#modern magic and misgivings | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

fatehbaz · 4 years

Text

Non-places; strange allure of eerie landscape and liminal space:

Spectacular message.

Part 1: Ghosts, transgressions, thresholds, ecology, empire etc. Me being annoying.

Part 2: List of sources and reading recommendations.

Part 3, some excerpts I think you might like, here:

de Certeau, whose writing influenced Marc Auge’s work on non-places, from: “Walking in the City.” In: The Practice of Everyday Life. Translated by Steven Rendall. 1984.

Escaping the imaginary totalizations produced by the eye, the everyday has a certain strangeness [...]. [P]roper names carve out pockets of hidden and familiar meaning. [...] Ultimately, since proper names are already “local authorities” [...], they are [in the modern space, the non-place] replaced by numbers: the telephone number, [etc.] [...]. The same is true of the stories and legends that haunt urban space like superfluous or additional inhabitants. Their extermination (like the extermination of trees, forests, and hidden places in which such legends live) makes the city a “suspended symbolic order.” The habitable city is thereby annulled. [...] Objects and words also have hollow places in which a past sleeps, as in the everyday acts of walking, eating, going to bed, in which ancient revolutions slumber [...]. Travel (like walking) is a substitute for the legends that used to open up space to something different. [...] There is no place that is not haunted by many different spirits hidden there in silence, spirits one can “invoke” or not. Haunted places are the only ones people can live in -- and this inverts the schema of the panopticon.

----------

I think Giggs said it well, too. [From: Rebecca A. Giggs. The Rise of the Edge. 2010 Draft.]

Unlike the sublime, with its axiomatic relationship with nature and its place in a history of “the outdoors,” the uncanny is more readily associated with anti-natural concerns - degrees of deadness; animated corpses, ghosts, and artificial beings; dolls, automatons, and doubles. [...] Modern shopping malls that replicate identical layouts, and retirement communities wherein every residential unit is built in the mirror-image of the unit opposite – right down to the pearly patina of the laminex on the bench-tops. [...] The uniform architecture and visual parroting of W/a/l/Marts, Apple/bees, Best/Buys, Starb/ucks and Borders [...]. This doubling of place not only arouses the unnerving suspicious -- “I’ve been here before,” and “am I here, or am I in fact elsewhere?” -- but additionally reaffirms the underlying unnaturalness of all place-based experience. The local is eerie on account of it being familiar. In other words, it is precisely because the local is “homely” that it is capable of being shot-through with the “unhomely.” The uncanny exists because there is an environment. Many of us may be struck by the uncanny compulsion to repeat in these self-same environments -- to return in search of the small dissimilarity, the idosyncrasy that distinguishes the “here” from the “there.” [...] Standing in the aisles of I/kea, frozen to the spot, you are seized by an alarming vision; you are split prismatically, and somewhere else another you is holding another flat-packed E/ngan storage box in walnut [...]. As multinational corporations seek to comfort and disarm through their “commonplace” design, they also run the risk that such places become indirectly disturbing in their duplication. [...] Things are are ambiguous where there is too much multivalent, ambient information coming in from all angles. Human-animal-machine. Everywhere-anywhere-nowhere. Alive-dead-stimulant. Evolve-devolve-mutate. The uncanny concerns a dislocation of time [...] the resurfacing of intuitive misgivings into a space where there is no longer a clear language or psychological register within which they can be articulated. Hence, the uncanny does not disappear, but becomes more condensed and potent in societies where there is little room apportioned for the public acceptance of the pre-logical strangeness of experience. Where uncanny dubiety persists, it can no longer be assimilated into the hinterlands of the sacred or the mythic.

--------

And from Tim Edensor: “The ghosts of industrial ruins: ordering and disordering memory in excessive space.” Environment and Planning. 2005.

Within the interstices of the city there are a host of other spaces, part of a “wild zone”, a “[…] site […] which avoids the objective processes of ordered territorialisation […]”. What Ford (2000) calls the ‘spaces between buildings’, the unadorned backsides of the city, the alleys, culverts, service areas, and other microspaces, along with wastelands, railway sidings, spaces behind billboards, and unofficial rubbish tips, as well as the ‘edgelands’ or ‘urban fringe’ (Shoard, 2003), are spaces “where aesthetics and ethics merge and where there are no defined boundaries and constant ruptures […].” [T]his collection of marginal sites [...]. Staged […] through the intensified mediatisation and commodification of popular sites, myths, and icons […], mediated imaginary geographies circulate through adverts, soap operas, ‘classic’ rock stations […]. But […] the modern city can never become a wholly Appollonian, seamlessly regulated realm for it continues to be haunted by the neglected, the disposed of, and the repressed, most clearly in marginal sites where ghostly memories cannot be entirely expunged. [...] And yet their absence manifests itself as a presence through the shreds and silent things … a host of signs and traces which let us know that “a haunting is taking place.” […] Movement in ruins becomes strangely reminiscent of childhood […]. Crawling through dense undergrowth, scrambling over walls and under fences [...]. Such spaces might be compared to the ‘felicitous’ and ‘eulogised’ spaces – primarily the protective, inhabited domestic spaces, the ‘corners of our world’ – which provide the basis of feeling at ‘home’ […], but are also analogous to the dens of childhood, where the sensual experience of texture and micro-atmosphere are absorbed, “nooks and corners” which became “a resting-place for daydreams” that may reemerge during adulthood. [...] Being haunted draws us, “always a bit magically, into the structure of feeling of a reality we come to experience, not as cold knowledge, but as transformative recognition” […].

----

Also, from Bob Cluness: “I am an other and I always was…”: On the Weird and Eerie in Contemporary and Digital Cultures. University of Iceland MA Thesis. 2019.

On a material level, the eerie is often not located in the humanistic confines and locales of the family and home. Often, it is located in marginal spaces, in landscapes, sites, and structures where there is either a distinct lack of human presence, or there was once a human activity which has since disappeared. Various ruins, such as the ancient sites of Stonehenge […] to more modern locations such as abandoned buildings […].

Where society is increasingly on the move, movement turns a place into a passage of space, and therefore non-place. […] To facilitate the semblance of frictionless movement and exchange, the layout, design and production of non-places tend towards a structural homogeneity […]. Non-spaces therefore create a disavowal towards exhibiting any particular cultural roots or an innate historical connection with the surrounding area. […] The basic layout of a shopping mall or an airport is the same whether it is in Reykjavik or Rio de Janeiro. [...] Through their overriding spatial conformity, and the mechanical nature they invoke in the individual towards consumerism and social control, non-places invoke forms of eerie alienation [...] they allow the individual to psychologically disconnect, to drift […]. Such places (or non-places) are often where there is an absence of humanity, or where there is something or some agency at work that is just beyond our realm of understanding; “The eerie concerns the most fundamental metaphysical questions one could pose, questions to do with existence and non- existence.” As such, the eerie “is constituted by a failure of absence or by a failure of presence. The sensation of the eerie occurs either when there is something present where there should be nothing, or is there nothing present when there should be something.” This becomes evident with the use “eerie” as descriptive terms, such as there being an “eerie silence,” or an “eerie cry”; at the heart of the eerie, it talks of an absence of something, or the presence of something, but something that is unknown and outside of our normal frames of knowledge and reference. [...] Fisher asserts […]:

It is about the forces that govern our lives and the world […] In the case of the failure of absence, the question concerns the existence of agency as such. Is there a deliberative agent here at all? Are we being watched by an entity that has not yet revealed itself? In the case of the failure of presence, the question concerns the particular nature of the agent at work. We know that Stonehenge has been erected, so the questions of whether there was an agent behind its construction or not does not arise; what we have to reckon with are the traces of a departed agent whose purposes are unknown.

111 notes · View notes

totallypathet · 3 years

Text

Episode Five

So I've been pretty disappointed with Drag Race this year (the pointlessness of episode 1, not having anyone go home until episode 4, the insistence to have a ~gag~ all the time, etc), but I love a ball challenge, and I wanna talk about it, so here we are 😂

I'm not even talking about that mini challenge, it was super dull and just weird. And ultimately didn't even mean anything? Like the winner didn't even get more time to pick materials for the ball, or anything? Super weird.

I think bags is such a cool idea; there's so many different materials that can be used, different colours and ideas and styles, I love it. I also like that they kind of went outside the box with a "pun" look, like it literally gives everyone the space to do whatever they want, and be funny. I loved seeing everyone's different interpretations and sense of humour as well. The Miss Moneybags look, they do everytime, I'm okay with that, I love seeing a sleek chic eleganza. I just wish they hadn't done this weird thing with the Coach bags??? Let's just be honest, Coach bags are ugly. And super boring. I do not understand them being forced to carry an ugly clutch, so I will be excluding all of those bags from my outfit critiques.

1. Denali

I loooved Denali's high fashion crash test dummy! I think "airbag" was a little bit of a reach, but I'll forgive it, she looked utterly incredible. That beige colour of the suit was so ugly, but I feel like it was meant to be? There's something so fashion to me about taking something that ugly and making it cool and sleek. And paired with the black & bright yellow? Chefs kiss.

Her second look was very Cruella DeVille, loved it. I loved the fascinator, I loved the long fingernail with the cigarette holder, and I loved that it was trousers with a big cape instead of a dress. It made it feel so modern, and so elegant. I was living.

I was kind of confused by her bag look. I love that she made this structure over her head out of bags (I assume handles?) That was super cool. I loved her face, using gems to make a Dia De Las Muertas sugar skull was a really cool idea. The dress just seemed a little...boring? Maybe I'm being unfair, they had a day and it had to be made out of bags, what am I expecting? I don't know. I kind of wish maybe there were more gems on the dress because she's used them on her face? I think my misgivings is that there just seemed to be a disconnect between the trellis & her face and the dress. From the neck up it was so cool and fashion forward, and then there was just a cute little dress? Not sure. I mean look, I'm super impressed that she made it, she did a good job in the time they were given, she did the assignment. Tick.

2. Elliott with Two Ts

You know what, I actually really enjoyed gift bag. Was it an incredible look that I gagged over and I'm going to be thinking about for days? No. Was it really cute and did it fit the challenge? Yes. Fair play to her, I respect it.

The moneybags look though? Seen it a thousand times. Seen it done infinitely better than that. Cool, you threw on an 80s power suit, and? I also feel like she walked in wearing that jacket. Come on Elliott, step it up.

I was thinking she was going to be in the bottom...then she came out in that third look. You're telling me that was a beanbag?! And she made a three piece outfit out of it?? In a day??? And it looked like that???? Shook. That jacket was so stunning, the attitude was perfect. Co-ords are very in fashion at the moment, we love a three piece in the same print. I'm so impressed by this third look. But it does make me question the first two - why is it that a look you made in one day out of a beanbag is leagues ahead of two looks you had time to plan and execute perfectly?

3. Gottmik

Body bag was everything. I loved it. My one thing is that I wish she'd kept that clear bag-jacket on just a little bit longer, maybe taken it off when she hit the end of the runway. It was a really cool part of the look and it didn't get it's full moment. Otherwise, it was perfect. Head empty, just love for Gottmik.

Okay, we can pack it up now - noone is ever going to top this look. This moneybags look is genuinely (I think) the best look that has ever been down the runway in 13 seasons of Drag Race, 6 seasons of All Stars, 2 seasons of Drag Race UK, and 1 season of Drag Race Canada. I literally applauded in my living room. The suit and the fringe, but that cut out for the bra, and the crystal pinstripe, and the e-girl hair, and the wide leg pant... everything about it was perfect. I could rewatch that runway for hours.

I was actually underwhelmed by her third look. I feel like, if it hadn't been a sewing challenge, if this had just been a fashion runway, or a rave runway, I would have absolutely loved it. I just feel like it was a bit low effort for a sewing challenge. It is very fashion, it's very chic, it's very modern, but it looked like she just cut triangles from those silver bags and stuck them down her leg. Knowing she went to fashion school, I just was expecting something more from a construction point of view. Its a shame, because her first two looks were absolute tens, and then this just didn't match up for me. I also wonder, would she have gotten away with this if she wasn't skinny? I don't buy that the judges would have gagged over it if it was on someone else's body.

I'm glad that she won, I think that second look alone deserved the win, but I just was disappointed by the third look. When you saw that and Utica's look side by side, it just showed up how much more Gottmik could have done, and I just think she cut herself a bit short. But it was still a great look, and she deserved the win!

4. Joey Jay

IV bag was...a choice. It was cool, in that nobody else did it, it was outside the box, and I appreciate that. It just didn't feel very well thought out. She had that deflated party city nurse hat on, and I was like are you the nurse or the patient? And she was talking about syringe armour, but there was like 6 syringes haphazardly hot glued on, and then the ivy leaves? I was just confused. When Carson made the IV/ivy connection, I got it, and then Joey was like "no, just the IV bag"? So why the ivy leaves? I was confused. Didn't enjoy it.

I didn't love her second look either. It was...a jacket and leggings. It was a nice jacket, don't get me wrong, but I feel like I could buy that look. In fact, I feel like I could make that look out of pieces I already own. Underwhelming.

That third look though. If Lala Ri's look hadn't been out there, this would have been the worst look of the night. It was so boring. You know what else? It looked like umbrellas. If this had been an umbrella challenge, maybe it wouldn't have been so bad. But this was just. Awful.

She deserved to go this week. All three of her looks were underwhelming, her lipsync was just okay, it was her time.

5. Kandy Muse

Bag of tricks was cool, I love that she did actually bring some magic tricks to the runway, and I love that the bag became a cape! I just wish she'd leaned more into a magician look, as opposed to the rabbit. It just didn't feel like she went quite far enough.

I loved her interpretation of money bags! One of my favourite looks of the night. It was so different to what everyone else did, it was so modern, and so clever. The wig, made out of money? Amazing. The notes on the ends of her suspenders? Inspired. The dollar signs on the sunglasses? I loved it. This for me is the best thing Kandy has worn so far, I loved it. I think, without this look, she would have been in the bottom three. If the other two looks had been on par with this one? She would have won.

Kandy. Baby. What was that third look. I give her credit for the top, and the bra being two toned. It looked like there was some good construction there. But the skirt? Honey that was backpacks hot glued to a belt, and I'm not buying it. I was tossing up her and Tamisha for bottom three, because that look was honestly just bad.

I do love that Kandy is confident - although I agree with Tamisha and sometimes she crosses into arrogance - but also you've got to recognise when something is not good, and this wasn't good. When you just think that everything you've done is great because you did it, you're stepping into delusion.

6. Lala Ri

Bag of bones...yeah okay. I did really enjoy the mermaid silhouette being made of the sack at the bottom, that was a cool idea. I just wish she'd made more of the bones? Like I wish she'd made a sort of exo skeleton thing, like had a spine on the back, made a ribcage out of finger bones, had a big shoulder pad made of shoulder bones (the big flat ones, I know they have a name, but I failed biology at school). It just felt a bit rushed. If that had been the one she made, I would have been super impressed with it, they only get a day; but they had time in advance to get these designed and made. It just could have been so much more.

I loved her money bags look! I think it was one of my favourites of the night. It was so beautiful, so well put together, I loved the pairing with the shoes, and she actually was one of the only ones to make that Coach bag look decent. And I love a bald queen. There's not a lot of queens who would be brave enough to go bald with a look like that, but it just added such power and beauty. Absolutely adored it.

If I had "made" what Lala Ri made... I don't think I would have been able to walk it down the runway. I give her credit for actually walking in something that heinous. I just don't understand what she was thinking! Like she knew that she didn't have enough of those bags, so why didn't she take it apart and start again? Why didn't she go and pick up some more materials and do something else? Everything about this was just a nightmare. I feel like I could have made that in 5 minutes. I feel like I could have made something better in an hour. I love Lala so much, but my god she deserved to be bottom 2 this week! She pulled it out in the lipsync, she is an amazing performer. I'm just disappointed in what she made, it literally looks like she got dragged through a bag hedge backwards. I expect to see better next week, Lala!

7. Olivia Lux

Punching bag was gorgeous, but its such a shame Symone had already done basically the same look like 2 episodes ago. It was beautiful, and she looked stunning (as always), I just felt sad for her that this had already been done this season. Also, having seen other photos of her in this look, where she had a black eye and a busted lip, I wish she'd done it more like that. Symone already gave us the model version, I wish Olivia had given us more of a gritty post-fight look - with like messed up hair, a black eye, maybe some rips in the clothes, just something to distance it from what Symone did.

I loved her second look. It was a power suit, but with a beautiful modern twist! I love the cape jacket and capris, it was so chic! And I love that the lining of the Cape matched the tie, that level of detail is what I love about Olivia. It was such a smart choice, and she was the only other queen to make those Coach bags look good 😂

Her third look, it was okay. I love Olivia, but it was a bra and panty. I give her credit for the sleeves, I loved them, but I just wish she'd done a little bit more with the bodice, and added something on the bottom maybe? She looked beautiful, she always looks beautiful, I was just hoping for something a little more.

8. Rosé

I loved bagpipes! Very cool look, very Rosé, she's already told us about her Scottish heritage, this is really on brand - perfect. No critiques; it was clean, well done, she looked beautiful, tick.

I think Rosé was unfortunate that she came out right after Gottmik. I dont know if her look, by itself, was actually that bad, but when you put it next to what Gottmik did, it just looked so boring. And also, 80s powersuit look, again. It was cute, it fit her nicely, but it wasn't fashion or eleganza. It was really disappointing for me.

I really enjoyed her third look, I loved the movement she created with those round bags on the bottom. Again, I feel like she did the assignment, she looked beautiful. I dont know that I would have put her in the top this week. I feel like every look just had something missing.

9. Symone

Funbags was cute! She played it up really well, presented it in a fun way. It was a beautiful dress as well, the feathers of the bottom was a lovely touch. Did she look beautiful? Absolutely. Was it the best look on the runway? No. I liked it, I didn't love it. We've seen better from Symone.

Her second look? This is the level I expected from Symone. The second she turned the corner, I loved it. So sleek, so fashion; it's exactly what I picture the CEO of a Gen Z fashion house to be wearing. I just loved it. This look, for me, saved Symone from the bottom three. It was so perfect.

Symone better have bought Lala Ri a huge drink after this. If not for Lala Ri's, hers would have been the worst construction on the runway. It was veery basic, and the only reason she got away with it is because she's skinny and beautiful. She was saved only by her second look, and Lala Ri. I love Symone, but she's better than this!

10. Tamisha Iman

I really liked the Old Bag! She knew she was gonna be one of the oldest there, she played into it! She did something very different to the others, she's hammed it up, she played a character, I really enjoyed it! The suit was incredible, I loved the big necklace, it was a big tick for me.

Her second look...I love Tamisha so much. She looked like an air stewardess. Did she look beautiful? Of course. Did she look rich and elegant and chic and fashion? No. She also has a thing with these long dark brown/black wigs that are really flat and just sort of hang down. I would have lived an updo with this look, I feel like it would have just elevated it a little bit.

I actually quite liked Tamisha's third look! It was busy, I get that. I loved the top of it though, the bustier and the shoulder, I loved! The skirt was maybe a little much, but she made a complete dress out of bags, it was fitted beautifully, she looked stunning, I really enjoyed it! Her makeup was a little off somehow, I can't quite pinpoint how, but it just wasn't quite right. I don't think she deserved to be bottom three to be honest, but maybe I'm biased because I love her so much.

I also didn't really understand the critiques she was given this week, like it felt like they just said she's not...drag enough? But she gave us so much range? Like there were 3 very distinct looks, she looked good in them, what's the problem? I get that the looks didn't really hit the challenge, and that's why she was in the bottom, but that critique is so confusing to me. Like what is "drag enough"? This show constantly praises queens for being "fishy" and looking hyper feminine, but when Tamisha is doing it it doesn't fly? I don't get it.

11. Tina Burner

I was a little disappointed with Brown Bag. I got the reference, I liked the dress, I loved the mermaid tail being made of bottles, that was super cool. I didn't get the presentation. She was walking like she was wasted, but her hair & makeup was perfect, the dress was still on straight; that didn't make sense to me. I feel like she should have been a little bit more "end of the night" looking, with messy hair and smudged makeup, maybe some mascara tear tracks, because who can get that drunk without crying? Not me, that's for damn sure. It was good, it wasn't great.

Okay, another 80s power suit moment. I liked it more than Elliott's or Rosé's; purely for the hat and the houndstooth. I love a good houndstooth print, it does always look expensive, I get what she was going for. What I found disappointing (and I can't believe I'm saying this) Eureka did it better in season 10. I just feel like I've seen this before, and I'm bored of it.

I was also bored by her third look. It was a red mini dress with suspenders. Like, I'm impressed that she made it in a day, but I just wish she'd gone for something more. I'm really not getting all that much from Tina at the moment, and I just keep hoping she'll pull something out, but so far I just haven't been getting what I want.

12. Utica Queen

Hear me out, I loved Doggy Bag. It was so cool! She looked like a dog without putting on a dog costume, there was just enough hints to give us dog, but it was still a really cool and chic look! Which is exactly what a poodle would wear if they were human! I loved it. My one thing about Utica is that she makes these faces that are so bizarre. I think it's her mouth, it takes it past being a runway presentation into being a weird parody, and I don't think she means to do that. She just needs to tone it down a tiny bit.

I loved her little nod to Chicago. I didn't exactly get "money bags" from it, but Utica is very lateral and outside the box, so it was nice to see her interpretation of eleganza. I liked a lot, but I didn't quite love it.

I was gagged on Utica's third look. She made a gown. Out of sleeping bags. And it looked stunning. The shape of it was gorgeous, the train was amazing, the hood into a collar was incredible. Just every part of this look was exactly what this challenge is about. She took plain old sleeping bags, and made them into a beautiful, elegant and fashionable gown. You know where I wish I'd seen this? At the Camp theme Met Gala. It would have been one of the best looks at that Met Gala, and it was one of the best looks on this runway. I think it was by far the best of the looks they had to make. In fact, I think it's one of the best ever looks that was made in the werk room.

I am so glad that I was wrong about Utica in the first week. I think she's amazing. She's campy, and she's funny, and she's weird, but she's also so beautiful, and she's had some incredible looks on the runway.

This week was such a mixed bag (get it?) of looks - I feel like only Mik and Utica had three really good looks, everyone else was really up and down. I think it was definitely the right two queens lipsyncing, but there was a few candidates who could have arguably been the third in the bottom three - Tamisha, Kandy, Tina, Elliott... I can see the argument for all of them. I also think I would have replaced Rosé in the top three with Denali, I just think her first two looks were better than Rosé's.

I dont really want to get into the Kandy vs Tamisha drama; I think Drag Race is a super high pressure environment, I think its inevitable that tensions will run high and queens will argue. The one thing I do want to say is that in untucked, when Tamisha was saying she didn't really like Kandy's attitude, she said (something like) "that's just my opinion, and who am I? Nobody." And honestly, I respect the hell out of that. Because like, of course we're all entitled to our opinions, but that doesn't mean anyone should listen to them. Like, this whole post is just my opinions on stuff, I don't expect anyone to agree with me, or take any of this as fact. I just loved that Tamisha recognised that her opinion, whilst a valid opinion, is not fact and doesn't need to be considered by anyone else. I don't think Kandy recognises that yet, especially given the way she spoke to Elliott. I think that comes with age and experience though. By the way, that's not me saying that Tamisha's right and Kandy is wrong, I'm just pointing out one specific behaviour that Tamisha showed that I don't think Kandy has yet.

Also, I've seen both Kandy and Tamisha getting ridiculous amounts of hate for this one argument, and that's so unacceptable. Sending hate and death threats to queens over their performance on a reality TV show is disgusting, and if you are a person who has done that, you need to take a good look at yourself in the mirror and ideally get some therapy.

10 notes · View notes

bookiemonsterph · 3 years

Text

Geekerella

Synopsis:

Cinderella goes to the con in this fandom-fueled twist on the classic fairy tale romance—now in paperback, with a special Starfield bonus scene!

Part romance, part love letter to nerd culture, and all totally adorbs, Geekerella is a fairy tale for anyone who believes in the magic of fandom. Geek girl Elle Wittimer lives and breathes Starfield, the classic sci-fi series she grew up watching with her late father. So when she sees a cosplay contest for a new Starfield movie, she has to enter. The prize? An invitation to the ExcelsiCon Cosplay Ball, and a meet-and-greet with the actor slated to play Federation Prince Carmindor in the reboot. With savings from her gig at the Magic Pumpkin food truck (and her dad’s old costume), Elle’s determined to win…unless her stepsisters get there first.

Teen actor Darien Freeman used to live for cons—before he was famous. Now they’re nothing but autographs and awkward meet-and-greets. Playing Carmindor is all he’s ever wanted, but the Starfield fandom has written him off as just another dumb heartthrob. As ExcelsiCon draws near, Darien feels more and more like a fake—until he meets a girl who shows him otherwise.

Title: Geekerella Series: Once Upon A Con Author: Ashley Poston ISBN: 1594749477 (ISBN13: 9781683690436) Pages: 336 pages (Paperback) Published: May 15th 2018 by Quirk Books (first published April 4th 2017) Characters: Catherine (Once Upon a Con), Chloe, Calliope Wittimer, Gail Morgan O'Sullivan, Sage Graven, Darien Freeman, Danielle "Elle" Wittimer Setting: Charleston, South Carolina (United States). Atlanta, Georgia (United States) Genre: Young Adult, Contemporary, Romance, Retellings

When I saw that Ashley Poston’s Geekerella was being marketed categorically as “romance,” I got nervous. However, I don’t remember that last time I was so pleasantly surprised by a young adult book — of any genre! I laughed! I cried! I loved!

From start, Poston’s latest is entertaining, heart-felt, and good fun. Geekerella is a stellar combination of Rainbow Rowell’s Fangirl and the 2004 Cinderella Story film (but this time without the hassle of flip phones). Told from the points of view of Starfield-fan girl Elle and Starfield-lead actor Darien Freeman, the narrative leads us through both characters’ emotions, misgivings, experiences, and trials. While Elle’s introduction of Darien — teen soap opera star until his latest gig — is scathing, judgmental, and minimalist, our glimpse into Darien’s world shows strained relationships, terrifyingly overzealous fans, and constant low self-esteem. Elle’s point of view, on the other hand, portrays a young woman between a rock and a hard place (not yet 18-years-old, she can’t leave her stepmother) whose love for and faith in a TV show both inspires her and is very recognizable for other fangirl readers. Plus, she has the best comebacks and makes jokes about being short, and I loved her for all of it.

Geekerella also constructs a sharp-eyed but refreshing modern rendition (reboot, even, if you will) of the classic fairy tale “Cinderella.” In our world, Poston posits, how would a “wicked stepmother” act? How would Cinderella respond? While it has been touched on previously, especially following Kenneth Branagh’s 2015 live-action Cinderella, this version of the story highlights the aspects of verbal and emotional abuse to which the archetypal character is subjected by her only remaining family. In Elle’s case, her stepmother isolates her, blames her, and ridicules her every decision. In the face of this, however, Elle perseveres with the help of Starfield and her own determination to leave when she turns 18. Since this is my favorite fairy tale — the Disney 1950 attempt notwithstanding — Poston’s take was clever, revealing, refreshing, and uplifting in its refusal to look away from these pertinent overtones in the original tale.

Similarly, Geekerella brings the phenomenon of fandom to brilliant life. As a relatively closeted fangirl, Poston’s characters and story made me want to make my geek flag fly a little higher. First, both Elle and Darien are never-ending fonts of nerdy references, trivia, and sayings; all of the above had me laughing out loud several times. Second, in this story, I found, for the first time, all the reasons I tend to gravitate toward fan fiction: It’s a retelling of a favorite story. It follows a budding relationship with all its cute ups and heart-crushing downs. Its female characters are kickass in so many ways and Darien is adorable and devoted. It features a diverse cast — POC and LGBTQ+ characters stand out — that portrays said identities not as distinct or special or noteworthy, but matter of course and a part of the character rather than shock-value. Lastly, its romance is heartwarming, all-consuming, and, dare I say it, cute. Deviating from typical romance plots, Geekerella is not run by the Fate-like wheel of All-Powerful Angst. Instead, Elle and Darien’s relationship, while it has its pitfalls and fights, epitomizes the “pleasant” and “comforting to read” characteristics of what fangirls and boys refer to as “fluff,” complete with lots of adorably “shameless flirting” (like, Darien is so bad at flirting he’s good wow). This genre form of fan fiction is, as mentioned above, often a comfort read, bordering on cathartic, as Geekerella was for me. (Yes, my skin has cleared; my crops are flourishing; and I’m ready to defeat evil aliens and wicked stepmothers, at the same time if need be.)

A story of devotion to and confidence in love, memories, stories, and ourselves, Geekerella revamps the typical “Cinderella” story with fangirling, texting, and selling vegan chimichangas. Poston’s latest young adult book gives insight into self-confidence and self-love for readers of every gender and sexuality. With adorable characters you want to carry around in your pocket and a unique level of diverse representation, Geekerella is a must-read for book, movie, and TV show geeks alike. A final endorsement: This book made my laugh and cry and flail and make ridiculous noises resembling overwhelmed squeaks. I could not put Poston’s Geekerella down!

#once upon a con #geekerella #ashley poston

3 notes · View notes

dlamp-dictator · 3 years

Text

Allen X Wants to Like Guilty Gear Part 1: Allen X Does Not Like Guilty Gear

Folks, I tried. I really tried. For the last few years I’ve tried to like Guilty Gear. I’ve honestly been playing bits of this series since around the time Accent Core was on the PS3 store. I’ve really tried. I’ve played Accent Core Plus R, Xrd, Revelator and Rev 2, and I’ve been trying my damn hardest to like this series because I can see all the cool and fun stuff in it. I can see the cool grungy-rock meets 90s anime aesthetic. I can see how insane and cool Roman Cancel combos are. I can hear all the awesome music in the soundtracks. And I see all the blood, sweat, and tears poured into this series to make it the coolest hard-rock fighting game it wants to be and I really want to like it.

But I don’t... God, it’s Samurai Shodown all over again.

I just can’t get into this series, man. Something, some things about it keep me from fully enjoying it. Mostly some petty things that just add up and tumble the pile over, but things nonetheless.

And... I wanted to talk about that a little.

I wanted to just let out all my love and misgivings for the Guilty Gear in hopes of finally purging all the negative from my being, or at least write it out in a constructive manner so I can lay all my transgressions bare and maybe... possibly... actually want to purchase and play Strive on launch day.

But first, as usual, a synopsis.

The Guilty Gear series is a fighting game developed by Arc System Works, helmed and created by Daisuke Ishiwatari, who I know as the composer of the Blazblue soundtrack, but has quite the large track record that I won’t go into here. Guilty Gear as a story focuses on the lone bounty hunter Sol Badguy, a human experiment known as a Gear, half-human, half monstrous being of science and magic. The storyline of each game tends to focus on Sol finding the humanity in his would-be marks as well as confronting the still-lingering humanity in himself as he copes with both his self-loathing and loathing the for one who made him this way, a scientist simply call That Man, or Asuka as the most recent games have shown us. The storyline itself is long and complicated but as of Strive it seems the final battle between Sol and That Man is finally at hand and the battlefield will be the United States.

Gameplay-wise, Guilty Gear is a fast-paced, combo-centric series that uses chaining attacks that can cancel into special and super moves, along with the unique Roman Cancels, which slow down time and leave your opponent open for more punishment mid-combo. Think the Chain Shift in Under Night with a bit more hangtime if you want a comparison, or the Rapid Cancel of the Blazblue series with a slowdown effect and more flash.

And with the basics out of the way let’s talk about the specifics.

The Good Things

Of course, that isn’t to say I hate this game series. There’s a lot I like and enjoy about the Guilty Gear series that I’ll go into greater detail in a later essay, but for now I’ll give a brief mention of all the things I enjoy about it.

The Music

I was introduced to Daisuke Ishiwatari’s music through Blazblue, and while I love Blazblue music to this day I’ll also admit that it sounds very... video game-y. It doesn’t sound like something that could be listened to from anything other than a game. But Guilty Gear music sounds like actual music. I don’t mean that in an insulting way toward Blazblue, but... man does Pride and Glory sound like something you’d listen to while driving your pickup truck on the highway. Damn, does Get Down to Business sound like something an actual rock concert would play. And the Xrd soundtracks sound so good man. One Dawn, Enough is Enough, Starry Sky, Lily of Steel, they all sound so damn good. And as cheesy and over-the-top as they sound I love the LA and NY Vocals of this series. Personal favorites are Keep Yourself Alive II, Fuuga, and Suck a Sage.

The Aesthetic

If there was one thing I didn’t really like about Blazblue it was a lot of characters, even the ones I mained, had an aesthetic I just couldn’t latch onto. A weird mix of fantasy, eastern, and early-2000s action anime that just didn’t click with me save for Hibiki Kohaku. Guilty Gear is a lot more my speed with a more rugged look to their characters. Something about a lot these characters just have that good mix of grunge and 90s fashion I love. Some of my favorites being Answer, Ramlethal, and Jam.

Tension

While there’s a lot about Guilty Gear’s mechanics I find unappealing and convoluted I love how building and using meter works in this series, specific in Accent Core Plus R. Dust being a sort of EX button works really well in this game since I personally feel like Dust is kind of under-used a lot of the time save for the universal sweep. This point probably won’t get an entire essay covering it, but I did at least want to give it a shoutout.

Setting

This point will be getting its own essay, but to keep things short and simple I like the setting of Guilty Gear, medieval-esque magitech with a dash a modern-world flavor just hits with real well with me. Like a nice mix of Under Night and Tales of Symphonia.

And that’s it for the good stuff, at least the good stuff I can make into later essays. Now let’s talk about...

The Conflicting Things

Really, my issues with Guilty Gear are similar to Samurai Shodown and Granblue Fantasy Versus, where I love those game aesthetically, but actually playing them is another matter. However, unlike those two games my issues are almost the opposite. Where Samsho and GBVS had a slower and more fundamentals approach that didn’t appeal to my cocaine-esque addiction to combo chains, special cancels and air-dashing, Guilty Gear is almost too fast for my taste, or at least a different kind of fast. This is something very hard to explain. If you've read my initial thoughts on Crystar then you have a good idea about what I mean. This is something very hard to explain to people that haven’t played the game and is likely more a technical part of Guilty Gear’s mechanics that I can explain with an real sophistication aside from saying ‘this game feels weird,’ but... I’m gonna’ try.

The Button Layout

Alright, this is something I can actually explain. I’m... not a fan of 5-button fighters. Really, anything more than 4 buttons is hard for me to grasp. This is mostly due to the fact that I use a standard dualshock controller when playing fighting games. I frankly don’t have money for an arcade stick nor the patience to figure our how to work with one, so I’m stuck with the PS4 controller. For games like Blazblue, Granblue, and even stuff like Tekken and Dead or Alive this works out fine, as even when those games have a fifth or six button they usually aren’t heavily involved in combos or can be supplemented by other means. But games like Street Fighter, Skullgirls, and Guilty Gear the fifth and sixth button are used very liberally. Granted, Dust isn’t used as often as heavy punch, but it’s still a key button used for sweeps and air combos, turning my hands into pretzels as a results.

I don’t you dare tell me to just get use to it or get good. I’m a Carl main. I’m used multi-tasking with my hands.

...

Dammit, that came out wrong, but you know what I mean.

Anyway, a smaller issue I have is just the way Punch, Kick, Slash, and Heavy Slash are mapped both on the controller and on the display screen. It just doesn’t mesh well with me where they’re mapped, and switching the button layout honestly makes it worse because the display proper doesn’t adjust for where I map the buttons.

Roman Cancels

Roman Cancels are just a tool I don’t think I’ll ever find a good use for, or at least something that would take me a long time to use optimally. Like I said before, they’re basically Chain Shift with more hangtime, but it feels like the Rapid Cancel in the sense that I have to move very quickly after activating or I outright lose the combo, and unlike Chain Shift and Rapid Cancel where I can just ignore the mechanic, keep the meter, and focus on small, easy combos with good defense, Roman Cancels feel somewhat needed to do decent damage in this game. Or at least the trial mode really thinks so.

From what I’ve seen of Strive’s mechanics I think Roman Cancels will be a little easier for me to conceptualize and use, but... I dunno’, I’m not feeling too confident on that.

I do recognize that this issue is a me problem, but it’s a probably I have nonetheless.

The Look

Specifically on Xrd, something about the 2.5D makes certain movements a little hard to read and judge. This isn’t something I can really describe that well, but something about that game specifically feels weird. Like the cell-shaded, 3D contrasts a little with the feel of motion in that game. I have a similar issue with the recent Street Fighter games as well. Again, it’s nothing concrete and it’s honestly indescribable for someone of my knowledge on the subject, but... something feels awkward when I’m playing this game in a serious light.

The Fandom

This has nothing to do with the game, but tends to create cracks in me when I play this game. As a guy that got into Arc System Works games via Blazblue Calamity Trigger, seeing a lot of the Guilty Gear be demeaning and insulting toward the Blazblue Community has always rubbed me the wrong way and I have a difficult time getting into this series in a more serious way because of it. I know this is likely a vocal minority, I know this isn’t every Guilty Gear fan, but it feels like a vocal side of Guilty Gear community keeps thinking that Guilty Gear is some sort of antithesis to anime air-dashers like Blazblue, as if the grungy rock aesthetic cancels out the anime aesthetic of Blazblue. This has always annoyed me, but it tends to crop up everytime someone brings up Guilty Gear designs versus Blazblue designs and while I find the idea of discussing and comparing the two interesting it always seems to devolve into insulting Blazblue.

Though to give a short version of my opinion this: I don’t want to hear shit about Blazblue waifus when Baiken mains don’t even play Baiken. And I especially don’t want to hear shit about Blazblue’s pandering fanservice when Dizzy, Ram, and Elphelt exist.

About Strive

I think that covers the main things keeping me from liking Guilty Gear, or at least playing Guilty Gear. So I want to talk about Strive, the next game coming up. This will also be something that will be expanded on in a later essay, but for now I’ll say I’m cautiously excited about Strive coming out and I look forward to at least giving it a shot. Though to give some rapid-fire bullet points on the matter...

Overall, I think Strive looks great, the presentations is fantastic and I love a lot of the new designs for the characters, though I hear that opinion is actually contentious in the fandom.

I heard that Strive is gonna’ have a dub again. I’m... curious, but I’ll save my opinions for a different essay. Long story short, if they get a new director or the old director puts more care into the performances I’ll be happy. I did overall like Xrd’s original dub barring a few performances.

So far everything about Strive looks cool, but it’s still Guilty Gear, so... debating on if I wanna’ get that day 1. Especially since I still only have a base PS4. I’ve no interest in getting the new hotness for at least another year and gamers are self-centered demons that mock those using lesser hardware. That isn’t a Guilty Gear thing, it’s just a gamer thing.

For those wondering, if I pick of this game I’ll probably main Chipp, Ram, and maybe Giovanna.

I have mixed feelings about the soundtrack. Save for Smell of the Game the lyrics in the themes I’ve hard are a mix of okay to... not okay. Hope they have versions without the lyrics similar to Raven in Rev 2.

And I think that’s everything. Next... probably another essay about Arknights.

#your dictator is speaking #guilty gear

4 notes · View notes

space-blue · 3 years

Text

The Mummy

'No, really, I don't believe in the whole mummy curse resurrection thing. Whatever medium they're fit in, these stories break my suspension of disbelief in a hurry. If you look at how it's always plotted out, it never makes any sense!'

'You don't believe in necromancy? Second life, reviving the dead?'

'There isn't any belief to hold on that art. It's almost as clean a science as Newtonian physics. But you can't restore a consciousness perfectly even minutes after death, and you can't invest spirit force in an old body, least of all a mummified one! Embalming involves taking out the viscera, including the brain, and turning the flesh into some form of organic resin. Hardly material for raising the dead! No, the real catch I'm talking about, is who buries the doomed mummy, in all these movies. If they want to keep the thing dead forever, might as well burn it. Same goes if the dead doesn't want to be disturbed. Why actually raise from the dead for vengeance? Isn't that a lot of effort for someone who wanted to be left alone?'

'You're making light of many people's beliefs here. Burning the body means no after life. No good believer would do that to anyone.'

'I'm not criticising mummification! Only the cheap thrills people get out of thinking mummies can come back from the dead and "claim" the world–nothing less!–or choke whoever disturbed them in their sleep. They're dead. Nothing to disturb.'

'What of seal magic? Don't you find it on tombs all the time?'

'Oh, sure. Archaeologists struggled with them at the beginning too! It's hard to protect yourself against old magic when the knowledge behind it disappeared, or is preserved somewhere deeper in the very tomb you're trying to break into. A lot of the ancient sealing techniques were forgotten over the centuries you know, stuff that used to be common, like generational decay, body wasting, insect targeting–all gone, until we could piece the knowledge back together and craft counters. But again, seals were a workman's trade, or a priest's speciality. Little to do with the mummy itself. Rich folks didn't have to learn such magic, and once mummified, they really can't care less.'

'You sound very sure of yourself.'

'Oh, this isn't a savant lecture, just my educated opinion, for what it's worth.'

'Well, you're very kind to indulge me with your opinions despite your misgivings on the legitimacy of my very nature.'

'What, are you going to curse me and send scarabs to eat me inside out?'

'Would that I could!'

'And here I thought we were friendly.'

'We are, we are, I am sincerely grateful for your conversation.'

'The best you've had in four thousand years, I bet.'

'I'm still a bit confused with the dates, but yes, about that.'

'Anyway, don't feed the fools any more ideas of you being a mummy. It'll make my reports look messy.'

'I can't help with all the musty bandages and the fact that I was taken from a stone sarcophagus in a tomb built in my name. You truly aren't afraid that working on me might unleash on you some terrible curse?'

'Didn't we just have that entire conversation? Besides, whatever you are, I'm pretty sure you never died. I know what I'm seeing, and whatever this is, it isn't a curse.'

'I beg to disagree. It is one to me. Everyone around me ends up dying...'

'Yeah, living four thousand years tends to do that to your social circle.'

'I'm being serious.'

'You're being talkative. What's with the sudden chattiness? You left me monologuing all day yesterday. Not that I mind or anything, you're alright to talk to, and you sure can listen, and I have little else to do so long as I'm cataloguing, but I hope you realise they sent me here because you wouldn't talk. No way Earl Pence and Fitzwilliam Gerald would let anyone else touch their precious mummy if you hadn't made their life so miserable.'

'These men's grammar was poor and their accent intolerable. Their questions from ignorant to rude. I don't waste time on the rude.'

'Give them a break, your native language is long dead.'

'No one tried to speak Kore before you.'

'No one but initiates speak Kore, and we aim to keep it that way, so don't flaunter yours around. Line powering isn't a mild science like necromancy. The least people know the trade, the better off this world is.'

'What trade is that?'

'The same as yours, I suspect? Unless you're not the one who decided to tattoo your entire body in lines of power designed to engineer perfect, looped regeneration?'

'Is that what you will say in your report?'

'What concern of yours is it? Aren't you The Mummy? Precious property of the Egyptology Society come back to life? Ward of an Earl and a millionaire? Whatever I say in my report, these two won't consider you any less precious for it.'

'Well. I wasn't expecting anyone to understand the nature of my curse this easily. I wasn't expecting much of anything at all, really. I was rather hoping for eternal slumber. This is inconvenient.'

'What.'

'What?'

'What are you sounding all cold footed about? You think I'll actually tell those two lunatics about the true meaning of your tattoos? And spill half of my guild's most precious secrets? Hah!'

'So what are your plans here exactly?'

'Well, first off the Egyptology society paid decent money for my expertise. Then I hoped to discover new, historical tattoos. Add to our repertoire, something to experiment on. I wasn't expecting the key to immortality though–hold on, this might hurt.'

'It's fine. You seem to know what you're doing.'

'I do, but they don't. And it has to stay that way, you feel me? All they want to know is how you came back from the dead, and how your flesh is regrowing over time. They want transcripts of your tattoos, and analysis of their potential meaning. They guess at what it is, but modern power lines look very different. They're thinking about Necromantic related stuff, because they're ignorant.'

'The tattoos are useless without the Kore words to say as you line them.'

'Aha! You are knowledgeable! I knew it. I'd love to talk shop with you. I bet you'd be interested to know how much progress we've covered in four thousand years too.'

'Yes, I am curious. Any other plans for the immediate future?'

'Okay, don't move, this one is the last I need a picture of–right–thank you for your cooperation so far. Now, how about proper introductions?'

'Indeed. Ameon Decarenon, "the ageless", former Korenian Master of the Sun Temple. An honour.'

'Asmilya Nassandi, Korenian Master of the ages-old Korenian Guild, founded over a thousand years ago, while you napped. The honour is all mine, elder.'

'I believe we could learn much from each other.'

'Yes. And so I propose to break you out of this room and bring you back to the guild to discuss as equals, catch you up on history and all the exciting stuff you've missed on.'

'And how do you propose to kidnap me from my rude owners?'

'Can you walk yet?'

'All my joints are stiff, but with help I should manage.'

'Excellent. I assume as well that this empty space on your chest is to draw temporary lines?'

'Indeed.'

'Perfect! The plan goes like this: if I cut a bit of myself like so–please move aside so I can draw there–Ahm Pta Ehum Kish Ossun Ra.'

'You make it grow.'

'Yes. See how the lines have become simpler and smoother? More into the subtle inflection, the width of the line? This slant there makes the growth rate tremendous.'

'I can see that! How big is this blob of flesh going to get?'

'As big as me.'

'Mmh... And then you will use Akto Essum...'

'Akto Min Essum, rather, with a rippled line, so it'll be mostly spray and not enough gore for them to notice the lack of bones or organs. Then... I guess I don't need to teach you how to break a few walls? Invisibility lined on your chest and off we go.'

'You don't mind "dying" in this process?'

'Well, they hired "apprentice Indra", and I don't mind her dying.'

'So... The evil mummy kills the poor guild apprentice and runs away, leaving no paper report to reveal its secrets? Presumably to avenge itself on the world?'

'Yeah I'm telling you, it's a terrible plot, but people dig this stupid shit. Hope you can grow a beard?'

'Four thousand years and you still haven't come up with a power-line to help with that?'

'Please tell me that's not what you buried yourself for!'

'Hah! No. Maybe I was waiting for more exciting times...'

'Yes, well, with our very first evil mummy loose on the world, times are about to get very exciting!'

~~ February 2018 – Theme : Write a story in a subgenre you normally don't like!

#original work #original story #competition #fantasy

1 note · View note

sweet-star-cookie · 4 years

Text

Ideas for a Rewrite of Pixar’s Onward

So I finally watched Onward, unfortunately not in theatres because of [REDACTED] but what can you do? Gotta be honest, it didn’t wow me. :/ The world seemed flat and boring, and a lot of the tropes and story beats felt really played out and done before, even within other Pixar movies. That said, fantasy themed worlds and the potential creativity therein is a topic that is super close to my heart, and even when the trailer dropped for this movie I wasn’t super impressed with what it had to offer. From the setup of the plot itself, I’ll admit that I was skeptical of it from the outset, perhaps a bit more than usual.

I have my issues with the world building of this film from a visual design standpoint as well, but I’ll save that for another time. For now I want to discuss how I would approach rewriting this film to make it an overall stronger product in terms of story and character development. Obviously there will be spoilers for the actual plot of the movie in addition to my thoughts, so fair warning there.

Okay so when it comes to building a new world for your characters, regardless of its themes or genre, it is important to establish how much of that world pertains to the story you want to tell. As in, are you telling a story about the world itself via your characters, or are you telling a story about the characters with this world as a backdrop? It might seem like a small distinction, but a world’s rules (or lack thereof) can easily divert an audience’s focus within a story. I believe the current version of Onward is an example of the latter, but with a few complications of the former that muddles the direction of the plot a bit. The sense of scope for this film seems to go half-and-half instead, but we’ll get to that later. At the beginning of the movie, we are told about how the world of Onward followed more closely with what we would call a fantasy world; wizards, mythical creatures, knights, a magical staff, the works. But in a pretty rapid-fire scene, we are shown how modern technologies began to usurp the use of magic, thus leading to the modern day fantasy world that is the setting for the rest of the film. Despite how quickly this plays out as a sort of prologue for the movie, I do believe this is a fine set up for a movie like this...

If the movie was about the world.

But as we know, it’s about Ian and Barley’s quest to bring their father back, and almost exclusively focuses on their family. This too is a perfectly good setup, but the movie somehow ends up with both, and it leads to a lot more questions than answers as a result. The prologue setup generates a lot of questions about the world itself, such as the use and discovery of magic, that do have an effect later on in the story, but the implementation of magic itself does not have clearly defined rules about who can use it and why. Modern day law enforcement seems to govern this world, yet any use of magic does not seem to have any bearing on that. Magic clearly still exists in this world, but the audience does not know when or how it appears. Where does magic come from? What is the scarcity of it? Can you get arrested for using magic? Do people who use or own magical items get special treatment? Are magical items more valuable and therefore need to be regulated? How common are they? All creatures in this world appear to be inherently magical, or at least possess abilities from their magic-based ancestors, but seem to have “forgotten” those abilities over time. Both the pixies and the manticore have wings, but it seems that only the pixies need magic to use them. Why? Historical landmarks like the one Barley tries to protect in the film are viewed as passive history, no longer holding much significance. And even the manticore��s map is reduced to a placemat at a children’s restaurant, so the preservation of this history does not appear to be a priority for this society. Moreover, these questions also directly correlate to the main protagonists, namely, why can Ian wield magic and Barley cannot? If Wilden (the dad) could or used to wield magic, could Laurel (the mom) do it too? Are their different kinds of magic? Is there a hierarchy to how powerful one’s magic can be? Ian becomes better at using his father’s staff over time in the film, but how he is able to do so via the staff or Barley’s instruction is pretty unclear. Now, all of these are questions are actually ones that wouldn’t need to be answered necessarily, but only if the film reeled itself in a bit and its scope was a lot clearer. Many other fantasy or alternate world stories have a much smaller scope that doesn’t need to ask these questions of the audience when it doesn’t pertain to the story they’re telling. An excess of world building does not matter if it has no bearing on the current story being told. A good example is in Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, where the establishment of toons existing in the real world is the entire crux of the story, but how toons became a part of the real world is not explained, and doesn’t need to be for the direction of the plot and characters. You are introduced to the world with only the information you need, and you are taken through the story with that specific set of information. The progression of the plot does not rely on answering the question of why toons exist in this world, so it does not address it. Onward could have achieved this too, if the film didn’t explicitly ask these unanswered questions within its own plot. If the film focused solely on the Lightfoot family without the prologue, all of these questions about the world wouldn’t need to be answered. This is not a “magic was usurped by technology” story. This is a “how do I get my Dad back?” story. Which honestly begs the question:

Why does this have a fantasy setting?

With how much this film goes half-and-half on the relevance of the world to its characters, the more it seems like a coat of fantasy paint slapped on top of a story that could be told with real humans, or any other kind of creature for that matter. The fact that these characters are elves, pixies, trolls, etc. is inconsequential to the storytelling. Magic aside, if you replaced all of the fantasy races and locations with real-life equivalents, what would change about the story or its progression? In fact, if you removed the idea of magic entirely and replaced it with a series of non-magical challenges that Ian faces on his quest, you would have the same movie, just without the fantasy filter. All of the locations in the movie are not inherently fantastical, the school, the gas station, the tavern, even the vehicles and animals in the film, all have really obvious real-world equivalents, which diminishes the fantasy theme even further. Nothing separates them from these parallels. Even the main magic system is an equivalent to DnD and other tabletop roleplaying games in this world, and isn’t viewed as anything more despite becoming a prominent source of power for the protagonists. Again, having the world take a backseat to the characters is not inherently a bad thing, but if you’re going to take the time to establish how this world began and changed over time, then that has to be relevant to the story at hand in some way, otherwise you’re just establishing something that ultimately doesn’t go anywhere. So how would I fix this? Well, at this point I feel like you’d have to pick one of the two halves that this story tries to weave together: either open up the world and the relevance of magic within it, or focus exclusively on the Lightfoot family and their relationships. If it were me, I’d pick the latter, because to me the best parts of the film were the parts that focused on the family, especially the relationship between Ian and Barley. The world of Onward really isn’t that interesting as it stands, so putting more focus on that without a complete overhaul probably isn’t a good idea.

To start, I would keep the part about Ian wanting to learn more about his Dad, as well as Barley’s memories and misgivings about not saying goodbye to him. This, like most Pixar movies, is the strongest part and serves as the emotional core of the film. Both of them have their individual reasons for wanting to see their father again, and those motivations can move and change over the course of the narrative. But, have Ian tie his own identity to finding his father, as if his father is the one person who can tell him who he needs to be. A missing piece of him that only his father can fill, and this desire becomes more and more desperate as the film progresses and they run closer to that 24 hour time frame. Those earlier scenes about others who knew and admired his father could help corroborate these feelings, where Ian wishes to carry on the legacy of his father. Perhaps Barley could have similar feelings, as if being called a “screw up” throughout his life made him question the legacy of his father and his relationship with him. A “I don’t know who I am + believe in yourself” message has been done to death, but the execution could still make the ending of this film that much stronger. When the climax happens and Ian is unable to see his father before the sunset, THAT is when you want him to have the Act 3 Pixar realization about the overall message of the film, and how he had a father figure through Barley the whole time. Maybe there’s a point where Barley is hanging onto Ian in the rubble and time is running out, and he tells Barley to go see their father while he still has the chance. Have the internal realization be that Ian doesn’t need to see his father to know who he is anymore, as the journey he went on throughout the movie already gave him that answer, thus allowing him to let go and let Barley get his closure instead. Some of these points do exist in the current version of the film, but I feel that this slight reframe could strengthen it enough so that it is a common theme throughout the movie.

The subplot with the mother and Officer Colt is a strange one, further complicated by the inclusion of Corey the manticore as a secondary character, but I think it could have rounded out the story even more with a bit of work. If there really needed to be a stepparent role for this movie, I feel like Corey could have filled that role while also providing the map for Ian and Barley’s quest (I know getting a Disney Gay is like pulling teeth at this point but hear me out). There is a fairly decent amount of time spent in the movie regarding Laurel’s role in protecting her sons, especially when she recruits Corey into finding them. And with the scene at the tavern, Corey already has a decent idea of what the boys are like, which could make for good chances to bond with Laurel. There’s a good line in the movie that I feel really goes under-utilized, where Corey describes the boys’s assertiveness at the tavern. Laurel assumes she’s talking about Barley, but she’s really talking about Ian, and this surprises her. This is a really good way of showing that another’s perception of one’s character is not the whole picture. With the climax reframed to better focus on Ian’s sense of identity, this could have been an excellent line as a lead up to that climax, and for thematic coherence overall. Ian struggles with his identity while relying on others to make it for him, and that extends to his own mother’s perception of him, which changes as the story progresses. Despite that, there doesn’t seem to be a lot of conflict between Laurel and her sons, even when discussing their late father. They’re sad, yes, but ultimately they’re dealing with it okay. They love each other, and despite their differences they have a good sense of solidarity. There doesn’t have to be conflict in that way in every story like this, but her quest to rescue them could have been a good way to bridge that, bringing in a one-two punch of parental resolution at the end.

With this you could cut Officer Colt’s character entirely, in fact I don’t know why both him and Corey are in the film when they seem to fight for the same purpose in the story. His inclusion doesn’t seem to create a rift in any of their relationships outside of mild disdain when he’s first introduced. I genuinely did not know that Colt was officially in the Lightfoot family until the word “stepdad” was used over halfway through the movie. Otherwise I just assumed he was someone who was involved with the family via arresting Barley and had at least a mild romantic interest in his mother. And given the relevance of Wilden and the strength of their prior relationship, that doesn’t paint him in a very positive light at the start. But if you really wanted to keep him, there needed to be a scene that truly solidified that he cared for Ian and Barley. There is very little to suggest what kind of relationship the brothers have with him, other than Colt’s disapproval of Barley’s delinquency, but by the end of the film they’re suddenly on good terms, as if some resolution was made. He doesn’t seem to do much more other than pursue them like a cop would a criminal, and even when Laurel is worried for them, his search still seems to be nothing more than a part of his job, like it was at the start.

Perhaps he could save them from something while they’re on the quest, like when Barley sacrifices his van to make the rocks fall. Maybe it goes wrong and the rocks falling still puts the brothers in danger, forcing Colt to abandon the other officers to save them. The brothers may be surprised at this, but it would have come from a genuine desire to protect them on Colt’s part. If you really wanted to establish even a bit of a connection with the brothers, he could’ve accompanied them on part of the quest, doing things that only he could do to help them, and perhaps having a chance to hash out their relationship with him along the way. I realize that Colt having difficulties connecting with the brothers is a common stepdad trope, but if he was to have any relevance at all, he needed a reason to be there. Ironically, Corey ends up having more interactions with the boys at the tavern than Colt does for the entire film. Overall I feel like there was a lot of missed potential with Onward, and while the emotional core was there like it always is in Pixar movies, I feel like it got skewed a bit along the way, thus diminishing the final emotional punch at the end. There are some genuinely great parts of this movie, especially Ian’s final character resolution with Barley, but the whole is not greater than the sum of those parts, and that saddens me greatly. I’m not sure how much of this was Disney mandated versus Pixar implemented, but I hope they can get their groove back eventually.

#onward #onward spoilers #i know the movie has been out for a while but still #thoughts #long post

7 notes · View notes

pipesflowforeverandever · 4 years

Note

If you can do a quick summary of your hymms of struggle au please? I can't read very well and is really long.

No worries!!! I try to tell people that it’s fine if they don’t read it, since it’s so long. Before I get started here, I do want to let you and some other people that might benefit from it that there’s extensions you can get for Google Chrome that’ll read highlighted text to you! As of late I’ve been using that a lot to read fanfics, since I love listening but I need constant visual engagement (video games, videos, etc). I use “Read Aloud: A Text to Speech Voice Reader” and it does a pretty good job!

I’m also starting a podfic of Hymns which you can find here. There’s only one chapter read so far, but I have friends that are recording future chapters and I’ll be working on recording too, now that my illness woes seem mostly cleared up and I can spend my weekends having fun. I got a brand new mic and I’m excited to use it!

Listening to that much in itself is still- y know- a lot, so don’t worry if none of this appeals to you.

So with that all said and done, here’s the summary you wanted. Kind of obviously, spoilers for basically everything about the story.

(This summary did not turn out quick at all so skip to the bold headers if its too much.)

Hymns of Struggle is an AU I started before chapter 4 with it being based only on the canon of chapters 1-3 of the game. It’s about a college-aged woman who falls into the depths of the studio and comes across the circumstances and characters that Henry did before her. But unlike Henry, she becomes convinced that she’s not going to leave anytime soon. So instead of using her willpower to escape- as Henry did- she uses it to survive the experience, especially in an emotional sense. She meets the monsters of the studio and discovers their humanity, and as she holds out hope for them, their bitter perspectives start to turn, and they began to see hope in her in turn.

Sammy is the first to meet her and treats her not unlike Henry; she is prepared as a sacrifice. However, as the ink demon not only ignores this request but heals her injuries (not really but she’s not dying anymore), Sammy comes to terms with this by begrudgingly taking her as his ward, as the ink demon for whatever reason wants her alive. The woman, of course, sticks with him at first only out of fear and morbid curiosity, but eventually they become friends that have genuine cares for each other. A big plot point is Sammy presenting the ink demon as a god before the woman gets any other impression, and so she’s inclined to view him similarly. The other characters- mainly Alice and the projectionist- have a similar arc with her of reluctance before they view her as empathetically as she views them.

The woman is only named in the fic once Sammy asks, which isn’t for a good 20 chapters or so.

Gingie (within the fic simply called the usual Joey Drew) is the main antagonist of the story. About half way through it’s revealed that he is still alive, and not physically changed like the rest, and that the others don’t know about it. Francine has to decide whether or not it is good for the studio to keep it this way, although Joey makes his misgivings very clear. The fic from the second half on shifts to this walking on eggshells of what it means to care about others- if it ignores other kinds of morality like lying and condescending, or if you have to be able to brave for the worst even if you could have prevented it by said lying and condescension.

This is played out in the fact that the ink demon towards the very end is revealed to be an extension of Joey’s deepest desires. Joey can’t control him- in fact often does the exact opposite of what he wants- but the demon plays entirely off of what Joey really wants. The demon makes sure Alice stays where she should. The demon made Sammy blind without his mask of faith (literally and figuratively). The demon fights the projectionist if he decides to leave his maze and find Francine when she goes missing. Joey doesn’t want anyone to be hurt. He’s afraid of what he’s made- the studio being a curse born out of a desire to see his son Henry again, that ended up swallowing everyone inside the building and trapping them for 80 some years. They’re inside his world, and he knows it’s terrifying. He stays by himself, trying to keep himself calm, to prevent something like with Henry happening again to the others and now Francine, who still has her own body, blood, and soul to keep from joining the disfiguring ink.

With Francine there, Joey’s tension builds. He’s both hopeful, as he watches her befriend the others, and he is very, very afraid. It’s not true, but Joey believes Henry is dead from that visit 30 years after he left. He’s so forlorn he can’t bring himself to find his soul in the ink. As Francine finally finds him- the demon bringing her to Joey against the studio itself (another, slightly more controlled extension of Joey’s emotion)- Joey has to decide on the spot to make up a lie that the studio stole his freedom as it stole Sammy’s memory, Alice’s identity, and Norman’s voice. But of course, he wants to know her too. Francine found lovely things in everyone, helped them remember who they were before the ink…who like Joey wouldn’t long for the same?

But as that becomes more and more true with each of her visits, her curiosity about things that don’t make sense become dangerous in his eyes. After Francine pieces together that something must have happened to Henry and Boris (who has never appeared to her), the ink demon abruptly rips her out of Sammy’s arms and at Joey’s feet, where the old man decides that in order to keep what remains of his family- to keep the studio from imploding on itself- she has to stay with him.

With her upset at this, he breaks down and the walls around his chamber fall apart and the others finally see him for the first time. Alice screams at him as he tries to call her his angel, and Sammy breaks down at proof that his god is not at all who he seemed. With everyone all at once screaming at him, Joey uses the curse to push everyone away from him. The remainder of the story is Francine and her friends Sammy and Alice defeating the ink demon, finding out the truth about Henry, and convincing Joey that he can set everyone free after all. In the resolution, everyone becomes human again, Alice/Susie and Francine have their first kiss, and they find Joey curled up and crying in his childhood home, having to come to terms with the fact that he is still alive even after all he had done.

Joey discovers Henry’s daughter, Linda, is still alive and he visits her in a nursing home. Sammy assures Francine that the eyesight he lost in taking his human form again won’t stop him from making her keep the promise she made of showing him every song he’s never listened to.

The series that takes place after is heavily focused on the studio’s survivors recovering from trauma, forgiving, and learning to enjoy themselves. Francine finds herself the caretaker of a real life Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends, the young matriarch of people waiting for their surviving families to be found and reunited with them.

LONG STORY SHORT:

Sammy makes friends with a young woman he tried to sacrifice. His memories are forcefully blocked and she helps him find them again.

Alice and the young woman gradually fall in love.

Joey is the secret villain who caused the studio to be cursed and transform people into ink. He loves the studio deeply but assumes a parental role that is toxic- and is the reason Henry left long ago.

Francine gets Joey to realize what he’s doing and he sets everyone free into the modern world, where they have to learn how to live again.

OTHER DETAILS:

How the curse happened was that Joey found a spell that would- in his view- reconnect him and Henry forever. The ritual required Henry’s consent and thus failed; it needed a part of him (like hair or blood) and Joey used the first sketch of Bendy instead. This, combined with his mother’s ashes and his own blood, flooded the studio with ink, created the ink demon, and transformed both the building and the people inside it in a symbolic world of Joey’s unstable, tortured emotions.

Joey/Gingie before the studio’s downfall was very jovial and saw the *most* in everyone. He made people want to make him proud, and Joey believed of himself thanks to his mother that he was obligated to only be the best for the world and his loved ones. This results in a mentality that only perfection and ultimate happiness was good enough, which leads him to success and the beloved role of father/grandfather until Henry saw cracks in the man he laid his foundation/life upon and turned tail as soon as it felt unstable for the first time.

The ink demon is in the role of a god. The story is heavily based on Christian/abrahamic views of religion. Joey is the father, the ink demon is the son, the studio is the holy spirit. All the same, yet all different.

The themes are: the importance of names, being empathetic vs being selfishly loving, religion vs faith, and family. Francine is the color pink, Henry is the color blue, Joey/magic is yellow/gold, green represents the world outside and freedom, and black is the ink demon and the curse.

#long post #ask box #hymns of struggle #hymns summary #tak talks #come on down to recording town #batim au #batim #im doing my best to be done bc i can add more but for a summary i shouldnt afdsdsfsfd #im more than willing to answer questions and expand on stuff if you ever want btw #and if you ever want to read just a little but not a lot? any of the drabbles are fine #theyre all about joey and henry being family before shit gets messy #anonymous #Anonymous #writing musings #summary

13 notes · View notes

memorylikeatrain · 3 months

Text

I recently decided to pick up where I left off in my two favourite fics that I had posted to HPFF back in the early 2010s. I started writing these when I was around 17, so you may notice a difference in writing skill and style, particularly in the first 15 chapters of Modern Magic and Misgivings. I had only written the first two chapters of Daisy when I took my long fanfic hiatus, so that one will be less noticeable.

I post to both fanfiction.net and archiveofourown.org, but if you want to see the images I make to accompany each chapter, check out my stories on ao3.

3 notes · View notes

ao3feed-merlin · 4 years

Text

Camelot High - A.K.A Arthur has a sword again.

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/3hf8Tle

by kingsqueensroyalty

In this crossover between Sky High and Merlin, the school is split between Knights and Mages.

Join Merlin on his journey to Camelot High and see how a story of magic, friendship and the past's misgivings will develop.

Can Merlin save Arthur without a prophecy over his head? Will he want to?

Words: 1457, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English

Fandoms: Merlin (TV), Sky High (2005)

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Characters: Lancelot (Merlin), Merlin (Merlin), Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Gwaine (Merlin), Percival (Merlin), Morgana (Merlin), Gwen (Merlin), Elyan (Merlin), Leon (Merlin), Mordred (Merlin), Uther Pendragon (Merlin), Kilgharrah (Merlin), Gaius (Merlin), Will (Merlin)

Relationships: Merlin & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Gwen & Merlin (Merlin), Gwen & Morgana (Merlin), Gwaine & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Morgana & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Lancelot & Merlin (Merlin), Gwaine & Lancelot (Merlin), Merlin & Will (Merlin)

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crossover, magic instead of super powers, lance and gwaine will be best friends, Male-Female Friendship, Developing Friendships

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/3hf8Tle

#IFTTT #ao3feed #fanfic #merlin #bbc merlin

1 note · View note

donnnoir · 5 years

Text

Fool’s Parade...

Fool’s Parade…

Just to alienate devotees and learned adherents of the general schools of esoterica. I am going to air my understanding and misgivings of one of their pillars of modern mysticism, ritual magic and esoteric thought. Aleister Crowley! Doesn’t anyone else outside of true Luciferian / Satanic circles realize he is nothing more than the P.T. Barnum of Satanist. Yes, he obviously comes from a twisted Luciferian Bloodline. He however lacked the appropriate measure of shall we say malice necessary to inherit his station as his birthright entitled him. Has bloodline obsessed as Luciferians may appear; they more fervently believe in the continence of their estate and agendas. Here in America, such rights to inherit have come full circle with regards to estate, house or family as it were. Within many “families” when the head of the household (family) dies, who inherits is left wide open for the most part. What generally follows is a bloodbath as different family factions slaughter each other till one of the faction leaders by shear brutality and spilling enough blood, by killing those who might presume to oppose him. In so doing becomes the Heir Apparent securing the Mantle and Title of Head of Household or even Patriarch. Occasionally these bloodline wars splash out onto the news wires. Despite ever effort to conceal the conflicts and clean up after themselves. At times the utter viciousness of the bloodshed and numbers leak through the cracks out into the at large public news forums. European Families try to be more civilized as to the order and manner of succession. Even within the various branches of any perspective Family tree, thus we have the curious case of Mr. Crowley. He and his circumstance are beyond comical. He wanted recognition and status; he would never have within the Families proper. So to impress the aristocracy of England and Europe he watered down the teachings he had grown up learning; focusing primarily on sexual deviance… Cause; come on now we all enjoy a little leather or latex nun and spanky spanky, you’ve been a bad boy or girl type of naughty sexuality. Although the role playing can be a bit much for my preferences. By repackaging Satanism, Mr Crowley became the consummate showman for his belief systems, at a time and from an appropriate station that the Luciferian hierarchy found it suited their goals. So everyone not directly a part of any Family became indoctrinated to this Satanism Lite version. The various doctrines and beliefs had major make overs, and always with twists here and there making it sound all rather “new age” and “enlightened”. Till we today, dare to conceive of Lucifer as some sort of ante-hero; FUCKING BARF!!! Let alone crediting Crowley with Sexual Magick, Thelemaic religion. True Luciferians are quick to credit Crowley and his “teachings”; because it serves their purposes to do so, at least publicly. Though the reality of their beliefs is far more extreme and malignant. I even have to put up with them trying to pass off their belief systems as being Shamanistic. Granted much of what is presumed to be early Shamanism and its practices are akin to Luciferians with their blood letting and human sacrifice rites and rituals.

Besides call me provincial but any faith or magic based practices that presume that channeling the rape and sodomy of children of either sex is the quickest and most effective means of ascending through levels is depraved. My beliefs quaintly deem such conduct as Epic Failure. In an at best amoral object oriented value system that and worse are not only acceptable, but encouraged. A fact Mr. Crowley openly advocated along with far worse. Peddling his satanism lite version upon the world to garner acceptance to a wider audience. It has allowed and fostered dialogues as to the permissibility of certain depraved or vile conduct. Even so sadly his empirical observations and discussions are fundamentally flawed and mediocre at best. Unless of course you are purely seeking an advocate or rationale for aberrant conduct.

#writers #books and libraries #history #magic #philosophy #conspiracy theory #military industrial complex #mk ultra #the dark one

15 notes · View notes

pikapeppa · 5 years

Text

Fenris/f!Hawke and the Inquisition: Answers

Chapter 19 of Lovers In A Dangerous Time (i.e. Fenris the Inquisitor) is up on AO3 because I had the week off and was SUPER PRODUCTIVE, BOOM.

In which Fenris talks to poor stressy Cullen, then talks to Solas and Cole, and... well. 😬

Read on AO3 instead (~7200 words).

**********************

Cullen paced slowly behind his desk. “I believe Dagna has settled in well. Her contributions to the Inquisition have been remarkable,” he said. “I trust you have seen the weapons she crafted?”

“Yes,” Fenris said. “They’re rather alarming. But I’ve seen no reason to doubt the arcanist’s work. Cole holds the dagger, and Cassandra will wield the sword.” He folded his arms. “I offered the staff to Hawke, but she’s chosen to stick with her usual staff.” What Hawke had really said was that the staff of Aidahn Allied looked ‘fucking disgusting’, but Fenris declined to share that with Cullen.

Cullen’s eyebrows creased slightly. “You gave the dagger to that… to Cole? Is that not… dangerous?”

“No more dangerous than providing him with any other weapons,” Fenris reasoned. He shrugged. “I can’t deny his value on the battlefield. Enemies are unable to predict his actions.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of,” Cullen grumbled.

Fenris twisted his lips wryly. He’d harboured the very same misgivings himself, after all. But after observing Cole’s behaviour during the trip to Crestwood and discussing the matter with Cassandra, Fenris was largely convinced of Cole’s benevolent intentions, even if he was not entirely convinced that Cole’s methods were sound.

Cullen waved a dismissive hand. “More importantly than those weapons, Dagna has discovered a way to defend our people from the insidious effects of red lyrium.”

Fenris raised his eyebrows. “That’s excellent. Go on.”

“Dorian told us about the shards of red lyrium you collected in the dark future.” Cullen stroked his stubbled chin. “The ones that were safe to touch, or reasonably so?”

“Yes,” Fenris said. “They had some sort of coating or wrapping on them.”

Cullen nodded. “We shared that information with Dagna, and she came up with this.” He picked up a small box from his desk and handed it to Fenris.

Fenris opened the box. Inside was a small red charm fixed into a delicate frame of what appeared to be silverite.

“It is a scrap of red lyrium, enchanted to be inert and to… repel the effects of red lyrium, somehow,” Cullen explained. “I am not entirely sure how it works; Dagna could tell you more. In any case, wearing the charm effectively renders red lyrium no more dangerous than regular lyrium.”

Fenris nodded slowly. “So ingestion, injection, or prolonged contact…”

“... will still be dangerous, yes,” Cullen confirmed. “But our people will no longer be at risk of madness by mere proximity. Dagna is in the course of making them en masse as we speak.”

Fenris studied the charm with undeniable relief. It would have an enormous impact on their ability to fight the red Templars. Furthermore, any lingering worries that Fenris had about Hawke getting infected could finally, at long last, be put to rest.

He handed the box back to Cullen. “This is admirable work. I will give Dagna my thanks.”

Cullen took the box back with an unsmiling nod. “We have also discovered leads on Samson’s red lyrium supplies,” he said. “If we find their source, we can we can weaken the red Templars and Samson himself.”

“A solid notion,” Fenris said. “Where do we begin?”

“His caravans are being smuggled along trade roads,” Cullen replied. “Investigating them could lead to where it’s being mined.” He gave Fenris a warning look. “If you confront them, be wary. Anything connected to Samson will be well-guarded.”

Fenris frowned thoughtfully. “There is something I have wondered about. Samson’s armour was liberally studded with red lyrium, from what I could see in Haven. Yet his judgment seemed unimpaired.”

“I know. And that is what worries me,” Cullen gritted. “He and Corypheus both seem to have… subverted its ill effects, somehow, despite prolonged contact with the vile stuff.”

Fenris pursed his lips. “Perhaps they have an arcanist of their own.”

Cullen blew out a sharp breath. “Maker help us if there is another Dagna under Corypheus’s control.”

Fenris raised his eyebrows slightly. Cullen was always rather tense, but he seemed even more edgy than usual. “Is something wrong?” he asked. “Other than the usual, of course.”

Cullen leaned his palms on the desk and bowed his head, and Fenris frowned more deeply. A moment later, Cullen straightened and met his eye. “As the leader of the Inquisition, there is something you should know,” he said slowly. “I… as you know, lyrium grants Templars our abilities. But… it controls us, as well.”

“The Chantry used it to control you, you mean,” Fenris said.

“Precisely,” Cullen said. He folded his arms and turned toward the window. “We have secured a reliable source of lyrium for the Templars here, but I… no longer take it.”

Fenris raised his eyebrows. “A bold decision,” he said cautiously. But an undeniably risky one as well, if Fenris’s readings about lyrium addiction were anything to go by.

Cullen nodded. “I stopped when I joined the Inquisition. It’s been months now.” His gaze drifted over an engraved wooden case on his desk. “After what happened in Kirkwall, I couldn’t…” He trailed off, then turned and met Fenris’s eye once more. “You were there. You saw what Meredith did – what she was making our people do. I will not be bound to the Order or that life any longer.” He dragged a hand through his wavy hair. “Whatever the suffering, I accept it. But I would not put the Inquisition at risk.”

Fenris frowned slightly. “What are you proposing?”

Cullen blew out another breath. “I have asked Cassandra to… watch me. If my ability to lead is compromised, I will be relieved from duty.”

Fenris studied the Commander in thoughtful silence for a moment. “You are in pain,” he said. “The lyrium is gone from your blood, but the effects linger still.”

Cullen eyed him in surprise. “I… yes. That… that is true. But I can endure it.”

Fenris nodded slowly. He’d read a book or two about modern medicine and magical healing, and from what he understood, lyrium withdrawal was a painful process: it could result in aches and searing muscles pains, madness, or even death.

Fenris remembered his shock when he’d first read those books. The painful effects of lyrium withdrawal sounded not unlike Fenris’s own experiences for the first few months after receiving the marks on his skin. It had taken more than a year before he could tolerate more than a gentle touch – not that his discomfort had stopped Danarius’s unwelcome hands. Now, years later, the marks didn’t cause Fenris pain anymore, but their activation was still uncomfortable – like a faint pins-and-needles sensation just beneath his skin. In fact, the feeling was similar to the anchor on his left palm.

I should ask Solas about that, he thought for the umpteenth time. He truly had been intending to speak with Solas about his lyrium marks and the uncanny similarity of his and Cole’s movements in battle, but since returning from Crestwood two days ago, he’d always found himself otherwise occupied.

He pushed the thought aside for now and looked at Cullen. “Try meditative exercises,” he said. “Focused breathing. Focused only on your breath, that is. I have found… it can be helpful if done regularly.”

Cullen’s eyes darted to the tattoos on Fenris’s chin and neck. “Do you… I – that is, have you…?”

“Something similar, I believe,” Fenris said quietly. “Not precisely the same, but… similar enough.”

Cullen’s eyebrows rose, and he swallowed hard. “That is a good idea,” he said softly. “We… Meditation is a major part of Templar training, in fact. It has been years since I practiced it. I… it would be good to return to it in a… different setting.”

Fenris nodded. “Good.” He took a small step back. “Is there any other news?”

“Not at present, no,” Cullen said. He bowed slightly. “Thank you, Fenris. I appreciate the advice.”

Fenris nodded again and turned toward the exit. But before he left Cullen’s office, he glanced at the Commander once more.

Cullen was sitting in his chair and poring over the reports on his desk with a frown on his face. Now that Fenris thought of it, Cullen was probably the only person in the Inquisition that he hadn’t seen taking some sort of leisure time since he and Hawke had returned from Crestwood. Well, Cullen and Leliana, perhaps.

Fenris thoughtfully drummed his fingers on the door for a moment. “Cullen.”

Cullen looked up. “Yes?”

“Dorian told me that you play chess,” Fenris said.

Cullen scoffed. “That mage beat me one time and has never let me forget it,” he muttered.

Fenris almost laughed, but he forced his face to remain neutral. “I challenge you to a game sometime. If you can find the time.”

Cullen’s eyebrows rose, and he smirked. “A challenge, you say?” He leaned back in his chair. “You’re on.”

Fenris smirked as well and leaned against the doorjamb. “You seem reasonably confident. Are you a betting man?”

Cullen’s smirk broadened, and he chuckled. “Not with you. Your soon-to-be brother-in-law told me that you cheat.”

“My soon-to-be brother-in-law should check his facts,” Fenris drawled. He pushed himself away from the doorframe. “I only cheat for the benefit of my soon-to-be wife.”

Cullen laughed again. Fenris left his office, then made his way along the battlements. He really should speak to Solas now; there was no excuse, and he was on his way there anyway, but Fenris couldn’t help but drag his feet just a little as he approached the rotunda.

Solas was standing at his desk poring over a very thick tome. He looked up with a distracted frown as Fenris entered the room. “Fenris,” he said. “How can I help?”

“I wanted to ask about Cole’s abilities,” Fenris said. “And… mine, I suppose,” he added reluctantly.

Solas’s frown cleared. “Certainly,” he said. “I am happy to answer.”

Fenris shifted his weight to one hip and folded his arms. “How does Cole move the way he does? Melting out of sight and reappearing an instant later?”

Predictably and annoyingly, Cole suddenly appeared beside Solas. “I want to move, so I do,” he said.

Not particularly helpful, Fenris thought. He looked at Cole. “Are you entering the Fade when you move like that?”

Cole shifted his weight dreamily from foot to foot. “Shifting, sliding, skimming on the edge. It’s softer there. Quick and unexpected, like slipping on ice, but on purpose.”

“Is that a yes or no?” Fenris demanded.

Solas smiled faintly. “It is not as simple as yes or no,” he said. He stroked his chin thoughtfully. “Do you recall when I asked you about your movements on the battlefield? The explanation you gave to me?”

“That is why I am asking you this,” Fenris said, with a hint of impatience. “Cassandra… we noticed that the way Cole and I phase across the field of battle is similar. I have never known anyone else who can do what I do, but… Cole obviously does not have lyrium marks. And I am obviously not a spirit.” He waved between himself and Cole. “What is the connection?”

Solas eyed him for a moment longer, then clasped his hands behind his back. “I believe what Cole is saying is that he is not quite moving into the Fade, but grazing its very threshold. He is taking advantage of the unique properties of the Veil to move from place to place without being seen.”

Fenris narrowed his eyes. “So he is moving undetected by touching the Fade, but not entering it,” he said carefully.

Solas smiled. “That is a good approximation. And it does not sound dissimilar to what you do, yourself.”

“How can he – how are we able to move instantaneously?” Fenris asked.

“You must remember, time is subjective in the Fade,” Solas explained. “It does not march past us moment by moment as it does in this world. In the Fade, time moves in ebbs and flows. That is why dreams can often seem both interminably long and agonizingly short at once. It is why you can close your eyes for an instant and feel like you have slept for a month.”

His expression was more animated and enthusiastic than Fenris had seen in some time. Fenris grunted and folded his arms. “I see. But what relevance does that have to these marks on my skin?” He gestured at himself.

Solas’s smile faded. “Well, Cole is a spirit, and as such, he has a natural connection to the Fade.” He idly traced a finger along the edge of his tome, then carefully closed it. “The use of lyrium is another means of accessing the Fade.”

“But only for mages,” Fenris said. “Their natural access to the Fade is exploited through the use of lyrium.”

“Yes,” Solas said. “That is true.”

Fenris frowned at Solas’s neutral tone. “But I am no mage,” he said slowly.

Solas looked at him and didn’t reply.

A chill trickled down Fenris’s spine. The implication in Solas’s words, and now in his silence…

Fenris’s heart jammed itself into his throat. He was suddenly remembering something that Cole had said on the way to Crestwood: that Varania was jealous because Fenris was ‘mired in magic’. Fenris had thought Cole meant the lyrium marks on his skin, but perhaps he’d meant something different altogether.

Then he remembered something else: the unnerving fact that he could feel the particular qualities of a mage’s barriers, but Cassandra and Varric could not. The strange revelation had been abandoned in the urgent rush when Haven fell, but now that Fenris was thinking about it again...

There was a buzzing in his ears. The ugly implication was looming closer, more threatening and terror-inducing than the avalanche that had nearly swept him away in Haven.

He glared at Solas. “I am not a mage.”

Solas nodded once. “You are not a mage, no. Not anymore.”

Fenris stopped breathing. Solas held up a hand. “Fenris, be calm–”

Fenris stepped away from him and bumped into Cole. “It’s all right,” Cole said gently. “Quiet, kept, controlled in your skin. You can use it to hurt, but it can’t hurt you.”

He spun on Cole. “Did you know this all along?” he snarled. “You… you knew this and you didn’t tell me?”

Cole rubbed his hands together anxiously. “It would hurt you. It is hurting you now.” He looked askance at Solas.

Solas shook his head. “Fenris needs to understand this, Cole. It is better that he know the truth.”

“What truth?” Fenris snapped. “Tell me exactly what you mean.”

Solas folded his hands behind his back. “It is my belief that you were once a mage, and one of considerable power,” he said quietly. “But in the process of receiving those unique markings, you were stripped of your magic, not unlike what is done to a Tranquil. Unlike a Tranquil, however, your magic was channelled into the lyrium marks that are branded in your skin.”

“Why?” Fenris croaked. “Why…” He trailed off and didn’t finish the question; he already knew the answer.

Solas verbalized his thoughts anyway. “Control,” he said, softly and succinctly. “The lyrium marks, and the resultant loss of memory, gave your former master an extremely effective means of controlling you.” He sighed and bowed his head. “I am truly sorry, Fenris. I can only imagine what you are feeling right now.”

Fenris dragged in a breath and rubbed his mouth with a shaking hand. He took another step away from Solas and Cole.

“You’re the same,” Cole said reassuringly. “It was a seed, sleeping and silent, and you didn’t know. It doesn’t need to grow if you don’t want it to. It can stay a seed.”

“That is Fenris’s choice, Cole,” Solas said quietly. “Either way, he deserved to know.” He looked at Fenris once more. “Knowledge is power,” he said quietly. “You have shown yourself capable of handling both.”

Cole took a step toward him, and Fenris held up a hand. “Don’t,” he hissed. “Leave me be. I don’t need your help.”

Cole ducked his head. “I’m sorry,” he said. Then he disappeared.

Fenris turned away and ran a hand through his hair. Then Solas spoke in a very soft, calm voice. “I know this is not what you wanted to hear. But with understanding comes control.”

Fenris glared at him. “I have control already,” he retorted.

Solas tilted his head slightly. “Then why did you ask about Cole? About the markings on your skin?”

“I... wanted to know,” Fenris rasped. “I wanted answers. For all the good that has done me,” he added bitterly.

To his surprise, Solas smiled. “Good,” he said softly. “Curiosity. A thirst for knowledge.” He clasped his hands behind his back once more. “Always an admirable trait.”

Fenris scoffed in disgust and turned away. Then Solas spoke again, and his voice was closer. “You are angry now. But when you have had time to think, you may have more questions, and I would be happy to talk some more.”

“No,” Fenris said. He stepped away from Solas. “No more talking. I… have had enough of talking. I–”

“Hello, Fenris.” He jumped as Leliana’s voice drifted into the rotunda, followed by the spymaster herself as she descended the stairs. “Josephine and I have been looking for you. Do you have a moment?”

He took a deep, calming breath. “Yes,” he said. At this point, he would take any excuse to escape this conversation. Without saying goodbye to Solas, he followed Leliana out of the rotunda and into the Great Hall.

Hawke was standing with Carver at the end of the hall, near the Inquisitor’s throne. To Fenris’s surprise, Leliana gestured to the Hawke siblings. “Wait with Hawke and Carver for a moment, please?” she said. “I will fetch Josie from her office.” She wafted away.

Fenris numbly drifted toward Hawke and tried to hide the agitation that was roiling in his chest. Carver was talking, and Hawke looked as though she had something bitter in her mouth and was trying her best to hide it. As Fenris approached them and heard Carver’s topic of conversation, he instantly understood why Hawke looked so uncomfortable.

“... the ones that pass the Harrowing, you know?” he was saying. “It’s something to celebrate. Some of the nicest parties we had at the Circle were after a successful Harrowing. Nice for the mages and the Templars, I mean. At least I think so. We didn’t really talk to the mages, of course, because we weren’t allowed, but–”

“Fenris!” Hawke blurted. She perked up as he drew near, but her expression instantly fell into dismay when she caught sight of his face. “What’s wr–”

He shook his head sharply. He couldn’t talk about it now, not with Carver present, and not in public like this.

He ignored her worried expression and turned to Carver. “I hear you’ve given me a reputation for cheating,” he said.

Carver’s mouth dropped into an ‘o’ of surprise. “What?” he said blankly. Then his face lit with comprehension. “Oh, you mean to Cullen?”

“Yes, to Cullen,” Fenris said. “He refuses to place bets on a chess game with me.”

Carver smiled, then folded his arms. “It’s for your own good, really. Commander Cullen was the best chess strategist in the Kirkwall Circle.”

Hawke scoffed. “Chess? Really? I bet those parties in the Circle were a real fun time.”

Carver scowled. Then Josephine and Leliana appeared.

Leliana was holding a lute, of all things, and Fenris raised an eyebrow. “Is this a wedding-related matter?” he asked.

Hawke smirked. “No,” she said. “It’s worse.”

Fenris shot her a quizzical look, but Josephine spoke next. “Fenris, can you dance?”

He turned and stared at her. “What?”

Leliana stepped in. “Empress Celene’s masquerade is in two weeks,” she said. “It will be very important to get the approval of the court if we wish to influence events to our advantage.”

Fenris folded his arms and eyed her shrewdly. “I thought the point of this charade was to prevent an assassination and stop a madman from taking over Orlais,” he said.

“Of course it is,” Josephine said. “But if we do not present ourselves well, our hands will be tied. We will be unable to move freely through the ball to ensure that we have all the information we need to stop the conspirators.”

Fenris sighed and rubbed his face. Well, he’d wanted a distraction, and this was very distracting indeed. “So you’re saying that in order to stop an assassination, you need me to learn to dance,” he said flatly.

Hawke patted his arm sympathetically. “I told them you don’t dance, but they wouldn’t hear it.”

“Dancing is crucial at a formal function such as this,” Josephine insisted. “The dances are so much more than just that. They are opportunities for conversation, for listening in to secrets–”

“– and for observing even the subtlest hints of behaviour,” Leliana put in. “The position of a lady’s hand on a gentleman’s shoulder can tell you the nature of their relationship. The way a lord bows at the end of a dance can tell you the state of his family’s fortune.”

Fenris curled his lip and looked at Hawke. “I am going to hate this cursed function, aren’t I?”

“Yup,” she said. She squeezed his hand. “But I’ll be right there with you.”

“Actually, Hawke,” Leliana said, “we were rather hoping you would–”

“Hawke goes with me,” Fenris said roughly. “We go together, or not at all.”

Leliana bowed her head slightly. “I was simply going to suggest that Hawke remain in the public areas while you do any… investigations that may be necessary. She is a celebrity, after all, and a notorious one at that. Drawing attention to herself may actually divert attention from your absence. If your absence is necessary, of course.”

Fenris narrowed his eyes at her. He was getting the impression that this ‘masquerade’ was going to be far more than just a formal ball.

He glanced at Hawke, and she shrugged affably. “If my loud mouth and glittering personality can be of use, then I’m happy to help,” she said to Leliana.

“Wonderful,” Josephine said. She turned to Fenris in a businesslike manner. “Now there is only the matter of your dancing prowess, so to speak. Since your experience is… limited,” she said delicately, “we decided that some lessons are in order.”

Fenris frowned. “Lessons?”

“Yes,” Josephine said. “Leliana will play the lute, and I will demonstrate with Ser Carver.”

Hawke smiled at Fenris. “I have no helpful role. I’m just here for the show.”

Then Carver cleared his throat. “It’s… you can call me Carver, Josie. I mean – Josephine.”

Fenris glanced at him. His neck was turning a telltale pink.

Josephine smiled and nodded. “Of course. And you may call me Josie, if you prefer.”

Carver’s neck went red, and Hawke bit her lips. Fenris, meanwhile, scowled at Josephine and folded his arms. “And just where were you planning to conduct these lessons?”

“Here in the Great Hall, of course,” she said. “It’s the perfect–”

“No,” Fenris said flatly. “Absolutely not. We will go somewhere more private.”

Josephine looked askance at Leliana, who shrugged and folded her hands behind her back. “We could use the stables,” she said. “Or perhaps the annex, if we ask the quartermaster to leave…”

“Or our chambers,” Hawke piped in. “Right, Fenris? They’re big enough.”

Fenris pursed his lips. He didn’t particularly want all these people in the bedroom he shared with Hawke, but she wasn’t wrong; it was the most private alternative. “Fine,” he grumbled. “Upstairs, then.”

Some time later, Fenris and Hawke were sitting on the couch in their bedroom while Leliana played the lute and Carver and Josephine danced. Fenris was studying Carver’s posture and movements carefully; truly he was. But he also couldn’t ignore the goofy smile on Carver’s face as he turned Josephine on the floor with only the occasional misstep.

Leliana’s song eventually drew to a close, and Carver and Josephine stopped in a graceful pose. They broke apart, and Josephine curtsied to Carver, who bowed slightly awkwardly in return.

Josephine turned to Fenris with a smile. “That was a basic waltz,” she said. “It’s the most crucial type of dance, and the most common.” She held out her hand. “If you would, Fenris, I suggest you practice with me, to learn the motions.”

Fenris studied her hand with sudden wariness. Somehow in all the watching, it hadn’t occurred to him that he would have to touch Josephine. Or any other number of strange women at this formal function, for that matter.

Hawke, as always, immediately understood his discomfort. “Maybe I can practice with Fenris, Josephine,” she said hurriedly. “I’m a fair dancer myself.” She started to rise from the couch, but Fenris took her arm.

He turned toward her. “Hawke, it’s all right,” he whispered. “I… I need to practice this if I am to do it in public. I might as well start with Josephine.”

“Are you sure?” she murmured. “I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

Her expression was worried, and he knew she was thinking not just about this, but about his obvious upset from earlier.

You’re not a mage. Not anymore. Solas’s unintentionally damning words rang in his ears, and he swallowed an inconvenient surge of distress.

“It’s all right,” he repeated. Then he released her arm and stood up. “Josephine, if I may have this dance,” he said.

Her face lit up, and she clapped. “Oh, Fenris, that was perfectly polite! Yes, of course.” She curtsied deeply. “It would be my pleasure.”

He stepped toward her and gingerly placed one hand at the center of her back just below her shoulder blades, then – with no small amount of reluctance – he took her hand in his.

“A more confident grip, please,” Leliana called out. “I can see your hesitation.”

Fenris scowled slightly and adjusted his hands. Then he began to turn Josephine to the music in his best possible imitation of what Carver had done.

He soon realized that he was better off if he didn’t think about what his feet were doing, and if he just listened and moved to the reliable rhythm of the music instead. He focused on the lilting notes of Leliana’s lute as he and Josephine moved around the floor, and by the time his discomfort was finally starting to ebb, the song was over.

He quickly released Josephine and bowed, then looked at Hawke.

Her mouth was open. She snapped it shut when he looked at her. “Wow,” she said.

“Indeed,” Leliana said. Her voice was rounded with satisfaction as she put the lute aside. “It appears that we have a natural dancer on our hands.”

Fenris raised an eyebrow. “I suppose I should be pleased that this was not too terrible.”

“You were fucking gorgeous,” Hawke said. She was grinning now. “How have you been holding back on me all this time?”

Fenris shot her an exasperated look as Josephine clapped her hands. “You really did very well!” she said. Her face was brilliant with happiness. “Oh, this is wonderful. This will be easier than I expected. If you don’t mind, Fenris, we should try another dance, learn as many as you can before you must leave for Halamshiral–”

“Not today,” Fenris interrupted firmly. “I… I will practice this dance with Hawke. But I cannot learn another right now.”

Josephine nodded. “I understand. Practicing will be a great help, nonetheless. We will speak with you later.” She nodded and smiled at Carver as well. “And thank you, Carver, for your assistance.”

“You’re – of course, no – happy to help,” he stammered.

Josephine’s smile widened, and she and Leliana left.

Hawke rose from the couch and sauntered over to her brother. “So, Carv…”

He sighed loudly and rolled his eyes. “Don’t start.”

She lifted her hands innocently. “I’m not starting anything! I’m just saying, Josie is lovely–”

Carver glared at her. “Rynne, just shut it, all right? Just because you flirt with anything on two legs doesn’t mean I can do it. You bugging me about every girl I look at isn’t going to make it any easier for me to make a move.” Then his face went red. “Not that I want to make a move on… because I don’t,” he said defensively. “She’s just… nice, that’s all.”

“Yes, she is,” Hawke said seriously. “Josie is nice. She’s smart and gorgeous and sweet as fucking honey. She’s like a storybook princess. She could stand to be swept off her feet by the perfect gentleman.” She gave him a pointed and serious look. “She would be lucky to be swept off her feet by a nice boy like you. That’s all I wanted to say.”

Fenris raised his eyebrows. That wasn’t what he’d expected. From the fading scowl on Carver’s face, it wasn’t what he’d expected either.

Carver dropped his gaze and cleared his throat. “Thanks, Rynne.”

“You’re very welcome,” she said. Then she pinched his cheek. “Now get out of here. Fenris and I need to practice dancing, and you’re being a gooseberry.”

Carver tutted and rolled his eyes, then nodded farewell to Fenris. “You did great,” he said. Then he left their chambers as well.

Fenris looked at Hawke. “Impressive,” he said. “A compliment to your brother without a backhanded–”

“Fenris,” she said. Her expression was completely serious. “Tell me what happened earlier. You looked absolutely haunted.”

He stared at her, then dropped all pretense of normalcy. He sank onto the couch and buried his face in his hands.

The couch shifted as she sat beside him. She wrapped one arm around him and tugged gently at his wrist. “Fenris, speak to me,” she pleaded. “Don’t do that thing where you bottle it up. Tell me what’s wrong.”

He drew a deep breath as the conversation with Solas and Cole came crashing back in. He dragged his hands over his face, then looked at Hawke. “I was speaking with Solas and Cole,” he told her. “They – Solas said…”

He took another deep, shuddering breath. “He said I was a mage, Hawke,” he rasped. “Before Danarius branded me with these marks. He… he said I was a mage.”

His voice cracked, and he swallowed hard and covered his face with one shaking hand. Then Hawke’s arms were around him, pulling him toward her, and he pressed his face against her neck.

Her palm was warm as it cradled his cheek. She pressed her lips to his ear. “I’m sorry, Fenris,” she whispered. “I… I’m just… so sorry.”

He gripped her wrist and breathed hard against her neck. He felt betrayed somehow, betrayed by his own body: this body that felt like it belonged to a stranger for so long. From the moment he’d woken in an agonizing haze with these cursed marks on his skin, he’d felt like he was living in a disconnected vessel – a painful, ruined vessel that carried his damaged mind. It had taken years for Fenris to feel like he belonged in his own skin, years that he primarily attributed to Hawke’s patient and caring touch. But now, to know his body had naturally carried that force that he so abhorred? That he was once the very type of person that he’d hated for so long?

He squeezed his eyes more tightly shut to ward back the burn of tears. Then something odd occurred to him.

He pulled away from Hawke’s embrace. “You… you don’t seem surprised about this,” he said.

Her expression was sad and slightly apologetic, and it sent a fresh thump of anxiety through his chest. “I suspected this might be the case,” she said gently.

“You did?” he said sharply. His heart was starting to race. “Since when?”

“Since that conversation we had about the barriers, back in Haven,” she said. “I wasn’t sure, but–”

“Did you talk to Solas about this?” he demanded. His heart was thumping in his ears now, and his sense of betrayal was twisting, turning its focus from himself to her.

“Of course not. You know I would never do that,” Hawke said.

Her expression was becoming cautious now, but Fenris didn’t care. He shoved himself up from the couch and began to pace. “Who else has been thinking this?” he snapped. “Dorian? Fiona? The blasted mages in that tower of yours? Have you all been sitting there, sneering at me behind my back for my hypocrisy–”

“No,” Hawke said loudly. She rose from the couch. “If anyone else has been hypothesizing about this, I haven’t heard it.” She folded her arms and shifted her weight to one hip. “Besides, the mages have all been a little busy studying rift magic and demons and, you know, ways to avoid possession.” She tapped her chin. “There’s an Orlesian apprentice who’s trying to develop a quick-bake macaron recipe with magic, but that’s neither here nor there.”

Her tone was heavy with humour. Fenris spun on her, ready to shout that he wasn’t in the mood for her blasted jokes, but something stopped him.

Her lips were lifted in a smile, but her expression was worried and a little bit hurt. The pained smile on her face, the teasing humour in her voice, his own overwhelming rage… there was a sense of deja-vu to this, a throwback to the past before they’d really known each other – back when Hawke’s only way of coping with him was to make incessant jokes, and Fenris’s only way of coping with anything was to rage and rant at the one person who would always forgive him.

But this wasn’t the past. They weren’t those people anymore. They knew each other intimately now, and Fenris knew better than to release the wrathful words that were writhing on his tongue. He may have failed and lashed out at her during that blasted fight with Merrill two years ago, but Fenris couldn't make that same mistake again.

He turned away and rubbed his mouth. The silence was deafening and heavy, but Fenris couldn’t fill it, not until he found words to say that wouldn’t hurt her.

She slowly stepped around in front of him. “Nobody thinks you’re a hypocrite, Fenris,” she said quietly. “Nobody would think that. You didn’t ask for any of this.”

“But I did,” he blurted. “I… Varania said so. She said I competed for these marks. I wanted them!” He gestured angrily to his arms. “I wanted to be marked this way. So I must have known what I was.”

“Varania also said you competed for those marks to set her and your mother free,” Hawke said firmly. “She admitted that herself. You didn’t get those marks for the power. You got them for your family’s freedom.”

He shook his head, and Hawke stepped closer to him and took his face in her hands. “That lyrium branding ritual might have taken your memories and your magic, but it didn’t change who you are,” she said. “I’m sure of that. You’re the same person, whether you used to be a mage or not. This doesn’t really change anything.” She stroked his cheek and stared fiercely into his eyes. “Listen to me. If you were still a mage, you would be the kind of mage you admire. You’re strong and humble, Fenris. If you still had magic of your own, you would still be that way. You’re the same person you always were. This doesn’t change that.”

He gazed back at her with rising distress. Cole had said something similar: you’re the same, he said. But Fenris didn’t feel the same. Nothing felt the same. In the space of an afternoon, of a single conversation, it felt like everything had changed. More than the mark on his hand, more than becoming the Inquisitor, this new piece of information – I used to be a mage: this was the thing that shook him the most.

A tear streaked down his face, and he hastily wiped it away. Then Hawke’s arms were surrounding him once more.

An ugly sob burst from his throat. He gripped her tightly and buried his face against her shoulder, and she stroked the back of his neck. “Hey,” she crooned softly. “It’s all right. It’s going to be all right.”

You don’t know that, he thought. Nothing had been all right since the moment this whole mess had started. Dead darkspawn were coming back to life and claiming to be gods, and the existence of the Maker was being contested, and demons were trickling through the Veil like a dam fit to burst, and everyone thought Fenris would be the one to fix it with this cursed fucking anchor on his hand. But how was he supposed to fix anything? He was a man with a fractured past. A former mage who hated mages on principle – or used to, at least. He didn’t know who he was. How was he supposed to know how to fix anything?

He sobbed again, then pressed his lips together hard. He didn’t want to pour this out on Hawke; he knew she was scared, scared about the state of the world and scared for him, and the last thing he wanted was to add to her burdens.

She hugged him more tightly still. “Don’t you dare,” she whispered. “Don’t push this down, Fenris. Let it out. You’ll feel better, I promise. You know I always feel better after a big huge bawl-fest. I look like garbage afterwards, but I feel fucking wonderful.”

He attempted to laugh, but it backfired; suddenly the tears were pouring down his face, and he was shaking and barely able to catch his breath. Hawke pulled him over to the bed and pushed him down to sit on its edge, and he blindly pulled her close.

He wrapped his arms tightly around her and buried his dripping face in her shirt. She hugged his shoulders and stroked his hair. “Make a mess of this shirt if you need to,” she murmured. “I don’t mind. It’s my least favourite one.”

He choked out a half-laugh, half-sob. “Shut up, Hawke,” he mumbled.

She chuckled and kissed the top of his head, and then she just held him in silence and combed her fingers through his hair as the tears poured from his eyes and soaked into her ill-fated shirt.

Some time later, when the front of her shirt was sodden and his breathing was even and calm, he loosened his grip on her waist. She carefully pulled away from him, then sat beside him on the bed and stroked his back. “Better?” she murmured.

He shrugged and roughly wiped his face. He wasn’t sure if he felt better, exactly; he felt utterly exhausted and a little bit numb. But perhaps that was better than the anxiety and the rage from earlier today.

“I don’t know,” he said honestly. “I… I don’t know what to make of this, Hawke.”

She nodded, and they were quiet for a moment longer. Then she bumped his shoulder gently with hers. “Well, if you want to talk about it, I’m always here.”

“I know,” he said quietly. Then he sighed. “Solas also offered to… to talk about it further. But I don’t… I am not… I don’t want to talk about this. Not now.”

She nodded again, then gently kissed his shoulder. “That’s fine,” she said. “And, I mean… since it’s… what’s done is done,” she said carefully. “So you could just put it behind you, if you want.”

“That’s what Cole suggested,” Fenris said. “Or… that’s what I believe he meant. I can’t be certain what the blasted demon means half the time.”

Hawke chuckled, then bumped his shoulder playfully. “Well, it looks like Solas and Cole have it covered. I suppose you don’t need me after all.”

“No,” Fenris said seriously. He turned to her and took her hands. “You are what I need.” He stroked her hands with his thumbs. “This… this cursed knowledge is a weight. It… all of it is an insufferable weight. I am only standing tall because you are standing with me.”

Her jocular expression softened, and she leaned forward to press her forehead to his. “I’m the same,” she whispered. “I’m… Maker’s balls, I’m not happy we’re here, but I am glad we’re here together.”

She nuzzled his cheek, and he sighed and closed his eyes. Moments later they were stretched out on the bed, their limbs tangled together and his face pressed against her chest once more, and the exhaustion was creeping in and pressing on his eyelids.

He sighed and slid his hand under her shirt to feel the comforting heat of her back, and she caressed his neck and hair. “Have a nap, Fenris,” she whispered. “You need it. I’ll wake you up in an hour or so.”

“All right,” he mumbled. He nestled his face against her chest and tried to let his tired mind go blank. There was so much uncertainty to deal with: how to kill Corypheus, and what the Grey Wardens were doing out in the Western Approach, and what exactly this blasted Orlesian ball would entail. He’d always been uncertain about his own past, and he thought he’d come to terms with that. But now that he had answers – answers he did not like – he felt even more uncertain than before.

But through it all, like a shining beam of light cutting through the murky darkness, there was one thing he could be certain of: that Hawke would always be by his side.

Her fingers pressed gently on his scalp, and her familiar scent of sandalwood filled his lungs. Comforted and carried by her presence, Fenris finally closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep.

21 notes · View notes