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fiction-fun · 3 years

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Love Through the Reincarnations pt 1

Hey guys! New story time! Fair warning I'm only putting the words/warnings at the top of this part! So we can fit more story in the others! I have no clue how long this will be either.

Fandom: Hamilton

Pairings: Alexander/Eliza, Lafayette/oc

Words: 24063

Warnings: none, let me know if I missed any

I settled at my desk, my laptop open and I set about writing my memory diary. I opened a word document and began typing.

‘I remember the day we met. It was a bright sunny summer day. My father had arranged for you to take care of me until I was married, him having recently passed. I pushed open the door and stepped inside and you surprised me. “Bonjour!” You announced proud and full of energy. It stunned me briefly but when I looked up and saw you my breath hitched. You came down the steps and my eyes took in your bright eyes and dark curly hair tied back. Your sword sheathed at your side as you paused in front of me. I caught myself and quickly uttered a shaky “B-bonjour!” but you smiled and took my hand pressing a kiss to my knuckles. You introduced yourself “I am Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette, and you My fair lady?” you asked and I knew you knew who I was but manners kicked in. “I am Kaleyanna Sinclair.” I said trying to hide how breathless I was. You smiled and asked if I was of the winery by the same name and I had said I was. We made small talk about my father and you showed me to my room, having taken my bags from me.

You assured me I wasn’t going to be constantly monitored. “You aren’t a child you know what’s appropriate and what isn’t.” you had said. We talked for a few more moments mostly about the room before you made your excuses to go down and go over your war documents, that’s right. I knew the whole time, I just let you believe I was unaware of what you were involved in. The next few days you took great pleasure in personally showing me around. “Look at the buildings Leyanna! This is all new construction isn't it wonderful?” you had asked pure joy on your face and in your tone. I look back on those days and fondly remember your bright smile. It not leaving your face for a second as long as I was around, I was sure when you were left alone with your documents it slid slowly from your face.

The next two years we grew close. You introduced me to your friends once, Laurens and Mulligan. Your drinking buddies, who encouraged you to drink that dredge water. That was the day before you received a dozen papers, all before an important meeting. I would do what I could to help you, clean up and bring you tea when you seemed to need it, but I saw as the days, the weeks and months dragged you down. I remember the day Alexander's letter came through to you from the office of George Washington. You stood at your desk, looking it over for a long time.

“Laffy?” I had called softly trying to pull you from your thoughts and turn your attention to something else. You jumped, it was such a small movement I’m not entirely sure you’ll recall it, but back then everything you did captivated me.

“Leyanna….” You started and trailed off, before moving towards me and around me. “Laffy?” I asked again. You paused part way up the stairs and turned to me. Your face held determination, but also worry.

“They need me out there, I have to go prepare.” You said tone soft and gentle but the finality in it wasn’t lost on me. You knew as well as I, that you may not return. I nodded and moved from the steps and to the kitchen. I don’t know if you noticed when you came down, but I had allowed myself a quiet cry while creating dinner. I worried about you and would miss you. The following week was tense as we both tried to seem ok.

I will never forget the day you left. You had your bag by the door and that morning I woke to you in my doorway. You apologized for disturbing me and I assured you that you hadn’t. I requested a moment to get dressed and then I took your arm and we walked down the steps. The trip down those steps, was the longest most dread filled journey I have ever taken. I stopped on the last step and slowly let my arm fall from yours. You gave me a small smile and turned to the door, neither of us wanted to say anything that might make your leaving harder. As you pulled open the door, I took a shaky breath, tears starting to slide down my face.

“Gilbert!” I called voice shaking. You turned and had to drop your bag as I had jumped from the step to you. My arms wrapping around your neck and yours sliding around my waist, head dropping to my shoulder. “Leyanna.” You whispered softly. I pulled back and looked you in the eyes, I must have looked a sight but I could tell you were just as upset.

“You come back to me, Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette! You understand!” I said firmly using your full name and title, I finally broke my silence on my feelings for you after 2years. You tightened your arms and pulled me in close. “I will, you have nothing to worry about, Mon Amour.” You had murmured and then sealed our lips together. A few seconds later you pulled back and tucked a lock of my hair behind my ear. “I’ll be back as soon as I can.” You had said softly settling me back on my feet.

I nodded not trusting my voice I gave you a shaky smile and softly closed the door behind you. I spent the next few months until the Winters Ball keeping as busy as I could. The day before the ball I prepared my dress a nice soft wine-colored dress. I headed to bed early that night, every bone in my body, every fiber of my being waiting for the night to turn to day. I spent the entire day of the Ball getting ready, hoping you’d be able to get away, that you were back from your last trip to France. That night, dressed in my dress and a bow in my hair I rode to the ball and looked around for you. I didn’t see you at first, first I spotted Mulligan and he waved then I saw Burr and Laurens and then Alexander. But I still hadn’t seen you. I spent a little while just moving through the room looking for you but still being polite about my interactions.

I felt arms slide around my waist and my breath hitched. “Did you miss me, Mon Amour?” your voice ghosted over my neck and I spun my eyes catching yours and my breath catching in my throat. “Mon Amour.” I whispered softly barely able to breath, but being in your arms always did that to me. You gifted me with that bright smile of yours and stepped back, bowing and holding your hand out to me. “Shall we?” you asked and I took your hand and nodded.

We spent the rest of the night twirling around the dance floor. That night, as the ball was ending you leaned down and tucked your head into my shoulder. “I’m going to be around for a little while, I hope you won’t grow annoyed with me.” You whispered and I let out a choked breath gripping you tighter. “Never!” I whispered fervently. I felt your smile press into my shoulder and we swayed as the music ended. Just as we were leaving you paused and looked at the room. The only ones left were Eliza with Alexander, Laurens, Mulligan, Peggy and Angelica. You waved to the guys before turning to me. “Let’s go home.” You said softly and I nodded

That night we sat up talking for so long. It was already late when we got to the house but it was early morning the sun starting to rise as we fell asleep talking.’

“Kaley!” my mother sharp voice called from the doorway.

I saved the document and closed my laptop.

“Oui, maman?” I asked with a smile.

She held up a large envelope and I sucked in a breath.

“Columbia’s letter came!” She said passing it to me.

I took it carefully from her before tearing open the envelope. Inside I found a folder with a congratulations letter.

“I was accepted!” I squealed excitedly.

Mom smiled and nodded.

“I knew you would be. Perhaps you’ll tell me one day why you want to go to a school in a different country!” Maman said with smile.

“I’ve already told you, it’s the most likely place to meet some old friends.” I returned carefully.

Mom shook her head; she didn’t believe in reincarnates.

“Perhaps the truth one day. Dinner will be ready shortly.” She said turning and walking from the room.

I sat back and looked over my paperwork and something caught my eyes.

‘I got a scholarship from kings’ college.’ I thought with a laugh.

I turned back to my computer, opening it and reopening the document. And began typing again.

‘I remember when you asked me to be yours for the rest of time. It was a week later you took me by the hand and lead me into the back garden. The garden was in full bloom roses, Lilies, Daisy’s, daffodils a ton of different flowers in full bloom making for a beautiful background. You were fidgeting as we took our impromptu walk. I smiled softly and looked up at you. “Laffy?” I asked gently. I was worried you were going to tell me you had to leave already, but you just smiled at me and pressed a kiss to my cheek, perfectly polite. You lead me to the heart of the garden and paused. I looked at you watching your movements, like I said, everything you did captivated me.

“Leyanna, I can’t promise you the world. I can’t promise jewels or money. I can promise my undying unending love, I can swear up and down to do my damnedest to finish this war and come home to you. Will you marry me?” you asked and I immediately started crying. “Y-yes!” I sobbed a smile bright on my face. The preparations went quickly and within two weeks we were happily married. But things didn’t stay as fairytale like as they were.

I woke up one morning two months later and you were sat in bed watching me. I smiled up at you before taking in the serious look on your face, your sword at your side and hat beside you. I sat up quickly, fearing the worst. “I’m so sorry Leyanna. I have to go.” You said and I knew it killed you too so I painted on a small smile and nodded slipping from bed I walked around the bed careful of your bag and boots. I stopped before you and kissed you softly.

“Give me a few moments to get dressed and I’ll walk you out, ok?” I asked you and you silently nodded. I turned to the closet and pulled out a simple dress for the day preparing quickly I turned to you. You stood just behind me, the model of the perfect soldier. You offered me your arm, I took it and we took that dreaded journey down the stairs.

“I’ll be back as soon as I can.” You assured me. I nodded and smiled. “I know, Mon Amour, I know. Just be careful. Je t'aime.” I said softly. You took a deep breath. “Je t'aime aussi.” You said gently before turning to the door and opening it. “Gilbert!” I called mirroring last time you turned and caught me just as before. We folded into each other. “Come back to me my love.” I said softly. “I will, don’t you worry.” You had assured me with a strength I’m sure you weren’t even sure you had. Then you were out the door.’

I saved the document and leaned back in my chair trying to decide what to write next. I shook my head before turning my Laptop off, after saving again.

'I'll write more tomorrow; things are always clearer after I sleep.’ I thought just as mom called me down for supper.

After dinner I went back to my room and got ready for bed, laying down and falling asleep. Waking to the sound of my alarm I sighed softly and reached over hitting the off button and laying in bed for a minute.

'I long for the days past when the sound of the birds woke me, well that and the soft snores of my love. The children awake and laughing in their room.’ I thought with a sad smile on my face. I sat up when I heard my door open, my mother sticking her head in.

“Oui, Maman?” I ask, tilting my head and letting my dark hair fall over my shoulder as I reach for my robe.

“You should get up, we have to go shopping for your supplies and get your passport worked out. You only have 3 weeks to get everything together.” Mom said standing in the door way.

My breath hitched in my throat as the present and past melded together and for just a second it was Lafayette in my doorway. I let out a shaky sigh and nodded.

“Oui, Maman. I’ll be down in a few minutes.” I said standing up and pulling my robe closed around me.

She nodded and turned from the room. I leaned against one of the beams of my four poster, letting a few tears slide down my face.

“Oh my love, I hope you’re back. If anyone deserves it, it’s you.” I whispered softly.

I wiped my face and stood up, moving to my closet and pulling out a simple red blouse and a pair of dark jeans. I quickly moved to the bathroom and got dressed, brushing my hair and braiding it before smiling softly and tying a white bow at the end.

'I wonder if you would still say some French traditions fit me.’ I thought smiling gently.

I walked from the bathroom and pulled on a pair of light white socks and my dark blue sneakers before looking at my laptop.

“I’ll write more when I get home.” I whispered before grabbing my bag and making sure my wallet and ID were in there.

I headed downstairs and mom looked up from her paper.

“All ready?” she asked looking up at me.

I nodded.

“Oui, let’s go. I still have a lot of paperwork to do for the college.” I returned turning to the door.

She sat her paper down and stood up.

“Alright let’s go.” She said grabbing her purse.

I walked out of the house ahead of her and turned back as she locked the door. When she finished we walked to the car and got in, quickly starting it and backing from the driveway.

“I don’t understand why you tie your hair like that.” Mom said glancing quickly from the road to me before turning back.

I let out a sigh.

“Yes well, you don’t seem to understand me at all.” I muttered softly.

Mom sighed and looked at me at a stop light.

“You have changed so much in the last two years. I didn’t raise you like this.” Mom said voice tense.

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“I don’t want to fight. I have changed, but that’s something you need to deal with. You don’t wish to believe the truth and what has happened and that’s fine but please just drop it and let’s finish gathering the things I need for school.” I said looking out of the window.

Mom’s hands tightened on the steering wheel as she started driving again. The rest of the day was spent in a tense silence as we collected the various documents and the supplies I’d need. When we got home I carried things up to my room and sat at my desk mom stood in the doorway.

“We’ll need to go shopping again. Maybe next week when you finish the paperwork and find out move in dates so we can ship things ahead of time.” Mom said.

I nodded and hummed a bit distracted.

“Are you even listening?” she asked arms crossed.

“Oui Ang…Maman I am. I’m just thinking. I’m going to work on the paperwork today and I should know shortly all of the rest of the information. Although I may have to email the admissions office to ask specific questions and see if I’d have to go over early for matriculation.” I said turning in my chair to my laptop.

I saw mom nod out of the corner of my eye and she walked away. I sighed and leaned back, my mind not focusing on the here and now, but the long-gone days of the past. I turned and opened my computer on autopilot, opening my memory diary I started typing.

‘I remember quiet summer mornings in our second year living together before we were married. I’d be sitting in my room reading quietly, I’d hear a small noise and look up to see you standing, arms loosely crossed over your chest. Your eyes playful and hair down, a smile playing across your face. I smiled gently at you, and closed my book setting it aside before rising.

“Yes, Laffy?” I asked you, a smile on my face. You smiled brightly at me and shook your head, your hair swaying around your shoulders. “I just wanted to see you. You’ve been locked away reading since breakfast.” you said with a soft laugh. I stopped in front of you and laughed a bit. “Says the man who locks himself in his office for hours at a time. Well, you’ve pulled me from my book, shall we take a walk before lunch?” I had asked, a gentle smile on my face. You nodded and offered me your arm, I took it gently and we set off. We walked down the steps and out of the house, heading to the park where we paused for a little while in front of the pond, ducks floating through the water.

“I may have to leave for a few days.” You said softly, finally breaking the silence that had settled over us. I nodded, looking up at you. “I thought you might have to. But it’s to help gain funding, right?” I had asked letting you know that I had been paying attention and knew some of what you were into. You looked at me, my breath hitching as your eyes caught mine. You smirked and let a small laugh go. “Yes, it shouldn’t be anything to dangerous.” You said, we both let the 'for now' stay unsaid. I nodded, and leaned into your side almost imperceptibly. After a few more minutes we started on our way back home.’

Leaning back in my desk chair I tried to figure out what else to type. My mind was still shifting through the memories and I sighed softly closing my eyes. Just as I was about to give up on typing anything else, a memory jumped out at me. I looked back over my writings and noticed I hadn’t written about it. I sat up and started typing again.

'It was late summer or I suppose technically early fall, a bright day. A day of joy. It was our wedding day, just a week after you had asked me to marry you. I sat up in my room, dress laid on my bed as Angelica stood twisting my hair into a braid. Eliza stood in front of me, doing my makeup. And Peggy she stood at the side of the bed unlacing the corset on my dress.

“Are you sure you want your hair braided with the ribbon through it? And a bow? That’s very similar to how you always wear it.” Angelica had asked me, trying to get me to change what I wanted. “Yes, I’m sure. The thing is, Laffy likes my hair braided and the white bow is a French tradition, one we both enjoy.” I explained with a light blush on my cheeks. Eliza laughed softly as she settled the brush down and looked over my shoulder. “Let her have what she wants.” She said smiling at her sister. Angelica laughed as she fixed my hair. Peggy stood and looked over to us. “Well whatever you’re doing, finish it quickly. It’s almost time!” she said quickly.

The other two nodded and finished quickly I looked in the mirror above my table and smiled nodding, before stepping over to Peggy and letting her help me into my dress, Angelica stepping in to pull my laces tight. Eliza placed my veil carefully on my head and Peggy lifted my feet to put my shoes on. I smiled in the mirror glad that today would be the day I became yours for the rest of time. You’ll have to tell me what your dressing time was like, what with Alexander Laurens and Mulligan there with you.

“So, what are your old, new, borrowed and blue?” Peggy asked me smiling beside me. I laughed softly and looked at the table. “I have my mother’s bracelet as my old, my borrowed is Lafayette’s pin.” I said holding both up, I sighed softly. “My new will be the ring. But as for the blue? That would be my bouquet.” I said smiling again. “Whatever took you two so long to get to this point, I will never understand.” Angelica said laughing softly. I laughed with her and nodded. “It took time and understanding to build up the courage for both of us.” I had responded.

The rest of the time we had to prepare quickly flew by and I stood at the top of the stairs looking down seeing Alexander with Eliza, Peggy with Laurens and Angelica with Mulligan walking from the house and towards the backyard where the ceremony was. I carefully walked down the steps and paused at the bottom.

“Nervous?” I heard a voice ask from behind me. I turned and smiled, seeing Washington standing there. He was the only one who made sense to walk me down the aisle, he had become like a father to you and the others over the time you had served with him. I shook my head and smiled brightly at him. “No, I’m excited. I can’t wait for the moment where we are announced as husband and wife and are together for the rest of our lives.” I said with a bright smile and a gentle laugh followed from Washington. “Good, we both know how much that man loves you. We should head out now.” He said holding his arm out for me, just as the first notes of the march started.

I took his arm and took a deep breath as we walked from the house. The walkway had been cleared and the stones laid nicely. The flowers were in full bloom and butterflies fluttered through the air. I felt my breath hitch as we turned the corner. There you stood, in full crisp blue uniform. You had decided to let your hair fall to your shoulders free of its tie today. I saw your eyes widen as you looked at me and I smiled shakily excitement racing through me. As Washington lead me closer, I noticed that your eyes were sparkling in the sun but you also seemed to be holding in tears giving your eyes a wet bright look. I smiled and blinked a bit, trying to hold back my own tears.

“You look amazing.” You had whispered when Washington had parted from me moving to the side. I smiled and blinked again. “You look amazing as well.” I had whispered back. Then the pastor began the ceremony. After we recited our vows, having made quite a few people in the crowd tear up, including ourselves. We exchanged the rings and then the pastor called for you to kiss me as your bride for the first time. We shared a soft gentle kiss, nothing more than what we had shared in private before, just in front of our friends and family. We lead the way back down the aisle with the others following behind us.

We had our reception late into the night and laughed at the antics of all of our friends. Laurens, Alexander and Mulligan getting a little too drunk and dancing around the room will always be a highlight I remember. But the best moment was when we snuck away from the party and upstairs. We laughed as we stumbled down the hall, headed to your room. We both giggled as we walked through the door.

“You know as soon as they realize we are gone they are going to suspect why we left.” You had said kicking your boots off. I laughed and moved into the closet where our friends had been nice enough to move some of my night clothes. “Yes, I know. But if you wouldn’t be opposed, I think sleeping is what I want to do tonight. Sleeping while being held by you sounds like the perfect night.” I had responded as I walked from the closet, a smile on my face and dress safely tucked away. You walked to me and wrapped your arms around me, leaning down and kissing me. “Then let us sleep.” You had said softly against my lips. We backed up to the bed and fell down together curling together under the covers, we slowly fell asleep to the continued sounds of the party from downstairs. All of our friends knew they were allowed to use the other rooms to sleep in for the night.’

I saved the document my brain finally clearing back to the present. I closed out the document and opened the website for the college, and the envelope I had received. I looked over the information they needed and nodded opening an email I quickly scanned in the documents and included all of the necessary information, as well as my questions. I looked at the clock and realized it was already getting late. Mom and I had eaten while we were out and I contemplated opening the document again to write more but shook my head. There would be time. I turned my computer off and got ready for bed. I crawled in and let my hand rest on the pillow beside mine.

“Goodnight my love, wherever you may be.” I whispered to the room.

The next morning, I woke up, hitting the alarm button to silence it. Giving a soft sigh I opened my curtains and let the sun fill the room. I went to the closet and pulled out a dark blue top and jeans putting on my socks and blue sneakers. I walked downstairs mom having already left and I made myself a cup of coffee while making some toast. My brain a million moons away. I took the toast and coffee and settled at the table.

‘I wonder if you’re having breakfast now, or dinner? I hope you’re remembering to eat; you have had a problem with that. I wonder if you’ll have applied to Kings College or not. I hope so, I miss you my love.’ I thought as I ate my toast.

I finished breakfast and walked upstairs not seeing any return emails in response to what I had sent the day before.

‘If nothing comes by the day after tomorrow, I’ll have to call them.’ I thought with a sigh.

I looked at the document and shook my head. I’d write more later. I closed my laptop and grabbed my bag, writing a quick note for mom I headed out of the house. I walked down the road and stopped at a flower shop.

“Hello!” the woman behind the counter said with a smile.

“Hello.” I returned looking around the shop.

After a few seconds I signed and stepped up to the counter.

“Can I help you with anything?” the woman asked.

I nodded and smiled gently.

“I’m headed to visit someone and I’d like to bring flowers.” I started.

The woman nodded.

“Alright, what would you like to bring?” she asked.

I smiled gently my mind leading back to that day long ago.

“Lilies, Roses, weeping hearts, violets, daisies and daffodils. Any arrangement would be lovely.” I returned.

The woman nodded and turned to grab a few pieces of paper, before moving around and gathering the flowers, creating a lovely bouquet. I sighed with a smile on my face when she handed it to me. I cradled it gently as I pulled my wallet from my bag.

“That’ll be 25$ please.” The woman said.

I nodded and handed her the money. I looked down at the flowers and sniffed them smiling softly. I turned and walked from the shop and headed down the road. I paused at an old church one that hadn’t been used in years but I remembered it clearly. I carefully pushed open the ancient gate and walked to the back where the graveyard was. I carefully walked down the line of old tombstones before pausing at one. Carefully I kneeled down and pulled a few weeds carefully from the grave. The one I kneeled in front of was the best taken care of one in the whole graveyard. The rest belonged to people who had been forgotten but who also might walk with them again, just as I did. I carefully laid the flowers on top of the grave.

“Hello Laffy. I miss you. I hope to see you again soon. Of course, I hope it’s sooner than later. You’ve missed so much, both back then and now. The times have changed so much. You won’t believe the changes, then again if you’re back you’ve seen them like I have and are now used to them. I love you so much, I wish I could wrap my arms around you again already. You always know how to make me feel better, to feel secure. I’ve been writing my memories lately. I’ll have to show you them when we finally meet again.” I said my voice shaking lightly.

I sat in front of his grave for a long time, just talking out my problems and the things that have happened. When the sun started to sink into the horizon in late afternoon, I stood slowly from my spot.

“I'll be back again before I leave, my love. But hopefully when I return, it’ll be with you by my side. I love you.” I said softly looking at the grave.

I smiled gently, feeling lighter than I had when I arrived. I walked carefully back the way I came and carefully closed the gate as I left the church yard. I made my way back home and inside.

“There you are!” my mom called when I closed the door.

I rolled my eyes and turned to her.

“I left you a note on the table. I was going to visit a friend.” I said having little to no patience for her ruining my day.

She laid her hands on the table and gave me a look.

“I’m getting tired of your attitude. You’re always in your room typing away at your computer, and if you’re not in your room, then you’re gone for hours at a time!” Mom exclaimed.

I sighed and looked at her.

“Then maybe I should look into staying in America for the duration of my education. Because I’m not going to change how I am. And do you really, really want to talk about attitude? You try and pick a fight at everything. I’m sick of it! I can’t do anything without you getting angry. Frankly it’s rather annoying that you always blame me for everything when it’s not my fault.” I said crossing my arms over my chest.

Mom stood up and crossed her arms.

“Maybe you should.” Mom said turning away from me.

I walked forward and headed up the steps. I turned on my laptop and checked my email, not seeing a response I closed my laptop. Laying down on my bed I closed my eyes. A few hours later I opened my eyes seeing the room bathed in shadows I sat up and looked at the clock.

“10pm? I’ll write a bit and then go to bed.” I murmured softly.

I quickly got my pajamas and got dressed before sitting in front of my laptop, opening it I checked my email not seeing anything I opened the document and looked over what I had written. I had a few more things I wanted to write about but the only thing that came to mind was a rather sad memory, actually two of them. I sighed and leaned forward putting my hands on the keys.

'I could write pages about our children. But the memories at the forefront of my mind are of the friends we lost. Perhaps because I just visited your grave today. I remember the day clearly that we got the news about John Laurens. It had started out like any other day. You were finally getting back to yourself after the loss of our daughter, we both were. We were all settled in the sitting room you were reading to the children. I smiled gently at you as I stood from my spot, passing you Marie.

“I’m just going to get the mail; I’ll be right back. Perhaps you could convince these three to take a little rest?” I said softly. You laughed gently and nodded even as the children whined a bit, well all but Marie whined. I turned to the door and stepped outside collecting the mail from the box. I felt my heart sink as I saw one of the letters that had arrived.

I walked back inside slowly, not wanting to be the one to give you this letter. I paused at the entrance of the sitting room not seeing you there I backed up a step. “Leyanna?” You called softly from the top of the steps. I looked up at you, and knew that this would probably break you again. “There’s a…. letter here…. it’s for you.” I said my voice shaking. You walked down the steps and stopped in front of me. Lifting your hands, you rested them on either side of my head and used your thumbs to wipe away the tears I hadn’t realized I was crying.

“What’s the matter?” you asked me gently. My hands shook as I held the letter up. I must have been holding my fingers over the senders’ name, because you smiled and took it. “A letter from John! How thoughtful!” you exclaimed. I shook my head “Laffy, look again.” I called softly. You looked back at me, before lifting the letter to look at the sender again. I knew the moment you realized what that letter was because you froze up and your arm dropped back to your side. I walked to your side, placing a hand gently on your back.

There was no warning before you dropped to your knees, head bowed. You didn’t have to read the letter to know what it contained. You still held it though looking at it. I kneeled down beside you, and gently rubbed your back. “He’s gone.” You said and your voice sounded so weak, this was another hard hit for you. First our eldest daughter and now your best friend. You held the letter up to me; I took it carefully. “You want me to read it.” I said and it wasn’t a question. You nodded and I carefully opened the seal.

“On Tuesday the twenty-seventh, Lieutenant Colonel John Laurens was killed in a gunfight with British soldiers in South Carolina. These soldiers had not yet received word from Yorktown that the war was over. He is buried here until his family can send for his remains. As you may know Lieutenant Colonel John Laurens was engaged in recruiting three thousand slaves for the first all-black military regiment. He dreamed of freeing them, this dream dies with him, as the surviving members of his unit will be returned to their masters.” I read voice shaking, I watched your reaction. Your shoulders shook lightly as you tried to fight back the urge to cry or scream, I wasn’t entirely sure which.

You rose to your feet, silently and headed towards your office. I followed behind you and stood in the doorway. Letter carefully held in my hand. “Do you want a glass?” You asked and I saw the alcohol in your hand. I nodded. “I’ll have one with you.” I said softly. You nodded and passed me the glass you had already poured. We sat quietly in your office sipping our drinks. The letter sat in front of you and I saw your hand inch towards it every now and then. When the children woke up, I sat my glass on your desk and stood. Walking over to you I pressed a kiss to your head. “Write something, maybe a letter to Alexander or Mulligan. You need to vent your thoughts and those two will be needing the same. I love you, please don’t lock yourself away from us again.” I whispered softly into your shoulder and I had my arms wrapped around you.

You nodded and turned slightly to wrap your arms around me as well. “Don’t worry, I won’t. It just may be a little while before I come out. I think I’ll take your advice though and write to Alexander and Mulligan.” You said and I heard the crack in your voice. I nodded pressed another kiss to you and left the room. Later that evening you joined me on the couch after I had put the children to bed. You laid your head in my lap and I started to run my fingers through your hair. We didn’t talk at all that night. But I will never forget your cries at losing your friend. They were almost as bad as when we lost our eldest. Him being like your brother it made sense. I held you all night, long after you had fallen asleep. The next morning you were up with the children and trying to act like everything was alright, but I could see the truth. You were trying to pretend it was ok, when it wasn’t.’

I sat back and looked over what I had written my hands shaking and my vision blurred with tears. I still had two other memories to write before I went to bed and I knew they would emotionally destroy me. I took a deep breath and wiped my face before settling my hands on the keys.

‘I remember years later, in the yard. I laughed as you spun Marie around in the yard Georges and Anastasie playing with smiles playing across their faces. We were back in America for a visit. “Laffy! We should plan to head in for lunch in a bit.” I had called. You turned to me smiling as bright as the sun even as the kids whined beside us. You looked at them and then the gardens before turning back to me. “Why don’t we eat out here?” You had asked, causing the kids to cheer. I laughed and nodded rising to my feet. “Alright, I’ll go make lunch but you four best get the blanket and get washed up!” I called a smile playing on my lips. The children all ran towards the back door and you stopped by my side. “I love you.” You whispered to me. I smiled and turned pressing a kiss to your cheek. “I love you too my heart. Let us go prepare.” I said gently, you nodded and took my hand.

That was something I think you may have started doing unconsciously. Since we heard of Laurens' passing you had become a bit more touchy which I adored as I did with everything you did. I’m not sure if you did it because you realized we were still deeply imbedded in war and you wanted to make sure we all knew or not, but I embraced it. We walked inside and you laughed breaking away from me to help the children get ready. I laughed softly and headed to the kitchen. I was making a nice plate of sandwiches, you having already led the children back outside, when there was a knock at our door. I wiped my hands on a towel and walked to the door.

“Leyanna?” You called having poked your head in the back door. I smiled and waved. “The meal is ready I’m just getting the door before I bring it out.” I called and you smiled ducking back out of the door. I laughed and shook my head stopping at the front door I opened it, seeing Alexander stood there. “Alexander! How lovely to see you, I was just making lunch why don’t you come eat with us?” I had greeted before inviting him. I saw him take a shaky breath and took a chance to look him over. He looked horrible, hair a mess, and clothes barely put together in a passable outfit. “Kaleyanna, I don’t want to take up your time but I needed to talk to someone…. someone who would understand. And I know you will, but is Lafayette available?” He asked me and I heard the sadness in his voice as it cracked. I nodded and stepped aside letting him. “Of course. Come have a seat in the sitting room, Alexander. I’ll go get him, do you want a drink or anything?” I had asked him carefully leading him to the couch. He shook his head staying quiet and staring into the middle of nowhere. I swallowed thickly; I knew that look. Both of us had shared it when we lost Henriette.

I walked to the back door and opened it seeing you laughing with the children. “Laffy!” I called and my voice must have been either strained or sharp, I’m not sure. When you looked up your smile slipped from your face as you rose to your feet. “What’s wrong?” You had asked and I heard the fear that someone else we loved had been lost. I took a deep breath. “It’s Alexander.” I said softly, your head dropped and I reached out taking your hand. “No, he's here and something is wrong. He looks horrible, like both of us did when we lost…. He asked to speak with you. He’s in the sitting room. I’ll feed the children and save your food for when you’re done.” I said voice soft and gentle as I lead you inside. You nodded and pressed a kiss to my cheek as you walked past me, going to the sitting room. I turned and grabbed the sandwiches, just as I walked out the back door, I heard the first of what must have been many heart-wrenching sobs from the sitting room. I kept the children outside the rest of the day, to give you two some peace to talk. I made a quick dinner and the children and I ate outside under the setting sun. When it became time for them to go to bed is when you finally reappeared looking worse than you had in a while, but you painted on a smile and helped me get the children to bed. I offered you dinner, but you just shook your head and lead me into the hall near the sitting room, I noticed that Alexander was laid on the couch asleep. “I already sent word to Eliza that Alexander was staying here for tonight, but as you can imagine she didn’t make too much of a fuss.” You started, leading me further away and to your office.

“Laffy?” I asked you softly. You leaned against your desk and crossed your arms for a few minutes in silence before looking up at me. You took a deep breath and let it out slowly before you started speaking. “It’s Phillip.” You said, voice choked a bit. My hands flew to my mouth and I choked out a sob. “No!” I cried out. That boy was like a nephew or even a son to us. We had seen him grow up into a bright young man. You had stood up and walked over to me, wrapping me in your arms. You held me for a long time rocking us both gently, my hands wrapped in your jacket, I took a shuddering breath. “How?” I asked my voice shallow and shaky. You buried your head in my hair and took a breath. “A duel, against a George Eacker, he said things against Alexander, and you know how defensive Phillip was about his father.” You had said softly. I nodded and continued to cry softly. We didn’t separate that night at all, we walked up the steps and fell into bed, both of us crying at the loss of another family member.’

I sat back trying to hold in my sobs at the memory of that day, I closed my eyes, my entire body shaking. I remember that pain like it was yesterday. I took a few minutes to breath trying to calm my emotions. I took a breath and leaned forward.

'It was barely three years later; we had just gotten to a place where we could smile at memories of Phillip again. That day seemed like any other at the start, we spent the day with the children, you having a rare day off again. The entire day was spent laughing with the children, and spending time together. We had finished dinner and were settling down for the evening when I realized I hadn’t checked the mail that day. “Just let it go, we’ll get it tomorrow.” You had said with a smile and a soft laugh. I shook my head with a smile. “No, I’ll be quick we can go over it tomorrow.” I said and looking back I wish I had just listened to you and left it until the following day. I stopped on the porch and opened the box, pulling the letters from inside, a lot of them were from people in power who wanted your help with something for the war but one letter gave me pause. “To: Kaleyanna and Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette, From: Elizabeth Hamilton. “That’s oddly formal.” I murmured as I walked inside. You were just playing with the kids herding them up the steps to their beds. “Laffy, I'm going to open this letter, it’s from Eliza and it’s odd.” I called to you softly as I dropped the rest of the letters in your office. “Alright love, I’ll be down in a minute.” You called back from the top of the steps.

I sat down on the couch and opened the letter pulling the page from the envelope I scanned it quickly before pausing, my breath catching in my throat. I must have reread the letter a half dozen times before you made your way back down to me. “So how is Miss Eliza doing? Have her and Alexander had more issues?” You asked smiling as you sat beside me. I looked up at you, blinking before turning back to the letter. My eyes reread the words again, you reached over and laid a hand on mine. “Leyanna?” You asked concern in your voice as you watched me. I took a deep breath and finally looked up at you, locking eyes with you. “My love.” I started my voice shaking and you closed your eyes already standing up. “No, no I won’t hear about another family member we’ve lost!” You said and your voice was shaking. I stood up and walked to you, placing my hand on your arm.

“Alexander was fatally shot in a duel against Aaron Burr a few days ago.” I said voice shaking slightly. You shook your head, and moved from in front of me, I followed you, you barely made it to the entrance way before your legs collapsed from beneath you. I was by your side in a second, kneeling beside you and rubbing your back. “Gilbert, my love.” I said softly. You shook your head, slamming your hand into the floor. I wrapped my arms around you and held you.

“It’s not fair! He had so many plans! He could have made this world amazing, and for him to just be snuffed out like a candle flame at the end of the day isn’t right!” You exclaimed and I knew you were trying to keep your voice down for the children. “I know, I know. Shh I know, I know. But we and Eliza can carry on his plans and I know Mulligan will as well. It’s ok my love it’s ok.” I whispered voice shaky and weak even to my own ears. Alexander was like a brother to us both so losing him was a rough time for us both. I held you as tears slowly rolled down both of our faces, after a long while you slowly rose to your feel and held a hand to me. I took it and you gently pulled me to my feet. We made our way to your office, you poured us a glass of something strong and you leaned against your desk. “Raise a glass to freedom…” You whispered as you lifted your cup. I lifted mine as well and we both drank part of our drinks. We slowly sipped them for a long while and when we finished, I stood up and took your glass from you, setting both on the desk beside you.

“Come, let’s sleep.” I said softly taking your arm. You nodded and patted my arm, and we walked slowly up the steps. Falling Into bed we curled into each other. “Remind me to write to Mulligan in the morning.” You whispered voice scratchy. I nodded. “I will, I want to write to Eliza as well.” I returned softly, voice just as weak and scratchy. You nodded and we closed our eyes, slowly falling into a fitful sleep.’

I saved the document and turned my laptop off, standing up I walked to my bed collapsing on top of it and sobbing quietly into my pillow. The next few days followed in the same manner I made small entries into my memory diary and got word from the school regarding the moving and rooming arrangements. I looked over my roommate’s information, and with a sigh picked up my phone and sent a quick text.

“Hello, I’m your roommate. My name is Kaleyanna and I’m French. There is no worry about language barrier, I speak decent English. I prefer to go by Kaley. It’s lovely to meet you.” I sent quickly.

I sat my phone down and went back to boxing up some of my clothes and things I wanted to send ahead. I hummed softly to myself, my computer opened with music softly playing, it was a song I remembered from back when. I taped up the box that I was working on, just as my phone dinged.

“Hello, I’m Elizabeth. But I prefer to go by Eliza or Lizzy. I speak passable French so there shouldn’t be a problem there. It’s lovely to meet you as well.” I smiled and went back to packing.

“Are you bringing a TV, radio or fridge? Just so I know what we need.” I sent a text off with a few questions.

“I’m bringing a TV and a radio, but that’s it.” Was the message back a few minutes later.

“Alright, I’ll bring a fridge and a coffee maker.” I returned quickly.

I got a message in the positive and nodded. I sat the box to the side and looked around.

'Most of the rest I can just carry with me. I think I’m ready.’ I thought as I sat down at my computer.

I opened my document again and read over what I had already written. I smiled and shook my head at some of the things. Before I sat back and wondered if I really wanted to make the last entry into it.

'I leave tomorrow, I better finish it.’ I thought leaning back.

I leaned forward to start typing when mom stopped in my doorway.

“Oui, Maman?” I asked turning to her, tired of the constant fighting.

She had her arms crossed as she leaned against the doorway. I closed my eyes, flashing back to the past.

“The movers are here.” Mom said standing up straight.

I nodded, turning saving the document and closing my computer.

“Alright, I’ll start bringing my things downstairs.” I said standing up and starting to carry my boxes down.

I smiled to the movers and put the first box in, before showing them up to my room. Just as I entered, I saw mom jump up from my computer.

“It’s locked. You can’t access it. But we will be talking about this later.” I said annoyance clear in my voice.

The rest of the afternoon was spent getting my things put into the truck and the movers to leave. I walked back inside after signing the paperwork and looked at mom.

“What where you doing?” I asked voice firm.

Mom crossed her arms and rolled her eyes.

“it’s my right as your mother to know what you do every day on that darn computer! How dare you try and keep me out of things!” Mom exclaimed and I rolled my eyes.

“It’s my computer. You don’t have a right to it. And it’s none of your damn business what I do. Now if you excuse me, I have a few things I need to finish before I leave tomorrow.” I said arms crossed, I started up the stairs and I heard her follow me.

I sat down at my computer desk but didn’t open my laptop. I picked up my phone instead. She stood and watched me for a few minutes.

“Well.” She exclaimed after a while.

I looked up from my text I was working on letting Eliza know I’d be in the room tomorrow, and raised an eyebrow.

“Like I said I have things to do. Like texting my roommate. Getting my check bag and carry-on ready. Then I need to shower and get some rest. I’m probably not going to turn my computer back on until tomorrow. And even if I was going to, I’d just wait until you left. You aren’t getting my password and that’s the end of it.” I said voice firm with finality.

Mom huffed and stomped her foot.

“I’m your mother!” she yelled.

I rolled my eyes and glared at her.

“No, you’re my step mother. There’s a difference, and the only reason you stuck around is because you want dad’s money. Well you aren’t getting it; you can’t even legally sell this house like you want to do. Because it’s legally in my name. Now either leave me alone, or leave the house. I don’t care which but either way you stay away from me.” I said voice firm.

Mom growled and stormed away. I sighed and finished what I had to do. I grabbed my pajamas and got in the shower packing up my check bag and my carry-on except for my laptop, I’d pack that in the morning. I sat down at my computer after closing and locking my door. I had a towel sitting in my lap. I hesitated to open my laptop. I finally did and entered the password opening the document. I hovered my hands over the keys, my eyes already watering.

'I remember the worst day of my life. I know I could say that losing our child was the worst day. I could say losing any of our family was the worst day. The day you heard of George Washington’s passing and you sobbed openly will always haunt me. The day you were arrested for doing nothing but being a good solider, will always feel like a horrible nightmare. But none of those are the day I’m talking about.

I will never forget waking up that morning, I knew something was going to happen. We had tea and you seemed more tired than usual. The pneumonia you had suffered the year before had left you weaker than you liked to admit, and this May was particularly wet. You went to stand up from the couch and fell to your knees. I stood quickly and tried to help you up, but I couldn’t get you up. I ran for the doctor who helped you to our room and checked on you over the next week.

The doctor asked to speak to me outside of the room where you were and he didn’t look optimistic. “I would tell him anything you haven’t yet, and get your children here if you can.” He had said. I covered my mouth a sob leaving my mouth. I nodded and walked back into the room. I sat down at your bedside and took your hand in mine, letting my other hand run carefully through your hair. “You silly man, I told you to leave the plants alone outside during that thunderstorm but you insisted. And now look at you, all laid up in bed again.” I whispered my voice choked and a sob trying to break free.

You sent a small weak smile at me and lifted your hand to rub my face gently. “They were your favorites though.” You whispered, voice scratchy and weak. I shook my head, my eyes watering. “No, you silly man. You are my favorite.” I said voice soft. You gave me another smile and we sat quietly talking for a little bit. Then you fell silent. I kept running my fingers through your hair even as I was fighting back tears. You opened your eyes and looked at me. “Don’t cry. I'll always be here with you.” You had whispered and I chocked back a sob. I stood and went to the desk in our room and poured a small glass of alcohol you had stored in our room. I sat back beside you, helping you sit up briefly. “Here, let’s share a drink, alright?” I whispered softly, voice cracking. You nodded and took a small sip, I helped you lay down and finished the other part of the drink. I held your hand and continued to run my fingers through your hair.

It was late in the night when it happened. You had lifted your hand up and laid it on my cheek, I looked into your eyes and you smiled softly. “I love you, for always.” You whispered, voice cracking and weak. “I love you too, my heart.” I whispered unable to raise my voice any higher. You gave me another breathtaking smile, weak as it was, and your hand slipped from my cheek. I caught it and a sob broke free as I realized exactly what had happened. “R-raise a glass to freedom. You are free my love.” I sobbed laying my head down on the bed beside you. The next week was harder than any other I had faced.

You were buried in a privet ceremony, a military honor, King Louis-Philippe had called it. I called it what it was, a slap in the face of everything you had worked for. Georges sprinkled dirt from Bunker Hill over your grave. I remember writing the letter to Eliza, her being the last of us alive. She assured me, my love that your memory would be properly honored in America. She made sure it happened. President Jackson ordered both houses of Congress to be draped with black bunting for 30 days, all of the members wore mourning badges. The public was encouraged to do the same. You received the same Memorial Honors as George Washington. You would have thought them fawning all they did for you. Even John Quincy Adams gave a 3-hour eulogy, calling you “High on the list of pure and disinterested benefactors of mankind.” High praise. I sobbed when I got Eliza’s letter letting me know all that had been done for you. I remember I sent her a letter that was almost eligible because I was crying so hard as I was writing it. I thanked her for helping to properly honor your memory. I couldn’t handle the fact that France had treated you so badly in the end, but America had come through and honored you properly. I did what I could, and I know the children did as well to spread your story and beliefs my love.

I don’t really remember my end. I know the children were there, and I know from researching back now that they made sure Eliza knew of my passing. She honored my memory as well and I will forever be grateful for her. She made sure everyone’s memories and ideas were as fulfilled as she could.’

I choked back a sob and wiped my face with the towel. I saved the document and turned my computer off. Looking at the clock I sighed softly.

‘6 hours until I need to leave.’ I thought as I packed away my computer.

I quickly laid down and my dreams were filled with memories of you. I sat up quickly gasping for breath. I looked at the clock and stood to get dressed.

‘3 hours. Soon my love, soon.’ I thought. I pulled my pants on and brushed my hair.

I left the house an hour later and boarded the plane three hours later. I stared out the window for a little before pulling my computer from my bag there was one last thing, I wanted to add to my memory diary.

'I wanted to mention something, maybe I was crazy with grief, maybe it actually was you. The day after you passed, I woke up suddenly. I just had this feeling I needed to wake up. I looked to the foot of our bed and choked out a sob. I saw you there. You were stood looking like you did when we first met, you were dressed in your uniform, sword proudly at your side, hair loose and settled against your shoulders. You gave me a blinding smile and turned to the door, I stood quickly to follow you. And I watched you descend the stairs, from the kitchen came Laurens to meet you, you smiled and wrapped an arm around him. Happy to have your friend back, from the sitting room, Mulligan came and wrapped an arm around you. You looked between them, seemingly asking where your missing fourth friend was. From your office came three figures, I let out a sob. Alexander stood in front of you with a brilliant smile on his face and behind him, Phillip stood, holding Henriette. You turned to look back at me, leading the others to look too. I walked slowly down the stairs and you lifted your hand pressing it against my face, I couldn’t feel it but tears flowed down my face.

“Don’t go, please.” I begged you sobbing. You gave me a gentle smile and looked at the others. “We’ll all always be here. You just need to call out and I will come my love.” You said your voice strong. I watched you and Laurens lead the way out of the house you left last, sending me another smile. I was happy you were free of your ailments but I wished you would stay with me. You left and the door closed with a gentle gust of wind. I slowly sank into a chair in the entrance. I must have fallen asleep because I woke the next morning in the chair. Maybe you can tell me if that was real or not.’

I saved the document and turned my computer off. Closing it and putting it away. I closed my eyes and listened around me. I must have dozed off because I awoke hours later to the flight attendant telling me I needed to put my belt on. I nodded and buckled up. We landed and I looked around a small smile on my face. I walked over to baggage claim and grabbed my bags before making my way out of the airport and to the taxi I had arranged for.

“King’s…. Colombia University please.” I said quickly as I looked out the window.

The cabbie nodded and drove to the school we arrived at the University within an hour and I stepped from the car, grabbing my bags. I paid the cabbie and headed for the office to collect my keys. I looked around to see who else was around. It was mainly the international students who were already on campus.

“Can I help you?” A voice asked and I looked up, I had arrived in the office quicker than I had thought I would.

“Oui, I need my room key please.” I said quickly.

The woman at the desk nodded and took my information, giving me, a key and I turned, leaving the office. I located my room quickly and found my things already waiting inside. I smiled as I worked getting my side of the room set up. I put a hoodie on because New York was cold, but there was something I wanted to do. I walked from my room and made my way to the old church, moving towards the back where the graveyard was. I made my way carefully through the rows and paused seeing someone near the grave I had wanted to visit.

“Oh, I’m sorry to disturb you.” I whispered softly on the air.

The man jumped a bit, and turned to face me, his eyes catching mine. The hair a slightly different shade then I remembered but the eyes were the same.

“It’s alright, I was almost done.” He said voice soft.

I took another step forward, hand reaching out.

“Alexander?” I asked softly, my voice filled with a hope I didn’t want to believe.

#hamilton #oc #marquis de lafayette #alexander hamilton #eliza schuyler #eliza hamilton

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