#ill be rb this several times this week

[damnedreams]

Blog Rules Update

I updated the rules on my CARRD. If you’d like to read them, they’re ready to go on the CARRD. Really the biggest changes went to rule 3 and onward. 

If you don’t feel like going to the card, they’re under the read more. Thanks for reading and hopefully they don’t put you off. Although if you’re like Jana gone off the deep end, feel free to unfollow too. As always do what is best for YOU. :)

As always, if you have ANY question feel free to ask me. 

Three: This rule will focus on plotting and dynamics (beware it's long).

Plotting: I enjoy a good plotting session. It helps with creating a rough roadmap of what we will be writing. I need some guidance, since I'm finding it a little difficult lately to go off the fly if what we're working towards is not established. By this I mean are the muses working toward a relationship? What kind of plot are we doing? What is the purpose of their interaction? I can be flexible with this during the first few interactions as we try find our rhythm. However, if it continues then I will most likely lose interest and drop the thread. With that said, I also like for us to establish what verse we're working in, it helps in wrapping my mind the world the muses are in. Lastly when we plot know who you'd like to use if you're a multi and a basic idea of what you like out of our interaction/thread. I am going to try and be more intentional here as well by having at least a muse in mind and having some idea of what I want.

It's okay to say I don't have anything right now, but add to the conversation. Ask questions or despite not having an idea know you'd like to do something in this kind of verse for example. If you need time to think, feel free to tell me! I'm terrible coming up with shit on the spot myself, so I understand. As long as we have direction then we're good.

Dynamics/Bonds: In terms of dynamics that can mean romantic, platonic, familial, antagonist, etc. I enjoy developing them, because it allows for me to become more familiar with your muse. I am getting to know them through the interactions of my muse. It definitely helps getting more writing done on my end of things. Plus I do get more ideas and motivation because now I have an idea of how these muses vibe together. With that said I want my muses to have mains that they can bother!

Just because I love the layers relationships add to muses, I will have my muses interact with my others or have histories with them. An example being if you're interacting with Izuku or Katsuki, I could have those two crushing on each other or one on the other. Or maybe they were an item before your muse came into the picture. Another example is Sasuke and Yuuta could know each other, Sasuke trained Yuuta at one point and that's his teacher he'll bug at times. I like to sprinkle those kinds of plot aspects into my interactions as well.If you're interested in the above for our muses, then feel free to let me know. I have no issues with doing pre-established bonds.

The tldr to this rule is I want to be intentional in my writing. I want plots and bonds to occur. That way we get to write more variety.

Four:

Following and unfollowing: I follow those who have rules and about pages. I look at the writing after, to see what kind of vibe I get from the blog. If I feel it, I’ll follow. If not, I won’t. Unfollowing, I usually just soft block if I decide to break a mutual follow. If the person’s rules ask for a hard block I will do that. After about three month of inactivity I will unfollow. I will also unfollow if we don't interact after a month of following each other.

With rule three in mind, this means I'm going to become selective in those who I follow. I am going to try and focus in being intentional with those I follow by trying to build plots and bonds with my mutuals. If I don't feel the vibe to do so, then I will most likely unfollow. Or if I feel you're not into it as much, or feel we're not going anywhere in terms of plot or dynamics then I will unfollow.

Five:

Despite my long ass explanation on rule three, I am very flexible and understanding. Communication is key. I hope that doesn't deter you from interacting. Right now I have a little more time on my hands that I can dedicate to writing. I'm trying to figure myself out and that's what I find myself vibing with at the moment. The rules could change in the next month or several months. I'm human and forever changing, along with my situation!

Also when we're speaking OOC, I do want to address that I take some time to respond at times. My social energy has it's ups and downs. Other times I am thinking of what to say because I do feel I'm a bit awkward when it comes to talking. If I take longer than five days to respond, feel free to poke me. I don't mind the reminder. The closer we become the more responsive I become, I can take some time to warm up to people. Just so you're aware.

Six:

I don't really format my posts other than using small text. I'll use icons from time to time, but other than there is no other formatting to my posts. If you'd like regular text feel free to tell me.

Inbox Prompts - I tend to reblog those on the fly and because of that my interest in them tends to waver a lot. After a month I will go through the prompts I have and either give them another month or delete them. Again if we got a good plot going or our muses are getting along really well (antagonistic counts!) there's a higher chance they'll get answered.

#.blog update #.j ooc #ill be rb this several times this week #thank you for reading! :) #honestly tho this is more for me bc ive realized i really enjoy structure ^^; #so i gotta adjust and see if this works #if not back to the drawing board!

[helsex-moved]

EMERGENCY COMMISSIONS OPEN

Style A:

Style B:

[I.D. in alt text]

My commissions are now officially open! I'm not super happy about it but I am hesitantly putting these at emergency status.

I have four slots available, you can contact me via Tumblr and from there we can continue through Discord if you prefer or stay in Tumblr DMs. (note: I may require your email to send a PayPal invoice and/or the finalized commission)

If you have any questions don't hesitate to send a DM or ask!

If you want to rb to spread this that'd be great! /nf

More information about my situation and why I'm calling these emergency commissions is below the cut. (Warning for abuse mentions)

My family, and parents especially are abusive, transphobic, homophobic, and very callous and resistant to giving me the help I need even after several professional diagnoses of autoimmune conditions and chronic illness. They are particularly obstinate to even acknowledging my worsening mental health, to the point of where I have completely given up.

They control and monitor every single place I go, everything on my devices, routinely search through my closet and drawers and take my items as well as being emotionally and verbally abusive. Even my brother is following in their footsteps becoming bigoted and physically abusive to me.

I don't want to go on too much of a rant but they are really bad and only getting worse. I'll never get the care I need, or any love or support from them.

So, if I'm going to survive I have to move away. I have a place in mind, and am putting together a careful plan, but I have no friends or IRL support system I'm doing this completely alone. I have about 11 months until I can attempt this, which might sound like a lot but it's really not. My job currently is destroying my body, pays barely minimum wage, and only around 20 hours a week. I'm good with money and saving (I already bought my first car outright) but at this rate I won't have enough to move out in time. So anything helps, I'm trying my best here. I hate asking for help, it makes me feel really guilty but if you don't want to commission and still want to support me here is my Kofi.

Thanks for reading!

#doc says stuff #kirby kreates #commissions #emergency commissions #artists on tumblr #tw abuse mention

[them-awesome-rarepairs]

hi everyone ^^ i just wanted to thank all of you so far for all the engagement in rarepair week this year!! i will not lie when i saw the poll results i was so sure we would flop but you actually proved me wrong and i am so so happy for that :')

i still have several entries left in the notifications and the tag to rb (ill get through those as soon as i get free time), and though 2023 rarepair week is technically over, do not forget that im always accepting late entries

okay. yeah i think that's all. so thank you again <33 hopefully ill see you next year

#pjorarepairs2023 #there are sooo many entries this year i could cry 🥺 /pos #we haven't had this much engagement since 2020 HDSDHKFDHFDH #ill still rb late entries guys i love late entries i love rbing all the things you make i promise <3 #heck i even rb things that aren't entries sometimes

[merryslilhobbit]

The Saga of F1 2023

Given the announcement today that the Abu Dhabi GP may be cancelled, I thought what a crazy year this has been in Formula 1 (note: this is my first full season for a few years, so I may be exaggerating, however...). And we're nearly at the end already - time flies when you're having fun...

**I have probably forgotten some exciting stuff here, so I apologise. Feel free to comment/message & I can add more craziness in.

The Honey Badger Returns

Despite everyone assuming Daniel Ricciardo would be on the sidelines for 2023, just one test drive after Silverstone in July led to RB/AT dropping Nyck De Vries (yes, he was already on his last legs with the team) and putting Daniel straight in at Hungary. Fans got very excited to see Danny Ric back, only for him to crash a few weeks later, damaging his hand & being out for 5 races. A perfectly-timed (second) return at Austin/COTA was only average (thanks to damage) but his P4 qualifying & P7 finish at Mexico (more on that later) showed that the Honey Badger is very much back. And as Karun said, there's a honey badger circling for that 2nd RB seat. Drive to Survive will be wetting themselves over this storyline, I guarantee it.

Checo, the Red Bull Bumper Car and that beautiful floor

To be fair, Checo had a very good start to the season and looked like he would be challenging Max for the WDC. Then came Monaco, where he gave the world its first look at the Red Bull floor thanks to a collision with a barrier. Much excitement ensued! Just a few races later and another barrier collision led to an updated photo of an updated floor. Since then he's decided that colliding with other drivers instead of barriers is better - see Alex Albon in Singapore and Charles Leclerc in Mexico, to mention just a few. And now that I've mentioned Mexico.... a very good qualifying performance, within a couple of tenths of Max (finally!) only to be outshone by Ricciardo in P4. Checo had a great start, but pushing too hard (desperation?) led to that collision with Leclerc that took him out of his home race on the first lap. It's worth remembering that despite all of this, Perez is still second in the WDC.

The One Where Drivers Almost Passed Out

Qatar gave us a whole new drama with three mandatory pitstops during the race due to questions over tyre reliability/safety, serious overheating in the cockpit - Logan Sargeant retiring due to ill health, Lance Stroll saying he was almost blacking out, Stroll and Albon barely able to get out of their cars, several taking themselves to medical to get attention, Alonso suffering burns.

Qatar also gave us....

Lewis Hamilton crashing into George Russell.

And as for Russell...

Remember how he crashed out of Singapore on the final lap of the race, when pushing for a podium? Yeah.

Aston Martin & Alonso - a match made in heaven?

Remember at the start of the season Fernando Alonso got all those podiums? All those wonderful celebrations with the team? And how he loved driving the car? So much so that he was commenting on Stroll's overtakes during Miami. And lots of great advice and teamwork over the radio.

Not so much now sadly.

To Race Or Not To Race

The Chinese Grand Prix was removed from the provisional calendar before the season started due to remaining covid restrictions.

The Australian Grand Prix had a record three red flags.

The Italian Grand Prix was cancelled due to flooding.

The Belgian Grand Prix was almost rained off.

The upcoming Las Vegas Grand Prix seems to be somewhat controversial.

The Abu Dhabi Grand Prix may be cancelled due to unrest in the region.

Everyone Gets A Penalty

Track limits has dominated a few races (Austria, Qatar) and caught multiple drivers out, sometimes on multiple occasions. Definitely been a talking point of the season, and how to fix it. The biggest victim of penalties this season, however, seems to be poor Esteban Ocon (so much so it's become a running joke/meme), following the Bahrain Grand Prix where he received 3 and Austria (30 seconds).

Biggest drama of penalties, however, had to be Hamilton and Leclerc's disqualifications from the Austin GP following the race when their floors were found to be too low.

Celebrations & Broken Trophies

Despite a miserable start to the season, Lando Norris has been on fire since Austria with several podiums but has to be a bit careful now after he broke Max Verstappen's winning Hungarian GP trophy. Oops! To be fair to Lando, Red Bull have broken a few trophies themselves this season....

So what's left?

There's a spare Williams seat that needs filling.

Oh and silly season has arrived late, with just a handful of races left. Will Alonso stay at Aston? Will Stroll sell the team? Will Checo keep his seat for 2024?

Somehow I don't think 2023 is quite done yet....

#f1 #formula 1 #2023 season #red bull #mercedes #mclaren #norris #hamilton #leclerc #alonso #checo #perez #russell #ricciardo #thoughts on the season

[aropride]

doing a new thing called Playlist Show And Tell where i tell u the stories behind my playlists. dont rb pls i kind of started ripping out pieces of my soul and putting them in this post <3

[paragraph break so tumblr doesnt eat the readmore]

made this one sobbing in my best friend's basement bc i thought she hated me because i was a fundamentally bad person. this was one and a half months into the two and a half months i stayed with her & i ended up withdrawing a lot after that day bc i was convinced they all hated me.

i hate the playlist cover but this is the second part to a third part trilogy based on the phrase "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." the first is all positive songs esp those with a "dont kill yourself" theme, the second and third are different flavours of depressing music. this one is the third.

after i made this playlist in 2020 i didnt even look at it and would literally close my eyes to add new songs. when i got to my college dorm i watched a tommy stream and then i listened to this playlist. this was one of the first times i was like. hey. maybe i'll live til college.

playlist title is from something tubbo said. songs only get the honour of going in this playlist if i've sobbed listening to them

went to see my friend and we spent 3 hours in her car in my driveway parked listening to music & i started a collection of songs that remind me of her

THIS ONE. man. i'm. ok. my whole thing for like, my whole internet experience. has been. "abusing people is bad." & i was big on Discoursing about it in like. 2017-2019. and people would tell me "connor (deh) isnt abusive, he's mentally ill he cant be." and i would go. "hey. what if someone internalized that and doesnt realize theyre being abused bc they think it doesnt 'count' bc their abuser is mentally ill." and erm. well you have one guess what happened to me.

i came out when i was seventeen bc i wanted the right name on my 18th bday cake. it didnt. go that way and i ended up in a crisis unit. and i promised myself on my 19th bday id write my name on my cake. & 5 days before my 19th bday i went thru something traumatic and forgot to decorate the cake i bought myself. so several months later i went to the store & got a cake & icing and wrote "happy bday nik" on it.

songs for a guy who is so fucking lonely. songs for a guy who hasn't spoken to anyone in 5 days straight. songs for someone who hasn't done his math work in five weeks. songs for someone who spends 14 hours a week online. songs for someone who needs to drop out due to his ptsd being unmanagable.

songs to blast when you're finally a week away from leaving ur college.

i made this playlist when i was .. 14? and convinced the day i turned 18 i'd pack my bags and leave my family forever. that. didn't happen. however i did cry my eyes out listening to this while packing to go to college. & it was even worse listening to it packing to go home from college.

FAWK. THERE'S AN AUDIO LIMIT. I ONLY HAVE ONE LEFT TGAT I WANTED TO SHARE. dude. hang on.

#suicide tw #<- the whole post is just.. like that. Sorry. i make playlists when im sad #abuse tw #trauma mention #Spotify #text

[jasperlion]

[ Gonna circulate this several times but

Please tag your pokemon sword and shield spoilers.

Even just ‘#pokemon’ will do! Thanks. ]

#[ wulf speaks ] #ill rb this several times through the next few weeks #its grounds for insta unfollow from me. #the rules were updated to reflect this but i didnt post abt it at the time

[dxppercxdxver]

.

#do not rb #emetophobia tw #i have felt. stress nauseated for the last. Several Weeks #and nothing recently has helped that #i only have six days of schools left but everything between me and the end of the year #makes me want to fucking puke #three projects due on friday announced last week and today respectively #multiple tests #ap exam #can't leave or i tank all my grades #the only saving grace is that i don't have to take finals as of right now #and i keep stressing that i'll miss the saf ticket sale #which is minor in comparison but still means a lot to me #every time i look at my to do list my stomach twists up and i feel Incredibly Paralyzed By Decisions #so incredibly ill #i'm gonna scream #and possibly strangle multiple people #i feel. the worst i've felt in four years #radio free junebug

[kristines-galaxy-of-blackholes]

Alright loves, I know it's only just November...

But I really want to send my mutuals holiday gifts again! I had a lot of fun last year and put in way too much effort but it was worth it.

I want to post this now because I need time for people to see this, to plan what I want to give, to get it, package it, and get it sent off in time, especially for my international peeps who need like 2-3 weeks. So if you want to receive a gift of yet undetermined contents from me then send me a message and we can exchange addresses. I in no way expect that you send me something, but you can if you'd like and if not I figure it's only fair that you get to know where I live too as collateral lol.

*If you don't celebrate the holidays but want a gift just for fun I will still be happy to send you something non aligned!*

The festive season is looming!

#kristine gives gifts #ill be rb ing this several times in the next few weeks im sorry #for my mutuals

[hqrbinger]

hello, this is just me wanting to put out a quick thank you msg (and a small mini rant quick tw for small mentions of mental illness)-

i am really, really grateful for this community.

genshinblr has its faults, but i cannot say how truly, truly grateful i am for everyone i have met here, even i only just met u bc of the rp group.

i recently have been feeling extreme anxiety over the actions of a friend i've had for just over a year, i was even afraid to show my activity on discord because i didnt want her to see me online. we were extremely close, even thought we met online we would be talking all day, and we sent hours of voicenotes and knew almost everything about eachother. i went through some nasty shit, i have severe anemia and i was almost admitted to the hospital for an iron infusion, i was diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety and have been feeling overall very unstable, so we havent talked in several weeks. a few days ago she started pinging me in a server we are both mods in, calling me names, and saying passive aggressive things. the change from me willing to entrust her with my life to wanting to delete my discord account so i wouldnt have to face her was incredibly jarring and anxiety-inducing.

but it was almost immediately after that i had an insane influx of friends here, so many positive people, so many positive things and experiences with new blogs and just meeting all these amazing sweet friends.

i wanted to just take a moment to thank everyone who as taken the time to talk to me, read my fics, and interact with me at all, even if u just like a post of mine or rb a fic ive written, it literally means the world. i see almost every like, every rb, and every follow, and all the support makes me so emotional. thank you all for being here, i could not be more grateful.

thank you.

-curse

[noodles-07]

Me: I can’t have trauma

Also me: *was forced to be mostly self-sufficient at 13* *has traumatic events happen multiple times a week* *is severely mentally ill* *sometimes wishes I was dead* *has been living in this trauma for over a year and a half* 

Me: I’m just overreacting

Dont rb

#vent #tw vent #dont rb #tw trauma

[khazadspoon]

You didnt rb anything related to this but ive been think about it for weeks so im just gonna prompt you: 3zun matching tattoos!!!! Feel free to do it (or not) whenever you want, be kind to yourself and keep on shinning king ✨

aaawww thank you <3 I’ve been doing better today which is good. And always feel free to just drop a prompt in! I love getting them! This...... isn’t exactly what I wanted it to be and I suck at tattoo designs but I hope it is acceptable!

------------------------------------------------------------------

Lan Xichen had suggested it on one of the rare occasions he had a drink. It had been on his mind for months, something that had tickled the back of his mind and refused to leave even after he had rigorously gone over it with logic and reason. And the something that had tickled the back of his mind was the splash of colour on Mingjue’s left shoulder blade. 

It was a tattoo. A songbird, wings outstretched, a folded fan held in its beak. 

“For my brother,” Mingjue had said with a slow, soft smile. “I got it when he left for university; he designed it and told me it would look good. He was right, of course.”

The tattoo had seared itself into his mind after the first glimpse Lan Xichen had gotten. Then the three of them had fallen into a relationship, with all the highs and lows that provided, and Xichen had seen the tattoo more often than not. He watched Meng Yao’s delicate fingers trace the outline when Mingjue was asleep, saw the no familiar look of thoughts racing on his face, and let his own race alongside. 

It didn’t take much convincing in the end. Nie Mingjue had gotten in touch with the artist who had done his tattoo before, Meng Yao had checked the cost against their budget for the month, and a deposit was paid. The hardest part had been deciding what the design would be. 

They settled on a mix of motifs, a part each that they felt connected to and wanted to share. Nie Mingjue chose a Fu dog from those that guarded the palaces in the past. He wanted to protect the things he loved, and that included Xichen and Meng Yao. Lan Xichen chose stylised clouds like the ones his father had worn, loved by his mother for their freedom and changing nature. Meng Yao struggled at first. He spent hours going over images, numbers, colours, just to discern their meanings. 

“It has to be perfect,” he said, ruling out a tortoise. “I can’t just throw an idea into this and have it marked on me for eternity! It has to be perfect. For all of us.”

Then he had told them the story of his mother taking him to an aquarium as a child before she had gotten ill. Meng Yao described the tanks, the shimmering colours of the different fish as they swam in a shoal or alone. He remarked on how his mother had helped him feed the carp, promising they would one day have a pond of their own. They never had, but he treasured the memory. 

“A carp then; for your mother,” Xichen suggested. He saw the look on Meng Yao’s face and drew the design, saw the look turn from intrigue to joy. The fu dog with one paw raised and lifting a bright carp, clouds lined with splashes of colour drifting at the fu dog’s feet, ribbons of red tying the creatures and clouds together.

The process was painful, though not as terrible as he had anticipated. Nie Mingjue held his hand and encouraged him as the ink flowed and the design emerged on the skin of his chest. He watched in awe as it appeared on Meng Yao’s upper thigh, following on Mingjue’s right shoulder blade. 

Several sessions later the colour and shading was done. Xichen knew he wasn’t the only one who was desperate to see the finished product after it had healed. They waited, eyes and hands lingering each time the tattoos were revealed. 

When it was healed, Lan Xichen pressed his hand over his heart and felt the rush of affection for the two men he loved. They were a part of his family, his life, and his body.

#the untamed #mdzs #3zun #lan xichen #meng yao #nie mingjue

[alittleemo]

thanks for tagging me gab @12monthoctober and eden @pianoandcookiedoughlover and faith @shades-of-greens <3 (i did not realize how many times i did not respond to this dfjhgjlkds you are all darlings <3)

1. why did u choose ur url?

i was tired at lunch one day and figured, ok im short, im also vaguely emo but not committed enough to go full out, so bam im both a little emo (as in noncommittal) and a little emo (as in short) <3

2. any sideblogs?

technically i have one now but i mostly have it to save the url, if i ever actually decide to start streaming ill prob make a blog specifically for that!! (though i think I’d use my alittleemo handle for it anyway so who knows then)

3. how long have u been on tumblr?

a little over a year now!! i think i made this blog in february of 2019 but started using it march/april of last year

4. do u have a queue tag?

i still do not know how to use the queue function dfjkhgkldjsjdflkh

5. why did u start your blog in the first place?

nearly all of my Pinterest feed was tumblr memes anyway so i figured why not go to the source of it all /hj. also i wanted to find more people into aftg and skam

6. why did u choose ur icon/pfp?

matching pfp with gab’s dsmp side blog!!! ae asked me if i wanted to match and i couldn’t pass up the opportunity :D (plus clingy duo / tommyinnit supremacy) i think it’s pretty fitting honestly <3

7. why did u choose ur header?

i love taking shitty pictures of jellyfish and i thought this one ended up looking really cool 

8. how many mutuals do u have?

13!! i have immense fondness for each of you <3

9. how many followers do u have?

39 babey!!!

10. how many people do u follow?

97 currently !!

11. have u ever made a shitpost?

what is anything i post if not complaining or making dumbass posts (affectionate)

12. how often do u use tumblr each day?

yikes. I mean like i am def here several times per day (its gonna be more now too now that its summer) but i feel like i sort of j scroll through my dash and only rb a few things compared to how much i actually see yk

13. did u ever fight/argue w another blog? who won?

no i hate confrontation but i also would rather j block someone trying to start smth w me

14. how do u feel about "u need to reblog these" posts?

going to steal celia and gab’s response bc yall are more coherent than me - sometimes it's too mentally draining to read abt terrible shit all the time. calm down. not everyone needs to read everything. i don't need ur guilt-trip rn. u can get across that a post is imp. w/o that statement. idk. sometimes i ignore them out of spite. i know that i rb a decent number of activism posts but i dont like those ones as much bc the guilt tripping isn’t the way to go

15. do u like tag games?

yes if u ever tag me j know i would instantly deliver cookies to ur house if i could <3 i do however often forget to respond to them until later (hi this tag is from over a week ago dfjkhgljdksh)

16. do u like ask games?

yes i love them immensely i j often again forget to actually finish them whoops

17. which of ur mutuals do u think is tumblr famous?

ik that i have a lot of relatively famous mutuals-in-law, but as for my own mutuals i’d say @lunawedlers and @lesbeanadiamcnll, i feel like yall have such good vibes in that respect <3

18. do u have a crush on a mutual?

like gab said, yes but platonically <3

tagging @coffee-and-moo, @alinastarkovaz, @lesbeanadiamcnll, @lunawedlers and any other mutuals who’d like to do so!!! (as always feel free to ignore as well <3)

#asks #tags #lee’s bullshit #i love to talk abt myself dkjhfgljkdsk this was so fun <3 #thank you for the tag gab i hope you’re doing well!!!!! #also thank u for the tag as well eden!!!! #i didnt realize at first u had both tagged me in it but thank u both ily <3

[pumpkinpaix]

Hello! and PSA

*waves* hi everyone! so uh, I’ve kind of had a bit of a surge in followers recently, and I thought I would make a bit of a PSA/intro post with a bit more targeted info than my about page.

anyways, I’m cyan! statistically speaking, you are probably here for one of the following reasons:

my fic

my meta

my gifs

my translation

all of the above

this is pretty much an mdzs blog on main these days, but I also rb a lot of other misc things because I have never been good at keeping my interests separate. it’s also my personal blog, so expect some of that? i am very all or nothing ahaha. my opinions change very quickly as I process new information, so like, something I said last week or yesterday might be different now! I’ve seen several people going through some of my older posts, and I’m just like oh dear, I said a lot of things six months ago that I no longer vibe with. /o\ please keep that in mind as you go diving in my blog!

i don’t have a BYF or DNI policy, but I reserve the right to block anyone for any reason because this is a personal blog first and foremost, and I do need to be better about setting my boundaries and curating my own online space! on that same token, you are free to follow, unfollow, block, whatever, even if we’re mutuals. <3

you’re free to come talk to me in my inbox or dms, but please be aware that there’s a very high chance I will never get back to you /o\ it isn’t personal!! I am just very mentally ill and have many difficulties with keeping up social interactions or talking to people.

in the interest of trying to be more open about myself, my brain, and what that means for me in an online/fandom space, I’m gonna do a boatload of mental health talk under the cut (or, if you’re looking at this on my blog proper or somewhere where the cut doesn’t display, it starts right after this paragraph), including mentions of self-harm/thoughts of specific self-harm etc, just so you are warned! I’ve been thinking recently that it’s good to try and take steps towards being more open about my issues, both for my own sake and others’. It’s long, because one of the fun things about my mental illness is that I am hyperverbal ahahaha (if that... wasn’t already obvious orz)

so if you’ve read pfmmpd, you can kind of get a sense of what I’m working with. a lot of how i wrote lwj was drawn directly from shit happening in my own brain, but like? dial that up from the specific issues that lwj had in that fic and apply it unilaterally across the board to almost anything you can think of.

I hesitate to describe my OCD as debilitating, but only because my specific cocktail of compulsions and anxieties and triggers push me to be hyperachieving and hyperfunctional. I consider myself pretty fortunate (?) in that regard. on paper, you could never tell how absolutely batshit my internal landscape is! which is very good for me practically in that I can hold down a job, keep scholarships, graduate with honors, have good prospects for my future, hold onto relationships (usually yikes) etc. but the fact of the matter is, I’m like. oh boy.

to give you a peek, here’s a non-exhaustive list of things that have triggered me to varying degrees of severity within the last like, week or so:

my dog

a chinese folk song

my mother reading a chinese haiku to me written by a young gay man

a chinese reader of my fic lovingly and gently giving me a history lesson on china and on mdzs while praising me

stepping on a piece of snow that didn’t collapse in the precise way i expected it to

writing meta

reading meta

ruminating on my triggers (honestly, I played myself)

seeing a twitter thread going around tumblr with decent information but the OP is someone who was exceedingly cruel to a good friend of mine

visiting my grandmother’s grave

deciding to visit my grandmother’s grave

discussing the concept of cuddling my partner whom i love and have been with for four years

self-harming (truly the height of irony, being triggered into self-harm and then getting triggered by the result of the self-harm hahahahahaha)

dropping off a package

trying to explain queer-coding to my parents

talking about stressors in my life related to covid19

having a very pleasant conversation with a person i admire

editing my translation

the fact that the “close” button on my accessibility sidebar on the translation website is the wrong color

choosing between eating all the shiitake mushrooms in my soup and purposefully giving myself a bad reaction or throwing one out and wasting food

thinking about playing a fun game with my partner and a mutual friend

my mom asking me to take a photo of some tea for her

my mom asking my opinion on a photo she was photoshopping

animal crossing

writing this fucking post HAHAHAHA

like!! it goes on!! endlessly! obviously, these triggers are not simply “bad” things. the chinese folk song and the haiku were both really beautiful and i love them! but I did spend a good amount of time curled up on my floor in the dark sobbing as i played the song on repeat. the haiku was one of the last straws that ended up with me screaming and crying and hurting myself. the snow??? like wtf the snow thing. I stepped on the snow and it felt wrong and my brain just started screaming SMASH YOUR KNEECAP. ???? (I didn’t, for the record, and I would never.) I love my partner very much! I love my friends very much, and my mother, and my grandmother etc. my triggers are infinite, unpredictable, and bizarre.

I’m saying all of this because I want to be clear that MDZS/CQL fandom specifically triggers me on a daily basis, sometimes very very badly. this is just a fact! it is no one’s fault! I have decided it is worth it for me to stay anyways. it is impossible for me to request people tag for certain things because I myself have no idea what my triggers are until I encounter them. It’s like a fun mystery boss encounter! sometimes it’s low level and i’m well-equipped to handle it. other times it’s a one-hit KO. We just don’t know! there are lots of very cool content creators in this fandom that I can’t follow because it would make my dash that much more high stakes. the original source canon material triggers me! all the events leading up to Lotus Cove massacre? I was shaking at work for three hours after consuming it for the first time.

Meta specifically is something I know a lot of people like me for, but it’s 100% the most triggering activity I participate in for this fandom. like, that suibian meta post I wrote that’s currently going around? Probably took me four or five hours of concentrated effort to write because I was compulsively panicking and rewriting and editing and panicking more and qualifying and editing and qualifying some more and then debating whether I should post it or not and then fighting with myself about my wording and then immediately regretting it and then every time someone commented on it (regardless of positive or negative!) my anxiety spiked. I started a reply to a response on that post and had to stop after a few minutes because I was already starting to trigger myself over it.

this is actually a pretty good outcome when it comes to meta! I recognized that I was hurting myself before I got any further, and I only spent like, five hours on it! it was good exposure therapy for me! the bad outcome is. well. bad, as you might imagine lmao.

I like writing meta. I like talking to people about it too! I like participating in fandom, I like writing, I like translating, I like all of these things. they’re just also really hard for me! there’s a couple meta requests sitting in my inbox right now that I want to get to, but it might take me like. a long time because of. you know! *gestures* Everything takes me a long time. that first chapter of the translation took me literally five months from beginning the project to posting a final edited version. It’s just over 1k words. D8

I try really hard to be chill and kind in public and I largely think I succeed on the kind part (I hope!). If you thought I had even an ounce of chill before this, perhaps I have disabused of that notion entirely now lmao. I’m not saying this for pity, but like? just so we all know what we’re dealing with here. I don’t want anyone to get hurt when I don’t engage with them or feel snubbed if I never reply to them. and also like, hey, if someone relates it’s like hooray, high fave, solidarity! we’re not alone in this world! or maybe this will help someone understand OCD a little better! I don’t know. I hope this post is a positive thing. BUT! I’ve spent three hours on it already, and i’m definitely starting to compulsively spiral, so instead of going back and editing it over and over, I’m just going to post it. thank you everyone for your understanding! I hope you enjoy your time on my blog! (*´▽`*)

#/ #// #/// #//// #///// #personal #psa #cyan gets too deep in the weeds #HA HA HA. #can't believe i'm using that tag on a personal post except like. of course i am #hello everyone are you ready for some cyan dlc? #well you're getting it #im anxious about this thing because i'm anxious about everything but! #we are doing exposure therapy this year!! #even if the world is burning down around us i can still try to confront my problems!!! #about

[800-dick-pics]

i cant tell how or what im feeling besides

“i am not ok, this isnt good, wow why is my life like this?” my mental health has been more rocky since mid feb, and i just cant get the care i need and it literally makes me bang my head into the wall, nobody with severe untreated mental illnesses gets a long in life to well, i feel like no matter how much i scream or beg for what i need nobody cares and just says “sorry I cant do that”  I dont have family or many friends to rely on and like my whole life ive been out here trying to do everything i can to be ok but ive literally never have been fucking ok, my early memories are fuckin horrific. im just so fucking tired of doing everything myself, even my own mental healthcare i dunno how i still can only get one therapy apt every 4.5 weeks when im telling you directly “I am at high risk for having suicide attempts and self harming behaviors, I know i need weekly individualized therapy to be stable and functional” like um hello!!??? are you understanding what is coming out of my mouth!??!?! I feel like i get fucking nowhere!!!! i just want the help i need and the help i ask for!! like im so painfully aware of the lack of help care or support i have with my mental illness, like time and time again the severity of my mental illness is downplayed or ignored by my family and friends and it hurts so so so much when i tell people “my mental and physical illnesses are disabling and limiting and I shouldnt be working because it puts me at risk of lots of things” everyone heres “im lazy and i dont care to try hard enough to take care of myself” when literally taking care of myself is what ive done my whole fucking life  dont rb ty

#dont rebloop #me #personal #vent #im like #tired of doing everything myself #tired of nobody giving a damn about me #tired of the lack of care and support for my disabilities #tired of being the only one in my life #like other than work i do nothing but stay home bc its not like anyone contacts me to hang out or be friends anymore so like #life is sad #my gf is the only one who like wants to go out and do things with me and sadly theyre far away #so im on my own and isolated #like not even my therapist who i pay to care actually cares

[newsfact]

Monday Night Football FanDuel Picks: NFL DFS lineup advice for Week 6 Bills-Titans single-game tournaments

It was almost a year ago to the day when the Titans handed the Bills their first loss of the season in a 42-16 blowout in a rare edition of “Tuesday Night Football.” The odds of that happening in Week 6 on Monday Night Football are slim, as Buffalo is expected to win with relative ease, opening as five-point road favorites at several online sportsbooks. Even with that said, we have a good mix of Bills and Titans in our FanDuel single game lineup because we all know viable DFS picks can come from anywhere in one-off DFS contests.

Here’s a reminder of FanDuel’s scoring system for single-game contests: The point total for the “MVP” is multiplied by 1.5, but he doesn’t cost any additional money like the “Captain” in DraftKings Showdown contests. FanDuel’s default scoring is half-point PPR and four-point passing TDs, and there are no bonuses for 300-yard/100-yard games like on DraftKings. 

MORE FD SINGLE GAME: How to win a FanDuel single-game contest

FanDuel Single Game DFS Picks: Bills vs. Titans

$60,000 budget, need at least one player from each team 

MVP (1.5x points): QB Josh Allen, Bills ($17,000)

Allen sputtered out of the gate with a pair of sub-20-point performances, but he flirted with the 40-point plateau in two of his past three contests. Another big point total is in order against a less-than-stellar Titans pass defense, making Allen an easy call as our MVP.

FLEX: RB Derrick Henry, Titans ($15,000)

If there’s such a thing as a player being “matchup proof,” Henry certainly qualifies. Buffalo’s defense has played as well or better than any team in the league thus far, and they’ll be keyed in on the reigning two-time rushing champ. That’s enough reason to fade Henry, though. He was limited to 63 total yards in the Titans’ 2020 victory over the Bills, but he still found paydirt twice.

MORE MNF: DraftKings lineup | Brown injury update

FLEX: WR Stefon Diggs, Bills ($12,500)

It’s been No. 2 wide receiver Emmanuel Sanders who has hogged touchdowns, scoring four times compared once for Diggs. Diggs, however, does still lead the team with 47 targets while averaging 13.4 yards per reception. It’s all going to click for Diggs sooner rather than later, and we’re going to be all over him as long as his price tag is relatively low.

FLEX: TE Dawson Knox, Bills ($9,000)

Knox has increased his scoring output in each week this season, culminating in 19.2 FanDuel points in the Bills’ Week 5 win over the Chiefs. He’s scored five touchdowns over his past four games, and while we can’t expect that streak to last, we’re going to ride the hot hand in this spot. Knox is doing more than just scoring touchdowns, though. He’s fourth on the team in targets (24) and receptions (18), and he’s averaging a robust 14.5 yards per catch.

FLEX: TE Anthony Firkser, Titans ($6,000)

We’re going to roll the dice with Firkser here, mostly for salary purposes but also because we’re hunting for a cheap score. Not only do the Bills give up the second fewest points to wide receivers, but A.J. Brown (illness) and Julio Jones (hamstring) aren’t likely to handle full workloads as they inch their way back toward full health. Firkser has earned 13 targets in three games and reeled in three grabs in each contest. Modest numbers to say the least, but he leads Titans tight ends despite playing two fewer games than the rest. Finally, there is often a score or two by ancillary pieces in these standalone slates, and Firkser isn’t a bad bet to notch one.

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#IFTTT #WordPress

[throughthewwods]

100 Days of Productivity . Day 41

Yesterday was mostly a lot of reading, which needed to be done, but lacks the “YaY! I got an assignment finished” gratification. I did get full points for my ‘Health consequences of student loneliness’ section, which pleases me. So far I have a 100 in the class, which is GPA glitter. I joke with my bestie getting her masters in Anthropology  about how I’m envious of my friends who still get stoked by A’s whereas I just get pissy when I don’t get them

😅

📚 listened to a lecture on components of stress

📚 read an article about the immune system link between how much emotional support someone believes they have and the rate they bounce back from a cold

📚 read another article on a similar topic, but this one included ‘hugs received’.

Joked with RB that all my hugs are protecting him from illness 

RB: But I’m not sick

Me: Exactly. You’re welcome

RB: Mind blown 😆

📚 Learned about successful stress coping vs. stress coping strategies in class

📚 had a helpful, impromptu meeting with my professor where she gave me a lot of really helpful advice I wish I had written down

📚 read an article about institutional trauma

———————-

🤷🏻‍♀️

Kiddo took her state math test. It’s hard watching her get so down on herself as other kids announce finishing, but at the same time, one of the pesky consequences to half-assing it is that you don’t learn the material, which particularly sucks when it comes time to use it. I point out to her two things:

1.) most of the time when kids whip through a test it’s because they weren’t really trying and just wanted it over, not that there’s this surplus of child prodigies in your class

2.) if someone does understand the material it’s more likely because they put in the time, effort, and practice in.  we should be happy for other people when they do well, not bitter or down on ourselves about it.  However, if you don’t like the way not understanding things feels then it’s a good incentive to study in the future because you’re absolutely capable of understanding this stuff.

It’s not one of those tests I’m allowed to explain, but I did periodically magic thin mints by her mouse pad.

RB was able to drop in during his lunch break, which was a neat surprise. Something about his visit evoked a springy bubbliness in me that lasted for the remainder of the night. I am low key listening to an article about betrayal and institutional trauma in my headphones as I get barbecued chicken and biscuits in the oven trying my damnest to have dinner not an hour later than I claimed it would be again. 😅Kiddo learns about multiplication in the background. Such is the ever shifting compartmentalization of my life. When RB returned that evening we all have a tasty dinner and start the next Narnia. Later we watched more vampire massacre. Recalling how super fun it was shaking off my PTSD several weeks ago, this time I am more alert to hints there is about to be a rape scene and successfully fastforward through my trigger unphased. Winning? I don’t know. At one point, because RB still learning about me, I explain to him that I’m OK with violence, just not rape scenes, which is a very strange thing to say out loud. 😬😅

I am watching one of my blind friends on the brink of making a life altering mistake. His recent choices make me sad inside. They are representative of how conditioned the blind community has been to only have shrunken goals, shrunken dreams, and even pass up on greater opportunities for a better life if instead presented short-term cheese. He dropped out of college and is about to move back to Timbuktu where he will be completely dependent on his unsupportive, controlling family for a $16 an hour call center job. To him this is an incredible opportunity to finally become self-sufficient. I sympathize. Surviving on SSI is less than full-time minimum wage, which for many blind people makes anything an improvement. I worry for him. He lacks the foresight of what not finishing college will mean for him. It’s hard enough for sighted people to get out of poverty without a degree. It’s practically impossible for the blind. It means dependence, renting a room for the rest of his life, and no insurance because that is all you can afford with $16 an hour. At the same time, he’s an adult and it’s not my life. Maybe he’s not cut out for the rigor of university and that humble existence is the best for him? It’s hard for me to think of my friend with such low esteem. I know he prays for the American Dream. I’d like to see him live that, not become just another disability cliché. He’s so excited about being employed at all.  how do you tell someone that they are racing into a mouse trap? All I can do is be supportive and give advice on how to not burn bridges with FAFSA in the event he later has an epiphany.

#journal #diary #writing #my writing #100 days of productivity #studystudystudy #disabled rights #disability #disabled #student #motherhood