#is the stupid fucking rules I have to follow because my brain makes them up and I don't have a choice

[running-in-the-dark]

and it just occurred to me that when we move, I might try to find a new therapist. there might be one/a few right in the town we're moving to (I haven't checked), but we'll be really close to a city then. so I could get there regularly (maybe. it's very scary but maybe I can manage it). so. I should probably do that? maybe find someone who'll like.... do more than just accept that I've got social anxiety (because that's what I said when I first saw my previous therapist) and help me figure out the real problem.

#like I mean I. probably have autism or adhd yeah sure. like that's just. I'm just assuming that for now. #but. the thing that really affects me more than anything at this point #is the stupid fucking rules I have to follow because my brain makes them up and I don't have a choice #and the. well everything else that's probably all related to that. #but i don't wanna go there and be like hi I think i might have ocd #because I've been so ashamed of all of this stuff for 20+ years that the thought of talking about it with a person I have to look at and wh #will ask questions about it and then possibly say nope your brain's just really fucked up. #that thought is. so horrifying idk I don't think I could do that #but I struggle with it so much every day that. idk maybe I need to do it anyway? I didn't think I could talk about the social anxiety stuff #either and I did that for years in the end. and it helped a bit. #but idk maybe it's just. pointless? I don't know how to be any other way. I've never not lived like this? I don't remember ever not having #to follow these rules and feeling like I'm disgusting for having bad thoughts and having stupid routines that I have to follow because if I #don't a Bad Thing will happen. but that part got better so maybe it's not that serious anyway and I've just been imagining all of it #because my brain is bad and all of that. #maybe it's fine that I can't touch dirty things and that if I don't tell my husband to drive safe I have to think about him crashing the ca #and it being my fault all day and almost breaking several door handles because I have to check three times if the door is really locked and #it's never enough so it's usually 3x3 times or more. and just. #just. everything I like has to be good and pure and perfect and if it's not and I can't stop myself from liking it anyway I feel disgusting #and guilty and like I'm personally responsible for every bad thing in the world because I just can't be right. #and if I could the bad things would stop #I don't think. that's how people are supposed to think? right? I feel like if everyone spent most of their time thinking about this and #doing everything to make sure they follow these rules then. idk nothing would ever get done? it's just so hard? #but no it's probably just that I'm so bad at handling it and everything is always hard for everyone and no one complains because they're #better at being human. #idk man all I know is this is fucking exhausting and I can't do this for. however many years I'll be alive for. it's been long enough #I'm tired of it #and maybe I shouldn't be on here. maybe it's time to step away again for a while. so much of this messes with my head. I can't handle the #guilt I feel from every stupid post that I saw. oh that's something people argue about? great that's been added to the list of things that #have to feel bad about now. #doesn't matter how much I disagree on a rational level. I don't get to decide. if I know it exists it will bother me. and I can't do it

[clov3sr]

Uno, Out | Jude Bellingham

♡ — pairing(s): Jude Bellingham x reader

♢ — author annotations: hi my name is clov3 there's a global demand for pretty football boy fanfics and I write here look at me writings hehe

♤ — c/t w(s): none <3

♧ — synopsis: Your best friend Jude accidentally ends your hangout with a love confession.

♫ — music inspo.: JUST FRIENDS BY AUDREY MIKA

↻ ◁ II ▷ ↺ 1:11 ───ㅇ───── 2:48

GIF by avenirdelight

"Grow the hell up, Bellingham."

"I'm just saying that's not a legit UNO rule, and I think you know that."

"What I know?" You pause, dramatic as always. Jude misses that flair when he's away. "Is that as newly delegated UNO champion I can't understand your peasant ramblings? What are you saying right now, Ju?"

He doesn't have to look to know the stupid grin you're wearing, but he does anyway and bites his own bottom lip so as not to smile himself. You've just finished tidying the game and snacks up, and his blanket you'd for years claimed as yours had been folded and discarded on your loveseat. He almost forgets what he's looking for, but seeing his shoes in the corner of his vision jogs his memory.

"Man," he exhales, one hand on the wall steadying himself as he lazily shoves his feet into his shoes. In the corner nearest the door is a pair of his slippers that you keep around for him, should he need or want them. "It was just one game."

"Don't care. You got dethroned."

You've approached the entryway now, hands defiantly on your hips. Your head is tilted upwards, partly because Jude is tall and partly a consequence of your ballooned ego. Jude wants to bask in your amusement for much, much longer, too much longer than appropriate for just friends, but yet another notification from the team group chat reminds him that he really can't stay.

He yearns to stay with you.

He could bring up how he'd won the three games beforehand, but the moment is gone now, and he opts to just shake his head.

"Don't die, okay?" You huff, and he gives one last glance that he pleads with every God out there that it isn't full of too much longing for you. He knows what you're asking.

"I'll text you."

You only hum in response. It's been a couple of months now, that every time he leaves you, he wants to pepper your face with kisses and assure you that he can't wait to return. He wants to come home to your signature scent, an airy contrast to the usual smell of cut grass and athletic equipment. He imagines you drowning in one of his shirts, that perfect, stupid, contagious grin to comfort him about leaving.

"Bye, Jude,"

You say something, and he hears it, but the words don't quite penetrate his brain. You're probably saying bye. Your voice is like a song he'll never be able to overplay, a saccharine syrup he will never get tired of swimming in. Jude imagines you embracing him fondly right before he walks out the door. He envisions making sure you know, always,

"Bye, y/n, I love you."

"What?"

Fuck.

His subtle smile drops. He's already got one foot out the door, he's already got his lanyard in one hand ready to fish out the car keys, the other in the middle of closing the door behind him. He can't see your face.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

The door is closed. He swears he hears a confused call of his name, followed by another confused "what?" but if he did, it was too muffled by the very shut front door for him to be sure. He's already in the motion of casually strolling toward his car.

Fuck? Fuck.

He could cry right now, but he's too dumbfounded, and before the grief can reach a resulting action, he's starting the car.

No, it's sinking in now.

In his peripheral he sees your front door fly back open. You're running out to his car, no shoes on. He's complained to you about that before -- you could step on something sharp. Before he can decide what to do, you've nearly fallen face-first into the driver-side window while halting to a stop, swinging open his car door. Your eyes are wide as you balance one hand on your bare knee, the other holding the door open.

"I love you too!"

♢ — author postnote (s): gym equipment has that goddamn smell bro ik you know what im talking about shit. like its got me heated rn is there a word for that smell. also this app sucks how many times do I have to post this

#jude bellingham #jude bellingham x reader #jude bellingham imagine #jude bellingham x you #jude bellingham fic #football oneshot #footballer x you #pablo gavi #reader insert #x reader #fluff #jude bellingham fluff #confession #friends to lovers #jude bellingham one shot #oneshot #x you #gender neutral reader #at least i dont think i implied a gender here so please lmk if you find otherwise

[hannahssimblr]

Ivy is in her pyjamas by seven that evening but she won’t settle. She keeps insisting that when mom and dad are gone she doesn’t have to follow any rules, including bedtime, and I realise the error of my ways in establishing this dynamic with her. Perhaps being the fun brother has too many downsides. 

“Please, Ivy, just get into bed, what do I have to do?”

“I’m not tired.”

“I don’t care, go anyway.”

“What if there’s something good on telly that I want to watch?” She swipes the remote from the table and switches on some re-run of Gossip Girl, which is absolutely not allowed.

“No, turn it off, that’s not for you.”

“It’s for girls, it says it in the name.”

“They’re not girls, they’re… ladies, and they’re all spoiled. A bit like you, huh?” I snatch the remote out of her little hand and flick it off, so she balls her fists up in frustration and starts pummelling me with them. It is nine o’clock in ten minutes and I haven’t gotten around to cleaning our breakfast, lunch or dinner from the kitchen. Baguette crumbs and puddles of spilled hot chocolate still litter the table and counter upstairs making it look like, well, like a teenage boy is running this operation. 

“Stop,” I cry, “you’re over excited, this is what happens when you get too much sugar, I swear to God…” 

“Give me the remote!”

“No!”

“I want to watch TV!” 

“Go. To. Bed.” I put the remote high up on a shelf where she’ll never reach it, which is a stupid idea, because she shrieks and starts trying to scale the furniture to get closer to it. I swear I can feel the ticking of the clock inside my brain by now, she has to go to bed, I don’t know what else to do. When she gets onto the coffee table she kicks over the glass of orange juice that she asked me for fifteen minutes ago and sends it to the floor with a hollow thunk. I stand and watch as liquid pools over the hardwood flooring and I feel something in me snap. I grab her and yank her down hard. Way too hard. 

“Ow, ow,” she cries, “let go!” and I peel my fingers away to see the red ring I have left around her little wrist. Tears have sprung to her eyes, and in a panic I get down on my knees and hold the sides of her head as she begins to shake with sobs. 

“Ivy, I’m sorry,” I say, “That was too hard, I didn’t mean to hurt you, I really didn’t, I’m sorry…”

“I just wanted to watch the telly,” she whimpers, and fat tears pour down her round cheeks and drip from her chin. I feel ill. This is what happens with me, all the time, I get her hyped up and feed her sweets and then I get angry when she can’t calm down. She’s just a little child and I’m a fucking idiot without a clue about how to be responsible. It’s only been a day since we’ve been left alone and look at us now, the kitchen is destroyed, there’s orange juice seeping into the oak flooring and I’ve made my sister cry. 

“Ivy, please,” I say, “I’m sorry I hurt you, what can I do to make it better?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you want me to call mom?”

She gasps, “No,” and she’s right, what a stupid idea. 

“Do you…” I look around me in a panic, “Do you want another hot chocolate?”

This brightens her up, “Another one?”

“Yeah.”

“Really?”

“Of course, yeah, sure. If you… If you get into your bed I’ll take it in and you can have it there, what do you think?”

She swipes her hands over damp cheeks, “I’m allowed hot chocolate in my room?”

“Yeah just for tonight, and only if you promise that you won’t spill it or tell anyone else. Okay?”

She nods, and I breathe a sigh of relief. 

She goes to her room while I head up to the kitchen and shove old plates and mugs out of the way to make room for a new one. I give her two scoops of chocolate powder and extra marshmallows as a guilty offering, and as I’m stirring it all together with hot milk a shadow crosses the window.

I curse under my breath. She’s five minutes early, and usually I’d be happy that a girl was so eager to hang out with me, but now is a less than ideal time. I try to get to the door before she does but I don’t make it, and the doorbell rings obnoxiously through the house. 

“Hello,” Clóda says when I open up to her, and her eyes immediately drift to the ridiculous looking hot chocolate in my hands, “Um, is that what you’re drinking?”

“No, um, it’s not, it’s for my sister.”

“She’s still up?”

“She’s going to bed now, I just wanted to bring this to her, and then we’ll be on our own,” She steps inside and I close the door gently behind her. 

“Is that a good idea?” She wonders, “All of that sugar?”

Fucking hell, I don’t know, do I? “It’s fine. You can just come downstairs and sit on the couch, I’ll be a minute,” I see her taking in the mess of the kitchen, and add, “don’t worry about that, it’s just been a busy evening, it’s not like that usually.”

“Okay.”

Ivy is sitting up in bed wearing an anxious expression. “Who was at the door?”

“Jen.”

“Oh,” a pause, “Did she lose her key?”

“Yeah she did, she was out on the beach and it fell out of her pocket.”

“Oh no, I hope she can find it.”

I push her fringe away from her forehead, “yeah, I hope so too. You know how it is with girls' pockets and all, they don’t really fit much in them, do they?”

She smiles, “No, they don’t. So it’s not really Jen’s fault, it’s her jeans.”

“Exactly,” I straighten up, “You okay now?”

“I think so.”

“Okay well, if you need something just shout for me and I’ll hear you. Don’t come out into the living room or anything, I’m going to be, um, watching a really scary movie.”

“Oh okay.”

“Goodnight Ivy.”

Beginning // Prev // Next

#lucky boy #happy christmas lmao #i'm too sleepy to do anything but go on tumblr rn so here you are #love this chaotic night #nothing can go wrong #right? #feeding your 7 year old sister a pound of sugar and then telling her lies #it'll be fine

[aemonds-little-belle]

FEELINGS SOLD SEPARATLY

CHAPTER TEN (THE ACTUAL RULES)

Modern!Aemond Targaryen x Reader

TAGS - (REPOSTED FROM AO3)

Alternate Universe - Sugar DaddySugar BabySugar Baby AUAUokay this is a whole ass story that's just one long ass brain fartliterally i am just coming up with this on the spotlow key really love it thoughSugar Baby/Sugar Daddyobviouslytalks of class issuesaemonds been hurt in the pasti think there will be some sexy stuff eventuallywait fuck i didn't mention this is a modern!aumodern!AUAlternate Universe - Modern Setting&lt;3Aemond "One-Eye" Targaryen is Bad at Feelingsstop that was recommended but so accurateI don't know how to do tagsI'm SorryI promise it's goodAnd no one diesand it's just so classically a sugar baby/ sugar daddy au it hurtsreader works at a cafe ... obviouslythis will follow a similar storyline to the show just modern and also not at allFamily Issueswait probably dom/sub vibes tooDom/subLight Dom/subclearly i don't know where this is going yetmy readers are always written fat because i am fatso keep that in mindSlow Burnit's so slowbut I think it's greatlike genuinely two idiots in lovebut they take soooo long to noticeUghI love fanfiction

+ + + + + +

“Sure.” Aemond cleared his throat, not expecting her excitement, nor her want to begin immediately. “Any ideas?” He asked, trying to hide his own excitement. He had never made rules with a sugar baby before, always making them himself, alone in his office as he began to dictate how a person would act around him. But this was different, he didn’t want the rules to be there just so she could be palatable, she was all he wanted, and he wanted to ensure she wouldn't lose her spark around him just to comply with the stupid rules. But he knew she wanted these, rules to help guide her, rules that allowed him the subtle power over her every move that the two of them were silently enjoying, and he wasn’t sure how to write those kinds of rules. 

“Um.” Y/n pondered, her eyes glancing at the blank paper and then back to Aemond. “What rules did your past Sugar Babies follow?” Y/n asked, her words losing volume as she went, like she was hesitant to ask. 

“Their rules don’t matter.” Aemond said, fixing the page to face him, the pen now in his hand, his eye still on Y/n. 

“I know I’m not like the past girls, Aemond, but their rules could work as a rough outline.” Y/n explained, her hands reaching for her coffee. “There can’t be too many past rules that revolve around money.” ‘That’s not how you're different, little dragon.’

Aemond hummed then reached forward, taking the coffee cup from her hands before she could sip it. “Water first, then you can have your coffee.” He put the cup down out of arm's reach, smirking at Y/n’s pout as she began drinking her water, as if the removal of coffee from her hands was a punishment for some unknown crime. 

“I honestly don’t know where to start.” Y/n huffed. “So knowing their rules …” 

Y/n wasn’t cut off by Aemond’s voice, but the clicking of a pen before he began to write on the paper, the number one rule spot soon filled. ‘My answers are final’, Aemond looked up to Y/n as her mouth opened, no doubt some slightly witty comment on the tip of her tongue. ‘Do not talk back to me.’ Y/n just pouted, stumped. “Are you finished?” 

“Maybe.” Y/n took another sip of her water, dead set on getting her coffee back from Aemond’s long arms only jail. 

“Obvious rules include ones we’ve already gone over.” He added, quickly jotting down a few more rules as Y/n just nodded her head. ‘You will spend your weekends with me.’, ‘You will go out to dinner with me at least once a week.’, ‘You will attend social functions, gatherings, and family events as my plus one.’, ‘You will not be in any other arrangement, or romantic relationship, while employed.’, ‘Always have your phone on your person.’, ‘Respond to my calls and text messages within a timely and appropriate manner.’ “And then the reason I pulled the rules out in the first place.” ‘Do not use the word ‘fine’, explain how you feel clearly’, Y/n took a second to read the full thing, though Aemond’s handwriting was obnoxiously clear, the page was upside down and that type of reading wasn’t her strong suit.

“The last one might be hard.” Y/n admitted, looking to Aemond, her eyes silently pleading him to take it off.

“Little dragon.” Aemond chuckled, taking a sip of his coffee, almost mockingly. “The rules aren’t meant to be easy, they're meant to help guide you, help you learn and maintain better habits.” Y/n nodded her head, her gaze leaving his, the stare a little too vulnerable, a little too intense. She was giving Aemond the reins to her life, allowing him to choose what is good for her, what she needs, allowing him to guide her, instruct her, and she was nervous, not at the idea of giving herself over to him, but nervous t=she would disappoint him somehow. “Little dragon?” Aemond asked, a soft and gentle tone lacing his words. 

“Hmm?” 

“I lost you for a second there.” He chuckled softly. “Everything okay?” 

“Um, yeah.” She smiled. “I’m just, I know you’ll take money off the charity fund when I break a rule.” Aemond nodded his head. “But will you be mad when I break a rule?” She questioned, looking to him with a glimmer of fear in her eyes, the thought of making Aemond mad more of a punishment than anything else. 

“I won’t be mad, little dragon.” He reassured. “I might be disappointed, but I won’t be mad.” 

“Okay.” She nodded her head, anxiety washing over her features. 

Aemond huffed out a puff of air, he was used to making rules for girls who had done something like this before, so he wasn’t sure how to reassure Y/n that breaking the rules wouldn’t be the end of the world, hell most sugar babies broke the rules on purpose. “I don’t expect you to follow the rules perfectly.” He began. “The rules are new, and difficult, you’ll break quite a few in the beginning.” He could see Y/n shift in her seat uncomfortably. “But it doesn’t matter how many of them you break, what matters is if you learn from your mistakes or not.” Y/n nodded her head, slowly understanding what Aemond meant. “We can take a break from making them if you’d like.” He offered. 

“No, it’s okay. I want to keep going.” She answered. “It’s just all new, but thank you.” she smiled, her hands in her lap fiddling with one another. “What’s next?” 

+

The two of them sat at their table, pancakes, coffee, and waters slowly taking up space, the paper adorning a few spills, and maple syrup finger prints, but they finished the rules, the paper filled to the brim with Aemond’s writing and Y/n’s input, the page flipped over halfway through, new numbers added at some point. “What about you?” Y/n asked, the pen now sitting on the table. 

“What about me?” 

“Do you get any rules?” Y/n asked, Aemond chuckling. “I’m serious.” She pouted. “Shouldn’t you have rules too?” 

“Hmm.” Aemond sat back, crossing his arms over his chest, his sweater’s sleeves rolled up. “And what rules would you give me?” He asked playfully. 

“Um.” Y/n pretended to ponder, finger tapping her chin, eyes to the sky before giggling. “Um, I don’t know.” She said, defeated. “Well, maybe you have to call me ‘little dragon’ more often.” 

“And why is that?” Aemond didn’t truly care about the reasoning, he wished to call her little dragon more himself, though he was worried it was overstepping or awkward. 

“Because I like it, and if it’s in the rules you have to do it.” She smiled. 

“Hmm.” Aemond hummed, eye trained on Y/n as she smiled. “Any other requests?” 

“You’re not writing anything down.” 

“I called it a request for a reason, little dragon. I make the rules, I don’t follow them.” he smirked. 

“Well, can I request my coffee?” Y/n asked, holding up her empty water cup, gesturing it as a trade for the mug on the other side of the table. 

“Hmm.” Aemond smirked, putting the once forgotten, now most likely cold, cup in front of her. Y/n didn’t even bat an eye at the temperature, just pouring the coffee into her empty water cup, the ice sloshing around as she grabbed some sugar and cream from the bowl, Aemond staring at her as if she had just committed a crime, or said something at the wrong time. “You’re quite interesting, little dragon.” Y/n eyes met his. “Why?” She smiled, a slight chuckle leaving her lips. 

“You enjoy cold coffee.” He shook his head. 

“Well you drank all of the hot coffee.” She pointed to the now empty pot. “And I won’t waste a perfectly good cup of coffee.” She shrugged her shoulders. “Plus iced coffee is refreshing. You should try it.” She slid the cup over to Aemond, his eye trained on it, mind overthinking the gesture. 

“Hmm.” Aemond picked the cup up, taking a sip, before setting it down again, Y/n staring at him waiting for his poker face to crack. “It’s not bad.” He admitted, his voice low and emotionless. 

“Just admit that you love it!” 

“I don’t love it.” 

Y/n pouted but moved on, grabbing the piece of paper and the pen, scribbling a title under her own rules. ‘Requests for Aemond.’ The writing was clearly different from Aemonds neat, clear writing, but it would have to do, seeing as he wouldn’t do it himself. ‘Please call me ‘little dragon’ more often.’ “What else, what else?” She hit the pen against her chin, Aemond chuckling at her theatrical performance. ‘Please roll your sleeves up more often.’ Aemond looked to Y/n, his expression puzzled. “I like your tattoo, I want to see it more often.” She hardly whispered, as if it was a great secret that couldn’t be shared. Aemond smirked at her confession. “What?” Y/n questioned, a little offended that he found this funny. 

“Nothing, I just find this tattoo my least appealing one.” His smirk remained as he looked to his arm, his hand brushing over the ink. 

“Do you have more than just this one?” Y/n was immediately in need of more information. 

“Hmm.” Aemond just hummed, his expression hardened, ‘He’s so attractive’. “Maybe.” 

“Maybe? It’s a yes or no question!” Y/n was desperate to know, she never really found tattoos on men attractive, but the thought of a man who held so much power, a man who was so professional, hiding tattoos under his suits as he went about his day? Her mouth seemed to water. “Aemond, please! Please.” She hated how pathetic she sounded, but she needed to know. “I’m just curious, please, help me out here.” 

Aemond’s eye seemed to harden, his smirk even more malicious than before, his arms crossed across his chest once more, his body radiating power, Y/n shut her mouth, giving up her previous fight. “Hmm, don’t stop begging on my account.” Y/n’s face heated up in embarrassment, he was clearly enjoying himself, and enjoying the show she was giving him, she just wasn’t sure if she should continue. Aemond leaned forward. “Your pouty lips might be cute, little dragon, but I would much rather see them do something else.” He whispered, Y/n’s eyes growing wide. 

Before Y/n could truly react Daris had interrupted them. “How is everything here?” He asked, completely oblivious to the tension at the table. 

“Good!” Y/n squeaked out, Aemond chuckling at her clearly shocked expression, her hands stumbling over one another as she tried to stack the dishes. 

Aemond’s hand landed on hers, gently taking the shaking plate out of hers as he took over, gathering the dishes in a calm and collected manor, as if he didn’t just say something so … ‘AHHHHHHHH’. “I’ll be up in just a minute to pay, Daris.” Aemond looked to Y/n who was already staring back at him, like she was trying to decode some foreign language that was written on his forehead. “Are you okay, little dragon?” Aemond chuckled, his chest swelling with pride, he enjoyed knowing his words affected her this much. 

“Mhm.” Y/n smiled, through her eyes read more shock than happiness. 

“Words please.” He commanded, ‘What the fuck is he trying to do? Kill me?’ ‘I can tell this is killing her. I love it.’ 

“I’m okay!” Her words weren’t believable in the slightest, Aemond smirking at her attempt to seem normal. “Are you okay?” Her question came out slightly squeaky. 

“Hmm.” Aemond turned and fished out his wallet, Y/n’s eyes following him as he stood up, towering over the tables. The front counter wasn’t a far walk, but as he made his way up to pay, Y/n couldn’t take her eyes off of him, watching as his hair swayed slightly, his tattoo fading into black blobs as he got further and further. ‘He’s going to be the death of me.’ ‘She’s going to be the death of me’. 

+

THE RULES 

My answers are final

Do not talk back to me 

You will spend your weekends with me, and stay at my apartment if requested 

You will go out to dinner with me at least once a week

You will not be in any other arrangement, or romantic relationship, while employed by me

You will attend social functions, gatherings, and family events as my plus one

You will always have your phone on your person 

Respond to my calls and text messages within a timely and appropriate manner

Do not use the word ‘fine’, explain how you feel clearly

You will alert me to any personal, financial, emotional, or physical conflicts going on while employed 

Do not lie to me

If I can not drive you; You must get a cab home, and you must let me pay for it

I am your superior, not your equal, remember to treat me as such

Make sure you take care of yourself; Brush your teeth daily, sleep at least seven hours, drink enough water, eat enough food, etc

Outfits for social functions, gatherings, and family events will be purchased by me, and worn by you, for the occasion 

You will not participate in activities that actively put your life in danger; Excessive drinking, recreational drugs, reckless physical activities, ect

Doctor appointments will be scheduled and attended, by the both of us, to ensure you’re healthy and thriving, once a month

If you break a rule there will be no begging, bartering, or arguing, the punishment is final, and will be followed through 

If you are uncomfortable at any time with my behavior, or with the rules, alert me immediately using a safe word - ‘Fire’

Aemond’s Requests 

Please call me ‘little dragon’ more often

Please roll your sleeves up more often

By - Y/n 

#aemond targaryen x oc #prince aemond #aemond one eye #aemond fanfiction #aemond targaryen #sugar daddy!aemond targaryen #sb/sd!au #sugar baby!au #hotd aemond #hotd #house of the dragon #aemond x fem!reader #modern au #modern!aemond x reader #modern!aemond targaryen

[yjano]

All of me.

Part 11.

Pairing: Jake x Mc.

Warnings: slow burn, swearing, angst, a little fluff, smut, violence and other pairings.

Words: 4k

Author's note: Although this story is not related to the Duskwood game, I will add some of our beloved characters. Please read it only if you're into angst prison stories, slow burns, etc. A little hint: You will get to see some similarities to Jake and his gang from "Never The Same" fic.

One thing was for sure I didn't hear those two words wrong.

One moment, I was trying to shoot targets in a basement with Kaden, and the next moment, we were running towards the hospital wing. Lex was a crying mess at this point, only able to stutter out random words like 'Sorry, fault, me and dying.'

Kaden, on the other hand, had gone completely mad, yelling out questions towards Lex, who wasn't able to answer him at all.

"How the fuck did this happen!? You guys go on one mission without me and this is what happens!?" Kaden yelled while he kept running with me and Lex behind him.

My whole body started to feel numb the moment I realized Lex's words were real, and Jake had indeed been shot on their mission. It was a mission just for revenge, a stupid and useless mission as I saw it.

While Kaden taught me how to handle a gun, he had explained to me where Jake and the others were and why they had left without Kaden. Turned out that they all had been dying to put some other gang in their place. While Jake had been in prison, the guys from the other gang had tried to steal stuff from within Jake's gang, and to make a long story short, Jake and the others had wanted revenge on them.

Besides that, Jake had been dying for some action again, or as Kaden liked to state it 'He needed to relieve some stress.' Kaden had been the one who was left behind to keep an eye on me and teach me how to handle a gun, something he wasn't very fond of doing as Kaden kept mentioning the whole time we were together.

Kaden had mentioned multiple times that he should have been with Jake instead of teaching me how to shoot something I would never be able to master anyway. Sure, I didn't understand the basic gang rules, but what I did understand was that this whole revenge plan had sounded useless and stupid.

"For fucks sake sake, Lex answer me?!" Kaden yelled again, but again without any response from Lex.

All three of us kept running through the long silent halls, our footsteps, and heavy breathing. The only sounds to be heard. I saw how Kaden turned the corner towards the hospital wing, a loud fuck sounding from him followed by the quickening of his footsteps.

Panic started to rise in my body, and with great speed, I also turned the corner, only to come to a halt immediately at the sight before me. I completely stopped breathing. My whole body became stiff, blood drained from my face, and my mind became empty.

There he was, Jake. The guy who I had grown to care about, the guy who I had feelings for I didn't understand at all. The guy who saved me from the prison, the guy who I had been so scared of, but I had grown to like so much.

Jake hung between Sam and Dan, his arms on their shoulders and his body completely lifeless. Small puddles of blood lay on different places on the hallway floor, and while Dan and Sam dragged him inside the hospital wing, Jessy kept screaming things at them.

Things I didn't understand at all, not because I didn't know the words but because my brain couldn't process them anymore. The whole scene before me felt like one big blurry nightmare. It didn't feel real. It couldn't be real. Jake couldn't leave me like this, right? He wouldn't do that to me.

I saw how Kaden ran up to the two struggling guys who kept Jake up and started to help them drag Jake inside the doors of the hospital wing. Lex, who had been behind me all this time, had finally been able to close in on the now frozen me.

She grabbed my wrist and dragged me down the hall towards the surgery room. I still wasn't able to process anything clearly and just stumbled behind a still crying Lex. I couldn't lose Jake. He was all that I had left. More panic took over my body, and tears slowly started to form in my eyes. Lex threw the doors to the surgery room open, and immediately, all eyes were on us.

"Mc! I need your help right now!" Jessy screamed from behind the surgery table, her eyes locking with mine.

I slowly looked over at her, my eyes instantly falling on Jake. He had been placed on top of the surgery table, his clothes soaked in blood, and his face drained from all color. He looked more dead than alive at this point.

Jake's whole body was limp, and the only thing that confirmed that he was indeed still alive were the heavy breaths that left his body in an unsteady pattern.

"Mc, now!" Jessy screamed again, and before I could fully process what Jessy had been screaming at me, Kaden had already grabbed me by my arm while he literally shoved me towards Jessy.

"Prove yourself crying baby for fucks sake! This is not a moment for blacking out!" Kaden yelled while panic and worry both laced his voice.

My eyes fell once again on Jake on the table, my eyes getting even more blurry with tears. A stinging pain soared through my whole chest while soft sobs started to make its way out of my mouth.

I heard how Jessy screamed some orders at the others surrounding her, and not even a second later, I felt two hands on my shoulders who turned me around, making me come face to face with Jessy.

"Breathe." She ordered in a soft tone, the panic still visible in her eyes but not in her voice. "Come on, Mc, you need to calm down for me. I need your help, okay?" Jessy continued while she kept making eye contact with me.

"We need to help Jake. Can you please calm down for me and for him?"

I slowly took a deep breath, blinking rapidly with my eyes to shake the blurry feeling off of me.

"That's it. Keep breathing. We need your help right now, okay? Jake and I need you." I took another deep breath, and I slowly became fully aware of what was surrounding me.

"You okay?" She asked softly, and I lifted my eyes up to meet hers.

I slowly gave Jessy a soft nod, and within a second, the whole situation made a complete 180. Jessy's calm state was gone, and with a rough tug on my arm, both of us were back next to Jake.

"I need you to do a little more than just the basics, just do as I tell you, and you're gonna be alright!" Jessy blurted out, giving me a pair of operation gloves while putting on a pair herself.

I didn't know when, but somewhere in the meantime, Jake had been stripped of his upper body clothes. The wound had already been located by the others, while Sam kept putting pressure on it with some towels. I looked at the situation once more, and as if a switch in my head turned over, my whole body and mind turned into full nursing modus.

Before I knew it, I was sterilising the wound, followed by me assisting Jessy to remove the bullet from Jake's shoulder. Jessy blurted out order after order, and I followed them all flawlessly.

"I need you to put immediate pressure on the wound once I remove the bullet, okay?" Jessy ordered, and I gave her a short nod.

With some difficulty, Jessy was able to remove the bullet from Jake's shoulder, and I immediately started to put pressure on the wound.

"Kaden switch places with Mc! Mc, I need you to sterilise the wound again so I can stitch it up." Jessy ordered again, and we all did instantly what we were told.

Kaden took the towels from my hands, I sterilised the wound again, and Jessy stitched it up a moment later, followed by another order at me.

"Mc? Can you bandage him up for me? I need to check his vitals again."

I instantly got back to work again, and minutes later, Jake was all bandaged up while Jessy still checked his vitals, expectant and panicked eyes from all of us in the room.

"His breathing is a little unsteady, and his blood pressure is a little low, but I think he's gonna make it. The wound was pretty clear. He's been lucky." Jessy sighed, followed by all the others.

I looked back at Jake, and all my emotions I had been able to keep inside of me hit me all at once. Tears started to stream down my face, and deep sobs left my mouth. My knees began to feel weak, and I slowly fell down on them. Heavy breaths left my body, and a dizzy feeling took over my brain.

"Dan, please get Mc a glass of water." I heard Jessy's voice say, and I saw how she walked over to me.

"You've done great. It's okay now. There's nothing to be worried about anymore. Jake's gonna make it. We know how he is. He's not letting go that easy."

Jessy calmed me while she helped me to get rid of my gloves and dirty clothes, giving me the glass of water Dan had provided a few minutes later to steady my breathing and calm me somewhat down.

She slowly guided me to a chair and made me sit on it, grabbing a blanket from one of the beds and wrapping me up in it. I saw how Kaden, Sam, and Dan moved Jake in a more comfortable bed in the meantime, and just when I thought that everything would be alright.

The hell broke loose again. Kaden started to scream at the others out of nowhere, and within a minute, the whole room erupted in yells from basically everybody except from me and a still crying Lex.

"How did this happen?!" Kaden yelled at the other two, his face red with anger and his hands balled into fists.

"Can't you do anything without me?! Do you have any idea how bad this is!?"

Both Dan and Sam looked down, glaring a little at Lex.

"Of course we do."

Kaden looked from one to another, his eyes squinted into splits and his mouth a firm line.

"He's gonna kill us! How the fuck do we explain this to my fucking dad, you fucking idiots!?" Kaden yelled again his voice taking on a more sarcastic tone.

"Hey dad, your younger son is out of prison, but he's been shot already, and we don't know if he will make it... does that sound right to you two fuckers?!"

Sam and Dan both looked up at the pissed Kaden once again.

"We..." Dan started, but before he could finish his sentence, Lex stepped in front of them, tears still flowing down her face. With a look full of regret, Lex looked at her boyfriend.

"I-I it was my fault, I-I let my guard down... The bullet was a-aimed for me... J-Jake jumped in front of me to save me..."

All eyes turned towards Lex, and before anyone could react, Lex blurted out a 'I'm sorry' and sprinted out of the room with heavy sobs coming from her mouth. Silence fell over the room, everybody looking at each other before Dan finally broke the silence.

"We need to talk, Mc go and search for Lex."

I looked up at Dan, my eyes big, not understanding why I was the one being told to look for the short girl.

"Oh fuck no! Lex's my girlfriend, if anyone is-" Kaden started but got cut off by Dan instantly.

"You're not! We need to talk right now! Mc, go and get her!" Dan yelled, now completely done with the whole situation and being accused of something he didn't do. Jessy slowly walked over towards Dan, grabbing him by his arm and calming him down.

"Calm down, you're scaring Mc. Let me talk to her, okay?" Dan took a deep breath and gave her a soft nod. Jessy slowly walked over towards me, kneeling down before me with a small smile on her face.

"Mc? Can you search Lex for me? She needs someone right now, and since everybody here is pretty pissed off, it's best if you go look for her. Can you do that for us?"

I shortly looked at her.

"B-but Jake...?"

"I will look after him, I promise you that when you come back with Lex, you can stay with Jake as long as you want, okay?" Jessy promised me.

I looked around the room once again, deciding that it was indeed better if I left for a short moment, there was no way I would wanna be part of whatever was gonna be happen between the others.

With a soft sigh I gave Jessy a soft nod, walking out of the room on my search for Lex while leaving the guy, who I cared for even more after everything that had just happened, behind.

I walked through the long hallways, not knowing where to go or where to look for the smaller girl. I didn't know Lex that well, but I knew she did something with computers, so that's exactly what I've been looking for. The only problem with that was that I had no idea where the computers were or where she was for that matter.

It had been ten minutes since I had left Jake and the others, and I found myself to be completely lost inside the building. I didn't know why I chose to wander off to the left side of the building, the side I hadn't been to yet, but somehow my gut told me Lex would be there.

Well, I couldn't find Lex at all, and now I also didn't know where I was. Instead of only one problem, I now had two, and I wasn't pleased with that at all. I didn't know how I could get back to the others, and I also didn't know where to look for Lex.

With a deep sigh, I turned another corner, hoping to see something that could tell me where she was. That wasn't the case, though. More white and empty walls lay before me. Panic slowly started to rise in my body. What if I never found my way back? What if they had to go look for me too? What if I ended up dying in these walls. My breath fastened, and I started to run through the hallways, hoping to find a way out of this maze of white empty hallways.

A sob started to make its way up in my throat until my eyes fell on something on my right. Huge cables lay on the floor in another hallway on my right. Cables with all sorts of coloured lights on them, cables in different colours and two thick grey ones...

I walked over to the hallway, following the cables through the building. I didn't know much about this high-tech technology stuff, but even I could understand that this wasn't leading to a normal television or computer. I slowly walked through the long hallways, hoping to find Lex at the end of the cables. My search suddenly had become a whole lot easier, and I slowly started to calm down while still walking alongside the thick and coloured cables.

I turned two more corners, ending up in a hallway with just one door. A door with a huge hole in the bottom to let the cables through. My eyes flickered over the door, slowly making my way over to it and not knowing if I should knock or not. I couldn't enter such a room right away, right?

With slight hesitation, I lifted up my arm, knocking softly on the door. Silence fell over the hallway, not a sound coming from inside the room. My eyes roamed through the hallway and over the door once again before I knocked a second time.

"Lex? Are you in there?"

Again, it became completely silent inside the hallway. I walked a little closer to the door, putting my ear against it to hear if there was any sound inside. At first, I could only hear the buzzing and little beeps coming from what I guessed were the computers inside, but after a few seconds, I believed I heard a soft sob coming from behind the door.

"Lex?" I tried again, but again, there was no reaction. I pressed my ear yet again against the door, trying to make out another sound that could be Lex, and after a few seconds, I was met with another sob coming from behind the door.

"Lex, it's Mc."

I took a small step backward, considering if I should just try to open the door since Lex was clearly not opening it for me. Deciding that opening it myself was my best option for now, I reached over to the door handle. I placed my fingers on top of it, pushing softly on it and hoping that Lex hadn't locked the door.

A huge sigh of relief left my body the moment the door easily opened before me. With a soft push, I pushed the door away from me, getting a clear view of the room behind it. My eyes immediately widened at the sight before me, and the whole room was packed with computers and everything that belonged to them. Lights flickered everywhere, and cables filled the whole floor.

In the corner of the room stood one small desk with a chair before it. A chair that was currently occupied by a crying Lex. A soft sigh left my mouth, happy that I had found the smaller girl.

"Lex..." I whispered softly. The girl slowly looked up at me, a deep sob leaving her mouth and big tears streaming down her face. Without thinking, I walked over to the small girl, wrapping my arms around her while pushing Lex's head against my chest.

"Shh, it's okay."

Lex's hands immediately grabbed my shirt while she pushed her head even harder against my chest.

"It's okay, Lex. I'm here." I tried again, hoping to calm her somewhat down. Deep sobs left Lex's mouth while her tears started to soak my shirt.

"I-It's all m-my fault."

I lifted one of my hands, bringing it towards Lex's head. I softly began to stroke her through her hair, knowing it was a way to calm most people down.

"It's not, Jake took that bullet for you. He didn't have to, but he still did it. It's not your fault, Lex."

"No! Y-you don't understand..." Lex sobbed again, clearly stressed out by the whole situation.

My eyes wandered over to Lex in my arms, not knowing how to calm her down. With a soft sigh, I decided to keep quiet for a moment, hoping that my presence only was enough to calm Lex down.

Much to my delight, it did prove to be enough. Almost twenty minutes later, Lex had somewhat calmed down. She had removed herself from my hug, thanking me for the support while wiping the last of her tears from her face. I had given Lex a small nod while placing myself on the desk before her.

"It is my fault, you know." Lex whispered without looking at me. I immediately reached my hand out for Lex.

"It's-" But before I could finish my sentence, Lex had me cut off already.

"It is, Mc. Jake might have taken that bullet willingly, but it's still my fault that he got shot..." Lex's lip started to quiver again, and tears started to flood her eyes.

"Kaden is right, you know... Mister Dalton is going to be so mad w-when he finds out." Lex softly sobbed while trying to wipe the tears away with the back of her hand. I placed my hand on her shoulder, trying to calm her down again.

"Why would Jake be mad at you?"

Lex looked back up at me, a questioning look in her eyes. Why would Lex suddenly start calling Jake, mister? On the other hand, I had no idea what was going on inside the gang. Lex softly shook her head, sniffling a lit before she spoke again.

"Not Jake, mister Dalton is Jake's and Kaden's father. That man made this gang. He built it up from the ground, and he's probably the coldest person you're ever going to meet. That is, if you ever get the chance to meet him."

I gave her a questioning look, still not getting on fully. A soft sigh left Lex's mouth.

"Their dad is not a nice person, Mc. He's heartless, willing to kill everyone who fucks shit up or is useless. Jake runs this gang when mister Dalton is away, but mister Dalton is the actual boss here."

I removed my hand slowly from Lex's shoulder. Jake had never told me much about his dad, and I had never felt the urge to question him about the man either. Lex stood up from her chair, pacing around in the room while still wiping away the last of her tears, her breathing now somewhat normal.

"Before you ask, no, their mother is not involved. She's not even alive anymore, to be honest. Rumor said that Mister Dalton drove her to such madness that she killed herself a few years back. Kaden or Jake doesn't really speak about it, so I don't know the full story, I only know that she's not in this world anymore."

I fell completely silent at that statement, Jake had never spoken much to me about his parents and to hear that one of them was scary as hell and the other was dead wasn't a pleasant thing to hear. My own parents weren't on good terms with me right now, but compared to Jake's parents, my problems were nothing.

Sure, I didn't speak to my parents right now, but they were still alive. I still had the chance to set things right with them, and Jake, on the other hand, didn't. With another sigh, Lex walked over to the door, opening it and motioning me to follow her.

"Let's go back. They must be worried."

Ten minutes later, both of us arrived back at the hospital ward. Kaden immediately walked over to Lex, apologizing for his outburst while Lex kept mumbling that it was okay to him. They exchanged a few hugs and kisses while Sam fake gagged behind them, clearly not fond of the cute scene that was taking place between the two of them.

A soft mumbling from behind startled all of us a few seconds later, Jake tossed a little in his bed while he mumbled something inaudible. Not even two seconds later, everyone stood around Jake's bed, six pairs of worried eyes looking at him. Jake slowly started to open his eyes, squinting them a little to adjust to the bright lighting above him.

By now, Lex and Kaden had completely abandoned their cute scene, their complete focus on Jake. Jessy became so happy that Jake was able to open his eyes that she almost tackled him in a bear hug. Hadn't it been for Dan holding her back.

Sam stood a little back, observing the scene from a little away with a small smile on his face.

I slowly walked over to Jake's bed, my eyes focused on his face and tears pooling in my own. He didn't leave me. He stayed.

"How are you feeling?" Dan softly asked, grabbing Jake's attention. A small smirk formed on Jake's mouth.

"Like I've jumped of a building."

Soft laughs emerged from the mouths of everyone except me. A small tear started to drip on my cheek, my eyes finally crossing with Jake's. A small smile fell on his face while another tear dripped down my face. I was pretty sure of it, I couldn't lose this man.

#duskwood #duskwood jake #duskwood mc #duskwood family #duskwood fandom #jake x mc #mc and jake #duskwood fanfiction #everybyte studio

[pinkopalina]

how covid unsocialized me.

it's hard for me to even wax poetic about my experiences because I saw how little anything mattered. so many of us died and even more wrote it off like god was thinning the herd or like the most vulnerable of us getting picked off was deserved because of what the most brutal and uncaring of us did. it made me form a stark contrast between who I thought "us" was and who I realized "they" are.

it made it really hard for me to live day to day without ruminating about our systems and how unhappy I am playing pretend doing stupid shit to make money for people who proved to me that they don't care about me. why am I doing this? why do I have to participate ? how are the rest of you happy and complacent this way, but how dare I say that? in what way have I proven myself a pure saint of a paragon? I have sinned with my apathy.

now I'm so completely disillusioned with any attempt to care about anything because I watched in real time as everything shifted. as covid broke us and rebuilt us for THEIR convenience. yes being gay is okay, to sell you stuff. but we'll take your rights away. yes we care about work life balance... but only if our job controls our access to healthcare and we have to be there more than enough to warrant the work we do.

and it's not like it was great before! it's not like something amazing was ruined and I'm just mad at covid for fucking it up. it was bad and it was a matter of time before something sparked change, and I feel like that was supposed to be covid. if it wasn't that, it was gonna be something else. we had this whole opportunity to actually change and heal the earth and ourselves but we FUCKED THAT UP. we're STILL FUCKED UP YEARS LATER. how many more years of this am I going to witness and bear apathy to because I have no better choice???

it feels with so much bad shit compounding on top of each other, like an unhealthy mind, our unhealthy society ruminating on their problems and blaming each other instead of getting up to help has just left me defeated. the fight goes on and I am no soldier. it's every day. it's always feeling stupid for feeling hopeful and then feeling regret for overcorrecting with rage. I feel like my words are so foreign and long winded to people now that expressing myself, like trying to be saved during COVID, was useless. I legitimately have thoughts like "well at least people who are dead now don't have to worry about what a shit world it's becoming lol" but I can't even EXPRESS that I feel that way because Tumblr police in my head from 16 years of being on the only website that hasn't died yet -- but only has a MILLION rules you have to abide by unless you want a callout post and to develop borderline personality disorder -- will remind me that thoughtcrimes are actually that serious like just as bad as the real shit that is happening with the people with guns and money and power and law making abilities and you should be killed for them too. even though the war is bad. like, these rules don't make any fucking sense but I still have to abide by them.

and then I go into these huge metaphors and assumptions about life and it's echo chambering in my own brain and I actually feel like I turned into the joker. except I'm not even allowed to relate to that because everyone in the ship tag you follow to try to alleviate some of the symptoms of the rot on your mental health that is Daily Life has become an expert on how you should think about them too and they will also kill and ostracize you for having a headcanon that maybe onions have layers sometimes and then you're just better off rambling in every text post you ever make and then deleting it because everything you've ever said has gotten a decreasing amount of notes until it's become 0 and every single one of your artist friends has followers in the thousands but still wants your pity because hating ourselves is too addictive to ever trying to be positive about anything.

like man I am BITTER!!!!!! 🤪😂🙂‍↕️🤝🥰🥴🤪☺️

#this was poetry #my memoirs #my beloved useless message and meaningless words #my gorgeous emptiness #the irony in front of me every day #like I know I'm on socialized because I literally think it would be fine to dress up as a clown and go to work like that. #like because that's literally what I'm fucking doing!!!!! why not just fucking play the part????????

[epersonae]

Tagged by my bestie, sometimes beta, always cheerleader @emi--rose. Rules: Share the first lines of ten of your most recent fanfics and tag ten people. (I'm going to follow her lead and tag one with each fic.)

There’s a flash in Ed’s eyes, jaw working with unexpressed tension. (end up several worlds away) (the missing scenes sequel to for the benefit of all the broken hearts, this chapter is about Ed and Mary.) tagging @knotwerk for the comment today that was TOO LONG FOR AO3, god bless.

It’s one of those rare weeks when they’re not just in the same time zone, not just under the same roof, but under their roof. (for the benefit of all the broken hearts) (my surprisingly long fix-it sequel to the weird and wonderful meta-fiction sort-of-but-not-RPF Water Flowing Underground) tagging @veeagainsttheday for excellent betaing and critical reassurance early on in the project.

Stede loves camping. (BIGFOOT STOLE MY HUSBAND) (idk it's modern AU monsterfucking I GUESS) gotta tag @mxmollusca for this one.

It all started when Stede took Ed to be his plus one at his ex-wife's wedding. (Commit to the Bit) (modern AU where Ed and Stede talk themselves into getting married as a bit; reader I lived this one) tagging @nekosd43 who is not a pirates person, but who was a very good friend to me and Ryn and honestly part of how we originally got to be friends, what with all their excellent taagnus writing.

Thing is, once he gets a break from the routine (wait around, raid, drink, cry, repeat) he doesn't really want to go back. (can't cross the same river twice) (part 3 of "the devil's threeway", a very weird way to get to a reunion fic but I think it works) tagging @chuplayswithfire who kept giving me good ideas for this series.

Later, much later, Stede realizes he can divide his life into two parts, split by that exact moment: when by all rights he should have been dead, gut-stabbed and strung up, and instead the most beautiful man he’d ever seen strolled up to him through fire and smoke and men screaming. (Hungry for love, ready to drown) (me @ me: jfc that's a longass sentence) (Stede POV canon retelling, my very slow love letter to canon. YES the next chapter is on its way, I just finished an editing pass that it very much needed before actual betaing) tagging @red-sky-in-mourning because things they have written or reblogged are DEFINITELY in my project notes.

He has to cut him off. (A secret third thing) (oh look more Stede POV retelling! this time of Water Flowing Underground: I woke up at 3am less than a week after reading WFU with the beginning of this fic.) tagging @gaypiratebrainrot for writing the thing that melted and reformed my brain, and because this fic ended up being the start of a very good friendship.

It turns out there is a second fucking pirate ship trying to board this stupid little Dutch freighter. (Cannonball) (part 2 of devil's threeway, this is the one where Ed gets together with Anne Bonny and Mark Read and also cries a lot) tagging @adreamingofguns, who hasn't written any gay pirates fic, but who has a Special Interests in pirates and contributed to my thoughts about Mark.

It’s not that he prefers the beard, exactly. (nice either way) (the tiny Beard Discourse fic) tagging @blakbonnet for beard discourse reasons.

For Frenchie, that afternoon has the unreal quality of a dream as he sits cross-legged on the deck of The Revenge sewing an addition to Blackbeard’s flag. (what makes me kind) (rest in pieces, this fic) (listen. I had an idea. I had a LOT of ideas. but I kept getting sidetracked. see: everything else on this list. someday? weirder things have happened but idk. if nothing else someday I might just post all the fragments I have written, because some of them I do like very much.) tagging one of my favorite post-S1 longfic writers, @not-nervous-jester. (who has actually finished theirs! two of them!)

#tag games #my writing #my fic #pleasantly surprised to discover that I still like all of these #I always think I haven't written “all that much” for ofmd #which is in comparison with my frankly bonkers output for taz balance #(and I guess in comparison with a few specific prolific folks) #but this is quite a bit of writing for less than a year tbh

[phoenixkaptain]

I think what we all miss in philosophical discussions about whether the Jedi were right or wrong is that Star Wars (the first six) as a whole is built on the idea that doing things out of fear, whether that be fear for oneself or fear for others, leads to bad things happening.

Anakin searching for his mother was based on fear: Anakin killed an entire village of Tusken Raiders.

Luke left in the middle of Jedi training out of fear for his friends: Luke got his hand cut off.

That sort of thing. In the fiction of the movies, acting on fear is bad, but this is especially highlighted in the prequel trilogy.

One thing I think of, whenever I think of the prequels, is that the Jedi High Council WAS afraid. They couldn’t feel the Force, everything was murky, Qui-Gon showed up with a weird Force kid, and the Sith are possibly back. They’re scared, and that’s okay! Fear isn’t actually the problem! The problem is when you make decisions based on that fear, when you ignore your brain to react on base animal instincts.

That’s the whole point of the Jedi, I think. Your base animal instincts shouldn’t control you. Because you aren’t fighting on instinct, you’re fighting with assistance from the Force.

The Jedi choose to join the war based off of fear, they agree to help the Senate more off of fear, they are no longer third-party made to assist with the people of the galaxy.

One thing to remember is that the Jedi Order was okay with people not following rules. Qui-Gon constantly broke rules, but he only started to get in trouble for it, actual legitimate trouble, during the Phantom Menace era.

Qui-Gon is admittedly all we really have to base this assertion on, especially in current canon, but it can be reasonably assumed that the Jedi accepted Grey Jedi, middle-ground Jedi, in the Order because why wouldn’t they? There was no Sith around! The problem was when Jedi went too far, but most of them didn’t and the Council was probably like “cool, congrats, good work.” It’s only when the Sith are “back” that the Jedi panic and start making the rules stricter. And they make the rules stricter out of fear!

I love the Jedi. I love that, above all else, they are people. They have worries, they have fears, they feel love; they’re just people. The difference is that they don’t allow these emotions to guide them. They let their duty to the Force and to each other and to the Galaxy guide them, instead. They do inherently stupid, reckless things because it honestly seems a bit impossible not to be a Jedi who does stupid, reckless things. But, more than that, they do these things out of an inherent passion for the people they’re doing it all for.

Because that’s really the point of the Jedi! To have passion that’s outward, instead of passion that’s inward.

(I know they say no passion or whatever but look me in the eye and tell me that Yoda isn’t passionate about teaching. You would be lying! Yoda uses fucking everything as a teaching opportunity, that man loves teaching more than he loves stew of dubious origin, he is passionate, do not even try to convince me otherwise you cannot)

But really, what the Jedi did wrong was that they very literally lost their faith in the Force.

Hear me out. This sounds very religious but I’m pretty sure the Force is supposed to be an allegory for God and anyway this is a random twenty-two-year laying on a bed trying to put into words the thoughts that are swirling impatiently around my head, like come on, give me a break, don’t take this too seriously, this is my first and last draft okay I’m tired-

This is me leaning a bit into literal interpretation of words, hold on tight.

Qui-Gon becomes part of the Force because he really, truly, honestly did his best to perform all actions in the name of the Force. Which, I have to remind you, does not include visions of the future because Qui-Gon does not have visions. Qui-Gon believes that something is what the Force wants him to do and so he does it. He is perhaps the most loyal Jedi Knight to the Force that we’ve ever seen, especially since he occasionally contradicts himself because the Force changed its mind (I assume). He is the man who is very sincere when he says “the Force wills it” and I love and hate him in equal measure, just like the Jedi Council.

Because on one hand, yes! Qui-Gon is following their lessons so well! Qui-Gon is doing the equivalent of keeping his eyes shut and letting the Force lead him around! That’s what the Jedi want, for their members to be so attuned to the Force that they are never in doubt of what to do! Yay!

But, on the other hand, this means that Qui-Gon actively goes against other Jedi because Qui-Gon is doing what the Force tells him to do in that moment. He isn’t acting in response to a vision of the future, he is acting as someone who has a list of instructions that only gains a new instruction when the prior has been completed. So, some Jedi will try to react accordingly to visions, while the Force is trying to get Qui-Gon to act in the opposite manner, leading to some discordance.

However, Qui-Gon doesn’t actually ever get into all that much trouble, honestly. Which means that they inherently believe him when he says he was willed to do something by the Force. And they trust the Force, even if that means they also have to trust Qui-Gon Jinn.

The Jedi don’t listen to the Force, is what I’m saying, or else they would never be in contradiction with Qui-Gon.

I think the Force shows visions more as a “Look. This is what will happen if you don’t listen to me.” So the Jedi who have visions are supposed to share those and the Jedi who have strong inclinations from the Force can lead them on how to act as the Force requests and it’s a co-existence that’s good, in my opinion, if I’m right.

But, the Jedi stopped doing that. They don’t listen to the Force, they just listen to the things they see in their visions, which inevitably makes those visions come true, you’d think they’d have learned by now-

Is this a very religion sort of view of it? Yes. Do I think that we aren’t supposed to view the Jedi as religious? Yeah. Do I think that nothing about them is based in religion? Of course I think everything about them is based in religion! “Force” as a word is used as the equivalent to the word “God!” “May the Force be with you” is literally just the Star Wars version of “Godspeed” like come on, the Force is so clearly an allegory it isn’t even funny.

All this to say, I think the title “Return of the Jedi” has multiple meanings, as all of the films do, and I think one of them is that Luke puts his faith in the Force. He saw a vision of himself being Darth Vader, but instead of trying to prevent that, he decided “Something tells me my dad still has good in him, so I’m gonna go pull out the good in him.” Luke listens to the Force, even if he doesn’t know that’s what he’s doing, and that’s what the Force has been waiting literal decades for.

I guess we don’t know what the Force told Obi-Wan or Yoda to do, but I think we can reasonably assume that it tried really hard to get them to help people. Like, maybe it gave Obi-Wan a pass because Obi-Wan was looking after a young Force-sensitive, but there’s no way Yoda got one. Jedi seem to be urged to help others above all else by the Force. It wants them to help people, it wants them to save people, it wants the citizens of the galaxy to have improved lives because of the Jedi. That’s the purpose, that’s why Jedi all formed an Order, so they could more easily go save people like the Force wants them to do.

The fact that Yoda and Obi-Wan were both in hiding suggests that they went against the inherent instruction of the Force. Yes, Jedi being alive is important, but look at all the Jedi who somehow lived while also doing so secretly and pretending not to be Jedi so they weren’t murdered. It was difficult, but certainly not impossible.

I think hiding isn’t what the Force wants. The Force wants direct action, for Jedi to step in and change things however they can, and the Jedi didn’t do that for a long time.

So, when the Jedi “return,” it’s more than in just a physical or metaphorical sense, I think it’s also in allegorically theological sense. Because Luke is listening to the Force. More than that, Leia is listening to the Force. The Jedi have returned.

#this is so long and convoluted #i accept that #but i wrote it anyway #star wars #star wars prequels #star wars original trilogy #luke skywalker #leia organa #anakin skywalker #jedi #yoda #don’t take this as a hate rant to jedi #i love the jedi #they are so recklessly stupid each ad everyone of them #and i love that for them #also i have never seen the sequel trilogy #only tfa so i can’t tell you if this remains accurate #also can’t tell you that this is accurate #since #as previously mentioned #i am naught but a tired 22yo #laying on a bed #putting the words that are distractingly present in my brain #onto metaphorical paper #this might all be false #who knows #one might think i would #but one would be wrong #the inane ramblings of a madman

[alethiometry]

Rules: list eight shows for your followers to get to know you better.

Tagged by @aeide!

1. black sails. OBVIOUSLY. it's got everything. drama, intrigue, ocean gays, lying little wet rat twinks, anti-colonialist uprisings, caribbean history, grimy period-appropriate costumes, heartbreak, monologues, toby "saturday chillin don't fuckin @ me i'm chillin" schmitz calling himself daddy. everybody slays absolute cunt. it is THEEEE most perfect show ever created.

2. parks and recreation. rewatching p&r is an interesting experience because it was such a product of obama-era liberal america and the optimism just oozes out of every scene. also we don't like crisp ratt anymore. but it's also so genuinely funny and heartfelt and comforting! this show had a massive impact on my sense of humor, as well as i think framed failure in such a positive light: every character failed drastically at something over the course of the show, but through caring for each other were able to pick themselves back up and never let their shortcomings define them. i first watched it at a point in my life where i really needed that, so it has always stuck with me.

3. leverage. my comfort show to turn to when living in a post-capitalist hellscape that continues to reward billionaires for their moral bankruptcy while shitting on everybody else gets too depressing (so… like every day). is it campy and unrealistic? yes. do i care? no. sometimes you need escapism via direct action, heist hijinks, and extreme displays of bisexuality. also aldis hodge is one of the most beautiful human beings on planet earth.

4. supernatural. yeah yeah it's the hehe destiel meme show. but it was also tons of fun to watch every week, the worldbuilding started out fantastic (and then got progressively more and more insane), i think it's really the epitome of "really cool ideas with mostly lackluster execution". the bloody mary episode remains one of my favorite episodes of tv ever, and the fandom drama just keeps giving! i also met some of my dearest friends through the fandom, so maybe the real destiel love memes were the friends we made along the way.

5. twin peaks. the only show that made me so insane i went and got a tattoo of it. impeccable vibes, the experience of watching s3 and then memeing about it on reddit with everyone else who were all equally confused is an experience that will never be replicated.

6. love island uk. listen. fucking listen. i don't want this show to be listed here any more than any of you do, i'm sure. absolute bottom of the barrel brain rot that consumes my life and brings my workday to a grinding halt (thank you timezones) for the 2 months that each season is running. i absolutely have nothing good to say about love island uk other than it's sometimes really funny, usually unintentionally. but iain stirling's voice and those stupid neon pillows/beanbags and atrocious cursive font and catchphrases have wormed their way into my brain and nothing short of a complete lobotomy can remove it.

7. how to get away with murder. this wouldn't even be on here if saff and i didn't go on an insane binge of all six seasons last fall. but since we did… here we are. michaela pratt is an icon and has never done anything wrong ever in her life and i will die on this hill.

8. cunk on earth. this is probably recency bias speaking but oh my god i adore this show. it is exactly my brand of humor and i have so much respect for all the experts and miss diane morgan herself for making it through those interviews without breaking, because i would be fighting for my fucking life. this is the show that i will henceforth be recommending like a madwoman to all my friends.

honorable mentions: american vandal, derry girls, naruto, south park, dexter, elementary, orphan black.

i'm tagging: @winedark @seance @assassiyun @thatsouthernanthem @potsticker1234 @ciaramedba @doomcountry @thychesters <3

#tag games #cool story charlotte

[horce-divorce]

Something very intriguing about the intersection of individualism and personal responsibility vs learned helplessness vs the complete and utter lack of care for anyone else in this culture.... Like I have literally seen someone walking around coughing like gollum decrying how RSV is going around and "someone should DO something!!!" and then never wearing a fucking mask. Like??? IF ONLY WE COULD TAKE MATTERS INTO OUR OWN HANDS! the cdc said i didnt have to, though, so im not gonna. But somebody else definitely should, for sure. 🙄

it's entitlement, IMHO, that much seems clear, but like... how lmao. Where does it come from? The "I have to worry about mine so you worry about yours" thing? Like, I'm only personally responsible for myself bc of individualism, so that's true of everyone else, too? Is it the learned helplessness of western capitalism and Christian fundamentalism that has everyone convinced we have to wait for our savior to come, because this world is doomed and fucked and worthless and we can't change anything at all on our own?

Idk if this is making sense, I'm sure someone much smarter than me has already anlaysed this and laid it out much better, like there's probably some well-known essay on this somewhere that I just haven't read yet.

But idk I see this combination often, of "I'm an individual so I don't have to care about anyone else, that's THEIR job," and "help! daddy come save me I can't do anything, I'm not allowed :(" like. Entitlement to do whatever you want but also entitlement to someone else cleaning it up? What???

This may be a weird example to pair with covid safety, but I see this kind of a lot in national parks and on beaches and stuff too. People feel entitled to not follow rules, not educate themselves about where they're fucking about, not to stop and think ONCE that their presence may have an impact on others somehow. they'll like. climb on some ice shelves or get sucked into a rip current or wander off the trail somewhere or feed a bear or something and then be SHOCKED that no one can help them/clean up after their mistakes/fix the situation immediately. Its honestly like they expect customer service? Do they think customer service comes from nature lmao??? like buddy we are in a remote, wild area with very few resources, yes, if you get in trouble it's GONNA take the coast guard a while to get down there, IF they can even find you by then. Where's your sense of personal responsibility and rugged individualism now? It didn't lead you to want to learn, idk, ANYTHING about the place you're visiting/living in????

Idk maybe I'm not connecting these 2 thoughts that well but idk it's like people walk around in literally their own fucking world. Or they act like caring only goes one way, like I get to be an Individualist™️ and only worry about me, but also, everyone else has to worry about themselves AND care about me, also, as well.

Again, it's the entitlement! They're connected, idk, I'm just having a hard time saying it well I think.

Anyway I'm just pissed because I know so many people who claim to be progressive and to give a fuck about disabled and marginalized voices and who claim to be critical of the government, but the SECOND they get the ok to do something HARMFUL, they will JUMP at the chance as long as it's convenient. They won't even stop to think twice about why they're doing it, or the impact their actions could have.

I guess covid is a bit different bc right now the OFFICIAL RULES are to not give a fuck and do whatever you want, I guess. Idk just wild how either the rules are fine, and we should totally follow them! Or otherwise they're stupid rules, and we don't have to follow them! Depends on my mood! Personal responsibility and individualism means I get to decide what's fine for everyone!

I dunno I have Swiss cheese for a brain, because I had a fucking post viral chronic illness for a decade before covid even hit, but somebody back me up here. there's gotta be actual literature about this somewhere.

It's like the idea of individualism and "personal responsibility" abdicates anyone of consequence. Ppl really act like that. Never questioning anything they ever do because mind your own business. But also, everything is terrible, somebody should DO something! Not me, but somebody. But also, everyone should be an individual and only worry about themselves????? Make it make sense

#me #long post

[alicentsgf]

tagged by @oneeyedaemond thanks babe 💫

RULES - List eight shows for your followers to get to know you better.

(there are so few shows I actively watch that it makes this easy af)

1. the xfiles - I cannot overstate how much this show characterised my entire childhood but especially ages 14-16 ish. the space it took up in my brain was phenomenal. I should have been studied. haven't watched it in a while but I guarantee if you said an episode name I could tell you what happened in it.

2. agents of shield - I stand by this one. was the first season (or at least the first half of it) a bit lackluster? yes it was very much so. But as soon as they told the rest of the mcu to go fuck itself and stopped including the tie-ins it got really good. seasons 2/3/4 were some of the best. then it got tired in season 6 imo... but THEN it had one of the best concluding seasons of any show ever. good for them. not very gay though - only real criticism - and yet still gayer than the rest of the mcu.

3 You - me? watching a show with a male lead? improbable but not impossible. he's so awful and so so funny and I looovved Love (no surprises there). the new series being set in London was very jarring for me lmao but the characterisation of the british upper class was spot on tbf.

4. His Dark Materials - I'm a little obsessed with Ruth Wilson in this show like idc that everyone says she doesnt look like Marisa like she just IS marisa. the first season rearranged my brain chemistry.

5. Warrior Nun - idc if this makes me a stereotype like yes im a lesbian and I fucking loved that stupid show so much and I cried when they cancelled it. also I know some fans argue it wasn't campy but is WAS and it was GREAT like idc that sometimes the plot was weak it didn't even matter because the characters and their connections were everything. and just... Avatrice my beloved..... I have never seen a sapphic couple written with so much genuine love and care. like you actually get to see them fall in love?? believably???? and they're good people who are good for/to each other????? it fucked me up. I miss it so much like I love my messy gays too don't get me wrong but I'm also so scared I'll never see rep like them again rip.

edit: realised I only did 5 (my attention span ain't great sorry) - will maybe add 3 more later.

tagging @alicenthightowr @lovelydreamscapes @lillia-autumn-windsong @aemondryvers @witchleia

#tagged #oneeyedaemond #sorry if you were already tagged ! #i dont need to list hotd u already kno u already kno

[runthepockets]

Some people were replying to that Death Grips post with "well maybe we SHOULD make memes about Black Flag" and "omg I thought we were memeing in the guys cus we liked them" and like....no? I don't want to make memes of Black Flag. I like Black Flag. I love Black Flag. I love Henry Rollins' stage presence and Ron Reyes' lyricism and I think Raymond Pettibon is a phenomenal artist. They were one of the most avid supporters of Bad Brains when they were coming up. That band made me feel safe enough to participate in heavy music spaces. That band made me realize I was a man. I don't need or want to "poke fun at myself" or refrain from getting "too serious" about their music, and I don't want to. Why is this such an outlandish concept to people?

I don't like being around people who "meme on bands because they respect them" either. That shit is annoying. I'm not a party pooper or anything, I make the occassional joke about how Immolation and Bolt Thrower have been writing the same shit for 800 years (and how it fucking rules). But I still love those guys a lot. I have a fucking Bolt Thrower poster on my wall, I saw Immolation at Beer and Metal Fest 3 years ago and screamed and moshed for the entire set. I have passion and I'm not ashamed of it. If I'm talking in depth about how a new Danny Brown release made feel vindicated, or how I cried over the last Backxwash LP, and all you can give me in turn is one of those stupid ass soyfacing wojacks about how CoOkY it is that people like the music I do, or whatever, I'm not talking to you about that shit anymore cus all that tells me is you lack the maturity to be vulnerable with other human beings and that you're so intimidated by black art and alienated by people taking it as a legitimate method of creativity and self expression that you feel the need to joke it off. And why the fuck would I want to be around that?

Sorry if this is pretencious and sorry for still talking about this. It's just stuff I've been thinking about for years and finally have the language and courage to say, and with someone I follow talking about having similar issues with System of a Down (a band I also grew up with, am also incredibly fond of, and have also had similar issues with the fanbase of)....yeah. There's a time and place for everything, and 98.9% of the time no one is going to appreciate a shitty layer of irony and detatchment in the face of the things they love.

[itsmeluvxx]

Katsuki wishes the mirror was malleable. Watching his reflection, perfect as it follows his movements like a puppet, he wishes he could crawl through the silver frame and make tweaks. He would first change his eyebrows by filling them with hair follicles to create that bushy look he has always wanted. Next, he would move to his nose, he doesn’t know how it could be improved but he knows it needs it, it’s way too dainty. Tweaking his jawline would be next on the list. By pushing and pulling he would make it stronger. His body needs too much work to even comment on. Puberty would be the natural remedy, except, he doesn’t have that puberty- instead, he will just get softer.

His reflection frowns and pokes at the fat on his chest. He isn’t binding right now and it proves to be a mistake because the longer he stares the farther his mind wanders. It’s deep in the woods that grow in the darkest parts of his brain, overgrown with weeds and mold. And, the mold just keeps talking, “No one will love you like that,” and he replies with little sanity, “You’re right, I’m hideous.”

He walks away from the mirror, done with the conversation, to flop onto his bed, the red comforter conforming to hug him. He pulls it up around him, ready to disappear in a pile where all that exists is his eyes peeking out, watching. His All Might poster stares back and it makes his eyes feel less puffy. It’s a stupid comfort. But, the poster was his prized possession, framed and hung like precious cargo, despite it being five dollars from Walmart. His parents gave it to him when he started his transition as a sort of “you can do it!” give and he can’t give it up. When he sees it all he can imagine are his parents’ happy tears and the long talk his dad gave him about being a man. His dad was so proud of him when he repeated back the rules, the first being “men don’t hit anything but baseballs.”

His phone lights up on the bed next to him, flashing his explosion home screen and a notification. His discomfort is immediately replaced by giddy adrenaline. No one texts him, his school turned its back on him when he decided to wear the boy’s uniform and cut his hair short, but, he does have one person.

He opens the DM with slightly shaky fingers and excited eyes.

AllM1ght: KACCHAN!!!!

LordExplosion: …Deku

Allm1ght: you would not guess what i got in the mail today

LordExplosion: youre right i wouldn’t

Katsuki watches as Deku types for thirty seconds and then restarts, his typing bubble flashing for at least two tedious minutes. Sometimes he could strangle the nerd, it’s not like he could warrant the time with good grammar. Which, he knows the other has because the idiot writes nerdy fanfiction (so does Katsuki but that’s beside the point.) Finally, the reply comes through and he’s shocked by the sight of an image of Deku, something they’ve never sent before. Granted, his face isn’t in it, it’s all neck down. In the background, there are piles of dirty clothes- gross- but most importantly, there’s a shirtless Deku on his phone.

AllM1ght: I GOR MY FIRST BINDER!!!

AllM1ght: IM LITERALY IN TEARSA

AllM1ght: thank you for the advice by the way, it really helped when i bought it

Holy shit. There’s a shirtless Deku on his phone. He really shouldn’t be blushing this hard, but who knew the nerd has abs-

AllM1ght: Kacchan?

God, he thought his small, innocent crush was gonna go away soon, but nope. No hope now. He was useless and gay and those were perfectly good abs. He looked good as fuck in a binder.

AllM1ght: did i make it weird

AllM1ght: i kinda thought i shouldnt have sent a photo

AllM1ght: sorry

AllM1ght: I didnt even ask if that would trigger your dysphoria or anything

Katsuki’s eyes are torn from the photo by Deku’s rapid texting, his eyes widening when he reads the flood of messages. His heart beats off, processing Deku’s panic over his lack of answers to the read messages. He feels horrible, Deku thinks he’s sent him into a dysphoric attack of some sort when in reality he had just been thirsty. Goddammit, Katsuki. He’s an idiot.

LordExplosion: hey shush

LordExplosion: i was just distracted

AllM1ght: you sure it was fine?

LordExplosion: yah it was fine deku

LordExplosion: no need to freak out like that

AllM1ght: sorry :3

LordExplosion: Tch

AllM1ght: AWW you love me <33333

Blushing at the message, he buries himself further into his bed and covers his head with the comforter so that all he can see is the light reflecting Deku’s messages. All he wants to focus on right now is the nerd. He makes him feel all… fuzzy. He doesn’t know what to call them, friends, mutuals,- something else.

They met around a year ago. Both of them used online communities to escape when they were rejected by their schools. Deku was running an All Might fanfiction blog, reblogging anything he thought was good and posting his own. He was surprisingly good, garnering a good amount of followers. Katsuki was running his own blog, although his was more personal than anything. He would casually post and reblog transgender posts, cat videos, and he would occasionally put his two cents in the All Might fandom. One of his posts went “viral,” a stupid comment that Nighteye and All Might were definitely divorced. Deku had found him through that post, them becoming mutuals after Deku followed him.

Katsuki had thought it was weird how much Deku had been interacting with his male to female posts as Deku had his pronouns listed as She/Her in his bio forever. But then, one day while they were showing off their comic collection, Deku confessed he thought he may be a boy. Katsuki told him what his parents told him, “You can do it!” and that’s how Deku got his nickname, he said he may use “Dekiru” as his new penname and Katsuki retorted he was more of a “Deku” than anything.

The nickname Kacchan came about in a way more embarrassing way that Katsuki was not willing to divulge.

Somewhere along the way of these texts, Katsuki had developed some sort of crush- ew- on the nerdy-ass boy.

LordExplosion: sure…

AllM1ght: you do! just admit it!

LordExplosion: no

AllM1ght: cmon i love you say it back

FuCK. Katsuki was bright red at this point. Was this flirting? This had to be flirting. The idiot said he loved him. Oh my god. Panic. Panic. Panic. This was what gay panic felt like.

LordExplosion: i love you :(

He was going to scream.

AllM1ght: im blushing

He made the nerd blush.

AllM1ght: hey kacchan

LordExplosiom: yah deku

Katsuki thought the typing bar would hover for a while, in the usual Deku manner in situations like this. And apparently in ab photo situation. God. Those were hot. But, instead, the reply was almost instantaneous.

AllM1ght: do you wanna be my boyfriend

Katuski choked on his spit. What does he say? He wants to, he really, really wants to say yes. He can imagine it, calling each other up and saying lovey-dovey things. Or, flying to each other and doing those super embarrassing first meetings at an airport that always end with someone being held in the other’s arms. He hopes he’ll be the latter, as it’s the less embarrassing option of the two. He wishes for it. All of it, everything that being a couple is.

AllM1ght: ive thought about it for a while. I think itll be really good i mean ive looked up to you for so long. And you always get what im going through and i hope its the same way for you and i dont know about you but i really wan to meet you and hold your hand and run my fingers through your hair

AllM1ght: i really really like you katsuki

Katsuki. Katsuki. Katsuki. He wishes he knew what Deku’s voice sounded like saying that, but for now he can just imagine.

LordExplosion: i really like you too Izuku

He really wants to scream now. That was probably the first time he had ever used Izuku’s chosen name and it was in a cringe confession. He’ll bury himself.

AllM1ght: <333333333333333333333333

AllM1ght: WERE BOYFRIENDS

AllM1ght: MY BOYFRIEND IS KACCHAN

LordExplosion: WELL MY BOYFRIEND IS DEKU

LordExplosion: HELL YAH FUCKER

He thinks back to the thoughts before when he stared at his body and thought no one would ever love him. God, how wrong was he?

#bkdk #my hero academia #bnha #mha #katsuki bakugou #bakugou katsuki #izuku midoriya #midoirya izuku #trans bakugou #trans deku #t4t bakudeku

[jackspadiceye]

“Top of the Mornin’ to ya laddies my name is Jacksepticeye!”

Basics:

Full name: Sean William Mcloughlin Alias: Jacksepticeye Height: 5′8″ Pronouns: He/Him Sexuality: Bi Age/Birthday: 33, February 7th, 1990 From: Cloghan, County Offaly, Ireland Species: Puca

Family Life:

Spouse: Patty Walters Children:  a fur baby, BB or Big Boss, he’s a cat who thinks hes human Hotel Duties: Runs: Irish Meatballs with Mark Deck Duties: “I help get gaming consoles in there, different arcade games and help get merchandise from other YouTubers into their shop at the front. I own it with Mark, who’s also a Youtuber, and it’s basically a place where if you wanna play a game, we probably have a way to do it. Plus old school arcade? Of course. 

When I’m not helping with that I’m doing my own channel on Jacksepticeye, podcast with Ethan Nestor, called Brain Leak, or working on my coffee brand, Top of the Morning. Also bothering my friends if I can remember to message them.”

“All the way to fucking victory town, All the way, feels good to be a winner every now and then”

Summary:

“I’m a bit loud, and can be obnoxious, I promise any joke I make is out of love of my friends. I used to be really quiet, and quite depressed when I lived back in Ireland, it was just me and a cabin and my games, so that was my outlet to meeting people and getting out in the world. I’ve met many of my best friends through Youtube, and I honestly love what I get to do. I run a charity stream called Thankmas, where I raise money for different charities for a whole day. We hit 10 million dollars last time and I honestly cried. 

I’m fucking blessed to be where I am today. I’m usually seen with Valkyrae, Mark Deck, Val, Corpse, whoever I’m spending time with at the time. I’ll also bother Lizzie sometimes by calling her mom, I can’t help it, I don’t make the rules when she yells my name for me doin’ stupid shite. I honestly will talk to anyone, just remind my ADHD arse to reply. I also swear, I’ve tried not to, and I’m better at it but sometimes they slip through.”

“Simple challenge, I call bullshit on that! Grab it with your teeth, one is all you need”

Plots I'm open to/Wanting: I'm looking for the following: FRIENDS, I’ve talked to myself too long, just come hit me up and say hi, I promise I don’t bite. I may prattle on but I don’t bite. any sort of plot I’m up for because honestly, my book is empty

#bahq;task

[marblesouled]

tbh i still don't know. i do feel i'm losing my mind and life rn, one way or other. and it's really awful in a sense i don't know what or who to believe. i'm so easily influenced and obviously can't think clearly, because i'm out of it. my mind has taken me captive and the schizo there is giving out orders.

i both love and hate my new friend. some things he does and says bug me and i start to wonder if i'm doing the right thing by letting him influence me so strongly. because he really is a strong character whose word is truth. i'm more used to milder souls like my dear crush who take me the way i am and don't try to change me. but maybe i need to change? it's a super complicated situation for me and i'm scared of being broken by it all in the end. should i follow another crazy person? won't that dangerous mixture cause only more madness and chaos? why is madness's allure always so siren-like for me that i follow blindly leaving my past principles behind? i mean, it's fun to whirl with the thunder cloud, but you might get scorched by the lightning.

like yesterday, at first it seemed he was very compassionate towards my situation and told he really felt for me in my hour of trouble. but then the next moment he was telling me to go to work and start waking up with an alarm clock. when i had just told him i was getting insufficient sleep and i have very little energy to do anything at all, let alone think about such a thing as going to work. but he keeps pushing me to do stuff all the time for progress and checks up on me to confirm i've done these things or he gets angry. like last night he told me to train on my exercise bike every day and send him the time. this really irks me. like this constant mind control. i'm not sure i know who i am anymore or maybe i really have been one lazy piece of shit who needs to get better at every aspect of my life that has been ruled by my mental state. maybe i do need to control myself, be a normal person like everyone else. have i been using my depression and anxiety as an excuse? i really don't know anything and my mind is fucked!!

and it feels awful even complaining about it, because i feel he has helped me and we've made so many plans for future activities, like getting tattoos together! but honestly, his intensity and angriness frightens me sometimes. still, it really has been fun to do stuff with a person who is brave and willing to try everything. it's given me so much hope for the future, because i know noone else in my life who is like that. last night really was great! but it breaks my heart to think maybe my so-called social progress could be mere mania instead. then i'd be lost again and left depressed. is it my curse?? the schizoaffective disorder i'm suffering from? and am i really such a stupid hopeless case who could only cope with meds? because atm i still wish to continue tapering.

like i know if i told my sister everything about him, she would tell me immediately not to communicate with him any longer to protect myself. and that is also scary! i really don't know what to do, because everything is so fucked-up already. should i have believed him in the first place or stayed sceptical? i don't know what i believe in anymore and it hurts my poor brain. but i know when i meet up with him, i'm straight under his influence again and he'll continue to ask me for exercise and other proof. from a rational point of view, of course i realise it's a situation with blaring red flags, but then i think from the point of view of my madness and that this 'tough therapist/life coach' role he's taken is good for me, like he says. because we do to cool stuff and he makes me try things i've actually wanted to try, but haven't dared like asking a girl making firewood to let me saw a piece of wood last night. there's so much positivity and energy in him, he easily befriends strangers and knows how to converse with them. i really could learn from that. but... he has himself many times mentioned he's not right in the head and has been engaged in some dangerous behaviour i find a bit challenging to condone. or maybe i should just open my mind more? i freakin' don't know. i get a feeling my crush finds him too intense as well and now i'm sorry i invited him into our circle. will it all become a shit show? who or what should i trust in this? i certainly cannot lean on my mind.

#at my wits end #this situation is complicated but i always get myself into these troubles! #i never learn and then the overwhelming mad part of me takes over #others with more rational and healthy minds just have to watch me fall into doom #will i always be such a stupid child incapable of growing up? #what do i really need right now and what would help me forward? #heaven help i have no answers #madness #mania #diary

[hedge-rambles]

Midlife Crisis: A D&D Campaign Idea

So I'm far too lazy to actually write campaigns and play D&D lately (i.e. the last three years) but it doesn't stop my brain kicking me with stupid fucking ideas for campaigns so have this one on the house.

Core concept: Every member of the party is an adventurer who realised, for whatever reason, that they fucking hated the class they were. It's not that they were bad at it, just that they realised it wasn't what they wanted to be. Maybe they were following in a parent's footsteps, maybe they just kinda fell backwards into the role, maybe they genuinely thought it was their calling when they were younger, but the point is, they're sick of it and need a change. So they've retrained as a new class.

Hook: The party meets at a local college/night classes/community centre/nearby pub and bonds over the fact they've all decided to change careers later in life. The party maybe forms naturally during a social mixer or it could be a sort of cross-disciplinary coursework assignment. Either way, the one thing they have in common is that they're all in the same boat.

Basic gameplay setup: Each player creates a character in a chosen class, appropriate stats etc., and levels it up to level 5. Ideally I suggest you try not to meta-game this and push the character towards the stats for the eventual class but if you want to play it as their true calling that could work too. Just try and make it make sense in character.

Once you've done this, dual-class them to the class they've retrained to, ignoring the rules about minimum stat points for dual-classing. I wouldn't recommend trying to play a wizard coming from a barbarian with a 6 in INT, but it could be hilarious. They should end up a level 5 [former class] and a level 1 [new class] with a total level of 6.

Recommended gameplay/roleplay: Your player characters retain all their old skills, they may well be extremely good at them, but a core conceit of the game is that they mostly try to avoid using those skills. No one is saying that, when it's a matter of survival, not to break out their old (significantly better) skills, just that you're going to try not to if you can.

Your former-fighter-now-wizard can punch a dude if she needs to, no one is judging, she's very good at punching dudes. You want to avoid it unless absolutely necessary because damnit she's going to be a fucking wizard, she's sick of punching. Buuuuut when you're out of spell-slots, well, you never run out of punch.

Alternatively, you can pick and choose how your character feels about their old skills. If your former class was rogue, you'll want to make a choice about whether your character happily picks locks where needed because he's good at it, or if he hates doing it because he left that life behind, man.

Do you have an angsty, tortured backstory of a life of crime where the character feels revolted using criminal skills from their time as a bandit?

Is your character is a muscle-bound sword-swinger who has a PhD in high magic, but looked at the idea of a lifetime in academia and went "absolutely the fuck not"?

Or was your character simply raised amongst druids until they went to the big city and realised that, though they'd never even heard the word before, they had truly been born to be an artificer?

The most important part is having fun with the idea though. But have a think about their reasons for changing path, and how that affects them.

#dnd #d&d #dnd5e #dungeons and dragons #ttrpg #idk I just think it's a fun idea #I also just love the trope of the character that's like...clearly meant to be a different class #either by accident or by choice they are a different class to the one they were born for #intellectual twig man barbarian #cleric of the god of peace and healing with a natural bersekrer rage #anyway have fun if anyone tries to play this