Last Seen Blogs
Text
idk
i could just end things honestly, everything would be so much easier. just thoughts
0 notes
Text
March 21, 2022
Currently it’s 9:48am and i woke up roughly 50 minutes ago. Waiting for class never knowing if there is because the professor never really specifies if we are meeting up today. Well, he hasn’t responded to my messages yet so I guess I still don’t know. And now I sit here alone in my thoughts, finding things to watch online but sometimes I just get tired of these videos. I used to stay up late and even if all the others say that it’s not healthy for me, I’ve always loved the night more than the morning. To some people, they love the morning, they say it’s another day to be alive or something like that. But to me, the morning feels lonely, I guess especially in my case, living alone now for almost 2 years. I woke up around 8:40am but if we rewind it to the year 2017, waking up at 8:40 would have given me a scolding because everyone in the house has to be by the breakfast table at 7am. Honestly, I miss those times, these days I forget to eat sometimes whether it’s breakfast, lunch, or dinner, I only eat when my body tells me to. Living alone, the night really is the best time to be awake where sorts of people would be awake too. Me and my friends, we used to play games until the sun comes out and we wouldn’t regret it, because we enjoy our time with each other. There are other times where we would just talk and listen to each other, these new sets of friends that I have are unlike friends I’ve ever had, I feel like I’m actually being heard, being seen. In the past, I guess I never really took in the effort to stay in touch and that’s my curse, groups of friends are just phases for me. I’m trying to stay hopeful that my friends now are my end game. But now, it’s morning and it’s only me and I’m here writing this just so I could do something. There was this feeling last night before I slept, it felt something like sadness and happiness at the same time, that’s because Kyla went into call last night and it felt like I haven’t heard from her in forever, I hope she’s alright, I missed her. Before she went on a hiatus, we watched music videos and Bandersnatch on Netflix then she slept on call and I guess I also did, this was one of the best memories I’ve had this year yet. And now Wky’s having a hard time too, I told her to come over if she wants to because being in that household would drive me insane too. If I have all the power, I would the friends who are having a hard time at home stay here, but sadly, I don’t have all the power. These are my friends and without them, I already would’ve gone mad in this big and empty house, and I worry about them. For all the superhero movies and shows that I watch, I don’t have the power to take the pain away, I don’t have the power to make everything better, but I can try. Knowing they hurt makes me hurt in a way I can’t express. This is my new motive, my new mission, to work on so that I can make things better for them. In the end, they’ve helped so much already, I have to return the favor.
I guess that’s it for my morning thoughts, for now.
0 notes
Text
DREAM JOURNAL: 24/09/2021
I don’t really remember the start of the dream but I felt like I was in a Thor movie but not quite. I was outside and I couldn’t tell where I was but across the street is a movie theater. That’s when I met Otis Milburn from Sex Education and I was his friend, we we’re supposed to watch Spider-Man No Way Home. On our way inside Lily from the show went inside and caught Otis’ eye so he went up and talked to her and that’s when I went into Otis’ perspective and seems like Otis has a crush on her but his feelings were not reciprocated. After that encounter, we went in, Otis went ahead to the theater and I got snacks, weirdly I finished it outside the theater and thought maybe I’ll buy some more but I was looking for a specific kind of chocolate chips but couldn’t remember the name so the person on the counter suggested a bunch of chocolate things but I ended up with chocolate kettle corn. I went into the theater and sat beside Otis then Ruby and Anwar from the show sat right next to us, Ruby started talking to Otis and even if I was in the middle, I couldn’t tell what they were talking about because I was focusing on the movie. Then Anwar stood up to admit something but I still didn’t pay attention, and he had a weird beard like it was only on half of his face. Then I woke up.
0 notes
Text
been a while
i dont know why, but ive never been into classical music but something about debussy’s clair de lune has made me want to write something. ive dug up this old blog account just to do so, i feel like twitter would be too short and i kind of want this to be private. so 2017 has been my last post huh, i guess i was very shallow about my crushes before and i dont know if ive learned something since then, 2017 was a great year tho compared to right now which is 2021. i dont wanna say it but ive been feeling down lately, partly because of the pandemic but mostly because of being alone here in my great grandfather’s last home. my great grandfather passed away last november, and my sister left home right when the pandemic started and i feel optimistic that she can have a life with her boyfriend whom i really like rather than her past boyfriends. i never tell her this but i love my sister very much and she is more than what others tell her to be, she is more than most people i know. my mom is in myanmar, shes working there i havent seen her in forever and idk but ive felt less and less about my parents as days go by, i still love my mom tho, thats never going away. my dad is in cebu with his girlfriend, apparently shes pregnant, i dont know how to feel not being the youngest anymore but as long as they can make it, i dont really care anymore. how about me, whats been going on with me... i shouldnt be scared to share since this is for me, i guess ive always been bad at admitting truths. the thought of people abandoning me has been looming my mind recently but i cant really blame people when they do abandon me, but thinking about it instantly makes me teary eyed. to be honest, i dont make the effort to connect to people too, maybe because i dont have a personality, maybe i just dont want people to see me as i am. there are times where i feel optimistic about myself but lately, i dont see me making a life for myself. ive had my first girlfriend, that didnt last a month, i feel like i forced her into a relationship because she clearly said she wanted things to be casual when we first talked. she was great tho, she used to keep my mind off things but now we arent even talking, we’ve talked and said we could still hang out but i havent heard from her in a while. its alright tho, she said i was immature and ive heard that before, i guess i just dont know how to be mature. so now im here, listening to clair de lune, makes me feel nostalgic for no reason, i guess i just really like the piece, feels like a starry night with people you love the most. the thing is, i dont know the people i love the most, i enjoy my time with people but i dont know who to keep around so i just end up drifting apart from them. one person i know for sure whos been with me the longest is onin, my greatest friend, he never stopped being there for me, i wonder what makes him stay. since grade 9 hes been there, ive tried letting him go in the past but he never gave up on me, and i owe him a lot for that because without him, i have no one, not one person. ive been thinking about a lot of things, and some are really bad thoughts, well most as of now. i dont think i would make much of an impact if my life goes on, ive always thought about myself first. i dont wanna die, but at the same time, i dont want my life to go on, i wish i could have a restart, some kind of reboot, just let me redo myself. i guess thats why i always play games because there's always a redo, which makes me think, every time there's decision making in a game, its always obvious what the right one is so i tend to go that direction, i just wish deciding was that easy in real life. ive always been indecisive, always thinking what could go wrong if i do that or what happens if i do this. and for the times that i do become spontaneous, its always for the wrong reasons. i dont know, there are so many more that could excel with what i have, i know i have more than enough, maybe im just spoiled. i miss my grandfather, i miss my mom, i miss my friends, i miss my sister. why do my family think so highly of me, i feel like im gonna end up disappointing them and thats my biggest fear, its gonna happen im just waiting for the inevitable. my name has a lot to live up to, and i wish i didnt have that burden. a good enough life for me is enough money to support myself and my hobbies, i dont really want anything too big. anyway, ive ran out of thoughts, ill probably get back to this site again if i ever feel like spilling out some thoughts.
0 notes