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thousandfourhundreddays · 1 year

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Almost Yours, part 1

A/n heyyy, reposting this because I’m wanting to do a part two and it flopped the first time :’)

Part two coming soon ❤️‍🔥

Can you come over? we need to talk

Sending.

Delivered.

Read.

The words had been typed out for hours, never quite bringing yourself to press send. You felt sick, wether it was the nerves or fear, you weren’t sure. Guilt, probably, you thought to yourself. The guilt of having a three month affair, whilst your boyfriend went about life completely oblivious.

Typing.

On my way xx

Unable to even think of a response, you threw your phone down to the side of you, trying to figure out how you were going to break the news to him, and in turn, probably break his heart.

Memories of the past three months raced through your head; the first time you met, the first kiss, the first time you had the most mind blowing sex of your life. But it wasn’t just the sex, maybe it started that way, Mason filling the role of your actual boyfriend who didn’t seem to be able to satisfy you, and definitely didn’t care enough to even try, but it had soon turned into long, heated, passionate nights filled with careful touches and long conversations about anything and everything. You could argue it was perfect, if you forgot about the man waiting at home for you, of course.

I’m outside xx

Before you knew it, 15 minutes had passed and you were snapped out of your thoughts when you heard your phone go off. Letting out a heavy sigh, you stood from the sofa, making your way towards the door. The sight of Masons car in your driveway was a sight you’d seen countless times, that was part of the agreement, never in your house, it was too much of a risk. But the butterflies that usually erupted in your stomach didn’t feel so strong this time, now all you felt was sick as you stepped out into the cold.

You could see him looking at you from the drivers seat, clearly trying to read you, unsure what was to come following your cryptic text.

Wordlessly, you sat in the passenger seat, something that once felt so familiar, made you feel so uneasy.

“Hi” he spoke gently, confusion laced within his voice.

“Hey” you replied, trying your best to smile at him.

He reached for your hands which rested in your lap, his neck craned to try and read your face as your eyes remained firmly trained on your fingers as you anxiously picked at the skin around your nails. You’d planned this conversation so many times in your head, yet now, your mind went completely blank as silence filled the car.

“Y/n? Are you-”

“I can’t do this anymore” you blurted out, trying to keep your voice from wavering.

The silence that followed was painful, your teeth bit harshly into your bottom lip, eyes clamped tightly shut as you tried desperately not to cry; again.

He let go of your hands, the warmth of his skin no longer providing you any comfort as he sat back in his seat, yet his eyes never left you once. You heard him let out a shaky breath, neither of you quite knowing what to say.

“W-what?”

“I said I can’t-”

“I know what you said, y/n” he snapped, and if you didn’t know him so well, you’d think he was angry, but the sadness in his eyes broke your heart more than you thought possible.

“I’m sorry, Mase, I’m so sorry” your words cracked as tears began to spill down your cheeks. “I just can’t do this anymore” you cried desperately. “God- this isn’t me, Mase, I’m not the sort of girl who cheats!”

But you were.

“I hate this! I hate what I’m doing to you, and I hate what I’m doing to him” words poured from your lips after months of being trapped in your mind, desperate to make him not hate you. He never could, of course, but it didn’t feel like that.

“Leave him then” he stated blankly,

“Mason” you warned “you know I can’t”

“Please” tears were now spilling down his own skin, those eyes that had completely captivated you pleading with you not to let him go.

“Please, y/n” his voice was almost silent, almost hopeless as he pulled you closer, his forehead coming to rest against your own. “Please don’t push me away.” he spoke through broken sobs. “We can make this work, I promise. Leave him and come live with me, I don’t care what anyone else thinks… I just want you”

“Mason-” you tried to pull away as you pleaded with him to not make this any harder, but before you could, he pulled you close, holding your cheeks as he pulled you into the most passionate kiss he could manage. And as always, he made you feel alive again, the undeniable spark you shared present, even now. You couldn’t help but kiss him back, your hands coming up to hold his arms, as if if you let go, he’d slip away completely, both of you pouring everything you had into the kiss.

“I love you”

You breath caught in your throat when you heard his words, but somehow it wasn’t a shock. You were both doubtlessly head over heels for each other, it was a bittersweet feeling hearing those words. But you couldn’t help but shake your head,

“I’m sorry” you apologize, for what felt like the one hundredth time, trying your best to stay set on your decision. You felt like you needed to go before you would give into him, so before he could protest, you pulled away, opening the door, but not before taking one last look at him,

“I do” you nodded, looking deep into those eyes that could hold your heart forever,

“love you” you confirmed “but I can’t do this Mase”

And with that, you left the car, walking back to your front door as you realized that he would only ever be almost yours.

#mason mount oneshot #mason mount angst #mason mount fanfic #mason mount fluff #mason mount x reader #mason mount smut #mason mount imagine #mason mount #chelsea fc #ben chilwell #ruben dias

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wh0refornikolailantsov · 1 year

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Prompt: “You’re the only risk I've ever thought might be worth taking.”

Song: Force of Nature - Bea Miller

For Tolya x Reader please :)

Pay Your Debts - Tolya Yul Bataar

I got you, I got you. Song fic incoming.

Content Warnings: Cursing, Mentions Of Canon Compliant Violence And Threat. No Beta/Proof Reading, We Die Like Men.

I don't know why but my hands are shaking I can see you coming and I stand waiting

Wylan is showing you around the stalls and pretending to not notice as your gaze keeps darting over to where Tolya and Jesper sit and talk.

"It's not my place," Wylan starts, "but have you considered talking to him?"

"You're right," you say to the demolition expert, "it's not your place."

Wylan gives you an awkward smile, a little nervous about the plan and more nervous about causing issues amongst the group. "I don't mean to overstep but you got a little..." he searches the air for a better word, one less likely to offend, "lost earlier."

Yeah I get tongue tied in the conversation It's an fucked up, sad, sick situation

"Lost," you breathe out, that is a way of putting it. You had completely fallen over your words, Tolya had unravelled you and you didn't know how to respond. It had taken the trip here and then time on top of that to pull yourself back together. You spot Jesper throwing a hopeless glance Wylan's way and you give the boy a small jab with your elbow. "Lovers quarrel?"

"Not exactly," Wylan says, his throat tighter now.

"Touched a nerve?" you ask.

"Did I?" he asks in return.

"Touché."

Truthfully you didn't know if you wanted to talk about it or not, and you could tell Wylan was in a similar place, unsure of where to step, and not sure if there was any use in voicing any of it. But Jesper seemed eager to try and make amends for whatever it is that has upset him. Tolya smiles as he talks in words too quiet for you to hear at this distance. He likely hasn't a clue about the state his words have left you in.

I tried to tie my heart down, board up all the windows Oh but it's too late now

You blame yourself partially, thinking you'd know better than to let your heart get away with you, running miles ahead of your mind. Part of you was just mad Tolya Yul Bataar was just this easy to fall in love with.

I let you get too close I know I should take cover, hide inside these four walls

But he is, just so easy to fall in love with, and you cannot overlook that now. He catches you watching and his smile broadens, and your heart swells. You know he would be able to tell even at this distance if he was listening for it, the way your heart leaps at him.

But baby I surrender, it all 'Cause you're a force of nature

Tolya looks back to Jesper who is trying to figure out where he misstepped with Wylan. And as helpful as Tolya is trying to be, his mind has slipped elsewhere. This thoughts clouded, he hasn't been able to pay attention, truly pay attention for a while now. This feeling is familiar but also so foreign to him. Jesper waves a hand in front of Tolya's face and he looks away from you and back to Jesper.

"Getting involved with a friend seems to be a dangerous game friend," Jesper says, having followed your gaze.

"Friendship, companionship, true companionship, is more important than any other relationship, and as long as you're putting that first, I don't think it's a game at all," Tolya replies.

Look at what you've done I can taste the danger but I don't wanna run

"It's just a risk is what I am saying," Jesper sighs, "but when it's good, it's a risk worth taking, worth making a fool out of yourself for, worth putting yourself on the line for... I have to talk to Wylan don't I?"

Tolya just nod and reaches for a small book he keeps in a pocket, Jesper sensing a poetry reading coming on, dismisses himself quickly from the situation, and Tolya laughs off his quick exit.

So pull me to the ground and I won't put up a fight I'm a caution taker, but baby you're a force of nature

"I don't doubt your skills," Wylan is saying as you tune back in, "and Tolya sure looks like he could take down an army by himself." You can sense the insecurity in Wylan, and although you missed half of the information that probably would explain where it is coming from you want to dispel it quickly.

"There are no safer hands I'd lay my life in," you say.

"Aren't you perhaps biased?" Wylan asks a little sheepishly. You ignore the comment.

"I have seen Tolya fight, I have fought beside him, time and time again, he is relentless and courageous," you say. "His skills with his swords watch the skills of his Heartrending, he is a warrior, and when it comes to what he believes is right, I have not seen him waver."

"But don't you worry about it still, fighting?" Wylan asks. He looks younger to you now, younger than you've ever seen him look, maybe it's the concern, or maybe it's the way he isn't feeling the need to bolster himself up amongst the other Crows, you know what Wylan is capable of, you know the destruction contained in such a small body. But that does not mean he is free of fear. The fear doesn't make him look weak, but human.

"I do not worry about dying," you say, unsure of if it's truthful, "but I do worry about him. He would lay down his life for those he fights with, he would lay down his life for me, he nearly has once or twice, and that scares me."

"Losing someone you love is scarier than death," Wylan agrees. Tolya approaches and Wylan gives you a gentle side-eye before finally giving in and walking over to where Jesper is stood awkwardly awaiting him.

"Could I borrow you a moment?" he asks.

"Want to read some poetry to me before we do the reckless acts that ensue?" you joke.

"The poetry might have to wait," Tolya admits. You doubt six words from his mouth could shock you more than those.

I feel your lips move in and they take me under You know just what to do that make me want you

"Okay, what is it?" you ask, and you cannot help your heart as it drums against your chest, demanding to beat faster, demanding to beat louder, demanding to be heard.

And I know I'll be broken when it's over Oh but I can't help but move closer

"I do not think I can go into this with a clear mind, without speaking honestly, and I think a clear mind is the only way to approach this and keep us all safe," he says. You nod, not knowing what he is talking about at all but stepping closer to hear him better, to read him better, to just be closer.

I tried to tie my heart down, board up all the windows Oh but it's too late now

"Jesper said love is a risk, and from what I know of love, which is mostly conceptual, is that it is truly one of the few risks worth taking," you have no idea where he is going with this but you feel like you're going to fall down. Between earlier and now Tolya seems so full of surprises that you're not sure what to do with yourself.

I let you get too close 'Cause you're a force of nature

"I never bothered looking for love, searching it out, trying to find it in the ways others have, my sister for example," he says, "because I felt no need for it. I have my books that are filled with romance, and I have my faith to be loyal and devoted to, and isn't love just a combination of those things?"

You nod, still not able to find words, but you're not sure he is asking for you to find them.

Look at what you've done I can taste the danger but I don't wanna run

"And I haven't gone looking," Tolya continues, his hand brushes your arm and you're bones feel like water, like you might evaporate if he touches you again. But Saints you wanted him to touch you again.

So pull me to the ground and I won't put up a fight I'm a caution taker, but baby you're a force of nature

"But I have been thinking," he says.

"Dangerous," you manage, the repetitive joke nearly dying on your tongue as the work struggles its way out.

I don't care if I survive So crash into me one more time

"And, watching Wylan and Jesper, it is not that I want what they have, the way they look at one another, the way they understand one another," he says. "It is more than I recognise it, I understand it, and it may not be the same, not exactly the same, I may not feel things in the exact same way, but I understand that when Wylan looks at Jesper, and wishes nothing less than the world for him, I know that feeling as my own."

'Cause you're a force of nature Look at what you've done

"And yes, maybe love is a risk, but one worth taking," he says. “You’re the only risk I've ever thought might be worth taking.”

I can taste the danger but I don't wanna run So pull me to the ground and I won't put up a fight

You are convinced your heart has stopped in your chest. "A risk I'd take, with you." Those six words, they shock you even more. You open your mouth to speak but no words come out. He smiles. "I do not expect anything in return-,"

"Tolya," you manage and he stops his talking, patient and happy to hear what you have to say.

You had done all you could to keep yourself from getting hurt, to keep your emotions out of your relationship with him because more than anything, his companionship, his friendship, his presence, it meant more to you than anything. You wanted nothing more than to finish a long day and come back to four walls and sit by a fire drinking warm tea while Tolya read poetry to the quiet of the crackling flames. You didn't need more, you told yourself you'd always be happy if things were just this way. And you would. Being around him would always be enough for you. But this wasn't you getting your hopes up, this wasn't you setting yourself up for heartbreak. He is telling you how he feels, and he isn't telling you it to hear it in return or because he wants something to come from it, he is telling you just so you know. Just because he needed you to know.

I'm a caution taker, but baby you're a force of nature "Tolya, I..." you try again. "It's the only risk I think is worth taking too."

He smiles, his hand resting on your arm as you try to stop from shaking. You want to make a joke, but only one comes to mind. "So," you try to sound calm and collected, try to sound blasé, but the smile you cannot keep from your lips gives you away. "Should we run off and get married?"

He laughs. "They would never see it coming," he smiles.

But baby you're a force of nature

Zoya is staring at the two of you, with even more disapproval than usual as Tolya takes a step back to offer you space, you reach around and grab the book from his pocket, flipping to a familiar page and starting to read aloud.

"Pay up," Nina says, holding out her hand. Zoya scowls.

"That proves nothing," Zoya says.

Inej peels away from a wall, where she had been standing unseen even in the daylight. "What I heard made it clear as day," Inej states.

Nina curls and uncurls her fingers from her palm, pushing her hand back to Zoya, who without turning to her hands her twenty Kruge. Nina smiles and slips it in her dress. But baby you're a force of nature

Inej looks to Nina, who is watching the two of you closely. "I think they're very sweet," Nina muses.

"You're just smug you got paid," Zoya says. Inej smiles, a small private smile to herself, watching you both, slow paced and cautious, like the war isn't raging, like time doesn't matter, like nothing could touch the two of you.

"I think they're perfect for eachother," Inej says.

"I do look forward to telling his sister," Zoya says, and she almost lets a smile slip, almost. But baby you're a force of nature.

#shadow and bone #tolya #tolya x reader #tolya yul bataar #grishaverse #tolya and tamar #six of crows #fluff #tolya fanfic #tolya my darling i adore you #tolya yul bataar fluff

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kharonion · 4 months

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I would like to hear about Purgatory 👀👀👀

[ ask about my WIPs ]

Whoof, this is probably the most Angsty and Rough WIP currently. It's already made me cry a few times... oops. Purgatory is the telling of the infamous Rooftop Scene, but for Vikt's specific canon story. And... it's as heart-wrenching as it might already sound. This happens near endgame, so Vikt is at a point where he is severely struggling to maintain even a granule of hope; he's exhausted all options, stuck with this death sentence he has no clue what to do about. It's ugly, frankly...

SNIPPET—WARNING, THIS IS ROUGH; TW for depression and dangerous ideation:

“V.”

“What.”

“Talk to me. Because I know you’re—”

“You don’t fucking know shit, Johnny.”

He sulks in the cheap chair. Makes it creak under his weight, but hell if he cares. Doesn’t care about much anymore, brain fried to the point he can hardly register where he even is; the only clues it’s a rooftop are the faint whooshes of a breeze, the rare absence of the city stench.

Johnny perches, overlooks the cityscape. He’s gotten more real by the day. His chrome now gleams in the neon lights. His eyes are a definitive brown—and they’ve not stopped looking at him. Big and sad, like a puppy dog.

Vikt can’t bring himself to return the gaze.

He’s a dead man walking, they say—some go so far as to throw out the word zombie. Pulled back from the brink enough times to count on two hands. People call him… lucky. Makes Vikt sick. Pisses him off.

He sure as fuck doesn’t feel like it.

Not when he’s lost damn near everyone his cold, dark heart has opened up to. When he now has to visit their graves, stare longingly at the names he can’t bring himself to delete from his contact list in the hopes they’ll pick up when he calls.

Not when he’s a monster of Arasaka’s creation who has ruined so many lives with his own two hands. When he’s worn innocent blood like a second skin and thought nothing of it.

Not when he sits here so close to death he tastes it on his tongue—a disgusting copper, so thick it’s leaden in his throat. A dread he can’t swallow. A hopelessness gnawing at the few nerves his brain has left. His heart aches, but it’s hard to tell if it’s from the cloud of despair or the way his heart struggles to keep him alive.

The pistol rests right there. Its metal is glittering like a beacon. His eyes won’t leave it. Vaguely, he knows his fingers twitch; they’re craving its weight in the palm of his hand. Something tugs at him, pulls his hand toward it ever so slowly… This is your way out. This is your solace, your release. This is what’s best—for everyone.

“Fuck you doing, V?” Johnny’s snap is enough for Vikt’s eyes to dart away and finally lock with the engram’s stare.

“Thinking.”

“Well, cut it out. You’re makin’ me nervous.”

Vikt scoffs. “What? What happened to just taking what’s yours, J? Wiping me out so you can live happily fucking after?”

#depression //#ideation //#.asks #khar writes #yeah this shit is rough.#i love him i promise.#this scene is just... UGGGGGHJSHFG

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cool-ghoul · 10 months

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Anyway yeah, it’s disability pride month, so if you guys were curious, I figure it’s pertinent to share. So I’ll be visible this month. I got a pretty gnarly one, so I snipped it.

What I got going on with me is CIDP: It’s a one-in-a-million autoimmune nerve disorder where the immune system attacks the nerves. It works a little like polio.

I’ve had it since I was 17. It’s not a death sentence, but it regularly relapses or flares, causing more damage. I take a medication every three weeks that costs $10,000 a dose. I have insurance for it, for now. I’m lucky that it keeps my relapses down but the disease’s complications can still kill me if I get unlucky.

See, the first attack paralyzed bits of me inside and out. My muscles are weak, I twitch, and things like blood pressure, swallowing and digestion don’t work. The nerve damage itself is excruciatingly painful.

I get hospitalized once a year minimum when something fails. I’m covered in surgical scars, and I’ve got another major one coming up this year. It’s not one that leaves you entirely the same, either. So, uh, positive vibes, guys.

Otherwise, it’s invisible, so I can blend and usually do. There’s not much inspiring or defiant to say about it outside of my now-phenomenal pain tolerance. I dread making people uncomfortable with it, and I’m terrified of seeming too difficult, sad, or complicated to be around, so I mask or downplay it pretty thoroughly.

I try to fight it, and I lose. I can’t rely on my body, I can’t work too hard, I get sick if I’m around people too much, and I will need progressively worse surgeries for the rest of my life. I’m not dying unless some complication gets me, but I’m not gonna “recover”.

Faced with a shorter, progressively harder life, I panicked and tried to put a game project together, but I couldn’t hack it, so that’s where Graven Moon’s at. I’ll figure something out. One day. I want to have something I made. Just in case.

Anyway, the creeping medicalization of my life is a point of horror for me, and I fear being abandoned like a sickly gazelle at all times. And like, this situation’s ghastly enough I feel like sharing my pain’s just spreading negativity.

It’s broken me as a person, I’m more nervous, fatigued, and lonely now. It sucks.

All of this stumps therapists, who so far have given me advice on active listening, and being thankful three times a day. So like, I’m at wit’s end. It is a wretched way to live, and I feel very, very hopeless.

So here I am, sharing and mortified. So if you guys have something to give me hope, I’ll fucking take it.

#downer #feels like I'm wallowing in misery here but fuck if I'm not posting it

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wardingprotector · 1 year

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xii: the hanged man.

a drabble in two parts: upright & reversed. word count: 697

PART I. upright, signifying an acceptance of sacrifice and to take a breath and wait.

you are up at an ungodly hour, though you have come to realize both gods and hours have little hold in this dark land. watches are shared duties between the lot of you, and even within the tower, you keep quiet vigil over those you come to regard as dear friends. you think narius would like them. you think he would be proud of what you have chosen to do here, for these people, for this land.

you think back to this land. the physical land. struggling trees and plants, crops under nourished by the land that holds them. it pains you, because it would pain your Mother. but more than the land itself are those that inhabit it. the sadness, the grief, the suffering and oppession and loss that permeate ever corner of this land. the fear and hopelessness that grips those living in this land tightly within it’s clutches.

you know that you will not leave this land. you cannot. you will not abandon these people, even if it means your own life. still, your hand throbs, though the wound as a reminder of your promise has long-since scarred over.

you look over the sleeping faces of those you care for. four bodies bundled in blankets and cots, restful as one can be. you lean your head back, staring at the ceiling. for not the first time, you feel that you and your companions are woefully unprepared for this. you fear for them. for what may become of them.

you wish for nothing more than to hear reassurance that they will make it out alive. You look at the shield against the wall, the wreath and crook etched so tenderly into it. A reminder of what you do, what path you chose for yourself. You steel yourself. You will protect them. All of them. this land, these people here, and, a glance over each of those resting peacefully, you add to yourself: your family.

PART II. reversed, signifying resistance or indecision or being unsure of one’s path.

you feel a tightness in your chest as the woman speaks over the meal. She mentions it so casually and easily. As if she had not just laid the literal fate of a demiplane on your shoulders with such certainty you want to be sick. It was one thing to set your own choices in such a determined direction, but the sudden realization that people saw you as some sort of prophesied force in this nearly makes you choke on your food.

jaw clenches a bit, and you take a small sip of water to soothe the nerves. you change the subject a bit, try to redirect. the topic comes back up and you excuse yourself. outside, the ground is cold and familiar as you sit, hands touching the earth, needing a connection to something so solid of a reminder of home as your Mother.

you take a few breaths to steady yourself. she must be confused. or attempting some form of sabotage on behalf of strahd. you want nothing more than to put those reasonings to her statement, to calm your mind with the platitudes of false intent. yet, even after you speak with vane, the words of lady wachter hang like lead in your stomach.

how could you be foretold. you are hardly strong enough to do much of anything – you barely feel strong enough to protect those closest to you, no matter how much you desperately want to. That night does not ease those feelings, only growing stronger as you gaze across the valley that once was.

my lord. feels like an acid burn and you recoil from it and from the man offering you a chance. It feels too careful to be a coincidence, and you rebuff him. the words he says don’t leave you, however. you shove the idea of such prophecy away. you do not want to be a savior, you only want to help.

still, you awaken with a new determination to fight for the land, and those that live within it.

#* drabble.#* psyche.

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stardust-in-my-mind-blog · 2 years

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Right now everything feels like it’s falling apart.

Anyone else?

I mean, to be fair, it’s felt like that for a few years now. A plague will do that. Especially without a system of universal healthcare.

I’m watching my relationship die in real time.

I’m learning what I refuse to accept, and what wounds can’t heal without cauterization.

I’m learning how not to panic, and how to pay attention to things that actually engage with me. Relentlessly.

Especially when all I’d like to do is crawl under a blanket and weep for a week.

With three kids under ten, that’s not an option.

I’ve also had to learn how to accept comfort from my ever-attentive kids when I randomly fall apart. I can accept comfort during a bout of crying without making it their responsibility (and I make sure to verbalize this even with a face full of tears and snot).

When someone treats me with love I want to hide.

Thanks for that stellar mind wiring, dear estranged relations.

When your marriage is sinking and the boat can’t be saved, you feel alone.

And not in the way where the ever popular words “you are not alone” are a comfort.

This is a grief, and like a war, you can’t be done with it in a hurry.

My oldest came down with something this week, headaches and a high fever that kept him in bed. I’d never seen him so listless, and this child I have to constantly ask not to climb every wall he sees, is suddenly a nine-year-old whose skin seems translucent and whose rain-colored eyes are an exhausted sky. Worry was a knot in my belly, even with the reassurance of two doctors that rest and good food would have him back in a week or so.

Then something happened.

I tend to forget myself and live only in my head and not my body. The stress of everything manifested itself and localized in an old pinched nerve in my back. It become difficult to walk, and I felt energy coursing down my legs in an ache that reminded me of the last weeks of being heavily pregnant.

I had to rest. My body forced me to rest. I am honoring my body now, and I think the flesh finally believes me. I used to ignore it, always on survival and fawning mode for others. Now, my body lets me know when I’m overdoing it and will make me stop.

So, my son and I cuddled while I tried to puzzle out this feeling of being unable to walk. Suddenly, he became very upset, and I watched the thoughts on his mind begin to spiral and throw him into a state of panic.

“Mommy, what if you’re really sick? In all the movies, the mom gets a hurt back or weak, and then later on she dies. Mommy, you can’t die.”

And then he began sobbing, clutching to me, and trusting me with this deep fear that we all have in the pits of our stomachs when we love someone so fucking much the world would truly end without them.

I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t process it.

Someone was crying just at the thought of me not being in their lives.

He felt the same about me that I did him.

I guess I never believed it before.

How sad for both of us.

It’s so easy to lose track of how important you are to others. Though I knew my husband loved me, the storm I was feeling at his desire to leave had me feeling pretty disposable. I frequently felt if I just closed my eyes and disappeared that the world would stumble a bit for everyone else, but they’d keep stepping quickly.

My feeling was wrong, and while I didn’t know I was feeling it, it was framing my entire experience into a resigned hopelessness that was difficult to tread.

I’m not alone.

I’m really truly not alone.

Maybe this is the first time I believe it in my life.

Maybe this is where I can start from.

Maybe this is the lesson I needed to learn from all of it.

Maybe you can know it too.

#self worth #self reflection #self healing #my beloved #trust #writers on tumblr #touch #therapy #trauma #the sandman #forgiveness #loveyourpain #loveyourself

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harpersheroes · 1 year

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xii: the hanged man.

a drabble in two parts about the symbology sacrifice & acceptance. word count: 697

PART I. upright, signifying an acceptance of sacrifice and to take a breath and wait.

PART II. reversed, signifying resistance or indecision or being unsure of one’s path.

still, you awaken with a new determination to fight for the land, and those that live within it.

#valar.#writings.#:3

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technowoah · 2 years

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Hello! This is my first time requesting something so I might be bad at it.But I think angst Promos 41,43,49 and 50 would be cool with a platonic big sister!reader with c!tommy!It’s ok if you don’t do this and do you have anons? If you do can I please be 🦢 anon?

And Hide From The Sun

You and Tommy get into a fight, then you two get into a bigger fight

- c!Tommy x sister/sibling!reader

- requested!

Prompts

41) "Im always the bad guy"

43) “Move out of my way before I make you.”

49) "I dont need your pity anymore."

50) "Fuck off... I mean it"

⚠︎: swearing, fighting, mentions of wounds, angssts not proofread as always

An// I feel like Ive done something like this before- but it was just my imagination. And thanks 🦢 anon 😘

The sky was dark because the smoke evolved the sky making the scene seem even more hopeless.

Technoblade was no where in sight, he just set out 3 withers into the world. Three was all you could see with the smoke rising from the craters in thr ground from Wilbur's grand exit and the blinding fireworks flashing around you.

Wilbur had just blown up L'Manburg, but you had no time to grive and feel sad, with a sword in your hand you had no choice but to but those feeling aside and tried to fight and save anyone you could.

You could see Quackity and Punz fighting off a wither nearly missing their own deaths, you saw Niki throwing potions around helping anyone who walked through them. Then you saw Tommy and Tubbo swinging their swords blindly at a wither trying to get it far enough away so they can collect themselves.

You decided to run towards the two throwing a harming potion at the wither while it shuttered and flew away a couple of feet.

"Run!" You screamed at the two.

You began to run the opposite way with Tubbo following closely behind. Tubbo began to run faster and further than you while you slowed down. You turned around to see Tommy staring back at you with this look in his eyes.

It looked like he was in pain, he looked like he was just betrayed. He then put a scowl on his face and gripped his sword tighter.

"I dont need your help." Tommy said sternly then turned around to fight the same wither who was still hurt.

You sighed as Tubbo called you over from behind a small hill. You ran over to him and brung out some healing potions to help each other.

As the healing potion worked on your bodies you felt horrible. You felt sick.

You peaked your head over the small hill to see Tommy still struggling to fight the wither. His face was covered with bruises and cuts.

You felt like it was your fault he was fighting this hard. Fighting hard for nothing.

Hours ago

You sat in pogtopia with all of your armor already around you. You sat on the stairs watching everyone rush around you to get supplies or talk to someone quickly.

Tension in the air was thick. No matter how cheerful people seemed to be, inside they were all nervous.

You saw that Tommy shut himself out as he stayed alone by a wall with his arms crossed. His demeanor didn't allow people to come and check up on him, not even Tubbo came over and comforted him or eased his nerves. But you went against your mind telling you to leave him alone and let him deal with it himself, you went over to console your brother. I mean that's what family is for right?

You hesitated before getting up from your spot and making your way over to the boy.

His face was upturned and he still was facing away from you when you stood next to him

He kept silent as you stayed there making the atmosphere uncomfortable. Your throat wanted to speak but you wouldn't let a sound out. He knew you were there he just didnt want to acknowledge your presence.

"Tommy."

"What?" He snapped.

"Are you good-?"

"What does it look like?"

"No need to be pissy about it everyone is on edge." You rolled your eyes at the teen.

"Not me. Im fine I got this." He rushed out.

He was stressed and you knew it. You could tell by his posture he was tensed and he was clenching his teeth. He wanted to seem like he had it all together. You didn't want to fight, you hated fighting. This could all be avoided and you had told Wilbur that countless of times. He ignored you multiple times and kept going with the battle plans.

You had feared for both your and Tommy's safety. He was the only family you had and to lose him would be to lose a part of you too.

"I just fear-"

"I know you fear for my saftey! We've been over this." Tommy interrupted you.

"Well I have every right to be in these circumstances!" You argued back.

"You cant just butt in whenever you feel like it!" Tommy turned towards you. "I have my own life too! I want this! This is my home!"

"Tommy there is so much more land out there to conquer!"

"Yeah I know! You've been buggin' Wilbur about it all week! You've annoyed us all Y/N!" Tommy started to flail his hands around.

You took in a deep breath trying to maintain your composure and not lash out at your brother, but he kept going.

"Honestly I dont even know why you're here?! Im always the bad guy! Doing the outlandish things! But you're trying to take down this operation while its still going! Are you trying to get us killed?!"

"Are you trying to get yourself killed?!"

"If its for my country..I'll make it out alive." Tommy looked serious.

"Tommy cant you understand?!" You yelled.

"I fucking fully understand!"

"Im trying to keep my only family safe!"

"Well I dont need you to baby me anymore!" He yelled getting closer to you.

"You hear me?!" He yelled again, but at this point you were mentally checked out.

"I dont need your pity anymore!"

He stomped away from you towards Wilbur and Technoblade. You had watched their faces turn into a somber one as Tommy shoved their way past them.

"Tommy hey! Whats wrong-" Wilbur had stopped him and stood infront of him to make him stop in his tracks

"Move out of my way before I make you." He narrowed his eyes at Wilbur and walked around him.

"Thats no way to talk me like that!"

Wilbur was hot on Tommy's heels trying to tell him off but it all became distant noise.

Your eyes threatened to spill tears and roll down your cheeks. As you watched your brother walk away from you, hopefully not for the last time.

Present Time

"What are we gonna do?!" Tubbo shouted next to you while a explosion went off near you two.

Tubbo had just drank some healing potions you had given him and it was slowly starting to work. You had frantically whipped your head between Tubbo healing slowly and Tommy struggling to fight a Wither. All that happend before in Pogtopia was gone and forgotton and you needed to help your brother and leave the safe space you had made.

Bringing out your sword you had told Tubbo that you were going to help Tommy.

"I want to help!"

"No please stay until you are fully healed, we cant risk anything!"

He nodded at your words before you got up and took off towards Tommy.

He was close near a cliff and the wither was backing him near the edge of it. You had reached behind the wither and struck the back of it taking some of the bone off. It turned towards you and you freeze up for a little bit before tightening your grip on your sword and swinging again at the Wither.

"What the fuck are you doing?!" Tommy yelled while fighting the back of the wither.

"Im trying to fucking help!" You yelled back as the wither slowly rose to the sky.

"I dont need help!" He yelled at you.

"Well it looked like you did a couple of minutes ago when you almost fell off that cliff!"

You two fought like the wither was completely gone. It just hovered in the air above you both while you two got closer with each curse that came out of your mouth.

"I cant believe you right now just trying to play hero!"

"Im not trying to do that! If Im doing that what are you?!"

He stayed quiet giving you a menacing glare. The ground below you shook vigorously, but none of you paid attention to it. Your bodied shook forcefully as well your head felt like it was banging against your skull and your eyes couldn't focus of Tommy's little staring contest.

"Fuck off..I mean it."

That was the last thing you heard before the ground collapsed underneath you sending you and Tommy both mid air, free falling into a crater. You both let out ear shrieking screams, your body hit some sort of ground knocking the wind out of you for a second.

You look around you. You were inside of the crater while rocks and boulders fell around you still creating a rumbling around you.

"Y/N!"

Tommy screamed your name. He was to the right of you. You whipped your head to see Tommy standing on the edge of a small cliff like you were on, but the cliff was not stable. It was crumbling underneath his weight. The cliff was not that far from you, so you crawled to him and reached your hand out to him. He had sword in one hand and his other was free.

"Im scared!"

"Tommy just reach out and grab my hand!"

"I cant move!" He stumbled a bit when falling rocks above nearly crushed him.

"Please try!" You pleaded.

"What if I die?!"

Tommy had tears in his eyes and so did you. You stared at eachother for a second before snapping out of it before stretching out your hand further.

"I can- ahhh!"

The cliff that Tommy was stood on broke completely underneath him leaving him stuck in the air but before he completely fell you had grabbed his free hand. He was dangling the air while you struggled to pull him up onto your rock that was somehow still standing. Your heart was beating out of your chest while you tried with all of your strength to keep Tommy up.

Your arm was giving up and he was slowly slipping from your grasp.

"Tommy please let go of your sword!"

"What no!"

"Tommy!"

"No this is my pride and joy!"

"Tommy! Drop. It!"

You saw the conflicting glance in his eyes for a second before he let the sword drop from his palm and and kiss his finger tips one last time before falling into the abyss like a fallen star.

He gripped your other hand with more strength than the other one and you both managed to haul yourselves safely up onto the cliff. You both were out of breath from the adrenaline running though both of your viens. You managed you embrace him in a huge bear hug holding him as close as possible. Hoping that this wont be the last time you embrace your brother.

He hid in your shoulder finally throwing away his pride and ego and letting himself be helped, be saved. He looked up to the top of the crater while still in your embrace. Your tears fell onto his torn and burned clothes. He noticed that the sun was coming up and the fighting had stopped. Somehow they both had to get out from this crater. Together, they'll come out stronger than ever ready to work together again.

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difx-writes · 3 years

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Wildest Dreams - In the Death of the Night

Masterlist

After turning 10 and losing her soulmate, Marinette would imagine how Damian Wayne would be.

Would he be tall or short? Did he have blond hair or brown or did he dyed it? Would he be shy or have a bold personality? Perhaps he was an artistic soul, a poet, a writer? Or would he be a baker like her parents? Why did his last name change?

The wonders and questions took over her mind for days with no end.

On good days, she imagined how he would interact with her friends, how her parents would take him in as their own son, how he would fit into her life.

She liked to talk to him, pretending there, alive, with her. She asked his opinion on what to wear, how she should do her hair, what colors with go well with the design. He was her voice of reason. Talking to "Damian" brought a smile to her face, even when she knew she was deluding herself.

On bad days, she pretended he was right there with her, comforting her, encouraging her, whispering that everything would be alright... Sometimes it worked and she felt better the next days but most times she felt bitter, she felt robbed of a future where he was in her life.

The realization that the person she was supposed to share her soul with was no longer alive, that his death was painful, gruesome, and... lonely... It always ended with her taking a few days to prevent a breakdown...

When she turned 13, Hawkmoth appeared and Marinette became Ladybug, the hero of Paris.

Soon after, Marinette stopped talking with "Damian", she couldn't afford to wonder about him anymore. She couldn't afford the bliss of her own delusions. She couldn't afford to let herself grief and fall pray to Hawkmoth's manipulation.

As she couldn't fail Paris and its citizens, Damian Wayne mostly disappeared from her life.

But there were days when her “friends” demanded a lot from her, akumas were too violent and draining and everything was just too much, those the godawful days.

On godawful days she wished Damian was there to take her away to a place she could feel she belonged. Away from everything to a place she could call a home.

_______

Most nights Damian recalls a voice talking to him during the time he was dead.

His soulmate, he supposed, talked to him regularly, she started her day asking his opinion on her outfit for the day, when at home she would tell him how her day went, what she did with her friends, what she learned in class, etc...

At first, Damian was pretty much annoyed that he couldn't "rest in peace" with all the noise pollution but after a few weeks, he slowly started to tolerate her talking to him.

Unfortunately, he couldn't talk to her nor see her very clearly so it was a pleasant surprise when Marinette would ask his opinion to make a decision, she always picked what he chooses.

Perhaps it was their bond that allowed her to know what he was thinking without actually hearing each other's thoughts. Or maybe they were more in sync with one another. Most likely it was pure luck on her part. (Him being dead is enough proof of how bad his luck was.)

In the months he was dead, Damian learned a grand lot Marinette. He liked how she made him feel he wasn't alone, like how her voice calmed him when he remembered the family he left behind in his death. Marinette was his only lighthouse in the vast void of the afterlife

_______

Impotent, despair, and hopeless.

That's how Damian felt every time Marinette had to relive his death. He hated it so much. She didn't deserve that and it broke his heart every damn time.

Why did he have to die? Why did it have to be in such a painful way? Why did she have to feel it on repeat over and over and over again? Was it a twisted way the universe tried to make them reunited? If they can't find each other in life, then they can be together in death? That isn't right!

But it always hurts more when she wakes up and talks to him. Wondering if he was happy and in peace, in wherever place he ended up.

He was there but she didn't know.

He felt sick.

After being revived, Damian felt an immense sense of loss. Sure, he was kinda happy to reunite with his family and grateful for being alive again, but he missed her.

It was difficult to readjust to being alive again, it was crystal clear that Damian Wayne wasn't okay. What hurts him the most was how her name turned into a scar on his wrist.

During the day paranoia settled in making him always on high alert, lashing out when it got too much for him.

In the night, he couldn't sleep properly as a feeling of unease latched onto his every nerve and when he did sleep, nightmares plagued him.

Damian tried to calm down in various ways, but ultimately it was Marinette's voice that soothed him and lulled him to sleep.

It quickly became a habit to replay their one-sided conversations as he tries to fall asleep.

He went over what Marinette Dupain-Cheng spoke to him time and time again as to engrave her voice in his mind. Unfortunately, her voice was fading away, every time he recalled it, he hear his own voice.

At least some memories remained, which was relieving for Damian, even when important ones like what language she spoke or the name of her school were completely wiped out.

He never told his family his experience while he was dead, he guesses Jason was the most likely to know about it but he never brought it up to anyone, so Damian did the same.

Now he was lying in bed, remembering about the time Marinette tried embroidery for the first time.

She started by searching up what she wanted it to be and after much talking, she chose a Robin, Damian smile at the eagerness he felt for her to chose it. It was a fun day, with her making comments here and there about the work, he wishes he could see it.

A knock woke him up of his thoughts, Alfred emerging from the door.

"Master Damian, I'm here to inform you a guest will be joining us for tomorrow's dinner."

"Whose guest?" He didn't really feel like dealing with new people.

"It's Master Jason's guest."

Damian groans, perhaps he could go visit Kent.

"It would be in your best interest to participate, Master Damian." Alfred gave him a look.

He sighed, definitely can't miss tomorrow or he'll have to face Pennyworth.

So, I've written another chapter while listening to a sad song on repeat :') I know it doesn’t really connect to the last chapter but I wasn’t feeling okay and didn’t know how to continue from where I left off.

I hope y’all enjoyed this and have a nice day!

P.S.: The taglist is temporarily closed as some tags aren't working. Again, I'm very sorry if I missed anyone. If you no longer want to be tagged please hit me up.

Taglist:

@thestressmademedoit @moonlightstar64 @dast218 @moonystars14 @buticaaba @urbanpineapplefarmer @thedragonbug @little-lady-bird @an-actual-changeling @ladybug-182 @ash-amg @g-arya @nnon-it-up @hateswifi @maribat-is-lifeblood @kikooaaaaaa @jessigurl-design @vixen-uchiha @acoursedprophetwithasmothie @snow-leopard-777 @theatreandcomicfreak @zalladane @fusser90 @finallyaniguana @danielslilangel @dreamykitty25 @corabeth11 @ellymae21 @books-and-left-behind-journals @hetalia-lover-is-here @dorkus-minimus @magic-miraculous @waywardpeachgardenshark @darkthunder1589 @jaggedheart11 @daminettes @todaylillypads @schrodingers25 @pheonixashtree @mikantsume @eliza-bich @miraculous-simmer7 @goblinwhoships @fidget-eep @rosalineandrosemary @lunarwolfspn @more-or-less-human-i-guess @aestheticnpoetic @amayakans @abrx2002 @karategirl119 @agentofscifi @flower-and-drawing @itsmeevie01 @suddenly-i-kin-oikawa @ii-fox-demon @thatonecroc @dawnwave16 @bigpicklebananatree @violentbisexualprophecywriter @scribblinggraveyard @heaven428 @toodaloo-kangaroo @ravennightingaleandavatempus @chylou34 @silvergold-swirl @magictragic-world @snowstar1016 @heldtogetherbysafetypins @awkwardoneout @novicevoice @thenillabean @bookishdork13 @laurcad123 @thezestywalru @k-poplunardreams @coloursforyourportrait @fandomsaremylifeline @goddessofthewestwind @captainmac6 @chocolatecatstheron @princessanimeangel11 @throneoffirebreathingbitchqueen @ur-beautiful-when-u-smile @batlover1303 @softlysobbingpostendgame @justconfusedperiod @clumsy-owl-4178 @bluesimani @iwritelikeimrunningoutoftime @kokotaru @totalyasexual @professionalfangirl1738 @nitholites @zestyzealot @pawsitivelymiraculous @autiegirlshit @raz-b-rose @thanks-captain-obvious @emilytopaz @nightstarblue @2confused-2doanything @niknak-3 @blackroserelina @fortunatelyoptimisticdeer @ira-sairain @pepelachanel @naimena @iloveitwhen @disneyfoxuniverse @ur-average-reader @lylshyt @jerusalemandolives @anonymously-odd @southamericanghotamite @a-star-with-a-human-name @we-want-mini-mini @literallytryingmybestbutok @alenee13 @animegirlweeb @our-preciousss @prudencerika @byronsacademics @ivymala07 @shamefullove @susiej1118 @technicallyburninggarden @sentimentalcrap @ertyzeta @tomanyfandomsonmymind @starmist19 @synnesstra @nokia75 @swiftie-miraculer13 @solideogloria172 @a-door-into-my-mind @road-work-ahead123 @madking-warqueen @caseoftheblues @buginetye @ihavehomeworkbutistillhere @i-wanna-go-to-outerspace @insane-fangirl-of-everything @ultimatetornshipper @chaoticstarworld @adrestar @wolf-for-life @blacktea-ba @pinkk-sheep @autiegirlshit @chocolateherringtacofan @blackroserelina @samopotahto @blur-of-colours @stainedglassm @redbullgivescaswings @khneltea @amigotasbien @sdg-demachera @alyssadeliv @greatcatblaze @raesofmoonlight @galla02006 @sunflowers-and-mooncakes @novaloptr @qualitypeacepainter @solangelo252 @unnamed2357 @thespianlesb @mildlydeadly @yuriyuhitsu @hewantedbeefintheparkinglot @literaryhiraeth @luna025 @henie04 @trashesa @castle-bookworms-world

#daminette #maridami #damian x marinette #marinette x damian #marinette dupain cheng #damian wayne #maribat #ml x dc #soulmate au #angst #in the death of the night

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hockeyforthefirsttime · 3 years

Text

Wedding Blues- Mathew Barzal

AN: This has been sitting in my drafts for forever idek what it is

word count: roughly 1500

TW: none that i can think of

I never liked getting dressed up as a kid, and I can’t say it has gotten any better with the years. However I can manage a few hours in a dress, but only because it’s my cousin’s wedding. I even put on the high heels, which I rarely do. Ever. Having been on skates helps with the balance though.

Now, as I’m standing in front of the church I regret the heels. They are far too cold and unbalanced to be walking around in snow. As the bells begin to toll, signaling that it’s time to enter the church, I breathe out a sigh of relief, watching the fog that forms from my breath dissipate into the frigid air. It is a nice day though. The snow has been falling for three days this week, light and fluffy. Currently though, the sky is clear and the sun is shining.

I take one last look behind me as I lift my skirt to ascend the stairs, just in time to see a car roll up to the parking lot. It looks a little too familiar, but I can’t see the license plate. So I shrug it off and walk through the double doors.

The bells stop tolling, and everyone, family and friends of the pair start to settle in on our respective sides. Just as we near five minutes to four, someone opens the door and the entire church turns to look out of curiosity, myself included. My heart stops a little, seeing Mat standing there in a suit. Of course he would be here, it’s his captain marrying my cousin anyway.

If it wasn’t enough with him being here, he sucks the breath out of me the instant his hazel eyes connect with mine. He almost looks a little sad. Until he shakes his head a little, and takes a seat by the door, not wanting to cause more of a disturbance than he already has.

I turn away, feeling my sister bump my side, but I choose to ignore her. This isn’t a day for my dramatics. Three minutes pass till the bells toll, this time a little slower. The double doors open again and I watch as Emily’s and Ander’s friends and teammates start walking down the aisle as bridesmaids and groomsmen. We all stand up and I spot Anders shaking his hands lightly, to get some of the nerves out of them. I suppose I would too, if I would be the one getting married.

But as soon as Emily steps through the doorway, I swear, I swear, Anders relaxes at once. His shoulders lower and a soft smile graces his lips as he takes in my cousin. Who by the way has stunned the entire church with her presence. Emily, to put it simply, looks as beautiful as the day is.

The ceremony itself is simple but still filled with love. And it makes sense, I have had conversations about this with Emily, how easy their love feels. They, like any other couple have had their ups and downs and disagreements. But they have talked and communicated through it, making it until this day.

I can’t say the same for me and Mat. I mean, while it was difficult for me to realize that I was falling in love with him. It was a fight to stay with him. Both practically and emotionally. I’m so lost in my own thoughts that when I look up from my hands Anders and Emily are saying their “I do’s”.

They are descending the stairs and I can’t help the somber feeling in my chest. I can’t help the growing feeling of anxiety in my heart.

I carpool with my sister to the reception, and while I can tell that she’s happy to be celebrating love, like the hopeless romantic she is, I can tell that she knows I feel off.

“You ought to have known he was going to be here.”

She deadpans as she parks the car in the hotel parking lot.

“Was it stupid of me to hope he had gotten sick or something?”

I chuckle weakly as she looks at me. I can’t help but start to pick at my painted, light pink nails.

“I mean, arriving five minutes before the ceremony begins? What kind of drama is that.”

This time Christa chuckles and shakes her head.

“I’ll be here through the entire thing, but this is an opportunity to make amends with him.”

Is the last thing she says before exiting the car, leaving me alone with my thoughts again. I step out of the car and ignore Mat getting out, three cars over.

-----

The night is dragging out and time is nearing midnight. The sky is clear, filled with stars, I can tell from the floor to ceiling windows I have direct access from my spot.

“You know, he really misses you Clary.”

I turn, and look Anthony dead on. He’s dressed nicely in a suit, it’s not one of his game days suits, I can tell, cause like most of the guys on the team he has gone for a three piece. His dark hair is styled back, unlike the person he’s talking about.

“Then he can come tell me himself, and not send a messenger.”

I mumble, not really in the mood for this. Not in the mood for pleasantries and trips down memory lane.

“Okay.”

In a second he is up and away, headed in Mathews direction.

“Wait, hold on Anthony!”

I am just about to stand up and go after him, when I think of something better. People have already looked my way, so I bend down in my chair and pick up the heels I discarded an hour ago, and start walking towards the main exit.

I’m just about to turn down a hallway I don’t know, when I hear his steps close in on me.

“Clairy, please, just wait.”

His voice, just him saying my name, it makes me go soft all over. So I turn, feeling my dress drag across the floor.

“What Mathew.”

I sigh, not knowing quite where to look. His hair is not the same organized dark mess it was when he arrived late. Now it’s more of a messy mess, like he has been dragging his hand though it over and over.

“I do miss you, you know.”

Mat breathes out as he takes a step closer to me.

“Do I? Cause there was no sign of you missing me, anywhere.”

I take a step back, and he cringes a little at that.

“Yeah, I miss you, nothing is the same anymore.”

He looks pained, like it hurts to admit it. It can’t hurt as much as hearing it.

“You mean, your bed is cold?”

And maybe it’s a little harsh, but it is how I feel. At least at the end of the relationship.

“Clary…”

“No Mat, that’s what I felt like at the end of it all. I felt like I was just someone to keep your bed warm and dinner ready. The worst part about that is that you KNEW that’s not what I wanted for myself, I can’t believe I fell in love with you.”

I confess, and I can feel the regret creeping up my spine, I never told him I love him.

“You fell in love with me?”

The hope in his eyes is like a match in the dark.

“God, of course I did Mat, how could I not?”

He looks a bit confused as well.

“But you never said anything?”

“You know, I thought you knew, why else would I move across the country for you? I had nothing in New York, except you. If I didn’t love you, then why would I have spent so many nights alone, wondering when you’d come home? I thought you knew, because I wouldn’t have taken those chances for anyone else.”

Realisation seems to dawn on him, as his shoulders relax and his whole posture changes from worried to.. well at least less concerned.

“I’m so sorry, you were never just someone to keep my bed warm, I’m sorry I didn’t take the time to understand, ‘cause I saw how sad you were each time I left. But you were always so independent, I didn’t think you’d need me. I thought you’d get over it.”

I sigh, beginning to understand how awfully the two of us have miscommunicated.

“I never did get over it. Or you, for that matter.”

This time when he takes a step closer, I don’t step back. I let him reach out and take my hand. Intertwining our fingers together.

“Want to dance? And then we can figure stuff out tomorrow?”

He smiles at me, with those damn puppy eyes.

“Okay, but that’s a promise and I’m holding you to it.”

“You better, ‘cause I don’t plan on letting you go again.”

#mat barzal #mathew barzal #new york islanders #mat barzal imagine #mat barzal blurb #mat barzal prompt #new york islanders blurb #new york islanders imagine

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uswntxfootball · 3 years

Text

golden (ona batlle x nedwnt!reader)

your crush on the spanish defender was blatantly obvious, so what happens when jackie introduces you to her?

word count: 1934 ish

rated: S for soft bros, I for idiocy, and C for chaotic.

——

you don’t know when your crush on her started.

probably from one of jackie’s story posts.

you’re not entirely sure.

but here you are, double tapping a like on the spanish defender’s new post.

“i’ve never seen someone like something so fast.”

you whip around to see jackie with a teasing smile.

“shut up,” you blush.

“you should let me introduce you to her i-“

“no i’m okay thanks.”

jackie quirks an eyebrow before huffing:

“i don’t understand why you don’t let me introduce you to her. for all you know you could’ve had a girlfriend by now.”

you let out a snort at that.

“yeah right.”

“alright whatever put down your phone and stop staring at her post we’ve got to get to training anyways.”

you shoot a glare at the midfielder, who rolls her eyes upon seeing your response.

and with that, jackie starts walking out of the room.

she makes it halfway down the hall before turning again, only to see you still in the room, staring down at your phone.

“y/n!”

“all right all right i’m coming!”

“y/n.”

you stiffen on the ground.

the room remains silent.

“you know i can see you right?”

you still don’t speak, opting to shuffle slowly and quietly out of the room instead.

you see jackie mute herself and turn in your general direction.

“come say hi or something instead of sitting there in the dark like a weirdo.”

jackie lets out a sigh in defeat and turns back to her computer at your silence.

“guess i’ll talk to her on my own then.”

the midfielder was on a manchester united zoom call, and you, you totally weren’t sneaking in to catch a glimpse of ona… no definitely not.

you continued backing out slowly, but suddenly you hear a heavy spanish accent and your head snaps up…

promptly hitting the table above you.

“fuck!”

you slap your hand over your mouth half a second after your outburst.

jackie turns to you and has to stifle her laughter upon seeing you.

“you’re hopeless, you know that right?”

you let out a pained grunt from under the table, and jackie just shakes her head and laughs at you.

you hear jackie tell her call she’ll be right back and the chair is pulled out from in front of you.

when she ducks down to look at you, you’re rubbing your head and pouting, something that the midfielder finds very amusing.

“come say hi. i’ll introduce you.”

you shake your head vehemently, determined to not do what jackie suggested.

“y/n.”

“yeah?”

“you’re the most stubborn person i’ve ever met.”

“is that a compliment?”

“not really no.”

“well i’m pretending it is one.”

“well it’s really not.”

“shh go back to your meeting and let me pretend in peace.”

“JACKIE!”

jackie jumps and almost drops her toothbrush in fear.

the panicked look on your face disappears temporarily as you laugh at her response, your action causing her to glare at you through the mirror.

“what do you want?”

the panicked look quickly returns.

“why didn’t you tell me about our next game?”

jackie furrows her eyebrows:

“what do you mean? why would i tell you? its not like you’re not at all our team meetings.”

“you know i don’t pay attention to what sarina’s saying ninety percent of the time!”

jackie shuts off the sink and spins around, flinging water in your face before saying:

“and how is that my problem?”

you grab her arm and jackie almost laughs at the expression on your face.

she finally asks:

“what’s wrong with this upcoming game?”

you groan and say:

“it’s against spain that’s what!”

jackie now does laugh, finding your panic funny and reveling in your frankly very sad pining.

“well now you’ll be able to see her in person rather than through a screen for once.”

“THAT”S THE PROBLEM.”

you groan again, and jackie only laughs, pulling you into a hug before saying:

“now can i introduce you to her?”

you pout.

“no”

“you’re so annoying. why won’t you just let me introduce you to her?”

what you say next just makes jackie laugh out loud.

“cuz i’ll be a gay mess.”

she snorts.

“are you always this pathetic?”

you roll your eyes and shoot a glare at her.

“are you always this annoying?”

jackie scowls.

“watch your mouth. or i’ll talk to ona next game.”

well that sure shut you up.

your heart was beating frantically, to the point where you were surprised your teammates couldn’t hear it.

you were on the bus, on the way to your international friendly between the netherlands and spain.

and you.

you were losing your mind.

“y/n!”

you look up when jill calls your name.

“you okay buddy? you look a little sick.”

jill’s concerned tone earned a snicker from jackie beside you, who you promptly kicked in the shin before turning back and smiling at jill, saying:

“yeah just nerves i guess.”

jill’s brows furrowed a little.

“it’s just a friendly dude, you’ll be fine. you’ll nail it.”

jackie adds quietly so only you can hear:

“that’s not the only thing she’ll be nail-ow!”

you elbow her in the ribs before giving jill an apologetic smile, your face sporting a bright red blush.

“thanks jill, appreciate it.”

jill nods slowly and apprehensively before turning back towards viv, the two forwards engaged in conversation once again.

you turn to jackie, who’s doubled over, pouting at you.

you roll your eyes.

“oh stop it you big baby.”

jackie scowls, then grins mischievously.

“i guess i’ll just talk to ona after the match today then…”

your eyes widened in panic.

“no no no i take it back i take it ba-“

“nope i’ve made up my mind.”

“please jackie let me- no- don’t i-“

jackie just sticks her tongue out at you and turns towards the window.

you tried so hard.

so so so hard not to make a fool of yourself on the pitch.

you ended up resorting to not even glancing in the full back’s direction in hopes that that would help.

it didn’t really.

it also didn’t help that the pitch was muddy and therefore slippery.

one can put two and two together.

there was one super embarrassing moment in the first half in which you had the ball and began making your way through the spanish midfield when you saw the number 2 making her way towards you.

you were so nervous in being close to her that she barely touched you and somehow you ended up on the ground.

the ball was put out of play a few seconds after, and the spanish defender stuck her hand out at you to help you up, whispering an “i’m sorry i didn’t mean to push you” which left a bright blush on your cheeks as you managed to get out:

“don’t worry i just slipped.”

but by the end of the game you were getting into your groove, and finally managed to function like a normal and coordinate person around her.

the game ended with a 3-1 win for the netherlands, 2 goals courtesy of viv and 1 from daan.

but all in all, you weren’t all too focused on the game.

you ran to jackie when the whistle blew.

the two of you talked a little bit about the game and slowly the people on the field fell into groups, club teammates saying hi to each other, and old friends finding a topic to talk about again.

you were walking backwards, as you were talking with jackie about the game, something that you did after every game.

you always trusted jackie to tell you if you were going to run into someone.

you should have remembered about that bus conversation.

you saw jackie look past you for a second and before you could turn to see what was ahead you body collided into someone else’s.

one look at jackie’s face and you knew who it was.

luckily for you, or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, ona’s reactions were quick and promptly held onto your waist to stabilize you before you fell to the ground.

you face was flushed scarlet at the feeling.

jackie approached the two of you.

“ah perfect, y/n, ona, ona, y/n, the two of you talk, i’ve gotta go do something, bye!”

one of these days you were going to kill jackie.

the heavy spanish accent broke you out of your thoughts.

“hey i’m ona.”

you blushed at the proximity.

if you had thought that the spanish defender was pretty in photos, well jeez.

here up close you could see every freckle on her face, her eyelashes, and in all honesty it was too much for you.

you felt like you were going to pass out.

she still hadn’t let go of your waist and the two of you were inches apart from each other.

she seemed to realize this too and quickly let go.

“um i’m y/n..” you mumble, cursing yourself for your ineptitude to talk to people.

well maybe just really really really fucking pretty people.

one of ona’s brows quirked up as if she was thinking about something, and then she said:

“your voice sounds familiar.. you sound like- are you the one who cursed on that one united call?”

you looked down at the grass and blushed harder.

“yeah that would be me.”

ona let out a laugh that made your heart stop in your chest.

“well since jackie’s so keen for us to talk, why don’t we get a coffee sometime and do just that?”

your heart felt like it had disappeared at this point.

“you want to get coffee with me?!”

you cringed internally at how loud and enthusiastic your reply was.

the corners of ona’s mouth tugged up a little and she said:

“well of course, i don’t waste my time when i see something beautiful.”

so your heart was gone. long long long gone.

“y-i-um” you stuttered all over the place, unable to form a coherent sentence.

ona broke out into a full grin (which of course, just made you even weaker at the knees), and said:

“jackie was right, you are cute.”

you really were going to kill jackie one day.

you didn’t realize how quiet you had been until ona speaks up again.

“so about getting coffee…”

she looks up at you expectantly, and you open your mouth before closing it quickly, instead nodding ferociously, something that made ona laugh.

the two of you turn when ona’s name is called from across the field, to see mapi standing with an amused smirk on her face, yelling something in spanish you didn’t understand.

ona turns to you again.

“well i’ve got to go. i’ll text you about coffee?”

you nod and give her a timid wave.

“and it’s a date!”

you blush a little and nod again, not trusting your mouth to speak normally.

she’s halfway across the field when you shout after her:

“wait you don’t have my number!”

ona turns and gives you a one word response:

“jackie!”

you roll your eyes and give her another wave before you turn towards your locker room, where you see jackie standing and watching you.

she mouths an “you’re welcome” in your direction.

you just shake your head.

#ona batlle #ona batlle imagine #ona batlle x reader #espwnt x reader #espwnt imagine #uswnt imagine #uswnt x reader #muwfc x reader #muwfc imagine #woso imagines #woso imagine

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thousandfourhundreddays · 2 years

Note

Number 20 with mase please 🥺

Love your work! 😘

Almost yours

A/n hey Anon!!! Thank you for your request, I LOVED writing this, so I really hope you enjoy!! Also if anyone wants a part two to this?? Then let me know❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥

Warning: cheating

Can you come over? we need to talk

Sending.

Delivered.

Read.

Typing.

On my way Xx

Unable to even think of a response, you threw your phone down to the side of you, trying to figure out how you were going to break the news to him, and in turn, probably break his heart.

Im outside xx

You were snapped out of your thoughts when you heard your phone go off. Letting out a heavy sigh, you stood from the sofa, making your way towards the door. The sight of Masons car in your driveway was a sight you’d seen countless times, but the butterflies that usually erupted in your stomach didn’t feel so strong this time, now all you felt was sick as you stepped out into the cold.

You could see him looking at you from the drivers seat, clearly trying to read you, unsure what was to come following your cryptic text.

Wordlessly, you sat in the passenger seat, something that once felt so familiar, made you feel so uneasy.

“Hi” he spoke gently, confusion laced within his voice.

“Hey” you replied, trying your best to smile at him.

“Y/n? Are you-”

“I can’t do this anymore” you blurted out, trying to keep your voice from wavering.

The silence that followed was painful, your teeth bit harshly into your bottom lip, eyes clamped tightly shut as you tried desperately not to cry; again.

“W-what?”

“I said I can’t-”

“I know what you said, y/n” he snapped, and if you didn’t know him so well, you’d think he was angry, but the sadness in his eyes broke your heart more than you thought possible.

But you were.

“Leave him then” he stated blankly,

“Mason” you warned “you know I can’t”

“Please” tears were now spilling down his own skin, those eyes that had completely captivated you pleading with you not to let him go.

“I love you”

“I do” you nodded, looking deep into those eyes that could hold your heart forever,

“love you” you confirmed “but I can’t do this Mase”

And with that, you left the car, walking back to your front door as you realized that he would only ever be almost yours.

#mason mount angst #mason mount fluff #mason mount x reader #mason mount smut #mason mount imagine #mason mount

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bigkpopstan · 3 years

Text

Dating Enha’s 02’ line!

poly relationship w/02 line, gn reader:D

warnings; a lil anxiety + anxious tics mentioned

requested; nope :D. first installment of my poly series babies; none of us are surprised.

• starting off with the fact that jay swears he’s strictly a big spoon but more often than not you catch him and sunghoon cuddling with jay as the small spoon

• sunghoon loves the “...or I’ll kiss you” threats bc this guy absolutely loves skinship but doesn’t always initiate

• you all regularly paint each other’s nails

• rock paper scissors to find out who picks the movie for movie nights

• jake wins most of the time but he feels really bad so he either picks one that he’s heard someone mention or makes everyone play again

• he really doesn’t do it on purpose sometimes it just happens</3

• jake specifically will rub his cheek against you guys when he wants his hair played with but is too embarrassed to ask

• sunghoon and jake specifically like feel so comforted and small sometimes, especially when they’re sad so what I’m getting is they both curl into a ball to cuddle in your/jay’s chests

• jay does it on occasion but no where near as much as the other two

• matching clothes

• even underwear, which y’all don’t always coordinate but then one of the guys goes “look what I’m wearing” showing off enough so everyone knows what’s going on then it’s the spider man meme if he’s not the only one wearing them

• morning routine consists of jake and sunghoon being clinger than usual, like yes they’re clingy but it the morning it’s amplified.

• sunghoon and jake just like draping themselves over you and jay specifically if you guys are brushing your teeth, jay isn’t much of a initiator of morning cuddles but he will rub backs and hold you guys if you want him to

• all three of them are sleepy mumblers, they all mumble when they’re tired and will talk to you or each other until they pass out

• it’s the sweetest thing to watch them mumble back and forth if they’re trying to sleep and you’re doing work or something

• you definitely record the sleepy mumbles bc it’s so funny, almost never makes sense the next time you play the audio to them and they just get all embarrassed

• jay will not let any disagreements, arguments or weird vibes last for long, he cannot handle it and he’s a very passionate person, he wants everything to be okay and resolved as quickly as possible

• which jake & sunghoon are very opposite of that, sometimes it doesn’t go well but everything does work out after some space

• heavy feeling jay’s love languages are acts or service and gift giving, whether he’s making food, randomly buying everyone things he knows you guys will like or just helping with random things he’ll do it without being asked

• jake’s main love language definitely seems like it’d be quality time, comfortable silence, if he wants he can just admire you guys bc let’s be honest...baby is probably the type to stare

• sunghoon’s love language seems to be among the realm of physical affection, holding hands, cuddling, at least crossing your ankles together, he likes to know you guys are there and it really comforts him

• jay becomes the caretaker when one of you is sick, leading from his acts of service and being very passionate traits

• sunghoon really enjoys holding your guys’ face when kissing, and absolutely loves slow sensual kisses

• jake never knows what to do with his hands, always nervous, his hands tend to be sweaty</3

• jay likes holding waists/hips bc he wants to make you guys feel safe with him, or coddles everyone’s head/face

• jay also really likes it when you guys rest your heads on his chest/shoulders, he likes to feel needed

• jake secretly is in love with when you guys fall asleep in his lap, or lower stomach or just rest your heads there, again can stare at you guys while playing with everyone’s hair

• jake’s anxious tics are very noticeable to you three, when jake gets anxious he’ll start adjusting his weight, won’t know what to do with his hands even more than usual, and he’ll look around quite frantically

• before you guys picked up on it he’d look at you all in a specific way but since getting to know his tells more, if you guys are noticing them you three won’t necessarily crowd him but will definitely be more observant of his behaviors to try and figure out what he needs you three to do

• a lot of reassuring touches for jake when he’s getting angsty/uncomfy or restless

• now when sunghoon gets anxious, you guys latch on to him, rubbing his arm/back, wrapping your arms around him, playing with the hairs on the back of his head, maybe going to a more secluded area of the room you guys are in

• if jake lays on one of you during movie night and you rub his back he will be OUT he will fall sleep so fucking quick

• jake and jay love pinching everyone’s cheeks, sunghoon only started bc it kind of got on his nerves but now it’s a cute couple thing you all do that makes everyone around you roll their eyes when they see it <3

• sunghoon top favorite form of skinship/pda is hand holding 😔

• one of sunghoon’s end goals is to at least teach everyone ice skating basics

• jake giggles into kisses, sunghoon smiles into them, jay tends to fiddle with shirt material

• they all absolutely go crazy if your hands are just buried into their hair as you kiss

• sunghoon likes rubbing his cheek against all of you

• jay likes feeding y’all

• jake might not be the type for pda or showing off but he wants everyone to know that you four are together

• kiss jake’s temple gently and he’ll go crazy pls

• another thing that drives jakey crazy is when a hand is rested on his abs/stomach, makes his head fuzzy. now just think about how he feels when all three of you are doing it and complementing him

• jake is the most like a hopeless romantic please give him movie like moments

• sunghoon loves being kissed. forehead, temple, nose, cheek, the corner of his lips. just kiss him:(

• the way jakey giggles when all three of you wrap yourselves around him at once is precious as fuck

• jay lowkey likes pda, like he’s so proud of having cuffed all three of you and wants to show off so bad but knows the boys are shy 🥺

#enhypen scenarios #enhypen reactions #enhypen fluff #been in my notes for almost 2 months #🤠

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liannelara-dracula · 3 years

Note

😭 ??

Awesome requests!

Okay, so please remember that in this situation this is towards their gf not their sacrificial bride, that would be a whole other story which I will make prompts about in the future.

This does not include the comfort they give after words

I really tried to target most of the boys past’s here and how the reader is kinda getting under their skin but she has point in doing so. Some are random tho.

Link to prompt---> HERE

Please join my diabolik lovers group chat! Link---> HERE

Read Laito Sakamaki Fanfic [Dark Theme]---> Here

Sakamaki

Shu:

It was because you encourage him to be active one to many times and he got mad. Which honestly doesn’t happen but you got his nerves for once and he was not happy.

“You honestly shouldn’t care, it’s not your life.” He said, resting on the couch.

“Shu, it’s a good thing. Maybe at least try.” You suggested.

He looked at you only to sigh, “I’d prefer if you’d stay out of my life.” His eyes a dark hue of ocean blue as he seemed to be upset.

“Shu, I was just trying to help.” You said looking at him a bit disappointed.

“I said to stay out of it! Not quit acting like it matters to you.” He glared.

“Fine, do what you want.” You’d say before wiping your tears away and leaving the room.

Reiji:

Reiji being Reiji, said something rude of course. Probably because you brought up his mother and that he just forgive or at least move because it would put less stress on him.

“Do you view me as foolish?”

“What? Reiji, no. I just think you should relax a bit.”

“You clearly have no business in the matter, do not tell me how I should and should not deal with things.”

“Reiji-“

“You want me to make amends with my dead mother when I revive her. How foolish, only proves you are senseless mortal. You may possess the gift of beauty but you are and forever will be mere distraction for me. Do not try to meddle with my emotions.”

You glared at him with a strong sense of anger. This was not only so insulting but he just implied you were a play thing. Realizing all of this, you had been hit by such pain, you had endured his insults before but this was the last straw. You couldn’t be passive aggressive this time.

Hurt flashed in your eyes as you shook your head, “You’re right, I’m just a pretty distraction for you but at least I’m not heartless.” You mumbled loud enough for him to hear as you pass by him.

Holding your tears in as best as you could you left to your room closing it behind you only to sob in your hands uncontrollably.

Laito:

You knew a little bit about his past but not completely but you just wanted to understand because he never everything about you.

“Can’t you just tell me?” You say titling your head looking somewhat sad.

“Its none of your business. Please just leave it alone.” He said, his back turned you as he messed with the few picture frames in your bedroom.

“Don’t you think it’s unfair that you don’t let me hide anything from you but you hide everything from me?”

“I don’t want to talk about my mother with you.”

“I’m not asking you too. I’m just saying-“

“Damn it, can’t you just drop this! I’m sick of your concern! It’s irrating.”

“I’m irrating?” You voice cracked as tears fell from your eyes.

“Y/ N.”

“I should go.” You say dryly before leaving.

Kanato:

You just wanted him to relax and to not throw as many tantrums. He had always been a little bit on the crazy side when something had hit him but you would have never have imagined him to get so worked up about what you said and did. So of course he raised his voice at you and told you were worthless and it didn’t help at all.

“You shouldn’t raise your voice Kanato, it’ll make you stressed.”

“Shut up! You stupid worthless mortal!” He’d say being really upset.

This of course was something you didn’t typically witness and it hurt to say the least. You suddenly felt your cheeks getting wet as you wiped them a few times before running off.

(Because Kanato is of course crazy and I have to portray him here as if he were less crazy since no one could actually did a crazy person. I mean that would just be dis-functional for the both of you.)

Ayato:

It was at school where he didn’t win a basketball match and he was just so mad. He always wanted to be the best and he hate that you saw that game where he didn’t win.

“Ayato, it’s just a game. You can win next time.” You say, putting a hand on his shoulder, trying to reassure him.

“No it’s not.” He said shaking his head, gritting his teeth.

“Hey, I’m still proud of you.”

“NO! I’m a failure!” His fist hitting the locker next to him shocking you in surprise.

“Ayato calm down.” You say, frowning before reaching out to him.

“No you don’t understand what its like to drown because your not good enough! You think you know what it means but you don’t have a damn clue.” He gritted his teeth, not realizing he had hurt your feelings.

“You always say that but you don’t know how much it hurts to see you like this.” You mumbled before brushing passed him. A tear rolling down your cheek as you say this.

Subaru:

It was the topic of his insecurities and him feeling like he wasn’t enough.

“You don’t want someone like me. I’m a horrible person.”

“No, no you are not.” You say, cupping his face with your heads.

“How could you want this! I am not what you want! I am a mistake, y/n!” He moved from your touch, yelling at you in frustration.

You looked down not knowing what to say. He kept acting like this and you weren’t sure how to reassure him anymore. Seeing him like this hurt you.

“If only you know how much it hurts to see you like this.” Your eyes glassy, a few tears flowing down your face as you felt so hopeless.

Kino:

“Kino, please.” You pleaded, feeling so distraught.

“I can’t.” He shook his head.

You grit your teeth before losing yourself. “Damn it Kino! For once in your life could you just put me first and not your revenge!”

“You don’t understand what it means!” He ranted, through his hands up.

You glared, tears falling down your face by this point. It felt like everything was spinning. You pointed a finger at him shouting, “I gave up everything for you!”

“Y/n-”

“I-if you l-love me, t-this is the least you c-could do.” You weep before turning to leave him.

Mukami

Ruki:

You two were both too stubborn to admit that you guys didn’t just like each other but in-fact were at the stage of loving. Even so you both had such rough pasts and things weren’t going so well because you both were digging into each other’s past. And let’s just say neither of you were ready.

“You know you can tell me anything.” He mumbled looking down with a frown.

“Ruki, you wouldn’t understand.” You shook your head.

“Why can’t you tell me?” He asked somewhat annoyed that you weren’t going to open.

“Because!” You through your arms up before continuing. “You want me to open up thinking that it’s easy but why don’t you try being the one to say it all first.”

“I’m a vampire, some of my stories are too much to share with you. You wouldn’t look at me the same.” He frowned.

“How could you say that? You don’t even know how I feel, yet you act like you do and push me away but then come in whenever you want.” Your voice wavering with a knot in your throughout.

“Y/n, I wanna help you.” He held your hand, preventing you from leaving.

You looked up at him a tear rolling down your cheek, “If you wanna help me then just let me go.”

Yuma:

“I don’t want you to protect me.” You shook your head ignoring his worry.

He looked into your eyes, touching your cheek. “I’m a vampire only because I owe a debt to someone. I can’t burden you as much as I love you.”

“Yuma. You could never burden me.” You say with glassy eyes.

“Y/n, please just go, it’s better for you.” He turned not looking at you, in fear he’d break if he looked at you any second.

You shook your head, placing a hand on his shoulder, “I don’t care if you’re a vampire, I love you.”

“Y/n. Go now.” He gritted his teeth not wanting to deal with your stubbornness.

Tears blurred your vision, a crack in your voice as you couldn’t do this anymore. “No--how can you-”

“GO!”He yelled.

You back away a tear falling down your cheek, your mouth agape as you couldn’t believe your world had come crashing down.

Kou:

You were being continuously bullied by his fangirls and you didn’t want to keep bothering him about it because he just seemed so busy. And everytime you did he told you it’s just something to ignore and that it’s quite normal. Here he was quite insensitive due to his past because he was used to being abused because of his beauty so he didn’t see the need to protect you. He thought you’d just forget about it.

“How is it so easy for you?” You asked, not understanding how he could do it.

“You just get over it, it’s not really that hard.” He mused, looking at the papers in front of him.

“Get over it? You act like it’s so easy.” Your voice sounding surprised as you looked at him with glassy eyes.

“Why are you getting so upset?” He asked, coming to your side now.

“You mean you haven’t seen the endless harassment at school?” You questioned somewhat upset for his ignorance. This was crushing you and he could care less.

“I have, but it just takes time. Moving on from is it is not so bad.” He shrugged.

“H-how can you say that? D-don’t you c-care at all?” Your shoulders shook as tears ran down your face.

“I do-”

“Y-you don’t know how much it h-hurts.” You stammered with tears still falling. Here he was shocked that such a confident beautiful girl could be so broken, and it was his fault.

Azusa:

He’d always been sweet and loving but he didn’t want to burden you.

“It’s better...if I leave...you won’t worry.” He smiled weakly feeling like he had put you through to much.

“No, Azusa don’t say that.” You shook your head.

“It’s okay...you should meet...other people.” He said frowning that you didn’t want to listen to him.

“No, you are enough for me. I-I love you.” You break down in tears as you feel like you’ve hurt him.

Tsukinami

Carla:

You two were having love issues. And opening up wasn’t Carla’s strong suit.

“Carla we can talk about this.” You frowned walking over to him.

“There’s nothing to talk about.” He ignored.

“Yes there is, because I love you and I don’t want you to be so closed like this.” You reassured him.

“Y/n, being a vampire, let alone a founder is a hard thing. You don’t need to be dragged into something like this. It’d only hurt you.” He tried to reason not wanting to burden you.

“I’ve been hurt so many times because our relationship is breaking Carla.” You justified.

“Y/N I can’t drag you into this!” Growing upset he slamed his hand on the counter.

“The only way you’d hurt me is if you didn’t tell me.” You shook your head reassuring him.

“Y/N ENOUGH!” He yelled.

“Fine.” You’re voice went quiet.

“Look it’s-” He tried to justify.

“All I ever did is love you, but I guess it’s not enough.” Your eyes glassy you turned to walk away wiping the tears that fell.

Shin:

His anger was the reason for all this. And it was a point less argument to be honest.

“Shin please, I barely know the guy.” You reassured him.

“How do I know you’re not lying?” He turned to look at you somewhat angry.

“Oh so you think I’m lying?” Your voice wavered.

“You’re gone a lot of the time!” He shouted enough to make anyone here behind the walls of the room. Your eyes brimmed with tears as you tried to hold them back, only failing to do so.

Shaking your head you replied, “I wouldn’t do that to you.”

“You say that, but it doesn’t seem that way. You’re just crying to make me stay.” He snarled.

“I do not want anyone but you, why can’t you see it?!” You glared wiping your tears.

“Because everyone betrays me damn it! And you will too!” He approach you pointing his finger at you, his blood boiling.

“I love you! You’re betraying me because you don’t trust me!” You screamed, your cheeks wet and stained with tears. Desperately you tired to wipe them away but it made no difference.

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izzabeean · 3 years

Text

Chapter 18 : Awakening

SUMMARY

There's a lot to unpack.

pairing : ushjima x f!reader / oikawa x f!reader / iwaizumi x f!reader

genre : angst + fluff

word count : 3,446

content : profanity

tags : alternate universe - college/university, post-break up, friends to lovers, pining, slow burn

a/n : a/n: I'm sorry this took too long, I've been needing a mental health break with how busy life has become. This chapter is a bit rushed just because I wanted to post it before next week since I've been MIA for so long.

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Slowly turning the key, your head starts to spin as you push the front door open to an empty apartment and a mixture of emotions surge through you. Relief that the repairs for your apartment are finally complete and you can move back to the comfort of your own home. Yet sadness swells in your chest at the realization you’ll be alone.

It’s weird. The natural response would be to get out of Oikawa’s apartment as soon as possible, sick of his antics and constant harassment. But for some incoherent reason, a part of you feels hesitant.

This heavy sensation in your chest drags you down as you walk into your apartment -- it seems so much more burdensome than when you left. Everything still feels fresh.

An agonizing pain mixed with confusion emanates off the walls flashing you back to the night Ushijima ending things. Your anxiety grows stronger as you picture his piercing hazel eyes glowering down at you after asking for you back. It's seemingly getting more and more difficult to make a decision as each moment passes and you're feeling inexplicably hopeless. It's a terrible idea to get back together with him -- just remembering that night makes you sick. We need to talk still haunts you accompanied with his unbothered, stoic expression... Your heart starts to race trying to make sense of what you’re feeling.

Why is everything suddenly so difficult?

You clench your fists so tightly your knuckles turn white. Why does he even want you back? This isn’t something that he should take so lightly, he hurt you. Though you strongly feel anger festering within, a voice keeps whispering in your ear to take him back. You can’t tell if it’s what you truly want or it’s just the fear of disappointing your parents even more.

“How’s it looking?”

Your manic thoughts are pushed away with Oikawa as he walks further into the apartment to take a look around.

The flood -- you’d forgotten about that morning until this moment. Your heart starts beating faster as the memory rushes to the forefront, not just from the panic and frustration of waking up to a submerged apartment, but to the moment of the warmth under the covers with Oikawa’s firm body pressed up behind you. Had Oikawa been holding back the entire night you spent together? Of course, you didn’t know how long he’s had feelings for you, so surely if he did at the time, it must have been absolutely tempting to make a move on you. But why didn’t he? Truthfully, if the situation was switched then you would’ve taken the opportunity to…

“Not bad,” you answer, trying to force an honest smile, but Oikawa sees right through you.

“Why do you do that?” Oikawa says, his voice is tight on the cusp of irritation.

“Do what?” you respond quickly, hoping that he will just let this one go. But he doesn’t.

“Force yourself to smile like that,” he grunts. “You’re not good at hiding when you’re upset.”

“I’m not--”

“Bullshit,” he retorts with a harsh tone.

You bite your tongue, even more conflicted on what to say.

Oikawa sees that as he analyzes you, he knows it’s not easy for you to talk to him about stuff. “Is something on your mind?” he asks softly, drawing his frustration back.

It’s hard to process, you’ve felt this heavy feeling for so long, you thought it was normal. The only time you’ve felt any reassurance is in Oikawa’s presence, yet for some reason, today the aching is much more prominent. Everything feels so nerve wracking. You know he likes you and yet, it makes your heart throb.

“My parents,” you start with your voice a little shaky. “They think they know what’s best for me...”

“For the internship?”

“Yeah,” you reply quietly, eyes fixed on the ground. They also think they know it’s best for you to be with Ushijima, but you couldn’t tell Oikawa that. “Everything’s all set up and it could make me successful but…”

You turn away from him so your face is out of his view. The silence stretches between you for a moment. You feel oddly vulnerable, like the slightest touch will shatter you into pieces. If only it was easier to explain the constant pressure you receive from them, you might've tried to laugh about it upon telling him, just to make things a bit lighter. But, it wasn’t something you were ready to dig into.

“Then what do you want?” Oikawa asks, breaking the quietness.

The age old question that’s been going through your head this entire time. Truthfully, some answers seem so vivid now. You don’t want that internship… It’s not something that will excite you in any form. You want to work to achieve something and this feels like it’s just being handed to you because of your parents. There’s no drive for it.

But as for Ushijima, well...

“I don’t know,” you utter, shaking your head. “I don’t know if I ever will.”

“You’ll figure it out, I know you will,” Oikawa hums, before walking up to ruffle your hair.

Even as he pulls his hand away, his touch is still lingering, forcing you to catch your breath at the sudden surprise. His words are warm and caring as if he truly believes everything will fall into place. You want to believe him. Even the warmth in his eyes almost sways your skepticism, you can feel affection in them, but you can’t seem to grasp onto the hope he has. At this point you’re too stunned to even say a word as you allow your emotions to control you.

“When are you moving back in?” he asks, bringing you back to reality.

“Probably in the next couple days,” you breathe then pause staring at him for a bit while feeling your entire face burn up. An undeniable tension floats in the air and you're struggling to understand if it’s just your mind racing or it’s actually there. The way he manages to get your heart racing out of nowhere, the look he gives you when his chocolate eyes gaze at you, makes you want to melt… “Can you help?”

“Of course.”

------

Now that Iwaizumi is gone, it’s only standard for you to sleep in the guest bedroom. You’re not sure why a room down the hallway was more uncomfortable, but here you were tossing and turning unable to fall asleep. Of course you have other causes to your insomnia, like the pressure of deciding whether or not you should move forward with the internship and whether or not you should get back together with Ushijima. But at the very moment, your head can’t seem to wrap around the idea that Oikawa is just down the hall.

You’ve been living with him for awhile and now you decide to be nervous about it, you think.

Tucking your head under the covers, you take a deep breath inhaling the soft scents of softener and linen, a deep contrast to the sweet scent of citrus mixed with a tinge of oak in Oikawa’s room -- which you’d noticed shortly after is the essence of Oikawa. You clench your jaw, y our brain is all messed up from everything going on. Not to mention it's strange, the way Oikawa’s been so generous lately -- sweet without being boastful or bothersome, completely unlike himself. You’re not sure what you were expecting after your “fight”, but it probably wasn’t this.

You won't be sleeping anytime soon, so you get up and grab your coat, hoping an evening walk will put your mind at ease.

The night is dark and calm as you walk down the street, sidewalk lit by a streetlamp every few steps. Though quiet, your thoughts are louder than ever, pounding at your head hounding you to make a decision. As the cool air picks up and nips at your face, you quickly shove your hands in your pockets full of tissues and a cartridge. Pulling it out, you’re reminded of the evening you first bought the pack of smokes, how your agony ripped you apart to the point you had to turn to a bad habit. The recollection of relief pulsing through your body after inhaling the rich smoke tempted you as you open the pack and take out a stale cigarette that’s a bit crumpled.

The emptiness sets in and your eyes begin to gloss over as you think of what you should do next. For a moment the stress of your future can temporarily disappear with one breath, but how disappointed would Oikawa be if you did so.

That evening, when he called you in the midst of your smoke, he didn’t even know what had happened, but he was still there in a way. His voice echoes your head as he slurs that he hopes Ushijima makes you happy… It makes you hot and flustered. Oikawa always just wants what is best for you. Even if it didn’t benefit him…

You crush the cigarette into your palm and with that a shiver went down your spine. The heavy feeling in your chest seemed to lift itself a little and you almost thought you were standing a bit taller.

------

Fiddling with your pen, you look up once again at the time; class is almost over. Oikawa sits beside you, seemingly locked in on the professor's lecture. It feels unfamiliar to see him taking notes, attentively listening -- his concentration is normally as lacking as yours. Today your attention span is the worst it’s ever been trying to hone in on the dull monotone voice that booms across the class.

Then an idea sparks.

Quickly you try to grab the pen that Oikawa is writing with, but his reflexes are too swift for you as he jerks it away from your reach. A loud obnoxious screech from your chair lurching forward interrupts your professor in the middle of his lesson.

“Y/N, is everything alright?” the professor asks, while everyone’s eyes turn to you.

It’s awkward as you scoff under your breath, but sit up and readjust your seat.

“Y--yes, everything is good,” you say before having the professor return back to his stale lecture.

You let out a sigh while your face gets all flushed. The taste of desperation coats your mouth and it’s so overwhelming that you had to go to uncomfortable lengths just to feel the slightest bit of normalcy between the two of you. There’s just something about the way his irritation spikes through his tight-lipped smile and balling of fists while his eyes glare at you. You missed it.

Suddenly, a quiet snicker sounds beside you. In the corner of your eye, you can see a softness in Oikawa’s appearance and he's slightly smirking. You try not to make it obvious that you notice, but it makes your heart melt a little.

The remainder of the lesson, you continue to replay the way Oikawa’s lips almost turned up to a smile. You wish you got more of a reaction out of him, but it was enough to reassure things. When the professor gives his final dismissal, Oikawa pops up to pack up his belongings. There’s this longing of wishing you could sit beside him longer as you slowly collect your things.

“Ushiwaka is here,” Oikawa says, gesturing to the doorway.

You glance at the doorway noticing a familiar figure poking his head in. His eyes survey the classroom and before meeting yours, you quickly dart them away.

“Are you kidding?” you say under your breath, quickly zipping up your bag, feeling a flash of irritation course through your veins. “I’ll be right back.”

Oikawa raises his brow as he watches you speed towards Ushijima. He knew something like this was going to happen. It was only a matter of time.

But you weren’t pleased with Ushijima’s appearance.

"What are you doing?” you fume, you were quite pissed off as you pout your lips in petulant annoyance.

“I wanted to walk you to your next class,” Ushijima admits so nonchalantly it grinds your teeth.

"N--no," you reply, losing your focus to Oikawa walking by. “No, I don’t need--”

“I need to make up for the time we’ve lost together,” Ushijima adds, eyes locked on to yours that are wandering past him looking at Oikawa who’s getting further and further away.

"I-- I can’t. Please just… I need more space,” you sputter before swallowing hard your body leading to Oikawa’s direction.

"Take whatever time you need, I'll be waiting,” is what you think you heard from him as you catch up to Oikawa, but you don’t really care because your heart feels like everything you did in the moment was unlawful. You didn’t want Oikawa to get the wrong idea, and you feel like he might have, it makes you sick. Just when things started to repair with him, Ushijima just had to sweep in.

“What did he want?” Oikawa asks, his gaze ahead. “Did you finally accept his proposal?”

“What? No," you answer, trying to catch your breath.

“You’re really taking your time with this aren’t you,” he mumbles. “You better figure it out quick, he’s not going to wait for you forever.”

“He can wait,” you say to which Oikawa glances at you.

You get to a fork in the hallway that branches off to your next class or leads to outside the building. Oikawa raises his hand to bid farewell, but you stop planting your feet and take a deep breath.

“Toru.”

He stops and looks over at you…

“Can you come with me…. to my parents?” you breathe. “I don’t want to do the internship. I just don’t want to go alone to tell them.”

Hesitant of his answer, you wait for his response.

“I’d be happy to.”

----

“I don’t know if I’m ready,” you whine, abruptly stopping on the sidewalk in front of your parents house. The sun hides behind the dark clouds, almost seeming like a sigh that you shouldn’t move forward with your plan, but gently touches your back.

“It will be alright,” Oikawa says softly as you try to push away the heat of his touch.

You’re sure that because Oikawa is here with you, you can go through with it. Even if you’re on the verge of retreating, it’s in fact, much more relieving to have him support you on the sidelines.

Every ounce of you pushes your body forward towards the front door. The ominous illusion of a stone cold castle looms over you as you press your finger to the doorbell. The anxiety starts to build up as you look back to Oikawa. He gives you a smile and your face is hot, worried about what's to come from this conversation.

The door unlatches and slowly opens.

“Oh, hello,” your mom says, eyes wide yet narrow glaring down at you. “What a pleasant surprise.”

“Hi,” you respond shyly. You wanted to grab Oikawa’s body to shield you from your mom’s unpleasant aura, but of course you plant your feet. “This is Toru Oikawa.”

Looking back at him to check in and see if he too is incapacitated from her energy. But he isn’t.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you,” he says with a bow.

“How charming, come in!” she greets.

Oikawa straightens up, smoothing out his shirt before fixing his hair. Your eyes widen in awe - his calm confidence is visionary. You didn’t remotely feel comfortable around your mother and Oikawa is smooth and endearing. You're definitely always bringing him with you when you have to see your parents.

Your poorly hidden anxiety is noted on Oikawa’s behalf as he raises an eyebrow and flicks you on the forehead.

“Don’t stress!” Oikawa smiles.

Entering into the house, you two take off your shoes and make your way into the dining area where your mom awaits you. The rooms feel remarkably lifeless and empty.

“Where’s dad?” you ask, taking a seat at the dining table as Oikawa follows suit, sitting next to you.

“Oh working again, doesn’t know when to stop,” your mom sighs. Her eyes trail to Oikawa and her gaze feels so much softer compared to the daggers she throws at you. “Would you like some tea? Water?”

Her gaze lingers as she patiently waits for an answer.

“Thank you, but I’m alright,” he replies.

She turns to you and your heart leaps out of your chest, her stare feels like it could drag your soul out of your body.

“No, I’m fine,” you say, voice shaky as you swallow hard, forcing the next couple words out of your mouth. “Actually, I wanted to talk to you about the internship.”

Your mom’s intimidating demeanor drops immediately, her eyes twinkling with excitement while taking a seat across from you.

“Oh they’re so delighted to have you,” she croons. “They’ve even made you a care package in anticipation of your arrival!”

“See, the thing is…”

Your mom’s blissful face cuts.

“What’s wrong,” she says, making the question more of a blank statement.

“Nothing’s wrong, I just--”

“You think a mother wouldn’t know her own daughter.”

“It’s just--”

“Spit it out.”

You hold your breath, not sure how to present it. Looking at Oikawa, his eyes are full of affection and reassurance, you’ve come this far and you can’t back out of it now.

“Are you quitting?” she murmurs, gazing at you with a stern, cold look on her face.

“I’m sorry,” you say, trying to cushion the blow. But her eyes grow with more displeasure.

“Excuse me,” she hisses.

The air cuts thin. You’re quiet upon hearing the disappointment in her voice, and can understand why she’d be absolutely mortified.

“All that your father and I have done for you,” she barks. “This is how you repay us?”

I knew this was going to happen, you think to yourself as the worst case scenario seems to be on track with her reaction.

“I want to find somewhere else to intern,” you breathe, scared your words are just going to start a war. Her eyes have blaze in them won’t go out. There’s so much passion to make you like her, but even more successful, despite you going against her wishes. Something in her aura makes you want to run, but running is all you’ve ever done. It’s time to face your fears. “Please, let me explain.”

She doesn’t speak, her scowl says everything as she leans back in her chair, arms crossed against her chest.

“I’ve been thinking about it a lot, ever since I first went in for the interview,” you begin trembling. “Everyone was so welcoming and so excited to have me, but something just doesn’t feel right.”

“So you’re going to be selfish and only think about yourself?” she argues.

You recognize your anxiety from earlier stirring in your stomach. Your mom isn’t the easiest person to speak to, especially when her face radiates failure and suffering, this is quite possibly the most horrified you’ve seen her.

“It’s not what I want to do with my degree. I want to look somewhere else that will make me feel more fulfilled.”

“What you want is a mistake,” she thunders.

Her words are like knives digging into your heart. She just seems so distraught, and obviously cares about your future, but you can’t do this anymore.

You stand up from the table and bow deeply. “Will you please trust me? That’s all I ask.”

The room is silent as tension fills the air, you don’t really know what to expect as you shut your eyes tight waiting for a reaction. You’re expecting to be yelled at-- not to mention a shock wave of embarrassment protruding through you in front of Oikawa. The moment is painful and you don’t know what to do. You remain in the deep bow waiting.

“Alright. You don’t need to be so ridiculous, bowing...” she mumbles. You stand up and she has her hand clasp to her forehead. “You’re father’s going to kill me, but alright.”

Your heart rate increases, uncertain what she means by that, because you thought you’d misheard her.

“I guess it’s about time you’ve made your own decisions,” she says. “I was beginning to believe you’d continue to go along with it, but you’re your own person now.”

Shock and confusion washes over you, mixed with hope and excitement. You press your palm to your heart wondering if it’s about to beat out of your chest.

“Just don’t come crying when nothing goes your way,” she adds.

Letting out a huge breath, your lips upturn to a smile.

“Thank you,” you say. And it’s genuine.

#haikyuu x reader #haikyuu angst #haikyuu fluff #haikyu x reader #oikawa tooru #oikawa x reader #oikawa x y/n #Ushijima Wakatoshi #ushijima x reader #ushijima x y/n

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