#the worst part is the deja vu i get when the news does cover what i dream- i thought this shit of foreaight would be gone by now | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

heyyyharry · 3 years

Text

Happier

(inspired by happier by Olivia Rodrigo)

Word count: 2.4k

I'm selfish, I know, I can't let you go So find someone great, but don't find no one better I hope you're happy, but don't be happier

Part 1: Drivers License

Part 2: Deja Vu

A/N: I edited the original lyrics to match the POV :)

Harry had come up with a thousand scenarios of how this day would play out. Actually, he’d been thinking of this day since the moment he’d received the news. He didn’t dare to hope that she’d say yes to coming back for a sequel. He’d been sure that they would write her character off, give a lame excuse for how his love interest could not make a return and make his character forget about her completely to move on with a new girl in town. It would have been great if it was that easy in real life. Once someone was written off the script, they were gone for good. Real-life relationships were not that simple. Goodbye didn’t mean ‘never see you again’. You would still share the same friend circle and social bubbles, and it was worse when you two worked in the same industry. Harry didn’t know how he’d lasted a year without running into her, not since the Grammys.

“Didn’t you two date?”

“No.” Harry shook his head, but his eyes stayed glued on Y/N from across the room. She wasn’t looking his way, too busy saying hello to everyone else. “No,” he repeated, more to himself than to his co-star. “We didn’t.”

“But she wrote an entire album about you,” said the other twin. What was her name again? Lulu?

“Luna!” cried her sister, Lex. “You can’t ask him that!”

“No, it’s okay,” Harry said with a tight smile, slightly annoyed by the blonde twins, but he didn’t want to seem like an ass on the first day of filming. “And I don’t know if it was for me. You should ask Y/N.”

“Ask me what?”

Harry flinched when he looked up and saw Y/N padding towards them. She hugged the twins, who seemed way too excited. Harry guessed they were Y/N’s fans. They gave off crazy fangirl vibes, probably just pretending not to know the drama to interrogate him. He couldn’t blame them for assuming he was the villain and definitely could not blame Y/N for portraying him as one. It was more important that he knew who he was and how much he had changed since his last relationship. Maybe they could finally be friends.

“Were they bothering you?” Y/N asked him once the twins had left.

Harry nodded. “They’re your friends?”

“Oh, I met them last year on tour. I’m surprised you don’t know them. They were on Disney.”

“I don’t watch Disney,” Harry admitted with a smile. “Well, not today’s Disney.”

“Understandable.” Y/N nodded and bit her lip. She seemed guarded with her straight back and hands hidden behind her. She eyed him up and down, quite subtle yet noticeable. “How have you been?”

“Pretty good,” he said, nodding slowly. “You?”

“Yeah, but mostly tired because of tour.”

“You’re done?”

“Yup, last night was the last show.”

“Nice.”

Y/N raised an eyebrow. “Nice?”

Harry blinked. “Did I say something wrong?”

“No.” Y/N giggled. “You still sound very...you.”

“Well, shouldn’t I?”

“Yeah, you should. But it’s been a year so…I mean, you haven’t changed much.”

“Right,” he said lowly, his eyes falling to his feet. Harry supposed he should say something else, perhaps bringing up another random topic to discuss, but all he could think about was what had happened between them. Things had been messy, hadn’t they? How could they go back to before that? Before her first song about him. Before he’d chosen someone else over her.

Or he could talk about her new relationship. She’d been in a happy relationship for almost six months, right? No wait, hadn’t they broke up two weeks ago? He wasn’t sure because he hadn’t been catching up. If they’d broken up, he’d sound like an ass to even mention her ex’s name. He should just stay quiet.

“I’ll see you later?” she said, gesturing at her stylist who was waiting by the door.

Harry could ask her right now -- the reason she’d agreed to film the sequel to their first movie together. He’d heard from a very reliable source that she’d specifically asked her agent to decline any project that he was in. So did this mean they were good? That she didn’t hate him anymore? He could have gathered his courage and got the answer right then…

“Yeah, see you.”

...but he didn’t.

And so she gave him a smile and a little wave, then happily returned to her stylist.

“See you tomorrow, Y/N!”

“See you, Annie!” Y/N said as she put the rest of her things into her tote bag. Her new driver had got her schedule mixed up, and so she had to wait here for another half an hour. She was in no rush. It had been a light first day, and she’d had a fun time getting to know the new cast members and catching up with old friends.

She sat on the sofa in the lobby, legs crossed, texting her best friend about her day. She’d purposely left out the short off-screen conversation with Harry, and her best friend didn’t even bother to ask. In their world, he didn’t exist, and his name was censored in every conversation like a curse word that was even worse than ‘cunt’. Nevertheless, she didn’t hate him anymore. She was doing just fine on her own, being busy with her career, and she’d been in a happy relationship after her fall out with him.

She and the guy, a model, had broken up two weeks ago due to long distance and some differences that they could not change. They had ended on good terms and decided to stay friends. They said you could only stay friends with your ex when you still had feelings for each other, or you had never loved each other that much in the first place. For her, it was probably the latter. Her previous relationship had been more platonic than romantic, apparently. So she had nothing but the best to say about him.

As she was going through her camera roll, just reminiscing about the past, she heard footsteps approaching and looked up to find Harry. He offered a smile and gestured to the spot beside her on the sofa. “May I sit here? My ride is late.”

“Yeah, sure.” She hurriedly scooted over.

“Good job today,” he said. “You were great.”

“Thanks, so were you.” She smiled, and they both looked away at the same time. This was so awkward. She hated small talk. She’d never had to have small talk with Harry. Conversations with him used to be so easy and natural and silly. Whatever this was, it wasn’t them.

“Can we just be normal?”

At first, Y/N thought she’d been the one who’d said it, so when she realised it’d been Harry, she was speechless.

He swallowed and sat a bit straighter, still not looking at her. “I don’t want us to be weird and awkward.”

“Okay,” she said.

He cleared his throat. “Wanna try again?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Okay, not to sound like an ass but when Joey kept forgetting his lines, I was so pissed off, I could throw a chair at the wall.”

“Right?!” exclaimed Y/N, feeling free to have finally broken out of her shell. “Like, he doesn’t even have many lines. I know he’s new but damn...you can’t get far if you don’t learn your goddamn lines.”

Harry shook with laughter. “Oh God, we sound like dicks, don’t we?”

“Maybe.” Y/N laughed, covering her mouth. “But you know what? We can’t be nice in this industry. It’s impossible.”

“Shhh, if someone heard this, we would be into big trouble.”

“Oh please, I’ve had worse articles written about me than ‘Y/N speaks facts about her lazy co-star’.”

Harry tossed his head back and cackled. “The worst one I’ve got this week was ‘Harry Styles hates therapists.’”

“What?!” Y/N gasped. “No way! That’s so stupid!”

“Right?” Harry rolled his eyes. “I could get all my therapists to speak up for me but I’m kinda immune to bullshit now.”

“Therapists? Like plural?”

“Yeah, one in every city.”

“Damn.”

“Yeah.”

Y/N rubbed her hands onto her legs. “Rough year?”

Harry’s eyes rolled to the back of his head as he leaned back. “You have no idea.” Then he swept his hair out of his eyes, sucked in a breath, and finally looked at her. “I wish I could have talked to you, though.”

She bit her tongue, knowing what she was about to say next would disappoint her best friend so much, but she had to. “So do I.”

Harry looked taken aback before his lips curled into a smile. “It’s silly, isn’t it? I haven’t talked to you in a year, and I feel like I know everything that’s happened to you except that I don’t.”

What he’d just said might make no sense for most people, but Y/N knew exactly what he meant. She nodded and wetted her lip. “You only know as much as everyone else does.”

“Yeah, I got updates on you from the news and our friends.”

“Same.” Y/N smiled back. “I hate how they write articles about your new haircut but not mine.”

“I like your new hair colour.”

“Thanks. I like your new car.”

Then they both burst out laughing. It was fun and also a little bit strange that Y/N didn’t feel the same anxiety talking to him as she used to. It must be because they had grown and were now meeting again as better people.

“Damn, my ride's here,” Y/N said as she read the text from her driver. “I gotta go now.”

“Oh, okay.” Harry stood up and followed Y/N to the entrance. “Hey, just wondering--”

“Yeah?”

“Am I...am I still blocked?” He looked a bit flustered as she tilted her head and squinted her eyes. “On your phone. Because I remember you having my number blocked--”

“I unblocked you on your birthday.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah.” Y/N shrugged. “I should’ve sent you a happy birthday text but...I didn’t want your girlfriend to get the wrong ideas.”

“My ex.”

“Yeah, I know.”

They smiled at each other one last time before saying goodbye. Y/N knew it was silly, but she was hoping he would go after her.

Ding.

A notification popped up when she was in the car. She was almost home, and it was from Harry’s number. He’d sent her a link with a message that said, “Hope you like it :)”.

Curious, she tapped on it and was directed to an audio file titled ‘Track 5’. The upload date was last year. About two weeks after their short conversation at the Grammys.

Hurriedly, she fumbled inside her bag for her iPods and put it on before she pressed play.

“Hey, Jeff, I couldn’t sleep so I wrote this song. Listen and let me know if it should go on the album.”

Then came the piano intro. It sounded good, so Y/N wondered how it hadn’t ended up on his last album.

But when he started to sing...

We ended a while ago Your friends are mine, you know, I know You've moved on, found someone new One more guy who brings out the better in you

And I thought my heart was detached From all the sunlight of our past But he’s so nice, he’s so funny Does he mean you forgot about me?

Oh, I hope you're happy But not like how you were with me I'm selfish, I know, I can't let you go So find someone great, but don't find no one better I hope you're happy, but don't be happier

And does he tell you you’re the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen? An eternal love bullshit he might not even mean Remember when you were with me I meant it when you heard it first from me

And now I'm pickin' him apart Like cuttin' him down will make you miss my wretched heart But he’s charming, he looks kind He probably gives you butterflies

I hope you're happy But not like how you were with me I'm selfish, I know, I can't let you go So find someone great, but don't find no one better

I hope you're happy I wish you all the best, really Say you love him, baby Just not like you loved me And think of me fondly when your hands are on him I hope you're happy, but don't be happier

The song was for her. He’d written it when her new relationship had gone public. Y/N sat there, staring blankly ahead until the honking of a car tore open her inner peace, and reality came crashing back in. The driver dropped her off at her house. Instead of going inside, she stood on her front steps and replayed the song one more time. When it ended, she decided to text him: Why didn’t this make it to the album?

She didn’t know where he was now, but it showed ‘typing’ in less than a second, as if he’d been waiting in their chat since he’d sent that link.

You would’ve hated me, Y/N.

True, she replied. Still, I would’ve loved the song lowkey. And added, I love it btw.

He took so long to type that it was driving her crazy. She flopped down on the concrete stair with her phone clutched in her hands, her heart thundering against her ribcage. Anxiety popped like a balloon when his message appeared: Were you happier?

She reread it again and again.

No.

I wasn’t either, he responded. I kept getting deja vu.

Ha, nice reference.

That song is my guilty pleasure. Love listening to you roasting me on loop.

That last message made Y/N bury her face into her palm and giggle like a fool. She thought for a second and wrote: I could come roast you in person now if that’s what you prefer. I think we’ve never had a proper roasting.

Can we meet, Y/N? Or are you busy now?

No, not busy.

Great, I’ll pick you up.

Just tell me where, she responded with a smile on her face. I got my drivers license now :)

#harry styles #harry styles fanfic #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles writing #harry styles fluff #harry styles imagine #harry styles imagines #harry styles angst #harry styles one shot #harry styles x you #harry styles x y/n #harry styles x reader #harry styles fic

441 notes · View notes

rosyk · 3 years

Text

Deja vu

pairing: bang chan x reader, (a bit of han jisung x reader)

genre: heavy angst, passion, romance, one-sided love, bestfriends, long distance relationship

warnings: light curses, death, depression, mentions of alcohol and drugs, family problems, mentions of forced sexual activity, insecurities, anxiety, etc. (Its quite detailed in the first part and could trigger some people in these type and if you are one of them, I advice you not to read. It can really be uncomfortable on the first part)

word count: 11.5k

inspiration: Before We Knew It ch. 36-38 (webtoon), White Flowers- Olivia Rodrigo (unreleased song)

a/n: This is the least fic I loved but I had to continue it to start a new one and i won’t ever write things as long as this (it’s hard) lol. I don’t know who’ll ever read this long and cringey story but I hope it’s worth your time (?)

If I were to describe a man I’d love to marry someday, it would be someone tall, doesn’t openly show their true feelings towards me, and leads me in life. However, you were the exact opposite of it.

I didn’t even know when and why I fell in love with you. Was it at first sight? No. Was it because someone told me about my indistinguishable feelings for you? No. It was like how love was portrayed in novels and books. I just knew it. Instead of leading my life, you made me, myself, want to lead and search for my future. After you happily talked about your passion for music, you made me feel as if you were the right one. It made me think, “Maybe I do want to be with him until the end of life”. I believe something great would occur and I want to be there when that happens. When the music he produces, raps he created, genres he invented, and when his voice reaches the world, I want to be on his side and be proud I was able to witness all of that. You were everything in times I was the “nothing”.

I truly wished to be a singer right from the start. My dream was unaccepted by my family because the job isn’t as stable as it seems. I had to study medicine since then. Therefore seeing you was like seeing how I could’ve been. I stopped my passion but you made me pursue the unpursued, break off the imaginary limits I had created in my mind. I developed a fear of having to try again. I never sang after years and tried to let go of my past. But you? You lifted me away from the cage of darkness I trapped myself in. My anxiety was too deep to the point I was afraid of people, nightmares, thoughts, happiness, living, being alone, home, and simply just everything.

Even I was scared of myself.

Then I knew this is the worst a person could be. It isn’t when someone takes drugs, drinks alcohol, or flees away from home. It is when he or she no longer wants to take a step forward. I was frightened by the idea of love but also the idea of being alone. I was terrified to open up when the people closest to me never understood but was scared when I keep everything to myself too much up until I’m tired. I feared death the most, how much more if I was living? I remember cutting myself in bed when I overheard my parents fighting because of my presence. I was shaking, desperately trying to suppress my weeping. Was I sad because I didn’t have good childhood memories I could reminisce? Or was I happy for myself because that was the bravest thing I did? I was too young to understand what I truly felt but I didn’t regret a single thing.

I know the difference between wrong and right but why can’t I tell when it comes to situations that involve me? Is it wrong to think it would’ve been best if I was sleeping forever, in a depth of endless time even though I know I should live for a purpose I couldn’t find or for people who don’t care? But is it also right to live and hope miserably someone out there would find and help me even though it means staying and coping with the pain? Whenever I make a decision, I could hear trapped voices rambling in my head, time ticking as fast as my heartbeat, my soul pressuring me, and my mind that creates negative scenarios which cause me to step back before even having the chance to run. In general, I’ve had to overthink my overthinking.

I also have the habit of blaming myself. As deeper as it goes, it became my lifestyle then. I blamed myself for playing the victim as if I was the only one hurting amidst the world. I blamed myself for crying when I had no right because I gave people terrible occurrences. I blamed myself for the inability to be brave and commit what I feared the most. I also blamed myself for silently not crying loud enough to the point that my facade turned out stronger.

Looking back, I was a total mess in which I couldn’t even call myself human. My only best friends were the mirror and my own shadow. I was 10 so I appreciated how the mirror felt the same feelings as mine. It doesn’t laugh when I cry even though the creatures surrounding me do. But for the same reason, I hated it. It reflects my despair, how horrible I looked causing me to despise it the most. My shadow on the other hand makes me feel I’m not alone at the end of the day. But I also despised it the moment my mom locked me up in my room, isolating me in darkness to forget all the traumas I had given her. Because even the shadow disappears in my darkest hours. And just like friends, it all just ended. I no longer want to feel love if love was meant to hurt.

Years of living in hell passed by, until you came.

“You okay?”

I was crying at the staircase in the nearest tunnel found at school. I was a 16-year-old who tried to break away from my dad’s drunken behavior. Running away was another brave thing I did but it was because the thought of him doing me was scary enough.

It was embarrassing to let you see me like this but surprise was the first reaction I had. No one ever dared to approach me because of my low status and the suspicious silence that I give. Questions filled my head as to why you bothered talking to me. Were the rumors unbelievable enough?

“I am new here but I haven’t seen you a lot in school. Are you the same as I am?”

So he’s a transferee. Honestly speaking, I was discouraged. It’s clear that he would slowly stop approaching me as soon as he knew the rumors. You introduced yourself and asked for my name. I gave you a silent treatment causing you to face my direction. We stared at each other for minutes. You finally gave up and sat beside me as I turned my gaze back at the people playing in the park, sighing heavily.

“Would you like to hear my life?” You look at me, expecting something. I turned back at you, both eyebrows raised. You showed your smile, with those little cute dimples on each side to get away from the awkward atmosphere. Trust me when I tell you that was the brightest thing I’ve ever seen in my whole life. Maybe you did show me the colors I didn’t know I needed in my life.

“Oh… I guess you don’t then? I mean why would you be interested right?” You laughed yourself off but as usual, expected some remarks from me. My eyes panicked as I shook my head quickly from side to side. My eyebrows creased as I bit my lip, hoping you understood what I meant.

“So you do want to hear it?” I shook my head up and down as an approval of your question. Unnoticeably, it was the first time I felt eager especially when it comes to humans.

“Isn’t it annoying though?” I got the hint you wanted to tease me considering your giggles but I was too caught up in assumptions that you wouldn’t continue your storytelling. Thus, I did the same thing, turning my head from side to side, trying to convince you that I desperately want to know what happens in the lives of some.

“Cute” you mumbled to yourself but I was able to hear the word that came out from you. You patted my head casually as you started to talk about your life. I grew slightly embarrassed, curling myself, holding my knees, and acted as if I didn’t hear anything.

You were transparently open in talking to the point that I finally knew what “precious” actually meant. Although it was for a moment I knew it would stop soon, you definitely saved me from all I felt.

There I knew how our lives were exact opposites. If I felt everything, the happiness, and sadness, contrasting feelings I couldn’t comprehend, you on the other hand felt nothing. As soon as your dearest brother got into an accident, you didn’t know what to do. If I had abusive and malicious parents, you had no one to be with. I couldn’t even imagine what would happen If I lived your life.

I knew I was bad for thinking of such a way but I took advantage of your life. It made me feel relieved that there were people who faced the worst monsters than I have inside me. It made me look at the positive side of mines.

Much especially when I didn’t expect it would be you. My first impression of you was this carefree pure guy who had no problems in living his life. Little did I know, you were waking up feeling nothing, smiling with no joy, cries without letting out the pain, and laughs despite the numbness and burden that weighs in your heart. I guess we can’t judge people by the way they appear. We never know how much tears they’ve shed every night.

You summarized and wrapped things up. You asked for my name one last time before leaving. But there I was, hung my head low and sniffles could be heard. You looked in confusion as I tried to cover my face. A surprise was evident in your reaction and it was obvious due to your stuttering. You tried to ask what happened but instead hugged me unconsciously.

That was the first time I’ve ever felt warmth. I was born a mistake so even my parents couldn’t give me this kind of comfort. I cried worse as I had thought of it. The idea of a stranger giving me a better meaning of how home felt like than a family does, who wouldn’t tear up after that?

I don’t want to be ahead of time. But hope filled my mind. Maybe I could find more people like him. Maybe someone out there could notice my emotions. Maybe someone could act as my light. Maybe someone does care about my wellbeing. Out of a huge percentage of people living on Earth, there should be one who could at least meet and save me right? I know I settled in all “maybes” but it was much better than having none.

Recalling the series of events, I was a total problem. Yet you were always there for me no matter how heavy of a burden I am. You were the one who believed in me when I couldn’t, picked me up when I was drowning in a wave of traumas and worries, and lightened my deep void. You were my first and swore you’ll be my last, who broke my past and created my unknown beginning. I hated risks but whenever you are involved, I for sure know it is worth it no matter how many needles it may pain me. It had been years before noticing how much you mean to me I may be late, but would never get tired of this. I will listen and enjoy our memories until the end. You will, for eternal love, be my last song in my only playlist.

Although it’s true we never believed in love since the beginning. But all we do know is that we’d like to spend our whole lives together. It’s as if we were bound by the heavens to meet and help one another. With all that’s happening, I would like to assume that this is love people were talking about. Who knew it could be this powerful to change someone?

[CHAN’S POV]

And what happened to the “messy innocent girl who was stained by reality?” She became an unrecognizable teen, as pure as ever. In the past, I wasn’t able to feel the emotions most do but look at me now, smiling every time I see you do. Even though I’ve never felt heavy feelings, these light ones are taking a toll on me whenever you call my name.

We had arguments but never had any misunderstandings. This is all because no matter what I say, you are always by my side. I could tell you day by day how much you mean the world to me, my downfalls, and everything unnecessary but you’d still listen to it with no regrets.

Right now, we’re meeting up for a “little date” as you mentioned. I was going to decline because there had been many requirements in class but you seemed too interested that I didn’t want to break it to you.

I was wearing my usual hoodie sweater with baggy pants and ordered for both of us. After all, you would always choose chocolate whipped shakes over anything. You seemed to take too long so I decided to work on some demands given. I turned on my laptop and opened the application as I placed the headphones on my ear, silencing the noise in my surroundings.

Now all I can hear is my heartbeat pounding and swallowing as my throat started to dry. The loading symbol appeared on my screen and I hoped it would stay like that forever. I hoped it would crash and tried to find more excuses for me not to use it.

I was consistently looking at the time shown on the panel below the main screen. The blue circular sign still turns and turns as I see it from my peripheral vision. 3:31, 3:32, 3:33, the minutes kept moving and hands that are now shaking because I assumed this would be the worst nightmare that could happen. But no, cause “worst nightmare” is an understatement when we are referring to this. It would’ve been better as a nightmare because I could wake up from this traumatic moment. I was focused on my screen that I hadn’t noticed the calling in my front.

“Channie?... Chris?.... Christopher?... Mr.Bang Chan?.. Chan!”

[Y/N’S POV]

He finally noticed me as soon as I tapped on his shoulders. He flinched and looked at me in horror. It creeped me out but it took seconds before he could pull his eyes away from mine. He bit his lips and I noticed him covering his hands. The staff called out a number which I believe was from our table considering the way he closed his laptop.

“I’m getting that” You forced a little smile as you made way to the counter

I smiled at the thought of our “date” but seeing you sweating and nervously fidgeting your fingers to avoid them from shaking bothers me. Did something happen before you came? Why was he that nervous? Thoughts bombarded my mind, but you coming back with my favorite drink and snacks, looking all-smiley, tells me as if you noticed my discomfort so you tried cheering me up. You sat down in front of me and got rid of your problems. As usual, this guy notices even the littlest gestures I make.

“Did you wait too long?” I asked you with enthusiasm because our little date has now started. The idea non-stop makes my whole day

“No, I just arrived before you did.” You respond with a genuine smile despite the clear lie you just gave. You stroked my hair as you looked at me lovingly

“Oh, I just passed by that bakery we talked about a year ago…..” I started chatting about our fond memories that remain vivid in my head.

It took several hours of talking and enjoying our time together. We also watched that Philippine movie starring two exes who broke up and lived in one house, but being an emotional wreck, it took 30 mins of you trying to comfort me as I cry ugly. Of course, you didn’t miss an opportunity to laugh at me and even took a video. Teasing me and showing my picture as your wallpaper, made me playfully angry.

We also enjoyed visiting the same tunnel where we met. The nostalgia is present. The moon is shining and I can’t help but smile looking at you.

[CHANS POV]

You look beautiful under the moon if I must say. I wanted to show the magnificent view because it reminds me of you whenever I see it up above. You were my only light when my days in the past were too dark.

We continued strolling around, counting the streetlights that passed by and talked about a lot of things. Until you decided to speak up-

“About…. the thing that happened earlier?” You looked up to me, but your eyes soon started moving away from mines. You were held on with the anxiety of trying to speak up whenever it had come to my personal life. I don’t know whether it was the trauma you’ve stumbled upon when you asked about my father or it’s just due to your manners. Nonetheless, if it was indeed your trauma, I’ve felt guilty about it and wanted to reassure you I won’t hurt you ever again. “But if you don’t want to talk about it-“ I cut your sentence off.

“My father was a musician..” your eyes shined with glee in my response

“That’s cool!” You exclaimed but it soon faded into a frown after hearing me sigh. Tilting your head, you tried to calculate everything that’s wrong with it. I nervously fidgeted with my hands and knuckles, contemplating a decision that could change and even affect both of us.

“Everything’s wrong... He was into it, music took his mindset and life” I faced my head sideways and gulped without looking at your eye. The trauma, I’m finally telling my pent-up feelings after a lifetime keeping it to myself.

“He was so into composing music and started to forget about the reason he had started to do it. And by that-“ you cut off my sentence and started to nod a few times, pressing your lips together. You pointed your shaky finger at me and spoke softly.

“I think I know where this is going.” You looked at me in disbelief but all I could do is look at you with concern and guilt, asking for forgiveness. “Is this why you didn’t want to love again even after all these years?” Your eyes that shined stars a moment ago, turned into sun at night. It wasn’t raging darkness, but plain agony.

“Can you blame me? I know I love music, I’ve told you that on repeat for years. Is love what I need when that was the cause of everything?”

You didn’t take one glance at me and started walking faster. You were trying to leave me behind but I was quick to grab your hand.

“Please, let’s not act like this. It’s starting to get..” I was trying to think of a less harsh word because things get complicated day by day. And here I thought this date would be an exception. “Childish. Okay? I don’t get why you’re so out of place and it’s like-“

“So now I’m the one getting childish here?” You turned around and faced me, finally. Though it wasn’t any relieving as I expected. You were having tears stuck in your eyes, ready to fall at anytime yet you don’t want to cry in front of me. Are we going to keep this up? I was about to talk but no words came out of me. Until you decided to continue your sentence.

“You knew about this all the time, right? You knew how I was starting to fall for you and yet you continued our relationship without feeling love?” You bit your lips as your eyebrows creased. Trying to push me away, but all I could do was hold you tighter. “I know how trauma feels like. I’ve been there, we’ve been there. But you could’ve told me sooner at least so I’m not the only one looking like a whole fucking fool here, Christopher.” You tried to get away from my hold and yes, you did. Though as I tried to grab your hand once again, you took a step backward and placed your hands up in the air as a sign of surrender. “Call me sensitive but for God’s sake! How could you get me all wrapped up in your finger for the past years and call it something that isn’t attachment nor love? What was I to you then?” It took seconds for me to get the gist of what you’re trying to say and I did understand but I couldn’t answer that simple question.

Because now that I think of it, was I awful to hesitate who you were in my life? Was those years nothing for me then? I want to protect you until the end and I wanted to see you happy but I’m pretty sure I felt this for some of my friends as well. Did I just get into a relationship whilst thinking of my significant other as a friend? Is it called using someone? Taking advantage to make my life better? I know what’s right and what’s wrong. But I don’t know which is which. Getting into a relationship is a risky choice and I don’t want to hurt anybody in between. Because I know that’s what’s wrong. Using others for my need of affection and love is wrong as well. But is this exactly what I’m doing? I don’t know...As things grow, it just gets complicated to the point that I couldn’t even comprehend situations.

“I thought so” you continued, and those words crushed my heart. I didn’t notice the time we’ve been arguing, though technically it’s just you who was able to speak, that we’ve already reached your house. You opened the tiny gate in front of your house and I know what’s going to happen sooner later.

“Maybe, you need time to think about it alright? I don’t think I can keep up with a relationship like this if it’s too one-sided. But don’t worry I’ll wait. Even though what I want may not come,” you chuckled but the sigh was still evident. “I’ll wait for you.” You smiled, but it isn’t the one you’ve always shown me. I was the reason for your happiness but also the reason for your pain. How tragic must have been that sound.

You went your way to the door and closed it. I knew you were crying as I heard little sniffles but never looked my way. Closing the door, that was the last time I had ever seen you. With no goodbye kisses and hugs, you left feeling the ache you didn’t deserve.

[YOUR POV]

It was supposed to be “taking a break”, but considering this, I should’ve accepted it as a break-up. You never took time texting me after the whole 4 months. I guess I was no one in your life. But even though I was still hurt, I regretted spatting out things as if it was your fault. You always get guilty over things and I know it was all just because you had a hard time reciprocating your feelings because of the lack of love you’ve felt. I should’ve understood that part but being the sensitive me, I was unmindful. I’ve also never seen you walk past the corridors nowadays, so it’s basically been also the same 4 months of actually not seeing you as well. You really bothered trying to get out of my life.

I groaned as I sat up in the bed. It was around 8:30 and I’m like 1 hour and 30 mins late? Not that I’m bothered by it since I’ve gotten used to it. It’s not like our teacher is there by the time I arrive.

-SCHOOL-

“Outside, now” was the first and last thing I’ve heard as I entered my classroom. And here I thought the teacher wasn’t present. Not only did I embarrass myself in front of my classmates, but I’d also have to stand holding a chair, outside the classroom for lower and higher-ups students to see. Awful, and my reputation is broken. Well, not that I had any significant reputation in the first place but come on, you know how hard it was to see students bickering while looking at you.

I heard the door click open and I hoped it was the teacher who finally would let me in. It turned out to be another classmate of mines which I thought was unnecessary. But as I looked back up and noticed his eyes, a sense of familiarity came unto me.

“Han?” My eyes widened at the sight in front of me. I’m not expecting people to be perfect but our class president was the last person I expected to be scolded by our teacher. “Weren’t you inside the classroom way before me?”

“I cursed.” The guy spoke shortly and lifted the chair just like the same punishment I’ve been doing. I blinked my eyes twice but understood nothing.

“Pardon?” I replied in a high tone as if I was questioning what he was trying to say. Cursed? Is he out of his mind, trying to curse in front of the teacher? Besides, he had always been this quiet kid, but girls still tend to simp over. The latter though is out of my knowledge.

“What did you say?” I leaned in as you jolted quite a bit. Reacting to the sudden flinch, I assumed it was bold of me to do so and it scared you. But looking straight at you, pink tints were found on the side of the cheeks. It was light and definitely cute.

“F-fuck” he faced me with eyebrows creased and hesitated in replying. It was so short and awkward whenever he’d say it or maybe it’s also due to his stuttering. The thought was so out of the place and even I, who is quite free doesn’t curse in front of the teacher for no reason so why would someone who tries to stay low, would curse? But the way you told me the “forbidden” word made me laugh out loud.

“You’re funny, Mr. class president” I replied after a silent 2 minutes and laughed while hitting him lightly. Little amounts of liquids were falling down my deep brown eyes as I tried to regain my breathing. He’s awkward and that’s what makes it funny. I like him.

I wiped off my tears and stared at you. My laughs slowly died down after seeing your confusing expression. I don’t know whether your eyes held a safe haven or a place I was indulged in and forgot about the point that everything was complicated in between. Whether staring at you was comfortable or confusing. All I know is that I was distracted by the genuine smile you gave. It was little but I knew it was a smile after seeing cute dimples on the side of your lips. Now that I think of it, I haven’t ever seen the president smile.

You noticed my pause and coughed, trying to clear out the tension. The usual demeanor was back. Was everything just an illusion then?

“Anyways, I don’t know about you but I’m gonna have to go. Don’t want stay here standing when time’s already up” you lazily said as you pressed your lips together, leaving me speechless all alone. Raising your hand, you waved back at me while walking away and didn’t even take time to look back.

That was weird. Or was I the only one weird? True, I’ve never seen him around that much but I’ve painted the guy as someone responsible considering the works he finished even after given such a small time. He was indeed open-minded but wasn’t out-spoken or friendly. Work is work and he has to make sure he aces his tests for his reputation to not tarnish even one bit, that’s all that matters to him. He was never used to smiling so he doesn’t do it as much, at least that’s what I’ve heard. I’m guessing it must be my imagination.

/LUNCHTIME/

Guess what? It’s already lunchtime and I haven’t learned a single bit of information from my teacher’s discussion. Shrugging all my homework, projects, quizzes, oral recitations, and performances that are all due this afternoon, I walked out of the classroom.

But before I did so, I found a familiar guy in my peripheral vision. Trying to confirm whether it was him, I turned and called his name out.

“Mr. president?”

The same awkward and serious guy turned around, raising his right brow. You were confused at first about who would call you with no respect, but hummed in surprise as a response.

“It’s Han for you... and for everyone” trying to continue the work you’ve been doing for our school camp which is totally several months later. What’s the rush?

“Drop the formalities! Besides, I like Mr. president way better.” I smiled and tilted my head then flipped my hair. I was a whole smug for thinking my naming sense was the best thing about me.

“Like, like?”

The same vibe always comes up whenever I’m talking to you and I don’t know why. How is it so hard to interact with smart ones? I feel like their language is different and I couldn’t even comprehend what this guy is trying to say.

“like?”

“You like mr. president. That’s what you said”

And that’s how it struck me. Looking back on everything, it seems pretty weird. (I like Mr. President way better) rings all throughout my head. I know he’s been surrounded by girls who have a crush on him but surely he doesn’t think of this as a low-key confession, right?

Please, I didn’t deserve any of this awkward tension. I did walk up to him first but blame my curiosity for wondering what he’s doing in his free time, does he always go to the library whenever, or what do the lifestyle elites like him actually have? Maybe, I did just want a friend but who knew it would be this complicated. Wrong choice.

“The names you provide for people are so dull” you faked a yawn to show how uninterested you are.

I laughed out and tried to hide the embarrassment I’ve felt inside. He meant the name of course! What was I thinking? He quickly got up and proceeded to leave the classroom as if he understood what I wanted to do. He catches up with things fast if I must say. But the feeling didn’t subside in me and I tried to cover up my face with my hands as soon as he left. Heaving a deep sigh, I reassured myself and followed him.

-CAFETERIA-

“This is all they’ve got?”

It’s been a second we’ve entered the school cafeteria and yet this elite beside me was already complaining. We sat down on the white benches and I was also relieved the cafeteria doesn’t have many students since our class ended earlier than the desired time.

“You’ll get used to it. Besides, what do you commonly eat for lunch? This is good.” I replied and waited for a response that never came back. I’m thinking it was a wall I’m talking to. You ate the soup and showed a face of disgust. Of course, I don’t give up.

“Do you have different cafeterias?” “Or do you eat in your respective rooms?” “Do you actually eat? cause you looked really busy with the requirements.” “Being a class president is that hard huh? I don’t think I’ve seen anyone as hard-working as you even if they have high titles.” “You know if I was the class-“

“Why do you ask so many questions? Geez” you swept your hair and sighed. You felt tired talking to someone as chatty as me but all I could do is playfully pout and raise both my eyebrows up. Shrugging, I respond.

“Why not?”

You glared at me but I wasn’t taken aback by it so you decided to reply, finally. “The real question is, why?” you tried to peacefully eat and finished it quickly so you could go to the library, I suppose. It was going smoothly until my small brain with low grammar or structure skills decided to pop up the least moment I wanted it to.

“Because I’m interested in you.”

Choking was all I could hear after I simply stated. Panicking, I gave you my water unknowingly and you drank it. I patted your back and stroked it gently.

“You okay?” I tried to calm you down but your face seemed to ask me whether you were okay even after everything was obvious.

“You mean you’d like to know about my lifestyle?” You analyzed my reaction as I tilted my head. I mean isn’t that clear? Your eyes seemed like you got the hang of me again and scoffed, rolling your eyes. Wow! Now, what’s up with this attitude?

“It’s common. Just some random New York steak.” My eyes widened and my ears couldn’t believe what they’re hearing. That’s common? Gosh, even my monthly allowance couldn’t afford to buy a whole steak, what more if it was specifically in New York? And the way he didn’t bother to flex about his lunchtime food and acts as if it’s unimportant.

“Enough about me, how about you?” I believe you were trying to ask for the sake of the conversation but it excites me anyway. I mean, an elite asking me about my life? It boosts my pride, internally laughing as I thought of the idea.

“What do you want to know about me?” Grinning, I eagerly waited for the question. How blessed I am to have an upper-class student to not just interact, but ask about me as well.

“What happened between you and Bang Chan?”

I’m taking it all back. I don’t want to hear any questions. I was wrong. By Bang Chan, I knew straight away he was referring to Chris. The mentioned ex became an elite, or so I heard. I don’t know how, why, or when but that’s the only reason possible for him to know there was a thing between us. But unlike me, Mr. President wants to make sure of everything and not just the rumors he had heard.

“No.” I simply stated and continued to eat.

“Why not?”

“I should be the one asking you why”

“Because I’m interested in you”

I paused and was slightly surprised by the sudden declaration. Okay, my way of telling him made me look crazy. I looked up to him and saw a pair of teasing eyes. This is who mr. president is? Now it was my time to roll my eyes and I knew at that moment I had no escape.

“Exes. We’re exes.” I expected a startled expression from you but your lips curled downwards as if you expected it. How was it hard to read this guy’s mind though he immediately catches up on everything I’m feeling?

Days passed by and as usual, I was the one annoying you. At that very time, we became close because I knew you were a comfortable place for me to be in. You don’t judge unlike what others do each time I open up my problems especially when it comes to my relationship with an elite and Christopher, out of all. For sure, you were the right choice of friend I never knew I needed to rely on.

[YOUR JOURNAL]

Just a few days passed by and I hear lots of students whispering. What’s the occasion? I don’t even know myself yet I’ve brought a ring that matches mine. I’m naive but I always trust my instincts no matter what. As I try to recall the date and puts everything together in one piece from all the clues I’ve gotten.

A familiar man appeared in my sight. But he wasn’t mr. president. He was looking at me and I continued to look at those deep brown eyes I’ve longed to see after a long time. Was I prepared? No. Did I want to see him? I’m not sure so myself. But did I actually like that view? Indeed. My very first heartbreak or hiatus came back after months and to see he felt the same way I did. Did the moment I waited for all of my life would finally happen?

Each step you take, the more my anxiety rushes through me. I felt the shivers either because I was scared or it was the tears I’ve forced to stop from rolling down my cheeks. Or simply both, ignoring the fact that I was hurt yet I did want to see you after all. I wanted to walk away, but if I did then I’m making the same mistake twice. Therefore I stood still silent and only my heartbeat is the loudest out of all.

Closing my eyes, I expected strong grips around my wrist which marks it deep red because anger was the only thing present in the space between us. I didn’t take consideration of the things you’ve gone through but instead became selfish just because I’ve moved on from the past. I did tell you I would wait for you forever but all I gave you was the pressure of making you choose decisions at times you were having a hard time. Just because you made me learn the definition of love, doesn’t mean I could anticipate that you felt the same thing.

Quite on the contrary, I’ve felt warmth and comfort. The grip was truly strong, strong enough to hurt me emotionally and not physically unlike what I expected. The grip I’ve felt was hanging around me, a hug was given to me even when I didn’t deserve this.

“I’m sorry” that was what I’ve heard in the muffled and low volume of voice the man had spoken because he was on the verge of tears. I was supposed to be the one asking for an apology, yet this guy took it to heart once again. Typical Christopher.

“I missed you. I’ve realized I can’t do things without you. It’s been hard..” Your sentence cut the uncertainty I’ve felt. It came, he came. I cried my heart out after not breathing for a second. It would finally work out, after months of trying to ask for support from other people, you entered my life once again. And better? You loved me.

It was your graduation, and I’m glad to be there just like what we dreamed it to be. You may have left, but our romance never stopped.

Cliché right? Of course, that never happens in reality. What happens, is the point that we argue every day because of the long-distance relationship that serves as an obstacle in us. We don’t even know whose mistake it is but considering you, you’ve always been the one who let your pride down and ask for forgiveness. There are times it’s also been me because I realized that this guy doesn’t deserve more burdens in his life. Support is everything I could give.

“Everything working out?” I was astounded by the call Hanji decided to initiate first. He’s always been there for me when I had it rough. He cares for me though he doesn’t show it as much.

“I don’t know. I’ve rarely been receiving texts but he made sure to call me anytime soon. We’ve both been fighting against this. Thanks by the way” You sighed after I finished my sentence. I hoped my exhaustion wasn’t able to reach you but you knew straight away.

“What do you see in him? He is talented and ideal but do you think you both match up?“

It was good he called but hitting it directly at me and doubts our relationship? That’s what triggered and ticked me off. “I told you not to talk about this.” I firmly uttered.

“He doesn’t get the way you act, talk or even feel”

“I’m sorry? What do you mean by that?” It’s rare to see us quarrel because you didn’t want to reach that point and yet it’s you trying to get all complicated once again. Here I thought I got the hang of how you think. “He understands me more than anyone.”

“If he does then why didn’t he call by then?”

“He was busy. I repeated that to you more than thrice throughout the whole call. But if he wasn’t busy then he’d take a grasp of everything.”

“Was he? Because the last time I knew you had a rough day, crying all alone, he didn’t. The time I knew I had to cheer you up, he didn’t. The time I knew I needed to reassure you that no one’s ever going to leave you but stay by your side, even though you didn’t realize about it, he didn’t.”

3 seconds passed by before my voice was heard in the line.

“What does that have to do with all these?”

“I understand you but the guy you wanted to be with, doesn’t”

That was it, the final blow. Both were concerning, the whole sentence is. Starting from the conclusion you understood me up until the thought of me wanting a guy who doesn’t pick me up the way I assume couples needed. We had a relationship with Chris, but was it called a relationship with lots of things in between?

“I’m sorry. Slipped out. I was just irritated.” It was a first for you to apologize but my mind wandered to the part where you compared yourself to Christopher.

“What do you mean by you understanding me when he doesn’t?”

“I mean... If I did understand you, then I’m pretty sure a lot more boys out there would be a better match and would recognize your desire. They would be able to take care of you. You know I’m just.. worried.”

If it was the usual vibe, I would’ve laughed at that lame excuse. But thinking back, it’s hard for me to perceive the way you feel about me. I’ve heard rumors but ended up being nonchalant about it because mr. president having feelings? I chose to believe it wasn’t real especially when I’m already facing a hard time.

“good night.” You continued after the short silence. It was now you who was starting to get exhausted. You cut off the line quickly before I could even reply. Was the relationship between me and Chris wasn’t able to follow up fate? How innocent of me to think that true love comes so easily.

Days turned to months and I lost count of the weeks Chris has been gone by my side. He had never failed to text compared in the past, but I still yearned for his affection.

He seemed excited on the phone today and unknowingly called me 5 times and now a 6-

“Christopher, aren’t you busy?” I giggled as I heard him laugh. It made my day and filled up the void in me that was created because of the thought he isn’t able to be with me on my graduation day.

“I have duties... as your boyfriend” I playfully rolled my eyes without expecting a turn of events.

It was my final day in school and to think that I have to spend it alone because I had no friends, awful. Chris made my day though, so I wanted to enjoy it to the fullest. But the feeling of not seeing Hanji anymore still lingered in my mind. It was harsh but I had to accept it. We didn’t talk that much but undoubtedly, he was a good friend in times I need him.

Whilst looking around the stalls in the halls, I found him. He was talking to a guy seemingly the same age as ours and he looked so happy. But as his eyes met mines, was it just me, or did it die down? Maybe he doesn’t want to see me after all? His eyes traveled back to the sushi he ordered but sighed as I ran up to him.

“Mr. president?” The happy and annoying tone of calling him wasn’t present anymore. It was gloomy, hesitating if I should bother his hours or time. “Did I do something?” What happened to our closure? it flees away.

I saw you in the process of trying to smile a little and just hummed to let me know nothing’s wrong. But everything is. You ignored me and walked up to the classroom. I followed you, as I always do. I decided to speak up but you cut me off.

“I’m sorry if I did-“

“Are you still interested in me?”

You turned around and confronted my small figure. It hurts the way you try to smile in front of me but failed to do so. Usually, you always made me believe what you wanted me to. You’d say you’re fine, you’re happy, you’re not exhausted, but right now? I’m not buying it. I may not be able to read you that much, but you seemed too tired to the point that your magic of convincing me didn’t work.

“Interested..?”

“You said you were interested in how elite ones live. Now that you got the answer and your boyfriend is one, what am I there for?”

“You were there for me-“

“when he couldn’t be there”

You were being on and off, getting more complicated as time passes by. You don’t go straight to the point but instead, run circles until I have a hard time contemplating whether I’m the wrong one.

“What are you trying to imply?” I questioned

“I don’t need a quote that says don’t expect something in return”

“Return? After everything, we’ve been through? Our friendship? Was it all just nothing? How doesn’t that benefit you?”

“Because the more I give you your need, why do I have to receive pain instead?” Your voice was shaky and I can see you biting your lip, trying to suppress yourself from falling and breaking. “You wanted to know me because you were curious about my life. Now that you know of it, what do you want from me?”

“What do you mean what do I want? I want nothing from you. The bond that we’re tied in is enough for “

“Then who am I to you?”

“I told you, a friend.”

“My purpose in your life?”

“Lifting me up whenever I feel....down”

“So did you recognize how that sound like to you?”

Among both of us, I broke down first. Why am I being the one treated like the villain in this story taking advantage of people around me? Why am I the perceived the evil being in our friendship? Why does he want to make me feel guilty? I didn’t even know what the problem is yet, but I was already the bad one here. Call me clueless, but I couldn’t be blamed for something I don’t even know about. Quiet sobs filled in the silence and I could feel your sympathy filling the empty room.

“If ever..” in a low volume, you decided to speak “Why do you want to spend more time with me?” I looked up to you and wiped away all my tears if that’s possible.

A reason, that’s all I need to prove but no suggestions came up to my mind. Recollecting tragedies, was I the one who didn’t bother calling you when you didn’t do the same to me? Why didn’t I? You didn’t even pass my mind one single time in the past days. So why didn’t that happen? I appreciated him but when did things gradually just..stop?

Tears fell down yours as well but you didn’t want me to look at you in the eye. “You were supposed to say for more memories, you know? Like because I actually made you happy so you wanted me to appreciate our moments. Believe it or not, that’s what they say” you laughed to lift the air but I was still left dumbfounded after everything. How terrible of me, that thought echoes repeatedly.

Hours passed by and I wasn’t feeling it. The sun turned gloomy, the loud cheer of students turned to noise, the sky turned monochrome and the atmosphere turned dull. All I could do was ask Chris regarding it. All he could say is that he appreciated how Hanji backed off and didn’t want to complicate things more by telling me. Understanding none of it, what does he mean by didn’t want to complicate things more when our quarrel was? Wow, I really am this hopeless. Slow and unaware.

I was lost in thought that I late realized how I could hear vehicles in Chris as he was on call. Was he lying then? He mentioned he was staying in but why are there noises and people chattering? I was baffled hearing one of the familiar voices behind. One seemed to be the same as my classmate.

“Where are you? I thought you said you were in your home?”

“I am home.”

Clichè as it seemed, It all felt like a slow-motion in a fast-paced sequence of events. Firstly you were just talking to me but at the next second, you were personally doing it.

Holding your phone, I finally found the guy I’ve seen and lost on the same day in the past. But now? He’s here. Promising me that he won’t leave ever again. I knew I could trust these words no matter how repetitive they're going to be. Once you tell me it, I just know you’d be by my side no matter what until the end of the world.

You were looking the same as I remembered in the past and it’s played out like deja vu. You walking up to me and giving me a whole hug of comfort, as I cried in your arms.

“How about your-“

“I don’t want you to worry about it. I’ve chosen myself, with no additional pressure, to live with you.” You stroked my hair and patted my back.

“Live with me?”

“Don’t you want to?” I was delighted and surprised by the sudden decision. I wasn’t given enough time to think about it, not that I needed time anyway. I would always choose you over anything else.

It was the event and yes, I graduated with my boyfriend cheering me on and allowed me to soar high and fly, to start a new beginning.

[HAN POV]

It was good seeing you happy. Even if it was Bang Chan, I’m sure he is the only man that can make you smile like that.

But indeed, I was hurt. I was a book you wanted to read but as soon as you got ahold of the main idea, everything starts to get boring. Usually, you would never fail to not make me annoyed each day because as you always say, I cross your mind every time. When you were indulged in your relationship, I was forgotten.

It was all my mistake and you don’t have to feel guilty about it. I may not have any expectations of you loving me, but I had hopes and that’s what made me receive pain. If I hadn’t hoped you would be with me, hoping you forgot about him, hoped you could see I am just here waiting, hoped you could realize I can treat you better, then both of us wouldn’t get hurt. It’s my fault and I’m held accountable to live in regrets.

But even for a split second, I am happy that I am capable of distracting your worries and making your day better. I wasn’t thinking well in the argument a while ago but I did get the benefit. Seeing you happy, makes me happy. So letting you go is the best choice for both of us to receive joy. Scratch that, I don’t have the right to tell you I would let you go.

Because I never stood a chance did I?

[YOUR JOURNAL]

After graduating, I moved in with Christopher. He let me listen to some of the tracks he had created to stop me from bothering him all day.

The music he had composed was nothing personal and was based on people from different perspectives. I had never felt the same experience as well but something about the way he writes and produces brought me to tears. The pain and emptiness inside were well shown in the midst of harmonies. He was also a genius writer with well-structured sentences and livens up feelings in the words to make the listener feel as if he or she was the one narrating it. His father is a musician, but to think he would be able to express that much in songs just shows how deeply connected he is with music. He wasn’t motivated because he tries to stop himself from being like his father but it was a pity for him to stop something he is incredibly good at.

“You’re really something Christopher! Do you know that?” I hugged him from behind and heard his little laughs. “I think I’ve fallen for you all over again. But honestly, I knew you’d write and produce this good” I wore on a smug look as he asked while giggling because of the face I’m giving.

“How?”

“How about calling it an intuition from an expert music lover?” You playfully rolled your eyes in my response because you expected something more detailed. You urged me to explain it to you so you’d knew my opinion about the music and so I did.

“Your words are beautiful that it makes me believe anything you’ll say, Christopher” I smiled and kissed your cheek. I rested my head near your neck as we were sat on the bed, facing each other.

It was true. You made me feel different feelings and opened up a new perspective to move on from my past. You influenced me a variety of changing thoughts. I don’t like the idea of losing myself to someone because it forgets the real me. I don’t like the concept of being crazy in love with people because it doesn’t feel sweet somehow whenever the risk of it being one-sided and unable to move on is present. Not realizing that whenever the talk comes about you, it feels heavenly. I don’t know who I would be if I wasn’t yours but it all feels enchanting. Although you made me insecure, at the same time you made me laugh throughout the day. You were a gold rush. Perfect and gentle, to think that someone like me got you is like winning once in my entire life. Luck is rare but fate was there. By fate, it turned out you were destined to meet me and get me out of the hell hole, no one tried to do. By fate, it means I will love you and will forever do. By fate, we’ll stand strong and fight the cracks alongside our journey.

[CHRIS POV]

You wouldn’t take a no for an answer when I was asked to create more songs. A single shed of tear from listening to my music encouraged you to push more song requests unto me. Make-me-a-song was all I could remember hearing from you.

I remember you publishing one of my songs and I was accepted by it. You were jumping up and down as I was worried about its outcome. I was starting to get known, that was also the beginning of how the unforgivable musician started to forget about the important ones in his life. It was as if the result would be dragging my only light into my darkness. I don’t want to be a musician and yet, here I am composing more songs even if I knew what was coming soon.

I’ve started with light romance that I think you’ll enjoy but seeing you look so happy with just a simple work of mine, gave me that motivation I least wanted to have. And like a recorded cd, everything was played the exact same way in different men. I hated it but it was truly like father, like son.

I continued to write songs with deeper ones but as I got the recognition all the more, I produced as if I was possessed. I was indulged in the way words can be conveyed differently and ideas, stories, and theories were constantly overflowing my mind. I was wrapped up in music and I hated myself for it. Even though I despised the process, I couldn’t help but continuously write. All of my pent-up feelings in the past years were expressed in my songs, making me create heavy tracks and don’t run out of stories to tell. The man I’ve been hiding and was traumatized from came back and it’s as if he mocks me that we are on the same page after all. I felt myself sinking and sinking despite you telling me that I am not like my father because I made you feel the definition of love. I was trapped in a room with no escape that relates whenever I had started making music, I couldn’t get out of it. I wasn’t forced but this drive is what makes me continue because I feel like I’m creating a new genre that makes people deeply appreciate and maybe understand what I’ve been going through.

4 years came by but it felt like days in my studio.

“Chris, are you sure you’re fine? Get enough rest okay?” the young girl called me but I was busy finalizing the song.

“Yes, thank you,” I replied shortly after your question. I wasn’t paying much attention so I didn’t know the accurate response for it.

“Anyways, what’s that ab-“

“I’m working on music that’s going to be showcased and submitted to the famous JYP company later. It is really important so I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t distract me by asking so many questions. Come by later, we’ll talk about it then.” I looked at my watch on my right arm and noticed how I still got a few hours left before attending the ceremony. The albums will be released soon after but I have to submit another title track.

I was busy with all the scheduled dates and songs that I hadn’t realized

she wasn’t smiling anymore.

“Mr. Bang Chan?” hours came by and truly the CEO came. We have a friendly bond and he gives me advice so it’s casual for him to call on me. I hurried up to the door and went to the car.

“Why didn’t you invite her to the big event?” The CEO of the company asked me to start up a conversation. He crossed his hands and tapped his fingers as if he thought of something so deep and significant because he was getting impatient.

“It’s a big hassle. She isn’t good and comfortable in interacting with people she doesn’t know” I simply stated and smiled for respect.

“I don’t interfere or meddle in the personal affairs or lives of others but I hope you aren’t neglecting her because of this, are you?”

“She will understand” I looked up to the car window and stared at the illuminating lights from buildings. I know you took a lot of time waiting for me, but please don’t give up and let me finish this song about you. By then, our Disney-like dreams would finally come true and I swear I’ll make you even happier.

I held a box of ring in my pocket. I’ll make you happy, just hang a bit in there okay?

[YOUR POV]

The CEO told me about the new album he’s been working on. It was about his first love. It would be no other than me, right?

I went up to his room and read the paper scattered alongside his desk. There were lots but I decided to read the one that I assumed was already done. It was near the porch and I understood how he wanted to compose in front of the moon.

The moon shone brightly that night

but I realized that wasn’t my source of light

You look lovely

as the smiles you beamed lasted an eternity

I was persuaded and lost in thought

unknowingly, my heart was caught

Because even under the moon, you’ve shone the brightest

and cleared my problems at most

Even under where light lies,

I was indulged deep in your eyes

Even when it illuminates through the void,

a different view is what I’ve enjoyed

Because even if their minds were fixated on the scene,

looking at you felt more serene

I stopped reading the paper and placed it back on the desk.

“That can’t be me..” I thought.

Starting from the mentioned smiles, how could that be me? You stated you enjoyed looking at me, but I felt like I was invisible whenever you compose songs. Did you make songs while thinking of me? I don’t think so. You should’ve known that you were dragging me along with your darkest nights. I wasn’t even your light anymore, it died down. I was overshadowed by your passion or the one you’re talking about in this script. Can I still make you happy? No. Am I still happy? No. The whole lyrics proves how you didn’t even take a single glance at me right now. Because if you did care, you would've known I changed because you did. I changed because the person I was relying upon, didn’t find motivation in me. We started together but it lost while it progresses just like how you started music because of me but lost my figure in your sight along the way. It was reality, I was being forgotten. When I was alone crying, where were you? I know you don’t understand me quite well but I was the whole climate. I changed for seasons unlike in the past where it was mild swings. Because you know what hurts the most? Not the fact that I waited and kept waiting as I am already used to that and no matter how many years it may take, I’ll always wait for you. But it’s all because everything went back. You picked me up from the trauma and showed how love is but it’s as if my past resurfaced from the waters and told me how tragedies would always stay the same. That I would always end up this way no matter who I’m faced to. I felt guilty for slightly regretting that I praised your songs. Indeed you were meant to be connected with music and it’s your passion. I’m happy that I was able to show it to you but wouldn’t these happen if I didn’t start it all? I was wrong. I thought it made you happy but no. None of these made us happy. Your pieces of music weren’t to blame, I shouldn’t be blamed and neither were you. Where did everything go wrong? I don’t know, it just started to fall off. These lyrics were deeply engraved in my mind. You seemed so in love when I wasn’t able to show you what love is. If it was a person, she must’ve been so kind and understanding. She must’ve been someone who understood your secrets and feelings. And me? I couldn’t still get to you. I’m confused about what’s best for you or what you wanted all along. I don’t recognize the woman you’re writing about. Either it was the past me or someone new. Chris,

who is it that you’re in love with?

Cold air rushed through my skin as I closed my eyes and inhaled the scent of calm air. It wasn’t possible but it was enough to make me feel calm. I still appreciated our moments but I feel like I can’t wait anymore, Chris. It’s not because I’m tired but because I feel like you’ll be better without me. I hate the idea of me regretting I showed you your passion. I’ll be nothing but a whole burden. You’ll meet someone better who recognizes your life and by then she’ll be a brave one who can communicate with you. You’ll find someone new, or you already did. If anything, happiness is all I need in the end, at least at the ends of the world. It did happen. I was happy because the next thing I’ll do will be the bravest thing I had ever done after all my cowardly decisions in life, and it’s all because of you.

I stood up at the top of the porch and imagined a vivid scenery. It was you kneeling down to someone new. She did accept it and you were celebrating. Tears ran down my cheeks but was I smiling? Yes, it was indeed happiness seeing you take a break from the pressure and realize you needed to receive joy. I wasn’t able to give it to you but to think someone else would, contrasted the happiness and pain. “It’s time to let go” I opened my eyes slowly as I thought and saw the moonlight. I snapped out of my thoughts and cleared out my head. Because no matter what happened in between us, you crossed my mind in a second. And that’s when I knew, I still loved you despite the bittersweet rain.

[CHRIS POV]

I heard sirens in front of the place that doesn’t feel like home anymore. Why? I heard how young and innocent the girl was and it was a pity to see her leave. It was a shock for me to the point that I hadn’t shed a single tear. Empty, hollow. It was all I could feel at the moment. Was she gone? Did she conclude to leave her out of my life?

Paper. That’s all I’ve seen on the desk. It’s prohibited to enter but I couldn’t believe what I’m seeing. The paper was crumpled and I believed you took the time to read this. Was my perspective wrong about you? Wasn’t this about you? I read the paper without further thinking and realized how I painted her as an angel. She is human, she was a human. Yet I’ve acted as if she was happy all the time, trying to save me from being a mess. Did I take a look back at her? No, instead I assumed too quickly. But what could that change? I was late and you’ve already given up. I was this close to preventing this but because I was so into writing a song made for you, I had forgotten the purpose to the point that it doesn’t seem like you anymore. Can I turn back time? If only I could. I needed to feel your warmth, I needed to see you one last time. I need you.

“Excuse me, do you know the victim?” A man from the authorities asked.

“Yes.”

Mixed emotions were vivid. I felt guilty but hoped you were happy in your last breath. The context of mines was complicated and I didn’t even notice it before. I abandoned to treat, as what I comprehend. Miscommunication rode the tides but it was undoubtedly true when I started to ignore people that surround me. I want to focus on you without realizing I left you. Is that even possible? It is now that I’ve seen it. Just like CDs, everything was played out in deja vu. People were different but things were just the same. It was how I became just like the person I despised all my life. But I did it for a reason, it’s not like I forgot about you. I just didn’t think how your feelings are right now but pursuing this song, is how I still remembered every bit of you. Would the ring I held on be given if I arrived earlier? No, I should’ve realized. I should’ve loved and made you feel how important you were to me in the days back then. In times you felt a hole in your chest, I should’ve been there to feel it up with love. I should’ve been there when you felt insecure. I should’ve been there when you felt all alone. But no matter how much I hurt myself, tear myself apart, it all ends with “I should’ve.” I’m sorry I couldn’t show you what I wanted to. I’m sorry I couldn’t love you until the very end.

I continued explaining to the man,

“She was my fiancée”

would you love me if I let go?

43 notes · View notes

mrsmaddiebobaddie · 4 years

Text

MCYT High School Teacher AU

I don’t know if this has already been done but with student teaching on the brain this was invading my subconscious.

Phil: Principal

The most chill admin you’d ever find (He kind of has to be with the staff at the school)

Will let most things slide if you ask nicely

Has a quiet space in his office for students to take a moment to calm down after acting out. He’ll offer them candy and talk through the situation with them.

Started out as a counselor at the school, so he still holds a similar mentality when it come to talking with students and staff.

Always takes the side of his staff. The district is usually in the wrong anyway.

He knows the teachers are the experts, screw whatever requirements the state has, he lets them run their classrooms whichever way is best for the students’ learning

Technoblade: Literature & Composition

One of the most engaging teachers at the school

Most students love him because he’s real and he’ll tell it like it is.

Has a coffee machine in his room. It’s rare that he’s not holding a mug in his hand while he teaches

Has high expectations for his students

Rarely gets angry. Even when he’s upset he still comes across as calm.

Usually stays at the school late making sure to give the best possible feedback on papers and reports. He genuinely wants each kid to learn something from his class.

Tommy: Speech and Debate

It’s only his second year of teaching

The students would run the classroom if not for Tommy basically being a student himself

There’s a strong chance his class will be off topic at any given point. It’s always an adventure walking past his door, you never know what you’ll hear

Somehow still gets high scores on average from his students

Keeps students after class when he notices them struggling with school or life in general to talk with them. The conversations are always beneficial.

Will 100% fall asleep during professional development meetings.

Karl: Biology

Tries to act hip, fails most of the time.

Always has the most energy in his lessons, finds unique ways to teach the concepts other than slides and worksheets.

Usually the first one in the building each morning

Will give students different options for final projects so they can chose the best method of showing their evidence of learning.

Gets lower scores than he should on observations because he doesn’t do well under the pressure. One year Phil didn’t announce when he’d be coming in and watched from the door to give a more accurate review.

Wears a sweatshirt to class more often than he should

Quackity: Spanish

Hands on learning whenever possible

Uses the home ec. room to make authentic Mexican dishes with his students when they cover the food and restaurant unit

Will just forget that the kids don’t speak Spanish fluently and ramble on until someone interrupts him.

Slow grader, you get your scores when you get them.

Known to be a bit chaotic with his teaching style, it works for some kids but he does need to reteach certain sections every now and then

One time a kid feel asleep in his class so he had all the other students leave and they had class outside to freak the kid out (They were right outside the classroom window, he could still see the sleeper, he told Phil)

Skeppy: Algebra

Like’s his job, pretty much your average teacher

Can’t stand freshmen, but tolerates them since that’s half the students he has. He prefers teaching advanced algebra to upper classmen

His lessons are always formatted the same, starting with a lesson on how to do that days math, with the remainder of the period being free work time

Holds math challenges with his class and gives out prizes. It’s usually candy, though one time he gave out cash. He made his kids promise not to say a word about it.

Very good at teaching the same math concepts in different ways to help struggling learners

Always one minute away from being late for first period, but makes it just in time every morning.

Dream: Health/Football and Assistant Basketball Coach

Took the teaching job mainly to coach sports

Still cares about making connections with his students, he uses his class to teach life skills and promote positive social and mental health.

If any of his players are in his class he will pick on them. He has no mercy.

Dreads sex education because no one can be mature about it. He gets revenge by making the students film a “how to say no to sex” video with someone in the class.

His wheeze laugh is iconic. You can hear it from down the hall.

If you meet with him and are honest when you’re struggling, he’ll work with you to pass his class. He isn’t going to ruin your GPA over a project on the negative effects of smoking.

Wilbur: History & Geography/Theater

The teacher who sits on his desk when he lectures

Is very sarcastic with his students, but knows who can take the teasing and makes sure not to make anyone feel uncomfortable.

Prefers class discussion over solo work time, he likes hearing student’s perspectives and ideas.

Turtlenecks

One of the teachers most likely to be the crush of teenage girls.

Not afraid to mark you down for sloppy work. You use a black ink pen and draw precise lines when turning in maps and graphs or you redo it.

Speaks in musical references

George: Physics

The chillest teacher by far

Due dates? Don’t worry, he’ll accept an assignment literally months after it was supposed to be turned in

Makes difficult topics seems simple when he describes them

He doesn’t really care if you have your phone out in class as long as you’re paying attention and learning the material

The students straight up call him George, he doesn’t seem to care

Placing near the top for the most crushed on teacher

King of multiple choice questions

Eret: Economics & Government

Makes any student in his class feel welcome

One of few teachers who can lecture the entire period without students falling asleep. He always has interesting stories

Let’s kids chose where they sit

Freshmen are always caught off guard by his voice when they hear him for the first time

Spends too much of his own money on supplies for his students and classroom (Honestly most teachers have to spend their own money on necessary supplies, he just goes about and beyond.)

There’s always a group of students who eat lunch in his classroom

The Union Rep at their school, will fight tooth and nail for the staff members

Tubbo: Band Director

Super cheerful whenever he’s teaching

He rarely has any free time before or after school because he has so many one-on-one lessons and meetings with students

Likes to have practice outside when the weather is nice

Does his best to make his students feel comfortable and relaxed whenever he does performance based assessments.

He’s also a new teacher, but you honestly wouldn’t be able to tell

He will be in tik toks if you ask him to, and he’s familiar with all the pop culture trends

Let’s the students chose a song to play at the last band concert. Some years have been less chaotic than others, the worst (or best, depending on who you ask) being when the students voted to play Deja Vu from Initial D.

Fundy: Computer Science/Coding

Begins each class with a cheesy computer joke. Every class.

Everyone knows you can’t get anything past him technology wise. He can see that headphone in your ear from across the room.

Isn’t afraid to assign extra work when students are disrupting class

Once took up an entire class period showing his students how he coded different difficulties in Minecraft. He wasn’t ashamed to admit that he plays the game in his spare time.

About half the students in his class aren’t really interested in computers, they just want to have him as a teacher since everyone says he’s cool.

Known to hack school computers to bypass restrictions

Sucker for pizza parties. Has at least one per semester

Sapnap: PE/Basketball Coach

Hella competitive

Abuses his power of having a whistle. Someone should really take it away from him

Gyms shorts every day. Even in the winter. Sometimes he wears sweats, but never jeans.

Doesn’t let anyone sit out of activities

Tries to set up fun tournaments for each activity they do, makes sure to balance the teams so no one has too much of an upper hand.

He’s usually the teacher who mans detention, he tries to make it as positive as it can be though.

Keeps extra sets of gym clothes to give to students who forgot or can’t afford to buy them

Schlatt: Calculus and Stats/Business

You either love him or are terrified of him

One of the only teachers who can have an “aggressive” teaching style and still connect with students

You will learn something from his class, he makes sure of it.

Doesn’t accept late work unless you have a really good reason why you couldn’t turn it in

Wears a tie every day

If another teacher needs a last minute sub during his prep period he’ll cover them. Doesn’t matter what subject, he can wing it

He was the reason the school started offering business studies as an elective due to some vague threats towards the district

Niki: Art/German

Teaching voice is so soft

You can’t tell whether or not she’s giving you constructive criticism because everything she says sounds so positive

Let’s her students lead learning for the most part, she will cover topics that most interest them while still trying to hit the district required standards (luckily teaching electives gives her a bit more freedom with her curriculum)

Her classroom always smells lovely

Will bring in homemade goodies each Friday for the staff room

Holds art galleries at the end of each semester to show off the arts since they often go unappreciated. It has turned out to be a super popular event for students and staff.

Bad: Special Education

This man has endless patience. It’s crazy

Even after the longest days when none of the students are cooperating, he still has a smile on his face

If he hears cursing in the halls he will call you out in front of everyone. Teachers included.

Makes sure to keep a list of all his students favorites so he can surprise them with gifts on their birthdays or around holidays

He works closely with the other teachers to make sure his kids can be as involved in general education as possible.

Always wears something fun, be it a tie, socks, shirt, or even a full outfit. His students love seeing what new wacky garment he’ll be wearing that day.

More Head Cannons

If someone brings food for the staff room Tommy WILL take it. Sometimes he’ll come back for seconds, there will be none left by the end of the day. He’s not as bad as Skeppy though, who will literally pack it up to take home for later.

For the past few months the staff members have been receiving anonymous email chains with photoshopped pictures of each other. Everyone was sure Fundy was behind it, Eret thought he saw him teaching his students how to use the program by editing their favorite teachers into stupid situations (they’ve all been school appropriate of course). Fundy did in fact start it, but now so many other teachers have joined in that it can’t be traced back to one person anymore.

All the teachers love going to sporting events. They’ll join in with the student section to cheer on the teams. If they know there’s a kid who doesn’t have family that will come to watch them they’ll make shirts with that players number to show support for them.

Wilbur, Niki, and Tubbo work together on musicals. Niki does the sets and costuming, Wilbur directs, and Tubbo leads the pit. There are plenty of long nights during tech week that devolve into chaos (especially when Niki isn’t there)

Spirit week is very intense, to say the least. The teachers are assigned a grade to be advisors to, and they get into it. For the duration of the week they practically become rivals with whoever isn’t in their assigned grade. They’ll pull pranks on each other constantly, especially when the students can see. It’s all playful of course, but it gets the kids more excited about spirit week when they can support their teachers and watch the amicable rivalries carry out.

Technoblade once joked that he knew every detail about every classic novel. His students took this as a challenge, and tried to find the most obscure and specific trivia questions they could ask him. He has yet to be stumped.

Dream and Sapnap had a running streak of about four weeks where they made everything into a competition. Who could enter their grades into the computer fastest? How many cups of coffee did they drink that day? Who got to school first that morning? There was a tally board in the staff room and the teachers had a betting pool going. Phil finally ended it when they accidently broke the school’s copier trying to see who could scan the most documents in five minutes. Dream was ahead by three points, Sapnap never lived it down.

In service days are incredibly boring, so the staff tries to make those days a bit more entertaining. They order in pizza or sandwiches for lunch. Since there aren’t any kids in the school they’ll do everything they’re no supposed to, like racing office chairs down the hallways and blasting non-school-appropriate music in their classrooms.

Wilbur accidentally started a black market of sorts when he took all the new whiteboard pens from the supply closest. He used this to his advantage, getting people to do him favors in return for the good supplies. When Dream found out he not-so-jokingly threatened to slowly steal everything from Wilbur’s classroom until he released the pens. The next day the closet was replenished once more

Quackity and Tommy are co-emcees for the school assemblies. They hold class competitions between the grades, including spirit chants and ridiculous games. Think minute to win it style, but way crazier. Everyone gets super into it, the upperclassmen usually win. The two have good chemistry and a fun energy.

George has a unit where students make bottle rockets and launch them outside on the soccer field. And every year Karl brings his class out to watch claiming that “it’s science, I teach science, I’ll have them write a paragraph about what they learned”. Really he just wants to watch rockets go brrr

For Schlatt’s birthday one year, Wilbur and Techno printed off shirts with his face on it for all the staff to wear. Schlatt was super confused when he came into work and all his colleagues were walking around with his face plastered across their chest. He got back at Wilbur for it by putting salt in his coffee for a week straight, but Techno never got his comeuppance. It’s debatable whether Schlatt just didn’t know he was in on it, or if he knew better than to mess with Techno.

Lesson planning and curriculum building is quite the process. Some departments can stay on task better than others. Schlatt and Skeppy get in, plan out the term, and get out. The math department has everything on lock. Social studies are also pretty good at getting pre-planning done. They tend to spend most of their time having discussions that aren’t necessarily related to the tasks at hand though. The English department is a mess. It’s really Tommy who’s a mess, he just projects that onto everyone else. Karl and George work well together to map out science curriculum. Even though teachers who teach electives aren’t required to collaborate with each other, they still get together and bounce ideas off each other and get feedback.

I have plenty more if people want a second part. I also only listed the MCYTs that I’ve watched enough to know their personalities at least a little bit, but if you wanted to see another person I may expand the staff list!

#minecraft youtubers #dream team #sleepy bois inc #dream smp #high school teacher au #teacher au

47 notes · View notes

journalofimprobablethings · 3 years

Text

a recipe for home

Author: journalofimprobablethings

Fandom: The Adventure Zone: Balance

Summary:

Taako tries to cook for the first time since Glamour Springs. When things go awry, Lucretia is there to lend a hand.

Full fic under the cut, but this you can also find me on AO3!

Preview:

Living in the headquarters of the Bureau of Balance makes Taako nervous.

It’s not just the giant brainwashing jellyfish, or the weapons of mass destruction they're hunting, or the fact that it’s a literal moon base floating in the sky--that’s all weird, sure, but he’s Taako. He can deal with weird.

It’s the sense of deja vu he gets just walking around the place, the feeling that he’s been somewhere like this before. It’s the fact that so many things about it feel so damn familiar. The details of the place that feel right in a way he can’t explain.

The deja vu is constant and sometimes overwhelming. He knows he's never lived anywhere like this--he’s pretty sure he would remember living in the sky--but he still can’t shake the feeling. If he tries to think about it too hard, his head buzzes like the beginning of a hangover and the thin needle of a headache starts to pierce his skull. So he doesn’t look at the feeling straight on. But he worries the edges of it sometimes, as he’s lying in his bunk listening to Magnus and Merle’s snores.

He’s never had a place like this, never been part of a team like this. He’s always been alone. So why does this place--why do these people, Magnus and Merle and the Director and even, weirdly, Davenport--why do they feel so much like home?

The kitchen in the residential wing is the worst--or the best, depending on how you look at it. It’s small, just a tiny galley kitchen for the Bureau members to use if they don’t feel like going to the mess hall, and everything about it feels right. He’s never felt so immediately comfortable in a new kitchen before. He finds himself reaching for a spoon or a pan without thinking, and there it is, exactly where he expected. It’s as if somehow his body already has muscle memory for this place he’s never been. It’s the strangest thing.

Maybe that’s what makes him decide to actually try cooking again.

He hasn’t made anything more complicated than a peanut butter sandwich since Glamour Springs. Every time he thinks about trying, about cutting and assembling ingredients, about transmuting anything, his hands begin to shake, and the echo of forty people choking and gasping for breath sounds through his head. Before he came here, he’d barely set foot in a kitchen in six years.

But for some reason, this damn kitchen calms his fears, at least enough to pull out a pot and prepare himself a packet of instant ramen. Even he, he reasons, can’t mess up noodles and a flavor packet. He only ever cooks for himself, though, never for the others. He plays it off as selfishness-- get your own food, homie, I gave Garfield good elf hair for this shit --and hopes that Merle just thinks he’s an asshole for knocking the spoon out of his hand when he tries to steal a bite. Even he can’t mess up noodles and a flavor packet--but he had thought garlic chicken was a simple enough recipe, too.

Now, he’s standing at the stove, testing the waters in his mind. It’s late, Merle and Magnus long asleep, but after hours of lying in his bunk staring at the ceiling and trying not to think about all the questions this place raises in him, he’d given up on sleeping himself and made his way down to the kitchen. If he’s going to try, the middle of the night is a good time: no one around to disturb him, or ask for a taste.

Taako pulls a pot from the cabinet to the right of the stove, just where he thought it would be, and sets it on the burner. His heart is pounding in his ears, but his hands are steady, the ghosts of Glamour Springs so far silent.

Rice, he thinks. Rice is simple, easy. He’ll start with rice.

After a quick survey of the food stores he's found bacon in the fridge, pigeon peas and capers in the pantry, a container of cubes in the freezer labeled “sofrito” -- who in the Bureau cooks enough to make and freeze sofrito? he thinks. But he’s not complaining, because now he knows what he’s making: arroz con gandules, Tía Elsa’s recipe, a recipe engrained in his bones. There are enough spices in the cabinet to approximate sazón--no banana leaves to cover the pot, but Titi Elsa only did that half the time anyway, maybe if we had a banana tree in the front yard, mijo, but I’m not making a special trip just for leaves. Foil’s fine.

He assembles the ingredients on the tiny square of counter next to the stove, pulls out a cutting board and a knife. Takes a deep breath.

And begins.

He heats the pot, cuts the bacon into thick dice and adds it in. The motions are easy, practiced, the tension in his shoulders relaxing as he falls into the familiar recipe. While the bacon crisps he turns his attention to the army of spice bottles he’s pulled from the rack. He starts mixing them in a small bowl, measuring them by eye in his hand. Garlic powder, onion powder, cumin, coriander. He’s missing annatto seeds, but there’s paprika, easy enough to transmute one to the other--

He stops, staring into the bowl, his hand smudged with red powder.

He did the magic without thinking, a simple shift in flavors, but now he’s staring at the bowl and the smudge on his hand and he’s thinking of elderberry and nightshade and the sound of a town choking to death on his mistakes--

“Taako?”

The voice is distant, he can barely hear it over the ghosts crowding his head.

“Taako, are you alright?”

A hand touches his shoulder, tentatively, and he flinches away from the touch but it pulls him into the present enough for him to open his eyes and see who's talking to him.

The Director is standing in front of him, a blue shawl wrapped around her shoulders and concern in her eyes.

Of all the people to find him like this, it had to be her.

“Peachy keen, jelly bean,” he says, trying for nonchalance, but he can’t stop his voice from shaking. “No worries here, Taako’s good--”

He reaches out to steady himself on the counter, but he misses and catches the edge of the spice bowl, tipping it over the edge. It shatters at their feet, spilling its contents across the floor in an aromatic slash of orange and red and brown.

"Shit," Taako says. "Fucking shit."

He reaches down to clear up the mess, and the world tilts and he almost falls over. Then the Director’s hands are on his shoulders, no longer tentative, catching him before he can fall. She steers him to the table at one end of the narrow kitchen, and guides him, gently but firmly, into a chair.

“Sit.”

He does, and the world tilts again.

“Breathe,” the Director says, and yes, that’s why the world is tilting, because he’s not breathing, but how does he do that? He leans forward and puts his head between his knees, and manages to suck in a shaky breath.

“That’s it,” she says, “Just breathe.” She’s somewhere nearby but now that he’s seated she’s no longer touching him. He can hear her breathing, though, slow and even, and he tries to focus on that, to match his breath to hers.

It takes a few minutes to even out his breathing, and another few to silence the ghosts whispering in his ears. But finally he lifts his head and looks up at the Director. She’s crouched next to him, a small furrow of concern between her brows, and Taako has the strange urge to reach up and smooth the furrow away. He clenches his hands into fists.

He should probably say thank you, but he's angry with himself and embarrassed that she's seen him this way and so what comes out instead is,

“What are you doing down here?”

It’s a rude question for an employee to ask their boss, but she doesn’t seem to mind.

“I was working late and came down to make some tea." She studies him. “You were cooking.” She says it so carefully, and not for the first time, Taako wonders just how much the Director knows about their pasts.

He’s afraid she’ll ask what set him off, ask if he wants to talk about it , and he doesn’t think he could handle that. He’s had enough of being vulnerable in front of her for the moment. So he straightens in his chair, pulls his nonchalance back over himself like armor.

“Yeah, you know, sometimes you just need something better than the crap we get in the dining hall.”

He waits for his words to provoke her, for her to stand and say something kind but brusque and leave. But she doesn’t. Instead she just sighs and looks back at the kitchen, surveys the ingredients on the counter, the spilled bowl of spices on the floor. "Gandules?" she asks, and Taako raises his eyebrows in surprise.

"Yeah."

She hesitates, and then says the most remarkable thing.

“Would you like some help?”

He stares at her. Of all the things he might have expected her to say, that wasn’t on the list. She sounds different, somehow--less distant, less lofty. She sounds younger.

“Listen, not that I don’t appreciate the offer, but don’t you have important Director-y things to do? Or you know, sleep to catch?”

She smiles thinly. “Sleep is a lost cause tonight, I think,” she says. “And even administrators have to eat sometimes.”

Maybe it's because of that change in her voice, or the fact that she didn’t try to make him talk about the spell he just had. Maybe it's because, against all odds, the Director's presence in this kitchen is strangely comforting. Whatever the reason, he doesn't push away her help the way he normally would. Instead he just shrugs and waves a hand.

"Sure. Knock yourself out."

The Director smiles, drapes her shawl over a chair out of the way, and gets to work. She clears up the spilled spices and shards of bowl, removes the now overly-crisped bacon from the pot, drops in cubes of sofrito to melt and fry in the drippings, and soon the kitchen is full of the mouthwatering smell of cooking onion and pepper and cilantro. It smells like Titi Elsa and home, and the band of anxiety around Taako’s chest begins to loosen.

Taako watches the Director as she measures out the rice and adds it to the pot to toast, then mixes the spices in a new bowl, measuring them in her hand just as he had. She cooks slowly, like she’s having to remind herself of what comes next, but she goes through the steps of making the arroz exactly as he would.

Deja vu, he thinks.

“Where’d you learn to cook this?” he asks. “You spend some time in New Elfington or something?”

The Director doesn’t answer right away. Her hand pauses in its stirring, as though she’s considering what to say, and when she does answer her eyes are far away.

“My brother taught me,” she says quietly.

The answer surprises him. The Director is one of those people who is so private, so self-contained, that it’s hard to imagine her with a family, a life outside the Bureau. Taako tries to picture the Director younger, more carefree perhaps, standing side by side with her brother in the kitchen. But something about the image makes his head hurt, so he stops.

He wonders what her brother was like, and where he is now.

He thinks it must be nice, to have a sibling, someone to teach you to cook, to be at your side through good times and bad. Someone who would miss and mourn you if you were gone. The thought makes his chest ache with something like longing and something like grief.

So much of this place and these people make him feel this way, this confusing mix of longing and sorrow and comfort. He hates it, because he doesn't understand it, doesn’t know why it’s happening at all. These people mean nothing to him. He just met them. He doesn't care about them, he certainly doesn’t need them. He has never needed anyone.

This is what he tells himself, but as he leans back in his chair and watches the Director cook, he can't help but admit that it's the most at home he's felt in a long time.

---

Lucretia knows that this is a stupid risk.

She's supposed to be keeping her distance. She's supposed to be the Director: professional, dignified, distant . She's not supposed to let them catch her wandering to the kitchen late at night, and she's certainly not supposed to be in said kitchen cooking one of Taako's aunt's recipes for him--one of the ones that he absolutely forbade her to ever write down. (She'd watched him make it until she'd memorized the steps well enough to make it on her own. She's tried it a few times, since the redaction, and it has come out fine, but never as good as his.)

She's breaking all the rules she's set for herself, all the boundaries she's put up to keep her story in place, to keep them safe. She's putting everything at risk.

But when she came into the kitchen and saw Taako staring blankly at that bowl of spices, the smudge of paprika on his palm, helping him wasn’t even a question. She knows what happened at Glamour Springs, and she knows how hard cooking is for him now. She'd hoped the kitchen might help. It's modeled after the one on the Starblaster, laid out just the same, one of the places she couldn't bring herself to let go of.

And now it seems it's just made everything worse.

Maybe it's the guilt that makes her offer to finish the dish, so at least Taako can have a taste of home, even if it's not as good as his or his aunt's. Or maybe, she admits to herself, it's pure selfishness. Standing here in this kitchen with Taako, surrounded by the smells of his cooking, she can almost pretend that nothing has changed.

Until Taako speaks.

"Where'd you learn to cook this?" he asks, and her heart constricts in her chest.

She considers, and when she finally responds, it feels like the closest thing to truth she’s given him in weeks.

She remembers the first time she watched him make this dish, in that tiny galley kitchen on the Starblaster. They had lost Lup early that cycle, a venomous snakebite that acted too fast for Merle to be able to help. Taako retreated into himself the way he always did when Lup was gone, but when she offered to help out preparing the meals, he didn’t say no. He was prickly and short, and half the time he would take the knife out of her hand to finish chopping something himself if she was moving too slow. But he let her stay, and watch, and she soaked up everything he was doing as well as she could.

The last day of the cycle, she and Taako were in the kitchen early, and Taako made his aunt’s arroz con gandules, one of the dishes she had always made for Candlenights. He wouldn’t let Lucretia help at all. She stayed with him anyway, as the sky darkened with the coming Hunger and the light dimmed, and by the time Davenport flew them out of that plane and the threads of light pulled them apart, the pot sat covered and ready on the stove. Lup returned to a tackling hug from Taako, and a bowl of rice that tasted like home.

It was several cycles before he actually taught her how to make it, and several more before she cooked it on her own. Of all the things that he taught her to make, it was always one of her favorites, and she made it at the Bureau because it reminded her of that day, that feeling of reunion.

She only hopes they'll get there again, one day.

Gods, she misses him. She misses all of them. She hadn’t realized how peculiar a grief it was, to miss someone who is sitting right in front of you. To look in the eyes of someone who you’ve known for a century and see nothing but wariness and disinterest.

Every time she thinks she's become accustomed to it, something new appears; they do or say something that leaves her shattered.

Every time, it feels a little harder to put herself back together.

“Your rice is burning,” Taako says from the table.

Lucretia comes back to herself and realizes he’s right: the nutty smell of the toasting rice is now tinged with bitterness, and when she stirs there are dark flecks of the grains that have caught at the bottom of the pan.

She curses softly and grabs for the tomato sauce, which hisses and bubbles immediately as she adds it.

It’s been a long time since she let herself wander down those back paths of her memories. She’s avoided it for good reason: it hurts too much, and no good can come of it. For a moment, here, seduced by the familiarity, she allowed herself to drop her guard.

And worse, she let Taako see.

The empty tomato sauce can clatters as she drops it too quickly onto the counter.

“You all right, there, Madam Director?”

She shouldn’t be here. It’s too dangerous, for him, for her, for the plan. She’s supposed to keep them at arm’s length so that they don’t ask questions, don’t try to follow her down those back paths to places their minds can’t go right now. She’d seen Taako wince when she’d mentioned her brother, because of course that would make him try to think of things that the voidfish has erased, and yet she'd continued on, losing herself in the comfort of the moment and ignoring the danger.

How could she have been so stupid?

She'll finish the dish, because she said she would. What comes next? Toast the rice, tomato sauce and then--what? She stares into the bubbling pot, trying to tamp down the panic clawing at her throat as it always does when she forgets something from the century. She knows this, it's--

"Here."

Taako's voice cuts into her thoughts. She blinks and he is standing next to her, holding the bowl of spices. She hadn't even noticed him get up.

He doesn't ask what's wrong, doesn't even tease her for forgetting what comes next. He just holds out the bowl to her. She takes it, and he doesn't comment on the fact that now it is her hands that are shaking.

"Thank you."

She pours the spices in, and by the time she's done he already has the next ingredient in hand.

They finish the rest of the recipe like that, together, Taako handing her each ingredient in turn. Then she adds just enough water to cover the rice up to her knuckle, and the heat is turned high to bring it to a boil. She and Taako tidy the kitchen without discussion while the water heats, and Lucretia wonders if Taako notices how easily they move around each other in this space, how familiar the dance of dishes and drying and putting away.

The water boils, and they reduce it to a simmer and cover the pot with foil, nesting the lid on top. And then it's done, nothing left to do but wait while the pot bubbles quietly away.

“I should go,” she says quietly. “It’s late.”

"I thought sleep was for the weak, or whatever," Taako says.

"There's always work to do," she replies. She picks up her shawl from the chair and surveys him. "Will you be alright?"

He flashes a peace sign at her. "I think I know how to tell when rice is done. I'm golden."

"You know what I mean."

Their eyes meet, and for a moment there is a connection there, an understanding. It's not what they had before, of course, not even close. But it's not nothing, either.

"I'm good," he says.

She nods and turns to go, but his voice stops her before she gets to the door.

"Hey, Director?"

She turns. "Yes?"

He starts to say something, then stops, and his shoulders go up in a sort of helpless half-shrug.

“Thanks.”

She smiles at that.

"You're welcome, Taako."

The next morning, Lucretia comes into her office to find a covered bowl sitting on her desk. Next to it is a note, and she recognizes the looping scrawl instantly.

Not bad, Madam D.

She smiles and uncovers the bowl. Even though it must have been hours since he placed it there, the rice is still steaming.

#taz balance #taako #taz lucretia #taz fanfic #taz #back on my bullshit writing fics about food and estranged friends #i've accepted that i'll never be over these two and their relationsihp #taako & lucretia #glamour springs #bureau of balance #found family #scribblings #long post

16 notes · View notes

be11atrixthestrange · 3 years

Text

Wendell Wilkins

Ludo Bagman meets a peculiar man at a bar.

It seemed like a normal bar. A normal muggle bar. And he really needed some normal right now. Ludo figured it unlikely there was anyone from the Ministry waiting to arrest him in an Australian muggle bar, so he took a deep breath, and stepped inside.

He took a seat at one of the barstools and noticed his reflection staring right back at him. He observed his appearance from a few different angles in the mirror on the wall behind the bar. His self-transfiguration was holding up pretty well. The red tint of his hair still looked relatively natural, or at least, like a natural attempt at an amateur hair-dye job, which made him look even more like a muggle. His eyes were unrecognizably brown, and his stature was exactly the same, because he knew that a completely different appearance would look suspicious to a British Auror.

Ludo had gotten himself into quite a bit of trouble back in England. As it turns out, it's hard to hide magic from muggles, especially if you're married to one. Eleanor's gullibility only took her so far, and when she caught Ludo levitating objects around the house, he couldn't explain himself.

He did his best to convince her it was all in her head, but unfortunately, gaslighting her wasn't the savior to his marriage he'd hoped it would be. When he came home to find her standing in their empty home, bags packed, he knew he'd never see her again. So he pulled out his wand, and wiped himself from her memory, even though it broke his heart to do so.

He was almost relieved to receive that letter from the Ministry notifying him of his crime— breaking the statute of secrecy. He laughed when he read it. If that was the only crime they had records of, good on him. He wasn't concerned about getting caught, he was concerned that they finally knew his address after all these years. But he was grateful. It was the perfect excuse to flee the country, and finally leave the memories of his happy marriage behind him. Another fresh start.

"I'll have a Newcastle," said a familiar accent beside him.

Ludo stiffened in his seat. He wasn't expecting to hear another British accent in a Melbourne bar. The likelihood of randomly sitting next to an incognito Auror was so small, he convinced himself not to worry. At least not yet.

The man next to him appeared about ten years older than him. He had dark but greying hair, thick glasses, the appearance of someone who had just gotten off an airplane, and was trying to kill time before checking into a hotel. His clothes looked expensive, but it also looked like he hadn't changed them in days. It was a peculiar appearance.

"What's the name for the tab?" asked the barkeep.

The man next to Ludo paused before he answered. "Wilkins."

Fake name, thought Ludo. He would know, because he frequently had to pause in order to remember his alias of the day.

The man named 'Wilkins' accepted his Newcastle, thanked the barkeeper, and then pulled out a notebook from his bag. Ludo turned to observe the man more closely. The notepad was already covered in neat, tiny writing, and he squinted as he read it again, a thoughtful look on his face. Ludo thought it unlikely that he recognized him, and figured his best approach would be to make conversation with the man. Worst case scenario, he'd know quickly if he had to make a run for it. Best case, he'd find out the man really wasn't a British wizard in disguise.

"Did you just fly in from London?" asked Ludo.

The man turned to look at Ludo, eyeing him up and down before shaking his head. "Been here a few months. You're from England?"

Ludo nodded. "First time in Melbourne." He extended a hand toward the man. "Leo Wilson," he stated, offering a fake name.

The man looked him in the eye before accepting his handshake. "Wendell."

Wendell Wilkins, thought Ludo. It still sounded fake, but then again, so did Leo Wilson. "Nice to meet you, Wendell," he said with a nod. He turned back at the barman. "I'll have a Newcastle too."

When he had his drink in hand, he raised his glass to Wendell. "To England," he said. The two men clinked glasses and took a sip.

"What brings you to Melbourne?" asked Wendell.

Ludo shrugged. "A change of scenery," he said. "What about you?"

Wendell paused and took a long swig of his beer before he answered. "Honestly, I'm not sure. I guess me and my wife just wanted something new." Ludo narrowed his eyes suspiciously at the man. It sounded like he hadn't quite thought through his backstory. Wendell diverted the question expertly. "Do you have a wife?"

"Had."

An empathetic look crossed Wendell's face. "Sorry to hear that."

Ludo shrugged. "It happens. What about you?"

Wendell nodded. "Monica. But if it makes you feel any better, things with her haven't been great since we came to Australia."

This sparked Ludo's curiosity. "That's too bad," he said insincerely. "Problems with the ladies. That calls for another round, I believe." He had an ulterior motive of course. Maybe if Wendell drank just a little bit more, he would reveal whether or not he was a threat. He ordered them each a second beer, and the men toasted to their marital problems, and drank.

He listened intently as Wendell recounted his relationship issues. Evidently, things had just felt off between him and Monica since their arrival in Australia. They couldn't quite remember why they decided to move, and they argued about it constantly.

There were some weird things they couldn't explain, like the general fogginess, the forgetfulness, and the constant deja vu. They couldn't seem to agree about very simple aspects of their former lives, such as what town they used to live in, where they worked, and who their friends were. Something big seemed to be missing, and neither of them could put a finger on what it was.

They blamed it on each other, and assumed what was missing was passion. Love. They decided they had moved to Australia to reignite the missing flame of their marriage, but clearly, it wasn't working.

Wendell had other theories, but they didn't sit well with his wife. His theory was that something was missing from their lives, it had nothing to do with their marriage, and it wasn't an accident. Wendell thought something sinister was going on, but Monica thought he was crazy.

"Be honest," said Wendell after draining his second beer. "Do you think I'm crazy?"

Ludo motioned to the bartender to order a third round. "No, I don't think you're crazy."

It was true. Ludo didn't think Wendell was crazy at all. And unless Wendell was a particularly gifted actor, he definitely wasn't a wizard in disguise.

Wendell was a muggle. An obliviated muggle. Ludo was sure of it.

There was no recognition in Wendell's eyes as he talked about his past life. It was the same empty stare he saw in Eleanor after he wiped himself from her memory, and it broke his heart. Seeing that same fog in Wendell's expression broke his heart all over again.

"What's the notebook for?" asked Ludo, his curiosity getting the better of him.

Wendell looked hesitant at first, before sliding the notebook over toward Ludo. "Sometimes, when I drink, I remember things, and I write them all down. I draw them if there aren't words."

Ludo studied the writing on the page before him. At first, it looked like gibberish, but he started to decipher patterns in the letters. The letters "HJG" appeared over and over.

"What is HJG?" he asked.

Wendell glanced around him as if he was concerned someone would overhear him. He shifted closer to Ludo before he answered. "I think they are initials."

"Your initials?"

Wendell shook his head. "Although Wendell Wilkins doesn't feel like my real name, I've given up trying to remember my own initials. I think those were the initials that I was meant to forget."

Ludo scowled at the paper. He turned to a previous page, where Wendell had drawn a picture of a large orange tabby cat. He turned the page again, this time revealing four words in a slanted scrawl that repeated across the page.

Draco Dormiens Nunquam Titillandus

Ludo felt his breath catch in his throat. "What does this mean?" he asked, although he knew perfectly well what it meant.

Wendell sighed. "It's Latin for 'never tickle a sleeping dragon'. It sounds mental, I know." He took another sip of his beer before shrugging. "It felt important."

It was important. Draco Dormiens Nunquam Titillandus was the Hogwarts school motto. There was no way Wendell had written that down by coincidence. The motto was part of the school emblem, which appeared on the uniforms, the school post, and any memorabilia that a student might take home to their parents. Ludo remained certain that Wendell was a muggle, because even the most skilled obliviater couldn't wipe their own magic from someone's memory. There was only one other way Wendell would know the school motto.

"Wendell, do you have any children?"

Wendell sat up straight and looked Ludo in the eye. He appeared to study him, as if determining what answer he should give. He must have seen an earnest expression in Ludo because he eventually nodded. "A daughter. At least I think I do. I just can't quite remember."

They sat there in silence for a while. Ludo couldn't help but think about his wife— ex-wife, and wonder. Where did she go when she walked away from him with that blank stare in her eye? Did she have a notebook full of scribbles that hardly made sense to her? Was she currently sitting at a bar trying to remember her marriage? Was she also living in a constant fog, questioning her own sanity?

He had never once stopped to think about the lasting effects before he wiped her memory. Instead, he naively assumed it simply erased his problems, and moved on. But now, watching 'Wendell', sipping away at his third Newcastle, he was faced with a harsh reality. This man clearly hadn't been home in days. He looked like he hadn't slept in longer. He was three drinks deep on a weekday morning, scribbling nonsense into a notebook, and telling a complete stranger about his forgotten daughter. He clearly wasn't doing well.

Ludo was positive he'd never see Eleanor again. He'd never be able to help her. But maybe he could make up for that, by helping Wendell right now. He'd already broken the statute of secrecy once, what would be the harm in doing it again?

"Wendell, do you want to find her?"

He squinted at Ludo, assessing his seriousness. "That's what I've been trying to do."

Ludo nodded and looked straight at Wendell's somber, yet hopeful eyes. He took a deep breath. "I can help you."

Wendell narrowed his eyes skeptically. "How could you possibly help me?"

Ludo took another sip, as if to fill him with more courage. He was good at lying to muggles, but not telling the truth. He tried to ignore the feeling of foreboding that came over him, telling him that this was a bad idea. If he couldn't give the truth to Eleanor, he owed it to Wendell.

Wendell needed a friend, and so did he. This would be good.

"I can help you, because I'm a wizard. And I know what happened to you."

There was a prolonged silence. Ludo stared directly at his Newcastle, but he felt Wendell's eyes on him, burning a hole through him. He reluctantly turned to face him.

Wendell's expression was unreadable, but the blankness that characterized his eyes before had all but disappeared. His face was filled with recognition.

Was it hopefulness? Sadness? Shock? Ludo couldn't tell. After all, he didn't really know Wendell. He was a complete stranger. Maybe he shouldn't have said anything at all.

Then Wendell spoke softly and stiffly, as if it required a great effort to steady his voice. "You're capable of making people forget?"

Ludo sighed. Then nodded. "I'm also capable of helping them remember."

"Are you the one who did this to me?" he nearly whispered.

Ludo shook his head firmly. "No."

"Did you do this to your wife?"

Ludo froze, regretting sharing any information about Eleanor. Although he never answered affirmatively, his hesitation confirmed Wendell's suspicions.

"Shame on you."

"Wendell, just trust me—,"

"No!" Wendell shouted, loudly enough that a few people looked up. He looked around self-consciously and whispered, "I could never trust you."

Ludo studied him. Anger, and fear. That's the expression he read. He saw the same emotions on Eleanor's face right before he obliviated her.

"Everything ok here?" asked the barman, clearing both Ludo and Wendell's empty bottles.

"Yes," said Wendell, still glaring at Ludo.

"Ok then," said the man, before disappearing behind the bar.

"Don't talk to me anymore," said Wendell, who swiped his notebook back, and turned to face the bar.

Ludo could have left it at that. He should have left it at that. But his moral compass had never pointed due north, and he couldn't stand the thought of someone else knowing he was a criminal. Especially someone who didn't trust him. He was supposed to be in hiding.

Maybe he could fix it. He fished for his wand in his pocket, making sure to slip it almost entirely up his sleeve before pulling it out. He pointed his forearm toward Wendell, who must have felt Ludo's gaze on him, because he turned toward him.

Wendell's gaze drifted down to Ludo's sleeve, and his eyebrows shot up. "What the hell are you—"

"Obliviate," muttered Ludo, and he watched the anger and recognition fade from Wendell's eyes, and they were suddenly strangers again. Wendell turned back to the pages of his notebook, and ran his fingers over the words Draco Dormiens Nunquam Tittilandus. Ludo felt his stomach sink as he mourned the loss of a potential friendship. Part of him wanted to try again, because he really could help Wendell, and Wendell seemed just as lonely as Ludo. He opened his mouth to speak, and almost introduced himself for the second time.

But he didn't. Even though his moral compass wasn't always correct, it sometimes got close, and at this moment, it seemed like the right thing to do was to let Wendell be. So he held his tongue, and hoped he would find his daughter someday. Ludo fished his wallet out of his pocket, and left enough muggle money on the bar to cover Wendell's last three drinks.

"I'll have a Newcastle."

It was the last thing Ludo heard Wendell say, before he stood up, and left the bar.

#hp fanfic #hp ficlet #hp fandom #hp fanfiction

10 notes · View notes

ask-edd · 4 years

Note

do you have a favorite song?

((You’ve activated my special interest, I shall now talk about music for way too fucking long

Under the cut cause it’s gonna be long))

So I mentioned here some favorite songs, but since it’s just about 4am and I have nothing better to do, I’ll expand on that list

In no particular order from my fav bands

Fav Sonata Arctica songs

- Shy - San Sebastian - Wolf & Raven - Kingdom for a Heart - FullMoon - Replica

Fav Autoheart songs (I love literally all of them but I”m not gonna put their entire discography here so here’s some recommendations for if you wanna get into the band yourself)

- Lent - Stalker’s Tango - My Hallelujah - Control - The Sailor Song - Robbing Banks - Anniversary - Agoraphobia - Heartbreaker - Moscow - Foolishly Wrong - Murky Waters

Fav Ghost songs

- I’m a Marionette - Witch Image - Mary on a Cross - Dance Macabre - Kiss the Go-Goat - Rats - Year Zero - Monstrance Clock - Cirice - Square Hammer - He Is

Fav Streetlight Manifesto songs

- Keasbey Nights - One Foot on the Gas, One Foot in the Grave - A Better Place, a Better Time - Everything Went Numb - Point/Counterpoint - We Will Fall Together - Would You Be Impressed?

Fav Red Vox songs

- From the Stars - In the Garden - Job in the City - Back to School - We Had a Little Talk - There She Goes - Atom Bomb

Fav TWRP songs

- The No Pants Dance - Phantom Racer - Life Party - Starlight Brigade - Tactile Sensation - Rock n Roll Best Friends - Body Image - Atomic Karate - The Hit

Fav NSP songs (and covers)

- I Don’t Know What We’re Talking About - Nights on Broadway - Glory of Love - Heart Boner - Orgy for One - First Date - Cool Patrol - Danny Don’t You Know - Three Minutes of Ecstasy - Pour Some Sugar on Me - In Your Eyes - Don’t Lose My Number - The Decision - Everybody Shut Up (I Have an Erection) - Peppermint Creams - Subdivisions - Rock With You - Road Trip

Fav Richie Branson songs (for those who watch Camp Camp, this is the guy who does all the outro songs from season 2 onwards)

- Not Myself - I, for one, Welcome Our Robot Overlords - Bon Bon Voyage - Underpaid and Overqualified - Outro Outro - Keeper of the Flame - Cult of Personality

Fav Jeff Williams (RWBY) songs

- All that Matters - Lionize - Forever Fall - Bad Luck Charm - All Our Days - Let’s Just Live - Home - Cold - This LIfe is Mine - Like Morning Follows Night - RWBY vs FNKI - Not Fall in Love with You - Red Like Roses Part 1 and 2 - Boop - Shine - This Will Be the Day

Fav Reel Big Fish songs

- Beer - Sell Out - Nothing But a Good Time - Brown Eyed Girl - Everyone Else is an Asshole - Take On Me - Life Sucks... Let’s Dance! - Another FU Song

Fav Living Tombstone songs/remixes

- Drunk - My Ordinary Life - Don’t Tattle on Me - No Mercy - Epoch - It’s Raining Men - Squid Melody Blue - Dog of Wisdom Remix Blue - Die in a Fire - It’s Been So Long - Five Nights at Freddy’s 1 Song - The Road to El Dorado Remix - Fun Dead Theme - Collecting Cookies - Hampire - Pinkie’s Brew - Good Girl - Mine Turtle - Tom’s Dog - Smile Song - Discord - September

Fav ABBA songs

- Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight) - Voulez-Vous - SOS - Money Money - Super Trouper - Mamma Mia - Take a Chance on Me - Dancing Queen - Knowing Me, Knowing You

Fav Mystery Skulls songs

- Heaven - When I’m With You - The Future - Every Note - Soul on Fire - Freaking Out - Money - Paralyzed - Hellbent - Forever - Magic - Ghost - Losing My Mind

Fav Glass Animals songs

- Toes - Black Mambo - Season 2 Episode 3 - Youth - Gooey - The Other Side of Paradise - Pork Soda - Your Love (Deja Vu)

Fav Saint Motel Songs

- You Can Be You - Move - Van Horn - My Type - Sweet Talk

Fav The Hoosiers songs

- Killer - Goodbye Mr A - Up to No Good - Worried About Ray - A Sadness Runs Through Him

Weird meme-y mashups and bits from Youtube

- Text to Speech by Louie Zong - Korn - Coming Undone But It’s Pony By Ginuwine by William Maranci - U Got That | JJBA Requiem Version (Giorno’s Theme Remix) by Reii-kun - Plastic JoJo - Sono Chi No Future Funk (plastic love+JJBA) by Seventh Sage - Aaron Grooves - Jazzy Note Blocks (Animation vs. Minecraft) by GuckTube YT - Kanye West but make it Disney by John Fassold - Sober Black Horse - KT Tunstall vs Evanescence (Mashup) by oneboredjeu Mashup - Scanty & Kneesocks’ Absolute Territory, This WIll Be the Fighting Gold, Lone Friends on the Wild Side, and CARAMELLGASSIN’ by Triple-Q

rq special mention to a few AMVs everyone should see - Anime’s Got Talent - Edited with JazzsVids & ReplayStudios by AmvLuna - Speedwagon Slamjam (AWA Pro 2015 Best Action) - JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure AMV by irriadin - Hero AMV (Ultimate Cartoon Tribute) by Writermist - Spirit Never Dies Anime AMV by Rajiv Andrade

And then some random favs

- 12 Feet Deep by The Front Bottoms - Set On You (Life in Toronto) by Billy’s Bones) - Naked and Love the Way You Move by Slightly Left of Centre - She’s So High by Tal Bachman - Dangerous by LEFT BOY - I Don’t Wanna Be in Love by Good Charlotte - Wild Side by ALI - In the End, Crawling, Papercut, Numb, Breaking the Habit, New Divide, and What I’ve Done by Linkin Park - Picture Frames and Everything Falls Apart by rei brown - Romeo and Juliet, Sex in the City, Peach Scone, and Creve Coeur 1 by Hobo Johnson - Kangaroo Court by Capital Cities - Campfire Light by Tequila & The Sunrise Gang - Cola Song by INNA - Here Comes the Hotstepper (Remix) by Baby & Me - Bruises by Fox Stevenson - Shut up and Dance by WALK THE MOON - Applejack, Feed Me with Your Heart, Lullaby for a Princess, and The Moon Rises by Ponyphonic - Kiss Me by Sixpence None the Richer - So Good by Bratz - Dark Paradise by Lana Del Rey - Amhran Na Farraige by Lisa Hannigan - A Moment of Silence by Dan P - Rockefeller Street (New Nightcore) by Getter Jaani - Broken Record, 15 Reading Homestuck on the Internet, and Chamomile by atlas - Thumbnail by Louie Zong - Baby Hotline by Jack Stauber - Hey Jealousy by Gin Blossoms (and the cover by Hit the Lights) - Spirit Never Die by Masterplan - Magnum Bullets by Night Runner - Tonight by Vague003 (and the original Total Eclipse of the Heart by Bonnie Tyler) - Hoodie by Hey Violet - Worst in Me by Unlike Pluto - A Night to Forget and Too Tired to Run by Cain’s Offering - Private Eye by Alkaline Trio - Karma and I’m Ready by AJR - Sorry Haha I Fell Asleep, Passing Papers, and Putting a Spin on Never Ever Getting Rid of Me by Egg - Cannibal by Tally Hall - interlude IV (Showtime) by Zach Callison - Scarborough Fair by Super Guitar Bros - Misery Business by Skatune Network - The Less I Know the Better by Tame Impala - Relatively by Faded Paper Figures - Schizophrenia, Under My Skin, and Victoria by Jukebox the Ghost

#mun #this was unnecessarily long but it be like that when you have ADHD and someone asks abt your special interest #Anonymous

17 notes · View notes

evien-stark · 4 years

Text

✧I Need You✧ Chapter 84

Eventually realizing that Coulson ignoring your calls meant he was too busy to get back to you, you had to resort to other methods of finding a SHIELD employed therapist to snatch up. ...assuming there was one. But there had to be. Or you hoped there was, otherwise all this time delaying waiting for Coulson had just been a waste. Fury was out, of course. Preferring not to speak to Nick unless absolutely necessary. That was the way your relationship with him worked best. You were sure he’d agree. You were also sure he wouldn’t totally approve of you trying to steal someone under his employ.

It was one of the first afternoons in April that you found Nat and Clint sitting at the Avenger’s Mess-hall kitchen table, eating sandwiches, talking and laughing amongst themselves, that you decided it was time to stop waiting and time to start making moves. And, you also decided, in the effort of not wasting any more time…

“Hey, does SHIELD have therapists?” Asked as you pulled up a chair. Getting right to the point.

They both looked at each other and then back at you. Nat arched her brow. “I don’t know if we’d call them therapists by… regular standards. What we have are more… field evaluation mediators.”

Tipping your head, “Meaning?”

Clint slung an arm over the back of his chair. “Meaning they’re the people in between you and going back to work, once you get off a particularly…” Hanging on the end of the word as he thought.

Nat helped, “Messy mission. You know. Lots of people put in the ground. That sort of thing. After that, before your next mission, you have to sit down with one of those people to evaluate your mental state.”

“They’re the worst.” Clearly Clint was not a fan. “Why do you want to know, anyway?”

“I’m trying to get a therapist for the Avengers.” And at that, Nat and Clint shared a side-eye with one another before making an effort not to burst out into laughter. But there was laughter. “I’m serious!” Feeling frustrated. And perhaps embarrassed. “I don’t think I can just get someone off the street for the shit we’ve been through- even if you guys don’t like the idea- I would like one. And I think some of us would benefit from having someone qualified to talk to, too.” Taking one for the team, practicing what you were trying to preach. So on and so forth. Hoping if you came out and just said it, everyone else would feel more confident about it.

Clint took a bite of his sandwich, shaking his head. Mouth half full, “You mean Tony. Right?”

“I mean all of us.” Immediately not okay with the idea of them piling on him. Sure… even he had said it himself a while back. He was a piping hot mess. But so was everyone else. You were sure of it. “Aliens came to New York. I don’t know about you guys, but that’s not normal. And I’d like to start trying to unpack all of it.”

“What’s there to unpack?” Clint seemed hard pressed to give in to this idea.

“Something beyond our understanding tried to take over earth. And there’s probably more where that came from. There were- I don’t fucking know- armored space whales and tech I’ve never seen before- and we killed like- a lot of them without thinking about it- and I’d like to talk to someone about it.” It all sort of just came out of you, as you assumed it might.

“You’re talking right now. Don’t you feel better already?” Clint, grinning at you.

Nat put a hand on his arm, silencing him. Perhaps sensing his humor wasn’t going to help the situation. “I think I know someone. You want me to set up a meeting?”

“Yes. Thank you.”

----

Deja, the therapist’s name was. “Vu, I assume.” Tony had said the night previous, while the two of you lingered around the edge’s of sleep, wrapped in each other’s arms. Making jokes to ease his own discomfort. He’d promised he’d see a therapist. Now you had one- provided everything went okay. So… he had to go.

“Linit, actually.” You’d corrected him, and tried to soothe him. You guessed it was normal to be nervous. You were sort of nervous too. But this was good… right?

Of course you’d prepared just about a mountain of paperwork for her to get through, and secured her her own private office- just in case this was a permanent thing. Maybe it would be. Maybe it wouldn’t. But before you could even get down to making sure she was a good fit, she had just about a hundred NDAs to sign. Because maybe this was foolish. Maybe superheroes were just meant to suffer.

Because trusting a stranger to listen to all their problems, all their secrets… that was foolish, wasn’t it? What if she decided an NDA and whatever salary you were going to pay her wasn’t enough? What if she went to the press? Wrote a book? Exposed every little thing you or any of the other Avengers told her in confidence? How could you be so sure that she wouldn’t? Even if she was legally not allowed to do that… had that stopped people before?

But Nat had recommended her- and wasn’t this the reason you’d went with a SHIELD employee? To assuage these fears? So with all that in mind- and all the paperwork signed in triplicate…

You tried to ignore everyone else hovering about nervously as you sat down in her office- door open. This wasn’t a session. It was more an introduction. You just weren’t in the right state of mind to make a good impression, unfortunately. Where you perhaps should have handled this with more care, your Stark Industries business sense was driving your motion. Your thoughts.

“Thanks for agreeing to meet- and signing all those papers. Let me just start off by asking what you hope to get out of this?” Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. You were not welcoming her into your proverbial home. You were probably going to scare her away. But, at the same time, she wasn’t the last resort. And maybe she wasn’t a good fit. You couldn’t let yourself just get comfortable yet.

She seemed to take it in stride, smiling. “The same thing as you, hopefully. But let me be frank, and just between us… I’m happy to get picked up from SHIELD. I went there thinking I was going to make a difference. But signing off on soldiers’ mental states just so they can go back out into the field… that’s not why I wanted to become a psychologist.”

Was she being too open? Divulging too much to lull you into a false sense of security? Saying exactly what you wanted to hear so that you’d give in and tell her all your secrets?

Or perhaps you were being too paranoid. And perhaps she was just trying to be frank, honest, and open about her desires. What had led her here, to you. Genuinely happy for a turn of events. ....hard to say which was the truth. Or was it?

Maybe this was the perfect time to utilize a little sense. So you focused in on her. Just a little. Was she being honest? ...sure seemed like it… sure… felt like it… but maybe this, too, was an act. After all, even if Tony had obliterated your files with SHIELD, surely they had rebuilt them by now. Had them hidden on some secret server. Maybe she knew all about you, and knew just what to do to try and fool you-

“You seem hesitant.” Said after a lengthy pause of your own. Too in your head. “I understand the process of finding the right person for a position this… delicate must be challenging.”

“Delicate is putting it mildly. I’m sure you’ve seen the news, and considering your employer, you know who you’d potentially be dealing with. Let me just ask, do you think you could help them?” Them including you of course, but that didn’t need to be said right now. Just trying to be the intermediary for your team. You wanted the best for them…

“That’s a loaded question. I could smile at you and say yes, sign more paperwork and take a check. Come in every week and listen and try my best- but it isn’t that simple. And… I suspect you understand that. Every person is going to approach my services differently. Let’s start here- what do you want out of therapy?”

What you wanted? -or, simpler put, what was the point of this? Why, everyone else aside, were you trying to hire someone to help you? What kind of help did you want? What did you want to accomplish?

Fanning your hands out over your pants, you realized you were fidgeting. Just a little. Was it your anxiety you wanted to work on? Your jumbled thoughts? Your… “I need someone to help me process all of this. I… need help unpacking all of it. My life wasn’t like this, even just six years ago. And I need help… adjusting.” Everything had happened in so short a time. Tony had gotten kidnapped. Tony had come back. You’d fallen helplessly in love. People kept trying to kill one or the both of you. The world had changed. There were superheroes and aliens and gods.

How was a person supposed to deal with all of that?

Deja went quiet for a moment a little too long- long enough to make you uncomfortable, in your vulnerability. She put her hands together. Her smile was delicate. “Therapy isn’t a one-and-done. I can sit here. And I can listen. And I can try to help you put things in order, to prioritize, to make sense. But part of the work is on you, too. Do you think you’re ready?”

Ready? Ready for what? To make changes? To unpack? Unload? Try and make sense of it all? “I’ll get less ready to more I keep putting it off- and- I want to emphasize. This isn’t just about me.”

“I understand that. But you can’t force them to sit here and try and help themselves any more than I can. If they want to sit down, I’ll focus on them when they’re ready. But while I’m speaking to you, I want to get a sense of what we can accomplish together.”

“Are you scared of any of them?” You had no idea why that had come out of you so suddenly. Maybe in an attempt to cover up your own insecurities while she was reading you so openly and trying to get you to commit to plans. You were dodging her.

Such a good sign that you needed help, right?

“Are you?” She looked over you, casting a serious glance over the rim of her glasses.

“No.” But you worked with them. Knew them intimately. Loved them. They were part of your family now.

“Then why ask me?” Calling you out.

“This job will no doubt be tougher than the ones you did for SHIELD, regardless of if you liked those ones or not. I’m just… trying to get a sense of things.” Sort of lying, but sort of not.

“I’m not afraid of a challenge. ...Banner makes me a little nervous. If you want my honesty. But clearly he has a handle on… everything. I think I’ll be fine.” Her blunt honesty made you feel a little better, somehow. “And, listen… I’m no stranger to my clients being distrustful. I think it tends to go hand in hand with the locales. But this can’t work unless you do trust me, and decide you can be open with me. I’m willing to come as long as it takes until you get there. As long as you think you will. Eventually.”

You understood what she was saying. Trying to impart that she didn’t want this to be a waste of her time any more than you wanted to waste yours. Were you willing to put in the work? Were you willing to let your guard down? Were you willing to be open and honest? ...that was the whole point of this, right? What were you looking for therapists for the Avengers in the first place, if not for all that? But maybe it had been easier just trying to do the scouting and not… thinking about what it all actually meant, had it ever come together.

“What I know is…” You took a deep breath. Deciding… deciding it was time, now, to start trying. “I haven’t been doing well. I’m not a complete mess, I can go about my life. I can work. I can get things done. But a few months ago, I was having meltdowns of slightly epic proportions. I can’t continue to live like that.” Not just for you, but for the consequences it unearthed for the innocent people around you. “And I just have the feeling that my life is going to get harder, the longer we- ...the longer the Avengers are a thing.”

Her eyes drifted low, seemingly in thought. Her hands folded together again, and she sat back. “Do you envision a time when the Avengers aren’t a thing?”

“I don’t know. It seems impossible right now. Like we might be doing this forever. Because threats don’t just disappear.”

“Do you want to do it forever?”

The question stopped you cold. You’d been thinking about this, a little frantically and disjointedly, a few separate times. Was this your life forever now? Was there a future outside of this? What about you and Tony? What sort of future could you have as a couple if crazy world-ending shit was happening all the time? Or kidnappings and attempted murder?

“No.”

The answer hurt you. Surprised you, too. But it was honest.

“Not forever.”

“But you don’t think you can stop?”

Your anxiety spiked, a cold tightness in your chest. Flight response pushed at the corners of your brain. You didn’t want to be with the Avengers forever. That was out there now. Out there in the world. “Hey- this seems like a session- I think we’d better finish up your paperwork and get you on payroll- make it official.” You were on your feet. Knowing how obvious this all was, to someone like her. Hell. Anyone. You weren’t being terribly secretive right now.

“Is this official?” She let you get away with it anyway, smiling up your way.

“I think we can move forward. We can’t tell if it’s not a good fit until we work with each other a little more- and- them too- don’t forget.”

“I’m not forgetting.” She stood, offering her hand out. “It’s been a pleasure. When can I look forward to sitting down with you again?”

You gave her hand a firm shake. “How about next week. Monday work for you?”

Her laugh surprised you. “Technically I work for you now, once I sign my name on a few more dotted-lines. What’s best for your schedule?”

“Monday evening.” That was a lie. Nothing was ever going to be good for your schedule. But you’d push things around to make an attempt at making this a regular thing. You had to. For your own sake. “I’ll try to push a few of the others your way, too.”

“Not too hard. I don’t want them to reject the idea of this outright. It won’t help anyone.”

Nodding, “Understood. I’ll send Pepper in here to help you get set up. You like the office?”

“It’s very nice. Thank you.”

“Good.”

Great. Wonderful. Fantastic.

----

Because everyone seemed to be avoiding you, for no reason at all, you and Tony opted for a quiet dinner at the penthouse. While you’d ordered in, you still unboxed everything and plated it. Dinner was eaten in the living room in front of a TV neither of you was really listening to. In fact, Tony had been talking about something. Research in the lab- suits- you were listening. Honest. But… it wasn’t all sticking. You were still thinking about what Deja had said. More importantly, what you had said. And after dinner was over, you followed him into the kitchen. Leaning your elbows onto the counter in a slow slide, you put your chin in your upturned palms, watching him as he washed the dishes. Just as he got to drying the last plate, you couldn’t hold it in anymore.

“Do you think we’ll be part of the Avengers forever?”

He lowered the plate, looking up for a moment, then grinned lightly, shaking his head. “You spoke to her like what- twenty minutes? She that good?”

“I think I like her.” Honestly you weren’t actually sure yet. But she seemed honest. And nice. And willing to work hard. And try and help. What more could you ask for? “But… it wasn’t really a session.”

“Yet here you are after not listening to anything I said this evening, thinking about our future with the superfriends.”

“I listened.” Protesting. But you sensed he didn’t believe you. ...he was right. “I just… what’s the point we’re working towards? Are we going to be on-call for the rest of our lives? Or are we… are we going to reach a point where we don’t have to worry anymore?”

He set the plate down in the drying rack, slinging the dish towel over his shoulder. Going to you as you stood and then sat back atop the counter, his hands cradled your hips. “If you’re looking to me for guidance on this… I don’t have any right now. I’ve been thinking about this, too. And I don’t know.” You appreciated his honesty, even if it was blunt and put an unease in your heart. You would rather that than him lying. “Do I want to live in a world where eventually we finish and get to go home? Of course I do. ...do we live in that world?”

Your eyes left his. Feeling almost guilty. Because it seemed obvious. How could you? How could evil ever just be gone from the world? Not even the small threats that didn’t concern a team like the Avengers. But the bigger ones. How could you believe they’d just one day be gone forever?

You couldn’t. “No.” Feeling a forlorn sense of sorrow over this realization.

Reaching one hand up, he tipped your chin, angling your eyes back towards his. “I love you.” Despite the grimness of the situation, this, as always, got a small smile out of you. Made you feel better. “Do we live in that world right now? No. I don’t think so. But that doesn’t mean we won’t ever.”

“That’s pretty optimistic, for you.” Sliding your hands up his chest, you beckoned him closer. Eventually wrapping your arms around him, resting your head on his shoulder.

He gave you a squeeze, his head laying atop yours. “Realism is more my thing. You’re saying it’s not realistic to think we could achieve a… balance?”

“I don’t know.” Mumbling into his shirt. “I hope so.”

“I can work with hope.”

#Tony Stark #Tony Stark x Reader #INY Chapter Eighty Four

6 notes · View notes

tintinwrites · 6 years

Text

fifty ways to kiss someone | Poe Dameron x Reader | Part Twenty-Eight

A/N: And you guys thought I was really apologizing for part twenty-seven lol

Rating: T

Warning: Mentions of execution. Naughty words.

Word count: 1,204??????????

Prompt: 28. A kiss as a lie

Summary: "I suppose you should know that your pilot is going to be executed in the morning."

"—what?" You were sure your heart fell out and was somewhere on the floor, or at least that's what it felt like. Any false confidence you put on quickly vanished and your fear was evident in your eyes.

Masterlist

Tags: @yourwonderbelle @fireboltrose7559 @lilaqueenquinn

You were taken to what had to be the First Order's new base, which was already perfect and fully stocked with supplies, as if they'd had it for years.

It paid to be rich and to intimidate people to get what you wanted.

Or kill them to get it.

You had been pacing back and forth in your cell since you were locked in it. Barely anyone even passed by and you wondered what they were doing; how much they could have done to Poe in the hours you'd been separated from him.

You didn't even know how many hours. You tried to keep track and lost count after a while, since it was hard to remember with the numbers only in your head.

You were getting kind of tired. You knew that much. It didn't seem like a wise idea to fall asleep, though.

And, anyway, you felt wide awake when you turned and saw General Hux standing outside of your cell, gasping at his sudden presence. "Oh." His tone held mock guilt. "Did I frighten you?"

"—you surprised me. There's a difference." You straightened up, giving him the most level look you could in your state of worry and slight panic. "What have you done with Poe?"

He furrowed his brow. "Poe— ah, your pilot. Our Supreme Leader retrieved some glorious information from him about your little Resistance." There was something interesting in the way he mentioned the 'Supreme Leader', who you assumed to be Kylo Ren now. He said the name with this air of hatred that seemed odd when they were on the same side. "It almost seemed like deja vu, if such a thing existed."

"Why haven't you done anything to me? I know just as much as he does."

"He's been quite sacrificial." He smirked, looking as if he wanted to laugh. If he was capable of such a happy act. "He begged us not to harm you."

"And you listened?" You moved closer to the cell door, eyeing him warily.

"I thought it may be more enjoyable to let him think you're safe and then kill you." He moved closer, too, and lowered his voice to a whisper. "Or, better yet, let him think you're safe and then bring you to our side."

You stared. The bars on the door were just wide enough to allow you to spit right in his face, so you did. "I will never be on your side." You should have been more scared, but you didn't want them to see you whimpering.

He was practically trembling with rage as he reached a gloved hand up to wipe the spit off of his cheek, his usual smirk replaced with a scowl. "All you rebel scum are the same disgusting, loathsome creatures. You are no better than animals!" He took a few heaving breaths as if to calm himself down, then he stretched his muscles and his smirk returned. It was more sinister and less amused now. "I suppose you should know that your pilot is going to be executed in the morning."

"Yes. And the whole galaxy will watch us rid it of the Resistance's poster boy." He turned on his heel smoothly and began to walk away.

"Wait!" You were surprised that he actually turned back around. "Let me see him." You paused, knowing you would have to butter him up if it were possible. "Please?"

"Now you play the role of the compliant prisoner." He walked back, smiling at the way you were gripping the bars on the door. "How will this benefit me?" He lightly touched your knuckles and you quickly yanked your hands away.

He gave you this look that had you reluctantly putting them back. "Why does it have to benefit you?"

There was a long moment where he just stared at you.

"Very well. If only because your anguish will be payment enough." He turned and left without another word.

You leaned heavily against the door, one hand moving to cover your mouth as you let out a sob.

Poe was going to be executed and there was no way the two of you could fight the entire First Order to get out of it. If the Resistance didn't find out you were here — wherever here was — and get to you within whatever hours were left before morning, Poe was going to be killed.

You managed to calm yourself slightly by the time two stormtroopers and General Hux came back, but you completely broke down the moment you saw Poe's face. He frowned, trying to move to you, only to be pulled back as the stormtroopers started to unlock the restraints that kept his hands in front of him.

"Leave them on."

Bastard. You were too busy crying to actually call Hux the name, backing away from the cell door as it was opened. You could have tried running out, but Poe would be taken away at best and you would be killed at worst.

You immediately wrapped your arms around him, not caring that the cuffs dug into you, sobbing against his chest.

"Hey...shh..." He couldn't hold you, so he settled for pressing a kiss to your head. "I'm here now. I'm fine, see?"

You pulled away, shaking your head and gazing up at him. "No, no, you don't understand. He said you were going to be executed in the morning. He told me that you were going to be executed and I don't know how I'm going to stop it—"

"I know!" He reached up to cup your face despite the cuffs. "I know. It's gonna be fine." His eyes searched your face, before he leaned down and kissed you deeply. The kiss lasted for a good while before he pulled himself away. "I'm gonna be fine, baby."

Doubt and fear flashed through his eyes.

It was brief, but it was there, and it told you everything that you didn't want to know.

You nodded. If he was going to be murdered by his enemies for millions to see, you would let him think you believed him.

He looked exhausted, which you supposed was bound to happen when you have someone inside your head, so you helped him over to the cell's bed. It wasn't even close to comfy, but at least he could sit down.

"Come here." He lifted his arms and you moved under them, laying against his chest. "You know, hope is like the sun—"

"Don't. Please don't. Because when the sun comes up, you'll—" You closed your eyes tightly, fighting back tears. "Just hold me."

And he did. You laid there in silence for a while, listening to his heart.

You would remember his heartbeat. You would remember his voice, and his smile, and his laugh, and his hands, and his eyes, and his hair, and his gentleness, and his pride, and his touch, and the way he kissed you.

You just wished they didn't have to be nothing more than memories.

#poe dameron imagine #poe dameron x reader #star wars imagine #poe dameron fic #Hux is a little creepy #based on the deleted scene with Rose #I'm still not sure if I'm doing him justice #I only feel decently confident with Poe lol #anyway does this chapter hurt #you guys gotta let me know ;)#fifty ways to kiss someone

281 notes · View notes

lolablackwrites · 5 years

Text

Writer’s Retreat, Part 23 - Chris x MC

Summary: MC (Charlotte) and Chris finally have the discussion they should’ve had in the first place.

CW: Brief mention of pregnancy loss

Notes: Sorry, Zig stans! I know some of you were disappointed with how this turned out. Trust me, I adore Zig, but I personally felt like Chris and Charlotte ultimately had a stronger connection. Hopefully this section helps to demonstrate that but, if not, then I still appreciate that you took the time to read my work 💕

Thank you to everyone who has been so encouraging and supportive of this series so far, you are all wonderful and I appreciate you so much ❤️ We’re at the end! Only an epilogue to go and then we say goodbye for now (although there’s a very good chance some of these characters will show up in The Boxer AU . . . stay tuned . . .

If you’re new to this series, you can check out the previous installments here: Part 1 , Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15,Part 16, Part 17, Part 18, Part 19, Part 20, Part 21, Part 22.

Tagging: @mfackenthal, @i-dream-so-i-write, @enmchoices, @bruhvs, @maxattack-powell, @kennaxval, @hhiggs, @tmarie82, @regrettingnathan, @littlegreenmoo, @sunglassy, @mimiashton, @syltti78, @moodygrip, @hamulau, @zigthetwig, @zilch3, @greyeyedsmile14, @shirinalshabra, @josieschoices, @mr-sinclaire, @bobasheebaby, @emerald-bijou

Fanfic Master List

Chris led Charlotte into the living room and turned on a lamp, gesturing for her to sit down. She sat on one end of the couch and Chris sat beside her, a respectful amount of space between them.

“Did I wake you?” she asked.

“Kind of, but it’s okay, I’m glad you did,” he reassured her. “Although I was expecting a phone call, not you on my doorstep.”

“Yeah, I . . . didn’t call.”

“I gathered.”

She glanced at him and was relieved to see a small smile twitch at the corners of his lips.

“So . . . you said you wanted to talk,” Charlotte said, feeling both as if she was bursting with things to say and equally unable to say anything.

“Yeah,” Chris said. He stared down at his hands. “I . . . I’m sorry for the way I handled things at the flower shop. I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”

“Chris, wait,” Charlotte said, turning to look at him. “You were right. I should’ve stayed so we could talk more. I . . . god, sorry, I’m not very good at explaining myself, I’m much better on paper.”

“Charlotte, you don’t have to explain anything to me if you don’t want to,” Chris said gently.

“No, I want to. You’ve always been really open and honest with me, and I want to do that for you. There’s a lot I wanted to say that day, but I didn’t.” She took a deep breath. “Okay, I’m just going to start over.” She stood up, feeling too keyed up to sit still, and started to pace in front of the coffee table. “About a year ago, I ran into James and we started seeing each other even though he was engaged. I knew he was engaged, but I did it anyway. I cared about James and at first, I figured just a little bit of him was better than none of him. Then I started to hate myself for what I--what we--were doing, but I didn’t stop. I just went along with it, hoping he’d pick me.”

She swallowed hard and glanced over at Chris, who was watching her with a neutral, unreadable expression on his face. “Then the wedding plans started moving forward and my editor started to bug me about my next book, so James came up with the solution of lending me his cabin. He conveniently stashed me up here while he was getting married; I don’t know if he thought I was going to show up and make some kind of scene, but he made sure to put a lot of distance between us. But I still heard from him when I was up here. He called me during his bachelor party and told me he wished he was marrying me instead of his wife, and that he loved me. But then he married her anyway and took off on their honeymoon. He sent me a postcard from Paris, but I ripped it up. I wanted to be done with him.”

“But then he showed up.”

Charlotte nodded. “Then he showed up. I had no idea he was coming. After you left that morning, he and I talked and he wanted our relationship to continue, but I said no and I ended it. He offered to let me stay in his cabin for as long as I wanted--he called it the divorce settlement we’ll never have--but I couldn’t stay there.”

She stopped pacing and looked at Chris. “The whole thing with Nicole . . . when she told my you were engaged, I just felt like I was falling back into the same shitty pattern I’ve been in for the last year. I realize how hypocritical that was of me to get so upset and just take off like that, but I was having such a deja vu feeling and I just had to get out of there.”

“That . . . makes a lot more sense,” Chris said. “I wish you’d told me that before.”

“I wish I had, too,” Charlotte said. “I told you, I’m better on paper than in person.”

“I don’t know, I think you’re pretty okay in person,” he said with a half smile.

“I have more to tell you,” she said quickly, not wanting to lose her nerve.

“Okay.”

“So, remember how we said we weren’t exclusive?” Chris nodded. “Okay, well, I was seeing someone else in town this summer as well.”

Chris shrugged. “Okay.”

Charlotte stared at him. “You’re not upset?”

He shrugged again. “We weren’t exclusive, I don’t feel like I have a right to be upset. Admittedly, I’m a little jealous because I want you all to myself, but that’s my issue, not yours.”

Want. Present tense.

“But you got so upset about James.”

He sighed. “It wasn’t that you were seeing someone else. I guess it was more of a reactionary thing because you got so upset over the Nicole thing while keeping this big secret from me about actually being involved with someone who was engaged. Look, I’m not proud of how I reacted in my office. I guess . . . I don’t know, I’d just told you about everything that happened with the . . . this miscarriage,” he said, slightly tripping over the word, “and I felt kind of . . . embarrassed.”

“Embarrassed how?”

“Embarrassed like I’d opened up so much and told you so much, about my mom and Nicole and everything else, but you were holding me at arm’s length. I just felt kind of stupid, like I was putting it all out there but you didn’t trust me enough to be honest about what you were dealing with.”

“Chris . . .”

“No, it’s my own fault. My pride took a hit and I lashed out. Like I said, I’m really not proud of that day.” He took a deep breath and leaned back on the couch, looking down at his hands. “I was also upset that you didn’t want to stay in Hull so we could talk more, like this,” he said, gesturing between them. “But then once you left, I realized this wasn’t about me. You’ve been dealing with a lot and you needed some breathing room to figure things out. I figured if you wanted to talk to me, you would. I didn’t want to push you. I wasn’t even going to text you, but . . . I don’t know, I guess I couldn’t help myself. Believe me, it took a lot of restraint to not just get in my truck and drive down to Boston the day you left.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“Like I said, you seemed like you needed space and I wanted to respect that.” Chris looked up at her. He regarded her for a moment before speaking again, softer than before. “Charlotte, why are you here? Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad to see you, but . . . why?”

Charlotte looked down at the floor, unsure of how to begin. “I had an interesting conversation with my sister tonight. About an hour into my drive here, I called her, convinced I was doing something completely stupid. She pointed out to me that I’ve spent a lot of my life letting other people make my decisions for me and she’s right; I tend to let life happen to me rather than actually experiencing what I want.” She hesitated for a moment, but forged onward. “I didn’t really plan to drive up here tonight,” Charlotte said, gesturing to her leggings and Trash Panda shirt, “but I’m glad I did. Even if this blows up in my face, I’m still going after what I want.” She paused, suddenly aware of how dry her mouth felt. “Which is you. Just you.”

Chris stayed very still, his eyes locked on hers. Charlotte felt herself begin to panic, but she forced her voice to stay calm. “I don’t know how that would even work out because I live in Boston and you’re very established here, but Kaitlyn says I talk too much about geography--”

Her words were cut off when Chris suddenly stood up and jumped over his coffee table to reach her, cupping her face in his hands and kissing her. She kissed him back, covering his hands with hers. When he pulled back from her, his eyes were shining with unspilled tears, but his voice was steady.

“I’m in love with you, Charlotte,” he said, his eyes meeting hers. “And your sister is right, you do talk too much about geography.”

“Oh my god, you scared me!” Charlotte exclaimed, swatting at his stomach. “You’ve been so stoic since I got here, I thought you were going to kick me out and make me sleep in my car.”

“When would I ever do something like that?” Chris said, pulling her into a tight hug. “And I wasn’t trying to be stoic, I was listening to you!”

“Oh, sure, just respect me by listening to what I have to say,” she muttered.

Chris laughed. “I know, I’m the worst.”

“The absolute worst,” Charlotte agreed, tilting her face up towards his to kiss him. “And that’s why I love you.”

He smiled and brushed the hair back from her face. “I’m not perfect. I don’t always think before I speak and I can be kind of a jackass. But I’m all in, if you’ll have me.”

“I guess you’ll do.” She dissolved into laughter when Chris tickled her sides. “Okay, okay! I’m all in, too.” Charlotte paused. “And speaking of all in . . . does the offer to go to Germany still stand?”

Chris let go of her and headed into the kitchen, leaving Charlotte standing there, confused.

“Okay, not the response I expected,” she said under her breath. Chris returned a moment later, holding an envelope. He held it out to her and she took it. When she opened it, she found a plane ticket to Berlin with her name on it. “You already bought my ticket?”

He shrugged with a smile. “I was hopeful.”

Epilogue

If you enjoy my writing style, please consider supporting me on Patreon! 💕

20 notes · View notes

alittledizzy · 6 years

Text

Title: lean with it Rating: PG Word Count: 1695 words Summary: Sometimes Dan has to say things, even if Phil doesn't really want to hear them. (An anti-jealousy fic.) Notes: Written for @europeansoul for my thirty minute fics for charity fundraiser to benefit PhandomGives.

[read on AO3]

Dan has the strong sense of deja vu as he stands in duty free and watches a man try far too enthusiastically to sell Phil a bottle of cologne.

The man has blonde hair and he's taller by a couple of inches. Not Dan's type. Not Phil's either, not really. He's slender and attractive, with the hint of a tattoo peeking out under a shirt sleeve and a silver hoop in one ear not unlike Dan's own.

He's fit. Dan's eyes wander down, lingering on his ass. Phil's got a better one, but Dan can still appreciate.

"He was trying to pick you up," Dan says as soon as Phil makes his way back to where Dan's at. Phil's got a bag that Dan is quite sure contains no cologne but probably far too many sweets.

"He was not," Phil scoffs.

"Okay," Dan says. He waits thirty seconds. "But he was."

Phil gives him that look that Dan has come to recognize over the past few months, that weirdly bashful but hesitantly proud expression. Dan has a fondness for that expression, almost a pride over it. "No," Phil says. "He wasn't."

"He was," Dan immediately says. There's less conviction in his voice now. "He wanted your sexy body."

Phil snorts indelicately. "No one wants my sexy body."

"Excuse," Dan says, offended.

Phil rolls his eyes. "You don't count."

Dan can't help himself. One firm poke with his pointer finger, right to Phil's side. No one notices the poke, but plenty of people turn to stare when Phil yelps out a wounded sound. "I count," Dan says.

"No, you're just like." Phil makes a face. "Obligated."

"Phil." Dan sighs. "I'm tired, you know. I'm a busy guy. We're busy guys. We're on a fucking world tour. Don't make me schedule in time for some intense body worship kink action. I'll do it, but, you know, I'd rather just nap."

Phil laughs. "See there, that's what I mean. You'd rather nap than have sex."

"Like you wouldn't sometimes," Dan says.

"Sometimes," Phil acknowledges.

"Bet Mr. Buy My Overpriced Smelly Waters would rather hit it than nap," Dan says. "I can run back and ask him-"

He acts like he's going to stop and double backwards, even taking a few steps until Phil grabs his arm. "Stop that. You know they're going to stop let us wandering off on our own if we can't behave."

"We're behaving," Dan says. "Not behaving would be me blowing you in a public toilet, but I'm not fucking doing that, am I. Even if I like your dick in my mouth. Because you've got like, the best dick."

"What-" Phil squints at him. "Are you complimenting my dick to make me feel better?"

"Is it working?"

Phil shrugs. "I mean, I already know you like my dick. But someone can have a nice dick without like - a body, you know."

"You have a body," Dan says.

Phil looks like he's physically struggling with the words that come out of his mouth. "I don't have the kind of body that fit Finnish airport workers want to - hit."

And, ah - there it is, that something there, that nerve Dan's been brushing up against. "Yeah, Phil, you do," Dan says, letting a bit of that something not quite suited for their current environment seep into his words. "Because it's not about having a six pack, you know? People look at you. They notice you. You've got some kind of like, I dunno, striking thing about you. Especially since the hair."

Phil visibly tenses when Dan mentions his hair. He's got some shit to unpack, some things left to let go of.

It's not that Phil doesn't like how he looks now. It's just, Dan thinks, neither of them realized what a source of insecurity it was for him before. Vulnerability doesn't sit well with Phil, even in front of Dan sometimes.

"I'll strike you," Phil says, and they both know he's just filling the space between them with words that hold no meaning.

"Strike me with that big ole' d," Dan says, because he figures he's pushed hard enough for one day.

"You're the worst," Phil says, a blatant smile on his face.

"Have you got your introduction prepared yet?" Marianne asks, picking over her breakfast scramble.

"Yeah," Dan says. "I'm going to talk about how Phil got chatted up by his future husband in the airport when we flew in."

Phil drops his fork. "You are not!"

Marianne looks between them, one eyebrow raised. "Did he now?"

"No," Phil says at the same time Dan says the opposite.

"Might even work it into the show regularly, you know? When Phil's talking about his hair. Add in something about how he's got his forehead out for the lads, and the lads are definitely noticing."

Phil is staring daggers at him. Dan's perceptive enough to know that Phil is genuinely a bit annoyed Dan's bringing it up, but it's a new day and he's ready to push a few more buttons in the name of forward progression. Sometimes Phil needs another person to pry his fingers off the walls of his comfort zone.

"That'd go over well with the audience," Marianne says, forever diplomatic.

"You are not," Phil says again. "You are not putting that in the show."

"But you admit now that he was flirting?" Dan asks.

"I don't-" Phil stabs his fork ineffectively into his sticky, sugar-laden pastry. "I don't know why you're making such a thing of this."

"Would you look at that," Marianne says, looking down at her still mostly full plate. "Think I'll go back for seconds. Don't kill each other, boys. I don't want to have to be the one to explain that."

"I just think," Dan says, picking up the conversation from before as though there was no pause of almost forty eight hours. "That you need to accept that your sexiness. I know your whole thing is just like, owning that you're a pasty tall nerd, but you're also... you know."

Dan makes a hand gesture.

“I’m what?” Phil asks.

“Hot.” Dan does a little dance with his eyebrows.

Phil is not as amused as Dan had hoped. "I don't want to do this."

“Fine,” Dan says.

“Fine,” Phil says, and there’s a moment of silence.

But only a moment. Dan’s never been good at shutting up.

"You weren't like that when we met, you know," Dan says, licking yoghurt off his spoon. "Your self-confidence was part of what made you so attractive."

"I was twenty-two," Phil says. "Everyone thinks that way when they’re youn and dumb."

"Why is owning your sexiness a young thing?" Dan asks. "Or a dumb thing? I know you don't lack self-confidence in other ways. You're a functional, successful adult. You do our fucking taxes. Which is also hot, by the way. You don't feel the need to downplay any of that off-camera."

"That is a kink I will never understand," Phil says.

"Don't judge me." Dan kicks a leg out under the table, knocking his calf against Phil's. "Just admit you know you look good. I've seen the selfies you post. Hell, I've taken most of them. I know you get it. You just don't want to say so. But I know it feels nice to have someone who doesn't even know you think you're fit enough to flirt with."

"I just..." Phil's pastry is in forked apart pieces now, having taken the brunt of his frustration. "It doesn't matter, I guess. I don't need other people to find me attractive, it's not like I'm available. So it's easier to not think about it."

"You don't have to be available to enjoy people hitting on you," Dan says. "Validation is still validation. I mean, just don't go home with anyone. "

"Do you like it?" Phil asks, suddenly curious.

Dan smirks. "Maybe."

"Why?" Phil sounds perplexed.

"Because..." Dan licks another spoonful off, perhaps a bit more luxuriously than he needs to. "Because I do still think that you're the fucking sexiest person alive. What you said about me feeling obligated - it's not actually true. I may not jump you every time we're in a room alone together anymore, but we're both too old for that. Doesn't mean I don't love your fucking face, though. And the whole rest of you. I mean, sure, you've got a beak nose and your head is weird shaped and-"

"Wow, thanks," Phil says dryly.

"Shut up, let me finish. You've got a bird nose and your head is weird shaped and sometimes your roots grow out and it looks funny but you put it all together and it's just, stupidly hot, you know. As a whole package. The parts of you that aren't like a magazine cover are what make it work. I loved the emo fringe, I fell in love with the emo fringe, but you got rid of it and suddenly the whole rest of the world noticed that you're a whole fucking meal, Phil. And I want you to own that. I want you to feel as good about it as I do. My kink isn't other guys hitting on you, my kink is you enjoying it."

Dan finishes his monologue and sits back, awaiting a response.

"You're so weird," Phil says, but he smiles down at his food and, out of sight of everyone else, presses his leg against Dan's.

They're bouncing around with backstage jitters, listening to the thunderous voice of the crowd singing along to the pre-show playlist, when Phil suddenly stops and turns to Dan with an alarmed expression. "You still can't tell that story in the show."

"Ugh," Dan says, though he'd never really intended on doing it at all. He just likes to keep Phil on his toes sometimes. "You ruin all of my fun."

“Dan!” Phil shoves him.

“Fine. But I get to mention your ass at least twice.”

“Once,” Phil says.

“You drive a hard bargain, Lester.” Dan turns and reaches up, brushing his fingers over Phil’s hair. It doesn’t really need adjusting, but he can get away with it. “Good thing you’re so damn pretty.”

#phan #phanfic #thirty minute fics for charity #road trip mix tape 2018

296 notes · View notes

fanficwriter013 · 6 years

Text

Unrequited - Part Three

Unrequited: A Bucky X Steve X Sam fanfic

Chapter 3

Chapters: One / two / three / four

Series Masterlist

Word Count: 2756

Warnings: Angst, PTSD, depression

Synopsis: A tale of three men who all love differently but deeply, and cannot see what is the obvious answer.

Author’s Note: Written with my Papa Kate, she loves me I swear. @emilyevanston . We really hope you like it. Not totally AOU compliant, not CW compliant, not IW compliant.

All Bucky could remember as he fell was that haunted look in Steve's eyes as he no doubt blamed himself for not being able to catch Bucky. He just wanted Steve to be happy, and he hoped that Peggy would be able to take care of his little punk. Give him the happy little family that he had always wanted. Then there was darkness.

After that, he was aware that he was not dead. He was aware of the pain. And most importantly, he was aware of the slow passage of time. He didn’t exactly know how much time had passed, but he knew that it was still ticking.

The next thing he vividly remembered was the anger. He had his target, a Perfectly portional blond man wearing something vaguely resemblant of the American flag. There was a sudden weird inkling, almost like the programming that made him protect his handlers. But this didn’t feel the same. This was strong enough to bring back his ability to question.

He knew he shouldn't but the words were out of his mouth before he could stop them.

“The man on the bridge. Who was he?”

The words had flown out of his mouth, and something inside him flinched, knowing that the only answer he was going to get was bullshit and violence. Which was exactly what happened. He was told a lie, and when he questioned it, the pain blossomed across his cheek and was gone in an instant. The last thing he saw before they wiped him are pale blue eyes that reminded him of the ghost of his past.

It became dark again, and the asset was given the target; Captain America. There was a dull ringing like a sensation of Deja Vu, but he couldn’t place it. All he knew was the mission. Memorize the file. Don’t fail.

It was there that he saw hauntingly familiar ice blue eyes, and this stupid little punk was saying things that sounded familiar, causing this nagging sensation like he'd left the oven on. But it wasn’t until this target, Captain America, is bloodied and unconscious that Bucky started to stir. He'd fallen from the helicarrier, and he knew this idiotic spangly man was someone he had to save. So, he jumped from the broken helicarrier into the water after the lifeless body that not even five minutes ago was his target.

He pulled him from the water, heard that he was breathing just fine and took off. He wasn’t sure where he was going but it wasn’t going to be here.

Time still passed by, but now he is in control. He was awake and aware now. It was a new millennium, and he was struggling to be on the run and adapt to this sudden shell shock. He knew that the asset had been awake off and on through the years, and that helped. It was better to keep to himself and not draw attention though. Which is exactly what he does, rebuilding himself and trying to get all of his brain back.

It seemed to be going well. Or maybe it was technically classified as okay. Every little noise made him jump. He always stiffened when he heard sirens. Worst of all was the nightmares. He coped though. Moving through the world, making his best. That is until his world, or whatever fractured semblance of a world he was living, fell apart. He was in the paper, blamed for bombing an embassy building he was nowhere near. It had resulted in the death of a foreign power's King.

He knew he had to run, but he had to get his bag from his apartment first. He was a floor below his when he knew he was screwed.

His hearing is good and he picked up the sounds of the cars pulling in from a few blocks back. It covered up the quiet breathing coming from his own apartment. Somehow it was still no surprise that the perfectly proportional blond man that was once his target was now standing there waiting for him. His body seized up and his heart pounded against his ribs.

There was no time for the small talk that Steve wanted to engage in. Steve Rogers was no longer his friend. He was Bucky Barnes’ friend. Not the remaining shell of the man he was now. A deadly assassin that didn’t deserve sympathy. The good thing was that Steve finally clued on to the problem.

“It doesn't have to end in a fight.” For whatever reason he found that statement coming from Steve to be really ironic. He choked back a barking laugh.

“It always has to end in a fight.” As soon as the words left his mouth, the apartment exploded. There was no time. He had to run. He did the only thing he could think of was to toss this flagman at the swat team swarming up the stairs and pouring into his apartment. It temporarily gave him a window of opportunity, and he was gone.

His temporary flight was brief. He was caught. Some weirdo in a catsuit with claws that could handle his metal arm was just waiting for him. That was it. The end. He had been arrested.

They took him to what he was sure is a black site for one of the American government agencies that shouldn't exist on foreign soil, to argue about what to do with him. He heard several different opinions, kill him, send him to some high-security prison. And then there was Steve arguing for a rehabilitation. Like there was anything left to be redeemed.

He wasn’t sure how the punk did it. But he talked them into putting him under house arrest at their compound. If he cooperated then he could get help under a controlled setting. If he cooperated.

He was told that the plane ride back to wherever he was going to be locked up was over 16 hours. And that was plenty of time to tell them everything. So he did, starting with the trigger words and ending with the other soldiers. He told those of them on the plane about what HYDRA made him do to the Stark family, but Iron Man flies solo. From the looks of this group, he's not going to want to tell that story again.

His jail cell looked too comfy for a house arrest deal. His room was bigger than his old apartment, and the bed was about four times as thick as the old flea-bitten mattress he had on the floor. Steve made sure he got settled, but it was in that soft, walking on eggshells way. Like he wasn’t sure if he was going to break into a million pieces at any moment. That was how they all treat him. Like he was just going to fall apart. Like he hadn’t been on his own for two years.

They made him go to therapy, and it took two weeks before they even found one willing to see the notorious Winter Soldier. Two weeks where he self-isolated and went to the gym at odd hours to lower the risk of running into anyone else. Two weeks that he got away with it.

Then, one day, he was sitting in the chair in his room reading some sort of fantasy book he was told he had to to be current. When the door flies open.

“Alright, tall dark and broody. Enough is enough.” Sam Wilson storms into the room with him. Sam Wilson who was there when he was picked up. Sam who had been making these snarky comments since the day he had arrived. Which he thought for sure he meant he hated him. Understandably. Yet for some reason, Bucky had loved every one. They had made him feel normal for just a split second.

Sam grabbed Bucky's flesh hand and pulled. Bucky was taken so off guard that he got up without question. “Movie time, let's go,” Sam ordered. Bucky started to protest, but Sam waved a hand in his direction.

“You're obligated to be there for thirty minutes. And then if the movie sucks you can leave. That's it, no arguments.” Sam told him, and Bucky was mildly impressed. But he knew that this wouldn't last forever. Soon he'd get the looks and the pity, and the kid gloves just the same as everyone else treated him.

Sam led Bucky to a room with a large circular couch in front of a cinema screen. Bucky had taken an end seat, with Sam sitting himself down right next to Bucky. The rest of the crew were all already in the room, arranged about with popcorn and candy. Including a couple that he'd never seen before.

He could feel the looks and stares even though they're meant to be hidden. He was being evaluated. Judged for being here, for letting them use him as a weapon. For all the deaths he caused. He was brought abruptly back to the room by Sam shifting next to him, leaning into his personal space.

“That’s the Maximoff twins. Wanda and Pietro picked them up in Sokovia after defeating Ultron.” Sam said, at a volume that would only be audible to him and Steve. He's not sure why he was getting an education on this, but he appreciated the names at least.

He tried to tune out the chatter, the weight of stolen glances and bitten tongues. When he was brought back to the room once again by the weight of a bowl being pressed into his arm. He turned to look at Sam.

“Hey man, can't enjoy the movie if you don't have snacks,” Sam said, pushing the bowl into his arm again. Bucky wanted to toss the bowl across the room, but instead, he took a handful of popcorn and tried to relax.

They'd picked some movie with three female leads, and one character that Natasha remarked looks an awful lot like Thor, whoever that was. Bucky hated it, but he couldn’t leave. It was like watching an accident happen, you wanted to look away but you couldn't.

The ending was worse than Bucky predicted it to be but he was still there. As the credits rolled they were talking about getting food, ordering in or going out. And every once in a while, Steve would look at him with this pained look in his eyes. Like he just remembered he couldn't leave the compound. Bucky had already put in enough outside time for the day.

“It's fine. I'm going back to my room.” He said, standing and sweeping from the room before anyone can try and stop him.

He was just about to open his door when the hand shoots out holding the door in place. He had expected it to be Steve. But once again, there is Sam Wilson at his door.

“You stayed for the whole movie, now it's time for food. Come on.” He said, and Bucky couldn't stop himself.

“Why do you care?” It was almost a growl that fell from his mouth. It was at that moment he expected to receive the look of pity. What he finds instead is startling, but refreshing.

“Pardon the pun, but Buck up. It was shit, and I get it. I've seen shit too. What you do now is what matters. And this nasty, self-isolation game is not going to help.” Sam said, and it was probably the most real talk he'd had since he fell. He nodded slowly, and Sam took him to the kitchen to get food.

Since that night, Bucky found himself trying to find comfort in people. He was trying to see why he should socialize, but he still felt as if the only way he should be looked at was with disgust. Or in that way where he could just feel the heavy gaze of bitter sourness.

With Sam, he started to find something. Someone that didn't take his shit. That teased him about his hair, which he should probably ask about getting cut. He didn't realize that he was falling for Sam until after he's fell. It was a sudden realization, and once he realizes it, he almost feels sick to his stomach.

He went to find Steve. Because surely if he’d find Steve, he'd remember that either he was straight, or he had feelings for Steve. Steve who had always been there. Sitting in his heart. Who had brought him back from the soldier by just existing. How could he feel that way for Steve and then develop this same feeling for a man just out of nowhere?

He heard Steve talking to someone in the kitchen and stopped in his tracks. He was frozen, and all he could do was listen.

“Sharon, please. We can make this work.” Steve sounded upset, and he was begging. Bucky could hear a soft shift of the woman's body weight and a heavy sigh. Then all he could hear was their kissing, and now he was free. He quickly fled, not sure where he was going until he wound up at Sam's door. Barging in, unannounced.

“Whoa there, Bucko. You look like a spooked horse.” Sam said that shit eating grin on his stupid, concerned face.

“I went to talk to Steve. Because feelings and Steve was in the kitchen with a woman. And then, and now I'm here. And.” Bucky rambled, his blood boiling and he couldn’t stop as he used his flesh hand to grab Sam by the collar and pull him into a tentative kiss.

As soon as his lips touched Sam's, he realized his deadly mistake and he pulled away.

“I'm sorry, that was stupid. I shouldn't have come.” He said, turning and leaving Sam's room. The other man's pleas falling on deaf ears.

Bucky went back to self-isolation. It was slightly harder now. Considering he had to avoid not only Steve but Sam as well. He took to a completely unpredictable schedule so no one could hunt him down. It worked for three weeks.

He walked into the gym at 2 am. He found he could be in and out before Steve got up at 4, and if anyone else was still up they wouldn't dare step a foot onto the gym floor. Immediately, he was alerted to a presence but that didn't stop him from being slightly startled when Natasha turned the lights on.

“What are you doing, Barnes?” She asked, crossing her arms over her chest and frowning at him.

“I don't -” Bucky started, but Nat waved her hand and glared at him.

“Don't even give me that I don't know bullshit. You know exactly what I'm talking about.” Nat snapped at him, also jabbing him in the chest when she said you.

“I did something stupid, Tasha.” He said, and she nodded.

“That much I have gathered, James,” Nat said, dryly. “How about you skip the explaining part, and assume that I know that you have feelings for both the boys. The obvious choices.” She finished and Bucky could only nod.

“I fell for him, and it felt like I was betraying Steve even though... And I went to talk to him, but there was... He was, he is with Sharon now - happy. So, I went away. And I wound up at Sam's and after I babbled, I,” Bucky paused to take a centering breath.

“You kissed him and then ran away,” Nat said. “Because you only ran. Never got the full story. You know absolutely nothing about those boys, James.”

“Okay, well even if that's true. Why should I even deserve them? I'm tainted.” Bucky said and immediately regretted it by the dark glow in Nat's eyes.

“I'm not going to hit you, but know that that was the stupidest thing you have ever said,” Nat said.

“You don't think those boys have been through the same self-harm as you put yourself through? Let's start with Steve, same era. Same sin bullshit. Now, Sam. Sam should have been alright. But he got the same sin bullshit the two of you did. And now, you may or may not remember a time, long ago, when we lived together. But you are soft, and you do, very much, deserve love. So get your head out of your ass, or I will be forced to take matters into my own hands.” Nat said and stalked off without giving him a chance to even say okay.

#steve rogers #sam wilson #bucky barnes #allcaps #captain america fanfic #captain america fanfiction #stucky #samsteve #sambucky #steve rogers x bucky barnes x sam wilson #steve rogers x bucky barnes #steve rogers x sam wilson #sam wilson x bucky barnes #fanfic #fanfiction #emilyevanston #unrequited

143 notes · View notes

enixamyram · 6 years

Text

Finding Out Part 1: Zelena

Summary: The story of how Zelena and Hook find out about their daughters relationship. One more innocently than the other.

The house was almost completely quiet. All the animals had just been fed and so were mostly dozing and sluggishly quiet, while Zelena had decided to go out for the day to meet with her sister. It had been a while since the two of them had a chance to sit and talk about things other than villains and disasters or curses looming over their heads. Robin had originally been out as well, hunting and taking a few spare hours in her day to practice her shooting in order to keep her skills sharp. Or at least that was what she had told her mother she was doing that morning when she left. In reality she was actually using that as an excuse in order to go and meet with her girlfriend in secret.

They had met in the usual place; a clear opening deep in the woods, a little far off from the main trail, some time after noon just as they had planned the week before. After their initial greeting, the two girls took a slow walk through the woods to their favourite little spot by the river where they sat down and dipped their feet into the cool water for a few minutes, catching up with one another on their past week. On a spontaneous whim, Robin had then invited Alice back to her place, knowing her mother wouldn't be back for a few more hours at the very least, giving them some much preferred privacy. It would be the first time that Robin would be bringing anyone home like this. It would also time Alice had ever been invited to someone's home as well. Needless to say, both girls were a little nervous.

“How long have you lived here?” Alice asked as they approached the gates of Robin's home. She had no idea what to expect, knowing only that Robin lived on a small farm like closure with just her mother – her father had died not long after she was born and her half brother lived in another land.

“For a few years now.” Robin shrugged, locking the gates behind them before she led Alice inside. “We lived in Storybrooke for most of my childhood but after I got older, around the time when I could look after myself-” She held up her bow as proof, “-Mum moved us out here.”

“How come?” Alice asked, following along beside her.

“We just got tired of the happy little town life.” Robin explained. “I wanted more adventure, to go to a place where I could be close to my father and mum was never a fan of Storybrooke to begin with. Even less after Aunt Regina and Belle both left. She got on with the other people there okay but she wasn't exactly friends with any of them. Not really.”

For some reason, Alice had expected a bigger house, but instead it seemed Robin and her mother lived in a cosy little cottage that was only a couple feet bigger than the main room in Alice's tower. And it was truly cosy rather than small, it was the kind of building that was purposely avoiding being too large because it neither needed nor wanted to be. Robin stepped ahead and opened the smooth wooden door, stepping inside to a long corridor that had doors either side and a single set of stairs at the end, leading to the second floor. Alice had half expected the house to be various shades of green after all she had heard about the Wicked Witch and seeing Robin's usual clothing choice, which was personally fit and coloured for the appropriate camouflage a huntress might need out in the woods. Instead the hallway had brown floorboards and a light brown, almost sunset orange wall paint with golden lights hanging overhead that lit up the hallway brilliantly. It was very warm and inviting and Alice felt an immediate longing that she couldn't quite put into words.

“Would you like me to show you around?” Robin asked, hanging her cloak with the others on the hooks by the door before offering to take Alice's.

“Sure.” Alice grinned, looking around excitedly at the doors either side.

Robin couldn't help but smile at her. There were many things about Alice that drew Robin to her, and one of the top things was just how excitable she always was. After years of living trapped in a tower with only her father for company, almost any new experience got a rise out of Alice in the most positive way and Robin loved it. She was just so much fun to be around, so giddy even, and it pulled out the best in Robin even on her worst days.

The house may have been simply cosy but that didn't mean it wasn't well decorated, never being overly stuffed with things or too empty at the same time. Everything was finely designed, all with matching colours and materials that complimented each other perfectly, making the rooms look nice as well as comfortable. The living room was closest and was probably the most stuffed with sofa chairs, an open fireplace and a short coffee table between with an open clear window view of the front garden that took up most of the wall with the other wall covered almost completely in a stuffed bookshelf. Opposite was the dining room where an old fashion table sat with several matching chairs surrounding it, even if most of the chairs went unused as they never had enough people round at a single time, with a fancy bowl of green apples sitting at its centre and matching flowers standing in each corner of the room. Further down was the kitchen which was probably the most empty of all the rooms with plain counters lining the wall and a couple of cupboards that seemed like they were mostly bare, and Alice could only imagine that Zelena probably used magic for most of her cooking.

“This rooms always locked.” Robin explained, waving a hand to the room opposite the kitchen. “It leads to the basement where mum keeps her magical items and has a series of protective spells to keep anyone from getting inside. I have an key but its for emergencies only”.

“So, like a panic room to hide away in?” Alice blinked.

“Yeah, pretty much.” Robin nodded.

Alice paused, raising an eyebrow at her. “I can't imagine you hiding away from the trouble.”

Robin smirked. “Well, that's what I've told mum I'll do. When the situation comes around things may play out a little differently.”

“That sounds more like it!” Alice laughed.

Grinning and feeling a little prouder than she would have had anyone else said that to her, Robin showed Alice around the staircase where a door was hidden that led to a small bathroom. It was probably the same size as the bathroom Alice had in her tower, with one exception of having a bathtub that took up one side of the wall and seemed at least big enough for two. Alice raised a suggestive eyebrow and, without a word being said, Robin knew immediately what she was thinking.

“Definitely something to try later.” Robin grinned, taking her hands and pulling her along. “So let's hurry up and finish this tour already!”

“How much is left?” Alice blinked. She'd lived in a tower with nothing but a single room (not including the corner bathroom that couldn't really be counted as a room, but more of a corner with a curtain loosely wrapped around it). While she had seen plenty of houses from the outside, the closest she had got to another persons home was tents like the ones the people with her father were using at the base camp of the Resistance.

“Not much.” Robin promised, guiding her upstairs to where a similar hallway matched the one bellow them but with three doors instead of four, and at the end of the hallway was a tall window that took up the whole wall.

To the left was a small storage room that Zelena used for random bits and pieces that didn't have a place yet in the rest of the house or that they simply hadn't decided what to do with yet. Then next to that room was Zelena's bedroom, which they left undisturbed, while opposite that room to the right was Robin's. It was almost as empty as the dining room with just a single bed in the middle of the floor and a wardrobe with her clothes hanging inside pushed against the wall opposite, with a fancy looking desk sitting to the side that had a series of sharp objects that Alice recognised as what Robin often used to make her own personalized arrows. It also had a large glass door that led out to an open balcony with a single wooden fence surrounding the edge that gave a beautiful view of the front of the farm, right down to the forest of trees that had a series of markings painted over them.

“Mum and I share this balcony,” Robin explained, pointing to a second glass door that led into her mothers bedroom. “But I use it more than she does. It's got a beautiful view.” She smiled proudly.

“It's... Really beautiful.” Alice said, turning to look around. The balcony was mostly empty with firm wooden floorboards under their feet and a matching fence that had been freshly painted white. It was empty except for a single soft brown bench that was leaning against the wall between the two doors that had a bow and arrow and a witch hat carved into the back rest.

Robin heard something in her voice and frowned. “Is there something wrong?”

“Oh no!” Alice said quickly, her cheeks turning a little pink as she looked at her with a tight smile.

“Hey,” Robin reached over, grabbing her hand. “What's the matter?” She pressed.

Alice smiled at her, but the smile was still strained. “I'm sorry. It is a cool view, but...” She waved a hand over the balcony. “Views of the land aren't really new for me. Actually, it's kind of depressing. I get a little deja vu from it and I always feel a little sick.”

“Right.” Robin winced. “I'm sorry. I should have thought about that.”

“It's no big deal.” Alice shrugged. “I'm not going to freak out over it and demand we go back inside. I just... I dunno... I guess I just don't think much of them like other people do. Views mean little to me. I prefer to see things up close and personal now.”

“I can get that.” Robin nodded. “You don't have to pretend to like it just because I do.”

“I know I just feel a little bad when people go on about how great the view is and I'm just thinking... 'meh'.” Alice shrugged.

“Well the view is nice, but I only really use the balcony for target practice.” Robin explained, pointing to the trees. “Mum put permanent pictures on the trees of animals and other targets for me to aim for. Otherwise this is just kind of open unused space. Even if you like views, it doesn't have much of one besides the trees and a bit of the farm.”

“Can I see?” Alice asked suddenly.

“See what?” Robin blinked.

“See you shoot.” Alice grinned. “I wanna see if you're really as good as you like to brag that you are.”

Robin smirked. “Oh I am.”

A few minutes later, Robin had shot several arrows down to the trees bellow, hitting the painted pictures exactly where Alice instructed her to. At first she started off easy, using the binoculars that Robin got for her from her bedroom to double check and make sure she wasn't cheating. Not that she needed to. Robin could only miss if she wanted to. When it became clear that hitting the images themselves was truly child's play for the huntress, Alice began to name specific body parts and areas, even trying to trick her out a couple of times with more than one target. However when Robin was able to get the dear and the rabbit both in the centre of the eye (despite the fact that they were on either end of the line of trees), Alice was willing to throw in the flag.

“Okay, show off.” Alice said, putting her hands on her hips. “You win, you're really that good.”

“And don't forget it.” Robin grinned, winking at her as she picking up her quiver and bow, turning away from the balcony. “So why don't we go back inside?”

“Can if you want.” Alice shrugged casually, but was already halfway back inside. Whether she realised it or whether it was an unconscious thing, it was clear balconies were more than just 'kind of depressing' even if she didn't fully realise it.

Robin followed Alice inside, placing her bow and quiver at her desk and turning to find Alice casually looking around the room, keeping her back to the glass door and balcony. Robin still felt bad about not thinking about that earlier, especially because she knew full well how Alice had spent so many years locked in the tower, so it was only natural that she had a few triggers. She could probably do with a distraction from it... And Robin knew just what would work for a girl who spent all her years locked up in a tower in the Enchanted Forest and who craved all things new and adventurous.

“Hey, you wanna see something cool?” Robin asked with a grin.

“What?” Alice asked cocking her head to the side curiously.

Robin went to her wardrobe and opened one of the doors, reaching for the shelf towards the top. She pulled down a small round grey object in both hands that she then set on the floor by the door. It was something Alice had never seen before. It was probably the length of Robin's chest and half as tall with a grey cover and light grey buttons along the tops and side with a long metal pole that folded into the back and lighter grey sides that had a series of small pinpricks covering them. Once she had set it on the floor, Alice watched curiously as Robin pressed a series of button on the top before flicking a little black scroll in the middle, which immediately released a loud burst of music, a kind that Alice had certainly never heard before.

“What is that?” Alice blinked, moving to crouch beside her, gently touching the box. It was cold metal, but the sides seemed to actually beat along with the pounding of the music like a living heart.

“It's a stereo. A music player that plays CDs from the other world. Mum let me bring it and she keeps it powered with her magic so it never runs out.” Robin explained. “I have a bunch of CDs to go with it. This particular one is my favourite. What do you think?”

Alice paused, listening to the song for a second before nodding her head in time with the gentle beat and grinned up at her. “I like it!” She reached over, scrolling the volume up even louder like she had seen Robin do.

Robin climbed to her feet, stepping back slightly and bowing. “May I?” She asked in an overly posh tone, holding out a hand.

Still grinning, Alice copied her, jumping to her feet and bowing down to her as well. “Why of course, m'lady.”

Taking her hand, Robin thread their fingers together and wrapped her other arm around Alice's waist, feeling Alice place her hand against Robin's back between her shoulder blades so they were stood just inches apart. She grinned at her, squeezing her hand slightly before they began to move slowly around the room, dancing clumsily in time with the music behind them. More than once Alice stood on her toes and just as many times did Robin accidentally dance them into the bed, but each time they both giggled and kept moving, ignoring the bumps and bruises with nothing more than slight winces and open smiles at just how bad they were.

They didn't always keep in time with the music – at one point they completely ignored the music, putting their arms around each other completely and moving slowly with their faces close – but that didn't stop them from having the music loud. Just loud enough so that it drowned out everything but their own giddy laughter. So much so that their laughter began to become distracting, which caused them to be even more clumsy on their feet. Not that it mattered. Neither girl had lessons and neither cared to. It was a lot more fun to do it this way.

When they got too close to kicking the stereo, Robin pulled Alice close and spun her around, resulting in them giggling as they took turns twirling one another before pulling each other close again. At one point Alice spun Robin out and pulled her back into her embrace, crossing her arms around her and rocking slowly (and once again out of tune to the music) with her chin resting on her shoulder. Robin turned, pecking her cheek before she broke free of her hold to grab Alice's hands and dance her back and forth across the room, stomping her feet along the floor in time with the drum solo in the song.

Meanwhile, as the girls continued their inconsistent dancing, Zelena stepped into the house and let out a loud sigh. “Robin!” Zelena called. “The musics a little loud, don't you think?”

When she didn't get a reply she sighed again. Teenagers.

Dropping her bag on the floor by the living room door to put away later, Zelena started for the stairs, climbing them steadily one at a time. Robin was normally good when it came to her music, she hadn't even needed any ground rules when she originally set it up, just knowing not to play it too loud and to switch it off at night before falling asleep. Zelena couldn't help but feel maybe something was off. What if she upset about something and was using the music to drown out the rest of the world? Or even to drown out her own crying? If so, Zelena could hardly just ignore it. She had to check to make sure everything was okay.

As she came to the top of the stairs she heard a sudden bang, like someone had just thrown themselves onto the bed with double the force. That definitely wasn't Robin's style. Not unless there was something bothering her. It seemed something really was wrong if she was physically throwing herself around like that. But what could have upset Robin so much in such a short time? She'd left the house perfectly fine. Had a hunt gone wrong? No. That wouldn't get this reaction from her, it must be something more serious.

“Robin?” Zelena said, feeling a sudden panicked fear and charging into the room. “Sweethearts what's the mat-”

Alice and Robin both froze in place on the bed.

During their dance, they had once again lost balance during a ridiculous twirl that led to Alice falling backwards, dragging Robin down to land on top of her on the bed. She had fallen with one of her hands cupping the side of Alice's hip (incredibly close to her backside) while the other was now supporting her by resting beside Alice's head. And like a seriously bad joke, Zelena had charged in just as Alice had reached her legs up to wrap around Robin's waist, keeping her close and locking her ankles together behind her to keep her from escaping.

“-ter...” Zelena finished lamely, blinking owlishly at the girls from the doorway.

“Mum.” Robin said finally, feeling her face heat as she subtly tried to sit back on her heels, feeling Alice's legs drop to lie either side of her on the bed. “I... Didn't realise you'd be back so soon.”

“Regina had to deal with some revolution business.” Zelena said slowly, staring from her daughter to Alice with a bemused expression on her face. “So I came back early.”

“Oh...” Robin swallowed hard and forced a tight smile, though her face seemed to be turning even pinker the longer her mother hovered beside the still blaring stereo. “Well, mum. This is Alice.”

“Hi.” Alice squeaked, waving a hand before she remembered that her skirt had fallen halfway to her thighs when she wrapped them around Robin's waist. Scrambling to sit up, she pulled her skirt down and jumped to her feet, putting a bit of space between her and Robin. “Um. It's a pleasure to meet you.” She paused, then added quickly. “Robin's told me all about you!”

“Well. That's nice.” Zelena said quietly then smiled. It looked almost manic on her face and she seemed to realise that as she shook her head like clearing her thoughts and her smile became a little less intense. “Sorry to barge in! I'll just go downstairs and... Make something for dinner.” She paused and smiled to Alice. “Are you staying, dear?”

“Uh...” Alice glanced at Robin who shrugged. “Sure?”

“Lovely.” Zelena beamed, showing every tooth behind her lips. She glanced at Robin with a little shine in her eye and a knowing smirk that made Robin blush for a whole new reason. Zelena paused to wave a hand, turning down the stereo music with a slight raised eyebrow before she nodded once more at the two girls with the same over the top smile that looked it was was going to bruise her cheeks later.

After shutting the door behind her, Zelena paused with a stupid smile on her face. Only when she was completely out of sight of the two girls in the room behind her did Zelena press a hand to her lips and let out the slightest chuckle. It was certainly a surprise to walk into that when she had been expecting to find something almost the exact opposite, and naturally Zelena was relieved that Robin wasn't upset but there was more to it than that. Despite everything else she had gone through over the years, this was the moment when it finally clicked for Zelena in the best possible way.

Her baby girl was growing up!

O*U*A*T

“Oh my God, I was a second away from pulling off your shirt.” Alice said, burying her face in her hands.

“Well my hand was as close to your ass as it could get,” Robin giggled nervously, massaging her temples to ward off the threatening headache. “I have no idea how I am ever going to be able to look her in the eye after this.”

Alice walked over, dropping onto the edge of the bed hard. “I should have never come back here.”

Robin paused, looking at the back of her head from where she was still kneeling behind her on the middle of the mattress. “Never?”

“Never.” Alice snorted. “We should have stuck with the woods.”

Robin hesitated again. “I mean. I wouldn't say never.” She wet her lips and began fiddling with her thumb nail. “I mean, I did want you to meet mum eventually. Not how I would have chosen to do it but... You know.” She shrugged. “Had to happen somehow.”

Alice turned to look at her, frowning slightly. “You wanted me to meet your mum?”

“Yeah, of course I did.” Robin shrugged with a half smile. “Why wouldn't I?”

“I dunno. Because that's what serious couples do.” Alice said, feeling awkward and shifting on the spot.

“Well we are serious. Aren't we?” Robin asked softly.

Alice opened her mouth but words failed. So instead she turned around and reached out, grabbing Robin's shoulder and kissing her hard. She held the kiss for a few moments, shutting her eyes and enjoying the warmth of Robin's open mouth against hers, her hot breath sending a shiver down her spine before she pulled away. “I-” Alice stopped short and smiled. “I really like you, Robin.”

“I really like you too,” Robin whispered. “But did you really not think we were serious?”

“I guess, I just kind of assumed that you...” Alice blushed and half shrugged. “Might be embarrassed.”

“By what?” Robin laughed.

“Robin, you've done so much!” Alice laughed uneasily, waving at the stereo. “You've been to other worlds, lived a life of adventure and danger. You've done things I've only ever dreamed of. Because when it comes down to it, I'm just some nobody girl who lived most of her life with just her papa for company in a tiny room at the top of the tower. You're so amazing and I'm just... Just the most unluckiest and boring girl in the whole land.”

“Is that really how you see yourself?” Robin asked, standing and stepping up to her. “Because you are so much more than that. Alice, I wish you could see the you that I see. The you who has a smile that makes the entire room warmer. The you who has this constant excited expression on her face, and a light in her eye that never seems to die. The you who has had the worst luck for so much of her life and who still has dreams and hopes and who still can make those around her laugh and be silly! And who's smart and so, so, beautiful.” Robin reached up, brushing some hair from Alice's face. “I- I really like you, Alice. I think I might even be falling head over heels in love with you because you're just so amazing.”

The shock was obvious on Alice's face. She'd almost been close to saying it herself but stopped herself short, and now it seemed Robin had beat her to it.

“I really do.” Robin went on, still smiling as she looked into Alice's eyes. “And I can't wait for mum to get to know you and see the girl that I see. This amazing girl who shines even in the darkest of places, and who's very glance makes my heart jump in my chest and who can make me feel so happy even if I've had the crappiest of days. Because you are... Indescribable!”

Alice was shaking. She felt her throat tighten and her eyes itched. She glanced down at her shivering hands and saw the beginning of goose bumps showing on her arms. When she looked up, she was smiling again. “Actually I think you used a lot of description just now.”

Robin laughed, cupping Alice's cheek and leaning forward to kiss her softly. The soft kiss grew deeper and the girls wrapped their arms around each other. When they pulled away, they still pressed their faces close and looked at one another, their bodies unconsciously rocking to the music of the stereo behind them once more. They could have stayed there forever.

However, forever was cut short. Dinner was ready.

O*U*A*T

Zelena had taken her time making dinner, giving the girls plenty of time to compose themselves and a few extra minutes to simply be together. Young lovers liked their privacy. Zelena may not have as much experience in that department first hand (she hadn't found love until later in life) but she could imagine well enough.

When she called them down she made herself appear busy, setting the table until they entered, one at a time like they were doing their best not to openly touch one another. It was probably a bit of a shock, even for Robin, at the sight of the dining room. Zelena may have gone a bit all out, at least more than she normally did. She had moved the fruit out of the way and had taken some of the cushions from the living room and places them on the dining room chairs, as well as using her very best plates and cutlery with a beautiful bouquet of flowers sitting at one end of the table. There were candles on each corner of the table and the dinner she had prepared was an over the top roast that Zelena had made up last minute with the help of her magic. She wasn't sure what Alice liked, so she had given her a bit of everything, so much so that it nearly didn't fit on her plate.

Finally Zelena settled in the cushioned chair that faced the other two, smiling in the same over the top way as Alice and Robin cautiously walked over to join her. Robin was looking suspicious, like she expected there to be some kind of a trap hidden, while Alice was very obviously gnawing the inside of her lip and the girl seemed to be positively trembling and doing her best not to make eye contact with anyone as she dropped hard into her seat.

“Are you cold, Alice?” Zelena asked instantly, standing from her seat and waving a hand before either girl could say anything. Suddenly the fire in the living room light up. It was across the hallway but they could already feel the heat coming in through the open door.

“Thanks.” Alice said nervously, sitting down quickly before she continued to bite the inside of her lip. Under the table she felt Robin take her hand and clung to her, not caring if it made eating more difficult.

Zelena smiled at the two, watching as Robin smiled at her encouragingly. She was so busy smiling at them that she hadn't realised just how pointedly she was staring until Robin, after several bites of her dinner, coughed loudly and glared pointedly at Zelena and her untouched plate.

“Oh sorry!” Zelena laughed. “I was just... Thinking.” She laughed again and Robin winced, turning to look at Alice and mouthing an apology of her own.

Feeling she should say something, Alice looked up and forced herself to catch Zelena's mothers eye. “This is very nice.” She said, pointing to the roast.

“Thank you.” Zelena beamed. “Don't worry if you can't eat anything. It won't go to waste and I wasn't sure what you liked.”

“I can pretty much eat anything.” Alice shrugged.

“So.” Zelena asked, taking a small bite of her meal and watching them both with a cheeky look in her eye. “Where did you two meet?”

Alice looked like she had asked if they had had sex yet, the panic and nervousness in her face was so intense that Zelena almost felt guilty for asking (and also twice as curious). However Robin was unaffected and gave a half shrug. “Just in a random abandoned tower in the woods. Nowhere special. Alice was stuck and couldn't leave so I helped her get out.”

“Sounds like a pretty typical meeting here.” Zelena smirked then asked; “How long have you two been dating?”

“Mum. We're hungry.” Robin said tensely, pointing to her dinner.

“Oh of course, sorry. I don't mean to distract you. Go on, dig in!” Zelena beamed, waving her hands and watching them again.

“Mum. Eat.” Robin hissed.

“Oh!” Zelena laughed and began to eat her own meal, which was becoming increasingly difficult as she still wouldn't stop smiling up at them. Somehow the silence during their dinner was even more awkward than the silence after Zelena had walked in on them upstairs. It probably didn't help that, even while eating, Zelena watched the two girls constantly, ignoring Robin's sharp looks and sometimes even returning them with a little smirk.

Halfway through the meal, just as Alice was beginning to find herself struggling with her food and looking for an excuse to let it go cold, she glanced up shyly. “Um.” Alice started, wincing at how Zelena immediately locked on her. “You have a lovely home, Miss Mills.”

“Oh sweetheart, call me Zelena.” Zelena said immediately. “We don't need to be so formal.”

“Okay... Zelena.” Alice said, quickly turning back to her meal and feeling the tightness in her stomach ease off slightly. Maybe this wasn't going to be so bad after all.

When Zelena once again paused mid meal to just smile at the girls in a way that was beginning to feel nightmare worthy, Robin sighed and looked up at her. “Mum. You're being rude.”

“I'm sorry!” Zelena said. “Sorry, Alice, dear. I'm just... Taken back. This is the first time Robin's brought anyone home.” She smiled pointedly at her daughter. “You two must be very close.”

Alice choked on the sip of water she had been about to take. Either Robin's mother had an incredibly poor choice of words, or a twisted sense of humour and was cheekily referencing how she had walked in on them while the two girls were as close as they could get. And with that smile still on her face, it was impossible for Alice to tell just which one it was.

“So, Alice, sweetheart, why don't you tell me a little more about yourself?” Zelena asked.

“Mum.” Robin warned.

“There's not much to tell.” Alice shrugged. “I've lived a pretty boring life so far.”

“Well trust me, Alice. Sometimes boring is better.” Zelena said pointedly. “What about your parents. Do they live in town?”

“Um... Dad... Lives with some people. Near town.” Alice said slowly, choosing her words carefully. “I don't see him that much.”

“Why not?” Zelena asked, blinking and ignoring Robin's not so subtly taps under the table.

“We're cursed.” Alice admitted quietly, gripping Robin's hand out of sight. “We can't be near each other without bad things happening.”

“Oh. I'm so sorry.” Zelena said, wincing and wishing she had listened to Robin's taps. “That must be hard. Do you stay with your mother th-OW!” Zelena yelped when Robin's taps turned into a full on kick.

Robin was glaring and Zelena cringed, ducking her head slightly. It didn't take a genius to guess she'd put her foot in her mouth again. Things were never this complicated back in Storybrooke! But then, to be fair, everyone knew everyone in Storybrooke so they already knew what subjects to avoid. Maybe if Robin had given her a heads up, she might have thought things through and considered that some might be loaded but everything had been sprung on her!

Still, that was no excuse. Zelena had mother issues of her own, she should have checked herself before she just grilled Alice for what was obviously painful information.

However Alice surprised them both by growing a little taller from the question. She sat up straighter and looked up with suddenly hard eyes and her mouth pressed into a thin line of someone preparing themselves for a painful blow. “My mother abandoned me in a tower to take her place so she could run away right after I was born.”

“I see.” Zelena said, snorting and shaking her head, catching even Robin off guard. “Well I actually understand that better than most. My mother abandoned me for a better life for herself as well.”

“Really?” Alice blinked, she hadn't expected that.

“You never told me that.” Robin said, equally surprised.

“Yeah. Not my proudest of memories. We sort of made up a while back in hell-”

“Long story.” Robin grinned at the shocked look Alice flipped her.

“-but I don't think I'll ever truly forgive her.” Zelena continued, picking up her cup and holding it out to Alice. “Well, who needs them. We're better off without them bitches in our lives.”

Despite her nerves, Alice felt herself giggle. Grinning, she picked up her cup and tapped it against Zelena's. “Definitely better off!”

Beside her, Robin relaxed a little, watching the two with a small smile. The three seemed to have broken the ice at that point and turned back to their meal (it was lukewarm at this point but Zelena quickly fixed that with a brief flick of her fingers). The conversation was a lot easier and natural (mostly about Storybrooke and their adventures in hell) right up until they finished and Zelena vanished only to return with a large chocolate cake. It was instantly mouthwatering and Alice had to physically swallow back the drool as Zelena cut her a generously large piece. She suddenly found she had a space in her stomach for more food after all.

“So, do you see your father often?” Zelena asked.

“When I can.” Alice admitted. “We just can't physically touch.”

“You certainly sound like you've had it hard.” Zelena noted sadly. “Well, just so you know, you are welcome in our home any time. In fact you can stay the night if you'd like.”

“Oh no, it's okay-” Alice started.

“No I insist! Just no funny business.” Zelena said pointing at her daughter.

“Mum!” Robin snarled, burning red in the face. Just when she thought the embarrassing part of the meal was done with.

Zelena held up her hands in surrender. “I'd be a poor mum if I let you two just run around-”

“Mum!” Robin shouted.

“I'm just saying-”

“Well stop saying!” Robin insisted angrily.

Zelena nodded but was not so subtly fighting the urge to smile, which both baffled and infuriated Robin. In the end the younger girl rolled her eyes and pushed away the remains of her cake.

“I'm done. Alice, why don't we go for a walk.” Robin suggested.

Zelena jumped up, walking around and wrapping Alice in a hug before she even had a chance to reply. The hug was tight but warm and she felt Zelena still smiling against her cheek.

“It was wonderful meeting you, Alice. I hope you come and visit more often now.” Zelena smirked at her daughter. “Robin needs someone to help keep her in line.”

“Very funny.” Robin said, rolling her eyes at her, but the previous irritation had vanished. Even after everything, it was nice seeing her mother so excited about Alice.

Zelena let go of Alice, her eyes suddenly becoming very glassy and she pressed her lips together, reaching over to hug her daughter as she stood up. She squeezed her tightly, tearfully clinging to her.

“I'm so happy for you.” Zelena whispered.

Robin forced a smile for Alice's sake before she turned and hissed into her mothers ear. “We're not getting married. Dial it back!”

Zelena pulled away, smiling at Robin cheerfully. “Never.” She beamed. “It's part of the fun of having kids.”

With that, Robin was caught between being impressed and being infuriated. In the end she settled for a mix of both, shaking her head and smirking at her mother as she reached over, taking Alice's hand and leading her from the house.

“So that could have gone better.” Robin grumbled.

“Actually, I think it went pretty good.” Alice said quietly, smiling softly. She reached around, putting an arm over Robin's shoulder as they walked. “You're lucky to have a mum like that.”

“Just promise me you'll look away if she tries to show you any baby pictures or anything.” Robin groaned.

“I'm sorry, Robin.” Alice said seriously. “But I'm afraid I can't make such a promise.”

O*U*A*T

After the girls had gone, Zelena used her magic to clear away the mess, smiling the whole time. It was certainly unexpected, and not just walking in on them like that. But Zelena hadn't even considered that Robin might be interested in other girls. If anything she had assumed Robin wasn't interested in anyone (though maybe that was just the wishful thinking of a mother). But despite her original assumptions, Zelena found herself thrilled. She worried that she had brought Robin to this world when she was too young, that she might not have had a proper chance to make real relationships (friends and more) and that her isolation in this world might make it harder for her. But now she saw Robin was doing just fine.

And she really was doing fine, Zelena thought, cleaning the table quickly before she began to collect the left over chocolate cake for storage. Alice was a very sweet girl. Which made it all the more surprising when you considered her sad history. Zelena understood some of it, but even she had a somewhat normal childhood, even if her adopted father had hated her, her adopted mother had at least taken care of her. Meanwhile poor Alice was stuck with a mother who abandoned her to save herself somehow, and she had a father whom she was cursed to never be able to even be with. That was just tragic. Her childhood must have been so harsh. In fact, one of the best days of her life was probably meeting Robin that tower, though what the two girls were doing up in a random tower, Zelena had no idea...

Wait a minute... Didn't Alice say she was abandoned in the tower? And that Robin saved her from it?

Zelena paused in the hallway, the cake left overs still in her hand and she stopped mid turn towards the kitchen. Suddenly the thoughts began to come together. She was suddenly reminded of something that Regina had told her during one of her visits. Her sister had filled her in on almost everything that was happening at the resistance, including the people who had joined it. And now, the pieces began to click.

A mother who abandoned her to save herself... A father who was cursed to never be able to be with her... And a tower she was trapped in...

No...

“Oh my God,” Zelena dropped the cake at her feet. “My daughter is dating the fake pirates girl!”

Next: Wish Hook’s Turn

#once upon a time #Alice Jones #Robin Mills #Zelena #Curious Archer #Robin X Alice #Alice X Robin #OUAT Fanfiction #Once Upon A Time Fanfiction

88 notes · View notes

shinythingsorpaperrings · 6 years

Text

things about my playlist (super long cause i included lyrics whos surprised)

Right Here, Right Now Right here, Right now I'm looking at you and My Heart love the view Cause you mean everything im always a sucker for a good hsm song but this moment in the movie just really strongly resonates with me, the desire to make the moment last even though everything is speeding around them

Today Was A Fairytale But can you feel this magic in the air? It must have been the way you kissed me Fell in love when I saw you standing there every day just feels like floating like it really is magic honestly

Hung Up I'm not usually the type of guy to call twice And leave a message every time i think ive only left multiple voicemails for my mum like once

Thunder I don't wanna ever love another You'll always be my thunder So bring on the rain something bout boys like girls just always resonates about us but especially this. i used to play it every day when i spent that summer away

Check Yes Juliet Run, baby, run Don't ever look back They'll tear us apart If you give them the chance we all know how shit romeo and juliet when badly idealised but something about this just made me feel really strongly that it was ok cause of all the issues w my folks but i could run from that and itd still be ok

Two Is Better Than One Cause everything you do and words you say You know that it all takes my breath away this song just brings me back to that first night up against the wall honestly

Mine You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter You are the best thing, that's ever been mine another one of those played everyday, not even just the summer, but literally everyday for a long while. this part was the part that clicked most, that you brought me out of my shell

Love Story And my daddy said "Stay away from Juliet" But you were everything to me, I was begging you, please, don't go swift is kind of a running theme for my sweet summer tunes, but parts of this song reminded me of what my folks would be like, and the constant (poor) secret-keeping and the constant want to be free to be us

Marry You Is it the look in your eyes or is it this dancing juice Who cares baby, I think I wanna marry you i think its kinda self explanatory

Can I Have This Dance Take my hand, I'll take the lead And every turn will be safe with me Don't be afraid, afraid to fall You know I'll catch you through it all this will never stop being the cheesy fall back memory i have, its another soft moment but i love it so

2002 Now we're under the covers Fast forward to eighteen We are more than lovers Yeah, we are all we need When we're holding each other this song just invokes a lot of early memories, of the way we would belt every song out that would come on, the way that wed fix a playlist like no one else was there

Everything I Ask For Oh she makes me feel like shit (it's always something) But I can't get over it (she thinks it's nothing) 'Cause she's everything I ask for gotta agree with john, wearin red when youre feelin hot. its a good colour for you, yknow

Alone Together I don't know where I'm going But I don't think I'm coming home and I said I'll check in tomorrow if I don't wake up dead This is the road to ruin And we're starting at the end we started a mess, we ended a mess, were still a mess, and anything we do going forwards is a mess, but its ok

Still Into You I should be over all the butterflies but I'm into you, I'm into you And even baby our worst nights I'm into you, I'm into you Let 'em wonder how we got this far, 'Cause I don't really need to wonder at all Yeah after all this time I'm still into you i remember when my dad sent me the video to this song just because of what was on haleys tshirt. i didnt think it would come to stick with me for so long and mean so much

Runaway (U & I) I wanna run away Anywhere out this place I wanna run away Just U and I wouldnt be my playlist if i didnt throw electronic into it. a general running (lmao) theme though isnt it? to want to run away, to find somewhere new to start

Ours Seems like there's always Someone who disapproves, They'll judge it like they know about me and you, And the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do, The jury's out, And my choice is you another summer jam. no matter what, this is ours. no one can take that away, nobody but us can change it. it will always be ours

Song 2 You I'll give you my song These words to you Sing you what I feel My soul is true. a little victorious doesnt hurt. its a soft song, mostly about a materialistic girl, but the feeling behind it resonates with me. i love how soft it is, i love the meaning behind it. but most of all i love that its still music thats being used to connect people

Stupid For You You're a symphony, I'm just a sour note I'll take what I can get The best is hard to grip when everybody wants you And everybody wants you basically about feeling just a little not good enough, but still chasin and makin it work. id say im pretty stupid for you though

Right Girl I've never been the best with my mouth Try to stay smart but the dumb comes out Maybe I'm shy, I drive an old car Maybe I'm amazed that I got this far you are the best thing to ever happen and i let my dumbass brain panic itself into doing the wrong thing to the right girl

Rock Bottom That you hate me now and I feel the same way You love me now and I feel the same way We scream and we shout And make up the same day everything culminated to this, to being rock bottom and tossing and turning and trying and maybe not trying enough. everythings still low it still feels like rock bottom while still feeling like theres more to fall. its hard to explain

Trigger Why can't we talk about it Why don't we try I think we can change our minds If we could just look at it through each other's eyes Instead of letting bullets fly i wish, at least for getting through this, we could be better at pushing emotions back to talk, that i could be better at pushing emotions back. i wish i was better at taking a step back and seeing it from another perspective before it got too late

I Really Like You Who gave you eyes like that, said you could keep them? I dunno how to act or if I should be leavin' I'm running outta time, going outta my mind i remember thinking how annoying this was when it came on, but it explains so well this state of limbo, this state of “what can i say, what cant i say”

Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic Every little thing she does is magic Everything she do just turns me on Even though my life before was tragic Now I know my love for her goes on my dad used to play this a lot when i was younger and i forgot it for a while, but something about you sparked me to remember it, to want to hear it on repeat, to belt it despite how quiet it is on spotify, to let it wash over me

How You Get The Girl And then you say I want you for worse or for better I would wait for ever and ever Broke your heart, I'll put it back together I would wait for ever and ever i remember how you used to say you didnt like this song but now it kinda feels like were living it, that someones going to show up on someones door step six months down the line in the pouring rain. or maybe someone wont. but it doesnt stop ever resonating with me so deep in my bones

Be There I'll be the warmth in your empty hotel I'll make it right when you're going through hell I'll be the call when there's no one to tell no matter the situation, ill still be there for you. doesnt matter when, how, what, why, ill be there

Anchor If you’re lost And feel like you’re alone I’ll be the one to guide you home You’ll never have far to go just to really drive the point home with a little tritonal, ill be your anchor, maybe not your rock, im not solid enough, or rooted myself. i sway with the tide but ill still be something you can hold on to

My Life Would Suck Without You Maybe I was stupid For telling you goodbye Maybe I was wrong For tryin' to pick a fight I know that I've got issues But you're pretty messed up too Either way I found out I'm nothing without you i dont care how rocky its been, i refuse to let myself be without you, whatever that entails

Dopamine What you do to me is no good But baby, you're good for me, so good for me We break up to build something new Chasing after what I have with you i think no matter what, it will always feel like what im doing is trying to get back what we had, but not the way it was, more the way we fit together, how we could sit together and be content, to fight and curse each other out but still somehow make it ok, thats what id be chasing after

I’m Yours So I won't hesitate no more, no more It cannot wait I'm sure There's no need to complicate Our time is short This is our fate, I'm yours my heart will always be yours, even if you dont want it, it doesnt plan on going anywhere any time soon. i could leave and it would still stay with you

I Want You Back Oh, baby, give me one more chance To show you that I love you Won't you please let me Back in your heart Oh, darling, I was blind to let you go Let you go baby Cause now since I see you it is all victoria justices voice makes it feel more relevant somehow, maybe its the female voice with the same lyrics, maybe its just the way she sings it, who knows, but this rings pretty fuckin true

Just Wanna Be With You I got a lot of things I have to do All these distractions Our futures coming soon We're being pulled a hundred different directions But whatever happens I know I've got you while comedic in the end of year musical, the rehearsal version really i think really captures the heart of the relationship, that everything is happening everywhere and theres nowhere to stop and breathe but theyre still there for each other, and i will be too

Black Butterflies and Deja Vu I lose my voice when I look at you Can't make a noise though I'm trying to Tell you all the right words Waiting on the right words one of my favourites off the album, i hadnt found one i connected with much off the american candy album, except for ‘miles away’ perhaps, but then LLL dropped with this as a single and it just clicked so much with me. i find it so hard to tell you all the things i want to, the right things to tell you, its hard to ask you to be patient for me to get out what i want to, and i always end up sticking my foot in it, but one day ill get it right

Marry Me Forever can never be long enough for me To feel like I've had long enough with you a soft way to end this playlist, a perfect way to end it i think

#jasmine shut up #needed to get this out tbh

1 note · View note

aboysbestfriendishismum · 7 years

Text

Chapter 47 - Presents, nightmares and billiard balls

In the previous chapter: Meg and Angie have their friends Grace and Laura over at their apartment for a girls-only night. Meg uses Angie as a model for an art project, Jeff and the guys call from Los Angeles, the girls play Truth (without Dare) and it comes out that the other two girls noticed Eddie’s into Angie (and vice versa) too. Meanwhile in L.A., the guys are in a bar, Mike Starr went out in a robe and cowboy boots for a bet, they talk about the girls and the possibility they’d go and see them on tour. Half of them think someone’ll join them, the other half thinks nobody will come, this gives way to another bet and Eddie improves it: they’ll go to the worst club around and the losers will have to dress as The Village People. Angie wakes up alone at home after the “sleepover” with her friends and after a very strange dream with Eddie as the protagonist. As she’s preparing to have a bath she gets one call from Dave Grohl, who reveals he’s dating another girl, and from Eddie right when she’s in the bathtub. Angie’s too embarrassed to tell him what she’s doing so she explains the strange sounds and the need to put him on speakerphone saying that she’s washing the dishes. They talk about the tape Angie made for Eddie and at some point during the conversation Angie realizes she’s been fondling her own boob for a while as she was talking to him and she’s ashamed to death.

***

“I’m alright, I’m the one who kept early hours hanging out in Los Angeles with the guys, I basically came back one hour ago” maybe a little more actually, almost two. The guys went for an early breakfast, I came back to the motel with an excuse… honestly I don’t even remember if I took time to come up with an excuse or not. Surely nobody asked me anything.

As I came here I basically had the phone in my hands already, then I suddenly felt stupid and put it back in place. Than I took it once again and started to dial the number, but stopped halfway because I remembered it was early in the morning after all and maybe I shouldn’t have disturbed her at that time of the day. But I wanted to hear her voice. In the end I’ve been laying fully dressed on the bed for a couple of hours, the phone resting on my belly, counting the stains on the wallpaper and daydreaming about Angie, wondering what she’s doing, if she’s already awake, what pajamas she’s wearing, what she dreamt tonight, uncertain wether to call her or not. When the time seems acceptable, I mechanically pick up the phone and dial her number, luckily finding her awake.

“Hehe I can imagine, are you in your room now?”

“Yes, I’m in bed” I point out and I don’t really know why I’m so specific, maybe to create more intimacy, because telling her exactly where I am and what I’m doing makes me feel like we’re closer.

“Wait, I’m gonna go grab a magazine and read something to you” I don’t immediately understand what she means, it’s because I’m tired or maybe ‘cause I’m focused on her voice and how fucking sexy it is on the phone. I mean, her voice is always good, warm and deep, it’s slightly raspy and goes down from time to time and that makes it even more intriguing. But on the phone, I don’t know for what kind of acoustic mechanism and shit, Angie’s voice always seems more present, more focused, as if it came out of the receiver and directly entered my brain, without going through any kind of external space in between, making me feel completely embraced. And I also have the feeling her voice tends to go on a higher pitch when she’s on the phone, not too much, just a little bit, mainly at the end of sentences. This thing literally drives me crazy and I’m kind of hooked, I always call her and keep her on the phone for hours saying that I need to sleep and she has to respect our deal, when I would easily fall asleep without any help, only because I can’t stop listening to her.

“Oh no no, I don’t need to sleep! I mean, well, I should, but I didn’t call you for that” today I don’t just wanna listen, I wanna talk to her.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure. But what’s this noise? Sounds like water” for a moment I have some kind of deja vu, only it’s not something I already saw but something I already heard. I think it’s an acid flashback, actually I swear I heard the same water swash on Cameron Crowe’s porch on new year’s eve, when I was tripping and Angie was talking to me and I saw her as a mermaid sittin’ on a rock waves were crashing against. Or maybe it’s just that my subconscious does this association so I can think about Angie covered by nothing but seashells.

“Water? Oh yeah, uhm, it sounds like water because… because it is, it’s water, I’m… I’m in the kitchen and I’m washing the big mess of dishes, glasses and bowls we used yesterday” she answers uncertain, maybe a little embarrassed because I caught her, maybe she didn’t want me to know she was doing something else while she was talking to me. I’m not offended at all though.

“Ah I see! Poor you” I show some support and in the meantime I’m picturing my face stuck between her shoulder and her neck instead of the phone receiver while her hands are busy with the dishes.

“Actually, do you mind if I get you on speakerphone? So I can go on, you know…” she adds and my daydreaming bubble suddenly bursts.

“I can call you later if you want, maybe I’m bothering you right now…” maybe she’s not embarrassed, maybe she’s just trying to subtly and very gently tell me that I’m just breaking her balls.

“No!” she yells on the other end and it’s like I can see her panicking so much that the phone’s almost slipping down and as she tries to grasp it she makes a dish or a glass fall into the sink “Err no problem, really, you’re not bothering me, I’m glad to hear you”

“Ok… well, what’s up? We didn’t have the chance to talk much last night” I ask her and as she talks about college and tells me about finally following my advice to not retake the class, I try to understand if she was just being polite or she’s really happy I called her.

“Well done, I’m happy about that. Listen… I wanted to ask you two things…” I inquire, since she hasn’t said anything about it yet and it seems quite strange to me.

“Ok, ask me”

“First, I wanna know if you got something these days” as I talk I’m trying to untangle the phone cord, which I think has got like three year old knots.

“Something? Like what?” Angie’s perplexed voice bounces off the walls of her small kitchen generating a particular reverb.

“Like a little package, in the mail…” I guess she hasn’t got it yet.

“No, why? What package?” exactly what I thought.

“Uhm no, nothing” I bite my tongue because my curiosity and impatience led me to ruin part of the surprise. And to make Angie pretty angry. She screams at me to force me to speak up and almost breaks a glass for real.

“… hehe no, don’t worry, I won’t break anything” she laughs nervously and I don’t know where she placed the phone right now, but wherever it is I know for sure she turned the opposite way, as if I could see her blushing from here. And right now I’d like to see her, approach her from behind as she’s focused on doing the dishes, hug her gently, rest my chin on her shoulder and rub my cheek against hers to feel its warmth. I wonder if she’s in her pajamas and if she’s wearing my favorite robe. I wonder how it would be to slip my hands under the material and…

“Anyway, it’s a little gift, for you, I sent it before I left and it looks like I overestimated the speed of postal service in Seattle” I confess and as I do I’m still doubtful: is it possible she hasn’t received it yet? What if she actually got it? Maybe it was… too much? Or maybe she didn’t like what I wrote.

“A gift? For what?” for what? As if I needed a reason.

“For you, I told you. Can I ask the second question?” I try to drop the subject because I feel that if we go on this way, considering my lack of lucidity and sleep and my fantasies about her, I could end up telling her everything. And I may still not be sure about what to do about my feelings for her, but surely I haven’t kept them to myself all this time to just spit them out like this on the phone.

“Yes…” fuck it, if I gotta do it, I’ll do it in a proper way.

“B-52s?” I smile thinking about the tape I basically consumed since we left.

“Hahaha I love them! Don’t you like them?”

“It’s not really my thing, but yeah, it’s a nice song” did I really have to tell her it’s not my thing? Why do I always have to be a jerk?

“And it’s perfect for travelling” I also knew it has quite a few double meanings, most of which I’d like to experiment with the girl on the other end of the phone.

“I gotta admit I was kinda surprised”

“You just heard the first one?”

“Please, I heard the whole tape during the first hour in the van…” and not just once.

“And what do you think about it?”

“I really liked it but it’s not just that. I repeat, some things really surprised me” I say again and try to explain that it’s not the list of songs in itself that I liked, not only, but I loved the way she put them together and, in general, everything that’s behind it. I mean, you can see there’s some work behind it, a non casual choice an arrangement, a studied order. She took some time to make it, time in which she must have thought about me, and I like the idea.

“… So did i pass this exam?”

“You did, with the highest grades” but if you want to repeat the exam, even more than once, I won’t get offended.

“Thank you, prof. Vedder!”

“And then, you’re there, it’s you inside that tape, it reflects you in everything, so it’s perfect” because you are perfect, that’s the message between the lines, but she doesn’t seem to get it, or maybe she doesn’t want to.

“You said you wanted to know the music that meant home for me. Of course that’s just a part of it, a C60 cassette is too small to stuff everything in it…” maybe you don’t understand I wanna know everything. The things I’d like to know about you, it’d probably take a whole life just to pronounce them… a C60 tape, tsk.

“I expect you to make me some more then, even some C90 maybe, what about that?”

“Hehe ok, deal! At this point though, you should make me one in return, I mean, I’m curious to know your house too” my house’s door is already wide open for you, you don’t even need to knock. But once you see my house, I’d love for you to take me away with you, to live in yours, in your heart and in your bed. Holy shit, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I only know that if I had heard her last words in person, spoken with that voice, maybe as she offered me her twisted smile, with her hands still in the water, maybe… no, without maybe, I’m certain I wouldn’t have resisted and would have kissed her, touched her, held her tight and if she hadn’t stopped me or rejected me, I’d go beyond that, I’d have made love to her on that fucking kitchen sink.

“Uhm I’ll see what I can do” and among the many things I can do, the mixtape is surely the last one I’m thinking about in this moment, also from the looks of what’s happening in my pants.

Shit.

“I count on that. Listen, you’re playing tomorrow, right?” Angie’s speaking, but I can’t really understand the meaning of her words, also because it’s like all my blood had just rushed down there, leaving the brain totally uncovered, since it’s probably being considered an unnecessary body part right now “Eddie? Are you still there? Are you awake?”

“HUH?! Yeah yeah, sorry, I got distracted…” I briefly come to my senses, quickly adjust myself and sit up on the bed, straightening the pillow behind my back, as if avoiding the reclining position was enough to stop dirty thoughts.

“Were you falling asleep? Maybe you should rest a little”

“Nah, don’t worry, I’m not tired, I’ll sleep when I’m dead” or when my dick will go to sleep.

“Hehe just like Warren Zevon says”

“You know him too? You keep on surprising me” I’m surprised and I try to think intensively about the red hair and beard of Chicago’s song writer to tone down my arousal, but Angie keeps talking and it doesn’t help. What the fuck?

“Everybody knows him and that song…”

“Not really everybody” maybe it’s because I haven’t got laid since… since when? The fact I don’t even remember says it all.

“Anyway, I was asking you about tomorrow’s gig. Are you ready?” she asks with the same tone in which Paul Heaton would ask me to stand up and join the Caravan of love, at least that’s how it sounds to my ears.

“I’m ready, I can’t wait”

“Well, time goes faster if you sleep”

“I don’t wanna sleep. You know what, after I hang up with you I’m gonna go catch some waves, there’s a really cool beach here” clear my head, that’s what I need.

“But do people surf now? Isn’t it cold?” that’s what I hope. Clear my head and come back fresh.

“Uhm no, the temperature is ok. It’s the water that’s pretty cold” an iced bath it’s what I need to cool my jets.

“How do you do it then?”

“Oh you just put a wetsuit on and you can go anywhere”

“Aaaah you go with wetsuits!”

“Hehehe of course, if you don’t want to freeze to death” well it depends actually, sometimes you can find fresh but enjoyable water between February and March too.

“… But what about the parts that are not covered by the wetsuit? Don’t they freeze all the same? I always wondered, your head for example”

“My head is empty, nothing to freeze in there, so I never had problems” it’s less empty right now though, it’s full of x-rated images of Angie with me and if they froze in my mind it’d be a problem.

“Haha this joke was so easy, I expect something better from you”

“You’re right, princess, will you ever forgive this slip-up into low-grade comedy?” I joke as I adjust myself one more time, maybe my hand lingers a little longer than usual.

“OUCH! FUCK” I hear her exclaiming all of a sudden.

“What’s wrong? Are you ok?” I take my hand off my boxer briefs faster than light and I know that it’s impossible, but for a second I’m afraid she might have caught me doing what I was doing.

“Yeah… yes, sorry, I was just… a dish slipped out of my hands! I saved him inches from the floor hehe”

“Maybe I’m too distracting” you have no idea how distracting you are.

“Oh no, you’re not! Anyway, I can let you go surfing if you want” I’m not moving, I’m fucking staying right here.

“I’ve got all day to surf, I can go wherever I want. Now I’d rather talk to you some more, if you want” seriously, I must take back control of myself. Just stop playing porn movies in your head, you asshole! Angie’s not a sexual object, she’s a girl you like a lot, in her whole self. And why do these fucking hormones rampage right now that we’re like a thousand miles apart?

“Sure I want to” she answers with a smile that comes out of the receiver and wraps me up like a warm blanket.

“Great.” I go on, laying on my side and silently praying for Jeff to wait a little longer before coming back to our room “So, let’s talk about Violent Femmes…”

************************************************************************************************************************************

I abruptly jolt awake and although I can’t see myself from the outside, I realize it must have looked like the typical movie-like terrified wake up, in which you open your eyes and gasp and sit up panting as you grasp on the blankets. I remain like that, with my heart beating so fast and a terrible feeling weighing down on me and the fact I figure out it was only a dream is not enough to make it go away. I get up, have a shower and get dressed and I’m clearly still upset because when I enter the kitchen where Meg is, my roommate widens her still sleepy eyes as soon as she sees me.

“What happened?”

“Good morning to you too, Meg”

“Look at your face, what’s wrong?” she insists as she opens the yogurt container and licks the lid.

“Nothing’s wrong, I mean, I have the same face I’ve been having for the last 18 years, why?”

“You look distressed, did you sleep bad?”

“Well, actually yes. I had a horrible nightmare” I reply as I pour cereal and milk in a bowl.

“What kind of nightmare?” Meg takes a spoonful of yogurt without taking her semi-awake eyes off me.

“Mmm no, I don’t really want to tell”

“I won’t try and give an interpretation, I swear!”

“Hehe no, it’s not that. It’s just… it was really bad, you know, I’d rather not talk about it” the idea of telling her itself gives me chills, it’s like telling someone would make it somehow plausible or real.

“Ok. After the shitty night, are you ready for our morning shift?

“Very ready! I love to work in the morning” it’s not because I don’t like to sleep, I mean, Meg and I share this insane love for sleeping, despite the unwanted nightmares. It’s just that in the morning, I don’t know why, times goes faster, at least when you’re at work. Mornings seem endless when you’re at school and they seem to be like 90% of your life, whereas it’s the opposite at work. Maybe it’s because I have to deal with customers: the people who come at the mini mart or, like today, at the diner in the morning have clearly defined ideas, they go out specifically to buy something or have breakfast, they know what they want, are usually in a hurry and don’t wanna waste any time or annoy you just for the sake of it. So you end up serving a lot of people one after the other, you work your ass off and it all goes so smoothly that hours pass and you don’t even notice. Sometimes time runs so fast you don’t even have the time to do all the collateral tasks you were supposed to do.

“You’re crazy” Meg remarks with the spoon in her mouth, looking at me and shaking her messy hair. And this reminds me that…

“Listen, are you busy tonight?”

“Why? Where are you taking me?” she asks, suddenly awakened by curiosity.

“Nowhere, I just wanted to ask you a favor”

“You never take me anywhere!” Meg perfectly plays the part of the neglected wife “Come on, tell me what you need”

“Can you do my hair?”

“Hehe ok. I’ll be home later tonight, maybe you could start washing your hair, then I’ll just give you a trim as soon as I come home, no problem” Meg stands up and throws the empty vase in the bin, then drags herself towards the kitchen door holding a cup of coffee that magically appeared from I don’t know where.

“Ok, thanks. Anyway, I wasn’t thinking about a trim, I mean, I wanted to cut it a little more maybe…” I say raising my voice slightly as I drum my fingers against the table.

“Ok, we can cut it a little shorter along your face like the last time, ok?”

“No, well, actually, I was considering a proper cut, you know. I want to change, fuck, I always look the same, I’m tired of that!”

“How short is a proper cut to you?” Meg slowly walks back and pulls her hair back showing her still half closed eyes.

“Well, a little… a little shorter than usual… something like… shoulder length?”

“SHOULDER LENGTH?? ARE YOU CRAZY??” my friend ungracefully slams the coffee cup on the table and looks at me goggle-eyed.

“Why the hell are you screaming? What’s wrong with that? If I gotta do something, I wanna do it good”

“But shoulder length means this long” Meg borrows the spoon I haven’t used to eat my cereal yet and points it at my humeral head.

“What? Really?! Thank you for the anatomy lesson, Meg” I retort taking my spoon back.

“You’re not funny, Angie. Your hair is almost past your butt and even though you’re short, the length between your shoulders and your butt is still significant. That’d mean cut this much” she explains and shows the approximate length with her hands.

“Is it enough to make a wig?”

“Angie, you’d regret it”

“No, I wouldn’t. I told you, I’m tired of always being… me, always the same. I’ve been like this since I was a child. And I’m not a child anymore, I’m an adult now! I can’t do shit with this hair, the only change is parting my hair over to the side instead of in the middle or put it in a ponytail. It doesn’t even curl, when you do it lasts like half an hour. I wanna change, I’m sick of this doll hair. And the fact I have to take a whole evening off to wash it. It’s like I’m a slave to this fucking hair”

“Your hair is amazing, if you want to add movement you can get a very light perm, what do you think?”

“No! I wanna have it cut, end of the story. But then, aren’t you the one who always suggests changing hairstyle?”

“Changing hairstyle is ok, but I refuse to cut your hair shoulder long”

“Please!”

“Listen, I’ll cut it this long,” she goes on pointing her index and middle fingers as a gun a little over the middle of my back “that’s already a big change compared to now, but not too dramatic. So if you don’t like it, you can always grow it back. No one thinks about it, but hair means a lot in your appearance, hair can change the perception of the whole face, you could even not recognize yourself anymore after such a short cut”

“That’s what I hope”

“I’ll cut it this long, take it or leave it” Meg closes her eyes and takes a deep breath before making her last offer, deciding to ignore my joke, which wasn’t exactly a joke.

“Ok ok, I’ll take it”

“Good girl”

“You gotta dye it too then”

“YOU WANNA CHANGE THE COLOR TOO? Listen, I see you want to change, but the color… no”

“Do you talk like this with the customers at the beauty salon too? You’ll make it go bankrupt”

“You’re crazy, yours is the most lustrous natural dark hair I’ve ever seen, I won’t dare touching it, not even if you pay me!”

“C'MOOOON!”

“And what color would you do?”

“I was thinking… maybe red”

“I’m restarting to suspect you’re taking drugs”

“Or purple!”

“Typical adult color”

“Since when are you a bigot?”

“I’m gonna go get dressed”

“Blue? Come on, maybe just a few locks”

“I CAN’T HEAR YOU!”

“A coloring shampoo?”

After a long bargaining I conducted through the bathroom’s and her room’s door, I manage to get the promise of a middle-length hair cut and some highlights as a start. Anyway, she knows I could as well go to any hairdresser’s in Seattle and have them do anything to my hair. But I know she would never forgive me, so I prefer to avoid it. And maybe she knows it too. Once we’re ready, wearing our 50s style uniforms under our coats, we’re about to leave when we hear the door bell ring.

“Who can it be at this time?” I frown, but my expression changes immediately as soon as Meg opens the door and I see the protagonist of my nightmare standing in the doorway.

“Hey, hi Chris!”

“Good morning to my favorite neigh-” the singer stops the moment I catch him off guard and tackle him in a bear hug.

“What the fuck’s wrong with her?” he asks, probably pointing at me, I can’t see him since my face is still buried into his leather jacket.

“I have no idea, she’s been acting weird since she woke up. She wants to shave her head and have a purple mohawk, she says she had a nightmare, I don’t know”

“I don’t wanna shave my head” I retort, briefly addressing my roommate but without losing my grip on Cornell.

“Uh you changed boyfriend then?” Chris asks, so I focus back on him with a bitter look.

“I didn’t change boyfriend”

“Women usually cut their hair when they break up with a guy”

“I didn’t break up with anybody”

“You’re still with the same guy then?”

“I’m not with anyone” I repeat trying to keep calm and not to get angry at his stupid jokes as usual.

“Is that why you need affection right now?”

“Umph, why can’t it just be that I want to hug a friend??”

“You never hug anyone. At least, not when you’re sober”

“And not when you’re awake” Meg adds and I promptly give her a nasty look.

“Do you know anything that I don’t know?” Cornell ask her curious.

“Hehe no no, it was… I was just saying…” Meg corrects herself immediately.

“Anyway, are you ok? I mean, how’re you doing?”

“I’m fine, sweetie. I guess you still have a fever though” he answers playfully touching my forehead.

“Are you sure you’re alright?” I insist, trying to make him understand I’m serious.

“Yes, Angie, apart from the constant lack of food in my fridge, I’m ok”

“That’s why you came then? Who would have thought!” Meg sarcastically remarks, then walks away into the kitchen.

“Not only for that”

“Can I ask you something, Chris?” I speak in a low voice as soon as we’re alone, still hugging in front of the door.

“I can’t, Angie”

“You can’t what?” I ask puzzled.

“I’m already in a relationship. And I’m not the right kind of guy for you”

“Pfff that’s not what I wanted to ask…”

“Uh no?”

“Hehe no, I’m not interested”

“And why? I’m not bad at all” he retorts pretending to be offended.

“I wanted to ask you if you’re happy”

“Huh?”

“Are you really happy, Chris?”

“No,” he admits, finally serious “I can’t lie to you, sweetie”

“Oh”

“I can fool anybody but you, right?” he adds holding me a little tighter “I’m not happy”

“Chris…”

“It’s a gun I got in my pocket” no, he fooled me this time and now he’s here, gloating for his joke, staring at me with his stupid smile.

“FUCK YOU, CORNELL” I pull away from him enraged, but also relieved, and I hardly stiffle a laugh.

“Oh, now I recognize the old Angie, finally!” Meg comes back right in this moment and she’s holding orange juice and a bag of chocolate cookies. Chocolate cookies?

“Where the hell do those come from?” I ask surprised.

“From my secret stash” she replies giving everything to Chris, who couldn’t wait.

“Thank you, Meg. Anyway, give some cookies to Angie too, abstinence from sugar is doing her no good at all”

“Ha-ha”

“And not just from sugar I guess”

“CHRISTOPHER!” I yell at his face and start chasing him around the apartment while she runs away trying not to spill the juice and the cookies and, at the same time, using them as a shield. Meg’s bent over laughing hard.

“Come on, I was just kidding!” he protests looking at me with pleading eyes from the opposite side of the kitchen table, trying to figure out how to escape, since I’m right in front of him and I’m blocking his way out towards the door.

“You were kidding by making a stupid and sexist joke!”

“No! Stupid, yes, but not sexist! That kind of abstinence can drive everyone crazy, not just you because you’re a woman”

“Shut up!”

“Ok, I give up”

“Yeah, and I’m just waiting” I ask rubbing my hands.

“You can’t torture me if I surrender, I’m appealing to the Geneva Conventions!”

“I wipe my ass with that”

“Hahahaha you’re hilarious, go on please!” Meg’s still laughing outside the kitchen door.

“Ok, listen, I apologize, Angie. I was wrong and I beg you to forgive me, I won’t do it again” Chris puts our food on the table, puts his hand over his heart and the other one in the air to do this kind of plead.

“Ok”

“Oh thank you!” he takes everything back and walks up to me.

“I’ll only give you one single very hard slap” I say as soon as he’s close and I playfully beat him on his arm.

“Hey! Those were two slaps, not one!” he complains as the three of us walk back towards the door.

“Oops”

“Well, this means I’ll keep what I brought for you…” he casually says as he’s holding cookies and juice with one hand so he can open the door with the other free hand.

“Why? What did you bring?” I push the door and shut him right away.

“Did anyone ever told you you can be creepy sometimes?” he asks with a straight face.

“So?”

“Hold these a sec:” Chris hands me the bottle of juice and the bag of cookies and sticks one hand into his leather jacket “the postman must have confused our mail boxes, don’t ask me how, since there’s not a single letter in common between Cornell-Cameron and Pacifico. Don’t know how long it’s been-” he pulls out a small package and I immediately understand what it is. That’s why I literally tear it off from his hands.

“Oh thank you, Chris. I was waiting for this!” I exclaim giving him his breakfast back.

“What is it? Anyway, they do have some letters in common, two letters with Cornell and three with Cameron. How come you didn’t tell him? Good old Angie would have pointed it out for sure. What is it anyway?” Meg follows me as I go first on the couch, then in the kitchen, and finally in my bedroom.

“Hey! Am I not interesting anymore now? Nobody cares about my happyness? Nobody hugs me anymore?” Chris calls us in the distance.

“No! You can go now, thank you Chris!” I answer as I try and close the door of my room behind my back, but Meg puts a strategic foot in between to block it.

“Ok, anyway I have food now. Bye sweetie, bye Meg!”

“Bye!” we say at the same time when I give up and let her in my room too, then we sit on the bed.

“Uh and if you talk to him, tell Eddie I’d like to get a small present too. I mean, it’s not nice to be ignored” Chris reappears all of a sudden outside my bedroom door and Meg and I both jolt on the bed, scared to death. Then he leaves as nothing happened.

“He’s an idiot” I shake my head.

“That’s what you’ve been waiting then! What did Eddie send you?” Meg’s face turned into the Cheshire cat’s grin once again and I know I won’t leave my room before I open this package in front of her. I try all the same though.

“I don’t know, I’ll check later in the afternoon, we’re late now” I put in into my bag and try to stand up, but Meg pulls me back down.

“Do you really think you can get away with it like this?”

“Ehm no”

“Ok, come on then, we don’t have so much time”

“But if we don’t have time…”

“We’ll go by car to spare time”

“I gotta fill it up”

“We’ll take mine. Come on!”

I give up with a sigh and pull out the package and I finally give it a better look. Yellow wrap paper, yellow, the color of madness, something that brings me back to one of our first conversations. He drew a frame made of waves and inside the frame he wrote my name and address with a marker: the A is pointy and narrow, N is wider with short side dashes, G is round and curly at both ends, I is so tiny and invisibly dotted, E looks like an open hand. I don’t examine the rest of the letters because Meg sighs, folds her arms and gives me an eloquent look as to tell me 'I’m waiting’. As I always do, I open the package trying not to tear the paper, but at the same time I try to be quick not to make Meg lose her patience. Once I open it I find another smaller package and an envelope with 'READ THIS FIRST’ written on the outside.

“There’s a letter too, things get even more interesting!” I make eye contact with Meg who winks at me.

“It must be a tape” I follow his instruction and open the envelope, I don’t read loud, but I don’t really need to, since Meg reads it shamelessly and I don’t even try to hide it from her:

Miss Pacifico,

or should I say, Her Majesty? I’ve currently a vision of your face, and you’re smiling. This is because you opened the letter before unwrapping the present, I know that’s what you’re gonna do, that you always respect the rules and you love to do that. But if you decided to surprise me and ignore the rules, your expression would probably be a little frownier, if not angrier, but that’d be an equally pleasant vision for me.

Now… a present for you. It’s exactly 1:01 A.M., Saturday, February 2. We leave at 7:00 A.M. for California and the beginning of our first tour together as a band. I collected this for you with courage 71 minutes ago. Wanted so badly for you to have it as a symbol of this night, of this moment, of that HERE AND NOW I’m so obsessed with and you so deliciously make fun of me for. I’ve got one… you’ve got one… we’re bonded & alive. Again, may this be also a symbol of what we are now and what we’ll be. With a little more courage.

Love, Eddie

“Fuck” I whisper, totally unaware of what’s going on around me.

“OH. MY. GOD.” Meg dramatically spells out “This is.. is…”

“He’s an idiot”

“An id-… why an idiot?” my friend is probably looking at me with a big question mark on her forehead.

“I’LL KILL HIM IF…” I growl as I carelessly tear the paper of the second package into pieces. It’s a small box, I open it on the side and when I look into it I see an old grime-encrusted lightbulb.

“What is it?” I’m so shocked I don’t even take it out of the box, I just hand the whole thing to Meg, stand up from the bed and start pacing my room first, then the whole apartment, cursing and repeating that nobody can be so stupid. And I can’t wait to tell him in person, how stupid he is. With love, of course.

**********************************************************************************************************************

“How long did it take before you figured it out?” I ask Jerry as I put the money I’ve just won in my pocket.

“That you were bluffing? Hehehe five minutes, I can recognize someone who can play pool, even when they pretend to suck” he answers with his signature laughter as he hangs the pool sticks back on the wall rack.

The smokey L.A. bar we ended up tonight looks the same as many others we’ve been through lately and it’s also the last on of the series, at least for now, because we’re leaving in a few hours and I’ll finally go back home to my San Diego. Different places, different bars, different pool tables, different faces, old and new, same ocean. I can’t wait. The others left a long time ago and I don’t mean just our respective bandmates, but also most of the customers of the bar.

“But you insisted all the same asking for a rematch and re-rematch”

“I never give up without fighting.” Jerry crumbles his empty pack of cigarettes and pulls a new on out of his pocket, opens it and offers me one before taking one for himself “Can I ask you something, Eddie?”

“Sure”

“It’s a very stupid question. I mean, you’ll surely find it supid…” he goes on as he takes the lighter to light up his cigarette and mine.

“Try me”

“It’s something I shouldn’t even ask in my position, I mean-”

“You wanna know about Angie?” I ask without beating around the bush as I lean against the pool table.

“Yes. How… ehm, how is she?” he admits and then, noticing my silence, he goes on “I warned you it was fucking stupid”

“She’s ok”

“And what about her exams?”

“She passed, she wasn’t really happy about her grades though”

“Of course. Fucking pefectionist!” he smiles and shakes his head.

“Anyway, she’s fine. And, well, I don’t know what else you wanna know…” saying that I feel uncomfortable talking about Angie with him would be an understatement. It’s fucking embarrassing, I’m talking with the guitarist of the band we’re touring with, and we share managers with, about his ex girlfriend, who’s also casually the one I’d want to become my girlfriend.

“It’s just, I mean, I know you’re friends and maybe you talk sometimes. You talked to her these days, right?”

“Yeah, well, a couple of times on the phone” big friends, Angie and I.

“You must think I’m an asshole and that’s none of my business”

“I don't” I fuckin’ do, but I won’t tell you because I fantasize about your ex and, although you treated her like shit, I don’t feel like digging that knife in.

“Anyway, believe it or not, even though it may sound absurd, I care for Angie. That’s why I’m avoiding her, I know that it still hurts her when she sees me or thinks about me. And if I avoid her, I can’t talk to her and ask her how she’s doing or things like that, you know”

“I understand, don’t worry. And it’s not that absurd” sure I understand you, you were with Angie and you fucked up, if you feel guilty it’s perfectly normal.

“It’s weird, even being here talking to you, I mean, you’re a friend to her and she probably confided in you and told you all the stupid things I did and right now all you’d wanted to do is kick my ass or something” he finally ashes his cigarette in the ashtray and I’d tell him, please, Jerry, don’t suggest me things. And if only you knew, how weird it is for me too!

“That’s your business, I don’t pry, I don’t want to” as if I’m not involved already.

“Ok, but she must have told you something, I mean, she… uhm, does she talk about me? Sometimes? Not in a flattering way I guess” you guess right.

“Yeah, but not recently. Surely you came up during conversations here and there, but she didn’t tell me that much”

“Sure, why would she? And she’s going out with the drummer now, maybe he’ll make her forget me faster”

“She’s not going out with the drummer, they’re just friends” I don’t even know why I point this out, maybe because I’m bothered by the fact someone simply thinks she’s with that guy? To console Jerry? To delude him? Because I’m drunk? Because I’m a masochist?

“Really? Are you sure?” Jerry puts his cigarette out and turns to face me, extremely interested in my revelations.

“That’s what she told me, I can’t see why she’d lie to me about that” now I’ve also become the official dispenser of gossip about Angie’s private life.

“Good. I mean, good, it’s not like that changes anything for me! I was.. I was just saying” sure, just saying.

“So you don’t wanna try to get back with her?” I’m more direct this time.

“Haha try again? To have her tell me to go fuck myself? I don’t think so!” he answers, pretending to be amused, and I can’t help breathing a sigh of relief, but I almost choke on it right after “At least for now”

“For now?”

“Well, in the future, who knows? It’s not possible at the moment, I’d have no hopes, I fucked up too badly and it’s still too soon. Right now also going back being friends again looks like an utopia to me”

“Friends?” what the fuck is he talking about?

“Yeah, I’d like to be her friend, that’d be enough for me. Have Angie forgive me and want me back as a friend, that’s all”

“But you’d be able to be a friend to her, just a friend? Could you see her only as a friend?” I won’t believe it even if he swears on his guitar.

“Angie’ll never been just a friend to me, but that doesn’t count” that’s what I thought.

“It does count actually”

“I’d like to get back into her life as a positive person, with a sense, someone who’s not just there to remind her of her mistakes and make her suffer, someone who could also make her happy, in my small way. That’s what really counts, not my stupid feelings. I can keep them under control”

“Are you sure?” the same way you controlled your dick while you were together.

“Very sure. When I was with her I was only thinking about myself, also when I was cheating on her, I thought about what would have happened had she caught me and I saw everything black, but only for me. I imagined the possible scenarios in which I’d have been dumped and humiliated and I had no idea something like that would have hurt her too. I know, it sounds stupid, but I assumed I’d have been the only one to lose out, that she’d have kicked my ass and forgotten me the next day. I thought she’d be upset, but not so upset, I don’t know if you understand me”

“Lack of self esteem or pure ego?” or stupidity.

“Hehehe I have no idea”

“And when she’ll have a boyfriend? Or she’ll like someone? How would you take it?” I mention totally casual occurrences, with absolutely no references to actual facts.

“Extremely bad, for sure. But I’d keep that to myself, also because I wouldn’t have the right to say shit. I could just be happy if she’s happy”

“It’s a pretty masochistic kind of friendship you’re wishing for” that is if he’s telling the truth and it’s not just bar talk,

“Hehe yeah, definitely. But, I don’t know, I think someone like Angie’s worth it. What do you think?” I think this poor asshole’s telling the truth.

“Me? Well, yeah, she’s a cool girl” and I’m head over heels in love with her and instead of being honest and confess, I’m here listening to your sentimental confidences, surely prompted by alcohol, playing dumb, like chickenshit.

“Right. Sorry if I put you in the middle anyway” he puts a hand on my shoulder and gestures for us to get out of the pool room.

“Nah, no problem” I shrug and follow him.

“And sorry if I annoyed you with Angie. Layne's tired of listening to me and it’s not something I can talk about with people like Mike or Sean. And alcohol loosens my tongue”

“I guessed that, don’t worry, it’s ok”

“Can I buy another round to make you forgive me?” he suggests pointing at the bartender.

“Hehe no, thank you, I’d rather go back to the motel”

“Already? It’s still early, although it doesn’t look like considering how empty this place is”

“Yes, I know, but we’re leaving at dawn tomorrow and I absolutely need to rest a little, have a shower and call a couple of friends” one of those couple of friends is Angie, but I prefer not telling this to the guitarist, who sits down on a stool at the bar and tells me good night.

When I get into my room I’m tempted to call her immediately, but then I change my mind and go have a shower first, as if I wanted to show up at my best for this phone date. As I exit the bathroom though, I find Jeff focused on a rerun of a basketball game on tv and I curse myself for not making that fucking phone call earlier. I get out saying that I need to go bus cigarettes, an excuse the bassist hadn’t bought for a second, and I get into the nearest phone booth.

“Hello” says the voice I’ve been looking forward to hear for the past four days.

“Hey, hi An-” I don’t even have the time to say her full name.

“IT’S YOU, FUCKIN’ IDIOT!”

“Ehm, is everything ok?”

“NO, NOTHING’S OK!”

“What’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong?? Well, maybe the fact I’m dealing with a crazy person? How could you do something so stupid?!” she answers slightly lowering her voice and I finally join the dots.

“You got my present” I smile as I put coins into the phone box.

“Tell me you didn’t really go up there, tell me it’s a fucking prank”

“Well…”

“Tell me you stole a lightbulb from some old sign of a random closed club and you sent it to me to see how I’d react”

“Uhm I can tell you if you want, but…”

“I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!”

“Aren’t you ever so slightly happy about it?” I begin suspecting it wasn’t exactly a great idea.

“NO!” the suspect is less vague.

“I went up there for you”

“No, you went for you, to act like the Tarzan of the day, after I had clearly asked you not to do it, just to prove a point”

“Tarzan didn’t climb on skyscrapers, it’s more like the King Kong of the day”

“Don’t correct me over movie references, Eddie, you just can’t afford it right now!” Angie retorts after a long dramatic pause of silence.

“Sorry” when will you join me on this tour? I’m thinking about different ways to apologize to you…

“You scared me to death, you know?”

“How could I have scared you to death if you didn’t even know I had been there? When you knew, I had already come down from the Space Needle for days”

“I don’t know, but you scared me all the same!”

“You care for me then?”

“Of course I care for you, especially now that I know you’re crazy!”

“And what about the message? Did you read it?” I try and direct the conversation towards the most important part, the content of that fucking letter.

“Yes, and-”

“I bet you read that first”

“Yes, I read it first. Are you happy?” very happy.

“Kind of. You read it and…?”

“And what?”

“You said 'Yes, and…’ and I interrupted you. Yes and… what do you think?” I can’t understand, sometimes I think she’s totally oblivious of my feelings, but there are times I have the impression she’s keeping me hanging on purpose.

“… and I think it was a really nice gesture, but I’d preferred if you chose something else as a symbol for our friendhip, I don’t know, something you can find at less than 600 feet height, what do you think?” friendship. She’s not keeping me hanging, my princess simply didn’t understand shit.

“Uhm I don’t know, I can’t think of anything”

“A mixtape for example”

“That was my first idea, but then you stole it. I had to think of something else”

“Hehehe you’re totally crazy Eddie, you know that?”

Yes, for you.

“I’ve been suspecting it, if you say it I believe it”

“How are you doing? What about the shows?” she laughs and asks me, she’s not so mad at me after all.

“Great, we played in Long Beach yesterday and it was cool, the people was amazing and security was slightly less awful than the Florentine one”

“And the next one is?”

“Tomorrow, in San Diego”

“Ah, you’re going back home finally!”

“Yeah, we’re leaving early in the morning. I’d leave right now if it was up to me, I can’t wait to go to my favorite surf spot” I reply as I insert another bunch of coins in the phone box.

“Hehe guess what, I knew you’d have said something like that”

“Am I so predictable?”

“Always, except for when you decide to climb up the Space Needle” Angie teases me but I ignore it.

“Anyway the place we’re playing tomorrow is basically a second home to me, I played there many times with my old bands. The negative thing is that we’ll be doing a show here in Hollywood on Monday, so we’ll have to go back, but you know, it’s just a three hour drive in the end. If I didn’t love Kelly Curtis, I’d say who set these dates is a disturbed person”

“So you’re in San Diego tomorrow, in Hollywood on Monday, and then?”

“On Wednesday the 12th we’re in San Diego again, in Oakland at Valentine’s day, then we basically have one show per night, San Francisco, Sacramento… Then I can’t remember if there’s something else here in California or we’re doing Oregon already”

“I see. Well, tomorrow things start to get serious then”

“Hehe yeah, we’ve been kidding until now, with only two shows, but we gotta give our best next week”

“I’m sure everything’s gonna be alright. After all, you climbed up the Space Needle, this is nothing in comparison”

“Are you gonna rub it in for ever?”

“Yes, isn’t it the reason why you sent me that lightbulb? As a symbol of how much I enjoy fucking around on you?” you can fuck around as much as you want…

“Also. What about you?”

“I’m fine, thanks. And I have some news, but I’m gonna tell you when we meet”

“What news?” I’m suddenly on alert, is it college news, work news or love news? Why does she have news right now that I’m not around?

“Which part of I’ll tell you when we meet you don’t understand?”

“And when do we meet?” I ask full of hope, tomorrow in San Diego would be my favorite answer.

“Hehe when you’re back in Seattle”

“That means in ten days, you’re evil”

“I’ll give you a small hint: I didn’t climb up the Space Needle”

“Fuck you, Angie” I tell her with the same intonation and the same excitement I’d have used to tell her I love you. But now that I think about it, maybe I should have done the opposite, maybe it’d have been more effective to tell her I love you with the same intonation I’d have used to tell her to fuck off.

“Haha I love you too, Eddie” or maybe not.

#pearl jam fanfiction #grunge fanfiction #eddie vedder #chris cornell #jerry cantrell #pearl jam #alice in chains #chapters

18 notes · View notes

soledadgeek · 7 years

Text

Masterlist of Awesome - Part 3 (Other Fandoms)

Hello everyone! It’s been a while! But here’s a new rec list ;) Although, for the Sterek fans following me, this is strictly other fandoms, sorry. Been away from Sterek in a while and that’s the result! Here’s a listing of what you’ll find!

Merlin / Merthur

Suits / Marvey

Supernatural / Destiel / SamxDean / SamxDeanxCas

White Collar / Peter/Neal/Elizabeth

James Bond (Daniel Craig’s) / 00Q

London Spy / Alex/Danny

Fandom: James Bond (Daniel Craig’s) Pairing : 00Q

Temeraire by professorfangirl (lizeckhart) / 8858 w. / E

"At Bond’s age anything like love was trapped and walled away, a scorpion under a glass; what he felt now was like the fire at Skyfall, filtered through icewater light. And yet it was there, it was possible: one more reckless leap, one more deadshot fall, one more defiance of loss. It was there, waiting in the way Q’s eyes lingered on him, the intelligent desire in their depths, patient, saying, 'we have almost all the time in the world'."

Does Your Mother Know? by sorion / 17561 w. / M

“He told me… that he’d loved and trusted people with his life before, and that it didn’t end well. And he told me… that he would trust me with his life… and his death.”

“Wow. Now I don’t know which one of you to warn off of breaking the other’s heart, anymore.”

The Inevitability of Time by dhampir72 for missMHO / 27055 w. / M

When they meet for the first time at the National Gallery, Bond has a strange sense of deja vu.

For the 00QNewYearParty as a gift for missMHO.

Mister Kiss Kiss Bang Bang by sorion / 31571 w. / M

Despite Bond making a kind of running joke out of Q’s “exploding pen” remark by requesting one at every opportunity… it was Q who mentioned it first. The reason behind it is quite simple. They both like to blow shit up. And then they realise that that's not the only thing they have in common.

Denominations by WriteThroughTheNight/ 33299 w. / Series / T

Part 1: Denominations by WriteThroughTheNight

"Q confirms that he's an Empath three months before his first day of primary school, and the deciding of Denominations that comes with it."

OR Q is smarter than anyone gives him credit for, and an Empath to boot.

The Haunting of Skyfall Lodge by BootsnBlossoms, Kryptaria for shipimpala / 36522 w. / E

All his life, Q has seen ghosts. For years, he's searched for scientific proof to back up what he knows to be true. Finally, he starts a YouTube channel to chronicle his adventures of exploring haunted sites. His latest location: Skyfall Lodge.

Yours, J by swtalmnd / 41104 w. / Series / G to E

Part 1 : Yours, J by swtalmnd

Bond sends letters. Q is vexed. Q-branch starts a betting pool. There are an appalling amount of sweets. Also, 002 is a bit of an arse.

Alley-Cat Quartermaster by Only_1_Truth for MinMu / 41274 w. / M

This all started with a conversation with my Queen of Plotbunnies and Paladin of Writer's-Block Slaying, MinMu: So many fics include Bond breaking into Q's flat. What if it was the other way around?

Summary: After the death of M, everything is in shambles. MI6 is trying to stay afloat and not let its enemies scent blood in the water; the new Quartermaster is orchestrating a flurry of activity to keep his branch at pique efficiency and therefore his agents alive; 007, the agent hit hardest by the death of the old M, is going through the motions and throwing himself into his work. Everyone is a little bit broken, and a lot exhausted. So when Bond and Q end up together in unexpected circumstances, perhaps the outcome should not be so unexpected...

Ordinary Numbers by BootsnBlossoms, Kryptaria / 44 175 w. / T

More than anything, Mike Taylor wanted to be ordinary. Being a genius, he learned early in life, meant people expected too much. A career at the MI6 Help Desk seemed the perfect way to guarantee a lifetime of obscurity, until he got a very unusual tech support call.

Bewitched by BootsnBlossoms, Kryptaria for Jennybel75 / 51888 w. / M

A few months after the Skyfall incident, Q's sister gives him the excuse he needs to finally take a last-minute holiday at her cottage in Wales, but a priority two security threat means Q can't go alone. For James Bond, the choice between a visit to Psych to discuss overwork or two weeks in the countryside is no choice at all — especially not with the lure of his enigmatic young Quartermaster as a companion. Then again, 'enigmatic' doesn't even begin to cover the truth of who the Quartermaster really is.

Perfect Fit by saturn_in_retrograde / 53189 w. / E

Two men. Three continents. Ten cities. Twelve months. Time and trouble enough to fall in love. In which Q sweeps James off his feet with his awkward flirting, genius intellect, smart mouth, sexy librarian cardigans, raunchy sense of humor...and those red, red lips like cherries.

Mercenary by BootsnBlossoms, Kryptaria / 66075 w. / E

Five years ago, Commander James Bond of Her Majesty's Royal Navy left England in disgrace, escaping a court martial -- and what should have been a promising career in MI6 with Alec Trevelyan, his oldest friend. He becomes a mercenary, selling his military expertise to the highest bidder, though not once does he act against England or her interests. Now, new intelligence has possibly located Bond in the United States, and Alec is tasked with the mission to bring him back to MI6. But to do so will require a very unique type of field operative -- one Bond will never suspect. Enter Aidan Green, codename Q.

Brave New World by ForzaDelDestino / 70581 w. / No Rating

After the events at Skyfall, life was different for Agent 007. M was gone—no, there was a new M. There was a new Headquarters. He had a new flat, in which he was still unpacking boxes of belongings. And--bloody hell!--an associate of Raoul Silva had materialised. Then there was the matter of that new, young Q…a lanky, bespectacled boy with a mop of dark hair, who was in serious need of an attitude adjustment...and far too wary when it came to what Bond had in mind for him.

[References to quotes from Skyfall and one or two much earlier James Bond films.]

Quriosity by dr_girlfriend/ 82391 w. / Series / 82391 / E

Part 1 : Quriosity by dr_girlfriend

COMPLETE! Bond finds himself increasingly curious about his enigmatic Quartermaster.

Excerpt: "Your prior hotel is no longer secure, I will direct you to a new location. Your luggage has already been transferred. A field agent and medic from the Diréction Générale de la Sécurité d'État will be waiting at the side entrance. I have cleared them both personally." In contrast to his crisp dry English, Q's pronunciation of the French words was fluid and flawless, the throaty tone of the fricatives sending a surprising jolt of awareness straight to Bond's cock — all the more remarkable given his degree of blood loss. "You're wasted on Q-branch, you have the voice for a phone-sex call-in line." The words slipped out of Bond's mouth without forethought, although he had plenty of time to think in the sudden pause that came afterward and stretched on for endless moments. Bond hadn't realized until now how Q was always there, with an immediate reply. In all their banter Q had never before been at a loss for words. Ever.

Red Queen to Overwatch by BootsnBlossoms, Kryptaria / 86175 w. / M

After returning from the dead, James Bond moves into a new secure flat, only to find that his new neighbour is either: a scruffy teenager, a brilliant computer geek, a mad scientist, or the sexiest genius he's ever met. Two of these things turn out to be true. Well, three, once the Red Queen gets involved.

Blue-Eyed Monster by Only_1_Truth / 118361 w. / M

Yes, this version of 007 was a terrifyingly smart agent, and M wondered long and often whether it had been a good idea to promote him to the position. Usually, the title was the dangerous part - being 007 meant deadliness - but this time, M feared that a certain man with ice-blue eyes and scruffy blonde hair had dragged in more danger to the title than it had previously possessed.

Enter MI6's new Quartermaster: an unassuming, bespectacled genius with no mind for subterfuge but plenty of genius behind a dry smile. Curious 00-agents and young boffins don't always mix in predictable ways...

The Love Song of James Bond by Fightyourdragon / 204 407 w. / Series / E

Part 1 : The Love Song of James Bond by Fightyourdragon

“Knowing your history, and adding to it the fact that I am not entirely unaffected by sharing a bed with you, I think it would be pointless to pretend that we are going to able to share this house for the next two weeks without fucking over every available surface.” Q smiles at the look of shock on James’ face. Clearly he hadn’t been expecting such a direct approach and Q presses on before he has a chance to recover. “However, when it happens it will happen on my terms.” There was definitely a significant gap between the time Bond was breaking down over M's death in the chapel to the time a confident Bond walked into Mallory's office to accept his newest assignment. What, or more importantly, who, put him back together again? Basically, lots of porn with plot.

Fandom: James Bond (Daniel Craig’s) and Sherlock Pairing : 00Q, Sherlock/John Watson

The Love Affair of Willoughby Holmes and James Bond by LadyRa / 31057 w. / Series / G to T

Part 1 : Why Mycroft Worries Constantly About His Youngest Brother or How Willoughby Holmes Wooed and Won the Heart of James Bond by LadyRa

The youngest Holmes holds a minor position at MI6, but somehow still manages to do more damage than Mycroft at his worst.

Post Skyfall AU, Q is a little younger and a tad more innocent, and Alec is a good guy and still alive.

Reichenbach Falls didn't (and won't) happen.

Fandom: James Bond (Daniel Craig’s) and London Spy Pairing : 00Q, Danny Holt/Alex Turner

*If you don’t know London Spy, please go watch it, if only because Ben Wishaw’s in it and awesome as usual!!!

Face of Innocence by FaerieChild / 6268 w. / T

During difficult times, James Bond retreats to the Mediterranean island of Corsica and the home built for his late wife Theresa di Vicenzo. Onto his private beach stumbles a young man who is clearly a lost soul. Both have known loss, both know what it is to feel alone and in that first moment, something nameless sparks between them.

The Truth of Truths by blackidyll / 8747 w. / No Rating

For weeks, Q has no idea who the man with a permanent bed in MI6 Medical is. Well. More that he doesn’t quite understand the significance of Alistair Turner, why MI6 decides to keep him within headquarters instead of transporting him to another facility, one more suited to caring for a coma patient. Then M gives Q orders to find a program created by a certain MI6 cryptanalyst, a program now in the Security Service’s possession, with strictly worded instructions to scour it from existence. And Q understands.

A London Spy/James Bond crossover where Q and Danny are entirely separate people and they lead their lives as they did in the series and the movies. The key here is that Alex works for Bond and Q's MI6 - the one portrayed in Spectre and headed by M(allory).

Secrets, Spies, and Family Ties by Brihna / 37778 w. / M (Series but I only liked part 1)

When Danny Holt shows up on Q's doorstep, he is unprepared for the tale he has to tell. Is MI6 really responsible for the death of Danny's partner, or is there more to these strange happenings than meets the eye? Q must decide just how far he is willing to go to help his brother find the truth.

Fandom: London Spy Pairing : Danny Holt/Alex Turner

*If you don’t know London Spy, please go watch it, if only because Ben Wishaw’s in it and awesome as usual!!!

It's more than what it cost you by Teatrolley / 1916 w. / No Rating

Alex loves Danny’s sweaters, but he also loves Danny in the suits, and the secretiveness of the bee-printed socks and sunflower-printed pants he’s wearing underneath them. Danny wears the sweaters less, but it’s all right, because Alex learns to love this new side of him, too.

__ What Alex means, during the soulmate conversation, is that love has to be adaptive to last. His is, but is Danny's too? Alex isn't sure.

Supersymmetry by drinkbloodlikewine, whiskeyandspite for GulliverJ / 24335 w. / M

Alex holds his hands in Danny’s hair, placing a kiss against his brow. It will have to suffice as apology for now, surely the first of many. He doesn’t wait a moment more than that, however, despite how badly he wants to feel Danny close to him, despite the frequency at which they vibrate together. Their waves must propagate faster, first, rising in pitch before they can settle to low and comfortable quiet. Alex fakes his own death and he and Danny leave London to finish his work elsewhere.

A story of a scientist and a romantic, speaking different languages and saying the exact same thing.

Fandom: James Bond (Daniel Craig’s) and White Collar Pairing : 00Q, Peter/Elizabeth/Neal

Whoever Fights Monsters by circ_bamboo, feelslikefire / 107327 w. / E / (Series but I preferred this part)

"Should I start, or would you like to?" Neal asked Q.

"Are you going to draw this out?" Q said. "It's really quite simple. Some years ago, before MI6, before Neal's little bond mishap—"

"Alleged bond mishap," Neal said—mostly out of reflex, Q thought.

"You were convicted by a jury of your peers," Q said. "It's somewhat less alleged at this point. Nonetheless, before . . . that, Neal and I . . . were acquainted."

Or: When Q hears that the FBI is bringing one Neal Caffrey to British soil for an investigation, he's fully expecting trouble with a capital T.

Naturally, what he gets is much worse: par for the course when you're dating James Bond and you're old friends with an international art thief.

Fandom: White Collar Pairing : Peter/Elizabeth/Neal

your favorite old-fashioned fairytale romance by sinead / 12443 w. / E

Such a small touch, that whisper of skin against skin.

Perfect Beautiful Good by OnYourMark / 16201 w. / E

Neal Caffrey doesn't know it, but he's probably the best thing that ever happened to Peter and Elizabeth's sex life.

Never Leave A Trace by copperbadge/ 16664 w. / E

Neal Caffrey can steal souls. Peter Burke has two shadows. Everything's normal...except when it isn't.

The Love Nest by china_shop / 17488 w. / E

Neal came into Peter's office and closed the door after him. He seemed pensive.

"Um, Peter?"

"What?" Peter looked up, caught himself blushing, and looked back down at his paperwork. "What is it?"

"Your wife just asked me out on a date," said Neal.

Fandom: Supernatural Pairing : Destiel

Famil(iarit)y by Niitza / 14914 w. / G

Deep down Dean always knew, from the moment that skinwalker bit him all those years ago, that this is how he'd end up: a stray, unwanted by dad - who stopped seeing him as anything else than a watchdog for Sam a long time ago -, and unwanted by Sam - who wanted him to be anything but.

So here he is, with nothing but his own senses and fangs to keep himself safe and fed, with nothing but his own hide to keep himself warm. And winter's just getting started. Fortunately, he's found the right kind of town to get through it, the right neighborhood to pilfer until the worst is past. Even, maybe, the right house.

Skazka - A Woodland Fairytale by Angrysouffle, Nishka / 17786 w. / E

Satyr Dean's seemingly idyllic existence of getting drunk and debauching virgins is chanllenged when he meets Dryad Cas. Friction and embarassing leaf munching ensues. Throw in a half-Demonling brother who is keen to look up tree sex in the lore and Cas' suspiciously sexy sensing root, Dean is about to take phallic worship to a new level. Will this unlikely couple find their happily ever after?

The Lonely Sea and The Sky by whelvenwings / 23212 w. / G

When Dean, a little lost and a little lonely, finds himself wishing on a star one night, he doesn't expect anything to come of it, and certainly not for the star in question to fall right out of the sky.

The very last thing that he could have possibly anticipated is Castiel - winged, angry and looking for the grace that he lost in the fall, so that he can get back to Heaven. Dean's a little fascinated by Castiel, and Castiel is intrigued by Dean and his seafaring life. But Castiel has to go back to Heaven, and finding the grace has to be his first priority, even though it often seems he would rather put Dean first.

But Dean knows it's foolish to hope. After all, a bird may fall in love with a fish - but where would they live?

The Mirror by cloudyjenn / 24568 w. / M

When Dean touches a strange mirror, he's whisked away to one alternate reality after another and it doesn't take him long to realize the universe is trying to tell him something.

When Charlie Met Cas by riseofthefallenone / 24666 w. / M

Charlie is back in all her glory. The Winchesters have showed up on her doorstep and she’s making the best of it the only way she knows how. By being the little sister Dean never wanted and shipping the shit out of Destiel.

There Might Have Been a Time by SailorChibi for Mirenithil / 24692 w. / E

Like everyone else Dean has always looked forward to his 21st birthday, when his countdown timer would appear and tell him how much longer he had until he met his soul mate. And at least then he would know whether or not he was an alpha like John always wanted, even though the name of his soul mate was written in a weird language he couldn't read.

But then it actually happened, and Dean was positive he actually met his soul mate... unless that was a dream.

On the other hand, as the years go by and his countdown ticks away, the increased strength and vision, lack of a need for food or sleep, and weird new growths on his back that seem to be growing feathers(?!) suggest otherwise...

The Request by cloudyjenn / 36770 w. / M

When Sam Winchester prays for his brother, Castiel is finally sent on his very first assignment. But what should be a simple love match turns into much more and Castiel finds himself risking everything to ensure the happiness of his extremely frustrating charge.

An Accidental Incubus by jupiter_james / 39969 w. / E

On a hunt gone wrong, Dean finds himself cursed to be an incubus. While Sam and Charlie rush to find a cure before the change is permanent, Castiel decides to become Dean's "offering" when the hunter begins to deteriorate under the effects of the change.

The Souls of Men by nagapdragon/ 40641 w. / E (Also Sabriel)

Sam hates that moment in an exorcism, right after the demon leaves, when the daemon explodes into a puff of gold and they know they’ve failed one more person. Every time they finish a job where someone doesn’t make it, Aurora curls around Machaera in a silent reminder that far too soon, they’ll have to watch Machaera turn to a pile of gold dust, too.

Starting in Season 3 and moving on through the timeline.

Try-Something Tuesday by almaasi / 48284 w. / E

Human AU. Dean Winchester teaches a third-grade class. He's new to this whole ‘bisexual’ thing - but by pure happenstance, he meets Castiel: a particularly dapper male librarian who moonlights as a substitute teacher. Dean's curious and Castiel is willing, so why the hellnot?

Except, fate never intended it to be one-time-only... (with art by valiantparadox)

The Prophet Must Die by imogenbynight / 54455 w. / M

"What about Castiel? He seems helpful... and dreamy."

Something about the comment just isn't sitting right, and Dean's jaw twitches. He stares at the wall in the dark, and at a quarter past four in the morning, it hits him.

"Asshole," Dean hisses under his breath, sitting up straight, "that sonofabitch kept publishing."

In All Your Borrowed Finery by vanishingact / 67950 w. / E (Equal part Sabriel!!)

Dean finds an interesting symbol in Kevin's angel tablet notes and, against Sam's counselling, uses it in the heat of battle with a pair of angelic assassins. Side effects include pain, disorientation, and uncontrollable new appendages for the Winchesters. A disgruntled Castiel and a delighted Gabriel show up to help. Hunting (and life) gets interesting when wings are involved.

Includes artwork! (Both relationships are featured in detail, but the plot happens to be *slightly* more Sabriel-driven.)

Forget-Me-Not Blues by noangelsinthegarrison / 68689 w. / E

Sam and Jess are getting married and Dean couldn’t be any happier for them. Honestly, they’re kind of disgustingly perfect for each other and Dean’s pretty damn excited about staying with them the week before the wedding. He’s Sam’s best man, of course, and he doesn’t even mind that Jess has her own best man to share in all the organisational duties. The more the merrier, right?

Except Dean must have done something to epically piss off the universe because Jess’s best man just happens to be Castiel friggin’ Novak. He’s got even hotter since High School, but apparently no friendlier and if Cas wants to spend the week pretending like they’ve never met before? Fine. Two can play at that game.

How (thanks to Gabriel) Dean and Castiel (accidentally) raised each other (and Sam). by Vera (Vera_DragonMuse) / 69693 w. / E (Also Sabriel)

In which, Gabriel meddles with the time line and Castiel becomes Dean's angel rather sooner than intended.

How (thanks to Gabriel) Dean and Castiel (accidentally) raised each other (and Sam). by Vera (Vera_DragonMuse) / 69693 w. / E (Also Sabriel)

In which, Gabriel meddles with the time line and Castiel becomes Dean's angel rather sooner than intended.

All the Way by cadignan, Guu / 80919 w. / E

Castiel spends the first two weeks of college in much the same way he spent the previous years: alone with his books. He’s fine with it—he enrolled in college to learn, after all. Then in his first chemistry lab, he has the bad luck of being paired with snide, good-for-nothing Ruby, and the further misfortune of sitting behind Dean Winchester, the world’s most beautiful distraction.

Ruby catches Castiel staring at Dean and makes him an offer.

Have Love, Will Travel by squeemonster/ 94054 w. / E

Castiel Novak is a reclusive writer with a childhood so tragic it's left him terrified to leave his home—until his overbearing brother, Gabriel, drags him out for a night on the town full of booze and strip clubs, and he encounters Dean Winchester, a mesmerizing and mysterious stripper with secrets of his own. Both men find themselves inexplicably drawn to each other, and soon Dean's private dances for Castiel become much more, as both men confess their troubles and find solace in each other's company. But neither can seem to find the courage to take their relationship further than the intimacy of the club's VIP Room—and just when Dean's own brother gives him the excuse he needs to finally admit his feelings, Dean discovers something that brings it all crumbling down. Will they find a way past their demons and their trust issues, and back to each other?

The Best Years of Our Lives, My Ass by ireallyhatecornnuts (CharleyFoxtrot) / 110801 w. / E

AU after Season 8, episode 6, "Southern Comfort."

Dean goes to sleep in a motel room in Texarkana, and he wakes up 17 years old, in his childhood bedroom in Lawrence, Kansas, 1996. He has no idea how he got there, why his parents are still alive, why his brother is an adorable freshman with no memory of his adult life, and why the only ally he has in this place is the angel he left behind in Purgatory – somehow also 17 years old. They have to get out, that's the important thing. Only, falling in love with his angel wasn't a part of the plan....

Kiss the Baker by Ltleflrt/ 115159 w. / Series / M and E (ltleflrt.tumblr.com)

Part 1 : Kiss the Baker by Ltleflrt

Jo is pregnant and craving something a little bit unusual. When she sends Dean on a mission to find her some chocolate cake donuts with bacon sprinkles, he's sure that he'll fail. Luckily his partner Benny comes to his rescue and introduces him to a quirky little bakery that sells all kinds of weird (and delicious!) baked goods. And they do special orders! Dean finds excuses to keep going back, and Castiel finds excuses to keep giving him special treats.

Cursed Or Not by Ltleflrt / 115223 w. / E (ltleflrt.tumblr.com)

While experimenting with magic when he was a kid, Sam accidentally cursed Dean. Now, Dean is forced to wear a spelled amulet constantly, or he'll turn into a random animal. For a little over a decade, he's learned to live with the curse, and has even found it useful in some cases, but he sure would be happier without it.

When he meets a witch named Castiel, he's offered a deal. Instead of assuming all witches are bad, Dean can spend a season getting to know him. If at the end of the season, Dean still thinks he's evil Castiel will send him away with his memory wiped of the whole experience. But if he learns that Castiel is not the monster Dean assumes he is, he'll lift Dean's curse. It's an offer Dean can't bring himself to pass up.

Hooked On Your Love by Ltleflrt/ 122217 w. / Series / E (ltleflrt.tumblr.com)

Part 1: Addicted To You by Ltleflrt

Dean is a Warlock. A very very drunk Warlock. Oh, and a horny Warlock. Hey, he knows how to summon a succubus! He should totally do that. Hell yeah! Guaranteed hot sex! Except that spellcasting while drunk is a Very Bad Idea. He's just too drunk to remember that.

Painted Angels 'verse by WinJennster / 133969 w. / Series / All Ratings

Part 1 : Painted Angels by WinJennster for ANobleCompanion

Author Castiel Novak has finally hit the big time, with a book based on his failed college relationship with a brilliant painter. He's put all his pain behind him, but at a book signing, he comes face to face with Dean Winchester for the first time in twelve years, and the reunion doesn't go like Cas hoped.

Dean's a broken man, with a lot of scars and secrets, shoulders weighed down by his demons and self loathing. Cas sees a second chance with the man he's never stopped loving, but Dean's moved on, and is about to get married. Sam launches a "brilliant" plan to reunite his brother and his best friend, but Cas is worried it will all blow up in their faces, and he'll go through the agony of losing Dean a second time.

Satin and Sawdust by Ltleflrt / 159594 w. / E (ltleflrt.tumblr.com)

When Castiel moves out of Jimmy's house and into his own place for the first time, he saves money on buying a home by investing in a Fixer-Upper. He knows nothing about how to fix the many problems the house has, but he figures he's smart enough to figure it out. Unfortunately it's not too long before he learns that he's way in over his head.

Thankfully his new neighbor Dean is a handyman, and agrees to help him out. He knows Dean has a bit of a crush on him, but he's not taking advantage of it, really. Dean's a great guy, and quickly becomes a good friend. But a flash of satin under Dean's toolbelt changes everything.

Like Cats and Dogs by sweetdean / 188749 w. / E

Dean Winchester, Alpha, lead Hunter for the Pack, is in need of a mate. His wolf is out of control, he's on edge, and nothing seems to be doing the trick. Dean is convinced that he'll never find a mate, but when the Pack's Council forces him to figure it out before he ends up going rogue, Dean doesn't have much of a choice.

Problem is, Dean isn't interested in what the members of his pack have to offer; and that means looking elsewhere. Dean knew his mate would have to be different. He just didn't know what "different" would really mean, and how "different" would bring his whole world crashing down on top of him.

Angel's Wild by LimonadeGaby, riseofthefallenone / 389271 w. / E

But that’s the whole reason he’s here, isn’t it? He’s not out here hunting Humans. He’s not even hunting deer, or bears, or anything else that featured in Bambi. He’s out here, freezing his nuts off every night, because he’s hunting Angels.

Sometimes Dean wishes that Angels were like how they’re described in the Bible. How people from time too old for him to care much about thought Angels were messengers and warriors of God,protectors of Humans. He knows that how they’re really described in the Bible is actually pretty terrifying, but at least they were told by God that they’re supposed to love Humans, right? That’s a thousand times better than what Angels really turned out to be.

Writtenby:riseofthefallenone Artist and co-author: limonadegaby

Out of the Deep by riseofthefallenone / 909874 w. / Series / T and E (this takes serious dedication but so worth it... don’t be scared ;))

Part 1 : Out of the Deep by riseofthefallenone

Stay away from the light-beds. Stay in the deep. It is the first thing hatchlings are taught the moment their fans unfurl and they can swim without their parents to buoy them along. It is the first rule, the first law. It is the beginning of every boogey-monster bedtime story told when they settle against the cliffs to sleep. Castiel should have listened better.

Fandom: Supernatural Pairing : SamxDean (no rude comments plz!)

Stay The Distance by lazy_daze / 23934 w. / E

"You know why. I'm not leaving my brother alone out there."

Sam is dependent on Dean's touch and closeness after the wall falls - Dean's presence reminds him of why he chose to wake up, and keeps the memories at bay, allowing Sam to function.

The brothers have to face up to what happens when their Winchester codependency becomes literal, and the physical, spatial and temporal boundaries of their bond blur the line between familiar and suffocating, comforting and limiting.

Hit the Ground Crawling by jonny_vrm (elmo_loves_me) / 28122 w. / E

After Sam pulls Dean out of Hell, Dean stops talking. It takes a week for Sam to convince Dean to open his mouth so Sam can check that his tongue hasn't been cut out. It takes two weeks for Sam to accept that Dean really isn't talking. Then it takes a week of silence, the two of them sitting in the Impala like ventriloquist dummies, sitting in motel rooms like human taxidermy, before Sam decides to start talking for the both of them.

Old Country by astolat / 40639 w. / E (crossover Harry Potter)

Sam and Dean go to Hogwarts.

(spoilers for All Hell Breaks Loose, Deathly Hallows)

Courting Death by theproblematique / 50723 w. / E

Sam Winchester lived the first six months of his life in a happy family; the next twelve years as John Winchester's only son, and the last decade as an orphan. He's supposed to die at twenty-two trying to save the woman he loves from a fire, because he doesn't have a brother to pull him back. But the night Sam meets his Reaper he discovers that Death is overly fond of pop-culture references, too beautiful to be real, and reluctant to kill him.

Fandom: Supernatural Pairing : SamxDeanxCas (no rude comments plz!)

Not a bird by zation / 11100 w. / E

Castiel finds himself alone in the Winchesters’ motel room and as he waits for the brothers he feels the need to groom his wings. Sam and Dean eventually arrive and things get out of Castiel’s somewhat confused hands.

Or, The one where Sam just couldn’t let that opportunity pass him by.

Share Each Other Like An Island by TheGeminiSage / 27576 w. / E

Dean never expected to see his amulet again, much less with Sam's soul inside. But after a century in Hell, Sam's soul is broken so badly that Castiel says it'll take a lifetime to heal, and that's a lifetime they don't have, not with Sam's body still hellbent on killing Bobby.

Together, Dean and Castiel set themselves the task of learning the amulet's complicated history, and just what Sam did on his last night on earth.

Enfleurage by saltandbyrne / 29155 w. / E

Castiel is a struggling perfumer with a rare gift. When a handsome new customer orders a custom scent for his husband, Castiel is drawn into a world he never imagined. Dean and Sam have secrets, and Castiel might be the only person who can share them.

CollegeAngels.com by tiptoe39 / 33540 w. / E

AU. Dean and Sam have always been a little too close, and Dean knows it's wrong -- so he heads to college, hoping that he'll meet someone there who will keep his mind off his little brother. He meets Castiel, who has a business proposal for him --- join Cas in bed, and online, for live webcam site CollegeAngels.com. Through Castiel, Dean learns about sex, kink, and freedom, and he finally feels pride instead of shame for who he is.

But then Sam gets accepted to the same school, and he wants to live with Dean...

Fandom: Supernatural Pairing : None

Into This Wild Abyss by jacyevans / 17809 w. / T

A year after Sam jumps into the cage, Dean finds him alive, but missing an integral piece of himself - his daemon, Astrid. Dean knows she isn't lost, and he and his own daemon, Saskia, embark on a quest to find a way to bring her home. Their search brings them to Lyra Belacqua, a mysterious hunter who tells them that the only way to find Astrid is to speak with Death. Death offers Dean an ultimatum: become Death for a day, and he will do everything in his power to bring Astrid back. However, this means doing the unthinkable - Dean must leave Saskia behind.

Fandom: Suits Pairing : Marvey

In The Middle (Before I Knew I Had Begun) by PanBoleyn / 4398 w. / M

It's an accident, when Mike touches Lyla. But everything follows from there.

(Or maybe everything follows from the moment Rhi saw the golden tiger and all she could think was how beautiful she was.)

love will come through (it's just waiting for you) by tattooedsiren / 7113 w. / M

"I just need more time," Harvey says, almost begs.

Because he's not ready for this, not yet. He knows, the way he's certain Mike does too, that if they do this then that's it. For better or worse, this will either make them or completely ruin them.

They are standing at the crossroad of that, but he's not yet ready to choose his path.

The Cat That Walked By Himself by Xanthe / 8737 w. / T

Everyone has a soul animal, but the ability to see them has faded. Harvey Specter possesses not only the ability to see them but also to transform into his own soul animal. Harvey likes to think of himself as the cat that walks by himself, but that changes when he meets Mike Ross, and comes face to face with the rarest soul animal of all…

Extract: If Harvey hadn’t had the Specter gift for seeing into a person’s soul and glimpsing the true self within, then he would have sent Mike Ross packing the minute he showed up for a job interview carrying a suitcase full of weed. The reason he didn’t was because he looked into Mike’s soul and saw something he’d never seen before - and it shocked him to his core.

Second Spin by machtaholic (cinderella81) / 12999 w. / M

It all started when Kyle broke one of Harvey's records. Kyle knew a guy who knew a guy. In comes Mike Ross, owner of the record shop Second Spin.

There are sparks, but both men are fairly stubborn ... but don't worry, this is me. It has a happy ending. :D

a life sentence (in your arms) by tattooedsiren / 13086 w. / T

Harvey doesn't know why the following words come out of his mouth. It's the lawyer in him, he supposes, always trying to get to the truth of the matter. And besides, he's been accused of many things over the years, and tact is rarely one of them.

"So, are you a prostitute?" Mike bursts out laughing.

"No, no I'm not. But it's a common misconception. I'm a professional cuddler."

something inevitable by tattooedsiren / 14853 w. / E

He would be lying if he said he wasn't tempted. Because he has known Mike for a grand total of twenty minutes and already knows that Mike would work hard, could excel if given the chance. And more than that, he likes this kid, his bravado and cheek, the way he can give back as good as he gets. And Harvey only expected to find someone he could tolerate; he never anticipated finding someone he actually liked. But he can't do it. There are bigger things at play here. He would be betraying Jessica - she’s done so much for him, more than he could ever enumerate, and hiring someone with no degree is not a fine way to repay her.

So as much as he wants to go back, to say, "You're hired, you start on Monday," he can't. He won't.

Instead he says, "The coast is clear."

[AU in which Harvey doesn't hire Mike in the pilot episode.]

Crescendo by smartalli for starskeeper / 26334 w. / E

Music & Lyrics inspired AU. Harvey Specter was on top of the world and on top of the charts – until his father died and his partner betrayed him, abandoning Harvey to launch his own solo career. Without him, without a partner to compose the music, Harvey’s career is in jeopardy. And with just a month left until his album is due, the clock is ticking. He thinks he’s done for, until he passes by a storefront and sees a man in a gray hoodie, hunched over in front of a piano, fingers flying over the keys.

Grande Soy Triple Dirty Chai by friskaz / 38301 w. / M

Every fandom needs a barista au.

Original prompt on the kink meme: "Harvey is (still) a lawyer. Mike is the only barista that gets his coffee order right, and isn't afraid of a bit of intelligent and snarky banter."

I don't feel right (when you're gone away) by IDreamOnlyOfYou (lauren3210) / 47575 w. / E

Harvey loves his suits. But there maybe something else he loves more. He just needs a little something to help him realise it before it's too late.

Better Days by turnyourankle / 58520 w. / E

June, 1999.

Mike Ross has just graduated high school, and is about to enjoy one last carefree summer before attending Columbia University. With two part-time jobs, demanding friends, and having to prep for college, Mike thinks his summer is set.

What he doesn’t expect is developing a crush on his friend’s older brother.

Pizza-Verse by Closer / 65613 w. / Series / T to E

In an alternate universe, Harvey's still the best closer in New York but Mike's not a runner for Trevor: he's a pizza deliveryman, Harvey's favorite pizza deliveryman. And Harvey's discovery that Mike's more than he lets on will change everyone's lives...

Told and retold through Mike, Donna, and Harvey's point of view, with new scenes and reactions each time.

Part 1 : Pizza And A Movie by Closer

Fandom: Suits and Teen Wolf Pairing : Marvey and Sterek

Uneven Odds by Dark_K / 93273 w. / M

Harvey is having a tough time adjusting to the way things are at the firm right now. Mike doesn't know if he'll ever have Harvey's trust back. Derek is afraid he's made all the wrong choices, and Stiles... well, Stiles may be a little too broken to know what to do anymore.

The one where they are brothers - they just have no idea what that means.

Fandom: Merlin (BBC) Pairing : Merthur

The Wall of Arthur by supercalvin / 4557 w. / M

In a surprisingly good David Attenborough impression, Gwaine said, “Here you see the remarkable mating ritual of the Merlin and the Arthur. Which involves mostly insults and swearing.”

Or: How Merlin and Arthur Met and Why There is a Restroom Wall Dedicated to Arthur’s Ass

Strike of Lightning by helloearthlings / 4830 w. / T

Uther's commandment was very simple: If there should come a day when Arthur met his soulmate, he would drive a sword through their chest and kill them on sight.

All's Well That Ends Well by StormDancer / 6298 w. / E

Merlin spent the week and a half that Arthur was gone splitting his time between crafting careful explanations that never ended up explaining the important things, the things that would make Arthur listen, and making half-baked plans to escape to Ealdor.

He found a number of fire-proofing spells that would have no effect if they decided to cut his head off, and figured out how to adapt an invulnerability spell he had been trying to find a way to cast on Arthur without him noticing so that it would protect him from being decapitated, but it would have no effect on anything but metal.

Despite all his frantic searching, he did not find a teleportation spell, because that would have been too simple and if there was one thing Merlin had learned in his years at Camelot, it was that nothing was ever simple.

The Pact by Cori Lannam (corilannam) for vissy / 17700 w. / E

The ancient Albion Pact demands that the Prince of Wales must take someone magic born as his soul-bonded consort by the time he is 30 or face death. Before he was a Detective Inspector Warlock, Merlin Emrys was young and in love and made a promise to Prince Arthur -- and now Arthur is calling it in.

The Crown of the Summer Court by astolat / 24339 w. / E

"The king sent me to get you," Merlin said, with a tone that implied strongly that he wasn't rolling his eyes where Arthur could see, but just wait until his back was turned.

"He said you're to get changed into formal clothes and meet him in the Great Hall, there's a delegation coming from the Summer Court."

The Practice Boyfriend by giselleslash / 24495 w. / M

Merlin’s been in love with Lance for years, but he hasn’t had much experience dating and he wants to figure out the ins and outs of dating before Lance comes back into his life.

Cue Arthur and his manwhoring ways, ready and willing to show Merlin the ropes.

Stars Above, Stones Below by Destina / 46843 w. / E

After the disastrous end of his betrothal to Gwen and the regret of his offer to Princess Mithian, Arthur swears off finding a wife until he's ready to wed. When Merlin offers himself to Arthur as bedmate, Arthur suggests they hand-fast in secret for a single year of mutual pleasure without obligation.

As their year together unfolds, and secrets and betrayals unravel around them, Arthur and Merlin learn there is no such thing as uncomplicated pleasure. Everything they thought they knew can change in the span of a single year.

Emrys Ascending by tricksterity / 110864 w. / T (crossover Harry Potter)

In the depths of the Crystal of Neahtid, Merlin sees the resurrection of Lord Voldemort, an event that will tip the balance of the world so far out that only he has the power to intervene and set it right, or stop it from ever happening. For that, he'll have to pose as a student and attend Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

The only problem is, he's been chosen instead of Cedric Diggory as a Triwizard Champion, and there's a recently reborn Arthur Pendragon in Gryffindor House.

A Modern Manservant by Mamalazzer / 112645 w. / E

A modern magical comedy very loosely based on Ugly Betty.

Publishing king Uther Pendragon has had enough of his playboy son seducing every female assistant he has ever had so he hires Merlin, a man he is sure Arthur will never sleep with. Merlin would be more insulted by this fact if he wasn’t so busy trying to juggle his duties, save Arthur's skin from ruthless fashionistas and keep his magic a secret at the same time.

Expect appearances by oil-lathered knights, the occasional mad druid, a perverted Will and a mental caretaker who lives in the basement and keeps harping on about coins and destiny.

The Student Prince by FayJay / 145222 w. / M

A Modern day Merlin AU set at the University of St Andrews, featuring teetotal kickboxers, secret wizards, magnificent bodyguards of various genders, irate fairies, imprisoned dragons, crumbling gothic architecture, arrogant princes, adorable engineering students, stolen gold, magical doorways, attempted assassination, drunken students, shaving foam fights, embarrassing mornings after, The Hammer Dance, duty, responsibility, friendship and true love...

This story was inspired by the thought of Prince William of Wales (and indeed the current Max von Hapsburg) studying at the University of St Andrews; it is also, as the title suggests, at least a little inspired by the operetta 'The Student Prince'.

And that’s it lovelies!! Hope you enjoyed the rec ;)

#supernatural #destiel #samxdean #samxdeanxcas #marvey #suits #merthur #merlin #white collar #nealxelizabethxpeter #london spy #alex x danny #rec list #my rec list #other fandoms #00Q #james bond

1K notes · View notes