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bnhxx · 2 months

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I have GYAT to start writing about my best boy Carlos,,,,,members of the jury, it's time

SO MY MAN MY RESPECTFUL POOKIE 🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️

Personal

[Edit]: okay I took the liberty to actually organise this bc it was just verbal diarrhoea ksjsksj

Also this list is NOT exhaustive bc im always thinking up more shit about this man sksgdhdbd

- Man's got game but honestly I think if you did some cute n wholesome shit he would kagsishshw. Like he would have such a GOOFY smile on his face and eat that shit up. Gifts, handmade things, compliments, letters or little sticky notes you leave for him, it really bolsters his confidence. Not that he needs it, but it feels special and makes him warm and fuzzy inside.

-Whether you're always like that or it's a sometimes thing he's gonna tease you though.

"Aww, ya big softie,"

-like he's spent majority of his life in militias and such, he's not used to softness. Apart from the softness and protectiveness he showed his little brothers, and the softness that was shown to him by his mother-which was fleeting at best considering most memories of his childhood would be filled with the thievery he'd resort to to keep his family alive. Hes never really been encouraged to show it, either way-its seen as a weakness.

-and it's not to say Carlos is suffering from good old toxic masculinity, he holds sm respect for Jill and yes she leans into the more hardass fem cop role to protect herself and yes he also STILL flirts w her but tbh the fact that he's respectful and let's her brush him off without getting mad, that's still a big step imo

-bc he's literally been around those types of people for most to all his life. Raised by a militia, basically, and toxic masculinity is so rampant there simply because it's a good coping mechanism for having to fight and kill ppl all the time? Just, switch off those emotions. Don't feel bc you might go absolutely insane with the guilt if you do.

-so yeah, Carlos, though he certainly doesn't seem to be in the chokehold of toxic masculinity, he's still very much affected by it.

-But I think he'd lean on those around him in his journey to healing that sort of fight flight mode, all day, every day, macho man w a cigar hanging out of his mouth type persona.

- He's very much a, if I didn't have the people around me to support me, I wouldn't have gotten this far type of person. And he'll do the inner work if it means becoming a better version of himself.

-like my man's saw Umbrella and was like yeah nah fuck that

-and that takes GUTS. Tyrell really was right when he called Carlos a balsy such and such he has courage for days. So in conclusion he definitely would have the courage to go and heal for himself and others. 100%.

-Definitely takes me as the gym bro to make friends with everyone at the gym. He's there to shred and sometimes he's a little show off but hey, he worked for his gains why not show em off y'know?

- He'll also be the first to rope some asshole in if they're making someone uncomfortable. He likes going to the gym and he'd hate for it to become a place with a bad vibe, not on his watch!! So if he's in the gym is just chill vibes

-theres these dudes on tiktok that are gymbros but they're constantly playfully flirting or making dirty jokes w each other that's Carlos lol.

-I think Carlos would also like hiking. He wouldn't mind camping, so long as he's got a good group to go with-(that usually makes or breaks the camping trip imo) but he prefers to take a hike. The views are worth the pain, he says, trust me!

(You'll believe him when you get back to the picnic sites and he brings out the lunch he had prepped bc you wouldn't go without it jabsjshsjs)

"You're food is what's worth the pain, not the view, Carlos," (he would call you a gremlin for this but it's worth it to see his silly smile)

-Also, cooking!!! Carlos LOVES cooking it's canon. He prefers cooking for people because being able to see his friends or s.o's face when they try his food makes all the hard work worth it. He also gets to spend time with everyone which is a bonus! So if you're friends or dating, expect big dinner parties. As rowdy as they can be they're actually quite chill once everyone's had some of Carlos' special in their belly (we all rubbing our tummies like 🤰🤰🤰 after that food baby kahsisbsj)

Ideal type.

-ON that, he's very family oriented. Because of his upbringing and how he was raised to his personality, but yeah-man's had to fight for his family from day 1 p much. So big protective older brother vibes here. He'd definitely make a good dad!

-I can only see him as a military man bc of his upbringing 😭 but this man is DEF having a reflective moment at the end of RE:3 like while Jill's freaking out bc bye bye Racoon City and trauma he's like,,,okay idk if this life is the one I wanna LIVE so I think he dabbles his toes in a bunch of odd jobs here and there while he's in hiding, post RE:3.

-Like he learnt a LOT of employable skills from the military and he'd definitely go up the ranks but he??? Doesn't know what he really LOVES to do so??? He tries a lot of things tbh.

-In saying that his social circle is WILD. Like I'm talking he picks up a random person off the street, brings them to a party with some of his work colleagues and old workmates from his other job and everyone's Like WHAT do we all have in common 💀

-you know big silly man and you're all gonna love his cooking that's what!!

-he is a silly goofy guy he loves to joke around, but not at the expense of others!! So, he's actually got a lot of friends. They type of person that had loads of friends but only a couple of really close ones ngl.

- Also likes to make mundane things fun by inviting his friends. He's the type to call his friend up like, let's go grocery shopping together bc I hate doing this alone 💔

-and it's a two in one bc his friend is there!!

- I think his ideal type is someone whose not afraid to stand up for what's right. Assertive and forthright are bonuses, but at the end of the day he seeks someone whose moral compass aligned them with the good of people, or someone who cares about community, and others. Someone who, if they see something wrong, won't just look the other way.

-assertiveness and forthright is hot asf in a woman and he loves to see it!! (You and me both brother whew 🥴)

-I think also he comes from a background that's very community centered? So the whole individualistic culture of America and Western cultures would be a bit,,,strange. He'd at least want someone who is willing to have a community mindset bc he just wouldn't vibe too well w someone like that in the long run 🤧 Like it's not like he hates it but how??? Are you alive??? You live like this bro??? Y'all Western countries good????

- deal breakers for him are family, blatant assholes lmao, cheating, and gamblers.

-Hes pretty goofy too underneath it all so he'd want someone who he can be silly with. Someone who won't judge on that, who even plays along with him. He'd adore someone who he can just be silly with. My silly big guy.

-like PLEASE at least crack a smile at his jokes he would low-key take it personally if you didn't laugh or crack a smile when he's joking around or being silly (he would take it VERY personally but he'd stay chill on the outside lmao)

- he plays around a bit after RE:3 bc man's 21, like, what did you expect. But he's also upfront about what he expects from the relationship and expects them to be, too!

- I think he'd be the type to get jealous, if his s/o had a different life than his. Like, white picket fence, smart (this I'd big bc nowhere in Carlos' backstory does it say he had a formal education past military training 🥲), homebody type. Like, he feels almost out of place in their life. Like a stray they picked up off the road, and he needs reassurance that your not just there for his looks and his yummy beefy arms (but yes, he admits they're a plus)

-So someone who's in tune with their and others emotions would be great for him! An attentive s/o who isn't afraid to call out his jealousy (gently) and lovingly remind him that he's the only one they want. ESPECIALLY if it's looking like a long term relo!

-also he'd want someone who shares some hobbies bc he loves doing things w ppl he loves! So if you're not a nature person then honey, you got a big storm coming.

-also I think he'd give it a pass if you has opposite hobbies but you love learning about his ‼️‼️ like when he comes home from his camping trip his s/o is like, so, how was it? Or they're sharing him little camping tips and tricks online or cooking recipes, just show they're interested and talk about his hobbies even if they aren't into them. He'd love this just as much ‼️

-I actually think he'd do really well adopting kids too, because, if he can give a kid a better life?? Tbh just pitch it like that his whole 'for the blood of my family name' would go down p quick bc if he could save a kid from living a childhood he had to he would no light reaction ‼️

- family, because he wants to have a family of his own. He wants to have his own blood if he can which is strange my guy but I respect that. Sort of in a more traditional sense of like I survived and now my family will live a better life type mentality, keep the family tree going y'know?

- If his partner could not/does not want to have kids though I think he would try other forms like surrogacy or ivf or even adoption, because if he found someone he really loved at the end of the day a family isn't simply determined by blood. It might take him a while to get on board with tho but stand on business he'll wrap his head around it eventually.

-again, sort of going off the point earlier but just shitty or selfish people is a no go. Like not caring for others to the point of blatantly putting others at risk to get what you want, not feeling bad about it at all? that's a no no. Obvious reasons here, he fought against impossible odds to put the middle finger up to Umbrella for what they did soo what did you expect?

-cheating, because honesty is key. Cheating is pretty unanimous but like, Carlos is the type to not forgive that. Ever. How could you cheat on the baby boy like he's been through ENOUGH YOUR HONOUR 😭😭😭

-kind of unrelated but I have his dbd voice line of "You're gonna be okay, I promise," in my mind at all times of every day kahsjek

-gambling, because it's such a throw away of large amounts of money. It just doesn't seem right to Carlos. Addiction is hard to break, he gets it, but particularly in large amounts-gambling is just lowkey disturbing to him. He grew up poor so could not be him betting the chance to eat on huge amounts of money. Like he's desperate but he thinks gambling is a scam. Bc it is kshsidjd.

-ALSO there was this tiktok comment on how he paces infront of his s/o's house with flowers to hype himself up and ‼️ yes ‼️ he would so do this it makes me wanna cry thinking about it.

Misc.

-LIKE I could be in the clutches of the ENITITYS realm and still feel good bc Carlos is there, he may move like a turtle in dbd but my man's moving mountains keeping the team together give him a pass ‼️

-everyone saying bring Carlos back to re, capcom you left us in a cold, cruel, Carlos-less world, but, BUT....let's just imagine for a moment my man finally found peace after re3 and is just on a beach sipping mimosas. He deserves this he's spent his whole 21 years of his life fighting, give him peace I beg!

-let's live in the delulu that my man's finally got a break from all that shit 🤱

- I want him to just RelAx, take a load off, sit back and enjoy the sunshine after everything bc 😭😭😭

#whoops i didnt realise i actually posted this...unedited 💔#but here!! take these himbo headcanons off my heavy hands #bc i love him and he needs to be shared to the world #i talk about Carlos sm to my friends n they've never seen or played re before n they're just like #????#oh you're talking about the himbo again huh #like 😭😭😭 yes amd i will not STOP talking about him 😤😤😤#carlos oliveira #Carlos Oliveira headcanons #carlos oliveira x reader #re3 carlos #re3 Carlos Oliveira #re3 Carlos Oliveria x reader #nora.yells #bc i am YELLING

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princessangelcake · 9 months

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dear diary,

i just lied to a doctor at maudsley hospital.

am i crazy?

i told her i binge 3 times a week. she then asked me how many times every 3 months, i said 4. She then said "but you just said you binge 3 a week, so 3 x 4 (weeks) that would be 12 times a month.

i said oh sorry i thought you said… la da la da da.

i tend to do this a lot in therapy. lie. exaggerate. i think i do this because i dont want to be rejected. i dont want to be invalidated again. i crave that doctors approval of "there is something wrong with you and you need to be taken care of" i want to be in the hsopital rotting. im not sure why.

one of my favourite lies has to be "i burn myself with cigarettes" while the cigarette part is true. the burning not so much.

i cant stand fire / heat on my skin. ive cut myself. ive pinched myself, ive banged my head against walls. ive done as much as i can to make myself look like im insane, maybe i am. but all the self harm is deserved. i deserve to feel that pain, deserve to feel stupid. the anatomy of my brain has changed. i no longer feel like myself. i am she. "she was happy" i said when the doctor asked me how my perrsonality was like when i was small.

im sure she knew i was lying. i was not a happy child. i was not. i have internalised everything. i look happy on the outside, which is the facade i want to put up until the 27th of august. when im supposedly meant to be ending my life. i made that up on the spot when i told her. not sure why. but i should be admitted by then. by then i should be able to taste that disgusting hospital food. at least ill be taken care of and loved. liked rather. i like the hospital smell.

the truth is, nobody in this world will ever understand me or my brain. i am too tired to explain i fear. why should anyone be inside of my head?

i told her i tried to hang myself when i was 12, which im sure i did try, yet i cant remember much from my childhood. i feel insane. i feel stupid and pathetic. i dont have any more coping mechanisms.

i told her ive been sexually abused 4 times, which is true, but i only remembered that this morning. before today i forgot all about that. brushed it under the rug "its not a big deal to me" because its not. that's what the woman who raped me 8 years ago told me, like a good girl i shouldn't tell mummy or daddy about this. keep it between us, which i did until this morning, my apologies.

yes my neighbour forced me to lick his dick, yes i was forced onto the bed by my cousin, forcefully fingered and kissed, like a doll that was made to be fucked and abused. that was an uncomfortable experience. of course i consented to it. i was only 11 after all, i had my full consciousnesses. yes me and my sister had continous sexual experiences when i was young, she rubbed pussies with me in the bathroom at night when i was..9, so what? yes oliver tried to have sex with me when i was just a little girl. yes ive experienced a lot of sexual things as a young one.

that doesnt mean i am truamatised, i am not. i am simply just living. stop making it a big deal.

i am sex. sex is who i am. what is wrong with that?

yes i was bullied, verbally degraded, sexually abused, told i was too fat to be attractive to anyone, yes i am all these things. oohhh i am so useless. i am a fuck rag doll to be used and abused. i believe that so strongly.

so, all of these things i mentioned to the doctor, what has any of this got to do with an eating disorder? nothing at all. my mouth just runs and ran during that whole thing.

maybe i shouldn't have lied to the oh so sweet lady doctor, but i needed to. or she wouldn't have taken me seriously. "just another fat fuck of a black girl who thinks she's different. thinks she's sick but she's not".

i would truly end my life there if i was not to be taken seriously.

so, i sit here and await the results of my eating disorder assessment, otherwise known as the string of half-lies i put into the system. i love this country. i am a living breathing object of a lie. everything about me is false. i should not be here. i should not be here at all.

#bpd #borderline blog #vent #bpd vent

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owlets-outlet · 2 years

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apparently a kdrama with a female autistic lead came out?? so my autistic ass is gonna watch it and let you know how good it is.

ok so first of all. i feel like this is the first kdrama with an autistic lead ever??? and she´s female too??? LOVE. IT. i am also not expecting perfect rep tho, because its... a kdrama. cmon.

episode 1:

things i disliked:

-first and foremost: the whole “oh no, shes autistic :(( horrible news for me as a dad...” thing is just not the vibe. props to him being a loving father tho

-the whole autistic genius thing is overdone by now

-her geniality somehow “made it better to bear” that shes autistic?? mm

-she´s played by a neurotypical actress. i personally dont care that much, especially considering that SK is a small country and its hard to look for autistic actors, but still

-she´s very much the autistic stereotype that we all know. again, nothing i hate too much, because the fact that theres an autistic female lead in a kdrama is a huge step

-occassionally in the outro graphics and in some of the soundtrack, there are elements of infantilization. guys pls dont play silly music while the mc is forced to relive childhood trauma and her personal space is being violently invaded by an angry, screaming man, thank you.

-this one im conflicted about: ocd like symptoms. yes, autistic people do sometimes who them, but sometimes autistic people have ocd as a separate disorder. also its a stereotypical symptom. but its okay i guess.

things i liked:

-the story is told through her perspective. we also get her narration sometimes, revealing that she is a three dimensional person, just cant express some parts outwardly.

-ramblessssss! theyre p good actually

-she is her own person, capable of making her own decisions and doesnt need saving. she is capable of expressing and communicating her needs. (unless shes having a meltdown, or overstimulated. many people on the spectrum cant, and thats okay, but im glad she has agency, ok,it doesnt happen often in media) only needs support when things get unbearable. very nice.

-law isn´t her special interest, whales are! many shows make the persons special interest their whole personality, glad they branched out lol

-accurate representation of overstimulation and anxiety in public spaces

-connected to the last point, her coping mechanisms and stims are accurate to real life and relatable: noise cancel headphones with white noise, pacing when stressed to ground herself, finger stimming...

-stims actually dont look a caricature!! even though they´re basic and stereotypical, they are real and not overexaggerated

-represents sensory issues well, they arent basic, but personalized to her, which is great! for example: her dad removes all tags from her clothes bcs they bother her, she has a specific safe food (bibimbap)

-lack of empathy is handled well too. she uses logic to determine how others may feel, but it is shown that its something she had to learn! very good

-also!! she. has emotions, just doesnt express them the way other people would!!

-a big one: THE VISUAL REPRESENTATION OF HER INSIDE WORLD ISNT TRIGGERING TO ME. it still may be to some people, but, unlike the music movie (ew), it isnt bright, flashing and fast paced: its flowing, with neutral, soft colors and calm noises

-her and her best friend are the perfect adhd and autism solidarity

-her aversion to touch seems to be handled well so far: she learns to tolerate it, not like it (thank god), for the sake of comforting other people (not to please them, but only when needed)

-its a kdrama. shes getting a love interest. an autistic person being treated as an adult?? with a love interest?? DAMN (the bar is on the floor, huh)

i will update this as i make my way further through the episodes, but im cautiously optimistic so far!

#exceptional attorney woo #kdrama #autism #autistic #autistic representation #neurodivergent #liveblogging #owlets outlet #adhd

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honeyplushie · 1 year

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I wan do dis but all at once uwu

1. It was a long time ago, i found teenietots in the very beginning of it, and i got into it as a coping mechanism!

2. Usually between 2 and 5

3. Kinda? My bf acts as a cg for me in daily life, but not officially in my tiny time. I want him to be my cg tho

4. Going to build a bear!!!

5. I have stuffies and a paci and a sippie and chewy toys ^^

6. I do! Im a kitty!

7. Big me is more mischievous and sad, but little me is v sweet and playful but big me and little me are mostly the same

8. Hmmm i love to draw a whole lot but i also like to color what ive drawn

9. Heh... i dont have any i dont rlly follow any

10. Both! Its involuntary a lot but sometimes i can do it on purpose if i need to!

11. Not especially? Is that when you imagine yourself as a younger age rather than actually regressing?

12. I think so, but they are nightmares...

13. Burber..

14. Yes a whole lot!

15. Yep! My bf!

16. Kitten! But only my bf can call me that, so sweetheart otherwise :3

17. Being sleepy! Or holding toys!

18. Not super easy.. its easy to get me out of it but thats good bc i need to go to work and stuff

19. I think its kinda toxic and cliquey and mean so i stay away from it mostly. I still dont want dd1g or abd1 or n2fw interacting tho

20. No, only if it was a solkat fic or if it was catgirl!reader × male cg and was neutral enough that i could imagine me and my bf uwu

21. Very! No tickles pls... hehe

22. Omg im such a homestuck, but like. Maybe signless? He seems so gentle uwu

23. Sanrio and tamagotchi everywhere! Also a soft big crib that me and my bf can sleep in with one of those curtain things that drapes all the way around the bed ^^ i also want so many stuffies and video games and ofc my computer uwu

24. Not rlly, i like things that are physical hehe

25. Stress and trauma mostly

26. Ya i listen to vocaloid and music box stuff hehe

27. Not officially! But my bf says i have to eat real food once a day and im not allowed to say that he doesnt love me, he says i absolutely must believe he loves me >3< i have self esteem issues and trust problems bc of trauma ...

28. Im kittenish, playful and quiet(nonverbal) and i like snuggling and affection a lot more than usual!

29. I used to be! But not anymore...

30. I think more people need to just have fun with it and stop taking everything so seriously/personally

#agere #age regression #sfw agere #agedre #age dreaming #agere community #petre #pet regression #sfw petre #30 days of agere #long post

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thewalkingdeadband · 1 year

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Thoughts on 11.21...

Caryl: i really dont know what to think anymore. I think i'll wait for the show's end (unless something really BIG happens for them before) to give an overall review on how it "ended" for them, because right now i dont know what to think anymore. But yes, Daryl is the most important person in her heart/life and it showed in her speech to Maggie, and yes, the holding hands moment was more than nice. But i sooo want to tell her "stop thinking you re not good enough for him! Stop it!" That's all i can say for now.

As for the rest of the episode:

- as i've said in my sort of review for 11.20, its been apparently confirmed by AK and/or others that Rosita and Gabe have broken up somehow sometime off screen. And it kind of showed, its true, in this episode. That said, i still feel the love between them. Of course if you dont like them u wont agree and thats fine but since they grew on me, i believe they re still very much connected, and you can feel how much he loves her. As for her, she's colder, but to me she's always been using this kind of cold attitude as a coping mechanism before (with Eugene, Sasha...) so it doesnt mean that she doesnt care. If anything, it means she does. Hard to explain. Plus it was kind of cute how they were sort of bickering "lets follow the train" "but there is no train" . I dont know. I loved them seperately and wanted nothing more than to see them happy after the mess that was Abe for her and Jadis/Anne for him, so it wasnt hard for me to love them together.

- Again, Gabriel is amazing, the way he acted towards the soldier... i remember when he finally tried to make things right back in S6, how Rick was rightfully still not trusting him, and i was thinking please persevere Gabriel dont give up and im so glad that he came around and now everyone trust him fully. That hug with teary Carol? Could u have imagine this back in S5? Im so proud of him

- Maggie and Carol moment was all i wanted since 6.13. I remember when i used to think: ok she is close mainly to Daryl, Rick, Morgan, Zeke, and its great, but what abt Maggie and Michonne? What abt female friendships?After 6.13, we were starved of scenes between Maggie and Carol, and we litteraly had to wait til 9B to see her really starting to interact with Michonne (correct me pls if im wrong). So im glad in s11 we have all those little meaningful moments between her and Maggie

- seing Kelly so lost and scared and sad broke my heart. Can someone hug her please? Im glad Zeke stopped her from doing something stupid, though u cant blame her for trying. He literally saved her life here. Its nice to see them having scenes together. And then Connie saying we need to find her coz i know she's scared...💔

- Negan/Ezekiel: u have no idea how emotional it made me to have Ezekiel, without giving names, mentioning what Negan has done to Dwight, Sherry (and many other women/people). Especially if you follow ftwd, u might understand why it made me emotional. Also, having Negan say "yeah i havent forgotten either and i know i dont deserve shit" ... i was like fiiinallyyy... i feel we 're slowly, thanks to Annie and the baby, going back to the Negan from Here's Negan. Which means a man with flows, but not a monster. And it was abt time somebody mentioned in the show that the pb with Negan wasnt only what he did to Glenn and Abraham (whom i love dearly), but also everything else. And no, i dont even hate him anymore. But what Zeke said was much needed for me.

#twd spoilers #caryl #twd family #season 11 ep 21

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whyareweallawakerightnow · 6 months

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Hello darkness my old friend

It's been awhile. Ive been in a funk. Denial. Whatever you want to call it. Ive done some things I'm not quite proud of. Nothing I should be ashamed of, im single, technically. I just wish my heart felt that way. I wish my heart could look into someones eyes and dig my fingers in their back and not see his face. Not cry out for him. Not wish he was the one on top of me. It makes me cringe. Makes me feel dirty. Makes me feel cheap. Breaks my heart.

It breaks my heart. Why, I'll never understand. He doesn't want me. Hes told me multiple times. He's shown me. Plenty of times.

I have to see him in 2 days. Two fucking days. Ive waited on this for an entire year. This moment. This exact moment. Ive waited and I've cried and ive begged time to fly by. For it to feel like this. For it to be this wrong. For it to feel this different. For it to look this different.

Because it is wrong. At least for me. I don't know how I keep getting this so wrong. How I keep getting myself into these situations.

Since I last wrote, ive hung out with 2 different people. The first one was a guy I met when I got back from the beach. He looked a lot like P actually. Crazy similar. His body was different though, unfamiliar and stiff. The sex wasn't great but we took a shower after and well, that was something. He rubbed my body and I don't mean like just rubbed, he poured into me. I know that sounds crazy but I cant even describe the feeling. He was massaging every single inch of my body, even the forbidden rolls. I let him, even if I never saw him again, it felt good and I deserved it. This man sat on the shower floor and massaged me for an hour combined, because he did it twice. Yes, I mean 2 separate showers. It was incredible. He left (after driving 3 hours) and I haven't spoken to him since. I was a tad salty at first because I felt super used, but in all reality, he didn't get anything out of it, I did. The sex was honestly trash, and the dick was wayyyyyyy too big, so I just took him off of my socials. He wasn't the one but I think that was probably the best experience I could have had after 2 years of being with the same person.

The next one, im still currently seeing. We get along really well. The sex wasn't good at first but has gotten better. He pretty much comes over every day after work and we watch our show and I cook. We run errands and get coffee. That's nice. He even pays for my coffee. Which sounds dumb but is really nice. The connection is there to an extent. Hes just not ty. No one ever will be and I know that, but he's just not him and he doesn't come close. He's nice to have around but thats about it. I don't see anything else coming of it. Im Ty's girl. Even if im not his.

I can remember the first time we met like it was yesterday and I remember exactly how my heart felt. I remember when we kissed and I kinda took a breath and my heart went 'there you are, ive been waiting." I know that sounds crazy and god did I fight it. I fought it so hard because even though I felt like that, my heart Was still p's. I kept telling myself you don't go through what you went through, to Meet the one 4 months later. I believed that. I kept telling myself that. But I think I always knew. Ty was different and I didn't know to what extent until he left. I didn't let my feelings surface until he was thousands of miles away. I guess it was a coping mechanism. I still got fucked in the end.

Everything with him was instant. Easy. It's hard to explain, it was the easiest thing in the world. Like breathing. I was scared of it and still am. But now im more scared of the feeling of him being gone than I ever was of letting myself fall.

I just still don't understand any of this. Myra leaves this weekend and my heart is heavy. Its broken. I never imagined losing either one of them let alone both at the same time. It's dark and twisted and im not sure if im going to be okay. I know the world will keep spinning and time will keep going, im just not sure I will.

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kdipshit · 1 year

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Addicted ;

Am I addicted to thinking about the things I have on repeat in my head? Like is it an addiction, I guess idk how else to think, or what else to think about, it’s kind of sad. Well in better light, I’ve taken up a shit load of study, im really gonna do this writing thing. I really want to do this writing thing, I read the entire brochure of the academy I want to go to, im so happy to be intrested in something, as tedious as the learning journey can be for me, im learning how I learn the best way I can, the only way I can.

I don’t like therapy because I don’t like being told my ways of dealing with my issues are wrong, or bad, or something like that, even though I know they are, and I would be better off without them, I’m very defensive of my coping mechanisms, I take care of them, because they take care of me… in a way, I see them as taking away my primary feeling at the time, which is usually guilt, anxiety, determent, hurt, things along those lines, even just overwhelmed and feeling 100 feelings at once, my coping mechanisms are pretty good at taking away the mess and helping me to slow down, not feel it or completely ignore it. I don’t even like telling myself that they’re bad. But they are, and its not only slowing me down, but its potentially holding me back… I don’t know where I put weed on that spectrum because I know I abuse it but it helps me so much, I know I need to manage my use, I don’t want to lie. Ill try. I’m continuing to do things I don’t want to do to stay in the moment, and its hard, but I try. For me. My anti-psychs restarting to kick in and I’m getting super drowsy, I’m tired, but still hungry, might have some sugar toast lol, yes I eat sugar toast with lost of butter and idc, its all I eat lol, my sugar intake should not be legal I binge eat lollies like its popcorn, like those hard sugar lollies… I get a big bag of piñata lollies munch it like popcorn. Its a problem, i guess no lollies tomorrow either lol. I eat em when I’m BIG B WORD but once I start its like I can’t stop. No wonder I’m sick, I’m excited for this bag to be gone so I dont have to eat them anymore lmao, do you see my fat bitch mentality I have rn watch in a couple weeks ill hate food again and not eat for 5 months. Psycho. I’m gonna make some sugar toast lol. Brb

I better figure my shit out now while I’m still learning and not later on down the line when my foundation is secure, I’m sure it won’t be secure if my shit isint figured out but I have everything under control, it’s like a massive Hurd of bulls rushing towards me and I’m somehow controlling their next movements.

Certain people just take away all the pain for me, and I thank them for that, but theres heaps of other things I can do by myself that will fulfil me just as much, even more.

So I’ve come to realise I’ve got some sort of victim complex going on because why else am I still holding on so tight to things that hurt me? I need to stop feeling sorry for myself, I’ve been knowing that and like thinking about not feeling sorry for myself lmao, but to look at it fully and see I really do have a victim complex and I can’t get go of the feeling, but why should I hold on? I don’t want to guilt myself into letting go, I just want to let go, and I am, by fixing what I pushed away so many years ago, bring it to the front and figure out that fat knot in the chord, that shouldn’t even be here. Ugh, idk man. I think I’m making a lot of sense, I’m just trying to get it all out, I don’t feel sorry for myself when I look back, I see me making the right choice, every single time, whatever lead me here, to cut it off, thank you so much for bringing me here today. Im so embarrassed that it’s taken me this long, but that’s just a feeling it’ll pass, it’s not even that bad, I want to live for myself and that’s it, I’m absolutely worth it. I feel like I’ve already let it go I’m just stuck on the thoughts now lmao, I’m tripping too hard they’re just thoughts, clouds, movements, let themmmm moveeee onnnnn.

I’m totally okay with having a drink today, if the subject arises from Hayley or someone, I would love a glass of bubbles. I’m also done with going the way I have always gone, thats not the way up.

So I talked to my mum about me possibly having a drink tonight, she doesn’t think it’s a good idea, but she said if I feel like I’m in a spot where I can control how much I have, then by all means have a few drinks and enjoy yourself, but if you feel at any point it start to go down, stop. My problem is not stopping, this ripples out to me drinking as a coping mechanism and not as something fun to do with people you love, and let go. That’s what I wanna do, I wanna let go. I’m scared a beast might unleash, it’s not going to tho, because this is the good place. I’m quiet nervous tho aren’t I? I don’t want it to open up the doors for me to drink all the time. I don’t wanna do that, I just want to enjoy this one time, im aloud to. I know I am stronger and bigger than alcohol, and I can control it easily because I monitor my alcohol intake. Count my drinks? I don’t want my family to make assumptions about me if I chose the drink, I have grown and that’s not my way of thinking anymore, I guess me saying that is me judging myself, I have the full capability to live as I am, I have learnt so much and I have implemented more into my life. I’m coming at this from a different angle, i probably won’t even drink tonight who knows? But if I choose to, I choose to do it properly. Follow my mums rules and everything is fine.

I’m not going to let go of myself, I’ve got ahold of who I am and I’m not losing sight.

#blogging #new blog #mental health #actually bipolar #actually borderline #mental instability #actually bpd #original post #original writing #original words #addiction #alcholism

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lavendersb · 3 years

Text

Provider

Din Djarin x reader

Summary: Din wants to give you the universe. Making you see stars seems like a good place to start.

Warnings: Smut, this is str8 up sin, fingering, soft!dom Din, service!dom Din, overstimulation, so much praise, i wrote this at 3am so if this is hardly literate im so sorry :)

@maybege i have you to blame for encouraging my sinful behaviour

Din doesn’t know how he survived before you.

Of coursed he coped, he hadn’t become the best bounty hunter in the parsec without a certain level of diligence. His structured Mandalorian upbringing had taught him the importance of being capable and organized, of always being one step ahead.

But the child had brought with him its own unique set of challenges. Din could deal with the bounty hunters and imperial forces, they where nothing new to him. The joys of parenthood however had taken some getting used to.

He was an angel most of the time. Din could spend hours with the little womp rat and not encounter the slightest hitch, but when the fancy struck him, the child could turn into a little terror of angry gargles and twitching ears. The fact that he could also throw items around the crest with his strange magic powers didn’t make these tantrums any easier for Din to handle.

That’s when you had arrived. Offering your services as caretaker and claiming to be a half -decent mechanic as well, Din had hired you almost instantly. The child was almost as taken with you as he was, and from that moment on, Din never looked back.

He learns quickly that you had been very modest about your skills. Not only where you capable of handling whatever the child threw your way, you could also help with just about any problem the crest came up with. Din also learns that you’re not bad in a fight, and on the odd occasion he invites you out on a hunt with him. You work together like a well-oiled machine, united by a common goal of protecting the child. Protecting each other.

Perhaps it was your caring and capable nature that drew Din closer to you than he ever expected he would. Regardless of what it had been, Din has never felt as happy as when he comes home to see the love of his life waiting for him with his strange little son.

This is where his mind has wondered as he trudges through the swampy mud back to his ship. The bounty was on planet thankfully, so Din never had to worry about bringing the quarry near to his safe haven. The safe haven in question, the metallic body of the razor crest, peeks out at him through the trees and Din’s feet just can’t move fast enough.

Din lowers the ramp, and as he reaches the warmly lit interior of the hull he can’t help but pause a moment in shock.

The hull when Din had left it was a state. On the previous planet you had returned to the crest just as a team of Jawas had started to tear it apart. Thankfully Din had managed to scare them off before they could cause any real damage, but a fair few interior wall panels had already been unscrewed and tossed aside. This morning Din had left the hull in that same state. Now it was as if there had never been any damage at all.

But there, in the centre of the hull is the thing that makes Din’s heart clench beneath the beskar. You’ve set a small metal container on the ground, filled it with some warm water which gently steams, and placed the little green child inside for a bath. He watches where you kneel beside the tub, grinning at the child as he holds one of your fingers in one tiny hand, and splashes the water with the other.

“Hi,” you say through a slight laugh, snapping Din out of his reverent staring “we’re almost done here”

Din walks forward, coming to stand beside you and bending to press his forehead to yours softly.

“Did you fix the ship?” he asks softly, though he knows the answer.

“Yes,” you confirm, pulling away from him reluctantly. The child, now wholly interested in the return of his father, reaches out to Din and begins to babble uncontrollably.

“We’ve had a busy day, haven’t we? But you’ve been such a good helper,” You say to the child, and Din watches you fish the wriggling child out of his bath and wrap him up in a soft towel. He notes that the task of fixing the crest must have taken almost all of the day, and having to keep the child entertained at the same time wouldn’t have made it easy for you.

“Mesh’la, have you eaten today?”

Din takes your silence as an answer and his happiness falters just a little. Of course you would prioritise your task and the child before yourself. Sometimes he wonders how you would survive without him.

“I wanted to wait” you reassure him weakly “enjoy my break when the work is done”

“I’ll take him from here, you should rest” Din says, leaving no room for argument.

He takes the child from you, now dressed in a freshly cleaned robe (another task you’ve completed that he wants to thank you for). Din sees a moment of doubt pass over your face as you try to argue with him, but the feeling of tiredness creeping into your bones wins you over. With an acknowledging smile, you kiss the child on the head and disappear towards the nearest bunk.

Din takes care of the last few jobs of the day, content in the knowledge that his love is resting nearby. He makes the jump to hyperspace first, cradling the child in his arms. The little bundle is still warm from the bath, and Din watches his big glossy eyes blink slowly at him, trying to savour the last moment seeing his Buir’s shiny helmet before he falls asleep.

Once the child is safely asleep in his cot, Din goes to fish through his bag, producing one of the fresh bread rolls and a selection of berry’s he bought before he returned. He plates them with the last of the soup that’s left, and once he’s finished his own portion and secured his helmet back in place, he calls out to you to join him.

Woozy and half asleep, Din watches fondly as you float towards the little kitchen set-up. The sleep in your eyes is replaced with excitement as you catch a glimpse of the fresh food on the table.

“Din,” you breathe “you shouldn’t have”

“It’s the least I can do for everything you’ve done today”

Din watches as you happily devour the food. He listens intently as you tell him all of the things you and the child got up to that day. How long it took to fix the panels, how the two of you played out in the muddy swamp for a while before you brought the child in for a well needed bath. This domesticity is something so new to him, but you make it feel easy. Just like you made it easy for him to fall in love with you. He would give you the galaxy, Din thinks, if only he knew where to start.

When the food is finished, Din clears the plates away but there’s a feeling deep down in his soul that he can do more for you. There’s still something else he can provide. As he sees you walk away towards the refresher, he knows he must act fast.

Din crowds you against the wall, pressing you against the panels you’ve just diligently fixed. A hand that rests at the back of your head prevents you from hurting your skull, and Din lets his fingers wind through the strands beneath them. Your eyes are wide as you stare up at his visor, surprised by his sudden movements and hopeful, Din can tell, that he might be about to pull unspeakable pleasures from you.

“Have I taken care of you? He asks quietly.

“Y-yes”

“No,” Din chastises “I haven’t. Not yet. Tell me what you need”

Your lips flutter as the words Din seeks dance around your mouth. He encourages your response by fisting your hair a little harder, not to be cruel, but to ease you into his instruction.

“You, Din” he finally hears you gasp “I need you”

Pride swells in him at your words, and he moves the hand in your hair to wrap around the small of your back and fasten on your waist, pulling you close to him whilst he presses you to the wall.

“Then you’ll have me”

Din uses his free hand to pull at the obstructing fabric that keeps him from the apex of your thighs. Softly, but without preamble his hand dips to your heat and makes a gentle swipe through your folds, groaning when he finds it warm and soft and so very wet already.

His fingers find your clit and with tiny, firm little circles he plays with it to his hearts content. Din feels you tremble and sag against him, enjoying how accepting you become to his touch.

“My sweet girl,” Din breathes, and it’s said so reverently it makes you tremble and mewl just that bit more.

“My sweet girl, you’ve worked so hard today” The movements against your clit slow and you whine in complaint. Din chuckles and shushes you “I think you deserve a reward, don’t you?”

“Yes,” you whine desperately, moving to grip the arm that reaches between your legs, hoping to encourage it to move again.

Din smiles beneath his helmet, satisfied with your compliance as he returns to your clit with vigour, plucking from you tiny gasps that draw his hungry eyes to the way your pretty chest rises and falls.

“Then cum mesh’la. Come so I can fuck your pretty cunt with my fingers”

And oh how that filthy promise pushes you off the edge. He feels you stiffen in his arms and pulls you closer to him until you feel crushed by his solid presence. You can hardly register it though, too lost in the waves of pleasure that don’t seem to ease at all. Din doesn’t stop playing with your clit until your pretty moans turn to gasps and pleas to stop.

He doesn’t remove his hand from you, simply sliding his fingers down to trace that little fluttering hole he loves so dearly. He watches your face the whole time, enjoying how slack it goes when the first finger makes a teasing press against you.

“Pretty girl you take such good care of us, but you neglect yourself” he teasingly scolds, pressing into you a little further with his finger and watching you keen at his tone.

“Would you like to be taken care of? Is that what you need?”

“Yes, Din, yes” you nod frantically, squirming in his firm grasp.

He squeezes your hip in warning, before sliding his finger deep inside you. Both of you groan at the feeling of your soft heat welcoming his finger. He starts to pump into you, his pace direct and precise, hitting against that soft spongy spot with each push. Din wanted to give you the galaxy, making you see stars seemed like a good place to start.

“I knew from the first minute I saw you that you’d be so warm and soft everywhere” Din says as you cry out for him “and I was right, wasn’t I mesh’la? Your cunt might be the warmest, softest thing in the whole galaxy”

As he adds another finger, Din swears he’s never felt more whole then when he’s breaking you apart like this. Letting you be tender and vulnerable. You break apart for him so well he muses.

“Won’t you cum for me?” he says, and stars you’ve never wanted to come so bad in all your life. Not just because you think you might explode at the way his fingers are aiming for that spot that makes you cry out in pleasure, but also because you want- no need him to know how much you love him. How grateful you are that he treats you so well.

When you do cum its electric. You reach for Din’s pauldron for support, gripping the metal as you rock against his hand. He feels you soak his palm and groans, shamelessly grinding himself against whatever part if you he can.

He doesn’t pull his fingers from you, instead he massages your walls gently watching you twitch when he rubs that special place inside you. He waits until you meet his eye through the visor, expectantly waiting for him to withdraw his fingers.

Instead he presses his thumb back against your thoroughly abused clit and holds you tighter as you give a startled jolt against him.

“Din,” you whine, and he smirks at how wrecked and helpless you sound “I can’t-“

“You can” he insists, picking up the pace of the fingers inside you “You’ll cum again because I’m telling you to. Because I’m taking care of you, right?”

You can barely nod in response, your body to busy trying to cope with the overwhelming feeling of overstimulation. Din gazes at your face, taken by the way your brows pinch and fat tears fill your waterline and weigh down your eyelashes.

The sight of you has him desperate, and he removes the hand from around your waist, using his torso to pin you to the wall so you don’t collapse. He tugs the cowl away from his neck to expose the tanned skin of his neck. You don’t need his instruction to know what to do next, and with what little energy left in your body, you lean forward to press messy, fluttering kisses to the skin over his pulse.

Din grunts, truly blissed out by the feeling of you on him doubles his assault on your sensitive heat. He barely hears your gasping warning before he feels you come utterly undone against him. Your cunt squeezes his fingers so tightly, and he makes sure to tell you that, though he’s not sure you can hear him. Your face is still pressed against his neck, breathing against him, and he swears he feels a wet tear drop against his skin.

“I love you, sweet girl” he says, pulling his fingers from you softly.

The hum that comes from your heavy, satisfied, and sleepy body tells him he’s done his job well. He lets himself feel proud. Upstairs, his child sleeps soundly in his crib. Well protected and well loved. Here, in his arms, lays his love. Soon she’ll be asleep in their shared bed, and Din will find himself wondering how he was blessed with such a wonderful and loving partner.

#sdklmwfoncamk #anyway can yall tell im h*rny #din djarin x reader #din djarin #the mandalorian #the mandalorian x reader #my writing #smut #star wars #star wars x reader

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svnaslove · 3 years

Text

cuddles. II

Genre: fluff !! and chaos 😔 !!

Characters: Kishoshita, Narita, Kageyama, Hinata, Tsukishima, Yamaguchi

warnings: uhm.. yams’ part is a lil suggestive 😳

#7 | Hisashi Kinoshita | 木下

kinoshita !!

chile let me take a moment to breathe because he’s so underrated but idk how because this man is so pretty !! and kind !! and respectful !!

im about to bark

n e ways

he’s a lil insecure bub🥺

since he sits alot i feel like that did a little something to his confidence :((

but it also made him more aware of his surroundings and he’s very very supportive !!

when you first said you wanted to cuddle he was like

“😳 y-you wanna cuddle?”

kinda scared to at first because he doesn’t know what to do lsjfdls

so you guys started small like just leaning on each other, then laying on each others laps and then full on cuddle sessions <3

he’s so fcking cute !!

if your hair’s long, he ties it up while you’re cuddling so it doesn’t get in the way for you 🥺

if anything he’s trying to make sure you have a good time when cuddling more then himself

#8 | Kazuhito Narita | 成田

cutie !!

again, another v underrated boi, imma cri real quick

he’s literally the cutest ever

he was the first to initiate cuddles and it was so cuteee

he went in to give you a hug while you were standing in the kitchen and he was just like “i miss you :(”

he was touch-starved😭

but then he just...

didn’t let go DSFJLKDS

“kazu, baby, do you want to cuddle?”

HIS EYES LIT UP, HE GOT SO EXCITED

but then he got bashful,,, “if you want to....then i want to too... “

“dummy, i saw how excited you got, let’s go cuddle”

literally happy boi, just trailing after you to the bed to cuddle :))

holds u so tight >.<

but a comfy tight :)

#9 | Tobio Kageyama |影山

my heart goes out to kageyama this absolute baby😭

he’s so awkward because he doesn’t know how to initiate anything and the only thing he’s ever thought about is volleyball

it’s to the point where he has this weird feeling that he just wants to hold you but he doesn’t know how to ask ??

and sometimes he doesn’t know what it is either so he’ll be like, “damn, maybe if i drink some milk, this odd feeling will go away”

spoiler alert: the milk does not help 💔

heart 💔 been broke 📉 so many times ⏰ i don’t know 🤔 what to believe 💯 mama 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 said 🗣 it’s my fault 😢 it’s my fault 🤦🏻‍♀️i wear my heart ❤️ on my sleeve 💪

so one day you guys are just late night watching tv together and you’re both under the blanket and he’s like “damn, here’s that weird feeling again”

and he just

stares

he just stares at you because he doesn’t know how to ask because he’s scared to feel embarrassed

you feel him looking and you just turn to him like

“😳 hello?”

literally this pretty ass boy is just staring at you and you’re freaking out and he has no self realization and you’re just there, mad blushing

he gets all blushy too and looks away

SLKDFJLSDJF

“im sorry :(”

then he can’t take it anymore

he stares again 😭

“ 😳 tobio, do you need something?”

“c-can we cuddle?”

THIS CUTIE SLDKFJSDLKF

and you’re like oH, THAT’S WHY HE WAS STARING AT ME LIKE THAT

“yeah, come here”

you hold out your arms and he just goes to your arms

you’ll be laying on your back and he’s laying on your stomach

and you’ll just play with his hair and hum and he just feels so relaxed and he just takes in your scent and gets smiley sometimes

and now every time he just stares at you, you know that he wants to cuddle, its just a non-verbal agreement now fldsjsljf

bonus:

this position of cuddling with him was the first time he told you that he loved you 🥺

you were just the only person that could keep him grounded, and when he’s like that with you he just feels so at peace and he just realized out of nowhere that he fell in love with you 🥺

#10 | Hinata Shoyou | 日向

🥺 🥺 🥺 !!!

so baby !!

he can’t stop smiling when you guys are about to cuddle

like his cheeks are hurting !! and he’s still like :DD

like nishinoya, he would tickle you too but it wouldn’t go as far as a tickle fight, just a little something to get you to giggle

squeals “you’re so cuteeee” ALOT

he will squish your cheeks

honestly, at this point, you guys’ cuddles are more like both of you just laying next to each other really close face to face, some limbs intertwined and just squishing each others cheeks, tickling here and there and just tracing each others features

literally about to cry, the puppy love energy is astronomical 😭

count each others beauty marks, i just feel like that is def something that would happen one day lfkjs

silly faces !!

he compliments you all the time like “you’re so prettyy 🥺” but when you compliment him he’s like

“wait🤚 😳 , u talking about me?? 😳” will blush so hard he will blackout

he’ll have to hide his face into like the crook of your neck because he’s all blushy

#11 | Kei Tsukishima | 月島

i hate him with so much love

does that make sense

yes, it does.

will tease the HELL out of you when you show that you want to cuddle

gets all smug too😤

but tbh he just does that because he just gets wayyy too excited and his hearts all chaos

it’s his coping mechanism for being a simp 🤡

so he’ll just play with you

“oh? you wanna cuddle? hmm, i don’t know, ask me again in 5 minutes”

MF I SWEAR I WILL CLIMB U

also he gets way into that “hmmm” as if he’s thinking really hard about it SDLKJFSDLK

then you get all pouty and leave and he’s like

“IM JUST KIDDING JESUS WHERE ARE YOU GOING”

he let his simp side show 😔 r.i.p. ur pride tsukki

and you’re shocked, like where tf did tsukki go?? this ain’t him fkjsd

so you mess with him too

“oh? so you wanna cuddle with me now? hmm, i don’t know, you were kinda mean to me earlier, maybe i’ll just ask tadashi or something.”

you’re literally reaching for your car keys and walking out of your apartment and he just

*SWOOP*

this tree ass mf swooped you out of the floor over his shoulder earning a loud and embarrassing yelp from you and just carries you to bed

“you’re not going anywhere, don’t be an idiot”

puts you on top of the bed and just lays on top of you to keep you from moving anywhere

“KEI THIS IS NOT COMFORTABLE I CAN’T BREATHE”

“then stop being weird saying you’re going to cuddle other people and cuddle me already dumbass”

gets off and you guys lay comfortably together

“i hate you kei” ~in a playful manner ofc <3

“i know” *gives you a kiss on your forehead* 🥺

#12 | Tadashi Yamaguchi | 山口

i will violently *🥺* for yamaguchi any day, everyday

i love him so much he’s just so 🥺 🥺 !!

ok !!

so cuddling with yamaguchi is the softest experience any human could ever go through

he so soft ???

he’s so sweet ???

he’s so cute ???

he’s so respectful ???

im in love.

will always be asking if somethings okay, if you’re alright, if you’re comfy, if he’s doing anything wrong

but it’s never in an overbearing way, it’s more in a reassuring way !

he was def awkward the first time but he just got more comfy with you over time

but that doesn’t mean he still doesn’t get all blushy and a lil nervous on where to put his hands because he does

he just wants to know if you’re okay, he doesn’t want to accidently make you uncomfortable

but uhm....

one day...

you two were cuddling

and everything was going good, everything was just fine

in fact, he didn’t even need to ask if you were okay or comfy etc,, because he just knows what you like now and he can tell from your body language

but uhm...

you were cuddling, you were the little spoon and he was the big spoon

and you just wanted to get closer

so you nuzzled back into him

and he just

froze.

“tadashi? what’s wrong?”

“uhhhh.....”

literally his face is so red

and then...

u felt it.

you tense up too and you’re face is starting to get red and you’re like

“uhh.....is ....that...?”

yamaguchi looks like he’s about to cry lsdfkjs

“IM SORRY, I CAN’T CONTROL IT, YOU JSUT FJSDKL YOU BACKED INTO ME AND IT JSUT DID IT IM SORRY”

literally already standing up ready to run out of there

but then 😳

you just grab his wrist n you’re like

“let me help”

his v*rgin brain just short circuits like $(*#$)(#@*#*)$(@#*$)(@#$*

R.I.P. Yamaguchi Tadashi 2020

damn we already lost daichi and now we lost yams too 😔🕊️ fly high

TOBE FLYYYY HIIIIGHHHH ASE TOTHIDONARIDADE

HIKARU SUBASEYO IMA ZENBU ZENBU FLYYYYYYYY

*raw guitar riffs going WIIUM WIIUM WAUUM WAUUM WIIUM*

Part I: Daichi, Sugawara, Asahi, Nishinoya, Tanaka, Ennoshita

Part II: Kinoshita, Narita, Kageyama, Hinata, Tsukishima, Yamaguchi

Part III: Kiyoko, Yachi, Ukai Keishin, Takeda

Part IV: Saeko Tanaka, Akiteru Tsukishima, Shimada, Takinoue

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silkylious · 3 years

Text

Limbo (Bakugo Katsuki x Fem!Reader)

Pairing: bakugo katsuki x female reader warnings: heavy angst, eventual tiny bit of fluff at the end

omf this request is so nice i feel so bad that my writing is literally garbage in this, but thank you sm for requesting this!! <3 and im so sorry if i didn’t do your request justice (i legit hate my writing here :’))

To say the state of your relationship was unbearable would be the euphemism of the century.

Your thoughts often ran amuck, always hopelessly crawling back to that one despaired curiosity; wondering if he shared the same sentiment about your wishy-washy “friends” status as you did. He probably didn’t. That’s the seemingly unshakable brick wall that would inevitably dead-end your lovesick daydreams, each and every time. Though when his roughed-up hands linger on your skin a millisecond too long, when his steeled stare melts, hard rubies morphing into blazing lava pits, threatening to mar your very heart and soul with their scorching intensity –you’re not exactly certain you’d mind that– that’s when a flicker of something ignites within you. Hope, longing, doubt. Whatever it is, it terrifies you. Because you’re agonizingly aware of what that entails. He’s got you hook, line and sinker, but torturously he refuses to do anything with that. Almost like pulling someone in for a hug then abruptly and without explanation stopping midway, he keeps you at arm’s length. Not too far, not too close. And how that cycle destroyed you.

Katsuki was the type to jump into action and ask questions later. Except a lot of the times when these questions pertain to his own emotions, he didn’t even try to answer them, opting to shove them to the corners of his psyche, collecting dust, steadily accumulating until they become too much to ignore and he (sometimes quite literally) explodes. It’s a vicious loop that he could never break away from, he’d even come to find a sordid comfort in it. His coping mechanism was by no means healthy, far from it, but he’d grown familiar to the toxicity.

Katsuki couldn’t make heads nor tails of his feelings for you. Whenever he impulsively threw himself into the lion’s den that was your affection, caught in the moment, in the glimmer of genuine adoration in your eyes, he never came back the same. A piece of his heart would irreversibly split off and reside in the palm of your hand, he was scared that nothing would be left of it, that he wouldn’t be able to regain his bearings until it was too late. You so effortlessly juggled with his feelings, all with a single smile, it scared him that you had so much power over the fluttery sensation in his chest and yet, in the moment, it felt good. It felt so good to indulge in whatever fucky feeling was messing with his head, to let you hold him in the depths of obscurity with all prying eyes shut and what little words exchanged hushed. It felt so alleviating to feel skin on his own (for once not in battle), gentle, comforting but not coddling. It was unspoken between you that you were both more than friends. You knew it, he knew it. Neither of you ever mentioned it. What neither of you knew, however, was how far the other’s feelings ran.

But as high as your silent love made him feel, he crashed back down into the concrete when he was left to his own devices. Without your intoxicating scent, distracting touches fogging his rationality, Katsuki had all the time in the world to overthink. And overthink he did. His pride picked apart the delicate flowering in his heart, ripping it petal by petal until nothing was left but a garden of beautifully withered leaves, a condemnation to what he considered a weakness.

Katsuki was a taker by every sense of the word. Basking in your wispy adoration, only to brush you aside in favor of focusing on academics once he’d had his fill of your love. It was sickening.

Maybe it was the fact that you hadn’t outright confessed to him, maybe that’s what soothed the overbearing guilt that crawled up his throat whenever he saw that dejected face of yours, the one you made because of him. If your feelings for him ran deep, surely you would have said something by now, at least that’s what he thought. Or more precisely, that’s the excuse his mind conjured up in hopes of easing his conscious, trying to convince himself that self that yes, he was hurting you, but at least he wasn’t hurting you that bad. He was infinitely aware that this doesn’t put him in any sort of moral high ground, nor does it justify his actions, but, again, it was a last-ditch effort to relieve his anguish if just by a little bit, even if he knew that excuse was bullshit.

Surely he knew, there’s no way in hell someone as hawk-eyed as him didn’t notice the tyranny he held over the porcelain pitter-pattering of your heart, didn’t notice the fleeting, love-filled glances you sent his way. This was getting ridiculous, you were starting to believe he was taking some twisted sense of pleasure from your heartache, but he wouldn’t do that, right? He didn’t derive some sick kick out of having you indefinitely under his thumb, at his beck and call… right? A few months ago, you would have answered those uncertainties with a resounding “No!” defending his cruel behavior till the bitter end. But now…

Now you weren’t so sure.

And yet you still found yourself in his dorm, on his bed. It was supposed to be another study gathering, but one thing was glaringly missing. Y’know… the gathering. Kirishima was out training and he hadn’t bothered to invite the rest of his brain-dead, self-proclaimed squad. And that’s how you found yourself alone. With your best friend and secret crush. Just dandy.

Your hands were restless. Pulling at the seams of his blanket, cracking your own fingers, picking up your pencil for a brief moment of concentration, answering one or two questions only to drop it back on the mattress again and fidget some more. Katsuki wasn’t fucking blind, and your unease was ticking him off. Though he surprisingly hadn’t said a thing about it just yet, he was clearly nearing his wit’s end. His silence didn’t prevail for much longer, the meek sigh and not so subtle glance you chanced his way being his tipping point.

“What.” It came out as a statement, a demand rather than a question. What was he demanding? He hadn’t thought of that yet, his temperamental limbs already taking the wheel and pressing on the gas without a destination in mind, just being short fused for the sake of it. Was it even his place to be making demands in this situation? Katsuki knew the answer to this one like the back of his hand, a solid no.

“What…?” You really had no idea what Bakugo was expecting with a question like that. He still had the audacity to roll his eyes.

“The hell’s got you so jumpy?”

“It’s nothing…” It was a lot more than nothing, that’s for sure.

“Don’t lie to me, (name). What the fuck is up with you?” Ah, there it is again. That look. His words were as cut-throat as ever, and his mouth was still pulled into that seemingly permanent scowl. But his eyes conveyed something that was whole worlds asunder from his harsh tone. Golden brows furrowed as they usually were, though unusually upturned just the slightest bit. You despised that look. It ensured that you’ll forever be caught in his grasp, forever there for him when he never spared you the time of day.

Your lungs constricted by a force of gorgeously wretched agony. Katsuki wasn’t fair when he bared his soul to you like this, it filled you with such fervent euphoria that torrefied its way through your being, singeing your veins with luminous infatuation. And it hurt. Because you knew he’d cage himself right up as soon as the moment of vulnerability perished.

A crystalline sheen permeated your vision. This wasn’t going to end well.

“I said it’s nothing,” Your voice raised. You hadn’t meant for the words to be as frosty as they came out, but it seemed like your subconscious was utterly done with the tedium of heartbreak he keeps putting you through.

“What is fucking wrong with you? I was literally just asking why you were being so goddamn obnoxious today and then you go and make a big fuckin’ deal out of nothing!”

“Well, maybe I’m just fucking tired of giving you everything I have and getting nothing in return, Katsuki!”

Your chest rose and fell with each scalding breath that entered your lungs. The blood through your veins was pumping. Never had you been confrontational, and your sudden outburst wasn’t exactly welcome to your system. You wanted to vomit. This was not how you wanted things to turn out, you absolutely needed to leave, distance yourself from the emotional strain he was inflicting on you.

Without taking notice of the panicked glint in the cherry red of his irises, you bolted out of the suddenly claustrophobic room, leaving Katsuki to stare at his agape door before flickering his unfocused attention to your supplies still laying on his bed.

Katsuki erupted time and time again, with you being as patient as a receiving end could ever be. It’s specifically because of your godly patience that he never considered what he would do once you erupted.

With your back sliding down your dorm room door, and little friction stopping your descent, you wondered and maybe even wished he’d call after you, come banging on your door with bristling apologies on the tip of his tongue. However, the jarring reality was very clear to you. You’d decided on that day, with your head buried in your tear-stained pillow, that these were the last tears you’d ever shed on him, that you were going to put him through the same wringing hell he’d put you through.

You were going to ignore Bakugo Katsuki’s existence just like he’d periodically ignored yours.

The following week had been bleak at best and excruciatingly bitter at its worst for the both of you. It was so strange having to adjust to the absence of the other, even if your company more often than not had been a quiet one, it was company nevertheless. The most grueling part though, was your shared friend group. They’d noticed that something was obviously awry, but since neither of you said a thing about it, they decided it would be best if they didn’t either. The awkward dead silences during lunch were still purgatory to behold. But after a few more slow paced days, the sun seemed to shine bright again. For you, that is.

You didn’t realize how much of your schedule revolved around Bakugo until he was completely out of it. How much time you spent with him, dreading him, thinking about him… him, him, him. He’d consumed your thoughts from the first sparks of dawn till the hallows of dusk. You had so much free time now that he was out of the picture, it was crazy. The more time you spent on yourself, on your hobbies, getting to know other classmates outside of your immediate friend circle, the duller the ache in your chest. Until it was but a static buzz. Yet you couldn’t deny that, with time, your fury had mellowed out, leaving behind a cold loneliness you couldn’t elude whenever your aimless stare landed on him, almost like it was drawn to him by muscle memory.

He was the exact opposite.

You’d think the throbbing within him whenever you finally gazed his way then instantaneously looked in the opposite direction would knock come modicum of sense into his stubborn head. But nope. And seeing you thrive without him only cemented what he already knew. He really was no good for you. So much so that it barely took anytime for you to readjust to the lack of him in your life, and not only did you adjust, you were the best he’s ever seen you both mentally and academically. In the first week of you ditching him completely, his bruised ego kept him for reaching out to you, but now, seeing that elated grin on your face –the one that had been gradually dwindling over the past few months– he didn’t want to take your newfound happiness away, he’d figured he’d done you more than enough harm already.

Heart heavy with reluctance, Katsuki made the decision to give up on your relationship. Deciding to wordlessly cheer you on from the sidelines and watch you bloom, flourishing into the person he robbed you of being for a chunk of your life, though whenever your spring hit, it would be without him. Until some day in the future where his pride wasn’t as suffocating, where he could genuinely, wholeheartedly repent his grievances and only hope for your forgiveness.

Kirishima never took Bakugo for a quitter, hell would freeze over before he even thought such a thing. So this was certainly a shock. What was even more shocking – and overwhelmingly concerning– was the fact that Katsuki had willingly, on his own accord confided in him, and he’d, in his own roundabout way, taken accountability for being a gigantic douche to you. As much as the redhead respected his friend’s decision to stay clear of you, he couldn’t help but wish you’d just talk to one another for once. Kirishima really was a saint, having to listen to two idiots ramble about how much they miss the other.

“Listen, man. I know you feel bad and all that, but maybe you should just talk to her? I’m sure she’d like some closure on this just as you do, even if that doesn’t mean things will go back to the way they were.” Eijirou tried to reason, praying to whatever higher being out there that Katsuki would just get the fuck over himself and communicate with you.

“Fuck no. That’s not fucking happening, shitty hair,” Kirishima rolled his eyes at the oh so affectionate nickname, thoroughly done with his best friend’s melodrama. Welp, I guess there’s only one thing left to try. He heaved internally, mentally and physically preparing himself for Bakugo’s tantrum.

“Well, you know that if you won’t talk to her, others will, right? I heard some guys saying they’re gonna ask her ou–”

“Shut the fuck up! I don’t give a rat’s ass who asks her out!” He definitely did. Eijirou hid his smile. Checkmate.

“Whatever you say, dude.”

Later that day, three distinctly powerful knocks woke you up. Needless to say, you didn’t think that night would end up with you and Katsuki staring each other down, seated on your bed at one in the morning. Words got stuck in his throat, so he just… noiselessly watched your face, as if trying to telepathically ram his constipated emotions into you, in hopes that you’d make sense of them. Obviously, that didn’t work.

“Did you come banging on my door at one in the morning just to stare at me, Bakugo? I mean I know I’m pretty but still–”

“Shuddup.” Not really the best thing to say to you after weeks of radio silence. You were about to make another salty remark, but he opened his mouth first.

“I fucked up,” The fact that he was acknowledging he was at fault was… something. But that wasn’t nearly enough to pay off the debt off turmoil he’d caused you.

“No shit.” You replied without missing a beat. The ice that tinged your words caught him off guard, but he really shouldn’t have been surprised. He sighed, knowing he’d have to strip himself of everything, including his pride (especially his pride) down to his very core, to have a go at a second chance.

And so, he did.

He poured his everything out for you to observe, without an ego film distorting his words. Syllables reeked of muted agony, he really had rid himself of anything and everything that wasn’t his deepest soul. He finally offered you himself just as you had done countless times before. Katsuki swore that his heart would –and always has been– explicitly yours, he’d roar that fact at the constellations above if you so wished him to. And while it would take a while to heal from coruscating blisters he’d inflicted, you were more than content mending and welting your heart with his.

#bakugo x reader #bakugou x reader #bakugou katsuki x reader #bakugo katsuki x reader #bakugou imagine #bakugou katsuki #katsuki bakugou x reader #katsuki bakugo x reader #bnha bakugo katsuki #bakugo angst #this is so bad :'))#i kinda gave up at the end fuck #i literally hate this so much whats wrong with my writing #is it just me or does it suck idk #im going night night

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sineala · 3 years

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A Few Thoughts About Hurt/Comfort

I have been asked this month to make a post about hurt/comfort in Avengers comics. And I love h/c -- I actually have a massive number of WIPs right now that are h/c -- so I am very happy to talk about it! Anyway, this is not really all that planned out and this mostly turned into an excursus on Tony Stark's pain. I'm sure you're all surprised.

Like pretty much everyone else, I'm sure, I have found that everything lately has been... pretty tough. And the coping mechanism that really got me through last year and this year was reading and writing a lot of h/c, on the theory that, however lousy a day I'm having, I can absolutely make sure that Tony Stark has a worse one. And then I can make sure he gets hugs. Wish fulfillment? Why, yes. (Once at Hallmark I was trying to find a "get well soon" card, forgot what it was called, and described it to my wife as "a hurt/comfort card.") I think Marvel Comics -- the Avengers side, in particular -- is an interesting canon for h/c for a lot of reasons. Though, honestly, if you asked me to recommend you, a hurt/comfort fan, a new fandom, I would probably just hand you some Starsky & Hutch DVDs. Go watch "The Fix" and get back to me later. If you like that, there's way more where that came from. But there's still lots to love in Marvel! Superhero comics are really a goldmine as far as the hurt side of h/c. Because superheroes, and you probably have noticed this, get hurt a lot. They get hurt repeatedly, in fantastical ways that are probably impossible in real life both physically and emotionally (at least, I don't think anyone's invented mind control yet), and even the heroes without superhuman healing powers tend to get physically hurt a whole lot worse than actual people can take. Currently in Iron Man comics, Tony has a broken back and is dealing with this by locking himself into the armor as a backboard and injecting himself with massive doses of painkillers. He's busy! He's got stuff to do! He doesn't have time to lie around and heal! So, basically, if you name a kind of pain that you would like to see happen to a character, it's probably happened to superheroes. Multiple times. The downside, though, is that comics do not really deliver that well when it comes to the comfort part of h/c. They could. It's not inherent to the medium that they don't. But because of the serial nature of comics and also the fact the primary audience is dudes who want to read about people in spandex punching each other, a lot of the time they don't really feel the need to provide closure and write about people dealing with any of the hurt. (Raise your hand if you're still annoyed with the end of Hickman's Avengers run.) But at the same time, I think that's a quality that makes Avengers ripe for h/c fanfic. Because, generally speaking, fandom likes to provide the things that canon doesn't, and fandom is more than happy to provide the comfort. If you enjoy canonical h/c in comics, I think you really can't go wrong with Iron Man. One of the big innovations of modern Marvel Comics was the concept that heroes would also suffer from relatable human problems, and in practice what this means is that a lot of heroes start with a fully-loaded angst-ridden backstory and origin story, ripe for h/c. So Tony starts out by incurring a heart injury that he fully expects is going to kill him, which he responds to by vowing he won't get close to anyone so they won't be sad when he dies, and throughout the early Silver Age is constantly on the brink of death as his heart nearly gives out on him practically every issue. And then even after his heart gets (mostly) better, there are various plots involving his armor being detrimental to his health and him choosing to fight on anyway. It's hard for me to think of another superhero hitting that particular variety of h/c in exactly the same way. Sure, superheroes risk their lives constantly, because this is how superhero comics work, but Tony is the only one I can think of who is this constantly this badly off, physically. Like, think of all the other heroes who have had a continual solo presence as fan favorites across Marvel history -- Captain America, Thor, Spider-Man, Wolverine, maybe even Deadpool. You know what those guys all have? Healing factors! For the most part, they are not running around continually on the verge of death, and while there are certainly memorable arcs involving several of them being severely injured and/or dead, you really have to work at it. It's not their constant state of affairs, whereas Tony is the kind of superhero who shows up to a fight already bleeding out under his armor. Yeah, I know Extremis gave him a healing factor. But he didn't have it very long, and also he did some extremely dangerous things while he did have it; I'm pretty sure I've never seen Wolverine saying that he'll just solve a problem by cutting off his own foot. So, anyway, yeah, there are a bunch of good arcs involving h/c for Tony. If you're looking for physical injury, he has a whole bunch of heart problems over the years, gets several new hearts, then ruins his brain, et cetera. That level of hurt is basically the background pain of Tony's life; every so often, his heart will get damaged or he'll have to live in the armor or the armor will be killing him, et cetera. If you're looking for more unusual trauma, I am, as always, going to rec Manhunt, a relatively obscure arc in late v3 (IM v3 #65-69) in which Tony has an extremely bad week. His tech is stolen and used to bomb a building. Then he gets shot in the chest. Then while he's at the hospital a nurse tries and fails to poison him, and she then tries to beat him to death. Then he checks himself out of the hospital and a helicopter shoots missiles at him. Then he becomes a fugitive from justice. And then, oh, yeah, he has to fight the Mandarin. It is... a lot. (Volume 3 of Iron Man is pretty good as far as h/c possibilities. You've got a lot of physical pain, Carol's drinking arc, the Sentient Armor, both DreamVision arcs, and Manhunt. Manhunt is finally supposed to be out in trade this month, by the way.) There are of course the drinking arcs, which probably count as their own type of hurt. But if you haven't read the second drinking arc (IM #160-200), please do. Marvel likes to up the stakes on events (Fear Itself, Secret Empire) by making Tony drink, and it does work, I think. I feel like I've spoken at length about Tony's drinking elsewhere so I don't really want to rehash it all here. And then there's the emotional pain. Angst and drama is something that happens to a whole bunch of characters, yes, especially in comics, but somehow Tony seems to end up with possibly more than his fair share of it. Fandom likes to make a lot of Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, so much so that you might think, if you didn't know canon, that this was just fandom running with a throwaway mention of Tony's terrible childhood and making it worse. But, no, canon really does go there with a reasonable amount of frequency. Howard's actual first appearance is in a flashback where he's ordering teenage Tony to break up with his girlfriend because she's the daughter of one of Howard's business rivals. And then we get into the verbal abuse, and the physical abuse, and the time Howard made Tony take his first drink, and the part where Howard was a demon in hell who Tony fought while he insulted him. And more! Currently, in canon, Howard is alive again and is in league with Mephisto for the express purpose of ruining Tony's life. Also when Tony was a baby, Howard tried to trade him to Dracula. I think you can make an argument that fandom is actually showing restraint when compared to canon. Tony also has a whole lot of Terrible Exes whose presence and/or former presence in Tony's life can be used for a lot of hurt. If you've read any amount of fanfic, you probably know that the exes who get the most play in fandom are Sunset Bain and Tiberius Stone -- not that Tony and Ty were ever canonically a couple, of course, but fandom is definitely enamored of this idea. Ty and Sunset both have relatively similar interactions with Tony in canon, in that they are both liars and emotional abusers, heavy on the gaslighting, with the purpose of becoming more successful than Tony. They both also attempt to murder Tony, although this is after he figures out they're evil, at least. (Yes, I know, this is not how either of them usually appear in AUs.) Tony also has a bunch of exes who also have just straight-up tried to murder or otherwise hurt him, sometimes while they are dating, and sometimes before Tony dates them: Whitney Frost, Indries Moomji, Kathy Dare, and Maya Hansen come to mind. There are probably more I'm not thinking of! But, yes, if you want to write about a guy in a series of terrible relationships, please consider Iron Man comics. If mind control is one of your favorite flavors of hurt, Tony's pretty good for that too. We all know about The Crossing. I suppose when I say "mind control" I mostly mean "armor control" because there are an awful lot of plots where someone else makes Tony's armor do whatever they want it to do and Tony is along for the ride -- Demon in a Bottle, Sentient Armor, and Execute Program are the first things that come to mind. There is also a fairly obscure What If that is What If Iron Man Lost The Armor Wars in which Justin Hammer apparently really wants Tony in a mind control collar to take off all his clothes and lounge around in his underwear. No, really. I think a lot of pain for Tony often revolves around his issues with control, generally -- his alcoholism comes into play here again. The entire aftermath of Civil War is also notable for its propensity to hurt Tony over and over and over. Is he stoically soldiering on through his grief after Steve dies? Hell, no! He cries, like, six separate times. He 100% blames himself for Steve's death. It's great. Everybody loves The Confession and the funeral in Fallen Son, but one of my personal favorites is Avengers/Invaders, in which Tony is confronted with a time-traveling Steve from WWII and in order not to screw up the timeline, he can't tell Steve he knows him. He is clearly not coping well. He shuts himself in a room with a giant wall of pictures of Steve! Also there's a part where he has to try to convince Steve he can trust him and he ends up having to tie Steve to a chair to talk to him, and Steve looks at him and asks, "Who did you kill to get where you are?" and I feel like that is probably one of the worst moments in Tony's life. No wonder he gave himself amnesia. So now we might want to ask, okay, but why is hurting Tony in fanfiction so much fun? I mean, I can tell you why I think it's fun. I can't speak for anyone else. One reason is that he is very emotional and very affected by everything he does. Sometimes you will see people complaining that the heroes of m/m fanfic cry too much and this is not realistic. This is not a problem if you're writing Tony! He can cry as much as you want and it's perfectly in character. I don't think it would be as fun to hurt him if he didn't express so much of his pain. But he does. He also feels guilty, and for me that's a very satisfying character element. If he were well-adjusted and didn't blame himself for so many things, it wouldn't be nearly as fun as watching him blame himself for everyone whose death he thinks he is responsible for, whether or not he is. And then he just keeps going, and it's, y'know, nice to watch him be resilient, too. So, I guess, I think hurting him is interesting because it's easy to hurt him, his weak points are pretty obvious, and he reacts a lot. Steve doesn't hurt quite as much as Tony does, in canon. It's certainly possible to hurt him -- I mean, they did actually kill him after Civil War, after all -- but I don't think the canonical patterns of hurting him are as numerous. Obviously deseruming Steve is a fairly popular go-to in terms of physical hurt; he's been deserumed at least three times that I know of. I think's easy to see the appeal there of taking a character who is fairly physically resilient and making him... much less so. Certainly Marvel seems to see the appeal. But other than that I don't think he has any other really common way to get physically injured. Unlike Tony, whose origin story is basically "oh no, I've acquired a disability," Steve's origin story is "I drank a serum that cured all my disabilities." Which, I mean, great wish fulfillment but there's not really as much there to poke at. Pretty much all of Steve's pain is emotional, but, unlike Tony, his pain isn't often specifically in response to someone directly, purposefully hurting him. Hickman's Avengers run is a big exception, yes. His pain seems to come up most often as a kind of situational angst. He feels like a man out of time. He feels out of touch with the modern era, with people his own age. He feels guilt because he feels responsible for Bucky's death. He feels like he can't trust the government and therefore he can't be Captain America. He worries that he doesn't know how to have a normal life. And, yes, these are deep and important worries but it's different than, like, Indries Moomji dumping Tony with the intent to make him sad enough to start drinking. Very few of Steve's villains want to personally ruin Steve's entire life the way Tony's villains do; mostly they just want to do things like bring back the Nazis. In terms of Steve's potential for h/c, I think Steve is harder to hurt than Tony is. Physically, he is definitely harder to hurt. You can deserum him, sure, but unless you want everything you write to be a deseruming fic you're probably not going to want to do that more than a couple of times. And if you want to hurt him physically while he has the serum, you have to hurt him hard. Usually past the point where a regular human would ever survive it. He's also harder to break, emotionally, than Tony is -- which means it's very satisfying when you can get him to break, but this is a guy who's only cried twice (that I remember) in canon. So if you want to get him to cry, you really, really have to wreck him, and he doesn't have as many obvious weak spots. He also doesn't generally sit around blaming himself for things that aren't his fault, and the whole "stewing in guilt" genre of plots for him basically came down to "he was sad that he thought Bucky's death was his fault," and that's really the biggest regret he seems to have, and also Bucky's not dead anymore. The Steve/Tony relationship itself, I would think, is also appealing to h/c fans because canon provides a lot of ways for them to hurt each other. Some people only ship pairings who would never, y'know, take turns beating each other half to death in major event comics. (And for a lot of Marvel Comics history, that was also Steve & Tony, so if you want them to be BFFs who have never fought, you can just set your fic earlier.) They have definitely hurt each other both physically and emotionally, so if you're looking for something easy and satisfying as a h/c fan, you can just read or write something where they... make up. What about Marvel characters other than Steve and Tony? Surely some of them are angsty, yes? Well, yes, but also it depends on the particular flavor of angst that you like. If you like the way Tony hurts, you may very well enjoy Doctor Strange comics, because they have a very similar attitude towards life -- they are both former alcoholics whose origin stories involve physical disabilities, who routinely make tactical decisions that negatively affect their continued existence and/or happiness a whole lot. It's very much an "I must suffer alone in the dark and no one will ever know what I am doing to save the world but it's the right thing to do" sort of vibe. Like, you can read comics where Strange is lying in hell with two broken legs, hallucinating that Clea has finally come to save him. Strange's biggest fear, akin to Tony's control issues, is basically that one day he's going to be an asshole again, so he's out there trying as hard as he can to do good. Also, if you like tentacles, he has all of them. I mean that. Carol also occasionally hits similar angst spots, and her drinking arc is great. A lot of people like Natasha, too; I have read zero Black Widow comics but I get the impression many people enjoy her brand of angst. The mutant metaphor is a little different in terms of overall vibe, but some people really like it as a source of angst -- the whole "protecting a world who hates and fears them" thing. It may not work for you, but if you like your hurt to include things like systemic oppression, go pick up some X-Men comics. Start with something like God Loves Man Kills. I feel like I liked this sort of thing a lot more as a teenager but that I kind of aged out of liking the mutants quite so much. It's also worth mentioning that not everything that hits the spot in one universe will be the same in the others, and I'm mentioning this because I feel like I have to say something about MCU Bucky. MCU fandom seems to get a lot of mileage out of Bucky's guilt about being the Winter Soldier, everything he was forced to do, et cetera. I have definitely read my share of those fics, and FATWS sure went right for that angst too. But as far as I can tell, he doesn't hit the same way at all in 616. And I like him a lot in 616; I'm always pleased when he shows up on a team. (He was so good in Strikeforce. Everyone was so good in Strikeforce.) But the thing is, 616 Bucky is, basically, phenomenally well-adjusted, given everything he's gone through, and I'm including the time he wrestled a bear in a gulag. He gets over having been the Winter Soldier, and now he's just, y'know, a guy with a cool arm who likes to bring guns to every fight to horrify his teammates, and he snarks at Clint. If you're looking for that angst, that is really not him these days. He's all better. So pretty much all that is canon. So what do we do in fandom for h/c? Well, as far as I can tell, a decent amount of it is canon-based or very canon-close -- there are a whole lot of stories exploring the angst of Civil War or Hickman's Avengers run. Tony's drinking comes up a fair amount, and if one of Tony's Evil Exes comes back to haunt him, it's pretty much only Tiberius Stone. I don't think I've read a lot of fic with Steve getting deserumed; it doesn't seem as popular in fandom as in canon. When Steve gets hurt, he tends to just get physically whumped pretty hard, and there's a fair amount of that for Tony too, but of course Steve can take more. There's also a thriving, uh, subgenre of pain involving Hydra Steve doing terrible things to Tony, presumably the terrible things he would have wanted to do to Tony in canon if Tony had had a flesh body. There's the usual kinds of h/c setups that appear in basically every fandom as well -- sickfic, whump, dub-con/non-con. You get the idea. But since fandom in general likes to take specific inspiration from canon, there's a lot of fic where the hurt tends to resemble things that happen more in canon. Like, I feel like comics fic probably has more tentacle fic and more mind control than canons that don't come pre-stocked with those. Probably everybody has a whole lot of "tied up by bad guys," though. And then, of course, fandom brings the comfort that canon does not. This is true in pretty much every fandom -- I mean, you aren't going to find a lot of actual canons where Character A saves Character B from mortal peril and then there's gay sex -- but, like I was saying, comics don't provide a lot of closure before it's onto the next thing. Usually with a different creative team, who has no interest in wrapping up anything from the last team. Steve and Tony talked about the incursions exactly once after Secret Wars and nobody mentioned the part where Steve spent several months trying to hunt Tony down and kill him. Tony is never going to remember the events of Civil War. Hydra Steve died ignominiously in a fire and no one has ever talked about him again. Honestly, if you're looking for a way to get some comfort in your fanfic, picking an event, any event, and just having the characters talk about it will be way more than any of them get in canon. I feel like honestly that can often be a pretty satisfying to read. And even though comics canon physically hurts characters pretty often and pretty badly, they also often skip right past the recovery. Maybe you'll get one page of a character in a hospital bed at the end of the story arc. Maybe you won't. Demon in a Bottle has one splash page of Tony going through alcohol withdrawal and then he's all better. I think Manhunt skips to Tony getting out of the hospital at the end. That's just not a story that they want to tell very often. The second drinking arc is notable in that it devotes almost as many issues to Tony's recovery as it does to getting him to rock-bottom. Similarly, Steve is done with his Nomad angst way way faster than you probably think he is (though The Captain does go in for a fair number of issues). So one of the things we often want to do in fandom is focus on all the bits that canon skips over, both in the "why did no one ever mention this story arc ever again" way and the "wow, so how long are they in the hospital after that" way. That's really all I can think of about h/c! I'm off to write some more of it!

#posts i actually wrote

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faepunkprince · 3 years

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Character Bio Tag

Tagged by: several people im so sorry

Tagging: @erectum @ddeadbot @breezypunk @scarecrowshindig @shinycorvidae @shitposting-for-the-soul @kurakaji and anyone else who wants to!

General

Name: Valentine Graves

Aliases/Nicknames: Val, V

Gender: Male?

Age: 25

Birthdate: Unknown

Place of Birth/Hometown: Night City- he's fairly sure somewhere in Heywood

Sexual Preference: Bisexual

Occupation: Merc

Appearance

Eye color: Black sclera, white Xs- the symbols in his eyes are programmed to change with certain emotions, he can technically turn off that feature but never does. Natural color was a very pretty hazel/green

Hair Color: Neon green with darker green sides- naturally a dark brown

Height: 5'7

Scars: Several, most notably the one that starts at his left eyebrow, dips into the socket and continues across the bridge of his nose- earned back in Atlanta, when his eye was nearly taken as a trophy for the man behind the ring he was taken by. Second of note is the one on his neck, hidden by the bright floral tattoo, where they gashed him open to try and kill him after they were busted. He has several more littering his body, thanks to his work, and life in general.

Favorite

Color: He has trouble picking a favorite but the bright green is one along with pale blues

Hair color: on himself its the green, he doesnt have a preference on other people!

Song: Never Fade Away- honestly he adores Samurai, so anything by them is a safe bet.

Food: Sushi, if you buy him sushi he will literally die for you

Drink: Coffee (cream and sugar!), rum, whiskey, bubble tea (honeydew or taro flavor!)

Have they

Passed University: Never went, never could afford to.

Had Sex: Oh, yeah. He's straight up hypersexual, and uses it as a coping mechanism as well.

Had Sex In Public: Yes and its absolutely something he fantasized about

Gotten Pregnant: No

Kissed A Boy: Yes

Kissed A Girl: Yes

Gotten tattoos: Absolutely, he has several, all over his body, and he wants more eventually

Gotten piercings: Also several- eyebrow, septum, lip, nipples and he's debating a bellybutton one as well

Been In Love: Absolutely, the poor thing falls for people so easy.

Stayed up for more than 24 hours: very very regularly, he can't really sleep, and when he does its not for long.

Are They

A Virgin: oh fuck not by a longshot

A Cuddler: yess he's very very touch starved, he adores cuddles if he knows they're allowed

A Kisser: Absolutely yes

Scared Easily: Not as easily as one would think, though there are certain things that'll get him.

Jealous Easily: noo, and he feels like he has no right to be

Dominant: the poor thing can try, but no.

Submissive: to an alarming degree

In Love: Yes, with anyone who shows him any semblance of kindness

Single: Depends on the au!

Random Questions (TW Self Harm/ Suicide mention)

Have they harmed themselves: yes, in one way or another, sometimes he doesnt even realize that's what he's doing.

Thought of suicide: Absolutely

Attempted Suicide: Yes, more than once

Wanted to kill someone: Several times. Usually on behalf of someone close to him.

Have/Had a Job: Mercenary work, he works himself to the bone. Occasionally he's done a bit of sex work, mostly in the past.

Have any Fears: dying alone is a big one. Being found by anyone left over from Atlanta- which is valid because the man behind it is still out there and is still looking for him. Losing friends and loved ones is another big one.

Family

Siblings: none

Parents: He has no idea who his parents were, they never wanted him so they dipped after he was born. They were both heavily involved in drugs and things they shouldn't have been.

Children: no, and he knows he wouldn't be a good parent

S/O: au dependant, Johnny

Pets: Jareth, the Goblin King, found outside his apartment building in an alley, he took the poor thing in and nursed him back to health- only has him in certain aus though, mostly he assumes he cant care for a pet.

#v for valentine #long post #im so sorry this is so late

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creacherkeeper · 3 years

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im getting a little too in my family feels today and so INSTEAD of feeling those im just going to ramble for a second about why i fucking love paladin!aelwyn because. im. just like this i guess im coping leave me alone

cw for discussions of child abuse, maladaptive coping, drugs and alcohol, self harm, destructive tendencies, basically everything we see in canon and the implications

aelwyn is ... SO interesting to me because for as much of her interiority as we see, as much of her as we think we understand, as much as i could ramble about her character for hours, we know ALMOST NOTHING about her in actuality?? (besides ... one key thing)

(this is like 2k and probably incoherent someone please stop me)

okay. listen. almost everything we see aelwyn do in s1 is maladaptive rebellion against her parents and home life. the drinking, the drugs, the partying, perhaps some of kalvaxus (though i dont think we fully understand how much of that was forced on her as well, kalina WAS watching her when she was talking to adaine about it). you can say like, oh aelwyn is a party animal, she's impulsive, she makes risky decisions, she's bitchy and rude, and its like. okay but IS SHE ACTUALLY. because under her parents thumb she had an EXTREMELY limited amount of freedom, and usually when people are suffering from very little control over their life, they WILL act destructively over the tiny bit they can, either harming themselves or their environment or people lower than them in the pecking order, because in a way, that feels like a reclamation of autonomy. saying "you have so much power over me but can you stop me from hurting myself and destroying what you havent managed to claim yet?". its just like, kind of what human brains do and frequently has little to do with a persons actual personality or impulses, its just. desperate brains trying to control SOMETHING because autonomy is a fundamental human need and when thats taken away we get. very bad off. (this is one big reason eating disorders are SO common with abused kids.) so i think a lot of the s1 aelwyn we see is like. this is a very desperate, abused teenager "acting out" in the only way it is possibly somewhat safe for her to do so because, on a psychological level, the self destruction is weirdly the only emotional tether and its either this or just dissociate all the time (something we do see she has problems with in canon)

and yes, she did treat adaine horribly in s1. she fully did. obviously what we get in canon is what happens but a moment thats interesting to me is in episode 1 where adaine has attacked aelwyn several times, who either does nothing or just bounces it back, when she says "i never cast spells at you" and siobhan immediately retcons it and says "yes you do, all the time" (i havent gone back and watched this bit so i might be wording this wrong). obviously its an improv show and the canon is built between performers as they go, but that was interesting to me. that brennan hadnt intended for her to have fought back in that way. she definitely feeds into the emotional abuse from their parents and participates in all the toxicity there, but we know in canon that she did that because of overwhelming fear and self preservation. and that her self hatred because of it just fed back into the cycle and made her feel like she wasnt good enough to even try to break free from it. this is very common in golden child/scapegoat sibling relationships where the golden child SEES what the parents are capable of and becomes a participant in the abuse out of fear for their own standing. in any way siding with the scapegoat child not only directs abuse at themselves as well, but frequently makes things WORSE for the scapegoat because the parents will take out the challenge to their power on them even more. so, if aelwyn DID ever try to defend or help adaine when they were small, she would have VERY QUICKLY learned that made things worse for everyone. and just. sectioned that part of her brain off, as she's done with so many other things. (and i dont think im reading too much into the forest scene with the abernants to say their parents were VERY QUICK to turn abuse towards aelwyn if she stepped out of line even a little. like, you dont flinch when a hand moves unless. you know. dont need to say it just something to think about. as far as we saw in canon, she had done everything they asked of her leading up to the forest, and we DONT KNOW what happened in it but we do know brennan specifically called out how in broken spirits she was when adaine was summoned, even though they did the ritual to avoid all of the nightmare bullshit)

(the house party is literally a whole separate post but i think its fair to point out that 1) she was super under the influence when that was happening which DEFINITELY is in no way an excuse for her behavior but worth remembering when trying to analyze that 2) her losing that fight did canonically have DRASTIC consequences for her and even if she didnt know exactly how that was going to turn out, i think she knew how bad it might be. and she did not know adaine or any of the bad kids were going to be there in the first place)

all that said, it feels in some ways counterproductive to say that aelwyn is an extremely devoted and protective person (yes we're getting to the paladin shit i know i've been rambling a while) but i think that thats strangely ALL WE ACTUALLY KNOW ABOUT HER. because we've established that her self-destructive and abusive behavior in s1 is almost entirely psychologically scripted for her by her parents, we dont know how much of her villain shit in s1 was LITERALLY UNDER THREAT OF DEATH because we know at least killing the oracle was and we dont know how much of the rest of it was mandated by either her parents or kalina other than that she probably was under orders not to tell adaine the truth, and we know participating in all of this caused extreme self loathing in her that she refused to show to anybody and was too terrified to act on in any way

so, like. what does that actually leave us?

here's what we do know about aelwyn:

- of all the schools of magic, she went into abjuration

- the entire bbeg plan from season 1 hinged on aelwyn's complete faith that her level 1 sister was the most prodigious diviner in the world

- right after (?) the house party, she locked her memories where only adaine could find it with a note basically saying "theres so much bad blood between us but i know only you could find this"

- she desperately wanted to protect adaine and the fact that she was too afraid to do so made her hate herself (and her knowing that adaine now knows this is the turning point in their relationship)

- despite everything, even in the nmk forest, she still loved her parents

- the SECOND she is shown genuine love and affection and care from adaine, and adaine says whatever you do, i am here with you, all her actions from there forward are just about protecting adaine from their father, very nearly at the cost of her own life

- with what she probably thought were her last words (and would have been if adaine hadnt given her the tincture), all she wanted to communicate was how to help adaine and the bad kids, and how despite everything she had always believed in her

- at five levels of exhaustion, unconscious, she used her first spell slot after nine months of torture to build a shield around adaine

NOW we get to paladin!aelwyn. because, once everything is stripped away, the abuse and the control and the maladaption and the threats and the torture, EVERYTHING we ACTUALLY can glean about aelwyn's personality and inner core is that she's protective and devoted. and of course classes arent locked by personality, but that just screams paladin to me. its her WHOLE THING. adaine even says "wizards dont have heals, we dont care about other people" and of COURSE that isnt true for either of them, but? mechanically? aelwyn chose the wizard school that DID let her protect, and DID let her help, but i dont think, at this point, going forward, thats really going to be enough for her (and we could also talk about the parallels between them, how often adaine uses her portents to help other people)

i think a lot of the different reads on aelwyn come from this fundamental disconnect between her actions and displayed personality vs who she actually is and what she actually wants. and i think there are very different interpretations of what thats going to look like for her going forward. but i think, for a girl who's most hated characteristic about herself was her self preservation at the detriment of others, her perceived selfishness, and her fear ... isn't choosing to be braver and more selfless and more protective and shedding that self-preserving instinct for the betterment of others ... and MECHANICALLY being able to act on all those things ... the logical next step? i think its going to be a LONG TIME before aelwyn can love herself, but what other way is there to try? if adaine loves her, and adaine believes she can be better, isnt being better because she trusts adaine kind of a form of self love? saying, i dont believe in myself, but i believe in the person who believes in me, and maybe, in a roundabout way, thats the same thing. she was never able to TRY to be better before, because trying to improve even a little, even when people arent watching, when a harmful force has so much power over you and your actions ... like, the mental dissonance is honestly TOO much to even try, thats WAY more terrifying than letting yourself be bad, to the point where thats psychologically impossible for a lot of people. but now she actually has space and freedom and CHOICE and she CAN embrace the instincts she always had to shove down, she CAN be the person she knows her sister needed her to be

i dont know, i think theres an inherent love letter to yourself in wanting to be better and wanting to improve, even if you justify it by saying its for someone else. and now aelwyn actually CAN improve, and thats probably going to be extremely awkward and scary and there will be set backs and backslides for sure. but. i dont know. i think she wants to make up for lost time. because she never wanted the time to be lost in the first place. and if a protector is who she always wanted to be, whats stopping her from being that now?

#fantasy high #dimension 20 #aelwyn abernant #WHO LET ME WRITE ALL THIS #does this even. fucking. make sense. who knows.#THE BRAINROT THE BRAINROT THE BRAINROT

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