#the i need to pee socks is like this guy on a horse and hes holding a flag that says 'i need to pee.' and at the foot it says 'again' | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

winterromanov · 5 years

Text

we will grow taller together - bucky x reader

PART TWO - NO KID HATES CUPCAKES

parts: zero | one

pairing: bucky barnes x reader

extract: Before you accept his request, you hand him the box of cupcakes. He looks at you with surprise and uncertainty, mouth dropping open a little. You snort a laugh. “They’re cupcakes. Steve told me about Clover and I saw them on the way here. Couldn’t resist.”

genre: nanny x single father!au

taglist:@blindedbyyourgrace17 @verygraphicink @chubby-dumplin @igotkatiepowers @welcome-to-my-studylife (still open, reply/message to be added)

“This is so weird.”

As soon as work had finished a text had appeared in your notifications from Steve, detailing an address of a small apartment block in Brooklyn, and to meet him there. There didn’t seem an option in Steve’s world to decline the invitation. You were going to meet James Barnes and you were going to do it now. Well—within the hour, because despite having lived in New York for the last few years you were still heavily reliant on Google maps and sheer hope that you’d turn a corner and randomly appear at your destination. You’d ended up passing the same indie bakery so many times that it felt rude not to go in and buy some of the cupcakes displayed beautifully in the window. Now, you clutch a white paper box in your hand filled with a strawberry cheesecake, two Oreo and one that is peanut butter and jelly, because even if whatever is about to happen goes horribly, you figure no kid hates cupcakes.

Steve shakes his head, leaning across to press the buzzer. The apartment block is, admittedly, much nicer than your own. There is a lot of exposed brickwork in an edgy, retro way rather than a neglected way, and no drunks loiter in the stairwells. James lives in one of two apartments on the fifth (and top) floor of the complex and when you clambered into the elevator no-one was peeing in it.

It’s practically five-star luxury.

“What did you say to him about why I’m here?” you ask. You fight the urge to slap him when he looks back at you in faux-innocence. “For fuck’s sake, Steve! Have you not even told him—“

Your sentence is cut short when the lock on the door clicks and a man appears in the doorway, rubbing his left eye tiredly like he’s just woken up. His hair is a little too long, dark and dipping into his eye-line, and he’s wearing a scruffy Columbia hoodie and sweats. James Barnes. You do recognise him. Maybe not this exact version of him, but you do recognise him all the same.

“Hey, Buck,” Steve greets, a bit too brightly. James blinks, as if he’s going to reply, but the action causes him to do a double-take when he sees you standing there.

“Hey…” he says, eyebrows knitting together. You offer him an awkward smile. “Sorry—I, uh, I wasn’t expecting visitors. I thought Steve was just dropping by.”

“Yeah,” you reply, glaring pointedly at Steve. “I thought he was going to mention that I’d be tagging along.”

Steve shrugs simply, like this was his plan all along. He claps Bucky on the shoulder, but his eyes remain on you, sussing you out. “Sorry, man, completely slipped my mind. This is (Y/N), by the way.”

You offer a wave which, in hindsight, is super dorky, but Bucky’s look of suspicion softens to elusive recognition. “Yeah, yeah, of course. You knew Natasha from college.”

You’re so surprised he remembers a detail like that at all and it must show on your face, but James doesn’t react either way. “Yeah. We were roommates in freshman year.”

“Right.” Bucky nods once, before ushering off to the side. “Please come in. It’s a bit of a mess, but I didn’t—I’m not sure how long I’ve been asleep for.”

You walk awkwardly into a fairly large living space, the flooring a light wood laminate other than a bright striped rug in the centre. The walls are plain but spotted with photographs and prints, the sofas a dark red fabric and positioned round a glass coffee table. A television is positioned on a cabinet on the central wall and while much bigger than yours, it’s not that catches your eye—there are books everywhere. Books stacked haphazardly on shelves along all the walls; an antique mahogany bookcase full to brimming in an alcove; books spilling off the coffee table and onto the floor. There are standard paperbacks you’d find in every single Barnes and Noble, fat black Penguin classics, leather-bound first editions that may have fallen out of Belle’s library in Beauty and the Beast. You are that blown away by the sheer volume of literature you almost forget why you’re here in the first place.

That’s when you notice a set of illustrated Harry Potter hardbacks on an armchair and tiny mismatched socks drying on a clothes horse, a stuffed Paddington Bear and Peter Rabbit chilling on top of a chest that matches the bookcase. You also notice the absence of a certain child.

“No Clover?” Steve asks, sitting down on the sofa in a naturally comfortable way that suggests he’s a consistent visitor to the Barnes household. He pulls out a cuddly kitten that must have fallen between the sofa cushions and places it gently beside him.

Bucky shakes his head. He rubs his eyes again. “No—Becca takes her on Thursdays. She’ll be back in a couple of hours or so. Gives me the chance to mark papers or, uh. Nap. Apparently.”

A laptop is also open on the coffee table, and a copy of Shakespeare’s Macbeth. “Are you a teacher?”

“No—well, kind of. I lecture in literature at Columbia.” Well, that explains the sweater, then. And the books. He gestures towards the couch. “Please, make yourself at home.”

Before you accept his request, you hand him the box of cupcakes. He looks at you with surprise and uncertainty, mouth dropping open a little. You snort a laugh. “They’re cupcakes. Steve told me about Clover and I saw them on the way here. Couldn’t resist.”

“Oh.” James says simply, looking down at the box. It’s like he doesn’t receive kindnesses from strangers very often and makes you wonder just how much he distrusts the world. You mean—from what you’ve heard, he’s got a right to be unsure. “Thank you. She’ll love these.”

“No problem. The lady in the shop said the peanut butter and jelly ones are unlike anything you’ve ever tasted. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad, but she was wearing a hat shaped like a red velvet cupcake so obviously I trusted her opinion.”

His mouth cracks into a glimmer of a smile. Muted, subtle, almost reluctant. He may be one of the saddest people you’ve ever met. It burns off him like a bonfire. The ashes gather in piles round your feet.

(Gosh, you thought empathy was Steve’s thing.)

Steve suggests making coffee and James doesn’t disagree, considering he’s still got about thirty quizzes to grade by tomorrow. As they both disappear off into the kitchen, Steve gives you a pointed look and closes the door behind him. It feels all kinds of wrong to corner this hurting, confused man into whatever arrangement Steve has in his head; an arrangement you’re not even sure of yourself. But you find yourself wanting to help him anyway. James is sad. But he’s gentle, and clever, and trying to make the best of a situation nobody wishes on anybody.

As you try not to eavesdrop on the muffled voices in the kitchen, you walk the outline of the living room, pausing in front of items that catch your eye. Each of James’ photos sits in beautiful, ornate frames, winding wood engraved with flowers and leaves that you assume must be gifts. You recognise Clover immediately—most of his pictures include a tiny girl with frizzy blonde hair, varying in age from new-born to recent. One sat in front of a grey screen, showing off the gap in her front teeth. One in a swimming pool wearing flashy pink sunglasses. One where James is clutching a small white bundle, his cheeks flushed red, looking down at the baby like she’s the most amazing thing he’s ever seen. There’s a couple with either Steve or Natasha, another with a tall, dark-skinned guy you’ve seen on Steve’s Facebook, a few others with two unnamed brunettes—one, you think, must be his sister or at least a close relative, the same bright blue eyes and dark hair.

The other—well, it must be Connie. Petite and elegant and totally gorgeous, with a small upturned nose and big eyes like an animal in an old Disney cartoon. She grips Clover tightly and the girl is frozen in a giggle, a kiss pressed to her cheek. You can almost see James on the other side of the camera, totally unknowing that it’s one of the last times he’ll see the two of them together in the present.

You deliberately force yourself away before spiralling. Real loss stories. The last thing you need is for your heart to completely spill over. Instead, you drag yourself over to his beautiful bookcase, running your hand over the faultless dark wood. The glass inside is dusty and probably needs a once over with a cloth but you can see inside anyway, eyes skimming over titles. You see some Ford Madox Ford, Woolf, Joyce, Plath, a massive collection of Keats offset by Homer’s Iliad and Odyssey. There’s no consistency to his interests. Instead, there’s a bit of everything (in the English speaking canon at least) and to your delight, even some philosophy.

(Admittedly your philosophy major hasn’t come in that useful, but at least it’s fucking interesting.)

A few minutes pass before the kitchen door opens again. Both men look flustered like they’ve just had a fraught, whispered argument, which doesn’t bode well for you—but instead of addressing it, they sit down on opposite sofas in silence. Steve’s arms are crossed, mug loudly placed on The Chamber of Secrets. James’ eyebrows are arched in a scowl. No-one has made you a drink, clearly forgotten in the process.

Well. This is fucking awkward. You don’t know whether it would more weird to sit down or to just leave. You quietly start to make your way to the couch next to Steve but he abruptly rises, muttering something about going to the bathroom. Suddenly, you’re left alone with James, the tension sitting uncomfortably in the air like storm clouds. You fold your legs over each other, mouth pressed in a thin line.

“I—“ James begins, before locking his jaw closed. He’s pensive. Choosing the right words. “I don’t know what Steve has said to you, exactly, but I’m fine. I don’t need anybody. And it wasn’t his place…”

“Oh my God, I know,” you interrupt hastily, not wanting him to think you’ve forced your way into his home with intent you had no right to have. “Trust me, James, I’m only here as a favour to Steve. He always thinks he knows what’s best and, like, I know his intentions are good but his best isn’t always everyone else’s.”

Not for the first time since you arrived, James looks surprised. The tension seems to dissipate slightly, the atmosphere less fraught. His shoulders relax. “It’s not that you don’t…I’m sure Clover would like you, but I’m still getting used to…”

“You really don’t need to explain. Like you said. It isn’t anyone’s place but yours to decide what you need.”

James’ smile is soft and tired. “Thank you for caring enough to turn up, though. That’s more than I can say for some people I actually know well.”

Ouch. His bitterness singes on his tongue, still raw and swollen. You can allow Steve to be right about one thing—maybe you could be a good friend to him, or at least someone you could get to know better. You have a distinct lack of any real relationships in your life and his ridiculous collection of books is enough to convince you he’s someone worth befriending. You reach out for a wad of neon post-it notes and a biro, scribbling down your phone number, slapping it unceremoniously onto his knee. He rips it off with bemusement, curling it into his palm.

“If you want to complain about students or laundry or how life is sometimes incredibly shitty,” you grin, “Call me. Unless it’s eight-to-six most days, because my boss is a tight-ass and won’t hire anyone else so I can have more than one day off every year. Other than that I’m totally free.”

“Wow. You have even less free time than me. At least Clover wakes up past eight on weekends.” He blinks slowly, clutching your number tightly. “And thank you. I really do appreciate it.”

Steve has been in the bathroom for an awfully long time and you’ve known him long enough to realise he’s doing it on purpose. Instead of hanging about while Steve and James chat uneasily in your presence, you take it as your cue to leave. Bucky tries to explain that you don’t need to leave so soon, but you’re genuinely worried Steve will sit on the toilet playing iPhone games for literal hours in order to leave you two to ‘talk’ if you don’t walk out the door.

“I hope Clover enjoys the cupcakes,” you say, once you’re stood back in the hall. “You should have one too. The endorphin rush you get while eating cake is unparalleled.”

James laughs, like actually laughs, his hand curled round the doorframe. “Maybe I will. See you around.”

“Yeah. See you.”

The door eases shut and you shiver now you’re out of the warmth of James’ apartment, but you can’t help but think this whole weird thing didn’t go as badly as you thought it would.

#mcu #marvel cinematic universe #marvel #bucky barnes #james buchanan barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky barnes imagine #bucky fic #bucky barnes fic #bucky x you #bucky x reader #bucky x y/n #bucky barnes au #we will grow taller together

173 notes · View notes

szopenhauer · 4 years

Text

Do you like Chanel purses? no

When was the last time you had Pepsi? ages ago

Do you know anyone with exaggeratedly big muscles? not personally

What is your favorite endangered animall? elephant

Can you name someone with the same last name as you? my parents

Who was the last person to scream your name? ...

By the way, that wasnt meant to be perverted. too late I have no idea why I thought about that - no one ever screamed my name this way and nobody ever will :x

Do you struggle to articulate your thoughts and feelings? it seems Name something that you are doing tonight. nothing and I realized that I don’t want to go to sleep more than ever before, I just don’t want to wake up tomorrow and yet I’m scared of dying (suffering)

Do you like the smell of a barbecue? nah

Would you date an 18 year old at the age you are now? too young for me Are you more likely to show affection through your words or your actions? words I guess Do you have an easy time falling asleep? I wish Are you a crier? crybaby Do you like to wear makeup? no Do you have a high tolerance for people? pfft Do you like your bed? why not How many times have you been to the ER? few

Are you wearing shorts? basically never

Do you eat randomly, just whenever the hell you want? ...

Did you have trouble getting up this morning? yeah What’s a few things that automatically make you go, “Awww��? cute little dogs Do you have soft hands? Do you like holding hands? do I? I like to hold hands tho What’s your opinion on perfumes that are REALLY expensive? dumb, I hate perfume but expensive - that is ridiculous! Have you ever really hated a teacher and practically made it clear you did? Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know. Are you a little bit cautious around horses? Do they scare you a bit? I’m just a cautious person in general If you could live next door to ANYONE, who would you want to live beside? love of my life, I mean - we can live together but for now it would be cool if we were neighbors at least, you know what I mean? Do you think your friends are pretty? Do your friends think your pretty? what friends... Are you currently worried about your parents finding out about something? maybe mom about that one particular thing that starts on S and ends with X

What is your opinion on air pollution? less cars!

Were you forced to read ‘The Odyssey’ in high school? from what I remember

Who was the last person to come visit you? M.

When was the last time you shaved your legs? recently

Do you own any superhero shirts? nope

What is your opinion on the “Team Edward/Team Jacob” shirts? I dislike Twilight

If you had to teach a class, what would you teach? if I really had to then art

How did your parents meet each other? personal

What profession do you think is the most under-appreciated? garbage collectors, those who clean the streets or hospitals, postmen etc.

Have you ever drawn on someone while they were sleeping? don’t do that

Does time really heal all wounds? Or is that just a trivial saying? trivial saying

Where is your favorite place to take a nap? I don’t do naps but my bed

Would you rather lose all your old memories, or never be able to make new ones? not be able to make new

Have you ever swerved off the road to avoid hitting an animal? I don’t drive

What’s a tradition you hope never dies out? it’s a secret

Do you have any exes you’d consider dating again? I’m dating my ex

Have you ever went a year without getting your hair cut? yes Do you think you could go a week without sugar? without sweets? I already do, I don’t even drink tea with sugar Would you be willing to go one day each week without meat? absolutely Do you feel comfortable telling people how much you weigh? whatever Are you any good at sewing? I know basics Have you looked at any old photos of yourself lately? this year Do you carry a calculator around with you everywhere? I don’t need it that often Do you like to plan things out or just go with the flow? plan but not strictly

Do you garden at all? If so, what types of things do you grow? I help my parents which I find pointless because there is always much more work than results Do you consider cooking to be an art? when done right How many pairs of sunglasses do you own? too many considering that I barely wear ‘em ^^” Are you a fast or slow reader? fast Would you ever spend $500 on concert tickets? hell no Do you know anyone who looks like you? there was a gal who was similar to me on tumblr but younger than me, I lost contact with her Do you get nervous when you go to the doctor? yeah :( Are you a short tempered person? oh well...

Does it take a lot to gross you out? I’m easily grossed out Last time you seen an ocean: never saw ocean in person Do you collect sea shells? not as much as I used to

What is one change you need to make in your life this month? lets not talk about it, ok?

Would you have sex with the last person you texted? done Are you planning on kissing anyone tomorrow evening? she’s gonna be busy working Do you require a lot of private time? yasss Have you ever told a guy you were a lesbian to get him to leave you alone? it’s because I’m a lesbian lmfao If you have a favorite television show, who’s your favorite character? in my most fav shows plot was more important to me than characters tbh, it’s hard to explain, I hope I’m not the only one who thinks this way haha but in Buffy I didn’t like Xander and Angel was annoying even though he was necessary, I wasn’t a fan of Faith and didn’t understand Riley existence in the universe, also Dawn changed a lot for worse but I swallowed it with patience, in Call the midwife I felt crappy when they took Chummy and Jenny away, I didn’t watch newest episodes so I have no idea who Lucille and Valerie are, I horribly miss sister Evangelina :(

What’s the best part about flying? don’t ask me, I’ve never been on a plane

Did you ever watch Sailor Moon? fragments

Chocolate or Vanilla ice cream? vanilla

If you had to get glasses would you wear contacts? I’d prefer glasses

Are mac’s really better than PC’s? I’m a PC gal

D0 y0u l1k3 t0 t@lk l1k3 a 5c3n3 k1d? *cringe*

When you were red and green clothes do you feel like a Christmas Tree? lol

What TV show has the best theme song? hard choice

New Year’s Plans? I don’t plan to live that long

Would you agree that Sex and The City is the best show ever? no way, I didn’t even care enough to watch one episode of it

Do you call your friends with red hair “ranga’s”? wtf

Have you ever been surfing? me? surfing? r u kidding?

Would you feel funny if you kissed somebody of the same sex? excuse me, I’m into women exclusively

Name a thing in your room that other probably don’t have in theirs: me ha!

What’s your best jacket like? comfy :3

What’s something you can cook or bake like a pro? nothing

If you could pull off any hairstyle, what would it look like? I have couple of ideas ;)

What is the worst thing that happened so far today? my failed appointment as I didn’t get any answers nor help for my heart condition and allergies and that was the last attempt, I have no other ways of fixing things to survive next months, my life;s officially over, I only have suffering and fear left, I’m a burden and I want to kill myself sooner than food or cardiac arrest

Did that ruin your day? it ruined my LIFE

What’s something good you’re looking forward to? sweet relieve of death?...

What’s something that you think is really cute?

*wish it was mine

Describe your feet: eww, why, better not

If you see somebody crying, do you start crying too? depends

How do you like your hoodies? oversized, without kangaroo pocket in front and/or a zipper, yuk

Is having to pee really badly worse than being really thirsty? it is to me at least

Were you a cute baby? I was a red haired potato

Are you talking to anybody right now? online

How tall are your tallest socks? I kept my rainbow knee high socks but I don’t use them anymore

Are you waiting for a phone call? at night?...

Do you look forward to swimsuit season, or get really nervous? I was skipping swimsuit seasons for over 10 years until this summer - I bought the cheapest and went to stand/walk in the water and sit on a beach despite my insecurities

If you could live for a year with any foreign family, where would you go? don’t wanna, scary

What do you wish people would pay you to do? browse the internet XD

Do you take good pictures? I try

Should you be doing something else right now? wash my hair, drink water, commit suicide - who knows

Did that question make you nervous? that question made me sad

Why don’t girls like porn? some enjoy it

Tell me a memory of this summer: this summer is all about romantic love, illnesses and nostalgy

Do you think it’s pretty when 100s of balloons are let loose into the sky? a waste but still pretty, sorry love, I know you’d be irritated so don’t worry - I will never do smth like that to ya

1 note · View note

lucyemers · 5 years

Text

It's Not About the Mystery Plots

I realized recently...I remember very little about the mystery in each episode of Lewis. Here's what I do remember.

Reputation: Why does James carry smelling salts on his person or “Are you for me?”

Whom the Gods Would Destroy: Attack dogs and phone sex or “Tina I have to go, my mum is coming.”

Old School Ties: Robbie's old girlfriend and Hathaway's band practice or “Wolfgang Christ”

Expiation: A creepy embroidery opening and Robbie blackmails a guy over porn mags for information or “darling I think you'd better tell him.”

And The Moonbeams Kiss the Sea: Laura's party, the Bodleian Library and a Win Thursday cameo or, “You could always bring the dishy Sargent Hathaway.”

Music to Die For: Morse why'd you send that letter?? Or “I like a bit of Wagner.”

Life Born of Fire: Transphobic and WTF with that ending but Rachael Stirling is sexy AF and James wears lavender socks. Or “You saved me.”

The Great and the Good: the boys play racquetball or “I'll have what he's having.”

Allegory of Love: Jean Innocent has a fucked up friend or, “Not more flipping elves.”

The Quality of Mercy: Shakespeare and Simon Monkford or, “Happy birthday, bonny lass.”

The Point of Vanishing: the boys look at paintings together and James does some heroic swimming or, “We were even trying to work out how on earth I was going to break up with you, Sir.”

Counter Culture Blues: Robbie mimes a spider and James does some disgusting swimming. Also Simon Callow. Or, “the cheerful promiscuity of your generation sir, it quite takes one's breath away.”

The Dead of Winter: the ep that launched a thousand fics or, “my awkward sod.”

Dark Matter: Laura wears a beautiful dress and James gets espresso foam on his nose or, “Robbie will sort him out.”

Your Sudden Death Question: James wears jeans and drinks wine sexily or, “What about loneliness? Pass.”

Falling Darkness: Legit the most disturbing mystery plot but absolute favorite ep because Laura. Or, “You're fine, you're fine, it's James. “

Old Unhappy Far Off Things: ageist and sexist ending acted extremely well by Juliet Stevenson or, “you thought something wasn't right.”

Wild Justice: Robbie can't pronounce Italian and James hates misplaced apostrophes or, “if you go I go.”

The Mind Has Mountains: Innocent explains to Robbie why his views on therapy are ass backwards and Laura denies that Hathaway is an old boyfriend or, “two grown up single people who obviously like each other.”

The Gift of Promise: Arsenic and Anna Chancellor or “Can you pee on demand Sargent?”

The Soul of Genius: James bows at a botanist and gets existential flu or, “you need a partner.”

Generation of Vipers: We get to see Laura's bookshelves. Or, “In love with each other for twenty years and never said a word.”

Fearful Symmetry: That creepy guy who works with monkeys and James with rope or, “merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily life is somewhat repetitive.”

The Indelible Stain: Robbie is afraid of dentists and James drinks alone or, “why are you all looking at me like dogs being shown a card trick?”

Down Among the Fearful: James wears a neck brace and Robbie pets a horse. Or, “can we just stay here for a minute?”

Ramblin Boy: That Kiss. And James's Face. Or, “Oh it was there. In the subtext.”

Intelligent Design: James kneels at an altar for the first time in how long we wonder and apparently Robbie snores or, “Thank you, Sir. Thank you Robbie.”

Entry Wounds: A Laura and James kiss, and a Lizzie Maddox debut, or, “your dinner is in the canoe.”

The Lions of Nemea: Astrology and Robbie orders everyone pizza or, “my bad tempered old grouch who smelled of wood glue.”

Beyond Good and Evil: Laura tells Robbie off for implying that James is doing less than stellar work and poor Lizzie gets put in hospital and Robbie brings her kiwi fruit. Weird. Or, “long overdue, canny lad, long overdue.”

One for Sorrow: James and Laura go to a weird art show and James fishes in all black with a popped collar. Or, “the department needs you and your face has never fitted. It's part of your charm.”

Magnum Opus: Lizzie and James go to an S and M club and Honeysuckle Weeks feels very guilty. Or, “you know I'm not actually a regular here.”

What Lies Tangled: James kept that “Lewis” sign for how long? Laura and James hug adorably or, “ people don't know how you feel unless you tell them.”

#Lewis #robbie lewis #laura hobson #james hathaway #Morseverse

163 notes · View notes

foxxygold-blog · 5 years

Text

South Park High School Jokester

Chapter ~ 1

“Butters, there is no way the new kid did that. You probably making shit up,” Stan muttered with a sigh walking with his group of friends towards the new kid’s house. Butters, the young blonde man who had visited your house just the day before was stammering and looking nervous.

“I’m not making it up! I could feel the base in my bones while the music was being blasted, and they had, t-they had these huge bongs while screaming at us!” Butters cried in agony, doing his best to convince his friends what he had seen. All the others just rolled their eyes, there was no way someone like that just moved in. Sure, South Park was known for the unknown showing up but the people were normally, well, normal.

You quietly poked your head out from behind your curtains and could see a bunch of boys making their way down the street. Seeing the young blonde boy from the day prior, you gave a hum of happiness and closed your curtains. This time, you decided, you’d play another joke on all the new guys. This one would be more tame, as to not scare away some of your new probably friends. Your room was still littered with plenty of boxes you needed to unpack, but all you had pulled out was a bunch of your gag gifts you’d gotten from friends. You pulled out the iconic horse's head and starred at its black, dead eyes before slipping on the mask.

Since yesterday, your mother had taken the stereo and moved it downstairs, though it was yours, she liked to use it to play music for the company when they were over. Before the boys could get there, you grabbed your phone and raced downstairs, quickly plugging in your phone and letting it connect before search through your music library and finding the folder that said “Ironic Memes” on it. Scrolling through each song, you finally found “Trapped in the Drive-Thru” by Weird Al Yankovic and fast forwarded it, keeping it paused at just the right timing. You looked at yourself in a nearby mirror and adjusted the horse mask appropriately and stood at the front door. Your mother, coming in from the backyard stared at your back for a while, trying to figure out you were doing before shaking her head and deciding it wasn’t worth the time of her day to figure out what you were doing.

Soon enough the knocking on the door sounded and you couldn’t help but hold back your giggles, taking in a deep breath and holding it to hold back your laughing before answering the door.

Stan looked around at the top of the house with a hum, hearing the door open, he opened his mouth to speak before looking at who answered the door and froze. There you were, standing in some oversized pj’s your favorite band scrawled all across the pants and a boring, plain grey t-shirt with a horse mask on. The silence seemed to go on forever, all of his friends standing quietly behind him, questioning the situation and what was going on. Just as Stan opened his mouth, you hit the play button on a little remote in your hand; the song picking up you had set it on.

“But he looks at me.” You paused it again, watching the boy startled by the sudden music. Watching him move and about to say something again, you started it back up again, inching closer to him.

“And I look at him.” Pause.

Stan took a nervous step back; you could the blonde shaking from where he stood. He truly did not understand what the hell you were doing.

“And he looks at me.” Pause. Another inch closer.

“And I LOOK AT HIM!” The rubber plastic of the horse's open mouth was now kissing Stan’s face as he and all the other boys looked at you like you were crazy. Soon enough your mother came running over and shoved you backward, muttering and begging for apologies as she unplugged the stereo and kept you shoved behind her. You couldn’t help but fall on your butt and laugh, rolling around with the horse mask still on.

“What the absolute fuck,” the green hated one yelled in confusion.

“I’m SO SORRY, about this you see, they… Ugh! Damn it (y/n) introduce yourself normally for once!” Your mother demanded as she turned back to your rolling around figure. You sat up and sighed, blowing a raspberry at your mother before standing up and pulling your mask off and tossing it onto the couch. The guys all seemed to stare at you, no longer in shock but mostly in confusion.

“My name is (y/n) and I live here now. I’m kinda gonna go to your high school unless you guys go to a different one. I like to mess with people if you couldn’t tell,” you smiled.

You could hear one boy in the back losing their shit, and a sudden wave of embarrassment ran over you. Maybe they were laughing at how you looked? Or maybe your joke was really lame? You rubbed your arm nervously, growing embarrassed as the laughing in the back continued.

“S-Sorry if that joke was really lame,” you muttered. God, you hadn’t even been here for a week and these guys probably thought you were really lame now. Your image at school was going down the shitter faster than you thought it would. Though, it wasn’t like you really cared about your image at school. All you cared about, was not being bullied or picked on, and you were chill with that. If word got around your jokes were old, washed out, or even lame? Well, guess it was time to just yeet back home to where dad lived.

“Lame? Are you fucking kidding me? That was hilarious! All of their faces? Like ‘what the fuck is going on?’ and then you kissed----pft HAHAHAHAHAHA.” The largest boy in the group was almost doubled over laughing, stopping his feet and holding his stomach as he laughed his heart out.

“Sorry for our shock we just um.. We didn’t know you would greet us like this, nor did we really know that you were um.. A girl?” Green hat spoke up again, looking around confused.

“You see, our friend Butters here told us about his run-in with you the other day--.”

“You scared the Jesus outta me and my parents! I thought I peed my pants,” the blonde cried.

“You looked like you did when I saw you and your parents run outta here,” you muttered with a small laugh.

You rubbed the back of your head before sighing, your mother grabbing and pinching your ear out of nowhere caused you to cry and whine, grabbing her wrist and begging her to let you go.

“Apologize,” she demanded.

“Ow, FUCK! Okay, I’m sorry!”

“For what?”

“For making you make out with the horse mask!” The pudgy one began laughing harder.

“AND?!”

“Gah, fuck this hurts! And for scaring you and your parent's blondie, those were fake bongs! It was a MEME—FOR FUCKS SAKE LET ME GO WOMAN IT HURTS!” Your mother sighed, letting you go before making you face her.

“You will go over there and apologize to his parents. Do I make myself clear?”

“Yes ma’am,” you groaned. You turned to the boys and hummed.

“It’s cold out there. You can come in and sit in the living room till I’m dressed and then we can get the old introductions outta the way. As you know, my name is (y/n), have fun waiting for me.”

You galloped upstairs with a sigh as the boys entered the home and took a seat in the living room or kitchen. You quietly entered your room and hummed, going over to the half-open box of clothes and pulled out whatever was on top. You lazily tossed on a plain t-shirt that wasn’t used for sleeping in, your pair of favorite jeans, and a jacket meant for going out in cold weather. You slipped on a pair of fuzzy and thick socks before grabbing your shoes and slipping them on. You looked in the mirror and lazily fixed your hair so it was presentable and made your way back downstairs. Your mother was quick on her feet to present warm beverages and snacks. You rolled your eyes and shrugged on your coat quickly before stopping at the end of the stairs.

“Now, you be nice to those people okay? We just got here and I, as a grown adult, would like adult friends not scared off by their kid,” she smiled. You hummed, smiling back and giving her a quick hug as she kissed the top of your head and shoved a plate wrapped in plastic too you. Looking down, you hummed, moms famous baked goods. These won over just about anyone.

“I promise I will, I love you, I’ll see you when I get home if these guys don’t win me over and show me around town.” You nodded your head toward all the boys who, visibly, looked quite uncomfortable, except for the tubby one. Your mom gave you one last hug before you moved and opened the door, staring the boys down in your own way to tell them it was time to go. As they quickly emptied their cups and thanked your mother for the drinks and snacks, they ushered themselves out before stepping out into the freezing cold.

As the last one out of the door, you shut it carefully and checked your pocket it for your phone, reaching back inside and jack it form the stereo before declaring you were now ready to go.

“So, who first? I guess the blonde kid since I made him almost pee his pants in my house,” you smiled. Watching him grow embarrassed and uncomfortable, he rubbed the back of his head nervously while smiling.

“Everyone calls me Butters, my parents' names are Stephen and Linda. They aren’t angry at you for what you did, but they were, concerned,” he muttered. As you reached up to the front door, you knocked on it softly, quietly tapping your foot and waiting for an answer, deciding it would be a polite thing to do instead of asking Butters to waltz you straight into his home and up to his parents.

As his parents opened the door, you gave them a shy smile and gave a slight shrug of your shoulders.

“Sorry Mister and misses….?”

“Stotch and it really is no problem at all dear. We were just, quite spooked,” Linda spoke with a gentle laugh. Stephen sighed softly before carefully taking the case and looking it over.

“What is this,” he asked.

“Oh, those are my mom’s famous baked goods; there are a couple of different ones in there. The cookies are the best. Please, don’t be afraid to come over and talk to my mom, she gets lonely without any friends,” you said with a smile. The two adults simply smiled and thanked you for the apology, explaining that they just had been spooked and wanted to make sure their son wasn’t about to become friends with someone who was an actual drug user. You explained to them the only drug you used was life, and you got mega high off of it. That and your anti-anxiety medication.

After accepting your gift, everyone turned around and backed themselves onto the sidewalk, the sound of an occasional car going back caused you to shiver at the extra cold wind you didn’t need feeling.

“Right, so my name is Stan. You know, the one you made make out with the horse mask,” Stan mused with a smile. You gave a few chuckles, apologizing to him now for having that happen before he waved his hand dismissively, explaining how it would be a first meeting he wouldn’t forget.

“Green hat is Kyle, the tub of lard over there is Cartman, and the orange parka is Kenny. He’s a lady killer, not literally though. He likes to girl hop.”

“I’m not fucking fat!”

“Please tell me you aren’t going to do the freshman fifteen,” you muttered while pointing at Kenny. His only response was a smirk and you could only roll your eyes. He suddenly moved in close, grabbing your hands and starring you down with a coy smile on his face.

“You wouldn’t want to be my first victim, would you,” he muffled. You laughed, easily slipping from his hands and pointing at him.

“Good joke, but I’m a junior. Soon to be senior my guy,” you hummed. Butters seemed to smile a bit.

“Well, then that means you’ll be in our graduating class! Oh, I hope that means we can be friends,” Butters spoke. You looked at him confused, suddenly feeling a weird spike of nervousness shoot through your system. You hummed, looking down at the floor and looking at the cracks and holes in the cement beneath your feet. You gave a little kick to some snow before glancing up at all five boys before you before smiling nervously.

“D-Does this not make us friends..? I’m sorry, I’ve been friends with the same people for so many years,” you blabbered. Oh god, word vomit. You hated it when you began to word vomit. Quickly trying to shut yourself up, you chewed on the zipper on your jacket, grinding it painfully in your mouth to keep yourself from talking again. Stan looked a little surprised before chuckling, suddenly play-punching your shoulder.

“Of course dude! Oh, that is, if you don’t mind me calling you dude.”

“Not at all, as long as none of you mind me calling you weird things that relate to the internet and the memes it produces,” you shrugged your shoulders.

“No, I don’t think we’ll mind at all.”

“Great, now show me around this dump. Or maybe even new people.”

Okay, so maybe getting to know people wasn’t going to be such a pain in the ass after all.

#South park #South park reader insert #reader insert #Stan Marsh #Butters Stotch #kyle broflovski #kyle brovlofski #Eric Cartman #kenny mccormick #fanfiction

8 notes · View notes

phoenixmakeswords · 5 years

Text

Something I wrote for this prompt from @promptsforthestrugglingauthor. I don’t normally write fantasy-type, dragon-involving things, but it sorta rooted into my brain and demanded I do this.

“You know, I really didn’t expect to have this perfect of a date,” I remark casually as I follow Levi up his apartment steps.

“Oh, really? Just remember, if Maxie starts jumping, just stand your ground and tell him down, okay?” Levi seems nervous about me meeting his dog for some reason. I don’t get it; I love dogs.

I nod slowly. “What kind of dog is he?”

“Did I mention he’s not a dog?” He opens his apartment door slowly and motions me inside.

A blue dragon the size of a Great Dane sits expectantly on the other side of the door. Huffing softly, it nuzzles Levi’s hand until he’s petting its scaly head.

“You have a freakin’ dragon in your apartment,” I gasp in disbelief. I have to be hallucinating. That’s the only explanation for this.

“Uh-huh. He’s a Scyllian dragon, so this is as big as he’ll get. You look really freaked out. He’s not gonna bite. Or incinerate you. His breed doesn’t even breathe fire.”

Maxie gazes up at me with intelligent eyes the color of blue fire. Huffing, he snuffles at my hand. I stiffen expectantly, waiting for him to eat my fingers. He’s warmer than I expected. And not wet or slimy, despite the wet look of his scales.

“He’s pretty,” I murmur once he stops sniffing me.

“Isn’t he? And he’s super smart.”

Maxie cocks his head at Levi before rising to his hindlegs and putting his front feet on my shoulders. The creature is taller than I am! I brace myself for the pain of his six-inch talons cutting into my shoulders, but they don’t. A glance explains why: His talons sport gel caps like people use for cats. The caps match his blue, opalescent scales. I glance back up and nearly pee my pants. I'm eye-to-eye with a creature who could tear my throat out in a moment if he chose.

And what a creature he is. He has a long head, almost horse-like. Twin blue horns, one on each side, sweep back from his head. Almond-shaped, intelligent blue eyes with reptilian pupils watch me curiously. Flappy, soft ridges, almost like a mane, line the back of his neck. The opalescent blue scales on his body give way to silvery iridescent ones on his throat and belly. His feet are the size of dinner plates. Leathery pale blue wings fold against his back. His tail is almost as long as his body and quite thick. It’s probably a good thing he doesn’t wag like a dog.

He’s making a weird noise. It’s a soft trilling noise in the back of his throat.

“Uh, Levi? Is he okay? He’s not gonna bite or blow up or something, is he?” I ask nervously.

“He’s happy. That’s his happy noise.”

“Alrighty then.” I'm way over my head. It’s a good thing Levi’s cute.

“You can tell him to get down. He’s not supposed to jump on guests.”

The whole thing gets weirder when Maxie starts doing this weird slow-blink thing after he gets down.

“He likes you. You can pet him if you want,” Levi explains, guiding me to his throw-covered couch. Maxie makes himself comfy with his head on my knee.

I haven’t even looked at his apartment. I’ve been too concerned with the dragon currently sitting at my feet like a dog.

“How long have you had him?” I rub Maxie’s forehead hesitantly. His head contains his teeth, which isn’t scary at all.

“Three years. He’s seven, so he’s older than he looks. He, um, he was a rescue.”

“I take it that’s bad? I don’t know anything about them.” I’d heard the rumors, but I hadn’t believed dragons existed. Now I have one staring at me and trilling.

“It was bad. If you look close, you can see the scars. He had electrical burns from the cattle prods. They thought it was funny. You never want to hear a scared dragon cry. I know this is a little much on a first date. I happen to really like you and I felt like we clicked. So, I needed to make sure you and Maxie clicked too.”

“They electrocuted him? Why? He is a little much. Most people have a cat.”

“Because they could. Because making a beautiful creature scream made them happy. He’s still not okay. Well, he’s sort of like a scaly winged cat.”

“Where does he use the bathroom?”

“Litter box. Um, he does have a food issue. He steals any food left unattended. Oh, and he occasionally hoards it. I found rotten pizza under my bed once.”

“Is the dragon hoard thing true?” Just like that, a ‘mythical’ creature has taken over our entire date.

“Yeah. Yeah, it is. You wanna see his? It’s hilarious. He’s the weirdest dragon ever.”

“Sure. Do you take him for walks and stuff?”

Maxie surprises me by nodding.

“D-did he just answer me?” I ask timidly. I'm beginning to think Levi’s cuteness isn’t enough for this.

“Yeah, he does that. He understands human speech. He can’t talk. Thankfully.”

“H-how do you walk him?”

Maxie plods placidly beside me as I follow Levi to the hoard.

“He has a harness. It’s really tricky with his wings. Depending on his mood, it can be more like flying a kite than walking a dog,” Levi explains, opening a door at the end of the hall.

There’s a pile of milk rings mixed with socks and gloves. An oversized dog bed is in the corner, along with a bowl of water and an empty food bowl. Maxie trots over to it and stands protectively in front of it.

“Like I said, scaly winged cat,” Levi grins.

“He takes your socks?”

“Uh-huh. Just the ones with holes in them. Oh, and he plays fetch with the milk rings. Which we can’t do because his galumphing disturbs the neighbors.”

“I didn’t know they were this smart.”

Maxie gives me an insulted look.

“If he were human, he’d probably cure cancer. Or take over the world,” Levi explains proudly.

When we don’t move to touch his hoard, Maxie pads over to us.

“How many kinds are there?” I ask, brushing my hand along Maxie’s side. A low growl rumbles in his chest. I'm rather fond of my hand, so I move it quickly. I don’t miss the way the dragon flinches, like I might hit him.

“He doesn’t like his sides and flanks messed with. Thank God he doesn’t need baths or I wouldn’t have fingers. There’s two different species. Scyllian like Maxie and Artaxes, which are the size of a horse. Artaxes dragons can breathe fire. They’re scary. Scyllians can be. Maxie can be. He’s not gonna hit you.” Levi rubs a soothing hand over Maxie’s head. Maxie butts against him and trills happily.

Levi and I lapse into silence while he soothes Maxie. I hadn’t meant to scare him.

“I'm sorry I scared him,” I say awkwardly when I can’t take the silence anymore.

“I should’ve warned you. It’s my fault. So, now that you’ve met him, whaddya think? Too much? Maxie and I are kinda a package deal.” He rests his cheek against Maxie’s head.

“He’s a lot. Like, a lot. I wasn’t prepared for a dragon, Levi.” Rubbing the back of my neck, I sigh quietly. I like Levi. A lot. He’s attractive. He’s sweet. I had a lot of fun on our date. But a dragon?

“I get it. Not the first guy to freak out.” He sounds as upset as I feel. Maxie rumbles softly and headbutts Levi’s stomach.

“Did he growl at you?”

“No. He does that when I'm upset. Along with the headbutting. He wants to help.”

“I'm willing to deal with Maxie. You’ll have to teach me. Like I said, I know nothing.”

“Okay, Jon Snow.” Levi grins at me happily. He grins like a little kid.

“Maybe we could take Maxie with us next time.”

“Maxie doesn’t do car rides. He pukes and he gets upset and it’s not pretty. I'm glad you’re willing to at least try.”

“I'm mostly doin’ this ‘cause you’re cute.” I really want to kiss him. I know he said we clicked, which we did, but I don’t know if he wants me to kiss him and I feel too awkward to ask. So, I take his Maxie-free hand instead.

“Let’s give it a shot.”

#my writing #oneshot #fantasy #dragon #blue dragon #pet dragon #prompt fill #gay romance #gay fiction #writers on tumblr #writeblr #romance #lgbt

31 notes · View notes

thewestmeetingroom · 3 years

Text

Ep 45 Exploring the Escarpment and Hart House Farm

Broadcast Dec. 5, 2020

SPEAKERS: Maxwell, Sabrina, Kristen

[Intro Music]

Sabrina: Hello and welcome to The West Meeting Room. Today's episode is hosted by me, Sabrina, one of the producers of the show. I am so so excited to share a piece that I put together from audio that I captured on a trip to Hart House Farm. For the next half hour, you are invited to come on a journey with myself and two of my friends as we explore somewhere we had never been before, get some fresh air, and chat.

[The following is a recording of the sounds of an outdoor adventure on Hart House Farms. Imagine the crunch of leaves in autumn, the cold wind, and laughter under the trees as you read.]

Kristen: Well are you going to talk about reptiles then?

Sabrina: We can eventually. Okay, say something, Kristen.

Kristen: Hello. Hello. How are you?

Sabrina: I'm good. How are you?

Kristen: I'm doing great. We have Maxwell over here in the corner. He is...

Sabrina: He is walking away. I need to turn up the input level.

Kristen: Wow.

Sabrina: Okay, I'm recording again.

Kristen: Okay, drones are actually kinda cute though.

Maxwell: Until they are shooting at you from the sky.

Sabrina: I don't think it's that kind of drone.

Maxwell: I know.

Sabrina: You know.

Kristen: Do you really?

Maxwell: Okay. Are you recording?

Sabrina: I am recording.

Maxwell: Should we go?

Sabrina: Yeah. I just want to record the adventure, because I don't really know what it is. Wait, are we going inside?

Kristen: Yeah. Because he wants to ask where the path is to go.

Sabrina: Okay. So for anyone who doesn't know, by now, we are trying to find some ponds,

Kristen: and a sauna

Sabrina: and a sauna, because apparently like you can, if you wish, swim in the ponds. It is like three degrees outside. So I don't know who in their right mind is swimming in these ponds. Literally the guy who's giving us his introduction, he was like, if you're swimming, be careful, because it is very cold, and you could go into shock. It's like, this is when you close down the water. So anyway, there's a pond. The high in this area today is five degrees. Five degrees celsius.

Kristen: Wow. Those are pretty. What are those are white flowers.

Sabrina: How many acres of land did it say that they owned? Online? I looked it up. I'm gonna guess it said 100 and something but I could be lying.

Kristen: Honestly, I don't know how much an acre is.

Sabrina: Yeah, I don't know how to gauge an acre. I think that's the biggest problem. Like I don't, I don't know what an acre is. So, ah, multiply that out to the space area, but it's very big it's very expansive.

Kristen: And I also don't know what the numbers mean to begin with.

Sabrina: That's a good point. There's like, a nice- I was gonna say a farm. It's not like a farm, like they don't grow anything. There's an orchard.

Kristen: Yeah.

Sabrina: But is it an orchard because you UofT is like, let's tend to these apples. Or did they just come across this land? And they're like, Oh, awesome. Like, here's some apples like, let's cultivate it. Okay, this looks like a ditch. Like, this is where you throw bodies.

Kristen: There's a little pathway this way Okay, honestly.

Sabrina: There's a pathway? There we go.

Kristen: Over here.

Sabrina: Yeah, I want more crunching noise.

Maxwell: Yeah.

Kristen: Yeah, very satisfying, you know? We are the ones crushing things.

Sabrina: Facts, also when the wind comes in...

Maxwell: We'll go in that corner? Are you getting a crunch?

Sabrina: I am getting a crunch. It's weird because there's so many varying noises. There's your voices, which are quiet depending on how far you are. And then there's the crunch. And then there's the wind, which is like, loud no matter what you do. I might get a picture of those on our way back. So we finally found the path.

Kristen: This is a much nicer path. Then the one we were walking

Maxwell: It's was all the way up, we could have avoided all that.

Sabrina: We weren't even on a path. We were just in the middle of a field. Do you guys want to do a thing for me? Okay, Kristen. Can you just like, describe where we are, describe what you see, describe what you smell, if you smell anything, describe how it makes you feel. Describe why you want to be here, why you don't want to be here.

Kristen: It's cold. We are walking on very dry pieces of grass that are almost like sticks at this point. There's a variety of trees around. And they are quite beautiful actually. Although I wish there were more leaves on the ground for us to step on. That'd be fun. The crunch would be nice. It's pretty peaceful out here. I would say like the air is actually significantly cleaner than the air in the city. So I can appreciate that.

Sabrina: Is it like the BC air that you left at home? And you're like, wow, the water tastes better. The air smells better. Is this what this is like?

Kristen: Yes, yes, this is exactly what it's like. And it reminds me of being home except I didn't live on a farm. So it's a little bit different, but it's pretty similar anyway.

Sabrina: Thank you. Okay, now we need to find this sauna. But the crunche is nice, it's like autumn.

Kristen: Yeah, but it hurts.

Sabrina: Oh, is it because you have the stockings on?

Kristen: Hmm?

Sabrina: Because you have the socks on?

Kristen: No, it hurts because what's the word? Like, you know, when you step- and they are dry so like, it's like more like sticks that you're stepping on?

Sabrina: Yeah.

Kristen: Yeah.

Sabrina: Hi.

Maxwell: Hi.

Sabrina: Do you want to say something?

Maxwell: The trees are so pretty.

Sabrina: That was Maxwell

Kristen: Did you just say the trees are so pretty?

Maxwell: Yes.

Sabrina: The gloves I bought, brought, were not the warmest gloves I own. I feel like I have regrets. But it's fine. No regrets, right.

Kristen: This is mud... This is what it is like to live in the wild. You won't have the nicest gloves of you.

Sabrina: That's for sure. This is like the conditions and I was like, Hey, Mom, I think I'm gonna try hunting. And she was like, Ah, you can't even sit outside in like two minutes of rain. This is like the kind of weather that like, I'm literally going to go hunt for like, one week out of the entire season and then any adverse weather and I'm like, okay, we're done.

Kristen: Packing up. My arrows are gone.

Sabrina: Yeah, like I better catch a deer like these five days because after this, this is a wrap.

Kristen: No horses.

Sabrina: No horses.

Kristen: Okay, there's a fork here.

Sabrina: Oh!

Kristen: But I don't think this is the fork we want because they're pointing that the ponds go that way.

Sabrina: Okay so let's just follow the signs she said to follow.

Kristen: This is a nice little downhill walk. There's a cliff right there, which means if you don't see me anymore, this is what happened. I fell, and I cried, and I just laid there.

Sabrina: I'm gonna make this like the preview of the episode- [laughing]- oh my god, I almost died. I literally almost twisted my ankle. Okay, anyway, I'm gonna make that the, um, preview of the episode. It's gonna be like, it's gonna start it's just me, Kristen, like "there's a cliff right there and if I don't come back, you know, I ended up. Dead. At the bottom of a cliff". So Max, come here. Tell me what you're seeing. Tell me what you're feeling. Tell me how you're enjoying the space.

Maxwell: It's good. There's a lot of leaves. The nature's nice. It's a little cold out but like not terrible. But other than that it's just nice to be outside.

Sabrina: This is like steep. This is like when they said it wasn't accessible. I was like, oh yeah, there's like a couple steps. Like no like I'm about to take a tumble and ruin all of this recording equipment. We found the pond, we found a pond.

Kristen: One of two ponds

Sabrina: Was it two ponds or three ponds?

Kristen: I think two and then a sauna.

Sabrina: Two ponds. Okay, that's exciting. There's like a deck. There's some trees, the pond looks kind of questionable. You could get leeches but like it it looks okay.

Kristen: We're in the middle of nowhere and I need to pee.

Sabrina: I feel like honestly peeing in the middle of nowhere is better than peeing in those out houses.

Kristen: Okay I'm going to go to the corner

Sabrina: Okay, I'm gonna cut this out of the audio. Okay, let's go max

Kristen: I've never peed in an outdoor area. Wait wait, Max, do you have napkins?

Maxwell: Oh true [Inaudible]

Kristen: [Laughing]

Maxwell: Is Kristen still alive? I haven't heard a ruffle in a while.

Sabrina: [Inaudible]

Kristen: We stan a nice pond.

Sabrina: So we're at the pond. Would you swim here?

Maxwell: Aaaa, questionable. A little murky.

Sabrina: I don't want to go too close to the water because I'm afraid I can't really feel this with my gloves. And next thing you know, the whole system just gets yeeted into the pond. So, you know,

Maxwell: but it looks good from a distance. Not with me in it. Not with me in it.

Sabrina: It looks, it looks pretty Zen. I think it's kind of like a body of water that I wouldn't necessarily want to go in but something that I want to look at.

Maxwell: But it's not clear like those bodies of water where you see it and like it's so clear it's reflecting everything and stuff.

Sabrina: I think you're talking about a pool, a man-made pool

Maxwell: No, in the mountains.

Sabrina: How much time you spend in the mountains?

Maxwell: None in my life but, like, I've seen pictures.

Sabrina: You're saying you want to go to the mountains?

Maxwell: Yeah.

Sabrina: When?

Maxwell: Not now.

Sabrina: Oh, okay. So I'm gonna give you the recording thing cause I want to take a picture. Don't drop it in the water. Talk to the people. Interview Kristen.

Kristen: You probably would actually end up finding leeches in here.

Sabrina: You're not, you need to point it at her mouth. Interview Kristen, Maxwell.

Maxwell: Why isn't she saying anything?

Sabrina: You need to interview her.

Kristen: You need to ask questions.

Maxwell: So how is your little adventure?

Kristen: It was, it was great. Um, nature is nice. Um, this pond. You could probably find a leech in here. Leeches are actually quite small. And the big ones you see are not all of the leeches available in the world. So you could be bitten by a leech without knowing it.

Maxwell: Have you ever seen leech?

Kristen: Yes, I tried to hold one actually. Didn't end well. Basically, I was in a lab. And they had leech specimens in there, in jars. And I put my hand in the jar. And I was trying to pick it up. But obviously if it's in water, it's like slippery, and it's swimming around. And it's just a real struggle. So I tried to grab it. And then it started freaking out. And then I started freaking out. So I dropped it and then I was just like, this isn't happening. But I will tell you. If somebody was to give me a leech outside of water, I would hold it.

Sabrina: Okay, and I'm back. Let's go. Let's go find this sauna. I'm a little afraid to go into the sauna to be honest, with regular clothes. Because then everything's gonna get hot and you're gonna feel significantly colder when you come back out.

Kristen: I really have no idea what to expect.

Sabrina: Have you never been in a sauna before?

Kristen: No.

Sabrina: It's just a very hot room.

Maxwell: I haven't either.

Sabrina: I would not suggest spending extensive amount of time in it. Because walking back to the house is going to take a long time and you're going to be twice as cold. Max, I have a question for you.

Maxwell: Yeah.

Sabrina: Is your neck cold?

Maxwell: No.

Sabrina: Your neck is not cold?

Maxwell: I don't wish I had a scarf right now because a scarf would be terrible.

Sabrina: So you're telling me that your neck is not cold at all?

Maxwell: Like I could be decapitated because my scarf got stuck in the escalator.

Sabrina: So what you're saying is, you don't have a cold neck.

Maxwell: Like, it's not going to be warm. Like, I never said it was warm. But like it's not frozen?

Sabrina: And that was Maxwell with internal temperature. Next week, we will be talking about reptiles. And the best way to store them in your house. See you next time. Sabrina Brathwaite

Kristen: It looks like there is a dam over here.

Sabrina: Ooo, do we wanna go investigate?

Kristen: Sure

Sabrina: Okay, lead the way Kristen, because you saw.

Kristen: I would hold it!

Sabrina: Hold what?

Kristen: A leech.

Sabrina: Oh. I don't think anyone's doubting you.

Maxwell: [Inaudible]

Kristen: You don't know that. I could tell you were judging me, Maxwell.

Maxwell: I was just surprised where that went.

Sabrina: No, that was a good story, though.

Kristen: I actually have a video of me holding the leech, well trying to. It was clearly unsuccessful.

Sabrina: Wait, did they like sterilized the leeches or something? So they don't suck your blood? Or is it like

Kristen: No, they feed. But they've been fed already. You know, leeches, they can hold up to five times the amount of liquid in their body as blood. They expand so much that when they are full, they are incredibly fat. So you know when you need to feed a leech and you know when you don't need to.

Maxwell: But does it still not bite? Or like...

Kristen: Oh, it bites if you irritate it. Or if you like, held on to it for too long. You're poking at it. But, otherwise, if it's okay, if you've only held it for a little bit, it's not gonna bite

Sabrina: Sounds like me when I'm hungry. Anyway, the battery in this pack? Oh my god.

Kristen [Inaudible]

Sabrina: No, my like foot. My foot slid when I was walking. There's moss everywhere. There's dead trees. It's really loud. I don't understand why anyone would hunt in autumn, like the animals can hear from ten miles away like

Kristen: You know, I really don't actually know what a dam looks like. But that's pretty dam-y.

Sabrina: I just walked into a branch. That doesn't look like a beaver-made dam.

Kristen: Upon, further inspection, it is not a dam.

Sabrina: So it's been verified. It's not a dam... I'm stuck in these trees, man. Max's neck might not be cold, but mine is.

Maxwell: You're wearing a scarf.

Kristen: Yeah,

Sabrina: I think it's because I'm talking and breathing in the air through my mouth.

Kristen: And you have asthma.

Sabrina: And I have asthma. Fun fact, I don't like unsupervised children and my lungs don't like me. More specifically they don't like breathing properly.

Maxwell: Oh, is that the other lake?

Sabrina: Looks like you could drown in the second pond.

Kristen: This is why he said that we shouldn't swim if we don't know how to swim.

Sabrina: Literally everyone in our group does not swim that well. Well, one of us doesn't know how to swim at all. No one brought bathing suits. Two of us have heavy backpacks and electronics in them, think it's a great day to jump in the pond.

Kristen: Yes.

Sabrina: Forget the cliff. It's been confirmed that we've made it this far. But if you don't hear from us again, it's because we went into the pond, got hyperthermia, and died.

Kristen: Or we went into the sauna, and we got incredibly dehydrated, and died.

Sabrina: Is this the sauna? What does that say?

Kristen: Sauna.

Sabrina: Oh. Oh, it does. I thought it said, like, shrimp.

Kristen: I really like Shrimp.

Sabrina: Shrimp is nice.

Kristen: Yeah.

Sabrina: Shrimp.

Kristen: Although, did you know that you're supposed-? Oh, there are three ponds.

Sabrina: See, I knew it was three.

Kristen: You're supposed to be quite wary when you're having shrimp in sushi, because they don't often de-gut the shrimp. So the shrimp will be dead. But there will still be fecal matter in their system. And you can eat that without knowing it.

Sabrina: That's gross.

Maxwell: Is it safe?

Kristen: I mean, no one's died from it from what I know. But I don't think it's pleasant to eat fecal matter.

Sabrina: That's where you're wrong. All right.

Kristen: Oh, wow, she's steamy!

Sabrina: She's steamy. We're gonna go into the sauna, gonna turn this off because steam is water. And this is technology. Welcome to life advice rant. Welcome to life is- welcome to life advice lamp with Kristen De Los Reyes. Today she's going to tell us a few good things about being small.

Kristen: Not necessarily two good things, but two things about being small. Earlier, Max was saying that the most likely way for us to die at this point is if a tree fell on us. As a small person, it would probably be pretty easy to avoid a tree falling on you. But as a small person, if a tree fell on you, you'd just be dead. So, you either do well or you don't. That's my two things about being small.

Sabrina: That's life, folks. The battery on this thing is like going. I think it's because it's cold outside?

Kristen: Yeah.

Sabrina: Alright.

Kristen: Extreme temperatures will make your battery die.

Sabrina: It's time to put it away.

Sabrina: Thank you so so much to Max and Kristen, my two friends, for letting me record those moments at the farm. We had gone two years ago and it was a lot of fun returning to this audio and putting it together. A special thank you to Day, Braeden, and the rest of the Hart House Student podcaster team for help in producing the show. Our intro/outro music was produced by Dan Driscoll and, as always, a huge thank you to you, our amazing listeners. We love to hear from you. You can follow us on Instagram @HartHouseStories or on Twitter @HHPodcasting. We also archive all of our episodes on soundcloud at soundcloud.com/HartHouseStories. Before I go, I want to thank you so much for listening. We'll be back next week with The West Meeting Room.

#exploring #harthouse #harthousefarm #outdoors #adventure #cold #pond #lake #leaves #leech #friendship #freshair

0 notes

cksmart-world · 4 years

Text

The completely unnecessary news analysis

by Christopher Smart

May 19, 2020

IT'S THE TESTING, STUPID

OK, this whole thing with testing is getting ridiculous. One day you can test negative and the very next day you could be positive. So what good is that? And another thing, the more testing we do, the more cases of Covid 19 we have. So, it's simple isn't it, just don't do so many tests. The official death toll is said to be over 90,000 in this country. But we know that's way too high. How could so many people be dead? It's actually a lot less and if we stop the stupid testing, we'll have even fewer deaths. As the White House now tells us, Operation Pumpkin will yield a vaccine by Halloween and we can all go trick-or-treating safely right before RE-ELECTION DAY. And everyone who wants, can get vaccinated except in blue states. This whole coronavirus thing has been blown way out of proportion and its time to get America back to work and continue the greatest economy that ever existed in history — except for the last three years of Obama. And those bastards in the Obama administration left the cupboard bare, except for that 69-page playbook on how to deal with pandemics and the Global Health Security and Biodefense office, which had to be eliminated. Anyway, don't listen to guys like Dr. Anthony Fauci, they're only scientists and know nothing about politics.

FUN THINGS TO DO WHILE SELF-ISOLATING

-Pretend your living room is a dancehall and do the western swing to Choo Choo Ch'Boogie by Asleep At The Wheel.

-Pretend your sofa is an airplane, dress up in an Elvis suit and parachute into Vegas singing “Only Fools Rush In.”

-Recreate the Death Valley Marathon in an empty lot wearing only shorts, a hijab and a camelback canteen while singing, “I've been through the desert on a horse with no name... ”

-Drink three cups of strong coffee and ride your bicycle around the block (wearing a mask, of course) pretending that you're Lance Armstrong doping in the Tour de France.

-Line up six dining chairs in three rows of two and put on “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” by Ladysmith Black Mambazo, while pretending you're a safari driver in the Serengeti, pointing to your kid's stuffed animals and warning passengers, “No pee breaks because you'll be eaten by lions or teddy bears.” (Wilson and the band loved this one, especially after a few beers.)

-And finally, pretend your sofa is a Bugatti and dress up like Isadora Duncan and accidentally strangle yourself when your long scarfs get caught in the spokes. (Editor's note: don't really strangle yourself to death.)

-Next week, we'll have a fun list of things you can do while locked down with your kids.

INSPECTORS GENERAL SUCK

Inspectors general are a pain in the ass. They find stuff that doesn't work or people who are ripping stuff off and report it. It's always bitch, bitch, bitch. And so President Trump had a good idea: fire the bastards. White House aides opened a file called “Fire the Bastards Project.” On April 3, Trump shit-canned Michael Atkinson who declared as credible a complaint that Trump pressured the president of Ukraine to get dirt on Joe Biden. They should have hung him for treason. Then on April 6, Trump sent Glen Fine packing. He was supposed to oversee $2 trillion in spending Congress allotted to mitigate coronavirus impacts. But the president didn't want old Glen Fine sticking his nose where it don't belong. And, of course, the president had to dump HHS Deputy Inspector General Christi Grimm after she had the temerity to report that hospitals were struggling to keep up with the onslaught of coronavirus patients. Stupid woman. And then, the president had to boot Steve Linick, the State Department IG, because he was snooping around in Secretary Mike Pompeo's dirty laundry. What a pervert. It's like this: What you don't know can't hurt you — and it helps at election time, too.

DID BODY SNATCHERS INVADE FOX ?

The new U.S. Space Force has identified alien intruders that seek to upend American politics. Insiders say new evidence indicates that aliens most likely invaded the bodies of Sean Hannity, Laura Ingram and Jeanine Pirro. Smart Bomb's sources spoke on the condition of anonymity because President Trump loves Fox and would go batshit if the theory proves to be true. Here are the facts: Some of the so-called “Fox hosts” are broadcasting from home during the pandemic and one evening, Jeanine Pirro got absolutely shit-faced and then went on air. New findings suggest that when androids imbibe they may give away valuable intel and Pirro had blurted out, “I must be quart low.” Analysts believe she was referring to hydraulic fluid that is necessary for android mobility. The artificial intelligence, or AI, that runs their mouths is separate and programmed with special software. It all looks to be a Mandalorian plot to destroy the Neo-Trump movement from within by making it's most famous purveyors appear completely insane. Some investigators, however, believe the plot may not have succeeded because some Americans think the androids are right: There is a vast left-wing conspiracy to create a virus, pretend 90,000 have died and make them wear masks to the beach. So much for advanced intelligence.

Post script — Swimsuit season is upon us and the latest fashion trend for women is the trikini. That's right, ladies, you can now get face masks to match the rest of your string bikinis. In fact, depending on the style, the face mask may cover more skin than the rest of the outfit. And think of it, you can strut your stuff and no one will recognize you. At this point we're dangerously close to being labeled sexist, so we'll change the subject. Now the question becomes, do you need face masks for golfing, cycling or Rollerblading? With enough social distancing, maybe not. We know President Trump doesn't wear a mask when he goes Rollerblading in shorts and knee socks at the Trump Skate Park. But we digress. Summer vacation time is almost here and American families must decide how to take a Covid 19-safe vacation. Disneyland is not the best option. And the beaches may be too crowded, whether or not you've got the latest trikini. Camping would be safe except every other American has the same idea. And it's a definite ixnay on a Princess Cruise with 3,000 would-be virus carriers on a floating petri dish. But here's an idea from the Smart Bomb travel desk: volunteer sheepherding on the Falkland Islands. Yes, it's windswept and rainy and it will be winter down there 670 miles east of the southern tip of Argentina. But it does have an upside. There will be no coronavirus and no price-gouging. Think of all the fun you and the kids would have herding those woolies around the island. It's something they could tell their kids about. And the best part: No news from the United States. Totally Trump-free. We knew we could convince you.

Alright Wilson, wake up the band and take us out of here with a little something to get us in vacation escape mode:

Everybody's talking at me I don't hear a word they're saying Only the echoes of my mind

People stopping, staring I can't see their faces Only the shadows of their eyes

I'm going where the sun keeps shining Through the pouring rain Going where the weather suits my clothes

Banking off of the northeast winds Sailing on a summer breeze And skipping over the ocean like a stone

(Everybody's Talkin, Harry Nilsson)

0 notes

xoxo-buttons-xoxo · 4 years

Text

Warned.

There are horrifying, spine-tingling people and things all over this world. Murders, rapists, abusers, drug dealers, who will stop at nothing to get every penny they earned, live all around us and we come into contact with them more often then we hope to. From birth we are raised to stay away from anything or anyone who could harm us, but what about what our parents forgot to warn us about? What if the thing that traumatized you the most had stunning brown eyes and the dark, chestnut crew-cut hair that tries to distract you from the dangerous lifestyle he lives. We should not be warned about dangerous drugs and malicious murders in the streets. We should be warned by the demon in disguise. We should be warned about him.

Chapter One- The Town Where Nothing Happens.

Hazard Town, Tennessee is the place where I find the most comfort, despite the name there is nothing bizarre that happens in this town. It is a place where all kids grow up together, teenagers swear to leave but never do, and adults settle down and start families. Hazard Town is my home and I have never known anything else. I never wanted to travel. I just wanted to stay in my town where the bright yellow, glazing sun rises early in the humid mornings drying the grass of its fresh dew and sits late at night as the shadow of the moon covers the never ending, mile long fields that are home to grazing cattle and stunning horses. I could never ask for anything more than what I have now. Every other teenager in this town however could not wait to move off and start a life in the town that never sleeps or the town that has the best waves for surfing. I find comfort in my town knowing that nothing hazardous does happen here. I see short TV clips on the news of the awful, wicked things that happen counties over from us, but my town has no crazy history and I would prefer to keep it that way.

"Ella Mae, get in here and fold the laundry. Please." My mom yells, being overly loud considering my room is right next to hers. "Coming!" I yell back to her, as I drag myself out of bed where if I had been left alone for maybe a few minutes more I most certainly would have fallen into a deep slumber. I walk out of my warm room with a blanket wrapped around me holding on to the warmth still trapped inside the blanket, but as soon as my feet hit the icy cold, hardwood flooring all my warmth is lost and I dart for the black leather couch, rummaging through the piled laundry basket for a pair of warm socks to protect my toes from the chilly air. I have never found out over the eighteen years I have lived here why they keep it so damn cold. Do they not have better things to spend their money on than the damned A/C running all day? I begin folding the clothes and felt my phone vibrate in my back pocket. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and checked the message it was from Caroline. Caroline has and will always be my best friend. She moved here in first grade and we have been inseparable since.

"Meet me at Red's at 9. Girls night out on me."

I looked at her message and then at the clock sitting on the overly expensive black entertainment center. It is already seven now. I still must finish this laundry and then do something magical with my makeup brushes to transform this mess into club worthy. I speed through the laundry keeping an eye on time knowing I could just throw my clothes into my drawers and my mother would never find out. I sprinted into my room and jumped into the shower not wasting a second. I got out and stepped out of the steam filled room into my bedroom which no longer seemed so warm. I walked over to my closet looking through the rack of outfits that look like I have college final exams coming up. I huffed and contemplated giving up and texting Caroline back telling her I am sick until my eyes land on the black dress I bought at the beginning of this year. I snatched it out of the closet and threw it on. It was nothing too fancy but also not too revealing. It was fitted around my chest area then flowed out until about mid-thigh. It would work besides I have no intentions on bringing any guy home tonight anyways.

I walk back to my bathroom the steam finally settled so I can see in my mirror. I blow dried my long, blonde hair and then curled it. I put on makeup but not anything too heavy. I hate the heavy feeling of having too much makeup on. I put on some wedges and did a quick glance in the mirror before walking out of my mom. I hollered to mom so she would not be worried about me later, "Mom, I am going out with Caroline. I will be back after while!" I shot a quick text to Caroline letting her know I am on my way and jumped in my car.

When I pulled up to Red's, it was beyond packed. This is the only club teenagers can get into around here, so they stay extremely busy on the weekends. Parents would rather their kids go to the club and party where security can control a situation if it gets out of hand rather than a house party where kids can drive off drunk. I immediately spot my best friends wild brunette hair through the crowd. I run over to her and laugh at the way the wind kept catching her hair blowing it in her face causing it to stick to her lip gloss. "Bout time you got here, you ready to go in?" She asked me as she begin walking to the door answering the question for me. "Yeah let's go!" I yelled just excited to finally be out of the house. I love my family but sometimes everybody needs a break. We walk through the doors after being evaluated by the bouncers and the immediate heat wave hits from the hundreds of crowded bodies fitting into this not so big club.

Me and Caroline just dance around to the music for what seems like hours and we both decide we need a drink. "Two waters please!" I yell at the bartender hoping she hears me over the insanely loud music. I understand she did when she nods her head at me. "I have to pee; I'll be right back." Caroline yells at me while shuffling off to wait in the progressively extending long line to the bathroom. I sit slumped on the bar stool waiting on Caroline to get back. I am not a very social person when I am by myself, I need to be within a group to uphold my confidence. I find my naturally nosy self listening in to the conversation of the two guys sitting next to me. I listen in and hear little bits and pieces of what they were conversing about. "Did you get rid of it?" I hear one say. "Of course, I did, I am not going down for this Monty. I have a family." "You will do whatever it is I tell you to do. You forget what I could do to that family of yo--" He cuts of abruptly. I heard enough of that conversation to know I did not need to hear anymore. I turn my head toward the bathroom to look and still see Caroline waiting impatiently in line.

I almost jumped out of my seat when I heard a deep, but also kind of sexy voice whisper in my ear. "So, you like to listen in on conversations that you aren't involved in, huh?" I whip my head around causing my hair to hit him directly in the face. "I was not listening to your conversation. I am waiting on my friend to get back from the bathroom." I say, my words laced with attitude. I mean I was listening to his conversation but there is no way he could have possibly noticed but I would never admit what I heard to this guy after hearing what he just said to what I thought was his friend. If he talks to his friends that way, I would hate to be on his bad side. "Sweetheart you don't run the streets I do and not know the game. You were bored waiting on your friend and having the antisocial personality you do let your ears wonder into my conversation. I do not want any trouble here, but I ask keep what you heard to yourself. I promise it is for your best interest. You've been warned." He said and without giving me any time to respond walked off to meet back up with his "friend."

I rolled my eyes and went back to waiting on Caroline. I was no longer in the mood to party. That asshole just tried to scare me into keeping my mouth shut and after talking to him, I think his ego is too high. Seriously "you've been warned" who says that. I mean after hearing his dramatic conversation with whoever the other guy was, I was slightly freaked out, but now I just figured out he is an jerk who most likely didn't get enough ass whoopings as a kid. With almost perfect timing, Caroline runs over to join me at the bar. "Slurp that down quick, we are leaving." I said, explaining nothing and turning to look where the asshole was on the other side of the bar. What was his name anyway? Matthew, Mike? Monty, that was his name. Caroline quickly interrupted my thoughts with her high-pitched whine she does when she hears something she does not like. "No, don't be a party-pooper. I just started having fun. C'mon, please." I snapped my head around to her not quite feeling like dealing with anyone and started explaining just why I am in such a "party pooper" mood. "You see that guy over there?" I asked pointing him out noticing he was already looking at me. "Yeah, he's cute. You gonna take him home?" She said winking at me with a silly smirk on her face. "No, that guy is the reason I want to go home. He is an asshole. I eavesdropped for two seconds and this guy gets an attitude and threatens me if I tell anything I heard." I say keeping the rudest look I could give fixed right on him. I could do this all night. "Oh, hell no! Nobody threatens my best friend!" Caroline yells and before I could stop her, she is across the bar with her finger in his face yelling at him like a mother yells at her son.

It did not take long for the guy to put his hand in Caroline's face and shove her out of his way. He started taking long strides over to the bar with a cocky smirk on his face. He stops when he is inches away from my face. I stand up trying to make myself seem more tough, but I am pretty sure I was taller on the bar stool. "So, sweetheart you told your friend over there about our conversation after I politely asked you not to-" I cut him off and begin to let him know what I thought about our run-in minutes ago. "First, you were far from polite if that is how you treat your friends, I am shocked you have any. Second, I did not tell my friend shit about what I heard in your conversation. Finally, just for the record cut the bad boy act you aren't scaring anyone." I shoved him out of my way and began to walk off, but my moment of greatness was short lived when he grabbed me by my arm and spun me around. "You see sweetheart that was nice, and you were right I do not have friends. I have people I work with and you just seemed to get yourself caught up in the middle of it. Finally, for the record, it isn't an act but you will find that out soon enough, just don't forget sweetheart I warned you." He let me go and just like before walked over to his worker I guess is what he is and left the bar.

Caroline ran over to me and pleaded I tell her what he said, but to be honest I was freaked out. Those words just kept repeating in a constant loop, "You've been warned." I thought it was an act but something in those dark brown eyes told me something far more wicked and dark was hiding inside him and I feared I might have just invited the devil to play a game he has won countless times before.

#warned #badboy #bad #goodgirl #good #evil #drugs #monty #ella #gang #story #wattpad #freaks #gangsters #danger

0 notes

familyvisionis2020 · 4 years

Text

Day 1 - Asheville (2 of 2)

We got to The Mothlight around 6 and loaded in our gear. The sound guy is kind, learns or names, gives more bass mix in the monitor when the singer asks for it. I see our band name on the big movie broadsheet sized monthlong show poster and feel excited. In Asheville we take a walk and make fun of the murals, I tell the band about the Asheville 11 riots and the vegan restaurant that used to hook us up and memories of the anarchist scene that fees antique on my tongue. Kabir passes the rose water spray and so I take off my glasses and spray my face.

There’s a green room beneath the stage floor with a ping pong table and two dozen Battle Star Galactica VHS tapes and two water bottles with pee and an abandoned rocks glass. I beat Kabir in ping pong, Jeremy beats me, I think about the basketball game I quit last month because I habitually got too competitive and hurt or upset someone every week for weeks. I’m still on the group text for that game but I have it muted but I still read the texts.

We go upstairs and I read the first chapter of The Left Hand of Darkness over the course of an hour on a dusty velveteen mustard colored couch. Labor and Jeremy and John socialize and I’m happy to be left with my book, the sunset comes, the bartender arrives with a fuzzy jacket on, turns down the lights, puts on a playlist, takes plastic wrap off of limes. I’m able to get my friend from Carrboro who’s visiting in on the guest list which is nice. I get to share the kit of the headliner which means nicer than usual gear and mic’ed drums too which sounds so solid and big when I kick. I bring my own breakables though: snare, cymbals, sticks.

I find out there’s a few arcade cabinets in the back, make a b-line to the 1989 Atari Tetris cab. It’s not my favorite Tetris iteration but it’s a good one, joystick and two rotate buttons, kind of a soft high score situation because you can feed the machine quarters and prolong a game indefinitely. The longer the game goes the harder it gets though, and I’m rusty so it’s still a challenge. It’s a joy to play. The ecstasy of order, the familiar grid and cascade; the solid thunk of the joy stick isn’t unlike the satisfying fullness of a mic’ed kick drum. With a dollar I put up a casual second place high score and stop short because the opening band, Yeller, is playing. The lead singer is a femme with a merit colored crushed velvet cape, exaggerated mascara that I would call ‘corpse paint lite,’ dainty lace socks, torn fishnets, middle length brown hair that’s pretty but that has split ends. They remind me of how I looked when I dressed femme in Philly in 2015. I miss the way my girlfriend used to treat me when I dressed like that; I don’t miss the way most other people treated me. I miss feeling superior to boys who dress the way I dress now. I think about whether or not I’m much of a feminist as I was since I have conceded the battleground of the aesthetic, since I won’t show up for that fight anymore. I feel a wisp if fear and I am very comfortable. Earlier Jeremy Sharéd his kimchi with me; he said sometimes he just eats a whole jr in a sitting. Their band is hard to describe, it is rock, there is some bass solos. It does not sound like black metal or power pop or glam rock which are the genres my mind assumed the singer’s outfit signaled. The vocals remind me of folk punk, which in my narrow experience tracks with Asheville. Here are people in the front of the crowd bouncing around to the music and they look like they’re having so much fun and I try to let myself dance how they are, I find myself stiff but not too stiff to bounce a little. My body hasn’t done this movement pattern in a long time. In 2010 I would’ve called these people ‘muppets,’ a derisive epithet used primarily to excoriate such people for their putative positivity, lack of dourness, loud outfits and their bubbly interpersonal comportment, something like crunchy twee. Or is it deportment? I’m unbound by rigor typing with my thumbs in the van on the way to Knoxville. It’s nice to write slower and imperfectly.

The opener mentions us before finishing up which fees nice. We set up, slapdash soundchceck, I set up the breakables, change into shorts, fill up a water bottle, settle in to the cage of hardware, make it to the throne only after nearly falling over the cables slopped over the stage like black spaghetti. Big black electric udon, and is it the amps or the guitars who eat the noodles?

Before I know it Kabir has done his intro banter and my body knows it’s time to start the set, and it’s my responsibility as drummer to count off the first song and luckily we practice plenty and so my body knows just what to do and we’re playing and it’s smooth and tight and I let myself loosen up and I head bang and make faces and bounce all around. I know I don’t need to but I think the crowd likes it and I know the band likes it and as long as I don’t get too carried away and forget where we are in the song then it’s a great way to drum as so fun and exhilarating for me. I’m not so nervous like I was last tour. The set is smooth, over before I know it. I pack up quick and try to be courteous by coming back on the stage to ask Kabir if I can help him break down and I carry his combo off stage and get some water. The set was 20 minutes and my shirt is soaked with sweat, it’s a little gross but I feel proud like I have proof I worked hard for my band and the crowd.

I go back to check out the headliner, Yawpers, mostly to be polite and not at all because I am interested in hearing them play. I catch up with my friend from Carrboro before it gets too loud to talk, he tells me about when he was in his early 20s trying to teach his daughter to potty train and not doing a good job because he didn’t understand, anatomically and ergonomically, how exactly girls peeing worked. I like hearing about the story and when the band cuts the conversation short it feels like a mercy because I don’t have to respond or find a way out of the conversation. I wish that I didn’t treat conversations like a trap. I want to not be scheming for a way out of connecting with people. It’s something I can work on improving. I bounce around to the headliner, they sound like Led Zeppelin I guess, no bass at all, cool effects on the vocals modulated by a hdand-operates effectsbpedal mounted on the mic stand. After ~2.5 songs I slip into the back room where he Tetris cab is, pull up a stool, feed the machine 3 quarters and settle in. I push earplugs in and wipe sweat from my palms onto my jeans. I feel really really happy. I love playing Tetris so much. I forbade it for the most part in the last two years, one of dozens of activities I associate with a less stable past, a throwaway activity in a life where nowadays I believe my time is valuable, where I avoid ‘wasting’ time, which is the only way I used to spend my time. It is silly and pointless to play Tetris and I am the best at, here and now. I’m in the zone, my mind feels sharp, the joystick is responsive, I shake off the rust and I am knocking pieces around and finessing rotations in a groove, in the pocket, rhythmic and precise ad drumming, plus with visual proof. I lose track of time! That never happens lately anymore it seems like. Out of the corner of my eye I see Jeremy has trickled in and is spectating from a respectful distance. I love this, I love showing a small audience my curious pointless skill, I play harder and focus and do well. I get out of tight jams with ease. My play is a silk tightrope, or like watching a diligent curling pushbroom operator and the stone slides just exactly right into place. And I do that over and over and when I see my score surpass the high score I point to the score on the screen and later I find out Jeremy captured this on his phone and that makes me feel special and talented and seen.

I finally die but only after I’ve beaten the old high score by 100,000 points, a solid and respectable showing of ~488,000 over 3 credits and about an hour of play. I’ve gotten more than a million points on this same cabinet at the Quarter Horse in Durham but it took more than Han two hours and closer to $5 in quarters if I remember right. I get off the stool and Kabir is losing his mind in that warm exited way he does over my play, tells me I’m incredible, he kept thinking I would die and I kept not dying. This reminds me of how I felt about myself almost exactly two years ago. I feel happy and healthy and hale and held and whole, Kabir gives me dap and somehow Yawpers has not finished yet. There’s a weirdly long spoken word soliloquy from the frontman about his cocaine habit, ex wife, their divorce, some other stuff. Evidently this band had a write up in Pitchfork describing their sound as ‘an expansive vision of Rock.’ Expansive is the watchword as their set tips the scales at about 75 minutes and mercifully ends. I get to introduce my friend from Carrboro to Kabir and watch them connect which is lovely.

We get our cut of door plus extra plus we sold merch so we leave in the black which to me is a shock bc im used to playing show costing money. Our band is good and people really liked it and danced and came up to us after and gave what get to me like sincere earnest praise.

0 notes

sugaranspikes · 7 years

Text

because I’m getting excited about bronycon (august, baby!!), have a brony au with our favorite boys!

(and please, no hating on mlp or bronies, this is just for fun)(also, warning: super long!!)

the boys all got into mlp at various times. it was kind of like dominos - once one started watching it out of curiosity by it’s popularity, another one would catch them in the act. chirps would inevitably ensue, but days later the theme song would be heard, barely at a possible decibel for the human ear, from the same guy’s room. and on it went, until a lecture from a very loud, drunk shitty about society’s expectations on men and saying “fuck you” to the system forced them to ponder on their shame for watching a show for little girls. they came to the conclusion - who the fuck cares? they were allowed to enjoy whatever they wanted as long as it didn’t hurt anybody, and it was a good show. this allowed them to get more comfortable with the idea and finally watch the show together in the living room on saturday mornings.

eventually when they become big enough fans, they realize bronycon is happening in baltimore, maryland - a mere 6 hours from samwell! (boston, really). and of course, if they’re going to be going, they need to create cosplays!!

obviously, bitty is the quintessential pinkie pie. with his zest for life, baking, and parties galore, he embodies her persona. in his pink short shorts, pink button down over a cutie mark t-shirt, and ridiculously patterned knee socks, he zips around the convention like a butterfly, charming everyone he meets. he also brings pies to share with the convention-goers that don’t want to pay $10 for a piece of pizza. he likes to go the social media forums such as Equestria Daily as well as the YouTubers, to learn how to make himself an even bigger online presence.

jack never really got into MLP like everyone else did, but he definitely appreciates the messages. he watches episodes as background noise to his studying or hockey-play creating, and thinks about the kids he taught in pee-wee hockey and how much they’d like this show. he’s not entirely sure the names of all the ponies (the pink one is definitely Pinkie Pie, right? And the rainbow one is Rainbow Fast? or something) but the boys beg him to join them and he acquiesces. they dub him applejack, the down to earth pony who doesn’t take crap from anyone and is as strong as a bull. he is a great foil to everyone else’s crazy antics, and he’s happy to take as many photos as possible of all the great costumes and crowds. (and the boys forgive him when he looks at his fake tail tucked into his jeans and asks “who am I again?” mostly because in a cowboy hat and boots he is knocking everyone dead). oh, and freckles, ya’ll.

lardo, to no one’s surprise, immediately claims rainbow dash. they all argue for a bit because EVERYONE wants to be rainbow dash, but with a lift of her eyebrow the decision is finalized. she goes all the way and dyes her hair all the colors of the rainbow, claiming she had wanted to do it for awhile. she rocks a letterman jacket with rainbow’s cutie mark as well as sneakers and some cute gym shorts. she goes to the art panels as well as those that teach artists how to break into cartooning and such. it’s not her usual type of art, but it’s always good stuff to know.

ransom becomes the show’s star herself, twilight sparkle. with his anxiety about school and need to be the best in all things education, he is the best to capture twilight’s adorkable nature. plus, with his connections to everyone on campus and his innumerable facebook friends, he the best candidate for the princess of friendship. in his purple sweater vest and fake wings he scours the marketplace for rare merchandise. he is definitely the collector of the group, collecting mostly adult merchandise that should not be played with, such as the funko figurines. seriously, holster once tried to touch them. he will not make that mistake again.

holster, for his part, makes a great rarity. he claims to be the “fashionista” of the group, for his part in constantly trying to throw out ransom’s salmon shorts. everyone loudly disagrees, many stating he has the fashion sense of a white jock, but he holds his head high, dammit! it also helps that he plays piano, as rarity plays a key-tar in equestria girls. the group is horribly split between those who think of eqg as canon and those who don’t. he wears a white suit vest and pants with a purple shirt underneath, and goes to all the forums with the horse-famous as the key speakers because he idolizes them.

shitty, for his part, makes an extremely loud fluttershy. while not even in the vicinity of the same personality group, he extols fluttershy’s virtues as one of the characters with the most personality development in the show, and will tell anyone who will listen that he is an advocate for the shy and those who feel like doormats. in a yellow crop top with her cutie mark and a pink skirt, he draws crowds with his soapbox speeches and wild flowing hair. he likes to go to forums with the show’s creators and directors to ask questions about feminism, the matriarchy, and bronyhood. and for the love of god do NOT let him out on the streets, because he will confront any scoffing bystander with the question “does this threaten your fragile masculinity?!”

the frogs don’t actually go to bronycon, but the boys coerce them into dressing up as the cutie mark crusaders for a photoshoot before the con. dex is the long suffering apple bloom, arguably the leader of the group and the one most down to earth. chowder gets to be the sweet and excitable sweetie belle, while nursey is the talented but disabled scootaloo. the pictures start out nice, but quickly devolve into pictures of the three of them squabbling and falling over each other in an attempt to tug at each other’s pigtails. so, it actually turned out perfect.

imagine everyone’s surprise when they are walking through the con and come across tango and whisky as derpy and starlight glimmer, respectively. tango gets excited, asking “when did you get here? are you having fun? when did you make your costumes? do you like my costume? I’m derpy! well technically i’m muffins but I don’t like that they changed the name because it was completely unnecessary-”

whiskey just looks mortified and mutters a gruff “hello.” the boys sense his discomfort and comment on his outfit, ripped jeans and a t-shirt with starlight’s logo on it. it's interesting that he’s dressed as one of the most controversial characters on the show, though no one points that out.

and finally, when a few years have passed and jack and kent have become friendly again, kent insists on joining them for the next convention as sunset shimmer. “it’s ironic and fitting! plus she’s a fucking badass!” since he and jack are both famous in the NHL now their pictures are taken constantly, kent is not afraid to flirt with the camera. it’s a controversial topic in the sports world because of the oddity, but he takes it in stride and it goes a long way for help people come to terms with bronies.

after all, what are they but people who are fans of a show with cute ponies, a great message and engaging characters?

#aaaaaahhhh this took forever #had to get it out though #omgcp #brony #bronies #my little pony #mlp #omgcheckplease #op #headcanon #brony au

2 notes · View notes

underopenskies · 7 years

Text

Suddenly Socks

@fontsandsins ((And we’re caught up. :D RUN HAMISH RUN. Also suddenly socks. ;) Poor fella. Hehe.))

It was a long trek to her home, but it only took a little more than a day by truck. That was one nice thing about driving, that was for sure.

The boys tossed themselves into the back of Hamish’s truck and stretched out, alternating between sleeping and checking on the horses tucked in the livestock trailer being towed behind Hamish’s truck.

Skylar’s ranch was a lot like Hamish’s, but set further away from town. The trees were taller, and there were thick briars, with lots of wild dog tracks, along with cattle tracks from the free roaming herds.

The farmhouse was a towering thing, three stories tall with massive doorframes. It was obviously designed by their father, with the massive size in mind- but that made the skeleton sitting on the porch even smaller looking. She was dainty in comparison, bringing to mind Thomas’s build, with glasses curled over her nasal ridge. She was seated in a rocking chair, legs crossed with a book open in her lap. Vera McQuillin looked to be a small woman- not quite someone who could pump out the massive skeletons sitting in the back of Hamish’s truck, but appearances could be deceiving.

Skylar leaned across the seat, fingers curling over Hamish’s thigh, and pointed at a spot next to a beaten down truck as she did an awkward shimmy in her seat. “You can park the truck there, Haz.” She hummed. “Good gracious, I’m so ready to stretch my legs, an’ make use of the bathroom.” They’d been on the road for several hours, but after six hours driving, one did have to pee. And Skylar most certainly had to pee.

Hamish slowed the truck shifting down the gears and then gave to a stop, putting the truck into part and turning off the engine. He winced at the creak his truck gave when the two boys jumped out of the back. He would up his window and took out the key's pushing taking off his seat belt and opening his door, sliding out and tucking the car keys in his pocket. He pushed his door shut and walked around to Skylar’s side, looking up at the large house.

The two boys who had come with them hurried around back to go let the horses out, so they could go get water and stretch their legs. Adam and Greg would handle the horses in the trailer, giving them water and making sure that they were taken care of.

Skylar stepped out of the truck and stretched her legs, her back popping easily. She took a deep breath, rolled her neck, and gave Hamish a big grin. “This is my home, Hamish.” She chirped to him. “Well, where I grew up anyways. Home ’ll be where you are, soon.”

The older skeleton on the deck got out of her rocking chair, and stood up. She was smaller than Thomas, lacking the prominent horns that Skylar and her brothers had, and she walked with a small limp. But, the sharp, sharp teeth glimmering behind her lips happened to be where her daughter got her charming grin. “There’s ma baby girl,” Vera’s voice was raspy with age, but kind and warm. Blue eye lights flicked over to Hamish, and the much smaller skeleton assessed him thoughtfully. “You mus’ be Hamish. I’m Vera McQuillin.” She offered out her hand to him. “Ma baby girl tol’ me a lot abou’chu. C’mon up- I bet ya’ll are tired from th’ drive. M’boys can handle th’ horses for now, an’ then they cn’ join us. Woul’ ya like a glass a sweet tea?”

Hamish's cheeks heated. "Uh, thank you Ma'am but water would be fine for me, right now." He said. Why was he so nervous about making a good impression, he was a good guy? Oh right, because this was the first time he'd ever done this sort of thing before, not only this...but this was his child’s future grandma… and the last thing he wanted was for her to dislike him.

Skylar squeezed his hand, offering him a little bit of comfort against her mother. Her mother was a sweet lady, but she could be… intense in some ways.

“One water then.” Vera nodded. She caught Skylar’s eye and winked at her, making her daughter laugh softly. The McQuillin matron led the duo up to the house, and guided them into her home. The house was just as tall inside as it was outside, and everything had a step stool so the shorter skeleton could reach it.

Vera guided them towards the kitchen.

Skylar patted Hamish’s backside and parted from them for a moment to head down the hall and towards the rest room. “I need ta use the bathroom, sugar. I’ll be right back.” She called. "Ma doesn't bite, I promise!"

Which left Vera alone with Hamish.

The small skeleton quietly got the taller one a glass of water, and then eased herself shakily down into one of the dining room chairs. She was only fifteen years older than him- but the life of a rancher’s widow was hard on one’s body. She’d wore down over the years, and was slowing down more and more. Her mind was quick as ever, however, and her gaze was assessing as she looked at him, and slid the glass of water across the table, motioning for him to have a seat. “So,” she hummed, “My baby girl’s gon’ be movin’ in with you.”

Hamish pulled a chair out and sat down. "Yeah… I dunno... I've never felt what I do for Skylar for any other girl I've ever met… havin’ her not around… hurts. I don't wanna be apart from her." He said, then lifted the glass to his mouth to take a sip then placed the glass down on the table. "I feel it even more now than I did before."

Vera arched her brow at him, and quirked a predatory grin. “Sounds like ya got a bad case o’ love there, Hamish. Now, I al’ ready asked m’ baby girl a lotta th’ questions I wanted t’ know. She wouldn’ be movin’ in with y’ if you weren’ treaten’ her right. You’da never seen her again.” She tells him in a matter of fact tone of voice. “I trust my daughter. She’s a smart girl. She’ll do right by you too.”

One of her short fingers tapped along the top of the table, and her eye lights stray behind her glasses, wandering down to his glass of water. “Hm… Somethin’ causin’ the more intense feelin’, I wonder?” She queries to him curiously, arching a thin brow.

Hamish could feel his cheeks getting even hotter. "Uh… It's just… After she left… to make the trip back here… just, ya know… realized I didn't wanna be apart that long again... is all, Ma'am." He said. He could feel a sweat building up under his hat.

“Mmm…” The brow slowly climbing up her face told of her skepticism. Vera hadn’t raised three boys- wasn’t still raising three boys- for nothing. Greg was an excellent liar, and had an excellent poker face. Hamish? Not so much with the poker face. She opened her mouth to speak again.

He was saved, however, by a bodacious beauty scooting into the kitchen, and peppering her mother’s cheeks with kisses. “Mama,” Skylar scolds, “What have you been doin’ ta Hamish?”

“Nothin, sweetheart, nothing,” Vera soothes, patting her hand gently. “Jus’ givin’ him the usual, y’know. Nothin’ too bad. Not like Adam usually is, an’ ya know tha’.”

She rolls her eye lights, presses a soft kiss to a much smaller skull, and nuzzles her softly. “Don’ I know it. Adam’s a lil’ shit, as much as I love him.” There was some worry in her eyes. “Speakin’ of. Mama- we need your help with something. There’s somethin’ we gotta tell ya’ first before we tell Adam an’ Greg- ‘cause you can’ rein both of them in better than I can, an’… well, I really dun’ wanna have t’ go dig up Hamish.”

“Like we had t’ dig up tha’ Russian lad tha’ dumped ya for ya’ senior prom?” Vera arches her brow. “Ya think it’d be tha’ bad?”

“Uhuh. Rather not have t’ do tha’ again.” Skylar nods. She shifts, and goes to take a seat with Hamish. She scoots into the chair next to him, and wiggles her hand into his, lacing her fingers with his. She glances to him and gives him a smile.

Hamish could feel it, there was sweat dripping down his face now. What was her mother going to think… they weren't married... that hadn't been together that long. Would she disapprove of him, chase him out of the house and tell him to never come back, have her boys cut him up into little bits and scattered across their land never to be found. He swallowed hard, his hand squeezing Skylar’s slightly. "uh..."

Vera’s eyes tracked the nervous look on his face, and the determined look on her daughter’s. She wasn’t dumb. This was new behavior- her daughter hadn’t ever done this before. She took a moment to lean back in her chair and clean her glasses on her shirt. Let him sweat a little bit.

Yeah- it wasn’t traditional. Vera was big on tradition. But, she was getting older now- and she knew how hard it was to meet people. She’d been lucky to meet Terence. Skylar had met a lot of folks- but none of them had been ones she could stand. Neither could Vera.

“You’re pregnant, aren’t ya?” She questions as she tucks the glasses back onto her face. A tired smile tucks up her lips as Skylar’s hands tighten over Hamish’s fingers. “Oh, baby girl, I’m not mad that ya got pregnant. Things happen, sweetheart. Besides- ya wanted a baby, didn’t ya? Tha’s what matters.”

“Yeah, Ma, I am.” Skylar nods. “I do want it, ya, an’ so does Hamish… An’ you know how Adam is. It won’ matter tha’ Hamish an’ I both wan’ our baby… You’re… More mellow than ya used to be. He’s… He’s young yet. He’s not mellowed.”

“No, he isn’t.” Vera sighs softly. She scrubs a hand down her face, and then looks at Hamish. She points a finger at him, eyes glinting like ice. Her voice hardens, her gentle accent disappearing as she takes on a serious tone. “Now you seem like a nice man, and you seem to genuinely care for my baby girl. But. If you get cold feet later an’ abandon Skylar all alone in the middle of this while she’s pregnant, and the cops won’t find enough pieces of you for a funeral.”

There is a thump as Skylar kicks her mother gently from under the table. “Mama!” She scolds, horrified. “So much for mellow!”

“You’re my daughter.” Vera says simply, eyes firmly locked on Hamish. “When you’ve got one a’ your own, you’ll understand.” That saying could be applied to both of the younger skeletons sitting before her. “Tha’s just a promise of what can happen if he hurts ya, besides. Adam ain’t gonna threaten. He’s jus’ gonna do.”

Hamish swallowed hard and leant back in his chair slightly, glancing at Skylar. If this it the threat her mother made, what would her brother do? Hamish picked up his glass again and gulped it down, and then stood up nervously. "If you'd pardon me for a moment." He said, before shuffling off to the bathroom, pushing the door closed behind him and leaning on it, letting out a deep breath. He pushed off the door and stepped up to the toilet, lifting the seat and in-zipping his pants. He breathed out through his nose as he relieved himself.

Hamish got a few moments of silence to himself, before heavy steps sounded down the hall. The handle of the bathroom jiggled, and then opened without waiting to see if someone was inside- or even caring if the sound of someone using the toilet was audible. Greg stepped in, glanced at him nonchalantly while letting his eyes wander down and arching a brow thoughtfully at what he could see, and then stepped over to the bathroom counter to grab his deodorant and apply it. He whistled a merry tune.

Hamish jumped at the sound of the door swinging open and heavy boots stepping into the bathroom, he probably covered the toilet seat and part of the floor in piss. His face turned bring red as he glanced over his shoulder. "U-uh, pardon?" He said, forcing a smile.

“If ya sprinkle when ya tinkle, be a sweet-ie an’ wipe tha’ seat-ie~” Greg’s face slid into a crooked grin, orange eye lights peering at Hamish through the bathroom mirror. He slid a glob of chewing tobacco into his lower lip, and then turned on his heel, before padding out of the bathroom. He shut the door after him, and tapped on the edge of the doorway, speaking through the closed door to the man behind it. “F’r future reference, might wanna lock th’ door if ya wanna wee in peace. None o’ us remember t’ knock, an’ ya might give Ma a heart attack with th’ snake in yur pants there, bud.”

If his face wasn't red before it was now. "Ah...sorry, I'm not use to havin’ to lock doors." He said, giving himself a small shake to get any last drops out before he tucked himself back into his pants and started on wiping up the floors.

“Sky mentioned ya live all alone. Didn’ see any family when I was there.” Greg commented conversationally, glancing down the hall. He could hear his sister and mother talking in hushed voices about something, but had no idea what. “So s’pose that’d make sense. Hm. A’right. Well, I’ll letcha finish up y’business. Happy peein’, bud.”

His whistling picked up again, and he continued back down the hall towards the kitchen.

“Greg!” Vera’s voice floated out of the kitchen and down the hall, loud and irritated at her middle son. “What ‘ave I said about that gunk in your lip?”

“Not t’ do it in th’ house.”

“An’ where are you?”

“In th’ house.”

“So go spit it out!”

“Yes, Ma. By the way, sis, I approve. I don’ gotta tease him like I did Tiny Tim.”

Having cleaned up his mess, Hamish flushed the toilet and washed his hands, checked himself over in the mirror then left the bathroom, returning to the kitchen. "Sorry about that." He said and sat back down.

The kitchen was fuller than when he’d left. The boys had come in, obviously since his bathroom break had been invaded by one of them. Adam stood at the counter, tall form expertly dishing out glasses of sweet iced tea for his siblings and his mother. The tall man hunched over to put the pitcher back into the fridge, and then put the glasses on the table, putting an affectionate kiss on his mother’s skull, before sitting next to her.

The massive skeleton dwarfed her.

Greg sat on her other side, and took a sip from the tea that his brother placed before him. He arched his brow at Hamish, orange eyes half lidded and amused.

Vera gave Hamish a warm grin, any trace of her previous threat gone. “S’all right, sweetheart. Meeting ya girl’s Ma’ for the firs’ time can’ be overwhelmin’ an’ I did kinda steal ya’ away after a long car ride withou’ lettin’ ya relieve yaself first.”

Skylar gave him a smile, and wiggled her fingers at him as she took a sip of her iced tea. She shifted in her seat, crossing her legs. “Ma and I talked some,” She said, “we’re all okay, sugar.” Meaning, she was okay with the baby, and okay with him.

Hamish let out a relieved sigh and he placed his hand over hers and smiled. Now all they had to do was dread her brother’s reaction.

Skylar laced her fingers with his, and squeezed lightly, giving him a warm smile.

“So, wha’s all this about?” Adam questioned, pointing his finger at the table in general. “We don’ usually gather like this unless ‘s a meal. So… what’s goin’ on? We should be movin’ Sis’ stuff, ya?”

“Well,” Skylar started awkwardly, shifting in her seat under her younger brother’s dark gaze, “Hamish an’ I got some news. We’re, uh… Well…” She glanced to Hamish, and nodded, motioning for him to speak up.

His brows raised and again the sweat started, her brothers where probably a lot stronger than he was, probably faster too. He glanced back to Skylar, and then sighed. He would deal with his fate. "We’re... having a baby." He said, his voice cracking slightly.

Greg just seemed to nod, sighing like he seemed to have suspected this. “Cool. Gonna be an’ Uncle.”

Adam on the other hand inhaled his tea. He took a moment to cough, and clear his throat, before dark eyes fixated on the couple in front of him. He swallowed, and then cleared his throat again. “Pardon?”

“We’re having a baby.” Skylar said again, fingers dropping down to her belly. “I’m pregnant.” She said.

The glass cracked in Adam’s fingers, leaking tea along the new chip in the rim, and he hurried to set it down before he could shatter it. A rumble rolled through his chest, and his lip curled back over sharp teeth. He rose out of his chair, though Vera’s hand on his belt loop kept him from lunging across the table. “You ain’t even known this man for more than’ a couple a’ weeks, Sky. Ya ain’t even married an ya havin’ a baby? You- You,” He pointed a large finger at Hamish, “got my sister pregnant?”

“Adam…” Skylar said, a warning rising in her tone as she tensed in her chair. “The baby was an accident. But, we still want the baby.”

Hamish stood up and stepped back slightly. "L-look mate, I ain't got no bad intentions. I don't plan to run off and leave her with a baby or nothin'." He said, holding his hands up in defense.

Adam seemed to focus in on Hamish since the man had stepped away from his sister, and that seemed to be not the best thing to do.

Greg discretely scooted the table a little out of the way, a grin growing on his face.

Vera eased out of her chair. “Adam.” Her voice was firm. “You leave him alone.”

Adam didn’t seem to hear her. The big man looked remarkably like a mad bull about to charge. His feet shifted, boots scuffing slightly as his legs tensed. “You don’ even really know Sky. You say tha’ now, but couple months down th’ road, you’ll decide you don’ like her, and she’ll be haulin’ her stuff back here, an’ saddled with a baby all on her own. No one plans to do nothing,” he hisses.

Skylar eased out of her seat, keeping her eyes on her short-tempered brother. She motions to Greg for him to get up too. Adam was known for having a short temper when it came to his siblings- part of his relative youth- and they didn’t have Tommy here to help bring him down. It’d be up to her and Greg if shit got out of hand. “Hamish isn’t gonna do that, Adam.”

Adam took a step forwards.

“Adam.”

Adam took another.

Hamish stood his ground, he shivered and glanced at Skylar. 'what do I do?' he mouthed to her, keeping his eyes on her giant brother.

Skylar didn’t have to make the decision- Adam made it for her. He pushed off, lurching out of his mother’s grasp with a snarl. His shoulders lowered, bringing him down more to Hamish’s height, and putting Adam’s short but sharp horns suddenly at the shorter man’s height.

She shoved Hamish out the door of the kitchen, and blocked the doorway. “Run, Haz!”

Skylar lowered her own skull, placing herself between Hamish and her brother as Greg lunged after Adam, and met his charge with her own, bracing her arms on the doorway. There was a thunderous clash, as Skylar’s horns locked around her brother’s skull, his smaller ones grating over her skull.

Hamish might have understood then how she’d have survived locking horns with an actual bull, walking away with only a crack and a story to tell- his woman was built sturdy as hell even if she didn’t look it, thanks to the genetics that gave her the curling horns on her skull

The doorframe creaked and groaned, wood sounding like it wanted to splinter and crack while her arms were straining- but she and the doorframe held up. Just barely. Adam didn’t have the room in the kitchen to build up momentum. If he had, he’d have probably gone right over top of his sister.

“Adam!” Skylar spoke quickly as Greg looped his arms around his brother’s middle, holding him firm and keeping him from pushing against her more. “Adam, go take a fuckin’ ride and cool off. Goin’ after Hamish is not alright. You are not my Da and you are not my big brother- you are my little brother. An’ if you’re gonna be a dick, I’ll hogtie your ass an’ leave you out in the barn all night until you’ve had time to think about it. Tha’s the father of my baby- if you’ve got a problem with it, buck the fuck up and deal with it. I’m not gonna let you hurt him.”

“Your sister’s right.” Vera slipped under the skeleton blockade, and gave her youngest son a disappointed look. “Go for a ride and cool your head. It might not be traditional, an’ he might not be marrying her, but a baby is a baby, and it’s a good thing.”

His sister’s skull seemed to be harder than his. It seemed to have knocked him for a loop, and it took Adam a moment to register the words being said to him. “But- wha- No, I mean- But Ma!”

“No. Go cool off. Think about it. You could have hurt your sister and the baby. Your niece or nephew, Adam. You charged her an’ Hamish.” Vera gave her Son a no nonsense look, and pointed to the opposite end of the house, away from Hamish. She kept herself between her son and Hamish still, not trusting his temper. “Get.”

Adam shot Hamish a look over top of everyone, but seemed to deflate. He sucked in a breath, and shook off his siblings with ease, before stalking away.

Skylar let out a shaky breath, and cradled her skull with a wince. Well, her skull was ringing. She glanced back to Hamish and gave him a concerned look over. “Are you okay? I didn’t shove you too hard, did I?”

Hamish stumbled back, pressing himself against a wall ready to run for his life if he needed to, watching Skylar lock horns with her brother, handling all his strength with what seemed almost like ease made his cheeks warm, she was incredible. He wanted his baby to be just like her. He took a deep breath when Adam finally left the room. "Am I okay? Are you okay?!" He said, stepping over to her, placing a hand on her belly first before pulling her into a hug.

“My head hurts,” She admits, letting him check over her belly a bit, before looping her arms around his neck. Skylar nuzzles into him shakily, and sighs. “Adam has a hard head, an’ he smacked my crack pretty good. But I’ve got a hard head too.” Her fingers trail up, and she cups his cheeks, checking him over firmly. Then, Skylar kisses him, and rests her forehead against his. “I’m just glad Greg an’ I managed to stop him.”

“Once Adam gets goin, it needs damn near an act of god t’ slow him down.” Greg gave a snort, and leaned down to press a kiss to his Mother’s head.

Vera just sighs, and pats her middle child’s hand, before going back into the kitchen.

Hamish let out a shaky breath. "damn...and I thought your brother was big and scary before." he said with a small laugh. He kissed Skylar’s forehead between her horns. "Anyway, we should sort out what you wanna take back to my place so we can get it into my truck. I might need Greg to help me with any heavy stuff."

The kiss makes her skull twinge, but she accepts it none the less, closing her sockets with a warm sound and an affectionate look towards Hamish. The crack would be tender for a couple of days- it always was after she smacked it good on something. Such was the nature of those types of scars, unfortunately. At least Hamish didn't seem to be bothered by it. "Adam isn't a bad man," she says softly, "he's jus'... Protective and hot headed when it comes to his siblings. Ah... Well, I've only got my guitar, dressers, 'n my clothes, I guess. I can help move those."

Greg sighs softly, and rolls his eyes lights, looking exasperated. "The hell you can. Those dressers are solid oak, n' weigh more than both of us together. Ya ain't movin' it with a baby on th' way, even if you could before ya were knocked up. Hamish 'n I can get them. You can get the clothes and your... Things."

Skylar turned to regard her brother and puffed air through her teeth indignantly, blushing faintly at his reference. "I'm pregnant, not useless. I can help shove a dresser to the stairs. Between the three of us, we can manage to scoot it easier. You two can do the lifting down the stairs- but shoving stuff shouldn't hurt it... I wouldn't think?"

The baby had survived her clashing skulls and locking horns with Adam.

Hamish smiled and gave Skylar’s bum a gentle pat, turning to her room. He started with the guitar taking it down and laying it safely across the back seats of his truck. He jogged back up and started opening Skylar’s drawers. "Your not fussy right? We can just shove this all in the bags to get it there, and then sort it out neat when we get home." He asked.

Skylar didn't really get the chance to answer, before he opened up her sock drawer, and hundreds of lacy, frilly, and colorful socks were on display for him, her, and her brother. She flushed. Brightly. And gently leaned over to close it. If he hadn't looked closely, it might have just passed for a lingerie drawer, and not a sexy sock drawer. She was embarrassed about them, and liking to wear them. "Might not wanna go flashing those around, Haz. But uh, otherwise no, I'm not fussy."

Greg just snorts, and tugs out one of her bra drawers, and dumps it into a bag. "Egh, least m' not gonna find anymore o' your gross girly stuff mixed in with m' wash. Hamish gets t' deal with your weird likes now."

Hamish had frozen up slightly. His face tinted red as he realized his mistake, sure he was having her move in with him and she was pregnant with his baby… but it was horribly rude for him to open her draws without making sure it was okay... and were those socks… multiple pairs of colorful, lacy, sexy socks? He swallowed and rubbed the back of his neck. "U-uh."

Skylar bumped her hip to his, her face flushing brighter. "'S alright, Haz. I'm jus' a lil... Shy about what's in the drawer."

"S' weird." Greg snorts.

"And you can see why." She sighs. Skylar leans up and kissed his cheek, before fiddling with the handle. "I'll show ya later, I promise."

"Save me th' sordid details of my sister's sex life. Blech." The bag of bras was flung at Hamish. "Here. Handle putting m' sisters underpants away into the bag. Three drawers down an' to th' left." And Greg, the sneaky bastard, quietly let slip that yes, that had not been an underpants drawer. That had been a sock drawer.

#Skylar #Hamish #Character Plot

1 note · View note

talldarknsexy · 5 years

Text

Snippets from Turkey

Because of the irregular offseason Cyprus ferry schedule, the first day in Turkey I had to ride 160km to meet Freddy the next morning. It was hilly and slow with a headwind. Midday though I got lucky and was invited over by a trucker who wanted to share his lunch with me. I was able to work out that he was headed partway in my direction, so I explained my situation. We hoisted my bike up and I got a lift for about 70km. He was a good guy, put up with my shitty Turkish, but was fairly put off when I tried to get into the cab before taking my shoes off. The next day I went to surprise Freddy at the airport. There was no sign of him there and looking at the clock, I realized my phone was still on Turkish/Cyprus time and I was an hour late. I panicked and looked around for him for a good hour. There was a guy selling pretzels at the exit gate that claimed to see him, but I couldn't understand his response. I had him type something into google translate that was so misspelled, not one word of it got interpreted. Eventually we both found wifi and he was in fact still there at the other side of the airport. He'd gotten two hours of sleep and on his connecting flight and started to nod off while the plane taxied. The Turkish woman sitting adjacent to him apparently had never flown before and jolted him awake in a petrified panic by clasping his arm during takeoff. Freddy sat there wide eyed as she didn't let go for the duration of the flight. Just 8km out from the airport, a cycletourist approached us from behind. Kemal was a 60 something Turkish guy and had biked some 50,000km through 70 countries. It was a splendid and crazy coincidence meeting him then and there as we did not see another for the next 10 days. He was headed to Cappadocia as well, but a different off highway, sometimes off-road route, but Freddy and I didn't hesitate. Kemal had studied and lived in Germany for several years in the 80's and spoke expert German, but very little English. Most of what I understood was trying to follow their German or having Freddy translate. In fact, though I'd been trying to practice Turkish, I was to be learning much more in German in the following days. We went first to a waterfall in Tarsus, a city I'd already ridden past the day before. We visited a beautiful and ancient mosque, got SIM cards, and visited a waterfall. The waterfall was about 1 meter high, by the side of the road, and fairly unimpressive. As we were leaving, someone approached and said something to Kemal. We went around the corner and came upon the actual waterfall- candy blue cascading water and very peaceful atmosphere surrounded by trees. These were all things we would have surely missed had we not ridden with him. And lastly, before leaving the city, we went and had kebab and tea with some of his friends at their electrical substation before leaving town. The first of many gestures of hospitality yet to come across in Turkey. We got some beer for camp in a park that night and Kemal surprised us once again by busting out two plastic water bottles of homemade schnapps. It was mostly odorless, but Kemal warned us: "POWER" he said. We either didn't understand or just chose not to listen because I don't remember a whole lot. Apparently I fell off the bench not once, but three times from laughing so hard. And there's a few videos of us on the roof of the campsite drinking an airplane nip bottle of baileys for our friend Pete that had given them to us over a year ago in Paraguay. I'd been carrying it as my "emergency liquor" over two continents, many mountains, and countries where it would be contraband. There, certainly wasn't an emergency, but it felt fitting and special at the time. "Pete, come visit us in Turkey" Freddy slurred into my phone. "I think we're in Turkey..." In the middle of the night, a big storm rolled through. The spot where we had pitched out tents became quickly flooded by a few centimeters of water. I woke up on top of the picnic bench, underneath the roof. Freddy was more or less floating around on his air mattress inside his tent. That next morning was rough, but we went to check out the two cave systems there. The second of which was immense. It was free to enter as it was offseason, and it was several stories walk down with the most impressive display of stalagmites and stalagmites I'd ever seen. We didn't really get riding until around noon, which was maybe for the best because Freddy and I were in a sorry state. And, perhaps fortunately, Kemal had a heavy bike and 25 years on us. He also stopped at many opportunities to stop people and ask for advice and directions. He was perfectly capable of navigating on his phone, but I'd like to think he just liked connecting with people. It was also nice for us, because it warranted many invitations to sit down for tea. The next few days are kinda hard to differentiate, perhaps from all the homemade schnapps, but mostly because we saw a lot. We visited an old German bridge, went swimming in canyons, visited waterfalls, etc... We camped by an old German military site, we slept inside a prayer room, we camped next to a waterfall, we camped at 1,200m in an old abandoned Turkish military base, we camped on a village's soccer field, we camped next to a nature reserve, and finally, we camped in Cappadocia and woke up to the balloons. All of this bore unique experiences. At the German military base, Kemal picked some local herbs to put in our pasta sauce. "Ist gud fer bumsin!" He claimed. Not something we really needed in rural Turkey though. The kebab guy who let us sleep in the village's prayer room also entertained us in his small roadside restaurant. In Turkey, drinking alcohol can be somewhat taboo. This older, wasted guy asked Freddy if he drinks beer. He got excited upon realizing Freddy, a young, GERMAN foreigner indeed does... He led him over to his beer stashed behind a curtain and proceeded to proudly chug the entire remainder of the beer right in front of him... One day on the road we stopped into a kebab shop to get lunch. There was a guy working there that was as tall as I, but super muscular and strong. Kemal apparently complimented him and said that's impressive for him and it's good that he's not fat from being breastfed until age 8 like him 😂. One of the other guys also genuinely offered to run home to get me a set of his pants as mine were in tatters. At a fuel station we were served chai by a woman there. Kemal told us that she'd referred to (somewhat pale) Freddy as our "yellow-cock-friend." We'd been offered so much damn chai in fact that one day Freddy was starting to be convinced that he had gotten a bladder infection as he'd have to stop to pee every half hour. Most of the time we were mingling with men however. In Rural turkey women tend more to be at home. At one fuel station chai stop we were hanging with some truckers and a guy driving with his dog "Princess." None of them spoke but a word of English, but the fucking dog was named princess! Anyways, princess was a spoiled little bitch and his owner had let it out of hot car in the sun to try and feed her (which she refused) and run around. When he drove off, Freddy pointed out in shock, that he'd had his wife waiting in the passengers seat. Another time on the road, there was a child that picked up a rock from a distance. I told Freddy I'm hypersensitive to this after Ethiopia but jokingly told him he probably just picked it up to throw at his sister or something. We rounded the corner to watch him, in fact, hurl it right at his sister. At the abandoned Turkish military base even the locals in the village nearby that gave us permission told us we were idiots as it was to be well below freezing that night. After we set up camp, even a little girl told Freddy in English that we should go try at her grandmothers because it was cold and she was frightened by wolves nearby. Anyways, we slept inside the derelict base and had our regular routine of pasta and schnapps trinkin. I'm usually religious on washing, but the next morning checked which socks of mine didn't smell. I think the human brain sometimes substitutes other perceptions of reality for things it knows your conscience can't handle. This can be the case with certain traumas. Anyways... They all smelled like pizza. I went outside after sunrise because I had to race like a shit horse and struggled to dig far into the still frozen ground. Back inside, bottle washing my hands inside the dilapidated base's abandoned restroom, I caught a glimpse of myself in the cracked mirror. Through the cracks and the cold condensation from my breath I could make out myself. 28, cold, unshaven, and unshowered for over a week. (And not to mention jobless, careless, single, and homeless.) Exasperated by a foggy, early morning state of homemade schnapps, a moment of reckoning and deep introspection was upon me. The morning we woke up in Cappadocia was pretty surreal. We woke up to a sky humming and filled with hot air balloons. I'd drunkenly told Freddy that night before that if there were balloons in our location that I'd save the last beer for the morning and I must say, at 7am, it kicked my ass. I counted out loud the balloons in the sky at that time and reported to Freddy that there were exactly 99. This sounded familiar... And being that 99 Red Balloons is in fact originally a German song, the absurdity was not lost on Freddy. We spent that morning ecstatic and partially drunk while we watched the balloons and made a big breakfast. After awhile I had to use the facilities and squatted in some brush in a valley hidden from view. I'd used the last of my wet wipes as we'd been too focused on buying bootleg schnapps in the small towns rather than things like tp or toothpaste... Anyways, I walked back to camp and found Freddy laughing hysterically while Kemal was talking to him with a look of shame and innocence on his face. Apparently, he'd needed the last of those wet wipes as he'd tried to do the same into a plastic bag in his tent because he was scared of balloons seeing him overhead and experienced what I understood as "handishizer..." Accordingly, that day we booked a hostel near Cappadocia and had our first shower after 10 days. It was well earned. We also used a proper washing machine. In Cappadocia we explored the castle, but found much more joy in exploring the hillside of uninhabited ancient underground cities. They're carved through the rock outcrops and have hosted civilization through many layers of history. After Cappadocia we rode through some more ancient sites and camped in a park outside the city. It had been so cold that day that I was cycling in 4 upper layers and jeans as my other pants had finally let go. That night was even colder. It got well below freezing. We had a fire and shared a tent. The police even came by to check to make sure we were okay. That next morning Kemal had to split off to head off towards the Black Sea coast and we were on course to Ankara and well behind schedule. It was a quick goodbye, but we sure did miss the old, silly bastard and he'd treated us to some amazing times and genuine local experiences. I'd often hear him refer to us as Coçuk, referring to us as his kids. Up next was 3 days of road riding into the capital city of Ankara. The first day was pretty rural and scenic. We were in search of a restaurant and I went to use my Turkish one of the first few times. The guy looked at me asked if we spoke German... In perfect German. This was a very humbling and recurring theme. We did find a place to eat in a village and an overly excitable local upon spotting us, solicited Freddy into his car to drive home for him to help lift and position a metal door. The ride into Ankara was a doozy. We finally made it and spent an afternoon/evening with my friend Pelin, an interesting Turkish gal, whom I'd met in Ecuador. She made some badass fried chicken and we went out for a beer. Since Freddy was running short on time, we opted to hitchhike to Istanbul. We rode over 30km out of this massive city to try and find a ride. Many people were super friendly and enthusiastic but didn't seem to get the idea of hitchhiking, especially with bikes. A guy in a BMW SUV pulled over to talk. He was headed to Istanbul but I indicated the bikes probably wouldn't fit. In Turkish/English he was still enthused and kept showing me pictures of it on Instagram. I added me on Instagram and he repeated how many horsepower it had... 300 horsepower. I checked later and I think he even rescinded following me... Just wanted to stop to show off his nice ride 😂 Now bear in mind that I'd corrected Freddy's spelling to say "Instanbul"... It took an hour before he realized my mistake. Anyways, after another almost 3 hours of this, we very angrily decided we had no other option than to ride 20km back into the city center to take a bus. We arrived to Istanbul at 1am and built the bikes in some cold rain. At least 20km away from any hostel and so set off to try and find a guesthouse. Aside from very expensive hotels, these aren't super easy to come by in Turkey, but I asked at an open kebab shop and we happened to get very lucky. It was about 3am when we crashed. We rode into the tourist district of the city the next day and spent 2 days playing tourist. Istanbul was a crazy cool city with some very profound history and layered cultures. One day, on our bikes, Freddy bought us bananas and we passed some coins back and forth so I could split the small price. A local getting into his motorcycle saw this and handed Freddy a 20 Lira bill. He confusedly thanked him as he was taking off on his motorcycle. A local had just given us money... After exploring the city, we once again took a bus to Sofia in Bulgaristan as it was referred to there. I'm obviously not one for taking buses, but we were short on time, and you could easily spend two days just riding through the sprawling metropolis of over 15 million fricking people. Getting bikes on a bus is often a fiasco. This time they demanded we tear down the bike almost entirely. I did the wheels, panniers, etc... But the seatpost has been galvanically seized into the seat tube since Panama and there's probably no getting it out without an industrial solvent and pry-bar. Now, aside from telling him the equivalent of "not possible," I was having a bit of trouble communicating this to the driver that was yelling at me that the bike would stay in Istanbul if I didn't lower the seat. Eventually I took off the bars and was able to fit it where he'd wanted. We took the bus across the border which was a new one for me on a bus. We were herded through the immigration corrals just as I'd always witnessed others doing. The interesting bit, tho was watching the driver and conductor giving a bunch of "favors" to the immigration officials... Not sure what were in the packages we were transporting below, but the officials got some gifts of what appeared to be coffee, tea, and cups. Sofia was cool. I had a strong suggestion on a hostel as it was the cheapest, not the biggest, and decent reviews. We got in around 2 am and found the hostel door open. Not wanting to wake anyone up and not sure there was anyone working, we peeped into the rooms and found 2 open beds. Around this time, anyways, Alex, the owner woke up and considerately checked us in. We did a walking tour, partied, and saw the sites. The hostel was fucking weird though. Apparently the cheapest hostel in Sofia, Bulgaria attracts some weirdos... It was the strangest collection of people I'd ever encountered. An Asian lady that never stopped talking, a homeless guy that couldn't finish full sentences, some drug addicts, and an American sex tourist to name a few. Freddy and I noted this and he decided it was best he go lock his belongings. They had only been un-watched for about an hour, but the €90 he had at the bottom of his bag was already gone. We searched, questioned, and the management helped. But Freddy and I came to the agreement that there was no getting that money back... Everyone was equally a sketchy suspect. Anyways, we still managed to enjoy Sofia and discovered some illegal underground speakeasies that were plenty fun. Also, you could get 2l of beer at a supermarket for only $2. Suffice to say we enjoyed ourselves. Freddy did indeed make his 3am flight. But not after disappearing for a bit in the early morning only for me to find him passed out on the toilet.

0 notes

blondfishbish · 7 years

Text

Weird Shit My Friends Have Said With Zero Context

"You are an in innocent little slut." "Dab party." "Sloth-looking uniboob bitch." "I am the housewife, fuck." "My precious child, Satan." "Bow before my technology." "See, I didn't think about that because I am inconsiderate." "I'm just trying to show that I'm interested even though I'm not." "There are no stars-" "Because they're all in your eyes." "Gay." "How the hell did you get off to a bad start with the neighbors?" "They're aliens I swear." "I look like a discount Harry Potter." "Twas pretty gooch." "I am a bad millennial." "Trust no one but have fun." "I don't mean to be the mom friend yes I do." "Please don't bring the Kardashians into my classroom, they shouldn't exist." "This is a Möbius strip of fuckitude." "I just work here." "Entirely my fault but that does not mean I won't fuck up again." "I think I pretty much am a golden retriever." "Where do you sleep?" "There's a fridge." "I'm gonna drop it -five.... four... three... two... one." "Reflexes like a cat." "She gave you a count down." "They're kinda fucked up in the head so they named him George." "Hold onto your gravy, it's gonna be a bumpy ride." "One two three four, I declare a thumb war." "It's not a war if I submit." "My choices are poor and my wallet is poorer." "I enjoy the name 'Poog.'" "How about you drink a nice tall glass of shut the hell up." "This bitch just called me an ogre." "Where do you think I get my peanut brittle from?" "A dead guy." "I'm always mad. I'm a tiny little ball angry." "Yellow." "Blue -what are we doing." "What'd you say? Debbie Dick? Who's Debbie?" "There's a demon in you." "Yeah, I named him Hector." "High school puppy love." "Puppies?" "That is a very tall and skinny child." "I've seen taller and skinnier." "You are a worldly child." "Fuck, she's dead." "Why does it say blue?" "It's -its blue." "I'm not her keeper." "You're her mother." "So?" "Why do I jump straight to putting people in graves." "My milkshake needs to bring all the boys to the yard." "But I'm lactose intolerant." "I knew it was a bad idea but I did it anyways. You know why? Because I don't care." "I don't want to be over the hill, I want to be under it. Bury me already." "I want donuts." "You know what, Emily? You don't get fucking donuts." "You're my donut." "Thanks man." "What's your character?" "I don't know, black?" "I have a knack for order of operations." "Here's the thing: we have a lot of oreos." "Who even is this guy?" "Don't you fuckin' wink at me you bitch." "I want my skin to feel as if it's on fire." "I'm upsetti spaghetti." "That's my favorite meal." "I am the spawn point." "Saying that I woke up early implies that I went to sleep, which would be incorrect." "Fuck me up with a chicken stick." "I know you're an asshole, but try to be less of an asshole." "Nick is Arabic for dick." "Actually I'm pretty sure dick is Arabic for dick." "Guys, don't try to confuse me it's too easy." "I fixed my syntax you bitch." "Who cares, life is pointless." "I guess you've never seen the original Icelandic play, but he's actually a blue elf." "Is this you telling me you're gonna slit my throat again because that wasn't appreciated the first time around." "I never want to see you again." "Then gouge your fucking eyes out." "I dab unironically." "I'm going to injure you." "What?" "I'm going to injure you." "You're going to eat me?" "No." "What'd you say?" "I said I'm going to injure you." "How?" "Violently." "Everything went black." "Racist." "Did you just assume that all black people are bad?" "No, I assumed that all black people are black." "You whore." "I'll attach mine back on." "That's really creepy." "What the fuck do I give about a salad." "Never mind, this is Ben, the fuck up." "You have a great face for drag." "Do you know what cookie it was? It tastes like a snickerdoodle." "Then was it maybe a fucking snickerdoodle?" "I'm trying to be fancy and you're on me." "She just wants to feel close to you." "Yeah, well feel close to me somewhere else." "Is he cute?" "No, he's white." "I have a mind like a steel trap; a steel trap corroded by time and weather." "Is that a unit of measure?" "No, that's a unit of fuck you." "You whore." "Actually, the proper term is prostitute." "But you don't get paid." "Do I need to?" "Dude, you just kicked her in the wrist." "I used to win burping contests all the time in middle school." "That is the nerdiest thing I have ever heard." "What? I was short and chubby and I wasn't particularly good at anything." "Hey, you've got shit coming out of you." "I dropped my phone on the most significant part of my pinky toe." "Am I the only one not wearing pants?" "Someone undress me." "I'm coming in hot, Bean." "I am a bad habit." "Give me your nipple." "If you get to cheat on me, I get to pinch your nipple." "Those hamsters are not having a good time." "Who even likes oats -oh. Dragons." "Why is he wearing shorts?" "He defies the gods." "He's gay. The gods don't want him." "Are you a whale or a bird?" "... I'm a dolphin." "I punched a cup." "Why do you... why do you have a cactus?" "Because I'm Mexican and we eat cactuses." "I promptly prescribe my biggest fuck you in the ass to be taken immediately." "Ow, that would be painful." "Wow, it's almost like it's a fucking knife." "Your ass. Do with it what you will." "It's a reminder not to do bad things and then I do bad things while looking at it and feel guilty." "No, officer, I do not have a burger in my purse." "I know my limits but I do not adhere to them." "We're here, we're queer, and we're just gonna go play some video games." "Fuck home, let's go to Mount Scott." "What?" "Huh? Nothing." "Jenesais pa." "Pa." "I'm always a slut for nuggies." "Ye." "I'm gonna get to go home and you -we don't know what's going to happen to you but we're going to assume it's bad." "Your shadow is suspicious." "You drive with your feet and while looking at your phone." "So? I don't see a problem with that." "Were you throwing my own Cheetos at me?" "Great, now I have peanut butter in my wound." "We can't have a soup party, Jenna." "When's our friendaversary?" "We don't have one, fuck you." "Who the fuck let the cows out." "Do you have your socks on? Because I'm about to knock them off." "It's like they literally want me to crush their body with my car." "If you're gonna rearend my car then just end me." "I don't even have pockets." "You're wearing cargo pants." "Shut up." "That was a lot of thrusting." "This is a sleepy bean. They're rare and I caught one." "Did you just refer to your vagina as Sadness and Despair." "You keep hitting me in the nose." "That's because your nose is huge." "You're such a grouchy old man." "Yes. I've been practicing." "I pledge allegiance to the flag of rock." "I am a rabbit punch." "Peanut butter is a natural ointment." "That's the wrong animal." "Peanut butter's not even an animal." "Yes." "Too many skeletons, too many closets, and I don't know where they all are." "I just burped up apples, I'm a fucking unicorn." "There's a McDonalds statue." "Otherwise known as our god." "You got chicken in my purse." "I think I just twisted my ankle galloping in here like a knight on a white horse." "What are you doing?" "I think I broke a nail." "Okay? But why are you holding onto me?" "I need balance." "Never have I ever fought a child." "You're about to." "You just head butted my Pokéball." "Fuck, man, I was sniffing that." "I'm too small to be filled with this much rage." "It's not polite to be a little bitch either, y'know, but here you are." "Is it hazing?" "No, it's friendship." "I have no clue how to start anything but fires and fistfights." "Where are we going?" "You know, if I knew I would tell you." "Tyler, I'm sorry." "Apologize later when I'll forgive you." "Can I get back on the bench? I've got one butt cheek off." "Why are you guys such nerds? " "Why are you such a fucking dick?" "I dunno know, daddy issues?" "How about you eat my ass -wait no, that's weird. How about you eat your own ass." "Hey guess what, dumbass? My car smells like fucking chicken." "You know she smokes cigarettes with eyebrows like that." "You're our teacher." "Okay, listen up assholes." "You -I -huegh." "He's like the height of chewbacca." "I'm being a desperate penis, okay?" "If she wants to be a murderer..." "You don't have any friends here, everyone wants to either see you beat or leave." "You're gonna get fucked by splooge that's disgusting." "You made a cake for yourself?" "Yeah, it's called being lonely." "He did not calculate the trajectory of how he was going to eat shit." "I don't pray." "To Lima beans yes you do." "Shut up, I'm praying to the good lord Lima Bean." "It's because of my scintillating conversation topics." "Ew I don't like that word, don't say that ever again." "... conversation?" "I didn't water my parsley! I'm upset." "We express things differently in Bean Town." "The squirrel thought your throw was embarrassing." "Moral of the story: finish making your Mac and Cheese, don't hide in the corner, the Babadook isn't real, don't watch the fuckin movie." "Did you just backhand a balloon?" "Karma doesn't exist, life just sucks." "In spirit I am a Great Dane. And you are a chihuahua." "Is that an onion?" "Yep." "Okay." "My stripper name is Borris." "That's like cheetahs without legs." "Why would you want a fish? They can't even talk." "I think you scuffed my loafers." "Somewhere in the two and a half hour movie, I'm gonna have to pee." "Weak." "I'm old and have the bladder of a small child. I make no excuses." "Trust me, if my expectations were any lower we'd all need to be worried about a serious self-esteem issue."

0 notes

chulochingoncomelon · 7 years

Text

Fecal Incontinence

Going into our Senior year, Kyle was captain of the hockey team, I was captain of the rugby team, Megs and Josh were first chairs in band, and Charlie was our buddy. Charlie, we found out through high school, was the son of a trucker. Thats why when he was bored, he would always act like he was driving a truck and shifting gears. He didn’t have a lot of money, but he was the best of guys, and one of my best friends. If someone joked about his appearance, or his deep southern draw, Kyle and I made sure they never laughed in his direction again. At Prom last year, Kyle and I split the costs to make sure Charlie got to go. This year, Charlie would save our asses.

It was after one of the final football games of the year. Our team was the worst as usual, but that didn’t stop us from celebrating a minor loss. We only lost by two touchdowns. Kyle and I “acquired” a twenty-four pack of Natural Lite, Nattie for short. I drove an old, beat up, 1984 beamer. Red. It was built like a tank. But, what I loved most, is the fact we could keep a cooler full of beer in the trunk and all I had to do was pull down the armrest in the back, and it would open right into the trunk. Perfect.

After the game, Kyle, Charlie, and I were waiting on Josh. While we were waiting by the band room I hear a tap on Kyle’s window. Kyle, sitting shotgun, looked over and saw Mr Adelot. Yes, Craig’s father. Along with his social awkwardness, Craig was also the son of the band teacher. Kyle slowly rolled down his window.

“Hey gentlemen,” Mr. A said in his stuck up, nasally voice, “what are you four doing tonight” “Four,” I ask. “Yes four. You, Mr. Kyle, Mr. Charles, and Mr. Joshua.” I always hated when he used our names like that. “Every Friday, you four get together and drive like a few hooligans when you leave here, and was wondering what you are doing.”

“Well, sir,” i stammered, “we usually just drive around, head to the movies, or go to a little get together, is that a problem?”

“Oh, of course not,” he sheepishly grinned, “ just wanted to know what my son would be getting into with you boys tonight.”

“Your son?” We all said darting looks around each other, confused as hell.

“Well, of course, my son, Craig. He was so excited when I mentioned that you wanted him to join your group tonight. Here Craig,” he reached over and opened the passenger door, “now don’t be out too late and have fun.”

Craig slowly appeared from behind his father, grinning. As his father leaves, we are just staring at him. Josh hops over, sees Craig and asked, “What the fuck you doing here ate-a-lot,” and sits down in the back seat in the already opened door. Charlie reaches over and punches him in the left arm, telling him to be nice.

“He’s apparently joining us tonight, per his dad, so shut up and let him in” I said shaking my head in disbelief. Josh got out of the car, pointed to the middle seat, and said harshly “get in, lots”.

Craig got in the car and immediately started chatting. That nervous chatter where you don’t breath you just talk to have some kinda of noise. We screeched out of the parking lot, and about two blocks down the road, I slammed on the breaks and pulled over. I turned around staring at Craig and said. “Plead, just shut the fuck up, Craig. Do not speak. Do not think. Do not waste my oxygen. I don’t know why you are here but we are stuck with each other for the night. All five of us. You will not speak a word about our antics, to anyone. Now, since you are in the middle seat, you are responsible for our beer. If someone is getting low, your only job is to pass them a fresh beer from the back. K?”

He nodded nervously, but I knew he was happy just to not have to spend another night listening to Bach or Chopin. So we left and started drinking. All was going good as we drove around, when all of a sudden, Craig says, “um guys, how long are we gonna continue to drive with these cops behind us?” I look in my review mirror and see three cops with lights blaring. How I did'nt notice, I have no clue, but there they were. Oh shit. I see the school up ahead and pull into the band parking lot. We called it that because it rested beside the band room entrance that lead to the rest of the school.

we pull in. The three cop cars pull in around us and all three drivers hop out with guns drawn. I, stupidly, hopped out with hands up in the air. Before I could say anything, I hear, in a familiar voice, “Drew? Is that you?” It was my neighbor, and fortunately a police officer. “What the hell are you boys doing?” He then turned to the other two cops and told them it was ok, that he had it from here. He walked over and saw the rest of the guys and Craig. He slowly asks, “Is that…Craig? Craig Adelot? What is he…” I interrupted him saying, “long story, but he’s hanging with us tonight.”

“Why don’t you boys pull over to the band wall there, and i will pull up on your right. Drew, once over there, you need to get out of the car and come talk to me, understood?“I nod up and down and get back in. I tell the guys to shut up and I will handle everything.

We pull up to the band wall, I get out and walk over to Officer Wright. “Get in,” he said. I walked around the front of the car and open the front passenger door and get in. He turns to me and asks, “What the hell were you three doing? Do you realize that rookie cop saw you blasting through not one but four, FOUR, stop signs? He didn’t know what the hell was happening! Your lucky he didn’t start shooting your ass when you jumped out of your car like an idiot.” The whole time he kept ripping into my ass. While I was listening and nodding my head in understanding, i could see my car rocking back and forth. Out of no where Josh opens the door and gets out. I continue to nod at Officer Wright as I look over his should at what was going on.He looks in my direction and with a grin puts a finger to his lips and starts walking towards the front of the building. He walks up to the far corner, just at the edge of the headlights shining on the wall. With his back turned, a dark stain on the wall appears. He’s fucking peeing on the wall. Trying to keep a straight face I watch in horror as Josh shakes and runs back to the car. Once in the car, i see it rocking around a few more times, violently this time, and all the windows roll down.

“Well, Drew, what else do you have to say for yourself?” Officer Wright questions. “I understand sir. Will pay more attention and will slow down. Absolutely right, I was being stupid and uncaring of others.” “Good. I am going to let you off with a warning. A few last things. One, we are going to drop Craig off at home. Where are you boys heading after that?” “Charlie’s” I said without thinking. “Okay. When we arrive at Charlie’s I want the rest of you to go in and not leave for the rest of the night. And when you get there I want one of his parents to wave at me. And last, Tell Josh if he has to take a piss again, not to do it in front of a cop car, the port-o-potties are right over there.”

I get out of the car and hurriedly get back in mine. I immediately start chewing all the guys out, especially Josh, for being such an idiot. As I am looking around I see Kyle, Josh, and Charlie all have their shirts pulled up around their noses. “What the hell are ya’ll doing?” I ask. “Josh pulls down his shirt just enough to mumble out in a giggle "take a smell,” and just as fast pulled it back up. I take in a big draw. The absolute horrible stench that singed my noise hairs was gut wrenching. I never smelled a smell so foul in all my life. “What the hell is that?” I ask as I quickly followed suit with the rest of them. Josh now laughing hysterically, while pointing at Craig, says, “Craig…he shit himself. He was so scared he shit himself!” I could not believe it. He shit himself in my car. I had it with him. The whole time as we drove to Craig’s, I was cursing so much, I think I invented at least four new words. We pull at the edge of his driveway. Josh gets out. Craig slowly gets out and starts walking up the driveway, looking like a cowboy who has been on his horse all day. Josh runs back and while laughing some more, tells Officer Wright. I look in my review mirror and see Officer Wright face palm and shakes his head. Josh runs back and gets back in.

We leave Craig’s and I tell the guys where we are going next. Charlie, stutters out, “Guys, my parents are out of town, what are we gonna do?” As we are going back and forth trying to plan out what we are going to get out of this mess, I see a glimmer in Charlie’s eyes. We pull up to Charlie’s, and before I even get the car in park, Charlie hops out and takes off running to his front door. “Fucker is gonna lock us out!” Josh says as he darts out behind him. Kyle and I look at each other, shrug our shoulders and get out of the car. We get inside after the other two and Josh is pacing in the living room. “He’s fucking locked himself in his parents room, what the hell is he doing?” He asked rhetorically. And then Charlie, or should I say Charlie’s “mom” appeared. Charlie had run into his parents room, grabbed his moms bathrobe, bra, and a mop head that was kept under the sink. Bra was stuffed with socks. Mop head on his head with the rest of handle down the back of his shirt, he tied a towel around his head, and threw on the bathrobe over everything. The three of us are staring st him and Kyle says, “No way in hell this is going to work. Charlie walks over to the front glass door. Half peeks out and gives a wave at Officer Wright. Officer Wright acknowledges with a quick "bleep bleep” of the siren and pulls off.

I collapse on the couch in amazement. That just happened. Tonight I was almost shot down by an itchy finger rookie, Craig shit himself in my car, and we fooled a cop with a mop head and a bathrobe. My night is complete. I lost my buzz an hour ago, Im going to sleep.

#short story #growing up #friends #frienship

0 notes