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wonryllis · 3 months

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I CAN BE WHATEVER YOU WANT ME TO BE ⭑ LHS.

⭑ ᵎᵎ preview. where heeseung finds himself once again locked in your cages when you drunk call him to pick you up at night. where heeseung has no intentions of escaping the said cages, forever remaining under the spell of your love. LIBY?

wordcount `834 ﹙𝒘? + 𝒄𝓪𝐬𝐭﹚toxic situationship with a down down down bad lee heeseung x kinda naive philophobic fem!reader, age gap, suggestive: mild.

she's crazy but i love her.

heeseung's steps are slow and calculated, eyes glued on your figure trying to make your way to his car. stumbling and wobbly in heels you (kind of) seem accustomed to, feet clicking against the pavement in a hasty stride. he's worried. you were out with friends past midnight on a weekday, called him all drunk to pick you up from the bar and now you are barely able to walk straight, ankle on the verge of twisting at any given moment but you wouldn't let him hold you. he's worried sick.

"angel please just hold onto me hm?" he pleads rushing over when you visibly slip on an uneven part, hands almost gripping around your waist as you manage to keep your balance, staggering back into his arms in a couple of steps.

"you! who are you!" your hands push against his chest as you turn around startled. there it goes, again! heeseung sighs knowing what's to come. it's the third time in the last fifteen minutes, going over this exact conversation word to word.

"it's heeseung, your cousin's friend and your friend," he makes sure to emphasize on 'your friend' trying to stop this before it gets further into the loop.

"where's my cousin?" you ask, looking around the rather empty parking lot.

"he working," heeseung's explanation is dry because he knows you'll cut him off before he can say anything more,"and why are you here?" just like that. he remembers the first time this happened, when you were actually sober and met him at your cousin brother: jay's workplace. you showed up out of nowhere, without any notice and jay was going bonkers at how he'll get you back home when he has the most important client waiting for him in the next room. heeseung hadn't thought much when he offered to drop you off, a favor for a friend that was all it was to him.

"because you called me, angel," but god was he wrong, for he swears the moment he laid his eyes on you he was a goner. you were too darn pretty to be just a favor. you were younger, a party girl always running out to frat and sorority gatherings, bars and clubs. often calling jay to pick you up to avoid letting your parents know of your shenanigans.

"why did i call you and not my cousin?" everytime he had wished it was him and not jay, even though ultimately he was the one who went. carrying your cute drunk ass to your mansion and getting you to your room as discreetly as possible. you are a rich girl, two worlds apart and heeseung has felt it in many ways than not.

"because i'm your cousin's friend and you know me well," heeseung never thought he'd ever be more than just your cousin's friend to you. at least he hopes he is more. you have done things with him that you'd definitely not do with just your cousin's friend. a space curtaining acquaintance and lover, he hangs dangerously cold and heedless.

"so where's my cousin?" between days left ghosted and nights you throw your arms around him he stands unsure of his place in your life. at times he feels you know he's the one who could treat you better than any of the guys you cry for. yet there are moments when there's this sturdy wall you build, holding him away for the sake of not losing him like others. afraid of love is what you refuse you are but heeseung knows your conceptions of it are a little too twisted, broken he dare say. and his love for you is so far and conflicted to the things you have experienced, he understands the lengths and the time it will take for you to recognize and accept him.

"you know what, i'm getting you in the car myself," in an instance his hands grip at the back of knees and the curve of your waist, hauling you up in his arms. he walks quick to his car parked at the far end, smiling through the constant pouty mumbles of yours. eyeing you every two seconds, not being able to resist that pretty face of yours.

it is absolutely not in him to ever resist that pretty face of yours, your pretty eyes and your pretty lips as they graze against his own in gentle brushes. arms looped around his neck and thighs resting on the soft matress of your bed, albeit on each side of his own, yet again. sitting on his lap, so close, bodies pressed. "heeseungie, please stay," your voice a sultry whisper of a whine, a naive vixen, if that's even a thing.

lee heeseung knows he will never have the power to refuse you, he will be whatever you want him to be for how ever long you will want him to be.

you make him crazy and he loves you for that.

taglist ( open. ) @kangseulgithegreat @s00buwu @luvyev @pockyyasii @nctislifue @ashtxrie @miniature-tragedy @jayujus @brachives @thoughtsmeander2tumblingblindly @eeunoia @nxzz-skz @shawnyle @enhaswirlds @enhasnuggles

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megaderping · 1 month

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I think the biggest issue with Naoto discussion is that there are so many intersecting perspectives with very strong feelings involved, and if a Persona 4 remake does happen, I fully suspect that Atlus is going to have their hands full figuring out how to handle the character in the modern day. First there's the cultural context of misogyny in the workplace and especially in the legal and justice systems in Japan, which informs Naoto's character a lot. It is important to consider this, as this was a Japanese game made in 2008 at a time where queer visibility wasn't nearly as prominent, but that alone doesn't invalidate criticism to the arc's execution, regardless of creator intention. A big point of contention is how the arc was handled. Specifically the way it uses talk of body alteration procedures, surgical equipment, and treats the idea of transition as scary. If you consider how draconian the laws behind legally transitioning in Japan are, you can perhaps make a case for why it might cause Naoto internal conflict as complete surgical transition/sterilization/diagnosis were all requirements at the time of the game's development and only recently were declared unconstitutional. Though, as this excellent video pointed out, it's possible this was meant to be a reference to the story Flowers for Algernon, given the weapon you get if you return there later. However, even if that was the intent, transgender people exist in Japan and have since well before Persona 4, and anime such as The Dirty Pair aired in the 80's with very progressive takes on transness. It's very unlikely that the team behind Persona 4 was completely unaware of queer issues and symbolism, given that Persona 3 had that infamous transphobic joke in the original version's babe hunt.

The Dirty Pair, a 1985 anime that was surprisingly progressive.

I think the issue, more than anything, is that the tropes at play don't exist in a vacuum and what comes after Naoto's dungeon raises a lot more red flags. Jokes about Naoto's chest size, the narrative framing Kanji's crush as only acceptable after the reveal, on top of the uncomfortable execution of the romance route in Naoto's Social Link. You get so much "Naoto is actually a girl" in a way where it's other characters talking about/over Naoto, which is what really makes the framing off putting to a lot of people, myself included. And it's not even that you can't do an arc about a female character fighting against prejudiced preconceptions in the criminal justice field without controversy, because Persona 5 pulled this off far less contentiously.

Sae Niijima deals with many similar themes but doesn't seem nearly as contentious, and I think a large part of that is due to Sae openly presenting as a woman from the start. The game openly depicts the misogyny from Sae's superiors and coworkers, such as how she's unmarried and fighting an uphill battle for success in a male-dominated field. Persona has toyed with these ideas in the aftermath of Persona 4 and even when revisiting older titles. Persona 2 went back and added the character of Shiori Miyashiro in the PSP release, a lady detective who has a lot in common with Naoto (e.g. knowingly endangering oneself to get the truth behind a supernatural case). It's also astonishing that we have Lala Escargot in Persona 5, which also had that infamous gay couple that played into horrible stereotypes that were only slightly fixed in royal's international release. Lala, whether trans or a drag queen, is given surprising respect, and her identity is never called into question. A Persona 4 remake could learn from this and cut back on the characters asserting what Naoto feels, what Naoto "really is," etc, and let Naoto and Naoto alone decide. Ultimately, Naoto means different things to different people, and these things can carry great personal weight and importance. Many trans and nonbinary Persona fans see themselves in Naoto. Others favor Naoto as some flavor of gnc or find Naoto embracing femininity and detective work empowering. I think the problem is that when this topic comes up, there's a lot of hostility. Trans fans and people who favor trans Naoto get told to shut up at best, and at worst get hit with shit tons of transphobia and gross conduct. On the other hand, I don't think people who prefer more canon-compliant depictions of Naoto are inherently malicious. It's how they approach these discussions and treat people that makes a difference. Just because someone uses she/her for Naoto doesn't mean they're being intentionally transphobic, but I totally get people wanting to avoid material that uses those pronouns all the same. I also don't think people are wrong to be uncomfortable with the resolution of Naoto's arc in canon. I think people who get upset when fanworks go with trans or NB interpretations of Naoto could stand to be more empathetic, as a lot of those fanworks come from people who connected to Naoto and want to explore what could've been. I don't think more canon-compliant fanworks are inherently malicious either, but no one is obligated to stick around works or spaces that make them feel uncomfortable. Tbh, I'm just wondering what Atlus will do. Persona 3 Reload removed that one transphobic joke during the babe hunt in all languages. Persona 5 Tactica had male marriage fantasies for Joker. I think Atlus is trying to be more inclusive, but Persona 3 Reload also kept Toriumi's crush on the protagonist and Chihiro defending student-teacher romances, so it's really unclear how much of Persona 4's more divisive aspects will be retooled. Because it's not just Naoto. Persona 4 has a lot of aspects that haven't aged well, like all the jokes about Kanji being predatory if he's attracted to guys, or Kashiwagi being creepy toward students, or the fatphobia with Hanako while Ebihara's past of being overweight is treated with more sympathy. I love Naoto and Persona 4, but I also think it's important to be able to criticize elements of the game that could be executed better.

#naoto shirogane #persona 4 #persona discourse #discourse #persona #tw: transphobia mention #meta #can add additional tags if necessary!#tbh i wasn't sure what all i needed to tw for #sae niijima #long post

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lovelykhaleesiii · 1 year

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I love Egg/chubby Aegon. I feel that it is so attractive. 😭 But hey, this morning at university I came up with a TOTALLY DISTURBING AND GROSS idea. I would love for you to accept this request and write to my tough, horny, BIG DICK Aegon together with a young wife (Helaena lives happily in the country with a man who loves her) redhead and "fragile" high on Dornish herbs begging her husband totally horrified at the idea of sharing a bed with her husband's brother in the face of his lord's infertility. ‼️I LOVE HOW YOU WRITE.

I'm so sorry for my English, it's horrible.

we are the same, chubby Egg is god-tier to me 😫🥵 getting flustered just thinking of him!!

apologies this took me forever to respond to, I appreciate you sending in the request (& your English is fine) 💖 hope you enjoy x

Splendid Husband, Obedient Wife.

PAIRING: chubby!Aegon ii Targaryen x fem!Reader x Aemond Targaryen.

WORDS: 3,864.

WARNINGS: mentions of infertility, oral (female) receiving, p in v sexual intercourse, swearing, hint of cheating (?), mentions of alcohol abuse, NSFW.

A/N - gosh I hope you really like this, I got sooo carried away in the fic so apologies it turned out long, but I found my way back!!! idk why but since having a mini hiatus, I feel a little nervous writing, but here we are!! enjoy lovely x

These past few, joyous months had been memorable yet fleeting. Betrothed to the Prince himself, Aegon Targaryen, Second of His Name, neither of you could've imagined how overly satisfied you would have been with each other upon meeting. Aegon was breath-taken by you the moment he caught you lonesomely wandering through the stony, ancient castle corridors, meeting you hours before the scheduled feast. You were taken aback by your husband to be, having heard viper-quick whispers, his notorious reputation preceding him, initially made you doubtful the union would survive prior to having met the man. Although, Aegon had quashed such vile allegations with much determination.

He was tender when it came matters relating to you, not wishing to cause unnecessary haste and spectacle, he was surprisingly quite grounded. If he could avoid conflict, he would, you both rarely got into arguments since he always listened to your opinions, always probing and advocating for your to speak and voice your concerns or judgements. His persona quite charming and meek with you, exterior wise, he did impose more of an oppposing effect, which also could've explained why you remained so guarded during the initial acquaintance stage. He seemed rather ruggard and rough, his Targaryen blonde hair remained short and unkempt, unlike his younger brothers. The Prince over the years had also developed a larger frame, despite having kept up with regular combat training, his gluttonous appetite to feast and drink was far more impressive, than any other young man in court. If you were being frank, it was actually appealing to you: it made him look brute, convincing you he was a force not to be reckoned with, and it seemed many shared this mutual belief, for no one dared to openly spare with Aegon in the training yard nor during council meetings.

He was rather a splendid husband, and an even more seasoned lover.

He did confess, during his youth and prior to meeting you, he did spend most of his lonely nights in the carnal company of whores and prostitutes. Hearing widespread rumours, even before your betrothal, of the Prince having sired bastards with these unknown women, you'd never come to see of any 'proof' for Aegon did not relish in speaking nor rekindling of such desolate memories.

"I was in a terrible place, my dearest. And I know, that is no valid excuse for how I acted nor carried myself, and yet I somehow ended up so lucky... With you."

He was not proud of such dark endeavours, upon thorough reflection and now being a married man devoted to his wife, Aegon was regretful of his youthful decisions. Although, during such a dark time in his life, he did not think it possible for someone to love him. To genuinely love him, without any political agenda nor catch to the arrangement. And despite, your betrothal being arranged between two highborn houses, undeniably, your love naturally blossomed like a lily in the spring.

However, unsurprisingly, people often spoke quietly, amongst themselves, yet harshly of your union. Always eager to stir the pot, and with time having passed since the exquisite marriage ceremony, the target was you.

"It has been three long months, Aegon, and your wife is still not yet with child." His discerning mother provoked: Alicent conditioned from a young age, believed this to be a serious concern that she'd often expressed amongst you three in private.

Since the viscous rumours began to spread like sprouts of weed amongst the court, Alicent had been even more persistent with her eldest son to conceive an heir with you. And although, the sex with Aegon was far from scarce, you had not yet fallen pregnant, which eventually made you anxious, as to whether your body was capable to breed. The question that poisoned your mind, was whether the culprit of infertility was Aegon, himself, or you…

“And how are we to figure this out, Aegon? For all I know, I may be the rotten spouse, useless in performing her wifely duties. They’ll have you marry another, more vibrant, more fertile lady, as you toss me aside out of sight and mind,” You tensely spat, carefully seating yourself down by the foot of the king-sized bed, your mind anxiously pondering over your dreaded future. You had an awful habit of picking and biting your nails, and Aegon had grown familiar with this, a blatant sign of distress.

Hastily he knelt before you, his large, rough hands gripped over yours, to stop you from picking at yourself, his touch halting your haste train of thought.

“We shall figure this out, my dearest. Trust… I will find a solution. You need not to worry of what others think, nor would I ever think to discard you in such a way. You are mine, as I am yours. I am bound to you till the end of time.”

A faint, half-hearted smile beams against your tender face, as you focus and cup Aegon’s portly, familiar face. To think of the possibility, that you might be the reason hindering Aegon from having children of his own, pains your heart achingly and yet, through the adversity, he remains still unfalteringly by your side. The fears settle for now, as a warm calm washes over your body, tears that had initially swelled in your eyes from sadness, now shed with the relief of joy, as you plant a soft kiss on Aegon’s forehead. You have faith in your husband, as he remains devoted to you. You trust that Aegon’s determined nature, he will find a way to give you a child, whether the Gods deemed it natural or not…

****

“Aegon, dearest, you cannot be serious? I truly hope you realise, what you are asking of me!” You frustratingly shout, as Aegon storms towards you in a haste, his hands gesturing for you to quieten down, as he takes a quick glance towards the main door, before focusing his attention solely on you.

“Y/N, you and I both know this is the only way we could ever really know if either I am the problem or there may be something hindering you from carrying. It’s either this or I sleep with another woman. And I swore even before our marriage, I would never even think to look at another... And besides, if you happen to fall with child, the resemblance would be uncanny! No one would ever know besides us three, and it shall remain that way, right brother?-”

Instinctively, both Aegon and yourself gradually turned to face Aemond, who remained silently and comfortably seated on the opposing end of the room, near the active fireplace. He seemed distracted in his own deep thoughts, as his gaze lingered across the dancing orange flames, the shadows and light perfectly outlining the sharp details and silhouette of his face. Aegon called for him again, managing to snap the younger back to reality facing your direction. A stoic look remained donned across his handsome face, although his eye remained fixated on you.

"Yes. Of course. Not a living should shall hear of such... Treason," Aemond teasingly uttered, a sly smirk appearing on his face, as he playfully fiddled with some sort of stone in his long fingers. His eye turned from Aegon, to you before resuming the direction of the flames once more. He seemed unphased and yet he did not disagree to such an unlawful scheme.

Why that was, you could not say with certainty. Perhaps this could be something he could hold over Aegon's head, which only infuriated you more. Potentially passing his bastard son as Aegon's rightful heir... It was dangerous, although the only viable option. The pressure of the realm, the tiresome burden of the expectations felt all too real these past few weeks, and this option was the only source of relief.

"And what if I do not fall pregnant, then what, Aegon? You would have no use of me, I would mean nothing to you. You have sired bastards before with unknown women, why not yet with me-"

"Don't say that-" One hand immediately stretched out reaching over towards yours that dangled hopelessly by your side, and his other reaching over towards your flustered cheek, his thumb grazing over your soft skin.

His height, although not as tall as his youngest, still towered over your polite frame. The distance now closed, you could examine the heartache struck across his face, as his glistening, lilac eyes lingered over you.

"Don't you ever speak those words again. You mean everything to me. With or without a child, Y/N, I shall love you always. You are mine. Mayhaps I have had a few children, although that was when I was young and futile, perhaps the drinking has rendered me impotent..."

You remain defeated in silence, engraining Aegon's sincere words into the core of your troubled mind, although feel another lingering gaze peering towards you. Hesitantly you turn ever so slightly towards Aemond direction, only to notice he'd been observing you both intently the entire time, his head slightly tilted in your direction, you'd caught him watching from his peripheral vision. You couldn't help but notice a sorrowful hint across his face, the smirk that had once eagerly occupied his lips, now disappeared, remaining pursed, before his eye dropped towards the view of the stony, cold floor.

"Y-You promise you'll stay with me," Your voice softly broke, as you choked against your words. Hot tears began to swell in your eyes, for you felt the guilt of betrayal fester in the pit of your stomach. Aegon would argue that this be a lesson for his past transgressions, and yet he did not disprove nor fight... He accepted what needed to be done.

"I promise, baby. It'll just be like how we always do it, okay?" His hand that cupped your face, now gently gripped your chin, as his thumb traced over your bottom lip. His sweet, upturned smile gleaming on his face, as he stroked away the few tears that managed to stream down.

"You may prepare yourself however you need to brother, I'll get her ready."

****

Aegon stayed true to his word, he mindfully eased you into the act. Wanting to warm your body up for the hopeful conception, undressing you, soothing you into the mindset to fuck.

"Such a good, good girl for me, so obedient."

He breathlessly whispered, in between each passionate kiss. His larger frame hovered atop of yours sprawled against the wide, soft bed. His trousers remained on, however his chest bare, his fleshy tummy pressed against your own, weighing you down as one hand glid gently across the sides of thigh, whilst the other supported your neck, shoving your face deeper into his as you kissed. Aegon being slightly heavier, he often succumbed to his weight, pinning himself down even more against your smaller body, and in this precise moment, you could feel his throbbing cock hardening against your exposed cunt.

"Hmm, Aegon-" You carelessly moan, the heat of your breath leaving a small, fade of moisture against his plump skin, as his lips escape yours.

He begins to leave a soft, wet trail of kisses down your neck line, making his way slowly towards the cleavage of your breasts, causing your body to eagerly shudder against his suckling motion. Hitting your sensitive spot, a small giggle escaped your lips, and moments after, you could feel Aegon's smile appearing against your skin in response.

"That's it baby, be the good girl that I know you are for me-"

As he repositioned his body further down, aligning his face towards the entrance of your now moist cunt, your gaze from the ceiling, as you opened your lustful eyes, down towards Aegon, you momentarily glimpsed as he gestured for his brother to join, tilting towards your direction.

Aemond now stripped naked, his body far more slimmer and lean than his older brother, you easily noticed the trace and outline of his prominent muscles. Although you greatly favoured Aegon's body and layer of fat that molded against his muscles, you could not deny that Aemond was a handsome figure also. It seemed the image of the Targaryens, regardless of shape nor size, were created authentically and yet so perfectly, by the favour of the Gods.

Laying himself cautiously down by your side, as though not to tease the risk of startling you, your unphased focus remained reciprocated towards each other, and yet there was no hesitation on Aemond's part, as his hand reaching over towards your face, as his long fingers gently seeped their way into the strands of your hair.

"Do not fret, Y/N. I am only here to perform my duty to the realm-"

And without a second to spare, Aemond's defined lips plummeted down against yours, where Aegon's once met. You felt that dreadful feeling beginning to entice in the depths of your stomach, an uneasy feeling churning as his tongue managed to peak its way through the gap of your mouth. Although, the sudden, reassuring squeeze of Aegon's hand in yours, as he looked up towards you, a small, warm smile reappearing on his face, your felt yourself beginning to give into the kiss.

"My sweet, sweet girl," Aegon's familiar, deep voice proclaimed, before his face began to comfortably nestle between your inner thighs. His mouth now agape at your entrance, his warm, wet tongue now began to lap at your wet folds, licking up the wetness that began to seep through, shoving himself deeper and deeper as he ate you out.

"Hmm", a low growl escaped your beloved husband's ravenous mouth, as Aegon's hands each snaked around your soft thighs, firmly pulling your legs further and further apart, in an attempt to widen the space to accomodate for his broad frame. Although he also felt the primal urge to widen your entrance more, as he delved his thick tongue deeper into your cunt, burying his face into the sensitive crevice of your wet entrance. He was known for his large appetite and that never stopped with feasts, he was always starving for your sweet, delicate taste.

As Aegon remained occupied below, Aemond found himself beginning to gain confidence and familiarity up top. Remaining by your side, slightly higher above you, his lean arms now snaked around your waist, in a poor and slight attempt to turn your body more towards him, as his lips remained encased against yours. Although, with Aegon's weight below, pinning you down from turning completely, your upper body remained slightly tilted towards him, one of his hands supporting your back from beneath as to not strain you, whilst the other began to firmly massage the swollen cup of your breast.

"A-Aemond-" You pleasantly whisper, uncertain of whether you wished for the moment to cease nor continue, you could not say. Aegon's tongue encircling your clit, whilst Aemond massaged the sweet spots of your tender breast, you lost the power of your own consciousness, helpless against the actions of the Targaryen brothers.

"Say it, Princess. Say my name, just like that-"

"Aemond" You moaned again, obedient to the younger brother's stern words, that he growled against your ear, it naturally sent a thrill of shivers coursing down your spine. Instinctively, a visceral reaction to the electrifying licking of Aegon's tongue between your inner folds, often grazing over your clit, your hips thrust forward, as your back arched, craving for more.

The oozing remnants of your cum that escaped Aegon's eager, ravenous mouth, would drip through the gaps and crevices down your inner thighs. Traces smothering against Aegon's plump cheeks form the jerky movements the sprung between you two.

"Okay brother, she's ready when you are-" And without a minute to spare, as though the brothers miraculously communicated telepathically, they jumped into action. Aegon breathless, stood himself up from the bed, leaving his younger brother to finish his mess. He attended to himself, hastily wiping his mouth clean with his hand, licking your sweet aftertaste from his fingers, as though he'd just devoured a succulent roast, savouring the moment, as he seated himself by the vacant seat near the dim fireplace. Aemond on the other hand, now positioned himself swiftly over you, his tip hovering over your entrance, before easing himself in. You'd closely noticed he was not as thick as his brother, as you easily took his mass between your folds, he did not stretch you out as his eldest brother would, however his cock was long and veiny, able to bury himself deeper into you.

"Are you okay?" He uttered, his eye fleeting over your tender, flustered face. You hadn't realised the precise moment he'd removed the notorious black, leather eye patch, as now a sapphire gem glistened back at you, in replacement of his lost eye.

"Y-Yes, I'm okay."

Slowly, ever so carefully, Aemond began to pace his thrusts, adjusting to your walls naturally clenching around his cock, you were unaware of whether Aemond had previously laid with a woman or not, although he seemed knowledgable enough to know what was required of him and how it needed to be done...

"Fuck-" He lowly moaned, as he shut his eyes instinctively, gradually beginning to fasten his pace. Aegon was often sloppy and slow when it came to fucking you, occasionally when he was close to his climax did he manage to gather some speed, although being a larger man, his endurance was easily exhausted, and he required periods of rest. Otherwise, he much preferred you working for it.

Aemond on the other hand, was eager to gain momentum himself, rather him putting in the effort. His body began to weight itself down against the forces of gravity, shoving and readjusting himself between your legs. Your arms had instinctively wrapped around Aemond's back, clinging to his muscular shoulders, for steadiness. You took his readjusting as a sign to bend them further up, bringing your knees up forward, as many woman had advised you in private councils, this to be an effective method to successfully take a man's seed.

You ashamedly couldn't bring yourself to turn to face Aegon, uncertain if he watched on closely as his younger brother fucked himself inside his own wife, or if he dared not burn the image into his memory. Regardless, it was happening, and if he wanted to he could've stopped it in a heartbeat, although no protest came from his end.

"Ugh, fuck-" Aemond repeatedly uttered, his breathing more shallow and fast, his head now resting against the side of your head, his grip on your hip and the other behind the crook of your sweaty neck tightened naturally. You mustered all the possible strength and will power you could, to not moan in response to Aemond's penetration, your lips pressed and pursed tightly, against the feeling of his cock throbbing intensely from within, occasionally managing to hit your sweet spot. His long, platinum hair had been he'd tied back into a low ponytail, as to keep it away from irritating your face, although your fingers found their way towards the back of his scalp, eagerly tugging at its roots.

"I'm so fucking close-" He panted, before groaning audibly, you were certain Aegon heard... Almost a bashful look struck across his chiseled, sweaty face, as he failed to maintain eye contact with you, turning to look up towards the head of the bed. It made you blush to think that you were causing such a visceral, feral reaction from the younger Prince.

The feeling of his warm load coating your insides, caused a much anticipated exhale of breath to escape your moist mouth, leaving your chest to heave in exhaustion, as your tits jiggled with each breath. Aemond's remained inside for a few minutes, making sure you took all of his seed well enough, he took the moment to compose his breathing too, as his hands stretched out on each side, cowering over you.

"The deed is done, brother-" Aemond breathlessly, uttered, as now he removed himself from within you, standing himself up off the bed, whilst Aegon returned to your side.

Hastily, he grabbed a set of fluffed pillows, from the head of the bed, positioning them just below your hips and bottom, causing your lower body to incline.

"Stay like this baby, it will help let the seed travel through you." He'd also managed to gather a blanket for you, as he covered your naked self, seating himself by your side, as he prepared a wet cloth to wipe over your forehead.

Still slightly breathless, you couldn't help though feel the hot tears begin to swell and fall from your eyes, as you examined what you had assumed was a dejected look on Aegon's face. You felt immensely guilty, and had wished he had not witnessed what he'd witnessed.

"I-I'm so sorry Aegon, how could you ever look at me the same."

His brows furrowed in haste, saddened once more by your words, he edged himself closer towards you, shushing you easily like a babe.

"Don't you ever think that, Y/N. This was my plan, my decision. I need to know if I am truly the problem, and if so what is to be done. This had to happen baby, do not think otherwise... Be thankful, Aemond was a willing candidate, he will not speak a word of this rest assured."

You stifle your cries, as Aegon parallel wipes away your fallen tears, and the strands of mottled hair. Aemond in the meantime, remains quiet and reserved, occupied with redressing himself, perhaps he too, feels ashamed.

"You promise to stop the drinking, no more ale, or wine or beer. And that you'll see the maester for some cure or remedy?" You persist, as you reach to grab Aegon's hand in yours.

"I promise I will," Aegon utters, leaning down towards you as he plants a soft kiss on your warm forehead, exchanging soft smiles with one another.

You turn to face Aemond with a thankful look, although he immediately cowers his gaze towards the floor.

"Perhaps I should leave-" Aemond awkwardly suggests, his focus fleeting from his brother to you, only to return back towards the ground, the faint sounds of his feet shuffling anxiously.

"Aemond-" You stretch out a hand over towards the mattress, and hesitantly Aemond returns the favour, holding your hand in his.

"I, well- We both do genuinely appreciate you for doing this. I understand it's an unimaginable thing to ask of someone, especially the secrecy that is to come with it, but rest assured... If the Gods do bless me with a child, I shall be honoured for you to remain present in the babe's life."

Aemond slowly nods his head in agreement to your words, a shy smile forming over his handsome, young face as your grip of him tightens reassuringly.

"The honour was mine, that you both entrusted me with this responsibility. I would wish for nothing more than that, thank you, Y/N. Although, I trust you both shall make dutiful, happy parents, by the efforts you both have gone to... The babe shall be blessed with a loving family, indeed."

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leportraitducadavre · 9 months

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Ino and Sakura

It's often said that Sakura cut off her ties with Ino for more reasons than just Sasuke. For some fans, she even did it because Ino was pushing her down purposefully in order to be always on top.

In that sense, and while this post has been written in another response, the other one will soon become a monster too huge to control, so I'll leave this here for better access and to better expand their relationship for those who are interested.

A warning you should know: Many images are shown while others are linked (pay attention to the underlined-bold words, they'll guide you to the image analyzed).

Despite the claims introduced before, on the panels we were shown their previous relationship during their childhood at no point did Ino seem to downgrade Sakura -either physically or mentally-, on the contrary, she's constantly shown trying to lift her spirits, like when she complements her looks:

Let the world see that pretty face!! Strike a pose!

At no point did Ino downgrade Sakura or put herself above; telling Sakura to show confidence doesn’t automatically put her in a higher position in their friendship.

To explain myself further: providing help when someone needs it isn’t the same as putting oneself in a morally or physically superior position. Their relationship is of equals regardless of Ino supplying emotional support. The fact that Sakura inwardly elevates Ino's relevance in their dynamic isn’t Ino’s responsibility as everything Sakura thinks of Ino is never expressed (translated, Ino isn't aware of her position inside their friendship, as she's never told her relevance). Furthermore, Ino never states that she considers herself attractive or prettier than Sakura herself, every time they speak on the matter Ino tells Sakura to be more confident as she has a "pretty face".

Him! Hah! He just struts around, acting like he’s so cool.

At no moment does Ino seem upset at Sakura for liking the same boy, in fact, she chooses to lie about how she feels for Sasuke in order not to start a conflict. This is, of course, not specified in canon, but since Ino doesn't display her feelings for Sasuke and, quite the contrary, she criticizes him, it's safe to assume she lied about her feelings.

And even if Ino is upset about Sakura liking the same boy as her, something that is neither expressed nor shown, she doesn’t act around it.

Furthermore, Sakura engages in conversations with Ino about Sasuke (Hey, Ino! Sasuke seems to like girls with long hair, so I’m going to grow mine…) and it doesn’t seem as if Ino dismisses the subject out of jealousy.

Everyone says you’re after Sasuke too, Ino…

I'm aware that some fans, specifically S//S and Saku-Ino fans, claim that Sakura assumed Ino liked Sasuke and Ino, in retaliation, started to like him back to make Sakura jealous (?), however, unlike those fans who think Ino's whole character revolves around Sakura (she is, indeed, a supporting character of her, but she outgrew her role to the point where she's barely seen with Sakura after the Chünin Exams) I do believe that Ino truly liked Sasuke and that she was indeed surprised by Sakura having equal feelings for him.

[I will here say that, personally, those who diminish Ino's feelings for Sasuke to use that "lesser" type of love (there's nothing like a "lesser" type of love, there're different ways to love someone. Caring for someone romantically doesn't reflect equally on each individual), as a justification why Sakura "deserved" Sasuke are carrying a sexist view inside their reading of the manga: Cartoon or not, Ino is still a representation of a woman yet, for them, she isn't as valuable as Sakura because she loved Sasuke in a different manner she did.

They're measuring Ino, Karin, and even Sakura's value by the way they display their respective feelings for a man.

In the same manner, Karin, who shows more sexual desire for Sasuke (I will not deny her romantical feelings, but she is clearly more driven by her sexual interest in him), is not less of a woman or less deserving of being with him because of the nature of her feelings.

There's no such thing as a "suffering-meter" that determines which character suffered the most out of love and, therefore, who deserves a happy ending with the object of their affection. That not only links love's nature primarily to suffering but also measures a person's romantic value in terms of how much pain they can endure (either for their significant other or provoked by their significant other).]

Again, Ino doesn’t act around her feelings for Sasuke (in the next flashback Ino -despite knowing Sasuke likes girls with long hair, keeps her own hair short) nor around her friend's attraction.

It was Sakura the one who decided to break their friendship because someone (unspecified) told her Ino liked Sasuke in the same way she did.

This is how we learn about their breakup:

Chapter 53

If it's true... that makes us rivals!

Keep in mind that, until then, we only knew Ino was Sakura’s rival, it's Shikamaru the one that introduces the idea of Sakura and Ino being best friends once, and we have these panels to understand a little bit more about their prior relationship.

This rumor is, in fact, truthful as they do become rivals -so why would Ino allow this break-up if she truly didn't like Sasuke? It makes absolutely no sense, meaning that this theory of Ino faking her attraction to Sasuke is completely false, as she canonically is infatuated with him. Furthermore, when confronted, she chooses not to lie about her romantic interest in him to Sakura. The expression of Ino when hearing Sakura’s words is “uh-oh!”, which means she was keeping her feelings secret from her friend.

In chapter 54, we have a sneak peek at Sakura’s development as a ninja: After Naruto and Sasuke fight Orochimaru (and pass out), and Lee sacrifices his well-being in order to save her from the Oto team, Sakura cuts her hair as to free herself from Kin’s hold. Up to this point, we know this part is significant because of what Sakura thinks before doing it, but by Ino’s reaction, there’s something far deeper going on (Hey, Ino! Sasuke seems to like girls with long hair, so I’m going to grow mine…).

Her attack against Zaku isn't successful and, after barely hurting him, she has no more energy to continue (so she bites him). And here's when we have Ino’s flashback:

Chapter 54 - The flashback continues but all have been addressed previously.

The rivalry was started solely by Sakura. There’s no denying that Ino took up on that rivalry and started to act consequentially, but she wasn’t the one initiating it.

"I noticed your hair is lot longer, Ino" "What is it to you, Sakura?!!"

Let's acknowledge something, in this specific panel, it was Sakura who started their interaction (in a hostile manner, also) because she wanted to tell Ino about her position in Team 7.

She assumed Ino grew her hair long because of Sasuke -it isn't clear when was their fallout, but it must have been years prior to their graduation, so either they didn't see each other as much (or at all) since they went their separate ways, or Ino grew her hair long shortly after the beginning of the show, so there were at least a few years after their breakup when she still has her hair short.

It's safe to assume Ino did, in fact, keep her hair long for Sasuke's sake, yet it's not confirmed she did so to appeal to him, as she keeps growing it after his departure and it's shown how most people of her clan have their hair in a ponytail style, including her father.

So Ino, you'll never beat me now.

Despite some translations stating that Sakura said “I won’t lose to you anymore” (we were shown at no point in the manga how Sakura exactly lost against Ino), the official translation states otherwise -Sakura never exactly “lost” against Ino, nor Ino against Sakura.

Sakura's statement is based on Sasuke being on the same team as her, therefore, for this fact alone, Ino will never "win". Their whole rivalry is based on Sasuke. Now that Sakura is assigned to the same team as him, she has a better chance of winning his romantic reciprocation, therefore, Sakura's prospects are better than her rival's, which makes her the sole winner.

Yet, regardless of their mutual hostility, Ino still jumps to save her former friend, which means that she still has a deep connection with Sakura. Her face when remembering their childhood was a deeply troubled one, perhaps even mournful. In addition, by this point, Sasuke is unconscious: He isn’t able to see Ino’s heroic act, something Ino is aware of yet acts as if that is the sole reason why she jumped in.

After the fight, we have these panels:

To put some context: Naruto asks Sakura who “these guys are” when seeing Shikamaru, Chöji, Lee, and Ino; and after Sakura “thanks them”, Ino thinks that she’s selling herself short. Ino is shown constantly either telling Sakura or thinking of her as someone pretty and capable yet still self-conscious, even tho Sakura would have likely died had Ino and Team 10 not intervened, as Sasuke awoke after their tactic failed. Ino and Team 10 were saved by Team Gai and Sasuke, not Sakura.

During their fight in the preliminary rounds (CH 71), Sakura is particularly cruel:

First of all, she claims control and power of decision-making over a boy who has rejected her advances twice and who's not even present at the moment (he could, and honestly would, easily deny them both of the romantical reciprocation they sought). She starts their fight by trying to downgrade both Ino’s self-esteem (physically) and status in their “rivalry” (which she claims is now non-existent, as Sakura is the "winner" by being in the same team as Sasuke) -Ino’s words are a response to Sakura’s attitude.

[Kakashi saying that Sakura isn’t mean doesn’t make it automatically true -first, Kakashi doesn’t know Sakura that well as to claim she wouldn’t bully a person just because (she often displayed such an attitude towards Naruto during their first interactions, particularly when she told Sasuke that Naruto was annoying because he was parentless, Kakashi saw and knew none of that). Second, what he knows about Ino and Sakura’s relationship is what he read on a piece of paper -he knows nothing about how they actually interacted, nothing about their “power imbalance”, and, furthermore, he does nothing about Sakura’s insecurities -he hoped that Sakura would come around when the Chünin Exams came, but the whole reason she did so was because of Sasuke’s support.]

Sakura internally acknowledges Ino’s relevance in her life (1 and 2) yet none of that is actually told to Ino -who’s left in the dark. The last impression she possesses of Sakura is about her not being good enough to maintain a friendship outside their respective crushes on the same boy. Sakura, even without them being friends, still seeks Ino’s acknowledgment -the only one who is then made to do something for their relationship is Ino.

Personal opinion: Sakura hasn’t surpassed Ino. Much less at this point in the manga.

It’s Sakura the one who makes their rivalry just about Sasuke (here), while Ino states that she will not allow her to “show her up” (thus, for her, it seems to be more than just their shared crush on a boy, even during Asuma's last speech he tells her not to allow Sakura to win in "ninjutsu and love"), Sakura solely focuses on being on the same team as Sasuke as a signal of superiority; something she did absolutely nothing to gain as it was mere luck:

The teams are to be balanced and that’s why they put the dead last (Naruto) with the Rookie of the Year (Sasuke), there’s no canonical mention of Sakura’s part in the matter. The belief that she was put there because she was the “brightest” is a fanon belief (x). Furthermore, according to the Report Cards in the First Fanbook, Ino was behind Sasuke; making her the second-best overall and the best kunoichi amongst them (x).

Furthermore, Kakashi specifically visits Naruto's house alongside the Hokage who introduces him to the team he'll be leading, and at no moment do they even mention Sakura.

Meanwhile Ino, canonically speaking, would never be put on the same team as Sasuke, as she's the Yamanaka heir -her destiny was always to be with Chöji and Shikamaru.

Here

I’m not your little tag-along anymore Ino

Sakura says this in order to gain an emotional reaction -Ino is shocked by the words because she's never shown to consider Sakura to be what her former friend claims she used to be. Sakura is then painting the memories of their relationship in a negative light, downgrading it. What for Ino was a real friendship, to Sakura was a relationship of power.

[This is not a negative thing per se, Sakura needed a support system that Ino provided as she was too shy to socialize with anyone. What she's saying now is that she doesn't need Ino in order to interact with others. For Sakura is a positive thing, as she probably hated being "Ino's tag along", however, that doesn't change the negative impact that it has on Ino who never saw Sakura as a burden.]

Sakura's views of their dynamic diminish its relevance in her life and put Ino in the wrong (almost making her the abusive side of the relationship). Ino never reached for Sakura in order to make her her “tag-along”, Sakura was the one who put herself in that position.

I'm not blatantly denying Sakura's views on their former friendship, but from what we can see in canon, those views are either a lie she tells Ino to emotionally drag her during their match (stated before by Kakashi, she wants Ino to take her seriously), or a twisted version of the events transpired.

Much like with Sasuke, the fact that Sakura puts the weight of her well-being on another person’s shoulders means that she’s not responsible for the outcome or what her actions might entail: That’s why she makes Ino responsible for their fallout -hadn’t Ino liked the same boy, she wouldn’t have ended their relationship.

Sakura calling Ino a witch.

At the end of their fight, is Ino who -again, reaches out to Sakura and waits for her to wake, and, again: She gives her support.

We have a new interaction between them in CH 93 -where we see both of them visiting Sasuke in the hospital and bringing him a flower, there, we get to see them talking outside a ninja setting and inside Ino's flower shop.

1) It's established Sakura doesn't visit the flower shop until then.

2) They still bicker over Sasuke, the basis of their relationship hasn't changed after the Chünin Exams, but they seem to get along better.

3) Sakura learned the flowers' meaning in order to compete with Ino.

They even sit together in CH 99 to see the one-on-one fights of the last round of the exams, and while both Ino and Sakura are equally concerned about Sasuke, it's Ino the one who tells Sakura to cheer Naruto on during his match. How is Ino this "bad person who diminished Sakura" when she shows nothing but concern for her crush (Sasuke), her former friend (Sakura), and her rival's teammate (Naruto)? Furthermore, in CH 105, Ino realizes Sakura's change in mood when she admits (internally) to being somewhat jealous of Naruto.

After Shikamaru's match, once Sasuke appears, Ino compliments Sakura's team, praising both Sasuke and Naruto; Sakura's reaction isn't shown as the main focus is Lee -who hears Ino speaking-, but it amazes me how many people try to paint Ino's character as "shallow" and a "bully" when she has done nothing but encourage and praise those around her even when they're not close enough to hear her.

Then, after Sasuke's Retrieval Arc, Ino even goes as far as to look for Sakura once Shimamaru's team returns (x), and she even prioritizes Chöji before Sasuke (who they don't know actually left, x). How is Ino such a shallow, careless monster (who doesn't truly care for Sakura) if she goes out of her way to find her and inform her of their friends' return? Wouldn't have she taken the opportunity to visit Sasuke by herself? Wouldn't she have chosen to visit her crush first rather than Chöji if she was that obsessed with him and against Sakura?

In a way, and this is not to diminish some of the writing problems the author has, Ino is a nice representation of how Kishimoto is actually capable of writing a girl with a simple crush on a boy, who still prioritizes friends and comrades above the man she likes. Sakura's behavior, therefore, can't be attributed to Kishimoto not "knowing how to write women", but to him giving Sakura specific characteristics that just happen to be disliked by the fandom. In retaliation, her stans decide to blame such personality traits on his "incapability" to write female characters before giving them the actual relevance they have over Sakura's character.

#ino yamanaka #anti inosaku #anti sakuino #not exactly anti sakura #but you know how it is #anti sakura haruno #anti sakura #anti sakura fandom #anti sakura uchiha #naruto analysis #naruto meta #anti ss #anti sss #anti sasusaku #brief mentions of:#sasuino #sasukarin

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bbobpul · 11 months

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being with you doesn't feel like drowning — lmk

PAIRING. bff!mark lee x bff!reader SUMMARY. reader tries to confess to mark in hopes that their feeling will disappear once they let it out of their chest. GENRE. angst, unrequited love, best friends to strangers, reunion W/C. 3.4k NOTE. i love boygenius so it's mandatory to listen to cool about it while reading FOR THE FEELS (0.0)!→ my other works

certain people from our youth leave an indelible mark on us, whether they are senior role models, acquaintances who brighten our days, or individuals who meant so much but eventually drifted apart. their presence, guidance, and impact shape our experiences and stay with us long after we part ways, reminding us of the significance of human connections and the lasting effects they have on our lives.

surely one of the saddest experiences but the best stories to tell.

mark lee is undoubtedly an incredibly lovable person. many people who know him would agree wholeheartedly. he embodies kindness and provides a comforting presence that draws people towards him. mark is like a ray of sunshine, approachable and warm.

in my personal experience, he has been a significant source of support during my college journey. his friendly demeanor attracts people, and many individuals wish to befriend him. some are too shy to approach him directly, so they often approach me as a way to connect with him, like a bridge to his vibrant social circle.

when i first entered high school, i had certain expectations of what mark lee might be like based on stereotypical characters from tv shows—cocky and popular. however, i quickly discovered that mark was different. despite any changes that high school brought, he remained the same kid i had grown up with.

i vividly remember the times when he would run to me for support when kids from our neighborhood were being mean to him. he trusted me enough to confide in me when his first crush rejected him, not knowing that i was also on the verge of tears myself. mark lee is someone who is so easy to love, and that's what makes him incredibly difficult to forget.

his genuine and vulnerable nature, his loyalty and trust in our friendship, have left a lasting impression on me. mark's authenticity and ability to connect on a deeper level are what set him apart. despite the ups and downs, he remains a constant presence in my life, a person i hold dear in my heart.

i consider myself incredibly fortunate to have been noticed by mark in a way that felt truly special, surpassing the attention he gave to others he met during high school. it was a privilege that should have brought me immense gratitude, yet i couldn't help but harbor a conflicting desire for something more. in my heart, i battled with feelings of self-doubt and yearning, torn between appreciating the unique connection we shared and longing for a deeper bond that seemed just out of reach.

sitting on the benches near the school gates with my friend donghyuck, i couldn't contain the overwhelming emotions within me any longer. "i really love him, hyuck. so much," i confessed, my voice filled with a mixture of vulnerability and excitement. it was a quiet moment between the two of us, as we had been dismissed early from school due to our lazy professor. as we waited for mark, who had some errands to run, i seized the opportunity to confide in donghyuck, trusting him with my deepest feelings and hoping for some guidance or understanding in return.

his response took me aback. "that sucks, man," he said, his words carrying a sense of sympathy. i stared at him in disbelief, hoping for some encouragement or guidance, but his straightforward suggestion caught me off guard. "just tell him," he continued, his voice laced with conviction. "it probably will disappear once you get your feelings off your chest."

"it won't. i know it won't work," i replied, my voice tinged with a sense of resignation. i recalled my previous attempts to convey my feelings to mark, even if it was in a lighthearted manner, and the lingering affection that persisted throughout the years. graduation was approaching, yet this feeling had taken root long before i even set foot in the halls of our school.

as the weight of my unrequited feelings continued to burden me, i added another layer of complexity to the situation. "i also can't tell him right now," i confessed, a hint of frustration evident in my voice. "he's apparently involved with this girl from stem."

"did he tell you that?" he asked, his voice filled with skepticism.

"no," i replied, realizing that i had simply heard it through the grapevine without any confirmation from mark himself.

"then it's not true," hyuck asserted, his words resonating with a sense of certainty. i looked at him, a glimmer of hope flickering within me.

"you are his best friend, y/n," he continued, his voice gentle yet matter-of-fact. "if he likes someone, you'll be the first one he'll talk to. sadly." his words struck a chord, emphasizing the closeness of my friendship with mark and the trust we shared.

hyuck's words resonated deeply within me, stirring a newfound determination. "try, y/n," he urged, his voice filled with encouragement.

and try, i would. i made up my mind to release the weight of my unspoken emotions, regardless of whether or not mark would reciprocate my feelings. it was no longer about seeking validation or hoping for a specific outcome. instead, it was about freeing myself from the burden of unexpressed affection, allowing my heart to find solace in the act of honesty. i realized that true liberation lay in the courage to let my emotions be known, even if it meant accepting the possibility of unrequited love.

as fate would have it, just as i resolved to confront my feelings and open myself up to vulnerability, the universe seemed to conspire in its own mischievous way. "y/n," a familiar voice called out, capturing my attention. there he was, mark lee, waving at me with an infectious smile adorning his face.

my heart skipped a beat as a mixture of excitement and nervousness coursed through me. it was as if the universe was testing my newfound resolve, presenting me with an opportunity to seize the moment. with a deep breath, i mustered the courage to meet his gaze, ready to embark on a journey that would reveal the truth of my emotions and pave the way for whatever lay ahead.

"hey, man," mark greeted donghyuck with a warm smile before his attention shifted towards me. his eyes locked with mine, and he uttered those words that sent a surge of anticipation through me, "let's go home?"

his invitation caught me off guard, my heart fluttering at the thought of spending more time with him. it's not like this is the first time we are walking home together. without hesitation, i nodded, my own smile mirroring his. "sure, let's go," i replied, unable to conceal the excitement bubbling within me.

as we bid farewell to donghyuck at the school gates, mark and i ventured further into the outside world. the sun gently kissed our faces as we strolled side by side, our footsteps creating a harmonious rhythm. in that moment, mark's words washed over me, his voice filled with a warmth and sincerity that melted my heart.

"let's just walk, hmm?" he suggested, his eyes twinkling with a hint of playfulness. "i didn't see you much today, so i want to spend more time with you." it was a simple request, but it held profound meaning for me. this was the side of mark that had always made me swoon—the one who sought my company, who cherished our moments together. the tenderness in his words enveloped me, igniting a sense of belonging and significance.

as we walked side by side, heading towards home, i couldn't help but wonder if this would be the moment to gather my courage and express what had been weighing on my heart. it was a chance to lay bare my feelings and discover where our paths might converge. with each step, the anticipation grew, filling the air with a mix of hope, apprehension, and the promise of a newfound chapter in our intertwined lives.

as if synchronized by an invisible thread connecting our hearts, the words escaped our lips simultaneously, "i want to tell you something." a moment of lighthearted surprise passed between us before a shared smile graced our faces.

with a gentle nod, i urged mark to speak first, my curiosity piqued and a warmth of anticipation spreading within me. i wanted to hear what he had to say, to immerse myself in his world of thoughts and emotions.

"hmm, i'm sure you already heard about the rumors," my heart sank as mark began to speak, his words hit me like a wave of disconnection, momentarily distancing us. despite my own hopes, i forced myself to listen, desperately clinging to the possibility that he would deny it.

"and before you scold me, i'm sorry, okay?" he interjected, a touch of remorse coloring his words. "i'm sorry for not telling you first. it's just that you've been so busy with your debate stuff. but yes, the rumors are true." his words were filled with a sense of happiness, but inside, i felt a pang of sadness. i wanted to push my own feelings aside, to let him speak and find solace in his words, even if it meant disregarding my own desires and wishes.

in the brief silence that followed mark's confession, my mind raced to process the reality of his words. one, two, three seconds passed as i grappled with a mix of emotions. however, before i could fully retreat into my thoughts, mark's voice broke through the haze, calling my name and snapping me back to reality.

"that's cool, mark," i managed to say, mustering a tone of enthusiasm, despite the conflicting emotions swirling within me. his smile widened, and for a fleeting moment, i allowed myself to believe that i had successfully masked my true feelings. in that instant, his happiness became my focus, setting aside my own desires to ensure his joy remained undisturbed.

"what was it that you wanted to say?" mark inquired, his curiosity urging me to share my thoughts.

"ah," i stammered, desperately searching for words to divert the conversation. "you know, i just wanted to mention that my debate commitments have been overwhelming lately, and i feel like i need some rest." i fabricated an explanation, my mind struggling to conjure up plausible details. but as the words left my lips, my thoughts turned into a blank canvas, drained of any creative energy. mark continued speaking, presumably attempting to uplift my spirits, but his words became distant and muffled as my focus waned.

lost in my own internal turmoil, i unknowingly made my way inside my house, the outside world fading into the background. the weight of my unspoken truth settled heavily upon my shoulders, leaving me to contemplate the consequences of my silence and the disconnection i felt in that moment.

the vibration of my phone jolted me back to reality. retrieving it from my pocket, i discovered a message from mark. the words on the screen were like a lifeline, a gentle reminder of his unwavering support.

from mark

you will do great, i just know. there's nothing you can't do, y/n.

lying on my bed, i attempted to convince myself that everything was okay, that i could handle this situation with composure. it was just a simple crush, i reassured myself, something that could be dismissed and forgotten. i resolved to force myself to let go, to erase the thoughts of him from my mind.

deep down, i yearned for him to kindly leave my thoughts, to release his hold on my heart. with these conflicting emotions swirling within me, i drifted off to sleep that night, whispering to myself that one day, perhaps, i would forget about it, though uncertain if that day would ever truly arrive.

as ten years elapsed, bringing us to the present, the time had come for our high school reunion, an event i had initially considered skipping. donghyuck, however, was relentless in his insistence that i attend. inwardly, i grappled with my own reservations, questioning the root of my hesitation. after all, they were just old friends, right? well, except for mark. but it had been a decade since we last saw each other, and i reminded myself that everything had changed. including my feelings.

with a deep breath, i resolved to face the reunion head-on. it was an opportunity to reconnect with familiar faces and witness the transformations that time had wrought upon us all. i steeled myself, ready to navigate the evening with a newfound sense of confidence, curious to see how the passage of years had molded us into the individuals we had become. and in the back of my mind, a flicker of anticipation remained, wondering what the encounter with mark, the person who once held my heart, would bring.

as i arrived at the reunion, i was greeted by the familiar voice of donghyuck. a smile crossed my lips as i took in his playful remark. "y/n!" he exclaimed, his playful tone resonating in the air. "wow, you smell successful." it was a lighthearted comment, one that instantly brought back a flood of memories and reminded me of the bond we shared. i couldn't deny that i missed him, our friendship, and the easy banter we once had.

donghyuck then reminded me of the gathering, informing me that everyone was already seated and eagerly awaiting our arrival. it was a gentle nudge to set aside any remaining hesitations and fully embrace the moment. with a renewed sense of excitement, i followed donghyuck, ready to reunite with old friends and embark on a journey of reminiscence and rediscovery.

amidst the flurry of greetings from both familiar and unfamiliar faces, a part of me remained focused on one person. as i exchanged pleasantries and engaged in small talk, my heart quietly longed for the presence of that one individual. amongst the laughter and conversations that filled the room, i found myself eagerly awaiting the moment when our paths would cross once again.

time seemed to stretch as i scanned the room, searching for that familiar face that held so much significance in my life. each passing moment heightened the anticipation, the longing growing stronger with every passing second. it was as if the reunion revolved around the hope of reconnecting with this particular person, and i couldn't deny the depth of emotion that coursed through me.

in the midst of the gathering, surrounded by old memories and new conversations, i patiently held onto the belief that this encounter held the potential to reignite a flame that had flickered in my heart for years.

"hey, y/n." the sound of my name, uttered in a familiar voice, sent a shiver down my spine. i turned around, my heart racing, and there he was—the man i had loved for years and spent a decade trying to forget. as my gaze met his, i couldn't help but notice the changes that time had wrought upon him. he exuded a sense of maturity, yet his smile remained as captivating as ever, instantly evoking memories of our shared youth.

in that moment, a flood of emotions washed over me, overwhelming yet undeniably familiar. it was as if time stood still, and the weight of our past connection resurfaced with an undeniable intensity. the years apart seemed to fade away as we stood face to face, and i found myself drawn back to a time when his presence had filled my world with warmth and excitement.

as we locked eyes, an unspoken language passed between us, encapsulating a history of shared experiences and unspoken feelings. the passage of time had only deepened the significance of our connection, and in that instant, i couldn't help but wonder if the lingering embers of our past love had the potential to reignite into something more.

"it's nice to see you again," he said, his words carrying a hint of longing, as if he had missed me deeply. the sincerity in his voice echoed through my being, reigniting the familiarity of our connection.

"wanna catch up outside?" he asked, his eyes flickering towards the serene seaside just beyond the venue, as if beckoning us to a place where we could find solace in each other's company.

a surge of anticipation swept over me, my heart yearning for a chance to reconnect and unravel the mysteries of the past decade. "mark, it's so nice to see you here," i replied, a genuine smile playing on my lips. "sure, let's go."

with each step we took towards the peaceful seaside, it felt as if we were embarking on a journey to rediscover the unspoken words and unfulfilled promises of our youth. the possibilities lay open before us, as the waves whispered tales of past memories and the sea breeze carried the promise of a shared future.

"you suddenly disappeared after we graduated, why is that?" he asked

"i'm sorry, mark. something personal came up that we had to move." i answered and then silence engulfed us.

"how have you been?" i asked, my voice filled with genuine curiosity and a touch of apprehension. his response held the power to shape the course of our conversation, and i braced myself for the unexpected.

a faint smile graced his lips, revealing a glimmer of excitement and anticipation. it was a smile reminiscent of a child eager to share a significant achievement with their parents—a smile that hinted at something significant he wanted to convey. i couldn't help but notice the contrast between his current demeanor and the person i was ten years ago. back then, i would have approached this moment with unguarded optimism, but the passage of time had taught me to temper my expectations, shielding myself from potential hurt.

deep down, i acknowledged that there was a part of me prepared for disappointment, a defense mechanism against the potential pain that might follow. however, despite the self-imposed caution, i couldn't deny the flicker of hope that ignited within me, yearning for a connection that transcended the confines of time.

"i'm getting married in december," he said, his words cutting through the air with a bittersweet tone. his smile remained, but it was now tinged with a mixture of joy and sadness. "i'm so glad to see you today, y/n. you could be a part of my big day."

those words hit me like a wave, crashing against the fragile walls i had built to protect myself. the shards of my shattered heart from ten years ago seemed to reassemble, piercing me once more. the pain i thought i had long left behind resurfaced with an intensity i never anticipated.

the conflicting emotions within me waged a silent battle. on one hand, i wanted to be genuinely happy for him, to embrace the joy of his upcoming union. but on the other, a deep ache echoed within my soul, a longing for a different outcome, for a future where our paths intertwined.

as i absorbed the weight of his announcement, i mustered a smile, my voice trembling slightly. "congratulations, mark. i'm truly honored that you would consider me to be a part of your special day." behind my polite words, i hid the remnants of a broken heart, the realization that the pain of unrequited love had found its way back to me once again.

"and it's really nice to see how good you're doing. how far you've come. i am so proud of you, mark."

a heavy sigh escaped my lips as i grappled with the weight of my emotions. in that moment, i yearned to be selfish, to put my own desires and feelings first. but deep down, i knew the truth—i never had any rights to claim. i had been living in the shadows of unrequited love, forever playing the role of the understanding friend, while my heart silently yearned for something more.

method acting had become my expertise, allowing me to wear a mask of indifference, concealing the turmoil that raged within me. i mastered the art of pretending, adept at hiding the fact that being in his presence felt like a constant struggle to keep my head above water. i told him it was nice to see how well he was doing, but beneath the surface, the truth lingered, like an unspoken ache.

in the depths of my soul, i acknowledged the bitterness that threatened to consume me. it was a bitter truth that whispered in the recesses of my mind—i still loved him, and witnessing his happiness with someone else was a constant reminder of what i could never have. but i couldn't allow those feelings to tarnish the moments we shared, so i continued to play the role of the supportive friend, my true emotions concealed beneath the facade.

#Spotify #yo0nzino #mark lee x reader #mark lee imagines #nct dream angst #nct 127 x reader #nct dream imagines #nct dream x reader #nct scenarios #nct mark #nct 127 imagines #mark lee scenarios #mark lee angst #mark lee #nct drabbles

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myrthing · 3 months

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I am James Somerton.

or, This Is Not A Defence of James Somerton Because He Fucking Sucks

The thing I've been thinking about since I watched Folding Idea's unlisted video about Somerton's second apology yesterday is how much I recognised myself in Dan's analysis of James, and how conflicted I've felt since then.

I should start by saying that as a Swedish lesbian woman with autism, ADHD and MDD, who has neither college degrees nor work experience, but who does have scruples, burnout, a sense of responsibility, some talents (if no way to consistently use them), a desire to create, basic financial sense, and a living parent who can read; I'm actually not like James Somerton at all.

But those are really rather superficial differences, aren't they? What got me thinking is the line with which Folding Idea ends his video:

"Ambition without actions and avenues to achieve them are called fantasies."

That is both an accurate analysis of James Somerton's personal failings, and a summary of me. The ambition to be something without the ability to put in the work needed to succeed. A deep-rooted optimism about how things will always work out in the end, somehow.

In James's case, this is currently demonstrated by his unwavering conviction that he will be able to return to YouTube. He hasn't considered the alternative. I don't think he can—the idea that he has permanently destroyed his chances of being a youtuber is too big, too real, so instead of engaging with that reality, he pretends to himself that he can't see it. Out of sight, out of mind. Literally, apparently, if we take James's account of his TBI at face value.

I want many, many things. I have many, many ideas. I would like to be a successful [anything]. I have imagined myself in many careers, from freelance editor to self-published author to youtuber. Anything that would, like James, enable me to work from home. It's partially desperation: after all, how else would I get a job as a disabled woman in her mid-30s who has never been employed and who can't go back to school?

I'm also loath to the idea of doing work. Self-employment is hard and it requires dedication. I would like to have already achieved my success, thank you very much. None of us can say what the reasons are behind James's unwillingness to work (although laziness is certainly not unlikely). For me, though? It's probably a combination of certain autism symptoms that I've dealt with since I was a child, and the burnout I suffered from in high school. Those aren't excuses, they're embarrassing weights I carry around to remind me of why I'm a failure.

This is what has been on my mind because of Somerton. I found myself not empathising with him, but recognising certain attitudes as a mid-30s adult with a disability (between the TBI and epilepsy as Somerton describes them, he certainly qualifies as disabled) who has been largely shielded from consequences. Although James certainly also seems willfully ignorant of his actual faults in a way I don't think I am. If nothing else I do know how to genuinely apologise. And I can cite sources! I know how to do that even without completing though school or managing even one term in university!

My mother—who can read, thank you very much—would eviscerate me if didn't. Besides, I entered fandom shortly after Cassie Clare's plagiarism scandal. It was instructional.

This is a goddamn ramble, so I'm going to end this by putting all cards on the table, and admit I actually have one (more) thing in common with James Somerton:

My dad, you see, can't read.

Because he's dead. I'M SORRY I'M NOT SORRY I CAN'T NOT MAKE THESE JOKES HE DIED WHEN I WAS TWO

#james somerton #autism #myling: just that impossible to shut the fuck up

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vaspider · 3 months

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Yo, so this is less so a specific ask and more me having the need to verbalize some stuff with the option of getting input from someone with a more knowledgable perspective. I have been thinking a fair bit about Judaism and dabbling with the idea of converting to it. I don’t think it’s something for me, but I am tentatively thinking about the option.

The thing is. I assume you’re familiar with the difference between hard magic and soft magic systems in writing. (If not, the tldr is hard magic is defined with hard rules and limitations and soft magic is more ambiguous and fluid.) And I think my basic thing is that I am very open to what you could call soft spirituality and faith, but unable to jell with any hard beliefs.

For example I can never get myself to really entertain the idea of an afterlife being set up in a very specific way with specific rules and where you know what is happening and why. But I saw that tweet that went around a while ago that was like “I hope that death is like being a child at a party and falling asleep, so somebody carries you to bed and I hope when I die I can still hear the laughter from the other room” and that fucked me up beyond words.

I have gone through a couple religions and beliefs over my life and never found a framework that really fit with me, but in the past couple of years I have developed a lot and realized I have a yearning for spiritual things. My current view could probably best be described as a pantheist leaning agnostic enamored with the idea of belief and experience shaping purpose and giving structure… sort of. As well as the power of belief and to change the way you see the world for the better. It’s hard to explain specifically the angle I like.

The reason I am caught up on Judaism rn is that in a lot of ways it seems to be based around a lot of soft spirituality. I am absolutely in love with the idea that god, or the divine, or spirit, whatever one may call it is not something concrete, not one existence, but more of a force like the laws of physics, or the rules of math. I adore the idea of little rituals and rules to bring god into your life and through that connecting you to culture and history and people and community and spirituality. I love the idea you talked about some time in the past of the four kinds of jews, based on studying the scriptures and following the rules, and that even those who do neither are still a vital part of the jewish people and are needed for it to be whole. There’s so many little details that appeal to me so strongly, because they’re exactly the kind of stuff I am yearning for.

But I feel like the hard aspects keep me away. I love the idea of rules and rituals to shape your life, but I don’t think I could follow the rules of Judaism, because having a preset set of rules feels too hard for me. Similarly I love the idea of studying the texts and the never ending pursuit of decifering the meaning and arguing about it, but I don’t think I could get interested in ever doing it, because having a specific text to do it with is too hard.

So I feel very conflicted, because the way Judaism feels to me from the outside, it shows me both the soft aspects of spirituality I absolutely adore and yearn for, and at the same time the hard aspects that keep me away from religion. And they feel very connected and interwoven.

And it feels like especially as a convert being a part of it is connected with a huge amount of the hard aspects and a lot of work that goes into those. I’d have to first figure out if there is even any jewish denominations (is that the right word?) near where I live that don’t do circumcision and that aren’t on the conservative side (I have no idea how the situation is where I live) and then do all the studies and the entire process involved in converting (which I admittedly don’t know very much about either, so I might be overstating this) to be part of something I would immediately take a half step away from because I’m only really interested in the ideas behind the actual elements of it and not as much the elements themselves if that makes sense?

I guess this is pretty rambly, but maybe you have some input, or something smart to say and if not I hope I’m not coming across as this guy right now:

I think that in the process of writing this ask, you seem to have figured out that this isn't for you right now. If you get to a point where all of those things aren't standing in your way but are a to-do list, that will be when you know it's for you.

And they're generally called movements, not denominations.

#very old ask #Judaism

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velvet-vox · 2 months

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The paradoxical nature of Qilby: part 2

Going back to the end of the previous part where I declared Qilby an autism icon, it came to me the realisation that autism is really the only way to justify some of Qilby's actions and odd behaviour; as a big brother and autistic person myself I also would force the people I care about to engage in my interests, I understand on a subconscious level that what I am doing is wrong, but I just care about it so much that I need to share it with them at all costs.

(Even though I would never go as far as starting a war with another species just to force my race to go on a family trip with me).

And like, no offence to Yugo or the Elatrope council but it is my theory that all the Yugo haters have begun popping up due to some people head cannon that him and his family is inadvertently ableist, which (although I might agree considering their dynamic and who their mother is) I don't think it's completely warranted; as someone else pointed out if mental health and psycho analysis existed in the Krosmoz then Nox would have never come to be; if somebody explained what autism is to Yugo then maybe he would be more lenient on Qilby (or maybe not, after all he is his brother), Nora also doesn't know about autism but she is more accepting of Qilby's oddities even if she doesn't like them, and Qilby SURE AS HECK DOESN'T KNOW WHAT AUTISM IS.

Side note: Shinonome is not necessarily autistic, since my sister understands me perfectly and she isn't on the autism spectrum herself, but she clearly has inherited her more passive personality from her mother while Qilby has probably taken more from his father meaning that even if she was she probably wouldn't go about it in the boisterous manner of his twin.

However all of this is just a head canon and not the focus of this post. What I instead want to point out and analyse is the list-like approach of Qilby to anything and how that reflects the way many autistic people approach mostly every conflict in their life. Let me explain:

The way this list-like methodology works is entirely centered around a priority system, so basically Qilby schematizes in his head what he needs to do and say in which order and he has to follow it religiously in order to get anything done, so like on his to do list there is:

First: Confront Adamai and Grougal. Second: Get Rushu's army and alliance. Third: Confront Yugo and Phaeris and take them out. Fourth (interchangeable with third): Get the Dofus. Fifth: Go the Emrumb to get the children. And Sixth: Leave the planet.

And he has to do them in this order because this is the way that he has envisioned them.

This is also reflected in the way that he goes about science and space travel: he reaches a planet, discovers his species, analyses them, classifies them, compartmentalizes them, collects some, rinse and repeat in the next world.

And finally, I want to bring up his two most famous sentences of season 4 to showcase how this priority based thought process carries on to his speech pattern and family view.

"My dear Yugo, we are brothers, before being enemies"

See?

Qilby realises on his relationship list that Yugo is its enemy, but that before that he is its brother, that's what has the biggest priority for him in this moment and in general. But that's not even the most interesting part:

"Farewell Yugo. My brother, my king."

This phrase of course has been plastered all over the fanbase, but like.... did anybody ever think about how weird this sentence is? You would expect Qilby to say brother as his last word, as a final acceptance nod to the fact that deep down he does care about Yugo. But no. Instead he says:

"Good luck"(the situation's dramatic, so he's giving Yugo an encouragement as the first thing)

"My brother,"(Yugo is his demigod brother born from another Dofus)

"My king."(lastly, Yugo is also his king, as sentenced by Chibi in a previous life)

Qilby could have just called Yugo brother as his last word to show that he cares, but instead he decides to call him king, a title that means very little to him on their relationship chart, to show that he values him so much that he is going to use a term that means very little to him just to let Yugo know that he is willing to acknowledge the part of their brotherhood that he doesn't care about as a substitute acceptance nod to the aspect of their dynamic that he values the most.

<<<<Previous part

Oropo analysis

#wakfu yugo #wakfu season 2 #wakfu qilby #wakfu season 4 #wakfu adamai #wakfu grougaloragran #wakfu phaeris #wakfu shinonome #krosmoz #ankama #autism #autistic traits #autistic trauma #wakfu nora #wakfu nox #wakfu eliatrope #wakfu chibi #wakfu

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inkandguns · 8 months

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I’m having a veteran moment.

I absolutely can’t stand hearing the civilians try to Monday morning quarterback the Israel/Hamas conflict.

There’s two classes of men - the warrior class and non-warrior class. Those who have carried arms in to battle against other men simply can’t convey the gravity of that to men that haven’t.

The warrior class answered the call of duty - to nation, family, or home. They prepared for months or years to greet the enemy in battle. They savored mere minutes of sleep in mud and shitholes across the globe. When I hear the words, “I would have enlisted, but…” I am filled with emotions. Since I moved away from Fort Carson I haven’t given it much thought. I’ve met maybe one or two combat vets in Washington.

In many situations I feel alone. The non-warrior class is so foreign to me that sometimes I feel like no one will ever understand me. But this week I’ve felt a shitload of anger. Hearing civilians discuss a bloody and hateful armed conflict has been making my blood boil.

Please, and by all means, discuss the geopolitics of the conflict. Discuss the implications for first world nations. But it enrages me when these soft-hands desk worker types get involved in the tactical discussions. It’s like hearing Walmart cashiers discuss the finer (or not so fine) points of astrophysics.

What frustrates me even more is that people fail to understand why those of us who have experienced war want to avoid it at all costs.

I took a pragmatic view of land warfare. It’s a necessary part of human existence. It made me a better man and made me have a new level of respect for my fellow humans, but it also made me understand that the taking of a human life must be absolutely deliberate and justified. One can only rally have a true and genuine appreciation of life once they realize how fleeting it is.

Loomer and Shapiro say wipe Gaza off the map, the DSA says spill more Jewish blood. Meanwhile, men of the warrior class are putting in real work.

But for me, personally, I don’t want any of my tax dollars going to more bloodshed in a region of the world where they can’t stop killing each other.

After seeing broken bodies by the roadside and family members grieving war casualties, I have a strange relationship with war. I’ve lost brothers to suicide, and struggled with it myself at times.

Now when I put a shovel in to the dirt in mid-May to start my crop, I think about my old, “enemy” in Afghanistan. Not so different from me, he wants to raise a family, grow some good weed, and care for his animals - he wants to honor his god too. The only way I could meet s man so similar to myself in combat would be at the behest of men more powerful than us.

And when those men are soft-hands, desk worker type fuckers, it makes my anger heat up. When I hear B-Shap in the hizzouse and Loomer talk about a brutal military campaign I can feel it in my heart. That would be bad. The attacks over the weekend were bad.

Over the weekend on both sides, brothers were lost and warriors were laid to rest. And the fucking most sickening part to me is the pundits who have never served get all of the attention and money.

I think the lie that the VA tells you is that someday you might be “normal” after land warfare. To those that I know, and those that I don’t who have gone back to total normalcy after the war - I’m envious.

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pansear-doodles · 8 months

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Twitter doc version (which is slightly longer and more detailed)

I reflected a bit. I kept insisting i would change and stop making mistakes. However, some individuals made me snap to the reality that I have not been doing it, and they were right.

I realized that I have been blurring this line of something for myself and something for my standing. I kept telling myself that there aren't any true stakes when this blog is made for me and my twitter is made for me. I'm no longer in the area where I can wholly express my emotions (well, i still could, but with a limit), and I would constantly create posts that exhibit that I'm emotionally vulnerable, which to many, including Wayne, finds wrong and upsetting.

I have not been understanding my true needs and have been essentially denying it. I have mangled my love of art and something between personal and something thousands of people can see. I have been undermining how far my signals can reach, believing that "this is my art blog, so i do whatever i want", that's true, but i never really understood its limits.

Some of you may find me gross after the revelation. I suppose it was the manner of opinions from that topic. While it's wrong to leak private information, especially when you're not up to date with said information, the very information itself is not a matter of technicalities- that would be something that is up to you on deciding who i am as a person from there forward. I'm sorry you had to discover it. Everyone has a bit of their strange side. And I'm starting to accept that not everyone is going to agree or support me on this. It was an uncomfortable change. I'm going to miss some people. But holding onto this baggage will not do anything for me. I must carry on. Yes. I did draw those things. So what? I know it was a mistake to draw that very specific part and I'm sorry for that; I learned of it long before the rumors started to appear and I have stopped doing it since. Do I have irrefutable proof? Of course not, unfortunately. But I am telling the truth here.

People can absolutely choose to decide their opinion of the idea of it, and if you decide to see me as a bad person for it, that's okay, but I never intended to harm anyone with it. Nobody was harmed. It was only exchanged between consenting adults and nothing more.

I never asked to be popular, but i subconsciously rode that wave. If Wayne is correct on one thing they said about me, it's that i let these conflicting emotions control me. For years i have been doing this because I grew up in bad environments where stuff like this was desensitized. I thought Wayne wanted me gone because they hated me. Well perhaps, some of it is true. Even back when we were friends, it was hard to read them, which made me walk eggshells. But nonetheless I do think Wayne did it out of care, but they did it in the worst way possible.

I didn't have the best reaction. I was too hasty because I panicked. I should have made a document that really details things that's been going on between us and the other things Wayne's done in SC (im doing that actually, one step at a time). For now though, I want to make this post for the purpose of saying that- yes, I haven't been innocent and I have been constantly hurting myself, in front of so many others nonetheless.

You would see me vent. You would see me make "pity parties". You would see my emotional vulnerability. Again, i thought with this blog and my twitter account, since it is my personal spaces, i thought it was fine. But of course it wasn't. I forgot that there are thousands of eyes, even minors who aspire from my work.

I haven't been good to myself. I made things worse and worse. I didn't know how to handle it despite dozens, if not, hundreds of people telling me. And now after realizing it, I wanted to take it to my own matters, for my own good and safety, and for the safety of others and people who worry for me and care about me. Despite all the damages, if I really want to make a change, I must really show it.

From this day on, I'll be making different blogs. One is a more personal, smaller blog where I can really express myself and would not use primary popular tags. One where i dump all of my negative emotions that are private and overlyvulnerable. And one blog- this one- where I can show my art to the world. It was stupid of me to not have thought of this solution before, but it's better late than never. I would only show these side blogs to my friends and the people who are genuine with me rather than those who idolize me only for my art. I should really make a clear boundary between the me on the fandom side of things, and the me on the myself side of things.

I plan to make my twitter inactive. I don't know why I've been insistent on keeping it up, but now i know and it's an ugly side of me i denied constantly: I kept it up for fame, because I equated fame to my self importance- which isn't good. You would see it evidently when I get upset about the numbers. It was easier for people to access my stuff. This amount of attention has become a detriment to my mental health but, back then, shutting it down would subconsciously mean that "the bad people won". Throughout growing up on the internet, I'd see these artists back away from their popular accounts. I didn't really understand why. I never did. But now I really know. A sacrifice has to be made, and it would be something that helps me most of all. Plus, twitter is too negative for me. I would really only use it to look at art and news, but all the other drama sticks and paparazzi and blegh- no man i think id rather sit here.

I *may* still occasionally post things there, but I'd primarily post on tumblr, where things are more relaxed.

So what did I want? Fame or comfort? My comfort was entangled in fame and it became an uncomfortable experience. What I desired to draw became also the desire from others. In truth, i definitely enjoy making rain world art. I love making my anthro au. The very reason why I made Rain world fanart in the first place was because I was sad and drawing the characters where they were happier and loved helped me cope. I anthromorphize the characters with this empathy. I believe this was the biggest reason why the anthro au was made. It was made because of the high empathy, which is why it was meaningful and closest to me- and I loved when other people understood and loved it too. My feelings were understood. I surrounded myself with friends and people and took great comfort when they shared this experience with me. And I was touched every time someone else showed their anthro au, with or without my influence. I never felt alone in these moments. I felt like I was seen. But i know not everyone is going to be my friend and not every output everyone makes is for my own likeness. There were those who wanted to be my friend for my fame and nothing more. And those who expressed that they didn't like my anthro au, i unfortunately took them as personal attacks. This is definitely not the case at all, and I'm sorry for invalidating any forms of critiques. This was an awful thing for me to do and everything got carried away in the end. I likened my au too much to the point its starting to become something that controls my judgement.

The matter of filtering what I post isn't censorship. It isn't invalidating my feelings and it isn't the matter of controlling out of fame. It is a matter of defending myself and in turn keeping others safe. The very reason why my insecurities kept getting enabled was because of me and not what other people do to me (well, it can be, but i admit I'm not completely clean from it). If people truly want to empathize with me, it should really only be my loved ones and me taking alone time like watching yt videos or taking walks.

As for the frequency of updates, people take issue with my lack of time and breaks. Admittedly, I have been having issues of time senseless for the past months and amnesia. A whole week can feel like a few days, a single day can feel like a whole week, two weeks can feel like a month. So on. These are side effects of my mental illness and I should work on it better. Like making alarms.

I thank everyone who has been very patient with me throughout my time in this fandom. I thank my followers who stuck by me despite everything. I thank my friends who cared for me and remained my friends throughout it all. I'm sorry I haven't been the best artist to those I have affected. I'm sorry I haven't been giving great examples. I'm sorry for being stuck up on believing that whatever I'm doing is correct and have been avoiding the criticism of it. And most of all, I'm sorry to everyone whose advice I ignored, even Wayne.

Overall, I'm taking one step at a time for these things. Block people liberally- that's something I've been avoiding because it felt mean, but I should utilize more. Of all of my ignorance, emotional breakdowns, the wrongs i did upon myself which then to others, I never meant any of it maliciously. There is no black and white here. Only gray morals. Wayne was a shitty person, but I was a shitty person too. I haven't been nice to myself, but starting now, I will be a little bit more selfish (in a way that helps me and doesn't hurt other people). How you evaluate me as a person is up to you. I'll welcome anyone who's nice to me in my specific spaces regardless.

But no matter what happens, I'll push forward. Because I love art and I love my friends, and I'll keep fighting for it and against the horrors that keep me from self-respect. I should focus on the things that make me happy.

Thank you, everyone. I truly mean it.

#thoughts #drama #ask to tag #long

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faelapis · 1 year

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the owl house ending was mostly very cute and wholesome. the kind of simple joy i was expecting. it was nice & it looked very pretty.

not too many gripes, because i've resigned myself to it being a very simple show thats gonna end in a simple way. which it did.

my only thing is... i wish they hadnt brought up the interesting moral question of "if all people think theyre doing the right thing, how do we tell the difference between their morality?" only to basically spit on it. that question is WAY above your pay grade, owl house. and saying "well the bad guys are just insincere hypocrites without real beliefs, so we don't have to think about it" is the worst kind of copout.

same goes for repeatedly saying "people are complicated :)" when everything about the conflict between king's dad and the collector was a series of misunderstandings after the Real Evil (the archivists) had already left. nobody need carry blame because nobody intentionally did anything. so people aren't actually that complicated.

but again. argh. i'm doing "the thing" again where i hold things made for 7 year olds up to the standards set by relatively more complex... cartoons. also made for 7 year olds. lol. but still. i can't expect that from a show where the main thing the protagonist needs to learn is that she is, in fact, a good person. so don't worry about it.

anyway! simple show, simple pleasures: i liked when luz got the cool fanart epic outfit upgrade with the dark sclera and demon aesthetic. i also liked amitys ponytail and willows short hair in the timeskip. i liked that the collector decided to take time figuring themself out but still visits. and i liked hunter being a palisman carver :)

#not su /#the owl house #toh spoilers #the owl house spoilers #watching and dreaming

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brilliant-red-eternity · 9 months

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Psycho-Pass Providence:

my attempt to write a movie review.

I finally went to the movies and watched Psycho-Pass Providence with a friend last Tuesday. I knew the film would be packed with plot and action so we decided to see the German dubbed version. We just wanted to have a good time, and some nachos with cheese dip and beer. The cinema was maybe a quarter full which I don’t think is too bad for a weekday. There even was a girl cosplaying as Akane. I was pretty nervous the whole day. After reading so many negative reviews on Tumblr over the past few months, I prepared myself for the worst. Will Providence ruin this series for me? Is Shinkane dead? My friend encouraged me by saying, “watch the movie and form your own opinion”, and that’s what I did!

Providence is a diffuse colossus of a story but I liked it much better than PP3. The story is very action-heavy and plot-driven. You can feel the absence of Urobuchi’s writing because relatively little emphasis is placed on the emotions of the characters or their development. The dialogues are rather short and the action scenes quite long. Explosions and battles largely replace social criticism. Precious moments are few and far between. I think Ubukata came up with a really cool and offbeat plot, it’s just way too big for one movie. He should have made Providence into a series with many episodes, but that’s just my opinion. I can’t shake the feeling that he simply placed the characters into his massive plot as if they were chess pieces. Everyone does their job. They rush from one action to the next. Saiga is dead. On it goes. Akira is dead. There are no breaks. The ending is also very rushed and if I hadn’t already known why Akane shoots chief Kasei, I probably would have left the cinema with a massive question mark.

The Shinkane content in Providence is quite nice. And to say it right away: yes, I saw their hands touch in that bridal carry scene. It was very clear and less rushed than I thought. I’m just not sure if their fingers were intertwined or if Kogami had his fingers around Akane’s hand squeezing it. The phone call was also funny. My friend just sighed in her seat next to me and said a little too loudly: “I can’t believe Akane is in love with this clumsy idiot! Why can’t he just apologize?” Yeah, why? Akane hung up the phone and her face was so adorable. The romantic comedy was only perfect when Saiga cheered Kogami on in the elevator afterwards (“Come on, make an effort!”) and Ko acted like a petulant child (“I don’t know what you mean!”). Really, Ko? You were playing dumb in front of sensei? Was Kogami embarrassed that his former teacher was interfering in their relationship? However, these two were in dire need of counselling that’s why I found the idea of Saiga acting as their therapist quite entertaining.

I still don’t know what to make of Shinkane in Providence. I have too many thoughts and feelings, that’s why I’d like to deal with this topic separately in another post. Shinkane is not dead at all, but it hasn’t evolved either. Each of them basically does their own thing when it comes to work and I can’t shake the impression that Akane would have found Kogami rather unsexy if she had met him for the first time in PPP. I love Kogami, but he doesn’t contribute much to the story except that he saves Akane’s life in the end.

Now that I’ve seen the film, it sounds more than absurd to claim that they have no other relationship than a collegial working relationship. I mean, it’s obviously not work or a shared conviction that ties them together and makes Akane answer the phone late at night, but their old acquaintance. They have an unresolved personal conflict between them, and a wide range of unexplored emotions. All the social awkwardness fits in with that. And the creators even went one step further with the romantic scenes:

I already knew about the scene in which Kogami jumps on top of Akane (and between her legs) to protect her from an explosion but I didn’t expect the whole thing to play out in slow motion. Holy shit! My heart leapt. I mean, what am I looking at here if not a romantic subplot? You can see every detail crisp and clear: how his hands are embracing and protecting her head from the impact, how their bodies stick together rather indecently. And Akane and Ko don’t immediately get up and run, no. They stay put for the time being looking at each other and then Ko states the obvious like a brain dead fool: “It’s a dangerous place, we should retreat.”

Yeah, well… who would have thought that explosions and shootings would be dangerous? Kogami’s blood must have gone from his brain to some other part of his body, there’s no other way to explain this level of silliness. We’ve already seen Kogami protecting Akane from an explosion before. He threw her like a sack of potatoes in the movie but THIS is something else entirely. THIS is screaming “You’re the most precious person on earth to me”. Same goes for the bridal carry. The scene isn’t as rushed as their encounter in the wheat field, no. The animators kind of savour their last scene in Providence and you have to be wilfully blind to not notice Kogami’s affection for Akane or their touching hands.

I can understand the widespread criticism of Kogami’s strange behaviour in PPP. It’s not quite what I expected either, but I didn’t expect anything else. Sounds crazy, huh? I know. I don’t know if Ubukata’s writing style is to blame for Ko’s derailment. I guess the writers deliberately wanted to create some tension in the form of personal conflict which is a common and cheap trick that can also be found in romantic YA literature.

It is nevertheless credible to a certain extend. Kogami has returned to a world with a wall between latent criminals and citizens with healthy Psycho-Passes. Social conventions are a corset. They make us act differently. The fact that he doesn’t hit on Akane actually says a lot of good things about his character. He knows nothing about her life, except that it hasn’t gone down the drain yet. What role does he still play in Akane’s life? Does she even need his help? When you look at Kogami’s issue with addressing Akane properly, it becomes clear that he’s uncertain: kanshikan, omae, anta, yo. Akane has already gathered a team around her and Kogami is standing outside the door. He’s the odd man out. He’s also an incorrigible idiot who doesn’t have it in him to apologize.

They give each other nothing at first. That’s why I like the scene in the hospital so much because it changes their relationship for good. Akane’s visit is proof to Kogami that he is important to her. She cares about his health and she even takes the cigarette from his mouth. Akane also invites him to join her team (“We’re a team, right?”) and you can see the relief on Kogami’s face. After that, their interactions become lighter and more honest. Team PSB and Team SAD no longer go separate ways.

I really like the camaraderie between Kogami and Frederika. I found them both very independent in their work, which led me to ask whether Frederika is his boss at all. I read somewhere that they both have the same rank of “special investigator” which also fits in well with the way they talk to each other. I remember Akane asking Kogami during their phone call what Yabuki thought of his past actions. I guess that makes Shogo Yabuki his boss and Frederika his senpai? There was one thing that annoyed me, though, and that was that Frederika did everything her boss Yabuki told her to do. She even kept it a secret from Kogami that they were using Saiga as bait. Why didn’t she say “no” for once?

Providence has a few highlights that I just can’t leave unmentioned. It isn’t the best film, but it’s also not as bad as many have made it out to be. The scene in which Gino grabs Kogami by the collar, calls him an asshole and pushes him roughly against the glass pane of the office was quite the cliché. It could have come straight from a fan fic. Kogami remains calm and I don’t find him arrogant. Sugo tries to intervene, but I had the impression that it’s primarily Akane’s staged indifference towards Kogami that keeps Gino from exploding with rage. Gino pulls himself together the moment he sees Akane entering the office. If there’s one thing I love about their dynamics, it’s how they always try to protect each other in the most subtle but effective way. Gino is like the big brother we all want to have. He is by Akane’s side after Saiga dies and he reminds Kogami of the duty to not let Akane become a latent criminal. I can’t say often enough how much I adore Ginoza and his loyalty to Akane.

But Gino does not only protect Akane, he also saves Frederika’s life twice. These two have a little scene in Providence that I find cute. Standing amidst the ruins of the building after the battle, Gino asks Frederika how she is. She says “not too bad” while stroking her hair almost sheepishly like a schoolgirl. Is it the first time that a colleague asks Frederika about her well-being? Is this how things are at the SAD? I never saw Kogami turn around to look at her, even though she always saves his stupid ass from getting kicked. And her boss Yabuki only ever entrusted her with the most dangerous missions (aka “dirty work in the name of justice”). It really sucks to be a strong woman sometimes. It sucks when performance is always expected without complaint. That’s why it’s all the more refreshing when a hot guy like Gino asks if you’re still alive, right Frederika?

Overall, it was very cool to see Frederika on the battlefield since she’s quite capable and knows how to handle weapons. I didn’t like her passive role in PP3, where she just sat in her neat little office and gave orders. PP is kind of understaffed in terms of female characters so it was good to see Frederika having a more active role this time. I hope that in the future they will give her a backstory. It’s more the personal things that make a character interesting for me. I mean, what was her relationship with Yabuki? She shed a tear after his death, or was this just an optical illusion?

There was nothing to complain about the quality of the animation in Providence. It was first class. The wedding was beautiful and I really liked the colours and fireworks of the Chinese New Year festival in the streets of Dejima. It made a nice contrast to the gloomy dark dystopian world of Sibyl. The Chinese New Year also brings me directly to the scene that, oddly enough, touched me the most: Akira’s death. Atsushi Shindou shoots him on the roof of the MoFA as the fireworks go off and with his last words Akira says, “Take care of Kei, I want him to have a different life than mine.” It was a beautiful but also very sad moment. There were many deaths in the film but the pace of the story was way too fast for me to mourn them properly. It’s a shame, especially since most of the time was spent on action scenes. I don’t know how many minutes I watched Sugo trying to shoot a satellite out of the sky with his drone.

Saiga’s death is tragic but it has great influence on Akane. In the end, his last words (“justice and truth are multifaceted”) encourage her to stand up for her convictions and turn against Sibyl in order to uphold the law. I noticed that Saiga is already very tired at the beginning of Providence, as if he no longer expects anything great from life and prefers to pass the baton to the younger generation. Perhaps that is also why he tries to persuade Kogami to bury the hatchet with Akane. “You should apologize to her. Take this advice from an old man like me.” It seems that he wanted to leave the world in peace, knowing that he has given his students all he could give. So from that point of view, his passing is dignified. His hands are even folded and placed on top of his chest after he dies. I couldn’t help but think that it is meant as a religious gesture: that he will be accepted by God if not by Sibyl.

Sibyl is as disgusting as ever and that’s all there is to say. Their hypocrisy is simply unbearable. And then no one has the courage to stand up for the preservation of the rule of law – least of all the Ministry of Justice. What a joke! We also learn that it’s totally fine for Sibyl to give absolution and sovereignty to a group of criminals (the Peacebreakers) as long as they come from their own criminal ranks. Well, one crow does not peck out another crow’s eye, right? I don’t know whether Atsushi Shindou could be trusted or not, although he has pulled some important strings in the background. The old man seemed weary just like Saiga, but he thought very highly of Akane and campaigned for her in front of Sibyl which made him likeable in my eyes. He was also a good mentor.

I must not forget to mention the true antagonists of the story, first and foremost Tonami the White. He is the leader of the Peacebreakers, a group of former soldiers and mercenaries of Sibyl who see themselves in the tradition of a cult. They worship a similar AI like Sibyl that also has wired brains in boxes and they see it as their God and commander. The cult did seem rather bizarre and fantastic sometimes, but I got the impression that this is exactly Ubukata’s style.

Tonami is a despicable man. He tells Akane that despite his old age, he can still take on a young girl like her, then he draws a gun and starts to shoot her. Congratulations, man! She’s unarmed, and pulling a trigger is really not much of a feat. Asshole! He was clearly afraid that Akane would be superior in a fistfight.

I remember a heated debate on social media about whether Kogami should have killed Tonami or not. Well, I would argue that he had no choice but to shoot this man if he wanted to make sure Akane got out of there alive (“Protect Tsunemori!”). Akane looks relieved when she sees Kogami. She smiles at him as if she knows that her life is safe from now on. But then she continues to provoke Tonami with her words. The man points a damn gun to her head and she has already been shot twice and lies bleeding on the floor in handcuffs. Should Kogami twiddle his thumbs and wait to see what happens? Well, he does. But only for a moment.

Kogami’s face is empty while Akane is being tortured. It’s devoid of emotion, not even anger shows on his face. I was like: huh? I first thought it was bad animation or some artificial intervention to evade romance and keep the Kouakas from losing their minds, but in retrospect, it occurred to me that perhaps… Kogami is simply listening to the conversation in front of him? Akane and Tonami are talking about the Sibyl System and it’s true nature. They are talking about AI vs. humanity. They are talking about integrating this other AI into Sibyl and the boxes with the brains are standing just a few meters away from them. Snippets and fragments, but Kogami isn’t stupid. It was him who found a decapitated professor Stronskaya on the ship. Her head was taken away by the Peacebreakers and we later learn that her brain was put into a box for their AI. Kogami has been wondering for a while what kind of influence Akane has on the system. And even Tonami (who calls her “a witch that disturbs the social order”) is kind of astounded at what Akane knows and what she is capable of.

Kogami agrees with Tonami and then shoots him in the head. I really don’t know which part he agrees with. I can only explain it by saying that, unlike Akane, Kogami has lost faith in humanity. Kogami knows what humans are capable of and that they are easily corrupted. But he believes in Akane, so there’s that. It’s only natural that he would save her at any cost.

I didn’t perceive Akane as angry though. She knows Kogami well enough and wanted him to come with her on the mission. Kogami “breaking the law again” certainly saddens and disappoints her, but I don’t think she necessarily wants to enforce him. Atsushi Shindou shot Akira in front of Akane and she didn’t arrest him. If she were now to arrest Kogami, she would have double standards. I remember director Shiotani saying in an interview that Kogami voluntarily let Akane arrest him. Well, that actually sounds quite logical to me because I honestly don’t see Akane taking the initiative. But Kogami acting like a repentant little puppy in front of Akane, the “goddess and bodhisattva” he expects to make the world a better place? Yes, I can very well imagine that – only that at this point she is just a bleeding human being in his arms.

Akane’s incident was… wow. I knew what she was up to beforehand, but I still found the whole thing quite mind-boggling. Where did Akane get the gun she shot chief Kasei with? Everyone was looking forward to her inauguration. Gino, Sugo, Shion and Yayoi… they were watching it on TV. What has my girl done?

I wouldn’t go so far as to blame Kogami. There is a trend right now to make him the scapegoat for everything that happens to Akane, but somehow that is not right and would completely undermine Akane’s independence. There is no guarantee that the arrest and prosecution of Tonami would have worked. Sibyl is not a reliable negotiating partner. I think Akane chose a more effective way by immediately involving the public and getting them to discuss the preservation of the law. At least, it worked. But why the letter to Kogami? It wasn’t a tit-for-tat response. I think Akane wanted to say goodbye. She didn’t know what would happen to her or whether they would see each other again. These two threw their lives away and stood up for their beliefs in justice. Was it brave or was it foolish? Who knows. But the closing of a circle was pretty well executed by the creators of the series in my opinion.

I still have no clue why Kogami was released from confinement. I can only speculate that MoFA has negotiated a deal. I also remember that his Psycho-Pass was encrypted in PP3 and no longer accessible via Sibyl’s dominator. There is a strong competition between the ministries and certainly no help can be expected from Sibyl. Mika had to literally beg chief Kasei to allow her to send out a rescue mission for Akane who was already classified as a traitor because she went to take on the Peacebreakers on her own. Why would they let Kogami go, the traitor who killed a criminal pardoned by Sibyl in order to rescue the traitor Akane? No. He was released at the behest of MoFA. It is therefore not surprising that Akane has arranged the transfer of Gino and Sugo to MoFA. Nothing bothers Sibyl more than loyal dogs and I’m certain that these two would have been thrown into the isolation facility the moment Akane lost her position as inspector.

Okay, I’ll stop rambling now. I’d like to end this post with a quote from the friend who went with me to the movies. We saw Psycho-Pass together five years ago and I was very curious to hear her opinion. We both agreed that Akane's performance in Providence is once again superb. She’s a queen. One of the best female characters of all time. What she said about Kogami may irritate some but I can only agree: “It wasn’t his most mature performance, but in the end he could be relied upon!”

Providence was fun. It was okay. It wasn’t Psycho-Pass at its best but at least, it answered the question that has been on my mind for almost four years: what did Akane do that landed her in prison?

#psycho pass #psycho pass providence #akane tsunemori #shinya kougami #shinkane #ramblings #review

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better-call-mau1 · 1 year

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Congratulations! You’re being smothered with a completely random headcanon about Mandalorian marriage customs rescued! Please do not resist.

The Rite of Riduurok Akaanir, aka “Lover’s Quarrel”

Alright…so I gotta be honest and say that even though I can’t remember how exactly this headcanon came to me, I’ve been carrying it around for years, ever since first watching Rebels and shipping Sabezra 😅 …and at this point, I feel like it’s burning a hole in my head, trying desperately to get out, so I’m gonna save myself the expense of reconstructive cranial surgery and just share it:

Mandalorians like to fight. Actually, they don’t just like to fight, “weapons are a part of [their] religion,” or at least their culture—and for many, their entire lives are built around that. In the case of the Children of the Watch, strict adherence to a No-Living-Being-Can-See-You-With-Your-Helmet-Off orthodoxy even gets in the way of basic interpersonal behavior, like eating a meal together. The implications of that are…interesting…and not in a “wow that’s cool!” way…more like a “kark, that’s depressing” way.

Basically, I started to wonder how the “BAM! BOOM! BAM! BOOM! BLOW STUFF UP AND KILL THOSE FORCE-WIELDING MANIACS!” portion of Mandalorian culture (so…most of it?) intersects with intrinsic parts of human…wait, nope, sorry Grogu sentient life—namely romantic intimacy. (Paz Vizsla has, presumably, not taken his helmet off in decades…and he has a son who’s probably 12ish years old, tops…so do you think he ever stares at his kid and tries parsing out his own features to get an idea of what his wife looks like?) It’s an extreme example from an extreme sect, but there’s application to Mandalorian society as a whole. Where does love fit into a worldview or galaxy-view, I guess where conflict is a core tenet? When do individuals stop existing as warriors and start existing as people? Do they ever?

Anyway, the point is that on its face, the cultural dogma doesn’t seem to leave much room for authentic social and romantic intimacy, especially the latter since, ya know, the beskar has to come off both literally and figuratively in order to procreate. It’s difficult for me to see how the necessity of physical and emotional vulnerability can coexist with the rest of Mando culture—so let’s just leave it at that.

But for a civilization to survive as long as Mandalore has without totally disintegrating, those intimate relationships have to exist, and there’s plain evidence that they do. For all their problems, the Wren family clearly loves each other, and we even get a glimpse of some soft Alrich/Ursa PDA in “Heroes of Mandalore.” Then there’s Bo-Katan, who still cares deeply for her sister despite…well…joining a terrorist faction to help overthrow her. That says something, right?

Wrapping my mind around how authentic love can exist in a fictional warrior society really got me thinking—so much so that I headcanoned a ritual (Riduurok Akaanir, “Lover’s Quarrel”) to help myself work it all out.

The general idea? On Mandalorian wedding nights, the bride and groom have a private duel. A duel to the death? Maybe if it’s an arranged marriage and one party really wants out and I’m gonna speculate that Bo-Katan widowed herself at least four times before running off to join Death Watch.

More commonly, though, it’s just a playful act to embody love transcending conflict. Alrich Wren, for example, isn’t a traditional warrior, but Ursa didn’t assert her superior combat prowess on their wedding night by firing a wrist rocket at his face something Bo-Katan probably did to a few of the short-lived husbands Satine picked out for her. (“Parry this, you kriffing casual.”) Instead, I’d like to think Alrich and Ursa went through the basic motions of a hand-to-hand duel, not necessarily to prove who’s the better warrior, but as an intimate prelude to the actual consummation of their marriage—almost like a mutually disarming dance. (Could it be light-heartedly competitive? Sure! As the first Mando to perform the Riduurok Akaanir with a Jedi, Sabine would go all-out to make sure she doesn’t lose to Ezra! 😆) When the dance-duel ends, they set aside their warrior identities to become something more: husband and wife. It’s like a way of saying, “As Mandalorians, what we do is fight, but we’re more than mere weapons. We fight so we can love. We wear armor to protect ourselves, our homes, and our families. It’s an important part of who we are, but we’re ultimately made of flesh and blood, not cold beskar.”

So that’s the point of Riduurok Akaanir, a term I came up with using this nifty English to Mando’a online translator (before I just called it “Wedding Night Fight” in my head). It’s not supposed to be a blanket explanation—but intimacy and vulnerability don’t have clear utility in a warrior culture, and this is my best attempt at bridging that perceived gap.

If you made it down this far without dozing off, enjoy this Sabezra incorrect quote! 😁

Fenn Rau: I trust that Sabine briefed you on Mandalorian wedding customs?

Ezra: Yep! I know exactly how not to get myself killed before officially becoming a married man.

Rau: The trick is not getting yourself killed *after* becoming a married man. Did she explain what happens on the wedding night?

Ezra: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Rau:

Ezra:...yeahthatsnotreallysomethingIneedorwantSabinetoexplaintomeandKanankindofgavemethelowdownbackduringmyJeditrainingdayssoIthinkIknowwhattodobutthanksanyway.

Rau: Kanan taught you about the Mandalorian ‘lover’s quarrel,’ then? His instruction was even more thorough that I imagined. Or maybe he always knew you and Sabine would end up together.

Ezra: Sorry, did you say...?

Rau: The Rite of Riduurok Akaanir is usually non-fatal. Sabine seems to be genuinely fond of you, so I’m sure you’ll survive to see the sunrise.

Ezra:

Ezra: Oh kriff.

#the mandalorian #bo katan kryze #sabine wren #ezra bridger #sabezra #ursa wren #alrich wren #ursa x alrich #fenn rau #star wars rebels #mandalorian culture #Attorney Maul’s Headcanons #Lover’s Quarrel Rite

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zsakuva · 4 months

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saku! i have two questions:)

i’m p sure mentioned your favorite book was lotr, but do you have any other recommendations? oh or maybe an anime/manga you really like? anything is fine hehe

my second one is, what inspires you to write? i’m sure it’s something you’ve been doing for a long time, but in general, it seems like whether it’s through your videos or your degree, you’re always trying to tell some sort of story? it’s amazing to me how you treat your characters as real people, if that makes sense? it’s almost like you’ve met them and they’re not just words on paper. i know a couple of artists treat their characters/work as such, but i’ve never really seen it like i have with you. i’m just a bit curious about what exactly makes you tick? please ignore this ask if it’s too personal haha i’m just genuinely interested:)

have a good day with many crumpets, tea, and cat cuddles!!!!

My favourite film trilogy is LotR, but I don't read! I'm in the middle of reading The Fellowship of the Ring, but reading makes me tired so I seldom do it! Unfortunately, that means I can't recommend any books or manga, and I haven't watched anime in a long time either~

Everything inspires me to write! It's a way of escapism for me, and for as long as I can remember, I've loved creating fictional stories. Characters themselves are the vessels in which the story is being told, and they drive everything. There is so much in a life that occurs which defines one's sense of self, and it's ever-changing. I love exploring internal conflicts, the tug-of-war over nature vs nurture, and the long-lasting effects many of us carry.

Almost all of the characters I've made have attributes of someone I know, a fictional person, or myself. It's also through this medium where I can test decisions some people might make in intense situations. A prime example would be Isaac Rhoades, a man traumatised by a past that dictates his every decision until he learns how to loosen the reins--if only by a little. The listener challenges his beliefs while also providing him a way to confront what it means to love, to trust, and to hope.

Another would be Alex (a taboo name for many of you, I know haha). The events of his past fuel his insecurities of the present, and that powers his decisions for the future. A lot of my characters act this way because I believe many of us are the same. His listener is no different. One has dealt with their trauma in one way, the other in another way, and then they clash. Sometimes, it's easy to put the pieces together, but not always. And that's why I like to base actions on character because humans themselves are contradictive, stubborn, and in many cases, illogical.

Then, there are other characters who I use to explore certain themes, such as Niall. His story is heart-breaking yet relatable; I wanted to delve more into his self-perception which was crafted by bullying and homophobia, and how he could possibly shift towards a positive direction.

Audio roleplays are great for my creativity, but they only scratch the surface in terms of how I would normally develop characters and their potential arcs. Novel formats are more my forte, but I do enjoy the platform that I have to fan the flame of angst, fluff, and everything in between!

#audio roleplay #boyfriend audios #sakuverse #zsakuva #isaac rhoades

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shirefantasies · 2 months

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Hello!! I saw that you're temporarily open for matchup requests so I hope that I'm not too late with this! :) specifically from LOTR please~

I'm female, 5'7", Virgo, ISFP, with stronger preference for males. I have pale skin with dark brown hair and dark brown eyes. My wardrobe mostly consists of darker colors, my favorite combos being black with red or pink.

I consider myself empathetic and honest. I am reserved most of the time, only ever talking if someone else initiates the convo, though I can go on and on about my hyperfixations and interests. Like even when I'm with a group of friends, I'd stay quiet most of the time and just listen so I may come across as a bit socially awkward. I've been told I'm a good listener and so I end up being someone many confide in or as someone who becomes stuck in the middle of a conflict. I am a night owl and get easily exhausted or even irritated when I'm out and it's crowded so I definitely need time and space on my own to recharge after a long day. I suppose among love languages, I lean to using words of affirmation. When I do have enough energy, I also like to cook and bake for my family and friends (and get upset if it doesn't end up turning right).

I really like animals, especially big cats, dogs and wolves. My favorite genre of fiction is horror so sharing scary/ghost stories would be my favorite group activity. My sense of humor tends of be on the dry, sarcastic side. My preferred methods of workout are swimming, badminton, and walking. When I get bored, I tend to doodle and hum. I don't consider myself a good singer and I'd only get the confidence to sing in front of others if I was a bit tipsy (I don't drink much, I am so lightweight it's not even funny and if I do, I stick with cocktail or beer).

In video games that involve combat and exploration, I tend to rely on speed and stealth (my footfalls are actually quiet irl too). Among weapons, I prefer using swords (dual wielding, if available), though having a bit of magic would be fun to use too (especially if you can set things on fire) :3

congrats on the 300 followers!

You are not at all! Thank you for waiting between my recovery buffer posts & older matchups! So here we go now love! Your match is…

Legolas!

Some people joke what a funny couple you are due to you both seeming so quiet, but in truth you are drawn to each other’s peace. Legolas is drawn to your gentle presence, the light falls of your steps upon the bank of the river where he meets you, water flowing at your feet. You are not the only one swimming that day, but you cut such a majestic figure as you move gracefully through the water, emerging with illuminated droplets descending from your dark hair. Since that very first moment you stuck in Legolas's heart.

He loves the way you hum as you work, dark skirts swirling about the floor as you swish through the kitchen. A smile plays on his lips as he compliments the work you've let out to cool and you drily tease him about stealing it. Instead, he offers to help hand it out and you are grateful to save your energy. Normally you do not prefer company in the kitchen, but this elf's presence is calming rather than draining. Your motions and his assume a rhythm unbroken by distraction.

He runs into you out in town, smiling at the large dog following at your heels while you carry your basket. You look content as you go to market, purchasing all you need. Catching the way your hand runs wistfully over a small ornately bound book, he finds his feet carrying him to market as well, his hands delving into pockets and being rewarded with the weight of a tiny tome. The following day's trip to your kitchen is met not with wry humor, but wide smiles and sheepish revelations of art. "You may think them the smallest of sketches, but to me I see a connection to this world." "Is that your way of saying you can't draw?" Yet another smile you've drawn from the elven prince. "You've caught me there."

When orcs attack your village, his first thought is to get to you, your hearth and your dog and all your little captures of your surroundings, and let any who dare trifle with it know it has a blade and a bow behind it. Boots thudding lightly as always against dirt, then stone, he arrives outside your home to see you there, a glinting sword swinging in each hand. Grinning, he shakes his head. He should have known. Shooting one of your twin assailants off you, he joins the fray. "Sorry I'm late." "You should be!" You grin back at him. "This party started an hour ago."

This visit has only a few days left. Ignoring that, you climb higher into the tree before you settle, pulling the red-and-black swirled book from your small satchel. Legolas sits in the crook of the tree right below yours. "Shall I read or would you prefer to?" It's as if he can sense your energy, see right through your facade to the highs and lows of your heart. The book in question held some of your favorite ghost stories, old legends and more local frights alike. You joke about the prince being able to handle it, but in the end you know whose voice you would prefer to ring out with it that day.

You are the only one Legolas trusts to saddle up his horse, hand him the bags he'd surreptitiously caught you slipping a copy of your book of horrors into as a memento. He says your name softly as a wish when you stand at his mount's side, catching your nod before he captures your lips with his, motions slow, deliberate as if he would wake up from the dream at any moment. Your name is even more delicious whispered after a kiss. "Wait for me." "Who else would I even look twice at?"

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