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#there’s so much i’ve gotten used to in the past months and i’m scared one day i’ll just stop trying to get better because this has become

angelltheninth · 10 months

Text

One Inch at a Time

Pairing: Miguel O'Hara x Fem!Reader

Tags: nsfw, smut, first time (with Miguel), size kink, cockwarming, gentle sex, nipple, cock riding, affirmation, porn without plot

Word count: 1k

Ao3

A/N: I think Miguel has a real gentle side to him when having sex cause of his size.

“Wait, wait, wait.” Miguel hissed as he watched you position yourself on top of him. Normally he would be on top but he figured since you commented on never having someone as big as him before it would be best to let you ride his cock at your own pace. He couldn’t stop his big hands from shaking as he grabbed hold of your hips, lifting you up, the tip of his cock brushing against your clit and your slick dripping down on it and down his length, “Oh fuck.” His cock pulsed with need.

He couldn’t just bury himself inside of you, he needed to wait, for your sake.

“Miguel. What’s wrong? You said I could ride you.” He’d been fingering you and eating your pussy for the past hour or so, leaving it slobbering wet, “If I’m not wet enough now I don’t think I’ll ever be.” There was also his cock, with the head sticky with pre-cum, looking so tasty. You knew well how tasty he was, you spend many nights fucking your fingers and toys while he fucked your mouth, but now was finally your pussy’s turn.

Eagerness aside you knew he would be a lot for you to take, most your toys paled in comparison to his size and thickness. It was a little scary when you saw him for the first time but you sucked on his cock like your life depended on it and have only gotten better at it since.

One of your favorite ways to suck him off was while he was in his chair, your knees propped up on his shoulders and his hands holding your ass cheeks firmly, his tongue poking, licking and prodding at your pussy, your tongue vibrating against his cock from the mutual pleasure. You watched him fuck many if his toys from the videos you sent each other too, imagining it was your pussy instead. “Gonna fuck you just like this sweetheart, just like this.” Miguel would promise as he would unload into the toy, showing you how much flowed out after.

“I did say that, and you can ride me. I... don’t want to see you hurt yourself. I know I’m a lot and there no need to take all of me.” He was always mindful of his larger size in comparison to you. The fact that he could toss you around like a ragdoll, or use you like a fuckdoll in this case made him mind go places he was scared to bring you along for. “If I hurt you... I wouldn’t forgive myself. This is supposed to be pleasurable for us both.”

“And when have you denied me my pleasure, Miguel? Did I ever tell you I was unhappy with your performance? Were you with mine?” You teased as you tried to break free from his hands, only riling him up further.

“You know I’m happy. Promise me to go slow.” This felt like something you should be asking him, he’s the one with the massive cock. When you smiled and nodded, batting your lashes at him you felt his grip let up, not leave but ease a little. With a deep breath and an encouraging smile you stretched yourself around the tip, “You have no idea how much I want to go all in. I’ve been thinking about fucking that pussy for months now.”

Shit, you thought you could take him easier. Your dildos don’t do him justice at all, and after this you know for sure that they won’t. “I wanted your cock so many times Miguel, on so many nights. When I’d see you walk back I wanted to drop down and suck you off so bad. You drive me crazy, not having your cock drives me crazy.”

“How do you think I feel?” Miguel’s eyes roamed your body, taking in all the hickies he left so far, going all the way down to your clit, “With a body like that it’s a miracle you haven’t brought me to the brink of insanity yet. Every time I see you my cock gets hard, its impossible not to think about fucking you day and night. Although I don’t think your body can handle that.” He had such a smug aura about him as he gloated about his stamina. Cocky, for good reason too.

“You let me worry about what I can or can’t take okay? You stay hard for me hm?” Yeah, like you needed to tell him that, he had the opposite problem. “You... feel... so... good... inside... me.” With every word you sunk down a little more, your whimpering painful and a big distraction for Miguel.

“Stop if you can’t-”

“I can!” You persist, taking more before you have to stop, your pussy clamping down around his cock, your nails scratching down his abs, leaving marks you didn’t mean to leave. “S-Shit. Sorry. Let me try again.” You gave him a small smile, your body trembling above his.

Miguel bit his lip and tried to soothe you by massaging your thighs. His contact was reassuring, as was the warm way his eyes looked at you. Maybe you didn’t have to take him but you wanted to, more then anything you wanted to feel his cock fully sheathed inside you and... “Fuck! Oh my god... yes...! Finally where you belong.” You almost felt dizzy, orgasming as soon as he was inside, “N-Not yet.”

“Oh. Hey. Look at me.” You let tears of frustration run down your cheeks when he cupped your face, “It’s okay. It’s okay. I’m really, really proud of you okay? You’ve a good girl for me, taking me all the way like this.” Miguel beconed you closer for a sweet, comforting kiss, “Rest. My cock will stay hard for you when you’re ready to go again.”

No one had a boyfriend more understanding then you, in any universe. You snuggled against Miguel’s strong, soft chest, your walls pulsing and trembling around his cock, feeling little squirts of cum pumping inside of you but for all that Miguel didn’t move, he wasn’t tense but fully relaxed underneath you, his knees bent just a little as his hands explored your bare back, shushing an comforting you. You gave him your all, which is more then he ever dared to ask, he couldn’t be happier.

6K notes · View notes

xmalereader · 8 months

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Simon Riley x Medic! Male Reader

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|| Masterlist ||

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Authors Note: I’m finally updating again 😫, I’ve been busy with my studies and advancing in my Japanese before I leave next year, gotta be prepared and working extra hours for the money 🤪, but either way. I was able to get a few requests completed and will make sure to update as much as I can!

Request: Remember the quest where graves seize all Los Vaqurous (Dunno the spelling sorry- ;-;) and have to kill both ghost and soap? What if Reader who is medic from Ghost Team and Graves saw the potential and decide to have Medic Reader for himself so he seize Reader too. Follow the plot of the game, they got Reader last after saving Alejandro and his team. Happy ending where Reader said "You found me... " and Ghost reply with "I always found you" :D

Warnings: Language, background, reader is a medic, soft ghost, slight angst, mentions of past trauma, Graves is a creep, Spanish language, Price likes reader.

Word Count: 1.9K

Tag: @keera9534

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Y/n was the teams best medic, being picked by Price himself due to knowing how good he was at patching up the team and providing the proper medicine. He first joined the team when Price was in need to medical help after taking a bullet to the abdomen. When they brought him in, the nurses and doctors were far too frantic and full of worry as they ran around the medical wing checking on other wounded soldiers and trying to attend to them, leaving Price with no medical attention. The captain had tried to patch himself up since it wasn’t the first time that he’s gotten injured and had stitched himself up.

But the situation was far worse and the bullet had been lodged inside which made it difficult for Price to get it done himself. It wasn’t until one of the rookies quickly stepped up, attending Price and making sure that he’s given the proper attention. The captain was too drowsy to fight off the rookie due to blood lose that Y/n acted quickly, ignoring Prices cursing and pained groans while he worked on his wound, using the proper tools to remove the bullet and get him stitched up.

Price noticed how fast the rookie worked and how quick he is to stitch and patch him up. The captain was left in surprise and impressed by his work only for the rookie to get in trouble by doing something he wasn’t stationed to do. That same day Price took interest in the rookie and asked Laswell about him, getting his records and reading into his life and finding out that the young man had gone to the best medical schools and ended up here.

The kid was reckless, but knew what he was doing and Price liked that.

Y/n was the first to be recruited by Price, getting trained in combat and how to handle a gun in order to keep himself alive while out on the field with the others. After a few months Price later brings in Ghost into the team, scaring the poor rookie when they first met. The doctor found him intimidating due to his silence and the skull mask he wore, rarely talking to Y/n whenever the two were in the same room or whenever he was patching him up.

The two only spoke whenever they were on missions, but never in private.

The doctor figured that he wouldn’t be getting along with Ghost for really long time since they rarely spoke, only for that to change when one of the soldiers that he was helping started hitting on him. Flirting with him and finding excuses to see him whenever he was injured and the doctor grew irritated by it. It all happened when the Solider grew upset with Y/n ignoring his snarky flirting, cornering him and growing desperate only for Ghost to randomly appear behind man and pull him away from the doctor.

Ghost had given the man a deadly look that frightened the man easily and was quick to scurry away. Y/n appreciated Ghosts help and offered to buy him a drink as a thank you which Ghost easily accepts, giving the two a chance to finally talk with each other out of base and non work related. That night was all it took in order for their feelings to grow, sometimes tip towing around each other, but it was clear as day that the two liked each other deeply.

Their relationship deepened as the years went by to the point where they ended up dating for a two years, working together in the field along with Gaz, Soap, and Price. The three knew how inseparable both Ghost and Y/n were that it wasn’t a surprise when they were assigned to work under the Shadow Company, getting the know Graves who they followed orders from.

His time working with the Shadow company was strange. Y/n sensed that something wasn’t right when he was grounded by Graves and to stay in base and work as a doctor from there, which he did not like. Their were times where he tried to get in communication with Ghost and to tell him about the strange feeling he was getting only for his requests to speak with the lieutenant to be rejected which only made the feeling worse.

It wasn’t until the night that Graves decided to go against them that all hell broke loose.

The alarms of the base were going off and the sounds of shouting and protests were being heard.

Y/n was rushing out of the medical room, looking around with confusion and worry as a few soldiers were running around the place. “Que esta pasando?” He asks one of the soldiers running down the hallways as they quickly tell him that they are being rounded up in the main lobby. It doesn’t really reassure him about the alarms going off and heads towards the lobby.

“Round them up!”

“Get them in the cells!”

He stands over the lobby to see Graves shadows rounding up Alejandros men, pointing their guns at them and forcing them into cells. The image alone lets him be aware of what is going on, noticing one of the Shadows spotting him and calling out. “We have one on the balcony!”

“Shit!” Y/n is quick to duck down when they shoot their guns at him, making him run out of sight and trying to find a way out of base without getting killed.

He’s able to make it down the first floor without being detected only to turn the corner and come face to face with Graves. “Easy, doc.” He says while grabbing him by the arms, stopping his struggles when he noticed three shadows behind Graves and armed. “I ain’t gonna hurt you doc, your far too special.” Said Graves as Y/n glared at him, gritting his teeth in anger as he pulls his arm away from his hold. “I knew something was bad about you.” He points out while his eyes remain on Graves, keeping a close eye on him as the man chuckled. “Yeah, well, it’s already too late. Your friends are probably dead by now since my shadows are hunting them down as we speak.”

Y/n scoffs. “I guess your leaving me for last to kill?”

Graves grins. “Oh. Oh no, you—“ He takes a slow step forward while Y/n takes one back. “You I will keep, your a good doctor and I will be needing you for sure, but for now I need to make sure you don’t escape.” Graves signals the three shadows towards Y/n, “Lock him up, separated from the others while I clean up this mess.”

Y/n takes a step back from the shadows and tries to fight back, kicking and punching them only for them to grab him by the arms and wrists and pining him against the wall, grunting and glaring before he’s dragged away from Graves who only watched with a sinister smirk on his face. He’s taken to his own cell, tossed inside without a care while they locket the door on him.

“Son of a bitch!” He shouts, slamming his firsts against the metal door and pulling on the handle, knowing that it wouldn’t work already. “I swear to god when I get out of here I am going to kill you!” He goes on, throwing out his own threats to anyone who can hear him. He doesn’t forget Graves’ words and how he was hunting down his team for all he knows both Soap and Ghost could be dead, but refuses to believe it. Soap was a great shot and Ghost.

Well, he was something else.

A simple shadow couldn’t kill him.

Simon had been through far worse condition. When they were a few months into their relationship and the trust between the two was growing, Simon had gained the courage to finally talk to Y/n about his past. When Simon told him about his time as a kid and the way his father treated him made the doctor realize how bad his life really was and the reason why he joined the British military. Y/n didn’t judge Simon nor did he ever bring up his traumas whenever they were alone, only thinking about it in silence.

Their conversation deepened their bond and the two grew closer than ever.

While Y/n paced around the room he tries to figure out a way out of this cell, checking every crook and cranny as his fingers skim over the barred windows only to curser under his breath when he doesn’t find anything. “Dammit, Alejandro this place is sealed.” He mumbled out to himself.

He checks under the bed, hoping to find anything that could help him and crawls underneath. “This could work.” He finds the metal bed frame to be rusty, crawling out and using his strength to kick a piece off, groaning with each kick until the metal piece falls off, taking it in his hand and working quickly to scrape it against the concrete floor, sharpening it enough to use as a weapon.

Before he could finish up the sound of gun shots is heard from outside his cell, causing him to freeze as the alarms of the base are going off again. He doesn’t stop to think and quickly continues to sharpen the metal and quickly finished up. He holds it in his hand tight while standing close to the doorway, preparing for anyone who comes in.

The sound of gun shots grows louder, hearing muffled shouts in the background as he keeps his eyes on the metal door. The sound of tumbling bodies gets him alerted while holding up the sharpened metal piece, moving closer to the door as chains rattle on the other end, he pressed himself against the corner as the door is prided open.

The doctor doesn’t think and is quick to react, swinging his arm down at the shadow entering his cell, but his hit us quickly blocked. He kicks his leg and brings him down on his knee, using his other arm to wrap around his neck and hold the sharpened blade against his neck.

“Y/n!”

The sound of a familiar voice gets his attention, looking up to see Simon standing on the other side of the door along with Rudy and Alejandro who stared with wide eyes by how fast he is to defend himself. “Ghost?” He breaths out, looking down to see who he has in a headlock only to see Soap. “Shit, Soap—“ He quickly lets go of him and lowered down his own weapon.

“No worries, mate. Understandable reaction.” Said Soap with a nervous laugh while slowly getting up from where he kneeled.

“I thought…” Y/n starts, eyes focused on Ghost who approached him slowly, taking the blade from his hand and tossing it aside while the doctor stares at Ghost. “I didn’t think you’d come for me.” He whispers and Ghost gives off a soft chuckle. “I’ll always come for you.” He responds back, reminding the doctor that he would never leave him behind.

“Come on, lets get out of here and get somewhere safe.” Alejandro is quick to speak up while they leave the cell and help out Alejandro’s man out of their own cells. “Here.” Ghost reached for one of his pistols and hands it to Y/n who takes it into his own hands and cocks the gun. “Why do I get the small one?” He pouts out, getting a reaction from the other man who rolled his eyes. “You’ll get a bigger one once we are out of here.” Y/n chuckled softly at his response. “That’s a promise.” He whispers loud enough for Ghost to hear before following the others out, getting them to safety.

#simon riley x reader #Simon Riley x male reader #ghost x male reader #male reader #mw2 ghost #Simon Riley #medic male reader #medic reader #mw2

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j-niret · 8 months

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dollface. | hhj

✩‧₊˚ pairing — hyunjin x f!reader genre — established relationship, newfound romance, sappy love <33 warnings — tooth rotting fluff, smut, love making, oral (f. receiving), piv, breeding kink, praise kink, cute hand holding during s*x >.<

a/n: ahhhh, i’m finally back w another post !! ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و ♡ i feel saur bad for not posting in a while but i’ve been super busy w school and other stuff ughhh. but i had lots of fun writing this and it was supposed to be WAY shorter than this but uh… got carried away ig? lmaooo. n e ways, enjoyy and lmk your thoughts on this, muahhhh

wc — 2.2k

꒷︶ ̇ ̟ ෆ ‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿ ෆ ̟ ̇ ︶꒷

there’s nothing quite like being passionately in love. being with that special someone who you call your one and only, your other half. the one you rush home to every night after a long day at work, venting as they listen with open ears. the one who knows you better than themselves and remembers every tiny detail you tell them. the person you want to spend the rest of eternity and take your very last breath with.

you couldn’t picture this experience with anyone else but hyunjin. everyday felt like a new chapter of a fairytale when you’re with him, his love was profound, gracious, and so thoughtful— he spoiled you immensely with affection. hyunjin is a patient and understanding lover, he’ll always do things on your terms and never pressures you into something you aren’t comfortable with. his kind and caring nature is what drew you to him in the beginning, he had a timid personality at first but it didn’t take long for him to open up and reveal his true inner self around you. in his eyes, everything felt so easy with you, as if he already knew you in a past life; it almost scared him how quickly his feelings grew. hyunjin couldn’t help it though, within only three weeks of knowing you he asked you to be his girlfriend and the rest was history. a full month has passed and though you’re both still technically in the “honeymoon phase” you don’t think this feeling will ever truly dissipate.

what you love most about hyunjin is his attentiveness, he wasn’t lying when he said he knew you in a past life; his ability to read you like a novel came as second nature to him. he could almost tell instantly when you were upset or feeling down, and he knew exactly how to cheer you up, he’s partially the reason why your confidence has gotten so much better lately. hyunjin makes you feel more than wanted, he provides you with constant reassurance and cares more about you than his own self. “you’re the reason i keep going, my reason to strive to become a better person. i don’t know where i’d be without you baby.” he admitted in the first month of dating, most people would be scared off by how intensely he feels when he’s in love, but you? you embraced it dearly, you embraced all of him. the bond you two shared was like no other, he was meant to be yours and you were meant to be his— souls connected by fate. before you met hyunjin, the concept of soulmates seemed unbelievably cliche, but now, you can’t comprehend how you once lived a life without knowing him.

hyunjin would move mountains for you, he’d do absolutely any and everything to make you happy. you like to believe the relationship is an equal 50/50 ratio but hyunjin is beyond whipped for you, the first thought in his mind when waking up every morning is how beautiful you look when you’re peacefully asleep, making sure he doesn’t cause too much movement to wake you up. as soon as you do though, he’s instantly all over you, showering you with his sweet honey-glazed words and kisses softer than velvet. beautiful, captivating, endearing; those are what you’d use to describe the way hyunjin shows his love. he loves unapologetically and has no shame in it, he doesn’t care if he gets called a “simp” for wanting to please his girl— people only see your relationship from an outside lens, they’ll never understand and it didn’t matter to either of you. hyunjin is a lovesick puppy for you, always craving your touch when you aren’t around, but as soon as he’s with you he’s all yours.

“baby, you know you can use me whenever you’re stressed, you look a bit worn out and could use some much needed relaxation. tell me what you want, just say the words, i’m here to please you dollface.” god… he knew exactly how to make you melt after a tiring day of work, and that nickname; dollface, the way it rolled off his tongue so elegantly made you a dripping mess. “y-you don’t need to, you already do so much for me hyunnie… i appreciate how much you wanna take care of me.” you sheepishly respond, hyunjin wasn’t too keen on your answer though. “i know i don’t necessarily need to, but i really want to. let me be of use to you princess, please, just wanna take care of you, anything you want and i’ll do it. there’s no one in this world i’d do this for besides you, i wholeheartedly believe i was put on this earth to be with you.” his words pulled you in like a magnetic force, easily getting you to cave to his desires, who were you to deny your angelic entity of a boyfriend? you let his hands freely roam your body, noticing the faint black nail lacquer coated on his fingertips as he palms your breasts outside the skimpy tank top you wore underneath your work shirt. hyunjin’s plush pink lips connect with yours for a moment, relishing in the sweet taste of you as he pinches your lightly covered nipple. “m’gonna make you feel so amazing… you’ll feel like you’re floating after this, trust me dollface.”

the petname he gave you never left his vocabulary since the day he first said it. he’d say it in the most sensual tone, you never realized you might have a voice kink until you met hyunjin. one moment you were kissing him slowly then the next he was below you, in between your precious thighs. his tongue felt like heaven, gliding the wet muscle against your sensitive bundle of nerves, letting you gush all over his face and chin. hyunjin couldn’t help himself, he loved feeling your legs shake around him, hearing the subtle whimpers and cries escape your lips— this is what keeps him going. “hmmmnn..” he’d hum against your aching core, sending a vibration of tingles to your spine. your hips involuntarily buck into him, grinding against his mouth as he sucks on your puffy clit, making you moan out his name in utter utopia. “hyunjin… hyunjin… mmphh fuck..” eyes rolling to the back of your head from the way he’s french kissing your cunt. hyunjin loves taking his sweet time with you, he’s never been the type to rush anything, he prefers making love over just pure “fucking”, he sees no point in sex if it’s not meaningful to him. you can feel the passion through him as he went down on you, eating your pussy like it’s his last meal on earth. your toes curled from the intense pleasure, tears almost forming in the corner of your eyes from feeling slightly overwhelmed— you’ll survive though, you always do.

“mmm… shit! t-think m’gonna cum ssooon hyune.” you mewl, body heat rising faster as you feel yourself getting close, your hands land on top of hyunjin’s head, lacing your fingers through to grab a fistful of his soft chocolate brown hair. “yeah? gonna come on my tongue like a good girl for me?” he pants heavily before diving back in, this time picking up a faster pace, your body felt like it was burning from the inside. “ahhh, fuck yes, hyunjin!” arching your back from the sensation, vision going blank for a moment as you come undone for the first time tonight. it’s no surprise hyunjin can make you orgasm so easily for him, he already knows your body so well— better than any man has ever attempted trying in the past, no one compares to him. hyunjin lifts his head up from between your legs, looking up at you with those endearing puppy dog eyes, face glistening with your wetness as he crawls over to give you a heartwarming kiss. you wanted nothing more than to be filled up completely by him, the crave for his cock gets more intense when you feel the massive boner he’s sporting underneath the tight boxer briefs he’s wearing. “hyunjin..” you whimper pathetically for him, “yes baby?” “i need you inside… p-please..” you were being more than needy right now but he wasn’t going to make you beg for it, he never did, he was just as willing to give you his cock just as much as you wanted it. “only since you asked so nicely, i’ll give whatever you want when you talk to me like that. i’ll fill this cute little hole up and stuff you with all my cum dollface.” his cock twitched at the thought of breeding you, he wants you to have every last drop of him inside.

“sss.. ah shiiit, so fuckin’ tight.” hyunjin grunts from the way his cock is getting swallowed by your heat, never keeping his eyes off watching while sliding it in. your legs wrap around his waist securely, mouth going permanently agape as he buries himself deep within. as soon as he picked up a steady rhythm his lips go to your neck, kissing and nipping at it delicately, fucking you so nice and slow. his hips moved gracefully, languidly pumping in and out while leaving small hickeys to your neck and chest. your warmth made his brain short circuit multiple times— one more stroke and he might just lose all consciousness. hyunjin couldn’t stop himself from admiring the way you looked right now, even during this he finds your beauty absolutely astonishing. he wants to hold you so bad, more than anything, but he can’t do that now, so what’s the next best option? holding your hand of course. hyunjin’s hand creeps up beside yours, gently taking it into his grasp, intertwining your fingers. he thrusts into you a bit a harder this time, but not too hard to the point where you’d want to scream, just softly moaning out his name like a sweet lullaby. “i love you y/n.” hyunjin murmurs out, not fully realizing what he just said. this was the first time he’s ever said this, he’s always thought it for quite some time but he dared not to say until the time was right… well, until now.

you were a little taken aback from his confession, since you two have only been dating for a month but you can’t deny that you love him too. you’ve never felt so strongly about someone in such a short span of time, let alone finding your soulmate you want to the spend of your life with. a loud sigh releases from you as he angles his hips differently, providing you with much deeper strokes. “i-i love- fuck.. i love y-you too hyune.” you croak, barely able to speak from how good he’s making you feel, you squeeze his hand tighter, eyelids momentarily fluttering shut from so much pleasure. hyunjin was ecstatic to hear you loved him back, he knew since the day he met you that he’d end up falling for you, how could he not honestly? he was so happy he could cry, his emotions were all over the place but right now, he wanted to give you what he’s promised since this started. “ughh… ‘m really close babe..” he mumbles out, slowing down slightly as his strokes get sloppier, reaching out his free hand to rub gentle circles on your clit. you don’t say anything in response, instead you draw out more semi-loud moans, biting your lip as you feel your climax approaching too. everything around you felt fuzzy, you continued whimpering out, gripping his hand tightly, clenching around his cock as your soul cries out in triumph. hyunjin let’s out a deep guttural groan, releasing his milky white essence inside, both bodies trembling from the aftermath.

“so fucking beautiful,” he lowly husks, “already came twice for me good job babygirl.” his praises made you feel so loved and appreciated, literally the sweetest boyfriend you could ever ask for. “do you really love me?” you hesitantly ask, anyone can say anything during sex but your actions afterwards is what truly matters. hyunjin’s eyebrow furrows confusedly, “yes, of course i meant it, i’ve never told anyone i loved them before. that word holds… a lot of meaning to me.” he’s never felt anything close to this before, he knows this is real love. “god, you’re so damn perfect.” the compliments wouldn’t stop, he could go on the biggest tirades about how much you mean to him. your nose scrunches at his sweetness, giggling a bit, “you’re so cute.” your lips curl into a dainty smile, mind still feeling hazy from your post orgasm. hyunjin leans into you closely, staring at your pretty lips before planting a chaste kiss to them. nothing can compare to this, being young and in love. there’s nothing better than creating memories with the man you want to be with for the rest of your life, start a family and grow old with. only one person you could ever see a future with and that was hyunjin. he’s more than sure about you too, he’s even more excited for what’s to come, ready to embark on this long journey of love. he attempts to get impossibly closer than he already is, wrapping his arms around your frame and kissing your forehead, “you’re way cuter, dollface.”

꒷︶ ̇ ̟ ෆ ‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿ ෆ ̟ ̇ ︶꒷

#hyunjin #hyunjin x reader #hwang hyunjin x reader #hyunjin x female reader #hyunjin x f reader #hyunjin imagines #hyunjin smut #hyunjin fluff #hwang hyunjin imagines #skz x reader #skz fluff #stray kids fic #skz imagines #hyunjin fic

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enassbraid · 8 months

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𝐇𝐨𝐰 𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐆𝐞�� 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐆𝐢𝐫𝐥 - 𝐑𝐢𝐧 𝐈𝐭𝐨𝐬𝐡𝐢

-> It's no secret Rin is horrible with words, let alone feelings. So he may need a little bit of help capturing the heart of the girl of his dreams... (1.2k words)

fem!reader (one time only thing) implied high school au, rin is bad at feelings but he manages, he also does not listen to anyone ! but he tried, kinda.

“It’s been six months, and you’re still afraid to tell her what you want?” Isagi said, astonished at the taller male’s way of going about this.

“I’m not afraid of anything, dumbass.”

“Then why don’t you tell her already?”

For the past six months, Rin had been pursuing his feelings for you. But has he gotten anywhere yet? Nope. And was it his fault? Absolutely.

Itoshi Rin was helpless, there was no doubt about it.

Anyone could see you felt the same way about him- hell, everyone has seen it. The way you swooned whenever he brushed his hand against yours, complimented you, or just looked at you. It was clear beyond a shadow of a doubt you shared romantic feelings for the younger Itoshi.

Rin knew it too, deep down at least. So why has he been taking his sweet time confessing? Avoiding it at all costs? It was simple really, Rin was scared.

“What if she thinks I’m insane?” He said flatly, putting his cleats back in his bag before exiting the locker room.

“Dude, if she thinks you’re insane for waiting so long, then that just makes her a hypocrite.” Isagi’s words were harsh yet true. You’ve both been going in circles for one another, waiting for the other to open an opportunity to declare their feelings.

Nonetheless, neither you nor Rin took the opportunities when they were presented. Leading to his current position, annoyed and confused with himself. Why was this so hard for him?

With a deep breath, Rin asked for a favor he never thought he’d ask any of his teammates. “I need advice.”

Isagi was stunned, not even he could see that one coming. He was more curious about why Rin thought he had that much experience with women, but that's besides the point.

“I got it!” A louder, higher pitched voice came from around the corner. “Bachira?”

“Just tell her! Say you waited so long because you were testing her loyalty!” For once the boy was dressed in the locker room, but it didn’t change the fact he was giving horrible advice. “Rin, never say that. Use the word ‘test’ and she’ll shut you out.” Isagi clarified.

“I don’t need your advice, bobcut.”

“What about mine? I have an older sister, so I’ve heard a thing or two.” Another voice added himself to the conversation, an unreadable expression plastered on his face.

“Because a princess knows what other princesses like…” Isagi mumbled to himself, a little confused on where Chigiri came from. Before Bachira popped in, he was sure he and Rin were the only ones in the locker room.

“I’d take yours over bobcut’s anyday… what do you have to say.” Rin looked in Chigiri’s direction, awaiting his response.

“Just tell her you like her. I mean, it’s clear she likes you back. But if she needed time or anything like that, say you would wait as long as you had to.” Chigiri’s advice was simple and straight to the point, something Rin should have been thinking from the beginning.

“And tell her if you ever did something wrong, you’d fix it right away. Girls like that sort of reassurance… I think.” An orange haired muscle man appeared from behind Chigiri. Apparently, that was Isagi’s last straw. “Where are you all coming from?!”

“This is the Blue Lock team’s locker room… and we just finished practice? This isn’t your personal hang out spot y’know.” Chigiri cut in, deadpanning at their prized striker. “Anyways, Kunigami also has a good point. Let her know she’ll be okay with you, even if something goes wrong.”

Rin piled all the advice up in his head, organizing it into a sentence he knew he could say. “Right…”

“So, are you gonna do it? Like right now? Today?” Bachira questioned excitedly, face brightening more than it was before.

“It’s none of your guy’s business.” Quite sick of being surrounded by what Rin could only consider ‘lukewarm idiots’, he rose from the bench he was seated on. “I’m leaving.”

“Not even a thank you, seriously?” Chigiri exclaimed as he watched the monotonous boy exit the locker room. Unbeknownst to him, Rin was actually considering thanking him. That is, if everything went smoothly. He was still trying to wrap his head around the fact he was actually doing this, afterall.

Outside of soccer, Rin isn’t exactly the smartest. Sure, he’s good at english. But you might as well factor English in with soccer since that was his only motivation behind understanding it. Though he’s not an idiot. He wasn’t blind to your feelings, the same way you weren’t blind to his.

In short, Rin knew there was no way you’d turn him down.

The walk felt longer than any other. He had been sure to give you a heads up that he’d be over, so at least he wouldn’t have to wait any longer once he showed up at your door. Then again, that didn’t change the fact he was getting more and more nerve-wracked with each step he took.

Too lost in his thoughts, RIn didn’t even realize it had started raining by the time he was at your door. And even when he had noticed, he forgot almost immediately once you opened the door.

“Walking in the rain, seriously?” You deadpanned at the male, who looked unphased by his dripping hair.

“I didn’t realize.” ‘Shut it’ is what he’d add to that statement if it was anyone else.

“You didn’t realize it started pouring on your way here?”

“Just let me in already…” He groaned.

You stepped aside, allowing him to get through the door. He’s lost count of the amount of times he’d been in your home, but somehow it felt different this time. Perhaps it was the rain, making the lights look warmer than before. Or maybe it was because he knew things would be different once he left this time.

“How was practice?” You asked while grabbing a towel for him to dry off with, throwing it in his direction.

He caught it effortlessly, using it to squeeze the water out of his dark strands. “Lukewarm. No one learned anything outside of scoring their own goals.”

“Same old, I guess…” You mumbled.

It was quiet for a moment, finding peace in each other’s company. The peace alone said a million words, but neither of you said a single one. Until Rin finally spoke up.

“Listen…” He paused briefly, trying to align his words in order to not make a fool of himself. “I have something I’ve been meaning to tell you.” You both said in unison.

“I’m sorry! You go first, Rin.” Somehow, you already had a feeling you were going to say the same thing.

With a deep breath, Rin stopped cowering. “I know you know I like you… and you know I know you like me. So…”

“Do you wanna be my boyfriend? Officially?” You finished his sentence for him, tired of the agonizing wait.

Rin showed a rare smile, a real smile. It wasn’t a grin, but it showed the male’s genuine deep rooted feelings. For once, all his anger and resentment disappeared.

“I wouldn’t mind that. As long as you wanna be my girlfriend, officially.” He mimicked your words from before, earning a giggle out of you.

“So, do you think anyone will notice a difference?”

“Difference as in…?”

“Like how we act. Do you think anyone will notice we’re a couple now?” You elaborated.

Ah. Rin had almost forgotten half his team knew what he was doing, and probably the entire team by now. He grimaced at the teasing that was to come tomorrow, annoyed in advance. His expression didn’t go unnoticed by you, however.

“Who knows already…”

“The whole soccer team… probably.”

You both were in for quite a treat tomorrow…

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lynxiesblog · 9 months

Text

It’s been almost a year since my last upload, so here’s a list of things I manifested since then 💖

Hii my luvs <3 here’s a list of things I manifested in the past 11 months ! Hopefully this helps you stay motivated about your desires because everything will work out .

This is also inspired by @youalreadyhavefullresults

・an iPhone 13

・money being given to me just because — literally got 160$ last week in CASH 🥰

・straight A’s in all my classes

・people complimenting me a LOT more — like every time I go out someone is either complimenting : my scent (my perfume), my makeup, my face, body (in a good way and non-creepy way), etc.

・braces — I had my braces at the time when I posted my 3dolc X Roe challenge but I’m still going to say I manifested them 🙄

・more friends — so many people that were in my grade and class last year that I didn’t talk to became my friends. My overall friend circle grew bigger

・more guy friends — most of my friends were girls which I love but I wanted to have some guy friends too and I got some 🤭 many of them added me to their close friends on Instagram and we hung out a lot during school (low key miss them)

・multiple people having a crush on me — I don’t know how to word this without it sounding weird but yeah😭. I had 4 dudes tell me they had a crush on me and they were low key attractive but my parents are kinda strict so no boyfriend for me (yet)

・my teachers liking me / being one of their favourite student — one of my teacher boosted my grade on my final report card, I didn’t even do any work that could give me extra credit.

(Pro tip : always be nice to your teachers like it’s so beneficial on the long run. Even when they’re low key assholes don’t hold a grudge)

・my anxiety whenever I have to present a presentation or speak out loud — I used to be so scared whenever I had to make a speech or just talk in front of people at school but I my fear went down. I’m still kinda nervous but so many subliminals helped me get over it.

・HUGE GLOW UP - OH MY GAWD, you guys I became so much prettier since I was last year no joke. I’ve had so many people stare at me in awe and compliment me. Like two weeks ago I was going grocery shopping alone since I have a store really close to me and I had to take the bus (I don’t have my drivers license yet 😔) and this lady that I sat next to full on turned and kept staring at me. When I looked at her she just smiled like kanaosj’akah!/&/$/78[•\*£\’s pls 💞

・acrylics — my mom wouldn’t let me get acrylic nails unless it was for a special event but she’s been letting me get one every month and I’m so so grateful

・a better relationship between my mom and dad — they have gotten so much nicer to one an other like my dad started buying gifts for my mom. It doesn’t happen very often but it’s a start

・my mom’s health

・a fun summer — compared to last year this summer has been way more exciting, even though I took summer classes for the month of June I still had so much fun and I still have a whole month to go

・finding lost items — you have no idea how many times I lost my AirPods because I sleep with them on overnight and whenever I wake up they are no where to be found 😭😭.

・getting a second ear piercing on each ear — my mom told me I could only get a 2nd piercing when I’d be 18 but I didn’t feel like waiting that long so I manifested she let me get them and she did 🙈. I got them last year during the time I posted my last post

・getting a KITTENN and a CATT — I’ve been wanting one so so badly and I’m finally getting one

・getting more clothes — I already have so many clothes and my mom said she would stop buying me some for a while , but she still bought me some and they are on the way 💞

・my parents finally getting their dream house 😩

・cute moments between me & my crush 🤭🤭

・greener eyes — my eyes have been getting lighter and look more green

・prettier 😽 (iykyk 😭😭)

・toxic people out of my life — specifically my old “friends”

#111111 #affirmations #law of assumption #loa #manifestation #subliminals #success story #kitties #self concept #desired appearance #desired body #desired face #spirituality #subliminal results

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jordyn14 · 13 days

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request

angst (divorce, don’t love)

Y/N and Joe are childhood bestfriends, their families are friends and everyone waited the moment that they had start date. They started dating officially during 9th grade. They married after their graduation and they had four children. Joe always been a wonderful man, kind, gentleman, always treated as a goddess, and he is a greatest dad. but y/n leaves him devastated by asking for divorce, because she feels that her love as a wife is over, she no longer loves him as a husband.

Pairing: Joe x first person fem reader

Word count: 2283

Notes: thank you for this request! Keep in mind that it is the first request I’ve gotten so I hope you enjoy!!!

For the past few months, something has been weighing down on me. From the time I wake up to the time my head hits my pillow at night, I am thinking about it. No matter what I do, I can’t seem to shake it. What’s worse is that Joe has no idea what is going on. I don’t know if the worse part about it is that I’m going to be dropping a bomb on him out of nowhere, or the fact that he has been so oblivious about his own wife being completely miserable. I wake up, take the kids to school, go to work, pick the kids back up, make dinner, say hello to Joe, go to sleep, and do it all over again. Over…and over…and over again.

It sucks. This life sucks. I never thought I’d be saying it, but it’s true. It didn’t used to suck, though. My life was great. I moved to Athens, Ohio when I was 10 years old after my dad got a new job. I knew nobody at my new school. I walked through school with my head held low, scared that I would never make friends and never connect with anyone at this new school. That was until someone took a chance on me. Can you guess who? Ding ding ding. Joseph Lee Burrow.

He was incredible from the start. Every chance we got, we were hanging out either with some other friends, or alone. We became such good friends that our parents had no other choice but to become best friends as well. From the start, our families used to joke around about how one day we would fall in love and get married. Of course we responded with, “ew, her? No, she’s my best friend,” or “ew, him? No, he’s my best friend.” I thought we would stay best friends forever, until I slowly started to realize that I was falling for my best friend. We stayed friends all the way until 9th grade when Joe finally confessed he had feelings for me.

All throughout high school we were together. We were inseparable. We were known as the ‘it couple’ of high school. Anywhere I went, Joe went, and anywhere Joe went, I went. We loved it that way, though. We never got sick of each other. We wanted to be in each other’s presence forever. We eventually won prom king and queen and obviously went to the same college. Right after our first year of college, when I finally turned 18, Joe proposed to me and we got married. We were so in love, even at a young age. When people said that true love or soulmates didn’t exist I wanted to say, “excuse me, speak for yourself.”

Everything was going right for so long, even through long distance when Joe went to LSU. It was hard, but we got through it and moved to Cincinnati right after the draft. My husband, the #1 pick in the draft. We were on top of the world. Everything was going our way. Shortly after the draft, I got pregnant. It was incredible. We were finally able to build the family we always wanted. One kid led to two, two led to three, and then finally we had our fourth child 5 months ago.

Everything was going right, until it wasn’t. After a few years, things started to fall apart for me. It was so incredibly hard to be in the spotlight. Not only was I supposed to maintain this image as the QB1’s wife, but I had to do it all while juggling work and kids. That’s when the anxiety came. Trying to uphold this image felt impossible and no matter how much Joe tried to reassure me, it just wasn’t enough.

I thought I could do it. I thought I could be with Joe while he lived out his dream, but I couldn’t anymore. It was too hard. It was too much pressure. The realization that I was falling out of love with my husband was heartbreaking and terrifying, but I wanted-no, needed-better for myself. Joe needed a wife who could endure all of those things that came with being married to a man in the NFL. I just wasn’t the right girl for him.

I sat on the couch with my hands in my lap, picking away at the skin until my fingers bled. I wiped the blood off on my pant leg while bobbing my knee up and down, up and down. So many Thoughts raced through my head, but I knew what I needed to do. All of a sudden, I heard Joe’s car pull into the driveway and knew that this was it. This would be the last time Joe would come home to his loving wife. This would be the last time Joe thought he was coming home to a woman who loves him.

I finally stood up while still ripping off the skin around my finger nails as the door opened up. Joe walked in a few steps and groaned loudly while throwing his bag on the couch. “Oh boy, today’s workout was tiring.” He chuckled and began to walk over to me, stretching his arms above his head. I gave him a small smile as he wrapped me in his arms. I wrapped my arms around him as a tear escaped, but I quickly wiped it away before he noticed.

Even now he still couldn’t tell anything was wrong. Was he really that oblivious? How Could he not tell that his own wife was miserable? When we pulled away, Joe glanced up at the stairs with a confused look on his face and asked, “where are the kids?” I stayed in place as he walked over to the stairs, waiting for the 3 of them to run down and give him a big hug. They usually did. It was the same thing every. Single. Day.

“Maisie is upstairs sleeping, but Dakota, Louie, and Georgia are at the sitters. Can we talk?” I asked him. With a hesitant shrug, Joe walked over to the kitchen, expecting dinner to be done and waiting for him like always. Don’t get me wrong, he loved me with his whole being. He loved our family with his whole being. But everyday was the same. He came home, said hi to me and the kids, ate and watched film. It was like I got no time alone with him. I craved that kind of love again. The love that consumed me. The love I felt before he let football come between us.

“Where’s dinner? I’m starving.” Joe said when he realized there was no dinner cooking yet. “I didn’t make dinner yet, can we talk first?” I asked Joe and followed right after him as he leaned on the counter. “I have to go watch some game film, but after I can go pick up some food.” He said with a smile. With a sigh, I looked down at the ground for a few seconds before dragging them up to Joe. “Joe, for the past 6 years, we haven’t been right…I don’t want to do this to you, but I want a divorce.” I said. I ripped the bandaid right off. I didn’t give myself time to change my mind and continue to be miserable. For the first time in a few years, I finally spoke my mind. It felt amazing.

Joe chuckled and walked over to the cupboard, grabbing out some potato chips. I heard the annoying ruffling of the bag before I heard him chewing. “Haha, so funny.” Joe laughed, thinking I was joking. “This isn’t a joke. Can we talk?” I asked. Joe glanced over at me with that same smile on his face as he shoved some more chips in his mouth. Still, he laughed like I was joking, going about his business. I bit the inside of my cheek as I continued to hear his annoying chewing in my ear. All of a sudden, I ripped the bag of chips away from him and slid them across the counter so he couldn’t reach them.

“This isn’t a joke.” I said. The smile on Joe’s face dropped immediately and he looked shocked. “What are you talking about?” He asked me in a nervous monotone way. I tried to stop the tears from rolling down my face, but I couldn’t. No matter how much I wanted a divorce and how much I was miserable living here with him, I still felt like I was going to be losing a part of me. Ever since I was 10 I’ve been with Joe, and now I wouldn’t. I didn’t know how I was going to continue my life without him, but I needed to. For my own sanity and wellbeing.

“I want a divorce Joe. I can’t do this anymore, I’m sorry.” I said. Joe was quick to answer, shocked at what I was throwing at him, “what do you mean? Everything is fine…” Joe said, trying to think of when I’ve shown that I was not okay with the way our relationship was going. I felt crushed at the fact that he couldn’t even tell that for a while-mostly the past few months-I’ve fallen out of love with him.

“No it’s not Joe. I can’t do this anymore.” I said. I tried to talk more, but Joe talked over me. “Why?” He asked me quickly and abruptly. “I can’t keep doing this-“ I started to say but he cut me off once again and said, “What do you mean this? What do I need to do?” I put both of my hands on the counter and drug my eyes up to look like him. “Everything, Joe. Everything. It’s exhausting. I thought I would be able to juggle a full time job, being a mom, and being married to an NFL player, but I can’t, I’m sorry.” I admitted to him.

It felt like a weight was being lifted off of my shoulders. For the first time in a long time, I was able to take a deep breath and let go of some anxiety and stress. “No, no, no,” Joe said to himself and then looked up at me with a painful look on his face, “you’re saying you don’t love me anymore?” My heart was crushed at the look on his face and how helpless he looked. The love of his life was telling him that she wanted to leave and he was in denial. “No, Joe. I don’t. Our crazy lives ruined that for us. I mean hell, we barely see each other. If you’re not at games, you’re at the facility or in a different state with friends while I’m at work or with the kids. I don’t deserve that and the kids don’t either.” I said.

Doing what I did, Joe leaned on the counter like he couldn’t stand up straight as tears streamed down his now rosy cheeks. “You signed up for that…don’t do this…we love each other.” He said. I let out a small sob, the emotions spilling over uncontrollably. I put my hand over my mouth and said, “I know I did, and I am so, so sorry for that, but I can’t do it anymore. I need a husband who is around more and is willing to sacrifice his job for his family.” I said. Joe walked closer to me while shaking his head, his face wet with tears and some snot from crying. I could barely look at his face. It pained me so much to see him like this. He was so despondent.

“You know I can’t do that.” He said simply, running his fingers through his long hair quickly. Oh that hair. I would miss that hair. “I know, and that’s why I have to leave. You don’t deserve a wife who no lon-no longer loves you.” I said, unable to get the sentence out without letting out a sob. It hurt me so much, but this was good. I needed to leave. I couldn’t stay. “Come on, don’t do this. I don’t understand. I love you more than anything.” Joe cried. I felt terrible, I did. For so long he went through life thinking nothing was wrong, and maybe I was good at hiding it, but he should’ve known. He should’ve been able to tell that his wife wasn’t happy with him or in love with him anymore.

“Listen to me, Joe. This life was great, don’t get me wrong. We were great…but football changed you and changed the way I feel about you. I want more out of this life than just being your second option.” I said. Joe looked up at me with a small scowl through the tears and said, “you were never my second option. Never. You know that.” He said. But it was a lie. I used to be his first option though, and I wish it were still that way, because this wouldn’t be happening if so. “Yes, yes I am. It started after your second year in the NFL, right after you tore your ACL. After that, me and the kids came second to your football career.” I said.

I scanned Joes face as he started to connect some of the dots and realize that after today, everything would change. Our lives would be so different after today. “I don’t hold anything against you, Joe, please understand that. It’s an impossible spot to be in, for both of us. But you deserve a person who is okay with being second to football, and I’m not.” I said. “Please don’t do this to me.” Joe said and looked up at me. We held eye contact for a few seconds, just scanning each other’s faces. I could tell Joe was searching my eyes for some sort of connection. For some sort of love. Maybe if he found that he could save this marriage, but he looked down at his hands when he found none. “It’s over, we’re over.” I said.

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writingsfromhome · 5 months

Text

If you Love Something II

A/N: okayy I’m finally going to stop overthinking and just post this one. Please note the tw in part 1. Thank you all SO much for the comments and love on the original…hope this one meets ur expectations. It’s definitely more focused on the lost daughter relationship rather than you and Harry so p dense but...here it is 🫣

——————————————

Age 36:

“Dinner’s almost ready,” Harry informs me over the phone. “I went with chicken noodle soup.”

“Mmm,” I close my eyes. “I could use something hot and hearty right now. I’m freezing my ass off.”

“I didn’t need to make dinner for that.”

“So come here, warm me up,” I crane my neck to the left again. “Stupid delays.”

“I can come get you."

I’d mapped it out before calling Harry, it would take him too long to get here. “That’s alright. Doesn’t make a difference.”

The screen on the platform showed 6 minutes…for the past 15 minutes.

“I’ve either been living in the longest minute of my fucking life,” I mutter. “Or this line is taking the piss out of all of us.”

Two dozen of us had gotten off the last train when it announced it was out of service. Now the number on the platform had tripled waiting for the next one.

“Patience,” Harry says. “Is a virtue.”

“Easy for you to say in the warm flat with the chicken noodle soup.”

“It’ll be yours soon.”

Soon. I sigh and try to release the anxious energy with it. “Thank you for taking care of dinner.”

“Of course.” He replies. Like it was that simple. But being with Harry was like that nowadays.

Despite all the catching up we had to do with the 17 years we had lived separate lives, emotionally it’s like we picked up where we last left off.

I’d be lying if I said it was smooth sailing the whole year we’d been together. There had been a hard few first months where both of us felt unnerved by the peacefulness of the relationship. We weren’t used to such an easy quiet.

I’d tried to self-sabotage first by going awol and working longer hours than I needed to. I think I was scared Harry would wake up one day and realize too much time had passed and he didn’t like who I’d become so I minimized our time together. Until Harry called me out for it.

But then he went off the rails, and for a few weeks I’d been an even bigger ball of anxiety. Ultimately I had to give him the hard truth even though the last thing I ever wanted was to convince someone to stay with an ultimatum. But I’d told him, he had to at least attempt sobriety if he wanted us to work.

There were a few sleepless nights, I didn’t know if we were going to make it. But one morning he asked me to go to an aa meeting with him.

Going together, being in the same boat as a group of people gathered in the back room of a dusty church finally gelled us together. For good. He’d been sober since.

We moved in together 7 months ago. Even though it doubled my commute time—tripled with delays, I had never been more sure that I was exactly where I needed to be.

We held space for each other. Even the heavier bits; we knew what they were. What it was like to hold them on our own. We always joked about how our loads had halved despite taking on half of the other’s. Because just like our venn diagram of love, our venn diagram of hurting was the same.

“Oh god, I better not be hallucinating.” I nearly jump up and down when the twin headlights of the next train peek in the distance. The platform board still says 6 minutes.

“You’re cutting up what?”

“Nothing! Train’s here!”

“I’ll pick you up from the station.” Harry says before I hang up.

I spend the remaining 15 minute ride going over the lecture I’d given tonight.

3 years ago when I applied to be a lecturer I didn’t actually think I’d get it. But in the 10 years of my career I had collected, I had done exceptionally well. It was ironic with all the bullshit life threw at me, I had somehow channeled it into a determined work ethic. After failing many math tests in high school I had found a love for it in uni—it made me work hard, get out of my head with its constant thoughts. Harry now took to calling me a masochist for teaching something mathematical.

In reality it wasn’t that mathematical. I taught Management Econ which was a snorefest on paper but I tried to be engaging and include a whole host of ways to teach—I knew not everyone excelled with a textbook.

It had made the course popular, it went from being offered once a semester to 3 times this year because the waitlist spoke for itself. It was one of my proudest accomplishment—getting students motivated and interested. And because it was mostly first and second year students, they were still eager and not jaded by the uni system.

That was how I spent my evenings on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays. Otherwise I worked for the city the same hours Harry worked his creative exec job at a major firm in the city. Sometimes we met up for lunch. It was the little things like that, making time to see each other in the middle of the day even though we woke up and fell asleep to each other, that made this relationship feel so secure.

It felt like coming home each time I caught sight of his face, and knew his smile was just for me.

My thoughts drift to our daughter. She would have celebrated her 18th birthday a few weeks ago. I always lit a birthday candle for her, this year Harry and I bought a cake and a symbolic drink for her. Our baby was old enough to drink.

“Do you think she takes after her parents?” Harry had asked.

“I think she grew up alright.” I always imagined her to have. “I hope she has no reason to drink herself silly.”

“Being 18 is reason enough.”

We talk about her often. She slips into conversation as easily as inhaling. It keeps her with us.

When I spot Harry’s car at the station I nearly weep.

“Your cheeks are so cold,” Harry says after a peck hello. He holds them both in his heated hands and plants exaggerated kisses on each cheek.

“Please sir,” I kiss his mouth and continue in what Harry called my Oliver Twist accent. “Take me to the chicken noodle soup. I hunger.”

Harry responds in the same accent (although it wasn’t as good as mine) and pretty soon I’m forgetting the 20 minute delay, the lecture with 100 technical difficulties, and anything in between.

After dinner and completing my 20 step night time routine I crawl into bed beside a cozy-looking Harry.

“Whatcha reading?” I peek at his book. I can’t believe he was the reading-before-bed type. In a way it was so different from the 17 year old guy I knew. It was also a reminder that even though we knew each other through and through, there were still so many habits and stories and quirks to discover.

“It’s a boring as hell sci-fi novel, don’t ask.”

“Then why are you reading it?”

“I accidentally joined a book club at work!?”

He tells me the story of how he told some people he enjoyed reading, and then being unable to say no when they bought this month’s book for him and presented it to him a week later.

“I bet you that’s their ponze scheme. It’s like an MLM, the latest recruit has to guilt the next joinee. You’ll be doing it soon.”

Harry laughs and holds his book out to me. “That actually brings me to my next question with this very generous gift, do you like reading?”

“Nope.” I push the book away. “I also don’t like book clubs.”

He tosses the book down lightly. “Damnit!”

We laugh. I cuddle into his side and lay my head on his chest as he finishes his chapter. His heart beat is steady, like the life he’s helped me create as we committed to each other. I listen to it as it lulls me to a calmer place.

“So how was work? How’s your students this semester?”

“Work’s good. Same old right now. Teaching was interesting. It’s the second week of classes so still seeing a lot of people come and go. You start to see the regulars by week 3.”

“Full class?”

“Almost,” I tell him. “A few empty seats. There was one girl who was obviously watching tv the whole time, another guy that fell asleep halfway, and this other kid kept looking at the door like he was physically trying to decide whether he would stay. Weird lot.”

“They won’t be there next week.”

“Nope.”

“You think she’s starting uni? I wonder what she’s decided to study.”

“Mmm, I always think it’s something creative like you.”

Harry squeezes his arm around me. “I think she’s a masochist like you.”

We talk more about her, about the upcoming weekend, and as sleep visits we drift away still intertwined like most nights.

***

“Does anyone know why?” I ask the lecture hall. Just like I predicted, most of the people I knew wouldn’t make it were gone. Now there were just under 60 students in total. What had surprised me was the guy who looked nervous the second week stayed. He’d been joined by two friends who only showed up in week 4. He was probably the designated note taker.

A girl to the left puts her hand up and I point to her. “The growing gap between upper and middle classes?”

“Yes.” I give her a reassuring smile. Until I started teaching, I forgot that most answers they gave were questions. “Anyone else?”

The girl beside nervous guy puts her hand up. “The ageing population, it skews the demographic from what was initially projected?”

“Exactly,” I try not to show favourites but that was beautifully said. Maybe she didn’t need to come to all the classes.

“That would also affect the workforce,” a guy sitting in the front pipes in. I smile, pleased that a discussion was forming.

A few others join in and I nod at each point. I loved this job.

After class is over I always got a few stragglers asking questions. The nervous guy comes up to me.

“Um professor,” he hitches his backpack and glances back at his friends. “For the assignment due next week, can groups of 3 be okay?”

I glance at his friends, it was supposed to be in pairs but what the hell. “Sure. But I’ll need extra stuffing in the assignment to make up for it.”

I say it with a joking tone but he’s so wound up that he takes me seriously.

“Of course. We’ll increase the citations and make sure to include more research-“

“Philippe,” one of the girls is suddenly a few feet away.

“Thank you.” He says, finally meeting my eye. I smile and he relaxes. I turn to his friends, to acknowledge them but they stare at me like I’d grown a second head. One of the other students asks her questions and I turn my attention away—weird.

***

“Mid-terms?” Harry asks. I’m reading a textbook while I stand over the simmering pot. We had accidentally ordered 4 times the tomatoes on our online order last week and with three still left I’d decided to batch make spaghetti sauce. It had been a long time since I made it from scratch.

“Kind of.” I push the book aside. “Someone in the department wants to update the textbooks and they left notes in the old one for what needs updating. They asked me to take a look.”

“That’s cool,” Harry walks over to me. He smelled like cologne and outside, the way he usually did right after he came home on chillier days. “That he wants your opinion?”

“She actually,” I poke him. “And it is! I can’t believe I get paid to lecture about one of my passions.”

“Economics,” Harry makes a face like he smelled something bad.

“Makes the world go round,” I smile sweetly.

“Remember when you liked things that were cool like Harry Potter and Coldplay-“

“I still like them! If I recall you’re the one who motivated me to do well in maths.”

“I did?” Harry looks off into the distance but his slow smirk is evident that he was remembering. He tilts my chin up and brushes my lips. “You’re right. So how about now? Would that still work?”

“Do you want me to stroke your ego right now?”

“Amongst other things,” he muses, his hands drop down to my hips and then lower, giving my bum a squeeze.

“Cut it out,” I scold him but it’s cancelled by the smile on my face. I shake my head and go back to the simmering pot.

“Is that tomato soup?” Harry’s suddenly distracted by the pot. We’d been having a lot of it this week because…well tomatoes.

“Nope, I’m making spaghetti sauce. From scratch.”

“Hey, didn’t you make that one time? When we were kids.”

“Hm,” I think back. It felt like so long ago but something niggles at me. “I think? I used to help my mum—it’s her recipe. Maybe you had dinner on a night we made it?”

“Yes. Dinner at your place, around Easter.”

I remember that Easter clearly but not for dinner. It was a night Harry and I had talked our lives all out.

“Aw. We were so young then.” I wrap my arms around Harry.

“I’m still young,” Harry says. “I’m in my prime.”

I pat his cheek. “Of course you are love.”

***

“Taylor I can’t really do this right now!” I tell my sister as she whines to me. No matter how old we got we were always somehow 17 and 12.

“C’mon just call mom! Tell her you met him and he’s really awesome.”

“I’m not lying to mom so you can invite your newest loser boyfriend to dinner. Anyway I can’t talk. I have to get to class!”

“I know.” She says weirdly. And I understand why when I walk into class and see her sitting in the front row. Ugh she knew I would try to blow her off!

My sister had somehow taken up the bad habit ever since her mid-20s of having a string of shitty boyfriends. We all blamed it on her longterm bloke breaking it off around her 26th. I don’t think she ever fully let herself heal from that.

After two separate guys were invited to two separate family dinners and both ended in mum or dad exploding over something, they were banned. This new guy, as she insists, was different. Mature. He deserved an invite.

She holds up 9 fingers and mouths, 9 months! That’s a long time!

I shake my head and start setting up my laptop.

“Hiya,” one of the students, Kim, walks up to me as I do so. “Sorry I was just wondering when we’re getting our assignments back? Will it be before midterms?”

Midterms were in 2 weeks for this class. The assignments were in my bag, marked and ready. I tell her and watch the relief spread through her.

I spend the next hour teaching, and before we break at the hour I announce I’d return assignments. As I call them out student walks down to me and pick them up, leaving with a smile or a frown.

“Philippe?” He had stuck to his word and his group had gone above and beyond. It was a beautiful paper, albeit overly-sourced. But I appreciated it.

“He’s not in,” one of his friends comes down to get it. She looks at me in that same way again, with just as much fear as curiosity. It’s odd.

“C’mon then,” I shake the paper I was holding out. “I don’t bite.”

“Oh sorry,” she grabs it from me in a rush I nearly get a papercut. She doesn’t even look at the grade, turning quickly away before halting, pivoting halfway, changing her mind, and running back up the steps to her seat. That group of kids were weird. Maybe they were on drugs.

I catch eyes with Taylor and she raises her brow. I shrug and continue handing out the papers.

I don’t expect the girl to come up to me after class. Her friend stays hovering behind, close to my sister who I know must be desperate to have sat here the whole lecture.

“Um ‘scuse me. Professor?”

“Yes?” She was the last person in the small line that had formed after class.

“I had a question about the assignment? You um, you said we missed the equations for our answers but they’re um-“ her hands are shaking as she flips the pages to the last page. “They’re on the bottom here.”

“Oh,” I did remember they were missing it but my pen marks were all over the back of it. “I must have missed that, bloody hell sorry about that!”

“Yeah um, do we get the extra points?”

“Of course but I-“ I glance back at Taylor. She’s talking to the friend. I had to get her out of here before she said something ridiculous. “I have office hours after my Monday class. I’ll have it remarked by then and you can pick it up?”

“Um, okay?”

I quickly shut my things down and grab my sister, getting her out as quick as possible.

“I’m a professional,” she reminds me. “Jeez. Anyway Y/n listen it’s the longest I’ve been in a relationship since, well y’know. 9 months! It’s different with this guy. He works like you! A cushy office job. He’s serious. Please!?”

I hadn’t seen Taylor since last month’s dinner when she had tried to convince me to get on board with this guy. She’d been pleading for a month. “Fine.”

“Oh I love you!” She squeezes my arm. “Text me when mom gives the okay.”

I sigh. I’d really got myself in the middle again.

I retell this to Harry when I get home.

“She’s persistent. But 9 months is a new record.”

“I know!” Harry knew all about her string of boys, I’d caught him up months ago. “Anyway I can’t believe she sat through the whole lecture.”

“Maybe this is the guy. The One.”

“You don’t believe in that do you?”

“Yeah?” He squints at me. “Of course I do?”

“So I’m The One?”

“Baby do I even need to say yes? I knew it as soon as I saw you when we were 14. You confirmed it when you kissed me on the roof that day.”

“I can’t believe I did that. I had my first drink that day by the way so I might’ve been drunk.”

“You were not drunk when you kissed me,” Harry points his fork at me.

“Look at you getting all worked up,” I tease.

“I’ll get you all worked up,” he mutters into his plate. I grin as I stretch my leg out under the table and run it up his leg. He grips my ankle when it gets too high and the look he gives me across the table sends my heart racing.

“Oops,” I drop my foot and go back to eating.

We put on a movie after, something we can zone out to. It doesn’t take Harry long to get bored and nuzzle into me, and it doesn’t take much longer after that before the movie is just for show and we’re tangled in our sheets.

There were 17 years of experience Harry showed up with now, and it was another one of those things that made catching up on lost time all the better.

***

In the first half hour of my office hours, the girl walks in. I should remember her name but I just associated her group with Philippe. I was surprised he wasn’t here actually. He seemed to be their spokesperson.

“Hi come in!” I wave her into the tiny cubicle-like room I borrowed for a few hours every Monday. “I’ve got your assignment here all done.”

“Thank you,” she hovers over my desk and I hand it over. Her fingers fidget with the strings of her hoodie and I seriously consider the drug angle. Or maybe her and her friends had serious anxiety issues. I didn’t miss that part about being a teen.

“You wanna flip through one more time? I try not to make mistakes twice but…”

She sits down tentatively and buries her head in the paper as she flips through.

“It’s alright,” she says. Her expression is so serious it nearly makes me laugh. She had pretty hair—blunt cut bangs that I remember rocking in my early 20s, but on her they hide the expression in her eyebrows. Maybe that’s why she always looked so sullen. Her lips are painted a pretty mauve colour and it complimented her green eyes.

“I really um…your class is really interesting.”

Kids saying that was like injecting pure joy right into my veins.

“I’m so glad you’re enjoying it,” I smile at her. But it still doesn’t crack a smile on her end. “It’s dense material but that’s nice to hear.”

“Yeah, I didn’t know if I was gonna keep the class.” It’s subtle but she inches back in the seat. The more she talks the more she relaxes back. “But I heard it was worth taking. And people were right.”

“Are you in your first or second year?” I ask.

“First,” she tucks her hair behind her ear. It’s covered in piercings.

“How are you liking uni so far?”

She meets my eyes for a second before they shift away. “Yeah it’s nice? I’ve never lived away from home but I have some friends here that I’ve known since before so it helps. It’s really different, less structure but I like the freedom.”

Wow, she really spoke a lot more when she was comfortable. But I find it endearing.

“That’s really nice. It’s good to have a support system, especially with such big change.”

“Yeah,” she agrees. Her eyes dart around the desk as she goes silent. I wait for her to get up and go but a minute passes and the room starts to feel even smaller.

I could ask her if she needed anything else, or maybe continue the conversation? Did she want me to ask about her? No, that would be weird.

“So um, was that your sister in class last week?”

Okay, didn’t see that coming.

“It was! My baby sister, although she’s not really a baby. Did she tell your friend that?”

She nods again. “She was talking to her.”

“You have any siblings?”

“An older sister yeah.”

“So you get it,” I say. “You love them, they get under your skin, you’d do anything for them, and the cycle continues.”

For the first time she smiles and my breath catches. For a moment…no. No, I was imagining things.

“Yeah. My sister and I were close growing up, but she’s the one person that really knows how to get under my skin. I swear she does it on purpose sometimes.”

“Probably,” I want to say something funny again. I just want to see her smile.

Back off, my inner voice says. Don’t do this again.

Some years back, when I was still in the throes of alcohol, I had followed a girl at the mall for nearly an hour. She had looked so much like my sister but with brown curly hair. I could have sworn it was her—my daughter. But after an hour of drunk stalking she had met up with her mum, a direct clone of her.

I couldn’t be obsessive again. Nobody knew about that phase. Not even Harry.

“D’you have any kids?” She asks. I don’t expect the question and it throws me off what with the thoughts looping in my head. She watches me, waiting for an answer.

“Um,” I usually answered no. To anyone who had asked in the last 18 years. But for some reason I nod today. “Yeah. One.”

I imagine it, I must have. Her face draws in for a second before she looks down. “Does she ever come to your lectures?”

“Oh no,” I feel the prick of tears and try to blink them away without being too obvious. “I’m not sure she’d find them interesting.”

“Oh.” She finally stands. “Maybe when she’s older…but I’ll see you on Thursday I guess?”

“Yeah,” I watch her go and realize she’d forgotten something. “Don’t forget your paper hon!”

She stiffens by the door before coming to get it.

“Sorry, it probably makes me a bad prof but there were two female names on the paper. Which one’s yours?”

“Bridget,” her voice cracks.

“Bridget,” I try to match the name to her face. It fit. “That’s lovely.”

She scurries out and I hear someone say “well!?” Outside followed by a “shh!”

I shake my head and try to focus back on my work, my heart racing an unusual amount.

***

It takes a couple days but I confess to Harry. He’d decided to meet up with me after class on Wednesday to eat out. We didn’t go far from the uni, a pub a few roads down. I actually spotted a couple former students there and they’d waved at me warmly.

“You’re not crazy,” Harry holds my hand on the table. “A few years ago I realized the volunteer interns we took on from the nearby school? They were the same age as her, teens? And I used to check up on them all the time, make sure they were feeling comfortable, until one of the guys on the team told me to quit being so weird and find someone my own age. I don’t know if it came across that way but…I got lost in that.”

“Oh Harry,” I squeeze his hand. “I didn’t know that.”

“I’ve never told anyone.”

“Me too,” I pop another chip into my mouth. “But really I’d kind of pushed those memories out of my head until the other day. I can’t explain it, when she smiled it just felt like I knew her.”

“Yeah. Maybe she just looks like Taylor?”

We finish dinner while Harry tells me about a story about some friends of his I knew. We reminisce about our old friends as we wrap up and head out into the brisk November air.

We’re near the station when I gasp and clutch Harry’s arm. Standing outside one of the nearby pubs, smoking with her friends, was Bridget.

“Harry! That’s her!”

“What? Who?” He’s so oblivious as he whips his head around.

“Hushhh!” I nod towards the northwest side. His eyes scan the group. “Red beanie. We have to walk past just look at her okay? Tell me if you see it.”

Harry laughs to himself, “This feels like we’re in high school walking past a crush.”

“Is that how you walked past me?” I tease.

“I did.” He looks at me in that way that still gives me butterflies. It never got old.

“Stop making me want to jump your bones out here. I have a reputation to uphold!”

“Hey I’ll still have a job to support us,” he whispers as we near closer to the group. “Feel free to do whatever you feel.”

“You’re a bad influence.” I whisper back. By now we’re a few feet away and I sense Harry slow down beside me.

Bridget’s nodding to whatever her friend is saying. Philippe is waving his drink around as he responds. We almost pass by unnoticed when someone completely different calls my name.

“Hey professor! Can we buy you a drink?”

I turn and spot a group of students I taught last semester. They were all friends, always battling out their wits during group discussions. It made my class lively, even distracting at times. But I tried going with the flow of whatever group of students I got.

“Hey kids!” I say. Then I have no choice but to acknowledge Bridget and her friends. “And more kids! Is this the new spot to be at?”

I sounded so lame but shite! We weren’t supposed to get caught.

“It’s always been popular,” one of my old students says. “Can we pick your brain? Buy you a drink? We can buy one for your friend too.”

“I uh,” I glance at Harry but he’s frozen solid. I look to what he’s looking at and it’s Bridget. They’re locked in some silent conversation and her friends eye each other. “Harry?”

“Huh?” He focuses on me, flushed and just as confused as I had looked on Monday.

“We’ve gotta get him home,” I pat Harry’s arm. “Our alcohol metabolizes differently at our age.”

“You’re not that old,” Bridget says. She seems to be surprised she said it at all and her eyes widen. “I just mean you look younger than my parents.”

“We’ll take that as a compliment.” I smile up at Harry who still looks a little lost.

“Miss aren’t you going to introduce your male friend?” One of my old student goads.

“Don’t assume,” the other chides.

“Aren’t you a nosy lot after a few drinks.” I missed dishing it back in class with them.

“Oops!” They laugh.

“Anyway. This is Harry.”

“You can call me Mr. Professor,” Harry jokes and it’s a crowd pleaser. God they were drunk. Harry leans into me, “I can see why you like teaching. They’re an ego-booster.”

“Not in a 6pm lecture on a Thursday night.” I whisper back. He hides his laugh.

“Are you guys heading home?” Now it’s Philippe. I’m surprised he was getting involved in the conversation. He was usually the quiet nervous type.

“We are. Need a good night’s rest so I’m not falling asleep in your lecture tomorrow.”

“We wouldn’t mind,” Philippe goes for joker but his face flushes. It’s cute.

“Philippe you take way too many notes during class for me to believe that.”

His two friends, Bridget and the other girl, look at each other wide-eyed before losing it. And I watch Bridget’s face transform again and I get the same feeling. I look up at Harry and he’s transfixed.

I tug his sleeve and he looks at me, swallowing like he was parched.

“Weird right?”

“Yeah,” he whispers but his mouth turns down ever so slightly.

The girls are too busy cajoling Philippe to say goodbye to so we make our exit quietly. We don’t talk much on the train ride home but Harry simple holds his hand out on my thigh, palm up, and I lock my fingers into his. Even when we didn’t have words, we never stopped staying in touch.

***

It’s exam and holiday season before I know it.

I was actually looking forward to Christmas this year. It was the first that Harry was going to join with my family. Taylor’s bloke was also showing. He had been a hit with my parents and even I could admit he was the better of all the guys she’s every brought over.

It’s the last 30 minutes of the last exam I was facilitating this year. I announce the time left to the group. There were only about 15 kids left.

Bridget is one of them. I watch her tuck her hair behind her ear and bite her lip. She’d been pretty quiet the remainder of the semester, and I tried not to let my eyes wander to her too much.

After that night, bumping into her with Harry, we hadn’t spoken much about it. The hope that was initially so buoyant turned crushing as we faced the reality that the odds were slim to none. That our wishes were just pennies tossed in a fountain, sinking to the bottom of the pool.

Dreary winter days pass by and Harry and I try to keep the seasonal depression away with regular outdoor dates, cozy nights in bed, and seeing friends as often as we could.

On Christmas we go to my parents’. It’s a loud affair as my grandparents and a few cousins join us. After dinner I go up to my childhood bedroom, it’s now a guest room but some of my things still lay around. I open the window, it was cold so I drag a blanket out and sit outside. The street is quiet, I see families in a few open windows and I watch the festivities through them. I feel a mix of nostalgia and an ache that goes even beyond that, like I was missing something.

“Y/n?” Of course Harry would find me even though I’d left the door closed and the window tilted.

“Here,” I say.

“Ah,” he struggles to hoist himself out. “Some things never change.”

“You need help?” I watch him climb on all fours.

“I’m steady,” he grins as he crawls to me. I open the blanket and he gets in.

We sit in silence for a bit.

“It was getting really loud downstairs wasn’t it?” I ask.

“I think your grandma’s in love with Taylor’s guy.” Harry says so bluntly that I burst out laughing. He joins in.

“I feel like old people get to flirt with whoever they want because it’s always harmless.”

“Maybe that’s the case with older women,” Harry grimaces. “Can’t say the same thing about old men now can we?”

“Jesus!” I laugh and then laugh even harder when Harry says: “it is his day.”

By the time I wipe my tears Harry’s gazing down at me.

“Sorry,” I lean my head against his shoulder. “You have to stop being so funny.”

“Nah,” he kisses my head. “Have I never told you how much I like your laugh?”

He had. On a night many years ago on a roof like this.

I go to remind him but he’s pulling away. I watch as he shifts to face my slowly. He pulls something out from behind him and my brain only connects the dots as he starts talking.

“Y/N, this is something I wish I could have done 18 years ago but only feels incredibly right to do now. Especially out here.”

“Harry,” I gasp. When did he get the ring? When had he planned this?

“We somehow found our way back to each other again y/n, and you know I love you more than ever before.” He clears his throat as it clouds with emotion. “Some 18 years ago I told you I knew you, because the first time I ever laid eyes on you my heart knew. You were something special. And I never ever want to spend another moment apart again. So Y/N Y/L/N, will you do me the honour and finally be mine? Will you marry me?”

“Yes!” If I wasn’t sitting on a roof I would launch myself at Harry. I settle for pulling his face down to mine and kissing it. “I’ve always been yours Harry. But yes, of course yes!”

He slides the ring on and it fits perfectly.

It was perfect.

When we go back down my mum knows right away, and if it was loud before it’s absolute chaos as everyone descends on me and demands to know how he proposed and how the ring looks.

“On the roof? When there’s a perfectly pretty tree here?” My grandma asks. Harry and I exchange a look then, trying not to laugh all over again.

We ring in the New Year with friends, as fiancés. I can hardly believe it. Apparently most of our friends knew Harry was going to propose and they all toast to us and our happiness.

Somewhere in mid-January, I drop by my parents’ house to drop off some groceries. That’s when my dad hands me a letter that had been mailed home.

“It came for you, I dunno who thinks you still live here but it looks handwritten.”

I take it from my dad as I say one last goodbye. I barely make it to the tube with wobbly legs. Because somewhere inside I know.

It’s a long and agonizing 2 hours that I wait for Harry to come home. He finds me sitting in the dark; the sun had set while I waited, and I’d been too busy staring at the feminine scrawl on the front of the letter to turn on the lights.

“Hello-y/n, what are you doing in the dark?”

Harry drops his things where they are when I look at him. “Y/n are you alright? Say something.”

I open my mouth but nothing comes out. I just push the letter forward.

He walks towards it. It’s like he hits a brick wall when he puts the pieces together, he halts a foot away.

“What is that?”

“Is was…” I try to swallow so my voice doesn’t sound so hoarse. “My dad gave it to me. It was sent to the house.”

“Is it…”

“I was waiting for you.”

Suddenly he’s in motion. He puffs his cheeks out and lets out a noisy sigh. Then he paces the floor one, two, three, four times before standing in front of the couch.

“We should read it.” I say.

“Yeah,” he deflates into the couch. I want to join him but it feels like my arse has been glued to the chair.

I inch it towards me and Harry nods. He wanted me to read it.

My mouth is parched. I can barely make out any sounds as I open it up. It’s three pages folded in two, the paper itself isn’t anything very special, it’s typed up so it’s literally just ink on paper. And yet it’s worth a whole goldmine.

“Y/n and Harry,” I read before my voice breaks and I bury my face in my hands. Our baby girl had written to us. She had reached out.

“C’mon love,” Harry’s suddenly beside me and his hand squeezes my neck. The touch gives me enough strength to stand with him. He sets me down where he just sat and leaves again, returning with water and the letter.

“Can you read it?” I ask.

He settles in beside me, we touch along every edge of us. The letter sits in between us like our love, our hurting—it’s where it belongs. He begins to read in his soothing voice.

“Y/n and Harry,

I hope it’s okay I’m calling you that. I don’t know if it’s proper but ever since I found out about you two last year that’s what I’ve been calling you.”

Harry lets out a shaky breath and I intertwine my arm through his. He kisses my temple and continues.

“When I turned 15, I asked my mum about you. I started to wonder where I came from. I knew I was adopted for as long as I could remember but it didn’t mean much to me for a long time—I had a mother, a father, and a sister. I had a family so why did I need to know where I came from?

But over the last few years it’s been like an itch I couldn’t get to. See when I was 15, what set it off is that my sister decided to look into her birth parents. They were separated, her father lived in Tokyo and her mother lived in Wales. It took her a year to convince our parents to go to Wales. I went with and I found myself in the home of a woman who looked just like the girl I grew up with. The whole time it ate away at me. I wanted this ending too.

I asked my mum and dad when I turned 15 but they were weird and evasive. I turned my skills to the internet but I didn’t really know where to start.

I felt the missing part more and more as I turned 16. I used to fall asleep thinking about you two, if you were alive, what you looked like, where you were, what you did.

I love my parents. They’re wonderful and amazing, they are supportive and never made us feel like we were anything but theirs. But I wanted to know my background.

On my 17th birthday my parents gave me a letter like the one I write today.” Harry stops reading and takes in a deep shuddering breath. “She got the letter.”

His shoulder shake and he pinches the bridge of his nose. I clench my teeth so I wouldn’t cry too. I wanted to finish this letter. I wrap my arms around him and hold him.

This was unbelievable, what we’d dreamed of. Her words, in our hands.

“Here.” I take the letter from him and continue. “Let me read it.”

Harry stays hunched over, so with my hand on his back I continue, “in it you told me how much you loved me. How much you loved each other, your families, where I came from. And Why you had to give me up. For a better life. I saw the picture of you, and I felt broken and complete at the same time. I realized I was the same age as you in the photo, I had to meet you but I was terrified. And I didn’t know how.

I spent a year agonizing and looking through every google page I could find about you. I learned a lot! But I needed to meet you.

I don’t know how to do this. I’ve made decisions that may not have been the best but I’ve left my number and a picture of me when I was 5 in the envelope.

I hope you call.”

With shaking hands I turn to the third page that has one of those polaroids taped to it and a phone number in the same handwriting as the envelope.

“She’s beautiful,” Harry says while tears continue streaming down his face. I can’t even hide mine anymore.

She was beautiful indeed. She had his eyes, and her curly locks in a deep brown frame her chubby face. She had my nose, she looked a little like my sister as a baby. A scatter of freckles over her cheeks confirm it. She was ours. Our baby had reached out. We knew what she looked like.

“We need to call her,” I say. “We need to meet.”

“Yeah,” Harry wipes his face. “We…we need to do this carefully. It’s delicate right?”

I wanted to call her right now but what would I do but cry into the phone? No, I had to wrap my head around this. Harry was right. “Right.”

“She’s out there,” Harry turns to me. “She wants to know us. Y/n she wants to meet us! She saw the picture I-“

“I can’t believe it,” I whisper. “Our daughter wants to—did she leave her name?”

We open the letter and flip over every piece of it but her name is nowhere.

“Maybe she didn’t want us looking her up?” Harry offers.

“Maybe she has an awful digital footprint.”

Something about it makes us laugh and we can’t stop. But pretty soon it shifts back into tears and we’re left holding each other on the couch, tender and content and anxious.

Our daughter had made contact. Would she like us? Would she be mad at us? What did this mean for us?

The thoughts continue to spiral the rest of the evening. We don’t make much of an effort, we reread the letter and try to get dinner in us. We face each other as we try to fall asleep, whispering questions into the darkness. The darkness doesn’t answer, it grows heavier as does the night, and we fall asleep for the first time in our lives knowing the weight of a decision so long ago was a tiny bit lighter.

***

It’s a few days later. All I’d been thinking about was the letter, when I woke up, at work, during my commute, during breaks, when I went to bed.

It sits on our dining table, we glance at it as we pass by. It becomes part of the decor, three pieces of paper and an envelope. It’s so much weightier than that.

I come home from my lecture on Wednesday, a slight buzz of anxiety humming in the background. It wasn’t unusual for Harry and I to get busy at work and not talk the whole day but today Harry had been radio silent. He hadn’t answered my texts or phone calls in a very un-Harry way.

I walk in to Harry sitting on the couch in the dark, staring at the coffee table. On it sits the letter.

“Hey,” I don’t even take off my jacket. I slide next to him. “Is everything alright?”

“Hey,” he whispers. He stays frozen sitting forward, elbows on his knees, head cradled in his hand.

I wait for him to speak, to say something about what was going on. I rub my hand over his back and he glances up. I tip forward until our foreheads touch. “What’s going on in that brain of yours? Let me help you.”

“It’s a lot,” he whispers. It tears me in two.

“Hey,” I remind him. “Just one day at a time. Let’s just talk about today.”

“I want to call her so bad,” he leans away and buries his head in his hands. I wanted to call her too, I’d been waiting for Harry to give the cue since I knew I could be rash and impulsive about something like this. But something was going on with him.

“We will.”

“We gave her up. What if she hates us?”

“She wouldn’t have written us that beautiful letter, or sent a photo, or left her number if she did.”

Harry sniffles and then asks what he really wanted to, “what if she hates me.”

“Harry look at me,” He unfolds slowly and I make sure he’s looking at me. “You’re her father, you’ve carried her with you for the last 18 years. You love her. She wants to know you. Why would she hate you?”

“I’ve fucked up so much!”

“You’re not your mistakes.” I remind him. I get teary eyed as I feel the echoes of his insecurities. I’ve thought about it too: what if I didn’t meet her expectations? “She’s not going to see you and see every good and bad decisions you’ve ever made. She’s just going to see her father—her biological father, and see where she got her eyes from and her hair from and every other quirk she has.”

“You’re not worried?” He asks, looking at me with grief.

“Of course I am,” I confess, tears leaking out of my eyes damnit. “I’m so fucking worried. But my curiosity overtakes that, my love for her is what I’m focusing on.”

“I love her,” he says.

“That’s all that matters.” I cup his face and press a reassuring kiss to his lips. “That’s all she’ll care about.”

Harry untangles himself from me and my heart sinks. He paces the length of our living room a few times, running his hand through his hair.

“We really should talk about the letter,” he says.

“Yeah. I know. I want to call. Badly.”

He pauses. It’s like all the anxious energy drains out of him at once. He sits back down beside me.

“What do we do?” I ask

“How about Saturday? She’s probably going to be home then right? No school—if she’s in school.”

Two days. Two more days of agonizing over the letter.

At this point the letter is memorized, seared into my brain like I had an exam on it. I want to know the person behind it.

When we wake on Saturday it’s a cloudy day. I don’t take it as a bad omen.

We sit with our phones out after breakfast, just staring at everything before us.

“You should do the talking,” I tell Harry. “I’m too nervous.”

“I think you should.” Harry says. “She sent the letter to you.”

“Only because that’s the address my mum gave…gave her mum.”

It hits me again in another wave I try not to drown in. She was eighteen, she’d lived a whole life with a whole family. There was everything of her we’d missed out on.

“Please Harry?” I was already overwhelmed with the realization. I just couldn’t.

He watches me, must hear the desperation in my voice, and slowly pulls his phone forward.

It rings, and rings a few more times. When it goes to voicemail he turns it off.

“I didn’t think that was an option,” Harry says and we laugh. It feels good.

“It’s only 10 maybe she’s asleep. Try one more time?”

He pulls my phone and tries again but it still goes to voicemail.

We sit there, unsure of what to do. We agree to try again later, in the afternoon.

But around half past 12, while Harry’s working in our spare room and I’m scrolling through my phone, it rings. I don’t think much of it and pick it up automatically.

“Hello?” It’s silent on the other end. “Hello?”

I wait, but as I do it dawns on me. Who called me?

I check my phone screen and swipe through as I say hello again. I match the number. It was her.

I run to Harry but the phone is still silent. I wave the paper with the number saying hello again.

“Is this…well you never gave us your name. But we got your letter. We’re so gl-“

The line goes dead and so does my heart.

“You called her again?” Harry whispers, his brows furrowing as he stares at the phone.

“She called.” I think about calling her back but that was pushy. She was backing out of this.

All of a sudden I feel myself giving out. I catch myself against the wall and slide down.

“She’s backing out. It must be…too much for her.”

Harry stares at a spot on the ground, a million thoughts flickering through. Finally it settles on acceptance. He sighs.

“We can’t force her to talk to us,” he says softly what I already know. But his words are like a saw to my resolve and I just start crying. He gathers me in his arms but the grief feels endless. It felt like she was slipping away again; I’d lost so much and I lost her again. She had been so close. How could she do this? Why did she reach out if she wasn’t ready?

Questions without answers. More of them piled on top of the lifetime of questions I’d built for her.

I know Harry feels the weight of them too. We carry them together. That’s the only reason I hadn’t broken yet.

But I come close to it that day. We don’t hear back from her. And we don’t try to call her back. It didn’t feel right.

It killed me she was so close. And something changes inside.

For weeks I feel like I’m on autopilot. It’s like my first semester of uni all over again.

Harry tries his best to keep me together but he struggles too. It makes me feel worse I was taking the bigger hit, not being there for him as much as I wanted. But life feels like a a million blankets covering me.

I try to keep my usual momentum for my classes, but I’m always exhausted after. It pulls me deeper into my sadness, something I loved made me so tried.

It’s a Thursday at the end of the semester and I’m marking exams during my study hours when there’s a light knock on the door.

I’m surprised to see an old student.

“Bridget,” I wave her in. “Come in, what can I do you for?”

“Hi professor-“

“Call me y/n, I’m not teaching you anymore am I?”

“No,” she says with a stiff smile. The last time I saw her was in February, I’d spotted her with Philippe and a few other friends at a local coffee shop. She had been explaining something to one of her friends from a textbook.

Now her hair was short and more pronounced with waves. I wonder if she styled it, her longer hair had been pin straight.

“I had a question?”

You already asked it, I want to joke. But she was usually wound up so I knew it wouldn’t land well.

“What’s that?”

“Um, well.” She perches on the chair and I wait patiently for her to continue. “Are you taking any applications for TA next year?”

I wasn’t expecting that. She always found a way to take me by surprise. I stare at her for a few seconds, trying to remember what year she was in.

“Aren’t you in first year? If I do TAs they’re usually 3rd or above.”

“I know,” she tucks her hair behind her ear. “But seeing that one of my majors is in econ and my gpa is really high, and I did well in your class, I wondered if you would consider me?”

I hadn’t done TAs since my first year of teaching. I found I liked the work because it got me more familiar with the class.

“What’s your other major?” She had said one of them was econ.

“Sociology, I’m pre-law.”

Ambitious. “Why TA for my class?”

She balks as she meets my gaze. There’s something that flits through her face that I can’t quite read before she drops eye contact.

“Um, I really enjoyed it. I did really well. I think you’re super smart and would learn a lot by TA-ing for you.”

“I don’t give special lessons to my TA,” I let her know. “You’d typically attend some of the classes, mark assignments, and maybe teach exam tutorials, and have office hours of your own for students.”

“I’m okay with that.”

“Why should I pick you?”

She pushes her shoulders back, “I’m responsible, dependable, I submit all my assignments on time and have experience teaching.”

“Teaching?”

“I used to tutor when I was in high school. I didn’t really get an allowance so I found a way to support my hobbies.”

“What are your hobbies?”

She blushes a little, was she still nervous? “I love reading, books are expensive.”

I nod. For Harry’s birthday I’d told him he could get any books from Waterstones and it had been over £100 for 3 only.

“I also enjoy cooking. And um, it’s been a while but my friends and I sometimes go to like. Do you know comic con?”

“Yes,” I’d seen things online.

“Yeah we liked to dress up for that sort of thing. We used to make our own outfits and usually the cost varies depending on what you’re making and how realistic you want it and…” she trails off as I smile. She was really enthusiastic about it. I couldn’t help it.

“Tell you what. Leave your number with me and I’ll think about it. I haven’t had a TA for the last few semesters but I am going to take this into consideration.”

“Really?!”

I laugh. “Yes. Really.”

“Um…” she starts to fidget again. “Can I leave my email? I’m getting a new phone soon so I-“

“Sure. Anywhere I can reach you.”

I expect her to get out a pen but she says it verbally and I type it out.

“Um, are you alright?” She asks out of the blue after I type in the last letter.

“Alright?” I raise my brow.

“I mean, you seem…I just heard, um.” She tries to backtrack but I ask her again and she spills. “Some people just said your last few classes seem scattered. Not that people don’t like you. I just…that’s what they were saying. And I don’t know if having a TA would help? And I just wanted to ask if you’re okay sorry I shouldn’t…it’s none of my business.”

God, this girl was so awkward. But she was sweet for caring, I think. “You’re not applying for the role because you feel bad that I seem…scattered right?”

She blushes. “Sorry. I think I said too much.”

I want to laugh but it strikes me that my students had noticed. I’d let it affect their learning. It didn’t feel very good.

“Life’s hitting me hard recently,” I tell her simply. “But I’m alright. Thank you for reaching out Bridget.”

As I finish up the semester I think about her. It wouldn’t hurt to have her TA for one of my lectures, see how she does. I didn’t care for TAs as a lecturer but something about her is compelling and I find myself emailing her in the middle of the night in June. She responds back a few minutes later,

Thank you!!! You’re the best. I’ll do whatever you need just tell me I can do anythingggh

Sent from iphone.

I laugh to myself as I put my phone away and go back to bed. My guesses were she was drunk at a party.

Harry’s asleep beside me and I reach out to touch his back but think better of it. He’d been busy at work with a project nearing its deadline and I didn’t want to accidentally wake him.

I turn around and try to drift off, thinking about my daughter, about how Harry and I hadn’t really talked much in the last two weeks, about my teaching, and my new TA.

Age 38:

It’s a depressing summer. The air of dashed hopes still hangs around Harry and I. It’s less thunder clouds and more of a fog.

One weekend morning, it’s one of those mornings that start off heavy. I can’t get out of bed, but I hear Harry pattering about doing his weekend morning thing. I hear the dishwasher turn on, and soon after he walks in with our laundry folded in a basket. I feel awful as I normally do, but not awful enough to get up and do anything about it. I think I’d have to feel less awful, to do that.

I don’t expect him to get in beside me once he’s finished putting everything away. He smells like laundry and shampoo, I must smell like rot and decay.

“Y/n,” he says gingerly. I just look at him in response. I felt too heavy to even reply. He sits up and calls my name again.

“Mm,” I say.

He sighs. Despite months of this Harry’s been nothing but understanding but this morning seems different.

Suddenly I’m being pulled up by my shoulders and I find myself sitting up in bed.

“Y/N,” Harry says again. I fold my arms as the duvet slips down and the cool air raises goosebumps. “I love you, which is why it’s so hard seeing you like this. You have to get on, my love. We have to move forward. It’s been months.”

All I could remember after our daughter hung the phone up on us was when I almost got to hold her. Right after she was born, I almost got to hold her but they took her away. And that piece of me that followed after her was nearly returned. It was that almost that was a death blow.

“It’s hard,” I feel myself tear up. It was hard not to these days.

“I know baby,” Harry scoops me into him. “I know. It’s hard for me too but we have to get better. We have to live our lives. She’ll come back to us, I just know it. She’s scared, we’re hopeful. Fear’s gonna keep her away. Hope keeps us patient.”

I cry into his shirt and he rocks me.

“I’m sorry,” I say into his shirt.

“It’s alright,” he grips the back of my neck.

So for Harry, for us, I try to get back to myself. I start to pick up my outdoor hobbies, I try to keep conversations going with Harry, I reintroduce my multi-step night routine. I look forward and re-light the candle of hope, even though I ache to blow it out before it can burn down to its wick.

My wounds inside stay tender.

We had booked our wedding for November and as the days approach we find ourselves with one thing on our mind.

Harry and I finally talk about it.

“I always thought she’d be there at the wedding once she reached out.”

We’re sat in an outdoor space near King’s Cross, coffees in hand as we people watch. We’d just come back from a cake tasting and neither of us felt like going home with such a glorious August day. Kids splash in the water sprinklers and couples sit around arm in arm. I touch shoulders with Harry unconsciously.

“Me too. I think that’s what’s kept me from mentally committing to the fact that the date is coming closer.”

“It can’t be forever,” Harry says. “She reached out. She just needs time. She’ll call again one day and we’ll meet her.”

“I know.” I lean my head on his shoulder. This was a realization I’d also been slowly digesting. I’d waited 18 years, what was a few more months, another year? Her baby picture lived on our fridge, at least we were one step closer.

And the love, I had to remind myself in these moments. Hold onto the love.

***

“I can’t stay for this class,” Bridget tells me. It’s the second week of classes and there were still 10 minutes until it officially started.

“Is everything alright?”

“Not really,” that’s when I notice her nose is red and her eyes are too. “My um, my parents had to put my dog down. She…she wasn’t feeling well yesterday and the-they found cancer? And she was in a lot of pain but she never showed it? And-“

I put my hand on Briget’s shoulder and lead her to the exit. There was no reason for the whole class to see this.

“Sorry. I’m-“

“Don’t apologize.” I rub her shoulder. “I understand. Take the time you need I have this covered.”

True to her word, Bridget had been a loyal TA over the summer. I considered it a trial run not expecting much but she had shown up, aced marking, and I’d gotten good feedback from the students at the end of the semester.

I’d also taken to her. She’d join me during my 2 hours every Monday and when no students would come she would loosen up. She’d told me all about the dog she grew up with, she showed me costumes her friends and her made, I’d asked her about the books she was reading and the classes she was taking. It was like having a younger sister again, except I was mature enough to appreciate her.

“I didn’t even get to say goodbye,” Bridget says and this statements seems to be the breaking point. She curls in on herself, shoulders shaking. I don’t even think, I just pull her into me like I would for Harry, for Taylor, for any of my friends.

“You have a lifetime of memories with her,” I hold her. At first she stiffens up and I almost let her go but she only breaks down further and wraps her arms around me. Tighter than I expected.

“I wish I said goodbye,” she says into my shoulder.

“I know hon,” I squeeze her against me, something maternal washing over me. “I know.”

After a minute or so she regains her composure, wiping her face with her sleeve. When she looks at me she looks so much younger, her face grief-stricken and regretful.

“I’m sorry-“

“Don’t be.”

She seems to want to say something more but whatever it is, she swallows it and takes a step away.

I don’t see her for two weeks and I miss her.

When she walks into the lecture the first week of October I try not to rush her but I’m overjoyed seeing her face. It had become so familiar to me.

She smiles shyly when she walks up to me and I pull her into a hug. This time she doesn’t stiffen.

“How are you?” I whisper. Students were still trickling in so I use the time to catch up.

“Okay. Better than that day I cried all over you sorry again. I went home last week, thanks for letting me take it off.”

“Of course. You forget I’ve been doing this without a TA before you. I can hold down the fort.”

She cracks a smile, her dimple making a rare appearance.

“By the way, week 10’s lecture is supposed to be cancelled.” I tell her later during office hours. “But I wondered if you wanted to hold a tutorial that week for some of the material?”

“Really?” A light comes on in her eye. It’s fiery and bright with excitement.

“Yeah! You know the material! I’ll leave you with slides and you can go about teaching them.”

“I’d love to!” She grips her laptop close to her. “Wait why is it cancelled?”

“I’m getting married that week!”

The light dims. Or maybe I imagine it.

“Oh! I thought you were married already?”

“No,” I’d referred to Harry as my partner any time he was brought up. “We’re getting married in November. You’ve met him actually, kind of, that night we ran into you and some students at the pub. Last year?”

“Oh yeah I remember,” she says but her eyes are somewhere else. “So you’re getting married?”

“Yes Bridget,” I laugh. “Married. Tying the knot. You alright?”

“Yeah,” she blinks and she’s back. “You never mentioned the wedding. Do you have a dress?”

“Yeah! Just finalized the tailoring last week. Most things are ready, we’re just finalizing the rings!”

“Cool!” She fidgets with the hem of her shirt. “Is it in London?”

“Yeah, it’s not too big but we didn’t want people travelling too far. This is where Harry and I were born and raised so this is where we want to marry too.”

“Wow,” she seems lost in thought and she stays pretty quiet the rest of the time. I didn’t realize my news was that surprising.

Maybe I still didn’t have Bridget completely figured out.

***

“Harry I can’t pick them up! I need to get home and then head back out to class!”

“Y/n it’s on your way home!”

“Not really! It’s a 30 minute detour. Why can’t you do it?”

“Because you can still get to him right before he closes. I won’t be done here until after he closes. I’m sorry love!”

“Agh and why can’t he do tomorrow?”

“He’s off until Saturday! We need it today.”

It’s the Wednesday before we marry and our rings are still at the jeweller’s. He’d finished them last weekend but we’d been so busy with other things we hadn’t had time to pick it up. And now it was either today and be late for class, or the day of the wedding.

I had gotten delayed at work and missed Harry’s texts explaining the situation. I’d only responded while on the tube, but going out of my way for 30 minutes meant I’d be 30 minutes late to get back to class. And since I’d left marked assignments at home that the kids needed for next week’s tutorial, I had no choice but to head back.

The idea hits me at once.

I hang up on Harry and ring Bridget. She picks up right away.

“Bridget, I’m on a crazy tight schedule. I’m going to be late to class by half hour at least.”

“Oh no. Is everything alright?”

“Yeah it’s just wedding thing but can you do something crazy? And feel free to say no okay?”

“Okay?”

I explain to her that if she rode to my flat, Harry would be there by then and she could pick up marked assignment. She can delay class by taking them up.

She’s silent but eventually I get a yes. “Okay. Can you text me your address?”

“Yes! Yes. Thank you Bridget. I owe you your trip fare and lunch or something. I’ll text you now, leave as soon as you can!”

I call Harry again and confirm he’d be home by the time she arrived. Everything works out.

I get the rings, and have to head home so Harry can try his on. The jeweller was expecting both of us, and let me know he couldn’t do adjustments if I didn’t text him by today. Just my luck!

When I get to the flat I tell Harry not to read his inscription but to try it on and thankfully it fits.

“Hey,” Harry calls out as I try to rush back out the door.

“What?” I was out of breath and frantic.

“Slow down,” he pulls me into a lingering kiss and despite being breathless before, I get some air into my lungs when we part.

“Sorry, so hectic.”

“I know I’m sorry,” he strokes my cheek. “I would have gone if I could make it. Also don’t be mad.”

“Be mad?” I let go of the door handle. “What did you do?”

“Your TA stopped by, Bridget. I forgot she was coming so I didn’t have your papers ready. I invited her in and she was in the living room looking at our pictures and she stopped in front of the baby picture. Of our daughter.”

“Okay,” did Harry tell her our history? I get antsy. “And?”

“Well she asked if that was our daughter. And I didn’t know what to say, if you’ve said anything to her? I panicked?” Harry runs his hand through his hair. “I just changed the subject.”

“Okay, that’s not bad. What’s the bad part I don’t get it?”

“Well. I changed the subject and told her she should come to the wedding.”

My jaw drops. “Harry.”

“I know! I know I’m sorry! I know she technically works for you, she was a student, all that! You’re so fond of her though maybe it’s not a bad thing?”

“Harry that’s…she was my student! I’m a prof at that school I…is that even allowed?”

“Yes? I panicked and googled it.”

I groan, “I swear you’re getting worse the closer we get to the wedding.”

The other week he had tried to buy out a whole bakery in case there wasn’t enough cake for our guests.

“You can tell her we have a full guest list? I don’t know what came over me! She just looked at me with those puppy eyes and she asked about the picture and I tried to talk about something else but the only thing on my mind-“

I kiss him. Just to shut him up. I was getting really late.

“This is like that book club you were tricked into joining all over again-“

“Hey I really like that book club now! It might be a good thing!”

“We’ll talk later.” I shake my head at him. “It’s fine, it’s not a big deal. It’s weird but what’s one more guest?”

“I also said plus one.”

I let out a long exhale and then kiss Harry again. I didn’t want him spiralling while I was gone.

“Baby don’t worry, it’s okay. I’m fine with it. We’ll talk when I get home?”

I mull over it on the ride to uni. But I can’t find a way to uninvite her without it being awful. I text our wedding planner if we could squeeze in two more seats and she gives me the thumbs up.

I did have a soft spot for Bridget, and technically I’ve known her for over a year now.

During office hours, we get a few people in for the first half hour. Then we’re back to just the two of us.

“Thanks for taking over today,” I tell her. “I really appreciate it.”

“That’s alright. Happy to help out.”

An awkward silence slithers in.

“So my partner invited you to our wedding.”

“Yeah! I didn’t know if that was serious am I…?”

She looked so hopeful I couldn’t shoot her down. “Yes! I have a couple people from the faculty coming. And some colleagues from my day job. You’ll probably have to sit with them but?”

“That’s fine!” She’s chirpy Bridget again. “I’d love to. That would mean a lot.”

I watch her as the smile stays on and she gets out her phone, typing away. Maybe her friends, her plus one.

I realize I’m not entirely against it. It had happened, and I was okay.

***

I stare at myself in the mirror, smoothing down my dress in a nervous habit. I never thought I’d get married twice, I always thought after Tatum I was done with marriage, but Harry would always be the exception.

I feel a flutter of nerves thinking about him. Walking down the aisle to him. We started talking on a rooftop one day, we had just been two kids.

“You better not cry,” Taylor threatens as she walks into the room. She had gone to fetch lash glue after my teary eyes loosened an edge.

“I’m not,” I say weakly.

She stands beside me in the mirror, “They’re all waiting downstairs.”

Just 30 minutes ago this room had been a chaotic mess. From my mum, to my friends, to the wedding planner. I’m kind of glad my lash came loose, I’m able to ground myself in these few minutes of silence.

Taylor talks about our family downstairs as she fixes my face. I get up with her help and she beams, but her eyes look misty.

“What is it?” I ask.

“Nothing!”

“Why do you look sad what happened?”

“Oh my god calm down, I just can’t believe you and Harry are getting your happy ending! I’m just…emotional.”

“Aww,” I cup her face even though I want to squeeze my baby sister against me. But my white dress, although not entirely traditional, would be ruined for the ceremony.

A ping on her phone—mum. We rush out. It feels like getting caught when we were younger and quickly getting away from the scene of the crime. I grip my sister’s hand until I stand in front of the doors leading down the aisle.

I don’t remember walking, it felt more like floating. Even if there was a chimpanzee and a talking dog in the pews I wouldn’t have noticed. My eyes are locked on Harry’s teary ones, they anchor me as I glide towards the man I’ve never stopped loving. Who always saw all of me.

When he reaches for my hand I grasp it and I know I made the right decisions. Even the painful ones. After all, I wanted to be nowhere but here.

“Y/N,” Harry reads his vows to me and I try not to cry as he sweeps me away with his delicate words about our love story.

“To be so deeply known by another, without even saying a word, shouldn’t make sense and yet with us we have a language that goes beyond words. A brush of your hand or a look in my direction, it can be enough to unload whatever burden I’d just been carrying. I promise to do the same for you, and to never end this dialogue between us. To love you and to cherish you forever.”

Harry couldn’t keep the tears in and they slide down his cheeks as he reads his words out to me. I reach out instinctively and brush his tear away and he laughs because I was doing it again.

“You’re can’t make me cry in my makeup,” I tell him and our guests laugh.

I had sat and thought so hard about my own vows. In the end after 50 versions, I’d settled on short and sweet.

“Harry, when we first spoke on the rooftop of that party in high school,” I say at my turn. “You told me everything you wanted. One of them was to make the world a better place. And I don’t know if you still want those things as much now as you did then, but one thing is true. You’re made my world a better place. I can’t imagine doing life without you. I love you with all of my heart, there’s no equation that could calculate how much.”

Harry grins at me and my breath catches. My man, he was my Harry.

We finish our vows with a kiss and a lot of noise from the crowd. When we turn to everyone I’m struck by how lucky we were.

The absence of our daughter was tough but when it came to love we had an abundance of it. I see it in every smiling and shiny face in the crowd. It’s like photographing a sunny day with one of those old school films, the sun is covered by a dark spot but the rays still wash everything in gold.

Harry squeezes my hand and I look up to him. He’s already looking at me.

He holds his hand up and lets out a whoop before he pulls my face towards him again for an even longer and borderline inappropriate kiss. I feel myself start to blush in front of the crowd.

We start down the aisle and this time I beam at every guest I catch eyes with.

My mum and Harry’s wave with tear-streaked faces. My friends from high school shout out, always the biggest supporters of our relationship. I catch eyes with Bridget, forgetting for a second she was here. Philippe is beside her, but what’s surprising is her blotchy face. I didn’t take her for someone who got emotional at weddings. I throw her a wave and she smiles through the tears.

Whoever ordered weddings to have a small break between the ceremony and the reception deserved a billion dollars. Harry and I spend the quiet moment doing our outfit change but afterwards we hold each other and let the moment sink in. The day sink in.

“We’re married,” Harry whispers when I tell him we should get going so we weren’t late.

“We took the long way to get here didn’t we?”

“Yeah,” he tucks me under his chin again and even though we would be late we just sway together for a little while. Our own private first dance, before the one for our family and friends.

“We did it all quite backwards actually.” I look up to him.

“Yeah, but we were never ordinary.”

“No, and I don’t think anything we’ve ever done is either.”

“Including our kid. I really wish she were here.”

“We’ll tell her all about it one day,” I promise him. His face eases into a loving smile, the fact that we’d made it to a place again where I can comfort him about this said a lot. Said we’d make it through everything, despite.

“I don’t want to do life with anyone else y/n, I have everything I need right here.”

“Remember that day at Whole Foods?” I remind him. “The first time we bumped into each other.”

“It’s a core memory,” Harry remembers. “I feel like the sun never set on that day. Getting to see you after all those years…it’s cheesy but it felt like coming home.”

“Yeah,” I nod. “Me too. I recognized you by the back of your head did I ever tell you that?”

“Stared at it enough in maths, of course you did.”

“That’s probably why I did so poorly that year remember,” I laugh. “Just staring at the back of your head.”

“That’s why I never sat anywhere but in front of you.” He swipes lightly down my nose and I smile. “Now I get to see every angle of you whenever I want.”

“Oi,” I slap his chest. “Save it for tonight.”

He brushes my cheek. Under his gaze I’m stripped naked. There was nothing to hide with him, ever.

“I understand how long it took you to get ready,” he says in his deep silky voice. My stomach flips. “So I can’t do anything right now. But y/n, our wedding night will turn into a wedding dawn, and then to day again. I promise you.”

I tip-toe, even in my heels, and brush my lips along his cheek. In his ear I whisper, “I don’t expect anything less.”

I step away, feeling unravelled by the look of desire in his eyes. I’m sure I had the same look of want. But before we can give in to what we wanted to do, I open the door to our suite and embrace the gust of cool air.

“You should get some air too,” I say and he laughs, following me behind.

***

“Bitch!” Taylor comes up to me on the dance floor later that night. We had dinner, Harry and I had our first dance, there’d been toasts and tears in between. I was finally letting loose as the wedding party crowds the dance floor. We had been taking pictures all night, after this next glass of champagne I was going to call it quits on photos lest anyone captures anything that’s not an elegant bride.

“What?” I turn away from Harry to face Taylor. She’d been running around all day making sure my wedding day was perfect and seeing her just warms me with love. I squeeze her against me despite her protests. “I love you Taylor. Thank you for everything!”

“Ugh c’mon,” she wriggles out. She’d never been very affectionate.

“Where’s your bloke?” I look out for him.

“He taking a call. Anyway don’t change the fucking subject!”

“What subject!?” I ask as someone dances past me, fluttering their fingers in my direction. I blow them a kiss.

“C’mere,” she’s annoyed I’m distracted. She drags me off to the side and I hold a finger up to Harry as he watches us. “When the fuck were you going to tell us about her? And you invite her to your wedding and everything and nobody knows anything!?”

“What?” I was drunker than I thought or Taylor was making no sense. “Wha?”

“The girl you just took a photo with? Don’t act stupid Y/N jeez I can’t believe it. You hid it from me when it happened but why are you still hiding…”

My sister grows more upset as she talks, I realize it was serious. Taylor rarely allowed herself to get this worked up in public.

I put my hand on her shoulder but she shakes it off. I think hard about who she was talking about. Who had I just taken photos with?

Some of Harry’s friends took a picture lifting us up, then there was a photo with my cousin but that can’t be who Taylor was talking about. There was Andie, a few other friends and their partners, then Bridget and Bridget and Philippe.

Bridget.

“Wait what are…who do you think that is? Taylor I work-“

“Your daughter! Why are you still acting fucking clueless!”

“What’s happening?” Harry walks in mid-way into the conversation.

“God you too!” Taylor turns to him and hits the back of her hand on his chest. He rubs the spot and stares at her like she’d gone crazy.

“Me too what?”

“Harry?” His mum walks up to us, her brows pulled together the same way Harry’s does when he’s confused.

“Yeah?”

“Who’s that girl? With the brown hair? Purple dress?”

She’s eyeing Bridget who’s laughing with Philippe.

“Bridget?” Harry glances at me and Taylor grows more pink.

“Bridget? That’s her name?” Taylor blinks away tears. “Really y/n? I get when it happened I was a child, you and mom kept it from me. But she’s, you invite her to you-“

“Invite who?!” I shout. What the hell did Taylor think.

“Y/n,” Harry puts his hand on my lower back in warning.

“Your daughter?” Taylor says with teary eyes and a look of betrayal on her face. “That’s your daughter isn’t it? She looks just like…”

“Jesus I thought the same thing,” Anne looks at all of us. “Harry?”

“That’s not-“ he stops talking and we all look over at her. I had to say, right now she really could be. With her hair curled and wearing what she’s wearing. She could be family.

“She’s my TA. I’ve known her for a couple years guys I’ve bloody taught her. That’s not our daughter. She wasn’t even supposed to be here tonight? Harry invited her last minute.”

They all turn to look at me. Taylor looks miffed, she bites her lip as she looks at her one last time.

“That’s weird. Nevermind.”

She leaves like she didn’t just make a big scene. Anne covers her hand with her mouth and shakes her head. “I’m sorry loves, I didn’t mean to upset anyone-“

“You didn’t do anything,” I reassure her. Taylor did. And she couldn’t even say sorry.

“Don’t worry mum,” Harry pays her arm. She fades into the crowd and Harry stands in front of me so all I see is him. “She’ll get air, she’ll be fine.”

“But how could she just cause such a big scene like I’d hide something like that from her? On my wedding day! And then leave without even apologizing ugh! She is still such a brat sometimes!”

“I know, she’ll apologize later just let her be.” He knew Taylor enough. He knew her at 13 and he knew her now. That’s exactly what she would do. “We’re getting you a shot.”

“That’s the last thing I need! I’m already kinda tipsy Har.”

“This won’t tip you over c’mon. Shake it off.”

He leads me to the bar and we take a shot. I nearly spill half of it, it was awful whatever it was. I lose Harry as we get back to the dancing and end up behind Bridget instead. Philippe noticed me first and slows his dancing, which signals Bridget to turn around.

“Y/n!” Her smile is so bright it hurts to look at. It dims as I just stare at her.

It would be crazy. It was a big fat coincidence. She had a mum, a dad, a sister, she told me all about them. Her childhood dog and the time she twisted her ankle playing football in year 4. She wasn’t who we wanted her to be.

“Are you alright?” I read her lips. There’s only ringing in my ears. “Hey! Y/n!”

Philippe is suddenly on my other side and I’m being led to a chair. He disappears and Bridget pulls a chair beside me.

“What’s,” my voice sticks and I clear my throat. “What’s going on between you two? He’s your date?”

“Philippe?” Bridget’s brows draw together and I can’t stop looking at where they meet. I knew her. I didn’t know her. I was too afraid to ask. “No just friends.”

“That’s not the way he’s looking at you.”

“What?” She tucks her hair back. “No we’ve been friends since high school. It’s not like that?”

“What would you do if he got a girlfriend?” It was a random conversation to have, here and right now but it helps me from tumbling anywhere else. Especially into a pool of what-ifs.

“I’d,” she shrugs but a flicker passes through her face, for a second her jaw clenches. “Be happy for him.”

“Liar!”

“I’m not! Why are you asking?”

“You two like each other. I see the way he looks at you when you’re not looking. Why did you invite him tonight?”

She shrugs, picking at something on her arm. “I dunno. He’s good at being a plus one. He always supports me? He’s always been there for me.”

“Sorry,” he shows up with a glass of water. “I swear the guy behind the bar was ignoring me.”

“Thank you Philippe,” by now I didn’t really need the water but I hold the icy glass in my hands. “Let’s see the pictures you took. I want them in my inbox or something soon. We don’t get our official photos for months.”

“Oh yeah here,” Phillipe hands over his phone after opening the photo. There are a couple of all of us, and then a few with just Bridget standing between Harry and I smiling.

I look between all three of us and feel something in my gut. But it’s too scary and big to unpack right now. I shove it away. I couldn’t do this. Not today, not tonight.

“You look beautiful Bridget,” I touch a lock of her hair. “Did I already say that?”

“Yeah,” she smiles awkwardly. “You said that before the photo.”

“You do. And so do you Philippe. Thank you for attending my wedding.”

“Thanks for inviting us,” Bridget looks at me wide-eyed, like she’s about to say something but when Philippe’s hand lands on her shoulder she looks down.

“What?” I ask anyway. Her eyes dart like prey to me, to Philippe, and down to her hands. I grab her hand and force her to look at me, like I could read something in her eyes. Like I would know. “Bridget.”

She looks up and her eyes well with tears as we look into each other’s eyes. My throat feels tight like I was having an allergic reaction, it travels down to my chest, I inadvertently feel myself squeezing her hand.

“I’m so-“

“Bridget,” Philippe’s voice cuts through whatever Bridget was going to apologize for. I look up at him and he’s burning a hole staring at her that hard. Over his head I see Harry.

“Oh look I see my husband,” Harry’s spots me too, relief in his features. His eyes stay on my face as he walks towards me and his eyes keep my steady. I want to tell him something, but everything that just happened was so non-verbal and unreal that I think I made it all up. I must be because this was insane and there was no explanation other than I was drunk, and sadder than I realized. “Gotta go kids. Have fun. I think I need another shot.”

I remember the rest of the night in snapshots. I forget myself later, giving myself up to Harry after that. We actually make it to dawn in a mixture of love and declarations, filthy words and I love yous, laughter and deeper conversations. It’s everything we were. It’s just like he promised.

***

Life moves on and I don’t bring anything up to Harry. I couldn’t, either I’m wrong and get his hopes up, or he thinks I’d gone insane in my sadness.

I feel like Bridget avoids me the week after, I return to class and she sits there, even takes questions after class, but she makes an excuse of studying during office hours and I barely get a few words with her. The week after she has an exam and she skips out after class.

I’m antsy. I want to know more about her; from her. I’m tempted to find a way to access her profile, get more info via the school. But I wait.

Harry notices, as we prep for our honeymoon booked over the holidays, he continues to ask if I was alright. And I try to convince us both I was.

About 3 weeks after the wedding, it’s a Saturday afternoon. Harry’s making lunch and I’m sitting in a pile of our books trying to decide what can be donated.

“Can you get that?” Harry asks.

“Hm?”

“The door?” He says just as there’s another knock. I’d been so entranced in the book I’d randomly started reading a passage of I hadn’t even heard.

I scramble to get it before the next knock and nearly stumble back when I find Bridget at the door.

“Hiya,” she says with an awkward wave.

“Hi…Bridget. What…come in what’s going on?”

“Sorry? Now that I’m here I should have called first.” She comes in and I go further in, waiting for her to follow. She hesitates before peeling her wet boots off.

“Harry? We have a guest,” I announce as I take her further into the home. I guess she’d already been here once before. “Bridget what can we do you for? Did you need something?”

“Bridget!” Harry pops out of the kitchen into the adjoined living room when we get closer. “Nice to see you again! I’m nearly done lunch, did you want to stay?”

What was it with Harry randomly inviting Bridget to things that were not pre-discussed.

“Um, I no. I probably shouldn’t. I just, came by to talk?”

“Sure,” I lead her to our dining table. “Is it about school? Did something happen?”

I sit across from her and Harry mumbles something, turning the dials down on the stovetop before sitting beside me.

Bridget’s eyes dart everywhere, from me to Harry, to the pictures on the wall, the kitchen, the books all over the floor.

“I was just doing a clearout,” I say to fill the silence. “Hey you like books right? Look through that pile there later if you want any of ‘em.”

“Actually,” she tucks her hair behind her ear. I feel Harry tense beside me. “I have a book for you.”

She leans down to where her tote rests and pulls something out. She lays it on her lap first, where we can’t see it. When she looks up to us she has tears in her eyes and her chin quivers.

“Please,” she whispers before pausing. My stomach drops as I take her in. Her face is blotchy and her hair hangs around her face, hiding half of it. She’s definitely cried before coming here, and I almost feel like deja vu as she places the book on the table. “Please don’t hate me.”

She slides it across to us. It’s just a simple leather hardcover, about 30cm by 30cm. The thing in my gut, the suspicion or the intuition, it turns into a cackling ball of energy and moves up to my sternum. I put my hand over it, and then move it to Harry’s leg. He’s frozen like a statue, staring at the book.

“Please open it?” Bridget says with tears streaking her face.

When Harry doesn’t make a move I pull it the rest of the way towards us. I open the first page to a few baby pictures.

I’d never held her in my hands, never even saw her. I’d pushed her out into this world, into another’s arms. But somehow I know who this is.

“Bridget,” I don’t even look at her. I start to frantically flip through the pages. The baby grows, 2 months, 6 months, 1 years old. Another girl joins in some photos, she always has an arm around the other child. I flip and flip and flip and even though I’m expecting it the photo stops my breathing.

I stare at the clone, or the original, of the photo on my fridge.

I’m frozen until another photo is slid towards us. It comes into view: two teenagers on Halloween night. The guy is dressed like the girl, the girl is dressed like the guy.

I throw my chair back and in the time it takes to walk to Bridget she stands too.

“I’m so sorry,” she sobs but I just do what I wanted to do the second she was born.

I hug her. I hold her to my chest the way I never got to over 19 years ago. She belonged here. She never got to be here.

She was finally home. My daughter.

“Bridget,” I cry into her hair. Harry’s hair. She had Harry’s hair, his eyes. She got my nose and everything else. I was holding my daughter. She was in my arms, finally.

She really did look like Taylor as a baby.

“I’m sorry,” she cries again. “I was so scared and I screwed up and-“

“No.” I say fiercely. I push her out of the hug so I can grab her face. I wipe her tears and I nearly cry again. How many tears had I missed? Over skinned knees, playground taunts, first crushes and friendship breakups. How many tears had I missed? “Don’t say that. You’re here. You’re—Harry!”

I turn to him, why wasn’t he here?

He’s sat exactly where he was before. Frozen, staring at a spot between the picture of us and Bridget.

I let go of Bridget and move back to him.

“Baby,” I touch his arm and he springs up. Tears coat his lashes.

“‘Scuse me,” he brushes past me and heads out into the hall. Away from us. I want to go after him but I don’t want to leave Bridget—our daughter, alone.

“I’m sorry I knew I would ruin things I-“

“Please,” I want to go after him so bad but I go to Bridget and pull her into a gentler hug. When we part I keep hold of her shoulders. I never wanted to let her go. “He’s just processing it. He’s fine. He’s not mad at you I promise. Promise.”

She bites her lip, it reminds me of Taylor. She was a bit of everyone I knew and loved. She was the love that Harry and I always had. She was ours.

“I just got so scared when I tried to reach…I didn’t mean to deceive you. I didn’t. I felt terrible every day.”

“It’s okay,” I tuck her hair behind her ear. “There’s nothing to be sorry about-“

“But I saw you,” she cuts me off. “After I finally called you back and then just like, ghosted you. And every time I saw you at school it was like…I knew I was to blame. And it made me want to tell you even more but I got more scared any time I came close to it. I almost said it at your wedding—it would have been so stupid. Philippe stopped me.”

“I understand,” I did. I also didn’t care about any of it. She was here. That’s all I cared about. I wanted to know everything about her, I needed Harry here though. “Look Harry…your…Harry. I’m just going to check on him. You stay here and just…”

I trail off and leave. I had to be sure he was okay.

He’s not in the bedroom, or the office. I try the door to the toilet and it opens, he’s sitting on the edge of the tub with his head in his hands.

“She leave?” He asks in a hoarse voice.

“Oh baby,” I crouch in front of him. “No. She’s still here but I just wanted to check on you.”

“I’m pathetic,” he buries his hands in his hair. “I’ve been waiting my whole adult life for this and all I do is freeze. Her first impression is of her dad just freezing and then running away.”

I try not to laugh at his dramatic retelling. “Har you know that’s not true. She’s known you before this. It was a shock-“

“You were fine.”

“You know I…always suspected. Especially after the wedding.”

He looks up at that, finally. “You never said.”

“Harry, I felt crazy. Saying it out loud would have forced me to check myself into the psych ward. We all react differently, it doesn’t matter though. Our baby girl is here. The day we talked about!”

He takes a deep breath, and then another one. I guide him to stand and he looks so limp and sad that I squeeze him in a hug. “She doesn’t care how you reacted. She just wants to know you.”

Harry sighs again, he splashes his face with water and we walk out. I was nervous for him.

We walk back into the living room and my heart sinks when Bridget isn’t there. But her things are?

A few steps further and she’s at the stovetop, stirring a pot.

“Oh sorry,” she steps back and nearly throws the spatula into the pot. “It was boiling a lot and-“

“Bridget,” Harry ignores most of what she’s saying and she freezes at the sound of her name. He’s a foot away from her now. I watch him raise a hand to her face and then drop it. His face is a cross between heartbreak and awe as they drink each other in. I wait in anticipation.

“Hi,” she finally says shyly. But it breaks the ice. Harry pulls her into a hug and she returns it tenfold from the looks of it. I can’t tell who’s crying, but I give them their moment as I turn the dials off on the stovetop.

It was just a regular Saturday, except it wasn’t. Our worlds exploded with our past and was putting itself back together again, all the old broken pieces were being mended back together with love. My chest drowns in it, I can barely breathe. In Harry’s arms, there’s no denying she’s ours.

***

“Thank you,” Bridget says as we tuck into dinner. Harry’s lunch prep had gone cold as we’d all sat down and talked about how Bridget found us (looking me up, finding out I was teaching a course she was interested in, forcing her friend Philippe to take it to see if I was who she thought I was), and going through her album. I found out more about her sister Louisa and her parents. It was weird seeing pictures of them, in my mind they were the people that took my baby as their own and for Bridget they were mum and dad.

We finally decide to do something about food when our stomachs rumble. Harry goes back to cooking, showing Bridget what he’s doing until she leaves to take a call. I recognize Philippe on the caller ID.

I take Bridget’s place but I’m more of an extra weight tied to Harry’s back as I hug hun from behind. We don’t even have words on what this all means to us. For now, just touching each other keeps us grounded, it keeps is in what was happening together.

Bridget comes back from the call when we’re nearly done.

“I just want to say I am sorry—and I know you said not to be,” Bridget says quickly before I can get a word in. “But I never meant to deceive the both of you. My plan was to take your class, leave the letter and then talk. I Googled you so much it felt like I knew you. Yet when we spoke in your office that day, you felt familiar but In a different way than the person I studied. I just liked you so much, and I wanted you to like me. I was scared maybe you wouldn’t. So I just screwed the plan and messed up everything.”

“Hey,” Harry hands her a tissue and she takes it. Under the table he squeezes my hand. “It’s in the past.”

“I know. Still made me feel awful. And I couldn’t tell you but I also couldn’t stay away. I applied for TA and, it felt like having a friend and a sister and a mentor all in one. And I…I screwed up. I took it too far. And then you invited me to your wedding—I got to attend my parents’ wedding! It was so absurd. I couldn’t stop crying.”

Sounded like me. But I don’t say anything. We listen to her attentively.

“I only told my sister. I wanted to tell you two before I told my parents.”

I think about my parents. Harry’s. I didn’t want to overwhelm her but I couldn’t wait to introduce her to everyone that already loved her.

“I just hope…no, I know I hurt you two a lot. I didn’t mean to. I am really sorry about it all.”

“Bridget,” Harry’s hand comes down on hers. “What’s done is over. There are so many things we wish we did differently but ultimately it’s all done. All that matters is you’re here, now. You’re our daughter we never got to meet and you’re finally here.”

Harry’s voice cracks on the last word and he sits back and laughs away the tears. “Sorry. I’m a mess today aren’t I? Your first impression of me is a crying mess.”

“That’s not my first impression,” Bridget laughs but her eyes also fill with tears. “That night at the pub. When I saw you two together I nearly bloody fainted! When I looked you up y/n, there’d been an old wedding registry with another bloke. But then seeing you two together?! I just couldn’t believe it—I thought I dreamed it. And then I nearly cried because my bio parents were somehow together?? And the way you just stared into my soul it felt like you knew who I was.”

I laugh, remembering but also knowing exactly what look Bridget was talking about. “He does have a piercing look doesn’t he?”

“Yeah. It could gut someone!”

“That makes it sound awful!” Harry laughs. “Don’t say that.”

“It nearly gutted me! I really thought oh shite—“ Bridget freezes and looks between us like we were gonna scold her for swearing and I nearly leap across the table to hug her again then. “I uhm, I thought you knew who I was.”

“We thought it then,” I let my eyes roam over her. I realize I’d always been a mother, despite not having my daughter. Holding her earlier had awoken an instinct in me and now every time I look at her I feel a rush of love and something fierce. I wonder if Harry felt it too. “But we thought we were mental!”

Her phone chimes as we laugh. She flips it around and then tucks it into her purse.

“You need to take that?” Harry asks.

“No it’s just Philippe. He was at the wedding? I was just talking to him, I hadn’t texted him in a while he wanted to know how it went.”

“Philippe,” I say with a knowing smile. Bridget blushes and Harry asks what he’s missing out on so I fill him in.

“He sounds like a good lad,” Harry comments.

“A good lad?” I repeat. “Are you hearing him?”

Bridget laughs behind her hand and I can’t stop staring at her. I have to force myself to go back to eating.

“He is. I might have told him about how I felt?”

“Wow,” I put my fork down. “You’re confessing an awful lot lately.”

She blushes even deeper. And suddenly I’m grateful of the weird and layered way she’d come into our lives. Despite hiding the truth, it had allowed us to get to know each other as people first. Without any baggage or give me any inclination to fit who I thought she should be onto who was in front of me.

I got to know her for the young woman she was first, so did Harry in a way. And I would be forever grateful for that despite all the pain in between.

“Sorry,” I get up. The affection was overflowing from my cup. “I’m going to give you another hug because I just can’t believe all this.”

“Ohh,” Bridget stands to meet me and we wrap our arms around each other. Here was a girl I already knew, here was my daughter waiting to be known.

“God, she really is our daughter.” Harry quips from his side of the table. He explains when Bridget looks over at him, “y/n is known to be a big touchy person, I’m kinda like that too.”

“Oh my god,” she smiles at us. “I’m like that too! My sister hates hugs. My dad’s 2 pats on the back man, 3 if he’s feeling a lot. I always wondered if…”

She trails off. It seems to hit all of us all over again every so often. For me it’s when she talks about her mum and dad and it’s not Harry and I. The reminder that she went 19 years becoming her own person that we now were catching up on.

For her, it seems it was realizing all the parts of us that were in her.

“You got Harry’s hair, and eyes.” I comment.

“I did! I realized that as soon as I saw a photo online. But I do look a bit like you.”

“You do! I should show you some younger pictures of us and our families. You’ll see more similarities.”

“Wow. So you have a younger sister. How about you Harry?”

“Older sister. Seems we all have sisters.”

Bridget and I make eye contact, remembering a conversation we had what feels like ages ago about having sisters.

We continue our dinner, swapping stories and filling her in on anything she wants to know. She leaves after, claiming to have to get back home, she had an exam on Monday to study for.

When she leaves Harry and I can’t stop talking about her. Or gushing would be more accurate.

“Did you see the way she laughs?” I’d tell him. “Pure you!”

“The way she tucks her hair back,” he would retaliate. “Just like you. You did that especially back in secondary.”

We talk until we’re exhausted, crawling into bed just staring in wonder. There were still so many details to figure out, so many things to cover, it could drown a person thinking of it all.

But like an anchor in the sea, Harry and I fall asleep with hand clasped together. We keep each other buoyed amidst it all.

It was going to take time for this all to sink in but all I’ve ever had was time, and questions. I think I was finally getting time and answers.

Age 39:

Harry’s pov: Having our daughter in our lives is simple and complicated at the same time. At first there were a lot of things to untangle but as time went on, the knots loosened until our lives became their own knots, tangled into each other.

Meeting her parents, the people I met once many years ago, was likely the strangest part. They already felt so familiar as soon as they greeted us in a warm embrace, as if we were there own children. I guess the last time they saw us we were.

“Oh look at you,” Bridget’s mum had squeezed us tight. Her dad had pat us three times and we took it to mean as much as a hug.

In my mind they were always the age they had been then. They were probably around the age we are now. Seeing them sport greys and fine lines, it was like stepping into a time portal.

Lou, Bridget’s sister, eyes us for the first little while before warming up and sharing all kinds of stories—especially the embarrassing kind with us.

When Bridget meets Y/n’s family, I can tell they’re loud and overwhelming at first but we’re all surprised when Taylor embraces Bridget and takes to her immediately.

She brings out old pictures they had of Y/N and I, but every time she says, “your mum and dad…” when she talks about us through the pictures, I notice y/n protesting less and less.

It makes me feel funny, I keep thinking I was going to wake up and find out it had all been a dream.

“This feels very full circle to me,” y/n’s mum says. She’s watching Taylor talk about her baby bump—she was 3 months along. “I saw Bridget as a wee baby when they handed her over to her parents. I remember running late to hospital and making it to the room just in time to see it. I blinked and now she’s in my living room!”

“Sometimes I feel the same way,” I confess.

My family is slightly quietier but they all fuss over our daughter. They ask a million questions and when it’s all over we take Bridget for ice cream. It’s a pseudo-recreation of a life we never had.

Bridget eases into it too. At first she had bouts of disappearing on us. No more than a couple days. But we give her space, understanding it was overwhelming.

Every time I see her, I see her mum—y/n. I was never there when y/n gave birth. We had to drive up from London when we got the news and by the time I got there the dust had settled.

I never even had the potential of seeing her. I’d always been more sympathetic of y/n; her loss had been physical, mine was slightly more abstract.

Even though I’d spent every year since regretting that I wasn’t there to at least glimpse her, I’m glad now I hadn’t been there to see her. If I had to live the last 18 years with this feeling in my chest I don’t think I could have lasted that long. I don’t know how y/n did it. It’s a concoction of deep unconditional love, and tenderness, and recognition, wrapped in a shell of protectiveness. It took me a while to sort through it all but I had a conversation with my parents one night at dinner Y/n and I had visited. And they’d laughed because they had told me that was simply what being a parent was.

“Maybe she regrets it,” I had said the second time she ghosted us. Really it had just been over a day where she hadn’t gotten back to us. But I couldn’t help the overthinking, being tuned into any potential of loss with our daughter.

Somehow, y/n was the cool headed between us two in these moments. Maybe it was being a mum, maybe it was knowing Bridget beforehand, but she was very in sync with her.

“She needs space. The last thing we want her to be is overwhelmed too. Now don’t overwhelm yourself love, at least she’s in our lives.” She’d say.

It takes us the start of the summer and all those meets later for Bridget to finally feel at ease.

We invite her on a road trip, we were renting a place in the Cotswold for a few days and told her to bring Philippe. When she doesn’t even hesitate to say yes Y/n tells me we’d done it: she was finally more comfortable than overwhelmed.

“Y/N made me a better man,” I say after a couple drinks. We’re all sat around a fire outside the house. Despite it being a warm day of hiking the night had cooled significantly and we’d decided that boozy hot cocoas was the way to go. “I’ve lost my ways a lot of times as an adult. But she’s always been my north star. Even when we got back together she led me to being sober and getting my shite together.”

“Oh…” Philippe looks down at his drink. “Are you…”

“No,” I laugh, Philippe was the most-conscientious teen I’d ever met. “I got sober to get my life in order. But…it’s in order now. I haven’t done anything crazy for over a year now.”

A little before our wedding I decided I wanted to end my sobriety. It had been a thought for months, and I had waited before giving in. But I really felt more in control of my life. I faced my life decisions head on, I confronted my past with y/n’s help, and I didn’t think I’d lose control again. It had been a shaky first week but I was right. It was a proud moment for me.

“You two really have something special,” Bridget comments.

“They do,” Philippe adds. “I can’t believe you got your happy ending after so many years!”

“Yeah,” y/n says as I lay my hand on her thigh, palm up. “Y’know what they say about loving someone and letting them go.”

“I guess you did that with me,” Bridget says so quietly we almost don’t hear her. But out here in the countryside we do.

“We didn’t want to,” I remind her.

“No I know.” She smiles, it’s a bit sad. Philippe tugs her closer. I could see how much he cared for her in that small gesture. “I’m not saying it like that. I hear your story and I just imagine how different my life would have been if I was raised by my, by you two. I wouldn’t have this life. And I really like this life.”

She looks at Philippe and I feel y/n squeeze my hand. She often said they reminded her of us when we were younger; the kind of love you’d do anything for.

“But you two loved me enough to let me go. To let each other go. It’s fucking sad but it’s beautiful. Life’s weird.”

“Here here,” Y/N raises her nearly empty cup of hot cocoa. “Life’s weird, sad, beautiful, but lately my life’s been full of so much love. I wish I could sell all the excess, I think I could solve a lot of world problems with it.”

“Wow,” I lean over and kiss the top of her head. “That’s one hell of a speech.”

“I have a speech,” Philippe stands, a little tipsy, and clears his throat. Bridget rolls her eyes but they shine for him. “Bridget you’re the love of my life. Since we were 13. But Harry and Y/N, I think I love you too. Ever since we were 15, I’ve watched Bridge struggle for answers about her past. And you two have given her all the answers, welcomed her—and me actually, into your lovely life. I’ve watched her become old Bridge but even more confident. I’m falling harder for her these days. And I can’t thank you guys enough.”

“Aw Philippe come here,” y/n lets of my hand to walk around and give him a hug. How quickly strangers became family.

Bridget grumbles about being left out and joins the hug. Soon I join in too. I want to create a mold of this moment, I think as I squeeze them against me, I’d make it out of plaster and let it dry. Any time we wanted, we could always find our way back to this moment here.

Age 40:

Y/N and I watch our daughter cross the stage. Beside us are our parents and in front of us sits Bridget’s parents and her sister. She has a whole army cheering for her. This was the first milestone event we could all really show up for, and show up we did.

“I can’t believe this,” I was so proud of her. I know the kudos went to her parents, and herself, but I beam with pride. Honestly Bridget could spin in a circle in front of me and I would be a proud dad.

“We need to get photos,” mum leans over and says so seriously, as if we hadn’t planned on getting a million already.

We have a framed picture in our hall, Y/N and I on our wedding day, our daughter in between us. Her graduation photo is definitely making it. She makes fun of this wall, calls it the Styles hall of fame, and I never mention it but she always lingers a few second longer in front of the photo of the three of us.

I do too.

“It makes me so sad you won’t be so close to me anymore,” my mum tells Bridget later. We’re all piled in our flat, drinks and celebratory cake in everyone’s hands.

It reminds me of mine and y/n’s 40th birthday, we had gathered our family and friends here and it was some of their first times meeting our daughter. Today is more intimate, and focused on Bridget.

“I know it makes me sad too, but I’ll be here often, visiting Philippe.”

“Only visiting Philippe?” I raise a brow.

“Is there someone else I’m supposed to be visiting?” She mirrors my raised brow.

As Bridget’s gotten more comfortable, me and her could banter for hours if you let us, it’s one of those things that brought us closer together—having the same sense of humour. It’s allowed us to have just as deep heart-to-hearts, a handy joke always close to the surface.

Y/N always says seeing me like that, thoughtful and silly, reminds her of the boy she fell for. I can’t deny that I’ve been feeling closer to my 20 year old self than my 40 year old self lately.

“She’s too cheeky,” Bridget’s mum says. “But I have to say I’ll be glad to have her back.”

Lou, Bridget’s sister, was moving to Wales. Apparently she wanted to know more about her background, and take a trip with her bio mum to visit her bio dad.

I think Bridget was moving back to Coventry to keep her parents’ loneliness away; she said she would commute to Birmingham for school. Even though she got accepted into law schools in London, going to a uni close to her parents just showed me how close she was to her parents. It was a bittersweet feeling.

“I’ll have somebody to watch cricket with again,” her dad says.

“Ohh,” Bridget throws her sister a side-eye. “I love cricket…”

We all laugh at her complete lack of concealing her true feelings.

Later that night, it’s just Bridget’s parents and us. The kids are on the balcony talking.

“I know we’ve said it before,” I say after a long silence. We’d just been watching the kids talk and laugh outside. “But I want to say thank you again.”

Bridget’s dad shakes his head. “It was the greatest pleasure of our lives getting to raise those two girls.”

He looks over at his wife and they smile at one another. Seeing them interact, I’m grateful that somehow fate had led us to them. While Y/N and I were figuring life out, while I fucked up a lot of things, she was raised on a steady and stable foundation.

“She’s incredible,” I murmur. “She’s gonna be a lawyer. She’s going to change the world.”

“She sure will,” her mum says. “We should be thanking you two. For giving us Bridget. I know it wasn’t easy, you told me you thought about her nearly every day. But we can’t imagine our lives without her.”

We sit in a comfortable silence, looking out at the kids until they notice and start to ask questions through the glass.

“She’s happier,” her mum says smiling at Bridget and Lou exaggerating their words through the glass. “She stopped being like this before she left for uni. We thought we lost her but…I think everything worked out for the best.”

Y/N glances at me. Her eyes crinkle when she finds me looking at her first, her eyes steady me as she says what I was thinking, “I think so too.”

Age 45

Your pov: “When did she say she would be here?”

“6?” Harry says for the tenth time.

“It’s 6:20 do you think something happened? She hasn’t texted has she?”

“My love,” Harry puts down the cutlery he was arranging on the table and holds my face in his hands. “They’re driving from Coventry, they probably hit some traffic.”

“Maybe I should call her?”

Harry sighs and squishes my face.

“Don’t! You’ll make more wrinkles.” I warn.

“I love your wrinkles,” Harry kisses my forehead right where the pesky wrinkles had been growing deeper over the last few years despite the additions to my night routine.

Harry always said our wrinkles were just the stories of our lives showing through. I told him to get himself undereye cream.

“You don’t think I’m aging handsomely?” He strokes the moustache he started growing last year. At this age, even I couldn’t deny it made him even more attractive.

“Well it’s no good if you’re ageing handsomely and I age like a troll.”

“I will love you if you age into a troll.”

“But will you love me if I turn into a worm?”

“Do you even have to ask? I’d buy you the best soil and keep you in a beautiful pot.”

“You wouldn’t take me fishing?” I ask. He sighs. Last year while we were taking a trip up north for Lou’s wedding, we’d gotten into a fight and when I asked him the question while he was still stewing he said he’d take me fishing. It had, ironically, broken the iciness of his anger and we’d laughed about it so hard he’d nearly had to pull over.

“I wouldn’t do that to you,” he wraps me into his chest nearly suffocating me.

I’d spent half my life with a lot of difficulties, but life now felt easy compared to it. I had the privilege of getting older with the man I adored, got to watch my daughter flourish as an adult and a lawyer, watch her get married to the love of her life, and all the while live comfortably in the heart of this city I called home.

When Bruno starts barking though, I gasp and push myself off of Harry, “that’s them!”

Bruno continues to bark as I rush to the door. We’d got him a couple years ago as a pup and I can’t believe it had taken us that long to get a dog. He filled our lives with laughter and long walks. We loved him.

“Down.” I say to him. I open the door and hold my hands out while Bruno runs in circles beside me.

“Ahhh sorry we’re late!” Bridget steps into my hug and I tug Philippe’s hood so he can join. Bruno goes for Philippe when they walk in, he’d gotten obsessed with him after Philippe took care of him while Harry and I took an anniversary trip last year.

“Where are my hellos!?” Bridget says to Bruno and he barks, standing on his back legs to paw at her leg.

I hadn’t seen the two of them since March, that was 6 months ago. It had been their wedding, and they’d gone on a month long honeymoon after that, after which Harry and I had taken time off to road trip around Europe with Bruno, and then time had just zipped by.

After a hearty dinner, Harry and I carry out the birthday cake we’d been hiding.

“You didn’t have to do this!” Bridget fans her face but we treat it like we do any special occasion, plus making up for all the ones we’d missed. We get photos and exchange presents, she cries reading the cards and the whole time she says she had a present for us.

It’s a small bag, Harry and I guess that it was something for Bruno but when we take out a box it doesn’t sound like much when we shake it.

“Is this a prank gift? There’s nothing in it?” Harry asks.

“Open it!” He was making me antsy.

“You open it,” he hands me the box. Bridget and Philippe stare intently at my hands.

I undo the bow and slowly open the box. There’s a small square of tissue paper, and then a piece of paper. I remove both but something catches my eye.

I flip the paper over and stop breathing.

“Is that-“ Harry stops talking too. We stare at the piece of paper in our hands. It looks so much like one I had held 28 years ago. But it’s not.

“Bridge,” I look up at the couple. The parents-to-be.

“We’re having a baby,” Bridget says. Philippe and her are gripping hands and I throw everything off of me to launch myself at her.

“A baby!” I hear Harry say and joining us. “You’re having a baby! Y/n!”

“I never thought we’d be grandparents,” I look up at Harry.

“Those wrinkles were coming in for a reason,” he teases.

We never did have any other kids. Quite frankly, neither of us wanted any. When we first got together we were just starting to get comfortable with the reminder that we had a daughter out there and we could talk about her freely with each other. It felt like having a third person in our little family.

After Harry proposed, while we planned our wedding, we talked about it but we never thought it felt right. We both had first marriages where a lack of conceiving had just put a strain on the relationship we didn’t think we needed. We’d also felt like it was betraying something, before we met our first child.

When Bridget did reach out, it became about catching up on lost time. And then with her in our lives we knew what we suspected all along. We had each other, and that was enough. Bridge was our bonus. And getting to be aunt and uncle to our nieces and nephews it was enough. It was a full enough life.

We never even dreamed in our 20s we’d get to be parents and now we would get to be grandparents! I never realized until this moment that I wanted this. Really wanted it.

“Do you know the gender?” Harry asks.

“No,” Philippe answers. “We were thinking of doing one of those reveal parties? But not for a couple months.”

“Wow,” my hands drift down to Bridget’s belly and I remember I had something. I leap away from the group and find the box in my closet, it’s painted pink with random collages from old magazines. It hosts old diaries, photos, a hospital bracelet, and an ultrasound.

“This was you once,” I show her the picture when I get back. “I carried you like that once upon a time.”

She takes it with teary eyes, holding it close to her face to make out the shape of her. She hands it to Philippe and grabs my hands.

“I’ve thought about it before, but when I got pregnant I couldn’t wait to tell you-“

“She kept telling me I had to make a trip out to London just so she could give you the news.” Philippe interrupts, eyes scanning the ultrasound still.

“No really,” Bridget laughs. “I did. It’s like I got this new perspective.”

She puts my hands on her belly and covers mine with hers. I feel everything at once then, all the heartbreak I ever went through to get here.

“I can’t imagine giving this baby up. And it’s barely 3 months. What you were willing to do to give me a better life-“

She breaks off and Philippe squeezes her shoulder. I watch my daughter try to gain control of her emotions. I remember when I was pregnant with her, anything would set me off.

“It must not have been easy. After carrying me like this for 9 whole months. Thank you-“ she looks up to where Harry’s standing. I barely register his hand on my shoulder. “Thank you as my mum and dad, for making the hardest decision I can imagine ever making, so I could have something you knew you couldn’t provide.”

I reel my tears in, save them for later that night in bed while Harry holds me tight against him.

Right now I kiss my daughter and tell her what a good mother she will make. I tell her and Philippe how proud I was of them, how excited, how wonderful this was.

Age 46

The day we meet our granddaughter is seared into my brain. We get the call at 8:35pm, Harry and I were staying in a B&B in Coventry despite Bridget’s mum insisting we stay with her. We’d been here all weekend, booked it all week, not wanting to miss Bridget’s delivery date.

“Y/N she’s here,” her mum whispers into the phone. Her voice is filled with joy and giddiness. “She’s here.”

“We’re coming,” I say. Harry’s already at the door and we rush out into the night to see our granddaughter.

She has the perfect little face, and when she finally wakes up I gasp when I see Harry’s eyes looking back at me. I turn to him, to see if he noticed, but he’s teary-eyed and gazing at the baby in awe. I soak it in for a second, imagining this exact look if we’d kept our baby so many years ago.

Bridget’s parents had given us the room, to give us a moment alone, and I can’t be more grateful. Bridget encourages us to hold her and as her soft body is pressed into my body I let out a sob and hand her over to Harry. I excuse myself and step outside the room.

Lou’s kids sit on the floor outside, playing with whatever toys are spilling out of a miniature backpack. I focus on the flashy colours, trying to calm down, counting the number of toys falling out.

My life was a 180 from 10 years ago. This moment would go down in our history books as one of the best days of our lives.

But I can’t deny the bittersweet. The experience threatens to push me into the bitter past of not even getting to hold Baby Bridget. But with it comes an undeniable sweetness of getting to experience this now.

I take a deep breath and walk back in. Harry and Bridget stop mid-sentence and turn to me. Bridget’s face is streaked with tears, Harry’s looks concerned but I smile. He sits with the pink bundle to his chest and I ache.

“Don’t look so obvious you were talking about me,” I try a joke.

“Are you alright?” Bridget asks.

“May I hold her?” I ask in return.

I sit on the edge of the bed and she’s placed in my arms; she’s perfect. Just as perfect as Bridget must have been.

“She’s got Philippe’s hair,” I gently stroke the wispy blonde strands.

“She’s got my eyes, her grandpa’s eyes.”

I look at Harry. And he catches the stricken look on my face when Bridget tips forward and whispers to her baby.

“Look baby, this is your mumma’s mum, and your mumma’s dad. You’ve got his beautiful eyes. Say hi to grandma!”

My throat tightens. “Bridge.”

She leans away, her eyes dart between us. “I know I call you Y/N and Harry. It made it easier at first but…you are my mum and dad. Even though I have another pair. You are my mum and dad. And I want her to know you like that.”

“Oh love,” Harry leans down and kisses the top of our daughter’s head. She keeps her green eyes trained on me, grasping my hand that’s wrapped under her baby’s.

I mouth a thank you, my voice couldn’t pass through the block in my throat. She squeezes my hand and it sets the baby off. Remembering when my nephews were this young, I just hand her back to Bridget knowing she only wanted her mum.

Harry and I stay in the waiting room. We couldn’t go home, even though we had spent our allotted time we had inside the room, we stay there.

We watch Lou’s kids as Bridget’s family gathers in her room. We stay as they fall asleep, draped over us. I remember when Taylor’s kids were this small, they would fall asleep anywhere.

We talk in whispers, I don’t remember what about exactly. Mostly how excited we were. How there was so much to look forward to. How different our lives looked a decade ago.

“One day we’ll tell our grandkids,” I remember Harry saying. “We’ll tell them all about us, how we met, how our love burned so bright it shone in the sky. We lost each other but our love was always there to guide us back home.”

“We’ll see them grow up, all the memories we missed.”

“We’ll change diapers.”

“We’ll change diapers,” I giggle, half-delirious by the lack of sleep. It was probably 2am and I was tired.

When I gaze up at Harry I remember him holding our granddaughter. I replace her with Bridget. For a minute I allow myself to imagine how that would have been.

“I think you would have made an amazing mum if we did things differently,” Harry whispers into my hair.

“You too.” I whisper back.

“An amazing mum? You think?” The edge of his lips tug upwards.

“Harry,” I warn. We had kids sleeping on us we were trying not to wake.

“I love you.” He says in response. “To the stars and back.”

On our drive home I can’t stop looking at him. I always wondered how it would be like to grow old with someone; when I was younger and watch my own parents celebrate anniversaries. And then when I was older and my first marriage was so rocky.

But thinking about it now is like a simple mathematical equation. You take two lives, two individuals, and you bracket them in love. You add an exponent—the decision to continue choosing each other. And you get a lifelong commitment. No matter the situation, no matter the challenges or the changes, you choose to choose each other.

His side profile lights up by an oncoming car. For a second he’s the same boy I feel in love with, a few more gray hairs, a few more wrinkles, and a moustache. But he’d always be the boy I followed out to the roof, who held my hand in our high school hallway, the one who turned an I into a we when I got pregnant, I see the man I had coffee with after a run-in at the Whole Foods, I see the broken heart from a harsh life sitting on the steps of a church, I see a bookworm, I see a father, a husband, and now a grandfather. I see the one person who knows me like the back of his hand. The one I am home with always.

“What is it?” Harry asks as we pull into our b&b. “Have you been asleep this whole ride or have you been staring at me?”

“Staring at you?” I ask. “You think I was staring at you the whole ride?”

“Well you were really silent. And facing me

“I was thinking.”

“About me?”

“Why are you so desparate!? Do I not show you enough love regularly?”

“I could always use more,” Harry looks half asleep as we reach our door.

“The people are right: you give someone a hand and watch as they take the whole arm,” I tease.

“When you gave me your hand, I made you a wife.” Harry retorts.

“Ooh,” I poke him. “I have to say that’s a good comeback for being half-asleep.”

Harry grins back. “You keep me sharp.”

“And you keep me happy. Now open the door so I can stop freezing out here!”

We walk into the warmth of our b&b.

For so much of our lives, our past decisions haunted us. We let so much go. Now life was repaying us, returning it all back, with interest.

***

In a small b&b in the middle of a town called Coventry, two lovers crawl into bed. They’d just become grandparents and they carry an exhausted buzz about them as they try to fall asleep. They’re both thinking of the other, of their daughter, of the tiny bundle they held in their arms today.

Some 20 minutes away their daughter lays in a hospital bed, an exhausted buzz putting her to sleep. She dreams of her mother who gave her up, how she had found her parents in the end, and dreams about the kind of mother she’ll be.

A few doors down lay her newborn daughter, she doesn’t dream of much, not yet, but she’s in for a lifetime of love.

Most of life is what we made it. Y/N and Harry loved deeply enough to make it.

———————————————

TAGLIST: @quinnwritezz @unknownnbihh @dilfhrrys @umadirectioner @hermionelove @anonymous-91 @meganxfddf

#harry styles fic #harry styles x reader #writingsfromhome #harry styles #harry styles fanfic #harry styles imagine #fic #harry styles angst #harry styles fluff #harry styles series #if you love something #dad!harry #its not my fave but I was getting tired of tweaking it #to shorten it #theres just so much to catch up on #kinda nervous #but also kinda done

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nicestgirlonline · 1 year

Text

sneaky

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Warnings: None! Just fluff!

Summary: You and Bucky decide to keep your new relationship a secret with somewhat disastrous results…

Word Count: 3.7k

A/N: Here’s my entry for @the-slumberparty week 2 challenge blast from the past! I don’t really have an old WIPs, I was trying to jumpstart my writing again with this sleepover. So here’s a little sequel to dumb dumb, since you guys really really seemed to like that one! Hope you enjoy! Feedback is always welcome! <3

part 1

That Valentine's Day was possibly the best night of Bucky’s life. He had finally gotten to express everything he had been feeling for you. Friday night bled into Saturday morning, neither of you getting much sleep. The months of yearning and pining all finally erupted into passion, lust and love.

Saturday morning quickly became Saturday afternoon, with lots of pillow talk, telling each other little secrets about yourselves, sharing childhood stories. A simple Postmates order and quick text to Steve meant no one to bother you, and no reason for you to leave his bed.

Saturday night, or what Bucky was calling round two became Sunday morning and that brought about a little thing called the Sunday Scaries.

Amidst the bliss and happiness there was a lingering thought that kept bothering you. The two of you lounged in his bed, enjoying each other's quiet company, the moonlight of the early morning making the room glow blue.

You bit your lip. Time to rip the bandaid off. Real life was going to be starting too soon again.

“Bucky I’ve been thinking…about us.”

“Really? Me too.” He started to pepper your face with kisses. “I’ve been thinking about all the ways I can have fun with my girlfriend.” You giggled as he started to tickle your sides. You wiggled your way out of his grasp. You propped yourself up on your forearms and did your best to put on your serious face. Which was very hard when Bucky was being so cute.

“I mean it! I’ve been thinking, maybe we should keep this private? For a while?” You tried your best to keep your voice soft, the face Bucky made broke your heart, which was what you were afraid of. He looked extremely scared.

“What’s wrong, what’d I do? Was girlfriend too soon? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it, ” He wrapped his arms around you and pulled you close against him.

“No, no, you’re my boyfriend now.” You assured him. You took his face in your hands and he leaned into your palm in relief. “I am really excited to be with you but we do work together. And there’s HR and office gossip and I don’t want that to affect us when we are still figuring out us. I guess I’ve never really thought about the power imbalance between us.”

Bucky nodded albeit a bit reluctantly. He untangled his arms around you so you were both lying on your side looking at each other.

“I mean…I understand. You know I don’t really think of myself as a big superhero or something, but it is a ‘power imbalance’. Does it…bother you?” He asked scratching his face to avoid eye contact. You sat up, suddenly very confused.

“What are you talking about, I’m the scientist who’s studying you? I’m the one abusing my authority here. It's all very unethical!” You exclaimed.

“I don’t feel taken advantage of here, Doll. If anything, people are going to think I’m taking advantage of you.” Bucky chuckled.

“Why?”

“I’m a bit older than you. I’m sort of famous for not so great reasons. I’m also literally more powerful than you?” He held up his left arm as if to show you proof. You dismissed it with a hand wave.

“You don’t know that you’re more famous than me. I’ve been published in many academic journals.” You pointed out. Bucky shook his head. Gosh he liked you so much. He couldn’t even believe this was really happening to him half the time.

“There were weeks of press coverage for my trial.” You just rolled your eyes at that. Bucky was always so afraid that everyone saw him as a villain, but you’d never once felt any sort of danger from this sweet man.

“Well, agree to disagree. But I still think maybe for the first two months we should just keep it quiet. So we don’t have to worry about anyone but each other. Just lowkey.” He pressed a kiss on the top of your head.

“Yeah. You’re right, you’re totally right. We will keep things low key.”

“Hey Steve, uhhh we’ve got a problem.” Bucky rushed into the breakfast room, thankful that Steve was the only one there. Steve queried his eyebrow at his panic stricken best friend.

“What’s up Buck?” He asked. Bucky, seemingly slightly out of breath grabbed the side of the cabinets, he closed his eyes to try and get his

“So you know how I told you about…on Valentines Day…and then we…so the weekend was…” He waved his hand to emphasis his pauses and Steve nodded along.

“Of course, I’m happy for you two, Bucky!” He said brightly, of course this must be some sort of post confession bliss the two of them were in making his friend act so strange.

“Well that's just the thing. Did you…tell anybody else about it?” He asked, his voice a bit strangled and his tone grim.

“Uhhh was I not supposed to?” Steve asked, his face falling immediately.

“Can you answer my question?”

“I told Sam about it. The two of you have been dancing around it for so long that we’re all just a little excited for you.” Steve started to explain but he could practically see the fury radiating off of Bucky in waves. His signature death stare was fixed on him.

“Look, I really appreciate the um, support for my relationship. But here’s the thing, she doesn’t want anyone to know we’re dating.” He ground out, his teeth still clenched. “So we are going to be low. key.”

“Look who it is. We were about to put out a missing person alert .” Natasha had slunk her way into the breakfast room, her voice dripping with self satisfied condescension. “Getting provisions for the love nest?”

“God damn it, you told her too?” He cried out. She shrugged, innocently looking away. Bucky grabbed his head, he was going to throttle Steve.

“Oh come on, Y/N loves Nat. I figured she already knew.” Steve held his hands up in surrender, the captain certainly hadn't thought this was how his morning was going to go. Bucky turned his attention back to the super spy who was a bit too pleased with the unfolding drama.

“Nat, did you tell anyone about this?”

“Please, I’m a spy. I don’t just go around giving out important gossip with nothing to gain.”

“That doesn’t really answer my question, Romanoff!” He snapped back.

“I’m still a bit confused why she doesn’t want anybody to know? Is that a modern dating thing, not telling people you’re dating?” Steve asked. It didn’t make much sense to him, what exactly did she think was going to happen if people found out?

“She just doesn’t want the gossip and the pressure of everyone knowing about us to color the beginning of our relationship.” Bucky explained but his tone belated his true feelings. He absolutely did not want to keep this a secret. “So I told her I wasn’t going to tell anybody but I forgot I already told the biggest blabbermouth on the team.” He quickly turned back to anger at his teammates.

“I’m not the biggest blabbermouth…hm crap wait I forgot, Clint knows too.” Steve closed his eyes, wincing, ready for the smack upside the head he sorely deserved.

“Loose lips sink ships asshole! ” Bucky was exasperated.

“I didn’t know this was top secret information!” Steve countered.

Nat stayed at the breakfast bar watching the two super soldiers argue, it was amusing but she had her limits. She had to intervene before Bucky had an aneurysm.

“It's not so bad, we can do damage control. Tell Sam and Clint to keep quiet about it.” Nat said before taking a sip of her coffee. “And Wanda.”

“AND WANDA--” Steve looped an arm around Bucky’s waist before he could lunge at Natasha.

Bucky Barnes: Hello Sam, I am texting to inform you that Y/N and I are NOT DATING and please disbelieve the rumors to the contrary. Yours, Bucky Barnes

Sam Wilson: please learn to text like a normal person

Sam Wilson: You know I saw you making out with her in the elevator on Friday right?

Bucky Barnes is typing…

Bucky Barnes: Sam, please disregard my previous message and meet me in the training gym on level 5 ASAP. Yours, Bucky Barnes

Sam Wilson: You don't have to sign your name I know it's you

Sam Wilson: forget it

Sam Wilson: yeah I’ll be there

X Something wasn’t quite right. Your love life had never been better, Bucky was an amazing boyfriend, it was all you could do to not spend all of your time with him. The two of you would meet up after work hours and spend blissful hours back in Bucky’s apartment. But the rest of your work life, well it was starting to feel like people were avoiding you.

Like the other day at lunch, you were sitting across from Bucky which wasn’t too unusual, you had been friends before you were seeing each other. The very tips of your shoes were touching, a special little secret way of holding hands. The two of you were discussing movies that were coming out, a totally neutral non flirty conversation. But then Steve walked in, looked at you then immediately spun on his heel and walked away. You furrowed your brow. That was a bit weird.

Or when you had bumped into Bucky at the gym on level 5. It had actually been a happy coincidence, you decided to do some yoga as you sorely needed to stretch your body out after being hunched over a microscope all day. Bucky had been working out with Sam, Bucky lifting weights with Sam on the treadmill. You waved to the two of them and made your way over to say hi and Sam without saying a word jumped off the treadmill and started to jog out of the gym.

Even Nat, which hurt the most, flaked on the movie night you’d wanted to have in the TV room. Then it was the domino effect, Steve dropped out then Wanda and Vis dropped out too and soon it was just You and Bucky.

“Oh nooo. What are we gonna do, watch the movie by ourselves? Just the two of us?” Bucky whispered in your ear as you were pouring popcorn into a large bowl. He grabbed you by the hips and waggled his eyebrows at you. You let out a little sigh and snatched the bowl before heading to the TV room. You weren’t in the mood to flirt with him. The tv room was ready for what you had thought would be a big group. The lights were already dimmed and there were plenty of blankets and pillows around.

You and Bucky settled next to each other on the couch. He grabbed a big fuzzy blue blanket and draped it over the two of your legs. He gave your leg a little squeeze beneath the blanket and winked. You just let out a sigh and grabbed the remote to fire up the Roku. Bucky frowned, this was certainly not what he thought their movie night would be like!

“What’s wrong Bambi? You seem down.” He asked, concerned. He wrapped his arm around your shoulder and pulled you into his body. You let him cuddle you, resting your head on his chest

“It just feels like all of our friends are avoiding me. I mean I thought we were friends. Co-workers I guess, you know I’m not great at reading people.” You sighed and buried your face in his chest. Had you grown more annoying these past few weeks ? He grabbed your chin and tilted your head up so you were looking up at him.

“Honey, you’re great at reading people, don’t let your insecurity tell you otherwise. I’m not really a people person anyway so I was excited that it was going to be just us. Nobody’s avoiding you I promise. Want to just reschedule this night?” He offered.

You shook your head. Rescheduling wouldn’t make you feel any better. Besides it was nice to be able to spend time with Bucky out in the open like this. You still felt like your friends were all acting weird, but you trusted Bucky enough that you decided to let it go.

“Well since it’s just you and me, we still have to watch The Princess Bride.” You relaxed into the couch, already pulling it up on the screen.

“Sounds perfect.”

You were working away in the lab, it was a little past lunch time but you simply couldn’t stop in the middle of your project. You could push yourself just a little bit and finish this in time to actually leave at a normal time tonight. You had a date tonight. You smiled to yourself. A secret date.

You were deep in the process, so much so that you didn’t even notice the secret date, arriving hours early in the lab. He gave your sides a squeeze making you yelp. You spun around to see your smirking boyfriend.

“Bucky! Um, what are you doing here!” you asked, trying not to sound too excited.

“I'm here to help you out with those samples you had requested from me.” He projected his voice around the lab. But it was for the benefit of no one, you were the only two there. You smiled, happily playing along.

“Oh right! Those samples I requested.”

“Those spit samples.” He grabbed the back of your head and crushed his lips to yours in a sloppy wet kiss. You slapped his chest as you pulled away from him giggling.

“Ew! Bucky, that's so gross, why would you say it like that!” But you couldn’t stop giggling. He smiled, clearly feeding off the laughter.

“You’re the one who wants us to have this clandestine affair, I’m just trying to keep up appearances.”

“"Why are you even here? You’re a little early.”

“It's my lunch break and I wanted to say hi and give you a kiss.” He took one of your hands in his. You reached out and grabbed his vibranium hand as well so you were holding both. It made his heart flutter, how unperturbed by his arm you were. When he was with you it was like he was just a normal guy.

“Hi.” He murmured, rubbing his nose against yours.

“Hi.” you breathed back. This time when your lips met it was sweet and soft. He slowly moved his lips against yours, you opened your mouth just slightly enough that his tongue could slip inside and ---

“So I’m pretty sure the Erskine notes were in here.” It was Bruce! Bucky felt a sudden rush of fear. Bruce wasn’t one of the inner circle who would just pretend not to notice their closeness. They could actually get caught!

You quickly as hard as you could pushed Bucky away and he clamored backwards. You wiped your mouth, hoping somehow that would disguise yourself. Bruce poked his head in.

“Just looking for the Erskine notes. Uh, everything ok in here?” He took stock of each of you, freshly shoved apart.

“Yeah, just leaving!” Bucky cried as he raced out of the lab.

“I’m indifferent to him leaving! I’ll go grab the notes for you Dr. Banner!” You raced to the file cabinet not looking at anything but the ground.

Bruce cocked his head at the strange interaction he just encountered.

“Good morning Bucky!” You greeted cheerfully as he entered the breakfast room in the morning, Steve and Sam in tow. “Morning Steve! Morning Sam!” You quickly added as they filed in. As not to raise suspicion.

“I get a good morning? Wow. Don’t I feel special.” Sam said with a smirk.

“I say good morning to everyone. I’m just a morning person like that. How are you doing Sam? I feel like you’ve been so busy, I barely even see you these days.” You asked, trying to sound casual. You still felt like everyone was acting so weird around you.

“Oh you know, mission after mission. None of them were in Hawaii either, it's all been Nepal, Siberia, whatever frozen wasteland they can dump me in.” He sat down next to you. You nodded along as he continued talking about his missions, eager to connect with your friend again.

“Good morning troops. Ah and good morning Beaker. Didn’t think I’d see you this early on a Monday.” Tony Stark, sunglasses still on, his closes wrinkled like he’d just come in off a jet. It had been awhile since he was on at the Compound.

You hoped you weren’t blushing at the comment. Bucky had talked you into another Sunday night sleepover, you were trying to be subtle about it but you were a morning person, it didn't make sense to pretend to show up later.

‘I didn’t think I’d see you at all Mr. Stark. It's been awhile, since you’ve hunkered down with us mole people in the lab.” You always had a professional but good natured relationship with Tony. He was your boss after all, which is why you found it a little weird to call him Tony.

Tony let out a chuckle and started to make science small talk, about the lab and the projects you’d been working on.

Bucky and Tony were not great friends. They had buried the hatchet, sure, but it wasn’t like the two drank beer and watched the game together. Cordial coworkers are best.

Except Bucky didn't feel very cordial with Tony right now. Considering he had taken the only open seat next to you. He gruffly sat down at the table next to them with his coffee.

You wanted to invite Bucky to come sit with you, or go over to his table, but that would probably be a bit too much for just friends. You peered over Tony’s shoulder to your grumpy boyfriend darkly having breakfast. You tried not to make it too obvious and still listen to his anecdote about building a mini laser.

The two of your eyes would catch more often than not. Quickly turning back to whatever they were doing. Tony picked up on this immediately, he looked over his shoulder

“What do you keep looking at?” He spun around to look directly at Bucky who was frozen in place. “What’s going on here? Are you two fucking or something?”

It was like everything happened all at once.

“Tony -- out of line.” “Uh HR?” “No no no you misunderstand.” “Which one of you told Tony?”

Everyone burst into action, all speaking over each other. Wait what? You swung your head from pleading with Tony to your secret boyfriend. The three soldiers froze. Sam took a deep breath.

“I’ve had enough of this! Nobody told Tony. You two idiots are just so obvious that anyone could see it.” Sam said. As soon as he did Steve let out a huge sigh of relief, his shoulders rolling forward like a burden had been lifted from his shoulders.

“I won’t have this, no way, not on my watch. Y/N. My beloved employee. With Mancurian Candidate? Under my nose, in my own lab?” Tony said indignantly, putting his hand over his heart as if he was scandalized.

“Tony! That’s really not very funny. You shouldn’t call him that.” You said your face a hard frown. and Bucky felt his heart burst with happiness. But then your gaze turned to him and he felt your icy stare.

“I--I can explain. You see I had actually texted Steve before we decided to be lowkey. It was before so really if you think about it. I didn’t do anything wrong. And Steve and his big mouth told a few people. But it’s just the people in this room. And Nat. And Clint. And Wanda. But that’s all.” Bucky tried to explain to you as best he could. His eyes were pleading, he felt weak in the knees. You remained silent, your arms crossed.

“Yikes, you’re in troooouble.” Tony taunted.

“So basically everyone! Everyone I see on a daily basis. I can’t believe this. So they’ve all known the whole time?” You looked at Sam and Steve who both sheepishly nodded. You turned back to Bucky, you let out a shaky breath. People knew, and nothing bad had happened. Your friends had actually gone out of their way so you two could have some privacy. “Well I guess there's no point in keeping this up then.”

“Hm?”

“I'm having breakfast with my boyfriend now, so if you don’t mind gentlemen.” You grabbed your breakfast bowl and moved your chair so you were sitting next to Bucky. You grabbed his hand and placed it on your lap.

“Ugh, I'm nauseous you two are so fucking cute. Guess that’s my cue. Come on, Commandos, take a hint.” Tony got up signaling to the other two who also rushed out of the room, more than happy to get out of the tense atmosphere. Once you were completely alone, you finally spoke.

“I can’t believe everyone knows. Why didn’t you just tell me?”

Bucky let out a deep sigh.

“I mean I kept it a secret from some people. Tony being one of them. I just…I wanted to give you what you wanted. But I mean to be completely honest I did want to tell everyone. I’m all in.”

“I’m all in too!” You cried clutching his hand and kissing his knuckles. “That's why I wanted to try and slow things down so I couldn’t mess anything up. Now it just all seems so silly. I tried so hard to be sneaky too!”

He took his hand off yours and gave your thigh a squeeze.

“I mean…we can still sneak around sometimes. If you want. ” He had a playful glint in his eyes. “I mean, I had plans, Doll, a lot of plans. I was fully prepared to take you on every inch of that lab table.”

“Sergeant Barnes! ” You gasped. “I think we may be a bit too loud for that level of sneakiness.” He took your chin in his hand and rubbed his thumb down your lip.

“I’m sure we can find a way to keep you quiet.”

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barns x you #bucky fanfic #navy and roo's sleepover #bucky barnes #idiots to lovers #fluff #bucky x female reader #bucky fluff #winter solider #friday night posting baby #fanfiction

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princesachicana · 2 years

Text

𝐛𝐚𝐛𝐲 𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐞 𝐩𝐭.𝟐 (conrad fisher x reader)

𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝟏 part 3

description: your emotions run high due to your pregnancy.

a/n: you are adopted in this fic! anyone could read!

Pregnant. Pregnant. Pregnant.

The word was on loop in Conrad’s mind. He needed to tell someone. He promised you he wouldn’t tell anyone else, but he needed advice. He was one hundred percent in on being there for you, but he was scared. He wasn’t stupid he knew the consequences of having sex, but you both used protection that night. What the fuck happened?

No way in hell was he planning on telling his mom just yet, and he didn’t want to tell his brother afraid jere would yell out his reaction. His only other options were your mom, sister or brother. He wouldn’t of course say that you were pregnant, he was planning on saying something like “I might have gotten a girl pregnant.”

After much thought he decided it was best if he talked to the only other dude. “Can we talk?” Conrad’s voice was stern letting Steven know that whatever he had to say was serious. Throwing his phone to the side Steven nodded his head motioning for Conrad to talk. “What I’m about to say is gonna throw you through a fucking loop hole okay?” Steven shook his head laughing lightly. “What did you get someone pregnant?” Conrad visibly winced, face falling into his hands.

“Woah, I was joking dude really? what did I say about wrapping before tapping?” Steven pushed Conrad’s shoulder. “Lower your voice, and i did wear a condom alright?” Conrad whisper yelled looking around for any one snooping in on the conversation. “Who, When, Where?” Steven asked the obvious questions itching to know more.

Your sister. About a month ago.Some dingy hotel.

“Just some girl” as soon as the words left Conrad’s mouth it felt wrong. You were so much more to him, but admitting it to your brother now would have him put into the emergency room. “So what are you going to do? is this girl even telling the truth?” Steven asked voice now full of concern for his friend. “She wouldn’t lie about this” Conrad confidently stated, shaking his head. “I told her I’d be here for her, but if we’re both freaking the fuck out it’s gonna be hard.” Conrad continued speaking his voice rising a little.

“Has this girl told anyone else?” Steven asked, no you haven’t, not that Conrad knew of. He was expecting for you to tell belly since she’s your sister but when he asked the other day you nearly bursted out into another fit of tears. He knew asking would be a sensitive topic but he still needed to know. You’ve confided in him many times about how you never wanted to disappoint the Conklins, they took you in when you had nothing. He was sure whatever happened they would never hate or resent you, they loved you no matter what.

After the talk he had with Steven, Conrad was feeling much better, not fully but a lot better than before. This morning he would talk to you about things more throughly. As he was walking past the bathroom is when he heard it. You were vomiting, without a second thought he knocked on the door lightly. “Just a sec” He noticed how your voice tried to sound cheery in case it was anyone else but him knocking.

“It’s me, baby open the door.” It kind of just slipped out, he wish he was able to see your reaction to the pet name. After about a second of silence the door opened slowly, Your eyes were bloodshot and you looked about ready to puke again. “Conrad, I think I’m-“ You ran back to the toilet kneeling down, spilling everything into the toilet. Conrad was down with you in no time, holding your hair back with one hand as the other rubbed on your lower back.

“Just let it all out.” His voice was sweet, you would’ve smiled if you weren’t currently throwing up all the food you ate yesterday. You reached up flushing the toilet when you were done. “Gross right?” you asked as Conrad passed you a piece of toilet paper so you could wipe your mouth. “I’ve dealt with this more than once.” He muttered. “Oh so I’m not the first girl you’ve gotten pregnant?” You were annoyed in a matter of seconds, damn these hormones. You’d have to get control of them soon before someone noticed.

“What? no i meant I’ve dealt with people puking their guts out, you know hangovers?” Conrad laughed at how you were still annoyed, he thought you were cute when you were mad. “Yeah, yeah” You got up off the floor, getting ready to brush your teeth. Conrad stared at you from behind through the mirror. “I think we should talk about it more today, we have lots to figure out.” Conrad was nervous to approach the topic. You shook your head as you continued to brush your teeth. “What do you mean no?” Conrad questioned.

As you finished up, you turned around to face him “I mean I’m not ready, and I don’t feel good at all.” You were whispering, “please just a little more time.” Conrad nodded pulling you into his arms, “I meant it when I said I’d be here, when you’re ready talk to me.” You relaxed as you sunk into his arms, you wish he could wrap you in forever.

As you walked out the bathroom another wave of nausea attempted to hit you. “Oh god, Oh god I hate this.” Your cried, stopping dead in your tracks. “Need to go back in there?” Conrad asked searching your face for the answer. You shook your head no, “it went away” you took three deep breaths as Conrad guided you to the kitchen one hand own your lower back. “This is all your fault!” You sneered, of course it wasn’t true this was on both of you, but you were hormonal and the fact that he wasn’t the one nauseous made you angry.

Conrad shook his head, attempting to hide his laughter. “Are you laughing at me this isn’t funny!” You rolled your eyes.

What you both didn’t notice, was that Steven was at the end of the hallway listening in on your conversation. Something was definitely going on between his sister and friend. And it made his blood boil.

You were so hungry.

Pizza night was everyone’s favorite. The pizza joint that you went to accommodated to everyone, no matter if you liked meaty, cheesy, or pineapples they had something on the menu for you. Today it was your turn to order in and you went all out. You excitedly spread the food out on the dinner table. God how your mouth was watering just at the smell of it. This has been your craving for the past week!

Honey BBQ wings, Garlic Parmesan wings, Tuscani Meaty Marinara pasta, Breadsticks, Cheese sticks, Fried mozzarella sticks, two pepperoni pizzas, two Cheese pizzas, and one Pineapple pizza. You might have spent lots of money on everything but that didn’t matter at the moment.

Usually you would wait until everyone was seated at the table to serve yourselves, but everyone was taking their sweet time so you just dug in. You were currently on your 4th piece of cheese sticks, you turned towards the archway when you felt eyes staring at you. “What?” you questioned mouth full. “Gonna save any for us sis?” Steven joked, walking towards the table grabbing a paper plate from the stack ready to serve himself. Belly was next to walk in waving at you with a small smile.

“There’s lots of food Steven!” You stared at him as he reached for the pizza box that was in front of you. “I know y/n/n it was a joke!” he eyed you curiously, noticing that you were getting upset. “Gonna save some for us sis?!” You mocked his earlier words. He reached for the pizza box again but you pulled it towards you quickly. “Just go! you can’t have any it’s mine” You didn’t know where any of this was coming from, first he annoyed you with his comment. Now he was reaching for the pizza you ordered for yourself.

“Give me some!” Steven pulled the pizza box towards himself, yanking it from your hands. “It’s mine! There’s more!” You pointed at the other ones that laid untouched on the table. Belly nervously laughed “Steven this one taste just as good!” You evilly smiled, your sister was on your side. “Give it back now!” You yelled, standing up from the table. “What’s going on in here?” The fisher brothers walked in side to side. “He’s not listening to me!” You were now walking towards Steven, determined on getting your pizza box back.

“She doesn��t want to share!” Steven shrugged, opening up the pizza box grabbing one. “Because it’s mine! I got that one for me!” You were on the verge of tears and Conrad immediately joined you at your side. “Just give it back to her man!” Conrad’s voice was calm. “No way, no I’m hungry.” Steven protested as he took a bite out of the pizza slice. You immediately burst out into tears, you faced your brother muttering an “I hate you!” you stormed back towards your bedroom. The four people left standing in the dining room winched as you slammed the door.

“What just happened?” Jeremiah laughed now seeing that it was his chance to steal a pizza from you. As he reached for the box Conrad yanked it away, “Leave it” Conrad was angry, angry that he let your brother make you cry, angry that he couldn’t explain the reason you had an outburst. “Why’d you have to make her upset?” Conrad asked your brother. Steven shrugged nonchalantly “don’t worry she’s my sister I know her, she’ll be over it by tomorrow.”

Conrad sighed, he served himself a plate of the two untouched pizza boxes and walked back towards your room with yours. He knocked once, he wasn’t expecting you to pull him in, you immediately wrapped your arms around him and cried into his neck. “Why is he so mean?” Conrad kissed the side of your head, he whispered sweet nothings to you as you let it all out. “That was my pizza!” If you were aware of how ridiculous you looked, you would be embarrassed but the hormones were just allowing you to think about how you were going to murder Steven.

“Look, I took it back.” He pulled away showing you the pizza box. You sighed in complete happiness. “Thank you, Thank you” You kissed both Conrad’s cheeks. “Was my girl hangry?” Conrad asked smiling at your happiness.

My girl. My girl. My girl

That did something to you, Being called his girl was something you could get used to.

“I can’t help it, I feel like I got upset for nothing.” You frowned starting to feel bad about how you yelled at your brother. “Don’t he deserved it, who steals someone’s pizza?” Conrad smiled sheepishly, you laughed not feeling at all embarrassed anymore.

You and Conrad finished eating in your room, feeling as if nothing had happened prior.

After a long day of shopping with everyone, you were ready to pass out on your bed. Hands full of shopping bags you walked into the beach house determined on falling asleep immediately. “I really wanted that dress!” Belly pouted about a dress she wanted that was sadly out of her budget. The boys walked in after you both, hauling the bags you were unable to carry on your own. The sound of someone clearing their voice stopped all of you. “Why don’t you precious ones join us in the kitchen?!” Your mom spoke. Susannah and Laurel both looked upset.

“What’s going on?” Jeremiah questioned, his eyebrows raised. “You wanna tell them?” Susannah shook her head. Your mom started immediately. “I was cleaning the bathroom today when I found this!” She slammed it onto the counter.

Your pregnancy test. You thought you threw it out. Nausea hit you almost immediately, this wasn’t happening, you were supposed to tell them. You could feel Conrad’s eyes on you out of your peripheral vision. “Who’s is it?” Laurel asked voice raising a little. It was now or never.

Conrad opened his mouth to speak but you beat him to it. “it’s mine” your whispered confession had everyone staring at you. “I’m sorry.” You wrapped your hands around yourself, hoping that would help with the chills you got. “You got my sister pregnant?” Steven yelled, his eyes went from you to Conrad immediately putting all the pieces together. “What the fuck did I say about any of you touching my sisters?” Steven pointed from Jeremiah to Conrad.

“When did you fuck her?” The words were harsh, and it made you feel mortified. “Stop please!” You begged looking at your brother eyes filling with tears. “No I’m not going to stop!” He yelled at you, turning back towards Conrad. Steven immediately brought his hand up swinging, hitting Conrad across the face. Jeremiah immediately stepped in for his brother, holding back a very angry Steven. Laurel immediately scolded her son “calm down right now!” She pointed a finger in his direction.

Jeremiah and belly both forced Steven outside to hopefully calm him down, Both mothers stared at their children in disbelief. “I’m not gonna make you talk now, because of what just happened, but I’m very disappointed in both of you.” Susannah spoke softly walking away followed by Laurel who quickly handed Conrad and ice pack for his face.

“It wasn’t supposed to be like this!” You whispered needing to be in Conrad’s arms. He immediately pulled you into him. “It’s going to be okay baby.”

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6ix9inewiturmom · 14 days

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Parents Basement - Chris Sturniolo

Summary: chris came to meet your parents but he got turned on in the middle of our pool match in your parents basement

Warnings: Smut, p in v, unprotected sex (don’t try at home!!) degradation, mouth covering (?), dom!chris, Sub!fem!reader, use of Y/N, slight choking (lemme know if i missed anything!

A/N: I HOPE U GUYS ENJOY THIS AND HAVE A BEAUTIFUL DAY/NIGHT/EVENING!! ILY ALL!!

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Chris and I have been dating for about 6 months now, i recently just told my mom and dad about him and she INSISTED on having him over to meet them, I was nervous as HELL, i’ve brought over one of my past boyfriends home ONCE, my dad hated him, absolutely DESPISED him, i mean he did cheat on me in the end but im just scared my parents won’t like chris, i mean he’s sweet, he’s kind, he actually cares for me, and he’s incredibly sexy.

“ma” chris softly rubs my shoulder as im sitting in the couch thinking of every way things can go wrong. “you ready?” he kisses my cheek softly handing me my keys since i can drive and he refuses to get his license at 20 years old.

“mhm” i hummed trying to put on a ‘convincing chris im okay but in reality im shitting myself because i’m so scared’ smile hoping he won’t catch on.

“nu uh Y/N stop right there i know that smile, what’s wrong love” his gaze softens as he holds my shoulders trying to get me to open up.

i sigh before answering chris “you’re the second boy i’ve ever brought home and im scared they won’t like you, i mean i don’t care if they don’t it’s just i want them to like you so they can see what i see in you, and why i want to get married to you someday and have little mini chris’ running around and i jus-“ he cuts me off.

“woah woah hang on, i know we’ve only been together 6 months and we’ve never actually had the ‘where do we see each other in the future’ talk but i didn’t know you felt that way?” he pulls me into a tight embrace “well i can only hope they love me” he kisses the top of my head “i love you Y/N, but i hope you know you’re kinda stuck with me now” he smiles down at me

“you’ve been stuck with me since the day u took me on that date with ur brothers cause you insisted on picking me up” i smiled back at him getting on my tip toes to give him a peck on the lips “now let’s go we’re gonna be late” i sat dragging his hand out the door and getting in the car.

the entire car ride wasn’t silent, Chris and i were talking about OUR future together and what we wanted for us, how many kids we wanted, if i would be okay with twins or triplets, you know the little stuff. what felt like forever we finally arrived at my parents home. i get out of the car waiting for chris as he steps out of the car and grabs my hand we began walking to the front door.

as we got to the front door, i knocked and my mom immediately answered the door with the biggest smile on her face “OH Y/N MY LOVE YOUVE GOTTEN SO MUCH MORE BEAUTIFUL THEN THE LAST TIME I SAW YOU” she hugs me quickly before pulling away smiling

“mom, this is chris, my boyfriend” i say looking at chris smiling at him

“so you’re the handsome boy my daughter tells me so much about hm?” my mom says smirking at me.

chris’ smile brightens and holds his hand out for her “yes ma’am, you can call me christopher if you would like too mrs.Y/L/N”

“oh chris is fine by me, and it’s just Nora please, the mrs makes me feel far too old” she smiles shaking his hand “come on in you guys, your father is far too excited to meet him”

we both walk in holding hands again. “RICHARD, YOUR DAUGHTER AND FUTURE SON IN LAW ARE HERE TURN YOURE HOCKY OFF AND COME JOIN US” my mother yells from the bottom of the staircase.

chris pulls me to the side to whisper in my ear “you didn’t tell me your dad likes hockey??” he smiles at me with an amused expression on his face

“how do you think i got a love for hockey chris?” i laugh slightly at his comment.

“oh i’ve got this in the bag ma” he shoots me his signature smirk before looking back up at my mom.

“come in the dining room, i’ve got you’re favorite casserole waiting on you love” my mom leads chris and i into the dining room sitting us down at the table across from where my mom and dad normally sit.

my dad comes downstairs and sits next to my mom and chris automatically stands up and puts his hand out “im christopher Mr.Y/L/N, thank you for allowing me into your home” he smiles as my dad shakes his hand and shoots me a proud smile. “call me Richard please” he smiles softly at chris before sitting down.

“so chris did you play any sports in high school?” my mother questions as she serves chris and i’s plate

“um yes ma’am i did, i played hockey and lacrosse with my brothers throughout high school” he says softly.

“oh Y/N, i love him already, please keep this one around dear” my dad smiling at me “what position did you play in hockey?” my dad looks at chris

“oh me and my brother were left and right defensemen” he smiles at my dad

“so you were the people beating people up hm?” he jokes

“yes sir i was” chris chuckles and looks over at me who’s too worried and just stuffing food in my face the whole conversation

“well before richard talks your ears off about hockey, how did you meet Y/N? she never told me the entire story about it” my mother smiles at chris.

i have my reason for not telling her, chris and i met at Tara’s party a little over a year ago, i got too drunk, chris was half hammered and we hooked up in a public bathroom nearby, so chris and i discussed that we wouldn’t tell his or my family that story just because well for obvious reasons we were underage drinking, and we hooked up, so we decided we’d them a different PG-13 version of the story.

“we had a mutual friend who was having a friends birthday, you know nothing too big, and i thought she was pretty and i asked for her number and we became friends and now here we are” he smiled at me before looking back up at me who had already nervously finished my food.

“oh Chris that’s so sweet” my mother says with a smile at both of us.

the rest of dinner went great, no problems, my dad and chris bonded over their love for hockey, my mom and i were talking about how well my dad loves chris and other little stuff catching up with each other.

“Y/N your father just put in a pool table in the basement if you and chris wanted to try it out, him and i have been working a lot and haven’t gotten the chance to so if you two would like go right ahead baby” my mom smiles at me.

i look over at chris “you want to see my amazing pools skills?” i smirk

“oh you’re on Y/N” chris says as i stand up leading him and i to the basement.

walking down to the basement which had been completely remodeled since i had moved out of the house chris had this glare in his eyes, he had something planned i just couldn’t put my finger on it.

chris and i grabbed a pool stick and we started to play a round of pool. halfway through me whooping his ass in pool he came up behind me and placed his hands over mine trying to “fix my stance”

“remember to keep you’re hands here ma” he says at a low tone in my ear causing shivers to go down my spine and his body getting closer to mine pressing his hard-on against my ass.

“chris” i whisper “we can’t do this here” i roll my eyes and turn around to look at him and his eyes were now filled with lust as he bites his lower lip.

“yeah? why not? you can be a good girl and be quiet for me yeah?” he places his hand on my cheek rubbing my cheek up and down caressing it.

i groan softly “fuck it, but if you get us caught-“ he cuts me off by kissing my lips softly “then i guess you’re gonna have to hush that filthy mouth of yours” he says smirking.

he presses his lips into mine once again this time with more force and hunger than last time using his tongue and fighting for dominance playing with the top of my jeans.

he picked me up and turns me around so i’m bent over the pool table ripping my jeans down to my ankles tapping my legs giving me the hint to step out of them and bending down so he’s at eye level with my soaping wet pussy.

using his finger to spread his juices around on my pussy causing a groan to escape his lips and a soft moan out of mine. “you’re so fucking wet” he stands up pulling his pants down stepping out of them and reaching his hand to my mouth “spit” i obeyed “good fucking girl” he uses his spit to spread on his cock.

he took his cock in his hand and lines himself up with my entrance and pushing just the tip in in letting a whimper out of my lips. he takes his hand to cover my mouth. “as much as i love the nasty shit you say with my cock buried in your pussy you gotta be quiet baby” he groans in my ear before bottoming out biting his lower lip stopping his groan from escaping from his lips throwing his head back and starts slowly thrusting in me.

“fuck ma, you’re so fucking tight” he whispers picking up his pace with a small whimper leaving my lips and my eyes rolling back to my head trying to use his arm that’s now around my throat to hold on to in order to keep my balance.

“chris” i whimper in almost a cry

“am i making you feel good baby? you like this?” he growls in my ear

“y-yes” i softly cry out trying not to moan so loudly as he is repeatedly kissing my cervix with his tip at almost an ungodly speed.

my walls tighten around him signaling i was getting closer “someone’s close hm? you gonna cum all over my cock yeah?” he grunts holding his arm around my neck for his balance still trusting behind me.

“mh-mhm yes” i nod vigorously biting my lip canceling out my moans.

“do it, cum all over my cock baby” he growls in my ear kissing my neck sending me over the edge as my legs began to shake and i release all over his cock.

his thrust get sloppy as he buried his head in my neck biting my shoulder as he releases in me softly pulling out kissing my cheek.

“you did so good baby” he says softly helping me get my pants back on “we can shower when we get back to my house” he smiles at me.

“then let’s go say our goodbyes because i have to drive, and my legs hurt baby” i say smiling back at him placing a kiss on his lips heading back upstairs to my parents which is just my mom considering my dads back upstairs watching hockey probably asleep.

“i’m sorry guys but we gotta get going, thank you for inviting us over” i say kissing my moms cheek pulling her into a hug.

“thank you for inviting me over Nora” he smiled over at my mom holding his hand out.

“no no i give hugs chris” my mother says pulling chris into a hug “i expect to see you around more” she smiles pulling away “and ill make sure to tell richard you guys left, he really likes him Y/N” she smiles at me.

“i’m glad, bye mom!” i say exiting my parents house and stepping into my car with chris in the passenger seat.

“well that went better then i expected” i say starting the car and pulling out of the driveway.

“you had nothing to be worried about ma, i have a way with parents” he winks at me smiling at me causing me to giggle.

“thank you chris” i say smiling at him before turning my focus back on the road

“anytime princess, thank you for letting me meet your parents, now you gotta meet mine, cause my mom already loves you and she’s never even met you” he chuckles.

“how much do you talk about me to your mom chris” i laugh back at him.

“focus on the road Y/N” chris says in his attempt to change the subject.

“i’d love to meet your mom chris” i say looking softly at chris as we make our way back to his shared home with his brothers.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

A/N pt 2 IDK HOW TO FEEL AB THIS I HOPE YOU GUYS ENJOY THIS!! 🩷

XOXO

gabs 💋

#chris sturniolo #christopher sturniolo #matt sturniolo #nick sturniolo #nicolas sturniolo #sturniolo fanfic #sturniolo triplets #the sturniolo triplets #sturniolo smut #sturniolo x reader #matt sturniolo smut #matthew sturniolo #chris sturniolo x you #chris sturniolo x reader #sturniolo #spotify

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tryingtofindava · 6 months

Note

pls im begging for dating ticci toby headcanons 🙏🙏

𝐃𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 ‘𝐓𝐢𝐜𝐜𝐢’ 𝐓𝐨𝐛𝐲 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬*ೃ༄

tw: mention of manic episode.

: ̗̀➛ Back to source

My god.

This boy is full of so much love.

Y’all take FOREVER to actually get together.

It got to the point where Toby got frustrated and was all like “should I just kill them?” (Assuming you ain’t a proxy)

What I’m tryna say is he’s sorta oblivious to his feelings towards you.

But he’s so scared to get attached to you, cuz every time he’s ever gotten close to someone they die.

But when y’all (finally) get together after a long ahh slow burn.

YOU TWO ARE LITERALLY THE CUTEST OMD.

He was so surprised that you said yes when he asked you out. Like- you? The pretty girl who he had the the pleasure of becoming friends with???? Says yes to him????

He’s so happy

Buttttttttttttttt.

So awkward it’s almost painful.

Onetime you kissed him on his cheek, bro was all like ‘🧍’

But when you guys get past that awkward stage? You guys are practically attached to the hip.

And I know most of the fandom hates the ‘soft Toby’ stereotype, but I feel like that’s just how he is w you (though he does have his moments…)

Lots of reassurance. It’s needed if y’all wanna last.

He isn’t used to have someone be so affectionate towards him. Since deadass the only person who’s showed him genuine love was Lyra.

When y’all first met, he’d always wear a massive ass bandage over the gash on his cheek.

Every time you saw it you gave him the ‘🤨’ look, which he’s just shrug it off. And when you’d ask him about it, he’d say something like:

“It’s ruh-rude to ask t-that.”

He’d even continue wearing it INTO your dating life, he’ll eventually cave in since it’s been around 8 months of him wearing it around you. And a wound would normally be healed by now.

He wasn’t at all surprised by your reaction of shock.

He’ll always have it on out of the apartment though. No exceptions.

He calls you ‘pretty thing’ sm it becomes a tic.

Eskimo kisses? Eskimo kisses.

He try’s his best to keep the whole murder part of his life away from you. But it’s obvious so… that was one long night of going over things.

Anywaysssss.

AQUARIUM DATES! Y’all get in your grandpa jumpers and walk around the aquarium holding hands and looking at all the cool fish n’ shit.

HE LOVES LOVES LOVES NECK KISSES.

He’s a slut for knowing he’s yours.

He loves teasing the shit outta you for being short. Even though he’s like 3 inches taller

“I’ve been b-breaking my bug-back k-k-kissing you, babe.”

“Piss off.”

He loves laying between your legs with his face flushed against your chest while you run your fingers through his hair and itch his scalp.

When you guys are sleeping, you’ll constantly have to make sure he doesn’t get too over headed or cold due to his CIPA.

Speaking of sleeping, he grinds his teeth while he’s dreaming. So just gently grab his chin to stop him. And he’s a deep ass sleeper so he won’t feel it lol.

He isn’t a big fan of PDA when you guys aren’t behind closed doors, but he’ll ALWAYS hold your hand.

On the less sappy note, when he’s having a tic attack he will not allow you to come near him. He’s so scared of hurting you.

And when he’s having an episode?

Make sure you stay calm. And maybe get to him before he gets to you. He’ll be so upset if he did hurt you while going through one of his schizophrenic like states.

To help him through his manic episode, stay as calm as you can, let him know that, although you don’t share the belief that it’s real, you understand that it is real to him. Try and keep focused on supporting him with how he’s feeling in that moment, rather than confirming or challenging his reality.

If he does snap at you, he’ll feel so guilty. He will think that he’s just like his dad.

He’ll probably disappear for a few days, but when he comes back he’s begging for you to not leave him. Like he’s full on sobbing.

Hold him.

He’s clingy. Like super clingy. Clingy to the point where it just becomes obnoxious. And gets a bit irritating but he means well :(

He loves you like a dog, and he’ll do anything for you. He trusts you with his whole being and hopes you feel the same.

✯.★*°•.°✯•.★*°°·.•°★•✯.★*°•.°✯•.★*°°·.•°★•

#ticci toby x reader #ticci toby headcanons #ticci toby #creepy pasta #creepypasta x reader #creepypasta reader #creepypasta headcanon #fluff

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strniohoeee · 6 months

Text

Poignant Pt. 2

Pairing: Matt Sturniolo X Female Reader

Synopsis: After not seeing Matt for 4 months he finally reaches out, and wants to talk to Y/N…..he expresses certain feelings, but will Y/N feel the same?🫀

Warnings⚠️: None just cute or whatever I guess angst? This one’s short but still hope you enjoy it🫶🏽

Song for imagine: It Will Rain- Bruno Mars

Read Poignant Pt. 1 here

And pick up these broken pieces

Til I’m bleeding

If that’ll make you mine

Matt Stromboli🤭

-How about in this lifetime?🪻

I smiled down at his text, and went to answer him.

-Hey Matt

-Hey Y/N. How you been?

-I’ve been good. Just been working on myself for these past few months

-I’ve been thinking about you, do you think about me still?

-Of course I do Matt….

-We should see each other again

-I don’t know…that might open some wounds

-Wounds?

-Yeah, I’m not sure I’m ready to see you again

-Why not?

-I’m scared

-lmao scared of what??

-scared that when I see you my feelings will still be there

-that’s not a scary thing

-yeah it is….especially if the feelings aren’t mutual

-but what if they are?

-you don’t know that Matt. You might think you like me, but that’s not always the case

-Come see me please?

-where? And what time?

-tonight, the burger spot on the pier…6:30??

-yeah sure I’ll be there, see ya Matt

-see you later

Later on that day I had gotten ready to see Matt. I wasn’t sure how to feel. I felt like I still had feelings, but I also felt like I just missed him as a whole, as my friend. I wasn’t sure how seeing his face was going to affect me.

I had Ubered to the pier, and I got there at about 6:25, so I walked to the restaurant. My nerves making me nauseous and anxious.

I got to the restaurant, and told them I was meeting someone so I walked until I spotted Matt. My stomach instantly churning. I walked to the booth and sat down

“Hi” I said looking at him

“Hey Y/N” he said smiling at me, that goddamn smile

“It’s been so long,” I said looking at his face. How can someone change so much in four months

“It has. You look great” he said looking at me

“Thank you. You look great too” I said smiling at him

“Thank you..nothings change” he said laughing a little bit

“You just look so different” I said looking at him

“Could be the hair, or the tattoos” he said looking down at his hair

“Yeah it could be” I said nodding at him

We had gotten dinner and barely spoke…this weird tension always in between us….I just didn’t know how to feel at all. Did I like him or did I not?

We walked on the pier and sat down watching the sunset

“I um I’m not sure what to say” Matt said quietly

“I mean you don’t have to say anything” I told him

“No I do. I just don’t like how that day went” he said looking out to the waves

“It’s okay Matt. We’ve grown from it, and I’m okay. It was needed” I said looking over at him

“I just…man I don’t know. As soon as you left I felt this pain in my chest” he said blinking

“Well I left all you guys” I said looking at the water too

“I feel like I made the wrong decision” he said

“I don’t think you did. I think some part of you feels bad for rejecting me, and you’re making yourself like me, but I just think you miss your friend” I said to him

“Do you still like me?” He asked still not looking at me

“I’m not sure Matt. I came here wondering how I’d feel and if all those feelings would come back, but I uh I feel at peace” I said still looking at the waves

“I really like you” he blurted out

“I don’t think you do. You like the idea of me, but you don’t actually like me” I told him

“Stop hurting yourself by denying it. I fucking like you” he said shaking his head

“Matt, we haven't seen each other for four months. How can you just now say you like me” I said defeated

“Because I've always liked you, and I was so dumb to see that….it has always been you” he said

“Matt….” I said looking over at him

“It really has, and I’m such an idiot for taking so long to realize. I checked everyday if you’d be active on social media, if you’d comment on anything, my finger hovered over your contact. I so badly wanted to call you everyday, but I just couldn’t” he said shaking his head

“I’m glad you didn’t call.” I said to him

“What?” He said looking at me

“I feel like if you called me you would’ve kept me on this string of false hope. I needed to be away from you” I told him truthfully

“I was so stupid” he said

“It’s okay.” I said to him

“I want you, and only you” he said looking at me

“Don’t say things you don’t mean” I said looking at him

“I mean it okay! Stop pushing me away” he said getting a little upset

“I don’t want to get hurt again” I said looking down

“I would never do that to you….again” he said

“I don’t know” I said shaking my head

“Please Y/N” he said pleading

“Matt I don’t know that I see myself with you” I told him

“Kiss me, and tell me you don’t feel the same” he said

I looked up at him, looking into his eyes searching for an answer, but I didn’t find one.

I reluctantly leaned in and connected our lips. It was a kiss that made the whole world stop, it made all my problems float away….Its Matt it’s always been him, and I never wanted to pull away. With him I felt safe and loved

We pulled away, and looked at each other

“Tell me you don’t feel the same, and I will walk out of your life for good, and never bother you again” he said looking into my eyes

“Matt it’s you….it will always be you” I said smiling before pulling him in again, crashing our lips together

Kissing Matt felt like stepping outside into an empty field on a warm evening while watching a beautiful sunset overhead. This kid was my sunset….hes mine, he’s my safety net

“I’m never leaving you” he said rubbing my cheek

“I’d hope not” I said leaning into his touch

“Come home with me” he said

“Of course Matt” I whispered before we got up, and headed out to Matt’s car. Getting in and heading to the triplets house.

I guess Matt’s mine in this lifetime, and in another🪻

The End

I want to write another sad imagine, but nothing pertaining to death of the triplets….Im thinking like an actual….yk what let me not explain my ideas I wanna make yall cry 🤞🏽🤭 anywhooo hope you liked this one💋

-J💅🏽

#sturniolo triplets #sturniolo x reader #sturniolo #sturniolo fanfic #sturniolo triplets imagines #matt sturniolo #matt sturniolo fanfic #Spotify

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supernovafics · 8 months

Text

series masterlist | last part — final part

pairing: modern!actor!steve harrington x fem!reader

word count: 3.1k words

warnings: explicit language, angst

summary: you and steve finally have the long overdue conversation that probably should've happened days before filming ended and not at the wrap party. but better late than never, right?

CHAPTER SEVEN | ❝𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒂𝒓𝒕 𝒐𝒇 𝒂 𝒄𝒊𝒏𝒆𝒎𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒄 𝒈𝒐𝒐𝒅𝒃𝒚𝒆❞

“We’re in the home stretch. Tomorrow’s it.”

It was a bit difficult to pinpoint what exactly Jessie’s words did to you at that moment. On one hand, you were happy that filming would be done tomorrow because it was always satisfying seeing all of the hard work that had been done by the cast and crew get wrapped up in what felt like a pretty bow.

And then on the other hand, from a more personal standpoint, it was hard to feel truly happy about it all because of where things currently were with you and Steve; this weird and distant place that when you thought about it too hard only confused you. You had the strongest feeling that you wouldn’t see him again, or even simply talk to him, once filming was done, and although you liked to pretend that that didn’t matter to you, you still found it hard to make peace with that fact.

You took a long sip from your morning coffee and decided not to think about him right then.

Jessie continued on. “And depending on how today goes, we might even be able to end a bit early tomorrow.”

The two of you were currently walking to the complete other side of set because a scene was being filmed in twenty minutes and since you weren’t needed anywhere else right then, you decided to watch.

“That’s great,” You said, nodding at her words.

“Anyway, though, I feel like I’ve barely gotten to see you lately so I haven’t been able to tell you this, but you’ve been doing so fucking great these past three months,” She told you before taking a bite from the bagel she had in hand. “I have no idea what I would do if you weren’t coming to Europe next month.”

You let the happiness that Jessie’s words managed to hit you with wash over you— it was a nice contrast from the sadness you’d been feeling lately that you masked as indifference— and you fully embraced her words. As that next stage started getting closer you felt more and more excited for it. You were ready to be in a completely different place, far away from where it felt like your personal life was on somewhat of a downward spiral. Over the past few days, you’d come to the conclusion that you were better off keeping work as your sole priority.

Although it had actually been simple finding some sort of work-life balance when your and Steve’s “arrangement” started and most of your evenings and nights became filled with him— you realized that you didn’t have to fully consume yourself in your work to still be good at it, and everything Jessie had just said to you only further confirmed that— now you didn’t care about having any sort of balance. Because focusing only on your current job and also what you’d be doing next in Europe made it easier to not think about anything else. And that had especially been useful this past week because you truly didn’t want to think about anything aside from work— not about Steve and how easily everything with him went to shit, not about how it all hurt you so much more than you’d allow yourself to admit, and definitely not about the lingering regret you’d been feeling although you also believed that what you’d done was ultimately for the best.

Of course, you knew that shoving it all down and not facing it wasn’t the healthiest thing to do, and perhaps a conversation between you and Steve was sorely needed, but you were upset with him, even a little angry. And then you were also equally upset at yourself, which made you really not want to say anything to him or even think about the situation.

“Thanks, I’m a little scared but also so ready for it,” You said and then didn’t hesitate to say your next words. “I really can’t wait to get out of LA.”

“You and me both, honestly,” Jessie said with a quick nod. Before she could say anything else, she was pulled into a conversation with the Director of Photography about her thoughts on how the scene should be set up; what kind of shots she wanted, etc.

As they talked, you simply looked around and let yourself take everything in for a second; watching the various crew members move about, some putting final touches on the set and others talking to the handful of extras and prepping them. It was the fact that everyone was essentially working together to achieve the same vision that made you smile.

This was what you loved, this was what you would never get tired of. It was what made it all worth it in your eyes. To you nothing was as important as being a part of this.

Barely a second later, Steve walked onto set and your mind quickly reminded you that he was in the scene that was about to film, which immediately washed away your smile and your happiness was replaced with that familiar feeling of indifference.

You couldn’t even remember the last time you had an actual conversation with him. He would really only talk to you when he needed something, and it was in those moments that you were reminded you were still his assistant, because when you were actually friends with him it didn’t really feel that way. Until two days ago when Max, his new and more long term assistant, took over, so then actually needing things from you became a rarity.

It didn’t take long for your gazes to meet, somehow it was still startlingly easy to lock eyes with him in a crowded room, and for the briefest of moments nothing was said or done.

Until you gave him a small curt nod and a half smile, and then walked away, quickly deciding that being anywhere else was more important to you right then.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

Production wrap parties had always been your favorite. Seeing the entire cast and crew come together to celebrate the work that had been done over the past few months always warmed your heart. It almost felt as good as watching the final product of the movie.

However, this time you couldn’t find the heart to enjoy the party like you normally would, and it was fully because of Steve.

The party was happening in one of the Executive Producers' huge homes in Hollywood Hills, but apparently the house was not big enough for you and Steve to not see each other. There was some sort of dance of avoidance happening between you two in the expansive dining room area that the majority of the party was taking place in— walking around each other and pretending as if the other didn’t exist as you both got pulled into various conversations. That painfully went on for almost an entire hour until Steve apparently got tired of the dance and game of pretend and finally went up to you.

You were alone, probably for the first time since you showed up at the party, and you were standing by one of the many floor-to-ceiling windows admiring the view of the city. He lightly tapped your shoulder to grab your attention, and it felt almost insane how easily you were able to tell it was him simply by his touch.

“Hey…” He said as you turned around to face him. “Can we talk?”

There was something about that three worded question that made you confused and the tiniest bit angry.

“Now you want to talk?” You asked, keeping your voice level as you spoke because you didn’t want anyone to focus on you and him, but you still narrowed your eyes at him. “After a week of nothing but radio silence?”

“I know, and I fully deserve you being mad at me right now,” He said softly. “But, please.”

You hated that somehow the look on his face and softness in his tone managed to loosen your resolve, making you ultimately nod at him. “Okay.”

It immediately became an unspoken understanding that this long overdue conversation couldn’t happen right here in this open space where there was potential for anyone to interrupt at any moment. And luckily right then everyone else was seemingly in a world of their own so they didn’t notice you and Steve heading down a random hallway and walking into the first room you saw. It was one of the many bedrooms that you assumed was in this house and you quickly noticed the sliding door that led to the balcony attached to the room.

You walked out onto it and Steve followed you. After taking a quick breath, glad to have some fresh air filling your lungs because it somehow made things a bit more bearable, you looked at him. “So… let’s talk?”

You didn’t necessarily know what you expected him to say or how this conversation would begin, maybe with some unimportant and forced small talk that would feel weird because there was a point where the two of you were so far past that. However, you definitely didn’t expect him to immediately start with “I’m sorry.”

“I’m so fucking sorry for this past week, and avoiding you and pushing you away,” Steve said and you could only look at him, slightly stunned by his apologetic words. “I thought I was completely okay with what you said that night at your apartment, the last time we really talked, about us just being friends and nothing more, but…” He trailed off with whatever he was about to continue with, which made you both confused and curious.

“What?” You asked softly, breaking through his thoughts. You desperately wanted to hear everything that was going through his mind.

“You said that you didn’t want us to be real and that you could never see us being anything more. And I felt like such an idiot for feeling the complete opposite way,” His gaze was off of you and instead he was looking straight ahead. “And it was just too hard to see you and pretend that everything was fine.”

And there it finally was, the “why” behind him pushing you away that you had desperately wanted to know, and it was a “why” that actually made so much sense because you knew that if the roles had been reversed you would have done the same thing.

His words, especially the first part of them, also reminded you that you weren’t completely innocent in this situation. Because what you said to him that night, which became the main reason why he’d been so distant, wasn’t true.

“I’m really sorry too,” You said, which made him look at you again and you could see that he was confused why you were apologizing right then. “I lied… I honestly really do see it; us being more, being real. I could see it so goddamn easily sometimes and it made me want it even more. There were so many moments over that past month where it all felt too real and like everything we were doing meant something more than just sex or just a friendship. Especially when you surprised me for my birthday. That was the best thing that happened to me in a long time. And actually, you’re the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time.”

You didn’t give him a chance to respond before you started speaking again. “Also, it was dumb of me to think that the sex part of it ending wouldn’t really matter because we’d still have the friend part and everything would pretty much stay the same. Because nothing will ever be like these past three months, and specifically the last five weeks. We’re not gonna see each other as often anymore and it’ll be rare if we’ll even be able to talk as much. It’s all gonna be so different.”

It was as if everything that you had forced yourself not to think about this past week was coming out at full force as word vomit. You had no idea how much sense any of what you were saying made, but you hoped it all would lead to some sort of point in the end.

“Why did you lie that night?” He asked, and it was the question you should’ve been expecting to hear.

“Every time I thought about us being more I would tell myself that us being together in that way wouldn’t make sense; our lives are so different. So, I thought it would be easier to lie to you because then you couldn’t try and convince me that somehow we do make sense together,” You answered. “But, there hasn’t been a day where I haven’t regretted lying and not taking it all back. Right when you left, I wanted to run up to you and tell you the truth.”

He glanced at you for a brief moment and then just as quickly looked away. “I wish you did.”

“I do want something more with you. I fully want something real,” You told him, letting those honest words fall from your lips for the first time ever. “But, the thought of trying something and it all ending horribly scares me so fucking much and makes me not want to even take that chance… And I’m sorry.”

“Honestly, it scares me too.”

The question of “So, where do we go from here?” lingered in the cool air and neither of you had a clear answer to it. Was it possible for the two of you to actually and solely be just friends after admitting you have feelings for each other? If you were being a thousand percent honest with yourself, you weren’t entirely sure.

You leaned back against the closed sliding door and let your thoughts run. Things were quiet between you and Steve, but it wasn’t the awkward kind. Instead, it felt as if both of you were fully consumed by your own thoughts right then and neither of you really knew what to say. And then, at the same time, you two also didn’t want whatever this moment was to end just yet.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity but also the complete opposite, you spoke. “I’m kinda just realizing this now, but even though we never admitted it to each other or probably even thought about it ourselves, I think we were in some sort of a real relationship. Because honestly the only thing missing was the label; we were doing practically everything else two people in a relationship would do. And I think that’s why you avoiding me and barely talking to me felt so much more devastating than I’d like to admit. It felt like the worst break up, and I never want that to happen again.”

Steve was quiet for a few moments. It was easy to tell that he was thinking, fully letting everything you just said sit with him. You didn’t have to fully verbalize it for him to know what you wanted, and more specifically what you didn’t want.

“You’re right,” He finally said, eyes meeting yours. “This past week has been so shitty. I’ve missed you so much.”

“I’ve missed you too. I was also mad at you and confused, but I really did miss you.”

“How badly did I ruin our friendship?”

You shook your head at his question. “Not bad enough. In my eyes, you’re still my best friend.”

“You’re mine too,” He said and then after a beat of silence said his next words. “Let’s just keep it that way.”

You only looked at him for a second before asking, voice soft and quiet, “Are you sure?”

You didn’t want him agreeing to something that only you saw as right and things ending up just like they had before. You knew that you couldn’t bear the past week having any kind of a part two.

Steve nodded at you. “Yes, I think we’d be better off as friends. I want you in my life forever.”

“I hope you know what it means now that you just said that,” You told him, a small smile playing on your lips. “You’re never getting rid of me.”

He smiled at you, it was the kind of smile that you hadn’t seen in what felt like forever from him and you’d forgotten how much you missed it. You got the sudden urge to kiss him, which startled you because this, what you two just decided on, didn’t involve that, and you quickly realized that it would be hard to learn to not want that even a little bit anymore.

You pushed away everything you were feeling and then closed a bit of the space between you two and held out your pinky.

“This is super childish and cheesy but let’s promise to not let this end,” You said. You knew it was dumb, but the idea actually helped to make you feel the tiniest bit better about everything. “Y’know, promising to stay friends forever and all that stuff you say at, like, summer camp.”

“Okay, deal,” Steve nodded as he linked his pinky with yours.

You smiled at him. “I take pinky promises very seriously, by the way. So, this cannot be broken, Steven.”

He laughed a bit. “Don’t worry, I also take them seriously.”

“Good to know.”

Even though pinkies were linked and you did really believe that this was the best decision to make, deep down inside of you, you wished that the circumstances could be different. That the two of you were the same people, but in completely different situations. You wished for something cheesy and Hallmark-like, something easy, where there wasn’t distance or work that made things so much harder than how they should’ve been for you two.

And then there was even a part of you that wanted to say fuck it because why not try? Even if you and him ended up crashing and burning in the end, at least you wouldn’t have to live with the never-ending “what ifs,” no matter how short-lived the relationship was.

But, in your mind, the cons severely outweighed the pros and you knew that it wasn’t worth it and you couldn’t allow yourself to risk it; you needed to play it safe. Your friendship with him was more than enough; it was hard to even remember the last time you had a friendship that felt as important as this one.

Therefore, you instead decided to find solace in the thought that in another life, in a completely different universe, no stupid outside forces were preventing you from being together— not even your overthinking mind could stop it— and the two of you were happy.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

a/n: pls don't hate me for how this ended lmao there will be an epilogue. i repeat. there will be an epilogue! (it wasn't planned at first but i decided i didn't want to completely end it here) so i'll see yall next week for the actual final part of this series<333

final part!

#steve harrington x reader #steve harrington series #steve harrington fluff #steve harrington fic #steve harrington smut #steve harrington x you #steve harrington imagine #steve harrington x fem!reader #steve harrington x y/n #stranger things imagine #stranger things series #stranger things smut #stranger things fluff

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whumpshaped · 5 months

Note

Whumpee going into a toy shop and being turned into a doll by the sinister proprietor!

-- @oliversrarebooks

tw doll whump, magic whump, kidnapping, captivity, multiple whumpees, noncon drugging, dehumanisation, lady whump

“Your dolls are beautiful,” Whumpee said in complete awe, trying to take in the entirety of the shop at once. “They’re so… realistic. They’re gorgeous.”

The shopkeeper smiled and stood up from their chair, placing their current sewing project on the desk before circling around to stand beside Whumpee. “Thank you. I can give you a little tour, if you like. Or you can just point at any doll and ask whatever you wish to know about them.”

Whumpee’s face lit up. “Oh, I have so many questions. Are you sure it’s okay? I’m pretty sure I don’t have the funds to buy such fine art…”

“It’s a slow day,” they said pleasantly. “Every day is slow when you sell dolls, honestly. Especially ones like these. People are either scared to approach them, or don’t even want to come in if they can’t purchase anything. I rarely get to ramble.”

“It’s a crime, really. There must be so much to say about them.” Whumpee walked over to one close to their own size, staring into its brutally realistic eyes. It felt like they had life behind them. “How did you come up with the idea?”

“I’ve always liked dolls. It was only natural that eventually, I would figure out a way to make them. And here I am.”

“How long does it take to make a doll like this?”

“Oh, months, dearest.”

Whumpee nodded, not surprised in the least. The doll was a real work of art — all of them were. “And you make them all on your own?”

“For the most part, yes. But the dolls themselves do the heavy-lifting. They have so much personality… All I have to do is accentuate it.”

Whumpee looked at the tag that had been adorably tied to the doll’s hairband, reading the name and the price off of it. They could never even dream of purchasing something like this. “Belladonna…”

“I just call her Bella,” the shopkeeper said with the sort of fondness in their voice that made Whumpee feel like the doll had been created a long time ago, sitting in the store without any potential buyers for a while now. “I made her five years ago, I believe. One of my first dolls.”

“Five years… It looks– well, new. I would’ve never guessed.”

“Yes, dear Bella holds up very well under my care.” They stepped up to the doll and ran their fingers through its long, silky hair affectionately, fixing some frizz in the process. “Patiently awaiting her knight in shining armour. Isn’t that right, sweet?”

The doll was so realistic, Whumpee half-expected it to respond; it didn’t, of course. That might’ve put Whumpee off doll-shopping too. “I’m sure the knight is on their way,” they said warmly.

“Good afternoon!” Whumpee said with a wide grin as they walked into the shop, breathing in the scent of flowers and beeswax.

“Good afternoon.” Whumper had the usual serene smile on their face, and a half-finished garment in their hands.

“Has there been a purchase?” they asked, looking around. “It feels so empty for some reason. Someone’s missing.”

“Oleander, but she’s merely in the backroom.”

Over the past few weeks, Whumpee had gotten used to all the dolls being named after flowers and plants; poisonous ones at that. When asked, Whumper simply said they liked the ring of them, and well, they were their dolls, after all. They could name them whatever they wanted.

“How come?” They walked up to the desk and started poking around in the bowl of decorative candy, picking out their favourite flavour and popping it into their mouth. “Did something happen?”

“Her hair wasn’t doing very well in this humid weather. She needed a more controlled environment.”

Whumpee nodded, eyes glued to the fabric in Whumper’s lap. “That’s a very pretty purple. Very… royal, I guess. Noble.”

The shopkeeper glanced up at them, noting the candy in their mouth with a soft smile. “Yes, we could say that. It feels expensive, too.” They chuckled. “And it was. But only the best for my dolls.”

“Can I touch it?”

“Be my guest.”

Whumpee walked around the desk and gently ran the back of their hand over the fabric, humming in agreement. “It does feel very luxurious. Is it for a new doll?”

“It is, actually. I have been working on the doll themself for a few weeks now, and I think they’ll turn out to be quite spectacular. I wanted a dress to match that.”

“Do you have a name in mind, yet?”

“Lantana, I think. Tana. Or maybe Hydrangea,” they mused. “Angie.”

“Tough choice.” Whumpee wandered out into the open area again, checking on the dolls one by one. They had almost become friends in this short time. “I think I like Lantana better, personally. It sounds softer.”

“Oh, I could never,” Whumpee said quietly, voice filled with adoration and want. The dress had turned out absolutely breathtaking, and Whumper wanted them to try it on? The offer was beyond tempting, but what if they ruined it? What if they tore it by accident? It was made for a doll, there was no way they would fit into it.

Though they had become quite frail recently. They were pretty sure they’d become sick with something, but the doctors could never tell them anything. Whumper was the only person willing to take them seriously, always offering healing herbal teas and candies from their own personal stash. A kindness Whumpee didn’t feel like they deserved.

Whumper gave them a reassuring smile. “I would love to see it on you. Please.”

Whumpee had no idea why they nodded so easily. Why they just went along with whatever Whumper wanted by this point. Why their wants always seemed to align so perfectly. “O-okay.”

“It’s going to be alright.”

The dress was dazzling: hours and hours of work, all by hand, frill and lace and flowers adorning every inch of it — and they were about to try it on.

They were playing with the piece of candy in their mouth, nervously pushing it from one side to the other with their tongue. It didn’t help with the fuzzy feeling in their head, but at least it seemed to soothe their worries, just like the teas and the scented candles around the shop.

Whumper gently helped them get dressed in the backroom, and despite all of Whumpee’s worries about the size, the dress fit them perfectly. It was as if it had been made specifically for them.

“Wow,” they breathed, barely believing the mirror in front of them. “I look…”

“Beautiful,” Whumper whispered, their expression full of fondness and warmth.

“Like a doll,” Whumpee added with a small smile. The flowery scent was so strong in this room, it almost made them want to close their eyes and drift off. “Though… I think I should take it off. I feel a little dizzy. I can’t imagine what it’d do to the dress if I were to fall.”

“Of course.” Whumper carefully helped them out of it, skilled fingers quickly untying the bows that held it all in place. “You can sit down behind the desk outside.”

Whumper turned the key in the lock, opening their shop for the day. They hung their coat and turned the lights on, illuminating the faces of all their precious dolls, sitting and standing in all different positions, just as they’d left them the day before.

“Beautiful weather today,” they said casually. “People will be out walking, for sure. Hopefully, some of them decide to visit.”

They checked on the dolls one by one, gently fixing their dresses and brushing their hair. They were humming as they worked, filling the air with magic soft as silk, wrapping around their beloveds’ minds like a comforting blanket. It was impossible to escape; the sedative scent of the candles, the taste of candy infused with traces of poisonous plants, the alluring tune of their song.

All of them had been caught as soon as they entered the shop and expressed interest. It was only a matter of time before their inevitable demise.

Once the soul left their bodies, it was easy to trap the delicate thing and tuck it away into a little jar, just until Whumper was ready to put it right back in its place. Making sure the fragile human body was prepared to withstand an eternity in the condition they’d received it in was a finicky process, but one Whumper found greatly satisfying.

They walked into the backroom to check the state of their newest acquisition, noting with a pleased smile that the body was finally ready. They took the glass bottle with Whumpee’s matching soul in it, uncorking it and raising it to their doll’s lips to allow it slip back inside.

Whumpee’s glassy eyes were suddenly filled with life, confusion and fear taking the place of the blank, corpse-like stare. Only for a moment, though. Only until Whumper ran their fingers through their hair, gently shushing them.

“The dress really does look gorgeous on you,” they cooed. “I can’t wait to put you on display, so everyone else can admire you too.”

The soft chime of the bell above the door signalled the new customer’s arrival, and Whumper greeted them with a smile. They seemed entirely mesmerised by the doll collection, asking all manner of questions after Whumper assured them it was fine to do so.

The stranger spent a few moments looking at the tag that had been adorably tied to one of the dolls’ hairbands, reading the name out loud. “Lantana…”

“I just call them Tana,” they said fondly. “They’re the latest addition to the family.”

#asks #oliversrarebooks #whump #whump drabble #doll whump #magic whump #kidnapping #captivity #multiple whumpees #noncon drugging #dehumanisation #lady whump

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catboybiologist · 7 months

Text

1 month HRT update and journal thingy!

So as I said in my pinned post, I'm gonna be doing a monthly kind of progress check on HRT. Well, it's been 32 days, so here it is! Here's some measurements of interest:

But, I found that the raw measurements, and a single "other column" wasn't sufficient to really catalogue my experience. So I wrote a long, probably overly detailed account of some of the things I've experienced in the past month.

And holy shit, what a month it's been.

So first off, lets start with what’s not happening. Some good, some bad. I think I missed the skin softness gene or something. I’ve really noticed no change in skin texture, and that’s often cited as the first noticeable physical change from HRT. My skin was somewhat soft before, but nothing like the transfemmes I know irl, so this was a bit disappointing. But in all honesty, it’s not that big of a deal.

The other thing that I haven’t noticed yet is a reduced aerobic capacity or physical ability. I’m sure this will come in time, but the interesting thing here is that one of my main physical activities, freediving, is actually a far more direct measurement of aerobic capacity than most others. I can’t do this in nearly a consistent enough way to actually log it, but my casual breath hold times in the couple of times I’ve been freediving since starting HRT haven’t changed. On a fairly standard dive, I usually stay down 60-70 seconds, and that’s still true. With good prep and good air conservation on the bottom (I like to hold onto rocks and kelp, and stay motionless while looking around lol), I can get 90 seconds or beyond (I don’t like pushing it). Part of the problem is that so much of this is variable, and is highly dependent on how good my equipment prep is that day (insulation and weighting), water conditions (cold and rough=more energy=shorter dives), and my boy physiology (how much I’ve eaten, caffeine intake, etc). But in general, I haven’t noticed major physical fitness changes yet.

Weight gain has been intermittent. I’ve always been a bit swingy on my weight, and can easily go +/- 5lbs in no time at all. At one point, I was 4lbs over my pre-HRT weight (3 week interval), but now I’m down to 1 pound over. My waist is slightly thinner than it was pre-HRT, but that seems to be normal fluctuation. Where did the extra 1-3lbs go? We’ll get to that, LOL.

My waist measurement hasn’t changed, but anecdotally, I do think there’s changes going on there. The 43 inches measurement is still at my widest point, around my thighs (which have always been pretty good). Now, however, I’m noticing what seems to be some growth on areas that aren’t covered by the exact circle I’m using to measure that. My butt seems slightly bigger, although I could just be lying to myself. Time will tell.

Onto the stuff that has changed!

Mood. Oh my god mood. My resting state is no longer a crackling misery. I don’t think I was ever suicidal because of dysphoria alone, but I was certainly pushed to that point far, far easier when it was a contributing factor. I also just… didn’t enjoy anything about my body. When I was happy, it was a distraction. Now, it’s already much better. I still don’t like my body. I got a long way to go. But, I’m seeing progress, and it’s been incredible.

Emotions overall have been more intense. I’ve had a couple of downswings, and I get misty eyed easier. I haven’t had a proper cry yet, though. I get excited about things again, which was a COMPLETELY dead feeling. And I have also gotten angry at some things, which is also something I killed as a teenager because I was scared of where it took me. It hasn’t been as uncontrollable as I expected, however, and the negative emotions I’m experiencing more viscerally have been immensely cathartic.

And then, there's the big one. Hopefully that's literal. And that's breast growth. Almost immediately I noticed some kind of perking up, but no breast bud formation and no immediate growth. At about week 2, I was able to feel the distinct disks of breasts buds under my nipples, and my bust size started increasing. Now, at 4.5 weeks in, my bust size is 1.5 inches larger than it was pre-HRT.

This is ludicrously fast. As in, so fast it has me questioning if I'm actually intersex or something. I think my E levels will be enlightening.

I really, REALLY don’t want to get too hopeful. But overall, if some of these trends continue… I’m gonna get a LOT curvier. Honestly, my ideal body would be pretty tight and trim… but I’m fucking estatic anyways. I’m just really, really hoping that the breast growth trend continues, and also that the tiny observations I’ve made about a bigger butt and thinner waist are actually real. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to boymode like this LMAO.

There’s also the opposite fear: if my estrogen levels are too high, it could signal the end of “puberty” too early. It’s looking like a possibility, but I gotta wait until next week for my levels check.

There’s one final set of observations I wanna put here, but y’all gotta not be weird about it LOL. I WILL block you and erase this part if you treat this as anything more than impartial observations about myself. Got it? Good. NSFW warning for the next bit.

I want to make some remarks on libido and erogenous sensitivity in general, because that has also been one of the most notable changes.

First off, I heard so many stories about HRT killing libido. Holy fuck, this has not been true for me. I’m going crazy sometimes LOL. I absolutely have a somewhat higher libido on average, but its already changed the way its expressed itself.

First off, my entire body is more sensitive to erogenous soft touch. The right kind of touch and care on my waist will feel very similar to more traditional erogenous zones. I’ve NEVER had this before, and was completely blindsided by it. I’m absolutely fascinated by what neural change caused that, but its really cool even if I don’t know the underlying explanation.

Second off, my libido spikes and hot flashes sometimes. I think this is pretty typical of anyone going under a hormonal change, and tbh I’m not surprised.

Third off is the weirdest one, and something that I’ve asked other transfemmes about, and none have been able to answer. My chest sensitivity seems to be going through very distinct mini-cycles, on the approximate span of time being one full “cycle” per week. Essentially, when I started HRT, my chest first got very sore, itchy, and sensitive to sources of pain and itchiness. It stayed like that for a few days, and then all sensitivity to the area cut out. My nipples pre-HRT were always more sensitive than other cis men, and in this phase, they were actually less sensitive than they were pre HRT. This lasted another couple of days… and then there was a period of massively increased erogenous sensitivity. Soft touches made me wild, and I started wearing bra not for the support, but to block my shirt from rubbing against them and distracting me. Holy FUCK, this phase is insane. And then after that, they went back to sore again, and then dead again, and then erogenous again. Right now, I’m in the erogenous “phase” of what I think is the fourth cycle here since I started HRT. I have no fucking clue what’s going on. It’s not the period that some trans women report getting, its not a monthly thing. It might just be my body adjusting strangely to new hormones in general, but yeah. Its weird, bc it seems like a pretty unique thing.

So yeah. That’s a journal thing. I had a LOT more thoughts about HRT starting beyond just the initial measurements, because so much hit me way faster than I thought it would, so I wanted to write something long form. I think I’m going to write something similar each month along with my measurements update, but I expect future writing to be much, much shorter. It’s been incredible so far, but I’m guessing less will be novel- I think things will only be different when I change aspects of my HRT regimen. We’ll see.

#trans #transitioning #trans progress #trans journal #hrt #trans hrt #transfemme hrt #transfemme #trans woman #transgender #hrt progress

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