#recognize that management of symptoms is something not all of us can do - even IF their condition is labeled as 'easy to manage'

[uncanny-tranny]

I think it would really benefit people to internalize that mental illnesses are often chronic and not acute. Some of us will never be able to jump the hurdle of managing illness, much less sustaining a sense of normalcy. Many of us will never "recover," will never manage symptoms, will never even come close to appearing normal - and this is for any condition, even the ones labeled as "simple" disorders or "easy-to-manage" disorders.

It isn't a failure if you cannot manage your symptoms. It isn't a moral failure, and you aren't an awful person. You are human. There's only so much you can do before recognizing that you cannot lift the world. Give yourself the space to be ill because, functionally, you are.

#mental health #mental health advocacy #like... anxiety and depression are often concieved of as simple and easy to manage... #...but that isn't the case for so many of us. anxiety and depression just have a lot more research invested into them... #...and while i wish this were the case for literally every other condition it does alter people's perception of you to some extent... #...so while this is NOT solely about anxiety or depression it includes us... #...my anxiety and depression and PTSD have *destroyed* my life. this is chronic and will probably be life-long... #...and that isn't my fault. i've done the fucking work but guess what? that doesn't account for the fact that I Am Just ILL #the least we can do for each other is to be compassionate #be compassionate to those who cannot heal. be compassionate to the people who can't manage their lives. this world is scary enough #recognize that management of symptoms is something not all of us can do - even IF their condition is labeled as 'easy to manage' #i allowed myself to feel angry that i can't heal 'normally' and that was unfair as fuck toward myself #and i NEED people to internalize this so that MAYBE this could help somebody else who is where i was #i NEED them to understand that it's okay that they are where they are - sometimes shit just doesn't turn out how you expect or want #don't beat yourself over you being a person. you are struggling enough. you deserve to rest. just rest please #and just... give yourself space

[b0r3dtod3ath]

"Cause I <3 you, you’re the one that I adore :)"

Formula 1 masterlist

Word count: 1.4k

Summary: Assistant!reader x rdr!seb. Based on this request. Set during the 2012 season.

A/N: I know a few people wanted me to write this trope so here it is :) Also this fic is loosely inspired by BBM baby by Lana Del Rey.

“Yea, I still don’t understand why I need an assistant” Well this sentence certainly didn’t calm your anxiety as you were sitting on a chair, staring at the door. You were supposed to meet your boss, well not really a boss but a person you were supposed to help. He wasn’t just a random person, he was Sebastian Vettel, two-time world champion in Formula 1. You were a fan of this sport so when an opportunity for you to work in that field appeared, you took it without thinking twice. Maybe you weren’t one of the most important employees on the paddock nonetheless you still got to travel the world and be a part of every race week. “Sebastian, you were late for the last three meetings. I can’t be looking after you all the time.” a female voice said. You recognized it - it was Sebastian’s press officer. She was a lovely lady. You got to meet her because she was the one recruiting you. “So you are really getting me a babysitter?” huffed the driver. The door in front of you opened causing you to jump from your seat and put on a smile. “Hi! Nice to see you again! Come on in!” said the lady. As you walked in a tall, blonde boy sat up and introduced himself “Sebastian Vettel. You can call me Seb. Nice to meet you.” The eye contact made your cheeks heat up a little “Y/N Y/L/N, pleasure working with you”. As you sat down you heard Sebastian whisper a quiet “It sure is” under his nose.

You came up with the idea of a maximum of 10-minute long meetings after breakfast during the race weekend. They were meant for you to give Seb a quick overview for the day - what is he doing at what time. You were sitting at the hotel’s restaurant, waiting for him to show up, you didn’t expect him to show up on time but he barely managed to. “Hi, sorry. I hope you didn’t wait long” he said as he sat opposite to you. “Good morning, I’m fine, you are on time actually” you greeted him with a smile, chuckling at his messy bed hair. “So today you are supposed to first meet your physiotherapist and then” you were interrupted by sniffling. Probably a morning runny nose. You grabbed your small purse and handed a tissue to the man. “Thank you” he said, surprised that you noticed. “So then you have a first practice session at 1PM and..” - you quickly went over what was planned for the day “Alright, any questions? If you really want to move some meetings then let me know and I will try to figure out something. I’m leaving this paper for you to know what’s going on and I think that’s it.” you handed him a post-it note with everything neatly written. Cute writing he thought as he looked at it "There's also my number if you need something and I happen not to be around”. Oh yea, he was definitely gonna use this one. 

After a few races, you started developing a more casual relationship - it could even be called a friendship. The chemistry never left working hours. You didn’t understand why but it bothered you. Well, you noticed some signals - butterflies in your stomach appearing when you two held eye contact for more than a second, your heart skipping a beat when you accidentally touch or the heat rising to your cheeks every time he calls you by your nickname. You were a walking symptom of having a crush and yet you denied it. “I’m working for him, of course, we have to be nice to each other! He’s like that to every female reporter, a cheeky little bastard.” or “It’s his job to treat me nice.” you used to tell your friend on a phone, whispering as if Sebastian was to hear you. Little did you know, he has in fact changed his behavior towards women once you appeared in his life, he started being less flirty and reckless but not in terms of you. He would never tell you to do anything for him because it felt weird to him. At first, you were looking after him like he was a child - checking in if he was hungry or if he needed water. He never complained about being looked after because he found it comforting. He felt like you were truly caring for him, a feeling that he hadn’t felt in years due to his lifestyle. 

You would never call him unless he was late. Sebastian was in his hotel room, sprawled out on the bed, head with messy blonde hair buried in pillows. His peaceful sleep was interrupted by the sound of his ringtone. “Huh?” his eyes still closed “Seb, you were supposed to text me when you wake up so you won’t be late again. Please tell me you got up” your voice was a sound he wished to wake up for the rest of his life “Mrrh Dreaming? An angel called me?” he said half awake completely ignoring your tone “Great, amazing even. Vettel, wake up. I’m gonna come to your room in 10 minutes and please cooperate”. Even though you were the same age you sometimes felt like you were babysitting him. Sebastian obeyed you and got dressed. He liked to annoy you a bit but he would be cautious not to cause you too much trouble. You knocked on his door not expecting him to be ready. To your surprise, you were greeted by a fully dressed Sebastian holding his toothbrush. He gestured to you to come in. You have never been to his hotel room so it a bit personal. You stood in the middle of the room not knowing what to do. Your eyes wandered around the room which looked more neat than you expected - no clothes laying around and only his phone and a half-empty water bottle on his nightstand but the bed looked like a mess and you couldn’t judge him, after all he did wake up less than ten minutes before. The bathroom door was opened so you were able to observe him brushing his teeth. It was a thing he did everyday (even more than once!) yet it felt almost intimate. “Okay, let’s go” he said with a big smile once he finished and held the door for you. You were heading for a team meeting that you were also a part of. Your role there was to take notes that were handed to the driver later. Sebastian couldn’t take his eyes off you, sitting next to him as you wrote something important that he didn’t even hear. He loved to watch you in this state where you were so focused you barely paid attention to anything else. He loved the way you would tuck your hair behind your ear or play with a pen anytime there was something not worth writing down discussed. When the meeting was over you handed him the paper, he didn’t even look at it but the thing that caught his attention was your dress. It wasn’t revealing or stereotypically sexy - little flowers on a navy background, short sleeves and knee length just suited your personality in his mind. “Nice dress” he said, catching you off guard as you were saying your goodbyes. This weekend Sebastian finished P1 getting closer and closer to his next world champion title.

Next weekend was the last weekend before the summer break. Even though you had lost your hope in terms of your emotions towards Sebastian there was a little part of you that still wished that he would make some kind of a move. It was Saturday night, you had already showered and got yourself ready to bed. You heard a notification and looked at the screen of your phone. “I’m outside your door. Wanna talk to you. XOXO, Seb :)”. He himself didn’t know why he ended the text like that. He was just nervous and high on adrenaline. The message was followed by three gentle knocks on your door. You let Sebastian in and before you could say anything he grabbed your hands and said “I, I I think I love you. For the past few months you had been my sunshine. You make me happier. I adore everything about you, every single little detail. Please make me an even happier man and let me take you out for dinner. And wear that dress you wore last week."

#writers on tumblr #fan fic writing #f1 x reader #formula 1 x reader #sebastian vettel imagines #sebastian vettel x reader #sebastian vettel imagine #rbr seb

[cripplecharacters]

hello! do you have any advice on writing disabled characters in historical setting? specifically characters, whose diagnosis hadn't been discovered yet (for example I have a character with pots but they live before 1982)

Hi,

I love historical fiction, and know this can be a little tricky, because of course disability of various kinds has always existed and conditions are real before they’re named.

But you have options!

The most important thing, I would say, is describing the aspects of the condition and your character’s feelings and behavior around it (how they manage it, what they notice about it). You can also describe other people’s responses to how they feel and act.

You should definitely describe how your character feels about their condition. Do they wish there were others like them to talk to, do they actually already have a community of people similar to them, or do they wish no one else has what they have? Do they wonder if anyone they know is like them, or think they must be alone? Maybe they feel like their condition not a big deal at all and just an inconvenience, or maybe they feel really hindered by it and it greatly upsets them, or maybe they’re somewhere in between and sometimes get really frustrated and sometimes they feel it’s just a thing that happens.

And of course the answers to all of these will be different depending on your time period—someone with POTS in 1795 will manage their symptoms differently than someone with POTS in 1968, and the same goes for all conditions. But for POTS specifically, without naming it:

For the symptoms you can describe your character noticing that whenever they stand or sit up they feel their heart race and they feel dizzy or faint. They might not know why, but they’ll know how their body reacts.

You can describe what they avoid doing because they’ve noticed it makes them feel worse—maybe they take showers that are less hot, or go out as little as possible when it’s very hot/humid out, or maybe they don’t drink alcohol or coffee. Maybe it’s bad enough they can’t do some sort of work that is expected of them at their home, or their job, or school.

You can describe what they do because it makes them feel better—maybe they drink a lot of water, maybe they buy socks a size smaller because they noticed it makes them feel a little better, maybe they always give themselves an extra half hour to get anything done so they can stand or sit up more slowly. Maybe they take over someone else’s specific work because they can manage that better and trade with them.

As to other character’s reactions, some characters may be positive and always offer your character their arm when they’re standing so they can worry less about fainting. Some might be pretty neutral and just ask them why they never go grab a beer with them. Some might be negative and roll their eyes whenever your character needs extra time or to sit down for a bit.

People with POTS and similar conditions will recognize themselves in your character’s actions and reactions, and it’s very possible that people who have friends or family or people they know with POTS or anything similar will think “oh that’s kind of like what John Doe has.” And even if they don’t, they’ll still have read a realistic and respectful story about someone with a disability.

This goes for any disability, not just POTS. Just swap out the symptoms and ways to manage it and characters’ reactions accordingly.

Something you can choose to do, but you don’t have to do, is add a note at some point (but probably either at the end or the beginning of the story) that your character has what today we would know as POTS.

For an example I’ve seen in real life (not POTS related but about disability in general), I read a book set in the early 20th century in an institution, The Degenerates by J. Albert Mann. Since it’s a different time period, characters are referred to by terms we don’t use anymore at all or not in the same way, and many characters have conditions that we know about today but were not known at all at that time. What the author did was describe the characters’ actions (and thoughts, if they were the POV character), as well as how others reacted to them. At the end there was an appendix describing what each character might have been diagnosed with today, if anything at all (since not all people ended up at asylums because of an actual condition and some were just poor or Othered in some other way).

Thank you for your thoughtful question! I feel like I rarely see characters in historical fiction who have basically any disabilities, but thank you for wanting to create some :)

Good luck!

— Mod Sparrow

#mod sparrow #historical fiction #POTS representation

[ashisgreedy]

Professor Garreth Weasley x Female!MC

"A Potion Of You"

Tags|Contains: SFW | Fluff | Aged-up Adult chars like 21+ish | Old crushes die hard | Mutual Pining |

Word Count: 3,500 |Ch 2|

Chapter 1

The Three Broomsticks was more crowded than ever. She made her way into the bar, dodging and weaving people as she did. Her eyes scanned the patrons and landed on a familiar face.

“It’s been a while.” Sirona greeted her with a warm smile.

Her shoulders relaxed at the welcome sight. “Yes, it has.” She returned the smile, pulling Sirona into a friendly hug. 

It was warmer inside than it had been out in the cool night air. She welcomed the change of atmosphere, feeling the tip of her nose begin to thaw. 

“I didn’t think I’d see so many old faces in one night.” Sirona walked around the bar and waved her wand at the keg. “First round of butterbeer is on me.”

“Thank you.” She took a seat on the closest empty stool. “You said you saw other familiar faces here already. Do you know where they’ve gone? I’m supposed to be meeting up with some old friends but I’m a bit late.” 

She glanced around again but didn’t see anyone she immediately recognized. She figured everyone she used to know may all look much different anyway. They were older and more mature-looking now that they were proper adults and not children going through a slew of puberty symptoms. Regretfully, it had been years since she had last seen any of her Hogwarts friends. It’s not that she didn’t want to keep in touch. She did. But, her desire for adventure took her farther from the castle than she’d ever imagined. 

Her whole trip to Hogsmeade was a desperate attempt at seeking new opportunities. She wasn’t strapped for cash, but she was growing crazed for something new. The adventures she had as an adult were much less fun than when she was a teen. She grew bored of the humdrum and wondered if it would always be like that. 

When Amit saw her walking around town earlier in the day, she was promptly invited to the bar for drinks. Amit said a few others were in town for the weekend as well and that they should all meet up again for old-time's sake. It piqued her interest, of course. She wondered what everyone else was doing with their lives. She thought she could take some inspiration and find something she was passionate about like Amit had done.

She took a big swig of her butterbeer but she stopped when she felt a tap on her shoulder.

“Hey, stranger!” Amit greeted. He patted her on the back a couple of times boasting a huge grin. “I’ve been keeping an eye on the door to make sure I didn’t miss your entrance!” He shouted over the growing volume of the crowd.

“It’s good to see you again, Amit! Sorry, I am late. I got caught up chatting with the vendor up the road.” 

Chatting was one way of putting it. Truthfully, she was prying to see if there were any odd jobs she could take. A missing item? A recent troll attack? A possible kidnapping of a precious family pet?? Even if the task was small she was willing to pounce on it, as pathetic as she thought that might be. 

“Not to worry!” He laughed. “Oh! Can we get another round please?” He gestured to Sirona.

Sirona nodded, pointing her wand toward the keg. Amit pointed up the stairs. “Want to come join us? We’re just up the stairs on the first landing!” He swayed as he pointed. 

“Amit, are you sure you don’t need a glass of water or something instead?” She teased, grabbing her things as she stood. 

“OH! Come on! When do you think I will get to celebrate like this again so soon?! It’s good to see some old friends!” 

She followed closely behind him as he ventured back up the stairs. She wasn’t too sure who exactly would be joining them and found herself quite curious suddenly. 

“I want you to know that I had full confidence you would be joining us tonight! Unlike some people...” Amit squinted at Leander in acquisition. 

When he stepped out of the way she was able to see the ragtag group Amit had managed to wrangle. Her eyes scanned left to right waving and smiling at everyone. Her gaze stopped on another familiar face and she froze. 

“H-hey!” He stood, flame-red hair a bit longer than she remembered. His shoulders were broader and his face was more defined, angular. “You made it!” Garreth walked over to her and stood in disbelief. She wondered if he was going to hug her, but he remained at a respectful distance.  

“Hello, Garreth! It’s been a while since I last saw you. I don’t remember you being so…” handsome “...tall.” 

“Ah, yeah” he laughed, foregoing the idea of hugging her after all. “That tends to happen when you get older.” He looked over at Leander. “For some of us.” 

“Hey! I’m average height!” Leander balked. 

“Please, sit with us!” A brown-haired woman gestured. She recognized her face but couldn’t put a name to it.

“Yes, thank you… uh.” 

“Violet!” 

“Thank you, Violet.” 

Garreth ran his fingers through his hair and pulled out the nearest chair. “Yes, please have a seat.” He waited until she sat before he moved back to sit across from her. 

She settled in while he took a huge swig of his drink, banging the empty mug down onto the table when he was done. Garreth’s maroon tie was already loose and the top button of his cream shirt was undone. She drank in the sight of him, noting all the subtle changes since she last saw him. It was much warmer on the second floor of the bar. Everyone else's coat was already hanging off the backs of their chairs and their scarfs were removed. 

“Here you are.” Sirona came up behind them. She began to set fresh mugs in the center of their table. 

There were five of them now, all sitting together around a large rectangular table. Amit set to her right while Garreth and Leander sat directly in front of her. Leander was seated between Garreth and Violet. 

“What round are you guys on?” She asked, realizing just how flushed everyone looked. Amit was giggling at something Leander whispered. 

“What does it matter!” He threw his hands into the air. 

“One too many.” Garreth teased, pulling Amit’s new mug away. 

“Hey! Give that back!” He stood and reached after his butterbeer. 

Leander stood, held out his hand, and made sure Amit didn’t fall forward onto the table. “Maybe some peanuts for the table?” He suggested to Violet. 

“Yes, let me go see if there’s a bowl nearby.” She stood, smiling at the guy's antics. 

Everyone already seemed to be in such a good mood. She hoped it would rub off on her. She couldn’t shake the antsy feeling. Even now, back at her old stomping grounds, she was restless. Years ago, this place would have been a respite from all the activities she was always doing. Now, it WAS the adventure. 

Garreth leaned toward her and spoke in a low tone. “I think he was here for a while before we got here.” Angling his eyes to Amit. 

Leander nodded. “Much earlier.” He joined in a low tone. “He’s on the verge of getting tossed out of here.” He jested.

Amit settled back into his chair when Violet brought over the bowl of nuts. “So!” Amit began, slurring a bit. “What have YOU been up to these past few years.” He clapped his hands together, narrowly knocking over the bowl. Violet caught it just in time. 

She cleared her throat. “Me? Um,” She scoured her mind for anything in her life that sounded even remotely interesting. 

“Yes! What have you been up to?” Garreth added. “I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages.” 

“Your hair is longer.” Leander pointed out. 

“I keep it shorter now than how I had it in school.” 

Leander squinted. “Then you style it differently… or something?” He guessed, tossing back a handful of peanuts.

Garreth shook his head with a sigh. His smile was contagious and she found herself grinning too. 

“Do you work at the ministry? Or do you have your own shop?” Garreth pressed eagerly. 

“Well, no. I mean, I did work at the ministry briefly.” Very briefly… barely 3 days. She wondered how many of her jobs she should raddle off. “And, I helped out at a shop near where I live for a bit.” One time. “But, right now I mostly do odd jobs here and there.” She rubbed her hands on her legs. Her palms had begun to sweat. 

Garreth nodded thoughtfully. “You haven’t found anything you want to stick with yet?”

“Not yet.” She pressed her lips together. She took a large sip of her butterbeer and used her finger to wipe away any foam. “What do you do?”

Garreth smiled and began “Well, I-”

“He's a big shot professor now!” Amit blurted out.

“Oh?” She looked back at him with an impressed look. 

“Yep!” Leander clapped Garreth on the back. “He’s the potions professor now.” His eyes held a prideful glint for his friend. “I know, shocker.”

“That’s impressive, Garreth! How do you like it?” She asked, leaning in with interest.  

Garreth shook off Leander's hand from his shoulder and grabbed a fresh mug from the center. 

“I love it!” His leg hit hers under the table and he sat up straight. “Sorry,”

“It’s alright.” She smiled, waving him off. “Tell us how you landed that position.” She sat back and took another drink of her beer. 

“Connections!” Leander blurted. “Luck! Possibly even liquid luck!” 

“Shut it, Leander.” Violet quipped, tossing a peanut at him. “Just because you needed liquid luck to get your job at the ministry doesn’t mean everyone else needs it.” 

Leander fished for the nut Violet had tossed at him and ate it straight away. 

“Connections or not, Garreth is a very talented potions master now!” Amit spoke up. He had begun to sink into his chair while his eyes drooped. 

“Oh really?” She met Garreth’s emerald eyes. 

“If you can believe it.” He smiled kindly and held her stare. She could swear she saw his face redden a bit. 

Garreth was always chipper in school no matter the circumstances. Now was no different. It seemed like he’d always have a cheerful air. That was why she always gravitated toward him during their school years. Even on the hardest days, she knew he would lighten the mood and her spirits. 

“I believe it. I am so happy for you.” She leaned forward toward him and Garreth mirrored her. 

“I could give you a tour of my classroom sometime. If, I mean, If you are going to stick around for another day.” Garreth’s eyes glittered as he smiled.

“Oh.” She pushed her hair behind her ear. “I’m not sure how long I’ll be here.”

“Of course.” He sat back up. “I didn’t mean to impose or-”

“No, no! You didn’t. I would love to see your classroom. I just hadn’t thought about where I’d stay.”

Garreth leaned back in, smiling brightly again. “I’m sure Sirona could set you up with a room tonight.”

“This is so cute.” Amit sighed. “I still ship it.” 

“What?” She snapped her head toward Amit and pinched her brows in confusion.

“Amit.” Garreth spoke his name sternly. She wondered if he used the same tone with his students when they acted out in his class. 

“Bah!” He waved his hand. “It was years ago!” 

“What was?” She inquired. 

“Nothing- Amit!” Garreth spoke over Amit as he began to ramble.

“Garreth used to be so hopelessly in love with you.” Amit sighed, clutching at his heart. “It was so cute listening to him go on and on about if he should ask you out or confess to you. He had so many plans to ask you on a date and not one time did he follow through.” Amit laughed. 

Leander nodded in agreement.

“Amit that's enough.” Garreth glared at Amit, desperation in his tone. 

“I had… no idea.” She kept her gaze down and readjusted in her seat. Her foot hit Garreth’s knee as she tried to cross her legs. 

“We always begged him to just ask you out already,” Leander added. “He was so annoying about it.”

“Please.” Garreth’s voice was quiet.  

“I think that's enough, you two.” Violet pushed the bowl of peanuts toward Amit. 

“Yes yes, sorry. But that was ages ago” Amit began. “I just thought it had been long enough that we could talk about it openly.” Amit gestured widely at the table. 

There was a beat of silence. 

“If you don’t mind, I am going to get some fresh air.” She stood, smoothing her skirt down. 

Garreth buried his face in his hands. 

“I’ll go with you,” Violet added. 

“No, no. it's okay. It’s just getting a bit stuffy in here.” She turned toward the stairs. Her steps picked up speed the farther she went. 

The night air blasted her face and she could feel the hot blush that had been crawling up to her ears. Despite it being Garreth that everyone teased, she felt just as flustered. 

She took deep breaths, allowing the cool air to fill her lungs all the way before she exhaled. 

It had been so long since she thought about how she felt back then. She and Garreth were inseparable their last few years at Hogwarts. She always suspected that he might have a thing for her, especially when he always had some kind of gift to give her. But, when he never pursued her, she let it go. She chalked it up to it just being a personality trait of his, being flirty and kind. Even if he was just that way toward her and no one else. 

She crossed her arms and moved out of the way of the door to let people pass. A pang of regret radiated through her. Maybe she should have been the one to speak up while they were in school. Maybe then she wouldn’t have had to go stag to the yule ball. Her eyes began to sting as she stared up at the starry sky.

“Can I join you out here?” Garreth’s voice came from behind her. 

She tore her eyes from the sky to where the voice came from. He had fixed his tie and put his coat back on. 

“Of course, you can join me.” She shot him a small smile. 

“I hope that wasn’t too uncomfortable…” He rubbed his hands together. “I’m sorry for… all that.” 

“No, it’s fine, Gar.” His years-old nickname felt so natural rolling off her tongue despite it not being used in quite some time. 

“I want to make sure you are okay…” 

She nodded. “Thank you. I’m okay.”

“You got out of there pretty fast.” His smile faltered. “I felt the same. I’ve never wished for an invisibility potion more in my life.” His laugh sounded strained. 

“Oh? The new potion master doesn’t have every potion on him at all times?” She quipped, finding a bench to sit on. She looked over at him thoughtfully and then pat the seat next to her. Garreth quickly obliged. 

“That’s a great idea. I'll keep a bottomless bag of all my potions from now on. You never know when you might need them.”

She smiled as she looked down, digging her toes into the gravel. “Was it true?”

Garreth was silent. 

“Was any of it true?” She pressed again. “Did you really like me all those years?” 

He didn’t answer right away. He blew warm air into his cupped hands then fished through his pockets. “Is it okay if it is?”

“Garreth.”

He sighed, slipping gloves onto his hands. “It’s true… I’m sorry if that makes you uncomfortable. I never wanted you to feel that way around me.” 

“All those years? You liked me all those years and you said nothing?” 

His head dropped. Garreth licked his lips and nodded.  “I didn’t want to lose you… you were my best friend. I-”

The alcohol she’d downed earlier began to tingle in her head. She willed the butterbeer to help her calm down. She didn’t think she could handle her heart hammering any faster than it already was. 

“I had the biggest crush on you.” She rubbed her temples. Getting everything out in the air would be best. If this went south, It’s not like she lived here and she was going to bump into him again. She would get it out of her system at least. It was only fair since his dirty laundry was already aired. 

Garreth’s face lit up. “You did?!”

“I did. And, I always wondered if you felt the same way…” She clasped her hands together. “I mean I thought you felt the same… sometimes. But then you’d pull away again and I would be left confused.” 

A smile crossed Garreth’s face. 

“Did you doodle my name in your notebook?” He teased, relaxing more in his seat.

“Shut up.” She laughed, pushing his arm. “No, I didn’t.” 

“Liar.” He smiled so wide, his whole face lit up. “Well, that's too bad then.” 

“What is?” 

“It’s too little, too late. Right?” He put his hands behind his head and stretched.

“No... No. It’s not. Is it?” 

“It’s not?”

She shook her head. 

Garreth leaned closer to her. “So, if I asked you on a date tomorrow night, you would say yes?” 

“A date?” She searched his face to see if he was being serious. 

She studied him for a moment, bathed in the yellow glow of the lantern street light. Her eyes followed the curve of his ginger lashes as they curled upward, pointing to his well-kept brows. She noticed how the freckles closest to the center of his face were slightly bigger than the ones on the outskirts.

“Would you like to go on a date with me tomorrow night?” He spoke in a low tone. Not a hint of mischief in his words.

When she realized he was being serious, she nodded affirmatively. “I would love that.” 

Garreth returned her smile as a blush rushed across his cheeks. “I am so happy right now, wow.” He laughed. 

“Where are we going on our date?”

“Hmm,” He tapped his chin. ”May I keep it as a surprise?” 

“Sure. I’m fine with it being a surprise. Just let me know what kind of outfit I need to wear. I don’t want to wear heels if you’re taking me on a hike.” 

“Deal!” He agreed. “I’ll send you an owl first thing in the morning.” 

They sat for a moment in comfortable silence, gazing at each other. 

“This feels like a dream.” He reached over for her hand. 

She reached out, palm up, and accepted the gesture. 

“I can’t believe you liked me for so long and didn’t say anything.” She teasingly shook her head in disbelief. 

“I know. I was so stupid.” Garreth laughed. “I mean, if I knew what I know now, I would have asked you out ages ago. But…”

Her brows perked up as he fell silent. “But, what?” 

“I’m kind of glad we didn’t get together in school.” He rubbed his gloved fingers over the back of her hand.

“Why’s that?” 

“Because statistically speaking… we might not have still been together.”

“I see.” She leaned in closer to him, watching him trace the lines of her hand. The buzz from the beer had spread throughout her body. She felt warm under her winter coat.

Patrons continued to walk into the three broomsticks despite how late it was getting. 

“This place is pretty lively nowadays, huh?” She wondered out loud. 

“It really is. I think the population in the area has gone up a lot since we were in school. A lot more houses have been built.” Garreth bit his lip and dropped his gaze. Another group walked past them, laughing as they entered the building. “Would you like to go back inside with me?” Garreth asked. “Despite what happened at the end there, I was really enjoying catching up with everyone.” 

“Me too.” She nodded. “Yeah, I’ll go back in with you.” 

“Awesome! We will just make sure Amit and Leander are cut off for the rest of the night.” Garreth stood and offered her his arm. 

She laughed with him, linking her arm with his. “Deal.” 

—-------

A|N: I saw lil-grem-draws post about Professor Garreth and was obsessed with the concept!

Also, HI I'm AshWren! This is my first fic in almost 4 years. I forgot how much fun it is to write!

Thank you for reading!

Read Ch 2 here.

#garreth weasley #garreth weasley x reader #garreth weasley fanfic #my writing

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

another anti-psych post from your neighborhood patient-therapist

In my last post I talked about the kinds of basic needs people and communities have, and asked what it might look like in your community to meet those needs as a baseline. This time we're going to talk more about what happens when communities and individuals are chronically un-/under-served.

Okay so let's break it down this way. We're gonna try looking at just one medical symptom of chronic stress: autonomic dysregulation. It's not going to feel like we are, but I promise that's all we're doing. This is a *serious* symptom and it often comes clustered with others due to the way it functions within the body, which is why I think it is a useful case study here. Autonomic dysfunction, especially chronic dysfunction, can temporarily (though for long spans of time if the dysfunction remains chronic rather than acute) alter the functioning of other systems within the body such as the endocrine system, the reproductive system, cognitive functioning through the hippocampus and amygdala, and muscle functioning, nerve functioning, and others. It is no joke to suggest that long term autonomic dysfunction can often lead to major long term health consequences that are life altering for the person experiencing them. While some can be treated, managed, or even cured, not all can be and this is something I want us all to keep in mind as we consider the need for building communities that do not cause this kind of harm to their people.

Let's look at some potential medical outcomes of autonomic dysfunction, per the Mayo Clinic:

Dizziness and fainting when standing, caused by a sudden drop in blood pressure.

Urinary problems, such as difficulty starting urination, loss of bladder control, difficulty sensing a full bladder and inability to completely empty the bladder. Not being able to completely empty the bladder can lead to urinary tract infections.

Sexual difficulties, including problems achieving or maintaining an erection (erectile dysfunction) or ejaculation problems. In women, problems include vaginal dryness, low libido and difficulty reaching orgasm.

Difficulty digesting food, such as feeling full after a few bites of food, loss of appetite, diarrhea, constipation, abdominal bloating, nausea, vomiting, difficulty swallowing and heartburn. These problems are all due to changes in digestive function.

Inability to recognize low blood sugar (hypoglycemia), because the warning signals, such as getting shaky, aren't there.

Sweating problems, such as sweating too much or too little. These problems affect the ability to regulate body temperature.

Sluggish pupil reaction, making it difficult to adjust from light to dark and seeing well when driving at night.

Exercise intolerance, which can occur if your heart rate stays the same instead of adjusting to your activity level.

Some common comorbid conditions may include Diabetes, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, Parkinson's, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, or an autoimmune disorder. In each of these cases I want you to remember the lens of an individual body being denied, in some way, its base needs (an edocrine hormone, a nutritional component, the internal security of homeostasis, etc), to such an extent that it begins to experience an internal catastrophic failure, as this lens may often be supportive of accommodating your disabled comrades, or yourself, in the future.

I also want us to consider some common social statistics relevant to these conditions. Nearly 4% of the world experiences and autoimmune disorder. Most are women, and Indigenous, Black, and Latina women are at risk than most for several of these. In the United States, there are suspected to be 37.3 million people with diabetes. Diabetes is also considered an autoimmune disorder by researchers, and is one that the Indigenous, Filipino, Indian, Latine, and Black communities are all at higher risk for than white people are, however, risk is also heavily influenced by poverty, and by a family's location with respect to food deserts which grow more and more common. In a truly wild statistic, 80% of lesbians versus 32% of heterosexual women had polycystic ovaries in one study, and 33% of lesbians versus 14% of heterosexual women had progressed to PCOS. Some studies find that transmasculine folks are more likely to PCOS as well.

When we consider the marginalization these groups experience, and the way that marginalization plays out in the social forum, the political forum, in the financial forum, and in the emotional forum, are we really surprised to learn that it plays out in the embodied forum too?

This is what people mean when they talk about social murder. These are health conditions that don't just change lives, they end them. A system that churns out people so chronically sick that their bodies are desperately killing themselves trying to stay alive is a society that has become desperately sick. Diabetes is something we have attributed to individuals, to families, and even every once in a while to corporations, but at what point have we sat down and looked at a society that produces this murderous autoimmune disorder at such high rates and asked the real question: how are we making so many people sick?

The answers are many, and that can feel overwhelming, but I encourage you to start in one place and learn your way around it as well as you can before you even consider moving on. Maybe start with food deserts. They're probably familiar to you, you've heard about them in passing before I imagine, even if you're not really too into this stuff. But ask yourself WHY food deserts are able to exist? What are the mechanics of one being born? How does one stay free from the stain of a grocery store or food market? Are there any places like that near you? If so, what points of leverage might there be in that location for you to break the homeostasis of the food desert? How can you add your weight to efforts already occurring, or stir up sentiment around the idea of a new homeostasis where a grocery store exists? Can you put up flyers or attend town hall meetings? Can you knock doors or phone bank? Can you bring some sugar by your neighbors and comment how frustrating it is you all have to go so far to get your groceries and wonder what's up with that and maybe start scheming together? What kind of store should it be? Bring in a local market? A chain? Build a co-op or merchant's stalls for a four season farmer's market?

Get really into one idea, and get others in on it with you. I bet you aren't the only one who'd like a better status quo.

#anti-psych #chronic stress #food deserts #this one is still fuzzy i may come back to it

[ivyblossom]

Building ADHD Coping Strategies

I was diagnosed very late in life (I was 44), so I stumbled upon some strategies for coping with ADHD without knowing that's what I was doing. A late diagnosis is both immensely frustrating and kind of like winning a weird award at the same time. I live with regret about my lost "potential" and a lifetime of firebombing of my own goals, and wondering what I might have managed to accomplish by now if I'd known I was different, but I also get to have a not-insignificant amount of pride about what I've managed to accomplish in spite of having a fucked up brain.

To address the usual assumptions: no, my ADHD wasn't missed because I have "girl ADHD" or a milder, less disruptive version. I have severe, hyperactive-impulsive ADHD. Then as now, girls aren't given the same benefit of the doubt that boys so often are. Also, since ADHD is almost always inherited, my behaviour and struggles were never considered weird or concerning to my mother or to my grandmother, to whom my behaviour was completely familiar, so they weren't going to flag any of it as anything other than normal.

The first thing a diagnosis gives us is permission to take care of ourselves the way we need to. There were lots of things I would like to have done to help myself complete tasks, but they look to others like going overboard or overthinking things, and people always tell me that I'm going too far, so I didn't allow my coping mechanisms be what they needed to be. The diagnosis lets me ignore those criticisms and hesitations. All ADHD hacks and coping strategies seem like "too much" to other people, so I have accepted that that criticism is meaningless and ableist, and I let myself ignore it. That alone is probably one of the best reasons to get a formal diagnosis, and the best coping strategy I have.

If something I try fails, I begin with the assumption that the issue is a missing step in the process, not that I just didn't try hard enough. Self-blame is useless and an obstacle. If a process requires me to try harder, it's a broken process. The goal is to create systems that guide me towards success and feel easy and seamless, and blaming myself doesn't help me get there. I feel badly about hurting other people or letting them down, but I have stopped blaming myself. The problem was never that I didn't care or wasn't trying hard enough. It's just the wrong systems and missing steps. Instead of feeling guilty, I apologize and explain to the person I've harmed how I'm working to avoid repeating my mistake. They can accept that or not.

One of the additional complications of ADHD is that it impacts all the executive functions, and the ability to recognize that you're struggling with a task and why requires several of those. So one of the things I've accepted is that it's okay that I don't know why I'm struggling with something. I have spent my life making up reasons for my fuck ups that feel true, but that doesn't mean they are. I've embraced the fact that not understanding why something is hard or why something failed only means I don't understand how my deficits are at play in this situation yet, and I shouldn't make assumptions about what will and won't work. Now I try to design solutions based on a few core elements where I know I have deficits and see how it goes.

Having a deficit that impacts executive function means a person with ADHD will likely not recognize or be able to see their own symptoms. I never once even considered that I might have ADHD before the age of 40, and even then I only identified with the executive function issues, not "attention deficit". I do not have an attention deficit, and I have never felt distracted. I am always laser-focused on something, it's just that that what that is can change every 30 seconds (or not change for 30 hours) without me noticing. I can only recognize "distraction" (getting pushed off task by following an impulse) when medicated. If I could see that task-shift happening, I could choose to stop it and stay on task, but without medication, I can't. ADHD is a form of inner blindness, a struggle with self-awareness and limited tool set for self-control. So another way to cope is to accept that you don't know what you don't know, and parts of you are on an auto-pilot. But you can connect with yourself to recognize, understand, and control all of these things. It just looks weird when you do it. And that's okay.

Externalizing Habit Formation

I go with the assumption that I can't form habits. It's possible I can, but I find it more useful to assume I can't. If I can't form habits, then I need to find other ways to get habitual things accomplished regularly without needing to remember to do them, and without needing to think about it. I have externalized every habit I can, and I keep adding more. Externalizing basic stuff means I waste no energy trying to remember to do them, so I save my brain for bigger things.

I've found that the first task in any strategy is planning ahead, as much as that's an agonizing concept to wrap my head around. 9 times out of 10, if something doesn't work, it's because there's another, more basic plan missing that I need first. Like can't plan meals without having a list of meals I like handy. I can't do the recall and the planning at the same time. But that's okay: I can just keep lists of meals once I know I need that.

I build my habits in a spreadsheet, beginning with the things I wish I were doing and when, and guessing how much time they take. This is how I learned that I need 90 minutes to have the morning I want to have, and for years I gave myself 20 minutes to do it. And I wondered why that wasn't working!

My future self is like a floppy puppy, and I need to give that floppy puppy some structure to keep her going in the direction she wants to be going in. I need the floppy puppy to be a) rested, b) clean, c) clothed, d) fed on a schedule so that she can tackle the unplanned tasks of the day at her best, so I lay the groundwork so that the basics will be covered without her having to think about or remember to do any of it. For normal people this is just being an adult, but I am not normal people, so my process is different.

Figuring out what habits I should have sounds easy, but it's harder than I thought. I have spent many hours designing and testing ideal routines (morning, evening, weekly, etc.), and it quickly realized that not only was I expecting to just magically do all these things without planning or a prompt before now, I wasn't even completely sure what I wanted or needed to do at any given time, so no wonder I wasn't reliably doing any of it. Determining how to offload "habits" and design prompts for them instead is an ongoing task.

To outsource habit-formation, I designed programmed audio and light prompts in daily and weekly routines via smart speakers that I keep in every room of my home. I find audio more powerful than visual screen prompts, and designing them as routines means they are regular and continuous and don't require intervention from me. In sum, I program rooms to remind me what I should be doing, and to adjust the lighting accordingly. So lights will go off in rooms I shouldn't be in, and go on in rooms i should be.

Anything I want to do habitually (like wash my face, brush my teeth, take a shower, eat breakfast, prep my lunch, plan dinner, wash my sheets, etc.) I plan and program a timed, daily or weekly prompt for. There are really no limits on this. I started by building a morning routine of prompts to keep me on task in the mornings, and then an evening routine (lay out clothes for tomorrow, get tomorrow's dinner out of the freezer, etc.) I keep building more of them as time goes on. Not only does it keep me from having to remember what I need to do, it adds texture to time and helps me recognize that time is passing.

Sometimes just these reminder isn't enough. I have learned that sometimes, to keep myself on schedule, I need to disrupt my hyperfocus. Figuring out how to do that is a task in itself. I use smart plugs on all my lamps so that I can set them to switch off on a schedule. I have created a playlist to start playing when I should be switching tasks (and getting ready for bed). Finally, I created a routine to cut power to my TV at a certain time. I can switch it back on, but it's enough work that it shakes me out of a pointless next-episode loop if I'm in one. One of the most useful things I've done to help me get out of bed in the mornings is set the whole thing to start 5 minutes earlier than then giving myself the option to ignore it for 5 minutes. For some reason that works. Possibly it just stages the transition? Not sure.

I've recently learned that getting myself to make my bed the moment I get out of it is a good way to avoid getting back into it. Also, it makes my room look nice. Which leads me to...

Filling Necessary Tasks with Tiny Joys

In retrospect I can see that one of my first coping mechanisms is using enthusiasm to motivate myself. I can create enthusiasm about almost anything, and once I'm enthusiastic, I'm more likely to follow through on a task. I find deadlines and stress too stressful a motivator, so I opted with joy and delight instead.

I try to add elements of delight to things I need to do. A shower filled with products that don't make me smile isn't a shower I'll avoid exactly, but it's not one I'll be pleased to jump into. So I put time and energy into finding out what shampoo and soap that I love. I let myself have scent obsessions. For a while I wanted everything to smell like desserts, but at the moment I'm into citrus. Is this silly? Yes. But I indulge it because it's part of making necessary tasks easier to do.

I need to get myself to bed on time, so making my bedroom delightful is another indulgence to allow myself without guilt. That means paying attention to the aesthetics, and also to textures. I need to have clean sheets, and I need to have sheets I love that feel amazing. Currently really into silky bamboo sheets. And I will reject a laundry detergent, even if it's a full bottle, if the smell of it doesn't make me happy. Wasteful? Yes. But I will indulge myself in these ways because it's part of the joy-forward plan.

I have struggled with breakfast for years, but have now solved it, partly just by making time for it, and partly by properly planning for it, but also by making it as delightful as a can. I've been making myself a honey latte using this very bougie honey + bee pollen honey I found at the market, and do I ever look forward to that latte! It's a weird flex to see your fuck ups and respond by rewarding yourself, but I've found that joy and delight yields better results than any form of deprivation or punishment, and it's results I'm after.

Externalizing Working Memory and Recall

My life is littered with evidence that I have a limited working memory, but the concept of working memory is relatively opaque to us. What's the difference between short-term memory and working memory? How does recall fit in? Don't ask me! All I know is that I need to externalize more than I think I do, so when things go pear-shaped, I try externalizing more information to see if it helps.

One of the ways I've externalized information relates to food. I have a long history of planning meals, buying all kinds of lovely ingredients, and then letting them rot in my fridge. I've deduced that part of the problem is that when I'm tired and thinking about other things, I don't have the capacity to mentally go back into that plan and pull out the idea for this meal. That's too much mental work for me at that point in the day. (Could I conjure up an entire novel's worth of plot? Yes! But remembering what I had planned to eat for dinner? Nope.) Even opening the fridge might not trigger my recall. So now I have a whiteboard on my fridge where I write what meals I planned for the day so that I don't have to remember. It's always easier for me to pick from a list than the recall anything. So I give myself lists when I need them.

My most Helpful Purchases (so far)

Electric kettle: one that switches itself off. That way, if you forget you put the kettle on, no harm done.

Smart speakers: I use Alexa devices, but apple and google devices work basically the same way. You can build routines and have them triggered by command, or time, or proximity, etc. I haven't needed to use IFTTT to accomplish anything yet, but I'm ready to. I use my phone all the time, but I also abandon it randomly, so I find apps less useful for controlling my behaviour than audio and light signals in my home. Most of my habits happen in my home anyway.

Magnetic Whiteboards: for my fridge. I have two little ones.

Robovac: Somehow I'm just more likely to let Kyle my robovac run loose than I am to vaccum myself.

Solid shampoo and conditioner: it's less plastic and better for the environment, but mainly I use solid shampoo and conditioner because I can have a year's worth of it in my bathroom without looking like a hoarder. I have a tendency to hoard things I fear forgetting to have with me. Solid shampoo is small and lasts a long time if you let it air out properly. I stack a year's worth of them in a vase in my bathroom. It looks pretty and it smells nice, but it's actually there because I fear forgetting to buy shampoo and running out. This way I literally can't run out, and when I get to the point where I only have 6 months' worth, the vase doesn't look at pretty, so I re-stock months before I have to.

Multiple laundry baskets: You need as many laundry baskets as you sort into. If you do lights and darks, you need two. If you do lights, darks, and hot water wash, you need three. One laundry basket with three classes of item inside means more thinking required to do laundry, and that's an obstacle. So multiple laundry baskets.

Weekly pill dispenser: I currently take 6 pills in the morning. That seems like a lot, but it's really very mundane: 2 prescriptions (one is two pills to reach the right dose), an antihistamine, vitamin D, and black kohosh. That is too many pills for me to manage individually first thing in the morning. It was too many pills when it was 3 pills. That's too much faffing around, I won't do it consistently, or I won't do it properly more often than not. So I dispense my 6 daily pills into a weekly dispenser. I dispense each day's worth all at once into a beautiful earthenware egg cup, pop them all into my mouth in one go the moment I wake up, and then drink water from a matching beautiful earthenware cup. This means a) I don't need to remember to take them all, and I don't even notice how many of them I'm taking, 6 is the same as 1, b) I can easily add or subtract pills without altering my routine, c) there is beauty involved in the tools and that pleases me, d) I can confirm whether or not I took my pills that day because the dispenser has 7 slots in it.

Wireless phone charger: Why plug your phone in when you could create a home for your phone where a) you know where it is, and b) it charges?

Key dish: I keep my keys in a special dish (next to my wireless phone charger) to avoid the time and stress playing "the key game", where you try to remember where you put your bloody keys. I spent weeks deciding exactly what dish I needed it to be. I ended up getting a on-the-verge-of-hideous second hand candy dish made by a now-defunct factory where my family would visit in the summer, and the weird bowl on display in that borrowed cottage. So it reminds me of happy childhood memories. I love that ugly dish. The fact that it's meaningful seems trite, but that the meaningfulness helps me to remember to put my keys in it. Looking at it gives me happy memories, which helps me to remember to use it, and to remember where my keys are.

Valet stand: this is a piece of furniture. It has a shelf, rail, and a whatsit that looks like a hanger, a thing you could hang a jacket on. They make valet chairs as well and I want one. I use a valet stand to put my next day's clothes on. It's a place to put them, but also a reminder that I need to suit it up before I got to bed. It looks so refined, and it's better than hanging things off my dresser, I figure.

More to come!

#well this is long #adhd coping strategies #I just wanted to document these somewhere

[superhumanfoods]

if i have to keep saying it every single day until it gets through to people, i will:

people need hobbies. you, specifically, need to have hobbies. socially, emotionally, and psychologically, you need to do things just because you want to.

(CW: some discussion of the psychology behind disordered eating.)

when people talk about extreme burnout, when people talk about mid-life crises, the mistake they make is in assuming those are different things.

when a 20 or 30-something entrepreneur or influencer starts experiencing the productivity paralysis associated with burnout, that is not different from when a 50 or 60-something mid-level manager at a tech company starts experiencing the anxiety and restlessness associated with a mid-life crisis. the symptoms might look different, but when you peer deeper into the underlying issue that's causing them, the psychological distress these people are experiencing becomes indistinguishable.

it's a form of starvation.

"there is nothing in my life for me."

your job is not for you. your profit is not for you. your hustle is not for you.

these things are for your financial security, your sense of status in your community, your feelings of achievement and self-worth. and that's fine. those are all good and necessary things.

but they're not for you, because you are not the work you do or the money you make or the people who admire you.

you are the quiet, strange, harmless little urges that strike you in those moments when you are left alone with yourself.

you are the you who once alphabetized your friend's DVD collection, completely unprompted. you are the you who once spent three hours on a single level of tony hawk's pro-skater trying to see how badly you could bug out the map. you are the you who doodled in the margins of your high school notebooks even though you never thought of yourself as a particularly good artist.

you're not a machine. you're a weird little animal called a human being, and sometimes, you will need to do silly little things that other people might not understand.

preventing yourself from doing so is a form of self-harm.

a person who has begun to recognize that their life is completely absent of pointlessly joyous things becomes an animal that has realized it is caged without understanding what the cage is.

they feel restless and listless and like something terribly important is missing or needs to be done, and they usually can't explain why, because getting to that point requires you to go all in on the idea that uselessness is the same as worthlessness.

that there is no space in your life for pointless things. that everything needs to have some form of value in how it serves your goals.

treating things that way turns every hobby into a hustle, even if money never changes hands.

you start treating everything like a job.

and that can ruin you. it can make you incapable of understanding how to engage with the things you enjoy just to enjoy them.

everything starts getting weighed on this internal scale of functional use and valued accordingly, and that leaves very little room for things that bring you joy and nothing else.

it's an incredibly hard mindset to unlearn, and i have some suspicions that the damage it does to your mind might not be completely reversible.

i used to struggle with disordered eating.

there are elements to the grind culture mindset that are frighteningly familiar to me. the attitude towards self-deprivation is the same. it's exactly the same. it's like a self-deprivation mad libs: swap a couple words out and you can't tell what it started out as, because it could be either.

and i think that's because when you deprive yourself of things that you have decided are not strictly necessary, it can make you feel powerful. accomplished.

and yes, it can be hard. it can be punishing. but that specifically is what gives the illusion of having achieved some sort of control.

there's this thought of it being your body, your life, and now you are one step closer to shaping it into your version of perfection.

but that's never going to happen. there isn't an end point. there won't come a day when you are satisfied with what you've achieved.

because it and you are not becoming anything.

all you're doing is starving yourself.

and if you do it long enough, there's a chance you're going to spend the rest of your life relearning how to chew. a very real chance that you will never be normal again. that you will never truly be free again.

that those thoughts may slowly diminish, may fade into the background, but will never truly leave you. that they'll catch you off guard, even years later, in moments where you truly believed you were done getting better.

sure, you can technically live on the bare minimum. but what's the fucking point? what does it achieve, in the end?

what does it get you that's worth what it cost you?

fuck grind culture.

the hobby is mandatory.

i don't care if it's crochet or cooking or pointillism or pressing flowers. i don't care if you're laying out every pencil you own in order of length in a line on the floor or creating an elaborate rube goldberg machine with household items.

take up scrapbooking. play trashy dating sims. write trashy romance novels and jumpscare your family with them when you die.

write fanfiction. make a blog dedicated to roleplaying as a bog witch.

i don't care.

i don't care what you're doing. all that matters is that you're doing it because it seems like it would be fun or satisfying to do, and that's it.

you need hobbies. it doesn't matter what they look like.

but you need hobbies.

#CW disordered eating #disordered eating mention #grind culture #the goblincore people have it right #collect rocks #scream at the moon #for the love of god just let yourself enjoy things

[ask-spider-man-61610]

Specs, you’re a good spider, right? At the very least, you’re a hell of a lot better than I am. You don’t need to get down here, we’ll handle ourselves just fine. I need.. I need advice.

How do you steel yourself for the most horrible things you’ll ever see? I feel like a child to admit it but I’m finding.. difficult.. to move forward. I know what I must do to survive down here and for the most part, I was managing this just fine.

But something about my last encounter hit me in a way that I wasn’t anticipating. I recognize it from what I’ve seen from my father when he came back from the war; I believe the term for it is “combat fatigue”. Not a doctor by any means, but I’ve seen it in action for a long enough time to draw some connections to it.

But unlike my father, I don’t really.. have a place to rest. How do I convince the rest of myself to keep going in spite of this?

- @ask-percyparker

I wish there was an easy answer, Perce. I really do.

I've been in that position...a few times over my career. Or maybe a few hundred. I haven't really kept track. I understand the feelings of...of numbness, hypervigilance, lingering fear and anger and guilt...in my time period, it's not called combat fatigue anymore. Its official name is post-traumatic stress disorder. And, if you're very, very lucky, time and distance will eventually take some of the edge off.

I'm not lucky. But that's beside the point.

Methods of managing it--ignoring therapy as an option, because in your case it isn't--tend to be slipshod, and their effectiveness tends to vary. Sometimes the stuff I do works great, sometimes it's all but useless. When I was fifteen and my symptoms were just starting to get debilitating, Aunt May taught me some exercises with controlled breathing that I still use to settle myself during an episode. Talking to people I love and trust takes a lot of the weight off my shoulders...although, I'll admit, it takes some effort and bravery to make myself start those conversations. You've got Theo and MJ; allowing yourself to lean on them will help more than you can imagine, even though I know every instinct you have is terrified of being that vulnerable. It's hard, but it's worth it. Usually.

And to brace myself for the future?

...That's even harder. I'm not sure there is a good way to do it. But what I do is keep those loved ones close to my chest, and keep myself focused on why I put myself through this fuckery.

I was an awful, awful kid in my first few months as a vigilante; mostly just out there to vent my frustrations and get some photos to sell and ease that knot of guilt in my stomach about what happened to Ben. And because I was in it entirely for myself, those first few disasters hit harder than I think they would've now. I almost quit like a dozen times back then. But eventually I started to realize how many people my selfishness hurt, and how much I could genuinely help if I tried, and I started to understand my...my obligation to help where I could. My responsibility.

I won't say that understanding and accepting that responsibility made me a better person, because I'm not sure it did. But it did give me the strength to keep trying. To push forward and roll with the punches, because I wasn't just doing it for me anymore. I can't promise it'll do the same for you--but it might be a start.

#specs #spidersona #Percy Parker | Spider #ask

[mysticmoon02]

Splitting in borderline personality disorder

What is splitting?

To simply put it, splitting is a psychological defense mechanism for a person with BPD.

“Splitting” means seeing a person either as all good (“they are the best partner/friend ever!”) or all bad (“do they even like me/know me at all?! I am so upset I feel like ending this”). The switch from idealization to devaluation.

Splitting allows a person with BPD to tolerate extremely difficult feelings (e.g. rejection, perceived abandonment).

What causes splitting?

Splitting occurs when something happens that triggers a person with BPD. This trigger can seem small or harmless to the average person but usually refers back to previous trauma where the person felt extremely lonely, rejected or abandoned.

People with BPD tend to respond in emotional extremes, any small or negative thing (change in tone of voice,body language or even just taking long to respond to a text/not responding) causes feelings of insecurity and discomfort which can lead to Splitting as a way to emotionally protect themselves from re- experiencing trauma.

Examples of splitting

*you are either “perfect” or “evil”

*something “always” or “never “goes right

*you are “always” or “never” here for me

As people with BPD may even split on themselves and either think they are the worst person ever characterized by extreme self hatred, or they feel they are the most amazing/ intelligent person characterized by the BPD “god complex.”

Symptoms of splitting

Note: a person with BPD often experiences emotional dysregulation, which means they are not able to manage their emotions like someone without BPD. Therefore, when a person with BPD splits they usually act in a way that falls outside of a “normal” response. Please be understanding.

*feelings of disappointment or betrayal

*feeling unloved, insecure, rejected, or abandoned

* becoming angry or withdrawn/isolating themselves by not responding to messages, answering very shortly or uncharacteristically or being argumentative

*they may even become very angry at themselves

*engaging in impulsive/ dangerous activities to manage extreme feelings of anger or sadness

How to help a loved one who is splitting

*don’t become angry, defensive, or ignore them. This will cause the person to split even more. The best thing to do is to recognize when they are splitting and to stay calm.

*setting boundaries are important BUT so is validating and reassuring the person with BPD that you are not abandoning them or rejecting them and letting them know that you still care about them.

*once you reassured them, it is a good idea to suggest that they take some time to calm down before discussing what might upset them.

*through clear and constant communication, you can really help the person with BPD regulate their emotions.

Please note this about splitting!

Splitting is in no way a choice! We do not split to Manipulate or seek attention.

People with BPD experience intense and overwhelming emotions and struggle to intergrate good and bad feeling because they are so big to us.

Splitting is a subconscious mechanism that allows people with BPD to deal with emotions that are contradictory.

#recovery #mental health #quiet bpd #bpd support #bpd facts #bpd recovery #bpd awareness #bpd #actually bpd #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #quiet borderline

[raiiryuu]

HEADCANON: Bane Particle Exposure

Laxus was fully prepared to not make it back, once he'd made the decision to try and save the others. His life wasn't as important, as long as they lived. You can see the absolute desperation in his face when he's swearing he won't let anyone else die on his watch. His guild has hurt enough, and part of it was his own fault -- like hell is he going to just watch it happen again.

Freed is more resistant to those particles than the others due to the nature of his magic, similar to Laxus himself. They both know that. So Laxus gives him what, at the time, he assumes is his final order: get them home. Not us, he's not included in his thinking at all. [Also, HUGE fucking props to Freed for managing what he did, holy shit. King.]

Not a lot was going through his head while he did that, after that conversation. He didn't have time to think; that level of intake meant he pretty much immediately went down. But the last thing he expected was to wake up. It was brief, at first, just flashes of semi-consciousness and pain, but he recognized he'd somehow survived, and that he was hearing voices from the guild. He finally did wake up, in a hospital instead of the guild's infirmary, in the scene where he grabs the Raijinshuu. That is a rough point, as things are catching up to him. His team is fine, that's the most important thing, but they almost weren't. It's in that moment that he's looking back on everything that's happened, on the things he's done (and hasn't), and finding new resolve.

Laxus didn't hear about what actually happened in that town until later. A small part of him had known, on some level, but hearing of the damage and the death toll left him feeling hollow for a while.

He could never do enough.

This line of thinking and his newfound determination to actually keep his family safe is part of why the team goes to Blue Pegasus, after Fairy Tail is disbanded. Despite the initial misery of the more host aspects, he could tell even just from the Games how pretty much the entire guild looked to Ichiya as a reliable ally, and he was there to find out why, to follow that example.

What he didn't expect was for the Raijinshuu to, once again, connect with the guild in a way he couldn't seem to.

Very few people outside the Raijinshuu themselves and Porlyusica know anything of just how bad he got fucked up, after what he did, Gray being one of them. The flare-ups that still plague him can affect various things, though the most common is his breathing. Sometimes it's stomach pain and nausea, not being able to keep food down for days. Sometimes it's more general chest pain, feeling like something huge is trying to crush his ribcage. Sometimes it's just strain, that horrible sensation that he can't get air into his lungs despite him breathing (mostly) fine. The side effects are fading slowly but surely with treatment, but it's very likely it won't ever fully heal, and he's accepted that. If having this new lease on life comes with a few caveats, he'll take them in stride, and he knows his team will have his back. Part of his resolve has come from them, as well -- though it's not something he enjoys, he doesn't hide when he's feeling off from them. He's surprisingly open about it, though he does still tell them it's nothing to worry over.

[Interaction dependent: All three are aware of the general prognosis and treatment, for Laxus and for themselves, and likely have some kind of reminder system for each other when it comes to it.]

But the worst, to him, isn't any of the medical symptoms. It's that sinking sensation that this is all some sort of comatose delirium, and that he'll wake up and find everyone else dead around him. It's that biting, blood-freezing terror that makes him get up in the small hours of the morning and check that the team's okay -- even if he has to travel to do it, if they're not close by. He knows he's not the only one that feels that way -- sometimes he meets one of the others in the hallway, and there's a meaningful glance shared, but rarely any words. Nothing needs to be said, on nights like those, but sometimes he does anyway:

I'm glad you're okay.

#;;mythos { headcanons } #this took a WHILE to iron out in my head but. YEAH. ouch. Didn't need my heart tonight.]

[xxlovelynovaxx]

I am (very politely) begging other delusional and psychotic and schizophrenic people to stop stating things like "delusions are incredibly distressing" and "being schizophrenic is hard and miserable" and "psychosis is not something anyone should want to experience/talk about as a pleasant experience" as absolutes. I know it's almost always an honest mistake, but it still leaves people like me feeling incredibly isolated.

Some of my delusions are mildly distressing. They'd probably be significantly distressing if I hadn't already gone through years of therapy for help with things like intrusive thoughts and depression/anxiety (treatment for those two in particular helped me recognize not all thoughts are "true").

Most aren't. Most aren't even neutral. They're pleasant. I vibe with them. They're still absolutely delusions, like believing I am physically fae*, that I exist simultaneously in multiple realities and can move between them as a deity-like entity, that THIS reality has multiple layers and what is called "reality" by most people is just one of them (and that two mutually exclusive things can be true because of this), that most if not all objects are sentient but simply communicate differently than humans, that system-hopping is possible (but should only be done consensually)...

*note: my otherkinity is partially due to being delusional, and that's okay. psychological otherkinity is just as valid as spiritual otherkinity and if you exclude delusional otherkin from the community you're just a garden variety ableist.

None of these are difficult for us or cause any dysfunction.

The damned negative and cognitive symptoms of our schizophrenia are a pain in the ass, but we're managing them. It's not like we don't have other diagnoses that have upsides and downsides - ADHD, autism, DID, BPD...

Like, I want to be experiencing my delusions while I'm experiencing them. Even some of the distressing ones! I want to continue to experience them! Being schizophrenic, psychotic, and delusional CAN be hard, the delusions CAN be distressing, but to phrase it implying that they are for everyone all the time not only is active misinformation, but it also is erasure of a not insignificant part of the delusional/psychotic/schizophrenic communities.

And it's literally so easy to fix. "MY delusions are incredibly distressing". "Being schizophrenic is [often/sometimes] hard and miserable". "Psychosis is not a pleasant experience for many of us".

Also, for the love of gods, don't EVER fucking tell a schizophrenic/psychotic/delusional person that they're romanticizing their disorder/symptoms/neurotype just because they experience nondistressing delusions or talk about enjoying their psychosis or gods forbid have experiences that are close to a stereotype, etc. And since that goes hand in hand with fakeclaiming, don't fucking do that either. You do that around us, you'll catch a block so fast your head will spin. This paragraph alone is not being asked politely. This paragraph is a warning.

Just please remember that your experiences aren't universal. In fact, if you've said stuff like in the first paragraph, much of your experiences are only the dominant experience in white western culture, as I talked about on another post. At least for schizophrenia specifically, in other cultures, it's common for delusions/hallucinations to be pleasant or at least not scary and painful.

But even living in a culture where it is common, aside from the fact many people will just go undiagnosed if they don't have the typical distressing delusions and won't recognize them as such, there are still plenty of people that don't share that experience. Please remember that we exist, that some of us experience both, too, and that all of us are facing the same ableist society anyway so we might as well take care of each other, especially when it's as easy as inclusive language.

#delusions #endel #posic #reality shifting #otherkin #psychological otherkin #system hopping #double bookkeeping #psychosis #schizophrenia #ADHD #BPD #DID #inclusion #ask to tag

[infamousbrad]

Brad's Food Pellets: the HDR?

Statement of the Problem: C-PTSD and Orthorexia

Most Recent Experiment: Military-surplus Humanitarian Daily Ration packets?

I have recurring bouts of pervasive anhedonia, probably related to C-PTSD and definitely made worse by the texture sensitivity of my autism-spectrum disorder. One of the major impacts of this on my life is that I have severe difficulty staying fed: I have days, sometimes multiple in a row, where the thought of eating anything makes me gag. Eventually, when I'm on the point of collapse, I'll choke down some of the fattiest, most sugar-sweetened food there is just to keep from getting falling over or passing out, if that's all I can stomach. But that ends up making things worse, because it's not satisfying and it's even more depressing.

This has been made worse in recent years by seemingly non-stop pressure to lose weight, despite the absence of any scientifically demonstrable way for me to do so. In the last year or so, this has manifested as what I recognize to be the symptoms of orthorexia, food-avoidant behavior driven not by desire to get thin but by fear of "eating something that's wrong."

One way that I've been trying to manage this is by experimenting with what one of my closest friends calls "Brad's food pellets." These are food solutions that are as nutritious as I can make them while meeting several criteria: high shelf stability, low price, and perhaps most importantly, lowest possible prep time, cooking time, and cleanup time. If food's going to be gross no matter what I do, I need to at least get it over with quickly.

I found out via a Reddit blog post that there is a now 20+ year old collaboration between the big-three military-ration companies, at least three US government agencies, and at least two big disaster relief charities to continuously improve something called the Humanitarian Daily Ration: a salmon-pink nigh-indestructible self-padded heavy Tyvek envelope containing 2200 calories' worth of vegetarian, kosher, halal, nutritious, varied food that can, if necessary, be eaten with no additional preparation, for a maximum of $5 per day.

The collaboration hasn't settled on "good enough" and based on user feedback, they've revised the menu at least three times that I can find evidence of, not counting the one that's in progress right now. Because there's a new 2023 formulation (more infant-friendly food in every packet, substitution of sesame for peanuts), huge stocks of the 2011?-2022 formulation are being dumped onto the military surplus market right now. The State Department, the Army, FEMA, the Red Cross, and the UN High Council for Refugees are rushing to stock up on the 2023 formulation as fast as the big-three "MRE" companies can make them.

So it's trivially easy, if you search online, to find multiple vendors offering to ship a crate of ten 2022-model HDRs for $50 or less, including shipping, even though they're explicitly not intended for general civilian use. I decided to see if these would make acceptable "food pellets" and ordered what turned out to be "menu B," the one that primarily comes from the vendor Sopakco. Which crate you get is deliberately random, they're not labeled on the outside, and online reviews suggest that "crate B" is the worst of the three, so this makes a good worst-case experiment. It came with:

10 packets of unfrosted brown sugar Pop-Tarts, two per packet

10 peanut butter packets and 10 strawberry jam packets (bread not included)

16 packets of ultra-concentrated mildly-spicy tomato soup in three different flavors: lentils with rice, black eyed peas with rice, and lentils with potatoes and mixed vegetables (or as I said after adding the red and black pepper, "three different flavors of vegetarian chili")

4 packets of ultra-concentrated mild yellow curry with rice & lentils

10 packets of large saltine crackers flavored with powdered mixed vegetables, two per packet

10 large shortbread cookies

10 large cinnamon-oatmeal cookies

20 ingredient lists printed on heavy card-stock, and

10 "accessory" packs, each of which contains one plastic spoon, one napkin, one wet-wipe, one salt packet, one ground black pepper packet, one large red-pepper flake packet, two sugar packets, and a pack of paper safety matches.

Yes, the breakfast and both deserts are identical every day and, frankly, not great. The cookies and the Pop-Tarts are astonishingly dry and crumbly for the crate still having more than two years left on its "best used by" date. The Pop-Tarts and the shortbread cookie are also awfully bland for something that's going to be eaten every day. (Which is why they've been replaced for 2023 with tastier options.) At least the cinnamon-oatmeal cookie, dry and crumbly as it is, is very flavorful.

Each daily packet includes two of the concentrated-soup entrees, with a predictable rotation, but guaranteed not to be the same two days in a row. I can reconstitute one in a small saucepan, with half a packet or so of water, on an induction cooking plate in not much more than a minute, and once I crumble in one of the two daily crackers, it's an astonishingly tasty meal, enough that it cuts through both of my food-aversion issues, with zero cognitive/emotional load on me -- just grab one of the two that the packet chose for me.

2200 calories a day turn out to not be enough to satisfy me on some days, but I have previous "food pellet" experiments that I can pad out a menu with. I can write those experiments up, if there's any interest in the reblogs or comments?

But for now, I think I have, if not a solution, a reasonably well-tolerated treatment. As long as they're available on the military-surplus market, I'm going to re-order a crate every time I drop below four packets left. And, specifically:

On any day where it takes me longer than two hours to persuade myself to eat something, anything, for breakfast, it means I'm having one of "those" days, so I'm going to open another HDR packet and eat whatever it gives me.

#c-ptsd #autism #orthorexia #humanitarian daily ration

[theygender]

Bruh I've known for years that I have visual processing issues (separate from my actual vision problems) but I never really looked into the specifics of how it works before. I know sometimes, especially when my brain is tired, I have trouble making sense of shapes and separating the foreground of images from the background. So I can see the image perfectly fine but I can't make out what it is, even if it's something that should be very obvious like a singer crouching at the edge of a stage (actual example). Those moments are a lot like auditory processing issues, where you can technically hear what someone is saying just fine but your brain can't parse it into words. And when I'm having a lot of trouble with this sort of thing, image descriptions are helpful for me. I figured that was just what visual processing disorder was right?

Well now I'm reading more about it and it turns out that there are 8 different types of visual processing skills and VPD can affect any of them. The issues I just described would fall primarily under visual foreground issues bc it stems mainly from not being able to distinguish the foreground (singer) from the background (stage and audience). But it probably also involves some visual closure issues bc I have trouble figuring out what the full shape is if part of it is cut off (like if the singer is kneeling in such a way that not all of their limbs are fully visible), as well as form constancy issues bc I have trouble recognizing familiar shapes if they're in an unexpected position/context (singer kneeling close to the audience instead of standing on stage)

Reading more about form constancy has got me really mind blown actually. I have a lot of quirks that I always just attributed to autism/ADHD. I can't find objects in plain sight, for one thing, especially if they're in a different location than normal. I can set something down on a table right out in the open and almost immediately lose it if there's other objects nearby for it to "blend into." If I'm looking for something in a cabinet or the fridge or even just on a slightly crowded counter I have to ask my gf to remind me what color it is so I can just pick out the color, bc otherwise I can look forever and not find it. Even if I make a conscious effort to check each individual item, I can look right at it multiple times and still not process that it's the object I'm looking for. I have to make it a habit to always put things back in the exact same spot bc otherwise I can't see them. The other day I went to get a new roll of toilet paper from our toiletry shelf and I thought "damn, we're almost out, I better order some more." I didn't realize until I bought a new box and went to stack it on the shelf that there was already an entire new box right there, just slightly to the left. And this isn't even "tired brain" processing, this is my everyday normal

And apparently... that's all described as symptoms of form constancy issues? Like, some of the things optometrists warn parents to watch out for when determining if their child has VPD are "difficulty finding missing items quickly even if they are in plain sight" and "difficulty recognizing objects when placed in a new location"

Another issue I have is a ridiculous inability to orient myself, know my way around familiar places, or understand where I am in relation to other places. I still have to use GPS to get to shops near my home that I've been going to for years and I have no idea what direction anything is in. My gf and I once had some fun playing a game where we stood in our living room and she asked me to point in the directions of things like "the store across the street" and "the entrance to our apartment complex" and "the mailboxes" and "the dumpster by our building" and I was unable to get any of them correct. Part of it is bc even if I DO manage to memorize my way around somewhere it's just a single-line map telling me when to turn to get from point A to point B and it falls apart if I try to come at it from any other angle, and part of it is due to an inability to judge distances (I have taken the extreme long way around on multiple occasions bc I couldn't tell that "just around the corner of that side of the building" was a shorter distance than going around the opposite side of the building, circling around the back, and then coming in from the other direction)

...Turns out that another aspect of form constancy issues is "difficulty judging distances" and "difficulty picturing objects at different angles." Aaaand during this research I happened to stumble across a site with little baby games to help young kids with visual processing issues practice to improve their form constancy skills and uh. It's kinda kicking my ass 😭

I learned some FUN things about myself tonight lads

#prosopagnosia (faceblindness) also falls in the visual processing issues category apparently which. makes sense i guess? #im just kinda shocked that all these issues might be related tbh #like i had always thought of it as three separate things: faceblindness—spatial reasoning issues—visual processing issues #with the visual processing issues being the least impactful on my life bc it only really affected my ability to discern images #and usually only acted up significantly when my brain was particularly tired #but. apparently vpd is a much wider spectrum of issues than i even realized and it may be Causing the other issues? potentially?? #idek what to do with this information tbh. it changes functionally nothing except that i can put a name to my experiences #ive already naturally worked out accomodations to make my life liveable with these challenges #like using my GPS everywhere and always putting items back in the same spot so i dont have to rely on sight to find them #and luckily i have a partner who is very patient and always willing to help me when i inevitably have trouble anyways lol #but this is definitely. some knowledge i guess #ill probably at least bring this up to my therapist but this may be outside of her wheelhouse 😅 #rambling

[tombstone-pisa]

blankshipping reunion thoughts

I usually write their reunion as Emmet finding Ingo but there's honestly something really tasty about them being reunited by pure chance. So here's some stuff for that!

Emmet searches for Ingo for years. He uses up most of his savings chasing leads that go nowhere. Eventually, he's told that if he doesn't return to his place as a subway boss the city will have no choice but to shut the battle subway down. He can't bare the thought of Ingo coming home to find that the subway failed and so he goes back.

Since Arceus hates Emmet, it's only when he stops searching actively that Ingo actually reappears. An employee reports to Emmet that there's a strange light coming from one of the closed tunnels - the same one that Ingo disappeared into. And Emmet shows up and finds a confused, disheveled Ingo. Initially, he thinks he's hallucinating. Then the weird pokemon (is that a sneasel??) accompanying Ingo starts growling at him.

Ingo... doesn't quite recognize him. Emmet can't move, can barely breathe as Ingo approaches. When Emmet doesn't flinch away, Ingo reaches up and cups his face. Turns his head left and right. And then says (in the most heartbroken tone that Emmet has ever heard from him) that Emmet is the man who he's been dreaming of, but Ingo still can't remember his name.

Seeing the tears in Ingo's eyes breaks the spell over him. Emmet hugs him tight. He takes Ingo (and Sneasler) home. The two of them spend the night together and Emmet shows Ingo all of their old pictures in an attempt to bring back a bit of his memory. He reintroduces Ingo to their pokemon. He starts to remember a few things. They cry a lot. Chandelure won't leave Ingo's side. Archeops is trying to fit his whole body on Ingo's lap.

Eventually, Lady Sneasler and Ingo crash on the couch together. She's curled up protectively around him and Emmet is grateful there was someone else looking out for Ingo.

The next day, they go to the hospital. It was supposed to be a quick visit before they went to close the missing person's case but the doctors just keep finding more and more. The worst of the injuries are old but they never quite healed right. Ingo has to go through a lot of tests. Emmet's presence is the only thing that helps him keep it together since it's all very confusing and scary when he barely remembers anything about modern Unova. The worst are the ones where Emmet can't be in the room with him - the CAT scans and MRIs.

The biggest concern is his back. Emmet feels sick especially since just last night he'd been teasing Ingo for slouching. He's also got some scars that are hurting him because they were inflicted by poison-types or similar pokemon. At the very least his brain damage is almost completely healed with almost no long-term symptoms! Emmet doesn't take hearing THAT well since he didn't even know Ingo had brain damage.

Ingo what do you MEAN you haven't been doing anything for pain management, no wonder you look so tired what the fuck-

The police come and talk to Ingo. Afterwards, he's sent home with a prescription and a referral to a pain management specialist. Ingo tries to tell Emmet that he's used to the pain and that doesn't make Emmet feel better at all.

Meanwhile, Ingo is worried because the way Emmet's acting isn't quite matching up to his few memories of him. He remembers Emmet with a brilliant smile! He's smiling now but it seems more like a grimace to Ingo. Their apartment is in a miserable state and it looks like Emmet's been sleeping on the couch instead of in their bed. There's no food in the fridge and Emmet didn't have a chance to hide all the scattered papers from his investigation into Ingo's disappearance.

He's also pretty sure Emmet didn't sleep at all last night. Did he just... watch Ingo sleep? The thought breaks his heart. Was Emmet worried that Ingo would disappear if he didn't watch him?

It's going to take a long time for them both to heal. Ingo at least knows what he needs to do to take care of his scars. He's... not sure how he's supposed to treat Emmet's hurts. They're not the type he can see.

He gets Emmet to lay down in the bed with him that night and Emmet falls asleep pretty much immediately. He clings to Ingo even in his sleep.

#blankshipping #i have been so sleepy lately #it's a curse #this is angsty but in a hopeful way #they'll be okay. #they have each other after all

[aspd-culture]

is it an aspd thing to feel like any and all anger towards my exceptions must be buried because i dont trust myself to know when its actaully "right" and i dont want to hurt them? i dont know how to cope with it i feel like i want to scream at them more and more and i dont want to ruin it

Oh look, apparently someone managed to take my life and submit it into an ask on my blog again. /lh

Big yes, that is definitely an ASPD thing. We are *constantly* being told that are anger is overblown, aggressive, etc etc so it becomes very hard for many of us to recognize when our anger is legitimate vs when we are dealing with a symptom flare. I struggle with this myself all the time, and it's the worst when my Exceptions are involved because my emotions with them can sometimes be much more extreme than with other people because ASPD comes from attachment issues that lead to distrust. Since Exceptions are people we are the most vulnerable around, as well as the most socially involved/close with, that can often trigger our ASPD to push them out of our lives as a way of protecting ourselves.

But no matter what, whether it comes from symptoms or from a "genuine" place, your feelings are real and valid. Even if they pass or change quickly, you still felt them and that made them real. Do your best not to let anyone try and convince you that you aren't allowed to be angry just because you have ASPD (and that includes your Exceptions and even yourself). I have made that mistake before, and it lead to years of my life spent in an abusive relationship because I just kept telling myself and hearing from the abuser that I was just overreacting and I would feel fine by tomorrow or in a couple hours. That ended up only being true sometimes because I was gaslit into believing it, so much so that I started gaslighting myself for him.

Sometimes, the best way to deal with things like this for people with ASPD is to take the true emotions out of it and quantify it into a more visual thing. When you're calm, come up with some kind of chart system. It can be simple or complex, whatever works for you, but make sure to put it in a place where no one is going to risk seeing it but you, so that you can be entirely honest. Please note, your mileage may vary with this, but looking at things this way has helped me immensely with understanding what are symptom flares vs actually needing to remove someone from my life. I did this even before I knew I had ASPD after realizing I let an abuser overstay his welcome by years because of my symptoms, and it's not done me wrong yet.

The information you want on this chart is going to require you to recognize when you get angry (regardless of if it is symptom related or not) and when you are hurt. You're going to chart every time the person in question does or says something that causes you to feel that way, as well as a place to make notes on whether or not they apologized unprompted and if they actually changed the behavior, and chart separately when you feel angry for reasons you can't fully explain or that weren't caused by something you believe to be rational to be angry about.

If you find out that you're spending a majority of your time feeling angry, but rarely hurt, especially without a known cause or one you consider rational, you may be experiencing a symptom flare. I would not leave a non-abusive partner in that situation until the flare passes and you can better reflect.

If you find that you are spending the majority of your time being angry about things you consider rational and/or hurt by something this person said or did, especially if they didn't apologize *and* work to change it, then in my opinion that's when you should consider removing this person from your life. Don't worry too much about "ruining" the relationship if this is the case. At the end of the day, a relationship only is worth keeping if it adds more to your life then it takes away by a relatively strong margin, at least in my opinion.

The third option, which is always nice to see when it happens (more often than I care to admit), is that this chart shows that you aren't actually spending as much of your time hurt or angry as you think you are, which is normal with ASPD. Many, but not all, pwASPD experience some degree of emotional blunting when it comes to positive emotions like happiness and contentedness on top of dealing with stronger reactions to frustration, anger, etc. so even if you're only feeling angry once in a week, it may be the strongest emotion you felt that week and you might become convinced that you felt that way for much longer than you did in the moment.

This also happens because pwASPD experience black and white/all or nothing thinking. Therefore, sometimes when someone we care about makes us upset, we can only see them as out to hurt us. The chart may help you target when that's what's going on which, at least for me, helps me relax and see the person in a more realistic light.

As I mentioned, this won't work for everyone, but I do it and it helps me, so I hope it can help you as well.

#aspd-culture-is #aspd culture is #aspd culture #actually antisocial #actually aspd #antisocial personality disorder #aspd #aspd awareness #aspd traits #anons welcome

[thepetrichorcollective]

Splitting; OSDDID VS BPD

The term "Splitting" Is used by both people with forms of osddid and bpd. We dont see it talked about much at all and we have both did and bpd so we thought we'd start the conversation about it and talk a little bit.

fair warning, because i know from having dyslexia, there are some large blocks of text as i go into this so if its hard for anyone to read i'll have a tldr at the bottom.

Lets start with what splitting means in osddid. Splitting is the 'creation' or forming of new alters or parts. Typically alters split under the conditions of stress/distress. Its not always obvious when an alter splits, sometimes it may happen without the system or even the alter themself knowing, while sometimes it may be more clear that someone new has split but things are different for every system so the identifiers for it can vary. (the link goes a bit more into depth about this)

As for splitting in terms of bpd. While splitting is a symptom in more personality disorders than just BPD, i chose to talk about bpd because its the one i have therefore making it easier for me to talk about from experience. When someone 'splits' they are subconsciously using a defense mechanism, typically when in an uncomfortable situation, "seeing thing as black and white" as some people put it. It can make "grey areas" hard to accept/recognise in the sense that to someone whos splitting things are either one or the other and no in between. ("x must be lying or telling the truth, its a yes or no, theres no way there can be an inbetween" for example) (This sight talks about it a bit more, though im personally not fond of the phrasing it still seems to explain it a bit better than i can.)

I'd like to talk a bit about what its like having both bpd and did. I dont always recognise when i split a new alter or have splitting episodes, honestly realizing a new alter has split is much easier for me to identify than when im splitting in a bpd episode. When i recognize a new alter has formed i notice things that are normally familiar, like people we know or things about the space around us, no longer seeming familiar. other things that give it away for us could be the alter having a different mood than whoever was fronting before (ex. going from feeling upbeat to suddenly feeling very uncomfortable), a change in music taste or something similar.

however when we split during a bpd episode, as a mood disorder it, at the very least, only shows up in a few of our alters. Not every alter may show symptoms of bpd but for those who do, like myself, it can vary between what symptoms show themselves. On the topic of splitting as a symptom, when one or more of us have a splitting episode it can cause an argument.

The arguments usually involve matters of protecting the system in different ways, whether we should cut contact with a person or theyre actually safe for us to be talking to, stuff like that. the arguments are always something like "x could be lying or leave us when we need them, people did that before it could happen again." "or not, x is a different person, theyre sweet and caring, they like us theres no need to dump them." its very hard for us to see a middle ground, its either one thing will happen or another and theres no third option. of course every argument has to end, often ours end in a sort of 'stale mate' per say, deciding to wait things out before making a final decision on things.

to avoid making this longer than it is already, TLDR; there are many differences between splitting with a personality/mood disorder like bpd and splitting a new alter, having both can cause some difficulties but doesnt make things any less manageable.

if theres something you'd like to share, whether its your experience, a question or more resources on this topic please go ahead and share.

thanks for taking the time to read this

but! if you want to start an argument, fakeclaim, or otherwise stir something up you can take that elsewhere. this isnt a post for fights, just discussion.

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