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releasing-my-insanity · 8 months

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Trick or Treat Exchange Letter

Hi everyone, I decided to participate in the trick or treat exchange this year and here’s my letter. Under the cut for length.

Hello content creator. I’m glad you’ve joined this exchange. I’m sure I’ll love anything you make. Obviously nothing in here is required except for DNWs. I just like to provide information and suggestions in case they’re helpful. I put in some Halloween specific likes, but I'm fine with Halloween or non-Halloween stories. Largely copied from other exchange letters. I've asked for treats only, no tricks. So my suggestions are all with that in mind.

General fic likes:

Fluff.

Humor.

Kindness and helping others.

Cuddles and snuggles.

Cozy scenes.

Bedsharing.

Casual touching.

Little soft and/or quiet moments between friends or significant others.

Characters sharing a love of music or movies or books or hobbies.

Pet owners.

Cute kids when those kids are canon children of requested characters.

Living together, either platonically or romantically.

People being really good at what they do and their friends/partners being impressed.

Characters who speak languages other than English slipping into those languages occasionally.

Teaching each other.

Communities supporting each other.

Everyone being accepting of the characters and their differences and/or relationships.

Women who get stuff done.

Bi and Ace-spectrum Headcanons.

Shippy stuff:

Soulmates (both common and creative varieties),

The Soulmate Goose of Enforcement,

Polyamory.

Friends to lovers.

Rivals to lovers.

Annoying each other constantly to lovers.

Established relationships.

Couples knowing each other really well and doing things the other one likes just because.

“Man I really love my wife” guys.

Asking before kissing someone.

Stopping a kiss or a touch immediately when asked.

Surprise kisses in an established relationship.

True Love’s Kiss when fairy tale elements are present.

Only One Bed snuggles.

Marriage Proposals (doesn’t have to be the man proposing to the woman in het ships, the woman can propose to the man too.)

Weddings.

Platonic/familial stuff:

Becoming friends.

Insta-friends,

Female Friendship

Friends who stay friends (they don’t become romantic and they don’t stop enjoying each other’s company).

Found families.

True companions.

Healthy families of origin.

Halloween-related likes: I'm not much for the "spooky" elements of Halloween. But I do like cute Halloween related things. Children's parties, fun costumes, candy, trick-or-treating, pumpkins, jack-o-lanterns, sheet ghosts, witches' hats, pets in costumes, amusing decorations. Anything fun but non-scary. I put in Halloween prompts where I thought of them, but I don't have many.

Reiterating DNWs for convenience:

Any sort of death or death imagery.

Abuse of any sort.

Anything that AO3 has under major warnings.

Unhealthy relationships.

Cheating, especially cheating being presented as a *good* thing.

Character bashing.

Explicit sex (implied or referenced sex between consenting adults is fine).

Anything that could be considered a loss of control.

Anyone transforming into anything else.

Illness beyond the common cold.

Mpreg.

Non-canonical pregnancy.

Discrimination or bigotry unless in the context of characters working to end it.

Unhappy ending.

Fandom Specific:

Emergency!:

Fandom content notes: It's a medical/firefighting show so the usual content warnings for that genre. Fires, accidents, illnesses, hospitals, heights, danger, a few episodes with snakes, etc. Cops appear often.

Relationships requested: The Crew of Station 51, Dixie/Joe/Kel, Joanne/Roy/Johnny

Tumblr tag for fandom: Emergency!

Fandom specific likes: The crew all being close. The fact that Johnny and Chet are good friends being obvious even through the bickering. Roy and Joanne's kids absolutely adoring Johnny. Joanne being 1000% on board with the firefighting work even if she worries about Roy and Johnny getting hurt. Appearances by Nurse Sharon.

Fandom specific DNW: No rescues involving snakes, spiders, or deadly diseases please. I also don't want anything where Joanne is unsupportive of the guys and their work.

Optional prompts: For Joanne/Roy/Johnny, I really love fluffy stories where Johnny spends time with the DeSotos. Maybe they all take the kids trick-or-treating, or help them make costumes, or Johnny gets a little too into "helping" the kids eat their Halloween candy. Or maybe they all just have dinner together and talk about their days and there's just a lot of love there.

For Station 51, I'd love to see them hold a station Halloween party for the various local kids. Or another show-typical silly event happening in their downtime.

For Dixie/Joe/Kel, I guess I'd just like to see more of the three of them getting to spend time together and get a break from ER work for a bit. Maybe when Joe and Kel went to that conference they were so excited about, Dixie got to go too and they had a fun time getting a little vacation around the conference events. For a Halloween prompt treating people in absurd costumes could be fun. I'd also be happy with them all supporting each other after a hard day in the ER.

Enchanted Forest Chronicles:

Fandom content notes: Cimorene runs away to avoid an arranged marriage. A few bad guys are mentioned as being eaten by dragons. Mendanbar is imprisoned for 17 years between books 3 and 4. Two characters in the 3rd book are transformed into something else. One by accident, the other as a punishment.

Relationships requested: Alianora/The Stone Prince, Cimorene/Mendanbar, Morwen/Telemain, Shiara/Daystar

Tumblr tag for fandom: Enchanted Forest Chronicles

Fandom specific likes: Mentions/Appearances of Alianora even if she’s not the focus. Morwen’s cats being snarky.

Fandom specific DNW: A story where the focus is on the time between Calling On Dragons and Talking To Dragons.

Optional prompts:

- Cimorene/Mendanbar: We don’t get to see very much of their married life so I would love to see some fluff taking place after their wedding but before Book 3.

- Daystar/Shiara: In an AU where they found some way to rescue Mendanbar sooner and Daystar grew up as the prince knowing both of his parents, how does this effect his and Shiara’s first meeting? Do they get along better or worse? Why is Daystar out in the forest at the right time to find her?

- Morewen/Telemain: I am down for basically anything with these two as long as it’s fun. Growing up together. Being classmates in magic school. Quests/adventures. Spending time together between adventures. Married life. Anything that appeals to you.

How exactly did they manage to get engaged? I would love to get the story of what conversations happened that we aren’t shown.

- Alianora/The Stone Prince: I just want to see anything about their relationship. We don’t get to see a lot of it in the book but I find it fascinating. I like how by the rules of this world, their one-day courtship and falling in love incredibly fast is normal and would enjoy seeing more about it.

Highway to Heaven:

Fandom content notes: A wide range of injustice and discrimination appear throughout the show. Within the episodes relevant to Jane, Diane, and Scotty, there’s character death, a suicide attempt, and some ableism.

Relationships requested: Diane/Scotty, Jonathan/Jane | Jennifer, Jonathan & Mark

Tumblr tag for fandom: Highway to Heaven

Fandom specific likes: Jonathan is an angel but sometimes he’s still painfully human. (E.G. Getting too emotionally involved with an assignment, his crisis of faith in We Have Forever, his reaction to Mark getting hurt in Going Home, Going Home.) I just really like that Jonathan isn’t perfect and makes mistakes and has strong emotions just like the rest of us.

Exception to no character death: I’m okay with mentions of it in relation to Jonathan and Jane, but I don’t want it to be the focus or the ending. I need to see them as angels afterwards if their deaths come up.

Fandom specific DNW: Ignoring the fact that Scotty is quadriplegic. Making the entire story about Scotty being quadriplegic as though it’s his only trait. Not a hugely important thing, but I would prefer Jonathan and Jennifer not sleep together (except literally) since he doesn’t know that she’s Jane.

Optional prompts:

Jonathan/Jane: I am down with basically any story for these two that you want to tell.

How they fell in love. Scenes from their marriage. Missing scenes between the two in Keep Smiling.

What it was like for Jane to become Jennifer and be given the first assignment of helping her husband regain his faith? A missing scene from their two months together.

Something where they meet again later, either between assignments, sharing an assignment, or being reunited in heaven when they’ve both earned their wings.

Scotty/Diane: A Match Made in Heaven is my absolute favorite episode, I would love literally anything based on it. For a video you’re welcome to use content from any or all of their episodes of course, but I would also be just as happy with one based entirely on this episode.

I’d also love the missing scene of their wedding, or scenes from their married life, or something with them being parents.

Jonathan & Mark: I just really enjoy their friendship and watching the two of them helping others so anything based on that would be lovely.

Magic School Bus:

Fandom content notes: There are multiple episodes where the characters turn into different animals. There are also many episodes going inside the human body.

Relationships requested: Arnold & Carlos & Dorothy Ann & Keesha & Phoebe & Ralphie & Tim & Wanda, Ms. Frizzle/Mr. Seedplot, DA & Keesha

Tumblr tag for fandom: Magic School Bus

Fandom specific likes: Ms. Frizzle being open to dating many different people, not just Mr. Seedplot. The kids all being close friends and no matter how many arguments they have they always make up quickly. Appearances by Mikey.

Fandom specific DNW: Romances between the kids. I don’t mind occasional references to crushes, but I don’t want shipping with them. The sequel show.

Optional prompts:

- The Kids: How did they first become friends? Phoebe transferred in, but have the other seven always been classmates? Was it hard for Phoebe to fit in at first or did they all make her feel welcome? Did they used to have other classmates before Ms. Frizzle’s class? What do they like to do for fun when they’re not in school or doing science?

A favorite headcanon of mine is that after college, the eight of them chip in and buy a house to use as home base. And they all travel around researching in their respective fields, but sometimes they just stay right there and do science. I would love any sort of story set in that world.

- Ms. Frizzle/Mr. Seedplot: How did they first meet? What happens after Liz brings Ms. Frizzle the flowers and note? Do they go on a date? Do the class ship them?

- DA and Keesha: I accidentally thought of the concept of Keesha and Dorothy Ann being sisters and now I'm extra obsessed with their dynamic. Whether actual sisters or just friends who are like sisters.

- Halloween: I'm a big fan of the Haunted House music episode so anything based on that would be lovely.

The Monkees:

Fandom content notes: It's been awhile since I watched the show, but I do remember that various plots included danger, kidnapping, a couple of nazi references played for laughs (Monkees Race Again), implied drug use, brainwashing, Mike mistakenly believing a woman is planning to kill herself (Monkees On The Line), a deal with the devil, all played for laughs.

Relationships requested: Davy/Peter/Micky/Mike

Tumblr tag for fandom: The Monkees

Fandom specific likes: The Monkees all absolutely adoring each other. Being best friends as well as romantic partners. A whole lot of goofy nonsense like in the show. Casual affection. Milly from Monkee Mother staying in their lives and them all loving her as their honorary mom, but still being a little annoyed by her sometimes. The reunion episode.

Fandom specific DNW: A fic focusing on less than all four of them. Drug use. Anything trying to split them up. Any episode where they're not character!Monkees (e.g. the one on tour or the one with Princess Gwen or something similar I'm forgetting). Any episode/movie that's notably darker in tone than the rest.

Optional prompts: I'd just like a nice fun romp. That's what this show is all about to me. A whole lot of fun and silly content. I love the episode Monkee See, Monkee Die. "Spend the night in the haunted house for the inheritance" episodes in sitcoms where they all get jumpy but nothing bad actually happens and it's all revealed to be a hoax anyway is one of my favorite kinds of episodes.

Sesame Street:

Fandom content notes: One episode deals with the aftermath of the death of a main character.

Relationships (and character) requested: Linda, Linda/Bob, Maria/Linda, Maria/Luis/David, Susan/Gordon, Susan/Gordon/Bob

Tumblr tag for fandom: Sesame Street

Fandom specific likes: Mr. Hooper lives. No one ages. The characters making sure to sign for Linda so that she knows what’s going on. Miles and Gabi being best friends. Bob and Maria being metamours and having a very sibling-like relationship. Mr. Hooper refusing to tell anyone what his orientation is. Big Bird basically being everyone’s child. Bob being in both of the above polyamorous relationships at the same time.

Fandom specific DNW: Anything involving the death of Mr. Hooper. Making Linda hearing instead of Deaf.

Optional prompts: As with all of these I’d be happy with anything you want to write but here are a few thoughts.

Linda: I love her so much and how silly and how sarcastic she can be. Something with her training Barkley might be fun. Or something where she gets a new book that she's excited about. Or a day at the library.

Linda/Bob: If they had gotten married, what would their wedding look like? What kind of dates do they go on?

According to episode summaries on The Muppet wiki, Bob writes songs for Linda and she teaches him American Sign Language. I would love to see either or both of those things.

Maria/Linda: When Linda first arrives on Sesame Street, Maria is the person who’s the most fluent in ASL and that leads to her and Linda becoming friends quickly. Linda learning some Spanish sign language so she and Maria can both speak Spanish.

Susan/Gordon: I would dearly love some fic about how they met and fell in love. Or a fic about how they decided that they were ready to be parents and that they wanted to adopt. Maybe something with them geeking out together over science.

Maria/David/Luis: The only logical solution to the Maria/David, Maria/Luis relationships. I actually shipped David/Luis before I shipped Maria/David, so I definitely view this as a full triad.

How do they get together? Are two of them together first and then the third joins them? Or do they become a triad all at once? What do their dates as a triad look like? Do the three of them ever go dancing?

How do they decide to get married? To become parents? Does it matter which of Maria’s husbands is Gabi’s biological father or do they only know for medical history reasons?

Susan/Gordon/Bob: Did they know each other before Sesame Street or did they meet there? When did they get together? One thing I really like is the idea of them having gone to college together and getting up to hijinks. I would love to see some of that. How involved is Bob in parenting Miles?

WordGirl:

Fandom content notes: Some danger, one episode (Dr. WordGirl Brains) features a mind-swap, another episode features a kidnapping, there are some cops.

Relationships requested: Becky/Tobey, Becky/Violet/Tobey/Scoops, TJ/Johnson

Tumblr tag for fandom: WordGirl

Fandom specific likes: Tobey realizing that he’s loved. Tobey’s robots being sweet.

Fandom specific DNW: Angst. These are children so I’d prefer they not show affection with anything more than a handhold or maybe a kiss on the cheek, unless they’re aged up. Tobey causing genuine harm beyond his usual property destruction.

Optional prompts: I’m happy with any kind of cute content for any of these pairings. I would especially like to see a get together.

I also read a fic once where Becky and TJ were allowed to invite their friends on a Botsford family trip to a cabin on a lake. Scoops and Violet couldn’t go in the fic, but I keep wondering what it would be like if they did and Becky was there with her mutual crushes and TJ was there with his.

#Dear Creator Letters #Trick or Treat Exchange

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warrioreowynofrohan · 3 years

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Today in Tolkien - February 16th

This is the day when the Fellowship leave Lothlórien and begins their journey down the River Anduin. Quite a lot fits into the day, so I’m going to track it chronologically.

First, in the morning as the Fellowship is packing up, elves of Lothlórien come and bring them lembas and elven-cloaks. Both are an example of the value and dignity of practical crafts within elven society; Galadriel personally works on making the cloaks of Lothlórien (“she and her maidens wove this stuff”), and of the nature of “elf-magic” being tied to their close relationship with the natural world (“leaf and branch, water and stone: they have the hue and beauty of all these things under the twilight of Lórien that we love”; and “grey with the hue of twilight under the trees they seemed to be; and yet if they were moved, or set in another light, they were green as shadowed leaves, or brown as fallow fields by night, dusk-silver as water under the stars”). It’s quite possible that this is the first time non-elves have been given lembas since the time of Túrin Turambar, and the second time in all Elven history.

After having breakfast, the Fellowship are preparing to leave the site where they have camped for the last month. Haldir comes to meet them as their guide (he’s come a lomg way from the borders, so it’s likely that the “guide” thing is an excuse and he’s come to say good-bye). He tells them that “The Dimrill Dale is full of vapour and clouds of smoke, and the mountains are troubled; there are noises in the deeps of the earth” - likely consequences of the battle between Gandalf and the balrog.

As they walked through Caras Galadhon the green ways were empty; but in the trees above them many voices were murmuring and singing. They temselves went silently. At last Haldir led them down the southward slopes of the hill, and they came again to the great gate hung with lamps, and to the white bridge; and so they passed out and left the city of the Elves. Then they turned away from the paved road and took a path that went off into a deep thicket of mallorn-trees, and passed on, winding through rolling woodlands of silver shadow, leading them ever down, southwards and eastwards, towards the shores of the River.

They had gone some ten miles and noon was at hand when they came on a high green wall. Passing through an opening they came suddenly out of the trees. Before them lay a long lawn of shining grass, studded with golden elanor that glinted in the sun. The lawn ran out into a narrow tongue between bright margins: on the right and west the Silverlode flowed glittering; on the left and east the Great River rolled its broad waters, deep and dark...One the bank of the Silverlode, at some distance up from the meeting of the streams, there was a hythe of white stones and white wood. By it were moored many boats and barges. Some were brightly painted, and shone wuth silver and gold and green, but most were either white or grey.

New word for me: hythe. Even my 1950s OED doesn’t know it! Fortunately, Google knows everything, and tells me it is an “archaic” word meaning “a small harbour or landing-place,” which is what I expected from the context.

There are thee boats for the Fellowship, and elves provide them with rope, to Sam’s satisfaction. The Fellowship practice with the boats by rowing a ways up the Silverlode. They meet Galadriel and Celeborn in a great swan-ship:

The water rippled on either side of the white breast beneath its curving neck. Its beak shone like burnished gold, and its eyes glinted like jet set in yellow stones; its huge white wings were half-lifted.

This matches the description of the swan-ships of the Teleri that Fëanor stole and destroyed, described in the Silmarillion: “Their ships...were made in the likeness of swans, with beaks of gold and eyes of gold and jet.” Galadriel’s mother is Telerin, and so the ship, as much as her song of lament (“What ship would bear me ever back across so wide a Sea?”), is a sign of her homesickness.

The Fwllowship, Celeborn, and Galadriel return to the green lawn at the angle of the two rivers for their parting meal. It is a fitting place: still within Lothlórien, but looking across the rivers to the mallorn-less shores beyond its southern and eastern borders. Galadriel seems changed to Frodo, and it may be not only his perception, but the result of her choice, refusing the Ring, to “diminish, and go into the West, and remain Galadriel”:

She seemed no longer perilous or terrible, nor filled with hidden power. Already she seemed to him, as by men of later days Elves still at times are seen: present and yet remote, a living vision of that which has already been left far behind by the flowing streams of Time.

Celeborn gives the Fellowship advice on their onward journey, speaking of the Brown Lands and the Emyn Muil, of the rapids of Sarn Gebir and the falls of Rauros, of the Dead Marshes and the plains of Gorgoroth, of Rohan and the Forest of Fangorn. Since all this territory is likely familiar to Aragorn, this is likely as much for the reader’s benefit as the Fellowship’s. He warns them not to become entangled in Fangorn, “a strange land, and now little known”; with the spread of Men across the plains of Rohan, it is likely now many years since the Elves and the Ents have spoken.

Boromir, showing more warning signs, though subtler than the previous night, dismisses the stories of Fangorn as “old wives’ tales, such as we tell to our children”, and then digresses to brag/complain about his difficulties in reaching Rivendell: “A long and wearisome journey...and it took me many months, for I lost my horse at Tharbad, at the fording of the Greyflood. After that journey, and the road I have trodden with this Company, I do not much doubt that I shall find a way through Rohan, and Fongorn too, if need be.” He is clearly feeling both proud and aggrieved. Notably, Aragorn, with far broader experience and travel of Middle-earth that Boromir, says no such things.

Galadriel then gives gifts to the Fellowship. To Aragorn, a scabbard overlaid with tracery of leaves and flowers of silver and gold, with words in gemstones spelling out that it in Andúril, reforged from Narsíl, the blade of Elendil. And along with this, the Elessar, the elfstone, which Arwen gave her to give to him: “a great stone of a clear green, set in a silver brooch that was wrought in the likeness of an eagle with outspread wings.” The Elessar is, from some versions of Unfinished Tales, an enhancement to healing abilities; the fact that Galadriel gave it to Celebrian and Celebrian to Arwen suggests that Celebrian and Arwen may both have used healing abilities as well. (Arwen, as Elrond’s daughter, would be particularly likely to be trained in it. Wouldn’t it be neat if the gemstone she gives to Frodo at the end, to help him in times of sickness and ill memory, was one she made herself, a combination of jewel-craft and healing?)

And, for all the fandom focus on how many people Elrond has lost, it’s worth remembering here that Galadriel is parted from her father and mother, her brothers are long dead, and her daughter departed for Valinor terribly ill and broken-spirited after having been captured by orcs; and unlike Elrond, at this moment she does not know if she will ever be able to see them again. Elrond at least knows he will see his parents and his wife again, in time. Galadriel also knows she is going to lose her granddaughter; indeed, she had a hand it it, practically matchmaking Aragorn and Arwen on the occasion when they became engaged.

Galadriel’s gift to Sam, of the earth and the mallorn-nut, is particularly touching: she knows from his vision in the mirror that the Shire will likely not be untouched by the war, and that the loss of the trees in particular distresses Sam; and she gives him a gift that can amend it.

And Gimli, of course, asks for a strand of Galadriel’s hair, and recieves three. I could say more on the interactions between these two, but I’ll try to keep it to this: in all the language concerning Gimli and Galadriel, Galadriel’s beauty is not used simply or even mainly to mean physical appearance, but to stand in for goodness, kindness and understanding. Gimli’s answer for what he would do with the hair is “treasure it...in memory of your words to me at our first meeting,” when she understood and defended the dwarves’ love of their home and spoke their place-names in the dwarf-tongue. Similarly, when he demands Eómer “acknowledge Galadriel as the fairest of ladies” if ever he sees her, he is responding to Eómer insulting Galadriel’s character, not her looks. Beauty here means something more than beauty.

And to Frodo she gives the Phial of Galadriel, holding the light of Eärendil’s star that is the Silmaril; a parallel and inverse of the Silmaril, a gift to be given rather than a possession to be clung to; and fitting for the end of the Noldor’s presence in Middle-earth, as the Silmarils drove their arrival there.

The Fellowship at last departs from Lothlórien, and Galadriel’s song in Quenya flows down to them on the wind.

So the Company went on their long way, down the wide hurrying waters, borne ever southwards. Bare woods stalked along either bank, and they could not see any glimpse of the lands behind. The breeze died away as the River flowed without a sound. No voice of bird broke the silence. The sun grew misty as the day grew old, until it gleamed in a pale sky like a high white pearl. Then it faded into the West, and dusk came early, followed by a grey and starless night.

#tolkien #today in tolkien #the lord of the rings #galadriel #aragorn #aragorn x arwen #arwen #boromir #gimli #sam gamgee #the silmarillion

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2manyfandoms2count · 3 years

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You can count on me (I will be there for you)

Hi, I’m Elle, and I have absolutely no idea how you can hack into a computer beyond the usual *typing sounds* “I’m in” you see in movies. I have therefore decided to leave Max and Markov do their thing backstage while I focus on a little mother-son moment (which there’ll be more of later, of course). Enjoy! xx

Also, small warning: there’s swearing on the last line. I think it’s justified.

---

Chapter 7

Ladybug shivers as they step out of the Voyage portal. Chat Noir pinpointed a blind spot area in a corner of the Mansion’s lobby from which they could hack into the house’s elaborate security system, and Max managed to get all three of them in exactly the right place. Apparently Gabriel Agreste didn't think much could happen beside the grand staircase; remembering the time she'd had to transform there, the spotted lady thinks it's just as well.

While her travel companions huddle around Max’s computer to deactivate the cameras, she takes a look around the space, making sure to stay within the boundaries Chat Noir indicated. How Adrien managed to grow up into the warm and vibrant person he is, while living in this austere place will always be beyond her. Whoever thought that displaying a giant mourning painting in an already colourless room was a good idea clearly doesn’t live here. She supposes it could be alright, were the place a museum, but as a house? It doesn’t help the large volumes feel homey in the least.

“Alright, cameras are looped, we can move around now.” Pegasus closes his computer and stands a little taller. “So, what exactly are we looking for, and how should we go about it?”

“Physically, purple butterfly-themed stationary, and anything that could compromise Ladybug or suggest a tie with Hawkmoth,” Chat Noir lists. “Even though I think we have a better chance of finding the latter two on a protected file. It’s not like my- Mr Agreste to leave things lying around in the open.”

Ladybug nods along. “Where do you think we’re most likely to find those?”

“My best guess would be Gabriel’s atelier, and Nathalie’s room. She’s been keeping quite a lot of paperwork there, since her illness a couple of years ago.” Her partner shrugs. “And I think anything numerical would definitely be on Gabriel’s computer.”

“If that's okay, I think I'll try to access the data from Adrien’s computer, if he still has it in his room? I seem to recall seeing some links last time we connected to it, and there’ll probably be less security to bypass.” Max suggests.

“And less risk of leaving fingerprints, or anything that could make Gabriel suspect anything was touched during his absence.” Chat Noir muses. “Good call, Max. How about you go to Adrien’s room with Markov, LB, you go to Nathalie’s room, and I check the study?”

“Sounds good to me.” Ladybug smiles.

“Perfect.” Pegasus nods. “Should I detransform?”

“Maybe that would be wise. Let’s give Kaalki some time to recharge so we’re good to go later on.” She nods, and hands him a box of macarons she managed to ‘steal’ before they left. It’s not the Kwami’s favourite food, but it will have to do.

Chat Noir watches the both of them run up the stairs and separate at the top, smiling as Ladybug’s newest costume addition flutters with her movements. Tikki must have really liked the veil for it to stick through the transformation. It looks good, and it’s a good reminder that they don’t have all the time in the world.

He takes a deep breath and opens the double doors that lead to his father’s study.

The room hasn’t changed over the years. Some designers, Marinette included, like to sprawl their ideas out in giant mood boards, pictures, sketches and fabric swatches gradually invading the walls as their collection takes shape. Gabriel Agreste isn’t one of these people. The decoration is as stark as ever, despite an upcoming fashion show, pictures of Adrien pulled up from different ads, and marble statues seemingly being the only personal touches. The only real spark of colour is his mother’s golden portrait, at the far end of the room. He often wondered why it hung there, and not on the mantelpiece, or anywhere else in the room where his father could see it while working. He can’t see her not being a source of inspiration.

He walks up to the painting and swivels it to reveal the family safe. It seems like a good place to start.

“Plagg, claws in.” He whispers.

The dark figure swirls out of his ring and spins around a little, taking in his surroundings.

“Gotta say, kiddo, I’m glad that we’re moving out soon. This place always gave me the creeps.” Plagg floats up to the pictures lining the walls. Adrien can’t tell if there’s a hint of nostalgia in his eyes as he takes in the shots of him that were taken around the time they met.

“I thought the Spirit of Destruction knew no fear?” His lips curl into an amused smile.

“I didn’t say I was afraid, just that I didn’t like this place.” Plagg refrains himself very hard from knocking over, or straight up Cataclysming, Adrien can't tell, a frame showing a very proud Gabriel, probably at the end of one of his first fashion shows. “Anyway, what are you doing, detransforming in the middle of you top secret mission? What if your lover walks in?” He asks mischievously.

“She’s my wife now, actually.” Adrien grins, still giddy at the thought.

“I know, just wanted to give you the satisfaction of saying it out loud.” He grins back. “Consider it your wedding present from me; you get to be sappy for the day. Not too much, though, or I’ll end up retching on your father’s stuff.”

“Don’t worry, I’m sure it won’t come to that. I just need you to open the safe, like you did that one time? Then I’ll retransform, on the off-chance Marinette does decide to come and check on things.”

“No problem.” Plagg zoomed through the heavy metal door, and was back out again a couple of minutes later. “Whew- I don't know if it’s because I’m getting old, but it felt a lot easier the first time around. Got a little Camembert for my troubles?” He pouted.

“That’s weird.” Adrien frowns as he pulls out the cheese box from his suit pocket and tosses him a piece.

“Eh, I wouldn’t sweat it. It was, what? Ten years ago? More? I lose count.” The Kwami catches the cheese and gobbles it down. “Anyway, technologies have evolved since then, and you know your progenitor likes to keep up.”

“True.” Adrien replies pensively as they take a look at the contents of the safe.

The contents looks pretty much identical to the last time they’d broken into it. The same books are stored on the lower shelves, with a couple wads of cash. At eye level, the book about Tibet still sits next to his mother’s picture. The Miraculous Grimoire that had gotten him into so much trouble is gone, he notices, but he doesn't worry too much about it. It could just mean that his father is using it for his next collection.

There’s something else missing, though. He seems to recall that there was a flash of colour around his mother, but maybe he’s remembering it wrong.

He shakes his head to clear the feeling that it's something important as he closes the safe, and calls his transformation phrase.

Swivelling the panel back to its original place, he sighs as he takes in Emilie’s portrait once more.

“Oh, Maman, I wish you were still here.” He says softly. It breaks his heart, but the more time passes, the less he can remember her face. Sure, the paintings and pictures remind him of what she looked like, but picturing her spontaneously in his memories is becoming a struggle.

It’s actually this painting he generally sees when he thinks about her. It’s vibrant, warm, solar, just like she was. He wishes she could have met Marinette. She would have adored her, he knows. She would’ve treated her like the daughter she never had.

“If only you could’ve seen us today. I’m sure you would’ve been a much easier guest than Father’s turning out to be.” He lets out a nervous chuckle, and gently touches the painting’s surface. It’s something his father always forbade him from doing, but he isn’t there, it’s his wedding day, and one of the most important people in his life isn't there to celebrate with him.

As he slides his fingers over the elaborate dress, wondering if she ever wore one like this, and if so, if his father kept it, he notices that there are some spots which are smooth, almost cool, in the midst of the paint asperities. He frowns, and touches them again; they’re definitely metal, glinting a little in the afternoon light.

Tentatively, he pushes down on one of them. The button sinks below the surface, but nothing happens.

He tries pressing on two groups, located approximately at eye level. This time, there’s a slight whirring sound, and he feels the ground move under his feet.

He’s too stunned to jump out when he starts to descend below ground level, his hands automatically slamming to the sides of the tube, eyes widening in panic.

“Chat Noir!” Ladybug and Max burst through the doors just before he is completely engulfed by darkness. She’s pale as she watches him disappear, clutching purple envelopes and something else in her hands. Max doesn’t look too good either.

“Shit” is the last thing he hears as he travels to whatever dark corner of the Mansion the tube is taking him to. He's not sure who said it, but something tells him they all did.

#angst is coming #but also the happy ending #miraculous ladybug #the miraculous tales of ladybug and cat noir #mlb #miraculous fanfiction #miraculous fanfic #ladynoir #adrienette #adrinette #fake wedding #one-sided reveal #aged-up characters #max kante #inspired by fanart #elle writes #yccom

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umbraja · 4 years

Text

Body Hair Positivity: Good or Gross?

It’s been a trend lately to embrace a more diverse image of beauty. Freckles and muffin tops, dark skin and curly hair, scars, tattoos, unusual proportions, crooked teeth, pretty much anything is supposed to be accepted under the banner of Body Positivity.

But what about body hair?

And I’m not just talking about armpits or legs. I also mean unusual body hair. The kind people don’t talk about. The kind women aren’t “supposed” to have: chest hair, happy trails, beards, back hair. The kind that doctors call hirsutism and is often associated with hormonal imbalances from things like Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, Cushing Syndrome, medication side effects, menopause, or even just genetics. It affects somewhere between 5%-10% of women depending on the region surveyed but may be higher as it can often go undiagnosed.

It’s not like we’re taught how healthy body hair should look.

Humans have been removing body hair since before recorded history. Archaeologists have found evidence of early humans using clam shells and shark teeth to remove body hair. Ancient Egyptians are well known for their full body waxes. Ancient Greeks considered it “uncivilized” for a woman to have pubic hair. Roman boys celebrated their entry into manhood with a mandatory first shave. And medieval European Ladies plucked daily to remove all hair from their brows, temples, and neck - some even plucked their eyelashes. The “New World” was no stranger to body hair removal either. Thomas Jefferson, and many others, wrote of some Native Americans’ depilatory obsession.

“With [Native Americans] it is disgraceful to be hairy on the body. They say it likens them to hogs. They therefore pluck the hair as fast as it appears.” - Thomas Jefferson, Notes on the State of Virginia

In the non-native US, body hair removal wasn’t really a big thing until the 20th century when we did a complete 180 on the subject. Before that Puritan values made sure that most body hair was covered by clothing so few bothered to remove it since no one was gonna see what was under all that cloth. Now recent studies say that 93 to 99 percent of American women regularly remove their body hair, making it one of our most widely practiced beauty norms. Girls as young as 10 are pressured into shaving, waxing, plucking, threading, anything to remove errant hairs as soon as they start to sprout. Refusal to do so leaves us open to bullying, both on the playground and in the office. Visible body hair can cost a woman jobs, promotions, and relationships so most of us remove it, no matter the cost. Which one study worked out to be more than $10,000 over the course of her life for the average American woman who shaves. If she waxes instead the bill goes over $23,000.

So what happened?

“Where eighteenth-century naturalists and explorers considered hair-free skin to be the strange obsession of indigenous peoples, Cold War-era commentators blithely described visible body hair on women as evidence of a filthy, ‘foreign’ lack of hygiene.” - Rebecca Herzig, Plucked, a History of Hair Removal

The driving forces behind hair removal in America are the same three that cause most of the nation’s problems: greed, sexism, and racism. Let’s go in chronological order.

As the “Age of Enlightenment” began to secularize European politics, Imperialists needed a new excuse to justify their expansion into non-European territory. Naturalists like the still famous Charles Darwin handed them pseudoscience. It’s debatable whether or not these naturalists intended their work to be used as the foundation for white supremacist ideology that still plagues us today but there’s no question about how racists interpreted it. They saw evolution as a line that went from ape through colored people and ends at Aryan. Real science tells us that’s not at all correct and if anyone is closer to cave man it’s white people who often have Neanderthal in their DNA. But they didn’t have genetic sequencers back then so they used physical traits to “prove” it instead. Part of this was a gross mischaracterization that body hair could be used to determine a person’s place within the line of human evolution. They claimed people with coarse, dark hair were closer to apes and those with thin, light hair were more evolved. Guess who picked up on that concept in the 20th century.

Darwin further complicated matters in his attempt to explain why some white people were hairier than some indigenous populations by associating hairiness with evolutionary backsliding and mental illness.

“[Hairiness in Europeans] is due to partial reversion; for characters which have been at some former period long inherited are always apt to return. We have seen that idiots are often very hairy, and they are apt to revert in other characters to a lower animal type.” - Charles Darwin, The Descent of Man

Other scientists and even medical experts of the time ran with this idea and before long the educated elite considered hairiness (along with other non-Aryan traits) to be a symptom of disease, insanity, and criminal violence. The uneducated masses were more familiar with freak show displays of unusually hairy people as “missing links” to our primate ancestors. Both cases considered having body hair to be a very bad thing. They’re also very bad science and not at all true.

Despite these very strong, racist feelings about body hair, it still wasn’t common for American women to remove it beyond the upper lip, neck, jaw, or between the eyebrows. Most women don’t have much hair there and those that did rarely had time or money to invest in removing it. Also they wouldn’t be caught dead admitting they had to so historical records might not be accurate about how many women actually plucked. For the first half of American history peach fuzz and other light hair was seen as normal and clothes covered the rest. But the 20th century not only saw women wearing less cloth and showing more skin it also saw them calling for gender equality. Critics of women’s liberation often accused suffragettes of sexual inversion - aka acting too much like men, which they saw as an abhorrent threat. To really drive this point home they often depicted women’s rights activists as being hairy, thus politicizing our pits. Pair this with the “hygiene” movement’s embrace of already mentioned racist views on body hair and you have a recipe for weaponized shame.

“Self-consciousness brings timidity, restrained action and awkwardness. The use of Del-a-tone relieves the mind from anxious watchfulness of movement.” - 1919 Del-a-tone depilatory advertisement

Enter Capitalism. Producers of hair removal products wanted to up sales so they did the exact same thing that was done with every other beauty product on the market - shame women into buying their stuff. It’s debatable if this was motivated purely by greed, in an attempt to reach an untapped market, or if the resulting gender oppression was intentional but men were spared of this aggressive shaming (until recently at least). Women, on the other hand, were flooded with advertisements for body hair removal products. From the first “razor for women” in 1915 to 21st century laser hair removal ads, women are constantly being reminded of our body hair. It doesn’t take a genius seeing ads that call smooth skin “attractive” or “sanitary” to extrapolate the opposite - that body hair is ugly, and dirty. A series of ads for Del-a-tone depilatory products even called it “necessary” for sleeveless fashion and suggests that not using their product will lead to social anxiety. Pair that with only ever using shaved models in all of fashion advertising and you send a pretty clear message: female body hair is something to be ashamed of. Advertising works. Now most American women actually feel gross if they’ve missed a shave, despite body hair being perfectly natural and not at all dirty. This disgust is so strong it has even bled over into an aversion toward male body hair which has seen a sharp decline in popularity since the shaggy chested disco days. Now men are being inundated with “manscaping” advertisements and expectations of manicured if not completely removed body hair.

So that’s the background but where’s this going?

While female body hair removal is firmly ingrained in western beauty standards, a new generation of women are rebelling against those ideals - body hair included. Recent studies have shown a shift in body hair trends among young women. Only 77% percent of women 16 to 24 reported regularly shaving their pits in 2016 and 85% shaved their legs, down from 95% and 92% respectively just two years prior. Since then we’ve started to see models, celebrities, and everyday women with unshaven pits and hairy legs. Body positivity campaigns have even gotten a few advertisers to include body hair in their ads. Now you can see razors actually shaving hair from women’s bodies instead of inexplicably running over baby smooth skin.

Women have always told ourselves that hair removal is a choice but we’ve never before been encouraged to choose not doing it. Instead we’ve been brainwashed to think it’s dirty and disgusting and that no one will accept us for being hairy. Today’s young woman is actually presented with a choice, “to shave or not to shave” and a lot of them are choosing not to. Which is great news for people like me who have hirsutism and are sick of being shamed for how nature made us.

But we’ve still got a very long way to go before I can be confident that my neck beard won’t hold me back both socially and professionally. A lot of the women who have publicly displayed body hair in recent years have come under attack by people calling them various shades of “gross” and some have even been sent death threats. It’s one thing for a rich and famous Hollywood movie star to take that kind of risk but for an autistic office worker living in a conservative backwater that’s a whole different game.

Whatever your thoughts and feelings on body hair, America still hasn’t escaped the shame of the last hundred years. Women are still very much judged for being hairy. A lot of people still think it’s gross. I’m not one of them but I’m full of unpopular opinions.

#body hair #body posititivity #history

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writergamermom · 3 years

Text

Promo and Live Blogging #6

Ship Your Own Adventure

Emblue_Sparks

Mature

Chapter 1 Billie/Crowley; Chapter 2 Sam/Eileen; Chapter 3 Dean/Crowley; Chapter 4 Kevin/Aaron; Chapter 5 Claire/Kaia; Chapter 6 Sam/Gadreel; Chapter 7 Crowley/Mick Davis; Chapter 8 Dean/Benny; Chapter 9 Bobby+ Rufus; Chapter 10 Dean/Castiel

Liveblog

Man Emblue Sparks did their own art! How can I top this?

His beloved Imperium Innocentia never ceased to fill him with wonder, and yet as of late, he'd begun to feel a worrisome unease when visiting. The loyal ferrymen were paid handsomely to usher his precious souls from there to the shores of Elysium and Asphodel Meadows. Neither Castiel nor Gabriel had reported any bumps in the proverbial road, so that couldn't be the source.

To be honest I am rather confused.

The realm was fiercely protected by thousands of wardings and enchantments. His rambunctious rescues were all squeals and delight as their tender souls regained the sweet innocence lost, as was the realms purpose. However, when visiting recently, his grace sensed...not a presence really, but a watchfulness. As if some all seeing eye was casting itself upon it.

So a place in the Scottish highlands is the first circle of hell where all the unborn or unbaptized babies are? Wait Crowley has GRACE? So confused.

Perhaps she'd care for some tea..or Craig? No, no scotch wouldn't do, how would that appear? Lovely to make to your acquaintance. May I invite you into my home for strong spirits on a whim?

I mean I wouldn’t say no, but I am drunk so what are you going to do.

He'd longed to ask her why she felt so familiar. Why in her presence he felt they might have been from another time altogether. A far away memory tiptoed on the edges of recollection just out of his mind's reach. Crowley would spend untold hours in contemplation, opening his mind in hopes the memory in which he sought might emerge from its shy shell and present itself. Alas, to his disappointment, none had stepped forward to claim that missing piece of neurological real estate thus far.

Wow, this is some kind of poetry. Okay there are some major spoilers so I won’t post any more for this chapter. But I want to read more. There are like layers here man.

Chapter Two Notes: Because I cannot abide the logic surrounding Eileen's absence in the finale. Every actor is entitled to their opinion, as are we, the fans. Though I disagree with Jared, I'll defend his right to express his thoughts. But seeing as how this is my interpretation of this pairing, I'm giving Sam and Eileen this ending I feel they deserved because this handling of the finale among other things had me livid.

Ooops, I have not watched the last season. Oh well.

And yet for Sam, the fates had been so unkind. For as his son grew and garnered a beautiful life of his own, one he happily shared with none other than Castiel Fitzgerald, his memory of Eileen began to fade. Once Dean Jr had realized it was happening, he'd prayed.

Dean Jr. and Castiel Fitzgerald are together and Sam is losing his memories. Bittersweet!

"Dean is well, although he misses you. We're happy, he and I. Eileen as well. I've heard your son's prayers. He fears you'll forget her due to your memories' condition. You sustained many concussions throughout your life. She grows..blurry for you, does she not?"

Yeah Sam got hit in the head a lot!

Without warning, Jody walks into his home.

"Saam?"

He turns his head, stunned. She shouldn't be even be driving anymore let alone-

"Yo!"

Anybody home?" Claire and Kaia both called out as they too enter.

Aww I love these girls. Imagine Old Jody still kicking ass and filled with sass.

"Let's get this party started," Jody suggested, busting a bottle of Johnny Walker Black label from her oversized old lady purse.

YES!

Chapter 3 It wasn't the first time he'd watched Dean Winchester sleep, nor would it be the last. But he'd paid close attention when overhearing the very true sentiment expressed, "It's just creepy." Since then he'd taken extra precautions not to make the seraph's mistake.

So it’s Dean and someone not Cas.

Dean was as tenacious as any demon,

It’s Crowley!

They'd had a deliciously rambunctious role in the proverbial hay with triplets earlier that evening.

Yeah I knew they had an orgy!

He began slowly pulling his hand back, so slowly in fact, he hoped it would go unnoticed. However, before it left the warmth of Dean's skin, he felt Dean pointedly grab his hand.

Wow. Yeah. That’s the good stuff.

Chapter 4: You got the job?! Awesome! Well, I knew you would. You're an outstanding accountant," Kevin glowed at his best friend Aaron, whom he'd helped land a position at the same company he worked at.

WOOT KEVIN! I love Kevin. And Aaron. I can see it.

Kevin had found an outstanding job at "Write Your Own Story," a place kind of like Total Rekall, only no memory sorcery involved. His friend Claire and her wife Kaia had inherited a typewriter from a long lost uncle...Megatron or something like that. They discovered its magic and sought to use it for good but also a career. It was gaining steam, paid the bills, but barely out of the beta phase.

Nice! I dig all of this.

Over the next few weeks business boomed with the coming holidays. People wanted to write those they loved beautiful dreams as gifts. And as Kevin discovered, it was all the ink.

I would love to give someone good dreams.

Get out. I can’t believe you would do something like this. And you used a sacred holiday too..ya know what? Nevermind, I'm late for service, make sure you're not here when I get back."

Oh NO!

Chapter 5: "We all missed you and mourned you. Just because we'd just met didn't mean we hadn't looked forward to welcoming you into our little family," Jody declared to Kaia as they pulled out from the bunker and started their five hour journey plus change back to Souix Falls.

I have not watched season 15, did Kaia and Claire get a reunion? I think I remember hearing something about Jody and Kaia. How sweet if she got to bring her home.

"I'm not gonna intervene with you two beyond this, but hearing from Sam all these years about how Dean and Cas keep dancing around each other,

Poor Sam

"It's really you…" the golden lightning in a bottle whispered before slamming into her, squeezing so hard her eyeballs almost popped out.

Nice

Chapter 6 Sam's crushed on the martial arts instructor at the Men of Letters Academy for a year and finally finds an opportunity to do something about it.

I don’t know what this is.

Sam Winchester had been working at the Letters Academy for all of one year as a Professor of Supernatural History and Lore. Dean had graduated ten years prior and was a field agent with a partner of the celestial variety, Castiel. Sam preferred employment on the educational side of operations and prepared his students well, heavily arming them with the knowledge of what was out there and how to effectively neutralize it, if necessary.

Cool. I am down for this

The instructor had joined the academy's faculty the same time as Sam and to say he had a crush on the guy was putting it mildly. His name was Gadreel, and like Dean's partner,

Man they would make a mightily tall couple.

"Heard Max Banes is working through the ranks of Tai Kwon Do pretty fast. Aces all the tests and assignments in my class. Seems pretty motivated.." Sam tossed out for conversation.

Before Covid I was doing pretty well with Taekwondo. I have not kept up.

"Those are effective, until knocked out of your hand or your mag runs out. Come by sometime, I'll show you some stuff..if you want."

Yeah Ill show you some stuff too. In my pants!

"Private lessons I see, Gadreel. I'd no idea they were on the table. Perhaps we can come to some..arrangement." Sam looked up to see Arthur Ketch standing in the doorway aiming a lascivious grin at Gadreel.

EWWW. Can we say creepy

It had Sam considering the length of his wingspan.

Wingspan… Sure

#spncoldesthitspromo

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ejzah · 4 years

Note

Could you write about alternate events between seasons 9 and 10 where the team made it back safely, but Deeks and Kensi still haven’t reconciled. Deeks is offered to officially return to NCIS, but since Kensi refuses to talk to him and thinking he needs space, he decides to leave LA and goes to the airport. Kensi realizes how unfair she has been and goes to the airport to stop him. Includes Mosley, another proposal and the entire team watch from ops. PLEASE CAN YOU WRITE THIS!!!

A/N: Is this kind of involved, yes. Is it kind of a mess, also yes.

Since the prompt specified that they return to LA safely, I decided that no one got injured, beyond a few scrapes and such (including Hidoko). Is this exactly what anon imagined, probably not quite.

***

Kensi glanced over at Deeks. He was sitting across from her, just like he had on the way to Mexico, but there might as well be several countries between them. Despite their success in “rescuing” Derrick from his father, their current interactions had not improved.

Derrick was at the other end of the plane, happily chatting with his mom on Sam’s cell phone. Every so often, Deeks would glance back at him, his expression dark. He’d interacted with Derrick readily enough, charming him with his usual ease into playing a guessing game while they waited for the plane to take off, but he’d also made it blatantly clear that he still thought the mission was unnecessary and ill-planned. It didn’t matter that they’d managed to retrieve Derrick without any deaths or major injuries and, most importantly, without Spencer Williams noticing.

After Kensi had pointed out how well everything had gone, he’d pressed his lips together and refused to speak to anyone. It made her heart ache. And it made her angry. It made her feel a whole host of other feelings, gnawing at her. Maybe if she gave Deeks the time he apparently needed, he’d eventually calm down enough to talk to her reasonably.

She glanced at Deeks again; he was staring at his folded hands, his face unreadable. She almost spoke, but just shook her head, glancing back out the window, watching the clouds pass by.

***

Mosley was waiting for them when the plane landed. She didn’t even wait for them to finished descending the ramp before she was racing towards them. She was dressed in leggings, a sweatshirt, and gym shoes and Kensi realized she looked much younger and remarkably small without heels and a dress

“Oh, baby,” she said, pressing a hand to her mouth as Derrick appeared in the doorway. She pulled him into her arms, shaking as she held him. Derrick was a little stiff, but after a moment hesitantly returned the hug.

“I missed you, mom,” he said shyly.

“Me too, Derrick. I thought about you every day.” They talked for a couple minutes more and then she turned to face the, not even attempting to wipe away the tears streaming down her face. “Thank you, for returning my son to me,” she said, her voice ringing with sincerity. All of you. You don’t know how much this means to me.”

“Oh, I think we do,” Sam countered, leaning heavily on the cane Callen insisted he use as soon as the boarded the plan. Turning around, she singled out Deeks who was watching the reunion with an unreadable expression.

“Thank you for coming Detective, even though you didn’t have to.” Deeks seemed surprised by her words, but just shrugged.

“It’s what I do. Or at least what I did,” he replied and if Kensi wasn’t mistaken, with a note of censure. Mosley sighed, none of her usual superiority present. She whispered something in Derrick’s ear then took a few steps away.

“I do owe you an apology, Deeks,” she told him. “My actions and words to you were unforgivable, but you should know that I have been reinstated as the LAPD liaison for the Office of Special Projects. Hopefully that will in some way atone for my behavior.”

Deeks looked momentarily surprised by her admission, but smoothed his expression quickly.

“Thank you, Executive Assistant Director.”

“It’s just Mosley now.” She smiled grimly. “I think we all know that I won’t be returning to NCIS in any capacity.” Glancing over her shoulder, her smile became more genuine. “But that doesn’t matter now. I have something much more important to care about.”

“I hope you find what you’re looking for,” Deeks said, which wasn’t exactly acceptance of her apology. Mosley nodded and started to turn away. “Derrick seems like a really good kid,” he added. “Take good care of him.”

“I will,” she promised. They watched her bundle Derrick into a black SUV and leave the lot.

“Well, looks like we’re one big happy family again,” Callen said with forced lightness.

***

“We should talk,” Deeks said abruptly several hours later. Callen and Sam had left the bullpen a few minutes earlier and the awkward silence had continued to grow between them.

“If it’s more of what you said in the garage,” Kensi started, schooling her expression into something professional and blank. “then I don’t want to hear it.” She glanced down before her mask slipped and missed Deeks’ look of anguish.

“Kensi...” he sounded anguished.

“I don’t think we need another fight right now.” She couldn’t take it, not right now. There was another moment of silence and then she heard him stand up. “Where are you going?” she asked without thinking.

“I need to get out of here,” he said.

“Ok, give me a few minutes and we can go ho-“

“No, I mean out of LA.” His voice shook, but when Kensi looked up, he had a stubborn expression she recognized. Whatever he was planning, it was set in his mind.

“Where?” she whispered, her heart plummeting. “Deeks, you can’t just leave.”

“Kensi, I can’t go home and pretend that everything is ok when it’s not,” he said, rubbing at his jaw. “I’ll find a cheap ticket somewhere and stay there a couple weeks.”

“I can’t believe you’re doing this.” She shook her head, pressing her lips together to keep from screaming at him. Or crying.

“Then talk to me,” he shouted. He cringed as it echoed through the room.

“Talking right now is pointless,” she said, her voice shaking. “You obviously haven’t changed your opinion about any of this.”

He started to say something, leaning towards her, but then he shook his head again and pulled the strap of his duffel bag over his shoulder.

“Bye, Kensi.” She almost called him back. She almost ran after him. Instead she sat frozen, unable to move or speak.

Sometime later, she didn’t really know how long, Callen and Sam returned.

“Where’s Deeks?” Sam asked, clearly noticing his missing bag.

“He left,” Kensi whispered.

“I realize he’s tired, but Hetty was clear that we need to get this all straightened out as soon as possible if we want to keep our jobs.”

“He went to the airport.” Callen and Sam shared another one of their looks and before they could ask another question, she added, “We fought the other night and he decided that the best thing for us would be for him to leave.”

“When’s he coming back?” Callen asked.

“I don’t know. I don’t know if he’s ever coming back.” Finally voicing the thought that had been running through her mind since Deeks had left seemed to be the tipping point. She buried her face in her hands as tears started streaming down her cheeks.

She vaguely heard Sam and Callen having a hasty whispered discussion and then Sam’s hand squeezed her shoulder.

“It’ll be ok, Kensi. You guys will work this out,” he assured her.

“How can you know that? You don’t even know what we fought about,” she said, hastily scrubbing at her cheeks as Sam awkwardly leaned against her desk. “It’s not the usual stuff. Dirty laundry and stupid comments. It was really bad this time.”

“I can guess what it was about. And whatever it is, I know that you’ll work things out because I know you two. I know how much you love and care about each other.”

“This is different, Sam. I really hurt him this time.”

“Somehow I have a feeling you both hurt each other. You’ll figure out a way to fix it, just like all the other times. It’s part of being in a relationship,” he said.

“I don’t know how to even begin,” she said helplessly. It seemed insurmountable, especially since every time they spoke to each other, they ended up arguing again.

“Start by going after him,” Callen suggested, you’ll figure it out from there.

“But-“

“Kensi, do you love him?”

“Yes, of course I do!”

“Then go now. Go before things get worse,” Sam said. She hesitated and then started shoving things at random into her bag.

“Tell Hetty-“

“We’ll handle it,” Callen assured her. Kensi’s rubbed her hand over her face.

“God, I don’t even know where to start looking for him. What if he’s already left?”

“We’ll get Nell and Eric to hack security and find him,” Sam said and Callen made a face.

“We will?”

“It’s for love, G. Go Kensi.”

***

Kensi blew out an unsteady breath as she parked the SUV in the airport parking lot. On the ride over, she’d taken time to really examine her reaction to Deeks suggestion that they quit. She still didn’t know what she planned to say. Hopefully she didn’t end up making things worse.

“Ok, Deeks just purchased last minute tickets for a one-way trip to Cedar Rapids, Iowa,” Nell informed her over speaker phone.

“What the hell is going to Iowa for?” she muttered. “Never mind, where is he waiting?”

“Um, a lobby just outside terminal 6. They start boarding in about 20 minutes.” 20 minutes wasn’t much time. She grabbed her badge, wallet, keys and phone and stuffed them into her pocket. Then, as a last second thought she opened the glove compartment and carefully removed the thin necklace she stored her engagement ring on when she wasn’t wearing it.

She latched it around her neck, the ring a familiar, comforting weight against her chest.

It took 10 minutes to get through security, even with her badge and multiple mentions of her federal status. Then came the task of finding Deeks among everyone else waiting to board.

She got several odd looks from people as she jogged up and down the rows, searching for him. Finally, she spotted him leaning against a wall next to a coffee shop, his head bowed as he typed something on his phone.

“Deeks,” she whispered, standing in front of him. His head popped up, a myriad of expressions crossing his face before he settled on confusion.

“Kensi, what are you-how did you...?” he trailed off.

“I’m sorry,” she blurted out. “I’m so sorry for the things I accused you of. I know you might not be ready to forgive me yet, but please say you’ll stay.” Her heart was pounding so hard it felt like there was a hammer in her chest and she felt slightly dizzy. Deeks blinked at her for a moment, stepping away from the wall.

“The only reason I decided to go was because I thought you didn’t want to talk to me. I wanted to tell you that I was sorry and that I never should have brought leaving or kids up when I did.”

“So you’ll stay?” She waited for his response breathlessly.

“Do you think we can work through our issues?” he asked. It was a terrifying question, but she nodded, taking his hand and gripping it fiercely.

“Yes, I know it won’t be easy, but if we really try, we can figure this out,” she said, remembering Sam’s advice. He closed his eyes, drawing in a trembling breath and then pulled her into his arms.

“The past few days have been some of the worst days of my life,” he told her, his voice raw with emotion. “I don’t want to ever feel like this again.” He let out a sigh of relief.

“Me neither. And we won’t,” Kensi promised. “We’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again.” She leaned extricated her arms as Deeks watched and unclasped the chain around her neck, dropping the ring into her palm.

“Ask me again,” she requested and he rolled his eyes, which a little wet.

“A sixth proposal? Really?”

“The last,” she assured him. He took the ring slowly, rolling it around in his fingers. For a second, Kensi thought he would say no, but then he dropped to his knee.

“Kensi Marie Blye, will you please marry me?” he asked, his eyes holding the same warmth and love as the first time she remembered him proposing.

“Yes,” Kensi whispered, the conviction of her promise behind her words. “I want to marry you more than anything.” Deeks slipped the ring onto her finger once more and several people cheered around them, the faint sound of camera shutters clicking as she joined him on the floor.

***

“Well, thank god we have that mess sorted out,” Hetty said with a sigh as they all watched Kensi and Deeks kissing on screen.

“Do you think we should maybe turn the feed off? Give them some privacy?” Eric suggested.

“They’re in the middle of a crowded airport,” Callen pointed out. “Privacy is kind of a moot point right now.

“What would you have done if they hadn’t worked things out?” Nell asked. Sam and Callen has given them a very abridged version of events, not knowing the full story themselves.

“Consoled Kensi,” Callen answered.

“Knocked some sense into Deeks,” Sam added.

“Or give them both a firm kick in the behind,” Hetty suggested.

“Aw, I didn’t realize you were that invested in their relationship,” Sam teased.

“I’m not. But I already ordered their wedding present and don’t feel like paying shipping charges again.” She couldn’t quite contain her satisfied smile though as she watched Kensi and Deeks stand and leave the airport, hand-in-hand.

***

A/N: I have never been inside an airport, let alone LAX, so I’m kind of making half this up.

Thanks for the prompt!

#ncis la fanfiction #densi #post mexico #sam hanna #g callen #hetty lange #nell jones #eric beale #angst #anonymous prompt #au #ejzah fanfiction

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imagine-loki · 4 years

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Pride and Prejudice

TITLE: Pride and Prejudice CHAPTER NO./ONE SHOT: Chapter 51 AUTHOR: wolfpawn

ORIGINAL IMAGINE: Imagine Loki was raised on Jotunheim as Laufey’s son after the war, but an agreement was then made that he would wed Odin’s daughter so Odin could secure the alliance of Jotunheim through the marriage. Loki, in turn, was raised to be king of Jotunheim, but how he views Asgard is far different from how Odin’s daughter is raised leading to a clash of cultures as well as uncertainty between the pair of betrothed youths. RATING: Mature NOTES/WARNINGS: Forced Marriage, not all fun and games. My first real step back into the Loki scene in over a year.

I literally have this written with over a week and just as a tab on my computer but I suffer from ITS, Idiotic Thoughts Syndrome which makes me really mentally weird and my mind tells me no one likes my stuff, I just had a few people message me over the last day about this telling me they love it which forced me to feel like I am letting them down if I don’t post it which, by the way, is sometimes the best way to motivate my shitty ass, so yeah, it needs saying, if you like this, please let me know, it actually gets me to upload new chapters. I have some written, so…yeah.

Tags - @skulliebythesea @asimovethroughthisworld @blackcherry26-blog @we-shadowhunter2901

Ella watched her parents’ faces for their reaction, both were worryingly neutral.

“Are you even physically able to healthily carry a child so soon after everything?” Frigga asked worriedly.

“He is perfectly healthy, his seidr interacts with mine. I have checked his growth throughout with mine, he is perfectly healthy, perhaps even a little big for a first child. He has more of the Aesir side of his genes build.” Ella was proud to declare.

Loki frowned slightly. He didn’t realise she had been noting such in their son. He thought of the lithe natural physique of the Jotnar, he had never thought that adding a different type of physique to the genes would alter the appearance of their child. He thought of how it would alter how their child would look. He clearly would have Jotnar markings, he also preferred the cold. Loki didn’t know if his son’s skin would be the same as his, but if he was robustly built as Thor and Odin were, it would be interesting. He did not know what to think about that.

“He?” Frigga frowned. “How could you know that?” “Mother, you are an incredible seidr wielder but you never really pushed yourself as much as you should.”

Frigga frowned at her daughter’s words. She looked over at Odin, startled by his knowing face. “You knew this?” In truth, Frigga was slightly hurt that Ella had not informed her of this news earlier.

“I suspected such when sensed it through Gungnir. It...He has a different wave to Ella. I don’t think he will be as powerful but he most certainly has seidr of his own.” There was clear pride in Odin’s face for both being right in his suspicions and at knowing his grandchild was showing blatant Odin-line attributes.

Frigga could not argue that. She thought their daughter had informed Odin and not her, which had hurt her deeply. Seeing that instead, it was the use of Gungnir that made him suspect it, she was no longer as hurt. When she looked at Ella again, she could see her daughter seemed somewhat unsure of what to think of their reaction, the manner that Loki was looking at Ella telling her that he too was uncertain as what to think and wondering if he should try to comfort her in some manner. It was clear that the two young royals were confused by such a reaction. She swallowed slightly. “This is, of course, wonderful news.” Ella looked at her mother with scepticism blatant in her features. “My concern is for your health, it was barely over a year ago that we almost lost you, Darling. Of course our concern would be for your health and indeed that of the baby, we are just worried for you both.” She ensured to make clear.

“I just tripled the size of a palace. I think it is safe to say that if I were to be ill, I could not have done that.” Ella scoffed playfully. “I wished to tell you in our conversations but I felt it to be something worthy of a face-to-face informing.” “And we appreciate such. I fully understand your reasons for doing so, even if you hid your condition when I explicitly asked if you had any further alterations to your health.” Her mother eyed her admonishingly.

“I stated clearly that my health has been practically doubling...it’s not lying if there are two beings involved...technically...theoretically...sort of.”

“It’s not the same, Ella and well you know.” Odin’s tone was reprimanding but in a playful manner causing Ella to laugh slightly. Odin then noticed Loki’s apprehensive looks to his mother-in-law. “Don’t mind Frigga, she simply feels she shouldn’t be old enough to be a grandmother.” He dismissed. “But it is entirely to be expected and to be celebrated. No wonder Laufey is so confident to relieve himself of the reins, so to speak. Jotunheim has a good future to look forward to.” he nodded to his daughter. “I solemnly hope that little fellow does not give you the same trouble you gave us, be it with your health or mischief.”

“The latter I can take. It would be the Norns revenge for my previous behaviour.” Ella retorted back playfully. She found her hand going to her stomach on referencing her son within.

“If you were to be given a son to mimic your persona...forget Norns have mercy, the realms in their entirety have mercy.” Odin chuckled. “Jotunheim truly is in good hands. So long as that child has even a modicum of your combined attributes towards leadership, then Jotunheim will truly prosper.”

Loki did not know what to think at Odin’s statement. To hear the Aesir king, a man that left no uncertainty at his want to hurt Loki for what he did to his daughter not very long before, speak of him in such a flattering manner startled him beyond words.

“With the difference in gestations between Jotnar and Aesir, how long before our grandchild arrives?” It was clear that after the initial shock and concern about Ella’s health, Frigga was somewhat excited with regards the idea of there being a baby.

“Everything seems to be at the rate of an Aesir and Vanir pregnancy. So all things going to plan, he will arrive in seven months,” Ella was proud to declare.

“So soon?” Frigga was startled by such news.

Ella rose to her feet and removed her cloak revealing her somewhat protruding stomach to her parents.

Odin merely nodded slightly. “Wonderful. Praise the Norns we are told now and not at the beginning, the waiting can be something bothersome.”

“It’s different here, Loki was bothered I did not tell him before he left.”

“Knowing them to be carrying and going to war does no good.” Odin shook his head at Loki, looking him in the eye as he spoke. “I spent more of my time worrying about if Frigga could flee as she grew heavier with Ella than I did worrying about myself. With Thor being so young and Ella being so bothersome, it was something I worried about no end. On Alfheim, your focus was more on the task at hand.”

Loki nodded silently. He personally disagreed with that statement but it was subjective so there was no reason in telling the old king that he did not share his sentiments. Though, it did show him why Ella had not thought to tell him before his going. He was only grateful that through it all, their child had been growing and the date of his arrival grew closer.

The talking after that remained reasonably pleasant, if not slightly boring. Loki and Ella were regaled with the going-ons of Asgard, the vast majority of which Loki thought to be entirely mundane, though he noted that Ella listened intently, adding to the conversation every so often, often on a matter she had learnt of in her youth that her parents had not been aware of. So too was there talk of the requirements for the readying for the coronation. With Laufey still alive, it was somewhat different from anything that Asgard had planned for Thor’s coronation but that did not stop there being areas that her parents were able to assist in them readying. Frigga offered her assistance behind the scenes, recognising that many, especially the mates of Laufey’s other sons would feel it an intrusion and to keep the idea of meddling on the part of Asgard to a minimum. Both Loki and Ella informed the Aesir royals of the sentiment that some had with regards Loki, his heritage, his lineage, the marriage and Ella within Jotunheim’s court. Both nodded and gave suggestions on the matter and gave their sympathies to both youths for what they were being forced to endure by the ignorant older in society.

“I too felt as they did,” Odin admitted. “I thought the occupants of the other realm to be somewhat beneath me. Monsters. Inferior in most manners, without getting to know them. But I can see the error of my thoughts. I was wrong and I will admit so, but not all can. Some cannot see past what they believe to be fact when in truth, fact is rarely present in their thinking and even if they were presented with the facts, they would ignore them anyway and state them to be lies. This little fellow will be more Vanir than Jotnar or Aesir and will no doubt look mostly Jotnar due to the more dominant genes of the Jotnar. He will be raised here, as a Jotnar, who knows his other heritage and will be surrounded by the Jotnar way of life but that will never be enough for them. They want only purity. But there is no purity, not without imperfection. I read of this family in Midgard, royals, so closely related that they were without fertility and had every manner of genetic error within their bloodline, Norns, but the thought. It was not even that long ago and I recall saying it to the kings of different realms in our talks and we stated it there and then, that a varied bloodline is a better one. This little fellow, he has so much royal lineage but his mixtures will allow him good strength. Look at Thor and Ella, strong and healthy, bar of course, when she is the only one with the ability to harm her. That blade sliced her side, I have seen fully grown, fully trained Einherjar fall to less and she was no more than six hundred and with blood staining her clothes, she continued to fight using her seidr, not even looking to see where she was hit. No haemophiliac Midgardian royal could do that.” Odin’s chest swole slightly at pride in his daughter’s strength.

Loki looked to Ella curiously. “Haemophilia is blood issues. Some with them cannot clot wounds, they would die from bleeding from something we would not even see as much because the wound would never be able to heal.” She explained.

Loki shuddered at the thought. He found himself thinking of how Odin had seen the Jotnar as a species. He was insulted deeply by the comments but he paused and also considered his own earlier thoughts on the Aesir. He remembered how he dismissed them as cruel, especially considering their young but he realised through it all that the

Aesir truly did care for their child. Odin left his realm and rushed to Jotunheim to his daughter, he did not even seem to concern himself with the needs of the realm, he never even asked who dealt with Asgard in the Allfather’s absence. Had he even thought to put someone else in charge? Loki did not know. He had thought them monsters and he too was wrong. Looking to his mate beside him, he was relieved that he had learnt such, it allowed him to enjoy her fully as a mate.

After a time, there was a knock on the door before Ella used her seidr to open it. Thor strutted in with a smile. “Why am I never invited to these family discussions?” “They’re not family discussions, they are me talking with our parents because I now live in a foreign realm so I do not get to talk to them face-to-face too often and I want to. If it was an actual family discussion, you would have been informed of such to begin with.”

Thor could only make a head gesture in agreement, knowing this was true. He looked at Ella in an analytical manner for a moment, his eyes coming to her stomach before getting himself a drink and sitting down.

“You knew about this?” Frigga stared at Thor in shock, her hand gesturing to Ella’s stomach.

Thor nodded before taking a drink. “When I came to ask for Loki’s help, she spoke of some concerns she had for him for a moment, asking me to keep an eye on him. Whilst we were speaking, she voiced her concerns on other matters also, including fear for something happening while he was not here, especially and I am not able to recall the sentence verbatim but she referenced that she feared someone would hurt Loki and his line, while she unknowingly seemed to be touching her stomach. All this did not require an overly able mind to comprehend.” Thor looked at his family proudly before their startled faces made him scoff. “I am more astute than I am given credit for.” he shook his head before taking another drink. “I apologise to you Loki, for not saying anything to you on Alfheim but I gathered from your lack of saying anything with regards to it meant that you did not know.” He looked at Loki as he spoke. “Though with how long these things take, it’s best to not know for so long. I feel like I know forever. When is my niece or nephew due?”

“Your nephew is due in seven months,” Ella informed him.

“Nephew?” Thor smiled at the idea. “Well, that’s part of that agreement dealt with already, so that’s good, but Norns have mercy if he has your mischief.” He quibbed.

Loki felt slightly odd at the reference to the requirement of sons, something he still disliked.

#loki #other #submission #Submitted fic #chapter 51 #wolfpawn #Pride and Prejudice

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riceccakes · 3 years

Text

Earth, Wind, and Coffee: Chapter Two Analysis

chapter one analysis

welcome back to another installment !! idk if many people are reading this, but i enjoy analyzing my writing so i’m gonna keep doing it :) let’s get started, shall we?

some fun stuff before we start!

the first scene i wrote for this story was the dock scene

usually, when i write, i kind of just start with whatever is the first thing that comes to mind. i’d had the bulk of the story outline in my head, not written yet, but i knew i wanted this reveal about the red lotus attack. so i started with it and wrote as far as i could before deciding i should start the beginning of the fic. most of the original content is there, with some stuff added on, but i took a turn from my dialogue as it didn’t fit the narrative of the story anymore (well get to this point in a later chapter analysis, don’t worry)

not me being heavily inspired by LOVE WITCH by bisexualyoda

around the time that i started this fic and was really writing for it, i found this story on ao3 and literally read whatever chapters were out at that time in a day. it was a story that also influenced me to write in asami’s pov, as a majority of the story is from hers. (this isn’t the only reason tho, but bisexualyoda is a writing god and what else could i do but try to honor them?) it’s a stellar korrasami fic that you should read if you haven’t yet and if you haven’t yet, what are you doing, please go enjoy that masterpiece

and into the chapter we shall go:

i kinda thought it was cool to play off this idea of a barista who can’t sleep but it’s not because of the coffee like you’d expect.

now, being a diehard korrasami fan, i knew i wanted to apply this to my girls. and, i knew from the get-go i wanted korrasami to meet as if it were more book four, where korra has gone through something really terrible and asami is a really good friend who’s there for her. so i thought it might be cool to put the two together and korra is a barista who can’t sleep. then it was getting to what exactly the trauma was that korra experienced. i didn’t want anything as severe as what korra went through in the series (our poor girl was wrongfully put through the wringer for four seasons) but i wanted something that would stick with her and still haunt her, even after a period of time. my favorite book is book three and i loved the red lotus antagonists, so i played around with their concept and turned it into what’s in the story. i was really pleased when i came up with this and only made some minor changes (i had originally explicitly given korra insomnia. i decided to change this and keep it more ambiguous because i didn’t want to inaccurately describe insomnia and somehow offend anyone who does experience it, i hate doing that) and then i was set to really start the fic.

more about povs:

so, when i first started writing this fic, the idea of multiple povs was an option. in the end, i chose only asami, for a number of reasons, but mostly for one in particular

just like asami, i wanted you guys to gradually learn about korra’s situation. sure, i could’ve went through korra’s pov and been all secret secret about it, but something about that idea doesn’t sit well with me. i liked the idea of gradual connection and in turn concern. i sprinkled some little stuff here and there, to hint that something’s up, but i feel like that’s the hook for you lil fishies to grasp onto. even in that very dock scene, i don’t give it to you right away; i dance around it, just like korra does by talking about tenzin and the temple and i mention the water and korra’s jacket and anything but the reason why korra’s called asami at 2 in the morning to come see her. this kind of tension, this kind of urgency to know what’s going on, i just don’t think would’ve been achieved had i had alternating povs.

something i really love about this chapter is how the first section and third section ends

Makeshift Boardrooms ends with korra being a complete angel and going above and beyond for asami and this presentation:

Asami is speechless. Inside, the tables and chairs have been set up as if it’s a long boardroom, fit with the donuts in the center of the table no one can ever reach. At the far end, a projector screen is set up and a loading screen is displayed on it. Asami stares at the girl, unsure of how to convey how appreciative she is for the gesture.

“Korra…”

“I know,” she quickly speaks up, her fingers behind her back fidgeting even faster, “it’s a lot, but I thought you should get the best kind of practice! And, we hosted a movie night here a while back, I wasn’t sure if Tenzin left all the equipment here but I found it all in one of the cabinets in his office and I,” she’s looking at the ground now, “is it all right?”

“All right?” Asami questions, truly confused as to how Korra could say such a thing. She reaches out, slowly, gently, placing her hand on Korra. The girl’s hands fall to her sides, Asami’s fingertips slowly linger down from the bundled fabric of Korra’s rolled up sleeve to her forearm.

now, A Turn of Events ends like how we know:

Asami falls back onto the couch, ill prepared for the unexpected burst. Korra continues huffing, gasping for air, clutching at her chest and running a hand through her hair. Asami reaches out again and that’s when Korra flinches again. She starts to sob.

“Korra…”

“Get out!”

Asami sits, staring. She isn’t sure if she heard right or not. Korra begins shaking, sobbing inconsolably. Asami just wants to reach out.

“Get. Out!”

Asami grabs her things and rushes towards the door, taking one final glance behind her shoulder. Korra’s hands cover her face, her body flinches and shakes, her sobs ring loudly in Asami’s ears.

In between each desperate gasp for air, she can hear Korra whisper, “Please, please, stop, stop, please, stop, please.”

Asami feels her heart sink and she opens the door to leave.

i’ve bolded what i love most. it was actually unintentional, i’d only noticed after i finished the chapter and was reading through to edit, but it’s kind of beautiful, bittersweet even. there are parallels here, some less noticeable than others, but parallels nonetheless. the lingering of korra’s name is direct and the events after are strikingly different but in a way connected. in Makeshift Boardrooms, after the mention of her name, korra is sputtering word after word. in A Turn of Events, after the mention of her name, korra only says two words. it’s two sides of the same coin, showing how korra is unfortunately spiraling out and losing control of what’s going on with her. typing it out is kind of hurting me, seeing how korra’s in pain, but im the author and i know what happens later so i shouldn’t worry too much.

now getting onto asami in this section, still, the lingering of korra’s name is the most noticeable parallel. but, in Makeshift Boardroom, after korra responds, asami reassures the girl with physical touch, she’s able to reach out to her. in A Turn of Events, after korra responds, asami doesn’t react, she doesn’t know how to. korra’s in front of her, clearly in pain, and she just yelled at asami, and still asami just wants to reach out to her. once again, unintentional that this happened, but sometimes it’s the unexpected things that turn out for the best. the diction i have here, in repeating the word reach, i think it just further drives home how heartbreaking this chapter’s turned out to be. (shout out to the section title, cause things really did take a turn here) it had all seemed so good, korra was opening up to asami, they were getting closer, and then all of a sudden BAM korra has a panic attack and in a moment of utter fear, she pushes away asami. i know i put angst in the ao3 tags, but now going over it as the author, i see my angst has really gone above and beyond, but hey, i really liked how this chapter turned out

honorable mentions:

in LOVE WITCH, asami and kuvira are basically besties and i loved the idea of their friendship and i wanted to have a go at it myself! finding kuvira’s place in the story, however, was a lil tough to navigate, but when i came up with the bodyguard idea, i really liked it. i hope you guys do too :))

idk if you guys noticed but outside formal fic/writing settings, i pretty much only type in lowercase. however, i do type in complete sentences and the only abbreviation i really use is idk so don’t mind me lowkey projecting onto korra here. anyways, i know most phones have the default setting for texts to be first word already uppercase. i have mine turned off but figured korra would have hers on cause 1) she prefers it this way and 2) even if she wanted to turn it off, she doesn’t know how to. plus, i liked the idea of her enjoying emoticons better than emojis. i love emojis but i always do a lil sideways smiley ( :) ) and to me it’s super cute and i’m sure korra would see it the same way

the end of this chapter is not what i had first intended! truth be told, i didn’t know what exactly was going to happen at the end of the chapter, but i knew what would happen after it, i just needed a bridge. in my og timeline, i had a couple different options: the one i almost went through with was asami suggesting they move into together (which is admittedly super soon and super fast so like, it would scare off korra), another was something intimate that would still scare korra off (this one wasn’t too elaborated on, perhaps a forehead touch, or super close faces, idk. obviously this doesn’t happen, but it had been in consideration), i’d actually even considered something physical, but that was quickly cut off the list, as that is NOT how i wanted this story to go. anyways, because of how this chapter ended, the whole rest of the story changed and i couldn’t be happier.

anything i would’ve wanted to change?

im still super self conscious about the length but at the same time, also not, idk how to describe it. anyways, i think what i actually would’ve liked is keeping something from the Home Life section i took out. when i first wrote it, asami actually had a desk mate and he was flamboyant and sassy and i loved him. looking back now, i would’ve loved to have kept him and the scene with him, but i took it out cause i was scared the chapter was too long. after reading everyone’s comments though, about how they don’t care how long chapters are/longer chapters are better, i gave myself some more slack with the last chapters. his name was ryuichi, rip ryuichi

surprise epilogue is out now too, so enjoy the rest of the fic! if you have any questions, feel free to ask :)))

#earth wind and coffee #coffee shop au #chapter analysis #writing analysis #korrasami #korrasami fic #korra #asami sato #lok #ricewrites

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wolfpawn · 4 years

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Pride and Prejudice, Chapter 51

Story Summary - Based on an idea I had that I submitted to Imagine Loki. Imagine Loki was raised on Jotunheim as Laufey’s son after the war, but an agreement was then made that he would wed Odin’s daughter so Odin could secure the alliance of Jotunheim through the marriage. Loki, in turn, was raised to be king of Jotunheim, but how he views Asgard is far different from how Odin’s daughter is raised leading to a clash of cultures as well as uncertainty between the pair of betrothed youths.

Chapter Summary - The Aesir royal family come to Jotunheim to assist in readying for the coronation.

Previous Chapter

Tags - @peppermint-j @damalseer @perpetual-fangirl @tinchentitri @inspired-snowflace @raphaelaisabella @alexakeyloveloki @caffiend-queen @devilbat @nonsensicalobsessions @skulliebythesea @majoringinlife @salempoe @lotus-eyedindiangoddess @rookienumber98 @ivytoh @agarwaeneth @rosierossette @arch-venus25 @nessamaurice @winterisakiller @black-ninja-blade

Request if you wish to be tagged

NOTES - I literally have this written with over a week and just as a tab on my computer but I suffer from ITS, Idiotic Thoughts Syndrome which makes me really mentally weird and my mind tells me no one likes my stuff, I just had a few people message me over the last day about this telling me they love it which forced me to feel like I am letting them down if I don't post it which, by the way, is sometimes the best way to motivate my shitty ass, so yeah, it needs saying, if you like this, please let me know, it actually gets me to upload new chapters. I have some written, so...yeah.

Ella watched her parents’ faces for their reaction, both were worryingly neutral.

“Are you even physically able to healthily carry a child so soon after everything?” Frigga asked worriedly.

“He?” Frigga frowned. “How could you know that?” “Mother, you are an incredible seidr wielder but you never really pushed yourself as much as you should.”

“I stated clearly that my health has been practically doubling...it’s not lying if there are two beings involved...technically...theoretically...sort of.”

“The latter I can take. It would be the Norns revenge for my previous behaviour.” Ella retorted back playfully. She found her hand going to her stomach on referencing her son within.

“Everything seems to be at the rate of an Aesir and Vanir pregnancy. So all things going to plan, he will arrive in seven months,” Ella was proud to declare.

“So soon?” Frigga was startled by such news.

Ella rose to her feet and removed her cloak revealing her somewhat protruding stomach to her parents.

Odin merely nodded slightly. “Wonderful. Praise the Norns we are told now and not at the beginning, the waiting can be something bothersome.”

“It’s different here, Loki was bothered I did not tell him before he left.”

“You knew about this?” Frigga stared at Thor in shock, her hand gesturing to Ella’s stomach.

“Your nephew is due in seven months,” Ella informed him.

“Nephew?” Thor smiled at the idea. “Well, that’s part of that agreement dealt with already, so that’s good, but Norns have mercy if he has your mischief.” He quibbed.

Loki felt slightly odd at the reference to the requirement of sons, something he still disliked.

#loki fic #wolfpawn #chapter 51 #Pride and Prejudice

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shesey · 3 years

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Wintering by Katherine May

“Wintering is a season in the cold. It is a fallow period in life when you’re cut off from the world, feeling rejected, sidelined, blocked from progress, or cast into the role of an outsider. Perhaps it results from an illness; perhaps from a life event such as a bereavement or the birth of a child; perhaps it comes from a humiliation or failure. Perhaps you’re in a period of transition, and have temporarily fallen between two worlds. Some winterings creep upon us more slowly, accompanying the protracted death of a relationship, the gradual ratcheting up of caring responsibilities as our parents age, the drip-drip-drip of lost confidence. Some are appallingly sudden, like discovering one day that your skills are considered obsolete, the company you worked for has gone bankrupt, or your partner is in love with someone new. However it arrives, wintering is usually involuntary, lonely, and deeply painful. Yet it is also inevitable. We like to imagine that it’s possible for life to be one eternal summer, and that we have uniquely failed to achieve that for ourselves.” “Plants and animals don’t fight the winter; they don’t pretend it’s not happening and attempt to carry on living the same lives that they lived in the summer. They prepare. They adapt. They perform extraordinary acts of metamorphosis to get them through. Winter is a time of withdrawing from the world, maximizing scant resources, carrying out acts of brutal efficiency and vanishing from sight; but that’s where the transformation occurs. Winter is not the death of the life cycle, but its crucible. Once we stop wishing it were summer, winter can be a glorious season when the world takes on a sparse beauty, and even the pavements sparkle. It’s a time for reflection and recuperation, for slow replenishment, for putting your house in order.” “That’s what humans do: we make and remake our stories, abandoning the ones that no longer fit and trying on new ones for size.” “In the changing room later, I experience a different kind of warmth: the nakedness of a dozen women, all unashamed. These aren’t the posing bodies you find on the beach, dieted beyond al joy to be bikini-ready, and tanned as an act of disguise. These are northern bodies, slack-bottomed and dimpling, with unruly pubic hair and the scars of hysterectomies, chattering companionably in a language I don’t understand. They are a glimpse of life yet to come: a message of survival, passed on through the generations. It’s a message I rarely find in my buttoned-up home country, and I think about the times I’ve suffered silent furies at the treacheries of my own body, imagining them to be unique.” “Ghost stories may be a part of the terror of Halloween, but our love of ghost stories betrays a far more fragile desire: that we do not fade so easily from this life.” “Winter has decorated ordinary life. Some days, everything sparkles.” “You realize that no one is what they look like, on the surface. Everybody has their dose of suffering; it’s just more hidden in some than in others.” “I think about this a lot, she says, the needle breaks the fabric in order to repair it. You can’t have one without the other.” “In the absence of sunlight, it would be too costly to maintain the machinery of growth.” “I’m fairly certain that my decision not to have a second child rests squarely on my worship of sleep.” “I have nothing to show for my forty-odd years on this earth, except for a pile of dusty books.” “4am. The ego flares like a struck match: bright, blue, fleeting. I am thankful to be alone when this happens, to let it burn out in private. We should sometimes be grateful for the solitudes of night, of a winter. They save us from displaying our worse selves to the waking world.” “Certainty is a dead space in which there’s no more room to grow. Wavering is painful. I’m glad to be travelling between the two.” “Sometimes writing is a race against your own mind, as your hand labours to keep up with the flood tide of your thoughts, and I feel that most acutely at night, when there are no competing demands on my attention. That slightly sleepy, dazed state erods the barriers of my waking brain.” “I can confess all my sins to a piece of paper, with no one to censor it.” “Our personal winters are so often accompanies by insomnia, but perhaps we are still drawn towards that unique space of intimacy and contemplation, darkness, and silence, without really knowing what we’re seeking. Perhaps, after all, we are being urged towards our own comfort.” “Lucy is a symbol of absolute faith and utter purity, but the sins for which she suffers are not her own. Instead, she shoulders the weight of the male gaze, and is destroyed by it.” “Some winters creep up on us so slowly that they have infiltrated every part of our lives before we truly feel them.” “We felt broken into pieces, but at the same time, never so loved.” “We changed our focus away from pushing through with normal life, and towards making a new one. When everything is broken, everything is also up for grabs. That’s the gift of winter: it’s irresistible. Change will happen in its wake, whether we like it or not. We can come out of it wearing a different coat.” “I could have stood there and cried on the spot, just knowing that I wasn’t alone.” “I felt accepted in a way that I hand’t for months.” “This isn’t just an unkind attitude, it does us harm, because it stops us from learning that disaster happens, and how to adapt when it does. It stops us from reaching out to people who are suffering. And, when our own disaster comes, it forces us into a humiliated retreat, as we try to hunt down mistakes that we never made in the first place.” “I simply had no defence against the changes that were happening in my life.” “Life never does quite offer us those simply happy endings. I often that that it’s all part of my own craving: the moral clarity of cause and effect, reward and punishment for my actions. A map for living that renders everything explicable.” “All her desires were for elemental things: love, a little comfort, the society of interesting people. Everyday life is so often isolated, dreary, and lonely. A little craving is understandable. A little craving might actually be the rallying cry for survival.” “I love the inconvenience [of snow] the same way that I can sneakingly love a bad cold: the irresistible disruption to mundane life, forcing you to stop for a while and step outside of your normal habits.” “In autumn, the male drones are sacrificed because they’re no longer of any use, and would otherwise just be hungry mounts to feed.” “Our lives take different shapes: we do not work in a linear progression through fixed roles like the honeybee. We are not consistently useful to the world at large. We talk about the complexity of the hive, but human societies are infinitely more complex, full of choices and mistakes, periods of glory and seasons of utter despair. Some of us make highly visible, elaborate contributions to the whole; some of us are just part of the ticking mechanics of the world, the incremental wealth of small gestures. All of it matters. All of it weaves the wider fabric that binds us.” “We may sometimes drift through years in which we feel like a negative presence in the world, but we come back again, not only restored, but bringing more than we brought before: more wisdom, more compassion, a greater capacity to reach deep into our roots and know that we will find water.” “Usefulness, in itself, is a useless concept when it comes to humans. I don’t think we were ever meant to think about others in terms of their use to us.” “We flourish on caring, on doling out love.” “Winter is a time for the quiet arts of making: for knitting and sewing, baking and simmering, repairing and restoring our homes.” “We sing because it fills our lungs with nourishing air, and lets our heart soar with the notes we let out. We sing because it allows us to speak of love and loss, delight and desire, all encoded in lyrics that let us pretend that those feelings are not quite ours.” “As I walk, I remind myself ot the words of Alan Watts: ‘To hold your breath is to lose your breath.’ In The Wisdom of Insecurity, Watts makes a case that always convinces me, but which I always seem to forget: that life is, by nature, uncontrollable. That we should stop trying to finalize our comfort and security somehow, and instead find a radical acceptance of the endless, unpredictable change that is the very essence of this life. Our suffering, he says, comes from the fight we put up against this fundamental truth: ‘Running away from fear is fear, fighting pain is pain, trying to be brave is being scared. If the mind is in pain, the mind is in pain. The thinker has no other form than his thought. There is no escape.” “The future, to which we devote so much of our brainpower, is an unstable element, entirely unknowable.” “When we endlessly ruminate in these distant times, we miss extraordinary things in the present moment. They are, in actual fact, all we have: the here and now; the direct perception of our senses.” “I’m beginning to think that unhappiness is one of the simple things in life: a pure, basic emotion to be respected, if not savoured. I would never dream of suggesting that we should wallow in misery, or shrink from doing everything we can to alleviate it; but I do think it’s instructive. After all, unhappiness has a function: it tells us that something is going wrong. If we don’t allow ourselves the fundamental honesty of our own sadness, then we miss an important cue to adapt. We seem to be living in an age when we’re bombarded with entreaties to be happy, but we’re suffering from an avalanche of depression; we’re urged to stop sweating the small stuff, and yet we’re chronically anxious. I often wonder if these are just normal feelings that become monstrous when they’re denied. A great deal of life will always suck. There will be moments when we’re riding high, and moments when we can’t bear to get out of bed. Both are normal. Both, in fact, require a little perspective.” “We need friends who wince along with our pain, who tolerate our gloom, and who allow us to be weak for a while when we’re finding our feet again. We need people who acknowledge that we can’t always hang on in there; that sometimes, everything breaks.” “I recognized winter. I saw it coming (a mile off, since you ask), and I looked it in the eye,. I greeted it, and let it in. I had some tricks up my sleeve, you see. I’ve learned them the hard way. When I started feeling the drag of winter, I began to treat myself like a favoured child: with kindness and love. I assumed my needs were reasonable, and that my feelings were signals of something important.” “We tend to imagine that our lives are linear, but they are in fact cyclical. I would not, or course, seek to deny that we grow gradually older, but while doing so, we pass through phases of good health and ill, of optimism and deep doubt, of freedom and constraint.”

#winter #books #quotes #katherine may

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mostlysignssomeportents · 4 years

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Pluralistic: 16 Mar 2020 (Trump wants a US-only vaccine, Covid at Home, tips for laid-off techies, Tiktok's secret moderation guidelines, Corona Bar Mitzvah, Shmoocon 2020 videos)

Today's links

Covid At Home: A guide for isolation, illness and recovery

Trump wants a US-only vaccine: Reality has a well-known globalist/collectivist bias.

Folding@Home to beat covid: 23 distcomp projects to give your CPU to.

Italian hospitals fix their ventilators with 3D printed parts: Fablabs to the rescue.

How to prepare for coming layoffs: A guide for techies junior, senior and prickly.

Leaked Tiktok moderation guidelines are a censoring mess: No poors or ugly people welcome.

Canceled Bar Mitzvah is still a mitzvah: Today I am a mensch.

Shmoocon 2020 videos online: Hours of entertainment and infosec funnies.

This day in history:

Colophon: Recent publications, current writing projects, upcoming appearances, current reading

Covid At Home (permalink)

Dutch hacker and XS4ALL cofounder Rop Gonggrijp and artist Vera Wilde have produced Covid At Home, an open-access guide to staying healthy, treating illness, and general pandemic preparedness.

https://covid-at-home.info/ It's an excellent, sober, accessible guide, produced with help from medical professionals.

They're seeking help to translate it into other languages as well. German edition coming next.

Trump wants a US-only vaccine (permalink)

The Trump administration has offered "large sums" to a German manufacturer for US-only access to a potential covid-19 vaccine

https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2020/mar/15/trump-offers-large-sums-for-exclusive-access-to-coronavirus-vaccine

According to Die Welt, Curevac has made progress on the vaccine, and the Trump admin is seeking access "but for the US only."

The company's recently departed CEO, Daniel Menichella, is a US citizen who recently visited the White House.

The Trump administration's failure to understand our shared collective microbial destiny is emblematic. Trump epitomizes the neoliberal sociopathy of "enlightened self-interest" and "meritocracy" and the belief that "there is no such thing as society." It's a pathology as dangerous as any virus, and could yet kill us all. Immunizing America against coronavirus only works if

The vaccine is perfect (they never are) and

The US blocks all entry into the country by unvaccinated people (which it cannot do).

Instead of figuring out how to orient 100% of US capacity to producing enough vaccine to eliminate the virus worldwide, Trump is engaged in isolationist, superstitious fantasies.

https://twitter.com/doctorow/status/1238180609899429889

Within hours, Curvac had told Trump to go fuck himself and announced that any vaccine they produce will be available worldwide.

https://twitter.com/SWRAktuellBW/status/1239225432739844097

Folding@Home to beat covid (permalink)

Since the year 2000 (!), Folding@Home has been harnessing the power of idle personal computers to do scientific work on protein folding, using donated cycles to improve science. Now they're running 23 (!!) projects to help improve our scientific understanding of covid-19.

"We're simulating the dynamics of COVID-19 proteins to hunt for new therapeutic opportunities."

They've already used this to locate sites in the Ebola protein that can be targeted by therapeutics.

https://foldingathome.org/2020/03/15/coronavirus-what-were-doing-and-how-you-can-help-in-simple-terms/

Download your Folding@Home client here (Mac/Win/Lin)

https://foldingathome.org/start-folding/

Then choose your simulation from here. Be prepared to wait for your computer to be given work – they're overwhelmed with cycles at the moment.

https://apps.foldingathome.org/psummary

Italian hospitals fix their ventilators with 3D printed parts (permalink)

A Brescia hospital urgenty needed valves for their ventilators. A journalist contacted the local Fablab, who contacted a local 3D printing expert who came to the hospital, redesigned the part, and printed a replacement on the spot.

https://www.3dprintingmedia.network/covid-19-3d-printed-valve-for-reanimation-device/

Within a day, 10 patients were breathing with respirators incorporating 3D printed parts.

How to prepare for coming layoffs (permalink)

It's not outlandish to prepare for a recession (and hence layoffs) as a result of Covid-19. And while techies have a robust labor-market relative to other sectors, tech-workers are not immune from mass layoffs when their employers contract sharply or shut down altogether.

Jacob Kaplan-Moss has been here before and has some tips for techies to prepare for unemployment. He points out that the highest layoff risk comes to juniors (unprotected and easy to jettison), seniors (highest paid), and prickly people (politically easier to lay off) and underperformers (obvs).

https://jacobian.org/2020/mar/13/layoffs-are-coming/

How do you prep for layoffs? First, try to have 1 year's savings in the bank (advice from the 2000 dotcom crash). You probably can't do this, but start saving now. Cancel all nonessential expenses.

Next, update your resume. When layoffs start cascading, being ready to start applying for jobs can give you a head-start over your competition.

Kaplan-Moss suggests setting aside an hour every quarter to update your CV – this is good advice generally, as you never know when someone will ask for your resume (periodically I have to produce one for a visa or a grant, for example).

Practice interviews, using online resources, like this one:

https://eng-hiring.18f.gov/

In addition, contact your "professional network" and start feeling them out;Tb and brush up on your tech skills.

Leaked Tiktok moderation guidelines are a censoring mess (permalink)

There's a lot going on in The Intercept's deep dive into two leaked set of moderation guidelines from Bytedance, parent company of Tiktok, ably reported (as ever) by Sam Biddle.

https://theintercept.com/2020/03/16/tiktok-app-moderators-users-discrimination/

First is a confirmaton of Tiktok's policy of telling moderators to downrank videos from unattractive, fat, old or poor people, and signs of poverty. Homes need to have "no obvious slummy charactor" (sic), without a "crack on the wall" or "old and disreputable decorations."

The reasoning is clear "This kind of environment is not that suitable for new users for being less fancy and appealing" (overweight, poor, old or unattractive users lower the tone). Tiktok spox Josh Gartner said these were to prevent bullying, (but they don't mention bullying).

The leaks are pretty frank about their ableism and lookism, banning "low quality" traits including "abnormal body shape," "ugly facial looks," dwarfism, "obvious beer belly," "too many wrinkles," and "eye disorders."

They also ban "slums, rural fields" and "dilapidated housing."

The flipside of this is that Tiktok mods secretly contacting influencers to clue them in on secret moderation criteria that might get them downranked or banned, creating a group of insiders who are protected from the arbitrary, shadow regulation regime other Tiktokers never see.

That shadow regime is documented in a second set of leaks, which details the subjects and views that can get you kicked, suspended or downranked from the platform. Anything that embarrasses or upsets China is obviously out, like Falun Gong or Tiananmen.

Beyond that, livestreams of encounters with cops, videos that criticize the military, or criticism Tiktok itself are all lifetime bannable offenses – while racism and hate speech get you a one-month suspension.

Also revealed: Tiktok has a bunch of fake accounts maintained by its own staff, who gank influencer videos from Instagram that look classy and fun, as a way of shifting the content mix on the platform.

But even as these accounts were focusing on tags like "#BeachGirl," actual Tiktok users who posted pictures of themselves in swimwear faced temporary or permanent bans.

(You can get a permanent ban for wearing a garment that reveals "outline of female nipples").

There's also a "voice vulgarity" category of guidelines, including bans for "Singing or playing music pornography contents, sexual cues, etc," or "discussing the topic of sexual reproduction." You can also get banned for flipping the bird – but only if you do it more than twice.

Tiktok's appeal is that they use secret sauce to elevate accounts with few followers and share them with millions of viewers. The legend is that this is a way to rocket the humble but meretricious to fame, but the leaks reveal that no olds, fats, or poors need apply.

Canceled Bar Mitzvah is still a mitzvah (permalink)

A heartwarming story of "Covered Dish" behavior in the time of coronavirus! "Friends canceled their son's Bar Mitzvah this weekend but decided to keep the contract with their caterer, a tiny Hmong-owned business. They delivered the food to friends in quarantine & sent pans home with others."

https://twitter.com/mrotzie/status/1239249970458484736

(Image: Eli, CC BY)

Shmoocon 2020 videos online (permalink)

It's been years since I last attended a Shmoocon, but holy moly, is it ever a great annual infosec con. They've just put the 2020 videos online, which affords you plenty of viewing for your lockdown pleasure.

You might have already heard about Samantha Mosely's presentation about how she and her teen friends defeat Instagram's privacy invasions:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WTCBEimhXMM

Here's some gnarly stuff: securing satellites and space-base comms, presented by three researchers styling themselves Yakko, Wakko and Dot (swoon!).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WR_H9_pnyDc

Feed your inner technothriller writer with this one, on "anti-forensics" ("the practice of modifying or removing data so that others cannot find it later during an investigation").

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eSmsiSvvAQs

How NGOs – and you at home – can use "open source intelligence" to help support human rights and survivors of human rights abuses.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRzGiR4DS7w

A Choose-Your-Own-Adventure guide to surviving ransomware attacks, using data gleaned from real attacks and recoveries.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkNFUQrg_GA

Analyzing the effects of 200 data-breaches on public companies' share prices (shareholder capitalism won't save us from overcollection, overretention and bad security).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PdxiwpACwYc

This day in history (permalink)

#15yrsago Apple steals iTunes customers' paid-for rights to stream https://web.archive.org/web/20050405225837/http://www.theinquirer.net/?article=21866

#15yrago My talk from ETECH: All Complex Ecosystems Have Parasites https://craphound.com/complexecosystems.txt

#15yrsago ETECH Notes: Folksonomy, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Mess (Schachter, Wales, Shirky and Butterfield) https://craphound.com/etech2005-folksonomy.txt

#15yrsago ETECH Notes: Feral Robotics and Some Other Quacking, Shaking, Bubbling Robots (Natalie Jeremijenko) https://craphound.com/etech05-feral.txt

#10yrsago Downloadable 3D cover for MAKERS is now also an article of commerce https://www.shapeways.com/product/Z55YYHW5P/cory-doctorow-makers-cover-3d-print

Colophon (permalink)

Today's top sources: Geoff MacDougall (https://twitter.com/taliesan), Bleeping Computer (https://www.bleepingcomputer.com), Javier Candiera (https://twitter.com/candeira), Four Short Links (https://www.oreilly.com/feed/four-short-links), Naked Capitalism (https://nakedcapitalism.com/).

Currently writing: I've just finished rewrites on a short story, "The Canadian Miracle," for MIT Tech Review. It's a story set in the world of my next novel, "The Lost Cause," a post-GND novel about truth and reconciliation. I've also just completed "Baby Twitter," a piece of design fiction also set in The Lost Cause's prehistory, for a British think-tank. I'm getting geared up to start work on the novel next.

Currently reading: Just started Lauren Beukes's forthcoming Afterland: it's Y the Last Man plus plus, and two chapters in, it's amazeballs. Last month, I finished Andrea Bernstein's "American Oligarchs"; it's a magnificent history of the Kushner and Trump families, showing how they cheated, stole and lied their way into power. I'm getting really into Anna Weiner's memoir about tech, "Uncanny Valley." I just loaded Matt Stoller's "Goliath" onto my underwater MP3 player and I'm listening to it as I swim laps.

Latest podcast: When Sysadmins Ruled the Earth https://craphound.com/podcast/2020/03/13/when-sysadmins-ruled-the-earth-2/

Upcoming books: "Poesy the Monster Slayer" (Jul 2020), a picture book about monsters, bedtime, gender, and kicking ass. Pre-order here: https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781626723627?utm_source=socialmedia&utm_medium=socialpost&utm_term=na-poesycorypreorder&utm_content=na-preorder-buynow&utm_campaign=9781626723627

(we're having a launch for it in Burbank on July 11 at Dark Delicacies and you can get me AND Poesy to sign it and Dark Del will ship it to the monster kids in your life in time for the release date).

"Attack Surface": The third Little Brother book, Oct 20, 2020. https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781250757531

"Little Brother/Homeland": A reissue omnibus edition with a new introduction by Edward Snowden: https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781250774583

#pluralistic

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ihaveonlymydreams · 5 years

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If you’ve ever put off an important task by, say, alphabetizing your spice drawer, you know it wouldn’t be fair to describe yourself as lazy.

After all, alphabetizing requires focus and effort — and hey, maybe you even went the extra mile to wipe down each bottle before putting it back. And it’s not like you’re hanging out with friends or watching Netflix. You’re cleaning — something your parents would be proud of! This isn’t laziness or bad time management. This is procrastination.

If procrastination isn’t about laziness, then what is it about?

Etymologically, “procrastination” is derived from the Latin verb procrastinare — to put off until tomorrow. But it’s more than just voluntarily delaying. Procrastination is also derived from the ancient Greek word akrasia — doing something against our better judgment.

“It’s self-harm,” said Dr. Piers Steel, a professor of motivational psychology at the University of Calgary and the author of “The Procrastination Equation: How to Stop Putting Things Off and Start Getting Stuff Done.”

That self-awareness is a key part of why procrastinating makes us feel so rotten. When we procrastinate, we’re not only aware that we’re avoiding the task in question, but also that doing so is probably a bad idea. And yet, we do it anyway.

“This is why we say that procrastination is essentially irrational,” said Dr. Fuschia Sirois, professor of psychology at the University of Sheffield. “It doesn’t make sense to do something you know is going to have negative consequences.”

She added: “People engage in this irrational cycle of chronic procrastination because of an inability to manage negative moods around a task.”

Wait. We procrastinate because of bad moods?

In short: yes.

Procrastination isn’t a unique character flaw or a mysterious curse on your ability to manage time, but a way of coping with challenging emotions and negative moods induced by certain tasks — boredom, anxiety, insecurity, frustration, resentment, self-doubt and beyond.

“Procrastination is an emotion regulation problem, not a time management problem,” said Dr. Tim Pychyl, professor of psychology and member of the Procrastination Research Group at Carleton University in Ottawa.

In a 2013 study, Dr. Pychyl and Dr. Sirois found that procrastination can be understood as “the primacy of short-term mood repair … over the longer-term pursuit of intended actions.” Put simply, procrastination is about being more focused on “the immediate urgency of managing negative moods” than getting on with the task, Dr. Sirois said.

The particular nature of our aversion depends on the given task or situation. It may be due to something inherently unpleasant about the task itself — having to clean a dirty bathroom or organizing a long, boring spreadsheet for your boss. But it might also result from deeper feelings related to the task, such as self-doubt, low self-esteem, anxiety or insecurity. Staring at a blank document, you might be thinking, I’m not smart enough to write this. Even if I am, what will people think of it? Writing is so hard. What if I do a bad job?

All of this can lead us to think that putting the document aside and cleaning that spice drawer instead is a pretty good idea.

But, of course, this only compounds the negative associations we have with the task, and those feelings will still be there whenever we come back to it, along with increased stress and anxiety, feelings of low self-esteem and self-blame.

In fact, there’s an entire body of research dedicated to the ruminative, self-blaming thoughts many of us tend to have in the wake of procrastination, which are known as “procrastinatory cognitions.” The thoughts we have about procrastination typically exacerbate our distress and stress, which contribute to further procrastination, Dr. Sirois said.

But the momentary relief we feel when procrastinating is actually what makes the cycle especially vicious. In the immediate present, putting off a task provides relief — “you’ve been rewarded for procrastinating,” Dr. Sirois said. And we know from basic behaviorism that when we’re rewarded for something, we tend to do it again. This is precisely why procrastination tends not to be a one-off behavior, but a cycle, one that easily becomes a chronic habit.

Over time, chronic procrastination has not only productivity costs, but measurably destructive effects on our mental and physical health, including chronic stress, general psychological distress and low life satisfaction, symptoms of depression and anxiety, poor health behaviors, chronic illness and even hypertension and cardiovascular disease.

But I thought we procrastinate to feel better?

If it seems ironic that we procrastinate to avoid negative feelings, but end up feeling even worse, that’s because it is. And once again, we have evolution to thank.

Procrastination is a perfect example of present bias, our hard-wired tendency to prioritize short-term needs ahead of long-term ones.

“We really weren’t designed to think ahead into the further future because we needed to focus on providing for ourselves in the here and now,” said psychologist Dr. Hal Hershfield, a professor of marketing at the U.C.L.A. Anderson School of Management.

Dr. Hershfield’s research has shown that, on a neural level, we perceive our “future selves” more like strangers than as parts of ourselves. When we procrastinate, parts of our brains actually think that the tasks we’re putting off — and the accompanying negative feelings that await us on the other side — are somebody else’s problem.

To make things worse, we’re even less able to make thoughtful, future-oriented decisions in the midst of stress. When faced with a task that makes us feel anxious or insecure, the amygdala — the “threat detector” part of the brain — perceives that task as a genuine threat, in this case to our self-esteem or well-being. Even if we intellectually recognize that putting off the task will create more stress for ourselves in the future, our brains are still wired to be more concerned with removing the threat in the present. Researchers call this “amygdala hijack.”

Unfortunately, we can’t just tell ourselves to stop procrastinating. And despite the prevalence of “productivity hacks,” focusing on the question of how to get more work done doesn’t address the root cause of procrastination.

O.K. How do we get to the root cause of procrastination?

We must realize that, at its core, procrastination is about emotions, not productivity. The solution doesn’t involve downloading a time management app or learning new strategies for self-control. It has to do with managing our emotions in a new way.

“Our brains are always looking for relative rewards. If we have a habit loop around procrastination but we haven’t found a better reward, our brain is just going to keep doing it over and over until we give it something better to do,” said psychiatrist and neuroscientist Dr. Judson Brewer, Director of Research and Innovation at Brown University’s Mindfulness Center.

To rewire any habit, we have to give our brains what Dr. Brewer called the “Bigger Better Offer” or “B.B.O.”

In the case of procrastination, we have to find a better reward than avoidance — one that can relieve our challenging feelings in the present moment without causing harm to our future selves. The difficulty with breaking the addiction to procrastination in particular is that there is an infinite number of potential substitute actions that would still be forms of procrastination, Dr. Brewer said. That’s why the solution must therefore be internal, and not dependent on anything but ourselves.

One option is to forgive yourself in the moments you procrastinate. In a 2010 study, researchers found that students who were able to forgive themselves for procrastinating when studying for a first exam ended up procrastinating less when studying for their next exam. They concluded that self-forgiveness supported productivity by allowing “the individual to move past their maladaptive behavior and focus on the upcoming examination without the burden of past acts.”

Another tactic is the related practice of self-compassion, which is treating ourselves with kindness and understanding in the face of our mistakes and failures. In a 2012 study examining the relationship between stress, self-compassion and procrastination, Dr. Sirois found that procrastinators tend to have high stress and low self-compassion, suggesting that self-compassion provides “a buffer against negative reactions to self-relevant events.”

In fact, several studies show that self-compassion supports motivation and personal growth. Not only does it decrease psychological distress, which we now know is a primary culprit for procrastination, it also actively boosts motivation, enhances feelings of self-worth and fosters positive emotions like optimism, wisdom, curiosity and personal initiative. Best of all, self-compassion doesn’t require anything external — just a commitment to meeting your challenges with greater acceptance and kindness rather than rumination and regret.

That may be easier said than done, but try to reframe the task by considering a positive aspect of it. Perhaps you remind yourself of a time you did something similar and it turned out O.K. Or maybe you think about the beneficial outcome of completing the task. What might your boss or partner say when you show them your finished work? How will you feel about yourself?

What are some other, healthier ways to manage the feelings that typically trigger procrastination?

Cultivate curiosity: If you’re feeling tempted to procrastinate, bring your attention to the sensations arising in your mind and body. What feelings are eliciting your temptation? Where do you feel them in your body? What do they remind you of? What happens to the thought of procrastinating as you observe it? Does it intensify? Dissipate? Cause other emotions to arise? How are the sensations in your body shifting as you continue to rest your awareness on them?

Consider the next action: This is different than the age-old advice to break up a task you’re tempted to avoid into bite-sized chunks. According to Dr. Pychyl, focusing only on the “next action” helps calm our nerves, and it allows for what Dr. Pychyl called “a layer of self-deception.” At the start of a given task, you can consider the next action as a mere possibility, as if you were method acting: “What’s the next action I’d take on this if I were going to do it, even though I’m not?” Maybe you would open your email. Or perhaps you would put the date at the top of your document. Don’t wait to be in the mood to do a certain task. “Motivation follows action. Get started, and you’ll find your motivation follows,” Dr. Pychyl said.

Make your temptations more inconvenient: It’s still easier to change our circumstances than ourselves, said Gretchen Rubin, author of “Better Than Before: What I Learned About Making and Breaking Habits.” According to Ms. Rubin, we can take what we know about procrastination and “use it to our advantage” by placing obstacles between ourselves and our temptations to induce a certain degree of frustration or anxiety. If you compulsively check social media, delete those apps from your phone or “give yourself a really complicated password with not just five digits, but 12,” Ms. Rubin said. By doing this, you’re adding friction to the procrastination cycle and making the reward value of your temptation less immediate.

On the other side of the coin, Ms. Rubin also suggested that we make the things we want to do as easy as possible for ourselves. If you want to go to the gym before work but you’re not a morning person, sleep in your exercise clothes. “Try to remove every, every, every roadblock,” Ms. Rubin said.

Still, procrastination is deeply existential, as it raises questions about individual agency and how we want to spend our time as opposed to how we actually do. But it’s also a reminder of our commonality — we’re all vulnerable to painful feelings, and most of us just want to be happy with the choices we make.

Now go finish up alphabetizing that spice drawer before it becomes your next procrastination albatross.

#Long post #This is important

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dimancheetoile · 5 years

Text

Flowers bloom at daylight

Written for ShikaSaku Week 2019 (Fall Edition) @shikasaku-week Day 1: daylight so violent also on AO3 (where all the italics isn’t lost so i suggest you read it there instead cause they play a big part in this story but reblogs are still appreciated since putting a link in this post has hidden it from search results)

i'm late. really late. but i actually have some stuff written that i prepared in advance i just need to finish them up and i can post them so don't worry too much and forgive me also please i love all of you. also this is my first hanahaki story!! yay!! revel in the shikasaku goodness while the week lasts

love to @mouseymightymarvellous, my incredible partner-in-crime and shoutout to @the-formerone for ranting with me about great stuff like shikasaku content

----------------------

The thing is, he never would have thought his laziness could possibly show even in this. When it happens, his first reaction is to snort, then followed by a laugh surprised out of him by how stupid this is aaaand that's about the moment the tears start to come him.

Because his body is apparently so lazy it couldn't even deign to cough and he instead just woke up one morning with an entire daffodil in his mouth.

He's fucking allergic to daffodil too, is the absolute irony. Gods he hates his life.

The thing is, he's never associated her with sakura blossoms. They come too quick and go too soon, they smell sweet and clean and they shower everyone in a never-ending flow of petals whenever you dare breathe in their direction. In short, they're everything she's not. She's reliable and resilient, strong and determined and more often than not, she smells of the sweat and dirt of the battlefield or the blood of the medics tents. She doesn't shower anyone in affection or attention or anything of the sort. Her affection is quiet and hardly won and her attention is precious when lives depend on her.

No, he's always associated her with daffodils, because of Ino. Because of their childhood, when the four of them used to run around together, before boys and girls became a thing, before lovers and liars were ever part of their lives, before they learned through experience that no one cares who you're fucking when you're all about to die anyway and he's been in more foursomes and moresomes than he likes to think about when he thought he was living his last day, which happened quite a lot (un)fortunately but that's not the topic here, right, because the topic is—

Before they learned that there was these things called clan separatism and hierarchy, that the three of them weren't supposed to talk to low-status, clan-less children who would become desk ninja anyway, before they learned that the only reason she ever went after the last Uchiha was because she had no parents and no support system and the desperation of knowing she would become a desk ninja with the pay to go with it made her night terrors stop featuring closet monsters and instead the days she went without lunch becoming a fixed feature of her life-to-be.

Before she ever went after the last Uchiha out of desperation and plain, simple hunger, and lost the only support system she ever had in the form of three clan heirs who didn't know the way out of the prejudice crawling out of their asses without even realising it.

Before all that, when the four of them used to run around together, Ino made her a flower crown out of daffodils and he talked about it to his father who gave him a scroll on kunoichi training which included, amongst other things that made his poor, four-year-old self want to crawl up into a closet and throw up, a section on flower meaning.

The thing is that he never associated her with sakura blossoms, and instead, she became in his mind the living embodiment of the small yellow flower.

Somehow he found it quite fitting, a few years later when he found out he was allergic to the stuff, that his body would have such an intense reaction to a flower he associated with the woman he's been in love with since reading a potentially-traumatizing scroll. Quite fitting, that he would be allergic to a flower meaning, amongst other thing, unrequited love, while associating it with a woman who stopped running after wealthy, upper-class boys for survival and instead ran after them to prove her own worth.

(though she didn't need to do that, ever, now did she, when she's always been worth the fucking world to him and he would gift her the moon if she hadn't punched its goddess right in the fucking face, wouldn't he, because she is worth so much to him he sees her in the shadows that shape his identity and he would formally present her to the forest spirits and the Shikami is she let herself be loved in the way she deserves because she is worth so much—)

The thing is, he woke up one day with a daffodil between his lips and laughed until he cried and sobbed until he choked on petals and

haven't we established the irony of the situation

she appears on his windowsill like the fucking goddess that she is and founds him in a pool of petals, flowers, tears and blood and doesn't even blink before crouching next to him and saving his life.

The thing is, Hanahaki is a misunderstood, poorly researched, rarely cured disease that no one really bothered to look into because not only does it mostly happen to civilians (and we all know how the Konoha Administration feel about civilians) but the few shinobi who happen to suffer from it are strictly male and they are the expendable, replaceable bunch in the shinobi hierarchy and on top of being such a rare condition, the Konoha medical system is fucked up beyond recognition, has been ever since Tsunade fucked off the first time and even after she came back and revolutionized everything to the fuck off again leaving everything to—

The point is, it's rare and medics had more important shit to do, when there were medics at all in the Konoha hospital besides civilian healthcare providers, than find a cure for Hanahaki when there was, you know, a literally war going on.

So no one knows how it works, why it starts, why it only touches males, why flowers, why deadly, why it sometimes goes away without the love being requited, why it sometimes happens for platonic feelings, why

actually

yeah, why?

Why does Hanahaki take one look at Haruno Sakura-sensei, Titan Sakura, Godslayer, Sannin, Minister of Public and Shinobi Health in the newly elected (and honestly he still can't believe they managed to make pull this shit off) Konoha Government, and decides that attempting to save his life counts as requited love, is a very good question.

That he's obviously not going to ask, duh.

The thing is, he might not have grown out of being a lazy fuck, but he absolutely has grown out of being a coward. Hearing your father dying sometimes does that to a person.

Which is why, still lying on the floor in a pool of petals, flowers, tears and blood, his abs still aching from the laughter and his eyes still burning from the weeping and his lungs still aching from the disease and his mouth still tasting like flowers, he says:

"I'm in love with you."

which, granted, doesn't make for the greatest conversation opener but he might possibly maybe be going into shock so

"Yeah, I gathered," she replies faintly, looking ghostly and about to pass out.

"Sorry I scared you with the deadly, incurable illness. I had only been aware of it for two minutes when you came in." He looks at her face, mapping it quickly. She doesn't look very awake. "...why did you came in, by the way?"

Her voice is shaking, and still very faint. "So it turns out waking up coughing leaves from the Nara forest oaks makes for a powerful excuse to barge into one's window at five in the morning."

He'll concede her point.

wait what

“I love you, too?” she offers, looking terrified and unsure and about the most incredible person in existence.

The thing is, sometimes he only pretends to be lazy. Which is why he kisses her first.

#shikasakuweek #shikasaku-week #shikasaku #shikamaru nara #sakura haruno #my writing

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subserviiient · 4 years

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no surprise: atsushi/anzu

Relationship meme: accepting

where they first met and how: Atushi and Anzu have numerous paths of which their first meeting could have went, in ways that could be exciting and full of adventure, or rather mundane and passive- rather than a big chaotic event targeting her school by an ability user, it was instead a more passive meeting. Upon seeing him nervously looking around, clearly lost, the producer had approached the detective and asked him if he needed directions.

how long their ‘flirting’ phase was before feelings got involved: Flirting? More like mutual support and caring for the other one- however, with such a genuine bond between them- I’d say the feelings begin to stem within a few months, although, Anzu and Atsushi don’t realise they have said feelings until much longer due to the very nature of their feelings being based off such a friendship.

who fell for who first ( if applicable ): Anzu. It’s rare anyone wants her beyond her use, and yet Atsushi seems to care more for the person than what she can do for him, and eventually she becomes so attached to him that she can’t really deny that she has these feelings because how could she? It’s way too obvious for her to deny it...to herself at least. She’ll deny it to everyone else until she’s ready.

where their first date was and what it was like: I can see them both being confused about what to do for a date, Anzu’s never thought about them too closely and Atsushi still has no idea how they managed to get on one in the first place. Though, they soon decide to simply go out to eat and watch a movie afterwards, which Anzu insisted on paying on, and while it was awkward at first, it soon became pretty normal to them. They went out for Chazuke and then Anzu suggested a horror movie.

who asks who out and how ( with a sign? spelled out on a cake? just a simple ‘will you go out with me’? ): Anzu. She’s very blunt about it, both so that he knows she’s asking him on one ( because Anzu herself struggles to tell the difference between someone asking her to hang out or go on a date ) and to get rejected, but he instead accepts- after a while of awkward silence on both of their parts and Anzu straight up internally screaming at herself for asking.

who proposes first: .....Hard to say, I’d say Anzu’s more likely than Atsushi. She’s the more bold about it, but even if he’s rather blunt about wanting to marry her before she considers proposing to him.

if they keep / kept their relationship secret or let everyone know right away: Both of them decided to keep it secret for a while simply because they had no idea how to tell people you’re dating someone, or when you should bring it up but they came out about it pretty soon.

where the proposal happens and how ( kiss cam at a baseball game? on a hillside surrounded by ducks? at a disney park? ): Anzu doesn’t want to make it a public proposal, as she doesn’t want him to feel pressured to say yes- rather the producer plans for them to have a date and as soon as night hits, she takes him to a less populated area, like a park- and gets down on one knee.

if they adopt any pets together: Bro, they have Akinari, but if Atsushi suggests adopting a cat, or any other animal? Anzu will gladly do so, jokingly dubbing whatever animal they get their “Son” or “Daughter” which flusters the detective greatly.

who’s more dominant: ...Hard to say? I think it switches depending on who’s feeling more bold with their affections that day.

where their first kiss was and what it was like: Honestly? I think it was when Anzu decided to visit her boyfriend in the ADA to bring him lunch on one of her very rare breaks, passing him his lunch which he went to take, only to trip and well, accidentally kiss her. Both of them were already flustered by the mistake, but considering Ranpo, Yosano and Dazai were present, they only got more flustered by their teasing.

if they have any matching couples stuff ( mugs? sweaters? pillowcases? ): Well, I can’t see them actively matching things, but occasionally they’ll buy the same copy of something because the other one suggested that it was useful, or comfortable.

how into pda they are: They’re not the most into PDA, but they do hold hands, especially if the streets are busy- and they do have the occasional hug in public, especially if there was a broadcast showing he did something dangerous and she happened to catch it. He’ll be tugged into a tight hug regardless of who’s around to watch.

who holds the umbrella when it rains: Atsushi, he’s the taller one so he’s the man for the job- and they do have to walk closer when they’re under it, as they both called the other one out for trying to give them more space and getting their clothes wet because of it. Though, sometimes Anzu will shove her umbrella at him and go running into the rain so he can have it all the way home. He’ll normally tell her off for it later.

where their usual ‘date spot’ is ( if applicable ): They probably go to the arcade and fast food places more often than not, Anzu is determined to show Atsushi each game in the arcade, and they both need some nice food after the stress they go through.

who’s more protective: Both are equally very protective of the other, with Anzu not taking any slander to Atsushi lightly and getting ready to fight anyone who speaks ill of him, but Atsushi is more physically protective of the producer, she may be capable of fighting off delinquents, but she’s no match for an ability user and she is pretty gullible.

how long it is before they sleep together ( can be as in ‘had sex’ or as in ‘shared a bed’ ): Anzu invites him over to her house to sleepover fairly quickly, actually, because she quite likes having sleepovers and doesn’t quite get why people would find it odd, and she insists he takes her bed and she the floor, the debate goes on for a while until they both decide to share the bed. The...sexual side of things takes a while longer due to her not wanting to have Takehiro around to hear them and because it flusters them both greatly, but at the end of the day, the hormones give out.

if they argue about anything: “Take care of yourself!” is a frequent statement in their arguments, it’s hard to grasp that she’s not a tool to be used of and it’s hard for him to take care of himself when there’s so much at stake but other smaller arguments come from Anzu insisting she’s going to pay for everything.

who leaves more marks ( lipstick, hickeys, scratchmarks etc. ): Anzu and Atsushi both leave a lot of marks- and they both immediately panic because they have work the next day and how are they going to cover it up when Anzu doesn’t wear makeup?!

who steals whose clothes and how often: ...Anzu, although she does offer him her skirts up rather frequently, is normally the one picking up Atsushi’s clothes and putting them on- although she does get embarrassed when he catches her moving her hand to watch his glove move.

how they cuddle ( spooning? facing each other? ): They change it up rather frequently, although normally one of them lays down on the sofa and the other one crashes on top of them, which leads in them wrapping their arms around each other and the one on top to nuzzle their face into the other’s chest.

what their favourite nonsexual activity is: They like having the rare days in, where they’ll have a coffee or tea and talk to each other, it’s nice to be away from paperwork or serious threats for a while and just unwind for a bit. She usually runs her fingers through his hair as they talk.

how long they stay mad at each other: Depends what it is! If it’s a serious argument, they can stay mad at each other for a long time, if not, it’s over and done with relatively quickly.

what their usual coffee / tea orders are: Black coffee with three shots of espresso and extra coffee is the thing that keeps Anzu most sane throughout her days, while Atsushi normally goes for a less life threatening kind of coffee, should he order one. Though he normally gets a green tea.

if they ever have any children together: Twins. So many twins. Anzu swears they’re cursed to have only twins when they reproduce, but they also adopt! Anzu jokes about adopting twins and Atsushi astral projects at the mere idea of more twins entering his household.

if they have any special pet names for each other: Sushi. Anzu calls him Sushi, both as a way to tease him and show how important he is to her, she rarely gives nicknames- far preferring to use people’s first names but for him? Sushi. Atsushi simply refers to her as Kobayashi-san.

if they ever split up and / or get back together: I can’t see them being on and off sort of people, so I’d opt for a no.

what their shared living space is like ( messy? clean? what kind of decor? ): Atsushi gets to move in with Anzu, and he finds that Anzu’s house is normally so clean it hardly looks lived in- besides her room, where her table is a cluttered mess of cans that once contained her energy drinks, a ton of paper piled up but bed sheets that looked like they were in an ad, instead of being used. She tells him that he can buy anything he wants, and even offers her mom’s credit card, telling him to go wild- he doesn’t go wild but buys a few things that caught his interest with enough prodding.

what their first christmas / hanukkah / etc as a couple was like: Anzu invites Atsushi over to her house so she can give him cookies and some food she made before she takes his hand and declares that she’s got a live to show him. For once, she sits in the audience seats and has him watch the show with her. She’s going to make sure he has a good day, even if it kills her.

what their names are in each other’s phones: Sushi-kun with a sushi emoji and a blue heart emoji, with his simply being Kobayashi-san although she typed a (;・・;) on there when they first exchanged numbers. He does not know how to get rid of it and she thinks it’s too funny to tell him.

if they have any ‘couple traditions’ ( buying a new mug for their collection every year? baking every friday evening? ): Pointing to tigers when they appear in media and going ‘it’s you’, they have lunch together every Tuesday and Atsushi drags her ass off for designated nap time.

who falls asleep first and who wakes up first: Atsushi falls asleep first, she wakes up first.

who’s the big spoon / little spoon: Big spoon? Usually Anzu, while the little spoon is normally Atsushi! They do swap places from time to time though!

who hogs the bathroom: Neither?

who kills the spiders / takes them outside: Anzu leaves them be and Atsushi takes them outside.

#cut for length!#madamhatter

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news4dzhozhar · 5 years

Text

When Solitary Confinement Is A Death Sentence

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/solitary-confinement-suicide-prison-teens_n_5d63f4d3e4b01d7b529317aa

Their friendship began on July 17, 2014, with whispered secrets shared through the vent in the wall that separated their cells.

Jessica Burlew remembers the exact date because she’d turned 17 the day before, the same day that Mariam Abdullah, then 16 and about to be charged as an adult with armed robbery, had been brought to Estrella Jail in Phoenix, Arizona.

When Abdullah arrived, shackled and belly chained, in the closed custody unit, where girls deemed incorrigible were held in their cells for 23 hours a day, Burlew had been there for about six months. In that time, Burlew said she hadn’t had any contact with other teens and so was glad to hear Abdullah’s voice.

“I very much did consider Mariam a birthday present,” Burlew, now 22, wrote from Perryville Prison in Goodyear, Arizona, where she is serving a 10-year sentence.

Over the months they were held in isolation, speaking through that vent, Burlew and Abdullah shared the things that teenagers do.

Abdullah’s favorite color was red. She wanted to be a firefighter. Her favorite musical artist was Drake.

She was silly, rambunctious and seemingly carefree. Still, the isolation wore on her.

For the next two years, Abdullah spent much of her time separated from others, both to discipline her for what was classified as unruly behavior and to prevent her from harming herself. After she was transferred to Perryville in July 2015, she was in and out of solitary confinement in the minors unit for various infractions. Just after she turned 18, she was transferred to the Lumley Unit, the most restrictive unit in the prison where offenders were confined in their cells 23 hours a day, with one hour of recreation spent in a cage under the searing Arizona sun. When she was not in her assigned cell, Abdullah was in suicide watch cells, where again she was alone. Officers more than once carried her there by force.

After another woman in the prison, Cynthia Apkaw, died by suicide in August 2015, Abdullah wrote in a letter to a friend: “To be honest with you being here makes me feel like that but I just havent acted on it yet.”

On July 19, 2016, she did. A handwritten poem found in her cell after her death read in part:

In this place is a struggle for her

She’s alive but not living

She’s feeling everything, feeling nothing

Tired of existing and longing to join

Those who truly know peace

The dead.

HuffPost examined some 200 documents, videos and photographs from Abdullah’s time behind bars, interviewed 16 people who knew her and reviewed her letters and other writings for this account of her life and death in isolation.

The almost 2.2 million people in correctional facilities in the United States are often amongst the most vulnerable, with troubles — mental illness, addiction, social disenfranchisement — that put them at a high risk of suicide before they even enter a cell. Incarceration exacerbates these problems; isolation makes a bad situation worse.

“So much of who we are and how we function is implicitly dependent on interaction with other people. It’s such a natural part of human life that it’s almost as second nature as breathing,” said Craig Haney, professor at the University of California, Santa Cruz and an expert on the impact of solitary confinement. “When all of that stuff is taken away, it’s destabilizing, psychologically unsettling, in a very profound way.”

Self-harm and suicide rates in some state and federal correctional facilities have risen dramatically in recent years, an issue most recently highlighted by the death of financier Jeffrey Epstein, whose body was found in a federal facility in New York on Aug. 10. Shortly before his death, Epstein, who was awaiting trial on charges of sex trafficking, had been moved from suicide watch to a special housing unit.

Mental health experts and advocates say that the use of solitary confinement is a factor in many cases of suicide. The most recent nationwide data released by the federal Bureau of Justice Statistics shows that prisoner deaths by suicide in state prisons increased roughly 30% between 2013 and 2014 — from 192 to 249 deaths.

At least 61,000 prisoners are in some form of isolation — generally understood as being held in a cell 22 or more hours per day, for an average of 15 or more consecutive days — in facilities across the country, according to a survey done by the Association of State Correctional Administrators and the Liman Center for Public Interest Law.

That reflects a drop nationwide, but the one statistic doesn’t provide a full picture of what is happening in individual states.

An excerpt from a letter by Mariam Abdullah written behind bars.(HuffPost)

Arizona, where Abdullah died, is tied for sixth highest in its use of solitary confinement. It has also seen an uptick in the number of suicides and instances of self-harm. During the fiscal year in which Abdullah killed herself, six prisoners died by suicide in Arizona prisons. In fiscal year 2018, there were seven suicides and 708 recorded instances of self-harm. For the last three-quarters of fiscal year 2019, after the state changed how it documented these events, there were six suicides, 87 suicide attempts and 1,406 non-suicidal instances of self-harm in the average daily population of about 42,000 inmates. A spokesperson from the Arizona Department of Corrections said the significant increase in instances of self-harm from 2018 to 2019 was in part because the department has “implemented a new method of data collection that dramatically improved the quality and level of information gathered and reported.”

There were two more suicides announced by the department last month — one on July 2, at Perryville, and another on July 22, at the Tucson facility.

In 2016, 40% of “long term secure facilities” reported locking youth in seclusion for at least four hours to “regain control of unruly behavior,” according to the U.S. Census Bureau’s Juvenile Residential Facility Census. In the same year, 21% of all juvenile residential facilities also reported locking youth in their rooms when they were deemed suicidal. The American Correctional Association, a nonprofit trade group that accredits correctional facilities, issued standards in 2018 that include banning the use of isolation beyond 30 days for minors and people with serious mental illness “unless there is an immediate and present danger to others,” but it’s not clear whether those standards have had any effect.

And while there are generally limits on the amount of time minors can be isolated in juvenile facilities, if they are charged as adults, then they are typically subject to the rules of the adult facility.

Correctional facilities isolate people to punish them for behavioral issues or to prevent them from harming themselves or being harmed by others. But even when the isolation is purportedly for the person’s own good, experts say that being alone for 23 hours a day in a concrete cell typically smaller than a parking space takes a toll.

At Perryville, women “on watch” are initially stripped of their clothes, dressed in a short smock, and left in a bare cell where corrections officers either watch them continuously or do checks at 10- or 30-minute intervals, according to interviews with currently and formerly incarcerated women and a former Perryville mental health professional.

“They’re alone with their own thoughts, some of which may be negative, depressing,” Haney said. “There’s little to alleviate it. They begin to become depressed. Somebody who’s already depressed gets more depressed than they were before they went in.”

Isolation is a thread that ran through Abdullah’s life from early childhood.

At age 9, she, her mother Suhad, and three siblings fled their home in Iraq and moved to Tucson. At that point, she’d already experienced significant trauma. In an essay she wrote while in jail, she described having to “hide out” during the war “or else I would have died.” When she was 6, her father was beheaded — Abdullah said it was a robbery, but family friends suggest it was because he was assisting Americans during the war.

In Tucson, Abdullah was bullied because she was from Iraq and didn’t speak English. Her mother worked long hours to support her children, but Suhad’s absence left Abdullah feeling like she had no one to whom she could turn.

“I hated myself,” Abdullah wrote in the essay. “I had no friends. I don’t understand why.”

In middle school, she decided it was better to be the bully than to be bullied. She began fighting, taking drugs and running away from home, and, according to friends, she joined a gang. The tough demeanor was a façade to mask loneliness and pain. “I always run and fight, assault, bully, steal, do drugs, have sex, go to jail to forget about all the pain. I have so much hurt and no one can see,” Abdullah wrote. It caused a rift with her mother because it was not in keeping with what was expected of a good Muslim girl.

She wanted to make her mom happy.Reina Hernandez, a friend of Abdullah’s

Child Protective Services eventually removed Abdullah because they felt her mother couldn’t control her, according to Corene Kendrick, an attorney at the Prison Law Office, a nonprofit public interest law firm based in Berkeley, California. Abdullah wound up a ward of the state, living in group homes.

“The trajectory of Mariam’s life, as her mother described it to me, was just a classic [case] of how systems fail children who have serious mental health needs or serious trauma,” said Kendrick, who first met Abdullah in May 2016 when she was in solitary confinement in Perryville’s minors unit.

On May 6, 2013, the state sent Abdullah to the Adobe Mountain School, a juvenile detention center, for a parole violation involving truancy from a group home, taking drugs and skipping school. She’d been there just 18 days when she was sent to the separation unit. She was isolated for only an hour and a half the first time — a hearing is required to hold youth for longer than 24 hours — but over the next year, Abdullah was isolated 83 times, because she was deemed a danger either to herself or to others. The longest she was held in isolation, according to Adobe Mountain records, was one day, 22 hours and 32 minutes.

She’d been out of Adobe Mountain and back in a group home for about a month when she ran away and committed the crime — she lured a man to a location where her boyfriend robbed him at gunpoint — for which she was sent to Estrella Jail and charged as an adult.

Like Burlew, Reina Hernandez met Abdullah through a vent.

Hernandez, now 22, was in general population at Estrella, and Abdullah would call out to Hernandez and the other girls while she was taking her shower during the hour out of her cell. At times, Abdullah was released from closed custody and joined them in general population. They watched television, though there were only three channels — sports, weather and the Food Network.

They made their own makeup by mixing shavings from coloring pencils with gel and shampoo. Abdullah would braid their hair and thread their eyebrows. When Hernandez shaved off her eyebrows, thinking it would make them grow in thicker, Abdullah did the same, as a joke.

“She was always making us laugh,” Hernandez said.

Abdullah was a bundle of contradictions. She was jocular but angry. She was small with a softness to her, in both the lines of her face and her natural disposition, but did things to appear menacing. She had her boyfriend’s name — “Rey” — tattooed in large letters on the left side of her neck and was often aggressive with people she didn’t know. But with her friends, she was loyal.

“She would give you her last dollar if you were her friend,” Jasmine Flores, who was also at Estrella with Abdullah, said in a Facebook message. “And if you werent her friend she might just take it from you.” (The Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office, which runs the jail, did not respond to requests to confirm that Burlew, Hernandez and Flores were there at the same time as Abdullah, and did not answer any other questions regarding Abdullah.)

Abdullah told Hernandez and Flores that she planned to get her GED diploma. “She felt that she was the bad child, that she had made her mom suffer a lot,” Hernandez said. “She wanted to make her mom happy.”

But there were days when Abdullah didn’t seem to care much about her future or to appear bothered that she would be going to prison for several years.

“I knew she was sad about a couple things, but she always was optimistic,” Hernandez said. “She would just forget about it, you know? But maybe she bottled it up inside.”

Abdullah’s prison medical records indicate that she had been diagnosed with mood disorder, bipolar disorder and narcissistic personality disorder and that she had attempted suicide 15 times, according to court statements.

The prison classified Abdullah as “SMI” — seriously mentally ill. She should have seen a mental health clinician every 30 days and been given extra programming due to her age and mental illnesses, under the 2015 settlement agreement in Parsons v. Ryan, a class-action lawsuit in which the American Civil Liberties Union and the Prison Law Office argued that the Arizona Department of Corrections was providing inadequate medical and mental health care and maintaining inhumane conditions in isolation units.

But records show Abdullah never had one-on-one meetings with clinicians, according to court statements by Kendrick, who had access to Abdullah’s medical records as a lawyer monitoring compliance with the Parsons stipulations. (Despite the settlement, Parsons v. Ryan is an ongoing case: In June 2018, a judge issued an order of contempt against the Corrections Department for failure to comply with a number of the agreed-upon measures.)

Most of Abdullah’s encounters with mental health staff were brief exchanges to decide whether she could be removed from suicide watch cells. While in solitary confinement as a minor, Abdullah was not even given access to proper schooling, which was supposed to have taken place outside her cell with the other girls.

“She told us that her educational services consisted of the teacher coming back to the cell where she was, talking to her for a few minutes, and giving her little workbooks to do on her own,” Kendrick said.

Another excerpt from a letter sent by Mariam Abdullah.(HuffPost)

In May 2016, Kendrick found Abdullah in a cell by herself, where she said she’d been for two months. Abdullah had asked to speak with mental health staff but only received brief cell-front checks, and she indicated she’d been hallucinating, seeing jungle animals on the walls of her cell.

“She said they didn’t scare her because they kept her company,” Kendrick said. “There’s just something so profoundly sad about this young woman. She wasn’t upset or agitated. It made it even all the more profoundly affecting because she seemed so calm as she was describing these conditions that she had been put into and that she was living in that were just unconscionable.”

Two days before Abdullah’s 18th birthday, Kendrick wrote a letter to the Arizona assistant attorney general, asking that she be immediately removed from isolation and evaluated by clinic staff for potential placement in a unit that could treat her mental health conditions.

Instead, days after Abdullah turned 18, she was transferred to Lumley.

Wendy Anderson, 46, is four years into a life sentence at Perryville. As she sits on a bench outdoors in the visiting area, she pulls hand-rolled cigarettes from a clear plastic bag and burns through them, one after another, in a seamless cycle. She nervously shakes her left leg as she smokes.

The tattoo on Anderson’s left arm reads “no justice, no peace.” On her right, about an inch below the crook of her elbow, is Abdullah’s first name.

One of the stipulations in the Parsons v. Ryan settlement was that women classified SMI should be offered activities during their out-of-cell time. One such activity was an art class, and it was there, shackled to tables and coloring outlines of Disney characters with crayons, that Anderson said she first met Abdullah.

Anderson was struck that someone so young had been placed in Lumley, where those on death row and serving life sentences were also housed.

“She had a fresh face look, like a young kid,” Anderson said. “She was a minor and they just threw her to the wolves.”

Anderson considered herself Abdullah’s “jail mom.”

She tried her best to protect Abdullah from the women who harassed her, calling her “ISIS” and “bin Laden,” spitting on her and threatening to assault her.

They’re in pain to begin with, and then they get put in a painful segregation or isolation unit, they’re in even greater pain.Craig Haney, professor at the University of California, Santa Cruz

Abdullah asked to be moved to another unit, according to several women at the prison. She continued to harm herself and was frequently placed in suicide watch cells. On one occasion, when Abdullah was 17, a video recorded by prison staff shows her standing quietly defiant by a bunk bed as two women try to convince her to go to the watch cell voluntarily. She refuses, and several officers crowd around her as she presses herself into the corner where the bunk meets the wall.

“You’re not going to fight, because you’re not going to win,” an officer says.

But Abdullah fights, kicking even as officers carry her, one holding each limb, into a cell where she is cuffed and pinned down, and her clothes are cut off with shears.

While isolating someone to prevent them from harming themselves is a fine solution if there is immediate danger, being taken by force causes additional trauma. It is in essence an assault, said Haney, the expert on solitary confinement. Long-term isolation without treatment for whatever is causing the suicidal tendencies often creates a cycle.

“They’re in pain to begin with, and then they get put in a painful segregation or isolation unit, they’re in even greater pain,” Haney said.

The issue is, in part, a lack of resources: There simply aren’t enough mental health staff to properly treat prisoners. Angela Fischer worked as a psychology associate for Corizon, the nation’s largest for-profit correctional health care provider, which from March 2013 until July 2019 provided health care services for the Arizona Department of Corrections. She testified during a Parsons v. Ryan hearing that one employee was assigned to mental health assessment and intake for as many as 80 people a day and that she was often called in to assist.

In addition, corrections officers who monitor the suicide watch cells sometimes don’t do checks as frequently as they are supposed to. The Corrections Department fired 13 employees in 2016, after an investigation found that the guards had falsified logs stating they were checking on inmates with mental illnesses every 30 minutes.

On June 29, 2016, according to Corrections Department records, Abdullah told an officer she wanted to kill herself. She was put in restraints, taken for a medical assessment and placed on watch for a week.

She was placed on watch again on July 10, 2016, a little over a week before her death, after an officer noticed a bite mark on her wrist. A video shows that as a nurse phones Dr. Webster, the psychologist on duty, Abdullah sits slouched in a chair, eyes closed, looking worn. The nurse relays Webster’s instructions that Abdullah be placed on continuous watch, meaning she will be in a cell with an officer watching her 24 hours a day. But when the two male officers take her arms, she resists.

“I’m not getting up,” she says.

Though she is sitting still, an officer keeps telling Abdullah to calm down. Then he tells her to get up, and when she refuses, three male officers throw her to the ground, where she strikes her nose on the concrete floor. Blood now dripping from her nose, Abdullah is pinned down and strapped to a gurney, a dark mask is placed over her head, and she is transported to the watch cell, where she remained until July 15.

Beyond providing the videos and records concerning Abdullah’s time in prison, Corrections Department officials declined to comment for this story. In their records documenting the use of force on July 10, prison staff note several times that they “assisted” or “placed” Abdullah on the ground, using “the least amount of force” necessary.

Abdullah’s mother did not want to speak publicly about her daughter’s death, but she talked with Kendrick shortly after Abdullah died.

“She kept saying, ‘I think she was murdered. I think she was murdered,’” Kendrick recalled. “But the longer I talked to her, I think it was more metaphorical. She was murdered by being bullied and not protected and not having adequate mental health care.”

One of the last times Hernandez saw Abdullah was on the eve of Hernandez’s 18th birthday, before she was transferred at midnight to the adult side of Estrella Jail. The girls wished Hernandez happy birthday, told her they loved her and were going to miss her.

“Mariam, she gave me a big old hug,” said Hernandez. “She said, ‘I’m going to see you.’”

Abdullah said that when she was released, she was going to take Hernandez to visit her mother in Tucson. They continued to write each other after Hernandez was let out of jail.

Hernandez keeps Abdullah’s letters in a shoebox in her closet. In most of them, Abdullah sounds upbeat. There are letters with drawings: stick figures of Abdullah and Hernandez, with butterflies and hearts, and “Mariam + Reyna = together forever.” But on one postcard, Abdullah writes about how hard it is to so often be alone.

“It was solitary,” Hernandez said, as she speculated about what it was that led Abdullah to take her own life. “It was so much over a period of time — and maybe lack of communication with us, friends, family. Maybe the meds.”

Though she’d caught glimpses of Abdullah’s sadness, Hernandez still struggles to accept her suicide, especially since she was just six months away from being released.

“She was strong. This is the girl, no matter what happens, she was going to be fine,” Hernandez said, her voice trailing off. “I don’t understand, I don’t understand it, I don’t understand …”

#prisoner abuse #abolish solitary confinement #end solitary confinement #suicide #mental help #mental health #mentally ill #solitary confinement is torture #solitary confinement #solitary confinement is inhumane #prison reform #suicide watch

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