#listen. i am mature enough to admit that i am immature enough to wish of all people who say blatant bullshit about my beloved

[theophagie-remade]

Whenever a "therapist reacts to/talks about [fictional character]" video pops up on my youtube page I immediately swoosh it away because the one (1) time I caved in watched one the person went on and said something so stupid about Chrollo that now I automatically feel irrationally angry whenever I see something similar to it. lol. lmao even

#something about how when he showed vulnerability by crying it was only to manipulate the spiders into trusting him more... #except that in that scene he was alone with neon and his reaction was a genuine one because he truly Does love them. hatred and malice #listen. i am mature enough to admit that i am immature enough to wish of all people who say blatant bullshit about my beloved #little meow meows to go to hell. love and peace #mytext #like. of course it was one time and i'm being stupid! but that was one time too many for me #i can ignore and get behind randos saying stupid shit but if you're supposed to be a therapist and you miss the point by this much...... #salty #animanga #hunter x hunter #char tag #chrollo lucilfer

[writingsfromhome]

Nuclear Family V

Part Five: Some Things Never Change

A/N: I’ve reread and rewrote and finally wrapped this up! It got really long because I didn’t want to drag it into another part, but I did include an epilogue--I couldn’t help myself. Hope it lives up to the expectations! And thank you x100000 again for reading along <3

Part I / Part II / Part III / Part IV / Part V

---------------

The next morning, we sit down together and soothe Charlie's worries. Harry holds my hand at one point and we play the best acting gig either of us have ever played as we pretend there's not a ginormous unspoken trilogy between us. Charlie's tentative at first, but when Harry pulls her onto his knee and whispers something to her. She breaks into a giggle and hugs him. At least that was patched over, I think. But when Harry meets my eyes over her head, I look away. Some things might never be patched over.

I’d set up a play date this morning, thinking Charlie might have needed a distraction. It also gave me time to pack our things without her to distract me or feel the emotional baggage I was packing up too.

I had planned to find an air bnb, waking up at 7am to start searching. But when I updated Marc after he asked what I was doing that evening, he insisted we stayed with him. We’d lived together before, and he was almost always at work, so it gave us enough space.The best part was he lived in the same building as Harry; it was almost too perfect, and when I’d asked Charlie she was totally on board. Spending time with Marc while being able to take the elevator to see her dad sounded just sounded like her play place had expanded.

After Charlie leaves, and I’m almost done packing, I look for Harry to talk. I find him toweling his hair after his shower. He had to head out for shooting today so I needed to speak to him before he left or else he would think I slighted him. He notices me in the foggy mirror and turns, and I try not to find the towel tied around his waist distracting.

“Hey, so...I’ll be out of your hair today...no pun intended.” I laugh lamely after he continues to stare at me blankly. Okay, maybe his towel was more distracting than I’d like to admit. And this was an awkward conversation when we had so many unspoken things between us. “Um, so I found other accommodations finally. So we’ll move out and it’ll be like we planned initially?”

“Huh?” Harry freezes, arms in midair.

“I don’t know why it took me this long to find another place,” I blabber on. “But I think yesterday was kind of a wake up call? I shouldn’t have stayed this long anyway and-”

“Wait, Y/N, stop. You’re leaving?”

“Just the flat,” I finally look at him, he looks stony. “We’ll actually just be a few floors down staying with Marc, so it’s kind of perfect.”

“Marc?” A flame lights itself in his eyes, usually the colour of a spring field, they’ve now turned into a field of ashes as he realises what I’m saying. “You’re moving out? To Marc’s? Because of yesterday?”

“Yes, that’s what I just said.” I try to remain calm, but it’s hard when he’s acting like this. “Harry, yesterday just made me realise I’d lost sight of the horizon or whatever. We were never supposed to live with you for this reason! We knew when we planned this that it would complicate things. I was just so obsessed with making Charlie’s birthday perfect I didn’t look for anywhere else, and her birthday was basically disastrous so that was useless. Now you can live freely, Miranda can come and go-”

“Oh and living with Marc won’t confuse Charlie?” Harry demands.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I think you know exactly what that mean Y/N. You’re being a bloody hypocrite-”

“What?!” I can’t keep the calm anymore. “I’m a hypocrite?”

“Yes! You! You think Charlie seeing Miranda and me together would confuse her yet you’re taking her to your boyfriend’s house-”

“Who said anything about my boyfriend--and how dare you sound so judgemental about that! Sorry I didn’t get the memo; Harry can have a girlfriend but Y/N can’t! She’s got to be the single virgin mother all by herself!”

“That’s not what I said!”

“No, I think it’s what you were trying to say! Being so fucking judgemental about my love life. This isn’t my fault! I’m not asking you shit, Harry!”

“What the fuck Y/N!” Harry whips the towel he was using for his hair onto the ground. My heart beats erratically in my chest; the last time we fought like this it was because I’d told him I was pregnant and it had ended really ugly. But the way he got under my skin, as hard as I wanted to be the mature one, I couldn’t. “You don’t have to be so bloody sarcastic all the time! I just don’t understand how living with Marc will be any better!”

“Marc’s barely every home, and he’s lived with us before, it’s worked out fine. Charlie adores him-”

“Oh yeah I bet she does! You would’ve loved it if Marc was her father yeah? He’s always had a thing for you, even when we were together. Now’s your chance to be a perfect little family with Marc!”

“I did not say that, don’t put words in my mouth-”

“Oh, but I think that’s what you were trying to say,” Harry mocks me. He’s a ball of rage as he stalks towards me. “I don’t understand your obsession with this guy and why he’s so close to Charlie!”

“You know Marc! We’ve been friends with him for-wait why am I defending myself? This isn’t about that!”

“Well I think it should be!”

“Where are you going with this Harry?!” I shout, putting my hands out to his chest as he continues walking towards me, as if maybe I could shield myself from his growing fury. “I don’t want to fight! I’m just trying to do what’s best for Charlie. And for us.” 

We stare at each other, uncomfortably close, chests heaving as the fire crackles low.

“Well, too late for that.” He says, but the snark is gone. “I’ve finally got Charlie living with me and you’re taking her away.”

“I-I’m not taking her away.” My voice rises immediately. “Don’t you dare say I’m taking her away!”

“You are!” He says stubbornly.

“What the fuck do you expect? You want me to stick around so it’s you, me, and Charlie? You want me to stay here and be miserable, have our kid be confused about what’s going on with who?”

“I don’t want you to be miserable, I just want us in one place!”

“We’re not this perfect little nuclear family you have in your head! We can’t be!”

“Not when you’re bringing the nuclear into the family,” Harry mutters immaturely.

“Oh my god, what’s wrong with you?!” I want to pull my hair out.

“What’s wrong with me is you’re taking away my daughter from me!”

My blood was just boiling now. I get in his face, “Harry, do you not remember that you never wanted us? You had the option to stay with me, while I was pregnant with Charlie. You had the option to hold your daughter the day she was born. You could’ve had all of it. Every step of the way! You chose not to, you let me go, you-you told me I could go...” I break off suddenly, so I didn’t sob as the memories rush back. I told everyone I was over it, I had processed it. But when Harry rejected me, he also rejected Charlie and I never got over that.

Harry hears my breath hitch, he backs away from my outstretched hands and I let them drop.

After a heavy silence, Harry speaks up: “Y/N I’m sorry. I heard what you said yesterday. I was up all night just thinking about it...”

“Well that’s wonderful for me,” I retreat into the comfort of sarcasm.

“No--you were right, I didn’t want commitment. I was bloody afraid of it. I was listening to everyone who said if I had a kid, my career would be over. I wanted to stay young, and I just let you deal with it by yourself. I was selfish and I wish I could go back and change everything.”

“Well that’s not much help now; you never once said any of this to me! You moved on--don’t deny it. I saw you in the tabloids, the media. You don’t think I kept track of you? I loved you! You’re the father of my kid, and while I was up on less than an hour of sleep trying to get your 2 month old to stop crying at 3am, you were out partying with models and getting smashed.”

“I couldn’t-I just spiraled-”

“Well it’s nice that your spiraling looks so much like partyingl” I roll my eyes. “Mine looked like crying in the bathtub with my ears ringing, and covered in baby vomit.” I cross my arms. I had held it in for four long years, it was about time I snapped, and I guess this was it.

“Y/N.” he turns away from me, rubbing his face. When he turns around, his heart is on his sleeve. “There were so many times I would pick up my phone and type in your number, just to hear your voice. Just to ask you about Charlie--it ripped me apart that I wasn’t there. That you weren’t here, with Charlie. You’d send me pictures of her and I would get so excited to see what she was up to, what new thing she learned...”

He breaks off, his face now shining with tears. He walks up to me and holds my hands, my heart tugs and I know I’m crying too. “Y/N when I held her for the first time when she was a few months old, and she looked up at me and smiled. I didn’t even know I could love like that. So I changed Y/N--tell me you saw me doing anything reckless after that first visit. I made sure I grew up so I could always be there for her. And you. But you never talked to me. You were always so cold to me and I was scared to break the ice. So I just let you raise her without me, not realising what I was missing out on. I fucking missed all of it because I was just trying find the perfect words to get this off my chest and I never found them.”

“Harry-” I sigh. “You could’ve tried. But...you moved on though. You have a girlfriend-”

“I had to try to move on,” he explains urgently. “You barely spoke to me. I’d ask how you are and you wouldn’t always reply, our texts were only about Charlie. You never invited me over when I was in LA. I thought you didn’t care about me so I had to move on, and the way we ended things I didn’t blame you! I let you know I would be there for Charlie--but I had to move on because I didn’t think we would ever have another shot.”

“I didn’t know what to say to you when you came over Harry. The way we left things before I moved back home, It was awful.” I whisper. The words he’d said, the things I said, the broken glass and just hours of fighting. Then the panic attacks and crippling fear of not knowing what I was doing with my life. It was easy to let it harden you, rather than invite it back in.

“The way I let you leave...was awful.” He agrees. “So I’m asking you now to stay Y/N.”

“And do what?” I ask, didn’t he get it? “Sit around while your girlfriend is over all the time, have her pop in with her own key while I’m only just woken up looking like a troll? Let you kiss me in the dark when she’s not around? Have her ignore me like I’m not even there?”

Harry has the decency to look embarrassed, dropping my arms. He sighs, and looks at me with regret. “This is balls up.”

“Yeah, I know Harry. That’s why I’m finding other accommodations.”

“I don’t like it’s with Marc.”

“I don’t care Harry, you don’t have any say over who I stay with.”

“But Charlie-”

“She can stay with you when she wants,” I agree. “I know you’ve got a shoot all week so it’s a good week to be out.”

“I like coming home to you two.”

“Harry,” I warn him. He couldn’t afford to speak like this when he had a girlfriend. I didn’t want to fall for him again. He made it hard not to.

“I don’t like it but I can’t stop you.” He concedes, arms crossed over his chest. I skim over the bare flesh, taking in the ink that Charlie loved to ask a million questions about. He notices me looking and I catch the cocky grin on his face.

“I’m looking at the ink,” I say, even though I didn’t have to defend myself.

“I know,” he shrugs but the grin stays on his face. I roll my eyes and head back to finish packing but he pulls me back to him and suffocates me against his bare chest. “I’m sorry, for then. For now. Forever.”

He lets me go but he keeps his arms around my waist. I look up at him and for the first time in a long time, I see my old Styles. Confident, determined, and a little cocky. The one I fell hard for.

“Noted,” I say, not giving in this easily, I still had to process this whole conversation and figure out what this thing between Harry and I meant.

A low chuckle bursts out from him as he stares down at me. “I miss you,” he says.

“I’m right here,” I say, stepping back so he lets me go. I leave him with a smile on his face, not ignoring the way he said he misses me. Without even realising it, my feelings of resentment had begun to slip away. But I still knew space would be best for both of us.

***

It’s Thursday evening, Charlie was with Harry having dinner at his mum’s place. Marc’s edition is officially in printing and he’s home at a decent enough hour that I put aside my work and share a glass of wine with him.

“Sounds intense,” Marc says to me after I give him the details of mine and Harry’s fight. Since then, we’d have breakfast as a family once but I did text him beyond just talking about Charlie. Pictures, memes, old memories, the occasional pointless text. It was sort of nice having him in my life again.

Charlie was going to work with him tomorrow, and she was so excited about that. It gave me time for alone time, and to catch up with Marc.

“It was intense, it felt like the old Y/N and Harry.”

“Uh oh. I don’t miss them,” Marc huffs. “You’re a lot nicer now, and he’s not as much of a cocky bastard anymore.”

“Wow, tell me how you really feel.” I tease. But he was right, back then I was young and sassy and I wasn’t afraid to let the world know. Marc and I had met when he reached out to me to write an article for his magazine and it was a coincidence that Marc and Harry knew each other from cover shoots. Marc used to be a photographer.

“I like this Y/N better,” Marc leans into me, his voice deepening. “She’s kind and strong and gorgeous, and the best part is she lets me kiss her.”

He pauses in front of my face and I lean the rest of the way in to let him know he could. That’s all the signal he needs. Our drinks abandoned, we quickly move into the bedroom and I can’t believe I forgot how good it felt to be wanted like this.

***

The next time I’m in Harry’s flat, I’m picking Charlie up. She stayed with him, but Miranda had surprised him by showing up early right after her flight landed. His short text made me get up there right away, after what happened the last time Charlie saw Harry and Miranda together, I wasn’t sure if she would misbehave.

But oddly, she’s mostly quiet.

“Did you have fun?” I ask Charlie, as she eats her cereal slowly. Her back is to the hall Harry stands in and it was a good thing as Miranda drapes herself across him. Unfortunately, I had to see it; I guess she got the memo that Charlie knew what was going on, and she was okay with it--or as okay as a four year old could be.

“It was so cool mom,” Charlie says. “There was so many rooms and one was space! It had the moon and there was a castle and they made the explosion sound and...” Charlie explains in no sensible order everything she saw at the studio, and I listen to her spill out her excitement but every so often my eyes drift to where Miranda shamelessly reunites with Harry. It makes my stomach turn. Especially after the conversation we had. I wasn’t an idiot, I knew Harry wasn’t going to rearrange his whole life because we’d finally had the Talk about what happened between us all those years ago. It was just watching them, and knowing that that was Harry moving on. From me...when I never fully moved on from him. It was pathetic, I know.

“Have you had coffee yet?” Harry asks a little while later after he’s unhooked Miranda’s claws from him and made his way to the kitchen. Charlie is slowing down her speech but when Harry appears she launches into more questions about set and when his “movie” would come out (it was a music video).

“No, I saw your text as soon as I woke up.” I say, between Charlie’s breaths. IT seemed she was going to be a while. “I could use a cup.”

“I heard you’re staying with Marc,” Miranda suddenly comes up and sits at the table, addressing me. “He’s a nice guy, I’ve worked with him in the past. Easy on the eyes too.”

“I’m right here,” Harry holds up my empty cup and looks pointedly at her. She winks and I nearly vomit.

I smile instead, “Yeah. He’s a really good friend, and Charlie loves him. And he lives downstairs so it worked out really well.”

“Yeah,” she smiles. This was the most she’s said to me since she got here. I watch as she glances at Harry who’s making my coffee the way I like it. “I heard you two are really good friends.”

Yeah...” I didn’t like what she was insinuating. I look up at Harry but he’s suddenly very interested in the sugar. “I can do that.” I grab it from him and make sure to glare at him as he passes it to me.

“We should do like, a double date.” She suggests. “Harry, don’t you think that would be fun? You and me, Y/N and Marc?”

“What about me?” Charlie pouts.

“You and Gemma!” Harry looks at me. “I forgot to mention, Gemma wanted to take Charlie out, spend some time with her while she was in London.”

“Perfect!” Miranda sounds almost too excited. It makes me suspicious.

***

When I tell Marc about the double date, he’s more than eager to attend. I know he just wanted to annoy Harry. I was nervous what this all meant.

But somehow I find myself standing with Marc in front of the restaurant while I try to prepare myself for whatever the evening held for us. Marc eventually just grabs my hand, winks, and pulls me in even though I wanted to just stay outside for a bit longer. Maybe a lot longer. Maybe just never go in.

As dinner goes on, things grow more and more awkward. Miranda is chatting up Marc about their old shoots, Harry grows more irritated as Marc receives all the attention, and his eyes track Marc’s hand any time it’s near me. I knock back my wine, as does Harry. Miranda continues to chat up Marc, and I inhale the food when it finally comes simply because the whole situation was stressful.

“The food’s good here,” I comment but only Harry hears me over the other conversation at the table.

“I always wanted to take you here,” Harry comments. “It has the best victoria sponge I’ve ever had.”

“You know I hate victoria sponge,” I scrunch my nose.

“I know!” Harry laughs which seems to get the table’s attention. His laugh usually did, as I’ve said. “That’s why you have to try it, you’ll finally like it.”

“Like what?” Marc asks.

“Victoria sponge,” I cringe visibly which makes him laugh.

“I think she loves cheesecake too much, right?” I know Marc is remembering the night I came to his house after a big fight with Harry, he’d bought a cheesecake for his then-girlfriend but I’d cried into it and finished the whole thing in one sitting. He’d had to improvise with cupcakes the next day. I still feel bad about that.

“Y/N is a cheesecake fanatic,” Harry says a little aggressively.

“Cheesecake’s way too fattening,” Miranda says absentmindedly, not realising what she was implying.

When the table grows awkwardly silent, Harry tries to come to her rescue. “That’s when you know it’s good food.”

“Touche,” I tip my glass just to have an excuse to have something to do and...well, drink.

At the end of the night, Harry asks if we want to go back to his place. I say no as Marc says yes and because he had the louder voice that’s what we do. I shoot him a dirty look but he only winks at me. He was having way too much fun.

Harry excuses himself and joins us in the Uber late. In his hands is a box with victoria sponge.

***

“Do you think he knows I’m not your boyfriend?” Marc asks later that night. We’d drank another bottle of wine and everyone was a bit more...vocal than before. What started out as fun stories from our younger days, quickly turns into passive aggressive comments as Harry stared a hole at Marc’s hand on my thigh, and Miranda stared at Harry staring at Marc’s hand on my thigh. She’d asked to speak to him midway through and now they were arguing in another room where every so often we caught some of their argument.

“You can’t even take your eyes off..............a bloody cake? You didn’t even think to.........I don’t get it!” That was Miranda.

“Thinking too much..........stop........of course I love you.......Charlie’s mom!” and that was Harry.

“I just knew this dinner would go like this,” Miranda says loudly.

“So you’re testing me now?” 

“Yes Harry, that’s obvious isn’t it Y/N?” Marc comments beside me.

“You’re having too much fun,” I lean my head back and sigh against the headrest.

“I have a stressful job, I don’t go out often. Can you blame me for being mildly entertained here?”

“Ugh...yeah okay me too.” I look over at him and he laughs. I hated the tension it was causing between Harry and I but I couldn’t help the small petty satisfaction of showing Miranda up after she tried to steal the show at dinner tonight. “What happened to the flight attendant you were seeing?”

“She took a flight out of London and never called me back?”

“Poor you,” I pat his shoulder. “We’re just not cut out for relationships are we?”

Marc shakes his head solemnly. I sigh, the alcohol making me more melodramatic than I was. “We’re finding my ex and his girlfriend arguing, entertaining. Who am I?”

“This is why we get along,” Marc leans into me, he smelled good. “Two boring people, getting our petty kicks with other people’s drama.”

“I think this is kind of my drama too,” I groan.

"Then I guess it’s kind of my drama too,” Marc says happily.

“You’re serious,” I say, leaning my head back against the sofa again, too tired to say anything else.

“I always have your back,” Marc says and I open my eyes just as he nuzzles a kiss against my exposed neck, and Harry walks into view.

“Harry,” I sit up and Marc jolts up as I nearly knock my head into his. Harry looks roughened up, his hair lays every which way as if he ran a rake through it. His face is flushed yet he stares at Marc like he wants to pop his head off.

“I’m really sorry, I’m going to have to call it a night. Miranda is...we have to talk and-”

“Yep, yep, we’re out.” I don’t need to be asked twice. Neither does Marc. Marc heads immediately to the door but I pause by Harry.

“Sorry...” he apologizes again. He looks like a lost puppy which is what makes me press a quick kiss to his cheek.

“We’ll talk in the morning. Gemma is dropping Charlie off around noon.”

“Okay,” Harry looks over my head to Marc, who is opening the door to give us some privacy. He looks back at me, searching my face for something. “I didn’t want the evening to end like this, it’s just...complicated.”

“I get it,” I cut him off, and more gently say again, “I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”

“Yes please,” he mumbles. Even though Harrys’ done this to himself, I can’t help but feel a little bad. I pat his arm and turn to head out with Marc. Harry could get himself out of the mess if he wanted.

***

I don’t hear from Harry the next morning, before I pick up Charlie, he leaves me a cryptic text that we should probably not go over today. Charlie and I spend the day exploring London some more instead, although she’s tired in a few hours so we end up picking up Marc after work and enjoying dessert by the river.

I still hear nothing on Saturday morning, Charlie asks about Harry and I lie saying he way busy. It’s only around noon that a haggard Harry shows up at Marc’s door. I was helping load the dishwasher so Marc answers the door. It’s the loud shout from Charlie that alerts me to the guest.

I pass Marc on my way to the door, he just raises his eyebrows to say yikes and it’s an understatement when I see him. Messy hair, a five ‘o clock shadow, and he looks like he hadn’t slept.

“You look...rough.” I say while Charlie sits on his back. I almost want to tell her to be fragile with him with the way he looked.

“It’s been a rough couple days.” He comments, his voice scratchy. “I need to talk to you.”

“Charlie, love, go inside for a bit? I’ve got to speak with your dad.”

“Aww,” she moans as Harry helps her dismount.

“I’ll play with you later little monkey,” Harry tickles her and she squeals as she runs away. His eyes follow her with a smile.

“So...” I step into the hall, tilting the door behind me.

“I think Miranda and I broke up.”

“Ah,” that made sense. “What happened?”

“She...it’s so complicated. Why are women so complicated?”

“Woman here,” I point to myself and raise an eyebrow. He shakes his head and sighs.

“Apparently she...set up that double date so I could see you’d moved on. Except, according to her, the way I was acting made her realise she was never going to measure up to you. She...she wanted me to choose between you and her, I told her...” he gulps, leaning against the opposite wall for some support. “It wasn’t the same. You were Charlie’s mum, we would always be in each other’s lives. She made her peace with it but this morning when I woke up I don’t know...I don’t know what I said. She was just gone. She isn’t answering her phone. I thought we were okay, we made up yesterday but today...I don’t know.”

“Wow,” I didn’t know what else to say. I didn’t think she would actually ask him to choose. And now she went AWOL. “Do you know where she might be?”

“I went to her place, her roommate said she thought she was with me. I just don’t want her to do anything rash.”

“Sorry, Harry.” I look him over, I couldn’t help but feel bad for him. Before I could say anything more, Charlie zips outside with the drawings she had done at the museum. She just wanted his attention, and as he takes them from her he smooths his face over and gives her all the excited feedback she wanted. I slip inside and tell Marc we might head up for a bit.

Harry hesitates before letting us in. The place was a mess. Things are strewn about everywhere. A broken lamp sits near the entrance.

“Woah,” I say.

“Woah” Charlie echoes me with more emphasis.

“Ehm,” Harry scratches his head. “I...was trying to find something.”

“You shouldn’t be so messy dad,” Charlie immediately begins walking to her room, like she always belonged here. A small part of me is already sad for when we had to leave.

“Sorry love,” Harry cracks a grin and we exchange a glance.

“D’you need help...?”

“No, come sit. I’ll pour us a drink.”

We sit in the kitchen, sipping our wine in silence. Charlie plays with her toys in the back, a comforting background noise.

I reach my hand out eventually and brush Harry’s hand on the countertop. He looks over at me, zoning back into the present. His smile is small and sad, dimmed and broken like his lamp. I thread my fingers through his and squeeze for comfort. He brings my hand to his lips and kisses it and I try not to look as affected by it as I feel. He lets go after he kisses it.

“Thanks for being cool about this, I didn’t know who to go to.”

He looks so lost, and upset. I want to comfort him but there are no words I can say to do that. I open my mouth to try to say something anyway, but the familiar sound of his front door opening interrupts me before I can.

“Harry?” Miranda’s distinct voice carries over. Harry shoots out of his chair and goes to meet her. I watch on, out of view as she hugs him and apologises. “I just needed to clear my head. Then I got a taxi and ended up near my mum’s. I think I drank too many mimosas. I don’t know Harry, I brought an apology drink...”

She trails off as she spots Charlie laying down with her toys. She looks towards the kitchen and I look away quick enough to not see if she’d seen me or not.;

“I didn’t realise you had...guests.” She says slowly, slower, I can tell her words slur together. She really did have too much to drink.

“My...Charlie came up, her mum’s just in the kitchen.” Harry says, his words loaded with unspoken meaning.

“Oh. So I leave for a few hours and you invite them back.” My eyes bug out as I realise Miranda was planning on rehashing it right here. I get up and move towards Charlie but unfortunately I have to pass by them to get there.

“I was supposed to see Charlie yesterday, I didn’t know where you went! You weren’t picking up I just invited them up-”

“My phone died!” Miranda pushes Harry away and I move quicker towards Charlie, urging her to go play in her room but she stays on the floor stubbornly.

“Miranda please love, let’s not start this here again. Charlie-”

“What about me Harry? I haven’t gotten any attention from you for weeks! I thought we agreed yesterday-”

“They’re just here for the month! I never get to see her Miranda stop being unreasonable.”

“I don’t know why I thought coming back here was a good idea!” Miranda shouts. I pull Charlie up but even she’s frozen in spot watching Miranda. “You’re just never going to love me the way I want to are you? I’m never going to compare against...her. Them. Whatever!”

Harry tries to soothe her but she throws him off again, dropping her bottle to the floor with a thud. She turns to me while I back away to the bedroom with Charlie. “This is what you wanted isn’t it? Him all to yourself? This is why you came here all along? I bet your air bnb didn’t even have a bloody issue! He never wanted you in the first place! Newsflash: he has a girlfriend! Me! Not you-”

“Miranda! Enough.” Harry says and she shuts up. I scoop Charlie up and take her to the room but she starts crying because she dropped Oreo in the living room. I go back for it and Miranda is shouting at Harry, either she was too drunk to care or she was at the end of her stick. Or both. But when she starts to swear Harry tries to move her outside.

“It’s not like she can hear over how loud she’s fucking crying!” Miranda shouts. She really was having this breakdown here, but I pause. I wasn’t okay with her talking about Charlie like that, and I watch as Harry freezes over as he feels the same way.

“Miranda. That’s enough.” He says seriously.

“I’ve had enough Harry,” she’s on the verge of tears. I shuffle back to the bedroom and quiet Charlie down but as soon as she does the shouting gets loud enough that we can hear.

“Why is she yelling at dad?” Charlie asks, her nose red from crying.

“She’s...upset.” I say lamely.

“She shouldn’t yell at him,” she says quietly.

“Sometimes, when you’re that upset it just feels like you have to yell. But you’re right, we shouldn’t yell at each other. They’ll be okay.”

Eventually they quiet down and I feel like a prisoner stuck in the room, wondering when it was okay to leave. Charlie feels the same way because she eventually opens the door when I’m distracted and heads out.

“Charlie,” I whisper from the room but she doesn’t come back. It’s oddly quiet out and when I peep through there’s nobody actually there. I strain my ears and maybe hear them in the bedroom. I guess he’d convinced her to move location.

There’s a feeling in my stomach, like a hard seed rooting in place and pulling up the dirt as it sprouts up into my chest. I suddenly just wanted to go home, back to LA. It felt so complicated here, and I know Charlie felt at home with her dad but I was just a traveler passing through here. London, felt like a home, but it wasn’t my home. And the feeling forces me to sit down on the edge of the couch. Charlie notices my expression and hovers nearby, eventually climbing up beside me and leaning her head on me. I pull her into me and try to work my way out of the funk I found myself in, turning on the TV just so I didn’t have to suffer in silence.

When Harry eventually comes out with Miranda, I’m making a snack for Charlie who stays seated in front of the TV, eyes glued to whatever was on. I try not to think too hard about why they both looked freshly showered, about what this meant for us all. Miranda sits on the couch and Harry hovers over them all watching. From my view in the kitchen, the feeling from before creeps back. Harry catches my eye just then and raises his chin, is everything okay. I smile reassuringly, it takes everything in me to fake it, before resuming my slicing.

I had to get over Harry, I think. On some level, I was still holding onto him and not dating anyone because I continued to compare everyone to how he made me feel. I was vulnerable living with him, I’d made up some version in my head of a family while I lived here and I watched Harry in his fatherly role. Some part of me hoped it would come true. But watching him with Miranda and Charlie like this, he didn’t need me. I was just a past dream, one that felt good to indulge in. Miranda was clearly his future.

“Charlie,” I call her name once I’ve cut up her snack. I stay in the kitchen, where I watch Harry touch Miranda’s shoulder reassuringly. I watch them make up and then watch as she leaves. Harry doesn’t once come into the kitchen, and I try not to show how gutted I feel.

***

I don’t hear from Harry for a few days. Charlie decided to sleep over for a few days, and I’m more than fine with it as I work to meet some upcoming deadlines. Marc pops in and out of his apartment, we have a few meals together but mostly I let myself get lost in my work. Charlie comes up every so often, but she spends most of her time with her dad. With only one week left here, I understand. I didn’t want to be around him, and make it harder for me to move on.

With less than a week to stay, Charlie asks me curiously as I put her to bed,

“Is Uncle Marc your boyfriend?”

“What?” I stare at her, where was that question coming from? Marc and I made sure to keep our distance whenever she was here. “Why would you ask something like that?”

“I dunno. Dad said you cared about Marc.”

“Dad said what?” I breath deeply. For someone who was calling me a hypocrite he outright told Charlie Marc was my boyfriend? “Marc and I are just good friends honey, like you and Carrie. I don’t know why your dad said that.”

“I like Uncle Marc,” Charlie says as she grows sleepy. “He’s nice.”

I grind my teeth, why would Harry say something like that?

I go back to the living room where I was working on an article, Marc sits opposite me working late too. But no matter how many times I read what I wrote, I can’t focus. My mind spins asking why Harry would tell Charlie something like that.

“Where are you going?” Marc asks as I get up suddenly.

“I’m leaving Charlie asleep here,” I pick my sweater off the couch and slip it on. “I need to talk to Harry.”

“It’s 12am,” Marc puts his laptop to the side. “Ohh I see. You don’t have to use code with me love.”

“What?” I’m confused but it clicks a moment later. “Marc don’t be so immature I just need to talk to him about something he said to Charlie.”

“I won’t wait up, don’t worry. Charlie’s fine here.” He resumes working on his laptop and I don’t even bother correcting him. I fly out of the apartment and up to Harry’s. I didn’t care if he was sleeping, I needed to speak to him. I do a quick knock before fiddling with my key, entering the space just as Harry comes into view.

“Y/N?” Harry’s sleepy face stares at me for a beat, his eyebrows furrowed. And suddenly faced with a shirtless Harry, I realise I could have walked in on him doing anything. I didn’t really think this through--Miranda could be over. Shit.

“We needed to talk,” I close the door behind me and stand up straight, ready to lay into him.

“Now?”

“Yes, now. It couldn’t wait.”

“Come in, I guess.” He steps back and I walk into a brighter space, he follows behind.

“Why would you tell Charlie that Marc was my boyfriend? Or we were seeing each other?” I jump right in.

Harry must still be sleep-confused because he sits down on an armchair and stares up at me trying to piece my sentence in his head. My hands on my hips are fists as I wait impatiently.

“I didn’t tell her he was your boyfriend.” He starts slowly. “She just asked why we weren’t hanging out like before and all these questions about--well you know Charlie. So I said it was complicated; we cared about each other but you cared about other people too like Marc.”

“Why bring Marc into this? She doesn’t know anything.”

“I didn’t mean to,” Harry gets defensive. “I was just trying to break it down to her.”

“So you brought Marc and me into her mind as someone I’m with--the reason why we weren’t hanging out like before? As if Miranda and you isn’t excuse enough?”

“Well, not anymore?” He squints up at me.

“Well...why not anymore?” I didn’t follow.

“Y/N...” He stares at me, searching my face as if I was lying but I don’t even know what I would be lying about. I raise an eyebrow. “Miranda and I broke up--that day you were here and she came in, we broke up, I thought you knew that. That’s why Charlie was staying with me for so long, I wasn’t going anywhere.”

“Y-you broke up?” I was stunned, the way it looked to me, they had made up. “Charlie knew?”

“I don’t know. She just thought Miranda wasn’t coming around. I don’t know if it was worth explaining to her.”

“Oh. Wow,” I sit down on the couch, digesting that Harry and Miranda actually broke up that day. All this time I thought he was quiet because they were back together, but he must have been getting over the breakup. And I didn’t even ask him how he was--he must think I was- “Harry I had no idea, I would’ve....done-or said something. If I knew. I’m sorry.”

“I thought you were just staying out of it,” Harry chuckles to himself. “I didn’t realise you didn’t know.”

“The breakup was so...civil. I couldn’t tell! Can you imagine if we broke up like that all those years ago?”

That makes Harry laugh. “Maybe we would have made up quicker.”

“Maybe,” I whisper, playing with the ring on my finger. My mind races as the last few days make a lot more sense. But the only question that lingers on my mind was, why Harry didn’t try to make his move. If all those words he said over the last few weeks were true--why didn’t he try to talk to me? The only thing I can come up with was that he wanted to stay friends. It would get too complicated. “Well, now that that’s cleared I should probably go.”

I stand up as Harry does. He clears his throat, looks up at me like he wants to say something. I wait a moment, and when he doesn’t the awkward starts to settle.

“Sorry for waking you,” I say, trying to signal that I was now leaving.

“Doesn’t matter.” He shrugs it off. “But...aren’t you mad that I told Charlie?”

“Uh, yeah. Kind of,” I try to figure out where he’s going with this. “But, given your circumstances, I’ll let it slide just this once.”

“Oh c’mon Y/N,” There’s a ghost of a smile on his lips. “Don’t give me that. I don’t need your pity-forgiveness.”

“Fine,” I cross my arms playing along. “If that’s what you want, I don’t forgive you.”

“Good. I want to earn my forgiveness.” Harry says, and it sounds like he’s saying one thing but meaning another.

“Okay well, I’ll think of something.”

“I can think of a few things,” he says with a twinkle. I can’t help the laugh that bursts out; he was making me nervous.

“Like what?” I impulsively ask, fuck it I tell myself. If I couldn’t flirt with my daughter’s single dad what was the point, right?

“Hm,” he takes the few steps between us and flashes me a charming smile. “I could get on my hands and knees and beg, or” he tucks a strand of hair behind my ear and his finger traces the curve of my ear down to my neck, his movements slow and his finger dipping borderline dangerous. “I hear jewellery can work.” he taps my chest but just as quickly his hand moves up to cup my face, his thumb brushing my lips, “or I can cook you your favourite meal and watch you enjoy it or...” I keep my eyes on him, trying not to give in, but as soon as he moves his hand up into my hair, I close my eyes without meaning to. He knew my favourite feeling was his fingers in my hair and even now, it was no different.

“Or what?” I whisper, eyes still closed, too afraid of what I’ll see if I open them.

“Look at me,” He whispers. I swallow, he says it again and I finally open my eyes. He’s not even hiding what he wants, but he is holding back. “I don’t want to force you into anything, I want you Y/N...but I know you’re with Marc so if you want me to stop I-”

“Harry,” I cut him off. Marc was right, he really didn’t know--that must be why he left me alone. And now in the midst of this heat, I had to tell him--I’d only played myself: “Marc and I aren’t together. We got together a few times but we were never actually...together.”

“Wait.” his hand leaves my hair and I want to snatch it back. He takes a step away, his eyes flitting at he thinks. “So this whole time?”

I shrug.

“This whole time, you just let me believe you and him...”

I try not to look too guilty as realization dawns on him. When he steps towards me again, his mouth is curved into a smile. And one might think it’s a nice smile, but the look in his eyes, I knew he was gearing up for something, because now he knows I let him believe Marc and I were going out on purpose. And I was going to pay.

“Okay, okay so I can explain,” I hold my hand out but he just keeps walking until I stumble back into the couch I just got up from. He leans over me, and a giggle bursts out from nervousness. “Harry really, I-”

“You let me believe,” he grabs the hand I have raised and envelops it in his, taking away my only defense. “That you were going out with Marc? just to bother me?”

“Well,” I’m at a loss for words as I look everywhere but at his face. “It worked, didn’t it?”

“A little too well,” he murmurs. When I give in and look at him, I'm a goner.

“I'm sorry,” I say. “Really I-”

“You’re not getting away with it that easily.”

“What happened to forgiveness? We can mutually forgive!”

“I’m not that kind of person,” he says. Before I can respond he’s somehow managed to lift me up and sling me over his shoulder.

“This-Harry!” I try to wriggle out but his hands are iron clad on my legs. His apartment floats upside down as he carries me. “I’m sorry! C’mon! This is cruel and unusual punishment! I-”

The breath is knocked out of me as he lays me down on the bed, we look at each other for a moment and then his face cracks into a grin, “Last time I checked, you were into cruel and unusual punishment.”

I laugh, “That was four years ago love, a lot can change in 4 years.”

“Hm,” he leans over me and I crawl up the bed until my head hits the pillow, as he follows. “But some things never change, do they?”

“No,” I stare into his green eyes. They shine with unadulterated joy and adoration. My stomach swarms with butterflies like I’m a teenage girl, like I was Y/N so long ago, excited the hot guy from the party took me home. I hold his face in mine and kiss him with the same joy and adoration. “Some things never change.”

“I love you Y/N,” he says into my neck. I push him up to look at him, he says it again and I can’t stop grinning.

“Are you going to make me wait?” he raises an eyebrow. “Is that my punishment.”

I shake my head, “I think we punished each other enough the last few years.”

He nods in agreement, “That’s deep.”

“So’s my love,” I push the cheesiness which always got him to laugh. He laughs now too, and I feel the small thrill of being the one to do that. “I love you”

“Phew. Now let me kiss you,” he pulls my shirt off effortlessly and our lips meet in the middle, missing each other already.

And as we press into each other, relearning every inch of the other, catching up for all those silent years, we just fit together like we were absolutely made for each other. And truer words didn’t exist: some things never change.

Epilogue

#Harry Styles #harry styles fic #harry styles fanfic #harry styles x reader #harry styles angst #harry styles fluf #harry styles imagine #fic #writingsfromhome #dad!harry #writing #fanfic #harry styles series #here it is #finally #finished series

[luna--reading]

[PICK A CARD] - SINGLES LOVE: How to find love

Hello lovelies~ ♡

This is a pick a card reading for “How to find love” – mainly targeted at singles. I picked a total of 5 cards (might have more for some pile) for this reading and some oracle cards.

Do take what resonates because this is after all a general reading so it can’t possibly resonate with everyone. If you’d like a more personalised reading, do DM me as I’m currently doing free reading (as I’m still in the process of learning).

So take a few minutes to mediate on these 4 piles:

Six of wands

Three of pentacles

Page of pentacles

Nine of swords

Once you’re ready, just scroll below to find the reading that you have chosen!

You can always leave a comment or simply like the post if it resonates with you, thank you so much~ ♡♡♡

Pile 1:

Currently, you are represented as the King of Cups – so you are in control of your emotions. You are very emotionally balanced and at the same time, you have so much love to give. However, this also came with the Queen of Swords which meant that your situation or even the people around can be very critical of you. Despite having this much love to give, you find it hard to do so, because you are currently in a situation whereby others seem very dominating over you and that you are surrounded by negativity or toxicity. For others, it could be that there is someone who is very cold-hearted around you and is undermining your emotions which lead you to keep all of these emotions to yourself. So, the behavioural patterns that are affecting your love life could be the fact that you might be immature at times when it comes to love and that you might be seen as irresponsible with the Page of Pentacles (reversed). Now, the Page of Swords (reversed) is here to tell you that you need to improve on your communication skills in order for you to find love. And that maybe, you have to let go of certain boundaries that you are putting up because it could mean that you are withholding a lot of information to yourself which is not helping you in finding love. So, let go of your defences and improve on your communication skills. Now, one thing you have to change is probably your mindset – you are currently stuck in the thought that you are probably going to stay single for life and that you are not going to find any love partner and this is affecting your energy in general. Three of Pentacles (reversed) talks about your lack of growth and motivation in this journey of finding love and that it is hindering you. Lastly, free yourself from the obsession of trying to plan for your future. It’s not a bad thing to plan for your future because it shows that you are mature enough to take on a relationship, but you might be too fixated on it, that you are ignoring so many other factors out there. The Two of Wands shows that you are constantly stuck in the state of having to make choices after choices that love never comes up as one of your choices at the end of the day.

Messages from the universe:

Thank you, Universe for helping me see beyond the limits of fear. Thank you for expanding my perceptions so I can see what is of the highest good. The moment I realign with love, clear direction is presented to me. When I’m in alignment with the love of the universe, peace cannot be disrupted. Understand that it is alright to plan for your future, but trust that there are bigger things out there that the universe has in plan for you and trust in the universe as you start on your journey in seeking love. Once you align yourself with the plans that the universe has for you, that’s when everything will slowly start to fall in place.

Messages from the fairies

WINTER and GET SOME EXERCISE – Your wish will be granted during the winter season (probably in December) and that while you wait and manifest this love, do some work out and put yourself in a great shape as you feel stronger in all ways (physically, mentally, emotionally)

Pile 2:

You are represented as The Fool (reversed) which means that you are currently stuck in this situation that you are unwilling to take a step forward or that there is this new beginning offer that you are unwilling to take. You might have went through a heartache and it affected you so badly that you decide to shun yourself off from relationships and I see that there might be an offer that is given to you but you are very hesitant to take that leap of faith, in fear that history might repeat itself. Now, you are a very independent person as shown by the Nine of Pentacles but your independence might come off as too strong which might scare off potential partners. Your independence is running high, that you are so used to being in your “single” energy that you are just telling potential partners that “I don’t need a partner, I’m fine being all by myself” which I can totally understand, seeing how you are represented as The Fool (reversed). Now, the King of Pentacles (reversed) is here to remind you that you have to work hard for the stability and security that you seek in a relationship. You tend to get jealous very easily which affects your relationship with your partner and it creates this distance between the two of you and that is something you have to improve on. Eight of Cups (reversed) is reminding you that if you are feeling very unhappy in a relationship, don’t be afraid to speak out your thoughts and if things aren’t working out, don’t hesitate to put your own happiness first, instead of your partner. Now, I see you as someone who devotes all your time, effort, love into your partner that when problems arise, you tend to put it all onto yourself and not speaking up, which is clearly stated as the King of Pentacles (reversed) – that you might get jealous easily but you don’t voice out, suppressing the emotions and even when those emotions are build up and is waiting to explode, you don’t seem to put yourself first and you just want your partner to be happy. Relationships take two to work together, so it’s not just a matter of you putting in the effort which could have resulted in your heartache the last time. Understand that there are some things that you just have to let go, and change the ways that you deal with such situation. Now, liberate yourself from all of these stress and anxiety. Take a break, release yourself from any heartache and just start healing yourself. The past is the past and you are still hung up in that energy which is inevitable but understand that there are some things you’ve got to let go, in order to bring in new energy.

Messages from the universe:

I witness the darkness and call on the light with my prayer. Thank you, Universe, for guiding me to perceive this fear through the eyes of the teacher of love. Attack, pain, fear, judgement, and any form of separation are merely calls for help. Oneness is my true nature.

Understand that there are some pain you have to go through as part of your life lessons but with love, you are able to overcome any obstacles. Believe that you are able to get yourself together and be one with your spiritual mind.

Messages from the fairies:

VEGETARIAN and ADMIT YOUR TRUE FEELINGS TO YOURSELF – As you detoxify yourself from past negativity, look within yourself and listen to your own intuition. Trust that the universe has plans for you as you let go of any toxic situations and that this time, you can trust your own feelings that everything will turn out to be alright.

Pile 3:

You are represented as the Knight of Cups (reversed) which meant that you are feeling this loss of not being able to make that offer to someone that means a lot to you, as represented as The Star.  It could also mean that you are procrastinating or avoiding to make that decision as you are feeling hopeful about a situation that you are in currently. The Ten of Wands (reversed) could mean that you tend to give up very easily which results in you unable to gain that harmony and love that you want in relationship, as seen from the Two of Cups (reversed). This is further clarified by the Five of Cups as you tend to only see the negative/loss in a particular relationship or potential relationship that you don’t focus on the good side. Now, there are a lot of unhealthy obsessions/thoughts that might be plaguing you right now, and the Shadow Side/Devil is advising you to improve on it. These thoughts are not good for this relationship and is hindering your journey in finding love. The Shadow Side (in this deck) shows that you are willing to face the devil and look towards the light, the bright side which is something you can further improve and work on as you embark on this journey of love. Now, the Queen of Pentacles is here to tell you that you should always take things slow, you tend to dive into things too quickly and it messes things up. Because the Queen of Pentacles is a very grounded, stable energy that it is calling for you to be slow and steady. The Hermit (reversed) is suggesting that you’ve been feeling lonely for a very long time and it is time to liberate yourself and trust that it is time for you to accept the love that is coming in your way. This is clarified by the Six of Pentacles (reversed) which shows me that you might have been taken advantaged of in the past because of your generosity when it comes to love and you are afraid of being take advantaged of this time. I pulled the King of Cups as the clarifier and indeed, you are so filled with deep emotions that you are so loving, people tend to take this loving energy for granted and simply make use of you in that sense.

Messages from the Universe:

I am the dreamer of my dream. In every moment, the Universe is conspiring to bring me toward right-minded thinking and the energy of love. When I lean toward love, I am led. When I focus on my inner light, I see the world through the lens of love.

Indeed, when you trust the Universe is working in your favours, you are able to see that love is able to overcome anything. Don’t be afraid to love and trust that as you focus on yourself, the Universe is here to bring love into your life and you will be able to manifest your dreams in the end.

Messages from the fairies:

YOU’VE GOT THE POWER and WHOM DO YOU NEED TO FORGIVE? – There are still certain resentments to be let go of or healing to be done, but I see you in the process of healing already and trust that you have the abilities to manifest all of your dreams and wishes after you let go of certain resentments as well as heal yourself. Have faith in yourself that you are able to get through this journey and gain the love of your life.

Pile 4:

You are represented as the Five of Swords (reversed) which meant that you are currently or have already ended a relationship (which is quite recent). Now, the Tower (reversed) might show that sometimes, even when cracks in the relationship are obvious, you tend to avoid and ignore it. The Tower (reversed) means that you are resisting this change and that you just don’t want to see it because you are afraid of letting go of certain relationships but understand that the Tower moment is inevitable and it will eventually crumble because the foundation itself is weak. However, with this crumble, it will only mean a start of a more stable foundation as you build on new relationships (or even past relationships). Now, things to improve on in your love life is to build on your emotions and compassion. You might tend to keep emotions to yourself and this is holding you back in your love life as your partner might not feel the love from you. Understand that with the Ace of Cups as something you need to change, it just means that you have to show your abundance of emotions you have for your partner. The cup is overflowing with love but you are not showing it to your partner which could have played a huge role in the end of your past relationships. Ace of Pentacles is here to ask you to liberate yourself from the constant thought of wanting to have a new beginning in terms of your career or financial wise. You are hoping to make this offer of have this offer that you are not seeing any other things other than materialistic items. Free yourself from having this obsessive thought of needing to build on a stable career before you can find love – it’s not saying you can’t build on your career first, but you are so fixated on this constant new beginning that you are totally putting off other things.

Messages from the Universe:

The universe works fast when I’m having fun. My vibes speak louder than my words. I surrender to a power greater than me.

Understand that there are certain warning signs/red flags that you have to take note of in relationships and that relationships should not make you feel drained and tired all the time. In fact, in the opposite manner, you should always have fun in your relationships.

Messages from the fairies:

PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE, YOUR DESIRE IS WITHIN YOUR REACH and TRAVEL – You might find new love when you travel or you might clear your thoughts after you come back from your trip, such as knowing that there are certain things that you should let go of control of. It’s not easy to let go of things as we say, and it takes constant practice, but just know that as long as you smooth out certain rough edges in your love life now, have faith and everything will work in your favour.

#pickacard #Pick A Card #tarotreading #Tarot #tarot reading #tarot reading love #Free Tarot #Free Reading Love #Love

[sexxxyfeetsforu]

To my Jorenzo,

Happy 1st year anniversary

I can't believe that it's been a year. Ang bilis ng panahon, pero parang antagal na din, pakiramdam ko I've been with you for more than a year. Ang bilis no? Di ko naimagine na aabot tayo sa ganto, dala siguro ng experience at ng takot sa idea na ang mga bagay ay kadalasang temporary.

Sobrang hirap pala mag maintain ng long term relationship, no? Hindi ko alam na ganon pala kailangang effort ang gawin to make everything work, I thought it would always be based on whether or not you're compatible, and when that compatibility changes due to time and growth, it's time for things to end. Andaming pagkakataon na akala ko matatapos na tayo, lalo na recently pero heto tayo ngayon.

Nung mga unang buwan natin, sabi ko, "madali lang to, hindi kami mag-aaway, pareho kaming madaling makakausap" boy was I wrong. Habang tumatagal, lumalim lahat ng bagay, kasabay nun yung pagiging complicated ng relationship natin.

Aaminin ko na madaming pagkakataon na napagod ako, gusto ko na sumuko, pero hindi ko din alam bakit hindi ko magawa. Masaya akong hindi ko ginawa.

When we started officially dating, I was very cautious. Palagi kong iniisip kung anong pwedeng mangyari, kung hanggang saan tayo aabot, kung anong phase na dapat yung relationship natin sa gantong panahon. I was so guarded kaya palagi kong iniisip na, it's okay, ieenjoy ko muna mga bagay pero alam kong hanggang dito lang tayo. I know you're aware of how much paranoia I had when our 6th month was coming up, I was scared that maybe sa panahon na yun, you'll start seeing you I really am- that I'm not the one you really want and need. Kaya nung nalagpasan natin yon, you have no idea how surprised I was, pero still, there was fear within me that you're going to leave me anytime.

But you didn't.

Misunderstandings piled up and overlapped one another but you we're still there the next morning. Even when we had the biggest misunderstanding we've ever had in months, even though I thought it was the end of us, you didn't go.

Not to be a cheesy hopeless romantic pero, I've been waiting so long for someone to stick around even when things get rough, kahit ilang beses ko na sabihing ayaw ko na, at the end hindi ko din naman kaya. Nung nag-away tayo nun, parang gumuho mundo ko dahil hindi ko inaasahang manggagaling sayo yung mga salitang yun. Hindi ko akalain na dadating panahon na sasabihin mo sa akin na mas mabuti na maghiwalay na tayo, na naguguluhan ka na. Siguro masyado ako nagpakampante, kaya nung dumating yung araw na yon, nawala yung pagiging kalmado ko sa mga bagay, dahil baka nga dumating na yung kinakatakutan ko, na baka tumagal lang nang onti pero hanggang dito lang ako.

Just when I thought it was the end of us, you still listened and talked to me kahit na alam kong masama loob mo, I'll forever be grateful for that moment.

Alam kong we're getting old for that "pull me back every time I push you away" thing, kaya I really appreciate your effort and your patience with me.

I admit na hanggang ngayon I still have tendencies pero it feels nice knowing that someone is willing to understand and to help you grow from what kind of person you are inside a relationship.

Habang tumatagal tayo, napapansin ko na ang laking pinagbago ng ugali ko as a person and as someone who is committed in a relationship. Hindi naman siguro maiiwasan na maging irrational paminsan-minsan, pero ang laking pasasalamat ko na andito ka palagi to keep me grounded- that there's no use of being petty and immature if we can talk about it openly.

Akala ko maning-mani lang magmaintain ng relationship kung "mature" ka na at may experience, hindi pala ganon kadali. Buti na lang nandyan ka. I used to think it's all about sparks and compatibility pero it's more than that pala.

It's about understanding each other's priorities, being mindful of each other's frustrations even from the littlest of things; respecting each other's boundaries and limits; about the spoken and unspoken conversations that manifests in service and touch; and my favorite na nanggaling sayo, it's about learning and unlearning things dahil you're with someone who's human; complex and dynamic, always changing and always growing.

Sa tuwing nirereassure mo ko, palagi kong nararamdaman na nasa tamang lugar na ako. Yung mga kinakatakutan ko, andyan lang siguro sila, pero tuwing sinasabi mo sakin na magiging okay ang lahat, nawawala lahat nang yon.

I'll forever be grateful for the times you've proven yourself worthy of my trust. It means a lot to me, kahit gano kaliit. Maraming salamat na hindi mo ko sinusukuan. Maraming salamat, sa maraming pagkakataon na you did your best to show me how much you love me when I become self-destructive and regress back to my bad habits and attitude. Alam kong madalas hindi mo alam gagawin mo, pero you're always trying.

Sa totoo lang it feels so surreal to be with someone for a year, hanggang ngayon hindi ako makapaniwala.

Hindi ako makapaniwala na isang taon na kong patuloy na binibigyan ng pagkakataon na mahalin ka, at makatanggap ng pagmamahal galing sayo.

Masayang masaya ako sayo, pinapawi mo lahat ng pagod, takot at cynicism na meron ako. Thank you for making me feel that it's okay to trust and love with all my heart and with all that I can.

Maraming salamat dahil you shower me with so much love, support and encouragement to help me get through every hardship I encounter. I don't know what and where I'll be now without you. You bring so much happiness and motivation, dahil sayo, andami kong nagagawa na hindi ko alam na kaya ko pala, at mga bagay na nage-excel ako na akala ko hindi ko na magagawa nang maayos. I've gained so much more confidence because of you. I learned to love and accept myself because of you; you made me feel like I'm worthy of love- of your love. Pakiramdam ko palagi kaya kong gawin lahat ng bagay kapag may suporta mo, kaya naman every victory cinecelebrate ko dahil alam kong magustuhan mo din yun para sakin. I celebrate every victory with you in mind.

Dahil sayo, I aspire to be the best version of myself lagi, you inspire me to work kasi nakikita ko kung gano ka kagaling at katyaga sa mga ginagawa mo. Ang galing galing mo, I really admire the things that you do, I understand that there are times where you feel na it's not fulfilling, or that your work's not enough, pero para sa akin napaka-galing mo. I wish I could do the same things as you do; I wish I have the same set of skills that you have. I really admire your work, your mind, and your relationship skills with other people.

Sana palagi mong tandaan na andito lang ako at susuportahan kita palagi, na handang handa ako pakinggan lahat ng hinakakit at hinaing mo, mapa-personal man o sa pag-aaral mo ngayon.

Pakiramdam ko napaka-swerte ko dahil bukod sa pagiging best boyfriend mo, andami ko pang natututunan galing sayo. Bawat knowledge na shinashare mo sakin ay appreciated and acknowledged palagi, I always feel so honored whenever you share things that you enjoy and find interesting to me. I love seeing you glow and your eyes spark from excitment whenever you talk about the things you're really passionate about, napaka-swerte ko na binabahagi mo sakin yung mga bagay na yun.

Maraming salamat dahil kahit gano kahirap, patuloy mo kong pinipili sa pang araw-araw, patuloy mong pinaparamdam sakin kung gano ka kasigurado sa ating dalawa. Salamat sa mga pagkakataon na ikaw nagiging lakas ko sa tuwing nanghihina ako, sa mga pagkakataon na sabay tayong umiiyak dahil dinadamayan mo ko sa mga kalungkutan ko.

Sa mga pagkataong sinasabi at pinapaalala mo sa aking hindi mo ko iiwan at pababayaan, maraming maraming salamat.

Kung ano ako ngayon, hindi magiging possible kung wala ka.

Salamat dahil sayo ko natutuhang magtiwala at mas lalo pang maging mapagpahalaga sa mga maliliit na bagay.

Ang lungkot nga isipin na halos apat na buwan lang tayo nagkasama at nagkasulitan bilang magjowa, pero gagawin ko lahat nang kaya kong gawin para maiparamdam sayo na kahit gano tayo kalayo ngayon sa isa't-isa, kahit may mga pagkakataong hindi tayo nag-uusap buong magdamag, hinding hindi ka naaalis sa isip ko.

For what it's worth, the distance made me appreciate you even more, it made me realize how important you really are to me, and continues to remind me of how committed I truly am to you and our relationship.

I'll continue to grow and be the best version of myself as much as I can within your loving and accepting arms. Thank you for always giving me a chance, thank you for growing with me as time goes by, and for loving me for who I am.

I feel so lucky to be in this wonderful relationship with you.

I'm so looking forward sa mga taon na dadating pa, pati na rin sa pagkakataon na makapag-settle down na tayo. Minsan naiintindihan ko na baka nga masyado pang maaga, pero salamat dahil inaacknowledge mo yung mga ganong nararamdaman ko, I really appreciate it.

Siguro nga it's too early to say it pero I really want to be with you for the rest of my life if time permits. Buo ang loob ko sayo, ganon ako kasigurado.

Mahal na mahal kita, Jorenzo. I love every fiber of your being, every inch of you- everything that makes you, you.

Happy 1st anniversary and many more to come!

Forever yours,

Hannah

[ante--meridiem]

Since a few people have commented on the scene between them in the last fic I wrote, can I take this opportunity to talk about how I see the dynamic between Albus and Aberforth? Because it's one of those details I never expected to care about, but once I started writing it, I realised I actually love it.

Note: headcanons ahead, since we don't have enough canonical scenes of them interacting to base this purely in canon.

So, obviously, there are some very clear reasons for their conflicts. Gellert and Ariana. Aberforth resenting that Albus is the "golden child". Albus resenting that he feels responsible for Gellert. But these are the external conflicts. I think that beyond all that, what it boils down to is that they are two very different people who have absolutely no idea how to communicate with each other.

Both of them have a strong temper, but Albus is the kind of person who internalise it and tries very hard to keep a lid on it, whereas Aberforth prefers to be completely blunt about it. And if there is one thing I've noticed in life, it's that those two approaches do not go well together; the blunt one always sees the self-contained one as passive-aggressive, whereas the self-contained one sees the other as needlessly picking fights.

So, as is often enough the case in family, these two people with vastly different personalities know each other very well in terms of behavioural patterns - well enough to successfully get under each others' skins and accurately call each other out - but they don't understand what those patterns actually mean from the other's perspective.

From Aberforth's perspective, he feels extremely overshadowed by Albus. Albus is the perfect, brilliant, mature one and Aberforth feels he needs to be as brash and confrontational as possible just to be heard. But of course, that has the opposite effect of making it easier for Albus to believe he's just acting out and being immature.

On the other hand, though, I think Albus listens a lot more than Aberforth realises. The problem is that he shows this by going silent in order to internally process people's feedback, and while he thinks his silence says "I am taking your words seriously and will think about them deeply", what Aberforth hears is "I don't think your point is even deserving of an answer". I think that if Aberforth knew how deeply Albus considers and plays back any criticism of himself he deems even marginally valid, he would choose his words a lot more carefully. He still sees Albus as invulnerable, untouchable and in need of being brought down.

On Albus end, though, I think he really doesn't realise any of this. He thinks it's obvious, now, that he is in need of Aberforth's forgiveness and therefore Aberforth holds the reins of their relationship. He doesn't believe it's necessary to tell Aberforth that he values him, and so, his pride won't allow it. We all saw him call Aberforth his "much more admirable" brother, but I'm convinced he would never say that to Aberforth's face.

But as well as that, I think Aberforth needs to see Albus' vulnerability. And that's why the entire dynamic of the scene I wrote changes when Albus asks Aberforth why he has to be so cruel. I believe that it's the first time Albus ever admits that Aberforth's words actually hurt him, and it's exactly what Aberforth needs to hear in order to acknowledge his brother as human and fallible. He's no longer a figure that needs to be brought down; Aberforth knows he's gotten through to him and now he can acknowledge that he doesn't actually want to hurt him; while part of his anger is definitely about Ariana, and another part petty sibling jealousy, a third part definitely comes from concern for Albus himself and the patterns Aberforth sees him trapped in. And I think Albus very much needs to know that Aberforth does care about him, after all the time he's spent believing Aberforth wished he would have died in Ariana's place.

#albus dumbledore #aberforth dumbledore #people's reactions to the scene i wrote with them inspired me to give more detail on it #because i think there's a lot going on below the surface #headcanons #meta #character analysis #the dumbledore siblings

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #225

“i tried to write your name in the rain, but the rain never came.”

How many times a day do you check your cell to see if you have a text? Considering my dumb phone doesn't let me know I have texts half the time, I do multiple times throughout the day. Ever wonder if the person you hate will become the person you marry? HA HA YOOOOOOOOOOOO SARA AND I DID AND NOW I DEADASS WANNA MARRY HER TOMORROW How many times a day do you wash your hands? It varies. After I use the bathroom or if I'm about to touch food. You walk in on your parents smoking pot, what do you do? lol h u h How old were you when you had your first crush? Hell if I know. I do remember as a young kid though, I was very much "ew boys no thnx." Maybe like... 5th grade? When was the last time you asked God for something? A long, long time ago. Your opinion on smoking: Just don't, dude. It's money going towards gradual suicide. No one likes the smell. You sure won't like how it affects your body. It's an addiction/it's stressful to stop. I'm not gonna like, judge you if you smoke, but nevertheless, I'll tell anyone it's an awful idea. Make love or fuck? It depends on the mood. I was more into the former mood back when that even applied to me, though. Have you ever cried so much over something that later felt like nothing? Oh, I can assure you I have. The last time you were afraid of the dark was: I'm not really scared of the dark, but one time I got up semi-recently in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, and after one incident, I was so, so careful and nervous to step on Bentley's tail. He lost his fucking mind on me when I did it once, of course on accident. The TV was off by this point, so I couldn't see well at all. I love having a dog that fucking scares me. How often do you say I love you to your parents and mean it? A whole lot. Your boyfriend/girlfriend say they can’t hang out & it’s been two weeks. You? I mean sure, it sucks, but if they're legitimately busy, they're busy. Have you ever wanted a wild animal for a pet? If yes what animal? I had a phase where I really wanted a fox, and now I am DEAD serious about fostering opossums at some point. When you go to sleep, do you have to have white noise or silence? SILENCE. Though I don't really get /total/ silence 'cuz I have to have my fan on. My room's always hot. Have you ever gotten in a fight with a teacher? No. Ever had a creepy dream about a teacher? No. Where were you when you had your first sleepover? Your house or a friends’? I believe I was at my then-best friend's house. I had suuuuch bad separation anxiety from my mom that I know I was older than most kids who did. What are you limits for doing stuff for money? I'd never do sexual favors or seriously hurt someone for it. Is there someone you are mean to all the time for no reason? No. I'll admit I'm typically rather short with Bentley, but Jesus, do I have reason. When you think of love what’s the first that comes to mind? Sara. How do you calm your mind and find peace when you are stressed? My best bet is going to sleep; that's pretty much, usually, my reset button. Have you ever given someone flowers? I gave Jason flowers once or twice. I gave my mom some for Mother's Day as a kid. How often do you get on Facebook? A couple times a day... mainly just to see memes lmaoooo. What day of the week is usually your busiest day? Good Lord, Tuesdays. I'm at school for 13 hours. Mostly sitting in the library waiting for classes, but. I do study a whole lot, though, and it's when I get a bunch of schoolwork done. Is there a place that you will never return back to? Idk. When was the last time that you created a PowerPoint? I'm actually working on/off one for FYS 'cuz we have to do this "Lifeline" thing where we introduce ourselves and give our stories. Guess who's not fucking ready. Do you like group work? NO. NO. Particularly if it's with people I don't know. Do you have any stickers on your laptop? No. Is music or the TV on while you complete this survey? I'm listening to Chase Holfelder's cover of "Kiss The Girl" rn. Does your grass need cut currently? No. Do you listen to Nirvana? Occasionally. What color are the doors in your house? White. Have your friends ever not wanted you to be with someone? Probably. What is your favorite use for whipped cream? I hate that stuff. What is your favorite flower? Orchids. And your favorite nut? Ew no thanks. Can you curse in a foreign language? Of course I know "fuck" and "shit" in German lmao. Are you fond of spaghetti? Hell yeah man. Have you ever played in the mud? I sure did zoom through it on my bike as a kid. Do you remember what your first real relationship felt like? That relationship ultimately led to PTSD, how could I possibly forget. Who can make you happy no matter what? Sara, Mark, and Game Grumps are particularly good at that. How tall are you? 5'4.5'' Are there any animals near you? No, I'm at school rn. Do have a lot of lists? No. Are you a godparent? No. Do you sleep too much or not enough? Eh, it depends on the day and my mood. Have you ever gone a full day without interacting with another person? Yep. How many relationships have you been in that lasted less than a year? Four. Where were you going the last time you were on a train? Never been on one before. Do you think having a bad temper is a sign of immaturity? I mean, no? It's an interesting question and I guess a "maybe," but. I feel this depends on the trigger. Have you ever been significantly more physically fit than you are now? I was a fucking yoga master babe in 9th grade, fuckin fite me. When growing up, did your parents keep the house very tidy? I guess? It wasn't dirty. How many watches do you own? Zero. Are there any ways in which you greatly differ from everyone else in your family? Political views, I guess? Or the fact I'm bi? I only know of one person in my extended family that's gay. Should teenagers be allowed to have their cell phones with them in class? No shit? Emergencies are a thing? BUT, respect the teacher, please. I cannot stand people using their phone in class, especially here in college. You're paying a shitload to learn. Spend that time as you're supposed to. Take education seriously. If your phone's on vibrate for said emergency situations, that's cool. Do you have any gay relatives? Lol oh. Yeah, Mom has a cousin. Have you ever had to have a pet put down? Yeah. Have you unfollowed, deleted, or blocked anyone on social media recently? I deleted my sister's mother-in-law in fury over her homophobia because I've seriously had it, then just a few days ago actually I went through my Facebook list deleting people I just didn't really feel connected to/didn't really care to follow their journey anymore. How many cups of coffee do you typically drink per day? Zero. Do you know what your vocal range is? It's not broad. I'd say I'm probably in a rank slightly lower than most women. What’s the biggest financial mistake you’ve ever made? I've never really been in the position to be capable of that. I've never had a source of income. If so, what sub-genres of metal do you like the best? Probably heavy. Or symphonic, though I haven't found too many artists in that sub-genre that I really enjoy. But BOY, when I do? I will BINGE that shit to the ends of the earth. Have you ever turned down someone who didn’t handle the rejection well? Ha ha oh man, I remember in 4th grade, this kid Nick was desperate to date me. It was endearing and cute, but he asked kinda obsessively. Then jfc, when I broke up with Tyler, you would've thought I was Jason and he was me, holy shit. How large is your largest scar, and what is it from? Well, I can't see it, so I actually don't know. I guess kinda long, but not wide. It's from a cyst removal surgery. Who was the last person you sincerely thanked? Omg, my Writing teacher. She really liked my writing on my essay. I was so flattered. When was the last time you went for a walk? Like, just a casual walk for the sake of walking? Not since I was at Sara's last. That was when my muscle atrophy was starting to get extremely bad though and I was very close to death omg. Have you ever been in a relationship where there was a large difference in maturity levels? I don't think so. When cooking a meal, do you clean up as you go or wait til you’re done? I don't know how to cook. Do you develop crushes easily? NO. I am soooooo romantically picky. What’s the longest you’ve ever stayed as a guest at someone’s house? A month or more with Colleen after we were evicted. That was a really good time, honestly, regardless of how we feel about each other now. I don't think anyone's done something so selfless for me, and we really did have fun. How bad was your acne when you were a teenager? I'd say it was normal for someone that age. Do you like salsa that has fruit in it? NO. Do you think stained glass windows are pretty? Hell yeah. That was my favorite thing about the church I grew up with; Catholic churches tend to truly have incredible stained glass. Are you scared of snakes? Nope, snakes are Baby. Have you had your wisdom teeth removed? No; I only have two, and I just slightly have enough room for them. Do you like hard or soft pretzels better? I strongly prefer soft. Have you ever been carded when buying something? Yes. Do you eat meat? Regretfully. Can you sleep with the light on? NOOOOOOOOOO. I have to truly be exhausted. Have you ever broken a bone? No, but I did fracture my wrist as a kid. Have you ever made ice cream in chemistry class? Bitch I wish, tf. Do you use the microwave often? Considering a bitch can't cook, yes. Microwavable meals are the reason I am alive. Have you ever painted a room? No. What’s in your copy and paste? This survey. Do you know anyone that’s painfully, socially awkward? Fuckin ME JFC. How do you usually pose in your pictures? With the left side of my face facing the camera (bc my hair kinda swoops over the right side), and I'll usually smile with my teeth or do a :D face bc at least I look happy instead of high with my squinty-ass eyes. :') Do you know anyone that absolutely freaks out if you try to take a picture of them? um????????? me?????????????? Do you pick on them for it and attempt to take loads of pictures anyway? If someone doesn't want me to take a picture of them, I absolutely don't push them 'cuz I totally get it. How’s your posture? Bad. Have you ever had to take care of a fake baby in family ed? Thank God in Heaven no. I. Would. Have. Raged. ^ were you a good mother/father? N/A What’s your favorite way to wear your hair up? My hair is too short for that. But I generally find french braid buns SO pretty. Have you ever read a ‘banned’ book? Uh, I don't think so. What does your screen name mean? Favorite animal, meerkats, + favorite artist, Ozzy Osbourne. Have you ever had to take a sobriety test? N- no wait. They were mandatory when I've gone to the ER for suicidal thoughts. Do you like movies more if they’re based on actual events? It doesn't really matter to me. What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done with your cell phone? Idk, dropped it? What’s your opinion on gold diggers? Selfish, or smart? Both? Uh, I don't think it's exactly debatable to call it selfish... I mean, you're dating for the sake of monetary gain...? What would you do if your bf/gf was hitting on someone else right in front of you? I couldn't even try to picture her doing that, but obviously I'd be uncomfortable and jealous. What’s something you’ve done that you’ve sworn you’d never do? Idk, multiple things. Which ex of yours do you talk to the most? I only talk to Girt. Can you recall the first person you ever drank/got drunk/high with? I drank with family, probably, but I've never reached the point of being drunk, and I've never been high. ^ are you still friends? I mean, I love my family. Have you ever taken someone else’s vehicle without permission? No. What were you doing the last time you were videotaped? *shrugs* Is that something you’d be comfortable uploading and sharing? I don't know what it would be. Which friend wears the same size clothes as you do? Probably none? I don't have many friends to compare to. Is there anyone’s wardrobe that you’d like to steal? UM Suzy Hanson is a B A B E? ?? ? ? ??? I adooooorrrrre her clothing line (Psychic Circle), too, and so wanna buy something. Have you ever been lost in the woods? DARLIN I've watched The Blair Witch Project 2 much for that shit. What did you last stretch the truth about? Idk. Have you ever had withdrawals from something? Caffeine, and then WoW for quite a few months after I stopped playing for like, a year or more. Is there anyone on your friend’s list you know next to nothing about? I know at least one of Mom's friends that I've only met once, and briefly. How old is 'too old’ for you to date? I wouldn't date over 30 (I absolutely stg that has nothing to do with H I S age being 30 lmaoooo). How do you feel about guys in tight jeans? Skinny jeans look good on like, anyone. Favorite hour-long show? Uhhh idk. Well, at least out of the shows I used to like and would be most interested in watching, The Good Doctor. Favorite half-hour show? Meerkat Manor. Most people who’ve slept over at your house all at once? My current house? Just one, I think. Steak or chicken? Chicken. I'm piiiiickyyyy w/ steak. Is flirting really cheating? Yes, if you're clearly not just teasing. What’s something you own that’s /only/ of sentimental value? My pebble from my partial hospitalization program. What’s your choice of chips? Girrrrrllll gimme Cool Ranch Doritos. What song would you use to torture someone? i t ' s  f r i d a y  f r i d a y What is the weirdest compliment you have ever received? Probably that my nose was cute? If someone REALLY fat was upset, and saying how FAT they were, what would you say? First off, NOT say "you're not fat omg ur beautiful." I'M overweight and don't like when people say that. I'm perfectly aware that you're lying "for my own sake," which is sweet, but it's not helpful. Motivate me/the person to improve without being an asshole. Let them know I believe in them, which I do for ANYONE. If I could lose 60-70 pounds in a year, anyone can. What’s the funniest thing you’ve ever heard a kid say? So when I was very little and my mom gave me orange juice, I freaked out because it had pulp in it. And what did I say? "I CAN'T DRINK THAT IT HAS NIPPLES IN IT" look idk don't ask but boy does Mom love sharing that story. A random stranger walks up to you and says 'you’re hot’. You say: Most likely "go away." Possibly "thank you, but please go away." Actually yeah, that's more likely. Like it's flattering to know someone finds you attractive, but yeah, that's just uncomfortable for some stranger to do that. I also wouldn't want to really piss the person off. Do you send messages on Facebook a lot? Definitely not. Almost the only person ever would be Girt. Have you ever gone to a strip club? No. Not my kinda scene. Like I absolutely will not think less of someone who does this, but I just don't like but moreso feel bad for men or women who reduce themselves to their sexual capabilities. Do you like Chinese food over pizza? Hell nah man. Pizza is supreme. What color is your watch? I'm not wearing one. I never do. Do you believe in love at first sight? Absolutely not. Visual attraction, of course that's real, but I promise you dear, you don't love someone upon looking at them. When you eat Frosted Flakes, do you add sugar in it? I hate that stuff. Who’s the biggest hugger you know? Ashley's father-in-law's mom. ... At least I think that's what she is? Do you want to change your name? Nah, it's fine. Have you ever tried to erase someone from your memory? Of course I have.

#survey #questions #quiz #random #bored

[smarmykemetic]

If you want the people who disagree with you all the time to respect you, well respect has to be earned, you cas't just demand it.

When I got this anon the other day, I ultimately decided to ignore it, because I knew it was almost certainly from the same person who sent me these (x x x), as well as several other pieces of anonymous hatemail that I chose to ignore; as well as almost certainly from one of the same two people (BBSAS and anubianpagan) who I am 99% sure run that anonymous chickenshit drama blog that, ultimately, does nothing but provide a platform for racist, self-righteous cowards to be racist, self-righteous cowards. However, since I just saw in my notes that this same blog has tagged me once again, I decided that I may as well go ahead and give this anon the answer I would give it if I genuinely believed that the sender wanted a conversation about my MO when it comes to what I mean by “respect” and how yall can expect me to treat “””people who disagree with me all the time”””” (read: crypto-fascists and their “centrist” or in some cases, “classically liberal” enablers). 

This is gonna be a long one, so buckle up:

I treat internet arguments that I either start or stumble into, first by giving the other person the benefit of the doubt, and assuming that whatever the disagreement is, is probably a matter of misinformation or miscommunication. Most of the conflicts I deal with online and irl seem to boil down to this in some way, shape, or form, so these days the first thing I do in a confrontation is show my opponent the basic respect of assuming that they are a rational, free-thinking, intelligent person with the best of intentions who just doesn’t know what they’re talking about as well as they think they do. People get very very angry with me when I let on that that is what I think is happening, so I usually try to give them the information and perspectives that I have without being mean or smug. This is also the stage where I sometimes find out that I don’t know what I’m talking about as well as I thought I do; and while it’s usually not fun to find that out, and the other person is usually very smug and mean when they tell me, I’m proud to announce that I have the basic respect for myself, my opponents, and objective fuckin’ reality that I have no problem posting publicly, “I stand corrected; my opponent was right and I was wrong” when I have been convinced, either through hard evidence or persuasive arguments, that I was wrong about something. In fact, I have a tag specifically for admitting i’m wrong and apologizing on both my tumblr blogs (x x). 

The thing is, often, no amount of sharing information or clarifying my political, philosophical, or personal reasons for taking a certain stance on something, will cause the other person to back off or admit they may have been wrong about something. When I realize that I’m dealing with someone who has already decided what they believe and is just going to waste my time by regurgitating points that they obviously heard either on some edgy adult cartoon show that they clearly believe is not just “funny”, but the holder of some kind of deep moral philosophical wisdom; or on some online meme page that, either knowingly or unknowingly, posts literal crypto-fascist propaganda (here’s where i plug a youtube series that has been invaluable in helping me learn to recognize crypto-fascists, in our community and outside of it; no, this particular youtube series is not my only source on this topic; it’s just the one I think is best for this context)…when I realize that is the situation, I once again extend my opponent the basic respect of assuming that they are a rational, free-thinking, intelligent person who has decided, for whatever reason, to believe the things that they believe. I give them credit for believing the things that they argue in favor of, the things that they send me hatemail for criticizing them for, that they are so fucking furious about that they decide the only way they can possibly deal with the alleged authoritarian injustice of me writing and posting things online, is going around and anonymously, desperately trying to get people to believe that I am crazy, or an immature “child”, or a liar, or a dangerous violent extremist, or in league with A/pep itself. Or, usually, all of the above.

I respect them enough to treat them as what they are telling me, both with their words and actions, that they are. And I treat them with all of the “””respect””” that is due to somebody who acts and behaves that way: almost none. As in, so little that I have absolutely no interest in engaging with you or your ideas in any kind of a serious “debate”. So little that I am not interested in meeting whatever standards you may choose to list so that I may, as you say, “””earn your respect”””. In fact, I respect you so little that I am not and will not ever genuinely “demand” your “respect”, because I do not want to be “respected” by you and others like you. I aspire to have as little to do with you as possible. I aspire to prevent you from hurting me, or my friends, or my family, or my neighbors with your racist, fear-mongering bullshit. I aspire to make you change your mind about acting on the things you are telling me you believe; your *~*~opinions~*~* about why you say and do the things you do do not matter to me at all.

Some may say this attitude is mean or unfair. I say that this attitude is simply me refusing to play the respectability politics game, no matter how much anybody whines and screams and cries anonymously, anywhere online. Some may say that this is about me “lacking the emotional maturity” to deal with you and your ilk. I say that this is about me having the compassion for, and solidarity with, and basic respect for the marginalized and oppressed in the Kemetic community that is required to look at someone saying something like, “Hey, what if it’s actually okay to be racist so long as we say we’re not being racist,” and tell them to either shut the fuck up or leave.

Here’s the thing. The advice that virtually every single adult I have ever talked to, and DEFINITELY every single Internet Polytheist Leader Person, gives me for these situations -the situation of dealing with a would-be bully, either on the school playground or on the internet, is to “just ignore them and they’ll go away”. Online, this is usually phrased as, “Don’t feed the trolls”. THIS IS AMONG THE WORST ADVICE I HAVE EVER RECEIVED by the metric of “what actually makes the situation, for me and my friends who are getting bullied, any better”. What this advice does in real life, is allow the bully to realize they have found the thing that every bully is always looking for: an easy target. When you “ignore” bullies in the hopes that they get bored and go away, all you are doing long-term is teaching the bully that there are no consequences for their actions. I didn’t listen to this advice in the first fucking grade; I didn’t listen to it when people told me that’s how I should deal with Solo and their fanclub harassing, threatening, blackmailing, cyberstalking and ultimately doxing me “because I annoyed them”; and I am not going to listen to it now, because that advice does not work and is not meant to help me not get bullied; it is meant to help the authority figure in charge of the situation not have to deal with it personally because, in the words of a serial rapist who was believed over all of his victims for years because he was just such a Nice Guy who everyone loved so fuckin’ much they refused to believe he was capable of rape: “The parent doesn’t want justice, the parent wants quiet.” The reasons and the opinions of the people who give me the advice I know is bad and doesn’t work are irrelevant to me, because at the end of the day,if no one else is willing to, i have to defend myself and my community from the people who would tear us apart in the name of having their right to be racist pricks “respected”.

So, no, I will not be silently accepting whatever abuse you choose to pour into the kemetic tag or into my inbox in the name of “being the bigger person”. I also will not be going and finding any of the people choosing to send me this abuse, and let them set the terms of engagement and tone of the conversation, and take them seriously as they tell me all of this fucking racist nonsense that they delusionally believe is a bunch of Rational Fair Good Points About Politics and Kemeticism. And, once again to make sure it sinks in, I tell all of you, sincerely: I do not and will not EVER give enough of a fuck about “respecting” your whiny anonymous opinions, to stop saying what I’m saying. I respect you enough not to attempt to proselytize or “sell you” on my religious beliefs, but I do not “respect” you enough (or rather, in the way that you wish I “respected” you) to keep my story, as I have experienced it, a secret to protect your feelings and egos. 

If I blocked you, you’re staying blocked. If you’re anonymous, your opinion doesn’t matter because you will not stand by it. Put up or shut up.

#antifa pagan theory #kemetic #asks #anonymous #soloontherocks #once again No You May Not Talk To Me #racism #bill cosby #rape mention #Anonymous

[tzigone]

Favorite characterization of Dick Grayson

What's your favorite era or writer for Dick Grayson?  What characterizations do you like or dislike?

Here are my opinions.  I may ramble a bit. Sorry about that. 

You can skip this paragraph if you don't care how I ended up here and which comics I’ve read  - it's not particularly important, I just wanted to share.  First, while previously having seen on-screen versions of Dick Grayson, and read a bit of DickBabs fanfic (Batman: TAS sold me on them before the show went directions I loathe), I never actually read any issues of DC until 2015ish.  Had been a Marvel girl because they didn't do reboots, but then they destroyed Peter Parker's marriage and rebooted the universe, so I abandoned comics for a while.  But then I saw some reruns of Young Justice cartoon.  So I read some fic.  Many fics incorporated comic characters.  There I discovered Spoiler, who I really liked the idea of as Spoiler (someone who works against Batman's wishes and doesn't obey his orders and refused to back down, but isn’t a killer).  So I read the Robin series for the first 100+ issues (quitting when I knew War Games was near because the storyline sounded bad).  But that made me decide to read the Nightwing comic that stared in that era.  Really liked that, and really liked Dick Grayson (on-screen portrayals had already lead me to favor him).  Then Birds of Prey, Dixon-era, too.  Then, because I liked Dick, the Original and New Teen Titans. Original was too Silver Age for me, but really enjoyed 1980-1986ish New Teen Titans (thought it went downhill after that, and abandoned when I reached 1990 issues).  Also read assorted Golden, Silver, and Bronze Age comics.  So I have relatively broad, but very shallow knowledge of most Bat-eras, with more in-depth knowledge of the '90s and much less of post-2000 (mostly fic, which isn't always representative of the comic).

While I have opinions on various Bat and non-Bat characters and storylines, I'm starting with Dick here. He was my favorite. It's so dependent on writing (as is ever character), and right now he’s Ric, and that is something I’m not interested in. 

While I absolutely like aspects from other eras, and I dislike some aspects from these eras, my favorite time periods for Dick are probably 1980-1986ish and 1996-2000.  There’s some good 70s stuff and I like certain dynamics of him as guardian/mentor to Damian (and some stuff with other family), but as whole, these two eras in his titles (Teen Titans and Nightwing) are my favorites.  For his characterization as stand-alone (rather than his relationships with other characters).

Golden and silver age Dick merit a bit less discussion. Characters weren’t as distinct from each other back then.  Nor, really, as consistent.  But Dick was sometimes regarded as quite a mature young man in the golden age.  Responsible, good grades, intelligent, etc.  But so was Speedy - like I said, not much distinction.  Despite some impressions, in the stories I read I did not notice Robin to make lots of puns or be unusually cheery and smiley.

Come to the mid-60s and Dick was so much a teenager. I mean the original Teen Titans fairly scream with it early on (so much slang, really folks). One writer I didn’t like had him behave like an idiot (I’m not the only one who thought so, judging by the letters pages, though opinions were split).  Really, though, in the early original Teen Titans it felt like writer(s) were trying to push the “teen” thing too much, and they sometimes came off like caricatures.  But it was a time in comics when stories and characterizations were shifting and there were, IMO, both failures and successes in trying to embrace new and different.

The ‘70s were okay. Some bits I liked, and some I didn‘t. Dick is usually responsible in Detective Comics stories. He did a little bit of playing the play-boy (with Silver), which isn’t my speed, since I like the idea that Dick, unlike Bruce, doesn’t put on a facade in day-to-day life.  Had a few girlfriends - very normal and not either stunningly celibate or shockingly promiscuous. Though the entire 70s was one year of college for Dick.

I am not at all fond of the "goofy" Dick that seems to have popped up fairly often in the past 20 years.  They often seemed to have seriously dampened his brainpower and detective skills (because Tim is the smart one and the detective and for some reason they can’t both be that).  I’m not a fan of separate out all Batman’s skills and assigning one to each Robin. It makes the Robins all less than Batman and inferior to him and sets that they will never be his equals and that I do not agree with. Now this is by no means a *consistent* thing, but it does happen, and it does irritate me.  I don’t like seeing characters diminished.

I really love old-school Dick.  Back when he was young (late '70s to mid '80s), they showed us how mature he was (probably to contrast his youth and make him a viable peer to older heroes).  Both Wally and Roy commented on it. Roy said how he always felt so much younger (issue where he got custody of Lian).  Wally though Dick was always on top of things (Kory and Donna knew better).  Heck, Terry's (Donna's ex) bachelor party was another fine example how much more of an adult he was than some men twice his age.  He was pretty cerebral, a fantastic detective, a good fighter, etc.  He could hang out and have fun, too, of course. He wasn't a stick-in-the-mud.  He was too closed off and unwilling to talk sometimes (moreso with his team, and perhaps because he thought he needed to project confidence as a leader?).  He was, in a reverse, quite willing to talk about other people's emotional issues.   Sometimes as a friend, and sometimes as a leader.  He behaved most immaturely when dealing with Batman, particularly as their relationship became more difficult - there were times when they brought out the worst in each other. Though it wasn't steady, of course.

We really got to see Dick as a leader in this era. Someone people respected and looked up to.  Not that his team always agreed with him or that he was always right, but that but that he was a person that people did have trust in. And that he usually did a good job of deserving it.  It’s not just other teenagers, though, but the older heroes respect him as well.  It’s also the first time we a real, substantive romance - with Kory.  Saw where he floundered and how he loved, and such.  Which I thought worked well until it reached a point where I thought it needed to end, and it didn’t (or rather it did end, but didn’t stay ended).  Readers who like the ship, though, will likely have a different perspective, if they are like me (I just blame the writing when this sort of thing happens with ships I prefer).

Batman: Year Three - not the best story.  I don't remember most of it, to be honest.  But one thing I really liked was the highlighted difference between Bruce and Dick.  It hits that Dick is more emotionally healthy than Bruce. That Dick had the emotional support Bruce lacked as a child (I don't think continuity had yet settled on the idea of Alfred as a father-figure to Bruce).  That could segue me into changes in Bruce's backstory and characterization, but I'll refrain.  I will say that I preferred Dick with the nice-nuns orphanage to Dick-in-juvenile-facility (though I really, really like Dixon's run on Nightwing).  It makes Bruce less of a "rescuer" of Dick, which I prefer. I do not like the idea that Dick was doomed to end up dead on street (or a criminal) if not for Bruce.  Though I admit to preferring old-school Dick-goes-directly-to-Bruce's-home, no matter how unrealistic.  I dislike the entire Talon thing even more. I hate the back-projecting of more angst and more terrible things, like his parents being murdered wasn't bad enough.

Now we come to Nightwing series. I  really liked Dixon's run.  I'm a DickBabs fan, so seeing them get together was great.  I did read he wanted Dick/Donna, and I'm glad that didn't happen.  Partially because I'm a DickBabs fan, but also because I really, really liked the platonic friendship between Dick and Donna during the New Titans.  And I liked that it was platonic and that a friendship - rather than romance - could be so very important.  I don't think friendships get near the credit they should as important relationships in fiction, and so often fans want them to be romantic.  And the older I get, the more I value good fictional friendships and sibling relationships and so on.  For the record, I also really liked the Vic/Gar friendship. And I still tend to think of Donna, rather than Wally as Dick's BFF. Though he has many friends.

Anyway, I really liked seeing Dick working on his own and having his own city.   He was finding his own path and his rogues were being developed. I liked the idea of him as a cop, and I enjoyed Amy. I liked a lot of his banter with Barbara. But not just the banter, the serious stuff. Dick was looking for a real, long-term, serious relationship.  And Barbara was the hesitant one - for understandable reasons.   It's an everyday reminder of the things they used to do together.  Things he can do that she no longer can.  And she really wants to.

Of course, in this era, he was totally a big brother to Tim, a relationship he never really had with Jason (post-crisis).  Now, Bruce's character was becoming worse and worse in this era, so that provided some conflict for Dick.  Early in the series, Bruce wasn't that bad yet, and he and Dick had some nice bonding/reconciling moments.  And so some of the issues were just on Dick's side.  He has, since at least the Titans days, had a persistent need to prove himself Batman's equal.  To others and to Batman. I was kinda peeved with Donna when she said he'd never be as good. He thinks Bruce thinks less of him on occasions when Bruce doesn't. But Bruce still treats him like an underling a good portion of the time.  He expects Dick to take orders with no questions and doesn't give him full details of plans and doesn't listen to his opinions or consider Dick's needs.  Way too often, Bruce just puts his goal ahead of everyone else.  That's an issue with Bruce.  But Dick feels like it's Bruce not seeing him as equal.  Which it is, IMO, but mostly in the sense that Bruce tends to put himself/his goal above all others in terms of importance (a problem that has only gotten worse with time).

I wasn't real fond back-projection/retconning of the Dick/Babs relationship over the years. Or her de-aging.  I like her at least 4 years older than Dick.  With no involvement when he was in highschool.  Flirtation when he was in college (1970s Batman family issues), sure, but nothing really happening until he's in Bludhaven and in his mid 20s and the 5-7 year age gap doesn't matter because they're both adults.  I much prefer her pre-crisis background with Batman to the post-crisis one, but that's a topic for my post on her.

Then the Devin Grayson era - I don't agree with all the positions of the author, but I do agree about Devin Grayson: http://theflyingwonder.tumblr.com/post/107703923021/you-made-me-curious-and-i-couldnt-resist-it-tell and I think way too many of her aspects stuck with the character.  Which I guess makes her a success, but doesn't work for me at all, because I don't like the character she describes at all and he is not Dick to me. I've read her interview on Dick Grayson and her perception of the character was just nothing like mine. She acts like he's not a thinker (even though got called too cerebral in the old days).  She acts like Dick either "fights or fucks" everyone he meets, and totally disregards so many other types of relationships. Now, the Mirage-rape had already happened (and was horribly handled), plus the Raven-mind-controllish thing (also didn't work for me), but Grayson made Dick the sleeps-around type.  That was specifically contradictory to earlier characterizations where Dick was the committed-relationship type - something he actually discussed with Roy at one point.  I liked Dick being a relationship-only guy, it was a big contrast with Bruce (particularly post-Crisis Bruce).  I don't like Dick being Batman-lite at all.  

Not Devin Grayson, but Nightwing Annual #2 - ghastly. So incredibly out of character for who Dick was back then.   Another not-my-review at http://theflyingwonder.tumblr.com/post/93534635531/can-you-explain-the-nightwing-annual-2-thing. Though I would go further in that it's  reason I don't like post-Kory’s-political-wedding Dick/Kory.  It felt like a lot of build up to "love isn't enough" and then he basically chunked his beliefs to stay with her, which makes the relationship a bad thing to me. Here's my less-well-worded thoughts when I read the wedding. http://tzigone.tumblr.com/post/170389768364/nightwing-and-starfire

So, Dick's life in Bludhaven was destroyed.  His life as independent hero was destroyed.  I enjoyed Dick with the Titans, but him in Gotham is a no-go to me.  Because he goes back to being an appendage of Bruce.  He's working in someone else's city, he's a subordinate (at least with Bruce is actually there).

I haven't read as much of the Dick/Damian relationship as I maybe should have.  While interested in their dynamic, I'm not keen on Dick's wider characterization.  I do not like lothario-Dick.  And I do not like Batman-lite Dick.  So I deeply disliked him taking Robin from Tim and giving it away without discussing it, just like Bruce did to him.   Yeah.  To top that off, I unlike many, did not like the first 12 issues of Red Robin, so there wasn't even pay-off.  And then later we'd get Dick faking his death and hurting his family for the sake of the mission (Batman's mission).  Too Batman-like. I do get incredibly frustrated with that no matter how badly he treats them, Bruce's "kids" keep coming back and following his orders.  I didn't like his non-masked storyline, in N52, either. Sadly, at least Barbara (who I don’t like being a student of Bruce’s), Dick, and Tim have all adopted some of Bruce’s worse traits in regards to secrets and manipulation at one point or another.

But my biggest thing is that Dick all to often (not always, but even once is too often) gets treated like a joke. He's the lovable brother, and that part is okay. But he's all cuddles and cartoons and Disney and most of his maturity is just gone.  This is heavy in fic, but it's present in the comics, too.  At 19 he was man, and now he's a man-child. Not when he's working, I mean, but in personal life.  Lex Luthor says he's not a big thinker and some people agree. And that is just totally wrong to me.  For me Dick, while far from perfect, is a person that has earned and has respect not only from his peers, but from the first-generation heroes.  And it just gets worse later.  Late Pre-Crisis they de-age him and he's 21 in N52 (when it starts anyway). And I hated his de-aging, and Barbara's.  It feels like they're being drug backwards and not allowed to grow up. Even though Barbara *started* grown up and Dick had pretty much been a man even during his endless year at Hudson.  I don't like the idea of Dick as someone people don't take seriously. Bart or Booster, maybe is someone villains don't take seriously, but should. But Dick, at least as he reaches his adult years, should be someone that people (villains and colleagues) do take seriously and respect.  Thought without the intimidation Batman has, at least with criminals.  I will say I do think it was done partially to keep Batman from getting too old to do the job, but I still don’t care for it.

Don’t get me started on Dick and what he thought was Bruce’s body and the Lazarus pit.

I thought the entire issue with Dick and Bruce after Bruce’s failed wedding was bad.  Dick tries to be the goofball. They try to redeem it at the end, but it falls flat because he was stupid enough to think it would help in the first place.

Some people seem to think it's the sweetest thing ever if Dick moves back to Gotham and lives in the manor and Bruce takes care of him, and that's just a no-go to me.  It's infantilizing. He's grown up and should be allowed to grow up.  I see a lot of infantilizing of Dick, Jason, Tim and Damian.  I get why it's done (to see Bruce the dad), but dislike it intensely.  It's demeaning to me. I like Bruce the dad, too. But he can be a dad to adult children and treat them like adults (well, the grown ones). And yes, like equals, but that it what I think the relationship between adult parents and children should be.  Though it’ll be a long time before Bruce gets to a point where he’ll consistently do that.

Side note: the comments on Dick's body get a little old.  I totally get that he's stunning.  I'm cool with Kory or Barbara or his current girlfriend enjoying his body or complimenting him on it.  But sometimes it seems like various characters (usually female) are discussing him like a piece of meat. Particularly frustrating when his hero colleagues do so.  I know a good bit of this comes with me binge-reading, making it seem more often than when issues are read a month apart.

#Richard Grayson #Nightwing #Batman #Bruce Wayne #Barbara Gordon #koriandr #koriand'r

[soulstealer1987]

Arc 3, Chapter 2

Ziist Grozein

You know how you're always sore all over the day after you spend a lot of time exercising? Yeah... well, Gallus didn't get to skip out on that fun part. He also wants absolutely nothing to do with whatever it is the Circle's arguing about, but unfortunately for him, he might just wind up involved anyway. Clearly, this can only go well.

Crossposted from AO3. Masterpost is here.

Arc 3: Live by the Sword

Arc 3, Chapter 1 ~ Arc 3, Chapter 3

Gallus’ first day of training with the Companions went pretty well. Vilkas was, unsurprisingly, even more of an egotistical prick when it came to his teaching style, but Gallus was willing to admit he did know what he was doing. (Of course, he wasn’t at all willing to admit that to Vilkas, or really, anyone other than himself.) But seriously, was footwork really that important? Gallus doubted it. He just wanted to actually use a sword at some point in the near future.

Gallus’ second day of training with the Companions was a complete and utter nightmare, mainly because everything hurt. It hurt to move, it hurt to stand, and it definitely hurt to do anything remotely physical. He got a few sympathetic looks from some of the less experienced members and Farkas, but overall, that day was a nightmare.

The third day was better because he was significantly less sore and Vilkas finally told him to start using his actual sword to practice before eventually deeming him ‘not bad’ and sending him off to the smith working the Skyforge to get some better armor. By better, Gallus suspected Vilkas meant heavy,  which he definitely wasn’t on-board with. Not only was heavy armor more expensive, but it was almost as hard to move in as the mage robes, and unsurprisingly, extremely heavy.

The smith working the Skyforge, one Eorlund Gray-Mane, was surprisingly friendly and a nice contrast to Vilkas being… well, Vilkas. He apparently just happened to have a new set of leather armor lying around that he’d made for no reason, and said Gallus could have it for a significantly cheaper price than it was worth if he made the cut for the Companions.

From the fourth day on, the days began blurring together, if only because there wasn’t much variety in them. In all honesty, if Gallus had known getting better with his sword would entail getting shouted at by someone whose ego is perhaps a bit bigger than it should be far too often, he probably would have looked elsewhere. But he made a commitment to at least give the Companions a try, and he’s going to see it through.

If nothing else, there’s a lot of positives to training with the Companions, too, even if he doesn’t remain with them for long. Aside from the obvious exception of Vilkas, most people are nice or at least somewhat sociable when he tries to start a conversation. (With… a couple of exceptions, but he’s been told that Aela hates everyone and Skjor is… Skjor, and that’s apparently enough justification for everyone else.) Even if he gets nothing other than an increase in his sword-fighting skills, he’s already improved a lot. And the mead’s good.

Weeks pass without much event. Sun’s Height turns to Last Seed. Gallus trains, and trains, and trains, because he damn well wants to figure out who he was before his amnesia happened and he’s not going to let a little thing like the many deadly dangers of Skyrim stop him. Although he’s still definitely running as fast as he can in the other direction if a giant’s involved, because he’d rather not get whacked into the sky anytime soon. And, in a lot of situations, running as fast as he can in the opposite direction is the smart thing to do, never mind that most of the Companions never do it, because victory or Sovngarde, that’s why.

Gallus supposes there’s probably a reason he hasn’t seen very many elderly Nords, and that whole victory or Sovngarde thing is probably exactly why. Even so, he distinctly remembers something he overheard Kodlak Whitemane tell one of the newer Companions not too long ago.

To be getting on in years as a warrior, one must be either very strong or very cowardly, Kodlak had said. You tell me what the older warriors here are, lad.  

He’d been talking to Torvar at the time, a Nord who’s probably the only Companion Gallus thinks he could hold his own against at this point without any Illusion magic, or as the Companions would likely call it, cheating. Honestly, Gallus isn’t sure how Torvar’s lasted as long as he has, because he hasn’t seen him sober yet.

Granted, he hasn’t seen him fight, so maybe he’s got some hidden depths. Very well hidden depths, if most of the other younger Companions - whelps, the Circle calls them, and him for some reason - are to be believed.

Back to Kodlak, though. Presumably, he’s something called a Harbinger, which isn’t actually the position of leader in the Companions, but is the closest thing they’ve got to one. A Harbinger is the one that holds the Companions together, and it’s not hard for Gallus to see that Kodlak’s a damn good one. Then there’s the Circle, comprised of Farkas, Vilkas, Aela (the Huntress) and Skjor, who apparently advise the Harbinger on things.

Gallus may not have been around long, but he’s reasonably certain that Vilkas is avoiding Aela and Skjor, and they’re avoiding him in turn. Why, he doesn’t know, but he’s pretty sure it has to do with the one time he did nearly walk into a shouting match between the entirety of the Circle and Kodlak.

Well, okay, maybe not the entirety of the Circle. He only heard shouting from three people, but considering that he couldn’t seem to find Farkas or Kodlak anywhere else, it’s quite likely they were there and just were being a bit more mature about… whatever the issue was. Gallus tried not to pay too much attention, but he heard something about wolves and something about blood and that was when he left before they could notice his listening in.

(Of course, he’s not entirely sure they didn’t notice him, if the suspicious looks he was getting from Aela the next day were any indication. In his defense, he wants absolutely nothing to do with whatever it is they’re arguing about. Damn it, he just wants to learn how to fight with a sword, he doesn’t have time for their drama.)

“You wanted to see me?” Gallus asks, although unnecessarily. Kodlak’s sitting where he always is, or at least seems to be. Actually, that’s a little concerning, that he’s always sitting in one place or another, but Gallus pushes those thoughts to the back of his mind for the time being. It’s not his business, in any case.

“Yes,” Kodlak nods. “I did. So, Gallus. You’ve been with us for some time now, correct?”

“Yes?”

“While many of the others seem to have forgotten this,” Kodlak says, “when you first came to Jorrvaskr, you said you did not wish to become a Companion, but merely to train. Am I wrong?”

"No...”

Gallus thinks he knows where this is going now, and while nothing Kodlak can say or do will change his mind at this point, he might as well humor the man. Even if he suspects his past had nothing to do with the Companions by now, and likely his future will have little to do with them, either, he does respect Kodlak. If it’s for nothing else, it’s for the way he’s been able to keep all the exceptionally immature warriors living in Jorrvaskr from killing each other. Not an easy feat.

The man’s got leadership skills, even if he claims not to be one. This, Gallus knows for certain. He’s not at all certain why he knows leadership skills when he sees them, but that’s something less concerning than his apparent talent for breaking and entering. So he might actually look into that one, if he can.

"I understand perfectly if you haven’t changed your mind,” Kodlak says softly. “In fact, I can’t say I blame you.”

“I haven’t changed my mind,” Gallus agrees. “I just came here to learn how to protect myself, and… well, I think I’m making progress?”

“You certainly are. Vilkas might not be telling you this, of course, but he’s quite impressed with how quickly you’re picking things up,” Kodlak smiles, and his eyes twinkle mischievously. “He doesn’t need to know I told you that.”

“No, of course not,” Gallus agrees. “But… yeah. I don’t mind helping out with jobs and things, and I wouldn’t mind outright joining except that I’m not so sure I could leave.”

“You’re right about that. Once you’re in, you’re in for life,” Kodlak frowns. “Which, in normal circumstances, is absolutely fine. But you, lad, have a different path ahead of you. I would have liked to have had you as one of us, but I’m not one to intervene when fate is involved.”

Gallus is, understandably, confused. Very confused. He must look it, too, because Kodlak quickly adds, “Ah, ignore the ramblings of an old man. I really called you here to ask if you would mind accompanying Ria and Farkas on a job.”

“It kind of depends on the job,” Gallus shrugs, “but to Oblivion with it. What’s the job?”

“Retrieving a shard of Wuuthrad from a tomb not far from here known as Dustman’s Cairn. It should, theoretically, be easy enough that any one of us should be able to do it alone, but I fear it will not be that easy in the least. Shards of Wuuthrad are always heavily guarded.”

“Got it,” Gallus says, deciding to ask what Wuuthrad is later. The name sounds vaguely familiar, in any case, so he’s probably heard about whatever Wuuthrad is from Ria at some point or another. It’ll come to him eventually. Hopefully. “I can do that, sure.”

In retrospect… it probably was a bad idea. Of course, Gallus couldn’t have known then what was coming. Neither could anyone else.

Getting there went alright. Gallus certainly didn’t mind getting paired up with Farkas, who didn’t talk much and was nice when he did, and Ria, who could ramble on and on about obscure parts of Companion history for hours if not days on end but was still probably one of the friendliest warriors in Jorrvaskr.

Initially, once the trio got into Dustman’s Cairn, things were great! Sure, there were draugr everywhere, and draugr were supposed to be long-dead ancient Nords who were cursed to be undead in their tombs, or something. But seeing as they weren’t that hard to deal with even when Gallus was on his own, either being dead for long periods of time had screwed over their combat skills or they just had never been particularly good at fighting. A lot of people Gallus knew would probably insist it was the former. He suspected the latter.

Regardless of draugr combat skills, everything went to Oblivion pretty soon after they entered, and it wasn’t even the draugr’s fault.

#skyrim #ziist grozein #zg update #live by the sword #elder scrolls #gallus desidenius #karliah #galliah #the companions #farkas #vilkas #kodlak whitemane #ria #jorrvaskr #dragonborn #dovahkiin #pov: gallus #skyrim fanfiction #elder scrolls fanfiction #elder scrolls fanfic #skyrim fanfic

[curiouspolarbear]

been a while

i dont know why, but ive never been into classical music but something about debussy’s clair de lune has made me want to write something. ive dug up this old blog account just to do so, i feel like twitter would be too short and i kind of want this to be private. so 2017 has been my last post huh, i guess i was very shallow about my crushes before and i dont know if ive learned something since then, 2017 was a great year tho compared to right now which is 2021. i dont wanna say it but ive been feeling down lately, partly because of the pandemic but mostly because of being alone here in my great grandfather’s last home. my great grandfather passed away last november, and my sister left home right when the pandemic started and i feel optimistic that she can have a life with her boyfriend whom i really like rather than her past boyfriends. i never tell her this but i love my sister very much and she is more than what others tell her to be, she is more than most people i know. my mom is in myanmar, shes working there i havent seen her in forever and idk but ive felt less and less about my parents as days go by, i still love my mom tho, thats never going away. my dad is in cebu with his girlfriend, apparently shes pregnant, i dont know how to feel not being the youngest anymore but as long as they can make it, i dont really care anymore. how about me, whats been going on with me... i shouldnt be scared to share since this is for me, i guess ive always been bad at admitting truths. the thought of people abandoning me has been looming my mind recently but i cant really blame people when they do abandon me, but thinking about it instantly makes me teary eyed. to be honest, i dont make the effort to connect to people too, maybe because i dont have a personality, maybe i just dont want people to see me as i am. there are times where i feel optimistic about myself but lately, i dont see me making a life for myself. ive had my first girlfriend, that didnt last a month, i feel like i forced her into a relationship because she clearly said she wanted things to be casual when we first talked. she was great tho, she used to keep my mind off things but now we arent even talking, we’ve talked and said we could still hang out but i havent heard from her in a while. its alright tho, she said i was immature and ive heard that before, i guess i just dont know how to be mature. so now im here, listening to clair de lune, makes me feel nostalgic for no reason, i guess i just really like the piece, feels like a starry night with people you love the most. the thing is, i dont know the people i love the most, i enjoy my time with people but i dont know who to keep around so i just end up drifting apart from them. one person i know for sure whos been with me the longest is onin, my greatest friend, he never stopped being there for me, i wonder what makes him stay. since grade 9 hes been there, ive tried letting him go in the past but he never gave up on me, and i owe him a lot for that because without him, i have no one, not one person. ive been thinking about a lot of things, and some are really bad thoughts, well most as of now. i dont think i would make much of an impact if my life goes on, ive always thought about myself first. i dont wanna die, but at the same time, i dont want my life to go on, i wish i could have a restart, some kind of reboot, just let me redo myself. i guess thats why i always play games because there's always a redo, which makes me think, every time there's decision making in a game, its always obvious what the right one is so i tend to go that direction, i just wish deciding was that easy in real life. ive always been indecisive, always thinking what could go wrong if i do that or what happens if i do this. and for the times that i do become spontaneous, its always for the wrong reasons. i dont know, there are so many more that could excel with what i have, i know i have more than enough, maybe im just spoiled. i miss my grandfather, i miss my mom, i miss my friends, i miss my sister. why do my family think so highly of me, i feel like im gonna end up disappointing them and thats my biggest fear, its gonna happen im just waiting for the inevitable. my name has a lot to live up to, and i wish i didnt have that burden. a good enough life for me is enough money to support myself and my hobbies, i dont really want anything too big. anyway, ive ran out of thoughts, ill probably get back to this site again if i ever feel like spilling out some thoughts.

[deusaeverythingcomestoanend]

D. Series: The Pirate

“Life is a game of Bullshit. We are each dealt a hand, and we worry about the one we don’t have.” Aroldo plays a card game with Cronus. He wants him to not only be book smart but also street smart. In life it is important that you are able to read people and not just books. 

Chapter 13

Am I lying?

Can you distinguish my lies,

Before you meet your demise,

You foolish little lamb,

Falling easily for a scam.

Cronus fell face first out of his bed. Luckily he had fallen so many times prior that now he knew to leave a pile of bed sheets and clothing to cushion his fall. Even though he was well prepared for such an event, did not mean it hurt him any less. He pet his nose to check for blood. Finding none he proceeded to rub it. A few minutes later he stretched out and got up from the floor.

“Ahhh, wha time ish it?” yawned Cronus as scratching his belly as he walked over to his closet. He rubbed his eyes and looked out his window. He sighed with relief. It was still dark outside. He wanted to crawl back into bed but his instincts told him that it was already day time.

“Oh, no... Mom is going to kill me,” trembled Cronus sweating nervously, “Mom, had told me to give her all my dirty laundry. Now, I have got nothing clean to wear.”

Cronus got dressed in a hurry. He then rushed over to scoop up the dirty pile of clothes he had fallen on top of earlier. He used the large bed sheet to help him carry it down the stairs. The pile was larger than him and it almost looked as if it had grown a pair of legs on it's own.

Cronus opened his bedroom door and closed it behind him. It was not an easy task to say the least. He wobbled down the stairs making sure not to drop any of his laundry. Cronus already had a feeling that Godiva would be disappointed with him. He did not wish to upset her any further.

“Good Mor- Cronus, is that all of your clothes?!” shrieked Godiva spotting her son's legs behind the large pile.

“No,” argued Cronus stopping dead in his tracks.

“Oh, really? Tell me how many sets of clean clothes do you have?” glared Godiva placing her hands on her hips.

“Along with the one I am wearing?” gulped Cronus trying to bury his face into his laundry pile.

“You know exactly what I mean,” growled Godiva hovering over her son.

“One,” admitted Cronus wishing the earth would swallow him whole.

“I told you to bring me your dirty clothes a few days ago,” sighed taking the pile from her son, “Hand it over. I will take care of it.”

“I am sorry, Mother,” apologized Cronus when he released his grip on his laundry.

“Don't be sorry... Be better,” scolded Godiva walking away with the laundry.

“Good, I see you are awake,” called Aroldo rocking enthusiastically.

“Would you please act your age,” groaned Clement sitting right next to him.

“Alright listen up. Regardless of what other adults might say age does not equal maturity. You will meet younger individuals who are more mature than you are. While at other times you will meet the most immature sets of adults. Your age does not mean anything,” commented Aroldo as he continued to rock on his rocking chair, “Damn, I sure wish this was a swivel chair.”

“You are an instructor! For crying out loud!” reminded Clement crossing his arms, “Shouldn't teachers carry themselves to a certain caliber at all times.”

“That is why first impressions always count. Let's say that you were on your way to greet someone. This is your first encounter and on the way to said location a cart splashes a mixture of mud and fecal matter at you. Now regardless of what you do to this person you will always be Poop man,” contoured Aroldo as he continued to mess with the rocking chair.

“It does not mean you should continue to mess with one of my chairs,” groaned Clement glaring over at Aroldo. Cronus walked over to Aroldo's side and started to fidget.

“Is there anything you want to ask me, Cronus,” smiled Aroldo, noticing Cronus' nervous state.

“...Then Bob said that the year was 2051. How is that even possible? It wouldn't be blowing my mind if they had said the year was 1551, but no he said 2051. How can I still be alive and look as young as I do?” questioned Cronus frantically widening his arms.

“I apologize but I cannot answer that question for the time being,” lamented Aroldo avoiding eye contact with either Cronus and Clement.

“Why not? It's my life,” complained Cronus stomping his foot, “I have every right to know.”

“It's true you have every right to know. I cannot argue against that; however, you are still too younger to understand. I will tell you everything and more when the time is right,” compromised Aroldo giving Cronus a weak smile.

“That's not fair!” bellowed Cronus stomping his foot, “What give you the right to decide what I should and should not know?!”

“You are right, Cronus. I have not right in denying you information about your future. After all it's your life and not mine,” acknowledged Aroldo crossing his arms, “Nevertheless, having said that it is clear to me that you are not mature enough to get the answers you desire. You are acting like the child you are. I do not feel you have reached the maturity level you require to have me answer such questions for the time being.”

“Aren't you one to talk, Aroldo? Considering that not too long ago you were playing with rocking chair,” berated Clement looking down at Aroldo.

“Have you even told your son how babies are made, Clement?” taunted Aroldo grinning at Clement.

“I- Uh don't think he is old enough,” whispered Clement pulling at his shirt collar.

“Wait, how are babies made?” asked Cronus directing his focus on his father.

“You know what, Cronus, I am sorry for saying this. I am going to have to side with your teacher,” regretted Clement leaning his head on his fist.

“How can you just say that? What makes it alright to be denied my own future? I get these visions for a reason! I have seen how great things can get! It's not my fault you are a coward! I am nothing like you!!” raged Cronus turning a deep shade of red as tears fell down his cheeks.

“Of course, you are nothing like me. If you were I would be deeply disappointed in you, Cronus. I would be forces to watch you make the same mistakes I did when I was your age. Granted I was stripped of my childhood way before I had reached your age,” reprimanded Clement as he glared at Cronus, “When I was your age and denied any sort of information as you are now. It had already been beaten into to me to not press the issue any further. You should thank your lucky stars you are not me. Cause right now you would not be standing after your little temper tantrum.”

“Hey now, don't you think you are being a bit harsh on your son,” argued Aroldo noticing how upset Cronus had gotten.

“I am going to go outside and take care of my chores,” growled Clement standing up and leaving the room.

“Once more, I am sorry I am not allowed to tell you what you want to hear. Instead how about I teach you a how to distinguish truth from deception,” offered Aroldo extracting a deck of cards from his coat.

“I have two issues with that lesson. First thing shouldn't you be teaching me math and science in order for me to understand my visions. So I am able to recreate what I saw. Second problem how exactly are cards going to help me distinguish truth from lies,” stated Cronus walking to the seat his father had abandoned.

“It may sound ludicrous to you, but everything I teach you is of great importance. I do not waste my time in unimportant pass times. Sit down so that I can tell you how to play Bullshit, Cheat or whatever you would like to call it,” commanded Aroldo as he extracted the deck from their box.

Aroldo spent fifteen minutes explaining what each card meant along with their value. Afterwards he spent another half hour explaining the rules of the game to Cronus. It wasn't any easy task. Then he took the deck of cards and shuffled them. He split the pile between himself and Cronus.

At first Cronus believed that he would easily win the game. Then as time went on he noticed that his pile kept on increasing; meanwhile, Aroldo was only left with less than five cards. Cronus was starting to get annoyed he wanted to call his instructor a cheat. Then again whenever he claimed Aroldo was lying it turned out he was actually telling the truth. When Cronus tried to lie about his card, Aroldo seemed to know the truth. Forcing Cronus to not only reveal the card he held, but also take the deck of cards on the pile.

“How are you so good at this game?” complained Cronus frustrated that he had to take the large pile of cards once more.

“To be blunt... experience. I have been playing this type of game longer than you have. Most people you will come across who are far more talented than you it’s because they worked hard. They not only learned the same lessons you did but they also applied the work.

Do not get discouraged if you are not able to beat your opponent right off the bat. Instead take your defeat and learn from it. Also I did say this game is going to teach how to distinguish the truth from deception. You are failing miserably. Aren't you, Cronus?” observed Aroldo looking down at Cronus’ large pile.

“You are not making it easy. You are difficult to read,” complained Cronus glaring down at his own cards, “Why is it so important I know how to tell a lie from the truth?”

“So you are able to both charm and manipulate those around you,” shrugged Aroldo waiting for Cronus' next move, “Life is a game of Bullshit. We are all dealt a hand and we spend the rest of our life worrying about the one we don’t have. If you are able to tell when they are lying then you won't be easily fooled by them. Instead you will be able to lead them into your own trap.

We can stop our game if you'd like. There is no shame in loosing. Now, go get your things. I do believe we should get started on today's lessons. Once we are done we will go outside and take our little game of Bullshit to the next level,” promised Aroldo seeing how disappointed Cronus appeared.

“Fine,” sighed Cronus dropping his cards on the table, “How were you able to tell I was lying?”

“You kept giving yourself away,” stated Aroldo collecting the cards.

“In what way?” questioned Cronus standing up from his seat.

“When you lied you seemed more nervous then when you told the truth. Granted that is to be expected from someone as young as you. You are taught by your parent's to feel ashamed of your lies. It isn't until you are older and wiser when you realize lying can save your life,” explained Aroldo returning the box into his pocket, “I thought I told you to go get your supplies.”

Cronus ran upstairs and came back with all the items Aroldo had gifted him. He laid them down in front and took his seat. Aroldo waited for Cronus to get ready.

“Yesterday I recall you complain about the lessons. Saying they were far beneath you and required more of a challenge. Well, today I am here to deliver such a challenge,” beamed Aroldo taking out four one inch workbooks, “We will start with English and make our way to your other three lessons. Let us begin.”

Cronus took the English workbook. He opened the first page and noticed that it was mostly focused on grammar. When Aroldo had said “make our way to the other three lessons” he meant they would be working through the entire workbook. Before they could even touch the other three workbooks. The English grammar book was about one hundred fifteen pages long and it contained around a total of one thousand twenty eight problems for Cronus to solve. At first the tasks seemed pretty straight forward then he got to a certain page and things started to become difficult. During those pages Aroldo would shine and he would take time to clarify what the workbook wanted from Cronus. By the time Cronus had reached question one thousand twenty seven his wrist was starting to ache.

“Giving up so soon,” taunted Aroldo noticing Cronus’ pain.

'Common, Cronus, don't give just yet,' thought Aroldo forcing himself to smile.

“You would like that wouldn't you,” growled Cronus shaking his wrist. He gritted his teeth as he pressed forwards and completed the grammar book.

“Good you finished the workbook. Here take this test; while, I go over your answers,” stated Aroldo exchanging three sheets of parchment for the workbook, “You did not think I would make you go through an entire workbook. And not have an exam prepared. Did you, Cronus?”

“Uh... N-no?” gulped Cronus as he took the sheets, “Anyways how long did it take me to comple-”

Cronus stopped himself seeing how the world appeared to be frozen in time. He noticed it first when he spotted his mother right outside the window. Godiva's long skirt was blowing in the wind but it looked more as if she was made of stone. Cronus searched for any movement in the world.

“I do hope you know I am only giving you forty-five minutes to finish your exam. Once that time is up... I will be taking back your exam and grading your work. Regardless if you fill out any answer or not,” droned Aroldo keeping his attention on his own work.

“Di... Did you stop time?” wondered Cronus his eyes wide with shock. He stared at Aroldo just trying to understand what he was.

“Of course,” dismissed Aroldo not moving his gaze from his work, “How else am I suppose to teach you all these subjects in one day? I need you to at the very minimum master the basics of all these subjects. Concentrate on your exam. You can worry about my powers at another time. I suggest you skip the ones you do not understand then move back to the ones you skipped.”

Cronus shook his head and started to work on his exam. He looked down at the first question and answered it with ease. He went on like this until he reached the tenth question. Where his brain started to go blank. He skipped that question then the next and the next until he had reached the end of this exam. During this time he would glance back over to Aroldo for help.

“Do not look at me, Cronus. This is an exam. You should have been paying attention during our lesson,” sighed Aroldo already half way through the workbook, “You have twenty minutes left by the way.”

Cronus mopped as he looked back down at his sheets of paper. He tried to calm himself as he went back to question twelve. This time he felt that his only option was to guess. Hoping that he would at least get points for trying.

“Time is up,” informed Aroldo placing the workbook down, “Fork it over.”

“I... I don't have a fork,” mumbled Cronus as he concentrated on the remainder of his exam.

“What are you tal... Cronus, I am talking about the exam,” mentioned Aroldo extending his expecting hand at Cronus, “We have to go over the other subjects.”

The rest of this other lessons were the same as his English one. They would spent what felt like hours going through a workbook followed by an exam. By the time they were done with the last subject, Cronus had become emotionally exhausted. Aroldo collected the exams and got up from his seat.

“I will be back in one hour. Help you father like you did yesterday,” suggested Aroldo as he walked out the door. The world appeared to have gone back to normal. Cronus returned his items back to his room. He walked outside to help his father with his chores.

Clement gave Cronus specific set of tasks. It was mainly lifting heavy objects and transferring them only a few feet away from their original location. Cronus was beginning to wonder if there was even a purpose of moving the items. Since Clement never seemed quite satisfied with their new location. The only chore Cronus felt had any goal was when Clement told him to get water for Godiva. Everything else seemed meaningless.

On multiple occasions Cronus just wanted to shout at his father. Wasn't anything he did good enough. After being told to move the same bucket of grain for the umpteenth time. He screamed out and fell down on the grass. He punched and kicked at the grass underneath him. All the while Clement smiled and shook his head at his son.

“You are such an embarrassment,” mouthed Clement as he rubbed his forehead. Secretly grateful that his son could not hear him.

https://deusaeverythingcomestoanend.tumblr.com/post/615445212031041536/d-series-the-pirate

#orignal story #working on it #first draft #the pirate

[manabingu]

ManaTagged! Heyoo~

tagged by the sweet ♥ @rainbow-galaxy-supernova  (sorry its overdue)

The last:

1.) Drink: Raspberry Milk Tea w/Lychee Popping Pearls

2.) Phone call: to @tyrestgwa earlier today via skype

3.) Text message: to @crystalwoodsart

4.) Song you listened to: Phoenix Ash’s Cover of JAP by Abingdon Boys School & Fome’s Cover of Count Zero by T.M. Revolution (SO FCKN GOOD)

5.) Time you cried: yesterday 8D during Wonder Woman ;U;o

6.) Dated someone twice: Tyrest is the first & only official dating. But me and @crystalwoodsart have been married practically since 6th grade. She is mY WAIFU!

7.) Been Cheated on: Thank Ra No!

8.) Kissed someone and regretted it: Nah.BUT I mean- iN DREAMS YES.

9.) Lost someone special: It’s a universal thing. Namely pets for me

10.) Been depressed: 8) Story of my LIFE! But I’ve been makin progress

11.) Gotten drunk and thrown up: I REFUSE to consume alcohol/drugs

12-14.) LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: Turquoise,Galaxy Print,Pastels/Silver tie

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU…

15.) Made new friends: I’ve been blessed thanks to YT Idol w/new singer pals!

16.) Fallen out of love: Yeah...in  high school I had so many talent crushes. Which I think is normal for theater kids. But I think I ended up with the correct person. He truly understands me. And though I sometimes wonder what would my life be if I had confessed my love to those others, I’m happy I waited for the person who accepted me just the way I am ;w;o

17.) Laughed until you cried: AS AN ABRIDGER, I am privileged to be surrounded by INCREDIBLY hilarious people & I love it!♥

18.) Found out someone was talking about you: YES. And BOY is it a trip when I find people are horrible trolls. I find out about sweet people who say super kind things about me or my work all the time. But when I get a heads up about backstabbers or people who get close for the wrong reasons, I put my guard up around them & just do my own thing. Because a path of jealousy, hatred & vengeance isn’t for me. Bullies can talk, but I’ll always ignore them.

19.) Met someone who changed you: Namely Tyrest,Crystal,Panda,Wraith10, @cozymochi (bows to her greatness), LordMoonstone, @kittykatsandbox, (FAB SENPAI) @ahsimwithsake & @laurathia who are 1 of 2 sets of adoptive internet parents I have XD and MOST RECENT OF ALL CEONN. If I hadn’t met Ceonn, my singing career journey wouldn’t have taken off.THANX

20.) Found out who your true friends are: YEP 8)! Sadly, just recently too...

21.) Kissed someone on your Facebook list: Well, hispanic people greet each other by cheek kisses so  I will say yes.

22.) How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: Everyone cuz my FB is family & IRL friends only ^^; BUT my ZEXAL Abridged has a FB 

23.) Do you have any pets: My pet cockatiel Patchos 8D

24.) Do you want to change your name: No, but don’t mind having a stage name to be honest. I love stage names ^_^

25.) What did you do for your last birthday: Probably sang,drew & other stuff 

26.) What time did you wake up: 9 or 10ish? I had to meet some friends today

27.) What were you doing at midnight last night: GAWKING at Gal Gadot

28.) Name something you cannot wait for:Anime Idol @ Metrocon, finally getting out more song covers/abridged stuff. And being stable again.

29.) When was the last time you saw your mother?: a few seconds ago

30.) What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: I wish that ONE thing didn’t happen & my family had the same wealth we shoulda had if luck was on our side. That & I wish I wasn’t afraid of certain things so I could progress faster.

31.) What are you listening to right now: Fome’s Covers,& MY own covers

32.) Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: yeS?

33.) Something that is getting on your nerves: Hypocrites lately 8)

34.) Most visited website: Tumblr,Instagram,Twitter & YT are tied tbh

35-37.) Finished all of school: yeppers

38.) Hair color: Dark Chocolate Brown (I used swatches at Sally’s XD)

39.) Long or short hair: I enjoy having long princess hair, but I cut it recently QuQ woops. Mostly cuz I wanted to try a T.M. Revolution hairdo XD

40.) Do you have a crush on someone: I HAVE ANIMAY HUSbANDs/WAifUS

41.) What do you like about yourself: My voice range! I used to be SO self conscious as a kid, but eventually it became my greatest strength because it’s SO versatile it honestly I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for my unique voice QuQ

42.) Piercings: My ears have been pierced since birth. Mom wanted it

43.) Blood type: O? I think was what it was? It’s been years lol

44.) Nickname: Mana & Ginga (to my singer friends)

45.) Relationship status: Taken by Tyrest (with Crystal on the side ;D heh)

46.) Zodiac sign: I am a proud Sagittarius ♐

47.) Pronouns: Her is fine, but I don’t mind He if I’m crossplaying (mostly Ginga). It’s kind of a weird thing for me cuz I’m genderfluid ;w; but if anything to avoid confusion, just go with feminine one XD cuz whatvs???

48.) Favorite TV show: ITS HARD. I like too many things.Non-Anime TV Show wise I watch mostly Trail & Error & Fresh Off the Boat. But Anime-wise: ZEXAL (but YGO in general), Darker Than Black, One Punch Man/Mob Psycho 100, Uta no Prince-sama, Saint Seiya/Omega, Tokyo Mew Mew, Kaleido Star, anything by CLAMP, Kamen Rider Gaim/Fourze, Death Note, Attack on Titan, Tokyo Magnitude 8.0, FMA...too many...I know I have more...

49.) Tattoos: NoPe

50.) Right or left hand: Righty

FIRST…

51.) Surgery: In 8th grade I almost died 8D! Ruptured appendix, 3 consecutive operations & all because the first time I went to the emrgency they sent me home & misdiagnosed me with stomach flu 8D HAH.HAH.HAAAA ;~~~;...

52.) Piercing: Ears only as mentioned previously

54.) Sport:I don’t do any.My fave is figure skating tho. I love Yuzuru Hanyu♥

55.) Vacation: Technically me comin to the U.S for the first time counts

56.) Pair of trainers: Is that slang for shoes???...uhh??

MORE GENERAL…

57.) Eating: I ate sushi at a Chinese Buffet called Giant Panda today

58.) Drinking: finished all the boba tea ;w;

59.) I’m about to: Sleep cuz it’s 1am xD

61.) Waiting for: Good news, & replies from a few emails I sent this week

62.) Want: To make my YT Channel flourish & master my voice

63.) Get married: With luck but I think a paper doesn’t dictate if you love a person or not. BECAUSE i wanna pursue singing/acting, I know I’ll always be traveling ;w; so that decision is hard. I mean we can be OFFICIAL via the paper thingy but like, I already know we’re together XD ffff lol

64.) Career: Singer/Actor/Voice Actor & Internet Personality maybe

65.) Hugs or kisses: Both ^o^...cuz honestly I’m a fluffy person ;w;o

66.) Lips or eyes: Both again...I Can’T HElP IT (deep down my thoughts are as swirly with flirtatious things...proly explains Ginga’s mannerisms)

67.) Shorter or taller: I’m short ;w; sniffs 5′1. Everyone else is a tree

68.) Older or younger: Depends on relationship type? Like I think having a partner at a relatively older age because I am anxious af & need someone older to guide me when I’m struggling, but don’t mind younger (but MATURE) person by 2 years max. But when it comes to friends, I befriend anyone who is kind-hearted. Because we can learn a lot from elders/ our youth

70.) Nice arms or nice stomach: I don’t mind either or but TMR is @U@

71.) Sensitive or loud: I’m drawn more to sensitive people because they have higher levels of compassion & kinder hearts.

72.) Hook up or relationship: Relationship cuz I’m loyal AF

73.) Troublemaker or hesitant: Egh...both have downfalls. Hesitant is safer tho

HAVE YOU EVER…

74.) Kissed a stranger?: Nope BUT if I become an actor, that is a thought that keeps me up at night XD cuz ...again...I’m loyal af ;-;

75.) Drank hard liquor?: EWW >_>

76.) Lost glasses contact/lenses?: YES. During a musical in 10th grade (Suessical I was Cat in the Hat) I was on a trampoline and THEY FLEW OFF MY FACE! And ....we never found em O_O...they vanished....

77.) Turned someone down?: Yeah...a bunch of creepy fanboys throughout the years... 8) unfortunately the downfall of being an internet person

78.) Sex on first date?: DEPENDS. I’m demisexual, so I’m attracted to personality/emotional bonds not physical appearances. So IF my emotions towards them is high enough, I dunno if things could happen? But usually I stay reserved cuz I need to feel like I honestly love the person THAT much.

79.) Broken someone’s heart?: Probably ;w;...2 old buddies. I knew they had crushes on me...but I just didn’t feel the same way towards them -actually someone ELSE admitted they had a crush on me last month so the count is now up to 3...AGH. I WISH they can find someone who will make em happy because I think they deserve it tbh. They’re good dudes.

80.) Had your heart broken?: Once yeah, an old childhood crush was honestly insensitive when I asked him if he ever felt something for me &  he said “ehhh not really?” in a way that came off as insensitive XD?....yeah. But the MORE I thought about why I liked him, the more I realized I could NEVER be in a relationship with them cuz they were immature & didn’t know how to be serious.They don’t balance goofiness & sensitivity & I need a balanced person

81.) Been arrested?: NO

82.) Cried when someone died?: waterfalls of tears cuz I’m an emotional wreck

83.) Fallen for a friend?: yeah =w= a bunch of abridgers/singers hah. I get talent crushes ALL the time, but don’t act on it cuz I’m shy AND taken XD

DO YOU BELIEVE IN…

84.) Yourself?: Usually...but I have many moments where I question if I’m good enough or worthy enough to be here ;w; gotta work on my Kattobingu

85.) Miracles?: Shining Draws should be real. But yeah miracles CAN happen

86.) Love at first sight?: FUYA OKUDAIRA 8D...and Takanori Nishikawa...and Mahiro Takasugi and Aoi Shouta tbh

87.) Santa Claus?: Elf is my favorite Christmas movie

88.) Kiss on the first date?: IT DEPENDS. But if it happens? AIGHT????

89.) Angels?: Yes \QwQ/! angels are real. @rosey-ballerina is one

OTHER….

90.) Current best friend’s name: Crystal is my bff & waifu but Tyrest too but honestly Kimmy, Panda & Ceonn are also tied with those 2

91.) Eye color: Brownies eUe

92.) Favorite movie: Finding Nemo, Big Hero 6,Lion King (all 3), All 3 Yu-Gi-Oh! Movies,The Emperor’s New Groove,Mrs. Doubtfire, Moana, Wonder Woman, Mary Poppins, Arrival, The Mummy, Matilda, Harry Potter, Pokemon 3,Hercules, Grave of the Fireflies, Antman, The Producers....and a few others

I tag: @t-chan @sylphwriter @eleanorose123 @ivmysterynumbers @zexalfangirl @shybunny @galaxyeyedphoton 

#Mana Tagged #I HAVE A HARD TIME WIT FAVES TBH #I LIKE TOO MANY THINGS HONESTLY AGH ;w; sowies eeehhh I am indecisive AF

[theexistentialjoker]

A letter to...?

I can’t share this with anyone else other than my therapist and to you as an anonymous audience. 

Take away what you will...

Today I had an epiphany about myself. I realized that I’m contradictorily desperate for control while simultaneously always giving into my impulses. Maybe, I'm hurting and I don't even recognize it. Amanda and I aren’t together anymore and I'm not sure how I feel about it. My dad and I don't talk anymore and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Politics, religion, the direction of my life and what I am going to do...I'm just not sure how I feel about it.  Perhaps I’m just running from these feelings, too afraid of finally living with myself and the weight of all the consequences I deserve. I’m a cheater, a liar, a lazy bum. I placate myself by admitting these faults but only to people that it doesn't really matter to. Amanda should know that I cheated on her...so why don't I just tell her? Because then it’d be real. Because then all the good intentions and the true love that I did have and show for her would all be questioned. More so than the extent of which she is doing that right now. It feels like I am always lying to people or putting on this facade so that no one ever sees what’s really going on. Both my pain and my stupid antics that I’m getting into as a result of suppressing my feelings. 

I'm angry at my mom for all the negativity that she put me through. All the manipulation, the tantrums, the forced positions that I didn't want to fulfill, the forced emotions I didn't actually feel. I'm not your husband or your consolation. I didn't have the words for you...I shouldn't have been forced to view life from an adult's perspective or to even act in an adult-like manner. Sure, everyone thought I was so mature on a superficial level and that I was such a good kid. I was such a mommas boy and that you were such a strong doting mother. They didn't see the fact that I would stand at the edge of your bed for what felt like hours listening to you berate me about how much more I should've said something to those who offended you, or stood up for you, or intervened, or etc. They didn't see the soulless expression I did whenever you were raging about whatever straw that broke your camel back on any given day and how you would emotionally abuse me, or even physically; hitting me out of irate passion, throwing things at me, or “punishing me” with a smile on your face while also laughing about the fact that “this will hurt me more than it hurt you.” It’s not so much that I'm saying I should have never been in trouble but I’m saying that what should not have happened is tantamount to how I should not have beaten my dog for being a puppy and doing what a puppy does. I was a child and you shaped my experience of the world in such a warped way. Maybe that’s more what I am angry about too. Not so much what happened to me but what I am as a result. I hate the fact that I see so much rage, jealousy, bitterness, manipulation and selfishness within me because it’s exactly what I remember condemning, in you, in my head while at the edge of your bed. I remember distinctly feeling like you should pull yourself together, be mature about your life and think logically, not be so emotional about your decisions, and ultimately just be the fucking adult that you are. Here I am though; the essentiality of what I didn't like about you. I'm a hypocrite and even while I type this, I still wish to pin the blame on you. And that has to be what makes matters worse; I feel self-aware enough to recognize these things..but it’s like I either ignore them when it comes to applicability or that I just don't have the motivation to do anything about it. I am stuck in this self-fulfilling trap of “woe is me” and “I can change and create the life I desire.”

So, here you are. I feel like you forced your way into this life that you so desperately desired. You’re married now. You have a big family. You're financially secure. You got what you wanted.You act like what you were never was and what you did to me is all history that should be forgotten. I see you walk around at these family events, acting like that loving mother who does everything from cooking to cleaning, lending money to your “children” who need help, and giving yourself nicknames like “tootsie” because you want that title of kinship and to be seen as part of a loving family. But that’s not how I SEE you. What I see is the finicky emotional bitch you were to me. I see the person who wants to diffuse their rage by spanking their child for some trivial or unfounded reason. I see a person who may not necessarily be so much in love with someone else but in love with an ideal and is just manipulating her way into a created sense of happiness and security. Perhaps I’m partially wrong or maybe I am even completely in the wrong...but that does not matter, especially to me, because that is how I perceive you. Trust me, i have and still am trying to change this perspective but it’s much like my outlook on religion, politics, and Plato's cave. Once you have seen the outside of the cave and the other aspects of reality that make up this life and the people in it...you can't just go back to looking at the wall and assume that to be what it is. I have seen the other parts of you and don’t trust this persona you are now. 

There is much to be said about that concept and how I perceive myself. I know all the dirty secrets that I have created or been a part of and yet I am trying to be this person I am not. Maybe that is the first step towards the change I desire for, though. Accepting that I am such a broken and immature person and facing it head on. I shouldn’t deny the fact that I am an impulsive and a selfish person in the same manner that I shouldn’t deny the fact that this is not how I have always been and not how I want to be. I don’t want to be so impatient with people or things. I don’t want to act like I know everything and I do want to eagerly await more wisdom and knowledge. I don’t want to feel like my emotions have control over me. I want to be confident and sure of my actions. I want to be trustworthy and honest. I want to wake up in the morning and feel blessed to see another day. I want to feel the carefree sense that I once had and the excitement that every new challenge brought. I want to feel happy. 

I guess it all starts with forgiveness. To forgive you, forgive my dad, forgive others for only being what they naturally are...and ultimately to forgive myself. But I’m not ready yet...and I think that is ok. One day I’ll get there...not just because time will pass...but because I genuinely want to.

#letter #my writing #honesty #poetry #love #self #thoughts

[rickmaniacrelates]

What I Believe About Genes

If there are still unconfirmed facts about the bad attitude that can be inherited from the parents to their kids, then why am I more just like a mini version of my dad? My dad has been known as a hot-tempered/hot headed/short temper and very strict men. He did punish his kids both physically and verbally. But sometimes he goes overboard with punishment on something small and stupid we did when we’re just a kid. In the end, we’ll listen to him, act like a good kid in front of him but behind his back, we’re just like a devil. We lied and pretends a lot we thought we could even win an Oscar. Then I saw something about this saying that the most strict parents produce the best liars and I absolutely agree with that statement. He wanted some respect but we were actually afraid of him than we afraid of God.

WHEN I START BULLYING

When I am outside the house and with my peers, I always acted like a leader or more correctly a dictator. I bullied those who I find annoying or weaker than me just because I can and obviously smaller than my age (I am likely half James half Severus lol) I punished my peers until their parents forbid them to hang out with me but they still stubborn and still playing with me. When they’re eating junkies, I’ll become the master of persuasion. I’ll persuade them with my empty promises and steal those junk in front of their face. Evil enough?

With my short temper, I always let my anger out to everyone (but I still can’t win over my dad) Even my face shows how evil I was that makes stranger avoiding me. But most of the time I hear that people said I look just like my dad (by our face)

I was completely different behind my parents' back. I can’t tell whether I am being my true self or what idk since at that time I was the youngest so I can’t bully at home. But I admit I worship my brother and my dad the most and my brother are likely taking an advantage on me, making me his loyal servant for all of his mischief (especially on lying) I remember vividly the slap I get from him. He was mad at someone and suddenly release it on me without a reason. I did fight back, verbally. Mostly yelling until my throat sore. My yelled could be heard throughout the neighbourhood until my nearest neighbour called my dad and he comes home asap. But luckily at that time, we're already reconciled. Well, my brother were afraid anyway so when my dad ask what the hell was happening and he just said it was nothing with a sly face. But I do wish I could one day slap his face back, too bad that day didn’t come yet. Besides, my brother are more fragile than his fat body. Now he got his own family with a daughter, how I wish he could feel what I feel when her daughter is as sly as him (HAHA)

WHEN I STOP BULLYING

Now that I’m older I try to fix my attitude. There’s no more bullying but with my serious face and a little temper that I still try to control till today, most people my age still avoiding me (yes it’s hurt to be left out of the group) When some finally got to know me they confessed that they thought I look snobbish at first. They acknowledge my temper and try not to cross the line but in the end, we both failed. Most of the time whether they’re the one that left or I am moving on. Some still stay even they’re hurt but I will be the one who left. It doesn’t feel right when I remember all the nasty acts I did towards those nice people and knowing that they don’t deserve it makes me feel guilty as well as ruining my life.

Later on after so many frustrations I somehow able to become calmer. Even some were showing an annoying behaviour I still handle it like an adult. Maybe because I am older now or a little wiser. Whether I stay away or just wearing my poker face there’s nothing more than better feeling about winning an argument without a fight. But I am still immature tbh. Being fully mature sounded almost impossible to everyone. We will always make mistakes in our life. The way we handle and fix those mistakes doesn’t always show how mature we are, but how rational we are. Idk it was my own opinion.

Btw I am in my 20′s. So did I manage to explain that genetics has something to do with our attitude even we have a choice on how to act, still what inside us are much stronger that on what we can control.

[mredlich21]

This is NOT a good movie.  But it is an amusing movie!  It wasn’t like the “wait for death” viewing experience of Azhar, or the “I am so angry I can’t function” experience of Ki & Ka.  It was a fun watch and if I had been about 20 years younger, I may have loved it.

This is just such a teeny-bopper kind of movie!  It’s like Justin Bieber and Zayn Malik and Lesley Gore and Titanic and Twilight and Romeo + Juliet all got mixed together in a big blender, and then boiled down to their hormonal and immature essence, and mashed into some kind of Indian curry.

And hey, there’s nothing wrong with that!  I own all the Twilight books and saw all the movies in theaters, I love Lesley Gore and The Shirelles and all of those people, and I was more than capable of swooning over an immature and dramatic love story when I was 13.  But see, I’m not 13 any more.  And so I watch this and think “I can see how this scene COULD work for me, but it just doesn’t.”

(Also, I now want to shake this girl and tell her to go home and do homework and write her college essay instead of waiting for some pimply boy to make her a promise he can’t possibly understand or keep)

Although it did explain why Aditya Roy Kapoor kept getting hoots at the Dear Zindagi screenings I was at!  At least, the two of them where the theater was 50% young woman.  If you are watching Dear Zindagi, I assume you can relate to the main character and her struggles as a young professional desi woman.  And if you are a young professional desi woman, I assume you saw Aashiqui 2 when it first came out, when you would have been maybe between 17 and 21.

Which could have been the right age (depending on your personal development) for the whole thing to just about give you a heart attack from the ROMANCE and TRUE LOVE and EMOTIONS THAT PARENTS JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND!  And therefore, Aditya Roy Kapoor will always have a special place in your heart.  Just like all those woman who will always love Leonardo DiCaprio in a particular way, no matter how many big fancy films he makes (for me, it’s Zac Efron and High School Musical.  Oh Zac!  Why did you cut your floppy hair?).

(Oh Zac!  I have this on DVD, with the special Karaoke version extra)

Anyway, that explains the hoots and cheers when he showed up in Dear Zindagi.  Because there was that sudden moment when all these mature professional possibly married with children women were suddenly thrown back to late nights sobbing with friends over the beauty and passion of this love story, and why can’t a perfectly sensitive and damaged alcoholic wander into their life?

I was lucky enough to be able to watch this movie in a situation kind of like that.  Well, I should say “wise” enough.  Over Christmas, my sister was in town, and she came over to my apartment for a movie and pancakes one morning while the rest of the family was still asleep.  I was thinking I would show her Patiala House or OK Kanmani or something, you know, “good”.  And then I thought “No!  This is the perfect time to finally watch Aashiqui 2!  In my PJs, eating pancakes on a Sunday morning, with my sister.”

And it was perfect!  We swooned over the moments when he looked at her and you just KNEW he was in love.  And we cheered when the poor star-crossed couple was reunited.  And we booed when the boring older people told them they shouldn’t be together, because they were too old to remember what Real True Love is like!  And then we went “wait, there’s AN HOUR LEFT?!?!”  Because unfortunately our patience for long-drawn out overly dramatic love stories featuring immature pretty people has gotten shorter over the years (you should have been there ten years ago, when we spent an entire Christmas break re-watching High School Musical and Hairspray.  Oh Zac!  I wish I still loved you that way).

(Okay, I still love him a little)

This is just the most delicious confection of stupid.  It’s like eating a donut wrapped around bacon with whipped cream topping.  Tastes sooooooooooooooo good, but there’s no actual content to it.  And in the same way a donut tastes kind of like bread but without the nutrition, so does Aashiqui 2 taste kind of like A Star is Born but without the talent.  Or Abhimaan.  Ooo!  I can do an info-graphic!!!

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  The lack of talent is the biggest problem with this film, moviemavengal and I were just talking about that.  But in order to get into exactly what I mean by that, I have to get into SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS

                I had to watch the Judy Garland A Star is Born for a film class.  Well, “had to”.  It wasn’t like it broke my heart to do it, I love classic 50s musicals and Judy Garland and all of that.  The only reason I hadn’t watched it before was that I had heard the ending was sad, and I hate sad endings!

I believe this version actually follows that one pretty closely.  There is an initial meeting, he promises her the moon, then there is an accident and he is unable to follow through on his promise at first, and she waits for him as her life gets progressively worse.  He finally, joyfully, finds her again.  And then convinces his producers to listen to her, they immediately give her a chance, and with his loving support her career takes off.  And he finally admits his love and they decide to get married.  She quickly becomes super successful, while he is happy for her, but has an increasingly hard time filling his days and feeling useful.  He turns more and more to drink, which has been a problem for him from the start.  Finally, she announces that she is giving up everything in order to help him get better and stop drinking.  He realizes that this means she will be depriving the world of her talent, and walks into the ocean and dies.  She retreats to solitude and misery at first, but is then convinced by an old friend that nourishing her talent is the best thing Aditya/James Mason ever did, and it is better to honor him by continuing her career.

Now, there are two big changes the Bhatts made when they teeny-boppered this plot.  I’m not even going to say “Indianized”, which is what they usually do.  Because A Star is Born was already pretty Indian, big dramatic emotions, big song numbers, etc. etc.  But the Judy Garland A Star is Born (not necessarily the original Janet Gaynor version) is also a very adult film.

That’s part of what makes it such a classic, Hollywood is so afraid of emotions and melodrama, here is a rare high budget high quality film that is about human drama, and doesn’t shy away from the tragedy and the ecstasy of it.  And it does it in an adult way.  This isn’t A Summer Place or Rebel Without a Cause.  These are big emotions in a big way between two adults.

(This was another movie my sister and I watched together.  Except, even as teenagers, it was too teenager for us to enjoy.  She gave up halfway through, I stuck it out to the bitter end because I can’t leave a film half-finished.  But believe me, the theme song is the best part)

Judy had been around by this point.  She was a good 20 years into her movie stardom, and a lifetime into her career.  And James Mason was similar, although less famous and familiar to the audience.  And that’s what they are playing in the film.  She isn’t some timid young newcomer.  She is a band singer and a chorus girl and a Hollywood hanger on whose done everything and seen everything.  And it’s just made her better than an newcomer could ever be.  In Aashiqui 2, Shraddha has to be “polished” and “trained” before she can become a star.  In A Star is Born, Judy has already been trained and polished, she just needs someone to see her.

And James Mason isn’t some lost little boy.  He is a grown man, more than grown, who has lived a life of indulgence and experience and had thought he would never feel that spark of excitement again, until he met Judy.

And what really makes the difference, is how amazing phenomenally impossible to ignore Judy’s talent is.  In any performance at any time, but especially in this movie!  We don’t need the script to tell us that she is something special, that James Mason is in awe of her talent.  We can see that for ourselves!

  The age of the characters makes the performing ability more believable and remarkable, but it makes the love story something special too.  It’s not about two kids swept up in the glow of first love.  It’s about to adults, who have had many love stories before this, finding that “little kid” feeling again and slowly giving in to it.

  So, that’s why it’s special.  The one sentence description of the plot, “Guy helps girl become star while his star fades, then kills himself” doesn’t even come close to it.  And it is just that one sentence version that this film is able to grasp.  Aditya and Shraddha don’t feel like real complicated people grasping for happiness, their problems don’t seem grounded and tragic, and most of all, their “talent” doesn’t seem all that unusual.

I like Shreya Goshal’s voice, she’s fine, has a definite “Lata” sound, which makes sense she is Lataji’s niece (I think?  Or cousin or something).  But it’s not dropdead remarkable, like Judy’s voice was.

You know who does kind of have that voice?  Aditya!  Or rather, Arjit Singh.  It’s rougher and deeper than the usual voice, and so powerful.  And you don’t need me to tell you that, out of everyone involved in Aashiqui 2, Arjit Singh was the clear break out star of the film, the one who’s career was pretty much made from then on.

  When moviemavengal and I were talking about the film, we bounced around the idea of a gender-reversed plot.  What if it had been Aditya/Arjit who had the amazing world-changing talent and Shraddha/Shreya who was just kind of okay? I’d have loved to see Shraddha stumbling around drunk and getting into fights and having all of that kind of juicy stuff, while Aditya had to suffer in silence and sacrifice!  And it would have made a lot more sense of things, for everyone in the film to acknowledge that Aditya was the once in a lifetime talent. (wait, that’s Khoya Khoya Chand, isn’t it?  And also, Mahesh Bhatt’s real life!)

(Too bad Shiny Ahuja’s in this so I will never ever be able to watch it)

That’s the thing with the A Star is Born story, it only works if the argument that “the best thing he ever did was help you become a star” is actually true.  For James Mason and Judy Garland, it certainly was.  James had some decent screen presence and was fairly handsome.  But you could tell that his character, just like himself in real life, was nothing special when compared to the huge bundle of talent that was Judy Garland.  Same goes for Kris Kristofferson and Barbra Streisand in Star.  And maybe Janet Gaynor and Fredric March in the original?  I don’t know, I haven’t seen it, and Janet Gaynor is pretty great, but so is Fredric March.  And also, hopefully, for Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper in the new one.

Of course, it also only works if the film isn’t UNUTTERABLY STUPID.  Starting with the tagline, “Love Makes Life Live”.  What does that even mean??????  It’s right up there with “Love means never having to say you’re sorry”.

And then, right at the start they tell you their expectation for the audience when they refer to Goa as a “small venue” and warn our hero not to travel the streets alone because it’s not safe here.  You know, those rough streets of small town Goa.  This is the level of realism and common sense present through out the film.  Our heroine goes vegetable shopping in the middle of the night.  Our hero disguises himself by putting on sunglasses and a hat.  And not only does he wear a stupid disguise, his disguise works!  Because all the other people in this world are too stupid to see through it.

It’s a stupid world, and also a cheap world.  Cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap.  My favorite is when there is supposed to be a big confrontation in front of a crowd at a fancy party.  And it is clearly just some random extras wearing whatever they had in their closet (no costume budget) standing in the lobby of an office building with a few tables scattered around.  But, you know, white extras!  So you can tell the party is fancy!

Oh!  And there’s also all the big concert scenes, that are carefully framed so you can only see the stage, not the crowd, because there’s no budget for crowd scenes.  Or the luxury apartment that frankly doesn’t look that luxurious.  Or the fancy bar that is conveniently closed, so they don’t need to spend a lot on decorations or fancy looking extras (only so much money in the budget for white people!).

So, why doesn’t this bother me?  Why don’t I find this movie infuriating, the way I do Azhar?  Well, because it feels like they all KNOW they are making a stupid cheap movie!

Aditya and Shraddha are working hard and doing their best, but they aren’t exactly trying to put in the most sensitive and subtle performances of their careers here.

(Hopefully they are saving that for OK Jaanu.  Full soundtrack now available on Saavn, by the way!)

Mohit Suri is a skilled director, he knows how to frame a shot and convey a story, but he isn’t bothering to do much more than that.  The script is pretty reliant on a few punchlines and the rest of the dialogue is filler.  The plotting, of course, is basically lifted straight from the Hollywood version, nothing terribly wrong there.  Well, except that in the Hollywood version it felt like everything unfolded naturally based on the character flaws and strengths.  Whereas here it feels like it unfolded unnaturally based on the need to fill 2+ hours of screen time.

These are a bunch of fairly talented people capable of putting together a much better film than this, but they chose to make a movie for the “kids”, as it were.  One of the things I found really interesting when I did my little research on this film is how it was released.  It had a very very specific audience in mind.  No overseas release, limited urban release in India.  And, my sister who is better than I with languages pointed out, lots and lots of Marathi touches.

This is a movie for the sappy young people of urban India, especially around Bombay.  It doesn’t care about any one else because it’s not here for you.  Like it, hate it, who cares, the Bhatts will still make money and the audience will still be happy.

The biggest thing that made it feel “young” to me is the attitude towards marriage.  Why AREN’T they married????  They are living together, they are committed, but no marriage?  It really feels like that is just because marriage isn’t “romantic” enough for the swoony teenage audience, it’s something their grown up parents and aunties and uncles do.

This also means they miss out the famous final line from both the Janet Gaynor and the Judy Garland version, “This is Mrs. Norman Maine.”  Taking her husband’s identity forever as part of hers, giving him the fame that he helped her achieve.  Instead we get some sappy “our love will go on” scene on a beach.

There’s another big change earlier, right before the suicide, in the original version Judy/Janet has sworn to give up her career to devote herself to taking care of her husband, and he overhears her and decides to kill herself to free him.  Okay, I guess two big changes.  In the original, since this is a grown up old guy, it feels like he knows he is never going to get better, change is not possible, this is a slow inevitable slide to death as she wastes her life.  In this one, Aditya is young!  Really really young!  How does he know he can never possibly get better?  The suicide feels random and impulsive, instead of regretful and considered.

Oh, but the bigger change is why Shraddha is going to give up her career.  I guess staying home and keeping him company and trying to stop his drinking and take care of him is too “grown-up” and unromantic.  So instead they go the passionate self-destructive route, and she announces that she is going to join him in his drinking!  Just like Meena Kumari in Sahib Biwi Aur Ghulam!  If he is living a life of intoxication, so will she, and perhaps she can find some form of joy in this.  By the way, if there is any young woman dating an alcoholic, THIS IS NOT A GOOD IDEA.  DON’T DO THIS!  Be unromantic and sign him into rehab instead.

The only thing that made it break out of that audience group is, firstly, the soundtrack.  And secondly, the brilliance of Mahesh Bhatt.

I love the soundtrack, I’ve been listening to Arjit Singh’s “Tum Hi Ho” since it first came out.  Heck, that song was so good, even Shahrukh sang it!

  I don’t know if they decided to throw all their energy and money into a really good soundtrack, or if it was just a coincidence, but either way, these songs are so much better than the movie and helped bring it to worldwide notice.

Secondly, Mahesh Bhatt!  He put together Aashiqui 1 back in 1990, similarly sappy and silly and specific, and with two unknowns in the lead.  But he gave it the heart, the love story of himself and his first wife back when they were so young and so innocent that their love felt like the most amazing thing that had ever in the world.  And that is the spirit and ethos that carries through to Aashiqui 2.  Even if his only involvement was supporting his nephew the director, and lending his voice as Aditya’s “father” in phone calls.

(The coat thing, that’s so swoony I’m gonna DIE.  And of course, it is the element that came most directly from Bhatt sahib’s original)

  (I’m not counting the focus on alcohol as part of his involvement, because Mahesh’s version of alcoholism onscreen is way way more realistic than this!  Check out Daddy sometime if you want to see a real story of alcohol and art and love)

#Aashiqui2 : watch #AStarIsBorn instead for #JudyGarland or #Abhimaan for #JayaBachchan This is NOT a good movie.  But it is an amusing movie!  It wasn't like the "wait for death" viewing experience of…

#A Star is Born #Abhimaan #Aditya Roy Kapoor #Arjit Singh #James Mason #Judy Garland #Mahesh Bhatt #Shraddha Kapoor #Tum Hi Ho