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geeky-politics-46 · 1 year

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Sacrifices - Part 1

Pairing: Doctor Stephen Strange x Reader, Steve Rogers x Reader

Summary: Stephen gave up the time stone to save you & your son, but how can you possibly go on without him?

Warnings: Heavy angst & some smut (NSFW) - 18+ ONLY - language, reference to injuries, death, mental illness, complicated feelings about cheating, general sadness, vaginal sex, unprotected sex

This piece may go through some small edits over time as I work on part 2. Some slight canon divergence. Based on a request from @magnificentfurybluebird. Not necessarily my best work, but I'm happy with it.

GIF by wetiredofthis

When the spacecraft landed at the compound, thanks to Carol, you all scrambled to see who or what it was. You prayed to every God you knew that Stephen was somehow, someway, on board. That he had come back to you. Knowing that Tony and Peter had been with him when that creature, that thing took him.

Your heart shattered even further when you saw Tony near death stumble out. No one else followed except for Nebula. You knew deep down Stephen wouldn't be there. You already knew he was gone.

Nat and Steve were the ones who stayed outside with you as you sobbed and wailed. One hand on your pregnant belly, the other over your chest clutching at the cassum where your heart had once been. Nat rocking you back and forth, trying to calm you down and slow your breathing. Steve simply trying to keep you upright and holding your hair when your sobbing inevitably turned to dry heaving.

You don't remember how you got back inside. The next thing you remember was Tony having a little breakdown of his own. Understandably. You were swaddled in blankets staring blankly at the table. They had hooked both you and Tony up to IV drips. His anger didn't even phase you. Perhaps because it felt like an outlet for your own.

You vaguely remember Tony saying that Stephen gave up the time stone when Thanos threatened your life and the life of your unborn child. Stephen's son. You had only found out you were having a little boy a few days before Bruce crashed through the Sanctum's ceiling. It went from being the best week of your life to being the worst week of your life.

He said that Thanos threatened to find and torture you in front of him if Stephen didn't surrender the stone. That for the first time during the fight, he saw fear on Stephen's face. He knew Thanos would keep his word. So he did what he had to to save you and your son. Not knowing or not caring that Thanos' snap may as well have blipped you, too. Tony said that the last words Stephen said were, "There was no other way."

You were sure part of your soul turned to ash at the same time Stephen did. Even though you were safely ensconced in the Wakandan palace, you still felt it as if you had seen it with your own eyes. It was like someone had reached into your chest and pulled out your heart. You had stayed near catatonic on the trip back to regroup at the compound with all of the heroes who remained.

Since then, Nat had not let you out of her sight. Bruce and Steve were never far behind. Rhodey constantly brought you food and water, even though you refused to touch most of it. Pepper did what she could, but since Tony was in such bad shape, you couldn't blame her for focusing on him. Even Nebula and Rocket took turns sitting with you in those first few weeks.

You felt like a mental patient under constant observation for fear you would hurt yourself. Maybe that's what you were. Maybe that's why they didn't want to leave Tony and Thor alone for long either. Tony still had a long recovery ahead, and Thor already appeared to be spiraling into deep depression.

For a long time, you refused to speak to Wong directly. It hurt too much. The first words you spoke to him were to tell him that you couldn't go back to the Sanctum. He understood what you couldn't say out loud, so he let you keep your distance. Telling you that all you had to evet so was call and he would be there. Guarding over the Sanctum and the home you and Stephen had been building together. Promising to leave everything untouched unless you said otherwise.

For the next few months, the world around you felt like it was on fast forward. Perhaps it was just that you were moving in slow motion. You ate only when someone forced you to. Walked around the outside of the compound, but you had no interest in leaving the grounds. Preferring to spend most of your time curled up in bed, in the generic blank walled bedroom they gave you at the compound. You took care of yourself just enough to make sure your son would be born healthy, and he was.

A thick head of dark brown hair and bright blue eyes that matched Stephen's. You nearly gave him up for adoption because how could you care for and love this perfect little being when it hurt so badly to even just look at him? You couldn't though. You could never give up your one remaining tether to your husband. To Stephen. Instead, you sunk every ounce of energy you had into caring for him.

Your perfect little Vincent. The only silver lining you could find in a world without the man you loved. The reason you made yourself keep going. His sweet little smile was what kept you alive.

One by one, the remaining Avengers and Guardians started to leave. Rhodey had to help keep the US government and military functioning. Ayo literally had a whole country to run. Carol, Nebula, and Rocket were busy trying to keep other planets from falling apart. Pepper and Tony pretty much dropped off the grid during Tony's recovery. Val took over the responsibilities of New Asgard as Thor continued his own struggles, taking his solace in food and alcohol. Bruce left to try and find a way to peacefully coexist with the big green guy. Wong fell into the role of Sorcerer Supreme, putting the Kamar-Taj and the rest of the mystical arts power structure back into a working order.

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Eventually it was basically just Nat, Steve, you, and little Vincent. Nat was absolutely smitten with your little man. Stealing him away any chance she got, and encouraging you to focus on yourself. That it would be better for both you and Vincent, who she had taken to calling Vinny, if you found ways to take care of yourself too. Both mentally and physically.

To pacify her, you agreed. Starting small with things you always used to love. Taking nice long baths or showers. Indulging in body care and fragrances that didn't smell like a mix of baby powder and lavender. You started reading books again that didn't have pictures or a rhyme scheme to them. Quickly working through everything in the compound.

Soon your favorite thing to do was to have Steve take you into the city to visit your favorite little used bookstore, which was luckily still there. You went with Nat a couple times too, but going with Steve always felt better. Something about the white noise of his bike mixed with the wind whipping past you or the soothing sounds of 40's music in his car. Showing him you favorite books and ones that you thought he needed to read. He was content to just quietly wander through the shelves with you,

Nat was always trying to get you further out of your shell. Like you were her own little pet project. Trying to get you to go to lunch after or go shopping for clothes. She even pitched going lingerie shopping one day. You practically ran back to the compound on foot after that. You were nowhere near ready for that. To be or be seen as a sexual or sensual being again. To move on. Your heart still belonged to and longed for Stephen. Even after it had been years. You still wore your wedding rings for Christ sake.

At night, you still even dreamed of him. Almost every night, Stephen would find you. You didn't know where you were, but the landscape was barren and cold until Stephen would use his magic to cast an image of one of your favorite places. The park near the Sanctum or even the rooftop of the old building. The two of you reminiscing about the times you snuck up there to get away from everything, listening to the sounds of the city. A moment of fleeting happiness in those dreams only to wake up to the cold reality that he was gone and that you had to go on without him. You hated your own mind for torturing you with such vivid dreams.

That was another reason you liked being with Steve on your outings. He didn't treat you like just a mom, but he never pressured you to try to move on. He certainly hadn't either, despite what he told everyone else. You could see it in his eyes. You both simply chose to exist in that moment. No talk of the future or the past. Eventually, you two did start staying out together longer. Expanding your adventures to include things like walks in the park, museums, an occasional movie, and meals.

It was even with Steve that you decided it was time to pick up some of your stuff from the Sanctum. You didn't get much. Some of the things you had bought for Vincent before he was born, some of your clothes and toiletries, and a few photos of you and Stephen that you wanted Vincent to have. You wanted him to know his father, even if you weren't ready to talk about him much. Other than say how much Stephen would have adored him.

By the time you left, you were shaking like a leaf, even though you ran out of tears to cry a long time ago. After piling everything into the trunk of his car, Steve assumed you would want to go right home. Instead, you wanted to get drunk, telling him to go to the little Mexican restaurant you two frequented. Taking your normal table in the corner of the patio. It was a great spot for people watching.

Luckily, Steve talked you into stopping after two margaritas and a shot of tequila. Also making sure you ate plenty to absorb the alcohol. You were actually feeling better by the time you went to leave. Still telling Steve to take the long way back to the compound.

"Can I take you somewhere I really like to go? When I just want quiet or want to think?"

"Sure, Steve. Quiet sounds nice. I love Vincent so much, but he reminds me so much of Stephen. I don't know that I'm quite ready for that. I'll just shoot Nat a text saying she's in charge of bedtime."

You ended up parked out in the most beautiful field at the edge of an apple orchard. As soon as you got out of the car, the sweet scent of the ripening fruit enveloped you. Paired with the remaining heat from the sun sitting low on the horizon and the cool breeze slowly moving in, it felt perfect. It was breathtaking.

Your breath hitched a little when Steve's hands found his way to your hips as he helped you climb up on the hood of the sports car. Finding yourself extra self-concious when you turned to get comfy and inevitably ended up with your ass in his face. Noticing the blush you both wore when he went around to the other side and effortlessly pulled himself up next to you.

He quickly folded up his leather jacket to place under your head. Holding it in place until you were laid back and settled before following you and laying down beside you. His strong arm pressed against you, the warmth of his body radiating off of him. The scent from his jacket, the leather mixed with his cologne, filling your nostrils. Suddenly, you felt drunker on Steve than even the tequila had made you feel.

He noticed you shiver and the goosebumps forming on your arms. Without even thinking, he put one arm around you and pulled you so your head was resting on his shoulder. Moving his jacket so it draped over the two of you like a blanket. You fought the urge to bury your nose into his neck.

Had he always smelled so intoxicating?

Suddenly, you were feeling things you hadn't felt in literal years. Your body felt nearly electric. Even on those nights when you couldn't sleep and tried to sate an itch that you wanted to deny still existed, or when you dreamed of the passion filled nights you spent with Stephen, it didn't feel like this. It didn't feel like hunger. Like you were starving only to be plopped down in front of a big juicy Thanksgiving feast. It was too much and nowhere near enough.

You felt Steve's heart start to race as his enhanced sense of smell began to pick up what was surely the scent of your growing arousal. As the sun sank lower in the sky and the sound of crickets grew louder, the tension between you continued to grow thicker. In a moment of bravery, you let your hand come to rest on Steve's abdomen. He let his hand that was wrapped around you start drawing shapes on your hip.

You both knew you had reached the point of no return when his movements caused the shirt you were wearing to rise, and his fingers finally made contact with your bare skin. Your head tilted upward against his jaw as a needy moan feel from your lips as they pressed gently against his neck. Your teasing breath illiciting a hungry growl from the captain.

Time seemed to slow as he tilted his head down and gazed into your eyes. Seeming to seek confirmation that this wasn't in his head or that you weren't just drunk beyond all reason. The haze of lust in your eyes pushed him to place his lips softly over yours. It was comforting and sweet, and oh so different from the way Stephen used to kiss you.

That was the reason why you deepened the kiss. Letting your tongue lick across Steve's lips until he reflexively thrust his tongue into your mouth. For the first time since Stephen left, you weren't thinking about how his touch or his kiss used to feel. How much you missed everything about him. You were relishing in the unfamiliar. You stopped thinking and let yourself be taken.

Pulling Steve's large form on top of yours and spreading your legs so he could slot his hips between them. Arching your body up into his at the way his weight felt on top of you. It felt so good. You couldn't stop yourself from wrapping your legs around his legs and dragging your fingernails down his back until you got to his ass. Digging your fingers into his flesh and pulling his pelvis to grind against you.

The feel of his bulge grinding against you making you hungrier for him. You quickly reached up and moved to pull your shirt off. Finally getting your first good look at Steve's face after throwing your shirt to the side. Strands of his dark blonde hair falling forward into his now clouded blue eyes. His cheeks were flushed, and his lips swollen.

"God, you look so beautiful. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about this. I like being with you. Are you sure you want this? I don't want to pressure you."

It was sweet, and you were very happy that Steve cared about your feelings and your wants. You liked being with him, too. Right now, though, you didn't want to think. You just wanted to feel. You desperately wanted to feel something good. If that good feeling was having Captain America pound you stupid on the hood of his car, then so be it. You would deal with the consequences afterward.

You quickly began unbuttoning his shirt as you spoke. Looking into his pretty blue eyes only for a moment before focusing again in the expanse of his bare chest coming into view. All smooth skin and a few freckles against thick muscle.

"Just don't talk, Steve, just touch me, please. I just need you to touch me and kiss me. Okay? Right now, I just need you to take off your pants. Talk later."

He hesitated for a minute, then gave in. Nodding quickly and whispering, "Okay. Okay." Moving to unbutton and unzip his own jeans before moving over to yours as you pushed his shirt back off of his strong shoulders. Dragging your nails back down his newly bare chest before reaching back and bracing yourself on the cool metal of the car hood to help him lift your hips so he could shimmy your own pants down.

The heat of Steve's gaze ratcheting up even more now that you were down to just your bra and panties. You didn't feel self-conscious or focus on the flaws you always saw in the mirror. For the first time since Stephen, you felt beautiful in someone else's eyes. Steve was seeing you bor just as a mother. Not just as a friend, but as a woman.

Steve descended back on you with the same hunger you showed him. Quickly tearing apart the rest of your clothing and exposing your most intimate places. His eyes darkened and a deep groan came from his chest. Before either of you could speak you wrapped your arms around his waist and pulled him down to kiss you. Both of you letting yourself succumb to your desires.

Your hands slowly moved to his hips, catching both his jeans and his boxer briefs and pushing them down in one go. Finally feeling Steve completely bare against you. Skin on skin. The weight of his big thick cock sliding against your wet cunt making you needy.

You needed to feel him inside you. Needed to feel that delicious stretch. His fingers toying with your nipples already had you starting to tingle. It had been so long, and you didn't realize how much you missed being touched and kissed. How much you missed the feeling of being well fucked.

That's exactly what Steve Rogers made sure you were that night. Not stopping until he had made you cum at least 3 times before you went home to the compound. Of course you were so sensitive that he had you cumming with his first full thrust into you.

By the time the sun was starting to rise, you and Steve had been at it for hours before finally succumbing to a few hours of sleep in each other's arms. Your alarm, thankfully, making sure you still woke up before Vincent. Until you figured out whether this was a one-time thing you didn't want to get him involved. As far as he needed to know, Uncle Steve was still just Uncle Steve.

However, by the time the next evening rolled around, after showing Vincent all the photos and things you had picked up from the Sanctum, you hated yourself for what you had done. Even if he was gone, you still felt like you betrayed Stephen. So why did you want to do it again if you felt so terrible? Why was it all you could think of that night when you tried to sleep? Or what you found yourself daydreaming about it the shower?

You still loved Stephen with all of your heart and would give anything to have him back, but Steve had reawakened a part of you thought had died with Stephen. Up until that day, you had never even fantasized about anyone else. Just Stephen. It had been years since the blip. You had been pregnant when you lost Stephen. Now you had a dark-haired little toddler running around. He adored his Auntie Nat and Uncle Steve. He was happy even if he didn't have his real father.

You wanted him to have a fully rounded life, and now that he was almost 5, it wouldn't hurt for him to have a father figure. To see his mother happy and loved. There would never be another Stephen, but maybe you could be happy with Steve. Stephen would want you to be happy, right? Maybe you could be a little family unit together. Even though your whole heart could never belong to Steve, you could give him part of it. Maybe that was all you could ask for.

You found yourself confiding in Nat. Needing to share the guilt you felt and hear everything you were thinking said out loud. Of course, you would take into account whatever advice she had to offer, but it was more that you desperately needed to share the thoughts that were eating at you.

After spilling everything, you noticed her face was unchanged. Your brows furrowed as you saw the mischievous glint in her eyes and her biting at her bottom lip to keep from smiling. As you figured out exactly why she was holding back a grin, you buried your face in your hands.

"Ugh… Steve already told you we slept together, didn't he?"

A snort came from the redhead, well half redhead half blonde. Already confirming your suspicions.

"I caught him sneaking out of your bedroom the other day, and you know how terrible he is at lying. It wasn't exactly hard to connect the dots."

Her smile faded when she saw the tears forming in your eyes. She came over to where you were sitting and pulled you into a tight hug. Starting to rock you back and forth when she heard your soft cries.

"I know how much you still love Stephen, and so does Steve. He's not expecting you to just forget about him. He knows how important he was to you. Stephen knew how much you loved him, and he would want you to feel love even without him. For yourself just as much as for Vincent. He wouldn't have sacrificed himself if he didn't. We all lost people, and we are all still hurting, but you deserve good things in your life. You deserve to feel happy and even find love again. Whether or not that is with Steve is between the two of you. You can't keep punishing yourself for what happened. None of us can. Maybe we all just need to finally move on. "

You both sat in silence, holding each other close. Thanking the powers that be that even after losing the love of your life, you had found a best friend to help keep you sane. Both of you slowly sinking to the edge of sleep, drifting between the present world and the dreamworld where Stephen still visited you. Only for you to be snapped awake by the sound of knocking and a vaguely familiar voice.

You cracked one eye open and found the security camera for the front door to be the cause of the disturbance. What you saw made your heart jump into your throat. Sticking his face right up into the camera was a man you knew only from his picture, the one that was displayed on the same board as Stephen's after the snap. It was the face of Scott Lang, who had supposedly been blipped 5 years ago along with the others.

Without looking away from the screen you shook Nat awake. Sure that if you looked away from the screen he would disappear, either as a figment of your own imagination or a hallucination. You couldn't even form words to communicate properly until Nat realized what you were seeing.

"Oh my god! Is that… Scott?"

"Nat, is that live? That's not video, right? How is that real?"

She bolted up from the couch and over to the monitors. Double checking the feed to make sure it was, in fact, live and that everything checked out. Making sure she followed all safety protocols before opening the door.

"I have no idea, but go get Steve, and you may want to put some coffee on. If this is real, it's gonna be a long night."

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Vincent loved having Scott there, and Scott was great with him. Showing him all sorts of card tricks and close-up magic. He was almost more goofy, big brother than anything. Even as the rest of the group started to trickle back into the compound, brought back together by Scott's time heist plan, Scott was still the cool one. With the exception of Rocket, because even close-up magic can't beat talking raccoon.

You listened from the dining area at your son and his new friends gathered in the living room. All eyes on the toddler as he colored. Various coloring books and crayons scattered on the table being used by Scott, Rocket, Bruce, and Nebula. You and Steve were busy setting out plates and silverware while Nat and Clint had begun retrieving enough take out food to feed an army. Thor was asleep on the couch.

"Mommy says my daddy could do magic. He's not here to show me though, he disappeared with lots of other people. Maybe you and my uncle Wong could teach me how to do magic, and I can bring them all back? Then mommy won't be sad anymore."

You could see Scott glance at you over Vincent's shoulder. Trying not to draw attention to the fact that he knew you were listening. The tears quickly blurred your vision before you moved to wipe them away. Scott didn't want to overstep his boundaries, not having known you or Vincent very long, but he knew he needed to say something to comfort the boy. He continued before Scott could say anything.

"I know mommy has me and Auntie Nat and Uncle Steve. She says her and Uncle Steve are special friends now, and sometimes he stays with her at night, but I know she still misses Daddy. Sometimes at night I hear her crying and it makes me sad that she's sad. I want to help make her feel better. Plus, I wanna meet Daddy. He sounds really cool."

Well now that your son had outed you and Steve to all of the other Avengers in the room. You felt very much on display, like an exposed raw nerve. No one wanting to make eye contact with you except Steve and Nat. All feeling a little guilty at having left you knowing now that you still cried yourself to sleep most nights, at least the ones you weren't taking solace in Captain America's arms.

From the living room once more, you catch Scott trying to communicate silently with you. After some eyebrow wiggles and hand gestures, you figured out he wants to tell Vincent about the time heist plan. You assume not everything as Vincent is only 4, but just the fact that they have a plan to try. You figure what the hell, he's bound to notice all the commotion starting around the compoundanyways.

Maybe it would be best to tell him, especially since it had already been decided the two of you would go to the Sanctum while the heist and ensuing fight was happening. It would be the safest place physically for you to be. Even if mentally, you weren't so sure. If it worked and Stephen did come back, you would have a lot less to explain. If it didn't work though, would your son's heart be broken just like yours? You weren't sure you could handle that.

After a few more seconds of thinking, you give Scott a little nod. Giving him the go-ahead to share the plan with Vincent. Who is he gonna tell anyway?

"Can you keep a secret? It's an Avengers only secret. So if I tell you it means you're an official Avenger, okay? We have a plan to try and bring everyone back, but we need someone to make sure your mom stays safe while we do. So maybe we can put you in charge of protecting your mom for us? Nat says she's always getting into trouble, and we have to make sure to keep her safe for your dad. Plus, I wanna meet your dad too. He does sound cool. If he's anything like you, then he'll be really cool."

"I've met him. Not that cool. Right Banner? Now, what's this you were saying about your mom and uncle Steve?"

Tony Stark was always one to make an entrance, Rhodey not far behind him, and ultimately you were happy to have his sarcasm change the energy in the room back to a more playful one. Tony tilted his sunglasses down and gave your son a little 6 show him he was teasing. The same look he always gave Steve when he was giving him shit, which he had managed to do oh so quickly. Your son's giggle breaking the tense air around you as Tony clutched his chest and exaggeratedly gasped at the scandalous reveal.

You had to laugh at the way Steve rolled his eyes. You knew he wasn't one to kiss and tell, let alone when you were still another man's wife. Even if that other man had been blipped years ago by a mad titan. You weren't officially a thing, but you weren't not a thing either. Truthfully, you both had yet to figure out exactly what you were for each other.

You were surprised when you felt a hand on your shoulder and looked ovet to see Clint. A shell of who he had been. Deep black circles under his eyes, a mohawk, and a plethora of new tattoos. Having lost his wife and his kids you knew he had struggled to make it this far. He offered you a tight lipped half smile. A smile that said I know your pain, and in the case you knew that he really did know.

"I know it's not exactly the same, but speaking as someone who also lost a spouse you still seem to handling it much better than me. I know everyone lost people, but you really got a raw deal. You're doing a great job, mom."

You hadn't realized Nebula had left the living room until she chimed in as well. Her monotone voice doing nothing to hide her feelings as she spoke.

"He is right. You are a good mother. Even if his father is dead. He is happy and loved. That's all I ever wanted… to be loved."

You knew she meant it nicer than it sounded. She was just very blunt. You wanted to say something back to her. To tell her that she is loved. You wanted to hug her, but knew that probably wasn't the best thing. Instead settling for reaching out to put your hand on hers as she went to grab a plate. Her breath hitching and her body jumping lightly at even that friendly gesture.

You squeezed her hand in yours and gave her a little smile and a nod whispering a silent thank you. Letting go before she had the chance to return the nod, not wanting to pressure her into responding further. Your smile growing when a soft "You are welcome" fell from her lips. Excusing yourself so you could go get Vincent as well as wake up Thor, and she could start plating her food.

After everyone got their food and the plotting of how and where to find all the infinity stones began, you and Vincent began planning for your own adventure. Packing all that you would need for an extended stay at the Sanctum. Making sure you had everything important accounted for. The time heist and potential following battle could go any number of ways, you and Vincent had to be prepared for anything. No matter what happened.

So you packed your belongings and started the process of moving yourselves back to the place that for years had been your home. The Sanctum Sanctorum. Now, it just felt haunted and empty. Moving yourself and Vincent into new bedrooms and not daring to even open the door to the master bedroom you and Stephen once shared.

Vincent was enjoying helping build the time machine however he could. Even just carrying tools or supervising. The time passed quicker than you would have hoped, and before long, the big day was staring down at you. Wong had made sure you were all settled in by then.

You and Steve had spent what, if all went according to plan, would be your final night together. He promised you that they would succeed, whatever it took. They would set the world right. That they would do it for you and for Vincent.

It would be your job to throw the switches and start the time machine that would scatter the Avengers throughout time and across all corners of the universe. Then Wong would take you and Vincent to the Sanctum before leaving to gather the forces of the Kamar-Taj and the other Sanctums.

One by one all of them gave Vincent a high five, a fist bump, or a hug as they climbed up onto the platform. Nat was the last one up, other than Bruce who checked all the settings one last time.

You noticed an odd look in her eyes as she hugged you so tight you could hardly breathe. From the corner of your eye, you saw her slip two sealed envelopes into Vincent's Captain America backpack. Kneeling down at eye level and making him promise to keep you safe. Telling him how proud she was of him before kissing the top of his head and joining the others.

After Steve finished his signature Captain America speech, you told Vincent to go stand back on the other side of the room with Wong. To make sure if anything went wrong, he would be protected. Starting your countdown once he was at a safe distance.

"Three… two… one… God speed."

As soon as the shockwave had cleared and all of them had disappeared, you checked the machine's settings against the paper Bruce and Scott had given you. Making sure everything looked stable and the platform was ready for their return. Starting the countdown clock ticking. It should only be five minutes in your time before they all returned.

Wong had already opened the portal to the Sanctum and sent Vincent through as you looked around at the Avengers compound one more time. On some level you knew that it was the last time you would see it. You didn't know what was coming next, but you knew there was no turning back now.

And so you stepped through the gold glimmering portal into the grand foyer of the Sanctum Sanctorum. Once again your home. For better or for worse. Giving Wong a hug and a thank you before sending him off to ready the other sorcerers for battle.

For now, your job was just to take care of your son. The only job you had really cared about for the last five years. Taking his small hand in yours and leading him into the dining room. While the others searched for the stones that could bring your husband back, dinner was the top priority on your list. For Vincent, you had to keep up a semblance of normalcy, even if every fiber in your body felt like it wanted to go hide under the bed.

All you could do was wait and hope…

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arabaka · 8 months

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hello everynyan !!!!!!!!!!!!!! how are you !!!!!!!!!!! (jokes aside) i missed you all! i wanted to give an update on this blog and my wellbeing. but i also wanted to be transparent! i’ll include a TL;DR so if you want more info, please look under the cut!

LOVE YOU ALL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

original pinned post

TL;DR:

ill be going by my first name now! names jackie, pleasure to meet everybody!

i have bpd and that resulted in me having a terrible breakdown that ended up hurting my friends. i have since made amends and strengthened the bonds with SO many people.

there is someone i engaged with frequently on my blog i have since blocked. i ask that you be mindful of sending me mp100 fanfic/fanart. i won’t disclose this person’s identity.

i’m BACK! so expect to see me <3

as some of you may know, i suffer from BPD and am believed to be on the spectrum. BPD stands for borderline personality disorder. some quick notes on this disorder and what it entails:

Borderline personality disorder is a mental illness that severely impacts a person’s ability to manage their emotions. This loss of emotional control can increase impulsivity, affect how a person feels about themselves, and negatively impact their relationships with others.

People with borderline personality disorder may experience intense mood swings and feel uncertainty about how they see themselves. Their feelings for others can change quickly, and swing from extreme closeness to extreme dislike. These changing feelings can lead to unstable relationships and emotional pain.

People with borderline personality disorder also tend to view things in extremes, such as all good or all bad. Their interests and values can change quickly, and they may act impulsively or recklessly.

now people with bpd experience something called splitting and this is:

BPD splitting is a symptom of borderline personality disorder (BPD). It’s when a person sees everything as black or white, good or bad, or best or worst. Splitting is a defense mechanism people living with BPD use to deal with emotions (such as the fear of abandonment) that they cannot handle.

this past week, i had the worst episode ive had in a long time and some of you may have seen it going by the last few posts on my blog. i was incredibly volatile, distrusting, and upset but worst of all, i let that affect my relationships. i vented to some people, very similar to the sentiment i was posting on here, but i also said some pretty hurtful things that made these people feel like i discredited their love by saying i didn’t feel that way from anyone. but the thing with bpd, and a lot of other mental illnesses/disorders… it warps our perception and our view on reality.

all these people wanted to do, like many of you, is help and i pushed it all away preemptively due to past trauma was rejection and abandonment. but this hurt one of the most important people in my life and on top of that, i subtweeted that person on a venting insta for the purpose of hurting them. it’s a big regret of mine and i’ve vowed to NEVER let that happen again to ANYONE.

mental illness/disorders can explain your reactions and actions but should not excuse it.

i have since made amends with my best friend and everything is back to normal, if not better because i have a new appreciation for her and our unbreakable bond.

but i can’t say the same for someone else, someone that i engaged with pretty often and someone that was special to me.

but i learned that this person… was never a good friend.

they showed their true colors and showed that they were not as supportive as i thought. now, that’s not to absolve myself of any blame! because i did hurt them too! but instead of being open to communication and growth, they said i had hurt them several times without ever bringing this up to me. they expected me to listen to their venting but suddenly couldn’t when it came to me. that they didn't have the capacity to do so. yet, were upset that i didn't confide in them?

this person is out of my life now. i’ve blocked them on everything. i won’t disclose who this person is but i will be triggered by their art/writing for a long time. again, even though this person has disappointed me greatly and hurt me in turn (with other things i will not go into), i do not wish any hate on them. with that being said, please let me know who the creator is before you share any mob psycho fanart/fanfic with me and i’ll let you know if it’s okay or not.

fortunately though, this taught me a lesson. a lesson in appreciating my friends (AND ALL OF YOU!!!), trusting their word, AND watching what i do and say so i don’t hurt people.

moving on to my content, i am going to be BACK!!! back and posting!!! so expect my ass B)

we’re back to normal, we’re healthy and we’re striving for growth!!!

# .˚₊ ੈ 📣 ˎˊ˗ �� heads up! ꒱

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rianafying · 5 months

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it’s 4am i have the worst migraine of all time. i’ve had it for four days now. it was okay yesterday so i thought ut was over but it’s back again, and i have to go to work cause i’ve got a huge makeup gig today. i have to do hair and makeup for 10 models, and im just, exhausted emotionally. i was supposed to do some drawings and attach them to the file, and i told my client i would do it many days ago, but i didn’t do it. partly because of my headache and partly because ive been forgetful.

update: it’s 8am, i haven’t slept, took some painkillers, been getting spontaneous bursts of anxiety since yesterday afternoon. i always feel a little anxious before a job, but it’s only part of the reason. i feel terrible rn. i feel bloated and crusty, and my hair looks terrible. a huge part of how i feel is based on how i look, and until im happy w the way i look (hair styled, outfit pressed, makeup done, accessorised) i don’t feel okay. and i just hate the way i look and i hate everything rn. i’m having one of those moments where nothing is okay. it is entirely in my head because on other days everything could go wrong and i’d still feel okay. i hate being at the mercy of my emotions. i need more time to gather myself than i have. work is in two hours, at least it’s only a 10 minute walk from my place so if i forget something or whatever, i can come back and get it. but i feel really anxious. i can physically feel it. and i’ve misplaced everything, and suddenly my room is all messy again. and all i want to do is sleep and complain. i wish i didn’t feel so crusty 99% of the time. and i felt so lonely yesterday, not the kind of loneliness that makes me wanna talk to people. it’s the kind that just is there. i don’t wanna talk to anyone. i hate everyone. and i just wanna be by myself. but that also feels bad. i have a social life, and i love my friends but it’s different. i could even see people if i wanted to but i don’t want to. why do i feel this way. i don’t wanna be with people i don’t wanna be by myself either. at least i don’t feel suicidal lately. i just feel annoyed. frustrated. especially with the migraine i just wanna throw things and break things. i never have and i never will actually throw or break things. but that’s how i feel. just super. irritated. i need time i hate being in a time crunch. none of my thoughts make sense and im simultaneously over and under stimulated. how is it too hot and too cold at the same time??? it’s too hot in my blanket but too cold if i take it off. and i can physically feel my skin, like i can feel a separate layer on my body. and im itchy and im so annoyed. its too loud and too bright. and i hate that the sun is up again, and i hate the sound of my alarm. i hate it. and u hate every terrible thing that has happened to me or to anyone. and my heart breaks for those who are going through so so so much worse. and nothing is right. this is not how it’s supposed to be. and i need my therapist. i’m gonna have a mental breakdown. i am having a mental breakdown. i can’t even cry lately. i don’t even drink water. i suck. of course im gonna feel this way. i dug myself into this hole.

another update: it’s almost 8pm, finally got home from work. it was just the most draining day ever. i’m exhausted but also strangely anxious. extremely anxious. the shoot went well, i think?? i hope!

#personal #journal entry

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terminallybisexual · 1 year

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tw // suicide mention

i fucking hate the saying “happiness is a choice” especially when i heard it as a 12 year old struggling with depression for (what i believed to be) no reason

but now that i’m older i hate it for a completely different reason. i think i understand the message behind it now but it is so poorly worded and places so much blame on the person struggling with depression that when my 12 year old self heard it, it made me completely reject any ideas that emphasize how much your perspective and attitude affect your quality of life

like i would hear people talk about changing your attitude or whatever and be like “that’s fucking stupid. i have depression i can’t help the way i think.” but like. i could. but i didn’t understand that because the way it was always framed was “you are choosing to be depressed. just stop being depressed.”

every time i have a self deprecating thought now, i immediately counter it with the opposite even if i don’t believe it. (ex: “i hate myself. no, i love myself.”) and it can be incredibly exhausting to argue with yourself all the time, especially when these types of thoughts are so constant and persistent. it’s not easy. but this has improved my life so fucking much its not even funny. it’s gotten to the point where sometimes when i’m in situations that are embarrassing or otherwise would trigger self deprecating thoughts, my immediate reaction is self love.

i did not even understand the extent to which my self deprecating thoughts were diminishing my quality of life. i did not understand how much my own thoughts were negatively affecting my life because it was just so normal to me. i used to have suicidal thoughts more times than i could count on a daily basis and even though they weren’t “serious” (as in i was not going to immediately act on them like 99% of the time), countering these thoughts has brought me so much peace. i can go a full day without any suicidal thoughts now. hell, i’ve probably gone at least a few days in a row without suicidal thoughts. that idea was truly incomprehensible to me a year ago.

i genuinely did not believe it was possible for me to be this mentally healthy. like i still have a lot of fucking work to do but it’s insane how much my life has improved. i can’t even put it into fucking words and it might seem stupid to other people but i’ve had an extremely low self esteem for as long as i can remember. i didn’t even think it was possible for me to change my self deprecating thoughts because i just viewed them as objectively true.

like, throughout middle school and high school, i would have full blown mental breakdowns almost every single day. hysterically sobbing and telling myself that i can’t handle life and i should just die, just to take a deep breath 20 min to a few hours later and pull myself together again. recently i legitimately believed that i had a mood disorder because i had absolutely no emotional regulation skills and i was basically living with my worst bully 24/7.

and i mean it took me years to get to this point. i’ve been arguing with my negative thoughts for a long time now but i didn’t always do it in a healthy way (ex. telling myself that my feelings are irrational and invalid and that i’m crazy for having emotions bc thats what i was told my entire life, essentially gaslighting myself). but since i started therapy again i started countering my negative thoughts more consistently and in more productive/healthy ways. and there’s a lot of other things i did to improve my mental health too but i truly believe that changing my thought patterns is possibly the most important/impactful change ive made.

there’s a lot in my life to be stressed about at the moment and i truly believe that if i didn’t implement these tactics into my life i would legitimately be in an inpatient program right now because i just wouldn’t be able to handle everything going on. but now, at least for the majority of the time, i am at peace. i’m not necessarily happy, i am just okay. possibly for the first time ever. and i know sometimes i still have my moments where i talk about wanting to die but everything is just so much easier now. those moments are more fleeting and i’m more capable of reeling those thoughts in early and preventing myself from completely spiraling. it’s just so fucking insane to me how much better i’m doing and i don’t think anyone i know will understand the extent of it because i don’t think anyone truly understood how bad it was in the first place. but it’s okay, i don’t need anyone else to be proud of me. i am so fucking proud of myself.

#suicide tw #suicide ment #personal #vent #wow i wrote a lot lol oops #maybe del later #long post #mine

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acircusfullofdemons · 1 year

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Some Memes

ik ive been pretty inactive in terms of....everything regarding the madd community & for that I apologize. i'll explain why under the cut but the tldr is that my life is sort of a Mess rn :/ (I am Fine tho, dw lol)

I know I don't really have to explain myself for my inactivity as of late but what is this blog for if not to be my personal diary lol. I'm dropping out of college. It's 100% my choice, nothing to do with finances or anything like that. I was going to get my bachelor's in animation until I realized "oh, this sounds like a nightmare actually!".

Que the worst mental breakdown I've ever had in my life. I'm not joking, I cried for a week and couldn't even enjoy Halloween (its my favorite holiday so you know I was doing REALLY bad lol). Since then I've had frequent anxiety attacks over what I want to do with my life & finding a job. I have roughly 2 weeks of my semester left and I still have no idea, help lmao.

Like I said, I've been having a lot of anxiety over this and just dissociating nonstop, I could barely focus on keeping myself alive at some points. But due to all that, I haven't been able to focus on daydreaming properly, just a couple scenes/plots I do over and over, like watching reruns of a comfort show. Most of what I've done has been organizational stuff (my autistic ass loves sorting), PowerPoints explaining random shit, or memes like this!

To clarify I AM okay, I have a good support system and I don't plan on taking a break from here. I don't want anyone to worry too much about me, if I stop posting for a bit then it's because I'm trying to get my life together I prommy. I am feeling a lot better now (at least compared to when I first realized this) so hopefully I'll be able to take a day or two to myself and daydream to my hearts content lol.

#paraportal #madd memes #luka.txt #console: phantasmagoria #game: im not the one #society of the false moon #calypso raymond #elliott hart #jordan stark #jane bellerose #rowan dellacroy #toby reynolds #jane & rowan #calypso & rowan #elliott & toby #the Explanation is largely unnecessary ik i dont any one Shit #but I need 2 feel less bad abt SOMETHING & stop feeling like everything's My Fault. so.

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xx-neon · 11 months

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july 4th

hi again.

i was planning on writing more. the whole point of this was to get my feelings out everyday to cope but its been awhile.

again, if youre not me reading this. good luck.

so my ex broke up with me right? so much happened that i didnt know about. im tired of talking about it really since its been such a hot topic (my ex and i work together too and share a lot of the same friends) thats the cherry on top lol.

he has a new girlfriend. they started dating the day he left.

ouch.

another ouch?

im her manager at work

looking at it now. this is all one giant hilarious cluster fuck LOL.

im not going to go into details of the messy stuff since its a dead horse at this point.

do i seem happier?

i actually tried killing myself.

not because of him though. hes a loser with nothing going for him so that would be a waste. i did it because of all the emotions after what happened. i didnt have enough time to find somewhere to live. i couldnt bring my cat with me if i moved with my parents far away. i felt like the whole world was against me and i didnt do anything to deserve it. and it wasnt going to get better. i talked about being in a hole and trying to climb out in my last post. this hole extended 1000 ft in the ground and there was no sign of light. i had no sign of light in me. i didnt eat for a week. i drank everyday. i couldnt sleep. why me? what did i do wrong? is this my karma for being me?

so i really did it.

obviously it didnt work lol. im still here. i spent 6 days in the hospital. one in the ER and 5 in the BHU. i was diagnosed with an eating disorder, major depressive disorder and psychosis. i got help for my drinking too. whoo

this sounds cringy. but i feel reborn. i didnt mention in my last post but i have BPD (boarderline personality disorder). ive been diagnosed for about 10 years. most of those spent unmedicated and out of therapy so i was really rawdogging life LOL. if you know anything about BPD its probably the worst thing to deal with. thankfully im self aware so i havent ruined my life but fuck man everyone else ruins it for me.

im in extensive therapy. im on like what... 4 medications?? and i just feel like life is great. ewwww so cringe LOL. but seriously. it is. i dont think ive ever felt so normal in my life. my anxiety is gone. paranoia is gone. my head feels so light now im not bogged down. idk its just so nice. i smile at work now. i smile when i see my friends that i never knew i had. i just know how great life can be.

but then theres this.

schadenfreude

its a german word for basically feeling happy off of someone elses misery.

thats how i feel towards my ex

i know i know its fucked up. but what he did to me isnt?

i never said i was a good person LOL.

i love i just LOVE hearing about how miserable he looks and how happy i look. i revel in it. i cherish in it. i frolic in a field of flowers in it LOL.

okay. we get it. but seriously. i knew karma would come. thats why i learned to stay silent. yes i did lash out and have a mental breakdown wouldnt we all? but he lost friends over this. people think hes fucked up. that in itself makes me feel better. ya know schadenfreude. i do wish he could be a better person but i dont wish him the best. him feeling like this is good. he’ll learn from it. he’ll learn he cant always get away with being an asshole. karma will continue to come his way and she wont hold back.

ill try to write more now that im happy.

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sittin-on-the-rooftop · 3 years

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Would ya look at that! Iss a captain x reader fanfic!

Pairing: Captain X Reader

Genre: Angsty Fluff (Prepare to cry in a good way)

Fandom: Tankmen AN: ignore the misspells its 2am

TW: A lot of swearing. Yea.

Why tf am I doing this

Anyway just stargazing fluff w captain. I fucking hate my life. I didn’t wanna finish the end lol so suck my cliffhanger dick.

You always had a hard time sleeping since you joined the army. You always had so much to think about. Recent encounters with the enemy, philosophical paradoxes, and… the douche that was captain. You’d go to the gym to exercise your thoughts away, but you decided, fuck it. You went up to the roof of the building, gazing up at the sky. One of the only things that stayed the same throughout the chaos that is war. A clear night sky was quite rare! You looked up at the stars, trying to distract yourself. From everything. The pain of war, the meaning of life, and your past struggles with love. You had quite a few encounters with the latter emotion, and none served you well. But here you were again. You were just another run of the mill soldier. How could you even have a chance with goddamn CAPTAIN of all people. All the thoughts were just too much. So much shit was flooding your head at once, because all the thoughts you suppressed just came flooding back to you all at once. So like any normal person, you went as far away from the dorms as possible, and started fucking screaming. About everything. Venting to whatever god was up there, begging it to have mercy. As you took another little break to sob, you heard heavy footsteps up the metal stairs. Fuck. Who’d you piss off this time? You hid behind a duct opening and prayed to Christ that it was Steve. All the other soldiers would fuckin kill your ass, so would Ted, and well, the worst case scenario- you couldn’t even complete the thought as the aforementioned worst case scenario started talking. Whelp, I guess the duct wasn’t the best place to hide. There you were curled up in a ball, ready to get a right scolding for waking up captain himself. But what he said next was enough to reinduce the sorry state you were in before having to hide with bated breath. “Are you ok, kiddo?” Two years ago. The last time you were asked that question, just before you joined this fucking shithole of an army. And here you were. Crying like a baby, as captain tried desperately to check you for injuries. “I heard you screaming like a fucking sissy, you good man?” In a desperate attempt to get you to cheer up, he was just throwing insults in a panic. Steve once told him that ya probably shouldn’t insult an injured person, and told him to first ask this, if there was any distress. “Mental, or physical pain? Do I need to take you to the infirmary? Should I carry you?” Panic is an understatement. You were ofc having a mental breakdown on the floor screaming “I DONT EVEN KNOW ANYMORE!” He didn’t know what to do, so, he asked a simple question. One his mom asked him whenever he cried. “Do you want a hug?” As those words came out of his mouth, you tackled him in a hug, pushing both of you onto the ground. Still trying his best not to upset you more, he started to pat you on the head, trying to calm you down. Feeling completely and utterly useless and weak. Infront of your crush? What luck. You felt utter despair. He’d never like you in this state. At that moment you realized just how sus this was. Yikes. You. Were. Cuddling. With. CAPTAIN! As you continued to drift into despair, Captain, in the most awkward tone you have ever heard, said “uhhhh, y-ya like stargazin?” “Kinda, yea…” You try to look up at the stars, trying to gain control over all your thoughts. The moon. The stars. The Big Dipper. Orion’s Belt. Andromeda. You felt an invisible weight on your back lift gradually, as you mumble out a tired “Thank you so much, sir. For calming my stupid ass down.”

“Well, ya damn near woke everyone up so it was probably best that I calm you down.” “Yea. Sorry for the trouble sir.”

“Wanna talk about it? Or would you like to simply sit in silence.” He took your silence as an affirmation for the latter. Minutes later, you asked John, “how about you, ya like stargazing?-Ah shit crap sorry, shouldn’t be that informal, sir“ “You using me as a pillow is informal enough, but I guess I’ll let it slide since you literally just had a mental breakdown right infront of me. … about stargazing, I never really had time for it. Ya know, army business.” “Want me to show you some constellations?” As you pointed out the stars, all your worries melted away. Having laughs about the constellations he guessed wrong. Time passes fast when you have fun. You checked your watch. 3am. As you laid on his chest, you started feeling quite sleepy. As you fell asleep, you mumbled a near inaudible “I kinda… like you…” Little did you know, Captain was wide awake.

———————————————————

You woke up to someone shaking you violently. Gunshots can be heard in the distance. “HEY MAN, WAKE UP, WE’RE AT FUCKING WAR. FUCKING SURPRISE ATTACKS! THEY'VE SEIGED THE BASE, SOME GOT IN. HEY YOU WITH ME, KIDDO?” You vision starts blurring. You can feel Captain hoist you up onto his shoulder.

“INCASE I DIE, JUST KNOW THAT I FEEL THE SAME WAY. YOUR COURAGE AS A SOLDIER IS NEAR THE SAME SIZE AS MY MAGNUM DONG. IVE SEEN YOU OUT THERE, YA FEARLESS FUCKO! RUN OF THE MILL SOLDIER MY ASS. NOW LETS GO BEFORE WE GET FUCKING BLASTED!”

With each step he took the black spots in your vision spread, until…

#tankmen captain #tankman x reader

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doc-pickles · 3 years

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anywhere i want (just not home)

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace

And so the battleships will sink beneath the waves

You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same

For the love of my life, the inspiration behind TS week, the wind in my sails… Happy later birthday @odd-birds-and-booksellers I hope you enjoy this

Always, Your Computer Wife,

Nina

We gather here, we line up

Weepin' in a sunlit room, and

If I'm on fire, you'll be made of ashes too

Even on my worst day, did I deserve, babe

All the hell you gave me?

The pain in her cheek is still stinging as she struggles to open her eyes. There’s the faintest hint of sunlight filtering through the large window of her bedroom, a new day just beginning only hours after she’d finally been left alone long enough to find some peace.

The bed next to her is cold and empty, Paul having left for work while she was still crying and groaning in pain. He hadn’t spared her a second glance as he’d gotten dressed for the day, stepping over the puddle of blood that had collected on the floor where she’d laid for hours as he kicked her mercilessly, hurling harsh blows and leering insults as she’d tried to protect herself.

She pulls herself up and drags her barely conscious body to the shower, rinsing off the dried blood and sweat as she tends to the wounds she can see. She already knows she has at least one bruised rib and a sprained ankle, but she can’t do much about it now. For now all she can do is rinse off, lay in bed and hope that tonight doesn’t bring more of the same.

Jo bolts upright in bed, hand pressed to her chest as she attempts to slow her breathing down. The dream echoes in the back of her head, the painful memories replaying themselves in vivid technicolor right before her eyes.

She knows why they’re haunting her again, knows that he’s looking for her right now and that he won’t stop until he’s found her. Paul has made that much clear with his texts and letters, little signs to make it clear that they’re not done yet.

A hand closes over hers and she almost jumps before she remembers where she is. Jo squeezes Alex’s hand back, letting him pull her back down and into his embrace. As soon as his arms circle around her she can feel her body begin to calm down.

“It’s not even 2 AM, try and get some sleep, you need it,” Alex’s voice in her ears convinces her to close her eyes, even if sleep is far off the feeling of him so close helps to relax her. “I’ll be here when you wake up.”

'Cause I loved you, I swear I loved you

'Til my dying day

It’s later that same day when Jo receives another text, the ping stopping her during rounds and prompting her to make a flimsy excuse to Meredith as she rushes to the nearest bathroom.

Can’t wait to see you soon, both of you.

The text lingers in her mind as her breakfast reappears, tears flowing as she tries to drown out the overwhelming noise in her mind. Paul didn’t make empty threats, that’s one thing she knew for sure. The texts she was receiving were just the tip of the iceberg for whatever he had in store for her.

“Jo? You in here?”

She can barely respond to Alex in between crying and being sick, her body overwhelmed as she tries to keep herself calm. Jo can hear Alex saying something incomprehensible as she begins to hyperventilate, his voice growing further away as her breathing became more ragged.

The last thing Jo registers before everything goes black is Alex holding her against his chest, his fingers threading through her hair in an attempt to calm her as his heartbeat echoed unsteadily in her ears.

When she comes back around Jo’s not shocked to find herself laying in a hospital bed, an IV and monitoring wires hooked up to her pale skin. Before she has a chance to overthink anything though Alex is in front of her, his hands running down her cheeks and wiping away the tears she hadn’t realized had collected there.

“Why didn’t you tell me? I could’ve helped you,” Alex’s voice is soft as she meets his eyes, his gaze causing her to melt into another round of tears. “Oh Jo, it’s okay.”

“It’s not! He’s going to kill me, he already knows where I am and this time he’s going to make sure I don’t survive,” Jo chokes the words out, her fingers ghosting over her protruding stomach. “Alex, he's not going to leave me alone until both of us are dead. I can’t put our baby at risk like that.”

The thought almost makes her sick again, her daughter kicking against her hand as she draws in a deep breath. Of all the wild and unexpected things her and Alex had been through, their daughter was by far her favorite. Even with a few weeks left until she arrived Jo already felt a fierce instinct to protect the little girl growing in her womb.

“I’m not going to let him get anywhere near the two of you, I promise,” Alex brushes back a few strands of hair lingering on her forehead, pressing a kiss to the cool skin as he settles into the bed next to her. “You’re safe with me Jo, both of you are.”

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace

Jo wants to believe Alex, she really does. Since her breakdown over Paul’s threats he had been by her side whenever he could. His presence was comforting but it did little to calm the raging mental battle she was fighting inside her head.

Now though, as she stares down at her daughter sleeping peacefully in her arms, she knows that she made the right decision. She just hopes Alex agrees with her.

“She's perfect, you did so good,” Alex had repeated the words over and over since Isla had made her appearance almost six hours ago, but they still prompt a smile on Jo’s face. “I love you two so much.”

“I love you, we both do,” Jo leans up and captures his lips with her own, lingering a little longer than she normally would as Alex’s fingers trace her cheek delicately. “Would you do me a big favor? I left my robe at home and it’s freezing in here. Could you go home real quick and grab it?”

Alex nods, a grin on his face as he stands from the chair at her bedside and gathers his keys and wallet. Jo watches him intently, memorizing every movement and expression that makes him exactly the man she fell in love with. He leans down to press one more kiss to her forehead then Isla’s before promising to be back soon.

As the door to her hospital room shuts, Jo looks down at her daughter, tears splashing onto the newborn's cheeks as her mother watches her, “Your daddy loves you very much, don’t you ever forget that.”

And you're the hero flying around, saving face

“Alex, are you coming to work today? It’s been a week,” Meredith’s voice rings out from the doorway of the loft, but Alex can’t bring himself to answer her. She’d been by everyday since he’d come home, her voice prodding at him the only sound in the loft.

He’d gone home to get Jo’s robe like she’d asked, finally finding it tucked away at the very back of the closet instead of hanging in the bathroom like it usually was. On his way back to her room, he’d stopped in the hospital gift shop and grabbed the fluffiest pink and white teddy bear sitting in the window. He had told the cashier that his daughter had just been born and showed off the photo of Jo and Isla that was already his phone lock screen.

And then he’d gone upstairs, the missing robe and teddy bear tumbling from his hands as he found an empty bed and bassinet, Jo and Isla’s bags gone from the room that they’d occupied not even an hour before when he’d left. He’d asked every nurse and doctor on shift but no one had an answer for him. When he finally made it back to the room, he saw the note hastily scribbled across a spare piece of paper, his knees giving way as he read the words printed in Jo’s recognizable script.

I couldn’t let him find us, I’m so sorry. Please don’t worry, we’re safe.

Love you always.

J & I

He’d sat on the floor of the hospital room until Meredith had come to collect him at the bidding of the nurses on the floor. She’d given him a sympathetic look and held him as he cried, only letting his guard down for his closest friend.

The reality hadn’t truly sunk in until he came home later that night to an empty loft filled with baby gear and the scent of Jo lingering on every surface. He’d screamed then, throwing pillows and couch cushions and anything he could find in an attempt to get some of his emotions out in the open.

It hadn’t helped though, the sadness he’d felt morphing into feelings of anger and helplessness. Alex knew that Jo was acting out of desperation, doing what she truly thought was right, and he couldn’t be mad at her for that. No, his anger was directed at the man that had pushed her to that point, had scared her and haunted her every move so horribly that she’d fled Seattle with their newborn daughter in tow.

As he ignores Meredith for yet another day, Alex let his mind wander to Jo and Isla for a moment. He knows Jo would never run with their daughter if she didn’t have a plan to keep her safe, but just the knowledge that they were out there without him broke his heart.

And if I'm dead to you, why are you at the wake?

Cursing my name, wishing I stayed

Look at how my tears ricochet

His fingers press down the collar of the light blue button up once more before sliding the black suit jacket over it. He examines himself in the mirror of the hotel room one last time before turning to leave. He’d only been to Seattle once before for a medical conference, but this trip held a much more important air to it.

Brooke, his Brooke, was close. Closer than she’d ever been before and he couldn’t wait to see her again. He was delighted when he’d found her again, even more so when he found out that she was a doctor giving him the perfect opportunity to drop in on her. He couldn’t wait to see the look on her face when he saw her.

We gather stones, never knowing what they'll mean

Some to throw, some to make a diamond ring

When Alex finally makes it back to work he’s met with an abundance of pitying looks and unhelpful comments. He knows most of his coworkers have good intentions but he’s in the verge of screaming at the next person who interacts with him. All he wants to do is work and try and forget that his daughter and the love of his life aren’t waiting for him at home like they should be.

“Alex! I have someone I want you to meet,” Arizona’s bubbly voice almost makes Alex roll his eyes, the blonde not doing much to improve his demeanor since he was in no mood to meet anyone new. “This is Doctor Paul Stadler, he’s an expert on laparoscopic surgery techniques which is always helpful when we have tiny humans to save.”

Alex can feel his blood run cold as he turns towards Arizona and the man standing next to her. Whatever picture he had painted in his head fades as he stares at the man in front of him. Despite his bright grin Alex knows exactly what Paul is capable of, what he had done and threatened to do to Jo.

“While I’d love to meet your whole team Doctor Robbins, I’m not here on business today. I’m looking for Doctor Wilson actually.”

“Oh,” Arizona’s face falls, gaze turning to Alex as his jaw tightens. “Actually she’s-“

“She’s gone, she left,” Alex’s voice has an edge that makes even him flinch at how harsh and cold it is.

Paul eyes Alex for a moment, looking him over before speaking again, “That’s unfortunate. Would you happen to know where she is? I’d love to speak with her.”

“Well get in line then because I've been waiting for her to come home for the past three weeks,” Alex slams the iPad in his hands onto the counter of the nurses station, eyes ablaze as he stares Paul down. “You harassed her for months on end and scared her so much that she ran away with our daughter hours after giving birth.”

Paul attempts to conceal the smirk on his face but fails, causing Alex to step towards him with clenched fists. Arizona steps between the two men, fixing Alex with a hard stare.

“Back up Alex. I know that you’re upset about Jo but-“

“But nothing! He’s the reason my girlfriend and daughter are gone!”

“Okay why don’t you take the rest of the day off,” Arizona’s hands squeezing his shoulders finally breaks Alex’s gaze away from Paul whose face has broken into a full on shit eating grin. Arizona and Alex exchange a look and he can tell she’s holding back her anger now as well. “Alex, go home.”

How can I when they’re not there?

The question echoes in his mind the whole drive back to the loft, Alex’s heart constricting as he sat on the edge of his and Jo’s bed. The loft was still empty, sounds still echoing off the walls as he sat alone. His mind brings up the image of Jo and Isla sitting in their hospital room as he walked away, not knowing that was the last time he’d see them.

He leans forward, reaching into his dresser and rummages around his sock drawer for a minute before pulling out a velvet box. When Jo had told him she was pregnant he’d immediately gone out and bought the ring. Not because of Isla, but because starting a family with Jo was all the confirmation he needed that she was it for him. Now the box sat collecting dust in his drawer, it’s future uncertain as he wondered exactly where Jo was.

You know I didn't want to have to haunt you

But what a ghostly scene

“And this is your daddy and your Auntie Meredith. They love you so much,” despite knowing that the infant couldn’t understand what she said or even clearly see the photo she had pulled up on her phone, Jo made sure that Isla knew about all of the people they loved in Seattle. “Your daddy misses you so much, baby girl. I’m sorry I took you away from him, I know that makes me a crappy mom.”

“You’re not a crappy mom,” Jo looks from Isla to the man sitting next to her, his hand settling on her shoulder as he fixes her with a knowing look. “You did what you had to do.”

“Some days it doesn’t feel like that,” Jo sighs, her head falling to his shoulder as she fights back tears. “I took her from her dad! I took her away from the only family she’ll ever have, Link. And why? Because I’m scared?”

Link pulls back from Jo, meeting her eyes as he speaks, “You had every reason to run, you know that. I’ve seen what he’s capable of, I wouldn’t want to worry about that all the time if I were you. Especially with a newborn, I get it. So don’t feel too bad for yourself, I think you made the right choice.”

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace

'Cause when I'd fight, you used to tell me I was brave

“Jo?”

The lights in the loft are off but Jo’s car is parked out front. When he switches the lights on Alex sees Jo shoving clothes into a tote bag, tear stains tracking down her cheeks.

“Jo what are you doing?”

"I'm going to Stephanie’s for a few nights, just until I can figure things out.”

Jo’s voice is nervous and she's talking a mile a minute. She still hasn't looked up at Alex but he can see the bright red hives cropping up on her neck already.

"I'm sorry it was an accident but I’m going to

fix it. It's my fault, I'll fix it!”

"What are you talking about,” despite the fact that he's spoken up more than once Jo seems to be in a world of her own.

“Don't worry about it, you don't need more stress,” Jo’s hands are shaking as she closes the bag she's holding. "It's still early, it'll be an easy fix. I'm going to fix it, I have an appointment scheduled."

It clicks for Alex then just exactly what Jo is talking about. He sinks to his knees next to her tilting her chin up so she’ll finally look at him.

“Are you pregnant?”

"I'm sorry, I missed my birth control it was an accident," Jo’s tone is frantic now as more tears begin to fall. "I have an appointment, I'm going to fix it-“

"Jo slow down, I'm not mad so stop apologizing,” Alex wiped at the tears that had collected on Jo’s cheeks. "You don't want our baby?”

Jo blinked up at Alex as if nothing he was saying was making sense to her.

“What's actually the matter Jo? Why were you so scared to tell me?"

“I… I'm married."

“What?"

“I'm married to a guy who nearly beat me to death. And when I got pregnant I thought he'd

be happy and maybe he'd let up, instead he yelled and screamed and then he,” Jo pauses, eyes downcast as she looks down at her hands. “When he was done with me for the night I wasn't pregnant anymore.

“He wouldn't let me get birth control though so the next time I just solved the problem quietly. And when it happened a third time I ran. I ran and changed my name and never turned back,” Jo finally looks up and meets Alex’s gaze, eyes watery still as he watches her. “I had a miscarraige that time, probably because of how banged up I was. But it got me out of there. So when I started having the same symptoms again I freaked out.”

“Oh Jo…”

“Alex, I’m terrified of my past and of losing you and losing this baby… I’ve already lost far too much. I don’t want to lose any more.”

“You’re not going to lose me. I’m all in with you even if it means we never get married. You and this baby mean everything to me. That is if you want it.”

“Of course I do, I want this more than anything. I want kids with you, I really do but…”

“Okay then we’ll do it.”

“Really? You dont think I’m too damaged or crazy?”

“Yes Jo, I want all of that,” Alex pulled Jo into his lap, placing a hand over her stomach as he pressed a kiss to her forehead. “I love you and you’re just about the bravest person I’ve ever met.”

And if I'm dead to you, why are you at the wake?

Cursing my name, wishing I stayed

Look at how my tears ricochet

The room is spinning when she pries her eyes open, dried blood making the task difficult. She tries to sit up, but the pain radiating from her stomach keeps her down. She knows if she moves she’ll make it worse, but her body is in pain and she can’t lay in this position much longer.

As soon as she makes a move, the pain is back. She thinks it’s his foot that’s making contact with her ribs now, digging into her back as her body curls in on itself.

“Stop! Please!”

The cries are useless, they always are, but she hopes that maybe they’ll convince him to end her suffering sooner or throw the next punch a little softer.

“Please stop! Stop!”

Her shoulders are shaking as she blinks her eyes open again, a pair of blue eyes staring down at her in concern.

“It was just a nightmare, you’re okay and you’re safe,” Link’s words help to steady her heartbeat a little, her eyes moving to Isla who's peacefully sleeping in his arms. “I woke you up because I just turned the news on. Take a look.”

“Former Harvard University professor Paul Stadler was arrested early yesterday morning on charges of battery and assault against his girlfriend, who is still being treated for her injuries at Massachusetts General Hospital. Since his arrest, three more women have come forward with allegations against Stadler ranging from ongoing harassment to physical violence and sexual assault. Boston PD is asking any other victims to contact them at this time.”

Jo stares blankly at the television in front of her, eyes welling with tears as the news footage continues to roll. She wasn’t alone and she was so close to being free from Paul’s hold on her.

“You have to go to Boston, your testimony could put him away,” Link’s voice snaps her out of her reverie, eyes moving from the television to him. “Jo, he’s going to prison. You can finally be free.”

The hope that had ignited her heart just moments earlier was crushed as she played through the possibilities before her. What if she testified and Paul wasn’t put in prison? What if he continued to harass her? What if he hurt Isla? Or Alex?

“I can’t. I can’t face him again… There's too much on the line,” Jo looks away from Link, her tears finally falling. “I have too much to lose.”

“And you’ll be stuck right here if you don’t do anything!”

“At least I’ll be safe then.”

“And what about Alex? You’re okay never seeing him again? Never letting Isla see him?”

Jo stands suddenly, facing Link with an angry expression, “You don’t get to make the calls here Link! I appreciate everything you’ve done for us but I can’t risk everything when there’s not a guarantee that it’ll end up well.”

Jo storms out of the room then, complex emotions overwhelming her as she sinks into her bed. She wishes things were easier, were more black and white instead of the fuzzy grey she’d become so accustomed to. But they aren’t, they never would be with Paul and now she’d dragged Alex and Isla and even Link into the pools of grey she’d spent so long trying to avoid.

And I can go anywhere I want

Anywhere I want, just not home

Alex watched his phone ring for a moment, debating on picking up at all. He doesn’t recognize the number and he doesn’t know anyone from California. But he still clicks the green accept button, hoping whoever it was wasn’t going to waste his time.

“Hello?”

“Hi, I’m so glad you picked up.”

Alex freezes, stares at his phone for a moment, then brings it back up to his ear, “Jo? Is that you?”

“Yeah, it’s me,” there’s a long pause and Alex almost thinks she’s hung up before she begins to cry. “I’m so sorry Alex. I’m so sorry we left you. I didn’t know what else to do.”

“I know, I get why you left. I hate it but I understand,” a sigh leaves him as he rests his head against the wall next to him, tears forming in his eyes as well, “Are you okay?”

“Yes we’re both fine, I wouldn’t have left if I didn’t have somewhere safe to run to,” Jo sucks in a breath, as if her next words are taking everything out of her. “Paul is going to prison.”

“I know, I saw. Are you going to testify?”

“I don’t know. I want to but… There's too much at risk. I don’t want him to hurt you or Isla.”

Just the sound of his daughter's name tugs at Alex’s heart, the tears that had been welling in his eyes spilling onto his cheeks.

“If you don’t go you’re going to be living in fear for the rest of your life. But if you do, you can get closure. And you can save more people from getting hurt by Paul.”

She lets his words sink in for a moment before he hears her voice again, “I miss you so much.”

“I miss you too, you and Isla both,” Alex can hear shuffling in the background, a deep voice and then a small cry.

“I have to go, Alex.”

“Wait Jo-”

“I love you. We both do.”

“I love you too.”

The line goes dead then and Alex can’t help the sob that breaks from his chest. He misses Jo, misses Isla, misses the feeling of wholeness that came to him when he would climb into bed with Jo at the end of every day.

And you can aim for my heart, go for blood

But you would still miss me in your bones

Alex doesn't know what drives him to fly to Boston, but he feels a small sense of relief when he sees Paul Stadler in the defendant's seat. A sick feeling makes itself at home in the pit of his stomach as he watches half a dozen women testify to the horrors that Paul had put them through, detailing the ways he had tormented them. Jo had never gone into detail to him but if what she went through was even half as bad as what he was hearing then he understood why she had gone to such extremes to hide from Paul.

He watches as the final woman testifies and finds her seat again, the courtroom silent except for the prosecuting attorneys whispering among themselves. Finally, one of the lawyers stands and addresses the courtroom, “Your honor, we’d like to call our final witness. The prosecution calls Brooke Elizabeth Stadler, now Josephine Alice Wilson, to the stand.”

Alex feels the air leave his lungs as he watches Jo approach the bench. Her hair is shorter and a dirty blonde color but she’s still the same woman he knows so well. The dark blue dress she’s wearing sways lightly as she takes the stand, stating her name and swearing in before she begins to give her testimony. Jo explains how she and Paul met, how they married, and then she goes into the abuse she endured. Alex listens to the detailed accounts she gives, accompanied by the numerous hospital reports.

“And then one day I got sick of it and I ran. I knew Paul would find me though so I fled the state and changed my name. I started a new life and I have a beautiful daughter,” Jo finally meets Alex’s gaze and he gets the overwhelming urge to wrap her up in his arms and hold her close. “But Paul found me again and he was threatening me so as soon as my daughter was born I ran again. I left behind my new life, the only place I’ve ever felt safe because I knew he would find me again and I couldn’t risk him hurting my daughter.”

The air in the courtroom is thick as Jo’s words sink in. Alex knows he’s not the only one who’s been affected by her testimony and the words of everyone that went before her. The prosecutor thanks Jo, the defending attorney waiving their right to question her. As she steps down from the stand she meets Alex’s gaze for a moment before turning away and going back to her seat.

And I still talk to you (when I'm screaming at the sky)

And when you can't sleep at night (you hear my stolen lullabies)

“Jurors, have you come to a decision?”

“We have your honor,” there’s a tense silence in the courtroom as the decision is handed off to the judge. “We find the defendant Paul Stadler guilty on all charges.” A breath of relief leaves Alex as he turns to look at Jo. There’s tears streaming down her face and the slightest hint of a smile as she looks at him. Before he can get up and go to her though she's surrounded by the other women who had testified, all of them crying in relief.

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace

And so the battleships will sink beneath the waves

She sees him about fifty feet in front of her, his back to her as he stands almost perfectly still. She watches him for a moment, his slumped shoulders and overall defeated attitude and for a moment she feels guilty for what she’s put him through in the past three months. Before she can dwell on the feeling for too long Alex is turning towards her, looking over her with that same sad expression he’d been wearing in the courtroom.

There’s a moment where all Jo and Alex do is stare at each other before she finds herself rushing forward and launching herself into his embrace. His arms are holding her tightly, refusing to let go even as she begins to cry into his chest.

This moment, the feeling of being in Alex’s arms again, is all Jo has wanted since she’d left Seattle.

You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same

“Alex, I’m so-”

“Stop, you don't need to apologize to me,” Alex pulls back from Jo, one hand coming to cup her cheek. “I get it, I understand where you’re coming from. I know why you ran so don’t ever think of apologizing to me. I’m just glad that you’re safe.”

A fresh round of tears springs to Jo’s eyes as she looks up at Alex, “I don’t deserve you. I’ve put you through so much.” Alex blinks down at Jo, not believing what he’s hearing. Their relationship had never been one sided, they’d both supported each through tough situations and had come out stronger at the end. In his eyes this was nothing more than another speed bump.

“I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want you back Jo. I love you and all of this? None of it changes how I feel about you,” Alex leans down and presses a gentle kiss to Jo’s lips. “I love you and I’m glad you’re back in my arms.”

And you're cursing my name, wishing I stayed

“Hey! I just heard the verdict!”

Jo turns at the sound of Link’s voice, a wide smile spreading across her face as her best friend comes into view. It’s not so much the blonde man’s presence that makes her grin as it is the infant in his arms. Isla is wide eyed as she looks at Jo, the three month old blinking up at her mother with a sense of wonder.

“Hi baby girl, I have someone who’s very excited to see you,” Jo eagerly takes her daughter from Link before turning and looking at Alex. “Isla say hi to daddy, he missed you sooo much.”

The look on Alex’s face as he takes Isla from Jo’s arms is priceless, tears welling in his eyes as he lets out a watery laugh. The little girl snuggles comfortably into his arms, as if she had done it a hundred times before and Jo can’t help her own tears as they leak onto her cheeks.

“You three get together, I think this moment needs to be remembered.” Alex and Jo both heed Link’s instruction and wipe their tears away to boast wide grins. The photo of the three of them squeezed together after a grueling ordeal graces their family mantle for years to come. Even when there are dozens of other family photos, pictures from Alex and Jo’s wedding, and the birth of their second daughter, the photo of Jo, Alex, and Isla standing in front of the courthouse in Boston remains the centerpiece of their living room as a reminder of the sacrifices they all made to keep their family together.

Look at how my tears ricochet

#jolex #alex karev #jo wilson #jo karev #greys anatomy #jo x alex #jolex fanfic #greys anatomy fanfic #tsjolexweek21 #nina writes #jolex fanfiction

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nico-idc · 3 years

Text

random vent because i'm numb rn and feel like it

This is a vent post, ill probably talk about su!cide, self h*rm, eating disorders and depression. I’ll also cuss a lot, and things will not be censored. Also, this may seem insensitive to people experiencing any of this, sorry about that. Dont read this if youre triggered by that.

Also, this is my experience with mental health. Everyone deals with it differently.

So, If anyone doesnt know, I have depression and anxiety. And right now, I’m feeling numb as it’s often described by people with depression. But, numb isn’t a very good description. I can still feel. I’ll still smile if you tell me a joke, or if something funny is on a video. I’ll still cry if there’s something super sad. Emotion is just watered down. I feel it, but not as much as I should. Me and my boyfriend were talking, and i couldnt tell him I loved him. It’s not becuase I dont love him, but I just cant feel much of anything, so I dont want to tell him I loved him. Becuase If i did that, I felt as though I was lying. The funniest thing is, I randomly started crying. Still felt nothing, but hey, I had tears streaming down my face. Who fucking knows why.

I havent been doing to great for a while now, but this is the worst i’ve ever gotten. Ive never felt numb before. I mean, I’ve felt myself starting to go through the motions, but i’ve never gone completely numb before. And before this i’ve had a few mental breakdowns. Hell, I’ve sat in a corner twice in the past month or so doing nothing but sobbing and begging myself not to move so I dont grab something sharp and cut myself. (I did not relapse, don’t worry). and recently I completely broke down over simply eating a cereal bar, got through it, ate it. I’m good now.

Figures. That does seem to be my experience. Oh no, big bad issue one time, then magically I just talk myself out of my bullshit, and im fixed. Ha ha, yet I act like I have all these issues. I mean, I didnt even attempt to starve myself, just thought “oh, friends and family wont let me” and didnt. Had a breakdown about a year later, been fine since. Cut for a few months, went to therapy for a few months, stopped cutting. had a few breakdowns about a year or two later, then was fine. was suicidal for a while, went to therapy for a bit, was happy for months. Had breakdowns every now and then, fine now.

ha ha, first time I say alot of this is online. Figures. I’ve done that a lot too. My boyfriend has found out a bit about my depression through this site. Becuase I cant talk to my boyfriend about my shit, but hey random people on the internet! hear about my problems.

So on another note, I recently found a song that describes part of depression pretty well. It’s called “i’m not dead” by boyinaband. it’s linked below, I’ll copy paste the lyrics, and explain how I relate, and what the lyrics mean to me, becuase why not? (lyrics will be in bold)

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youtube

I'm not dead

I'm not fixed, but I'm not giving up yet

Basically, this means that im still here, im still depressed, but I’m still trying to fight depression.

I'm sick of saying that I still don't have anything done

I hate telling friends I'm trying something just to give it up

I never commit to anything, I just say I’ll do something, then decide I dont want to.

I'm still unsure of my emotional state

I'm still incapable of focusing lately

I don't feel like creating

I'm tired of asking Google how to find motivation

I’ve been on break from writing for months now. tried to get back to it, lost concentration. I think this is self explanatory.

I don't think I've ever made

Something that's as good as I'm capable of

Ha, I dont put in enough effort and commitment to make something as good as possible.

I hate not having a reason to look my best

I only ever take care of myself with the intent to show the internet

I mean, I dont try to show the internet, but I only take care of myself when other people will see me.

If what made me successful was an imposed sense of stress then

I am so so glad that I hated myself

The only thing that makes me do things is extreme stress.

I didn't luck into this position

I struggle with decisions

I mean, im not in any high position, but I do struggle with decisions.

I wouldn't be my own friend

I'm too inconsistent

I’m inconsistent as hell. I’m in like 10 group chats, don't talk in any of them for months, then just show up like “hi, havent talked to you all in ages, but hi”.

Without immense pressure nothing ever gets finished

If these words make it to your ears it'll be a fucking miracle.

Yep. I went on whole rant about this on wattpad. Without pressure to do something, I don’t do it.

I'm fortunate to know more good people than most do

I wish I had more friends I could be physically close to

I dont personally have a lot of friends that dont live in my city, so the last line isnt an issue, but I do know a lot of good people”

I'm pretty good at like 20 different skill sets

At the expense of never being great at any one of them

I’m good at quite a few things. Drawing, math, even writing. But im not great at it. I’m average.

I wish this beat hit harder

I wish more syllables rhymed

I know 99 percent of people really don't mind

I dont personally relate to this, seeing as I dont make music.

I think collaborating forced me to finish things

'Cause I was terrified of wasting famous people's time

Oh yeah. Group projects would not get done if i wasnt scared of wasting my partner’s time.

I wish I could focus on what I define priority

I wish I was as grateful as I want to be

Dont really relate to these things

I wish I knew more people who were mentally stable

But if I did,

I wouldn't let them waste their time on me while I'm disabled

Oh yeah. Id love to have a friend who isnt depressed, but I wouldnt let them see that im fucked up becuase i dont wanna drag them down.

I feel alone

I know I'm not

I have a lot of friends, but I still fell alone in this world

I used to talk to lots of people.

Lately I've stopped

They didn't deserve it,

I've been a terrible friend.

But I couldn't bear to let myself become boring to them

I ignore group chats all the time. no reason. Probably shouldnt.

I don't let myself get my hopes up.

I love people who do.

Something good happens? what could go wrong? that is my thought precess.

I never know if what I say I feel is the truth

I have no damn Idea what I think, so its so hard to know what the truth in my head is.

I wish I didn't instinctively try to be less specific

So more people could relate, when they read along with the lyrics.

Not lyrics, but if i write/explain something, I immediately generalize things so its relateable.

I can be happy in the moment

I am not when I reflect

I smile watching youtube, but then I look back and think about how I wasted time.

I distract myself with gaming, waiting to get better

I hate it

Youtube will cure depression right? /s

I wanna do the most good, and prevent the most hurt

But I've gotta put on my own oxygen mask first

This is just an important phrase I try to remember when I’m down. for people who dont do well with metaphors, he’s saying that if you want to help people, you need to help yourself first.

I can't predict what I'll do.

I can never be sure

I am terrified of making promises any more

I can't face my work,

I feel sick from the word

I genuinely believe I'm capable of changing the world

Don’t relate much here, except for the more positive, upbeat tone the song takes on, and i feel that this part, the part above and everything below is dave fighting his depression.

I still think I can get better

I’m holding onto hope.

I still think I can create and get pleasure from it

I hope so, I want my art and writing to improve.

I'll keep aiming to make my emotion and my logic agree

The eternal stuggle. I always try to get the two to line up, it rarely works. I try to use logic more often though.

And become the best version of me

Always trying to improve myself.

I don't want to stop!

There’s alot this could mean. I dont want to stop creating. I dont want to stop fighting. I dont want to stop getting better. I dont want to stop living. I relate to all these things.

I’ll expand on this more later, it’s too late now for me to continue this

#cussing tw #swearing tw #tw suicide mention #tw self harm #tw eating disorder #vent post

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fujoshiwarrior · 4 years

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an explanation for my sudden disappearance

i actually really hate going into the details of my misery so ill try to keep it brief, in july i had a suicidal mental breakdown from accumulated stresses from several things going on, mostly having to do with my own relationships that never really got resolved frankly, but my feelings simmered down (but never really went away) after a period of time, and then got triggered again by learning about some hugely disappointing news to put it mildly and was starting to get overwhelmed so i decided i would get off of twitter and retreat to tumblr since its quieter

doing so didnt help at all and i steadily got worse until i had another mental breakdown where i came to the conclusion that somebody i had recently followed and had hoped to become mutuals with was a cryptofascist which sent me into a neurotic frenzy and i wound up yelling at them in their ask box which i regret doing (later i thought about it some more and decided that this person more than likely isnt a crypto, and sent them an apology though im frankly still wary of them). this whole affair particularly got to me because i try to be a reasonable person and i dont usually just jump to conclusions out of the blue because i dont like just assuming the worst out of people and i think its unreasonable, but trusting people’s intentions and character has become increasingly harder for me as of late if they arent someone im already close to. i decided to stop using my socials for at least two weeks to a month since sticking around is just going to make me feel worse and more neurotic

there probably isnt even a point in posting all of this since the people who this would concern the most already know whats going on, basically to sum up the last month was one of the worst ive had in years as asinine as that might sound. this is also a queued post

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fiction-in-my-blood · 3 years

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Switching Sides: Part 13 (HLITF)

if anyone possibly wants to get on a tag list I’d be happy to make one

👉 @theshove 👈

If you wanna catch up, Part 12 is right here! Happy reading :)

Premise: Growing up in a life of crime in a Japanese mafia, Atsuko Motomori has seen enough injustice to last her a lifetime. To try and give back to the universe her family has taken so much from, she dreams of being a detective from a young age. Her twin, sharing her disgust for her father and many uncles, just wants an ordinary life away from the crime, paing and suffering. Instead, she wants to be in the spotlight with the soft notes she makes with her cello. In their escape of 2015, on their coming of age birthday, they must split ways, never to be together ever again. If one was found, they didn’t want the other dragged down with them. Atsuko, having changed her name and appearance as best she can without a scalpel, sets off to start her life of car chases and arrests.

Four years in a seemingly dead-end police station in the middle of nowhere, being passed over time after time for promotion, Atsuko finally gets a shot at her dream, having been sent to an academy for the best candidates in the country by her boss who had always kept an eye out for her. After discovering her boss may have made her bite off more than she could chew, Atsuko must become the slave of a dominating instructor!? Who so just happens to be the captain of the most famous police unit in Japan? Not to mention a total knockout! Will Atsuko finally achieve her dream? Or will her new instructor put her through the wringer?

Warnings: Language, Reference to sexual activity, Forceful nature, Abuse, Kidnapping, Torture.

~~~~~~

A week and a half had passed since I awoke in the hospital. My recovery was slow, painstakingly so, and I found my thoughts trailing back to every painful memory I had. But, no matter how scared and depressed I got, Kaga would always somehow show up, explaining he had more questions for me, and I would be able to slowly explain to him the same story I had been repeating for days at that point. It was almost comforting and with the silent stare he showed me every time I was able to complete the tale, I felt myself connecting with reality a little bit more. It showed me, reporting to him, that I had lived through it.

~~~~~~

"He's being sentenced today," Juna announced as she sat on the couch in my room, eating some noodles she had bought on the way over. We both stared out the window, the sky raining down hard pellets on the city below. It was a soothing sound to fill the silence that followed her announcement.

"What... What if he doesn't get imprisoned?" I couldn't help my imagination get the better of me. What if he was set free when all the evidence magically disappeared? What if the defence was able to create enough reasonable doubt for the jury to deem him innocent? What if he didn't get a long enough sentence?

I had filmed a video of my witness statement for the courts several days ago, and that was traumatic enough. If I had to do it again in an appeal the defence made up to weaken the case, I wouldn't be able to go up in front of the world and tell my story. I couldn't share with them all my years of weakness as I allowed myself to be abused by the man who was meant to protect me.

"He's going to be put away, Katsu. Don't even put that into the universe." A displeased expression flew over Juna's face as she turned to me, cringing even at how I could think of that happening. I knew it was irrational. The case was solid. There was no way for him to snake out of this one. But, still... I couldn't help but worry.

"Oh!" Juna suddenly gasped, placing a hand on her bursting belly. She was a matter months away from the due date, so the gasp in surprised caused fear of a miscarriage to circulate my brain. I called out, questioning her what was wrong as I lifted the sheets off my legs. She laughed, jumping up and pushing me back on the bed before I could even rest my covered feet on the cold floor. I was only allowed one assisted lap around the hospital floor a day, and I had already used that token up.

"It's fine. I'm fine. Here." She smiled, taking my hand and placing it where her's had previously been. There, I felt a pressure poking from her belly and recoiled in uneasy disgust. She laughed at my childish reaction to her baby kicking and went to sit down again.

Biting the tip of my thumb, the reality of her birthing a child of her own hit me again. At least, for this one, they might not have to worry as much as we did growing up. They would still be hidden from the world, hidden from what remained of my father's mob, but maybe they would have some freedom to be happy and childish for longer than we did.

"That smells really good." I sighed, trying to distract myself from those lingering thoughts, referring to her takeout food. It felt like years since I had swallowed something solid. My stomach felt empty most of the time, but thanks to the IVs, I never felt truly hungry. Just a little uncomfortable.

Juna laughed at me, explaining that she knew I wasn't really allowed solids yet. "I had pudding yesterday! Come on, just a noodle." I pointed one finger up to show how little I needed. My jaw almost felt weak; not using it for so long. She laughed again, picking up a strand between two fingers and dropping it into her mouth teasingly.

The more we talked and she teased me, the more relaxed I became. It was only when she left did I ever let my thoughts return. Let them consume me the way they did. As she told me what romantic thing Kanto had done this morning, a knock came to my door. We both turned and my eyes grew at who stood there.

For a moment, I saw the man that fed me when I was in captivity. He smiled, holding a bag of candies in one hand, showing it to me like it was a prize. I yelled, screaming as I jumped out of my bed and pushed myself to the back corner.

"No! Go away!" I cried out, him watching my reaction made his expression fall.

"Katsu! Katsumi, calm down! It's just Noburu." Juna ran to me from the other side of the bed and held my shoulders to try and stop my kicking. Tears streamed down my face as I begged for the man to leave. I didn't want the kindness he showed me, I was so sure it was what made me feel the true extent of the pain I felt.

Soon enough, nurses came rushing in, pushing passed the man that stayed in the doorway, face blank with shock. When they couldn't calm me down, I felt a sharp pain in my shoulder and my consciousness quickly faded.

~~~~~~

"This is the worst day she's had so far." Katsumi's doctor told the man and woman that stayed in her room as she slept in the bed. After her breakdown, the surgeon was called to help explain why she had reacted so vividly and check up on her condition. Luckily, she hadn't ripped a stitch from her surgery.

"But she knew Noburu before it happened. Why would she think he was one of her captors? She hasn't seen him in weeks!" Juna fretted, sympathetic worry spreading across her face as the bartender looked at the sleeping beauty guiltily.

"I don't know, but you can't come again. Not until she's healed. She still has weeks of rehab ahead of her." The doctor turned to the young man and he nodded solemnly.

"Surely she'd learn to remember what Noburu really looks like?" Feeling sorry for the man she knew loved her sister, Juna pleaded his case.

"It's too risky when she's still in this vulnerable stage. When she can fall asleep unaided and have a peaceful night, then you can try. I'm sorry, but you need to leave." Doctor shaking his head, Noburu left, leaving the treats he knew Katsumi would have loved on the table at the end of her bed.

~~~~~~

"What's this?" Instructor Kaga asked as I laid in my bed, staring intensely out the window. When I was sleeping, I had another dream about my captors, but this one seemed so surreal, it had really shaken me up. I hadn't talked to any of the nurses and my mood, not to mention my mental stability, was completely at rock bottom.

"Juna left it for me. You can have it, I'm not allowed to eat." I groaned, shuffling onto my back and sitting up to see Kaga already sifting through it. From what I suspected, he had come to tell me the result of my father's hearing, but all he had done so far was steal my-get-well-soon presents.

Sitting in silence, I bit the tip of my thumb to distract the nerves in my stomach. Kaga seemed very content with chewing on the soft sugary treat gifted to me.

"Will you tell me already?" I called out, throwing my fists into my mattress in irritation. Kaga looked at me with a raised brow, his demeaningly concerned look replaced on his face. "My father's trial. You came to tell me what happened, right?" I asked again, needing to know. The anticipation was too much.

"I don't know yet," Kaga grumbled and returned to the squishy cake in between his fingers. I frowned, crossing my arms and turning to look out the window again. It was still raining, even though a day had passed since I was last awake.

The silence was almost too much to bear, so, with a desperate need to cover my thoughts, I grabbed the remote controller on the table beside my bed and pointed it to the radio on the counter across the room. Classical music with a leading group of strings burst from it and I closed my eyes as I tried to drown out my thoughts and every sensory memory I had of weeks prior.

Suddenly, the volume decreased significantly and my gaze shot open to see Kaga standing beside it.

"Are you 90?" He frowned, throwing the pink packaging of the cake in the trash can by the door as he returned to the couch.

"It's my sister's. She helps me calm down." I sighed, turning it up again, although keeping it lower than before as it seemed to annoy him so much. Then, Kaga sprung up again, approaching my bed.

"You won't be able to recover if you just block it out." He placed a hand on the bar above my head and the other on the guarded rail on my bed, leaning in close so all my senses were enveloped by him. His smoke and cologne scent. His face was all I could see. His words repeated over and over again in my head. The warmth of his chest emitting onto my slightly cooler body. My eyes grew wide and I felt my heart stop due to the proximity.

"You need to learn to deal with that if you want to return to the academy." His voice was low and the comment made my head jerk in surprise. He thought I was going to return to my old life? After all the trouble I caused?

"There's no chance I can get back in. My entire resume is fake, let alone my application. I thought I was going to get kicked if I didn't work for you." I frowned my brows, saddened to have to admit I would never be able to complete my dream. Looking down, I found the arm he had encompassed over me. Running my gaze down to his hand, I noticed his knuckles white with pressure.

Before Kaga could retort, a small voice came from the doorway. "Instructor, I have the files you asked for."

Watching Kaga draw back, my eyes locked with a girl I once had a close connection with. She looked tired, a little worse for wear, but most of all, she was teary-eyed.

"Naruko," I uttered under my breath, honestly shocked to see her here. She just stood there, holding onto a beige folder. Kaga stormed over, snatching it from her.

"You're late." He grumbled, taking it and reading through it. I gulped when Naruko's gaze didn't fall from mine.

"Would you come here already? I can't exactly get up." I smiled through blurry vision, trying to reconnect with the girl I left behind. Her shoulder slumped and she ran towards me, wrapping her arms around my neck.

"What the hell, Atsuko! I thought you were dead! I mean, you were dead! How could you betray me?" She shouted in my ear the name she knew me by, tears flying down her face and onto my shoulder. I bit my lip guiltily.

"I'm sorry but... How did I betray you?" I laughed when she pulled back and showed me an out of character frown.

"You said we would graduate together! Why did you leave?" She frowned and my breathing stopped. The happiness I nurtured from seeing her slowly died as I was reminded once again of what I couldn't accomplish.

"He's got life." Kaga suddenly announced, drawing both of our attention towards him. He still had his gaze in the folder, but I knew what he was talking about. My father... He's going to die in prison?

"What?" I asked, feeling Naruko's confusion as she was pushed further into the unknown of my situation. Even though I had an idea of what he was on about, I wanted to make sure. I wanted to make sure I wasn't being hopeful.

"He's got 100 years in jail for ratting some of his partners. He’ll probably be dead by the time that’s up." Kaga seemed hesitant at first but still told me. I gripped the sheets by my leg and reached for my phone on the table.

"You, go back to the academy." Kaga shot a glare at Naruko and she quickly followed his order by running to the door. Before she left, she passed me a meaningful smile and closed the door behind her.

"You're going to recover and you're returning to work," Kaga announced once he was sure Naruko was gone as I stared at my phone, desperately trying to make sense of the clusters of blur in front of me. My vision still hadn't corrected, but I was growing a sense of understanding when I could see the characters. It was so frustrating, trying to see when I knew couldn't. No matter how hard I squinted or how sternly I stared at the object, I couldn't make sense of anything. I couldn't even see my sister's face when she hugged me. I couldn't see myself in the mirror. Just a blur of skin and the white of my hospital gown.

"I can't! How am I supposed to be a detective when I can't even stop this from happening?" I shouted, suddenly enraged by how poor my eyesight had gotten, throwing my phone into the wall of my hospital room to dismiss my problems. It fell into reconnectable pieces at the force.

"I became a cop to protect us, but I failed at that. Juna got kidnapped and I put her baby in danger. All I did at the academy was make mistake after mistake. My recklessness put complete strangers in danger! A boy almost lost his mom! How can I work when whatever I do gets people hurt?" I shouted, tears spilling from my eyes when I didn't care who heard me. I was angry and sad and broken and I just wanted to cry.

Suddenly, I felt arms around me. My head was pulled against a soft, hard surface and I felt a warm breath on my hair. My eyes widened when I realised Kaga was holding me, trying to calm me down.

"You're always so damn loud." I heard him mutter as more tears spilt from my eyes. I clutched the arm around my front for support, needing to know that I wasn't in that room. I needed to know this was reality because lately, I've been having trouble differentiating.

“Just shut up for a minute and remember where you are. Forget the past. It won’t do you any good.”

At some point during my pathetic weeping, with the little sleep I had been getting, I slipped into unaided unconsciousness, something else I’d been struggling with since I was saved.

#HLITF #hlitf ayumu #hlitf kaga #hlitf goto #hlitf ishigami #hlitf soma #hlitf shinonome #hlitf fanfic #voltage games #voltage fanfic #oc #ooc #her love in the force #crime #mafia #mob #police #detective

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jhindraven · 4 years

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okay now that issue 6 is out and ive read the thing like 3 times, im gonna do my full review/breakdown of the zed comic and allll my thoughts on it.

no screenshots bc i dont want this to be longer than it is already, and also im not gonna talk about the art itself either. this is simply about the characters, the story, and how that relates to the lore of league itself.

all of this is my opinion, you can agree or disagree with me whatever, yadda yadda lets begin

ISSUE ONE

Probably the best one? In my opinion. The lack of expectations really helped this one not suck. Also the most consistent when it comes to characters personalities, comparing them to the in-game voice lines from league and the card game.

There are scenes in issue 1 that almost foreshadow, or at least reference, the events of Issue 6, specifically Zed looking up to the statue of Kusho, and how Zed kills Althon vs how Zed kills Kusho later on.

The dialogue between Shen and Akali is.. a little clunky? Shen’s dialogue is just a little. formal. but to the point that he sounds like he’s lecturing a stranger, not talking to a former student.

Jhin giving Zed his scalpel from 19 years ago is a neat detail that I wish they used more in the story. Sure, we can assume now that Jhin probably only got it because Kusho gave it to him at some point after releasing him- which means that the scalpel is one of the many wasted plot opportunities I’ll bring up here. Part of the appeal of that scene, if only just for me, was the idea that Jhin stole it from Zed while he wasn’t looking. I remember people pointing out background characters and being like “but what if that’s Jhin there! what if he was there all along!!” But that has now been thrown out the window.

A thing I wish they did was shown more of Jhin’s ‘performances’, even if only in a montage. To show more of the impact this had on Zed and Shen, the strain it put on them mentally and emotionally, and how it affected their relationship. But I understand time and probably page restraints. So whatever about that.

Again, I think this was the best one. Set up the story well, showed why everything happening is important for the character. Neat, cool. Let’s move on

ISSUE 2

Seeing the bodies was pretty fucked up, but tbh? That shit vibed. It’s one of those things I hoped they were gonna do and they did. The bodies looking like porcelain with gold blood?? And the peacock feathers???? Thats fuckin cool as hell. Then they never did it again.

In the flashback comes one of the worst fucking things in this comic. Yevnai.

Listen I adore Yevnai as a character, one of my favourites to come from the comic. You know, in the ONE ISSUE SHE ACTUALLY SHOWS UP IN????? She shows up as simply conflict between Shen and Zed (which never actually comes up mind you), as bait for Jhin, and for? Zed to show that he can sense magic from her kids to show that she’s been cheating on her husband with Quno the vastayan servant (bc we know Zed hates vastaya i guess?). oh and Guess What? the sensing magic thing also doesn’t show up again.

Oh and Jhin follows Zed to Yevnai’s place. But nothing happens from that.

Issue 2 was good, but just a total waste imo. A lot of plot points set up only to never happen again. Best things about it were dead bodies, Jhin’s tiny Zed and Shen puppets, and the knowledge that Shen still writes letters to Yevnai :’(

ISSUE 3

I got so fucking pissed when this issue came out, no shit. They took the events of The Man With The Steel Cane and just. Threw it out the window. I did a whole other post about my issues with it so I won’t just rewrite the same shit twice. But I had to actually stop reading and pace angrily for a bit. I HATE issue 3 bro.

The scene with Kusho :) . Good to know that was now a waste of misdirection because EVERYONE seemed to call that Kusho was still alive. What bullshit. But I’ll get to that.

The inconsistencies in character really show in this one. And that connects to it being a shitty rewrite of The Man With The Steel Cane. They probably wanted a fight between Shen and Zed by this point, being halfway through the comic, and just shoved it in there. Doesn’t mean I’m not mad about it.

Akali and Kayn’s dialogue was probably the best thing in the entire issue. I don’t vibe with Akali/Kayn as a ship personally, but it got a giggle out of me im ngl.

Akali attacking Zed. I guess yeah sure she would. Fits her whole “fuck you i wont do what you tell me shen” vibe. But SHEN? calling off the armistice between the yánléi and kinkou due to the actions of one of HIS ex-students?? Shen would never. Let’s add another point to the ‘This Is Really Out Of Character’ board!

The sworn and witnessed scene was nice, it’s what Kayn deserves. Finally knowing the Kashuri Faction was nice, too bad they never get fucking mentioned ever again I guess.

There’s so many references to The Man With The Steel Cane that they could’ve implimented so much better, especially dialogue. I can’t read the original story without feeling cheated out of what it was before Issue 3. So more wasted potential I guess.

Issue 4

This was a big step up from Issues 2-3. My personal favourite, but not the best (if that makes sense). But there isn’t too much to talk about here? Jhin sets off his bombs from the last issue, it looks cool, but there’s no real story to talk about here. There is a lot of character stuff to talk about though.

Zed choosing to save Shen over getting Jhin is fucking HUGE for Zed as a character. For a character so hellbent on vengence throughout the entire thing choosing instead to save his "hated enemy and closest friend” ?? im sobbing.

This whole comic was emotional as hell, and the most character development we ever fucking saw in this thing. From Zed’s daddy issues to the realisation that Zed’s shadows are shades of Jhin and Kusho (which is now fucking hilarious and makes no sense after Issue 6).

There was a lot of setup for plotpoints that actually did show up later for once, like Kayn being the temporary leader and all that jazz. What it had in emotion, it seemed to lack in real story progression until the end.

Issue 5

This issue was weird for me. Like there was a lot of plot and a lot of character shit that seemed so condensed that it felt like nothing. Zed’s confession in the cell-wagon and the information that Shen was out fighting Noxians too? Alright, sure okay.

Shen still seems wildly out of character for me, since we mostly know him as this beacon of peace and calm- he’s so violent towards Zed all the time it’s strange. Like he points a sword at Zed while saying that he isn’t allowed to kill Jhin, wtf

The callback to Awaken is fucking superb. Really solidifies that video into the lore of the game. Camille being mentioned had me like :hearteyes: This is a nitpick- but I wish we knew what happened at the end of Awaken. Is Camille okay? Did Jhin get injured? It was a week ago, if he did get injured- where and how did he recover so fast? Little details that I wanna know, not really for any real story purposes.

Rhaast finally showing up :hearteyes:, nothing else to add bc nothing else happened with him.

Jhin making the most of Piltoven technology is really cool, and its a scene that made me go “OH YEAH he was a stagehand for a good period of time!!” That’s what we call Tying In Pre-Existing Lore fellas.

Jhin just really shined in this issue. Really set him up to be The Big Bad of the comic, like he had a monologue and everything! Once again, though, that gets absolutely wasted by Issue 6.

Issue 6

Where do I fucking start?

Let’s start with Jhin. I don’t know about yall, but since we spent a solid 5 issues chasing after him I expected more of a dramatic fight. More like the explosions in Issue 4. But uh we got. Some fancy prop work before he got punched in the face twice and thrown on the ground. It’s What He Deserves but like you know, he deserved worse.

As much as I didn’t want it to happen, I’m disappointed they didn’t unmask him at all. His mask was still fucking pristine by the end of the fight!! Not a scratch, not a chip!! But to be fair I think we got maybe 2 pages worth of a physical fight with Jhin so,, sure. Whatever. Out goes 5 issues of setting up? Not to downplay the conflict in that scene of course, I think it was pretty cool. It was just so anticlimactic at the end like wh-

Kusho! Haha they got us good!! The dead dude is actually still alive oooo~ [heavy sarcasm]. Why. It wasn’t a good twist! It was a “oh. okay yeah sure” twist. This might be my heat of the moment response but I have no words for how cheap and absolutely horseshit that twist is. Good thing we only have to think about it for 10 pages because HE FUCKING DIES AGAIN. WHAT A WASTE!!

Whatever, whatever, thinking about it makes me so mad because they set it up barely in Issue 5? I’m just tired this actually drained me irl.

At least we have baby Kayn and good dad Zed at the end to cleanse us of that.

HEY actually did you know that they thought that Good Dad Zed was considered contoversial by Marvel’s editors?? HUH????

whatever, whatever. i’m pissed.

BONUS SHIT

So Jhin’s lore has now had an update to connect with the comic. And it’s fucking weird. Now suddenly Kusho didn’t care about catching Jhin after he found out it was just a human person murdering people? And that it was essentially Not Their Job anymore??? excuse me??

CONCLUSION?

This comic started with a good beginning and a lot of potential. It brought up so many new theories and so many new headcanons. But all that potential and all that interesting story got washed away with unconnected plot points, ‘important’ characters that show up once, and a cheap twist ending that simultaneously came out of nowhere and was easily predicted (in the bad way). It was a fun read for a while, but the ending has soured the experience I had reading it.

Some issues may come from time + page constraints, and the limitations of the medium. But those were mostly minor issues. I wanna give the artists and the writers the benefit of the doubt, maybe blame Marvel as I like to do. But...

6 months worth of waiting for an ending like this? I’m just disappointed.

#this is really fucking long im so sorry #if you enjoyed the comic- good for you. im glad you had fun. i really truely am.#i was so excited for this series.. i feel almost cheated #long post #zed comic #zed spoilers #jhin reads league

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friedpotat0 · 4 years

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this is a rant

i’m going crazy and i want to leave. my parents do not support the idea of moving out.my mom is not the nicest or most understanding person and resorts to humiliating us a lot. she screams and criticizes us on the daily because we aren't as religious as her. my dad is complicit many times. she's not a terrible person by any means, but this ends up in me having to sort of parent my siblings. i also see my siblings starting to inherit some of her really bad habits. my younger sister especially, she can be really selfish at times and has a one track mind, but i chalk that up to her being a teen. and to be fair, i feel like im starting to resemble some of the toxic behaviors that my mom is exhibiting. this is scary to me because i feel like my siblings really look up to me at times and i end up failing them.this is all starting to really infuriate me. i can't be a second parent to my siblings. my dad is working like 90+ hours a week now and can't really be there for them. my mom is emotionally unavailable and isn't really someone to go to when you want to talk about anything, really. so my siblings come to me. i am dealing with a mental illness that i was recently diagnosed with and taking care of MYSELF is hard enough, having to deal with my family is starting to get really frustrating. i wouldnt say my family is abusive but at the very least its always super tense and toxic. im tired of being yelled at for not praying like all the time and doing housework 24/7 despite the fact im a full time student and my mom is stay at home, and my siblings do jack shit.

i've voiced these concerns so many times before. my family doesn't really take it seriously, in fact they have this notion that keeping the family together since im the eldest daughter. that's just too much responsibility for me. i just can't do it. i know im a bit of a lazy wimp but this is starting to get really frustrating for me. before quarantine, i didn't have too much of a problem with this setup since i spent most of my days at college or with friends. now that i have to be home 24/7, i'm going crazy. i demanded for my own room (that i share with my sister) and my dad is considering it but my mom is going off the rails for being super selfish and that "girls should never be alone" and some stupid shit. i do go to therapy and it helps sometimes but it doesn't eliminate the root issue. i noticed ive been lashing out a lot lately and sometimes feel myself slipping back into my past toxic behaviors and a major depressive episode. i desperately need my own space and yet my family continuously refuses to provide it. we're not even allowed to lock doors at any point unless we are changing. i can't really meet up with friends or get a job since my mom is super paranoid about getting covid (i get that but i take all the precautions). i would move out if i had the funds and the mental capacity to do so, but i just can't at the moment. i have little money and getting a job is tough. my parents pay for the car and my phone and everything so if i do move out i have to start from scratch and i dont think i can do that on like 200 dollars. i could go on and on but im just at a loss. i feel like im fucking trapped here. i cant even take care of myself let alone other people. its not my fucking job. im not even allowed to have my own room. im just on the verge of leaving forever. i had this urge a few days ago and had sort of a breakdown over it and calmed down and now im having this urge again. i just cant fucking take it anymore. classes will be in session soon and i dont want to see my families faces anymore. i just lashed out at my sister and i feel really bad but im tired of her just taking and stealing my shit (that i try my best to take care of because it’s one of the few things that give me some sense of control) and ruining it and lying about taking it. then the worst part is when my mom knows and then she goes the fuck off on my sister making her feel 1000x shittier than she already is. i fucking hate this. i dont know what to do anymore. i dont want to die but i also dont want to be here anymore.

i just really need someone to lean on. i had a few great friends reach out and that is wonderful but they also have their own issues and i cant cry about this shit forever. i want to fucking leave.

#rant #delete later

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rianafying · 4 months

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i’m starving and i’m hungover and i’m in trouble. my sd card got corrupted and i might lose all the work i’ve done in january, which is a LOT of work. i just need to talk to my friends. the timing is bad because they’re either at work or asleep rn. i’m about to throw up.

it’s fine i reached them, after they woke up. spoke to friends, i feel better emotionally. but worse physically because it’s been so long since i’ve had some food. any food. there’s so much shit i need to buy but no money to buy them. i’m scared that one of these days i’ll have to resort to ebegging. i don’t want to do that. because im not even doing that bad but i feel terrible. and im prone to heavily catastrophizing every situation im faced with. somehow i have linked this sd card failure to the downfall of my career that i have worked so hard to build. if you dont have catastrophizing anxiety, you dont know what it feels like to imagine every single worst possible outcome and believe it to be true. but somehow throughout my life, it has been. what i feared kept coming true. but fearing it and being paralysed by it, didn’t help my case. apparently it’s in my brain chemistry to do this and also to have chronic pain. apparently there’s something wrong in my hypothalamus, pituitary gland, amygdala, hippocampus, and prefrontal cortex. they’re are all fucked up and feel wayyy more pain than is ever necessitated. i feel like im spiralling out of control at a faster rate than i can reel it back in. for most of my life ive been getting wounded more than i could heal. and now im limping my way through life, and hating almost every second of it despite trying so hard not to.

i had a full breakdown today, worse than other breakdowns. i feel super defeated. people are being nice to me. somehow that is making me feel even worse. things keep going wrong. there is no escaping tragedy.

day 3 of this same journal entry. i’m officially out of money. even my coins. i have a little bit of usd in my absolute emergency fund, but i really don’t want to have to touch that. i have a week to go before i get paid a bit of money. which will still not be enough because i had to use afterpay to buy some necessary stuff at kmart, and now i have to pay it back. things rlly are tough out here. thinking i should not fix my laptop and instead spend that money like normal. like use it to get by nicely for a while. then what? at what point will i be able to get a real regular job? i found out for sure this month that i can’t make it to work on 25% of days due to my illness. so what work could i do. rlly upset about losing the images on my sd card. i haven’t permanently lost them yet, but, it’s far too expensive to recover. i was considering recovering the data when im in bangladesh but i dont think id trust the data recovery service in dhaka anyway. they’ll probably fail at the task and also ruin my card. things are so wrong rn. my microwave, my pan, my passport, my myki, my financial situation, the burnt skin on my face, my psoriasis and arthritis, my hair situation, my multiple severe nutritional deficiencies and chronic pain, my various mental illnesses, my awful dirty room, my inability to work on any, let alone every, one of these problems. i just get paralysed and bed rot for days. this is officially too much for me. it’s too many things to deal with. i’m not built for even half of this. how can i give up without like kms, like what’s another way to give up? because bed rotting isn’t cutting it. i could really use some help. when i asked for help, my uncle said to visit my friend in sydney, or to visit bangladesh, neither of which is going to actually help my situation, because ill be miserable regardless of where i am, until my problems have been resolved. and both of these things are expensive as fuck, like, what’s a girl supposed to do. i don’t wanna go on a $200 trip to sydney when my sd card requires a $400 data recovery. that’s just the tip of the iceberg that is my situation.

no amount of talking to people, or going on trips is going to solve my problems. which is painful for me to say because i’ve been dying to do something fun for once. not that i don’t have fun in melbourne i do, but that’s cause i try to enjoy work, and romanticise the life i already have. and because im not yet a local local, i can still experience melbourne like a tourist. with fresh eyes. anyway, yeah, im deleting bumble because its stupid, let’s be real im never gonna go on a date w a strangers plus i dont even respond to people because im obviously not ready to actually give this a chance. not yet at least. costar says i let my need for stability stunt relationship growth. but i’m okay with that, or at least i would be if i had any stability. right now i feel like i have the short end of every stick. no it feels like i have no stick at all. the universe or god or whatever is out there is giving me a huge middle finger and laughing at my suffering.

they say that i’m overthinking or that even if there is a problem there’s a solution. what’s the solution to not having enough money to solve my problems? by the time i might have money, these problems will have caused critical damage. what’s the solution to the weight i carry around from never feeling safe or loved my whole entire life. what’s the solution to the mother shaped void in my heart. what’s the solution to the fear of losing my sibling and friends. i cope, and i deal, but it never really goes away. even now as i’ve hit my weekly rock bottom, i’m trying to list things to be grateful for, to see the glass as half full. but i can’t lie, the glass is not half full. i’ve been running on a nearly empty tank for as long as i can remember. even if i somehow manage to get my tank full, there’s like holes in it that can never be permanently patched. i destroy everything i touch, i let down everyone i know, and i keep getting chances. i don’t need another chance. i need a break. i don’t want to prove myself, unless it is to prove that i fail.

i’m told that the broader focus of my life during this time is to clear away built-up structures that have been holding me back. excess is not always abundance. i’m supposed to decide what's worth keeping and what to pass up. apparently my sense of well-being relies on my willingness to seize new opportunities, which is a commendable move for someone who will only settle for all or nothing. “use this moment to streamline your aesthetic by getting rid of excess that no longer gives you pleasure.” this could not be more on the nose. fine i’ll pack some stuff up and head drop it in a donation bin. it will clear up some space in my room too. this might be good. give me some literal and also mental space to work with. also on the nose is “make sure you're not doing that thing where you over-intellectualize your experience, and then convince yourself that you know all the laws of the universe.” okay i get it. thank you for spelling it out for me. maybe now i will finally listen. i’m certainly being spied on. most of life is out of my control but i choose joy.

i couldn’t attend the invasion day protest today because i was on the phone talking a loved one out of killing herself. i shouldn’t feel guilty, it’s not like i had a choice in that scenario. i’m told that in most scenarios, there is no such thing as “fault”. if my goal was to shift blame, i could use all the words in the world to make myself innocent, but that’s not what i want, that’s not what i’m familiar with.

i think that maybe i would like to have a fresh start. i dont know what a fresh start would even look like. to go back in time a couple of years? how many years? at what point was it fresh? go back to when i was born? be born to different people? be a different person? a fresh start to me would be one in which so much is different from how my life is right now, that i don’t know how it would even be mine. this is who i am, all the terrible things that make up, well, me. and a fresh start wouldn’t be me, or it wouldn’t be fresh. i’m stale and im crusty, to the core of my being.

maybe i just need to go on a walk.

#personal #journal entry

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fuck-customers · 5 years

Text

My store is a dumpster fire waiting to explode

So this story has been one that has been slowly building over the sevenish months that I have been there, so this is going to be a very very long one, I apologize in advance. TLDR at the bottom.

I'm writing this cause I saw a recent submission about a p**s****, and just... need to get this off my chest.

So we opened this store late last year, and I was absolutely ecstatic at the time. The job had gotten me out of 45+ hours food service job which had left me emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted, and it was working with pets, so obviously it has to be great right? Well not so much.

It started out okay, I liked the people I worked with, but from the start we had issues. It was clear that there was (and is to this day) a breakdown in communication between managers and the different shifts. The people who trained me (as a shift leader who has the authority to open or close the store) were from outside, and apparently didnt do a very good or thorough job. For months after that the manager or assistant manager would say that I was doing something wrong, or forgetting to do something which I had never been shown or even told to do at all. Has this gotten better in the last seven months? No, it has not. In fact I am still not fully trained for the position I am supposed to be in, and was barely half trained for most of it. But I wasnt even the worst off, because the assistant manager at the time, N, wasnt fully trained either.

Now that might not be a big problem during the first few months, everything is still shaking down and people are getting settled, right? Well turns, out corporate needs our store manager, Ill call her R, to manage TWO STORES, at the same time. 2 hours apart from each other. So store manager splits her time between my store, and the store two hours away which ends up in a four hour commute for her because -- guess what-- they dont even pay her for a hotel. So now the store is managed by the not fully trained assistant manager.

During those few months where R was gone, I had a rough time. Money was missing several times from drawers or safe, things weren't getting done the way they were supposed to, daily paperwork wasnt signed, and R blamed me and the other shift leader, A, for not doing things the way they were supposed to be done. Except we were never originally told how things were supposed to be done.

Well R finally hires a manager for the other store she was helping to manage and comes back to discover that the store is in chaos. On the outside everything looked fine, but all that paperwork that hadnt been done correctly? It had built up to months worth of issues that needed to be corrected, and she was behind on everything.

Around that time she finally realizes that the problems we were having werent my or A's fault. It was the assistant manager N. Turns out, she would show up for work and just sit and do NOTHING. Basically expecting the closing people, aka me and A, to do everything that needed to be done. And the stuff that apparently only she knew how to do (because she hadnt trained me or A even though it was also something we were supposed to be doing), was getting delayed by several days. All while she left exactly when her shift was up, got there late in the mornings, and generally was just sketchy about work over all. A and I believe that that money that went missing several times was her doing as well, because after she left, it magically stopped happening.

But since R and N were friends, there was no consequence. In the end, me and A basically had to make up for all the missed work on N's side, because R refused to fire her. She wrote her up a few times, had some "discussions," but eventually N left on her own. It came out after she left that N was a compulsive liar, who had told lies to just about everyone at the store, from tiny ones to massive ones.

So now the store had lost the (half-trained) assistant manager, and we still had to fix all of her messes. So R decides to promote A (which is good, A is a great worker and more experienced than I am) to assistant manager. At this point I was hopeful that everything would calm down and start to settle.

Surprise. That didnt happen.

Instead our store manager got PROMOTED, to a sort of district manager. So then she was only going to be at our store for TWO DAYS of the entire week. She had just made A assistant manager, so she had barely any training, even though they did some speed training for a week or two.

At this point I still wasnt even trained to take in shipments, meaning the only two people in the entire store who could process incoming freight were R and A, even though we get daily shipments. We were still trying to fix the issues and things left behind by N. It was an absolute nightmare.

But it still gets worse. Because thats when we learned that one of our associates was leaving at the end of the month. I dont begrudge her for it, but it put a squeeze on everyone. Because despite common sense where if you lose someone you hire someone new to replace them, that didnt happen. We started with about 7 total workers, four of which were management, three of which were cashiers. We had lost one of the cashiers early on, N was gone, and R was there two days a week (most of which was her panicking about paperwork and store stuff), and we were about to lose another cashier. But still R hadnt hired anyone new. And after the one cashier left, our last remaining cashier let us know she would be leaving as well.

Of course, R panics. At that point she was down to four workers, including herself, and one of them about to leave. She finally starts the hiring procedures, but because she is so busy, it takes her WEEKS to hire anyone.

For about a month, it was basically me and A running the store. they scheduled me at 39 hours (so they wouldnt have to pay me for full time), and expected me to cover any shifts people called out, or come in early, or stay late. I was (and currently still am) the only shift leader for the store. And I am STILL not fully trained.

About two weeks ago, R finally hires some people. One of them literally quits after two days, and then she suddenly starts hiring a bunch of people. So now we have four new people we have to train, one of which they decided after a week would be a shift leader. But because she hired all of these new people at once, she's cutting my hours to 20 hours or less. So after all my hard work, after all my sticking through, I havent gotten a raise, and instead my hours have been drastically cut, and it doesnt look like R has learned anything at all.

I dont even think I would realize how bad it is, if it werent for the fact that R has had to beg help from other stores. And those from the other stores, would ask me questions about the store, about things that needed to be done which I couldnt answer. They looked at me in complete surprise and befuddlement, because it was simple things, basic things which I should know. But dont.

There is honestly, so much more that I cant even begin to start going through because its such a f***** mess. I was trained how to open the store over the phone, and trained on things at most once or twice with supervision before sent off to figure it out alone. I still have questions because I havent been fully trained after SEVEN MONTHS. I've been scheduled outside of my availability multiple times, and have covered all but two shifts I have been asked to cover, even though the ONE day I asked if someone could cover me cause I was so sick I could barely talk no one took my shift. There is so much confusion because there is no communication between shifts, I walk in after a few days completely unaware of whats happening or needs to be done. I dislike calling R whenever there are issues because she always snaps when she answers the phone and tries to get off as soon as possible and I feel like Im an inconvenience.

So yeah, Im done. I have been for months but Ive been trying to stick it out as long as I could. But Ive put in my notice, and Im hoping to find something better. At least now I know what red flags to look for.

TLDR: Corporate keeps putting way too much on store manager, it trickles down to literally everyone and everything in the store, no one can fix it and now all but one person who opened the store are leaving.

#submissions #fuck retail #fuck managers #submission

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