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genderqueerdykes · 2 years

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heyy i’ve seen you’ve given advice regarding gender n questioning identity so i was hoping u could help me out too!

i’m afab my relationship w gender is difficult. i’ve identified as demigirl for some time then went back to “nah im actually cis” and now i’m in the questioning limbo again (id as agender). i’ve done some research on gender and stuff and genderqueer is the one that really speaks to me

i call myself queer and i fucking love it but when it comes to genderqueer im so scared of being a sort of intruder in the community? you look at me i’m literally a cis girl who uses she/her pronouns and presents femininely. there’s literally nothing queer about my gender on the outside. but on the inside it’s a mess

i’d love to look more androgynous but it’s not like i live in a total safe environment. i just know my family would start talking shit about it (plus im a teenager. we don’t really know what we want in life, do we)

anyways the thing is, despite all of this, can i use and embrace the label genderqueer? as i said, im afraid of not belonging in the community since it’s such a powerful and important identity for so many people

im so sorry this got so long!! i know no one needs permission to use a label (and i’m a firm believer of that) but im way too anxious about this. i really appreciate any thoughts!

i have severe imposter syndrome, so i understand what it feels like to feel like an intruder- when i was first coming out as trans, i came out as genderqueer without using the word genderqueer. i said i identified as neither, but both, and people accepted me without question and honestly loved seeing what i did with playing with gender. hell i felt like i wasn't trans enough the whole time too, like i was invading the trans community, even though everyone around me was like damn, look at that cool trans genderqueer person, they're so unique

it's okay to feel estranged, but i want you to know that everything you said makes you genderqueer and that you definitely belong in the community =) the label is a massive umbrella, as well as an identity unto itself. i absolutely love the genderqueer community, umbrella and identity, i've felt safe here ever since i started identifying this way. it's just who i am. you will see people in this community who boldly wear drag and look like the living embodiment of androgyny... and then you'll just see "normal every day people". we are a mixed bunch and we're here for our siblings that can't present the way they want, or don't know how to! being a community is about helping each other figure out how to get to where we need to be < 3

it sounds like it's who you are, too! you do not have to present a certain way on the outside for you to belong to a community. gender presentation and gender identity are separate from one another- if you don't feel cis, you aren't. doesn't matter what pronouns you use, doesn't matter how you dress. if you feel queer, you're queer. you don't have to change anything about yourself to embrace the face that that's what you feel and that's who you are underneath the exterior. you're allowed to have a rich inner life that no one else can see!

you are definitely welcome to use the label pal, feel free! you belong! you'll evolve as you age and figure out how you want to present and how you want to play and experiment with your gender on the outside. for now it's okay to focus on how you feel on the inside =) take care! glad you reached out, hope this helps u feel better!

#asks #answers #genderqueer #questioning

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lylethewarblerguy · 3 years

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It's cishet people (mostly women) co-opting a liberatory portrayal of queer-male femininity and androgyny to suit their assimilationist idea of queer relationships, and I HAAAAATE it.

Season 1 Kurt's femininity/androgyny is *EXPLICITLY* a rejection of assimilation and is an "I have to be who I am" story...

Glee as a whole, even in S1, isn't the most liberatory framework... the characters on the whole are a little too invested in high school power dynamics... But they *do* have a running theme of breaking out of that structure...

But Kurt's story in particular *IS* a rejection of that rigid social order.

... Even in S2, there's an assimilation/liberation allegory at Dalton. It's *NOT* subtle. I mean, they literally kill a bird in service of this symbolism...

(I don't think it necessarily WORKS so much, partially because the showrunners seem to have different ideas of what the point of the Dalton arc was... but it's there and is clearly an assimilation/liberation narrative, to me.)

And I think this dynamic is part of why in retrospect I *REALLY* hate Blaine in S2... moreso than in S3, to be honest.

Because the "did you notice we all wear uniforms here?" kind of stuff that pervades that season... It makes sense from an implied character backstory for Blaine that never ACTUALLY gets written (and basically gets retconned when he starts wearing his S3 wardrobe)...

But it also REALLY irks me because Blaine is the Other Gay Character, and he's supposed to represent something of a narrative foil to Kurt... He's portrayed as "more masculine" (for some value of those words) and that... is annoying, but it makes some narrative sense if they were going to do something with it... but he's also (in S2) there to fit-in more and be a representation of a more 'acceptable' face of gay people, and to help Kurt "fit in" too...

The fact that Kurt breaks free from Dalton is an important part of his arc... But the reason I hate Blaine's S2 characterisation is because Kurt breaking free from Dalton should have HAD to mean breaking free from Blaine too. Blaine REPRESENTS all the same things Dalton did for Kurt in that arc, and the fact that Blaine sticks around, gets rewritten, and becomes a major McKinley character just... really weakens the S2 Kurt storyline message.

A better Season 2 Kurt arc would have had Kurt and Blaine get together quicker and break up when Kurt left Dalton. I'm not saying it would have been as satisfying a moment in the cultural zeitgeist... but it would have been a better story for *KURT* who, remember, was the main character in this arc, not Blaine!

You're absolutely right and you should say it. I agree with all of this.

My issue is that the show keeps saying "be yourself" and "fuck the status quo" but then like... puts WAY too much emphasis on adhering to the status quo. They make a whole season-long arc that culminates in Kurt accepting that he shouldn't need to change who he is to fit in. But then they undercut that by continuing to shit on him for being GNC all the way into season 6, AND they have Blaine, who in the show is portrayed as straight-passing, fitting in all the time. Like the second Kurt does anything gay McKinley high comes to beat the shit out of him, but straight-passing Blaine can be as openly gay as he wants and no one ever has a problem with it. And the show doesn't represent this as some kind of unfair bias, it instead puts the onus on Kurt to change. Which he does in later seasons, at which point he finally does start being somewhat accepted.

The show keeps saying to just "be yourself" but then it treats the characters it says that to like absolute shit for being themselves and only shows them respect when they assimilate. I feel like the shows idea of queer representation is to show cishet people that "hey queer people can be normal too!" rather than to actually represent and help queer people.

#anti blaine anderson #lol blaine anderson #glee meta

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ghost-band-aids · 4 years

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Interview with GHOST and TRIBULATION

The Undisguised Truth

TOBIAS FORGE and JONATHAN HULTÉN have a lot in common. While one of them currently slips into the role of the exalted charmer Cardinal Copia as the singer of GHOST, the introverted TRIBULATION guitarist on stage transforms into a fascinating, expressive being who exists beyond genre and gender boundaries. What is real, what is an artificial figure? METAL HAMMER met both of them during their tour together for a conversation that allows far more than just a look behind the scenes of two of the most popular metal bands at the moment, but also unexpectedly intimate insights.

Tobias, originally you didn't want to be the singer of Ghost. Did the mask help you to come to terms with this exposed role?

Tobias Forge: Yes, well, at least from today's point of view. But I never wanted to be unknown.

What function does your stage make-up have, Jonathan?

Jonathan Hultén: It helps me to put myself in a certain mood. The idea behind it is to isolate and reinforce a fraction of myself, an aspect of my personality. To immerse myself in this is an experience beyond the everyday state of mind.

Strengthen also Cardinal Copia or Papa Emeritus facets of your personality, Tobias?

Tobias Forge: I'm not shy, but I'm not as sociable as Cardinal Copia - and also not a "physical clown" like him. What I do is a kind of mixed bag. I imitate people I find funny or interesting.

Basically, the way actors do it. If you asked Robert DeNiro how he came up with the young Don Corieone, he would probably say: Well, there was this guy in my old neighborhood... The costume gives you the opportunity to completely surrender yourself in that moment and just be that new person. That's interesting, because you only reveal it to a few people for a limited time. You don't have to see how that person lives the other 22 hours of the day. Like with actors: James Bond is cool because you only see certain sides of him. Never in the bathroom or shower. Well, not in the toilet, in the shower. But always in the company of a snake or something he kills.

How long does the transformation take?

Tobias Forge: But you finished much sooner than I did.

Jonathan Hultén: For pragmatic reasons. I like to get it done as soon as possible so as not to get in a bind later. How about you?

Tobias Forge: We have a very tight schedule. Pretty much exactly one hour before the show starts I walk in the door as Tobias and come out as someone else.

What does this transformation do to you?

Jonathan Hultén: You have to enter a stage with emphasis. So it's good to be prepared.

Tobias Forge: And that's what happens within this hour. You slowly start to move differently... I love being a different person for two hours and then changing back. But I need some time for that, usually I stay alone for an hour after the show.

Jonathan Hultén: That's good. As far as I can, I try to do the same. Mostly by doing something that I can be introspective about... ...carry things back and forth or something.

Tobias Forge: I think that's very important. There is potential suffering in art, especially in mental health. The smaller the discrepancy between yourself and the person you are portraying on stage, the harder it is to deal with. If you are merely associated with your stage character, people expect you to behave like that in real life.

And that can be problematic...

Tobias Forge: Exactly, because they created this super human being who can do anything, who has a carte blanche. Everyone applauds, everyone laughs, and everything you do is funny or cool. And if you take it to the bar afterwards... There are bad examples of people who can't get down in normal life, become alcoholics or, well, die.

Jonathan Hultén: Sure, all that can be destructive. But in my case it was very helpful to discover my more explosive, extroverted sides. And to dare to give them more space, because privately I am quite shy. That's also part of the process of building up, which takes a long time.

I gradually gain self-confidence from this, so that I can now express myself better in everyday situations.

Tobias Forge: I think they are one and the same. It's like mental martial arts, where the person who doesn't like the fight, but still has to face it - within the limits of the dojo, of course, so as not to hurt anyone. And, yes, art is basically good for anyone who has the desire to become someone else. It's a generalization, but I think there's a lot of truth in it: many artists choose this path because they weren't very popular at school. Or they can't come out of themselves, but their art offers them an opportunity to do so. It's fun to go on stage, to transform and feed off the energy or admiration.

How you interact with the audience has changed over the years.

Tobias Forge: Sure. The masked person has an advantage of about 70 concerts, so 1,000 hours on stage. If I had given myself the same amount of time to develop without the make-up, without the role, just with acoustic guitar, I might have created a completely different stage personality. But this is completely uninteresting for me, because I prefer this super character! (laughs)

Jonathan Hultén: transformation would then no longer be so dramatic, but much more subtle.

Tobias Forge: And you'd have to be comfortable in your own skin.

Jonathan Hultén: I'm working on it. (laughs)

Jonathan, your solo debut, CHANTS FROM ANOTHER PLACE, will be released soon and you will also be touring with Chelsea Wolfe. Will you be different on stage there than you are here with Tribulation?

Jonathan Hultén: It has become harder to separate the two. They are like different shades of the same color. And I've found that they both borrow a lot from each other. The tribulation performer exists much longer, so he has much more experience. He/she is like an archaeologist who explores an inner wildness and passion. Over the years a lot of weird stuff has been dug up and included.

On the other hand, the solo performer, who has only been around for about three yen and is still is at the beginning of the excavations. However, I expect that also here many interesting things will appear

What can we expect from you live?

Jonathan Hultén: Just like with Tribulation, the atmosphere will be very important. But apart from some dramatic excursions, the show will be mostly silent and contemplative. The silence gives more room for more complex emotions to unfold in a way that I miss in the energetic performances of Tribulation.

These in turn defy the unwritten rules of a traditional metal show, not least thanks to you. Tribulation are considered a death metal band...

Tobias Forge: I wouldn’t call you guys like that.

Do you see yourselves as pioneers? Do you enjoy being different?

Jonathan Hultén: I stopped thinking about whether people see me as stupid, weird or whatever. It's the only way I can do it. Headbanging just wasn't enough. I felt there had to be something bigger, some kind of ectase. This may be weird, but it feels good.

How important are grace and style to you?

Jonathan Hultén: Both are important, but it's equally important not to be obsessively attached to them. Someone once said that grace is a combination of spontaneity and control. It's a good rule of thumb - on and off stage. It's always about balance. Every situation is unique and requires a unique approach.

Tobias Forge: You should be really proud of it, apart from the fact that your music is great. Your performance is dramatically different from any other. Besides the music, your physical attributes and the way you present yourself make you a very unique and interesting person. Strange, cash, different. You should definitely pursue that. Yes, I think you should see yourself as a pioneer.

Jonathan Hultén: Mm, thank you. (chuckles)

What does that do to your audience?

Tobias Forge: If you are a live musician, have an antenna for it and you don't completely care, you always enter a symbiosis with the fans. Give and take, almost like in a physical relationship. You will try to perfect ways to give pleasure to each other. I know it sounds weird, but every decent relationship changes with age. You grow together, you have new needs or ideas. That's why some couples bring in other people, or whips or plugs. It's the same with you and the audience. During our second show I noticed that our audience is very positive, but I couldn't make a rhyme out of it.

Why that?

Tobias Forge: The room was filled with Hard Rock people, the kind of people I've been playing to since I was a teenager. But they weren't headbanging as usual. Instead they did something else.

Jonathan Hultén: Wiggle.

Tobias Forge: Yeah, they were wiggling around. (laughs) And singing and laughing, very different from what I knew from Death or Black Metal shows.

Are there any other special features of your fans?

Tobias Forge: When we played the first headliner shows in America, I noticed for the first time the gender diversity in our audience. Our fans are a lot of girls, a lot of guys, and a lot in between. We've always been a magnet for people who are unhappy with their gender or don't feel they belong anywhere: Kids, many outsiders and outcasts in various fragile states.

Jonathan, Tobias' words seem to resonate with you.

Jonathan Hultén: Yes, they do. I don't speak for tribulation as a whole when I say this, but I personally don't feel I belong to either gender. But I've never felt the need to choose either. Androgyny is what I feel most comfortable with. This tendency probably also applies to performance, whether tribulation or solo.

Tobias Forge: The best portrayal of the devil I've ever seen is from the movie 'The Passion of Christ'. Satan is portrayed by a woman, but speaks in a man's voice and thus becomes the epitome of androgyny, completely genderless. For incorporating this aspect into your stage personality, I give credit to you and the band. Especially when you get together with Adam (Zaars, guitarist of Tribulation) on stage, it seems elfish and feminine, but also masculine. This is incredibly interesting and unusual, especially in the rigid heavy metal genre with this "men are men" and "women are women" thing: Doro Pesch, girl, Manowar, guys, great. But when I think of all the metal bands I like, there are also examples of very attractive androgyny, which is not necessarily sexual. Not to mention seventies rock bands.

You have been confronted with different kinds of music and art forms from a very young age. Does that give you an artistic advantage?

Jonathan Hultén: It helps me to keep my relationship to art fresh, to get excited. Whether in childhood or in adulthood: open-mindedness helps the creative process. If you're not afraid of opening up to all kinds of different music styles, you can find inspiration in the most surprising places. No matter where the idea comes from - the important thing is whether it works. Certainly, this is reflected in all areas of creative work. Become the medium through which the flow of inspiration flows - then collect the gold pieces that this flow carries with it and create something beautiful out of them.

Does the metal context limit your expressiveness?

Tobias Forge: I don' t feel restricted with Ghost at all. There are only a few ideas I can' t realize with the band, because Ghost is a combination of all the things I like about music, cinema and theatre. But if there is enough time in the future, I would love to be in a completely different band where I am not the center of attention. I am a guitarist and would like to sing backup. That corresponds to me much more.

Jonathan Hultén: I'm exploring something new, and it's been quite interesting - and different. There are endless possibilities to discover yourself, artistically and as an artist. Only unfortunately there is not enough time.

I'm afraid that we don't have enough time either.

Tobias Forge: Yes, but these things are existential. They are not only about art and being an artist, but also about how both are connected to the human psyche and why people, artist or not, need art to function in modern times. That, by the way, is also one of the things I appreciate about tribulation: You are artists, not just any death metal band. I don’t want to hang anybody on the fence but especially in metal many musicians claim that they make music for themselves first and foremost. That’s not true! As soon as you go on stage you want to get something back. Even GG Allin! And his gigs were really a confrontational and bad experience for every lover of the fine arts. Playing just for yourself? That's not how it works. You either do it to please or to deliver something. People laugh, cry, clap, scream, whatever... And when they leave, they feel a little bit better. That's entertainment!

Anja Delast/ Metal Hammer

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Please do not share without naming the origin. I have taken a lot of effort with it and unfortunately it is distributed without stating the origin. It's somehow sad...

#thebandghost #the band ghost #cardinalcopia #cardinal copia #tobiasforge

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cuntess-carmilla · 4 years

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I'm sorry, but as someone who belongs to and participates in an actual subculture, I can't take (Western?) fandom seriously.

I'm not saying alt subcultures are perfect by any means. I'm a goth and I could write and maybe have written whole essays on the bullshit within it, but even with all the racism, misogyny, performative liberalism and such (which are also present in fandom lol), there's just no comparison.

Alternative subcultures, as Problematic as they can be, are ALL about creating something new. I mean, not NEW new, we all come from somewhere, take inspiration, goth came directly from British punk, and pretty much none of the alt subcultures that were started since the 20th century would exist without Black culture, BUT... Guys, the goth subculture equivalent of fanfiction is a song cover.

Sure, lots of goth bands have released covers in order to get popular. Bauhaus themselves did it and they're one of the OG bands, but unless you're a tribute band (which literally only get as famous as they're able to be exact copies of the band they're imitating), no band considers themselves a real band if they haven't at least written original songs, most don't feel like a real one until they release studio recordings or play some live shows. Even those covers they make to get their names around get the eye roll if they don't add anything new and genuinely theirs to it.

Goths who're not musicians ourselves, first of all, don't think we're on Monica Richards' or Peter Murphy's level just because we sing THEIR songs half decently in the shower, like fanfic freaks (normal people who do fanfic excempt) who think their poorly written multichapter slowburn copycat romance is on the same level as Dante's Inferno or Paradise Lost.

Second, even if we're not musicians, we expect of each other to do something. Something original. I mean, people whose LOOKS are carbon copies of some other goth, famous or not, get eye rolled too, you know? This past decade things were a little different in that regard thanks to posers and Capitalism™, but other than that, we actually take offense when someone else copies the individual elements OF OUR FUCKING LOOKS that we cultivated to differentiate ourselves from other goths.

That's why DIY is so big in our subculture, why most of us practice SOME sort of creative hobby (music, writing, painting, clothes making, DJing, design, sculpting, etc) even if we suck at them. At least we try to do something that is completely ours rather than just redrawing a Victoria Francés illustration, changing the color of a dress, and publishing it as ours.

Shit, even our "elders" have no comparison. Fandom "elders" are rarely older than in their 40s, and most of the time they're fucking creeps who dedicate their lives to fictional characters decades younger than them and interact with younger fans in very inappropriate ways. There's asshole elder goths too, but our subculture generates so much genuine personal passion and sense of community, that we don't even consider it a YOUTH subculture anymore.

Our elders are ACTUALLY old. I'm talking people who were there since it started in the late 70s/early 80s as teens or early 20-somethings and are STILL goths. There's goths in their 60s nearing their 70s. And the reason we look up to them isn't just that they're weirdo predatory adults who intimidate or groom us into worshipping them. We look up to them because they've gathered knowledge through up to 4 decades of experience. They saw Bauhaus live before they broke up, they were in a tiny local band that opened for a bigger iconic one so they met them PERSONALLY, they keep relics from decades past, they witnessed our history.

Most importantly, they fought tooth and nail for our subculture to keep thriving not by being self-entitled weirdos pressuring others into validating their everything online, but by archiving ancient zines, keeping recordings of obscure bands who only played one live show before disbanding, passing on their knowledge to younger goths in person or online. They put their own money not into the pockets of big media corporations that don't need to make more billions than they already make, but into the pockets of struggling artists, bars, nightclubs, independent fashion designers, and their communities as a whole. That's why we respect them.

And ykw? I think that's the reason most fandom weirdos don't stick to fandoms for a long time, except for a few who cling to one or two but keep the rest rotating, and why most fandom "elders" aren't older than 40.

A show or movie series ends at some point and most creatives don't stretch them for decades on. Obviously they try to milk them as much as they can but if a story ended then it's over and there's only so much of the same repetitive fanfiction you can consume before you burn out and have nothing left to get your hands on. There's no community, yet you identify with a piece of media at the same level as you do your idk, college majors, star sign and shit.

You don't see me identifying as a Requiem in White fan on my description, I identify as a goth because I'm identifying with a history, a community I've interacted with in person, an ever growing body of new and old art and music, and wear my personal version of the uniform which I didn't buy ready to wear, but is the result of an effort of slowly building a wardrobe since 2007, that I've had to experiment with, play with, and each have their own personal stories attached to it. I mean, I remember EXACTLY what I was wearing when some Evangelical ladies sprinkled holy water on me in early 2008 and I still own those clothes, jewelry and shoes lol.

Fandom identity is, to me, only based on capitalist consumerism as identity and yeah, capitalism has clawed at my subculture especially during the 2010s, but it exists outside of that and it's so much more than buying shit, over-streaming songs to inflate an artist's performance, or taking something someone else created, slapping one sticker on it and calling it ours. My subculture can ACTUALLY politically organize, as can others (punk most notably), you know? Including organizing in rejection to the capitalist fast fashion that almost wrecked us this past decade.

All subcultures have some level of ideology attached to them (for better or for worse, sadly), and it's ideology most of us are passionate about. Goths have always been notorious for androgyny, and all forms of gender defiance are normalized and encouraged. A lot of us pay our respects to our punk roots of anti-capitalism. We don't believe in forced unhealthy positivity, we're less afraid of taboos, we appreciate eccentricity and oddity many times as an active choice against established norms, we find solace and home in what general society finds creepy or threatening...

What similar thing does fandom have beyond campaigning for Johnlock to hold hands or going to pride with some creepy yaoi sign? You guys aren't even good at fighting real bigotry within your spaces unless you're personally affected by them.

It's laughable tbh. I can't take fandom seriously at all, and I don't get how so many people can treat something so empty as if it was sacred.

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avengerscompound · 5 years

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By Arrangement

By Arrangement: A Loki Fanfic

Buy me a ☕ Character Pairing: F!Loki x F!MoonElf!Reader

Word Count: 2224

Warnings: Smut (F|F, public sex, vaginal fingering)

Square: @ladiesofmarvelbingo E5, Surrender

Synopsis: When the Queen of Alfheim decides she wants to arrange a marriage between either Thor or Loki and one of the Princes or Princesses of Alfheim, they are sent to Asgard to make the arrangement. Loki is disgusted by the idea. Unfortunately, she’s also very attracted to one of the chosen group.

A/N: Moonelf’s are a race of Elf from Alfheim, one of the nine realms. They have bioluminescent skin. So there are references to that. It doesn’t say what color that bioluminescent skin is.

This is one of those fics you start with no idea where it’s going. It kind of feels like there’s more story. I have no idea what that story is. I may come back to it if people are reading it. But I don’t know.

By Arrangement

Loki’s boots clicked on the marble floor as she strode down towards her chambers. To say she was angry was putting it lightly. She was furious. Furious about how she had been pushed aside in favor of her brother, yet again. This time for no good reason whatsoever. They just wanted someone to greet the envoy from Alfheim at the Rainbow Bridge and lead them to the palace.

It made no sense that oaf should go rather than Loki. Loki Silvertongue. Goddess of stories. She would be much better suited for this and instead she had been sent to her room for arguing like some wailing child.

She slammed her door behind her and went to her balcony. She could see the precession coming down the Rainbow Bridge. Thor in the lead on that obnoxious white stallion of his, followed by guards, followed by a carriage containing the royal envoy. Followed by people on foot. Followed by more guards.

They wound into the city below and then up to the palace gates. Loki watched as the guards approached the carriage and helped those that were inside down the steps. The different Elf races had joined together to make their own kingdom. Each tribe had their own royal family and they formed a council that ruled over Alfheim that served under Queen Aelsa Featherwine. First off the carriage was the Prince of the Spice Elves. Short with a warm brown, almost cinnamon complexion and curly red hair. He wore a tunic only a few shades darker than his skin. After him, was the princess of the Ice Elves, with her blue skin and long blue hair. Her clothes were white and blue and despite the heat, she seemed to be wearing several layers. The Air Elf came next, then an Elf of the Vale, a Sea Elf, a Cat Elf, and a triple jointed Pleasure Elf. Each Elf was so different from the next, from the tiny little, rainbow-colored Cat Elf’s that got their name from riding winged-cat, to the tall willowy Elves of the Vale, it was hard to see how they could even be categorized under the one heading.

Finally, you stepped off the carriage. Loki wasn’t sure how she could still be surprised when he saw a Moon Elf. She’d seen many through her life, but there was something about the way your skin glowed that always made her breath catch. It was such an unusual phenomenon. The bioluminescence of your skin had an iridescent quality. It shimmered like an oil slick, but it burned from within.

You wore a dress that shimmered with an iridescent quite like your skin. Green at the neckline, then gold, then red, blue and finally a deep purple in the fabric that pooled around your feet. On your head, you wore a tiara adorned with opals that shimmered from the glow that emanated from you.

Loki was so intoxicated by you that she failed to notice Queen Aelsa stepping out of the carriage behind you. Nor his parents hurrying up to meet her.

When the group moved inside, Loki huffed and returned to her bedroom. She didn’t quite know why she was taking it so personally. She was used to being overlooked in favor of Thor and quite honestly if they’d asked her to be the one greeting she would have tried to get out of it. She hated doing things like that. She hated playing nice.

She should have been asked though.

She pushed it aside and summoned some attendants to assist her in the bath. There would be a feast tonight, she should look like the queen she was destined to be. Plus it might help her relax.

After soaking in the tub a little too long, she allowed her attendants to dress her. Normally she did that herself. Perhaps with a little help with her armor. Tonight there would be no armor though. Just gowns and she wasn’t used to wearing them. Her tastes tended to fall along the lines of androgyny, leaning toward slightly more masculine. In her fluidness, she tended to lean into male more regularly. But she was she now, and that meant a gown if she was to attend a feast.

She made her way to the great hall and then had to loiter waiting for all the ceremonial garbage to happen before she could be seated. Each member of royalty had to be announced properly, including her.

She had been relegated to a lesser table due to the number of visitors. Normally that alone would have been enough to have her leave, but when she saw you already seated at her table she decided that it might be worth staying for the aesthetics alone.

“Lady Loki,” the Ice Elf said bowing her head a little. “I am Princess Siora. It is good to meet you.”

Loki nodded her head and the other Elves at the table made their introductions too. She noticed as she reached you, you had that same bored look in your eye as she often wore at such events.

“So why is it we’re at the children’s table?” Loki asked, sweeping her skirts under her and taking a seat.

“The Queen is hoping to match one of us to one of you.” You said looking up at the elevated table with Odin, Frigga, and Thor sat with Queen Aelsa and her daughter. “Thor and Amaranthae is the hope.”

“So we’re being kept away from the desired couple in case one of you catches his eye or she catches mine?” Loki asked. “Ridiculous. Thor is no closer to marrying than a Bilgesnipe is of growing wings and flying.”

“Yes, and thus part two of the plan.” You explained. “You, my lady get the choice of the whole table.”

Loki snorted. Actually snorted with laughter It was embarrassing really, but thankfully no one acknowledged it. “Charming.” She said.

“Yes, well,” Dinamh the spice elf said. “None of us are too fond of the plan either.”

“Nothing against you, my lady,” Siora said. “It is just insulting to all of us, you included.”

“To say the least.” You said. “Alfheim has had a violent history considering we pride ourselves on our peaceful ways. It is not enough that we have been conquered twice now, we now have to hope that Asgard is willing to make a marriage alliance to ensure our protection.”

“The queen doesn’t trust the alliance after how long it took for Asgard to respond when Malekeith showed his true nature,” Siora said.

Loki waved her hand dismissively. “You are one of the nine realms. My father would not give up control of that.”

You shrugged. “I don’t care. I have no plans to marry anyone, let alone for political reasons. Anything else that occurs is white noise to me.”

Loki chuckled. “That is a good way to look at it.” She said. She was pleased that your wit matched your beauty. Maybe that was part of what had attracted her in the first place.

As the dinner progressed Loki found herself relaxing more and actually enjoying the company of these elves. While most were still a little on the cheery side for her taste, she had never met people in the same position of being called royalty but being treated as lesser as she had before. She was quite taken with you particularly. She didn’t have many friends that weren’t just Thor’s friends who barely tolerated her before. She could see being your friend.

The following day Loki avoided the whole spectacle of the royal visit. She assumed that Thor was being forced into spending time with Amaranthae, or else Odin was against the whole idea. Certainly, Loki assumed if they were against just the Thor factor, she’d have been visited by her mother right now talking her into at least being open to marrying one of the elves.

That hadn’t happened so Loki had gone to the library. It was her safe place more than anywhere else in the palace. She could disappear into the works for hours upon hours. It was just over two hours that she had been in there when you came in.

She was aware of another person there right away, but it wasn’t until you came around the corner that the faint light you emitted caught her attention.

“Why, hello,” she said, looking up at you over her book.

“Loki,” you replied, nodding your head. “I had wondered where you disappeared to today.”

“You missed me?” Loki teased, getting up and approaching you.

You chuckled. “Hardly. But it is noticeable when you aren’t around.”

“Were you looking for me?” She asked.

You shook your head and gestured around you. “I have heard stories for years about the great library of Asgard. I had to see it.”

“It is quite a sight.” Loki agreed and offered you her elbow. “Shall I show you around?”

You nodded and linked your elbow with hers. “This is the fictional section,” Loki said. “They are organized by where in the realms they are from and then by author.”

You looked up at the books as they seemed to just disappear up over your head as you walked down the aisles arm-in-arm.”

“This is the instructional manuals. Everything from how to cook, to spell use, to the how to of sexual acts.” Loki explained.

You looked at her and smirked. “Spend a lot of time reading those, my lady?”

Loki chuckled. “I like to take a more practical approach.”

“Mmm… I’m sure you do.” You said and ran your fingertips up her forearm.

Loki looked at you out of the side of her eye. The signal had been clear and she planned to respond to it. She led you deeper into the library, away from the doors and windows.

“Here are the historical works. The complete history of the nine realms.” Loki said.

“Ahh yes,” you said, turning to face her. “No surprise that Odin keeps records of those that surrender to him.”

Loki moved close to you, looming over you. “And your people know all about surrender.”

“I surrender to no man.” You growled.

“Then it’s good that I am not a man.” She purred and brought her lips to yours. The kiss was searing. Possessive and hungry. She pushed you up against the shelves and ran her hands down your neck to your chest. Massaging your tits.

You groaned and pushed against her, slamming her up against the opposite shelves. You pushed your thigh between her legs and pulled her hair, sending a wave of pleasure that bordered on pain right through her and down to her cunt as she ground it against your thigh.

She let you lead, submitting to you as you claimed her. A moan escaped from her as her cunt began to drip for you.

She grabbed your hair suddenly and spun you and pulled you flush against her. “You know what they will do if they discover us?” She growled against your ear.

You took a shark, ragged breath in, and began to hitch up your skirt. “Oh yes, we would be destined to marry immediately.”

“So you best be quiet,” Loki growled and slipped her hand into your panties.

She started to circle your clit with her fingertips and you grabbed your hand, lining your fingers up with hers and guiding them to touch you. You pushed her fingertips so they pushed hard against your clit as you drew figures of eight over it.

“You like to be in control, darling?” Loki crooned.

You moaned and moved her finger a little harder. “I know what I like.”

“Then by all means.”

You kept guiding her to rub your clit, as she kissed your neck. As the soft moans you made got louder, you curled your fingers, pushing all but one of her long spider digits back. Her index finger you left straight and you guided it inside of you, so both of your penetrated you. Her finger pressed against yours in the warmth of your cunt. You guided her to the soft, sensitive spot of you g-spot and you pushed Loki’s finger hard on it. You cried out and Loki curled her finger and dragged it over your sweet spot again and again.

Your moans got louder and louder and your fluids ran down Loki’s wrists. You took your hand away and braced yourself on the shelves in front of you as you finally surrendered to her. Letting her be in control of your pleasure. She added a second finger to your cunt and used her thumb on your clit. Your legs began to tremble and with a sudden cry, you came hard, shuddering around her fingers.

Loki stroked you through it and as your breathing returned to normal.

“Well, that was fun.” You said straightening yourself out.

“Mm, it was. Perhaps you’d like to return the favor sometime.” Loki said.

“Perhaps,” you said. “Be at dinner and we’ll see.”

Loki watched as you swept back out of the room, licking her fingers clean as you disappeared around a corner. It was annoying really. If the situation was any different she would pursue you. That couldn’t happen now, not when two kingdoms would push towards it. Loki could never allow herself to surrender to that level of interference.

#ladiesofmarvelbingo19 #loki #loki laufeysdottir #loki odinsdottir #loki x reader #f!loki x reader #loki fanfic #fanfic #fanfiction #reader insert #smut #femslash #femslash saturday #by arrangement

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moccahobi · 5 years

Note

Hey can I request a soulmate au with Hoseok??? I think you'd do a great job, I love your writing! 😊

The Bond [Hoseok x reader]

Summery: You were finally starting to get what you wanted: A

professoriate

in soulmate studies and a stable life. What could make it better? Finally meeting your soulmate for one. Getting a larger friend group for another! What if she got both at once?

“Greek legend has it that mankind was originally made from the sun, the moon, and the earth. From the sun was the man, from the earth was the woman, and from the moon was the androgyny. Mankind had four legs, four arms, two heads, and two genitalia. They were twice as strong as they are now, and when Zeus saw this as a threat, he took action.

“The gods split the man-man, woman-woman, and man-woman in half, leaving gaping bare spots where the two halves were once connected. Of course, the now-split creatures ran to their other halves and cried in despair, abandoning their worshiping. Wanting his worshipers, Zeus made it so that the two halves could temporarily join together once again. This created a new form of procreation.

“This is just one of many myths around how soulmates were created, but one question was never answered. How would the two halves come together if they have never met before? This issue came into fruition after the first generation of split mankind. According to Greek legend, it is said that Zeus created the solution in the form of the soul bond, but still so much is still not known about this bond. That is why I applied to research the creation, sustainability, and degradation of soul bonds for my professoriate degree.” You finished with a smile while looking at the rest of your classmates.

End of semester classwork was always hard but for a class that simulates professoriate work, it was even harder. On top of that, you were the only one going into the profession of soulmate studies in the entire program which made the whole process twenty times more stressful. Everyone else was going into a field that was more conventional and thus had more sources for any projects.

Everyone except for Kim Minsoo, one of your friends, who was going into the field of the psychology of food. The research he applied to do was about how unconventionally made cheese actually turns people away from it unless the way it was made somehow still was a norm. It was interesting to say the least.

The two of you spent weeks in the library just researching and writing a proposal for your college’s grants as well as some other college’s grants. Your professor said that everyone could start their research here, but you two knew just how strange your research was and had low hopes.

Not that soulmates were strange, it was just that people often looked more at the biological side of it (how the brains changed once meeting them, if there was some chemical change in a human) and you didn’t want to go to that field of research.

“And why is this research important to society?” Minsoo asked. Sure you had paid him to ask, but it still counts as a question.

“Well, soul bonds are the missing links to why some people have soulmates and why some don’t as well as why some people have multiple or why some lose their bond. If we can identify the link, then we can learn how they form and what not.” The rehearsed question rolled off your tongue with ease and soon you were sitting back down as everyone clapped for you. You were so close to graduating with a bachelor’s and getting to work towards your professoriate you could taste it.

Even with all that in mind, it wasn’t until you and Minsoo were going out to dinner to celebrate passing the class that it sunk it. You were about to be working towards a professoriate in soulmate studies.

You stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, your eyes wide and heart beating fast. It was tugging you towards the restaurant to celebrate, and all you could think about is your dream coming true.

You were going to start working towards a professoriate.

“Minsoo-ah, promise me that when we get our professoriates, we will still be friends.” You said quietly as you reached out for Minsoo. Really you just needed something to ground you.

This was your dream finally coming true.

“Of course, Noona, now let’s go to the grill. The ajumma who owns it said that we were the only people who were allowed in because… I don’t know why but she wants us to celebrate this as well.” He said, grabbing your hand and walking to the grill with you in tow.

By the time you two were seated in your usual booth and cooking the pork belly, you and Minsoo were laughing and playing around like you two were first years once again. As a twenty six year old woman, it was nice to feel young and refreshed once again. Especially with school and your day job… your day job!

“Omo! Minsoo-ah! I just realized that if I get this grant I can finally quit SBS studios! That means no more Eunah!” You squealed, taking a piece of barely cooked pork belly and dipping it into sesame oil happily.

He laughed lightly, pouring you a bit more water, “I thought you liked Eunah, noona. Why is that a good thing? Wasn’t she the one person you talked to most there?” He asked while not looking at you, too focused on not burning the pork.

“Well… I do love Eunah, but she’s… she’s…” The doors opened and some people entered while there was a large amount of screaming from outside, “She’s just such a gossip, Minsoo-ah. I can’t handle hearing office gossip and idol gossip all the time. Like, who in their right mind thinks they need to know that Park Jinsung from floor two’s advertisement department asked out Lee Wheenin from the tenth floor managerial department and was rejected because he never actually talked to Wheenin?” You threw your hands up dramatically, remembering when Eunah walked into your office with coffee in hand ready to tell you everything.

Minsoo snorted, “That actually happened?”

“I feel like it happened twenty times.” You laughed with him before the two of you fell into a comfortable silence (well it wasn’t much of a silence due to the other group in the grill laughing and yelling loudly). The pork belly was so much fun just to watch be cooked.

You took a small sip of your water, listening to the other people in the grill celebrate some award they got. Not that you knew anything about anything at this point, you had used your last four working brain cells to make it through finals, essays, and grant applications. You didn’t have much of a life outside of that. Plus the only thing work required you to do was pay attention to how they get engagement and work to improve that.

Your heart tugged you towards that group though, like the award was something more than just a celebration and like you knew them.

“Are you ok, noona?” Minsoo asked, looking at you worriedly, “You don’t normally look this pale.”

“I- Am I having heart palpitations?” You asked quietly, putting your glass down and touching your heart, “This isn’t normal…”

“What do you mean, Noona?” Minsoo stood up worriedly and grabbed your arm, “Do I need to call an ambulance? Do we need to go to the emergency room?”

“Uhhh… no? It doesn’t hurt… it’s just a… tug? I don’t know, it’s hard to describe.” You were whispering, your hand rubbing your chest incessantly.

“A tug? How so? When did it start?” Minsoo seemed less worried now but he didn’t move.

“Uhhh… when we left Jikwon sunbae’s class… I think. It was like… tugging me here? I… This isn’t normal.” You said, jerking up to a standing position only to be pushed back down.

“Y/n noona, that’s your soulmate bond.” Minsoo was laughing at this point, “Your time to meet them is coming up. If you felt it pulling you here then they could be here. Just follow it.” Minsoo slid back into his seat happily, “Remember when I met Haruto at the airport? We had to use google translate to communicate at first, but I was lead there by our bond. Trust it.”

You snorted, feeling relaxed, “Thank you, Minsoo-ah. As my dongsaeng, I think it is illegal to give me advice though.”

“Yeah!” He shouted, trying to kick your shins under the booth as you jumped on your seat to try and save yourself.

“You just got your citizenship last year, noona! Don’t lecture me on the laws!” He whined, trying to lunge over the grill to grab you… what was that burning smell?

“The pork belly!” You shouted jumping back into your seat and furiously taking the pork off the grill, hoping at least some of it will be salvageable, “Minsoo-ah! You were supposed to be cooking them!” You whined, stealing a decent piece.

“I’m sorry, Noona!” He shouted while laughing, helping you take the pork off the grill, “I got carried away!”

“We both were!” You shouted back while laughing as you two had stopped putting the over cooked pork belly on a plate and started eating it.

“Ajuma, could we have one serving the curry pork belly?” Minsoo shouted to the owner once you two had finished eating what was salvageable.

Once everything calmed down again, you got up slowly, “I’m going to go to the bathroom, Minsoo-ah. Enjoy drinking alone until I get back.”

He snickered, “Are you sure you’re going to the bathroom and not to follow the tug on your heart?”

“Aish. Shut up.” You whined before walking off… it just wasn’t to the bathroom. Sure your mind was telling you to, but your feet seemed to be moving you closer to whoever else was in the grill. Distantly, you heard Minsoo laugh out “The bathroom is in the other direction” but you didn’t care the tug in your heart was directing you.

Two steps.

Three steps.

Five steps.

Soon you were standing in front of the large group of people also in the grill and the man farthest from you was looking at you with wide eyes.

What were you supposed to say to him?

Did he know that you were his soulmate?

Is he even your soulmate?

“I…” Your voice died, “Is my soulmate in this group?” You dumbly asked and you thought you could hear Minsoo cackle loudly in the background, not that you cared because the man with wide eyes was starting to smile and it was the most amazing smile you had seen and all too quickly he was running around the table and scooping you up into a large hug. Once you two separated, you simply looked at him.

He was absolutely gorgeous, so gorgeous that you felt ugly next to him. His hair was this silky, dark brown that matched his eyes and you knew that you could easily get lost in them for hours. His smile blew you away has it radiated happiness and you just…

“My name’s Hoseok, Jung Hoseok. And you are?” He asked, his quiet voice breaking you from your spell. He was loosely hugging you.

“OK! Not to interrupt your’s and Y/f/n noona’s moment but our curry pork belly is just came so either we ALL move to a table that can suit everyone or she leaves you all to eat and then you two can have your fun!” Minsoo shouted from across the grill as the owner laughed happily.

You simply sighed, hot blush rising up your body as you leaned further into your soulmate.

“Also, Y/n noona, be fucking happy that I am not freaking out at the fact that your soulmate is an idol.”

At that you jumped, wide eyed, “You’re an idol?” You asked dumbly, not knowing why that was so… shocking? He was really good looking and so were the rest of his friends.

“Noona, you of all people should know them. Seeing as you still work at SBS, they are big stars, and Eunah probably talks about them a lot.” Minsoo was howling now, pulling up two chairs to Hoseok’s table and adding your curry pork belly to the pot as the other people looked at him dumbfounded.

“Wait- you don��t know who we are? You work at SBS? I-”

“God! As Y/n noona’s best gay friend, I must say sit down and lets eat! It’s a celebration for both parties here, right? You all won some sort of award and noona and I are celebrating our finals in our pre-professoriate class finally being done!”

“Wah! Hyung’s soulmate must be so smart!” Someone in Hoseok’s group shouted as Hoseok and you awkwardly sat down and kept talking.

That night was truly a celebration for the books.

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blackkewpie · 7 years

Text

ok but trans Connor Murphy

CW for transphobia & emotions I promise I’ll make a happier trans Connor post I Swear we just need this in the world ⁃ He was one of those kids who came out in like kindergarten because right away he felt being Lil’ Ms.Zelda Murphy didn’t feel as great as being Connor  ⁃ Parents were Supportive but Really Uncomfortable  ⁃ His mom wanted to go in and change his name legally but his dad was like “it’s a Phase don’t” and it started a kinda big fight yikes  ⁃ The summer between sixth and seventh grade he got really into being masc presenting instead of the gender bending androgyny his parents were pushing him more towards and Chopped Off All His Hair (all by himself which way very Yikes)  - In second grade, Mrs. G actually was going to let Connor be like leader but revoked the privilege because he wasn't responding to his deadname. He threw the printer because he was so angry that she'd been doing that to him the whole year, then he couldn't get the words out, and to top it all off he'd been a genuinely good student all year and thought he deserved to be line leader for once. He finished his elementary schooling in a different district so they could get away from the stigma of being the family who assaults teachers.  ⁃ Connor the Freak rumors started spreading in middle school because some asshole who knew him by his deadname transferred to his district and decided Connor Murphy was Not Allowed to Be a Happy Boy then they spiraled when Connor started reacting to them  ⁃ It just made him so angry and sad and he lost so many friends in really short amount of time and in some cases he lost the respect of his teachers and he was just so embarrassed and upset all the time and No One Understood and the only ideas his parents had involved shoving him in the closet and he started resenting Zoe so much because she was so Normal and was never called by the wrong name on the Holiday cards or in phone calls to relatives and she just had it so easy and it just made him so !!!!!!! j eez I can't even TL;DR: Connor Murphy is Trans and He Deserves Better.

#Connor Murphy #deh #dear evan hansen #long post for ts

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spidergwenistrans · 5 years

Text

This is gonna be a little ramble-y and disjointed, it’s just a bunch of things that have happened over the last week or so.

I matched with my first girlfriend’s ex on Tinder

some backstory: we both thought we were straight, plot twist one: she’s gay, plot twist two: so am I, but not the way everyone in highschool thought I was.

also, idk why I still use Tinder, at this point I’m not sure what I’m looking for there, I don’t think it’s a relationship, maybe just more queer girl friends? I should probably put that in my bio...

I’ve been mostly identifying as lesbian in conversations with friends, but I think I might not exactly be? I’ve never looked at a (real) cishet guy and felt any sort of attraction, but like, I think it might just be cishet guys? Like, I’ve seen a lot of nonbinary folks on Tinder who are REALLY attractive to me, and like, I’ve always felt some attraction to androgyny, I might just be specifically turned off by cishet guys, because they’re Like That so much. Idk though, everything is weird right now because I don’t really have any sexual attraction at all right now? I just want cuddles and romance??? but like, I want them so much MORE than I ever wanted them or sex before?? And it’s not like I don’t still kinda want sex, just like, it’s WAY lower priority now.

I can’t remember exactly how we got onto the topic, but I was talking with my best friend about stuff, and at one point she said something about how dumb it is the way we socialise boys to only ever be emotionally vulnerable or intimate with their girlfriends, and that those are not sharing feelings in any other case (especially straight boys, I have yet to get any opinions on this from my gay guy friends, because they’re all shit at texting back, so please, if you have thoughts, weigh in). Anyways, so she said that, and it was like early in the day on a Friday, so I wasn’t ready to get Into All That right there, but I said I have some Very Specific and Heavy Emotions about that.

So fast forward to that night, and I’m explaining how it’s kinda dawned on me that I’ve never had an emotionally vulnerable or intimate relationship and not pretty much immediately started to have a huge crush on the person. My best friend in highschool (god bless my better judgement to squash those feelings, I’m so glad I still have her as a friend and that’s all I ever really wanted), one of the girls who was in Venturers with me (that’s scouts but older kids, for those who don’t know), she had a way of always turning the conversation to deep shit, and like gotdam if my brain didn’t immediately decide to fall in love, then there’s my last girlfriend, we were just friends as far as I knew (though it turned out she was very much trying to gt us to be more for a While) and like, she was the only person I talked to about anything even remotely deep, or emotional, or vulnerable for the whole almost 4 years.

Last spring, I went camping with another friend, and since we’re both disasters, we managed to forget most of the sleeping stuff you’d want to have at camp (sleeping bags, therma-rests, blankets....) so the first night, we suffered, the second night, while still sober, we decided, “fuck that, we’re gonna at least share body heat,” then we finished all the beer we’d brought with us.

It’s worth noting here, that this was barely even a week after I realised I wasn’t a cis dude, I’m in a super weird place, and desperately trying to figure out how to say what I’m thinking to one of my longest and closest friends, so I am goddam STRESSED. My heart rate was probably triple its normal the whole weekend.

So now, all you fanfic readers and writers out there, have some vindication, bed sharing does appear to inevitably lead to that...at least for me.

Now we skip ahead a little to later int he summer after my friend who went camping with me and I have decided, “you know what, no actually, let’s stay friends huh?”

And we’re hanging out at her house doing facemasks and watching Hasan Minhaj on Netflix, and I’m texting my best friend about something, and friend I’m with is like, “oooh do you have a crush on ____?” Now, to be clear, this was probably mostly shit-disturbing, because that’s who this friend is, she likes to tease me about this stuff, especially since she had to/got to hear all about my utter confusion leading up to dating my last girlfriend.

As it turns out (I’m not at all surprised), I’m incredibly suggestible, so now that thought is planted.

My best friend lives in Toronto, so like, there’s only a few times a year we get to see each other. Before this we’d hung out for a couple days between my being in BC and coming back to Ottawa. Next time we hang out is like June or July, we only had time to go for drinks, but as usual, we talked for literally hours. Then we don’t see each other again until new year’s. She came over and we watched Rogue One, asked me questions about the backstory (she hasn’t seen all of the star wars movies yet), and then we ended up talking until 8am the next day. Because that’s a long freaking night, she ended up kinda leaning on me/lying across me. Then we went skating later on in the holidays.

At this point my brain isn’t like freaking out or anything though.

Then she’s back in Ottawa over easter. We hung out one of the days, and watched Empire strikes back and talked a lot again, and kinda ended up cuddling on the couch, but not like all wrapped around each other, just like, lying next to each other really close, and she occasionally put her head on my shoulder or chest. Somewhere in this multi-hour quasi-snuggle something in my brain was like, “yes? YES” but not super loud yet.

Now we get into exams, we ended up talking on the phone for several hours one day after something happened at her work, and I’m starting to get more comfortable with the whole emotional vulnerability more regularly thing. So we’re talking more about the shit we’re going through when it’s rough, and also about being kinda touch starved in general.

sidenote: I didn’t really understand what it felt like to be touch starved until like the start of this month, idk if it was because I was kinda numbing myself to everything, or because hormones have changed the way I feel/experience the same emotions. Point being, I’ve never felt this upset about being touch-starved before in my life.

At this point my brain is starting to scream at full volume at me, “WE LOVE HER SOOO MUCH” which like I do? and always have? just like, I thought it was all platonic? Also like, the brain yelling gets worse whenever we talk on the phone, it so desperately wants me to do something, but like, phone is not compatible.

We’ve never had a clear delineation in terms of platonic/romatic though. Back in highschool, when we met, she and my first girlfriend were besties, and we also hung out at bit at school things like concerts (we were all band nerds) and we were accused of flirting?? (that’s a whole other thing though) and like, she’s been informing me a lot on stuff I didn’t get taught about being a girl, like makeup stuff, how to treat your boobs nice, and the art of removing a bra from under a shirt, some of which have included video tutorials?

And like, we’ve joked in the past about how different our lives might be now if we’d dated instead of the way things did go. And like, we’ve always been close, just like, I don’t think I ever thought she might actually want more than just friendship, and I’m not sure she does now?

So I explained all of this to her, except for the parts that she already knew, for that it was just about sharing the feelings I experienced. But like, the reason the comment about the way we socialise boys set me off like this is because I’m so frustrated by the fact that I can’t tell if this is like “genuine” (don’t like that, but it’s the best word I can come up with) or like, just because of being emotionally vulnerable and only knowing how to do that with romantic partners? Then like a day or two later, I had this dream where we were hanging out, and she was telling me about some boy, and how she has feelings for this boy, and holy shit the pang of jealousy I felt (and honestly had no right to feel) was goddam painful.

I also told my friend who went camping about all this, and she told me I was being silly and probably just overthinking it, like I usually do.

Last night, we were gonna talk on the phone again, because some shit happened at her work, but I had forgotten that my sister wanted us to see Detective Pikachu (great movie btw, I laughed so hard, and I probably would have cried a lot if I hadn’t kinda cried myself out a bit already this week), so we didn’t end up talking at all after the movie, which like, I felt/still feel pretty sad about, I was really looking forward to that phone call while I was at work. And like, we probably didn’t talk because she has lots of other friends to talk to too, and was just busy.

So right now I think the place I’m at with this is, like, maybe this is mostly because I still haven’t unlearned all the boy socialisation bullshit, but I don’t think that makes my feelings any less valid does it? But what am I gonna do about it if I accept the feelings? like, she lives in Toronto, I’m stuck in Ottawa for at least another school year, yeah I can go visit, sometimes, but like, would that be good or better for either of us? And all that is assuming she actually returns any of these feelings at all, which I’m really not sure about. And like, will it make it weird? like, I’d rather keep things as they are and have the good times we do when we hang out than throw it all away just because I have a crush.

I don’t want it to be weird for us to be physically close, just because my brain is screaming, because I’m literally just starting to be comfortable being physically close with friends (work through your shit people I have found baggage I didn’t know I had). Like, when she met me at the airport last spring, she started to go for a hug, but apparently I stiffened like I didn’t want it (I did, I still do) which was some kind of holdover from the weird aversion to hugs I developed in high school.

#mine #personal #text #Paislee talks about trans stuff #Paislee talks about relationships and shit #Paislee has Feelings #Paislee has dreams

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