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killianmesmalls · 3 years

Note

On your comments about Jack: ye-es, in the sense that Jack is a character who definitely deserved better than he was treated by the characters. The way Dean especially treats him reflects very badly on Dean, no question. But, speaking as a viewer, I think the perspective needs to shift a little bit.

To me, Jack is Dawn from Buffy, or Scrappy Doo. He’s an (in my opinion) irritating kid who is introduced out of nowhere to be both super vulnerable and super OP, and the jeopardy is centered around him in a way that has nothing to do with his actual character or relationships. He’s mostly around to be cute and to solve or create problems — he never has any firm character arcs or goals of his own, nor any deeper purpose in the meta narrative. In this way, he’s a miss for SPN, which focuses heavily on conflicts as metaphors for real life.

Mary fits so much better in that framework, and introducing her as a developed, flawed person works really well with the narrative. It is easy for us to care about Mary, both as the dead perfect mother on the pedestal and as the flawed, human woman who could not live up to her sons’ expectations. That connection is built into the core of SPN, and was developed over years, even before she was a character. When she was added, she was given depth and nuance organically, and treated as a flawed, complex character rather than as a plot device or a contrivance. She was given a voice and independence, and became a powerful metaphor for developing new understandings of our parents in adulthood, as well as an interesting and well-rounded character. You care that she’s dead, not just because Sam and Dean are sad, but for the loss of her development and the potential she offered. So, in that sense, I think a lot of people were frustrated that she died essentially fridged for a second time, and especially in service of the arc of a weaker character.

And like, you’re right, no one can figure out if Jack is a toddler or a teenager. He’s both and he’s neither, because he’s never anything consistently and his character arc is always “whatever the plot needs it to be.” Every episode is different. Is he Dean’s sunny opportunity to be a parent and make up for his dad’s shitty parenting? Yes! Is he also Dean’s worst failure and a reminder that he has done many horrible things, including to “innocent” children? Yes! Is he Cas’s child? Yes! Is he Dean’s child? Yes! But also, no! Is he Sam’s child? Yes! Is he a lonely teenager who does terrible things? Yes! Is he a totally innocent little lamb who doesn’t get why what he is doing is wrong? Yes! Is he the most powerful being in the universe? Yes! Does he need everyone to take care of him? Yes! Is he just along for the ride? Yes! Is he responsible for his actions? Kinda??? Sometimes??? What is he???

Mary as a character is narratively cohesive and fleshed-out. Jack is a mishmash of confusing whatever’s that all add up to a frustrating plot device with no consistent traits to latch on to. Everything that fans like about him (cute outfits, gender play, well-developed parental bonds with the characters) is fanon. So, yes, the narrative prioritizes Mary. Many fans prioritize Mary, at least enough that Dean’s most heinous acts barely register. To the narrative (not to Cas, which is a totally different situation), Jack is only barely more of a character than Emma Winchester, who Sam killed without uproar seasons earlier. He’s been around longer, but he’s equally not really real.

I debated on responding to this because, to tell the truth, I think we fundamentally disagree on a number of subjects and, as they say, true insanity is arguing with anyone on the internet. However, you spent a lot of time on the above and I feel it's only fair to say my thoughts, even if I don't believe it will sway you any more than what you said changed my opinions.

I'm assuming this was in response to this post regarding how Jack's accidental killing of Mary was treated so severely by the brothers, particularly Dean, because it was Mary and, had it been a random character like the security guard in 13x06, it would have been treated far differently. However, then the argument becomes less about the reaction of the Winchester brothers to this incident and more the value of Jack or Mary to the audience.

I believe we need to first admit that both characters are inherently archetypes—Mary as the Madonna character initially then, later, as a metaphor for how imperfect and truly human our parents are compared to the idol we have as children, and Jack as the overpowered child who is a Jesus allegory by the end. Both have a function within the story to serve the Winchester brothers, through whose lens and with whose biases we are meant to view the show's events. We also need to admit that the writers didn't think more than a season ahead for either character, especially since it wasn't initially supposed to be Mary that came back at the end of season 11 but John, and they only wrote enough for Jack in season 13 to gauge whether or not the audience would want him to continue on or if he needed to be killed off by the end of the season. Now, I know we curate our own experiences online which leads to us being in our own fandom echo chambers, however it is important to note that the character was immediately successful enough with the general audience that, after his first episode or two, he was basically guaranteed a longer future on the show.

I have to admit, I’m not entirely sure why the perspective of how his character is processed by some audience members versus others has any bearing on the argument that he deserved to be treated better overall by the other characters especially when taking their own previous actions in mind. I’m not going to tell you that your opinion is wrong regarding your feelings for Jack. It’s your opinion and you’re entitled to it, it harms no one to have it and express it. My feelings on Jack are clearly very different from your own, but this is really just two different people who processed a fictional person in different ways. I personally believe he has a purpose in the Winchesters’ story, including Castiel’s, as he reflects certain aspects of all of them, gives them a way to explore their own histories through a different perspective, and changes the overall dynamic of Team Free Will from “soldiers in arms” to a family (Misha’s words). In the beginning he allows Sam to work through his past as the “freak” and powerful, dangerous boy wonder destined to bring hell on earth. With Dean, his presence lets Dean work through his issues with John and asks whether he will let history repeat itself or if he’ll work to break the cycle. Regarding Cas, in my opinion he helps the angel reach his “final form” of a father, member of a family, lover and protector of humanity, rebellious son, and the true show of free will.

From strictly the story, he has several arcs that work within themes explored in Supernatural, such as the argument of nature versus nurture, the question of what we’re willing to give up in order to protect something or someone else and how ends justify the means, and the struggle between feeling helpless and powerless versus the corruptive nature of having too much power and the dangerous lack of a moral compass. His goals are mentioned and on display throughout his stint on the show, ones that are truly relatable to some viewers: the strong desire to belong—the need for family and what you’ll do to find and keep it.

With Mary, we first need to establish whether the two versions of her were a writing flaw due to the constant change in who was dictating her story and her relationship to the boys, which goes against the idea that her characterization was cohesive and fleshed-out but, rather, put together when needed for convenience, or if they both exist because, as stated above, we are seeing the show primarily through the biased lens of the Winchester brothers and come to face facts about the true Mary as they do. Like I said in my previous post, I don’t dislike Mary and I don’t blame her for her death (either one). However, I do have a hard time seeing her as a more nuanced, fleshed-out character than Jack. True, a lot of her problems are more adult in nature considering she has to struggle with losing her sons’ formative years and meeting them as whole adults she knows almost nothing about, all because of a choice she made before they were born.

However, her personal struggles being more “mature” in nature (as they center primarily on parental battles) doesn’t necessarily mean her story has layers and Jack’s does not. They are entirely different but sometimes interconnected in a way that adds to both of their arcs, like Mary taking Jack on as an adoptive son which gives her the moments of parenting she lost with Sam and Dean, and Jack having Mary as a parental figure who understands and supports him gives him that sense of belonging he had just been struggling with to the point of running away while he is also given the chance to show “even monsters can do good”.

I’d also argue that Jack being many ages at once isn’t poor writing so much as a metaphor for how, even if you’re forced to grow up fast, that doesn’t mean you’re a fully equipped adult. I don’t want to speak for anyone else, but I believe Jack simultaneously taking a lot of responsibility and constantly trying to prove to others he’s useful while having childish moments is relatable to some who were forced to play an adult role at a young age. He proves a number of times that he doesn’t need everyone to take care of him, but he also has limited life experience and, as such, will make some mistakes while he’s also being a valuable member of the group. Jack constantly exists on a fine line in multiple respects. Some may see that as a writing flaw but it is who the character was conceived to be: the balance between nature or nurture, between good and evil, between savior and devil.

Now, I was also frustrated Mary was “fridged” for a second time. It really provided no other purpose than to give the brothers more man pain to further the plot along. However, this can exist while also acknowledging that the way it happened and the subsequent fallout for Jack was also unnecessary and a sign of blatant hypocrisy from Dean, primarily, and Sam.

And, yes, Jack can be different things at once because, I mean, can’t we all? If Mary can be both the perfect mother and the flawed, independent, distant parent, can’t Jack be the sweet kid who helps his father-figures process their own feelings on fatherhood while also being a lost young-adult forcing them to face their failures? Both characters contain multitudes because, I mean, we all do.

I can provide articles or posts on Jack’s characterization and popularity along with Mary’s if needed, but for now I think this is a long enough ramble on my thoughts and feelings. I’m happy to discuss more, my messenger is always open for (polite) discussion. Until then, I’m going to leave it at we maybe agree to disagree.

#long post #long ask #so long answer #guys it's 1 am #i hope this made sense #watch me read this after sleep and register things i wish i said #oh well #jack kline #mary winchester #spn #supernatural #spn critical #supernatural critical #kinda?#eh just in case #spn meta #supernatural meta #jack meta

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hopeswriting · 3 years

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I meant to do a post about my thoughts on the Daily Life Arc now that I finished rereading it, but I can't seem to find the time and it's been a while now, and if I keep it up I'll forget what my thoughts are to begin with lol, so here's the long story short:

I know it's a long arc, as in it starts being boring and more or less unbearable past some point, because the "gag of the chapter" format only takes you so far, and not actually very far if Amano's humor doesn't work on you much, if at all. I don't think it's an arc you can reread right away/soon either, lest you feel that one flaw even faster.

And I felt it too, starting with the fourty-something chapters I felt like it was dragging on too much, though to be fair that probably had to do too with the fact I knew things much more interesting were coming after that.

Still, all that said, like, it's an enjoyable arc. Amano's humor happens to work on me, and she does it really well, and I liked reading the arc. There are some chapters where you're really asking yourself why they were written for lol, but even then you read it for the characters, and it somehow keeps you going.

And like, even though I think Amano could have seen the fact the comedy was going to turn repetitive and thus boring at some point, and try to diversify it or something, it's just how comedy/humor/gags works? Some jokes land and some doesn't, but for me at least a lot more of them worked than not.

The DLA is a good enough arc is what I'm saying.

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On than note and on the contrary, of course it's fine if you think it's a bad arc, to each their opinion, but personally I really don't agree it's an unnecessary one.

I'm saying this because apparently it's not uncommon to advice new fans to skip the arc and directly start with the Kokuyo one? (Or so I learned on TV Tropes anyway, this might or might not be still relevent/accurate.)

Now don't get me wrong, the DLA does fail to hook the readers to the story for the reasons stated above, I agree with that, but it literally introduces the main character? And all the other characters, and gets us to know them, and establishes the dynamics between them and why they're the way they are, and, though only in a more or less superficial manner (and more than less) by design of the arc's purpose (not being deep in any way lol), it still gives us an insight into the characters and why they're the way they are. A glimpse into the core of their personality, the "stakes" of their characters, the flaws they have to overcome.

And all that in the context of their daily life, so if you skip it to go directly to the arc that challenges them, you can't appreciate fully how they rise to the challenge, how it shows their growth or reasserts their core values. You can't know how much or what it means, for example, off the top of my head, to have Yamamoto sacrifice his arm to beat Ken, when only a year ago he tried to kill himself over his broken arm. Or Hibari losing against Mukuro, thus telling us how much of a real threat he was. Or Tsuna screaming at Lancia for having hurt his friends, anger on his face, clearly despite himself, that Dame-Tsuna.

All these just wouldn't hit you the same, and it'd be such a shame? I mean I guess the ones who start with the Kokuyo arc go back to read the DLA, or you could compromise like the anime did by splitting the DLA between more serious arcs, but like I said I personally don't find the DLA that bad, so I still wouldn't advice it lol.

Even if, I suppose, it'd mean they might give up on the manga somewhere through the DLA, but like? Some mangas just don't speak to you, and that's fine, and it'd be a little of a shame from my POV as a KHR fan, but still, no big deal.

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I'm still very impressed with how smoothly Amano went from a gag manga to a shonen one, and how she made it so the DLA still fits with the rest. I mean the sudden change in tone/stakes/etc is jarring, sure, but it's all based on stuff she introduced in the DLA, which she presumably came up with with no intention to ever make it something deeper/more meaningful.

It's easy to believe the foreshadowing, and generally speaking the worldbuilding was planned all along, which, again, probably not, and like? Super impressive.

(Though once more don't get me wrong, there are inconsistencies/plot holes in Amano's plotlines and worldbuilding, but not, like, at their seams, if I can say it like that? It's more often in the details, and it's fairly easy to fill in the blanks ourselves.)

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Finally it was a lot of fun to rediscover the characters in a new light, and a bit of a disbelieving surprise tbh.

For context before I started my reread of the manga, all this time I was going with the time I read/watched it years ago plus the times I skimmed it, but mostly by all the fanon I was consuming. And it's not to say fanon is wrong per se, but it latched on one to three character's traits, or slapped an easy character archetype on them easy to "relate" to within, and apparently never looked back lol. And also often dialed up those traits (good or bad) in a very noticeable manner.

What I'm saying is, fanon is, in fact, wrong sometimes zldnslsz, and the characters are much more nuanced even in the DLA! (Which still leaves us at a more or less superficial level, because, you know lol, but still!)

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To name the ones that stood out to me the most:

Nana isn't abused by Iemitsu, nor is she unhappy in her marriage despite Iemitsu being an absent husband (which is not relevent in the context of the DLA, but still, you can tell). She isn't an abusive mother to Tsuna either, and she is literally never an airhead. She literally just isn't, she actually does react very normally to the crazy Reborn brings with him, but much like Yamamoto as long as no one gets hurt (or walks it off), she just brushes it off.

And she has friends she goes listen to piano recitals with, and tries to save on money by eating rests, and gets in two-way arguments with Tsuna, and raises his allowance if he gets better grades to push him to work harder, and all around is just your average mom that really didn't read as just The Mom, if you know what I mean.

She has her flaws, definitely, she's not a great mom, namely is apparently used to call Tsuna Dame-Tsuna, but she's not just that.

She takes care of him, worries over him, and seems to be the only one who hasn't given up on him yet when the story starts. She supports him (though sometimes in a tactless to hurtful way), praises him when he does well, and trusts him to watch over the kids.

She's not that bad is what I'm saying, and 100% redeemable (that is, if you think she needs to be redeemed to begin with, which I actually do think she does, calling Tsuna Dame of all things is just a really shitty thing to do.)

(Though it's interesting to note that she doesn't do it again after what happened with Kyoko iirc, even if she might very well still talk to him in a belittling way at times. I just wish Amano would have commit fully to acknowledge it and resolve it, what with already having made it Kyoko's Dying Will Regret.)

(Edit: I had forgotten but she literally forgets his birthday while preparing someone else's birthday, so I take back that she is 100% redeemable because it's being too nice. But my point still stands.)

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Haru is literally such a fun character, it makes me even more sad now to know what Amano did with her (nothing ansknslq 😭😂).

She's unhinged, has zero impulse control, does not reflect on the consequences of her lack of impulse control as Tsuna points it out, is ready and willing to throw hands at any given moment and is unapologetic of it, and is the one Amano actually calls an airhead.

The only problem she had with the mafia is that she thought Tsuna was forcing it on Reborn, and when she confirmed it was all true she literally didn't even blink at it, and immediately called herself the future Decimo's wife djosdkkd.

On that note she is literally mafia right from her first appearance, is more or less involved in almost all the mafia shenanigans, was right there with Tsuna & Co when they went to destroy the Tomaso's headquarters.

And like?? Amano could just have left it at that if she wasn't going to do anything else/more with it. Haru had so much potential, and not only Amano did nothing with it, she actually watered her down and took away all her distinct character's traits 😭.

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Hibari is so much more feral and playful than his fanon cool, overpowered, quiet badass counterpart. Which I love too, don't get me wrong, but these two sides of him don't have to be exclusive!

He talks and smiles and jokes often, and shows off and casually insults you, and licks the blood away from his lips after having beaten bloody other middle schoolers who dared to defy him (I know this happens in the Kokuyo arc, but it illustrates my point the best).

Not much more to add than that, we should just acknowledge that and put it in our works more often.

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Gokudera is a compelling character from the get go, and as far as the DLA goes, he's the most compelling character second to Tsuna. He's the only one to actually have flashbacks and a backstory. And what stood out to me the most that I don't see often in fanon, is that he's really a good friend.

Yes he has a short fuse and snaps easily and is easy to anger, but he's not always angry. And is seen having and being capable of positive exchanges outside of Tsuna (I'm thinking Yamamoto namely, who's made with Ryohei to be the one he gets angry with the most).

And yes he holds Tsuna on a pedestal and sees him through heavily tinted pink glasses, but even through that he's earnestly a good friend. And tries his best, and is hardworking and overachieving, so much so he messes up without meaning to, but he only ever has honest, straight-forward good intentions behind it all (well, maybe not always lol).

I love him a lot more now is what I'm saying.

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And Tsuna. I'm not sure I'll be able to articulate my thoughts properly, but like... he's just your average teenager. Which of course is his whole thing, and I'm saying it in a very not judgy way whatsoever, but he's often made to be at least a little more than that, namely about his bullying.

Like, it's kind of dramatised in fics? And I'm not going to elaborate on that more because it might come out wrong and I don't want that, but it's just, like—canonically he is just bullied, simple as that. Like many other teenagers are.

And it's all in a "chill" way (for unfortunate lack of a better word, I don't mean to trivialize bullying at all, it's wrong and unfair and never deserved or okay, just so we're clear), and by the time the story starts Tsuna is used to it and has given up fighting against it, and actually finds refuge and a twisted comfort in embracing his Dame-Tsuna's monicker, because at least he's not gonna hit rock bottom deeper than that if he does.

And I'm not actually going anywhere with this, it's just? It hit me how differently canon and fanon portray his bullying.

Back on the note of him being a (below) average teenager, Tsuna is not an uwu pure cinnamon roll too good for this world.

He's literally so quick to judge and criticise, whether in his head or out loud when he knows more the person (namely Haru lol, poor girl), it was actually a bit of a shock tbh lol. He snaps easily, and is lazy, does not want to try even one bit, and is happy to run away from his responsibilities whenever he can.

And not only I'm not saying that in a judgy way this time either, but I'm actually saying it in a good way. He really felt like your average middle schooler, and it was so refreshing to see. That, plus the fact the narrative never holds it against him, let alone punishes him for it even if he's made to grow out of these traits, and it's literally part of his character arc, is kind of unique for the shonen genre (maybe, I'm not exactly a specialist of shonen mangas lol).

And I can see why you'd want to change it in fics, but personally I think it really makes his character's arc even more meaningful.

#katekyo hitman reborn #khr #khr text post #daily life arc #i said long story short but this is actually the long story 😭#lile a lot of things i just really need to start to keep going uh sbdlsnks #if the read more doesn't work i'll add it on desktop as soon as i get my hands on a computer #in the meantime sorry about that #khr reread

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fatesdeepdive · 3 years

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Entry 51: Waiting 37 Turns for a Character I Hate

Paralogue 13: After the End

Subaki and Hayato travel through the dark, creepy forest where Hayato’s daughter Rhajat lives. After seeing an army of faceless, Hayato explains that Rhajat experiments with the dark arts and summoned the faceless to be her minions. We then get a good look at Rhajat and

Oh god.

Oh no.

So Rhajat is just Tharja from Awakening. And Tharja, the obsessive evil fanservice Yandere she is, wasn’t my first pick for a character to reappear. I did personally enjoy a lot of the black comedy from Tharja, but the obsessiveness with Robin got old and made her unbearable in romantic Supports. She was also heavily used for fanservice, leading to her being one of the Awakening characters with the most appearances in other games, despite characters with much more depth existing.

Fortunately for everyone who hated Tharja, you can recruit Rhajat by beating her up. Alternatively, you can talk to her with Hayato and have him tell her to cut it out. But where’s the fun in that?

Similar to Leo’s boss chapter, this map is filled with faceless and poison bogs. To be honest, I kinda find faceless chapters to be boring; the lack of a weapon triangle makes fighting them less strategic. It was made worse in this one by the constant reinforcements that don’t stop when Rhajat gets KOd. I decided to ignore closing up the enemy-respawning bogs, figuring that I could take out the army on my own. After being surrounded by fifty faceless, I realized that was dumb.

So anyway 37 turns later, Hayato lectures Rhajat on summoning unholy abominations and recruits her so he can keep an eye on her. Subaki and Rhajat joke about making potions to make Hayato taller and less childish.

Also, Corrin saves Rhajat from a faceless so she’s in love with her now and wants to stalk her forever. Yay. And, fun fact, the dialogue does change if Corrin is Rhajat’s mother, but it’s still every bit as creepy and obsessive.

Rhajat

Tharja from Awakening. A creepy, obsessive, yandere Dark Mage. Or, more accurately, a yandere Diviner, because dark magic is a Nohrian thing. I got enough Tharja from Awakening and Heroes, so I’m not too fond of Tharja coming back. At least the fact that she’s a child means she won’t be abusive this time. Her personal skill, Vendetta, makes her do extra damage if she fights an enemy multiple times.

Support: Hayato/Rhajat

C: Hayato lectures Rhajay on how she needs to be more social. Rhajat ignores him because he's just a kid.

B: Rhajat explains that she is actually older than her father because of all her time in the Deeprealms.

A: Hayato apologizes for leaving her alone for so long and calls himself a selfish child. He says he'll always love her, regardless of how old she gets.

Review: Actually a genuinely good Support, surprisingly enough. It examines a logical end result of this game’s stupid stupid fucking story and uses it to have a bittersweet Support. Giving it to Hayato is especially fitting.

Support: Rhajat/Mother

C: Rhaja performs a "good luck" spell on a bunch of villagers. All of them get sick. Her mother asks her if she made them sick by accident and tells her to fix it so they won't fear her. Rhajat says people will fear her anyway, so what's the point?

B: Rhajat's mother attempts to help the villagers without Rhajat finding out.

A: Rhajat reveals that she isn't to blame and creates an herb that cures the villagers. Rhajat says that she didn't explain jack shit because she doesn't care what the villagers think of her, only that her mother trusts her.

Review: This one is kinda weird, to be honest. Rhajat doesn’t exonerate herself and is upset that her mother doesn’t trust her, despite the fact that her Paralogue has her potentially killing members of our army by accident. Rhajat should be viewed with suspicion!

Support: Corrin/Rhajat

C: Rhajat stares at her soulmate, Corrin.

B: Rhajat stalks Corrin, giggling. Rhajat reveals that Corrin saved her once before Paralogue 13, when she was a little girl and fell off a cliff.

A: Corrin apologizes for being creeped out by Rhajat stalking them. This is not the type of thing you should apologize for. This is not a healthy Support.

S: Rhajat says she'll stop stalking Corrin. Corrin says that Rhajat should keep stalking, because they enjoy it. They get married.

Review: Yeah, no. This one is creepy, not cute.

Now you may be thinking, wait a minute, this dumb fucking blog writer mislabelled that Support! The male Corrin/child unit Supports are normally labeled Moron/Whatever. The thing is, both genders of Corrin have identical Supports with Rhajat. Including the S-Rank.

Rhajat and Corrin are both canonically bisexual. So is Niles from Conquest, by the way. Fates was the first Fire Emblem game, after twenty-five years and thirteen other installments, to feature openly LGBT characters. And I mean...representation is good. As a concept, representation is good. This game’s representation is very very bad, though.

It’s kinda shitty that the first openly bisexual Fire Emblem character is a vaguely evil stalker yandere. It plays into a ton of quite frankly horrible stereotypes. And Niles isn’t too much better. And oh god, do not get me started on Soleil.

It’s good this game had representation. But goddamn is the representation awful. And it’s made worse that it only comes in the form of two characters, one barely relevant to the plot, who just reuse their conversations with Corrin of the opposite sex. It’s an afterthought, really.

I don’t know enough about Japanese politics to speak with confidence on this issue; from what I’ve heard, gay rights were a bit more controversial there in 2015 than in the US. But also, who gives a shit? It’s the job of an artist to go against social norms. If society says that having gay characters that aren’t stereotypes is wrong, then fuck society.

Fortunately, Three Houses had better representation. Not good representation, it’s a lot of the same stuff in this game. But at least it’s slightly better.

Oh, one more thing on this Support. I don’t normally talk about the Japanese version of this game, both because I don’t know much about it and because this is focused on the English translation. That said, I do know that the Japanese version of this Support implies that Robin and Tharja from Awakening are reincarnations of Corrin and Rhajat, respectively. And that’s kinda dumb. Rhajat is a recycled Tharja, but Corrin and Robin have nothing in common besides being protagonists. Also, that makes the question of when this game takes place in relation to Awakening even more complicated.

And, with that, we are out of Portal Babies! Time to play Conquest.

#rhajat fire emblem #hayato fire emblem #tharja fire emblem #corrin fire emblem #fire emblem fates #fire emblem awakening #fe 14

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mooglesorts · 3 years

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man. it's weird, because there's a lot of things about me that are Very Badger Primary, to the point where i would probably pick it with a strong bird model over anything else at this point... except that i hate dehumanization. i saw primaries described recently as 'things you wouldn't be you anymore if you went against,' and more than just about anything else that's it. even when i think people are monsters, i can't see them as not human; i'd be hard put to define exactly what i consider a 'monster,' but it's more about like. good faith than personhood, i suppose?

it's not necessarily a permanent status to be one--people can change--but my deeply held instinct is that once you have done something monstrous you will always be a person who has been a monster by your own choices, and that it's your duty to learn how to accept that while still living your life, and act accordingly from thereon out. you have to reconcile that you are a person with the fact that some doors are closed to you now, and it's up to you to decide what you do from there.

just. like. even when i hate someone and as far as i'm concerned they can go fuck themself, even in the multiple Heavily Badger social environments i've been in over the course of my life--church, progressive circles, the way the structure of the internet kind of just affects you in general--even on occasions where i've gotten swept away and given in to the pressure to dehumanize (or perform it) for a minute, there's always, always been a voice in the back of my head saying this is a person. this is a person. this is a person. this isn't right.

unintentional dehumanization sets off my '...should we really be doing this? we are getting into not good territory here, it's time to pull up and start questioning' alarms. explicit, intentional, purposeful dehumanization sets off the whole ass tornado sirens. if people on my side are doing it it's enough to throw me into a system-destabilizing crisis, because NO NO NO I WANT TO GET OFF THIS RIDE, I WANT NO PART OF THESE PEOPLE'S MORAL SYSTEM, I FEEL UNCLEAN. it's a good way to make sure i will never, ever, ever trust someone again.

things that are Really Really Badger, off the top of my head (after the cut because Long and trauma talk):

[[MORE]]

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-i've always loved playing adoptable games, pet simulators, etc? any game with randomly generated characters that are Yours Now and a Community, in a deeply badgery way. including games where they can die (the satisfying part is making sure they don't). except that, no matter how much fun the gameplay is, if it gets to the point where they start feeling disposable, and the only way to really keep playing is to stop humanizing them, i lose interest. it's super fucking depressing. it feels like part of me dying inside a little. i don't like it at all.

-i've always been drawn to fandoms and roleplaying communities. i was fiercely loyal to, and proud of, my first rp community on dragoncave as a 13-year-old. when my abusive mom found out about it and completely isolated me for half a year, the promise of being able to make it back to them--just sneakier this time--kept me going; when i finally got back and the group had drifted apart in my absence, it.... was absolutely devastating. i never really recovered from it. even then, i spent years trying to get the group back together every now and then, until i finally gave up.

-i am always keenly, painfully aware of the life cycle of a community. every time i hear the sentiment 'you guys are all great and i love this group' my stomach drops, because i know it's only a matter of time before things go sour or the group dissolves. rp groups, skype chats/discord servers, fandoms, you name it, i am always bracing myself or staying away entirely to avoid the inevitable and it hurts. and it hurts to see people taking part in a community i don't dare be part of, which makes lurking in fandoms... really rough. frankly, it takes me a lot of courage every time i express my appreciation for the shc community because i've been burned so many times.

-on that note: i went through some really traumatic stuff at the end of 2020 that completely turned my life upside down, and i was doing bad until i stumbled across the shc community. the moment i started engaging, it was a huge boost to my mental health, and my ability to cope with circumstances under which i was about to break down spectacularly. and it has been ever since! contributing to The Group Project and seeing other folks being friendly with each other gives me the happy feelings.

-i used to go out of my way to build and run spaces, mainly fandom and rp spaces, and took a lot of pride in engineering them so that they Functioned Well. unfortunately it wore me the hell down over the years for Burnt Badger Reasons, and now i'm too jaded, bitter, and exhausted to give a shit about being a mod/community leader anymore because of it lmao

-among those burnt badger things i relate HARD to the Red Ledger narrative. hoo boy.

-i wish i could find it again, but there was an mlp comic i saw once which went into luna's observations of what each element of harmony Means. with the element of friendship, she says that twilight has a massive amount of love to give; right now it's all focused on celestia, but when she learns to expand it outward she'll have grown into her full potential as a person, and she'll change the world. that struck a chord with how i used to feel, hard, and it's really stuck with me ever since. (hello, unhealthy snake model)

-emphasis on 'used to feel,' lmao

-got super invested in a really toxic '''mental health''' community at a low point in my life; exploded HARD trying to help everyone i could; got into vicious, protracted fights with the shitty mods for years about the harmful way they ran their community until i finally managed to go 'fuck this it's not getting better' and leave.

-had to numb myself emotionally to the people around me for a long time once i really started learning about mental health and trauma stuff, because now i was seeing signs of their pain and baggage everywhere i looked, and i couldn't handle not being able to help.

-the imagery with which i think about my bird primary is overwhelmingly negative. whether it's my actual primary or a model, i uh. i feel like a healthy relationship to one's primary doesn't involve associating it with gore.

-i saw a conversation recently about how birds think of morality in terms of 'if you can, you should,' and how that's scary for badgers because their definition of 'can' involves destroying yourself for the sake of that 'should,' and... yeah, that's a mood. that's a BIG mood. thinking about bird primary stuff is hard--and i had to pick up my lion model to deal with it--because it's so easy for me to spiral into a self-shredding spiral of other people are counting on you to do the right thing, how dare you pull back for your own health and sanity. how dare you turn your back for even a minute. how dare you rest. the work is never done.

which is... a very exploded badger approach to exploded bird morality. whoops.

-fix-it and time travel fiction in which Everything Went Right This Time and It's Going to Be Okay are one of my very favorite self-indulgent fantasies. i will enjoy putting characters through the wringer in all kinds of creatively horrific ways which may or may not end on a downer note, certainly, i love that shit, but i will also 90% of the time have a backup version of the arc or dynamic that's softer and lighter and Actually Healthy This Time. it's the dichotomy there that really gets me tbh, a story where Everything Ends Happily by default will mmmaybe pull me in? but stories where there's the constant shadow of this could end horribly, it's supposed to end horribly, and we got a happy fucking ending anyway are just... that shit will make me cry, man.

it's also why i kind of really hate stable time loop stories where it initially looks like this is going to be The Good Timeline this time around, but OOPSIE everything went to shit anyway! we're right back where we started, just like it was meant to be all along! it's a tired cliche by this point and an unsatisfying one for me, and it makes me roll my eyes every time.

-this is relevant to the bird vs. badger because like... my gut instinct is to prioritize people over systems. when shit hits the fan, when someone's fallen into the machinery and is about to get hurt, i don't feel right about it if i just let it happen. i'll break the machinery if i have to to keep it away from them; i won't feel great about that, and it might cause problems, but fuck it, we'll figure it out later. throwing people into the gears of a system when i'm convinced it's the only option makes me feel Awful.

-related to the above, another trope that really speaks to me in fiction is when a character defies the rules of reality through sheer force of will. no, this is not happening, i don't give a shit what the limits are supposed to be. i refuse to let this be the way things are. (there's that lion model.)

-i've just kind of... always wanted to be an Everyone Badger. it makes me sad how much of that i've lost over the years as i've gotten more cynical, but it's what i wish i could be.

---

doubtless i'll think of more the moment i hit send, and there are just as many things about me that are Super Bird Primary, but like... mamma mia that's some spicy badger. the main thing stopping me is the Can't and Refuse to Dehumanize bit. i also... hm. i think i can function okay without a community? they just help a lot, and it sucks when i'm confronted with one i don't have a (stable) place in. any thoughts? is it possible for a bird system's foundation to run so deep that eventually it overrides the bird?

#shc #sortinghatchats #sorting hat chats #badger primary #bird primary #burned badger primary #exploded badger primary #exploded bird primary #burned houses #exploded houses #abuse cw #gore implied cw #moogle hat talks

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gemstoneconstellations · 4 years

Note

Hello (⌒▽⌒), this is the online friend/crush anon! Or Lemo if you like lol. So since i absolutely LOVEE your writing ive been wanting to request a HC again! (hope you dont mind). How about a Bakugo with a crush that has been in a "friends with benefits" relationship with another character (ur choise) and fell in love for it to be one sidded? And Bakugo relating with them since his love is one sidded to? Sorry its long agajn lol - Lemo🍋

I chose Todoroki to be the other person, just cause.

Honestly this was a little hard because the whole time I was thinking of Karma’s a Bitch by @meganshinsou-tm, its really good, its tetsu x reader with bakugo x reader endgame. this fic made me so physically angry that I cant even describe it. I couldn't look at tetsu for a few days without feeling mad all over again. the end, mmmmmm, *chef kisses* Bakugo be petty but I love it. There are three parts and you should read it. I read it maybe a few times, I lost count.

Enough fangirling, here are my hcs.

You were part of his friend group first. You were a friend of Ashido and Kirishima’s from middle school that came over on the weekends once in a while.

He didn't even realize how he felt till he noticed how you would disappear from the group and saw you talking a little too close to Todoroki

It got worse when he noticed how comfortable the two of you were together. How easily it was for Todoroki to be so close to you while he can barely keep his mouth shut long enough to not say something stupid

One night he went down to get a drink, not bothering to turn on any of the lights when he saw you leaving. Your clothes disoriented and a very obvious hickey on your neck. He had barely taken one sip out of his bottle before it melted between his fingers.

Next day when they were changing for hero training, he heard Deku gasp loudly. “Todoroki! What happened to your back?!” Bakugo started breathing heavily through his nose as he saw scratch marks along his shoulder blades. Not even Kirishima’s unbreakable form was able to withstand him that day.

“OMG you’re sleeping with Todoroki?” Bakugo overheard you and Ashido gossiping together, talking about all the “fun stuff you were having with Todoroki”. It made him gag.

“We were talking and he never experienced any of that kind of stuff before, romance and all that jazz, and he wanted to try. So I offered to, ya know, help?” Ashido squealed at hearing how basically you offered yourself as fucking Todoroki’s practice girl.

That’s bullshit. You dont need to be anyones fucking practice girl. If it was him, he would have made you his and his alone a year ago. He realized where his thoughts were going and it made him feel sicker.

The moment he heard that you hoped that this develops into a romantic relationship, he stormed out, texting Deku, of all people, to spar with him to let off some steam.

Weeks went by, Bakugo avoiding you as much as possible when you came by. If he could choose not to feel the pain in his chest over you, he will. Crushes are bullshit. It wasn’t too hard when you spent all your time with Todoroki.

He was completely thrown off when he saw you in Mina’s room for squad movie night, on a Saturday. You waved meekly at him, huddled in a corner on Mina’s bed. He huffed, sitting in a chair on the floor.

It was super awkward, everyone was being super nice to you, offering you snacks and drinks, while he avoided your eyes.

By the end of the night, the entire squad but him and you were asleep. Bakugo sat back with you behind him as he flipped through different movie selections, finding something that wasn't potentially awkward with a romantic atmosphere.

“Haven’t hung out with you in a while”

He grunted “Yeah, did IcyHot’s dick melt off?”He tried not to sound so bitter.

“Don’t know, haven’t touched it since I confessed and he said he had no interest in me like that.”

Bakugo paused, turning around to face you still with your knees pulled up to your chest. You told him the story of how you spilled the beans about your feelings during a session (he tried not to gag) and he immediately stopped everything, cutting you out.

He turned back towards the tv, “It hurts. Fucking caring for someone you know won’t care for you the way you want them too. Makes you never want to see them again but miss them so much it hurts even more. Seeing them makes you feel better and fucked up all at once and it… just fucking sucks…” He rubbed his eyes, telling himself not to cry like a fucking pussy.

Kirishima, who he thought was asleep, put a hand on his leg. Of course shitty hair noticed.

“You have someone like that too?” Bakugo didn't answer you, only grunted. “I hope we can both move on from them…”

“Yeah, I fucking wish…”

#bakugo x reader #bakugo katsuki x reader #bakugou katsuki x reader #todoroki shouto x reader #todoroki shoto x reader #todoroki x reader

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sinkix · 4 years

Text

《What your fav Haikyuu!! Character says about you│Nekoma Edition》

Yo-hoo! Here’s another part to this potential(?) series! I hope you enjoy the possible call-outs in some of these lmao. Writers block been kicking my ass recently but I had a lot of fun writing these. Enjoy <3

You can find the Karasuno ver. here

✧✧✧✧✧ ✧✧✧✧✧ ✧✧✧✧✧ ✧✧✧✧✧

Kuroo:

Have a hand fetish and will not say no to choking.

Daddy kink™

Will not accept anything below 6 inches.

More of a dog person but would love to own a black cat.

You drool over tattoos.

Your grades are mostly B’s but you know in your heart you deserve that A, and tbh you probably do. Chase ur goals bby.

Halloween is likely your favourite holiday.

You have to resist not to carve a dick into the pumpkin EvEry GodDAmN YeAr.

You either study for 6 hours consecutively or cannot study at all and you get very frustrated at this.

Have the potential to be a good leader and command the room but probably don’t put it to use as much as you should.

Your playlist parkours from sad 3am crying into your pillow songs to aggressive punk music you could rob a store to.

You like bad boys who hang around bars and look like they would put out a cigarette on your forearm and call you a slut. Just stating facts sweaty xoxo.

Either dress very feminine and girly with a ‘smol girl uwu’ aesthetic or a hardass punk who would kick your ass for a can of beer no in between and tbh both are equally hot.

You’re a big softie at heart either way and just want to be held and told everything will be okay.

Ur a hoe for when people stroke your hair or caress your chin it’s your ultimate weakness.

Watched Rick & Morty.

Twice.

Sleeves rolled up veiny forearms and donning a silver watch are your muse and something you fantasise about frequently.

Most of your memes are shitty top text bottom texts that are somehow funny and I don’t understand why lmao.

You call someone ‘bro’ even if it’s someone you’re immensely attracted to.

Did someone say ties? No it’s just ur dirty ass thoughts thinking about that hot business dudes attire from across the street and how you wish they were tied around ur wrists.

Probably had a crush on Jeff the Killer as a tween and are relentlessly haunted by your old Wattpad library.

Tbh any dark-haired dude with bedhead that screams rugged and probably not good for you is something that draws you like a moth to a flame.

You often question why every person you’ve fallen for has been a Scorpio and curse that tendency of yours.

Dw man they’re hot so I feel u.

Kenma:

Went through a ‘I’m not like other __’ phase and it’s something that you think about a lot and wish you didn’t.

Watched dan & phil as a kid.

Any mention of Pokemon has you turning into a rabid beast you get way too excited.

It’s cute though dw bby.

Pretty antisocial but interesting to talk to.

Your family often question how you’re able to sleep in till 3pm and judge you heavily for it.

Nocturnal night owl gang rise up.

Frequently have bags under your eyes but somehow manage to pull it off.

Listen to ASMR on the down-low and will never admit it to a single soul.

Frequently go on BL binges and have many related book marks.

You pray that someone will never find your laptop bc holy fuck the amount of smut on that.

You wear scarves & beanies even when it isn’t that cold outside.

100% went through a scene hair phase/attempted to.

You dye your hair a lot or REALLY want to.

You have a voice kink low-key so anyone with a pleasant/soothing sounding voice just gets u goin’.

Cats are your favourite animal and you either do or want to own several.

Would name them after video game/anime characters u fuckin nerd lol.

Speaking of cats ,you fantasise heavily about cat-boys and have a folder dedicated to them.

Oversized hoodies are your vibe and always ball the sleeve hems in your fist as a comfort mechanism.

Shopping centres are your worst nightmare and trigger your claustrophobia or social anxiety and honestly I feel that spiritually.

Have a cute sticky note collection.

You like a lot of music consisting of guitar and slow/soothing beats.

You also fw EDM/ techno on occasions.

Honestly wouldn’t wanna anger you since you have a seething temper when pushed far enough.

It’s the kinda temper that’s eerily quiet but no less terrifying, like the other person can tell you are graphically plotting their demise.

You love sleeping to the sound of rainfall and often play those nature ambience videos while you sleep.

Never tidy your sheets and it’s just a big scrunched up heap of fabric in the centre of your mattress most of the time.

Make your fucking bed.

Lev:

Your ships are chaotic and shamelessly controversial.

Would do something just for the sake of creating mayhem lmao.

You were the fucker who stuck their chewing gum under the desk, I see you.

Your brain never stops whirring it’s a constant hurricane of crackhead energy and you have no idea how to turn it off.

Would eat a stick of pencil lead for $2

You don’t help your situation with the amount of coffee/energy drinks you consume.

The class clown who cries themselves to sleep.

Such a wholesome dumbass but somehow kinda intimidating???

Even if you’re not confident you can do something you’ll try anyway and honestly I respect that about you.

You !! use!!! a lot??!! of!! random punctuation!!! so you always??!?!? seem!!111!! excited!!!!!11!?

Every time you’ve ever tried to make a sandcastle it has failed.

You tried to eat the sand once but we don’t talk bout that.

You would also pick up slugs and snails and chase your friends around with them.

Can never tell whether people are laughing with you or at you and while you don’t let it show it high-key bothers you when you’re laying alone in your room at night.

Not one to hold grudges, you carry a ‘shit happens’ mentality which is v good but it sometimes leads to people taking advantage of it or walking all over you.

Your meme collection is both questionable and horrifying.

Like how many cursed images and heavily distorted pictures does one person need.

Never organise the files on your PC/laptop so it looks like a complete dumpster fire.

The one at sleepovers who persistently woke everyone else up with their snickering and refusal to sleep till dawn.

For the love of Asahi charge your damn phone.

I see that red bar and ‘12%’

Charge it now.

Bought a plant one time, gave it a name and talked to it frequently.

It died not long after bc u forgot to fucking water it.

No one better ever make you responsible for a pet.

Type of person that when someone asks you to tag along on an endeavour no matter how stupid it is you will agree.

2am skydiving in france? hell yeah.

Midnight shopping spree and spending over half your pay check? count you in.

Exploring an abandoned hospital and performing an Ouija board to summon the demons of hell? you’re damn right you’ll be there.

I hope you have a mum friend by your side bc if not how are you still alive.

You sometimes put the milk in before the cereal and it’s something I’ll never forgive you for.

Yaku:

Very responsible and usually make the right decisions.

You do have moments where you act like a complete dumbass though.

Like u go from 50 year old to 5 year old in the blink of an eye.

A hopeless romantic but it’s a side you don’t often reveal.

Prefer strawberry milk over any other flavour.

You’re the type of person to shower twice a day w/o fail.

Where that stank smell coming from? Not you clearly bc your skin is basically 90% The Body Shop’s rose scented soap at this point.

You get stomach aches a lot and you can’t figure out why.

Probably an allergy to everyone’s bs.

Really good at dirty talk even though you don’t seem the type so people are always taken aback.

You have to be really in the mood though otherwise it falls flatter than Oikawa’s ass, use your skill wisely.

You often call people clowns when you know you’re secretly the biggest one going.

Honk honk, hoe.

You send messages in one paragraph rather than multiple texts unless you are REALLY excited.

People underestimate you at times then are shocked when they realise you are capable of being a fire-breathing dragon from the flaming pits of hell.

You like spicy chicken wings.

Such a petty little shit at times lmao.

Enjoy the view from the top of mountains so you either hike a lot or really want to.

Way more of a cat person since it’s just much more convenient for you.

Usually pretty cheerful or calm and people are drawn to your stable/friendly aura.

Went through a phase of drinking mountain dew and your body still feels the awful effects

Fav element is probably air.

You’re 5′6″ or shorter.

Box dyed your hair brunette several times and can never get the pigment out to this day.

Yamamoto:

Whenever you smell something weird in the room you always internally freak out and think it’s you.

Head-butting walls is your hobby.

You fell off your bike as a kid and still have the scar on your knee.

Probably have tons of ear piercings.

Would tame a pigeon and call it Larry.

You get frequent nosebleeds and can never tell if it’s a medical issue or your extreme simping for fictional men/women.

Hopefully the latter.

You constantly chew your pen/pencil in class so you never lend them to anyone out of embarrassment.

I really hope no one ever lends you stationery bc 30 minutes later it’ll look like it was mauled by a rabid rottweiler.

You really want to own a dog and would call it something intimidating like Banshee or Diablo.

You bleached your hair that one time and it almost fell out so now you’re forced to stay at least 10 metres away from all at-home hair dye products.

You tried your best though bby so A for effort, even if it did look like dehydrated ramen afterwards.

Your grades are mostly C’s and you’re barely passing bc you just don’t care about your classes lol.

Still though you’re actually pretty smart so put it to good use you lazy oaf, channel that crackhead energy into something good.

Your phone screen has several cracks in it from when you dropped it on the bathroom floor while shitting and you’ll always be angry at yourself for that.

You have some really weird quirks but you make it work.

Actually a v chill person but you just kinda attract chaos/trouble wherever you go.

Carry a lighter with you even when you don’t need one.

Shy texter but once people see you irl you are the complete opposite, you just dk how to text without coming across as awkward.

One of those people that’s unintentionally funny and always get confused when you make someone laugh but it makes you feel good regardless.

Have a cool necklace collection and own at least one dog-tag/army style pendant.

Should really consider buying a rabbit you would look so cute w/ one.

You have really nice legs and people should compliment them more.

Either severely dehydrated or overly hydrated to the point you are peeing pure tap water so for the love of god please learn moderation, your kidneys and bladder will thank you for it.

Inuoka:

Your favourite character would be Hinata but you like people taller than you so your love for Inuoka spawned.

You really enjoy using the double spiderman meme.

Cannot correctly verbalise your feelings without creating a minimum of 10 misunderstandings but once people are used to it it’s kinda endearing.

You usually wake up in a good mood and people can never fathom how or why.

You either stay up till 5am or you wake up at that time no in between.

A morning person bc you love the sunrise.

Change your lock-screen very regularly bc you get bored.

Your humour consists solely of poop jokes.

When you don’t understand a joke you laugh anyway and hope they don’t ask you if you actually get it.

Happened once and you’re still traumatised from the cricket silence that fell upon the room.

Really like the taste of lemonade and drink it more often than you should.

Often think about what you would look like with a shaved head.

More of an extrovert but def have occasional introvert tendencies where you wanna be left tf alone.

Never allowed to pick up anything in stores bc the last time you did you sniffed a scented candle and it shattered to the floor.

Constantly have spontaneous ideas of what to change about your appearance.

You use a lot of hand gestures like thumbs up and peace signs.

‘Dude’ and ‘lmao’ is 90% of your vernacular.

Your nails are a disaster, some are down to the nub while others are pretty grown out bc you only bite a select few please sort it out.

Look really good in red.

Your laptop has way too many tabs open from random google searches of words you didn’t know the meaning to.

You read a lot of books but for like 10 minutes at a time bc you have the attention span of a walnut.

You are the type of person to nuke your AO3 tags with things that aren’t even relevant purely bc you found them funny.

Your Tumblr drafts are a nightmare, you have like 100+ in the works yet keep starting new projects why do you do this.

Happy sunshine but you have a LOT of mood swings like that shit comes out of nowhere.

Cry pretty often but no one ever sees and it’s usually because of said mood swings.

You always smile and pick yourself up again though which I commend you for.

TYPES IN CAPITALS IN SITUATIONS THAT DO NOT REQUIRE SAID PUNCTUATION SO YOU SEEM LIKE YOU’RE YELLING ALL THE TIME.

#hq #haikyuu #nekoma #yaku morisuke #lev haiba #yamamoto taketora #kuroo testuro #kenma kozume #inuoka sou

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slayernina · 3 years

Note

Hello! I found your blog thanks to the spoilers ^_^ Do you think there is a chance we will see Billy somehow on s4? Or 5? After all, the rest of "dead" characters "came back", like Will, Brenner or Hopper (I'm not counting Barb or Bob or Alexei because they were smaller roles)

Thanks for the question, Anon! I hope you enjoyed the leaks as much as I do XD

Well, get ready for a very long answer…

On a personal level, yes, I want Billy back. He is one of my favourite piece of shit characters on the show, and also one of my favourite piece of shit character in TV/movie fandom overall. It doesn’t matter if you liked him or hated him, he was so.fucking.entertaining.to.watch. And Dacre Montgomery nailed the role.

NOW, LET’S ANALYZE ALL THE POSSIBILITIES:

On an external level:

PROS: apparently the actor enjoyed his time on Stranger Things, enjoyed his time with the cast/crew, they enjoyed their time with him, and no shitty behavior has emerged from set.

CONS: the actor is Aussie and we are talking about bringing someone from the other side of the world (bureaucracy and everything) during a global pandemic.

On a narrative level:

Yes, Max deserves something to close his death and some kind of resolution. If he’s alive, Billy needs a proper redemption arc. Max needs to set her boundaries and resolve their relationship. Both needs to fix their relationship, if they can. Billy should repair the damage he's done to everybody.

If he’s truly dead, Max deserves something more than mourn him, he shouldn't be left as a martyr, and it would cheap his death and the writing overall if there is a flashback that goes along the lines of “turns out he’s not an awful brother and he and Max made amends somehow off-screen!”.

On a symbolic level:

There is no way the writers don’t address Billy’s existence. Max is going to the high school he would be attending his senior year (damn, that would have been an interesting sight having the two siblings at the cafeteria at the same time), she still lives with his father as far as we know, Lucas is in the basketball team now, Jason mentioned him during a public pep talk and the Hellfire Club is heavily related to heavy metal/rock music and drugs. Hell, if we take Jason and Eddie into account, totally looks like the writers splited Billy’s “concept” into two minor characters.

IT IS POSSIBLE FOR THE CHARACTER TO APPEAR AGAIN?

If he’s truly dead: Yes. Even if we take into account the wig, the actor shaved his head in the middle of filming for no discernable reason (one of the main points of being an actor is that you are not allowed to change your aspect at all during filming) and there is a pic from the makeup team creating an unused cast of his head and shoulders. So maybe there is a secret scene of an autopsy filmed during season 3, or an autopsy photo in some Dr Owens' file that shows Billy is dead.

If the actor is “there”, Billy could appear as a nightmare to Max or Eleven caused by PTSD, or as some sort of “spiritual guide” to interact with Eleven, or the Mind Flayer (or Kali, she has that power too) uses his image to scare Eleven.

If he’s truly alive: Yes again. We don’t know the exact amount of powers the Mind Flayer gave to Billy, but despite being almost a decadent corpse, he was burned, later threw through a wall, later car crashed and later “burned” again… and he was still alive and moving. He died after the gate was closed. The writers can get away with “oh, the gate was reopened, and that caused the powers came back to Eleven -and Billy-, and now he is a Venom/Wolverine type” (mandatory comic reference here). Also, a lot of horror/gore movies from the 80s are about resurrection and/or zombies.

IF THE CHARACTER COMES BACK WELL:

Redemption arc and Max scenes. A lot of drama. He would join the Party, which is good for 2 reasons:

On a D&D level, he would be their barbarian fighter/berserker. The Party and allies fighting techniques are along the lines of intellect, deductive skills, street smarts, superpowers, throw things to monsters, and physical attacks. The latter part was usually covered by Hopper (not now there) and Steve. If Steve isn’t there for whatever reason, it’s good to have some dumb muscle. Also he can drive, which is good if any of the adults, teens or Max is not around.

On a mental/emotional level, he would be their criminal. He has already a crime record, he is way dark/grey morality than the rest of the characters, he is not shy going places where the other characters are afraid (such as tortures, manipulation, car fu, and “distract people with sexy”). That could be used for good, or to don’t turn your heroes into assholes. Also given his context and past scenes, he can be a healer type due to his experience with fights and abuse, and perform CPR was mandatory on his job.

On a funny level, just imagine the Cool Bad Boy Dumb Jock surrounded by the Supreme Nerds. Trying to get laid with Robin. Awkard moments with “I almost banged your mom” Wheelers. Or Erica roasting his ass off. Basically, he would be the Spike from Buffy. Damn, maybe he is a secret nerd, imagine a scream contest with Dustin about some obscure D&D concept while the others watch with a WTF face.

IF THE CHARACTER COMES BACK WRONG:

He can be demented and PTSD, and be the character at Pennhurst Nancy and Robin were investigating. Or the girls were there for Victor Creel, and they crashed accidentally with crazy Billy, who is a John Doe founded wandering around and bought there meanwhile the Pennhurst workers are trying to discover who is he.

He can be also trapped in the Hawkins lab (I doubt the scientists wouldn’t kept his body). Redemtion arc and Max scenes from above and a lot of drama too.

IF THE CHARACTER COMES BACK (WELL OR WRONG) AND HAS SUPERPOWERS:

Please. The black comedy would be endless. This asshole would be Deadpool and we know it. He is the kind of character who would be using his powers for the LOLZ to piss off people. He would leave behind his mutilated hand giving the finger to the army. He would draw with blood a dick over Brenner’s desk. He would rampage the lab, or jump from a skyscraper, or set himself on fire because he is soooo bored. He would mess Max showing her gun holes or performing autosurgery in the kitchen with a fork. He would let Lucas and Steve kick his balls with a bat as a “retaliation”

Basically, Billy has all the potential to become a dark twisted himbo ala Damon Salvatore and I'm here for it

#billy hargrove #asks #slayernina writes stuff

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let-me-write-shit · 4 years

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Somebody To You: 1

A/N: It’s finally here! The first chapter of my second Harry Styles fic! We’re starting off with a LOOOONG, heavy one. I want to thank you all for patiently waiting. Most of the characters in this story is based off of some of YOU! Zoey, Nancy, Aurora, Andy, and Katie - Thanks for reading and being apart of this story. I’m sorry if I didn’t get your personalities right, but I hope you enjoy it anyway. I’ll be posting every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday! Enjoy.

<3 Shannon

To Read My Previous Story, Click Here

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CHAPTER ONE

Never in a million years did Zoey think she’d move across the country on her own. But here she was, driving down the interstate in her dingy 2010 Toyota Camry, car filled to the brim with her belongings. LA had always been a far fetched idea. Actually, if we were being honest, it was never her idea to begin with. It was Jessica’s. Moving to LA alone was never a part of the plan. Jess should have been here. They should have been blasting music through the stereo, complaining about the shitty A/C in the car, road raging together, and dreaming about all of the things they would do when they arrived.

Instead, Zoey drove in silence, briefly passing through all of the tourist spots and monuments they had always talked about visiting along the way, pulling into walmart parking lots for bathroom breaks or cat naps, alone. The only noise disrupting the silence was the hum of the engine and the occasional whisper under her breath as she spoke, in vain, to her best friend.

Jess was a force. Anyone who had the pleasure of knowing her would say the same thing. She lit up a room. She was the outgoing one. She’d talk to anyone and everyone that passed her, striking up random conversations that only she could come up with. And her laugh was infectious. Zoey always made Jess laugh and it got them in a lot of trouble over the course of their fifteen year friendship.

Jess always had her platinum blonde hair straight, never putting it up - something Zoey always did out of habit, rarely letting her hair down because she didn’t like how it looked. Jess always had a knack for the dramatics, which is why she wanted to move to LA since she was little. She had dreamed of becoming an actress. Zoey saw her in every high school and college play. And she was good. Really good. Honestly, she had potential to make it. But, to Zoey, all of the long talks of moving to LA was just that: talk. She could never let go of the comfort of being close to family in her small, Pennsylvania town with her best friend and boyfriend. Besides, how could they even afford it?

But all of that changed on June 9th of last year. It was Jess’ 26th birthday and the two girls went out to celebrate with a few friends at the bar they worked at together. Zoey and Jess were the last to leave and had drunk a little more than they intended, so they had Zoey’s boyfriend, Michael, pick them up. Not even 3 minutes into the car journey it happened. A drunk driver ran a red light and had rammed into the rear passenger side door at 50 mph. The car flipped and Zoey hit her head against the window, sending her unconscious.

She woke up in the hospital the next afternoon with a broken wrist, a few fractured ribs, and a concussion, surrounded by her parents who were crying, her little sister, Katie, who sat timidly in the corner of the room, and Michael who only had a few scrapes and cuts, but was ultimately fine, squeezing her leg that was tucked under the heavy white blanket. When her eyes fluttered open, her mom gasped and both of her parents hovered over her, her dad stroking her cheek. The first thing Zoey managed to croak out was, ‘Where’s Jess?’. Her mom lost it, uncontrollably sobbing. It was her dad that had to break the news to her. Jess didn’t make it.

It’s weird. You’d think hearing the news of your best friend’s death would send you into a fit of rage or hysterics, but that didn’t happen for Zoey. She felt numb. It could have been the shock, but it didn’t feel real. Jess couldn’t have been gone. She was here only hours ago, laughing her infections laugh and smiling her gorgeous smile. And even so, when Jess’ parents came to visit her at the hospital to discuss the funeral, it still hadn’t set in. She wanted to laugh at them to stop being so dramatic. That everything was fine. That Jess was still here, she was just sleeping. She couldn’t just be gone. Not Jess. She was too full of life to just be gone. But the bags under their eyes told a different story. They had lost their only child. How do you recover from that?

Zoey was stuck in the hospital for a little over a week, causing her to miss her best friend's funeral, which didn’t help in her denial. The day she was released, her boyfriend picked her up from the hospital and drove her to Mr. and Mrs. Lewis’ house. The walk up to the front door felt different. Over the past fifteen years, Zoey never knocked on the front food or rang the doorbell, she just walked in. She wasn’t sure if that would be appropriate now. Unsure, she knocked, hesitated, and cracked the door open where she was met by the exhausted couple who gave her a warm hug and led the two towards the back, past the pool where she had so many fond memories of laughter with Jess, the glistening water seeming so inviting on this warm afternoon, towards the pool house where Jess stayed.

Some had questioned why Jess still lived with her parents if she was 25 and worked a well paying job. But, to put it lightly, Jess’ family was very well-off. Her dad had built and owned a business from the ground up and it became a major success practically overnight. She had her own space, rent free. Besides, the pool house was big enough to fit three of Zoey and Michael’s apartment into it. Why would she not stay there?

But when they walked in, it hit her. Everything was exactly as they had left it, nothing had been moved. Except this time, the room did not feel full of life like it always had. It felt cold and empty. And Zoey broke down.

She felt stupid for crying in front of Jess’ parents. How could her pain feel compared to theirs? But they didn’t judge. Instead, they held her in an understanding and loving embrace. After all, Zoey had been a part of their family for fifteen years. With every sob, the pain from her still-healing ribs hurt more and more. Michael stood off to the side and let the three have their moment, and when the tears settled, they began going through some of Jess’ things, letting Zoey take whatever she wanted, which included a hoodie, a dress, a pair of converse shoes, the other half of their friendship bracelet that they had made in 10th grade, and finally a note that she had written in middle school to Zoey, stuffed with the hundreds of other notes in a shoebox under her bed.

The year that followed was tough. Zoey found herself lost for a while. She quit her job at the bar her and Jess used to work at, because working without Jess was too much for her to handle. She didn’t go out anymore, and hardly talked to anyone except for her younger sister, Katie. Growing up she didn’t really get along with Katie. It’s not like she didn’t like her, but Katie was eight years younger than her, plus Zoey was so focused on friends and boys that she didn’t make any time or effort for her younger sister. But after Jess died, Zoey got to know her sister a lot better. She learned that Katie, aside from appearance, was almost exactly like herself. Katie took after their Irish dad in the way of looks with long, dark brown hair and adorable freckles, compared to Zoey’s pale skin and dirty blonde hair. You wouldn’t think they were related by looking at them. But, in personality, they were almost identical. Both were afraid to take risks, shy at first keeping a very small group of friends, but very caring. The complete opposite of Jess who was care-free and miss positivity. Katie was essential in her grieving process.

Anytime someone brought Jess up in conversation, they always skirted around certain topics or words. They always used her name in past tense or said things like, ‘no longer with us’ or ‘passed away’. It was infuriating. One night, Zoey’s parents had invited her, Michael, and Mr. and Mrs. Lewis over for dinner nearly three months in. Her mom had brought Jess up for the fourth time in two hours and said something along the lines of ‘I’m still finding it hard to process Jess not being here anymore.’ And Zoey lost it.

“She’s dead, mom! She died! Okay?” Zoey shouted, pushing away from the table, causing her glass of wine to spill, and darting up the steps to Katie’s room that they used to share when Zoey lived there.

She collapsed on the bed, breathing heavily with tears streaming down her face, angry, when there was a faint knock on the door. Her fists clenched in annoyance, half expecting it to be her boyfriend as Michael had been extra clingy since Jess died, almost as if he was scared of what Zoey would do if she was left alone. Which was stupid. What good would it do anyone if she wasn’t here either? But to her shock and horror, it was Jess’ mom who walked into the room.

Zoey shot up straight and wiped the tears from her face, instantly regretting the outburst she just had. “Mrs. Lewis, I’m so sorry, I-”

“Don’t,” Jess’ mom cut her off, motioning for her to sit down beside her at the edge of the bed. Her expression was warm and not at all angry, “I can’t even begin to tell you the amount of times I wanted to say that over the past three months to anyone who mentions her. I know it’s hard, and I understand.”

Zoey nodded, twisting Jess’ bracelet that was now tightly wrapped around her wrist, a strand of her dirty blonde hair had fallen out of her hair tie and she pushed it behind her ear as Jess’ mom continued, “I only came up here because I thought it’s be a good opportunity to talk to you in private before we go.”

“What about?”

“Well, Mr. Lewis and I were going through some more of Jess’ things last week and we came across a bunch of old ‘Dream Journals’ the two of you wrote in over the years.”

Zoey felt the heat of embarrassment rise to her cheeks, remembering some of the things they wrote in there. The ‘Dream Journals’ were more of a fantasy bucket list than anything, but there were definitely a few inappropriate things involving Jared Padalecki and Jeremy Sumpter in there that she wasn’t too keen on the idea of Jess’ parents reading.

She continued, “Mr. Lewis and I noticed nearly every page was filled with things you two wanted to do in LA.”

It sounded more like a question than a statement. Zoey cleared her throat, “Yeah. We always talked about moving there one day.”

Mrs. Lewis nodded, “I know how much she wanted to go. And I know it probably always seemed out of reach. But, Zoey, I don’t want this to stop you from going. Jess worked hard to save up so you both could go. And I don’t want that to be for nothing. Mr. Lewis and I talked about it and we decided. Jess had managed to save up $18,000, and we wanted you to have it. And we know how expensive LA can be, so we wanted to add an extra $7,000 on top of it. Hopefully that’ll be enough for rent for at least a year.”

Zoey’s mouth fell open, trying to process everything Mrs. Lewis just said. So many questions ran through her mind. How did she manage to save so much on the same salary that she had? Stupid question, she had no bills. She twisted a little too hard on the bracelet, causing it to pinch her wrist and snap her back to reality, “$25,000? To move to LA?”

“It was her dream and she never got to fulfill it. We want you to live your life and hopefully bring a little bit of our baby girl to LA with you in spirit. All that we ask in return is that you try to find peace out there.”

That was the moment of revelation for Zoey. The turning point. The moment that made her get off her ass and stop the pity party. She didn’t want to take Mr. and Mrs. Lewis’ gift for granted. So, Zoey worked her ass off. She got three jobs as a warehouse worker, waitress, and got her old bartending job back to save up even more money. She had eventually even found a room that two girls were renting out in a beautiful skyrise condo on the nicer end of LA, and had got a bartending job lined up and waiting for her when she moved. Zoey vowed to herself to start adapting some of Jess’ personality into her own. She wanted to be more outgoing and try to say ‘yes’ more often, to learn to let her hair down (figuratively speaking), and she wanted to try and be more adventurous. It wouldn’t be an overnight success, but she would try. Baby steps.

Finally, almost a year later, it was time to move. Zoey had finished saying goodbye to her and Jess’ parents. Even Michael had come to see her off. The two of them had broken off their nearly four year relationship a couple months ago, but still remained close. Zoey could tell that he was heart broken, and so was she, but she also knew that things had changed between them after Jess died. They weren’t the same people anymore and it seemed like they were holding on to each other to force the fraction of normalcy they had left. They didn’t deserve that. They deserved to be happy, not just content, but genuinely happy.

They gave each other a tight hug and Michael sweetly kissed her cheek, whispering her a farewell. Saying goodbye to him stung a bit more than she had anticipated. Not because of some kind of lost love, but because he was the only other person in her life who she could talk to about Jess and who would actually understand. He knew Jess in almost the same sort of capacity that Zoey knew her. Poor Michael was forced to be the third wheel so often that he saw sides of her and Jess that no one else could possibly know about. And that sense of understanding comforted her. Now that she was letting that go, it was a little harder for her to leave.

Katie stood off to the side, shifting her weight from one foot to the other, twiddling her fingers together and avoiding her older sister’s gaze. The freckle faced teenager bit the inside of her cheeks, trying to focus on anything other than Zoey leaving. As horrible as this past year has been, she knew that the bond they built would not have happened otherwise. Katie had become just as reliant on Zoey as Zoey had been on her, and for her sister to be leaving was heartbreaking. She held back her emotions, but all Katie wanted to do was cry.

A frown formed on Zoey’s face. Her sister looked like a shelter puppy who’s owner had given up on them and knots formed in her stomach. Should Zoey really be leaving now, just as things started to come together for her? But as Katie’s demeanor cracked and she embraced her sister with a loving and understanding hug, she knew that this was the right move. Zoey still had some healing to do and Katie would always be there. Jess would have wanted this for her.

The silent journey to LA was full of self reflection and internal pep talks. Not only did Zoey want to adapt a little bit of Jess’ personality, but she knew that this move gave her the opportunity to start over and live the life she always wanted. But what was that exactly?

As she neared her destination her heart began thumping faster, nervous for this new chapter. She looked at her surroundings of the bustling city, gorgeous people on every block, recognizing some buildings from her sleuthing around Street View on Google Maps after speaking with Nancy about moving in.

She’s been talking to Nancy via text and facetime over the course of a month since they met online and made plans for her to move in. Nancy seemed like one of the coolest people she had ever talked to. Tan, with the curliest, raven toned hair, she had nine ear piercings and the most interesting eyes-one brown and the other a deep green. She styled herself more on the rocker chic side, but somehow made it look so feminine and fitting. She could be a bit intense at times, but somehow made you feel comfortable and constantly laughing.

Zoey didn’t know much about her other roommate, Aurora, or Rory, as most people called her. She only knew that Nancy had met Rory when she first moved to LA when they were 18 and they were best friends. The two of them just recently moved to their new condo and since Rory was gone most of the week for work and they had a spare bedroom, Nancy felt more comfortable and safe if there were another roommate there so she didn’t have to live on her own.

Nancy and Aurora had an interesting dynamic because they were practically polar opposites. Rory was born and raised in both Paris and a small town in England. She was new on the modeling scene but apparently making her way up the ladder rather quickly. And from the pictures that Nancy showed her, it was no wonder why. She was beautiful, with long brown hair, piercing blue eyes, and the sweetest, freckled baby face that reminded her of her little sister.

The GPS announced that she had reached her destination as she pulled up to the parking garage of the skyrise condominium. Zoey plugged the code that Nancy had given her into the keypad to enter the parking structure and drove in, finding a spot two rows in. She took her phone off of the car charger and checked the time. 3:14 PM, Thursday, April 23rd. It took her almost 4 full days to get here and it almost felt surreal that she had finally arrived. She stepped out of the car, legs buckling a bit from being sat in one position for so long, before stretching and calling Nancy’s phone.

“Are you fuckin’ here?” Nancy’s loud voice boomed excitedly.

Zoey laughed, stifling a yawn, “Yeah. In the parking garage.”

“Okay, I’ll meet you down in the lobby. Same code as the parking structure to get in.”

The call ended and Zoey felt her nerves settling as she glanced down at her wrist adorning Jess’ friendship bracelet. Everything will be fine. She grabbed as many things as she could manage to hold, realizing she’d have to take several trips to completely unload her car, before bounding towards the door. In order to put the code in she had to set some of her bags down, and as soon as it was unlocked, she yanked the door open, scooped up the bags, and headed down a hallway towards the huge, modern lobby. The walls were light gray with twelve foot ceilings lined with abstract black and white artwork and industrial light fixtures, a huge water feature right in the center. It seemed so extravagant that she almost felt silly for wearing the same gray sweatpants, matching small t-shirt layered with a long, white cardigan and white flip flops that she had worn since she left Pennsylvania, her hair now in an insanely messy bun, and not in a cute way, desperate for a shower. She could hear her flip flops echoing throughout the room along with the chime of the elevator door reaching her level.

Nancy stepped out, curly hair framing her face, barely any makeup on but maybe some mascara, and so naturally pretty. She wore an oversized aerosmith shirt that had been splattered in bleach and barely covered her black shorts. Nancy’s eyes widened at the sight of Zoey and she ran over, smiling.

“Hey!” Zoey giggled, hiking up a bag that was slipping down her shoulder.

Nancy gave her a careful one-armed hug so as not to knock down the tower of belongings in Zoey’s arm before grabbing two bags to lighten the load a bit as she was led towards the elevator. Nancy talked her ear off about her day so far and what she had planned for dinner tonight when they reached the twenty second floor and got out. There was a small lounge area in the center of a large landing with a single door on the other three walls, each leading to three separate units. Nancy led her to the unit on the far left - 2201.

“Okay, so the code is pretty easy. It’s all four corners of the keypad. So 1,3,7, and 9,” Nancy punched in. A green light appeared and Nancy pushed the door open, stepping inside. “Zoey’s here!” she called out as Zoey readjusted the bag that was slipping down her shoulder again.

She looked around as she made her way past a small bathroom and suppressed a gasp when she reached the beautiful, modern kitchen that opened up into the living room, the wall lined with floor to ceiling windows that overlooked the city. Seeing the apartment in person was a completely different experience than virtually. The pictures didn’t do it justice. How could she afford to stay here? Jess would have lost her mind if she saw this. Zoey was so distracted by the view that she almost didn’t notice the two figures on the couch until they both stood up and started making their way over.

“Zoey! It’s so nice to meet you,” a sweet voice called. Aurora’s accent was an odd mix of French and British, only adding to her appeal.

“Hello!” A soft, deep voice greeted her.

Zoey smiled kindly, feeling overwhelmed by the amount of beauty in the two. Like the apartment, Rory’s pictures did not do her justice. She was more beautiful in person, almost making her feel inferior. And as for the guy beside her, he was scruffy with tousled brown hair and dark green eyes. His perfect white teeth could be seen through his smile and his dimpled cheeks made him even more discernible.

“I’m Harry,” he spoke.

Zoey blinked, so exhausted from the long car journey that she was unable to decide what emotion to feel and unsure of how to respond. Her arms trembled from the weight of her luggage. The trembling caused a shoe to fall out of one of the bags, making a thump on the floor. Harry let out a startled gasp and quickly bent down to grab it, “Here, let me help,” he offered, grabbing the stack of bags out of Zoey’s hand, leaving her with just two on her shoulders. “Where would you like these?”

Before she could answer, Nancy spoke up, “Her room. Come on,” and led the way down another hall, Harry en suite.

Aurora smiled brightly at Zoey, “You must be exhausted,” she said, motioning for Zoey to follow the other two, “I hope the ride in was okay.”

Zoey tightened her bun and wiped beads of sweat from her forehead, glad that Aurora was being nice to her. “Yeah, lots of traffic as soon as I hit the city, though.”

Aurora laughed as they reached the doorframe, “You’ll get used to it.”

As the bedroom came into view Zoey saw Harry gently placing her things at the foot of the full sized bed. Thankfully the room was already furnished with the larger items. He huffed as he stood back up, dusting his hands together before pushing back the strand of hair that had fallen in front of his face. It was only a split second of realization. What the hell was happening? Was this just another dream? How could she be in LA, in a beautiful skyrise condo, with a gorgeous model and the coolest girl she had ever met as roommates, and Harry-fucking-Styles was standing in her bedroom? Surely she was still in her small one bedroom apartment back in Pennsylvania.

“Is this all you brought?” Harry asked, his accent snapping her back to present.

“Oh, uh, no. I have more in my car.”

“Let me help bring your things up,” his eyebrows raised as if he was waiting for an answer, but his tone was more insistent.

Zoey hesitated, still in shock from the whole situation. Thankfully Nancy spoke up again before the silence got awkward, “Yeah, let’s go.”

She led the way out of the room followed closely by Harry who smiled nicely at her before his glance shot to Aurora. Zoey was sure he had meant to be more discreet, but she could have sworn he had winked at Rory. And the coy smile on her face seemed to confirm the hunch. Zoey kicked herself for being so awkward, mentally reminding herself to channel Jess’ sociability.

The four of them made conversation while they took a few more trips from the car to the apartment until all of her luggage riddled her room and her arms felt like jello. They all sat lined up on the large, pewter sectional with Zoey on an end cushion, Nancy sat cross-legged in the corner, and Aurora and Harry on the other side, close but with safe distance between them. She found out that Harry was in the middle of a U.S. tour and had a few days break, so he flew here to hang out and would be leaving again first thing in the morning. She also found it interesting to learn how they met each other a few months ago at a charity dinner event that Aurora had attended with Nancy as he plus one. They had all been sitting at the same table together and this was only their third time seeing him in person due to his tour.

“And now I have another friend,” Harry grinned, motioning towards Zoey.

“Yeah, until you scare her away with your horrible dad jokes and eating habits,” Nancy snorted.

Everyone laughed as Harry lightly nudged Nancy’s leg with his foot, “Just because you can’t beat the master at jokes doesn’t mean they’re horrible,” he shook his head in mock disappointment before turning his attention back to her, “So what made you move out here, Zoey? Work?”

Zoey gulped, not wanting to bring up Jess. She knew if she had, she would break down and cry and they didn’t know anything about Jess yet. I mean, how would everyone feel if she blurted out, ‘my dead best friend’s parents insisted I make their daughter’s dream come true and paid for me to move here’?

She quickly composed herself, “Change of scenery. Thought I’d try out a new time zone,” she joked, causing them to chuckle. “I’m trying to be a bit more independent and adventurous,” she admitted.

Harry noticed her hesitation and looked at Rory and Nancy to see if they noticed it, too, but they seemed to be oblivious to it. He shrugged it off. He respected her desire to be more independent; something he understood all too well. The singer listened, impressed as she revealed how many jobs she had been working in order to save just to come here and how proud she was of herself for taking the leap and coming here. Zoey didn’t seem braggy about it, in fact she seemed humbled, crediting her family and even her ex-boyfriend for the support. It wasn’t often you met someone down to earth in LA. It could be because she was so new to it. But Harry thought she would make a great fit with Aurora and Nancy. They had been here for seven years and the Hollywood Bug hasn’t bit them yet. He had his fair share of friends on the west coast, but it was nice to be close with ones who made him feel more grounded like these two.

The four ordered postmates and continued talking and laughing over Nancy’s stories as the sun began to set, casting a beautiful orange and pink hue over the city. As soon as she was done with her chinese food Zoey quickly excused herself to call her family. Once out of sight the three friends turned to each other.

“I like her,” Aurora decided.

Nancy kicked her feet up on the couch where Zoey had been sitting, “Yeah, thank god she’s not like any of the other crazies that messaged us to live here.”

Harry smiled, looking over at Aurora who laughed and he felt a little flutter in his stomach. She was obviously beautiful and fit every characteristic of his type. He could relate to her from living in a small English town but also found her intriguing that she had also been raised in Paris and spoke fluent French - a language he was always attracted by. Aurora and Harry were clearly attracted to each other, but the timing wasn’t exactly right. They met right as Aurora’s modeling career started to take off and just before Harry left for tour. They hadn’t even been on a first date yet, or even kissed for that matter. Just shameless flirting via text.

In an effort to make an excuse to come back again, Harry spoke up, “Well, next weekend I have off. I don’t know what Zoey’s new work schedule will be, but if she’s up for it, how about we take her to Secrets as a little welcoming party? My treat.”

Secrets was a popular bar in the area that had private rooms you could rent for karaoke. Most of the club-goers were known to be gay, though a lot of straight people went with friends if they wanted a fun clubbing experience without any unwanted nuisances. It was always a good time whenever they went.

“That’d be lovely,” Aurora grinned.

“Yeah, sounds fun! I’ll talk to her about it and find out her work schedule,” Nancy agreed.

Harry nodded, excited about another opportunity to hang out with Rory. And honestly, he was excited to get to know Zoey, too. She seemed easy to talk to. And his instincts in people were pretty good.

What do you think?! Let me know

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#harry styles #harry styles smut #harry styles fan fic #harry styles fan fiction #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles fluff #harry styles imagine #one direction #harry styles fanfic #harry styles one shot #one directin fanfic #one direction fan fic #one direction fanfiction #one direction fan fiction #one direction smut #one direction fluff #one direction imagine #harry

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signutai · 3 years

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Anyway, now that I have returned, it’s time for me to be horrible and obnoxious and share some Fallout 3 thoughts using far too many words! - One tiny thing I wish the game had done was make the segment on Enclave Radio that features Colonel Autumn be available before you actually meet him in-game. I just think it would have been much cooler and more impactful to establish him as a character, introduced by the reassuring and now-familiar voice of President Eden, prior to the point where he shows up in-person and immediately lets us know he’s actually a giant bag of dicks and ah, no, the Enclave hasn’t changed all that much since Fallout 2. It’d be like, “Oh, it’s Colonel Autumn from The Radio! :D” and then he shoots one of your new co-workers in the face and attempts to hijack your dad’s life’s work. - Colonel Autumn was 19-20 during the events of Fallout 2 and I’m having a laugh imagining exactly what sort of weird, unpleasant teenager/young adult he was back when he lived on the oil rig. I can just imagine someone from the Devil’s Brigade being like, “Oh yeah. I remember him. Somethin’ wrong with that kid for sure.” - Apparently there is a potential way to loot his “body” through the door during the Waters of Life quest? Just fucking imagine, lmao, you go to seize control of an important scientific project and your cronies have to pull your naked body out of a locked, heavily-irradiated room. Wish I’d gotten to try it. - It’s highly amusing and annoying just how my top-of-the-line power armor means absolutely NOTHING in Point Lookout. Maybe I was just too low-level, but god DAMN. Who would win: the US government’s marvel in combat protection technology vs. jus some guys with shotguns? - Speaking of power armor, my Lone Wanderer is a high-Speech, high-Charisma character and I’ve always characterized her as being just very kind and persuasive until I realized that while I was making those speech checks I looked like this:

And suddenly I became aware that I probably came off as much more intimidating than nice. (I have since switched over to Tesla armor since it is very sexy and I get to kill Enclave soldiers to repair it. Everyone wins. Above point still stands.) - Shooting down helicopters with very big guns is still as therapeutic as I remember it being like seven years ago. Shut up and go boom you bastards. - Listening to Enclave radio in the current American political climate is EXTREMELY unsettling. - I’d forgotten just how little the Lone Wanderer’s allies actually care about their wellbeing or them as a person in this game. Like, no one has any problem using a highly sheltered teenager as a pawn whatsoever. Making a protag that young and then having the plot be Like That was a...weird move. Not to be “huhbuh NV better” but the world in general just feels so much colder than it is in New Vegas. - I miss companions feeling like fully fleshed-out characters and like they were...important, I dunno how to put it. I killed Clover while clearing out Paradise Falls and didn’t even realize she was a potential companion until much later. They seem like they’re just kind of...there. - Eden is the second-most terrible computer to ever exist (right after my shitty desktop), but it’s still hilarious that, like, the core of his character is that he’s a supercomputer that stans US Presidents and made his own Presidentsona. And he thinks that baseball is a relatable subject to people 200 years removed from the sport as a concept, which is also funny.

#Fallout 3 #long post

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sneakyneighboururchin · 3 years

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Genuinely asking here bc maybe I've missed/forgotten some stuff but... when homo- and transphobic stuff is said in DA, it's addressed in game as being bad, isn't it? Like Dorian's first personal quest is about his dad acknowleding his homophobia and apologizing to Dorian. And with Krem, Krem and Bull both correct the Inquisitor pretty sternly if you misgender him, and Bull explains how gender identity is respected under the Qun. Not trying to fight you on this, nor do I think DA is by any means perfect, I just don't recall seeing homophobia or transphobia that isn't quickly shut down by the player or other characters. Don't feel pressured to answer tho, I know it's not your job to pull receipts for every shitty thing in a video game lol

Well first off thanks for being so polite and nice in this message, I appreciate it. I'm gonna try and cover the stuff that I've seen myself and have had pointed out to me by other people but keep in mind that I'm not trans, most of what I'll say here on the transphobia issue is me parroting other trans fans who've said this sort of thing before. I am gay though, so I guess we're clear on that front. It's also been a while since i played any of the games so if i get stuff wrong, I'm sorry. This is gonna be long so sorry for that in advance.

So homophobia and transphobia in our world. Why is it a thing? A combination of humanity hating and fearing what it doesn't understand (which Dragon Age also has) and religion, specifically in my experience Christianity (which Dragon Age does not have). Yes the Chantry and Andrastianism is heavily based off of Christianity and Catholicism but it doesn't have any of the bullshit about sexuality and gender that Christianity does. Neither in it's holy texts or it's teachings. The in universe writing about sexuality, a codex by Brother Genitivi, is also kinda homophobic and doesn't explain why this is a thing in Thedas at all. Queer relations and relationships are aparently viewed by most of Southern Thedas as 'peculiar' but no explanation is given as to why. Now I'm gonna go into specific instances.

First off, let's look at some of the stuff you've mentioned. Dorian and his dad. Yeah that whole situation hit me pretty close to home as a queer person who's pretty much accepted at this point that my dad will never accept who I am and my mother died still not having accepted me. What Halward did is definitely portrayed as a bad thing, that is correct. The narrative kind of subtly pushing the reconciliation being the good option is a bit iffy. What Halward tried to do to Dorian is straight up abuse and I really don't like plotlines that push making nice with the abuser and forgiving them as a good resolution. This is kind of more personal feelings than straight from the script fact but I wanted to say it anyway.

Second issue: Krem's treatment. So many trans people have talked about this before me, if you want some more in depth analysis of this you should go check out some of their stuff, it won't be hard to find. The basics though: Krem is voiced by a cis woman. This immediately sets a shitty precedent on the side of the devs lending proof to the theory that they don't care about uplifting trans people, just making money off them. Krem should have been voiced by a trans actor. In the actual conversation with Iron Bull you get the opportunity to be extremely transphobic. And if you do this you get told off, and that's kind of it. The fact that your character even has the option to do that is a) gross from an out of character writing perspective, and b) makes no sense in character. Why would your character have these views? There is no in lore reason for any of the potential groups your character comes from to be transphobic. Also, and this is just my opinion, but if you're transphobic to Krem (even though it makes no sense in universe) the Iron Bull's reaction shouldn't be a bit of disapproval, he should send you through the fucking wall. Seems more in character. Also, gender roles under the Qun also have a lot of potential to be transphobic, they are by no means an improvement on ours imo. Under the Qun your gender is essentially decided by your role. So if you're a fighter you're male. If you care for children you're female. Not only is that pretty hella sexist and reliant on our dumb ideas of gender roles (that again aren't supposed to be a thing in Thedas) it also has potential to be hell for trans people. Yes it would work for someone like Krem, but for someone who was AMAB and good at fighting but they were a woman? Being shoved into male gender roles and treated as a man would not be good. If the writer's intent was to create a society with an entirely different concept of and approach to gender they've done it wrong because of how much of it is reliant on the audience's perception of gender which (going by general gaming demographics) is pretty cis and het normative.

Now I'm gonna talk about the transphobia that doesn't get challenged. Sera makes a couple transphobic comments throughout the game I believe, the one I can remember in detail is in the Winter Palace when she says someone presenting a certain way isn't actually that. And without any further context the only way the audience can really interpret that is that the writers decided to take a cheap shot at someone cross dressing in a bad attempt at comedy.

Sera's writing in general is super homophobic because she was written by a homophobe. I'm not gonna go into all of that in this cos this is already too long and I could write essays about it. Other people already have! But basically, she's the only out and out lesbian romance we have in the series, and her writing in that respect is really not good.

So how about the other games? Well. In origins you can hire sex workers at a brothel. The 'special' on offer is a very masc presenting dwarf in a poorly fitting dress. This was a very transphobic attempt at humour. Zevran, much as I love him dearly, is a walking bisexual stereotype, made worse by feeding into the 'sexy Latine' stereotype on top of that, which isn't an in universe problem so much as it is proof that the writers are guilty of prejudices whether they know it or not. I suspect there's more instances in origins but I can't remember right now.

In Dragon Age 2 Seneschal Bran has a relationship of some kind with a sex worker named Serendipity, a feminine presenting elf with a very deep voice. This is played as something that Bran should be ashamed of. At least I think so, it could be that he's ashamed of having a relationship with a sex worker. Not that far fetched considering Aveline's weaponisation of the word 'whore' against Isabela. But this is also something that doesn't make sense honestly. Why is sex work taboo in thedas? Christianity isn't around to make it so and Andrastianism doesn't have purity culture going except for their clergy ( which also is never explained why and makes no sense.) Additionally, Uncle Gamlen is super homophobic. Why? There is no reason culturally or religiously for him to be that way? Yes he's an asshole but why is he an asshole in that manner? And you don't even get to challenge him on it! It's passive dialogue that you trigger when walking into his house and you don't immediately get the option to fucking fight him about it? Why put it in then?!

A good amount of this is off topic from the actual question so sorry about that but TLDR there's a lot of in universe homophobia and transphobia, most of it is not handled well in or out of universe. I do believe that they're trying to do better in this respect, inquisition was a step up from previous games it just wasn't enough of one.

If you want more stuff like this go check out @dalishious cos they have a ton of very good meta on subjects related to this.

#dragon age critical #homophobia #transphobia

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han100894 · 4 years

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Spoilers for The Girl Genius Novel 4 –Mostly about Zeetha and Higgs

Okay I’m just going to start and say that so far I, in my obsession, mostly skimmed the book to find the parts with Higgs and Zeetha. So full disclosure there, I haven’t actually finished it yet. I got impatient with waiting for my physical copy and bought the ebook. I’ll read it properly with my physical copy arrives.

So I just have to say I’m really annoyed that the doubled down on the “Zeetha was being irresponsible and overconfident” bit—they even straight up admit that what happened was because of the plant and she was drugged, but still act like it was all her irresponsibility. That’s not how this works. When someone is drugged out of her mind—and to make it clear, yes so was everyone else, but they were aware they were drugged, Zeetha was clueless and so couldn’t fight it nearly as well—you can’t call them irresponsible and overconfident.

Not to mention, she didn’t even really do anything overconfident? She just briefly talks to Tarvek—that’s it. Also Higgs is the first one hit—he gets shoved back before Zeetha gets stabbed. He then also, while fighting very seriously—gets stabbed just like her? What exactly does he think would have gone differently had Zeetha not briefly talked to Tarvek?

And I get and understand that since this was his first wakeup call that he liked her (though I don’t think he actually realized truly realized until he’s on the clank—the way he words it makes it sound like he’s just figuring it out himself that he likes her, and wants her, and wants her to like him to) and so he’s not thinking straight and being overprotective—but I really wish the narrative would maybe point that out? Instead of acting like it’s a fact.

Like even if it’s just Mamma pointing out the he also got stabbed, after the fact, exactly like Zeetha did? Or Agatha tell Zeetha after her apology that no—you were unknowingly drugged—that’s not overconfidence, that’s not how that works?

Plus, honestly I feel that despite the fact he was trying to resolve her guilt when she first woke up, that Higgs focus on her “overconfidence” likely only worsened her guilt. She seems to take his opinion as fact as well…

Actually I think that a good chunk her trying to show off to Higgs is that she’s desperately trying to prove herself good enough after what happened. Both because she likes him and quite possible think all he sees in her is an idiot at this point, but also for her own sake… granted that second part is going into headcanon territory here.

(I have an headcanon/ fanon that Zeetha has a problem with “not being good enough” that comes from being a twin is Skifander, where her achievements were never good enough for a lot of people who saw her as a twin and nothing else, no matter how good they were or even if they were equivalent to those her age around her that got praised—so if that headcanon is true then well… Higgs words may have been a bit of a blow… Also in my fanon it’s her grandmother who is the worst of it too… so double blow?)

I should probably get over it, but it annoys me. I swear there was never anything major that indicated Zeetha had a problem with overconfidence until this subplot, so it still feels like it’s forced, and as the double down it feels even more so? Zeetha already gets to play worf whenever she’s fighting, it would be nice if she could at least not get called overconfident to. Especially in a world of Sparks—who are beyond overconfident and reckless—get to get away with it constantly?

(Yes, with the Horsie Beastie she gets a sprained ankle, but that’s the risk of fighting short ranged—and she was the only one of the group to work with someone else (Yeti) with a plan instead of just stumbling over everyone else. With Passholdt she’s very aware this is serious and they could die, and as she fought Lu in Agatha despite her boastings she was careful, both to test what Lu could do but also to not hurt Agatha to much (A wrong punch can kill someone after all).

Though I do like that it’s implied Zeetha did get Mamma’s blessing to join the fighting. And that other than her injury throbbing (as to be expected) she’s not shown once to actually be struggling with it. It’s not slowing her down, weakening her, or limiting her movements at all. She shows no sign of having trouble breathing, even after fighting or running, despite the fact her lungs had to have been punctured.

Though her injury… or rather her treatment… While it’s not confirmed here it is heavily implied she got the draught which, I mean yeah in canon it’s canon but still. I’m still not thrilled with the idea. Zeetha had been worfed so often that it just feels cheap—and kinda sad—that going forward she’ll likely win not through her own power (or even choice, she didn’t get to make the decision to take the draught after all) but through a mcguffin.

I would have also liked to see her power up come from either herself (Whether her keeping up as a badass normal, or some kind of war spark (I still hold onto the theory she had like, half the spark gene, and she had a psudo breakthrough when killing Bang’s fleet that maybe she’ll one day be able to control) or from something related to Skifander (since it is her character’s plot, and a huge part of her life.) Instead she once again kind feels like she getting overshadowed, whether by her connection it Agatha or her connection with Higgs. I like Ziggs, and it’s potential, a lot but I don’t want Zeetha downgraded to being basically Higgs girlfriends, which a lot of what has happened so far has felt like…

Well I’m just not thrilled.

I am hoping that her odd reaction (Two and half years in she’s neither mutated, or shown any enhanced ability in toughness or strength) to it is eventually going to mean that no—she didn’t react to the Jägerdraught in any normal way and isn’t becoming a Jäger. That her Skifandrian heritage (Which likely has something similar to the Dyne considering the connection of the Queens, and needing that power to become one…) basically neutralized it beyond taking the dyne water in its energy to heal her… or something. So she can get a proper power up through something else.

(I mean, I like the idea that Higgs won’t lose her to old age, but also kinda wish that a different method would be used to stop that… God Queen anyone XD. Though if all it did was make her un-ageing and that her power up comes from something else, I’m okay with that to.)

(…I still love the idea of God Queen Zeetha though… I mean, she almost more than Agatha has connections to that plot line thanks to Skifander.)

Also it’s confirmed she did die, briefly, which like… um, if she was that bad off maybe Higgs should have walked a little faster through the Castle, or let Agatha actually set her up on life support or something. They had set on Von Pinn rather quickly after all I mean… but whatever. They wanted her to die, for some reason. Probably to try and drive the overconfident point home… or something. (Or maybe to go God Queen you have to die, take the dyne water (or equivalent, it’s the energy that matters I think) and then get electrocuted… while the electrocution takes several years after the others that has all happened to Zeetha like it did Agatha…just saying…)

Also I’d like to say that Higgs stealing her swords was still a shitty thing to do. An understandably shitty thing to do, but a shitty thing to do regardless. While he may not know that, they are very important to her (they are the only thing she keeps in good condition before she meets Agatha, even her arm bands are grimy) and most importantly she’s an adult. Maybe take them away, still shitty but sure, but actually hiding them is infantilizing at best. Again him acting unreasonable because of sudden case of feeling, but I wish something had been made of it.

Also I want to make it clear, I’m not upset with Higgs actions. It’s great fodder for misunderstandings, a bit of angst, and grounds for them to have a good long talk that will end with their relationship growing stronger as well as character development. I’m just a bit annoyed with how the narrative as a whole is viewing them as well as… honestly… I no longer have much faith of the Fogilos when it comes to character three dimensionsness and development. So I’m… leery…

But enough of that, another thing to wonder

Who the heck is Omeetza that Zeetha briefly thinks is Higgs? IS this going to be a Time travel thing? Are the group going to end up in the past and become legends in Skifander? That would be hilarious. Makes me wonder what the “drive and burning singlemindedness” is about if it is/ will be him. 10 digibucks it has something to do with helping Zeetha. (Hopefully without overshadowing her though, please let the Skifander plot revolve around mostly her side of things, she’s been overshadowed so much.)

The other two options is that Higgs is just vaguely resembles a legendary figure, or that he’s been to Skifander in the past. The first one is boring, and also unlikely because why bring it up without fully explaining the legend then, and the last one I hope not, though, he does have an odd reaction when looking at the swords… so maybe he’s seen them before?

To be fair I understand him keeping that secret much more than him not telling Zeetha about the draught, he couldn’t answer that one as easily without letting his secrets go—plus knowing Zeetha he has no idea just how bad not knowing where Skifander is hurt even three years later. Though you would think that would have come up now that he’s confessed. And also I have a harder time think Zeetha would just let the fact he knew that go as easily. She might understand but I can’t help but feel it should hurt.

Alright back to a little salt though, I swear if it comes out that Zeetha wasn’t at least aware Higgs was a high ranking Jäger, if not a general or spymaster (though even those would be nice) then I’m gunna riot. The novels are even more clear how suspicions she is of him, and if Gil and Tarvek can figure it out—so can she. The Spark doesn’t help with noticing things like this (In fact I’d say generally it makes it harder) and Zeetha has just as much royal training as both of them. It would make no sense if she didn’t figure it out but let the secret lie until he told her. The only reason would be to make Gil and Tarvek more special in the main characterness, I swear…

#girl genius #zeetha #airman higgs #ziggs #skifander

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kris10tisme · 4 years

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Social Anxiety Origin Story

Social Anxiety is classified as a disorder. Isn’t that crazy!? You can actually read up on it on the MayoClinic or Webmd websites which shows that it really is a legitimate thing; it's not just you being a pussy. Most people who have social anxiety disorder don’t know what it is or why they’re like this. When we first become aware of our incomprehensible phobia we usually feel completely alien. People with this ailment tend to feel like the ultimate freaks, which knocks down their self esteem tenfold. If you have desperately searched online to potentially find answers: I feel you. The first time I felt a sense of belonging in this world was browsing through internet forums, reading about how people had the same irrational fears I did. You can find comfort in it sure, but it's definitely not the same as finding belonging in person. I didn’t know that I wasn’t completely alone in this struggle until I was maybe fifteen or sixteen years old navigating through my insufferable high school life! During that time google searches quickly became my best friend.

I can’t even really pinpoint where my SAD began for me. As a child I was pretty shy but I’d eventually open up once I became semi-comfortable. I didn’t ruminate whether or not I made some sort of fool of myself publicly. I was just having a blast man. Childhood is all fun and games but you really do get the carpet ripped out from under you when you enter adolescence.

I grew up a very privileged child financially - my parents both being middle class. My bills were all taken care of, and I didn't have to worry too much about the connections I would make with others in life. I was a kid. When a kid has no friends it's sad, but when an adult has no friends you wonder what they did wrong and you try to steer clear of them. There must be a reason why they are friendless: they must fetishize feet in their spare time! When you’re a child your only occupation is being a student. I’d wake up, go to school, learn stuff, socialize a bit among peers and then go home to watch TV and repeat, not questioning or overthinking the minutiae or idiosyncrasies in my life; just living day by day. Everything was smooth sailing. I figured I would hit my peak as a teenager and do all the cool teenagery things I saw on television like going to parties, making the cheerleading squad (though I’m not athletic at all; it would just happen), and have a tumultuous relationship with several boys. I’d pick the most special one to lose my virginity to on prom night! Then college would come, I’d go there and graduate and get a job. Sounds simple right!?

WRONG!

Hitting puberty was a big eye opener for me. It’s like once I menstruated my self-esteem plummeted. Everything about life just seemed a lot more competitive. There are all these milestones that society expects you to complete by certain ages: your first beer, your first kiss, your first fornication, your first job. All terrible and unfamiliar things! Now that I had bled and grown boobs, I was in the process of becoming a woman. I had to start making preparations to accomplish these milestones.

Seventh grade was the first year of my life I was depressed, and that terrible feeling hasn’t really depleted all that much since. In sixth grade I felt like a rock star… until the end of the year. I was a downright bully, mocking people in my class for the way they looked and acted. Some of my classmates found me funny, and I liked feeling that bold. I liked knowing that people were on the edge of their seats waiting for me to comment on a situation. It wasn’t until the end of the school year when one of the girls I heavily bullied called me out on my malicious means of garnering attention from my peers. She didn’t even insult me, she just spat out the truth. “You’re mean KRISTEN! You’re a BULLY!”

I can’t even explain how thrown off I felt by that mere observation. I never questioned why I did what I did; I liked the attention. I liked being someone people would be eager to hear from to know my latest outrageous comments on what surrounds us. Hearing this girl call me out for being a mean bully was a gut punch like no other. I couldn’t believe my ears. To me this girl wasn’t a person; she was a vessel. Someone to make fun of. Someone who was an easy target because she had a whole line of insults thrown her way since even before I saw her as easy prey.

No one ever downright called me out on my behavior. My dad did tell my mom that I was a horrible daughter, and he even asked who would want to have a daughter like me. But that was mostly because I was disrespectful towards him. Such a justified comment for a parent to make about his adolescent daughter right in front of her :)

That summer break I had tons of time to reflect upon my actions. I recognized how downright awful I had been to a lot of my classmates and vowed to make amends in the coming school year. I want to say, most of the bullying took place before I began menstruating, so you can blame my abhorrent behavior on my lack of emotional resonance and the fact that my womanly empathy and sympathy had not yet kicked in. That’s how I excuse how I acted.

So by seventh grade I was menstruating, and I grew D cup breasts overnight. I became a stand-up person - someone who didn’t throw vulnerable people under the bus for my own benefit. I became what you would call... “compassionate.”

Seventh grade was the year everything went downhill for me. Maybe it was the hormones kicking in and getting the better of me, or maybe it was me becoming more aware of what society deems as acceptable and proper. I felt like I should be cultivating a role in society, and I didn’t know what role to take. I couldn’t be loud and obnoxious anymore because my victims were starting to bite back and I realized the biting back hurt me more than I could handle.

For the rest of Junior High I struggled with my transitioning into a new person. My classmates instantly recognized how much softer and kind-hearted I became. I didn’t throw around as many insults, and if I did it was just playful banter. Me and the girl I had so savagely bullied were on decent terms, though we never really interacted with one another except for when obligatory social protocol called for it. I struggled with finding my niche again within my class. I got along with people just fine, but I suffered through a big identity crisis: I didn’t know what I could contribute without being outwardly obnoxious. I didn’t know what stereotypical personality trait defined me. Things got a bit more fucked at home for me, so that really took a toll on me mentally. I’ll get into how family influences your socialization tendencies in another post.

I’ve never wanted anything more in life other than to be liked. I know they say that not everyone’s gonna like you and that you should accept that, but I can’t! I just can’t accept it! The only way I will accept someone not liking me is if they’re completely indifferent to me, like when I have not done anything to them or in front of them to warrant them having an opinion on my character. So I keep my mouth shut. BUT THEN… I worry about what a weirdo they must think I am. If I’m too quiet then I give people the opportunity to make assumptions about me based on the impressions they have on me. They can be thinking anything, like that I watch tentacle porn, or that I collect toenail clippings or something.

I wonder if keeping my mouth shut all these years has done me more harm than good emotionally. Speaking up opens you up for attack, and I always feel like I have to be on the defensive. But when you say nothing to anyone, are you really living your life to the fullest and taking advantage of opportunities that could benefit you?

Meeting someone and getting to know them feels kind of like a step by step interrogation for me. The worst question I always get is, “What do you do?” Which I assume means “what do you do for a living?” Another one is,“Do you have a boyfriend?” It seems to me that the general public believes having a solid and steady job and being in some sort of romantic relationship completes the prerequisites for having a satisfactory life. Do these people even consider that you may be unemployed AND single? And that they’re unintentionally making you feel shitty about yourself? Just keep the convo focused on the weather for god sake.

I started this blog to vent about my feelings. I have been journaling a lot recently to blow off some steam because it's uncomfortable to complain about this stuff in real life. Only people on the internet can understand certain problems. I don’t know if anyone’s going to read this, but I feel like social anxiety is an underrepresented disease in mainstream media. It’s embarrassing to tell people that you are anxious for your next family gathering because you don’t know if you should greet someone with a kiss on their cheek if they’re sitting down. Do I just bend down!? Should they stand up? Am I being too forward, or are they gonna be offended if I don’t make a move to embrace them? That's a whole ordeal for me. It's not what people call a “real problem” but this is the shit I think about while I lie in bed at night. So if shit similar to that wanders through your mind when you contemplate the world, maybe you can find some sort of catharsis through this blog. We may not have a very mainstream disease, but at least we’ve got each other to relate to. We’re people who find solace in reading about similar experiences we’ve experienced online.

Just thinking back on the fact that what jump started my anxiety issue was a small little comment made by someone whose life I made torturous. I don’t place the blame on this girl, as I just enabled her to pull the trigger on some deeper rooted issues I bore. Although it is quite the struggle I am glad that the nastier person I was eventually transformed into a more compassionate one. I never got to formally apologize to that girl. I hope I didn’t leave a big lasting impression on her. I was really shitty to her. I would reach out to her through social media and apologize, but I’ve got way too much social anxiety for that!

Well now that we’ve covered my origin story I would love to hear about all of yours. I will continue to write about various social situations or predicaments that freak me out, as well as stuff I’ve been through at home and in high school and how I’ve evolved and haven’t evolved. I don’t want this blog to be filled with negativity. Hopefully it's self-effacing in a not too depressing way. If it’s too depressing please let me know. I don’t want to spread the feeling of hopelessness with this blog. I want people to find comfort and humor, and maybe we can come up with some potential resolutions for certain scenarios and give each other tips. If there are any readers out there, thanks for reading. I hope this in some way made you smile and feel like less of an outcast. Keep trooping on! You’re not alone :)

#social #anxitey #social anxious #social anxiety #depressed #depression #sad #origin #story #generalized anxiety disorder #help #myparentsdontunderstand #mental heath support #puberty #hormones #peer pressure #mental health #overthinking

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pkmnomegaverse · 5 years

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Fankid Kill List

I was going through some of my fankids I’m not feeling as much and debating whether I should scrap anyone. To help organize my thoughts, I wrote notes about each character to see if things could be salvaged.

Kanto

- Blue “Leaf” Greene (Beta) (Single Mother) Quill Greene - Beta!Boy

Pros: While a bit of a con since it makes developing him daunting since too many possibilities, he has an in with Team Cross and Team Rocket, so there's a wide range of possibilities here. A unique position other kids don't have. His design is also open to whatever cause his father doesn't matter so sky's the limit. In some ways it's wasted potential to scrap him?

Issues: He is, without question, the oldest fankid if I stick to the original plotline. That is truly why I have issues developing him. He's disconnected and by the time TC is taken down, he'd be 24-28. No longer a kid, an adult with his own life by this point. Which further disconnects him from the rest of the cast. Leaf isn't going to be able to justify shielding a 28 year old either, the way she could if he was in his teens.

Solutions: Scrap Leaf. But to keep him, I really do need to modify things with Leaf. Because I don't want a fankid that much older than the others. Maybe Leaf really is just a villain. Joined TC because why not. She was in TR already. Maybe the group wasn't as bad early on. Plus she had already experimented on Pokemon. In this scenario, she doesn't take the job for her son, she does it for herself. Quill is either the result of sleeping with someone in the group, or full on science baby. This would allow me to make him younger, but amps Leaf’s villainy, to the point she approaches irredeemable. Or at least Karma Houdini. He requires a lot of consideration, which since I forever neglect Kanto, is why I consider cutting him. Save myself some headache. Although if he goes, Leaf might go as well. I could also just make him evil. Science experiment kid that attacks others. But again, Leaf’s villainy increases as his does. Basically, kinda start fresh.

Johto

Perfect as is!

Hoenn

- Liza Remwood (Alpha) & Flannery [Moore] Remwood (Beta) (FiregirlShipping) Scarlet Remwood - Alpha!Girl

(Flavia can live)

Pros: Liza knocking up two ladies during her world tour through Hoenn is so good. I love this plotline. The kind of drama I crave. I also love this ship idea, one of my pair-the-spares I got more attached to.

Issue: I just...have no role for her. Flavia is friends with Ina, and I really really like the potential of this ship as well as the way they get together. So they have to have at least one kid. But there's a reason I don't give two kids to side ships unless I'm super passionate about them. She just feels like a placeholder character.

Solution: Obviously develop her. In theory, she should be around the same age as the older Hoenn kids. Thus she needs a role related to them. Gym Leader like Micah and Neil? E4 member? I think designing her might help. Alternatively, she could maybe work for Interpol and interact with Lonan, Rosette, and Lynn. Take the role Kalei was meant to have. Be a tough independent girl like Liza.

- Greta Walter (Alpha) & Liza Alvis (Omega) (MartialArtsShipping) Alyssum Alvis - Alpha!Girl

Pros: Her parent ship is cute.

Issues: Like all the Hoenn kids on this list, I have no role or development for her. She literally only exists because I’m very taken with Tate’s family, so I had to develop his twin sister by default. I also like her parent’s ship in theory, but they have no development. So I actually just don't care about this family at all outside their connection to Tate’s family.

Solutions: I really am drawing a blank for her development. She could possibly interact with Armel, Mara, Corin, and Lotte, which would imply an interest in contests. Make her someone's ex? Liliana or Kei’s? There is no loss or gain to her, so unless something comes up, it might be best to let her go and add her back down the line if needed. Alternatively, doing something drastic to her parent’s ship might help. It’s why I like Tate/Tucker, so adding some kind of edge could go a long way.

- Sidney Cethin (Alpha) & Glacia [Foyr] Cethin (Omega) (HoennEliteShipping) Damien Cethin - Omega!Boy

Pros: I'm starting to grow really fond of his parent’s ship.

Issues: Don't care for his name. No role. No real feel for his character at all.

Solution: Change name. To Lumi perhaps? Even though it's an ice themed girl’s name, I've wanted to use it for a while and could swing it for an omega. He could maybe work for the E4. Have a crush on Dylan? Interact with main Hoenn kids more. Maybe completely swap the roles I was thinking of for him and Scarlet. He's in Interpol? Ice king. He and Scarlet could also be bitter exes with lingering feelings. I suppose that would give Lonan someone his own age to go to for advice. With Scarlet they're just bros, but I suppose with Damien, they could also “help each other out” during that time of the year.

- Zinnia Draconid (Omega) (Single Mother) Eurybia Draconid - Omega!Girl (Other parent is Liza Remwood (Alpha); IotaShipping; one night stand)

Pros: The plotline for her conception is so good. I want to keep her for that reason alone. Potentially cute design with parents like that.

Issues: No development. She’s also kinda tied to Scarlet, so if one goes, the other likely follows.

Solutions: Develop more. If I keep Scarlet, she lives by default. So prioritize Scarlet for development. Since character wise, I was picturing her somewhat priestess like. The other way to interpret “lorekeeper.”

- Riley Roscoe (Alpha) & Wanda [Lorn] Roscoe (Omega) (TunnelShipping) Ander Roscoe - Alpha!Boy

Pros: He's Peyton’s cousin so from a story standpoint, I like the idea of Wanda helping Wally out with pregnancy stuff since she already had a kid.

Issues: I feel nothing for the parent ship which is the major issue with him. I also picture him taking after his dad more , so not a cutie and pretty boys are my bread and butter.

Solution: Give him a cute design? Change his design and character so he takes after Wally’s half of the family more? Bryne could maybe date him, which is an idea I've had for a while anyway but I should develop Bryne more first.

Sinnoh

- Maylene Hendrick (Alpha) & Candice [Iclyn] Hendrick (Omega) (GlistenShipping) North Hendrick - Alpha!Girl

Pros: Pink hair. Her parents are an obvious f/f alpha/omega couple I've considered since the beginning.

Issues: Don't feel much for the parent ship. Have no role other more interesting characters can't serve. The issue truly is that for almost everyone else I consider cutting, I either like the parent ship or I sort of like the idea of the character themselves. North has neither quality.

Solution: She's #1 on the hit list, so I truly do think I will cut her. That's the solution. Otherwise….while there's no character/personality to scrap cause she has nothing, try to start from the ground up?

- Thorton Withrow (Beta) & Marley [Austin] Withrow (Beta) (BriarShipping) Ivy Withrow - Beta!Girl

Pros: She actually has a design sketch started! A potential science kid Oralie could interact with. Or just provide tech support from the background. Quirky and eccentric.

Issues: She's actually low on the hit list since my main issue is that I'm just not feeling the parent ship as much, over having issues with her? It was a pair-the-spares that stuck, but never rose in interest for me. I'm neutral on them over disliking them. She's also just not that well developed, but same with everyone else on this list.

Solution: Consider changing parent ship? I want her tied to Thorton over Marley if this happens. Parents divorce? Finish the sketch of her, since actually drawing the character almost always helps.

Unova

- Curtis Mirren (Omega) & Rosa Blanc (Omega) (LiveCasterShipping) Briar Mirren-Blanc - Omega!Boy

Pros: Protag ship so kinda have to keep per my own rules. Has a unique family dynamic and conception method. Cute. Potential actor kid. Creepers would be into him which is easy drama points, so an avenue to explore even if I've maybe overused the idea at this point.

Issues: I don't like his parent ship much. That's really a big part of it. They're fine. But just boring. I have no alt ship for either of them though so this isn't easily fixable. He’s also disconnected from everyone since I don't have him interacting with anyone yet.

Solution: Either the parent ship needs to be scraped or heavily modified, or Briar just needs to suffer. Throw shitty omegaverse tropes at him so his life is angst, and then maybe I'll care. A different route I haven't actually used tho is he could be a fankid hit with a teen pregnancy. Cause what scandal. Bonus points if the father is either his manager or just some older actor guy he co-starred with in something. Someone playing his father.

- Lenora Carter (Alpha) & Hawes [Howard] Carter (Omega) (AloeVeraShipping) Amber Carter - Omega!Girl

Pros: Her design would be cute as hell. Sorta fro-ish hair the same color as Lenora’s. Sorry Hawes, she's gonna look like Lenora. Also a friend for Bailey, which is an idea I've had for a while.

Issues: Don't care about her parent ship. I don't dislike them. I just couldn't care less. So like Ivy, she's low on the hit list since it's related to parent ship over disliking the fankid herself.

Solution: Draw her so I like her more? I don't think much can be done about her parents tho. They're canon and no reason to ship them with anyone else.

- Benga Asquith-Dragwald (Alpha), Iris Asquith-Dragwald (Alpha), & Shannon [Cecil] Asquith-Dragwald (Omega) (DragonheartfullShipping) Kino Asquith-Dragwald - Alpha!Boy (Biological parents are Benga/Shannon) Aspen Asquith-Dragwald - Alpha!Girl (Biological parents are Iris/Shannon)

Pros: A unique family dynamic I don't have anywhere else. In theory, the kids have good color combos for designs.

Issues: I kinda...don't care about any of these characters as much? As terrible as this sounds, Iris is a character I never felt any attachment to. She's fine. I just don't care. And Benga and Shannon aren't actually interesting enough on their own to fuel this family. It's a ship I consider dropping because I don't care.

Solution: Change things around with the ship? I don't know what. I'm not against this pairing, I’m just not super feeling it as it stands. That needs to be resolved before I can make progress with the kids.

- Stephan Moray (Alpha) & Montgomery Vilis (Omega) (GekiShipping) Wyatt Vilis - Alpha!Boy

Pros: Interaction with the Grimsley/Marshal kids, who I love. I like the basic idea of the connection between their families as well. Exists to be someone Colvin can use once he's rescued. So Colvin’s sad future ex-boyfriend.

Issues: He's very undeveloped and I actually don't feel strongly about the parent ship. Making them connected to Grimsley/Marshal just means they’re overshadowed by that ship’s greatness since that's a ship I really really like. Also, any number of characters could be Colvin’s kinda sorta boyfriend once he's rescued. I don't need to make a character whose only role is that. So he needs more. Needs to be his own person.

Solution: Obviously just develop him more. Also consider doing something to switch up his parents dynamic a bit? I think if I can make myself feel that ship more, things will fall into place.

Kalos

- Olympia de Vere (Alpha) & Fantina Belaire (Omega) (CirqueDuSoleilShipping) Sybil de Vere - Alpha!Girl

Pros: Gonna have a bitchin design with those parents. Can be the Gym Leader of Anistar, a role I need. Psychic chic who can see the future, so useful for plot purposes if needed.

Issues: She's very disconnected from the other Kalos kids, who all are interwoven through each other. That’s really her biggest con.

Solution: Make her interact with more characters. Also make her a bit younger, maybe only a year old when the game ends? She could very well be Casimir’s age as well. No reason a 14 year old couldn't be a Gym Leader. Something she feels super strongly about, given her heritage. Also instead of her being cold like Olympia, switch things around and actually make her kind of petulant. Butts heads with other characters. Really, just get her interacting with someone. She has relatives in Hoenn and Sinnoh so no reason to lock her to Kalos either. Which if I keep her older, is an option for the other characters to have her interact with. Travels with Felix for a time?

Alola

- Hapu Makua (Alpha) & Acerola [Kealoha] Makua (Omega) (SilkStoneShipping) Akoko Makua - Omega!Girl (Twin) Akia Makua - Alpha!Girl (twin)

Pros: I said I'd do parent ships people recommended and that's what this is. I also don't think I'd pair these two with anyone else? They have ghost potential with is always a plus

Issues: I don't care about this pairing or the parent characters. Either of them. Hapu is just kind of boring while Acerola is one I want to like in theory, but don't. And unlike most of the other kids in this situation, Akoko and Akia don't have anything going for them that makes me consider holding on for that reason alone.

Solution: They're very high on the hit list. Hard to say if they're #2 or #3 (tied with the kid below). Since while I could do something drastic with their story to make them more interesting, nothing will change the fact that I just don't feel anything for their parents. Maybe it's better to scrap them and cut my losses. I can always add them again later. Plus easier to start fresh if they've been scraped.

- Kukui (Alpha) & Burnet (Beta) (EternalHoneyMoonShipping) Kalei Burnet-Kukui - Beta!Girl

Pros: White hair! This is such a blessing, it's a shame I don't feel this kid at all. From a narrative standpoint, I also feel these two would have a child. It makes sense given how they were acting as parents to Lillie. They really truly should have a fankid.

Issues: I don't care about the parent ship and never will. It's cute, but I have no desire to develop canon ships. This is a curse I have as a whole in any and all fandoms. And while this is true for every Alola character, I got no role for Kalei.

Solution: I do think cutting her and Akia and Akoko would go a long way to making me like Alola more. If I could make myself happy with all the fankid in the region, it'd make me want to develop them more. Because I don't actually like Alola all that much. Doesn't have the advantage the other regions have for me (except maybe Kalos) where I really like the region as a whole. I've thought about her a lot, and at this point, I can't think of anything that would make me like her more. Cause the parent ship will always be the issue. If I do scrap her, I might give her name to the Lillie/Hau daughter, cause I hate Leila’s name.

Orre

Perfect as is!

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