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not-a-big-slay · 1 year

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The boys' love languages

The Bad Batch x gn!reader

i am mentally unwell, i need this

warnings: mentions of crosshair on kamino in his part, mentions of having insecurities in echo's and wrecker's part

a/n: this fic is gender neutral, but because i fantisized myself there, its possible i did a mistake somewhere, so please, if you see some, point it out <3

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Hunter

main love language: acts of service

other: physical touch

Hunter's love language is definitely acts of service

he is such a fuckin gentleman

he offers you a hand whenever you go out of the ship or inside

or if you fall, his hand would be the first thing you'd see

also, he is soo protective of you

whenever there's danger he will put his hand on your lowerback to reassure you that he is there

and if you have some undercover thing, he will stay as close to you as possible if the place is unsafe

god forbid you get hurt bc that's when he's truly worried

he tries to stay calm when it's a little wound or a scratch, but when you go unconsious or lose blood BOI DOES HE FREAK OUT

he will stay by your side 24/7 or how long it's needed, bringing you meals and doing everything you desire

and when you're sick he will be making some good ass soup that they gave them on Kamino whenever they had a cold (assuming they did)

and he lets you sleep BY THE WALL, bravely facing the demons and protecting you from them

he also loves when you try to protect him, even though you're smaller and definitely not as skilled, but it still means a lot to him

it warms his heart when you hear some loud noise and put your hand in front of him

he does the same thing by instinct so you both just smile when your hands bump on their way to protect

his second love language might be physical touch

he is the big spoon but won't complain when you wrap your hands around him sometimes

my bro asks for consent once on a specific thing and then not again, if you don't feel like it at the moment, a simple not now or no is all that's needed

then he will ask again after a while

you also have to ask for consent (i mean obviously), Hunter loves touch, but sometimes enough is enough and something's may be too far for his sensitive sense

but it goes both ways: you ask once for specific thing

forehead kisses and hugs from behind is his morning routine and at this point, it's more frequent than breakfast

if you don't get one or the other in the morning, it feels uncomftortable, and you know something is wrong

he doesn't do PDA

not that he hates it, his mind is just in a different place in public, as yall go outside mostly because of a mission

but once on the Maraurder, Hunter takes a nap with you and cuddle if you're down

and you are, everytime

Tech

main love language: gift giving/receiving

other: quality time

tech's love is told by many useless small gifts, but you cherish them for ever

he gives you wire bracelts, metal ring, everything he finds useless remade into something either wearable or hangable

how better to express his love when he fixes a lot of things and sees these things daily

you always wear them, even though you have a lot of rings from him now, you always change them so he feels loved and validated

that doesn't mean he only likes giving gifts to you, he also loves when you give him something yourself

you don't make gifts like he does, lacking the skill he obviously has, but you find lots of different stuff on missions and you so far brought him an old antic vase, cute shiny stones and a small crystal

he is also taking care of a plant you gave him, anxious it might be poisonous, but he reassured you it's not (although you knew he might be lying to not hurt your feelings, so you keep an eye out when Omega gets too close to it)

you used to bring him bracelets and rings, but Tech noticed they are quite expensive and realized you stole most of them, so he forbid it

yet you sometimes do and proceed to lie about where you got it (he knows you are lying, but he loves your stubborness so much he lets it slide)

Tech doesn't give you presents that often, but only because he worry it would tire you, so he keeps it special that way

and when he'll be sure about marriage, he will propose with one of his homemade rings

his other love language might be quality time

Tech loves to talk a lot about his work and random knowledge he posseses, so he needs someone to listen

luckily, you will always be there (luckily for him and for the others when they realized they don't need to pretend interest anymore)

you listen to him talk about his day and he sometimes teaches you basic coding or repairs

and you're not like his brothers, you actually listen and ask interesting questions he more than gladly answers

he likes to hear you talk about your interests as well, listening to every word coming out of your mouth

because he learns about things he's interested in, he loves to spend his free time with you, getting to know you

and yes, he knows every small detail you said

if you only mentioned you hate fish, he will take it as his job to fix that information with you and use it if necessary ("Tonight's dinner is fish". Hunter would say and you would automatically prepared to respond with:"oh i-", but Tech would be faster than you and say as an obvious fact:" Y/N hates fish. they will need something else.")

Echo

main love language: words of affirmation

other: light physical touch

Echo, my baby, needs to be reassured of your love

he has gone through a LOT and he's been alone all this time

so he will need some cute loving words to know he has you on his side

i'm not happy saing this, but he surely is insecure

all the horrible changes that made him almost part robot can't be helping him with self-image and self-esteem (he is beautiful though, isn't he)

so when you say things like: i love every part of you, youre so beautiful, i adore you whole, it leaves him with butterflies everywhere

he is addicted to your voice, it calms him

he likes to be reassured or your love when he's nervous or anxious, a light it's ok or you got this improves his mood instantly

he doesn't need to hear them every minute but it's nice to get your affirmation once a day

but you obviously tell him more than once a day, you tell him almost every hour, thinking it might be too much (spoiler: it isn't)

he also creates petnames for you

some are basic: love, cyare, mesh'la, darling, ...

but some are specifically for you, you have never heard them from someone else: shining, bubble, ka'ra (star, stars)

of course he says i love you back

he even adds a spice to it, because words are his way of loving, and he loves you a LOT

he sometimes says i adore you or your favorite i draw you in my dreams (only in private though, god forbid for his brothers to hear.)

my man's a poet when it comes to you, which surprised you, because he didn't look very outspoken when you met him

he is still quiet though, he saves his words for you

when words can't describe his love, touch comes into place

now, Echo isn't a big fan of physical stuff, Techno Union made sure of that, but a light squeez on his hand or a kiss on his temple is something he can get used to

the most used thing he does is putting his forehead against yours after an intense job or just an exhausting day

he loves good night and good morning kisses, as well as an afternoon hug from behind

he won't cuddle you at night, he is the most vurnerable in his sleep and when you hug him tightly, it feels like he can't breathe or feels trapped

it's nothing against you, he just likes his space at night

but if you have a nightmare, he will surely spoon you for comfort, just not too tightly

Crosshair

main love language: quality time

other: acts of service

this man is a sucker for some one-on-one

Cross doesn't trust easily, so he needs to get to know you more

and once he takes a liking in you, he wants to know everything there is to tell about you, through and through

every alone time spent together he opens up more and more, you are giving him the time he needs, which he appreciates, but also holding a cards close to your chest, not telling him everything at once, which drives him crazy

but he loves it deep down, it makes him more drawn to you

of course not every hang out is spend by talking, sometimes it's just about each other's presence

you casually help him clean his rifle, he helps you with whatever you need

some days he doesn't feel like talking, but he will be right beside you, watching you work, or just listen to you talk about anything

he likes listening to your rambles, he learns more about you like that, your interests and hobbies as well as bad habits and coping mechanisms

occasionally, he talks about the history of the batch before you joined or some of his favorite missions, you noticed he especially took liking in telling stories where Wrecker gets slightly hurt, smirking a bit when he tells you how he hit his head escaping Separatist's tanks as a distraction, but ended up unconcious

you love to listen to him, mostly being quiet when he talks. you thought that doing some 'ooh, aah's would only make him irritated or if you disturbed him, (which you sometimes wanted, because many missions they had reminded you of some new ones) you feared he would stop talking to you, but that would never happen

sometimes you can't hold yourself and do interrupt him, telling him excitingly what that mission reminded you of. Crosshair isn't mad, he is actually glad you do this sometimes, he takes it as a sign of your listening and interest, even though you apologize after cutting him off

when you left him on Kamino, it broke your heart, but what really shattered it were the silent nights you suddenly had

you were lonely without him and couldn't talk to anyone in the batch the way that you two did, so you found yourself talking to nothing, imagining Crosshair next to you

you didn't know that far away, on Kamino, he did the same

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if spending time together doesn't help, Crosshair shows his love through his doings

actions are stronger than words for him, so he makes sure you are loved enough

the most frequent act is pulling you away from possible danger, both by your waist or hand

everytime he senses someone or something uncomfortable, he guards you or pulls you closer to him from it

to do that, he often watches Hunter's reactions in different situations

it is a habit of his you got used to so much that you move to him when you feel unsafe

my boy also makes you coffee or any favorite drink you have after every mission

he remembers how you like it, exactly how you like it

you are convinced that you couldn't now make your favorite drink that perfectly as him, though you taught him in the first place

we need to talk about how much of a gentleman he is though

he pulls chairs out for you, offers a hand if there is an inconvenience in your way, also offering a toothpick when he takes one out for himself (which he now kind of regrets, because he got you addicted to them and that means he has to buy them more frequently), asking you if you are alright after fights, shootings, etc.

still, he likes to be spoiled like that as well, which you do

your basic show of love is buying him new toothpicks (as mentioned before, it is halfly your fault they dissapear so quickly) and you secretly hid them in his pocket where they usually are, not taking credit for purchasing them (that doesn't mean Crosshair is oblivious to that fact, he simply just enjoys your sneaking around to put them there)

what you do automatically now is adjusting the room tempature so he could sleep deeply, as he doesn't often

Crosshair and the others are used to sleeping in a cold environment, due to their life on rainy Kamino, and while others somehow adapted to tempature changes, Crosshair couldn't fall asleep in a warm room

so every night, before you go to sleep, you adjust the tempature to 10°C (50°F), and when you go to sleep after the sharpshooter, sometimes you watch how his position changes immidiately due to his, when you're not too tired

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‎Wrecker

main love language: physical touch

other: words of affirmation

time for this strong man, fun fact: he really loves kisses

small ones mainly, he likes to give you a peck on the cheek everytime you pass him

he is smithered by love and he needs to give it away like this

hugs are also his thing, he gives the best hugs out of every embrace you've ever been in

he usually picks you up and tightly squeezes you, but he is being careful not to squish you

you always put your cheek on his during a hug, that totally doesn't melt his heart or anything, or you whisper in his ear: i love you too cyare (oh yeah, calling him cyare also doesn't affect his entire being whatsoever)

when there is something important going on, he has his hand on your shoulder or holds your hand shamelessly, pissing off Hunter ("Does this feel 'low profile' to you two?" he curses at the sight of you holding hands and Wrecker will always respond back: "Have you ever heard of couples? Dating is not a thing we invented, ask Tech". As Tech is dragged into it, he will either ignore or confirms Wrecker's statement by sighing: "No, that's definitely not a term you invented, Wrecker. Congratulations on winning the argument.")

the strong boy is definitely the big spoon, he lives to scoop you close to him and holding you in the most vulnerable moments (no, it's not a mistake, he lives to do that)

but you did convince him to try the little spoon and he has to admit that it's almost a tie for him

he just adores your little arms trying to get around his shoulders, but he enjoys being wrapped in his lovers hands

yet he still prefers being the big spoon as he is prepared to protect you

if you are not big on physical touch, it doesn't upset him, he gives you time

also, he always ask for consent, even on little kisses

sometimes, he doesn't ask directly, but he slowly moves to you, waiting for your reaction

if you shake your head or take a step back, he stops and just smiles at you or says something sweet

if you smile, nod or move in his direction, he takes it as a yes and will trap you in his hugs and kisses

when he is overly excited or happy from a finished job/mission, he will take you up on his shoulders, carrying you to the Maraurder or to Cid's (although he puts you down before the steps, you both wouldn't fit into the narrow stairwell)

you were surprised when he did it for the first time, but subconsiously expect it now, when he loudly yells something positive

if you really mind physical touch and know you won't warm up to it, he expresses his love by words

he is simple, saying i love you or be careful before missions or when you go out are the basics

he asks you about your day, adding a very cute nickname he has and made for your name (that only he can use. his words not yours) and you ask about his in return (you tried to do the same for him, but the nickname you came up with didn't catch on. maybe Wreckie sounded too childish, but it was good for joking around)

he thinks of you everyday and voices it every evening, saying what reminded him of you today (of course not in private, he needs his brothers to hear)

you always say some sweet phrases to Wrecker whenever you walk by him: you look pretty, hey love, there he is- the man of my desires, etc.

you also reassure him when he's upset. or overwhelmed, which happens often on intense missions. you make sure you are there for him for comfort

he definitely says good morning and good night to you and he makes sure it would be the first and last thing in your day, so he says it extremely early and extremely late, but you don't mind

Wrecker doesn't get insecure about your relationship much, you return his love equaly so he has no reason to, but there are rare moments where he overthinks

he usually puts distance between you and isolates himself when these thoughts occur, that's when you know he is doing it again

for him to snap out of it, you make food for the two of you and sit next to him without a word, you put a blanket over you and just sit and cuddle with him in silence

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esoteric-chaos · 2 months

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Energy Healing 101

Welcome to my separate expanded post on Energy Healing. I decided to separate it from my post on Reiki (that I am actively rewriting) for those who are hesitant to get into Reiki (aka lack the funds because it can be quite expensive or not just cannot find a non-appropriative teacher) or would rather learn a different method. This post is for you.

I want to be transparent, as this post is mostly UPG (Unverified Personal Gnosis) and SPG (Shared Personal Gnosis). I don't actually know where I learned to energy heal, as I intuitively knew before I practiced Reiki.

What is Energy Healing?

If you can manipulate energy, you can heal with energy. Energy healing is a form of energy manipulation to heal things similarly to Reiki. Arguably, just as well. Reiki is just a specific practice and guided style of doing so. Energy healing has been seen throughout history in many different cultures and traditions.

How Can I Energy Heal?

First, you have to be adept at Energy Manipulation. It is like building muscle. It can sometimes take a lot of hard work and training to get to the point where you can heal with energy. It takes focus, visualization, physical energy, mental energy, and practice. You might not get it on the first try, but that's okay. Some may also get it on their first try. Try not to beat yourself up about it. We're all different.

I deeply suggest learning how to borrow energy from sources first before you engage in energy manipulation of this type. It can drain you severely both mentally and physically if you are not careful. Especially if you are a healer who takes on or feels others' pain during sessions. I recommend this for Reiki practitioners as well.

When you go to do this healing process, it's not a true healing as it will not remove ailments, but it eases its side effects and pain.

None of this is a replacement method for healthcare practices and psychological practices. If you are feeling unwell, it may be an underlying condition that could prove to be serious. Please take a look with your physician for treatment when needed.

Sometimes, depending on the practitioner, this process may sting or feel like you are buzzing with energy. From many practitioners I've talked to, the experience is different. Warn the person before you start. It could sting, feel cold/warm or like you are a small battery. Warn them to expect the unexpected. That it will feel better in the end.

Energy Healing Yourself

First, I like to ground and centre. It helps me get into the right headspace. To ground, I use the tree method of visualizing roots coming down from my core (mine is my heart space) and deep into the earth's soil. I then soak up the earth's energy through those roots to borrow (I always return it after the session and give some of mine as a thank you.) I drag the energy up through the roots, towards my core and let it centre my being. After I feel ground and centred, I visualize that energy seeping down my arms and into my hands.

Next, I assess the pained area of myself. Are my calves really tight? Neck? Shoulders? I'll hover or touch the pained area to see how they feel.

Start an assessment and hover your hands over different parts of your body. See what connects and feels icky. Some pained areas can lead to others within your body.

With your energy, latch onto that negative energy. With my method to make it not uncomfortable, I visualize light coming from my hands and cleansing the area. Like you would energetically cleanse a space. Visualize that light penetrating that negative area and slowly filling, replacing the space and "burning" (sounds scary, but it's not) away that negativity. Those I practice on tell me this feels cold, warm or tingles.

Continue this process until the areas feel clear of the negativity and are replaced with this shield-like glow on the area for temporary pain relief. Think of a temporary bubble ward.

After a final sweep, you are done if you cannot find anything. Get yourself and them a snack with some water. Remember to rest after. That is vital. You may feel drained, or you could even feel energized. Everyone is different.

Energy Healing Others

Ground and Centre, like above. Gets you in the correct headspace.

Access the person I'm healing. Hover your hands over the area of the body where the pain resides. Let your energy touch their body, not your hands. However if that is harder for you, you can touch them with their consent and comfort.

Start an assessment and follow the limbs, torso, neck, and such. In your mind, set your sights on or intend to find areas of pain that will register within you as either dark energy, colour you view as negative, or even temperature. It helps to see where the pain is if you have a visualized goal. When you find a dark, sticky, magnetizing, cold/hot area, anything that feels "wrong," pause there. See if it stretches from that location to other parts of the body. Our bodies are like spider webs. Everything connects. Sometimes, a painful spot will lead to another.

Continue with point 4 above in healing yourself. I see others using these methods, too, by grabbing the energy and dragging it out of the body. I do not use this method personally, as it feels less natural.

Continue this process until the areas feel clear of the negativity and are replaced with this shield-like glow on the area for temporary pain relief. Think of a temporary bubble ward.

If you cannot find anything after a final sweep, you are done. Get yourself and them a snack with some water. Remember to rest after. That is vital. You and they may feel drained. They could even feel energized. Everyone is different.

Channelling Different Energies for Healing

Here's where we get a bit interesting. If you do not connect directly with the earth's energy or it does not vibe with your energy style, try different energy sources. After you do a basic grounding exercise, you can use celestial energy to be present by visualizing a beam of light coming down from the heavens, through the top of your head, and into your centre.

You can also use different elements, depending on your healing method and what you are trying to heal. I find water soothing and healing for emotional deregulation or aches and pains. Try washing your hands with blessed water or spring water before you partake in healing and channel that energy into your hands. Visualize that energy forming around your hands, like a waterbender from Avatar, the Last Airbender, to perform healing.

You can also wear crystals with the corresponding element. You can draw on that energy when needed.

Tips and Tricks

Who says you can't use a wand if you struggle with channelling energy into your hands? Especially if you're a practicing witch. I find selenite wands beautiful for healing and apple wood-based wands.

If you struggle with visualization, simply directing your thoughts and narrating what is happening like a story while using your other senses, like feeling, can significantly improve your energy practice. Any practice, that is.

Resources

Books by Barbara Ann Brennan are great resources, and I built off my practice with them regarding energy healing. They are less problematic than most books with chakras in them, but remember they have some elements in there regarding more western washed versions of such. I started with Hands of Light by Barbara Ann Brennan. However, these books are not cheap, so trying to find them second-hand may be your best bet.

Another excellent book is Eastern Body Western Mind by Anodea Judith. It covers the Eastern-based practice of energy and puts it into a Western-based framework for understanding without watering down any significance. It also covers the energy channels, how they move with the body, and much more. If you enjoy seeing spirituality from a psychological perspective, this book is for you.

Blessings!

Would you like to see more of my posts? Check out the Masterpost.

#witchcraft #witch #electic witch #witchblr #energy manipulation #energy healing #energy work #energy centers

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relastelvanni · 1 year

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📖 2022

The week leading up to Christmas 2021, I was unwell. I was feeling very fatigued and burnt out as we all were. There wasn’t a lot of sun so I was likely Vitamin D deficient, right? Also I somehow lost 10 lbs between October and December without trying which didn’t match what I was eating - probably stress? Oh, but I feel really thirsty, and I can’t seem to quench it… that’s an odd symptom I can’t explain with burnout. It was that symptom that made me test my fasting blood sugars and sure enough, they were way over into diabetic levels.

🚨

On Hogmanay as I rushed to get my booster before the bells, I also went to the GP as an emergency for my blood test. The results came back and my GP wanted to talk urgently. On Jan 5th I was officially diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes and put onto metformin straight away. This began a whirlwind of a year.

On the outside I seemed calm, on the inside I was a ball of emotion, but mostly shame. Shame that after years of warnings this could happen, I had to tell people what had happened. I felt guilt for making people around me worry for my health. I wanted to prove to everyone that I was okay and they didn’t have to worry about me. Maybe not a healthy attitude to take but from the moment I left that Doctor’s surgery and took a 2.5 mile walk home, I decided I was going for remission, end of.

I immediately went on a low carb diet of 130g of carbs a day and stuck to it religiously, I did not break 130g or tried not to. No cheat days, no snacking. Again, perhaps not the healthiest thing to do but I couldn’t bring myself to eat high carbs again. I started walking a lot more, walking three miles home from work in the winter. I went swimming, I got a bike through the cycle to work scheme. But most of all was the diet. It was tough and there were times I felt like crying. But my head told me “I put myself in this situation, you don’t deserve sympathy”. Urgh, silly head.

But despite that negative mindset, the physical side improved quickly. My sugars fell rapidly most importantly and as a by-product, I lost 15 lbs in the first month, followed by another 15 lbs in the second, starting at 255 lbs and ending March around 210.

Now those who know me will know I had no problem with my weight before - I was very happy as a chubby person because I went on a journey over the past few years of learning to love my body, throw off the shame I held against my body and show it off at the beach and the pool etc. So the weight loss for me was such a sudden shift in mindset too. I was back very quickly to a body I had before I learned to love my body… and societal pressure came back. That’s been a struggle this year is loving my new body without need for validation externally.

But in terms of the diabetes, by the end of March, I had my hbA1c checked again… and I was no longer diabetic! I had managed, with the tablets, to get the diabetes into remission. I can’t tell you how proud I am to have got to this point. All the hard work and hardship I put my mental state through was worth the result.

Over the next three months I relaxed the diet a wee bit and let myself eat a little more, but no where near the levels I was at before. My weight finally stabilised at around 180 lbs which is where I’m at now, meaning in total from max weight, I’ve lost 85 lbs in the last year. But more importantly, at the end of June, my HbA1c was still at a non diabetic level, this time without medication.

Since June, my weight has been stable, my sugars are still down, I’ve taken up badminton 2-3 times a week to keep me active physically (and mentally too). I feel fantastic physically and I’m so happy I’ve managed to turn around the diabetes. I still need to work on my mental state and work on some of those troublesome feelings I had at the start of the year as well as others. But aye, long post, but I’m still here, still going. Hopefully 2023 I’ll stay in remission. All the best to everyone 💛

#me #gpoy #gay bear #gay cub #tummy #non binary #queer

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oceanic-vampire · 1 month

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hello and welcome :3

you can call me ess ! (you can have my actual name if we end up talking )

im 23(may 2001)

im black (and british/neg)

i don't have much of a gender basically anything but she goes,i have to look slightly off putting and vampiric at all times otherwise i'll explode and die <3

i have audhd and am physically disabled,sometimes i vent abt it

also dyslexic lol but i think that one is obvious once you stick around for a bit

my interests are/talk to me about:

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ splatoon ! (its a special interest tbh,have played since splat 1)

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ guilty gear (mostly strive + may and elphelt supremacy >:3)

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ magical girl + shoujo anime

˚ʚ♡ɞ marine life ! i enjoy cephalopods very much :3

˚ʚ♡ɞ anything gothic ! also vampirism in non white cultures

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ soul eater is very important to me

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ pokemon (gengar my no.1 forever <3)

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ i like vanitas no carte and pandora hearts more than you <3

proceed to the next level below ↴

• im a switch,no real percentage because i think its lame + doesn't matter unless i like you

• dms are encouraged welcomed so on and so forth but i need you to remember i am mentally and physically unwell,and that means my energy is limited always and my lack of response or enthusiasm is never personal

• im gunna ask for your discord after a conversation or two because i don't like tumblr dms but if you don't have it or don't wanna thats chill

•if you piss me off and it doesn't get resolved after bringing it up or i feel that its not safe to bring it up you will be gone

• on that note if you do some blatantly stupid shit you will be gone without warning,i don't do eviction notices everytime someone decides to take their irritating as fuck meds

#abt me #ess.txt

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fairythingflies · 7 months

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this was long overdue. plain text below

Hello. If you’re reading this, I am coming out to discuss a part of my life that I’ve hidden for a very long time–mostly out of fear and shame. I’m still afraid–but I will not be ashamed any longer. It’s so typical to say, “I didn’t want to make this statement,” but it’s gotten to the point where my loved ones are telling me that I have to do something. That silence will only cause further harm.

Over the past four and a half years, I’ve endured an endless nightmare of abuse, stalking, and the resulting psychological trauma from a previous romantic partner. To many of you, this is probably a blindside–but the people close to me have witnessed the effects the whole time.

I’m not going to name the person who abused me today, because the last thing they need is harassment–no matter how vile you find their actions. I didn’t want to do this, but it’s gotten to a point where it feels necessary, for several reasons:

The very real emotional harm of repressing my story for several years

The harm that the stalking and harassment have caused me and others

To, hopefully, show other survivors of sexual abuse, gaslighting, and stalking that they are not alone, they are not monsters, they are not crazy.

This is my story. TW emotional and sexual abuse, gaslighting, stalking.

In 2019, when I was 18 years old, I entered my first serious romantic relationship–and it was an extremely traumatic and abusive one. I’m not going to pretend I was a saint–I said and did a lot of stupid, hurtful things, on account of being a very inexperienced teenager, but I can also acknowledge now that I was abused.

This person isolated me by trying to convince me my family was abusive and dangerous; additionally, whenever I tried to bring over my friends, they’d make me feel guilty, talking about how being around people I cared about was physically painful for them.

And they assaulted me. Multiple times. They’d force themself on me when I was visibly distressed, and I once had to go to a doctor because of injuries they’d caused me. I don’t want to provide further details here, and I hope you don’t expect them. I have spent years replaying some of the most painful memories of my life in my head, and that already hurts enough.

While dating this person, my mind suffered: I fell into psychosis, I had severe OCD attacks, I developed disordered eating… I was overall severely unwell. This caused me to lash out in ways I acknowledge were unfair and harmful, but this person continued to exacerbate my symptoms regardless, much of it through ableist acts that targeted these symptoms.

As mentioned, I struggle with OCD, and this person would say things that triggered it, even after I told them they were triggers–for example, I’d be worried about bad things happening to them, such as illness, and they’d repeatedly say they’d be “lucky” to reach age 65 without dying. They’d hear about my religious obsessions (which during the abuse became full-on delusions due to mental duress), and play music they wrote about their own religious delusions. They claimed to be “worried” for me after the worst of the episode ended, so there’s no way they didn’t know what I was going through. They also scrutinized my very real fear responses, accusing me of being “happy” when strange men harassed us for being a visibly queer couple.

In 2020, at age 19, I recognized that this relationship was doing more harm than good. I was out of town for a family event and able to talk to my family without them around, which helped me come to that revelation. I told my partner I wanted to talk about our relationship when I came home. They immediately publicly accused me of abusing them. This is where it all began: I tried to leave, and they retaliated.

They’d gaslit me into thinking I was a terrible person for months, and this public explosion made me completely break down. I became hysterical–I replayed traumatic memories over and over, looking for any sign I misbehaved, and even when I came up with none, I remained dominated by fear–that it was somehow true, that I was abusive, that everyone would believe it, true or not.

Worse, I believe people took screenshots of me venting to others in this incredibly vulnerable state and somehow sent them to my ex. At this time, I was in a strange city, spiralling out of control–I wasn’t eating, I wasn’t sleeping, and I was completely detached from reality. I simultaneously believed everything and knew it was wrong. Until you’ve been in this kind of situation, I feel like it’s impossible to understand.

I’ll own that I broke down and said some terrible things, ranging from spiteful to nonsensical. I am deeply sorry for it. I have spent years bettering myself on so many fronts to ensure I never have that kind of harmful episode again, but this outburst happened because of months of gaslighting and abuse, because the second I implied to this person that I wanted to end our relationship, they retaliated by dealing a massive blow to my already fragile mental state and trying to ruin my life.

And they haven’t stopped.

I am 23 years old now. There is nothing I want more than to leave this trauma behind, but recovery hasn’t been easy because the person who inflicted this pain has not left me alone. Since 2020 and as recently as this year, they’ve followed me and come after my career and relationships, usually by spreading misinformation about me in the form of “warnings” that I am “dangerous”–albeit with minimal success. I can think of exactly two times they lost me gigs–though the fact it’s happened at all is part of what moved me to come forward.

This is in no small part because of the simple fact that their allegations range from exaggerations to outright lies. I’d say about 80% of it is false, 15% is technically true but out of context or a product of serious mental duress, and 5% is actually true.

Some of the lies are comical, with how easily disproven they are. There’s one where my ex randomly declared I live in a gated community… but I don’t. My house has a gate because we used to own dogs. There’s also the implication I was stalking them–it seems more like the other way around, with the way that they hunt down people who associate with me. I also remember once hearing I’d harmed an ex-girlfriend of mine with osteoarthritis… despite never dating anyone with osteoarthritis. Still, people who don’t know me might believe these things, as ridiculous as they are.

Some of the lies may be based on genuine misunderstandings. For example, against my wishes, a relative called the police on my behalf when someone harassed me with a burner account that referenced my legal name. I will apologize for not trying harder to de-escalate the situation–I knew police were more than capable of making the situation worse–but I was not the instigator (as well as barely coherent at that point due to the stress).

Some of the lies, though, are downright disgusting. I resent, for example, the implication that I have lied about my ethnicity. I identify as white, but my grandmother is mixed Metis and I inherited her status long before I knew what that meant–though again, I identify and move through the world as a white person. It came up a few times in our relationship because I figured my grandmother would be able to help my ex-partner with accessing their own Indigenous status, if memory serves. But I digress.

Additionally, the idea that I ever did anything without the explicit consent of this person is reprehensible–every single time we were intimate, I received either a verbal affirmative or some nonverbal gesture of consent such as leaning in for a kiss. Every. Single. Time.

I won’t pretend it’s impossible I hurt them, but not in the way they are claiming. I apologize for any pain caused, and I mean that, but the scenes they describe simply did not happen. They tried to convince me they did, that I did terrible things, but I’ve forced myself to relive my time with them enough that I know I’m not the person they say I am.

And for that 20% of things that are even a little bit true, I’ve been working on accountability and educating myself on everything I can–my emotional regulation issues and the thoughtless, harmful statements they brought about, for example, and handling my OCD better so my intrusive thoughts don’t hurt others as much as they hurt me.

And yes, I read about consent. That’s how I realized that what my ex did to me was assault. It’s another part of why I’m coming forward–it’s a special kind of pain, coming to terms with the fact you were raped while a bunch of strangers think your rapist is the victim.

I’ve written out several versions of this statement, some almost forty pages long. They contain the paper trail of sexual abuse counsellors I’ve seen, medical records from when my ex’s actions sent me to the clinic, and even years-old journal entries and conversations with friends where I discuss being assaulted in terrible, triggering detail. I still keep these things as reminders that what I experienced was real, because my worst fear is not being believed.

I can’t reiterate this enough: I physically cannot get rid of graphic records of my assault because I’m scared of not being believed. I have spent years retraumatizing myself because of what my rapist has put me through.

I’ve also spoken to other people who escaped abuse and were villainized by ex-partners, and I’m harrowed by how much of my own story I see in theirs. You really begin to question your reality, and you keep going back to these dark places and painful memories–and you analyze them, and recount them over and over, always recounting and documenting, so you remember them and believe yourself.

I know “gaslighting” has become a meaningless buzzword to many, but it’s gaslighting that caused me to obsessively document and remember my abuse. No survivor should have to endure this. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

People watched me fall apart in real time. They might not have known the details, but they knew something very, very bad happened to me. I apologize to everyone who saw me in this state–I imagine it was upsetting. I’ve spent the last few years working very hard to recover and become a positive presence in the lives of others, and I really hope I’ve accomplished that.

Allegedly my ex is receiving therapy for what I “did” to them. That’s great. I wasn’t perfect–and even though I didn’t actually do a vast majority of what they accuse me of, I see no reason why my ex shouldn’t get help if they’re hurting.

Again, they consented to everything we did, either verbally or by initiating physical intimacy (i.e. kissing). I can’t say it’s impossible they were hurt, though, because people can be harmed by consensual interactions. I would know–I’ve been that person who was seriously hurt even though nobody actually did anything wrong. Trauma’s complicated like that, and sometimes there’s no perpetrator in the traditional sense.

My abuser is a person with a lot of pain–and was long before they met me. If therapy keeps them from hurting another person how they hurt me, then that’s an inherently good thing. I used to hope they’d never touch anyone again, but maybe therapy means they won’t hurt the next person they pursue.

That said–they still assaulted me, and they are still, to my knowledge, stalking me and spreading false information.

Honestly, I’m tired of them having such a major role in my life–and the idea of taking that power from them is part of what’s given me the courage to do this.

On the off-chance they read these words, I’m going to be succinct: I know what you put me through. Don’t waste your time objecting or trying to tell me it was my fault. This is my story, not yours, and you’re the one person whose belief I don’t need. You raped me. You are a rapist. People saw what your abuse did to me. A body of evidence like this doesn’t come out of nowhere. I didn’t spontaneously develop PTSD. You did this.

And even now, I’m sparing you–I could say who you are, contact people you work with. I could do what you tried to do to me, but it’d actually be true: I could share my medical records, diary entries, and testimonials from those who saw what this did to me.

But I’m not. I’m giving you the chance to just leave me alone and be left alone.

So, where does this leave us? I suppose it leaves me out in the open as a survivor of sexual assault, stalking, gaslighting, and so on.

That is unbelievably terrifying. I keep telling myself that it’s worth it to be open, that maybe it’ll make other survivors feel less alone, but I’m afraid.

I’m afraid people will make assumptions, victim-blame me, or somehow side with my rapist. I’m afraid this will change how friends, family, and acquaintances see me. I’m afraid of how my abuser could retaliate. I’m afraid that my community, the art scene that was so invaluable to my recovery, might not want anything to do with me anymore.

Also, I’ve already gotten serious backlash as a survivor.

So-called leftist/inclusive spaces have sided with my rapist. They’ve said they can’t work with me because of what they’ve “heard,” and when I tell them about the abuse/stalking and offer to show them evidence, including that paper trail of therapists and medical documents, they respond that they “lack the resources” to look at them and shut me down.

I tell people I’m a rape victim, and they say they don’t have the “resources” to listen. They side with the person I’m telling them is a rapist.

What happened to “believe victims?” Is that only on a first-come, first-serve basis?

I’ve also had to end personal relationships because of the victim-blaming I’ve endured. Former friends have said I “did this to myself.” People who I’d confided in, people who’d believed me, who’d seen evidence of my assault, said this.

So, no, I really don’t want to come out as a survivor.

This has been an unending nightmare for, more or less, my entire adult life. I am hoping that opening up will allow me to start recovery in earnest.

My therapists over the years all agree I have PTSD–my doctor says it might even be C-PTSD. Regardless, I’m affected by this disorder every day: the nightmares, the emotional dysregulation, the constant sense I’m being watched, the lasting intrusive thoughts from my headspace in 2019, and so much more–it hurts beyond words. I’ll never know the person I would’ve been if I hadn’t been assaulted, and I mourn that every day. This trauma has cost me so much, especially in my personal life–not because anyone involved ever believed my ex, nobody who knows me ever has, but because my trauma has given me lasting trust issues, paranoia, and all these other symptoms that hinder relationships.

I quite literally owe my life to those who have stayed with me and loved me throughout the years, and the treatment I have received. Especially those who have endured harassment from my abuser, because yes, that’s happened.

I hope that by publicly addressing this, I can be supported by all of you, too. It’s been physically painful sharing this story–it literally took me months to write this–so I really hope it wasn’t for nothing. I hope the community I’ve found solace in can have my back when it really matters.

I don’t like asking for much from people, but I can’t make myself feel safe and believed alone. If you could share this story, that’d truly mean the world–and if you see my ex’s so-called “warning,” please report it. If you hear people sharing my abuser’s allegations, chime in with the truth. Quash rumours. I don’t know how many people my abuser’s reached, or how loud they’ve been shouting these past few years, but I hope we can be louder.

If you have questions, I can try to answer them–whether you have concerns that I can debunk, or have experienced something similar and want to hear from someone who understands.

It’s frightening to share this now, but I hope that in the future, this can be a story of a survivor being supported by their community, and escaping the spectres of their abuse.

I hope I can make and share my art without being afraid again. I hope I can be known as a survivor. I hope I can be believed.

All I ever wanted was to be believed. Thank you.

#Fairything #itsfairything #fairythingflies

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twilightmalachite · 5 months

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2×2 - Grown-Up Situation 8

Author: Akira

Characters: Yuuta, Hinata, Shinobu, Nagisa

Translator: Mika Enstars

"You’re not a very physically strong person, Shinobu-kun, so don’t push yourself too hard, okay?"

[Read on my blog for the best viewing experience with Oi~ssu ♪]

Season: Winter

Location: Downtown

Hinata: —Oh, looks like our producers have arrived on set too!

Yuuta: Good morniii~ng, Anzu-san! Good luck today!

Shinobu: I’d be grateful for your help this time around, or rather, this time too, de gozaru…♪

Hinata: For the record, while the producer changes every time for 2×2, both YamadaP and AnzuP will be on site.

Nagisa: …Hm. It is an effective way to observe your opponent’s work up close, and perhaps also a means to monitor them to ensure there’s no cheating.

…That’s fair.

Yuuta: That’s true, but… Both producers have a lot of other work to do, so it must be quite a burden to show up on site for every 2×2.

Shinobu: Yeah… Anzu-dono had a bit of a cough last time we recorded, so I’m rather worried about her health, de gozaru.

Hinata: Doesn’t she always push herself too hard?

Huh? Actually, Anzu-san doesn’t seem to be feeling well, so she took a sick day off to be cautious…?

W-Will things be okay?

Hinata: Ah, I’m not worried about Anzu-san, but about the program… It’s mostly her own fault she’s not feeling well.

Shinobu: We didn’t say anything…

Yuuta: When you put it like that, it sounds like you instead actually don’t care about her at all, Aniki. ♪

Hinata: Uu, but that’s not what I meant. The producer in charge of the fifth episode of 2×2 is Anzu-san, isn’t she?

What do we do? If she can’t come on-site, how will she give us directions?

Nagisa: …It appears she will be giving direction through HoldHands for the time being.

…YamadaP has come on-site, although he is not in charge this time,s o I do not think he can be too intrusive.

Shinobu: If YamadaP ended up producing AnzuP’s episode, it wouldn’t make any sense, de gozaru.

That would make the match, or the producer showdown, nonviable.

Hinata: It’s not something she should do to the point of destroying her body. I feel it’s fine to end this with Anzu-san’s loss now that she’s called in sick.

Managing the health of your idols and yourself is part of the job.

By falling ill, Anzu-san’s already considered inferior to YamadaP as a producer.

Yuuta: We’ve never had to miss work due to falling ill! We are healthy children! ☆

Hinata: But it’s caused for some mental unwellness because of that…

Yuuta: Moving on. This 12 episode program is already in the middle of it’s run with the fifth episode, and it seems to be getting a lot of viewership ratings thanks to the two producers competing.

It might not be feasible to cancel it at this point. At least, to the company or agency, in other words ES.

Hinata: Grown-up stuff is tough.

Nagisa: …I agree. Anzu-san’s name will be credited as this episode’s producer, and it appears that the match will continue whilst keeping her health condition under wraps.

…We should probably try to avoid mentioning it as much as possible.

Shinobu: During filming, at least, de gozaru. Hmm, I am worried about Anzu-dono though…

Yuuta: We just have to do our job. I’m sure doing that much would let Anzu-san at least rest easy.

Hinata: That’s right. …So, what kind of thing are we doing for our “experience” this time?

Nagisa: …I believe we’ve all received instruction from Anzu-san through HoldHands.

…What we’re doing for our “experience” this time is, umm, “experiencing life on the streets”?

Shinobu: Whoa, sounds like another harsh one!

Hinata: You’re not a very physically strong person, Shinobu-kun, so don’t push yourself too hard, okay?

Yuuta: That’s my line, Aniki.

Hinata: The current Yuuta-kun isn’t considerate enough, so I’m saying it for you!

Shinobu: I-I don’t want the siblings to quarrel, de gozaru~? Let’s get along, get along…♪

Nagisa: …Fufu, it is somehow unnerving for various reasons.

…In short, it appears we will be living on the streets for about a week, five days to be exact.

Yuuta: So like a homele… I have a feeling I shouldn’t use that word. Umm, so like an unemployed person with no fixed address?

Nagisa: …That’s right. Like we’ve been thrown out onto the street in only our clothes and have to survive for five days.

Yuuta: So we’ll be surviving in the concrete jungle!

Hinata: Whaaat, this will be easy, then!

Shinobu: Wha, wha? I’m here thinking this will be the hardest so far, de gozaru!?

Even harder than the third episode where we lived in extreme poverty, living on only 500 yen a day!

We at least had an apartment to live in with furniture and a bed, de gozaru!

We won’t even have that this time, de gozaru! It’s like a hard-mode was given to living in extreme poverty due to popular demand?

Nagisa: …Is the producer in charge this time around, Anzu-san, a demon?

Yuuta: She can be brutal at times, but I think she’s rather gentle with this.

Hinata: Yup. We can use the experience of how to save money during the program’s third episode of living in extreme poverty, though not Ran-senpai.

Yuuta: Yup. We have experience.

Shinobu: Oh, right. Yuuta-kun and Hinata-kun—

Yuuta: Yeah. When we were kids, we ran away from home and lived on the streets for some time. We earned money through things like street performances.

That experience can be put to good use. If anything, isn’t that why Anzu-san chose this to be our experience this time?

Hinata: Yup. This won’t be a first for us, so she hoped it’d be no sweat for us—No she trusted us that it would be.

Anzu-san, who knows us very well, has prepared something that I believe is a perfect fit for us.

Though I do feel bad for Shinobu-kun who will have to tag along.

Shinobu: … …

[ ☆ ]

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#2×2 #2x2 #yuuta aoi #hinata aoi #shinobu sengoku #nagisa ran #event #translation

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sucharide · 1 year

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Hi this one's a lot, a huge vent about my parents' marital problems.

I have got to stop visiting my parents for a while after this weekend.

I genuinely just ... cannot be around them? That's so sad, I always had a decent relationship with them and seeing them used to be good for me, but right now? I get in the car when mum picks me up and I am accosted with venting about my father.

I'm just paralysed in bed right now, my head just feels like fire. I really just don't want to see them or be around them. I don't know why it's affected me so much this time? I guess the 'divorce' word coming up as a real prospect was jarring, because if that happens, dad's fucked (I have absolutely no faith in him to be able to function or be well), but also like... I do not see why they wouldn't get a divorce at this point? Mum said herself it would benefit her. And it would. She's a woman in her 50s and she's sick of being everyone's mother, it's all very classic menopausal 'i've given all the fucks I had, there's none left to give!' vibes — and it's valid. I wouldn't begrudge her in the slightest. It's not fair what she's dealing with right now. It's just that dad's not mentally well. At all. And won't get real help.

(Well, he saw a doctor the other week because his depression has been so bad, he took an SSRI, threw it up while exercising, and swore off any and all medications going forward — so, you know. Not a great outcome. He's exercising every day again, though, so that's a sort of medication. He just doesn't realise that you can be physically healthy and mentally unwell. I'm honestly so fucking mad they put him on an SSRI, and so mad at him for not advocating for himself better. I told him not to take SSRIs. I fucking told him. I didn't realise it would make him sick, but i knew he wouldn't tolerate the side effects I dealt with! And now he's sworn off everything going forward. Cool. And I bet that's going to put us in a great situation when age starts to deteriorate his mind — you can bet he'll forget who we are, but he won't forget throwing up that one pill.)

It's all looking fine on the surface, and I'm not sure even my brothers really know? They would mostly see mum and dad at the same time, when everything is under the surface.

It is just... It feels very on a knife's edge.

Right now it seems to me that mum is fucking seething under the surface — she doesn't experience healthy emotional expression, and everything is very neutral and clinical, but I can hear the cracks in the façade. She's trying so fucking hard, but she'll stop trying soon.

And it's anyone's guess whether that will mean dad will start trying. I think he would throw in the towel as he is right now — because to be honest, I do not think he is strong right now. He's getting more and more addled by brain rotting shit online and his mental health is collapsing in a very specific older middle aged white man sort of way, and I do not think he has mental fortitude and strength to pick up any slack in his marriage.

Or, the alternative scenario, if mum doesn't stop trying and dad doesn't pull his shit together? She stays in a marriage that is a burden to her. That doesn't seem better to me. Mum deserves to be happy, and to have a confidant, lover, and trusted companion in her husband. Mum deserves to work through her own issues, and have space for her own issues, thoughts, and feelings — but she doesn't have that at all right now, and she hasn't ever had that. She got married too young, had kids too young, all that.

I don't know. Maybe it's not as bad as I think it is. But it feels bad. It feels bad under the surface.

I hope dad comes around — but what I really hope, for both of them, is that they get marriage counselling (which I have suggested to mum), and actually become companions again. Life changes when the kids all move out and start their own families. You have to actually, for the first time in 25 years, live with your spouse. Just your spouse. They've done that for 6 years. They've not, I don't think, really reckoned with what that means, and things don't feel good.

I don't know.

Things seem loveless. Neither of them deserve that. Divorce would probably kill dad, I think — but mum would get to live.

I don't want opinions under this post or in my askbox — these are real people who matter to me, and I love them both very very very much. There's a part of me, the part of me most invested in the sisterhood of womanhood, who wants mum to experience life for herself and not for anyone else.

But I'm my father's daughter.

Whatever that means. I think it means I understand him, even when I wish I didn't, even when he doesn't really understand himself.

But it's all fine and dandy. On the surface. It feels a little Stepford right now.

I want to talk to my brothers, but they'll roll their eyes at me. I'm the little sister, what do I know? And I'm probably only this disturbed by the whole thing because my role in life is still daughter and sister (auntie if you squint, but that's not a close tie, that's ancillary). I'm not a girlfriend or a wife, or even a professional of some kind. They both have their own families, they're fathers and husbands. I only have this family. This role. So it sort of feels like the rug might get pulled out from under me in terms of my own identity — which is dramatic of me to say, I realise.

Again — I don't want any opinions/suggestions. These are real people, both of whom I love.

(siigh, things that would be great to talk about in therapy but the therapeutic relationship broke and I'm not seeing her anymore)

(edit: anyway wow the point of this post was originally to say — it's gotten exhausting and I need a break from it since it clearly does weigh on me! )

#roach rambles #sorry this is a LOT #i need to put this somewhere #and obvs im not going to unload this onto an individual that would be so fucking rude of me hahaha #i shouldnt air this shit possibly but oh well!

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feline-evil · 4 months

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Its da freaking new year baby

I mean it turned new year like 13 hours and thirty minutes ago for me i was just busy and didn't post here at the time. Anyways.

2023 has been A Lot for me! On one hand my wrist issues finally fully caught up to me and it's one of the first years i've not been able to draw as much during which has been. Very hard. It's been a year of health issues and my body kinda failing me in a lotta regards so it's not been great on that front. But it's also the first year i got to meet my boyfriend in person, twice!!! And realise how much more beautiful and kind and loving life can be, and how much i wanna survive onwards and upwards and do wicked gay shit with that man in future years, it's the year that being so loved has given me the courage to make BIG FUCKING RISKS and plan for BIG FUCKING CHALLENGES in upcoming years, and thats awesome. I couldn't be the man i have been this year without him, i really couldn't. I'm so grateful to finally have a partner and friends and love and gentleness, it is something that was so sorely missing in my life and it is something that's keeping me going even in the darker months.

It's also the year i took risks in other stuff too, which i never could've done without my bf's support, and now i've been able to work on so many things for The Hotel Podcast and thats fucking AWESOME?? I GET TO MAKE STUFF FOR THE SHOW I LOVE?? I did the artbook and we got to do the second calendar which ruuuuled, i made a postcard, i've done some other stuff ;), i made a 3d background and learnt some video editing for it; i've accomplished so much even against my body and wrist failing and i feel so so proud of that, and no matter how things go i wanna keep trying to do more. I feel like i'm finally showing what i can do. I hope people can see how much effort and will goes into what i do, i hope it pays off and that you enjoy it!

I wish i could say i left this year on a high note due to all that good that's happened to me and i mostly am absolutely. But in all honesty i also went to sleep last night filled with a palpable dread, this past week i realised someone close to me has, without getting into it to a degree i'm not willing to share online, gone down a pipeline to become a person i'm not comfortable with while i've been busy elsewhere. I went to bed knowing that either 2024 would have to be a year of potentially risky confrontation, of running, or of begrudgingly resigning myself to making sure i isolate anyone i care about away from. This. So thats a shadow hanging over me at the moment, and is one that has soured my week a little. I don't know what 2024 holds in regards to sorting this, it's a little scary.

I am going to be 27 this year, in February! And as i get closer and closer to thirty i realise that (while time isn't running out for me, for any of us) i really would like to move on into thriving rather than just surviving the years, and that part of that thriving needs to be transitioning and becoming independent from my parents. Of course the former is complicated due to the fact i am not able to be out to everyone in my life and even just starting the path to transitioning would out me and potentially destroy a part of my life that has been there for 26 years. There's also of course the fact i live in the uk and transitioning here is going to be a ten year waiting list if i'm even lucky and they deem me trans enough to transition l o l. So as you can imagine, thats complex and hard to figure out! On one hand i should start the process asap BECAUSE its such a long process here, but on the other hand i don't know how to handle my own safety and comfort in regards to being out to those i currently am not, and i'm not sure how my mental (and honestly physical) health would handle the fallout. The latter is complicated of course due to being broke, uneducated, physically and mentally unwell and a myriad of other factors; we don't live in a world where you can afford a home or to feed yourself anymore! So! Yknow!! Unlikely i'll be moving out anytime soon!

What i am doing at least is trying to thrive where i can, like dandelions growing in cracks the pavement may be unyielding to me at this moment but i can find the soft dirt inbetween; transitioning and independence may not be possible right now but i can continue to do my work and try to succeed there, i can make my room better for me (which i have done with finally getting a new bed after the one i had since i was a child grew no good), i can spend more time doing what i love out the house (visiting places, seeing my boyfriend, ect ect), and i can take what i can when i can. Maybe i'll try to learn to drive this year! I'm not sure i trust myself on the roads, but maybe i can learn to. And all of this is progress towards those final goals, even if i can't so much as step on the first rungs of the ladder towards them yet. I also take solace in knowing that for every dark cloud over me that makes my life feel so uncertain and hard to make it through there is incredible sunshine too; that even if the year is hard and cruel as they so often are i will still be loved i will still have friends and i will still get to smile. And that even if i can't accomplish big goals, a lot of small goals accomplished over many many bad years will build up, and one day i'll be free. And that's something.

My first hope for 2024 is THAT MY HEALTH GIVES ME A BREAK, NO MORE HEALTH SCARES PLEASE, and that perhaps i'll be able to even get some answer's and help for my physical health. My second is that my courage pays off and i succeed at flying alone for the first time to the states to be with my love! My third is that the year is kinder, and that i can make more art, maybe even regain some of the independence i had when my wrist was ok enough to let me do art as a job. My fourth is that i laugh a lot, and smile and have joyous moments with loved ones and indulge in what i love with unabashed and unashamed joy! And my fifth is that i get to do good for others, because even if i can't get out, even if i have to survive instead of thrive a little longer, i can at least try and help when i can.

Happy 2024, my chest hurts, my joints ache, but i'm still kicking and i will continue on forever. Bastards aren't getting free of me yet, i'm persistent. I haven't even ridden every rollercoaster in the UK yet.

#jay talkin #yeah sure fuckit lets overshare on jan 1st. lets get it all out our system there we go #happy new year everything is scary and possibilites are endless #but im really grateful for so much 2023 gave me i am so so so lucky

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awomansbody · 2 years

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june 14th

I've never understood what people meant when they said "I feel empty"... well, that's not entirely true. I had some semblance of an idea, but I guess I didn't realize just how jarring that feeling could be.

I feel like a shell of a person - like I've outworn my body and a thread came loose. I feel like someone, or something pulled the thread to snap it off, but the fabric snagged and now I am rapidly deteriorating. I feel tired, slow, old, and sad. Though, I am mostly tired, I think. I am tired of being tired.

That reminds me of another phrase people often say, that they're "sick and tired". I think now, I know the full meaning of these words.

I am unequivocally sick, both physically and mentally. I feel (this maybe quite sad), irrevocably tired. I am even tired of lamenting my lost vigor and energy. I feel a constant weight that is compounded by the admission that I am unwell. What is worst... I feel very alone.

I feel completely unacknowledged, unseen and it is hell. But it is also hell to seek acknowledgement. I cannot feel validation without also feeling shame. And I will contradict myself - I will try to pretend shame does not live here because being seen, being acknowledged might keep me alive.

#prose on tumblr #my writing #writers #spilled ink #depression #awomansbody #black writers #women writers #writerscorner

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ghostboyjules · 1 year

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I posted 14,507 times in 2022

That's 4,532 more posts than 2021!

90 posts created (1%)

14,417 posts reblogged (99%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@feraligatr

@lemememeringue

@cry-4-judas

@wantnothing

@hxh

I tagged 4,619 of my posts in 2022

#the sandman - 519 posts

#hxh - 305 posts

#dream of the endless - 234 posts

#dreamling - 215 posts

#my beloved mutuals ✨ - 144 posts

#hob gadling - 115 posts

#prev - 81 posts

#jjk - 80 posts

#killua - 53 posts

#gon - 48 posts

Longest Tag: 113 characters

#😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍

My Top Posts in 2022:

tagged by the ever iconic @hxh, thank you bestie :3c

rules: tag people you would like to know/catch up with

Last song 🎵 : Nothing Else Matters (Metallica Cover) by Phoebe Bridgers (I, of course, love the original as well but this is just gorgeous)

Last movie 🎬 : Everything Everywhere All at Once (if you have mother issues™, do not watch this until you are mentally and emotionally prepared. I'm fucked up. and will be so until the foreseeable future.) [thanks @wantnothing and @halflove 🙄]

Last book 📖 : hmmm.. I'm of the opinion that manga definitely counts, so like. technically Vol 14 of jjk, if we're talking physical. or like, the neat lil booklet that comes with my tarot deck 😅

okiieee I'm gonna tag @wantnothing and @halflove, if they wanna do it. since they have helped emotionally damage me 💀

I'll also tag @watermelon-mafia, @caprisun-overlord, @rabooots, @croakings, @queen-alluka, and @queen-eevee (woah that's two royalty in my mutual circle, love to see it ajfjsjfn)

y'all have a good day, and ily 💙😘

9 notes - Posted August 10, 2022

hi yes hello it's me again. so I'm working on my dream of the endless™~ playlist.. and I was looking through this BROODS album that I liked a lot and... just. just look at this.

uugghh Dream just being so overwhelmed after everything and going to Hob.. and Hob's just. Over the moon that Dream feels safe enough with him for comfort.. the bridge is especially destroying me cause like - of course Dream would beat himself up abt needing comfort in the first place and he can't stop thinking abt all that needs to be done and- AAHHH Hob just gently pulling him out of all that, if just for a moment...

I love fics with this premise and now I have a SONG to go with them???? I'm in shambles.

here's the song btw :

BROODS - Bedroom Door

10 notes - Posted November 10, 2022

hey um. i am genuinely so unwell about this song & dreamling

See the full post

11 notes - Posted October 26, 2022

beloved @hxh tagged me in this and I am not gonna lie this was kinda hard. mostly just because I'm v indecisive 🤦‍♂️ also this will absolutely say something abt me as a person, feel free to roast me abt it ajdjajfnf

10 characters, 10 fandoms, 10 tags

1. Megumi Fushiguro (jjk)

2. Cloud Strife (ffvii)

3. Kurapika (hxh)

4. Dream of the Endless (sandman)

5. Kaeya Alberich (genshin)

6. Ling Yao (fmab)

7. Thanatos (hades sg)

8. Shinobu Kocho (kny)

9. Allen Walker (dgm)

10. Mae Borowski (nitw)

okay okay stopping here before I change anything else 💀 I don't think I'm gonna tag a full 10 ppl, but we'll see sjdjfj

okay let's gooo @watermelon-mafia @croakings @caprisun-overlord @lemememeringue @eel-divinity @queen-alluka @queen-eevee @rabooots

almost but not quite 10, good enough for me 💀 ily my beloveds, hope everyone is having a pleasant time (if not I'm wrapping you in a blanket and giving you cookies okay gn)

14 notes - Posted October 13, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

It appears the last two (2)….times I’ve tried creating this post, tumblr thought I was too wordy, so I’m going to attempt to get in and get out before it eats itself again

this playlist (a Dream of the Endless™ character examination via my silly brain and sad ass music) took me entirely too long and I'm going to throw my laptop out of the window if I have to look at it any longer so pls pls take it and I hope that if you listen or even read the lyrics that you find something new, or hear something you like.

This absolutely would not have ever seen the light of tunglr.hell if not for the beautiful souls of the Sandman fandom, and a few of my new friends and mutuals. So special internet cookies and hugs to these inspirational, encouraging, and beyond talented individuals; @wordsinhaled , @weirdfishy , @wizardofgoodfortune , and @xx-vergil-xx - i love y'all dearly and I hope this is even HALF of what you would have expected, or a quarter of the amazing content y'all have bestowed upon my lil eyeballs. Now Onward! to words that personally injure me!

Florence + The Machine -Too Much Is Never Enough

And the crown, it weighs heavy

'Til it's banging on my eyelids

Retreating in covers and closing the curtains

One thing's for certain, oh

A year like this passes so strangely

Somewhere between sorrow and bliss

~I first encountered this song in it's source material FFXV, and there it destroyed me. Now, wearing my dumb lil blorbo glasses yet again, it is back with vengeance..goth royalty sad wet cat flavored (gross), vengeance. "too much is never enough" .... oh sweeties...

Oh, who decides from where up high?

I couldn't say "I need more time"

Oh, grant that I can stay the night

Or one more day inside this life

VIRA - God Complex

God, I could try

To be the one

I'll tear down the sky

What do you want?

I'll do it all for life

My love, my alibi

Tonight, tonight

I'll try to do it for you

~pretty sure this is the angriest sounding song on this thing? but it is fitting.. and desperate.. and wanting and... painful. when she grits out 'try' and 'sky' the way she does.. god the emotion. this just brought to mind Dream and falling for someone hard enough to the point of destructive devotion...

I'm gonna be where you are

Doesn't matter how far

Because we are meant to be

I'm gonna be what you need

Darling, please worship me

Unless you prefer to plead

AJJ - Body Terror Song

~ I love seeing people explore the idea of Dream just...not vibing with being fully corporeal. At least not in the way he is while in the Waking.. what a mood, and especially after the fishbowl...whew.

It will betray you

Be used against you

Then it will fail on you, my dear

But before that, you'll be a doormat

For every vicious narcissist in the world

Oh, how they'll screw you all up and over

Then feed you silence for dessert

Philip Wesley - Lamentations of the Heart

[Instrumental~]

~I wanted to include a few instrumental tracks in here and this one felt apt because I used to fall asleep to this album all the time. Like it was one of the only ones I could fall asleep to with any certainty. The feeling and title for this one tho struck me with Dream specifically so I went with it. The rest of the album is so nice though, highly rec.

Iris Lune - Paper Mache

~ this song!! it sounds so so ethereal and her voice is GORGEOUS but the lyrics!! have mercy the lyrics! big ole owwie! "save me from myself" , "make me believe that I can change, make me believe that I'm not strange" hhhh (also if y'all couldn't tell, this will be dreamling flavored, I think I'll tag them too jic but. yes...)

Save me from myself

I've been in the dark too long

Paper mache love

Make me believe that I can change

Make me believe that I'm not strange

At all

Penny and Sparrow - A Kind of Hunger

tremble, recognize the distance

Go try and murder every preference

I’ll keep hangin' ‘round for reference

come care about me

~this is... such a heavy song. hadn't heard it before starting this playlist but found it and immediately had to add it.. just. come care about me. changing, watching you with wonder. Dying is just a kind of hunger. that line specifically. -lays on the floor for 3hrs-

changing, watching you with wonder

you’re less and getting even younger

dying is just a kind of hunger

come care about Me

Carly Rae Jepsen - Gimme Love

~originally was gonna be a joke song to lighten the mood but haha! nope! I mean it is lighthearted but it still absolutely, in my mind, fits Morpheus. beautiful babygirl of the endless...smooch

Gimmie love (Oh)

It's the way we are together (Oh)

Wanna feel like this forever, forever (Oh)

It's the way we are together

And I never thought I'd ever say forever

Jon Bellion - Stupid Deep (Acoustic)

~this song fucks me up! 😀 for real though, I highly suggest watching the acoustic performance of this that he has on youtube cause the vibe is so.. intimate and dreamy and gorgeous.. and the lyrics.. jon bellion, sir.. smh.. the ending..

What if who I hoped to be was always me?

And the love I fought to feel was always free?

What if all the things I've done

Were just attempts at earning love? Yeah

'Cause the hole inside my heart is stupid deep, oh, stupid deep

See the full post

48 notes - Posted November 11, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#year in review #that longest tag 🤦‍♂️💀💀#anyway here's this mess ajdjakfkg #still so overjoyed tht ppl liked that dream playlist... I'm also v proud of it 🥺#jules.intothevoid✨#Spotify #for some reason did not realize that the year in review thing would tag everyone mentioned in it... again..#so I'm very sorry if your notifs are blown up by me 'mentioning' you ajfjsjfn #hopefully it's just a reminder that ily 🥲💖💖🥺#have a good day beloveds 💖

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77pupu33pipo · 10 months

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so sorry feel free to skip, big rant ahead.. but good ending :)

i really hope i can get free university tuition for the next year.. there are two vacant positions atm and i think i have a great chance of getting one.. i enrolled last year with 50% discount based on exam results but this discount is only kept if you stay high enough in student ratings and it kept me awake at night throughout the year and feeling guilty, and the workload was completely draining, and i was physically unwell and um. 0 friends and so i had a complete mental breakdown at the end of the year + a failed class and no year-end thesis which meant i needed an individual plan for the next year which meant no discount AND additional pay for extra courses. Decided to drop out, but instead re-enrolled in the same program for the second time to preserve 50% exam discount which is still appliable. Asked for credit recovery for all of the courses i actually completed last year and bless the faculty office because they agreed and spent this year taking my sweet time recovering and attending uni 3 times a week for language classes and thesis. And funny thing is i did pretty well last year. But complete burn out and absolutely shattered mental health, i really couldnt do it anymore. and i don't think ive recovered from it completely, i now resent the thought of any kind of confrontation or trying hard at something or taking an additional interest in something because that just means more work and thought. none of it pays off. i now give up when met with the smallest inconvenience and pushing through with anything is too much. i played The Sims Fucking 3 University one time and got so anxious and mad because the memory was painful. And i dont even remember the stuff that happened during last year that well at all, its all a complete haze, like it never even happened, but somehow still had its consequences. but like pretty much everyone was going through the same stuff in the same circumstances, but i didnt see anyone else struggling that much so i ended up thinking i am a wimp just wasting our and others' time and money and didnt complain or express my worries to anyone. i didnt exactly have anyone to express them to but well....

on the bright side i think I have succeeded in developing a "fuck-all" mentality in the last year and i hope to utilize it next time i am met with the same workload. Plus my groupmates this year round are amazing. i struggle to form close friendships or acquaintences, but they are all very nice and sweet and supportive of one another, its really nothing ive ever seen of classmates or colleagues. And i also think i have made good progress in learning Finnish and have regained just a bit of my passion for linguistics, i wouldnt want to resent the field forever because if it comes to academics i dont think im suited for anything else. my mother has been nagging me about taking what is essentially a gap year, and saying i was making stuff up when i told her about my decision and that ive been really struggling for the past year, even though i was just wailing at the time. But its alright i guess, i don't take it to close to heart, although it does make me so mad sometimes.

im better off now, but im still so scared of plunging back into all that anxiety, restlessness, exhaustion, competition and feelings of stupidity and inferiority. I have mostly dealt with the last two, but i dont think i will be able to take the stress if it is the same as last year. If i stay on paid tuition, then i have to continue securing my discount. And that means extra work in every subject, because you can't get max and pre-max grade by just completing the course perfectly, you're required to do extra work for the last two marks. I realize and understand that this is a common system, but jesus fucking christ i want to be able to choose not to do so and still continue studying like normal, not be handicapped in learning stuff i actually have to learn in other subjects because of useless shit i need to waste my time on for that sweet sweet 9 or 10. and you're competing both with people like you on paid tuition AND with people on free tuition who have some issues i think as the difference between mark 8 and mark 10 is only seen in the student rating and not recorded in the diploma, and the student rating does not mean jack shit if you're on free tuition, literally no one cares for it outside of calculating discounts and transfering from paid to free tuition. I don't want to think badly of those on free tuition who choose to compete in the system, but i believe i have become too senstitive about this topic. I want to bonk them with a cardboard tube to make them change their minds and see the appeal of being free to fuck all when it comes to grades and just do what they actually enjoy in the academics field or on the side, but that doesnt happen.

and so i have a pretty good chance of getting on free tuition with my current grades. I worked my ass off last year with most of the courses, and i got a "great" on both language classes and thesis this year. As far as i know, im first in rating among those on paid tuition. im sending mind control waves to faculty so that they give me that free tuition. i promise i will get worse grades on purpose so that people who are still stuck in clinging to discount hell have a bit of an easier time. i'll read papers for fun and find joy in learning new things again. i will do minimum wage monotone work needed for dictionaries or corpora like all the cool kids. Fuck it, i will do some afterclass activities now that ill be able to afford to spend my free time on random shit. ill attend historical dance meetings regularly, its really fun. ill make some friends even. just PLEASE give me the free tuition. if i don't, i will sigh deeply and continue trying to grind, but ill be upset.

maybe i need to stop whining and just go on with it like everybody did, but pleaseeeeeee. I think i worked hard. I completed every assignment without taking a look at how much it weighed in the grade formula. I helped fellow students when they struggled with something. I had almost perfect attendance. THIS stupid thing will change my life, stupid thing being free tuition. i cant afford to not get a mind boggling cool education, my family will execute me. Please just let me get my stupid little linguistics degree (i mean it includes programming and maths so.) and go on with my life... ...

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kneworder · 1 month

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help me make a decision i'm currently double majoring in media studies and english and considering dropping english here's my pro con list

pros of dropping

i can make it a minor and then also minor in studio art and then get to mostly take art classes my senior year

i'm not a bad writer but i am the most chronic procastinator i know and get scarily worked up over writing assignments because i can't physically bring myself to do them for days at a time for some godforsaken reason and the idea of having to do a big final thesis project both semesters senior year kind of makes me want to walk into the ocean

i have an idea for my media studies thesis but absolutely nothing for english

i would have to take three english classes + capstone next year which is an entire semester's worth of english

if i dropped english my schedule next semester would only include one major writing class and it would be my media capstone class so i wouldn't have to worry about anything else

neutral fact

my mom was an english major who always regretted not taking art classes in college bc it was what she wanted to do as a kid so i think it would make her really happy if i took more art classes (but it would also make her happy to see me major in english!)

cons of dropping

my media studies focus is film/media STUDIES not production and i'm worried that it's going to make my resume look like i'm interested in production

add on to that i have no idea what i want to do career-wise but afaik as much as it's clowned on an english major is actually pretty versatile when it comes to like a lot of soft skills jobs while afaik media studies is a little less so? i might be making this up

add on to THAT my extracurricular section sucks ass aka my resume is lame as hell rn and i feel like having 'double major' on it is doing a lot of work

i would always wonder what would have happened if i didn't drop it aka i always thought i would major in english as a kid

lowkey think i might be like. a little mentally unwell and i don't want to make a decision i'll regret based on like baseless worry (i've been thinking about this for like a year but i've also been in a weird place since i started college so)

either way i won't be able to fit in any freebie classes, it's either i'm taking four english classes next year or i'm taking four art classes

basically i'm trying to balance having a decent resume and having a courseload next year that won't make me want to kill myself

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diary-of-a-vampire · 4 months

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I'm exhausted. Exhausted of everything lately. Not the exhausted like in high school - the exhausted were I didn't even want to exist anymore. Just the exhausted, that makes me wonder what the point is in everything. The only things I feel like I can, is draw, or write - lately, even that is too much. Hell, I'm even afraid to show my art to other people. Then, what even is my point? I don't even understand why I'm so terribly frightened to show the things I put my heart and soul in. Even if lately sometimes, I feel like my soul is sucked out of my body.

Connections in real life feel meaningless, no matter how friendly. Going to school feels pointless, what am I even doing there, if so much social anxiety, and only quietly sitting there? Sometimes I genuinely laugh about a friend, and then I wonder, why people even like me. Other times I see people laugh, and I wonder what's the point, isn't it a fake laugh like the one I mostly put on my face?

I'm at that point where I don't even want someone to share my feelings with. They're way too big anyways, and it's meaningless - all connections lately feel so surface levelled, pointless - even if I'm grateful.

Best friend that abandoned me for someone else, other old friend I cut contact with because I felt suffocated - I miss you and yet I don't. Reaching out to me would even feel like too much. Everything is too much.

Too many sounds make me go exhausted, life feels unreal, more often I look at my hands again and wonder if I even exist. More mental breakdowns and the confidence I once had, completely shattered. The reflection of my bus mirror shows a worn out face, dark circles and cheekbones that stick out too much. I don't even know who I am again lately, not even who I want to be.

I'm stuck, and my pills don't work well enough if you ask me. They keep away my anxiety sometimes, and they calm me down when I'm too much. But whenever I feel sad or depressed, it just doesn't stop the hole in my chest from sinking deeper - and the ocean behind my eyes from swallowing me at that moment.

People try to be friendly and tell me 'at least you tried,' or 'at least you showed up.' they mean well when I'm too afraid to do something or get anxious. But I've had these moment ever since I can remember in my life; wanting to do things so badly and when low, getting stopped by my mental health. I tried everything over the past years whenever I was low and anxious - but people don't understand it makes me even more frustrated. Because, after all these years, at some point, trying or being present doesn't bring you further to your dreams and I don't like it - even if I know they mean well.

I really just needed someone to sit with me, and let me cry, and ask me how I am. How I really am.

But you know, Charlie always goes on, even after crying puts a big smile on their face, and barely complains - so I guess people think I'm stronger than I actually am...

I want to be seen and heard, but I also don't. I'm tired trying for so long to live like a person without mental illness, no matter what I do. And no matter how well I feel again everytime, and how much hope I gather - I always end up here again. I hate it so much.

I wish I could show my art and become the artist I wish to be, but I'm too scared. And even if I want to when I'm low, my mental illness always tries to push me down.

Numerous times I've heard people tell me 'But don't say you can't! You can do anything if you want to!' I've heard it too many times, and it makes me sick.

My brain makes it impossible to live my life sometimes. Even physically, I get unwell, and I tremble and shake and just barely function at that moment. And I wish people would understand. Because I'm not just a little anxious; I get sickly frightened, I get outrageous when I'm angry, my body physically hurts whenever I am sad, when I'm too happy, I get annoying and have so much energy up until it doesn't feel good anymore.

I only express it when I'm home alone, or only sometimes at home.

However, when I'm fine, I can go weeks or months being grateful, good, content, confident and feeling good. Without these swings or lonely feelings.

I wish I was feeling good again like last year around this time. Where I was convinced I would find a girlfriend - because now I feel like love doesn't even exist, and I wouldn't even want it. Where I felt good-looking and wasn't so tired and had so much inspiration - in contrast to now, where I don't even know what to think of my body, and feel dissapointed in my face and myself and everyone else a lot of the time. Last year, where I used to be so happy, and made friends and could relax - in contrast to now, where my mood keeps swinging and I have irrational fears and an imagination too big. Now, where I even see black spots in the sky when I'm stressed and move so slow in nervous breakdowns. Back then, when I woke up in winter - and it felt like summer. In contrast to this summer, where I woke up, and I felt like winter and felt like I was slowly going insane.

I keep telling myself I'm not depressed, and when I'm well, I'm doing fine - but maybe I am depressed again lately at moments. Because today, I don't feel like anything - not even the things that used to make me excited.

I know, my good feeling will come back though, until I overwork myself to the point of going obsessed and deeply irritable - only to feel insecure and tired and have a nervous breakdown and get sad again eventually. It's like a loop. And I just want to feel so confident again like then...

Perhaps I'm just lonely, and should do something about it. But I don't feel like trying, I don't feel like doing anything - I don't even know why I should.

Perhaps I isolate myself too much, or am just doing it all for attention - but honestly, I wouldn't even wish this upon an enemy if I had one. Perhaps I isolate myself, but it's so fun to always know no one reaches out, even when you always make sure to try so anyone doesn't feel like this when you're around.

Perhaps, I can't be myself. I feel worthless lately and underserving of even the smallest friendly gestures and it's like my whole personality just fades in front of me when I'm around other people. I'm someone else when I'm alone or at home - and then I change into this bleak person again when other people are around. I'm someone else, but I feel like people would reject me somehow, I just can't be who I am supposed to be when insecure - except when I feel confident and it all doesn't affect me.

Perhaps, I can only give, and not receive. Perhaps, I'm just not destined to always be happy - and to go in waves, otherwise, my art wouldn't really have any inspiration, I guess...

I don't know. I'm just tired, and I don't feel like trying. And even if I don't have the right to, I just feel let down.

And you know what's even more hilarious? Perhaps I'll wake up again tomorrow, like nothing's wrong - all back to normal until it goes like this again. Who knows, I'll feel better again tomorrow, and this all feels made up. (I hope so)

0 notes

perplexingluciddreams · 2 years

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April 3rd:

Talk about jobs. Do you currently work or have you worked before? Was it hard for you to find a job? Does your job work well regarding your autism? Alternatively, if you don’t work, what was school like for you as an autistic person? What was good about it? What was bad?

I am 17 and don’t work, I probably never will work. I have been to 3 schools in total. (for context, i’m in scotland and we have primary school for 7 years, P1-P7, then high school for 6 years, S1-S6).

My first school was when i was still living in england (where i was born) and i don’t remember it very much other than the fact that i hadn’t quite figured out how to engage with anything yet. I had some “friends” but what really was happening is that they were all friends with each other and i got left out and pushed to the side, but still sort of hung around them even though i wasn’t participating in any actual interaction. and lessons were fine and i did fine with the work at that point, but often i needed things re-explained to me and i think i daydreamed a lot. I only went to this school for 2 years (reception aka P1, and Year 1 aka P2. the system is slightly different in england and scotland.)

My second school was the one i went to for the longest, five years (P3-P7). i had a lot of trouble with the transition from my old school to this one, especially because we moved country and house and everything was different. i remember feeling jolted into a different mode in my brain, suddenly forced to be in “survival mode”. I had a lot of meltdowns/shutdowns and cried a lot. i was constantly overwhelmed. somehow i managed to cope with school mostly, and keep up with the work. i was offered a lot less help at this school, especially my first year there, because they just assumed i was fine i suppose. I just remember being so overwhelmed with anxiety and constantly on the edge of tears. by the time i got a bit older they seemed to notice i needed more support, so despite not being in “special education” or qualifying for support teachers, i often got sat with the kids that did get support teachers, so they could help me too if needed. i also was the “weird kid” except i didn’t seem to be ignored like the other disabled kids were, i just got made fun of, ridiculed, teased, bullied, mocked. there was a lot of mocking, and it was worse because i usually didn’t know that i was being made fun of at the time. i was also being abused during this whole time (5years) so that didn’t exactly help things. by the end of primary school i was having almost daily meltdowns, that my parents treated like tantrums and yelled at me when i couldn’t help it or control it. and i have always dreaded going to school, but i think i stopped complaining/communicating that i felt that way because the reply was always “you’ll be fine once you get there”. especially because the only way i could say it was saying i felt unwell (which i did, but only because of anxiety) and i learned after a long time that i would never be listened to, so i just have up on telling people that i felt awful and tried to push through.

It’s no surprise to me (or anyone) that i didn’t manage much of secondary school. I struggled my way through first and second year, running on pure anxiety and the need to just keep pushing, because that’s all i knew how to do. by this point i barely ever felt like i had control of my body, i was stuck, still having extremely frequent meltdowns and shutdowns, in a waking nightmare. The thing that eventually stopped me going to school was my physical health- the mental stress i was under had irreversible effects on my body, and kicked several genetic physical disabilities/chronic illnesses into full power. I had many times off school “sick” in first and (especially) second year, and i finally crashed and burned spectacularly at the end of second year.

I will not be doing any more school or education for the rest of my life probably. unless it’s some sort of “special education” life skills type of thing.

Again, there is so much more I could say on this topic. Disabled kids need to be looked after in school much better. and there was so much more that contributed to school ruining my whole life and well-being. but i don’t really have the energy and i’ve already written so many words. this took a long time because my hands don’t like to obey me and i typed this whole thing instead of using AAC, but i’m not reading over it to correct mistakes and make it clearer this time so i hope it made some sense, and that i actually answered the question without straying too far.

#30daysofautismacceptance #2022 #autism #autistic #aac #high support needs #nonverbal #nonspeaking #from the chaos of my mind

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