#im not a professional though (YET) so please take all of my advice with a grain of salt | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dalamjisung · 4 years

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let’s get physical ❃ jackson wang

word count: 8064

genre: hospital!au, fluff

pairing: physical therapist!jackson x fighter!reader

description: things are not all that great; how do you tell that to the person that’s only seen you smiling? or the one in which you are a professional MMA fighter and Jackson happens to be your escape from everything.

“One more, let’s go!” Coach shouts and holds the punching bag more firmly. “Don’t stop now, Y/N, just one more minute!”

You gather all the energy left in your body, punching and kicking to your heart’s content. You’ve been training for the past three hours, as you usually do; you’ve been at this routine for years now, since your debut as an MMA fighter. Wake up, train, go home, train some more, sleep, and do it all over again. You had nothing to complain, really– still undefeated, you were the most feared opponent in the octagon.

“And… time!” You finish with a roundhouse kick and allow your body to fall on the mat, breathing harsh and fast. “Come on, go take a shower and ice your muscles. You know better than to wait too long.”

“Yes, Coach!” You shout animatedly, excited to go home and get some sleep.

“And don’t forget that instead of training, you have physical therapy tomorrow!” He says while packing things up. “We need to get that knee back to perfection before the match in the end of the month.”

You nod and run to the dressing room, gathering your things before Coach changes his mind and makes you stay for extra stretching. It was rare for him to be so forgiving of your free time, but ever since you took a kick to the knee that sent you to the hospital, Coach has been taking it easier on you– the fact that you were going home at all was proof enough.

As always, you sleep like a rock, your body and your mind too tired to even dare and keep you awake. After a warm shower, your eyes basically close on their own and, as per usual, you don’t even climb into your bed, content with just laying on a comfy mattress on top of your blankets. It usually ends up with you cold and sneezing the next morning, but it’s nothing some warm coffee couldn’t fix. You make sure your mug is heated with hot water so that it will not interfere with your precious and much needed body heat. You have just enough time to eat some toast and throw a hoodie over your leggings, grabbing your wallet and prescription glasses on the way. Listening to music while walking, you make your way to the clinic, ready for the pain you know is about to come. The hit had been quite hard and they couldn’t do much at the time besides prescribe you a lot of physical therapy and some pain medicine; the attending physician had been a resident and not really sure of what he was doing, yet you still smiled and thanked him for his hard work, going home dejected.

“Y/N!” You hear someone shout excitingly. You look to the side to see Jackson coming out of the bathroom, smiling widely. “Back for more?”

You laugh. You met Jackson when you started getting medical attention for your knee, a few months ago; coincidently, he was also receiving physical therapy. According to him, he hurt his shoulder while fencing and that made his job a little hard– but that is the extend of what you know about this man. He is a chatterbox, that is undeniable, but it never gets personal– on either sides. He knows your name and that you hurt yourself training, but he doesn’t know what you were training or when it happened… you refer to him as your physical therapy friend.

“I just couldn’t stay away for too long,” You wink at him, ignoring the fact that you looked as if you had just woken up. “I missed you too much.”

“Careful or I might just fall in love with you,” He chuckles and you two walk to the resting area.

The physical therapy room is basically a huge room with multiple beds and equipments, and somehow, you and Jackson always end up side by side. The instructors chat with you two and although you follow instructions to the letter, Jackson seems to have a mind of his own, moving freely in the room and using the equipments he seems to like. You look at your own instructor and he just shrugs, continuing to guide you through the exercise for your knee. An hour later you are done and ready to go home, knowing that today Coach wouldn’t bother your for the rest of the day.

“Y/N!” Your instructor calls. “Your knee is really improving! I’m happy with the results today.”

“Ah, that’s so good to hear,” You sigh, relived. “I have a match in the end of the month and I hope to be all healed up by then.”

“I’m sure we can make it happen!” He high fives you. “Don’t forget to get us tickets for your big comeback!”

“I won’t!” You smile and make your way outside. It is still cold but now there is a light drizzle that makes you shiver a bit, the noise almost lulling you to sleep.

“What match?” Jackson asks, and you notice he’s been outside, waiting by the door.

“Nothing too important,” You lie, chuckling a bit. “Have you been waiting for me, Jacks?”

“Oh, yeah,” He smiles wide, but it still doesn’t hide the blush that covers his cheeks. “I was thinking you might want to join me for some coffee? I don’t have work for another couple of hours, so…”

“Careful,” You joke, throwing his previous words back at him. “ Or I might just think you’ve fallen for me, already.”

He just rolls his eyes and starts walking.

————————

“What you want?” Jackson asks looking at the pastries a little bit too seriously. He frowns and examines each one.

“Just a latte,” You say, not really hungry for anything yet.

“You have to eat something,” He chastises and you just stare at him as he confidently walks up to the counter, skipping the long line forming and screams the order. “One latte, one Americano, and two chocolate scones, please!”

“How many times do I have to tell you to get in line, Jackson?” The barista yells back, but getting his things ready nonetheless.

“What is the point of you dating one of my best friends if not for me to have the privilege to skip the line?” He dramatically says, laughing at her face. “And you know I don’t have much time, so let’s go!”

“I’m going to tell on you!” She laughs. “Jaebeom won’t be happy about you treating his girlfriend like this!”

“He loved me first,” Jackson winks and grabs his stuff. “But it on Jaebeom’s tab, please and thank you!

You manage to get a table and you just observe the show that Jackson puts on for the other people; he seems to enjoy the attention more than you’ll ever be comfortable with, no matter how many people watch you fight, it always made you uncomfortable. Once he makes his way back, eyes follow him– men laughing at his antics, girl commenting on his good looks… and you had to admit, Jackson is really handsome, although you think he is particularly attractive when he’s being silly and making you laugh. You aren’t blind– nor stupid. You know Jackson’s flirty jokes aren’t just jokes. You feel the tension as much as he does, but you know better than to cross that line– the line in which you know what he does and he knows what you do and he’s always on edge about you getting hurt and you’re always on edge about him breaking up with you once you chose your career over him– even though you really, really want to. You might be mirroring your past relationships on him, but it’s what you’ve always known. People don’t take MMA seriously enough; it’s either not a real job, or too dangerous of a job. There is no in between.

“Here you go,” He smiles, sitting in front of you.

“Thank you,” You say, taking a sip of what you just decided to be the best coffee of your life. “This is amazing!”

“I know,” He chuckles. “I’m always here when I’m not at work– my best friend’s grandmother owns the place and his girlfriend manages it. Those two will give Jaebeom gray hair sooner than we expected, but he deserves it.”

“They’re a handful?” You try to guess, giggling at the face he makes.

“Ms. Im completely ignores our medical advice and believes herself to be invincible… she is 82,” He deadpans and you completely miss the our medical advice part. “And his girlfriend, although always being there for him and honestly being one of the kindest people I know, always puts him in his place. It’s quite hilarious to watch; one day he gave her some attitude because of a bad thing that happened at work and she didn’t talk to him for five days. He was on his knees by the end of the week.”

“Oh damn,” You say, eyes wide. The girl behind the counter looks so sweet… it’s incredible what you find out about people once you actually get to know them. “I would’ve never guessed it, just by looking at her.”

“Oh, she’s crazy,” Jackson says with the utmost calm in his voice and you almost choke on your drink. “But we love her, so it’s okay.”

“What have I gotten myself into?” You mutter to yourself, looking at the man in front of you.

Jackson always looks so composed, everything he wears fitting him just right, everything he does looking just right, everything he touches being just right– and then he starts talking. And that’s the Jackson you know and adore; the one that says stupid things without a care in the world, the one that doesn’t look so damn perfect all the time. You think that you only see him that way because you barely know him, but got to know a version of him in which he’s comfortable and easy going.

“So,” He says, leaning a bit on the table. “Tell me more about how you messed up that pretty knee of yours.”

“Pretty knee?” You laugh, head thrown back and all. “Let me guess, you’re into knees?”

“That’s a talk for another time,” His eyes are intense and heavy on you, and you gulp, suddenly feeling hotter and hotter by the second.

“I– uh, I m-messed up at work,” You stutter out, blushing under his knowing smirk. “And here I am.”

“What do you work with?” He asks, sounding genuinely interested. “You never talk about it.”

“Neither do you,” You say defensively, managing to deflect the question towards him. “What do you work with, you mysterious man?”

“I’m actually a–“

“Jackson!” The barista shouts, extending her arm over the counter while holding her phone. “It’s Jaebeom; he’s saying it’s urgent!”

Without a word, Jackson sprints to the phone, attentively listening to the person on the other side, and after a few nods and ‘of course,’ he is walking back to you with a look you’ve never seen before on his face.

“I am really sorry, Y/N,” He smiles sadly, shoulders tense and forehead frowning. “I have to go, it’s urgent, but… can I see you again? Outside of the clinic?”

You are at a loss of words. To say you did not expect him to do this now would be an understatement– you didn’t expect him to do this ever. And you want to tell him that; you want to tell him no and explain that you don’t have the time nor the emotional stability to do that now, but you find yourself nodding, and then you find yourself typing your number on his phone, and then you find yourself alone, because in the end you always seem to find yourself alone.

————————

Coach is screaming behind you, hyping you up for another three minutes. A round lasts for five minutes, with one-minute breaks in between, but Coach always said you should be conditioned to fight for six minutes with thirty-second breaks in between. Better to be over prepared than to be under attack, he always said, and you always laughed with fond memories of the first time you heard him say that, when you still thought you could argue that his logic was flawed and that since you are a professional fighter, your job is basically being under attack.

“Let’s go, Y/N!” He shouts and you huff, a headache creeping in on you, and you know it will make you suffer later in the night. “Come on, Y/N, stronger! Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!”

“Argh!” You shout, falling down at the sound of the buzzer. “Goddammit!”

You hear Coach sigh. “What’s happening, kid?”

“Nothing…” You mutter, not wanting to admit it. You refused to.

“You seem to forget you can’t lie to me,” Coach laughs humorlessly. “I raised you since middle school; now let’s try again: what’s happening?”

And he’s right. Coach, also known as Hwang Jisung, had been your Physical Education teacher back in middle school, where he saw potential where everyone saw trouble. Because home had always been hectic, school was the place your aggression was misplaced, since it was a place in which aggression wasn’t a part of. Your mother left before you were old enough to even remember her face, and you father took alcohol as crutch, relying on it to get by, and even though you think he’s raised you well and the best way he could, Coach took the paternal role in your life after he saw you punching a kid in the face for speaking ill about your dad. Nowadays, your dad is doing better, having been sober for a couple of years, but Coach never left. And you are extremely thankful for it and him.

In the end, you tell all. You tell him about Jackson and about the growing tension in between you two, and about how you’re scared– scared that you’ll end up like you did after your last breakup, crying and angry for weeks. You are scared to be fooled again; and scared to fool him. But most of all, you are scared to put effort into something that will never have a future.

“I can’t do it again, Coach,” You mumble, stretching your hands above your head. “I can’t waste my time and energy like that ever again– not when I’m this close to the belt.”

“Sure,” Coach shrugs. “I hear you, kid, and I am happy to hear that dedication of yours… but also remember that you have a life outside the ring. You seem to forget that a lot, and it scares me, because if something happens and you have to stop fighting, I want you to have something to go back to.”

You nod, letting his words sink. Did you have something to go back to, besides an empty apartment with a bed neatly made?

No. You don’t think you did.

————————

Pick you up at 7.

That’s the last you hear from Jackson, a week after he left you at the coffee shop. In between practicing and shamelessly flirting at the physical therapy clinic, you two haven’t actually found a good time to go out, always missing each other by minutes. But tonight is the night, and there you are, in your living room, nervously pacing from one side to the other. The dress feels weird in your body; it’s been a while since you got dressed to look good, instead of just getting dress to practice. It felt good and odd at the same time– almost like a break from routine.

I’m here.

You take a deep breath and go to the elevator, impatiently waiting for it to get to your floor, and then back to the lobby, where you can see him and oh god he looks perfect– he looks literally flawless, what the actual fuck. Jackson is leaning on his car, white tshirt contrasting with his blue jeans, and he looks so good that you might just go back home and give up on all of this. But you can’t, because he sees you and then he’s not perfect anymore, because his eyes look like they are about to jump out of his face, like in a cartoon, and his incredulous laugh is a little too loud, and suddenly he is doubling over the car.

“You look too beautiful,” He breathes out, eyes sparkling a bit. “I can’t handle it.”

“Ya, you scared the shit out of me!” You shout, laughing. “I thought something was wrong!”

“If anything,” He says opening the car door for you. “Everything is just right.”

You blush and the date starts. It’s almost like following a script; you laugh at something he says, you flirt, you flirt some more, joke around, and everything is good. Jackson spills some wine on his shirt and instead of being embarrassed, he laughs it off and asks if you’re less nervous now.

“I fucked up already,” He explains, looking at you seriously, although you catch the mischievous glint in his eyes. “That means you have a Fuck Up Pass that can be used at any time.”

“That’s barely a fuck up,” You snort, pointing at the tiny stain. “But I’m not stupid– I’m taking that pass.”

“Planning on fucking up?” He laughs, finishing his cup. “You took the pass a bit too eagerly…”

“I just know myself,” Eyes down on your hands, the same hands that are too close to his, you admit. “I always end up fucking something up.”

“Oh,” He says dramatically, eyes moving to where yours look. He moves his hands on tops of yours and you cannot help but notice that no one ever held your hands like that before… this gently. “I can’t wait for it.”

Dinner goes by smoothly after that; Jackson keeps making jokes, and even decides to take a romantic stroll in the night market, under the excuse that he was still hungry. He buys both of you spicy tteokbokki and some chocolate filled bungeoppang, humming happily as you two walk hand in hand. You learn a lot about him, then; he has an older brother and a nice, whom he loves dearly, and before committing to medical school, because now you know he’s a doctor, he was on the path to be an olympic fencer. Jackson loves singing and dancing and he even demonstrates it, belting out to some random lyrics.

“What about you?” He asks, pulling you closer by the shoulder. The night market’s noise stay behind you as you walk in the direction of your apartment. “You know about my family, my job, my friends. I still know pretty much nothing about you.”

And this is the moment you hate the most in any date you’ve been. The moment you have to chose– do you want to tell him about your job, the one that includes punching people out of conscience? Or do you want to tell him about your chaotic childhood and the man you consider to be your father? Or, better yet, you could tell him about your failed past relationships that traumatized you for what you believe will be the rest of your life, making you insecure and afraid of yourself…

“There’s not much to say,” You shrug instead. “I’m not nearly as interesting as you.”

He laughs, but you know he’s not convinced. You two stop in front of your building and you ask him if he wants to come up for tea, and when he says yes, and walks in your apartment, and kisses you passionately, you know that sooner or later the things you hide will come out. But then he pushes you to your room and you think later might be a better time, anyways.

————————

The rain is not what wakes you up; but Jackson is. His arms, hidden under the covers you never use, are heavy around you and the weight, unfamiliar and too warm, make you wiggle in discomfort. Slightly throwing his arm to the other side, you hold a giggle as he groans, rolling to his side and allowing you to hug him instead; your leg finding a place to slot itself in-between his and your arm hugging his naked waist. You rest your forehead on his back and exhale in relief, finally comfortable… and then a phone ring. You are not sure if it’s yours or his, but he is the one that picks up, so you assume it’s not for you.

“What?” He groggily asks, hoarse voice doing things to your awakening body. “What?!”

Jackson shots up, and you almost roll out of the bed with the suddenness of it all.

“No, no no no, I’ll be there in fifteen!” He shouts, jumping around as he pulled his underwear up, looking for his pants next. “For fuck’s sake Jinyoung, cover for me just this time! I’ll be there soon, bye!”

“Is everything okay?” You ask, letting your head hit the pillow. Without his bodily warmth, the covers that miraculously cover your naked body offer you just the right amount of heat to lull you back to sleep.

“Yeah,” He hurriedly says. “I’m really sorry this is happening, oh my god, I completely overslept and it’s already 11 in the morning and work–“

“It’s what?!”

It takes only a few seconds for you to join him in the search for clothes, naked bodies brushing each other as you pass by him to reach your underwear. He gives you your t-shirt and you give him his jacket, and like that, you both get ready in record time, running out the door and to opposite directions, a wave as the only parting goodbye. You can only imagine what you looked like, running for your life to the gym, hoping that Coach won’t kill you for being three hours late. You know you are fucked as soon as you walk in and see him throwing punches in the bag.

“Coach–“

“One week until your comeback match,” He growls. “And you are slacking off?”

You expected this.

“I told you to get a life outside the ring, Y/N,” Coach says walking to you. “Not to replace it.”

“Sorry, Coach,” You mumble, frowning. “It won’t happen again.”

“It better not,” He grumbles. “Go stretch. You’re training an extra three hours for the time you made me wait.”

Well, this you didn’t expect.

“Did you eat?” He asks, already putting his jacket on. “You look like you just rolled out of bed…”

“I didn’t, Coach, sorry…” You look at him sheepishly, embarrassed with yourself. You were trained better than that.

“I’ll go grab something,” He says. “I want you fully stretched by the time I come back.”

To say that training was ruthless is an understatement. By the end of the six hours of stretching, and cardio, and weights, you could barely move. You were physically and mentally exhausted, and you just wanted to sit down and cry a little bit. You felt embarrassed and disappointed in yourself– losing track of the time because Jackson spent the night, what a ridiculous excuse; you were better then to let a crush take over you like that. You were also extremely confused and upset, knowing that he opened up to you, he managed to do it even though it probably wasn’t easy, and you can barely talk abut your family. You can’t talk about your friends because you don’t have many to begin with, and you refused to talk about your job, knowing what follows after. Aggressive. Heartless. Impulsive. Although you know better, it is almost impossible to ignore those words that hit you harder than any opponent you’ve faced in the octagon.

You think that after last night, you’d die if Jackson looked at your hands the way most people do; they are not weapons, you want to scream at people. They won’t hurt you! You still remember the way your ex-boyfriend flinched when you reached out to touch him during a fight. It’s not my fault, he told you; you hurt everyone you touch. You didn’t want to hurt Jackson; ever. Last night had been incredible– he reminded you of everything you seemed to have forgotten, everything that had been taken away from you. He treated you like a woman– he cared for you not because he thought you needed it, but because he wanted to… you could see it in his eyes as he held your hand when you were walking down the stairs, or the way he would hold the door for you. He didn’t regard you as incapable, but as independent. He didn’t see you as weak, but as precious. You could still feel the warm touch of his hands on yours, and you can’t help but want more. You want to feel like that forever.

But you can’t. Reality grounds you again when Coach starts going over your schedule for the next day; physical therapy, rest, train. You nod, promising to never be late again, and you begrudgingly move to get your things, body aching and tired. You finally have the chance to look at your phone, after six hours, and you see the five missed calls and numerous texts from Jackson; you call him immediately.

“Hello?” You say. “Jackson? Is everything okay?”

“Y/N! Hey,” He sounds relived, almost. “I’m so sorry if I freaked you out, but I forgot my wallet in your apartment and I just got out of an appointment… I was wondering if I could go pick it up?”

“Ah,” You hope you don’t sounds as disappointed as you feel, expecting him to say something more meaningful than that. Dream on, Y/N, you mock yourself internally. “I can take it to you, no problem. Text me your work address?”

“Oh, thank you so much,” He sighs, and you hear someone calling his name in the background. “See you soon!”

Dejected, you walk back to your place and you know exactly where his wallet in– sitting on the bedside table, where he left after he grabbed the condom.

“Come on, Y/N,” You say to yourself. “Stop acting like a fool. It was one night… just one night.”

You take a taxi to the address he sent you because you are too tired to walk. It takes only a few minutes and you are surprised to see the hospital, big and mighty in front of you. You knew he works as a doctor, but you were expecting something more like a private clinic. You walk in, knowing the place already, and you go to the reception desk.

“Excuse me,” You say with a tight smile. “I’m looking for Dr. Jackson Wang?”

“Do you have an appointment?” She smiles wide, and you shake your head. “I think he is booked for the night, ma’am, but I’m sure we can find a–“

“Oh, no need,” You shake your head. “I’m just here to give his wallet back…”

“Ah, I see,” She smiles. “You can leave it with me and I’ll make sure he gets it.”

“If it’s no problem I’d like to give it to him myself,” You ask, blushing a little.

“I can call him for you, if you’d like, but this is not the first time someone drops his things with us,” She smiles understandingly, chuckling a little. “Dr. Wang is a very forgetful person.”

“I see,” Your shoulder tense up. So this is not unusual for him, I guess. “I’ll wait over there.”

You sit down in the main entrance, and you look around; families waiting for their sons, or daughter, or fathers, or mothers; boyfriends, girlfriends, spouses. You wonder what it’s like having a family member waiting for you, ready to embrace you after a consultation or a surgery… only Coach waited for you; but then again, Coach is family.

“Ah, thank god you’re here,” You hear someone saying next to you, and you turn to see the girl that works in the bakery Jackson took you. She is smiling, arms open to a man with blue scrubs. He drowns in her, closing his eyes and relaxing his shoulders, seeming to find comfort in her. “It’s been a hard day.”

“I’m sure it has, love,” She says back, and you can’t help but feel guilty to eavesdrop such an intimate moment… you also couldn’t help but feel jealous; who would embrace you like that after a match? “But it’s alright, cause tomorrow is your day off and I made you some chocolate scones. Taehyung-ie is really excited for you to sleep over to–“

“Y/N!”

Interrupting the moment, you see Jackson running to you with a huge smile on his face, and you have to reprimand yourself, remembering the nurse’s words; it’s not the first time someone drops his things here, you think, smiling back. Don’t be a fool.

“Thank you so much for bringing it to me,” And Jackson, as always, does the unexpected, pulling you into a tight hug. You freeze for a few seconds, before allowing yourself to mold your body to his, feeling, for the first time, comfortably small. “Do you want to come up? I have some time before my next appointment and I just picked up some food… you didn’t eat yet, did you?”

“No, not yet but–“

“Good!” And he pulls you by the hand, surprising everyone around. You see the nurse that talked to you before and even she looks shocked; you can’t help but smile to yourself.

I’m going to allow myself to be a fool, you think, following him to his office. Just for tonight, I’m going to let myself enjoy this.

You are lying to yourself and you know it, but you don’t care. Not when Jackson sits you down on the couch in his office room, and pushes the food towards you, nagging you in the most caring of ways to eat and relax a bit.

“You look extremely tense,” He scoffs. “Do I make you that nervous?”

“N-not at all,” You smile, tightly. “I just wasn’t expecting this…”

“Oh, I’m sorry, did you have plans?” He frowns softly, and a wave of guilt washes over you. He looks like a puppy!

“No!” You basically shout. “No plans. This is great, thanks Jacks.”

“So,” He starts, looking at you intently. “You still haven’t told me about yourself…”

“What about me?” And you are tense again, but this time it’s different. You recognize this kind of tension easily– it’s the same as you feel whenever you step into the ring. This is not a fight, you have to remind yourself, trying to escape the defensive mindset. Get it together, Y/N! “I told you I’m not that interesting–“

“Anything about you,” He sighs, and you know he’s frustrated with you. “Literally anything; your dreams, hopes, fears. Work, family, friends. Whatever you want to tell me, but tell me something.”

“Jackson…”

“I don’t want to push you,” He mumbles, letting his head fall on his hands, and he looks so tired. His eyes look oddly dead and sunken, and you just want to embrace him, care for him, but you don’t. You don’t dare to touch him when he’s already that fragile, afraid to break him, too. “But I’ve been trying to crack you for months, and I thought that when you agreed to go out with me it meant something– that you liked me too, hopefully. But you don’t open up. We had sex and I don’t even know where you ran to the next morning, Y/N…”

“It’s not easy, Jackson,” You say a little harsher than you intended.

“It’s not easy for me, either,” He defends himself, leaning back in the couch. “It’s so fucking hard but I did it for you!”

“Why?” You asks, frowning. “If it’s so hard, why would you do it?”

“Because I like you,” He says, softly looking at you. “I’ve liked you for so long now, and I’m so confused… sometimes I think you like me too, and sometimes I think you’re just seeing where this goes.”

“What?”

“You don’t talk to me,” Jackson sounds so defeated, and it’s all your fault. “What am I supposed to think?”

“That I like you too!” You shout, getting up and putting your jacket. “I’d never string you along, Jackson. I’m not that kind of person!”

“I don’t know what kind of person you are!” He cries out and out of everything you’ve heard, this is the one that hurts the most. “You never showed me! You never allowed me to see you!”

And you know he is right. You know he tried his best to be patient with you, to find out more about you, to respect your privacy, but in the end, he is right. You never showed yourself to him. He saw you naked, but you never laid yourself bare, and you are not sure you ever could.

“I’m sorry,” You choke out, taking a few steps back. “I’m really sorry Jackson, I- I got to go.”

“Y/N, no,” He reaches out for you, but you are out of there before he can even register it.

The ride back home feels much shorter than before and you are thankful; you couldn’t burst out crying in the back of a taxi… you wouldn’t. Once you are home, however, you cry from the front door to your room, allowing yourself to feel like you behaved before– a pice of shit. Screaming at him and then running away were the stupidest decisions you’ve ever made; you don’t think you’ll be able to forget the look in his eyes as you opened the door. Sad, defeated, exhausted.

Maybe this is for the better, you try to console yourself. Maybe I’m saving him the energy… dealing with me can’t be easy. He’s already busy with his patients, so yeah, maybe I’m helping him, after all.

You repeat that like a mantra, and for what feels like the first time ever since you moved into your apartment, you pull the messy covers back, and climb onto your bed, hoping that the weight the blankets offer would replace the comfort of having his body next to you.

It doesn’t and you barely sleep.

————————

The week flies by and you don’t see Jackson at the clinic. Your chest contracts when thinking of him skipping on his health because of how uncomfortable you made him, and you even text him– saying he can’t miss physical therapy because of you and that you’ll change your appointment date if he prefers, but he never answers and you give up. With the increase in training, you also barely have time to think about it, but when you do, it hits you like a freight train; knocking the air out of your lungs and the sleep out of your body.

“Focus!” Coach shouts, and you try; you really try to focus your eyes on the bag but it moves to fast and you miss it. “Goddammit Y/N… what happened? You were on top of your game yesterday!”

“I couldn’t sleep,” You mumble, frowning and giving yourself a few taps on the head, hoping that it would wake you up. “I’m so tired…”

“Okay, we’re ending it here,” He sighs. “The match is tomorrow… are you sure you’re ready for it?”

“Yes,” You answer mechanically. “Yes, Coach.”

“Okay,” He nods, frowning. “Come on, I’ll give you a rise home after dinner.”

He orders your favorite and you two eat in silence, enjoying each other’s company as much as you could, feeling the tension slowly leave your body and make way for nervousness. You haven’t faced an opponent in a while– you are sure how this will go.

“What happened to the boy?” Coach ask as he drinks his water. “You don’t talk about him anymore… I was excited to meet my future son-in-law!”

“Ha ha,” You say emotionless. “It didn’t work out.”

“How so?”

“Since when are you so invested in my love life, Coach?” You ask, squinting at him.

“Since you got one,” He shrugs. “You looked really happy, that’s all.”

“I was,” You whisper. “But it would never work out. He started asking too many questions that I didn’t have answers for.”

“Like what?” Coach nags. “You’re one of the smartest people I know; you have an answer for everything!”

“He asked about dad,” You say, too quick to even process what is about to come out of your mouth. “He asked about my life– my family, my job, myself. I can’t answer those, Coach, you know I can’t.”

Coach just nods, looking at his hands. “Do you trust him?”

“With my life,” You joke, thinking of him in his scrubs. “He’s a doctor…”

“Huh, so his schedule would fit well with yours,” Coach smiles slightly.

“Coach, don’t say that,” You beg. “It hurts. Having hope hurts.”

“You trust him with your life, but not with yourself,” Coach sighs. “What am I going to do with you, kid? You can’t shut everyone out like that. One day, I’ll be gone, and who will take care of you, huh? Who will watch after my little girl?”

You have tears in your eyes.

“Y/N, he makes you happy,” Coach grabs your hands, warming the up in between his. “Listen to this old man, will you? You don’t meet a lot of those– people that make you happy. He wants to know more about you because he cares… or else he wouldn’t even have asked. You’ve took punch after punch, in this life, I know that better than anyone, but maybe he can help you heal.”

“I don’t think I’m capable of healing, Coach,” You say in between sobs. “But I really want to. Oh god, I want to.”

“You’ll get there,” He brings you closer and hugs you. “I know you will. Now let’s go home; you need to sleep for tomorrow.”

The night is quick and so is the day, and soon it’s time; you are backstage getting ready and warming up. It’s time for your comeback. Coach is next to you, counting as you jump rope, voice calm and smooth and you smile at him. This man has given you everything; you aren’t failing him now.

“Let’s go!” Someone calls from outside the door and almost as if something inside of you switches, you are moving, and moving, and moving until you are at the octagon.

Your opponent is on the other side, jumping up and down and she tries to look threatening, teeth showing through the mouthguard and fists tight, but you can’t help but smile and wink at her. You’ve always been like that, light and carefree inside the ring. Not reckless, though; never reckless. Maybe I should be a little reckless sometime, you think, chuckling to yourself as the judge calls both of you to the center to touch gloves.

“Let’s have a good and clean fight,” He says.

“You’re going down,” She says, and you try to find her name somewhere in your mind.

“You’re welcome to try, Hyejin-ah,” You smile widely, going back to your place.

You hear the bell and it starts. The first five minutes are quick and you rejoice as your feet are quick and precise– kicking, jumping, moving. Your fists protect your face, keeping your guard up, and your eyes, attentive and trained, gather enough information on her so that you can finally start playing. The second round is when things get tough, for both of you. Hyejin is stronger, but you are quicker; moving as fast as possible, you punch when possible, and it’s only when she lands a jab to your face that you lose yourself for a little bit… and she pounces. Punch after punch, you can feel the glove sliding over your sweaty skin, and you feel it tear, you feel it bleed, and you feel alive. You know what to do; the punch comes and it takes only a few seconds for you to duck and hit her in the temple with your heel. In the business, you are known for your roundhouses and when the judge raises your arm above your head, you can’t help but think how good it is to be home. And how much you’d like to share this with someone. Hell, scratch that; how much you’d like to share this with Jackson.

You get back to the dressing room while still on an adrenaline high. But then it fades. And you trip. And things go a little black for a while; and you can hear Coach shouting your name, and you can feel his hand shaking you, but you can’t really get up. You’re tired and spent and you just want some sleep. You tell him that– or at least you think you did. You sleep for a while and when you wake up again you are in a car, and you know because there are bumps and Coach is there, holding your hand, and he looks like he’s praying. You smile and you think that going back to sleep for a little while more won’t hurt. You wake up once more, just for a few seconds, because of the voices next to you.

“… her condition is stable for now… waiting on tests…”

“… will she be okay?!”

“Yes.”

Then it’s fine to sleep some more, you think.

“I swear to god, kid,” You wake up with Coach’s whispers. “When you wake up, I will kill you.”

“Seriously?!” You let out an airy laugh, putting some effort into opening your eyes. “Are you really threatening me in a hospital?”

“Y/N Y/L/N,” Coach gets up, trying to look stern, but you see the softness in his eyes too easily to actually be afraid. “Are you insane? The doctors all said you were malnourished and lacking sleep! You had a fever when we got here… how the fuck did you get in the ring like that?!”

“I felt fine in the ring,” You say, confused. “But Coach…”

“What?” He grumbles, looking at you with tired eyes.

“Did I win?”

“You don’t remember?” He is genuinely surprised. “You knocked her out, kid. I’m so proud of you!”

You smile in relief. You won. You’re back.

“The neurosurgeon said nothing is wrong with your head,” Coach informs. “You took quite a fall, I’m surprised nothing happened. The Physical Therapist is coming soon to look at your knee… I’m still a bit worried about that.”

“Ah,” You smile at him tightly. “All my money from tonight will go to this hospital, I see…”

“Shut u–“

“Excuse me,” You hear a voice from the door. “My name is Dr. Wang and I’ll be your doctor today. What seems to be the problem?”

When he looks up, you feel like vomiting. His smile disappears and his eyes bulge, wide enough for them to look like they will pop out at any second. You know what you look like– swollen lip, cut eyebrow, and bruised cheeks. You felt it all.

“Y/N?” He shouts and you are surprised, flinching a little. His steps are quick and he’s soon inspecting you, hands all over your face and pressing down on your ribs. “Are you okay? What the hell happened?”

“I–“ You stop yourself before you can come up with an excuse, eyes finding Coach’s; he smiles and points to the door, walking outside. “I think we need to talk.”

Jackson just nods, hands shaking as he slowly traces your injuries.

“Jacks, I’m fine,” You sigh, closing your eyes to the feeling. “I’m used to it…”

“Used to it?!” He shouts again and you can’t help but laugh as his behavior.

“I’m a professional MMA fighter, Jackson,” You say, looking deep into his eyes, waiting for any sign of fear or disgust to show. But it never does. “This is literally my job.”

“You had a fight tonight?” He asks, moving to the other side where the chart is. “What happened? Did you get knocked out? Did they check for concussions? My friend woks for Neurosurgery, I can call him!”

“Yah, calm down,” You ask, pulling him to you by his hand. “I’m just malnourished. And exhausted. Haven’t really been eating and sleeping lately…”

At that he stops.

“Me neither,” At that, Jackson finally looks straight into your eyes, and you see it; the pain, the anxiety, the hesitation. “I don’t know what happened, Y/N, and–“

“I’m sorry,” You say before he can. “I’m sorry about everything. I like you. I like you very much, but I have some issues and I didn’t know what to do. I want to use my Fuck Up Pass... can I?”

He chuckles, nodding. “What do you mean?”

It seems that once you finally open up, you don’t stop. Until three in the morning you talked; about your past, starting from the young age of when your mother left, to now, and he listens– attentively, holding your hand and smiling as sign of support. He falls asleep before you do, resting his forehead on the bed next to you, and you are still awake once his phone rings nonstop, demanding his presence somewhere else.

“Jackson,” He grunts once you shake him. “You have to go.”

“Why?” His head shots up, eyes barely open.

“I think someone is calling you back to work,” You chuckle. “You can come back later.”

“It’s seven in the goddamned morning,” He groans, getting up and stretching his arms above his head. You have to admit, he looks really good in the morning. “I hate this.”

“That’s a lie,” You call him out, smiling. “You love your job.”

“I do,” And goofy Jackson is back. “I’ll come back once my shift is over and I’ll take you home, yeah?”

You nod and he kisses you goodbye, laughing once the heart machine beeps faster.

————————

“All night I'll riot with you, I know you got my back and you know I got you,” You close your eyes in embarrassment as you hear his voice getting closer. “So come on, come on, come on, let’s get physical!”

“Please,” You beg, grunting when the instructor pushes your knee a bit too hard. “Stop singing that stupid song.”

“Dua Lipa is a queen and you shall never disrespect her again!” He cries out, making you chuckle fondly. Jackson is next to your bed now, sitting on a stool. “How’s the knee, Doc?”

“Pretty good,” Your instructor smiles, nodding appreciatively. “She’d be all healed by now if she hadn’t walked in that ring without stretching.”

“Excuse me,” You nag. “That was months ago!”

“And look where you are now,” Jackson sighs. “Babe, seriously, you need to be more careful. I’m not always there to take care of you.”

“What the fu– You’re not even my doctor!” You protest, frowning at him. “We’ve been dating for three months now and you never–“

“I’m not your doctor because you won’t let me,” He deadpans. “Something about private and work life… tsk.”

The instructor watches you two with a small smile, slowly waking away to the front desk where his colleagues are.

“I won the bet,” He says, raising his hand. “Pay up.”

“Not fair,” One of them grumbles while giving him the money.

“I said those two would get together, and look at them now.”

You stop bickering to look at the workers in the front desk, staring and laughing at you.

“You’ll destroy my reputation like this,” You complain, but Jackson laughs.

“What reputation?”

“Shut up,” You chuckle and pulls him in for a kiss.

“Admit it,” He pecks your lips. “You’ve gotten softer ever since we started da– ouch! Oh my god, guys, have you seen this? My girlfriend, my girlfriend who is a fighter, just punched me! I’m going to die!”

“Oh my god, Jackson,” You grumble, getting up and dragging him out of the clinic. “You’re so dramatic…”

“Said the girl who made a whole fuss about dating me,” He jokes, winking at you when you look at him with your mouth hanging open. He always made jokes about it, although he’s been extremely patient and loving.

“I’ll kill you one day,” You sigh, grabbing his hand. “But for now, let’s go home.”

He wiggles his brows and you just know what he’s going to do.

“Let’s get physical!”

You smile.

“We’ll see.”

-----------------------------------

okay so this is way longer than I though it would be LOL but at least I figured out the ‘read more’ function!!! Other thank that, I kind of love how this turned out! The General Hospital series has been giving me a lot of joy to write and I hope you all like it too! As always, leave a comment and let me know what you think <3 Love you all!❤️

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koyurim · 4 years

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hospital playlist 12 (season 1 finale)

as the 99 crew make their next steps, life chugs along and with that comes the ups and downs that the patients are going through

the season finale provides enough momentum to wrap up some plot lines while still presenting new (or persistent) challenges for season 2 to dive deeper into. for me, all the ups and downs with the patients were the highlight of the episode and had me in an emotional mess. we see how much the patients impact the doctors, but also how much the doctors impacted their patients:

yun-bok was able to thank song-hwa and cry in her arms when she found out that song-hwa was the doctor who treated her mom. and we got to see song-hwa tell yun-bok that she grew up into a lovely lady.

right when chi-hong’s dealing with the coma patient who’s not going to make it, the cop patient came back to thank chi-hong for giving him the motivation and understanding that he can return to his job. his life is not over because of what he went through.

jeong-wan stayed up day and night for the 7-year old girl and all his care was recognized when her family thanked him. also when she came back on christmas eve to thank him personally. jeong-wan always gets a lot of fulfillment from his work and i feel like this is the case that convinced him to remain as a doctor and not a priest.

seok-hyeong. is just. a Fantastic doctor. he’s so gentle and always provides space for the emotions that come with the medical problems that the patients. when the woman finds out her baby has passed?! and then you see all the moms sitting quietly in the hallway listening to her crying. and the woman who had multiple miscarriages finding out that her baby’s in the clear... the JOY. ugh my emotions are ALL OVER THE PLACE.

jun-wan poured in so much care for the patient with the infected stent and watching him deliver the bad news to the parents was so hard. i was so proud of jae-hak for figuring out a solution! gah! growth....

ik-jun learning sign language--IM!!!!!!!!

now, onto the more personal lives of our doctors. much has been building up all season and our main five must face their problems. sometimes facing your feelings is all it takes to find a fix, but unfortunately more often than not life requires a deeper dive to untangle all the webs and mess (and means we have to WAIT).

jeong-wan’s plot line feels the most neatly wrapped up in this season finale. he’s made the decision to stay and not becoming a priest. it’s so obvious to those around him that he finds a lot of fulfillment in his work as a doctor helping kids, but it seems like it took him a lot longer to realize that himself. i really appreciated the moments with song-hwa. she can read him so easily, but sometimes you have to wait for your friend to arrive to the conclusion themselves. as for the love line with gyeol-ul, i was really hoping to see WHY he liked her. the show + all of jeong-wan’s friends and family have spent the season saying ‘HE LIKES HER’ but i dont really see why? i wanted some flashbacks about where his love originated from, because the kiss feel too out of the blue. however, i Am glad and proud of jeong-wan for properly facing his feelings and not denying them! you don’t do yourself or anyone around you any good when you don’t face yourself!! anyway, i look forward to rosa doting on gyeol-ul in season 2 even though it makes no sense.

seok-hyeong’s father may have passed, but his problems are still there. seok-hyeong’s family situation has clearly created many problems in the past. it seems like his divorce with his ex-wife was primarily due to his family and not from a lack of love. as a consequence from his family mess, he’s forced himself to choose a lonely path so as to not hurt anyone else. obviously, that’s no way to live and seok-hyeong has to make peace with the understanding that while his dad is a piece of shit, he himself can still seek out happiness. it’s interesting to me that min-ha is able to approach him in a way that seems to slowly nudge him out of his shell. i hope that she can continue to do so in a respectful way! i feel like in season two we may see a seok-hyeong/min-ha/ex-wife love triangle. overall, im glad that he’s choosing himself in not running his dad’s company. his dad is an asshole, and seok-hyeong doesn’t owe him anything. even tho i think the mistress is shameless, im shocked that he didn’t leave anything to her. anyway, i wanna see a scene where ik-jun’s like hello dad pls redistribute your wealth to me, your son.

oh, i fear our poor prickly jun-wan has been dumped. i was so pleased with how the finale was developing his and ik-sun’s relationship until he got the returned package! i loved when jae-hak was like ‘dude, just ask her’ because you can’t assume and guess your partner’s intentions. you’ll just be stuck in an endless loop! although i am on pins and needles to find out the reason for the package’s return, i’m not surprised. ik-sun has a lot that she hasn’t unpacked from her previous relationship. she’s worried about being hurt again and keeps anticipating their relationship’s demise. wanting only happy moments in a relationship isn’t realistic and i think she may have gotten cold feet and jumped ship to proactively avoid the ‘bad’ parts to a relationship. im rooting for jun-wan, he’s trying his best to communicate and be a good partner in the relationship; i really hope ik-sun will also do the work and not ghost him. i hope in season 2, the crew finally meets bidulgi!!!!

even though ik-jun’s basically all but said how he feels towards song-hwa, we finally see him properly face her and be upfront with his feelings. i’d love to have heard him say ‘i like you’ explicitly, but i know that this is a big step for him. despite being the most expressive of the group, ik-jun’s so elusive. he flits around to different departments and loves to give advice, but he struggles much more when it comes to forging a kind of relationship where he needs to be vulnerable. we don’t get song-hwa’s response yet, but the ending with all five of them hanging out before christmas is a reassuring sign to me. regardless of how song-hwa responds, their friendship and the maintenance of the group is something they’ll prioritize and work to maintain. this means regardless, they’ll stay in each other’s life.

UNFORTUNATELY, we still get very little of song-hwa. im so frustrated! she’s such a great mentor and confidant, but WHO IS SHE! song-hwa! who do you turn to when you want advice? what’s going on in your brain? what are your fears and worries? from the little clues that we’ve gotten, i think song-hwa’s drawn a firm line with chi-hong. she’s no longer wearing the shoes he got her, and she was firm about him not following her/congratulated him for moving up to chief resident in a kind yet professional manner. i really hope season 2 stops making us guess about her inner thoughts and just GIVES it to us. i need All of song-hwa’s thoughts! as an aside it was cute how song-hwa made space for seokmin to confess to sunbin!

in the end, i rest easy knowing that our OT5 persists. they’ll always have each other to go back to and have a meal with. i love them, but not as much as they love each other. they argue and fight but the way they make space and accommodate each other speaks volumes to how much they mean to one another. the show’s so beautiful in capturing life’s little moments. while there is a (very slow burning) plot, that’s not what captures me about the show. the beautiful moments are small and mundane. the five bickering about song-hwa and jun-wan eating all the food is such a human touch that doesn’t necessarily add to the plot. u-ju eating egg sandwiches and winking isn’t necessarily ~ReLeVaNt~ but it’s so important and damned if i won’t watch u-ju and his dad have fun!

season 2 will air in 2021 (GAH) and i wonder if we’ll come back to song-hwa returning after 1 year. things will have changed: our interns will be residents, ik-sun will have been abroad for a while. either way, im looking forward to it!!!!!!!!!!!

#hospital playlist #kdrama #how does this show pack in SO Much to pick apart and analyze?!#with just one or two lines #i can spend hours picking apart the meanings #2021.... im already looking forward to u

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surelybystarlight · 4 years

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Season 4 Letters

Late 12th month, 100 AG Dear Fire Lord Zuko,

Rebuilding the Southern water tribe is going along better than expected. So much had already changed by the time we got here. The benders from the north have made leaps and bounds in bending strong buildings. With the men finally back from the war we hope to have many newborns come end of next Spring and are building a hospital in expectation. I’m writing to inform you that we will be proposing a formal medical exchange program at the First World Summit in 2 months, at the 6 month mark since the end of the war, in hopes of expanding our knowledge of healing by combining it with the herbal knowledge of the earth kingdom and the surgical knowledge of the fire nation. I am asking for your support of this program. An exchange of professional knowledge will not only be a sign of good faith and respect of other cultures on the fire nation’s part. It will also act as a symbol of the new age we are trying to build, one of mutual healing and support.

I know it’s only been 3 months since we last all saw each other in Ba Sing Se, but I miss you and Toph. Suki and Sokka are doing well, with the help of our father, Sokka’s established a council of tribe members over seen by the chief to make decisions. Him and Suki are leaving for Kyoshi Island in a few days, Suki has new recruits to train and Sokka is traveling as “Son of the Chief” to formalize diplomatic ties with Kyoshi Island and Omashu. I think he’s just trying to avoid the days of endless sun coming up. I don’t know how they are going to make it work, but I hope they do. Aang's doing great, trying to be the avatar and mediate every conflict he comes across every chance he gets. Tell me, how are you doing, How’s Mai? How’s Uncle? Has he driven you mad with tea and proverbs yet? Hows Toph? I know things are still rough with her parents. Uncles idea of taking her on as a pledge (word!!) was brilliant. Toph supposedly getting a courtly education in the fire nation pleases her parents, and in exchange she doesn’t have to go back to being sheltered.

Wishing you the best, Master Katara Daughter of the Chief

(p.s. Still feels weird calling you that but I’ll get used to it.)

Mid 1st month, 101 AG Dear Master Katara Daughter of the Chief,

I can assure you that you will have the fire nation’s support behind your proposal, I agree an exchange of knowledge and skills will be beneficial for everyone. Water bender healers will be in high demand here once our doctors learn of what you can do. Will you be joining in the exchange? There would be a prime apprenticeship in Caldera hospital and a place for you in the fire palace waiting for you.

Things are ok, it’s stressful being firelord. It’s hard to not just yell at everyone, but I have to set a better example than my father. I'm so glad uncle decided to stay as my adviser rather then retire to his tea shop just yet. At this point I’ll take any advice I can get, proverb or not. Toph’s doing great, you know how she is, she doesn’t talk about the painful stuff. She’s been very useful in vetting the staff and nobles for Ozai supporters. She’s kind of become my unofficial bodyguard. She’s even complained that she wished someone would make an attempt on my life just to spice things up. If I didn’t know her better I’d be scared. Mai left on a sabbatical a little while ago, said she needed to find out what makes her happy, not just what she doesn’t hate. I know we weren't going to find happiness with each other. Not after everything we’ve both seen. Last time I was truly happy and at peace was at the summer palace with the whole Gaang. I hope she finds happiness wherever it may be.

Hoping you’ve found your happiness, Firelord Zuko

(p.s. It still feels weird being called that)

Early 2nd month, 101 AG Dear Zuko,

Why didn’t you tell me Mai left sooner? I know you never really forgave yourself for leaving her at the Boiling Rock, but you deserve to be happy too. You deserve someone who loves you and you love in return. I miss the summer palace too, even though we were preparing for a war, I haven't felt so at peace since. I miss our night time sparring matches, letting off steam. And the day to day routine of our little family. There were moments I could have lived in forever. I mean, I am proud of the work Im doing, rebuilding my tribe is important to me. And being in a position to effect change on the world, to usher in this age of peace is so empowering. Aang wants to start and airbender acolyte program after the World Summit, which is just as important to him. He wants me to join him once the healer exchange program is off the ground. Wants me to become an acolyte and help him “rebuild” the air nomad culture. Maybe I’ll find peace in the air nomad philosophy. I know that it didn’t exactly always work for me in the past, but maybe I’ll understand it better if I study it. I want to be able to be happy at the air temples. The days of endless sun are here, I’m sure I’ll find the idea of Air nomad philosophy more agreeable once I’ve seen the moon in the night sky again. For now, Aang's Air nomad diplomacy is not appropriate for handling midnight sun madness. I know I won’t get your response before I leave for the World Summit, so I’ll see you then.

Hoping you find your happiness too, Your friend, Katara

Late 2nd Month, 101 AG Dear Katara,

I know you wont get this before the World Summit, but I wanted to write you anyway. I am proud of my work, I hope I’ll find fulfillment in bettering the lives of my people. Love is not a given for Firelords, when Mai left my court started looking for suitable candidates for Fire Lady. Their concern is more with stability and producing an heir than ensuring I'm in love. Love was just never in the cards for me, I was never the hero of our story destined to get my girl. You’re lucky to have a chance at happiness with Aang. Even if, as we are both painfully aware, Air nomad philosophy isn’t always applicable, as long as you’re happy with him. And if for some reason you aren't, there will always be a place for you in my country and home.

Alway your friend, Zuko

Early 4th Month, 101 AG Dearest Zuko, Dear Fire Lord Zuko, Zuko,

The World Summit was very eventful and beneficial for all. I know I said some things after the celebration ball. That certain things happened, but I want to assure you that I will be joining Aang at the Air temples, it’s where I am meant to be. I want to be happy with Aang.

Katara

Late 4th Month, 101 AG Dearest Katara,

I understand, like you said, We aren’t the ones who get our happily ever afters. Just promise me you wont give up your own happiness for the sake of his. I’m not saying you have to come to the Fire nation if you don’t find peace as an Acolyte, just remember you aren’t a prize. Your happiness matters too.

Always your friend, Zuko

Late 6th Month, 101 AG Dearest Katara,

I heard from Ty Lee that you’ve returned to the Southern Tribe to help run the healer exchange program and train new healers. I hope you find your happiness there. I know it couldn’t have been easy to leave the Air Acolytes, but I am proud of you. One of us deserves to find happiness

Hoping you find your happiness, your friend, Zuko

Mid 7th Month, 101 AG Dear Zuko,

Due to the reluctance of water tribe healers, I have decided to join the healer exchange program and set an example by taking a position in the Fire nation. I will be returning with you to the Fire Nation after the 1 year of Peace Celebration to begin my apprenticeship. I’ve heard you’ve yet to accept or even entertain any of the potential Fire Ladies, I know you said love isn’t in the cards for you, that we aren’t the heros, but you deserve to be happy too. Thank you for your support, I haven't found my happiness yet, but I hope I will soon.

Yours Always, Katara

Early 8th Month, 101 AG Dearest Katara,

I was genuinely happy to read that you’ll be coming back to the Fire Nation with me. Like I promised months ago, there will always be a place for you in my home. I hope you can find your happiness in the Fire Nation. I look forward to seeing you again at the Peace Celebration.

Yours Always, Zuko

Early 9th Month, 101 AG Dear Master Pakku

You would be wise to never doubt the insight of a guardian in the ways of their charges's heart. For no one knows said heart better than the one who watched it form. I won the pot, time to pay up old man

Better luck next time, General Iroh

Chapter notes

Zuko and Katara got really drunk during the World Summit ball and ended up sneaking off together to have a heart to heart. They lamented both feeling like they were supporting character. Katara said she felt like she was just supposed to be apart of Aang’s happily ever after regardless of if it was her happily ever after. They end up admitting to each other that their happiest moments were with each other and share a drunken passionate kiss.

Afterwards Katara tries to bite the bullet and make herself happy with Aang at the air temple, but she doesn’t last very long because it really isn’t where she’s happy. She ends up leaving Aang, giving him a speech about needing her own happily ever after.

Zuko and Katara come together for discrete yet passionate love making at the Peace Celebration. They decide to keep their relationship a secret for the time being both to protect Aang's feelings and to avoid court gossip. However, Uncle Iroh figures it out right away, he had a bet with master Pakku since the end of the war when Zuko took the bolt of lightning that the two would end up together.

#zutara #zutaramonth #zutara month #zuko #katara #letters #zutara month 2020

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fairycosmos · 4 years

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I’m not trying to dump my problems on you, but I really need to get this out. I’m 21 and I’ve never been in a relationship and I’m super confused about my sexuality...... idk if I’m asexual/gay/bi/straight or whatever I literally have no clue and I’m scared of people and intimacy and I can’t imagine myself being in love and spending the rest of my life with someone

hey, you’re not dumping your problems on me at all. and it’s really ok not to know! i understand that it’s confusing and painful and there is stability in being able to find an identity that ‘fits’ you, but getting to that point is not fast or easy for most. and while that’s frustrating, it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you at all. i promise. even if you do eventually come to some personal conclusions, sexuality is a fluid thing for a lot of people. it’s not always definitive, or like 100% certain. above all, there’s truly no wrong answer or way to feel. if you’ve never been in a relationship then it’s no surprise that you’re unsure about who/what you like, because you have no points of reference. i want to stress that it’s veryyyy normal to be single in early adulthood. i know it seems like literally everyone else in the whole world had some amazing love story in their teens/college years but seriously, it is so so common to be inexperienced at your age. your brain is just making you notice those who are in relationships more because you crave it. but my older sisters has friends who are in the same boat as you and she’s 22. if you want my initial suggestion, i think it’d be a good idea to focus on why you’re so scared of intimacy and love before you focus on who you’re attracted to. because once you’re actively trying to cope with those feelings of doubt and insecurity, you’ll be able to put yourself out there a little more, which may result in the answers you’ve been looking for. the natural progression of your life may offer a lot of solutions. taking care of yourself and your own mental health must come before love, or looking for it, even though thats way easier said than done…..but remember, there’s no incorrect self. try to block out the world and what it’s telling you you should feel, and go off of whats in your heart. if it’s still just unclear, that’s alright. it just means you’re not ready yet, and there’s truly no rush. anyway, i think your anxiety and the critical way in which you view yourself is stopping you from being able to explore the idea of dating all together. you think everyone sees you the way you see yourself, so you think you must be some unlovable thing….but that’s not true at all. sometimes our minds spin us these false narratives when we’ve been hurt in the past, or when we’re dealing with unacknowledged mental/emotional issues…..your brain is bullying you, and you cant trust everything it tells you. no matter how true it seems. i really believe if you work on getting along with yourself, even if it feels completely ridiculous and fake at first, then the rest will follow. do you think it’s possible that you could talk to a professional about this? (after this pandemic, of course.) it can be anyone, maybe your doctor could refer you to a therapist, or if there’s a counseling service in your area? or a support group for ppl who are struggling? i have a very limited perspective of you, but to me it looks like your low self esteem/ your low self confidence is what’s igniting all of this. you’re scared of people so you can’t even begin to imagine who you’d enjoy spending your life with. but you CAN get help for that. you CAN talk about it and learn how to come to terms with it. you have to believe thats true for you. i get that it’s an extremely daunting idea, and you don’t have to do anything right now. but please keep that thought in the back of your mind no matter how much you want to push it away. you are not alone, and you don’t have to carry the weight of this as if you are. there’s also a lot of info online, lgbt forums/forums of people dealing w self hatred that may be of some comfort, and of course there’s always the option of calling a hotline if you want further advice. you see, you’re not trapped. and you don’t have to have this all worked out any time soon. but if you start making small and healthy changes to the way you treat yourself, then i think that’d be a really great step in the right direction. and more and more growth will spring from it. even if it just looks like complimenting yourself in the mirror, or repeating self affirmations or journaling and giving a voice to your feelings. these techniques aren’t supposed to solve everything, they’re just supposed to help. anyway, i can really really relate to what you’re dealing with, like i literally….i know im bi, but i cant imagine ever letting anyone touch me ever again. i’d just feel bad for them having to look at my face, having to be around me….that’s not healthy though, and i know that if i want connection THAT badly, i’m going to have to work on letting go of those unhealthy mindsets to some extent. even if it takes months, or years. but lets do it together, ok? one day at a time, working with whats in our control. if you need a friend or someone to talk to, dont hesitate to hmu. and i apologize for how long it took me to reply. im sending a lot of love, i hope you and your family are safe/healthy rn 💖

#anon

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jamaisjoons · 4 years

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(1/7) I'm sorry this is going to be super long, so if you actually answer this I'll be so thankful lol... idk how much experience you have in relationships and sexuality and whatnot but I just really need to ask someone about this and you seem super friendly and nice so I wanted to ask you, and if anyone else reading this ask wants to give me advice I'd love and appreciate that as well - I'll keep an eye on the comments 💜 So I've been in a relationship for over 5 years now. I want to preface

this ask is incredibly long and if therefore the rest, along with my response, is under the read more!

(2/7) this with saying that I'm not unhappy with my relationship overall. And I honestly do prioritize emotional connection over physical, but this is something that's been on my mind recently, especially since I started getting into reading fanfics and learning more about how diverse and explorative someone can be with sexuality. My current boyfriend was my first serious relationship so I never experienced anyone else sexually. And I know stories romanticize, dramatize, and exaggerate things

(3/7) so I don't expect that I should be able to experience my sex life exactly as its portrayed in the fictions I read. I've been generally content with my sex life with my boyfriend, while maybe not fully satisfied but content. But lately its been bothering me. I've always had a higher drive than him so I don't mind needing to... take care of myself most days and just have sex whenever he's up for it. (Although he gets whiny if I'm not up for it the day he is, which I guess is partly fair

(4/7) since there's only like 2 days a month I'm not horny lol). And I do tend to take quite a bit longer to uh... well, cum, than he does as well so I've never really taken any offense to him not trying super hard to get me there. Lately it has been bothering me though... he does give effort to it most of the time but gives up because he has trouble getting the right spots and/or it takes a long time (and yeah I chalk that up to female anatomy being more complicated than male so while it is

(5/7) disappointing, I excuse it because of that) But it bothers me because I feel like I try to push myself more to figure out what he likes and try different things out of my comfort zone more than he does for me. (i.e. I've recently started trying to get used to anal even though so far its painful and I haven't found pleasure in it yet because it's something he's always wanted to do). He also loves blow jobs and always wants one - kind of expects it and gets disappointed if I tell him I don't

(6/7) want to that day and sometimes (most of the time) tries to push it, even though I don't push him if he doesn't want to go down on me. I've more or less given up on trying to cum when we have sex, just kind of settled on enjoying it for a while and helping him and then finishing myself off after. I'll sometimes ask him to help afterwards, and he'll help with some stimulation like nipple play and stuff for a bit, but if he's already gotten his release I feel like he treats it like a chore.

(7/7) It's just been bothering me more and more lately. I'm worried about talking to him about it because idk if I'm just being needy or if he'll be offended or upset. And I don't really know how to fix it anyway so idk how to bring it up or any solutions to offer but since its been bothering me more I don't want to just leave it as it is. Do you have any advice for me? Also I'm SO SORRY for the novel and going probably too detailed into my sex life... I hope this wasn't bothersome or annoying!

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i’m gonna preface this with im not a professional and any advice i give is based on my own feelings and thoughts and based on experiences of my own and they won’t be the same as yours! please take caution reading/heeding any of my advice because really i’m not any different to you and i have no real qualifications for giving out sexual advice.

so honestly speaking, i have a fear of commitment and trust issues and as a result i don’t very often partake in committed relationships (i’ve been willingly and happily single for YEARS) - and my previous ones weren’t all that good either (my last two ended with cheating rip). but i’m happy to help in any way possible and it means a lot that you feel like you can speak to me about this!

Okay so, my first point is that sex is honestly diverse and yes its always mindblowing in fics, but in reality its not always the case. sometimes sex is bland, sometimes its really good, and sometimes you don’t really enjoy yourself (not in a bad or nonconsensual way, but more it doesn’t leave you as fulfilled as it could and it just feels,,,, meh for a lack of better word for it). that being said, considering you’ve been in a relationship for a long time and it’s your first and (i assume only? sexual partner) i can potentially see why its just been a case of contentment and not real fulfilment - especially, since it seems you haven’t really been communicating and taking each other’s feelings into consideration? well him more so than you.

Side point, he really shouldn’t be whining if you don’t want to have sex but as long as he’s not pressuring you into anything its fine - people tend to whine (i know i do sometimes too)

Okay so in terms of cumming, not everyone takes the same amount of time to cum. some really need lots of stimulation and stuff in order to really cum and others cum really quickly. its an individual thing - but you definitely seem like the former. That being said, just because you take longer to cum and the female anatomy is more complex (really its not t H A T hard) doesn’t mean he should give up - you work hard for him to make him cum and he should do the same for you. especially since you’ve been together for so long.

A lot of this seems that you’re actively trying more than he is (you’re not obligated to give him oral, especially if he doesn’t reciprocate and he definitely shouldn’t push it). In terms of anal, the human body is different from person to person and not everyone is wired the same. just because someone else enjoys anal doesn’t mean you will, and if it’s painful and you’re not enjoying it, perhaps it’s best to tell him to stop because you get nothing out of it. if he loves you, he’ll make the sacrifice even if he enjoys it (like you’ve been doing for him this entire time). If he’s cummed and he’s not actively wanting to make you cum - you need to call him out on it because it's not fair for him to orgasm and for you to work for it yourself. it’s downright selfish and bad sexual practices and more than anything its not okay and its not a healthy sex life.

I think my best advice right now is to actually talk and communicate with him. A good, healthy sexual relationship that satisfies both parties, can only and will only ever be possible through open communication. you’ve been together five years and you’ve said you’re happy with your relationship overall - which means that you’ve known each other long enough to openly communicate with each other about your likes/dislikes/things you want to try/how they can help. Thats the blanket one, but here are some things you can talk to him about:

In terms of making you cum - you know your body better than anyone else, so perhaps showing him what places are your erogenous zones may be an effective way. If you feel comfortable, sit in front of him and masturbate - show him what gets you off. Sometimes even have him participate - direct his hands to where you want him, tell him when something feels good, when something doesn’t feel so good. but communicate

Tell him that you always try for him and it’s upsetting and makes you feel unsatisfied when he doesn’t put in the same enthusiasm. in sexual relationships, there is compromise and sometimes you do things you don’t necessarily enjoy just as an act of love and care (one of my irls hated giving her boyfriend blowjobs but she used to do it because he enjoyed them and that's okay because she was willing to do it out of love. there were also things he compromised for her like how he never enjoyed wearing condoms because it didn’t feel as good but she didn’t want to go on birth control so he accepted it). There are clearly things you are willing to compromise on (anal) and so he should be doing the same for you

You’re both different people and have different sexual interests and what feels good for you. You should both put in effort to explore these together. Have an actual conversation with him - and if he doesn’t take your feelings, if he starts getting upset or offended, then that speaks more for him. but if he loves you, if he’s a good partner and boyfriend, he will actively listen to you and your feelings and try and understand them. without communication sex and relationships are nothing and you cannot be afraid to speak to him or not speak to him for fear of him reacting negatively.

also if he does reactively, maybe it’s worth considering if this relationship is worth going on with. sometimes people stay with each other because it’s all they know, because they’ve been together for a long time and they fear starting fresh. but that is not healthy. if something isn’t working, no matter how much time and effort you’ve put into it, it’s not worth staying and being unhappy and the best thing you can do is gather the courage to get up, leave and move on and find happiness somewhere else.

i think ? i’ve got most of my points across, but if there’s anything you need clarification on, please do feel free to message me again! but please remember my earlier disclaimer: i am in no way shape or form a professional and i have no qualifications in order to give you advice. these are just my thoughts/opinions/how i see things!!

anyway, i hope this helped! i’m so sorry it took so long to get back to you!

#solar feral asks #solar sex ed #asks #the nameless

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andonutty · 4 years

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a fool’s guide to coping w bpd

ok so for the record im NOT a mental health professional, im just... someone with bpd who’s coping and thought i’d share my tips. i think making a post like this will a) reach more people, and b) help my friends more than me just offering advice when they come to me for help. bpd affects everyone differently, and i can’t claim to totally understand the struggles of everyone who has it, but if you’re struggling right now and you just don’t know what to do or where to go, i gotchu fam. so without further ado... a step-by-step guide for coping with bpd

tw for mentions of emotional manipulation, self-harm, and suicide. none of it is in-depth, but i figured i’d warn anyway.

1) decide that you want to cope in a healthier way.

this seems kinda strange as a first step, but to me it really is the most important step. living with bpd all my life and being in therapy since i was 10 taught me a lot about willingness. saying “i want to be healthier” sounds like a no-brainer, but it’s actually really difficult. you have to sit yourself down and ask yourself: do i really want to fundamentally change the way i think about situations, about myself, and about other people? am i willing to work on this, even though it’s hard? and am i willing to give up on the unhealthy coping mechanisms i’ve been clinging onto?

i’m being totally genuine here: it took me years to get to the point where i could say: yeah, i really, really want to stop emotionally manipulating people to get what i want. i’m so sick of basing my self-worth on what other people say and do. i’m so scared that i am my bpd, and that there’s nothing else inside me; i don’t want it to be that way anymore. i want to have healthy and fulfilling relationships with other people. i want people to stop being afraid of me. i want to love myself. i really and truly do. and only when you come to that (awful, gut-wrenching) revelation can you actually start helping yourself. if you’re not at that point, that’s totally fine. i had to go through a hell of a lot to get there, and i understand not everyone is there. i wish everyone who can’t make this decision yet the best, but i really don’t think this post will be the miracle cure you’re hoping for. you can still read it for sure! i’m just saying that this first step was an extremely necessary one for me, and the next steps get a lot easier once you make this decision.

okay, so you’ve come to the realization that you really, really want to learn some new coping mechanisms. where do you start?

2) look into dbt (dialectical behaviour therapy).

ok. i’ve been going through dbt for a while, and i swear to god, it’s good. dbt was made for people with bpd, and it’s different from cbt in that the skills aren’t just cognitive. there are four sections of dbt skills: mindfulness, emotion regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness. it may seem overwhelming, but all these skills are very practical and don’t just focus on “hey you’re thinking this? stop it.“ if you have access to a counsellor or therapist, ask them about dbt. if you don’t have access, try to find some stuff you can work on online. i did a quick search and found three sites (one, two, three).

if you have a therapist or counsellor that you can talk to about this, feel free to skip the rest of this section (or read it so you can surprise your therapist with your knowledge). for those of you who don’t have someone to guide you through this, i’m aware all these skills seem incredibly daunting. my recommendations for beginner skills are the following:

PLEASE skill, or reducing vulnerability to emotions (under emotion regulation)

nonjudgmental stance (under mindfulness)

stop, tip, distraction, or improve skills (under distress tolerance)

dear man or myths about interpersonal effectiveness (under interpersonal effectiveness)

reducing emotion vulnerability was the first skill i started working on. when i was first diagnosed with bpd, i was working at a restaurant without any meal breaks. i’d have meltdowns at work and after work, and it took this skill for me to realize that i needed to pack a snack or eat right after getting off my shift, because i was most vulnerable to my emotions when i was hungry or tired. when you understand how food, sleep, exercise, mood-altering substances, etc. all play into how vulnerable you are to your emotions, you can start thinking more clearly about situations and you can start coping ahead to reduce that vulnerability ahead of time. you’d be surprised how much this one helps.

nonjudgmental stance is probably one of the most helpful skills i learned. one of my therapists put it this way: if bpd is an allergy, then invalidation is the allergen. meaning: the thing that’s going to irritate your bpd and trigger problem behaviours is invalidation of emotions. it’s shame, and judgment. everyone judges themselves (which isn’t really healthy, but it is a part of our societal structure), but for us? that shit hurted. i can’t count the amount of times that i’ve been crying and then thought something like “god, you’re just so pathetic“ and started crying even harder. our impulsive behaviour and the decisions we regret almost always stem from a core feeling of being invalidated. remember that time that you were talking about your feelings to someone and they seemed dismissive, so you decided you hated them with every fiber of your being? yep, me too. that’s us reacting to invalidation. in general, we don’t really validate ourselves. quite the opposite! most of the time, we tear ourselves down and expect others to fill that void for us. (a lot of people do this, but it’s really problematic for us in particular because of our generally self-destructive behaviour.) so learning to be compassionate with ourselves is a really important step to take. if you like meditations, look up loving kindness and self-compassion meditations. rain is also a really good meditation to do, but i think it can be really painful to do when you’re just starting out. i’ve linked it at the bottom if you want to check them out, but try not to overload yourself! just stick to one you really like.

stop, tip, distract, and improve are all really good skills to start out with because they’re skills you use for when your skills run out. if you find yourself really struggling with crisis situations a lot, these are good to start out with. they’re specifically meant to calm you down, to get your emotions and adrenaline to a manageable level. if you struggle a lot with engaging in problem behaviour under stress, this one is golden. i used to struggle a lot with substance abuse, and these skills were lifesavers. instead of going right for the substance, i’d use stop. i’d distract myself for a while, surf the urge until the wave of emotion passes. then i could use skills like please by getting something to eat, or dear man by addressing the interpersonal problem with a level head. and on that note...

dear man / myths about interpersonal effectiveness, which is a great skill if your main problem is about asking for help or establishing boundaries. i used to have a lot of problems about asking for things properly (hence my habit of emotionally manipulating others to get what i wanted or needed), because i felt that if someone said no to me, i wouldn’t be able to handle it. or that people would hate me if i asked for things, or that i should be able to handle things on my own. in a way, it felt easier to rely on making others feel bad for not doing more for me rather than to ask outright. these myths are hard to unlearn, but it’s a good place to start if your main trigger is about boundaries or asking for help.

ok, so you’ve started working on a skill. a skill. don’t burn yourself out here, it’s okay (and more productive) to just focus on one instead of trying to change yourself overnight. and on that note...

3) be kind. remember change won’t happen overnight, and keep going.

this one is difficult, because... like, it’s not gonna be easy. i remember i used to have meltdowns and think, “no. i’m tired of being skillful. i’m tired of being the bigger person. i’m sick of this.” and that’s why the first step is so important, because you’re going to need that resolve to say, “hey, i haven’t engaged in my problem behaviour for so long. let’s not start now. i know it’s frustrating, i know it’s so easy to go back to what we know, and at the same time, i want to be better. i know i can be better.”

and even if you do engage in that problematic behaviour again (which, let’s face it, you probably will, because no one is perfect and everyone messes up, and that’s 100% okay), you need to remember this and be compassionate with yourself. everyone messes up. everyone says things they don’t mean to. everyone does things that they regret. everyone falls into old patterns from time to time. what’s important here is to stop beating yourself up over it and start doing something different. if you went back to self-harm, if you started calling up everyone you know and threatening to kill yourself, whatever it is — don’t conflate yourself with the behaviour. instead, take ownership of it. make amends with those you hurt instead of running away or self-sabotaging, think about what happened and try to make sure it doesn’t happen again. slip-ups happen to everyone. literally everyone. so please try not to be hard on yourself if it happens. be disciplined, but not harsh. i promise, beating yourself up over mistakes is only going to hurt you and everyone around you.

conclusion

if you’ve read this far, thank you so much for doing so. i know that when you’re in the thick of it, it’s so hard to imagine yourself having a future, to imagine that you can make friends, keep people around, be anything but the sum total of your perceived failures. but you can. it’s difficult, believe me, it’s difficult, but it’s possible. and i believe you can do it. and trust me, there’s no way you’re going to disappoint me, no matter how much you feel like you’ve fucked up. if you can, just try it out, and i’ll be cheering you along every step of the way.

more resources, if you’d like them:

in general, this site is pretty good for handouts. and again, here are the three sites i linked above (one, two, three) that i found through a cursory search.

also, look into unhelpful thinking styles if you want. this is the worksheet i have, and it’s genuinely really useful. i keep it in my workbook and look at it to remind myself of when i’m unintentionally using them.

russ harris, who talks a lot about living a fulfilling life. here are some videos of his that i really like (internal struggles, the choice point, the struggle switch).

jon kabat-zinn and mbsr (mindfulness-based stress reduction). seriously if you’re into mindfulness this guy is so good. 9 attitudes in particular is a video i personally really like.

the aforementioned rain meditation, by tara brach. this one is all about learning what you need and providing it for yourself. it’s part of the larger loving kindness and self-compassion umbrella.

kristen neff has a website with self-compassion exercises, as well as books and such that she’s published. if she’s not your style, search up loving kindness or self-compassion meditations and i’m sure you’ll find other people that you might vibe with more.

i know brené brown deadass exploded in popularity a while back, but there’s a reason she did. all of her stuff about shame is incredible. here are two of her ted talks that hit different for me personally (listening to shame, the power of vulnerability)

also, if you can... maybe invest in a dbt skills workbook. i use the actual marsha linehan dbt skills training book, which can be a little complicated, but it works for me because my therapist is there to explain it. i’ve heard good things about the dbt skills workbook by matthew mckay, but i’ve never used it personally so i can’t attest to how comprehensive it is. if you can go to like, an actual bookstore and flip through the pages, that’d be ideal. but since we’re in a pandemic, idk how feasible that is. i’m not really a self-help book kind of person, but i’d recommend authors like pema chödrön, brené brown, kristen neff, and russ harris (and jon kabat-zinn? does he publish books? if he does then i rec them). if you’re in a post-secondary institution, try checking your school’s library! i’ve found a few books there. also, public libraries tend to have some of these books too. so if you don’t have the money to actually go out and buy these books, i’d suggest borrowing books from libraries and photocopying the pages.

#bpd #borderline personality disorder #bpd help #bpd advice #bpd skills #ok to reblog #idk i wont tag this anymore #i just.... so many friends of mine are going through it and i just want to offer a comprehensive starting point #i remember how lost i felt once i started wanting to cope in healthier ways #so im just out here. im out here #anyway i rly hope this helps! i might make more posts in the future bc. talking abt skills helps me practice them too #plus i just like to Help. im full of information and love

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mental-health-advice · 4 years

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Please tag this as egg. Ive been friends with this guy and for a while weve had the relationship of him being the patient and me being the therapist. He always vented to me and its drained me for a while. I cant bring up the energy to talk to him when he needs me. We talked about it all, but im still ignoring his texts and it doesnt feel like a friendship anymore. How do I fix my problem of responding? How do I get out of this habit? I’m at a loss and its really stressing me out,,,

Hey there Egg,

I’m so sorry to hear about the current patient - therapist relationship that you have found yourself in with your friend. Unfortunately people find themselves in this situation all too easily and it can be very hard to break the habit but it is possible and I’m hoping I can help you do this if this is what you want.

First of all it’s great that your friend had you on their side, helping a friend can be so difficult and rewarding at the same time, but as you have noticed the relationship can fast turn into you being your friend’s sole support, or as you put it, the therapist. So it’s no wonder why you have been feeling so drained and having less energy to talk to him. It’s great that you have had that discussion with him but it sounds like it hasn’t completely helped the overall situation.

I know it will be tough but the best thing that you can do for your friend is to help them get professional help and support. A good way to start off this process is by going to a doctor and your friend letting them know what’s been happening for them, how they have been feeling and things like that. From there the doctor will be able to refer him onto specific professionals that he may need to help him not only get better in his recovery but to also give you a break and have the chance to make the relationship that you have with him a friendship one again. You could even help your friend by going to the doctors with him for some moral support if you feel comfortable in doing that. Do you think he would be up to doing this? For a few more ideas on how you can help him access professional help and support, please do check out our page on getting help. If your friend isn’t yet ready to see someone face-to-face then another option may be to give him a list of helplines or web counselling services that he can contact when he is needing to talk or vent.

Other than that, just try to have another conversation with him in regards to you not feeling up to being his sole support anymore for your own reasons and that he needs to seek help and advice from someone else. The important thing to remember though is that you don’t have to say anything you don’t want to and you also shouldn’t feel pressured into helping him when he needs you. If he does start to lean on you then gently remind him of who else he can contact for help and support.

I hope that this has helped a bit and that you’re feeling like you can help your friend put other things into place so that you can regain your energy in just being his friend again.

Please know that I am thinking of you and wish you all the best!

Take care,

Lauren

#mha-lauren #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #egg #friend #patient - therapist relationship with friend #seeking professional help

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hirsuteandcute · 4 years

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I'm giving up

idk if you'll receive this but. I feel like giving up on life. I've read so many stories on hirsutism and I'm absolutely stuck. I have all these thin black hairs covering my body that I find to be extremely uncomfortable. I'm more than positive that it's genetic because all of my siblings have it. I'm a suicidal 17 year old who suffers from depression. I can't get out of this. I'm an absolute wreck. I have an online boyfriend but I have no idea how to tell him about this. how can I tell him? I'm scared of his reaction, I love him so much. I want to get rid of all this hair once in for all. I'll feel free that way. im not happy. these hairs are the end of me. I won't graduate next year because I feel like I'll commit suicide. I simply can't deal with this. I'm constantly comparing myself to every woman I see. I see no point in life anymore, I look forward to nothing but to get rid of all these hairs. I'm so useless to this world. I'm offering nothing. I have no plan after high school and I absolutely want to end my life. I'm not happy, I just want all of this hair gone. I can't think of anything but this. I haven't gone to my doctor to check it out but I'm losing hope in even doing that. I regret shaving when I was in middle school. I feel like everything would've been so much better if I didn't. I'm losing a grip on life. :(

h&c: *hug hug hug hug* So sorry to hear this. Honestly your story reminds me so much of my own, 17 is such a difficult time because you’re going through so many transitions in your life - on top of having to deal with this horrible depression.

- About your boyfriend; I really hope it all goes well with you, I know how scary it can be to open up about this, especially when you’ve formed a connection with someone you haven’t met in person. I guess my best advice would be, speak from your heart and don’t put too much pressure on yourself. I’ve said something like “I just wanted to let you know, I have this condition that means I have a lot of body hair and sometimes it really upsets me and makes me feel self conscious. I wanted to let you know because I trust you and value our relationship, and this is something that I struggle with/prevents me from feeling fully comfortable with people”. Just something simple and sincere (obviously you don’t have to use these exact words!). If someone really loves you, this won’t be a big deal and they’ll respect your feelings. Everyone has something they’re insecure about (or often, many things!)

- Take your time with school if it’s difficult to manage whilst dealing your depression. That’s what I did. I actually ended up dropping out of college twice because I wasn’t coping well. There’s so much pressure to pursue higher education as soon as possible, but actually school will always be there. I’ve seen 40 and 50 year olds attending college classes!

- The most serious thing - the depression and suicidal thoughts. I really really think you need to seek professional help for this. It’s so important. Here is a huge list of international suicidal hotlines if ever you really feel like it’s too much. It may sound generic but things really do and can get better. I never would have thought that I would be at the point I am now, and even though things are still difficult, I’m managing to achieve things and find moments of happiness. Sometimes progress is slow, but that’s okay. There is still so much more to live for.

- If you haven’t gone to a doctor yet, you can still try, just in case. Maybe it is just genetic, but it’s better to be safe than sorry, especially if you have other symptoms.

- It’s okay that you shaved in middle school, when I was 11 I cut my arm hair off with a pair of safety scissors! It looked awful, but it grew back the same. It won’t make the hair any worse/thicker.

- The feelings you have are okay (as in, they’re understandable and you’re not wrong or bad for having them) even though they feel rubbish. Most people don’t have a plan after high school tbh and often what you end up studying is not necessarily what you’ll spend your life doing. I thought I’d become a beauty therapist and now I’m a secretary. Honestly I’m almost 24 and I still don’t have a plan. It’s okay, just take life as it comes, things have a way of happening. Just focus now on looking after yourself, taking care of your mental health.

- Comparing is so normal, but also so destructive. I do it and have done it all the time. Like I can’t help it, even with my friends, and I found it affecting both the way I felt about them (jealous and resentful) and the way I feel about myself (ugly, not good enough). I guarantee you that every woman, and person in general, has something(s) they wish they could change, and things they will admire in you. It’s really hard not to compare but I just try think “I am myself and I can never be them. That’s okay, I’ll just focus on being the best me I can be”. Maybe it sounds a bit cheesy, but it’s been helping me.

Please don’t give up, even though I understand why you feel like you want to. Life is so hard, this condition is so hard, depression is so hard. But it’s still worth trying and believing that things will get better (and they will!). I love you, and I care about you, please don’t give up. Sending all my love and strength to you <3 xxx

#submission #suicide mention//

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lexinthelibraryofdreams · 5 years

Text

Enemies To Lovers

Imagine: Friends/Enemies to lovers

Pairing: Theseus Scamander x Reader

Words: 3667

A/N: Week two, day six of the Leather and Lace + You Keep Me Warm Romance Event. Did this get out of hand? Yes. Do I care? Barely. Hope you enjoy. If anyone wants to request a character, feel free to do so :)

Warnings: none, I believe. If you want me to add anything, feel free to tell me :)

The first time you met Theseus Scamander, you immediately hated him. In your opinion, he wasn’t suited to be the head of your department and from the first meeting on he seemed to return your feelings. You barely left the office, stuck to your neck in paperwork he assigned to you.

The more time went on, the more he seemed to ignore your requests to actually hire a secretary if he wanted one and allow you to do your job. You were getting frustrated with your job but were also too prideful to quit, which you assumed was what he wanted.

“Sir,” you greeted him after entering his office with the finished reports again. He didn’t even bother looking up and you closed your eyes for a moment to center yourself. With more force than necessary, you put down the stack of papers on his desk. “Look, if you won’t even bother to greet me, at least don’t insist on having me deliver the reports personally. Then you don’t have to ignore me.” You knew how disrespectful you sounded but you were past caring. He wouldn’t get rid of you unless he would forcibly remove you from the office.

Now he looked up. You only stared back, setting your jaw stubbornly. “I do not appreciate you tone, Miss Y/L/N,” was the only thing he said and you had to mentally hold back to not hex him. Straightening your back, you replied, “Well, I do not appreciate being degraded to your secretary when I should be out there and support my colleagues in the field. I know that I have the skills to perform the tasks of an actual auror, so I don’t see why you insist on holding me in the office.” He reached forward and took the papers you had brought him. “It is my decision to make who to send out and who to keep back. If you wish to keep your position, do not question my decisions any further,” he replied, the waved towards you. “You are dismissed.” A part of you wanted to argue but instead you abruptly turned on you heel and exited the office, throwing the door close in your anger. You ignored the few eyes on you as you made your way back to your desk. The few people that were actually here and not on the hunt for Grindelwald and his followers weren’t benched like you, they simply finished off reports from missions. Reports that would inevitably end up on your desk the next morning. One day you would probably snap and light them on fire the instance they arrived.

A woman entered the office but you ignored her presence. At least, you tried until she stepped up to your desk. Hesitantly you looked up with a blank look, trying to look as busy and interrupted as you could. “Do you need anything?” you asked, not bothering with a greeting. You had seen her before, she was part of some other department in the Law Enforcement. She seemed to be friends with Scamander, considering they often spent their breaks with each other.

Now she looked down on you with an unreadable expression. “Could you ask Mr Scamander if he has time? I wanted to talk to him.” You raised an eyebrow at her. “Sorry, Lady, but I’m not his bloody secretary. He just punishes me for existing with having to read over reports he is too busy for. Someday he’ll probably ask for a coffee. For all I care, he could burst into flames right now and I wouldn’t be bothered at all. Anything else?”

She looked a little taken aback at your hostility towards your boss but only thanked you and wordlessly retreated to his office.

Later you learned that the woman was none other than Leta Lestrange, his fiancée. That outburst would probably fall back onto you but you were past caring.

“Y/L/N,” he said, approaching your desk. You plastered on a sweet smile and waited for him to ask whatever he wanted. “Go get your coat, you’re accompanying me.” It was almost embarrassing how quickly you got to your feet, slipping into your coat and following him wordlessly. Though you wondered what caused the sudden change but you wouldn’t test your luck with asking about it.

In the lobby you met up with several other aurors, the head of the Department of Law Enforcement and - of course - Leta Lestrange. You only gave her a semi-politely nod before listening to Travers.

After the short briefing, you followed them outside and disapparated. The bridge leading to the castle was still like you remembered it and a nostalgic feeling welled up inside you. Your happiest memories all were bundled in the place but you knew you weren’t here for fun.

Interrogating Dumbledore went as well as you expected. He stayed polite but passive, not wanting to join the war that was inevitably coming. Or maybe it was already waging, it was hard to tell with how blurred the lines were.

As you turned to leave, he called out to both you and Scamander. You were at the door already, looking at him expectantly. He warned you, should Grindelwald call for his followers to assemble, that you shouldn’t interrupt.

On your way to the bridge, you walked next to Scamander, both of you silent. You admired Dumbledore for defending his point despite the pressure against him. You looked at your boss who seemed lost in thought. “Will you follow his advice?” He shrugged lightly. “I don’t know yet.” You met up with the others again. It occurred to you that that was literally the first conversation between you without any malice behind it. Admittedly, it felt good.

Your next stop was Paris. Despite the urgency of the situation, you looked around to take in at least some of the sights. “First time in Paris?” Scamander asked suddenly and you looked at him before nodding. There still were more negative feelings between one another but since your visit in Hogwarts, you offered a less hostile stand, being more passive in your dislike of him. If he noticed it, he didn’t comment on it.

“Where’s Scamander?” Travers asked and you only shrugged. “Why does everybody expect I know where he is at any given time? I’m not his secretary,” you replied, a little on the edge because even Travers was under the impression. At least he looked more bewildered than offended by your harshness, then ordered for you to go and find him. You tried your hardest not to roll your eyes and trailed off to search and ask around.

In the end you found him locked in a room and tied to a chair. “Mr Scamander, what a coincidence to meet you here,” you said, leaning against the doorframe. When he stopped struggling to look up, you couldn’t hide a gleeful grin. “Looks like you’re in some kind of situation. Once you’re done here, Travers is searching for you.” You turned around to leave, when you heard him struggle some more. “Y/L/N, wait!” he called out and you feigned hesitation. A heavy sigh sounded from behind you, followed by a “Please. I need your help.”

When you faced him again, you wore a big smile. “Really? I wouldn’t have noticed. I mean you normally got everything under control.” He made a face at you. “What do you want so no one will hear about this?” You raised an eyebrow at him and decided to test your luck. “An explanation and for you to get an actual secretary, so I can finally do my job. Maybe, if you’re feeling generous, even an apology but I’m not greedy.”

He sighed again, looking defeated. “It was your father. When he resigned, he requested for you be kept off the field. I know you’re more than capable but he is a scary and influential man, even if he has retired and I did not want to risk my career for that.” He paused and you thought about it. It made sense. Still, he did not have to be so unpleasant about it. “I’m sorry,” he added and he seemed to mean it. You exhaled, then waved your wand and the rope fell to the ground. “Thank you for being honest. Though I’m still kind of angry you wouldn’t have told me without blackmail. That’s not a good way to keep up a professional relationship.” He stood up and straightened out his jacket. “I know. And I meant it when I apologize. I’ll try to be more open about your father’s requests in the future.”

“Appreciated,” you replied and followed him back to Travers.

You had tried to remind him Dumbledore’s words but he had just waved it off. “If you don’t think you can handle it, stay here,” he had said and you adamantly shook your head.

Now you stood there, watching in horror as blue flames devoured colleagues in front of you. Even though you were standing at a good distance to it, you could feel the burning heat on your exposed skin as if you were standing in it. Screaming from one side caught your attention and you saw Scamander as he tried to get to his fiancée. His brother was by his side, trying to drag him away from the flames when they burned the woman to ash. He was screaming and fighting against the grip, so you bolted down the stairs and grabbed him by the arm. “There is nothing you can do Scamander. We have to leave. Don’t let her sacrifice be a lost cause!” you yelled at him and that seemed to get to him a little. You made it out of the mausoleum barely as blue flames burst through the openings and burned everything in their path. Your hand was still wrapped around his upper arm when you were joined by an old, sickly looking wizard.

The circle around the graveyard was quickly formed and once you claimed your position, you drove your wand into the ground with a yell. A golden line formed on the ground and you watched as the flames were encased by the ward and orange flames until they were dragged into the building and finally snuffed out.

You stood next to your boss on the bridge as you watched his brother talk to Dumbledore. “He was right,” the man said and you looked at him. It was one of the few things he had said after watching Leta die and even though you still didn’t really like him, even you would try to be nice. “What do you mean?” He gestured towards Dumbledore. “He warned us. You were there. You tried to remind me but I brushed it off because Travers told me so. We never should have entered that mausoleum.” You hesitated, then placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. “I did warn you but even I couldn’t have imagined that. It wasn’t your fault. She made her own decisions.” You looked out towards Hogwarts. So many students behind the wall didn’t know what had happened only hours ago. Since the obscurial joined Grindelwald, you wouldn’t even deem this place safe and there was hardly anything better protected. “A lot will change, I suppose,” he said, following your gaze. You hummed in agreement, then added, “A lot already has.”

Your little group disbanded, one by one of those that were left walking past the wards and vanishing into thin air. You turned to follow and to your surprise he fell into step next to you. “What are you going to do now?” he asked, hands shoved into his pockets and eyes focused on the stones below them. You shrugged. “Get some rest. Grief those we lost. And when it is called for, fight. That means, if I’m allowed to leave the office now, sir,” you replied and noticed the ghost of a smile cross his lips.

“I can hardly bench my best auror now, can I?” he said and you gave him a firm smile before disapparating.

The next time you stepped into the office, it had changed. Some tables had been cleared which tightened a knot in your stomach. Another desk had been set up before Scamander’s office. A woman was sitting at it, avidly reading over some papers. She looked up and gave you an easy smile as you approached. “Ah, you must be Miss Y/L/N. I’m Priscilla Selpie, Mr Scamander’s new secretary and assistant. He asked me to send you inside once you were here.”

You thanked her with a nod and a smile then entered after knocking. “So you actually listened to me,” you said instead of greeting him and he looked up. “Good morning to you, too. And you actually still don’t care for politeness.” He rounded his desk and leaned against it. You doubted that he had slept much since your return from Paris, judging from his messy hair, his pale face and the very noticeable bags under his eyes. Even his suit jacket had creases where they didn’t belong, completely untypical.

“You know, maybe you should listen to another advice of mine and try to take some time off. You just lost someone, it is understandable,” you said and he shook his head. “I got restless at home. It was bad. This way I can keep busy and distract myself. And try to find the man who is behind all of this.” You looked at the picture of Leta Lestrange on his desk and he followed your gaze. “You hated her, didn’t you? At least, that’s what she thought.” Now it was your time to shake your head. “No, I hated you. I felt really more indifferent towards her than anything else. Admittedly, I was wondering a little how she could love an ass like you but now that I’ve seen some other sides of you... She seems less of a lunatic and more of a normal woman with a type.”

A fond smile crossed his face. “So, hated? Past tense?” You rolled your eyes at him. “That does not mean that I like you, Scamander but... let’s just say that my feelings towards you are neutral. I hope that’s enough for now.” Still, your tone wasn’t harsh. You did have more than enough time to think about what happened and what he told you and in the end he was deemed potentially likeable. Maybe, in the near future, you could even become friends.

He looked at you for a moment, then nodded. “For now.”

And friends you did become. It was two years after the graveyard and you knew that he wouldn’t have it easy today. You greeted Priscilla who smiled at you cheerily and entered the office without knocking. “Alright, Scamander, time for dinner.” Even though he had asked you along the way to use his first name, you refused to do so, just because of how much it annoyed him. Still, it was different than before, spoken with at least 40% more fondness and 75% less irritation. Of course, those numbers varied from day to day.

He didn’t look up. “I’m not really in the mood for dinner” You didn’t bother and forcibly closed the book he was reading, staring down at him. “Well, then you better get in the mood quickly because we are going. You have no say in that. I’m not going to let you gloom in your office for the rest of your day only to end it with a bottle of bourbon. I watched that last year.” He leaned back and rubbed across his neck, clearly tense from looking down the entire time. “I don’t see you barge into my brother’s house to invite him to dinner,” he replied and you raised your eyebrows at him. “Well, Newt has a friend and a nice American lady by his side, so he doesn’t need me but you do, so get up before I hex you.” He reluctantly did, whether because of your reasoning or your threat was unsure but irrelevant.

He followed you out the building and towards a cozy muggle restaurant close to the ministry. “Why aren’t we going somewhere... uh...” You grinned as he struggled with finding the right word, then interrupted him. “Because you need a break from magic and everything that comes with it. So we’ll eat at a muggle place.”

Despite his original hesitation, he seemed to enjoy both the food and the surroundings. Afterwards, you insisted on taking a walk. He walked beside you for a while without saying anything. “I should probably go home... I don’t want to bother you for longer.” You gave him a pointed look and he almost helplessly lifted his shoulders. “Scamander, I already said I’m not going to let you drink your sorrow away. At least not alone. Now come one, I have some drinks at my place.” You offered him your arms and when he put his hand on it, apparated you both to your place. He looked around, the first time he set foot into your flat.

“Take a seat,” you offered and he sat down on your sofa while you retrieved the bourbon and two glasses, placing them on the coffee table and filling them.

In the end, he slept on your sofa after pouring his heart out to you in a less-than-sober state. Whatever he had told you, you would keep it to yourself, you decided.

On the third anniversary you repeated it. Again, he stayed on your sofa for the night and you woke him up the next morning with a strong coffee. He sat at you dinner table while you prepared some breakfast and seemed to watch you. “How personal did I get?” he asked after a while and you laughed a little. “Even more than last time.” You watched him for a moment before returning your attention to the food in front of you.

He had told you how he wanted to move on but still felt guilty about it. That he knew he couldn’t stay like this forever but that he didn’t want to disappoint or forget her, let alone give off the feeling he wanted to replace her. Then you hadn’t said much with real essence but now you wanted to do so. Still, you couldn’t think of the exact words. And a while ago, another issue had occurred.

Finally you could understand how Leta could have love an ass like him.

You entered his office and put the mug down on his desk. “I thought you could use a coffee. This mission was hell.” It wasn’t the first time you did field work but surely the hardest. Or at least second hardest. Nothing would ever trump Paris. At least you hoped it wouldn’t. He took the coffee and sipped on it before thanking you.

“Anything you want?” he asked and you shook your head, leaning against his desk sideways to watch what he was doing. “I finished the report and handed it over to Priscilla. You should take a break. If you continue to squint at the paper like that you’ll get wrinkles or need glasses. Or both. Probably both.” He gave you a tired smile and stretched a little before standing up and joining you on the other side of the desk. His elbow bumped into yours as he took another sip.

“You are always worrying about me,” he teased and you laughed. “Someone has to. You’re clearly not doing it.” He smiled and now intentionally bumped his elbow into your side. Both of you quickly sobered up, then he spoke again. “You know, I’ve been thinking a lot lately. We started out literally hating each other and now... never would have imagined that when we first met.” You nodded, smiling into your mug. “Likewise. But I don’t mind this at all.”

He hummed and you could see from the corner of your eye that he was watching you. “Can I help you with something?” You put your mug down on the desk and looked at him. His expression seemed clouded for a moment, then he leaned forward. You unintentionally held your breath but he stopped and pulled back, then turned away. “Sorry. I’m... I just...” he sighed and you put your hand on his which was gripping the edge of the desk hard. “I know. It’s okay. I understand.” He turned around only to look at you with surprise written on his face. “How do you... wait... the anniversary?” You nodded and gave him a warm smile. “Take your time, Theseus. I won’t go anywhere.” This time, you used his first name intentionally.

Now you leaned forward, to press a kiss on his cheek. “I’ll leave you to it.” You picked up your mug again and pushed away from the desk, not getting further than a step.

His hand around your wrist stopped you. You halted, waiting for him to act, which he did by spinning you around and planting his lips on yours. You willingly melted into him, trying not to drop your coffee, smiling against his lips the entire time.

When you parted, you looked him into the eyes and planted another short kiss on his lips. “That was quicker than expected.” He smiled, a little sheepishly even, and brushed some hair behind your ear. “You made it easier. I’m glad I drunkenly confessed that. Otherwise I might have let you walk out,” he said and your smile only widened. “Would have been a shame, really. But I’m glad you didn’t.”

Whatever this would grow into, it somehow had been years in the making, neither of you could deny that. It truly had been a wild ride and with the uncertainty of the future, it would surely stay just as interesting but it was easier to look ahead when you knew someone by your side.

#romancemonth #theseus imagine #theseus x reader #theseus scamander

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olaf-likeswarmhugs · 4 years

Text

Olaf’s Frozen Adventure Part 1 || Chapter Six: December 4

A/N: So…how did Olaf end up in Swynlake?! The journey began months ago! Things sure are changing in the Icelandic Hollow, and the more they do, the more Olaf has to question. In this chapter: Olaf’s doubts grow and the boys struggle to say everything they’re feeling...

@HULDUFOLK-HJARN CHAPTER ONE CHAPTER TWO CHAPTER THREE CHAPTER FOUR CHAPTER FIVE

Olaf: Sindri?

Sindri: Hi!

Olaf: Hi! how are you? have you gotten your seven hugs yet?? Olaf: i texted nemo and he said he texted u seven hug emojis and i told him it didnt count so please remind him for me that it does not count

Sindri: he did he gives pretty good hugs but not as good as yours

Olaf: well it is my talent haha Olaf: hey sindri, you know how our talent is supposed to... mean something, like, it's what you're meant to do? Olaf: do you miss frosting things sometimes. like, professionally

Sindri: yeah sometimes, but I kind of think right now my talent reminds me what is really important Sindri: like if I don't do anything the world might not even need me anymore Sindri: I dont know if that makes sense

Olaf: so in a way, you're still performing your talent? just differently?

Sindri: yeah! Sindri: like deep down frosting things is still very important to me but in a bigger way that doesnt need me to frost windows right now even though that's pretty fun

Olaf: yeah yeah right Olaf [deleted]: when did it start to feel like Olaf [deleted]: so you felt like you had to Olaf: well that's really icy, sindri! i wonder if thats how other fairies feel, you know, who leave hollows and stuff Olaf: like they are doing their talents in new ways!

Sindri: I think so!

Sindri: well I do at least

Sindri: is everything okay?

Olaf: oh sure

Olaf: i just got in a teeny bit of trouble with Honeymaren haha Olaf: nothing serious! its just, well, i started making her clients late to their appointments bc i would start talking to them and thats not my talent haha Olaf: she's the listening talent, not me! Olaf: im just thinking about things i guess

Sindri: ur not allowed to talk to them at all?

Olaf: i mean i can /talk/ to them Olaf: i guess i cant listen to them or....you know. i think hugging pixies make pixies very comfy and open to talking which is why im really a perfect assistant to a listening fairy, queen iduna knew her stuff Olaf: its just that i get carried away sometimes because i want to help Olaf: i guess its habit from being a helper talent all those years

Sindri: I think it's kind of silly for you to get on trouble for helping :(

Olaf: yeah Olaf: yeah! Olaf: im not trying to get in honeymaren's way im really not Olaf: though i suppose she is right...she was telling me that she builds whole relationships with pixies over weeks or years and what she does isnt just comforting a friend, its active listening, which is something i dont know anything about

Sindri: do I need to yell at her?

Olaf: no i mean im the problem

Sindri: no you're not!

Olaf: i am though Olaf: sindri i thought once i knew my talent, everything was going to make a lot of sense but i think its gotten more confusing

Sindri: no because all you're doing is comforting pixies and listening to them when they talk instead of turning them away because you care so much. your heart is so big!

Olaf: i think its maybe too big Olaf: hugging talent feels so small, i mean Olaf: like sometimes i feel like i was happier as a helper talent Olaf: but thats awful. Thats not how Im supposed to feel. Finding my talent is supposed to be... Olaf: maybe it ISNT my talent maybe Queen Iduna was wrong and i really am just talentless haha

Sindri: olaf you are not talentless Sindri: you are so loving and great and you care so much about others and no matter what you can always find something to smile Sindri: I'm really sorry you are feeling sad because I love you very much I wish I was there and could help you

Olaf [deleted]: I dont think you can help me. i dont know if anyone Olaf [deleted]: im not sad dont wor Olaf: its okay! maybe im just too impatient Olaf: this will all make sense after a little bit of time has passed and i adjust. i just need to give it more time, right?

Sindri: I'm sure it will! Sindri [deleted]: I feel like such a horrible friend for not Sindri [deleted]: we need to see each other Sindri: maybe you can take a break

Olaf: a break? but i really just started a month ago Olaf: plus its the busiest time of year!

Sindri: but Sindri: i just want you to do what's best for you Sindri: you're important too Sindri: I'm not there to take care of you so you have to do it

Olaf: i am! Olaf: i just think id be bored Olaf: everyone would be so busy, you know? no one could do anything and i think id just get lonely and restless Olaf: i like working, i do

Sindri: you could come here :) Sindri: jk but you shouldn't overwork yourself

Olaf: im underworked if anything Olaf: bla i shouldnt be complaining

Sindri: also make sure you tell honeymaren from me to shut up

Olaf: no she's right Olaf: i need to respect other people's talents

Sindri: well I think hugging and listening go together and shes probably mad because people are so willing to open up to you Sindri: jealous

Olaf: ahha you would say that Olaf: thanks, that makes me feel better even if its probably not true

Sindri: I bet is is true because she had to talk to them for years and stuff and then they tell u all their problems in two seconds Sindri: I never liked her

Olaf: ur just saying that because she got upset at me xP

Sindri: maybe Sindri: but shes also not nice

Olaf: she IS nice thats why people like her and talk to her! Olaf: i like her too, she's right that i am not trained in giving advice i wasnt ever a listening apprentice Olaf: ...though i bet id be a GOOD listening apprentice

Sindri: you would be Sindri: i know I always say this but I just really miss you

Olaf: i miss you too Olaf: but its better right? nemo is helping? he says he's going to invite you to slumber Olaf: oh wait Olaf: whoops! Olaf: pretend you are very surprised!!!

Sindri: what Sindri: ugh I feel like I'm a bad friend to nemo he helps me all the time I love him too hes great

Olaf: thats really funny because he said the same thing to me Olaf: well he said that he's thankful for my advice, because he wants to be a better friend to you Olaf: he is great. you're great too, sindri. you should both realize how great you are!

Sindri: i want you to meet him really bad you'd really get along

Olaf: psssh we already do. i am currently kicking his PETUNIA (hehe) in words with friends Olaf: he taught me that Olaf: petunia Olaf: its so cute! spring fairies are so cute!

Sindri: HAHAHA arent they! He says breezy too Sindri: it's so cute I want to pinch his cheeks

Olaf: me too!! Olaf: though oo he played hoarfrost and he told me you taught him that Olaf: very frosty sindri

Sindri: i felt bad about that

Olaf: i think its HILARIOUS

Sindri: no hes still young!

Olaf: pssh we said hoarfrost all the time when we were his age

Sindri: yeah but I'm trying to be a good hyung to him I dont think that means teaching him things like hoarfrost! Or fokk either so dont say that one

Olaf: whats a hyung again?

Sindri: like a big brother kind of

Olaf: oh right! oh that's so cute sindri

#soft #story #olaf's frozen adventure

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deniigi · 5 years

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Hello! Just about to sit down and read your newest fic, so excited about it! I had a question for you (you very well may have answered this already, so sorry in advance!), but do you have advice for writing? Advice in terms of getting start, plotting out stories, helping get the creative juices flowing? I have all these ideas but seem to lack the drive to get things written out. I know the best advice is to just write, but I'm having a horrible time starting. What do you do in those moments?

Hello my dear!

Sorry for taking so long to get back to you. The lord has blessed me with a head cold and ruined all my plans of productivity for the day, so I can finally answer this ask! I’ll talk a little bit about both how to get started with a story and then some little things that help me motivate myself.

I have started a tag for writing advice here: http://deniigi.tumblr.com/tagged/writing-advice

This is going to be a long post, sorry mobile users.

I am going to preface all of this with the understanding that I am technically a professional writer in terms of like, a handful of ways, but I have absolutely zero training in creative writing, so take everything I say with a grain of salt!

So, I personally find that, on the whole, that psychological hurdle of getting started comes a lot from the anticipation of the kind of response a story will get (how many hits, how many comments, how many kudos) in addition to a bit of anxiety or fear over theloss of sustained interest in that story (by yourself and/or by your audience). I find that this can be alleviated by really, truly internalizing the understanding that you are allowed to write your work however you damn please, for whoever you damn please.

There will be work you write for others, and there will be work you write for yourself. Not all work needs to be published; sometimes, it is really nice to just write shit for yourself; it is a plus for humanity if you decide to share it with others, but you do not have to do that.

Furthermore, I would like to present you with this:

This is what my current folder for under fire looks like. And you might notice that there are almost always multiple drafts per chapter. Yes, I did in fact rewrite chapter four 5 fucking times, you bet your ass I did. And I’m not ashamed of it. I think the story is better for it. And that’s the important thing here: you do not need to produce a perfect draft the first time around. You will not produce that perfect draft. Accept this. Embrace this. Embrace it and your cat at the same time to really ingrain it as a warm, fuzzy feeling.

Liberate yourself from the pressure of needing to produce the perfect, most right draft and you may find starting the piece overall to be a much easier, more pleasant experience.

And along with this beautiful, uplifting spiritual advice, I also bring a practical thought: when it comes to getting started, a lot of times, people feel like they need to set the stage, yadda yadda yadda. Ha. No. Fuck that.

That’s a surefire way to bore the shit out of yourself. Start right in the middle of a scene that captivates you if that’s what you want to write. It’s a free platform. No one’s gonna arrest you if you stick Spiderman upside down in trash first thing. They might even applaud you actually, because you didn’t make them slog through some of that ‘It was the evening of the 25th and it was cold out in the streets” bullshit we all learned from Dickens.

Alright. Now let’s talk about actually getting started making words appear on paper.

So, from my knowledge there are generally two ways that folks write creatively. You have what I’m going to call the planners and then you what I’m going to call the monsters (I call them this entirely affectionately, I’m sure there’s a better word for these folks, but I don’t have it atm, all I have is a headcold). Planners are folks who sit down and work out their major plot points, who write outlines, and who create the scaffolding of their work before they set out on their magical journey. I think of these folks as architects.

And then you have the monsters and these are those fuckers who just sit down and write stream of consciously like the heathens all our high school teachers tried to teach us not to be.

I am both a planner and a monster. And a lot of that depends on the length of work I’m going for. I have never in my life planned a one-shot, for example. I just attack that as it is. I follow my heart, if you will. But when it comes to longer chaptered fics, I really do think that some outlining is super helpful.

You might find it useful for one-shots, though, I dunno. Maybe give it a try and see what happens?

The two main fics I’ve done proper outlines for are Inimitable and under fire and I actually find outlining to be immensely helpful in psyching me up to write the story (I go through and re-read my outlines when I start to lose interest or diverge too much from the plot outlined there in the actual writing. 9 times out of 10, re-reading gets me stupid excited to write all over again) and it also helps me keep momentum going throughout the plot.

Here’s a pic of some pages of under fire’s outline.

Physically writing the work is really important for me because it forces me to only put down key points/feelings/ideas I want to include, whereas typing gives me far too much room to get lost/distracted by extraneous detail. And since my handwriting is a teacher’s worst nightmare and I cross out shit and write huge with emotion, I’ll give you a little bit of what the middle page here says:

Miles-

there’s something thrumming

vibrating in his ears wherever he goes

-closes his eyes and somehow enters blackness- emptyness (Stranger Things style)

beat

“help.”

–BACK - everything is gone

closing his eyes doesn’t bring the space back

–it makes him panic. He doesn’t know why. His heart is pounding. He’s sweating He has a horrible feeling of doom.

beat

its gone.

he goes home anxiously. Pretends everything is normal.

his neck crawls

So basically it’s less of a formal outline and more of a collection of stream of consciousness feelings and screenplay directions which I’ll flesh out in the actual story.

Personally, I love writing these kinds of things because they get me pumped for the story I’m about to tell. I get to write out the key scenes and work through all the hard parts first, and then, while I’m writing, I work through the little fun details and banter and I have to write to figure out how we get from one scene to the next and I love the challenge of having to fit those pieces together. I very rarely stick strictly to my outline, (as anyone who is currently reading under fire can tell you right now), but I do try to stick to the main plot points in it and my writing is certainly better for it.

So yes. Outlining is very good, but it is even better when you do it to some kind of music. I listened to What’s Up Danger from the Into the Spiderverse soundtrack on repeat while I wrote this outline to kind of transfer some of the relentless pace conveyed in that song to the piece’s plot.

I highly recommend using music to set the mood of your piece while/before you write a piece of any length. It helps get you in the right headspace (excited or somber or angry) to write. You need emotion to write creatively. You can’t just make that happen sometimes; you need a little help.

A couple other things which might help:

1. Leave your house or the space you’re normally in. Go to a cafe and find a nice corner and have a think and a try in there. Sometimes moving to a different space helps you escape cyclical thinking patterns.

2. Write what you want to read. Don’t bother writing for other peoples’ interests; that’ll just bore the shit out of you all over again.

3. Find an atmospheric mood sound to listen to on Youtube or smth (I personally like Rain on a Car Windshield for slightly somber fics, but you might be into ocean storms or dripping caves or whatever).

4. Heat your feet. I don’t know why but I am entirely unproductive when my feet are cold. Maybe this one is me-specific, but whatevs. Heat the feets!

5. If you’re still having trouble just sitting down and pounding the story out, that’s okay! Maybe it’s not ready to be written yet. Maybe you’re not in the right headspace yet. Sometimes that’s just how it is. One story makes its way out in like, a hour, and the next one takes like, months to finally be written. We all work at different paces. We all write for different reasons.

It might help to figure out why you want to write a story before you write it. Like, if its for attention, it’s gonna be hard as hell. But if there’s an idea that you feel like is important or if there’s a mood you’re trying to work yourself into or out of, then that might be a little easier. For example, I wrote a piece called make it work which is about Fogs finding his motivation to be a lawyer and fight for justice when Kavanaugh was confirmed and I felt super helpless in the face of our present justice system. That story kind of wrote itself and it needed to be written, I feel, not just for me, but for others who were feeling just as helpless.

Writing is catharsis in that way. Maybe you just need to find out what you need to wring out of your soul.

Sorry that got very metaphysical. But I do want to stress that getting started and ending a story are the hardest parts of writing them, so you are definitely not alone if you feel like you’re ramming your head into a wall here.

I hope something here helps you, my dear!

#fic #writing advice #fanfiction #managingmischiefsince1988

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ayz8yf9q-blog · 5 years

Text

Would you buy rapture insurance?””

Would you buy rapture insurance?

If you believe in the rapture, would you purchase insurance to be paid out to your family members you have left behind . I mean if you re the bread winner, and just vanish . Who is going to pay the rent, who is going to buy the food. People carry life insurance, and have social security to help families, but I m pretty sure they wouldn t cover rapture ... --not superstitious

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