#a word of advice: attend concerts. beg for money for them from your family members sleep in tents during rain

[fivewholeminutes]

so. wembley.

Once I have finally gathered my wits the words did not want to stop coming. This rambling is long; apologies for that. And for the messed up tenses I hate tenses we only have one past tense why is English like this

No photos/videos yet, they are still not properly checked/deleted/edited by me.

It was. Unsurprisingly. One of the best days of my life. But also, I don't remember much from my life, so don't trust me on this one. (Kidding, it totally WAS one of the best days of my life). And uhh... I have a problem with processing events and emotions, so it still feels like I have seen it on a TV screen instead of, you know, actually, physically having been there? Idk how to explain that, I still have to convince my brain that I've been there. I feel detached from it completely. But!! I!! Have!! Been!! There!!

I woke up so early that foxes were still roaming the streets. Didn't talk much with people around me in the queue (hello anxiety), but they were lovely! I signed the blue flag for iii from me & Lia, got the sticker for Projekt Atlantic, received some bracelets, exchanged some bracelets, put some sea creatures tattoos on people (LIA I FORGOT TO GIVE YOU THE WHALE!!!), slept on a pavement, bought merch for myself and others (I've never had anyone to buy concert merch for before, it's such a nice feeling 🥺).

And queueing for so long was so fucking worth it! Third row, baby!! For the first time in the middle!! (Which was my downfall later, but the pre-show me was not aware of that just yet). I couldn't actually hear HEALTH that well, but I really liked their drummer, he was enjoying himself and his joy was contagious. (I've checked them later though and. Last album, my beloved.) During the break, well, you all know what was happening, I have been liveblogging everything (sorry about that <3). The moment someone in the crowd literally screeched when they saw the new masks on instagram was a blessing, I wouldn't have survived seeing them in new masks without a warning. Also, my blind ass would probably realise 3 songs in that they have different masks, I shit you not. Besides, it was super fun having a mental breakdown here on tumblr with y'all <3

When Espera entered the stage, everything else stopped being of any importance to me. I remember my first thought was "oh yeah, sure, the ladies are dressed up and moving like this and you expect me to focus on anything else that is happening on this stage?". And of course, my second thought was "I GOTTA TAKE PICTURES FOR DARYA". Naturally, I was trying to keep up with everything else anyway. I haven't seen ii all too well though and it makes me sad :( Alas. I've had a good vantage point for the ladies. Yeah. Brain went brrrrr every time I was looking at them. Where was I again-

I was still coughing at that time. I got a terrible coughing fit after literally 3 short screams during HEALTH and my idiot ass has left all the lozenges except one in the hotel room an hour before the door opening. I thought I would have to spend the rest of the night not singing along nor screaming and felt utterly heartbroken for a few minutes, but after my Holy Grail Lozenge (and a LOT of water from the venue's crew) my cough has abandoned me for the duration of the whole ritual (thank you, Sleep). Even though, when Sam told us that we have to sing, my only thought was "I CAN'T FUCKING SING EITHER, MATE". But I did. Oh, I so fucking did. I sung my lungs out and did not cough even ONCE.

But you know. I was exhausted, anxious, surrounded by strangers and had more sugar in my veins than red cells at that point, so I wasn't my best self. I really thought the karaoke was for shits and giggles at first. "Oh yeah, it's The Most Popular Song, let's see how it sounds when 10k people sing it without the singer's help!", you know. Thought it was for the recording the announcements warned us about. But then we sung Granite. Ohhhkay. And then The Love You Want - certainly not a song they would leave for an impropmtu singalong. It was then that I (belatedly) realised that yeah, something really was wrong and so my heart broke again. So many preparations! Their biggest gig so far! Even iii managed to be there! And something had to happen!! Specifically!! To Vessel!! Of all people!! That was just not fair. He totally didn't deserve this. But it's just life and its endless fucking bad surprises for everyone, huh.

I didn't have enough time to collect all the broken pieces of my heart from the sticky floor and mend them after this realisation, because after Vessel joined the singing for the last few lines of TLYW, he dropped to his knees in front of us crying and thanking everyone. That sight is now carved into my brain. This is when I realised the 3rd row was a mistake. The psychic damage it gave me is irrevocable. Do you have those moments that you will never forget? A few seconds of an (usually traumatic) experience that will haunt you forever, replaying in your mind like a broken record? It was a bit like this for me. It wasn't traumatic, mind you, but it was definitely something that made a permanent dent in my heart and a home in my brain. And I wouldn't change it anyway.

Another thing that made me think that I will just fall down and never get up was iii & iv's hug. It was. So full of love and reassurence. Idk, you could just feel that emitting from them, okay? I was standing there thinking "yeah sure, just fucking murder me tonight instead, okay. Should've kept staring at Espera only-". Ah yes. The ladies. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Where was I again-

The goosebumps when the whole venue yelled "they won't be missing you" during Nazareth, oh my fucking god. On my previous rituals, in way smaller venues, there's always been a handful of people screaming it. And everyone doing it? Unparalleled feeling. Bordering on the shrimp emotions scale.

The lights were spectacular. I cannot describe how amazing the light show was. I am sending a kiss to each and every light crew member.

Also, Vessel being more emotional during the ritual as a whole. The TLYW moment was the worst for me, but there were many others. (Ascensionism and Bloodsport stabbing me with a rusty knife the most.) I mean, who could've blamed him for the emotions, he would probably be very emotional even without the voice issues. Who wouldn't be!! It was a big night, after all. God, it must have been so difficult for him, I really, really fucking hope the love coming from his bandmates, crew and the crowd was enough to help him focus on the good parts of the evening only. And!! It wasn't even that bad!!! Sure, he lost his voice for a while, but once it was back you could!! Barely!! Hear!! The difference!! I have a whole new level of respect for Vessel because of that. And for staying onstage with us for the songs he couldn't sing. Didn't know I could respect him even more than I already did, but hey. Love being surprised like that. I have seen concerts where the singers were singing way worse live while being completely healthy. Like sure, you could notice he's not using so many uhh, how do you call this in English, vocal ornamentations??? and that his voice is strained, but it was still beautiful. Take care of your voice now though, dude, jfc. Thanks for the sacrifice, much appreciated, but TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF OR SO HELP ME GOD I WILL FUCKING FIND YOU- (kidding, kidding. or am i.) I also liked that he was leaving the more screamy moments in songs for us. Aiming the microphone at us, positive we'll have his back. Like yeah, yeah, other bands do that relatively often, but it's not something they usually do, you know.

I can't vouch for everyone in the crowd, but I sure as fuck did not have a SINGLE thought that the show sucks because of his voice issues. Like it didn't even occur to me. Honest to god. I was shocked when I saw on tumblr that people were leaving? Asking for a refund????????????? I was having the time of my life singing those songs. It was a once-in-a-lifetime experience, probably!! Who can say they karaoked whole 3 songs with the band playing for them live?? Your local karaoke bar could never. (Bonus points, you could hear Espera better bc of that! Yes, I know, you are not supposed to hear backing vocals too loud in general, I'm just saying it was nice hearing them, bc usually I hear them on recordings only.)

Yeah, sure I was disappointed after the show that there was no Euclid, but that's just me, a total whore for Euclid. It's a completely different thing than being a bitch who leaves halfway, because something out of the ordinary has been happening.

Anyways. I would like to wish all the crowdsurfers a very fuck you. Hope you will all step on a lego every day for the rest of your lives <3

Crowdsurfers and constant giving away of water (which I understand, it was terribly hot there and it was needed) were a bit distracting, I missed some things because of the commotion, the drum solo has been disrupted by me getting a (fortunately very light) kick in the mouth and DRUM SOLO IS SACRED. I HOPE THE CROWDSURFER WHO DECIDED TO GO UP IN THAT MOMENT WILL STEP ON 3 LEGOS DAILY. IT'S LITERALLY THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF THE RITUAL FOR ME AND THEY HAVE RUINED IT. Thanks to another crowdsurfer, I missed the moment the band was throwing stuff into the crowd and I promised Lia I will catch a pick/drumstick for them!!!!!!! I've had a banner for this occassion and all!!!!! And!!!!! For the whole time things were flying from the scene!!!! I have been under someone's legs and ass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Side note: Vessel was throwing away his rings. That's so fucking cool, ahh.

All in all, half of the things that happened there, I've learned from tumblr. The announcements about the recording, people leaving, Vessel being covered in runes (I WAS STANDING RIGHT BEFORE HIM AND DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING. A N Y T H I N G. I HATE BEING A BLIND IDIOT), the Espera ladies laughing at iii for not coming to the photo, hell, even Vessel trying to get his attention. I have NO idea what I've been doing back then, it's a blur again lmao. And. The most important thing: Vessel's "thank you". I didn't catch it back then. I don't hear it on my recording. Tbh I couldn't believe y'all for a long while that it really happened (I'm sorry). But it did and you know what? I'm glad the broken pieces of my heart were left on the arena's floor earlier during the show. I don't want them anymore.

I would also like to thank that one security guy in huge headphones who was our warning that another fucking crowdsurfer was coming our way. I hope the headphones guy's pillow is always cold on both sides, his skin clear, his crops- and so on. Our hero <3

There was also a moment during Atlantic (another important moment disrupted. Smh) where 2 security persons dived into the crowd?? I still have no idea what was happening, bc if someone faints for example, they are always brught to the barricade by the crowd and security picks them up, I've never seen security getting into the crowd before. And because of that, people around me were talking loudly during Atlantic. Kill kill murder kill

Still, Projekt Atlantic was a huge success and I am so proud of the organisers!! They're in the same category of lovely people as the big headphones security guy

Sending a kiss to @murderofcrow for this gif 🖤

To sum up. I will forever be grateful for this band. This music has activated the dormant parts of my mind. I am making art again. I am meeting cool people because of them. I have people to talk about it with who are as excited about it as I am. For the first time in ages I really feel alive again. And life is not good, far from it, to be completely honest with you, they haven't magically fixed all my problems, but I do have something that actually fucking works on me. I know Vessel wouldn't agree, but they are saving people. And you all, lovely ST pocket of tumblr motherfuckers who are reading this, you are saving people too.

And, last but not least!! In hot pink, because I can! Thanks to this ritual I could finally meet @vesselsscarlet and @thevenomousseprent in person!!!!!!!!! I love you guys, you are amazing and I can't wait to see you again 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 You've made me feel so loved that weekend and it's something I haven't felt in a while!!

#it was surprisingly hard to write #took a lot of editing and rewriting whole paragraphs and it's still not a proper description of everything i wanted to say #i don't know how to talk about emotions #and i have. a lot of them since wembley #a word of advice: attend concerts. beg for money for them from your family members sleep in tents during rain #or in hostel rooms filled with random people #go for gigs without a place to sleep and spend 4hrs waiting for your bus home in a local mcdonalds #watching drunk guys split their eyebrows on the stairs there #(not now tho now we're boycotting macdonalds #but there are other places open 24/7) #go to gigs alone #but by god. go to them if you are able to and if your health allows you to go #(and yes it is coming from someone with anxiety. i wouldn't travel or sleep in a tent alone for anything else trust me) #it is always worth it. ALWAYS #sleep token

[tswatch]

so um...one of my friends unfortunately has no access to mental health resources professionalwise, and im not sure how to help them because im in no way liscensed and theyre v suicidal a lot and im always worried about them. idk what to do -spook

Hi love, thanks for messaging us!

I want to start off by saying that your friend is very lucky to have someone like you in their life. You obviously care about them a lot. The fact that you’re messaging us on advice on how to help someone makes you an awesome, amazing friend. Friends like you can be hard to come by

Now, how can you help your friend? When it comes to someone you care about being depressed and suicidal, it can all seem super overwhelming and hopeless. But there are things you can do and try to help your friend get through this difficult time.

One of the worst things you can do is not say anything at all. Just the simple act of asking if your friends wants to talk about how their feeling will show that you care. And that means everything in the world, trust me. Tell your friend that you love them and care about them and want to help them. Be honest and tell them that you’re not quite sure what to say or do to help, but that you want to help.

Sometimes actions speak louder than words. Sometimes there is nothing you can say that will make things better, but simply being supportive can make all the difference in the world. A lot of people feel the need to say something in order to feel helpful, but sometimes the act of listening is more effective than any words could ever be. Just the simple fact that you are even there to talk to them and support them matters more than you realize.

The best thing you can do is encourage them to get help herself, whether that be professional help or even simply telling a family member how their feeling (both would be best!). Keep in mind that sometimes people need to hear things over and over again before they start to sink in. You might have to literally beg them to get help, which I know can be frustrating, but please don’t give up! Encourage them to talk to other people about what’s going on, especially an adult or professional. Maybe go with them to the school counselor, or even go with them to a doctor, for moral and emotional support? (I’m not sure if you live near them or not).

I would say something like, “I love you, and I’m worried about you. It would mean a lot to me if you saw a doctor or professional. I’ll even go with you. Please, I care about you so much and I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you.”

Now I know you mentioned that this friend doesn’t have any access to mental health resources... is that because they can’t afford it, or is there something else preventing them from getting professional help? If it’s because they can’t afford it, maybe you could organize a fundraiser to raise some money for your friend, like a bake sale. Or maybe you can start selling your artwork on Etsy for some extra cash to help them out if you’re an artist, or help them brainstorm ideas they can get extra money themselves.

Here are some links which give suggestions on what to do if you can’t afford health insurance / therapy / medication. Maybe you can show these to your friend and they can help them in some way?

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/12/04/what-to-do-when-you-cant-afford-therapy/

http://greatist.com/grow/resources-when-you-can-not-afford-therapy

Do you have any mutual friends that can help you convince this friend to get help? There’s strength in numbers, and if they are hearing it from multiple people, it might sink in more! Please don’t try to support them on your own. That’s too much for one person to deal with by themselves. You’ll be much more successful in helping them if you have other people on your side helping you!

With that being said, please don’t hesitate to get their family involved if you are afraid they are an immediate risk for hurting herself. They’re probably going to be very mad at first, but it’s so important that their family knows what is going on so they can help keep them safe and get them the help they needs! It’s better to have them alive and mad than dead. So if you’ve tried everything possible to get them to get help and they refuses, and they’re in danger of hurting herself, I’d contact their family.

Another thing that you could try is helping them come up with what I call an “escape plan.” Think about it this way: every business has a fire escape plan, right? They figure out what is the best exit in a fire and the best way to get there. They even practice it a few times with fire drills. They do all of this before there is ever a fire, because if they waited until there was a fire, there would be mass chaos and people would get injured. It’s the same with suicidal thoughts. You have to have a plan before you find yourself in that crisis. So maybe you can help them come up with an escape plan. Brainstorm some things they can do if they have the urge to act on his thoughts. Make a list of activities they can do to distract himself, people they can call, or places they can go. Have them keep this list somewhere so that they can take it out in an emergency and go through the things one by one. Keep a copy of the list with you so that you can help them go through the list if need be. If you need ideas for things they can do to distract themselves, check out this page here: http://tswatch.tumblr.com/selfharmhelp and http://tswatch.tumblr.com/distraction

You could also help them make a list of reasons not to hurt / kill themselves, or reasons they should keep living. Either you can help them come up with one, or you can write one for them. If you help them come up with one, have them write down all the people they care about, their dreams and goals, their favorite things, their hobbies, places they want to visit, things they want to do, their favorite music, concerts they want to attend, etc. You could find some ideas here: http://tswatch.tumblr.com/reasons

One of the most helpful techniques for helping someone overcome depression / protecting someone from themselves is to get them out of the house. If you stay in the house alone in your room, you’re more likely to stay stuck in your depressive rut. So maybe part of their plan can be to come to your house when their feeling down, or for you to go over there and watch a movie, or for them to meet you at a park to go for a walk, or something like that! That way you can physically be there with their to help keep them safe. Again, this only really applies if you live near them or not.

There’s also a lot of great resources on the internet that have good ideas on how to help someone struggling with mental illness / depression / suicidal thoughts. The more research and reading you do, the better you can help you friend!

Hope this helps,

#support #jen #Anonymous