throughthewwods

[throughthewwods]

I find myself meditating more often these days, choosing to ground rather than disassociate. It doesn't always soothe the ants parading through my nervous system or quiet the rumbling thoughts, my pattering heart, but --- it does help me feel more at peace about it. My counselor recommended the acronym R.A.I.N. (Reflect, Accept, Investigate, Nurture). I notice Buddhism keeps making serendipitous appearances, nudging me in that direction. I had a touching conversation with my daughter about her father. I didn't realize I've been referring to him as just her father for so long she had forgotten his name. We made plans to visit his favorite diner for his birthday where once upon a time he and I would draw together late into the night babbling about philosophy. On my part, I need to visit that cafe on my own first because I realized I've been unconsciously separating myself from that chapter of my past. It might go fine, but I should check if deja vu will flip my PTSD switch. That moment, that idea is a breakthrough for both of us. I've lost a lot of sleep wondering how to help my daughter find closure when the father is only mostly dead. I'm grateful that this counselor took us onto her already full caseload. Our conversations have helped me become more aware of opportunities to share my memories of him nd find rituals to honor the person he was. These patches become her quilt overtime to feel connected to him. I had my first day up grief support facilitation group training. We made symbolic crafts that honored our grief process and opened a sharing circle. I felt a little naked, aware my little strip of wood of all the grief I've experienced throughout my life had more trinkets tthan anyone else there. I also realized I'd never discussed my deeper feelings about my stepfather's suicide. As we each disclosed a little of our history, I realize all the volunteer work I've done, this next year will probably be the most intimate. If you build it they will come! The COVID vaccinated families group I started is finally picking up steam and we had our first small gathering. Time flew by. It was nice to connect with other parents on a similar page as the children dangled from the empty playground, so enthralled by a bit of normalcy that the chilly autumn rain was nothing. More talks about house hunting. No less complicated, but perhaps more of a plan is forming. Today was Day 1 of grad school. So far so good. Kiddo is doing reasonably well this year, which is a breath of fresh air for all. Online schooling is not terrible, she's more on top of her stuff, I've got her in a few social things over zoom, and she had her first improv class yesterday. Perhaps most importantly I feel like my relationship with my daughter it's back on track. She's happier, I'm more relaxed, and the whole atmosphere it is mostly more cheerful.

[throughthewwods]

Coming out of the tunnel feeling that Buddhist acceptance of suffering, impermanence, equanimity vibe.

Still mentally processing that bitter pill there’s no escape from the BS and.. that at best, all my efforts can only achieve a life where there is ‘less daily suffering’. ‘Absence of regular suffering’ might not be achievable no matter how hard I push myself to ‘overcome the odds’.

It’s hard not to submerge into despair. 

Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.

heh.

 it’s hard because although I’ve gotten through some extreme storms, I was able to live on the belief the misery was circumstantial meaning if I just hung in there I could change the circumstances. To an extent that still true, but it feels a bit like a Punic victory. It’s cost me so much.. So much sweat, blood, and tears for..not happiness, but ‘less pain’? it’s so pitiful that it’s almost funny.. There’s this ironic, jaded laugh nestled in my gut. As I write this, I notice I have a, “no fucks left to give” smirk.

Hmm.

Sitting with this cosmic joke, letting the humor of the human condition ripple through my being, is actually the first time I’ve felt ok in days.. There’s lightness to it.

So here’s where I’m at:

There’s no escaping some of this suffering. A lot of it I can’t ‘fix’.

All I can do is get used to it, understanding that hardship and joys are temporary,

and learn to re-define happiness as something else other than the absence of suffering.



#journal #my writing #writing #buddhism #meditation #depression #anxiety

[throughthewwods]

Today it’s hitting me that there is no getting off this ride probably.

I thought there was light at the end of the tunnel where I could climb every fucking mountain.. I just needed to get into a grad school that works with my life..

And it was a small miracle that I’ve been able to do that,

But then what?

Housing market is bleak. We probably can’t afford to live where I can get to things.

I can get to things if I stay alone in my apartment ink all its increasingly ghetto glory..

If I want to get out of the ghetto it’s becoming increasingly apparent we’d have to move to Timbuktu where I can’t get around on my own.. it be like a birdcage upgrade with company. At timse like this there’s also the bitter pill, The elephant in the room, that no,

Love is not all you need..

or at least, it’s not all I need. For someone who spent roughly 2 decades addicted to the pursuit of love, it’s a pretty ironic, dissatisfying Epiphany.



Kind of feels like no matter what I do I’m in hell.. it changes, but never stops.

#journal #my writing #depression #anxiety #disability

[throughthewwods]

 Sad this evening. Wishing I could explain to my younger self that I shouldn’t be fretting materialism or the evils of consumerism,

but live very aware that for a disabled person money is the difference between independence and utter dependence.

Everything to compensate for your disability will either cost money, your limited time, or your  autonomy.

Tonight I feel the walls closing in. I overlook the tranquility of my apartment complex in the moonlight. This is a blatant romanticization of the ghetto in which I live where two people were shot this week a few blocks away in a homeless encampment behind the shopping center. My mind forgets this though. My mind dreads moving into a house where I cannot walk to the grocery store if I need to or want to. Cannot grab a cup of coffee at my leisure. Cannot take my daughter on a quick bus ride to the dentist then share a slice of carrot cake in the corner of our favorite bakery. My mind is frantic imagining wasted days staring out the window, staring into the endless sea of scrolling within my phone, waiting for my husband to get home so that he can drive us to the park for a half hour of sunlight. Tonight there’s no pounding through my ceiling. No one’s swearing obscenities at their children thunderously. Tonight I forget that I cannot let my daughter play outside because of all the drugs passing through and the neighbor who apparently ran around with a machete. Tonight I am terrified that I will choose dependence on my wonderful partner because I cannot afford to live in the safer heart of town where it’s walkable…

I am crying tears that do not come because I am terrified despite all of the choices I have made to not arrive at this place, I am here anyway, unable to afford my own freedom.

#journal #my writing #writing #motherhood #parenting #depression #anxienty #disability #disabled

[throughthewwods]

Buddhism For Mothers

Finished reading Buddhism For Mothers.

In many ways Buddhism has stayed with me in disposition and philosophically, but the book reminded me of a different time in my life when I actively spiritually practiced. I thought about what a hard last year it was and how often my temper flared clinging to regain control. I’d say I should have read this back then, but I wouldn’t have received it.

As I read, it felt a call to my roots with a greater wisdom than I had in my teens to 20′s. I appreciated and sheepishly related to the author’s observation about much of the New Age subculture missing the mark when all that mediation, all that pursuit of consciousness and altered states is still about self gain, self interest.

I remember when I first became a mother and decided to  get my sh!t together in many regards. I did not have the self-discipline to be both a flowy, unconditionally compassionate Buddhist with no interest in material illusions and... decide to be of the world. The internal conflict would eat away at me. I did not know how to live in the moment and fervently follow through on my goals. I did not know how to not be ‘of the world’ and simultaneously plot a future in it. Even now, I know I put Buddhism away because I realized I had to be all in or what I wanted wasn’t going to happen. I needed to be attached, invested. I had, have desires, which is not very Buddhist...

But... I also had so much fear back then. I pushed away everyone and every ideology that weakened my inner resolve.  Now... I’m in a better place. Of course, my inner Buddhist reminds me that more things will happen, challenges, joys, and they will all flow through my cupped hands..

Still, this feels a good resting place along the path to rediscovering quieting the mind,

a time to sooth the anxiety discretely ever coursing through my body,

to sit with compassion for all beings and let my heart again soften as a way of life,

to be present: strength how to fully listen, act, and speak with mindfulness,

and reconnect with equanimity.

Other things...

Kiddo’s first week of school went mostly well.

I took her out for a huge french toast breakfast to honor the last day of summer and later for movie night we had a summertime junk food feast sprawled across 2 tables. Morning went smooth. I cooked her up our traditional ‘first day of school chocolate chip pancakes’. Admitted, her  ‘last year’ anxiety reignited pretty fast, but I’m wiser this go around to how this program works. We changed gears to art (relaxing), then her teacher’s sunny vibe cheered her up, and she’s been mostly good since. On my part, I’m taking a more involved role about the schoolwork since last year the ‘hands off approach’ was a disaster. It’s not ideal. In-person in a few months would be stellar, but we’ll make the best of the situation. With online-learning she can cozy up under a fluffy blanket while reading her book for class. One day she finished early so I took her out for lunch (her choice). While everyone is stuck in their school desks we were picking out art supplies, enjoying sushi and blue berry muffins while watching Fullhouse.

There was the first counselor session about Kiddo’s grief. I’m not sure how helpful it was, but I do feel relieved to know from a professional’s perspective I’ve been doing a good job. This week we’re going to talk more about my own grief process in hopes it’ll spark some light bulbs on actives I can do with Kiddo.

Today Kiddo and RB went out for breakfast to get some bonus-dad bonding time in.  Kiddo wasn’t full of descriptors, yet came back aglow, all bubbles and silliness.

Interview with the grief support non-profit went well. Feeling undecided if I still want to volunteer with the domestic violence support non-profit though. It be a notable training and experience, but their volunteer coordinator seems so accustomed to waves of volunteers thirsty for the position that she has little esteem for the individuals offering offering their time and emotional energy to keep their agency going for the greater community. I’m not sure I want to work somewhere that takes its volunteers for granted. We’ll see.  Maybe they’ll surprise me next week?

My first quarter of grad school classes are picked out.

After several bite-sized, scatters convos, RB and I are finally actively looking at houses for our lil, blended family!  It’s a complicated, huge change for everybody, but also excited and heart-melt-y to have our relationship arrive to this next phase. This morning we had our first daydream-y talk about what our home would be like.

#journal #my writing #writing #motherhood #parenting #studystudystudy #positivemindset #relationship #love #happylife #happiness #buddhism #meditation #spiritualpath

[throughthewwods]

It’s been a season of simple joys.

We took the long drive to meet RB’s son’s mother for the first time. She was friendly and welcoming. We chatted about the social awkwardness of Covid and chickens as our children gathered blackberries. On the drive home deer tiptoes across the road.

We swung by my favorite Italian restaurant. Thankfully even without a reservation they were able to seat us soon after. The drag warehouse is streamed with soft, white lights and Tarantella in the background. They make all their pasta from scratch in in-house. We’re celebrating my graduation, embarking on grad school, and Kiddo beginning he5 last year of elementary.. RB holds my hand gently under the table. Kiddo invites him on a walk in the near future for ice cream so they can get to know each other better.

I’ve had a few reasons to venture downtown, which we’ve made the most of. We didn’t realize most things are closed on Mondays now, so we explored new curiosities: One of the few DVD rental shops left in existence, we had mixed berry shortcake and Italian pomegranate soda.. Ordered fancy Wood stove pizzas and played with pizza dough while waiting.  we popped into a crystal shop to look at colorful, sparkly things and rummaged through the stuffed animals at a novelty shop where we found an oversize version of her plague plushy.

We’ve taken walks for milkshakes with GSD and played in the field.

We were able to visit our library for the first time in ages and left with a small pile of funny books; then headed to the art gallery for their sea creatures exhibit and found neat random things at the art supplies thrift store. Popped into the arcade for a spell to play pinball and AirHockey. We split an enormous, delicious potato burrito, which I’m sad to say will be our last because, much to the community surprise, another timeless restaurant closed its doors.  we found a curb under the maples away from the crowd to enjoy our ice creams as promised. On the bus ride home she rested her head on her lap when I suddenly recalled a photo I have of a much littler Kiddo sucking her thumb, fast asleep, sitting just as we are now.

Kiddo has been cooking more. She makes scrambled eggs pretty regularly. Her fruit salad concoction instead made for a tasty jam.

One morning she decided to cook blueberry pancakes for everyone. As watched her wrap up, I thought back to her spectacular smile of accomplishment the first time I let her try flipping a pancake on the griddle.. I remembered how distressed she was the first time I let her crack an egg. I remember her excitement to help me push the eggs around the skillet.. I’m proud of how capable she is at only 10 minus the trauma, which forces kids to grow up fast.



🍒 🎵 I’m feeling more like myself day by day, which is to say glad for the sum of my life and the future’s possibilities. 🍒 🎶

I’ve been having fun prancing in my rockability garb. 

I’ve been able to make some new, potential friends through the vaccinated family group I started.

Over smoothies she disclosed to me that she’s more attracted to girls, so I’ve been putting my feelers out for LGBTQA+ resources/community so she can meet some other kids who can relate.

Been reading on children grieving. Our situation is unusual. Relevant material is scarce, but there were a few helpful tidbits. Mostly I realized she’s only seen me ‘post-grief’,. She was a baby back when I was in the throws of grieving. Although there’s open, safe communication for her to share her feelings about her father and we’ve established RB is here as a bonus-dad, not a replacement, I haven’t actually modeled a grieving process that demonstrates how I got to this point of acceptance and moving forward. Now I recognize where her avoidant coping mechanisms derive from: Positivity/acceptance without processing looks like suppression and escapism. I have never encouraged her to push her feelings away with false positivity, but just by her observing how I handle ‘the now’ I’ve apparently accidentally taught her to do just that. This epiphany is helpful, but not enough. I’m grateful that after months of dead ends I’ve finally found a counselor who specializes in children and grief who can hopefully give me some input on how to navigate this better. Our first session is Tuesday.

I had an interview with a domestic violence support nonprofit that went well and another interview with a grief support nonprofit coming up but I feel pretty good about. Both would be excellent opportunities to get back into volunteering, feeling connected to my community, and acquiring counseling experience while I’m working on my degree for the next three years.

#journal #my writing #motherhood #parenting #relationship #love #positivemindset #healing #growth #happiness

[throughthewwods]

So many have started and trees sitting in the draft folder. ‘Things have been good’.

I finally have a morning routine I feel good about: up around 6, usually drink a glass of water, take my pup outside, get the coffee going and feed GSD, make my bed cuz it feels nice to curl into at the end of a long day, reply to some people in the peer to peer group, read/watch something interesting or usefulthen workout a bit if my body is up for it.

RB and I have been making happy memories both as a couple and a blended family going on various little-big adventures..

I’ve been testing out some new parenting strategies with kiddo that seem to be lessening dawdling and helping her learn new time management skills+ self-efficacy.

I’ve been using this summer to read books that’ve been on my bucket list for years.

I hula hoop and jog from time to time

I started a Facebook group for vaccinated families in my area that people seem to appreciate having as a resource, so that worked out

My grandmother started giving me my mother’s schedule each week so I can call more without dread of her being there

Had the realization I don’t have to dress casual-professional constantly anymore and I can have a personality again, SO I went back to magenta, started practicing quick rockability hairstyles, and treated myself to a small, new wardrobe.

This morning I woke up irked with myself for not being jubilant when there’s so much to be grateful for then I remembered we are still in the middle of a pandemic that has cramped my existence and clipped my wings,

so.. it’s for me to not be ok.

It’s OK for me to feel periodically stagnant, cabin feverish,  isolated, uninspired. These are natural responses to the circumstances.

#journal #my writing #writing #motherhood #parenting #positivemindset #relationship #love #covid #healing #growing #mental health #depression #anxiety #happylife #happiness

[throughthewwods]

Feeling down this morning. A year and half-ish in RB and I finally had an uncomfortable moment. I finally blurted out my concern about us falling into a rut. I don’t know if it’s because he’s exhausted or stressed after work or what, but he’s just not as lively/fiery over the last few months. The passivity is kind of a turn off, which is.. becoming a problem.. and sometimes I feel a little insecure about it. Thinking, “is it me? Am I doing something wrong? Am I not attention grabbing anymore? Is it the circumstances of my, our life?” Right before he heads off to work was not the time for me to bring up the subject. There was an awkward silence as he got dressed and I lay in bed with my eyes half open wishing he would say something medicinal. Eventually, tired of waiting, I rose from bed with a slightly sharper silence than his as I left the room to go make my coffee. The air is awkward, not light and warm like usual as he leaves for work. We are unsure what to do in this moment. I voice that I am upset, but realize my timing was poor and then I don’t know what I hoped he would say to make me feel better, that I love him, we hug and I kiss his cheek then gone.

[throughthewwods]

i’m still shaking off the sorrow from last week, but take solace in appreciation for small joys. Things are finally coming together in such a serendipitous way that humbles my atheism. For 8 years I’ve been chronically stressed out, running myself ragged, everting riding on me somehow getting to this point

And here it is.. 

🥳 I’ve been accepted into a counseling Masters program that’s compatible with my values, in my area under a credible university that works with my life and disability, the whole thing paid for, including transportation, childcare, and additional counseling certifications costs.

All of this coming together just before my caseworker who’s been with me this whole journey (the person I’d need backing me to the board and to sign off on all the above) retires.

Years ago, back when I had people literally telling me I should give my daughter up for adoption, that asshole math teacher who told me I should drop out of college, the disability Director who told me I should switch to an English major because it would be ‘more doable’ for a blind person, my family who told me having dreams was unrealistic, my twat exes who dumped their insecurities on me..

WELL I set out to do a thing and again all odds,

I fucking did it!

I’m glad, grateful, relieved and collapsed at the finish line.

There are more good things that have happened over the last couple weeks that I should surely make time to write about before the little joyful nuances evaporate, but today my brain is squishy, so I will wrap things up here for now.

#journal #my writing #writing #100 days of productivity #positivemindset #studystudystudy #gratitute #grad student #graduation #disabled #disability

[throughthewwods]

I want to write about the wonderful things that have happened recently; our mini backyard camp out adventure at RB’s, a day at the mall spent re-learning how to be decidedly curious and amused no matter where I am, phenomenal news about my scholarship, the kindness of friends helping me get GSD to the vet or the miracle he was mostly behaved.

Mostly I just feel a sadness in my belly, across my face though that I hope will pass soon. You’d think at 35 it wouldn’t hurt anymore that I am an afterthought to my family and rather low on their list of priorities, but it does. I always knew that they favored my half-brothers, but yesterday I was essentially told that my brother was more important than I am.. that him possibly experiencing some quirky side effect from the vaccine was a bigger concern than the likelihood of me dying from Covid.. never mind that my parents negligence is why I have my disease in the first place. No, in their mind my disease, my blindness, every incessant obstacle, and now Covid, are all ‘a personal problem for you to figure out’. ‘ yep, that’s unfortunate, but I’m gonna do my thing. Sucks to be you’.

As I write this I sway between a dusty outrage and grief.

Truly, one of the greatest gifts I have given myself with grad school is the gift of busyness,

of unavailability to visit them for any real length of timer

for the rest of my life.

someday I will be in a financially self-sufficient position where I will finally be free of every dysfunctional tie to my broken past.. Someday when they disrespect and devalue me is the day they will never hear from me again. They will have learned nothing from my absence. They will blame me and lose no sleep over it, but that’s OK. what matters is that I will finally be free of these unhealthy obligations, medicating my aloneness with scraps of family connection. Being on your own is very hard, but being ever reminded that you were abandoned, unloved is harder.

For the first time since I left 25 years ago there is light at the end of the tunnel and I know I made the right choice by getting out when I could.



And Someday I will be free of it all..



#journal #my writing #writing #generational trauma #trauma recovery #trauma #mental health #healing #disabled #anxiety #depression #anxious attachment

[throughthewwods]

 I’ve been working on that whole ‘support system thing’

Monday..

I got to see a friend I haven’t hung out with since he moved to Portland for school almost 2 years ago. It was really nice catching up yet at the same time, a little worrisome in that way you have to remind yourself to mind your own business. He’s moving really fast with someone who has a special needs child she’s in the process of adopting. She’s a past acquaintance of his who’s been a widow for a year or so. They’ve only been dating long-distance for a few months, he’s already proposed, and they’ve already got the toddler calling him Papa. Towards the end of our visit he gets a distressed call from his fiancé and the landscape tenses. As a single mom with some dating experience under my belt, there are red flags all over the place, but not my circus, not my monkeys. I nod, smile, try to be supportive.

It was need to have one of my friends finally meet my boyfriend of almost 2 years, just confirming he’s not an elaborate photoshop 😆 it was good humored and lighthearted. Upon hindsight, I realize it’s the first time I’ve had a chance to observe RB socialize with someone other than the brunch with his family, which is a different kind of peopling.

RB and I set out for a much needed date. It’s been months since we spent any time together without a kiddo present. 

The weather was perfect for drawing outside. We found a picnic table in the shade and passed a sketchbook back and forth until something began to take shape.  On the way home we grabbed pad Thai from my favorite place that puts in the extra effort of shredded veggies and peanut brittle.

Tuesday

I grabbed celebratory coffee with another friend who I’m glad to say he is recovering from his heart surgery mostly for the better. We haven’t been able to see each other since before Covid. So much has happened that it’s hard to find a starting point, but what hasn’t changed is we still laugh a lot.

With both these friends, we promise to do better at keeping in touch. SG would involve more phone calls. KS and I talked about doing a barbecue here soon.

RB came by later. It’s been a thing for a little while now where I make bids for conversation, but he doesn’t have much to say, which feels like me babbling for a while hoping he adds in his thoughts then I eventually trail off into what for me is an awkward silence. I’m a Sapiosexual. The lack of stimuli is a qualm I don’t know what to do with. RB is an amazing man, wonderful boyfriend and I know I’m very lucky to have met him, so I feel a frustrated with myself for this even being a trouble. I know he’s an intelligent person, so I don’t understand why we aren’t having more thought-provoking discussions. I start to ask myself if he isn’t interested or bored or I’ve unknowingly said something ditzy he’s politely sidestepping? I start to wonder if I should be bringing up other topics that he might find more inspiring? I don’t want to force him into talking... I want him to want to talk 😅 bringing this issue up gently did not go great. At first he felt sad thinking I was implying he was boring, which I quickly reassured him was not the issue, but even after that was smoothed over the vibe was a little awkward, a little unresolved. 

#journal #my writing #relationship #love #drawing

[throughthewwods]

Saturday I gave RB the heads up that I was stBll feeling wonky probably from the tramadol shot, but he was just glad to lounge in bed with me watching Breaking Bad.. [it’s a train wreck that evokes more face palms than entertains, but I’ve made a commitment 😅 He came baring gifts, so I wouldn’t have to concoct dinner. that was an early night.

Thankfully by Sunday morning I felt back to my usual peppy, skeptic self. everyone is still fast asleep. It’s  funny how these years have eroded me into a ‘morning person’, but I do my best to be a quiet mouse. Once upon a time someone said, “if you love them, let them sleep, “, which, as someone who these days struggles with chronic exhaustion, I fully appreciate now.

As I twirled about my living room hula hooping with my boyfriend in the other room, my body instinctually tenses then it relief washes over me that if he should wake there was not going to be a fight about modesty, about the audacity, the impropriety, the ‘blatant disrespect to my partner’.. of me working out with my door open for the cool air. 😑 You know, everyone says they want a vivid girl until they have one, discover that she’s more than a supporting character to their personal Hero’s Journey, then all the insecurities and control issues surface. 

I’m ever grateful RB has never seen me as some manic pixie dream-girl to be captured, ‘forgiven for my sins’, broken, tamed, and baptized as ‘theirs’.

♥️♠️

♣️♦️

There is nothing like being loved and embraced for who you really are as opposed to the confines of idealism.

I had time to take GSD for a long training walk. When I returned RB had washed my full sink of dishes that piled up in the 2 days I was achy for no other reason then we are both the kind of people who like to be helpful.. RB came into my life while I was still rowing myself out of a 3+ year storm. Love isn’t a magic wand, but dysfunctional relationships are poison. If I’d still been with any of my stellar exes this last year would’ve mangled me. I’ve hit a bit of a wall with my counseling. I don’t know how to satisfy my longing for a support system other than somehow establishing a support system..  but then it occurs to me that, whatever happens next, things are different now.  for the first time in well over a decade, I have a best friend. I would never put it on RB to ‘fix everything’, but there’s comfort in knowing an important change has happened, which opens the possibility of future obstacles being experienced differently.

Covid has definitely cramped our colorful spontaneity, so when Kiddo suggests we do something different by spending 4th of July along the river, everyone brightens. We all take a walk to the grocery store, pup in tow, for snacks. GSD was an overstimulated brat, but I’m still glad we brought him. RB’s patience is saintly.

At home I’m helping kiddo with her hair when I find she has been neurotically plucking a huge bald spot beneath her beanie. She’s scared I will be angry, but I reassure her I’m not mad, I’m worried for her, in my mind worried for how this year has affected her psychologically. She is on the brink of tears. I do my best to keep my concern tempered. I want her to be able to have a happy day and I know there is nothing I can do at this exact moment to remedy ‘this’, so we put it out of our minds for at least now.

Within a matter of minutes I’ve packed up our picnic and we’re on the road. Thankfully, RB does not love me for my fabulous blind girl co-piloting abilities. I recall driving toward the mountain, not away, a field, and some big rocks. Most of this isn’t particularly helpful to RB getting us there, yet he managed to find the entrance anyway. After a bit of exploring, we found a spot with some shade along the bank and sprawled out on the blanket with our small feast. I’m thrilled at least all the socializing training is paying off as GSD behaves (no disjointed shoulder, no howling) despite the many unfamiliar dogs prancing about off leash.. Kiddo plays along the beach as we relax. Eventually I work up the courage to let GSD walk in water for the first time, which where we all stay.. Kiddo and GSD splash ecstatically. The summer afternoon is filled with laughter as GSD tries to dig a hole in the river. Many pictures taken. 

The other ‘4th of July miracle’ is GSD was much more behaved the second go at RB;s house with his kitties than our first attempt at introductions 😅 This gives me hope.

#journal #my writing #writing #motherhood #parenting #positivemindset #relationship #love #happylife #growth #healing #rblovestory #4th of july

[throughthewwods]

Last night I woke up with the most awful burning pain in my stomach. I have no idea what that was all about. Today I feel not great, but at least my upper stomach doesn’t feel on fire and weirdly hungry.

On the first day our heat wave broke I took kiddo out for an enormous plate of nachos and mango smoothies.

Caught up with an old friend I haven’t talked to in a month or so. Relieved her partner’s cancer is in remission.

I don’t really know what to do with myself now that there’s no school work left to hack away at or that I’m avoiding.. The lack of urgency is nice, but I feel like I should still be constructive in some capacity this summer. I don’t know how to ‘do nothing’ anymore.

Haven’t heard from my professor or department chair yet. Guessing they’re on Vacay for the holiday weekend. I suppose I’ll shoot them a follow up email Monday. Really need to get all my documents in order so I can apply for the extended funding ASAP.

RB felt terrible. Thursday he absentmindedly left his medicine on the coffee table and GSD ate it like candy. Thankfully, the poison hotline said we didn’t need to bring him to the ER, but I was up all night distressed, making sure my puppy didn’t OD. Humor is my coping mechanism, so I couldn’t help, but make jokes that maybe it’s telling that my dog seemed in a much better mood after takings Zoloft.

We take the 30 minute walk to my doctor’s office along the trails. Kiddo is chatty about a dream she had reminiscent of Mary Poppins’ bottomless bag. The wildflowers are particularly colorful. They sway pink, cream, and purple in the cool breeze. Kiddo’s proud she has mostly overcome her fear of bees. We notice a few trees along the trail have toppled. It’s somehow humbling. We walk beneath them a little more speedily.

Spent several hours at the walk-in clinic for an irk yesterday. I didn’t want to wait another week for an antibiotic.. Kiddo is a good sport about that sort of thing. She brought a book. We played word games and chess. on my phone. About an hour in my migraine flared. I hung my body limp over my lap, dangling towards the floor. The gravity does something helpful. I tap in to my zen and breathe through the pain. Those years of meditation come in handy. heh Never have I been so overjoyed for a tramadol shot. 15 minutes later it’s like night and day.

On the walk back we somehow find ourselves on the topic of personal safety when it comes to other people.  I end up explaining to her the difference between keeping up at nine secret that respect someone’s privacy versus the significance of telling a trusted grown-up if there’s a possibility of harm, so we can help, these kind of conversations become increasingly important as she gets older.

We admire the endearing chalk art at her old elementary school. she is struck with the realization that she is officially a fifth grader and next year will be a middle Schooler.  I hope things are good enough by the fall. I want her to be able to graduate with her friends from the school that’s been dear to her. I want the end of Elementary to be a special occasion for her.. A memory that encompasses accomplishment, pride and community, which she can bring with her into junior high.

We bump into a woman who has a GSD service dog and after chatting for a while about training we decide to exchange numbers for puppy play dates. I like that she’s trained her dog in Japanese. Later it comes up that she’s part of a nonprofit in town that promotes father’s parental advocacy and a shelter where fathers can go with their children where is presently for several counties over there’s only services for mothers. As we part I find myself having a giddy, childish spring to my step. 😊

Oooo I think I might have made a friend!

#journal #my writing #writing #motherhood #parenting #positivemindset

[throughthewwods]

100 Days of Productivity 🏖 . Day 33, 34

📚 It’s done.. it’s finally done.. I was up until 1 or 2 then finished the last bit of the presentation today

Really wanted to have all that stress off of my body and mind

📚 still waiting on the grade, but this completes the course 🥳

📚 which means I have officially completed my bachelors degree!

🎊

Maybe it’s the sleep deprivation or the years of drudgery, but the reality hasn’t hit me yet that at long last

there’s nothing left for me to do 😅

For so long I’ve had this weight looming, pressing down on me.. so many sleepless nights, tears, the incessant nausea and migraines, the hammering of anxiety and depression..

I can finally breathe again.

And then there came a strange calm.

I think I’m in shock. 

I don’t even remember who I am ‘not stressed’ heh

#journal #my writing #writing #100 days of productivity #positivemindset #graduation #studystudystudy #anxiety #depression #healing #growing

[throughthewwods]

100 Days of Productivity 🏖 . Day 32

💙 Had a session with my counselor..

coincidentally he too brought up the concept of awe. He recommended this book to me that sounds like a Christian metaphysics blend. He also suggested Eckert. Both of these wrinkles my nose, but it be contradictory for me to say, “ i’ve already done everything I personally know how to do. I want more directive counseling” then reject the direction/possibilities because at a glance it’s outside my comfort zones/worldview.

💚 went for a jog with pup

🐾 GSD training

💙 read more of Mansfield Park

💙talked to an old friend

📚 figured out how to pull my participants’ descriptives

📚 worked on my presentation more..

I have to keep reminding myself that I only need a C on this to secure my A- in the class. This does not need to be the most amazing presentation I’ve ever composed.. it just needs to be done.

📚 got some questions answered

🧡 got a lot of positive feedback on my scholarship letter.

🧡 got that letter of rec from my department Chair for grad school and the scholarship

It’s one thing to get into grad school. Then there’s paying for it..

Looks like everything is pretty much ready to go. Only thing left for me to do is finish up my presentation, get my final grade changed and be officially done with my bachelors finally.l send in my petition, my letters of rec, my résumé, my caseworker supporting letter.. and.. hope for the best.

😅

Finally got to read one of the letters of red from my trauma professor. Her words were so touching I teared up. I felt so.. recognized and supported in a way I don’t think anyone has ever expressed to me. I printed it up for my office space.

Kiddo offers to cook lunch, so I could keep working on my presentation, which was thoughtful of her. I get the original Full House going and she serves up perfectly seasoned scrambled eggs with buttered toast.. I’m not even sure that I knew how to make toast well when I was 10 😆

My neighbor quite pleased with herself, announces to me that she and her husband knowing flew on vacation with Covid. 🤮

My mother called hysterical that one of her many cats passed away. It’s hard. I know if it were anyone else I would be more compassionate, but with her it’s my egg donor calling me to console her about the loss of one of the many things that was more important than my well-being my entire life.. Quite literally, her pets have always been a higher priority than her own daughter or granddaughter for that matter. I tried to be nice at first, disingenuine as it may be, but I lost my patience after a half hour or so of her theatrics and guilt tripping me for not also being emotional, shaming me for not joining in crisis . It was when she accused me of having animosity towards the animals that I was finally blunt then stopped myself.. Cold, but still restrained, I urged her to call one of her friends I talk to my grandmother in the very next room or a hotline to vent to, but that I was not the person for this conversation. And.. that’s the best I can do. Afterwards I felt lousy, drained by the resentment I wish I did feel toward her and all her continued choices. I’m so much happier when we don’t talk.

But.. life carries on 🤷🏻‍♀️

The good thing is I hopped off the phone before letting myself get completely depleted and I was still able to be productive after

#journal #my writing #writing #motherhood #parenting #100 days of productivity #studystudystudy #positivemindset #generational trauma #toxic parents #grad student #grad school #covid

[throughthewwods]

If you are American, PLEASE SUPPORT THE SSI RESTORATION ACT OF 2021

This new bill has been introduced in both the house and the Senate.

Among other things, it will:

Raise the monthly disability income by just over 30 percent - bringing it to poverty level.

Remove penalties for recieving financial help from friends and family.

Increase the amount of assets a disabled person may have from $2,000 to $10,000 (this hasn't been updated since 1989)

Update outside income restrictions to allow disabled people to receive up to $399 a month without reducing their benefits.

REWARD, not penalize, people who want to receive additional income while on social security income.

REMOVE THE MARRIAGE BAN YES YOU READ THAT RIGHT THIS WILL REMOVE THE MARRIAGE BAN

For those unaware current regulations do a lot to oppress disabled people. In fact marriage equality doesn't even extend to disbled people who risk having their benefits reduced or outright taken away if they marry someone. This means that in common law states disabled people can't even live with their significant other or they risk losing their financial independence.

Current regulations mean that if you're disbled you can't have so much as one penny over $2,000 to your name. So buying a car and gaining more independence or freedom is largely out of the question for disabled people.

Current regulations penalize social security recipients who receive income from outside sources, even if those sources are reimbursement. Did you get paid to babysit for a few hours? That's income, and you get your benefits reduced. Did you loan a friend $10 and they pay you back? The government considers that $10 income, and you get your benefits reduced.

These aren't mere anecdotes - these are all examples of actual things that have happened to disbled people I know, and if you have any disabled friends in your life I'm sure they can tell you the same stories.

If you value marriage equality, if you value financial independence, if you value the rights of disbled people, please PLEASE support this bill! Contact your reps, vote, and make noise! This is a great thing!

#journal #motherhood #parenting #politics #disability activism #disabled rights #grad student #student #relationship #adulting #30something

[throughthewwods]

I’ve been contemplating ‘awe’ recently.

There are all sorts of psychological benefits to awe: increased resilience to minor and major stressors, faster recovery from stressors, increased positive attitude in general, decreased aggression, increased communication skills, less existential dread.. 🤪

Somedays I miss ‘spiritual me’, but I am a different person now and I can’t force myself to regress. As a 98% atheist, awe comes from external stimuli mostly, stimuli that is not accessible to me at the moment. This got me to thinking about meditations.

If not deities, what power greater than myself do I still believe in of that magnitude? Even after the melodrama of mysticism is stripped away, what is my compass that moves me?

Connectedness & Causality ,

The red thread,

a web that connects, effects all beings, all things

Synchronicity

Just thinking about those fundamental truths brings me a sort of warm, inner peace throughout my body.

I’ve been telling myself for ages that I need to re-integrate a consistent meditation practice back into my life, so… i’ve decided that every day I will set time aside to meditate on the wonderment of connectedness and causality, which exceeds my human capacity to understand existence

And… see how that affects my mood.



100 Days of Productivity 🏖 . Day 30, 31

🐾 wonder of wonders, GSD has been doing much better on our walks

💜 Took Kiddo and GSD on a nice, be it swelling, walk for milkshakes

💚 Been jogging each morning before the heat blasts in

I’m not quite there, but I’m finally starting to experience the dopamine benefits of it.  i’m not in good enough shape to get to that ‘flow state’ like I can when I hula hoop yet though.

📚 worked on my presentation

Got the bare bones of it put together

📚 reviewed the literature

📚 put together the outline

💙 read some studies on the psychological benefits of awe and what elements of an experience have been tied to awe cross-culturally..

add a book to my wish list then realized I should probably finish a few of these before taking on another.

💙 I am nearly halfway through Maritime Park

My heroine is finally starting to develop a sense of self, but is still annoyingly demure and the female antagonist, Mary is increasingly manipulative (which differs than her depiction in the movies where she’s just incompatibly modern)

💙 meditated before bed

Last few days have been mostly uneventful as we hide inside from a historic heatwave. It’s moments like this where I am grateful for our blessings, but also for the changes I’ve made, both in attitude and action, which have put me in a better position to deal with situations preemptively. Things would suck so much right now if I hadn’t put myself in a financial position where I could buy a couple air conditioners or had the foresight to get them ahead of time before this summer got bad..

Kiddo lost my scissors, so she spent all Sunday cleaning her room in search of them. At first I was really frustrated since I needed them, but I checked myself and switched to a relatable consequence instead. 👍

When I took GSD for a jog along the trail, on the way back I turned my music off. Everything was serene and sun-kissed with splashes of canopy shadow. A light breeze broke the hot air and each cluster of shade had a pleasant coolness about it. Swarms of butterflies, white and gold, fluttered around us in a halo. It was beautiful.

Later I talked to RB about awe. He is my very favorite non-practitioner Buddhist, so naturally lives in the present moment and the wonder of small things to his day.  When I tell him about the butterflies he shares in my delight

and there is beauty in that too.. Beauty in the vulnerability of being able to safely share small things.

We talk a little more about moving in together in about a year. My grad school is an hour-ish away. I won’t need to worry about commute for the first year, but by next year I will have to find a way there and back once a week. I tell myself it’s a bridge to cross when I get there. RB offers to drive me, says it will be easy if we are living together.. that he‘ll just bring a book. His nonchalant thoughtfulness is touching.

#journal #my writing #writing #motherhood #parenting #100 days of productivity #studystudystudy #positivemindset #relationship #love #rblovestory #existentialism #meditation