#putting this in the tags bc I need to get this out but also feel kinda guilty about it so I don’t wanna scream it in a post

[corviiids]

ive discovered a new spectrum of character based on my two most recent interests also everyone is free to add to the spectrum but anyone who attempts to correct me gets their eyeballs stolen

(small text: *achilles’ hair colour is described as ‘xanthos’ which isn’t necessarily strictly blond but is frequently used in reference to things that are golden or yellow but could easily describe a range of other visual experiences also it’s very complicated but for the sake ofthis meme he’s blond and we’re all going to accept it and not attempt to explain it to me in the comments. im glad we all agree)

#rookposting #iliad #achilles #trigun #tristamp #trigun stampede #dw i wont put this in tag a memnon this is too dumb even by my standards #i honestly feel silly every time i crosspost from twitter bc it's like making the same joke twice but louder #but i need to get in the habit because twitter is a dogshit archive and ALSO #i keep getting reposted in places and id like to at least know where my bullshit is going #friends dmed me about me apparently doing numbers on reddit which i dont use #and i checked it out and it was a screenshot of an instagram post #which was a screenshot of my tweet #i was like guys cmon at least screenshot the tweet

[coquelicoq]

what i love about the Famous Actor Natori Shuuichi of it all is that...it's not just that he's famous and therefore widely recognizable wherever he goes. like yes that is very funny because he was an exorcist before he became a famous actor, which means he CHOSE, on purpose, a day job that would make it harder to hide his double life/secret identity from the hordes of his adoring public, but it's more than that. it's not just that he's famous, it's that he's famous specifically for being an ACTOR, aka a person whose job it is to dissimulate, to make believe, to inhabit roles and emotions other than his own. like he decided he was going to become as visible as possible (which again was literally not necessary! he could have gone into any other career for his day job!!) but in such a way that everyone would see him but no one would see him - they would just see his various made-up personas, including the Famous Actor Natori Shuuichi persona. i can't decide if he's a genius or if he just made so many absurd decisions that they canceled each other out and circled back around to working out. he's either playing 9-dimensional chess or he's eating the pieces. too soon to say.

#the other thing i love about it is that in a very real sense it's his actor day job that is his alter ego #being an exorcist is his normie job. he's just a famous celebrity on the side #which isn't that uncommon in secret identity setups but it's still very funny #natsume's book of friends #natsume yuujinchou #natori shuuichi #natsuyuu meta #my posts #f #i think probably the actual answer is that acting was a very natural career choice because he already masks so extensively #both to hide that he can see things other people can't (and that youkai exist and that he exorcises them) #and to hide what he's really feeling so that no one can use it against him #so if it's already something he has to do & he's good at it...why not have someone tell him exactly how to do it & get paid for it? #and the other part of the answer is that most ppl don't go into acting assuming they'll get famous. the fame was a side effect #so each decision as it was being made probably made perfect sense. but put them all together #and you have this hilarious assortment of elements that seem to directly contradict each other #okay also i would be remiss if i didn't mention the other possible answer which is that the attention came first and was unavoidable #and the acting developed from the need to protect himself from the attention that he was going to be attracting no matter what he did #because he's so beautiful. and (in the exorcist world specifically) because he's the last of the natori #the more i talk about it the more i'm like no becoming a famous actor was the only path that made any sense for him lol #1) he's gonna be watched no matter what bc he's him -> gotta figure out how to hide his secrets -> learn to act as self-defense #or 2) he's got secrets -> he's gotten a lot of practice hiding them -> hey you could make a career out of this! #all roads lead to actor natori shuuichi. and since he's beautiful...all roads lead to FAMOUS actor natori shuuichi #i love it when i ramble so much in the tags that i end up contradicting my own post lol #he's neither thinking ten steps ahead nor is he irrational. he's simply making sensible individual decisions #that follow logically from what is available to him and what his priorities are

[technicalthinker]

I feel like debating who Loki was talking to when he said "For You" in the last episode, is missing the point of the scene. And people referring to it as "cowardly" and a "no-homo" moment is just?? Baffling to me tbh because like;

First of all, it is obviously intended to be to both of them? If they only wanted to make it about Sylvie, Mobius wouldn't be there. If they only wanted to make it about Mobius, Sylvie wouldn't be there. If they wanted to make it about everyone they would've just framed it more equally, he does do it for all his friends ("for all of us"), but they have that scene to highlight these two specific relationships. The framing is quite clear, they have him take a last look at all of his friends before going down the stairs, but Mobius and Sylvie runs after him to have a final significant moment.

Which absolutely makes sense and is consistent with the show we have seen so far, s1 and s2 combined, which is what I love about it. And it was to be honest a surprise! Going into this season, I had little hope for Loki/Mobius interactions, just didn't want to expect too much since S1 had a lot of their connection, but that could've been it. I was shocked when s2ep1 was full to the brim with Loki and Mobius scenes? And then they kept reinforcing every week that they care about each other, is a funny duo to watch, and are important to one another.

And despite this, I expected the rug to at some point be pulled, especially compared to Loki's relationship to Sylvie. No matter people's personal viewing on the show, she is still cited as a love interest by showrunners and is just portrayed as that by the narrative a lot of the time. Sidelining that, even in s2 when the romantic hints are more vague, she's still a very important person in Loki's life. She played a central part of the plot and Loki's own character development of understanding himself.

So to me, I was surprised seeing Mobius and Sylvie side by side in the end. Both being framed as The important people in Loki's life. Then, however you wanna see in what ways they are important is up to you, but they are the people he keeps coming back to for advice and self-reflection. You can frame it as "oh it should've been only been Mobius and they added Sylvie to downplay it", which, I just disagree with (If they wanted to go for explicitly canon Lokius they needed to set that up even more earlier in the season but that's a post for another day). Sylvie is still like, a constant in the narrative and driving force of s1, even if s2 changes things around a bit, and imo it would be inconsistent if she just vanished here. I guess I am used to media that downplays a meaningful dynamic between two dudes in more aggressive ways, which they absolutely could've done, and would've taken me out of the story to be honest... but they didn't, Mobius and Sylvie got to be side by side in the end and that imo validated the Loki/Mobius dynamic way more than downplays it.

TLDR; The "For you" was for both Mobius and Sylvie because why would you frame it that way otherwise, and having them side by side like that validates Lokius way more than downplays it in a "no-homo" way considering the full context of the show.

#marvel blogging #amanda rambles #loki #lokius #putting it in the tag in case people have other thoughts id be curious #ive been struggling with this post but needed to gET IT OUT bc it has been rattling in my brain #sorry if it ended up incoherent anyway #loki spoilers #kinda decided against putting it in the s*lki tag bc i feel like i downplay it a bit here and i know u dont want that #like i dont reALLY enjoy playing the 'my ship is VALID and sUPPORTED BY CANON' debating and i feel like i touch on it here. #but i kinda just want to like. throw my thoughts in #to why i DID feel good about this. #like whenever they do those almost looking into the camera no-homo moments it just breaks immersion COMPLETELY #if all the actors today said in interviews that it is never intended and would never be intended to be anything else that is one thing #but when a character says something like that that feels like it is ONLY to dismiss any chances in canon. even if unnatural etc. feels bad #and this wasnt IT #i know the big mcu show doesnt need me defending it but this sure reads like a defense of the show huh #tbh it started with the first paragraph bc this is also about media analsys #ALSO if u hc that it was to one of them it's like. ok. but like. #maybe not throw conspiracies out there. #also these posts AND tags are becoming longer. im losing my mind but it's fine.

[skitskatdacat63]

I literally can't stop thinking about this sequence of pictures, actually completely brainrotting me

#ever since i watched aus 2009 i cant stop scrolling back up in my gallery to stare at these #like pics that genuinely make me roll around on my bed and squeal #GAHHHHHH LIKE THE WAY SEB IS GRINNING UP AT AND HESITANTLY PLACING HIS HAND ON HIS CHEST #AND THEN JENSON NOTICES AND MY GOD THE WAY HES LOOKING AT HIM I CANT I CANT #THE WAY THEYRE SMILING AT ESCH OTHER IM GONNA LOSE IT #AND LOOK HOW HARD JENSE IS GRIPPING HIM GODDDDDDDD #like i really cant express in words how these make me feel its actually just *tv static noises* #i feel like im grinning so hard looking at these that im gonna explode #(also @grace if you see these: ive been reading solar flare lately and GOD YOURE SO RIGHT WHEN YOU REFERENCED IT) #(theres this part where mark says to jb that hes been looking up podium/press pics of them online) #(and that they look like theyre in love HE IS LITERALLY ME FRRRRRR LIKE IM GOING INSANE OVER IT) #(these pics brainrotted me before i started reading it but reading it has only made it 100x worse/better) #anyways i really really like 2009 sebson they're so endearing to me 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 #ig its just smth about how theyre so affectionate with each other despite being each others rivals #like constantly patting/nudging/hugging each other IM GONNA CRYYYYY IM GONNA EXPLODEEEE #i put these pics in the comp i made if seb but like bcs of the magnitude to which they affect me i needed to make a posr for them #just imagine me wailing and losing my mind irl and in these tags sob sob sob #if i stay committed w watching races ill just keep on going to the end of the v8 era so dw my wailing can only get worse :D #every time i scroll up out of the tags to look at the pics again i feel my heart skipping a bit HDJFKGKGKGL #anyways unhinged wdym unhinged :) #f1 #formula 1 #sebastian vettel #jenson button #jb22 #sv5 #sebson #2009 australian gp

[arsenicflame]

i think my edizzy playlist is finally in a state im willing to share it in! you can find it here :)

its mostly divorce era/jilted wife izzy vibes but theres a few other things in there also!

im def still tweaking and adding so if anyone has any feedback on any songs in the playlist id love to hear it! if you would like me to explain why a song is on there i ABSOLUTELY will so many of these i would die on a hill over

theres also a companion playlist for songs that just have one line that is SO them i had to save them somewhere

#this is my music taste core btw. i have taken no feedback from any other blackhands playlist djdjdndm #i will take suggestions from beloved friends tho <3 #if you have a song you would die on a hill over i am SO DOWN to know #i just love music. so much #nyxtalks #blackhands #edizzy #izzy hands #israel hands #ofmd #not putting this in ed tags bc i feel like id get raked over the coals with how the fandom is rn :') im just a silly little guy! #theres probably still some things i need to take out from my unhinged adding spree but like. at this point i know it so well i dont notice #also you get them as links because tumblrs spotify widgets are my enemy and i refuse to use them

[liquidstar]

a friend who'd wait :)

#im posting this very late because i was sort of weary of how it came out and ended up messing w it until it was like 4am oops. #and i have plans tmrw so... oh well! i did my best and ill put it out while i can! #and i tried to make the scene match barnard's colors lol #finn's ocs #finn's art #i know i said id do more sillay stuff with the simpler screentone only style but i had a couple more of these in me #and this is the first piece im making thats like an actual part of the story too rather than just setting stuff for fun #i wanna write something to go with it too but for now ill just sort of briefly explain the context in the tags here: #barnard has a pretty bad case of OCD and his compulsions have made it difficult to make friends in the past #he was never outright bullied or anything but people just didnt really have the patience to deal with it #he has compulsions that include stuff like walking through doors until it feels right and needing things to be perfectly aligned #which in group settings has lead to people having to wait for him to finish his rituals and join them #they might find it tolerable at first but eventually they grow impatient and hes just... not invited to stuff anymore #but juno is a newer member of the guild who ends up frequenting the same library. hes also kinda a little weird #and they dont become fast friends or anything but just sort of naturally spend time in the same place #though they never plan meetups they eventually fall into a routine. around the same time theyd just both be at the library #and read next to each other. and maybe talk a bit. and eventually they end up walking back to the guildhall together #since theyre going to the same place after all. and juno always waits for barnard outside the door #eventually barnard asks if this bothers him. juno kinda just tells him 'of course it does' without any malice or anything. just a statement #barnard is surprised and apologizes and juno says not to. but the next day juno doesnt show up at the usual time. #barnard assumes hes committed somekinda more by bringing it up. he ends up staying there late reading to get his mind off it & not ruminate #but when he leaves juno is in fact still waiting for him down the hall (see pic) having collected a bunch of books literally abt ocd #he fell asleep bc barnard stayed later than expected. and hes an eepy guy generally. and also one very bad at expressing himself #but now barnard gets that juno's 'of course it [bothers me]' had the implication of 'but its worth it' which no friend has previously done. #and from the interaction juno was also able to understand that this isn't something barnard just does for the hell of it so. he studies. #and checks a bunch of stuff out because he thinks it could help his friend too (theres ocd workbooks and such- i remember working w them) #and thats the point where they became more ''friends'' than ''pleasant library acquaintances'' #from there on they also do get into juno's problems. whole other bag of worms. but this specific scene is more about bernard from his pov #sorry about when i said briefly explain. i lied </3 #but compared to the whole sequence im picturing its brief so shhh

[brittlebutch]

finally found a place to read With the Light online and i'm thrilled; if you haven't read this manga i do Legitimately recommend it

#N posts stuff #like don't get it wrong it Is Not a series about being autistic it Is a series about raising an autistic kid #but also don't be put off by that because it's legitimately a series that I feel Loves autistic people with its whole being #it's kind of a teaching manga so it showcases a lot of different opinions/characters/conflicts/etc. but the Framing is very consistent #in that the manga is Extremely of the opinion that autistic people are People who deserve to be Valued and Accepted As They Are #the onus for change is never put on autistic individuals the framing is basically Universal in the 'the World needs to change #to be more accepting' -- it's a very Social Model depiction of autism that ALSO never veers too far into the #'autism isn't even Really a disability' fallacy; it's very much a 'A lot of autistic people will need constant support in a variety of ways #throughout their lives but that isn't the roadblock preventing them from having their own lives; ableism in society is the roadblock' #the first two chapters are the hardest to get through bc they take place before Sachiko has any real understanding of autism and #so she's isolated and stressed out and the ignorance makes it difficult for her to care for Hikaru properly (there's also a lot of #other characters Blaming her for what's going on which goes unchallenged at this point though that changes later); but after she #understands what autism is she's Firmly in Hikaru's corner for the rest of the series - you can skip right to ch 3 without a problem #if you're not interested in reading about that initial conflict #there's still a Lot of conflict ofc but by then the chapters have some of my favorite moments so i don't want to advocate skipping #them; like Hikaru's daycare teacher explaining how Hikaru's difficulty speaking is the same as other kids' troubles with #things like jump-roping/etc.; and then a mother who has An Issue with Hikaru's presence in her daughter's class realizing the #depth of the problematic opinion bc Her mother (who had a stroke) faces similar ableism from her peers #i'm cutting this post off b4 the tags get Too long but if you're curious but still hesitant man. send me an ask and i will Happily #write an insanely long essay about how much i love this series; i have all the books i'm not excited about the online availability #for Me i'm excited bc i've been wanting to rec this manga for like almost a full decade and i can finally give you a link instead of #saying 'well. you can find used copies sometimes' lol

[silenthillbunni]

📓🕯️🐇🖤pt.2

#only 30 tags lol i ran out... so furthermore #we only get one life. im gonna try as much as i can to enjoy the little moments. nd to not give up on myself nd my life #i will die one day anyway. why rush it. i'll enjoy as many books and as many walks and songs and tv shows as possible #if i get a loan nd have more money i wanna bleach my hair nd dye my hair green #and later this year i think i might change my name #it was the name i wanted to change to from the beginning. but i was in such a bad headspace i just picked eden at random #i do kinda like it now nd im attached to it but i more feel like this other name actually is me. my birth name nd my current name dont feel #really right. so maybe. i havent decided yet. like i rlly dont know. im also attached to this name for some other reason. like it's who i am #to a person i rlly like and if i change... will i be anything to them? i cant put it into words but that makes me hesitate #but it's unhealthy to stay attached to someone i cant truly have even if i want to. so i mean. idk im just weird abt it #but i do kinda wanna change my name (to embla. my mom wanted to give me that name but my dad was like nooo >.<) i am not 100% sure tho so #when i've been getting used to going to school nd working out at the gym. nd after my surgery nd i have more energy #i will try to face my avpd and try apps for making friends. there r two apps where u can find new girl friends!! maybe i can try that #also like i've never tried apps but i think maaaaaybe i can use bumble to try to find friends and women to date. potentially. idk..... #rn it's hard for me to think in those terms bc. i mean i am hung up on someone!!!! i cant evwn imagine dating or being intimate w anyone els #sometimes i feel like.. they're the only person i've ever felt like it'd even be possible. who i'd event want to do that w #not only physically but emotionally. so ig it's even harder to let go bc im so scared i will never feel like that w anyone else #but i rlly need to try to make the most of whatever life i have. the world will collapse soon anyway #that makes me even more sad that i cant be w who i wanna be w nd do what i wanna do but #all pain will all be completely descimated eventually. it's not forever bc life isnt forever #i've just never felt this before. like i want smth to be real so bad but if it happened once surely it can happen again? right? #i wont spend my life alone without intimacy and love and comfort nd support nd understanding right???? :o hope not #im still so sad nd exhausted rn. nothing in my life is working nd theres no repreive nd no help #it gets sooo hard to endure everything sometimes when everything just keeps piling up and gets so heavy it feels like im drowning #nd atm i dont feel like i have any anchor. nothing that keeps me grounded nd im just floating away nd im constantly being overwhelmed by my #feelings nd emotions. im like a stupid little kid who dont understand how to handle what im feeling. or make rational decisions #i feel so ... stupid and useless. i dont know what im doing. i have no idea. i have no compass. its so scary

[starglitterz]

"xiao?"

your voice is deafening in the quiet, shattering the peaceful silence between the two of you, yet to the last remaining yaksha it is the most pleasant sound in the world.

"yes, dove?"

moonlight filters through the open window, bringing with it a cool breeze that makes you shiver and press closer to him. though to many he is pitiful, burdened by karmic debt and carrying the weight of his past sins, you find his presence to be incredibly comforting, and his warmth now is far from unwelcome.

"are you ever... lonely?"

you hesitate to finish your question, teeth scraping your bottom lip when you bite it as if to prevent the final word from escaping. saying it out loud makes the possibility so much more real, and you're not sure if you really want to know the answer.

"..."

there is no response. xiao feels how you stiffen in his arms, muscles tensing with concern that you may have hurt his feelings or offended him by assuming the conqueror of demons experienced such trivial mortal emotions. truth be told, he is considering his answer, desiring to give you the most honest one he can, for that is what you deserve after opening your heart to someone as stained by the past as him.

"yes. and sometimes it is almost overwhelming."

xiao begins, and the melancholy blossoming in your chest at his reply is simultaneously soothed by his voice. the gentleness of his tone would probably be impossible to comprehend for those who saw him daily, as his softness was reserved for you alone, and he did not particularly care about how rough others perceived him to be.

"but..."

he falls silent once more. xiao prefers not to look at the past, but now he finds himself musing over the other yakshas and mourning their fates. though he used to be ready to welcome death with open arms, grateful for his suffering to be over, things have changed since then.

"it has become easier to bear ever since i learned to love you."

others may take xiao's words at face value and believe that he loves you only out of habit, like you were constantly by his side until he was forced to figure out how to love you. but you know better. xiao learned to love you by learning to let his walls down, that being vulnerable isn't showing weakness, that opening yourself up to the possibility of being hurt provides a fountain of opportunities and love to flow.

"i'm glad."

a smile curves your lips, and you twist in xiao's arms to press a kiss to his jawline before tucking your head into the crook of his neck once more. the stars dance across the blanket of the midnight sky outside, twinkling effortlessly, burning themselves up to give beauty to the darkness, and you are here, safe with your lover.

"i love you, xiao."

perhaps in the grand scheme of the universe the two of you are insignificant, but for now that matters not in the slightest, because:

"and i love you too, dove."

©starglitterz 2022. do not plagiarise, repost nor modify in any way – reblog / follow if you enjoyed!

#once again do not ask me to explain i genuinely have no clue i just started typing words just when i was abt to sleep 😭 #i just think that xiao. and the abstract concept of loneliness that comes with watching the world you essentially helped create grow #and grow is such an important term here bc it is growing out of him; liyue no longer needs xiao to defend it as it once did in the past #especially when you consider how he is the last yaksha; and i just keep thinking about how it must feel to be the only one alive to witness #liyue's current glory when they all gave everything for it to develop into this; sacrificing themselves to sin and gaining karmic debt and #eventually dying (?) but either way leaving xiao alone. like i know that this is what they would have wanted and what they were made to do #but i keep thinking about xiao and survivor's guilt and how it plays out into his character; does he feel it's unfair that he gets to live? #does that make him feel the need to overcompensate by remaining reclusive and fighting almost every minute when there isn't rlly much of a #need to? idk idk hahaha these are just random ramblings idk why i put them in the tags 😭 also i haven't played the archon quest yet so #don't spoil!!!!! ill eat ur souls if u do /hj #ok proper tags i promise: #✏️ — quill writes ! #xiao x reader #xiao fluff #genshin impact x reader #genshin x reader

[not-so-superheroine]

deseret book is more persistent than duolingo.

i ordered 2 books for a church research project on Black saints in the early Church and also in the Reorganization, on which the one book had a small section us and all had info from the our shared early church history, and it was an ebook too!

and i get physical mail from them once a month. i have no idea how to cancel.

herald house, the community of christ publishing house, contacts me much less, and i buy books from them all the time.

and oh their church book app reminds me to read my scriptures and the words of their prophets regularly if it's not in sleep mode.

i have to admire the effort behind it, ngl.

#tumblrstake #the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints #Community of Christ #latter day saint #deseret book #i highly recommend both books #black saints in a white church #and “My Lord He Calls Me” edited by Alice Faulkner Burch #she's really awesome so pls support her #i hang out with the genesis group bc i am playing with a similar group for community of christ #because the Black saints expressed interest #actually Black Saints in a White Church may have been elsewhere by Signature Books #you can read it for free on archive.org #and if you're at BYU you can access it too and papers on it #i'll promo them in another post eventually #white saints in my church don't get my vision bc their like “we never had a priesthood ban” #but i literally had to do the project bc they were speaking over us regarding anti-Black racism in our D&C #and people individually reached out. like Black church leaders. bc they be doing this. #we made so much noise and the first presidency reached out to ME bc i wrote a paper that spread through the church about it #wild moment. but yeah we need something like the Genesis Group and they were willing to help me out a bit #its too much for me to handle on my own tho. esp with the revitalizing our intepretation and use of the Book of Mormon projects #i always put too much in the tags. i should write a post about that and share my article #it was on our D&C 116 which is like our L-dS OD 2 on Race in the priesthood and specifically ordination of Black men #which they (some of the white saints) wanted removed 🙄 bc of the “ministers to their own race” part which led to segregation being allowed #but also explicitly affirms God calls people of all races to priesthood and also that Black congregations didn’t need white pastor oversight #so just leave it. and ig you feel guilty...cope #i personally believe it to be inspired but flawed #it was literally a mostly white church in 1865. not excusing tho bc some sects were always fully integrated like the Bickertonites #they had a Black apostle in 1915. representation at high levels of leadership #oh and women in the priesthood from the jump. if limited

[piplupod]

my brain is so nonsensical, i will see omens in the most mundane shit but then when a dead blackbird appears a little ways away from outside the house i don't even blink

#I feel like theres poems and stuff abt dead blackbirds being omens BDJFDLL #i think maybe it doesnt click as an omen bc i am so wired now to just immediately think about helping put the critter to proper rest #(and then perhaps collect the bones after it decomposes fjfkdl) #i think his skull (he was a breeding male im pretty sure but I'll have to double check the photos i took) is too broken to rly collect #but i did wrap him up in cheesecloth and bury him (the crows did not want him) to check on in a few months #hopefully i can finish cleaning the crow and pigeon and mouse I've got that just need disinfecting #(crows are legal to have remains of here btw i know in some places the MBA doesnt allow it but here it IS legal lol) #i will have to check abt the blackbird probably but just burying him is fine even if he's protected under the MBA i think #better than leaving him out on the road i think !!! #also dw abt th3 bird virus that was going around - i always glove up with good quality disposable gloves and wash my hands + forearms after #I do not play around w dead things fjfkfl i dont want to get sick from handling them #i am very careful abt it fjdkdl and make sure to keep the amount i have to handle them (while gloved) to a minimum #dead animal tw #unsanitary tw #maybe ??? its all sanitary the way i do it but maybe it would make ppl feel queasy or triggered hearing abt it #ask to tag #pippen needs 2nd breakfast

[sarah-sandwich-writes]

HOLD ON WAIT UP HOLD THE PHONE

I KNOW I WAS GONE FOR A FEW MONTHS THERE BUT HAS BLUE LIKE DON'T FORGET ABOUT ME ALWAYS BEEN A PART OF A SERIES OR IS THAT A NEW DEVELOPMENT???

I FEEL LIKE ITS CHRISTMAS ALL OVER AGAIN FUCK Y E A H

Okay so

I...

have been cooking

by which I mean illusions of grandeur and

schemes

And I have not been forthcoming lol Everyone kind of disappeared all at the same time so I kind of stopped talking about what I'm doing but I have been biding my time, quietly putting mechanisms into motion and plotting and occasionally cackling over my cauldron.

I finished the first draft of Blue like don't forget about me and didn't like it so I cut out all the sci-fi fantasy stuff (bye bye aliens farewell superpowers) and in November wrote a new first draft that's all contemporary romance babeee and I'm so in love with it I'm turning it into a little 3-part (possibly 4 if I can't control myself) series.

The original childhood years have been split off into a prequel novella called Red like my bleeding heart in your hand. Then Blue like don't forget about me will take place 20 years later. Nash works at Cherished Hope Nursing Home

“And what is it you do? At the nursing home, I mean.” I wipe shit off of old people. And Teddy’s a hockey player. What’s Luke, an underwear model? He shouldn’t have come.

Teddy comes back to town for a funeral and

Teddy looks at him for the first time in twenty years and every ounce of warmth leaves his expression. Message received. He should not have come.

OKAY SO AND THEN the next book will be Jo's POV and is called Violet like these delights. and MAYBE there will be a 4th from Luke's POV bc he gets to live this time by the grace of god (me) but it'll depend on how Violet goes (its current state is mostly vibes and a single overarching theme so, stand by).

Red needs a clean-up round of edits to snip out the few little threads that connected it to OG blue. And rewritten blue is basically done. I've done the major revisions and am about to start line edits and after those are done I'm sending it out to beta readers (lmk if you're interested).

There are concise actual summaries in my pinned post btw lol

WHICH REMINDS ME

The series title is Wildflowers of Deliverance. Which I'm extremely proud of. Did you notice did you notice how each title incorporates a wildflower did you did you? and the town they grew up in where Nash and Teddy first met is called Deliverance!!! It's okay I know I'm a genius.

And this brings us to the meal okay? because like I said I've been Cooking™ quietly but steadily for a few months now. ANd what have I been cooking? PLOTS and PLANS

I've decided on a pen name: Sarah B. Elisa

I've created a(nother) side blog for it that will be exclusively centered on my og writing and geared more toward readers rather than writers like this blog is: @sarahbe-writing

I'm going to create a website (as soon as I convince myself to spend money)

and a newsletter (as soon as I convince myself to spend money and do work)

I'm still waffling between trad publishing and DIY. I really like all my hats and it would be a shame to have to share them but oh my god I don't want to do all the marketing but trad pub seems hit or miss on how well they market you so I might get half of my hats taken away and still have to do the marketing bullshit UGH

anyway

OH YEAH and the OG draft I wrote for Blue? I'm going to spin it back to its OG OG roots [parkner, naturally--Return of The childhood friends to estranged almost lovers to super-powered rivals to reluctant allies to friends to lovers finally wip!!! AKA: We Were Gods (we were kids)] and that will fix all the things that went wrong and I didn't like 😌 so it's basically like double Christmas I think

#i have been #a tad reluctant to use the tag list #since because I scrapped the whole plot and genre and started over #feels like a teensie bit of a betrayal? #so idk i think i need to make a post (way fucking shorter than this one) and tag everyone and see who still wants to be tagged in stuff? #or maybe im close enough to the finish line i shouldn't do tag list stuff anymore? I'm kind of wary of oversharing bc #i totally did before #and the word count is smaller now #and there aren't like Plot Twists #it's a romance we all know how this is gonna end #so idk that's mostly why i've been quiet like haha what should i say and to who? #But anyway this weekend I'm going to get my shit together and put up some posts and get the ball rolling again #share some excerpts #get people excited #put out a call for beta and sensitivity readers #you know. work lol #also i missed you and i'm glad you're back <3333 #my notes were sooooo quiet lol #and i don't just mean on my writing stuff i love seeing all of your tags in my activity like Yay that's my friend!! And they're yellin!!! #we love to see it <3 #anyway #:)

[skitskatdacat63]

Watching the Brawn docu has me wanting to reach through the screen to choke out Christian and Montezemolo

#like i feel like obv theyre probably being dramatic for the sake of the docu #but at the same point it rly feels like they still hold a grudge #and im not one of those people who decrys the rb19 as being illegal or whatever #but my god for someone's car who gets accused of being illegal a lot christian youre sure talking a load of shit #like ik hes talking abt his standpoint from back then but atp in his career after all hes been thru #should he not be admiring them????? #as i said in my other tags: #wah wah angry bcs another team found a loophole in the loophole sport??? #i love tho brundle is like talking abt how he loves how teams exploit and bypass the rulebook #like to be the rulebook is like...you read it in depth so you can see what you can get away with #and obv the other teams will be annoyed but at the same time i feel like id be lowkey congratulatory like wow nice loophole!! #and also the rb5 was pretty good imo and just needed time and got bludgeoned by the brawn #meanwhile the ferrari of this ssn is basically like the ferrari of well this season #like ferrari and mclaren in 2009 basically had thw same situation as this yr #start out shit and then developed enough along the season to get podiums and wins #like rbr somewhat has a point bcs imo theyd def be the top team if not for brawn's double diffuser #so i get that yknow. but ferrari was just straight up trash and cant put up w the fact that they made a shit car #also 2009 KERS is SOOOOOOO much more broken and unfair than the DD imo!!! #like ex. Fisi totally should have won Spa but Kimi got him literally just bcs of KERS #but god yeah anyways these fucking politics ny god....the one thing max moseley did right was to accept the Brawn hahaha #why am i getting pissed at 14 year old drama LMFAO #fuck i am so happy for Brawn i think it would truly be the most unfair thing in the entire sport if they had screwed them over #i reallt just think the other teams were eternally salty because they voted to get Brawn into the sport #and then get pissy when Brawn is actually fucking fantastic #like they just expected them to be trash and then got pissed when they werent backmarkers its so dumb #ANYWAYS THEYRE NOW TALKING ABOUT CHINA 2009 MY FUCKING BELOVED SEBMARKSON!!!!!!!! #^ but speaking of that. so funny that christian was a total whiny bitch at the FIA meeting btwn Malaysia and China #talking abt how unfsir the decision was and then WENT ON TO WIN THE VERY NEXT RACE LIKE BRUH STFFUUUUUU #catie.rambling.txt

[deus-and-the-machina]

ngl the worst thing about the xenoblade fandom (which I think is the root cause of a lot of other issues) is that it’s mostly on twitter. I have to subject myself to twitter for any real consistent fan talk or content. legit there's always some new stupid topic of argument ive noticed in the past few weeks on there and its all very silly and frustrating and what im saying is everyone should move to Tumblr. please. for me. 

#siren says #the other root problem in the fandom is that as of 2 there's just a lot of fans who are clearly there for sexy anime lady reasons. and that #in turn bleeds into certain peoples perception of those characters as mostly sex symbols and attracts a lot of...certain kinds of #individuals. specifically ones who dont really understand what fandoms basic principals are. the amount of times ive seen someone going "um #but thats not canon or some comment along those lines is so stupidly high. and I thought it was just homophobia and certainly part of it is #but I also saw it on a fucking glimmer/nikol art??? like. neither of them have any other love interests and its a perfectly cute if cliche #pairing and you STILL have people being contrarian? I think a lot of these gamer bro types just dont understand basic fandom guidelines ngl #and idk I also feel kind of alienated from other queer fans bc I kind of like some of the ships most of them hate and I felt like if I ever #tried to reach out it would just be awkward idk. at least the people I see on tw who I think are very cool writers or artists or whatever #xenoblade really should be bigger on here Tumblr goes on and on about the romanticization of cannibalism and weird divine imagery #and machines that are also alive and maybe even angels and im like. BOY HOWDY DO I HAVE A SERIES FOR YOU #including saga and gears btw ESPECIALLY them actually. tumblr would love A's gender fuckery I just know it but A is stuck to mostly being #known by twitter a cruel fate for an enby if I ever saw one. free A :((((( #actually I just need to get a bunch of Aros into xenoblade they'd understand me then :3 understand me and my nontraditional relationship hcs #xenoblade #putting this in the main tags o7 pray for me

[e77y]

Long but relatively unserious vent/rant below the cut (sorry I added this in bc I realized how long this post is oops)

Being at the center of some kind of internet witchhunt (which ik is kind of buzzwordy but) is literally my biggest fear ohhh my god. Even a small scale one… I think I would Die. Maybe it’s because I had a similar thing happen with my friend group in high school where one of them convinced the others I was like evil and spread all these rumors about me… 😭 He was splitting on me but still. That’s an explanation, not an excuse. And it basically confirmed all of my intrusive thoughts about myself, and my personality completely self-destructed and changed, and I haven’t interacted with any of those people the same way since. I isolated from them for MONTHS and just loathed myself. Bleh

The reason it’s on my mind is bc I’ve seen this happen to friends and mutuals and even just people I’ve followed in small fandoms, where the whole fandom hates them bc of this little drama and like. I KNOW that fandom drama is not the end of the world, but truly I think that would destroy me for months. And I would never be able to set foot in those spaces again :’) Getting a handful of rude comments about a fucking transfem hc I had at like 14 made me stop writing fanfic for YEARS 😭😭😭 sigh. Just bc they said it was ‘out of character for him to want to be a girl’ 🙄 (<- character who canonically felt confident when dressed as a woman btw. initially for a disguise but then she grew to love it. BUT I DIGRESS KNSHFJW)

All this to say I think that’s why I tiptoe around everything I say online… I am SO scared of ruffling feathers, but I know that fandoms are places for like! Having fun! And it’s not a big deal! And it doesn’t affect my real life! But like idk.. I just hate the idea of being hated by anyone. I’m sure that I ANNOY some people, and that’s whatever; I talk a lot and make overly personal posts sometimes (like this lol) but I don’t wanna be HATED yk? And idek if it’s better to be hated and ostracized publicly or resented in secret by people who still interact with you… :( Agh. If you ever have an issue with me, please DM me instead of letting it build up into something worse!

ANYWAY LIKE.. with fandom stuff. Idk. I want to have fun! I want to write and post things on Tumblr and AO3 etc but I am just very scared of peoples’ opinions, especially now that I have a decently popular/well-liked longfic in DnDads. For some reason I have convinced myself that writing bad or self-indulgent NSFW will make everyone hate me lmao. Like girl the POINT of fanfic is to be self-indulgent……….. sigh I need to get out more

^ light-hearted… but also kinda true haha. I stay at home a lot just bc I don’t have many reasons to go out atm and only a handful of close friends to go out with. Hopefully that will change when I move next semester lol. And whenever I get interests, they’re VERY strong and long-lasting, and fanfic writing is one of my main hobbies, so I get REALLY into online communities. And rn that is kind of my little niche fandom Tumblr bubble… which is embarrassing and probably unhealthy but whatever. I just inevitably get a lot of anxiety about things that are important/fun to me (bc OCD), especially bc I’ve never really had mutuals/‘friends’ in a fandom before this, excluding my irls

Anyway this got longer and more vent-y than I intended so I will tag accordingly, and sorry to whoever is reading this lol; I just wanted to get my thoughts written down in a public forum bc idk… Makes me feel less insane when ik other people can see it, too. Helps me not take it too seriously and spiral lol.

#vent #cw vent #rant #delete later #<- like tomorrow morning I’m shre #usually I delete stuff like this immediately but I’ll try to keep it up #was talking to my mom earlier about OCD and intrusive thoughts and whatnot…. #she definitely has it too. like undoubtedly #her intrusive thoughts and compulsions sounded exactly like mine #which sucks for me bc my dad ALSO definitely has OCD (in a more outwardly recognizable way) so! wahoo! double whammy #just feeling kinda defeated about mental health stuff #I feel like it’s never gonna get better #I need to go to therapy or a psychiatrist or SOMETHING #it’s been like 4 years now since I was originally supposed to go lol #and I keep putting it off out of fear (I think) #my friends (irls) have all been getting diagnoses and prescriptions lately #which is exciting for them but :( idk. I feel like there’s no way to medicate whatever I’ve got going on except SSRIs???? #and I don’t really want that #mostly though I’m just scared of going back to therapy or to a psychiatrist bc I think they’ll think I’m lying or crazy or whatever #which sounds stupid when I write it out but idk #I should probably keep a journal but when I’m only writing for my own eyes I just kinda wallow in it and write concerning poetry lol #I like journaling in a way other people can see (even if y’all DON’T like seeing it lmaoooo) bc it makes it feel more real? #and out of my head.. concrete etc. #wackyposting #<- seriously need to change that tag still lol

[daz4i]

i know aging isn't the end of the world and 24 isn't that old and life isn't a race etc etc etc. however,

#i think a big reason i feel so bad abt being this age is ppl told me this is when things start to get better #and i still feel the same way i did as a teenager so. well. is it really 😐 #(being on t probably isn't helping but it's been over 3 years already so... not an excuse i think) #but I'm also physically aging like the reason i barely upload selfies anymore is i see myself getting uglier every day #despite fighting for my life to at least take care of my face and hair...... can't fight the passage of time 😔 #+ ofc. my (younger) friends being way more sorted out than i am on every level #again ik life isn't a race but. it can't help but hurt to know I'm still behind literally everyone i know #and my excuses for that aren't even good. bc other disabled ppl my age are also more sorted out than i am #other depressed ppl other borderlines other autistics etc etc. hell these are also my irl friends 😭 #and it's dumb. bc feeling like i wasted my life isn't really pushing me to change that now. just makes me want to die even more #(bc i mean what's the point. i will never catch up. I'm still at the starting line AND i move so slow it doesn't even count) #(i don't have a single milestone ppl my age have not even finishing high school which is like. the bare minimum) #(and it sucks bc i also know i have potential i KNOW i can do shit in theory i know I'm smart and got skills. but i can't put it to use) #(and now this is turning into less of a thing abt age and just generally me talking abt how i wasted the last 24 years) #this was more of a stressed rant abt how I'm turning ugly and feeling super old but well. it all boils down to self loathing at the end 👍 #vent #negative // #ask to tag #sorry for being so depressing all day oof ik i already said it before but it's been a rough couple of months #(nothing happened my brain just needs to get flushed down the toilet ^_^) #edit: i think. part of my panic about aging. is bc as a kid i was used to being the youngest everywhere #i was the youngest in my class bc i started school a year early. i was the youngest in acting school bc they don't normally accept teenagers #and in addition to that as an adult but before starting t i was always told that i LOOK young too #but now ik i look like I'm in my 20s. and it's killing me that i aged this much in so little #i wonder if shaving my beard will help but i don't wanna get misgendered 😐😐😐 and rn it's the only thing guarding me from that