#the worst that can happen is me getting ignored and then deleting this post pretending i never posted anything to begin with | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

philsmeatylegss · 1 year

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Honestly I can’t keep quiet at this point. This generation and tiktok mostly made autism a fucking quirky trend and it makes me want to slam my head in a wall. I genuinely believe 70% of people online who claim to be autistic are not or either are confusing it with another disorder (on tiktok it’s 95% I’m not remotely exaggerating). iT’s A sPeCtRuM NO SHIT DUMBASS. I fucking grew up with an autistic sibling and I was constantly in other places with autistic kids who were higher and lower on the fucking spectrum. But none of them act remotely like the fuckers on #actuallyautistic on fucking TikTok. Controversial opinion I completely stand behind is that self diagnosis isn’t reliable expect for a few conditions. By that, I mean conditions that have clear cut symptoms. You’re always anxious about everything, you probably do have anxiety. But when it comes to Autism, that’s such a fucking complex disorder that even a lot of doctors don’t fully understand. 100% agree that many women, POC, and those who grew up poor couldn’t get a diagnosis and got it later in life. As I said, I was constantly around autistic kids and most were white men. It’s an absolute mockery and disgrace to those online and in real life who actually suffer with Autism. Including people on the high end of the spectrum! Most of these people say they’re autistic and then list the symptoms of anxiety. It’s not a fucking quirky trait or an excuse. It’s not fucking trendy.

And I can’t say anything like this on platforms like tiktok or id be ripped to shreds. People who have little to no real life experiences or knowledge about Autism attacking someone who was always so close to autism that it fucked me up (I know it’s not my sibling’s fault before you yell at me). I’m fucking tired of it. I’m so fucking tired

Very recently the term “glass child” came out which describes siblings of a child with a physical and or mental disability and or a chronic/life threatening illness. The term comes from the fact that a constant feature of being a glass child is being seen through, forgotten, our voices ignored. And when we, people who have had close years of interactions with these disorders try to explain to you why you might be wrong and you just fucking shut them down, you’re just as bad as the people who ignored me when I was growing up.

It happens on here to. Definitely not as often and definitely not as obvious. But I fucking hate that it’s become a fucking trend on here. Yes, I know it’s a way for those with autism to cope, but a lot of people reblogging it are neurotypical. I’m glad it’s a way to cope, but autism isn’t a fucking funny punchline. It is half of the reason I’m fucked up (once again, I don’t blame my sibling).

Remember in 2020 on mostly tiktok and other face showing platforms being LGBTQ+ was a trend and now people say “I’m glad I’m over that phase?” The same fucking thing is happening now with autism. And what’s worse is that it undermines the credibility of those who are actually suffering with autism. I can promise you in the next few years, there will be tons of posts like “remember when I thought I was autistic? Lol worst period of my life, so cringe.” And then it’ll fall back into obscurity once it stops being a trend and when people forget about pretending to be autistic and no one will give a fuck. It happened with fangirl culture. With being LGBTQ+. Only this is more important and not a fucking trend

Idk if I’ll get hate for this or delete it, but I can’t handle it anymore. This really mostly applies to tiktok, but this happens on every single platform. And it genuinely upsets me and I can’t even point out this problem. For fucking once in my life, LISTEN TO ME. I’ve been there. I was there the whole fucking time. I spent my entire childhood dealing with autism and severe mental illness from my parents. I went to so many doctors with him. I couldn’t chose where I wanted my birthday or celebrations about me because it wouldn’t be good for my sibling. Pictures, lines, family trip were filled with screaming. Leaving events early because my sibling couldn’t handle it. Sitting and waiting for him to stop having a tantrum in my room and having fucking no one ask if I was okay. Having none of my emotional needs met do to Autism and other present mental illnesses from my parents. I KNOW WHAT AUTISM IS LIKE. I SPENT EVERY FUCKING DAY SINCE I WAS BORN TILL I WAS 18 RIGHT NEXT TO AUTISM. I DIDN’T GET A BREAK. I WON’T BE ABLE TO LAUGH IN A FEW YEARS BECAUSE I CLAIMED TO BE AUTISTIC. I’M NOT SURE MY BROTHER WILL BE ABLE TO LIVE ON HIS OWN AND HE’L HAVE TO FUCKING LIVE WITH ME. THAT’S THE FUCKING REALITY. THAT’S WHAT AUTISM IS. IT’S NOT BEING AWKWARD AND SOMETIMES OVERWHELMED BY OBJECTS OR SOUNDS. I KNOW THIS FOR A FACT BECAUSE I WAS THERE. I HAVE 18 FUCKING YEARS OF UNDERSTANDING WHAT AUTISM IS. I’VE BEEN AROUND MANY OTHER AUTISTIC PEOPLE WHEN MY BROTHER NEEDED SERVICES FROM AUTISTIC ONLY PLACES. I COULDN’T FUCKING YAWN FOR YEARS WITHOUT BEING SCREAMED AT. FUCKING YAWNING. AND THEN I WAS ASKED TO STOP YAWNING! THAT IS AUTISM.

My mom works with teens and young adults who are close to the bottom of the spectrum. These children will never be able to have a life. A lot of them don’t talk. Or they only scream or say random words. Some do repetitive actions, often ones that cause injuries. Bigger male student have to be restrained by two or three men because they will not stop hitting themself of breaking property and are unable to stop. That’s what it’s like. At most, Walmart has a program for special needs adults to be baggers. Once they graduate, they live with their parents and then their siblings. Or they go to care home that specializes in autism. We’re fortunate that if it were to come to that case, we would be able to afford a nice one. But most parents or siblings of autistic children don’t have the money to send them to caring facilities. That’s the reality. That’s what you’re claiming to have the same diagnosis as (I KNOW ITS A SPECTRUM). I pity the real autistic people and glass children on platforms on tiktok or really any platform that are having the severity of their illness become a fucking trend.

I’ll probably delete this. But I’m just so fucking upset about it and I’m not fucking allowed to point it out. I wasn’t listened to my entire childhood because of a condition you’re claiming to have. Just for fucking once listen to me

#rae’s rambles #delete later #glass child

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1lostwolf · 2 years

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Today is Thursday June 30th, just this past Sunday on June 26th there is someone who I live with who pulled me into an argument that I should NEVER been pulled into in the first place (this was confirmed by my husband) and this pushed me over the edge of the worst panic/anxiety attack that I have ever experienced. This drove me to the point of trying to rip skin off of my arms and legs with my fingernails, the scabbed over marks of which are still very visible. It pushed me to the point that I could barely form words to speak, my brain was not able to process anything more than a maybe 3 or for words per minute. It pushed me to the point of my body shaking so violently that every muscle and joint hurt and ached for a few days after. It's still slightly there. It pushed me to the point of tanking my mental health worse than I've ever experienced in my life, my anxiety is constantly worse to a nearly unbearable level since then, my depression is severely worse, the suicidal thoughts have increased at an alarming rate and they are more difficult to dismiss. It pushed me to the point that I physically felt like I was about to die, severe and excruciating chest pains, rapid pulse that took quite a while to slow, pain that traveled up my neck and down my right arm. I thought I was having a heart attack. It took me over 30 minutes to move myself enough to be at the edge of the loft and try to ask for help. My vision kept clouding over and going dark, I kept having trouble breathing, and by that point I could not talk louder than a whisper without trying to scream which was then barely more than a whisper. I was saying final goodbyes in my head, seriously thinking I only had moments left. I have felt like crap ever since and it has taken all the energy I can manage to get myself up in the morning and endure each day since. I am physically and mentally exhausted to a level I had not yet experienced.

Do you know the reaction of the one who did this?

Nothing

I have seen nothing that seems like any sign of remorse, there has been no attempt or mention of anything resembling an apology.

It seems like he has decided to ignore it and pretend like it never happened.

I ask this, if someone did this to you and acted like that and treated it like it was nothing when it comes close to being the most traumatizing experience you've ever had (or at least easily top 3 on a long list), how could you trust or respect this person?

The trust and respect has diminished to such a miniscule amount that it would not even be a single drop in the ocean.

I still live with this person and I am trying to figure out how to change that so I can actually be comfortable at home and truly relax and let my guard down at home. I am trying to figure out how to do this without losing my husband who I love dearly and an amazing friend who I love like a sibling. There is only one person in the four person group who I don't feel I can trust anymore, who I don't feel safe around, who I can't let my guard down around.

The years of learning to deal with people I can't stand at work and faking enough that they don't see it and I can manage to exist around them while trying to keep myself protected is paying off now. I am using all of that now at home every second of every minute I'm there. I relax more at work.

This is no way to have to live, nobody should have to even try. But this is now my life. However short it may now be.

I originally made this post yesterday, made it private and was going to delete it now.

Why delete it? Why not make it public?

Because I can't figure out how to partly. But what I can do is copy and paste it in a new post.

Hello world, this is what I've been dealing with for almost a week now

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bratz-kitten · 3 years

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ASTRO OBSERVATIONS [part 5]

— people with jupiter in the 8th may experience an “abundance” of traumatic experiences throughout life, often relating to death; these are the people who truly feel like everyone they love ends up dying. at their worst, they can become desensitized to death— jupiter is ruled by sagittarius, a sign known for being in denial when in difficult situations in favor of optimism. these natives can pretend like nothing actually happened, or minimize the situation in their head so that they don’t have to face it.

— okay this might be a weird one... like, you know in asoiaf when arya was walking through the streets and was always like “i’m as quiet as a shadow”? that’s literally the energy of someone with planets in the 12th house/chart ruler in the 12th house. these people are so stealthy. they’re able to move so quietly and without anyone noticing, both literally and figuratively. on one hand, they’re very quiet about their plans and ambitions to the point where other people only find out when they’re achieving success over it; on the other hand, they just. don’t like making noise while walking idk bitch you’ll only see me coming when i’m right beside you, i even get paranoid that i’m breathing too loud and that other people will hear

— people with moon aspecting mars can be incredibly impulsive when they feel hurt or triggered. yall need to be careful with doing things in the heat of the moment that you know you’ll regret later... but in the moment, you feel so hurt that it clouds your rational side. please be more self-aware about this because you may make decisions that will directly affect you for the worse in the future

— people with leo mars ft. constantly asking you for pictures... about anything. they just wanna SEE LMFAO THEY DON’T CARE WHAT IT IS THEY’RE SEEING. you just got ready to go out? “send pics of your makeup and your full outfit”. you’re waiting in a long boring line to get the covid vaccine? “send pics of the line”. your mom baked cake? “send pics of the cake”. plus they send so many random pictures while texting, it’s their special love language

— having moon conjunct moon/venus in synastry feels insane. you tell them something you’ve been through, and they’re immediately like “that happened with me as well.” it doesn’t even have to be something grand, sometimes just very specific things you thought were particular about you. the amount of understanding that comes with this aspect in synastry can feel very new and intense especially if you’re used to seeing yourself as the “odd one out”, used to feeling isolated in your experiences

— people with pluto in the 1st house often feel the need to erase “traces” of their existence, for example deleting messages that they sent people, deleting all of their social media posts. they can feel anxious and paranoid about other people having access to their past self, even if the past self in question is from, like. a week ago

— people with chiron in the water houses (4th/8th/12th) might’ve suffered bullying to the point where they repress their memories. a lot of their memories of their school years may feel foggy if they were bullied in those years

— also. people with chiron in the 8th house may feel as though they’ve been punished for wanting to experience intimacy. it’s like, the people who were supposed to be the closest to them – for example, their sibling or something – were the ones who hurt them the most.

— people with mercury-neptune aspects and strong pisces/neptune energy in their birth chart might struggle with only remembering things when they’re right in front of them. you should keep things in your peripheral vision to remind you of reality, especially when it comes to feelings— so that you won’t start getting lost inside your own head. like... keep the letters your friends wrote you by your bedside table so you can read them every time your brain starts convincing you that you’re not loved. keep the gifts you’ve been sent on display in your bedroom wall, or sentimental material things that remind you of past happy experiences.

— earth placements and their thing for asmr... omfg. it’s like they’re always looking for things to up their sensory experience/sensitivity. like, earth signs are the ones most connected to worldly experiences so they feel so soothed with the whole asmr experience: just hearing someone gently whispering or tapping on/scratching things calms them down and helps them fall asleep. they love the tingles it’s heaven for them

— moon-saturn aspects might hold and caress themselves while they sleep because their parents never did. yes i woke up and chose violence <3 your secret is NOT safe with me 💋

— while we’re on the topic of sleeping, a majority of the pisces moons i know need to sleep while hugging something, at least a pillow. they can’t just not hug something while they sleep, it’s very instinctive for them. anyways if any pisces moon needs a pillow to hold, i volunteer as tribute 💋

— virgo placements feel sososo soothed by hearing their cats purr. thinking about how my virgo placement friends are always the ones who send me videos of them petting their cats... and then i get soothed by how soothed they feel. it’s a win win situation, if you have virgo placements it’s hereby your duty to send me a video of you petting your cat while they purr. right now. GO

— people with gemini in the 3rd house might have shaky movements of the hands when other people look at them doing things. very specific i know but the third house rules hands and gemini is a sign that has somewhat of an anxious, twitchy quality to it. on the other hand, people with capricorn in the 3rd house (scorpio risings, using whole signs) have the steadiest hands i’ve ever seen lol their movements ooze confidence, these bitches know how to make you feel as thought they know exactly what they’re doing

— people with venus in the 1st house ft. altering their pics with photoshop and hating posting selfies without filters because they never feel like their appearance is good enough. stop it. you don’t need to always look your best and especially not if your ‘best’ isn’t even what you actually look like. also... don’t even think about making self-deprecative jokes about your appearance. next time i find one of yall saying “ahaha im not bad for a 5 without talent” i’m squishing your head between 2 pieces of toast and calling you an idiot sandwich. you’re BEAUTIFUL

— having venus in the 3rd house in composite with someone? do you mean calling each other the absolute ugliest nicknames in the most endearing way?

— leo deals with themes of the ego, and it seems that leo placements often struggle with attracting narcissistic people into their life... leo suns/mercuries can be raised by loud, overbearing, narcissistic parents who see their kid as an extension of themselves and who teach the kid to always be very supportive and caring towards them or else they’ll deny them of words of affirmation-- either by insulting them to shatter their self-esteem or simply never complimenting the kid back. leo moons/mars/venus tend to attract narcissistic partners who only care about serving their own emotional needs and ignore the ones of their partner, and who feed off of their supportive and giving nature. which is why leo placements really need to watch out for being gullible, naïve and dismissing the red flags because my god, you be falling for some shady people.

— people with personal planets in the 12th house/chart ruler in the 12th house might feel like they can’t let go of their past life— they may dream of memories, people or places from another life. it’s like they can’t detach from it, and even if they can’t directly remember their past life, it’s like they feel it in their bones. also, they might’ve felt... estranged from their family ever since childhood; there may have been feelings of being unable to emotionally connect to their (often, distant) parents, and they might’ve even wondered if they were adopted because of how different they felt to the rest of the family.

— okay so, a thing that people with saturn in the 3rd house need to look out for is mentally checking out of conversations while they’re still happening. these people can detect when they’re being manipulated really fast and their way of dealing with it can be to immediately shut down, to grow cold and silent and not even bother answering when you’re expected to respond. and, like, that’s great when someone starts screaming at you or being insulting/trying to coerce you into shit, but take notice if you find yourself shutting your loved ones out as soon as they say anything that triggers you. don’t simply detach from them, communicate what’s wrong

— aries placements, ESPECIALLY aries suns and moons, value generosity so much and they get so turned off by stingy ppl who don’t share with others, especially when others need it. like.. if you’re hanging out in a group with them and someone asks for a bite of your food because they have no money and you say no... espect them to never respect you. ever.

— people with libra placements use soooo many adjectives to describe things. something can’t just be beautiful, it has to be DIVINE and CELESTIAL and INTOXICATING. they can be so expressive god it’s so fcking funny

— capricorn placements HATE asking others for advice because they think no one knows better than them (and they’re not wrong, lol). when they truly care for someone, they might ask the person for advice simply as a sign that they respect, trust and value their judgement. even if they don’t plan on taking it LMFAO

— people with mars in a water sign can have this terrible habit of expecting other people to guess what they want. and then they get passive agressive when you don’t instinctively feel what it is they want... and when you ask them “do you want this?”, they go like “FINALLY. i thought you’d never get there”. stop it. i know that you want people to understand you in a way that transcends words, but you can’t expect people to read your mind and then get disappointed when they don’t, thinking “oh if they loved me that much then they would’ve known that i really want chipotle for dinner :(” GIRL WHAT. COMMUNICATE YOUR NEEDS

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homerforsure · 3 years

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Whumptober No. 5

betrayal / misunderstanding / broken nose

(Hockey AU)

***

He’d always thought the night Jay took the picture would be the worst of it.

Buck’s hands were clutching the rails of Jay’s iron headboard, where Jay had wanted them, where Jay had placed them after stripping Buck of his clothes, saying “Don’t let go.” His slow, sexy, predatory smile was the last thing Buck saw before the silky black blindfold was tied in place. Jay was gone after that, climbing off the bed, telling Buck how good he looked and what he thought he might do and Buck had arched into the words until he was begging to be touched.

“Be patient,” Jay had purred, appeasing Buck with a single finger drawn shiveringly down his thigh. Buck could feel that he’d climbed back onto the bed, but Jay was too far away and he wasn’t teasing; he just wasn’t there. Stretching out longer on the mattress, trying to find him, he’d said, “What’s going on up there?”

Then the flash went off, the bright light cutting through the thin fabric of the blindfold. Jay swore, “Shit. Fuck,” and when Buck let go of the bed with one hand (one hand because maybe he misunderstood, maybe it was fine, maybe he’d laugh and put his hand back and they’d-)to push the tie away, he’d seen Jay, crouched above him with his phone in his hand.

If he’d asked, Buck might even have agreed. He liked posing. He liked having his body appreciated. But Jay’s expression was the alarm of being caught red-handed and Buck knew, knew with a sinking feeling of dread and betrayal, that Jay wasn’t just taking a memento to savor later. He was taking a picture of Rangers center Evan Buckley, naked, smirking, and vulnerable, to use exactly the way those kinds of pictures get used.

Buck forced Jay to delete the photo, made him prove that he’d done it, and then had somehow managed to get himself dressed and down to the street to get a ride without throwing up. His face burned the whole drive home and for half of the night.

And that was the worst of it until five years later. In a new city. When Buck was finally playing the way he’d always known he could. When he was finally earning the respect of his team and the hockey world at large. When he started thinking he might stay. That was when the anonymously authored post was retweeted and reblogged and shared and gleefully discussed on all corners of the hockey internet.

MY WILD NIGHT WITH AN NHL ALL STAR

The Good, the Bad, and the Kinky

His agent’s was the first text he saw when he got done with practice: “Do NOT respond yet. Call me first.”

It had taken another couple messages before Buck realized what he wasn’t supposed to respond to and in the meantime, the texts kept rolling in. Half of them from numbers he didn’t even have saved in his contacts.

“Dude, is that shit true?”

“Are you okay?”

“Do you know who it is?”

“You dog 😜”

“You never told me you were into that 👀”

“Ignore it, Buck.”

“We’re all with you.”

“Fuck that guy.”

“Hey if you need something to take your mind off of it💋💋💋”

“Evan, Mike from the Tribune. If you want to set the record straight, please give me a call.”

From the looks on the faces of his teammates as they tried to pretend they weren’t stealing glances at him, they were getting messages of their own. Hen was the first one to start to approach him with a look of concern, but Buck avoided her, grabbing his bag and sneaking out the door without bothering to hit the stationary bike like usual.

“What the hell did you do to piss this guy off?” Geoff said as soon as he answered Buck’s call. “More importantly, what else does he have on you?”

“Nothing!” Buck answered, nearly merging directly into another car as his hands shook on the steering wheel. “What do I do? How do I fix this?”

“I don’t know, Buckley. None of my other clients get up to shit like this. You need to get yourself a publicist. I’m going to get in touch with Grant and make sure they’re not already shopping you.”

His agent hung up and Buck’s phone continued to buzz and chime all the way back to his apartment.

There were cameras outside which there almost never were. Mostly only hockey fans cared about pictures of hockey players and the press was limited to the arena and their official events. Maybe one or two regular guys who Buck knew by name. It was just his luck that he lived in LA where there were almost more cameras than there were disasters to photograph.

“Buck! Do you know who the author is?”

“Have your teammates seen the post?”

“Are you worried about other former partners coming out with similar stories?”

Buck pushed past them, but the questions followed him inside. His phone didn’t stop. His mentions were a nightmare on every platform. He shut Twitter as soon as he opened it and saw his name in the trending topics. The statements put out by the Kings and Buck’s agent condemning the piece and the interest in it were drowned out by outlet after outlet picking up the post and sharing it out wider and wider.

Can you guess this NHL player by his sexcapades? (Hint: It’s exactly who you think)

Hockey players used to be the humble, hard working gentleman of sports. What happened?

Should the Kings trade Evan Buckley? Can they?

Nash should make Buckley sit for embarrassing the team like this.

Aw, man, don’t do that. Sitting’s a little tough for Buckley right now

🤣

And I thought it couldn’t get worse than the time he fucked that mascot in Carolina

{This post may contain explicit content}

😵‍💫

🤮

Excuse you, Gritty has standards

[98 more posts]

Whether from a latent masochistic streak or just because he didn’t want to look away and find that the story had gotten bigger while he was gone, Buck couldn’t stop refreshing the pages. He read Jay’s words over and over again as his stomach roiled. If it had all been lies, Buck wouldn’t have spent the morning pressed into the corner of his couch, hoodie pulled up over his head like armor. If it had all been lies, he could have made a fiery statement, condemning the mystery author and condemning everyone who thought they had a right to consume and critique another person’s sex life.

There were some lies, of course, but it was true enough that Buck’s heart clenched with it. True enough that he could remember how he felt when it was happening, during the three times they’d been together before the photo. Soft and desired and joyful. There was a part of him that was still exposed to Jay, that always would be, this man with the sharp wit and the sharp smile who got Buck bare, begging and biddable all to make him a joke. As he read the smug asides in the unforgiving narrative, he could hear Jay’s voice in his ear.

The sixth time he read it, there was an addition.

Edit: Ha ha wow this really blew up. Doing an AMA at 6 eastern if you’re looking for more dirty details.

And for the first time, Buck felt the burn of tears in his eyes. Furious. Powerless.

The buzz of his phone started making his skin crawl so he shoved it between the couch cushions and tried not to think about it. He sat with his knees pulled up to his chest and his arms wrapped tightly around, rocking just a little as he felt panic creeping in.

What else could Jay possibly have to say? Would he make up more and more audacious lies as long as he had an audience? Would an NHL team want to touch Buck when he was done?

Were there more pictures?

It was the fourth night, the night that Buck caught Jay. Not the first night with the blindfold. What if? Buck shuddered, sinking lower, deeper into the couch, folding himself tighter and smaller, trying to crush the mounting, hopeless fear. He was there for a long time.

When the gentle knock hit his door, Buck jumped and then crouched tighter into his ball. He didn’t answer. There was no one he could face right now.

The knock came again.

Then the door opened.

Buck was up like a shot, nearly falling over the coffee table as he whirled around toward the intruder. Eddie stood in the doorway, holding up one empty hand and pulling his key out of the door with the other.

“Just me.”

“What are you doing here?” Buck asked, shoving his hands into the pocket of his hoodie to hide the fact that he’d been digging his nails into his palms for the last hour.

“Well, you took off. And you weren’t answering your phone.”

Hot shame flushed across Buck’s skin. Eddie knew. Eddie had seen the article and the articles about the article and the tweets about the articles and been shouted at by the cameras outside and Buck wanted to sink into the floor.

“Notice you didn’t take the hint.”

The attitude in Buck’s response didn’t faze Eddie at all, “Do I ever?”

And that almost made Buck feel like smiling, because no, no he didn’t. He said, “No. But there’s always a first time.”

Eddie came a little further into the apartment and Buck felt crowded. Eddie always seemed to take up so much space around him. Maybe it was just that Buck felt his presence most strongly than anyone else’s. Especially when he was like this: arms crossed, focused, not letting Buck wiggle out of a conversation that he didn’t want to have.

This time was no exception. When Buck turned and went back to the couch, compulsively refreshing the comments on Jay’s post again as he went, Eddie followed right after him.

“I came by to make sure you were okay,” he said and Buck flinched again, hating that Eddie knew. Hating that the team knew.

“I’m fine,” he answered, keeping his eyes down and away from Eddie. “Coach is going to rip me a new one tomorrow, but my agent hasn’t called me to tell me I’m being traded so yet so I guess that’s-”

“Who the fuck said you were being traded?” His voice was loud enough that Buck looked up, surprised to see the intensity of anger in Eddie’s face.

“THN. NHL Network did a round table on it too, but they didn’t think anyone would take me. Oh, then Kirk Davis did a radio interview.”

Everyone had picked up those soundbites. Even through the heavily bleeped broadcast, the future hall-of-famer’s opinion on Buck had been crystal clear. At least that wasn’t new information for Buck. Davis had all but refused to shake Buck’s hand when he first joined the Predators and was a big part of why his tenure there had only lasted until the trade deadline.

“Kirk Davis is a fucking asshole. There’s a reason they never made him captain.”

“He’s not the only one who said it.”

“Then he’s not the only fucking asshole out there.” When he didn’t respond, Eddie came around the couch to stand face to face with him, noticing the open comments page as he did. “Christ, have you been reading that shit all day?”

Somehow it made Buck laugh. “It’s the same shit I’ve been reading for 8 years. Since I got drafted. Buckley’s a distraction to his team. Buckley’s an embarrassment to the game of hockey. Buckley cares more about getting laid and partying than he does about winning. It’s guys like Buckley that hurt the NHL.”

His voice pitched up as he recited the familiar accusations, staring somewhere over Eddie’s shoulder because Eddie already knew all this about him. Eddie was the opposite of Buck in every way. He would never make himself the center of attention. He’d never do anything to make his teammates ashamed to play with him. He’d never be so stupid as to go home with a guy like Jay.

“Buckley’s finally getting what he deserves.” Buck whispered.

“Look at me,” Eddie said. When Buck couldn’t, Eddie reached out, setting a light hand on his shoulder that got tighter when Buck tried to shrug out of the hold. “Hey. Look at me.”

He moved his head into the space where Buck was staring into the middle distance and waited. Until Buck couldn’t help but flick his gaze to meet Eddie’s. Once he did, he found a furious compassion that startled him.

“You don’t deserve this, Buck. You did nothing to deserve this. It is not your fault. Nobody in our room thinks it is. Bobby doesn’t think it is.”

Buck shuddered under the weight of the words. He wanted to pull himself free and he wanted to step in closer, “My agent told me I should own it. Post a couple thirst traps and a middle finger on instagram and just wave it off like another classic Evan Buckley weekend.”

There was a time when he would have. Times when he had. But this wasn’t a ridiculous paparazzi photo outside a bar, it was… It was private. It hurt.

As if reading his mind, Eddie said, “That’s not what this is. Fire him if he wants to make you pretend this is okay.”

“I just keep thinking if I was anyone else. If I was someone good, they’d all go after him and not me. I didn’t even do anything to him, Eddie. I didn’t-”

Before he could finish his sentence, Eddie tugged him forward and his arms were tight around his back. Buck should have tried to fight it, but he couldn’t help but fall against his chest and cling on. “You are someone good,” Eddie said, making Buck’s breath hitch. “And if you weren’t, it wouldn’t matter. It’s wrong. They’re wrong.”

“I shouldn’t have trusted him,” Buck confessed into the soft fabric of Eddie’s shirt. “I was so stupid back then. I just wanted- I wanted him to like me. And I’m still- It still hurts that he didn’t. How fucked up is that? He did this. And I still just wish he liked me.”

One of Eddie’s hands moved up to cradle the back of Buck’s head. They were swaying, just a little, Eddie rocking them gently. “I know,” he said. “I’m so sorry.”

He managed to keep from crying, but Buck couldn’t stop his breath from coming out in soft, stuttering gasps. Couldn’t keep his fingers from digging into Eddie’s back. If he thought about it, he could imagine this post too (Evan Buckley cried like a baby on my shoulder AMA), but Eddie would never do that. The warm heat of him against Buck’s chest was like a blanket hiding him from the world. It was the most vulnerable he’d been all day and the most sheltered.

Eddie didn’t let go until Buck pulled back and even then he didn’t go far, “Have you eaten since practice?”

“I didn’t think I’d be able to without throwing up,” Buck said honestly.

“Do you want to order something from-”

The timer on Buck’s laptop shrieked and they both jumped. Eddie recovered quickly, but Buck’s heart leapt into his throat. He’d almost forgotten. How could he have forgotten? Pulling away from Eddie, he turned off the timer and refreshed the post, looking for the link he knew would be there.

“Come on, Buck, really?”

Eddie reached out to slam the laptop closed, but Buck shoved his hand in the way. “I have to, Eddie. He’s doing an AMA. I have to-”

“I’m not going to let you torture yourself reading what a bunch of sick assholes have to say, Buck. No way.”

“I have to.”

“No, you-”

“Yes, I do!” He shouted it, standing up to look Eddie in the eye. “I have to read it. I have to see it now because if- if- if I wait and it gets reposted- I have to know if he has- I have to-”

“Buck,” Eddie said, putting his hands on Buck’s arms, trying to rub calmness back into him even as Buck’s heart-rate accelerated. “What does he have? What could be worse than what he already-”

“Pictures,” Buck yelled. “I have to know if he has pictures.”

A dark, dark look came over Eddie’s face and he stopped rubbing Buck’s arms to squeeze instead. “You think he has pictures?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” Buck whimpered. He saw himself as if from above, stretched out long and lewd against Jay’s sheets. He imagined ten thousand other people seeing it. “He took- I caught him taking one. Once. But I don't know if it was the only one. I don’t- I can’t let them get out. If he has them, I have to know. I have to report the post. I have to-”

“No,” Eddie said.

“Yes, Eddie. I have-”

“I hear you. Okay? I hear you, but I’m not letting you do that. I’m not letting you put any more of that garbage in your head.”

“Eddie.”

“I’ll do it. I’ll report every goddamn post.” Lifting one hand, Eddie stroked a thumb softly along Buck’s hairline. “Let me do it. Let me protect you.”

Buck swallowed hard, fear and relief and longing fighting for control of the tears that were building up again. He didn’t want Eddie to see any of that. He didn’t want Jay’s words in Eddie’s head. But Buck really really didn’t want them in his own. He wanted someone to protect him. “Thank you,” he said, falling forward again to rest his head on Eddie’s shoulder.

“I’ve got you,” Eddie replied, rubbing his hands firmly up Buck’s back.

Eddie wouldn’t let Buck sit on the couch while he monitored the thread. He fished Buck’s phone out of the couch and made him answer the important messages. From Maddie. From Bobby. From Hen and Chimney. Then he’d told him to order food from the Lebanese place they always ordered from when Eddie came over, asking for extra of the pickled turnips. All the while, Eddie’s fingers slammed onto the keyboard, that sound the only reaction he gave to any of the posts.

It should have been unbearable, letting Eddie comb through the messages. Even without seeing them, Buck knew what they were like. He blocked people every week for the same kind of thing. But Eddie had a defense against them that Buck never had: he didn’t believe they were true. Not even a little bit. He didn’t believe there was a chance that Buck was getting what he deserved for being a show off, for never being a points leader, for being open and soft hearted, for being himself. Eddie believed Buck deserved to be protected and he was ruthless about it.

“No pictures,” he said, a while later, when Jay had finally stopped replying to every comment on the page. “And the rest of it is… well. It’s nothing new.”

“Really?”

“Really. I think it’s done.”

Eddie closed the laptop as if by making that gesture of finality, he could make the words true. Buck, allowed back on his own couch, let himself believe it too. Let himself lean into the safety of Eddie’s arm over his shoulders, breathing in a deep sigh of relief as they caught the Canucks game.

The next morning, Jay’s story was hardly anywhere to be seen. It was replaced. By an essay in The Players’ Tribune. It excoriated Jay. It called out Kirk Davis by name and hundreds of online posters by their bad intentions. It praised Buck’s grace, tenacity, and backhand shot and it demanded respect and compassion and privacy from anyone who called themselves a hockey fan. And it wasn’t anonymous.

#whumptober2021 #no. 5 #betrayal #fic #911 #hanging out at the angst end of the spectrum #911fic #evan buckley #eddie diaz #hockey au #allison can’t write a short fic to save her life #minimal edits #messy ending #questionable formatting #230 am #😴

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jess-the-vampire · 3 years

Text

honestly i’m not even sure i should be talking about it, i guess i just feel better to mention it then bottle it up to people who might be wondering

personal stuff under the cut

i’ve had some people recently try to send me moringmark comics, or link me to posts that he’s made and so on and so forth and it’s cool and i appreciate it cause i love when people send me to new works and stuff.....i just wish i was able to really respond to them like i can with others.

mark blocked me guys, at least here on tumblr (Everywhere else i’m fine for some reason), i can’t view any posts of his and haven’t for awhile.

While we were friends a few years ago, but things have changed since i was helping him with his star vs comics.

back a few years ago when mark’s tumblr got randomly deleted, i was trying to contact him to make sure he was ok and nothing happened and all that and....ever since then he’s never spoken to me.

He kinda...ghosted me, and he has since then.

this was our last exchange:

I never got a reason why, one day we were talking fine and the next he was well....not speaking to me. I didn’t want to spam him so i would try again every few days, then weeks, then months....just with conversation starters....nothing accusatory, i just wanted to check up on him and everything.

I tried contacting him on other Sms and everything but i never got a response, and for awhile i thought maybe he was busy and i was kinda sorta bothering him so i gave him space and tried again months later.....and yeah, he never said anything.

i tried sending him apologies if i said something wrong, i tried asking if he wanted to talk and see what was happening, i was willing to accept if maybe i had said something hurtful and he no longer wanted to be in contact with me.

Because maybe i did at one point and if i did i wanted to own up to it to him because i liked being his friend and wanted to keep being his friend.

but as far as i can tell we had nothing but polite conversation with each other.

And after awhile it started to feel, at least to me, like he was purposefully shoving me to the side and ignoring me. First he stopped following me, then he had a whole comic about the art programs he was using which felt awkward to me because i was actually the person who introduced him to medibang

not that i needed to be credited for it, obviously, i guess it just felt weird at the time when he mentioned how much he loved it and then just never mentioned i had been the one to introduce him to it. It only came off as weird as it did because i was being ghosted, i probably wouldn't have cared at all if we had been still in contact.

it kinda makes looking at any comics i ever do get to see of his surreal, because i think to an extent “i helped make this.”

I guess it hurts more now looking back, because now i just kinda feel.....used.

Because i never was told why i was being ghosted i’ve been just kinda left to speculate what i did, and sometimes when you’re left thinking like that your mind makes you wonder if he was never my friend in the first place.

or if i felt differently about the friendship then he did.

i helped with ideas for his star vs comics for awhile, got him into a new art program, then all of a sudden he just.....pretended i didn’t exist....it’s...y’know, sad and makes you think.

And it’s upsetting too because i had a very positive experience working with mark briefly, talking about the show and ideas for projects, when this happened i was heartbroken.

Also he never really finished that specific comic so i don’t know if i should be credited for the help exactly, i don’t know if he ever got to most of my ideas.

at most i helped him find artists and their ocs for him to draw and that was the biggest contribution i had that i can at least recall.

Point being tho, it felt hurtful to me, because of course it feels hurtful to feel like you made a friend and helped them and then they pretend you never existed.

But even after this had been happening for a few years i still was giving him the benefit of the doubt because i still wanted to think i was misinterpreting the situation and maybe i still am....

but when i found out he blocked me now as well, i gotta admit, i lost faith on that.....

i only mention all of this at all, because i used to say i really respected mark like a lot, as a creator in the star vs fandom, and that’s still not entirely gone either....but i have to admit....i’ve soured on him....a lot since this happened.

i don’t want anyone going after him or anything (Though i doubt he’d listen to it anyway he’s got so much on his blog it’d drown in the notes, but still, don’t), i just wanted to address why you’ve never seen his content on my blog despite us being friends awhile ago, why i barely talk about him, why i may sometimes get uncomfortable when he’s brought up.

it’s been pretty upsetting tbh, because friends turning on me is something i’m uncomfortably used to happening and it gives me serious anxiety about me being a bad friend or hurting ppl because i’ve had so much bad experience with friendships with rather toxic ppl.

honestly if mark showed up today in my dms and said something to me and why he did all this i’d probably forgive him if he had a reason and i was just being silly or something. But because of how limited the information is for me, i’m sadly left to think of the worst and there’s not much here making it any better.

he’s a very creative guy and he does deserve his following.

but as is, i just wanted to address that our relationship as friends has changed a lot since i talked about it last and why things may seem off these days so people can get a better grasp on what happened.

i feel it’s better i address it then not address it.

the guy doesn’t owe me anything, i just felt personally betrayed as a friend that i at least wasn’t given an explanation for him cutting our relationship how he did.

it is how it is tho, he may never contact me again, especially now that i know he blocked me, and it does make me sad tbh. I did like being his friend and i wish we were still friends, but this seems to be out of my control, he pushed me away and blocked me for whatever reason and i’ve just had to deal with it.

i’ve been trying to move on from it, i have not attempted to contact him in over a year at this point, but it’s hard to avoid thinking of it when he’s as popular as he is.

but i hope this helps give you all an understanding on things and why we don’t seem to be as close as we used to.

#jess's random posts #jess rambles

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lilyrachelcassidy · 3 years

Text

Birthday Cake

A/N: Suprise folks!!! *me laughing maniacally* The whole scenery for this fic somehow appeared in my head and I just COULDN’T let it slip away, so... My biggest inspo for that was @drawlfoy!! Remember her posting the fic where Draco and Reader work at McDonald’s and are total suckers in their job (arguing with the customers; preparing wrong orders; etc.)? Dee unfortunately, deleted this precious, but it’s stuck to my head ever since (lol lol, it’s the moment where Dee wants to get rid of something, but I kindly remind everyone it existed). Therefore I present to you the next Draco x Reader fic related to our fav fast-food rest. This time, however, they’re not working at the same workplace but... I'm going to stop here cuz I don't want to spoiler :P

**The second thing that triggered me to write this fic is the YouTube video I recently saw with a lady who orders the 'specials' appearing to be out of the menu list of McDonald’s, through the Drive-Through. She asked for a birthday cake, was laughed at a few times, but eventually got what she wanted. Applause for the attitude!!

About the fic (context, my bitches): ofc it’s the modern AU, non-magical world. Draco’s the worst boyfriend ever but always manages to turn things into their righteous place.

Summary: The birthday is upcoming, and Draco is in a rush to think up an idea for a perfect gift. His ingenuity fails, however, and leaves Y/N very unsatisfied with a disaster that has been forged.

Word Count: 3.6k

Warnings: my brain playing a total psycho, language, alcohol, sexual undertones/allusions to sex, Pansy being too much of her self... deal...

Tags: @drawlfoy @eltanin-malfoy

Such an unrestrained desire to strangle somebody you hadn't felt in a long time.

Really.

Today was your birthday, which you had been widely announcing for almost a whole month to people you might have accidentally forgotten about it. Having your boyfriend, Draco, on your mind in particular.

You doubted he would have the guts to omit your big day, though as repeatedly as he had done for a few years back. But something between foresight and the second sense of prevention told you to keep reminding him every day of the upcoming event, with a heap of birthday-themed emojis and uppercases in the messages.

Everything was planned out in your head: him picking you up from your house with the sharp-red cabriolet that he used only for special occasions; him driving the two of you to the fanciest restaurant he could find in town; him bestowing you with a nice-looking, golden necklace or a different piece of jewelry you had been suggestively pointing out in the store's exhibition; him booking up a hotel room for you two to celebrate.

Either way, that was much beyond your expectations, as it turned out. And now you were sitting in the front yard of your house, waiting for him to show up.

'If he was going to at all.' This thought invaded your mind for the last hour, try as might to subdue it. An hour you had been sitting tight, hoping it was only a delay caused by a traffic jam or other irrational explanation he could come up with. But you were deceiving yourself, you eventually presumed -- you had been checking up your phone every one minute, only to see if any message notification popped up on the screen, other than birthday wishes from friends who actually cared for you.

2.02pm: Nothing.

2.03pm: Susan 'Happy birthday bitch!'

2.04pm: Instagram notif. (Someone liked your photo, which you had posted before leaving your room, posing in front of the mirror in the best cocktail dress you could find in the wardrobe.)

2.05pm: Nothing yet again.

2.06pm: Still... Peace and quiet.

"Fuck it...Enough," you muttered under your breath, an annoying disillusionment falling like a heavy mile stone on your chest. Tears suddenly started sprinkling in your eyes at the regret, and you were very reluctant to admit that your friends were right -- Draco Malfoy was an egoistic, negligent, self-absorbed pri--

"Hi." You heard the raspy, panting voice says. "Sorry for the delay."

You blinked slowly, stupidly. You raised your head to assure yourself it was him. That his expression actually corresponded to his words and showed some kind of remorse for standing you up. But no... There he was: standing in front of you, plainly confident and unashamed, with his cocky smirk provoking you to slap him.

Oh, how much you craved to slap him right now. "Where to the fuck have you been?"

"I've tried to pick this up," he explained, simultaneously lifting up the paper bag he'd been carrying in his hand. The big, exclaiming letters 'McDonald's' with the brand's logo were printed on its exterior, and it was fully stuffed with something inside.

Not quite comprehending, you furrowed. You attempted to hide the venom in your voice, but somehow it found its way to leak out. "Couldn't you do that in advance?"

"Nope..." It was his turn to furrow, looking almost shocked with the question. And thanks to all those years of your relationship, you knew it was his piss-poor estimation of time taking over. "It was a last-minute surprise."

"Sounds like it," you commented irritably. "What's that?"

"Your birthday present, sunshine," he drawled happily, ignoring your remark. He sounded positively delighted and satisfied with himself at surprising you with that because he saw a slight crease of shock painting on your forehead. "Here you go."

You took his deposit out of his grasp, still quite unsure. What if his gift would only make a situation worse? Can it get any worse with Draco's total lack of tact? Yes. But it was only one way to find out.

Without even stealing a second glance at him, you ripped off all of the packaging that had been folded around, protecting the contents. You tried to do it carefully and without any impact of emotions revealing the way you felt inside, but your hands were shaking with rage, and you couldn't quite contain yourself. You had been highly aware you shouldn't have expected much from him, but still...

You wondered if the universe was playing against you.

There was a moment of tense silence as you struggled to deal with all the wrappings. Rather unfortunately, you wished you hadn't put so much effort in opening your so-called 'gift' because as you finally did, it only angered you more, seeing as the disappointment laughs at your face. And yes, as a matter of fact, the universe was against you today...

"Are you kidding me?" you asked in disbelief, fury reappearing in your eyes. "A birthday cake?! From McDonald's?" Ugly, little cake with the creepiest smiley face of a clown. It wasn't even fresh, you realized, when you smelled it and felt a musty reek of a freezer, it probably had been kept in. A confusing sense of sadness in your chest couldn't reach any higher at this point.

"Don't you like it?" he asked, detecting the wrath in your eyes. At that, you felt the dumbest urge to laugh and never stop. "I thought it'd be something original."

"Oh, I love it," you said sarcastically, a faint voice of hope telling you it was only a very bad joke was still lingering in your head. But it wasn't a joke.

"It's not just--" He struggled to form a coherent sentence. "I've been asking Blaise and Theo about any ideas. I told them, what you had said to me -- 'you didn't want anything fancy.' So we decided it's... something."

"Of course I didn't tell you I want anything, you dolt!" Your voice raised up almost two octaves, and the pulse sped up so fast it entailed a headache along. A neighbor from the opposite garden who was watering the flowers looked at you, startled, and eyes widened your exasperated tone. You didn’t care. "It's how it works: you don't tell other people you expect them to buy something!"

"But I'm your boyfriend. You shouldn't -- er-- feel uncomfortable to tell..."

"Exactly! As my boyfriend, you should have known!"

"Well... I didn't. If that's what's bothering you, we can...we can..."

"Stop." Listening to him and his pathetic excuses was the last thing you were going to do now. "What – why would you even – " You sputtered out, unable to process or express exactly what you were feeling. There was definitely anger and indignation. Curiosity, for another, as to why Draco would even fall for such foolish and ill-considered idea, and -- to the top of it -- hope it would make a good fit. And possibly, the last and most satisfying part, was the wicked impulse to throw the cake directly into his arrogant face, letting him taste his own medicine he had been serving you for years on each failed birthday.

"You know, for once, you could pay more effort and try doing something nice for me," you told him firmly, deflating to calm down your buzzing nerves.

"I've been tr--"

"Do you realize how much it costs me to pretend to be happy when you forget about me? Last year, I organized a big-ass party for your birthday, inviting over all of your friends and buying the best booze I could find to celebrate it properly," you said harshly and pretentiously, as you intended. "The best part is, you didn't even thank me." You stared at him, wringing your hands and expecting to perceive any trope of shame in his eyes. For the first time, you actually did.

"Listen, about that--" he calmly attempted to cut off your monologue.

"No, you listen..." Did you really want what was upcoming next? Maybe it was about time. "Today, I decided I'm standing up for myself. So, for the last time, get out from my porch."

He bristled, the thunderstruck air hanging around him. "Because of the stupid cake?"

"What?! No! It's just... I feel like you don't give a damn about me anymore." Gulp formed in your throat, and the tears finally left your eyes at the consciousness of what was happening. "I think we both deserve some time."

Your eyes moved to his, and you almost wished you hadn't looked. He was watching you, with pursed lips and a pure mixture of every emotion: anger, sadness, resentment, pretension, dejection. The faintest of his flustered blushes appeared on his cheeks, and you suddenly wished you could hug him. "So you are putting us..." His finger pointed at him and you as if expecting clarification. "...on a break? Is that what it is?"

You were truly torn, to be honest. Becoming single on your birthday was the last wish you had for this day, but you felt a strong sense of adequacy and pride for building up the boundaries of tolerance. Besides, seeing as it was heading nowhere, it was only a matter of time that your relationship came to an end.

Although, it hurt. A lot. "Yes."

You darted your eyes from him, not wanting to study his reaction in case it caused you to meltdown and jump to his embrace, apologizing endlessly for your words. You loved him. But you didn't regret what you had just said.

Something like a dry chuckle of disbelief escaped out of his mouth. "Is that what you really want?"

'No,' your thoughts prompted you instantly before you could even contemplate. 'I want you to say so many things you're never willing to say. But you don't know.'

So instead, you lied: "Yes."

All expressed, you spun around without peeking back and rushed into your room, already knowing there was no more sense in strives to make this day any better; all of it would bring only bad associations. It would be depressing, even more than it already was.

God, was it how the break-up pained? Because if so, you wanted to be deceased. The world spun suddenly, and you sank to your knees, shaking madly and doing your best to find your way back to your bed, located a few mere meters from you. Part of you felt numb, but your head was wide awake and alarming you that something in terms of a disaster had just happened. Because it did. The clutching in your chest was unbearable, and tears were dashing out of your eyes like a living waterfall, which made you bury your face in your hands. Never have you ever wanted to be so drunk before.

And so many questions rung up in your head at once.

Did you make a good decision? What if you are going to miss him, yet knowing you could never call? What about college -- are things about to get awkward?

No answers.

But you knew someone who would be able to reply to them.

With the blurred by tears vision, you struggled but managed to find your phone in the purse, and then clumsily scrolled through and tapped in your list of contacts before holding the phone to your ear.

Please answer, you begged. Please, please…

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" Pansy's voice roared from the other side of a line, as always, enthusiastic.

"Pansy." You tried to sound less brokenly than you were, feeling marginally worse at the reminder of your birthday. "Is Daphne around?"

"Ouch, you're a really nasty bitch sometimes, you know. I'm not goin' to point out today, but since you didn't let me end my wishes, I'll note that for the future reference." You were sure she was grinning at the teasing, seeing as much as she liked that. Normally, you wouldn't mind, but... "How--"

"Pansy, please..." you sobbed out, almost desperate to have someone to consult and share emotions with. Daphne -- contrary to Pansy, who could be very judgy sometimes -- was someone you had especially on mind now. "I need to talk to her."

You heard her sigh; the kind of sigh she used to either prove her resignation or concern. But, as much as it surprised you, she suppressed her curiosity and, without a second word, obediently handed the phone over to Daphne. At least, that's what you assumed because you heard a pause and subdued mutters in the background.

"Y/N?" the milder tone spoke up, and you felt suddenly very strange as if submerged in water of relief; relief to hear the familiar voice. That released you from keeping a distant attitude, and yet again, a sadness washed over you, triggering a loud wail to come out of your mouth. "Y/N, is everything alright?"

"No..." you sniveled, unable to collect yourself together. "I-I... We br-brok-e up."

"You and Draco?" Daphne asked, astonishment evident.

You nodded but then remembered she couldn't see you nor read your expression. So instead, you forced your vocal cords to work again. "Mhm..."

"What happened?"

Restoring the story in your brain again, you told her everything, still tearfully but much more coherently this time. You avoided the details, briefly skipping from one utterance to another, as your conversations had gone, and you were very much thankful she didn't press for more information about the prospect of the situation. If it hadn't been her sporadic gasps or loud inhales of breath, you would have almost presumed she wasn't listening. However, she was, and as soon turned out, Pansy was as well.

"That's bananas!" Pansy shouted somewhere from the back as you had ended, and despite your gloom, you giggled quietly at her comment.

"Shush," Daphne tried to silence her, covering up the fact she had put you on the speaker. You didn't mind because you knew Pansy, who would definitely expect Daphne to cite the whole conversation if needed. But knowing Daphne as well, you could bet she flushed more than she would want to at that point. "So it all started because of the cake?"

"And the delay," you added. "But it's not just about that, obviously. It feels like... he completely stopped caring. And I don't want to be stuck in a relationship where everything is about sex and having fun only. Draco wasn't looking for a commitment, which..."

"Sucks,"ended this time Pansy unhesitatingly, who wasn't now screaming from the other part of a room but openly participating in the discussion.

"Yeah," you agreed.

"As for me, I think he might love you more than you know, Y/N." It was Daphne talking again, and she sounded positively convinced about her view as for someone who had hardly exchanged any word with Draco for the past few years. As if reading your thoughts, she continued. "I've observed you a lot. I know he might seem unemotional, but it's you who discovered him. That must require a lot of trust, you know."

You contemplated, and some of the memories and images from your first encounter run across your brain, try as might to suppress it: spotting each other at the party; binging some whisky shots together; flirty teasing; the very masculine scent of cologne; and then... more spicy recollections -- eager lips pressing against each other; against each others' necks; against other parts of the body; stripping off the clothes in the passionate haste...

Receiving a long moment of silence, Daphne took a second chance and asked. "And what's with you? Do you want to end it?"

It felt like standing before the oracle of truth. Therefore, you couldn't deny it in front of yourself. "No."

"So what're you still doing there?" commented Pansy impatiently, and you could imagine her rolling the eyes. "Get out and find him!"

She was right. You will.

XOXOXOXO

"I thought I'd find you here..."

No. Actually, you didn't.

You had tracked Draco's phone with your own one with some help of an app that, as the two of you had established still in the relationship, would be a good idea in case of an emergency. That in itself proved to be more than helpful, believing that your argument may be pinned as something in terms of an emergency, right?

So having access to his location, you had found out he was in the park where he had taken you on the first date, shortly after dinner, to watch the sunset that, as he had described, 'was a typical cliche from every romantic movie.'

But you had fallen for that. So much.

You hadn't been aware the place had actually some meaning for him until now, and that... God, that he had even remembered it. Time showed, however, that it indeed did, to which your heart reacted with a happy jolting. But also with a nasty sting of nostalgia following shortly after.

Yet, that only had encouraged you to make up your mind and go looking for him, which hadn't been such a difficult task per se. He was sitting on the bench, in the shade of a tree, and hiding his a little too delicate skin from the sun rays. As soon as he had heard your voice, his gray eyes flew up to see you standing a few meters away.

"What are you doing here?" was the immediate question that tumbled out of his mouth. He arched his eyebrow, and to your surprise, he didn't even look angry or sad with you. Nothing near the edge; actually, almost something like the amusement was painting on his face.

"Aren't you mad with me?" you asked intrigued, completely forgetting about his question.

He frowned. "Why would I be?" His tone was so mild that you weren't sure if he was referring to the double meaning; but then he smirked playfully and said, "Besides, I knew you were coming."

"Wha-- How?" you asked, eyes dilating a fraction, in shock.

He smirked, pointing at his phone in an explanatory manner. After a moment, you finally figured out what he meant: the app must have registered he had been tracked and that your phone was trying to find his. At this notice, you reacted with a wave of flush, suddenly regretting your previous lie. His smile only widened at your expression. "Wanna sit? It's plenty of room here."

"Mhm..." You nodded, pleased to accept his offer, and walked over to the bench, doing your best to hide the evident embarrassment on your face. You felt strange he had taken you with such ease, seeing as merely two or three hours ago, you had burst at him like a cram-full volcano of unspoken emotions.

Draco shifted a package from his side, making more space for you to sit, and it took you a moment to realize it was a McDonald's cake from earlier. Everything started from that -- a stupid, little piece of cake which stood up between...

You shook the thought away, taking a seat next to him, close enough to smell his sandalwood cologne. "You didn't answer my question," Draco reminded you. "What's so important to make you track my phone?"

"I'm sorry, okay?" You rounded your face to him, flustrated, leaning at the backrest of a bench. "That's why I came. I wanted to apologize."

"Oh... Couldn't you call?"

You sighed. "I figured you wouldn't want to talk to me after...you know... our quarrel," you said half-despondent, half-desperate, watching your feet as if it were the most interesting thing to peer at now. "I didn't mean what I said earlier."

"I know," he said. Out of nowhere, he was gently grasping your palms which forced you to look up directly into his intense gaze. His eyes were swirling like molten silver at you. "But I should be apologizing, love. I made a mistake, okay?" His hands traveled all across to your tense shoulders, squeezing them lightly. "I know I should be more... affectionate with you. And this was...dumb. A dumb mistake. With that cake. But I'll try to be better if you give it another shot."

He looked so serious that you instantly believed him. You wanted to actually, with all force of longing, which grew up too rapidly in you when he wasn't around. Draco was a fool, you could easily say. But he was your fool, which was a thing you couldn't be more proud of.

Peeking slowly in the other direction, you asked, out of the topic, "You remembered the place?"

"Of course," he puffed jokingly, smiling. "Our first date. Officially our place from then on."

"Right..." You smiled back.

Honestly, the mere fact that he had called this spot 'yours' warmed up your heart, and you felt yourself grinning at his never-before-discovered emotionality. To assure yourself you weren't the only one caring, it was all you needed to hear.

The whole moment was intense, and now, you realized, is when you should have hugged him. Kissed him. Said something back at his sincere endearment.

But instead, spotting plastic cutlery next to your 'gift', you asked, "So what's the taste of the birthday cake?"

And you knew he had caught the subtext of your playful inquiry. And you knew that soon you would work things out again. But, as for now...

"I thought you would never ask."

XOXOXOXO

A/N: Looooooool. Such a drama-comedy, right? And I could easily say It feels like 50% Draco-x-Reader / 50% Draco-x-BirthdayCake... But whatever (2am is working like a drunken bud, folks). Happy beginning of August :)

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gohyuck · 4 years

Note

5+9+23 ? With Jaemin.

originally requested by @heyyyun ! my tumblr kept glitching so i copy/pasted your ask into my askbox lol.

based on this post

this was a fun combo of requests lol... and the freaky friday things definitely threw me for a loop. it got lowkey nsfw really fast, too, so there’s that. outright female reader

ft. a horny jeno lmfao

5) roommates

9) freaky friday

23) i thought you hated me but i just accidentally sent you a booty text and you accepted and i am seriously considering it

you aren’t living with jaemin because you want to.

it’s something you make very clear to any and everyone you know - jaemin is your roommate out of your necessity, not out of your choice. he was the first and only person to answer the desperate ad you’d placed in the newspaper when you’d realized you wouldn’t make rent without a roommate, and, before you could find any other option, you were stuck with him.

now, you refuse to be gotten wrong: it isn’t like he’s the worst roommate ever. he can cook, and he cleans up well enough, and he’s never made a late payment. hell, he’s even courteous and about as well-mannered as any guy in his early twenties can get, so you can’t really complain on that front. he’s nice to your friends and always lets you know before having company over, and he doesn’t hesitate to ask if you need anything before he goes shopping for himself. he isn’t a bad guy, by any means.

what he is is an incorrigible and unstoppable flirt.

for his part, he isn’t too thrilled with you either - ‘my little prude’ seems to be his favorite go to nickname for you as of late, and you’d be lying if it didn’t bother you. still, you suppose, you aren’t too gentle in calling him a manwhore to his face. he only ever laughs, seemingly delighted to wear the title like a badge.

even now, you can hear the girl in your living room giggling at something your roommate has said, his own voice just a little too low for you to hear from the confines of your bedroom. he’d texted you during lunch to tell you he’d have a date over, and you’d sent him back four successive eyeroll emojis. he’d taken your annoyance as a ‘yes, please eyefuck your newest fling for two hours while sitting on the couch i paid for’ and now you’re stuck, crosslegged on your bed with your laptop at half mast and one earphone in, other ear listening to jaemin turn his charisma up to the highest it can go for what will culminate in, at most, yet another one night stand that’ll have you wishing for soundproof walls.

you sigh as she laughs again, followed by jaemin saying something along the lines of ‘let me pour you some more’. there’s a faint clink of glasses and a sudden lowering of their voices, and you decide it’s best if you put your other earphone in.

some things aren’t worth the mental scarring.

it’s almost two hours later when you finish with the essay you’re working on, pull your earphones out of your ears and place the case gingerly on your nightstand, and shut your laptop down for the night. you can’t hear anything from out in the living room, and, surprisingly, there’s no unsavory sounds coming in from jaemin’s room down the hall, either. maybe they’ve already had their fun, you ponder.

she’ll slink out of your apartment in the morning, you guess. maybe you’ll be nice and offer her pancakes on her way out.

you grab your phone from where you’d thrown it haphazardly onto your bed earlier. there’s plenty of text messages lighting up your screen, most of which you ignore. one catches your eye immediately, though.

from: jeno ;)

i’ve been thinking about you.

his text has you quirking an eyebrow, but as you scroll up to find the picture that accompanies it, you take a sharp breath, your teeth sinking into your lower lip on impulse.

you’ve been fucking jeno for weeks, but even now the sight of his prominent bulge covered only by thin gray sweatpants has your mouth watering. the two of you are good friends - surprising, considering he’s jaemin’s best friend - and you know what you have will never amount to a real relationship. it’s the healthiest you can imagine a friends-with-benefits relationship to be, and you’re grateful for it.

and for the sex. god, are you grateful for the sex.

you rush to change out of the ratty old band shirt and boy shorts you’re wearing, opting to switch them out for a lace set you’d bought recently that you’ve been dying to show off. you clasp the bra easily before you pull on the matching light pink underwear.

as you settle in front of the floor length mirror that leans against your closet door, you can’t help but let your thoughts wander to jaemin. his little prude, huh? you laugh to yourself, wondering how he’d react if he knew you got dicked down semi-regularly by jeno. just because you aren’t as obvious as he is doesn’t mean you aren’t getting any.

you switch positions until you find a pose that’s just right, capturing your bitten bottom lip, the swell of your breasts, and how the lace hugs your hips. before you can second guess yourself, you snap a picture.

if only jaemin could see you now.

you type out a short message - see something you like? maybe you should come over and look closer - and hit send, staring at your reflection for a bit longer before pushing yourself off the floor and back up onto your bed. it’s late, far too late for jeno to take you up on your offer, but it can’t hurt to ask. hell, maybe he’ll come over anyways. maybe you can make jaemin wish his walls were soundproof for once.

your phone vibrates in your hand, pulling you out of your thoughts of revenge against your roommate. you glance down, ready to respond cheekily to whatever jeno has said, and -

oh.

from: jaemin :/

fuck

yes

i wouldn’t mind, sweetheart. still, you could’ve asked in person. i’m only a door away, you know

your eyes widen in panic as you realize that, because you’d been thinking of jaemin earlier, you’d typed his name in and not jeno’s, resulting in you sending your honest-to-god nudes to your roommate. you rush to rectify your mistake, your fingers flying as you type a frantic response.

even as you hurry to tell him not to show up to your room naked, which you’re very afraid of him doing whether he has a girl over or not, a voice in the back of your mind can’t help but perk up.

i mean, jaemin is kind of hot, it says, actively laughing at your predicament. you wouldn’t mind being underneath him as he-

"shit!” you hiss out loud, acting as if swearing will distract you for your own thoughts. you press send, cursing the universe for causing your life to lead up to this moment as you do.

to: jaemin :/

FUCK they weren’t meant for you

please delete and pretend this never happened

+ don’t you have someone over????

his response comes quickly, and you brace yourself to read them.

from: jaemin

lol PLEASE as if you have someone to sends nudes to

but yes i’ll delete :(

she left like an hour ago, not really my type

for the sake of your sanity you choose not to respond, only liking his message about deleting the picture you’d sent. you switch out your lace set for the clothes you’d had on earlier, not even bothering to respond to jeno as you’d meant to earlier. as you put your phone on charge and turn out your light for the night, you do your best to force yourself to sleep.

hopefully, this whole ordeal will have blown over in the morning.

♕ ♕ ♕

the first thing you notice when you wake up is how insanely bright the sun is. the white curtains on your window do nothing to stop the light from pouring into the room, and you - wait.

white curtains?

you look around, taking in the beat up ryan plushie on top of the bookshelf in the corner of the room and the gaming chair at the desk. as you become more and more awake, your setting makes itself obvious.

once you realize it, you bolt upright, wondering what the hell you’re doing in jaemin’s room, especially when jaemin is nowhere to be found. you know you don’t sleepwalk, and you know for a fact that you’d fallen asleep in your own bed.

it’s only as you swing your legs out of bed and happen to glance down at them that you realize what has happened.

before you can say anything, however, you hear a voice - your own voice exclaim a loud ‘what the hell?’ from down the hall. you rush out of your - jaemin’s - room, only to immediately run into what looks to be your own body.

“(name)?” it says, and you gulp before nodding.

“jaemin?”

♕ ♕ ♕

“look,” you say, pinching your - jaemin’s - nose bridge. “we’ve been arguing for like an hour, now. it’s obvious that neither of us know why this happened, so we might as well try to figure out what we can do to make it un-happen!”

“it’s because you sent me that nude,” he says, running a hand through his - your - hair. “the universe reset itself out of shock at seeing you do something remotely sexual.”

“if i was in my own body, i’d kick your ass right now,” you swear, pushing yourself up off of the dining table which you’d been leaning against. you take a threatening step towards jaemin. he laughs.

“if i was in my own body, i’d... i’d probably be jerking off right now, to be honest. i miss my dick.”

you wince in disgust, staring down at his - your - face. “better not be to my picture.”

he shakes his - your - head at this, though not without raising his eyebrow at you. “i’m not a complete asshole - i deleted when you asked me to.”

“thank you,” you respond, not sure what else is to say. jaemin nods sagely before a grin starts spreading across his face.

“you know, maybe we have to recreate last night to fix it. do the same things, you know? who was the message meant for last night? maybe i’ll send them another one today.”

the thought of jaemin taking nudes of your body makes you feel dizzy in both bad and good ways. you realize he actually expects you to tell him, and you find yourself shaking your head no in response.

he quirks an eyebrow of yours.

“what, don’t want me to know? it’s not like i’ll tell anyone, you know. i mean-”

“it’s not that,” you hurry to tell him, and he smirks at you in return.

“no? then what is it?”

before you can respond, jaemin continues speaking, and you realize his question had been rhetorical. “oh, i know!” he says, sounding as if he’s had the realization of a lifetime. “you meant to send it to me, didn’t you? you just lied and got cold feet, after. i knew it! there’s no way you’re actually-”

in your haste to get jaemin to shut the hell up and your current inability to think straight, you cross the space between you two in one stride before pressing your mouth against his (or, you guess, his mouth against yours), desperate to get him to stop talking. your eyes are screwed shut anyways, so you don’t see his slide shut.

the two of you stay like that for what feels like an eternity before you pull away.

“i’m so sorry-” you start, opening your eyes to peer sheepishly up at jaemin.

wait.

up?

you blink once, twice, before bursting out into laughter. jaemin, after overcoming his own befuddlement does the same.

“oh my god, i can’t believe that fixed it,” you say once you get over the shock of being back in your own body. “holy shit.”

“i can’t believe any of that happened in the first place,” jaemin says, and you nod in agreement. a silence falls between the two of you almost immediately as you both try to figure out what to say to each other now.

you glance around the room, searching for something to fixate your gaze on. you know jaemin is doing the same beside you. before you can say something embarrassing - you’re seriously considering patting him on the back and going ‘good work out there’ - jaemin rests his hands lightly against your waist, forcing you to meet his eyes with yours.

“i kind of wish i’d experienced our kiss from inside my own body,” he says, and you search his face for an iota of a joke, something that says he’s messing with you.

there’s none to be found. you reach a hand up to rest against the back of his neck and, before you know it, you’re cupping the back of his head and pulling his lips to yours once again, though this one is much more passionate than the last. his hands tighten their grips on your waist as he pulls you flush against him, and you tangle your fingers in his hair.

once you pull away, you can’t bring yourself to leave his grasp. instead, you ask him the question that’s burning on your mind.

“do you want to see the lace set in person?”

your roommate nods, his excited actions directly contrasting his dark, hooded gaze. he lets you take his hand in yours, allowing you to drag him to your room. just as you shove open your bedroom door, however, jaemin speaks again.

“out of curiosity, who was the picture meant for?”

you stare at him for one, two beats before sighing, wincing right after. he gazes back at you both steadily and expectantly, and you figure you may as well say it.

“it ... it was meant for jeno.”

"what?”

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fanfics-for-the-hockey-fan · 4 years

Text

My Treasure - William Nylander

Request: Can you do one where you are pregnant with William nylanders baby and getting hate and he makes you feel better

Getting pregnant at 24 was definitely not a part of my 5 year post college plan. Then again falling in love wasn't one of my bullet points either. But when my period was over a week late I knew that everything was about to change. William was thrilled when he saw the bolded word on the pregnancy test, immediately wanting to tell anyone he could. I was a little more hesitant to share the news.

I knew that I wanted children someday and those feelings intensified once my relationship with William became serious, I just figured we would be married and I would be a little more secure in my teaching job before we would add a baby to the mix. We told our families first and they were all excited and happy for us, same with friends and teammates. The real problem came when we started to share the news with the rest of the world. On William's social media everyone was happy for us and wishing us well, but mine is where all of the hate went.

She probably got knocked up so he couldn't leave her.

Hopefully you don't gain too much baby weight, you could already stand to lose a little.

You're not even pregnant with his kid I bet, just went to the guy with the biggest paycheck.

I did my best to delete the comments as soon as I saw them, hiding them from William so he wouldn’t get upset. Some people didn't get the hint after the first deleted comment and I would end up blocking them. Two weeks after announcing our pregnancy the nasty comments were outweighing the nice ones of my post. My pregnancy hormones went crazy one day when my pants didn't fit for the first time of the pregnancy and William was away on a road trip until the morning.

I canceled my plans to go get dinner with some friends and instead had a pity party in some of William's clothes with ice cream and reading through all the horrible things that were being said about me.

I can't believe he is still with her, she is not pretty enough for him.

Fat cow

You are going to ruin his career with the child.

I cried myself to sleep on the couch after midnight and didn't wake up until someone was brushing some hair out of my face. Slowly opening my eyes I saw a concerned William kneeling on the floor in front of me. "Ellie, what’s wrong? Were you crying?" I sat up, making room for William next to me before he pulled me into his lap. "Your friends texted me last night and told me you skipped on going to dinner with them. Is everything okay? Is the baby okay?"

"The baby is fine, I just couldn't find anything that fit comfortably with the bump. I had a pity party with ice cream and must have fallen asleep." Everything I said was true, I just left out one major thing.

"I'm sorry babe, but can I finally buy you some new maternity clothes? Please." He gave me puppy dog eyes as he begged, causing me to laugh and turn to face him more.

"You love shopping more than I do."

"Is that a yes? I'm taking that as a yes. Go get ready, shopping might take all day." With that he was carrying me down the hall, laughing the entire way. When he finally set me down I managed to find a t-shirt dress that wasn't too uncomfortable and proceeded to get ready.

***

After a full day of shopping William took me out to dinner at our favorite Spanish restaurant. I excused myself after we ordered a bunch of small plates to share to run to the bathroom and when I got back William was standing at the table with a large plastic bag and shaking hands with the owner. "What's going on?"

"I thought you might be more comfortable if we went home and ate. I've kept you busy most of the day so I know your feet must be bothering you." His tone was off but I brushed it off as we headed out. The drive home was a tense silence without even the radio playing.

I didn't say anything until we were in the apartment and William started slamming cabinet doors as he got plates. "What's wrong?"

"I just don't get why people spend so much time trying to make other people down! Like, what does it do for them?" He had a fire in his eyes I had only ever seen on the ice, and I wasn't sure what was causing it.

"I'm going to some more context here. Did something happen at the restaurant?"

"Before we left the last store I took a couple of pictures for our shopping day and posted them to Instagram. I thought it was no big deal, just sharing what I was up to on a day off. And then when you were in the bathroom your phone started buzzing like crazy so I thought someone was trying to call you. But all of your notifications were for Instagram, and I know I shouldn't have opened the app on your phone but I thought maybe it was your girlfriends' group chat and Sophie finally got engaged." I let out a small chuckle at that, we basically were taking bets on when her and her high school sweetheart would finally take the next step.

"I'm guessing that isn't what you saw." I knew what he was going to say next but I was hoping with every fiber of my being that I was wrong.

"No, I saw the worst of humanity in your DMs. I just- how can people be so cruel?" William slumped into the bar stool next to me at the island as I reached for my phone having to see what was sent to me now. "Ellie…" I ignored his worried warning as I opened up the app, going to my DMs.

Fat cow, you only got pregnant so that you could lock in some who is far too good for you. I hope he sees he could do so much better and kicks you out before that baby ruins his career and life!

So you are just using him for his money. I bet the baby isn’t even his, probably a teammate who makes less. Whore!

Bitch, why are you even with Willy? He is a literal hockey god and from what i can tell you are just some stupid high school math teacher. He can do so much better than you.

There were over 50 messages just like those, all sent within the last hour. I didn't even dare look at the comments on my latest post, even though it was a few days old the braver trolls put their nasty messages there for the whole world to see.

"How long has this been happening?" I had hopped off my stool, going to plate up the food we brought home and trying to avoid the conversation I knew we needed to have. "Ellie… Please talk to me. How long?"

"Honestly, since we started posting that we were dating. It's gotten worse since we posted that we are gonna be parents."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because part of me thought that if I just deleted the messages and comments that it wasn't real. That if I was the only one who knew that I could just pretend that it was all in my head. Then there is that stupid voice in my head that likes to play up my insecurities, that made me feel like if you saw what people were sending me that you would believe it. And I know that thinking that is stupid and unrealistic but it can sometimes be the loudest thing in there." William also got off his stool, coming to stand right in front of me. He kissed my forehead before cupping my cheeks and holding eye contact.

"Min skatt, never feel like you have to hide this from me. You are the one I am in love with and want to spend the rest of my life with. You are the only one that can make me smile and laugh when I am in a bad mood after a game. You are the only one I see myself growing old, and possibly bald with." I let out a gasp at the word bald, he was so protective about his hair.

"See, the rational part of me knows all that."

"Well, let me make it clear to every part of you. I love you with every fiber of my being and as soon as I meet with your father next week to ask for his blessing, I will be asking you to marry me."

"Will…"

"But I am going to need you to act surprised when I ask." That got a small chuckle out of me.

"I'll do my best." William's stomach growled then, making both laugh. "Let's eat before your stomach starts communicating with us again." William just nods, a thoughtful look on his face that I'm sure would cause problems later but right now I just wanted to live in the happy moment.

After reheating the food and settling at the kitchen island to eat, I went through and deleted all the DMs and comments. I barely registered what they said as I deleted. What I didn't know was Will was looking at the comments as I deleted before pulling out his own phone. It was only when my phone buzzed with another notification that I found out what he was doing.

@williamnylander tagged you in a post

The post was two pictures side by side; the first was from our first date at a Christmas market, all bundled up and snuggled into each other as we took the photo in a mirror. The other picture was a selfie he took of us at my last doctor's appointment for the pregnancy, both of us were all smiles as I sat on the exam table with a picture of the sonogram on the screen behind us.

Two pictures of the love of my life. One from our first date, where I was a clutz and spilt hot chocolate all over her light grey coat and she still agreed to a second date. The other from a few weeks ago when we got another look at our baby.

I can say without any doubt that having Ellie in my life has only made it better. She has become my sounding board for when I'm frustrated, my motivation to score more goals, and my ray of sunshine on any cloudy day.

I knew from that first date that Ellie was the one for me, no one can tell me otherwise. And now she is carrying our first child. My heart continues to grow and fall in love with this amazing, kind, dedicated, caring, loving, and perfect woman each day.

I am so lucky to spend time with you each day and anyone who says otherwise is wrong and jealous of what we have.

Min skat, I am so excited to watch our family grow and experience the joys and challenges of parenthood with you. Ellie I love you and can't wait to see where we go next.

Together.

The tears started flowing before I even read the caption, the pictures enough with my pregnancy hormones. But the words William managed to write push me over the edge, I was crying at the love he put into the words but also laughing at the not so subtle 'fuck you' to all the nasty people who sent you messages.

"Did I overstep? I don’t want to embarrass you."

"It's perfect. You're perfect. I love you."

"I love you too, and I plan on showing you that everyday. Even if it is something as simple as an Instagram post."

"It's not just the post, it's that you are saying to all the people who see your pictures and then come trash talk to me that you know about them. And that will probably stop some of them from doing it again. And anyone who doesn't get the message gets blocked."

"Good. Now, let go watch some TV and cuddle." Nodding grabbing my plate of food, following William to the couch before curling into his side.

As William pulled up the next episode of a show we were binging, I thought of something. "You never have told me what 'min skat' means."

"It means 'my treasure'. And it reminds me how lucky I am every day to have you in my life."

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searchingwardrobes · 3 years

Text

I’ve been thinking all day about this post that I saw and reblogged about Snow’s desire to have another baby and how that hurt Emma. While it is completely understandable for Emma to feel that way as the lost girl that she is, I don’t think Snow is evil or a bad mother to want another baby. I’ve even read fics where people delete the birth of Snowing’s son altogether, seeing them having another child as a betrayal of Emma. I disagree completely. It isn’t them having another child that is problematic, it’s the way it was written in the show. Snow’s words in the echo cave that what she has with Emma isn’t what she wanted is a poor choice of words, but as a mother myself, I get what she was trying to say. Every mother wants to experience all the special moments as their child grows: the squishy baby against their shoulder, the first steps and words, the gap toothed six year old smiles - all of it. It’s what’s so tragic about the curse and what it did to Snowing and Emma. Snow having another baby doesn’t mean she’s “replacing Emma” because, by that logic, every mother who has more than one child is a bad person. Every mother who has a baby after losing a child is a bad person. That’s ridiculous. Any mother will tell you that ten babies can never replace the one you lost (or the ones you have for that matter). And if the Snowings should never have children as some sort of penance for giving Emma away, then by that logic, Captain Swan should never have children either because Emma gave up Henry.

Soooo, the problem isn’t Snowing having another baby. It’s the show’s writers doing Snowing dirty time and again by sweeping Emma’s emotions under the rug and having David and Snow cater more to Regina than their own daughter. We’ve heard the shows creators and writers use the excuse that they didn’t have time. Well, it wouldn’t have taken much. Dozens of little moments could have done the trick, they just didn’t take advantage of the opportunities they had to include them. So here are some quick scenes I wrote that either tweak canon or add to it and fix what the writers botched. These are written like scripts because I just needed to get them out of me. If anyone is inspired to use these as prompts for fics, feel free!

In Neverland:

Snow: If you can’t leave this place, then I’m staying with you. I’m not losing you again.

Charming: No, you can’t do that, Emma needs you.

(tears fill Snow’s eyes)

Snow: You’re right.

Charming pulls her close

Charming: I have hope that you and Emma will find a way to bring me home. We always find each other, remember?

Later, Emma is alarmed that they are leaving her dad behind. Snow takes her face in her hands.

Snow: We’ll find a way to bring him home - together.

Emma and Snow have a conversation in 3B ( did they ever get this chance in canon? I don’t think they did.)

Snow: (rubbing her belly) I get the sense that this is bothering you.

Emma: Why would it bother me?

Snow: (touching Emma’s arm) You can tell me.

Emma: I know it sounds silly, but I feel like . . . like I’m being replaced. (her voice hitches)

Snow: Oh sweetheart, we always knew we wanted you to have siblings. You could never be replaced.

Emma: But in the echo caves, you said I wasn’t what you wanted.

Snow: (eyes widening) Oh baby, no! That’s not what I meant at all. I meant that being separated from you wasn’t what I wanted - as a mother. We deserved so much more than we had - you deserved so much more. I wanted a chance to hold a baby, see his first steps, hear his first words. I’m sure you understand.

Emma: (chokes on a sob) I do, actually. I wanted all that with Henry, but I knew he needed more than I could give. And the worst part is, these false memories of raising him? Now they’re torturing me.

Snow: (pulls Emma close and holds her) I put you through that wardrobe because I had no idea what the curse would do.

Emma: (chokes out laugh) I would still be a baby now, for one.

Snow: (pulls back and cups Emma’s face) And who knows if Regina even would have let us be together. Your father was in a coma in the hospital. I shudder to think where my precious baby Emma would have been. (She presses her forehead to Emma’s.) Nothing could ever replace you, not now, not ever. Do you hear me?

(Emma nods and smiles through her tears.)

While Charming and Emma are putting together the crib, Snow gets quiet and wistful, then tears fill her eyes.

Snow: You were supposed to be so much younger when it was time to get ready for a new brother or sister.

Emma: (pauses in what she is doing to give her mother a watery smile) I know.

At the naming ceremony:

Snow: David and I thought about all of the many people who have loved us and supported us over the years. There are two special people who have not only been our friends, but also sheltered me when I needed a home. (chuckles) And didn’t hold it against me that I was hiding in their barn stealing their eggs. So we would like to introduce: Prince Lucas!

(Ruby and Granny gasp tearfully, then rush over. Ruby hugs Snow tightly and Granny gently takes the baby.)

Granny: Well, now that he has a name, I can finally finish that baby blanket.

(The crowd in the diner laughs.)

(Now Emma doesn’t have to be reminded of her painful past/awful ex every time she says her brother’s name.)

Emma realizes she’s made her baby brother’s bottle start boiling - ignore my alliteration :) - all the other mothers in the mommy & me class gasp or recoil, but Snow reaches out gently to her daughter.

Snow: It’s okay, Emma.

Emma is freaked out that she could have hurt her brother and runs from the room while Snow shouts after her, frantically getting LUCAS (not Neal) into his stroller so she can go after her. This sufficiently establishes the fear Emma has that she will hurt her family or push them away - Snow recoiling wasn’t necessary just as it wasn’t necessary for Hook or Henry to recoil from Emma to convey the plot point.

Instead of teaching Regina to dance:

Snow: (in her chambers, sees her husband rushing to leave) Where are you going?

Charming: I just realized I never got a chance to teach my daughter to dance, (harkening back to the dream he had in 3b - HELLO writers!) and this is her first ball.

Snow grins at the excitement on his face and in his voice and rushes out with him, baby LUCAS in her arms. But when they get to Emma’s chamber, the door is ajar, and they see someone has beat them to it:

Hook: It’s a waltz Emma, remember? You’ve done this before, and splendidly I might add.

Emma: You did it splendidly, you mean. Remember, pick a partner who knows what he’s doing?

(Hook laughs, and in the doorway, Charming deflates, smiling sadly and wistfully.)

Charming: (whispering to his wife) I forgot, this isn’t her first ball after all, and she already has a teacher.

(Snow touches him in a comforting way. Across the room, Hook looks up and sees them. He catches Charming’s eyes, and a look of understanding crosses his face.)

Emma: Besides, there will be other dances besides, waltzes, right? How will I learn those in only a few hours?

Hook: Well, love, I believe reinforcements have arrived. Someone else would like a dance.

(Emma looks up as her father approaches, a smile beaming across her face. Charming is visibly choked up as he takes Emma in his arms to dance. Hook and Snow exchange emotional smiles.)

Snow: And after the dancing lessons your mother is going to help you get dressed and do your hair.

Emma: (pretending to be embarrassed) This isn’t the prom.

Snow: No, but it is our first ball together. (She’s choked up - they all are.)

In addition to these, I believe the writers should never have done the “darkness was taken out of fetus Emma” storyline. I could write an entire post on this, but all I will say here is that it harmed Snowing’s established characters and did further damage to their relationship with Emma. For no reason at all, really. (And does Emma really seem like a pure snowflake with no darkness in her? Does that even fit her character? Please.)

They also never should have added the plot point in season 6 that Snowing could have gone to little girl Emma and chose not to. Why in the world would them going to her prevent the curse from breaking? That makes no sense! They could have raised her from that point, preparing her for her 28th birthday, when they could have all returned to Storybrooke TOGETHER to wake everyone else up from the curse. The only reason that couldn’t happen was - plot. You change the entire show. So why even include this plot thread? It did nothing but make Snowing look like bad parents. I’m a mama, and let me tell you, nothing would be keeping me from my kid, curses be damned. I would have gone through that portal in a heartbeat, telling Rumple, “we’ll figure it out, see ya!” So - yeah - never should have included this. And Emma’s reaction to this revelation? Completely out of character! Ugh!

Um, so there ya go - “How the show could have been better” by Melanie.

And reading back over this, it’s kind of a mess, but I just had THOUGHTS that needed to come out.

#once crit #fix it ideas I guess?#kind of me rambling about this show that I love but also drives me crazy

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justfandomwritings · 4 years

Note

Oh my goshhh!!! Loyalty is frigging amazing!!!! That fic is so beautiful.. I just... there's no words, man. What happens next? How do they plot? Does he kill Odin and Thor? Can you please tag me when you write the spin off (not to be rude but how long will that take? I am just soooo excited) ❤❤

Gather round children! I am not going to write any story of how Loki’s story matches up with the MCU, and while the sequel I’ve plotted will feature bits of this, it will really only hint at what happened to Loki. So, because I think everyone deserves an explanation, here is how Loyalty!Loki progressed through the movies.

Loyalty post-story explanation:

The plot continues up to Thor as you’d imagine.

Brilliant actor that he would be, Loki pretends to be absolutely fine with all slights and fakes that he has gotten over his lost love. Because no one in his family pays attention to him, no one at court notices anything is wrong with Loki or that it’s odd that he got over losing his soulmate so quickly.

Loki spends more and more time in the lower districts of Asgard, doing everything in his power to support the people and keep (Y/n)’s memory alive.

The people loved her, were loyal to her, and still are. Naturally, Loki receives much of this loyalty through his relationship with (Y/n) and more importantly through his insistence on keeping her memory alive.

All the while, Loki is plotting Thor and Odin’s demise. He knows he wants it to be at the hands of the Frost Giants who killed (Y/n), and it’s Narfi who gives him the chance.

Now on the Council for himself, Narfi is ordered to plan Thor’s coronation, and he and Loki plan out how the Frost Giants might ruin his big day.

They use (Y/n)’s old family home for their preparations. Most nobles consider the outer rim of fishers near (Y/n)’s childhood to be insignificant. So as long as Heimdall doesn’t watch Loki enter the house or know he’s going there, no one cares to look at what’s happening in (Y/n)’s old room.

Thor movie

On the day of the coronation, Loki has doubts. He knows this is not what (Y/n) would want him to become, and he questions whether they should follow through.

Then, one last time, Thor slights him before the coronation by talking about Loki’s conquests as though they were his own and by mentioning the attack by the Frost Giants as if it were a success even though (Y/n) died.

(Insert the deleted scene of Thor and Loki together waiting to enter the throne room)

Loki makes up his mind then and there that Thor must lose everything, as he once did.

The Frost Giants come and Thor shows his true colors.

He demands a raid on Jotunheim, and though Loki publicly denies it, he is seething inside.

Thor demanded justice for a stupid ceremony and thought that was worthy of Laufey’s head, but Laufey killing (Y/n) wasn’t even worth a second thought to Thor.

After Jotunheim, even Odin can’t deny what Thor has done, and Loki relishes watching Thor cast away from everything he’s ever known.

In the vaults beneath Asgard, Loki argues with Odin on the steps only for Odin to tell him the reason Frost Giant’s don’t affect him is because he is one.

Loki watches Odin collapse and the guards take him away, leaving Loki to think.

Loki is horrified. This whole time he’s been on a quest of vengeance against the Frost Giants, and he is one of the monsters who killed (Y/n).

He determines that his best plan would be to kill them all, take Thor and Odin’s life himself.

He sends the Destroyer for Thor and is only incensed more when Thor appeals to him for mercy for Midgard. After everything, Thor still doesn’t understand why Loki is in a rage.

The fight happens as it did, and Thor destroys the Bifrost to save whatever is left of Jotunheim.

Odin is holding Thor who is holding the spear with Loki.

Loki: “Vengeance, that’s all I wanted for her, but you wouldn’t even give her dignity.”

Thor looks confused for a moment before he realizes who Loki’s talking about.

Odin just stares on emotionless as always.

Loki: “We’ll see.”

Loki falls.

Between movies

Loki falls to Thanos.

Loki is worried over what Thanos’ plans to do, to destroy half the known universe.

He wouldn’t mind watching half of Asgard burn or all of Jotunheim or even parts of Midgard which Thor had come to care about, but he knows that isn’t what (Y/n) would have wanted, that many innocents would die in the crossfire, that some of those may even be his own, his real, family.

Using the mind stone, Thanos finds the rage and anger within Loki, and there’s a great deal of it after millennia of being slighted by his father and brother and pitied by his mother, and after a century of suffering the loss of the only person he ever loved.

Thanos exploits this and draws it out, sending the mind-controlled Loki to Earth to retrieve the Tesseract for him.

Avengers movie

Everything happens as made, save that one conversation between Thor and Loki.

Thor: “I thought you dead.”

Loki: “Did you mourn?”

Thor: “We all did. Our father...”

Loki: “Your father. He did tell you my true parentage did he not?”

Thor: “We were raised together, we played together, we fought together. Do you remember none of that?”

Loki: “I remember a shadow, living in the shade of your greatness. You speak of togetherness because every time you needed me I was there, but every time I needed you I was alone. I remember studying magic, alone. I remember defending myself against the Warriors Three, alone. I remember standing up to Father, alone. I remember being punished for our tricks, alone.”

Loki: “I was alone until (Y/n) came, and then you took her from me. You made me alone again. Not just for being the cause of her death, but for not caring that you caused it at all. I was back where I began. I mourned her, alone. And when I finally came out of my chambers, I sat, alone, robbed of the only real family I ever knew. And you’re surprised that after millennia of suffering your destruction, I plotted vengeance alone?”

Thor: The Dark World

Loki faces Odin’s punishment for Midgard alone.

He rots in the dungeon until someone tells him Frigga has been killed.

Loki wants to hate her like he hates the rest of them. She was never a good mother. She clearly preferred Thor and pitied Loki. She let Odin run rampant over Asgard and his sons, and she never once defended Loki.

But Loki can’t bring himself to hate her because: for one at least she tried, but more importantly she gave him (Y/n).

Loki goes with Thor because if he can’t avenge (Y/n) then at least he can avenge his mother.

He watches Thor’s love for Jane and can’t decide if he despises it or not. He wants desperately, to watch Thor suffer; but he isn’t sure if that is how. His pain is the sort of pain he wouldn’t wish on his worst enemy, and his worst enemy was his brother.

In the ship, they talk about it.

Loki: “The only woman who’s love you prize will be snatched from you.”

Thor: “And will that satisfy you brother?”

Loki: “No, but perhaps in a few years, when I get to watch you become me; perhaps that will satisfy me.”

Thor: “This was all about (Y/n)?”

Loki: “That feeling you have for Jane, that love; imagine if it were the only love you’d ever felt. Imagine if Odin despised you and Mother ignored your suffering. Imagine if I spent my life beating you into submission. Imagine if the Warriors Three and all your friends didn’t care about you. And imagine if the Nine Realms never noticed you existed. Imagine the only person you love being the only person who loved you, then imagine my arrogance, after years of cruelty and incompetence, finally ripped it away.”

Loki retreats and sits back down. Loki: “It was always about her. It will always be about her.”

Between Movies

Loki avenges his mother and fakes his own death to rule Asgard as the King they always deserved.

He puts the people first, shares his wealth and power, he rules with a firm, justice hand and doesn’t play favorites like his father.

The people all begin to realize that it isn’t Odin, that Loki has replaced him, when Loki orders a giant statue to his soulmate built in front of his extension to the palace.

No one says anything. They prefer this happy peaceful life Loki’s given them. It’s the life Frigga promised they would get with soulmates, but the life Odin was too warlike to let anyone actually have.

Thor: The Dark World

The movies plot passes pretty much the same, but Loki’s character is more in keeping with his development and style. It isn’t the sort of sniveling, whiny, weak creation Taika came up with.

Loki comes at the end of the movie, not to help Thor, but because he realized Thor was going to have it out with Hel on Asgard and put the people in grave danger, including his real family.

He arrives and sees Delling and Dysis helping their daughters and grandchildren onto the ship he brought.

Loki: “Where are the others?”

Delling, heartbroken: “Gone. They died with the army.”

Loki, discouraged: “And Narfi?”

Delling just shakes his head.

Loki roars out into the battle and ends up fighting side by side with Thor and the Valkyrie.

As he brings about Ragnarok, Loki takes the Tesseract. He knows that even the blast of Ragnarok won’t destroy the Space Gem, and he can’t very well leave it floating in space for Thanos to just casually pick up, so he determines to find somewhere to hide it forever.

As the battle rages on between Surtur and Hel, Loki heads for the Royal Family’s tomb and takes (Y/n)’s crypt, using the Tesseract to port it onto the ship. Everything else is going to go up in flames, and Loki refuses to let that be her legacy.

The end of the movie, onboard the ship, Thor throws a thing at Loki to prove he isn’t there.

Loki catches it. Loki: “I’m here, brother.”

Loki turns and leaves the room, finding (Y/n)’s family and sitting with them. He’s given up vengeance on Thor because he’s finally realized (Y/n) died to save his brother, not so Loki could kill him later. But he knows now that this is his real family.

Thor is off to the side, watching them. This time he’s the one standing alone.

Seeing their interactions, their mourning Narfi and his brothers, their talking with Loki, Thor realizes that Loki was right. They never really treated him like family

He realizes that Odin, with his help, robbed Loki of everything. A normal family, a happy life, his one true love. They even took the family he made for himself.

Thor decides to leave Loki in peace with his family and leave on his own.

Avengers: Infinity War

Loki watches Thanos ready to kill Thor and realizes what Thanos means by half. He’s going to kill half of each group, and that means half of the sons of Odin.

Loki knows that Thor with his Avengers stands a better chance than Loki, and if Thor dies Thanos may well succeed.

More importantly to Loki, if Thor dies, then (Y/n) died in vain.

Loki rushes Thanos and dies so that he is the half of the sons of Odin that Thanos kills. He dies for Thor the same way (Y/n) did.

The rest of the movie happens.

Avengers: Endgame

Finally understanding what Loki felt, finally understanding what it’s like to lose everything, Thor picks up Loki’s quest for vengeance and takes off Thanos’ head.

Then, with no real purpose, Thor mourns, alone, like his brother did.

Movie goes as planned mostly.

When Hulk snaps, he doesn’t just bring back the half of humanity that Thanos snapped out of existence. Thanos had been roaming the galaxy slaughtering half of every inhabited world he encountered, and Hulk (knowing this from watching on the ship) thinks of them too and brings back the millions who died before the snap.

Asgard’s army was killed by Hel before Thanos ever touched them, but Loki is brought back in space and roars into battle to help protect his family.

When the war is finally won, Loki watches Cap disassemble the infinity gauntlet with envy.

The rest of the Avengers are wary that he will try to steal it, but Thor knows what he’s thinking.

Thor: “Perhaps the soul stone might bring her back.”

Loki: “Let her rest brother. I have kept her alive through death for far too long. She deserves peace.”

Loki leaves. No one knows where he’s gone, and no one ever sees him again.

Loki returns to the wreckage, retrieves (Y/n)’s crypt and disappears forever.

I plotted this out when I plotted out the series, because I believe you have to know the whole story to write a story well.

But as you can see, there are huge chunks where the story just overlaps with the movies, so I didn’t think it would make for very good reading.

#loyalty

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peaceisadirtyword · 4 years

Text

Secrets XVIII (Modern!Ivar/Reader)

A/N: Finally, this was driving me mad lol. I’m so sorry I took so long to post this, because I should have posted it a week ago but I was being paranoid and insecure. Don’t be like me. I’m sorry if you don’t like this at all, if this is shit we can always delete and pretend it never existed♥️ anyway, I hope you like it!

Warnings: my bad writing, mentions of sex and alcohol

Words: 2959

Secrets Masterlist

gif belongs to @therealcalicali

"Are you completely sure it was her, Hvitserk?" Ubbe sighed, looking at his brother "It might be an old photo, or someone who looks like her..."

"I'm not sure it was her, I'm telling you" Hvitserk rolled his eyes "I think it was her, but it could be someone else"

"If we tell Ivar, he'll freak out"

"I know, Ubbe"

His older brother sat down on the couch, running his hands through his brown hair.

"Why would she come back?"

"Maybe she heard Ragnar and Aslaug are dead" Hvitserk shrugged "She was always a gold digger, she might have heard the rumors about Ivar taking over the business"

"If it was her, she'll try to get in contact with Ivar" Ubbe rubbed his eyes. It was too late and he had run out of beer, he didn't think he could handle the situation without alcohol.

"He will be pissed" Hvitserk bit his lip, furrowing his brows.

"Do you think she knows about Y/N?" Ubbe frowned.

"Of course she knows about Y/N... Fuck"

"We can try and contact her before she contacts Ivar" his older brother sighed "Tell her to fuck off before she does any more harm"

Hvitserk took a deep breath, nodding.

"She already did enough harm"

___________________________________

You groaned as you felt Ivar's weight on top of you. You heard his chuckle on your ear and couldn't help but smile, with your eyes still closed. His lips pressed against your cheek and you sighed.

"Morning" he muttered, his voice still sleepy and hoarse "Come on, wake up"

Slowly, you opened your eyes, only to find his intense blue ones looking at you.

"Did you know that you have very beautiful eyes, Ivar?" You said with a small smile. He chuckled and raised an eyebrow in surprise. He didn't know what he expected to hear from you, but it definitely wasn't that.

"Thank you, I suppose" he tilted his head "They're like my father's, I think"

"Yeah, Ubbe and you have your father's eyes" you pointed out, caressing his cheek absentmindedly.

"I miss him" he muttered "I miss them"

You bit your lip as he took a deep breath and rested his head on your chest.

"I'm afraid you will always miss them"

He nodded, with his eyes closed.

"I need to kill Lagertha" he muttered, and you sighed, caressing his hair "I know it won't make mor come back, but... I just can't stand the fact that she's still alive, that she still has everything after murdering my mother in cold blood, when none of this was her fault" you felt something wet against your skin, but you didn't dare to dry the tears that fell down his cheeks with your hands "She wasn't the one married, it was my father's responsibility, she only wanted a father for her son" he trembled, and you hug him tightly, trying to comfort him though you didn't know how "They never loved each other, Y/N, they only stayed together because of us, and after I was born, he just left"

You were silent. You knew Ivar loved his father dearly, but you weren't sure if he'd ever forgive him for leaving his mother to raise four kids all alone.

"Mor knew about my legs before I was born" he continued "She knew everything, the doctor told her everything... She started researching, studying the disease so everything would be ready for when I was born, though no one truly thought I would survive the birth. My father tried to make her get rid of me, he said he... Didn't want me to be born, but she ignored him, it was her decision after all" he rubbed his eyes "My own father didn't want me to be born"

"He loved you, Ivar" you muttered "He realized his mistake and loved you like he loved your brothers"

He tried to hide a sob as you caressed his hair softly. He didn't like to cry in front of people, but he needed it. And it was easy with you, it was like he didn’t have to hide what he felt.

"Sorry" he sighed.

"Don't apologize for missing your family, Ivar" you answered with a small smile "Do you feel better?"

He frowned. Did he feel better? He definitely felt better than a few days ago, when he thought he had not only lost his father and his mother, but also you.

"More or less"

Both of you stayed silent, laying on bed and caressing each other's skin. It nearly made you fall asleep again, but Ivar's soft kisses around your neck helped you to stay awake.

"I should get up and have a shower before having breakfast" you said after some minutes.

Ivar grunted, a small smirk curving his lips.

"I would tell you to let me join you in the shower but it wouldn't work" he shrugged "So what if we have sex here in bed and then I let you go and have all the showers you want?"

______________________________________

The sound of the door opening startled you, though you relaxed when you saw Sigurd entering the kitchen with a bored expression.

"Hey" he greeted you, sighing "Where is Ivar?"

"Hi" you smiled "He's in the shower, he'll be out soon... Do you want coffee?"

He shrugged, nodding his head as you poured a cup of coffee and gave it to him, leaning into the counter and looking as he winced a bit at how strong the coffee was.

"Sorry, I made it for Ivar" you bit your lip with an apologetic smile "There's sugar over there, I think"

"It's okay, I'm used to drink the coffee as Ivar likes it" he rolled his eyes "Mother always made it like that"

You cleared your throat, looking away from him. Sigurd and you had barely talked, so it was a bit awkward to stand there in the kitchen with him.

"So did you have fun last night?" He smirked. As if he was waiting for you to laugh and say it was the worst night of your life.

"Yeah, it was nice" you replied politely.

"To be honest, I was surprised when you came back" he sighed "I thought you were smarter than that"

You raised an eyebrow, smiling widely at him and shrugging.

"I suppose I'm stupid"

"You are" he chuckled "If I had the chance to get away from my brother, I would take it"

"Ivar is not that bad, sometimes"

"Yeah, sometimes" he rolled his eyes again with a smile "You're nice, Y/N, he doesn't deserve you"

It was the second brother that told you that.

"Thank you, Sigurd" you decided not to argue with him, as you decided months ago that you wouldn't get involved between the stupid rivalry between Ivar and Sigurd "So... What are you doing here?"

"Ubbe called me, he and Hvitserk wanted to talk to Ivar as soon as possible, in person, and as I was in Copenhagen, I had to stop by to pick the both of you up, to be honest, I was expecting to find the both of you fucking"

You blushed, looking away from him again.

"Did something happen?" you ignored his last comment.

"I don't know, they wouldn't tell me anything over the phone, but I don't think it's that bad" he shrugged.

You nodded in silence just when Ivar entered the kitchen, shirtless and with his hair wet. He glanced at his brother, greeting him by raising his eyebrows. Walking over to you, he kissed your cheek softly before pouring another cup of coffee for himself and leaning into the counter next to you, facing Sigurd.

"What is it?" He sighed with a bored tone.

"I don't know, Ubbe and Hvitserk wanted to talk to you, they said it was important"

"Okay" he sighed, rubbing his eyes before taking another sip from his coffee "We'll get dressed, then"

___________________________________

Ivar took a deep breath, with his eyes fixed on his crutch. The car had stopped, but Ubbe was still gripping the steering wheel, with his body tensed up and strangely quiet.

"She's in there, I think" he muttered, pointing to the pub in front of them.

Ivar never thought he'd see her again. And now he was on his way to meet her in a pub. In a fucking pub. He suddenly felt sick and took another deep breath.

It was too much.

"Come on" Ubbe patted his shoulder "I'm with you, little brother"

He nodded. He preferred Hvitserk's presence in that kind of situation, maybe because Hvitserk hated her as much as Ivar, but Ubbe was too soft.

They got out of the car. Ivar's arms felt weak as he supported his weight on them to stand up. Was it him or his legs were much heavier than ever before? He struggled to walk to the door under Ubbe's worried gaze.

"Ivar, we can leave" he suggested "I can take you home with Y/N and Sigurd can come with me"

"No" he replied, stubbornly "She said she wanted me here, she wants to talk to me"

Ubbe sighed, but didn't argue as he opened the door to the pub. He had heard you and Ivar fight for half an hour after receiving that text message. You wanted to come with them, but Ivar said no. Ubbe had tried to convince him, maybe if she saw you she would understand that she no longer had that power over him, that he had moved on. But Ivar didn't know what would be his reaction when he saw her, and that scared him.

Ubbe was the first one who spotted her. She hadn't changed a bit, and her eyes were already fixed on Ivar even before he lifted his head and looked at her.

She had a smile on her lips, with her head tilted and her long, blonde hair framing her angelic face. She looked beautiful, as always.

They walked over to the table she was sitting at, though Ivar wanted nothing more than turn around and leave that place.

"Hello Ivar" to hear his name on her voice again made him blink and look away again "Ubbe"

His older brother put his hand on Ivar's shoulder, squeezing it softly as he looked back at her, with a serious expression and narrowed eyes.

"Freydis"

___________________________________

Hvitserk was quiet, but his green eyes didn't leave you as you paced around the kitchen with your phone on hand.

"It's been three hours" you had your eyes puffy and reddened. You were worried, and Hvitserk understood that. The last time something like this happened Ragnar died and Ivar was injured. It was his daily routine, but you weren't used to that. Hvitserk doubted you would ever get used to that.

"Everything's okay, Y/N" he tried to calm you down, though he was pretty nervous too "Please, relax, do you want to eat something?"

"No, I don't want to eat anything" you nearly sobbed, sitting down on one of the stools next to him "Why does this keep happening?"

Hvitserk sighed, rubbing his eyes.

"I don't know, Y/N" he put his arm over your shoulders, letting you rest your head against his chest.

"I hate this" you groaned "Please, remind me why I fell in love with your fucking brother"

"I would love to know that myself" he muttered "I suppose it's the eyes, and the aggressive behavior, some people find that attractive"

You couldn't help but smile.

"Do you think he will...?" You bit your lip. It really wasn't the time for you to start acting all insecure because your boyfriend was going to meet his ex girlfriend. But you couldn't help but start overthinking, he hadn't wanted you to go with him, and that didn't feel right.

"To be honest, no" Hvitserk shook his head "A few months ago, maybe, but now... I saw how miserable he was when you weren't here"

___________________________________

"I understand you're now at war with Aethelwulf" Freydis took a sip of her coffee, the one the bartender had given to her for free, after she gave him one of her wide, charming smiles.

Ivar narrowed his eyes at her and she giggled.

"Come on, you murdered bot Aelle and Ecbert, everyone knows it"

"Yes, but the war was with them, not with Ecbert's son" Ubbe glared at her "We have more important things to worry about, all of that is over"

"Aethelwulf doesn't think that" she pouted "He's planning an attack, a big one, on you" suddenly, her expression changed, and if Ivar hadn't known her so well, he would have swore she looked worried "They want revenge"

"And how do you know that?" Ubbe raised an eyebrow, not believing a single word that left her lips.

"Oh, I know a lot of things" she smiled again, taking another sip of her now cold coffee "I can tell you everything, of course, it concerns you"

Ivar rubbed his eyes.

"And you expect me to believe you" he spoke, his icy blue eyes fixed on hers and he had to look away.

"I spent months working for Aethelwulf" she explained with a condescending tone "I know everything about their plans for you, they want to kill Ivar because they know he's taking over all the... Business"

"Nice, they can try" Ivar rolled his eyes before taking a long sip from his beer.

"They also targeted your new friend, Ivar, Y/N" he nearly choked when he heard your name "Apparently, Alfred is a friend of hers"

"Yes, he is" Ivar muttered, clenching his jaw. He knew that friendship with Alfred of yours wouldn't be good.

"They know everything about her, they have someone at the school who has been watching her these past months when she was all alone in there. I suppose they know she's at your house now"

"Heahmund" both Ubbe and Ivar muttered his name at the same time.

"Anyway, I don't know if they plan on hurting her or not, they didn't tell me that, I only know they're watching her and they will probably use her to get to you, what a romantic cliché, right, Ivar?" She smiled sweetly and Ivar clenched his jaw.

"I still don't understand why you're telling us" Ubbe frowned "You said you worked for Aethelwulf, how do we know this is not part of this plan you're talking about and this is all a distraction?"

"You don't know, you'll have to trust me" she shrugged, and Ivar scoffed "I just want to help you"

"Why?"

"Because I don't want to see your brother killed, Ubbe" she raised an eyebrow at him, looking annoyed "I care about him"

"You don't care about me at all" Ivar leaned into the table, glaring at her "I know you don't"

"Well, you're wrong" she pressed her lips together, glaring back at him "You need me"

Ivar was about to start yelling at her when Ubbe stopped him, touching his arm gently.

"We have to talk to Sigurd and Hvitserk" he said softly. Ivar couldn't decide if it comforted him that he was so calm or if it annoyed him even more "This concerns all of us"

Freydis rolled her eyes but smiled softly again.

"You can call me to the same number I texted you with"

Ubbe nodded as Ivar finished his beer, still trembling in rage.

"Okay, then we're finished here" Ubbe sighed while standing up, more than ready to leave that place.

"Ivar" Freydis said softly, making him look at her "Can we talk? Alone"

Ubbe looked at him with an eyebrow raised. Ivar hesitated, but licked his lips and nodded at his brother. He sighed then.

"I'll wait at the door"

Freydis put her hand over his, and Ivar's eyes fixed on her fingers caressing his skin, it felt like a burnt.

"I missed you, Ivar" she muttered, making him scoff and look away "I mean it, and I know you missed me too"

Clenching his jaw, Ivar looked at her again, tilting his head.

"Not anymore, Freydis"

She smiled softly, leaning into the table, closer to him.

"We'd be unstoppable, Ivar" she whispered "You and I, together again"

Ivar held himself back to avoid screaming at her. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. The woman that disappeared and left him behind, not even giving an explanation or even thinking about how he'd feel. That same woman was there in front of him, saying how much she had missed him.

He felt tears on his eyes, his throat burned and he had to take a deep breath, closing his eyes in rage.

"No" he answered, putting his hand away from hers "It's over, Freydis, it's been over for a while"

She looked taken aback, but recovered quickly and smirked again, nodding.

"We'll see"

__________________________________

Ivar grunted as he entered his room. His legs hurt and it had been a really long day. It was late and he had found Hvitserk snoring on the couch, with the blanket you had covered him with carefully before going to sleep.

He sighed in relief when he spotted you under the covers of his bed. He feared you were angry at him and decided to sleep on another room.

After taking off his braces and throwing the crutches to the floor, he undressed, crawling into bed careful not to wake you up.

You moved in your sleep, moaning softly as you got closer to him, maybe searching for his warmth. Ivar sighed, kissing your forehead softly before wrapping his arms around you. You barely opened your eyes, pressing your face into the crook of his neck.

"You're back"

"Yeah" he muttered "I'm back"

__________________________________________

Tags: @mblaqgi @alicedopey @cbouvier23 @lol-haha-joke @hallowed-heathen @naaladareia @tephi101 @captstefanbrandt @love-hate-love @titty-teetee @readsalot73 @moondustmemories @memememememe1-blog @dreamtherapy @rravenss @thevikingsheaux @therealcalicali @thehanneloner @fuckthatfeeling @drowninginyoureyes95 @chimera4plums @blushingskywalker @succatababe @imcreepinginyourheartbabe @austenkingmylady @timber3 @unacceptabletatertots @awkwardfangirl02 @athroatfullofglass @shipping-not-sailing @miserablecunt @two-unbeatable-beaters @gruffle1 @bucketfairies @tatidark @justacripple @love-dria @heartbeats-wildly @letsrunawaytotomorrow @inforapound @sallydelys @hellogabysblog @supermassiveblackhope @winchesterwife27 @russian-potatoes @reeree1500 @lettersofwrittencollective @hecohansen31 @youbloodymadgenius @bagpipes606 @batmanbanana @laubluered @xinyourdreamsx @funmadnessandbadassvikings @lovleyyou @coldheartelectricsoul @heavenly1927 @tootie-fruity @queendancingstars @eteramfools @tgrrose @flokidottirsstuff @shanetoo

I forgot someone please tell me! ♥️ I hope you liked it!

#ivar imagine #ivar x reader #ivar the boneless #vikings #vikings imagine #modern ivar #secrets #modern vikings

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d2kvirus · 3 years

Text

Dickheads of the Month: January 2021

As it seems that there are people who say or do things that are remarkably dickheaded yet somehow people try to make excuses for them or pretend it never happened, here is a collection of some of the dickheaded actions we saw in the month of January 2021 to make sure that they are never forgotten.

Once again, we knew that Donald Trump wasn’t going to take losing well, but when a legion of his most boneheaded supporters storm the Capitol demanding the election result be overturned because a certain thin-skinned orange gobshite had spent several weeks screaming about electoral fraud and, by the way, also set the date of January 6th for some major event, even Mike Pence couldn’t sanction his buffoonery any longer - especially when said buffoonery involved him saying “I love you” to people who were guilty of sedition and, by the way, murder - all of which led to him finally, finally, getting the boot from various social media platforms

...all while Lauren Boebert appeared to be trying to help out the insurrectionists by livetweeting the location of Nancy Pelosi, presumably because Boebert forgot about that Glock she claims to take to work with her every day and was looking for a convenient meat shield, which naturally has nothing to do with her tweeting the day would be like 1776 earlier that morning

...but the real victim in all of this was Melania Trump as it interrupted a photo shoot she was doing, which she somehow thought it was a good idea to mention several days later in a statement riddled with two opinions: “both sides” and “me, me, me” which shows she didn’t realise the optics of rearranging the china as Washington burned around her

...but according to Laura Kuenssberg it was merely a “scuffle” at Congress, as opposed to an organised group attempting to stage an armed insurrection against the government complete with at least one member carrying zip ties

...and finally, we had Ian Austin reminded us that he’s still alive by saying the exact same thing would have happened in the UK with Jeremy Corbyn supporters storming parliament, as if that happened in the four years Corbyn was wishing Austin would go away, then did go away, but sadly didn’t go away

Once again the Tory government think they know better than virologists, epidemiologists and pharmacists with their one-two punch of thinking they can just mix and match the various vaccines available rather than give people two doses of the same vaccine, but they further weaken any chance of vaccination succeeding by ignoring Pfizer’s recommendation the second dose be given within three weeks of the first by adopting a policy of the second dose is given three months later, and it it’s just as likely to be the less effective but cheaper Oxford vaccine they get a dose of

...swiftly followed by the BBC did their bit to encourage people to get vaccinated by reporting a story of a nurse getting a dose of Covid six weeks after her first vaccination jab not by reporting how she was three weeks overdue for the second dose (or, if you prefer, six weeks before her second one) but simply saying that people vaccinated can get Covid, which goes beyond the BBC’s sociopathic inability to criticise Tory fuckups into being downright fucking dangerous - as does their putting sentient testicle Toby Young on Newsnight to say how we’re all overreacting as it's not as bad as all that

Of all the things proven liar Boris Johnson should have said when the UK’s Covid death toll officially passed 100,000 (as opposed to unofficially, which would have been last December), “We have done our best” was not it, because if their best includes not going into lockdown in order to protect landlords, having Dominic Cummings dictate herd immunity in spite the fact that you need vaccinated people for it to work, refusing to have quarantine at airports until July, thinking it would be a bright idea to tell people it’s their patriotic duty to go to the pub, giving them £10 vouchers to go to restaurants, putting children going back to school ahead of any concerns about every single school could become a petri dish and countless other horrifically mismanaged instances, then we should be kept up at night dreading what their worst would be

The fact that Chartwells were given a contract to provide free school dinners with a budget of £30, and the supposed lunches that arrived had £5 worth of food in them which begged the obvious question where the other £25 went, is appalling - but not surprising, as the Tory government gave them the contract and, equally unsurprising, Chartwells was founded by a Tory donor, and equally unsurprising their response to their grift being exposed was to tell all the public school clients they cater to a pack of lies while hoping nobody found out about them doing so...which worked about as well as you can guess

Something possessed the EU to ramp up the row over the AstraZenica vaccine not passing the rigorous tests for over-65s by threatening to trigger Article 16 and limit the number of vaccines that Northern Ireland received, and that something was it was hopelessly misguided as it allowed the Tories to get their hapless response to the pandemic off the front pages for a few days and let the Leave headbangers say this is why we left the EU...in spite this threat would have never been in play if we were still in the EU

There is no way to make jokes about Kellyanne Conway posting what was, in effect, revenge porn photos of her 16-year old daughter, because that sentence is so far out there that it is borderline incomprehensible

In the space of less than twenty seconds proven liar Boris Johnson claimed that there was no prior warning of the new strain of Covid, he had the SAGE paper stating it was coming which was handed to him last September held up in his face, and then said the government acted accordingly. Yes, you read that right, he claimed the government acted accordingly to something they had no prior warning about, which is literally impossible, all in the space of ten seconds

In the latest hire by the BBC which is cause for both comment and concern, they announced their new chairman would be Tory donor Richard Sharp, whose credentials for the position are being Rishi Sunak’s ex-boss at Goldman Sachs, donating at least £400,000 to the Tory party, and having no background in journalism whatsoever

Smirking bully Priti Patel said that the UK should have closed its borders in March 2020 in order to prevent the spread of Covid. Presumably she forgot that she was a.) Home Secretary in Marsh 2020 so could have done that, and b.) Home Secretary when she said that the borders should have been closed as that indicates she doesn’t know what’s going on

The terrifying world which Alison Pearson lives in has now started to cross over into our reality due to her responding to one of the four people she hasn’t blocked on Twitter calling her what she is - namely a liar - by siccing the Torygraph’s lawyers on them claiming libel, doing the usual cry bully tactic of learning the person she is harassing works for GlaxoSmithKline so promptly went to their CEO demanding he be fired, and howling about the hate campaign being waged against her - while telling the person, who was saying he was thinking suicidal thoughts after the pile-on that Pearson had instigated even after he had deleted the tweet and apologised , that “You’re finished”

Someday in the future, scholars will study Ted Cruz responding to Biden rejoining the Paris Climate Agreement within hours of getting his feet under the Oval Office desk by pontificating about how terrible it is that Biden is more interested in the citizens of Paris than the jobless of Pittsburgh and wonder just how somebody who doesn't know why the Paris Climate Agreement was named the Paris Climate Agreement ever got to be a senator

...and judging by how Lauren Boebert also latched onto this brainless rhetoric, not only can it be asked how she got to be a senator when she had the opportunity to actually realise Cruz’s mistake, she also begs the question how she can be a senator after her publicly trying to use Nancy Pelosi as a meat shield during the Capitol riots

Unifying force Keir Starmer stated that Labour should be devoting their time to fighting the Tory government rather than fighting court cases, somehow forgetting that by breaking the guidelines of the EHRC report (which he pledged to follow without question months before it was published) is the reason that they’re fighting court cases, and just so happens to be the reason why people are asking how a meeting attended by Starmer, Angela Rayner, Len McCluskey and others either didn't have a single person taking notes, which is David Evans’ entire defence, or they did take notes by quite conveniently lost them

Oh boy, did Wall Street cheerleaders not take it well when r/WallStreetbets exposed to the entire world that the stock market is little more than a game people play with other people’s money - because the teams the Wall Street cheerleaders support started losing, and all it took was a few Redditors investing in Gamestop and Bed Bath & Beyond

Nice of Shaun Bailey to remind everyone that he’s a Tory by giving his suggestion for how the homeless could get on the property ladder, namely by saving a minimum of £5000

Clearly Marjorie Taylor Greene didn’t get the memo about the Streisand Effect, as the first thing she did after taking her seat in the House of Representatives was go on a mass deleting spree of Facebook posts - which only served to draw attention to her video saying that Nancy Pelosi be executed for treason, her track record of spreading conspiracy theories about the Parkland and Sandy Hook shootings, and her claims that a Jewish space laser is responsible for the 2018 California wildfires

Insufferable self-promoter Jess Phillips got her 2021 off to a good start by tweeting out that, as Britait has happened, we should shut up and accept it. To the surprise of nobody other than insufferable self-promoter Jess Phillips, this led to a lot of people saying that, no, they will not accept an advisory referendum somehow being bolted onto the Ten Commandments, especially as numerous things that were promised wouldn’t happen such as a border in the Irish Sea, leaving Erasmus, losing freedom of movement, leaving the Common Market have all happened

It is wrong to say that smirking bully Priti Patel has lost 150,000 police files. The actual figure is closer to 400,000 - which begs the obvious question as to what those files were, for example if those files also happened to fall under the same category as the ones that 55-year old ex-minister Mark Francois might want to have disappear for the sake of convenience

At last CD Projekt Red took some responsibility for Clusterpunk 2077 being such a cyberfuck...if by “taking responsibility” you mean “taking responsibility, dumping it all on the QA testers, and saying that everyone should blame them for everything” - and then with perfect comedic timing CD Projekt Red released an update for Clusterpunk 2077 that was so broken they had to release a hotfix for their broken patch

Expenses-fiddler Robert Jenrick decided that the most important thing to protect in the United Kingdom at this exact moment in time is...statues. Not key workers, not the vulnerable, not any human life at all. Statues.

So either Rafael Behr wrote a column for The Guardian where he tried to blame Jeremy Corbyn for his heart attack which saw Guardian higher-ups remove that passage from their print edition but forgot to remove it from the online version of the article, or The Guardian deliberately left the passage in the online version of the column in order to get some form of engagement from rage clicks while allowing Behr to act as if he is suffering some great injustice

Of course it wouldn’t take long for Steve Baker to try and claim some spurious victory for Britait, namely him claiming that tampon tax he spent so long fighting against being abolished is proof of the sunlit uplands of our post-EU nation...which ignores the fact that a.) It had nothing to do with the EU in the first place, and b.) The fact that Baker voted to keep it in place in a 2015 Commons vote

Employer of the year WWE went for an interesting twofer, as one minute they were proudly stating that WrestleMania would go ahead with a prospective 30,000 in attendance without any concerns for social distancing or any other Covid preventative measures, and the next telling the wrestlers on their roster that they would not be supplying them with Covid vaccines at the exact same time the NBA were floating the idea of providing vaccines for all their players

Make no mistake, the criticism that Erik Lamela, Sergio Reguilon, Giovani Lo Celso and Manuel Lanzini have received due to the four of them flouting lockdown regulations to attend a New Year’s party is justified - however, the fact that Duncan Castles tried to chase a headline by claiming that Lo Celso and Lamela had tested positive for Covid in a swiftly-deleted tweet is a new low for the noted barrel scraping rumour monger

Self-awareness sceptic Laurence Fox was entirely predictable in his response to the news that talkRADIO had been booted from Youtube for repeated violations of their ToS, specifically the part about spreading Covid misinformation, screaming the usual things about being “cancelled” - and then, within hours, responded to the BBC announcing a plan of educational programming to help during Lockdown III by saying he will be shielding his children from being “indoctrinated” by the BBC’s “left-wing bias” - which not only means he’s cancelling the BBC, but also had people remember that Billie Piper has custody of his children so it's not like he can even enforce his rules on what his children can and cannot watch

...by the way, Fox said nothing about Lord Sumption appearing on the BBC’s Question Time (the same show where failed actor on the grift Laurence Fox announced his new career as a clueless right wing irritant) where he told a woman with bowel cancer that her life wasn’t valuable, it was merely less valuable as she has less life left. Yes, that is eugenics getting free airtime on the BBC, thanks for noticing

Somehow the best choice of words the BBC could find when reporting the death of Phil Spector was “talented but flawed” as if murder is some character flaw instead of, oh I don’t know, a criminal activity?

You would have thought that Twitch would have simply retired the PogChamp emote permanently in the wake of Gootecks going all insurrectionist, but no, instead they thought of having a rotating cycle of emotes of various creators, in spite of those creators telling them this would be a bad idea - and those creators were proven right when Critical bard was inundated with racist and homophobic abuse in his chat that led him to close his social media profiles when he was selected for rotation, with Twitch doing fuck all about it

Fashion editor no matter what she claims she is Hadley Freeman had a really clever take about The Sopranos...actually, no she didn’t, she had an absurd belief that it’s the exact same show as Sex in the City but people overlook it Because Misogyny, and when she was lambasted for missing the point so badly she had noted dipshit David Baddiel rushing in to her rescue to mock those getting “triggered” by her insipid take while saying he never liked The Sopranos because, as he isn't an Italian-American mobster, the show did not speak to him - in other words, he made himself a subject of equal mockery

...but there was no sign of Baddiel when Hadley Freeman then jumped on the BidenErasedWomen bandwagon alongside the TERFs of Twitter as soon as Biden got his feet under the desk, which also happened to show hard centrist extremist Freeman say how she thought Trump did far more for women than Biden ever has, which as takes go is so bad that the best explanation is that she briefly forgot the difference between the words “for” and “to”, before she then deleted the tweet and tried to deny ever posting it with increasingly nonsensical explanations that rapidly looked uncannily like gaslighting

...although David Baddiel wasn’t quite done being a bellend, as he was soon yukking it up with professional victim Rachel Riley about his latest book which accuses the entire progressive left of antisemitism

The oppressed underclass known as Manchester United fans really showed their colours, first by responding to a loss to Sheffield United by sending racial abuse to Axel Tuanzebe and Anthony Martial on social media, and a couple of weeks later responded to a draw with Arsenal by sending racial abuse to Marcus Rashford, because apparently when your team drops points the most important thing is to look for which member of your team you can racially abuse

And finally, oh so finally, we have Donald Trump and his discovery of electoral fraud at last - electoral fraud that consisted of Donald Trump calling Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger demanding he change the result and all he needs is Raffensperger to “find” 11,780 votes while also saying that he had proof of vote-counting machines being removed early...and when told they were still in Georgia, changed his lie to say the inner workings had been removed without anyone noticing. By the way, the only reason anyone knows about this is because Raffensperger told Trump that he wouldn’t release the call to the public if Trump didn't say anything about it - so, of course, the Orange Overlord took to twitter, ran his mouth, and the Washington Post had one hell of an exclusive as a result

#dickheads of the month

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disaster-fruit · 4 years

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Feel free to ignore if you don’t feel like it’s appropriate, but how do you think Luciano dealt with being a dark skinned man back in colonial days up until the end of the empire? I doubt he was well accepted among the higher ranks and I was wondering how he coped with that.

it’s a completely valid question and I think about it when thinking about his character, but I tend to avoid talking about this. As you (maybe) know, I’m a white guy from a mostly white community, and only a few years ago I started to educate myself about racism and what it means to be black and white in the country that was in the past the largest modern slave society. I would hate to try to talk about this topic and just end up saying uninformed, ignorant bullshit, contributing to making this fandom an even worse space for people of color. I’m gonna try my best, but if I do end up saying something offensive or uninformed I’ll delete this post immediately and go further educate myself

Here are some thoughts, focusing mostly on the empire and the abolitionist movement, which is what i have read the most about:

during the colonial days, I think he was pretty much not involved with the higher ranks, and his position of being dark-skinned and a colony made him from the start have great sympathy and connection with the enslaved population compared with the white elite. Even if he himself was not a slave and had access to spaces they didn’t, their position was more similar than different.

I can also see him going to quilombos in secret and learning a lot from the people there. Capoeira, for example, was first developed in Palmares, so I can see him going there (and to other quilombos), learning it from the begging, and overall connecting and learning from these free people both in terms of culture (capoeira, music, stories, etc) and in terms of resisting oppression and thriving in adversity. Considering how important figures like Zumbi dos Palmares are in Brazil not just for the black population but in general, I think it’s safe to say Lu got to meet most of them in his life and truly admire and grow from them.

I think only when he stopped being a colony (1815) did he start to really be involved personally in the high ranks, and with the development of a white Brazilian elite (separate from the Portuguese elite), he started to be more influenced by them too. And as I’ve discussed before, when independence came, he was willing to ignore a lot of the worst aspects of the process, like it being declared by a Portuguese prince and especially, the worst aspect of independence that people don’t criticize enough, the continuation of slavery.

I think this pattern of him getting more involved in the higher ranks and avoiding thinking about slavery and racism continued throughout the empire. However, as a dark-skinned man, it’s not like he could just close his eyes, because though his position allowed him influence and presence on the palaces and the court life and the politics, I also don’t think the high ranks simply accepted him.

For example, I can see white senators pointing as his skin as proof that Brazil had too many black people, and how he couldn’t be trusted because he could turn on them at any moment (the Haitian revolution made the white elite and even the white lower class fear a revolution from the black population, enslaved and freed, considering they were the vast majority of the population), or to talk about the need for the immigration policies that had as a goal a whitening of the population. Him being present on these discussions and used as an argument against people who looked like him, who were an important part of him, and who he had spent the bigger part of his life with, obviously affected him on a personal level.

On the other hand, the later decades of the empire also had important figures like Machado de Assis and José do Patrocínio, considered the biggest writer of the country and the most famous lawyer of the empire, respectively. And they also no doubt had a great influence on him, as well as the abolitionist movement as a whole, which I like to think though he couldn’t openly support as a nation, as a person he was very sympathetic to it (i see him pretending to just be your average lawyer going to the abolitionist meetings under a fake name and always keeping a close eye to what was happening).

For most of the empire, he was mostly willing to accept slavery as a necessary thing, and again, just avoid thinking about it. However, everything changed after the Paraguayan War (me? bringing up the war in an empire post as a key point? what a shock). Perhaps the one definite silver lining of that war was how much it strengthened the abolitionist movement in Brazil, with most of the army that had truly developed during the war supporting it, and also with it resulting in thousands of black man being freed (all the slaves sent to fight in the war immediately received freedom if they survived, which most did), as well as white soldiers joining the movement. This also coincided chronologically with the rise of figures I mentioned on the last point.

So by the 1870s and 1880s he was fully supportive of abolition and less afraid to say that to the face of white slaveowners at the palaces when they would drag him to their racist conversations. He was also day after day more tired of this whole empire thing and his willingness to ignore the worst aspects of it was running dry.

However, by the time slavery was finally abolished, I again see him being very uncritical of its mistakes (the obvious one being that the abolition law gave no support to the freed population, no policies for them to access land and education, no efforts in integrating them into the economy, most having to remain working for their former owners or even losing any possible jobs to white immigrants that were sent here literally to replace them [btw just to make this very very clear this was not the fault of the poor goddamn immigrants that came here because their lives in Europe sucked, but of the government that had an actual official policy with that goal]).

In summary, I think the way he dealt with the tension of being a dark-skinned empire based on slavery under a white monarchy was, as it tends to be with him, contradictory and complicated. One big character flaw I see in him is this willingness to ignore hard truths, but in a way this was something he couldn’t completely ignore because he was always being reminded of it. Still, I think he ignored it to the whole extent in which he could, during the empire, until the war. After it, I think he really couldn’t anymore, as the abolitionist movement grew and men like Machado influenced him more and more.

Anyway, these are my thoughts on this, but again they are coming from a person who has never experienced racism in his life, so I truly apologize if anything I said was ignorant and offensive to any degree. I considered maybe not answering this, but tbh I can’t possibly say I study Brazilian history and want to write about Brazilian history if I avoid such a central topic to this history. I do hope this was coherent and good though. As always, everyone is welcomed to share their own thoughts.

#ask #hcs #tw racism

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wallywrites · 4 years

Text

colored-rain asked:

Hey! Can you do "dont leave" or "youre my everything" with wolfstar? Ty♡♡

Thanks for the request!! I love this idea already!! I love both these prompts too so why not use both! Sorry it took so long! Been super busy with uni assignments but here it is!

Prompt #21 “don’t leave” and prompt #39 “you’re my everything” from my prompt list! If you want to suggest any prompts check out my list here! :)

Initially I had this really angsty idea in mind since the last wolfstar fic I wrote (still haven’t finished that one oops) was super sad and angsty but after finishing three assignments in the last couple of days I just wanted some cute fluff so here’s my attempt at that! (Still a little angst though)

(Repost because my fic was long and Tumblr decided to delete my “keep reading” bar and won’t let me edit on my laptop because I posted it on my phone, and I HATE that I don’t have one so I’m reposting it so it doesn’t annoy me because I don’t know how to fix it)

Read on ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26232955

✨Wolfstar au✨

Full moons were always bad. But at least Remus didn’t have to spend them alone anymore. Even though he never really remembered what happens during the night, only flashes and glimpses of images through his nightmares, he knew that he was safe, that others would be safe, too. That Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs would make sure nothing bad could happen.

But they couldn’t stop the inevitable, and sometimes, like last night, things got a little too out of hand. The moon was bigger than usual, Remus was already feeling angsty and sore days before he was meant to shift, more intense than he usually does. He knew something big was coming, didn’t want to worry the others, should have worried the others.

Instead he pretended he was fine, until he wasn’t. Until he shifted and claws ripped at his skin and teeth bit at his friends, and then he was alone. The rest of the marauders didn’t even know how he managed to get away, spent the whole night looking for him, worried, Prongs still limping slightly from where Moony had latched his jaw into the others leg. Padfoot didn’t stop looking, didn’t stop running and sniffing and tracking, even when the others needed a break, even long after they decided to split up, to track more ground that way.

And then the sun began to rise, and the worry turned into fear. Remus had spent practically the whole full moon alone, and god knows what could have happened without the others there to distract him, to keep him from hurting himself or anyone else.

And then the scent of blood caused Sirius to stop dead in his tracks, his legs pushing himself harder and faster than he had pushed before, because blood was never a good sign, and the sun was practically up and Moony was alone and-

There he was. Lying cold, naked, shaking at the bottom of a ditch, more blood than Sirius had ever seen before. Sirius didn’t even realise that he had shifted back until he saw his hands, reaching out to gently pull Remus’ very cold very scarred very bloody body closer, pulling his own jacked off to drape it around his shoulders, trying to heat up his body. It was bad, so much worse than they’ve had before, nasty wounds drawn long across his chest and stomach, another smaller one across his forehead.

And he couldn’t help but think that this was all his fault. If he didn’t loose Remus, if he had been paying attention, if he had realised how big the moon was earlier and how bad it was going to get-

He didn’t remember making his way back to the castle, Remus floating above him from the levitation spell he must have used. Didn’t remember when he found the other Marauders either, didn’t remember waiting and waiting and waiting for Madame Pomfrey to finish healing their friend.

He did however remember the fear that Madame Pomfrey let into her expressions the brief moment before she moved Remus to a hospital bed and started the healing.

Everything happened in a blur, until he snapped out of the daze he was in, his eyes fixated on Remus, lying cold and still in the hospital bed. He hadn’t even realised he was crying until he glanced down, noticing his forearm covered in tears.

“-Pads?”

He looked up for the first time, blinking a couple of times as he looked towards James, who stood, eyebrows furrowed, hand resting on Sirius’ shoulder - when did that get there?

“You alright? You spaced out?”

“Sorry, what did you say?”

“I asked what happened? You kind of haven’t spoken since we found you two”

A sigh escaped Sirius as he looked back towards Remus, watching his chest rise and fall, the only thing keeping him from completely falling apart. He tried to think, of what actually happened, but his mind kept wandering, jumping from moment to moment, nothing making any sense. He groaned out as he closed his eyes, rubbing his hand down his face. James waited patiently, not really understanding what was happening, but he knew Sirius, he knew how he acted when they had a particular bad moon, knew that stress and worry can cause his brain to get a little muddled. The same thing happened when Sirius first moved in with the Potters, and James was more observant than he would admit.

And so he drew his hand back and waited as Sirius sighed again, leaning back in his seat, his eyes still trained on Remus.

“It’s all messy, I don’t know, I just..” the image of Remus’ body lying in the ditch came back into Sirius’ mind, causing a shiver to run through him. Out of all the memories and thoughts and images, that was the only one he really could make out, the one he really didn’t want to remember.

Because it hurt. It hurt more than he thought it would, more than he would ever admit. And he didn’t know why. Of course he cares about Remus, he’s cared and worried and stressed about him the day they met, even more the day he found out what happens on a full moon. Remus was one of his best friends, so it makes sense that he was worried, that he was concerned and upset. But it didn’t explain the strange feeling he was getting in his chest, his stomach, his gut. Didn’t explain why his head hurt and his legs couldn’t stop moving and his mind couldn’t stop racing and he couldn’t stop thinking all the worst things he could possibly be thinking and Merlin what if it’s too late and what if he doesn’t make it and what if he never knows how much he means to me and how much I need him and that I love him and-

Sirius physically flinched at the realisation, the words hitting him as hard as he hit the wall he accidentally flew into one day at practice.

“Pads? What is it?” James asked, moving closer as Sirius’ whole body began to shake. He loved Remus. He was in love with Remus fucking Lupin and oh god it made so much sense, so much that he didn’t know how he couldn’t see it before. He was always wanting to be close to Remus, wanting to hear his voice and make him smile and god he was handsome, and sure, he always wondered what it would feel like to hold him and kiss him, and now he knew why.

He started crying again, couldn’t tell when it started, and when he looked to James, the tears kept coming, because he loved Remus, and Remus was hurt, and he was cold and he was bleeding and scarred and Sirius wanted to hold him and tell him it’s going to be okay and tell him that he loves him and what if he doesn’t wake up? What if it’s too late?

“I think love him, James. And I didn’t realise until I saw him- until he.. what if I never get the chance to tell him?”

James was shocked to say the least. Love was a strange topic to Sirius. Sure, he loved a lot of things, in his own way. He loved his friends, loved the Potters, he loved quidditch and pissing Severus off. But love was hard for Sirius, they had his parents to thank for that. It took time for Sirius to even admit that he deeply cared about the other marauders. It was such a foreign concept to Sirius that often times he doesn’t know how he felt, or wouldn’t believe that someone could love him, that he could love someone.

Love was hard for Sirius. But to be in love with someone? James often worried that it would never happen, not because he’s not capable of it, but because he believed Sirius would ignore it, wouldn’t let him feel those things, would push those feelings far away until he forgot about them.

But instead of asking questions and fussing over Sirius being in love, Sirius being in love with a boy, Sirius being in love with Remus, he shook his head, knowing exactly what Sirius is thinking, exactly what he would be freaking out about.

“No, stop that. He’s going to wake up, and then you can tell him how much you love him, okay?”

James had time to question Sirius later, but now he needed to be there for his friend, his brother. Because he knew love, and he knew loss, and he knew Sirius, and he knew he needed to help, to calm him down.

“He’s hurt real bad James-“ he could hear the hurt, the pain in Sirius’ voice, and wondered how he never noticed before, how he always seemed to get worked up and upset whenever they had a particularly bad moon, more so than the others, even when they know he’s safe and going to be okay.

“He’s always hurt bad, and then he wakes up and then he’s fine. He’s going to be okay. Come on, Sirius he’s stronger than all of us combined.” It wasn’t a lie. The moment they found out about Remus’ lycanthropy, James knew he was stronger than anyone he had met, than all of them.

Sirius still wasn’t convinced. They had never had one this bad, and he still couldn’t shake the image out of his head. James watched for a moment as Sirius looked back towards Remus, still asleep, chest rising and falling, shallow but steady, thanks to the professor. She always knew what to do, how to heal Remus, make sure he got better, and they were beyond thankful for that. She even let them stay by his side until he woke up, not that they were technically allowed. Never questioned them either, though they all know she must wonder how the three of them manage to find and bring Remus back after a full moon. She had her guesses, of course, but never questioned them on it, which they were thankful for.

And she always made him better, they knew that, this was no different, but then Sirius started to shake again, because he was so pale, and he was cold and hurt and his skin was already starting to bruise up around the scars and the scars, Merlin the scars were so big and-

James noticed that Sirius started to spiral again, could see the way his brows furrowed and his eyes turned glossy due to more tears threatening to spill. He knew that his mind ad started to race again, so he placed his hand back on his brothers shoulder, and spoke as softly as he could, as calm as he ever had.

“Hey, you’ll get your chance to tell him. I promise you.”

Sirius took a deep breath, calming down slightly, but his legs still bounced under him. And James watched as he just sat, eyes never leaving Remus’ body. Sirius didn’t speak, instead lent forward in his chair, his elbows resting on the bed, next to where Remus laid. And they stayed like that for a while, James’ hand resting on Sirius’ shoulder, his eyes moving between two of his best friends, both broken and hurt and exhausted in different ways. Sirius leaning on the hospital bed, eyes never pulling away from the rise and fall of Remus’ chest, scared that if he looked away, the breathing would stop.

And James knew what he had to do, what Sirius had to do. He didn’t want to leave, but he knew Sirius needed time to think, needed time to just be with Remus, so he moved closer, giving Sirius’ shoulder a small squeeze as he spoke.

“Hey.. I’m gonna give you guys some room, maybe you can think about what you’re going to say when he wakes up?”

Sirius just nodded, a good sign that he wasn’t completely stuck in his head. James pulled back to leave, but he paused, looking back towards Sirius, unmoved, legs still bouncing and body still shaking.

“Hey, uh.. thanks for telling me. You know you can always trust me with that stuff, right?”

Sirius turned his eyes away from Remus for the first time, his eyes finding James, as he nodded, a small smile making it’s way onto his face. Sirius was truly grateful for James, who always let him be himself, who he trusted with everything. “I know.”

“And after this I’m gonna have a hell of a lot of questions to ask you-“

Sirius couldn’t help the chuckle that left him, shaking his head slightly at his friend. “Yeah, yeah I know. I’ll answer all your questions.”

Sirius knew he would have to tell James everything after this, explain everything, including what he still didn’t quite know or understand yet. And if he wasn’t so shaken up or upset still, he might even had been excited to talk to James about it, to laugh with him as they realise how ridiculous he had been, never realising what his feelings had meant. Might’ve even been excited to gossip like normal teenagers do, about Remus and Lily and the absurd amount of pining they’re bound to endure.

James just smiled, nodding his head, before pausing for a moment. And the smile never faltered when he spoke.

“I’m proud of you, you know.”

Those words meant more to Sirius than any words he’s ever heard before. Any time James, or the Potters, or Remus or Peter would tell him that they’re proud, his body would heat up, warmth running through his chest and to his stomach. He didn’t even realise how different this conversation would have been if it was with anyone else, because admittedly he had just come out to his best friend, something that he knows isn’t very accepted, couldn’t even imagine the reaction his parents would have to the idea of their son being in love with a boy, but he was happy that he felt safe enough to do that here. Because James really was his family, really meant a lot to him. And he couldn’t help the smile that made its way to his face at his brothers words.

“Thanks prongs.”

“Give Moons a kiss for me.”

And then James was gone, and Sirius was back to staring at Remus. A long sign escaped him, one he didn’t realise he had been holding, didn’t realise it needed to get out. He reached out, leaning his elbows back where they were, but he paused, his eye drifting to Remus’ hand, lying by his body. Sirius had always wondered what it would feel like to hold his hand. He thought it was ridiculous, that he sounded so sappy, but he didn’t try to stop himself as he reached out, tangling his fingers with Remus’, who was still cold, sending a shiver up Sirius’ arm.

He pulled Remus’ arm towards him gently, placing a kiss on the back of his hand, before resting both arms back down onto the bed, his thumb rubbing over were his lips had touched.

And he sat, and he thought, about what he was going to say. God what was he going to say? And how was he going to say it? What would Remus say? Would he even be okay with it?

He couldn’t imagine Remus ever hating him over the fact that he loved him. Remus probably wouldn’t care that Sirius liked boys either, but would he love him back? Did he love him back? And then Sirius started to panic, because what if he doesn’t? What even would I say? How am I meant to tell Remus that I’m in love with him, and the thought of him gone makes me want to die? That I want to be with him forever, and that I hate when we’re apart, and Christ what am I going to say?

But then he paused, and the worry flooded back to him. He didn’t care what he was going to say, as long as he got to say it. As long as Remus was okay. And he let his eyes wander back over his body, and he could already feel the tears. And then suddenly, the quiet was too much, too suffocating, so he closed his eyes, taking a deep breath, before he spoke, spilling out all his feelings as best as he could.

“I’m so sorry, Moons. Christ, please be okay. Please wake up Moony..” he spoke, hoping that he could make some sense of what he was feeling. He opened his eyes, focusing on their hands together, before taking a deep breath and continuing.

“I’m so sorry I never told you, that I love you.. I didn’t know.. I didn’t realise I loved you.. I always knew I felt differently about you, but I didn’t.. I was scared, Moons, of a lot of things, but.. seeing you like this.. I can’t imagine never being able to tell you how I feel..”

His eyes were closed again, and he really didn’t want to cry more, so he took another deep breath, his chest shaking, his legs shaking, his hands shaking, and he focused on Remus’ hand within his own. The feeling of their fingers being wrapped up together, the heat from his own body warming up Remus’, which calmed him down. Because he wanted Remus to be warm, to be safe and healthy and okay. He wanted Remus to be okay, because he needed Remus. He needed Remus more than he thought he would ever need anyone.

“Merlin, you’re my everything, Remus. I need you, please wake up.”

And Sirius didn’t know when he realised that Remus was awake, staring at him, tears in his eyes. He didn’t even realise he was staring back, shocked, confused, concerned, until Remus squeezed at his hand, bringing him back from whatever frozen state he was in.

“Merlin Remus” he said simply, dropping down as close to Remus as he could without hurting his wounds, wrapping his arms around his shoulders at an uncomfortable angle to hug him. He didn’t care, Remus was awake, he was okay.. and he might have heard the confession Sirius had made.. and he knows, god he knows.

Sirius didn’t want to pull away, one because he loved the feeling of Remus’ arms wrapped around his back, but also because then Remus would see how red his face is, and then he’d have to face the fact that he unknowingly and unintentionally confessed his feelings to his best friend.

And Sirius’ mind was rambling, trying to think of what to say, or what to do, a million thoughts rushing through his head and around his skull. He was going to get a headache later, already felt it coming along, but he couldn’t possibly worry about that with his heart pounding so loudly in his chest against his rib cage, Moony pressed so closely to his body.

And then Remus’ breath on his ear caused him to freeze, suddenly every thought and sound whirling around in his skull gone as he listened.

“I love you too, Pads.”

Sirius didn’t mean to pull away as fast as he did, but as soon as he saw the calm look on Remus’ face, the sparkle in his eye, he instantly relaxed, even let out a small laugh, eyebrows furrowing together, causing Remus’ smile to grow.

“So you heard all of that?”

Remus laughed out, winching slightly, but his smile never faulted. “Bits and pieces. But I got the gist of it.”

Sirius placed his hands on either side of Remus’ face, careful not to touch any of his healing wounds, and he couldn’t help but smile, warmth pooling throughout his body, because he was holding Remus, and Remus was holding him, and he loved Remus, and Remus loved him.

“I was so scared, Moons.”

“I know, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

Sirius chuckled at that, shaking his head. Only Remus would apologise for something that he had no control over. The other marauders have had to tell Remus to stop saying he was sorry on multiple occasions, had explained to him they they know it’s not his fault, that they don’t blame him for anything, would never blame him for anything. That they’re scared and worried because they care, that it’s not his fault. Remus tired to believe them, but the words “I’m sorry” just seemed to slip off his tongue so naturally that he could never really help it.

“No, don’t be sorry. You don’t have to be sorry.”

And he meant it. He didn’t want Remus to ever feel like he had to be sorry, like he was doing something wrong. Because he wasn’t. Sirius thought that Remus shouldn’t ever apologise for anything, because really there isn’t anything Remus could do that would make Sirius want an apology.

They didn’t move, didn’t speak for a while, instead all they did was look to each other. Sirius couldn’t really tell what he was feeling, nor did he completely understand Remus’ expression, but he didn’t want to ask, wanted to just stare a little longer. So he let his eyes move over his face, leaving his eyes and moving across his scars and freckles, and down to his lips. Christ Sirius wanted to kiss him. To finally find out what Remus’ lips would feel like against his own. And it seemed like Remus was reading his mind when he spoke.

“Merlin, Sirius just kiss me already-“

And that’s all Sirius needed before he pushed himself closer, his hands holding Remus’ face as he kissed him. Remus’ arms tightened around Sirius’ back, and Sirius could feel him smile as he kissed him, leaning his body closer, wanting to be closer and closer and closer.

He ran his tongue over Remus’ bottom lip, which Remus returned with a moan, letting him in almost instantly as Sirius’ hands moved up to tangle themselves in his hair. A part of Remus thought he was still dreaming, that this wasn’t happening, that Sirius wasn’t here, kissing him, tugging at his hair, but then Sirius would moan, reminding Remus that this was very much real, that this was very much happening. That just made him want to squeal.

But they were both exhausted, so it wasn’t long before they pulled apart, not really wanting to, but knowing that they probably should. That they would have time to do more of that later.

The two of them couldn’t help but laugh, Sirius leaning his forehead on Remus’, a sigh of relief leaving both of them, a sign that both boys had wanted this for a while, despite Sirius only realising it moments before. Remus shook his head slightly, his smile never fading as he spoke.

“You wouldn’t believe how long I’ve waited for that.”

Sirius felt warm, his whole body tingling at the idea of Remus wanting to kiss Sirius, of Remus waiting for the moment. That thought made Sirius’ face blush red, his cheeks beginning to ache from the grin he didn’t notice having, which refused to leave his expression.

Sirius wanted to be closer to Remus, to hold him and kiss him, the thought itself getting him excited, but as he pulled away slightly, Remus froze, his grip around Sirius’ back tightening as he closed his eyes.

“Don’t-, don’t leave, please.”

Sirius couldn’t help but chuckle, leaving being the last thing on his mind. So he lent down again, catching Remus’ lips in another kiss before pulling back slightly, not as far as before. He pushed himself up onto the bed, Remus moving slightly to the side as he helped Sirius under the covers. Sirius laid down, his arms wrapping around Remus, whose body was now warm, pulling his body into his own. Remus sighed out again, his body shaking slightly as Sirius placed a kiss to his forehead, closing his own eyes before speaking.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

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