#im so proud of myself for getting to this ''healthy'' weight | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

am-i-the-asshole-official · 2 months

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AITA for telling mom to stop giving me unhealthy food and then refusing to say "I love you" back?

I (16, FtM) am autistic, for the longest time I struggled with eating different types of foods, in fact, i only started eating vegetables when I was 16 because my nutritionist told me to. Since I have memory, i've been teased by my weight, all my life. It led me to make decisions i'm not very proud of (like getting groomed at 8-9 years old), because of my low self esteem.

I've gone to the nutritionist a total of 2 times in my life, but in my opinion i should've gone more but my parents didn't seem to think the same. Both of those times the doctors told me I was a little overweight. They didn't tell me i was obese or morbidly obese which thank god because I would've broken down and kms (not really but even thinking of getting told that makes me anxious).

They did tell me to start eating more food other than fried food and other type of stuff. After the meeting, my parents started scolding me for embarrassing them in front of the doctor, but all i did was being brutally honest with her! I told her how my parents keep buying flavored water which has at least 2 stamps in it (The government makes it so that companies have to put stamps on their products saying what's exactly in it), so the only source of natural water is the one we boil ourselves, which i drink every time i do exercise. And also how the dinner mom makes is sausages and french fries, it's quick and easy. This last week I've eating that dinner two times and on the weekend i ate fast food for lunch, on Saturday and Sunday which means TWICE. By the end I was so worried i might have to double my exercise next week (so now) to balance it off. I felt really fat on monday so uh not a good feeling.

For my part, I've had this discussion with my P.E teacher, and she agreed to make me play basketball more so i can both exercise at home and more at school other than P.E class. I've also done the effort of eating vegetables (which due to my autism it was very hard at first but I've gotten the hang of it!) And doing more exercise at school.

But even when mom agreed to start feeding me more healthy foods, it's like she gave up. She's gone back to giving me the same lazy foods that are filled with cholesterol and grease, and every time i eat those it makes me feel worried. Tonight was one of those dinners and all i want is to get it out of my system (literally).

I told mom she can't keep feeding me like this if she wants me to lose weight, and she responds by saying "but what can we feed you? You don't eat anything else" which? Fucking excuse me? WHAT DO YOU THINK I'VE BEEN DOING FOR THE PAST MONTHS??? She always says that, it's like whenever i eat entire salads she fucking ignores me or something! It makes me feel so angry, fuck my efforts i guess???

I got more angry, but she's my mom, so i decided to shut up. Since i was getting ready to bed once i got comfortable she told me "I love you", which is a normal habit we have every time i go to bed. She says "i love you" i say it back. But this time I didn't, and she just sighed and closed the door.

Right now i'm really mad at her, but i recognize that maybe not saying "I love you" back was a bit too much, but if i have to stop saying it at all for her to understand I want to lose weight, then so be it. If she doesn't want to recognize im the only one doing the effort, whatever. I'm thinking of starting to refuse her food to make myself clear.

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole #eating disorder cw

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bl4d333 · 1 year

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my reasons to loose weight

looking good/hot

able to wear whatever i want

not have to worry about clothing sizes

not heavier than him

being the skinniest in the friend group

compliments/attention on weight loss

looking skinny in a big coat

looking skinny in school uniform

all jewellery fitting

share clothes with friends

look good in dresses

satisfaction feeling ribs, hips and bones

dropping sizes so have to buy new clothes

shock my family/friends

have the same body as girls i know

fitting my aesthetic better

people thinking i stay in shape because im skinny

naturally lift that ass and tittys😋

comfortable weighing myself

not feeling heavy on my feet

fitting into old clothes

fitting into vintage/thrifted clothes

comfortable wearing small tops

restricting food gives me a sense of self control and discipline

being able to say my weight proud

able to picture myself having sex

wearing a bikini

oversized clothes- skinny rather than fat

in a competition with my "friend" to get skinny

eating healthy makes me feel clean, fresh, happy and good about myself

make others think twice when im eating less/healthier than them

being able to eat unhealthy and it be acceptable because im not fat and instead its impressive

live out my goals of looking like this one girl

feel like a victoria secret model

feel more included

feel more like a girl

get called anorexic/thin/skinny/malnourished/bones/lanky instead of fat/chunky/chubby/big

carried or piggybacked

"are u sure u dont want anything to eat?"

attention of concerned people

eat without looking fat

thin thighs when sat down

arms dont jiggle when shaked

rings always fit

less body surface area to tan 😭

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yourbabycarmen-blog · 2 months

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is this considered a binge?

ive been pretty proud of myself this week because each day I was getting 1000-1150 cals which I feel like is reasonable considering I weightlift and have started cardio 5 days a week, (which is improving each day so im burning between 400-750 each time with those two combined). But, my bf was over this weekend and I still ate small, just not really any protein or healthy food, whereas through the week I was eating yogurts berries eggs chicken etc. Anyway Im also doing 16-8 and 10 mins after my "fast" started he wanted to go to McDonalds so I just got 6 chicken nugget, sauce, ate some of my fries, and small drink. Im at about 1250 cals for today cuz of that and didn't workout today. I know a binge can be more dramatic but ive noticed ive been stalling at 65kg the past 4 days, basically since the day I said my weight dropped. Help idk why im not losing and im worried its my diet, do you guys think I should eat less?

#tw restrictive ed #ed not ed sheeran #tw ed diet #tw ana diary #ana trigger #ana bllog #tw disordered eating

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madmutts · 8 months

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Good morning Angie! It’s 4:39 pm so very much not neo I g but still!

Im so proud of you for gaining weight! Being at a helathy weight is very important and malnutrition sucks!

(I know it’s not at all the same thing, but I totally am super proud of you, when I started getting to a healthy weight it was such an experience especially being healthy part, you never notice how much vitamin deficiency sucks until you’re not deficient anymore lol)

Hdkfsjd good (not)morning! Thank you! I'm proud of myself too! And you're right, it is very important. I can definitely feel the difference, I'm a lot more energized than when we first got here. And I think it's the same for the other guys, too! As far as I can tell, at least.

We're turtles, so we can go a lot longer without proper food than humans can. So most of our rations went to the humans and children in the resistance. Our health suffered a little after a while, but it was worth it.

#angelo txt #hea au #inbox answer

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ang3lxwrldd · 2 years

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reasons to push to my ugw

so i can be skinny

to be given the jealous looks

people asking me how i did it

to be able to wear whatever i want and having it look good on me

wearing xxs/xs clothing

people complimenting how i look

changing the way i look

being happier with myself

being able to feel confident in a bikini

being able to eat a cookie without worrying i will be fat

to look in the mirror and love what i see

to take pictures of myself and look good

having people say “body goals”

for the tiny wrists.

to not have to worry about being a “normal weight” again

a pretty thigh gap

to wear crop tops without worrying about my stomach

to boost my confidence

to look good in my dream style

to be envied

to be seen as inspiration

to run and not feel the fat jiggle

to have a more defined jawline

to not hate my thighs

for size small clothes to fit oversized

to look good in body conn dresses

to feel accepted by society standards

to be happier with my body

to not feel super fat all the time

to have lean legs

to look cute in shorts

to be told im “too” skinny

to experience “skinny privilege”

to feel cold in summer

to see my ribs

for people to worry about me

to have control over at least one thing in my life

to never be the “fat” friend

to not have to worry when being carried

being able to lean on “him” without worrying im too heavy:/

being able to wrap my fingers around my arms

for baggy clothes to actually look good on me

to be the smallest in the room

for all the jealousy other girls will feel when they see me

to be the center of attention

to not be asked to stop eating cause its late

to feel super light

to be told i look different

so i dont have to cry about my weight anymore

to be smaller than everyone who’s ever talked shit about me

being able to be mini

knowing i eat less than others

fitting into clothes that my friends cant fit into

for xs skits to be too big on me

needing to get my clothes tailored because they’re too big

to be the “winner” against others with eds(this ones kind of toxic ik:/)

to be able to pull off mini skirts and having long thinspo legs

to be proud when i step onto the scale

so my thighs dont touch when i sit down

relatives asking if ive lost weight

not feeling lazy

for people around me not to tell me maybe i should eat less

to be lighter than one of my friends thats lwk thinspo

no double chin

the compliments<333

not having to spend my money on food

losing my period

to be the skinny friend

visible bones

to feel weightless

for people to say “wow you’re so light”

not to have to worry when i sit on someones lap

to look like tumblr thinspo girl

to wear low rise pants and feel confident

to be known for being “healthy”

for people to say “thats all you’re going to eat?”

for my stomach to shrink so i feel full after a small portion

to finally get the attention ive always wanted

to finally feel like ive proved myself

to finally feel so weak that i faint from malnutrition

to have pretty thin fingers

to run out of breath from doing easy tasks

to be treated like im delicate ~like a doll

pretty collarbones omlll

for my stomach to shrink where i cant binge anymore

to be able to wrap my hands around my thighs so they touch

to look like THAT girl when im on vacation

for a pretty neck that looks amazing with small necklaces

to finally feel disgusted with junk food or greasy food

even though i dont like skinny jeans, to look good in them

for the tightest bracelet settings to be loose on me

for my hands to be cold all the time

to see my shoulder bones

for one size clothes to be baggy on me (like brandy melvile)

for girls to ask me how i did it

to have that small snatched waist

to know i finally beat hit my ugw after so long

to feel like i finished something.

to feel good enough

to be perfect.

#tw ana thoughts #whyiwantmyugw #edthings #ed not ed sheeran #an0rexic #tw ana things #an0r3xic #tw ed in the tags #eating problems #i want to be a skeleton #restrictive ed #th1n$po #4n0r3x14 #3dblr #th!n$p0 #3atingdisord3r

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vtoriacore-rbs · 8 months

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tw. ed + whatever the fuck is wrong w me in general. id actually advise against reading this but this helps get things off my chest.

me slipping back into old ed habits bc my intrusive thoughts actually ended up triggering me 💀💀💀 i went on a 2 day fast and only had mineral water and i feel both proud and horrified that ive allowed myself to do that so now im eating healthy things to kinda make up for it but anyways i weighed myself too even tho i said i wouldn't. like i know i shouldn't feel happy over the fact i starved and weakened my body on purpose but it feels nice to stick to something and actually have some discipline back in my life.

had a breakdown too earlier for no reason (altho im on my period so maybe that's why, fuck you uterus btw there is no us only u someone remove this thing PLEASE). like bro some bitch in college also was telling me how she was losing weight and she deadass told me that my ribcage sticking out was so aesthetic and it just enabled me, we only spoke 3 times before that and im pretty sure she has an ed too bc she kept trying to get my measurements??? she also said she'd sacrifice two of her ribs to get a waist like mine and i know she meant it as a compliment but i wanted to cry and felt low-key ashamed like i hate when people point out my physical appearance and i was stretching i didn't even mean for my shirt to go higher up it was so uncomfy. it's weird tho cause when i starve myself i feel happy abt it but when other people point it out and praise me for it i get really mad. maybe it's bc i discourage eds and im very pro-recovery but anyways that was a weird comment™ i think it played into the breakdown. she tried grabbing my wrist several times and i told her to stop trying to touch me but she wouldn't stop either and was like "just for a second please" like i felt so icky bc of that too like bitch hands off before i retaliate <3 so yeah now im trying to eat again but honestly i feel like im gonna throw up bc i didn't eat for 2 days lmao and the entire day today i felt so dizzy. like yesterday was fine but today ?? no. my muscles hurt so bad so im gonna have a 50g protein shake too ugh im so tired. gonna try get up to 1000 kcal at least and make the deficit up over the weekend bc my stomach physically hurts when i try to eat (but this strawberry yogurt bangs even tho im half full already).

ive been slipping back into an ed mindset over the last month tho even with my binges and i just wanna look ill enough for one of my doctors finally tell me im underweight enough they didn't even acknowledge i was severely underweight 3-4 years ago that felt so humiliating and now im thinking along the lines of "i need to be a better anorexic" even tho its fucked up and like im trying to just snap myself out of this mindset but it's not working so im gonna have to get a therapist potentially. bc i don't want my organs and bones failing but at the same time, i wanna make sure doctors take me seriously this time and maybe it'll be a fucking reminder to take eds seriously. it actually pisses me off hos insensitive some doctors are about eds and the fact they indirectly fucking allow it sometimes too like. just bc im not in a critical condition and only like 3/4kgs underweight doesn't mean i don't have an ed or that it isn't "severe enough" smh this annoys me so much.

if you read it up to here don't worry ill be fine, a bitch always pulls thru and these are just momentary lapses in judgement im not letting mental illness win im too fucking good for this (<- motivating myself kinda feel better after writing this NGL).

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spicesweet · 16 days

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Helloo, im looking for advice and your blog seems like a safe place but feel free to ignore if that's too much/out of your depth

So I never got diagnosed with an ed but I did ballet in my formative tears (4yo til 11) and as such I started 'caring' about my weight/stature very early (recently found journal entries from when I was 6 and I was measuring my waist every night). When I had my first smartphone I obv downloaded every 'health' app I could find (lifesum, movesum, whatever, I probably had it at one point), but after hs I got into a bad depressive episode but one of the upside is that I decided to eat what felt good and not just focus on random cals. Recently I decided to get back in shape and well, let's say that it started innocently but I ended with myfitnesspal back on my phone. And like. I'm trying again but just, how do you do it? Bc even when I wasn't counting cals I still categorised every meal into good or bad, I always planned what I was going to eat and like, is there a way to not center my life around food?

Sorry for the rant but I'm just so frustrated and sad with myself

Sending you love 💞

first of all, thank you so much for trusting me with this. this is in fact a safe space, and I'm glad it shows ♡

your message actually tugged at my heartstrings, because I relate to this so much! in one way or another, since I was a kid, I've orbited around food more than any other topic. even now, when I'm doing better than ever, I'm healthy and strong and honestly the closest I've ever been to my ideal, dream body, food is still something I'll spend a lot of time thinking about. disordered eating behaviors are hard to move on from exactly because food is central to our lives! it's the most basic need any animal has, regardless of what "food" means to that animal, and we're no different.

for me, I was tired. I spent my entire life loathing myself, feeling disgust and hatred that consumed me and at the same time paralyzed me, caused me to be unable to change. but life kept happening, and eventually I was in a completely new circumstance that allowed me to very slowly change my relationship with food. I have no shame in admitting that I don't know if it would've happened if I didn't have my man with me, because he made me want to do better, be better and healthier so I could stand proud next to him. I didn't want him to date a sick girl who would only have limitations to present him. but I do believe it would've happened eventually, just slower, maybe.

but to answer your actual question, how I do it, I think it's sort of like battling an addiction. you can't really ever take your foot off the pedal, relax and just think that if you get a little better, it'll be forever and you'll never have to worry about it coming back. I think having an eating disorder in your teens is so much harder because everything is impulsive, immediate, instant, including our expectations. now that I'm past that, I can understand that being extreme and hardcore doesn't last, but smaller actions add up. my commitment to myself and my health is a forever deal, and at the same time, I'm only concerned about today. I think my disordered eating behaviors are an addiction for me, because as much as I know how harmful they are, I also do find comfort in them. they do serve me, in lots of way, like addictive substances do. so I don't ever let my guard down around them, and I each day I wake up focused on keeping them away for the day. I don't bother with tomorrows and yesterdays, only today, only the next time.

and don't get me wrong: I still plan my meals ahead, I still get guilty often, I still regret eating this and that often. it's not a perfect system, and I think accepting and understanding that is also a part of the reason why I've been healthier. I'm not looking for a perfect lifestyle or a perfect relationship with food, but rather a sustainable one, and there's no room for obsession, self-loathing, impulsiveness and nonchalantry when it comes to sustainability. there's a lot of planning, watching out, discipline and understanding instead.

I think that if you identify disordered eating behaviors in your story, I think it's okay to understand that it is and will probably always be a big piece of your life, and even more okay that you'll have to treat this topic with special attention. I can't tell you how this special attention will go because that's literally a self-discovery problem, but it's about finding out what purpose the behaviors are serving and then finding a way to replace them with sustainable, flexible and accessible ones. you just need to investigate what these mean to you. to me, it means mainly a lot of reading about health and a lot of cooking and learning about nutrition and a lot of hours on top of a treadmill. eventually, if you're patient with yourself, embracing low moments but not giving up, not rushing your process, not expecting immediate results, I know you'll eventually find your healthy. ⁠♡

#loveletters #advice

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itsluhhhhh · 1 year

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My success story

…………………………………………………………

Backstory/about me: So I’ve never posted on here before but i wanted to share my success story cause I’m insanely proud of myself and I wanna be able to motivate people to get their desires, just an introduction my names Alesha, im 15, im Italian and Brazilian and live in Australia, I got into manifestation in 2020 when law of attraction was popular I tried that but tbh I gave up but in 2021 I started learning about the law of assumption and that’s when I really got into it, tbh in 2022 I was a lazy bitch I didn’t affirm nothing and I was really depressed but I promised myself in 2023 everything would be different. All I did was affirm and persist I literally just persisted and persisted even when i didn’t have enough energy to do anything.

Appearance

I literally manifested a huge glow up and looking like my desired self WITHIN A WEEK mind you I never wanted to look like anyone else my desired self was just me but 10x better and with a few different features and y’all I literally had a huge glow up idk how I had this big of a glow up I was not expecting it and I look exactly how I’ve always wanted to look, I manifested black 3a/3b curly hair that’s super bouncy and perfect little ringlets and so shiny 😍, I manifested like insanely clear skin like my skin looks fake an I have tanned skin naturally and my skin tone is completely even now, my lips are a lot more juicy now and smooth, my waist is tiny and my ribcage even smaller, my butt is a-lot bigger now and I’m naturally skinny so it was always harder for me to gain weight but my butt is so big 🤭 and I got those sexy ass Kendall Jenner type legs now, I manifested like perfect eyebrows, my eyebrows literally look like they were just freshly waxed and my eyebrows are so full and arched now I love them, I manifested the curliest thickest LONGEST EYELASHES omfg my eyelashes look FAKE cus of how long and thick they are I deadass had my friend ask where I got my eyelashes done, I manifested getting my braces off and having the most perfect, straight, white, healthy teeth and the prettiest smile and I manifested being insanely gorgeous and pretty

Dream Life

I literally manifested my dream life, Im popular asf now and we haven’t even started back at school yet (in Australia we start school again January 30th) so I still have a week left of my school holidays and I’m so popular now I’ve got people asking to hangout everyday even tho I decline cus i hate going out 😭 and I’m literally everyone’s favourite now, I’m the family favourite and my friends favourite and idk how to describe it my life just keeps getting better and better like my life genuinely improves in every aspect every single day, my home life is perfect like we all get along and we have the best time ever, they are so lenient and chill I’m deadass allowed to do whatever I want and I’m talking to my desired person again but I’m gonna manifest having a secret relationship with him cus i don’t want anyone knowing 🤭 I’ve got my first job and bitch I’m making BANK im making a lot of money 😫 and my life has just genuinely gotten so much fucking better

Mindset

Pretty simple, I manifested a perfect mindset, a perfect self concept, I rarely get negative thoughts anymore I’ve got a very clear mind like I can think really clearly now and I know my power cus well I literally manifested all my desires like it was nothing, I manifest anything I want instantly, I’m a master manifester etc

If I can do it u can do it too trust me Ik what it feels like to not be motivated or have enough energy to get out of bed and ik what it feels like to be anxious and depressed but it is so so worth it when u finally start living the life u deserve and it can be hard at times but as long as u persist you’ll get there it’s literally law, there’s no point moping around being a victim because no one else is gonna fix ur life and manifest ur desires for u, it’s all up-to you. Anyways I hope this post motivated you to persist for ur desires, have great 😽 love y’all 🫶🏼

#affirm #affirmations #law of assumption #loassumption #manifestation #manifesting #neville goddard #self concept #success story

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vampireexia · 1 year

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doing this cuz its fun LOL

1. 158cm and 61kg

2. 158cm :3c I wish I was taller,,

3. god I wish I had a flat stomach and visible ribs

4. Constantly dizzy

5. im doing it for me and my crush, I believe I will be more likeable when im thinner, i also want to prove that I can be thinnest in the family and skinny in general.

6. yes, I had BED when i was 14 and its stuck around, im mostly bulimic atm with attempts at restricting

7. they don't know! They just think I randomly lose weight every summer LOL

8. abs and thighs atm, mostly leg lifts, then yoga and anything to help constipation, oh and jumping rope and walking for tons of calories burned

9. god yes, I know I look disgusting when im heavier but damn, can people keep it to themselves...

10. My joy for cooking

11. idk i like any bonespo twitter account :3c

12. Lots of fruits and vegetables, thats the main part of my diet

13. unhealthy LOL, ive never been able to lose weight in a healthy way

14. 45kg, ive had that goal since I was 11 but I hope to reach it this year <3

15. im vegan! been for 7 years now! it def helps me lose weight I think

16. when i was around 10 or 11 :] saw the number 45kg and,, been addicted ever since

17. yes lol

18. fatty foods,, like chips,, i can never stop eating them if I start

19. yesterday :")

20. Mid restriction with a focus on fibres

21. usually small in tops and medium in bottoms atm

22. 46kg :")) damn I miss that weight, i gained because i recovered lol

23. YES, Especially victoria secret models,, and nickelodeon actors were SO thin I was so sad and confused why i didnt look like them

24. I feel like they are for anyone who has an ED and doesnt want to recover yet :]

25. Yes im a big time purger, first times i barely got anything up but felt sooo proud, first time i got most of it up was magical, forever love you carbonated beverages and icecream

26. fitting into clothes and looking amazing, getting compliments, being able to cosplay again and look good, have my mind shut up for once

27. I eated it.... :( or purge/ chew and spit

28. YES! i would love it i would look so gorgeous

29. im actually really accepting of everyone being beautiful :") just not me LOL, for myself ill be beautiful when im skinny

30. i grew up in germany, i own a cat, im the skinniest in my family,im second tallest in my family, im nonbinary and bi, ive never been healthy abt weighloss, im always a big time purger i barely can restrict, i got to my lowest weight by restricting tho, I love doing questionaires all in one go so my stats are still the same, I suffer from OCD which is very related to my ED :]

#Thinspo challenge #tw ed #anorexia #bulimia #mia #promia

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thestarsofpines · 9 months

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okay depression time. rant and possibly triggering stuff ahead

i see all this amazing art of hijack and vld and all i think of is how i feel my art has stagnated over the years, especially after graduation from college. i try hard to turn that jealousy into inspiration but fuck it’s hard. especially seeing how young some of these amazing artists are and it just makes me feel…like ive missed my time, i guess. im so proud of these artists, but jealousy is a bitch and i wish i could fully eradicate it from my being

jealousy makes me feel gross.

i know i need to just, keep drawing but it’s hard too, i guess i’m in an art block because very few of my sketches i even want to try and finish. and those that i do i don’t like the end product, so it feels like a waste but i know it’s not!! i know it’s productive to keep drawing and practicing but…i don’t know. i don’t know what to do to make myself happy with my art. practice yes obviously but i feel like i want to draw in so many different ways and do different things and try stuff way above my skill level

i’m just tired, man. like, of life in general. job searching is hell, student loans start up soon and without a source of income outside of unemployment im so stressed about that. i’m switching doctors for my mental health stuff because i’m on six different meds and none are really helping enough to the point that i don’t want to not exist. like, i don’t actively want to kill myself, but i also don’t want to be here, existing as i am. and that scares me to admit, obviously. i’ve stopped cutting but i still scratch and hit myself when i get overwhelmed with emotion, and don’t even get me started on my perception of myself. i hate how much weight i’ve gained and how little i’m motivated to change my habits to combat it. i want to be healthy but i don’t have the energy to put in the work to make my lifestyle better.

this got way off topic and honestly made me upset but i guess it’s better than bottling it up. my dad is here for one more day before he flies back to ohio and part of me wants him to stay because he helps me keep on track with job searching and eating regular meals and not sleeping all morning. but i know he needs to go back home to my mom and that i need to be a damn adult and do this shit on my own. i’m 26 for fucks sake. but here i am back on tumblr like i was when i was 16.

…at least now i can drive. i got over that fear out of pure necessity by making myself move multiple states away for a job i wasn’t even in love with. so like, i know i can overcome shit, i don’t know how looking back to be honest. i feel like i need a kick like that again but i don’t think i’m mentally stable enough for that.

fuck this just made me feel worse. mostly. ugh.

#shut up lily #shut up sage #trigger warning #tw: mental health #tw: sucidal thoughts

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noodlecupcakeswritings · 1 year

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A Second Chance - Chapter 12 (LokiXOC)

After the snap and losing her husband, Raven tries to settle on New Asgard with Thor and Valkyrie. But even after losing Loki twice before this time around doesn’t make it any easier. Until a variant of Loki shows up looking for her. Could this be the second chance they both need?

AN: Yes I managed two chapters in a day. And Im super proud of myself for it :D

Warnings: Fluff, Feels, Sexual thoughts, Sexual tension, A touch of angst

Chapter 12

Raven

A few weeks later,

Loki had been doing his part around the village, helping where he could. It was nice to see him being more hands-on instead of hiding away in the cottage. And I had to admit, I was even starting to enjoy his company more. We were friendly most days too; we hadn’t had any more arguments. Even Ginger had warmed to him. Ginger was almost at a healthy weight, but that probably wouldn’t stop me from spoiling him when he did hit his goal weight.

That night I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned for the best part of two hours before giving up trying to sleep. With a frustrated sigh, I sat up and turned the bedside lamp on. Normally, I would spend sleepless nights on the couch watching horror movies before eventually passing out. But with Loki on the couch, I couldn't do that anymore. It wouldn’t be fair if he was asleep to go out there and disturb him.

I played around on my phone for another hour before hearing the creek of floorboards from outside. Perhaps he was awake after all. And maybe that wouldn’t make me feel so guilty. Putting my phone down, I wrapped myself in a robe and exited my bedroom. Ginger followed me, not wanting to be left on his own. I found Loki with his head in the fridge for a midnight snack. When he heard my footsteps, he quickly closed the fridge door, as if he hadn’t just been caught red-handed.

“If you’re hungry, I don’t mind you getting a snack,” I reassured him. “I didn’t wake you, did I?” He asked. “No. I couldn’t sleep.” “Oh, what do you usually do when you can’t sleep?” “Watch horror movies for the night. But I don’t want to stop you from getting sleep or take up the couch.” “I don’t mind, if that’s what helps, we can stay up together.” “Are you sure?”

“I insist. Go choose some movies to watch and get comfortable. I’ll handle snacks.” A soft smile spread across my face, and I walked over to my collection, scanning the various titles. Glancing back at Loki, I pondered my choices. “Is there anything you haven’t seen that you want to watch?” I asked. “I have no clue where I would even start. You’re the expert and I trust your judgement. Maybe pick something from each subgenre and we’ll go from there.”

My smile grew at his words. He seemed interested, or at least willing to indulge me. It was a nice feeling. I placed my choices on the coffee table, ready to give a brief synopsis of each film and what subgenre it belonged to. Loki returned to the living room, putting an assortment of snacks on the coffee table. He’d covered everything, popcorn, chips, fruit gummies and chocolate. Loki pondered the choices before picking up Nightmare on Elm Street 3: The Dream Warriors.

“This is your favourite, right?” He asked with a knowing smile. I didn’t recall telling him that, but then it occurred to me that perhaps it was his Raven’s favourite movie, too. “Yeah,” I replied. “It was hers too. She could go on for hours about how much she loved it.” Loki didn’t seem sad as he reminisced this time. The memory had even made him smile. Putting the movie on, we then got comfortable on the couch. Loki threw a blanket over our laps before shovelling popcorn into his mouth.

For the duration of the movie, we mostly stayed silent. Only making small comments here and there. When the credits rolled, Loki looked at the remaining choices. “So, we’ve covered the slasher genre. What would you recommend next?” Loki asked. Leaning forward, I considered the options. There was almost a sense of pressure to make sure I picked something good. I glanced between Suspiria and Funny Games. Witches in a ballet studio or a psychological home invasion. Both were the originals instead of the remakes. Although I did own both remakes. Picking up both, I gave Loki a quick rundown of both movies' plots so that he could make a choice.

He picked Suspiria, intrigued by the witches. Switching the DVDs, I then got myself comfortable again on the couch. Focusing on the movie, I made a grab for popcorn. My hand brushed against Loki’s. I didn’t recoil, opting to play it cool and moving my hand to the other side of the bowl. But I couldn’t deny the spark I felt just from his hand against mine. It was like my body realised just how touch starved I was. I tried to force those feelings back down, but then his knee was resting against mine under the blanket.

I know I would have said something two months ago, I would have moved to the other end of the couch. But now it didn’t feel so awkward or uncomfortable. A part of me wanted more. Loki put his arm over the back of the couch, making himself more comfortable. Would I have protested if he had put his arm around me instead? Maybe, maybe not. It felt like the tension was building between us; I didn’t know if he was feeling the same tension. But it felt like I was waiting for something to happen. Would I make a move? Would he?

I did my best to focus on the movie, but my thoughts started to run away with me. One of us could easily lean over and kiss the other. I could climb over and straddle him, or he could lay me back on the couch and… Fucking hell, I needed to get a grip. I suppose I couldn’t deny that I had feelings for him anymore. Whether they were romantic or sexual, I wasn’t entirely sure yet. They could be both.

We made it through another two movies before my eyes started to feel heavy. I rubbed them, trying to stay awake. There were just twenty minutes left of the film and then I’d head to bed. I could make it. I rested my eyes for a few seconds, but it was a few seconds too long and I quickly fell asleep.

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When I awoke the next day, I knew it was likely going to be late in the morning, but that was okay. A blanket covered me, but I wasn’t in my bed. I was still on the couch with my head resting in Loki’s lap. I bolted upright, my cheeks flushed red with embarrassment. “I am so sorry,” I apologized quickly. The last thing I wanted to do was give him mixed signals. Even if that had been the best night’s sleep I’d had in years. I should have gone to bed when I felt tired. Instead, I’d fallen asleep on Loki and probably complicated this situation further.

“It’s fine, I didn’t want to wake you considering you were struggling to sleep before,” Loki replied. Loki stood to stretch his legs, considering they’d probably gotten stiff a while ago from me sleeping on him. He headed off to the bathroom, leaving me with Ginger. I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t mad at him for letting me sleep, but I was mad at myself for doing so. Now he was probably planning to ask where this left us, and I didn’t have an answer for him. I looked at Ginger as if expecting an answer, but he only offered a soft meow in response.

Letting out a frustrated sigh, I forced myself off the couch and began to clean up the coffee table from last night. After putting the DVDs back in alphabetical order in the cabinet, I then put back the leftover snacks. I changed in my bedroom before waiting for Loki to finish in the bathroom so I could clean my teeth. Once I was ready for the day, I attempted to sneak out of the cottage and avoid the subject. No such luck as Loki had made breakfast.

“Can we talk before you go to work?” He asked. Fuck. I gave him a soft nod, ready to start apologizing all over again as I sat down at the table with him. “I’m sorry if I’ve overstepped. I should have woken you up and sent you to bed,” Loki apologized. I frowned at him, “no, Loki. You don't need to apologise; this is all me. I fell asleep on you; you just likely didn't want to wake me and suffer the consequences." “Are you sure?”

“Yep. You did nothing wrong.” Loki breathed a sigh of relief, as if the conversation had turned out better than he expected. “That’s probably the best night’s sleep I’ve had in years,” I spoke. No sooner the words came out I regretted them, hoping they didn’t sound too forward or romantic or imply anything. “I’m glad you got some much deserved rest,” he paused as if thinking about his next words carefully, “I know I’m not him and I can’t step into his shoes, but I am here if you need me.”

Heat spread across my cheeks, and a fluttery feeling filled my stomach. Anxiously, I picked at my nails. That had almost sounded like a love declaration. “Thank you, Loki. I appreciate that,” I replied softly. We ate breakfast in silence. Once finished, I headed out to find Valkyrie for help unpicking my feelings. I was glad to be out of the cottage and away from the mounting tension. I checked the town hall first, finding her and Miek looking over new blueprints. “Raven, can you take a look at these? We need your opinion on the new build,” she motioned me over.

Heading over, I shot her a look that I hoped she’d understand. I wanted us to talk alone. Val glanced between Miek and I before nodding softly. “Miek, can you give us a few minutes? Maybe grab us some coffee,” Val suggested. Miek clicked in response before leaving the two of us alone. I gave it a few minutes before telling Val about last night and this morning. “Wow, okay. That’s a lot. I understand you don’t want to lead him on because you say you’re not ready for a relationship or whatever. But have you thought that maybe you are? I’m not saying your time with our Loki meant nothing, and this Loki is going to replace him. But do you think our Loki would want you unhappy for the rest of your life? To not find love again?” Val asked bluntly.

I picked at my nails again as I thought about it. “I don’t know what I want. I had my mind set on one thing for a while and then he came and turned everything on its head,” I replied. I had to be vague to avoid an awkward conversation with Val. I didn’t need her pity, and I didn’t need to upset her. “Do you want him in your life or not? We both know every version of Loki would wait for you forever if you asked,” Val continued. “Of course, I want him in my life. I just…”

Val placed a comforting hand on my shoulder, “it’s okay to be happy again. It’s okay to fall in love again.” I knew she was right. I just needed to find a way to let go and stop clinging to the past and all the regrets and the what ifs, what could have been.

Taglist: @jana-banana-fana, @fictionaljunkie, @kittyofalltrades, @ozymdias, @n3rdybirdee

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compassionatereminders · 1 year

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A little vent, ignore if you want:

So I have adhd and I’ve been on meds since I was very young. I’ve tried just about every med on the market during that time. But when I was in middle and high school, I developed an eating disorder and started using my meds as appetite suppressants, even lying to my psych about them not working well enough so she’d give me higher doses. I figured out what I was doing wasn’t healthy toward the end of high school when it sent me to the emergency room and made an effort to significantly reduce my med usage. Through college, I gradually reduced how often I took them and worked on improving my body image accepting my weight. It’s now been about 7 years since I’ve taken any adhd meds and I think I’m in a much better place, but if I’m being honest, my ed will probably never completely go away. Things can still trigger it, even if I have better tools to cope with it now. The problem is, I’m trying to get my masters degree now so I can get enough money to live on in my field, but being back in school has been an uphill battle. Without adhd meds, getting work done is a massive struggle. I’ve researched currently available meds to see if there was anything new that might not be an appetite suppressant, but I haven’t found anything. I just don’t want to risk going back on meds and relapsing. Im trying not to blame myself for the choices I made as a kid, but it’s hard not to be bitter that I’ve ruined what could have been a valuable tool for the rest of my life. One of the most annoying parts is that I’ve never met anyone else with adhd who has dealt with the same thing. I’ve been in multiple adhd groups and talked to people online and I’m always the only person who will never be able to medicate and it feels really alienating.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation stuck between a rock and a hard place, but I just want to say that I am so proud of you for working through your eating disorder and prioritizing your physical health even though it means that there are meds you can't use anymore. That is incredibly impressive and you deserve to be really proud of yourself for getting to this point of recovery. And I hope that you will continue to find more tools and strategies that will allow you to cope better with the ADHD without medication, but it is okay that this is still a work in progress and that it will take time and patience. You are doing a great job. I am proud and very impressed

#chat with kat #eating disorders tw #food issues tw #hospital tw #health risk tw

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parental-figure · 7 months

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Hi hi~ Been a long time since I visited you!! I missed you ☺️ I hope you're doing good!

TW: brief mentions of ED

I ate a real breakfast for the first time in months!! I've been in recovery and I think I'm doing a pretty good job. I gained some weight and lost some, but my doctor said I'm a healthy weight again!! I'm really proud of myself 😁 I just wanted to share that with you

- 🐣

aw hey kiddo! been awhile, i missed you too :) im doing pretty good! and oh my gosh, thats amazing!! you are doing very well and im so so proud of you! thank you for sharing with me, im glad you're getting healthier!

#parental figure #parental caretaker #comfort #agere caregiver #agere #age dreaming #sfw agere #age regression #asks #eating disoder trigger warning #eating disoder recovery #tw ed

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biglovenrgy · 2 years

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10 day challenge results *ೃ༄

hey yall! sorry i forgot to update lol. so many shit went down, so i couldn't really update. i realised that once i stop affirming, my life gets back to how it used to be, even though i don't consciously think negative thoughts. so i decided to work on the affirmation that i don't even need to affirm anymore, but i needed some motivation before doing so here's my results! here's the things i manifested :

long lashes ::

hehe im so proud of this one. i rlly had doubts ab it, like how can i just grow them longer by just affirming? but I SERIOUSLY did. i always apply Vaseline on my lashes but it never worked. once i saw a comment on pinterest it said "omg Vaseline made my lashes grow like CRAZY!" i was like why not me? lol. so i just flipped my thoughts and said that it works wonders + i already have the most perfect lashes. now i actually do guys!! they got sooo much longer!

clear skin ::

guyssss. my skin has NEVER been this clear. I've struggled SO MUCH since like last year. i had severe maskne around my chin and cheeks, but never on my forehead. it was sooo confidence-ruining and i hated it so much. I've been affirming since forever, but this time I'm actually happy with how it looks! i don't even wear concealer anymore!!

weight loss ::

this didn't happen during the challenge, but the other day i weighed myself and actually lost 2kgs!(no diet, no exercise, no extra water, in fact i had the worst routine ever) i didn't care much ab this but i will get more serious now and lose more!

amazing hair ::

omgg. i love loa so much. i hated my hair since forever. in middle school i straightened it sooo often. it got heat damage. so internet said that heat damage cannot be repaired, but guess what? my hair is totally and absolutely healthy rn. no joke. like I used to feel so insecure ab it but now I'm just soo happy with it. plus, i manifested any style looking good, and i cut it and it looked amazing! I'm gonna keep playing with it lol

healthy, long nails ::

soo happy ab this one, cuz my nails used to break a lot. not one breaking or chipping since i affirmed! plus, they suddenly GREW SO MUCH i was so shocked. i mean there wasn't any movement the first couple days, but one day i just checked them and they were sooo long!

money ::

hehe. love this one too. my dad constantly gives me money, and so does my mom! plus i got so much money from tarot readings!

honorable mentions ::

improved german ✅

learned chess!!! ✅

got used to waking up early ✅

singing voice got SO much better✅

#3dolc x roe #3dolc challenge #affirmations #law of assumption #affirmdaily #affirmyourlife #loassumption #neville goddard #sammy ingram #tarot

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