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faithfromanewperspective · 5 months

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Bipolar James??

Hi anon! I see you've found my post on something, likely related to the midnight heir and want to ask more. I still don't know how to link posts on this site, and my original was very much processing on the go and I doubt its comprehensibleness, so here goes. I'll try to summarise it.

First off this is a headcanon, a hypothesis if you will that attempts to make sense of the evidence we see in the different canon appearances of James Herondale: Nothing but Shadows; Cast Long Shadows; The Midnight Heir; and The Last Hours trilogy. Three short stories from different collections and three very long books. We get James' POV only in TLH and NBS (but more on this later). It is also a piece of a puzzle and really only partly explains what is going on for this boy: no real person can be minimised to a psychiatric diagnosis, and same goes with a well-constructed fictional character. I'll touch on some of the other context I find as important, and so this post might derail at times but I'll bring it back to the question you have asked. So without further ado:

There have been a lot of criticisms of the way Cassandra wrote James and I do want to say, these are valid. And it's okay to be disappointed. Personally I don't think he's necessarily inconsistent; instead I see the inconsistencies of expression as different forms of self-expression of a mentally ill teenager who's trying to make sense of his own existence in a world that can be cruel but needs love and kindness, but often only accepts these in neuronormative ways which cannot ever capture his own idealism and need for a specific kind of connection. Who was born into the lonely role of being the first ever of his kind; and on top of one-quarter of his genetics coming from a demon, his other three grandparents carry the genetics for a range of neurodivergences, further isolating his experience. He's such an interesting intersection of having grown up with love and having grown up carrying more than a child ever should, with no one there to really witness and empathise, not properly in the way he needs. So I'm going to go through chronologically to how I've reached this hypothesis, feel free to skim to headings if you like!

From the beginning: feeling isolated, neurodivergence and trauma Here I briefly touch on James' first canon appearance: the Whitechapel Fiend. He's only a toddler, a good kid, whose comfort item is a spoon, okay, and he likes to repeat what it is which is baby behaviour but also like this is our baby autistic boy (first piece of context). Here he spends time with his cousins as their parents fight demons. Yet, later he doesn't feel close with said cousins as we see in Nothing But Shadows, set approximately 11 years later.

Fast forward to the summer he turns 13, in Days Past in Chain of Gold and also Nothing But Shadows. His grandparents have died, he's a muddle of feelings and feels excluded from his parents' grief. He's going to Hatchards with his father, feeling socially awkward and self-conscious about it, about his existence, everything. My important piece of information to take away here is that from the outside you wouldn't know he's feeling like this. He's shy, well he's 13. He likes to read, what a good kid, what a cute hobby. Thomas calls him 'aloof and above it all' while he's actually half dissociated from the overwhelm and is constantly escaping into books to cope, to the point where he isn't sleeping well and he's missing classes. He's actually close with his parents, he doesn't have any other social networks (even though he is friends with Cordelia and Thomas, but he doesn't see them regularly and doesn't seem to know how to maintain long-distance friendships like Lucie does) and yet he still feels as if he shouldn't intrude on them and their feelings. This persists when he decides to stay at the Academy instead of worrying his mother or have Tessa feel as if her heritage was hurting him. He has this insecurity about worrying people that carries through all the canon stories we see him in, and even influences his narration.

And yet he's quite emotionally mature for 13. We see it in his conversation with Matthew when they first open up to each other. He stands up for himself when Matthew laughs. We see him processing in real time what it must be like to grow up having to care for your parents. We also see it in his ideals and his justification for why he's a shadowhunter. He's very empathetic, he cares a lot about injustice, he sees things from the perspectives of downworlders and mundanes and isn't afraid to say it, even when it further exacerbates the social awkwardness he's so self-conscious about. And I know, so far all I've done is made a case for him being autistic.

But he's also selfless to the point where it isn't sustainable, filled with hurt and rage as well as a growing consensus that he doesn't deserve to be taken care of and how could he ever be loved enough to be someone's parabatai? In one scene we see him direct this rage at Alastair. But most of the time it's directed at himself, and you wouldn't even know that it's there. You'd just see the boy who's always reading, who's a little shy and self-conscious (but as we see in Cast Long Shadows is starting to come out of his shell and build a little confidence when he's with his friends). A typical 14yo introvert. And he's so good, he's protective and loyal and justice-driven, he even threw Augustus Pounceby in the river when he insulted Tessa.

But what if that was just another expression of the rage and unprocessed hurt that becomes depression? It's not like with Matthew, who is expressive and friendly and wears his emotions close to the surface. It's the way it compounds with his shadow realm related ongoing trauma and autism-related sensitive nervous system to send it haywire, constantly watchful, nightmares instead of sleeping. And yes he works through the most obvious ptsd-ish symptoms here with Jem, but prolonged hypervigilance alone is a trigger for depression and I'm pretty certain that's what we're seeing in the lingering insomnia and self-deprecating thoughts he's used to dismissing (except in that odd window of time that is TMH when his self-control and inhibitions are down) and reliance on his friends to feel just about anything positive. We see it when he says the time with Cordelia 'was the happiest [weeks] of [his] life' in Chain of Thorns--like, mate, you barely left the house and you dreamed of people dying the entire time, was this really better than your entire life? He's a worrier and an overthinker and some of that is down to his neurodivergence and isn't in itself problematic, but sometimes things aren't that easy to unravel: he's always been like this, living with big feelings he tries to hide the intensity of and a bias towards the negative that he's simply learned to build a sense of optimism around. And so to him all of this is normal; he's largely accepted it, and he lives with it: not in a state of desperation but a numb sort of acceptance that is the product of years of work. Of course, even this coping strategy comes apart sometimes.

The Bracelet: Exacerbating and Twisting Existing Cognitive Processes and Midnight Heir Mania This next part of the headcanon mostly depends on my interpretation of what exactly the spell of the bracelet does. Mostly. Not completely. But after much investigation I've come to the conclusion that the bracelet is mostly an attention diverter. It functions a bit like ADHD forgetfulness, interestingly enough, but what is pretty much canon is it doesn't actually manufacture affection for Grace, only redirects the existing feeling of isolation and longing that it exacerbates by directing James' attention away from being able to focus on and maintain the memory of the feeling of belonging from when he's with his friends, family, whatever--but then again, he's kind of always been like that. It attempts to connect in his head pathways between the concepts of Grace, kissing, and love, and you can tell how much it gets both muddled with and overshadowed by the real thing when they kiss in Chain of Iron and James just subconsciously goes straight to imagining Cordelia. I think this is because it is demonic in origin and demons can't manufacture real love, or even feel it. My point is, I guess, that the bracelet isn't massively powerful (hence being able to pass undetected while conducting minimal attention diversion on others) but it is constantly, persistently, manipulating whatever neurological processes exist for James and directing them towards its own goal (this feeds into my theory of warlock genetics and DNA mimicry but here isn't the post to talk about it).

Thus, in some ways it functions like a less-than-ideal medication: it does prevent the overthinking from running free unless it's about Grace (which is probably helpful at times, and we see it in bits in Chain of Thorns when he's spiraling a lot more) but also dampens James' problem-solving abilities and overall intelligence, including his emotional intelligence about his friends which is probably the most heartbreaking part. It exacerbates any existing rarely-focused-on proprioception and alexithymia (another headcanon, not as strong but it fits) but makes him hyper-aware of a sense of pain and emptiness whenever he's not with Grace, building the association that it's from being without her. Mostly, it serves to contrast his connection (and their friendship is real, to start with) with Grace with the rest of the world by hindering his ability to feel connection and causing more isolation: which is unfortunately the thing James has been trying to get out of his entire life. We see Grace narrate that she saw the light go out in his eyes when she put it on him. This means that he gets to feel love and connection for a few short months only, and even that was against a backdrop of some pretty intense trauma (and through this contrast, the story paints the picture that connection and love=good and will defeat evil, isolation and secrets are bad and leave you vulnerable).

From there it's not a big jump to say that in The Midnight Heir, when Grace has broken up with him in a letter and there's no way to talk things over just that immediate and unexpected betrayal, the bracelet will have him hyperfixating on the hurt and the loss of Grace: the loss of his only hope and real joy and connection in life. His inhibitions and self-control that still, even with the bracelet on, have him behaving in socially acceptable ways in hopes of fitting in and laying the groundwork to love and connect with the rest of the world in a way that something in James has always longed for (yet simultaneously found all but impossible) and we see this when he goes to comfort Eunice Pounceby in his parents' stead--are down in this moment in time. And I refuse to believe that it's purely because of the alcohol. In fact, I think it's something that comes prior to his alcohol consumption at that time; the alcohol no doubt exacerbates it but if he were truly drunk he would not have such good aim with the gun (Ragnor wouldn't have been encouraging to shoot things if he was likely to accidentally kill someone imo) and he wouldn't be able to ride a bicycle with no hands or climb Nelson's Column or whatever it's called. Actually, based on what Will and Tessa say to Magnus about how he's usually so good but has basically been off the rails recently, I would say this is quite a clear indicator of a (hypo)manic episode.

A big misconception about bipolar is that manic episodes have to be euphoric (like extra happy and excited etc). This is quite clearly a dysphoric manic episode: it's as if the hurt and the hopelessness and every feeling he's been hiding have come to a head and been unable to be contained by the person he presents as to the world anymore. He's filled with self-deprecating rage, he's been under the bracelet's spell for long enough that he's shrinking from the possibility of being cared for even more than he already would, he's hanging out with Matthew who's in a similar headspace and is already a heavy drinker and Christopher who's already unhinged most of the time; Thomas is in Madrid and so there's no one to really ground him. On top of that it's mid to late winter and James pretty much canonically gets seasonal depression anyway, and depression and (hypo)mania can actually be triggers for each other and so it's quite possible that all of this built up to a point until he was unable to care about what people thought or how he treated them anymore and started doing things he wouldn't usually; with that came a burst of energy from his suppressed rage and all of this mounted into a dysphoric (hypo)manic episode. The letter from Grace was the cherry on top but also what catalysed him to burn off the rest of his energy in one night and almost die multiple times; we can assume his parents and Jem intervene somehow and somehow by the time we see him next in Chain of Gold he's back to his usual muted slightly frustrated (bracelet) self. That's my theory at least.

And I would say that the bracelet did have a big role to play in this but it didn't completely cause it. It only lined up more dominoes than would be there without it, possibly making it more extreme than it otherwise would be or show up at a time when it otherwise wouldn't. I also think TMH therefore is consistent with canon, and I see clues in TLH that build on this point: the same insecurities about worrying the people around him and the fact that he'd rather suffer alone; and a similarly unstoppable energy in Chain of Iron when he's tying himself to a bed the minute he's alone at home trying to figure out if he's the murderer just because he's dreaming through the murderer's eyes (and imo that's not a rational possibility at all, considering things like winter and nightclothes and wrong weapons and Effie would definitely notice him leaving and coming back covered in blood) and yet he won't just go to the Institute and tell his parents what's going on and have them watch him instead of ropes he can definitely untie. Like then it's far from a true hypomanic episode but he's hurting, he's desperate, he's quietly dramatic and feeling isolated and he's narrating the whole story like nothing is wrong and Cassandra wants us all to be worried about Matthew and somehow only Lucie and sometimes Thomas notice that James isn't okay either.

James' masking and narration style Finally, I've talked about this before but James (and also Tessa, which I think is where he gets it from) have a tendency to narrate what's going on around them in a way that kind of dissociates from how they're feeling. For James, it's almost as if the way he doesn't want to worry anyone around him has permeated into his internal narrative and combined with the skills he's learned to keep his head up while he's actually suffering quite a lot. I'd say this is much more prevalent at 17 than at 13 but it is still always there. If he shows the Mask (which Cordelia hates and he mostly uses when he's under the bracelet's influence, but we do see it a couple of times without) to the people around him, this is how he maintains a sense of optimism and autonomy to himself as he goes through a world that is very overwhelming. It's like a mix of radical acceptance and emotional dissociation which isn't the healthiest but also isn't the worst, it's quite common I'd say where I'm from (and this isn't tsc fandom related at all but I wrote a post on the western sydney work ethic which it reminds me a little of). It also means as readers (with this combined with Cordelia's narration and she views James through very rose coloured glasses) we're led to spend the entire trilogy worried about Matthew (who we get very minimal POVs from and the two we get really just serve to further the plot with barely any introspection) who is himself, actually very worried for James. It becomes a weird enmeshed cycle, but hey, what are parabatai for? And then in the epilogue of Chain of Thorns Matthew hits us with the heartbreaking (because it's to Cordelia) line 'the past few months [have really showed me or smth] how miserable James has been, and for [so?] long'. Like James is doing alright, he always has been, he never needed to be looked after the way Thomas or Christopher seemed to even back at the Academy. But he hasn't really been doing well, at least since then if not longer, and no one knows him or understands this better than Matthew.

I really wish we got James' POV in the epilogue of Chain of Thorns but instead we get Cordelia twice, and we see them in love and really living that and seemingly having done so and gotten closer the way they were always meant to be over that six months we don't see. He seems every bit that person we only got glimpses of who shows and tells her how much he loves her regularly because the feelings are so overwhelming in a good way for once but also because he's able to channel the very thoughtful and selfless way he's learned to interact with those around him into his relationship with his wife and she actually treats him in the same way in return: the wounds of isolation are slowly healing, it's summer and the depression has eased, the desperation and longing aren't really significant now that his needs for the kind of connection where he's seen and feels respected and free the way he likes to be are met, and overall this is a euthymic period for possibly the first time since he was very small and we love it for him--but it's also quite hard to tell on first read how significant this is, because he narrates as someone who's used to suffering and it's so normalised the way that culturally, most of us don't live like this (and that's probably a good thing for us).

Final thoughts Do I think the rage against injustice isn't there anymore, isn't simmering below the surface, it just magically went away because James and Cordelia are married and live happily ever after? No. Do I think that the trauma from his school days, the insecurities he picked up from his parents, and the whole sexual abuse fiasco won't come back to bite him later? Of course not. This headcanon exists because I can see that James' story doesn't end with one (1) eurhythmic period but instead this almost out-of-character ending is actually, just like the controversial TMH, a part of a bigger picture in which complex neurobiology can bring up changes in energy and mood in a cyclical manner and that seems to be what's going on with James. I do think that he'd require another hypomanic episode without the bracelet's interference to be diagnosed if psychiatry the way we know it existed then, and I do hope that when his life is less stressful and there's no sudden trips to the shadow realm and he's feeling connected and not constantly overwhelmed and maybe gets a chance to do some social justice stuff and express his sense of justice in a healthy way, they'd be a lot fewer and far between and probably less severe. But I do also think the minute you put him on an antidepressant he'd be not sleeping again (antidepressants can trigger mania) and maybe this time super excited about something? Autistic special interests that transcend the need for sleep in researching his favourite occult magicians maybe? Like it's mostly a vibe at this point, but I do think the evidence is there, and here are a few more reasons why:

First, the high genetic crossover with things like autism both in brain structures and co-occurrence. I think he gets his autism from Linette and from Aloysius Starkweather. I think the recipe for bipolar is also handed down with that mixed with whatever is going on with Edmund Herondale. Cassandra Clare invented genetics and Charles and Matthew Fairchild are evidence of this. I think their genetics would be consistent with what happens irl and to this point they have only proven this. I'm not going to quote the exact stats because studies vary, both conditions are massively underdiagnosed and have a tendency to be explained in stereotypical ways impacting the stats (James is very unstereotypical and I love that for him) and I have misquoted this before and I don't want to do that but I also don't have the time to dive into every scientific study and analyse their viability. But hey, the science is there.

And finally, the Waterstones letter Matthew sends to James from his trip when he has some advice from Oscar Wilde' ghost I believe and he thinks it might apply to James as well. Matthew is another character I've also headcanoned to have bipolar though it looks very different for him (also this is why I love these two's dynamic so much) and he's very intuitive about these things even with none of the terms we know today. So I wouldn't be surprised that he'll be like 'oh yeah this is me and james both' and be dead right about exactly what both of them need.

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hourglass-dreams · 1 year

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Bruno Madrigal Mental Health/Neurodivergence Headcanons 💚

Disclaimer: yes I know the movie is about generational trauma within Latin American culture and I am taking that into account. But I also know this (like all types of trauma) effect mental health GREATLY. Bruno also shows clear ND traits whether that be Autism, ADHD, etc... And are underrepresented in Latin American communities. If you disagree that is fine! But I never intend to ignore the culture in any way. When it comes to the OCD stuff, please know that I am not trying to depict superstition and the condition as being the same thing. Someone can be superstitious and not have OCD and vise-versa. OCD is a complex condition that can become disruptive to someone’s life while a superstition is a type of belief or practice.

Another thing is that half of these will get pretty heavy in nature since trauma, OCD, depression, etc... Are real issues meant to be taken seriously. I will refrain from sharing headcanons that discuss more triggering subject matter ❤️

Alright here we go. 💚 I'll start with the I guess, lighter ones?

I cannot remember who had this first one originally but I loved it. It's basically an idea where Bruno likes tight hugs and deep pressure. So whenever he’s around people and feels overwhelmed his sisters will hug him really tight to ground him. (Over the years they’ve gotten better at recognzing his behavoiral changes since he has a hard time communicating when he’s experiencing overload or severe anxiety, even Alma has begun doing this) And of course he’ll only let specific people hug him like that. In the rare occasion that he isn’t around them in the village, he’ll either run back home or of course have his rats with him. His rats are wonderful comfort animals. Credit to the person who came up with the deep pressure idea!

Along with the deep pressure theme, Mirabel had this idea for a “cuddle blanket” (or, a weighted blanket) for Bruno. So, the grandkids banded together to help her make it, adding in something special from each of them. Isabela grew Lamb’s Ear and Mullien leaves on the outside of it to give it differing textures (those leaves are EXTREMELY soft, it’s insane). There also little pockets on the sides for his rats to climb in.

When the triplets were children, Bruno would write little messages in wet sand when he couldn’t verbalize what he needed. Pepa started doing this too when she’d give someone the silent treatment XD.

This is probably surprising to no one but Bruno has a drawer full of salt containers.

When Bruno returned, he still felt like an intruder so he would just stay in his tower. His sisters or Mirabel had to practically beg him to get out and be with the family.

He always had a fascination with hourglasses even before he got his gift, when he got his tower it came with a random array of hourglasses, one in particular would detect how much time was left until a certain prophecy was fufilled.

When the triples were younger, Bruno had a habit of tapping on of his sisters’ arm. It didn’t always mean he was nervous, it was just a soothing thing. He still does it occasionally.

Still to do this day, Bruno will occasionally bury himself in the sand of his tower.

Bruno either makes too much eye contact, or none at all. Literally, the “seeing your dreams” thing derived from him unknowingly staring at someone.

Bruno’s knowledge of theatre allowed him bond a lot with Camilo, and make him WAY less scared of him.

Sometimes in visions, Bruno will watch movies or plays that haven’t even happened yet and unintentionally spoil the details because he gets so excited. 😂

Sometimes on really bad depression days, the grandkids will play out telenovelas for him so he doesn’t have to get up and force any energy.

Speaking of depression, since Pepa knows how deep and debilitating emotions can get, she tries her best to get Bruno to vent his feelings (When you know.. he wants to and is willing). This has been a great way to rekindle their sibling relationship, and Julieta, being the nurturer that she is, she does whatever she can to comfort them. There were times where all them have started crying.

Alma has the hardest time communicating so sometimes she will just go into Bruno’s room just to be there to let him know that she cares about him.

Bruno adopted some mannerisms that resemble his rats 🐀

Alright, now for the more agnsty ones.

Bruno absolutely despises crowds, before he left, riots would ensue around him made up of angry villagers and he would just shut down, unable to react. To try and distract them, Isabela would swing around on her vine and grow vibrant flowers. Being just a young child, she said she didn’t mind doing it but Bruno hated for her to even be around when it happened, along with any of the other grandkids. They were all too young to witness angry mobs, and he didn’t know how to handle them at all.

There have been times where Bruno will be up all night sprinkling salt between the tiles of Casita and knocking on door frames.

Okay so you know how I said he has a collection of hourglasses? Yeah well one day after having an argument with Alma over the townspeople and his gift, he broke one of those hourglasses in anger. What makes matters worse is that it was the large one tied to his power. Luckily, it gradually repaired itself.

In the first few years of Bruno having his gift, he would cry whenever he had visions because he would have a really hard time processing everything that was going on, like the sights, sounds, bodily sensations, etc.. It was a lot to handle sensory wise, on top of him being a child.

On the topic of his visions being overwhelming, there were times where Bruno would cause himself to bleed from scratching his eyes so hard, luckily he hasn’t blinded himself (well... yet any way).

Sadly there are things Julieta’s food can’t heal, like Bruno’s vision headaches and the recurring bruises on his knuckles.

Bruno has a really bad habit of hitting himself in the head and puling his hair. His rats are fortunately able to prevent him from doing this by distracting him.

Bruno has a very vague idea of what he looks like because of his eisoptrophobia (or spectrophobia, fear of mirrors). He only knows from Camilo or distorted reflections in glass or porcelian. His family has been trying to help ease his anxiety with gradual success.

There are times where Bruno will be so disoriented from a vision or dream he had that he will have severe derealization for a few days. (A state of feeling detached from yourself and or your surroundings or feeling like things aren’t real).

After Pedro died, Alma became hypervigilant and grew more superstitious for a few years, so she often blames herself for Bruno’s ecessive superstitiousness and anxiety. (She blames herself for so many things...)

I might add to this?? Idk <3

#encanto #bruno madrigal #bruno madrigal headcanons #neurodivergent #neurodivergence headcanons #mental health headcanons #this has been sitting in my drafts #bruno my beloved

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onetoomanyfandomfixations · 1 year

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Characters Who Have Illnesses/Disabilities bc I Say So

Part 2

**Disclaimer; I am only doing disabilities and illnesses I either have myself, or those whom I love dearly have (who will then help compile the hcs)

2/?

POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER

Tony Stark (MCU)

Wanda Maximoff (MCU)

Muriel (The Arcana)

Beelzelbub (Obey Me: Shall We Date)

Bakugo Katsuki (Boku No Hero Academia)

Isuzu “Rin” Sohma (Fruits Basket)

Yuki Sohma (Fruits Basket)

#ptsd #post traumatic stress disorder #mental health headcanons #your faves are mentally ill #tony stark #wanda maximoff #muriel #om beelzebub #katsuki bakugou #rin sohma #isuzu sohma #yuki soma

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kunikidas-lost-glasses · 9 months

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Okay but Gojo raised two children at 17/18 alone with like zero experience on how to be a good parent while he was training to become the strongest and shortly after loosing his best friend who had also been the one he had been in love with in one of the most horrendous and cruel ways possible all while keeping up an incredibly cheerful and carefree personality.

You can't tell me that this man wasn't emotionally, mentally and probably also physically exhausted during that time.

#Doing all of that is honestly so impressive #And doing so while being at a bad place in life/struggling with mental health makes it even more difficult to manage #I like to think that Nanami and Shoko kept checking on him frequently despite him saying that he was fine and didn't needed any help #He was just 17/18 at that time. He was so young.#Hc: When he had a moment for himself in the evening when the kids were already in bed he would just sit in bed and stare holes into the air #he would do so for nearly one hour unless one of the kids would call for him which happened rarely #shoving only tiny parts of headcanons which aren't bsd related into the posts which aren't bsd related so that I can still publish them #Listening to sad songs while my mental health is getting worse again really sets the mood for this one #satoru gojo #gojo satoru #gojo saturo #saturo gojo #megumi fushiguro #tsumiki fushiguro #fushiguro tsumiki #geto suguru #suguru geto #satoru x suguru #satosugu #jjk gojo #jjk spoilers #jujutsu kaisen #jjk #not bsd related

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turtleblogatlast · 17 days

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Something really just. Nice that I noticed with the bros is that each of them has shown off some pretty interesting skills.

Raph is the one who fixes April’s ceiling fan for her, Mikey takes on half the work when making the new puppy rescue for Todd, and Leo is outright able to reprogram Shelldon’s AI (he messed up, but the fact he was able to do this at all is like??? Raph and Mikey were there too did they know Leo could do that because they were not surprised-)

Of course, this is nothing compared to Donnie’s own immense talent and skill for inventing and science in general, but it shows that the others are not incapable of assisting in his field if need be.

What I like to think with all of this is that they listened to and likely helped with Donnie’s various ideas growing up. Sure they may not get the specifics, and complex science talk goes right over their heads, but in a pinch they’d be able to get Donnie the right tool or set a wire back in place. It’s not as necessary now that Donnie is much more independent when he makes things, but it’s cute to imagine there being a time where the others had to pitch in and learned some stuff because of it.

#rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rise donnie #rise raph #rise mikey #rise leo #rottmnt headcanons #idk I know we call these boys dumb a lot but they all have smart moments #okay fr this time I’m going back to avoiding tumblr for a bit haha it’s too addicting #rip my mental health #I’ll see you when I finish that comic #actually all of them have a lottt of skills under their belt #and they learn super fast #probably because of Draxum making them to be super engineered or smth #but it’s fun to witness #April too is super superrrr skilled #so is Splinter #honestly they all are awesome and losers at the same time I love

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queerism1969 · 1 year

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ssturniolo · 4 months

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could u write something where reader is going through a sort of depressive episode where like trader just kinda feels hopeless and stuff and is pushing chris away and so he doesn’t understand why until matt like points it out and so chris then feels bad and comforts reader sorry if this is long😭

Everything’ll be alright

𝔭𝔞𝔦𝔯𝔦𝔫𝔤 - Chris x fem!reader

𝔰𝔲𝔪𝔪𝔞𝔯𝔶 - request <3

𝔴𝔞𝔯𝔫𝔦𝔫𝔤𝔰 - mentions of depression, bad mental health, Chris being oblivious, not proofread

Everything in your life has just been going wrong. Or at least it’s felt that way. Simple everyday tasks have grown increasingly difficult to do and every waking moment is it’s own battle. You’ve had no contact with the outside world in who knows how long, not even your own boyfriend. It just seems as though nobody cares and that, along with everything else is slowly destroying you.

Only leaving your bed to use the bathroom and grab another bag of chips that will eventually be thrown to the side uneaten, has been how you’ve been living for awhile now. You’re filled with this overwhelming feeling of despair and it just won’t go away. At war with your own mind, and there doesn’t seem to be a light at the end of this tunnel. Just a dead end.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** **

Chris lays on the couch, scrolling through Instagram while hoping that you’ll answer one of his million texts. He knows you’re pushing him away but he can’t figure out why. What did he do wrong? You’re his first girlfriend and he’s so afraid to loose you but he doesn’t know what’s wrong or what to do.

“Me and Nick are going to McDonald’s if you want to bring y/n,” Matt calls as he grabs his keys off the counter.

“No that’s ok, I don’t think she’d want to” Chris reply’s, not looking up from his phone.

“But I thought she loves McDonald’s? I haven’t heard from her in awhile, how’s she doing?” Matt asks, his voice laced with concern.

“I wouldn’t know” Chris mumbles, clearly hurt.

Every once in awhile you kind of disappear but you’ve never done it for this long, let along not talking to Chris at all.

“Did you guys break up?” Matt asks gently as he sits by Chris on the couch.

“No but she ghosted me” Chris starts, pressing his palms into his eyes. “She’s completely disappeared off of social media, and never answers my texts or calls even when it says she’s active.”

Worry is painted across Matt’s features as he watches his brother fight off tears.

“Chris I think you should go check up on her. Y/n wouldn’t do this without a really good reason and I think she’s really struggling right now. I’ll bring you on the way to McDonald’s ok?”

Chris never thought about that fact you might not be doing well, he was more concerned about you ignoring him.

“Ok, let’s go.”

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** **

You’ve been curled up on your bed, staring at the same spot on your wall for what’s seemed like forever. How long exactly? You have no clue. Your only telling of time was whether there was light peeking through the blinds, or if everything was just swallowed in darkness.

The creak of the door to your room opening startles you out of your dazed state, confused as you hadn’t heard anyone come into your apartment.

“Hey there princess” a familiar voice whispers as he shuts the door behind him.

Chris.

Without another word, he climbs into your bed, snaking his arms around you, holding you close against his chest. And that’s all it took for you to burst into tears, wetting his t-shirt as you cry into his chest.

“I’m trapped Chris, I’m trapped” you manage to cry out in between sobs.

“I don’t know what to do”

“Everything will be alright baby, we’ll figure this out together, I’ve got you” he whispers soothingly into your hair.

There’s a terrible pressure on your chest, you feel everything and nothing at the same time, and your whole life seems to be crumbling down in front of you, but Chris is there. Right besides you through it all just like he’s always been. The world could be falling apart and he’d be there, ready to hold you in his arms and tell you everything will be alright.

Right now, all you need is Chris and he doesn’t plan on leaving anytime soon.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thank you for the request my love 🫶🏻

XOXO - Zoe

Tag-list ⬇️

@dwntwn-strnlo @soleilsturniolos @mbbsgf @gabbylovesreading @0-r-a-y-0 @sturn3g1rl @lvrsparadise @taylorssfilmsss @emssturniolo @ilovemattsturn @nickenthusiast @itsaaliyah2 @thetriplets3 @urfavstromboli

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animehideout · 4 months

Note

Hii! Its my first time requesting something like this but...

I think that it would really be a good idea tho

Insecure Reader x Jjk Men Finding Out

Soo.. Lets say(for the concept) Reader has really been insecure about their body because of childhood trauma.. Thinking that no one would love them or give time to love them they tried to "sewerslide" but.. they fail and after some convincing from there family reader feels a bit better about there body not completely but its better..

Fast Forward A Few Years Later

Reader meets (jjk men) and both of there relationship goes very well (jjk men) were very touchy and clingy to reader... One day (jjk men) convince reader they should go clothe shopping.. while there at the store(can be any store).(jjk men) finds a dress .. they asked reader if they would like to try it.. reader at first says no thinking its way to revealing and memories come back from the past.. but still agreed she went to the changing room and went out to look for (jjk men)/ there bf but they dont find them?.. she searchs and finds there bf with a girl the girl is touchy.. and clingy to there bf/(jjk men) reader sees this and immediately thinks of the worst i mean the girl looked drop dead gorgeous.. there bf (jjk men) notices reader and goes to them ignoring the girl.. they then realized something not right.. reader isn't as clingy or Happy like she was earlier (There bf being there lover notices this and ask) "Reader/N/N.. are you feeling.." but stops mid way sentence they realize that reader keeps adjust the dress and squeezes parts of her body..

(Its up to you if its SFW or NSFW and if you want to Shorten it)

Insecure Reader X JJK Men Finding Out.

check out part 2 here

a/n: Thank you anon for submitting your request. I hope you like it, if you want part 2, or if your fav characters aren't mentioned here please let me know I'll make part 2.

Warnings: Mention of Suic*de / Negative feelings / Negative body image / Depression/ Slight smut.

Nanami Kento:

It's like Nanami was sent from above to heal all of your traumas. Your relationship was smooth he treated you with pure love and care. You already told him about some of your insecurities but didn't go deep into details, leaving your attempts to unalive yourself unspoken of, and hidden within you. To celebrate one of your close friend's bday, he took you out shopping to pick a dress for you.

“Try this one love, I'll wait here for you” .

You took the dress and rushed to the changing cabinet, for the first time you felt beautiful in something revealing, but that soon collapsed to the ground when you found him talking with a drop dead gorgeous lady, with a beautiful body and soft facial features. You observed how both of them spoke, how she was blinking slowly as she extended her hand to touch his forearm. It's like your world stopped. Nanami was the one who helped you temporarily forget about the shit you dealt with in the past but now the same man triggered it again, crashing the efforts you put in order to heal.

Visions of your dark times started showing it's like they were in full display, making you swallow hard, remembering how you used to stand in front if your mirror scolding yourself, attacking your innocent reflection with hate words as if you were your own enemy. You looked down checking your body, regretting that you agreed to go shopping in the first place.

“Excuse me” said Nanami to the woman the moment he noticed you. “Sweetheart, the dress suits you perfectly” he complimented you with a soft smile.

You hummed in return, your eyes still fixated on your own body, awkwardly trying to fix your dress with trembling hands.

“hm? everything is fine?” he asked with a frown.

“y-yeah totally” you lied.

But he picked up to you, noticing that you were feeling down and something changed your mood to the worst.

“Wanna go somewhere less crowded?” he suggested knowing that prolly need some alone time, out of sight.

You nodded slowly, putting back your outfit of the day, exiting the shop. You sat in a empty park, the whole time you were silent, too overwhelmed to find the right words that could express what you've felt. He observed you, giving you some time to compose yourself but he couldn't wait too long so he took the initiative and said,

“I understand how you feel, I-”,

but you cut him off, and he was faced with a side he never thought you had.

“NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS FEELING, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW YOU WAKE UP EVERYDAY AND FIGHT THE URGE TO KILL YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU CAN'T ACCEPT YOURSELF” you yelled as tears started streaming down your cheeks.

His eyes widened, taken aback by what you blurted out. “killing yourself?” these words lingered in his mind, he thought that your insecurity was something normal that anyone experiences but not to the point to make you hate your own existence. Before he could say anything you stood up and started walking away, but he stopped you grabbing your waist,

“you'te not going anywhere love, we need to talk”.

You struggled to break free but he trapped you between his arms making you sit back down on the bench with him.

“Tell me everything, I don't want you to carry any weight alone, I want to share it with you”.

You spent the whole evening venting, expressing yourself.. The more you talked about your attempts the more he held you close, scared of the thought of losing you. Once you finished talking, he spoke with his honey-like voice,

“I'm sorry you had to face all of that, you are beautiful, you are worth it, you are amazing the way you are! But we, humans tend to be harsh on ourselves, we tend to physically hurt ourselves to take our mind off of what we're feeling. But I don't want you to do that again, I don't want you to lose yourself to self hatred. I'm here to unburden you, to take your pain away, that's what lovers do.. I love you so fucking much and I'll always choose you, cuz my mind, body and soul crave you alone”

It's like you've been waiting to hear these words for ages, despite the comfort of your family and friends you've always took it as a flattery but Nanami succeeded in making you try to give yourself a chance to love yourself again.

“And about that woman, she was just trying to make me buy more dresses.. all what I want is you”

He made your heart flutter, he made you feel that it's okay to not be okay. He indeed took that weight that was burdening you for years. He promised to help you in the process of making you feel better again to completely heal.

“Nanami what if someone sees us” you chuckled when he started kissing your jaw,

“I don't care, I just want to show you how much I love you” he said between kisses as his strong arms tightened around you, pulling you to sit on his lap, making out till the sun went down.

Gojo Satoru:

It left you speechless when Gojo Satoru, the strongest sorcerer who could pull anyone he wanted, asked you to be his partner. Who would say no to Satoru, so you agreed despite the growing feeling inside you that you don't deserve him.

For the first couple of months everything went good, a lot of flirting, a lot of touching, but deep down you couldn't brush away the idea that he was dating you because of a bet, you were too insecure to believe that he actually had a real interest in you. You succeeded in hiding the dark thoughts that crept inside you, scared that sharing such stuff would make him see you as weak and non deserving of his time, so you kept it all to yourself.

But he proved you wrong when he confessed that his feelings towards you grew; he loves you, also you shared your first kiss together. He's a confident man, both in his looks and personality, and the fact that you're his partner boosted your confidence, making you try to put aside all of your past traumas.

Both of you were attending a very important party, so him being a good, rich boyfriend took you out to go shopping and spend his money on his one and only; you. You were too anxious to do so, cuz you knew he'll end up forcing you to try clothes on for him and make you swirl around. But you tried to stay calm and put on a smile on your face. He was extremely happy and hyped so you didn't want to ruin it for him.

“This is the one” he said his blue eyes glistening with excitement.

You would hesitantly grab the dress.

“Come on baby, try it on, let me see you”.

You rushed to the changing room mentally preparing yourself for any possible criticism. You tentatively walked out trying to adjust your dress, but no sight of Gojo. You frowned in confusion as you started looking for your boyfriend, only to find him talking to one of the boutique staff. Your eyes widened and you felt a sting in your chest. The fact that he didn't turn his infinity on and casually let her touch him made your self esteem drop instantly. Your mind became hazy with negative thoughts, making you doubt yourself and doubt his love for you. You felt completely overshadowed by her. She was so damn gorgeous and with Gojo being handsome, the thought of her being a better match for him took over your mind. It's like one of your nightmares came to life.

You cleared your throat, trying to get Gojo's attention, you were planning to tell him that you were tired and wanna go home, just so you can be alone with your thoughts. The moment Gojo looked at you, he quickly ran your way, completely ignoring the girl even though she was still talking.

“Damn you look hot, babes” he exclaimed scanning each inch of you.

You hummed looking everywhere but his eyes trying to avoid his gaze.

“I think this one suits you wel-..huh? baby?”

He was so quick to catch up with your mood swing. Immediately noticing the change in your energy and vibe.

“ just tired, can we go home?”

“Baby what's wrong you were all happy and excited, did I do anything wro-”

but he stopped mid way when he saw your hands restlessly adjusting the dress, and couldn't stop tugging on the cloth, clearly uncomfortable.

“I just wanna go home Satoru”,

you stuttered as you quickly rushed back to the changing room leaving him awkwardly standing there like a statue. You put your clothes on and left the shop, you could feel your panic attack building up and hell no you weren't ready to let anyone witness your break down in public, especially your boyfriend.

“WAIT BABE!”,

he quickly paid for the dress; he genuinely liked how it suited you, and he rushed outside catching up on you. He grabbed your arm and turned you around.

“Oh my..”,

he said when he noticed your glassy teary eyes. You sniffled and mumbled a little,“Im fine”

“No you're not! talk to me please.. you know you can trust me right?”

You swallowed hard, realizing maybe it's the time to let it out and make him face the real you, it was choking you so bad.

“I think we should break up Satoru” you started.

His heart started racing, his hands shaking.. “no..what did I do? I'll make it up for you I promi-”

“Its not your fault Satoru, it's mine. I'm not healed yet and I don't wanna burden you”

“heal from what? you're scaring me! tell me evey single thing, I wanna listen to you”,

he said seriously, taking your hands in his gently kissing it. You took a deep breath, he deserves an explanation.

“seeing you with that girl, it- it made me uncomfortable, you didn't even try to stop her when she touched you, I mean I know she's way prettier than me and you deserve someone who's on the same level as yo-..”

“Hey hey wait, where did all of this come from?” he would ask in utter shock. “First of all, she took me by surprise when she touched me, because I never activate my infinity when I'm around you or out on a date with date. Second of all, she's not prettier than you and no one is.”

You shook your head, refusing to buy into his words even though he was genuinely telling the truth. He would grab your face and force you to look up at him.

“Where did all of this come from?” he would ask again.

He finally succeeded in breaking through your exterior and learned about your past trauma and how you attempted multiple times to end it all. He would carefully listen to you speaking your heart out. His heart shattering into pieces, imagining how you dealt with that all alone and worse that's he's the one who stirred them back today.

“I understand if you don't wanna be with me anymore, I've always thought that you deserve much better than settling dor me”

He didn't say anything, instead his lips crushed on yours. Taking you by surprise. Pouring all of his love for you into that kiss, hia lips moving passionately and in sync with yours..

“My world is nothing without you, even in ultrnate universes I'll choose you over and over again”

He spent the rest of the day holding you close to his chest while cuddling in your shared bedroom. Literally doing everything to cheer you up again. Would constantly blame himself, apologizing on repeat

“I'm sorry, I wish I met you years ago, but I'm here now and I'll make sure you never feel that way ever again”

You'll end up comforting him instead, while he buries his face in the crook of your neck.

Toji Fushiguro:

Toji is an extremely handsome man with a ripped body, any human walking on this earth would be attracted to him from the first glimpse and that was the case for you. You tried to stop yourself from loving him, thinking that he wouldn't even notice your existence and might make fun of you for thinking that you stood a chance to be with him. But you were left dumbfounded when he confessed that he wants you. You couldn't help your feelings and felt weak in front of him so you accepted his feelings, and started dating. But doubt and self consciousness always had to kick in especially when both of you are in public and women can't keep their eyes off of him totally ignoring that you're standing next to him.

You stood there in the middle of the changing room tightly tugging on the dress that Toji picked out for you. You didn't feel yourself in it, it was too revealing for your liking. As if everything you were trying to hide for the past years is now exposed.

With caution you stepped out, you had to show Tojo after all. But to your surprise you found him talking with a girl, who had her hand on his chest, but he stepped back the moment she touched him; he's always been so loyal to you. But you couldn't help the heart break, and now memories from your past started overflowing your mind, making you feel so small in that dress, so ashamed for even trying it on. A lump formed in your throat, as you felt the room narrowing around you, leaving you completely suffocated.

When he caught you standing there while staring at him, he figured out that something was off. He always sensed your discomfort in public especially when someone tries to hit on him, he thought it was only jealousy where in fact it was way bigger and complicated than that, it was a past trauma that been haunting you. He walked towards you with a smile, circling his strong arms around your figure as he started praising you, trying to calm down what he thought ' jealousy '

“Damn you look stunning”.

But his words fell on a deaf ear, all what your mind thought about is how you used to isolate yourself and torture yourself with your negative self assumptions. He noticed how sadness was drawn on your face and how your hands couldn't stay still, continuously touching your body and dress.

“Are you okay? what's the matter?”

“Nah nothing Toji,”,you said voice cracking giving you out.

“Is it because of that girl? you know I've got eyes only on you right?”

“No it's not the case” you simply answered “Can we just go home now?”.

He nodded paid for the dress then both of you went home. You thought you'd isolate yourself in your room like what you used to do, break down in pieces alone while you feed on your dark thoughts for long hours. But this time Toji didn't allow it, your silence was hiding something knotted and he had to crack it. So he started bombarding you with questions,

“What's wrong?” “Come on tell me!”,

but the more you ignored his questions afraid of opening up the more you made him furious, and it quickly escalated into a heated argument. It's like rubbing salt on a freshly wound.

“why do you keep on fucking pushing me away? I'm so done with this kind of behavior”.

You couldn't take it anymore, so you blurted out all of your accumulated emotions, all the pain that had been smothering you for years.

“BECAUSE U DON'T DESERVE TO BE WITH YOU TOJI, I DON'T DESERVE ONE BIT OF YOUR LOVE.. look at you and look at me! you're just wasting your time with someone who is insecure and too broken to be fixed”.

He froze in place, it's like getting stabbed in the heart with the sharpest blade. It broke him to hear you confess this to him. He's always seen you as the most beautiful person that he ever laid eyes on, and was left stunned when he knew that you think the complete opposite of yourself.

“For how long have you been feeling this way?” he would ask taking a step closer to you, his strong features softening.

“Years..” .

“I just hope you can see yourself through my eyes..”,

without any further words, he would carry you to your bedroom, completely strip you of your clothes. You were too drained to stop him so you just let him do his thing. He climbed on top of you while taking off his clothes as well.

“My words might not convince you, but my actions will”.

He would make love to you for the whole night, making sure to kiss and caress all of your insecurities. Sensually whispering that's you're more than perfect for him,

“You're everything to me.. I live to worship your body..”

He would be so gentle making you feel good, making you feel loved and desired. Taking your mind off of your past issues. Proving to you that you are beautiful in your own way, boosting your self esteem.

“I love you, for you. Don't let these thoughts ruin us, I'll make sure to delete these insecurities forever.. you'll only be filled with me and my love for you”

.....

✨ 💌 I just wanted to say that it's okay to feel insecure or sad.. Feelings whether if they're positive or negative are what make us humans. But always remember that every person is beautiful in their own way.. you don't have to wait for anyone's approvement of you, be who you are, we only live once so let's make the best out of it, let's work on ourselves to satisfy ourselves and not others. You are perfect just because it is you!! You have your own sparks that no one else have, you're unique and special. Let's all of us do our best to be happy and to fully live our lives embracing the ups and downs. Wishing all of you a blessed life 💌✨

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rowrowronnie · 9 months

Text

it would be quite funny if the blu medic was also their collective therapist

#tf2 #fanart #art #doodle #tf2 fanart #team fortress 2 #tf2 scout #tf2 medic #tf2 spy #my thoughts #comic #he would get so tired of them all instantly but he also likes the bonus it gives him #so he deals #scout is his favorite to deal with because his adhd ass talks about anything and everything and it gives medic a break from #All the mental health issues he has to analyze #also it is My Headcanon and blu Scout and Medic are 4ever besties to me 🤞🤞‼️‼️#also apologies if there r too much doodle posting i Finally have a bit of freetime and wifi

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neurodiversebones · 10 months

Note

The ed headcanons were all really well thought-out. I definitely support that whole post, especially with Brennan needing control through food. Zack is one of my comfort characters and him having ARFID is pretty much canon, but I project on him too.

My hc's

Zack's autism plays into his ARFID a lot. Sometimes it is just too much when everything is overstimulating to have do deal with the texture, taste, smell, and unpredictability of food. When he's really going through a tough time, his amount of safe foods is pretty limited.

Zack never knows how to act in social situations around food. People's habits can disgust him and their food smells can limit his ability to deal with the whole eating process.

It can be easier to just not eat than have to deal with another sensory experience through eating. Zack doesn't really mean to restrict, but he does.

Once Hodgins figures out what's going on, he tries to make eating very low pressure for Zack and maybe watch a movie and have dinner so Zack is distracted and associates eating with relaxing.

YES !!! zack has a relatively "typical" list of arfid safe foods (prepackaged/easily prepared foods such as mac and cheese, nuggets, ramen, etc.) compared to brennan (whose list of safe foods are significantly more "atypical" in regards to arfid).

HODGINS AND ZACK MOVIE NIGHT WITH SAFE FOODS !!! comfy on the couch with blankets and snacks bc he knows it'll get zack to eat <3

#zack addy #mental health headcanons #ed headcanon

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faithfromanewperspective · 8 months

Text

very long comedown snippet

(this was almost 6K words but I finally got out what I was thinking about re the midnight heir, mental health headcanons, and a bit of carstairs generational trauma)

“I did all that?” James looked horrified. Matthew, who had heard the story before and had had his time being horrified before coming to terms with it, simply said, “I told you there is a reason why we are parabatai. Several, actually.” He tried to school his face into nonchalance, which was hard while he felt Jamie’s distress through the bond—but that was all the more why it was important not to let it get to him too.

“There’s more,” Magnus said, “but perhaps I should spare you that for a later time. James, I knew your father when he was your age. It really isn’t that strange—I thought you were him when I first saw you, having not seen him for twenty-five years, until I remembered that most people don’t stay unchanged for twenty-five years. I even had to remind your parents that you are your father’s son.” He frowned. “Shall I keep showing you more recommendations for you honeymoon? Or was this for your travel year, Matthew, I admire your insistence on taking the idea of a ‘travel year’ literally rather than staying in one Institute for the whole time.”

Matthew was about to reply and ask for more recommendations, even though Magnus had already told him about nearly everywhere in the world, when James said, “Stuff the honeymoon. Stuff holidays. I can’t believe no one told me this. What else am I capable of doing, without realising it? Who else do I need to apologise to? I’m meant to be keeping mundanes safe. Someone should have told me if I end up doing the opposite on a night out while heartbroken under a spell, and I would have realised then that I’d do best to never touch alcohol.”

Cordelia half-tumbled off the bed where she was sitting next to James and left the room. The door slammed behind her, reverberating in the silence, and Matthew didn’t have to look at James to know he was spiralling into now-look-what-you’ve-done territory. He felt it, he’d spent too much of his life there himself. Fighting to be calm but just glad Jamie was there, neither of them alone, Matthew put a hand on his shoulder.

Magnus looked at the two of them, now the only ones left in the room, thoughtfully. Her father, Matthew belatedly realised. Alastair would have been mad at James, cutting words masking his fear and hurt from the past. But Cordelia, as much as he tried not to think about her—he didn’t think she had been exposed to most of it. Maybe this was it. Another thing she didn’t know, that made it difficult to trust those around her. Even now, Matthew could feel whatever Cordelia felt a little too strongly.

“Before you go after her, James,” said Magnus, “before you start promising not to drink or shoot things or hurt anyone, you might like to hear something I inferred from a tiny detail in what you said. You said you were under a spell? I assume it was from Grace?”

Matthew felt James stiffen as if he had been shot or doused with cold water. Then there was a pause as he did whatever breathing exercises calmed him down, and said, barely more than a whisper, “How did you know?”

“I went to visit her later that night. I was in London because Tatiana had asked for me—I noticed her enchantment when I saw her. I offered to help her get away—which she said no to as did you—” Magnus sounded tired as he said that, and Matthew wondered what else had happened that night. Perhaps reuniting with old friends after decades was often emotionally exhausting, especially when you’re only doing so to return their son home. He was starting to realise how much cause Magnus had to believe that Shadowhunters mostly just wanted to hurt him and take advantage of his services.

“—anyway, the spell may have influenced how you behaved. It’s a far shot, but I would not worry so much about how you behaved until we rule that out. The James I’ve gotten to know over the past seven months is not who I first assumed you to be.”

But sometimes it does happen, sometimes someone does act in ways that are not like themselves, even without magic or alcohol or opium, they just get deranged for a few days or hours or even weeks and return to themselves after, a little bit sad and tired, assuming they haven’t gotten badly hurt or in too much trouble. Matthew had good cause to know that, though he didn’t want to think about it. Surely not. Surely it couldn’t be—

“As for Cordelia, I trust that you know what she needs, and that you will do what is responsible and kind to her. Your parents should have told you what I told them, but I can see why that would have been a difficult conversation to have. I should never have left London so abruptly.”

Matthew was sick of people berating themselves for things they didn’t need to. “Magnus, you need not take care of us Shadowhunters all the time. Angel knows that you do enough good. Perhaps I shall berate Will and Tessa for you, Jamie, I remember how worried I was when we lost you as well. Perhaps they will berate me for losing you. But you did more than you had to, Magnus, you did more than enough. And we shall inform Jamie of his outrageous adventures another time, and keep planning more outrageous adventures that each of us will have, but I fear that we may both need to accompany my parabatai to check on his wife, or everyone will be unhappy.”

Cordelia wasn’t downstairs, she wasn’t in her room either or in the library with her cello or the drawing room. James felt like he had that day he’d found her in Shepherd Market, the rage and terror that had gripped him and the thought that if only he’d done better by her, if only he’d found out about the curse sooner, he might not have hurt her so badly she felt like she—but she hadn’t, he reminded himself, she had just been reckless and heroic, like she always was. And this time, he knew through the fog and terror and self-directed rage, she was probably more worried about him than the other way around. It wasn’t a helpful thing to think about at all, but what if he did hurt her, truly hurt her, what if she feared who he could be now that she knew some things he’d done that he had only just become aware of? He would rather die than hurt Daisy. Maybe that was part of the problem, simply another side to the coin. He remembered a time at Anna’s, the jarring pain of landing under her window and not being able to take it, all that he’d done wrong without ever realising. When had James become so violent?

“Breathe, Jamie,” said Matthew, and maybe it was good that he hadn’t found her yet. That she didn’t have to witness whatever was happening with him now. “Daisy will be fine.” But Matthew hadn’t seen her, hadn’t seen how absent she had been lately and the feeling of everything catching up James knew all too well reflected in his wife. “Think, Jamie, you know where she would have gone. Magnus checked, she took the carriage, where do you think she went?”

Not the Institute, Lucie wasn’t at home today: she and Jesse were spending time with Grace (James wondered how that was going).

“She’s at her mother’s house,” he said. “I’m almost certain.”

“Shall we walk then?” Matthew asked. “Cool off and all?”

James wanted to see Cordelia desperately, but walking was probably a good idea. She had the carriage, she was safe, and now he had to make sure he was in a fit state to talk to her. Magnus had appeared next to Matthew—surely he wasn’t going to come along? “I think that might be for the best,” he said. “But I simply cannot stand the way I’m going to keep thinking about it, Magnus, if you would be able to tell the rest of the story I would greatly appreciate that.”

“In that case,” said Magnus as they headed for the door, “why don’t you start by telling me what you do know of that night. It is possible also, in discussing this that we may find out whether there is any implication of the spell in your behaviour.”

Sona had just gotten Zachary down for a nap when she saw her daughter’s carriage pull up to the front gate. When she stepped out—alone, without James, she looked as if she had been crying. Sona hurried to the front door before Alastair or Risa could get there first. She met Cordelia on the steps, who, once enveloped in her mother’s arms, started crying again.

“Layla? What is wrong?”

There was a pause for a while as Cordelia regained her composure. “Maman,” she said, “after you married Baba, you said there was some time before you realised the extent of his troubles. How did you realise it, that he was a hero but he was also—” she hiccupped and her eyes started filling with tears again.

That was an odd question to ask, Sona thought, but perhaps, though she was able to talk more freely about what had happened in their family now than in years past, there was more that she needed to go over with Cordelia.

“I used to find bottles hidden around the house, and he’d have these headaches often, especially when I was pregnant with Alastair and sick early on, and he wouldn’t always be able to take care of me like he always promised he would. Is there any reason you wanted to ask, Layla? Did you find out something?”

After a short silence, Sona asked, “Layla. Please tell me—you came here in your carriage, crying, on your own. Did something happen with James?”

Cordelia just stood there, blinking back tears. Sona missed when she was a child, who would come to her for things still, before she found out about Elias and spent most of her time with her friends and now husband. Sona had learned a lot about being a mother since then, and relished every opportunity to show Cordelia any kind of support she could offer.

“Come on, let’s go inside to your old room and Risa will get us some tea. I always wanted you to follow your heart, and I can tell how much you love him. Just come on upstairs, and we can figure out whatever it is. You can figure it out, I will be here to listen and make sure you know I support you in whatever you do.”

Ten minutes and a warm blanket and tea from Risa later, Cordelia had stopped crying and she was sitting on her old bed next to Sona.

“Maman,” she said, “don’t worry, James hasn’t been drinking, that’s not why I was asking about Baba. But he’s sad, he’s so sad, we all are after Christopher, and he’s troubled because of his heritage and his time at the Academy and everything with Belial last year and being parabatai with Matthew who is unhappy too. And today we were planning out a nice honeymoon with Magnus to advise us, and somehow we ended up hearing a story of one time James was drunk, over a year ago now, some things that he did and he doesn’t even remember and now he’s freaking out and I just had to leave. I don’t know how to be there for him—I can’t even look after myself. I don’t want to be on the run like you and Baba. I’m worried for James and I’m worried for myself too.”

“Oh Layla,” Sona said, rubbing her daughter’s back like she was a small child again. She was reminded, oddly, of the time she and Elias had to take the Herondale children in while Will and Tessa were attending a series of meetings in Idris—meetings that had something to do with the status and potential powers of their children, though none of the children knew their specific purpose and Sona thought it best to keep it that way. She remembered the energetic little thing that Lucie had been, finding an injured blackbird which she had rescued from a fox and insisted they nurse back to health. She remembered James, quiet as always, walking into their house with a tall stack of books and the look of someone who was carrying far too much for a child so young. The pain in Will and Tessa’s eyes as they told her he had not been treated well at the Academy and just needed space and love in equal measure, and some things she probably shouldn’t mention as they would be bad reminders. Remembered him getting the fever—Cordelia had been worried for him then, too. The way he had said his goodbyes shyly after he was feeling better, and how much more sure of himself he seemed as a charming young man, now her son-in-law, when they moved to London. Sona would always have a soft spot for that boy, even though she was loyal to Cordelia. And he was still only seventeen.

“James is only a child, Layla, and so are you. And it’s normal to grieve, after losing such a dear friend. Angel knows that I have, even though I had your father for twenty years. I know you have been grieving for him too, and now for Christopher also. You have done a very adult thing, getting married, but both of you are still children, who still need to be cared for and allowed to make mistakes. Your father was forty when I married him, and had been an adult and a hero for many years before I knew him. We all have our troubles, Layla, his were worse than most—and yet what made things most difficult was that he would refuse to confide in anyone, refuse to let anyone in, to ever tell of his pain as well as his heroism. His tales of the Basilas were the same, how heroically he had healed himself—and I believed it, for a while, until Alastair told me what he had asked of James the night that he died. I still love him, but my feelings are mixed. If you should ever need understanding in that, I am here.”

“Thank you, Maman,” said Cordelia, and they sat in silence until there was a knock at the door.

Magnus had to admit he was curious as to James’ recollection of that night, curious as he had been that night when he had forsaken warmth and relaxation to chase after the boy fourteen months prior. Not that he was counting—but the realisation of just how welcome he was with the London Shadowhunters, once the shock of seeing the state of Tatiana and Grace and even James had worn off, had warmed him in a way he didn’t know he needed. So much that he’d packed up his New York apartment, leased it out to a mundane who could keep secrets for an outrageously low price, and gone to seek the places with kind and beautiful people for a few months before winding up back in London. James seemed to feel more comfortable with his eyes on the path ahead as he talked. Shadowhunters could get emotional, Herondales more than most, and they rarely did well sitting still. Magnus found the way they burned bright to be something of a contagion, restoring his own zeal for life, and it was why he had invited Thomas Lightwood to the party he had been called away from on emergency during his brief stint in Spain a year ago.

James, it seemed, was belatedly realising that he hadn’t recognised Ragnor from the Academy, even though he couldn’t think of a logical explanation as to why. He led them expertly through the streets towards South Kensington, seeming to actually prefer to be doing two things at once. He didn’t remember anything after introducing himself to Magnus, until flashes of being carried home to the Institute. So the warming spell Magnus had used had made him sharper as well—it often had that effect.

“I just remember seeing my parents and feeling this resentful despair, a feeling I can’t quite draw up a clear memory of, but I know I felt it. I could feel them worrying for me, and I just wanted it to stop. And then I was being coaxed off the sofa because Bridget had drawn a warm bath, and all of my clothes were wet. I remember sitting in the bath, wishing I could fall asleep then and there. Then Uncle Jem gave me some medicine when I finally went to bed and I woke up in the afternoon, a little more able to face the day. I’m missing a lot, Magnus, what else did I do?”

So Magnus told the story, this time not leaving out the details he hadn’t given to Will and Tessa. He still remembered it clearly: it was an odd fever dream of a night, not the oddest experience he’d had but one of the more memorable, if bittersweet, ones during which he’d been completely sober. Matthew interjected with humour at some points, sometimes changing the topic with barely related little encouragements that were clearly very important to him. James always asked Magnus to continue his story after every interruption, though he was gradually growing paler than normal, his navigation growing more frantic. Finally, as they entered Hyde Park, Magnus got onto the conversation they had before he left.

“I just need to be alone for a bit,” James said, disappearing into the shrubbery.

“I know he doesn’t seem grateful,” said Matthew, “but he is. We are. Jamie always likes to know, and when he’s finished feeling things he’ll come up with some plan to figure out what was happening and when he has, that will be that.”

“I can look into the spell if you’d like,” Magnus said.

Matthew, uncharacteristically quiet, deposited two halves of a silver bracelet into Magnus’ hands. “Jem was asking Grace about this a while back,” he said, “and I grabbed these as we left Curzon Street. Just in case.” He smiled, a sad smile but more genuine than most Magnus had seen from Matthew, and said, “Thank you. Thank you for being there that night and saving my parabatai’s life. Thank you for being there for us even now. My father has talked highly of you for my whole life, and I have idolised your sense of fashion and adventure for years, and now you are here and I have experienced your kindness, it truly is extraordinary. I should like to be more like you as I travel the world and try daring fashions, but mostly care about those who might not be expecting it. It has been a pleasure to see you as always. Right now I have a parabatai to attend to, and then we will go and find Cordelia.”

“A Shadowhunter who will express admiration for a Downworlder is rare indeed,” Magnus said.

Matthew grinned. “I have been told I am something of an oddity. Stuffy lot, the rest of us.”

Magnus had to agree.

James did not know how long he’d been sitting here, his head laying on his arms, resting on his knees as he held his legs close to his body. He was glamoured, and so didn’t worry about concerned or judgemental mundanes. Daisy is fine, he told himself. Breathe, and you can make sure of that soon. Hyde Park surrounded him: he had known Magnus rescued him from the Serpentine that night—but it was frustrating. James always thought he couldn’t have better parents, but when they didn’t tell him important and difficult things, he wondered—mostly he wondered why. Surely they must have been worried. Surely it would be best to discuss things with him. But he remembered himself a year ago, remembered the feeling—though distant now—of being apart from Grace and the way it pained him, distracted him from anything else. He remembered how he was in winter, irritable because of the cold—even this year, with Daisy, how he had felt so much and there was little that could get him out of his own head. Last year he had tried drowning the pains he didn’t even understand with Matthew, struggling to get out of the house but feeling even more restricted inside. Last year there had been no Cordelia to ground him, not even Thomas, just Matthew taking him out to get drunk and Christopher exploding things and making him weapons that felt satisfying to break things with. It was after that night, wasn’t it, after Grace had written back the following day and he couldn’t take the worried looks his parents gave him that he spent days in the training room, leaving the Devil Tavern first to go to bed or read something at home but hardly talking to his parents when he got there. And spring had come, with longer, warmer days and less rain and snow so he could patrol on rooftops more comfortably again. Spring, like it was now, which meant summer wasn’t far off and he would see Grace. Somehow he’d survived until Cordelia came. Gotten used to the ache in his chest and found it within himself to be kind until it felt a little more manageable. But that had taken time. No, maybe he couldn’t blame his parents for not telling him about that night.

There was a rustle of leaves now and he could feel Matthew’s presence. He let himself feel the relief that came from having one’s parabatai nearby for a while, then lifted his head up and rested it on Matthew’s shoulder.

“Magnus is investigating the curse,” Matthew said. “He told me that given the nature of the bracelet it is likely that it was controlling your mind in some way, more than just your feelings about Grace—making you feel things that you otherwise wouldn’t, and stopping you from thinking about what you otherwise might. He says you likely have little to worry about, but he’d like to come back in a few days to examine if any residue of magic has been left on you, just in case.”

Matthew paused.

“But the things you did with whatever you were feeling were still you. They were likely what anyone would do in those circumstances—and I wanted to apologise, Jamie, for never seeing how odd it is. For trying to get you to have fun with me when it never really was fun for you.”

“It wasn’t fun for you either, Math,” James guessed. “We were both escaping things and you can’t blame yourself for me, nor for the fact we got split up. You gave Magnus the bracelet I assume? Very enterprising of you, though I shouldn’t be surprised.”

Matthew nodded, and out of the corner of his eye James saw him smile at the compliment. “I was going to ask you first, and then—“

“No, you made the right call. I think I need to ask Uncle Jem about this. And then my parents—I thought the confrontation with them was over, about what—what had been done to me, but it seems that worried parents are a constant fixture in my life, even if I don’t live with them.”

Matthew flinched very slightly at this, and James wondered if he had been insensitive. “Are you okay, Math?”

“I am as long as you’re okay. And I’m not sure if you are.”

A few months ago James might have just lied and said he was fine, shutting down conversation about feelings he didn’t understand and if he stopped to think about it, often felt judged and misunderstood for. Now everyone important to him know that he had been under a spell and—maybe even if they didn’t fully understand, they respected him enough to want to listen. They thought he was brave, and he was beginning to come to terms with what that might mean.

“Math,” he said. “It was winter. The Serpentine was frozen, a thin crust of ice I would have had to step through. If it had been anyone but Magnus I would have died of hypothermia.”

“I thought you didn’t care about that,” Matthew said, and the raw honestly in his voice broke James’ heart. “I thought, this is the gamble I made, being parabatai with the little brooding Herondale boy who avoided people at the Academy, at parties, who hated me at first because I was so charming—and yet was more stubborn and resilient than anyone I knew. Who was kind in a cruel world and grew up to be an incredible friend, stayed such a good person yet told me nothing of how you felt. I thought you understood me better than anyone but maybe you would never truly be ready for anyone to understand you and I should just be grateful for the good times which were more than I deserved anyway.”

James wrapped his arms around Matthew. “I’m sorry. I had no idea you thought that. I do understand how scary it must have been, because all this time I have been afraid of losing you. Carrying you home from various bars and clubs and having my parents worry about me being the one who was out late—I couldn’t tell them that I feared for you. Assignations with older men and women—and I know Downworlders aren’t dangerous, necessarily, but some of them are bitter, justifiably so, and might find it funny to hurt the Consul’s son. Feeling a shadow over you keeping you behind a wall from me, more and more until you were holding me up like you always did but I had no idea how to help you, or if one day it would become too much for you to bear.”

“I’m sorry,” Matthew said. He hardly ever apologised.

“I’m sorry too,” James said, “because you did deserve to have a parabatai who let you in. As much as I know it’s not my fault that I couldn’t, and it’s still hard even now—let me try to make it up to you.”

Matthew was silent, speechless for once, but James felt his parabatai’s—anger? Perhaps it was simply residual stress. Then he said, “You’ve told everyone now, haven’t you?”

James supposed he had. His friends, his parents had been the hardest, Uncle Gabriel and Aunt Cecily—that had gone better than he had thought—and now, almost without meaning to. Magnus. Who was doing now what probably should have been done all along, figuring out if there was any remnant of the spell on James and what had happened that night. “I guess—I have.” James thought he should feel lighter, and he did, in a way, but mostly he felt dread and shock about today’s revelation. He needed time to process it.

“Sometimes it happens,” Matthew said, and there was trepidation in his voice as if he was sharing something very personal or painful, “that people get this wild burst of energy and do things without thinking, without concern for their safety or anyone else’s. It lasts for maybe a few days or even weeks and is often followed by sadness and tiredness. It happens, people have written about it.”

James had heard about this. When Cordelia’s father had been in the Basilas he had read some cases of people who were there to make sure he could comfort her if she ever worried about her father. He had read about similar stories before, too, both Shadowhunters and mundanes in the years after the Academy: some who were terrifying in their madness, who hurt others without even realising what they were doing, and others who were excluded from society for being a little odd or sad. Some were blamed for things that they didn’t do simply because they were different, and, after realising at thirteen years old how cruel the world could be, James had found from these stories that he was not alone. With family and friends by his side James had slowly worked up the courage to start over. He had done so then, and he was doing it again now. But if he might sometimes hurt people, mundanes, without realising it—

Stop. Focus on the present.

“I think we have to wait for Magnus to find out more about the spell. Hopefully that made it worse than it would have otherwise been—I don’t see the need to assume that’s what happened to me.”

“Jamie,” Matthew said, “I’ve even asked Christopher about it. About when I burned down the academy and asked you to be parabatai. About the nights I spent at the Shadow Market all those years ago with no regard to my safety. When I bought that potion. I think that’s what might have been happening to me.”

“Oh Math. You’re—“ James was about to say you’re just energetic, running after excitement and being entertaining and dramatic is just a part of who you are, tell Matthew that he’d always looked out for James’ safety even when he himself didn’t—

But he thought about the Matthew who hid behind his charming smile and constant movement, the shadow that had hung over him for years, the sorrow in his heart he felt alongside his own. Soul-sickness, Matthew had called it.

“You know if that has happened to you it doesn’t change who you are one bit. You’re kind and generous and so brave and whatever you’ve done, any time you weren’t yourself, none of it changes who you are.”

“Believe that for yourself too, Jamie,” Matthew said, “no matter what happens with this, no matter the reasons why. I wasn’t even under a demonic spell and I—I almost killed Alastair. He remembers it.”

James did not remember it. “What? When?”

“I put some of his belongings in the south wing of the school when I mixed the explosives for Christopher to blow it up. And I told him about it—you were there Jamie—and he was very nearly going to fetch them when the whole thing blew up. And yet he still saved my life, over in Westminster Abbey when we were trying to get Cordelia to you.”

James had not realised this at the time. He must have been distracted, lost in his own head. How many things did he not remember? And yet he remembered the carriage ride home, Matthew asking him to be parabatai and the warmth that filled him and made him think that maybe he wouldn’t completely be alone, maybe someday things would be okay. He still kept the shirt wore that day, that day he realised that despite everything that had gone wrong Matthew had chosen him. He remembered running around with Matthew for hours after they had gotten home, stopping to spy on his father and Uncle Gabriel arguing about the stolen carriage and then running around more with Lucie, telling her the good news, Christopher arriving still crying about how he blew up the school, comforting him, telling him they were going to be parabatai and the way his face had lit up all of a sudden and he said “Thomas thought you would.”

He had not thought about how that day might have been for Alastair, having his things blown up and almost getting blown up himself too. On one hand James didn’t blame Matthew after what Alastair was like at the Academy, and on the other hand, Alastair had apologised to him that day. He still remembered that. And the thought of how hurt Cordelia would be at the prospect of her brother getting hurt—not to mention Matthew having this on his conscience—

“Thank the Angel he wasn’t in that building,” James said.

Matthew just nodded. “Thank the Angel Magnus was there to get you home safely.”

James wished that hearing about that night didn’t set him on edge as much as it did, horror at the thought of hurting mundanes and what if it happened again? How would he explain it to Cordelia? The knowledge that he had gone into the Shadow Realm then. It didn’t happen anymore, at least—but to have happened and him not remember it, right in the middle of what he had thought had been the longest he’d gone without it happening was jarring. During the years he’d spent under the bracelet’s spell, he might not have been so shaken by this, the thought of those mundanes and Downworlders who had done nothing wrong, and yet he’d treated them as if hurting them was some kind of twisted entertainment. James didn’t doubt the truth of what Magnus had told him. And yet—part of him wished he could simply assume it wasn’t true. The thought of having done all of these things and not even remembering them perhaps made it worse than if he did. He couldn’t justify it to himself, couldn’t justify it to anyone else. What had been going through his head at the time?

“Jamie, breathe,” Matthew said. “Remember what you told me after I told you of what I did. What would you say if it was me who had done those things? No one was seriously hurt—would you not simply be glad I made it home safely? You hold yourself to such high standards. Some things are not worth fussing over.”

Even after his confession. Matthew was still trying to comfort James. He was so lucky Matthew had chosen him to be parabatai. Focus on what you can do now. You can do good things, good for the mundanes and Downworlders, James told himself. He could do a lifetime of good: now, at almost eighteen, freed from the spell he had been under so he could feel love and compassion fully. But first.

“I think I’m ready to go find Cordelia.”

#james herondale #magnus bane #cordelia carstairs #matthew fairchild #the midnight heir #mental health headcanons #the last hours fanfic #nothing but shadows #because it kinda resolves some of that too

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