#she did not have any fever it was fucking bullshit

[definitelynotnia]

im sorry i have to rant im so fucking pissed

my exams end on 19th and I have to get rid of some books and buy some books which are quite pricy online so I had planned on going to college street on 20th and selling my books and buying the new ones at a cheap price and i was frankly really excited about it because all I get is a one day break to relax bcz i have to start studying for entrances from 21st so all I have is 20th and i wanted to spend it at college street and then get some food and basically have like a solo date kind of thing.

and i was so so excited about it i told my boyfriend about it like 500 times bcz i kept forgetting i've already mentioned it and it was literally on my mind a lott so i kept bringing it up and ik it seems like not a big deal cz i can just sit at home and chill too but i literally do not get to go outside my house. like- the last time i went out was new years eve and after that the only time i've gone out is to school or to give my boards that is it. my mother has some weird like problem wiht me going out like even if i tell her that i just want to go to our terrace for 5 minutes just to get some fresh air she won't even allow that she'll be all suspicious and like sTaNd In ThE bAlCOnY aNd TaKe FrEsH aIr like she herself doesnt leave the house (and blames it on me and my brother ???? when have we ever stopped you bro, she said I HaVe To Be HeRe To KeEp An EyE like im 18 i dont need to be watched 24/7 stop blaming me for choices you put upon yourself) and i just feel so suffocated ALL THE TIME i feel so overstimulated and im so sick of rotting on my bed and i dont want to wait for some birthday party or friends meet up to be able to leave my goddamn house i just wanted to go and have a fun day and get me some books thats it.

anyway so initially the plan was that my mom would go along but something came up so she wanted to postpone it to 21st and i didn't want to bcz i'd already be missing 3 days bcz of my boyfriends birthday, holi and my brothers birthday (all of which are important and i dont want to miss which makes me the villain apparently bcz i should "adjust" and cancel my "parties" instead of trying to stick to my plan bcz that makes me too demanding and selfish apparently) so i suggested that ukw why dont u go do ur thing which came up and i'll go to college street by myself...which is when the solo date idea came which i had really wanted all along but didnt bring up bcz i knew she'd say no but now there's a valid reason for me to go alone so like, its a pretty easy fix i can just go alone but noooo. First of all,

I've been to college street multiple times before so its not like its an unknown area to me

im going by metro which is quite safe

im going when there is stark daylight and i will return home much much before it gets dark and im literally 18

she never lets me go anywhere alone, not even take ubers alone if i want to get back from somewhere my bf has to come drop me everytime and then go backwards to his house which is so so so stupid and i never get to go out alone unless accompanied by family or by a male friend, so obv when i said i'll go to college street alone she refused to let that happen and started screaming about how 'if its so important to go on 20th bcz u dont want to miss a day of studying then cancel ur 'parties' and study then' and i was like no its not about missing a day its just that there's a very easy and logical fix to this problem which is i go alone and its not inconveniencing anyone so why cant i just do that but she will not listen to that bcz im 'adamant' and 'everything has to be according to me' bcz i found a viable solution to the problem. so instead of letting me just go she was literally ready to pay much more money and buy the books online, like.....why cant i just go bro??? (and she keeps telling me im a waste of her money bcz i will amount to nothing in life and my education was a failed investment or wtv so like now why are u wasting more money??? im literally trying to save the money that u 'waste' on me so just let me ???)

anyway i called my dad last night and told him and he was super ok with the idea he said its a good idea that i go alone and that he would speak to her but then today when i asked her if dad spoke to her she said yes, we'll go on 20th and i was like .....we? so apparently she CANCELLED her previously immovable thing for which she wanted me to cancel my 'parties', she cancelled that and agreed to go with me on 20th just so that i dont get to go alone- like ???????????????? what is ur problemmmm

so obv i was super annoyed and i went on a whole ass rant about how i literally struggle to even cross roads bcz i dont know shit about basic travelling bcz all my life ive been in a car and its a running joke with all my guy friends that i 'cannot navigate' and 'dont know any places' and obv??? if im never allowed to go anywhere then how tf will i know the places- the only places i know is bcz recently i've been paying a lot of attention and asking my dad stuff about what roads to take to reach certain places and when i go out with my friends i kind of try and learn a bit but thats it i've only ever gone alone completely alone to two places which is my beauty parlour thats 5 minutes away from my house and one bazaar one time that was 2 bus stops away, thats it. thats my extent of public travelling alone. and now im supposed to go to a whole new STATE for college and i cant even call myself an auto without struggling. and like- is this not a basic life skill??? like ok yeah its not rocket science and i will probably figure it out even if i start later in life but why not now? most of my guy friends literally go everywhere alone, why not me? and my dad agreed with all of this but my mom was just like "you'll be in the hostel only, no need to go out of the campus" like ARE YOU FOR REAL????????? and she's like "if u want to learn skills learn how to cook" like ok yes i will also learn how to cook for sure but i wont have a fucking kitchen in the hostel but somehow cooking is an urgent skill i should learn but going places by myself is unimportant bcz i should just never? leave? the? hostel?

anyway after much screaming and shouting my dad gave up and just cut the call bcz he doesnt want to get into an argument with my mother and my mother was being all suspicious like why do u hAvE tO gO aLoNe AlL oF a SuDdEn even though i literally explained why i want to do this alone but she doesnt think thats valid. so she refuses to let me go and i asked her for one reason why i shouldnt cz usuallt its always "no u have exam what if smthn happens" but now i literally dont even have exam so whats ur excuse now? streets will always be unsafe forever so "what if smthn happens" is not a reason to never let me go out without a man so just gimme one reason and she couldnt give me a single reason she just said "i said no, thats it".

and now she's gone off about how im useless and blah blah and "high maintainance" bcz i want books and "everyone else (some pishi's son) just studies online" and so the whole option of college street is apparently now cancelled and she's trying to set up a whole ass kindle account (half the books i need arent even available as ebooks) just because i wanted to go by myself.

#in our house kids dont stay outside past 6:30pm'' but now all of a sudden its fine for my brother to play #till 10:30 at night #she literally stopped me permanently from going down in the evenings since i was in class 7-8 #this is why ive never had any friends outside of school bcz she wouldnt let me leave ths fucking house #and now that my brother is in class 7 #he's allowed to be out playing with his friends till 10 freaking 30 #he comes home an hour late sometimes...45 minutes and almost always at least 30 minutes late at NIGHT and she says nothing except like #one sentence #yeah im only the villain i only keep u locke #up in the house its all my fault #this is just so damn unfair #like literally insulting #im not a child what is her problem #what sort of fucking solution is 'never leave the hostel' like ok even if i do that what happens then??? after i graduate? #i'll be a 24 year old who doesnt know shit about going from one place to another without a man present] #and then this woman preaches how she 'always raises her son and daughter equally' like srsly shut the fuck up #my whole life i've been told abar late?'' #and for me bcz i would come home 5-10 minutes late nd i did it maybe once or twice she made me completely stop going down to play #5-10 minutes late from 6:30 wherein he comes an hour late from 9 fucking 30 #and this sounds so stupid bcz im an 18 year old now and i dont give a fuck abt how long i got to play but its just unfair dude #with me it was always smthn or the other either exams or she gets miraculously sick every time i want to go out to play #im not even kidding she did a whole “i have fever and ur going to leave me like this and go play?” on me one time bcz i was adamant abt goi #after months of not being able to go bcz of exam or smthn or the other #she did not have any fever it was fucking bullshit #and how am i supposed to help with ur imaginary fever anyway im literally 12 #its so fucking annoying man and then if i say anything at all she'll go on a tirade about how #like YOU DO THOUGH??????? im sorry ur feelings are hurt bcz i said you do smthn that u LITERALLY DO #istg not even 2 days ago she was having a fight with my dad abt how he should teach my brother to learn how to cycle so that he can go buy #groceries #i can cycle

[matchadobo]

KIDD; the captain has an allergy!

wc: 2061 summary: kidd has an allergy, he's allergic to... you. warnings: afab reader, none, just dumb kidd who can't figure out his feelings while killer tries to compartmentalize the captain's head to sort out his feelings for you, just fluff, a bit suggestive but no nsfw, kidd rambling abt you that's it

something's wrong with eustass kidd. he reckons that he's fatally ill. he feels like he could die any second. his chest feels tight, his muscles feel tense, his vision hazy, his body temperature skyrocketing, and his body perpetually weak most times of the day. he wanted to kill someone, the next pirate king shouldn't be so frail!

"man, i-huff-i feel like i'm having a-huff-a heart attack." the redhead clutched his chest tight, discarding his fur coat off and tossing it somewhere in the blond's quarters. killer looked quite offended that his captain interrupted his knitting.

"what's wrong with you?" killer started as he watched his captain sit by the edge of his bed, taking his vest off as he tries gathering air. "not a fever perhaps?" he stood up and placed the back of his hand atop kidd's forehead, he seemed to be sweating coldly. "talk to me, kidd."

"can you- huff- can you get allergic to someone?"

killer looked at his best friend like he grew a another head. it took him a while to respond. he cleared his throat and continued. "sorry, kidd but... whatever the fuck do you mean?" he tried searching clarity from his captain's eyes as he tried racking his lacking-medicinal-terms brain.

"this is fuckin' ridiculous, alright mate? don'tcha dare laugh at me." kidd started, leaning his arms back behind him as they supported his weight. after taking in a deep breath, he continued. "i think i'm allergic to name."

killer tried stifling his laughter but failed, receiving death glares from the other. "oh you're serious, damn." the blond soon realized and cleared his throat. "how did you... arrive at that verdict, kidd?"

"to start: whenever that fuckin' woman's around, she always makes my stomach feel funny. like i'm about to puke rainbows and shit." he started. "i feel all hot and my throat goes dry, like cat got my damn tongue." he moved his hands around for emphasis, mostly towards his head and chest.

at this point, killer's not getting enough credit for stomaching whatever bullshit his captain brings upon him. he's thanking all the gods there is for his mask because he can't muster how contorted his face looks from the dumb shit his captain is spewing. the amount of times his best friend rambles incoherent drivel about you will send him to madness the next time he hears about them and not see any development. it's nonsense like these that makes him rub his temples and would rather physically punt kidd to make that boneheaded captain realize what he truly feels about you.

the blond stared at him with a grim aura around him, "the fuck are you staring at me like that for?!" kidd protested.

"do you not realize that maybe- just maybe- she makes you feel something else more than... just a fellow crewmate? like i don't know maybe fucking love?" killer tried tiptoeing, piecing it out for him. that is until kidd just blankly stared at him, blinking his eyes as he waits for a word that he understands.

"love?! pft, hell no, shit doesn't sound like me. and that's impossible, i am in hate with her." he shook his head, crossing his arms. "that's why she makes me sick all the way to my stomach. she's a witch i'm tellin' ya."

killer worried at how serious kidd was at that last bit, the redhead's brows furrowed earnestly as he clasped his hands together. "and you think these are all uhh- symptoms for your allergy?"

"not just those!" he interceded, fist slamming down the wooden table. the impact shaking the cup of tea killer had before this disaster walked in. "my chest, i can't breathe each time she's there. just like earlier before i came in, she walked pass me and then i feel like she casted some kind of stupid witchcraft and then i suddenly struggle to breathe...! have i told you that i strongly think that she's a goddamn witch?!"

"yeah, that's twice now."

"i can't eat, feels like i'll throw everythin' up once she sits beside me. and each time she does, her touch feels like i'm bein' stung. she'll walk up to me with that annoyingly beamin' smile and bright fuckin' eyes, i just end up embarrassin' my damn self if i associate myself even further..." he downed the rum in his hands, "there it is! i feel fuckin' hot again! that woman really-"

"what woman?" you suddenly came around, peeking at killer's quarters. kidd jumped at your voice, knocking over things from the table and immediately falling off his seat. killer could be seen with a hand buried on his face, well in this case helmet. you let out a laugh at your rum-drenched captain who was sitting bashfully on the floor.

despite that, you sauntered towards him and squatted down. you took your hanky and unfolded it, drying his hair and wiping the residue liquid on the rest of his face. "what dumb shit are you up to again, captain?" you tilted your head to get a good look at him, but he refused to meet your eyes. you sighed, realizing he was too embarrassed to speak. "well, pick yourself up cuz you look stupid. also, it's not good to see the future pirate king on the floor, don't you think? whatever, see ya." you stood upright, waving to the two men goodbye.

"kidd, you alright?"

"you're right. i'm in love, am i?" he looked up at his best friend, fisting his pants bashfully.

killer rested his chin by his hands with a sigh, "about time you fucking realize."

"that's fuckin' funny, how could i be fuckin' in love?! cuz i hate that she shuts me up cuz i think she's right most of the time. i hate that all that i see is her, every minute for every day. i hate how her eyes shine when she smiles. i hate how she looks at me with that much faith that i'd make it. i hate how she calls me captain and it messes with my fuckin' head, drivin' my chest abnormal. i hate how i constantly want to be beside her. i hate that i always think about where she is and what she's up to. i hate that i am dying to know if she feels the goddamn same for this helpless sack of fuck that can't even pull himself towards her!"

"damn." killer clicked his tongue. "you really are crazy for her, aren't you?"

"from the beginning of it all," he shook his head in disbelief. how can a woman, manage to weaken eustass kidd like this?! just how?! "but i doubt this'd happen, have you seen her and have you seen me? she's way out of my league." he picked himself up, padding his bum with dirt and wiping himself with that hanky you gave. your perfume mixing with rum on his hands.

"oh? humbling yourself, kidd? now, that's not like you." killer countered.

"i-i'm not!" his ears turned red just as fast as he shot out a response. "she's just..."

"too precious you don't want to ruin her?" killer finished, the shock in kidd's eyes proved his accuracy. killer stood beside his best friend and put an arm around his shoulder. "come on, kidd. i look at the two of you and all i see are a couple of hardheaded crooks from the same mould with the same attitude, same stubbornness, and same passion for their dreams. she's tamer than you yes, more intelligent yes, more emotionally aware yes, and much calmer than you yes. that's exactly why you need each other, she regulates your storms and you give her peace a little peril. and trust me, i've seen how much she craves for your danger."

that bit made something primal awaken within kidd, something that he won't be apologizing for once it reveals itself later.

"so go, kidd. get her." killer gave him a little pat on the shoulder and pushed him out his quarters. a sigh of relief as he finally sees the end of this farce.

kidd took a deep breath and went on a search for you. he went looking for you in almost an hour, only to find you in his workshop as you mused at his trinkets and creations. "name, i've been looking everywhere for you. the hell are you doing here?"

"jeez, a hello would be nice." you rolled your eyes. "i wanted to tell you something."

"that's crazy, so do i." he shut the door behind him. he saw the shift in your expression as you heard his statement.

"you can go first." you smiled, making his heart skip a beat again.

"nah, you go."

"i insist. go on."

"no, go ahead."

"captain, just spit it out."

"you spit it out."

"you were the one looking for me, you go first!"

"well, you're the first one who said you were gonna say somethin'!"

"you know what?! neverfuckingmind! i can't with your dumb, stubborn ass!" you walked pass him. that is until he impulsively grabs your wrist and puts you back in your initial place.

you felt your skin burn at his touch, sucking in a deep breath as you regulated your rhythms from his firm grip.

"stay." he announced, seriously this time. you got a good look at his face, the faint light of the lantern along the little window by the other side of the room illuminated his sharp features. his eyes glowing with earnest and the genuine

need to say something he seems to be keeping for a while now.

he got closer and closer until your bum met with his worktable settled at the other side of the room, your hands holding at the edges for support as he got precariously close. you looked away as to not make your heart explode, mustering something up to calm yourself down. "w-why are you s-so clo-"

"look at me." he raised your chin with his index finger, directly locking eyes with you. "you aware that you've been driving your captain fuckin' insane ever since you set foot in the victoria?"

you furrowed your brows lightly, looking for any sort of clue in his honey eyes. your mouth was agape, too lost at the situation and too aroused at the proximity between the two of you. "from the way you always oppose me on the littlest things as you measure up to my stubbornness and knock some sense into me, to the way you usher me on to my dream like my pocket-sized cheerleader." he started, hypnotizing you with the fiery burn of his golden orbs; honey swirls swimming in them. "i love you." he placed a kiss on your forehead, down to your nose, to each side of your cheek, before pausing and waiting for the green light to your lips.

"well?" he raised a brow, keeping a milimeter distance away from your lips you could choke physically.

"tease." you replied, pulling him by his collar as you two clash your lips against each other. you wrapped your arms around his neck and he did too around your waist. it went on for a while before you two pulled away to get some air, panting in each other's lips. "your breath stinks of rum."

"as if that doesn't off you." he smirked, playfully tugging at your lower lips between his teeth. "so, what were you gonna say?"

"that i'm nuts about you too." you kissed his cheek. "funny how this whole shit works, right?!"

he threw his head back as he laughed. "all this time i thought i was the only crazy one."

"well, you're not very good at hiding how you like me so much." you teased, poking his cheek.

"shut it and kiss me more." he changed the topic, growling as he nuzzled his face by your neck. grinning as he elicited a little moan from you.

"have i told you how much i love your perfume?" he sucked in a deep breath, buttering your jaw and neck with kisses as the red pigment from his lips spanned further across your skin.

"no i thought you hated it."

"that's code for love, you dumbass." he breathed in your ear, making you giggle. he littered your neck with kisses, reveling at the fits of giggles he kindles from you.

i took this idea from an ao3 fic i read abt todobaku aND I CAN'T FIND IT ANYMORE! but anw i thought it'd be a good idea to incorporate kidd into this hehe. FINALLY FLESHED OUT A FIC IN SO LONG WOO

#one piece #eustass kidd #anime #cha writes #manga #one piece headcanons #one piece x reader #eustass kid #eustass kidd x reader #eustass kidd headcanons #eustasscaptainkid #eustass captain kidd #eustass kid x reader #one piece scenarios #one piece imagine #one piece fluff #fluff #eustass kid headcanons #one piece x female reader #one piece kid #one piece x y/n #one piece x you #eustass kidd x y/n

[joannerowling]

God I’m so fucking tired

JK Rowling screenshotted a comment someone made under one of her Tweets that said: “The Nazis burnt books on trans healthcare and research, why are you so desperate to uphold their ideology around gender?”

And she responded with: “I just… how? How did you type this out and press send without thinking ‘I should maybe check my source for this, because it might’ve been a fever dream’?”

And she’s being called a Holocaust denier for this.

I just. I’m. Okay.

First of all, as a Jewish woman, I’m so fucking sick of people comparing everything to the Holocaust and comparing anyone who hurts their feelings to Nazis.

Second of all, no they fucking didn’t. This bullshit gender cult wasn’t a thing back then, and if anything, mutilating genitals, removing breasts, flaying arms to make “penises” and permanently sterilizing patients actually sounds like something Josef Mengele would’ve done.

Third of all, homosexuals were indeed sent to the camps but no, it wasn’t because of their “gender identity”, it was because they were homosexual. And considering how the gender cult LOVES conversion therapy (since they’re constantly telling homosexuals to “unlearn their genital fetishism” (aka trying to tell them that their same-sex attraction which is innate and unchangeable is bigotry)), the Nazis would absolutely have loved to do what the cult is doing today.

I’m sorry but my thoughts are rambled, I’m just seeing red so my brain is too outraged to function.

I've seen. You read my mind, i don't have much to add.

The Holocaust is the name given to the genocide of Jews during WW2. Period. Any individual or political group seeking to deny this is actually engaging in Holocaust denial, which is to say, the denial of a Jewish genocide specifically. Even IF the modern version of trans people had been targeted by the Nazis in the way these tweets imply (which as you said did not happen; the trans victims then were mostly gay men, unlike today's trans activists), that wouldn't make them Holocaust victims.

#replies #anon #antisemitism

[tadpoles-and-daydreams]

Just so y'all know, I'm pouring some of my soul out in this post. It gets emotional-please mind the gaslighting tw <3 There's no pressure to read this, I just feel this needs to be said and hopefully will help someone out there.

In case this helps someone, the reason I say "Telling witchlings/baby witches that negative entities will pretend to be deities, or that they can't trust their deities is damaging" is because it damaged my craft directly. Not only as a witchling, but even now.

When I first started it was because I hid that I was working with Persephone from everyone except close friends, because I was scared I would be judged. Persephone came to me, and I had no reason to ignore the call. There was no questioning whether it was truly a goddess that had stepped into my head when I woke up from the fever dream (affectionate) that she sent me with the name "Persephone" blaring in my head.

Even now, Loki spent a solid chunk last night, late as hell, sitting with me while I spiraled. And it was a bad spiral, at least by my standards. I'm really good at gaslighting myself, not-so-fun fact, and I saw something talking about people convincing themselves that deities were around when really it was just their own imagination. I understand that that post might be helpful to some, so if anyone knows what post I'm talking about PLEASE do not attack them. And if you happen to have posted that, PLEASE do not continue reading this post and please don't feel bad. I don't remember if it was in my following or for you or your tags- but that's not the point.

The point is, of course my brain decided that today was the day to fuck me up! Yayyyyy. /s I had already been, due to some recent information I got about where my deity work will be going (that's a separate post) questioning the validity of my craft. Who the HELL am I to do that sort of work? Why me? I'm just some dude. I'm not even "just some dude" I'm some dude who actively struggles to do just about anything in life. Y'all I was having A TimeTM and seeing that post was the final straw.

So I sat there, cards in hand, completely unable to get any direct communication from Loki because my head was too loud and I was questioning whether or not they were even real at all. And I've gone from "trickster energy = asshole who laughs at others" to trusting Loki with all I have so quickly, because they sat with me. I could feel them even if I couldn't "hear" them. Card after card telling me I'm supported, I'm on the right path, what I've been told I'm meant to do is my path and not some "'chosen one' bullshit" as I remember wording it. Nothing but love and support. I pulled The Fool twice, which just felt like a nudge of "Hey, I really am here." (For those of you who may not know, The Fool is associated with Loki!)

This is.... a vulnerable thing to put in a tumblr post, but I leave it here anyway. I did get one thing from him, as I was going to bed. I thanked them for staying, even when I was too stressed and overwhelmed to hear them. And somewhere in the back of my mind, very firmly, I get; "I will ALWAYS be here." Long pause at the implication, because I know that deities often come and go just like people. "Always?" "Mhm." cue the clear image of them grinning.

So, apparently, Loki is here to stay with me for good. I'm so grateful to have them in my life.

But this is what I mean when I say it's bad to scare the witchlings. That post scared me, outright triggered me, and I've been around witchcraft my whole life and actively practicing for four years. Please stop telling people they're "just imagining" their deities.

#witchcraft #paganism #witchblr #pagan witch #pagan #eclectic pagan #paganblr #witch community #deity work #witch blog #tw gaslighting #tw gaslighting mention

[mi-rae07]

Jung Wooyoung : Again

Pairing : Jung Woo-young (Ateez) and named character (Shin Iseul)

______________

Synopsis : Wooyoung left her thinking she had cheated on him. But when Iseul catches a fever few days later and is at her lowest, wooyoung seems to find her. Will he take care of her all over again? Or is his pride going to come in the way.

_______________ 

Iseul coughed as she felt her eyes get blurry from how sick she was, her hands fumbling around to find some medicine. But she found none, she just couldn't in this state. Iseul bent down on the floor, sniffing as she felt liquid run down her nose.

She needed him, god she wanted him close to her so bad. But he had left her, he had said he never wanted to see her again.

______________________

FLASHBACK :

Wooyoung : you were with that man.

Iseul : no! no, woo I was not.

Wooyoung : really? You're lying to my face now, iseul?

Iseul : him and I are just friends, I swear-

Wooyoung : MINA SAW YOU KISSING EACH OTHER, ISEUL! WHAT ARE YOU SAYING!

Iseul : why do you trust her more than me? Why do I have no say in any of this?

Wooyoung : a cheater has no right. I gave you my entire heart and you broke it apart. And for that I hate you, iseul. I will always fucking hate you.

Iseul : I have only ever loved you, wooyoung. I have not even thought about cheating on you, even once. You keep believing that lady over me, ALL THE TIME-

Wooyoung : BECAUSE SHE'S NEVER ONCE LIED TO ME, WHILE YOU'VE LIED EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU WENT OUT WITH HIM!

Iseul : THAT'S BECAUSE I'M SCARED OF HOW YOU MIGHT REACT, WOOYOUNG!

Wooyoung : GOD, FUCK THIS!

Wooyoung took his bracelet off and threw it at iseul, the edge hitting her tear-stained cheeks as his promise bracelet fell to the floor in front of iseul's feet.

Iseul : no-

Wooyoung : I'm breaking up with you.

Iseul : wooyoung, I swear I did not kiss him. Why won't you believe me-

Wooyoung : I SAID WE'RE DONE, SHIN ISEUL!

And before she could say anything, he had already left.

__________________________

Iseul was now sitting on the floor while trying to breathe through her mouth, her nose already blocked and bleeding. She needed to wipe the blood off of her nose, but she couldn't stand up and neither could she see straight.

Maybe she was going to die here like this. And maybe she didn't mind.

??? : ISEUL! PLEASE! OPEN THE DOOR FOR ME!

Iseul's eyes widened as she recognized the voice outside her apartment door, her hands clenching against the fabric of her sweaty dress as she kept quiet.

Wooyoung : NO, PLEASE. I'M SO SORRY, LET ME TALK!

Iseul said nothing, partly because she was gasping for air and partly because the blood tricking down her nose was starting to somehow scare her. She had never been this sick, wooyoung had never let that happen.

Wooyoung : ISEUL! I'M GOING TO BREAK THIS DOOR OPEN IF YOU DON'T LET ME IN, PLEASE!

Iseul could care less. She couldn't even move from her place anymore and was barely managing to so much as breathe. A few seconds later iseul heard the click sound indicating the door was now open, letting wooyoung in. she wasn’t shocked he knew the password, she hadn't really changed it.

A gasp was heard as wooyoung walked into the room where iseul was sitting crouched on the floor, her hands chipped with blood.

Wooyoung : oh no no no, iseul.

Wooyoung rushed towards her, kneeling on the ground as his breathing got heavy from sheer panic. He had never seen her this way before.

Wooyoung : no, what's…what's wrong with you. What's going on, please just-

Iseul : le-leave.

Wooyoung brought his trembling hand towards iseul's pale cold ones, his eyes teary

Wooyoung : I'm so sorry. God, this is all my fault I never should have left.

Iseul : but you di-did.

Wooyoung : seul-

Iseul : why'd you come back? That bitch told you the truth?

Wooyoung : no, no she said nothing. I just…I decided to come by myself because I missed you. And I just…I had this feeling you were hurt-

Iseul : don't give me bullshit, wooyoung.

Wooyoung moved closer to iseul, holding her cheek as he said

Wooyoung : I came back because I wanted to. I came back because I realized I was stupid to not trust you after all the love that you had showered me with. I was…I was wrong, iseul.

Iseul looked up at wooyoung with her hazy eyes, her nose still runny. Wooyoung leaned forward and kissed iseul's forehead before whispering

Wooyoung : I'm here right now and I'm going to make this better for you. Even if you don't love me anymore, let me do that. Please.

Iseul just stared at wooyoung as he lifted her up, carrying her in his arms as iseul's arms and legs wrapped weakly around wooyoung's body. Wooyoung laid a hand on the back of her neck, iseul's head on his shoulders as wooyoung carried iseul to her bedroom effortlessly. He knew what had to be done.

Wooyoung laid iseul on the bed before rushing outside, taking all that was required before rushing back to iseul's room.

Wooyoung : you have to eat your food and then your medicines, and I'll clean you up because the sweat and blood contributes to your being ill. And then I-

Wooyoung paused as he realized iseul was just staring at him, a blank look on her face.

Wooyoung : seul-ie?

Iseul : you're terrible. You…you hurt me and now you're trying to he-heal me?

Wooyoung : I regret hurting you, baby. I wish I had never done it, I regretted it every single fucking day.

Iseul looked away, coughing hoarsely as wooyoung sighed and kept the food tray on the bedside table before holding iseul's arm.

Wooyoung : you have to sit up.

Iseul : I don't want to.

Wooyoung : iseul-

Iseul : I will not eat the food you made.

Wooyoung pressed his lips together at the harsh words, his heart clenching.

Wooyoung : I…I didn't make them.

Iseul : don't lie to me, wooyoung.

Wooyoung : please, just this once. Iseul, you're too sick love. Please just let me-

Iseul : you're making me feel even sicker.

Wooyoung : is this what you want? Do you want to keep hurting me?

Iseul stared at wooyoung as he sat down, taking the bowl of soup in his hands before saying

Wooyoung : then do it. Hurt me all you want, say whatever you want to say. While drinking this soup, you can. You can call it bad, you can say it tastes terrible, say whatever the hell you want. But please, please just have this.

Iseul stared at wooyoung, not saying anything back. Wooyoung sighed and brought the spoon of soup closer to her lips as iseul slowly had it, the liquid soothing her dry, burning throat.

Iseul : you left me. You left me when you were supposed to fucking stay. And now you're here feeding me soup.

Wooyoung fed iseul another spoon of soup, not saying anything.

Iseul : you broke all the promises you had ever made me when you left. You broke it all apart.

Wooyoung still said nothing.

Iseul : what makes you think I would take you back after all that?

Wooyoung : I don't. I don't think you will ever take me back. I just don't want to see you sick, that's why I'm here.

Iseul : stop lying, jung wooyoung.

Wooyoung : you wouldn’t believe me even if I said the truth anymore, seul-ah. You're allowed to hate me all you want, I was wrong.

Iseul : you're trying to play the victim now.

Wooyoung : I'm not, I'm only trying to make you get better.

Wooyoung brought another spoon of soup forward before feeding it to iseul, her eyebrows furrowed at the taste. She missed his food, but she wasn't going to tell him that.

Iseul : what if you hadn't come today? What if you'd have continued to believe that I cheated on you? Would I have just died in here-

Wooyoung : don't say that! Iseul, you are not going to…to die. Not before I do.

Iseul rolled her eyes, looking away as she said

Iseul : because we totally get to decide that.

Wooyoung sighed as he kept the soup bowl away, taking the medicine before bringing it towards iseul's lips

Wooyoung : open.

Iseul opened them as wooyoung put the pills in her mouth before handing a glass of water, iseul drinking it down quickly.

Wooyoung : now sleep, I'll be right outside. If you need anything, just call me.

Wooyoung was about to get up and leave when iseul whispered under her breath

Iseul : you're leaving again.

Wooyoung : no. no iseul, I'm not going to leave you. I'll be right outside-

Iseul : and I can believe that? That you're just going to stay outside until I wake up?

Wooyoung : iseul-

Iseul : stay here next to me.

Wooyoung stared at iseul, half shocked. She'd told him she hated him, and now she wanted him to stay. Iseul lifted her hand and held wooyoung's arm, pulling him down on the bed as wooyoung fell right next to iseul.

Iseul : stay here until I wake up. You cannot leave.

Wooyoung supposed he could do that.

________________________________________

In fact wooyoung didn't leave. Because even when iseul had woken up hours later, dehydrated and half-asleep, wooyoung had his head rested on her hand, his eyes closed. But she did not fail to notice the dry tear-stains on his cheeks, and the irregular breathing pattern that he now possessed. He was having a nightmare, it was obvious with the way he was clenching his hand and mumbling small things under his breath.

Iseul reached out for him, hating the way her body reacted to seeing wooyoung in pain. She unconsciously brought her hand to wooyoung's hair, slowly resting her hand on it before whispering

Iseul : wooyoung.

He did not wake up. In fact, that only seemed to make it all worse. Iseul stroked wooyoung's hair, now slowly starting to sit up as she said

Iseul : wooyoung wake up, it's only a nightmare.

Again, he did not wake up.

Iseul : wooyoung! Wooyoung, you have to wake up, I'm right here!

At that wooyoung seemed to flinch hard as he quickly sat up straight, his teary eyes blinking as it tried adjusting to the surroundings. Wooyoung was breathing heavily, his eyes staring into iseul's worried, concerned ones. Wooyoung gulped as he looked away before asking

Wooyoung : did you need something? Water?

Iseul frowned at that. Wooyoung was clearly a mess from the nightmare he just had and the first thing he asked was whether she needed something?

Iseul : what was that?

Wooyoung : what was what?

Iseul : the nightmare.

Wooyoung : nothing, it was nothing.

Iseul : wooyoung, tell me. What was that nightmare about, what about it was so scary to you?

Wooyoung : you don't have to know-

Iseul : except I want to, so tell me.

Wooyoung sighed, looking away as he said under his breath

Wooyoung : I have a fear of abandonment. Autophobia, it's called. I just…I have these nightmares sometimes, that's all.

Iseul : you…you didn't have them when we were together.

Wooyoung : because we were together. Now you're gone, and that sort of…triggers the phobia, I suppose.

Iseul felt her heart drop at his words.

Iseul : wooyoung-ah, why didn't you tell me?

Wooyoung : because I didn't want you to stay only because of that. I'm not entitled to any of that from you after what I did.

Iseul stared at wooyoung who had his head lowered, his shoulders slumped. Iseul let out a breath and held a hand out for wooyoung to hold before saying

Iseul : come here.

Wooyoung : no. no stop.

Iseul : woo, I said come to me. You listen to me when I tell you, okay? So come to me.

Wooyoung slowly got onto the bed, the blanket engulfing the lower part of his body as iseul pulled wooyoung towards her. She put her arms around his upper body, wooyoung's head now rested on her chest as his hand gripped the side of iseul's waist.

Wooyoung : you don't have to-

Iseul : shh.

Iseul pulled the blanket over wooyoung and herself, her hands gently tapping the side of wooyoung's biceps as wooyoung slowly brought his head up to look at iseul with his teary eyes. She held his wet cheek, stroking her thumb along it before whispering

Iseul : don't cry.

Wooyoung : I'm sorry.

Iseul : no don't be sorry either. Woo, I'm not abandoning you.

Wooyoung nuzzled his head back into iseul's chest, tears falling down his eyes as he whispered

Wooyoung : you are abandoning me, iseul.

Iseul : no. you abandoned me, wooyoung. It's not the other way around.

Iseul paused as wooyoung suddenly sobbed against her chest, his grip on her waist tightening as he said in a broken voice

Wooyoung : I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean it, I regret it, iseul! I wish I hadn't done it and I-

Wooyoung cut himself off with another heart-wrenching sob, iseul's grip on wooyoung tightening as he whispered

Wooyoung : I miss you. I miss you so fucking much, I don't know how to even function without you, iseul.

Iseul pressed her lips against the top of wooyoung's head, sniffling as she said

Iseul : I missed you too.

Wooyoung looked up at iseul, his messed up, teary face coming to her view. He looked up at her with eyes filled with desperation and plead, his hands shaking as he said

Wooyoung : please don't leave me. Please don’t let go, please. I have…I have no one except you, please don't leave me iseul.

Iseul : I won't leave you, wooyoung. I never was planning to, until I got sick. I was planning to prove my innocence to you-

Wooyoung : I don’t need it. God, I don't need it!

Wooyoung leaned forward and captured iseul's lips in his, making her eyes widen as she said

Iseul : no! I'm sick and you'll-

Wooyoung : let me catch it. I can suffer a million of these fevers if it means being able to kiss you. Again, and again.

________________________

#wooyoung #jung wooyoung #ateez wooyoung #wooyoung ff #wooyoung au #wooyoung fanfic #wooyoung x oc #wooyoung imagines #wooyoung imagine #wooyoung angst #wooyoung fluff #ateez #ateez au #ateez ff #ateez fanfic #ateez angst #ateez fluff #ateez imagine #ateez imagines #kpop ff #kpop au #kpop imagines #kpop angst #kpop fluff #kpop fanfic #angst #fluff #au #fanfic

[charleslee-valentine]

Should have read that detour sign

Word Count: ~2,000

Warnings: Suicidal ideation, suicide attempt, murder-suicide, graphic depictions and descriptions of domestic abuse, period typical attitudes towards women, child neglect, very dark themes.

This fic was beta read by nov!

__________________

Drayton mentions his woes, casual as he can manage, while hanging the linens over the clothesline.

“Babies are sick again, Mama.”

She’d just bothered showing her face to the world after another bender last night. Normally he’d be making as much noise in the house as he could to get the bitch up and help him some. But those babies are in there resting and recovering today, so he took to doin’ the laundry outside. It could’ve been a nice day to lay the babies in the grass and let ‘em crawl and explore on their bellies, if not for their fevers.

Even with Drayton taking extra special care of those kids, Mama don’t seem all that concerned. Her dull stare is almost scathing, “You do what I told you?”

Right. All her bullshit ‘stop whining’ remedies that didn’t do nothing. He scoffs, “A salt water bath ain’t gonna fix this’n.”

Back talkin’ ain’t a good enough answer for her, “But did you try it, Drayton?”

Something about not being listened to lights the fuse at the end of his temper. Against his better judgement, he snaps at her, “Of fucking ‘course I did! Past three days I tried it! And it ain’t helped!”

“Watch your language.” Mama scolds automatically.

His next response sort of just tumbles out of his big mouth just as quick, “Right. ‘Cause that’s what’s important right now.”

That earns him a thwack. Mama’s long, ringed fingers crack against the back of his skull hard enough his eyes go fuzzy.

“Drayton Sawyer hold your tongue, damn it!”

No tears. No whining. He swallows it down. He’s grown now, damn it. Raising up two little boys like they’s his own. Can’t teach them the cowardice he’s always had in his bruised heart.

Mama hasn’t even named the boys yet. Seven weeks old and they got no names, just in case’n they don’t get better. But what the hell would she know about better, if she don’t ever even hold ‘em?

Drayton’s voice is tense and tight, but he don’t let it waver.

“Mama. Have you checked on them once today?”

His insistence finally gets her somewhat interested. Probably not worried though. She at least backs off just a little from her anger, “They alright?”

“I told you already they aren’t.” Drayton sort of mumbles so it isn’t immediately registered that he’s still pissed. No sense in getting himself hit any more.

Mama at least looks guilty. It’s just for the smallest second, that her deep brown eyes flit towards the house, clearly thinking about the little boys inside. About how to help ‘em.

Doesn’t last long. ‘Cause then she’s looking to Drayton, expecting him to fix her mess like always.

She declares, like she’s all proud of it, “You’ll find a way to take care of it.”

Drayton feels the bitter scowl on his own face even though he don’t wanna show it. Might as well lean into it. Calm like, he takes a few steps towards the door, calling over his shoulder at Mama, “Alright, maybe I’ll ask grandpa.”

The very same grandpa that drank himself into a catatonia now, used to be one mean sonuva bitch. Drayton could mess up once as a kid and fists would start flying. If it weren’t Mama and her claws, it’ve been grandpa and his hatred. His evil. His steel toed boots and warped knuckles.

That man would never even hold the boys, not in the state he’s in, half out his mind in a rocking chair all the day long. But the threat, and what it means, is enough.

Mama grabs him by the arm and digs those nails in. Drayton lets her pull him, never having any intention of actually bothering the old asshole.

“Don’t you dare.” She spits.

“What, it ain’t right to hit on your kids now?” Drayton acts like he don’t know exactly what he’s doing.

But it backfires.

Mama is fierce. Vicious. Boy had to learn it from somewhere, after all.

“Not those babies. They don’t deserve it.”

So he did. She hated him from the start. Even before he grew up ugly and mean and half-an-idiot, she didn’t want nothing to do with him. To this day he’s nothing more than her damn maid. It’s do it or face the consequences, and get nothin’ at all in return.

Frustration boils until it’s more akin to rage, the kind he can’t just push under the surface.

“Why’s that, mama? They too fragile? Too sick? Maybe they should see a goddamn doctor then!”

His ribs are certainly fragile after being broke so many times. Every day his back hurts. Hands shake. Something ain’t right anymore in Drayton’s body because of being beat so bad all his life.

He gets another slap right across the face, hard enough to turn his head full. Mama’s tidy nails catch his skin and leave a cut rifht under his eye. One singular tear of his blood rolls down and drips to the collar of his shirt.

Can’t have that now, can’t go leavin’ the evidence in plain sight. Drayton uses his sleeve to wipe it away. Blood and motor oil don’t look too differently. Nobody’ll know a thing. If they do, well, that Drayton Sawyer has always been no good. Probably deserved it.

Oh but just you ask Mama, and that ain’t her fault.

She seethes, “I know how to raise my children.”

The next thing Drayton thinks doesn’t even need to be said for it to sit heavy in the air. His face must show his skepticism.

Mama don’t like that. Somehow she can read his mind and know exactly what he’s thinkin’ of. She scolds him for it, “Don’t you give me that look, Drayton! I have to provide, don’t I?”

“Walking the streets and providing are two very different things, woman.”

Drayton don’t usually talk about mama’s type of business. The oldest profession, one unfit for a mother who had no right to ever leave behind her own dying babies.

Never home, and when she does coming back random hours of the night, doin’ all kinds of drugs and remedies to flush her system of the random men who touched her. Clearly all her pseudoscience bullshit didn’t work none though, or the boys wouldn’t be on the brink of death. The disease she gave them was through her tainted blood. Venereal.

Mama’s only pretty sure the twins and Drayton got the same daddy. Not one of her vile clients, just an old fling who never stepped the hell up but she crawled back to anyhow.

Drayton hates them all. Hates mama, hates the men who buy her, hates their daddy for not sticking around to help none, hates grandpa for watching it all go down from behind the bars of his self-built mind prison. Hates God for not dealing him a better hand.

Every goddamn day he works to keep his two brothers alive, just because it’s right. And deep down, he thinks he hates them too.

Mama don’t appreciate that not one bit. She refuses to even acknowledge it, “If I could just get some damn help-“

That’s more than enough for Drayton. He’s done with goin’ on like this. Can’t take another minute of not being appreciated for working himself bloody and broken and still taking care of those kids in between.

If his slaving away don’t mean nothing, then he’ll just go.

He leaves Mama on the porch, storming inside. Oughta pack a bag and leave right now, a baby under each arm.

“Where are you going?” Mama’s thick voice shrieks at him, and the tiniest hint of panic there drives him to keep going.

He wants her to be afraid.

Turning on heel, he yells back at her, “To tend to your bastard children, since you’re so unbothered with it god damn all!”

The noise ain’t good for the twins. Slamming doors and booming arguments and all. Drayton certainly ain’t calming down any time soon, and Mama won’t leave once a fight’s started. Leaves only one thing.

Nothing more than a light blanket around each baby, Drayton leaves. Didn’t have time to make a plan and execute it. All the way down to his truck he leaves.

From the stoop, Mama screams at him, “Get your ass back here!”

But Drayton ain’t gonna listen this time. Won’t or can’t, actually that’s not really clear. Fact is, he just needs out.

Babies are in the back on their little blankets, cuddled up to each other for heat between them, even though it’s goddamn 80 something degrees out they’re cold, and Drayton just drives.

Don’t know where he’s going and don’t care.

Every now and again, he’ll check all the mirrors, make sure hell ain’t coming for him. One call to the state from Mama and he’d be done for. But it ain’t him she should be worried about when grandpa still ain’t dead yet.

They try to ruin him and take the babies back, well he’s got his own fair share of family secrets. Things a hell of a lot worse than getting the kids away from their monster whore of a mother on a rampage.

Then again, might not matter in the end.

He’d rather be dead than lose the only family he had the chance to care for instead of them hating him first.

Going 70 miles an hour on a curved stretch of road, Drayton considers it. Death, that is.

Could save them all three a whole world of heartbreak if they just went out together now. It’d be quick. Just take his hands off the wheel for one second and then-

A tanker flashes its lights and blares the horn when his truck crossed the centerline. Whatever evil took over Drayton’s Sawyer’s impulse to survive is gone and blinded, in the exact same moment the babies start wailing their little heads off.

Drayton slams on the brakes before they get so far off the road they’d crash. Crossed into the wrong lane, sure, but they’re safe on the opposite shoulder now.

The loud noise spooked the babes though. Only sound now is their crying, but even that is muffled in Draytons ears under the sound of his own heart racing.

One look back at those sick little boys, and all Drayton can feel is shame. He’d almost killed them. All three of them.

On purpose.

Looking back at them there, bare-chested, covered in rashes, sobbing so hard they’re pink in their little faces, Drayton wishes he could strike himself down for what he almost did. Except, striking down is what he wanted. Death was the end goal. He’d failed to go through with it, for one, but his biggest failure was as an older brother.

Something’s gotta change. Living this life will be a worse punishment than ending it. Carrying on and raising up those kids, guiltily remembering all his life what he’d almost done, that would be much worse than whatever death was like.

Still, subject him to hellfire for even thinking it, but he’d still end the suffering now if he were strong enough. Pull the pin and let it all burn up now, instead of waiting for hell to do it first.

They’ll always be miserable. It comes with being a godforsaken Sawyer.

Drayton lets the babies wail.

Shaking hands and ghosts of impulses won’t change their pain. Their fear. The twins’ll have to learn to soothe themselves eventually anyhow.

Still as a spectre, Drayton starts the car back, and he drives. The only acknowledgment of the dreadful children’s screams an occasional, violent twitch of his hand, when he fails to block it out and almost snaps.

In his head, he thinks it could be worse. They could be wrapped in tangled metal, instead of their warm blankets and each other's frail little arms.

But he doesn’t say a word, and as he brings them home, takes them inside. He just lays them in their little cot and walks away. Mama is gone again already, no doubt drinking away the argument from earlier. If she won’t bother, why should he? His age, he should be moving out. Settling down. Making something of himself.

Instead Drayton feels like a monster. A hateful beast.

Like his grandpa. Like his mother. Like a Sawyer.

No sense in quitting tradition now, he supposes.

#my writing #please read the warnings up top and view at your own discretion #tw suicidal ideation #tw sui ideation #tw abuse #drayton sawyer #nubbins sawyer #chop top sawyer #bobby sawyer #tcm fanfic #draytons in his early 20s here!

[dreamcorechild]

[Friends opening would play.]

So no one told you life was going to be this way.

Your job's a joke, you're broke, you're love life's DOA. [Starring Muzan Jackson]

It's like you're always stuck in second gear, [Kokushibo and Akaza]

When it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year. [Doma the Dumbass]

But, I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour. [Kaigaku.]

I'll be there for you, like I've been there before. [Gyokko]

I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too. [And Gyutaro, Daki, and Nakime.]

[The song finishes once all of them fall into the fountain. Muzan scurried his way out, completely soak and wet.]

Muzan: "That was a stupid idea..."

Akaza: "Oh come on. At least we all manage to take part in it."

Doma: "Exactly! You were enjoying yourself out there."

Muzan: "Did not!- Whatever. It is a good thing that all of you are here... Well.. Minus the Hantengu brothers but.. Who needs them."

Kokushibo: "Thats not nice."

Muzan: ".... You were never nice to me Kokushibo."

Kaigaku: "Hey! You leave master out of this!"

Akaza: "Lets just get to the point. Muzan."

Muzan: "Ah yes.. I think now is the time for us to confront this Y/N person, and ask her why she thought it was funny to use a small boy as her spy..."

Akaza: "Oh.... Were doing that.. Well."

Muzan: "Dont tell me your declining this offer!"

Akaza: "I cant okay!! I have to take Koyuki to the doctors.. Her fever is getting worse.."

Gyutaro: "Well, if your taking your fiancé to the doctors.. Whats gonna happen to the child.. It isn't safe for the boy to be all home alone."

Doma: "I love that movie-"

Muzan: "Shut up Doma."

Doma: "ITS THE TRUTH. YOU SHOULD WATCH IT, ITS A GOOD MOVIE OKAY!!!!"

Nakime: "But no, Gyutaro is right.. Sonny wouldn't be able to fend for himself incase any other demons would discover him in your dojo, Akaza."

Akaza: "Drats.. Your right... God dammit, what do I do?!?!"

Kaigaku: "Maybe he can tag along with us-"

Kokushibo: "No. Its to dangerous for the child.. We must lend him to someone for them to look after him while were gone... Muzan, you did say that upper moon 4 wont be joining with us today.. Didn't you?"

Muzan: "That is correct..... Wait... Kokushibo your a fucking genius!"

Kokushibo: "Wow, first time that you appreciate me."

Muzan: "I always appreciate you."

Kokushibo: "Since when?"

Muzan: "Since now... Forget it.. Give me the child, you fuckers wait here.. And Akaza, you can piss off to the doctors."

Akaza: "Thanks, I guess?"

Doma: "Just dont do anything bad Muzan."

Muzan: "I wont. I was never that heartless."

Daki: "Not even the Kamado family?"

Muzan: "..... We dont talk about them."

[The man set off, Akaza followed him so he can collect his wife who was bed bound and frail to the core. Sonny replaced each towel with fresh water. Dapping it on her forehead to balance out the temperature. The sliding door opens to his surprise. Causing the young lad to scurry away into the corner.]

Akaza: "Glad to see you nursing my fiancé little one. I Admired that gratefully."

Muzan: "Yeah yeah. Move it along basketball head. Sonny, come with me this instant"

Sonny: "???"

Akaza: "Thats not how you say it Muzan.. This is how.. Sonny. Muzan is gonna take you to the Hantengu brothers. They will look after you for the day until we return. I promise you that they wont conflict any harm or Assault you.."

Sonny: *Nod*

Akaza: "See Muzan. Thats how you convince a child without forcing them. I would praise you for that but due to what bullshit you have afflicted on us.. I wouldn't say that anyone would applaud you for it."

Muzan: "Oh shut up. Just take your stupid germ spreading wife away from me!!!"

Akaza: *Sarcasm* "As you wish.. My lord and savior, Michael-"

PUNCH!!!!!!!

[Sonny wasn't to fond with the demon lord. Not only is because of his temper and compulsive behavior.. But he sure didn't forget the threatening words he said to him with such snarly tone. Muzan refused to look at Sonny when the child was face up and eye contact to him. He scoffed.. Why was he in charge of taking this cretin to the infinity castle... Why cant the other bozo's do it themselves.. After all.. Its was his solution and honor to do it.. So it could be a 50% that it was his fault... Nonetheless, Muzan dragged the vulnerable corpse to one of the sections of the castle. He let go of his arm, banging on the door impatiently.]

Muzan: "SEKIDO! AIZETSU! KARAKU! UROGI! ZOHAKUTEN! OPEN THIS FUCKING DOOR NOW OR I WILL EXECUTE YOUR ASS WITH MY 2X4!!!!"

Zohakuten: "Uahhh!! lord Muzan, I'm coming. I'm coming, jeez fricking Christ!!"

[Out of all emotions. Zohakuten was the only one who worships and serves as Muzan main upper moon 4. He bowed down to the lord which he responded with a grin. Zohakuten smiled. Finally praised and refined from his harshly lashing out personality. Muzan shoved the boy to the Demon. Demanding him and his brothers to keep an eye on him, His crimson eyes glowed when he said that. Stunning Zohakuten.]

Muzan: "Don't let anyone know about his existence.. Its a secret for us demons to keep.. Not share with any other stranger in this Barbarous world.."

Zohakuten: "Don't worry my lord.. We will do as granted of your commands!!!"

Muzan: "Thank you Zoha... Take care kiddo."

Sonny: "...."

Sonny couldn't get to say goodbye. By the time the lord was finally gone.. Zohakuten took one look at the child, Now alone. He lead him inside where one large zone was only for upper moon 4. The settings was off a modern style apartment.. Sonny wasn't like any other children who run around and knock over things.. He was different.. Mainly if doing so his body would hurt badly by the bandages rubbing on his wounds.]

Zohakuten: "Brothers. Come over here, we got a guest thats gonna be staying here with us!"

[No one heard that.]

Zohakuten: "Brothers! Get over here right now!!"

[No one heard that as well.]

Zohakuten: "Do they even have ears... GUYS!!! A FUCKING HASHIRA IS HERE!!!"

Sekido: "A hashira, where?!?!"

Urogi: "OH boy!!!! I ca-... You lied!! There is no Sword slaying murderers!"

Aizetsu: "Was this a false alarm or-"

Karaku: "Awwhh man. I was really dying to play with one of them.. A demon to be precise!"

Zohakuten: "No! I only called you guys here because!-"

Sekido: "Because of what?- Oh you got to be kidding me..."

[The hantengu brothers and Sonny stared at each other.. Not one of them made a sound. Not one of them moved.. Sonny was shaken up a bit by this sudden ordeal.]

#demon slayer #aizetsu #sekido #karaku #urogi #kokushibo #akaza #douma #gyutaro and daki #kaigaku #nakime #muzan kibutsuji #gyutaro #daki #kimestu no yaiba #demon slayer fanfic #zohakuten

[hils79]

Hils Watches The King's Avatar - Ep 38

This is probably going to be the last one I watch today and then I'll finish it tomorrow. Unless this one ends on a cliffhanger...

I don't know if he's lying but he seems genuinely delighted that Yifan has done something in the game and no one knows how he did it

I really thought Yifan had won that one and I legit gasped when Xiao Shiqin managed to take him out as he was dying. The game sequences in this drama are so good!

If they didn't both already have boyfriends I would ship them. Yifan deserves all the boyfriends who love and respect him.

His former captain is proud of him. I'm fine I'm not crying at all.

And his other boyfriend is proud of him too

All I've wanted is for someone to hug Yifan and amazingly it's An Wenyi who has stepped up

HEY! Why don't the girls get to be in the team huddle? This is bullshit.

I was so sure it was going to be Sun Xiang but I suppose Ye Xiu has to defeat his son before he can defeat his son's new dad

Love Shaotian using the commentator mic to send personal messages to his friend

Wenzhou: You are very cute but that's enough

I don't know why but I love that they all have lil backpacks with their keyboards, mice and headsets in

Haha! His son left him hanging and now he's acting like a cat who's pretending it meant to just fall off the table. And look how amused Xiao Shiqin is. Utterly delightful.

I love that even Wenzhou looks surprised

Aww look how he's matured. He wants them to be even before they fight so he knows he won on his own merit not because Ye Xiu was half dead when they started. Having a husband and a son has been good for him 😂

I love how shameless he's being. That's my little gremlin.

Everyone else: Ye Xiu is amazing!

Wei Chen: FFS!

That's his husband

YES! Phew that was an intense game!

Damn that was close!

I love that Shaotian isn't even pretending to be an unbiased commentator

Bowing to the fans to apologise for his loss. He really has grown up so much. FFS why am I crying over this?

I love Shaotian so much

It's cute when Ye Xiu calls Wei Chen old. It's less cute when people outside their team do it

I don't like it but pro sports players do shit like this all the time. At the end of any season you find out players were playing with broken bones and all sorts of awful stuff. One guy a few years back was getting hooked up to an IV every night while his team was in the final so he could play through a really bad fever.

Oh so he's letting her play now. Honestly, fuck this guy for fucking everyone around. The sooner she gets out of this toxic environment the better

I love that Xiao Shiqin hates him too

Ah, good. Right before the next game seems a good place to stop for the day. Back tomorrow to finish it off.

#hils watches #hils watches the king's avatar #hils watches cdramas #the king's avatar #cdrama

[drunktuesdays]

Hey, how did your marathon of House MD go? Did you end up finishing it? Did it hurt you?

slap i am so glad you asked. i slowed down from my initial FEVER because i am so scared to finish. i don't want to run out of my emotional support show. what do i do with my life if it's not watching house md hatecrime people. i can't not have that.

i am now in season 8 - and slap i'll tell you for free that little musical number you warned me about DID give me psychic damage - but i'm in season 8 now which is post HOUSE GOING TO PRISON!!!!!!!!! which i honestly did NOT see coming. i feel insane whenever i think about it. he went to P R I S O N.

i'm glad cuddy's gone though. something i do not thing was well explored was that eeeeeveryone was like "oh house is gonna self-sabotage when they get together because he doesn't know how to be happy," but actually SHE DID EVERYTHING SHE COULD TO MAKE THAT RELATIONSHIP FAIL. he said over and over to her that he didn't know how to do his job and date her. he didn't know how to act the way she wanted, and he needed her to be honest with him. and she SET HIM UP TO FAIL by continuing to MANAGE him and taking PERSONALLY every single thing that he did at work, as if it was somehow now a slight against their relationship that he's out there doing medical crimes ethics boards hadn't even conceived of. and the final straw with him relapsing--fucking bullshit. she SET HIM UP TO FAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anyway i hate taub so much. i hate him more than i've hated any other fictional character. more than i hate xander harris. i hope taub gets syphilis and his dick falls off and then he can never sleep with a beautiful woman who inexplicably falls in love with him EVER EVER EVER AGAIN!!! I HATE TAUB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#HOUSE MD #SLAPi #i think i'm gonna watch the mentalist next

[huffle-dork]

Anomaly Found: Alt B̶̨̲̯̥̳̱̌͘r̶̡̖̞̓̋͊̀̑͊̔ͅo̸̦͕̮̗̅̀̅̄͘͜͠͠ḑ̵̛̲̰̋̄͠y̴͙̼͎̥͔͐̑̾͋́̽

Masterpost | More Swapboys

This is a continuation of Alt’s Transition technically so make sure you read that first if you haven’t!

AN: This fic contains medical whump but is not super descriptive when it comes to operations! It also is not scientific what so ever and deals with magic-science bullshit! So don’t take it too seriously lol

This also introduces the Swapboys equilviant to IRIS! And a new character I’ve been very excited about! Enjoy :)

—————————-

Something was wrong. Alt didn’t know what yet but… something was wrong.

At first, the spell seemed to have been working just fine! When he woke up again He felt amazing, he felt strong, he felt right. He felt like he could take on the world- could take on Bro Fantastic himself!

But Magnificent told him to be patient and continue to rest. So the day passed by miserably slow… but at least he got extra cuddles with Glitches. It was so much nicer to cuddle with her now… no extra flesh getting in the way of her laying on his chest.

As night fell though… Alt started feeling strange. The room was wavering in front of him. It was too hot- yet also too cold. A fever…? His limbs felt like static- like something was stealing the strength from his muscles without his permission. He pushed himself up and felt a wave of dizziness nearly knock him over. What the hell?

Did Mag warn him about this? About side effects? …if he did Alt couldn’t remember- couldn’t force his voice to replay in his head, all he could hear was his blood and his heart thumping way too loudly.

The Dooms… they knew the truth about Alt’s body. Maybe they could help? Though they might freak out about the changes that were definitely not there the other day.

He tried to think it through but anxiety was strong in his body and brain. He felt himself glitching- but that felt wrong too! That made Alt panic even more. His glitching never felt wrong- not since he first got his powers. But now it all felt too sharp- too invasive. It felt like it was stealing the breath from him… something that was now as easy to him as breathing.

Would the Dooms even be able to help out if this was magic? He hadn't really shown or explained his glitches or magic to them but- they worked with superheroes, right? They knew of Bro- they… they could help. He just needed to explain. Besides… magic always seemed connected to something physical- something that could be explained and fixed within the body.

Alt made up his mind, grabbing the first coat he can and stumbling to yank it on. He then takes a step forward and glitches, picturing the Doom Clinic.

He nearly runs into the glass doors, slightly bonking his head. Then they slide open as Alt grumbles and rubs the sore spot out. He looks around and… doesn’t recognize the place. Did the Dooms redecorate?

He shakes his head and tries to focus- but it feels almost impossible with how his vision is swimming. He stumbles to what looks like the front desk. A blonde woman blinks in surprise and looks up at him.

Alt can barely stand as he puts his hands on the desk to steady himself.

“I… I need… O-Oliver- Oliver Doom, please!” He slurs, intense eyes boring into the woman’s. “Or well- any of them I guess- but I… I like… O-Ollie-“

The woman looks at him with confusion- jumping slightly as Alt jerks his arm, holding it down against his side as he can feel it trying to glitch.

“Um sir…? I-If you’re looking for a specific doctor I… I’m afraid there’s no one here named… Doom, was it?” She replies slowly, carefully watching Alt with a guarded expression.

Alt’s eyes widen. “What…?” He looks around in more panic and curses under his breath. This isn’t the Doom Clinic! The fuck…? He doesn’t normally glitch to places he’s never been before! He doesn’t recognize this place at all. Whatever is happening… it’s affecting his magic.

“S-Sorry,” Alt stammers, tongue feeling thick in his mouth. “Wrong… wrong place-“

“Sir, you look like you need to sit down! I can get someone to look at you and maybe get you some juice if you would just take a seat and-“

“No!” Alt interrupts, gripping his arm tighter as he feels it spasm and feels pixels trying to break off. He can’t glitch here! They’ll throw him into a psych ward or something!

“I’m fine… t-thank you-“ He grits out, trying to stumble back towards the door.

Then the walls and everything around him felt like they are blending into static. Purple seemed to invade the sides of his vision. The sounds around him turned into nothing but white noise. He didn’t even feel when he hit the ground.

———

When Alt next opens his eyes, all he can see is a bright light shining in his face. He grimaces and tries to lift a hand to shield himself but- he can’t move his hand. Alertness hits him like a truck as he pulls on his wrists some more- finding them strapped down to the table.

“T-The fuck?!” He growls, rocking himself to try to get free but he’s- he’s stuck! “What’s going on?!”

There’s sensors stuck to him- under his shirt and attached all over his arms and now he can even feel them on his temples too.

Alt tries to glitch but he shouts out in pain as the action seems to hurt him. Why? Why can’t he glitch??

Panic threatens to eat him alive.

Then, he hears a chuckle- and the table he’s on starts to move. It tilts upwards, until Alt finds himself upright, staring at the expanse of a large white room, medical equipment everywhere. Tall machines and computers he doesn’t recognize.

And he’s met face to face with an older gentleman who smiles at him, but Alt can’t even see his eyes behind his thick glasses.

“Ah! You are awake! Funny, I thought you’d be out for longer~!”

The man had dark black hair with a streak of white right in the middle, the wild locks pulled into a messy braid. He had bright green glasses that could also be googles? But they seemed way too thick to see out of properly. He had a scraggly beard and a white lab coat on… with a logo of an eye with 3 irises but the whites of the eye were colored black. It read SCLERA under the logo.

Alt bares his teeth at the stranger and thrashes a bit in his binds. “The fuck are you?! Where the fuck am I?!”

The man chuckles and adjusts his glasses, smirking at Alt. “Ooh, so touchy already! This will be fun~!”

He goes to grab a clipboard and starts to read it as he paces in front of Alt.

“Well- you were admitted into my care, Mr… Brennan? After you fell unconscious in the lobby of Hope Water Hospital. And the staff there saw some… unusual activity.” He looks back at Alt and the boy shivers, causing his arms to vaguely ripple with glitches, pixels vibrating in the air.

The doctor’s eyes light up as he surges forward, looking at his arm closer. “Yes! Like that! Oh fascinating… absolutely remarkable…!”

Alt felt his blood go cold- he glitched when he fell unconscious? Oh no- oh nononono-!

The man writes down a few more notes before straightening and addressing the glitch again. “But anyways! The Hope Water staff didn’t know how to handle that so they called in the specialists! And that would be me~!”

He lifts up his glasses to rest on his head as he smiles, his brown eyes almost looking gentle. But Alt shivers at the sight. Why does… this man feel familiar to him…?

“Dr. Israh Cornelius is what they call me! I’m a magic analyst here at SCLERA!” The doctor spoke with pride.

“Sclera…?” Alt muttered in confusion. “The hell is that? I-Is it even legal to tie up unconscious patients without their consent?!”

Dr. Cornelius laughed, actually throwing his head back. “Perhaps, if we were dealing with a normal civilian!”

His expression then drops as he looks knowingly at Alt.

“…but you’re not that, are you? Impulse~”

Alt’s breath leaves his lungs as he stares wide eyed at the doctor. “W..what…? H-how-?”

The doctor laughs and goes to pick up something off his office chair, turning to reveal a jacket. He twists his hand to show the back- the signature emblem of the villain Impulse clear for all to see.

“You were wearing this when you were admitted, Mr. Brennan. Not a very smart thing for a villain to wear as a civilian, is it?”

Alt swallowed a lump in his throat. This wasn’t good… but at least whatever ID they found of his was one of his fake ones. Still… This was bad.

“E-Even if I’m a villain you- you can’t just strap me to a table l-like a lab rat!” He argues, trying to struggle some more against the restraints.

Dr. Cornelius just shakes his head as he laughs. “You are a dangerous criminal with unknown powers, Mr. Impulse! This was merely a precaution.”

He strides forward and then grabs the straps to make them tighter. Alt bites back a squeak of pain that wants to slip out of his lips. The doctor whispers to him with hardly contained glee.

“However… a villain like you… will not be missed, will they?” He laughs more, his dark eyes now showing madness. “You could say we are doing the public a service! Keeping you here~!”

“Y-You can’t do that..!”

“Oh but we can, Mr. Brennan… you have no paper trail. No formal records- no sign of any family… you are just perfect! A perfect specimen to study~!”

Alt feels terrified tears in his eyes that he tries to keep hidden, but his shaking voice gives him away. “M-My friends…!”

But then he stops himself, feeling his breath caught in his throat again. He… doesn’t have his friends anymore. No one knows he’s here… not even Magnificent. …he’s really alone.

Now the tears fall as he breathes out. “I… I came here for h-help…! Something was wrong and y-you can’t just-!”

“Oh yes! That!” Dr. Cornelius sang as he turned heel to look at, then wheel over one of the monitors currently hooked up to Alt.

The monitor almost looked like it was showing Alt’s heart rate. But it wasn’t- it was showing something Alt didn’t recognize. Two lines of data were shown on the screen, one line white, the other purple. The purple line was steady, with plips of higher readings here and there. In fact- they seemed to correlate to when Alt felt his skin try to glitch or pixelate. The white line was also steady but with very low readings.

Dr. Cornelius studied the screen some more before addressing Alt. “When you were admitted, we ran some tests. This is an alignment reader- it reads the concentration of magic in your body, and whether or not it is dark or light.”

He points to the purple line, “The concentration of black magic in your body was abnormally high.”

“…okay?”

The doctor smirks, “Black Magic is illegal here in the UK, Mr. Brennan. Well actually, it’s illegal in most countries. Especially at such extreme levels. Honestly- surprised with these levels a magic circle officiant didn’t find you first… lucky us, I guess!” He laughs and then shakes his head.

“In fact- this kind of magic… I’ve really only seen such pure black magic from one source. I’m assuming it’s magic you got from the one you work for, correct?”

Alt shivered- feeling his new scars almost burn against his skin. He bites his tongue though and bares his teeth. “I don’t gotta tell you shit!”

The doctor laughs again, “Oh, I don’t need you too. It can only be him, the one who’s calling himself Magnificent, yes?”

Alt said nothing at first and then mumbled. “…you know too much about all of this, Dr. Creepy.”

Dr. Cornelius shrugs. “All apart of my job, Mr. Brennan!”

He goes back to pick up his notes and look at a collection of more papers on the wall. As Alt focused on it, his blood turned to ice. There was… pictures of him on there- as Impulse. And not only that… he saw Chase on there too- Bro Fantastic. There were dozens of pictures of what Alt could only assume was people this crazy doctor was aiming to study. Super powered people… things he didn’t understand but was determined to. He swore he saw the blurry image of a green gray cat mask among the pictures.

“Anyways, Mr. Brennan! That black magic was attacking your internal magic system- the source of power that runs the magic through your body. Black magic is known to do that. It will ‘eat’ any possible light magic it can find until it corrupts all the magic completely orrrr sucks the life clean out of ya!” Dr. Cornelius said a little too cheerily.

“W-What?!” Alt exclaimed. Magnificent never warned him about that!

Dr. Cornelius chucked, “Don’t fret, lad. We siphoned that out of ya real quick! So, see? We already helped you, just like you wanted!”

Alt shakily bit his lip before asking quietly, “So then… I-I can go home… right?”

The doctor’s smile turned impossibly cruel.

“I’m afraid not, Alt. We have much we need to learn from you~!”

Something clicked from the table below him and then suddenly that something is jabbing him in the neck. The room almost instantly starts to dip and sway as Alt feels his eyes roll up into his head and his body gives out, falling unconscious again.

———

Alt opens his eyes to find that now he’s somewhere new. He’s behind glass in a tiny white room. He’s not tied down-

Adrenaline courses through him- maybe he can glitch out now! He tries to glitch- and it feels like his insides are on fire. It’s like whatever energy he was preparing to use to glitch had erupted two-fold, making his entire body feel overloaded. He yells out and crashes down to the ground. There’s a tug on his foot and he can see now, he’s strapped to the wall by some sort of cord, a cuff around his ankle. What’s even worse is he’s barefoot- and in a completely new set of clothes, a dingy set of green scrubs, almost like hospital wear. Alt starts to panic again, realizing his throat and his scar are exposed. He touches light fingers to his scar as he pushes himself up. He feels a shiver go down his spine as he hears familiar laughter.

Dr. Cornelius is smirking at him through the window.

“Nice try there, Alt! But I can’t have ya glitching before we do some proper tests on ya~!”

Alt bares his teeth like a feral animal, pixels flying around him but not able to settle in one place. “How are you stopping me from glitching?!”

The doctor smirks and lifts up a tiny device in his hand. “Electromagnetic pulses. Normally these have no effect on humans… However, we’ve already established you’re very special, Alt.”

The boy just glares at the doctor, wanting nothing more than to strangle that smug look off his face. However, Dr. Cornelius just uses the silence as an excuse to keep talking, pacing back and forth in front of the window to Alt’s cell.

“Did you know it’s a common misconception that the human body produces electricity like that of a machine? It mimics and works as a circuit would, but our bodies don’t carry charges of electrons between synapses. No no- inside our cells there’s a chemical gradient of ions that create a difference in charge between the inside and outside of the cell membrane! That mimicry of electricity as ions pass between each cell membrane is what keeps, say, your heart pumping. However there is research that a human body can produce almost 100 watts of electricity at rest… however you, Alt, seem capable of so much more~!

It seems your body has been adapted to not only conduct electricity better, but also produce it better than normal human beings. In fact, it’s like you actually have that fabled current running through your veins… a constant flow of electric magic that fuels your glitching!

So an EMP blast seems to disrupt that electric flow within you… overloading it enough to stop you from glitching. For now at least!” The doctor laughs, grinning like an excited school kid, “There’s so many tests for us to run! You’re going to provide us with such good data, Mr. Brennan~!”

Alt yells in anger at this, trying to rush at the window. The doctor hardly looks phased as he presses a button on his remote- and something shoots out of the wall behind Alt. Two robotic arms with ends just like the cuff on Alt’s ankle lash out and clamp onto his wrists, yanking the glitch off his feet and slamming him into the back wall. Alt struggles as best as he can but the arms have him locked against the wall tight.

Dr. Cornelius lets out a delighted laugh, “Already so eager to start! That’s what I like to see in a subject!”

“N-No, you psycho! Let me go!” Alt tries to protest.

The doctor looks back to one of his colleagues that Alt can barely see. He nods to them, “Start the procedure.”

The other doctor nods then flares out hands in front of… an orb? Their hands glow white and soon the cuffs on Alt do too. As they glow, Alt starts to feel like his energy is waning. Pretty soon, he slumping in his binds, his fighting getting lazy and then altogether stopping. He has to fight to keep his head up and his eyes open. He vaguely notices the glow on his cuffs seems to be turning green blue- the color of his magic.

Dr. Cornelius checks a monitor next to the window and then gestures to the other doctor. “That’s enough.”

The glowing stops as they take their hands away from the orb. Alt’s head falls sharply but he quickly tries to pick it back up so he can glare at Cornelius. “Wha… d’you… do?” The glitch slurs, hating the feeling of his body feeling almost empty… and cold.

Israh adjusts his glasses and smiles. “A simple draining spell! One we probably won’t be using often since we want to study your magic as it works within you but~! There’s one thing we need to see first before proceeding with those tests!”

He lifts the remote again and presses another button.

Alt immediately starts to scream, his body locking up as waves of electricity crash back into his body. His muscles attempt to spasm despite having nowhere to go, his neck craning back like he can escape the onslaught. It feels wrong! Usually if he comes across rogue electricity he can absorb it into his own… but with none in his body- the electricity has nothing to merge to. So it courses painfully into his body, attempting to mesh with his magic but not being able to. It’s agony. He feels his skin sparking and burning- tears trying to be shed but steaming upon impact with the bright sparks.

It feels like an eternity before it gets shut off. The cuffs on his wrists release and Alt falls heavily to the floor, still twitching and spasming from the leftover electricity. It feels impossible to think, everything he feels is pain. The energy in his body has been replaced with hot sparking rods that are quickly cooling down, leaving him completely spent. Alt wheezes brokenly, eyes wide and not able to focus, tears falling down his cheeks as he struggles to regain control over his limbs.

“Well?” The doctor's smarmy voice coos, “Alt, why don’t you try to use your magic for us, hm?”

“C…c-can’t…” Alt croaks, hardly able to grip his shaking hand into a fist.

Dr. Cornelius frowns at this, tapping his pen against his face. But then he smiles and scribbles down some notes. “I see! Pure electricity doesn’t have the same properties as the electric magic you produce, so you can’t purely substitute that!”

“Tell me, Alt, have you ever used a source of electricity to fuel your magic when it was low?”

Alt attempts to move his head to glare at the doctor. Dr. Cornelius frowns, and lifts up the remote, one eyebrow rising high over his glasses. “Or, should we give you some magic back and see for ourselves?”

The glitch winces and curses quietly before muttering, “…y-yes… but only o-once… I- I didn’t think it would work but… i-it gave me enough e-energy to glitch home…”

The doctor nods and writes down some more, “Fascinating! It seems if you have some magic left in your system that magic can then translate pure electricity to match its own!”

He then looks over his notes to smile at Alt as the glitch’s vision dims and sways. “Well! Let’s pause for a bit, hm? Feel free to rest your eyes, Mr. Brennan~!”

————

Alt lays there on the floor for a bit, trying to get his brain to work. He needs to think of a way out of here! Because help wasn’t coming… there had to be some way… something these scientists hadn’t thought of.

He glances up to see Dr. Cornelius isn’t observing him. Guess he decided to take a break too. Maybe Alt can attempt to do something…

He listens to the room around him… and catches onto the buzzing of the lights above.

Alt still didn’t really get how his powers worked, he really only understood his glitching. But… if what the doctor was saying was true and he has electric magic… and his body could basically disappear for an instant when he glitched… could he glitch into something that had an electric current?

…if there was any time to try this it was now. He can’t let these lunatics turn him into a fucking lab rat. He grips his hands into fists, feeling his magic zap around him. Guess they gave some of it back… their mistake.

In a flash, Alt glitched out of his cuff and in a shock of blue-green electricity rocketed into one of the lights in the cell. The burst of energy was enough to shatter the light, making the other lights and the machines below flicker from the electricity lingering in the room.

God! This felt so weird- but… not too different from glitching. He was just- glitching for longer. Which means he couldn’t keep this up for long- not with how spent he was already. He needed to find a path out of here, and fast.

He let his magic feel out a path on the wires and started to follow it, making machines and lights glitch and flicker and burst. An alarm started to blare but Alt only pushed himself faster, faster, faster-!

Suddenly, everything went dark and it felt like Alt hit a wall. No no! They turned off the power! With nowhere else to go Alt was shot out of another light and onto the cold tile floor of what looked like a hallway.

He coughed and curled up, his body feeling like the wires he fired. His skin sparked, pixels sizzling off him in a confusing array.

Quiet clapping echoed down the hall before that awful laugh filled Alt’s ears again.

“Very impressive, Alt! You damn near almost reached the exit!” Dr. Cornelius praised. He then bends down by the trembling boy as Alt tries to scoot away, fear clear in his eyes.

Dr. Cornelius’s smile doesn’t waver as he lashes out and pulls Alt in close by his shirt. But his voice drops to a dangerous whisper as he leans in closer. “You’re not getting away from me that easily, glitch.”

Then, Alt felt another painful round of shocks set his body ablaze- until his vision dimmed once again to black.

————-

He was back in that tiny room. Was it still the same night he got captured…? It was hard to tell with how much he was dipping in and out of consciousness…

He groaned and sat up, rubbing at his head. The hairs on his arms and the back of his neck stood on end, the air still feeling electric. Alt felt a shock of panic run up his spine as he felt something cold and smooth around his neck. Was this… a fucking shock collar?!

Alt’s body sparked with anger and as he saw that all too familiar silhouette in the window, he rushed at the glass, anger controlling his body. The doctor hardly flinches as he clicks something on that damned remote, sending Alt crashing to the floor, crying out and clawing at the collar as it shocks him.

Dr. Cornelius tsks in a disappointed manner. “What a temper… really, Alt? We shouldn’t be playing these games.”

Alt gritted his teeth ferally to snap at the doctor, “Y-You shouldn’t be collaring people like they’re animals, you sick fuck!”

“Maybe I wouldn’t have to if you didn’t behave like one.” Dr. Cornelius countered. Alt growled, eyes glowing with slight power. The doctor shook his head and then started to flip through his notes.

“Well, since you’re awake again, we can move onto the next test!”

“W-wait…!”

The doctor pauses and tilts his head at the glitch.

“I… I have a q-question,” Alt wheezes out. Dr. Cornelius raises his head, not used to hearing the glitch be anything but hostile towards him. Alt glares but continues. “You… you said before… that the… the magic circle should have found me… why… why didn’t you take me… to them?”

Alt heard vaguely of the magic circle from Mag. He said they were a bunch of foolish covens trying to govern their fellow magicians. Trying to put a cap on magic potential and capture any one who misuses magic. Alt thought they sounded almost like magical police... But he could hear the disdain plain in his mentor’s voice when talking about the circle.

That same disdain seemed to be present in the doctor as he pursed his lips and rolled his eyes.

“Pah! The magic circle…” He put down his notes as he paced slightly in front of Alt’s window again. Seemed to be a habit of his.

“They might be the magic authority here but their methods are medieval- all based in older traditions and the feel of it all. Barely any rhyme or reason- no desire to study and push limits- merge magic with what can make it even more useful! Make it accessible for everyone! Not just the special ‘elite’. They wouldn’t do a damn thing with you except slap you on the wrist and monitor you. Bloody waste if you asked me. They’d let any villain run around if they are ‘blessed’ like they are.” Dr. Cornelius growled. He stops to look down at Alt with burning eyes.

“They refuse to see magic as something that can harmonize with science! They refuse to see that magic can be bent to our level- that it can be understood at a level we humans know better than any other living thing! They’re blind… blind to the ways we can make magic better! How we can provide anyone… everyone with magic!”

Alt blinks and then laughs darkly. “God… you’re even crazier than Mag! I might be a novice… but even I know that magic s-shouldn’t be tampered with like this…! There’s a reason it’s not given to everyone…”

Dr. Cornelius matches his laugh and shakes his head. “Oh Alt… even without meeting the circle they’ve already corrupted your mind! You are as blind as them… but no matter! I’ll help you see your potential~ the potential of mixing science with magic!”

The doctor giggles and looks at Alt with those hungry eyes of his. “In fact~ this is such a great transition to our next test!”

He grabs his notes again and then gestures to something in Alt’s cell. Alt tiredly pushes himself up to look back- seeing a camera that seems to focus in on him. He shudders.

“That’s a WITNES camera- something SCLERA is developing to go public very soon! It’s a perfect merge of magic and tech… in fact- it’s been helping us to observe you better than ever, Alt!”

The doctor clicks on his remote and the right wall of Alt’s enclosure flashes to life, showing a wall full of text and data.

“Our WITNES camera can detect the fluctuations of magic within you- helping us see when you might glitch or go haywire~! They also have been monitoring your vitals so we don’t have to keep you hooked up to machines- and it can even monitor your emotions!”

“W-What? That’s… that’s insane!” Alt whispers, backing away from the wall with the camera. “You wanna just- give these to the public? That’s a crazy violation of privacy!”

Dr. Cornelius shrugs with a laugh, “Oh nowadays, this kind of stuff is hardly hidden anymore! And we offer the chance for our consumers to feel safe and protected!” He shakes his head, “But, enough of a pitch- our next test is gonna involve you interacting with our WITNES camera, Alt! We want to see how your magic merges with ours! If they’re compatible!”

Alt raises an eyebrow and looks back at the camera. He shivers as he sees the lens shrink and focus on him. That thing gives him a horrible feeling.

“… how’re you gonna do that? You can’t just… hook me up to it-“ Alt mutters.

The doctor chuckles, “Oh Alt, you misunderstand! We know now that you can glitch into tech- so that’s what you’re gonna do! See if you can glitch into the camera!”

The glitch shudders again and is about to bite out a retort when he stops and looks back. …this could be another chance to escape. If he can get past this thing he can try to follow the power source out again. But… they also must realize that’s what he’ll try to do. Is this a trap…? But… What can a camera do to him anyways?

Dr. Cornelius smirks. “I know what you’re thinking, Alt. And, I’ll make a deal with you!” Alt’s head snaps back to look at the doctor, his eyes wide. “If you can overpower our camera and get past it back into the power grid, well… that would be such an impressive sight I would consider letting you go~!”

Alt’s eyes widen more. He… seems overly confident in the camera. But, Alt was determined to get out of here. He could take a stupid camera! His eyes glowed bright as he glared at the doctor. “Alright… fine.”

Dr. Cornelius grins and the cuff on Alt’s leg snaps off, as well as the shock collar. Alt watches as the doctor shuts off the wall and other electronics, leaving only the camera powered on, it’s green light blinking at Alt. Alt gritted his teeth and then in a zip of green blue magic he glitched into its systems.

….

Something is wrong.

Diving into the camera feels nothing like going through the lights- it's harsher, feels like a strong pressure is pushing down on him at all angles. Like sharp needles sinking into his being. Alt tries to push through, tries to find a weakness, a kink in the system. But, the more he pushes the more this strange energy seems to push back.

Then, it overpowers him, swallowing him whole.

Alt crashes out of the camera and back onto the ground, shaking and spasming like crazy. Purple electricity crackles around his limbs as he shakily pushes himself up. As he looks out towards the doctor, his eyes are quickly filling with pulsing purple magic.

Dr. Cornelius grins manically, “Oh darn! I forgot to mention~ all SCLERA tech is powered by our patented Black magic core~! Something we perfected thanks to that lovely boss of yours!”

Alt whimpers, heaving in panic, even as anger flares wildly in his body. That fucking bitch tricked him! This feels wrong- it feels way worse than whatever came over him the night he was captured. It’s more invasive, the corruption digging into every weakness in his body and driving itself in. He bends over against the ground with a cry of pain as waves of magic crash against him, trying to overwhelm him. Trying to take over his magic, his mind-! He yells out and half crashes against the floor entirely, digging his head and nails into it, trying to fight whatever this is off.

All of sudden, he goes still, frozen like a statue as the purple magic completely fills his eyes. The monitor Dr. Cornelius is observing suddenly blares with alarms, the screen flashing. Alt’s black magic reading has reached dangerous, uncontrollable levels! Dr. Cornelius gasps and drops his clipboard, watching the testing room with wide eyes.

The tile beneath Alt suddenly cracks and splits, purple magic rippling across the floor. The debris floats up around him, suspended in glowing purple hues. Alt rises up like someone trapped in a dream, his head lulling limply on his shoulders. The magic crackles around him in a powerful display, bolts of electricity blasting tiles off the wall, destroying screens and equipment. Quietly, Alt starts to giggle and then fully bursts into crazed laughter, his veins darkening and glowing with purple power. As he laughs, he seems to bring up one of his hands to look at, gazing at it as if it was new. He stretches his fingers and then grins, laughing louder as the magic continues to zap and sizzle and destroy the room around him.

The sound of a squeaked shoe has the possessed glitch’s head snapping towards the noise. His eyes lock onto the terrified face of Dr. Cornelius, trying to back away from the window. Alt grins and in a flash is in front of the glass, pressing his hand against it. He tilts his head inhumanly at the doctor, his soulless eyes leaking magic like electric tears.

“Is this what you wanted, ̶̳̀D̷̯̏o̷̮̊ć̶͜t̶̗̕ỏ̶̯r̴̖͒?̵̟͝”̸̨̂ ̸̦̐ He giggles, gripping nails into the glass as electric bands of magic shoot out and crack against it, shattering it completely.

There’s a chorus of screams as the other SCLERA workers try to flee. Dr. Cornelius yells out as the glass explodes on him, cutting and slicing into his skin. He quickly looks around, then hightails it to his desk in the back corner, slipping on the glass as he runs. He quickly rummages through drawers, throwing contents and notes everywhere, muttering desperately, “C’mon! C’mon! I… I have to have that stupid thing somewhere!!”

Alt rises off the ground as the magic surrounds him. His body glitches and contorts as he giggles and slowly approaches the doctor.

“Oh D̴̙̀ṙ̸̠.̷̬͒ ̸̬̐C̶͚̈́ó̷̢r̵͇̈́ṋ̶͝ę̵͘l̷͈̋i̵̬̽u̷̖͛s̶͎͗~̵̺̓!̷̜̿ Where are you going? Didn’t you want to have some f̶͙̲̯͎͇̙̥̂̈́͋̿̂ȗ̷̗̊̽͑ͅṋ̴̄̉?̴̢̟̙͙͚̱̩̈́̀͑̈́͊͝?” Alt laughs, his voice sounding darker and racked with static. He barely sounds like himself.

Dr. Cornelius is sweating bullets as he looks through the drawer of objects they obtained from the magic circle. He then cries out in elation as he finds what he’s looking for, holding it out towards the approaching glitch.

It’s an amulet of some sort, a chunk of amethyst in the center. Alt seems to freeze, his eyes widening.

Cornelius grits his teeth. He hates having to resort to the methods the circle uses but… desperate times. Once they had Alt contained, they can figure out a better way to control this… a better, more scientific way.

He sighs and then starts to mutter a spell, one they haven't had to use since starting the WITNES project. Luckily, he still remembered the words.

“Creature of black magic, your minds, your purposes, your plans, do we cause you to bend! With my mind do I seize your minds, With my power, do I seize your power. Do ye with your thoughts follow my thought. I place your hearts in my control: Come ye, directing your way after my course!”

Alt lets out a choked exhale of breath, his body locking up against his will. The magic starts to recede and die down, but still crackles around his body and keeps him airborne.

Dr. Cornelius shoves the amulet forward and barks out, “Now, Cease!”

Alt crashes to his knees as the magic dissipates and drops him. His head falls forward, his pure purple eyes wide and blank. He looks like a broken doll as Dr. Cornelius cautiously makes his way over.

He kneels down by the boy and tilts up his chin, studying his eyes and the way the magic flickers within.

“Fascinating…” The doctor breathes, slowly regaining his smile. “Alt, can you hear me?”

“Yes…” The glitch answers breathlessly, his voice still having a slight echo.

“Are you going to listen to me now?”

“...we are subjected to your will, Sorcerer…” Alt replies, his eye twitching slightly but the rest of him remains slack.

Dr. Cornelius chuckles, shaking his head. “Excellent. Now… subject, did you find this host worthy? Were your energies able to converge well?”

The magic in Alt’s eyes crackles and glows brighter as he suddenly grins, giggling quietly. “This vessel was very easy to corrupt! The darkness smells strong on it… but it also swims in its blood. Its magic meshes well with ours- control of it was so easy~!” He giggles slightly louder, madness leaking into his words. But, his voice echoes and cracks, sounding completely different, like something else is speaking for him. “Its magic is so different from ours yet has so much potential! We can cause so much destruction with it! Corrupt many souls, raze cities and scorch the earth~!! Ha h̶̥̄a̸̹͑h̴̡̒a̵̗̽h̸̯̍a̵̩͗!̷̯̓!̸̡͌”

“Enough.” Dr. Cornelius snaps. The subject’s giggles cut off immediately as it looks out at the doctor with blank eyes again. “Your power only exists here thanks to us, you will follow our will and let us direct your purpose, understand?”

“...yes…” The subject breathes weakly. He shudders, a wave of nausea rolling over him, skin feeling too warm, sweat starting to drip down his forehead. His hands shake and he sways in the doctor’s grip.

Dr. Cornelius adjusts his glasses then commands Alt quietly. “Sleep, subject. Let’s see what use we can find for you…”

And Alt crumbles to the floor, once again falling back into darkness.

----------

Alt struggled to open up his eyes, bright light searing his vision. Then, he realized he recognized that light. It was the same one he woke up under when he was first brought here.

He tries to move his wrists, and finds he’s once again strapped down to a table. He holds back a whimper, his body feels incredibly weak and spent. The ordeal he went through with the camera had been plaguing his sleeping mind- the feeling of being controlled by that freaky magic… he didn’t want that to happen ever again!

He heard voices talking and quickly shuts his eyes, pretending to still be passed out.

He hears Dr. Cornelius, talking to another doctor.

“It took a lot of work but I think I found the perfect solution for VARIBL 11220! Letting the black magic of our machines corrupt his own is key… the display he showed was phenomenal! It could rival what we saw of VARIBL 1317! …but we need a way to control it. This device should infuse his magic with some of ours, and link his body to follow the orders of whoever powers the chip! We just need to make sure the magic has some sort of traceable signal so the artificial magic we’re working on should work! A much more elegant solution than using that amulet and spell... This can put him under our control in mere seconds~!”

Alt’s heart threatened to stop, his blood running cold. Are they planning on turning him into some sort of weapon? A puppet for them to use??

His eyes snap open and he immediately tries to thrash against his restraints, his eyes wild with panic. Dr. Cornelius was over his arm, looking like he was about to cut it open with a scalpel. He jumps back then tsks, looking annoyed.

“Fuck…! He just needed to stay asleep a bit longer!”

Alt bares his teeth ferally, pixels buzzing off him and electricity sparking around him in dangerous arcs. “I-I won’t become your puppet, Cornelius…! I refuse to be a-anyone’s puppet!”

Dr. Cornelius snarls and clicks on the remote, shocking Alt with increased intensity. Alt screams and screams, pulling against his bindings even as they seem to melt against his skin. The abuse keeps going until Alt slumps limply to the table, skin smoking and breath coming out in harsh ragged bursts.

“Hold him down,” Cornelius barks to his assistants. There’s seem to be some hesitation but soon two sets of hands are holding down Alt’s left arm. Alt chokes on a sob, shaking his head as he tries to keep from passing out again. “Please…! Please s-stop…!”

The mad doctor giggles as he picks up his scalpel again, going over to Alt’s side. He studies the boy then pets back his hair some, almost like a father would.

“You know Alt… you remind me of a subject I had so very long ago… one of my firsts actually!”

Alt screams as the scalpel cuts into his skin. The hands keep him from bucking against the restraints.

“She had the same kind of fire in her that you have… similar hair color and skin tone too. Then again- a very common combination!” He chuckles and digs in deeper. “She had similar powers to you too! Think her name was… Annie or something like that.”

Alt’s eyes flew open and widened. No- no he… he couldn’t have… could he…?

The thought is quickly thrusted from his mind as Dr. Cornelius seems to insert something in his arm. It feels foreign and wrong and Alt screams and screams, fighting with everything he has to get out- get it out!!!

It seems to latch onto something he can’t quite explain- but it’s agony and it hurts- it hurts, it hurts, it hurts!! Alt feels like something is grabbing hold of his magic within the pain. He sobs and arches his back to try to get away from the feeling. More hands push him down and keep him still.

He feels the doctor stitching up his skin as he cries, pleading with the doctor to stop, please stop!

Then, Alt seems to hear something new. It sounds like… magic. Searing magic blasting away at walls, screams of terror and… growls. Familiar growls- they sound like the panthers.

Alt feels delirious relieved tears flow from his eyes as he starts to laugh. The doctors seem to pause and start to look towards the noise that is only getting louder. Some start to let Alt go and back away, fear clear in their eyes.

The glitch makes sure to find Cornelius’s eyes as he grins, whispering to him. “You… you’re f-fucked…! You’re so fucked…!” He giggles wildly.

Dr. Cornelius’s eyes widen and he curses, trying to finish what he started.

Then the door to the operating room explodes with green and purple fire. Black masses start to tackle doctors left and right, causing chords of agony to echo throughout the room.

Magnificent emerges through the smoke, sweeping out an arm and glowing like an avenging Angel. Or perhaps, more like a devil. He bares his fangs at the doctor still looming over Alt.

“Release my Apprentice, Sclera scum!”

Dr. Cornelius tries not to show his fear as he lifts up his hands and steps away from Alt. “Well hello, Marvin! It’s been such a long time-!”

The doctor gets cut off as green magic surrounds his throat and lifts up upwards, choking him. Magnificent’s eyes are bright with angry fire as he spits out. “You do not get to say that name, Israh Cornelius! You and this fucking facility killed that man a long time ago!”

He grips his hand further, sick satisfaction burning in his stomach as he hears cracks- but then he hears the whimper of the boy behind them. Mag looks back to see his bleeding and burned apprentice and he pauses.

Then he growls and uses his magic to throw Israh hard against the wall. In a wave of magic he appears back over by Alt and sears off his restraints. He picks up the delirious boy and whistles, his panthers all looking up and then bounding over to his side.

Magnificent looks down coldly at Cornelius as he snarls, “Killing you right now is more than you deserve. And this place could be… useful to me. But know this, doctor, if you and this wretched company touch my apprentice again, I’ll make it look like an accident when I raze this place to the fucking ground.”

He then snaps and in a swirl of tv static, him, Alt and the panthers all disappear.

———

The trip to wherever they are now was a confusing mix of colors and voices that Alt hardly remembers. His vision dipped in and out of darkness as he felt himself be moved and looked over. But, this time it felt… different. It felt safe. Eventually he allowed himself to close his eyes and drift.

When he opened his eyes again, he was in a familiar room. One with white walls that had a bright stripe of yellow. Alt smiles faintly, recognizing the sight of Ollie’s office at the Doom clinic. He then hears the faint sound of shuffling and looks out towards the other side of the room.

His eyes widen as he sees Magnificent, sitting in the visitor’s chair. Except, he was in his civilian disguise. Alt had only seen it a few times but…

“M-Mag…?” Alt whispers, his voice raw and hoarse.

Mag seems to startle slightly then relaxes when he sees Alt. “Alt… you’re awake… that’s good.” A tiny head poked itself out from behind Mag’s leg and meowed, and Alt recognized the spotted nose of Lucky in her tinier cat form.

The glitch smiles dazedly at the sight of Lucky but then blinks several times at his mentor, as if he can hardly believe he’s there and not an illusion. “You… you saved… me?” He slurs out.

Magnificent snorts and turns his head, “Of course I did. I just… only wished I had found you sooner.”

“I… kinda thought you’d just… leave me to figure it out on my own.” Alt laughs slightly, “ Figured you’d… lecture me about how we have to look out for ourselves…”

The dark magician purses his lips and grips his hands into tight fists. “…if I hadn’t acted… you’d be a pawn in Sclera’s game. A plaything for them to abuse and use at their leisure.” His eyes darken, “I may be a villain… but I wouldn’t subject anyone to their cruelty. And especially not my apprentice…”

Alt stares at Magnificent, then can’t help but laugh breathily. “I guess… you really do care about me… huh?”

Mag seems to wince. “…it’s a new thing for me… I haven’t cared about anyone for a long time… I thought- I had lost the ability to.”

Alt nods to this, though he’s not quite sure he understands. How can someone lose the ability to care?

Then, all that happened to him crashes down on his mind, especially as he glimpses the bandages on his left arm. “Mag… they- they put s-something in me-!”

Magnificent raises a hand to stop him. “I already disabled it Alt. They can’t hurt you with it.”

“I… I can still feel it though-“

The magician shrugs, “The doctors here said they wanted to remove it but whatever sclera did… they weren’t sure they could do it without damaging your nerves…. They didn’t want you to lose the ability to use your arm.”

Alt swallows shakily and grips at his wrist.

Mag’s eyes glow slightly with determination. “But even if it’s there- I shut it off. I swear to you, Alt, they won’t be able to use it on you.”

Alt seems to relax, slumping against the bed with a relieved sigh. He pushes back his hair, staring up at the comforting yellow stripe.

The room is quiet for a beat before Magnificent speaks up. “…you should focus on resting, Alt. The doctors seem very fond of you, especially that one in the yellow… they’ll keep you safe.”

Alt sighs and nods.

The room falls back into semi-awkward silence. Then, a slightly wet nose is poking against Alt’s hand. He blinks down to see Lucky’s eyes blinking up at him. She seems to have a big bundle in her mouth that she nudges against his hand.

Alt struggles up and goes to grab it- and gasps as he sees it’s… it’s his bandana and his jacket. Dr. Cornelius took them away but-

“Lucky was very excited to have found those during our raid,” Magnificent says, smirking slightly. “She wouldn’t let them go.”

The glitch laughs and pets Lucky’s head. Then he quickly looks back up and grins at Mag. “Hey! You’re using my nicknames for them!”

Mag blinks and then messes with his hair, looking away. “Well… they are easier to tell apart that way… and your names do… seem to fit them well.”

The door to the room slides open, cutting off their conversation. The person coming in seems distracted with the clipboard he’s carrying. Then he looks up and breaks into a wide smile, hurrying over to Alt and giving him a huge hug.

“Alt! Oh thank god! You’re awake!” Oliver cries. Alt feels his face heat up slightly as he stiffens in the hug. He awkwardly pats Oliver’s back and laughs. “Y-Yeah dude- I’m okay!”

Oliver quickly lets go and seems to blush himself, waving his hands. “Ack! Sorry! That was… w-wildly unprofessional! It’s just- when Mr. Macaodha brought you in- you… you were in such horrible shape!”

At the sound of that surname Alt looks back at Mag and raises an eyebrow. The magician shrugs with a smirk.

Oliver lifts up his glasses, seeming to wipe at his eyes. He then smiles brightly at Alt, sighing out, “I’m just so glad you’re okay…”

Alt felt warmth surge through his chest. When he was captured by those bastards… they really made him think that he was all alone- that no one really cared for him, now that he wasn’t around his friends anymore.

But… that wasn’t true, was it? Even a villain like him… had people who cared about him.

Alt hid his face as he felt tears come to his eyes. When he changed the past… what would happen to the people he cares about now?

As Oliver checks over Alt’s vitals and asks him questions about his condition, Magnificent leans back to observe. Lucky loops back around to sit under Mag’s legs and he pets her head lightly.

His eyes lingered to the bandaged up arm on his apprentice. That device Sclera planted… he wasn’t going to let them take Alt.

But, perhaps… the thing could be of use to him down the road. Only as a last resort though. Mag smiled as he studied the boy. He had this cub wrapped tightly around his finger, his loyalty only getting stronger.

Not much longer now… once Alt was stronger, the real fun could begin~.

#swapboys #hufflewriting #dr. israh Cornelius #alt anti #black magic #sclera #medical whump #lab rat #jacksepticeye #swapboys au #swap magnificent #magic corruption #this was super fun cuz it’s setting up a bunch of stuff I’m excited to explore later!! #establishes some world building and magic bullshit that just fun for me to think of #readswapboys

[soubi122]

A Life With and Without You - Part 2

All, this was a little thing that wouldn't leave my brain when I was drafting part 1. This is taking place after Y/N left Tokyo. I hope you enjoy!

Minor Warnings - just fluff, a little crack, teeth rotting sweetness between Mikey, Koko and Y/N. language, Pregnancy, graphic descriptions of ultrasounds, mentions of miscarriage, one time drug use, noncon baby naming, a dash of angst but over all comforting. No smut.

After clearing out your apartment and settling in the new place, you were still struggling with trying to move on without Sanzu. Fragments of that night were playing over and over in your head. You were losing color in your skin, not eating properly and stressing out about taking time off of work. Though Kokonoi and Mikey were taking care of you, you still felt worried about it all - how would you be able to repay them for their kindness? 

***eight weeks later***

You were in your apartment with Mikey and Kokonoi, it was their weekly visit. Being alone all the time was hard, especially when you have nothing but your own thoughts weighing you down. Sitting on the couch between them became normal, it was like each person’s brain was on autopilot and everyone assumed the same positions for each visit. You and Kokonoi were job hunting and Mikey - well he was just being Mikey. “Princess, you need to start taking better care of yourself, you are starting to look like a stray.” Kokonoi exhaled and rubbed your back. “I know, I just can’t seem to keep some of the food down lately. I might just have the flu or something.” You responded with a weak smile. Alarm bells went off in their heads. Mikey immediately pressed his forehead against yours to check your temperature, his actions made you blush and you felt your face heat up. “M-Mikey…what are you-” You were cut off by him shushing you. “I’m checking for a fever. We don’t want you to go through that again.” His words were sincere. They were both traumatized from that night you almost died. To think that if they weren’t there to help you, you really wouldn’t be here today. “We’ll sleep over tonight and keep an eye on you.” Kokonoi said as he leaned his head on your shoulders. “Heh…you guys are treating me like a baby.” You giggled and just accepted your fate tonight. 

They ordered take out and were constantly checking your temperature, making sure you weren’t getting a fever of any sort. Right before you three were getting ready to go to bed, Kokonoi’s phone went off - it was a phone call. Mikey noticed the frown on his face when he saw who the caller was. “Everything ok?” You asked innocently as you walked over to him - but were stopped by Mikey when he wrapped his arms around your waist and picked you up. You squeaked as it caught you by surprise. Kokonoi answered the call as he was stepping into the bathroom, “Yes?” His tone was as usual, he didn’t want you to know who was on the end of the call. “Where’s Mikey, I need to discuss-” Sanzu began but stopped when he heard a loud scream and giggle from the end of the line. “Mikey stop! I’m gonna piss myself if you keep making me laugh!” In the bedroom, you were being pinned down by Mikey and he kept poking your ribs and making you laugh non stop to keep you distracted. Unfortunately, he did not count on you screaming when he hit a particular spot on your ribs. “What the hell was that?” Sanzu asked as he was thrown completely off guard by the sudden noise. Especially when it was the sound of a woman. 

Kokonoi coughed and cleared his throat - “Mikey’s busy, what is it you need to discuss?” He knew Sanzu was going to call bullshit on his explanation but decided to go with it anyway. “Who are you with?” Sanzu’s next question was more of an interrogative question, the voice of the woman sounded…familiar? “He’s with my escort, she needed to be entertained while I took your call…now if you’ll excuse us - we have a pussy that needs to be fucked.” Kokonoi ended the call and pinched the bridge of his nose, he felt so out of character by saying that out loud. But if it was for your sake then he’d gladly sound like a sleaze ball. When he stepped out of the bathroom and made his way to your bedroom, he was not prepared for the scene in front of him. You were on the bed, underneath Mikey and kicking your feet - he was sitting on top of you. “What the hell is going on?” Kokonoi asked as he stood by the doorway. Both you and Mikey froze and looked over at the confused look on Koko’s face, what followed was you bucking your hips, rolling Mikey off of you and running to the bathroom screaming, “I NEED TO PEE!” While in the bathroom, Kokonoi informed Mikey that Sanzu overheard the scream - so they had to get their stories straight when they go back to Tokyo tomorrow morning. “You actually said that?” Mikey snickered as he poked fun at Kokonoi for his response to Sanzu. Even he knew Sanzu wasn’t that stupid to fall for that. 

Finally, you were in bed and sleeping. Both Mikey and Kokonoi settled on the couches and you in your room. Within hours you woke up sweating and feeling nauseous, you rolled over to your side to try and get comfortable but the nausea was overwhelming you. You didn’t want to wake them by your gags and tried your best to hold out but the moment you tasted metal in your mouth - you ran to the bathroom and slammed the door shut. This made both men in the living room bolt up, they were struggling to understand what the hell just happened. “Princess, are you ok?” Kokonoi asked as he tried opening the bathroom door but it was locked. What followed were sounds of you gagging and throwing up. “I’m ok, I think it’s just-” You were responding when another gag cut you off. “Food poisoning…” They exhaled in relief, they were worried that it was something serious. When your nausea subsided, you washed up and brushed your teeth - the taste of metal still lingered on your tongue. 

When you opened the door, you could see a sleepy Manjiro and a fully alert Kokonoi. You felt terrible for waking them up. “I'm sorry for waking you guys up.” You say softly while looking down at your feet. They only shook their heads and guided you back to your room. As you sat at the edge of your bed, you clutched their arms as they began to walk away. “Stay with me…” It was almost a whisper. “...we will.” Mikey responded and began to take the left side of your bed, leaving you in the middle and Kokonoi to the right side. You felt so small between them. The distance was slowly closing between you three throughout the night, they wrapped their arms around you and laid perfectly still to not wake you. When you were in deep sleep, Koko whispered “How could he be so blind?” He didn't expect a response from Mikey as he thought he too was asleep. “Dunno…but I think she's ours now.” This was probably the first night in weeks since you've been able to actually sleep. 

Soft sunlight trickled through the blinds as you rolled over and felt something cold, hard and flat. You jolted up and realized you were on the floor. What the…? You think to yourself as you get up and see Kokonoi almost hanging at the edge of the bed and Mikey practically pushing him off the edge. You must have rolled over him in your sleep due to Mikey pushing you in his sleep. How Koko didn't wake up - who knows? Gently you tried rolling Mikey to the opposite side of the bed, for someone so strong and feared, he looked so innocent and docile in his sleep. You adored them both. Placing a gentle kiss on his forehead you put the covers over him. You walked to the other side and gently nudged Kokonoi back to bed and also placed a gentle on his forehead. 

Taking refuge on the couch, you began reading and continuing your job search. A few hours went by and you heard a thud followed by a groan. You could only guess who was on the floor. When you got up to check, poor Kokonoi was on the floor dazed and confused. “Good morning handsome…” Your soft giggle made him turn around. “Princess? What are you doing up?” He asked as he got up from off the floor. “I too was kicked off my bed.” Koko turns around and sees Mikey pretty much on the edge and cocks his eyebrow. “Tell me you're joking…” He exhales in disbelief. You hum and shake your head. Manjiro was soon met with a pillow over his face as Kokonoi began to smother him. This woke up Mikey and he was so out of it that he forgot where he was. “Good morning Manjiro.” You say softly as he finally comes to. “Angel?” He looked like a toddler, his hair was a mess and his sleepy face was just too adorable. Something about the site in front of you had you feeling…overwhelmed? Tears started to cloud your vision, both Mikey and Kokonoi rushed to you. “Hey, hey princess? What’s wrong?” You were met with embraces and worried expressions. The tears wouldn’t stop, you were feeling so emotional for no reason. 

“I-I don’t know, I just felt so happy…” You laugh and cry at the same time. It was alarming to see this from you. “I’m sorry I pushed you off the bed angel, don’t cry.” Mikey’s honeyed tone made you cry even more. “You’re making her cry even more!” Kokonoi said as he pulled you into his chest. “I’m ok. I promise, it was just so…so…cute!” You began laughing and bawling your eyes out. The two men didn’t know what to do or how to comfort you. They thought they did something wrong but it was just you feeling emotional all of a sudden. After a good 7 minutes of you crying, you were finally able to calm down. “What was that all about?” Mikey whispers over to Kokonoi when you go to blow your nose. “I don’t know but this isn’t normal.” He responded while searching on his laptop for any explanation. What popped up were a variety of things that were making his heart sink. The moment you walked back into the living room, he shut his laptop closed immediately and made you freeze. He looked petrified. “Koko…?” What the hell was going on? Were they watching porn or something? 

Kokonoi calmly set his laptop down on the coffee table and walked over to you. The solemn look on his face made you take a step back. “Koko?” Mikey asks as he gets on his feet. What followed was something neither you or Mikey were prepared for. Kokonoi’s hand flew to your chest and he lightly squeezed one of your breasts, earning a yelp from you and a shove from Mikey. “What the fuck are you doing?!” He was ready to deck Kokonoi in the face when Kokonoi threw his hands up. “SHE’S PREGNANT!” It was almost as if you could hear the record scratch and everything got quiet. There was no way you were pregnant, you just had your period…when? “(Y/N), your breasts are swollen and tender, right? You’ve been nauseous, haven’t been eating, and you haven’t gotten your monthly gift. And now this? The sudden moodswing?” He was hitting the nail on the head with each word. “I can’t…I mean I thought my period was late due to the stress and the fever but…” Your words trailed off when you recall not taking your medication properly the last few weeks before your fallout with Sanzu. You were coming home late - that, and he always managed to knock you out after every night between the sheets. Not to mention the anxiety that bubbled up from your confession made everything else go out the window. Your panicked expression was enough for Kokonoi to confirm that he was right. “You need to take a test or see a doctor-” Kokonoi began but was cut off by Mikey. “What monthly gift?” He was really one of Japan’s most feared and brutal gang leaders and yet his innocence or immature curiosity was still intact. 

(side note, can you imagine this face when Mikey asked about the monthly gift?? 😂)

(Anyways back to our regularly scheduled program...)

You were scared, how the hell were you supposed to take care of yourself and a child? The financial support from Kokonoi was enough to support you and you alone. The sudden realization made you sink down into the floor, you felt like you couldn’t breathe. “Princess, I’ll take you if needed but we need to know for sure.” You couldn’t really wrap your head around the thought of being pregnant, there was no way…right? 

Kokonoi spent the morning looking for clinics that would take walk-ins. He sent Mikey out to the konbini to see if he could get an at home test for the meanwhile. What only should have taken him 15 minutes turned into 45 minutes. When he finally came back to your apartment his knuckles were bruised and he had someone else’s blood on his hands. “Mikey! What happened, are you ok?” You ran up to him and were examining his hands. The hormones were making you extra sensitive and emotional. You began crying again and kept apologizing for making him go out and run into rivals. “Angel, you know this is what we do…why are you act-” Mikey was cut off by Kokonoi nudging him as if telling him to ‘shut up’. Yes, you knew exactly what they did for a living and you knew that they could run into rivals/enemies at any given moment, but the hormones were just not allowing your brain to process that logic. 

Kokonoi took the test out of the package and began reading the instructions with you, he wanted to make sure that it was done correctly - this was some serious shit. “Ok princess, you know what to do - lay it flat down and we’ll start the timer.” When the bathroom door closed, you began to feel nauseous from the amount of anxiety and panic rushing through you. From the other end of the bathroom Kokonoi and Mikey were waiting for your signal to start the timer. “Ok, start the timer…” You say as you wash your hands and open the door. Everything was quiet as you three sat on the floor outside of the bathroom - they were both leaning their heads on your shoulders and holding your hands. It felt like you three were afraid of the test itself, as if it was some sort of contagious thing that you didn’t want to touch or even be near of. You were grateful that they stayed the night, if you had to do this alone, you weren’t sure how you could handle it. “Regardless of the outcome, we’ll still be there for you…” Mikey’s tone was sincere and he squeezed your hand, reassuring you that things will be ok.

Everyone’s head perked up when the timer went off. You three got on your feet and slowly walked into the bathroom, the throbbing in your chest could be heard in the silent apartment. You reached out of the test and examined the results - there they were, two unholy lines that made your legs weak and got you on your knees. “...it’s positive, Koko - it’s positive…” The words were barely a whisper, you were in shock. “I’m getting you an appointment for tomorrow morning to verify the results.” Kokonoi said as he crouched down to place a hand on your shoulder. Not wanting to feel left out, Manjiro did the same and cupped your cheek, making you turn to face him. “Does that make us uncles?” His honeyed tone made you chuckle and sob at the same time. What the hell were you supposed to do now?

The next morning both of them headed back to Tokyo to avoid suspicion from Sanzu. Kokonoi was able to get you an appointment with a general clinic for blood and urine tests to confirm the pregnancy. You were alone and anxious, you felt your heart pounding against your chest as you sat in the waiting room - you wished either Mikey or Kokonoi were with you right now. “Ms. (L/N)?” One of the nurses called out to you and you stood up immediately. She signaled for you to follow her and you did, she was making small talk with you to try and get you a little relaxed. She could see you were nervous. “So what brings you in today Ms. (L/N)?” You fiddled with your hands and mumbled. “I-I need to confirm if…if I’m pregn…nnt” The nurse patted you on the back and gave you a reassuring smile. “No worries, we’ll help you with that today. Please take this and submit the urine sample via the lab that is down the hall. We will draw some blood as well. The doctor will see you first though.” After the doctor was done examining you, the nurse sent you on your way to the bathroom and to the lab for blood work. The staff was kind and welcoming. It was starting to give you some hope that the test was false positive. “Alright Ms. (L/N), you are all set for today - we will call you within the next day or two for the results. For now, please avoid any alcohol, raw foods and stress - just as a precaution. ” You nodded and thanked them. 

You texted Kokonoi when you were on your way home, letting him know about the estimated time frame for the results. His response was immediate:

Alright princess, call us as soon as you get the results. Try not to stress too much, we’ll see you on the weekend ok?

End Message.

The next two days felt like you were stuck in limbo, you were pacing around your apartment and waiting for the dreaded call. As you walked into your room, you passed by the tall mirror and turned to your side, eyeing your stomach - it looked totally normal. Curiosity began to gnaw at you, how would you look with a baby bump? You grabbed a pillow and tried to stuff it underneath your shirt - it looked ridiculous. It just didn’t have the right…roundness? Taking the pillow out from under your shirt, you tried rolling it into shape and putting it under your shirt again. This time it actually looked kind of normal, your eyes began to water at the site. You weren’t ready for this. I mean who really ever is? The sound of your phone going off made you squeak and rip the pillow away from under your shirt. What the hell am I doing? You think to yourself as you dash towards your phone. It was an unknown number and you answered, “Hello?” It was the nurse who attended to you during your visit. “Good afternoon Ms. (L/N), this is [x] clinic with the lab results. The results came in and we have confirmed your pregnancy. I have set up an appointment with an ultrasound technician, they will be able to confirm how far along you are. You will receive an email with the details and follow up appointments. Did you have any questions for us in the meanwhile?” You were too stunned to speak. “Hello? Ms. (L/N)?” Stuttering you responded almost in a whisper. “Um, no - I um, thank you.” With that you ended the call, you sank down to the floor and held your tummy. What am I going to do? You think to yourself as panic begins to set in. This child was going to grow up without a father, would you even be a good mother, would the baby look like…him?

It took a few minutes to compose yourself, you didn’t want to burst out crying and call Kokonoi. You knew if you did, they would both drop everything to come and see you. “Hello?” His voice was sweet with a hint of concern. “Koko...I’m pregnant.” Your soft sniffles could be heard and it made his heart sting. He knew it, the symptoms were there and your sudden mood swing was the final indicator. “...it will be ok, when is your next appointment?” He asked while nudging Mikey who was sitting next him. “I’ll…um, send you the details.” After exchanging a few details, you both ended the call. Both Mikey and Kokonoi were concerned about your health, the amount of stress of an unplanned pregnancy is incredibly high. They were so lost in thought that they forgot about the meeting that was about to take place. As the men trickled in the room, they both just sat there, completely dazed and unaware of their surroundings. “What’s up with you two? You look like someone died…” Sanzu’s voice snapped them out of their daze. “Mikey and I have urgent business to take care of within the next upcoming months - so we’re leaving you in charge in our absence.” Was all Kokonoi said and walked out the room. 

On the day of your ultrasound appointment, Kokonoi accompanied you - Mikey was still in Tokyo, they didn’t want to leave together or else people would catch on. The nurses and ultrasound technician were eying him, he was handsome and so sweet with you. “Ms. (L/N)? We’re going to have to do an internal and external ultrasound. Would you like for your boyfriend to stay in the room?” The sudden title that was thrown at him made him blush. He wished, but right now you were carrying someone else’s baby in your belly. “Koko, can you stay with me? I’m really nervous…” You say and clutch his arm. How could he say no when you looked like you were about to burst into tears? “Of course princess.”

The first part of this was your general ultrasound in the lower abdomen (external) - so it didn’t require you to undress. The technician gelled up your belly and put the scanner on your abdomen. As she was scanning the area - Kokonoi held your hand and gave you a small smile. It was enough to make you relax. “Ok, you see that there? That tiny little dot is your baby. Congratulations - you two are gonna be parents.” Awkward…though he wanted to take the title, he knew it wasn’t gonna happen. He cleared his throat and corrected the technician. “I’m the uncle…” You flinched when he said it, it was kind of funny and sad at the same time. “Oh, I’m sorry - I thought…well nevermind. Congratulations on being an uncle.” The technician was trying to avoid making eye contact with him, that was super awkward. After she wiped the gel off your belly, she asked you to empty your bladder so the second part of the exam can begin. You figured that it would be another abdomen scan just without a full bladder. Boy were you wrong. 

“Ok, Ms. (Y/N) the second part of the exam we’ll be using this and I’m gonna need you to disrobe from the waist down. I promise I’ll be as gentle as possible.” Kokonoi’s eyes widened at the large wand that the technician was holding. You were also in shock and turned around to look at Kokonoi when the technician left the room. “I’m gonna have a camera up my…oh god.” You said laughing nervously at the look on his face. Kokonoi turned to face the other direction as you undressed and he spoke. “Sanzu needs to know you are expecting his child…” It felt like a knife was being plunged into your chest at the mention of his name. You stayed silent and sat on the edge of the examination table, avoiding his question. “(Y/N)-” The knock on the door made you jolt and you stuttered “Y-Yes…I’m ready.” Kokonoi sat next to you and was not within view of the wand. “Ok, you’re going to feel some pressure but try to relax - if anything feels uncomfortable at any point, please let me know.” You nodded and held Kokonoi’s hand. His eyes were glued to the monitor and was asking a few questions, you were too nervous to even speak. Mid exam you squeezed his hand when there was a slight sense of discomfort, your walls contacted and it reflected on the monitor. “You’re doing great, almost done.” Finally, the exam was over. “So um, how far along am I?” You asked. She responded with a guess, but reassured you that your doctor would confirm when they receive the ultrasounds. It looked like you were about 8 weeks (2 months). 

The upcoming days were spent trying to be as careful as possible. But the stress of being pregnant, finances and work were starting to take a toll on you. The doctors warned you about stress, you needed to be extra careful or else you could miscarry. It was enough for you to make up your mind. “Angel, are you sure about this?” Mikey asked you while laying his head on your belly. “Mikey I don’t want to lose the baby - it’s best that Sanzu doesn’t know. I don’t know how he will react and I don’t think my heart can take it. I have to protect this baby no matter what.” You made both Mikey and Kokonoi swear that they would not tell Sanzu about your pregnancy. His reaction might be too unpredictable for you to handle. It was best for you to bury his name and his memory. “The only thing that matters to me right now is my baby and you guys.” You said with tears in your eyes. It was the beginning of a new life for you.

The upcoming months were hell, you were having morning sickness, moodswings, hot flashes and the worst part was certain foods you could not tolerate any more. Even your sense of smell was affected, there were times where Kokonoi’s cologne made you nauseous and he changed it just for you. Mikey found himself wrestling his beloved dorayaki from your pregnancy cravings. “Mikey I just want a bite! Please!” You begged as you reached for his dorayaki, he quickly moved it away from your reach. “No! The doctor said to go easy on sweets or else it can affect the baby.” He said smirking and handed you a ‘healthy’ snack, something that tastes like chalk due to your pregnancy. You grumbled and took a bite out of the cooked asparagus, you looked like a toddler who was scolded for not eating their vegetables. You mockingly said “Mmm mmh mmm…” while taking another bite of the vegetable. To your surprise Mikey mirrored your mocking gesture as he took a bite out of his dorayaki. He was soon met with an asparagus to the back of the head when you flung it at him. “Don’t poke the bear Mikey…” Kokonoi warned him as he read baby books and was looking for nursery items. 

The days you were alone, you would find yourself singing to the baby while doing little things around the house. Sanzu became just a memory that you repressed and kept hidden away. You forgo the sound of his voice, his touch, his scent, his warmth, everything. He didn’t deserve to be given the title of ‘father’ or ‘dad’. Your child was your priority and nothing was going to get in the way of that. 

*the end of the third trimester*

Having children was never really on your agenda, but here you are on a hospital bed with Mikey and Kokonoi at either side of you. Your water broke while you were at home and you called them immediately - you were in no condition to drive. You were changing your pants, when you heard the front door open and footsteps coming closer. The moment Mikey walked through the bedroom door, he could see your face was full of concern - it’s happening, you were going into labor. “Hey Angel, let’s get you- is that pee?” His words were enough to make you chuckle at the expression on his face. He had no clue how these things worked, well neither did you but at least you knew that it wasn’t pee on the floor. Kokonoi was running around looking for your little labor ready duffle bag. Unlike Mikey, Kokonoi actually attended the prenatal classes with you and prepared everything in advance for you. He was like your midwife. “Here, take these downstairs while I help her.” Kokonoi said as he handed Mikey the duffle bag. Suddenly you doubled over and groaned in pain. They both stopped and immediately came to your sides and tried holding you up. “I’m ok, just a contraction…whew….” You said while panting and holding your belly. They both helped you waddle down the stairs and into the car, it was hard for Mikey to keep a straight face as you looked like a penguin. It took a few minutes but you were on your way to the hospital. 

Kokonoi was adamant about keeping everything underwraps so they had no choice but to drive to the farthest hospital where there were no potential Kanjo Manji people or potential rivals hospitalized. “Koko please! I’m begging you, any hospital is-AHH OH GOD!” Your scream made Mikey panic, he didn’t know what to do to help you with the contractions. He held your hand and cupped your cheek. “Just a little longer Angel…” You were trying not to cry and trying to get your breathing under control. “This is nothing like the classes said it would beEEEEEEE-FUCK!” Kokonoi couldn’t help but snicker at the sudden outbursts. If you weren’t in so much pain, you would have reached over and strangled him with the seat belt. 

Finally, you reached the hospital and were wheelchaired in by the nurses. They were prepping you and had a heart monitor around your belly, you were wondering where Mikey and Kokonoi were as it's been over an hour and registration shouldn't have taken this long. Worry was starting to set in, what if the baby was about to pop out and you didn't have them with you? What if something else happens? What if they need to make a life changing decision? All these questions were whirling in your head - it was stressing you out and the nurses took notice. “Miss (Y/N)? Is everything ok?” They asked. “Can you tell this is my first baby?” You responded with a chuckle - you were nervous. The nurses had you walk around a bit to get the muscles moving, you were holding on to one of them by the shoulders as they helped you move around. The contractions were starting to get worse and longer. “Please, can you help me find the men that brought me in? They have my cell phone and I need them here. Please.” You said to the nurse as you were making your way back to your room. They nodded and helped you up on the bed. 

As you laid on the bed, the sounds of the monitors beeping were making you anxious - you were alone in the room. A number of mixed feelings were overwhelming you. The baby was moving around a bit, you began to rub your belly and tried to comfort yourself. “It’s ok sunshine, we’re almost there…whenever you’re ready…” The tears began to roll down your face, you were scared of the life that was ready to pop out of you. What if there were complications? What if you died giving birth? Who would take care of the baby in your place if Mikey and Kokonoi were not here? The heart monitor began to go off, “I’m sorry little one, I’ll try to relax…please be ok…” Soon there was a knock on the door - the head nurse came in with the obstetrician, they were coming in to check on you and also to check how you were dilating. “We’re almost there - how are the contractions and pain?” It was painful, it felt like your whole lower body was about to explode. “I’m in so much pain but most importantly - where are the two men that came with me?” You asked, it’s been over 5 hours and you haven’t seen them. “I’m still looking for them, I’m so sorry Ms. (Y/N).” The nurse said while patting your hand.

The amount of pressure and pain was making it hard to breathe. After a few minutes of discussing what the plan is, in walked Kokonoi and Mikey. They were both sweating and looked a little suspicious. You knew immediately where they were. “I cannot believe you two! You got into a fight?!” The tone in your voice made them flinch, the baby hasn’t even been delivered yet and you already sounded like a mother. “Don’t be mad Angel…” Mikey said while smiling at you. How could you not be? You were worried about them and worried about the baby that was about to pop out any minute. Kokonoi stepped to the side and spoke with the nurse and obstetrician, he wanted to make sure that everything was ok and that you were being taken care of properly. “We’re prepped and ready - she just needs a few more centimeters.” They were soon all interrupted by you screaming and holding your belly - the pain was immense. “Yeah, she’ll do that a few more times if not more.” She said as she reassured Kokonoi that everything was ok. 

When it was time, Mikey and Kokonoi were on each side of your bed - holding your hands as you pushed. “OH GOD! I CAN’T DO THIS!” You screamed out loud and squeezed their hands, Kokonoi was about to pass out from how hard you were squeezing his hand. Mikey didn’t even bat an eyelash. “You’re doing great, you got this!” The staff was encouraging you as you were struggling with the pain. There was a sense of hate and anger that bubbled up within you from the pain. Who did you blame? You ended up saying something that surprised them all. “UGH! I HATE HIM SO MUCH! GOD FUCKING DAMN IT SANZU! I HATE YOU!” You were screaming at the top of your lungs from the pain and pressure as you pushed. Mikey couldn’t help but chuckle a bit, but oh boy that was a big mistake - you turned to look at him. If looks could kill. He immediately stopped smiling and kissed your hand. “I’m sorry angel…” Both the nurses and obstetrician were looking at Mikey. They thought he was Sanzu with how he kissed your hand. It was too late to get an epidural so you had no other choice but to bear it. You began to cry at how much pain you were in, “I can’t…please I can’t do this!” It hurt to see you like this, there was nothing they could do but hold your hand and hope for the best as you delivered a new life into this world. “Yes you can, angel. You’re doing a great job.” Mikey's honeyed tone was doing little to ease your mind. “Princess, look at me…” Kokonoi said and tilted your head in his direction. “You’ve been through hell and back…you can do this.” He was right, your hell was during Sanzu’s incident and the recovery was excruciating. You tried to steady yourself, “Push (Y/N)! You’re almost there!” What followed were your cries and screams as you felt as if your bones were breaking. 

It was a grueling labor - but finally the baby arrived. While the nurses were cleaning up the baby and checking their vitals, Kokonoi and Mikey were catching a break from their hands being almost crushed by your death grip. When they brought you the little bundle, you started tearing up, she was beautiful and so tiny. Both Mikey and Kokonoi couldn’t help but melt at the sight. “Her hair is dyed from the blood right?” Mikey asked when he realized that the baby’s hair was a light pink…Sanzu’s hair color. You could only laugh and cry at the same time. You didn’t care, she was beautiful and you were glad she was ok. The nurses asked if you wanted a photo, you said yes. They took two, one of you by yourself and the second with both Mikey and Kokonoi. You wanted to remember this, these were the people that cared for you and loved you. “Do you wanna hold her?” You asked Kokonoi, as he was pretty much your midwife - he had first dibs. “How come he gets to hold her first?” Mikey protested, he wanted to hold the baby first. “Because he is my midwife.” You said with a smile on your face, the unofficial title had Mikey pouting. 

Kokonoi was a natural, he held her perfectly fine and the baby didn’t make a peep. “So, did you decide on a name for her?” He said while cooing at the baby in his arms. The frown on your face was enough for them to know that you hadn’t. “Ok ok, my turn! Gimme!” Mikey said while extending his arms out. “Do you even know how to hold a child?” Kokonoi retorted. He didn’t wanna let go of the baby yet. The nurses in the room couldn’t help but find this little moment endearing. Two men fighting over whose turn it was to hold an infant. “If this is the first time holding a child, you’ll need to take a seat and then we’ll hand her over to you.” One of the nurses said and Mikey made his way eagerly to the couch in the room. Kokonoi handed the baby over to Mikey and they looked like two proud fathers. When the baby started crying, he didn’t know what to do. The nurses encouraged him to talk to her. “H-Hey little angel, it’s ok…” His honeyed tone was calming the baby. He didn’t spend hours talking to your belly for nothing. “Ow…” You yelped in pain when you shifted on the bed. “Is it normal to still be in so much pain after birth?” You asked the nurses as they began cleaning up. 

Throughout the evening, the pain was becoming more and more unbearable. After examining you, they cleared you of any life threatening issues. However, they ended up giving you some morphine and you were able to finally rest. “Stay with me, please…” You said before you drifted off to sleep. While they both looked after the baby, you stirred in your sleep - talking and groaning. “She looks a lot like him, there is no denying that this baby is his…” Mikey said as he watched the baby sleep in their little bed. Kokonoi was looking over the paperwork that needed to be filled out for registration when you ended up saying, “Haruka…don’t cry…” Within seconds the baby started crying, it was as if you knew she’d start crying right before it happened. Both men in the room were taken back by how eerie the timing was. “I think we have a name…” Kokonoi said and filled out the paperwork while Mikey tried to comfort the baby. Your mumbling continued, repeating the same name - how odd that she was born in the spring as the flowers bloomed. “Koko…take care of Haruka…mhn, Mikey - Haruka can’t eat…dorayaki yet…” They couldn’t help but chuckle at your sleep talking. It was rather endearing and funny. “You named her Haruka, huh?” Kokonoi said as he placed a kiss on your forehead. You awoke shortly after and asked if everything was ok. They were both smiling at you and reassured you that everything was ok. Two days later you were discharged and were allowed to go home. During the final check up and paperwork filing, you asked the nurses regarding the registration of birth. “Oh, that’s been taken care of already. You submitted the paperwork the day after the baby was born.” You thought you heard wrong, you were out cold and didn’t sign anything. “I’m sorry, I don’t recall submitting anything - where are the completed forms?” The nurse smiled and said they can provide you a copy of it tomorrow as the registration was already in process. 

When you finally arrived home, you set the baby down in her nursery and took advantage of her sleeping to fix yourself something to eat. Hospital food tasted so bland and you were dying to have something with fat and salt. Pregnancy superstitions were quite the talk in prenatal classes, to avoid certain foods due to this and that, or to be weary of full moons, avoid cemeteries, that frequent heartburn meant the baby was going to be born with a lot of hair. Well one of them actually came true, your little sunshine was born with a mop of rosey hair. The thought made you chuckle a bit at thinking about all the things Kokonoi told you about after the classes, the talks with the fathers, best friends, brothers, etc., it was funny to see how they were dealing with a pregnant woman. The sound of your cell phone going off made you snap back into reality, it was an incoming call from Kokonoi. Answering the call you mumbled a ‘hello’, “Hey princess, we’re headed down to your place now. How’s the baby?” The smile that spread across your lips could almost be imagined by both Manjiro and Kokonoi. “She’s sleeping, are you guys going to stay with me for the next few weeks?” They made arrangements to stay with you for the first three weeks to make sure that you both are ok and ensure that you have all the help you need - being a first time mother was not easy, avoiding stress after a pregnancy was crucial. 

The moment they walked through that door, your little apartment was filled with warmth and love. Throughout the week you were busy getting all your ducks in a row for doctors appointments, check ups, daycare and luckily the job you were at now was extremely flexible with maternity leave. There was one final thing missing that you just couldn’t put your finger on. Something was gnawing at you, something…something…what the hell were you forgetting? It must be important if you were racking your brain for it. What am I missing? I have all the baby stuff, the books, the teething stuff, the burping clothes, bottles, pacifiers, registr- Your thoughts were disrupted as from a distance, you can hear Mikey and Kokonoi coo at the baby as one of them holds her in their arms. “Come on little Haruka, it’s feeding time.” You felt your stomach drop and walked slowly to where the two men were. When you walked into the room both Mikey and Kokonoi turned around to face you, their faces showing confusion when they noticed the tears in your eyes. “Hey princess, what’s wrong?” Kokonoi asked as he got closer and cupped your face. Mikey remained seated with the baby in his arms and could only watch as you came closer. “What did you just call her?” It was almost a whisper, but they could sense the panic and uncertainty in your voice. “Mikey…what did you just call her?” You repeated with a bit more volume and anger on the tip of your tongue. “I told you to wake her up before submitting the paperwork.” Mikey said as he backed away from you with the baby in his arms.

The words that rolled off of Mikey’s tongue hit you square in the chest, you felt your heart pounding and blood boiling. That’s what I was forgetting…her registration papers. You think to yourself as you drop down to your knees and break down in tears. “Tell me you're joking…please Kokonoi, you did not register her under that name…” They shouldn’t have done that without your permission, they shouldn’t have made that decision for you, they had no right. The pang in your chest wouldn’t stop, it was already enough that your daughter had his hair color, it was enough that she was part of him, it was enough that she shared his bloodline - but his name? No, it wasn’t fair. “...But you named her, you don’t remember?” “You kept repeating that name over and over again, I thought…” Kokonoi stopped himself as you began to sob. You thought you were dreaming, you thought nothing of it when you came to but I guess these things happen for a reason. “Angel…?” Mikey asked as came closer. “I can’t escape him…can I?” You whispered as you looked up to face the infant in his arms. The floral blanket she was wrapped in had your heart breaking again - it made sense. The gods were punishing you for running away, for keeping this baby a secret from her father, from failing to realize that you were forever bonded to him. “Do you want to change her name to Manjiro? What about Hajime?” Mikey began but was met with a chuckle from you. They thought you finally lost it when you began to laugh louder and cry at the same time. “I guess this is what I get for being selfish…it’s a beautiful name, though she already reminds me of Haruchiyo. It happened for a reason.” 

Truth be told - it wasn’t the first time you have thought of that name for your child. But you didn’t want to give in or admit that you were thinking about him when it came to mind. Sanzu Haruchiyo was never going to know the face of this child, he was never going to know that there was a mini him out in the world, he was never going to know…until that one day…

END pt 2

#tokyo revengers #tokyorevengers #mikey sano #sano manjiro #kokonoi #kokonoi hajime #kanto manji gang #kanto manji mikey #kanto manji kokonoi #tokyo rev #tokyo revengers fluff #tokyo revengers crack #tokyo revengers angst #A life with and without you #one shot extended #tr fanfic #fanfic #tokyo revengers fan fic #tokyo rev fanfic #sano manjiro fanfic #kokonoi hajime fanfic #fluff

[sigridstumb]

My autism journey: Physical sensations are unreliable narrators

So I've been working with a therapist on my alexithymia. I asked her where the key is for this map. Other people seem to be able to detect when they are having a feeling and can also identify it. I asked, how can they tell that they are having a feeling? She said that frequently there are physical signs in one's body.

Great! What are they, and which symptom correlates to which emotion?

WHERE IS THE KEY FOR THIS MAP.

Apparently there really isn't one. She sent me a link to the Emotion-Sensation Wheel, which is mildly useful. Mostly in my objecting that when I have X physical sensation is has nothing to do with whatever emotion-word she correlated. This is useful in two ways. First, it let me know that I do have some sort of internal definition of some feelings, that I know that "restless" does not mean I am feeling "anger." Second, every time I thought, "no, that's not what that means," I then pondered what it might mean instead.

Here's the thing. Bodily sensations are a SHITTY guide to ANYTHING, because they all indicate more than one thing. Hands-shaking could mean anxiety, or rage, or an essential or intention tremor, or lack of food, or fever and chills, or over-exertion, or a dozen other things. Bodies communicate shit all the time, and most of it is worth ignoring. Yes, Meatsack, I know your shins hurt, they've been hurting for two days, I have stretched and done massage, now shut the fuck up. Yes, Meatsack, I know your digestion is disordered, it has been for years, you don't have a gallbladder anymore, shut up.

I do not listen to my body except under certain specific conditions.

New pain requires that I examine it, assess it, determine a cause (if possible,) and decide what the best mitigation is (if possible.) New pain that either prevents my daily function or does not go away after two weeks indicates that consultation with a medical professional is required. For instance, when I caught my finger in a blender it was a new pain, the cause was evident, it interfered with my daily function, I knew it would not resolve on its own in a manner I desired, so I went to urgent care. Another example, when my (already permanently damaged) foot had very sharp stabbing pain that was new, I waited two weeks to see if it would go away, and when it did not, I got an x-ray.

If I am very irritated with everyone, I eat a food. When I have a headache that will not go away, I eat a food and drink some water. When I cannot focus my eyes properly, I go to sleep. Like I said, I have a rule-set for when bodily signals require action on my part.

The notion that random fluctuations in signals from this mildly-electrified container of moist clinging conglomerate adhered to a living frame might indicate important changes in my mental-relational state offends me. It offends me. I mean, a human body is like a mobile coral reef. Does a coral reef feel grief? Joy? I mean, maybe, I don't know, but my point is, people just correlate shit. What a fucked-up system. Who fucking designed this bullshit?

Anyway, I refuse to participate in this buffoonery. Unless and until someone can show me a reliable correlation between the manifestations of endocrine system fluctuations and specific, SPECIFIC, emotional states, I opt out. None of this tea-leaf-reading "oooooh, your skin is flushed, you must be angry!" bullshit, when flushing is merely a rush of blood to the surface of one's skin and can result from temperature, exertion, a number of medical conditions, not to mention any number of emotions such as shame, arousal, excitement, grief, etc.

It is rank buffoonery.

If any of you have an actual, functional, reliable key to this whole "physical sensations indicate emotions" theory, let me know.

Until then, I opt out.

#actuallyautistic #alexithymia #autistic #actually disabled

[lemonhemlock]

what do you think about lyanna stark?

Short answer is that I roll my eyes like Cersei, as in "not this fucking girl again".

Long answer is that I can't get a proper feel on Lyanna as a character because we are missing vital information about her. I am SO curious about a lot of things that happened surrounding her, but as far as her personality is concerned I'm kind of .... whelmed? Not over-, not under-... she is just there, IDK. On the one hand, I get the Mary Sue vibes that make me want to roll my eyes as above, but, on the other hand, I know I'm being a little mean and her story is more complex than that.

She is the third child out of four. 14/15-year-old Lyanna has received enough training that she is able to scare off the three squires who were bullying Howland Reed and defeat them in a tourney under disguise (seriously? I am internally groaning just typing that out). She is so kind-hearted that she takes him in, knows how to take care of his wounds, is lively and spirited that she can withstand her brothers teasing her no problem, is moved by poetry enough that she cries at Rhaegar's sad song and is so beautiful and impressive that she catches the prince's eye and he becomes fixated on her.

Robert also has a life-long obsession with her, although, realistically-speaking, he must have seen her how many times in his life? She was so young during all of this, half a child herself. There's a creepy element to all of this. Despite her young age, the text makes a point in telling us how perceptive Lyanna was, since she did not consider Robert good husband material because of his philandering ways (she somehow already knows about his bastard daughter in the Vale). In some such way, she is more attuned to this than Ned, who was both older and knew Robert better.

But then there are so many questions that arise. Her problem was Robert's cheating, yet she "falls in love" and "runs away" with Rhaegar, a married man? How much of a willing participant was she in all this story? How much of Rhaegar's plans and knowledge of prophecy did he impart on her? In the TV adaptation, they show them getting married, but even so, that is a bullshit wedding since polygamy is outlawed in Westeros. How could such a ceremony be considered legal in these conditions? How could Jon not be a bastard? What freaking sellout Septon did Rhaegar conjure up in order to perform this? She is a Helen of Troy figure and her story with Rhaegar is often presented as a romance, but at a deeper glance, her relationship with him becomes very shady.

Ned is deeply traumatized by what happened to his sister, naturally, and regardless of her level of complicity, her story is a tragedy. Her father and her brother die horrific deaths trying to get her back, her other brother is in life-threatening danger because of the war her baby daddy / potential rapist started. She dies giving birth to Jon - the details are very blurry, it's hard to say whether she dies because she was too young to give birth or because she had other birth complications that could have occurred at any age or because she didn't receive proper medical care since she was so isolated. Did she even have a maester with her? Midwives? Staff? Ned's fever dreams make it seem like she was just with those three Kingsguard dudes. How did Rhaegar even convince these people, who are supposed to be honourable knights, to help him abscond with Lyanna and then keep her own brother from seeing her ON HER DEATHBED? Lord Commander Gerold Hightower, THE Sword of the Morning Arthur Dayne, whom Jaime idolizes - what happened here? How much of this information did Lyanna even have access to? Did she know what was happening with the war, with her family? I doubt she would have been okay with any of that.

#ask #anon #lyanna stark

[astral-enchantments]

Revolutionary Girl Utena Liveblog, part 2!

'Yup, that's me. I bet you're wondering how I ended up in this situation'

I'm uncertain whether Miki is a nice guy or a nice guy... I kinda hope he's actually cool cause all the guys so far are total douches.

Okay he seems actually nice... for now -_-

Oh boy Nanami's back on her bullshit

Nanami is just so... comically villainous, to the point where its almost funny now. Like this girl straight up put a snail, snake, AND squid in her bag with the intent of embarrassing Anthy and failed miserably every single time.

Also, man Miki really just said 'haha you keep a mongoose in your desk? you're so quirky and cute lol'

Ah, tragic backstory time.

Is... Isn't this basically the plot of Your Lie in April?

OH FUCK YEAH MIKI. DOWN WITH THE PATRIARCHY

Um?

UMMM??? DID TOUGA FUCK MIKI'S SISTER??? AND NOW HE'S FLIRTING WITH MIKI??????

I'm trying to figure out what his play is here. Like, what was the point of Touga doing that?

Ahh, so Miki's gonna fight Utena cause he wants Anthy to be 'free'

So... was Touga trying to say 'I took your sister from you, and if you don't take the Rose Bride first, I'll take her too'? That's the best I can come up with rn...

Here we go again with the pre-duel montage.......

Anthy's such an interesting character. I really do hope we get to learn more about her and how she became the Rose Bride.

Y'know, I wasn't super into the opening at first, but its kinda growing on me

Oh? Nanami episode?

GHOST MAN??

Miki's got some sass, I kinda love him lol

Hmmm... a prince you say? Didn't look like the prince though, if earlier visuals of him are to be believed.

UUUUUUUUUMMMMM.......

"About. As meaningless... as parsley." Man the voice acting is so bad. I love it.

Love Utena straight up ignoring Saionji. Its what he deserves.

This show can be really goofy sometimes lol

W... Where the fuck did Nanami come from????

This episode really feels like a fever dream

What is with this show and fucked up relationships???

Ooh, do we finally get to find out a bit more about Juri?

ROSE BRIDE LORE YES-

So I was pretty much on the mark with my original theory about being engaged to the Rose Bride granting access to their power

Miki gives absolutely zero shits and I love him.

We got another sad lesbian on our hands, boys.

UTENA WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T THINK THE ROSE BRIDE HAS ANY POWER HAVE YOU BEEN PAYING ATTENTION TO ANYTHING THAT'S BEEN GOING ON??

I'm kinda curious if the specific colors of the roses Anthy gives the duelists have any significance or if its just meant to match their color scheme. Might have to do some research into that...

Stopping here for now, but I'm excited to keep going and see what this is all leading up to!

#revolutionary girl utena #rgu #liveblog #no spoilers please and thank you

[a-s-levynn]

Bitching about shit (mostly covid and people being stupid) incoming, feel free to skip it i just need to let it out.

The worst fucking thing covid did was the quick tests that are more often then not are negative and doesn't show the actual illness half the time.

Also the fact that now people go everywhere even with a fever after having a negative quick test with the 'it's not covid' yell.

Then someone catches it from them, does the PCR test and behold it's fucking positive for covid but that is besides the point.

The point is, when the fuck did it became the norm to go sick anywhere with the excuse of "it's not covid"? It is still an illness you stupid fucks.. you will put others through that shit no matter what it is. For fuck's sake.. If you are sick stay the fuck home, i don't give a shit if "itsnotevencovid".

I don't want to catch your bullshit i don't give a fuck what it is. I don't want to accidentally give it to my family and shit. Especially with the sole reason being that you don't have the basic human decency to stay home when you are sick.

And no. Don't even try to come at me with the money being thighter if you skip workdays. Been there, done that. The not eating for days the next month because i've been home for sick days, i mean. So no. It's not an excuse to spread your shit to others. You can't even work properly with a fever anyway.

And for the record i still wear masks at crowded spaces so no i'm not being irresponsible and whining while not doing my part. But when my collague comes in sick and doesn't put on mask even after asked and uses the same kitchen and toilet as everyone else there is a limit what one person is able to do for dodgeing the shit.

And she went home soon after because she didn't felt good and couldn't do any work.. good job lady.. good job.. you came in for 3 hours.. *insert slow calp*

I already had covid once. I still have mild lingering side effects. I don't want it again because it might do more serious damage. I don't want to accidentally spread it to my mom. She had enough of the illness shit with her cancer. So thanks but fuck you, shut up and do your part.

#levynn cries about nonsense

[neonshrine]

Yesterday it was 13 years.

For some reason the only way that I can like wrap my head around it being 13 years is by thinking of it as "his death is a teenager." There were kids born in 2011 that are becoming teenagers. It's such a weird thought, and has absolutely nothing to do with Robby. Death can't be a "teenager."

When my mom broke the news to me, I have never felt so numb in my entire life. I didn't cry for hours. It wasn't until Becca (Robby, Becca and I were sort of the Three Musketeers of the neighborhood, if you will), came over that I finally cried. It didn't feel real, and in a lot of ways it still doesn't.

His parents asked me and Becca to speak at his funeral. I didn't get to go. I had a 102.7 degree fever. I went to the viewing with a 101 degree fever because I refused to miss it. One of my biggest regrets is not going to his funeral. I know funerals are for the living and not the dead, and I probably wouldn't have gotten through any words I would've hastily slapped together but I will always feel like I let him down by not going.

His dad and step-mom had a small get together that weekend for the neighborhood people to stop in and out. I was well enough to attend that, and just sat in Robby's bedroom in the basement. His dad came down to sit with me and let me cry on him for what felt like hours. It was probably one of the most selfish things I had ever done. Crying to the man who had just lost his oldest son. I apologized another day for being so insanely unthoughtful. I'll never forget his response.

"Why wouldn't I want to comfort my daughter when she lost her brother?"

I remember Becca being the first one to anger, which at the time pissed me off. She'd throw out things about it being "selfish," and she'd never forgive him for leaving us. In retrospect, I understand it now. We both know a lot more about addiction and how it impacts everyone in vastly different ways. Becca was always more of the "he needs tough love," approach. I was always more of the "he has to figure it out on his own," approach.

Sometimes I think Becca still holds me partially responsible for Robby not getting the help he needed. I don't think she means to. I think if I straight up asked her she'd tell me she doesn't, but I think it's because I was just as young and stupid and would frequently get high as well. I never used the hard stuff that he did, but that's no excuse. I really fucked it up. How could he possibly listen to him beg and plead to get help, when I was getting high as well? Yeah, weed and heroin are very very different beasts - but he'd give me the most infuriating "really?" look, and I had no backbone with him. I didn't want the fight. I didn't want the last things he said to me to be things out of anger.

Goddamn it was a lot for me to deal with for as long as I did - as young as I was.

There's still a debate to this day between friends and family about whether the "accidental overdose" was accidental or not. There's no doubt he died of a heroin overdose. Toxicology reports don't lie. Robby suffered from severe depression and had one prior suicide attempt when he was 15. His parents divorced when he was 3, his dad remarried (I was never a fan of his step-mom), had two more boys and adopted a daughter from Russia. Robby lived with his mom who never remarried, who (from what Robby told me) bad mouthed his dad religiously, and who wouldn't want him to even visit his dad. Depression also ran in his family. One time he told me he thought he was cursed. "All [redacted] men have severe depression. Our family curse."

Some believe he overdosed on purpose and they had been concerned for weeks that he was going to do something. Some think it was purely an accident but are glad he's "at peace."

Fucking bullshit, man. That wasn't peace. That's no way to go out.

Me? I don't have an opinion. All I know is my brother died. I don't care if he did it on purpose or if he did it accidentally. He just is no longer here.

For some reason 13 years hit me hard. The first was brutal. Year two was hard. Years three and four were... okay. Year five was rough because of that arbitrary milestone. Years six through nine, I feel like were easy. I think one of those years I actually forgot until a week later and then proceeded to feel insanely guilty. Year 10 was hard - another arbitrary milestone. Years 11 and 12... were fine. So why 13?

Robby's youngest brother Matthew is the age that Robby was when he died, and for some reason that hit hard. Matt reached out and said he was having a hard time with knowing that his birthday is in four months, and couldn't stop thinking about what Robby had been doing four months before his birthday (which is March 5 - so November 2010) that he didn't get to see. That it was an eerie feeling to be having. He said Colin (Robby's other younger brother) hadn't had that feeling. I don't know why, but this all bothered me even more. His brothers have gone 13 years without him. They went from being babies to grown men and Robby never saw any of it.

A lot of times I think about all of the things I've experienced that I didn't get to share with Robby. He never got to see me get something back from Mike, which I know would've made him roll his eyes. He didn't get to come to my housewarming party. He wasn't there to help pick up the pieces when I last got my heartbroken. He wasn't there to threaten to beat up my old boss. He didn't get to go to Becca's baby shower. He has no idea her son is named after him.

I miss him.

What died didn't stay dead. You're alive, you're alive in my head.

Here's 13 things one has to know about Robby:

1.) Him and I would play house, and one time he legitimately got upset and cried because he wanted to be the family dog and not the daddy.

2.) One time, we tried climbing out of his bedroom window using kite string. His dad put a stop to that one real fast.

3.) When I had my first kiss, he was the first person I told. He told me that was disgusting and I would probably get a disease and die.

4.) Years later he told me he had just been mad he hadn't been my first kiss because he thought it would be easier to practice on me until he got it right but could never figure out how to tell me that. Romantic.

5.) He was in a fairly popular pop punk band that did Warped Tour and what not. They were on the verge of actually making it when he died. Sometimes I wonder if the pressure was too much.

6.) He had a Collie named "Tillie."

7.) He had a very strange love for Dr. Dre. I have no idea where or how it started. It was like one day he didn't know a thing about Dre and the next he knew everything.

8.) He swore up and down Hoobastank was amazing and ahead of their time. We saw them open for Incubus and at the end of their set he just goes "TOLD YOU."

9.) When we were three, our moms took us to the theatre for the first time. I have no idea what we saw. What I do know is Robby and I fell asleep in the same seat and missed the entire movie.

10.) Every summer him and his dad would hold a wiffle ball party. It was all very serious. We'd make banners to hang on the fence line. The adults would get t-shirts printed so we'd have uniforms.

11.) He was an artist. He played guitar. He wrote song lyrics. He sketched all the time. His brain was always creating.

12.) He tried teaching me to skateboard once. It didn't go well and he blamed it on me being short. It had nothing to do with me being short.

13.) He would've laid his life down, no hesitation, for anyone and everyone that he cared about.

I miss him terribly.

I know my brother he went one way, and at the fork I heard him say: "Don't you follow, don't go making my mistakes." And I realized what he meant, don't kill yourself to raise the dead. It never works you'll only end up joining them.

For awhile after his death all I wanted to do not feel anything, so I drank. A lot. I've been drinking a lot. The last two months I've had more than I have in a very very long time. I didn't even realize why I was drinking so much until yesterday, when I had my last one and the thought of actually having to like sit with my thoughts sober was not a really enticing idea. It's still not. I'm drinking as I'm typing this, but I've at least recognized WHY I've been drinking like I have been. I don't want to join Robby. I just need to get myself together.

If I didn't know better, I'd think you were still around. I know better, but I still feel you all around. I know better, but you're still around.