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jarredlharris · 7 months

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Is this what having an existential crisis feels like?

Yesterday, I posted the following on a number of my social media sites:

I decided to write a post here instead of tweeting/posting about this because (1) I don't have to worry about breaking up what I want to say into smaller tweets/posts and (2) I can then just post a single link to each of my social media sites rather than reproducing the thread on each site.

As I think about it, I'm starting to think it might be more accurate to say I'm having an existential crisis over my online presence, whether I even want to continue it, and what I want it to be like. After all, it's something that has been building over quite some time. In fact, it probably goes farther back than what I'm going to discuss today.

A lot of it started to really come to a head as Twitter (I will never call it "X" even if Evil Big Bird threatens to delete my account if I don't stop calling it "Twitter") really began circling the drain. People not only started making exit plans, but began to execute them. Many friends and acquaintances have announced that they either do not feel safe remaining there or cannot in good conscience support the site by their continued presence. I have not joined them, but I understand and respect the decision they made.

To me, the most frustrating part of this, however, is that everyone's exit plans are different. Some of the people I follow now hang out on Blue Sky. Some are on Threads. Some are on Instagram. Some made one Discord server or another their home. Some came here to Tumblr. There's no longer a single place I can go to keep in touch with all these wonderful people who mean something to my life. And while I've tried to keep a presence at many of these places, it's stretching me thin and I don't think it's a sustainable course of action for me in the long run. So while I'd never ask any of these people to stay in a place they find too toxic and harmful just for my convenience, I'm most sad that the death of Twitter is turning into a veritable "Tower of Babel" moment.

In the long run, I'm just going to have to choose which sites I feel I can and should focus on and accept the reality that I'm going to have to say goodbye to some people -- or at least not remain quite as close to them as I might have been at one point. And choosing who to say goodbye to by nature of where I limit my own presence too also weighs on me. These are choices I'm not going to enjoy.

Add to this the fact that I'm feeling a bit lost for a direction for my continued online presence. I'm not sure what I want to talk about anymore. There are a growing number of days I'm not sure I have anything to talk about, if I'm being honest.

I don't feel that I"m a hugely creative person most days. I have a few great ideas. I think those some of those ideas are pretty important. For example, I think that my past discussions about changing our understanding of what it means to call someone or something "sacred" was incredible. (Though I'm also finding it's far from original to me.) I'm glad I did a couple Twitter threads and (I think three) YouTube videos on the subject.

But the idea that calling someone or something sacred is to acknowledge that it has inherent value that cannot be given or taken away is not exactly a complicated topic. I'm not sure I can say much about the topic that I haven't already said. And I'm not the kind of person who can just keep repeating myself (and that's what it would feel to me like I was doing at this point). I'd start to feel silly and talking just for the sake of saying something.

The one site I seem to still be going pretty well on -- and it's a somewhat new one for me -- is Quora. I seem to be doing okay there because I can answer questions. I particularly like answering theological questions. Mainly because like in so many places, the theological questions largely seem to focus on Christian theology (and certain specific "brands" of Christianity at that). I like answering those questions in a way that bring my Norse polytheistic views to the table, reminding people that there are other ways to tackle the "big questions" that even challenge some of the assumptions of (most notably evangelical) Christianity.

I haven't found much interest in that level of discourse on the social media sites. It's also one of the reasons that I've been drifting away from the deconstruction communities I've been involved in the past year or so. They're still mainly focused on theology from a Christian standpoint. That's fair, since a lot of people in those communities are still Christian and trying to figure out how to rescue their faith from the toxic theology they were originally stewed in. And even those who have no interest in remaining Christian tend to be only interested in theology insofar as it relates to processing the harm they received from that toxic theology.

I've considered just focusing on Quora for this reason, though I'm not convinced that's the right answer. And even there, I start to wonder if I'm doing anything worthwhile.

So that's my possible existential crisis. Thanks for listening.

#deconstruction #social media blues #online presence #second thoughts #reevalutating choices

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kitorin · 4 months

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LOVE ALL PLAY. - ITOSHI RIN

THREE - TWO IDIOTS, A GENIUS, AND THEIR COMPANION.

contents. no warnings, smau

"I already want to go home." Rin mutters under his breath, thigh bouncing under the table as he stares at the first problem.

The combination of letters and numbers are quite grotesque, and the instructions are asking for far too much (how is he supposed to figure about what it was? It's unknown for a reason). Rin scrunches his nose in disgust at the sight, so does Isagi, who runs his hand through his hair while staring at his notebook. Shidou on the other hand was perfectly unbothered (as expected) as he displays discourtesy in the library's private room, resting his feet and legs onto the table (Rin thanks himself for sitting away from him).

"I need help." At least Isagi was willing to reveal his confusion, Rin reminds himself to listen in carefully to the explanation. It's not that math is too hard, but that he hasn't seen anything like this before.

"Save it 'til the end. I'm working on somethin' for a bit." He doesn't look away from his phone, and from the way he picked his nose and watched with half lidded eyes, he obviously wasn't concentrating on anything. "Wait for the others."

"Who? I thought it was just us." Rin diverts his attention away from the question, the mere sight of mathematics was enough to make him nauseous.

"'Was'." Shidou still doesn't look up from the screen. "Isagi over here found people willing to help your dumbass." Rin opens his mouth to defend himself, but Shidou continues before he could do so. "They should be here anytime soon, oh, they just texted. Finding us right now."

The senior's lack of attention and care only frustrated Rin further, he's not quite sure if he hates the word problems or Shidou more.

"Who did you invite?" He wants to trust Isagi enough to find someone reliable, but that was difficult after Yukimiya grouped him with Shidou.

Isagi remains silent, as he rushes over to the door to open it when he hears a knock. "Hiori! Thank you for your time today." He greets him enthusiastically, bowing at an almost 90 degree angle, mannerisms flustering the taller boy.

"There's no need to be so formal—We're happy to help and it'll be good revision for us, especially since it's earlier than we usually study." He ushers Isagi to stand up straight, reminding him that formalities were unnecessary since they were the same age. "You must be Shidou?"

Finally, Shidou puts his phone away. "Yeah, thanks for helpin' us out with this idiot."

Rin interjects. "There's two of us."

"No, there's one of you, and there's Yoi. Yoi's cute. You are not." Shidou doesn't even spare a glance in Rin's direction. "Your brother on the other hand—that man is adorable."

Rin scowls. "Don't even call him that."

"Fine, he's my cutie patootie."

"The fuck does that mean?"

Shidou crosses his arms in attempt to mock Rin. "He's my pookie bear."

"Worst one by far."

As Rin finds himself more disgusted by Shidou's peculiar infatuation with his older brother, Isagi and Hiori didn't pay much attention to their conversation.

"y/n's here." Hiori points at somewhere out the door, down the corridor and Isagi peers outside to check. "They were at the bathroom."

"And why is that fucker here?" Rin regrets speaking, his harsh tone making Hiori flinch. He had no problem with Hiori, but he can't help how the thought of you makes his skin itch with agitation.

Panicking, Isagi inserts himself in the space between Rin and Hiori. "I invited them—They're both really smart and willing to help."

"Rin Rin!" To which, Rin groans. "I had no idea you could read a book, let alone study."

He scowls. "Very funny. As if you haven't heard me answer our teacher."

You shrug, actions and words dripped with sarcasm. "I dunno, if you really were capable you wouldn't be here relyin' on us."

Rin remains silent at that.

"I already like them." Their senior cackles. "Shidou Ryusei, by the way." Hiori briefly introduces himself, and so does he.

Isagi leans over to whisper into Rin's ear. "Feel free to complain and object, if you're willing to pay for a tutor, or okay with not competing." Rin's reply is non existent, and the silence already feels awkward.

"Anyways, though I can't and won't guarantee any results I'll do my best." You announce as Hiori nods along. "Let's all do our best, yeah?"

Isagi grins, full of energy and determination, returning to his worksheet. While Rin was quite the opposite. You and Hiori unpack, laying out everything you'd need for the study session.

Only for you to turn on your phone

Hiori pokes your cheek. "y/n. Do I need to remind you that now's not play games? We're here to study, remember?"

The oldest in the room interferes. "Who cares, one round. I play too." He mimics your action. "I'll make the room."

"See? Shidou-senpai gets me. Surely one round. All together. I can actually play properly since my hands aren't soaked with sweat."

Hiori winces at the unnecessary detail.

Rin interrupts. "You're just going to play games while we study?"

"Oh I'm sorry, when was the last time you got passed a test. Primary? Kindergarten? Pre-school?"

With a scoff, he retaliates. "And when was the last time you grew? Infancy?"

To the best of your ability, you conceal your offense. "I'll have you know I grew an inch in the past year."

"And I'll have you know that I ace English every year." At least foreign languages had practical use for everyone. He doesn't need to fully comprehend and analyse Shonagon Sei's The Pillow Book or be proficient in mathematics to dominate as an athlete. Arguably, fluency in another language was most important.

"Only English?" You critique him in another language; what he'd assume to be Mandarin. "Only two languages?"

Great, now you have another thing to make fun of him for. Maybe he'll finally start learning French.

Hiori hits your shoulder and you yelp (he also snatches your phone while he's at it). "You can't be talking—you only know a few sentences of Mandarin and didn't get any of the tones right just then." Rin holds back a groan for falling for your antics, while resisting a smile from Hiori calling it out.

"I would've sold it if you didn't point that out."

"You're a scammer, not a salesman. Quit being immature and stop trying to compete with the poor guy." Hiori mutters out an apology on your behalf, as he drags you by the hem of your shirt to where Isagi was scratching his head over a problem. "I'm separating you two."

Rin likes Hiori, quite a bit.

Shidou nudges Isagi. "I like this y/n." Well I don't, Rin thinks to himself. "Here's the plan. We'll teach the subjects we're best at. I think you 'nd Hiori are fine with everything though. Straight As, right?" Rin doesn't care about grades, but knowing that you're maintaining a results as an athlete and proficient in academics has his skin prickling with envy.

"Yeah." You reply nonchalantly, peering at the problem Isagi was stuck on. "Not that confident with science though."

Hiori nods. "As long as it's not math, but y/n can cover for that anyways. I started learning English from a young age so I guess that's my best topic."

Shidou claps his hands together. "Perfect."

"You're actually so fucking stupid."

"I'm sorry I haven't been studying for every day of my life." Rin spat, clenching the mechanical pencil in his hand hard enough to the point he started trembling. "You're here to teach me not to act like a fucking dumbass.

"It's long division." You yell. "It's literally the same as regular long division but with 'x' involved."

"Well I can't do the one with polynomials if I can't do regular long division." It completely slipped his mind once he discovered that high school tests often permitted the use of a calculator.

The poor table suffers an indignant slam from you. "How? I've done this stuff since I could hold a pencil."

"Not everyone's the same as you." Rin wonders, what sort of childhood you had to already comprehend such concepts at a young age (not that he cares, it's simply curiosity). "You don't even need to know how to do long division, you have a calculator."

"Well some shit you just don't forget.'

"You're clearly wrong in that case."

"No you're just stupid."

Amidst the chaos within the tiny room, Rin can barely catch the gentle encouragement from Hiori to Isagi. Why can't you be like that, or at least, why can't Hiori help him instead? Shidou fucked off somewhere a while ago, Rin's relieved that he doesn't have to spend time with him; but that means more time with you.

He leans back into his chair, tossing the pencil onto the table. "Why can't you be like that?" He aggressively points in Hiori's direction. "Mature and intelligent."

Though hesitant, Hiori denies his compliments. "y/n's a lot smarter than me... especially in mathematics."

"Smarter or not, doesn't matter. I hate them."

Now you're slumping onto the table, nuzzling your face into your own bicep. "Love you too, sweetheart."

"Do not call me that—"

You cut him off by slamming your palm on the table. "Food. I want food. A break is well deserved, don't you think?"

Something tells him that it was directed to him, but Rin still responds. "I'm the one who needs a break. All you did was yell and it produced no results."

Your faux pout makes a return, as you make your way to Isagi, hands resting on his shoulders. "Think of everyone else dumbass. We've been locked in a room for hours—"

"You're free to walk out whenever, in fact, please do so. Now."

"You people need my genius—"

"The booking." Hiori interrupts. "The booking is finishing soon. So we're leaving soon either way." Relief makes Isagi pack everything up, stuffing it hastily in his shoulder bag. "And you willingly came here to study, stop hyperbolising everything."

"Hi-o-rin, we're getting food." Ignoring his scolding, you cling onto his arm, carrying the both of your bags while you're at it. "There's a nice place nearby, let's all go together." You sling your arm around Isagi's shoulder, pulling him in. “Surely we go get zaru soba too.”

Isagi falls for your charm—or what Rin would much rather call irritation. “That’d be nice. Where would you recommend, then?”

“y/n and I usually go to this place nearby. It’s a bit of a walk but it’d be worth it. They have other foods too if you’re more of a rice person.” Hiori had positioned himself between you and Rin, after weaving out of your embrace. “We can get ice cream from FamilyMart if we overheat.” He holds the door open for everyone, to which Rin bows politely in gratitude.

“I can’t.” Rin declines, partially because he prefers the quiet atmosphere of his home to eat; the rest of his reasoning is merely your presence.

What part of “I can’t” did you not understand.

Now he’s seated at a table in a crowded and noisy restaurant, thanks to you dragging him along (he's also confused at how you managed to pull that off). He’d be thankful that he wasn’t seated next to you, but that meant being forced to face you for the entirety of his meal.

There’s you in front of him (by Hiori’s side, of course), pondering a stupid decision while Hiori actually bothers to hear you out.

“Grape Calpis… or regular Calpis.”

“Can you even tell the difference between them?” Hiori’s fingers massage his temples. “Hurry up and give Rin the menu.”

“Yeah yeah, I know. You’re not my mum.”

Isagi interjects. “Which one did you pick?”

You hand the menu to Rin. “Milk tea.”

And with that Isagi returns to glancing over the menu.

“Ochazuke for me. Cold.”

“I’ll get the katsudon.” Isagi asks.

You stand up with a gentle slam of the table (what is it with you and that tendency?). “I’ll go order then. Hiorin, same as usual?” Your being to weave through people after Hiori nods.

“What’s wrong? Thinkin’ about somethin’?”

Isagi chokes on nothing. “No, I mean yes but it’s about y/n—”

Maintaining eye contact, Hiori takes a sip of his water. It doesn’t come off as intimidating, rather curious instead. “Have they been annoying you too?”

“Of course not—that’s just Rin being Rin.” Arms folded against his chest, Rin glares from the corner of his eye, but doesn’t say anything. “I hear a lot of people calling y/n a genius. Why is that?"

“Oh. That. Our club gave them that nickname because one, they're really good at school, and two, they were disgustingly good without knowing anything about fundamentals. And it didn't take long for them to learn it either, they were really awkward when first playing too." Hiori gazes off in the distance, grappling for the right words. "They're just naturally good at a lot of things too."

In other words, you’re one of those freakish beginners with a freakish start and freakish development.

Smart and athletic, you truly embody perfection, if character was ignored. Perhaps you made a deal with god, your sanity and maturity in exchange for skills others spend years refining.

“Good at school and sports. Must be nice.” Isagi sighs. “I still don't understand logarithms...what's your secret?”

Hiori shrugs. “Study. You get it after doing it a lot. Just ask y/n.”

A groan comes from the shorter boy. “Forget it, genius’ don’t have secrets. I’ll practice.”

Rin scoffs. “And how long are you going to stand there, dumbass?”

Hiori whips around to see you grinning. “Go on go on, keep praising me please.” You take your seat again. “Don’t worry Yoichi, just send me anything you need help with.”

Isagi nods, hesistant but determined.

“You’re going to be fine. If I can do it so can you.” You open your bottle of royal milk tea after distributing the other drinks.

“Thanks but we’re not the same…”

You yawn, eyes watering slightly. “I too have failed tests before. They’re recoverable.”

Rin’s heard stuff like this before. “Like what? A 99 instead of an 100?”

“30 instead of a pass.” Hiori covers his mouth to stifle a laugh, even going as far as turning away (it only made Rin feel more embarassed). “I knew I was screwed so I wrote an apology on my test paper. And that is why, you people should trust me when I say you’re going to do great. Eat well. Sleep well. Practice consistently.”

Check, check, almost check. It can’t be too different from learning English.

Hiori slaps you on the back, loudly. “Quit yapping when we both know you already only do the first.”

“And you’re no better—” The volume of your speech is quickly turned down by the waitstaff’s presense. “Thank you for the food.” Effortlessly you switch from your annoying self to a polite customer.

“Rin, Yoichi, don’t think about exams too hard. We don’t even know the dates yet so you’ll catch up fine.”

Rin trusts Hiori’s rationality—and yours too (he’ll never admit it out loud), as his picks up his drink and brings it to the centre of the table midair, against everyone else’s.

“Excuse me—?” Hiori calls over a staff member. “Can we split the bill please?”

She smiles. “It’s already been taken care of.”

“We paid already?” Isagi’s perplexity was evident. “I don’t remember doing that.”

“And you’re remembering right, dumbass.” Rin was confused as well, but Hiori seemed to understand the situation perfectly. The moment the waitress left he almost pounced on you.

You were unfazed by the attack; effortlessly dodging it and grabbing your bag while doing so. “My treat! Thank you and well done for your hard work today.” Out the restaurant you go, followed by a mad Hiori, attracting a few concerned glances.

“Oi—come back you fucking idiot. Let me pay equally dumbass.”

“Wait for us—” Isagi scurries out of the diner booth, ushering Rin out to chase after them. “Hiori—!”

With a tired sigh, Rin follows.

Rin pockets his phone, staring out the train's window instead. You're seated in the seat in front of him again, a similar configuration from lunch, but with Hiori by his side instead of Isagi.

You peer at Isagi's screen. "Your team group chat actually looks fun. Can I join it?"

"It's called a team group chat, of course not." Hiori objects on Isagi's behalf. "We have our own, anyways."

"You either leave me on read and Nijiro only responds with emojis. At least Kurona's fun and sends shark pics." Rin begs Isagi to not surrender to your pleas, the majority of that group chat was already irksome enough.

"Maybe stop spamming it with your reactions to a show that's clearly too scary for you to watch at 1 am."

You retort playfully. "It's not spam if it's beautiful, intricate media analysis."

"What part of screaming about shirtless Ahn Hyo Seop says intricate, or analytical?" With the way Hiori snapped, the gentle boy in the library room was nowhere to be seen. You must have a talent for ruining others' composure.

"Appreciation, of art?"

You continue bickering with Hiori, Isagi as a poor viewer. Rin watches too, in a much calmer way while Isagi awkwardly observes your squabble (and thanking the train for being so empty).

Only when you get up to shake Hiori by the shoulders (a stupid resort in a stupid debate about actors and actresses), Rin bends over to reach for your bag, hand reaching for the zip, an ephemeral disappearance into your bag.

When you have enough of quarreling with Hiori, it was as if nothing happened, you plop back into your seat, not noticing a thing; Rin leans into the backrest, going back to gazing out the window.

TWO | MASTERLIST | FOUR

pairing. itoshi rin x reader

synopsis. all itoshi rin ever wanted was a peaceful high school career, his plans go to ruin thanks to the school's badminton genius; entangling their lives—and emotions together.

contents. rivals to lovers, badminton player!reader, sports romance, fluff, high school au

a/n. hardest part is always the fucking title i swear to god

taglist. @yuzurins, @silly-ez, @chigirizzz, @kaiserkisser, @httpshujii, @saesins, @yoimyas, @saetorinrin, @hxniplayz, @certaindreampost, @rroxii, @jar-03, @celestair, @satoruskitchenrag, @kaitfae, @biaonww, @hellothere9597, @its-ur-pillow, @saesofficialwife, @miyanaranagikenmal-intp, @popponn, @kascar-chronicle—bold means i cannot tag you

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