#no like this isnt even bad news. theres no logical reason you should be upset about this even a little bit

[soft-spooks]

good evening. im regressing <3

#its sooooo funny how i have one (1) night thats awful in such a specific way. and here i come crawling back 2 this blog #at least i know it will always be here for me. sigh #like dont get me wrong i loooove selfships i love selfhsip content but i dont always feel like i Need it u know #like its such a big coping mechanism that when things are good im like! yes! its so cute but i dont think about it as much #and then i get some news that crushes my heart and soul and suddenly im like. oh ok. my fake boyfriends will help me feel better about this #laying on the floor. it's so dumb #not. this blog. the thing im upset about #its fine. like its cool. its not a big deal #but the specific fucked up way my brain works is like. #a solif 80% of my mind is like oh its the end of the world you should kill yourself actjally #while the other 20% is over in the corner like. #no like this isnt even bad news. theres no logical reason you should be upset about this even a little bit #aughghghhh. anyway. ive got like 6 chapters of sl to catch up on and also i watched hannibal clips yesterday #and also ive been rewatching bfu and ghostfiles so . prepare for me tobe absolutley fucking insufferable #oh and im thinking abt fish a lot so naturally that means im also thinking about merm/subnautica aus . wooohoo

[honeydewwhereareyou]

im watching my life kinda crumble around me and the way im reacting to it is a really good sign of how strong ive become

my instructor was fired today and so we…dont have an instructor…and competitions are about to start. we got this news today and i watched as all the girls around me began to cry and sob and all i could think was that this isnt the worst thing to ever happen to me. tears i could have been crying then were instead saved for a topic that was worth my tears, i guess. not that im not upset, of course i am because i love my instructor and he didnt deserve to be fired at all, but all the whiny little teenage girls acted like the entire world was ending and i didnt even realize at first that the reason i wasnt right there with them, the reason it didnt feel like my world was ending, was because ive watched my world end right before my eyes so. many. times now. and i know that as a team we will get through this. and i was logical enough to see that its going to be okay.

and its never felt that way with you. not for a year, now. ive been scared of losing you and for good reason, clearly, because here i am again, crying because youre all i need. i should be crying over normal teenage girl things? like my best friend making an offhand comment that i look ugly or like getting a bad grade on a test but my best friends arent bitches and i dont get bad grades on tests (ever) and all im left with to cry about is a boy that i love deeply but who doesnt love me back and who doesnt want me and every day that realization sinks further down no matter what i try to tell myself. you dont want me. and so that little playlist on your spotify that i wish was about me is about someone else because thats the only logical explanation and theres someone else in your life thats making you happy now because i just…couldnt.

it hurts so bad and im about to have to endure so much drama and bullshit about this entire situation and im cracking under the pressure because i dont have my best friend to lean on anymore and i NEED that. i need you so badly right now and it sucks to know that you wouldnt pick up the phone if i were to call you.