#recurrent major depression

[vectorworm]

frustrating to watch B'Lanna having depression for one single episode at whichs end she already starts to recover really quickly. not even relationship destroying, not even worth getting fired over. i wish it was that easy

ok but the real part i dont like (the short duration is fine. some people just have one depressive episode and then its gone. thats good) the part i really dont like is that people try to reason with her. B'Lanna will be like:" i cant feel anything anymore" and her friends respond with "you should appreciate the things you have". like??? evidently they have no clue how depression works

#sorry about the little rant #but i watched b'lanna turn indifferent about her life and was like 'oh mood' #but then she quickly recovers after “realizing shes surrounded by her found family” #having recurrent major depressive disorder since uhh feels like forever. this is shurely frustrating to watch #star trek voy #throwback to when we red thirteen reason why in english class (😭😭) needless to say i didnt like that book. #(not just for the weird part of putting the blame of your mental illnes on random kids but also just the way - #- depression and suicide were portrayed as rational decision making. ) but i digress #hope b'lanna never has to deal with that ever again. (also bc shes nothing like me and i dont wanna have to relate to her again LOL)

[aroguexenolith]

My psychiatrist pointed out that it’s not actually normal to just kind of feel really tired of everything and right on the edge of despair every couple of months or so, for no discernible reason. Which, uh…good point I guess…

She said, normally when people feel sad…it’s because something sad happened……

#sighhhhh #I’ve never considered myself as like #having a legitimate case of recurrent major depressive disorder #I go about my life fairly well and don’t spend much of my time wanting to die #but lately I’ve realized that all my friends and family are ALSO depressed #so my baseline of what is normal is kind of really skewed???

[notmuchtoconceal]

( o ) goodimpressionofmyself

[October 28th, 2020 7:40am] 

bro, i’m some kinda necrocoprofungal fringe weirdo with a fetish for bein normal

i’m the punchline to a joke from 2005

my life is the vain pursuit of an ideal of sublime banality, this horridly tacky laudanum fugue of gilded wheat fields in subdivided painted picket houses, succumbed to oppressive concrete nothingness in a time that never was

the fury of a broiling beneath. dogs in an open field. vacancies within vacancies brah

primeval growth before the white man raped the land, gnarled and gambrous with all matter of shoots, bulbs, rosettes and spores. the wasteland of hollow points here in the heartland, ancient and centipeodal as the sea animals in the dinosaur books i read as a boy when everything was doe eyed and my head was filled with air. when i was yet to be so tantalizingly leaden

when i. simply. was still here

end of time. end of memory. thoughts comin and goin in strips a nitrate film

endless carousels a shape, bro. so many so lovely

so many the same

i’ll let you in. i’ll rest my hand on your back. i’ll lean in close and i’ll say brah, gonna show you some real sick shit brah

can’t help but smile

not smart to show fear. eye to eye. teeth to teeth. funk to funky. you’ll like it, i promise. the waltz always strangles. the wires in the notes. the house lights go up and down. spirographs of flesh. an orchestra pit of sarlaac. there always comes release after a dream turns to a nightmare brah

bro, i once saw this grindrshame post where this dude was like 6′2″, built and headless in an anonymous grey hoodie, and his bio said he was gonna strangle you and chop you up with an axe or some shit. people in the comments were saying he was funny. this ain’t shameable. shame on you for trying to shame a funny man with a nice blocky torso and big strong hands

i thought brah, fuck yeah brah, you get it. you get it. that’s what i want. walk straight toward the man triggerin just the right amount a threat detection response. we gonna fuck? he gonna choke me? how hard? i don’t fuckin know brah. one way to find out. i want a fire. baby i’m lit. pour gasoline all over my dick. harder bro harder. gonna burn this fuckin house to the ground bro. run screamin into desert night. wake up in a ditch clingin to you in grit and despair. look at you. know you. see past you. to the man you were before. who you forgot you were. who i know without knowin you know for i don’t know if what i see is what you know. then i realize. none a that matters. this moment is love and love is this moment. i remember only the smell of campfires and cold. you were the best mistake a my life brah. it was deffo more than worth the arson charges 

bro?

yeah brah?

i didn’t think you’d be the kinda guy to go on night walks

haha brah? what’s that supposed to mean brah. i love all this dennis hopper shit. over there, look at that lamp post. that incandescent diner. reflections in empty windows. darker glasses hiding darker curtains. way the light ripples through the leaves. shit’s fuckin gorgeous, brah

city feels like a dream bro

brah? brah? haha, brah you ever dissociate like real hard

haha, like real hard

haha

brah

brah

for a second i thought we were like girls in a dreampop video brah

bro, don’t. don’t say shit like that bro. holy fuckin shit. for a sec i swear i felt my dick shrivel up bro

haha, kitty got claws, but i the aesthete and the visionary have the petrifying gaze of the gorgon embedded in the imago of the mother

brah, what the hell’s an ass teat brah?

it’s a dude who’s like a faggot, but he still likes pussy

don’t sound a thing like you brah

some tastes are more refined than others

the most refined taste is that of the fraternal platonic bond between men of value, whose warring passions ignite an agonsy and ectasies which blurs the lines between romance and reason

all right socrates, bend over

haha

hahahaha

brah

brah

i die a little inside when i see you smile brah 

brah

i never thought i’d be so happy

…

BRO

holyfu–

haha, watch where you’re goin brah. dumbass almost got creamed by a bus

bro, sorry bro, i’m just like… 

yeah, brah?

where am i… where are…

you’re there. i’m here.

…

bro, are you?

‘i’m here, you’re there’ sir, do you mistake me for a child?

my apologies, sir. your motor coordination spoke for itself

haha, real funny brah. real cute thing to hear from a tight toosh in tighty whities

haha, brah. someone’s feelin sassy brah

it’s just… i din’t think it was real funny brah

nah, nah. keep goin brah. you’re cute when you’re cunty

bro i am not cunty, that is gaslightin. i’ve been recordin this whole conversation, it’s admissible in court without your consent by illinois law, and i can establish a pattern and motive. i’m gonna sue your ass for emotional damages brah

first off double check that law book. it don’t say what you think it says. pause for effect. okay. when you check the book it’ll say exactly what you remember it saying, but you still second guessed yourself. boom. alpha dominance. you’ve been gaslit. gonna get locked in the footbox tonight, fagboy. gonna stain that fuckin faggot lung a yours with three days a heavy liftin and ballin… also ‘toosh’, bro are you a grade school church hag? are you gonna give me a time out? knock it off with that pansy shit, brah. we both agree my masculinity is sacred, stop tryin to subvert it with your estranged gayness

i’m in love with you bro. i hate it i hate how much i’m in love with you… if i admit to it, then i admit that i’m stupid. stupider than you in fact, because yes, i am in fact smart enough to know better. this is 100% my fault. my head says this’s idiocy, but my heart yearns for you with a yearning beyond yearning. it’s a heart valve of picture postcards all the way down my irony innards a chef boyardee spelling out EA Poet sole in bouquets a cankers and open sores… maybe i could only ever hope for self-destruction, to fall with you ever downward, to be the arc of a fire poppy riding the ember to completion. maybe that’s all love is bro. the theater of heroism. a stupid idiot danger. maybe my parents did have a successful marriage, but i’m not gonna say that… i’m not gonna say any of that. i’m gonna keep that all to myself

smart man, brah. that’s why i like you like you. down for a night walk symposia with a flourish of baudelaire for texture. reminds me a those ceilings in my house, brah. ones with the paintstrokes that look like canyons

[cachunk]

bro, did you just slap your head bro

bro, i dunno? did i brah?

bro, you did. you deffo did

haha, i did?

your headphones cachunked, didn’t you hear?

nah, brah, i don’t think… no wait, yeah i did, haha

haha

fuckin dumbass

dumbass meathead

dumbass meathead musclebull muscle toy andro droll androgeneticist muscle drone rubber drone rubber room retard ubermensch apeman grotesque gooner hunchback henchman dumbfuck douchebag dudebro

first of his name

king in the north

haha

hahaha

bro, stop i’m still in mourning

bro, it sucked since season five, bro

bro, how the fuck do you have your best character, the only character left who’s played by a competent actress – i’m sorry bro, that bitch with the caterpillar eyebrows cannot act. she has like white bread girl next door bimbo giggly and all the fury and drama of grade school gymnasium theater

bro, you are that, but the gay version

first off, fuck you fagboy. that’s two days in the footbox now. i’m gaggin you with the dirty crusty pair a briefs i use as a jizz rag faggot. gonna be tastin it all night fagboy, tastin my dirty alpha fuckin cock steeped in my tight white fuckin briefs. yeah, you love it. love watchin daddy’s uncut alpha bulge standin up tall and straight in his tight white fuckin briefs. watchin daddy’s hard uncut alpha cock writhin in the transparent cotton, growin fatter and nastier with every gush a blood – the mass and veiny contouring suggestive of a lunatic in a straightjacket confined to a prison a ballsweat, asylum walls of the fly some brutalist garter prison of mid-century ad copy suffocatin me in my futile role as protector and provider. yeah, you love daddy’s uncut alpha dick, don’t you fagboy?

yes, sir. please gag me with your briefs sir. i worship and adore you sir

you’re my everything bro. i wouldn’t know what i’d do without you without you in my strong arms keepin you safe and warm

bro

awgh

bro stop it bro

brah i’m a sensitive man, you know that brah. i’m really closer to a lesbian in temperament

fuckin gina gershon leather dyke 

haha, you’re like a helpless lil pray animal, bro. i wanna rape you

sorry, brah. not feasible. definition-ally, one cannot rape the willing

objection. your honor, we have established the defendant’s mind is weak and malleable. upon the conclusion of our night walk i could throw him upon my svelte king size mattress, tie him wrist and ankle to the bedposts, and fuck him senseless – your honor, i could fuck him until he was drooling catatonic with eyes tuned out like television static, absolutely fry the circuitry of his brain with pleasure… and with but a mere suggestion make him think it was the most brutal of horrors, an utterly charmless display of freakshow primate dominance which would leave the skirts fallen from the hangers. i could have him bent over lobotomized 1950′s hysterical with a hole in the head from uncle sam, crying in his sad lil victorian woman way oh you foul man you foul man you absolute brute

i give up. i’m helpless to you

i am your toy. don’t break me

i’m weak

i need you

bro i need you

bro

bro

i was missin you real bad bro

brah i know bro

god i can’t fuckin st–

WOAH

the fu–

haha, b r o

eeeeee

bro you are clueless, bro

what wa–

bro, that weren’t no bus. that was a bus stop bro

which one of us am…?

which one of us am…? bro are you for real bro?

bro, where, where am 

bro… bro

bro?

bro, pay attention. you listenin? i’m me, you’re you

bro, i’m…

bro? BRO?

…

bro?

‘i’m me, you’re you’. very instructional. very confucian. i have been enlightened. thank you. thank you very much. every moment we spend together is a treasure

bro, i know it. you know i got your back bro

it hurts bro. my head hurts. my feet hurt. my spine hurts. the bud of passion lies dormant in the embers exhausted. hold me close bro?

bro, you know it bro

mmphh

feels good don’t it bro

gooood you smell good brah

like that brah? like curlin up in daddy’s smelly meathead pits

mmmph. can smell you through the leather brah. mmmmmm fuck. wanna curl up in a bearskin rug made a more you brah

get in closer. i’ll crush you

please bro. crush me like a fuckin bug

mmmphhhhh 

ahhhhhh

like that fagboy

i am an insect. i am unworthy. i cry tears of joy every moment i can smell you, see you, touch you, kiss you, you in all your earthly imperfections are what i deem a suitable enough surface onto which to project my unattainable ideal of exquisite manhood

it’s an horor, brah. use me. i’m a dumb mule fit only to serve and amuse you

flex, bro. i wanna kiss it

pffftt

hmmppph. god you’re a man. those fuckin pecs. flatten me like a migrant worker under a speedin freight train brah

haha bro what the fuck

a bray of laughter, wheezing forth like a geyser from dry reedy lungs – eyes dry reedy wells from which there are no tears to draw

i am the sun

i am the air

you’re a fire sign

a lemon lime

a soda pop

i’d rather not

please picture a barbershop quartet on fire

you were always the care

taker her sir

what a lovely image. how much did it cost?

twenty five cents, my good man

a pleasure, sir. i shall return tomorrow to view it again

why sir, you can view it anywhere

anywhere

anytime anywhere

anytime anywhere? good sir, what sorcery is this? is this one of those portable videographs i’ve heard so much about

why no sir, ’tis but the power of imagination

imagination, why what is that?

it’s when you get like pictures and notions in your head, sir

oh, that doesn’t sound typical. are you sure of that?

why yes sir. why i bet if we sat still and quieted down for a moment, we could picture all sorts of things

well… i suppose it is considered adventurous to try things once

okay… you ready…

okay…?

yeah? on the count of 3?

I

I I

I V

I I I

…

…

…

are we…

shhh… i was imaginin somethin

aw shi-

shhh

….

….

holy fuckin shit brah

bro. bro i know rite

are we allowed to do this? this can’t be legal

not just legal, bro. free

why isn’t everybody doin this? we have to tell the world!

can’t bro.

bro?

won’t listen

aw shit. what do we do now?

i dunno. we could light more shit on fire

the gumption i mire, i just wish you’d channel it more productively

hard, brah. nobody taught me how to be a man. i had to assemble it piecemeal from the shards of a collective stained glass mural detonated by the infobomb a mass media and bulldozed by the flatiron a neoliberal accelerationism

can’t tell if sperging or anime stoic

fuck off normie

my undiagnosed bipolar disorder grants me currency in your fucked up inverted mental illness values hierarchy, but joke’s on you, that’s the cost of the psychic heritage i carry, my drive towards shamanism. hear him, hear him, hear the voice of venus in cancer beyond the grave. can i getta   69   69   95 boy

brah brah

for i am a seer… for am i a liar…

BRAH

i am a seer  i am a liar

haha, naw man. he’s fine. theater guy, they’re characters, you know

my father   ran the prison

shhhh. slow down brah. you’re shakin. come ere. come to daddy. come get up in daddy’s leather  where you belong

it’s not me, it’s the wind. the autumn wind. creeping listless upon my dream of an indian summer

yeah. that’s it. get right up in daddy’s pit

mmmph. like i’m bastin in your smell bro

yeah, that’s it. my heat and my musk. cocooning you. seeping into you. staining you. makin you more and more my good obedient beta boy. like that don’t you. like bein my bitch, don’t you beta?

yes sir

say it

i like bein your beta bitch boy sir

feels good to let daddy take control. just be a dumb beta for awhile and follow along. be a good lil boy for your alpha and obey mindlessly

yes sir

fuckin your head with my words. commands feel so fuckin good snakin through your brain, suffocatin any nerve bundles tryin ta resist

i’m weak sir. i’m weak. i need you. complete me. destroy me.

bro. bro. resist me. sustain me. complete me. i am an absence without you. this thing i am. this slightness. this frailty. it’s something no mass can overcome. the weight. a will no body could ever embody. do you see how i weep? i who was a beast who was a man dreaming he was a god

i love you bro

love you bro

love you bro love you bro

love you bro love you bro glove you bro globe you bro

we want you big brother

big brother

bro bro

bro

bro

bro, i wasn’t done. 

bro, wha-

third, i am not autistic. fourth, even if i was, autism is not a mental illness, it’s a perfectly natural autoimmune response to unnatural vaccinations. my teats are the most robust and the milkiest. my pearl necklace houses the most cum. my boots are the most patent and the leatheriest. second, bro. they had their best fuckin character standin around on a balcony all season doin fuckin nothin. after season fuckin six bro, they took her absolutely fuckin nowhere, i don’t give a shit how much trashy pirate dick she didn’t get, it was all a waste

make a wish

we never kiss’d

tears’n the rain

it’s always the same

i know, bro. hurts to fall out of love. hurts not to care. run outta stories outta service

not gonna worry about that anymore brah. don’t plan on it happenin again anytime soon. it’s all very conventional. not anything new. nice to see it reheated like a warm stain. i would rather remember the bouquet of theses tastes of yesterday, not the bilge and bile they became

bro

Bro

delete me

d e l e t e  m e

b  r  o

b     r     o

[screaming beyond the infinite]

what was i saying

that you loved me stupid

you loved yourself stupid, goonerboy

hey, look

what

porchlight’s still on

haha, fuckin dumbass

who you callin dumbass, dumbass

to sass and the spastic, forevermore shall your minds be plastic

whoooom

airplane exploding noises

tens of thousands of women and children dead

goddamn, i do love you stupid

maybe we should burn down some buildings

nother time brah. there’ll be other nights. other night walks

other nights other night walkers

bro

bro

don’t think this is gonna be no greetin card endin brah. you got no fuckin idea what’s waitin for you on the other side a that door. i could clamp a leatherclad paw over your mouth and crush your jaw into a bony fuck funnel for my uncut alpha cock. i could throatfuck you so hard i work my way right through nuttin your fuckin faggot brains out. i could rip your fuckin throat wideopen with my bare hands and garrot you with your own tongue i don’t see that fucker black with filth from the bottoma a my boots you dumb faggot. tomorrow i wanna see daddy’s alpha boots fuckin spotless, comprende motherfucker? 

the door slams shut behind you

you’re not gettin the fuck back out for a good long while

better think

long and fuckin hard about what you let inside a you brah, fuck knows if you’ll ever get the stains out

haha

haha

night walks bro

fuckin night walks

[to the boys across the street on the golf course]

cocksucker

#I #eternally recurrent #canonical texts #dog brain #woof woof #-- #big dick energy #big dumbass vibes #depressed thot energy #ludonarrative dissociative identity #baked af #i dunno #backwards cap bro #fuckin swole brah #dumbass himbro #douchebrahtrash #good meathead #good briefsboy #powerlifter build #nous vivons au cinema #alpha fux beta bux #entropy #silent majority #silence is golden duct tape is silver #the north wind #what the fuck am i reading #lord what fools these mortals be #bro love #intensely unstable energy #a courtly bromance

[eternally-broken]

Some things on my mind...

#bpd #eupd #borderline personality disorder #mental health #mental illness #affective disorder #major depressive disorder #recurrent depressive disorder #depressing shit #depression #anxiety #social phobia #agoraphobia #mentally fucked #bpd thoughts #Spotify

[chocobothis]

Ugh, I did the whole fall asleep early. Which means being out by 1am for me but I've been a night owl literally my entire life. Then I didn't really wake up until 11am. Which is 10 whole hours of sleep.

I'm still exhausted but have bonus back pain...again.

Think I'm gonna deal with my psych appointment and crawl back into bed. It's warm under my blankets with my owl and then my cat, who is also a fucked up owl.

#you've never told me about that #rants #i'm also in a depression down swing again #which is really impressive for someone who's recurrent major depression never really has episodes that ends #it's just tolerable with nose dives #everything is just a lot and i don't know why and it's dragging up all of the traumas #did get to tell my therapist of the 1.5 hours i spent where a cult simultaneously tried to recruit me and shun me at the same time #i mentioned it offhandedly and he was just #my life is full of weird adventures #for the record i agreed with the lady shunning me

[beardedmrbean]

Before this column ends, we’ll get to the unmissable fact that anti-Israel, often antisemitic, protests are proliferating at what we amusingly choose to call our most “selective” universities—Columbia, Yale, New York University, Stanford, Berkeley. For the moment, add these North Face tent protests on $75,000-a-year campus quads to the sense among the American public that their country is running off the rails.

A list of the phenomena laying us low includes: wokeness, DEI (diversity, equity and inclusion), defund the police (a depressing subset of wokeness), conspiracy theories, head-in-the-sand isolationism and a self-centered political polarization typified—from left to right—by Reps. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Ilhan Omar, Cori Bush, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Matt Gaetz and Lauren Boebert.

Ironically this time of year is associated with hope, amid spring and college graduations—except at the University of Southern California, which, fearing trouble, canceled its commencement speakers and told honorary-degree recipients not to show up.

Setting silenced USC aside, a hopeful note one hears at college commencements is that the American system is self-correcting, that despite recurrent stress, it always rights itself. Opinion polls suggest few believe this anymore but—happy spring—it looks as if we may be on the brink of a real counter-revolt against the craziness.

Last week in the hopelessly gridlocked House, Republican Speaker Mike Johnson, facing threats to his job from the chaos caucus, cast his lot with the enough-is-enough caucus. The House passed bills to sustain allies in Ukraine, Israel and Taiwan. Congress isn’t dead—yet.

Blue states and cities that looked willing to collapse rather than defend their citizens have begun to push back against progressives’ pro-criminal and antipolice movements.

At the urging of Gov. Kathy Hochul, New York’s just-passed state budget includes measures to crack down on shoplifting. Assaulting a retail worker will be a felony. Larceny charges can be based on the total goods stolen from different stores. Progressives in the state’s Legislature opposed the measures. Philadelphia Mayor Cherelle Parker, elected in January on restoring law and order (yes, it can be a Democratic issue), last week announced a plan to support policing in the most crime- and drug-plagued neighborhoods.

March seemed to be a tipping point. The hyperprogressive Council of the District of Columbia, in a city that had become an embarrassing carjacking hellhole, passed an array of anticrime measures. Oregon’s Legislature voted to reverse the state’s catastrophic three-year experiment with drug decriminalization. San Francisco voters approved two measures proposed by, of all people, Mayor London Breed, to ease restrictions on policing and require drug screening for welfare recipients. The results in Los Angeles County’s primary for district attorney strongly suggest progressive George Gascón will be voted out in November.

In all these places, the reversals by elected officials are driven by the prospect of voters’ turning them out of office. That is the U.S. political system trying to right itself.

In California, a safety coalition has collected about 900,000 signatures to reverse parts of Proposition 47, the state’s now-notorious 2014 decision to reduce some theft felonies to misdemeanors. This week, the U.S. Supreme Court’s conservative majority appeared sympathetic to overturning a Ninth Circuit decision that bars cities and towns from enforcing vagrancy laws. Though the case emerged from Grants Pass, Ore., which is trying to ban homeless encampments, about three dozen elected officials and organizations in California filed briefs arguing that the Ninth Circuit’s ruling made cleaning up the streets almost impossible.

News stories since the start of the year have noted that many private companies are rethinking policies on DEI, partly under legal pressure, such as the Supreme Court’s decision last year to strike down the use of race in college admissions.

Some in the corporate DEI movement thought they were immune to restraints. No longer. Companies are rediscovering that the constituency most needing inclusion is their customers. The loudest shot across the bow came last week, when Google fired 28 employees after some staged sit-in protests at its New York and California offices over a contract with Israel’s government. Google’s firing statement describes “completely unacceptable behavior.” No one saw that coming.

All this adds up to a nascent counter-revolt against America’s lurch toward self-destruction. The exception is elite U.S. universities. Their leadership has seen itself as answerable to no one and politically immune.

Robert Kraft, a Columbia grad and owner of the New England Patriots, said this week he will no longer give the school money “until corrective action is taken.”

If big donors ever regain control of these so-called selective schools, a suggestion: Firing the president won’t close the barn door. Instead, fire the admissions office. What a tragedy to think how many serious high-school students were rejected by Columbia, Yale and NYU, edged out by nonuseful idiots whose chosen major is the political structure of re-education camps.

Someone has to be a lagging indicator, and these schools are it.

Non-paywall link

#nunyas news

[masonshmason]

Blitzø, BPD, and the importance of positive mental health representation

NOTE: Before I begin, I want to make it very clear that I am only one person with borderline personality disorder, or BPD. There's a spectrum of how the disorder affects its sufferers and those around them. I'm not pretending to be an expert nor do I condone any form of self-diagnosis. If you feel that you exhibit the symptoms of BPD, please contact your mental health provider or community center.

TW for mentions of depression, s****de, ableism, and self-harming behaviors. It's gonna get heavy in here. Also I have no spoons to go image hunting so I will try to avoid text walls as much as possible I'M SO SORRY

So, what is BPD?

Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD, according to the DSM-V, is "a pervasive pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, and emotion, as well as marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts".

There are nine diagnostic criteria for BPD, but I'm going to cover the symptoms that I feel in my personal opinion that Blitzø exhibits most often throughout Helluva Boss:

Emotional instability in reaction to day-to-day events (e.g., intense episodic sadness, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

Impulsive behavior in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (in Blitzø's case these are gratuitous spending and sex)

A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by extremes between idealization and devaluation (also known as "splitting")

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

Insert precautionary "demons in hell, it's a comedy, etc" arguments but this is actually very important. I see so much of myself in Blitzø that even if the fact that he meets the diagnostic criteria is completely unintended by Spindlehorse, it's so important to have this level of representation as someone living with BPD.

BPD is not a "nice" disorder to have. It's not quirky, or innocuous, or cinnamon roll status, or something that is easily supported by mental health awareness allies. I would argue that no mental health disorder is. However, in the media and in some circles online, BPD sufferers are overwhelmingly stereotyped as toxic, obsessive, and sometimes even outright dangerous and violent.

I have found only one book worth its salt about BPD that speaks to the person who actually HAS the disorder, instead of directing its message to those around us--the wonderful I Hate You, Don't Leave Me by  Jerold J. Kreisman and Hal Straus. Books for supporting friends and family are important too, but the vast majority of support literature reduces us to a burden inflicted upon those we care about, instead of people who feel immense guilt and shame when we lash out at people we love. Or like Blitzø, push them away out of fear of being rejected and abandoned again when we inevitably do lash out.

To have a character who not only displays the worst of the worst symptoms of the disorder and is still treated like a person, like everyone else, is so important and I am so glad to have this weird little gremlin of an emotional support imp.

#helluva boss #blitzo #mental health #weird essay idk

[audible-smiles]

I definitely meet the definition of "chronically ill" with both Hashimoto's and recurrent major depressive disorder, but I only ever feel chronically ill when I'm spending whole weeks of my life trying to tease apart what's a new symptom and what's a new adverse effect caused by the medication for a symptom.

#lifeblogging #I don't put great stock in it as an identity category #given that like half the planet has a chronic condition #at any given time. it's part of being alive. #'disabled' is maybe more useful? I'm not that. yet.

[bigmooneyes]

wikipedia poem about dpdr, because i can never find the right words when trying to explain; so borrowing them will have to do

transcript:

1.

Depersonalization-derealization disorder From wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Specialty: Psychiatry, clinical psychology Symptoms: Depersonalization, Derealization Usual onset: Young adulthood Duration: chronic, episodic

Contents [hide]

The core is the subjective experience of "reality of one's self" or detachment from one's surroundings.

thought to be caused largely by interpersonal trauma adverse early childhood experiences, specifically emotional abuse and neglect have been linked

the state of mind could last either hours, days, and possibly even weeks at a time.

These experiences which strike at the core of a person's identity and consciousness may cause - substantial distress;

the real thing was overwhelming;

fearing loss of control, detached from their own thoughts; these symptoms cause -- unreality,

dissociation from the rest of society; disconnected or detached from one's self; or from one's surroundings.

there is an alienation; uneasy or anxious -- constant or varying intensity.

Insidious onset may reach back as far as can be remembered.

2.

Society and culture [edit]

patient who "feels that he is no longer himself", attempts to describe experiences that are difficult to articulate into words.

In order to comprehend the nature of reality we must understand what reality actually is.

some descriptions were metaphors;

as if the world around them is foggy, dreamlike/surreal, or visually distorted.

The ability to sense that something is unreal is maintained when experiencing symptoms of the disorder.

^ Radovic F (2002). "Feelings of Unreality: A Conceptual and Phenomenlogical Analysis of the Language of Depersonalization".

the conceptualization of dissociation involves detachment from one's self;

it doesn't diminish just the experience, but more or less all experience.

the majority of people (about 80%) responsible for child maltreatment are the child's own parents.

^ Thomson, Paula; Jaque, S. Victoria (15 March 2018). "Depersonalization, adversity, emotionality, and coping with stressful situations". Journal of Trauma & Dissociation.

3.

Prognosis [edit]

as if the world lies within the understanding of reality.

experiences with depersonalization may be frightening, a loss of control over their thoughts or actions; persistent or recurrent feelings of detachment from one's mental or bodily processes; difficulty concentrating; a sense that self or the world is unreal; impairment to one's ability to perceive reality.

The Scream may have been inspired by depersonalization disorder. (i.e. patient is aware of a perceptual disturbance)

symptoms tend to be constant and quite unsettling.

an illness of lost opportunities.

^ Blevins, Christy A.; Weathers, Frank W.; Mason, Elizabeth A. (1 October 2012). "Construct Validity of Three Depersonalization Measures in Trauma-Exposed College Students". Journal of Trauma & Dissociation.

Anxiety vs. fear

Symptoms

Types 3.1 Existential

The most common comorbid disorders are depression and anxiety; significant and uncontrollable feelings of anxiety and fear; fear is more complex than just forgetting or deleting memories, the hereafter, the next ten years or even tomorrow.

DPDR is typically chronic and continuous; between reality and the symptoms; a feeling of being detached from the world; divorced from their own personal self; Treatment of DPDR is often difficult and refractory.

4.

Appearance [edit]

I find myself regarding existence as though from beyond the tomb, from another world; all is strange to me; I am, as it were, outside my own body and individuality; I am depersonalized, detached, cut adrift.

Is this madness?

(In the upper right corner is a heavily edited black and white ghost picture of The Brown Lady of Raynham hall. The descriptive text underneath it is unreadable.)

all dissociative phenomena involves a detachment from reality; Familiar places may look alien, bizarre, and surreal.

they are not in the notion of the present; experiencing themselves and their lives from a distance.

as if the world around them is disconnected; distorted. as though time is passing them by.

they are able to recall a memory but feel as if they did not personally experience it.

In some cases, individuals may be unable to accept their reflection as their own, thoughts and acts elude the self and become strange.

^ Daphne Simeon; Jeffrey Abugel (7 November 2008). Feeling Unreal: Depersonalization Disorder and the Loss of the Self.

think critically about the nature of reality and existence.

depersonalization is understood as a defense; a type of coping mechanism.

Although residual sunlight does not penetrate the depths inhabited by deep-sea lizardfish, their eyes aid in detecting sources of residual or bioluminescent light.

^ Mauricio Sierra (13 August 2009). Depersonalization: A New Look at a Neglected Syndrome. Cambridge, UK: Cambridge University Press. p. 120.

#wikipedia poetry #poetry #wikipedia poem #dpdr #depersonalization #derealization #dissociation #mental health #my writing #depersonalisation disorder #derealisation #depersonalisation #bc english spelling is different and all that #actually dpdr #tw child abuse #idk if it qualifies as poetry but #it was a good exercise anyway #also lmk if i fucked up with the transcript somewhere! #transcribed

[midnightdemon7]

about my hiatus

About my hiatus I have been in the hospital the past three months. I was not in a state where I could write a blog. I was doped up most of the time and barely knew what was going on around me. I was sick with renal failure, covid, and infection called C diff. I was barely eating so they had place an nasogastric tube down in my stomach for a bit. I don’t know how long this tube was place. I had…

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#blog #Blogging #depression #FTM #hopelessness #mental illness #mental pain #mood disorders #psych hospital #psychache #psychological pain #PTSD #recurrent major depression #recurrent major depression with psychotic features #suicidality #suicide #suicide ideation #transgender #writing

[feed-me-sunlight]

I have been busy as fuck lately trying to get my life together, which has included coordinating moving into my own place (so many fucking steps to this. so much budgeting. so many phone calls. i am hanging on by a thread but I finally got my keys Thursday.) My broken wrist is also healed and my arm is breathing fresh air again. I have also been working with a couple of psychiatrists to try to get a better understanding of myself and seek help with some difficulties which are often limiting if not debilitating for me. Today the doctor who evaluated me finished his analysis that he's been working on for a couple of weeks and the results are in:

DSM-5-TR Diagnostic Impressions: F43.10 Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder F40.10 Social Anxiety Disorder F33.0 Major Depressive Disorder, recurrent episode, mild F90.0 Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, predominately inattentive presentation

Despite the executive hell this has been it's super validating to ~officially~ have this observed and documented by someone with a PhD. The medication I got from the psych NP about a month ago has been a big help too. I'm turning 30 in like 2 weeks and this is the first time in my life I feel like I'm maybe gonna be ok in this crazy old world. All it takes is a big team of various specialists to ensure I don't collapse!!

Anyway, here's a funny tidbit from his report to wrap this post up:

"Of note, Katie was dressed in mostly pink clothing and accessories during the assessment. She shared with the examiner that it “has been a goal lately,” and that she “took inspiration from watching Legally Blonde."

#DID HE REALLY HAVE TO INCLUDE THAT PART LMAO #personal

[train-wreck-of-thought]

Continue below if you'd rather not read it on Medium.

It's frustrating how many people will stop taking you seriously if you call yourself neurodivergent. It's a genuinely useful term--especially in my case.

I'm a thirty year old man with a long, complicated diagnostic history. If you'll indulge me, I'd like to go over some of it (though if you'd rather take me at my word, feel free to skip down to the last paragraph).

At age six, I was diagnosed with ADHD. Three years later, this diagnosis was affirmed.

A year after that, however, a neuropsychologist disputed this diagnosis. He further shot down my parents' suspicions that I was autistic.

It seems someone--and to this day, it's unclear who--thought otherwise, because a diagnosis of autism somehow found its way into my records. At the age of twenty, a psychological evaluation affirmed this diagnosis. The psychologist further noted that I showed several symptoms of ADHD but thought they could be accounted for by the diagnosis of autism. Finally, she diagnosed me with "major depressive disorder, recurrent, sever with psychotic features."

Seven years later, another psychological evaluation disputed the diagnoses of autism and ADHD, only affirming the diagnosis of MDD (albeit moderate rather than severe and without mention of psychotic features). The evaluation noted attention issues but attributed them to depression and anxiety. The evaluation further noted a level of social discomfort but attributed that to social anxiety disorder rather than autism.

My psychiatrist at the time, meanwhile, suggested I suffered from CPTSD. I called up a trauma therapy practice, and the practitioner I spoke to agreed that there were "multiple complex layers of trauma." I was eventually set up with a trauma therapist in training, and she seemed to think I did indeed suffer from CPTSD.

A year after the second psychological evaluation, I was hospitalized. The diagnosis at discharge was listed as schizophrenia. The diagnosis was a bit bewildering to both me and the councilor-in-training I was seeing, and to be honest, I thought they might've just put that down so they could put me on expensive antipsychotics (and it wouldn't be the first time something like that happened, but that's another story).

Then again, maybe they were onto something, because the psychiatrist I'm currently seeing diagnosed me with schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. Personally, I think that's a bit extreme--I could see bipolar II with psychotic features, maybe--but I'm not the expert. As if for good measure, she also said I might be autistic after all.

If you can believe it, that's not quite everything--that's just the tidiest I could make it--but the point is that my diagnostic history is a mess. Everything I've been diagnosed with has been disputed--whether explicitly (as with autism and ADHD) or implicitly (as with MDD and schizoaffective disorder being diagnostically exclusive with one another).

I have a feeling people reading this might raise an eyebrow at how much time I've spent on all the conditions I may or may not have, and in a sense, that's the point. I wish we lived in a world where, instead of explaining all that, I could just say I'm neurodivergent, but there are so many people who'd read that word and assume I don't actually a psychiatric condition--and meanwhile, professionals seem to think I have all of them.

#neurodivergent #neurodiversity #neurodivergency #neurodivergencies #neurodiverse #autism #adhd #audhd #neuroatypical #autism spectrum disorder #actuallyautistic #autistic #schizoaffective disorder #schizoaffective #schizophrenia #asd

[lacklustres]

information.

public & private information your muse might know or not know about mine, depending on certain circumstances, situations, verse(s) and etc.

public information.

information that almost anyone can learn or know about larry; this is either through larry himself, research, or the media, or other forms of basic intel mediums.

at the tip-top of public information, larry is a high-ranking pokémon league member in paldea. he's the gym leader of medali, with a normal-type specialisation; he's also an elite-four member, though his specialisation is frequently extrapolated / assumed to be the same as his gym.

his personality and demeanour are quite notoriously flat and emotionless. many league members, not just in paldea but abroad, are known to be more bubbly than your average joe in many media distributions. while this is mostly likely a social and business-related façade, it's one that larry does not conform to.

larry doesn't engage the media as often as other league members. he prefers a quieter living, though some people might perceive this as weird or even suspicious.

semi-public information.

information that would take more digging to procure; it's not explicitly public, but relatively borderline.

larry has been spotted on dates with men. this has been detailed in less mainstream, more gossip-prone news outlets. larry hasn't made any explicitly public statements about his sexual orientation, but these articles narrow his sexual orientation (at the very least) as away from heterosexual.

larry is a dual-type specialist. he specialises in both normal-types and flying-types. the latter is not explicitly advertised, as it is intended to be something of a surprise if someone hasn't done their research.

he's been subject to targeted online jokes and memes. mostly of a relatively derogatory nature. even though his league slogan is " the exceptional everyman, " it's well known that he's visually and verbally lacklustre in the emotion department. the biggest joke(s) oft twist exceptional to unexceptional.

larry is a semi-heavy smoker. this is mostly known to medali residents, as they may spot him outside wherever he's working, smoking. or, more occasionally, someone may spot him on his apartment balcony with a stiff drink in one hand and a cigarette in the other.

despite his branding as a businessman, larry has no tertiary educational qualifications. he doesn't have any doctorates or masters or undergraduate degrees, which some people find odd, given his high-ranking and business-likened nature.

private information.

information about larry that someone is highly unlikely to know unless they are close or otherwise intimate with him. even those close to him may not know all these segments.

larry is a transgender man. he isn't adverse to letting people know, it's simply that he passes and is even presumed to be cis in majority of perspectives. he doesn't think that the public necessarily deserves to know every inch of information about him.

larry is gay. expanding from the bit of information in the semi-public section: he's not made any public statements about his sexual orientation, but those close to him (mostly) know. again, not adverse to letting people know, but he isn't exactly the most social butterfree-type of individual.

he's a high-functioning alcoholic. he hides his alcohol abuse, and often disguises his drinking as social. he has dependency on drinking in order to get through the day without lapsing into bad depressive symptoms.

larry has changed his legal name twice. he first changed in his name as soon as he turned eighteen, thereby gaining legal authority over his address. however, after experiencing severe, recurrent mental health episodes, he felt he needed a fresh start. most people would've known him as someone very mentally unwell, given how outward his symptomology was, and this tainted his chosen name for him. after he left his hometown of los platos, on his twenty-eighth birthday, he changed his legal name a second time to larry.

when larry was younger, he was loud, abrasive, and part of multiple youth gangs. under a different name both colloquially and legally, larry was an archetype rebellious youth. he'd been warned several times for acts of aggression and petty crime, but had never been lawfully reprimanded during this time. he was known for his love of poison and dark-types, as well as being a general troublemaker in class and in the community. he didn't graduate secondary education; he dropped out part way through highschool.

larry has been diagnosed with schizophrenia, and later in his life, depression. doctors presume the schizophrenia to be of genetic, or sometimes referred to as organic, causes. his first significant episode of psychosis was when he was eighteen, almost nineteen, and continued to experience severe episodes until he was twenty-five. now his episodes are more moderate, and he usually admits himself to a private psychiatrist when he feels himself feeling unsafe. he is on a very high dose of first generation antipsychotics, which certainly haven't helped his rigid body and flat affect.

because of one of his mental health episodes, larry was arrested, and sustained multiple police-related injuries. during an incident where he went cold off his medication, he succumbed to a relapse into an incredibly severe episode of mental illness. he proceeded to threaten multiple people with a kitchen knife midst a main street in los platos. police arrived shortly on the scene, and he received various injuries by both police and police pokémon alike when he didn't back down and started to advance on the police crew. because of his known diagnosis, he was eventually sent to a mental health ward rather than rotting in a jail cell. he still has scars around his left wrist and right shoulder from when two growlithe jumped him to get the knife out of his hand.

he has bad reactions to any sort of weed debris or smoke. it makes his psychotic symptoms flare up regardless of the heavy dose he's on, so if he catches even a whiff of it, he'll seek to leave whatever location he's in.

#hc. #i'll probably add to this overtime but for now here u go!!! #long post // #drug ment // #ask to tag // #man looking at this i'm like. larry do u talk abt anything ever #FDKLMGFLKMDF he really doesn't have a lot known about him he's a quite quiet individual in terms of media distribution

[thegoodnessofprovidence]

The Intervals

"Let me see—what are my other shortcomings. I get in the dumps at times, and don’t open my mouth for days on end. You must not think I am sulky when I do that. Just let me alone, and I’ll soon be right. What have you to confess now? It’s just as well for two fellows to know the worst of one another before they begin to live together." [...] Nothing could exceed his energy when the working fit was upon him; but now and again a reaction would seize him, and for days on end he would lie upon the sofa in the sitting-room, hardly uttering a word or moving a muscle from morning to night. On these occasions I have noticed such a dreamy, vacant expression in his eyes, that I might have suspected him of being addicted to the use of some narcotic, had not the temperance and cleanliness of his whole life forbidden such a notion.

When listing his worst qualities, Holmes mentions 'the dumps' and does not want to be considered 'sulky' - he's not trying to be this way. The fact that it will pass in a matter of days is meant to be reassuring to a future roommate.

Watson insists Holmes is not difficult to live with and regards these reactions as 'torpor'. He also contrasts this behavior to when Holmes is interested and engaged with work. The melancholy is present, but it is not the only temperament.

The consideration for how a roommate might perceive his behavior, self-awareness that it may cause offense, yet insistence not to worry, it will pass- are reminiscent of the way someone* with persistent depressive disorder and recurrent major depressive disorder manages the intense episodes when the two conditions are out of remission.

*meaning me, the mun lol

#acd holmes #index: sherlockian #sherlock holmes #granada holmes #index: brain attic #sh #headcanon

[madamlaydebug]

Mental Illness's...

Depression Disorders: Major Depression Disorder (MDD) / Recurrent Depressive Disorder / Bipolar Disorder / Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) / Mild, Moderate & Severe Depression.

2. Anxiety Disorders: Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) / Social Phobias / Obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) / Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) / Panic Disorder / Agoraphobia / Specific Phobias / Social Anxiety Disorder / Emetophobia (fear of vomiting)

3. Neurological Disorders: Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) / Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) / Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)

4. Cognitive Disorders: Dyslexia / Learning Disabilities

5. Addiction: Polysubstance Abuse Disorder / Alcohol Addiction / Self-harming Addiction

6. Sleeping Disorders: Insomnia

7. Impulse Control Disorders: Trichotillomania (hair pulling)

8. Personality Disorders: Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) / Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) / Schizotypal Disorder (STPD) / Narcissistic Personality Disorder

9. Psychiatric Disorders: Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) / Schizophrenia / Schizoaffective Disorder / Body Dysmorphia Disorder (BDD) / Gender Identity Disorder (GID) / Dissociative disorders (DD) / Delusional Disorder

10. Eating Disorders: Anorexia Nervosa / Bulimia Nervosa / Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS)

[zerogate]

The Treatment-Prevalence Paradox

More widely available treatment ought to abate the rate (and severity) of disease.

Take breast cancer, pitiless killer of over forty thousand American women each year. As early detection and treatment for breast cancer improved since 1989, rates of death from breast cancer plummeted. Or maternal mortality: as antibiotics became more readily available, rates of maternal death in childbirth collapsed. Better and more widely available dental care has meant fewer toothless Americans. And as we developed immunizations and cures for childhood illness, child mortality rates nose-dived.

And yet as treatments for anxiety and depression have become more sophisticated and more readily available, adolescent anxiety and depression have ballooned.

I’m not the only one to have found something fishy in the fact that more treatment has not resulted in less depression. A group of academic researchers recently noticed the same. They published a peer-reviewed paper titled “More Treatment but No Less Depression: The Treatment-Prevalence Paradox.” The authors note that treatment for major depression has become much more widely available (and, in their view, improved) since the 1980s worldwide. And yet in not a single Western country has this treatment made a dent in the incidence of major depressive disorder. Many countries saw an increase.

“The increased availability of effective treatments should shorten depressive episodes, reduce relapses, and curtail recurrences. Combined, these treatment advances unequivocally should result in lower point-prevalence estimates of depression,” they write. “Have these reductions occurred? The empirical answer clearly is NO.”

I checked with several of the paper’s authors. Two confirmed that the same might be said for anxiety. As treatment has become more widely available and dispersed, point-prevalence rates should go down. They have not. And while the authors admit that there was likely more depression in the past than we realized, they argue that there is at least as much, and probably more, depression now.

After generations of increased intervention, that shouldn’t be the case. More access to antibiotics should spell fewer deaths from infection. And more generally available therapy should spell less depression.

Instead, adolescent mental health has been in steady decline since the 1950s. Between 1990 and 2007 (before any teens had smartphones), the number of mentally ill children rose thirty-five-fold. And while overdiagnosis or the expansion of definitions of mental illness may partially account for this rapid change, it is hard to dismiss or contextualize away the startling rise in teen suicide: “Between 1950 and 1988, the proportion of adolescents aged between fifteen and nineteen who killed themselves quadrupled,” The New Yorker reported. Mental illness became the leading cause of disability in children.

Yes, the coincidence of these two trends—deteriorating mental health in an era of vastly expanded awareness, detection, diagnosis, and treatment of psychological disorders—may be just that: coincidence. It does not unveil a causal arrow. But it is peculiar. At the very least, it may provide a clue that many of the treatments and many of the helpers aren’t actually helping.

-- Abigail Shrier, Bad Therapy

#quotes