#this also relates a lot to the concept of autistic masking

[livegastrodonreaction]

In honor of Nemona's "birthday" (her reveal day was June 1st last year), I want to remind everyone of a part of her characterization that people seem to miss again.

The thing about her story is that so much of it is in the details. Things like how she's worried about "coming off too strong", how other students like Arven and the Team Star grunts from the tutorial treat her, how Geeta and Clavell seem to worry about her, how she intentionally avoids talking about her parents and specifically points out how "nice" your mother is, the way she completely curls up and visibly worries when you say no to her questions about becoming Champion.

The main thing about these details is that they reveal that Nemona's interest in battling isn't the *whole* reason why people are turned away by her and she is so lonely. For others to accept her, she has to not just hold back in battle, she has to hold *herself* back, to hide her "true self" and her energy and to be somebody she is definitely not just to get people to not immediately leave. This is a painful thing for her to do, and it results in her having nobody she can truly confide in, nobody she can share her interests with or just open up to without being rejected. She's stuck in a vicious cycle where when she inevitably slips up by opening up a little or putting her social difficulties on display she's alone again, and her only choice is to put the mask back on again until she slips up and is left alone again, and she couldn't do much to change that until the player came around. It's also why she seems to have such intense abandonment issues and kind of latches onto the player, you are pretty much her only shot at finally being able to connect with somebody.

And, because battling is such a big part of Nemona's life, talking about battling is how she expresses those feelings. So for her, battling in an "all-out" way is how she communicates this to you, how she tells you that she can trust that you won't leave her when she puts her fears and flaws and odd little quirks on display, an expression of her true, authentic self that she doesn't have to hide anymore because for once, someone didn't leave.

I think this has already been said already, but I've seen too many people claim battling was her only motivation and personality trait, and it's just...blegh. Pokémon players shouldn't be so afraid of reading into stories of the games.

#pokemon sv #nemona #rival nemona #pokemon #characterization #character explainer #victory road #this also relates a lot to the concept of autistic masking #which is a huge part of why I relate to her so much and hc her as autistic #She cant read a room to save her life and that's the charm #Pokemon fans don't really have reading comprehension tbh

[starbuck]

i love characters who are fake, but i also love characters who are really genuine, but not in a good way, because all that ends up meaning for them is that they’re really exposed and can’t hide themselves.

#you know what i mean?? #both very relatable characters types to me (autistic) #like. on one hand… i’m pretty good at masking so i can relate to characters who present fake personas to shield themselves #but i can ALSO relate to genuine characters as some of my most traumatic childhood experiences were thinking it was safe for me to be #genuine and open with someone only to have the world fall out from under me #so i think that’s where my obsession with these concepts comes from #and idk… i just think about it a lot #that overexposure… when you’re laid bare in all your genuine ugliness… it’s really horrible #yeah it’s also horrible for fake characters to have their masks ripped off #but there’s also some special horror to being the one who exposed yourself - because you thought you were safe and you were wrong #and the latter is more personally relatable to me #because i have a very difficult time lying to people and that has gotten me into trouble many times #idk… i’m just rambling at this point #i just have a lot of Thoughts and Feelings

[aroaceleovaldez]

thoughts on leo valdez? headcdanons? i

[stares at own url] ...I'll give you one for free, lol

Aro/ace Leo.... listen. He explicitly states that he plays up his false persona in aspects that he feels are lacking in his actual personality in an effort to make people like him more, and in his POVs we get a lot of him doing acknowledged-as-nonserious joke-flirting as part of his false persona. Guy who doesn't realize he's aspec trying to overcompensate for his lack of attraction by excessively hitting on people to hide that he doesn't feel attraction towards anyone? Him wondering if he's broken in a whole bunch of ways and trying to make up for it externally while having an identity crisis about that? Something something metaphor about him wondering if cause he's a Hephaestus kid he's a little too much like a machine/robot and can't feel love or The Right Emotions In General™ because of that cause he doesn't know about aspec stuff yet (or that he's autistic)? Can anyone hear me.

Related to that: Leo landing on Ogygia (island of unreciprocated love) and meeting Calypso, who (probably through love magic) actually seems to be attracted to him? And him trying to force himself to reciprocate because he figures that's just how it's supposed to go and maybe for once he's actually experiencing romantic love? And he's so desperate for someone to like him and to feel useful to someone (re: 7th wheel)? But it fizzles out almost immediately after they leave the island, because the heart-eyes wear off for Calypso, especially once she technically no longer needs him, and Leo can't keep up trying to make himself reciprocate (and can't keep up trying to put his mask back up for her, especially now that Calypso seems to actually care about it). I am literally always thinking about this.

Short king,,, I don't care what anybody says he is NOT 5'6" that is way too tall for him. My guy is 5'5" absolute maximum. I usually place him at 5'3". Tiny guy. Made of pipecleaners. Built like Bilbo Baggins...

I've mentioned it before in a couple of places (i know [here] at least) but I did not like his fake-out death in BoO. Also I'm just mad about his dropped character arc(s) in general. My ideal substitute is that instead of dying and being revived, Festus just crashes in the woods nearby and Leo has overexerted his powers too much a la Nico's shadow stuff and is nearly dead but once they get him to the infirmary he recovers and can start working on recovering from his whole depression arc too. Also maybe he loses a leg in the crash so he can match his dad just for funsies, and so that there's some amount of consequence to his sacrifice to make up for him not dying (not like in canon there were any consequences to him dying and being revived anyways...). Also something something accidental Hiccup HTTYD joke. Leo with a prosthetic is always fun. More Hephaestus kids with prosthetics.

I am very amused by the concept of Leo never having any romantic attraction to Hazel at all, possibly even negative romantic attraction once he finds out she dated his great-grandpa (especially since in canon like 90% of his thoughts about Hazel are just kind of appreciative and genuinely thinking she's really cool, if a little confusing at first), and Hazel pretty quickly gets over her side of things once she gets used to the fact that this is Definitely Not Sammy, he just Looks Like Sammy (and does not actually act like Sammy, that's just a fake persona that is eerily similar by coincidence. Real Leo is actually quite reserved and not so much of a vocal goofball most of the time). So they're just besties after their mutual weird Sammy vision and understanding the deeper sides to each other and are each other's person they're most comfortable letting their guard down around cause they've formed that level of trust. Except Frank's over in the corner seething cause he thinks this is a love triangle but he's the only one who thinks that. Leo just thinks Frank hates him for the general reasons he thinks everybody hates him (which is just an assumption he's kind of used to and expects from people, so he does not question it at all). Hazel knows Frank thinks Leo is trying to steal her from him but she's having trouble trying to keep the two of them from nearly killing each other. It's a very homestuck auspistice dynamic.

Leo and Frank eventually work out their stuff and become very good friends to meeee... let them bond over their mutual fear of fire and dead mom trauma! they have so many parallels and I want the two of them and Hazel to be a funky cute little trio!

Dragonkin Leo! That boy is a dragon!!!! I usually say his stuff is kind of spiritual origin (he doesn't really know how to explain it other than his soul is just a dragon) versus like Jason being a wolf therian with a more psychological origin (being raised by an immortal wolf pack rubbed off on him) (rip Piper being the only non-alterhuman in their trio LMAO). I imagine whatever type of dragon he is probably is very similar to Festus, which is part of why Leo clicks with Festus so quickly - he just sees himself in Festus and it's very comforting to him. He definitely makes himself some fun 'kin gear, like a nice weighted tail and wings and claws to try and help his phantom shifts feel a lil less wonky. Also him having dragon talon weapons just sounds cool. He also totally makes gear for any other alterhuman demigods.

#pjo #riordanverse #leo valdez #headcanon #headcanons #ah0yh0y #ask #long post // #alterhuman demigods

[spectrumgarden]

I keep thinking about how no one seems to think about nuance when it comes to like, the concept of "autistic traits / symptoms" and discussing them, and how that is intertwined with the push to not consider it a disability. And its complex to discuss, but here's my convoluted thoughts. I know it's long but I hope people will take the time to read it.

There are in fact people who do fit some commonly associated with autism traits that are not impaired by them. Let's make up a guy, for a second:

They like routine and repetition a lot but easily handle change in them. For example they wear the same set of clothes for years with no desire to ever branch out, but if you made them wear something else they wouldnt really be bothered by it as long as they dont think it's super ugly, etc. They like to watch the same movies over and over but happily agree to watch other things with their friends when spending time together, and are engaged and interested in those movies. Etc. They speak very formally or choose "complicated" words for things that could be expressed easier. They however do not face problems with communication beyond annoyance of others because they're able to rephrase things easily to be understood, and they also have a normal back and forth in conversations and initiate conversations normally. They sometimes engage in subtle self stimulating behaviors and recognize the desire to do so during boring or stress inducing times (which pretty much everyone does, btw). They dislike loud environments but do not respond with melt- or shutdowns or any other "severe" reactions, and while for example preferring to go to a museum over a club, they easily go through their daily life in busy areas like city centers, shops or cultural events like parades without issues beyond like, mild annoyance and no desire to stay for longer than necessary. They have strong interests in seemingly random topics and spend quite some time researching or engaging with those, but they do not view the world through the lense of said interest, they do not neglect caring for themselves or fulfilling academic or professional responsibilities because they are so engrossed in their interests, they are easily able to hold conversations about other topics. I could go on.

This person would not be diagnosed with autism by any doctor who pays attention to the impairment clause of the diagnosis. They would probably be told "you're subclinical / you do not meet enough criteria / ..." While his person would probably relate quite a bit to (parts of) descriptions of (level 1 and / or low support needs and / or high masking) autism. And this is an imaginary person I made up, but these people obviously exist (and as a side note, are probably what people refer to when they talk about "everyone being a little autistic" etc)

And this person being told they're not autistic might be upset. Because clearly, they have so many autistic traits. They relate to so many videos! But the thing is! There is no impairment! The one thing that connects all of the symptoms related to autism to the actual diagnosis. This does not mean they do not in fact relate to the autistic experience. This does not mean these parts of their life or personality are fake / non existent / not important to who they are and how they experience things. But it is important to differentiate. If they consider themselves autistic, if the world considers them autistic, it waters down the definition to a point of being categorically useless from a medical standpoint, from a standpoint of figuring out who needs support and in what ways. Who needs (early) intervention, who needs extra support in school or at work or at home or in public.

And like. Humanity at large will probably always want to shove themselves into random categories. "Which character are you like?" "What is your personality style?" "What is your star sign?" or "which sports team do you support", and countless more come to mind. I dont think this imaginary person is wrong or silly for wanting to find a category of people they are like, or recognizing this similarity with some autistic people. I wouldnt even mind if they made up a non-clinical category / group of people who relate to autistic experiences without the impairment. It would get the point across that it is a group of people with shared experiences, but it is not the same as autism.

However autism is increasingly treated like something thats just a personality type without impairment, by people online and offline. And when they go "this is an autism symptom" without nuance, without looking at the need for impairment, or even differential diagnosis, it spreads that attitude. "Liking to eat the same foods is an autistic trait"... or is it normal to have food preferences to a degree if it does not cause you stress to eat new foods, if you are capable of eating other food if hungry and presented with them and not the food you prefer? Or is this person anorexic and their mind has created categories of "allowed to eat" and "not allowed to eat" based on arbitrary categories relating to their fear of weight gain? "Only eating with small spoons at home is a common autistic trait"... or is it a harmless preference as long as you are still able to eat food outside a strict routine set up with zero possible deviations? Or is it a person with OCD and eating with small spoons is a compulsive behavior for some sort of intrusive thoughts?

I could go on forever. But in the end, these short sentences are all the same. They are, at the same time: autistic experiences and allistic experiences, because they are so non specific. They are watered down and any additional information is removed.

autism is about a specific combination of experiences that impair you. That's literally all it is. It does not automatically turn us into a category of "other" that is fully not possible to relate to, because we are human too. And some of it will be relatable to people that are not autistic!

And there is value in discussions of experiences of autistic people that go beyond the impairment, as long as we do not forget about it, or treat it as secondary instead of the defining factor. I dont mind if autistic people bond over something they're not impaired by, that they see as a common experience, for example not easily going along with authority. Being creative. Preferring the small spoon (without being impaired by it while having other impairments), whatever, and call those common autistic experiences. But those are not the pillars of what make up autism and solely relating to them should not be your reason for calling yourself autistic. Neither should relating to commonly impairing symptoms without being impaired by your version of them. The impairments resulting from abnormal development are what makes someone autistic.

There needs to be more nuance, detail, when discussing autism symptoms. And the push to, at the very least, expand autism into an area of experiences that do not cause impairment of any kind, or worse claim it never caused impairment, need to stop. It does not help anyone.

I genuinely think part of the whole "everyone is autistic these days" crowd who likes to go after people and invalidate them has picked up on some of this, but they lack the skills to criticize it for what it actually is and / or they want there to be a simple solution, which is that everyone who calls themselves autistic online who does not fit their very stereotypical view is faking. They are wrong of course. But I dont think this comes out of nowhere. There is something to criticize about how autism is treated in many circles, especially among younger people.

I'm really not sure how to end this post because I like to come to some conclusions on my long posts but just. Uhm. The way some people treat "autistic traits" as completely unrelated to the impairment they cause while staying exclusively autistic traits is wrong. The way people try to redefine autism is harmful and in the end not needed because they could simply invent other words for that experience.

#actually autistic #autistic adult #autistic community #actually disabled #i feel like im poking a sleeping bear with this one. poking a hornets nest. whatever #but yeah it needs to be said i think. and i have the privilege of my “smart sounding” speech being more likely to be listened 2 so. *shrugs #long post #(very long... oops. i think this is the longest thing i ever wrote on here) #also this took me. i believe over 2 hours to write! im not good at this actually! i moved 80% of these paragraphs around multiple times - #- deleted entire paragraphs. merged them. rephrased things again and again and again #its exhausting #because when i think about this i can think through this entire concept in a couple minutes but trying to get it across takes hours ://

[officecyborg]

I think Laios is intentionally written as autistic, but also (aside from “readings” of a character, which you could apply to anyone you like) I genuinely don’t think he’s the only one. Like Falin for sure, Kabru for sure. And I think you could also make a strong case for Marcille, Izutsumi, and Senshi.

Falin: She’s portrayed as sweet but clumsy and a bit odd. Not many friends at school. Hypersensitive to when others are in pain, but conversely doesn’t always seem to be in touch with her own senses, emotions, and needs. Sometimes messy personal grooming/comportment, especially as a kid. “Jacket hanging off the shoulder” is such an autism thing, and something I myself use with some of my characters to indicate that they’re autistic.

Kabru: I mean, I’ve been over it. Intense social masking, and there’s definitely also a racial/trans-ethnic adoptee dynamic to that, but he does additionally demonstrate an enthusiastic, hardcore interest in learning facts about people, their family trees, behaviour, languages, etc. that others would find extraordinarily dull.

Marcille: Strong adherence to “the rules”. She’s extremely academically gifted, but also developmentally delayed. As much as there’s an in-universe magical explanation for that, nonetheless, we see her hitting her childhood milestones irregularly, and I think that’s something a lot of autistic/LD people can relate to. Like they directly drop the concept of her wetting the bed at 13.

Senshi: Nothing super specific, he’s just similar to Laios, kind of a strange guy with specialist knowledge who keeps to himself, really feels like an old guy with undiagnosed autism to me.

Izutsumi: My wife has said (semi-jokingly) that “cats are autistic”. I do think any time you portray “robot behaviour” or “animal behaviour” it tends to come off as “neuro-atypical behaviour”—most writers are human, after all. Anyway, she’s the opposite of Marcille; she refuses to follow instructions if she doesn’t understand why she’s being asked to do them. Serious food sensitivities, picky eater. Elopement. Doesn’t have a strong sense of teamwork or empathy but is distraught at the idea of something happening to her friends.

#unforgivable dungeon meshi

[clownrecess]

hey! i came across your blog and saw that you said pro-aba dni. i hope this is okay to ask but i was wondering if i could get your perspective on aba. if you need/want to stop reading now because the topic is upsetting/annoying/anything else, then i totally get it and you don’t need to go further or respond. i wanna start off by saying that i only know what i was taught, which is that aba is a good thing. anyways i worked as a special education teacher at an elementary school where a lot of my students had rbt’s with them for all/most of the day. in our case, a lot of those rbt’s were there to prevent students from harming themselves or others. i will say that i have certainly seen some questionable aba being done (there were several different companies providing services and their procedural differences could be glaringly frustrating). but none of my students were capable of articulating how they felt about their rbt and/or aba as a whole so i was looking to see why people are opposed to the practice. i mean i can see how making a child change their behavior as a way to fit into “normal” society (a stupid concept bc normal is bs) can be troubling, but i could also see that some good can come out of it, as far as harm reduction goes. coming from a psych background i can see how teaching kids to adjust their behavior in order to keep them safe is a good thing. but if the practice as a whole isn’t good then do you know of an alternative that is effective? (as far as reducing harm/injury goes.) i apologize if this seems extremely ignorant of me but i am genuinely curious to get an autistic kid’s point of view. especially if they have personal experience with it, but even if they don’t. since this is relevant to my career field, i don’t want to go about thinking that aba is effective if it actually is quite the opposite. i’m also not looking to glorify/make excuses for aba if it’s a bad thing. sorry for the novel of an ask. i appreciate you taking the time to read this. again, don’t feel like you have to answer if this is a stupid or pointless thing to talk about. i’m not looking to waste your time. thanks again.

(TW FOR ABA, ABUSE, TRAUMA, ETC.)

I was in ABA when I was 11 or so. The goal of the therapists was to make me suppress my emotions, and mask. I was forced into overstimulating environments and was not allowed to leave, I was yelled at, I was taught I am not allowed to say no to anything, etc.

The experience was traumatic, and I still struggle with a lot of panic attacks and nightmares related to it.

And no, I'm not quite sure of a way to reduce harmful stims. I have quite a few harmful stims too, but from my experience ABA made them a lot worse, whilst also making my mental health horrible. Sometimes finding alternatives to those stims are good. I tend to bite the insides of my mouth a really severe amount, and chewies don't fix the problem, but they are helpful for harm reduction sometimes.

#tw aba #tw abuse #tw ableism #tw ableist language #actually autistic #autistic trauma #tw trauma #neurodivergent #aac user #autism #nonspeaking autistic #nonspeaking #aac device #aac users #situationally nonspeaking #disabled #yes all aba #traumatized autistic #autistic experiences

[autisticgirliesbracket]

What makes Baru Cormorant from The Masquerade Series the autistic girlie ever of all time? Here's what the people have to say:

- Bracket art created by @anthyiess, used with permission. Baru-related asks/reblogs: x This post will be updated after each round!

Image ID in alt text and under the readmore.

[Image ID. White slide with a digital drawing of Baru holding a masquerade half-mask away from her own face. She is surrounded by text boxes which read,

"her canon low empathy swag whenever she tries 2 flirt she will just explain trade economics untill the woman shes talking to becomes enamoured with her whenever she sees a flock of birds she needs 2 count em (i also do this)"

"low empathy girl swag my favorite repressed lesbian accountant"

"For context, Baru Cormorant is the protagonist of a dark fantasy series about resistance to a vast trade empire. Baru's homeland was colonized by said empire, and Baru decides to join the empire in order to gain enough power within it to free her home. She ends up becoming an imperial accountant and is sent to a remote colony to suppress a brewing rebellion. As the series progresses, Baru becomes more deeply involved with both action against the empire and the empire itself, and has to make a lot of difficult choices. Baru is the most compassionate and authentic depiction of an autistic character who is "low empathy" and struggles to understand/relate to other people's emotions I've ever encountered in fiction. She is very blunt and logic-driven. She tends to view things through the lens of topics she already has a lot of understanding and enthusiasm for (i.e., math and economics) and has trouble with things that don't fit that mold. For example, at one point she begins to realize that other people also have complex inner lives (her low empathy swag!!!) and could only understand/convey this concept by comparing it to hashing (a one-way function, where a specific input will always result in the same output, but that output is not exclusive and may be shared with other inputs. So you can understand that any person you see was shaped by particular experiences or "input", but you can't always tell what those experiences were just by looking at the "output"). Baru struggles with social interactions (outside of the context of power struggle mind games), frequently missing "obvious" subtext in ordinary conversations. Baru can come off as "emotionless" but is shown to feel very deeply, particularly being motivated by deep love and grief throughout the series. She infodumps to people for fun and to express affection; for example at one point she decided to start courting someone and went about that by telling her a bunch of fun facts. There's also at least one scene where she gets overwhelmed and bites herself to calm down, which is a really common stim that I'd never seen depicted in fiction before! Due to the series' historic-inspired fantasy setting, terminology differs from the real world, and words like "autistic" are never used in the series. However, Baru is described as a "savant" by her imperial mentor, a term that in the real world has heavy association with autism. In summary, Baru is so thoroughly autistic-coded that I believe that she was intentionally meant to be read as such and personally count her as "canon rep". Particularly, Baru displays many common autistic traits that are rarely portrayed sympathetically in fiction, much less for characters who are also explicitly written as women of color. Her autistic swag is so massive, reading the books made me realize I'm autistic. I love her. Also she's canon lesbian. Thank you for your time."

"Baru’s canonical biggest character flaw is forgetting that other people also have thoughts feelings and agendas just like she does and her special interest is finance i love my low empathy bestie <3"

"Hiiii she is the most autistic narrator of all time. I don’t have the time to pull text but just trust me on this. Low empathy swag she’s just like me for real the way she connects with other people her special interests in birds and stars the way her mind works she gets me so well. Autistic swag. Also she’s pulled like 6 bad bitches with it"

"Had to have it explained to her that other people have inner lives and motivations just like she does one time. Low empathy queen"

"DIversity win! Your math savant with bad people skills is a lesbian!" End ID.]

#autistic girlies bracket #autistic girlie masterpost #baru cormorant #the masquerade

[skaldish]

Follow up on identifying vs being

I guess I’m not entirely sure how to tell Being from merely Relating to? It’s never been something I realized there was a difference before. I’m autistic and the concept of self has been tricky even with years of therapy. I struggle with self knowledge or a stable self concept as noted by several therapists over the years. Is the self something you can just… introspect and know? Without outside input? Cause whenever I have tried that I’ve only gotten a 404 error. Well, either a 404 or just a lot of self loathing as I start seeing negative aspects that others say don’t even line up with reality. I’m fascinated by the idea that you can just know yourself in that way without others verifying whether those traits are factual or not

I'm also autistic. I don't talk about it ever because a lifetime's-worth of stigma has made me deeply, deeply ashamed of it. But I'm bringing it up now because I need to make it unmistakably clear that I know exactly what this feels like, and I need you to trust me when I say this:

It has nothing to do with being autistic and everything to do with undue influence. People who grow up in high-demand religions and cult indoctrination also struggle with the concept of self in the exact same way.

The mechanism behind this "lack of self-sense" is an environment that a) makes you fear an aspect of, or all of, your natural self, and b) demands you to take on certain behaviors, thoughts, emotions, and/or values in order to meet the environment's criteria for belonging.

I had no concept of "self" for most of my life because I was only allowed to experience myself as one of two things growing up: A freak, or the mask I wore to hide it.

Discerning "what I like" from "who I want to be" and "who I am" from "what society says I am or should be" took years. For a long time, it all felt like the same thing. In order to experience an internal sense of self, I had to identify and mitigate what prevented me from doing that: Gender dysphoria, dissociative states, conditioned shame, physiological distress caused by eating certain foods, environments that reinforced my programming, etc.

But it sure as shit isn't the autism.

I know who I am and don't feel hollow anymore. And the first critical step I took to untangle it all it was recognizing something was off.

#answered

[most-definitively-a-human]

Question. Is this medium support needs

Feel alienated from lots of online autistic creators. Focus on social struggle and work and masking. Personally talk to people online without masking much, don't work because I can't, seem to make friends easily but don't understand social cues (I just operate on the assumption that people are well intentioned and also that everyone is an individual so what is most kind and respectful to them varies so listen to them and get to know them well and this seems to have worked very well?)

Just. Have issues I have not seen people talk about. Understand why since it is difficult to articulate if you have a brain similar to mine so that is why I don't see things I relate to that often.

Examples: if I get stressed and can't do a hobby for a while, hobby often gets stressful. I haven't watched anything on TV for a month so now I am panicked at the idea of finishing watching Arcane. No longer relaxing. Have to put in effort to keep fun things fun.

Other example: am sound sensitive to the point where the sound of my breathing can distress me so I wear noise cancelling headphones inside of my flat which is usually on the quiet side because I need to.

Other: bad sounds cause me to freeze and I cannot move voluntarily if they last long enough. I wanted to go the park to escape construction work but I couldn't change clothes and just lay on the floor in a weird position.

Other: obvious concepts just do not appear to me. I have a bad memory so can't give obvious examples. I schedule delivery and it needs to be fifty pounds to avoid surcharge. This means I run out of fresh stuff before I run out of food. For years I just ran out of food and my solution was buy frozen veg to have fresh-ish things and never once did I think about going to a nearby store as a feasible option even when I was aware it existed. Things can exist but I do not really understand or take note of them.

Most of the time it feels like I'm just borrowing concepts from when I was coherent and doing my best with a mind that doesn't understand what it understood an hour ago. Very frustrating.

Really hope I can finish my book with Asran in it. (Semiverbal and autistic, some experiences similar, nice to have a protagonist not completely alien and always a challenge to write like the others.) Hopefully would make people feel less alone in the world.

Just. Thoughts individually coherent but no connection no flow and even then often chaotic and not individually coherent? Annoyed.

Does this sound like medium support needs? Seem to relate to medium support needs people most but don't want to use a term before I'm sure it's accurate.

Usually don't share thoughts when like this which is most of the time. Usually only talk when coherent. Or just share short snippets/scripts.

If you read this far thank you for reading hope you have a wonderful day. The wonderful day wishes also apply to you even if you did not read all of it as it is rather a lot.

Too tired to edit. Love you have a great day

#askingautistics #very curious to know #advice and analysis appreciated #have a good day all

[defectivegembrain]

I'm getting more and more confused by the concept of (autistic) masking tbh, because sometimes it's just defined so broadly that it could mean literally any effort to adapt socially ever? Which doesn't seem right, because then it would apply to neurotypicals, and also even when it's specifically an autism thing, there can be different purposes to it.

I mean like, when I do things like make eye contact and small talk, I'm not necessarily trying to look allistic. I'm just doing it to make things a bit more comfortable for others, because I know those are things a lot of people like. So when I can do them, and the person in question is worth it, I will. Doesn't mean I won't also stim and make unusual/minimal facial expressions. I pick the things that are a bit easier to control for me, and I try to do some of it.

But I wouldn't call that masking because I have no intention or expectation of hiding my autistic symptoms, including the fact that even the things I manage to do are still hard. I dunno, it's hard to relate to the concept of masking when you're not even sure how to read the cues to tell if you're passing as allistic/neurotypical/normal/whatever. I don't know how I'm perceived most of the time. And for like 18 years of my life, that was beside the point anyway, because I couldn't take care of my hair and that was what everyone saw first. Learning normative behaviour means very little when your appearance makes people immediately see you as other.

#actuallyautistic #masking

[evelhak]

30 Days of Autism Acceptance 2023

April 2

When were you diagnosed and when did you know that you're autistic? If you're self-diagnosed, when did you first suspect that you're autistic and when were you sure?

I was diagnosed about three years ago, and I started to suspect in my early twenties. (I'm 29 now.) I saw a YouTube video from an autistic woman diagnosed in her twenties where I first heard that people can mask their social difficulties. I was like "Yeah right, that's what social skills are, everyone does that and everyone hates socializing." That was what I had been taught throughout my life after all, to suck it up, because everything I have difficulty with others have too, they just happen to be better at hiding it. At that time I was highly identified with Elaine Aron's concept of The Highly Sensitive Person instead (which now is often regarded as a subtype of autism which makes a lot of sense to me.) I forgot about the whole thing for a couple more years but clearly there was something that was left tickling at the back of my brain, because I eventually found my way back to the topic, which was when I read and watched every video, article and book I could find about autism, particularly the personal stories of people who were diagnosed in adulthood. Eventually I was like... well, shit, I'm autistic.

And it's almost mindboggling no one saw it before, or that I didn't see it before. I even had a playmate in childhood who was diagnosed with level 2 autism and was mostly non-speaking. I highly related to him as a child. The main difference between us was that he couldn't hide his autism but I could. I still had an urge to do all the things he did freely that were external cues for others that he was autistic, like stimming and echolalia, but I knew I would be punished for it, and I could stop myself. So in that sense of course, it makes perfect sense why I would assume that the ability to stop myself from looking autistic (too much) was what makes someone allistic. It makes perfect sense that I thought the high consequences to my mental and physical health that I suffered from masking were just me being weaker than other people.

The sad thing is it was right there all the time. When I failed to mask, I was told I acted like I was autistic, that I was too weird and people were going to think I wasn't "normal" if I didn't step up my social skills, that I should probably be put in special education if I didn't do better. It's just that each time I did "better". I was suspected to have ADD at some point in my early childhood but that was dropped because my symptoms were all attributed to my hypothyroidism, (and my sensory issues got attributed to my bad atopic skin and allergies) which made sense, sure, but it's just ironic that no one ever thought to assess me for autism, since I had been suspected to be some kind of neurodivergent in the past and people routinely joked about me being weird in specifically autism related ways.

For myself, I think the reason it was so hard for me to accept and admit to being autistic was because I was so proud of "overcoming my weirdness" (=learning to mask). The more neurotypical and socially skilled I appeared, the more I was rewarded and the less I was ostracized. Also I didn't conceptualize myself as someone who had a difficulty of reading people. Not at all. On the contrary, that was like, my whole thing! (Ahem, if you have a whole thing to the level I had, that alone should make you consider autism...) I had put so much effort into learning about people! Yeah... guess what, most people didn't need to learn to read people in the first place, because they picked that up as a natural side-effect of living, and the reason I became so good at certain types of reading people was because I had a special interest in people, particularly their minds. And I was always highly empathetic but I did need to learn to read neurotypical social cues, and I did need to learn how other people's brains worked, and I especially needed to learn to communicate in a way that most people understand. And I learned this from obsessively reading fiction and non-fiction books, and by observing people and drawing comics about them, and writing a shit ton in my diary about everyone else, rather than me. In early childhood I learned by decoding social interaction by playing scenarios I had seen in real life, with dolls.

I couldn't have seen all this for what it was, because allistic people regarded me as "good at reading people". If I was known for anything, it was that. My friends came to me for relationship advice, I was accurately able to predict breakups, I was routinely right at guessing the reasons behind people's mysterious behaviour, and some people thought I was intimidating because I saw too much about them. How could someone like me be autistic? Yeah, lol, someone like me is exactly autistic, it was just weirdly masked by my special interest being people, because that didn't fit the autism stereotypes. Of course, I failed to understand that I was good at reading people in completely different ways than allistic people are. That's why they thought I was good. Because it was different from what they could do. And their everyday normal interaction was what I could never get quite right no matter how skilled I got at reading people and masking my differences.

If as an adult, after all the years of obsessively studying people and learning to mask, you still don't know how to intuitively make friends, if you're still effectively invisible to people most of the time, if you still don't know how to present yourself in a way that people would gravitate towards you, if you still need to rely on scripted ideas of polite interaction and have no clue when to switch to a more casual way because that's something you need to do by intuition you don't have, then YES dumbass, you HAVE social difficulties. No matter how much that doesn't appeal to your ego.

I think I had reached the firm conclusion I was autistic by 25 or 26? At first I was just happy understanding myself better and being able to allow myself new coping techniques I had refused myself in the past because they "weren't for people like me who didn't have real struggles". Prior to this I didn't even wear earplugs because of the internalized shame of it. I decided to pursue diagnosis soon after anyway, because I was unemployed and burned out from every job I had done, and to keep my unemployment benefit I would have to accept any work that was offered to me. So, I needed the diagnosis to have a legit reason to refuse work that was detrimental to me because of autism. I knew the process would likely be difficult, and I would most likely not even be taken seriously, because I'm a traditionally attractive enough, fem-presenting person who is mostly highly verbal in one-to-one interaction (and they wouldn't see how I am in groups, especially new ones or when the group isn't centered around a predictable activity) and typically get labelled as highly intelligent within the first few minutes of any interview type situation.

So, I prepared in the most autistic way I possibly could have. I had a big office binder that included an essay the length of a master's degree thesis, on why I thought I was autistic, self-assessments I had done online, all the articles on autism I had found that I related to, studies and articles that supported the newer understanding of autism and specifically how lack of empathy or social skills wasn't the core of autism. In the end it took me only four months to get a sort of "light" diagnosis, not enough if I needed support services or something because it wasn't an extensive assessment of my traits, it was just a few lines on paper saying I'm on the spectrum and it should be taken into account in the unemployment services. But that was enough for me because that's what my goal was, so I could get the bare minimum of my needs met to stay sane enough to function. I'm pretty sure it would not have happened if I hadn't made the effort to do most of the work myself to reduce the time and effort the mental health services had to spend on me.

I know this was a lot to read, but personal stories like this helped me the most in my process, they were absolutely invaluable, so I want to do that for the next person discovering themselves, and for autism awareness and acceptance in general.

#30daysofautismacceptance #2023 #actually autistic

[bandofchimeras]

the muteness of the beast

PDA - pathological demand avoidance/AuADHD self disclosure rant related to Mel Baggs' self advocacy https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JnylM1hI2jc

with long covid, autoimmune shit, repeated traumatic experiences, and autistic burnout....i'm at this point where masking is hardly accessible. its the most i can do to barely keep on top of "boring adult stuff" and texting back a few days later. picking up my phone and making words hurts my brain. i don't know how to tell my friends this without losing them again. i know my friends' interests, but not enough energy to gift them things or bond. occasionally i send a meme that reminds me of them. its all very surface. i don't really have any interests of my own, well i do but nothing i can say i know much about, or things i do. i haven't joined a class or stuck to a hobby in years. i don't understand how people deep dive into things, my brain won't let me hyperfixate on anything besides my own fears or other people/living beings, or a singular thing I like at the time ( like a jazz song, but not jazz as a genre or playing jazz).

reading about PDA was the first time i've felt my experience with this superficial social connection was accurately described. PDA kids can be observed pretending to play on a playground, masking that they are part of the game while not understanding.

i'm not doing this masking because i'm a narcissist who thinks i'm better than everyone, its that i truly do no understand the mechanics of how most people bond and have friendships. what comes naturally to some feels foreign to me. i don't know what the bonds are made of. if i wanted to bond with others we would touch eachother, touch things around us, listen to the world together, bite, pounce, and wrestle. we would squawk and make up our own language together and look at pretty objects together. we would not talk about our jobs or hobbies.

the best i can do is pretend and as a consequence a fair amount of people like me, but i don't feel like we really connect, like its real. in fact, nothing feels real and it hasn't most of my life.

i live in a kind of permanent dissociation, and touching down into reality is excruciatingly emotionally painful. the only way i can cope is by having my adrenaline triggered, or playacting, or throwing a fit so i can discharge enough of that pain to follow directions. or by being so in my body with pleasure and joy, i can only smile and wriggle and flop like an idiot. dancing also helps, but only if its emotionally expressive. i've yet to meet another person with the same level of avoidance to their knowledge and interests aside from other hopelessly lost adults on PDA forums, and my own brother who has similar difficulties.

most people have a few things they love to do or are interested in that don't change, that they come back to time and again, and build on with discipline. without that i don't know how to build my self esteem, so its extremely low. i don't want others to boost it with words, as that feels fake. i would like to find a way to create my own, but struggle with many basic skills like transitioning between tasks, social understanding, staying with a routine, staying present, reading comprehension. i assume some of this is trauma-related and will improve with therapy but some of it is inarguably part of my personality. honestly, i want and need to be trained like a horse, or a bear, with lots of treats and love. i have to be kept, but still respected as a dangerous thing. (the movie Nope really jiggled my jimmies on this concept). i like the concepts of many things but can't engage beyond that lovely feeling of infatuation with a concept, or a possibility, or if i do, none of it "sticks" to my memory recall. i like the emotional 'tone' of things, their atmosphere and the emotional impression they leave on me, and their specific characteristics feel elusive to remember. for instance, if i love a movie, the actors and actresses don't stick in mind, or the composer for the soundtrack. i just love that movie a LOT and want to stay in its experience. same with songs. from what i understand, this is a very childlike manner to navigate the world. aka underdeveloped.

i can feel a tree's presence and communicate with her, and feel patterns in rocks and surfaces. i am less like a human than a finely tuned seismograph of surrounding energy, a barometer. again this could be trauma, but i've always felt like a vessel or an instrument, something to be filled or played, yet only for very specific usage. i behave terribly for people who do not know how to read or play me, like a violin being attacked by a toddler.

so yes, i am fussy and picky and difficult but can't help and imagine, played well, i would make beautiful music, its a matter of meeting someone who can learn me, who i can trust to handle me with care and appreciate my tones. i am trying to learn how to play myself but i don't think that's how it works, i need to be part of a community and have a role, be set free to do whatever this mysterious thing i am shaped for is, or else i feel scary, useless, evil, abominable, like an alien technology dropped into a backwards society that fears and abuses it, or leaves it to rust in a field. i don't enjoy any learning that gets routed through my conscious mind, it is painful and scary, all i can think about is how much i do not know, how all the words feel like knives carving strange symbols into my forehead, like viruses, intruders into my quiet singsong mental processes. when i do things or remember things, its through an unconscious process of my body remembering them, its emotional.

i do not know the names of stones, or plants, or birds, or how strawberries grow or how geology works, or how the body works, though I'd like to. i don't sew or design or make art consistently or read anymore, or write, or bake, or sing or dance except when in the spur of the moment i feel emotional weight towards doing so.

it can't be fear of commitment, because I'd really love to be committed to something, some fandom or book or even my own creative process. i want to connect. but something in me always stops. its happened so many times i am legitimately suicidal, and exhausted.

i don't think i will ever be able to live the kind of life i want to live, my actions are emotional and impulsive, and to act against them requires almost complete dissociation. it is a little easier to do things on ADHD meds but then my body is filled with anxiety and i don't enjoy food or sex or colors or anything that makes me me. anything that feels real and enjoyable exists in a silent, energetic plane - why psychedelics are so pleasurable, they bring me deeper into that place of Experiencing.

i can get things done sometimes if i am completely allowed to do it how i want - make breakfast naked playing music, dancing at sporadic occasions, putting my face close to the food to smell and taste it. as i grow older i have less and less control over my body - dyspraxia - in situations that aren't inherently motivating. i think this is because fear-based motivation has exhausted my physical body to a point of permanent burnout. its like selective mutism, which really isn't selective so much as situational. my body takes back control, it says you will not speak, or you will not act, now.

i can, or used to be able to, experience incredible sensual sensory details. i can experience unadulterated, distilled joy from the smallest things.

sharing this joy through art, however, is a minefield of processes that stop before they start.

i wish i could just touch people and they could experience the beauty and joy and emotion i sense in the world.

i wish i was not trapped in myself by whatever this monster is that keeps me from coming out and completing tasks, from teamwork and cooperation and humanity itself. i wish i could find someone to grok and understand life together, who did not see me as a project to improve or an insult to their desire to be known and loved.

i wish i could be an amoeba, or a fern, or something that simply feels and grows. it is so painful to be a human being, i don't understand cruelty and mind games, but i do understand blind rage, animal instinct, avoidance, fear, i understand how to lock on to a target and never let it go, i understand how to pounce and bite and growl and fuck and the raw, terrifying power in my body and yours.

i don't know if i am less than human, or more animal, but i do know that when a therapist says to be yourself it does not make sense because my self is a lunging, deadly, lawless animal that feeds and fucks and fights without forethought, and it is that animal that has been caged, prodded, neglected, and starved while my mind grew out of bounds like a cancer. you see i think most people's minds and bodies connect, somehow, they control their body by thinking and they do things that they are told, or that are good for them, by willpower. there's a malfunction in mine, the mind is a mask, a parasite, an AI parroting back what others say. its not connected o my real self except in rare, divine occasions where the monkey mind experiences a stronger force that goes SHUT UP and a poem or a drawing come out of me. my ego and conscious mind have little ability to control the languid beast that is my body, and resort often to manipulate, or interceding with other people to manipulate it for us. see, there is that split, that lack of identification.

i've made a conscious choice not to date anyone for awhile because i can't handle the guilt of not remembering their birthday, special occasions, their favorite color, and so on unless i develop an unhealthy dependent obsession with them that is kind of scary. like an eldritch beast dragging a dead deer out of the forest to lay on the lap of their terrified human they've decided to love.

otherwise the knowledge will not click.. i know that they will not feel loved or cared for no matter how my heart wants to love and care for them, to do so will require a fixation that, if not reciprocated, drains me of every ounce of willpower i need for basic survival.

i don't think i am alone in feeling this way, but being on social media feels very lonely because it is so much engagement with our minds, words, favorite media....it overwhelms me. think having said all this, it is my desire to belong to the pack that causes so much mental anguish. i am scared to love any craft, hobby, fandom with the full force of my emotional body because i have been so often judged for being over enthusiastic while having little depth of understanding. no matter what i will likely feel silly, and alone. to summarize this self-narrative, i feel like a non-human. I feel like an overexcitable, clumsy beast being ridden by an anxious little mosquito like Remy from Ratatouille, who constantly chatters trying to distract travelers on their path from the hulking reality of the Beast. very clever yet they always spot him and scream and shout and run away or he gets mad and they sense he is a great Threat and a danger and an evil they must drive from their town.

of course when people see me they see a normal dude for the most part and this makes it even odder because i feel expected to perform Normal Guyhood and simply Do Not Want to so severely my instinct is to run and Hide

#mel baggs #autism #adhd #pda autism

[soulvomit]

I love my parents but I also resent them a bit and feel weirdly alienated from them. 

And lest you get the impression that growing up in an ND family is all eccentric cutesy uWu shit, yes the fact that they’re both totally just bubbled up inside their own worlds, has been a problem for most of my life, particularly while I was being raised. 

Somehow I ended up both less successful in lots of ways than either of them, while being more actually “functional” in lots of ways, and I think about that all the time, and a lot is because of how the culture they came up in, and social/romantic/work opportunities they had, were very different for both NDs and NTs.

And I think all the time about how somehow I ended up way, way, way less “bubbled up” and I don’t really know how that happened. 

I wish I could connect with them, but my mother has never really accepted me as I am and I’m faced with painful reminders all the time that if she met me as a total stranger, she wouldn’t like me as a person. She might even leave a group I was in, if i were not her daughter. I can only stand to be around her when she’s high, because that’s when she drops the bullshit. The worst part is that my mom is a giant fucking sperglord who won’t admit that she lives in a prison of her own making, and that her obsession with masking hasn’t really gotten her anywhere because a ton of masking discourse won’t admit that - for “passing” NDs - the issue becomes classism as much as ableism/normalism. It’s funny that since losing some of her teeth (and losing a social group she was in, because of it), she is finally admitting some of this.

And my dad is just... in his own world. The world has always revolved around him. He was the golden boy of his family, raised as an only child. His whole orientation of the world is that the world revolves around him, though if you are in his orbit, you may not notice. Sometimes I’m not sure if he’s autistic or not, though his evaluation answers “having an autistic or schizoid flavor” was brought up by a psychologist when he was 14. I know relatively few autistics who are actual solipsists.

This is his fundamental orientation with the world and he’s never really had a reason to question it or change it. If you are not in his actual personal orbit then you cease to exist; it’s “out of sight, out of mind.” I feel like his decades of being into psychology and communication workshops etc did not change this orientation, it just made him better at faking it. His whole social world revolves around a workshop space that he can no longer afford to participate in, now that he’s on a fixed income, and maybe now he has to admit he’s not socially All That.

He’s managed to avoid appearing like a total narcissistic wanker because of how much he’s arranged his world to be visibly in a “helping” or “coaching” role to other people. 

We have whole conversations about the terminology he learned in the communication/leadership program he was in for the past two decades. You have to be in these same workshops with him basically to interact with him, because he can’t hold a conversation that does not use this terminology. He does not think of human/social/mental stuff in any kind of conventional language whatsoever and can’t translate between the concepts and language of his decades of New Age stuff, Diet Scientology, and Landmark Education, and even regular academic psychology, let alone plain English. 

My brain absolutely fucking BREAKS on these kinds of discussions. I can only really relate to abstract conversations about feelings when I’m allowed to use my own words for these experiences, and... I guess he is the same way. Except what he describes as a “missed withhold” (?!) I learned to describe as “projection,” a term more people are familiar with. Is there a thing for when you experience your thinking as so individual and unique that you can’t relate to ANY attempts to connect it to or describe it in terms of other human beings’ mental processes? I don’t even know many autistics who are quite like this.

In common with many men of his generation, regardless of ND status, he has a wife who manages everything for him. 

What’s more is that he is convinced that he can just imagine things and they will come to him (both of my parents are heavily into Law of Attraction). I don’t think it’s occurred to him that 100% of this is because he came up during a time with far more social mobility. 

It’s funny how my parents were atheists when we lived in the Barrio and then the motel, but they became big new age true believers as my dad became a tech worker. (And after their divorce, my mom went on to marry another tech worker.) LOL.

#my life #my dad is actually like in some ways another person I know who IS an autist #who's far less extroverted than my dad - my dad is an actual attention seeker #and positions himself in the middle of spaces #the interesting thing is that my friend who used to come off as solipsistic - #this changed after she began transition and went on estrogen! #she was bubbled up TIGHT before then #now she freely uses lots of feelings language and does lots of social 'how are you feeling' stuff that she never used to do before #I guess people can be bubbled up or seem solipsistic for lots of reasons

[buzzheadchick]

So I have, for years now, been told by professionals “You’re probably autistic, but we aren’t going to diagnose it because it won’t change how we already medicate you for ADHD.” Now, I’ve been trying to get a therapist lately (haven’t seen one in over a year) and hopefully a new psychiatrist or something of the sort can help me get an on-paper diagnosis, but until then, I’m up to a little speculation. That meaning said, I’m reasonably sure that, using the “levels” system of diagnostics, I am “level 1” of being autistic. In the broadest of terms, that means low support needs. In a clinical or practical setting, I will say as much (that I’m “pretty sure,”) and use it as a framework of awareness to the fact that I have more privilege than people with higher support needs than me. I COULD be level 2, but I really don’t know because even though I try really hard, I still struggle with a lot of aspects of self-assessment. I think level 1 is a safe bet though, because I can operate fairly independently on most levels.

However, in terms of a more colloquial aspect, and how I prefer to refer to myself, I’ve found a term that I like a lot. It wasn’t coined in a complimentary way, but I think I have the position to reclaim it: natural fool(e). Now, in modern day, the term currently only has one meaning that I know of, and that’s a legal one. It is, “An idiot; one born without the reasoning powers, or a capacity to acquire them.” With that being said, the term feels right for myself when considered in the manner of the court jester. There’s the “licensed fool” who is selected for his performance skills, then there is the “natural fool,” who is chosen because the court helps sponsor his daily needs in return for his very existence being entertainment. I like entertaining people, but I have had my very existence treated as a folly before. The things I say can be laughed at when I think I am being serious, or can offend when I think I am being polite, just as the jester can speak truth in a way that entertains some, until they catch the king’s ire.

The things I struggle with and excel in in ways related to my ASD I’ve found to line up with the fool. Particularly those historical figures who straddle the line, noted for shrewd wit but also a seeming inability to understand certain social concepts. Honestly I do have theories about it being an “autistic archetype,” a subgroup of traits that tend to occur together, similarly to how people view(ed) “Asperger’s” as being its own subtype of autism. It’s an entertainer archetype; I think of all the autistic comedians and directors in TV and film, folks who tend to have lower support needs and a collection of traits like high pattern recognition, restricted and fixated interests, inflexible routine adherence, or good mimicry skill in masking but consistent struggle to understand motivations behind certain social concepts. Idk, that last part is all theorizing to me, but it’s just something I’ve thought about.

I’d never use the term in a legal setting bc it already has a definition there, and frankly its “unlicensed jester” definition is also so broad that people with very different disabilities than myself have equal claim to it, but ever since I’ve found the term, it has been something that makes me happy, as an easy summation of what my autism means for me, beyond my level of support needs (which are still very important to note in many contexts) without resorting to just stating a collection of traits. Though I guess if it never catches on, I’ll have to define it every time anyways, but I’m okay with that. (:

#not gonna put this in the MAIN tags bc low-support needs folks already dominate the convo there #but I am posting it because it’s something I wanted to share at least to those who follow me

[queer-whatchamacallit]

Hotch headcanons except it’s probably going to mostly be regarding the tism

Hotch was diagnosed a lot later in life

He saw in Spencer’s file that he’s autistic, so he gave him the accommodations he needed but didn’t really think anything of it

By the time they’d worked together for a year or two, Hotch became very aware that Spencer was incredibly similar to the way Hotch was when he was Spencer’s age

Again, time passed and he didn’t think these two things were connected

That is until the team deals with a bomber, Hotch is a little too close to the blast of the unsub’s last hoorah, and he ends up in the hospital

Hotch wakes up and Spencer is in the room with him at the time

He quickly discovered that his injuries make it painful to walk, but pacing is way he reduces stress/ holds off meltdowns he doesn’t know are meltdowns

And so, Hotch has a meltdown but Spencer helps him through it

Later that day, when Hotch has had plenty of time to calm down, Spencer asked Hotch about considering if he was also autistic

That lead to the slow journey of Hotch discovering his being autistic and trying to be more comfortable in showing autistic traits as well as getting a diagnosis

It isn’t exactly a new concept that Hotch masks 24/7, even when he’s completely alone

All of his suits are from the same brands, and with the bit of extra weight of suit jacket, they’re super comfortable and familiar to him

Loosening his tie actually tends to make him more uncomfortable and uptight because how he expects his suit to feel is just slightly different

He likes to cook sometimes, but he’s absolutely atrocious at it

Even if he has a recipe, something often miraculously happens to go wrong

By the time he cooks whatever it was with Penelope, he’s definitely better, but that was right around the limit of his abilities to not mess it up

Penelope is also autistic, and he loves being in the same space as her

Outside of work-related things, his self esteem is a little lacking

A combination of an abusive father and undiagnosed autism definitely played a part in this

Penelope is one of the few people he feels like he can keep a fun conversation going with

Since he met Haley, he’s never not been amazed by how beautiful she is

Before Hotch became unit chief and got too sucked into his work, he’d call Haley when he woke up and when he got back to his hotel room

These were often very short because of the time difference, and some of Hotch’s fondest memories are talking to Haley for a minute or two each morning while she’s probably so close to just falling back asleep that she likely wouldn’t remember them

They were the sappiest couple you could possibly imagine

He joined the bau at 27 and was instantly dubbed the “silent killer” by Rossi because he was a pretty quiet person with horrifyingly good aim

In Ldsk, he showed off his shooting a little, but he would have been able to the same thing before he even joined the Seattle field office

He went hunting with his father a lot as a kid, and he just always had a knack for it

Jack is autistic and Hotch tries to do everything in his power to raise him how he wished he’d been raised, with support

Hotch tends to be more sensory seeking except for textures

Suede and corduroy are his least favorite of those he would predictably encounter again

He took a pottery class as a high school freshman, but dropped it after a week because the feeling of clay almost made him gag when he first touched it

His interoception is not good whatsoever

He lost a lot of weight in college because he didn’t realize that meal routines were very helpful to him, and he’d just forget to eat something for a day or two

When he was 24, there was about an hour until a trial was going to start and he passed out from dehydration

He’s really bad at telling when an injury is serious because of his sense of pain being out of whack, but he’d still keep going even if he did feel it correctly

Hotch is actually someone who feels more than he can handle about things, but it doesn’t really show outwardly

He loves hugs, and he’s very grateful that most of the team is his size so they can give hugs that have a good amount of strength in them

The only problem is that never in his life would Hotch have the courage to ask someone for a hug

Penelope often asks to hug him because she can just sense those types of things

He’s allergic to cats but he’s fully considering getting a sphinx cat

And also he has a strawberry allergy because I’ve seen it before and it just feels right

You could infer from both the show and what I said earlier, but Hotch hates hospital even if he does like the hospital smell

And that is my long list of things I’d like to believe are true about my guy

Edit: thank you so much for 100 notes guys!!

#criminal minds #cm #aaron hotchner #autistic aaron hotchner #aaron hotch hotchner #haley brooks #autism headcanon #the tism #the ‘tism #headcanons #the special interest half: criminal minds

[chaoticautie]

Unusually specific struggles that I’ve dealt with as an afab autie

Being hyperverbal because “women talk more than men” and i had to be talkative in a lot of social situations growing up, especially in school or family functions

Being dismissed as cognitively disabled because I’m afab

Masking a LOT

Gender confusion

Having several comorbid mental illnesses

Chronic and severe identity crises

Being distressed and dysphoric when I hit puberty and having even more sensory overload when my body was changing & when I got unwarranted attention for it

Being easily emotionally and/or physically taken advantage of by NTs, especially cis men

Being in a lot of toxic or abusive relationships with NTs

Very strained relationship with NT parents, especially my mother

“I’m not like other girls!” Baby you’re literally autistic and all of those girls are NT, of course you’re not

Being LGBT+ and wondering if it’s because of my autism

Struggling profoundly with the concept of romance & romantic social cues, even though I’m a hopeless romantic

Just,, NOT relating to NT girls at ALL

Being treated like a pet by NT girls in school

Always being viciously bullied, excluded & ostracized in school

Being invalidated because I’m afab, even though I’ve been diagnosed

Being diagnosed late because I’m afab

Finding a bra that is affordable, fits perfectly right and is 100% comfortable is like finding a needle in a giant haystack, in the dark, and you’re also blind, and the haystack is on fire

^^^ Binders are also often uncomfortable too and cause breathing problems, and finding the right binder is even harder than finding the right bra because you need one that fits right, is affordable, is comfortable, flattens your chest just right and won’t cause long-term damage

Extremely hyperempathetic to a T and it makes me burn out and become very apathetic for certain periods of time

Very nurturing and viciously protective of children, even kids that aren’t related to me to the point that I’ve had to mentally restrain myself from drop kicking a shitty parent when I see them mistreating their small child in the grocery store

^^^ Being EXTREMELY and unnaturally fiercely protective of autistic children in particular and wanting to give them the entire world and beyond

School & work are hell, enough said

Finding a good job you like is rough, and it’s worse when you’re not in college and have no degree and have to choose between fast food, retail, and factory work

Interviews are torture,, like PLEASE just hire me, I’m a hard worker and need money we don’t need to go over this trivial bullshit

Not being taken seriously

Being faulted for when I don’t allow people to walk all over me when I’m assertive or aggressive, but also being faulted if I’m passive because I get taken advantage of easily but I only allow it to happen because I get faulted if I do assert myself, it’s a horrid and really vicious cycle

Just literally being afab & autistic in an NT cishet white male dominated society is hell, especially when you have to shield yourself from the invisible double-edged misogyny + ableism sword

#autism #autistic #actually autistic #autistic pride #autistic girl #autistic afab #autistic struggles #autistic problems #autistic things #neurodiverse #neurodivergent #neurodivergence #actually neurodivergent #actually neurodiverse #red instead #autism acceptance