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breathings-of-the-heart · 4 years

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Imagine Levi Confessing his Love for You

A/N: THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT PLEASE READ THE TEXT BELOW BEFORE PROCEEDING THANK YOU :))

HERE IS A TIMELINE / EXPLANATION / BACKGROUND INFORMATION BECAUSE CASE THE TIME SKIPS OF THIS STORY ARE CONFUSING: I’m sorry for that everyone, I know the dates are sloppy and as a whole this fic doesn’t make too much sense; I tried to edit this piece as best I could to make the story as easy to follow as possible, but seeing as I can’t unpublish part 1 or 2, the cleanup still leaves things bit unclear. These imagines were originally chapters of a longer Levi x Reader fic that I decided to discontinue, which is why there are so many loose ends. Here was my original intention for this story, broken down for the few who choose to read the Author’s Notes lol.

We are going to do this in the order of the 3 part fic (I also put attached all the links to the titles)

Part 1: Imagine Relating to Mikasa About Loving Someone in the Military

The scene is set during the events of SEASON 1 of Attack on Titan, BEFORE the Female Titan Arc. (Y/N) was also hand selected by Levi to be part of the original Special Operation Squad; she bit her hand at the dinner table along with Petra, Gunther, Eld, and Oluo to show their dedication and understanding towards Eren wayyy back in the beginning of the series. The Survey Corps is making preparations for their first attempt to go to Shiganshina since the Fall of Wall Maria and not only uncover the mole who killed captive titans Sonny and Bean, but also to get to Eren’s basement.

Part 2: To Love Another

The flashback and opening scene in the beginning of this writing piece (where (Y/N) and Hange are talking to each other) occurs shortly after (Y/N) wakes up in the infirmary room, before anyone breaks the news that she, aside from an injured Levi, is the last surviving member of Squad Levi after Annie killed the others in the Forest of Giant Trees in her female titan form. Hange’s intentions were to bring the (Y/N) and Levi together so they would be able to support each other during this mutual loss. But alas, (Y/N) accepts his rejection and the two suffer the aftermath of this tragic news alone. To read this arc for context/bonus content to get a better understanding of this mini series, see my posts (as a sort of prequel, if you will) Imagine Levi Finding you Injured on an Expedition and Imagine Being the Last Member of Squad Levi To Survive to fill that time gap :)

In real-time, all of Season 2 and Season 3 Part 1 have gone by with limited interaction between (Y/N) and Levi. This part of the story is occurring during Season 3 PART 2, (spoilers) after the Coup D'etat, and after Historia becomes Queen. (Y/N) is no longer an active soldier, having sustained injuries too severe to be reliable in combat. She remains useful to the Corps as a battle strategist, however, which allows her to stay. The Scouting Regiment is currently preparing to go to Eren’s basement in their second attempt, knowing Reiner and Berthold will be waiting for them there.

Part 3: Imagine Levi Confessing his Love for You (YOU ARE HERE)

This part takes place pretty much a week or so after the events of “To Love Another.” It is revealed how much (Y/N) has isolated herself in the months between Parts 1 and 2 from not only Levi, but Hange, the only one besides Mikasa who knew about her feelings for Levi prior to their falling out. (Y/N) confesses her feelings for Levi before the mission to Shiganshina in Season one, and the fic parallels itself and comes full circle once their final interaction occurs before the second and final mission to Shiganshina, for which, (Y/N) is unable to go for her death would be almost certain. She seen to be more valuable inside the walls, where she can carry on the duties of the Survey Corps should the entire regiment collapse during the mission. This is the final part :)

I HOPE THAT CLEARS THINGS UP!

requested by @a-single-uwo @dracq and @little-diva-gurl and a lovely anon who def isn’t the happiest that this took so long. Deepest apologies! Hope this was worth the wait. I also hope this post finds everyone safe and in good health during these crazy times <3

~~~~~

Dread bottled up in the bottom of your stomach, which threatened to fall down to your knees. Even Hange’s eyes brimmed with concern when she informed you that Levi requested your presence in his office; all of which was out of the blue, uncharacteristic, after months of him being accustomed to giving you your space.

Feigning annoyance, you stared at the soldier dummy two paces ahead, dented heavily with the marks of your punches. The sun was beating down on the early autumn day, and heat waves rose from the ground. It illuminated the glistening perspiration sliding down your figure, torso rising and falling in short breaths of exhaustion.

Hange watched you carefully from a distance. She noticed your tense muscles, clad in a sports bra and boxing shorts; the lack of attire made it impossible to hide the sudden tension and stiffness embedded in your lean muscles, a tell tale sign of distress. As a creature of observation and analytics, the Squad Leader could sense your discomfort as if it was written across your forehead.

The brunette watched you wipe the sweat off your forehead and yell in frustration, turning towards her direction and moving to land a kick at her head.

Unfazed and in possession of sharp reflexes, Hange took a step back, only to watch as you twisted mid-air and landed a 360 Crescent kick to the dummy-shaped bag, which broke open on impact under the force of the blow. Sand poured out of its opening and spilled onto the ground in a steady stream that grew less heavy as the seconds passed.

“I’ll have to admit, you are getting better, but (Y/N), don’t get your hopes up,” Hange cautioned. “The problem does not reside in your muscles. No matter how well you learn to fight like you used to, Annie crushed your ribs and threw you to the ground: it's your lungs that will never recover. You can’t come with us to Shiganshina tomorrow like this.”

Hunched over with hands on your knees, you regained a regular breathing pattern and began to feel the explosive pain in your chest. Airways blocked, you began coughing, willing the oxygen to enter your body.

“Let me humor myself, Hange-san. If I don’t try, I might go insane.”

It was almost tragic that such a young soldier was out of commission; you were full of promise, rivalling Mikasa in skill. Hange knew you were itching to do what you trained for your whole life: Coming to Shiganshina and putting it all on the line had always been your number one goal. You didn’t want to be left behind again, to die bitter and alone without the only people you cared about.

“Regardless, (Y/N), you’re stalling,” Hange smoothly shifted the topic of conversation back to what brought her to you in the first place. “He still has that power over you, huh?”

"It'll pass eventually," you sighed, hoping the words were true.

You bowed towards the tall female. She smiled in return, shaking her head softly.

Whilst pacing away, said person stopped you once more.

“(Y/N). For what it’s worth, I stand by what I said before. Don’t look so nervous, okay?”

Her words replayed in your head, a haunting ghost of the not-so-long ago past. Time was strange, that way. It seemed like everything happened yesterday yet in another lifetime, all at once. “He loves you, more than he’s ever loved anyone. Surely you know that.”

Stupid, you thought, how I might have believed it once.

As you made your way down the hall, numbness crept into your body once again. You were too proud to admit you were afraid, especially with the Section Commander’s radiating sympathy, but everyone knew the once friendly dynamic between you and the Captain transformed into one more distant and cold. With each step towards the door, you felt the icy chill grow and that fact alone shook you to the core.

But it didn’t matter, seeing as Levi was of superior authority. There was no way around it.

Your hand shook as it raised to knock.

~~~~~~

“Name and business,” Levi spoke, voice muffled by the closed door.

“It’s (Y/N), sir. I was hoping to speak with you.”

There was a pause, and in that time you considered the option of fleeing back to your room and retreating back to a life of emotional safety, normality. It wasn’t too late to forget.

It had been a week since you spoke to Mikasa on the rooftop, after realizing the deep shit your heart decided to put you in. You didn’t think Levi would notice the distracted nature of your behavior-- tried to make it as subtle as possible whilst you figured out what you felt for him.

But before you could explore other options, Levi muttered a stern “enter.” You knew with the first expedition back to Shiganshina tomorrow, and the prospect of death closer than it has ever been on a mission, it was now or never.

The room was dim, small, warm, and thick with building tension. Shadows danced across the Captain’s face, sharp features lit by an orange flame. Only candlelight, sourced at his desk, assisted your adjusting eyes.

Your nose was hit with the smell of tea and cleaning products upon entry. This fact made you smile despite your bundling nervous energy. It was a familiar place, filled with memories of late night conversations (granted, of mostly you speaking and him listening), witnessed only by the large piles of paperwork. It started here and resulted in a natural, growing fondness kept secret to all except you two and the moon looking in from the window.

This man was your squad leader, your commander, your trusted comrade. There was no need to be afraid-- Not unless of course, you held the potential to shatter such damn a delicate relationship.

And you did.

Was it worth it?

Your gaze gravitated towards the center of the room where the Lance Corporal sat. And in that instant, your smile evaporated instantly. He placed his pen down, gracefully resting his cheek on his fist and lazily tossing the raven locks out of his eyes-- they landed on you, piercing yet drowsy and indifferent upon first glance. He was beautiful, as always. The allure was nearly sickening; unfair to the rest of the world.

Looking closer, however, he was anything but relaxed. The observant eye could see his countenance stirred something different. He seemed sharp and focused, ready to dart out and wrap himself around your heart, squeezing tighter with every breath you took. And you felt it-- the heart palpitations, which got worse at the sight of him.

He seemed… different. Dangerous, like a storm stirring in the distance, and the inevitable downpour that comes with it. The dark circles under his eyes told tales about the insomnia; a fresh cup of caffeinated black tea even rested on his left, steam rising out of it. And whilst attraction was undeniable, your concern always came first.

Levi was never quite good at getting proper rest before a mission.

“(Y/N),” The word was breathy, yet his voice was rough.

You shuffled in your spot, your name on his tongue making your stomach churn with desire.

Levi seemed to pick up on your affliction, getting out of his chair and gliding towards you. Everything happened fast and slow all at once, starting off with a momentaneous rush of air and the collision of your back with the office wall. A small shriek filled the air, out of place against the silence; was that your voice? The pain should’ve been there, but it wasn’t.

Then the seconds dragged out. Levi was a new person, setting your skin aflame as he gripped your wrists and pinned them against the wall. His lips brushed your eartips, which turned red the instant the raven’s breath fanned over them. This normally reserved, disciplined man unleashed something you had never seen before.

“Finally ready to talk to me about why you’ve been acting so strange, brat?” he whispered.

This wasn’t supposed to be so dirty. He was angry, but the mood was established in layers: something more sinister existed beneath.

The scent of fresh pine filled your nostrils until your brain went foggy. Levi was close--so close, and with the fact that you’ve been avoiding him mixed in with the fact that you missed him for it, all bets were off: there was no stopping the words that came out of your mouth next.

“There’s something I need to tell you,” you whispered back, looking him dead in the eyes, no fear this time.

His grip on your wrist slackened.

“Hm?”

You took in a deep breath, ready to leave it all on the line, and spoke.

“I like you a lot, sir. And not in a comradery type of way. I-I just thought I’d tell you before, you know, we leave tomorrow.” Your gaze found the floor again, too timid for your own good. But the statement was said, and it was finite; there was no turning away from it.

The Captain’s eyes went wide and gleamed brightly at you. His chest felt lighter and as he looked down at you in speechless awe, staring at anything but his face in your adorable embarrassment, he realized exactly why your absent look irked him those days ago. Why your lack of enthusiasm and lighthearted-ness gave him a strange sense of frustration.

Levi never felt more awake, more hyper aware of his surroundings.

The feeling of your chest pressed against him, the heat of those rosy cheeks, the pounding within his ribcage, the moon hitting your pretty face. With your figure in his arms, after the blissful seconds passed, everything felt, for once, okay.

Until it wasn’t.

Gaining the courage to look back up at him, you all but tore apart at the scowl on his face as demons flitted through his beautiful brain and polluted the image of happiness. Levi grew more indignant by the second, all but throwing your arms he held back at your sides like they were poison to the touch.

Tears pooled in your eyes as the soft expression you didn’t get to see turned sour, disgusted-- the Captain’s lips curling into a snarl as he imagined what he could lose if he opened up his heart for this girl in front of him to take. The risk and pain of falling for someone, in the world the two of you lived in. And all the stoic man could think was how he allowed this charade to come so far.

No, he wouldn't allow it.

“Get out, (L/N)” he commanded, harsh and unforgiving.

You were trembling, body feeling detached from reality as it moved, convincing itself that it was simply a nightmare. Levi’s cruel demeanor all but shattered you as you looked wide-eyed and his anger grew, the short man pacing behind his desk and bringing a hand over his face. His free one crumpled into a fist, knuckles turning white as he slammed it on the wood, the loud bang making you jump; the fear, grief, confusion coming all at once until it choked you and your vision spotted black.

“I said GET OUT!”

The room stilled and Levi looked up to face you cowering near the door, a single tear rolling down your cheek. He stilled at the sight, the weight of his words dawning upon him.

“I-I’m sorry,” you gasped before racing out of the room.

Had you looked back, you would’ve seen Levi’s outstretched hand betraying his body, desperately reaching out for you, gray eyes filled with pain.

But you knew now you’d never be dumb enough to spare him that second glance-- and maybe that was the right call, seeing as his feet moved in the direction you left, only to shut the door left askew in your wake.

~~~

The Captain’s gaze was on you more than necessary, but it was clear the two of you had the same thought: You focused everything into this discussion, melting into the emotionally-detached soldier your duty commanded, just like Levi did. His words had no ulterior motive, no deeper meaning. They were monotonous and empty.

Or so you thought.

Levi stood up the second you came in, but your gaze fell to the ground in submission.

“Hange said you needed to see me, Captain?” your voice was small and weak; you kicked yourself for it. How pathetic.

“Damn you...”

The man said nothing more, brushing his fingers along your cheekbones and you everything hit you like whiplash, the memories. Levi ran them along your face, down to your chin to lift it gently, so that for once you’d let your eyes meet instead of looking at the ground like a coward.

When they did the man’s breath hitched in his throat, because although your (eye color) orbs were no longer as vibrant, they were still beautiful and entrancing; why hadn’t he ever appreciated them before?

"I missed you, brat," he spoke firmly.

You felt a churn in your abdomen as you watched his eyes study the details of your face and take in every feature, committing it to memory painfully slow. You were paralyzed, his face inches away from yours and forcing buried emotions to resurface as months of restraint came undone. He didn’t speak, holding you delicately after not being this close for far too long and discerning what he’s been missing.

“Um, Captain? What are you...?"

You bit your lip, feeling puzzled and confused as you remembered the hate in Levi's orbs the last time you saw him like this.

All you could see now was how quickly his emotions shifted from serenity to fury that fateful night, and as you recollected the way Levi lashed out, all chaos and fury, he retracted his hand.

And you flinched away.

The Captain froze.

“Don’t-- don’t fucking do that,” he growled, his urgency startling. “I would never hurt you, (Y/N).”

Your eyebrows furrowed, all inhibition thrown out the window the second Levi’s countenance flashed with hurt at your response to his touch. You let your fear go and emotions free at the irony of the raven’s statement. Your mind went into overdrive, recounting every instance you wanted to give up and leave, drown in yourself, give up on finding purpose in the aftermath of rejection and Squad Levi’s death and your permanent injury changing your way of life. Things you faced alone, because instead of rekindling any semblance of a relationship, Levi tossed everything away and berated you for feeling.

The man who resided here cut your heart expertisely like the countless swords he wielded then disposed. He did not have the right to look at you so kindly; did not have to right to fan the flames of false hope. But here he was, procrastinating until the very last day to take initiative regarding those actions.

“Why are you doing this?” you whispered, forgetting your composure.

“I’d advise you not to speak in riddles,” Levi spoke in a low and even voice, no real malice as he addressed you and tucked a loose strand of hair behind your ear.

You took a deep breath and fought to remain calm, grabbing Levi's wrist to keep him from touching you.

“Please don’t toy with me, or mock my feelings like this. Why did you call me here? You made it plenty clear how you feel about me, Levi. What else is there to say?" you begged, the lack of closure driving you insane.

This was the first time you used his name, an unprecedented amount of spite and pain expressed through it, because you wanted Levi to remember this moment. It was over: that time of feeling sorry and ashamed of yourself for being nothing other than human. The remorse was gone, and the heartache was fleeting.

“Tell me, dammit!”

His was overflowing.

“You want to know how I really feel about you, (Y/N)!?” the Captain shouted, voice rising because for a man who relied on impulse and action on the battlefield it was fucking frustrating, watching the woman in front of him live this way for the simple reason that he was not good with words. "The thoughts that go through my head when you can't even bear to look at me?!"

"No, that's not what I asked. I already know that you don't--"

"--Fuck this."

Relying on instinct to guide him, Levi leaned forward and kissed you.

The second his lips met yours, you melted on the spot, knees giving out beneath you. Tongue sliding into your mouth, Levi simultaneously lifted you into the air, feeling lightheaded as you moaned into him, eagerly returning the kiss. His hands were everywhere, grasping at your waist, clutching the back of your head, running down your thighs. You were in such a state of euphoria that nothing else existed.

Your own digits threaded through Levi’s raven locks and pulled needily, emitting a growl from his throat as he bit down on your lower lip. He reveled in the feeling of your legs around his waist as your soft lips worked against his own, hungry and relentless. The kiss was passionate and you’d imagined it a million times over, but this-- Levi successfully ruined you for any other man.

The need for oxygen pulled you apart, Levi’s strong arms keeping you in the air as his eyes remained shut; he pecked your lips once, then twice, savoring the moment until it mournfully passed.

He was hesitant to break the silence, but you deserved it. You waited long enough to hear the truth, and he knew his time was running out; you weren’t going to wait for him forever.

“(Y/N)...” he began to speak, forehead resting on yours as he panted softly to catch his breath. “I dreamt of you last night. I have been for days.”

“Levi--”

“--Just listen,” he interrupted, unable to stop himself from kissing you softly once more. “Neither of us are running away this time.”

You fell silent as the man let you down, pulling you into his solid chest as you buried your face in his shirt, patiently listening. His calm heartbeat thrummed soothingly in your ears like a metronome.

“Isabel, Farlan, Oluo, Petra, Gunther, Eld. They all knew that what they meant to me. And I them."

One of the only things that made it easier to say goodbye, you thought with a bittersweet pang in your chest.

"With us, it's different. I died in every dream, (Y/N). Every one. And in every single one, you lived on believing I never loved you. Call me selfish, but I...”

You pulled away from the stoic man, searching his gaze as he trailed off. Shyly, you interlaced your fingers, his larger hand enveloping yours and you prayed to whoever was listening upstairs that all of this was real.

“I just can't leave until you understand...”

He clutched you impossibly tighter, eyes squeezing shut.

"...that you, are everything."

~~~ Extended Ending ~~~

A soft hum filled the air, the tune dreamy and sweet as you repeated the melody once again. You smiled warmly as hands wound around your waist, pulling you closer to a toned and shirtless Captain Levi, silken sheets tossed haphazardly on top of the two of you. His breath sent goosebumps on your neck as he kissed your shoulder gently, warmth deliciously intoxicating.

Giggling now, you turned around to face him, the man’s onyx hair ticking you softly. You captured your lips in his with one smooth movement and snuggled closer, taking in the small slice of heaven that was home in his arms, legs tangled together. Feeling unbelievably content, like your heart might burst, you leaned forward and rubbed your nose against Levi's.

Although he wasn't smiling, the look he was giving you revealed his own sensation of happiness.

“I never thought you’d be the cuddling type,” you remarked devilishly, scrunching up your nose as you teased him.

Though your tone was lighthearted, you were painfully aware that the moment was ending. You internally cursed the sun as it started to set, orange light peeking in through the window shades to signal the coming of night. Levi said nothing, looking deeply into your eyes, and like always, it felt as if he could read the contents of your soul.

But it wasn’t vulnerability you felt: on the contrary, you knew you would never find as safe a place as here. With him. Finally.

“Levi...” you swallowed, humor all but gone. “Now you have to come home.”

To emphasize your point you sat up on the bed, legs tucked neatly underneath you as you stared imperatively at your lover.

“Mhm. We’ve wasted enough time,” he agreed, taking you by the wrist to pull you back on top of him, to bask in this personal paradise if only for another minute.

#levi ackerman x reader #lance corporal levi #LEVI ACKERMAN #snk #shingeki no kyojin #AoT #attack on titan #attack on titan imagines #attack on titan x reader #snk imagines #Captain Levi #snk season 3 #aot x reader #levi x reader #levi ackerman fanfiction #levi ackerman imagine

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aomi-nabi · 3 years

Text

get to know me tag game

wasn’t tagged but saw from @mercurygguk and felt like doing it(i always miss the ones that ppl tag me in, im so sorry)

tagging: @chateautae @blue-sidez @v-hobi @thefanficmonster @honeytae @hantaev @venusiangguk and obv whoever wants to do it

1. when is your birthday?

october 1st

2. what is your favorite color?

lilac(purple in general) and light green

3. what is your lucky number?

47? idk how that happened

4. how tall are you?

173 cm but its been a while

5. how many pairs of shoes do you own?

6 prob

6. favorite song?

im all over the place with music but currently “people watching” by conan gray

7. favorite movie?

harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban

8. what would be your ideal partner?

idk honestly, just someone who is honest and that i can feel safe with

9. do you want children?

prob not, they r great dont get me wrong, just never saw myself as a mother

10. have you gotten in trouble with the law?

lmao nope but who knows

11. what color socks are you wearing?

black with bunch of gray and bluish dots on them, they r super warm

12. bath or shower?

showerrr, way too lazy for the bath

13. favorite kind of music?

whenever the mood takes me so most likely everything

14. how many pillows do you sleep on?

two, i put my face between and fall alseep immediately, dont know how i got there lol

15. what position to you sleep in?

either on my back or the stomach(ik ik unhealthy and everything but i cant help it)

16. what don’t you like when you’re sleeping?

complete darkness, i sleep with a night light(im not as cool as u think i am)

17. what do you eat for breakfast?

changes everyday but mostly either pancakes or eggs

18. have you ever tried archery?

nope, im useless at any type of sport ngl

19. what are your favorite fruits?

green apples, bananas and avocados(is avocado a fruit? im too lazy to google)

20. favorite swear word?

never thought of it but i guess “dick nugget” bc i call my friend that way😂 (also fuck, its like the most used word in my vocab)

21. do you have any scars?

on my left knee, fell from a scooter

22. are you a good liar?

i want to say yes but im not sure

23. what is your personality type?

INFJ-T(i literally took the test bc i was so curious, idk is this result a good or a bad thing?)

24. what is your favorite type of girl?

idk, it changes and honestly i dont think i have a type at this point

25. right or left handed?

right handed, my left hand is so useless sometimes

26. favorite food?

any type of potatoes, i love em

27. are you clean or messy?

clean all the way, sometimes procrastinate tho

28. favorite foreign food?

italian and mexican

29. how long does it take you to get ready?

prob 5 to 10 minutes

30. most used phrase?

“i dont know”, i mean u could prob tell😂

31. are you a good singer?

nopeee

32. do you sing to yourself?

eh more like hum some random song that i dont remember

33. biggest fear?

prob fear of heights?

34. do you like short or long hair?

both r cool, but with my rounded face, only long suits me😭

35. are you into gossip?

no, but ppl always tell me gossip for some reason so idk

36. extrovert or introvert?

introvert all the wayyy

37. favorite school subject?

history

38. what makes you nervous?

driving and phone calls(ikr, have no idea how i survive this far)

39. who was your first real crush?

girl with bright red jacket in 8th grade, wonder how she is doing now

40. how many piercings do you have?

two(my ears basically), prob have more in future

41. how fast can you run?

ive been told im horrible at running but i try my best

42. what makes you angry?

there is always something new everytime so idk

43. do you like your own name?

yeah, i think its unique and cool, for short i prefer kam or kama tho

44. what are your weaknesses?

social anxiety and just anxiety in general lmao

45. what are your strengths?

good listener, patient ish, and prob napping during the day

46. what color is your bed spread?

light mustard, brown ish?

47. what color is your room?

rlly light blue

#god this was so much fun #ik this was unprompted but i was bored #if u r reading this hope u have a wonderful day

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chatonyant · 4 years

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are u planning on making any major (or minor) changes revolving the kekkei genkais? :D

OhohO yeah I’ve got plans :> thanks for asking, I have an excuse to ramble about them now :D

The ideas I have actually came before the idea of this au because I was chatting with my friends and had a whole ramble on “Hey, kekkei genkais don’t make sense. What if they did?”

The ideas, much like pretty much everything else, are still a work in progress BUT the general idea I have for them is that they’re learnable jutsus-- it’s just that they’re harder to learn and control and may have physical debilitations due to the nature of the jutsu.

This is excluding the things that are obviously physical/biological like the doujutsu and the bone kekkei genkai. Though that does bring up the question of why Ao could activate and deactivate his Byakugan but Kakashi couldn’t do so with his Sharingan. Personally I want to think that it may have something to do with a battlefield implant by a still-learning (but highly talented cause wOW) medic-nin. But that’s more food for thought at a later time :D

More rambling underneath!

So to go more in-depth with kekkei genkais being learnable, I want to first talk about the original concept itself. It’s interesting how within the Naruto universe, there’s this concept of knowledge being passed down through genetics. Because this isn’t the Avatar universe, where movements and will are what control the elements. Though their movements are akin to martial arts, accidental bending exists, as does bending with casual movements. Ninjutsu isn’t like that. Ninjutsu requires specific hand movements in a specific order. The control of chakra could be instinctual, like someone knowing how much energy they need to jump, but hand signs are a lot more precise and complex(?) than that. So how is it that such knowledge is passed down through genetics? Haku and Tenzou both wield their bloodlines very well without having a teacher with the same kekkei genkai.

I’ve got no proper answer for that in canon (except the idea of “why not?”), but I do want to go more in-depth with the idea of knowledge and instincts within the au at a later time, tying it in with the idea of yokai and spirits ;)

So. The fundamental elements of kekkei genkai aren’t unusual. It’s the combination of two chakra elements to create a secondary element. But is that impossible for other shinobi? What makes these clans so special?

In this redesigned world, this combination of chakra elements isn’t impossible for other shinobi-- just really really difficult and requires high chakra control. If a shinobi doesn’t have the chakra control and just slams the two elements together, sure it could work, but it may not have the results that they particularly wanted. These jutsus COULD be copied by someone who has a Sharingan, but it would difficult for the copier to control said chakras if they didn’t have experience beforehand.

Another reason it’s difficult is the physical requirements. For example, Haku’s ice. So say someone eventually DID learn how to utilize the ice style. But there are consequences. They can’t use it for long before the cold seeps into their skin and bones and begins numbing their fingers and potentially causing hyperthermia. Haku, being born with this kekkei genkai, has a body better suited for such jutsu which could vary from naturally lower body temp to being more resistant to the cold.

Another example is Tenzou and his Mokuton. I mean really, this man can turn his body into a tree. Enough said about physical requirements.

HOWEVER.

That does not mean that someone couldn’t learn a modified version of Mokuton that doesn’t require turning your flesh into wood.

But before I get into that, let’s go into ambient chakra.

I don’t know if this is canon or not and frankly i’m too tired to find out because it doesn’t matter, i’m doing my own thing.

I’ve got this headcannon that there is ambient chakra that infuses the air, water, and nature in general. This is not nature chakra, because nature chakra is a special type of chakra that does not usually float around in abundance because if it did, sages would just need to tap into the near infinite energy of nature around them and spend less time “gathering” the energy. No, this is just casual chakra that just vibes in the world.

Haku’s ice is created by the moisture around them. Ok, cool. Fire jutsus are created when the user breathes out chakra elements. Aight, makes sense. You could totally science that and say something about chakra and friction and sparks and- yeah. Kisame creating a fucking mini ocean in the middle of a desert?

I hate my brain trying to science this. Did I just make ambient chakra a thing just to make some things make sense? Yes, among other things? Am I going far too into things when I really don’t need to/ probably shouldn’t? Probably.

So. Conservation of matter really doesn’t apply to this world, but ANYWAYS, shinobi subconsciously use ambient chakra to create and manipulate the world around them. They basically use their chakra as a fishing line to hook onto the chakra of their surroundings and yank it into position. Or create a mini-ocean in the middle of a desert, whatever.

The idea I have of how Mokuton works is that the user manipulates the roots and seeds of plants around them into growing faster and moving where the user wants them to be. Thus, their jutsu is weaker in areas with very little plants. At first I was thinking “hey maybe they make wood out of nowhere like they do with water” but then I was like “wow that would use up a LOT of chakra.” And also i just like the idea of a Mokuton user carrying around seeds and tossing them around but I digress.

So a Mokuton user would use their chakra and ambient chakra to feed the plant and make it grow. (wow such a simple explanation that took too long to explain-- I’m sorry, words get ahead of me sometimes.)

Thus a person can learn to manipulate the plants in their vicinity but not be able to turn their own flesh into wood like Hashirama and Tenzou :D with Obito as honorable mention.

Stuff like chakra chains are less of “wow that require pinpoint control and understanding of chakra natures” it’s more of “oh fuck that’s a lot of chakra and i have to mold it into shape outside my body??? nope” it’s like Rasengan! except with wayyy more chakra and more density. (Tailed beasts!!! It can fucking hold down tailed beasts-)

Chakra is said to have five (+two) natures but there’s also so many different types of jutsus shown within the show that things inevitably get very very confusing

#nart au #alp asks #naruto #thank you so much for the ask!#seeing people enjoy the ramblings and doodles i make is very encouraging haha #im still unsure of how to use tumblr so forgive my fumblings #it took me too long to figure out how to add tags to asks without editing after posting #me rambling is just me typing with nary a solid thought #so forgive me if my ramblings are confusing :"D

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saltine-kakyoin · 4 years

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OH SHIT!!!! my clown ass never saw that u rb'd those ask posts, i was Looking at my notifs to see if u would so i could send u some but SOMEHOW I MISSED IT??? clown hours.... ANyways for the emoji one have 🤗💙💘🍀😇 and 👍 (tried to not do repeats from your ask 2 me cause they all apply anyways but, Regardless) and for the questions post, maybe 5, 11, 12, 17, 20, 23 and 25? ;__;/ ily so much and i hope u have a rlly lovely night!!! and that this coming week is kinder 2 u!!!! 💖💖💖💖

ahhh, it’s no worries!!! idk about you but for me, tumblr has been having the Time of Its LIFE lately wrt notifications and most disconcertingly, unfollowing people! D: so i completely get it, it’s no worries!!! ;w;/ i already know for a Fact i’m going to write so so much, so i’m gonna put this under a readmore >w< ruth 🤝 sarah respectful lesbian moments

edit: so I finished writing it and it’s Insanely Long- just in case you don’t make it to the bottom, thank you mein broth-er!!!! ; O; i hope you have a wonderful night too!! writing all of this out made me reminisce on some really nice times, and I’m having an a1 night! ^^ ilysm! it’ll probably be daytime when you read this, so i hope you have a great day! <3

🤗 given the chance I would gladly hug you

on god!!!! ;___; i think i would frfr dissolve if a got a Ruth-Certified hug, things have been so overwhelming lately

💙 you are my closest friend

the feeling is mutual!! <3 we don’t always get to talk often, but fhdhshg when we do we talk about like All of the Madness in Sarah’s Mind^tm, and you are so patient + tolerant of my incoherent ramblings which is something i don’t think i’ve ever fully experienced? anyhow, after a year (more than a year?) of having these kinds of convos and going through the general madness of life together, I totally agree ;w;

💘 I love you so much

i love you too!!! so so much!!! 💃🕺 i don’t think words will ever be able to express how much i love and appreciate you! 💜💛

🍀 i’m lucky to have met you

i know we talk about this often, but seriously i feel the same way! it’s a little crazy that we met, technically, because Joseph Joestar tm deserved more than to be a cheater... there is something hilarious about this wild friendship rooting from him!! of all jojos!! 🤢 but i’m so grateful that we met, it’s been such a wonderful ride ;w; <3

😇 you’re a sweet cinnamon bun

🥺🥺🥺🥺 bro i- fhdhghdhgh thank you!!! ;o;

👍 you are fun to be around

ahhh, thank you!!! i am glad you feel this way bc whoo boy, i think some other people would look at the madness i tell you about and go 👁️👁️ that’s a no for me, luvs. remember last year when i was losing it tryna prepare for ren faire + i cut my palm on that one glass bottle? bc a- i barely do and b- i feel like that moment encapsulates the nicki minaj roman holiday-ness of my life XD i’m really grateful you’ve stuck around through it all 🤗💕💖

now buckle in bro!!!! the essays are incoming!!!

5. Name a movie that makes you genuinely laugh.

i swear on my life the Mortal Kombat movie from 1995 is a national treasure, it is SUCH a solid movie and has so many funny moments. Robin Shou makes such a 🥺🥺 Liu Kang, and jesus fuck he can be so savage when the script calls for it!! there’s one part where he takes Johnny Cage’s luggage and straight up fucking chucks it into the ocean + then bullies him about it later! honestly the Ballad of Johnny Cage and His Luggage is one of my favorite parts from the movie <3 if you haven’t seen it + you like cheesy, old school movies, i really recommend it!!!

11. Describe the memory of the last time you felt true happiness.

So I can’t remember the last time I did, bc my memory is horrifically terrible + probably getting worse as time goes on?? but i will tell you about one of the more recent times I remember! :D There is one crucial expository note for this memory- my brother-in-law makes THE best chili in the entire world. my brother and I were trying to recreate it because it’s such a simple but delicious + filling meal- I think this was our first time trying to create it? and it was SO chaotic, the tomato sauce and stuff kept popping and burning me and we weren’t 100% certain that we’d gathered the right ratios for the ingredients and it was just. madness lmao. Chance’s chili is one that you leave alone for multiple hours at a time (I think this is the case for all chili but i don’t cook often enough to know ;__;), and we were kinda 👀👀👀 because we weren’t sure it’d turn out right? But it did!!!! I vividly remember when it was finished and we taste-tested it + went oOOH FUCK! it wasn’t quite the same as chance’s but ohhh my god it was so good 🥰🥰🥰 but yeah!! we ate it all up and I think this was around the time I started my playthrough of Esteban for Dragon Age 2? which was one of my favorite playthroughs for the entire franchise... he’s just a simple ig beard model mage ;w; i wanted to show you what he looked like in this post but the formatting went wonky so ig i’ll just post him separately?? it’s 1000% in-character for him to infiltrate my jojo blog 😔

12. Name a song that makes you feel ethereal.

hm...I’d say it’s between Forget About or Feet of Clay! They’re both such light and tenderhearted songs, and when I listen to them I feel like I’m in an apartment kitchen slow-dancing with a love, and it’s so dark except for the slowly rising sun. I don’t know if that feeling could be described as ethereal? but it’s close enough for me

17. What is something you own that is important to you? What makes it so important?

I have a small collection of scripts from the shows I’ve been in, and two of the most important ones are from the plays my high school put on during my sophomore and junior years, The Nit-Wits and The Musical Comedy Murders of 1940, respectively! The Nit-Wits has a ton of sentimental value to me because it was the last show I genuinely acted in, and it was a show we had to pull together in 2 or 3 weeks!! We were originally going to do a murder mystery play for the fall, but none of the cast was feeling it and it just wasn’t going to come to life in time (honestly this speaks volumes for how much we weren’t vibing with it, because all of our shows came together at like.. the final dress rehearsals if not opening night lmao). I vividly remember we took a vote during rehearsals about whether or not to switch the show, and then we did and it was SO fun + chaotic!! My character was one of the only regular characters in the show, but I think everyone else had a lot of fun acting as actors who were hired to be maniacal, and that made acting off of them so fun! I remember there was also a night my friend Adonis almost tore the entire set down because he ran through a door and tripped over a set brace in his haste!! The Nit-Wits is hugely important because it was a really fresh acting experience for me, and again, my last time genuinely on the stage and not behind the scenes!

MCM is important to me because it was the first play I ever stage managed! I’d stage managed our musical the spring prior, but that was a huge undertaking and involved many different people and moving parts. Stage managing a play, at least at my high school, was a calmer and more intimate experience, and one I really enjoyed! Another huge reason I treasure MCM’s script is because it is one of the last shows I had with my friend I told you about- he was a senior. I have little notes and doodles from the cast and crew scattered throughout my book for this show, and I remember being so irritated by this because it meant I was losing space for stage directions, cues, and notes. Now, I’m super grateful to have these scribbles- it’s one of the only things I have left of him.

On that note, relating to him, MCM is also the show which birthed my most horrific theater horror story!! During one of the performances, I guess he forgot his line?? idk. But he ended up jumping six pages ahead of where the current scene was (I knew this bc I was following along in my book backstage + was frantically trying to figure out where he’d gone), which threw the entire cast, who were all tragically onstage, way off-track. This resulted in the most frightening game of script ping-pong I’ve ever seen: he’d skipped six pages ahead, so Adonis ended up saying a line from two pages after the six-page skip, and somehow someone else went!! oh I have a response to that line! And then said something like 9 pages back! I think the lead actress tried to ground everyone back to the lines they were supposed to be saying, but she ended up just saying a lot of their lines? And one of those lines that was supposed to be said by someone else was supposed to cue a black-out that someone got murdered in, but my lighting techie was SO fucking lost (we were both huddled over the script next to the breaker trying to figure out WHERE the hell we were! i think i had a flashlight in my mouth so I could flip through the book with both hands and thus faster??), so ofc the lights stayed up! I remember getting through this scene being the most painstaking endeavor of my entire life, but thankfully intermission was right after it! We actually extended intermission because the cast needed a hot second to fuckign RESET for Act 2 bc sweet jesus that was so bizarre...Needless to say, after that show we never messed that scene up again + everyone who acted in the show became super anal about knowing their lines as the years went on. The Six Page Skip became a legendary part of our hs theater Canon (like biblical canon ;w; although I don’t think anyone’s talked about it since my class graduated) alongside the times one of our ensemble dudes had to break through the roof of the girl’s dressing room to retrieve the keys to the theater + i got stuck on stage!

20. What’s the sweetest thing someone has done for you?

I really had to wrack my brain to answer this one, as I’m generally not the person people do things for, you know? This answer goes wayyy back, to 8th grade :O but so! there is mild exposition for this- when I started middle school, I lived in North Carolina, but we moved to Florida right before 7th grade bc my grandma is ill. We lived with my uncle while we were looking for a house, so I went to the local middle school bc why wouldn’t I? but in November, we finally found a house + my mom was like....So... are you going to switch schools or...I’d struck up some really solid friendships in this time, so i was like Mom I’d Rather Die OAO. So, we struck up a deal that I’d get to stay at that school on a zone waiver + that she’d drive me to school everyday. Sometime closer to the end of eighth grade she was like, yeah so.. I can’t do this for high school, it’s too much gas- which was valid! I was really sad about it, but I sucked it up.

Anyhow, fast forward to the last day of eighth grade, which was perhaps the saddest day I’d lived up until that point, mostly bc I knew I was probably never going to see all my friends again. My best friend, who I was like hardcore v close to + the person I shared all my wacky AUs and OC’s and headcanons with, was waiting with me for my mom to come pick me up, and then!!! When my mom pulled into the school she suddenly whipped out this lengthy letter she’d written to me about how much she enjoyed my friendship and how grateful she was that we were able to have lunch together (lunch was.. tragically ;__; the only time we really saw each other that year), and that she would never forget me! And she’d drawn me a ton of fanart from all the things I was obsessed with back then!! it was so much so fast, but then my mom was yelling at me to get in the car and I had to go :(

We kept in touch through email freshman year + fake-dated bc a senior was stalking me? ;J; and then we went to Megacon together! but I became really heavily involved in choir and theater after that, and we just kind of drifted apart :( we do follow each other on ig tho! It’s insane to think about her and that letter because on GOD ruth, that was a thinly veiled love letter and I never like... wrote her anything back that was as worthy as what she wrote me. But, she’s doing really well in uni now, so I guess it’s all okay? idk! ; o ;

23. What’s your zodiac sign? Do you think you fit the general characteristics of that sign?

I’m a Cancer!! and also a metal dragon by the Chinese Zodiac, which I’ve always thought was pretty sick! :3 I am 10000% your stereotypical Cancer, super emotional and introspective + often prone to tears ;u; My mom always said that dragons are steadfast and loyal people, and I think this also applies to me, to a fault. I checked around some websites to see what characteristics were often applied to metal dragons specifically, and it seems they are pretty strong-willed, ambitious, and generous? I don’t know if you could call me strong-willed or ambitious, but it’s all good ig.

25. What’s a song that gives off good vibes anytime you listen to it?

Ohh man, I went in on this question for Shannon, but bc I was digging around my library for Jules, I actually found an old fave! This song is from one of my all-time favorite musicals, Once on This Island- it’s The Human Heart! This song is so sweet, and god between the writing for the orchestra + the writing for the ensemble, this song is a straight masterpiece <3 I love love love the line, “Through your love you’ll live forever”, and although I am Hardcore Terrified of getting a tattoo, I really want that line tattooed on my body. if you have time, I recommend giving Once on This Island a listen!! I’ve never heard a show that uses its instruments and singers the way OoTI does (and holy FUCK it is so breathtaking live!!! I got to see it on Broadway and bro.... 🥺🥺 it was transcendental..)

#me when i talk to jules- floods her w a wall of songs #me when i talk to ruth- floods her with a wall of incomprehensible thoughts #the lov is stored in the walls of text! ; O ;#thank you again ruth!!!! this was really fun to write out and i may have cried while writing a few bits but it's fiiiine #i loved writing this 🥰#long post #like INCREDIBLY long post!!!!#sriracha ask game #fullmetal-the-last-alchemist

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jadondonsancho · 5 years

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heyyooo love your writing keep it up💖 idk who to request for so maybe an "anyone you'd like" one where they bump into each other at a wedding after being broken up for months with no contact

Thanks bb ❤️ this ended up wayyy longer than intended lol but I hope you enjoy!

Lots of love xxx

You couldn’t lie you didn’t really want to go to the wedding. You knew he’d be there, it was his friends wedding after all. You’d only been invited because you two were dating but after news spread of your relationship ending, the bride had sent you a text to let you know you were still welcome to come.

You weren’t planning on it, but one of your friends thought it would be a good idea. “Babe, you’ve made so much progress these last few months. You can stop hiding from him now”, she had urged “it’ll be good for you, treat yourself to a new dress and show him what he’s missing”

And now that you were here, in your new dress, you couldn’t help but think it was a bad idea. You felt so out of place, back in his world but this time without him.

You spotted him pretty early on, he was sitting a few rows ahead of you, thankfully your seats had been moved from being next to each other. That would have been too much to bear. And thankfully he came alone. Something else you weren’t prepared for. The wedding ceremony passed by quickly, probably because your mind was occupied, you couldn’t wait until the reception so you could get some alcohol in your system. That way this would be more bearable.

He hadn’t said a word to you all night, the closest was some awkward eye contact from across the room when you had first sat down to eat. You didn’t really know anyone there, you were seated at the singles table further emphasis on how alone you felt and most of the conversations you’d had were with former friends, most of them about how you were doing. You wondered if he had been having the same conversations although from what you’d heard, he had been moving on just fine. Several times at that. You felt bitter, it had been such a process to get over him, avoiding him at all costs. You had even stopped watching his games. Part of you considered moving, your relationship with him so wrapped up in the city that everywhere you went you were reminded of date nights and special moments. The billboard of him outside the stadium didn’t really help much either.

The reception was fun, you wished you could actually enjoy it but all you could think about was him. You kept finding yourself scanning the crowd to keep track of where he was. What you didn’t know was that he was doing the same...

He took the break up harder than he’d expected. He found himself drinking more, playing worse and spending way to much time in strangers beds trying to forget you and it had almost worked, not actually seeing you for 6 months had tricked him into thinking he was over it. That was until he saw you standing there, looking so perfect in that dress that it felt like he was right back to the first night he saw you, falling in love all over again. He wanted so badly to talk to you, even if just to find out how you were doing. He wanted so badly to hug you but he couldn’t find the courage. He knew you’d probably heard all about how much “fun” he was having getting over you that the guilt kept him away. But god he felt like a dick, you clearly came alone and he knew these people weren’t really your friends, most of all he could tell that you were only staying this long out of courtesy.

Something came over him and despite it all he found himself walking over to your table at the end of the room. It was the singles table which he’s not going to lie, made him feel relieved. He had been wondering for months if you’d found someone new and not that he was sure you hadn’t but he took it as a good sign. You were politely making conversation with a middle aged woman who was sitting across from you, you looked like you wanted to the conversation to end and he laughed to himself at how awkward you looked. As he approached your eyes lifted to his then back to the middle aged woman before finally doing a double take back to his. He smiled, that sort of polite awkward smile you do when you walk past people on the street. One used for strangers but you definitely weren’t a stranger.

You excused yourself from the conversation and stood up, an awkward hug later and he had invited you to take a walk with him outside, “I need some air, you wanna join?”, you didn’t really, you couldn’t think of anything nice you wanted to say to him to be honest. The only things coming to mind were snarky comments about how easily he had moved on.

“So how have you been? It’s been what? Like 6 months?”, he said as soon as you’d stepped outside. “Yeah something like that”, you replied “I’ve been uhm good I guess, working as per usual”, you smiled. “You? How’s the season going? I haven’t really been able to watch much”, he’s not sure why but something about that hurt. He guessed he’d just assumed you were always watching. “Nah it’s going good, it’s been tough but I’m happy with the results we’ve had”, you smiled in reply and he smiled right back. His dimples on full display, something that used to bring you so much joy now just sadness at the idea that you don’t get to see them everyday.

Silence fell over the two of you. Both your minds running a mile a minute at all the things left unsaid.

"I miss you", he blurted out taking you both by suprise. The words sounded so good and you hadn't realized how much you'd wanted to go hear them until they were said but your heart was guarded so instead of telling him that you missed him too you said, "please...please just don't say that unless you mean it. I don't feel like getting played again", you sighed, "it's been hell getting over you, you know that right? and I don't want to go through that again"

He looked at you, he didn't know that it had been hell for you too but suddenly he was unable to even remember why you'd broken up in the first place. "it's been hell for me too" he replied.

"what?" you weren't sure what you were expecting him to say but it definitely wasn't that.

"I said it's been hell for me too", he reiterated.

"yeah sounds like it, waking up in a new bed everyday must be exhausting", you scoffed. You didn't really know why you were so angry, you'd broken up with home after all, it's not like he'd cheated but realistically if you are sleeping with that many people how much can you be struggling?

"I take it you've heard then?", he sighed.

"this is a small city, people talk"

"fair enough, I deserved that. For what its worth I was only doing it to make myself feel better but it just made me feel worse because, well, because I guess...none of them were you", his eyes were trained to the floor. You stopped walking and so did he. He looked up at you, you were trying to process his words when he started to lean in. You couldn't stop yourself from leaning in too. The kiss was soft and short but it said more than words could.

"for what it's worth, I missed you too", was all you could say in response. He smiled at that, and you smiled back. For the first time in months, it was a genuine one.

#football blurbs #football imagines #football imagine #Trent Alexander Arnold imagine #harry winks imagine #dele imagine #ben chilwell imagine #Jesse lingard imagine #marcus rashford imagine #James Maddison imagine #Jadon sancho imagine

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allimariexf · 5 years

Text

(Arrow 7x15 thoughts) Olicity: the team within the team (always)

I wanna apologize because MY BODY CANNOT HOLD ALL THESE EMOTIONS and I’m a mess so I”m sorry for whatever happens here

SO. MUCH. OLICITY. I had forgotten it could be like this. WHY did they withhold for so much of the season and then give us so much Olicity in a single ep? (never mind don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, right?)

“I want this partnership to be done right and to be legitimate from the beginning for our baby.” OUR BABY. and then HIS FACE!!! He’s trying to be all serious but he cannot stop that smile of happiness that’s taking over his face because he is so happy omggggg!!!!!!

subtle harp-like Olicity theme in the background is almost literally MY HEARTSTRINGS BEING PLAYED

OH GOD THEY BRING IN “BELIEF” AND I AM DEAD HOW DARE THEY: “If you believe that this is what’s best for the city and what is ultimately best for our family, then I agree. Because we’re a team too.” and then: “Always.”

HOW DARE THEY HOW DARE HOW DARE HOW DARE THEY

CALL BACK TO EVERYTHING THEY HAVE EVER SAID TO EACH OTHER ABOUT BELIEVING IN EACH OTHER

AND ABOUT THEIR PARTNERSHIP

AND “ALWAYS”

the way she walks toward him and takes him by the lapels 😭 such a Felicity move

HIS FACE WHEN SHE DOES IT 😍 ohhhhh I have missed Oliver’s heart eyes and those are HEART EYES IN FULL FORCE

but most of all THE WAY HE IS GAZING AT HER WHEN HE SAYS “ALWAYS,” and HIS VOICE HOLY SHIT that’s a different voice from anything we’ve ever heard

(now if only he had hair and if only he would take off that DAMN COAT like that coat is like a third wheel at this point geez it’s honestly like a built in cockblock, in fact maybe he wears it all the time because otherwise they’d never stop getting it on? Hmm new headcanon maybe 🤔)

ughhhhhh and then the kiss after the “always” MY HEART I AM DEAD

“...that we don’t tell anybody about what’s happening in here”

UM Felicity is adorable here okay??? “in here” omggg

and more importantly OLIVER CLEARLY THINKS SO TOO 😍😍😍 his eyes and smile OH GOD

and then the second kiss!!! like

I love the adorable married going-in-for-multiple-kisses thing and

the way she smiles going into that second kiss and then

they just LINGER THERE like Olicity really knows how to LINGER like the 3x01 first kiss and the 3x20 goodbye kiss and now we have this, the 7x15 “better future” kiss and they just LINGER with their lips together on that thought and she breathes him in and IT’S JUST SO BEAUTIFUL someone needs to come put me back together please 😭

I am destroyed and resurrected (repeatedly) under the cut...

“...so about that tartine...”

HOW ADORABLE IS IT the way his face shifts into that smile and you just know that he has been doting on her SO MUCH and he LOVES IT HE LOVES COOKING FOR HIS WIFE AND BABY like honestly YOU KNOW IT’S HIS #1 PLEASURE IN LIFE NOW NO CONTEST

“Have I told you lately how smart you are?”

OKAY first off having Oliver actually talk to Felicity about Arrow stuff??? FUCKING FINALLY OKAY. This is the dynamic Olicity was BUILT ON and MY SOUL HAS BEEN PARCHED FOR IT. Felicity is Oliver’s #1 partner. BLESS THIS EPISODE FOR REMEMBERING THAT. FOR SHOW US THEIR PARTNERSHIP, which honestly the entire SHOW is built on.

okay and HIS FACE before he says the thing, when he’s just thinking to himself about how smart she is and how much he admires and respects her and needs her as his partner?????? It’s the perfect Olicity mix of LOVE, ADMIRATION, and RESPECT??? THAT IS WHY I LOVE OLICITY. RIGHT THERE.

and then the way he GAZES AT HER WITH PERFECT HEART EYES after she says she “never gets tired of hearing it” because HE IS SO SMITTEN WITH HIS WIFE/PARTNER/LOVE OF HIS LIFE 😍😍😍

UGH and then his reaction to “I want mint chip” like THEY ARE SO IN SYNC he gets her 100% completely he understands and he’s 100% there for her and UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH someone stick a fork in me

because it’s THE PERFECT TRANSITION from Team Arrow to Olicity, just a seamless blend of the work and the relationship because BOTH is who they are I don’t think I will ever be over that moment ughhhhhh

“You guys go ahead, I ate something that’s not gonna mix well with alcohol.”

UM OKAY callback to the 3x01 first date or coincidence? (“The alcohol is not going to mix well with the 3 Benzos I took”) I think I’m gonna go with DELIBERATE CALLBACK.

THE WINKING OMG. LITERALLY THE CUTEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN? MAYBE.

also Oliver looks SUPER hot in that moment, whooooboy. THAT LOOK IS 🔥🔥🔥

“I think you look exactly the same.”

EXCUSE ME BUT am I the only one who is reading wayyy into this just like, the way he says it, her smile?? It’s like a reminder of all they’ve been through together, how much they’ve grown and changed (and also yes hello callback to the season 7 Felicity arc) and yet she is still Felicity, they are still Oliver and Felicity, and like...........?????? EXCUSE ME AGAIN 😭😭😭

and then he sits down on the bed and they’re just talking on their bed like THANK YOU I NEEDED THIS IN MY SOUL

“I may have thought of a name for a girl...Mia.”

Letting us see him looking into her eyes, a little uncertain, being vulnerable with her...I AM ALIVE!

Because he knows she’s going to pick up on the fact that it’s in honor of his mother

AND MOIRA!!! JUST

we know how important she was to Oliver, but also how complicated, how it ties in with his confused feelings for his family and his legacy, but also his deep love for his family and just how important family is to him, but it also involves this awareness of how Moira figured into Oliver and Felicity’s history, how without her having done what she did they never would have met, and his awareness and resulting hesitation because he knows Felicity didn’t get along with Moira, and THEN AND THEN her acceptance ( “I love it” ) just confirms THIS ONE ESSENTIAL FACT ABOUT OLIVER and about ARROW ITSELF: that no one is perfect, we all have our faults, but there’s love anyway: “Family is precious, and that it’s LOVE, IN SPITE OF EVERYTHING, THAT MAKES IT PRECIOUS.” 😭😭😭😭 I AM DEAD AGAIN because it’s everything y’all I don’t even have words right now

and his smiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiile 😭😭😭

“Regardless of whether we have a boy or a girl, I just want to make sure that she or he ends up growing up in a better and safer Star City than I did.” / “Yeah.” / “I want that for both of our children. They’ll always have each other to lean on.” “And they’ll always have us.”

THEY ARE HOLDING HANDS FOR THIS ENTIRE CONVERSATION

and she strokes his face

and HE HOLDS HER GAZE FOR SO LONG after he says “both of our children” what are these teeeears!?!? 😭

(and we’re going to ignore the clearly ominous overtones because fuck that)

look at them just staring into each other’s eyes holding hands A FAMILY 💗💗💗💗💗💗

The BUNKER

OLICITY IN THE BUNKER ALONE TOGETHER BECAUSE THEY ARE THE TEAM WITHIN THE TEAM, THE BEATING HEART OF TEAM ARROW

AND THEN JOHN JOINS THEM to complete OTA, the core, the TRUE, perfect, COMPLETE Team Arrow and it is perfect!

and then when Dinah and Rene show up, Oliver says: “We found a lead. Well, Felicity found a lead.” THANK YOU THANK YOU WRITERS THANK YOU I will always be grateful for every acknowledgement that Felicity is essential to Team Arrow - essential - and having it come from Oliver’s mouth is OF COURSE The Best.

OTA: FUCK. YES. “So what don’t I know about?” / “We’re having a baby.”

OLIVER’S FACE when he wants to tell John about the baby!! HE CANNOT KEEP THAT SMILE OFF HIS FACE 💗 it’s possible my life is complete UGH HE IS SO HAPPY HE CANNOT CONTAIN IT 😭

And when she says “we’re having a baby” HIS FACE actually BOTH OF THEIR FACES y’all I AM ALIVE the way they are both standing their TRYING TO CONTAIN THEIR HAPPINESS????

and they both say “Yeah” and their EYES??? 😍

but like @it-was-a-red-heeler said he’s making the 3x01 face and OH GOD WHAT A PERFECT COMPLETE CIRCLE 😭😭😭

JUST LOOK AT THEM STANDING THERE TELLING THEIR BEST FRIEND THAT THEY ARE HAVING A BABY

John, who said, “And when you meet the right person, you'll be ready for her,” who said “I think our Miss Smoak is smitten,” who said “I think you didn’t have a problem with Felicity’s performance until she met Barry Allen,” who said “not like us” regarding Oliver’s inability to express his emotions, who said “I know it must be difficult for you, seeing them together,” who said “Why don’t I, uh, give you two a second?,” who said “Maybe Felicity will change all that” and “you love her, you even told her so,” who said “You need her to be anyplace where Ray Palmer isn’t” and “You’re in the field without your head on straight” and “If that were true, you’d be with her, man” and “This thing with you and Palmer is messing with his head” and “You gotta tell her how you feel before it’s too late,” and (skipping way ahead), “I’m not the one she was going to marry,” and “I’m the guy who’s been trying to keep you two together,” so like EXCUSE ME BUT 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 OKAY?

Delicity: “Morning sickness or not, Felicity, you have not missed a beat. You were absolutely amazing out there, your tech was phenomenal.”

It’s a little clunky but if this is the final ironing out of all their issues, I’ll accept it. (I’m easy.)

I AM HERE FOR ALL THE ADMIRATION AND RESPECT FOR FELICITY SMOAK (in her hero/genius/badass capacity).

I ESPECIALLY AM HERE FOR the acknowledgement that she can be both a pregnant woman and a hero/badass/vigilante. (And I am going to take that as assurance that they WILL NOT FORGET THIS FACT.)

also blahblahblah foreshadowing.

Overwatch/ Team Arrow

first off: OVERWATCH!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK. YES. My show is back.

second of all: Every time Oliver touches his comm and says “Overwatch” it’s like a virtual orgasm and we were coming all.night.long. friends 😂 I mean there were like 4 times, right?? OH GOD YESSSSSSSSS

but I am SO SERIOUS: Team in the field and Overwatch on the comms IS ARROW and I have missed it soooooo much and now I LIVE!

and yes the SCPD scenes were all freaking HILARIOUS especially Felicity’s reaction to the tech + her “loopholes” + Oliver and Felicity doing a side mission on their own 😍😍😍 (we will not comment on the ridiculousness of the random boiling hydrochloric acid nor the fact that they clearly would have known that evidence gathered in such a manner would be inadmissible)

meanwhile I loved Felicity’s line in the Master Chef scene: “This partnership’s not going to work if she forgets who she’s hired.” PERFECTION. HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD. EXACTLY. THANK YOU.

Other stuff

Am I the only one getting excited because it feels like only a matter of time before we completely shed NTA? They just feel sooo unnecessary at this point (I mean they always did but now they just seem like even an inconvenience to the writers)

I truly COULD. NOT. CARE. LESS. about Dinah’s storyline. Like, I’m sorry. I like Juliana. But they’ve never made me love Dinah, as much as I wanted to, and then after s6 honestly she is the member of NTA that I disliked the most, and I have always fucking hated that stupid Canary Cry (again, I much preferred Sara as the Canary, how badass she was as a fighter and the Cry was just an added bonus, and it wasn’t nearly as ridiculous as it later became with Laurel and then Dinah. UGH. At least that’s gone.) The one thing I appreciated about this storyline was the conclusion that the Cry is not an essential part of the Canary. DUH.

Ben Turner’s kid as Connor Hawke: I called it like one minute before the reveal lol. I like it, though I kinda wanted more Ben Turner, and this makes me think he’s gonna die :(

Flash Forwards/William and Mia: yessssssss 💗💗💗

though I still think there’s more on that micro-cassette. The missed messages from Oliver and Felicity. More clues from future Felicity. Meanwhile hearing Felicity’s message to her children just DESTROYS 😭😭😭😭😭

THE PROMO OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD I AM NOT READY

Um I think that’s all the freakout I can fit in one post. I’m a mess. Someone needs to pick my pieces up off the floor and put me together again, please.

#arrow #arrow meta #arrow 7x15 #arrow thoughts #olicity #olicity meta #arrow season 7 thoughts #my meta #arrow 7x15 thoughts #HOW CAN I LIVE #MY EMOTIONS #top posts #selected favorite posts #selected favorites

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melodiouswhite · 5 years

Text

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde rewritten Ch. 11

11. Revelation When he opened the door to the sick room, Edward Hyde was sitting upright on his hospital cot, dressed in a night gown that was too big for him and supported by a mountain of pillows, looking a bit tired and waiting for him. “Good morning, Mr. Hyde”, he greeted him politely. Hyde smiled and replied: “Well, if it isn't my saviour! Good morning, Mr. Utterson!” I see, his smile has not grown any more pleasant just yet … okay, maybe a bit. At least for now. Must be, because he's tired. But the lawyer pushed these thoughts back and nonchalantly asked: “How are you feeling?”

Hyde shrugged lightly. “Eh, you know … shot.” His sense of humour definitely hasn't. “I reckon you do”, Utterson remarked drily. “But I guess, as long as you can make macabre jokes about the wound that almost cost you your life, you're not on the verge of death just yet.” Hyde snickered a little: “No, I suppose not.” “That man who shot you … did you recognise him? Could there be anyone, who holds a grudge against you?” Hyde raised an eyebrow in amusement and pointed out: “Mr. Utterson, I'm a terrible being. There are countless people who hold a grudge against me.” Good point. And oh, he's self-aware! Wait … why did he say 'being' instead of 'man' or 'person'? “… But to answer your question – Mr. Utterson, are you listening?!” “Ah! Sorry, please continue”, the lawyer apologised. The younger man rolled his eyes and continued: “But to answer your question, no, I have no idea who that was. Nor do I know why he did it. Usually, when someone assaults me, they tell me what their problem is.” “You get assaulted a lot?!” Hyde waved it off with a nonchalant laugh. “Wayyy too much! Either out of jealousy, revenge or simply because they don't like my face. Usually it blows up in theirs, but this was the first time someone pulled a gun on me.” He stopped laughing and his expression became so murderous that, for a moment, Utterson was seized by an irrational fear for his own life. “And I swear, once I get my hands on that cowardly bastard, he will go through a bloody world of hurt, I will–” “Do you really think he's worth being sentenced for murder?”, the lawyer asked him calmly. Thankfully that snapped the younger man out of his bloodlust. He took a deep breath and said calmly: “You're right. My apologies. Anyway, if I had met that bloke before, I would have recognised him, even in the dark of the night. But it was completely foreign to me.” “What happened exactly? I heard two voices and then the gunshot.” Hyde hesitated. For the first time he seemed insecure. “I … I don't remember … it's all a blur. I only recall … I … bumped into him … I don't even remember what he said … then he pulled that revolver on me – it went so fast, I hardly saw it! And … and …” The memory caused Hyde to hyperventilate and almost lapse into a panic attack, but the older man grabbed him and rubbed his arms soothingly, before it could get this far. “Calm down, Mr. Hyde. Take deep and slow breaths, everything is fine. You're safe here.” After a while his breathing slowed and he closed his eyes. “It was too dark to make out much of him”, Hyde mumbled quietly. “But I remember the frame and the voice. That was definitely a man.” Utterson enquired: “Can you describe him to me?” “A bit taller and bulkier than you. Two, three inches, maybe. Broad shoulders and short, wild hair, perhaps red or something of that shade, I'm not sure. Was wearing a long coat in a light colour, but no hat. A relatively deep voice.” “Thank you”, the lawyer said, “That was helpful information, considering how dark it was.” The other hummed in acknowledgement. “I'm still going to make him suffer”, Hyde muttered after a while. “That bullet wound hurts like …” “You better think about that, before you try to kill someone ever again”, Utterson interrupted him sharply. Bilious green eyes opened and blinked in confusion. “What?” “Now you know first hand what mortal fear feels like, what it is like when someone tries to kill you for no reason. Keep that in mind next time you lash out at someone for no reason. Because that's what Sir Carew felt like, when you almost beat him to death. He may have forgiven you, but he will be scarred and crippled by the experience for the rest of his life. I hope you understand that now.” He hadn't meant to be harsh, but for some reason his anger at the entire situation leaked into these few sentences. Hyde's eyes grew huge and he looked at the older man with a mixture of wonder and disbelief, very much like a child marvelling at something new. Then he threw his head back and laughed heartily. Utterson felt his left eye twitch. What the hell is so funny?! “You're a really interesting man, Mr. Utterson! So full of surprises!”, Hyde snickered. “No one has ever spoken to me like that before!” “Well, I suppose that I have the honour of being the first, then”, was the lawyer's dry comment. “Indeed”, the other replied with a strangely bitter smile. “Not even Jekyll has ever talked to me like that. Usually he just curses me and blames me for everything that goes wrong in his life.” Oh. That must be frustrating. So much for my suspicions. I can't decide, if I'm relieved or even more worried than before. “Alright”, Utterson sighed, “I'm sick of all this secrecy. I want real answers now. What is your relationship with Dr. Jekyll really?” The young man looked at him calmly. “Not what you think it is. However, you will neither like, nor believe my answer.” “Try me”, the lawyer challenged. Hyde's tone became uncharacteristically serious. “I will show you something, then. But I must warn you: it will be a terrifying and diabolic experience. Dr. Lanyon has beheld it himself, even though I warned him against it. His shock did not come from nowhere.” That sounds a lot like what Lanyon said. But still … I need to know. “I take that risk”, he decided. Hyde smirked and a hint of the familiar devilish glint returned to his shrill green eyes. “Well then, if you would give me that vial with the green liquid? I can't reach it and it's too painful to stretch.” Utterson took a look at said liquid, before giving it to Hyde. It bubbled strangely and was of the same venomous green as Hyde's eyes were. Then he handed it to the younger man, who took it with the same evil grin he usually wore. “You know, if I hadn't given my word to Lady Summers and if you hadn't saved my life, I'd never show you this. It's both mine and Jekyll's darkest secret”, he informed the older. “I feel privileged”, the lawyer retorted drily, while he mentally prepared for the worst. What is that chemical anyway? It can't be poison, if he's going to drink it himself. And what does he mean, it's his and Henry's darkest secret? Hyde downed the liquid in one gulp. Only a few second later his face twisted into a mask of pain, he dropped the vial, it shattered on the floor and he started to wind and scream in agony. Utterson jumped out of his chair and wanted to get help, but Hyde leapt forward and caught his wrist in a painfully tight grip, which resulted in a scream, that was probably more thanks to the wound than whatever he was going through. “Look … look!”, Hyde gasped, then broke into more screams and convulsions, as if he was having an epileptic seizure. But despite Hyde's warnings and mentally bracing himself for the worst, nothing could have prepared the lawyer for what came next. A change began in the younger man. His face became suddenly black and the features seemed to melt and alter. His limbs grew longer, his entire small and skinny frame became larger, his chalk white skin was replaced by skin that was a bit darker and rosier. The dark rims around Hyde's eyes vanished, wrinkles appeared here and there, the bone structure changed, his shoulder-long dark brown hair receded and turned blond. When the screams and convulsions finally subsided, the lawyer was looking in horror at the shape lying before him, gasping for breath, feeling around and blinking insecurely. It was so entirely unexpected, yet so very, oh so painfully familiar. “H-Henry?!”, he whispered. When Jekyll opened his eyes, at first everything was a blur, as usual. But then he heard a small voice whisper his name and turned to see his best friend stand next to the bed he was laying on. Utterson's blue eyes were wide with horror and disbelief. No … no, no, no, no! His eyes widened and he stretched out a hand. But upon that, his old friend's face darkened and he stood up. “Gabe …”, Jekyll begged, but the black-haired man had already stormed out of the room. Suddenly a new pain filled the doctor, coming from his heart. No … I can't lose him, I can't! Jekyll ignored the agonizing pain and slowly stood up. But he only managed a few steps, before his legs gave away and he fell onto his knees. Was it the dizziness that blurred his sight, or was that tears? “Gabriel!”, he wailed, but he knew it was too late. His dear friend wouldn't hear him, he wouldn't come back. It was over. He had lost him forever. Just like Lanyon. He was all alone now. “No … no …” The tears spilled, sobs escaped from his mouth and he began to cry shamelessly. He cried for the loss of his friend, for his own regrets, for what had become of Lanyon and what now might become of Utterson and, of course, he also cried because of the infernal pain from the gunshot wound in his guts. “Oh Jekyll~” He shuddered at the sound of the raspy voice in his head he had grown oh so familiar with. Then he could feel the devilish presence of Hyde surround him, while his evil half continued to whisper into his ears. “Oh my poor doctor. Look at how they all leave you. In the end, your beloved lawyer is no different from all the others, is he?” Jekyll shivered and his throat constricted, as he felt cold, ghostly hands caress his neck and shoulder. “How could you …”, he croaked, “He was never supposed to …” “Oh, but Jekyll! I just stuck to the deal I made with the Lady! That I made to save us both, may I add! She kept her part of it, so keeping ours was only fair. And obviously you wouldn't have. But guess what? I do not want to find out what that little witch does to deal breakers, and unlike you, I am a man of my word! Don't forget, we'd both be dead without her! And speaking of which – your dear friend saved our life last night, even though he hates me. The least he deserves is the truth, don't you agree? Not that it matters. He'll surely hate you now”, Hyde stated gleefully. The doctor was too tired, too broken, too much in pain to fight Hyde's influence, and had the other not been so severely weakened himself, he would have taken over their body already. He felt so dead on the inside, so dizzy and cold. Without Utterson, his life seemed to have lost its last bit of sense and worth. It was all too much and any moment he would– Suddenly he was snapped out of his daze, when two hands gripped his own and pried them away from his face. When he looked up with teary eyes, he recognised the blurry shape of – Can … can this be?! “Oh!”, Hyde's voice called out in surprise and his ghostly presence vanished. “And just what do you think you're doing out of bed?”, Utterson growled. “G-Gabe?!” “Who else?! You didn't seriously think that I would just run off after seeing that, did you?!” Now, that his sight cleared, he could see his friend clearly and noticed two figures standing behind him: Lady Summers in her black mourning dress and Lanyon in a blue morning coat, frowning down on the scene. The lawyer sighed: “Now back into bed with you, you idiot. How has that wound not reopened from all the moving around?” It was only now that Jekyll noticed something. “I … I can't get up”, he mumbled awkwardly. Lady Summers spoke up: “You should have thought of that, before you tried to run after your friend. He wasn't running away, he was just getting me, because he was worried. Also”, she turned to Lanyon, “Why are you here? You too are supposed to be in bed!” “I was just worried!”, Lanyon protested, “And …” “Papperlapapp!* No excuses! You lie down over there. Both of you stay in bed now and if any of you attempts to get up without my permission, I will bloody chain you to those beds!”, she threatened. The look in her ice blue eyes gave away just how dead serious she was. Both doctors gulped and Lanyon hurried to lie down on the bed next to Jekyll's own. Awkwardly the latter turned to Utterson. “Uhm … can you help me please?” Then he yelped in pain and surprise, when the black-haired man, instead of just supporting him, scooped him up. “Careful!”, Lady Summers and Lanyon cried in unison. “I'm trying, alright!”, the lawyer snapped in agitation, carried Jekyll over to the bed bridal style and lay him on it as gently as possible. Jekyll felt his face grow hot with a scarlet blush and mentally cursed himself for being unable to hold it back. “Hyde was much lighter than you”, Utterson noted and tugged him in. “I reckon he was”, the doctor grumbled, trying to ignore the jealousy bubbling in his chest. And to top it all off, Hyde started to snicker in his head. “Oh yes, his arms were really comfortable!”, his alter ego cackled from the back of his conscience. Hyde, shut the hell up! “You're so mean to me!”, Hyde huffed, but fell silent. “Although, my back is still aching and I have cramps”, Utterson continued, “I'm getting too old for this.” “It was quite a sight, though”, Lanyon spoke up from the other bed, “You with that little demon in your arms, turning up at the Lady's door and crying for help.” Jekyll chortled; he couldn't help it. Lanyon grinned, either at his reaction or his own “funny” joke, the blond wasn't sure. “Good to know that you two find that so funny”, Utterson stated, “I certainly did not find it funny that someone got shot and almost died on me!” The other two fell into awkward silence. “And I also don't find it funny …”, the lawyer continued, dropping his emotionless facade, “… that my best friends have lied to me all this time! Hyde told me that you knew, is that true?”, he barked at Lanyon. The other silently looked away, avoiding his eyes. So did Jekyll. Utterson threw his hands up in exasperation. “Perfect! Just perfect! Everyone here knew, except for me! That Lady Summers didn't tell me is forgiveable, she practices professional discretion …” “I would have told you”, Lady Summers piped up from behind, “But I wanted him to tell you himself and I knew you wouldn't believe it, if I told you.” The black-haired man ignored her and went on: “But that my two oldest and best friends have lied to and kept secrets from me all along! That goes too far! Do you have the faintest idea, just how important that information is to me, not only as your friend, but also as a lawyer? When were you planning to tell me, huh? Oh wait, let me guess: never?” “Same reason as Lady Summers”, Lanyon defended himself, “Also, I still can hardly believe it myself.” Jekyll felt anger bubble in his stomach. Of course you can't, you dogmatic – “And you, Dr. Jekyll?! Why the hell did you withhold that vital information?! What's your bloody excuse?!” “What was I supposed to say?!”, Jekyll snapped angrily, “That Hyde and I are one and the same person?!” “YES!!!”, Utterson, Lanyon and Lady Summers snapped back in unison, startling him. He wanted to disappear and get away from the three pairs of eyes glaring at him; the sky blue eyes of Mr. Utterson, the ice blue ones of Lady Summers and the mismatched grey-blue and amber ones of Dr. Lanyon. All three of them looking at him reproachfully. He bit his lower lip. My life is over, they all know, my reputation is ruined, I can never show my face anywhere again, my friends hate me, a foreign young noblewoman has revealed my secret and – “Now you're just being dramatic, Dr. Jekyll!”, Lady Summers interrupted his process of thought rudely and turned to leave. “You three settle this among yourselves. I'm a busy woman and need to tend to my duties. See you, gentlemen.” As soon as the door closed behind her, Utterson turned back to his friends. “Right”, he sighed frustratedly and sat down on the chair between their beds. “I'm sick of the lies and the secrecy. Have been for months. I want an explanation and I want it now. Especially from you, Jekyll. If you ever were my friend, you will tell me everything, and I mean everything, about that thing with you and Hyde!” Oh no … Utterson drew a deep breath, before he spoke. “So … just to make sure I got everything right. You wanted to separate your evil side from yourself.” The blond doctor lying on the bed to his right nodded. “Yes.” “And you invented a potion … chemical … formula, whatever it is, to do that. And tested it on yourself.” “Yes.” “But it didn't exactly have the expected results.” “No. Instead, an alter ego was created, a personification of all of my sins, desires and vices.” “And you named him Edward Hyde. Gave him papers, clothes of his own – because yours obviously don't fit – that flat in Soho and a bank account.” “Yes.” “And you made him your heir, just in case he would overpower your soul.” “Yes.” “Then you trampled a little girl, almost murdered a man, got into a fight with a lady and did god knows what – and don't you dare say 'that wasn't me, that was Hyde!'. And shortly after assaulting Sir Carew you were taking a walk in the park, when you suddenly turned into Hyde without taking the potion.” “… Yes.” “And that's where Lanyon comes in?” Jekyll nodded and Utterson turned to Lanyon. “You received a letter signed with Jekyll's name, that was actually from Hyde?” “I did. But I couldn't tell – it was the exact same handwriting.” “Interesting. And you thought that Jekyll had lost his mind?” “Of course I did! That letter didn't allow any other conclusion! I mean, what sane person would ask an estranged friend to break into their house, rummage through their things and gather up a set of chemicals?!” “I was desperate!”, Jekyll hissed, “That tends to make people sound insane!” “But you still followed the instructions of the letter?”, Utterson asked Lanyon. “Yes. It sounded serious enough to arouse my concern.” “And a few hours after you had arrived at home with the chemicals, Hyde showed up?” “Yes. He was wearing Jekyll's clothing, it was way too big for him. It would have been funny, had the boy not been so hysterical. And he had this ominous aura, but I suppose that's nothing new to you.” “No, it isn't. And then you let him in and gave him the chemicals?” “Yes. We had a short discussion – he wouldn't tell me, who he was and in retrospect, I can't blame him. At that time he was still being searched for, after all. Anyway, Hyde mixed the formula and asked me, if I would allow him to take it home without an explanation or if I'd take the risk and make him show me what it was for. Of course, despite his warning, I picked the latter.” Lanyon smiled ruefully and looked up to the ceiling. “I should have listened to him. The memory of the transformation is a trauma I will never be able to forget. If it wasn't for Lady Summers, I would have died from the shock, but even so, I'm still suffering.” Utterson turned back to Jekyll: “And as soon as you were you again, you confessed everything to Lanyon and went home, just like that.” “Yes.” “And that's why Lanyon wanted nothing to do with you anymore …” “'Wants nothing to do with you anymore'”, Lanyon corrected and threw a glare at Jekyll. Utterson ignored the animosity between his two friends for now and ended: “And that's why you isolated yourself from everyone and refused to see even me.” “… Yes.” “And apparently even Hyde himself is angry at you for some reason. And if you say 'yes' one more time”, he added, when Jekyll opened his mouth, “I will forget my bedside manner!” He took another deep breath to calm himself down, but his anger wanted to reveal itself and he was in no mood to keep up his professional mask. “And you two – both of you – kept something like that from me. And here I thought I was your friend! Last time I checked, friends trust each other with their secrets! Am I not trustworthy enough?! Well, I'm sorry, that I'm apparently not good enough for you to trust me!” “Gabe, please–“ “Shut up, Jekyll! I'm too angry to hear any of your pathetic lies and excuses!” The blond doctor whimpered and shrunk under his glare, and in any other situation, Utterson would have felt guilty, but right now, he was feeling way too upset and angry to care. “Gabriel, calm down”, Lanyon began gently and touched his arm in a pacifying manner, but the black-haired man tore himself away. “Calm down? Calm down?! You two have lied to me for weeks – months in Jekyll's case – and you ask me to calm down?! I have been calm for way too long, it's enough! You know what, I ought to leave the room for a bit, before I say things I might regret later.” He stood up and rushed out of the room. If Jekyll's heart hadn't been in shards already, it definitely was now. He bit his lip and squeezed his eyes shut, but the sobs and tears found their way out anyway and soon resounded in the entire sick room – and to add insult to injury, Lanyon was still here and could hear him cry, which made the whole ordeal even more humiliating. He gasped, when suddenly a gentle hand began to caress his hair in a soothing manner. Its owner was sitting at the edge of his bed, stroking his head. “Shhh”, Lanyon whispered, when he wanted to question him, and dried his tears with a handkerchief. His grey-blue and amber eyes were full of sadness and disappointment. “You know”, he said sadly, “If you just had been honest about your feelings right from the start, all of this could have been avoided. If you just had told us the truth, we could – and would – have helped you, despite our differences. I thought you knew that. That's what friends are for, not just as a last resort, when you get into trouble. Remember that in the future.” The white-haired man stood up. “We'll continue this conversation later. I will go and talk to Utterson. You rest now.” At the door, Lanyon stopped and spoke to him one last time: “I'm not angry at you anymore, Jekyll. Nor do I hate you. Right now, I just pity you.” Then he left. For a few minutes Lady Summers had been furious. The client who'd been supposed to meet her had spontaneously cancelled his appointment, and she hated spontaneous cancellations. But as soon as her butler had announced Mr. Utterson, her fury had subsided and she had re-assumed her countenance as a therapist. Who cares about that twit anyway, Utterson is my priority now. When the lawyer stood in front of her, she didn't even need to read his mind – his face said it all. “Come”, she said and he immediately broke down in tears and cried into her lap. “That's right. Let it out”, she cooed, “Shhh …” After a few minutes of him crying relentlessly into her black dress, she noticed something and looked up. Wordlessly, she waved her new visitor over and he complied. “Mr. Utterson?”, she said softly and he looked up in tears. “I think, Dr. Lanyon wants to tell you something.” Before the black-haired man could say something or even notice his friend, someone crouched down next to him and took him into a tight embrace. “I'm sorry”, the other said regretfully, “We both are. We had no idea, what you were going through. We're sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you. But I was scared, confused and shocked and I couldn't handle any of it myself. That's why I gave you that confidential letter. I'm sorry, that I told you to read it only after I'm gone. When I wrote it, I thought I wouldn't live much longer anyway. As for Jekyll, I don't know what he was thinking, I can only speak for myself. But I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I failed you. And I know that Jekyll is sorry too.” Lady Summers watched Utterson slowly calm down and finally reciprocate his friend's hug. “It's fine”, he mumbled quietly, “And I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have lashed out like that.” “Hey now. It's not your fault, my old friend. No one blames you, so stop blaming yourself.” Dr. Lanyon let go and grinned at his friend. “I must say, I'm in awe. I haven't seen you this sentimental since … actually, I don't think I have ever seen you this sentimental!” “Guess not”, the lawyer replied and dried his face with a handkerchief. “I'm sorry. How unbecoming of me.” “Nonsense!”, Lady Summers finally spoke up. “You're human. Humans break down from time to time. I've seen politicians and hardened war veterans burst into tears right in front of me. There is nothing wrong with crying.” She turned to the doctor: “Sit down for a while. Since you're here, we will have a chat.” “Can't you allow me to get dressed first?” She threw him an icy glare. “No. Because as soon as we're done here, you will go back to bed. And no back talk. You're still sick and I will not allow you to exhaust yourself, before I'm positive that you're perfectly healthy. You take such good care of me, so it's only natural that I return the favour, Dr. Lanyon.” She held back a smile, when she saw him blush. Utterson lifted an eyebrow and recovered his professional mask. But his eyes gave away, that he was snickering on the inside. Alone, he chose not to say anything about what he was observing. Lanyon huffed: “So what were we talking about again?” Utterson's face darkened: “About how Jekyll has been lying to us for several months.” “Oh yes. Uhm, Gabriel, you seem … uh, disproportionately upset about it, especially by your standards.” “Well, how did you react, when you found out?” Lanyon shrugged: “Well, to be honest, I was less concerned about the lying thing, than about the fact that one of my oldest friends was a wanted criminal. So, I punched him in the face, gave him a talking-to and kicked him out of my house. I'm not angry at him anymore, just disappointed at his behaviour and attitude. But you seem much more hurt than I was. I understand that you're hurt, because he didn't tell you what the problem was, but try to see it from his point of view. Lady Summers, I think you know that better than I do.” Both men looked at her expectantly, so she sat up in her rocking chair and cleared her throat, then began to explain: “Well, when he made the chemical, he didn't know that it would work the way it did. And once Edward Hyde existed, he couldn't just tell everyone about it, because – well, they're one and the same person. Being able to assume the guise of Edward Hyde gives him so many freedoms he could never have as Dr. Jekyll. You see, he is so self-repressive and has so high expectations towards himself, that he denies himself everything he enjoys, even the smallest things. Problem is that the dry life of study he leads as Dr. Jekyll is not one he's cut out for. You know that, don't you? That he was rather wild in his youth?” She could hear what they both were thinking: Now that she mentions it … “The Henry Jekyll everyone perceives is but a facade. A facade that suffocates him and sucks all life and happiness out of him, but he never takes it off, because he fears for his reputation. He is so hell-bent on not only being seen as a perfect gentleman, but being one as well, that he wants to get rid of everything that taints him. He doesn't accept his flaws as a part of him. He just sees them as a disease to get rid off, but doesn't realise that the human nature doesn't work like that. Our flaws are a part of who we are, they define us and make us human. There is no such thing as true purity.” “Are you saying”, Mr. Utterson asked, “That Edward Hyde is more Henry Jekyll than Henry Jekyll himself is?” She swayed her head from side to side. “Mhh, yes and no. Mr. Hyde embodies all of Dr. Jekyll's flaws and desires, all of the traits that he hates about himself. Whatever stays hidden in the doctor comes out in his alter ego. Hyde is cruel, because deep down all humans are, and in the wrong situation, that cruelty reveals its ugly face. You can tell what Jekyll wants deep down, by looking at Hyde. However, Hyde's mind is very warped as a consequence of what he actually is and all of his darker traits are more intense than they would be in a normal person. To say that he's mentally unstable is an understatement. That's what happens when you reject a part of your personality, when your soul is violently torn apart. Dr. Jekyll wants to be a better man, but all he does is destroy himself. Suppressing and rejecting your feelings, wishes and desires isn't healthy – it can have disastrous consequences on your psyche.” These words reminded Utterson of what Hyde had told him the night before: “… But you need to stop deluding yourself. You're acting just like Jekyll. It's not healthy.” So this is what he meant … Then suddenly something occurred to him: he was fond of Henry Jekyll, but he disliked Edward Hyde. But if Hyde was a part of Jekyll, what did that say about his, Utterson's, feelings for the latter? Lady Summers noticed his affliction. “You're conflicted.” It wasn't a question. Utterson sighed. He really didn't want to discuss this in front of Lanyon, but since he just had found out about the darkest secret of the two doctors, maybe he could find a work-around. “It's just … Jekyll is my friend, even though I'm currently angry at him, but I don't like Hyde, even though I see him with different eyes since last night. But since I now know that Hyde is a part of Jekyll … what does that say about my friendship with Jekyll?” “Friendship?”, Lanyon repeated doubtfully. The lawyer questioned: “Why that tone?” The white-haired man frowned and took his pince-nez off to clean it on his morning coat. “There is no need to beat around the bush. I already know, what you really feel for him.” Utterson paled and threw a glare at Lady Summers, who raised her hands in defence. “I didn't tell him!”, the Prussian protested, “You know all too well, that I would never do that!” “She really didn't”, the doctor came to her aid, “It wasn't necessary anyway. I've noticed it a long time ago. You have a certain look in your eyes, when you think of him. I can't describe it, but I know what it is. I'm not blind, Utterson, so stop pretending. You know Jekyll's and my darkest secret, so the least you can do is be truthful to us and yourself.” Lady Summers grinned in self-satisfaction, prompting the lawyer to throw her another glare. There is no need to be smug about it! Oh, but I think there is!, she answered telepathically, still grinning. He groaned, turning back to Lanyon: “You must be disgusted.” But the other shook his head and put his pince-nez back on. “I'm not that hypocritical. I once felt the same for him – thankfully that's long over – so I won't judge you for feelings you can't help. I have come to terms with it, so you can talk about it freely in front of the Lady and me.” Utterson wanted to cry. He gave his friend a hug instead. “You're such a good friend, do you know that?” Lanyon chuckled: “No, I'm not. But thank you.” Jekyll couldn't bear lying around in the sickroom all by himself, while Utterson and Lanyon were doing God knew what (probably talking to Lady Summers). He wanted to justify himself, wanted to explain, why he did what he did. And he wanted to do it now. Maybe he would never have another chance again. He remembered all too well how Lanyon, after witnessing his transformation, had informed him that he never wanted to see him again. Surely Utterson thought the same now. But he wanted to at least be heard, before the people he held most dear both turned their backs on him forever. But where were they now? They had to be here in the house, since Lanyon was sick and Utterson's messy clothing was being cleaned. He remembered that Lady Summers received her clients in her greenhouse and that both his friends were clients of hers. So he would look there first. Slowly and carefully, he rose from his cot and stood up. His legs were wobbly and he seriously doubted that he would make it all the way to the greenhouse, when his eyes caught sight of something. It was a walking cane – probably made of Ceylon ebony – beautifully adorned with a golden, bejewelled handle. He spontaneously guessed that it belonged to Lady Summers, whom he knew to be immensely rich. A walking aid and another excuse to go there, how convenient! Of course the cane was too short for him, the Lady couldn't be any taller than Hyde, but it was stable and did its purpose. Carefully and quietly as possible he crept down the hallways, until he could hear faint voices talking and smell the scent of exotic plants and he knew he was there. Slowly he sneaked up to the door and listened in on the conversation. He knew it was wrong, that he shouldn't do this, but maybe– Right now, Lanyon was speaking: “… So let's start again. You were questioning your feelings for Jekyll.” It was Utterson's voice that answered: “Yes, that's right.” Oh no … “What I meant to say is: I don't know what I'm feeling for him right now. Henry is very dear to me, always was and always will be, even though I'm angry at him right now. I …” Jekyll could hear him hesitate, which made his heart clench. “… Right up to this morning, I could safely say that I loved him.” He … he loved me? All this time and I never knew? How could I not notice?! God and all this time I thought, that there was no way he could ever – oh, if only I had told him … so that's why he got so uncharacteristically emotional over … oh god, Gabriel … “But I dislike Edward Hyde, even though I see him with different eyes after last night. So how can I, now that I know that they're the same person, still say that I love Henry Jekyll? If I don't love Hyde, who is a part of Jekyll, then I don't really love Henry, right? Doesn't love mean that you take someone with all their flaws no matter how dark they may be? Does that make me shallow?” He slid down the wall, clenched his chest and pressed a hand to his mouth to prevent any treacherous sounds from breaking out. What is that … breaking glass? Oh wait no, that's my heart shattering into pieces yet again! Dammit … if only I hadn't … now it's all too late. He forced himself to pay attention to the conversation again and heard the Lady answer: “No. The fact that you worry about this proves that you're not shallow. In fact, I'm glad that you're asking yourself that question. Because if you didn't, if you just decided that you love Jekyll but hate Hyde, or even hate both of them, without considering that they're one and the same person - that would make you superficial indeed.” “Oh, so I'm not that terrible a person. That's a relief.” Now Lanyon spoke up again: “You're not terrible at all, Utterson, what the heck! But what are you going to do now, with that question in the room?” Utterson seemed to consider, then he said: “I want to be able to say that I love him again.” Jekyll felt a flicker of hope in his chest. Does he really mean that? “But in order to properly love Henry Jekyll, I have to love Edward Hyde as well.” His hope was crushed immediately. Loving Edward Hyde? That was never going to happen, he knew that. Utterson would never truly love him. Once again he cursed Hyde's existence that ruined everything for him. Why? This is not fair! Why can't he just love me and leave Hyde out of this? “Whoa, what the hell is going on here?”, Hyde piped up. Apparently he had woken up from his one-hour-hibernation. Damn. Lady Summers spoke up: “Well, you shouldn't force yourself to love him.” “Of course not.” “Do you want to love him?”, Lanyon asked. It sounded doubtful and rightfully so. “I'm not sure. Right now, I'd tend towards no”, Utterson confessed. “But after what I've witnessed last night, I do want to know him better.” “What is he talking about? Jekyll–“ “Well, you always have been a curious individual. So you want to give it a try then? This is going to be interesting – stop laughing, Dr. Lanyon!”, the Lady snapped, when the man began to giggle. “I'm sorry. But Utterson and Hyde … as lov- pfff, oh god, I can't! This is …” Then he broke into full on laughter. And then Hyde's incredulous voice: “Wait … is he saying–?!” Jekyll withheld an annoyed groan, when his alter ego joined in Lanyon's laughter with his own evil cackle. Utterson's voice was a small aid in blocking out the evil voice in his head. “I can't say that I love Jekyll without loving Hyde as well. So yes, I do want to try this, unlikely as it may be. After all, so many unlikely things have happened lately.” “That's the spirit. It will be for everyone's good, especially Dr. Jekyll's. And speaking of him – I KNOW, THAT YOU'RE THERE! STOP HIDING AND FACE US LIKE A MAN!”, she suddenly barked, startling everyone, especially Jekyll himself, who froze in terror. When did she notice, that – “Just go! Before she gets even angrier!”, Hyde cried and for once he found himself agreeing with his other half. Slowly and a bit insecurely, he rose to his feet, leaning on the cane and tumbled into the glass room. Everyone was, unsurprisingly, glaring at him. “And just what exactly are you doing out of bed again?!”, Lanyon growled. “What are you thinking, walking around my house in that state?”, the Lady demanded to know. “How much of our conversation did you hear?!”, Utterson asked with obvious dread. Before Jekyll could utter an answer, Lady Summers rose from her rocking chair. “Sit down”, she ordered in exasperation, “You can have my chair, it's more comfortable. I'm surprised that you can stand and walk around at all in that state.” With great care, so as to not reopen the wound, he sat down in the rocking chair (while the Lady held it in place for him). “Uhm”, he mumbled awkwardly and held out the cane, “I came to bring you this.” The Lady looked slightly surprised. “My sword cane! So that's where it was! I have been searching it for weeks and it was in the sickroom the entire time? As a reward for finding it, I will overlook that this was just a sad excuse to come here. But next time you want something, just ring for one of my servants. It was my fault anyway – what was I thinking, leaving you unsupervised.” “I'm sorry”, Jekyll mumbled in shame and covered himself with the blanket that was hanging from the back rest of the chair. “It's forgiven. Now, would you do us the courtesy of answering Mr. Utterson's question?” Everything he could have said was lost in stuttering and intense blushing, much to Lanyon's glee. Impatiently, the noblewoman waved her hand. “Thank you, that's enough. We don't need to hear more. That reaction says it all. Do you want some tea? If I remember correctly, Earl Grey is your favourite.” Jekyll couldn't help but marvel at the nonchalance she changed subjects with. She poured him a cup, added a spoonful of sugar and a tad of milk. Wait, how does she know that I prefer my tea like – eh, never mind. “You want to justify your actions”, she said, while he was nipping at his tea. “But they are hard to justify. Why don't you try to explain your motives instead?” “You already know”, Jekyll stated. “I do. But your friends don't. And they deserve to know more than anyone else.” Looking at his tea cup Jekyll noticed, that it was almost empty. Damn it. He drank the rest, before he turned to his oldest friends: “Maybe you remember, that I was … uhm, rather decadent in my youth?” “Of course we do”, Utterson confirmed. Lanyon chuckled: “Do you recall that one time we got absolutely plastered on a Sunday evening and you were still drunk the next morning? Or when the fairest girl in town tried to kiss you and you pushed her into the nearby pond?” “That was an accident!”, Jekyll protested. The Lady chuckled: “As amusing as this is, we digress.” And so Jekyll went into detail about his revulsion towards his flaws and how he had come to his conclusion, that the human nature was not one but two, at least as far as he knew (at that theory, the Lady shook her head in disagreement, but said nothing). But as he was about to finish, Utterson interrupted him: “That is interesting, but still doesn't explain your true motives.” “…” Utterson frowned: “Well? We're waiting.” “I … I thought that … if I could rid myself of my darker self … that I would be content. I thought that if I could separate my evil self, that my life wouldn't feel so empty anymore. That I would be pure and that abstinence wouldn't be so torturous for me. I thought that, if we became separate identities, I could lead a good life and walk that path firmly and securely without risking shame and disgrace, while my evil twin could go on his way, free from all my expectations and pangs of conscience. It would be that simple, I thought. But at the same time …” It was hard for him to continue, to admit his more ulterior motives, but he felt so bitter right now and what more did he have to lose? How could it get any worse than it already was? “I wanted to be free. Free to do what I wanted, but couldn't, because it would have ruined my reputation. I came so far in science and yet I was just so discontent with my life. Maybe I wanted my life back and be young again, alive and carefree, do what I enjoy and not be ashamed of it. Maybe I was tired of faking smiles and laughs, while I was feeling dead and hollow on the inside, sick of pretending that everything is fine! Maybe I wanted to feel something other than perpetual depression from not living up to the goals I had set for myself! Joy, excitement, grief, anger, anything!” He was talking himself into a rage, he wanted to be heard, to be understood, to finally let out all his bitterness without being judged for it. “But it didn't work, it did not work! Yes, I did manage to split my evil away from me, but even though Edward Hyde was fully evil, I was none the better a person, I was still the same old Henry Jekyll! I'm still so bloody unhappy with my life, but every time I become Edward Hyde, my cares all disappear and it feels so good, it feels so bloody good and I can't get enough of it, I … I …” “And here we go again: waterworks in three … two … one …”, Hyde commented drily, then Jekyll began to bawl. Lady Summers handed him a handkerchief out of pity. He nodded at her gratefully and continued: “Maybe, if I hadn't approached the deed with such ulterior motives … if my goals had been more noble, maybe then my alter ego wouldn't be –“ “You're wrong, Doctor”, the Prussian interrupted him. Wrong? Wrong?! What did this young lady know about science and– She chuckled: “I'm flattered that you think me young, but as much as I would love to confirm it, you're wrong there too – I turned fifty on the 15th October.” She is … only a few months younger than I?! Jekyll looked at her with huge eyes. “You are fifty?! But … but … no way!” Out of the corner of his eye he saw Utterson and Lanyon grin gleefully. “She is, trust me”, Utterson chuckled, “As her lawyer, I have her documents and papers – she was born on the 15th October 1835 in Potsdam, Prussia.” Jekyll shot her a glare. “Tell me what your secret is!”, he demanded. She smiled and shook her head. “I'm sorry, but I have to refuse.” “Why?!” “Nobility has their secrets. Although, some day I might be going to consider telling you this one.” “But it's not fair!” Everyone laughed, when he began to sulk. He couldn't help his childish huffiness in this regard. Nor the immense envy he suddenly felt at how youthful and lively this strange widowed Lady from Prussia seemed, opposite to his own weariness. If she noticed – and she clearly did – she didn't mention it, choosing to return to the earlier topic instead. “Glad that I could lighten up the mood, but to answer your question of how I can tell that you're wrong … well, I'm going to state the obvious here: you played God. And that means something coming from me, because I'm not a particularly religious person. You tempered with something that should never be tempered with in any way. And that is the human soul. You're also wrong with your assumption, that the human nature is not one, but two. It's far more complicated than that, and you can trust me on this, because no one knows more about the human mind than I do. But I see that you're getting tired, we should get you and Dr. Lanyon back to the sickroom”, she suddenly changed the topic – again. Jekyll blinked. Him and Lanyon? “That's right”, Lady Summers confirmed, “You both will go to bed and rest now, just as I promised – and you will stay there for weeks. You're wounded and your friend is still sick.” Lanyon blinked: “What do you mean, I'm fine! Just exhausted from last night!” But she just took one of her gloves off and felt the temperature on Lanyon's forehead. “Oh no! Is that a fever I feel? You need bed rest immediately!” “Don't treat me like a child!”, he snapped. “Right now you're as fragile as one, so try to bloody stop me!”, she snapped back. “I'm siding with Lady Summers”, Utterson finally spoke up again, “Go to bed, Lanyon. You need the rest.” "You back-stabbing weasel!", cried Lanyon angrily. Before Utterson could make a retort, Lady Summers ended the dispute with her typical firmness. “Go to bed. Das ist ein Befehl.”** The imperious, very Prussian tone of her voice left no doubt that she was serious. Both Lanyon and Jekyll gulped and Lanyon muttered something the lines of “Yes, Milady”. She rolled her eyes and rang for her servants, who fetched a litter and carefully carried Jekyll back to the sickroom, while she took Lanyon by the arm and lead him there, Utterson following them. Once there and with the two patients in bed, Utterson returned to his previous seat on the chair between them. Lady Summers turned to them and said: “I will leave you gentlemen alone now, since I have work to do. And you two-” she pointed first at Jekyll, then at Lanyon, “-will not do anything stupid, or I will make good on my promise of chaining you to those beds. Marie and Kasim will bring you lunch at one. And this one is for Mr. Hyde, whom you should let out, before they come to bring the food: don't be rude to my nurse and don't openly stare at her chest. Ever. She's Austrian and will not take nonsense from anyone, not even a patient.” Jekyll heard Hyde swallow inside his head and informed her: “Duly noted, Milady.” She nodded: “Good. See you later, gentlemen.” Then she left, muttering things in German under her breath Utterson stared at Jekyll. It was still hard for him to wrap his mind about the fact that Jekyll and Hyde … Ugh … I'm giving up. Jekyll and Hyde are the same person, there is no point in pondering on that any further. “Soooo …”, he started awkwardly, “How will you transform back to Hyde? I don't assume you have any more of that … whatever it is.” “It won't be necessary”, Jekyll informed him tiredly, “I only need it to turn back into myself. In the recent months, transformations have been happening on their own accord. If I grow too tired or let my guard down too much, he comes out. He doesn't even need to try to.” “It will be one o'clock soon”, the lawyer informed him, after checking his pocket watch. The blond nodded and closed his eyes. But only a few seconds later, they flew open again, he gasped for air and began to convulse, first groaning, then screaming in pain. The black-haired man instinctively grabbed Jekyll's hand. That was all he could do. Sit there helplessly, ramble comforting words and hold his friend's – his love's – hand, while he was winding in agony and transforming into someone else. Oh my god, this is horrible, I can't look!, he thought and squeezed his eyes shut. Hearing Jekyll scream was terrible enough, even worse than with Hyde, he couldn't bear to see him writhe in pain too. The other was clutching his hand so tightly, that Utterson felt as if his finger bones were being crushed. After a while, he sensed the first changes. He heard Jekyll's usually gentle and smooth voice change into the high, raspy one of Hyde. He felt the large, firm and white hand, that was gripping his own, turn lean, sinewy and deathly pale, could feel the slender, well-groomed fingers of Henry Jekyll morph into the long, spidery digits of his alter ego. Eventually, the screams turned into low groans, then into laboured breathing. “You can open your eyes now”, Hyde's voice finally spoke and Utterson opened his eyes to find the small, young man lying on the bed in front of him, looking as tired as he had before turning into Jekyll. “Interesting, how you care about Jekyll, no matter how angry you are at him”, the brunet noted, then noticed something and lifted a brow. “Why are you holding my hand?”, he inquired. The lawyer blushed. “I can't see people suffer and since there was nothing else I could do … uhm, speaking of which, could you please let go? Or at least loosen your grip a bit?” Hyde blinked and let go. “Oh. My apologies. I hope I didn't break any fingers?” Utterson flexed them. “I don't think so.” “Good.” Lanyon stood from his bed. “I'm going back to the guest room”, he informed the lawyer, when he wanted to object, “Tell Lady Summers that I'm there. I don't wish to stay here any longer.” Utterson knew fairly well, what his friend meant. And it was obvious that Hyde did so too, because a shadow ran over his face, before he shrugged coolly, which didn't escape the lawyer. So it does bother him, when people are repulsed by his very presence … “Stop right there!”, Hyde suddenly growled. Utterson blinked in confusion. “I wasn't doing anything.” “I can't read minds like the Lady can, but I can tell that you were about to pity me. I saw it in your eyes. Listen, Mr. Utterson, I'm used to everyone being uncomfortable around me, so there is no need for you to feel bad about it.” “That doesn't make anything better”, the lawyer retorted. He leaned back in his chair and sighed in frustration: “Now, that I know who you really are … ugh, this is far over my head.” “You're still taking it a lot better than Lanyon did, though”, Hyde noted. “Maybe I'm also a bit relieved”, the lawyer couldn't help but admit. The younger man lifted an eyebrow in interest. “Oh? Why is that? Do enlighten me!” Might as well tell him … he probably won't be surprised. After what we said to each other last night, before- “I had the wildest speculations on what exactly the exact nature of your relationship to Jekyll was. I can't help but be relieved to see that they're false.” “You thought I was blackmailing him, didn't you?” “Among other things.” “Be more specific. I hate it when people are vague.” The older man blushed in embarrassment. He didn't want to admit to his insane suspicions in detail and he feared that the smaller man might be offended. “Well?”, Hyde said after a while, impatience clear in his voice. “Go on! Don't be bashful about it!” “To be quite honest with you … I thought that you were – or used to be – physically intimate with him and that you were threatening to expose him, should he not do as you wished. And that you were hurting him in the worst ways.” The other seemed completely unimpressed. Furthermore, after a few seconds, he chuckled: “I can see, where that suspicion is coming from.” His laugh was completely mirthless, but he didn't seem to be surprised or offended at all. The older man was ashamed of himself and mumbled an apology. Hyde giggled, this time in amusement: “You're actually ashamed of it, how adorable! But let me tell you something: Lady Summers told me, that, before she saw me and read my mind for the first time, she actually suspected that I might be Jekyll's bastard son!” Utterson silently admitted to himself, that this thought had occurred to him as well. Hyde snorted: “Don't see, why anyone would think that – I mean, Jekyll and I look literally nothing alike! There is not a single feature we share!” “But there is”, the lawyer contradicted. The other looked at him, as if he had just grown a second head. “You're joking.” “I'm not.” The young man scoffed: “Is there? What feature do we have in common then, eh?” Utterson pointed at his chin. “Your lower jar and chin have the same structure. And the curve of your neck is the same as well.” Hyde stared at him for what seemed like minutes, much like a mesmerised cat. Then he laughed; but for the first time since the lawyer knew him, it actually sounded half-way pleasant. “You actually noticed that! Not even Jekyll and I did! Oh, Mr. Utterson, you really amuse me!” The black-haired lawyer frowned slightly. “I can't decide, if I should be flattered or offended.” “Oh, be flattered!”, Hyde giggled, “Now I can see, why Jekyll is so fond of you!” He stopped giggling and looked at him strangely. “When he isn't busy with work, monologuing, making up excuses or wallowing in self-pity, he thinks about you. And because I'm in his head, when he is in control, I have the dubious honour of having to listen to his every thought. It's so annoying.” Utterson couldn't help but smile. Hearing that Henry felt this way for him, made him feel happier than was appropriate. “Then I hope, that your annoyance won't stop the two of us from getting along well.” The wounded man smirked lopsidedly and the devilish glint was back in his eyes again. “I know what you're getting at, Mr. Utterson. Jekyll – and therefore I too – overheard your talk with the Lady and Lanyon and let me tell you, it's not going to happen. As surprised as I am, that you actually want to put effort into this, I will never truly be fond of you. I will tolerate you, because you entertain me. Nothing more.” Utterson wasn't surprised by that statement – he had expected nothing less from the young man, who was currently lying on a hospital bed, grinning like he was plotting his imminent demise. But he also remembered, how that very man had clung to him the night before, bleeding, sobbing and crying in mortal fear, yet marvelling at the lawyer's display of compassion at the same time. He grinned back, something he almost never did, but his fighting spirit was awakened. “I accept the challenge, Mr. Hyde.”

(A/N: This chapter is angsty again. I’m not sorry.

*Papperlapapp - German for 'Balderdash' **Das ist ein Befehl - German for 'This is an order' Utterson learns the truth and is upset, Jekyll is being a whiny bitch, Lanyon is just done, Lady Summers is even more done and Hyde finds the situation really comical. Utterson takes the news better than Lanyon, but he's still super upset, that he's been lied to by his best friends. Lanyon is still suffering from the shock (and might be having a brain fever). Jekyll doesn't have Hyde's gunshot wound, since he wasn't the one who got shot, obviously, but he's still affected. Lady Summers is everyone's nanny and everyone is done with Jekyll's self-pitying. Hyde doesn't quite get what's going on, but he thinks it's funny anyway.)

#The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde #henry jekyll #Dr. Jekyll #mr utterson #Gabriel John Utterson #Hastie Lanyon #dr lanyon #Mr. Hyde #edward hyde #oc #utterson finds out the truth #here there be angst #hyde being hyde #jekyll being jekyll

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dwtspd · 5 years

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DWTS season 27 finale

I was so confused when I saw my last post said week 8 and thought for a moment I missed a week. Opening number - not a fan of this rendition of the song. There wasn’t a lot of dancing??

So I guess each finalist is re-performing their favourite dance?

Alexis and Alan - Argentine Tango Wasn’t impressed by this dance the first time around. It seems like Alexis didn’t hit her lines as well this time. She dances very soft - too soft for an AT - and now looked like she was just marking. Some of the ballet moves she didn’t complete her extensions. Lacked sharpness for the actual AT parts. 9-9-9 T27

Some thoughts while we are in advertisement break - this season wasn’t well planned. 2 double elims? 9 weeks only? Only a 1-night finale? Don’t get me wrong, I used to think the 2-night show was a tad unnecessary, but that was more because of all the random extra acts with random artists that I don’t know what affiliation they have to the show. 2 3-hour shows are too much, but if they were only doing a 1-night finale, I could deal with 3 hours, and more focus on the stars. Tom and Erin didn’t even have time to explain the show structure.

Bobby and Sharna - Hammer dance/cha cha Yeah I’m calling it Hammer dance because that’s all I remember about it. I saw more cha cha here than I remember form the original, not that it was well done. 8-8-8 T24 that is generous. I may not remember their original but this can’t have been much better. side note - I noticed Bobby and Sharna have matching shoes, which match Sharna’s hair too.

Dan and Shay perform their apparently new song that one of my roommates was listening to about 2 hours earlier.

Recap the first 4 weeks. I’d forgotten Nancy was here.

Why of all things do we need this non-dance again? Or even just of all of Joe’s dances. This was his worst one.

Evanna and Keo - Tango Not surprised she picked this one. SLAY GIRL SLAY. I remember Evanna would sometimes get overexcited and hop into steps rather than just step. I didn’t remember anything specific to this dance, but if anything, this performance was super clean, felt grounded and intense without looking like she was hitting too hard. Amazing. 10-10-10 T30 Well deserved!! And a special message from Emma Watson! Did they cut the other messages? Cos I heard almost all the cast had messages for her.

Ayyy it’s the DWTS Swiffer ad! Love the dancing janitor.

Milo and Witney - Charleston These two are so cute. Milo blushed so hard when Witney told him she was proud of his progress. “And if we win, you will be the shortest female to have ever won - ” hahaha. I didn’t remember anything wrong from this dance the first time round, and nothing wrong with this round. His right foot doesn’t swivel as much as his left. just an observation. 10-10-10 T30

Pro tour number. There’s a stark difference in guys to girls. And almost all the male celebs joining? Yeesh

Juan Pablo redoes his AT. Tinashe sings “Fever” while surrounded by the guys. Wish she had more time with Brandon.

This finale is so whack that Erin can’t even say “D-W-T-S” right.

Freestyles time

Alexis and Alan oh, so it’s another contemporary-esque freestyle. Contemporary ain’t Alan’s forte. Can they stop cutting to the singers in the middle of the dancing? I think the ‘mountain’ set up hampered them because running up and down took away time from the dance, and the way the set was arranged also blocked them at times. Alexis’ posture was weird when they did that 2 bars of foxtrot-y stuff in the middle. She looked like she was falling out of the hold. The contemp parts felt kinda high-school-ish bar one jump. 10-10-10 T30

I guess one good thing about them trying to shovel this show into 2 hours is that I’ll have time to do work after this.

John sings while Emma and Sasha dance.

Bobby and Sharna Thought the spoken stuff worked well for Bobby. I wish they kept it with the dramatic lighting and not do the shiny birthday cake thing. Oh, you know there’s a problem when it’s the FREESTYLE and you have to cut away from the celeb do show some pros doing stuff. Bobby didn’t do a lot of dancing in this number, it was more of patterns and stuff happening around him. Whatever dance steps he did, he looked a bit frenzied. But he gets lifted by DeMarcus. And they have a false end, then do the flossing with Erin while Tom flosses his teeth so LOL. 10-10-10 T30 Really?? I think they just wanted to give everyone 30 for the freestyles.

The switch of Milo and Evanna’s positions for the second round would have been interesting if I didn’t already know the result.

Milo and Witney OH. MY. GOD. I am BLOWN AWAY. They did so many things that could have been tacky - umbrellas, the water platform - but they used it WELL. It was relevant to the song. It created mood and ambiance that complemented the dancing. There was bits of hip hop (the more animating, locking kind), bits of tango and AT, some contemporary, some jazz, and Milo did everything well. He had a stage presence from the beginning and again I felt maturity to contrast the youthfulness from his charleston. Showed off his versatility. I will make fun of Zombies for the rest of my life but Milo won me over with his dancing. 10-10-10 T 30 If the other dances got 30, this should have been like 50!!!!!!

Evanna and Keo A classic freestyle!! Great work for Keo’s first! The song was perfectly Evanna, not surprised it’s her favourite. They had some interesting shapes which weren’t what you would expect but it was uniquely Evanna and suited her well. I loved her energy and presence and character. Interesting camera angle at the end. i wish it didn’t cut out her footwork, but I enjoyed watching Evanna’s expressions. The set at the beginning is also great. 10-10-10 T30 Should also be wayyy higher given the other dances.

They didn’t even have time to announce 4th, 3rd. Maybe they would have if they didn’t have the final song montage. Even if that’s a nice song. Tom couldn’t even drag out the announcement as long as he normally would’ve.

And the winner is...BOBBY

What?!?! Guess he just had that many votes. Everyone is stunned. And he barely has time to make a speech because they are short for time.

Now, I’m happy for Bobby and I didn’t think he had a bad attitude. He seemed to genuinely enjoy the show, so I don’t want to see anyone complaining about him. Would I have prefered someone else win? Hell to the yes. Is it insane that with partners like Charlie White and James Hinchcliffe, Sharna only won the MBT with Bobby? Hell freaking yes. But the way some people are laying into him is classless and baseless. Congratulations to Bobby and Sharna.

Now per Kristyn Burtt, the rankings for the remaining 3 were Milo second, Evanna third, and Alexis 4th.

Not too surprised but a bit of an eyebrow raiser that Milo beat Evanna because she seems to have a bigger fanbase and slightly higher scores on average in the last few weeks, but maybe its the narrow voting windows that only favour US East coasters that worked in Milo’s favour. Alexis in fourth is dead right, even if Milo or Evanna won (which everyone was predicting/hoping), Bobby would have still beaten her.

#DWTS #dwts27 #dancing with the stars #milo manheim #Evanna Lynch #keo motsepe #witney carson #Bobby Bones #alexis ren #sharna burgess #alan bersten

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aceofstars16 · 6 years

Text

Righting a Wrong

This has been a WIP for soooo long but I finally finished it! (and probably stayed up wayyy too late finishing and editing it...)

This is an AU of “To Find A Home” where Tony doesn’t end up adopting Peter. So, the next time they meet, it’s in New York and Peter has some new found super powers...

Posting below the cut because this is lonnnnng (Or at least long for my fics xD)

Peter collapsed on his bed, his ears still ringing from the reprimand he had just gotten. Yes, he understood why Mrs. Olsen had been upset, he had stayed out two hours past curfew, and this was the third time this week. But every time he told himself to head home, he would see someone else that needed help, that needed a hero, and he couldn’t say no. Even as his body ached and his head swam with exhaustion, he would never stop helping others. He had gotten these powers for a reason, he wasn’t going to waste them.

A poster on the wall caught his eye and Peter felt a small prick of sadness in his chest. Every time he had moved to a new foster home, he had debated leaving the poster behind, but he could never bring himself to. By now it was fading and curling at the edges, but the image was still as clear as ever. Tony Stark posing for…who even knew what. Peter had bought it in a store after moving on from the Onderons. It was silly, he knew. He had only stayed with Mr. Stark for a few weeks, but they had been some of the most enjoyable weeks of his life. There were days when it almost felt like it had just been a dream. But then he would pull out one of the old notebooks he had gotten with Mr. Stark all those years ago and he knew it wasn’t. Then there were the days when he couldn’t even look at the poster. He knew in his heart that it hadn’t been Tony’s fault for what happened, but he still wondered what might’ve been different if he had stayed at the mansion. If Mr. Stark had fought to keep him. But he was just a piece in a publicity game, so of course Iron Man wouldn’t do that for him.

Pushing away the painful memories, Peter reached over and grabbed his backpack, pulling out his homework while making sure his homemade suit was hidden. Glancing at the clock, Peter held back a groan. It was almost midnight. Tomorrow was going to be another long day…

With a tap, Tony rewound the video again. You would think after years of dealing with aliens and super soldiers he would be used to seeing new heroes, but this hero was different. His suit was obviously homemade, and very lacking in many departments, but it worked and he was still able to do things any normal person wouldn’t be able to accomplish. Despite Spider-man’s obvious amateur fighting style, he had potential. One day he might be an asset to the team, but only one day, for now, Tony had other things to worry about.

Upgrading tech, planning out new missions, there was plenty to focus on besides a new hero in New York. And yet during nights when he couldn’t sleep, Tony found himself studying Spider-man’s suit, and his fighting style. It really wasn’t a good suit, it clearly was a hand me down jacket or something. It wasn’t intentional, but whenever the new hero crossed his mind, Tony found himself brainstorming what kind of suit would be good for him. Soon it went from brainstorming to working out a rough prototype.

That’s how Tony found himself staring at the screen in front of him, his brain trying to wrap his mind around what he was seeing. After working on a suit, he realized he really should figure out who Spider-man was. After all, he couldn’t exactly give a suit to a stranger, and he was curious as to who this new vigilante was. But he wasn’t expecting this.

Peter Parker.

Tony would be lying if he said he hadn’t thought about the kid. Hearing a child laughing in a park, picking up a science book that he just knew Peter would’ve loved. They were little things, and every time they came up, Tony tried to ignore the pang of guilt in his chest. Peter had just been a kid, and Tony had promised him that he’d pay to get him through school and make sure he had everything he needed, and he had broken that promise within a few weeks. At first, Tony had been tempted to check in on the kid, maybe call him, but then he would tell himself that wouldn’t help anyone. Peter needed to move on, Tony making any kind of contact would only make things worse. So, he forced himself not to look, instead he simply sent a few generous donations to the foster care system, hoping it would benefit Peter in some way.

But now Peter was back. He was in New York of all places. And he was a superhero. The odds of that happening were about ten trillion to one, but it had happened.

A few minutes ago, Tony was fully planning on calling whoever Spider-man was, or at least trying to plan a visit so he could show off the suit and help the vigilante out, but now all of those plans were thrown out the window. It took only a few seconds to find that Peter was still in the system. No one had ever adopted him, he had been shuffled from home to home and the guilt that weighed down on Tony’s chest was unbearable.

“Close it all, Fri.” Running a hand over his face, Tony looked over at the suit he had made and quickly pushed it to the side. He wanted to help inspire the next generation, he wanted to support new heroes, because he knew one day they would be the ones saving the world. But the thought of seeing Peter again, after all these years, after letting him down…Tony couldn’t face that. Not now.

Maybe one day he would be able to, but not today. Spider-man was doing okay for now, he didn’t need a new suit yet, right?

Right. That’s what Tony told himself over and over again, even as guilt clawed at his heart.

You’re letting him down again. That was the continual thought that haunted Tony for a week until he caved.

It was a new Spider-man video, where the kid stopped a car from running into a bus. For anyone else, it would’ve been impossible, but not for him. But as he swung away, Tony saw him holding his arm to his chest. How many times had Peter gotten bruised and battered because his suit offered no protection?

So, despite every bit of guilt and worry pressing down on him, Tony grabbed the suit and drove to the address listed for Peter’s current guardians.

He wasn’t going to let the kid down again.

Peter was exhausted. It had been another long night – though now he had made a habit of going home and then climbing out the window so he didn’t get grounded for being a hero. Every time he did, he felt a small wave of guilt for sneaking out, but it wasn’t like he was getting drunk at a party, he was helping people. That was the only way he could make himself feel better about it, even if it did result in him being exhausted on a regular basis.

Maybe tonight he would give himself a day off and just finish his homework and go to bed early. The thought was still playing around in his head as he walked to the apartment, so much so that he didn’t even notice the nice car parked outside.

As he exited the elevator, Peter’s increased senses went crazy and he quickly looked up, only to freeze as he saw who was standing in the hallway. It couldn’t be…he was hallucinating, his brain was just making things up. But as he took a few hesitant steps forward, nothing changed. Mr. Stark was still standing in front of the apartment door.

“Mr…I uh…what are you uh…?”

Mr. Stark gestured to the door. “Can we talk inside? I’ve already gotten some strange looks out here.”

Peter glanced at the door, his brain slow to connect that Mrs. Olsen was probably out visiting her sister, she did that a lot. He knew it was one of the only reasons she had taken him in, to help pay for the treatments, but she wasn’t the worst person he’d been housed with.

“Peter?”

“Uh, right, yeah…” Peter shook his head, trying to figure out what the heck was going on even though all he wanted to do was lie down and sleep for a few hours.

Unlocking the door, Peter walked in and dropped his backpack on the floor before hesitantly looking up at Mr. Stark, who was studying the room.

“Not a bad place.”

A spark of anger jumped in Peter’s chest. Not bad. Yeah, it wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t a mansion either. “What are you…why are you here?”

Tony sighed and then looked up at Peter. “I just…wanted to see how you are doing.”

“Why do you care? I haven’t seen you in…years and then you just show up?” The anger in Peter’s chest blazed brighter even while he felt the hurt that had been aching inside for years press down on him.

Opening his mouth, Mr. Stark looked like he was going to talk, but then he closed his mouth and shook his head, muttering to himself.

“Look…I…it’s cool to see you and all but, I’m not your problem anymore okay?”

“Well, that’s not entirely true.” Mr. Stark held up his phone and flicked it.

A video of Spider-Man saving a car popped up and Peter felt his heart skip a beat. But then disappointment washed over him. So that was the only reason he came back…

“I don’t know what you are talking about.”

“Peter, come on, give me some credit. You aren’t exactly subtle when you change in alleyways. How long?”

For a moment, Peter wanted to just pretend he didn’t know what Mr. Stark was talking about, but despite the hurt expanding in his chest, he also didn’t want his old guardian to leave, at least, not yet. “A few months…”

Out of the corner of his eye, Peter saw Mr. Stark nod. “What about the webbing? I’m assuming that’s not coming out of you.”

“I made it…”

A smile. “I always knew you were a bright kid.”

“Yeah, good for you. Now, it was nice to catch up and everything but I have homework I need to do so-”

“Peter.”

It was amazing the kind of memories one word could bring back.

“What? What do you want? You obviously didn’t care about me before, but now that I have powers you suddenly remember me? I’ve been doing fine on my own okay, so if you don’t have anything else to say can you please just-”

Peter’s voice cracked and he quickly looked away, not wanting to show how hurt he was. That he only mattered now because he was a superhero.

There was a sigh, then a thump on the table. “…I’m sorry, Peter…”

A second later, the door opened and closed and Peter was alone, but when he glanced up, he saw a silver briefcase on the table. Despite the well of emotions in his chest, he found himself walking towards it and opening it up, only to jump back as he saw the most complex and amazing suit.

“Wha-?”

Glancing up at the door, Peter almost ran out after Mr. Stark, but he had no clue what to say, so he just stood there, staring at the door until his exhaustion returned and he quickly stuffed the case under his bed before taking a well needed nap.

Everything hurt. Peter was used to it by now, but normally it came from fighting crime, not just living in an apartment. It had been a few weeks since Mr. Stark had visited him and about a week ago, Mrs. Olsen had told him her sister was moving in and had to take his room. Which meant a new family. And as soon as he met Mr. Grey, Peter knew he was bad. With just one look, the hair on his arms raised and every instinct told him to run. But of course he couldn’t run. This was his new home, if he ran, he would only be in more trouble. So, he managed, and escaped through hero work while trying not to listen to the insults yelled at him every day. He had dealt with things like it before…he could again.

At least that’s what he told himself.

Maybe if he had some of his old comforts, he could get through it. But almost all of his personal items had been slowly taken away until he only had the bare necessities, and his suit. So, he did what he could. Some nights he stayed out longer than he should, sneaking in only to sleep then rushing out before anyone woke up. It was exhausting, but it was better than the alternative.

However, he couldn’t go on like that forever, there were times when he had to face his guardian and just close his eyes and take it. Then there were the nights when he was too tired to go home, when he fell asleep on fire escapes or rooftops – which oddly enough felt safer than his own room.

Something was wrong. Tony didn’t notice it right away, it was slow at first. Peter staying out later, sometimes leaving earlier. He blamed the kid’s desire to be a hero, and maybe it helped him adjust to a new home. But then, one night, when he couldn’t sleep, Tony pulled up the tracker and saw the kid far from his apartment, and his heartrate indicated he was…sleeping?

The rest of the night, Tony tried to reason that he must’ve been sleeping over at a friend’s house, but the next morning – after having barely slept at all – he still couldn’t shake the uneasy feeling.

I’ll just go check on him. The thought of talking to Peter again weighed down on Tony - it hadn’t exactly gone amazing last time - but he needed to make sure the kid was okay. Even if it meant he had to face the guilt, it wasn’t like he was a stranger to guilt after all.

As soon as he knocked on the door, Tony knew something was up. The man that answered the door glared at him and was obviously trying not to show the inside of the apartment.

“What do you want?”

“Are you, Carson Grey, the guardian of Peter Parker?” Tony asked, studying the man and trying to get a better read on him. He could’ve sworn he saw a flash of fear flash on the man’s face.

“You with the state?”

“Well no, but-”

“Good. Now get out of here.”

Before the man could close the door, Tony grabbed it. “I don’t think you know who I am. I’m Tony Stark.”

The man glared at him. “I don’t care who you are. Leave!”

The door closed and Tony barely moved his fingers away in time. Something definitely wasn’t right, and he almost called Friday to send him one of his suits but a small voice told him that wasn’t the right move. No, he knew where to go.

Turning on his heel, he started walking back to his car when something caught his eye and he almost tripped over his own feet.

Sitting on the ground, next to garbage cans was a dirty looking stuffed animal.

“No…” Walking over to it, Tony crouched down and picked it up. It was…Freckles. He didn’t know how he remembered the name, or even what it looked like, but he knew it was Peter’s. After all these years the kid hadn’t gotten rid of it. But now it was out in the trash. Yes, something definitely wasn’t right. And Tony was going to fix it.

When Peter came home, he was expecting yelling, but not this…

“Who did you tell?!?”

“Wha-what?” Peter stammered backing himself against the wall and glancing at the window. He needed to get out of here before…

“Don’t ‘what’ me kid! Iron Man just showed up at my door and you play dumb?”

“Iron-” Peter stared at the man in front of him. He rarely ever believed anything Mr. Grey said, but why would he make up Mr. Stark coming to…check in on him?

“That’s it!”

The hairs on Peter’s neck rose up and he tried bolting out of the house, but a rough hand grabbed his shirt and yanked him back and it took all his power not to use his strength to stumble away. But no one knew who he was – aside from Mr. Stark – and he couldn’t change that now…

Tony was barely keeping himself in check as he walked next to Janet, the social worker who the agency had sent to check in on Peter.

“Mr. Stark, you really must wait in your car, you aren’t qualified-”

“I fostered Peter once and I’m not standing around if some jerk is hurting him.” There was no way he would’ve been able to wait in the car, especially because he highly doubted the man he had met would respect a simple social worker.

As Janet knocked on the door, Tony crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes, glancing down to look at his watch. He might not have a suit but he wasn’t totally unarmed…

From the other side of the door, there was yelling, then it opened. Mr. Grey took one look at Tony and the anger on his face increased.

“Mr. Grey, I’m with the system. I’m here to check in and make sure Peter is doing well.” Janet glanced at Tony. “Per request of Mr. Stark.”

“Sorry to disappoint you, but the brat isn’t here right now.” He made to close the door again but, like this morning, Tony grabbed it.

“That’s funny because I heard you talking with someone a second ago.”

“It was the TV.”

“You talk to the TV, huh? The heat signature I’m picking up would indicate otherwise.” Without another word, Tony shoved the door open, sending Carson Grey stumbling backwards.

“Mr. Stark! Forced entry is-”

Tony ignored the social worker as he made his way into the apartment and opened the door that the signature was coming from, but when he saw the sight in front of him, he froze, anger rising in his chest. Peter was huddled in the corner of the room, a black eye highlighting his face and bruises covering his arms.

Without thinking, Tony found his hand pressing a button on his watch.

“You can’t just-” Tony spun around, pulling the one shot repulsor over his hand and aiming it at Mr. Grey.

“Beat up a kid and get away with it? I agree.”

Mr. Grey stared at the repulsor, anger blazing in his eyes, but fear was holding him back.

“Say, Janet, you mind getting Peter out of here?”

“What…are you going to do?”

“Keep an eye on this piece of garbage until the police get here.” Tony caught a glance at Peter as Janet helped him up, and the kid was staring at Tony, his eyes wide.

“It’s going to be okay now, Pete.” Tony locked eyes with the kid for a moment, then looked back at Mr. Grey who had taken a step towards the door.

“No you don’t!” Tony snapped, as he took a step forward, making sure to place himself in-between Peter and the jerk.

“M-Mr. Stark?” Peter’s voice was hesitant and shaky. It broke Tony’s heart.

“Janet will take care of you, kid, don’t worry.”

Peter hesitated, but a second later he was out the door and Tony looked back at Mr. Grey. All he wanted to do was beat this jerk senseless, but he simply kept his repulsor trained on him until the police came. Then he shot him. It wouldn’t kill him, Tony knew that, but it would hurt, and if anyone deserved to be in pain for the next few days, it was this man who had hurt an innocent kid.

Peter wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out. His nerves were shot during the whole ride to the agency. He didn’t know this woman, he’d only been to the agency once before, and now Mr. Stark was alone with Mr. Grey, and despite knowing that Iron Man could more than handle it, he was still worried. He knew firsthand how painful Mr. Grey’s fists could be…

And then there was the walk into the building. People were staring at him, some with curiosity, some with sympathy. Either way, Peter shrunk away from every look, wishing he had a hood he could pull over his face.

Then there was the waiting, the whispering, the questions. Every time someone new walked into the room, Peter would hug himself a little tighter and just wish they would stop making him relive it all. He knew they weren’t trying to be mean, but they needed to know what had happened, he just wished it didn’t hurt so much.

The door opened again and Peter made himself hold back a whimper. Maybe this was one of the easier ones, like that nurse who had checked over his bruises, or the nice man who had brought him something to eat.

“Hey, Pete.”

Peter’s eyes snapped open and he found himself looking at Mr. Stark, who was standing in front of him, concern glistening in his eyes. That surprised Peter almost as much as seeing Tony again.

Then the door opened again and Peter quickly whipped his head around to see who had come in. His heart sank when he recognized it as Mrs. Hinsen, the woman who always assigned his new home. He didn’t even want to think about going to a new home, not now…

“Mr. Stark, I heard you came in. While we appreciate you alerting us to the situation, your part is done now.”

“So, what? I can’t check on the kid to make sure he’s okay?”

The defensiveness in Mr. Stark’s voice was not what Peter was expecting. After all, he had only known Tony for a little while, years ago. Unless this was because of being a hero. What was he thinking? Of course it was about him being Spider-man, nothing more…

Mrs. Hinsen gestured to Peter. “He’s okay. Now please, I need to talk with Peter about where we go from here.”

Mr. Stark crossed his arms. “So, you are just going to come in and talk about new homes right after everything that happened? Why not give the kid a break?”

“We will do what is best for Peter, and that includes finding where he will be staying. Now, if you will please-”

“Where?”

“What?”

Mr. Stark glanced at Peter, then back and Mrs. Hinsen. “Where are you sending him?”

“I am not discussing it with you, this is a matter between the agency and-”

“No.” It was a simple word, but even Peter froze at the intensity behind it. “I am not letting Peter end up in another home like that one.” He spat the last words out. “I’m not leaving until I know he’ll be okay.”

Peter wanted to say something, but his tongue seemed frozen in his mouth. He didn’t know what to say, heck he didn’t even know what to think or feel. Despite that though, he couldn’t help but feel a little touched that Tony was worried about him…even if it was only because of his newfound powers.

Mrs. Hinsen sighed. “Mr. Stark, you have no right to play any role in that unless you plan to foster Peter yourself, and with your record I don’t think-”

“I’ll do it.”

The words struck Peter in the chest. Had he just heard…?

“You…what?”

“Foster Peter, that’s not against the law, right?” Tony’s straightforward manner was the exact opposite to the complete dumbstruck confusion Peter was experiencing.

“I…well, no but with your record, I don’t think-”

“What? I left the kid for five minutes with an AI who is smarter than many humans. I’m pretty sure there are a lot worse people out there. Oh wait, the police just arrested one. You know what? I change my mind. I don’t want to foster Peter.”

Peter couldn’t breathe. For a moment, he was a kid again, elated at the thought of living with Mr. Stark. And now it was gone…

“Good, now can-”

“I want to adopt him.”

“What?!?” Peter blurted out, the same moment Mrs. Hinsen did.

“Yeah. So, how do we go about that?”

The next day, Peter was still in shock. If someone had told him a day ago that he would be walking into the Avenger’s complex with Tony Stark, he would’ve laughed. But here he was. He felt like pinching himself to make sure it was real but…if this was a dream, he didn’t want to wake up from it.

“Come on, your room is this way.”

Peter glanced at Mr. Stark, but he was already walking towards the stairs so Peter grabbed the strap of his duffle a little tighter and followed.

Tony stopped in front of an open door and Peter hesitantly walked in, only to freeze as he saw the bed.

“Freckles?” Without thinking, he rushed forward and grabbed the cheetah, holding it tight, only when Mr. Stark spoke did he realize how childish it was.

“I found him and cleaned him up a little. Thought he might make it a little more like a home, cause…well the compound isn’t exactly a house.”

Even as Peter’s cheeks flushed, he found himself smiling as he held the stuffed animal tighter. “Thank you…”

“Yup. Well…I’ll let you get settled. If you need anything just ask Friday, she’s programed into the whole complex.”

“Friday? What about Jarvis?” Peter couldn’t help but ask. It may have been years ago, but he still remembered the AI who had helped him out. Only when he saw Mr. Stark flinch did his stomach clench in fear.

“He…well, he’s kind of here. But…well, you’ll meet him soon. Friday is my new AI, she handles things almost as well.” Tony gave a half smile and then waved as he headed out the door, leaving Peter feeling confused and slightly guilty.

Still hugging Freckles, he looked around the room. It was pretty plain, but it was nice. There was a window looking out over the complex and Peter found himself standing in front of it as he tried to come to terms with all that had happened.

He couldn’t be more relieved to be away from Mr. Grey, and the sore ribs were the only things left from his time there. But as excited as he was to be here, with Mr. Stark, with the Avengers, he couldn’t help but feel anxious. He was here because he was an asset, he was a hero…what if he couldn’t keep up?

Training was normal around the complex, making sure everyone was in top form for the next mission. Tony hadn’t expected Peter to want to join in so quickly, but a day after he arrived, he showed up – albeit a little late – to training. A small knot of worry grew in Tony’s chest at first. Peter was just a kid and he had been beaten up only a few days ago. But after a few rotations, he seemed fine.

So, Peter joined each training session, though Tony made sure he never went on mission. He was just a kid and he was Tony’s responsibility, there was no way he was taking him to other countries to fight. Besides, he would have plenty of time to be a hero in the future, now he was just a kid. But apparently Peter didn’t think that.

“What am I doing wrong?”

Tony froze, stopping before the bend in the hall. Peter was frustrated, that was clear, but about what? In the few weeks he had been here, the kid had been perfectly fine. And after the little incident with his science project, he always came to Tony when he was confused with school – though sometimes he went to one of the other Avengers, much to Tony’s disappointment.

“I train as hard as I can and I never go on missions…ugh!”

As Tony walked around the corner, he saw Peter kicking the wall.

“Hey now, if you should be mad at anyone, you should be mad at me, not the wall.”

Peter’s head shot up and his eyes went wide. “Mr. Stark, I uh…” Ducking his head, he looked at the ground. “Sorry…”

“What are you sorry for? Kid, this place is built to withstand just about anything, I don’t think even your super strength could hurt it too much.” Tony hoped a little teasing might help the kid relax a little, but Peter didn’t even look up.

Peter opened his, but then he shut it and bunched up his shoulders. “I…I’m going to go work on my homework.” He turned around, obviously wanting to get away quickly. But a knot of worry was growing in Tony’s chest and he couldn’t ignore it.

“Wait.” Tony reached out and placed a hand on Peter’s shoulder to stop him. When he flinched, Tony quickly pulled away, not wanting to spark any bad memories for the kid. To his relief though, Peter didn’t keep walking, though he didn’t turn and look at Tony either.

“Look, Pete, you’re still learning. Missions are dangerous, you’ll get to them one day, but for now I want you to focus on school, okay?”

A simple nod. Then Peter turned and hurried away, leaving Tony even more worried than before. For a split second, a spark of doubt fired in his chest. He didn’t know any more about raising a kid than when he had first taken in Peter. But he waved that thought away. He had regretted letting Peter go once, he wasn’t going to second guess himself now. The kid was something special, and Tony wasn’t going to let him go again. He would give him time and space. If something was really wrong, Peter would ask for help.

Focus on school. The words kept ringing around in Peter’s brain, each time berating him more and more. He wasn’t ready for missions, he wasn’t good enough, he was too inexperienced. And there was only one way to change that.

After school, Peter would suit up and look for anything to fight. It was reminiscent of the days of using being a hero to escape the harsh realities of life. But now it had a different purpose. To prove he was ready, that he wasn’t just a kid. Most days, he told Mr. Stark he was hanging out with a friend, or staying late at the school lab to work – which were flimsy excuses seeing as his lab at the complex was way better than anything at school and he didn’t really have any super close friends. But they seemed to work. If only crime in the city would work for him too.

Most of the time he only caught thieves or muggers, or spent his days doing little things - which he normally enjoyed - but he needed something big.

It wasn’t until he overheard a police radio that he found something promising. It was chatter about a gang of people who kept hitting up banks and jewelry stores, anything with a lot of money or valuables. And they didn’t care about who got hurt in the process.

“I hate these guys…”

Peter heard the officer in the car mumble. It wasn’t a supervillain but…it might do…

Then he saw their handywork. Or really, the rubble left behind. After finding out about the gang, Peter had looked up where they had recently attacked and decided to see just what they had done in the past, and it was bad. But maybe that was a good thing. If Peter could take them down on his own, surely that would be enough to get on a mission, to prove that he was ready to be a hero.

It was about a week after he had found out about the gang. Peter had done recon and put together a list of possible places they would hit, and knowing where the police normally patrolled, he narrowed it down to a museum.

Waiting was a pain, but if he knew what was to come, Peter would’ve been fine waiting all night. When he saw the group, his stomach dropped. There were at least six of them, and none of them were small. Maybe this was too much…but this was his chance, Peter had to earn his keep and prove his worth. Taking a shaky breath, he steeled himself then jumped to the ground, wanting to stop them before they could inflict any damage – on the museum or the guards inside.

“Hey guys, I think the museum is closed.” Despite the fear, Peter found the quip escaping his mouth, and the familiarity of it helped him feel steadier.

The group looked at him, but after a second, all but one continued their trajectory towards the museum.

“Aw, come on, it’s more fun when everyone joins in!” Peter shot webs at two of them, and started aiming for a third.

Then his entire body exploded in pain and he fell to his knees, a cry escaping his mouth. Looking up, he saw one of the men walking towards him, a strange looking gun in his hand, and it was pointed at Peter, finger on the trigger.

Peter jumped out of the way before the blast hit him again, but his body felt weak and shaky. There was no blood, but whatever had hit him felt much worse, making his vision fuzzy. Fear closed around his throat. He hadn’t been planning on strange guns in this scenario, but he had to do this.

Hitting the strange gun with his webs, Peter pulled it out of the thug’s hand before webbing up another one. But the rest had already blasted the door, apparently his webs didn’t hold them for long.

“Come on, Peter, step it up.” He muttered to himself as he ran to the entrance of the museum, only for something to hit him hard in the chest, sending him flying back into the ground.

“Take that bug.”

A laugh. “He’s not much of a threat, is he?”

With the ringing in his head, only Peter’s enhanced senses alerted him to the incoming hit, and he barely managed to jump away, only for a shock to erupt through his entire body as the strange gun hit him again, resulting in a clumsy landing. And this time, he couldn’t move fast enough to avoid being hit by the other thug, which sent him flying into a lamp post. Pain shot through his back and tears played in his eyes.

Everything hurt, and Peter could barely dodge the next attack, but it wasn’t any use. A blast from the other thug’s gun stunned him. Then another hit. Peter needed to move, he needed to leave, to get out of there, to do something. But pain and fear were clouding his mind. He couldn’t think straight.

Another hit. Blood in his mouth. A small attempt to web up the guy, but Peter’s aim was off and it flew right over the man’s head. This time two blasts hit him, draining all the energy from his body.

“You picked the wrong crew to mess with kid.”

Peter could barely hear the words, maybe his ears were broken, or maybe he was just in too much pain to understand what was happening. Because the next second he thought he heard a loud thump, and a voice that he could’ve sworn was Mr. Stark.

“Actually, you’re the ones who picked the wrong kid to mess with.”

There were blasts, yells, all of them rang painfully loud in Peter’s ears. Car wheels screeched, and then it was silent, blissfully silent. Until the sound of machinery and footsteps echoed in his ears.

“Pete!” This time, Peter was almost sure it was Mr. Stark’s voice, but even the thought of opening his eyes exhausted him. Only when his mask was pulled off and his chest propped up did Peter try to try to open them, but the lights of the city physically hurt him and with a groan he quickly shut them again.

“Oh thank goodness, Fri what’s wrong with him?”

There was silence for a moment, and then a curse from Tony.

“Kid what were you thinking?” There was anger in his voice, and Peter would’ve flinched if his body wasn’t hurting so much.

“Bad guys, had to stop them.” It was all he could mutter, and when he did, he could taste the blood in his mouth.

“Not six guys with crazy tech!” Tony practically yelled, which was murder on Peter’s ears.

Silence, then a sigh. “Come on, let’s get you to the complex and cleaned up.”

“What about the guys?” Despite everything hurting, Peter wanted to make sure they had been stopped.

“They had some kind of tech that took out my suit for a bit. The others should be tracking them, they won’t get far.”

“Mkay…” It was the only response Peter could come up with. Now that his adrenaline was dying, everything was starting to hurt even more, which didn’t seem possible. Darkness started creeping over him and he couldn’t find the strength to fight it.

A dull pain. That was the first thing Peter woke to. The next thing he noticed was the beeping coming from somewhere off to his side. Then he pried an eye open, only to close it at the brightness of the room. After a second, he forced himself to open both eyes, and then he saw the room – an infirmary room in the complex.

How had he gotten here? He tried to piece together what had happened before he blacked out, but it was all fuzzy. He had a vague memory of talking to Mr. Stark but…that couldn’t be right, could it?

“About time you woke up.”

The voice sounded from his side and Peter quickly looked for its source, but regretted the movement as soon as he did.

“Easy.”

Peter spotted Tony as he spoke again, and he froze. “I…what…”

Mr. Stark held up a hand. “First things first. You’re grounded.”

“Wha-?”

“Second.” Tony continued as if he hadn’t been interrupted. “I’m taking away your suit.”

“What! No! You can’t do that!” Peter sat up, wincing at the pain, and a hand helped ease him down so he was lying back again.

“Yes, I can. I made the suit and you ran blindly into a fight that you had no chance of winning. If you can’t use it properly, then you shouldn’t have it. Or fight, hence the grounded part.”

“What? Wha…what about training?” Peter felt himself deflating. He had been trying to prove he was ready for more, and now he had lost everything.

A shake of the head. “No suit, no training.”

The simple words hurt, not as much as the strange weapon, but…almost as much. If he wasn’t training, how long would it be until he was sent away again?

Peter didn’t realize tears were building up in his eyes, until the world started going fuzzy. Shame grew inside of him. Heroes didn’t cry. But then again, he wasn’t really a hero anymore, was he?

A sigh from Mr. Stark. “You should rest up.” A hand patted his shoulder, but Peter barely felt it. He was going to lose everything again, and it was all his fault.

He tried to hold back the tears, he managed for a few seconds. But each moment he fought it, the pain in his body grew, until everything hurt, and then a sob escaped his mouth. Covering his mouth, he tried to stifle it, but it was no use. Another sob, then another as the tears fell from his eyes.

“Pete? Hey…it’s okay.” Mr. Stark’s voice was soft, he almost sounded worried, but Peter barely registered that.

“No it-it’s not I-I thought I could…I could prove myself, but-but then I…” Another sob.

“You don’t need to prove yourself.”

“Yes I do! That-that’s the whole reason I-I’m here.”

“Peter, what…? What are you talking about?” There was genuine confusion in Tony’s voice, but Peter didn’t register it, all he could think about was going to a new home, of being sent back into the world, lost and alone.

“Spider-spider-man…I, he…he’s why I-I’m here.”

Silence. Only the beeps of the machine next to him broke it, and each moment drove Peter deeper and deeper into the reality of it all. He had ruined it all, and now he was going to have to leave. The complex was only for heroes, he didn’t belong there anymore.

“Peter.”

The seriousness of Mr. Stark’s voice pulled Peter out of his thoughts, and he found himself looking up at Tony – a true hero. The man Peter had looked up to for so many years.

“I didn’t adopt you because you’re Spider-man.”

It was the last thing Peter expected to hear. “You…you didn’t?”

“Of course not!” Tony tossed a hand up as if it was obvious. “Ever since you left all those years ago I…I wondered if I had made a mistake. I told myself it was the right call, that you would be fine. And then I found out all that happened to you, all I could’ve prevented if I had just swallowed my pride and fought to get you back. I let you go once and you suffered for it. I couldn’t let that happen again.”

Peter’s sobs had eased a little, but as Tony spoke, he found tears welling up in his eyes again, but this time they weren’t fueled by fear. “So…you…you aren’t going to send me back?” Peter could barely get the words out, but he had to know.

Mr. Stark placed a hand of Peter’s shoulder. “Pete, someone would literally have to fight me if they wanted to put you back in the system.”

“Really?”

“Yup, and good luck to them, because I have plenty of suits and a lot of money to-”

It was too good to be true. But relief, hope, happiness – more emotions than Peter could process – flooded his system and he found himself doing something he never thought he would do. He flung his arms around Mr. Stark and hugged him tight. And then the impossible. Tony hugged him back.

Tears fell from Peter’s eyes, but this time, they didn’t hurt. Because he had been wrong. The complex might not be a normal home, and maybe Mr. Stark wasn’t a typical guardian, but as a hand ran through his hair he knew that it was where he belonged.

#peter parker #tony stark #dad tony #iron fam #mcu #peter and tony #iron dad #iron dad and spider son #mcu au #mcu fanfiction #marvel cinematic universe #mcu fanfic #i don't know what else to tag this as...i'm so tired zzzzzz #i'l post on ao3 tomorrow i'm too tired tonight xD #my writing #my fics

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quiesphere · 6 years

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2017 Art Summary (template)

When I look at my previous art summaries, I think, "It's already been a year? Two years?!"... I'm surprised at how much I still like some of these pieces. But since I made art summaries for these last two years, why not make one this year too?

Even though I've been super busy because of uni I managed to draw many things this year, I hope I'll be able to draw even more next year! I'm still struggling with my lenghty art process but I feel like I'm becoming better at it little by little. I can put aside perfectionism now and just, draw and paint with good results, yay! \o/

January - Piece: Tilde of the Forest I have to admit, I like this one a lot!! I wish I had added some sort of texture, but I want to think it's already fine as it is so it doesn't look too convoluted. I'm glad I managed to make it give off the feeling I wanted it to have. I'm not sure if the forest Tilde lives in will look exactly like this, but I hope to make an area like this in one of my games someday. Making detailed forest maps is super hard, but I'll do my best! ´A`)9

February - Piece: Carmilla I... barely drew anything this month (mostly stuff I finished the next month). So I picked up this drawing I had done a while ago in pencil and colored it! I really wanted to play FGO back then, but couldn't, but thanks to FGO NA I can now! I've been playing for a while, and I even got her. :') Sometimes dreams do come true. About the drawing itself, I like how it reminds me a bit of a painting, especially the reds. It got so few response when I posted it that I felt like there might be something wrong with it, but now I still like it regardless! \o/

March - Piece: Sisterly Hatred Finally, a month with more stuff! I was able to draw a lot of Touhou this month thanks to requests on Twitter. ;v; I really missed drawing Touhou!! It's one of my favorite sagas, so I'm glad I drew quite a lot of it this year. The stars this month are the two paintings I drew from Pocket Mirror, though! I really like these two! Special mention to Cynthia too! (I also started posting my adoptables this month! Yay!)

April - Piece: Wicked Hermit Touhou! This one was also one of the requests, but I decided to go a bit wild with it and ended up making it more detailed. I wanted to draw a pretty Seiga anyways, so I took the chance. She's pretty high up on my favorite Touhous ranking. ;v; The background was completely improvised, but it looks surprisingly well. I really like how it came out! (After SAI crashing and making me lose all the shading once, it better be... orz)

May - Piece: Cecillia This one doesn't even have an actual title since it's just a doodle, but since I barely drew anything this month, here it is! Though it does have something special (other than it being a tribute for my favorite OC's birthday! I love her!!), and it's that I drew it in a very very short time while still looking nice. A bit closer to my process goal. ;v; It... it's really going to be two years since I created her next May? Time sure goes by fast...

June - Piece: Lynerea I actually started this one on May and only finished the last touches in June, but since I was very busy with my third year uni project this month I didn't draw anything else other than adoptables. However, I really, really like the result! It doesn't look like the usual expressions I draw, and it's a bit of a more dynamic stance. The background was also completely improvised, including the magic circles... I'm still not sure how I drew them (magic??), but I'm super happy with it. I want to make more drawings like this, with people casting magic in cool poses... yeah B)

July - Piece: Yukari I have to confess, I really disliked how this drawing was looking while I was working on it. I find coloring blonde hair a bit harder than colors like red or green (my favorites to color), and since there was so much of it... Other than that, I felt like it really looked more simple than what I had in mind. It took me quite a lot of tries to get motivated enough to finish it (since I dislike leaving drawings unfinished even more!) However, after finishing it, I feel like it's not that bad at all! I'm glad I did. I have to learn that simple doesn't equal bad. ;v; (The hair still gives me nightmares, though!!)

August - Piece: Forget-me-not Another piece that took several years off my lifespan, but for a really good cause. I got so tired of looking at it, and I was even planning on coloring all these flowers one by one at the beginning (thanks copypaste for saving me from this torture). But after finishing, it's probably one of my favorites so far, especially the upper left corner! I like that flower section specifically. This character has her own story which I have pretty much developed, but I've got to finish other projects first. She's not the protagonist, though! I also opened (pixel) commissions for the first time. I do plan on opening illustration commissions in the future, though! (I'm growing up! \o/)

September - Piece: Rose Queen I!! GOT!! ROSETTA!! I sparked her on August after having been saving up since January. I really wanted to draw something to celebrate so there she is! I actually made two different sketches, one for this drawing and one for an alternate version I finished later. This one took wayyy too long, so I decided to just go ahead and post it before finishing the other. To be honest, she's probably my favorite character out of, like, anything, so I really wish I could draw her more frequently. ;v; I feel like I overworked the coloring in this one a bit, though. I hope I get to draw her well someday... on the other hand, I spent a lot of this month working on my cosplay of her. Gotta show my love however I can. /)v(\

October - Piece: Ran More Touhou!! Ran was the last one of the Touhou requests I got many months before. I wanted to draw her with Yukari (and a bonus Chen) at first, but couldn't get the sketch right. In the end, I gave up and drew her by herself, though it also took a bunch of tries! I'm also proud of Peony, which is another drawing that barely took me any time to finish. I managed to sacrifice a lot of perfectionism in this one, and it made me feel like I had taken a step forward.

November - Piece: Flower Master of the Four Seasons I actually drew this one on paper on summer, even before HSiFS came out! I wanted to color it before then but in the end time passed, I drew other things and forgot about it a bit. After that, it suffered a bit like my Yukari drawing on July... I tried to work on it because I didn't want to leave it unfinished (and because Yuuka is my favorite Touhou character!). I wasn't very happy with the result, and lost a lot of motivation. But in the end, I decided to just go simple and do what I could. And it worked! The background I was scared to face became a few strokes, and in the end I managed to have fun with the coloring. I like this drawing a lot now. I think about this every time I dislike my works in progress; that maybe after finishing I'll look at them with other eyes.

December - Piece: Undead Relic I had hoped to draw more this month before it ended, but I just took a lot of time to finish a single drawing that is not this one... oh well. ;v; This is another piece that I managed to finish in a short time with good results!! I hadn't drawn Reliquia in some time. Now that I look at her, I notice that she doesn't actually have that much hair... I just go way too overboard when drawing hair... orz

I.. I sure wrote a lot this year, didn’t I? It feels like it's kind of an overview of my year and the things I’ve felt and thought about. Thank you so much if you’ve read my ramblings so far!!

Onwards to a hopefully great, art-filled 2018! \o/

#illydnart #art summary #2017 art summary #improvement

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thewinsisterchronicles · 7 years

Text

Do You have Any Idea?

Tags list: @zeusmyster @mogaruke @emfrodo @assbutt-still-in-hell @spn67-sister @bluewhisperstale @littlewinchester67 @sammysbeanie

Prompt by @winchesters-favorite-girl : Do you have any idea how worried I was?

A/N: ok so this turned out to be WAYYY longer than I thought it would and I’m (sort of?) sorry for how it ended but if you want I might be able to make a second part if you ask for it

Dean jolted as his phone vibrated on the nightstand next to him, startling him awake. He sighed as he threw off the covers, not even trying to be quiet for Y/N on the other bed. For a hunter, she was a pretty damn deep sleeper.

Groggily, he grabbed his phone off the table. He instantly became alert when he read Dad on the caller ID.

“Hello-” Dean started.

“About damn time,” John grumbled. “Been ringing for an hour.”

“Sorry sir-” Dean tried to no avail.

“Whatever.” He heard shuffling on the other end of the line. “Listen, I need you to drop everything and drive to Omaha. Now.”

“I’ll wake Y/N and we’ll be out there in five hours-” Dean had started to get up and move to his sister when John stopped him.

“No.”

Dean froze, unsure how to respond. He frowned.

“What, uh,” he cleared his throat, “what do you mean?”

“I mean don’t bring Y/N,” John growled. “She’ll just slow everything down, and I need you now. Get your ass here in three hours.”

Click.

Dean slowly brought the phone down from his face. He glanced over at Y/N’s figure; silent, asleep, waiting to wake up to Dean’s rock music that she always pretended to hate (Dean wouldn’t know better if he hadn’t caught her- on multiple occasions- singing along to the music).

Dean couldn’t just leave her. But he had to.

Grabbing his duffle and shoving in some clothes, he bolted for the door.

In his rush, he didn’t even notice that he accidentally took Y/N’s only phone with him, too.

Y/N woke on edge. Something was wrong. It was eerily quiet- too quiet, if she knew Dean. There was either a prank or monster involved, and she wasn’t sure which one she preferred.

Stealthily moving her arm under her pillow, she grasped her gun. Taking a breath, she abruptly sat up, eyes wildly searching for a threat. When she found none, Y/N stood up. She kept the gun, though. Something still wasn’t right.

It was Dean. He was gone.

Instantly she became alert. Dean was never gone. He never went anywhere unless without telling Y/N unless he absolutely had to; even then, he always left some kind of hint. But there was none.

Did Dean go on a supply run? She wondered. It was only 8am.

Maybe he needed to leave,

she thought to herself.

Help dad.

Y/N frowned. If dad needed help, why wouldn’t she have come along? She didn’t even mess up the past couple hunts they went on.

“Just call them,” she muttered to herself. Striding towards the kitchen with gun in hand, she moved to where she last remembered her phone being.

It wasn’t there.

Now Y/N was really starting to panic. Dean was gone, with no note as to where he was, and she couldn’t find her phone. It was…

Well, shitty, to say the least.

“Dean,” Y/N sighed worriedly, “what did you do?“

19 days.

That’s how long Y/N was alone for.

There had been no contact from Dean or her father, and she couldn’t use any of the phonebooths in town because ‘no one had used them in years so it was time to take them down.’ She didn’t even have a vehicle.

So Y/N did the only thing she knew how to do.

She waited.

Waited for an answer. Waited for a hunt. Waited for a familiar face.

She ate with whatever she could buy for $100 from the guys she had hustled when she and Dean went to the bar. she would’ve gotten more if Dean hadn’t punched the guy she was playing for looking down her shirt.

She felt better afterwards, though.

The $100 burned through pretty quickly, so she had resorted to hustling again. There was no one to get save her from the creepy bar men, so that terrified her, but hey; you gotta do what you gotta do.

She was deciding whether to get food or save for when she was really hungry when there was a knock on the door.

Tap, tap tap, tap.

She heaved a breath of relief. That was Dean’s knock. Her eyes widened.

Dean.

Holding her gun to the back of the door, she opened it a bit.

“Dean-” she began, but stopped herself short. Y/N had meant to rip him a new one, but it appeared that someone had already tried to.

Her brother was covered in scars and blood, caked in slime and sweat and dirt. He smelled awful, worse than words could describe. She was taken aback at his appearance. He’d never been like this before.

“Hey,” he croaked out. His voice was soft and raw, telling a million stories all wrapped up in just one word.

“Dean!” Y/N breathed out. “What the hell- where did you- I…” she rubbed the back of her hand against her forehead. “Damn it. Get your ass in here.” Dean smiled softly at her, waiting for her to explode at him. He knew she’d be concerned first.

They were family, after all.

Silently she worked, cleaning his wounds and applying bandages and stitching him up. She didn’t say a word, didn’t look him in the eyes. Dean wasn’t sure if he wanted her to. Y/N wiped away the last of his blood from his forehead before putting away the first aid kit. She walked to the kitchen, bringing back a glass of water.

“Drink,” she instructed. Dean drank.

“So-” he began. “Nope.” She answered. “Y/N, you’re obviously mad at me here,” Dean tried.

“Oh, look!” Y/N mocked. “Detective Dean here finally figured something out! Do it again; it was a great trick.”

“Y/N,” he sighed. “Listen, I’m sorry. Dad called and I- I had to go. He just told me…”

“What?” Y/N questioned. “What did he say?”

“Nothing,” Dean said quickly. “Dad didn’t say anything about you.”

“I never said that it had anything to do with me,” Y/N glared. “You left me, Dean. Don’t lie to me, too.”

“Alright,” he conceded, “fine. Dad said to meet him in Omaha for a hunt. When I mentioned waking you up, he told me… Dad said he didn’t want you to come.”

Y/N was shocked. She shouldn’t have been, since this was coming from her father. But hearing it from Dean…

It felt worse.

“Oh.” It was all she could muster. She shook her head, sitting across from him. “Well, that doesn’t matter as much as you leaving without so much as a warning. What were you thinking? You took my phone, took the laptop, took pretty much damn everything except for me, a gun, and $100 from hustling we did a couple weeks ago. I had to go back there to get more money-”

“What?” Dean stood up. “Did anybody try anything with you? I swear I’m gonna rip their lungs out-”

“Oh, so now you care?” Y/N raised her voice, catching Dean by surprise. She stood you, jabbing her finger at his chest. “I was alone for two and a half weeks with not nearly enough money to keep me going, and you have the audacity- the nerve-to come back and ask if someone tried something? Unbelievable. Of course,” she added on, seeing him open his mouth, “so was you leaving me without a note or anything, so I really shouldn’t be surprised.”

“Y/N,” Dean said, impatient. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize it was this big of a deal. If I had known…” he trailed off.

It was quiet for a minute. Dean wanted to reach out and comfort Y/N, but he knew that any movement towards her would result in her shuffling away from him.

He wasn’t sure he could bear to see it.

“Do you have any idea how worried I was?” Y/N finally whispered into her hands. She was leaning against the table, trying to calm down but failing miserably. “You were… I was alone. Scared. With no clue as to where you went or when you were coming back.” Her voice lowered an octave. “If you were coming back.” Dean swallowed thickly, looking away from his baby sister and clamping a hand over his mouth.

“Y/N,” he croaked, looking back at her. She didn’t look back at him. “Y/N-”

“No.” She stood up, not even sparing him a glance. “You don’t get to talk. You left me; just like Sam, just like dad.”

Y/N knew she had crossed a line, talking about Sam and Dad, but she didn’t care.

“If I had known…” Dean trailed off. “Y/N, I thought-”

“That’s your problem!” Y/N snapped. “You don’t think, and I always have to make up for it, or pretend that it’s okay. It’s not. And I don’t know how to make you listen.” She grabbed her coat, walking over to the door.

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” Dean asked, angry.

“Don’t worry,” she said, jaw tense. “I don’t leave family.”

She slammed the door without so much as another word. Dean missed her grabbing her phone and gun before she left. He certainly didn’t hear her steal a car.

•••

It had been too long.

Only three hours, keep in mind, but too long.

Dean heaved a sigh. There were a thousand places to go, and he didn’t know where his baby sister would be. The least he could do was call her to trace the phone and find out where she was. He didn’t waste a second before calling her number. She picked up on the third ring.

“Dean-” she sighed.

“I thought you said you didn’t leave family,” he asked, trying desperately to reign in his anger.

“I don’t.” Her voice was monotone. She held no emotion in her words.

“But you left me,” he prodded.

“I know.”

Dean felt like he had been stabbed. No, he had been stabbed before; this was worse. It felt like a thousand hands were ripping him limb from limb, like the devil himself was carving every word she spoke to the most fragile parts of him, inside and out.

“Y/N-” he croaked.

“Goodbye, Dean,” she said. He almost missed her voice wobble. Y/N sighed. “I’ll come back. I just need time.” “Y/N-”

Click.

They both pretended not to cry that night.

•••

That didn’t actually happen. There was no way that Dean could’ve messed up that badly. He was always looking out for Y/N. It couldn’t have happened.

But it did.

And that’s what he thought every single moment after the phone conversation.

Dean didn’t even care that his dad was going to kill him. He didn’t care that he had failed his duty as her older brother. He didn’t give a damn about what Sam would’ve said-

Sam.

He would never know about how it was Dean’s fault. Hell, Dean probably wouldn’t even know anything for a long time.

Not unless she picked up.

Dean hurriedly scrolled through his phone, hoping, dialing her number and praying, that she’d pick up.

It went to voicemail. Y/N’s cheery voice rang through.

This is Y/N private cell! Please leave your monster and a memo, and I’ll get right back to you.

A beep! followed her voice. Dean took a moment before saying anything.

“Y/N.” His voice broke. He coughed, but it didn’t change anything. “Y/N, I’m sorry. I should’ve said it earlier, but I…” he chuckled wetly. “You know how bad I am at apologies. I’m not trying to make an excuse, ‘cause I know you’ve heard enough, but I just thought…”

Dean’s mind flashed back to their earlier fight.

That’s your problem! Y/N had screamed at him. You don’t think, and I always have to make up for it, or pretend that it’s okay. It’s not. And I don’t know how to make you listen.

“I didn’t think,” his voice softened, “and that was my first mistake. But now I’m thinking, and I…” He had trouble carrying on. His voice was wet and dry simultaneously, cracked and raw and a thousand other things he didn’t have time to describe.

“Come back,” he pleaded. “I know I should’ve said a million things back when… When we were still together. But I’m going to say them now, because you deserve to hear them.”

The tears had spilled over his eyelids now, rolling down his cheeks faster than he could wipe them away. He gazed longingly at the bottle on the nightstand beside him, but drew his attention back to his phone, back to Y/N.

“I failed you,” he whispered. His voice was wet, and it cracked on the last word. “I failed my baby sister, and I don't…” He ran a hand down his face. He tried to focus on breathing, but his breath was coming in raggedly.

“Y/N.” Shuddering breaths took up space between his words. “Y/N, baby girl, I am so, so sor-”

Click.

The message stopped recording.

Dean slid down the wall, thumping his head against it. The tears were coming in waves now: no matter how hard he tried, they still managed to spill over. He clumsily grabbed for the liquor bottle on the bedside table. He drained it of its contents, revelling in the way the whiskey burned down his throat.

He fell asleep like that; nursing an empty bottle, watching the blurred car lights as they drovepast the window and illuminated the room. His thoughts were everywhere, focused on everything and only one thing: his family.

He failed his dad. He wanted Dean to be the perfect soldier, a boy fighting a war without asking for instructions but taking orders anyways. His dad wanted a warrior, but got a coward.

He failed Sam, too. The boy he swore he’d protect. From the moment he had carried his baby brother from the fire till the moment he set foot out the door for Stanford, Dean always thought that he was there for his little brother. Now that he thought about it, Sam had alway been the crutch for Dean. Dean always felt like he had to be strong for Sam, but he couldn’t even hold it together when his baby brother left for college. His brother needed a hero, someone to side with him, but he got a silent bystander. Pathetic.

And Y/N. That probably hurt Dean the most. Everyone had left him: his father, when John had left for days– or even weeks– on end; his brother, when he went to Stanford or talked about ‘getting out of the life,’ like he and Dean could do it together; every single damn friend or family member that ever knew or met him.

But not Y/N.

Never Y/N.

She was always there for him, always watching and monitoring him like she knew exactly what he was thinking, or what his next actions were. She always knew. Y/N was there for Dean when he acted like he didn’t want her to be, always pretended that she didn’t know his weakness because he didn’t like having them. She only needed a brother. One who stayed by his side. That was all she ever asked.

And he couldn’t do it.

But now she was gone too. Because he left her. And there wasn’t a damn thing he could do about it.

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nerdymedzebra · 4 years

Text

Round up of my mentions of MCAS reactions

“ Escape to the mountains for breathable air! I know grass makes my throat swell up and my chest get tight, but but I've not known what my other triggers are. Til recently. I downloaded the weather Channel app on my phone and now it alerts me during Ozone Action/Warning Days, and woops, they match up with my swelling, too. So this weekend I saw that the grass pollen was high AND it was an ozone action day, and tho I hate using the car on such days, my house apparently doesn't protect me from bad air (and I sure as heck can't afford an air purifier) so I just needed to escape. Picture 2 is just outside of Boulder, where I live, and my throat was already swelling up before we made it out of the area. But by the time we got into the mountains, it was calming down again.thank goodness! And TG for accessible overlooks, like in Pics 1 & 3! No hiking required to see prettiness. :) “

“ Whoa there, face. You look like you've been outside in the cold for an hour.. But I haven't left my couch all day! It's hard to get with this annoying portrait filter I can't turn off, but you can see the diff between my face and neck. I usually look much more pallid and anemic! ) I always say I have very little skin involvement with#MCAS (and I've only had hives once in my life) but I wonder how much of that is true and how much is just me not putting two and two together before. Like, my face has felt hot all day, I used to call this "fevering", but I've recently realized it's only my face that's hot and red, so it's prolly MCAS flushing, not a fever at all. Which is interesting that before I had an app for it, the only way I knew I was about to start my period is that I'd get one of these "fevers" for an hour or two the night before! I must be reactive to one of my own gd hormones. 😅😅😅 Yup, sounds like an MCAS thing! As I'm on my period now, (tho I don't think I usually am flushed at this poiny/for this long) and my stomach still feels full of good from yesterday, and who knows what else, but maybe I'm just reacting to a bunch of stuff. My face is redder irl, and I startled myself a few minutes ago when I went to the bathroom and saw my face. I've NEVER seen it this red while just sitting around the house! “

“ Oops I ate an often-trigger food without tacking my Cromolyn first. :( I feel like I have a fever and my belly is angeryyyy. Sighhh. “

MCAS & Cromolyn

(Jan 2019)

#MCAS: where normal food can make you shiver violently while your face blazes and your stomach thinks it's been poisoned.

Woops forgot to take my Cromolyn Sodium before eating. ☹️😷😱☠️

Also, this is what it looks like. Supposed to take 2 viles 4x a day, but I have yet to remember all 4 even once. :-x

Edit 1 hour later: my stomach and face have calmed down, but now my heart rate Is in the 130s as I'm laying here, and I feel like if I open my mouth I'll be like a megaphone and the sound of my speeding, thumping heart would loudly reverberate through the house.. It honest to God feels like my heart has grown wings and is violently trying to escape my chest.

“ Ok you can't really tell here, but my face is rosy. I'm wondering if these random few-hour "fevers" I've always gotten are really jus t flushing? Does your face feel warm and tight and similar to when your fevering when you're flushing from #MCAS? Or Allergies? We are house sitting a doggo, but I'm allergic, and I'm feeling it way more than I have before when we've watched him! Waaah. "I need vogmask, but for my eyes!" Me, earlier. “

“ Wait, what?! I react to freshly cut grass exactly the same in all months. Could it really be from different things?! Although maybe I do react differently. I feel wayyy itchier lately and maybe less swollen sinus cavity & throat, but I've only recent started noticing how itchy I get when I'm walking outside, particularly if I'm sweating even minutely, which could mean it's started up recently, or not. Adhd makes it so hard to keep track of symptoms :( :/ Fwiw, I think the same allergy test that told me I was allergic to grass said mold as well... 🤔 This post brought to you by my overwhelming need to scratch all my skin off. (Also my skin doesn't seem to really turn red til I scratch it, then it gets v angry btw). #allergy #GrassAllergy “

“ Ugh, motility issues are more than just delayed!! My psych had me request a emptying study from my GI to check for RAPID emptying (bc my meds don't work if I eat with them and she needs the results for dose adjustments) but this report is clearly looking only for delayed. Now, I sometimes do experience delayed for a few days a month, but I don't mind it much, it's the rapid that screws with my meds and makes it risky to eat at a restaurant without hanging around a half hour afterwards in case I have to run to the bathroom (in those cases my dysautonomia (and pain) also flares while my stomach is emptying, then I seem to get hit with reactive hypoglycemia or whatever it's called. Ugh.) Nausea is only a small symptom a few times a month, max, yet it is THE symptom on this test. Annoying. As I said day-of, my stomach was behaving that day, so I'm not surprised it was normal, but from the penciled in average emptying time I found, it does suggest that even when it's not acting up, it is a bit faster than normal. “

“Post treadmill stress test dinner. Vegan Pad Thai. It's been almost two hours and my muscles are still goop and I'm still extra shakey. My body did not approve. I'm surprised I made it a whole 5 minutes tho, tbh. “

“ Reverse progression of my chest today. I just now took the first picture. I removed the electrodes 6 hours ago, and boy, my body still wants it to be known that, I guess the gel that was over the round electrode itself, And to a lesser extent, the sticky stuff, was v annoying. When I first took the Holter monitor off, it was really only red on the circle bits, and where I'd been scratching (see pic 3). But then once they were off, I scratched a bunch because OMG, and that left me super red itself (pic 2) now where the sticky bits were seem red too. Is this normal, or allergies or mast cell (I've never been tested for it, but I think I should be) or what. 6 hours seems a long time to still be so red! “

Gastro follow up: Endoscopy, MCAS talk!

(Apr 2018)

During the appointment I told her that I had less rapid gastric emptying than I had been before, but more constipation and fullness-- but especially BLOATING.

I don't think I fully realized how frequently I have the sensation of bloating or stomach discomfort, because, I have noticed, when I experience it, I instinctively... eat... MORE. Especially crappy foods that frequently cause the rapid gastric emptying symptoms. That makes sense, but it's interesting to realize since I was doing it pretty unconsciously! But it hasn't been super helpful lately AND I've gained 10lbs in the last month alone! (after having gained 30+lbs in the ~8 months prior!)

And finally, I told her that I had been reading up on Mast Cell Activation Syndrome/Disease lately and it's fairly likely that I have it, and it seems to have a huge effect on the GI system. Surprisingly, her eyes widened a bit and she said that, in fact, she had just been to a conference this weekend, and they talked about Mast Cells as a cause of Functional GI Disorders! So, she said she will read up more on MCAS & EDS/HSD and how they influence the GI system.

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gastricpierrot · 7 years

Text

Title: Here

Series: Tokyo Ghoul

Pairing: HideKane

Rating: G

Note: this was written wayyy back in January for the zine so there are things that doesn’t line up with canon. there are also hints of Investigator!Hide because you can pry this trope off my cold dead hands-

At eight years old, it was a place where bonds were first formed.

It was Hide’s favourite place before it was his, the whale slide at the playground nearby that one fast-food chain. He was brought there three days after Hide first approached him in the classroom, Hide claiming that sharing was the best first step for strong friendships. They each bought themselves a cone of soft-serve ice cream, and a large packet of chips to share between them. It was evening, the setting sun casting an orange glow across the darkening sky.

“What’s your favourite time of the day?” Hide asked not long after they settled down under the dome of the big whale slide, the first of the many insignificant things they would later exchange between many bites of fried potato. Flecks of orange danced in his eyes, played across his skin, hair, and clothes.

And dusk, he’d replied without giving it much thought, not knowing how that single answer would grow truer and truer as time went by. Dusk because it meant getting home to a delicious dinner after a long day of school. Dusk because it meant being able to spend his time reading in the comfort of his own bed. Dusk because the setting sun is so, so pretty.

Dusk because it’s at dusk that he gained himself his first friend.

At eight years old, it was a place of beginnings.

xXx

At nine years old, it was a place of escape.

His mother began acting strangely around then; her hours spent working odd jobs increasing in length, her time spent with him at home depleting, her temper more and more unstable.

The first time he thought of the slide as a refuge, his arms and legs were already covered in bruises.

“Can we stay a little longer?”

He hadn’t felt that way before; the reluctance to return home, the nagging need to be away. The fear rooting deep within him as a result of his mother’s actions. Was he afraid of her? Never. Until then. Until around half a year back when his aunt barged into their lives and made his mother work like a slave for her sake.

Along with that fear, something else began growing in the darkest corners of his heart.

Hide stared at him in surprise upon hearing his words—perhaps the first selfish request he’d ever asked of him—but he did not pry. All he did was ease back onto his spot on the ground and take his hand gently in his own, saying nothing at all as he gazed towards the dimming horizon and watched the windows of distant buildings light up one by one. His touch was warm, comforting, grounding.

They’re enough to make him think that maybe, just maybe, even the hardest, most painful and difficult days could be bearable as long as he had him.

“I’m here,” Hide said eventually. Even though he hadn’t told him a thing. But that’s alright; he’s sure he doesn’t mind. He’s sure he’s willing to wait for him to be ready before asking for answers.

“I know. Thank you, Hide.”

If it’s Hide, he’s sure he would understand.

xXx

At ten years old, it was a place of mourning.

The ceremony was over. His mother’s body had been cremated. The guests had left. He’d already started packing to leave the little apartment he once shared with his only remaining family. He was to move into his aunt’s house soon.

The same aunt who killed his mother.

It was only until they were sitting under the whale slide that he realized Hide had brought him there the moment he came over to his place. Dried leaves crunched under their feet when they shifted. Gray clouds hung low in the air, dotting the autumn sky in shapeless blobs. It’s cold. It’s the coldest autumn he’d ever experienced.

Hide remained quiet the entire time they were there, not saying a word even when the lump in his throat became too overwhelming, even when the tears started welling up and he could do nothing but curl up and cry and cry until the pain in his chest ebbed away and it felt like he’s left with nothing but an empty shell. Though I’m here, Hide seemed to be telling him despite his silence, despite the little distance he put between them as they sat under the shelter of painted plaster for hours and hours as though time no longer mattered. I’m here. He’s here.

He’s the only one he had left then.

xXx

At thirteen years old, it was once again a place of escape.

And also a place of peace, of solace. The tentativeness he once had was gone; the intention to run away was earnest this time. Desperate, even. He couldn’t stand it; the underlying hostility in that household, the way his aunt and uncle regarded him like he’s something picked from the trash when they thought he wasn’t looking, the whispers about him exchanged between the family of three when they thought he wasn’t around to hear.

He wasn’t wanted, and he knew. He knew it too well. They weren’t being as subtle as they try to portray themselves to be, after all.

“You don’t look so good, Kaneki. Are you eating properly?”

At least he still had one constant even after all the drastic changes he had no choice but to go through. Well, two, if he included the whale slide. Hide followed him to his current middle school, claiming there’s no way he’s going to leave him so soon. It was close to his house anyway so there’s no problem, he added with a reassuring grin and a pat on his back. It’s okay, I’ll be here.

Words could never describe the sheer amount of gratefulness he felt towards his best friend for willingly staying by his side despite all that’s happened. Hide warded off the darkness and illuminated the days that seemed to grow duller and duller as they passed. He stayed by him without question nor comment, always waiting for him to tell him whatever he felt like telling him. Always careful not to breach that fine boundary they’d subconsciously set between them over the years.

“Ah, I’m just tired, Hide.” A tap on his chin. “Don’t worry about it.”

Still, he couldn’t help thinking how much better it’d be if he could finally find the courage to open up to him.

xXx

At fifteen years old, they could no longer fit under the dome of the slide.

It was, after all, made to fit children and not a couple of boys undergoing puberty. He just started growing taller, overtaking Hide’s height for the first time since they met. Hide, of course, did not miss the chance to make a huge fuss out of it. He drank milk every morning; it’s not fair that he’s growing and he’s not, he once complained while motioning wildly with his hands. It was definitely an amusing period.

His triumph didn’t last too long, though. Hide’s height shot up a solid inch within the month, and another within the next two, once more overtaking his. In his case, on the other hand, it seemed like it’d taken his body everything to simply gain that three vertical centimetres over the past six months. He’d grown taller, sure, but Hide kept telling him he’s also losing weight. He’d been subtly trying to help him gain some back by frequently buying him meals without letting him know beforehand so he didn’t even have the chance to protest.

‘Subtle’ became Hide’s way of doing things for him over the years. He always knew where to look for him in the library after his club activities ended so they could leave together, scouted for convenience stores with the most delicious (and affordable) takeaways, and stayed with him at their usual hangout until the sun retired for the day and the moon took its turn illuminating the Earth. Even after so long, he’d only been able to tell him the barest minimum—like how he wasn’t exactly welcomed in the Asaoka’s household and how his aunt didn’t like him very much—for fear of burdening him with problems that should be none of his concern, but Hide had seemingly been able to piece most things together himself. He never did ask for further explanations while doing all those little, insignificant things for him.

“Won’t your parents worry about you if you stay out so late?” He asked once, lying on his back at the top of the slide. It’s their new spot now since going under it would only result in bumps on their heads, some bruises, and a string of creative cusses from Hide. Hide was silent for a beat, his gaze trained towards the clouded skies above. His expression was strangely… forlorn. Distant, pensive. It’s not one he’s very familiar with.

“It’s fine. They’re always home late anyways, so I’ll be safe from an earful as long as I get back before they do.”

That was the first time he wondered if Hide too, was lonely.

xXx

At seventeen years old, it was a place of hopes and dreams.

“I can’t wait to graduate,” Hide sighed dreamily one night as he traced his finger in the air from one bright star to another. He shifted, glancing at him through the corner of his eye.

“Because you can’t stand seeing Class 5’s Masada’s face for another year more?” he asked, a hint of mirth in his voice. He laughed when Hide visibly cringed.

“Yeah, well, there’s that but,” Hide made a dismissive gesture, “more importantly, we’re legally adults once we get out of high school, remember? Don’t you know what that means?”

“You won’t have to endure seeing Masada anymore?”

“Will you quit reminding me of him already, Kaneki!” Hide protested with a playful smack on his arm, eliciting yet another laugh from him. Still, the atmosphere between them was quick to sober up. They were both fully aware of what graduation implied. Hope, freedom, escape. A new beginning, a new phase.

“What do you think about sharing an apartment with me next time?” Hide then asked, casually. Even though he should know how it could simply end up as a wistful thought. Something’s bound to come up and get in their way. He couldn’t even be sure which universities they were planning on attending and if they’d still remain physically close to each other at that point. He didn’t want to get his hopes up. And yet…

“That sounds fun,” he said, a tiny smile playing across his lips. Hide pushed himself up on his elbows, and turned to gaze down at him with eyes alight with a sort of childish excitement.

“It really does—it’ll be like living under this slide for real!”

Living under the whale slide was a silly childhood dream of theirs, one born from the mutual enjoyment of each other’s company and the unspoken solitude of a home lacking a certain sense of warmth. Those were simpler times. Those were the times when problems could be solved by simply being under a dome of plaster and staring at the sky with their hands held in each other’s. Those were the times they could no longer return to.

“I hope we’ll at least be able to find something more spacious, though,” he added with a small laugh, a slight sting in his chest. He truly did wish for this one dream to come true someday under all the right circumstances, despite everything.

“Hmm, you’re right.” Hide covered his mouth in thought, nodding. “We’ll need some space for a doggie, after all.”

And at that, he laughed once more. “Who said anything about a doggie?”

To which Hide then responded with an exaggerated look of confusion at his direction. “I did. Weren’t you listening?”

Those were all dreams too far from his reach.

xXx

At nineteen years old, he stopped going there with Kaneki.

Or perhaps it’d be more accurate to say that it’s Kaneki who stopped going there with him. He, on the other hand, still stubbornly dropped by every night for at least thirty minutes or so in hopes of his best friend showing up. It’d been two months since Kaneki officially went missing, two months since he upped and left without a word. He never reappeared once.

Yet he kept going there and waited. And waited. And waited still. Because he didn’t know what else was there that he could do.

But he did know what he should have done. He should’ve spoken up while he had the chance. He should’ve learnt that keeping quiet could only go so far with Kaneki after all those years. He should’ve known that at times, actually telling him “I’m here” was far more effective than awkwardly stumbling around trying to show him. And now it’s too late. Kaneki was gone. His best friend had disappeared from his life as though he’d been nothing but a mirage on a hot summer’s day.

“…I’m here.”

But you’re not.

xXx

At twenty-one years old, he could no longer bring himself to go alone.

It was a painful reminder of his own mistakes, his own arrogance. His own guilt. He'd found Kaneki the year before after so, so much time and effort and frustrating urges to give up. He'd found him all bloody and beaten up in the sewers, his mental state so strained that he almost didn’t recognize him.

But with the way Kaneki had reacted when he did, he couldn’t help but think perhaps it really was better if he didn’t.

The decision to let the CCG take Kaneki's memories had torn him apart inside, his heart shredded to pieces so tiny that he'd never been able to cry again after the first time. Then again, he'd exhausted himself so much the first time that he’d fallen ill for the following few days, so perhaps it’s for the best that he'd never been able to do it again. He had better and more important things to do than to lie around and let his emotions overwhelm him. He'd helped align the cogs and set them turning by letting his best friend face the CCG's reaper that one rainy night; he had to see everything else to the end.

Still, it wasn’t the least easy. He stayed behind at the 20th Ward while Kaneki's taken to the 1st to be "reborn" under a new name, a new identity. A new life. The chances of them meeting each other was unlikely enough. It wasn’t like Kaneki would know who he was even if he ever saw him by coincidence, either.

And it hurt. It hurt and hurt and hurt until the feeling became so constant that he simply stopped registering it at one point. But that's okay, he would relentlessly insist to himself. That's okay because the alternative to this was Kaneki's death and that’s much, much, much worse. Now he still had the chance to see him alive and well and living a new, perhaps marginally more carefree life than his last—and that’s enough.

Even though there are times he wished he could forget and let go as well, that’s enough.

He didn’t need the whale slide to remind him of how much he missed his best friend.

xXx

At twenty-three years old, he almost managed to forget all about that place.

Emphasis on 'almost'. Because he could always almost forget, but never quite completely. Especially not with how he heard Sasaki Haise's name almost everywhere, every day. Arima Kishou's rumoured star student after Ui Koori; the half-ghoul mentor of the newly formed Quinx squad; the double-edged weapon that Director Washuu will probably regret taking in one day in the future. Kaneki sure seemed like he was having fun piling up titles for himself given by others.

Sometimes when he dropped by at the Academy to hand in some reports, he'd manage to hear even more amusing things about a certain Sasaki-sensei. The adorable Quinque instructor who's talented, patient, but also sometimes annoyingly strict. Whose hair resembled black sesame pudding for reasons possibly related to fashion and who's surprisingly ripped despite how he looks. Who acted all goofy and motherly even though his reputation in the professional field was so impressive.

He had never heard of those traits used to describe his best friend before this, and now that he had, he felt… ridiculously proud for some reason. People often used to judge Kaneki quickly because of his reserved nature and quiet personality; he used to be the only one he'd been willing to show the playful and more carefree side of himself to. While he had to admit he’d more often than not considered it a privilege—a privilege only he, as his closest friend, could have—he also occasionally thought it was somewhat of a waste. Perhaps he subconsciously wanted the world to see that Kaneki wasn’t as meek and helpless as it commonly viewed him. Perhaps he wanted the world to see the Kaneki from their whale slide, the Kaneki only he ever had the chance to know.

He really was happy for him. But it was still kind of lonesome, he supposed. Maybe he was just a loser for still not being able to let go, he didn’t know. He happened to see him across the road once while he was just leaving from a meeting, see him surrounded by his new friends and family. Smiling in excitement as he gestured for them to follow him somewhere, his spirits evidently high. And I'm here, the words slip from his lips only to be drowned out by the cries of cicadas around them. Look this way. I'm over here.

But just like many times before, he wasn’t able to hear him.

xXx

At twenty-five years old, it was a place of memories.

Forgotten ones, new ones.

He'd never expected this day to come. He’d never expected to be able to meet him like this again, like nothing has changed between them. Kaneki looked the way he did five years ago when he found him stumbling around half out of his mind in the sewers; his hair white, his build solid. But there’s one thing that’s different, one thing that made his chest squeeze and breath catch in his throat when he noticed.

It was the look in his eyes. It was the first time he’d seen him wear such a clear, determined gaze in a long, long while.

“Let’s find a place where we can talk,” Kaneki suggested with the softest of smiles, and they both knew right away where that place would be. Where the place could only be; at a certain Ward, in a certain playground.

They climbed to the top of the whale slide that was surprisingly still there, albeit a bit more worn down now. They sat side by side under the light of the evening sun, just like old times, like all those years ago.

And then they talked. About anything and everything. Their experiences, their reasons, their memories of the past and goals for the future. And gradually, very gradually, their feelings. Kaneki’s presence was warm, familiar. One he’d never been able to forget even when they weren’t together, one he took every bit as much comfort in as Kaneki had with his.

“I missed you,” the words were finally said, but not by him. Kaneki’s gentle tone was steady until he voiced them, his grey eyes bright and his lips set strangely—like a smile but not quite. He heard him subtly take a sharp breath. “I thought I’d never be able to see you again, Hide.”

“But I’m here now,” Hide told him as he reached to brush his thumb under his eye, wiping away the tears that fell despite his efforts to hold them back. His own throat stung, his vision blurred. “I’m here, Kaneki.”

“I know.” Kaneki sighed, finally—finally—looking at him like he actually is there. “I know.”

At twenty-five years old, it was a place where they met each other again.

A/N: so hey guys im so sorry the zine didn’t work out and all it was news to me too tbh??? but yeah more shameless advertising here because i wanna get them off my hands but i still have a few copies of my hdkn anthology left!! they’re down to $10 a copy now because of some defects in the spine but the content’s all good! i understand that the shipping would scare you guys as well but if youre willing to wait i should be able to arrange a cheaper one for you around january? just shoot me a message if anything yeah :D

#hidekane #nagachika hideyoshi #kaneki ken #tokyo ghoul #here you go guys accept this as my peace offering for chucking the last sad fic out-#tho i have half a mind to write a continuation of that in hide's pov....hmm #fanfiction

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