#sometimes my brain is weird

[gillianthecat]

.

Although I hadn't been particularly following Build or the Kinnporsche actors in general, that show was my entry point into BL fandom and I still see a lot about it and the actors crossing my dash. I tend not to seek out behind the scenes or "real life" information about actors (with occasional exceptions of hyper-fixations on specific people) and stay well aware that I know next to nothing about what actors and their relationships are really like, that what they show about themselves is crafted and intentional and may or may not reflect reality. And so I was slightly surprised to find myself feeling emotionally discombobulated by the news coming out about Build and Poi.

I do not know what happened, and I offer no opinions and guesses on what actually happened, and who in their circles knew what. This post is about me, not them.

I have the urge, always, to know what's happening, to seek out information, to understand the truth of the matter. I thought could stay "neutral" about this, that is, not seek out information but calmly consume what came across my dash. But I just now filtered all the relevant tags I could think of. I want to understand, but the truth is simply not available to me right now. And may never be. And while a part of me feels like it's disrespectful to the victim, whoever they maybe, to not want to know the truth of what happened, the fact is my knowing or not knowing doesn't change a thing about their lives. They don't know me, I have no power over their lives, and that is how it should be.

I think I find this upsetting for a couple reasons. First, I did like Build as an actor. He was the one in the cast who's acting I found most compelling, who seemed the most skilled to me, and I have been curious to see what he does next. So there is that feeling of loss, or worry about loss, that if these allegations turn out to be true, I will not get that. Because even if he gets to keep acting (although the climate for a relatively unknown Thai BL actor is very unlike that for someone like CK Louis so I suspect if the allegations are true he wouldn't get more work) I would not be able to watch him anymore, and so that would be a loss. And, even though I hadn't thought I'd had expectations for him as a person (and even less so after I'd heard bits and pieces about previous bad behavior of his) I am surprised to find I do have a sense of betrayal about it. He does seem like a nice guy. I do like the way he presents himself, at least in the little bits I've seen.

And of course, abuse is just unpleasant. Thinking about real people hurting each other of course is going to make me feel unhappy. In fiction, it's safely contained, there's a narrative arc, and no real people were actually harmed, so I can analyze it, get in my feelings about it. But with rumors of abuse by real people, there is no catharsis available.

And then lastly, there is the confusion of it all. They both have bad reputations in some way or other, there is evidence presented that may or may not be credible, I'm getting everything third or fourth hand and through at least one layer of translation that may or may not be accurate. Fans have strong opinions on either side, "she is a known awful person and so she must be lying," "she posted photos so he must be guilty," and I get overwhelmed by the certainty they show, the stregnth of the connection they seem to feel for these actors and writers they don't know personally.

Most of the people I follow have much more measured takes, recognizing that we (that is, everyone outside of Poi and Build and their inner circles) don't actually know what's happening, but it's only natural to have opinions and guesses about it. And I'm finding that even reading those makes me feel like I too should know what's happening, even though I don't need to and in fact it's impossible for me too. My internal tension between, believe victims, accusations are rarely lies versus everything I've read about her makes her sound like an abusive harasser versus of course that doesn't mean that she's lying and abusers can also be abused themselves versus I don't know what stories that I've read about any of them are actually true. And perhaps a few of the facts I could verify, but, as I said above, it wouldn't help me understand much more and only make me feel worse.

I was reluctant to post anything, because I don't want to add to the speculations and unfounded opinions about this, or clutter up the dashes of anyone else trying to avoid the topic altogether. But I decided for my own sake I needed to get this stuff out of my head and onto the page, so here it is. Not sure if any of the words make sense or manage to convey what I'm feeling, but at least its not rattling around in my brain poisoning my mood.

You are all welcome to come talk to me about your feelings about this news, and how it's affecting you personally, although I'd prefer not to get speculation about what happened, or opinions on who is telling the truth.

#thoughts on current fandom events #bl actors #tw abuse #this is basically a diary entry #i don't want #these tags #to show up in searches #but i do want #people to #be able to filter for them #so hopefully #burying them this far down #will allow for both those things #sometimes my brain is weird #that's just a categorization tag at this point i don't think i'm weird for thinking like this #build jakapan #boc #be on cloud #poi #kinnporsche the series #kinnporsche

[beyondthisdarkhouse]

After months of research and development and market testing and perfecting the first item I feel confident selling online, I have realized... that it is an incredibly niche item that only a specific subset of absolute nerds would want to buy, and I will have to do a ton of explaining the basic idea over and over again before people generally get what it is I'm even selling. RIP me

#this is like the time I spraypainted a bunch of screw heads gold #because I was putting up gold spraypainted shelf brackets and wanted these black screws to not stand out #and to make it easier I took a piece of thin cardboard and cut a series of Xes in it #then pushed the screws in a little bit and positioned it over the gap between boards on the back deck #and used my hammer to just plonk those screws into place so I could spraypaint them! #i felt so clever I posted a video of it #(gold spraypaint makes me feel giddy and childlike) #and everyone was like #“GIRL NO YOU CAN'T DO THAT DON'T TRY TO *HAMMER* YOUR *SCREWS* INTO A DECK!” #it took like. so much work to try to explain to people why this was a problem I wanted to solve #much less the mechanism by which i solved it #my brain is just. HIGHLY WEIRD SOMETIMES

[fungi-maestro]

Happy tdov to fat trans people. 🏳️‍⚧️ Biggest thing that helped me as a trans kid was seeing older fat trans people. There were a lot of really irritating "advice" posts going around early in my time on the internet with a lot of misinformation in them, but one that I constantly saw (in addition to people claiming you should wear your pants rediculously low or only wear button ups) were posts saying you had to lose weight to transition. Can confidently confirm that is completely untrue. 👍

#seal.txt #tdov #that 'sky and mike' image of the two old trans dudes hugging was one that I had saved to my phone as a trans teen #and i would look at it sometimes and just wonder how they had made it #idk its just nice knowing we live that long and its not a requirement to be skinnyin order to be respected and loved and get old #some of the old 'advice' posts i saw were really completely bizarre and a lot of them stick with me to this day in insecurities #this would have been 2016 ish tumblr so i know not that long ago but i would have been around 13 for reference #weird that i remember so many of the things i read back then. i could probably fill a post with things i was misinformed on due to Tumblr #specifically tumblrs run by people that i didnt really have the knowledge or awareness to understand probably didnt have my best interests #like 'trans rights ' blogs i would follow and not notice until much later were quite the opposite #this is the consequence of viewing social media before i knew all the secret codewords and my brain was much less developed than it is now

[lazycranberrydoodles]

english translation book 5 baby we are in the ‘people assuming kid form hua cheng is xie lian’s son’ era 🔥🔥🔥 / follow for more hualian silliness

#so the part of the book where kid hua cheng suddenly sits bolt upright #because he senses something in the room #and this 7 year old is just 👁️👁️ and radiating immense killing intent #hes so fucking funny 😭 #i love him being weird and strange and offputting #‘dianxia why does the high schooler that hangs around your house sometimes have glowing red eyes and know things he definitely shouldnt #and crush things into dust with his bare hands and seem to hate the sun an-‘ mind your own fucking business #drawing baby hc was so much fun i hope i do it again soon #the secret is that xie lian is JUST as deeply weird as his husband but in a less obvious and threatening manner. #guy who has to keep his internal monologue internal because he is thinking things like “wouldnt wanna get choked by those hands!” #out of every god character he is the one who seems to have changed the most from immortality #dying presumably hundreds of times and being alone for hundreds of years does something to your brain #“xiao hua why does your cultivator talk weird and wear the same clothes and eat the same food and-” HE IS AUTISTIC!!!! AND JADED BY THE #PASSAGE OF CENTURIES!!! YOULL NEVER KNOW WHICH IS WHICH!! #my art #tgcf #tian guan ci fu #hualian #hua cheng #xie lian #art #tgcf meme #mxtx #天官赐福 #lmao #hob #heaven official's blessing #the people have spoken...

[tastycitrus]

"cassandra cain is an innocent cinnamon roll who can do no wrong" incorrect. this is canon accurate cassandra cain

#cassandra cain #batgirl #thinking about the weird infantilization of cass as an innocent uwu baby that happens in fanon sometimes and uh #for some reason my brain came up with this so here you go #i drew this over the callie calamari version so i had to erase the callie pic #but it would've looked weird without a background so i uh. googled grey background and slapped that on

[kelocitta]

I'll say that I have been in some fandom with extremely impressive and dedicated artists but consistently some of my favorite artists are ones who technically make 'unimpressive' art to outright loving posting 'low effort' doodles. I love skilled work thats beautiful, but I also deeply admire a freedom from perfectionism and ambition. Sometimes those are just non-complicated but still clearly skilled works, and sometimes thats loving the wobbly simplicity of crude lines vs. rendered beauty. One of my favorite artists back when I was big into Hollow Knight was a korean artist who could absolutely make some extremely beautiful stuff, but many of the pieces I remember most and loved the most looked like this

Even here I know I mentally worked harder to make this imitation than they did for the OG. I can't draw fast and loose, and I like work that is clearly faster and looser than I can do. I envy people who can do things imperfect and carefree. Sometimes thats still very obviously skilled work, sometimes its very stupid doodles that were blatantly done in 30 seconds in mspaint. I don't think its say, disrespectful to love the doodles more than the rendered stuff said artist makes- but my love for it comes from a place that a lot of people wouldn't guess. That is to say, its hard to tell who, why, or when something you make might click with people- and it doesn't take a masterwork for someone to see something in your art as inspiration.

#t.extpost #the artist here is unnamed because they are currently privated on twitter #which is pretty common with korean artists who go on fandom hiatus #but since i dont know I'm just using a recreation #anyway I often intentionally post doodles and simple gags because of these artists #its sort of common in chinese and korean artist circles specifically #and i love it! i riff specifically on these a lot! #but its harder for me to do than you might think! and i still cant be as 'carefree' as many of these kinds of doodles are! #Its sometimes I have to force because my brain doesnt like it. but i want to foster that same free stroke quick doodling alongside my #'pretty' stuff. It sounds weird to say im inspired to try and not care and be 'lazier' but its true #i fucking love doodle artists and I wish i was them

[napping-sapphic]

NEED someone to let me pull them close and spend hours telling them all the things I love about them

#wlw #wlw mood #sapphic #sapphism #lesbian #sometimes my brain just NEEDS to compliment ya know #like i have all these thoughts about people #and how much i love little things they do #and!! i want to say it all!!! #but sometimes that’s weird!! so you can’t!!! #and it’s like ughhhh just let me be affectionate with you PLEASEEE #im gay and i like sleeping

[carionto]

What Humans call the "Thousand Yard Stare"

As more and more Humans interact with and integrate within Coalition stations, reports, closer to hushed whispers really, began to circulate of some Humans being... discomforting... to be around.

Initially we thought it was just rudeness or passive aggressive behavior or any number of subtle actions or choice of words, no matter how advanced or civilized there will always be some assholes.

However, when some of these "offenders" were presented to us peacekeepers, we found them to be perfectly polite and reasonable. As our conversation continued and shifted topics, whenever there was a lull or the focus was on another speaker for a longer time, the Human's gaze drifted somewhat.

Sometimes she would look to the side and it was harder to tell what her exact expression was, but every so often she would be looking at one of us, but... not. It was as if she was staring at something behind us, through us even. Beyond the walls of the station, it even felt as though beyond space and time itself.

It was one of the most unnerving and chitin-chilling feelings we've ever felt, but then the Human seemed to notice our change and became that friendly and cheerful person once again:

"Sorry, my mind drifted there for a bit. What were you saying?"

And the conversation continued as if nothing was out of the ordinary for the Human.

Upon our return to our office, one of the Human peacekeepers heard about our impromptu assignment and offered this explanation after we told him what happened:

"Oh yeah, I think that person was a retired firefighter or rescue worker of some kind. Professions like that can be dangerous and you'll eventually encounter something horrible at a disaster site or crime scene. Probably saw someone die, or a person they rescued later didn't make it, or it was a kid... It's the toughest when you're the last one a child sees before..."

There it is again. That look, but with a tinge of sadness this time. We didn't know he was carrying such memories. The untimely death of anyone is a difficult time for those that survive, especially when it is the young whose life was still just starting. It seems Humans with their heightened senses and sensitivity to the feelings of others these kind of experiences imprint a far stronger memory than for most.

"Anyway, we've got a bunch of names for such things, but typically we call it the thousand yard stare. It's an old measurement unit, don't worry about it. I think the meaning may have changed a bit over the years, but basically some people go through traumatic stuff and they decide, consciously or not, to sort of... detach themselves from reality. It's a coping mechanism.

A few people thrive on horrible things, but they're the exception. Most of us would go crazy or depressed or any other infinite bad possibilities our brains can go in if we don't find a way to separate ourselves from certain realities. It can get real bad otherwise. It's rare, but a few go truly nuts and try to inflict their pain unto others. Most end up suffering alone for a long time. And some can't take it anymore and decide to end it themselves.

Thankfully therapists and support options are widely available, so those kind of scenarios are really rare, like... suicide accounts for about three out of a hundred thousand deaths last time I saw those charts. Plus drones and automation take care of most of the dangerous tasks, leaving the vast majority of cases to be caused by interpersonal relations actually. A broken heart is one of those traumas we'll never get rid of it seems. That's just life, I guess."

#humans are space orcs #humans are space oddities #humans are deathworlders #humans are space australians #I don't know if these tags are actually appropriate for this one #it feels weird writing about depressing adjacent topics like that #one one hand #I don't feel good about it #on the other #I feel I have to put it into words or it'll leave a stain in my brain #sometimes words are more like a tumor #and the only way to get rid of it is to transfer them to a public space #carionto

[bleue-flora]

Wait... Dream was born on August 12, 1999 and Dream was arrested in the Disc Finale on January 20, 2021 soo... wait, wait, wait, that means he was only 21 when he was imprisoned for life in a small lava covered box!... Did I do that math right? 21?! Man was barely able to drink legally in the United States and they gave him a life sentence in a boiling cell with nothing but lava, raw potatoes, a clock, and some books?!... oh my god...

#sorry.... I just... give me a minute to process... I mean I knew we were close in age but I guess I never really thought about it #sometimes I forget it happened all the way back in 2021 and just... wow. #and Tommy would have been 16 so getting his driver's license in most states... The age gap is like that of my siblings and huh... #my brother can be a real prick... its a weird thought to imagine him getting through in prison just for messing with us... damn... #dreblr #c!dream #this is fine #don't mind me researching for my lastest maddening project..... i can't stop thinking about Dream being Sam's project....... #I'd blame my job but... let's be honest the prison arc lives rent free in my brain lol XD #dsmp #dsmp dream #dream smp #dreamwastaken #no one does it like c!dream #prison arc #pandora's vault #dishing up lore #kinda? I guess... #lore thoughts #ouch... I'm older than c!dream was in prison now... poor baby... :'(

[ivyithink]

some kiddies

translation from ukr (last pic): "Rubik's Cube, seriously, Odasaku!? I'm not 3 y.o! Come up with something more interesting!"

#my art #my doodles #bungou stray dogs #bsd #bsd fanart #dazai osamu #oda sakunosuke #bsd dazai osamu #bsd oda sakunosuke #odazai #bsd odazai #“why not just write everything in one language op” you might ask “wouldn't that be more convenient for everyone???” #and yes #it would be #but #brain do be working weird sometimes and it's “write in the language you're thinking at the moment” for me usually sooooo #that's how we get five doodles with text in eng and then suddenly surprise ukr out of nowhere #playlist probably jumped from eng songs to a ukr one hhhmmmmm

[gillianthecat]

I'm finding that, now that I've been watching a lot of shows in Mandarin, when I hear people speaking Mandarin in real life my brain keeps trying to parse what they're saying. I don't understand it at all, but I guess because of subtitles I'm used to hearing the sounds and simultaneously knowing a meaning. And the rhythm and a lot of words and phonemes sound familiar even if I don't know what the mean.

#language #gillianthecat's life #sometimes my brain is weird

[quaranmine]

i think the whole cringe is dead, radical sincerity, depth of genuine emotion, earnest effort, and unironic love thing that tumblr has going on the past few years has transformed my outlook on things and changed me for the better. but it does mean that now the people i know irl will give me strange looks for being too sappy or too poetic or too dedicated or too excited about about something because they're still stuck in their "well i only like this ironically" phase. guess that's their problem tho not mine <3

#like on here i could spontaneously decide to write a poem about life & love & death & the dying peace lily on my parent's porch #and everybody would be like omg love it #or i could write essays analyzing mcrp. or dig up documents from 1910 and 1956 for fanfic research #and everyone is like 🤩 #and in real life there's like a 90% chance anybody would just be like. that's good for you....you're a little weird though..... #or i will say something i was thinking about and people will get all cynic on me or something #SORRY for having a writer's/artist's/photographer's brain i guess and seeing the beauty in the world #idk idk so many people i meet irl are allergic to genuine expressions of emotion or artistry #there was a lady i saw on the train once who was reading a densely-written pocket sized planner...from 2013 #i think about her sometimes. was that her planner? were those good memories? was she trying to remember something? has it been a kind decade #and when i told my dad he couldn't at all see anything i saw in the moment. he just made jokes about her being crazy #but i liked the moment

[wis-art]

Women, so pretty, so shaped, i am so lesbian,,,

#im also incredibly dysphoric tonight #but i was told by my coworker im incredibly feminine by her earlier #and i mean yeah #..... #i am a tall weird internet woman who likes to draw #so funny how i thought i was bi #I'm just really into women... #my ex is a trans guy and he told me he thinks im lesbian and i had a “holy fuck this explains so much moment” #we broke up but we still have a weird queer relationship outside of social heteronormative norms that is hard to explain and only we #can really understand #im not into men because you know #im a lesbian #had a weird period in my life when i was dating a guy and said im a lesbian and i felt sooooo scared #turns out when youre on meds and your brain is working right you just stop caring about such things #i went on a parade wearing big lesbian flag and girls loved it :) #i dont really know if i ever want to date anyone again #but i think if you look at my art you can really tell my sexuality quite easily lolol #funny how love can be so complicated sometimes #i mean it was kind of inevitable we break up cause we're kind of incompatible but tbh #it was better for us #hehe

[ganondoodle]

i often really do feel like an .. unwanted part of the fandom, i dont draw beautiful landscapes, i have unpopular but strong opinions im constantly annoying about and rarely change, dont like/dont draw the pretty young popular twinks and hot gurls to fanboi over nor do i turn characters into one, the opposite moreso, draw only one ship no ones heard of really, got little energy to interact with the few people that are nice to me and send me asks so it probably looks like im ignoring everyone and unfortunately but still rarely get so stressed i get overwhelmed and emotional about pehaps seemingly minor things and spiral almost into a breakdown feeling super embarrassed about it afterwards but the damage is already done and i look like a freak or agressive weirdo

#ganondoodles talks #also probably sounds like self pity #but this feeling hits everytime i see a super popular artist be the popular cool artist #i am a little weird i know that and thats not somethign bad i think #but the internet never gets to see that much of me #i tend to write posts when i am at my worst bc it has to go somewhere #so the image it tells people is that im a weirdly strong opiniod freak that gets breakdowns over nothing #i also dont feel like im otherwise -cool tm- enough to balance that out #i dont think my art is as stylized or as inventive as others nor am i cool to interact with bc idk how to be cool to interact with #i feel double bad when i misstepped with someone i used to talk to bc of something stupid ... or just dont know what i did wrong #im guessing its especially when i am in that spiraling state of mind where i really am not myself tbh #it still feels very bad bc i feel like i can never make it up to anyone again #sorry i acted like a jerk my brain was exploding in emotions in a desperate attempt to deal with something idk how to deal with- #-and made me not act like myself but now i feel really dumb about it #doesnt sound like a good excuse #... i want to thank those that do stick with me #even if i acted strange sometimes- even if i disappointed sometimes- even when i couldnt keep a promise #there are little things that still make me angry at myself #like that one time i asked in the tags whod read as long as the end of them and if someone did shoudl send me an ask so id draw a lil thing #and i got two #and i kept trying to remeber oh shit i need to do that and forgetting again/not having energy for it in a loop #i still feel like a jerk about it but now its probably too late #i wish i could answer all asks i get but man my energy for that is always rock bottom #no matter how much i enjoy the ask #and i love getting asks!!! #im sorry :((

[wildtornado-o]

Messy sketch page. This sad cat who is so wet is gripping my mind a little rn

#i hope the show puts him through more horrors #Hes just a Dude with so many problems and So Sad all the time #my art #simon petrikov #marceline #marceline abadeer #ice king #ice king was Marcys weird cat who appeared at her door sometimes. #adventure time #at #fionna and cake #rn i have brain rot over two incredibly sad guys who are 200+ years old hmmm

[robinfollies]

some design comcepts for older lily + lewis!!! my latest and greatest headcanon for them is that in the future they get gems and can do magic of their own :33 i just think it’d be neat,,, something to do with their love of magic!!!! 🥺

#im normal about stdwolom. number one fan have been since i was 15 #i need them EXPLODED AND GONE THEY MEAN SO MUCH TO ME BYE #anyways these designs are still. rather up in the air #definitely need some more refining and all that #but yknow!!! for now theyre pretty good kickoff points 🥺 #lewis’s fit is loosely based off a wizard fit i gave him in a halloween piece from 2022 hehehe!! #I THINK THEY SHOULD GET MAGIC. I THINK THEY SHOULD AS A TREAT #billie helps them learn ofc!!! AND SO DOES STOTLE. THEM AND THEIR THREE WEIRD KIDS OR WHATEVER #i love them so bad. stdwolom….☹️☹️☹️ #dont overthink the gem colours or anything btw. i think theyre just… general ones? question mark? #IDK MAYBE ILL PUT MORE THOUGHT INTO THE SPECIFICS LATER #BUT FOR NOW THEYRE JUST. GENERAL ONES WITH NO SPECIFIC POWERS IN PARTICULAR LMAO #robin’s art #billie bust up #2024 art #bbu billie #bbu lewis #bbu lily #stdwolom #this all started bc i looked at stdwolom and went ‘i think they should be she/her they/them cool hat coded. lewis should get a cool hat’ #then i brain blasted. #whats more cool hat than a wizard and whats more wizard than ACTUAL MAGIC #i like to think im smart sometimes #okay hi update these guys are part of my… oc lore? now so uhhh guess theyre getting the story tag #The Panderity Chapter