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cy-cyborg · 8 months

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Writing and drawing amputee characters: Not every amputee wears prosthetics (and that's ok)

Not every amputee wears prosthetics, and not doing so is not a sign that they've "given up".

It's a bit of a trope that I've noticed that when an amputee, leg amputees in particular, don't wear prosthetics in media its often used as a sign that they've given up hope/stopped trying/ are depressed etc. If/when they start feeling better, they'll start wearing their prosthetics again, usually accompanied by triumphant or inspiring music (if it's a movie). The most famous example of this is in Forest Gump, Where Dan spends most of the movie after loosing his legs wishing he'd died instead. He does eventually come around, and him finally moving from his wheelchair to prosthetics is meant to highlight this.

The thing is, it's not that it's unrealistic - in fact my last major mental health spiral was started because one of my prosthetics was being a shit and wouldn't go on properly, despite fitting perfectly at the prosthetist's the day before. I'm not going to use my legs when I'm not in a good headspace, but the problem is, this is the only time non-prosthetic using amputees ever get representation: to show how sad they are. Even if that's not what the creator/writer necessarily intended, audiences will often make that assumption on their own unless you're very careful and intentional about how you frame it, because it's what existing media has taught them to expect.

But there are lots of reasons why someone might not use prosthetics:

they might not need them: this is more common in arm amputees because of how difficult it can be to use arm prosthetic, especially above-elbow prosthetics. Most folks learn how to get on without them pretty well. In fact, most of the arm amputees I know don't have prosthetics, or only have them for specific tasks (e.g. I knew a girl who had a prosthetic hand made specifically for rowing, but that's all she used it for).

Other mobility aids just work better for them: for me, I'm faster, more manoeuvrable and can be out for longer when I'm in my wheelchair than I ever could on my prosthetics. Youtube/tik tok creator Josh Sundquist has said the same thing about his crutches, he just feels better using them than his prosthetic. This isn't the case for everyone of course, but it is for some of us. Especially people with above-knee prosthetics, in my experience.

Other disabilities make them harder to use: Some people are unable to use prosthetics due to other disabilities, or even other amputations. Yeah, as it turns out, a lot of prosthetics are only really designed for single-limb amputees. While they're usable for multi-limb amps, they're much harder to use or they might not be able to access every feature. For example, the prosthetic knee I have has the ability to monitor the walk cycle of the other leg and match it as close as possible - but that only works if you have a full leg on the other side. Likewise, my nan didn't like using her prosthetic, as she had limited movement in her shoulders that meant she physically couldn't move her arms in the right way to get her leg on without help.

Prosthetics are expensive in some parts of the world: not everyone can afford a prosthetic. My left prosthetic costs around $5,000 Australian dollars, but my right one (the above knee) cost $125,000AUD. It's the most expensive thing I own that I only got because my country pays for medical equipment for disabled folks. Some places subsidise the cost, but paying 10% of $125,000 is still $12,500. Then in some places, if you don't have insurance, you have to pay for that all by yourself. Even with insurance you still have to pay some of it depending on your cover. Arm prosthetics are even more expensive. Sure, both arms and legs do have cheaper options available, but they're often extremely difficult to use. You get what you pay for.

they aren't suitable for every type of environment: Prosthetics can be finicky and modern ones can be kind of sensitive to the elements. My home town was in a coastal lowland - this means lots of beaches and lots of swamp filled with salty/brackish water. The metals used in prosthetics don't hold up well in those conditions, and so they would rust quicker, I needed to clean them more, I needed to empty sand out of my foot ALL THE TIME (there always seemed to be more. It was like a bag of holding but it was just sand). Some prosthetics can't get wet at all. There were a few amputees who moved to the area when I was older who just didn't bother lol. It wasn't worth the extra effort needed for the maintenance.

People have allergies to the prosthetic material: This is less of a problem in the modern day, but some people are allergic to the materials their prosthetics are made from. You can usually find an alternative but depending on the type of allergy, some people are allergic to the replacements too.

Some people just don't like them.

There's nothing wrong with choosing to go without a prosthetic. There's nothing wrong with deciding they aren't for you. It doesn't make you a failure or sad or anything else. Using or not using prosthetics is a completely morally neutral thing.

Please, if you're writing amputees, consider if a prosthetic really is the best mobility aid for your character and consider having your characters go without, or at least mix it up a bit.

For example, Xari, one of the main characters in my comic, uses prosthetics unsupported and with crutches, and uses a wheelchair. They alternate between them throughout the story.

#disability #disabled #id in alt text #writing #writing disability #disability representation #authors of tumblr #write #writeblr #writers on tumblr #writerscommunity #writer #creative writing #writing tips #writing resources #writing help #writing advice #writing disability with cy cyborg

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ghostedfiless · 9 months

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Imogen is such a lovely character idc what other ppl say?? Genuinely she's such a primary example of how heteronormativity affects women for a longer period of time then men because of the patriarchal expectation of women to be attracted to men??

She could've had what Charlie and Nick have with someone if she wasn't a woman, and here's my proof: 1) She doesn't have any other female friends, constantly hanging around Harry and the other boys. Which takes away her female friendships experience and excludes her from a non-performative safe space which women can more often provide over men. (The same way Nick is expected to feel toward women and fit into a stereotype) An example of this is when Nick and Charlie go to talk to her after she blows up at ben in paris. 2) Because of that loss she's constantly put in a context where it's expected of her to be in a relationship (with a man). First with Nick in season 1 and then Ben in season 2. No one even notices how she reacts to Sahar saying "I'm literally bisexual" past seeing her romantic interest in Sahar rather than seeing her react to another woman confidently say her sexuality is something else than to one specific gender. Kind of like Nick reacted to seeing Tara and Darcy kiss in season 1 at Harry's party. 3) She's preceived as annoying or too much for trying to work out complex situations without having all the information. Such as Ben acting weird toward Charlie/Nick. Women often expected to handle situations where they don't have all the information for the convenience of others at the cost of their own mental and sometimes physical health.

Imogen is a complex character who deserves more recognition for being brave enough to call Ben out and tell him to his face all the shit he did, and trying to figure herself out without a supportive friendgroup and i will never shut up about it.

There are so many women who grow up like Imogen, stuck around a dominantly male friendgroup where the patriarchal expectation is for them to be attracted to one of the friends (or even several of the friends). Only later in life when the friendgroup falls apart or people grow apart does that women realize how affected she is by the unhealthy performances she uncounsciously put on throughout her life. So anyway Stan Imogen Heaney.

#imogen heaney #heartstopper #heartstopper alice oseman #nick nelson #paris gang #heartstopper spoilers

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tarotbubbletea · 6 months

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🍂 PAC Reading: Catharsis 🍂

Hey everyone!

October 2023 was a SHIT month for me. That eclipse season took a major toll on my mental and physical health. I hope you all had an easier time, and if you didn't, trust that you're not alone and I send you all the love you may need at this time 💛

Here's a spread I attempted from Lightwands tarot's Tiktok page on helping with catharsis, ie., helping you pin down and let go of some negative thoughts that may have been living in your head rent-free.

I intend this to be a timeless reading. Take a deep breath and clear your mind. Then pick the picture that you feel most drawn to. If you feel drawn to more than one, feel free to read those piles. If you feel drawn to none, perhaps I don't have a message for you at this time, but hope to have something for you in the future!

Going from left to right, we have piles 1, 2, and 3.

I'd love to hear some feedback! I'm also open for paid personal readings ($3 flat-rate).

Pictures used are not mine.

My kofi ☕

Pile 1

A pressing thought on your mind: King of Cups

Okay this is definitely about a boy. You may be overthinking/obsessing over a connection right now. Perhaps you have this person up on a pedestal and you think they're the best romantic match you could possibly ever have and that being chosen by them would be the best thing to ever happen to you. And maybe that's true. But you have to remind yourself that if you're begging to be chosen, that takes away significantly from your power, and most stable, secure men will want someone that matches them in their power. Some of you may be thinking that this guy has 2 options they're struggling between. For some of you, this may be an ex that you're seeing move on and, frankly, it hurts. If that's the case, I feel you.

Allow the tarot deck to describe the thought back to you in a softer voice: The Emperor

I think you need to remember that there is a bit of logic to relationships as well. Love isn't enough; you do have to think about the kind of life that's possible with your potential partner. You also need to remember that people feel and use their emotions differently than you. Your person may be at a stage where they're approaching partnership more logically. They may be thinking of compatibility in a more mature way at this point. This is a shift that started quite prominently during the pandemic, with casual dating taking a dip in our society. This person may also just be quite exhausted and have decided to just settle down. Love, at some stage, becomes more of a decision than a feeling, and that's where this person is right now. Remember that this is a window into their thought processes, not a judgement on you.

How you're approaching the thought: Justice

You may be self-flagellating a bit, thinking that the reason you're having such a hard time in love and life is because of some of your past mistakes or some karmic debt. And maybe this is true, because we all have karmic debt from this life and from the ones before. Every single person you know has made errors, and more people than you think have skeletons in their closets. We're all a little toxic. It's just the reality of life. And that's okay. That's life (tangent: watch Fleabag!) Maybe it's a little less serious for you and you feel like you're just not enough, or that you just messed up your chance with this person. But ask yourself as objectively as possible, did you? Did you, really? Doesn't this guy have flaws too? Is it possible that neither you nor him are the issue here, but it's really just the relationship/situationship that may not have been a good fit? Maybe you both just weren't mature enough for each other at the time? Maybe it was meant to be temporary? Maybe there were external factors at play? But more importantly, maybe it's not your problem to solve?

How can you release the thought without needing to resolve it right now: Queen of Swords

Step into your power. Get some fresh air. Literally. You've closed yourself in a box. You need to step out and realize how vast the sky really is. How big the world really is. How big your world really is. There needs to be perspective change for you. And you don't need to do this alone. We need community more than ever now. Find a therapist, a trusted friend, maybe even a sibling that keeps it real with you and is genuine. You don't need to find the love of your life, or figure out what this person means for you, if they're a karmic/twin flame/soulmate/what have you right this minute. You don't. Trust me, you don't. Do you want to get asked out/married this very minute? Of course not. It really isn't woo-woo nonsense when people say that what's meant to be, will be. Think of all the times you wanted a situation to play out a certain way and it didn't. It probably worked out better, if you're being honest with yourself. Let go. Let the Universe do what it needs to do. Maybe this will help: The Universe put you in this situation, so let it sort it out. This is the Universe's problem now. You're just the actor. It's the show writers that need to sort this out now. Just vibe in the meantime lol.

Let the thought say one last goodbye: 9 of Swords

Your pain is not for nothing. This will be different for different people, but maybe the pain is to ground you. Maybe it's to prevent you from self-sabotaging in the future. Maybe it's to get you to see the reality of this person. Maybe it's to get you to see the reality of yourself. Maybe this is how you repay some karmic debt (in which case, yay! Lighter times ahead!) Maybe this is a sign you may have some unresolved trauma that needs to be removed from your mind and body, and is to show you that you're closing in on a breaking down point and need to love yourself enough to tend to it. Maybe it's bits and pieces of everything mentioned above. Maybe it's just none of these, and you're letting seasonal depression get the best of you. Believe it or not, sadness is vital in life. It's a necessary emotion. If you feel the need to wallow, by all means go ahead. And when it's time, let yourself stop. It's okay. You're okay. And it'll all be okay. You are worthy of love.

Oracles: Patience; Bring love into the situation (New Moon in Aquarius)

Work on detaching yourself from this situation. Your specific/personal situation will come from thinking outside the box. Be more pragmatic. Improve your karma by doing charitable work.

Pile 2

A pressing thought on your mind: The Lovers (and The Hermit for clarification)

Alright, so this pile is also thinking about love. But you guys have a lighter energy than Pile 1. Or maybe you're a Pile 1 coming back to this reading after some time. You've probably been single for a while, and have done some extensive soul-searching and inner work, and now perhaps an inner voice is telling you that you're ready to put yourself out there again. And the energy coming through is yes! Yes, you are ready! But since it's been a while, and given the state of the streets, you're apprehensive about how to put yourself out there, and if you even should yet. Some of you may even be thinking of those Tiktoks that tell you how awful partners (particularly men) can be, and you're (rightfully) a bit scared.

Allow the tarot deck to describe the thought back to you in a softer voice: 8 of Pentacles

You've been hard at work with your personal growth and self-concept, and it radiates in your aura now. You've been diligent and have paid attention to the details. There's no such thing as a perfect person, of course, but you've done commendable work to get to as perfect as you can be in this stage of your life. Look at you go, you little rock-star! You need to watch out for black-and-white thinking, both directed at your own self and at others. Just because there may be a few things you're still working on, doesn't mean you're not ready. And the same goes for people you may meet soon, or for those that you're already considering. In fact, it shows self-awareness that you/the other person is cognizant of their flaws and still putting themselves out there because not all healing occurs inside. We all need people, and that's not a flaw. It's okay to be apprehensive. Be aware of the risks but don't let them consume you.

How you're approaching the thought: The High Priestess

You may be scouring Tumblr or Tiktok or wherever for readings and signs to foresee who you need to engage with next, what signs to look for, how it's all going to play out. It's like you want a blueprint of the entire love story beforehand because you're determined to find the one next. No more games for you. No more delays. You're ready and you want your future now. Love that for you, queen! But don't let it overconsume you! Micromanaging your love life isn't the best way to go about it. You know this, c'mon!

How you can release the thought without needing to resolve it right now: The Magician

Manifestation is real. But it's real for everyone, not just you. Imagine you're driving and you're manifesting going right, but so is another person, and fate may look at this and decide, okay, one of these needs to detour to avoid a collision, and maybe it picks you? Shit example, but I hope you get what I'm saying. It's good to be specific in your manifestations but not too specific, you know? Think of the burnt toast theory. Most of them there's a reason behind why things happen the way they do. Sometimes it's an important reason, and sometimes it's just random and meaningless. You seem to be approaching dating in a very Virgo-like way at this time, and essentially the message here is to not be too calculating and strategic. Keep your wits and lessons with you, of course, but don't forget that the Universe is also a player here.

Let the thought say one last goodbye: Ace of Pentacles

Your future partner is going to come to you like a gift or an offering. For some of you, that's where the delay is - the Universe is packaging them up perfectly for you and you just need to wait until it's time lol. The Universe and your spirit guides have been hard at work helping you heal and polish and be ready for love, and they're not going to just give you out to a random, okay? Have faith. Express gratitude constantly. And just affirm that love is here and your steps are guided. Dating apps may be the way for some of you. One or two of you may have luck bumping into someone at work or at the gym. Also hearing a beloved bar for someone. But for the majority, it's a highly personalized way that you'll meet the one. Ultimately, though, don't think too hard about it.

Oracles: Purification; Confidence is your key to success (New Moon in Leo)

There you have it. You've been purified enough to put yourself out there again. You're ready. Whether this be through apps, networking, or just living your life, do it with confidence and carry the intention with you to find your best match without chasing.

Pile 3

A pressing thought on your mind: Queen of Pentacles

This pile's conundrum seems to be family dynamics. Maybe you're in a sticky situation at home, where you can't afford to move out and you've either outgrown your home environment, or it's getting toxic. But you may not have the funds/resources to leave. And you feel like you're being smothered but you also would feel guilty if you were to leave. For some, you may not need to leave but you feel like there's undue pressure coming from your family whenever you go to make decisions, be it financial, education-related, relationship-related, or what have you. Getting heavy 'eldest child of immigrant parents' energy here. Maybe you don't feel your age because you feel like you don't have the freedom and independence you'd assumed you would have at this point. Some of you were even parentified as kids and it's starting to come to the fore-front. For some, this extends to friends and you feel like you've outgrown them, or just need more friends, but again, you're in a box.

Allow the tarot deck to describe the thought back to you in a softer voice: Knight of Cups

Some of you may daydream of a Prince Charming coming and saving you from this environment. This is especially true if the 'eldest daughter' thing applies to you and one of the only acceptable ways in your family for you moving out and starting your own life is to get married. And maybe that is what will happen for some of you. But don't depend on it as the only way. It will happen if it's meant to happen, but when we attached too much stake to one specific outcome, we pour too much of our power into it, and the Universe doesn't like that. It's okay to pray and manifest a particular outcome but detachment is a key factor in manifestation, remember that. One of the easiest ways out of this energy is just getting your license and a car, you know? You don't have to wait for a ride, you can be the driver. Even getting a pet is a good way to get out of the house more (plus, that would divert your family's attention and ease the tensions around the house).

How you're approaching the thought: 3 of Pentacles

You probably vent to your friends or siblings a lot. You prioritize working (maybe even working overtime) and saving up money. You might also be pursuing higher ed to better your career. It's definitely a good step! Just be aware of your social and personal needs and realize that there's multiple gardens within you that need watering. If the immigrant thing resonates with you, this is especially important. Do not let work and money consume you because hard work, as sad as it is to say, does not always lead you to where you need to go. You need to be a whole person, not just a worker. Think about it, how logical is it to water your 'money' garden and expect your 'personal' garden to bloom if you don't tend to it as much? Don't let burnout ruin your senses.

How you can release the thought without needing to resolve it right now: The Fool

It's your first time being you. And it's also your parents' first time being them. Be as empathetic and compassionate as you can be with yourself and your family without self-sacrificing. There's internal knowledge you came here with that you can access through meditation. Reconnect with your inner voice and let it help you. Don't hold on to resentments, whether internal or external. Don't be so hard on yourself, and when faced with arguments at home, try to separate the actions from the doer. Everyone has their own traumas and vices that they unintentionally hand over control to. Don't rush things. Make an inner sanctuary for yourself and believe that things will work out. The dog/pet message is coming through again lol so if that's a possibility, please go for it! And whenever you feel helpless, remind yourself that you're not supposed to have all the answers just yet. Most successful people, when asked, say the same. They had the vision and they had the grit, but they didn't always have all the steps laid out and blind confidence.

Let the thought say one last goodbye: 4 of Wands

Everything will work out. Trust. Please, just trust. For those of you that resonated with the Prince Charming message, this is confirmation that that will happen. You'll meet the man of your dreams, and leave your current surroundings for the home and life for your dreams. This isn't meant to push you to place all your faith into a savior coming, thus disempowering you, but this message should push you to instead hold on to your power, and keep tending to all your gardens equally in the meantime. You've been through a lot, and it wouldn't be fair to the old versions of you that lead you here to give up now. It gets steeper the higher you go on a mountain. But at this point, you're also stronger. Believe that. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

Oracles: Courage; Your hard work is paying off (New Moon in Capricorn)

Don't be too controlling, and limit your exposure to anyone who is too controlling. Stay ambitious and courageous. Recognize and reward yourself for all the hard work you've done. See yourself as a person and not a project. Your life may not have been a fairy tale, but your fairy tale moment is coming.

I hope you found a message here today! And if not, I hope to have a message for you next time. Wishing you all love, light, and success! ❤️

Don't forget to leave feedback if your reading resonated in any capacity.

My kofi ☕ (for tips and $3 flat-rate readings)

#tarotblr #tarot #tarot readings #pj speaks #pick a card #pick a pile reading #pick a card readings #pick a pile readings #PAC #tarot PAC #tarot community #pick a pile #oracle readings

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nardos-primetime · 4 days

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what's the most fucked up thing/AU/whatever you made? I wanna desensitize myself to your work before diving in.

Starting out with saying I wouldn't condone any of the bad shit within my stories, often times these are just what ifs I find interesting to look into. I wouldn't look at an actual murderer irl and go "Awesome" but I'll joke around with my villain Mikey like "He hasn't done a thing wrong heart emoji" when he has actively killed and enjoyed the murder of multiple people.

A lot of my aus are more toned down from my regular more personal works, solely because I can't help but go a bit easier on the turtles since they are a comfort for me and I wouldn't find my more personal topics appropriate for the turtles.

Overall, I'd say body horror, disease, self harm, suicide, murder, and mental/physical abuse/child abuse/neglect is something to look out for in a lot of my works, along with gore and injury in general. I also have a tendency to write cannibalism (an interesting motif to me, I would not condone it irl, obviously) and/or autocannibalism (to cope with personal issues I am not comfortable elaborating on, it's some Mental health stuff.) Overall I like putting the turtles through it, lmao.

(Forgot to add animal abuse/death)

I will never directly delve into the topic of sex within my works (as in you'll never see me write any of them doing such acts), but I have a handful of somewhat older Leo's who specifically deal with unhealthy romance, one of these is within my magical boys au where all four experience some level of inappropriateness due to their fame, not once is this a good thing, and this is meant to be a bad thing within the story. The other has a Leo who dates around a lot but always falls short due to his anxieties and commitment issues. He never goes through with it, though he likes to joke about more sexual topics. (He's crude.)

The magical boys au, priorly mentioned, contains underage drinking and smoking, mental health issues, self-harm, and the boys being mistreated and abused within their own workplace, one way or another.

One of my oneshots currently has a younger child get murdered in it, though I've deliberately made the death surrounding it not as detailed, as even if younger children die in my stories it makes me uncomfortable to focus on it the same I would other characters, unless it's an injury a child survives, then it's a 50/50. This is a situation that is conflicting for the main character, but is done out of survival's sake. (In his eyes.)

Viral.Donnie has evolved into a character that focuses on addiction later on, and I do tend to give the turtles addictions depending on the story.

Million Dollar Box/Villain Mikey has hallucinations, vivid, probably not 100% accurate, but these are not his real brothers. Story wise, they are a way to delve into his mental state and look at his conflicting feelings about his family.

Villain Raph is less developed, but he actively is mentally (and physically) abusive to his brothers in his own way.

A lot of the time, my writing style mixes with the thoughts and personality of the main focus, and a lot of these times, the characters are not rational nor moral. Untrustworthy narrators are fun.

You will see I don't like actively splitting up the turtles entirely very much. Normally, I'd be able to do it easily, but I have a soft spot for them. Hell, Viral Donnie, Villain Raph, and Million Dollar Box Mikey's follow-up story gives them a family after losing theirs. Most of the time, if one turtle falls, I take the others, or at least one others with them. For fun.

I try to not go for just shock value, even if I like describing the horrors I like having a reasoning, whether it be some insane deeper meaning I made up, it fitting a character/their personality, or just being interesting for me. I do my best to tag all potentially triggering topics within my works, but I may slip up at times. Apologies for that.

Horror is my main fixation overall outside of TMNT, and I like various types of it. The Nonsense Apocalypse AU is supposed to be a mixture of slice of life and horror, resulting in a world that just doesn't make sense, with some more... serious aspects on top.

I hope this helps, I kinda went on a ramble, but I didn't want too much confusion since most of my actual aus aren't fully out yet in any way.

Hope it helps again, Anon.

#nardo's asks.txt #rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rise of the tmnt #rise leo #rottmnt leo #rise donnie #rottmnt donnie #rise mikey #rottmnt mikey #rise raph #rottmnt raph #rottmnt au #idk how to tag this specificly tbh #info? loredump? its not rlly either #long post #????????

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merlins-booknook · 2 months

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Yesterday I finished the raven king, I hate the Ravens so ducking much, and I love Neil's revenge thoughts like, yeah bitch I'm absolutely DESTROYED PHYSICALLY but mentally? I'm fit to fucking kill u in your best health, come here Riko, I'll fight u right fucking now, don't be shy

ALSO NO U DID NOT TATTOO THAT FOUR ON HIS CHEEK, RIKO UR DELUSION IS SHOWING BUDDY, Neil would rather go 1vs1 with his father than leaving the foxes for an asshole like u, and he would. Time for a cover up tattoo now, bc, believe it or not Neil THERE ARE OTHER OPTIONS APART FROM FUCKING CUTTING PART OF YOUR FACE OFF.

When periodist ask what happened IM BEGGING, PLIZ SAY IT WAS A SKYING ACCIDENT IT WOULD BE SO FUNNY

ANDREW IS COMING BACK OMG YAS QUEEENNN they are getting together I KNOW IT

I can't wait for the foxes to freak out on Neil bc what the actual f*** happened kiddo are u ok and Neil will be so confused??? Like he kinda freaked out when Nicky said they where friends I think Neil would just freeze and not know what to do (kind of a happy birthday song situation, where u stand weirdly there waiting for it to finish)

Wymack ilysm, I would ask u to take me in but I have a stick up my back and very bad resistance, so I would be shit at exy (one can only dream) (I literally have a stick in my back, it's attached to my spine)

If I remember something else on my thoughts of the book I will write it. Otherwise, I'm going to my finals before starting the last book (I'M HOLDING MYSELF, ITS SO HARD UGHHHH)

#aftg #andrew minyard #nora sakavic #neil josten #the kings men #the raven king #the foxhole court #all for the game #coach wymack #kevin day #exy #books #i did not expect that #reading #riko moriyama #the ravens

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fivewholeminutes · 4 months

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so. wembley.

Once I have finally gathered my wits the words did not want to stop coming. This rambling is long; apologies for that. And for the messed up tenses I hate tenses we only have one past tense why is English like this

No photos/videos yet, they are still not properly checked/deleted/edited by me.

It was. Unsurprisingly. One of the best days of my life. But also, I don't remember much from my life, so don't trust me on this one. (Kidding, it totally WAS one of the best days of my life). And uhh... I have a problem with processing events and emotions, so it still feels like I have seen it on a TV screen instead of, you know, actually, physically having been there? Idk how to explain that, I still have to convince my brain that I've been there. I feel detached from it completely. But!! I!! Have!! Been!! There!!

I woke up so early that foxes were still roaming the streets. Didn't talk much with people around me in the queue (hello anxiety), but they were lovely! I signed the blue flag for iii from me & Lia, got the sticker for Projekt Atlantic, received some bracelets, exchanged some bracelets, put some sea creatures tattoos on people (LIA I FORGOT TO GIVE YOU THE WHALE!!!), slept on a pavement, bought merch for myself and others (I've never had anyone to buy concert merch for before, it's such a nice feeling 🥺).

And queueing for so long was so fucking worth it! Third row, baby!! For the first time in the middle!! (Which was my downfall later, but the pre-show me was not aware of that just yet). I couldn't actually hear HEALTH that well, but I really liked their drummer, he was enjoying himself and his joy was contagious. (I've checked them later though and. Last album, my beloved.) During the break, well, you all know what was happening, I have been liveblogging everything (sorry about that <3). The moment someone in the crowd literally screeched when they saw the new masks on instagram was a blessing, I wouldn't have survived seeing them in new masks without a warning. Also, my blind ass would probably realise 3 songs in that they have different masks, I shit you not. Besides, it was super fun having a mental breakdown here on tumblr with y'all <3

When Espera entered the stage, everything else stopped being of any importance to me. I remember my first thought was "oh yeah, sure, the ladies are dressed up and moving like this and you expect me to focus on anything else that is happening on this stage?". And of course, my second thought was "I GOTTA TAKE PICTURES FOR DARYA". Naturally, I was trying to keep up with everything else anyway. I haven't seen ii all too well though and it makes me sad :( Alas. I've had a good vantage point for the ladies. Yeah. Brain went brrrrr every time I was looking at them. Where was I again-

I was still coughing at that time. I got a terrible coughing fit after literally 3 short screams during HEALTH and my idiot ass has left all the lozenges except one in the hotel room an hour before the door opening. I thought I would have to spend the rest of the night not singing along nor screaming and felt utterly heartbroken for a few minutes, but after my Holy Grail Lozenge (and a LOT of water from the venue's crew) my cough has abandoned me for the duration of the whole ritual (thank you, Sleep). Even though, when Sam told us that we have to sing, my only thought was "I CAN'T FUCKING SING EITHER, MATE". But I did. Oh, I so fucking did. I sung my lungs out and did not cough even ONCE.

But you know. I was exhausted, anxious, surrounded by strangers and had more sugar in my veins than red cells at that point, so I wasn't my best self. I really thought the karaoke was for shits and giggles at first. "Oh yeah, it's The Most Popular Song, let's see how it sounds when 10k people sing it without the singer's help!", you know. Thought it was for the recording the announcements warned us about. But then we sung Granite. Ohhhkay. And then The Love You Want - certainly not a song they would leave for an impropmtu singalong. It was then that I (belatedly) realised that yeah, something really was wrong and so my heart broke again. So many preparations! Their biggest gig so far! Even iii managed to be there! And something had to happen!! Specifically!! To Vessel!! Of all people!! That was just not fair. He totally didn't deserve this. But it's just life and its endless fucking bad surprises for everyone, huh.

I didn't have enough time to collect all the broken pieces of my heart from the sticky floor and mend them after this realisation, because after Vessel joined the singing for the last few lines of TLYW, he dropped to his knees in front of us crying and thanking everyone. That sight is now carved into my brain. This is when I realised the 3rd row was a mistake. The psychic damage it gave me is irrevocable. Do you have those moments that you will never forget? A few seconds of an (usually traumatic) experience that will haunt you forever, replaying in your mind like a broken record? It was a bit like this for me. It wasn't traumatic, mind you, but it was definitely something that made a permanent dent in my heart and a home in my brain. And I wouldn't change it anyway.

Another thing that made me think that I will just fall down and never get up was iii & iv's hug. It was. So full of love and reassurence. Idk, you could just feel that emitting from them, okay? I was standing there thinking "yeah sure, just fucking murder me tonight instead, okay. Should've kept staring at Espera only-". Ah yes. The ladies. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Where was I again-

The goosebumps when the whole venue yelled "they won't be missing you" during Nazareth, oh my fucking god. On my previous rituals, in way smaller venues, there's always been a handful of people screaming it. And everyone doing it? Unparalleled feeling. Bordering on the shrimp emotions scale.

The lights were spectacular. I cannot describe how amazing the light show was. I am sending a kiss to each and every light crew member.

Also, Vessel being more emotional during the ritual as a whole. The TLYW moment was the worst for me, but there were many others. (Ascensionism and Bloodsport stabbing me with a rusty knife the most.) I mean, who could've blamed him for the emotions, he would probably be very emotional even without the voice issues. Who wouldn't be!! It was a big night, after all. God, it must have been so difficult for him, I really, really fucking hope the love coming from his bandmates, crew and the crowd was enough to help him focus on the good parts of the evening only. And!! It wasn't even that bad!!! Sure, he lost his voice for a while, but once it was back you could!! Barely!! Hear!! The difference!! I have a whole new level of respect for Vessel because of that. And for staying onstage with us for the songs he couldn't sing. Didn't know I could respect him even more than I already did, but hey. Love being surprised like that. I have seen concerts where the singers were singing way worse live while being completely healthy. Like sure, you could notice he's not using so many uhh, how do you call this in English, vocal ornamentations??? and that his voice is strained, but it was still beautiful. Take care of your voice now though, dude, jfc. Thanks for the sacrifice, much appreciated, but TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF OR SO HELP ME GOD I WILL FUCKING FIND YOU- (kidding, kidding. or am i.) I also liked that he was leaving the more screamy moments in songs for us. Aiming the microphone at us, positive we'll have his back. Like yeah, yeah, other bands do that relatively often, but it's not something they usually do, you know.

I can't vouch for everyone in the crowd, but I sure as fuck did not have a SINGLE thought that the show sucks because of his voice issues. Like it didn't even occur to me. Honest to god. I was shocked when I saw on tumblr that people were leaving? Asking for a refund????????????? I was having the time of my life singing those songs. It was a once-in-a-lifetime experience, probably!! Who can say they karaoked whole 3 songs with the band playing for them live?? Your local karaoke bar could never. (Bonus points, you could hear Espera better bc of that! Yes, I know, you are not supposed to hear backing vocals too loud in general, I'm just saying it was nice hearing them, bc usually I hear them on recordings only.)

Yeah, sure I was disappointed after the show that there was no Euclid, but that's just me, a total whore for Euclid. It's a completely different thing than being a bitch who leaves halfway, because something out of the ordinary has been happening.

Anyways. I would like to wish all the crowdsurfers a very fuck you. Hope you will all step on a lego every day for the rest of your lives <3

Crowdsurfers and constant giving away of water (which I understand, it was terribly hot there and it was needed) were a bit distracting, I missed some things because of the commotion, the drum solo has been disrupted by me getting a (fortunately very light) kick in the mouth and DRUM SOLO IS SACRED. I HOPE THE CROWDSURFER WHO DECIDED TO GO UP IN THAT MOMENT WILL STEP ON 3 LEGOS DAILY. IT'S LITERALLY THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF THE RITUAL FOR ME AND THEY HAVE RUINED IT. Thanks to another crowdsurfer, I missed the moment the band was throwing stuff into the crowd and I promised Lia I will catch a pick/drumstick for them!!!!!!! I've had a banner for this occassion and all!!!!! And!!!!! For the whole time things were flying from the scene!!!! I have been under someone's legs and ass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Side note: Vessel was throwing away his rings. That's so fucking cool, ahh.

All in all, half of the things that happened there, I've learned from tumblr. The announcements about the recording, people leaving, Vessel being covered in runes (I WAS STANDING RIGHT BEFORE HIM AND DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING. A N Y T H I N G. I HATE BEING A BLIND IDIOT), the Espera ladies laughing at iii for not coming to the photo, hell, even Vessel trying to get his attention. I have NO idea what I've been doing back then, it's a blur again lmao. And. The most important thing: Vessel's "thank you". I didn't catch it back then. I don't hear it on my recording. Tbh I couldn't believe y'all for a long while that it really happened (I'm sorry). But it did and you know what? I'm glad the broken pieces of my heart were left on the arena's floor earlier during the show. I don't want them anymore.

I would also like to thank that one security guy in huge headphones who was our warning that another fucking crowdsurfer was coming our way. I hope the headphones guy's pillow is always cold on both sides, his skin clear, his crops- and so on. Our hero <3

There was also a moment during Atlantic (another important moment disrupted. Smh) where 2 security persons dived into the crowd?? I still have no idea what was happening, bc if someone faints for example, they are always brught to the barricade by the crowd and security picks them up, I've never seen security getting into the crowd before. And because of that, people around me were talking loudly during Atlantic. Kill kill murder kill

Still, Projekt Atlantic was a huge success and I am so proud of the organisers!! They're in the same category of lovely people as the big headphones security guy

Sending a kiss to @murderofcrow for this gif 🖤

To sum up. I will forever be grateful for this band. This music has activated the dormant parts of my mind. I am making art again. I am meeting cool people because of them. I have people to talk about it with who are as excited about it as I am. For the first time in ages I really feel alive again. And life is not good, far from it, to be completely honest with you, they haven't magically fixed all my problems, but I do have something that actually fucking works on me. I know Vessel wouldn't agree, but they are saving people. And you all, lovely ST pocket of tumblr motherfuckers who are reading this, you are saving people too.

And, last but not least!! In hot pink, because I can! Thanks to this ritual I could finally meet @vesselsscarlet and @thevenomousseprent in person!!!!!!!!! I love you guys, you are amazing and I can't wait to see you again 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 You've made me feel so loved that weekend and it's something I haven't felt in a while!!

#it was surprisingly hard to write #took a lot of editing and rewriting whole paragraphs and it's still not a proper description of everything i wanted to say #i don't know how to talk about emotions #and i have. a lot of them since wembley #a word of advice: attend concerts. beg for money for them from your family members sleep in tents during rain #or in hostel rooms filled with random people #go for gigs without a place to sleep and spend 4hrs waiting for your bus home in a local mcdonalds #watching drunk guys split their eyebrows on the stairs there #(not now tho now we're boycotting macdonalds #but there are other places open 24/7)#go to gigs alone #but by god. go to them if you are able to and if your health allows you to go #(and yes it is coming from someone with anxiety. i wouldn't travel or sleep in a tent alone for anything else trust me)#it is always worth it. ALWAYS #sleep token

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lafseanchai · 5 days

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I called my dad tonight to ask his opinion on changing my vehicle insurance to something with less coverage and thus lower payments, and got advice. And I know it comes from a place of love, but I don't like how my dad makes me feel an inch tall for my choices around having Beau. I know he's a bit of a "money sink" and that I had to put his vet bills on my credit card that I am trying not to use. But it is good for my mental and physical health to have him.

My finances are always a bit tight and I am trying to cut spending where I can, work extra hours, but things are still not great. It makes me want to cry, but I also chose to prioritize things with Beau - supplements, better fitting tack, driving out to the barn more (more gas money). So I have no one to blame but myself.

He also continues to refer to where I live as "the big bad city", which is annoying.

Basically, it always feels like he wants me to move back towards home. But, while my finances are shit, my mental health is finally actually doing well, which in someways feels better.

Yeah, I have some credit card debt, but I no longer wonder how fast I have to drive off the road into a tree to make everything end right away.

#ignore me #I got good advice but I did hang up the phone and start crying #it just makes me feel like the disappointment daughter along with all of my other 'sins'#and I have been told by my parents that they are proud of me #but sometimes it just feel like lip service #sometimes it just gets in my head more than others #yay I have something to talk about at therapy #anyway I went out and worked with Beau tonight and he was pretty good #hopefully we don't lool like idiots at the show

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peachesnabsinthe · 3 months

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I just applied for the exact position I had 5-6 years ago 🙈 my part-time library position. The pay is awful, but I was really content with working there at the time because I enjoyed the position so much. I was made to feel bad because I had graduated with a bachelor's degree, but could still only obtain a very low paying wage job. I fucking hate that I actually believed that shit and let it get to me at the time. I also NOW know that I'm disabled too, and I liked working for the library because they were super accommodating to me (even without knowing I was "actually disabled" or whatever). For being basically a cult (lol), the organization itself does so much cool shit for their employees, so I genuinely enjoyed working there.

I don't know fully if I'm really healthy enough to go back to working, but it will only be part-time, and I left my full-time position less than a year ago due to how bad my health was. My coworkers and supervisors were so supportive during that time, and I left on good terms so there's a high chance that I may get the position.

I fucking hate how society makes us into these pathetic little-worker drones that have to fight for survival. But the stress of no longer working is honestly getting to me. I have a list of confirmed diagnoses now, so I feel a bit more prepared with working: I know my physical limits (for the most part) and have some medical splints and what-not that I can use. I'm taking my health seriously due to not having access to medical professionals currently, so I'm prepared to change my routine up to where I can be My healthiest. My previous employers are also aware that I'm disabled, and they've always accommodated me in the past. My previous job (and the position I'm currently reapplying for) were the BEST fit for me, like I genuinely thought I could retire from the library. It devastated me when I got so sick and officially had to call it quits. I haven't read a damn thing in almost a YEAR because of it. I kind of want to go back.

The pay is absolute SHIT but library workers don't do it for the money soooo lol and I currently make n o t h I n g (well besides the lovely folks that have supported my sxwork stuff, thank you so much 🥲 @hausfaerie). My partner is the kindest, most hard-working and patient human being I have ever met. It was his idea for me to quit originally, and he has always been the primary (and currently, the only) provider for us. But seeing him work so hard for us and we still struggle is so mentally exhausting to see. I don't fucking care if I make less than $10 an hour at this point, I need something to help take the load off because this world is SO GOTDAM EXPENSIVE TO LIVE IN. My state is FUCKED and I know that I will not qualify for financial disability. I also live in a medical graveyard. There aren't any medical professionals that can treat all the illnesses (⁠•⁠‿⁠•⁠)

I don't even know if I will get the job yet lol they might tell me to fuck off. If I do get the position though, it's only part-time, so i'll still have some free time to do whatever I want which will be nice 👍🏻

#cw disability #cw chronic illness #personal #digital diary #diaryposting #online journal #personal post #journal

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checkoutmybookshelf · 4 months

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Ok, I'm in the last chunk of Valdemar, the third in the Founding of Valdemar trilogy, and a companion quite literally just went "We want and need our Chosen to be healthy, in mind, heart, and body," and y'all...not only does this ping my ableism bell, but it also seems to be rewriting Valdemaran history a little bit???

Like, let's be absolutely real here. On the page, heralds in other Valdemar books have experienced depression (Vanyel), PTSD (literally most of them, but Vanyel, Thalia, and probably Mags), hypervigilance (Vanyel again), anger management challenges (Tylendel), anxiety (Lan), and a host of varying physical disabilities (Jadus, Thalia, Amily, Pol, and the heralds whose name I forget who ends up severely burned in the Arrows of the Queen trilogy). I haven't always liked how the physical injuries and disabilities are handled, but they've always been present and they've never actually disqualified anyone from being a Herald, even if Amily had to be partly cured before being chosen and Jadus retired after losing his leg.

This new statement about how companions prefer explicitly abled heralds feels like a really icky attempt to rewrite history, and this book has handled disability in general really poorly, even for a Vakdemar novel. And no, this book doesn't even get the excuse of "it's a survival situation" because they've been in Haven for ten years, they're fine. They aren't actively traveling, they've succeeded in building a sustainable and defensible keep, everything else is details and time.

This whole passage is really problematic in the context of the Valdemar universe:

So there are a couple of key issues. First, we really, REALLY need to address why casual sanist language is not ok. The companion isn't talking about quirky behaviors or idiosyncrasies when they say "madness," and we shouldn't be quick to elide what I am choosing to interpret as clinical madness (mad studies scholars, help me out here, I know definitions can be slippery, but I don't have a good one for fantasy contexts) with personality quirks--which is what Restil is doing here. Be CLEAR about your term use and watch where you're using sanist language and maybe stop.

Second, I really dislike the whole idea that madness can spread. Yes, I know, companions are magical and have a weird hive mind thing happening, but I dislike the perpetuation of the myth that madness is contagious or that associating with mad people can make you mad out of nowhere. That's a deeply harmful, isolating idea that is kind of antithetical to heralds as I understood them in other books--particularly Vanyel's trilogy. Community strengthens and supports, it does not ostracize and isolate. This was actually WILD to hear in a heraldic context in a Valdemar novel, because I think every other Herald would rightfully lose their absolute shit over this. Whatever happened to "there will never be another Tylendel?"

Third, the swimmer and drowning man analogy is bad here, for the same reasons that perpetuating the idea that you can "catch" madness is bad. We do not leave people to drown, and the analogy oversimplifies the ever-loving hell out of mental health crises and what can be done to support the person in crisis. We do not just leave them to drown, and again, the Heraldic Circle literally would never.

Fourth...that last sentence is just straight ableist. It is very much expecting what Rosemarie Garland-Thompson defined as a normate: a 20-something cishet white man who is athletic. Literally the normate is so narrow and focused as to barely exist in the real world, and it completely negates the value of anyone who doesn't fit that mold. It's also contradictory to the "we take the weird ones" ethos the companion expressed earlier, so the writing itself is wishy washy on the whole thing.

I am just...floored and kind of disgusted by the blatant rewrite of what companions look for in their chosen here, and I cannot square it with other Valdemar books that handled this better (although not perfectly). Like, as someone who lost communities to chronic illness, I'm very much soured on companions after this book. I will take Yfandes or Kalira or Rolan over any companion in this book, and I'm pretty sure the circle in earlier books wouldn't have stood for this.

#mercedes lackey #valdemar #heralds of valdemar #the founding of valdemar trilogy #ableism in media #ableism #ableist tropes #ableist nonsense #ableist bullshit #fuck ableism #heralds #herald mages #companions #adult fantasy #adult fiction #books and reading #books & libraries #books and novels #books

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slasher-male-wife · 1 year

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Well, if ya need requests. . .

As the internet knows, I've been having a really tough time and if it's not too much trouble, could I ask for the softest, most comforting thing you can write for Bo and/or Vincent? I hate to bother you but my ex took my self esteem out back and shot it like a sick dog that was being put down. Much love ziggy <333

I know and I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. I know how it feels to be crushed after a break up and I hope that this little whatever can make you feel at least a little bit better. I hope this fits what you're looking for. I'm sorry they're a bit short but I can always write more if you'd like me to.

Bo and Vincent Sinclair taking care of a reader struggling with their mental health

Warnings: Nothing I can think of

Vincent Sinclair

If you're struggling mentally Vincent will not let you in the basement. You're not allowed around dangerous materials and dead bodies while you're upset.

He's going to insist you stay in a room upstairs where he will spend a good amount of time with you too. Of course he's going to have to work away from you but he's going to do as much as he can.

If you wanna wear one of his sweaters than that's perfectly fine by him, take this one that isn't covered in wax. He'll give you tons of blankets and pillows and a radio if you'd like. I'm also sure they have a vhs tv that you can watch old movies on too.

Don't even think about moving a muscle because when Vincent gets done with his work he's going to make you some food and spend the rest of the day in bed with you. He'll insist on holding you close to him and feeling you in his arms.

Anything you want to do with him he'll do it. If you want to go get some fresh air he'll take you on a path in the woods together. He wants you to feel as good as you can darling.

He'll shoo away Bo if he comes by to ask what Vincent's doing. It's just going to be you and him, cuddled up together watching funny movies and eating popcorn.

If you want to get out of bed but you don't have the energy he'll legit just carry you. He knows if his brothers see it he's going to get made fun of for it later but he doesn't care at all, you come first.

If you want or need to shower he's going to run you a bath and light some candles for you. Again a radio if you'd like one.

Bo Sinclair

Before Bo goes to you he's going to ask his brothers about how he should help you with your mental health. After getting some advice he's going to be a bit uncharacterisitally soft with you.

He's obviously got to work, but he's going to check up on you every few hours and when he's finally done for the day you're his number one priority.

He's going to spoil the shit out of you. I have a feeling he can't cook well so he's going to enlist help from Vincent to make you something to eat. If you don't feel like you can get out of bed that's fine, he'll bring it to you.

He's going to be very touchy with you. He'll hold you close to his chest and let you rest against him. He'll rub your back for you and keep any comments about you being so clingy to himself, not that he minds of course. He won't tell you but he loves being physically affectionate with you.

He'll encourage you to try to get out of bed to do anything at all. Even if it's just moving to the couch he's still proud of you.

#vincent sinclair #vincent sinclair x reader #vincent sinclair x you #vincent sinclair x y/n #bo sinclair #bo sinclair x reader #bo sinclair x y/n #bo sinclair x you #slasher x y/n #slasher x reader #slasher fanfiction

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theghostbunnie · 1 year

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I’m curious but ever since you dropped your Harrison hcs I’ve been thinking about what he would be like when he gets older. Are there any hcs/info you have for him??

I'M SO HAPPY Y'ALL ARE INTERESTED IN MY HCS IT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME!!!!! 💖💕💫🩷

I have like two paths I could see my version of older Harrison going down. Let's say roughly age 17 or so, he either swears off using absolutely any of his natural magical ability and keeps his illusion/slide of hand tricks utterly private for the most part. The first being a desperate attempt to regain his parents trust, the second with the card tricks being more of getting shamed out of being open with his peers with his hobbies. I wouldn't wanna see him kept on this path and I often pair it with some major character development story. (In my head atleast, I don't think I'd ever be able to use a fanfiction writing website or have the energy to regularly update one or anything like that. I would definitely maybe write short fics on Tumblr one day.. maybe)

The other option being he actually never stopped working on his talents like that and has steadily gotten so much better. (At the start of the show he accidentally sets David on fire, in much later episodes he's able to make rings of flame, already MAJORR improvement!!) He works on his other abilities, making things levitate ect.

So when they start having these hiccups, often small physical items or spells bursting out of him during strong feelings (leading to panic and embarrassment only making it worse.) Harrison feels like it's a total setback. That his work so far didn't mean anything, he has no idea where his powers come from and as they change he apparently has no idea how to control them after all. Alot of old doubts, and new ones emerge. "Maybe it would've been better to have never had them in the first place."

I like to think after awhile he regains this hold over it, and it was just a sign of like. His magic going through puberty/hj and it turns out stronger in the end.

Other older Harrison HCs include he's definitely a swiftie and jumps up on his bed lipsyncing doing a fucking Matilda as shit floats everywhere.

His formal vest and top hat get switched out for a casual vest and beanie hat (constant hat hair) wouldn't it be so funny if he had a top hat shaped pin on it/hj

His like signature little thing I love putting on his clothes and drawing him with is the ace of spades. Small charms n shit I love it.

His frienemy thing with Nerris as she matures turns more into friend leaning. (Bc like, their dynamic is not 50/50 she is nearly always the one coming at or for HIM 😭 and it's coming from a very childish reasoning- which is okay. Bc she's a child.) So as she gets older and grows out of her issues that caused them to not get along they become closer.

Mostly due to them both being much better friends with Preston and spending time with each other via him.

But since they're older and Preston fills alot of his time with the multiple hobbies he has and Nerris has other friends to hangout with, Harrison is still left on his own sometimes. He goes through these bits of bad mental health and "everyone hates me" thoughts but doesn't really let anyone know about it.

I have this OC Quincy, technically not a camp camp oc I'm actually embarrassed sometimes to add him into things bc he doesn't fit the vibe of cc what so ever but the angst he can make is so good 2 me

He's this demon with magical know-how but no power of hisown. I like to think of Harrison (who notoriously throughout the show wants company.) Kinda ignores all the red flags and "I've always said don't judge a book by it's cover"s his way into accidentally getting manipulated by him. But also getting incredibly helpful magic lessons out of it too before it comes to a head.

#harrison camp camp #camp camp harrison #character headcanons #camp camp headcanons #headcannons #cc harrison #harrison cc #camp camp #camp campbell #camp camp fandom #fictional characters #campcamp #angst

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lightandwinged · 11 months

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So I have to rant about a health thing and it's related to dieting and weight loss/things around that, so if that's a triggering subject for you, either ignore this or if you really want to read it, read with knowledge that this is the subject matter at hand.

You see, I entered my medical group's nonsurgical bariatric program this month.

This isn't something I was planning on doing just yet, mostly because I believe firmly that physical health and mental health go hand-in-hand, and while I do want to get my physical health figured out, I'm trying to blow apart the kinks with my mental health right now, which is a process. I'm doing EMDR to work through some fucked up traumatic memories, and it's working wonders, but it's exhausting and hard work.

BUT then I went in to my primary because my ability to have an orgasm has dwindled to near zero in recent months. And not going into too much detail about that, but considering my history of spinal injury, that's a huge red flag, so my primary for once got really alarmed when I told her something and asked me to come in.

My primary is not very good with fat people. I've had primaries who are good with fat people, who've sort of said, "yeah, your BMI isn't where I'm supposed to say it is, but you're otherwise perfectly healthy, so let's talk about what you came in here for today," and they're great. This primary... well, she hears out my complaint but wants to mostly focus on my weight the whole time. Like as little as possible on the complaint (e.g., "that spot looks like a mole, so here's a referral to the dermatologist. Now, they did weigh you when you came in, and I noticed that...") and most of it on my weight. It's annoying.

And this time was no exception. She's concerned about my migraines and loss of sensation, so she gave me referrals to neurology and PT and then we started talking about my weight. She asked if I still drank Dr. Pepper (which I was like, "yeah, but I'm not fucking him, so what does this have to do with my orgasms?") and then offered to refer me to the practice's nonsurgical bariatric program, and I said sure, because I wanted her to leave me alone.

And so far, it's not great. The advice they have for weight loss is the kind of shit you can find on any Reddit thread about Lizzo. It's the kind of bland, soulless one-size-fits-all diet approach that I could get without subjecting myself to copays--shit like "aim for no more than 1200-1500 calories a day and exercise at least 150 minutes a week" which literally, you google "diet" and there it is, that exact advice.

And it's not what I want. I know that I have issues with food. I stress eat, and I eat my safe foods in order to keep some semblance of order in my chaotic life. I've developed a fear of wasting food for some reason (it never used to exist; I used to be like "mm, two bites was enough noodle"), and so I tend to wolf down way more food than I should because I don't want to throw any away, especially if it's something I really like. Being autistic, I have very beige safe foods because the foods that are the same taste and temperature every time tend to be beige and super processed. My relationship with vegetables and fruits is fraught. And though I've never LIKED doing a lot of moving around (and living on a hill that's at a 45 degree angle doesn't help that), the trauma of my spinal injury really made it terrifying for me, like if I do too much in the wrong way, I'll be screaming for my life in the back of an ambulance again.

In other words, I know what my issues are. And what I want is to have a healthy relationship with food. I want to eat for the joy of it, not for a hit of dopamine or to wolf down a plate of pasta carbonara bigger than my face because I'm afraid of it being wasted. I want to enjoy the flavors of the foods I eat and savor them and embrace everything that food is besides fuel: it's joy, it's community, it's art, it's culture. I want to feel the way I've felt when eating a new dish so very often. I want to embrace vegetables and fruits. And I want to move. I want to hike all the gorgeous paths nearby. I want to dance without getting super tired. I want to walk around the city without hurting.

But this program.

They gave us a handbook, and the moralization of food is just. Everywhere. Salmon good. Kale good. Egg good. But god forbid you have a slice of cake at a coworker's birthday party. The handbook writes about it, "too bad about the cake, but you'll do better the rest of the day." When we had group therapy the other day, two participants had just gone on vacation and were beating themselves up for not eating "good" on vacation (not "well" because eating well and eating good are two different things). They kept lamenting how they were bad for eating at restaurants because they couldn't control what was in the food, and I was like... if we were all way thinner, our therapist would be telling us to stop sweating it, so wtf?

But instead, the therapist talked about whether this was a "lapse" in judgment or a "relapse" into eating bad. And I do get that food is an addiction in a lot of times and that learning to not binge eat or eat mindlessly is very important. I'm working on mindful eating myself. But lord almighty, I'm not going to self flagellate over going to a nice restaurant on vacation because I couldn't see how much salt was going in the dish. For me, the victory on vacation would be having that dish I couldn't control because I wouldn't know what was in it and trying something new and maybe even liking it.

I just. nngh. I don't love being fat. I miss buying straight size clothes and not feeling like I take up too much space and not feeling like my ass needs a "wide load" sign on it. But if I lose weight, I want it to be from a healthy and sustainable place, not from a place of hyper control. I have negative interest in weighing myself every day, as they suggest. I have negative interest in even thinking about losing weight when I travel. I want a healthy relationship with food, but this isn't it, not by a long shot.

#abby's physical health #adventures in bariatric BS #diet culture #weight loss culture #disordered eating is cool if you're fat!#because if you're fat you don't get to have food!#you just get rice cakes and a treadmill and a tiny jillian michaels #sitting on your shoulder and screaming that you are worthless #yay!

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socknerd · 2 months

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I gotta say, as someone who does shift work, and with shifts that are offset from a "normal" working day by 4 hours, any time I see people complaining about 9-5 i'm like "world's smallest violin". Imagine getting to regularly sleep in past 4am. Actually being in daylight most of the time to and from work. Being able to participate in community shit throughout the week because it's scheduled around your work period.

I am so goddamn tired and lonely. I think, if we get an ok pay rise (we're in the middle of negotiations right now) I might just go ask if I can just do permanent day shift. At least then I wouldn't have to fuck my sleep over every few weeks, and I'd be able to regularly do shit out of work (so long as I can get the sleep in around it, bc waking up by 4am). It'd be so much better for my physical and mental health; it just means that I don't get shift loadings (and I've already given up 1 week of night shift every 3 weeks bc that got... very concerningly bad) and it'd need to fit the team roster (the vast majority of people are full-time rotating shifts or casuals).

*sigh*

How the fuck does anyone deal with this? Like I get I have things that affect my ability to deal with this shit, but still. The world is fucked.

Also. Work better train me up in other shit real soon. They're letting people even more junior than me do a bunch of shit. But I've been a) stuck doing something only a few others in the lab are trained to do most of the time and b) haven't been hounding for training all the time/when it's busy. Like, I've brought it up now and then, but it HAS been busy, etc. I KNOW i'm capable, i'm SICK of the same few things, i want to do more shit that's in line with what i trained to do, and also, I want to go up a pay grade or 2, and be in a position to do an advanced diploma. (Which reminds me, i should remind the boss about that)

On the topic of work, it'll be interesting to see how the negotiations go. Work's been hemorrhaging workers the past few years, particularly due to their pay becoming less and less competitive, and the work and hours being so goddamn draining, but they do love to keep pulling the "we don't have money for x" card. Still, if they have any sense, a reasonable increase and RDOs back would be my minimum to not be looking at other work. Like, similar jobs are getting $35/hr in some other places now, which is roughly $5 more than here now. I may email the union rep and see where things are at.

Anyway, that's my venting done for now i suppose. Got shit to do.

#personal #work-posting

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componentcables · 2 months

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Alright, wake up Honey. Time for my 10pm Rant about Splatoon Side Order Theory

Thank you for coming to my Impromptu TED Talk.

I want to see Side Order live up to Octo Expansion. O.E did some amazing things with the story and lore of Pearl & Marina and it would be a crying shame for them to shoot themselves in their foot by making Marina the main villain or god forbid force her into the role with Mind Control or bringing back an older already used vilian like Tartar or something. Marina is shown to be incredibly smart, especially with technology, so it would be hard to believe that she was used by someone else. And I'd hate to see any form of Hypnosis being used.. Since it just robs her character of importance and just makes her a 'reward' sort of like Callie from splatoon 2s story mode.

Side Note: For Splat2s base storymode, It would have been interesting to hear the two parts of the squid sisters have some sort of dialogue in that story. It's obvious that Marie cares about Callie to go to these lengths, but outside of some sparse moments in a handful of levels, we never see it in game outside of the final fight. It would have been interesting to have Callie be a much more present threat to the player in maybe the boss battles or something. It would've been really cool to maybe have her talking to Agent 4 throughout the final few levels to intimidate them and Marie would have some sort of reaction to it.

Honestly would hurt to see Marina be relegated to a 'damsel in distress' when it comes to Side Order. She deserves the agency and there's CLEARLY some theme going on with Marina in the tower itself. With the various imagery of Memcakes (the collectable from OE) being either made or packaged to go somewhere, and the fact that there's various bits of memories from Marina like the baby mobile, Children's toys like Wooden blocks, and specifically pink pianos being held in stasis or again, being transported somewhere.

Personally, I don't want there to be any big villain or world ending threat.

Here comes the big theory:I think it would be more interesting for the plot-point of her(Marina) choosing to stay in the Spire due to Sunk Coat Fallacy.

To me, it fits character more to be wrapped up in her managing and repairing the Spire to where she might as well be trapped in an endless flow of Micromanaging the well oiled machine she made. Rather than her being Trapped at the top of the place she might as well have built with her own two hands. Genuinely I think it would be an amazing idea for the main conflict being Pearl, Agent 8 and Acht be the ones to physically go over to Marina sort of like an Intervention. At least Pearl would understand that Marina didn't mean to hurt anybody, but their main concern would be her own physical and mental health since she's.. More or less walled off everything that isn't her work for the sake of keeping things running smoothly if at all. It would be hard to justify abandoning a project that you either put years of planning into(like the few years between splat 2 ending and… We'll, now) or something that Just ballooned so much in scope that it literally needs the constant maintenance and checkups for it to not collapse on itself.

She's probably spent a shit load of time and resources on something she clearly cares about for one reason or another (hopefully to help others). To actually guess as to what exactly the Spire does would be foolish since its less than a week away.

We even see the spire itself show signs of damage in that new trailer so there's probable chance that something unintended is happening if that wasn't obvious from how… Literally everything around it is dead and bleached sand and coral.

My reasoning is that Marina had some… Genuine concerns about the world falling into chaos in splat 2. She felt rightfully scared that she'd never see Pearl again if there wasn't some sort of order with the world. So thats my best guess.

But I know this.. Well, won't happen due to how the main Side Order Trailer starts with the player character of Splat 3 falling asleep On a train. And the fact that the description of the DLC describes it as a 'What If' scenario if Order one the Final Fest. So I'm fully expecting things to be as non-cannon as can be if I'm lucky.

Side Topic Act II:I don't want the reward to be another playable species.. Since the main draw of Octo expansion Was the octolings, a feature people wanted since the beginning.. It would Really suck for there to be something like 'Salmon-lings' since the Salmon in game have a… Shit ton of lore dedicated to then as an entirely different society with unique well, everything. So to go back on that design for a basic looking humanoid salmon.. Thing, would again.. Be shooting themselves in the foot. I think the big reward other than Inkopolis Square, would be the various weapon skins. It looks like every main weapon in the game, or at least slot of them, have some sort of Prototype version that's used in the Spire simulations. And I'd imagine that beating the Spire with that weapon, unlocks that skin for multi-player use. Not as a separate weapon, but as a literal togglable thing for the weapon you already have. It would be that extra bit of motivation to play with the weapon you enjoy to get a unique variant of it or something. That, and the option to tint your fingers and tentacles. Since Color is another big theme with Side Order. And it's another thing people have been wanting since the 2nd game.

#unhinged ramblings of a madman #splatoon #splatoon3 #side order #HYPE #Theory #Bad Theory #please dont read this i wrote this when i woke up today

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dothemacarena · 1 year

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This morning I went to head to work but felt something wrong with my car before I got out of the driveway.

Flat Tire

Decide to just call in sick instead of borrowing roommates car or calling an uber because I have been wanting a mental health day and I can use the time to change the tire.

Now I know how to change a tire, but I have never done it fully myself. I have had my dad with me in the past. And I could get help from the aforementioned roommate, but I want to prove to myself that I am a strong independent woman who can change her own tire if it is ever needed on a road trip when I don't have a roommate handy.

Task 1: get the spare out of the trunk.

I have to remove a few things from my trunk (oil, wiper fluid, emergency blanket, jumpers, car powered air pump) but I get to the secret tire easy enough. Getting the tire out is a little harder then is supposed to be. There is supposed to be a rope wrapped around it that can be used to pull it out of the perfectly wheel sized hole but apparently whoever last put the spare in forgot it, but with a little work I get it out. Not too bad off to a good start.

Task 2: Get the stupid lug covers off.

I don't know if all cars have these but my car has these little plastic covers over the lugs that have to be removed before a tire iron can be used. (theft deterrent?) They have a little hole in the center where you stick a allen wrench or screw driver to pry them off. I spend way longer than I felt like it should take getting them off and I partially broke one in the process, but I have spares in the glove box.

Task 3: loosen the lugs.

This is the part that I always though would be the hardest, the think most likely to prevent me from changing my tire in the real world. I have a four way tire iron, and the spare came with another one, but my dad always said the four way ones were better so I put it on a lug. I stand on top of it, I jump up and down on it, I jump up and down on it more.

Nothing. Not a single inch of give. If I was on the side of a highway this would have to be when I give up either calling someone for a rescue or hopefully some friendly guy in a truck has pulled over to help me because I simply can't exert more force.

Luckily this did not happen on the highway it happened at home in our garage full of things. So plan #2 I climb up to the other half of our garage (which is usually up three steps but the steps broke so it is just one BIG step right now) I look for a metal pipe for more leverage. None to be found. Lots of PVC, but I think the PVC will give out before the bolt turns. I grab a piece and try it anyway I get a good amount of bend in the PVC and stop there before I break it. PVC is a no go.

Plan #3 I climb back into the upper garage, return the PVC pipes and grab a big sledge hammer to try hitting the tire iron. I get a few good whacks in, but it doesn't seem to be working. It's a dud. I return the sledge hammer trying to think of a plan #4. I climb down from the upper garage and notice something I missed before a length of metal pipe hidden amongst the big exercise equipment that never gets used this could be it!

Plan #4 the pipe is kinda rusty , pretty thin metal, and it doesn't fit on the tire iron, but luckily it does fit on the other tire iron 🎉. I slide it on and get to work. It is still hard. I still have to stand and jump on it, and it makes several disconcerting noises and cracks as I go (it is thin rusty metal after all) but I do it I get them loosened enough that I can turn them each without using the pipe extension or jumping. Plan 4 succeeds and I mentally note to buy a length of pipe for my trunk.

Task 4: Jack shit up

I have the jack that came with my vehicle/spare and it has a little sticker on it showing how to position it. I put it in place, put on the crank and crank it up. It is a little tedious and tiring but not to bad. Now that the really hard physical part is done and the less physically taxing possibly complicated step is complete it should be smooth sailing.

Task 5: Remove the lugs

Since I loosened all of the lugs pretty far earlier this goes fairly quick and easy, though my fingers are starting to ache. (it doesn't help that I went rock climbing last night). I get the lugs all off and in a pile for later.

Task 6: Removing the wheel

This by all means should be the easiest part. Everything that holds the wheel on has already been removed. I pull the tire. It doesn't budge. I re-grip and pull from a different spot. Still nothing. Maybe if i pull from the rim. Nope. I am getting frustrated at this point. I kick the tire and rim several times from different angles. Still on.

I go inside to eat lunch and try to look up if there is something I'm missing. Wiki-how says if the wheel is stubborn to hit around the rim with a rubber mallet. After eating I grab one and go whack it. I repeat several cycles of hitting it with the mallet, kicking it, and trying to pull it off. I am making no progress. I climb into the upper garage again and grab some WD-40. I spray it where the lugs used to be. I wait a few minutes and repeat a few more cycles of hitting with the mallet and kicking and pulling. I have now spent almost as much time trying to remove the wheel that is not attached as I spent loosening the lugs.

Stage 7: Acceptance

I give up. My will is strong, but my body is less so. I go inside back to my computer leaving the car jacked and the lugs off. My roommate is in the middle of a long conference call and will be busy until later, but once it is done he will help me. I must accept that in this I cannot be a strong independent woman who don't need no man.

How lucky then to live in a world where I know kind men that will help.

I write a tumblr post while my roommate finishes up work for the day.

#my post #happy st paddys day

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