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naomihatake · 6 months

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In search of freedom (Ch. 6)

6. Where are you when I need you the most?

⠀⠀➺ fic masterlist

⠀⠀➺ Chapter 5 ; Chapter 6 ; Chapter 7

⠀⠀⠀⠀She's been searching for freedom her entire life and everytime she thought it was laying right in front of her eyes, she was mistaken. She was running around the East Blue, seeking herself and her dreams, meeting people she never forgot. No matter how much she traveled, she could only catch a glimpse of peace before realizing everything would crumble at her feet.

⠀⠀⠀⠀Maybe it was destiny that brought her on that ship with three strangers — foolishly, that's what she tried to believe when the moon shined beautifully and hope settled in her chest, squeezed by the same ribcage where feelings were blooming.

Pairing: female!reader x OPLA Zoro Roronoa

Warnings for this chapter: angst, graphic depictions of deaths and fatal wounds, vomiting, self-harm, brief suicidal mention, canon-typical violence. (proceed with caution since it's getting a tiny bit gore)

Word count: 9,1 k (I'm proud of myself tbh)

Theme song: fic spotify playlist (click on the link)

A/N: I'm sorry for appearing with a new chapter 9 days later and I hope the wait was worth it. I dropped more details about the Witch's past in this chapter and some interesting interactions with her other crewmates. The next week I'm free, which means there's a chance I might most two charters until next Sunday <3.

I'm always open for opinions and comments. Whatever you want to tell me, just do it, even all you feel like doing is leaving a heart in my comments or inbox. Every interaction is appreciated and thank you so much for sticking to this story till now <3

The reader is referred to as "Witch" because I have no intentions of using "Y/N".

A warm palm touched her shoulder and squeezed reassuringly, but with no effect. The witch turned her head towards Luffy, her glassy eyes betraying her. It made their captain frown with worry. The sound of her real name slipping from between his lips stung worse than expected.

"It'll be alright," he smiled. "Zoro is a strong swordsman."

With horror painting her features, she shook her head and placed her shaking hand over his, gripping gently.

"You don't get it, Luffy, do you?" her voice came out like a whisper. "It's not just any dwell and that man isn't just any swordsman. I've seen plenty of people dying in front of my eyes, the crew I used to be part of, they didn't hold a chance against—"

She sank her teeth in her lower lip and looked up, blinking away the tears. Her breath was shaking and the grip on Luffy's hand got tighter. Slowly, she inhaled deeply, body trembling as her lungs swallowed the morning cold breeze.

Both Usopp and Luffy were frowning, listening intently to her words.

"This won't end well," she concluded. "He willingly got himself in danger. Zoro is nothing but some prey for Mihawk."

Luffy's sympathetic gaze didn't help her, it didn't ease her worries as he hoped. Her panic was fed by each single thought passing through her head, by each memory making a nest in the present.

"I've met one single Warlord in my entire life and he destroyed half of the strongest crew I ever knew at that time. I know who they are, I know their tactics, I know they're not to play with."

Both of her hands were clasped around Luffy's shoulder, turbulent eyes meeting his. The tips of her nails dug lightly in his skin, but he didn't wince or move.

"Yes, we are strong, but still not strong enough for them," the witch intentionally lowered her voice so it wouldn't crack into sobs. "Please tell me you know I didn't argue with him because I like to. Please tell me you get what I mean, Luffy. I'm scared."

She was barely aware of her admission, but it was hard to hold back. The witch wasn't a scaredy-cat, she didn't run away, pride filled her being all too well to ever lose a battle, be it against herself or others. That time, however, she was scared out of her mind for the swordsman.

Luffy gave her the sweetest smile she's seen in ages and squeezed her shoulder again. "He will be alright."

She let her head tilt forward, hands falling back to her sides. His faith was greater than her fears, but he couldn't erase the panic settling in her bones.

"You have no clue how much I wish you were right."

It hurt. Her chest hurt and something was crawling up her throat, differently than back in Syrup Village. It made her feel nauseous, it bubbled in her stomach and gripped at her neck, it constricted her lungs and air punctured their tissue.

Zoro just walked out of the galley exactly when the sun could be barely seen rising up from the waters. The bandana was wrapped around his head and his earrings chimed like a melody, making her head turn towards him.

The same horrified gaze from hours ago was stuck on him and yet he chose to ignore her, passing by without even casting a glance.

She stood there when Usopp, Luffy and Zoro walked by, her back turned to them. The witch had to collect the pieces of her broken heart before daring to glance at a list fight on the swordsman's side. Mihawk was already waiting for them right in front of the restaurant.

She couldn't watch another dear person die. Not again.

Her fingers dug painfully into her palms, until her nails left crescent marks on the skin, until it hurt so badly the tears in her eyes couldn't fall. Their synchronized steps beat like drums, just like her heart.

Everything was blurred out. She didn't dare look until she heard swords clashing. Like a snap, her head turned.

Mihawk stopped Zoro's attack with one small knife.

He had no chance against the warlord, just like she guessed.

No, she thought. I can't be pessimistic now. Maybe at least he'll get out alive—

But pirates don't just let their dwell partners live, the other side of her conscience commented.

Each one of Zoro's attacks were either stopped or dodged so easily by Mihawk, who seemed like he was playing rather than fighting. He was so light on his feet, body moving like a feather between Zoro's blades.

The warlord sent her green-haired crewmate flying back with a mere push of his knife when he blocked yet another one of his attacks. When Zoro got back to his feet and rushed towards him, Mihawk continued dodging each one of his attacks.

The witch could only hear a muffled conversation from a distance. She didn't even notice when Nami passed by her until she saw orange strands of hair bouncing in her vision.

The navigator didn't come from the restaurant, as she should've since she searched for a drink — or that's what she said. She walked from the other side of the dock. Her hands trembled by her side and she walked slowly, fearfully, her body so stiff, until she stopped behind Luffy.

The witch focused for so long on Nami, her gaze fell on Zoro only when the right side of his chest was penetrated by Mihawk's knife.

Air got stuck in her throat and time stopped in its tracks. Her feet were stuck right where they were and she couldn't move an inch.

Zoro, his name lingered in her thoughts, the sound of it along with the sweet chiming of his golden earrings.

Time stretched like an elastic. Seconds passed by at an agonizingly slow pace, as if the Universe itself decided to torture her with that image.

Swords. Corpses. Blood. Fear.

The witch let out a shaky breath while she trembled like a leaf in the breeze.

Zoro made a step back, the knife slipping away from his flesh. With a few other steps, he fell to his knees, with his swords digging into the wooden battens to keep himself steady.

Mihawk curled his fingers around the hilt of the sword on his back.

It seemed like he decided to end it all right then and there.

The witch didn't know if it was her imagination when Zoro seemed to glance towards her for a brief moment. All she knew was that her heart sank into her stomach and she could hear the audible cracks of her soul. The green-haired man took his white sword, placing it in between his teeth.

His gaze moved back to Mihawk so quickly she could barely register it. Her stomach turned upside down and her chest tightened when she saw Zoro rotating his other two swords faster than the brain was able to comprehend.

Mihawk and Zoro jumped into the attack at the same time. She didn't know if their swords collided or not.

Zoro fell to his knees again, panting. The swords in his hands crumbled into pieces all the way to the hilt, right in the middle of the runes the witch drew hours ago on the blades. His Wado Ichimoji fell from between his teeth.

He didn't stop there. Of course that fucking idiot didn't stop. He used the white sword to get up, resting his weight into it until he finally stood straight again, turning to Mihawk. Carefully, he sheathed his Wado Ichimoji.

With his arms held in the air and hands curled into fists, Zoro didn't let go of his word as he proudly admitted:

"Wounds on the back are a swordsman's greatest shame."

The warlord said one word the witch didn't hear and then, with a swift motion, his sword cut deeply through Zoro's chest.

The green-haired man fell on his back, eliciting a shout of his name from Luffy.

Zoro.

His name was all the witch could hear while she rushed to his side, tears blurring her vision, tears she couldn't afford to show.

Just like he did a few moments ago, the witch got to her knees, eyes focused on the t-shirt getting soaked in Zoro's blood.

"Fucking dammit," she spoke in a hoarse voice, hands trembling.

He was bleeding heavily, the dark blue nuance of his shirt replaced by dark crimson. The wound started from under his left clavicle and curved through his chest, all the way to the right side of his ribs. Without a second thought, the witch took off her unbuttoned shirt and folded it, just to press the material on his large wound.

"Monkey D. Luffy," Mihawk said. "what's your goal?"

"I'm going to become the King of the Pirates," Luffy responded through gritted teeth.

The witch's burning gaze raised to the warlord who stood tall meters away, putting his sword back in place on his back. Her fingers ached to touch her revolvers and shoot holes through that man until she's satisfied, until the monster lurking in the depths of her soul had its blood thirst quenched. However, her hands remained pressed against her shirt, trying her best to stop Zoro's bleeding.

She's always been revengeful when people dear to her heart were harmed. Revenge she never denied, a trait of hers she's accepted long ago.

"That's a much more treacherous path than even defeating me. This world could use a few more wild cards."

"Go fuck yourself," the witch let out with wrath burning in her eyes.

She clenched her jaw and her eyebrows knitted together into a deep frown. Anger filled each corner of her being, blinding her almost all the way up, filling her to the brim.

One more drop and she would lash out.

Zoro's safety was more important than her rage and she was completely aware of that. The wounded swordsman was the only reason why she stood still by his side.

"It's too soon for him to die," and with that, Mihawk's gaze fell back on the green-haired man. "Roronoa Zoro, grow strong and come find me. I'll be waiting."

Fucker, the witch's thought wasn't voiced out that time while the warlord walked away.

"Luffy," Zoro spoke in such a soft voice.

The witch and Luffy immediately looked back at him. He was struggling to breathe properly, that mere motion probably making his entire body ache painfully.

"If I fail to become the world's greatest swordsman," he faintly spoke, barely able to open up his eyes. After some greedy gulps of air, he continued: "you'll be disappointed. Right?"

With a shaky breath, Luffy smiled at him as tears gathered in his eyes.

"You could never fail me."

The witch could feel her body shake when she realized the swordsman's life was hanging on a thread.

"Never again. From now… until I beat him," Zoro continued talking in between panting.

The witch wished she could tell him something, anything, but all she could do was continue pressing her shirt over his wound. Looking at him in that state made her heart squeeze in the cage made of ribs, wishing she could be in his place and take his pain away.

With trembling hands, he somehow managed to draw his Wado Ichimoji out of its scabbard, holding it up as he looked up at the blue sky.

"To become the greatest swordsman… I will never lose again!" he let out with a shaky breath, voice scratching at the witch's eardrums.

One of her hands curled around his shoulder and squeezed firmly, intending to bring his attention to her only for a second.

"I'm sorry about what I said, alright?" she gulped down hard, her voice cracking. "You need to live, yeah? I know you'll become the greatest. I'm sorry, Zoro, I'm sorry."

She was sorry for lashing out at him. If they were to part ways in that moment, then she'd rather make sure he never believed she was mad at him, that she didn't hate him even for a second. It was a feeling her heart wasn't capable of harboring towards him — never him. She would've ripped her ribcage open and given him her heart if she could.

The witch could only hope his tired and pained self heard her words, even as his eyes closed immediately after his arm dropped to his side along with the sword.

"You better stay alive," she whispered while looking down at him.

Her words became muffled from his perspective. All he heard was his name being spoken multiple times by Luffy and Usopp.

•┈┈┈•┈┈┈•┈┈┈•

The witch has been sitting on the floor of her shared room with Nami for a while now, ever since the navigator started reading. Zoro laid unconsciously on her bed, bandages wrapped around his torso. For a long time, she didn't even dare look at him.

She will be eternally grateful for Zeff's help — the chef cook of Baratie who snitched Zoro up and told them to do whatever was necessary to keep him alive, be it telling stories or singing sea shanties.

Despite the fact that Zoro's wound wasn't bleeding anymore, her heart still screamed at her.

With knees pulled up to her chest and her forehead resting in between them, she wrapped her arms around her stomach, subconsciously protecting herself from God-knows-what. She couldn't sleep either, despite listening to Nami's alluring voice as she read from a book.

The bandage on her upper arm was worn out and it's been longer than a day since Zoro wrapped it. It was dirty with blood from the time when she intentionally squeezed it before sobs could leave her lips.

Nami stopped reading, but the witch didn't register the lack of sounds surrounding her until she heard a voice. She didn't bother to raise her head, keeping her eyes closed as she responded:

"Can you say that again? Sorry, I wasn't paying attention."

"Pull yourself together," Nami whispered.

The witch knew that if she'd look up, she'd see a scolding or maybe a worried pair of blue eyes staring at her.

"I will when the situation asks for it," plainly, she dismissed the navigator. "Until then, I couldn't give less of a fuck."

She was aware of her position, of how small she looked, curled like a ball against the wall, hugging herself and praying to every God she knew that the swordsman would wake up. It was pathetic, but there was no wiser way to hide her overwhelming pain. Wrapping around herself sounded like the most helpful option.

"There are a few things you two should talk about when he wakes up," Nami closed the book with a small thud.

"I'd tell anyone anything if I knew he'd wake up," this time, her voice trembled lightly.

The witch swallowed the lump in her throat that's been sitting there uncomfortably for hours, with no positive effect. The only way to even her breathing was by holding the air in her lungs for a few seconds and letting it all go with a long exhale.

"Nami."

Only then, the witch raised her head. She looked deplorable, with disheveled hair and sunken eyes, dark circles under them from the lack of sleep. Her chapped lips were red because she ripped the skin off with her nails again. There was no sign of life on her face.

Obviously, she's had better days. Everyone did, probably.

"Maybe it's because I'm sorrow-drunk and can't bring myself to hide it anymore, but I have to tell you something."

She's been debating on whether or not she shall tell Nami about her suspicions ever since she pulled out those two cards out of the tarot deck.

"I know you're hiding something, but you can't hide it from me."

The truth has been spoken. With her heart beating loudly in her eardrums and threatening to break her ribs, she continued.

"I know. You're planning betrayal."

The navigator's eyes widened as panic flooded in her soul. The orange haired woman had no clue where all this came from, didn't know how fuck she found out about that, when and why—

"I didn't tell anyone."

"Aren't you getting ahead of yourself?" came out Nami's sharp response.

"I never expected you to admit it, if I am to be honest."

The witch rubbed her palms over her face and sighed heavily, as if a weight was pressed on top of her body.

"I also know there's more to the story. I don't know what or who you're protecting yourself from, I have no clue exactly why you're doing all this, but there's one thing I know for sure: the world is sitting on your shoulders, yet you refuse letting us help you carry it."

Nami stiffened in her chair. Her back straightened and her empty gaze pushed the witch out of her thoughts.

"Are you jumping to conclusions because of some stupid cards?"

"They definitely know more than me."

"Did you read you should treat your paranoia in there too?"

"While I admit there are times when I have crippling anxiety," the witch calmly stated, "I'm one hundred percent sure this isn't just a fairy tale. It's your choice to tell me or continue to keep it for yourself."

"But?" her voice lowered dangerously close to snapping.

"But we're not your enemies, Nami, and you know that well."

Not an answer the navigator expected, definitely.

"Zoro is unconscious on the bed and you're talking in metaphors — have you all gotten insane on this ship?"

"If I did, it was long before stepping on The Going Merry," the witch let out a stiffled laugh.

She dropped her forehead on her knees again, squeezing herself tighter in the embrace. The witch wasn't any less panicked than Nami, since opening up such a discussion scared her deeply. It was better than hiding and lying, though, and it felt less guilty.

"Why did you tell me this?" Nami asked with a whisper. "Be it right or wrong, why would you?"

"You don't deserve to be lied to, Nami. It makes me feel bad — hiding this from you made me feel like garbage from the start."

Even then, a gram of her guilt vanished.

"You're weirdly honest. You're aware this will haunt you one day, aren't you?"

"It's been haunting me since I got born," a sour smile painted the witch's face.

"The devil must've put some kind of curse on you."

"I only believe in evil spirits, sorry."

She didn't know where that soft laugh came from. Maybe it was her way of copying with the anxiety, with the pain. All she knew was that she hoped Nami wouldn't hide from them forever.

"Is there anything else you want to accuse me of?"

Faster than Usopp's snapping, Nami was once again serious, and the witch didn't have to look at her to figure it out.

"I never accused you. I know I'm right, but I'm not aware of the entire truth. You, on the other side, are aware of your own reality and I believe in your judgment. I hope you'll make the wisest decision and I'm saying this from the bottom of my heart."

"That's rich coming from someone so suspicious."

She's always been that way, the witch had to admit it. It wasn't only anxiety or tarot readings, there were times when she was straight up acting and thinking like a paranoid and it was cutting years off her life. Worrying and thinking over and over again, being hyper aware of everyone's actions, including her own.

Nami resumed her reading, her voice strained this time, as if she forced herself to talk out loud. Each syllable sounded rougher than the other, but that didn't stop the navigator from telling that story.

The witch wasn't paying attention, instead focusing on the moments spent with all of them, just like last night, when they were all eating and teasing each other. She needed to talk to Zoro, to tell him again that she's sorry.

Maybe he didn't hear me clearly before he fell unconscious, she wondered. She moved one of her arms and curled her fingers around the wound on her bicep. It stung good. If it could stop the stream of tears threatening to fall, then it was good, no matter how much it hurt, how the pain sunk deep into her bones, making her flinch.

There was something she wanted to clear out with Nami, but before the witch could speak, approaching steps made her mouth close shut. The presence felt light once her senses registered it, like a sparkling piece of hope — Luffy. She remained like a statue, breathing so slowly it was barely obvious she was still alive.

"Why did the king have to kill him?" he asked innocently.

He was referring to Nami's telling.

Without even having to glance up at him, the witch knew he was feeling unwell. There was no light in his voice and he sounded unsure of himself, so disoriented.

"Sometimes, when you are in charge, you have to make the tough decisions," she muttered between gritted teeth.

The witch knew where this conversation was heading.

"Why does everybody keep saying that?"

Luffy's voice desperately tried to reach out to the orange-haired woman.

Judging from the creaking of the chair, Nami got up from her seat as she spoke:

"Because you could've saved Zoro. He didn't have to fight Mihawk, but you let it happen. "

A few seconds of silence filled the room with thick tension.

"Look at her," Nami pointed with her chin towards the witch. "It looks like if he goes, she goes too. If one of us crumbles, everyone does. Look at us, at how we're handling it, at how Zoro does or, better said, how he doesn't handle it."

The witch couldn't understand why she was suddenly part of their conversation or why Nami took her side and tried to protect her from some unknown entity. Probably, she really looked worse than she thought. A sense of relief patched up one of the countless wounds under her skin when she figured out the navigator said all those things because she cared.

At the very same time, she knew Nami's words must've made Luffy suffer greatly, pushing her to raise her head and give her friends her entire attention.

"Nami," the witch intervened gently.

"You're in no place to talk," she cut her off quickly, her eyes like turbulent seas. "We're all a mess and it's all because of his stupid decision. But he could've been stopped," Nami turned her head to Luffy again.

"Nami, stop it," the witch furrowed her eyebrows. "Fighting will do no good. We've argued enough last night, there's no need for that anymore."

Nami was panicked and stressed out of her mind as well. Everything gave her away: the trembling hands, the shaking voice, tone close to breaking in a million pieces with each word, even the tears that gathered in her eyes. However, no drop rolled down her cheek.

"Tell me, Luffy," Nami vehemently continued with a tensed expression. "Would you see him like this? He might die."

Stop saying that, please, the witch thought as she took in another breath. He knows. Everyone knows. Please, stop saying he'll die because I might believe it too. I want to believe in him, not in whatever life changing lesson the universe gave me.

"And I'd do anything to save him," Luffy whispered with a tender smile on his face.

Me too. I'd rip my heart out of my chest and give it to him. I'd rip off my flesh and put it on his wounds. I'd die if I knew my life would be given to him.

"Anything," Luffy continued. "Except stand in the way of his dream."

God fucking dammit.

"We all have dreams, but we outgrow them," Nami clenched her teeth after she spoke.

"Is that really what you think?" Luffy's smile held so much hope. "Don't you have a dream?"

"Yeah. Right now, is for Zoro to not die in my bed," the navigator let out in a strangled voice.

"Isn't there something that you want? Something more," the straw hat whispered. "More than anything else in this world."

When the witch looked at Nami, it was obvious she was on the verge of tearing up, her nostrils flaring. Her eyes were already bloodshot.

"Not everyone gets to follow their dreams."

Nami didn't wait for any of them to respond before she walked out of the room. The witch got to her feet and tried to catch the navigator's hand in hers, but she wasn't fast enough. All she could do was glance at Luffy and place both of her palms on his shoulders, just like he did at the crack of dawn.

He looked at the witch with a hopeful and equally worried gaze.

"I know you meant the best when you encouraged him to follow his dream, Luffy," the witch squeezed his shoulders. "It's alright. Nami knows that as well. She's worried, like all of us. We all said hurtful things to each other lately."

His lips trembled when he attempted to say something, but he didn't dare to anymore. Instead, he searched for reassurance.

Was he in the wrong? Did Zoro get hurt because of him?

"It's not your fault," the witch continued with a tiny smile on her face. "I promise you. Everything led up to this. It couldn't have been avoided, unfortunately. No one could've stopped Zoro — you know he's a stubborn asshole."

Luffy scoffed.

"You know I'm right."

"I do," the straw hat nodded shily. "I think…" he gulped down, looking at his feet. "Maybe I can clean his sword for when he'll wake up."

"I'm sure he would be grateful about it. I'll stay here a bit longer."

She didn't let go of Luffy's shoulders until he moved away. Just to ease her concern, he smiled faintly at her before leaving the room.

Looking down at the unconscious pirate hunter, the witch couldn't believe her eyes. She gulped, not even daring to grasp at his hand, scared he'd break even because of a feather-like touch. She took in a deep breath and closed her eyes for a few seconds, opening them again only to see the same man in the exact same position.

She was scared for him, for his life. She didn't want to be a nuisance and stop him from doing what he believed would bring him happiness. Or maybe that word was too much — but winning against Dracule Mihawk would've made him proud, it would've fulfilled a promise he made to someone long ago. She didn't know who was at the other end of the promise, but he seemed to be a man of his word, so trying to stop him turned her into a selfish person.

Her eyes were locked on his face, brushing with the back of her hand some small droplets of sweat on his forehead. She was worried out of her mind, now regretting she didn't do more to stop him, to make him change his mind when he was maybe too drunk to think twice.

"Be careful, Zoro," the witch told him back then, her gaze betraying the worry crippling through her entire being.

She was right. He should've been more careful. He should've been less reckless, should've listened to Nami and her, even if Luffy encouraged him to chase his dream. Was it really worth it?

Once again, she sighed. She was selfish, greedy, it was wrong to think that his dream wasn't worth the entire world. Heck, even she would do anything for him, just to see him open his eyes again, just to hear another bored or witty remark coming from between his lips.

Instead, he was silent and still, only the slow movement of his chest visible as he breathed. It was the only thing that managed to bring her an ounce of comfort.

At least he was alive, she continued telling herself.

It was clawing at her heart, messing with it, her thoughts roaming around, jumping one on top of another. She was overthinking again, the worst habit she could've had — or that's what she silently believed for years.

The witch should've fought with him to death back then, when he was stubborn enough to throw Nami's words at her while they argued. Maybe it would've made him change his mind. As she continued looking at him, she worthlessly tried to take some of the blame for what happened.

Hidden under his bandages, the same wound made the woman standing by his side believe she saw the Death Reaper, even if he was the one unconscious on a bed.

Carefully, she sat down next to him, without taking her eyes off of him even for a moment.

"You're kind of worrying us all, y'know? Luffy is in denial of your possible death and Nami seems restless. Usopp is too silent for his usual self," she whispered.

Her first instinct was to touch him, but her fingertips hovered above his hand. She didn't know if it would've been right to seek the warmth of his skin while he wasn't even awake. All the witch could do was hope that deep down in his soul, he felt and heard all of them.

"I'm worried too. No. Worried is an understatement. I'm terrified," the words trembled as they left her lips, the same chopped lips she sank her teeth into. "I'd rather have you call me an idiot," she chuckled sourly.

With slow and careful gestures, she gathered enough courage to caress his hand with her fingers, feeling small cuts here and there. He was still warm, which eased a few of her worries.

She made a long pause, staring at the seemingly lifeless man she would give her life for.

"Remember when we drank together on the deck, two nights ago?"

A fragile smile appeared on her face at the reminder of that night. She stole the last drop of his bottle before he could finish it with a grin, playfully nudging at his ribs. He failed to threaten her about how she owes him something for that. He was handling his liquor better than her and yet, he couldn't hide his smirk or the sparkle in his eyes.

That night, bottles later, the witch got dizzy and tipsy. At first, she almost fell into a sea of melancholy after she shared pieces of her with Zoro. She doesn't remember how, but he got her laughing way too easy with his remarks and some silly stories.

"You're flushed already," he pointed out back then.

"You're kinda rosy in the cheeks as well, swordsman."

At that time she damned the alcohol for the soft gaze she had when she looked at him. Her eyes were sparkling with adoration when they danced on his face, peace sinking in her very bones in his presence. She shouldn't have drank. It was so obvious that she had a soft spot for him, that he had a special place in her heart not even a month after they met.

And who was at fault for her drunken state that night? Roronoa Zoro, obviously. He was at fault when she giggled and talked too much about too many things at once, so much more passion in her words than usual — was that even possible? he thought to himself. She always had a light and warm way of talking, her voice many times giving away her feelings.

A promise was a promise, even if she didn't wholeheartedly accept it from the beginning. She surrendered quickly and told him that yes, she owes him something, maybe a secret.

The witch remembered everything the next day, but acted like her memory had faded. The realization hit her hard the next morning, when she figured out her irrational fear of sharing secrets. She shouldn't have made that promise, so she played dumb, as if the conversation they had was forgotten about.

"Maybe it's not exactly a secret, but I like it when you call me by my name."

Maybe he hears me.

"I didn't hear my name being spoken for a long time. It makes me emotional every time, with no exception."

You're a crybaby, he should've said.

Her hand fully settled on top of his while the witch continued to slowly rub her fingertips into his skin, trying to bring herself back to earth even if her thoughts were sailing through unfortunate memories.

"I wasn't called by my name for years after my father became a pirate," she continued the story that started during their drinking night. "He aimed to become an Admiral and he was part of the Navy Forces for half of his life. For a long time, he thought he could do better than his comrades and hoped he could change the corruption that took place in the Government and the Marines. Insane, right?" she let out a sour chuckle. "An Admiral becoming a pirate. Everyone called him insane."

Once again, she smiled at the faint memories of her father's warm smile. There were details she didn't mention that night on the deck, like the status of her father in the Navy.

"I didn't reach ten yet when he left. He considered it would've been dangerous to stay with us and, if I am to be honest, mom would've kicked him out of their home."

Their home, because that place was never her home.

"Calling me by my name would've meant he still has ties with me and someone might've taken advantage of that."

Nine years ago, the witch was a child who only learnt how to use a kitchen knife for cutting vegetables. That child has been stripped of her innocence a few years later.

"A few times a year he would visit me. He would hide from the Marines, while I would hide from my mom. I still remember how he was so much happier. He looked younger, like he was living his teenage years and not his thirties. Except for a few days I'd stay with him and his crew, he was roaming around the seas. He never judged a single soul, believing it wasn't his job to do so, even if he would protect anyone who needed help. He changed the meaning of a pirate in a good way."

She turned her head towards the window, watching the blue sky mingling with the sea and the port of Baratie where people were walking on the wooden battens.

"He was caught by the Marines while he visited me and killed in the center of the city," her voice lowered to a gentle whisper, just like the breeze coming from the open window and giving her goosebumps.

She remembers that moment all too clearly, eyebrows knitting together as she squeezed Zoro's hand lightly, hoping it would bring some comfort to her shattered heart.

A life that felt like an eternity already made her believe her name was like damnation for anyone who said it. A few syllables being spoken and you'd be cursed to die one way or another, since her mother refused to call by the name her father chose when she saw light for the first time. Her father and his crew were the only ones calling her name so dearly, with honey latched onto their voices, treating her like a daughter.

She was someone's daughter when she was with them. And now, by Luffy's side, she was someone's friend.

"I don't want to watch you die too," only then she looked at him again. "Don't die on me. Don't leave us alone."

There was determination in her tone, mingling with pain and sorrow. Half of her believed in him the same way she believed the sea was blue and that leaves were green. The other half drowned in anguish.

Zoro seemed almost serene, despite the small frown that never left his face. She took in a deep breath and moved her hand away from his, only to lean over and rest her elbows on her knees.

She needed some fresh air.

The witch got up and left the room in a hurry, before tears would've slipped down her cheeks. She pushed it all aside, holding it in, since there was no time to weep at anyone's grave. Zoro was still breathing, even if half dead.

He will get better. He had to.

She walked into the galley. Standing up in front of the table was Sanji, wearing only his white and blue checkered shirt, the black jacket suit abandoned on the armrest of the couch. He was cutting some vegetables, skillfully holding the knife.

On the cushions sat Luffy, cleaning Zoro's white sword, just like he said. Meanwhile, Usopp was the one to notice her first, leaning with his hands prompted onto the wooden table. Nami couldn't be spotted anywhere.

The sound of her own name almost made her flinch. The witch blinked quickly, looking at Usopp. Both Sanji and Luffy looked at her then. The latter had some deep puppy eyes — her heart aches at that look alone.

"How is he?"

"Unconscious," she breathed out softly.

She let out a sigh and ran her fingers through her hair, her eyebrows pulled together.

"I suppose you haven't eaten anything since yesterday," Sanji smiled gently. "Anything I could make for you?"

"I appreciate it, really, but I don't have an appetite," she dismissed him with a faint smile of her own.

"You could use some energy, you know," Usopp mumbled.

"You, Luffy? What would you like to eat?" Sanji got back to chopping the vegetables.

"I'm not hungry right now. You could make something for Zoro. He'll surely be hungry when he wakes up!"

Their captain still had hope bubbling in his chest and it was the only thing keeping them all afloat.

However, the witch couldn't bear to think about it anymore. She spotted her shirt hanging on a nail in the wall, close to the couch. With a quick gesture, she grabbed at it, intending to put it on herself until the heavy scent of blood filled her senses the second time that day—

The shirt was soaked in Zoro's blood from the time when she used it to stop the bleeding of his wound. Nausea crawled up her throat and she unintentionally dropped the piece of cloth when she became aware of the sickness settling deeply in the pitch of her stomach.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

With a hand covering her mouth, she rushed out of the galley, on the deck, the doors shutting harshly behind her. She leaned over the railing as the acidic taste made its way up her throat and on her tongue.

A disgusting sensation, truly.

She's seen blood before, she saw countless corpses laying at her feet, but nothing could compare with the vision of a dear person giving their last breath. She couldn't believe she vomited because of blood, such a normal occurrence in her life.

But it wasn't just any kind of blood — it was Zoro's and it sunk into the material of her own shirt.

She will have to throw it away. There's no way in hell she would manage to ever wear that again, even if it would be clean and smelling like lavender.

Tears clung to her eyelashes when she opened her eyes again, looking down into the sea. She was breathing heavily and she regretted swallowing her own saliva, as the awful taste lingered in her mouth unpleasantly.

Warm fingers touched her shoulder and before she saw whose hand it was, there was a glass of water being shoved towards her. When she glanced up, she saw the blonde waiter.

"Thank you, Sanji," she took the glass from his hand, sipping slowly as the gentle weight on her shoulder disappeared.

"If I knew such a beautiful lady was waiting for me to wake up, I would've opened my eyes much sooner."

The waiter — who could apparently also cook like a professional — said that in a somewhat flirtatious tone. Also, there was compassion lingering in his honeyed voice.

"If Zoro would hear you, he would've thrown you overboard."

Nami.

The witch didn't even notice her on the deck until that moment, her head snapping towards the navigator, her eyes sparkling with hope as she gripped at the glass in between her fingers. Nami was a few meters away from her, with her back facing the sea and her hands curled around the railing.

The witch has seen Nami's expression countless times when she looked in the mirror after a crying fit. The same bloodshot eyes and puffy eyes, the red tip of her nose and the husky voice.

"I don't remember you having sea sickness," Nami pried into her soul.

The witch looked towards the water at the bottom of her glass, ashamed of her own reaction.

"Because I don't have sea sickness," the witch whispered weakly, basically admitting her vulnerable state.

She was more than just thankful Sanji chose not to elaborate on the reason behind her reaction. There was still acid sitting on her tongue, even after she gulped down the last droplets of water from her glass.

"Where are you heading to?"

The witch noticed when Nami straightened her back and walked away, towards the dock.

"Maybe I can find another drink at the restaurant," Nami waved the back of her hand at the witch.

That sounded very familiar to a lie for some reason, but was it the witch's place to comment?

•┈┈┈•┈┈┈•┈┈┈•

Familiar fear made its way through her body, scratching underneath the skin, whispering in her ear like a mantra the same phrase her mother has always told her: "there's nothing you can do about it, so accept it."

Those words always unsettled the young witch deeply. She heard that voice everytime she hid in a room with the books her grandmother left behind, pages filled with tarot and palmistry, the promise of real magic, different from the fairy tales. It sounded and felt palpable, her eyes sparkling. Those books were her treasure, a future filled with freedom.

The same words were being shouted in her ears by the ghosts when her body stiffened in its spot. She wanted to scream while the man who was her father was dragged away by Marines, this time on the port of Baratie, not in her hometown.

The deafening yell she wanted to let out was silent. Her lips didn't even part and her awareness slipped away as she continued to see blood pooling at her father's feet, his signature royal blue coat painted in crimson. As if her vocal chords broke before she opened her mouth, no sound left her lips.

"He deserved it," sounded so clear in her ear, as if her mother stood right beside her, watching the same scene unfolding over and over again.

No, no, I can't let him die! I need to do something! Please, dad, you can't—

The man who stood proudly was dying, his body decomposing right before her eyes. A sickening view, as the skin melted off the meat, leaving only bones and tendons behind, covered by heavy clothes, two empty holes in his cranium instead of beautiful sparkling eyes. Blood dried on the white bones and sunk into the material of his coat and it flowed towards her, to the tips of her boots—

"Luffy! Arlong is here and he's after you, we have to leave now!"

The witch gasped loudly, her eyes snapping open. Nami, who just entered, was panting heavily, fingers gripping at the edge of the doorframe.

Who's Arlong?

She noticed Luffy who just got up from the chair he was sitting on, right by Zoro's side. Usopp had his fingers curled around one of the ropes holding the bed in the room hanging in the air.

There were no dead corpses around. Gosh, that nightmare was scary as hell. Her heart still drummed in her eardrums, blood rushing through her veins at an alarming pace.

She managed to get on her feet, her palm glued to the wall to support herself.

"Where do you think you're going, Luffy?"

Nami was panicked. Her fear grew steadily, just like fire, and she was on the edge of cussing out that entire bunch of confident idiots.

"We can't let Arlong hurt people just because of us. He might kill everyone if we don't step in."

Luffy was rarely so serious, but the situation asked for it. However, the navigator was anything but happy with his suicidal decision.

The witch turned her head towards the unconscious swordsman. She took in a deep breath, calming the waters threatening to destroy her mind. Then, her warm gaze raised back to the navigator who squeezed the map in between her trembling fingers.

"You'll stay here and protect the ship, Nami," Luffy smiled reassuringly. "I trust you."

The orange haired woman searched for a different reaction from the witch, but received the same determination.

"Have you all grown insane?" she whispered in horror.

The witch made slow steps towards her and engulfed her in a warm hug, wrapping her arms around the navigator's body. She squeezed her gently, resting her chin on Nami's shoulder.

"Something is troubling you greatly. Don't lie to me," the witch whispered in her ear softly. "You've got something in your head and you're pushing all of us away. We trust you, even if it'll bring us our death."

That's what scared Nami the most.

The witch parted just to look into Nami's troubled blue eyes.

"We'll be alright. We have to be. We'll figure it out together."

She had no clue how much Nami wanted to believe her, but it was impossible to do so. The navigator knew better what danger awaits them in Baratie now that Arlong appeared, that monster—.

Right. That's what pirates were: monsters. So why did the ones in front of her look like friends instead of demons stealing her life away?

The witch squeezed her shoulders and smiled so warmly, so calmly, different from the agitation they would face.

For one second only, Nami dared to believe. Then, it crumbled to her feet when Luffy and the witch left her room with one glance back at Zoro.

•┈┈┈•┈┈┈•┈┈┈•

The witch found herself in the restaurant once again. Her fingers gripped tightly at the gun she held, finding comfort in the familiar weight settled in her hand. On purpose, she stood behind the other three men, sharp eyes scanning her surroundings carefully. They were lucky they chose to enter from the first floor, since she could easily hide.

She wasn't hiding for the reasons some would think of. The witch intentionally stood on the side, analyzing the situation. First of all, she had to find the smallest opportunity to find a weak spot for that fishman. From her spot, still glued to the wall and hidden from everyone's eyes, she focuses on Luffy's conversation with Arlong.

"I expected someone… bigger," Arlong commented with a wide grin, sharp teeth on full display.

He could definitely be classified as scary, but the witch didn't want to admit that to herself. Was he dangerous? Of course.

"Me too," Luffy commented.

Alright, maybe Luffy had far more confidence than she thought, since he dared to make fun of that fishman, angering him. It wasn't enough that Luffy was hunted down by Arlong, he had to make him angry as well—

What was she scared of?

She took in a deep breath and a few seconds were enough for her heartbeat to beat at a normal pace. The witch didn't have enough time to worry about consequences, she had to find their weakness quickly and act on it.

While her focus slipped from them, Luffy was already walking down one of the two pairs of stairs meeting up at the first floor of the restaurant. Arlong threatened the straw hat about something and the first thing she heard was the deafening sound of a shotgun.

The same sound was followed by a soft chiming filling the silence.

Her chest tightened since no groan of pain could be heard from anyone. When she glanced at the people downstairs, she saw Zeff — the cook who stitched Zoro up — with a gun pointed at Arlong. However, the fishman only turned his head back and cocked an eyebrow at the cook.

The bullet was most probably what caused that chiming sound. It seemed like fishmen's scales were bulletproof.

Fucking great. Her long range fighting style wasn't to her advantage.

An ounce of fear uncomfortably gnawed at her courage. The witch hated that helpless sensation, as if there was no escape, as if that was her dead end.

Her fingers gripped tighter around her gun, until the skin turned yellow.

I can't chicken out now. I don't have the luxury of turning my back against a fight in such a critical situation.

She swallowed the lump in her throat after she bit so hard onto her lower lip she tasted copper on her tongue.

Everyone has a weakness, right? Fishmen must have one as well.

On the floor below, Luffy threw his stretchy arms at Arlong, with his hands curled into fists. Zeff was harshly thrown into a table that broke down, making Sanji jump into action as well. Usopp was the only one that remained upstairs, uselessly hiding behind the decorative wrought iron railing — he could be easily seen.

Crouching down to Usopp's level, the witch slowly walked towards him with the gun still in her hand. When his eyes fell on her, he blinked like a confused owl.

"Guns don't work!" he whisper-shouted at her, horror painting his features.

With a sigh, she grinned cheekily.

"Are you running, scaredy-cat?" she taunted him with an arched eyebrow.

"Are you insane?" he frowned when she was a few inches away from him. "You can't seriously believe your gun is gonna do any damage to those monsters."

Glancing down between the iron bars of the railing, the witch spotted other two fishmen getting up from their table. So there were three in total.

With an unusually serious tone, she stared into Usopp's eyes, determination oozing out of her.

"You can't run now, Usopp. I hope you're aware of that."

"Even you hesitated for a second!"

His nervous demeanor and his over-thinking habits got the best of him at that moment. He was equally scared and amazed by the witch's courage.

"That was before I realized there's no going back. Usopp," she lowered her tone, fingers gripping at his shirt to bring him down from the clouds. "If you choose to run away, you will never become a brave warrior of the seas. Do you hear yourself? We're not running anywhere. We have to fight if we don't want to leave Luffy and Sanji to deal with the fishmen on their own."

She wasn't exactly good at motivational speeches, but that seemed to shake his soul well enough.

"Now help me find out their soft spots so we can bring those idiots down before they destroy this entire restaurant and eat us alive."

Bullets couldn't penetrate their scales. She didn't know if blades could work any better either. Also, Arlong alone had the highest bounty in the East Blue, not his friends. He was most probably much stronger than them.

If she could bring down at least one of the other two fishman, it was also a win.

Then, an idea popped into her head.

Their eyes.

They didn't have anything protecting their eyes except for the fact that they were sunk into their faces. With her aim, she had a chance to shoot one of them. She had to take advantage of the fact that no one knew she was there and making a plan.

Taking in a deep breath, the witch placed the gun between the iron bars and aimed at the fishman with ridiculously big lips. She wasn't exactly that far away, but she had to concentrate. One single miss and everything would go down, since her presence would be obvious and her hand to hand fighting skills weren't that well developed against raw strength.

She waited patiently, Usopp still by her side. Once the fishman stood still, turned towards her, she pulled the trigger of her gun.

The bullet struck his eye and he groaned in pain, receiving a proud smile from the witch who quickly hid behind a table from upstairs, dragging Usopp with her. Her heartbeat was so fast in her ears it could leave her deaf.

She had to pull herself together.

"You've got good aim," Usopp's voice trembled.

"Thanks," she breathed out heavily, eyes closing for a second.

There was an entire tornado in her soul. The witch knew there was no place for running away, but she was equally aware of her disadvantage against fishmen who fight with their fists.

Zoro would've loved the thrill of this fight.

But he wasn't there to joke about her being a scared little lady.

And Nami wasn't there to yell into her face and tell her to wake the fuck up and help her find a better plan.

Before she had a chance to notice, Usopp was crawling down the stairs on the left once an idea popped into his head, or that was what the witch thought.

She felt a certain presence walking up the stairs on her right and her eyes widened. The other fishman spotted her.

"Here you were, wench," he spoke with a growl.

She didn't have enough time to scramble to her feet before a rough hand wrapped around her neck and lifted her up in the air, pushing her against the wall. She could barely even groan when her breathing was restricted by the awfully strong grip the fishman had on her throat.

Her gun fell from her hand and hit the floor with a weak sound.

Uselessly, her fingers grabbed at the muscled blue arm holding her up, feet a few inches away from the floor. Compared to him, her grip was weak, insignificant.

The witch was never the type to necessarily wish to live, but she certainly didn't want to die in that moment, when others' lives were hanging on a thread.

Also, she didn't want that ugly fucking fishman with big lips to be the last sight before she closed her eyes forever.

Dammit.

Tag list: @emelia07 @dimplewonie @tfamidoingwithmylife @murnsondock @the-skys-musical-echo @conspiracy-crows @hallow33nz @ramae17 @gaslysainz @bunntsu @katt58 @katiemrty @hopefulrascalstatesmantoad @freyademartel @boofy1998 @ponyboys-sunsets @melsunshine @loveyluv7 @waddlingwanderer @jesssssmaybankk @nadlx33333 @yoong1c0re @untoldshortsofthefandoms @mizzy-pop

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h-harleybaby · 1 year

Note

i saw that u did a cartman confesses out of horniness could u do one for kenny if comfortable

Ofccccc

It fits Kenny tbh

Btw this isn’t proof read at all I wrote it, read over it once and called it a day

HAS NSFW CONTENT

Kenny confessing out of horniness hcs

• Yeah, Kenny's a perv and he's pretty horny but he has to be EXTREMELY pent up to confess out of horniness

• Like he's always kinda horny ya know? It's nothing out of the ordinary

• Then you come along, and his sense of self respect is out of the window. It's dead, you killed it

• He absolutely believes you're the prettiest person he's ever seen, like his breath was taken away. He's probably joked about how you're this goddess

• And his friends are like, side eyeing him all concerned. They haven't even seen you so they're wondering what the hell he was going on about. Kyle straight up puts his hand to Kenny's forehead to see if he was ok because he really didn't seem like he was 💀

• He's a complete simp before y'all even start dating, and tbh he's probably tried making you jealous before. Jokes on him, it didn't really work

• Kenny doesn't really feel bad about jerking off to you, it's natural right?

• When he does confess to you he's pretty straight forward and kinda romantic, he doesn't want you to think the reason he's in for anything is because him being horny. No, he genuinely likes you and thinks you're super nice!

• He treats you really well, he might go a little fast but it's always up to you. He never wants to make you feel uncomfortable LIKE EVER

• Y'all work up to sex tbh, he doesn't go immediately to thigh fucking like Cartman does

• Tbh I like to think you're a smidge inexperienced, like you can get off by yourself but it feels awkward and kinda weird ya know? Kenny probably makes a joke about being inexperienced and you're like “wellllll 👉👈”

• Yeah anyway back to my point, he's definitely the one who kinda showed you everything you love. He knows you and exactly what you like

• He's super good at eating you out tho, it's his favorite thing to have you sit on his face. Bonus points if you're more on the plus sized side/plus sized. HEAR ME OUT, TALL ASS TWIG KENNY AND HIS PLUS SIZED GF???? SKINNY NERD AND HIS THICC GF <3333333

• Kenny loves eating you out, he likes being under you and having you ride his face. It's like, his favorite past time. He feels good when you do

• Yeah anyways it's starts off as fingering/handjobs and oral because he wants to ease you into everything

• Sex is fucking mind-blowing tho, he knows what he's doing (cough somewhat cough) and he always makes sure you're good with everything he does

• Bro goes multiple rounds and probably eats you out at the end because he has a problem

• You're probably like, on the verge of passing out because shit, that was g o o d

• And Kenny's just like "hey sweetheart I can run you a bath or get you food or something, you want anything?"

• I like to think he's really doting when he's doing aftercare because he cares about you a lot, also he wants to make sure he wasn't doing too much

I HAVE A F E E L I N G someones gonna ask for Kyle next and I'm already preparing myself/brainstorming for when someone does

#h harleybaby needs help #south park x reader #harley’s anons <33 #south park x reader headcanons #south park x y/n #kenny mccormick x reader #kenny x reader #kenny x reader smut #kenny mccormick x reader smut #kenny mccormick x y/n #harley’s requests!

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blackdragoness · 1 year

Text

⛽GASING YOU UP, BABY⛽

YALL NOT READY FOR ALL DIS' GASSSSS. Lemme gasssss yo lil fat head up, okayyyy. This PICK-A-PILE is for you!

"somebody call 911, shawty fiyah burnin' on da dance floor." -sean kingston

Pile 1 -

Pile 2 -

Pile 3 -

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Pile 1: Show Stunnah 🌻

Overall Tarot Card: The Devil 😈

Channelled Song: Pretty Girl Rock by Keri Hilson

⛽ The gasssss on you is....⛽

🚨🚨ALARMS GOING OFF. YOU SHUTTING THIS SHIT DOWNNNN. LESSSGOOOO 🚨🚨

First of all, you muthafucka's is FINE as hell! I'm talking about FOIIINNEEEE as hell. Body on fleek, face card never declines. As soon as you walk into the room, all eyes are on you and all your competition starts to die a little inside 😂 You are the talk of the town, the talk of every circle, babbyyy 🤤 But y'all been knew dat, 😏

"BEEN that bitch, still that bitch" - Megan The Stallion

Natural beauty with the confidence to match

Confidence of a lion(ess)

Honestly, physically, you got it muthafuckin' going on dawg, what the fuckkkkk. Out of all the piles, this one wins in the Looks Department LOL sorry to the other piles

I'm seeing a face that is so fucking beautiful and angelic. Forever youthful.

Your beauty never dies and it never ages.

I have this huge urge to gasp in awe! You make people gasp with your beauty, ermagerrrdddd this is too cute! I feel like I'm melting in your presence 🫠. It's like everytime people see you in person, you take their breathe away and all they can do is gasp in awe at your undeniable beauty 😂😂😂 it's so fucking corny bro, but damn. That was a channelled message for someone's fine ass out there. You got it like that Mami/Papi, *snap snap snap*

A literal fucking goddess/god. Like you make men want to turn all romantic and old school, writing poems and singing outside your window in the middle of a full moon & shiiit. Or for my men, you make a girl wanna break all her rules and go buck wild for you!!! Like this shit crazzzyyy!! But this is what you be doing to these people lmaoooo!

I'm sure you're a great person on the inside and all, but there is so much emphasis on your physique that I apologize if you feel exploited right now 😂😂 and tbh, you might know the effects your body causes on people so you might be a person with strong boundaries. But damn Papi, what dat body do? 😏

With the devil card crowning your reading, people are OBSESSED WITH YOU!!! Bitch, who tf are you? Why is everyone so fucking obsessed with yo ass!? Lmao

"I can do bad all by myself." You're very independent but you may have many friends too.

Imma just say it flat out: YOU GOT THAT GOOD WAP BABYYYYYY. THAT GOOD WOOD, ya know what I'm sayin' 😂 rumor has it, you can fucking werkkkk it. You got people THIRSTY AF out here, mayneee. Chilllllllll.

You got this hella chill vibe to you though. Like laid-back. Relaxed. Not about the shits or the drama. People can try to ruffle your feathers to get any type of reaction out of you but you stay unbothered AF and that's what draws them nearer to you.

You have a gift for social interactions. Most people have social anxiety but you maneuver and work the room with ease and calmness. It's very admirable.

So many people want to marry you dude, I'm not even kidding. But I'm sensing that you are just focused on yourself and your goals. Relationship isn't a priority in your life right now. But that also is what turns the thirst factor UP when it comes to you.

SEXY, SEXY, SEXY, SEXY, SEXXXXX-Y.

Rich girl, city girl, material gworl vibes

"You always got dem eyes on you" - people love to watch you and stare at you. Sometimes people zone out in conversation with you because your beauty distracts them 😂 you could be talking to them in perfect pronunciation and speed but they won't hear a damn thing you said lol I guess your beauty is deafening too 😂

As beautiful and as sexy as you are, you also have a tender kindness when you interact with anybody. Your beauty shines both inside and out and that's why you are the mf GOAT.

You turn heads every where you go. You got bitches jealous wishing they was you. Ermahgerrrddd, I'm getting a rush of energy from tons of people who fantasize about what it would be like if they had your life. Honestly, that sounds like I'm over hyping y'all, but it's the truth lol. Maybe knowing this information will help you see the beauty of your own life and appreciate it for what it is. Because from folks looking on the outside into your life, they would literally trade spots with you in a heartbeat. Heck, they are already doing it in their daydreams. Recognize that YOU ARE THAT BITCH.

You may come from a great family life. Or people think you come from a super good looking family judging based off of your looks alone lol

A lot of people want to be tied to you in some way. People feel that being connected to you gives them "brownie points" in popularity 😂😂 some people may try to befriend you for clout. I'm not even getting social media vibes, although y'all may be big on social media too. But I'm sensing like real life clout, which is ten times better than social media clout, ya feel me. It's almost like knowing you in real life makes people feel more important in real life.

Y'all are the IT GIRL/ IT BOY. Everyone wanna be you, do the things you do, talk like you, walk like you, fucking everyfannnggg!!! I cannot with y'all. You guys are unreal but thats why we are so fucking obsessed with you, booo. Keep doing you and keep being you 🌻

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Pile 2 - Cutie Pie 🥧

Overall Tarot Card: Ace of Cups

Channelled Song: My Bestie by Lloyd ft Sevyn

⛽ The gasssss on you is.....⛽

🍯🍯CUTENESS OVERLOAD!!!!!!! YOU ARE THE CUTEST FUCKING THING EVER 🍯🍯

Everyone wants to hug you, squeeze you, love on you. Stick you in their pocket and take you home. This vibe is so mushy and gooey!

Everybody's little sister. You provoke a very protective spirit in those around you and those close to you. You are looked at as something that needs to be protected at all costs.

I dunno what it is about you but people will go to bat for you no matter the situation or the time. If ever you are in trouble, you have a whole gang of people who you can count on to drop what they are doing and prioritize you. Even if they are pissed off at you, they would lay their differences to the side and come to your rescue.

You make people feel very emotional when it comes to even just the thought of you. You are so special to people I don't think you realize that!

You are that person in people's lives that they cannot imagine ever losing. Like an angel in disguise who needs to be protected from this cruel world.

You attract friends like flies!!!!! This pile is SOOOOOOO popular and you don't even have to try. You could actually be a more introverted and reserved person but constantly have a crowd of people with you.

Sooooo warm and soft. Feels like I'm sinking in an ocean of really warm honey. That's how you make people feel.

People LOVE hugging you, cuddling you, and feeling you. Your presence is very calming and motherly.

You have great motherly instincts and people trust you with their children and animals. Kids might naturally flock to you and easily trust you because of your kind nature.

You may only consider a small group of people as friends but there are so many people who consider you as one of their best friends. You may make some friends jealous because they envisioned some type of exclusive friendship with you. However, a lot of people need you in their life and so that's something they need to come to terms with.

A lot of people feel like they can confide in you with confidential matters, knowing it will be kept safe. You also give really great advice that helps people progress further on their life path.

You are a very necessary presence in many peoples life stories. If every human soul had a book about their life, there would be at least one chapter about you in multiple life books. While most people are only focused on writing their own book, they are scarcely mentioned in other stories. But you, you are very necessary in the development of other people's life journeys. Like you make an impact on their story for the better. Wowwwww. I can only imagine that this role comes with a lot of positive karma for you and your generations to come.

You beautify every place you enter, every floor you walk on, and every person you meet. You are a contagious ray of light that shines everywhere you go even in the darkest of places.

You very rarely compete or get jealous of people and that's why many consider you to be their best friend. They feel completely free to be themselves around you with no judgement, guilt or shame.

You are unapologetically yourself and it's a big turn on for the opposite sex.

Many people wish they could possess your unapologetic nature but they are realizing it is a lot harder to mimic than they thought.

"I walk like this cuz I can back it up. I got a big ego" -Beyonce

You been through a lot and it shows through how sweet and caring you are. And because you put out that energy, people wanna love you the same way in return.

You really tug at people's heart strings when they think of you. I'm hearing "a heart of gold and titanium". So valuable and indestructible.

You have been placed on this throne by a lot of people. Very very respected and admired. I'm hearing you proved yourself. Your true colors shown and they worked in your favor.

An example for others to follow

A true royal

SELF-CONTROL, SELF-CONTROL, SELF-CONTROL. You have so much self control and people are both envious and admiring that trait of yours. "The one with the most control over themselves is the one with the most power in the room."

You might be a very adaptable person. You literally can chop it up with anybody you want! No personality is too hard for you to adapt to.

You have such a knack for resolving conflict. You can de-escalate any situation with your soft spoken voice and level-headedness. Things always run smoother when you are around.

People take you seriously and really listen when you speak. You may not vocalize your opinions as often as others, but when you finally do, it shocks people, so they listen.

A deep well of wisdom.

Honorable. Highly respected. Highly trusted.

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Pile 3 - LEGEND ⚜️

Overall Tarot Card: 8 of Pentacles

Channelled Song: One Call Away by Bina Butta

⛽ The gasssss on you is.....⛽

🥶🥶 YOU OUT HERE GIVING US THE SHIVERS WITH YO ICY FINE ASS 🥶🥶

BOSS BITCHHHHH. I see you focused on that bag and getting that bag!!! If you chose this pile, YOU LOOK LIKE MONEY, HUNNY 🤑

"came through drippin *drip drip*"

You are a hard ass worker. I'm getting strong energy coming from the workplace you work at. You got a lot of people dumbfounded at your work ethic. For some reason, I'm getting that they didn't think you were going to be the type of worker that you are.

You may be known as someone who bosses up every time you experience a hardship in life. It's actually pretty phenomenal to watch.

Phoenix rising from the ashes.

You are that one character in a movie story that never dies 😂 it's like no matter how many battles you fight, you never fucking die lol it's annoying to your haters but so inspiring to those who witness this inner strength of yours.

You are a LEGEND! Some people think that your life experiences are too good to be true. But they just ain't ever met nobody like you before thats why. I'm hearing that behind your back people try to investigate the validity of your story just to be humbled when they find witnesses who retell the same story.

People want to know the depths of your life experience. I'm getting that people view you kind of like Indiana Jones who is well travelled with many stories and adventures to tell for many days.

You inspire people to think outside of the box. To want more for themselves and be open to newer opportunities that can make them feel free and alive again. You make them want to explore life again.

You walk around like a large ball of life force energy. Anything within a 5 foot radius of you starts to be influenced by your vibration.

A lot of people speak about you!!! A lot of people have your name in their mouth. It's very positive though. I'm hearing a lot of praise, chanting your name. Celebrating you!

I sense you might be hermit mode or really just focusing on yourself. People can see the changes that are happening through your physical appearance . Your hardwork and focus shines through your countenance.

You have a lot more people who support and love you. Im feeling that for this pile, the support isn't as apparent as it was for Group 2. I'm feeling like this pile stands alone with lots of silent supporters. Something about you being very intimidating or being closed off to a connection is what's blocking people from showing their support but it's like they understand why you are closed off and respect your boundaries.

People feel like you are going very far in life and will hit it big in the future. They want to see you win and are silently watching until then.

The way you carry yourself is top notch alpha type vibes. Specifically for my feminines, this is so sexy about you. You carry this masculine energy in such a sexy feminine way it intimidates and submits even the strongest of men. Very BAWS BOSS like.

RAWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR 🦁

BOSS, BOSS, BOSS, BAWSSSYYYYYY

"Dat ass, dat ass, dat ass, dat ass" 🤨🤨okaaayyyy, someone clearly has a nice juicy ass that needs to be pointed out 🤷🏾‍♀️

You must have a very strong presence in your work place because the energy keeps taking me to a work environment. Either that or you think about work all the time 😂 you really are such an independent woman. Some may call it hyper independent but do you honey. Set the standard as high as you want. Don't let their intimidated ass opinion shrink you 😉

Maybe you own a lot of businesses or aspire to own your own business. People see the potential for you. But I'm getting indecisive energy. You are probably really talented at SOOO many things and are weighing out your options. However, you know that once you have made your decision, there is no stopping you from reaching the top. Everyone else knows it too and that's why they are silently watching you.

You are a rare human. You have an imagination that is so active. Anything you imagine, you create in this world. You were probably a very imaginative kid and highly active. With how hard you work coupled with your crazy active imagination, you actually have the power to manifest whatever you want into existence. Maybe you are aware of that. Maybe you aren't. But channelling this energy feels very magnetic and strong. Keep your imaginations alive. Keep your dreams alive. Chase them.

People wonder how you gained such a bright imagination. They wish they could have that light that you have. You heal a lot of people's inner child by giving them experiences to exercise their imagination. Maybe you enjoy conversations about the trendy things from people's childhoods or you like to talk about the future a lot. You spark creativity and imagination for people and it gives them motivation for life again.

You lead by example. Lots of people are out here running they mouth but you stay steady on your grind proving your worth through your life.

You have silent supporters because you are a silent leader. You don't do much talking. You just do the damn thing and later on people find out what you did and are completely shocked.

You are a bombshell. Not only do you look great but you're like a ticking time bomb in people's minds. You constantly have people stewing over you and then boom, you do something that blows everybody's minds lol. I like this vibe. Very spontaneous and fun to be around

#Spotify #pick a pile #pac reading #pick a card reading #tarot community #intuitive readings #astro community #art #astro notes #astrology #zodiac #leo zodiac sign #scorpio #taurus #aquarius #virgobaby #libra moon

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jess-the-vampire · 10 months

Photo

Hey everyone, here to provide updates to my situation

Has the thief been caught? Has your stuff been recovered?

If he has or it has, i have yet to be informed by any officers, in fact one of the officers gave me his email so I'm waiting for him to reply back to me since i decided to provide him a better description of the bags that were stolen since i don’t think i did the best job the night of the incident describing them.

How has the replacement process been going?

So far, so good, tho i don’t know if all the stuff that was taken even if possible to replace, which is dreadful tbh, I’ve managed most so far but there’s some items i may unlikely find copies of.

How you been doing?

Tired, very very tired.

I’m also incredibly anxious, as one would be when someone steals your house and car keys alongside id that could link back to your house. I’m still trying to process everything and get myself in order.

Are you back to doing art?

Yes and no, i’m easing into it again right now.

I’m at least hoping the ideas i’m forming and creative process will keep me distracted and give me some fun during this messy situation.

Now that at least most things are taken care of i kinda can chill at least...a little more?

don’t get me wrong, i’m not completely back, but at least doodling takes my mind off....everything.

So you might slowly see some stuff coming in art wise

if i have any news on the case, you’ll all be made aware

pt 2

#my art #sky and the forces of the multiverse #a reverse of feathers and mud au #a reverse of feathers and mud #areverseoffeathersandmudau

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this-loser · 3 months

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Silent Prayer

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Author's Notes: So, I actually haven't written in a while and for those who liked my previous stories I apologize. I deleted them from the account and forgot that I didn't have them saved so they are gone forever. Recently I have been hard on myself about that plus my writing. I ended up going inactive and recently going into the DC fandom, especially because of my love for Jason Todd, I got back into writing again. This is the first time I've written for Jason, bunch of scrapped ideas before this, so if it feels out of character I must apologize. Anyway, enough of my talking. Please enjoy!

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「WC: 889」

「Summary: He's unable to sleep but maybe a little music will coax him into sleeping」

「Warnings: I don't use Y/N, This might be a little sad tbh, Nothing explicit just wholesome fluff, This is shorter than I originally thought it would be but I'm okay with this」

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「Song name: "In Dreams" by Roy Orbison. In case you'd like to listen to it while reading look it up on either YouTube or Spotify.」

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It was never silent. Not in Gotham City. From the police sirens to either the neighbors or the people outside the apartment building going on about their lives. No one pays any mind, depending on where you're looking, to the fact that this place was one of the biggest shitholes. No one could tell Jason otherwise. He'd lived on the streets, did things that he shouldn't have done but he needed to survive, and he witnessed first hand just how god awful the people in the city can be. All of that had been seen on repeat, through the eyes of a child. Was he proud of his past? Depends but for the most part no.

Reflecting doesn't help. He knew that. It only made things come back and the emotions left him sour. Especially when the original point was to sleep, something he was having trouble doing. Again.

Jason sat up, the blanket pooling at his hips as he ran a hand through his hair. The sound of a vehicle honking caused him to lift his head, looking at the window blinds. A few seconds pass by before he relaxes. "Hmm..." The softness of your voice drew his attention along with the blanket moving as you turned over onto your left side. "Jason," "Go back to sleep, baby." He crooned, stopping you from continuing your sentence then leaning down to you, his hand pushing some of your hair out of your face as your eyes started to flutter open. "Shh, just go back to bed. Everything is alright." He was bullshitting, but not to worry you. Jason knew that you'd be up without another second if you knew his insomnia was bothering him again. "Just sleep." His hand gently cupped your cheek as he kept whispering coaxing words to ease you back into sleep, blissfully unaware of his suffering. "Jay," Through tired eyes you look at him, the darkness of the bedroom hides his face, however, you could make out the look he gave you. A soft, reassurance that would have fooled anyone else if they didn't know him well enough, that is if they ever broke past that permanent scowl he always had. The look alone drew a huff from you. "Liar." He froze, the look quickly morphing into a disappointed frown. "Please, sleep. Don't worry about me. I'll be okay." He brought forth a small smile, his hand caressing your cheek. "Trust me, you need more sleep than I do, I'll be alright." "Jason..." He shook his head, stubbornness kicking in as he leaned closer and pressed his lips against your temple then pulled away. "You're gonna go back to bed, no arguing about it." You whined at his stubbornness and although that made him chuckle, he wasn't going to let up. You pulled a hand from under the blanket, lifting it and grabbing his arm. "No. I'm not giving up that easily, Jason." He bit back a groan at your stubbornness, internally kicking himself for hoping that you'd actually give in to his demand. You sat up slowly and let go of his arm as you reached over to the end table on your side, grabbing your phone.

It was still early in the morning and Jason clearly wasn't having a good night so far. "Jay, it's 4:37 A.M." He groans at the observation and leaning back against the headboard. "I know, Genius..." He grumbles, looking away from you completely. "You're welcome." You mumble, now going through your phone. A few seconds of silence go by before the room is filled with soft music from your phone.

"I softly say, a silent prayer like dreamers do"

He glances over to you, the song playing as you set your phone back onto the end table. "Music?" You nod, looking at Jason. "Why not? Might help you sleep." "Not really my type of music." "Too bad, you've got to deal with it since it's my choice." You lay back down, scooting over to him and throwing an arm over his hips, burying your face into the side of his thigh. "Who's the artist?" "Roy Orbison." He nods his head slowly, the name not sounding familiar to him. "Melancholy as hell though." He added, looking down at you and resting his hand on the back of your head. "Mm." Your eyes flutter closed, the soft tempo of the song starting to lull you back to sleep.

"In dreams, you're mine all of the time"

He leans his head back. Taking in the lyrics and how somber they are. "Actually, they are kinda peaceful." He whispers, his fingers running through your hair. "Except for the "Candy-colored clown" bit... That part doesn't sound all peaceful to me." A light scoff comes from Jason as he stares at the bedroom door and feeling his eyelids become heavier as the song continues to play.

"In beautiful dreams"

He blinks a few times as a wave of sleepiness crashes over him but he pulls himself back and gently pulls your arm from his hips. You make a small noise of protest as he lays down, pulling you into his arms once he's laying on his right side. You sigh in content, relaxing again and peacefully resting as Jason's eyelids close. The melody of the song coaxes him into a dreamless sleep.

#jason todd x reader #jason todd x you #jason todd #A late night idea and I love oldies #dc comics

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celestial-dreamscapes · 2 years

Text

Taking care of you on your period - Obey Me

Characters: Lucifer, Asmodeus, Diavolo

A/N: I’ve seen a lot of these types of posts, but they don’t feel specific enough for me, so I did it myself 💀 Might do other parts with the other characters eventually or if it gets requested. Reposting cause this isn’t showing up in tags :’) Requests are open!

Warnings: mentions of throwing up, blood, nudity (not sexual), and mention of fainting

Word count: 1.7k

part 2

part 3

Lucifer:

-At the House of Lamentation, every day is a different person’s turn to cook. Conveniently enough, on the day it’s your turn, you’re hardly able to get out of your bed without the whole room spinning

-He definitely checks on whoever is meant to be cooking dinner every day a while before the usual time everyone sits to eat, since his brothers aren’t exactly the most punctual and responsible people around

-So he goes to check on you thinking you’re just being lazy and stuff, but he’s also a bit worried because he hasn’t seen you for a good portion of the day but didn’t realize it because of how busy he was

-After a while of lying down and feeling your body burning, you decide to try and pace around your room for a bit, hoping that a bit of movement would help ease the pain at least a little bit

-Except you’re still suffering so you’re kind of curled in on yourself, hunched over because it hurts to move but staying still feels like hell and it feels like nothing is working

-And you’re also trying not to puke the tiny amount of food you were able to just barely eat that morning because of the nausea

-I just know this man gets back pain, he definitely has some type of heating pad already that he keeps hidden away in his desk or something maybe like a couple rice packs or whatever the devildom version of those would be

-He’ll get you two of them, one for your back, one for your stomach and he also gives you a heavy pillow to put over your thighs in case they start hurting too (the weight helps quite a bit with the burning, and you feel less antsy)

-Once you feel better and are able to talk without the pain bothering you, he’s definitely gonna ask you more about it and if it’s that bad every month, so that he can be more prepared, especially if it gets worse the next time you get your period

-He’ll look into it some more and get you whatever supplements or meds you need (if you need any) to help with the pain and make sure you take them as often as you should

-Lucifer is such a workaholic but he’ll take a break since it’s for you 🥰

-Tbh he will probably give you an annoying lecture at some point ... as if you don’t know what you’re doing 😭 you just gotta tell him you obviously do know what you’re doing since it’s you feeling the pain and you’re doing what you can to take care of it but you’re not a doctor or able to just magically completely heal yourself and he’ll kinda shut up and stop being patronizing about it

-Will let you lay your head on his lap and he'll either play with your hair or rub your back gently until you either start feeling better, want to do something or want to get something to eat

Asmo:

-Asmo definitely has his fair share of experience with this kind of thing, I’m sure a few of the brothers do, but even though he loves to party and stuff, I doubt he’d just ditch everyone he’s with right after, he’d be attentive and especially if they got to know each other for a bit longer than just one night or a day, he’d learn to take care of them better

-He’ll notice you’re not feeling well and then ask you about it, but he doesn’t really need details, since he’s already familiar with humans and whatnot

-His bath is absolutely ginormous, so he’d definitely draw you a very hot bath (not to the point of it being super painful but enough to drown out the cramps with the amount of heat) + bubble bath if you’d prefer and Epsom salts to relieve the burning feeling on your back + other oils so the smells help you relax but nothing too strong

-If you’re comfortable with it he’ll keep you company while you take your bath and talk if you’re not feeling up to talking but don’t wanna be alone

-Or if you wanna play music to fill the silence and help you relax he’ll let you pick of course

-I feel like his room is very cool and not too stuffy which is perfect because the cramps make your body heat up a whole lot so if you’d like to stay, he’d let you nap on his bed and also bring you a heating pad just to help any more pain, just in case

-From the amount of cramps you were having + their intensity, he would know that you shouldn’t eat anything right away especially if you were nauseous as well, so he’d wait until about an hour and a half or so after you fall asleep to order something warm for you + he’d ask Solomon for recommendations because he’d know what foods are good for humans and stuff (he offers to cook something himself and Asmo has to hold himself back from telling him that the goal isn’t to hospitalize you 😭)

-He wouldn’t get anything spicy of course, since it could make your cramps even worse, and he doesn’t wanna risk it after they finally calm down/go away

-If it’s caused by vitamin deficiencies, he’ll order vitamin supplements for you and set alarms on his phone and remind you (over text or in person) when it’s time to take it, just in case you forget

-This man would absolutely not care the slightest bit if you happen to get some blood on his sheets, he may be super particular about lots of things but he knows that bedsheets being slightly stained is not a big deal and it hardly takes any time to wash them anyway, he’s so sweet too he’d probably try to make you feel better by saying he’s been meaning to change them anyway :’)

-He’ll gladly cuddle with you if you want, but he’s more than okay with giving you space if you want to just rest alone, as long as you have everything you need and have your phone near you so you can text or call him if you need anything else

-Will not hesitate to tell his brothers to shut up if they’re being loud when you’re resting because you need to replenish your energy and your hearing becomes more sensitive after all the pain (especially if you threw up before or were dizzy and your ears were ringing)

Diavolo:

-Let’s say you’re staying at the castle for a little while when you get your period all of a sudden

-It’s the first time you get it since coming to the devildom (since being around a bunch of demons would obviously cause quite a bit of stress, it just stopped for a while), so you’re a bit thrown off since it’s the last thing on your mind and you haven’t been keeping track of your cycle

-He’s not completely clueless when it comes to the differences between species and all that but he’s still not super great with how differently human bodies work in comparison to demons so he might just think you’re going to bleed to death for a little bit when you tell him :/ so you have to reassure him that you’re not gonna die and that unfortunately it is a very regular thing for humans

-Tbh you probably won’t be able to give him the whole rundown in detail of how it works because of how much pain you’re in so you just ask him to get you painkillers, and you go to take a nap and hope the pain fades once you fall asleep

-Instead, after napping for a bit the painkillers seem to just wear off as if you never took any to begin with and the pain comes back full force, so you ask him to draw you a hot bath

-The bath doesn’t seem to be helping much even after over half an hour of soaking in it so you decide to get out

-But then you get extremely dizzy all of a sudden, so you put on a towel robe and lay down on his bed to try and wait out the ringing in your ears + the dizziness and your heart beating insanely fast

-Conveniently enough you don’t have your phone on you and he’s who knows where probably working so you can’t even try to call him to help you (to get you a heating pad, painkillers, anything really, even just to have someone else’s presence because it legitimately feels like you’re about to die and not even in peace)

-You notice you got blood on the robe while lying down, so you go to the bathroom to get a pair of underwear and a pad (which you manage to do) but you get super nauseous all of a sudden so you just. sit on the floor for a bit, wearing basically nothing and hoping you’re not about to pass out or straight up die alone, partially naked on the cold bathroom floor

-After not too long (but what feels like a whole damn hour to you) he finally goes to his room and so you call him and he’s kinda panicky, but he brings you a new robe since you bled over the other one and helps you get up and walk over to his bed which is thankfully not too far from the bathroom since it’s in the room

-And then he helps you lie down under the covers, and then gives you a water bottle + he helps you drink from it since you’re dizzy and can’t really lift your head properly

-Gets into bed after you and just chills beside you, kinda rubbing your back and just making sure you’re not in too much pain (basically ignoring all the work he has to do)

-Makes sure you have food and water almost immediately after you wake up so the dizziness will go away faster

-Diavolo would feel really bad about not being able to help more, and I feel like he’d be the most likely to try to look into other solutions (aka stuff not meant for humans) if you find that human medicine and supplements aren’t doing anything even after months, he doesn’t want to see you in pain ever, let alone every single month, so he’d definitely want to fix the problem as soon as possible (and you do too obviously, although not exactly in the same way)

#lucifer x reader #obey me x reader #obey me! x reader #obey me shall we date #obey me! shall we date?#asmo x reader #asmodeus x reader headcanons #asmo x reader headcanons #diavolo x reader #diavolo x reader headcanons #obey me #om #omswd #omswd x reader #lucifer x reader headcanons #obey me headcanons #om headcanons #obey me!#obey me! headcanons

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studentbyday · 7 days

Text

oops! i did it again. lessons from this school year...

Hey, you remember that post I made about my winter term priorities? HAHAHAHAHahaha ha ha. That plan totally went to shit, but it's all part of the journey, right? 😅 (Tbh, it's quite difficult to make a conscious effort to change yourself when the default response to being and feeling busy is to go on autopilot -> all the unconscious habits, even if unhealthy, take control, and bc it's unconscious, you don't realize it until it gets quite bad! anyway! no more! my future plans make it so this will be impossible to do while still retaining some sense of sanity. so to prep, we're gonna slowly implement little changes so hopefully it's not so overwhelming that i give up)

🧘🏻‍♀️ comparing mindsets in fall and winter term

Fall term was not that bad bc I had 2 STEM subjects I really really loved and was interested in (biochem and mol bio 💕), and despite their difficulty, that love and interest and the feeling that "I am in the right field for me" kept me positive. There were times I thought I would feel burnout symptoms if I wasn't careful, but I really think that positivity protected me from the worst of it.

Winter term, however...I had one favorite subject: moral philosophy, which led to me wistfully dreaming about an AU in which I double majored in philosophy and piano performance, lol. After the highs of biochem and mol bio and the natural ease with which the bits of info flowed together in those subjects, I did not enjoy pharmacology or the 2nd half of psyc as much -> loss of interest -> negativity and feeling like I'm in the wrong field bc how dare I not like pharmacology (or psychology) as much as the other life science-y subjects when it's really so important for us to survive and thrive! 😅 I mean, there were times I could get that spark from pharmacology or psyc, but it wasn't often enough or intense enough to keep me consistently inspired throughout the semester. The feeling of "maybe I don't have what it takes and I'm in the wrong field" was compounded by the re-realization that there's sm to know of bioinformatics and I struggle to know any of it! Persevering is important, but it's harder to persevere with a negative mindset.

😤 what went wrong this school year and what i learned from it

I still struggle with perfectionism (and bc of it, procrastination). While it might not be as bad as it was in high school, I still spent too long on assignments that weren't worth much and during finals season, was so scared of getting less than 90% just to keep up my A+ streak. Like, I'm pretty sure no one who cares to know your GPA cares about whether you have an A+ streak or not. I have too high a threshold for what is a "disappointing" grade. I also struggle with deep regret about how I haven't mastered everything they throw at us in each course... definitely an unrealistic expectation, especially as the proportion of new info to absorb increases with each course. I did what I could using what I knew to do, so it is what it is. I may find ways to make improvements and learn more, but I won't beat myself up for not having known to do those things in the past.

Did not use effective study methods. Since first year, my problem has been keeping up with the readings and my solution has been to just use typed outline notes. It worked for the first few years when it was mostly review from previous courses with a few new concepts in between. But as I progress through my degree, the proportion of completely new info is increasing. This notetaking method won't work anymore bc it just causes cognitive overload, especially during exam season (when I've mostly forgotten the details of everything that isn't smth I've already known for years). E.g. for pharmacology, I got so bogged down by the details of all the drug classes that I didn't see the big picture and so didn't organize the info according to it. This made it hard to see patterns and better chunk the info. I was so stressed during finals season bc of this (and the sheer amount of notes that I had to read for psyc 😭). What makes it feel like even more of a problem is that the cognitive overload problem from my notetaking method has been a thing for all other uni courses thus far, it's just that pharmacology was the first time I needed to create a stronger connecting thread between the otherwise disparate pieces of info (drug classes). In all other courses, that thread was part of the nature of the topic being studied so I eventually understood it as I kept going and mentally re-organized it in my brain...but even then it was hodge-podge and so my depth of mastery was and is so flimsy, and every semester I leave feeling drained and like I wasted the opportunity to maximize my learning. (How dramatic I get about this is also probably tied to my perfectionism, but I still think it would greatly benefit future me to change my notetaking style.)

🎓 advice for future me

Look at the academic calendar, specifically the faculty course descriptions. Look at how many hours they say you should expect to spend on each activity in the course. Try to use those learning hours as a guide for your schedule so that you don't spend too long on an item that isn't worth much. If there isn't such a breakdown, assume one based on whatever they give you or other courses and adjust from there.

Be a more efficient reader by skimming the text first so you can map the flow of info in a way that best creates ease of understanding/synthesis/memory (e.g. via an outline, tree diagram, flowchart, mind map, or simple drawings - and noticing when a list/outline will NOT be helpful bc it'll just be too overwhelming and not easy to compare/contrast info and see patterns). I knowww you've survived thus far without doing it this way and done well, BUT with this many courses, the increasing complexity of each subject, and the overload of info in each, you WILL need to do this to make quicker work of the readings, save you sooo much stress during exam seasons, and improve how much you learn while in school which is the real goal you've wanted to achieve all this time. Don't repeat the mistake you made in pharmacology. And it really doesn't have to be aesthetic and you definitely should NOT get caught up with it if you really wanna learn. You could just use one color for everything and a highlighter and just basic shapes/lines - that alone can be way more effective than boring paragraphs/lists or a colorful, overly complex diagram that'll just distract you from the main point.

Create a realistic daily routine (wake-up and sleep times, start and end times for schoolwork) and be strict about following it. Set your non-negotiables for personal goals to keep up with alongside your schoolwork bc academics aren't everything. Remember how you regretted not devoting more time to extra-curriculars and other skills in high school which would've rounded you out as a person. You can try theming the parts of the day so that you don't have to think about what task you should do first after study breaks and keep up the momentum (e.g. mornings for readings and notes, afternoons for active recall/homework). Then you can live the rest of the day after school as structured or unstructured as you wish. If this strategy doesn't work for you, you don't have to use it.

Take advantage of interleaving so you don't get bored. Whether by following the theming strategy or just switching subjects every hour, idc if you aren't done yet, you better switch bc the second consecutive hour of the same thing is never as effective as the first.

#studyblr #studyspo #study motivation #becoming that girl #pink aesthetic #study tips #study advice #personal post #100dop #100 days of productivity #stemblr #stem academia #stem student #100 days of studying #100 days of self discipline #perfectionism #study strategies #mental health #chaotic academia

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creatingblackcharacters · 19 days

Note

i really enjoyed your lessons on black hair and it's allowed me to think a lot more deeply about the character arc of one of my black characters and how his hair style would change as he progresses through his story.

there is a part of the story where he lives completely on his own, survivalist style for a couple years, and i was wondering if it would be realistic for him to maintain a box braid hairstyle during this time or if i should look into other options for his hair during this period of his arc. what tools would he need to do his hair on his own?

i appreciate the work you're doing here and also your art that you've shared! i love your use of color in character design <3

That's good! I'm glad to hear that you applied what you learned. And thanks 🥺 I feel like I gotta get better with colors but I appreciate it 🥹

(actually, unless you're the same anon, I have another anon asking about hair- this is an example!)

If you mean simple box braids where they look like this:

It's not impossible....... but...... It still would take effort. He'd at least need access to water, some sort of oil or moisturizer, and a small tooth comb for parting. And time. Here's a video on a beginner friendly way where she didn't blow dry his hair; I say that bc I doubt he has the electricity for a neater, blow dried box braid. Tbh I doubt he'd want to keep focusing on it all that much though, given he's trying to survive.

Now, you already know my bias- LOCS! Freeform, even. Never even think about it outside of occasionally pulling them apart. Or, if he started locs before he went on this journey, they'd be neater.

Or, if he's got access to a pick, razor and/or scissors, might just be a regular ol short afro time for him. If it were me, and the point were survival and I was by myself, id focus on ease and using as little of my resources as possible, and an Afro would be my choice.

Still, it's up to you! Those are just my thoughts.

#creatingblackcharacters

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hiddenhearthwitch · 2 months

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do u have any tips/advice on how to identify and separate intrusive thoughts vs anxiety vs coincidence vs ‘this a fucking sign from the gods PAY ATTENTION’ cause tbh i feel so alone and def fuckng insane :)

First of all sugs, you're not alone. 💚 I definitely struggle with intrusive thoughts and it can be a terrible struggle between a "sign" and "wow you're in a park of course you saw a bird". You're not insane, there's just a lot in the world and even inside yourself for one human brain to process. I'm going to try to break this up into intrusive thoughts + anxiety then into coincidence + signs because it feels easier to lay out that way. We'll talk magical and mundane ways to work through this. I'm sending you good vibes babes. 🤍✨

I constantly have to remind myself that thoughts are not facts and I shouldn’t believe everything I think.

Sometimes when I have an intrusive thought I visualize myself as this dope ass paladin and I literally fight my thoughts away? I just close my eyes and meditate and focus on being the strong person I want to be and slay my own dragons. Sometimes that’s too hard and I just picture All Might because he’s Best Dad, if you have a favorite character I would give it a shot.

Aromatherapy bracelets and necklaces can be super helpful as well. Medicinally speaking lavender, chamomile, and opium would be the most mentally easing. Magically speaking pine, oak, lavender, valerian root, and hawthorn are all great for stability/protection in my experience.

I personally carry around a sachet of onyx, rose quartz, lavender, pine, and oak.

You can minimize the damage of intrusive thoughts with self-help. This includes being mindful in the wake of an intrusive thought. Don’t waste your time obsessing over why you had that thought or what it all means. I’ve noticed once I learned to get past asking, “why am I thinking this?” all the time they don’t weigh as heavily on me. You are not your thoughts.

Intrusive thoughts are kind of just like a really loud boombox to me. Usually, if I listen to music I can really get into I can quiet down the thoughts. For the past four months or so Nujabes has been amazing musician to turn too. This past month Modal Soul has been the album that helps the most. It usually takes me a full album to feel normal again and I feel albums give me more stability than a playlist but honestly do what’s best for you.

Compulsive behavior can manifest when you try to change who you are based on the intrusive thoughts you experience. Changing who you are and your reality because of a thought that isn’t necessarily rational is the worst way to go about it. Stop trying to change who you are so you can adjust to your thoughts. Try to think about yourself in a third person perspective, “what would (insert name here) do in this situation?” This might not work for everyone but it’s helped me out once I started noticing the patterns.

From a magical perspective I’ve noticed moonstone is the stone that helps me the most. However most of my intrusive thoughts are PTSD related and I feel like moonstone helps me because it’s also stabilizing and can help prevent dissociation. I do also really enjoy onyx, tigers eye, and rose quartz as well!

Learn to recognize the starting signs for your intrusive thoughts. When my intrusive thoughts begin, they usually start off pretty simple. It’s one thought that feeds into a bigger insecurity or fear. Once you can spot the first thought you can start fighting it.

On the focus of coincidence versus a sign:

If I'm unsure if it's a sign I ask myself why I'm looking for a sign or if my gods made it clear to me to look out for one. Am I in a turning point in my life? Do I know I need guidance? Did previous divination point towards a sign coming my way?

Sometimes coincidence is the sign. If you're trying to decide if you want a purple or green wedding fit and you're driving down the road and see a shit ton of purple cars. I would call that a sign. If it's something you're actively thinking about and then it's glaringly in your face - I read that as a sign.

I've personally asked my gods to send me a sign three times if they're trying to tell me something. So that way I know.

I also take into account where I am. For example: I tend to read falcons and hawks as a sign or general greeting from Freyja. I live five miles from a national park though - hawks are every where, if I'm looking I can pretty much always find one or two on the way to or from work. Not really a sign if it's just local ecosystem at play.

That being said - they can still be signs. It's one thing if a bird of pray is just sitting on a lamp post. It's another to see it sitting on my car or catching a snake right outside my window. Common things aren't always signs - it can just be the mundane. That's when it's important to think about how it appeared and how it made you feel. Intuition is a powerful tool.

Ask yourself how you're feeling. I know this is probably a typical response but I know I personally read into everything when I'm anxious. I will catastrophize. Anything and everything becomes a sign of impending doom, fear of failure, etc. It's important to be aware of your inner dialogue and feelings when looking for signs.

If divination is a strong suit for you, consider using your divination tools as a way to verify if something was or was not a sign.

This is 100% personal belief but if a deity comes to me in a dream I will always read it as a sign. My dreams with gods are far and few between but relationships with them run very deep.

I'm not sure if any of this really helped or made sense but I hope it did. Good luck on your endeavors friend. 💐

#asks #answered #witchblr #beginner witch #witch tips #witch community #beginner pagan

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catboybiologist · 4 months

Note

Uhuuuugvvvvbbb how are you hot transgedr a hiker a diver and a PHD what the hell

Honest truth?

How am I hot? Well the masks stays on for a reason LOL. But tbh I've already seen HRT changes and I might feel ready for full face pics soon ish.

How am I transgendr? Manufacturer's error at the tronginder factory so tragic 😔 But in a serious sense, an in-house gender care specialist at my university's health center makes HRT and therapy access so much easier and have eased the complication of transition a lot

A hiker? Decently easy hobby/activity to fit in, good for weekends or day trips. It's the main way I exercise these days, and most of my time off is centered around being outdoors as well.

A diver? To be fair, this is the first casualty of a busy schedule. I haven't been SCUBA diving in a LONG time because of the difficulty in logistics and cost. Freediving is much easier, because I can do it alone (with extra precautions) and I live within walking distance of a fairly nice marine preserve, so I can do it on weekends or even evenings.

A PhD student? Oh this one is easy! I hate myself and don't value my time or money! /s I could write a whole thing about time management in a PhD that would be wildly different than most peoples takes, but tbh I'm a little burnt out and I'm planning a short hiatus to fix that (and also to make social transition easier lol)

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brighttears · 8 months

Text

Battery II Charged

Joel Miller x f!reader

Series masterlist

No physical description

Summary: On the road, your ease lasts only a couple hours before your luck runs out. An overhead confession from Joel leaves your head spinning.

Word count: 4.9k

Warnings: mention of Joel’s pill abuse, mention of death, suicide, and grief

A/n: not super exciting tbh, good stuff’s at the end. i’m gonna be fucking with some cannon stuff just so i’m not just rewriting scenes from the show so some things are changed/missing! don’t worry Joel stops being an ass like halfway through this and then we will have soft Joel from now on (mostly, probably)

—

You’ve been up for hours before anyone else wakes, Tess being the first, wandering into the room, obviously having just opened her eyes.

“Hey.” She says when she sees you.

“Hey.”

“Coffee?”

“You have coffee?”

“I’ll take that as a yes,” she chuckles, strolling into the kitchen to start a pot.

“Thanks,” you say as you get up from the couch, stretching.

“Joel’ll be up soon. Just has to shake off those pills.”

“Does he take those a lot?”

She nods, “Can’t blame him.”

“Why not?”

She turns to you, resting her elbows on the counter behind her. “Let’s just leave it as I can’t blame him.”

You nod. Not your business. Just as long as he doesn’t take them on the road. “Are they coming with us?”

Tess shakes her head, “Nah, he’s not stupid.”

As if on cue, Joel emerges, looking lost. He glances at you, double takes, eyes still almost half shut, and then shambles over to Tess, placing his hand on the handle of the coffee pot.

“It’s not done yet. Just put it on.” Tess tells him. He grumbles incoherently and then goes to slide into a seat at the table, rubbing his hands over his face. “You gonna be good to get outta here soon?” He nods slowly, face still in his hands.

“I can help you guys get packed up if you want,” you offer.

“Sure, you can help me get some stuff together. It’s all under the floorboards in the bedroom.” Tess answers.

Joel speaks up, audibly groggy, “No. She doesn't need to touch anythin’. I can handle it fine myself.”

You sigh, unable to stop yourself from rolling your eyes, and Tess chuckles.

“Whatever you say, sir.” You salute him. Joel stares at you, then looks to the floor, shakes his head, and peels himself out of his seat to trudge into the bedroom. You ignore the scraping of furniture on the floor and choose to join Tess at the table.

“Is he always like this?” You whisper, sipping the best cup of coffee you’ve ever had, granted you haven’t had one in at least a decade.

She shakes her head, making a face as she sips from her own mug, “He’s better once he warms up to you. But, he’s kinda just that kind of guy, you know? He’s a good guy, and he can be sweet, but, world’s really fucked with his head, you know how it is. He was a whole different person before.”

“You knew him?”

“No, but I knew his brother. He told me what he used to be like. Huge softy, if you can believe it.”

You nod and sip, trying to picture that in Joel. “So, what’s the whole story with him and his brother?” You whisper.

“Well,” she sighs, “they were together from day one. I met them a few years ago, we ran with a crew for a while, met some Fireflies, and Tommy wanted to split and go with them. They kind of had a falling out, Joel and I stuck together, came here. They were communicating through the radio towers but Tommy stopped responding a few weeks ago. That's when we started looking for a car, go out and find him. Just got a tip he might be somewhere in Wyoming, so that’s where we’re going.”

“You think he might be somewhere in Wyoming?” You repeat back, giving her a leery look. You’re not in love with that plan—Wyoming is very far and a big state, there might already be nothing to find there. But, on second thought, you don't really care. You’ll be in a car with two capable people, and that is more than you can ask for. You’re fine just being along for the ride.

“You got anything better to do?”

“Nope.” You chuckle, and she returns one, smiling into her cup.

Yeah, you guess you are friends. The thought almost makes you choke on your coffee; a whole year with nothing like this, only passing faces, fake friends created for the sole purpose of getting something out of it, and, well, Rat King. But now, you’re exchanging an honest smile and chuckles with a woman over coffee. What a lucky break, to have met Tess.

Ruining the moment, Joel plods back into the room, filling up a mug and choosing to lean against the sink rather than take a seat at the table with you.

“I’m not infected, you know.” You say to him. “Not contagious with anything. And if I smell, you smell worse.”

“Fuck are you talkin’ about.” He says into his mug, squinting.

“You’re acting like if you come too close I'm gonna put a knife to your throat.” You stare at him in all his beheaded glory, marks from the sheets not yet faded from his cheek. “I don’t bite.”

Joel just stares back, then, finally and reluctantly, he takes a seat across from you at the table.

“Ok, I’m serious,” Tess says, setting her mug down, “you two better not keep this shit up. It started off cute, but now it’s getting real fucking annoying.”

“Cute?” Joel says, screwing his face up, and you say over him, “I’m not doing anything.”

“Alright, alright,” Tess puts her hands up, “we’re gonna cut this shit out now. You two, shake hands.”

“What?” Joel screws his face up again. You sip your coffee, looking between them.

“Shake her hand.” Tess gestures, raising her eyebrows at him. Joel moues. It’s been nothing more than irritating so far, but now, it’s starting to hurt your feelings a little. You haven’t done anything wrong. For god’s sake, he should be on his knees thanking you for what you're doing for him. What is it about you that’s so wrong?

Finally, he offers his hand, and you shake, his hold firm and warm.

A shock suddenly runs through you as if he was a live wire, and you feel like your skin is melting in the most delightful way possible. The moment of contact is over in a second, but you feel that something inside of you has shifted. You can’t put your finger on what it is, but it feels like trouble. You set your hand on your leg, but it’s as if the warmth from his hand has been transmitted through your skin and onto your thigh. You quickly take your hand away to place on your mug, warm like it’s supposed to be. Your eyes are stuck on each others, but neither glares. Just, stuck. His are brown like dark bark in the sun, rich, deep, pretty. You look down at the table.

“Alright, we got that taken care of?” You hear Tess.

“Yeah.” You answer, eyes still on the table. Joel clears his throat before he copies your response, his tone devastatingly unrevealing. You will your gaze back up only to be caught in his again, and you look around at the wall, down at your coffee, and back up, all in a second, only to be caught again. He holds it for a moment before looking down at the table. Whatever this feeling he’s giving you stinks to high heaven of trouble.

“Alright, good, then let’s get the fuck outta here.” Tess concludes.

You bring the battery back up on your back while Joel and Tess carry the rest of everything you’ll have for a while, abandoning your coffee, not even bothering to place the mugs in the sink. This place will be left exactly as it is, but neither of them seem to mind leaving all of this behind. You leave the apartment and then follow the two wordessly through a maze that eventually leads out past the gates, ending in emerging from a literal hole in the ground. Once outside, still crouching on the ground, you take a deep breath of fresh air, free from smoke and ash and stink. The dawn is breathtaking, being seen for the first time in years, half of the sky barely past midnight's shadow, pulled up like a shade by blood orange leading down to the peachy halo of the sun somewhere behind the toppled buildings, speckled and tangled with green. A flock of birds pass overhead, dancing in the smearing sky. You could laugh.

“Focus,” Joel hisses, looking at you over his shoulder, also crouched, scowl back in play, though it’s understandable in the stress of the moment. You nod. He’s right. Plenty of time for this later. Right now, you’re still not quite in the clear.

The three of you scamper silently through the badlands between the Boston QZ and freedom. As you venture out, though, your excitement begins to fade, realizing that you’ve been looking through rose colored glasses for a while now. The QZ is a shithole, but out here is just a much wider shithole. There's less people, no rules, but neither of those pluses are as good as they had been sounding in your head. Less people, because they’re mostly dead or infected, the rest being not much more than animals who know how to talk sweet. No rules, means, well, no rules, no morals, just the loose goal of ‘survive’, which translates to fight dirty, do anything you can, anything to survive. Live to fight another day.

“How far’s the car?” You ask, the first to speak.

“Not far.” Tess responds, distracted as she scans your surroundings. You're in the city now, the remains of it at least, weaving around crashed cars and large, rocky craters, twenty years of weather and neglect preceded by bombings and a storm of hysteria. You were expecting Joel to say something like ‘We’ll get there when we get there’, but he stays silent, eyes also scanning around. You seem less fazed. Are you not scared enough? Or have they just been inside longer than you have? You do feel like an animal in its natural environment, ears knowing what sound to look at, eyes knowing what movement to check, agile feet over the broken mounds of rock and glass and all of the other debris out in the open broken world.

“The car’s supposed to be at the church on Park Street. Few minutes walk from here.” Tess finally answers you.

“I know where that is.”

“Good for you.” Joel says.

“Fuck off.” You reply.

“Excuse you,” Joel looks at you, screwing his face up.

“Hey,” Tess interjects, shooting both of you a look, “Jesus, I feel like the parent of two disobedient kids. Knock it off.”

Joel huffs and looks at the ground. You smirk to yourself, seeing him again as a pouting dog being checked by his owner.

It’s silent until you reach the church, red brick with a steeple reaching high into the sky. Parked directly in front of it, as if on display, is an old Dodge Caravan, white with fake wood siding, dusted with dirt, wheel wells caked in dried mud.

“This thing looks like it’s from the 90s,” Tess comments. “You think it’ll run?”

“It better.” You say, shoulders aching with a vengeance from the battery still hanging from them.

“You said that right.” Joel adds gruffly.

You stop at the front and lower yourself to the ground to unload the battery from your bag. Finally free of the thing, you stretch your shoulders back with a deep sigh.

“Surprised your back’s not broken by now.” Joel says as he comes to squat next to you, looking over the battery.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothin’,” he glances at you, “jus’ maybe we shoulda traded bags.”

“I can handle it.” You retort, though he sounds honestly well intentioned, “I’m not weak.”

“Wasn’t callin’ you weak. What, I can't say anythin’ without it bein’ an insult?”

“That’s all it’s been so far.”

Joel just sighs, then stands to open the hood of the car. You stand to look inside with him; all looks right, though you’re not sure you know enough to make a judgment.

“How’s it look?”

“Looks fine.” Joel says, then bends down to take his pack off and dig through it, pulling out a couple tools which he sets on the ground before hefting the battery up and into the empty space under the hood, grunting with its weight.

“You came prepared, huh?”

“Sure did.” Joel mumbles as he picks up the tools and leans over the engine to start working on it.

“How do you know how to do all that?”

“Used to be a mechanic.”

“I thought you were a contractor.” Tess questions, coming up beside you.

“Before that.” Joel replies, “When I was in high school.”

“I can just see you now,” Tess chuckles, “jumpsuit all covered in oil, you name embroidered on the little pocket.”

You laugh at the thought—Joel leaning over a car, jumpsuit tied around his waist as he works, dirty white t-shirt straining against his back muscles and those broad shoulders—”Fuck,” you say to yourself, startled by your own thoughts.

“What?” Joel looks back at you, panic in his eyes.

You dart your eyes away, shaking the thoughts of him out of your head. “Nothing, nothing, sorry.”

“You sure?” Tess asks, raising her eyebrows at you.

“Yeah, yeah, it was nothing, really, sorry. Is the car ready?”

“Just about.” Joel replies as he leans in close to continue with a wrench.

“You sure you remember how to do it right?” You say, recovering yourself. He pauses to glare at you but doesn’t respond.

“Let’s hope he does.” Tess says.

He glares at her too, then states, “I know how to do it. Just give me a damn minute.

“Alright,” Tess chuckles, raising her hands defensively, then steps back to examine the van. She slides over the side door to step inside, “Damn, look at this thing. We could sleep in here.”

You come over to peek next to her, “How the fuck did you score this?”

“Beat it outta someone.”

“Really?”

“Yup. Desperate times call for desperate measures.”

“Must have been a good beating.”

“It was.” Joel calls from the front, then drops the hood down and comes around to get into the driver's seat. A pair of keys fall into his lap when he drops the visor down, and he takes a deep breath before easing the keys in and turning the ignition. The van roars to life, and you all laugh with delight, Joel clapping his hands and whooping.

“Hol–ly–shit,” You laugh, half of it being at Joel’s sudden enthusiasm, “look at that.”

“Look at that.” Joel repeats, and you watch his grin through the front mirror.

Just as he catches you, Tess says, “Alright, let me out.” You step back out and she walks around to get into the passenger seat, “Alright, grab your shit and let’s go before our luck runs out.

You and Joel nearly bump into each other as he gets out and he mumbles a sorry before you both go to gather your things. He hands you your bag and you mumble back a thank you. The relief from having a working car must have flooded all the resenting sarcasm out of you, and you actually almost smile at each other as you both get back in. You flump onto the backseat, sighing as you rest against the cushion, rolling your aching shoulders again.

“Thank god I don’t have to carry that thing anymore. N’ I’ve got plenty of room in my bag for all the shit we have to pick up now.”

“What’s our first stop?” Joel asks, adjusting the mirror to look at you.

“About twenty miles west.”

“What am I lookin’ for?”

“Gas station. BP. Next spot’s just the same, gas station about thirty miles west from that one.”

“Alright, perfect, we’ll see if we can find some gas.” He says as he puts the car in drive and starts out, rounding the corner, “We’ll be there in no time.”

You lean back in your seat and let yourself smile. It all worked out. With a car, dare you say, it looks like smooth sailing from here.

“Lemme see if I can find some music,” Tess says, digging through the glove box. “Oh, shit,” she chuckles, pulling out a CD, “Don fuckin’ McLean. Were you ever into him?” She asks Joel.

“Shit, is that American Pie?” He asks hopefully, glancing at it held out in Tess’s hand, “Oh shit, put that on. I love this album.”

You chuckle from the backseat. Such a wholesome little moment, and as Tess slides the CD in and the music starts to play, an air of ease falls over the cabin. Morning sun cascades through the windows and you squint through the dirty pane, watching your surroundings start to speed up past you. On the road again, heading somewhere far, finally free again. No more curfews or guards, no more fucking ration cards or deals in basements. You look ahead to the front seat at your new companions, catching a small smile on Tess’s lips. All you can see of Joel is his shoulder and his hair, wavy and stroked with silver. In the mirror, his eyes are locked on the road, but his brow is relaxed, and there might even be a smile of his own hidden under it. Leaning back in your seat and looking back out the window, the music in your ears for the first time in many years filling you up with giddy warmth, you think you could get used to this.

—

The next couple hours are in fact smooth sailing, both stops being stress free and bountiful, two crates, found exactly where you’d left them, full of food, guns, and ammo next to you on the seat with two red jugs full of gas on the floor below them.

The car breaks down just past the border of Massachusetts.

“Shit.” Joel seethes, waving the gray smoke away from his face as he slams the hood shut. “T’s done.” He announces, looking at you and Tess.

“Fuck.” She mutters, closing her eyes and dropping her head.

You watch the fumes slinking out from the hood. It was foolish to think this thing would take you all the way across the country. Of course it would break down within two fucking hours. Why not?

“Come here and help me get this shit out before the car explodes.” You say, going back to open the side door and start packing whatever you can fit into your bag. You shove another gun into the back of your jeans and empty half a box of bullets into your jacket pocket. Joel is behind you when you back out, and you shove a crate into his hands, “I got most of it. Just take whatever else you can fit in your pack. Same with Tess. We’ll probably have to leave some behind.”

Joel does as you ask, kneeling to unload the contents of the crate and dividing it up for the two of them. Once everyone’s pack is filled to the brim, you leave only a few things behind, set in crates next to the car, and set off on foot.

Joel traces his finger over the folded map found in the glove compartment as you walk. “We’ll just follow route 20. Maybe take a turn at, uh, Albany, ‘bout a day's walk. That’s the next real town, pretty much just farmland for a while.”

“Great.” Tess says through tight lips.

—

At dusk, you decide to call it a day, though you’re only a few hours away from Albany. You set up under an overpass and light a small fire before nightfall takes away the option. Everyone is all deep sighs as you sit back to rest, no one used to all that walking. Your shoulders are still throbbing, a lasting consequence of that damn battery, and you pull your shirt down to see red bruises covering both sides, flashing like a mockery in the light of the flames.

“Damn, that battery really did a number on you.” Tess comments, leaning over to examine the bruising.

“I can’t decide if it was even fucking worth it.” You say, readjusting your shirt with a huff.

“Well, commendable act.” Tess sighs, resting her arms over spread knees.

“Thanks,” you mumble, not used to genuine praise.

After a moment, Joel says, “You look tired.” You look up at him and he’s staring with puppy dog eyes, probably unintentionally, but puppy dog eyes just the god damn same.

“I am.” You mumble, not meaning to be honest about it.

“Well,” he grunts as he stands, pulling his gun out, double checking it’s loaded, and leaning against the concrete wall, “I’ll take first watch. Tess, I’ll wake you up in a few hours.”

“This is starting to sound like you still don’t trust me.” You say.

“T’s not.” Joel says, “You just look the most tired.”

You sigh, torn between a longing for sleep and hesitancy to be in such a vulnerable position.

As if reading your mind, Tess assures you, “Don’t worry, we’re not gonna kill ya or split. We’re in this together now, and we need you sharp. Get some sleep.” She nods her head to the ground. You pause, then obey, curling up on the hard ground with your hands between your knees and pack under your head. You’re out within minutes, being more exhausted than you had realized.

—

An almost silent scuffle is enough to wake you up and tense every single muscle in your body, but the two familiar, faint voices relax them just as fast. It must just be Joel waking up Tess for her watch, chatting in between shifts. Their low tones tell you this isn’t for you to hear, but you listen anyway.

“She’s jus’… she’s just so damn… pretty.” You hear Joel. Who is? …Who else would it be, but you? At this realization, your face lights on fire. Tess starts to chuckle, but then it turns into cackling, as quiet as she can manage.

“Sh!”

You can hear the wild grin on her face as she whispers, “You have a crush on her!”

You want to squirm, twist your legs up, but you stay still. You don’t understand the impulse, but you don’t like it, either. You feel like a fucking highschooler; a callback to an alien world, but you haven’t felt anything like it since.

“No, I do not, now be quiet before you wake her up.”

“Yes, yes you do,” she continues to stifle laughter.

“No the fuck I don’t.” A pause. Then, “Shit, maybe I do.” He groans, voice muffled, “I’m fucked, aren’t I, god, I’m so fucked.”

Oh, shit.

“Yes, yes you are.” Tess chuckles.

The worst part is that you’re just as fucked as he is. It seems to be hitting you both at the same time. A crush, yes, that’s what the young aliens used to call it. A fucking crush. Maybe it’s due to time, being much, much, older—hundreds of years older, it seems—but this crush doesn’t feel like any one you’ve had before. Maybe because it’s Joel, like no one you’ve ever met. But, how, exactly? You’ve met damaged people, you’ve met people just as cold, just as standoffish. No man has exactly been this standoffish to you, though; most men you’ve met on the road have tried something within a couple days, even if it’s been in a group. Warm bodies. Hungry animals. Horny survivors.

There’s no way you’re going back to sleep now. Your mind is spinning, gyrating, tying itself into knots. Joel, Joel, what is it about him? You’ve met handsome men. You’ve slept with a couple handsome men. You even held one of their hands once. But, Joel, you’ve barely even touched.

Pretty. That’s all he said. Is he just another horny survivor? None you’ve known have confided in anyone, cared to discuss it with someone. And not anyone has ever used the word crush. Come to think of it, most of them only use the word sexy to describe you, just to say, hey, you’re so sexy, let me fuck you. That’s about it.

Joel, Joel, Joel, shit, what is it?

“Ah, Jesus,” Joel says.

“A crush, wow. Gotta say, I was not expecting that from you. I always thought you were a pork ‘er and move on, never say a word about how you actually feel kinda guy.”

“Hey, you callin’ me a slut?” Joel says. Tess tries to muffle her laughter but it burst out of her hands. “Sh!” She sounds like she has her hands pressed firmly against her mouth, but she’s still laughing.

“Yes, actually, I am calling you a slut.” She finally manages to say, “I mean, with us, it was never like that. I mean, did you have a crush on me? Because, I’m sorry, but I wouldn’t call it that.”

“No,” Joel whispers. “It wasn’t like that. I mean, you know I… care about you, all that. But, yeah, y’know, it was jus’…”

“Yeah, we’re on the same page, don’t worry.”

“Jesus, Tess, this is… goddammit, I don’t have time for this shit. I mean, what should I—what should I do?”

“Don’t look at me, loverboy. I’ve got nothin’. Are you gonna tell her?”

“Fuck no.”

Tess chuckles, “Why?”

“Why on earth would I? This is my problem, not hers. You think shit’s tense now, imagine how’d it be with that piece of fuckin’ information hangin’ in the air.”

“You don’t think she likes you back, do you?”

“Of course she doesn’t.”

“What makes you say that?”

“I—well, I mean,” Joel stammers, “why the fuck would she? Look at me, I’m just some fuckin’... old man, who—who—”

“Oh, shut the fuck up, Joel. Don’t sell yourself short. You’re a good guy. You’re handsome. You’re kind. You’re gentle. You’re a fuckin’ badass. You’re—holy shit, you’re blushing,”

“Would you keep your fuckin’ voice down?”

“Aw, you’re killing me, Joel. I’ve never seen you like this. Never. She has got a fucking hold on you, doesn’t she?”

“Tess, stop fuckin’ around, and just tell me what to do.”

“Hey, I told you, I’ve got no advice on this one. Crushes are not my strong suit. I’m sorry, but you’re on your own on this one.”

“Ah, don’t tell me that. Shit, Tess, come on,” he nearly whines, “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do.”

“Alright, why don’t you just sleep on it?”

There’s a pause, then Joel sighs, and you hear him shifting into place on the ground behind you.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. This is bad. But it feels good. But it feels bad. You’re almost nauseous with the number of wings fluttering in your chest, almost dizzy, and you realize you’ve been biting the inside of your cheek so much it hurts. Half of your brain is having a party while the other half is looking for a knife to stick in its chest. What does this mean? What’s going to happen? What do you want to happen?

What do you want?

Joel is the first word that comes to mind, and you want to bang it out of your head and into the ground. But there it is, sticking like a bullet under your skin. Should you talk to Tess about it? The only person you can talk to? Tell her you heard everything? Or should you tell Joel? Oh, god, you don’t even know how you’d broach the subject to him.

What, are you two gonna start holding hands now? What else do couples do—oh, god, couples, what, are you gonna start dating? You almost laugh to yourself but you catch it before either of them realize you’re not asleep like you’re supposed to be. This is all like an out of body experience. None of this exists.

Your mind wanders to the one time you have seen something like this—Agatha and John, who you met on the road along with a few others; the lovers, everyone always used to call them. Joined at the hip, linked by their hands almost all of the time. You used to make fun of them for their googly eyes at each other, but they never minded. They were in love, and they knew it, everyone did. Marriage without the $25 piece of paper or veil and bowtie. There was always this rosy air about them, their love was enchanting, so real, so innocent, so sweet.

And then John died. And then Agatha killed herself.

The whole group fell apart after that.

That’s why all of this, ever since the second you touched him, just that shaking of his hand, had given you such a bad feeling. Because you knew what it was, and even before you found the word for it, you knew it’d end bad.

What John and Agatha had was the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen, even before the world ended. They found each other, and they chose it—love, despite everything, the ugliness, the loss, the loathsome world. And it was so pure, like an angelic little bubble that they floated in. The way they touched each other, the fleeting passes over waists and arms, they way they flowed like a living duet. The way they held each other, when they cried, when they laughed, just, whenever they could. You’ve never seen people sleep so peacefully. The love was tangible between them.

And then when John died, Agatha fell apart, like an angel from heaven, like a baby bird from a nest, into a pile of feathers and blood. She was a shell. For a week. And then she killed herself. She couldn’t live without him.

You envied her before. And then, immediately, you mourned her.

These violent delights have violent ends.

Love is dangerous. A crush is a bullet with god cocking the gun.

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