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#aspd traits
sleazyschizoid · 6 hours ago
I’m no expert in mental health: always been mentally ill.
My [personal] life experience has always been very extreme, I have never been remotely balanced whether it be my external circumstances or my interior world.
I think me being schizoid and also antisocial is a perfect example of that extremity.
Even just going through this blog I can see very clearly how that manifests itself in my life. Especially in all my private posts, where I keep everything that… sometimes I think I should just keep everything hidden and private: but that would just be the same as life off-line.
It's just like some sort of alchemy where you give something to get something back, or something like that… I exist in the physical world where I dissociate, and keep everything hidden without having to pretend because I choose remoteness over a mask.
And online I exist, disembodied, but everything contained within the outlines of this apparition, the substance of the universe within me remains the sole narrator of the truth I live.
Given the option to choose one or the other I'd rather not exist at all, but that's impossible.
I much prefer the third option: the apparent impossibility of existing disembodied, remotely, without pretense of any sort, deeply imbued with the essence of being.
My whole life I've wanted to do that, to be that.
Fly so high over myself and touch the heavens.
I wander, wondering…
Will I ever get the fuck over myself?
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sleazyschizoid · 10 hours ago
I am just a low-life bastard. With no desire to even acknowledge you.
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sleazyschizoid · 16 hours ago
Podemos llegar a pensar que no somos nada porque no tenemos nada. Si lo vemos de otro modo, en realidad no somos nada porque no hacemos nada.
Yendo incluso más adentro, no hacemos nada porque no sentimos el poder para hacerlo. 
Es más fácil seguir los pasos de alguien más que hacer un camino propio. Ante toda la incertidumbre y las ideas que nos llegan de todos lados es difícil confiar en la voluntad propia.
Pero los seres humanos estamos hechos de voluntad. De la misma manera en que podemos sobrevivir somos capaces también de vivir realmente de acuerdo a esa voluntad. 
El espíritu puede quebrarse pero no desaparece. En el tiempo que tenemos podemos recuperarlo.
Las personas morimos constantemente en una sola vida. Entre más lo hacemos, más cambiamos. De cualquier manera regresamos más cerca de nosotros mismos, incluso cuando pareciera que estamos retrocediendo o que hemos llegado al fondo.
Yo siempre tuve la necesidad de llegar hasta lo más bajo. Necesitaba llegar al límite de todo: qué tanto dolor puedo soportar, de qué más puedo prescindir… quería deshacerme de todo lo que consideraba innecesario.
Quería saber qué quedaría de mí cuando no hubiera ningún adorno. 
Todo parecía de mentiras, el mundo y sobre todo yo.
Percibía las escenas ante mis ojos como una fotografía que fingía moverse pasmosamente y si estiraba mi mano podía rasgarla y el mundo terminaba: no había nada detrás de ese horizonte.
Y yo sólo observaba todo aquello desde otro lugar. Quizá afuera, quizá soñando, probablemente desde el infierno o en una pesadilla.
Removido de todo la frustración era ineludible.
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sleazyschizoid · 2 days ago
There’s something far more
important than life,
and even freedom,
cause without it you cannot be free.
It is not only Truth
which is all there is:
it is autonomy.
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sleazyschizoid · 2 days ago
the toll of trying to be.
You know, there are other feelings besides excitement and joy...
If you’re a schizoid who doesn’t experience strong emotions, like rage, I fucking envy you (no I don’t).
It’s one less thing to bother with, less drama, and your split probably lacks abuse as a cause. Which is nice.
I guess being nullified to the point of embracing nothingness is one way to develop this mf.
There’s also the fact that I never really reacted to anything going on around me.
I was the kind of child who wouldn’t get out of harm’s way.
I’m still like that.
People cracking up around me and I’d be 😒
Or people crying and I wouldn’t even feel discomfort... just nothing.
I wish I could say “There’s nothing I can point at that might’ve made me like this.” Or: “Nothing happened to me to make me become this person.”
How nice. But no. There are many reasons: “early adversity” they call it.
I wish I could grab that whole period of my life and crumple it and toss it into the fucking black hole you got for a soul. Nothing stays.
It doesn’t matter.
Why keep going on like this?
Every time I start over from scratch I’m more and more tired.
The older I get the more I feel it, physically, the toll of trying to be.
I got to see my insides on that ultrasound and CT scan. They’re quite healthy for the kind of life I live. Still, there are little warning signs here and there.
It takes me longer to heal when I’m relapsed.
Inflamed organs, inflamed tissue, busted bones. Infections that hang on for dear life with a passion I can only dream of... a fucking month and every time I cough it still fucking hurts the rib I fucked up from coughing too much.
And I’m tired. And I’m starting to look tired.
I saw her. We were sprawled out on a bed and I had my head next to her waist. She ran her fingers through my hair and suddenly stopped, and I could only feel her thumb rubbing my forehead.
Why’d you stop?
“You have a scar here.”
“An old scar. You can hardly see it.”
I checked. It’s there. Right at the hairline, across the middle to the right side of my forehead. It’s so old it’s the same color as my scalp. I can see it under some lighting: there’s a small dent.
Could be anything. So many times I ended up getting stitches.
I looked some more: there’s that one I do remember, from falling on those rocks that day at the beach. I was wearing a white t shirt and by the time we got to the hospital it was all red at the collar.
Head injuries don’t hurt tho. Not after impact.
Sometimes I get lightheaded. But my pressure’s fine. It’s in my head. Then it stops and I’m no longer blank.
I’m getting my results in a few days. We’ll see what this is about.
I’m down to 1 drink a day. It sucks. I cannot eat. I get so angry all the time. At least it’s not the DTs. No shakes. Nothing too bad.
I just feel sick all the time.
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apsychopathslog · 2 days ago
you’re probably just autistic
Wow maybe you’re right. I’ll hit up my psychiatrist and tell her that she was wrong because a Tumblr anon said so
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sleazyschizoid · 3 days ago
I’m good with names.
Not so good with faces.
I will remember your name: tie it to some experience/bit of conversation I found interesting/ something... even if I cannot recall what you look like.
I navigate cities [even if I know them] by street names. Unless it’s too blatant; I’ll miss most landmarks that other people seem to use for this same purpose.
This is likely cause I’ve never been too “visual”. And cause I don’t look people in the eye, sometimes not even at their face, when I talk to them.
Before my sense of smell got fucked up I relied less on sight.
A part of me still doesn’t trust what I see. It’s not that I’d smell things to assess them all the time, but practically losing one sense fucks up the rest and also brings out others that weren’t as strong before.
I watched a program on how memory works, and I’ve forgotten most of it.
But I do remember that one part said: “we remember with emotions”or some shit like that.
Ah, using subtitles helps me remember shows and movies better but then I get all annoyed that they’re not exact transcripts of dialogues (wtf? You have one job).
Once I mentioned to a dude, whom I cut off already, that I could not remember most of [our] talks cause I wasn’t there when they happened. Didn’t feel ‘em.
He was fed up with his job then and took out all this frustration on the nearest person cause he was single, living alone, and worked costumer service.
I was there and I wasn’t a client, so he said (annoyed): “We all get that. That is very common. You are not the only one.🙄”
😆 Ah yeah yeah I’m not special Ik. So how come you remember what we talk about? You remember what you say and what I say and the topic but I don’t.
He clammed up after that (he did that a lot the last few times we talked).
I’d told him since he started that job that it wasn’t a good fit:
“Nothing pays better than this one.”
Did you look?
“Yes I did”
Bullshit. Lots of gigs pay more. You took this one cause it’s some shit you already know. And you know it’s not a good fit, but you’re scared.
(I don’t have many friends😏)
See, to me, that’s not a harsh thing to say at all: You’re a pussy.
It’s the truth.
So why tf are you complaining when you put yourself there?
I’d just cut him off mid sentence: Stfu about your fucking job man. It’s boring af, I don’t wanna hear about your clients or whatever.
And he’d get upset.
But I’m not a fucking therapist yeah? And maybe even a therapist would tell you: You’re so unhappy doing this then fucking quit and try something else.
Some idiots really believe they gotta force themselves to do and be a certain way huh.
He thought he had to be more social, more easy going, more extroverted... mf these are personality traits: you cannot ask for a fucking refund or a change. So stupid.
You can definitely do the work to improve yourself. But you gotta ask: What for?
Seriously. What for?
That guy had goals in mind. Goals help. He was shit at objectives but that’s the kind of shit you get a pro to help you with.
Let’s say you have no goal [yet].
What do you do?
Idk my guy, Idc.
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maybe-an-aspd-angel · 7 days ago
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But will I ever though? Constantly just stuck in a weird limbo.
Never able to fully commit or be passionate about something. Always this strange feeling in your chest that you can’t pin point exactly. Yet always watching from the outside.
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maybe-an-aspd-angel · 7 days ago
I got used to only taking care of myself.
Only learning to protect myself.
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sleazyschizoid · 8 days ago
I am alone. Not lonely. Alone.
And that’s how I like it. 
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sleazyschizoid · 8 days ago
Sometimes I start random conversations to escape intrusive thoughts
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sleazyschizoid · 8 days ago
I don’t bother pretending to like someone I don’t like. I am not rude, though; just not a fucking hypocrite.
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sleazyschizoid · 8 days ago
I may like you
We may like the same things
You may like me
Reach out to me
And I may respond politely
And we may talk now and then
I may smile at you
Laugh at something you said
I may even reach out to you first
And still I’ll want nothing to do with you
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apsychopathslog · 8 days ago
Day 23
One thing with ASPD that deserves more attention is our terrible impulse control issues. This is due to how our brains are structured. Short-term actions release endorphins, and our brains over-emphasise the importance of endorphins. I think this is due to how prone to boredom we are.
This can result in us engaging in reckless or dangerous behaviour. Not always, though. These issues can, and do, manifest in other ways in our lives. Spending money on things we don’t need (which is something a lot of my friends with ASPD also experience) is a big one. I definitely struggle with my spending habits. It’s not that I can’t think long term, it’s just that spending money in the here and now feels good, even when it’s something I don’t need. For some with aspd, this could manifest in short term relationships. I’ve definitely gone for people that I shouldn’t have for that exact reason. Bosses, colleagues, friends, anything that’ll cause a level of interest that’ll keep me from being bored for some time.
It can be difficult for people with aspd to manage impulse control issues. In the moment there’s a complete need to do this thing that’ll release all these good feelings. Even if they’re so short lived, they can be pleasantly distracting. I know a lot of people with ASPD try hard to manage their impulse control issues in order to better their lives and this needs more attention because it’s actually really difficult.
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sleazyschizoid · 8 days ago
The extent some people go to in order to justify themselves is ridiculous.
You don’t really wanna hear anyone else. You just wanna hear that whatever you believe is what’s right.
That you need others to reassure you that you’re doing the right thing.
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