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writingwithcolor · 3 years

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Arab Character Joining Corrupt Superheroes, Police Parallels

Anonymous asked:

I’m writing a story with a Arabian diaspora main character. The story is about corrupt superheroes, and how they affect an oppressed superpowered minority. The main character is one of these superheroes, naively joining them in his teens believing he’s going to help people. Doesn’t help that his parents are having money trouble. Eventually he ends up fighting a superpowered crook, and gets a bystander killed.

1)I know portraying an Arabian character committing violence is a pretty touchy subject, even if accidental. Is there any way I can write this that makes it clear to the reader that the action itself is messed up without the unfortunate implication that Arabs are violent?

2)A large part of the story is the MC’s parents reaction. They are loving parents, however after this incident happens, they are confused and ashamed. While they still love him, they temporarily cut ties with him. Eventually they reconcile and start to be a family again. In my research (they are diaspora Saudi Arabians), Family is very important and tight-nit. Shame towards the family is to be avoided at all costs. However I’ve also read that disowning a family member rarely ever happens. Is there a way to write this kind of narrative with respect to this aspect of Arabian culture?

Let us begin with some terminology.

- If a person is from Saudi Arabia, they are Saudi Arabian, or more commonly, Saudi. This is their nationality.

- They may or may not be Arab. Arab is an ethnicity. Not all Saudis are Arab. Not all Arabs are Saudi.

- Arabic is a language. Lots of people across the world who are neither Saudi nor Arab speak Arabic.

- Arabian on its own is a word used to refer to a specific breed of horses.

If you are referring to humans, you want to either say "Saudi Arabian" (both words) or “Saudi” to indicate nationality, or "Arab" to indicate ethnicity. If you’re looking to describe your character’s culture, you probably want to call it Saudi culture. (While grammatically correct, talking about “Arab culture” doesn’t make much sense because Arabs are an incredibly diverse ethnic group and there is no such thing as a single monolithic Arab culture).

Now for the first question. In my mind, the issue is less about the character committing violence, and more about the premise of the story and how it mirrors real-life oppressive structures. You have an organized group of superheroes who think they are doing good by fighting “crooks” but in reality are enacting systemic oppression upon a marginalized group. This immediately brings to mind police violence, racial profiling, and the way that policing in North America is used as a tool of white supremacy while glorified in propaganda as a force for good. Essentially, you are telling a story about a character who joins an oppressive policing force, enacts violence upon a marginalized group as a result, and (I’m assuming) eventually realizes that they are not, in fact, the good guys. This is very close to being a “bigoted character learns not to be bigoted” story. I recommend re-examining your premise in light of the real-life parallels and asking yourself whether this is the story you want to tell.

The issue is compounded by the fact that your character is an Arab teen, who in real life is more likely to be the one facing racial profiling from the police. Taking this character and making him the oppressor in your story makes the already flawed premise even more problematic, especially if the characters in the oppressed group are white.

As for your second question, it seems believable to me that a teen’s parents might reject him if they learned that he committed a crime. However, when the family in question is Arab, you are suddenly feeding into harmful tropes about oppressive and violent Arab parents. You are asking if there is a way to write this respectfully. I believe that there is, but it requires a great deal of care, nuance, and cultural awareness. While it is possible to write a Saudi Arab character grappling with the consequences of violence and familial estrangement in a compelling way, the way your ask is phrased leads me to believe you are not equipped to do it justice.

- Mod Niki

Think about why Arab people committing violence is a touchy subject, and then think about the general propaganda narrative that came about from the act that made things so touchy.

It’s going to sound one hell of a lot like what you have here.

Military and police use buckets and buckets of propaganda to continue hooking in young, impressionable teens to commit state-sanctioned colonialism and oppression. That propaganda looks suspiciously like “we have health insurance, we will pay for your education, you just have to do what we tell you even if that means hurting or killing others, but it’s okay because you get to be the hero in the situation.”

Now, propaganda is a very powerful tool. I was taught, in my media classes, that controlling the message means shaping reality. The media is built as a propaganda machine, and when you start to see who owns what media properties you start to see some really disturbing patterns (Rubert Murdoch owns a lot of right-wing sources across America, the UK, and Australia, and he’s too rich to investigate his culpability in spinning terrible narratives found in right-wing publications. He owns the big names).

As Niki said, this situation mirrors police violence and police-sanctioned terrorism. And the very, very unfortunate implications of making the target of police violence be in that wheel. But I want you to look at the media situation that has made the plot happen.

Because even if you swapped out ethnicities, you’d still have a reckoning to do with the American culture that their primary social safety nets involve killing people.

I am not kidding.

Some of the most well-funded unions in the country are police unions. These people have pensions. They have health insurance. It’s damn near impossible to fire them. They get overtime very well mandated, and it’s a known thing among defence lawyers that arrests happen right before a cop’s shift will end so they get the overtime of filing the paperwork. They absolutely go into poor neighbourhoods and recruit based off people needing an escape, and them having the money to provide it.

A similar sentiment is true for the military, except they push for college education a bit more and don’t really have overtime, but they do have deployment bonuses. So the way to get extra pay for yourself is to go out and do colonialism outside the borders. The military doesn’t necessarily like it when the economy is doing well, and don’t like the idea of college being affordable, because they rely so heavily on poverty and fear of college debt to recruit.

The story you’re telling here goes so far beyond an individual’s actions and instead taps into America’s single biggest cultural investment: that oppressing others makes you a hero.

The Pentagon funds most military media out there as a propaganda tool, including most superhero movies and a large number of video games. This is in their budget. They will also go so far as to literally commission the games to exist. Part of getting that funding is you cannot critique America’s military, basically at all (the only exception I’ve seen is Ms Marvel, but that’s set in the 90s). This turns any sort of military-using media into a potential propaganda tool.

And the thing is? Even if you fall for that propaganda and were part of the military or the police, you still have to reckon with the fact you put whatever your own desires were above a huge track record of those groups being terrible. You still have to reckon with the fact you didn’t realize they were wrong, and were complicit in a lot of crimes.

This goes very far beyond “the action is terrible” and goes into “the system is rotten to its core, and you chose not to believe it, or to believe you could change what was built with blood.”

“Good” police officers get fired. If you try to question anything, if you try to say this action is wrong, you will absolutely get destroyed. Military’s much the same. You need some degree of buy-in to the concept of white supremacy to sign up for the military or the police, because you need to see their actions as not deal breakers instead of actions that violate multiple international laws.

In short: you need to see the people being oppressed as deserving of being oppressed to some degree in order to participate with police and the military.

Marginalized people can hold this belief, it happens. But that is a very sticky situation that outsiders shouldn’t touch.

It’s possible but difficult for you to write a white person having this sort of arc, but it would be extremely challenging to have it not come across as a white guilt story. To not have a socially aware audience roll their eyes at how long it took. You’d definitely not be writing a story with a diverse audience in mind, because you’d mostly appeal to those who saw the propaganda as just fine and not that bad.

This isn’t even getting into the oft-cited adage that boys who bully others become cops, while girls who bully become nurses. And the more police atrocities become mainstream news, the less and less people can convince themselves that becoming a police officer is a good thing.

Which brings me to the point of: how well-documented is this oppression? Is this character walking around in an oppressive situation like, say, pre-social-media where there was no direct access to the oppressed groups and you could close your eyes and look away even if it made national news? Or is this in a media connected world where these oppressed populations have a voice in the narrative?

The former has an angle of the character slowly realizing the horror and it’s slightly more forgivable for their early ignorance. But in any sort of world where there’s access to the people getting hurt? Things get more and more “ignorance is indistinguishable from maliciousness.” And keep in mind, these stories are read in the real world, where police brutality and war crimes go viral, and a lack of knowledge is getting harder and harder to defend as a position.

Media plays a huge role in shaping our perception of what’s happening. Cameras on a situation makes different activism tactics work, as we can see with how activism changed in the 60s and 70s as tv reached the masses. Social media has made it possible for you to look up firsthand accounts of discrimination within seconds.

This is a factor you are absolutely going to have to consider, when you want to look at how nice your hero is seen by marginalized or otherwise socially-aware people. If there is a way to find out how bad this superhero organization is before you sign a contract with them? Then that doesn’t look particularly good on the “hero”. You’d really have to establish them as super idealistic, super sheltered, super desperate, and/or just swallow the knowledge that they really don’t see anything that happens “over there to those people” as that bad.

All of the above is more than possible. And they’d still be seen as complicit no matter what justification you gave, because they are.

Does this mean all corrupt organization stories are off limits? No. The reason these stories have such deep cultural resonance right now is because of the propaganda I outlined above.

But you as the author are going to have to examine your own engagement with the propaganda narrative and do your own private reckoning so your own sense of guilt and compliance doesn’t bleed through the narrative too strongly, so you can tell a good story instead of an overt message story that’s you working out your own feelings.

By all means, write a story where police and the military are taken down, where propaganda is weaponized and the media is controlled (because that’s sure as hell the modern world).

But know that stories where the hero discovers the corruption already have a ticking clock because we, in the real world, are slowly being faced with a mountain of apathy instead of ignorance. The knowledge of oppression is out there so much that marginalized people are tired of the ignorance defence.

As the saying goes, “privilege is the ability to ignore the oppression of others.”

Propaganda, centralized media, and strategic cultural investment made it possible for police and the military to have a chokehold on their public perception. But that’s changing. The chokehold is starting to fade, people are starting to question their beliefs.

The past year has shown that knowledge isn’t the issue; it’s white supremacy. People don’t want to believe that any of this is that bad. People want to believe that oppression is justified, that if people just followed the law they’d be fine. They don’t want to question themselves. And marginalized people are tired of these narratives where, suddenly, people snap out of it. Because there was so much evidence to show it was bad, but it was only when you do one of the worst crimes imaginable that you realize this is bad? It’s only when it becomes personal that things are worth looking at critically?

No. And you need to examine where you are in processing your own complicity before writing a story where you’ve swapped around the ethnicities to try and distance yourself from the problem, where in the end you made the target the oppressor.

~Mod Lesya

#police brutality #oppression #arab #saudi arabia #military #superhero #superheroes #asks #violence #propaganda

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filczi · 3 years

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IT STARTED WITH A KISS HOW DID WE END UP LIKE THIS.

AN: Before we start. I just want to quickly mention that this is my first story since 2019. It’s not perfect in any way - grammatically and stylistically - English is not my first language. I truly attempted my best to make it look good for a “reader's” eye so many times I honestly can’t look at this story anymore. I’m a perfectionist who spends hours crying fat tears over this while trying to edit it.

PLEASE LIKE & ENJOY < 3 send me a lil message what you think about my first child of many.

WARNING: I never completely watched “Defending Jacob” | age-gap between characters, slight 18+ content.you read at your own risk. Both Jacob and the reader are adults in this story. 6,5k words.

Happy early valentines day since I'm v sick at home < 3

He has a wife.

Surprisingly, this is the first thought of realization that your brain decided to process from all the things happening around you. The second your feet cross over the threshold of the most intimate looking living room that you ever had the chance to be inside. It feels like a fresh whiff of air or a train coming your way with all force - knocking out of you any sense of brain maturity you previously held.

The moment your eyes settle on him. He’s there. The head of the house. Just like you heard Jacob calling him playfully while you spend late evenings together, drinking instead of studying for upcoming exams. Always managing to comfort one another by telling outrageous family stories which happened over the weekend you’d spend apart with your own families.

Standing all the way back in the kitchen area, cornered by some individuals in important attire, engrossed in a vivid conversation that required a lot of hand gesticulations and insulting words. Unfazed statue of an attractive man whose beauty cannot be surpassed by anything you’d seen in this world. Propped against the edge of the kitchen counter behind him, nursing a bottle of what seems to be a beer in one of his hands, while he calmly observes the scene in front of him with a stoic expression.

You blink a couple of times, just making sure of the conviction you made that this man looks like he rather belongs in a movie scene or on the cover of the magazine not in depressing Newton, Massachusetts.

“Honey, come here for a moment. Jacob bought a guest.”

A lovely, nice wife.

You subconsciously add when the mature woman moved into your point of view, effectively making you lose your train of thought, you can still hear your best friend’s moans after his mom's affectionate attention.

“I’m Laurie, sweetheart.” she quickly introduces herself before her hands develop you in a tight welcoming hug, nearly knocking the air out of your lungs.

Laurie is a beautiful neat-looking woman, whose eyes spark with uncontrollable joy that Jacob already told you so much about, including the ways he could always make her forgive him for everything he managed to break as a child - or not. She’s giving you the idea of a perfect mother example, that kind of woman you’d like to become one day when you think about your own family, the one who always held her head high, no matter the obstacle she’s about to face on her way. The one giving warmth and light towards the family fire. That gives the warmest hugs of them all and cheeks so bright and sparkling as if she smiles like this all day.

“Mum’s a huger,” Jacob shrugged his shoulders at the look you gave him when his mother disappeared the second after promising to fetch something delicious for you after the long journey you both went through.

“And that's your--” you quickly pointed your head into the exterior of the house, trying to discretely indicate the place Jacob’s father was occupying. Not refusing yourself to cast another glance at the visionary man whose identity was still somewhat unknown, or you just couldn’t bring yourself to believe it.

Please, don’t be his father...

“Head of the house,” Jacob jokes again, gently swaying on his feet visibly getting annoyed at something. He furrows his brows for a second before addressing you again “you know, lawyers never sleep, there’s always a cause worth fighting for.”

You nod your head in silent understanding, knowing how much Jacob went through when he was younger and how much his entire family paid for that.

“I’m going to be such a dick now, but I really have to pee,” Jacob complained under his breath before throwing a longing glance towards the stairs leading to the first floor of the house. You guessed that’s where the bathroom is. "mom will be back in a second and she’s going to show you the guest bedroom, just sit and ignore the legal gibberish coming from the kitchen.”

“But--” you instantly panicked. “please, don’t leave me here alone.”

“Relax, you’ll be fine here. He’s not going to eat you, he doesn’t even know someone else besides his friends is home that’s how into work he usually is.”

Sending you a reassuring look, your best friend quite literally rushed through the hall and up the stairs as if he was on fire.

It’s weird to finally be in the house you heard so much about from Jacob's stories. Where you can see everything by your own eyes, the place your best friend grew up in and had his first memories from - home.

“Girlfriend?” It seems like you can't breathe, as you hear a deep masculine voice at the side of your ear completely throwing you out of your thoughts,

“I’m sorry?”

“You’re my son’s girlfriend? It's your time to smile now, gently tipping your head back you let bubbles of amusement fill you,

“No, we’re friends. I thought Jacob told you, Mr. Barber that-”

“Andy.” the tall male corrected you instantly,

“I’m sorry?”

“It’s okay to call me Andy. I don’t care,” the broad man shrugged his shoulders at you.

You feel like your head is in the cloud and your ears are stuffed with cotton wool.

He has a wife,

“Alright.” You try to clear your throat before speaking again. “I thought Jacob told you-- his parents that he’s bringing a friend for a weekend.”

“Ah nice there, trying to avoid calling me by my name, I’ll give it to you.”

You didn’t even know you could flush crimson so easily, before you met Mr. Barber, or rather Andy no other men made you feel like this.

He was even more magnificent from up close as if it’s even achievable. Every detail of his face looked like it was fractured by God himself, who certainly put a lot of work into making such a masterpiece a living human being. Casting a shy glance at his pretty face, coated with a few days overgrowth beard that looked almost too scandalous to carry, to the way his broad shoulders moved with every breath he took, stretching the dress shirt he was currently wearing like painting on the canvas. Wide and big forearms looking like a superhuman in every definition of the word possible, to the way his hands spread, including the color of his creamy skin peeking out from the rolled-up sleeves of his white crispy shirt, and fingers...

God, his fingers.

Thick digits wrapped each by each around the same bottle of the beer you have seen him holding during the second you stepped your foot into his house. Ceremonially holding the neck of the bottle as if it's the prices thing in his possession right now.

“You know how boys are” the man in front of you shook his head before you realized.

“I’m so sorry I forgot to introduce myself, I’m Y/N”

The chuckle that seeped out of Andy’s chest could have you on your knees if he wasn’t your best friend’s father in any type. He shook his head at you, eyes squinting in hidden adoration as he took a step back before placing the already forgotten and empty bottle on some random shelf with pictures and materials on it.

“Alright little girl, have it your way then, I’m Andy Barber, so nice to meet the only female friend my son has,” there’s this certain nip in the tone of his voice that makes you believe you just discovered something new about your best friend’s father no-one else your age possibly had before.

You bit onto your tongue the second his hand developed around yours completely taking you off the guard, warmth scattered across your entire body, almost letting you let a mewl out of your own the second his skin tasted yours. Fingers wrapped across yours like it's a beautiful lover's symphony, and maybe you just imagined the way the surface of his fingers brushed delicately across the bone of your knuckles for a few times before he squeezed your hand again - successfully knocking the air out of your lungs this time.

He has a wife.

Your subconscious warns you urgently, striving to immediately destroy the idea of any incidents happening shortly before they even have the chance to push any roots into your brain, as you feel your head shutting out on you, you feel completely dumb the moment you finally got the chance to stand face to face with your best friend father.

He called me a little girl not even two seconds ago.

“I can show you the guest bedroom if you’d like to.”

You send a glance towards the expanse of the kitchen again, where a lot of mature men fought nevertheless with one another. It was hard to understand what everything was about as in the middle of common English terms law language appeared that you knew nothing about.

“Aren’t you working?” you asked sheepishly, nodding towards the group of a man with a lot of papers in their hands, “Jacob said you do that a lot--”

“So you talk about me with my son huh?” there’s that cheeky smile of his again.

“I-no.” you shake your head before squirming at the intensity of his gaze on you. “he was just talking about how hardworking you are Mr--Andy.”

Andy hums under his breath, giving you the idea that he’s definitely thinking about what you said before smiling under his breath for one insane second before coming back to being all serious again. He breaths out quietly, brushing the side of his beard with one of his hands before setting on a scowl on his beautiful features.

“I’m going to show you where you’ll be sleeping.”

“But Mr. Barber, you don’t have to I don’t want to cause any trouble, you’re working.”

“Y/N, stop being a brat and come with me I'm not taking no for an answer, Laurie is already picking groceries from the store to make you nice filling dinner before bed so c’mon.”

“I thought your wife was just---”

Andy snickered under his breath before giving you a hand ahead giving you a silent sign to walk up the stairs ahead of him.

He wanted you to lead?

“That’s how Laurie is, you can’t expect anything from this woman.”

Turns out the guest bedroom you were supposed to spend a few of the next weeks in was nowhere near ready for anyone’s arrival. It looked a little bit neglected but nothing you couldn’t cope with. You insisted Mr. Barber that you can change the sheets of the bed yourself, and try to tidy up a little here and there but the man of the house insisted on helping you with everything you could have encountered on your way.

Firstly, you never expected him to change the bed sheet for you since you were completely capable of doing it yourself, but you couldn’t complain since you got the chance to see the way his muscles work underneath the dress shirt he was probably wearing all day already that looked a little bit maintained. but you couldn’t complain about the view for sure.

“Why are you looking at me like this?” he asked you since the only noise of the room was the ruffled sheets in his hands,

“Well.” you swayed shamelessly at the tops of your heels, not understanding why but being alone with him made you drop your shyness, “It’s nice to see a man knowing his way with things.”

The silence in this room was almost unendurable.

Did I fuck up?

“I know my way with things, yes.” he nodded his head in confirmation to your words.

“I live alone with my dad and I just can’t bear to look how much he despises to do it.”

He narrows his eyes at you in silent question,

“Changing the sheets I mean,” you laugh wholeheartedly at him before continuing “since I can remember it was my mom’s duty.”

“So now, you’re expected to do it for the rest of your life?” he rose his sharp eyebrow at you.

“I mean yeah I guess, it's not that hard,”

“But if you had a boyfriend or husband you’d do it for just as your mom did it for your father?”

“I wouldn’t mind my future husband to do it from time to time,” you mumbled under your breath, not being sure why imagining a man kindly similar to the man in front of you.

Andy hummed in understanding before throwing you the already prepared pillows.

"When a man is capable of doing household chores, he is also fully capable of taking care of you in any situation you want him to," Andy stated before pushing the corners of the bed sheet into the rightful position on the mattress.

“Take it as advice from a married man,” he grants you with a quick wink before finally moving away from your temporary bed.

Secondly. You wouldn't expect the sheets to smell a little musky and rather too expensive to be a laundry detergent from the grocery store down the street.

The subtle yet overpowering scent that wasn't belonging to your best friend rooted into your brain but still, that didn't stop you from nuzzling into the comfortable fabric right after Mr. Andy left your bedroom a while later, before muttering:

“Dinner will be probably ready in two hours or so, take your time settling in. My bedroom is down the hall across the bathroom, Jacob’s room first door from the staircase, you got it sweetheart?” and when you let out an almost visible nod he left you with a little praise.

He called you a good girl.

It’s the delicious smell of food that manages to wake you up from your slumber. Abruptly pushing yourself up, making sure to correct the glasses that are falling from the bone of your nose to a straight position before glancing back at the screen and sighing in defeat at the lack of words you wrote for the past two days.

You thought about pushing some of your assignments and finishing them earlier before you and Jacob focus on the main paper that takes the most of the year credit. Your stomach grumbled, demanding to be properly fed, making you wince at the emptiness you felt before actually deciding on closing the barely started document - maybe, a good portion of food and an even better night of full sleep made everything better. You still had time to turn it up, you just had to make the best of it first,

Gently closing the lid of her laptop and throwing the device onto the plush covers of your temporary bed, that seemed to cry out for you whenever you looked back at it. Seeing all the velvet sheets and fuzzy pillows scattered across the mattress that smelled almost heavenly...

Stumbling through the threshold of the living room, as the delicious aroma of freshly prepared food completely overthrown your senses and stomach grumbled in need again as you see the prepared and decorated kitchen table,

You'd rarely used to eat properly since the day you moved out of your house. It’s a nice sight to see when there are no left-over packages of pizza or overused glasses of alcohol from when your dad used to have a little too much on Friday nights.

There are four pieces of dinnerware set on the table and you’re not even sure how Jacob's parents were in possession of such things since family dinner wasn’t a normal thing for them.

Scrunching your eyes at the scene in front of you as if the overly decorated table burned your eyes you stepped past it and towards the kitchen,

“Hope you don’t mind--” You hear the voice from the other side of the kitchen, looking into the direction from the voice of your roommate comes in you the half-part of your friend sticking out of the cabinet, still looking for something to prepare. “It’s spaghetti night.”

“Hmm, fancy.” you joke under your breath as Jacob's head extends from the hidden place to look at you. “where’s your mom I thought she was the head of kitchen space?” you responded before scooping some drained pasta from the bowl right beside the sink before the Chef noticed.

Eyes wondering over the prepared food as the dark-haired boy moved to season his special version of tomato sauce,

“Stop picking,” he grumbled before taking a ragged breath in, “they've had a fight again, and now dad left somewhere I don’t know if he’s going to attend dinner.”

“Oh I'm sorry, I thought your parents... you know... I love your mom. They look like a happy family.”

Jacob immediately snickered under his breath before pushing the wooden spoon mindlessly onto the counter. “Mom and dad are currently in separation, this whole family gathering was made for you so you’d think we’re a normal family.”

Your stomach churned uncomfortably, and this time you weren't sure if it’s because you’re still hungry.

“Jacob I’m so sorry--” you whispered quietly, thoughts neglecting you for your individual family issues or what was left from it, “If you want we can go back--fuck, I can drive back--”

Jacob's eyes narrowed curiously at something behind you before he shook his head and spoke again, “can you put it on the table?”

The intense clutter of feet makes your eyes twitch and you’re definitely trying to be on your best behavior and stay as quiet as it’s only possible as the loud ramble goes off in the corridor and right after the front door snap shut behind him and the voices go through every single corner of the spacious house, you know it’s already over for you. Because there he is - tall, with his figure a little bit more taken care of since the last time you’d seen him, looking a little bit more like a husband, with his hair styled in a way that suits him a little more than you’d expect as his head lacks those fuzzy curls you remembered so well from few houses before.

He definitely took a shower,

Pushing your bottom lip out quietly studying him from your place at the table,

With Jacob's mom immediately switching into the “host” mode, still trying to keep up the appearance of the perfect family, ushering Mr. Andy inside the living room, urging him to finally sit down at the table and devour delicious dinner.

He’s nice and polite, you note from the first minute of the genuine conversation with his wife? hold with him, as he seems to be listening to every word that leaves his lips and joking around with your best friend trying to ease on the nervous atmosphere because he knows it too - how tense the situation around the table changed.

Does he know that Jacob told you everything?

“Mr. Barber” you acknowledged him when he finally took the place at the table, with a big smile on his face he took the place to sit right beside you – what are the fucking odds. You thought to yourself. dressed up nice, in a stripe button-up shirt, with a few top buttons free, as you notice the black jeans that seem to fit his figure incredibly well - too well for your liking.

That little smirk at the corners of his mouth makes your eyes twitch with annoyance in such an easy way to make you annoyed already. His green eyes are observing you and he's fully taking his time to run his eyes all over the top of your figure, noticing a fitting white top, that suddenly felt too tight on you.

Throughout dinner, he never backed down his look towards you, and the worst part of it, you could feel the burden and heat of his eyes against the profile of your face during the entire feast, completely losing the rest of your appetite not even halfway through the dinner, and now aimlessly played up with your fork and the pasta rolled up onto the cutlery before pushing it back against the plate.

Perching your head up with the help of your hand you listened to the excited conversation that was held against the table, only to let it out the second after through the other ear.

Mr. Andy pushed his legs to the side of his chair, his front coming towards your side as his long forearms dropped over the side of your chair. You're not sure if he did it on purpose but from time to time you could feel the pads of his fingers brushing through the baby hairs on your neck, the locks you had formed every time you skipped a hair day and just decided to keep them up to stop bothering you as you took your nap. And every time the knuckle of his hand touched something of yours the sudden shiver rushed through your body making you squirm in your seat and ultimately lost the last attempts of gaining back the courage to finish dinner,

Then, there’s a sudden and completely unexpected question making you completely freeze in your spot. “So, how're the studies going Y/N?”

You're immediately thrown out of your thoughts at the sound of Mrs. Barber's voice, then the sudden silence appeared and you knew everyone was listening and looking at you right now. Cringing to yourself in your mind, you perched yourself more comfortably on your chair, keeping in mind to keep your back straight and not lean against the back of it.

“Pretty good” your voice came out more croaky as you'd want to, gently couching down the bile formed in your throat, you pushed your plate out of the way, to reach for the half-empty glass of red wine.

Before taking a small sip, “lot's of assignments” you shrugged your shoulders yearning for the red nectar. You'd hope it's gonna help you find the sleep you need and new power for the morning to start finished the pointless papers for your professor.

“Y/N has been working day and night on her term papers, she wants to be on top of her class grade.”

From the side of your eye, you could see a movement on your right side before Mr.Barber leaned a little bit forward in his seat as if trying to do it “unintentionally”

“So, you’re an ambitious girl huh?” The heat of his breath and the tone of his voice makes your posture stiffen like a new repaired spring, he murmured it in such a way as if he was talking to his lover right before going down to devour the last bits of her, his hand perched itself on the edge of your seat, gently gripping onto the white decorating pillows Mrs. Barber spends a fortune on because in her option they perfectly matched with the curtains in the living room, the heat of his hand that’s coming onto the side of your legs makes you instantly push it away in a jerking motion, away from the sudden and completely unexpected heat.

“You could say that” you whispered back to him, not even taking your mouth out of your wine glass, lips gently brushing over the bitter liquid when he openly laughed, his chest brushing against your sleeveless arm making you lean away from him but before that Andy innocently threw his arms across yours and shoved you against the heat of his chest trying to make it look as if both of you are just joking around like good old friends you’re definitely shouldn’t be.

He tuts under his breath, “I love to push your buttons, you're so easy to work up, It's almost funny.” before his fingers ghosted over the side of your collarbones as if he was taking in what's in front of him, taking his time to memorize every aspect of her with his eyes.

Biting your tongue to the point where it could bleed when Mrs. Barber looks at you with such a smile you’re not even sure what you’re supposed to do.

“What's wrong? You're not hungry?”

Oh, I am. But the dish I want was not offered in the menu.

“No, everything is fine I just have to use the bathroom really quick, if you excuse me.” You quickly stood up from your place,

“Remember that you’re cleaning after dinner,” Jacob called out after you before he proposed another glass of wine for his mother awaiting glass.

“Jacob! Y/N is our guest, don’t treat--”

“It’s completely fine Mrs.Barber, it’s a tradition of ours” you waved her hand in the air before letting him know that you still remember their deal before you muster one last glance towards the dark-haired man, who’s still looking at you with a slight grin on his gorgeous face.

Your fingers are tightly gripping onto the edges of white porcelain sink as the cold droplets of waters cover her skin in different directions you’re gazing at her reflection in the mirror, with a scowl because of how stupid you could he be to let him get under your skin already on the first night.

You hear the dinner is still lasting as its best as the sudden and happy cheers reflects through the exterior of the walls and you can’t help but feel your heart tings a little because you know how much you could give to spend time with your own father. You considered yourself a bad friend, Jacob was the opposite, the bubbly exterior of her friend sometimes coming off on her but she preferred a silent house, silent night in, with a bag of chips and glass of wine at her lap and maybe if the landlord of their apartment building would let them, she would have a cat by her side too.

The sudden knock at the wooden material of the door has your head spinning, you’re not sure if you want to talk with Jacob. You knew you promised to be on your best behavior but knowing that Andy is constantly playing with you just for his humor is making your blood boil – you’re letting him do this all because of how off guard he caught you.

“It's taken” you called out grumpily, pushing the material of the towel against your face to rains it from the water but the knocking didn't stop there.

“What the fuck?” you grumbled again, irritation coming out of you in waves, “do you seriously can't hold it for two more minutes?” you tugged at the door handle with such a force and swing the doors open only to see someone you least expected.

“Do you mind?” you asked sarcastically, noticing the hold he still had on the white exterior, his palm was big, she took notice about his fingers, wide and they probably hold a lot of power in them.

Not that you cared.

“Laurie told Jacob to check up on you since you're taking so long--” he aimlessly told her, standing in the exterior of the room completely blocking the lights from the corridor

“How nice of you,” you mustered with a sweet fake smile to form on your lips, noticing how much he hated when you did that, his jaw immediately ticked, with a vein coming out at the side of his throat and his teeth tensed together.

“Stop being such a brat.”

You shockingly rose your eyebrows at him. “Excuse me? Repeat that?” You dared.

Andy chuckled under his breath, fingers pushing against the door to open them even wider before he moved his feet a little forward coming into the room with you, his eyes narrowing and face coming dangerously close.

The dark dimension of his green eyes made your stomach churn with something you couldn’t even name. This guy was making you so confused.

“You heard me.” he grumbled, voice low and gratingly with something else, “you're acting like a fucking brat.” he spats out the last words as her back got shoved against the bathroom wall, right beside the towel cabinet.

Your mouth opened in shock.

“How dare you run your mouth on me,” you growled out, fingers coming to tip onto his chest, aimlessly pointing at the bare skin. “your wife and son are downstairs and you already have the audacity to---”

Andy shook his head, fingers shifting onto her forearms to turn her back flat against the wall before taking a step ahead, his chest completely flush against yours as your breathing quickened due to his proximity. “Shut up--” he ordered and to her surprise you instantly did.

He immediately picked her behavior up, “Hmm-” his nose skimmed the side of her jaw and she could swear her toes curled when his cologne overwhelmed her senses. “just as I've said. Good girl.”

You could swear to God, your heartbeat was about to rip out of your chest, and it was almost embarrassing. You were sure Andy could hear it beating due to how close she was.

Your mouth opened in a sudden urge to let out a puff of air when his tongue skimmed out of his lips to taste the sweetness of your skin. The gentleness and skill he operated with had your brain turning into mush,

“M' sorry.” he whispered into the hollow of your neck, taking a deep breath of you “couldn't help myself with you.” and then his tongue runs against the stripe of your throat towards your jaw, and you could swear that your legs are giving out under the weight of them.

“Oh my god--” you’re almost squealing to yourself when the rough palms of his hands push against her shoulder blades you’re able to feel every part of him on yourself, or maybe every part of you on him, it's like you got turned into one. The hotness that’s building inside and in every place his hands keep touching.

“Mr.Barber--- what are you--” and then you’re gasping, as his teeth grasp onto the edge of your lips pulling the flesh back only to completely get lost into the feeling of the plump sweetness of your taste. You let him in, eagerly waiting for his tongue to battle with yours in soft dominance, as his hands wander over her whole. They knead every flesh on his way, he's taking everything you have in offer for him. igniting inside of her the fire she never knew she possessed.

“It’s Andy, doll.”

Breathless – both of you – as he lets you take a time to breathe, fingers skimming along the side of your calloused cheekbones,pads of his fingers tracing the reddened skin of your lips and he can't help but smile when he observes your chest moving in need for air and eyes wild and ready for everything.

“Please.” neither of you were expecting the word to come out your mouth, it shocks you but it's there, let out into the silence of the bathroom. You don't want to take it but and you damn hope he won't turn away from you.

“What my doll wants, hmm?” Andy muttered under his nose, you had to take a second to rethink what he said was even real and it wasn't a figment of your imagination, “you want daddy to touch you? You’re going to be my good girl?” he cooed calmly, before letting his hands drop from your body, leaving you cold and needy.

What?

He's sending you one last look, his mouth quirks in humor when he notices how displeased and angry you can be in a second. Before he turns away from you and heads right towards the door.

You act before you think, and there’s something inside of you that is screaming at you by doing such a thing but your hands grip his massive arm in panic, tugging him back to face you again. His eyebrows rising in silent question before you take courage to mutter

“Please.” you’re whining like a lost puppy, gently carding his hand in yours and tugging him back to your previous position. As your eyes continue to shine with need.

Andy’s furrows his brows for a moment, head-turning, and if you didn't know him before that way, you’d say he looks like a damn cute, confused puppy. “You want daddy’s fingers?”

Biting the corner of your lips your not even sure if you’re able to say it out loud, You love how rough he looks now, giving you a different side of his physique you never gets a chance to see before. You’re wriggling under his stare, not feeling comfortable at all. The silver wedding band on his fingers is tempting you, you can’t help but imagine how would it feel inside of you, how the whole idea of getting a married man to touch you entice you.

A few hours ago you absolutely treated him like your best friend's father and now you’re willing to push even further? Were you ready to look at him from a different angle? Are you ready to risk years of friendship over a married man?

You swallowed quietly as Andy still looked at you expecting the answer, his knuckles gently grazing over the naked skin on her arm, turning it downwards to til he touched outside of her wrists making her brain turn into a mush.

“You know what---fuck you,” you grumbled annoyed, finally coming back into your senses but that's not what Andy was expecting. You hurried away from him, making sure to keep a distance in between both of you before looking him straight in the eyes, a silent challenge for him to take. “don't you ever touch me again,” you scowled before pushing a finger into his direction, trying to threaten him enough

He pushed the air out of his lungs painfully slow, too slow for her liking because you had a feeling something was building inside that he was about to let out on her. “You were doing so good--” he muttered to himself, shaking his head and turning his back to you and marching towards the door, and when you thought he's about to leave you observed the way his palm pushed against them making sure they're closed before his fingers cleverly turned the lock closed with a sudden click

Your stomach immediately churned in excitement you didn't even know you should feel the moment he leaned his broad shoulders against them. Crossing his large arms across his chest he spends a good second just observing you from when he stood.

“Acting like the brat you are,” he clicked his tongue at you, and arrogant behavior coming out immediately, he acted like a boy whenever he didn't get what he wanted, and you got the first example of it. “since the first minute you-” he shook his head as if his memories of their unsuccessful first meeting flowed his memory

“Maybe you should make up your fucking mind--” you then threw your hands up annoyingly, “calling me a good girl only to change it to brat the second later. Is that some kind of kink of yours?”

Andy chuckled under his breath, his eyes squinting in hidden adoration for you before his entire posture changed immediately.

“Better watch your fucking mouth,” he hissed at her, “because I'm sure you won't like the consequences.”

You narrow your eyes at him subconsciously screaming at yourself to bit onto your tongue before speaking but it’s too late, your change of posture challenges him, you see it in the way he curses under his breath before all you see is him charging upon you.

Fingers digging into your jeans, as you gasp in shock the second you feel your jeans loosening on your body, the stoic expression of the man in front of you is enough for you to fumble with your tongue, knowing in the back of your mind the apology words you know but it’s too late. Thick digit, you feel it coming down the front of your pants, marching through the material of your panties without not even a fumble, you feel his skin on your skin playing with your fold and you swear your knees are giving up on you the second he finds his right place in between your legs - you look down on him, mouth opened in shock by the sudden situation, his entire fist pulled down inside your pants making it as his job to destroy you.

“Oh my Go--” you squeal as a warm finger push into the right place between your folds, sliding in without harm as you close your eyes in embarrassment at how wet you are for him.

Andy’s breath palms upon your face, he’s thrusting his body onto yours gently muttering sweet sugar-coated praises toward you but all you can hear is the blood that finally reaches your ears.

“Please don’t make me come for the first time in your wife’s bathroom” you whine through the pleasure that’s completely taking over your senses. You’d still plead to him, hands grabbing onto the one that’s been working on your pussy with such a precision you feel like crumbling out into a creme in his home bathroom. While he supports his entire body weight on the tiles behind your curled up from bliss body.

Andy just chuckles into your hair, granting you with a quick kiss to your sweaty forehead before circling his finger harder onto your clit, just as a loud moan escapes your lips. Andy tugs his fingers out of your pussy, your entire body is tingling, stomach churned into much when he holds your entire weight before you can tumble to the ground.

And then within a blink of her eyes, he sends her one last look as if saying “it's not over” and turns around again catching a glance over the worked up muscles on his back moving with every step of his silhouette when he yanks the door open and marches down the corridor as if nothing had happened.

It takes you some time to understand what's happening, as the place falls into complete tranquility but the sparkles in the air, are telling you that nothing you’d seen and heard tonight was imagined – even when you really want to believe it.

Hearing the pad of his heavy feet stops against the wooden floor before his voice tells and assure your best friend and his wife that everything is alright with you.

But was it? Now when you think about it, that you have to spend the rest of the weekend break with the guy who’s your best friend's father who just fingered you for a few minutes with you in his own bathroom.

And it was only beginning.

The wrong never felt so right.

an2: send me a lil’ message what u think of this < 3

Jacob, after finding out his best friend is fucking his father:

#chris evans #chris evans smut #chris evans one shot #chris evans x reader #chris evans fanfiction #andy barber smut #andy barber one shot #andy barber x reader #andy barber imagine #andy barber #steve rogers smut #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers one shot #filczi #it started with a kiss series #henry cavill one shot #henry cavill smut

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themonkeycabal · 2 years

Note

Question that has nothing to do with the Run ‘Verse and more just getting into the writing & editing side of ao3.

I have a way crazy ton of time on my hands and I need something to get into, and I have unintentionally found that I like to do editing for my own personal reading of fics here and there. (For the record, I’ve never touched one of yours cause they’re hella perfect, you magnificent creature! ☺️♥️) I’ll copy and paste a fic (including the link and author’s name and all that, and I’d never dream of reposting my edited stuff, it’s mostly so it makes more sense in my head or if there are noticeable grammatical errors.) to my notes app, read through, and if it’s something I’d like to read again but had some little errors, I’ll go through and fix them and then go in for my re-read. (Autism plus disability! So many re-reads! I get hyper focused on something and can’t stop.) But I’ve found that I actually really enjoy the editing, and if possible, I’d like to dip my toe in the water a bit and try doing beta for a few fics for someone and see how it goes. (Tbh, not you cause I’m too in love with your stories and I can’t do that to myself or you, and you might even be your own beta, so idk! 🤷🏼‍♀️ My Question, is how does one get in on that side of the ao3 world?

Fun little side note: I’m debating about starting myself a second tumblr page just for sharing the bits that I have written that are basically about learning to navigate live with weird pains that have more explanations than I previously realized. Will share a title with you in chat if I decide to do it…

Aaaaalso, is this (and the rest where there’s more eyebrow and lip something) the kryptonite of which Darcy thought during the road trip (Ain’t Gonna Drown, near end of chapter 13)? Cause that’s what I pictured.

LOVE YOU AND HOPE YOU’RE WELL!!

Hi! It's always so great to hear from you. I'm so sorry I'm late to reply, I'm still sick -- turns out the real covid was the colds we thought we had along the way. I'm doing better, so no worries.

Anyway ...

I think that's a great idea! And, lol, it's okay if you do that to mine, too. I do it all the time and sometimes go back in and edit things that have bugged me.

I'm going to open this up to ask for help from other people who might know the ins and outs, because I'm actually not sure the best way to go about becoming a beta reader. I've only ever done it a tiny bit and not at all recently.

You might want to check out some fic writing communities like r/FanFiction. I feel like there has to be a place where beta readers offer their services, I'm just not sure where that is. You know, you could maybe also branch out into other writing communities, too, for copy editing and people writing original stories. My friend was a script reader for a writing contest for a while, and she got the job by literally just answering an ad.

Also, I think starting a side blog about your experiences is a wonderful idea. Both for yourself and for others. I think that would be a tremendous thing to offer.

And finally! How could that not be kryptonite? Lol. Exactly. Smug. He knows what he's doing. Evil handsome jerk. lol

Love you, too!

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starryevermore · 3 years

Text

A Gift For a Gift

I’m sorry this is so long and if you see any grammatical errors, no you don’t <3 lol anyway I just wanted to write something for you since you write so much for us! Thanks so much Kayla, we love you! (I also cannot for the life of me figure out the read more thing, so I am sorry again lol) (Kayla here! I added a read more for you 🥰)

Colby fucking hated Valentine’s Day. For most of his teenage life, if he saw those stupid hearts and those goddamn teddy bears, he was instantly in a worse mood. Most years, it made sense why he hated the holiday. He’d been single a long time, and even when he had a girlfriend, he hadn’t had the money to give his girl a proper date. He always tried, but it never seemed good enough. His mind would always go back to one year in particular where he’d tried to set up a picnic for a girl in the living room of his house. He was 15 so he had no car or money, and it was Kansas, so there was a foot of snow on the ground anyway. He’d gone all out. He asked his mom to bring home some balloons and flowers and all that gross shit just so the aesthetic was perfect. He then tried to actually cook food. Himself. At fifteen years old. For the first time. When he tells this story and says Mama Brock came running with the fire extinguisher, he’s not kidding. His mom made the meal.

At the cost of his whole day (and nearly his home), his girlfriend came over and laughed. Not in a cute way or in disbelief, but laughed in his face over his efforts. She picked apart every inch of the room he had decorated and told him it was ugly. Apparently he had used the wrong shade of red? He hadn’t realized that it mattered, but “barnyard red” was not right. She said the balloons were tacky and the flowers were meaningless because they weren’t roses. She refused to eat the meal because it was cold (since she’d shown up an hour late), and then broke up with him on the spot.

So yeah. Colby fucking hated Valentine’s Day most of the time. This year was different, though. He had met the love of his life. He was convinced you were the one he was supposed to be with all this time. He’d waited and it was worth it. And you loved Valentine’s Day. The pinks and reds made you happier than anything else. He’d never seen someone get so giddy over seeing a pink bear with a heart on it’s foot until he’d met her. Every trip to Target was punctuated with a visit to the dreaded candy section. But he saw you smile at every silly pun on the backs of the card boxes. You laughed at the ridiculous couples games. You hugged at least one bear every time and forced it to hug him too. You were happy. This time of year and celebration made you happy. And damn it that was enough to put aside his petty hatred for this capitalist cash-grab of a holiday and come up with the most kickass Valentine’s Day date he ever could.

He hadn’t realized how hard that would be. He was a hopeless romantic, but he was also hopelessly self-destructive. He would come up with an idea and every scenario started beautifully in his imagination, but every time each scenario ended with something awful. He thought you two could go to the beach, but then he imagined you falling into the water and getting salt in your eyes. Maybe you two could go to the movies, but then you could get stuck in front of two teenagers who weren’t aware that just because a room is dark, the sounds they were making weren’t audible.

This cycle went on for a long time. It took so long, he actually forgot what day it was. He’d begun planning the second February hit. He checked the calendar and realized he only had a week until The Day. Fuck. Had it really been a week? He felt like his head was swimming. His final brain cell was short circuiting and his head literally had no thoughts left in it, only fuzz. His head hadn’t felt this empty while still spinning since he’d learned about imaginary numbers in Algebra II. And he’d never actually learned imaginary numbers. Sam took that test for him. Suddenly, he had one thought.

“I gotta ask Sam.”

Sam Golbach, per usual, had about a million suggestions. Colby reasoned that since he’d had more experience having an actual girlfriend on The Day, Sam should have more ideas than himself. The only issue is that the brain cell Colby had frazzled trying to come up with a date was usually shared between him and Sam, so Sam had all of the same ideas Colby did. He suggested the beach and the movie and the dinner and blah blah blah, so Colby was literally at square one. Sam was supposed to fix all of these issues. He had the brain and the longer relationship, so what the fuck? Why had he picked this time to not have any original idea?

“Colby.” Sam shook Colby’s arm.

“Jesus dude, you scared me. What?”

“You’ve been staring at the carpet for like 30 seconds. I know what it looks like when you’re mentally drifting. That’s the only kind you can do, if our video had anything to prove.” Sam smirked, knowing full well that Colby had taken second place in that challenge.

“Shut up, dude. You had more time driving manual. I just learned there.” Colby knew his defense was weak, but it was a defense nonetheless.

“And you did well.”

“Don’t patronize me. I killed that car like twelve times. It feels like I’m going to end up doing the same with this relationship.” Colby sighed and rubbed his face. He held his hands there, flush against his cheeks. He could feel himself heating up and the cool metal of his rings, one of which you gave him, always helped keep him grounded. Sam grabbed his shoulder and shook him again.

“Would you shut the fuck up?”

Colby removed his hands from his face, side-eyeing Sam, surprised “What the hell, Sam?”

“Someone needed to say it. You’re talking yourself down again. Yeah, you killed the car. But you learned. You’ll do the same thing here. If you mess up, who cares? You tried! You need to realize that perfection isn’t attainable, so stop trying to attain it. You don’t have anything to be afraid of. Anything you do will make her happy. Because it’s you. She loves you. Any situation or plan can go wrong. We of all people should fucking know that. But don’t let fear stop you. You never have before. So what is your problem?” Sam asked, softening the harshness of some of his words by rubbing comforting circles into Colby’s shoulder.

Sam knew Colby. He knew Colby was afraid. He’d been hurt so many times, and sadly many of those times, the hurt was self-inflicted. Colby held himself to an insane standard that he’d never expect anyone else to live up to, but this was Colby and Colby deserved harsh critique apparently. He refused to let his friend scare himself into doing nothing and then letting that nothing ruin what he had going. (Y/N) and Colby were made for each other. Anything Colby did made your heart swell and just knowing he put in effort would be more than enough. But Colby didn’t know that, or rather, refused to acknowledge that. Sam was getting tired of it.

“You know her. Just do something she’ll like. Not whatever anyone tells you you should do. She loves you” Sam said, squeezing Colby’s shoulder one more time before dropping his hand to the arm of the chair. Colby smiled and looked at him.

“Thanks Sam. You’re right, once again. I don’t know how you always know what to say. I love you, dude.”

“Hold up, I’m not your valentine. I said she loved you, not me. Save all that mushy shit for her. You’re wasting your soft energy.” Sam laughed, standing to leave.

“Oh shit, you’re right. Us emo boys can only express positive emotions twice a week and I’ve wasted once on you. How could I be so dumb?” Colby shot sardonically back, returning to his computer to look up restaurants.

Sam laughed again and walked to the door. He went through and closed it behind him, but Colby knew he was still on the other side, hand on the handle. Colby turned just as Sam quickly stuck his back into the room, quickly whispering “I love you too” before slamming the door again and audibly running down the hall to his room. Colby laughed out loud that time. His friend was an idiot, but they’d be so lost without each other.

Time to plan the date Colby knew you would like, not the date that was in the movies. He still hated Valentine’s Day.

——————————————————————————————————————————-

Well everything was going to shit, just as Colby had feared. He had been so proud of himself. He thought of an amazing night. First, you two were going to go to your favorite restaurant and have the meal you’d been saying you craved for two weeks. He’d even called the place ahead of time, asking if they could play your song at a certain time, since they had a live band. He may have had to use some of that influencer clout to get that request, but it was okay. Did he feel like an absolute rat that just ran through the New York City sewer system for doing it? Absolutely. Would he ever do it again? If you asked him to, probably. But not for a long time.

However, what had failed to happen was a valid reservation. It was Valentine’s Day in Los Angeles, after all. There would be no place in the whole city that wasn’t booked to full capacity. Colby knew that. That’s why he made the reservation directly after his talk with Sam. A week ago. The restaurant accidentally double booked your table. And the other couple had come before you two. Directly before you. As in they were the ones in front of you in line.

“Well, is there anything we can do?” Colby asked

“Not really, the whole place is booked all night. I’m so sorry. You’ll get a full refund?” The hostess looked down and cringed, seemingly preparing for the Karen reaction. You and Colby just looked at each other and looked back at her apologetically. It must be hell to work here on The Day and deal with all of these rich assholes with an elitist complex. Which is exactly what you said to her. She just laughed lightly and brushed it off, but you and Colby saw the look of acknowledgement in her eyes. You both said your thank yous and goodbye while walking towards the main sidewalk where you’d parked. That had gone right, at least. You both were ecstatic that you’d actually found reasonable, legal parking close to the restaurant in downtown LA. That was a feat.

Or at least, Colby thought the spot was legal. The ticket on his windshield begged to differ.

“What the hell? We were gone for like ten minutes!” Colby exclaimed, annoyed but impressed at the dedication of the PEO in the area.

You laughed heartily. Colby’s little cloud of poor luck seemingly didn’t take a holiday. Just one of the nuances you loved about him. You’d always have a story. You could see the doubt creeping into his face and you were about to reprimand it, but you faintly heard your favorite song playing in the distance. The band inside had taste! You gasped and smacked his arm, flapping your other hand excitedly.

“Listen!” You said, pulling him back from the car and taking his hands.

Colby looked down and checked his watch.

“7:45. That’s right.” He flicked his eyes up to your face, coughing awkwardly as he rubbed his neck.

“You planned that?” You smiled, taking his hand back again and pulling him a little closer.

“Yeah… I tried anyway. I planned to be able to hear it a little better, but this is a lesson in using Instagram followers for special treatment I guess.”

You laughed again and wrapped your arms around his waist, pulling him close to you.

“Well, don’t ever do that again obviously, but let’s dance like we did that one time the bouncer wasn’t convinced we were old enough to get into the club.” He giggled at that, remembering the look of bewilderment you two shared when Sam and Kat walked in with no issue. Of course you’d both forgotten your IDs that night. You decided to dance right outside anyway.

“Okay, but aren’t I supposed to be the one taking the lead?”

“Fuck gender roles.” You smiled, pulling him even closer and tucking your head beneath his chin, swaying him to the song playing from inside. He laughed again and let you move him around. He wasn’t good at dancing on his own anyway, so maybe you leading was the better decision. He was just letting things happen, slowly allowing himself to just let go and enjoy dancing with you. He felt silly and like he’d failed already, but he was keeping it together. There was still more planned. Where he couldn’t keep his poker face was when you -attempted- to spin him but actually just smacked his face with his own arm. You both giggled lightly and you decided to seal the deal with a sorry attempt at a dip. You forgot that he was taller than you, so gravity decided to join the forces against you two that night. Thankfully you were both near the car still, because Colby was able to keep both of you from the pavement by hitting his back against the door and grabbing onto the handle. You both were laughing hysterically at this point, unable to really form coherent sentences.

“Just get in the car,” You got out eventually, wiping the tears from your eyes. “And never tell anyone.”

“I don’t plan on it.” Colby said, opening the door for you.

“This is one of the chivalrous acts that I will accept, so don’t ever stop doing that.” You joked, kissing his cheek lightly as you got in.

“Note taken.” Colby laughed, closing the door behind you.

“So Romeo, now that the masquerade is bust, where are we headed?” You asked once he got in and started driving.

“I know that was supposed to be a reference, but I haven’t thought about that play since I was twelve,” he chuckled, shaking his head. “Anyway, we’re going somewhere I think of when I think of you.”

You smiled softly at him with that. This boy was a big ol’ softie and he really pretends he’s not. You never bought it. He was incredibly sentimental and sweet, so you knew that wherever you all were going was going to mean a lot to him. Therefore, it would mean a lot to you too.

You were driving for a long time. You were no longer anywhere close to downtown and you couldn’t help but ask a million questions. Where are we going? Are we there yet? Why are we going here? Where are we going?

“You’ve already asked that.” Colby smiled, endeared by your only-child behavior but slightly annoyed nonetheless.

“You got me there, Brock. But where are we going?” Colby groaned, leaning forward into the wheel. He reached to his phone and handed it to you with the Aux cord.

“Please, pick something and stop asking!”

You smirked and went to his music. Usually, you would go straight to the songs you wanted, but you were being nosy. You decided to go to his playlists and see what he had saved. You were scrolling past the expected “editing” list or the “late night” playlists, but stopped when you saw it. The most recently added list was one simply titled, “Her” with a small heart next to it, the black one of course. You cocked your eyebrow and clicked it. You started looking through the songs and saw all of the songs you’ve recommended to him over your relationship, along with some outliers. You glanced over at him, seeing if he was paying attention.

He wasn’t. His brain was going at a million miles an hour. He felt like a comeplete fuck up. How was he the one table that was double booked? How had they managed to hit intense traffic at eight and made this drive take half an hour? How were you not bored out of your mind? There’s no way you were having any fun. He continued to stew in these intense thoughts when he’s snapped back to reality by the opening chords of Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol.

Shit. She found it. He thought. He risked a glance at you, blushing bright red. Please don’t…

You were smiling widely at him. “You have a playlist for me?”

“Oh god.”

The rest of the drive flew by, you two screaming lyrics at the top of your lungs once Colby’s embarrassment faded. It reminded you of the first time you had hung out, just you two. You’d discovered a mutual love for early 2000’s emo music, so you two screamed your voices away to the sweet dynamics of My Chemical Romance and Fall Out Boy until two that morning. You smiled quietly, remembering the fun of that day. You knew this was one special dumbass that day, especially after figuring out he had misheard “down in an earlier round” from Sugar, We’re Going Down as “down on a merry-go-round” for literal years. You had scream-laughed at that and corrected him, laughing even harder as the realization spread across his face.

“Holy shit.” He’d whispered. “It’s been years…”

“Hey, we’re here.” Colby startled you out of your daydream. You smiled at him as he climbed out of the car and sprinted to open your door. You laughed, remembering your comments at the restaurant. He opened the door and let you out, beginning the walk towards the location. You recognized this location. It was the neighborhood of the chandelier tree from one of his earliest vlogs. You had seen it and begged for him to take you there. It seemed so cute. You smiled widely at him, placing your hand in his. You swung his hand lightly as you walked, knowing it drove him crazy.

“Would you stop that?” he playfully asked, feigning annoyance. You responded by swinging his arm as far back as you could, saying,

“Careful Brock. Watch the tone or I’ll try and dip you again.”

“I thought we weren’t supposed to talk about that?” He asked cheekily, taking the piss.

You laughed again and smacked his arm as you turned the corner to the tree. Or the location of the tree, as there were no chandeliers.

“What?” Colby asked, mostly to himself. You both looked at each other, confused. You got closer, deciding to let go of each other’s hands as Colby went ahead, trying to see if it was just around another corner or if he was on the wrong block. You pulled out your phone and asked Google.

“Oh, baby. They took this down last month!” You frowned, calling out to him.

“Seriously?” Colby asked, clearly disappointed. Another fuck up. He hadn’t even thought to look up if it was still here or not “Shit.”

You could see the wheels in his head turning, trying to figure out what to say. You were about to reassure him when he lights up, turning to you and exclaiming,

“The park! That pretty lookout Sam and I used to go to all the time! It’s like ten minutes from here, we could go there. I’m sure it’s awesome right now.”

You smiled and were nodding in agreement when a loud bang made the two of you jump ten feet. You looked quizzically at each other when your mutual question was answered by a sudden downpour of rain and flash of lightning. A thunderstorm, of fucking course. Colby removed his jacket, holding it above your head as you both made a break for the car.

After your dead sprint, you both sat in your seat, heaving breaths and looking out in pure wonder. You looked over to Colby, ready to laugh at the absurdity of the whole night when you saw him slumped forward on the wheel, refusing to look at you, shoulders shaking slightly.

“Colby, baby, are you okay?” you asked lightly, grabbing his arm. He turned even farther away, opting to lean his head against his window to cool his heating face. He refused to let you see the single tear that was leaving his eye.

“I’m sorry.” was all he muttered.

You were shocked. “Baby, you don’t control the weather. If you did, I’d be pissed you haven’t fixed global warming yet.” You attempted to joke. He didn’t laugh.

“I failed again. I just wanted to make something special for you. I know you love Valentine’s Day and it means a lot to you. I hate this fucking holiday but I wanted to make you happy. But I fucked it up. Just like I do everything. I mean, it’s raining! In L.A.! What the fuck! There’s nowhere open that’s not booked and it’s already nine and I haven’t even gotten you food and you probably have never had a worse valentine’s-” he tried to rant, but you covered his mouth with your hand. His eyes darted to you, surprised.

You were beyond hurt. You couldn’t believe he didn’t see how much fun you were having or how much pressure he’d put on himself to make everything perfect. You should’ve guessed as much. You reached your other hand around the back of his neck, moving the one from his mouth to his cheek, kissing him.

“Would you shut the fuck up?” you said, pulling back. He barked a short laugh out, surprised.

“You know, you’re not the first one to tell me that about this whole thing.”

“You talked to Sam about this date?”

“How’d you know?” He looked at you again, fully flabbergasted. You laughed.

“Do you talk to anyone else about stuff important to you?” He shrugged, clearly thinking it through.

“Other than you, no, not really.”

“Anyway, he’s right. I don’t care that stuff didn’t work out. You put more thought into this night than anyone else has ever put into any date I’ve ever been on. You poured your heart into it. You thought every little thing through. You tried. And even when things didn’t work out, we had fun. We reminisced on our relationship so far. We danced, screamed songs, and ran through the rain. You tried to give me a super involved date. You gave me a damn movie instead.”

Colby scoffed at the irony in that. He did exactly what he was trying not to do. Fairly typical. You swiped your thumb across his cheek, getting his attention again.

“You’re drifting, stay with me.” Colby laughed and rolled his eyes. You stilled your thumb, confused.

“You and Sam are literally on the same wavelength.”

“Or we are the ones who know you best. I think I’ve got him beat on the loving you, though,” you paused. “Maybe.”

You both chuckled again.

“But seriously, Colbs, if you’re here, I’m happy. You make anything fun. That’s why I’m in love with you. I know you think about everything and try your fucking hardest. You are the sweetest man I know. That’s why I picked you. Remember, I had a line of suitors waiting,” you winked, knowing Colby knew that all too well.

“God, don’t remind me.” He groaned. He leaned his cheek into your hand, allowing you to hold him. That’s how you knew he loved you. He let his guard down and let you love him. He doesn’t do that for many, and you knew that. You loved that he let you in. He lightly kissed the hand that was still caressing his cheek, smiling when you pulled him close again. You two stayed like that for a while, kissing softly while the rain pattered against your windows. It really was like a movie. The gray, swirling clouds and soft wisps of the wind lulled you both into a serene sense of young love. You belong here. This was you two. Shit was going to go wrong. And you were going to love each other through it. That’s what made you two special. You don’t want perfection. You want each other.

“So,” Colby said softly as he pulled back. “How’s about we pick up some In-And-Out and binge watch Attack on Titan in the big theatre?” You smiled again, squeezing the back of his neck one more time.

“Fuck yeah.”

So, that’s what you all did. And it was the best night ever, just you two being goofy and in love. And okay, Colby may be coming around to Valentine’s Day. Or maybe it’s just you. He thinks it’s just you. Either way, he can’t wait to spend the rest of them just like this.

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rivaille-13 · 3 years

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she herself admitted that (in ch133) so she should probably stfu and let Levi and Mikasa make babies in peace imo. BUT the growth of relationship between Levi and Mikasa feels natural and not so much OOC and it's awesome really, better than any rm fic I've ever read, and I love that there's still some kind of respect between them like there's in the original story, and Levi values her personal space as much as he loves her. Can't wait for the next chapters! Good luck! (3/3)

Hey there, anon!

Wow, what a long review... but I am glad that you had taken the time to express your opinion and thoughts about After The War. (:

Hmm, I’ll just answer everything in this last segment... I guess. Ahah (x

For the Eren vs Levi part in Chapter 7: I honestly don’t know why I put that (forgive me, I am a new writer! Hehe) but somehow it convinced me that slowly by slowly, Mikasa started to see some things wherein Eren couldn’t provide to her making Levi better than him. Of course, usual disclaimer applies, and I tried my best to make it close to character, but please know that I am not downgrading Eren in that chapter. (Yes, たたかえ！) I just need to put that for the sake of the plot XD, but alongside that, I wanted to show that Mikasa could realize that it’s not going to be Eren at all the times.

For the why people stopped the hatred towards Paradis: Hmm, based on SNK Chapter 135-138, (Yes, I am also trying to align the events, emotions, conflicts that happened in the manga) I think that the Marleyans slowly realized that hatred is a thing that would kill them first if they wouldn’t do action. So in ATW, when I introduced them in Goodnight Levi, Goodnight Mikasa C1 I think that it was also very fitting to remove the hatred that easy because they were literally the only few left. If it wasn’t for both Ackermans and alliance, then they all dead shit eating dust. XD Although there are some hidden dilemmas, I didn’t dig there deeper because I wanted my story to focus on the ‘Post-war’ happenings in 1920’s (Such as Jazz, etc) and also making the focus of my story between two mentally stressed soldiers that needed to adjust in life in order to move on.

For the Kiyomi is a bitch part: I think many readers didn’t also get this part where Levi let Mikasa go. Hmmm, this is a very hard part to explain but I will try XD Ok, so first... Kiyomi-san is just the trigger I put for the conflict. Because canonically, I want to think that Kiyomi-san is someone who will get anything as long as it will benefit her regardless of even anything. So ok, given that she wanted Mikasa to serve Hizuru, but the conflict there isn’t really focused on Kiyomi-san. It’s about Levi and Mikasa’s unconscious drives about their past, making them drunk on a foolish idea that “If I do this, it will make him/her better” even though they realized they have feelings towards each other. Because as what I could observe, Levi is a very selfless man who is willing to sacrifice anything even if he really loves that someone/something. He is willing to do that for the sake of humanity (Ref: SNK C136, SNK C83, etc) and he tends to keep his emotions away from his decisions. So what I wanted to happen in C12, I wanted to break that selfless devotion of him, making him realize that for once... he needs to be selfish and happy, making him regret the decision he chose. (But it’s damn too late eh) As for Mikasa, the same with Levi, I bluntly put there her ‘dog-like-devotion’ but not with Eren anymore, but it’s with Levi (for showing her how to live again in the world without walls) making her say yes to anything Levi said without the effort to push what she really wanted. And also the same, I wanted to break that past attitude of her, and I wanted her to be truly free doing the things she would not regret. (But someone gotta knock that common sense to her)

So yeah... that’s it. Ahah, pardon for grammatical error and if I explain like a drunk skunk XD But I’m currently working on the next chapter and hopefully I could deliver it satisfactory to everyone. Again, thank you so much for your awesome ask and thank you so much for reading After The War. Thank you for the Levi comment because I honestly intended this fanfic to be Levi-centric, conveying his possible feelings little by little. Ahah xD Have a good day and stay awesome! (:

#after the war #rm fanfic #ask hansu #oh shit im on drugs

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catsitta · 4 years

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Your writing, especially in BotU, is just amazing! It's so poetic and flows so well! Do you have any tips for learning to write fiction? Also I've noticed in your fae focused and underworld fiction you mention so much in regards to legends and myths that reflect real ones, what kind of research do you do for this or do you already know of this/made it up?

You’re making me blush. Heh.

Alright, this going to be a long one, I got wordy.

My writing style mostly reflects how I learned to self-edit, since most of my fics are unbeta’ed. How do I do my own editing? If I find a tricky passage, I will write it how it would be spoken. While not ‘proper’ in many ways, a language when spoken aloud can tell you whether or not a phrase will sound right to the mind’s internal ear. In fact, my main advice for anyone writing anything, essay to novel, is to read it out loud whenever possible. (It also helps find and reduce typos, but if you’re a speed reader like me, you may still skip over stuff because your brain is sometimes super helpful (not) and fixes/fills in words!) Doing this will also force you look at your writing and realize that, even if it is grammatically correct, sometimes phrases will sound/look off and need to be redone.

Another tip that works for me (and is one I learned while writing essays in highschool and really embraced in my college writing courses), is to put words to a page, perfect them later. Your best solution to finishing a fic is to literally write it, then go back later and revise. That doesn’t mean there shouldn’t be structure. If you like knowing what will happen in every chapter before you start and write purposefully, that is great! But I would never get anything done if I made sure it was perfect while writing it or constantly backtracked to fix stuff before a chapter is done.

I will use my drabble fic, Handle with Care, as an example. I have 100 words dedicated to a chapter. A chapter should always inform the reader, bring up a question, answer a question or otherwise move the story and its characters forward, whether you are writing 100 words or 10,000.

[CHAPTER ONE:

“I, THE GREAT AND TERRIBLE EDGE, DEMAND TO KNOW WHO YOU ARE!”

Red rolled his eyelights as he dropped the last of the moving boxes onto the living room floor. Even trashed from the move in, this place looked better than the last. The walls had paint on them and the carpet was from this decade. Best go see what poor sap his little bro was yapping at before they got kicked out. Moving into the hallway outside the apartment, he spotted Edge and his victim. Red swallowed. It was a skeleton monster. Who looked up and winked at Red.]

(HwC had a basic framework written. As in, major keystones/plot points that needed reaching/bridging between.)

My process:

Q: What happened/needs to happen?

A: Red has just moved into a new apartment with his little brother, and while he is moving in, he meets his romantic interest for the fic. This romantic interest is his neighbor.

Q: Is the plot forwarded?

A: Yes.

Q: Is new information introduced? Is it important?

A: Red is moving in. Sans is his neighbor. Edge and Red are brothers and didn’t come from the best neighborhood previously. Edge is very outspoken.

Q: Are there questions a reader may have? Or questions being answered?

A: Why/how did Red move? Why is his little brother living with him? Who is the neighbor? What is the neighbor’s purpose relating to the MC? How old is Edge? How old is Red?

Q: Does it make the Reader think or feel? What do I want my Reader to feel?

A: While not a very emotion impacting chapter in itself, it is supposed to be a cute bit of family fluff that hints at both a future romance as well as possible conflict arising from the reasons why Red and Edge moved.

I highly encourage people to try writing a 100 word drabble fic. Whether you are an experienced writer that writes long, detailed chapters on the regular, or someone who is just starting out and is finding it hard to find the time to commit to a long fic. 100 words is challenging in that you have to use every word effectively, but I’ve personally found it relaxing and even beneficial to me as a writer. After all, if I am having a bad day and nothing is going write and words don’t make sense? Well, I only need to write 100 and then try again tomorrow. It’s good for breaking an obsessive, perfectionistic cycle where you may be impeeding your own progress by simply never finishing.

My last tip is to simply read.

Read anything and everything. You like romance and want to write romance? Read a bunch of it. Professional novels, fanfiction, poems, otome games, comics, manga...All of it. But also don’t be afraid to branch out. Every genera has different strengths. I LOVE fantasy. Traditional high fantasy with dragons and elves and knights and mages and great, cliche plots about good toppling the forces of evil. LOVE IT. And what is fantasy’s strength? World building. What is romance’s? Relationships and dialogue. The more you read, the more you subconciously pick up on diction and the tropes/feel of a genera. The most common comment I have recieved while pursuing a degree, was that I write like I read a lot. That I like to read. And it really stuck with me. Because it is rather true. You can usually tell the difference in the writing of someone who only reads because they must (or only the classics you are assigned in classes) and someone who reads for the love of reading. So be someone who writes like they love to read. Like they love language.

Now that I have rambled!

To answer your second question, my more myth based fics are always a hybrid of real mythology and stuff I’ve made up that is more cohesive with the world I’m writing about. If I am writing Undertale fanfiction, I want it to feel like Undertale fanfiction. I want to maintain certain themes and ideas, even if they don’t align with mythology.

Greek Mythology is also a lot more fixed in places than faerie lore, and thus it needs more research to stay true. While in turn, you can be wildly inventive with faerie lore. Thus with my fae fics, I draw from a wide variety of sources, mostly from memory, be it from books I have read, games I have played, or stories I have been told. (It is often easier to ‘write what you know’ after all. If you read Norse Mythology for fun, then writing a fic retelling a norse myth may be more fun for you as a writer than writing a scifi drama you have to pour tons of hours of research into.)

As a quick example:

Bride of the Underworld’s basic premise is the Abduction of Persephone myth. It is very popular in media and it has endless interpretations. Turning the Underground into the Underworld was a natural step. But I never feel the need to 100% follow the mythology to the tee. This is an Undertale fanfiction after all! So, the math lays out like this. If Frisk is Persephone and Persephone’s mother is Demeter, then Frisk’s mother should be Toriel. Toriel’s husband is Asgore, the King of Monsters, who would be a natural choice for King of Gods, and is thus, a placeholder for Zeus. But Demeter isn’t married to Zeus, one could say. No, but he is married to Hera and Toriel can also fill that roll. In the game, they are estranged, which works perfectly, in that Toriel could have/raise Frisk in private, and become the sheltered maiden that Persephone/Kore was in mythos. (Now play apples-to-apples with a wonderful AU co-creator for 50k+ words and you have a fic.)

#undertale #textpost #handle with care #bride of the underworld #writing #writing style #this is me rambling on about personal writing things if that is your jam

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natsunoomoi · 4 years

Text

Chinese Romance Novels in English

So by chance and obviously successful marketing, I’ve had a lot of web novel apps being advertised to me and out of boredom I downloaded one and got hooked real bad.

The first app I got I think I might delete because most of it seems like trash and was clearly like American wannabe writers. I kind of just read the first few chapters of one story that they happened to put into an advertised Facebook post and I just wanted to continue the story 1 or 2 chapters just to get off the cliffhanger, but the story itself actually isn’t that good and the character motivations seem kind of stupid. The main character also seems kind of like a Mary Sue where like she is just special by some huge coincidence of fate and it’s kind of annoying. Like the beginning part was alright, and then it took a sharp turn when the first guy she was into that rejected her decided for some stupid reason to challenge her new guy who accepted her and then when he claimed to not concede a fight to the death, he went absolutely apeshit and somehow it traveled into dark magic. Idek. Plus like...almost all the stories on that app for some reason have to do with wolf people and packs? Like it’s obviously some kind of trend inspired from Jacob and Twilight and I don’t even like that series. And in addition to that, it’s like on par with the famously former Twilight fanfiction 50 Shades where it has some really uncomfortable unhealthy depictions of BDSM relationships. Like it’s just kind of thrown in there for no reason...? Like whatever floats your boat, but you can totally write it in there in a more sensible way and not just like throw it in randomly. In that sense, maybe it’s actually worse than 50 Shades. Seriously a lot of the stories on there read like horribly written fanfiction by a 12 year old. I was 12 once and my stories then were no better because I had too many ideas and wanted them all in. That’s how much of a mess those stories are. This one I just mentioned is the better one. There’s another one I started reading that’s much worse that’s like a high school drama that I barely remember the story too, but I remember the person putting in a whole ton of One Direction lyrics, which I think is going to get the person and the app sued because lyrics are copyrighted and the writer shamelessly pointed out they are a Directioner and to unlock new chapters you need certain items that you can earn or buy and basically they’re definitely making money off of it.

But then similar to how I found this app, I found another app that had Chinese romance novels translated into English in the same way I found the previously mentioned app through a Facebook ad, which is cool cuz I don’t often get to read literally anything with main characters that are Chinese let alone Asian. Most of the Asian protagonist media I consume is from Japan and I just gave up on looking up anything in Chinese cuz I honestly didn’t know I could find any in English.

But damn, the quality of writing is rather good. The translations could use some work and consistency where sometimes the translator doesn’t know common English expressions or there’s grammatical mistakes in newer chapters or sometimes I think they’re speed translating too fast and accidentally mix up characters. But the story itself is top notch and suspenseful. I’ve been reading non-stop for the last week and a half and caught up and am awaiting new chapters. Sometimes there’s bits where character decisions are a little frustrating or like some of the plot twists are like again or like how come this person can’t catch a break, but I got invested in the story so quick.

There’s two in particular I’m enjoying right now. One is Irresistible Romance and the other is Thorny First Marriage on Bravonovel. It’s actually a bit pricey to charge for diamonds and pearls to continue the story, but I felt like it was worth it because I did want to read more and didn’t regret it. I actually started a third today just because I ran out of chapters in those two. Both are similar in that the male lead that the female protagonist is with or trying to get with is like a rich Chinese business man that is so well-known for their business acumen and power via their company that they can strike fear into the hearts of other people and companies. So there’s like some intrigue and like really fascinating maneuvers and media manipulation.

In Irresistible Romance, the main character is an actress that had a really shitty relationship with the loser President of her management company who was cheating on her with another actress and he had convinced his fiancee (the main character) to basically give up her life for him and help him to push the actress that he was ultimately having an affair with. The main character, Yan Wen, gives up the final straw when like he ditches her at the Marriage Registration Office for some lame excuse where he’s with his mistress and by chance the rich guy in this story shows up at the Registration Office and gets stood up by his own prospective fiancee although for him it was a random girl he picked from a pile just to satisfy his family getting on his case about not finding a wife. So basically because the main character grows a spine and decides fuck her fiance she’s not going to just take his bullshit, she asks the rich guy, Jiang Sui-an, if he’d mind marrying her. He totally accepts though and they get married on the spot. He seems at first to be kind of a cold-hearted jerk, but he’s actually super cool. Like he marries Yan Wen just to get his family off his back, but then after he does some research into his wife and finds her super interesting and as she begins her journey of trying to take back her life from her ex-fiancee and his stuck up bitch mistress, he like finds out and helps from the shadows and like realizes she’s actually super cool too. And then like through the whole process they actually fall for each other and are super sweet and have each other’s backs. They have a really beautiful and healthy relationship where they can each have their own separate lives and do their thing, but they get supported and help when needed.

It was so refreshing cuz like the rich CEO thing was like a huge fetish for sure especially after 50 Shades, but like a lot of people noted, that relationship was hella unhealthy. This story though, Sui-an lets Wen take her time fixing her career and life in her own way and like postpones announcing their marriage so she can set things right herself. He totally supports her space and her own decisions, but if he ever sees that she needs an extra boost or gets backed into a corner by some unexpected thing, he steps up and lends a hand. But ultimately he leaves everything up to her decision. And like on her end too, she’s totally a really good supportive wife and tries to make sure she doesn’t worry him too much and that he gets plenty of sleep and eats regularly, and she even tries to help him where she can with his work. They are so cute together. Along the way a lot of other people try to defame Wen or pull some shady entertainment world tactics, but she stays poised and lets the truth come out on its own or even does some defensive research and stuff. It’s so good.

Plus, writing-wise it’s really fascinating how they intertwine the online commentary tabloid headlines into the story so you can see different angles. And then when they write the antagonists’ sides they give you their internal dialog POV so you can understand the situation the best. The actual story and plot development is so good.

Then Thorny First Marriage, holy shit the intrigue. Plus for the most part, the main character is most like my personality only I’m not a former journalist. It’s just a lot of her reactions and sassy thoughts to things are really similar to me and how I feel like I would react if I was in her position. There’s a few times where she does things that I don’t think I would necessarily do or I would do things a bit more drastically, but so good and I identify with her. Writing-wise I don’t think it’s as good as Irresistible Romance because there’s been two times where they kind of forgot about something that they mentioned in an earlier chapter, so they have some issues keeping track of their plot twists, and there’s a few times where I’m reading like, “Why don’t you just tell them what happened and then they’d STFU?”

But yeah, this story starts out with the main character, Xia Zhi, waking up in the presidential suite of a hotel and not knowing how she got there and distinctly feeling like she was raped and finding some...remnants on the bed next to her. As the plot develops you find out that her asshole husband, who had never touched her himself for some reason and has the spine of jellyfish, sold her to some rich guy for 2 million bucks (she finds out later). What the actual hell? What kind of husband pimps his wife to another man?! And like she gets a pregnancy test later and somehow someone blabs to her mother-in-law and her mother-in-law totally doesn’t believe her and she knows that her son and her were never intimate, so she throws her out of the house. Then some dude that’s like some kind of secretary or assistant just comes by all stalker-like that appears to be from some rich guy that knows her and basically coerces her into going with them and going to some mystery safe house mansion. She’ll be cared for there by two staff, but she also tries to escape and find out who tf this guy is and if he’s the Dad. She still has a job and goes to work as a journalist, but gets assigned to interview some rich VP of a famous company. All the while she’s trying to get a hold of her asshole husband to find out what the hell happened to her that night she didn’t remember where she got super frickin’ drunk at his company party. This dick has been in hiding and trying to avoid her for some reason since that night and he finally calls back in the middle of her interview and because she’s freaking out about her unexplained pregnancy she unprofessionally takes the call. The rich VP, Sang Qi, ends up calling her boss and getting her fired, which I mean, obviously. That’s a thing where I probably wouldn’t have taken the call. One of the differentiating things between her and me. But how she reacts to being fired, yeah, that’s totally me. She runs into Sang Qi later at a rich people shopping mall shop and somehow manages to steal his phone and starts a plotline where she tries to use it as leverage to like get back at him and make a living for herself that also involves him being crafty and like kind of tricking her into some situations like confronting her ex-husband. And then like at some point she remembers a custom cufflink she remembered finding in the room she woke up in that one time and starts to wonder and suspect if maybe Sang Qi was the guy cuz he does have those kinds of things. And she like looks at the cufflink she has that she took from the room as evidence, but she has to do a direct comparison. He like uses GPS to find her mansion prison and tries to take back his phone and Zhi gets like even more suspicious that he is the guy cuz for some reason he knows how the balcony door at the place works even though it has a weird af lock, and they have witty banter and somehow he ends up staying over and she tries to sneak in his room at night to check out his cufflink but he catches her. And like hot damn, so much intrigue. After like a ton of frustration with trying to interrogate everyone around her about who the baby Daddy is she’s just like f it, I’m not going to be your baby incubator and tries to go get an abortion (I would’ve gone way sooner) and before they can start the procedure Sang Qi shows up and claims to be the Dad, and then afterward also takes care of her because she’s allergic to anesthetic. Since she knows who now they like stay together and stuff and she tries to question him about that night, but he actually has no memory of it either cuz he was super frickin’ drunk too. It’s just a lot of unanswered questions. And like since he’s supposedly the Dad, he tries to get closer to her, but she won’t let him really. There’s a lot of witty banter between them and like he even helps her out with her loser husband by getting him demoted. Over time they actually become fond of each other and like used to each other, and it’s really sweet. He actually is there for her and helps her on a number of occasions even though she doesn’t really trust him cuz of course he bought her right? But then little by little you see them really start to like each other and it seems like he might be more interested whereas Zhi is like more reserved because he’s her captor as far as she knows. But then just when you think that maybe they’ll get together, Qi disappears and then the process of him showing up you find out who the actual Dad is and a whole lot of family drama, and other drama where like you actually don’t know where Qi stands, and it like isn’t until like where I am that you find out he was actually upright the whole time. It’s so stressful but it’s so good.

There was a couple of times earlier one where there’s misunderstandings with other people, where I was like, dude, just tell the people your asshole husband sold you for money. I think they’d be more understanding of your situation if they knew.

And then like...for me, I like Qi and I came around to him after awhile, but like I suspected him and didn’t like him toward the beginning especially because he didn’t do or say anything that made him seem trustworthy. He never really lies except for one thing (about being the father), but also he like isn’t that truthful either, or rather, he doesn’t stop to actually explain himself properly which would have made Zhi not like freak out or mistrust him and would have made me not mistrust him. Like I shared a lot of Zhi’s fears because she was in an unfamiliar situation and being manipulated like a puppet by someone with money, and this guy claims to be the one that bought her like an object to be a baby incubator. I and the main character can’t respect that no matter how nice he is. If he admit he didn’t do it at the beginning it would have made all the difference. It’s a trek to find out who though. And at first even that guy sounds disgusting, but like where I am in the story maybe not? Like almost sympathetic.

The only one that I like really hate and disgusts me is her original husband. Like eww. He’s such a greedy asshole. And like later on you find out that actually he lied to her about how much he sold her for and it was actually more. What the actual fuck?! It wasn’t bad enough that you sold your wife for money, but you had to lie to her too about how much it was so you can hide the money from her? And for such a long frickin’ time he tried to coax her to come back and to not divorce him. What the actual hell? What kind of delusion is he living in?! But like also her original husband reminds me of someone I knew in real life when I was in uni. He was a friend of mine initially, but at some point he started making really uncomfortable jokes and it seemed like he liked me or something. I never viewed him that way, but we just hung out. And then at my uni because there was a huge rush to like try to figure out 2nd year housing, we arranged to do a co-ed roommate situation where like me and another girl and him and his friend would stay in apartment from our second year. To me that seemed normal cuz other friends of mine did that too because there’s only so many people you know and you have to try to snatch up and apply for apartments as soon as possible. There were long wait lines and I actually hadn’t thought about it until the last minute, so I didn’t see it as having much of a choice. But he started making cracks and fantasizing about neighbors and people misunderstanding and thinking we were married, which I didn’t find funny and how and why when there were other people we were living with too? It made me super uncomfortable and during the summer he was kind of like a stalker and tracking where I went so I just started avoiding him every chance I could. After awhile thinking about him made me feel physically ill. The next year after that my roommate decided to move out with two other girls into a different apartment (after unsuccessfully trying to make him leave). But the whole thing with how Zhi’s first husband was written totally reminded me of that guy. Especially with the lame excuses when confronted and stuff and not thinking and his unhealthy tie to his parents’ way of living.

That said, finding these stories are kind of like an unexpected comfort. I wish I could find someone as supportive as Sui-an or Qi. Especially when the men I’ve met in my life were just as bad as some of the other male characters or arguably worse. I’ve been bullied by the guys I fell for, I’ve liked some guys that were way too moody, I’ve had guys that liked me that were not creepy too, but I just wasn’t interested in them or the timing was just wrong, I’ve given up someone I really cared for because a mutual friend of ours crossed a line and then posthumously went kind of crazy from the grief, and I’ve met guys that were really fucking stupid and didn’t know how to act appropriately in a professional situation and actually sexually harassed and retaliated against me. I’m so tired and almost 4 years into living in Japan, I’m starting to realize that because of that last one, I think I gave up on my life because of trauma. Just hurt too many times, so don’t even think about love anymore cuz why bother? It took awhile for me to even be able to become a functioning human being again after the PTSD of harassment. I was really bad and freaking out because the guy that did it was so frickin’ stupid that he like wasn’t actually responsible enough to know the things he shouldn’t do and it was freaking me the hell out that he just didn’t know when he crossed a line. So I ran away to another country and tried to rebuild some semblance of a life for myself. Now my home country is a goddamn mess and I’d be in a worse position to go home, but at the same time, although my heart has healed enough to the point that I can function as a human. I am not at all motivated to look for anyone or let myself care for someone ever again. When I was younger I had so many dreams and really wanted a family. But now I am sad to say I have resigned myself to believing that that will probably never happen because I am apparently plagued by horrible people. I haven’t met horrible people since I’ve been in Japan, but I also don’t go out and talk to anyone other than co-workers and students because I’m busy and in my free time I want to introvert. It’d be kind of nice if I was lucky and had a kind of random chance like Yan Wen cuz like, I just can’t and don’t want to put up with low quality people.

That said, I was talking with my boss and co-worker the other day and we were discussing how China’s population problem with the bachelor society so there’s a lot of men but less available women to be their wife, so I was kind of wondering if that was also kind of how come so many modern day Chinese romance novels seem to involve a rich CEO. I suppose in China right now the chance that you could marry one is greater than anywhere else in the world because of the population problem, so maybe they’re trying to promote moving there and marrying them. LOL I’d be kind of suspicious of whether or not they’d be able to be like actually good husbands for real, but I suppose there probably is some sense of desperation.

And then because I ran out of chapters to read for today because I have to wait for them to translate more, I started another one about a Bossy Ghost Husband? It’s kind of creepy at the beginning, but the ghost husband thing has been something I was kind of curious about because you can marry the dead in China. But like for real I also wondered if youkai really are real or not and if you could unknowingly marry a youkai or something too, so basically it’s right up my alley too. And then also because my life is garbage I was like seriously thinking and wondering if it would actually be so bad to be single to the people who know you around you, but married actually to a ghost and have a ghost husband to go home to? Like would that actually be bad? I suppose in that same vein, it’s not much different from WoL having a secret relationship with Emet-Selch, but yeah.

Anyway, all of this gave me a lot to think about.

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waitingfortheendtocome · 4 years

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Notes on my re-watch of CM Season 7 Episode 23 Hit

So because I was re-watching episodes of Criminal Minds I saw a post @emilyprentissisababe made on a few things she spotted that I never noticed and it hit me that there was quite a bit that I missed and most of that was due to the fact that I only saw both episodes once since I knew those where the ones that Emily ultimately leaves the team so I never re-watched them because of how heartbreaking it is to see her leave (Top favorite member and to this day crushing on her lol Who isn’t).

Now my thoughts on that episode and mind you I watched two times in a row back to back after I finished the first watch I played it back and watched it again completely a second time. Even after seeing them my thoughts on them are literally everywhere I was going to do a post on both Hit and Run (watched them both twice) but it would be too long so I will do them separately I just finished somewhat organizing the notes for Hit so I will post that one first. Hopefully they make sense since again my thoughts where back and forth and all over the place I couldn’t help it there is a lot going on in those episodes especially the episode Hit with the bank robbery and a few things I noticed that I didn’t before.

My notes were written as I watched the episodes so they’ll be in order based on scenes of the show unless I make references to other episodes and comparisons to other parings that they remind me off. Heads up I wrote these notes as I was watching them and paused to quick rant so there might be a lot of errors grammatically so I apologize in advanced lol.

Here are my notes on Hit is long but I got into mini rants that will continue on Run: (Had to do a read-more link because I didn’t realize how long it was).

Okay! So, I re-watched the episodes Hit and Run from Criminal Minds to get some notes and actually see some of the subtle things I might of missed and boy did I miss quite a lot. The episode Hit I had to watch two times in a row because there was quite a lot going on all at once and I felt like they where some things I missed.

Since I have no idea how to even remotely start I'm going to start in order but probably will go back and comment on several particular characters and go from there.

First thing is first I adore JJ's son he is so adorable and lovable and the way he jumps his mom to wake her up is cute af granted I think it was Will who put him there as a way to wake her up.

Speaking of Will and I had to re-watch this SEVERAL TIMES to see if it's just me but I kept seeing it so I'm putting it on here maybe I'm too romantic but if I see JJ asleep and I need to go to work and so does she I would think of more creative romantic ways to wake her up tugging her on her feet with little to no expression is......well..........lets just say had me frowning. Now on THAT note when he kisses her it didn't scream love at least on his end maybe is the expressions he makes but I did not see it where as on JJ's end at least I can see she at least cares about him and loves him (NOTE: Love's him and being IN LOVE with him are two different things. Carol loved Harge loved him enough to bare his child but she was not and never was IN LOVE with him and yes I will be making Carol references occasionally).

Speaking of Will, Why does he look bored, tired, and he lacks emotions when he does or says anything; it's a never ending monotone expression with him at least when he is with JJ I seen him on other seen that he does express himself and usually when he is working or being a cop or during action scenes so I do not know what is it about him being around JJ or in general being a normal situation that he gives off that 'I don't give af vibe) When he is with Henry I see him expressing himself a bit as well.

Hotch and his girlfriend Beth are actually cute together you can see how happy he is with her and happy she makes him. She is also really good with Jack which is an added bonus, Jack deserves someone a female in his life that can be maternal and care for him the way his own mother would have by all means is no replacement for his birth-mother but all the love Beth is showering him with every time she is with him is something he will appreciate especially with how young he is.

Penelope and Spencer having a day out is gold and we should have had more of this having them nerd out more often but Kevin HAD TO RUIN IT.

Kevin OMFG KEVIN. He is and will always be a class A asshole I never liked him from day one he was just there I felt Garcia could do better but this...THISSSSSS.....I am MAD He ruined Garcia's day by bringing his new girlfriend knowing comic cons is something Garcia and him did. With that said if they broke up badly mind you given wanted to push marriage on Garcia when One they have not been dating that long Two she wanted to take her time Three you were rushing it and pushing it (This mirrors Will and JJ I will get back on that later).

If you where his new girlfriend picture yourself in that scenario You're dating him have been dating him not long at all (You and him started dating not even that long after things ended with Garcia but lets ignore that part). He invites you to a date and he takes you to the same comic con or take you out to the same places he took your ex-girlfriend Garcia too. would you as a girl appreciate having your new bf Kevin take you out to the same places do the sames things he did with his ex-girlfriend. Maybe I'm overthinking it but if I were her I would be increasingly uncomfortable with it (not that I would even look his way let along say yes to him to begin with Now if Emily asked me I'll say yes...Sorry offtrack where was I ranting.)

Reid's reaction to Garcia's "Yeah, I brought someone who I possibly couldn't be sexually attracted too" is comical and very Reid like also very true.

Also what Garcia said is true, she brought a friend over to the comic-con where as Kevin brought in not only a new girlfriend but someone he is possibly already sleeping with. She had every right to be angry bringing a new lover/gf to something you did with your ex HELLOOOOOOOO.

Now this next part HOW IN THE FLYING ELEPHANTS DID I NOT NOTICE THIS UNTIL I RE-WATCHED THIS FOR THE SECOND TIME IN A ROW. Rossi bumping into Reid and Garcia I always though of it as funny and just there because he happen to be waiting for his car but I DID NOT NOTICE THIS.

There is a hotel next to the convention Garcia and Reid where going too Rossi obviously was coming out of the hotel hint why he was waiting for the ballet to fetch him his car and he pointed out on wanting to take a nap but although a funny comment to him not wanting to be seen on his day off with his team (said it affectionately and playful) Garcia looks to her right and sees Sector Chief Strauss walk out of the same hotel Rossi was in a moment later looking like she was fixing her hair she was looking slightly dishevel looking around making sure no one saw her or recognize her call me crazy but WTF okay there have been hints that those too rolled the hay and did the tango but did he just got out of a night off dirty playtime. I mean Reid and Garcia thought so given their shocked expressions. If true those two where up all night *insert lions sleeps tonight theme from ace ventura)

Emily and Morgan's friendship is gold she confided in him and took him to help her pick out a house wanting his input although she looks completely unsure, she doesn't look happy or like she is ready to settle down. She was sure and positive about it at first, ready to set roots she felt at home and was happy but now that it's hers she is taking a step back and is not sure. My take as been mentioned this has to be more than just Ian Doyle and her near death experience that she isn't and cannot tell the team let along Morgan. He is an amazing friend they are things that even she can't tell him. She is use to compartmentalizing as well as keeping everything bottled up and not telling anyone what's troubling her. She hadn't been sure of buying it since she started looking for it on the episode Divided Rod.

I been watching several clips from all over the seasons between two and seven. From what I saw Emily is is at a point (and Doyle made her feel like this, so yes Ian has play in this a heavy play but her leave is so much more than just Doyle).... she is at a breaking point, she feels empty and from what I saw watching the show is wholly obvious from here to the moon that Emily has has a crush on JJ that friendship they felt evolved into a crush and eventually love (And I am not going to tackle all the evidence that points in these women falling for each other because I'll be here for hours on end maybe on another post) JJ means Will on the episode Jones season 2 episode eighteen by then Emily was already crushing on her and JJ on Emily but unlike Emily who was aware of her crush (granted small a the time) JJ might have not been aware of it at first hint why she felt and got in a relationship with Will also JJ might not have wanted to crush their friendship and not aware Emily felt the same.

Neither women voiced it neither where aware Emily might of seen the signs but Emily is respectful she woul never make the first more especially when their friendship is on the line she would wait for JJ to make the first more to see what she sees to feel the same when Emily saw JJ going after Will Emily would assume JJ didn't feel the same way or at least feels the same way but would never go through with it by then Emily would decide to hide her crush or at least try but she would decide the moment (and this is by the fact that the team along with her knew about JJ and Will before they even came out as official for the team) she resigned the fact that she lost her so instead in the episode In Heat she helps JJ admit her feelings for Will and Help JJ realize her feelings for him which is why Emily says "You make a cute couple" JJ runs after him and Emily goes from surprised to this :\ with her head tilt that split moment she realized she officially lost her chances yet is happy for her friend thus why she says though she was never going to admit it.

With that mini rant said and out of the way. in Hit (and I’ll get to her thoughts or what I interpreted them by on Run most of this she doesn’t realize until the episode Run she doesn’t know why by the episode Hit hint why she asks Morgan ‘Am I crazy to turn this opportunity away’) at Emily's moment of emptiness during her time away yes she played scrabbles with JJ but from her end by then Emily deep down had feels for she'll probably try to work over it "is too late" when she came back she thought she got over them but over the course of the season they resurface and Emily by then do to the problem with Doyle she can't handle what happened to her and by then she can't handle what hr own feelings for JJ. She begins to realize this when she starts buying the house but it's not until JJ says yes to Will about marriage that she makes her decision to not go through with the house.

When she is with Morgan she is making excuses to not buy the house and at the time she doesn't know why she doesn't have her heart for it and why she doesn't feel for it in terms on getting the house at least not until after the case is over that she realizes exactly why (I'm hopping around I'm sorry it'll make somewhat sense hopefully it does my thoughts are jumbled).

The next scene with Will and his partner get a call about the bank heist and my thoughts if they are bank robbers two exists they might come out though the side door. Bank heist + dangerous bank robbers + never getting caught = three people with guns coming out of a door you're parked near than is obvious (or just me) that you shouldn't get out of the car THAN MAKE PLANS do that inside the car and proceed with caution she never did she got out and stood in the middle of the sidewalk giving orders looking away from the three people who shot her when she was least expecting it. I don't know just me but she wasn't smart on that aspect. She should have gotten out crouched down just in case they began shooting at random.

I never fully trusted Clyde Easter Just me? there's just something about him the way he acted on the Doyle arc and how he just pops up with ideas out of the blue to Emily that seem random at least to me.

Clyde randomly offering Emily to run Interpol at the most inconvenient of times out of the blue and he seems to do it often judging by Emily offhanded comment. I should probably re-watch Ian Doyle's arc but until then I don't trust him never did.

The look on JJ when she heard Emily's "Work for Interpol again" her heart dropped you can see the moment it does she looks terrified of loosing Emily (she never had the courage to face her feelings for Emily and at this point despite never admitting them never going through with her feelings and facing them she never had her romantically but wanted her close by "at least she is near" having her leave will be facing what could have had). JJ when Clyde asks Emily not work Run Interpol and Emily looks physically surprise JJ's heart drops further and looks more terrified and unlike JJ, Reid isn't jumping the gun just yet instead he looks curious. When Emily hangs up JJ quickly starts to plea at Emily to tell her about something Emily brushes off quickly letting her know is nothing. The moment you see JJ's fear increasing is when Emily says "That's a hell of a time to bring that up" and when she says something along the lines of "You help me with this we'll talk after" You can see JJ's world crumbling she is struggling with what she is hearing and somewhat afraid if not very.

Okay now Will gets shot as soon as he enters the bank and it hit me when I saw this that if Paget had staid Will would have never lived. He wasn't suppose to have survived the episode Run they where going to kill him off completely. On that note you can tell they where building up for it thought both episodes all they had to do is write in that Emily never got to him in time and the bomb went off with him in it instead we got Emily finding him and saving him.

I always felt Will to be a bit of a controlling boyfriend despite him being understanding it does not change the fact that he forced JJ to be open about it to the team when she wasn't ready and in the end what he said it came off as guilt tripping her and if it wasn't for the fact that Emily WAS THE ONE that helped JJ work through her feelings and help JJ see she loved him (despite her own feelings for JJ) JJ would never have taken him back and possibly would have let him go, The entire episode of In Heat Emily in her own was helping JJ finally comes to terms with her feelings for Will. Besides trying to force JJ into telling the team about them he also practically forced her to tell them about the pregnancy when again she was not ready too and at the worse time as well. He also tried a few times to ask her to marry him and he refused not ready. The only time she said yes was after he almost died. He almost died father of her son she almost died as well high of adrenaline and near death experience she quickly told him ask me and he did she said yes there's a reason you shouldn't make big decisions when you nearly died.

HOLY HELL CLYDE'S ACCENT I don't trust you at all but your accent I mean is the only good thing you had so far don't get use to it I love Emily more (Cate's is better just saying random sorry XD)

I noticed while everyone was on the federal computerized bus Emily was sitting on the table (can't sit straight to save her life) she was biting her nails in nervousness while she saw JJ in distress than when JJ stopped she stopped biting her nails and when JJ got worked up again she went right back in biting her nails half way though this she tried to comfort her and to help her be more positive but it wasn't working and thus way Emily went back to biting her nails a show of nervousness and distress.

When Morgan, Hotch, JJ, and Emily ran to go inside the bank to try and bring back Will only to have the building blow up (Reid wasn't able to warn them on time) that entire scene was heart wrenching and had me nearly shout NOOOO at the computer scene even though I know they are okay but it's still hard to watch especially since I paused it right there and couldn't see Emily is like she pulled a Houdini (that how you spell that magicians name?) I saw JJ and Morgan couldn't see her.

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jcmorrigan · 4 years

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Me(n)tal Fatigue

The F/O? XR from Buzz Lightyear of Star Command. The S/I? Rachel Sparks - fifth ranger of Team Lightyear with a big heart for justice (and no glasses in this ‘verse because I suppose Nebula would surgically augment my eyes to make sure Zurg couldn’t rip the glasses off and stomp on them, which is a Zurg tactic). This one goes as an epilogue to the ep “Head Case,” and watch me project neurodivergent headcanons upon a ROBOT. Listen, I have evidence as to why he has OCD, GAD, or both and I can produce receipts.

***

She crossed his path later that night, just after hours, in the hallways connecting the barracks. Not an infrequent occurrence, given the proximity of her barrack to his storage unit. As always, they greeted each other as friends.

She put up her hand; “Hey.”

He made finger guns at her and clicked his tongue, winking.

This was the part where they would just breeze by each other and keep on going, usually. But tonight –

“Hey. XR.”

They’d already passed each other by a couple paces in her case and cycles in his, and XR heard Rachel’s call to him when his back was already turned to her. He turned a quick 180 to see her regarding him with an air of concern that was, frankly, surprising. Shouldn’t she be used to this by now?

“You know, I didn’t come THAT close to dying this time,” he said, cavalier as ever, a flippant shrug punctuating it. “YOU were the one who almost exploded.”

Oh, that realization didn’t sit well with him.

“I know,” Rachel replied.

The words were so hard to dig up. She knew what she wanted – had – to ask him. But was it out of obligation as a friend, or some twisted excuse to get more attention from him? She wrestled with herself in her mind over the topic. This was why having feelings for someone was horrible. You could never trust your own intentions.

She ended up just staring at XR blankly for a minute and a half, at which point he remarked, “Ooooookay, Rachel’s finally glitched out. And here, I thought that didn’t happen to organics.” In a blink, he was up in her face, escalated to her height so he could wave a hand in her face; “HEL-LOOOOO! STAR COMMAND TO RACHEL SPARKS! IS THERE A SIGN OF INTELLIGENT LIFE IN THERE?”

She snorted, then broke down giggling.

“I’m not sure whether to take that as a good sign or one that you’ve just completely lost it,” XR commented.

“I’m fine,” Rachel said, calming down. “I just…wanted to ask you something. It might not be something you wanna talk about.”

“You grossly underestimate my desire to talk about anything for long periods of time, especially if that ‘anything’ is related to myself.”

“Well, you’re in luck,” Rachel replied. “But seriously, if you don’t wanna answer the question, you don’t have to.”

He reverted to his usual height. “You’re gonna kill me from curiosity, Rach. If your goal here was to finish the job XL started, you’re doing a bang-up job.”

“I was the one he almost blew up, remember?”

XR really, really didn’t like considering the actual implications there. “No, seriously, what’s the big, scary question?”

“Well…”

She had to ask. Even if it was just an excuse to get him to talk to her. Either way, she knew he needed to talk about it. If his case was anything like hers, anyway. And she knew it was.

On impulse, Rachel repositioned, dropping to the floor to sit with legs folded in a pretzel-reminiscent configuration, making her actually have to look up to meet XR’s line of sight. “So. Everybody thought you had ‘mental fatigue.’”

“We’re getting comfortable for this. That should be a red flag.”

“You don’t have to answer.”

“I at least need to know where you’re going with this.”

“It’s just…” Rachel faltered on the wording, then decided to simply be blunt: “DO you?”

XR flinched. “What, you think I’m some kind of nutcase? Granted, that would fall in line with your brand of affectionate insult – “

“Just hear me out, okay?” Rachel interrupted. “It’s all these things I’ve been noticing. How you straight-up ditched the team after having an air freshener ripped out. That was the first clue. You KNOW I’ve been there. It really looks like if you think you’re not perfect, you might as well not try. And then there’s the whole NOS-4-A2 thing. You’ve been taking him…REALLY hard. And then there was that attack that kicked this whole evaluation off, and…”

“You are reading way, WAY too much into things,” XR replied, waving a hand as though to brush off Rachel’s speculation entirely. “Everyone has problems facing down a legitimate archnemesis. The rest of that is just my lovable quirks.”

“And that’s…fine,” Rachel said unsurely. “It’s just that…I’ve…been a lot of these places. Not all of them, but…sometimes it really looks like you’re dealing with some heavy shit. Like you’re scared. Like you feel you’re losing control. Like you’re anxious.”

“Robots don’t get anxiety disorder,” XR said dismissively. “I am literally programmed not to have anything your armchair diagnosis has led you to believe I have.”

“And I’m totally ready to bring out the apology train for assuming,” Rachel went on. “I just had to ask if…” She swallowed hard. “If you were okay. That’s really all I want to know. Because if you’re not, then I figured you might wa – need to talk about it. And if you do, then…I’m here. But if I’m wrong, then just tell me straight, I’ll shut the fuck up, and I’ll go directly to bed without passing Go or collecting two hundred unibucks.”

XR regarded Rachel with mild suspicion. “And after I answer, you intend to do WHAT with that information, exactly?”

“Nothing,” Rachel told him. “This isn’t like taping me stupid dancing. I’m not gonna broadcast it or use it as blackmail. Like I know you wouldn’t do for anything ACTUALLY important.”

His immediate instinct was to make a wisecrack about that, but that was perhaps the one sacred covenant between them, and he knew better. She was right about that much.

“I’m just…” Her voice was barely able to eke out the next words due to the pounding of her heart. “Worried about you.”

The silence only lasted a few seconds, but they could both feel how heavy it was and what it carried with it.

“Well,” XR said at last. “Don’t be, because there is nothing to worry about.”

Rachel looked up to him, giving him a nod in response. Maybe she’d been wrong. It was entirely likely she’d been projecting.

His smile was broad, his body language solid. “You think it’s gonna take a few near-death experiences to break XR, Robot Ranger? Well, think again, my grammatically correct friend. I’ve been on the force longer than you have, you know.”

By a couple months, she thought, but she didn’t voice this, instead nodding.

“And I’ve seen things,” XR went on confidently. “Things that would reduce your average civilian to tears. But me? I am resilient in all conditions! Mental fatigue? Please. At the end of the day, nothing REALLY gets to me. Only the satisfaction of bad guys stopped, a job well done, and, if the day has gone according to plan, side cash earned from a moonlight venture. Granted, it’s a fifty-fifty shot that that part ever goes according to plan.”

Seventy-thirty, Rachel corrected internally, and not in your favor.

“In conclusion,” XR stated, “you don’t need to get your pretty little head worried about me, because I am completely, totally, one HUNDRED percent – NO I’M NOOOOOOOT!”

The shift had been completely unpredictable; suddenly he was shaking like a leaf, fluid welling up at the bases of his eye-lights. Rachel flinched; it was like he’d been replaced again, like an entirely different robot stood before her, but she knew it was him. And she knew it was exactly as she’d suspected.

“I DON’T WANNA KEEP DEALING WITH THIS!” XR went on, his voice cracking. “I DON’T WANNA LEAVE DUTY, EITHER! I CAN’T HAVE ANYONE THINKING I’M NUTS! BUT EVERY TIME THAT ENERGY-SUCKING VAMPIRE REARS HIS HEAD, OR XL RIPS ME TO PIECES, I DON’T EVEN KNOW IF I’M GONNA MAKE IT OUT THIS TIME! AND I REMEMBER THAT! I THINK ABOUT THAT!”

Rachel didn’t reply. She simply listened. He had to say his piece. He’d had to say it for some time now. Though she had to admit she wasn’t as prepared for this reaction as she’d thought she had been. She had asked for candor, but hadn’t expected things to get quite this candid.

Nor was she expecting it when he leaned right into her, his arms suddenly extending to wrap tightly around her in a desperate search for comfort, for understanding. She froze, her heart the only part of her in motion, and that dangerously so, throbbing so fast it might just explode. Feelings. She cursed them. If she didn’t have those feelings for him, this wouldn’t be so difficult to navigate, and she could just be there for him without pausing or stuttering. She could just –

Well, realizing what a rational Rachel without a crush would do indicated what the real Rachel had to.

She wrapped her own arms around his cylindrical body, pulling him a bit closer. Thinking about how there might not even be any benefit he’d get from that, being unable to sense tactile stimulation and all. Knowing that didn’t matter.

“And you know – YOU KNOW – I’m only the way I am because of an accident!” XR babbled. “I got smashed to smithereens, and when they put me back together, I was me! Nobody knows how that even happened! And every time since then, when I’ve been pounded to bits, I come back as me! But what if I DON’T come back as me next time? What if I actually get deleted? Erased? Eighty-sixed?”

Rachel had never even thought about that before, and she had to admit even she was horrified. No. She couldn’t tell him she was worried about that now on top of his mental state. She had to be the strong one here. It’s what she would want if it were her doing the crying.

“ – and that energy-sucker’s obedience code is STILL in my data banks, and I’ve erased it THREE times since then, but it keeps reprogramming itself, and I can’t get rid of it, I CAN’T GET RID OF IT – “

Her hand gently slid up and down his back. Now, that gesture probably was absolutely useless, but still, any way to let him know, without verbally interrupting, that she was listening, that she was understanding as best she could.

“ – and THIS time, it was almost YOU that bit the dust, and that would’ve been on me! Forever! Knowing I let you get blown up!”

A cold flush ran over Rachel. He’d really been that afraid for her?

“And what kind of ranger lets all of his friends go down like THAT? Listen, I know I’m not the galaxy’s most morally upstanding guy, but – “

Oh. He’d meant the collective “you.” That made more sense.

This went on for a while. What he poured out, she absorbed, and soon she was the one shaking, having to hold all of this knowledge, even if it was only confirmation of what she’d theorized. Then there was silence, the pair of them locked together in the middle of a public hallway, surprisingly not having attracted any outside attention or gotten in the way of passersby. The benefits of waiting until after hours to have a breakdown.

At last, very quietly, XR said, “I needed that,” and Rachel knew it was over. They let go of each other, slowly, and when XR met Rachel’s gaze again, his tears had dried, and he was putting on his best game face.

“And you KNEW I needed that,” he said in an even tone.

“I guessed,” Rachel said. The first words she’d spoken in a while.

“And you’re NEVER going to tell anyone.”

“No,” Rachel affirmed. “This stays between us. Unless you want to take it to anyone else.”

“I don’t need them kicking me out for this,” XR said firmly.

“I don’t want them kicking you out for this,” Rachel agreed. “You’re still doing GREAT. Being a little…um…”

“Insane? Loco? Bananas?” “…I don’t have a more polite word right now. The best I have is ‘messed up.’ But being a little bit that-stuff hasn’t really held you back that much. People get stress like that.”

XR fixed Rachel with a particularly corrective look; “People?”

“And robots,” Rachel said with a nod. “And you do a great job of working around it. I just know that sometimes, when it gets like that…if you don’t find a place to let it out, you’ll just collapse.”

“Well, in that case…” XR suddenly lost a bit more confidence, tapping his index finger points together sheepishly. “I probably owe you one for being the – “

“No. You don’t.” She was stern on that point. “Never. And I don’t wanna hear it brought up again.”

“Right.” A double take, as though he was only just now realizing where he was, and what time it was. “Basically, this never happened.”

“What never happened?”

“Exactly.”

Though Rachel couldn’t be completely selfless. “A thank-you WOULD be nice, though. That’s literally all I want.”

“Well, thank you,” XR said, sounding completely offhand.

Even though Rachel knew he was anything but.

She set about getting to her feet. “Anyway, we both need to get to bed. I’m gonna hate myself in the morning if I don’t go to sleep – “ She checked her watch. “ – thirty minutes ago.”

“As opposed to how you USUALLY are in the mornings?”

“It gets so much worse than you know.”

“Well, that’s not reassuring,” XR told her, completely casual now. “Meanwhile, you know the drill. Don’t need sleep; still love it.”

She nodded. Then said “Goodnight” as though that were in any way sufficient to close out the situation that had just taken place.

Rachel turned to walk away when she heard it:

“Hey. Rach.”

She turned back to see XR regarding her with a look of concern this time; a mirror image of the incident that had begun the conversation.

“It hit me that you figured all this stuff out about ME because you were reminded of YOU,” he pointed out. “How messed up are YOU? For lack of a better term, of course.”

She bristled. “Enough.”

“And who do YOU talk to about it?”

“No one,” she admitted. “But it’s fine. I’m an old pro at this.”

“Oh, reeeeaaaaally.” The skepticism dripped.

“Who am I even gonna talk to?” Rachel asked, half hoping against hope –

“Well, they do say turnabout is fair play,” XR told her. “You COULD unload all your sorrows on your local sympathetic robot.”

As absolutely wonderful as that sounded, Rachel had to call it out for the pipe dream it was. “You don’t really wanna talk about my issues. I know you’re just trying to be a good friend, and probably get me to talk you up about being such a good friend, but you don’t want to. Not really. And that’s fine. You don’t have to. You’re a good friend for other reasons. I’m the hear-you-out-on-your-vents friend. You’re the pull-elaborate-stunt-to-get-me-un-fired friend. It’s fine.”

“Oh, yeah?” XR retorted. “You think I can’t handle your problems? Try me.”

Well, now Rachel realized she’d challenged him to prove his worth, and he wasn’t going to back down. “Another time,” she told him, vowing to herself to never let him know when she was having such troubles. “It’s late o’clock right now, and I just want to go to sleep.” By which she meant push her curfew another hour and a half reading fanfictions and critical analyses.

“Just know I’m here when you need me,” XR stated, all too boastfully. He couldn’t be honest about this, Rachel worried.

“And I’m here when you need me,” she replied, meaning it deeply. “Whenever.”

I’d probably do way too much for you, she added internally. I like you so much. I need you to be okay.

“Now GOODNIGHT,” she asserted as she turned on a heel and briskly strode off to her barrack.

XR watched her practically speeding away, still not really able to move on from what had just happened. He was trusting her with a lot now, but he knew she was exactly the right person for that, regardless of venom swapped between them in the past. He was perhaps just a little more fond of her now – not romantically, not in the way she’d have wanted, but he still had no clue of that.

It was just a very, very good thing XL hadn’t blown her up.

XR now made direct tracks for his storage unit, resolving to forget about all he’d said and all she’d listened to but immediately replaying the conversation in his mind, word-for-word, ten times at least.

#selfship #electric love #xrach

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franeridart · 6 years

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Oh man, I'm just imagining that there's so many close brushes with kiribaku almost realizing or almost being in positions to find out that the other is a vigilante-- an injury and no way to get into contact with Jack or Mina-- a rainstorm washing Kiri's dye away on the job. I think it'd be especially funny if he thought for a minute that Kiri was bleeding but then Kiri is like "UH GOTTA GO ITS NOT BLOOD" and he realizes it's red hair dye

Oh Kirishima sort of already suspects it’s Bakugou - more or less? He’s in the process of starting to suspect it, at least lol for being someone who really doesn’t want to be found out Bakugou’s more carefree in his disguise than Kirishima is (his hair is a pretty obvious giveaway, for example, thought Bakugou relies a lot on the ‘attacking and running’ strategy, so in his mind all he gotta do is just not be seen by anyone at all lol) compared to Kiri he gets bruised and beaten up way more too (Kiri’s hardening makes it easy for him to avoid that in general) - Kiri’s noticing Bakugou’s bruises and his vigilante friend’s bruises match up a whole damn lot, so he’s starting to figure that one out

Bakugou’s a dumbass tho (read: he doesn’t really look at people he isn’t particularly interested in) so for him it’s gonna take a while haha

Anon said: If in vigilantes au Bakugou and jirou are just friends why do they live together and hug like a couple?

They’re best friends, and sometimes when your best friend is going through a real rough heartbreak and he’s in literal tears over it, you might be nice enough to offer your back for him to hide his face in and let him pretend he isn’t currently breaking down on you. Sometimes, you like a person in a platonic way enough to emotionally support them as best as you can when they’re at their lowest. It. Sort of happens between best friends, now and again. You don’t really need to want in someone’s pants to care about them.

They live together cause they started working together as vigilantes when they were in high school, and once they moved up to college they found it a good idea to have someone back home who knew about what they were doing to treat eventual wounds, since they can’t go to the hospital! Also the rent is cheaper this way

Anon said:Can you draw more comics of childhood kiribaku? You’re art is sooo cute 💓

It’s something I’ve regularly kept on going back on for years by now, so sure, it’ll probably happen! And thank you!

Anon said:OH MY GOD. Please tell me you will make an official webcomic of your Vigilante AU. It’s so beautiful, cute and I definitely need more of this. It’s like a drug that I did not know I needed until I read your concept(????). BTW, your art is soooo pretty. Thank you so much for drawing KiriBaku ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

Ahhh I’m really happy to hear you like it! For personal reasons I’ve decided that making a cohesive, coherent succession of comics isn’t something I want to do, but I think I’ll draw more of that AU soon enough, snapshots and things like that! I hope that’s good enogh for you~

Anon said:May I request a pissed kiri??

Didn’t I draw that less than 10 posts ago

Anon said:Hey, I rlly admire you! I wish we were friends, you seem rlly nice!!

Thank you!!! The few close friends I have might tell you I’m actually not that great at the whole friends thing, but I appreciate the feeling a lot! :D

Anon said:Were Kirishima’s eyes red in the last panel of the last comic??

Yep :( he really does like Bakugou, after all

Anon said:I saw you answering the other anon and if I may ask, why posting the gem au was a big mistake? Were pol rude with you? If it’s so, I’m sorry abt it

Anon said:You said that posting your SU AU stuff was the biggest mistake you ever made… is it because of something that we, as viewers and worshippers of your KiriBaku (damn, I’ll never stop telling you it’s cute and adorable and it hurts but it’s also sweet), can help NOT doing? Or is there anything we can do?

It’s okay, it just got in the hands of people who don’t particularly like Bakugou, and these people started talking about the AU in less than nice terms, which was honestly pretty ridiculous and made me wonder how people can survive being alive on this earth when they consider Steven Universe sensitive material but either way it brought around in my activities a bunch of people I would have preferred not to interact with ever, and that sort of took the fun out of the AU? Now every time I think about drawing for it those people come back up in my head and I get annoyed all over again, it’s no fun

Anon said:are you still doing the fusion au? id love to see kaminari and shinsou

I’m not, sorry! Though someone did ask about baku and mineta and I’ve been thinking about drawing that horrible monster since then, and I’ve also been wanting to redesign the krbk fusion, so maybe I might get back to it ??? I’ll add shin*kami to the list haha

Anon said:I really like the relationship Jack and Bakugou have, and the angst is nice too! I really like the vigilatne AU! I hope we can see more of it, only if you feel like it of course!

Thank you so much ;;;

Anon said:Silly question. If Kirishima activated his quirk being in water. Would he float like wood, or he’d drown like a rock? >//w//

Oh, I’m pretty sure he’d go down since his quirk makes him into a rock haha

Anon said:I think this is around the eighth anonymous ask I send you, but being a porn-making Tumblr user, it’s better if I don’t go public. I just wanted to say, once again, that I love your KiriBaku, it makes me both ache and feel so warm and fuzzy inside; but right now, the focus is that Bakugou’s crying face against Jack’s back is just so good, expressive and painful. I often hate his guts, but yours I can never hate. And the sheer intensity of that expression, and the environment too… so many feels

Aw, thank you!!! I’m glad I can make you enjoy my fav character, anon :D !!

Anon said:I have a question about the vigilante AU. What’s the relationship between jirou and bakugou? Because they don’t look like just friends

Why don’t they look like just friends tho

Anon said:Hypothetically. How would Bakugou react (or what would he do) if Kirishima stopped showing interest in him?

Are we talking about a specific AU or is this meant for the canon universe? Well, either way I’d say he’d be pretty hurt, but it’s not like he can force Kirishima to like him can he. Ah, in the vigilantes AU he’d probably think it’s for the best even if he’d hurt a lot over it, but in canon and most other AUs I like to think he’d try to fix it somehow? Unless he has other reasons to not act on his feelings for Kirishima… gosh this is a vague question, there are so many possibilities really!

Anon said:🧡Hi Fran! I’m pretty sure you’re the one who introduced this concept to me so I wanted to say thanks! Touch starved Bakugou and super cuddly Bakugou are totally my fave, especially when you have him all curled up with Jirou! Having them be Mina and Kiri level besties makes so much sense and I love you for introducing that thought to me!!!🧡

I’m!!!!!!!!!!! so happy to hear that!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;O;

Anon said:in your vigilante au, Kiri has a scar, does Bakugo ever notice the scar?(curious if it reminds him of Red or nah, love yur art btw~~

When he’s not doing vigilantes work it’s actually hidden by the hair, so Bakugou never noticed! But if he were to notice he’d probably mark it down as a Kiri thing and leave it at that, as I said he’s not the most observant when he’s not particularly interested in someone so he hasn’t really registered it on Red’s face anyway haha

Anon said:I RLLY LOVE YOUR AU!! I haven’t found an AU in this fandom I’m rlly into but THIS IS SOCUTE??? will there be more?

Heck I sure hope so!! Thank you for liking it!!!

Anon said:hey for the anon you were looking for an outrageous ship to draw to test out their theory, try Tokoyami and Link (legend of Zelda link) cuz I just saw cosplayers of them hardcore dancing at dragoncon and I die every time I think about it. You can find a video of it on quirk-registration-office

…………………..I’m probably never gonna draw that ngl LMAO BUT this ask made me wanna draw Tokoyami as a Rito so I guess that’s ???? something that might happen instead heck that’s a good concept I should have thought about earlier

Anon said:I absolutely love your art its soon amazing and I really like the vigilantly au but take care of yourself okay

I dunno what I did to make you worry about me but thank you so much for it? I’ll try my best !!!! And thank you for liking my doodles too!!! ;^;

Anon said:Do you know about any fanfics based in your art?? (Idk if that’s grammatically correct sorry 😅)

Hmmmmmmmmmm there are a few but the only one that comes to mind right now is such a funny pair !!! boy ellen’s fics are always so damn amazing, I still can’t believe she wrote for me ;^;

#fran answers #inbox will stay closed still for a while #sorry! ;;;;#anonymous

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ddaengjo · 5 years

Text

love me like you do ┊ hwang hyunjin

genre: best friends to lovers au, fluff, angst

pairing: reader x hyunjin

warnings: cursing, drinking, infinity war spoilers

summary: you had been best friends with hwang hyunjin since grade school. you both knew each other like the back of your hand, and you shared everything with one another. in fact, all your friends joked that you’d eventually get married, settle down, and have five kids. of course, the both of you just saw that as funny, since you were both currently dating other people. but that was before everything became a complete mess.

author’s note: this is my first fic! i hope you all like it, because i definitely enjoyed writing it. (p.s. ― i use all lowercase when not writing formally, but in all my writing pieces i make sure to capitalize and use proper grammar!)

You're the light, you’re the night You’re the color of my blood You’re the cure, you’re the pain You’re the only thing I wanna touch Never knew that it could mean so much, so much

It was the sound of your phone buzzing loudly that woke you up at 2:30 a.m., groggy and angry and ready to fight the world. You groped around your bedside table, trusting your fingers rather than your sleep-blurred eyesight ― considering you were already myopic to the point that you could barely see something three feet away without your glasses on, you could trade eyesight with a bat and still be better off at this early hour. After a long while of uncomfortable straining, you finally sighed in victorious relief, your fingers closing around the smooth case of your phone. Dropping it onto your pillow beside you, you squinted at the bright screen, trying to adjust to the sudden burst of light in the dark room. You swiped your finger across the screen, unlocking it, and opened your texts to find new messages from your best friend, Hyunjin.

[2:30 a.m.] Y/N Y/N Y/N

You groaned, rolling your eyes and falling back against the pillows, debating on whether to answer his text or just leave him on read. Your innate sense of compassion (Hyunjin always swore that you were nothing but Satan, while everyone else who WASN’T your best friend since grade school and DIDN’T clown you for a living always called you a sweetheart) won the battle, and you ended up answering. But that didn’t mean you were going to play nice.

[2:33 a.m.] hwang hyunjin you better have a good reason for this because if i weren’t so fucking tired i’d punch you in your perfect teeth.

[2:38 a.m.] aw good morning to you too 💖💖💖 i’ve been up all night trying to make a head or tail of this history project and it just makes NO SENSE UGH Y/N I NEED YOUR GENIUS INTELLECT RIGHT NOW AND RIGHT HERE

[2:42 a.m.] i absolutely hate you and your procrastinating ass.

[2:43 a.m.] says the queen of procrastinating herself 💀💀

[2:45 a.m.] YOU WOKE ME UP AT 2:30 AM YOU ASSHOLE SO STOP CLOWNING ME OR I’M MUTING YOUR NOTIFS AND LEAVING YOU ON READ 💀💀

[2:47 a.m.] FINE FINE JUST COME HELP ME

[2:48 a.m.] i’m too lazy to get out of bed so i’m just gonna skype you. but dw, you’ll still feel the salt coming off me when i talk 😘😘

[2:50 a.m.] y/n you beautiful wonderful human being i love you so much i’d throw myself under a truck for you.

[2:53 a.m.] lmao don’t let minjoo hear you say that unless you want her to actually throw ME under a truck buddy 😉

You couldn’t help smiling; it was impossible for you to stay angry at someone as goofy and vibrant as Hyunjin, especially because you knew him so well and for so long. You didn’t really care that you were wearing just a strap-sleeved tank top and shorts, or that you had a bedhead; Hyunjin had seen you in far worse states, like when you were in the fourth grade and had the stomach flu for a month. That was bad. You closed your texts, opening Skype instead, and clicked the very first contact, waiting for Hyunjin to pick up your video call. He picked up right on the second ring, grinning ear to ear; he was wearing his “I ❤️ NY” shirt, his favorite gray hoodie, and khaki shorts, not to mention the goofy smile he always wore when talking to you.

“How’s Satan doing today?” he joked immediately, his face lighting up at the sight of you. His eyes twinkled with mischief as you rolled your eyes.

“Just fine, thanks,” you grumbled. “As great as one could be at almost 3 o’clock in the morning, when even the BIRDS aren’t awake.”

“For all it counts, I think your hair seems to be doing great at almost 3 o’clock in the morning,” Hyunjin said sagely, nodding his head. “I mean, it’s hiding your devil’s horns really well, and it also doesn’t look like a mama bat had a mental breakdown while making her nest!”

“I hate you.”

Hyunjin pretended to clutch his heart, wounded, despite the grin still playing on his lips. “Aww, Y/N, now you’re just being cruel. You know you don’t mean that.”

As much as you hated to admit it, you knew he was right. And he knew, too, judging by his little smirk. Had you been sitting next to him in person, you’d have thrown a pillow at him by this time.

“All right, what is it you don’t understand?” you asked, rolling your eyes yet again.

“Everything!”

You swallowed the urge to groan loudly. This was going to be one long, long night.

You're the fear, I don't care 'Cause I've never been so high Follow me to the dark Let me take you past our satellites You can see the world you brought to life, to life

You managed to get three hours of sleep that night, thanks to your dumbass of a best friend. He owed you big-time, you thought, sipping your coffee through pursed lips while glaring balefully out the window as you waited for him to show up at your house. You both had walked to school together since you were eight and he was nine; you weren’t planning on stopping that even when you were in college, since you were both hoping to major in some form of art ― he in photography, you in writing ― and attend the same university.

It was 7:30 a.m. when Hyunjin came jogging breathlessly up your driveway and let himself in using the spare key you’d given him. You had half an hour to kill before your bus arrived, so you’d not only made yourself coffee, you’d set a mug on the table for Hyunjin as well. He took it gratefully, crossing the kitchen in a few large strides ― he was a literal ten inches taller than you, with his 5’10” towering over your 5’0” ― to join you by the counter, where he wrapped an arm around your shoulders. To anyone else, it seemed as if you were both dating, but it to you both, it was merely just a gesture of affection between two old friends.

“So, Bigfoot, you took your sweet time getting here,” you commented dryly, looking him up and down with a wry little smirk. Your smile fading, you sipped your slowly cooling coffee and added, “All jokes aside, though, you look God-awful.”

“Thanks.”

“Your dark circles make it look as if you got punched in the eyes by an angry jack-in-the-box, and you’re looking pretty pale in the face,” you said bluntly, shaking your head. “Hyunjinnie, you’re driving yourself crazy. When you’re not staying up late for music lessons and photography projects, you’re staying up late doing your homework. You have to get more sleep.”

“Yeah, about that…” He ran a hand through his hair, rubbing the back of his neck absently as his eyes met yours. He guided you over to the couch, sinking into the seat next to you as he continued. “I’m sorry about last night. I know you didn't get much sleep because of me. So, to make it up to you, I called Minjoo and Yongwoon up, and we’re doing a movie night double date at my place. My treat.”

Hyunjin was so considerate. That was one thing that made you love him so much ― he didn’t just throw some fake apology at you and forget about it; he tried to make it up to you in full. He was like that with you, with his girlfriend, with your boyfriend, everyone.

As soon as the wall clock read that it was 8:00, you grabbed Hyunjin’s hand, practically hauling him out of the house as he chuckled, trying to keep pace with you. “Relax, Y/N, the bus is never early!”

“I know, but Yongwoon is!” you panted, skidding to a halt at your bus stop, where your boyfriend was waiting as usual, one hand in his tousled black hair. “Hey, Yong!”

“Y/N! You’re early!” He exclaimed; you caught sight of the odd expression that flitted across his face and realized that you were still holding Hyunjin’s hand. You let go of your best friend’s hand, seeing his girlfriend, Minjoo, standing a little distance away; Hyunjin fist-bumped you as he passed you, greeting his girlfriend with a brief peck on the lips. You turned to your own significant other, who pressed his lips to yours for a moment before asking, a little edgily, “Why were you holding Hyunjin’s hand? Y/N… do you like him?”

There was a long breath of silence after his words. Finally, you began to laugh ― not at him, but because you found his question funny. “Sorry ― sorry, Yong, that was just really funny. Babe, Hyunjin and I are just really good friends. We’ve known each other since our sandbox days! Things like holding hands and hanging out a lot are just… things we’ve been doing for a really, really long time. But it doesn’t change anything for us. We’ve been doing this for over a year, and I love you just the same, see?” You kissed him again, and this time he had no complaints.

As soon as the bus arrived, you scrambled to reserve the back row for yourself, Yongwoon, Hyunjin, and Minjoo; you’d all sat there as a group since freshman year. As usual, you slid into your window seat, with Hyunjin dropping into the one next to yours, as Minjoo and Yongwoon dropped into the seat across the aisle. You didn’t see the look that passed between his girlfriend and your boyfriend because you were too busy looking over Hyunjin’s paper and making small revisions, which were mainly just grammatical errors, since the majority of your cramming session had been last night.

“I think this is good,” you said finally, as the school came into view. The smile Hyunjin gave you was definitely worth all the grumblings and lost sleep; you loved the way his eyes sparkled and crinkled at the corners when he smiled, the way his dimples deepened, and it had been your personal goal since day one of your friendship, when he’d fallen in the sandbox and you’d helped him up, to never let him lose that smile. You were the one who was a year younger than him, but you were also the more protective one in the friendship. It was something people often teased you about, calling you a mother hen, but you wore the title proudly. You were indeed a mother hen when it came to your best friend.

Your first class was history, which you and Hyunjin had together; Yongwoon had psychology, while Minjoo had English, so you waved goodbye, promising to save them seats at lunch. Hyunjin blew an exaggerated kiss at Minjoo, who giggled as you punched him in the shoulder, pretending to gag. “Ugh, look who decided to become Romeo all of a sudden! Come on, lover boy, or we’re gonna be late for class, and I’ll get my first detention because of you.”

“I don’t want to spend the rest of my days in purgatory, if you please, ma’am, so on we go,” Hyunjin said very seriously, earning himself another punch from you. “Ow! You’re short, but you punch like a sumo wrestler! What, did you absorb the soul of a wrestler you reaped, Satan?”

“Ha ha ha, very funny,” you grumbled, sinking into your seat at the back table, across from Hyunjin, right as the bell rang. “I’ll reap your soul if you don’t shut up.”

Even as the lesson went on, you spent the class passing notes and doodling all over each other’s papers, sometimes laughing so hard your teacher, a well-dressed brunette in her early thirties, had to frown in your direction, her finger pressed against her lips in a signal of silence.

That was how every day was, with you both ― it was just you and him. You were the planets; everyone else was just a satellite. You were a technicolor movie; they were just the audience. You and Hyunjin were the world; they were just outer space.

So love me like you do, lo-lo-love me like you do Love me like you do, lo-lo-love me like you do Touch me like you do, to-to-touch me like you do What are you waiting for?

It was on the bus home that you succumbed to the sleep that had been haunting your eyelids since the morning’s coffee had worn off mid-math class. One minute you were arguing with Hyunjin over whether milk or cereal came first (you argued milk, having gotten that habit from your parents, while Hyunjin argued that it was cereal), the next you had nodded off, your petite head on his broad shoulder.

When you came to, it was in a familiar room with soft blue walls and GOT7 posters all over the wall. You sat up, squinting slightly at the pale, watery orange sunlight streaming through the window; the translucent chartreuse curtains were slightly open, showing a rapidly darkening sunset sky in the prettiest pastel shades of blue, pink, and purple. You yawned, stretching your arms, and glanced down; you were still wearing your school clothes, which were now a bit rumpled because you’d slept in them.

“Sleep well, Sleeping Beauty?” You turned your head to see Hyunjin smiling at you from where he sat working at his desk, which was a sea of scattered papers. His glasses reflected a bit of the screen of his laptop and a bit of the sunset, which didn’t seem like a beautiful combination, but somehow, he made it work. He only wore his glasses at home unless he was out of contacts to use, in which case you’d see him wear his glasses to school for about a week before going back to wearing contacts; you stuck with your glasses at all times, mainly because for one, you were terrified of putting something in your eye, and for two, you had awful bags under your eyes, which your glasses did a good job hiding ― or at least keeping anyone from noticing.

You stretched again, comfortable after a few hours of rest. “You bet I did. Like a baby, in fact. How long was I out?”

“It’s 6:05 ― you can do the math.” You could hear the smile in his voice as you took a moment to decipher his words. Then your eyes widened. “I SLEPT FOR THREE HOURS?”

“Don’t worry, you haven’t missed movie night,” Hyunjin promised. “We still have an hour till Minjoo and Yongwoon are supposed to arrive. Do you want to get changed? Maybe take a shower to freshen up?”

“Yeah ― yeah, sounds great,” you said, stretching one last time before swinging your legs out from under the covers, so that you were now sitting on the edge of his bed. “All my stuff is next door, though.”

“You can grab some clothes from my closet,” he offered, smiling in your direction. “Just like when we were kids and your parents were out.”

You got up, shaking out your legs to get some feeling back into them, and opened his closet, choosing a purple tie-dye t-shirt. “I’m wearing shorts under my skirt, anyway, so I’ll just wear this over those,” you explained, and Hyunjin nodded.

The warm water felt like a liquid hug; you spent twenty minutes under the shower before deciding you didn’t want to turn into a living prune. You found, upon wearing it, that Hyunjin’s shirt went to your knees, but what did it matter? It was cozy. You blow-dried your hair, which took another twenty minutes, before pulling it into a loose bun and glancing at the time in your watch ― 6:50 p.m., which meant Minjoo and Yongwoon would be here soon. You noticed that the light in Hyunjin’s room was now off; he must be downstairs, you realized, so you descended the stairs, knowing from the rising aroma of hot chocolate that you’d find him in the kitchen. He glanced up at the sound of your footsteps, his face lighting up with a smile as his eyes fell on you. “You look adorable. Purple is definitely your color.”

“And you look suspicious. Who are you and what have you done with Hwang Hyunjin?” you snorted, amused. “I was expecting you to clown me for how big this shirt looks on me.”

He chuckled, turning back to the stove for a moment before placing a snowflake-printed mug on the counter in front of you. “Hot cocoa?”

“Thanks!” You took the mug gratefully, blowing on the steaming liquid for a few minutes before taking a sip, appreciating the feeling of the chocolatey, sugary sweetness, mixed with a hint of cinnamon and the creaminess of whipped cream, sliding down your throat. You had just taken another sip when the doorbell rang, prompting you to move towards the door, the hot cocoa mug still in your hand. You opened it to find Yongwoon, holding a bouquet of red roses.

“Hey! You’re…” You glanced at your watch, which read that it was 6:55 p.m. “...Five minutes early! Oh my gosh, are those for me?”

“Yes, they are!” He handed you the bouquet, grinning ear to ear, until his eyes took in what you were wearing. His smile faded slightly as he added, “Is that one of Hyunjin’s, Y/N?”

“Wha ― oh, yeah ― yeah, it is,” you said, a little surprised by the question.

“She fell asleep on the bus,” Hyunjin explained, “and since she lost sleep because of me, I felt bad waking her up. So I just carried her here and let her rest up in my room while I did my homework. When she woke up, she wanted to shower, and we realized she didn’t have a change of clothes, so I let her borrow one of my shirts.”

“I see.” Yongwoon’s lips had tightened considerably at this, but he didn’t say anything. In fact, he didn’t say anything till Minjoo arrived, about fifteen minutes after him; it was just you and Hyunjin chattering away over your hot cocoa until that time.

By the time she’d arrived, Hyunjin had gotten a huge bucket of buttered popcorn ready. He had four cushions ready on the ground for everyone, but you didn’t need your cushion; you just sat down in front of Hyunjin, your head in his lap, as you grabbed a handful of popcorn, munching contentedly as your boyfriend and his girlfriend came to join you on either side. Yongwoon imitated you, grabbing his own handful of the buttery, salty popcorn, while Minjoo was more refined, choosing to take the occasional two pieces of popcorn from time to time.

“What do you guys want to watch?” Hyunjin asked, wrapping an arm around your shoulders as he leaned back, propping himself up with one elbow.

“American Horror Story,” Yongwoon volunteered immediately, earning himself identical protests from you, Hyunjin, and Minjoo. He conceded defeat, grumbling to himself before falling silent and waiting for one of you to make a choice.

“Titanic?” Minjoo suggested, earning herself a loud yawn from Yongwoon and an identical groan of rejection from yourself and Hyunjin. Her expression became a sulky one, which made all three of you laugh.

“Avengers: Infinity War?” you suggested. Hyunjin nodded enthusiastically; you two were pretty much the biggest Marvel nerds around.

“Are you sure you’re not going to soak my sleeve in tears again?” Hyunjin asked teasingly. “Remember last time, when you were bawling so hard I was afraid I’d have to pull a Noah and ark my way outta there?”

You turned and sat up to glare at him, indignant. “You were crying, too!”

He blushed, ducking his head in embarrassment. “Okay, okay, fair point. Any objections?”

Minjoo was too sulky to say anything, while Yongwoon was just too whipped for you to say a word against your wishes.

“All right! Infinity War it is,” Hyunjin declared, pulling you more closely into his lap before positioning himself comfortably, half sitting and half lying against his cushion as he tossed some more popcorn into his mouth, searching through Amazon Prime Video till he found it. Then he hit play, wrapped one arm around you, and sat back to enjoy the movie.

Fading in, fading out On the edge of paradise Every inch of your skin is a holy gray I've got to find Only you can set my heart on fire, on fire Yeah, I'll let you set the pace 'Cause I'm not thinking straight My head spinning around I can't see clear no more What are you waiting for?

Two hours and forty minutes later, you and Hyunjin were clinging to each other and sobbing your eyes out, your shoulders a mess of each other’s tears, snot, and drool. It would have been disgusting if this weren’t your usual movie-watching ritual ― you two were the sensitive ones, and if anything remotely sad were to happen in a movie, the room would be flooded within the next five minutes as you clung to each other and wept as if your hearts would break.

“I thought you said you’d be okay this time,” Hyunjin sobbed, wiping his eyes on the hem of his sleeve as he crushed you in a hug.

“I’m never emotionally prepared enough for that movie,” you sobbed back, mimicking him and wiping your eyes on the edge of your sleeve ― or at least trying to as best you could through his bone-crushingly tight embrace.

On your left, Minjoo was just staring blankly at the screen as if not sure of what to do in terms of a reaction, while Yongwoon, on your right, had his lips pursed and his fists clenched. “Damned Marvel,” he growled, shaking his fist. “Killing off Black Panther like that… that’s not fair.”

“Groot had such a bright future ahead of him,” Hyunjin hiccuped miserably, reaching for the popcorn, which was running dangerously low.

“I agree,” you sniffled. “Man, Bucky never deserves the shit he gets. He was captured by the Nazis, fell off a mountain, lost an arm, got frozen and experimented on by HYDRA, became their brainwashed puppet, killed a bunch of people, accidentally tore apart the Avengers, got frozen over again, and then right when he was spending a peaceful time in Wakanda he got drawn into the fighting and then h-he just goes ‘Steve…’ and fades away and just...” You broke down again, prompting a wince from Yongwoon and an eye roll from Minjoo.

“I know,” Hyunjin lamented, patting your back reassuringly. “Well… that was fun, right?”

“Right,” Yongwoon said unconvincingly, his eyes narrowing slightly at the sight of Hyunjin’s strong arms drawing you more tightly into an embrace. You two had been nothing but skinship since the beginning of the evening ― or, if you counted the hand-holding in the morning, since the beginning of the day ― and he was beginning to feel a bit threatened by the boy you called your closest friend. He felt threatened, jealous, every time your fingers tangled together, every time your eyes met, every time you laughed at something he said, every time you gazed at him as if he was the only boy in the world. It was getting harder and harder for him to believe you every time you declared yourself and Hyunjin “just friends”.

He didn’t like it at all.

Minjoo smiled thinly, her smile not quite meeting her movie-star eyes with their perfectly done makeup. “It was lovely.”

She, too, felt a surge of wicked jealousy every time you and Hyunjin were together. It hadn’t bothered her as much at first, but now, it was almost all she thought about. The way he smiled at you, as if there was nothing and no one more important. The way he always jumped to choose you anytime anything ― a game, a project, anything at all ― involved a partner. The way he didn’t seem to care when you saw him in his glasses, but almost always avoided wearing them around her. The way he always chose yours whenever he needed a shoulder to cry into.

The way he felt so distant from her, even if he was next to her, and yet so close to you, even when you were apart.

And she hated it.

As Yongwoon left, he turned to press his lips against yours for a long moment, the intensity almost double that of any normal kiss of yours. He stole a glance at Hyunjin, who simply smiled a bright smile at him before brushing Minjoo’s lips with his and waving goodbye as she left. “I love you, Y/N,” he whispered, stepping out into the night.

“Hey, Y/N, want to stay over for the night?” Hyunjin asked. You smiled apologetically. “Nah, I wish I could, but Mom and Dad are going to video call to check in with me in about half an hour. I have to make dinner before getting started on my homework.”

“I could join you,” Hyunjin offered, his eyes lighting up. “And, to make up for last night, I can help you with homework today!”

“Hwang Hyunjin, you legend, you’re so amazing that I could 10/10 kiss you,” you declared.

He laughed, rumpling your hair gently. “You already did once, remember? Spin the bottle, seventh grade. You were my first kiss, Y/N!”

“Oh, yeah! That girl from the classroom next door, the one who kept ogling at you, looked like she was ready to pee herself!” you snickered, choking on your own laughter and erupting in a fit of coughing that left tears in your eyes; Hyunjin rubbed circles on your back soothingly, hoping to ease the coughs. Once he deemed it safe to leave your side, he hurried back into the kitchen to grab you a glass of water, which you took and gulped down gratefully. “Thanks, Hyunjinnie.”

“Don’t worry about it. And be more careful,” he scolded, earning an amused eye roll from you.

“See you tomorrow? Noon at that bubble tea place down the block?”

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

“Good night, Hyunjinnie.”

As you left, he watched you, his fingers tingling where yours had been resting against them just a moment earlier, realizing how much you’d grown up… and wondering how he’d grown lucky enough to have you by his side during all these years.

Love me like you do, lo-lo-love me like you do Love me like you do, lo-lo-love me like you do Touch me like you do, to-to-touch me like you do What are you waiting for?

Love me like you do, lo-lo-love me like you do (like you do) Love me like you do, lo-lo-love me like you do (yeah) Touch me like you do, to-to-touch me like you do What are you waiting for?

He didn’t fail to meet you the next day ― in fact, he was early, waiting for you at an outdoor table as you arrived, wearing a mint-green hoodie and black yoga pants, your hair tied back in a neat ponytail.

“Hey, Sasquatch,” you called jokingly, and his glance snapped up from his phone to you, his eyes brightening and the corners of his full, rich coral-pink lips tugging themselves upwards into a bright grin.

“Y/N! Nice hoodie, the color suits you,” he exclaimed, tilting his head slightly to the side as he added, “is it new? I’ve never seen you wear it before.”

“Yeah, I bought it last week,” you said, feeling a rush of warmth rise in your chest at the fact that he’d noticed that small detail. He really did pay attention to everything.

“I love the color. Does it come in men’s?”

“Not sure. I’ll check, though ― we can go together, sometime tonight or tomorrow.”

“Sounds like a plan!” he declared, then glanced at the menu card in front of him. “I’m guessing you want your usual coconut milk tea, Y/N?”

“Yep, that’s me. Boring and predictable, like the old granny I am at heart,” you quipped, earning yourself another laugh from your companion.

“Predictable, maybe, since I’ve known you for so long,” Hyunjin agreed. “But boring? No way. You could never be boring, Y/N, no matter how long I’ve known you.”

You felt the color rising in your cheeks as you flushed pleasurably at your best friend’s compliment, which meant a lot more to you than he could imagine. “You’re sweet.”

His grin melted your heart as you grabbed the menu. “Let me guess ― you want the watermelon bubble tea. Again.”

“Why, Y/N,” Hyunjin gasped mockingly, his eyes widening, “however did you know?”

“Gee, I don’t know,” you said sarcastically, shrugging. “Maybe because you decided to even dress like a freaking watermelon for Halloween? And because you completely weeded that bag of Dum-Dums ― the one you were supposed to be handing out to the trick-or-treaters ― of watermelon lollipops? I could hear the kids complaining all the way down the street!”

“Okay, okay, Y/N,” he admitted, going red in the face. “You… kind of have a point there.”

You sat back with a triumphant smirk, which earned a grin from Hyunjin; within the minute, you both had begun to laugh hopelessly, till tears of mirth gathered themselves in both of your eyes and your sides ached with laughter.

After you’d both gotten your bubble teas, you sat for a while in silence. But it wasn’t the awkward silence that needed an ice-breaker; it was a comfortable silence, where neither of you needed to say anything to enjoy the moment spent in the other’s company.

You were the one who finally broke the silence. “Hey, Hyunjinnie, do you want to try a sip of my bubble tea? I realize, in all the times we’ve come here, you’ve never tried the coconut milk tea, while I’ve never tried the watermelon tea.”

“Sounds fun!” Hyunjin unhesitatingly leaned over, his cheek brushing against yours, as he took a sip from your straw, letting the new flavor soak onto his tongue for a moment before nodding his approval, his eyes lighting up. “Holy moly ― this is good! You have good taste, Y/N!”

You smirked at him before leaning across the table to take a sip of his drink, the watermelon flavor coating your tongue and cooling your throat as you swallowed. “Heck, I could say the same for you, Hyunjin! You might just have passed your obsession with all things watermelon on to me!”

It was a perfect moment, just you and him, peacefully enjoying each other’s company… till the sound of soft sobbing drew your attention away from Hyunjin. Your eyes scanned the bubble tea café till they found the source of the sound.

Minjoo.

And judging by the tears pouring down her face, she’d seen everything.

The color drained from Hyunjin’s face as he jumped up, practically knocking the umbrella off the table as he tried to make his way towards Minjoo, who heaved a sob and took a step back.

“Minjoo!” he yelled. “Minjoo, wait!”

“Minjoo!” You joined him, calling your friend’s name. “Minjoo, it’s not what it looks like!”

“Shit,” Hyunjin muttered. “I’ll… I’ll be back. I’m sorry to cut our outing short, Y/N, but...”

“Go,” you said grimly, your heart hammering with dread as you watched your best friend take off after his girlfriend, only hoping that things would turn out okay.

I'll let you set the pace 'Cause I'm not thinking straight My head spinning around I can't see clear no more What are you waiting for?

This time, when you woke up at 3:00 a.m., it wasn’t because of your phone, which had remained painfully silent all evening, save for a single text from your boyfriend, asking if you were free for a date that night. You’d declined his offer, sick with worry for your best friend’s predicament. He and Minjoo didn’t ever quarrel, and yet, the last you’d seen them, Minjoo was shouting at him, tears rolling down her cheeks, while he pleaded for her understanding.

Icy fear bubbled in your stomach as you lay awake against the pillows; the room felt uncharacteristically cold. You sighed, finally deciding there was no way you could get to sleep with so much worry gnawing at your mind ― maybe a midnight snack would help. You slid out from under the bedcovers, shivering as the cold air touched your bare legs ― you were just wearing shorts and a t-shirt ― and went downstairs into the kitchen, where you rummaged through the refrigerator and pantry, finding absolutely nothing that fit your cravings. You stretched, going to change clothes into a pink hoodie and black leggings, pulling your hair into a messy ponytail before grabbing your purse, pulling your car keys from them as you went outside into the driveway, opening the door and getting into your car. You started up the engine, waiting for a few moments as the heater warmed the inside, before reversing out of the driveway and beginning the fifteen-minute drive to the local Lotte.

The classical music playing over the stereo did nothing to ease your nagging worry, and all the way there, nausea roiled in your stomach like a vat of acid. You arrived in the parking lot of the supermarket, locking your car before entering the store and going straight to the dairy aisle, grabbing yourself five small bottles of your favorite brand of strawberry milk and paying for them quickly before hurrying outside again, the cover on your arm. You got back into your car, slamming the door shut, and left the parking lot, embarking on your return journey. About five minutes had passed when you suddenly screeched to a halt, pulling over abruptly, the color draining from your face.

A tall figure was staggering around on the curb, a bottle in hand. A very familiar tall figure. Your blood turned to ice as you recognized Hyunjin.

You’d never seen him drunk like this. Come to mention it, you’d never even seen him touch any remotely alcoholic beverage. You got out of your car, your heart pounding more wildly than it had ever pounded in your life, running to meet the boy with a tight hug.

“Hyunjin!” you cried, mingled pain and relief in your tone as you crushed him in a hug, aware that you were shaking from head to toe ― whether it was with anger or fear, you weren’t sure. Probably a mix of both, to be honest.

“Hey… hey, Y/N,” Hyunjin slurred unsteadily, staggering and practically half collapsing on you, leaving you struggling for a minute with the task of supporting his larger weight. He smiled an unfocused smile down at you, wiping the wetness from his eyes. “Whatcha doin’ awake at this late hour, Y/N?”

“I could ask you the same,” you said anxiously, your pulse thrumming with worry. “What happened to you? I’ve never seen you drink before, and suddenly you’re holding a beer bottle and rambling around, punch-drunk, on the streets at…” You glanced at your watch. “...3:15 a.m. Hyunjin, what the fuck is going on here? Where were you? Why didn’t you answer my calls?”

“Minjoo broke up with me.” The boy’s voice was slurred with drinking, his balance completely off-kilter; he sank against you, his tears wetting the collar of your hoodie. “She left me, Y/N. She said she was done, that we were over.”

You were aware that you, too, were crying: crying for the horrible state you’d found your best friend in, for the blame you were allotting to yourself ― crying, mostly, because Hyunjin was crying, and his tears hurt worse than anything.

“Hyunjin,” you whispered, sinking to your knees and letting the male sag against you, his head nestling into your shoulder as he hiccuped and cried as if his heart would break ― which it already had, that night. You wrapped your arms around him, rubbing his back soothingly as he cried it all out, till he had no tears left in him to cry, numb at last.

“Come on,” you murmured, guiding an unprotesting Hyunjin into your car, helping him buckle himself into the passenger seat as you drove home, the quiet classical music and the feeling of your sleeping best friend’s head on your shoulder giving you an odd tingling feeling.

Once you got home, you gently shook Hyunjin awake, letting him use you as a support for his terrible balance. He didn’t shake you off, letting you guide him upstairs and into your room, where you let him grab a change of clothes (you left the room while he changed, coming back in as soon as he gave you the thumbs-up) before collapsing onto your bed. You would have let him use the guest room, but, truth be told, you wanted to keep your eye on him, too scared that he’d do something stupid again. So you went into the bathroom, changing into your typical t-shirt and shorts, before collapsing on the bed beside him, exhausted from the day’s events.

“Y/N?” You couldn’t stop the tear that slipped down your cheek at the sound of Hyunjin’s tired voice, which sounded less slurred and more… him. He scooted towards you, gently tugging your shoulder so you were now facing him, and brushed the tear from your lashes, wiping away the glittering trail the tear had left on your skin.

“Y/N, I’m sorry,” he whispered, wrapping his arms tightly around you, an embrace you returned with just as much fervor. “I’m really, really sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry,” you choked out, the guilt overpowering you. “It’s my fault Minjoo broke up with you. She didn’t like how much time we spent together.”

Hyunjin shook his head. “No, Y/N, this is not your fault. I should have been clearer with her, and anyway...” He hesitated, continuing, “...Maybe it’s not all bad.”

Your eyes widened with surprise. “What?”

Hyunjin flushed slightly. “This might just be the alcohol talking, Y/N… I don’t know anymore. But when you were holding me on the curb, I could feel you shaking. I could hear you crying. And I was getting my snot and drool and tears all over you, and by that time, you probably reeked of alcohol as much as I did. But you still held me. Minjoo… probably wouldn’t have.”

“Come on, I’m sure she―”

“No, Y/N,” Hyunjin interrupted, shaking his head vehemently. “The one time when you were on that family trip in France and I caught the flu, Minjoo came over. She took care of me, but… but I could see the disgust in her eyes every time she saw me throw up or cough up mucus. The one time I cried into her shoulder, she immediately went to change clothes. She’s only there in my highs, Y/N, but you’ve been there all the time. She only knows the happy Hyunjin, but you know the real Hwang Hyunjin.”

“Hyunjin...” Your voice trailed off for a long moment before you managed, “What do you mean?”

“I mean...” Hyunjin took your hands in his larger ones, hesitating for a while before answering, “I mean… or, at least, I think I mean… that in a way, it’s always been you. This was just the universe’s way of showing me. I know I make zero sense, but...”

“No,” you said slowly, his words taking a moment to register. “No, I… I kind of get what you mean.”

Suddenly, it all made sense.

Why Hyunjin and your kiss, all those years ago, had seemed better and more full of life than any that you’d shared with your boyfriend.

Why the first person you called up whenever you found yourself free ― or needed to spill some news ― was Hyunjin, not your own boyfriend.

Why, even if you were spending the entire day out with your boyfriend, you had to steal into the bathrooms at least once to hear Hyunjin’s voice on the phone for at least five minutes.

Why skinship with Hyunjin felt so much natural and easier than skinship with Yongwoon.

Why everyone naturally assumed you two were a couple.

Maybe it was because deep down, that was what you were ― the only difference was that you’d both labeled the feeling as the wrong one, assuming that you were just best friends and remaining oblivious not only to the other’s feelings, but to your own.

“Hyunjin… I’ve spent so many days wondering why none of the kisses I’ve shared with Yongwoon have even come close to matching the one we shared in the seventh grade,” you admitted. “I guess it’s because they were missing the one key ingredient: spark. I won’t deny that I really like Yongwoon ― or, at least, I did, at the beginning ― but he’s just… not right for me, and I’m shocked it took this long for me to realize. He was always trying to steal me away from you, keep you away when we were both together, while you were always ready to share me with him… all to keep me happy.”

“Y/N...” Before you knew it, Hyunjin was leaning closer, and so were you, and you didn’t know how it happened, but suddenly, your lips were pressed against his, and there it was, that spark, the one you hadn’t felt against your lips for five years.

As you both pulled away, you realized the words didn’t need to be said ― the kiss had spoken volumes more than those three simple words. That was the lovely thing about gestures ― they could explain things in ways much more nuanced than even a dictionary.

That night, you fell asleep in Hyunjin’s arms, your legs tangled with his, your heartbeats synchronizing.

Love me like you do, lo-lo-love me like you do (like you do) Love me like you do, lo-lo-love me like you do (yeah) Touch me like you do, to-to-touch me like you do What are you waiting for?

You woke up to the warm sunlight filtering through your window; that was, by far, the most peaceful sleep you’d gotten in the last few days. You stretched, yawning appreciatively, before your eyes fell on the still-sleeping form of Hwang Hyunjin beside you. You smiled fondly, pressing a kiss to his forehead ― he stirred slightly, the corners of his lips quirking upwards ever so slightly ― before slipping out from under the bedcovers, going downstairs to make yourself and Hyunjin some coffee. Right as you’d finished pouring the two mugs, your doorbell rang; you went to open the door, your mug of coffee in hand, and saw Yongwoon standing there, smiling a little sheepishly. “Oh. Hey.”

“I was worried about you,” Yongwoon said, launching right into it with no prior greeting. “You haven’t been yourself lately ― you keep refusing dates, you don’t answer my texts quickly ― I’m worried about you, Y/N.”

Footsteps made you both turn around; Hyunjin was coming downstairs, looking tired but much refreshed after having showered and changed clothes. His smile made your breath hitch; it was funny how liking someone made them even more attractive in your eyes, because before, you’d been able to notice how pretty his smile was, but now, it was as if you’d forgotten, or never fully appreciated, how breathtakingly stunning it was.

Yongwoon’s smile had faded, and he was studying Hyunjin with a frown, furrowing his brow. “Why is he here, Y/N?”

“He stayed the night. He wasn’t… feeling the best, so I thought it best if I took care of him.” Your tone made it clear you weren’t taking any arguments, which simply made your boyfriend even more uneasy.

“I don’t like it,” he said abruptly. “I don’t like it at all, Y/N. I know you call him your ‘best friend’, but as your boyfriend, I don’t like the idea of you being home alone with another guy. I won’t let you―”

“Let me? Let me?” Your eyes widened with incredulity; the anger that burned in their depths caused him to take a step back, surprised. “I only meant―”

“No, I’ve heard enough,” you decided. “You sound like my grandpa. My annoying, patriarchal grandpa.”

“Y/N―”

“This isn’t working.”

He froze, staring at you for some hint that this was just a joke, maybe a very, very early April Fools’ prank. When he saw nothing except seriousness on your face, he managed, blankly, “Y/N, I―”

“Look. Don’t get me wrong, there was a point where I really, really liked you. But that was before I realized, whatever else we had, there was no spark.”

“Y/N!” he protested, taking a step towards you. You took a step back, shaking your head quite calmly ― you didn’t know where all this calmness was coming from, but you were glad for it.

“I want you to be happy,” you said finally. “I don’t think I’m the answer to that. And I don’t think you’re my answer, either. I’m doing this for the both of us. It’d be nice if we could stay friends, but… that’s up to you.”

Yongwoon looked from Hyunjin to you, the realization dawning in his eyes, which flared with anger. He shook his head, simply leaving the house; after a moment, he turned around, pausing, his eyes slightly wet with the reality that he wasn’t yours anymore ― and hadn’t been, for a while. “I don’t know about that, Y/N.”

You hesitated for a long, long while. “Bye, Yongwoon.”

“Bye, Y/N.”

As soon as he’d left, the tears spilled out; now, it was Hyunjin’s turn to hold you as you cried against him, your tears soaking through the thin fabric of his white t-shirt as he guided you to the couch, his arms tight and warm around you as he held you till you couldn’t cry anymore.

“Thanks, Hyunjinnie,” you whispered, looking up gratefully at him. He brushed away your tears, smiling that signature fond smile he reserved only for you, and placed a warm, soft kiss on your forehead, sending that tingling feeling flooding through your body.

And as the first snow of the year began to fall, outside, you wrapped your arms around his neck, your lips meeting his in a burst of warmth.

“I love you, Hyunjin.”

“I love you more, Y/N.”

“No! Stop that, I love YOU more!”

“Y/N! Gah, stop tickling me! I love you most!”

“Surrender already! You know I love you more than most.”

“Yes… yes, I do.”

#stray kids #skz #stray kids fic #hwang hyunjin #hyunjin #hyunjin fic #hwang hyunjin fic #angst #fluff #best friends to lovers #anki writes

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marshaeb · 3 years

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P.S: I'm Mated With The Cursed Alpha

Chapter Eight

Hey guy! Don’t forget to Like, Comment, Review, and Follow for more updates! My apologies in advance for all the grammatical errors. Book will be professionally edited when completed.

Miserably wretched were the best words to describe me these past three days. Alpha Darius is such an unpredictable case...When you think he could possibly be doing one thing, he’s actually doing the complete opposite.

Ever since he caught me red-handed, I haven’t seen him at all these past few days. At evening times, he wasn’t in his usual spot in the forest, stalking me like the mad man he is. It was awfully weird and stressfully petrifying.

He must have seen the picture... I know he saw it and I know he’s up to something. But the scary part is, I don’t have the slightest clue.

Will he try to harm Jackson? Is that the reason why he suddenly disappeared? Was he out and about looking for him? I just hope not! My heart would literally break into pieces if he does something terrible to him.

I squeezed my eyes shut and took deep breaths to calm my troubling nerves.

Neatly dressed in my colorful scrubs, hair slicked back in a low puff, I stared into the mirror with teary eyes.

Such an unpleasing state to be in now that it’s going to be my first day at the nursery.

Gosh! This is the worst!

Now I have to act like everything’s all fine or else the pups wouldn’t like me...and I’d hate to come to work every day to have to deal with that, plus being stressed out over the big showdown coming on my upcoming birthday. It’s just too much to deal with.

“Joel!” Mom shouted for me downstairs.

She has already prepared breakfast this morning, so I know she’s in a good mood. Normally she’s too busy leading the pack or out on missions to make time to make breakfast.

I know if she even sensed any kind of sourness in me, it will turn her mood off completely.

And Moon goddess if she knows that I’ve carelessly lost my picture of me and Jackson to Alpha Darius, she would lose it completely. If anything, that would be the last thing I would tell her, especially after putting her through so much hell already.

So I wipe my tears away and fan my eyes to cool my stifling nerves as quickly as I can.

Walking down the stairs into the kitchen, the twins were at the counter table, whiles dad sat at the dining. It was where he always sat because it’s high enough to accommodate his wheelchair.

Mom was busy cooking. Frying the third bag of fresh bacon.

“Morning you two!” I said knocking the twins, Sammy and Samantha behind their heads.

I walked over to Dad and kissed him on the cheek.

“And good morning, Alpha,” I said playfully. “Breakfast looks good.”

She smiled at me and handed me my plate. “Here, eat up...it’s nice and hot.” She said.

I looked at my watch and I realized I didn’t have time. “Mom, the nursery starts at 9 am, I don’t have time to stay and eat...”

“That’s fine, as long as you take it with you.” She said.

“I will.”

“Wait...why are you at the nursery?” Samantha asked confusedly as Sammy joined in.

“Yeah, you’re a nurse...” he said.

I looked at them speechlessly than at Mom who seemed a bit put on the spot herself.

They didn’t know the real reason why am at the nursery, and it has to stay that way.

“I-I’m still a nurse...” I said, making everything up as I speak.“It’s only for the experience.”

“Are you...like pregnant or something?” Samantha asked jokingly.

“No!” Mom inserted, “it’s for a course, and mind your manners... When have I taught you to speak that way?”

They both held up their hand to surrender, mumbling beneath their breath.

I nervously cleared my throat and put a cover over my bowl.

“See you guys soon...” I said quickly dashing through the door waving them good-bye.

~~~~~~

So far the nursery was running smoothly. The pups were a bit clingy because they missed their parents but surprisingly enough, I liked it.

I needed some attention and they were giving it all to me. Putting stickers on my face, playing in my puff, embracing me with a countless amount of hugs...it was so therapeutic, but through it all, I was still a bit anxious.

Alpha Darius was really getting a hold of me and I hate it so much! I can’t wrap my head around how he just suddenly, disappeared without a clue as to what he could be plotting against me now that he’s seen that picture.

After putting the pups down to sleep for their naptime, I walked over to the nursery room to check on the sleeping babies. Each of their diapers we’re still in good shape, except for one that was loaded.

I scrunched my nose and gently picked up three-month-old, Daely who was fast asleep. After making a quiet exit out the door, I swear the corner of my eye saw someone walked past. I mean, I thought I did...probably was the shadow of the trees outside.

I took a deep breath, holding little Daely in my arms until I turned and looked through the glass in the door of the day-care room. Alice was the only one sitting up on her sleeping mat.

As I opened the door, she walked over to me and said she needed to ‘go potty’.

Great, that makes two of them now.

As we went into the changing room, I directed her into the bathroom stall with a potty training toilet seat with its stepping stool ladder attached to it.

“Tell me when you’re done, ok Alice,” I said, walking over with Daely to the changing table.

She was still sound asleep. Thank God, but her diaper reeked! I quickly did away with it and changed her up.

That was when the sound of the door opened, but I didn’t look back. It was probably, Ms. Sumter poking her head through each room, making her rounds again. She’s been on me all morning.

“All done,” I said, cradling Daely back into my arms. “Are you done, Alice—

I stopped dead in my tracks...it was as if the wind was knocked right out of me, literally. All I felt was my entire being gradually getting sucked out of my body.

I got to be dreaming... This just has to be a dream.

I took a step back with every step he took towards me as I tried to suppress an ear-screeching scream.

There he was, Alpha Darius...standing right in front of me... wearing a fitted V neck shirt pressed against his bulky biceps. His eyes were dead fixed on me and as I thought, he was furious.

He took another step closer and whispered to me in a dangerously low voice, ”PUT THE BABY DOWN.”

Read Chapter Nine (Click the link below)

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foxy--stoat · 3 years

Text

sorry if this doesn’t make sense

so i’ve been thinking a lot (wow, what a surprise) and idk I feel like i’m not really dealing with things? and I can’t really tell anyone, so what better to do than to tell the entire world completely anonymously, I guess...? I’m really confused. about everything. but here’s my rant (it’s either going to be 10 pages long or 5 sentences, it can go either way)

I feel like I live in the world of my podcasts and books and tv shows because a world where the mayor uses they/them pronouns, and queerness is a given, or a world where hooded figures won’t let you in the dog park and the city council is a large blob of limbs, or where small silver worms can eat your flesh or where people’s boyfriends are empaths or when giant bats live underground, or when every problem can be solved in a 40 minute episode is so much more exciting than my reality! my life is so predictable, just get up, go be in zoom meetings all day, take a walk, practice cello, exercise, and go to bed again. Nothing happens. but in my tv shows, the words “from beneath you it devours” will pop up again and again and every time I’ll get shivers down my spine because I dont’ know what it means and I do and I know that everything will be ok in less than 10 episodes and if I get sad I can push through the pain push hard through the pain till it breaks, but in real life, the monotony of my life, when I push though the pain and fear and doubt and struggle it just slingshots me back a million miles. and I know, that’s just real life. but when you’re a little kid, you read of all these worlds that you can retreat into, so much excitement and wonder, like narnia, or harry potter, or even the underland! but then you realize that it was all in some stranger’s imagination and it will never be real. so you live your life, and every day is a drop of water on a stone, making a difference, but it won’t show until you’re long dead. and maybe one day it will stop. and it will never show. and all you’ll have to show for your infinitely small life is a falling apart family, a sad group of friends who will later turn you into a cautionary tale for their kids about wearing your seatbelt, or looking both ways before you cross the street, and a stack of books. maybe one day they’ll find your tumblr account and if you were still alive they would have scolded you. “clara!” they would say, voice shaking and mind racing as to what could have made their perfectly goody-two-shoes daughter break such obvious rules “why would you do this? you know that you could be catfished or hunted down!” and what they wouldn’t add is “we thought you were better than this. we thought we could count on you but all you did is let us down and now you can’t have friends or your podcasts or your books or tv or your room and all you can do is sit and stare at the wall and agonize over if Buffy ever defeats the first, or what Rita’s last name is, or what Rose’s story is. they’ll not let you hang out with Jane and Liam, even though you haven’t talked to them for ages, because they’re “bad influences” even though all they did was dye their hair and use the occasional curse word and go on twitter.” when I was in third grade, they were glad I made friends with them. that was when liam was still mila. I only had 2 friends, one of which I hated. (she and I were the perfect example of frenemies, but we’ve grown apart now). but now when I want to hang out, maybe go on a masked walk or facetime, my mom is like “why don’t you hang out with vivian instead? or julianne? or literally anyone else besides your stupid idiotic ‘bad influencing’ elementary school friends, despite the fact that you’ve known them since you were 7.” when I talked to the doctor, she asked me if I did drugs or knew anybody who did. I said no, obviously. (I really don’t). then my mom had the audacity to pull me aside for a moment and say “what about jane and mila? (this was before he was liam)” and I got so mad for a moment, because shaving your head and hanging out with people you hadn’t known since kindergarden is apparently evil and if they rub off on me I’ll be a little devil child. ok, this has turned into a rant about something else. I do this a lot. all of my notebooks are full of me starting to write a short story about something and always, without fail, end up being something awful and ranty. if I ever actually finish anything, I’ll share it on here, but I doubt I will.

so anyway, I feel like every episode of every podcast or tv show or every chapter of every book is like another brick on the wall separating me from my life, and though it feels like it’s keeping me safe, it’s really separating me from what I need - food, water, sunlight (metaphorically. I do eat and drink and sleep and go outside, mostly). Or like I’m digging a hole, and with every shovel of dirt the mound becomes more prone to falling and burying me alive. but I can’t stop, because maybe if I dig deep enough I’ll find something worthwhile, something to keep my trying. something that will stop me from just giving up on life.

ok. whew. that was a lot. I’ve been holding that in for a while and I don’t care if you read it or not, it’s just comforting to know that somebody, somewhere, maybe agrees and can sympathize. maybe they even read this and feel somewhat better knowing that I feel the same way? doubtful, but I’ll keep thinking it. I need the hope.

apologies that this was so long, and apologies in advance for the millions more of these that will inevitably come, probably all very repetitive and nonsensical, but also very therapeudic for me. and I don’t care if this didn’t make any sense because it does to me and ugh not another rant

also sorry for any spelling/grammatical mistakes usually I’m a very grammatical person (at least when I’m talking out loud, idk about when I’m typing) so plz don’t hate me for that

#sorry #i really need to go to therapy #rant #i can't believe i'm posting this

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iobunny · 7 years

Text

My Abuse Story - I Survived

(Let me know what to tag cuz i’m out of it right now.)

I'm going to write this post like I'm writing a diary entry, or typing it to someone who would read it. I don't mind if people read it or not, I just want to get this out there while I'm in the mood to talk about what happened to me. I've kept this bottled up for a long time from people, and, I think it's starting to take a toll on me. I just want to get this out there before I decide against it, and, maybe delete it afterwards. (Forgive me for any spelling/grammatical errors, and I'm sorry if it's too long and boring. ) (Some things will be left out because I refuse to even acknowledge them. I only feel comfortable of certain things I want to talk about... I'm sorry.)

Okay, cracks knuckles here we go...

I'm 21 years old. I'm 4'11, 76 lbs, and I suffer from OCD, anxiety, and depression. I like to draw and write, and being with my friends and my sister means everything to me. Someday, I want to be a forensic investigator or a paralegal. Psychology and crime really interest me, and still do to this day. I was in college, and I was just like any other college student. Worked, studied, being lazy and not studying or doing work when I was supposed to be, all of that good stuff. Then I met him...

He was 6'0, around 270 – 280 lbs. He was popular and had a lot of friends, and a lot of girls who admired him. He did a lot of sports, and exercised on his free time. He was attractive, and to top it off he had a good heart and an interesting sense of humour. I felt some sort of attraction toward him, and I remember staying up till 5am to talk to him about our opinions of the world, talking about random nerdy things like League of Legends, we would talk about almost everything! ...

The very next day, at 10pm while we were on Skype, I asked him out... and I remember the surprised, happy-puppy look on his face when he said yes...

… and that was when my life turned into some sort of sick horror movie...

I remember always wanting to interview a sociopath... and I got too much what I bargained for. I didn't realize I was dating one!

I remembered he threatened suicide a lot, and said how horrible he was, and I did my best to make him feel better and be there for him. I remember running away from home (wasn't 21 at the time) just to comfort him.

What I didn't realize at the time was, this was all just a ploy to see how far I would go to care for him. His brother, who is closer to him than anybody else was at the time, told me he likes to do things for a reaction. To see what they would do and how would they react to something unexpected, whether it was positive news or not.

I'm gonna cut to the chase because I'm getting bad thoughts.

He bullied me. He degraded me, and tore every inch of self-esteem I had. Every little spirit, every little smile, all of it gone. It felt like a hungry demonic wolf just ripped through my body and ate everything I had, and left nothing but a pathetic skeleton to piss on.

I remember him saying to me, “___ you're useless. You're nothing but a dirty fucking skank, I'm only doing YOU a favour by dating you because nobody wants to be with some anorexic fucking rat like you. You're not good at anything and you're a college dropout. I deserve so much better than to be with you, but I feel so much pity for you that I have to be with you. Plus, it's too late to break up with you at this point, because I don't want my time to be wasted.”

“You're only good for having sex, and you're not even good at that.”

“You're so fucking retarded holy shit, how did I end up with you?”

“If I knew you were going to be this way, I would have never even thought about dating you.”

“You're so fucking ugly, but you have a tight vagina and that's all I care about at this point.”

“You think anybody is gonna believe what I say to you? Everyone thinks you're a cheating whore, they would never believe you.”

“There's so many prettier and better girls out there, you're lucky I'm a faithful man and wouldn't cheat on you even though you would cheat on me in a heartbeat.” (Then he proceeded to show me the girls and their text messages towards him.)

I remember him beating me with a some weird, thick stick thing during the wintertime outside, because he wanted me to talk about my past relationship, and he covered my mouth when somebody walked by (this happened at nighttime, we were sitting on the hill from where his house was and his brother's girlfriend came home from work) and if he told me if I said any word to her, he would snap my neck right then and there. I pissed myself I was so scared. (I'm sorry for being gross, I was just so scared.)

I remember he drugged me and raped me. I remember waking up the next day feeling nothing like a used up toy. I felt like I wasn't good enough to be anything but just a personal fucktoy, and not even a good one at that.

He smothered me with a pillow, and I couldn't breathe and it was one of the scariest moments in my life. All I could think of was my family and friends, and how I would never see them again... and they would never know what happened to me. I was so scared to tell anyone because I was afraid he would find out and kill my family and friends.

I remember he told me, “If you ever tell anyone, I would kill all of your family members, kill your pets, kill you, then myself.”

He admitted to me he used to be a gang member with his “dad” (his father is a scumbag loser), he personally had to do awful shit to prove his worth, and I truly believe he killed someone before. He had some scars to prove it, both physically and mentally.

I remember feeling his big ass hands around my neck and just squeezing the life out of me. My throat still hurts sometimes, but I don't think it's because of that. I think it's because I get really nervous and I just can't breathe. I still have anxiety, but not because of that. I was born with it. I mean, it could be? But I have no clue. My rib cage still hurts when he sat on top of me, I still can't lay in certain positions because it would really hurt my breathing!

He told me several times how he would kill me. He would take me to one of the big forests his city had that no one really goes to unless you want to explore shit or do drugs, and he would first rape me, then strangle me, then rape my dead body and just leave me. I told him my mother would start to worry but he said she won't be able to do shit because he'll just have his friends “quiet” her. I told him the cops would find out but he lied saying he did it before and they don't give a shit because it happens all the time in the city. (I realize now it's just a lie because people WOULD suspect something, but I didn't believe it at the time. I was stupid. I'm still pretty stupid, but not that stupid.)

We had unprotected sex, he wanted to have kids with me, to prove to me that I was faithful and I would never cheat on him. I was completely brainwashed at this point. I was literally his slave and I would do anything for him, even steal or kill myself if he wanted me to.

I stole alcohol for him (was under-aged at the time) just so he won't be upset at me... I did anything I can to keep him happy. I was constantly stepping around eggshells to have him happy and not have him upset because I was scared we would fight, he would threaten to break up with me, and hurt me.

(Holy shit I don't even realize how shaky I feel typing all of this.... I feel like I'm gonan cry)

I was alone at the time, bcause he didnt want me to have any friends or wear makeup or any type of “showy” clothing. I was controlled, he sniffed me to make sure I dont smell like a guy either.

While plagying league, I happened to meet some people who would eventually be my lifesavers. They lived in virginia, and they were all college kids having fun in life. They were so successful, so talented, and I thought to myself, Man, I want to be like them someday.

Long story short (I feel to worke dup at this point to keep typing), they saved my life. I moved down to virginia and I'm currently living with one of my friends, who I really look up to. She's like my mom, because she cares more about me and my wellbeing than my own mother! (Don't get me wrong, I love my biological mother to death and she loves me so much to, however, she's kind of selfihs... and wants me to stay up in NY where all of this shit happened. She drove me to my ex's place and would rather have me there than in VA where i'm far away from her. She treats me nicely to and would do anything to provide for me, so she's not a bad mother. But she's just... yea... hard to explain.(

I love each and every one of my friends, they saved me and made me feel happy again!

I'm currently awaiting my schedule from my burger king manager so I can start working, i'm looking for other jobs in the meantime too. I'm basically starting all over again in another state, where I feel safe and cared about.

I still have paranoid thoughts that nobody cares about me and everyone hates me, but I try not to believe them and my friens will tell me they care about me to disprove of that. I still feel worthless, I'm still a slut (but I embaraced it! No slut shaming) and I'm still stupid. I'm a hopeless romantic, I still love crime and psychology, and I really hope to go back to school one day and maybe help other people to get out of abusive situations ASAP.

I didn't save ME. My friends saved me. I just wanted to die, I still do, but not as much. I don't really cut myself anymore, I still drink to cope with everything, but hopefully I'll end that. I'm taking anti-depressants, sometimes I hope the alcohol and meds mix up and I end up getitng sick or somehing, but, whatever. I hate myself, but I have friends who care about me and I look at them like they're family, and that's all that really matters. I would do anything for them, and I hope I'll get enough money and pay them for everything they've done for me. They taught me so many things, and we shared so many laughs and jokes and I really want the best for them. I can be obnixous, annoying, stupid, and just annoy the living shit out of them, and I hope I stop that soon. I weird them out when I thank them so much, but im just so grateful they saved me and I have people that care about me y'know? Its weird

even after all of this nonsense, I hope my ex gets the help he needs because I dont want him hurting anyone else anymore. I dont want him to kill someone, or someone dealing with the shit I dealt with or even worse.

I remember he told me he was gonna lock me in his godmother's basement and force-feed me nails until my stomach pops with nails poking thru them. Then rape me and have me shit myself and rats come and eat me.

so... thats my story. Thats it. I feel like shit now and Im gonna drink. Thanks to those that read, sorry about this. Bye.

#angelart #tw rape #tw #tw: rape #rape #tw: abuse #abuse #tw abuse #abusive relationships #abusive relationship #mental disorder #tw mental disorders #tw mental disorder #mental disorders #my story #i will survive #thank u friends

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professorjjong · 7 years

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Hi rose I was wondering if you had any tips or suggestions on how to learn Japanese by oneself. Do you think knowing Chinese would help in learning it? It's so cool that you know more than one language I wish I could be that cool ;w;

hahaha i’m really #NotCool lol

i actually learned japanese by myself so i’m literally full of tips and suggestions haha.

addressing knowing chinese--do you mean that you’re currently learning chinese? if you’re considering learning them side-by-side i honestly don’t think that would be very helpful? the two languages developed independently of each other so they’re virtually unrelated grammatically. japanese kanji does come from china but, unless you’re talking about traditional chinese, almost all of the characters were edited to be faster to write, whereas the original versions are still used in japanese. i do think kanji is important (and fun!) to learn but you should take it slowly and don’t make it your first priority. you’re not going to want to learn a bunch of kanji right off the bat because you’re going to forget all of the ones that aren’t used in common words. i’d say learn a few every week or so? find a pace that works with you best.

if you mean that you already know chinese, there’s a handful of words which are similar and, if you can write it,you’ll be able to pick up kanji faster simply because your brain is already wired to interpret and recreate such characters. but tbh i don’t think it would be much of an advantage.

but before you even touch kanji, learn both kana systems. you can find guides fro them easily enough online. some ppl recommend not learning katakana but tbh i find that katakana is used very often. learn hiragana first going down the rows. at first i learned it five per day but i bumped up that speed after a while. keep writing them. write them whenever u have a free minute just write them over and over again and try to make their sounds as you do.

from this point.... it’s a little fuzzier? there’s a fuck ton of japanese resources out there online. not including textbooks you can buy or rent at ur local library. my suggestion is to find a resource that starts from the beginning and get going with it. no matter what website or book it is it’s not going to be perfect. keep this in mind. i remember with my first book it explained adjectives so poorly i gave up on learning japanese for months because i thought it was just too hard--but then i eventually found a different source which explained adjectives in like two sentences and it made perfect sense. so, whenever you’re using your primary reference and it confuses you, go to a secondary source and see if it explains it better. there’s so many resources out there you can find the explanation you need for any topic.

when you have a basic grasp of grammar, like ‘AはBです” levels of basic, start speaking and writing it. i have a little gaudy pink journal which contains my very first japanese journal to myself, written in glittery pink pen. for these journals don’t look up new words and don’t worry about being grammatically correct. just write. set a length requirement--maybe only four or five lines at first and then let that requirement grow larger and larger as it gets easier and easier for you to write. if you find yourself needing a word in english, like you got halfway through the sentences before suddenly realizing you don’t know the word you need, try to sound it out in katakana. believe it or not, it’s sometimes a struggle to understand english words said in japanese, so try to get yourself used to this concept. do try, however, to only use words you know and to write every day. it doesn’t matter if your journals start out like ‘my name is susan. i am seventeen. i went to school today. in the morning i ate breakfast. i had a test.’ just write.

as for talking, virtually the same rules apply. at first you’re going to have to force it, so try in the morning while you’re getting ready, or in the shower, while cooking... etc.. look up pronunciation videos online and soon you’ll find yourself not forcing out the japanese when you’re talking to yourself.

once you have a good basis in grammar, you can move on to learning more vocabulary. i, personally, used the jlpt sets on memrise, starting with n5. but, as with all sets, these aren’t perfect. memrise is, however, fucking great. use it to build sets of the vocabulary in your primary resource or vocabulary you think might be useful to you in your journals. memrise is themed around learning words being similar to taking care of plants, so it times when you should review different words. on the mobile app you can set it to alert you at a specified time to go over your words, and you can also set goals to drive you to review words or learn new words for a certain length of time every day.

personally, for the words i add to my own personal lists, i don’t worry about kanji, as the jlpt sets all have kanji. you will, however, need to learn kanji using something else. personally, i used he book remembering the kanji but it’s not perfect. as with grammar, there’s a lot of different resources so find the one that explains kanji in the way you like best.

for me i made flashcards of kanji and went over them daily. when the number became too great for that, i went over all of them once a week and put the words i got wrong into a separate pile called my ‘stress words.’ i would go over these several times a day and then, once a week, would learn a few more kanji and add those to the new ‘stress words’ for that week. i also bought a mini white board to use when writing kanji but it’s also a good idea to practice with graph paper so you can learn to keep them in the proper shape and size.

another great app i liked a lot is hellotalk. it’s virtually an instant messaging app meant to connect you with people who are native speakers of the language you want to learn. since i used it, it has also become a little bit more facebook-esque,which i think can make things a bit awkward--as you can make a post about what ur eating or whatever and a japanese person might see it and then you can use that as a way to start conversation and avoid the awkwardness. it also has ways for you to limit what sex and age range can talk to you, but when i used the app recently i had people voice call me virtually immediately and i’m personally not comfortable with that :/ i’d hope that the app has maybe changed that setting but i haven’t checked. i’d suggest downloading it and seeing if the setting has changed or if ur comfortable with just refusing calls from people because having ppl to talk to is the best way to learn.

another website similar to hellotalk is lang-8, but, instead of instant messaging, on lang-8 you write journal entries in the language you’re learning and native speakers correct it--and then you correct their journals in exchange. obviously, you have to be a bit more advanced in japanese to manage this, but it’s very useful! your journals don’t have to be anything insightful--i remember writing one about how iced coffee is more popular in asia than it is in america and another about going to the grocery store. it’s also a good way to potentially meet ppl you may befriend and speak japanese to some day!

these next two are hella amazing. one is an app called imi wa? it’s a great dictionary app that helps you conjugate verbs, search kanji by not only radicals but by ‘primitives,’ and, best of all, has an analyze function which lets you paste in a block of text and defines all of them so you can translate sentences with much more ease. the other is rikai-kun (chrome), -chan (mozilla) and -sama (i forgot?). it’s another dictionary for ur browser that will let you scroll over words and immediately look over their definitions. you can develop an over reliance on it but at the beginning stages it’s going to be hella useful so, download it.

a great resource in particular to use with rikaikun is nhk easy , which is japanese news articles written for elementary and middle school students--and foreigners! you can set it so locations/names/businesses will appear in different colors and you can scroll over some words for definitions. the articles are also relatively short so i’d recommend going through at least one a day to practice your reading. also considering following japanese fans or artists on twitter and trying to translate their tweets--but if you find yourself getting overwhelmed by the number or length of tweets, don’t feel pressured to understand all of them. a lot of learning a language by yourself is trying to avoid frustrating yourself--since you’re studying alone, there’s nothing to keep you from giving up aside from yourself. so if you find yourself getting very frustrated, you should probably switch up what you’re doing.

in terms of practicing your listening skills, i’d recommend watching dramas. try to find half hour long dramas (or just watch half an hour long episode) and then immediately after watching the half hour, watch it again without subtitles. at first you’ll feel like you get absolutely nothing out of this, but stick with it.make sure not to play with your phone or distract yourself while listening. try to remember what the characters said or what’s going on in the episode. soon you’ll find yourself recognizing words!!! then phrases!!! then sentences!! then you’ll be able to understand it on your own!

if you really like anime, you can also watch anime at first or every once in a while--but i’d really recommend dramas. people in anime don’t speak like normal people do, but it can be easier to recognize words and such because their voices are clearer. dramas better reflect the way actual japanese people speak. (however i wouldn’t recommend watching something like terrace house because it is actual people talking and the mics aren’t perfect. if you’re a student, i’d say to watch high school dramas because they will contain words which may be relevant to you in your journals and while talking to ourself and what not!)

you can also rewatch episodes with the screen blackened, so you’re just listening to it? i personally think this is lots of fun but that’s just me.

songs tend to follow their own grammatical rhythms so they’re not too useful for studying aside from vocabulary.

the key, to me, at least, was to study every day. my schedule was:

1. talk to self.

2. study stress words (once a week go over all kanji)

3. half hour drama episode (watch twice)

4. nhk article

5. journal

6. memrise vocab

7. translating tweets

the key is to try to study every day and to make a schedule of your own which lines up with how much free time you have. you can divide drama episodes into ten minute blocks, read your article on the bus, write your journal before bed and do memrise while waiting in line at the grocery store. just find something which works for you--and don’t let yourself get frustrated. even if you’re tired as all fuck, try to at least reach your memrise goals or watch your drama episode, or whatever study method you find the most useful. it’s hard work, but be nice to yourself!

頑張って！

#i talked A LOT so i put it under a read more otl #answered #anonymous #Anonymous

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