#but one would be wrong

[andthebeanstalk]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

#hlep #original #mental health #my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need. #the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it #i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support #and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist. #the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28! #a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents. #they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of #huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the #longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong. #and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives. #you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead? #or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of. #no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow. #i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel #i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong. #just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop

[toast-the-unknowing]

Had a debate with a friend and now I gotta know

please reblog for larger sample size, my friend bet me no one would say Gimli and I wanna prove her wrong

#she also bet me no one would say Gandalf. and to be clear I would love to prove her wrong on that too. but Gimli feels much more achievable #lord of the rings #lotr #polls

[zillychu]

me? redrawing my old shit?? its more likely than u think

#danny phantom #he deserves to get hurt by more non-ecto related weapons I think (lovingly) #and dole out punishment on non-ecto related bad guys #who chose the one singular wrong high schooler in the entire world to shoot #maybe reveals his identity in order to save his classmates who have done nothing but bully him for years. yknow #I just think it would be neat :) #a silly goofy fun time :) #zilly art

[lazylittledragon]

i refuse to believe that boycotting is hard. my favourite thing in the world is ordering maccies after a late night at work/a concert/getting drunk. yes i do miss it sometimes. but the other night i ordered from a small place near my house instead and it was the most orgasmic burger i've ever had in my life. i very rarely say this but fucking suck it up people are DEAD

#ramble #also only 0.29 delivery instead of 3.99 #and chilli cheese bites #i swear to god the best food you'll ever eat while drunk is from the tiny shithole that's open until 4am #if you're refusing to do literally the smallest thing you can do to help then i have questions #it's FOOD. you'll survive #it's not even NECESSARY food #if it was like a chain grocery place and you don't have access to anything else then i would understand #but it's just NOT #make your own coffee for the love of god #when there is NOTHING you can do to stop this fucking tragedy. and let's be honest there isn't a lot normal people can do #and people say to you 'do this insignificant thing just to show that you even CARE' #and you DON'T do that???? what is actually wrong with you #also i've been worried about this since my last post about sbucks but this is Not an attack on the people who WORK at the boycotted places #because it is an absolute privilege to be able to leave your job and immediately find a new one

[lotus-pear]

double black

#lotus try to go one day without thinking abt skk challenge (IMPOSSIBLE) #also poses in the first img are referenced from thegrayninja on deviantart!! #nobody in this fandom draws chuuya just constantly floating around as opposed to walking and i think thats a crime #if you think a 15yo boy w gravity powers wouldn't absolutey abuse the shit out of that ability and just refuse to walk #then you're wrong. and you know it. #ik for a fact my lazy ass would take advantage of the fact that i could just move freely in the air and not have to waste energy walking #wish dazai didn't have nullification bc then chuuya could pick him up and they could recreate the hmc scene (chuuya would drop him /hj) #bungou stray dogs #bungo stray dogs #bsd #chuuya nakahara #nakahara chuuya #dazai osamu #osamu dazai #soukoku #skk #lotus draws

[percki]

‘why would zuko do that’ he is sixteen years old. ‘i don’t understand zuko’ are you or have you been sixteen years old. ‘zuko just makes bad decisions’ he is sixteen years old. ‘zuko burned down kyoshi island’ he’s literally sixteen years old. ‘zuko kidnapped a twelve year old and dragged him through the snow for hours’ yeah sure but he was sixteen years old. ‘zuko hired an assassin to capture aang, and said assassin went rogue and attempted to kill everyone’ yeah well he’s not good at critical thinking. he’s sixteen years old

#this post is a joke. i love zuko i would hit him with my car and then cradle his head like a dying baby deer #atla #zuko’s literally just a wet cat sorry. he’s not good at making decisions #this is a criticism of the ‘zuko can do no wrong’ ppl but ALSO a criticism of the ‘zuko is inherently bad and can never change’ ppl #two criticisms for the price of one post hehe #avatar the last airbender #prince zuko #zuko #talk tag

[soranker]

tomorrow :)

#TRIGUN MAXIMUM SPOILERS #trigun maximum #vashwood #vash the stampede #nicholas d wolfwood #ok...... one more......... yall can have a little vashwood as a treat...... #i actually love them so much SO BADLY but u prob wouldnt b able to tell bc i dont post a lot of ship art #but trimax vashwood. holay shit. hydrogen bomb yaoi #ive also just been like. digging into so much post-canon vashwood (<- sad and delusional and coping) #LIKE DONT GET ME WRONG I LOVE LOVE LOVEEE WOLFWOOD'S CHARACTER ARC and i think [redacted] is SO IMPORTANT AND VITAL TO THE STORY #BOTH THEMATICALLY AND FOR VASH'S CHARACTER ARC. i literally would not have it any other way unfortunately </3 BUT A PERSON CAN STILL DREAM! #ok ya ill stop talking now bc i think i could talk about them and think about them forever.. *scratching the back of my head*

[uncanny-tranny]

"Treatment" for addiction that requires you to lock up, confine, coerce, or otherwise strip addicts of their autonomy, it isn't treatment. It is a revenge fantasy that prioritizes your desire for subjugation over the actual betterment of addicts.

#politics #addiction #addiction tw #addiction mention tw #and like i understand the desire for revenge when you feel wronged. but addiction isn't one of those circumstances #i hold a deep hatred for my abuser but i was celebrating when they weren't being criminalized for their addiction #because if that had happened that would have destroyed so many lives in such a brutal and unnecessary way #and yes they held responsibility for their actions. but that doesn't mean you can go from 0 to 1000 because of it

[egophiliac]

Wait, did you put a photo of Vil and Neige as kids in Eric’s office??

oh good, I was afraid that wasn't going to read properly and people would just be like "what is this supposed to be". :') but yeah! I like to think Eric was pretty fond of Neige as a kid! single dad sees orphan child approximately the same age as his own son and goes "hmm. okay, you guys are going to be friends now." (this did not go as well as he'd hoped.)

(also I do love how it's kind of a running joke that everyone loves Neige except for Vil, who's standing over in the corner and just seething with furious irrational hatred. someday maybe he'll find someone who doesn't think Neige is the best thing since cinnamon rolls.)

#art #twisted wonderland #vil: am i massively projecting my own hangups and insecurities onto someone who i would otherwise find only mildly annoying #vil: no it must be neige who is wrong #idk i just like neige a lot! he's sweet and i find him fascinating honestly #there's ONE offhanded comment about how oh yeah he's been orphaned since a young age and just never talks about it #he lives with a bunch of dwarves and cooks and cleans for them and this has been going on since he was like eight #like. hello?! #there's a whole backstory here that we're never going to get more than this single crumb of and frankly that makes it better #man if i had a nickel for every fandom about fairytale characters in high school #where i instantly fell in love with the snow white character #i'd have two nickels et cetera you know the rest

[inkskinned]

he says i hate everyone except you and that is addictive and that is kind of romantic and beautiful because you're young and you're kind of a sarcastic asshole too and you don't like bad boys, per say, but you don't really like good ones either. and you like that you were the exception, it felt like winning.

except life is not a romance book, and he was kind of being honest. he doesn't learn to be nice to your friends. he only tolerates your family. you have to beg him to come with you to birthday parties, he complains the whole time. you want to go on a date but - people are often there, wherever you're going. he's just so angry. about everything, is the thing. in the romance book, doesn't he eventually soften? can't you teach him, through your own sense of whimsy and comfort?

at first - you know introverts often need smaller friend groups, and honestly, you're fine staying at home too. you like the small, tidy life you occupy. you're not going to punish him for his personality type.

except: he really does hate everyone but you. which means he doesn't get along with his therapist. which means he has no one to talk to except for you. which means you take care of him constantly, since he otherwise has no one. which means you sometimes have to apologize for him. which means he keeps you home from seeing your friends because he hates them. you're the single exception.

about a decade from this experience, you'll type into google: how to know if a relationship is codependent.

he wraps an arm around you. i hate everyone except you. these days, you're learning what he's actually confessing is i have very little practice being kind.

#i used to think it was romantic too and then i was like. now i see it as a HUGE red flag #writeblr #it is also almost EXCLUSIVELY said by immature ppl who think this is normal #fyi even if u think it's funny and ur like 'im an introvert it's just TRUE' like. you need therapy (ily tho) #healed introversion is just ''i would prefer to be by myself'' not ''i hate every person'' ... hate is not normal. that is not healthy #im sorry. i know it feels accurate. but if you're walking around with that kind of rage.... #1. you're making a LOT of assumptions about every single person u have ever met. which is often unfair and unkind #and also usually involves judging people based on their worst moments or little mistakes #2. you are being unfair to the person who is ur ''exception'' #3. there is a VAST difference between ''ur my favorite person'' and ''the ONLY person i like.'' #idk i think this is just a personal bias thing tbh #im sure there are people who have this experience normally #but i have YET to find a man who thinks like this and ISNT absolute DOGSHIT. although tbh.... like. im sure he exists #when u hit like 30 some of the things that were once kind of hot now just sound fucking exhausting. like ''im in a band'' #edit in the tags: i used to kind of be like this too. but the thing is that like. my life became so much more peaceful #once i started believing that people are generally good. like yes i am mad at the world at large #but it's just.... a very hard way to live. you're not a bad person or wrong for the ways other people hurt you and taught you to be angry. #but that anger will continue to hurt YOU. it will punish YOU. it will prevent YOU from making new deep connections. it will protect you yes #but it will also cause MASSIVE blowback. bc if you lose the One Person... your life will fall apart. i know this personally. #i really recommend just trying to be... cautiously optimistic instead. like. yes #people can be horrible and cruel and there are some communities (incels for example) that aren't worth that optimism #but i think like... most people will hold a door for you . most people want to help you find your wallet . #i hope one day you are able to find peace. i hope that rage eventually smooths over. i know how hard it is PERSONALLY #and i know what must have happened to you. and im deeply deeply sorry we share the same wound. #but i promise - sometimes we all need someone else to help us carry the weight. eventually the rage has to die so that we can let help in #i had to spend years biting at outstretched hands. i still often do. im still very wary . and my heart breaks that you flinch too. #here's the thing: i don't blame you. but we were both acting out of fear and pain. .... not out of healthy behavior. and ... change #was needed. i needed change too. rage was useful for a while. then it just left me isolated and bitter. i had to (with effort) #choose to let that rage go. and let people in . VERY SLOWLY THO LOL

[stevenrogered]

Can we also talk about how Buck has feelings for Tommy...who is literally a carbon copy of Eddie?

#911 #911edit #911 abc #911 on abc #911 on fox #911 fox #911 spoilers #buddie #buddieedit #evan buckley #eddie diaz #oliver stark #ryan guzman #tommy kinard #tuserkaz #mystuff #and that he even acknowledged how similar they are? #what are the chances are someone’s got his wires crossed #and his feelings confused in the wrong direction? #the season finale is gonna be the im in love with my best friend trope #where you date someone exactly like them #and youre like oh wait #i would bet money thats where this is going #and they're gonna leave it on a cliffhanger #with either buck realizing eddie is the one #or eddie finding out somehow #1k

[confusedmothboy]

is this anything

#art #drawing #fanart #dungeon meshi #dunmeshi #dungeon meshi fanart #mithrun #kabru of utaya #laios touden #labru #kabumisu #i pitched this idea to not one not two but three friends and all of them said kabru would not wear the feather nightgown #and i think theyre WRONG #like im not crazy yall understand it right

[audhd-nightwing]

things in DC canon i’ll literally never get over

1. dick finds out batman replaced him as robin (without asking him) from the NEWSPAPER and simultaneously finds out bruce adopted a new kid without telling him (to make things worse: bruce didn’t even adopt dick)

2. dick finds out jason died from the newspaper (AGAIN? REALLY BRUCE?) and bruce had the fucking funeral WITHOUT HIM while he was still in space

#i’m only like 80% sure these are fully canon btw #correct me if i'm wrong #dc comics #bruce wayne #dick grayson #jason todd #robin!jason #batman #batman comics #nightwing #batman and robin #ok yes ik there’s a reason bruce didn’t adopt dick #aka he didn’t want to replace dick’s father #but imagine being a teenager and your foster dad adopts a kid without even telling you #and then giving him YOUR name without asking #like no one would feel great about that #i will never forgive bruce for not telling dick jason died / having the funeral without him #though i do love some yummy angst #where hood!jason yells at dick for not even being at the funeral #and dicks like ‘i was still in fucking space!’ #like yes bruce was grieving but BRO thats ur other son come on

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Sorry for not having a Year of the Dragon MDZS artwork; Unfortunately, I can only picture Dragon LWJ in this particular flavour.

#poorly drawn mdzs #mdzs #lan wangji #wei wuxian #Dragon AU #MDZS AU #noodleji #(IT'S A REAL TAG!!! AAH!!! THROWING MY HAT TO THE LITTLE GUY LOVERS!) #Yes I watched Fruits Basket in my teen years and yes it left a significant impression on me. #'The Dragon Transforms' and its just into a small little guy. #Even more points if the human form is a Tall Guy. #Sadly this does not appear to be a common nor popular variation so I will sit on my little hill alone. (EDIT: I WAS WRONG) #Dragon LWJ probably would be some kind of river dragon. Lesser god of a small stream. #One that grows bigger with time but always has the reputation of being benevolent and calm to those who seek its clear waters. #Do not pollute these waters or your ass is going to be bit. 1000 tiny puncture marks. #I imagine that's probably how wwx first meets him (accidently pours booze into lwj's river) (gets bit - gets bit - gets bit-) #WWX eventually befriends him through stubbornly showing up every week to give him offerings. #Takes him into town in a little pot of water to show him how the people live. Maybe go to a festival. #When the day is done and he's back in his river and alone - LWJ finally feels a new emotion...it is longing and loneliness.

[medicalunprofessional]

ohhh hell yes

#psychonauts #g-men #trainofthought #pls ignore the hand i know its kind of ass i dont care 🏃🏃🏃🏃 #i drew this like 2 days ago but i just had to post it on a friday or it would be wrong #sometimes i draw shoes really good and this is one of these times for some reasob #i fucking love drawing these thingd #wait like do the g-men actually get the weekend off or.:.?????? #i dojt care. i think they shpuld be allowed a day off (they will discuss their theories and like. play board games. but really boring ones)

[sleepis4theweak]

Inspired by my mom pulling the emergency call cord in the hospital because I got the hiccups when I was like a day old.

#I feel like leo would be one to freak out if anything slightly bad happened #and jump to the most severe of conclusions... (he's me) #tmnt #tmnt 2012 #but... idk age gaps au? #tmnt au #leo 2012 #mikey 2012 #mikey tmnt #leo tmnt #posted this on the wrong blog first whoops :| #Only Mike saw tho.... (hi Mike) #sleepy art