#if you are an addict especially if youre not in recovery. i hope your days go well. i hope the world gets kinder to you.

[samkerrworshipper]

narcotics | arsenal x reader

summary: reader has a drug problem.. her arsenal teammates help her to realise and overcome it

warnings: mentions of drugs use and abuse

this was so tough to write for me and hit home sooo fucking hard buttt also very fulfilling so i hope you enjoy

You’d never intended for it to get this bad.

Injury, surgery, recovery, drugs.

So many drugs.

That was what happened when you had major surgery, when you were an athlete, they showered you with every single kind of drug that they could, to distract from the pain and to try and start the recovery process as soon as possible. It was good, especially post surgery when you felt absolutely no pain, it was great, and it allowed you to be a lot more mobile after the operation than you would have been if you hadn't been medicated.

It was good, being pain free was so incredibly good.

That was all you could focus on, your whole recovery revolved around being pain free, tearing your tricep was a pain in the ass, but as far as football was regarded, you were hopeful to return to the pitch as soon as possible.

You didn’t need your arm to kick a football or play on the pitch, so the whole entire focus of your recovery was to make the pain bearable so you could return to the field as soon as possible.

For this reason, the doctors just kept refilling your scripts, handing you bottles and bottles upon pills, it was their job to get you back on the field to help Arsenal redeem themselves from the fall from the champions league.

You were back on the pitch in three weeks, which was almost psychotic considering that your tricep scars were still bandaged and covered in gauze.

It was procedural for you, you fell into a routine of relying on the drugs to get you through a game, to take off the edge of the pain that originated in your arm.

It was fine, it was good.

For months, the doctors filled the bottles for you, they kept filling them, past the point of where you medically needed them anymore, it was just routine for you, just a part of your day.

You woke up, and you took pills with your morning protein shake and breakfast, then you car pooled to London Colney with Beth and Viv. Once you arrived at training you ate a protein bar, which you consumed another set of pills with. Then typically as a team there would be a morning gym session, after gym there was lunch, where you would consume another set of pills. Then there was training, afterwards before recovery you inhaled another set of pills.

It didn’t really worry you, you needed the pills, they were the reason you were able to play, they were the only thing that was keeping you on the pitch.

It felt that way to you at least, even if you were months past the injury, it just felt like you needed them, that without them you would be hopeless.

So, even as the weeks passed by you continued your routine, but as every day passed by it was clear that your teammates were becoming more aware of your reliance, the concern and questions becoming far more frequent.

You insisted that you were fine, that it was the doctor's orders, even if the doctor had told you months ago that you needed to eventually wean yourself off the pills.

He was the same doctor though who continued to fill your scripts and hand you pills like they were candies.

Eventually you would stop, you would, some time, it was just something to get you through the day, something to make it easier for you to deal with everything that was happening in your life.

The first time the word addiction was thrown at you was in the most abnormal situation.

You were sitting in the locker rooms, early on a wednesday morning the likes of Katie, Jen, Beth and Alessia surrounding you as you all casually joked around.

It was all common conversation, trivial basic stuff, until Katie pivoted towards you, her whole body turning in your direction as she sent a question your way.

“Y/n, is there any history of addiction in your family?”

It’s spoken so casually, and for whatever reason you’re the only person in the group taking a double take over what she’d just asked you.

Everybody else was just kind of waiting for your answer, all eyes on you as they watched on carefully.

“No, why?”

Katie just nods her head, her eyes not leaving you and the curiosity in them.

“Just curious, Less and I were talking earlier about it, one of her cousins struggled with it majorly after having surgery, just interesting to think about, it’s just a really tough topic.”

It was blatantly obvious that there was an underlying message underneath her words, at the time though you had been completely oblivious to it.

“Yeah, well I couldn’t give any info on that, both of my parents were in the army and were as clean as whistles, my two brothers were the same, and as far as my aunts and uncles go I’m fairly certain they’ve never touched any drugs beyond paracetamol and tylenol.”

Your words are measured, calculated, trying to decrypt the overarching question lying beneath the surface of Katie’s random spiel.

“It’s definitely interesting to think about, considering how many surgeries our team has encountered in the last little while.”

Katie is digging around, for something, but you aren’t quite sure what.

“I’m not the one to ask about it, Viv and Beth are the ones who have been doing all the research.”

Katie seems to get the message that you don’t want to talk, but you can’t ignore the way she continues to look at you with a mixture of concern and annoyance whilst you tugged on your uniform and trainers.

When you thought her eyes had slipped from you, you turned into your locker, taking a sip of water before pulling two pills from your bag and slipping them past your lips as discreetly as you could.

You thought you were discreet, but when you turned back around to head out of the rooms and into the gym, and realised that all of your teammates' eyes were on you, you realised that this whole ordeal had become quite the spectacle.

You ignored the on looking eyes, especially those of Katie and Beth’s, which were practically burning holes through your body.

You avoided their eye contact, knowing that if you met their eyes it would give them a space to confront you, something which you were looking to avoid for as long as possible.

You somehow managed to make it into the gym without any further troubles, but when you did make it inside the gym you were met with some similar looks from your teammates and captains who were already occupying the space.

You got straight into your program, your mind reeling about how exactly your teammates had come to the point of pretty much accusing you of addiction.

You weren’t addicted.

You just needed the pills to take the edge off, there was nothing wrong with knowing your body's limit. Sure, you’d been told it was safest to start weaning off them after about a month on them, but you needed them, you needed them to be the same you, the old you, the pre-injury you.

You weren’t an addict, addicts were frantic and uncontrolled and definitely couldn’t play football.

The gym plan for you was fairly simple, a lot of tricep exercises and some upper body work that you finished off fairly quickly, within the hour you were heading back to the locker rooms, to grab your jumper and some pills before heading off to the lunch room to see what the chefs had cooked up today.

Kim, Leah, Katie, Viv, Beth and Jen were all sitting inside the rooms, the six of them hushedly talking between themselves. You did your best to ignore them, beelining straight towards your locker, throwing on your hoodie first before reaching into the pocket in your bag where you’d left the container early.

You felt around, confused for a few seconds when you didn’t immediately feel it.

You shoved your hand deep into the pocket, again your fingers touched nothing but the mesh of the inside pocket in your bag. At this stage, your hands begin to shake, you pull your hand out of the empty pocket, maybe you put them somewhere else.

You begin to rifle through your bag, searching incessantly for the one pill bottle that you need so desperately.

It’s not in your bag, three searches confirm that.

Maybe it’s fallen into your locker somewhere?

You pull out your things from the cube, searching desperately for your sweet relief.

This can’t seriously be happening, how the fuck could you have possibly lost them?

“Kid, what are you looking for?”

You ignore Beth’s question, continuing to toss your locker, even though it’s blatantly obvious that they aren’t hiding anywhere, they’re gone.

“Kid, what’s wrong?”

You pivot on your heel to address Beth, but your eyes are glued to Leah’s hands, or more so what Leah has resting in her hands.

The little orange bottle, the sacred fucking bottle.

“This whatcha looking for?”

You try your very hardest not to slip up, not to give it away too much, not when it’s very likely that whatever this is, it’s a test.

“Why have you got my pills?”

You decide to pivot with a question, it seems like the best decision.

“Why are you still on pills?”

Leah’s words are cut throat, they hit you hard.

“Because of my surgery.”

It’s an ominous answer, maybe it’ll save you from the vice captain's anger, maybe it won’t.

“You had surgery four months ago.”

Leah’s words, whilst they are a statement, hold questioning behind them.

“I don’t see how anything between my doctor and myself matters to you, he’s given me a script for medication, one that I use.”

It’s definitely the wrong thing to say, Leah looks offended, Kim looks like she’s about to kill you, Beth and Viv just look sad, Katie and Jen look like they don’t really know what to say.

“It’s not our fucking business? You should have been off pills three months ago, it’s my blood business to know when my teammates are continuing to take drugs way past the point of it being logical.”

Kim’s voice is angry, but not the kind of anger where it’s directed at you, it’s more the kind of angry where she clearly wants answers that you aren’t giving her.

“I don’t know what you want me to tell you, my doctors fill my scripts, beyond that it’s none of your business what I take and don’t take to get through sessions.”

Kim’s face scrunches up, Leah’s looks similar, it’s funny to you sometimes how similarly they captain.

“You haven’t had any complications, you should have been completely pain free months ago, why do you still need pills? Why do you need them so frequently? Don’t think that we all haven’t realised how often you are taking them, you’re going through them like a bag of candies, it’s not healthy.”

Kim’s right, it leaves you a little bit gobsmacked and takes you a little bit to recover from what she’s saying to you.

“I’m playing well, am I not? Beyond how I am playing on the pitch it’s none of your fucking business.”

When you think about it, swearing at Kim was possibly the stupidest thing you could have done, but you suppose there isn’t any coming back from it now.

“It’s not my fucking business? Beyond being your captain I give a shit about your health and mental wellbeing, so when I see one of my best mates and teammates looking like they are fucking addicted then I am allowed to ask questions, questions that you are going to answer or else we will be having a very different conversation, one that includes Jonas and the medical staff and I promise you that it will end with a very different result.”

Kim’s words hit you right in the chest, you force yourself to take a seat, looking at the six women and taking in the guilty look across both Viv, Katie, Beth and Jen’s faces.

“You guys fucking ratted on me, for nothing? I’m not fucking addicted, people who are addicted are frantic and stupid and fucking unhinged. Do you think if I had a pill addiction that I’d be able to play, do you think I’d be able to do half the things we do if I had an addiction, I just need them to get me through the day, to get me through the work outs.”

Your justification is weak, you know that, but you still believe in what you are saying, you don’t have a problem.

Kim’s face deflates, it looks like whatever she is about to say is going to be a lot more emotional and heavy then you are prepared for.

“Kid, you have a problem. How you manage to do it all baffles me, truly, you should not need pills to be getting you through the day, not when you are in recovery, not when your tricep is almost fully healed, Beth and Katie told me about it because they are genuinely worried, I am too. We’re all here for you, whatever you need.”

You shake your head, you don’t need help, you don’t need support, what you need is your fucking pills back.

“Can I have my fucking pills back?”

Leah shoves the bottle into her pocket, you know that you aren’t getting them back but it was worth a try.

“Are you fucking serious?”

It’s apparently Katie’s turn to be the bad cop.

“They fucking belong to me.”

Katie looks absolutely fuming, if it wasn’t for the whole situation you were in you would probably laugh about it.

“Not anymore they don’t, you’ve lost that fucking priviledge. This is how it’s going to go from now on. You’re going to move in with Beth and Viv for now, Lia’s searching your apartment as we speak, you’re done with pills, no more, you’re cut off. You’re going to get a fucking handle on your life and all of this shit or else you’ll be benched and sent to rehab or wherever Jonas thinks is the best place for you to sort out your fucking addiction, because that’s what this is. You can’t survive four hours without slipping some pills, that is seriously fucking concerning and all of us are so fucking worried about you. If you want to continue playing then there are going to be a whole set of rules and conditions because this can’t keep going, it’s unsafe.”

All the other women nod along with Katie’s words, you realised that you are definitely fucked.

“I’m a fucking adult, you guys have no right to be doing this to me, I don’t have a fucking problem.”

Katie rolls her eyes, standing up from her seat to walk over to you.

“Kid I am so sorry none of us realised earlier, maybe if we had it wouldn’t have been so bad, but you have to understand how bad it is, you should not be reliant on drugs that are prescribed to a person after a serious surgery, your attached. Not all addicts are frantic, you definitely aren’t, but that doesn’t change the fact that you have a problem and if you don’t stop it now, you never will. We all want to help you, however you need.”

You don’t really know what to do, everything Katie is saying hits you so hard, you can’t help but let tears fall, they’re wrong, you don’t have a problem, you need the pills, how are you supposed to be okay without them?

“Please, just give me the pills, I’ll do whatever you want, please, I need them, I’ll do anything please just give them back.”

Katie wraps you up in her arms, so tight that you worry about your ability to breathe, it makes everything stop for a few seconds, you forget about the pills, forget about how much internal pain you are struggling with.

“You know I can’t do that kid. How about we get you home? I don’t think you're in the mindset to train, Viv and Beth will leave with you, they’ll take you back to theirs whilst we finish up here for the day and then we’ll all have a chat about it later, okay?”

You pull yourself out of Katie’s arms, your face in a deep frown.

“You don’t understand, I fucking need them, I can’t live without them, what am I supposed to do without them? This is fucking crazy how am I supposed to play when you’re all forcing me to go cold turkey on the one thing that I rely on most.”

Katie’s hands move to your shoulders, planting themselves down firmly on you.

“No you don’t. It’s going to be a hard adjustment but it’s for the best. If we’re right and you are addicted, you’ll go through withdrawals, it’ll suck, but we’ll be here for you through it, we’re here to kick you in the ass but pick you up when you are hurting, we’re here for whatever you need.”

In a split second decision you lunge forward and directly at Leah, the blonde doesn’t expect it, and definitely doesn’t expect you to reach right for the pocket that you’d previously seen Leah push the pills in.

You don’t really know what your plans where for once you’d managed to obtain the bottle, but you knew one thing, you needed those pills and Leah was standing in the way of that.

Within seconds Jen and Kim’s arms were linked around yours, pulling your desperate form off of Leah.

“Please-Fuck please just give them to me, I’ll do whatever you need, please, I need them. I don’t need you guys, you guys don’t give a shit about me, I’m fine, I don’t want our help, just give me the drugs and leave me be, I’ll be fine, I’m always fine, I don’t need you guys. J-Just give me the pills and I’ll leave, I’ll never bother you guys again. ”

Kim managed to tug you completely away from Leah, whilst the older woman is significantly smaller than you, she was far stronger and you stood absolutely no chance against her.

You ragdolled in an attempt to make it harder for Kim, she replied to that by dragging your limp body up onto a seat, resting both of her hands on your soldiers just like Katie had, except for the fact that instead of Kim’s face being one of care and genuity, hers was stern and concerned.

“You don’t get to do this. You do not get to push us away because you want a fucking dose of drugs. We are family, family means so much more than some stupid object and the kid who worked her way here through the academy would have told me the exact same eight months ago. I know you have been through a lot, I know this injury has sucked, I know that you are going through a lot but you can’t push family away. We’re going to be here for you when you are at your biggest high and your lowest low, we are here through thick and thin. I can stand for you breaking down at ever minute of everyday if it means that we can help you, you can hurt us all as much as you want and we will continue to come back because whilst you might think that you are breaking us, you aren’t.”

Kim’s words just send tears running down your face and sobs coming out of your mouth.

Everything from the last hour is barreling directly at you, the realisation that maybe you aren’t as fine as you’ve been telling yourself, even if it feels wrong, you know what they are telling you makes sense, it hurts way more admitting that to yourself though.

Kim removes her arms from your shoulders, reaching for your torso and bringing you into another big hug, it’s suffocatingly painful and you swear that your skin prickles with the contact.

“I’m sorry, fuck, I’m sorry.”

You don’t know what you are sorry for, which probably makes the apology pointless, but it feels like it needs to be said, like you need to make some kind of attempt to recognise your wrongdoing.

“It’s okay kid, we’ve got you, it’s going to be okay, we’re all here for you, let’s get you back to Beth’s, hmm? I think you could do with a good nap and a proper feed. You’ve been working yourself to the bone, it’s time to let yourself rest. Take it from me, this whole routine you have for yourself, the over working, the pills, it’s only so long before you completely burn yourself out and trust a woman who’s been there, that is the last possible thing you could want, especially considering you are so young.”

Kim’s opinion and words are gospel to you, being another midfielder ever since you’d become a part of the arsenal senior team you hung onto every single word that she spoke, so having the Kim Little calling you family, it was something else completely.

“Please, just take me home.”

Kim nods, pulling back from you to reach into your locker to grab your bag before handing it over to Beth who gives you a little smile, it doesn’t quite reach her eyes though, that’s how you know that whatever is happening, it’s not good at all.

You try your hardest to wipe away the tears with the sleeve of your hoodie, but it’s a losing battle, the salty liquid continuing to flow freely down your cheeks.

Viv replaces Kim, her arm flinging itself over your shoulders and shielding you from the outside world.

Without much fuss the couple pulls you out of the locker rooms and as quickly as they can towards the car park and back to the same car you’d arrived in this morning, this time though it’s so much harder, it feels nearly impossible, especially knowing that instead of the normal routine that entails the couple dropping you back to your apartment, this time you are going back to theirs.

Normally, you’re very happy to participate in a dinner or game night with the duet, but you know what going back to Viv and Beth’s means, it means accountability, change, pain, things you aren’t really sure if you’re ready for.

Viv makes the decision to slide into the back seat with you, a constant comfort as you try to navigate exactly what has just happened.

The ride to Viv’s and Beth’s is a blur, Viv drags you out of the backseat and into the elevator, then into their apartment.

You're too lost to do much more than let Viv lead you to the couch dropping Myle into your lap, who is apparently more than happy to cuddle up under the blanket that Beth throws at you.

All you can think about is what your teammates had to say. About the nights where you’d doubled up on pills to mask the mental pain of all the pressure you were taking on of leading a midfield without Kim, about how you felt like you would cripple up and break if you went a day without your pills, about how for the last few months the highlights of your day has been the pills in the bottle instead of the people around you, about how you’ve been finding more happiness in drugs instead of the life you are living, about how your whole life revolves around pain meds which you didn’t even need anymore.

Addicted wasn’t a word you had ever used in a sentence with you and drugs before, but now, it’s all that you can think about.

Addiction.

It had never been a possibility for you, how could you be addicted? Nobody you knew had ever had problems with pills, you’d done countless injuries including pain meds and never had a problem. No injury you’d ever done had such a negative reception though, the fans were fuming, your teammates were stressed, you were pressured. You needed to recover, for the good of everybody, pain meds were the way to get through that so you’d taken them, to fix all of the problems.

That was the reasoning your brain was using, it wasn’t perfect, but it made enough sense.

Beth sat down next to you and you felt at peace enough to meet her eyes.

They were calmer than before, you felt similarly, calmer, less like you were at war with yourself.

“I was so stupid that I didn’t even realise, I thought I was doing fine, I was so fucking stupid.”

Beth takes a deep gulp of air before she says anything, it’s hard to watch somebody who you’ve come to care about so dearly look like they are struggling so heavily to communicate with you.

“You’re not stupid. It’s not your fault. A lot of people enabled this to keep happening and you couldn’t have known better, what matters most is we are here for you now, the sooner before the later.”

You nod along to Beth, bringing a asleep Myle up to your chest and clutching onto him, the puppy is so soft, a big contrast to how you feel at the moment.

“I didn’t want to let everyone down.”

Beth sighs an oh so familiar sigh, the same sigh you heard every single time someone out of the acl crew mentioned how they felt like they were a burden or a problem or like they were letting the team down.

“You could never let any of us down, not really, sure we’re all very worried about you, but shit happens, life fucking happens. Every single day we all struggle, every person on this world, life is a bitch and the worst part is that we have people holding us accountable for it every single day. Fans, social media, teammates, we don’t get a break, even when we need it the very most. As teammates, it's our job to love you no matter what anybody is saying, you are different to every single human on earth, you have different needs, you don’t have to try to be someone you aren’t, we love you best when you try not to. Do not think for a moment that you will ever disappoint us, sure we can be angry and annoyed and disappointed with your actions but never you directly. We all love you no matter what, just be whoever you need to, not who you think everyone needs you too.”

You don’t know what to say, so you chose to say silent for a few seconds, really observing what Beth has just said, the complete honesty behind her words.

“I want to do better for you guys Beth, I don’t want to be reliant on drugs that I don’t need, I just don’t know how to live without them.”

Beth nods, her eyes all glazed and watery.

“Then we’ll help you, we’ll do whatever is necessary to help you, just let us in, let us be there for you.”

#woso #woso community #leah williamson #arsenal wfc #leah williamson x reader #arsenalwfc #arsenal imagine #up the arsenal #arsenal x reader #arsenal women #arsenal #kim little #mum kim little #beth mead #vivianne miedema #jen beattie #katie mccabe #katie mccabe x reader #woso imagine #kim little x reader #beth mead and vivianne miedema #beth mead x reader #i’m in pain #this hurt

[chaos-bites]

💀 Subtle Hel Worship 🪦

Honor your ancestors or passed loved ones

Visit cemeteries; leave flowers at graves (with permission!!!)

Try veiling

Have a candle that reminds you of her (no altar needed)

Wear jewelry that reminds you of her

Keep a picture of her in your wallet

Have imagery of birch trees, cemeteries, skulls, snakes, wolves, or dogs (dogs are huge) around

Have a stuffed animal dog, wolf, or snake

Practice mindfulness; try meditation

Explore abandoned places (urb-ex; be safe!!!)

Take time to yourself every day to decompress

Drink relaxing teas or beverages; black tea or coffee is especially good or dark hot chocolate

Eat a comforting meal

Engage in activities you find calming; drawing, painting, crocheting, reading, etc.

Feel your feelings; cry if you need to, scream if you need to, etc.; find a healthy outlet for these emotions (drawing, boxing, dancing, etc.

Support homeless or animal shelters, healthcare or humanitarian organizations

Volunteer at homeless or animal shelters

Feed neighborhood dogs, cats, birds, etc.

If you have dogs, play with and take care of them; play with/take care of any pets c:

Cook a meal for someone you love

Donate supplies to animal or homeless shelters

Cook a warm meal for someone in need

Collect animal bones (please thank the animal's spirit after doing so)

Recycle, make/use compost (great with gardens)

Spend time with loved ones; spend time with any elderly or older folks that you love

Take care of your basic needs; eat three meals a day, get some movement into your day, take a shower when needed, etc.

Revisit things from your childhood; keep any stuffed animals from childhood or buy ones you've always wanted

Practice patience, especially with yourself

Take a walk at night, especially on the new moon (only if it's safe in your area!!!)

Have a nighttime/bedtime routine

Learn more about death; get more comfortable with the concept itself; focus on figuring out what your beliefs on the afterlife are (if any)

Collect old items or antiques; try to restore them or give them a fresh coat of paint/polish; keep them or give them to someone who will love them

Have compassion towards those who are often looked down on by the wider society, such as addicts or the homeless; donate to causes that aid them /their recovery

Eat an apple; go apple-picking; visit an apple orchard

Wear clothes that make you feel comfortable; when at home, get comfy!

Learn to get comfortable with change, especially necessary change; try spontaneous things, go outside your comfort zone, find effective ways to manage stress during changes

Take note of the seasons changing; maybe capture the moment of an Official Season Change™ in a painting or picture

Take time to reflect on yourself objectively; if you find yourself being unkind, take a step back

Observe the life cycles of animals; learn more about the natural world around you

Practice compassion and forgiveness towards yourself and others

Set healthy boundaries; learn what your personal boundaries are

Let go of what no longer serves you; release what you no longer need in your life

Go out in weather that reminds you of her if it's safe to do so (may sound weird, but I associate fog with her)

Be kind to children; play with them if offered

Start a new hobby - something that is calm and enjoyable; crocheting, carving, painting, etc.

Live your life unapologetically

-

I'll likely add more to this later as I feel it's incomplete. For the time being, this is my list of discreet ways to worship Hel. I hope this is helpful! Take care, everyone. 🩵

Link to Subtle Worship Master list

#norse paganism #norse pagan #norse deities #paganblr #norse heathen #pagan tips #deity worship #hel deity #hel worship #hel

[menofchaos]

Coco x Reader

Note: Hello, back with some Coco smut. That’s pretty much all it is, so warning now. This could be standalone or with this reader series. I hope everyone likes it! I also posted some drabble prompts if anyone is interested! Credit to the best for the gif @thesewickedhands

“Bitch, how are you still here? Your man has been giving you bedroom eyes all night!”

“I would’ve been in the back room. They must be into some freaky shit, drawing it out like that.”

It was approaching four months of Coco being sober. Everything was almost back to the way it was before he disappeared. Almost. After dealing with withdrawal symptoms, addiction triggers, Letty’s understandable anger and Coco’s long hours to fix the clubhouse, he finally earned his bottom rocker back. He sat at his kitchen table the night before, sewing the patch onto his leather with such a proud look, it made her emotional. To celebrate, Alvarez decided a party was in order to continue to try and make amends between charters. The clubhouse lot was overflowing with friends, family and some out of town charter members.

Coco was sitting at a folding table, playing cards with Angel, Gilly and Manny but he rarely looked away from her. She was standing with some ladies, who were teasing her about Coco’s intense gaze.

She had researched recovery in order to help Coco in any way she could. Relationships, especially in early recovery, were discouraged. Even though they had decided to be together and had barely spent a night apart, their sex life had been virtually nonexistent.

She knew tonight would be different. He caught her getting ready in the bathroom in a black lacy bra and thong set. He smirked and looked her over, leaning against the doorway to watch. He opted for just a tanktop under his kutte, his tattooed arms on display. His long hair was hanging over his shoulders in two braids. His eyes were clear and he was getting closer to his old physique every day.

“Dude, she’s not even paying attention to us.”

She laughed as she tore her eyes away from his long fingers, “Yes, I am. It’s been a while and he looks hot.”

Her phone buzzed in her back pocket and she pulled it out, acrylic nails tapping on the screen as she unlocked it.

El Coco 🥵😍 I can’t stop thinking about what you got under those shorts ma

Corazón I didn’t think you liked it, you didn’t even touch me 🥺

El Coco 🥵😍 I had to show up here tonight. If I touched you we wouldn’t have made it out the house

Corazón You still feel that way?

She excused herself from the girls and went up the clubhouse steps, glancing over her shoulder at him. She maneuvered her way through the busy space until she got to the bathroom. She closed the door and leaned against the wall, waiting.

Not five minutes later and the door opened, Coco squeezing through and closing the door behind him. He licked his lips, putting his hands on either side of her head.

“Hi,” she smiled sweetly, her eyes on his.

“You haven’t been drinking that much today,” he murmured, smirking when he noticed her hands behind her back.

“Neither have you,” she countered, her face tilted up to his.

He glanced at her lips, “I don’t wanna get too drunk. I wanna remember every sound I’m gonna force out of you.”

His blood boiled when he heard her breath hitch, “I wanna remember every thrust that forces a sound out of me.”

“Too bad you didn’t wear a skirt,” he pressed closer to her, trapping her between his body and the wall.

She flushed and smiled, “I was worried the bike vibrating would feel too good,” she admitted.

An evil smirk crossed his face, “You wet for me?” she nodded, holding his gaze, “I don’t have to stay much longer.”

She leaned in and pecked his lips, “I’m ready when you are,” she whispered against his mouth.

They separated when Gilly knocked on the door, grinning when they walked out together. She went back to the girls, dancing and doing a couple shots as he finished his game with the guys. She felt his eyes on her when he came inside, like an electrical current getting closer. Surrounded by people but he still felt like they were the only ones in the room. A private dance just for him.

“Just go home and fuck her already, bro.”

He glared at his drunken brother, who was smirking at Coco with an arm around his shoulders.

“You wasted?” he laughed.

Angel shook his head, grinning, “Nahhhh. Listen. We all know you wanna fuck her. You two are turning everyone on. Go home already.”

Coco pushed Angel back, shaking his head before heading over to her. He slipped behind her and touched her hips as she danced, smirking when she felt his chest against her back.

“Ready to go?” he murmured in her ear.

She turned in his arms and kissed him, wrapping her arms around his neck. After they said their goodbyes, they met up by his bike. Coco handed her a helmet.

“Don’t cum on the bike unless I say,” he teased.

She laughed and held him tight as they drove home. He held her ankle, stroking her skin as they stopped at a red light. She rubbed his thighs, smirking against his shoulder when she felt him shiver. He pulled into the driveway and helped her off, kissing her as soon as they took their helmets off.

“I’ll meet you inside, gonna put the bike away,” he whispered.

“Any requests?” she smirked, tugging gently at his green scarf.

He smirked, “Don’t start without me. I don’t wanna miss a second of that ass.”

She kissed him again and headed for the door, giggling when he swatted at her ass. She headed into the bedroom and lit a few candles she had bought. She turned on some music, then set a pack of cigarettes and Coco’s rolling tray on his nightstand. She was grabbing some water from the kitchen when he came inside. His eyes lit up when he heard the music.

“It's like that?” he smirked.

She winked and crooked her finger as she walked backwards down the hall. He followed her and grabbed her waist, throwing her over his shoulder. She squealed, laughing as he dropped her on the bed. The water bottles rolled out of her hands as he leaned over her and kissed her hard, pressing her against the mattress. She held his cheeks, wrapping her legs around his waist as they started grinding against each other.

“I fucking miss you,” he breathed, lacing their fingers together and pinning her arms above her head.

“I miss you,” she squeezed his hands, untangling their legs to kick her boots off, “I didn’t cum on the bike.”

She gasped when his hand squeezed her throat, “Good girl,” he kissed her roughly. The friction felt good but he grunted in annoyance, his hand slipping between them to tug at her shorts, “You wore these on purpose.”

He locked eyes with her as he used one hand to pull her shorts down, “Maybe,” her chest heaved when he hooked a finger into the thin fabric of her thong and tugged it down. She pulled them off with her free hand, “You’re wearing too much.”

Coco growled and stood up, spreading her legs and quickly stripping his own clothes off. Her bright eyes moved up and down his body and he nodded at her, “Take it all off. Now.”

She sat up and pulled her shirt off, Coco squeezing her chest as soon as he was done with his boots. Her back arched, pushing her tits into his warm hands as she unclipped her bra. He groaned and kissed her tattooed chest, sucking her skin.

She tossed her bra off the bed, gasping when his teeth grazed her nipple, dark eyes on hers while he flickered his tongue against it. She couldn’t look away from him as he kissed down her body. He smoothed his hands up the backs of her thighs, pinning them to her chest, “I’m fuckin’ starving.”

Coco ate her just like a starving man. His crooked nose glistened as he groaned against her wetness. She writhed under his tongue, gripping the sheets as he brought her closer and closer to the edge. He pulled back and slapped her clit, smirking when she flinched and moaned his name. Her legs hooked over his shoulders, one hand on her stomach as he added his fingers. Her hips rocked with his fingers’ thrusts, his name falling from her lips over and over. She came twice before he gave her a reprieve, kissing her inner thigh.

“Fuckin…forgot how much you love eating pussy,” she laughed breathlessly.

An evil smirk crossed his face, “I ain’t done, ma. Just don’t want you passing out. Yet.”

Her eyes rolled back as he went back down, coaxing another orgasm from her. She gripped his hand, hips bucking off the bed. Her legs slipped off his shoulders as he pulled back. She sat up and kissed him desperately, reaching down to stroke his already hard cock. His own hips jerked into her hand as he sucked her tongue, pressing her back against the bed.

“You get that hard from eating me out?” she breathed, rubbing her thumb over his tip.

“Been hard since I saw you in the bathroom,” he shivered, “Been wanting to fuck you like this for months.”

He grabbed her hips and manhandled her so she was on all fours. She lowered her body onto the bed, her back arching and ass on display for him. Glaring, he slapped her ass. She jumped, giggling when he did it again. Her eyes rolled back when he slid deep inside her, her back arching as he bottomed out. He pulled out slow, lips parted as he watched her stretch around him.

“Look at this pussy,” he licked his lips, “Does that feel good, baby?”

“Yes,” she whined, “Oh my god, Coco.”

Hearing her voice crack around his name unleashed something primal in Coco. His thrusts hit deep and harsh, his eyes closed as he listened to her cries. Her thighs shook and she clenched around him, her walls clinging to him as he pressed deep. She gripped the sheets as she gasped with each thrust. She jumped when he slapped her ass.

“This is mine,” he stopped, panting as he slid into her as deep as he could, “Ain’t it?”

“Yes!” she cried, “Fuck yes, it’s yours! Coco, please!”

He resumed the hard and fast pace, smirking when she moaned in relief. He leaned over, kissing her spine softly. She was whimpering with each deep hit, body shaking from his movements and her prior releases. He reached under her to rub her clit, his eyes lighting up when she bucked under him. She released again, screaming his name when he didn’t stop. He finally slowed his hips and she panted, grabbing his hand and kissing his thumb.

“So fucking pretty,” he grunted in her ear, “You ready?”

She smirked back at him and nodded, “Give it to me.”

Coco did just that, pounding her into the mattress as she sobbed and begged him not to stop. He dug his fingers into her skin as he tried to hold it together. One of her shaky hands gripped his thigh and he wrapped a hand around her throat, holding her torso just off the bed. Her eyes rolled back when he laced his hands together and held her throat. She reached down to rub her clit, screaming his name as she came a final time. He grunted and came deep inside her, twitching as she clenched tight around him.

He pulled out slowly, smirking when she whined in protest, “You want me to stay?”

“Yes,” her hair covered her face but he heard the pout in her voice.

He laid down next to her shaking form, turning her onto her side and slipping back inside her. She hissed but relaxed back in his arms.

“I missed that,” she whispered after a few moments, their breathing slowed to normal.

“Me too,” he kissed her shoulder. She closed her eyes and pulled the blanket over them. He smiled, “You going to sleep, baby?”

“Till it’s time for round 2.”

#mayans imagine #coco cruz imagine #coco cruz #coco x reader #johnny coco cruz #mayans mc

[kams-corner]

Ona Batlle Recommendations

[disclaimer: i did not write any of the stories in these masterlists, full credit goes to the respective authors]

Key: *fluff, **angst, ***smut

* | ** Silver - oneshot the defeat at the world cup crushes you but Ona's there to help pick up the pieces

* Derby Day - oneshot you and ona have a rule - no speaking to each other before derby day matches. she desperately wants to break that rule.

* Welcome to Manchester - oneshot Ona helps you to settle in when you join Manchester United and something starts to blossom.

* Golazo - oneshot Ona isn't one to score goals... until she does with you watching on the sidelines - inspired by THAT goal

* Mistletoe - oneshot You and Ona end up kissing under the mistletoe, thanks to Ella’s Christmas prank.

* The Future Is Ours - completed in which ona moves from manchester united back to fc barcelona and you two navigate the long distance Part 1 | Part 2

** Recovery - oneshot you've never been great at dealing with your emotions. what happens when it causes you to lash out at ona Trigger Warnings: Argument, depression, treatments

* | ** | *** shivers - oneshot ona feels like she isn’t enough for you because you have been saying no to sex a few times

* love me like you do - oneshot you and ona feel like ivana and the others are hiding something from you and the next day, you find out what

** "don't you dare walk away from this" - oneshot ona has been ignoring you and you have no idea why

* | ** here for you - oneshot all you want is to comfort ona after you and england win against her and spain

* game night - oneshot Manchester United got on the right food from the get-go, having brought in reinforcements, they were well covered on all lines. The Spanish links were strong, Y/N Y/L/N and Lucia Garcia had fun up front while Ona Batlle joined from time to time on the attack. For Halloween, Ella Toone decided that a good old Game Night was long overdue.

* what is red? - oneshot in which ona explains to her girlfriend what it means when manchester is red

* | ** you left - oneshot in which yours and ona's relationship was falling apart and felt too real

* it's only a matter of time - oneshot just fluff and your first kiss with ona

* number 17 - oneshot where you get a tattoo with a very special meaning

* all i need is you - oneshot essentially just clingy ona

* small comforts - oneshot where you comfort ona after the events of the reading v united game

* | ** home is where the heart is - oneshot your girlfriend is moving to england and therefore so are you Trigger Warnings: implications of homophobia and parental issues

* soft - oneshot for you, she's the softest little bean

* here for you always - oneshot your girlfriend tries her best to comfort you after you lose to wolfsburg in the uwcl quarterfinals

* | *** you didn't see anything! - oneshot you and ona get interrupted during some rather interesting activities, clueing your national team in on your relationship

* through the looking glass - oneshot different perspectives of you and ona’s relationship

* | ** kiss it away with me - oneshot you need ona and she needs you after you both suffer crushing disappointments

* | ** no more secrets - oneshot ona’s kept a rather big secret from you and when you find out, it fills you with uncertainty and nearly breaks you

* | *** tiktoks and a little bit of fun - oneshot your girlfriend is addicted to tiktoks so she tries her best to get you into it, only to be pleasantly surprised

** loving her - oneshot your girlfriend is finding it very difficult to adapt to her move to england, especially because you’re still back in spain

* i think you do - oneshot you can’t sleep so now you’re really hoping alexia, mapi and leila are right about the feelings a certain spanish fullback is harbouring for you

* people watching - oneshot you’re very busy people watching others, too busy to notice that ona is watching you

* i don't wanna be your friend (i wanna kiss your lips) - oneshot in which ona decides she wants to be your first kiss

* you know i adore you (i'm crazy for you) - oneshot ona coming out 🌈 Trigger Warnings: a little anxiety

* | ** because you're the one for me - oneshot she’s the one for you. no one else could possibly come close

* | ** bad feelings - oneshot your girlfriend’s had a bad feeling all day and when you get injured on the pitch, she realises why. Trigger Warnings: blood and injury

* | ** | *** it's always been you / it will always be you - two parts Part 1 | Part 2 - smut

* | ** for you, i'd do anything - oneshot ona gets injured during a game and it wouldn’t be as big a problem if she wasn’t your girlfriend. Trigger Warnings: blood and injury

* | ** that one cat meme - oneshot Ona gets angry when you randomly disappear but it’s hard not to find her adorable Trigger Warnings: overstimulation

* | ** façade - oneshot ona doesn't need to keep up appearances around you Trigger Warnings: period pain

* | ** my dearest friend and enemy - miniseries you were ona's biggest headache at man united Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5

#ona batlle #ona batlle x reader #ona batlle imagine #woso x reader #woso imagine

[probsnothawkeye]

At midnight Central Daylight Time on Friday, March 29, 2024, @athansmusic released his debut album. Limbo, the album in question, is a story of hurt, addiction, regret, healing, recovery, and content. Over the course of three years, Athan worked to create this album, pouring his entire heart and incredibly personal experiences into each of the songs. I originally intended on doing short form reviews of each song, trying to fit all of my thoughts into a tweet or less; but Limbo deserves far more than that. Each song tells a story and each story has a parallel; to reduce that to two hundred and eighty characters would be a disservice to the album and to you, the person reading this. Before we begin, I should make a few things clear:

Things I am not:

A trained musician

A professional critic or reviewer of any sort

Things I am:

A lover of music

Someone who was deeply moved by this album

With this out of the way, we are ready to dive into the world of Limbo and the stories Athan has weaved into it.

Song 1 - Limbo

The album opens, as you might expect, with the titular track. Limbo immediately gives you the sense of being stuck; stuck in life, stuck in your emotions, stuck in your own mind. “I’ve been stuck here / Stuck in limbo for days” is the line at the heart of the chorus and this sentiment can be felt in every inch of the song. The instrumentals of this song start with a simple beat that grows over the course of the first verse and bursts into a full life in the chorus. Athan has a propensity for voice modulation that works so perfectly with the instrumentals that are being layered. What is especially noteworthy is the way the chorus progresses from one of finality to one of hope. “I don’t think I can / I don’t think I will / make it out of here / Maybe I never can” becomes “I don’t think I can / or maybe I will / Make it out of here / Maybe I can”. Despite this sense of being trapped, being stuck, there is still hope. It’s that hope that will become a thread throughout the album as it goes from one of pain and regret into growth and relief.

Song 2 - Chronic

There are two sides to Limbo. Side A deals with pain and that is seen very clearly in Chronic. As a person with pretty severe depression, I latched onto Chronic right away; it’s the kind of song that reflects exactly what I’m feeling without the song or its creator knowing what I’m feeling. The lyrics portray a sense of listlessness and a lack of belonging that digs deep into the heart and squeezes it from the inside out. “Hold on tightly / to what excites me / Otherwise I might drown, shit, it’s tempting.” I have felt this exact thing multiple times in my life; hell, multiple times in this past week. There is an incredible amount of relatability in Athan’s lyrics– something that clearly comes from his personal connections to the songs he’s writing. You cannot fake that kind of emotion and it is emotion that anyone can latch onto and relate to. Couple that with the slow, almost reverberating beat of the song and you get the masterpiece that is Chronic.

Song 3 - The Valley

The Valley is one of the shortest songs on the album, however that doesn’t stop it from being an emotional punch to the stomach. It’s a song about family, about the pain that family can cause and the ways that it impacts a person. It’s about the excuses that people make for themselves, for their families; how even when you know it is an excuse, you still end up craving it. It’s a song that both minimizes its own pain and allows itself to feel it fully. “And my problems are small / But they’re taller than me”. Two lines that encapsulate an emotion that I cannot name but have felt time and time again; two lines that help drive that punch to the stomach that this song provides. Athan has a way of creating these songs that have a beat to them that doesn’t feel like it matches with the emotionality of the lyrics, and yet it all blends together so well. The Valley is short. But it does so much with its runtime that you forget that it’s a short song.

Song 4 - WhatDoIDo

WhatDoIDo is one of my favorite songs on Side A. It hurts me in a way you might not expect when you listen to it yourself. That’s the beautiful thing about this album; its relatability makes each song hit differently for different people. “Well maybe I don’t know what I need / Maybe I’m running on empty” is a line that hits me square in the chest and pulls thoughts of my current depressive episode. This is different than what it might mean for you, it’s different than what it means for Athan, and yet it still hits all the same. WhatDoIDo is another song with a very heavy beat to it, similar to the reverberation of Chronic. It adds a level of depth to the song that makes it feel like it's dragging you down with it in the best imaginable way. Mix that with Athan’s love of voice modulation and effects that he used in this song and you create something absolutely incredible.

Song 5 - Chameleon

 “I've got about / 50 different hats that I have to wear. / One for my mom, one for my job. / One for my friends, one to survive.” Once again I have to applaud Athan for the relatability of his lyrics. The first time I heard this, I paused the song and stared off into space for a minute before restarting the song and letting it hit me again. Chameleon is a song about fitting in, about finding your place in the world and how hard it can be to be yourself. “Who am I without you around? / Maybe I can blend in somehow.” How well do we really know who we are? So much of a person is influenced by those around them; what happens when all of that goes away? What happens when it’s just you? These questions don’t have answers, but Chameleon asks them anyway and puts a fun beat to it while it rips your heart out. 

Song 6 - Distance

Distance is another song with an incredibly fun rhythm to it that punches you in the face with the lyrics. I boxed to this song recently and it’s perfect for a high energy/fast boxing session but it also has lyrics that break my heart in half. “I’ve been treading water for so long / It feels like I might just give up” – another set of lines that pulls an emotion I have felt for my whole life right out of my brain when I didn’t have the words for it. This is a song that I pick up on a little more each time I listen; different lyrics will stand out, or different ways that the instrumentals hit will pop to the forefront of my listen. One thing that I always think about is how this song feels like a race. You can feel the distance growing and growing as the race is run but you’re so far behind the song. You’re so far behind everyone else, and that’s what the song is trying to do. Athan has managed to space the chorus and verses in a way that it feels anticipatory, like you’re waiting to catch up to what is being said. “The distance it feels like it’s growing / but I will not grow”; the instrumentals perfectly make you feel that line in the pit of your chest, growing and crashing over you before simplifying during the verses as though Athan can’t keep up with the instrumentals themselves. 

Song 7 - Moon

Moon starts out with these lovely and light instrumentals and soft singing that make you feel like it’s a love song until you listen to it. In some ways it is a love song, but the root of the song itself is actually in insecurity, selfishness, and feeling that you aren’t enough for the person you care about. “I’ve been staring at the moon and it feels like / I don’t need you for forever, just for the night / I don’t care if it’s only temporary / I’d rather be happy for a moment of your time” – This section of the song is the chorus and it starts and ends the song as this beautiful mirroring that misses all of the turmoil that lies in between them. There is a point in this song where everything drops and that sense of insecurity and fear and darkness seeps all the way into the lyrics. You may not know this by looking at him, but Athan can scream just as well as any metal artist out there. And you might not expect this song that I described up top to have screaming in it, but it does and it hits so incredibly well. There are a variety of different talents that Athan shows off with this album; screaming just happens to be one. It adds to the depth and darkness of this section before it flips back into the light and lovely chorus that rounds out the song as if that drop never happened at all. It’s a beautiful song that uses its catchy chorus and light beat to lull you into a false sense of security so when everything drops it hits that much harder. 

Song 8 - DNR

This is another one of my favorite songs on Side A. It’s one of my favorite songs on the whole album. The first time I saw the title I thought to myself “DNR as in… Do not resuscitate? Or is this going to stand for something else– Nope! Do not resuscitate, cool cool cool.” This is one of the many songs that made me say “Jesus fucking christ Athan” out loud in my room while listening. And yet these darker tones to the song are part of the reason I love it so much. It’s a song about death that doesn’t feel like it’s about death. Sure, the words “Do not resuscitate me” are kind of blatantly obvious in their being about death; but the instrumentals and beat of the song itself are very fun and punchy. It starts out with these lightly strummed guitar notes that pair perfectly with Athan’s gentle singing and then it grows into something that decides it wants to hurt you in the best way. I also need to be a Classics major on main again and talk about the line “I can feel the coins of gold and silver resting on my eyes” because it’s one of those lines that just constantly sticks in my brain. Athan is ready to pay the ferryman to take him to the Underworld; it’s a nice little reference that makes me so happy I have cast him in a mythology themed podcast.

Song 9 - Break

It’s time to talk about horns! As in the instrument, not as in the thing on animals/demons/etc. You don’t expect them to show up and when they do you’re there like “Hell yeah horns!” Now you may be wondering why I am bringing this up now and all I will say for now is: it’s about the parallelism. But until we get to that part, let’s talk about the lyrics for this song because they do severe emotional damage to me. As I’ve said many times at this point, Athan is absolutely masterful at lyrics and relatability; this song is no exception. This whole album has a tone of parallelism from Side A to Side B, but this song in particular also parallels itself nicely. The first verse serves as a groundwork for the second verse to flip in answering. “Well I think you may have had it right / I’m tired of living in this life” versus “Well I think I may have had it wrong / Maybe I’m right where I belong”; “Mentally, I don’t think I can feel anything” versus “And yet I feel everything”. The way Athan’s lyrics speak to each other always ends up squeezing my heart in ways that are hard to put into words. Which might seem surprising given how long this is. The emotionality of it all feels so real because it is real. Athan has said time and time again that this is a very personal project for him and it bleeds into every second of the music in the best way imaginable. 

Song 10 - Persephone

We’ve reached what might be my favorite song on the album. It’s definitely my favorite song on Side A. This song is slow and soft and dark and beautiful; it is the musical equivalent of the John Everett Millais painting Ophelia. “Lay me down in the flower bed / Let it pull me undertow / I feel the darkness close around me / But I kinda like it though”. Something I haven’t talked about much yet is Athan’s vocals. Not only is he writing absolutely stunning lyrics and putting together these songs with a wide variety of different feels to them, he’s also an incredible vocalist. His vocals on Persephone are part of the reason I love this so much; there’s a point where his voice breaks just the slightest bit and it makes the song feel so much more real and poignant. It squeezes my heart in the best imaginable way. This song also includes a medley of all of the songs on side A which is absolutely stunning. The way the medley allows the different songs to speak to each other and in response to each other creates this beautiful picture of everything that came so far. 

Song 11 -  Diáleimma

We’ve officially reached the end of Side A! This song is the shortest on the album and also one of the most beautiful in my opinion. It represents the transition point between the two sides of this story; from pain and loss and regret into growth and love and recovery. The through line of the song is this idea that “I gotta be a better me”. The song itself is slow, almost reflective in the way it’s presented; it’s as if the song itself is thinking about how it is being perceived and is striving to be better. Diáleimma closes this chapter of the story, turning the page for us as it does so. 

Before we move on to Side B, we’re going to take a brief moment to talk about the album art for Limbo. It was painted by NataliesDreaming, who also happens to be Athan’s wife. Natalie is an incredibly talented artist and has produced an absolutely gorgeous cover for the album. The colors used feel like an extension of the songs themselves, tapping into the hope that grows throughout the album. Natalie’s work also allows you to feel the movement of falling; everything about it is absolutely stunning. This has been the brief intermission to talk about the album art and also to say that Natalie is super cool. Back to the album!

Song 12 - AmIDoingThisRight

Athan opens the second half of the album on an unanswerable question: AmIDoingThisRight? As we discussed previously, this is an album in parallels. If Limbo is about being stuck, AmIDoingThisRight is about trying to get yourself unstuck and the fear that still comes with that. You never know in life if you are doing things right, if the decisions you are making are the ones that you need to make. The bridge of this song lives rent free in my mind: “Cause I don’t think I appreciate everyone in front of me now / And I don’t think I recognize everything that’s detrimental to my health”. The voice modulation Athan does on that part specifically is so fucking good. 

Song 13 - Pocket

Pocket is one of my favorite songs on Side B (You’ll be seeing this phrase a lot coming up because I love so many songs). It’s a song about addiction and relapse which punches into that idea of relatability again. As someone who has struggled with self harm (albeit in a different way than Athan has) this song reached into my heart and pulled me back to my relapse, but in a way that felt healing rather than concerning. It’s a sad song that disguises itself as a soft song but it’s so beautifully done. The chorus makes me feel every emotion under the sun: “I feel so low / I swore that I’d let it go / It’s not a broken promise / I don’t know, I found it in my pocket babe”. This song feels so close to my heart in ways I cannot explain so I won’t try to. I will simply tell you that this song is beautiful and heart-squeezing.

Song 14 - (Good) Goodbye

Athan shared the context of this song and it punched me in the face. This song parallels The Valley and takes that song about family to a more heartbreaking level. One of my favorite lines from this song is “I’m so scared that my last memories / Will be made from my bad days”. Again, it’s about the relatability; that fear is very real, especially when dealing with family while depressed. The pain from Side A still stays in Side B, it just gets grown around and expanded upon to let the hope into it. (Good) Goodbye works very well with this idea; it’s a song that hurts but also leaves room to heal.

Song 15 - Feel It In My Chest

Another one of my favorite songs on Side B! It is the first song on the album to make me cry; if you know me, you know that that is surprising since I cry at most things. “But your soul is destructive / And you’re gonna end up alone” did lasting damage to me personally and I did cry about it. Despite that, this song is hopeful and full of love. It parallels WhatDoIDo and the answer to that question appears to be: you love anyway. “Feel it in my heart / Feel you in my soul / Held you in my hands / The greatest thing to hold”. The first half of the album feels like someone struggling on their own whereas Side B feels like someone learning how to open up and ask for help. Feel It In My Chest feels like opening up despite the fear of it all; the fear of ending up alone doesn’t outweigh the love that can be found with someone. 

Song 16 - Concealer

Concealer is one of my favorite songs on the album. It also punches me in the chest in ways that make me cry. This song parallels Chameleon and both songs are about the masks that people put on. Where Chameleon asks how to be someone without the influence of another person, Concealer asks how much of yourself do you need to hide to get help. “I’m struggling / Under the weight / Well I don’t know how much more I can take. / Could fade into the ether / Or maybe I’ll wear concealer now”. The way Athan sings “I don’t know how much more I can take” haunts me in the best way possible. It’s raw and real and it hurts so incredibly. The instrumentals on this are light and soft so the weight of the lyrics can fully sink into your bones. It’s a beautiful song that makes room around the pain to facilitate growth.

Song 17 - Growing Pains

Growing Pains has sections of whispering which honestly make me uncomfortable but in a good way. It’s partially the misophonia of it all, but it’s also just the pain of it all. It is, as it says, growing pains. It’s the growth that Concealer made room for, the space needed to heal and become more. “Why the fuck am I comparing / All the lights in the distance to yours? / You’re all I need” – Remember how I mentioned the idea of Side B being about learning how to ask for help? This song helps to dig into that idea; it’s a form of growing. The instrumentals of this song are light and airy and a little spacey; I’m fully obsessed with them. 

Song 18 - Inside

The parallelism between Moon and Inside is some of my favorites. Moon is a sad song disguised as a love song; Inside is a love song disguised as a sad song. “Well maybe it’s supposed to hurt / This love it feels like work / But fuck it I know; it’s worth it to grow / Into the dirt”. This song is enhanced by the fact that Natalie (the aforementioned artist and also Athan’s wife) is also featured on the track. Athan has said that this is the first duet they’ve recorded together and it’s absolutely gorgeous. Their voices compliment each other so nicely and Natalie has a lovely singing voice. You can feel the love that they have for each other in the song, even in the sadder lyrics of it all. This brings me back to the parallelism: Moon is about something temporary, something that is thought not to last. Inside is about someone who has stayed, someone who will stay and will help and will always be there. It brings the hope back into this story because it proves that people stay. That help can be given. 

Song 19 - Motionsick

This song has a lot of religious symbolism that I fully missed until Athan mentioned that it had religious symbolism. And once I had that context, all of the plays on words and phrases were just. So incredibly well done. “Why don’t I know you / Why don’t I know you anymore? / Why, why, try? / I fight this devotion Feels like I’m motion sick” – You might look at that and go “Pine, that’s pretty obvious isn’t it?” To which I say yes, it is, I just missed it because me and religion haven’t exactly gotten on very well. This also has a parallel I love with it’s Side A counterpart DNR: “I’m throwing punches / Battle what’s inside of me” in DNR which becomes “I’m boxing with my shadow but I keep on landing punches / It seems I like to bruise” and this does things to my brain that I cannot stop feeling. 

Song 20 - Bend

And we have reached the other contender for my favorite song on the album! This is my favorite song on Side B for sure, but I cannot figure out if Bend or Persephone is my favorite. Bend is such a hopeful song; it’s bright and beautiful and we’re back to the horns! Athan played the horns for Bend and they are always always in my mind. He didn’t play the horns on Break (this song’s counterpart) but that’s okay because he has played the brighter version of the horns and I’m obsessed with them. This song rounds out that idea of learning to ask for help even when– or perhaps especially when– it’s difficult. “Opening up doesn’t come easy for me / For me now / But I gotta learn how / Cause I don’t think I can help myself up tonight” – a line that perfectly encapsulates that idea. Part of the reason this song ends up feeling as bright and hopeful as it does is because it tells you that when you ask for help it will be given– “Oh, I know that it might have been a bad fall / But you’ll be there to catch me at the bottom after all”. This song has only been in my life for a week but it has made a home in my heart that it is never going to leave. It means so much to me already and it’s absolutely gorgeous. 

Song 21 - ESC

ESC has a very space-y vibe that feels like it is built for escape. The entire song feels like it is floating and then the lyrics pull you back down to earth again. It’s one of the shorter songs on the album, but it has a gentle beauty to it that leaves it lingering in my mind. “And I’ll fall / Down in insecurities/ I; I’m buried in shit surrounding me” is another one of those lines that really does things to me as someone who has been depressed for most of my life. That’s one of the most beautiful things about Athan’s music: short, beautiful lines that can make anyone feel connected to them.

Song 22 - Telos

And we return to the line introduced at the end of Side A: “I gotta be a better me”. Where in Diáleimma it feels like a judgement, like an impossible command, in Telos it feels like it’s something that is just around the corner, almost within grasp. Telos is bright and full of life as opposed to the darkness of Diáleimma. They compliment each other so well– as was Athan’s design. It also includes another medley of things from the entire album and it’s incredibly fun. It’s the perfect way to round out the main portion of the album– it closes the story and feels like a celebration of the whole album. And it’s an album very much worth celebrating.

Song 23 - Chronic (Piano Version)

You get a brief reprieve from my ridiculous amount of words since this one is a piano cover. It’s a very beautiful version of the song though.

Song 24 - Intertwined (Acoustic) 

This is an acoustic version of one of Athan’s older songs. It has beautiful instrumentals and lyrics that feel like they grew into some of the songs that are on the album as a whole. Athan didn’t put the lyrics on Bandcamp so I can’t pull examples for you but trust me they’re good.

Song 25 - Chronic (House Version)

There’s not much that I can say about this version that I hadn’t said about Chronic originally. But it is a fun additional version!

Song 26 - Hallelujah (feat. The Grotto)

This is one of my favorite versions of Hallelujah that I have ever heard in my life. The style is different from the other songs on the album, but fits perfectly into the music that Athan did for his podcast The Grotto. The Grotto is a liminal horror podcast about grief and it is absolutely incredible. The reason that this song is listed as ‘feat. The Grotto’ is partially because it’s Athan using that style of music but also because he included some of his screams from The Grotto in it. Don’t look too closely at why he was screaming. It’s not important. But this version of the song– because of the style that it’s done in– feels so unique and has a depth to it that can only be achieved in this medium. Athan had originally released it for The Grotto patreon and I listened to it after a bit of an emotional breakdown. It is as close to a religious experience as I am capable of experiencing. Hallelujah is the only cover Athan has on Limbo– he does more covers for The Grotto which are also excellent. Of all of the covers that he could’ve included, this one feels like the perfect fit. It mixes with the content of the songs Athan has written so well and showcases another style that he is able to pull off.

Song 27 - Bend (Acoustic)

Athan called it the acoustic version but I think of it as the silly version. There is a levity to the song that is palpable– it feels like a test run of the song but in the best way possible. It also gives a bit of insight into what the process of creation was like for Athan. In the original version of Bend, there is the line “I don’t think I will reach thirty if I’m lucky now”; the acoustic version follows up with Athan laughing at the fact that he’s much closer to 30 than he was when he wrote that. “I’m so glad to be alive”, a small little bit of this version but such a big change from the original words that were written. If you couldn’t tell by the amount of words I’ve put into this, I’m also glad Athan is alive. He’s written absolutely incredible music that he has shared with the world despite (or perhaps because of) the intense emotional weight of the content. 

Limbo is an album that longs. It grieves. But it also hopes. It hopes so much and shows that healing and recovery are possible. Athan spent three years working on Limbo and now it’s here; it exists in the world to be listened to and shared and written about and loved. This album has so much heart to it. The lyrics are beautiful, the instrumentals brilliantly crafted, and the vocals are stunning. It is an album that deserves to be spoken about in depth. It’s an album that deserves your time and attention. As far as debut albums go, this album showcases so much of what Athan can do while still leaving room for growth and new ways for him to surprise and delight anyone who is listening to his music. It also punches directly into the heart in the most amazing way, letting you know exactly what he can do with music moving forward. I feel very fortunate to be able to listen to this album and to know that I will be following along with whatever else Athan will be doing next. I’m also fortunate enough to get to collaborate with Athan on projects– he’ll be in my next podcast and I will also be paying him to do music for the show. Getting to work with someone so talented is a wild feeling, but I’m so excited for it. 

Thank you for joining me on this very long, very in depth review of Limbo. I hope you’ve enjoyed it and I hope you enjoy the album!

#I may have gone a little more feral than intended with this #Several thousand words more feral #This is five thousand words #this album is just that good #athansmusic #he's the dude who did The Grotto! #pine throws thoughts into the void of tumblr #im pinning this because i need everyone to listen to this #long post

[rafemotherfuckingcameron]

Request: Rafe and Y/n protecting each other at a party. Maybe a fight scene if possible? :) Thx

You Defended Me, I’ll Protect You

Word Count: 3.7k

Pairing(s): Rafe x reader, JJ x reader, Sarah x reader

Warnings: Fight Scene (Violence), Drug Use, Mention of detox, Drinking, Major Protective!Rafe, 

Summary: After Rafe's battle against drug addiction, Y/n and Rafe attend a party at Top's. However, the party takes a turn for the worse when JJ’s involved.

A year had passed since Rafe took the courageous step to break free from the clutches of drugs. The journey was far from easy; he grappled with withdrawal episodes, committed to attending AA meetings 2-3 times a week. Yet, with each passing day, the grip of addiction loosened.

Y/n stood by him at every turn, offering unwavering support. As the months rolled on, Rafe found strength in the routine of recovery. Y/n, acknowledging the significance of this milestone, suggested a celebration at Topper's party. The occasion would not only mark the passage of time but also serve as a testament to Rafe's resilience and the unwavering support that had carried him through.

Getting ready at Rafe's house was always a mix of excitement and anticipation. Y/n, dressed in a chic black top, denim shorts, and strappy heels, was in the bathroom putting on the finishing touches when Rafe casually strolled in without a shirt.

He approached her, gently placing his hands on her hips and stealing a moment with a sweet kiss on her temple. "You look beautiful," he murmured before diving back into his closet in search of a shirt.

Fully dressed and ready, they made their way down the stairs, hand in hand, and stepped out into the cool evening. Rafe, opened the truck door for Y/n, then hurried around to his side. As they hit the road, the hum of the engine and a subtle playlist provided the soundtrack to their journey.

This particular evening held a special significance – it was the first party they were attending since Rafe's detox. Nervous energy lingered, especially for Y/n. Past parties had been ruined by altercations stemming from Rafe's struggle with drugs. This time she was a little more hopeful that they could have a fun night.

As the party venue loomed in the distance, she found herself grappling with a mix of excitement and a lingering caution. Maybe, just to be sure, she thought, it was time to have a heart-to-heart with Rafe before stepping into the party.

"How do you feel about the party?" she asked, idly toying with the ends of her sleeves. "I feel good; I'm just happy to be spending the whole night with you," he replied, placing a reassuring hand on her thigh. "I need you to do something for me, though," she continued, looking earnestly in his direction. "Anything," he promptly responded. 

"I need you to avoid getting into any fights tonight... people might say things, but I need you to disengage from it." As she awaited his response, she intertwined her fingers with his.

"Okay, I will really try for you and for myself," he assured, sealing the commitment with a tender kiss on the back of her hand.

Entering the party, Pogues were seated outside, indulging in lines of coke and smoking weed. Among them was Sarah, Rafe's sister, who observed as they ascended the stairs to the front door.

"Look who it is, the Kook King without his head in the powder," JJ, one of the Pogues, remarked to Rafe. Despite the taunt, Rafe simply squeezed Y/n's hand and continued walking past them.

"What's wrong, Rafe? Has your whore got your tongue or something?" JJ jeered, hurling an empty cup at Rafe's back. Y/n guided him to the kitchen, aiming to get a drink and distance themselves from the Pogues.

"I'm really proud of what you just did," she expressed, pulling him in for a kiss. "I know, I just hate it when they call you those horrible names," he responded, enveloping her in his arms.

"I know you do, but just block them out," she advised, gently unwinding herself from him and grabbing two beers from the fridge. "Now, let's dance," she suggested, taking his free hand and leading him onto the dance floor.

The infectious beat guided their every step, creating a rhythm that seemed to synchronise with the pulsating energy of the music. As Y/n and Rafe swayed in perfect harmony, the surrounding world dissolved, leaving only the electric aura of the moment.

Y/n's arms found a comfortable perch around Rafe's neck, and their bodies moved as if choreographed, seamlessly merging into one another. The alcohol's effects were beginning to make themselves known, evident in Y/n's increasingly flirtatious movements. Rafe, acutely aware of the subtle shifts, found himself adjusting his pants more than once.

Leaning in close to his ear, Y/n whispered-shouted, "I'll be back, bathroom break." Rafe nodded in acknowledgment, his attention briefly diverted to her beer. "Do you want me to hold your drink?" he asked.

"Nah it's empty. I'll grab another one when I come back. Do you want another?" she inquired. Rafe smiled, appreciating the offer. "Yes, thanks baby," he replied, watching her navigate through the pulsating crowd as the music continued to envelop them in its vibrant embrace.

Navigating through the dense crowd, she finally reached the bathroom, only to find herself in a line of ten people. Frustration set in as the minutes passed, and the line showed no signs of getting shorter. In her wait, she caught sight of Sarah in the kitchen, locked in a passionate kiss with her boyfriend, a sight that made her stomach turn.

Just as she turned away, attempting to shake off the unsettling feeling, JJ and Pope approached her.

"Look who it is, Rafe's girl all alone. Has he ditched you for his coke already?" JJ sneered, blowing smoke directly into her face. Annoyed, she looked at them, her patience wearing thin.

"What is wrong with both of you? Just mind your own business and get lost," she retorted, turning her back on the unwelcome duo.

Her arm was abruptly tugged backward, twisting her body back towards them. "You know, I don't think Rafe has been taking care of you properly. Maybe you should let us take you home. Wouldn't want your trashy boyfriend hurting you when his head’s full of coke," he remarked, forcibly pulling her away from the bathroom.

"I don't need your judgment or your so-called concern. I'll decide who I trust, and it's certainly not some disrespectful pogue who doesn’t know when to shut the fuck up," she retorted, forcefully shoving him off and determinedly walking into the kitchen.

"Hey, Y/n, do you want me to make you a drink?" Sarah's voice called out as she prepared her own drink. "Uh, sure," Y/n replied, making her way to stand beside Sarah. She observed as Sarah skilfully combined orange juice and grenadine syrup in a cup from the cupboard, adding two shots of vodka.

"Here you go, Vodka Sunrise, my personal favourite," Sarah grinned, handing over the concoction. "Thanks, Sarah. I'm just going to the bathroom first; can you watch my drink, please?" Y/n requested. "Yeah, sure," Sarah agreed.

Heading to the bathroom, Y/n was relieved to find only one girl in line. 

Upon returning to the kitchen, she encountered Sarah passionately kissing her boyfriend. Politely moving in front of them, Y/n retrieved her drink and headed to get another beer for Rafe. "Thanks, Sare!" she shouted back at Sarah over the lively music.

Looking around for Rafe, she took a few sips of her drink, relishing the sweet taste of syrup lingering on her tongue. Pushing through the crowds, she accidentally bumped into a group of girls. "Sorry," she mumbled, continuing her search for her boyfriend.

Once outside, she realised she had finished her drink, clinging onto the empty glass as she continued her quest to find Rafe. However, her vision started to blur, and she stumbled around, feeling her stomach knotting up.

Nausea washed over her, intensifying with each step. Her legs began to feel heavy, and the overwhelming need to sit down grew stronger. The effects of the night were taking their toll, and she knew she needed a moment to gather herself.

Y/n made her way around the back of the house, seeking a quiet space with a lounge. As she settled onto the lounge, her glass and beer slipped from her fingers shattering beneath her. Rolling onto her left side in an attempt to find relief, she realised it was no use. Feeling increasingly unwell, she retrieved her phone to text Rafe:

Y/N: Wehre era yuo 

She sent the message, hoping he would receive it. Lying back on the lounge, she stared at the ceiling, beads of sweat trickling down her face. About five minutes later, her phone lit up with Rafe's response:

Rafe: Sorry baby, was just helping top move his bike, I’m outside near the pool.

Slowly reopening her eyes, she picked up her phone and held it up to her face. Despite the haze, she couldn't make out the whole text, only that he was near the pool. Lifting herself up from the lounge, she placed her head in her hands, grappling with the effects she was having.

Attempting to stand, she grabbed her phone and clung to the railing, slowly making her way toward the pool. Though it was only about 200 meters away, it felt like it took 30 minutes to stumble that far. Pushing past the intoxicated teens, she finally spotted Rafe sitting by the pool with Topper and Kelce.

Beads of sweat streamed down her face, giving the impression that she had just submerged her head underwater. Wiping the back of her hand across her face, she stumbled into JJ.

He looked at her with a smirk, observing as she hastily retreated toward her boyfriend. Slowly approaching the boys, she felt a sudden wave of fatigue, causing her eyes to start slowly blinking.

"Y/n, where have you been?" Topper shouted, abruptly bringing Y/n out of her thoughts. She attempted to respond, but nothing came out. Rafe approached her, wrapping his arm around her waist. "Where's my beer?" he asked, looking down at her.

His eyes widened as he took in the state she was in. "Hey, what's wrong? Are you okay?" he asked with concern, lifting her chin to meet his gaze.

"Don't feel good," she managed to say, falling into his side and grabbing his shirt for support. He carried her back over to Top and Kelce, placing her on the lounge next to him. Struggling to sit up straight, she lay on her left side, never letting go of Rafe's hand.

"Baby, can you tell me what doesn't feel good?" Rafe asked, lightly rubbing her back. "Every-thing," she responded, her body starting to shake uncontrollably, causing growing concern.

Topper crouched in front of her, noticing her bloodshot eyes. He felt her pulse and recognised how clammy her skin had become.

"Rafe," Topper whispered, signalling him to stand up. "I think she might have taken something. Her eyes are bloodshot, her pulse is racing, not to mention the shaking and fatigue," he said quietly, not wanting her to hear.

"Remember the first time I did coke?" Topper asked, jogging Rafe's memory about the symptoms he had experienced.

"FUCK!!"

Rafe sat beside her, gently pulling her back up to face him. "Baby?" he questioned, trying to get her attention. "Mmhmm," she mumbled. "What did you take?" he asked, cupping her face between his hands.

"I didn't take anything," she whimpered, tears welling up in her eyes. She placed her left arm around his neck, letting her head fall onto his chest. His arms enveloped her small figure, placing her legs over his.

"Hey, hey, it's okay. I'm going to take care of you," he reassured her, rocking her slowly. "Take some deep breaths for me, yeah," he instructed. "Deep breath, hold for 1... 2... 3, and out. Good. Another three for me," he said, breathing along with her.

Her breathing started to slow down, enough for Rafe to ask, "Can you tell me what happened after you left for the bathroom?" he inquired, looking into her eyes.

Nodding her head in response to his question, she slowly recounted the events she could remember.

"I left you to go to the bathroom; there was a long line, and then JJ and Pope came over to me, just talking shit about you. But don't worry, I gave it back to them," she chuckled a little at that before feeling her chest tighten again. She jolted at the pain, and Rafe could see it written all over her face.

"Hey, I've got you, okay," he calmly said, reassuring her. "What happened after you talked to them?" he inquired, his eyes filled with concern.

"I walked into the kitchen and talked to Sarah for a bit. She was making cocktails and made one for me - a vodka sunrise," she smirked, aware that it was one of Rafe's favourite cocktails, though he wouldn't admit it to anyone other than his girl.

"I asked her to watch my drink while I went to the bathroom. When I came back, she was making out with John B, so I just walked past them, grabbed our drinks, and left to come find you. That's when I started to feel like shit."

Taking in the information she gave him, Rafe tried to wrap his head around what could have happened in that time. Unbeknownst to him, Topper had figured out a potential scenario and was about to pull Rafe aside.

However, Y/n quickly sat up and announced, "I think I'm going to throw up." She attempted to stand but failed, prompting Rafe to help her inside and away from prying eyes. He opened the bathroom door, kicked it shut, and gently placed her on the floor.

Y/n always hated throwing up—the fear of not being able to breathe for those few seconds, the uneasy feeling before it finally comes out, just sitting in your stomach until it's time.

Fortunately, it didn't take long for her body to purge. She had her head in the toilet, holding onto the sides, while Rafe tied her hair into a messy bun.

He sat behind her, rubbing soothing circles into her back with his palm. She threw up about five times before she sat back, resting her head on his shoulder.

"How do you feel?" Rafe asked, still worried because he didn't know what was wrong. "Hot and tired," she responded, closing her eyes. "I know you're tired, but I need you to stay awake until we know what's wrong," he explained, placing her against the wall and retrieving a washcloth from the drawer.

"Hey, Rafe, I need to talk to you now," Topper said from the other side of the door. Rafe opened the door but stayed in sight of Y/n, waiting for Topper to start talking.

"Look, I think I know what's wrong with her," Topper said, watching Rafe's eyebrow raise in question. "With all the symptoms she's had, I think she might have been drugged. She did say she left her drink by itself." Rafe looked back at his girlfriend, resting against the wall, looking half-dead, her face covered in sweat.

He leaned down to feel her temperature and wiped away the sweat with the cold, wet washcloth. "Top, go find Sarah. I need to talk to her," he ordered. Top left the bathroom in search of Sarah.

Rafe lifted Y/n up and off the ground, pulling her into his side. They walked out of the room and sat on the lounge, and that's when he saw Top and Sarah approaching.

"Hey, Rafe, Top said you wanted to talk about someth- ohhh, is she okay?" Sarah said as she ran towards Y/n. "What happened after Y/n went to the bathroom?" Rafe questioned, still holding onto her.

"Nothing, she asked me to watch her drink," Sarah explained, looking at her brother in the eyes. "Did you take your eyes off it at any point?" he asked, and that made her break contact with him.

"Only like 10 seconds, Rafe. Why are you asking me this?" she said, getting defensive. "Because, Sarah, while you were doing whatever it was that you were doing, someone spiked Y/n's drink," he said, getting frustrated.

"OMG, what!" Sarah yelled, startling Y/n and leaving her confused. Rafe pulled her closer to him just as a familiar voice entered the conversation. "Someone's not looking too hot!" JJ joked, coming in closer to see.

Rafe turned around, staring daggers at him. "Fuck off, JJ!" he shouted, turning his back to him, his focus solely on taking care of Y/n.

"How does it feel to be on the other side, Rafe?" JJ questioned, slightly laughing as Rafe turned around. "What are you talking about?" Rafe answered.

"Instead of being the coked-out one, you're the caretaker. I just reversed the roles," he said, pointing to Y/n. "Although it looks like she's allergic to it. Whoops." JJ laughed out loud.

Rafe's expression grew darker. He erupted at JJ, launching himself forward with a powerful roundhouse strike from his right arm. JJ countered by swinging his fist, but none of the blows connected as Rafe crashed his elbow into JJ's side, causing him to spin under his arm.

Topper intervened, preventing Pope from joining the fray. A random girl shouted, "Fight!" and a crowd rushed back inside to witness the altercation. 

Y/n's eyes fluttered open, witnessing Rafe and JJ in the midst of their scuffle. She attempted to yell, but suddenly started convulsing. Reacting swiftly, Sarah turned Y/n onto her side, doing her best to keep her in place. "Rafe!" she yelled, desperately grabbing his attention.

"Y/n!" he shouted back, assuring her that he was on his way. Suddenly, JJ's fist crashed into Rafe's ear, causing him to stagger back. JJ followed up with a colossal right to Rafe's jaw, and he took a step back to assess the damage he had inflicted.

No damage.

JJ had struck him four times, yet it seemed as if he hadn't landed a blow at all. The two elbows had been forceful impacts, and the two punches were as powerful as anything JJ had ever thrown in his life.

Blood stained Rafe's upper lip from the second elbow, but aside from that, there was no visible harm. In theory, he should have been unconscious or in a coma.

Normally, JJ hadn't needed to hit a guy more than four times for that kind of effect. However, Rafe displayed no signs of pain.

Rafe lunged at JJ once more, his fist colliding with JJ's nose, breaking it and sending him falling to the ground. Rafe rushed back to Y/n, holding her down as she continued to shake uncontrollably.

"Should we call an ambulance?" Sarah asked, looking at her brother.

"No, they will call the cops and ask questions. We don't need that," he replied, addressing her inquiry.

Y/n's body began to calm, and she regained consciousness. "Rafe, can we go home now?" she asked, attempting to get up. He nodded, picking her up in a bridal style and carrying her out of the house.

Sarah opened his truck door and he placed her inside, putting her seatbelt on and closing the door gently. Rafe quickly circled the truck, hopping into the driver's seat, his focus on getting Y/n home and away from the chaotic scene.

As Rafe started the engine, Y/n leaned against him, her head resting on his shoulder. Sarah climbed into the back seat, making sure Y/n was comfortable. The night had taken an unexpected turn, and the drive home was filled with a tense silence.

Rafe's grip on the steering wheel tightened, his mind racing with concern for Y/n and frustration over the events that had unfolded.

Upon reaching home, Rafe gently laid Y/n down on the bed, making sure she was comfortable. Sarah, always ready to lend a helping hand, followed them into the room. Rafe appreciated the support, especially in moments like these.

As Rafe assisted Y/n in changing into more comfortable clothes, Sarah retrieved the Epipen from the bathroom. 

She handed it to Rafe, a reminder of a past incident. "Rafe, I got this from the bathroom. This is the one that you used the first time, remember?" she said, concern evident in her eyes.

Rafe nodded, his expression serious. "Yeah, I remember. Thanks, Sarah," he acknowledged, taking the Epipen from her. It served as a tangible symbol of preparedness, a tool to ensure Y/n's safety in case of another allergic reaction.

They work together, reinforcing their commitment to keeping Y/n protected and cared for.

Sarah lingered for a moment, expressing her worry and promising to check on them in the morning.

The room was dimly lit as Rafe laid beside Y/n, his hand gently caressing hers. "You okay?" he asked, concern etched on his face. She nodded weakly, a faint smile forming.

Throughout the night, Rafe remained vigilant, watching over Y/n as she slept. The moonlight cast a soft glow on their peaceful but dimly lit room. As the hours passed, Y/n's breathing steadied, and the tension from the earlier events slowly dissipated.

——

In the morning, sunlight gently streamed through the curtains, waking them both. Y/n stirred, her eyes meeting Rafe's, who had been awake for ages. "How are you feeling?" he asked, his concern still evident. She offered a reassuring smile, appreciating his protective presence.

"Hey Rafe, remember what we talked about in the car, about you not getting into any fights? I'm glad you didn't listen to me," she remarked with a mix of sincerity and humour. She couldn't help but appreciate the protective instincts that led Rafe to intervene during the chaotic situation.

Rafe offered a small, wry smile, acknowledging the irony of the moment. "Yeah, well, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do," he replied, glancing back at Y/n, who was resting her head on his chest.

The events of the night had indeed shifted priorities, emphasising the importance of standing up for those they cared about, even if it meant punches were thrown.

As the day unfolded, Rafe and Y/n navigated the aftermath of the previous night together. They discussed the incident, deciding on the best course of action to ensure her health. Rafe's determination to shield Y/n from harm only strengthened, fostering a deeper connection between them, their bond resilient in the face of adversity.

Rafe's commitment to Y/n's well-being became a cornerstone of their relationship, emphasising trust, understanding, and the shared strength to overcome challenges.

🤒🌿🍹👊🏼🤮💗🤒🌿🍹👊🏼🤮💗🤒🌿🍹👊🏼🤮💗🤒🌿🍹👊🏼🤮💗🤒🌿🍹👊🏼🤮💗🤒🌿🍹👊🏼🤮💗🤒🌿🍹👊🏼🤮💗🤒🌿🍹👊🏼

Absolutely loved writing this one, thank you so much for the request. Requests are always open, hit me up. I also love feedback about my posts, let me know what you think.

@anonymouscameron

@ilovethekookprince

#outer banks #rafe cameron #rafe mf cameron #rafe x reader #obx #obx fight scene #outerbanks rafe #rafe obx #rafe outer banks #jj x reader #rafe x read x coke #sarah x reader #jj x rafe

[tropes-and-tales-archives]

Sonny Carisi: I Need a Place to Stay

WC: 1,645

TW: Fluff.

AN: This was based on the prompt "I need a place to stay." And it's also the first piece I ever published on this hell-site!

Fridays were rarely calm at SVU, but the stars aligned in just the right way that you and your team found yourselves in a lull.  Not that anyone was complaining – the week had been unusually busy, but nearly all of the cases were closed or ready for trial dates, and you and the other detectives finally had a moment to breathe.  It was late afternoon, and Liv pulled on her coat and grabbed her bag.

“I’m heading out now,” she announced to you and the other detectives as she strode across the floor.  “I’m taking advantage of the quiet and going to take Noah to that Lego movie.”  She smiled and gestured towards the door.  “I suggest you take advantage too.”

Your partner, Fin, immediately slammed his laptop shut and grabbed his own coat.  “I’m right behind you, Liv.”  He waved goodbye and disappeared with your boss on the elevator.

“I suppose it’d be nice to take Franny for a walk while the sun’s still out,” Amanda said.

“And to get a head start on the weekend,” you added with a smile.  Amanda had been doing amazing at her recovery from her gambling addiction, but you knew that she still loved the thrill of watching sports – especially any and all playoffs.  Tonight was game six of the American League playoffs between the Yankees and the Red Sox, and as a native Bostonian, you knew you were at odds with your fellow detectives.

“You got any plans?” she asked as she packed up her stuff.

You looked down at your computer screen and sighed.  “Not really.”

“Well, take advantage of the calm here before it’s gone,” she said as she walked out the door.  “You’re only young once.”

You waved her off with a smile and returned to your computer.  The bullpen was quiet except for you and Sonny.  The lanky Italian detective was furiously typing on his laptop, his brow furrowed at the screen.  You watched him furtively, taking in the sight.  His hair, usually perfectly gelled and shellacked into place, was a bit tousled, and a strand fell over his forehead into his eyes.  He had taken off his jacket earlier, and the sleeves of his white shirt were half rolled up, revealing his fine hands.  You fantasized about those hands more often then you wanted to admit even to yourself, and you felt your face turning red.

“Done!” Sonny exclaimed, closing his laptop.  “I’ve got every piece of paperwork finished and caught up.”  He turned to you and grinned.  His smile was infectious, and you found yourself smiling back.

“You about done?” he asked as he stood up from his desk.  “I’ll walk you out if you are.”

You ducked your head and blushed.  “Actually….” You started to speak and then stopped for a moment.  “I’m going to stay here tonight.  In the crash room, I mean.”

Sonny cocked his head to one side and narrowed his blue eyes.  “You’re gonna sleep here?  Why?”

“I need a place to stay,” you mumbled.  It was embarrassing – your building had a roach problem, and the landlord finally was going to fumigate the place over the weekend.  It wasn’t your fault, but you hadn’t made many friends since you moved to New York from Boston.  A handful of casual acquaintances, but no one close enough that you felt comfortable crashing on their couch for a few days.  You explained the vermin problem to Sonny and hoped he didn’t judge you.

He frowned.  “You can’t sleep here.  Those cots in the crash room are disgusting and uncomfortable.”  He looked at you a moment, his blue eyes searching your face. 

“Stay with me,” he said.  “My couch is super comfortable.”  He tried to read your expression.  “But only if you want,” he added, uncertain.

You thought about it.  On one hand, Sonny was right:  the crash room at SVU was disgusting.  The cot mattresses were stained with god-knows-what, and the paint was peeling from the walls and ceiling, leaving little green flakes all over everything.  On the other hand, you had a major crush on Sonny, and you handled it by being extra reserved around him at work.  You imagined the potential pitfalls of staying at his place for a few days and shuddered.

“We can order pizza and watch the game tonight,” he added, and that sealed the deal for you.  You nodded at him and grabbed your overnight bag from where you had stashed it under your desk.  “Let’s go,” you said with a tentative smile.

********

The subway ride was short, and Sonny was uncharacteristically quiet, making a little small talk.  He lived on a quiet street (for New York, that is), on a third-floor walk-up.  Ever the gentleman, he had taken your bag from you and carried it, and you followed him up the stairs to his apartment.  He hesitated when you reached his door.

“Can you wait here a minute?” he asked, shuffling his feet.

You nodded, and Sonny unlocked his door and disappeared inside.  Through the door, you could hear muffled thuds and thumps and his footsteps.  A moment later, the door swung open and he invited you in with a flourish.

“What was that about?” you asked as you walked past him.

The tips of his ears grew red.  “It’s been awhile since I had company over.  Had to make sure the place was presentable.”

You laughed and took off your coat.  “So you shoved all your Playboys under the bed and tossed your beer can collection in the trash?”

Sonny’s ears got redder, but he grinned.  “Something like that.  Anyway, I’ll give you the tour and then we can order something for dinner.  How’s that sound?”

“That sounds great, actually,” you replied.  “I’m starving.”

********

It was the fifth inning of the ballgame, and you and Sonny had put away an extra-large pizza and more beer than you cared to count.  You were both settled on the couch, Sonny’s legs stretched out and you curled up on the other side.  The Yankees and the Red Sox were tied up, and the teasing, which had started out tentative, had reached a fever pitch.

“I’m just saying,” said Sonny, “we got twenty-seven titles to….how many World Series have you won again?”

You scoffed.  “Maybe we don’t stack our roster with super expensive players.” Sonny laughed.  “That’s the whole point of baseball, doll.  To win!  If you hadn’t traded away the Babe and cursed yourselves…”

You blushed at him calling you doll.  “Who believes in curses at all, let alone sports curses?” you replied, hoping he didn’t notice your cheeks burning. 

He laughed again and took a swig from his beer.  You watched him out of the corner of your eye.  Sonny was usually the squad’s resident ray of sunshine, but you could see a definite difference between Work Sonny and Casual Sonny.  At home, his hair was tousled and messier, making him look years younger, almost boyish.  The lines that were forming around his eyes were relaxed, and his blue eyes lit up as he told you about his grandpa taking him to Yankee games when he was a kid.  He had changed out of his suit into worn jeans and a grey Henley, and his entire aura exuded a calm that made you forget your apartment situation and the fact that you were spending the night on your crush’s couch.

 You had changed into more comfortable clothes too, the crash-room appropriate outfit you had packed for sleeping in.  If you had known you’d be sleeping over at Sonny’s, you might have considered packing something other than your worn sweatpants and oversized tee-shirt…

 Your mind drifted off as the two of you watched the game.  Back and forth, the two teams stayed tied.  You finished your beer and set the empty bottle on the coffee table in front of you.  You felt a sudden chill and shivered.

Sonny saw, and he shot up from his place on the couch.  “Sorry!” he said.  “It can get a little cold in here in the fall.  The landlord likes to wait to fire up the furnace, I think.”  He reached past you and grabbed the blanket from the back of his couch.

“Here, take my blanket,” he said.  He didn’t wait for you to answer or take it from him – instead, he stood over you and covered you gently with the blanket, tucking it around you until only your head peeped out.

“There,” he said, satisfied with his handiwork.  Instead of returning to his place on the other side of the couch, he settled in beside you, wrapping one arm around your shoulder, rubbing you gently through the blanket.  “Better?” he asked.

You nodded your head, unable to form words.  Sonny kept his arm around you, and you cleared your throat.

“Thanks for letting me stay,” you said quietly.  “I don’t have many friends in the city yet.”

“It’s no problem,” he murmured.  He glanced down at you and smiled, his eyes as blue as the sky.  The beer had gone to your head, making it feel fuzzy and warm.  You closed your eyes and leaned against Sonny, taking in his warmth and the lingering smell of his cologne that you knew so well.  His grey Henley was soft under your cheek, and you could hear the steady thump of his heart beating.  The stress of the busy week drained out of you, and you felt yourself falling asleep. You felt Sonny shift slightly, pulling you in closer as he settled against the couch and adjusted the blanket around you.  You were startled for a moment as he pressed a kiss to your forehead, but sleep pulled you back under almost immediately.  You smiled as you heard him say, moments before you were asleep completely, “you have at least one friend here in the city.”    

#sonny carisi #sonny carisi imagine #sonny carisi x reader #law and order svu #law and order svu fanfiction #tropes and tales

[elvispresleywife]

Precious Light.

Today in Australia anyway....is the day we lost a kind, fierce, loving and humorous spirit. Lisa (Yisa) Marie Presley. Today is hard. She was a beautiful person, both inside and out. To know that it's been a whole year since the news headlines, and Instagram stories came out displaying headlines like "Elvis Presley only daughter hospitalized after cardiac arrest" and so forth. I remember the day I found out it happened. I was getting ready for the dentist, and all of a sudden I go on Instagram and see the headlines. Immediately I do all the research I can, and begin praying for her recovery....but it was not meant to be. She was called home.

When the world lost Lisa Marie it was awful. I cried for hours after I found out. I didn't even know her, and yet....I miss her so badly. Just like her father, she carried an incredible light and legacy wherever she went, bringing joy to those who were joyless, and light to those who were in the dark. One of the qualities I most admire about her, was her ability to protect her family, especially her children and father at all costs. She wasn't ashamed to point out the wrong, and speak up, she was a fierce defender of the Presley name. She kept Elvis's legacy going on strong, and wasn't afraid to fight for it, even at her own expense.

When she lost precious Ben, at such a young age that he was, I believe that was the beginning of the end for her. She had experienced a life time of heartache and tragedy, more than any one person should. Being in the spotlight since she was born, only for the person who put her there to be taken away when she was 9 years old. Her mother put her in scientology and in her words 'kicked her out'. She was married 3 times, to different characters, and then went to court for multiple reasons regarding her latest ex-husband, and her battle for custody of the children. She openly admitted the fact that she was addicted to drugs, and that I believe made people love her more. Respect her more for coming out with it, rather than hiding.

In this time, we must also think and pray for her family. Her children, her grandchild, and her mother. Many people have conflicting views about Priscilla, but we must remember that Lisa is her daughter too, and we must acknowledge how hard it must be on this day, for her. I could never imagine losing a child nor how hard that would be.

So with this all said, Lisa honey, I hope your happier where you are. I hope your with your father, catching up on lost time, and laughing at old memories. I just know your father was your biggest fan, and he would be so proud of the gorgeous, courageous, incredible, beautiful woman you became. We miss you and we love you.

Love always.

Xxx.

#Lisa Marie #Elvis Presley #Beautiful Girl #Love you forever #We miss you #I cried so hard while writing thsi #We miss you honey

[mastcrmarksman]

clint, would you mind sharing how your drinking has effected your romantic relationships?

He very much does mind about this because that's a thing about trying to flip his life around, for the umpteenth that he really shouldn't be counting. He has to recount it. These questions make him uncomfortable, makes him want to crawl out of his skin and take off. Yet part of the name of the game, of recovery, of the superhero game is holding onto everything. Being able to recount and recall one's life.

On the recovery side, it's take that accountability with himself, that he had been ruled by addiction, admitting that he had done wrong to others (he's a jerk), that he had misssed out on life (which he had), and then on the other hand; superheroes should remember the wholes of their life. Own their mistakes, but thre might bee something in the archive of their memory to help them when a repeat problem comes. He gets why the Avengers have all that paperwork, for the archives; for a database, it needed to be kept in memory.

There's a reason why he's never been good about doing his paperwork, there's a backlog for a reason. He'd take the paperwork and lie, skip doing that, because the action is over. He's going to a bar, he's picking up a pack from a corner store and going to his room or apartmeent, he's planting his ass down and unwinding because he needed, always said he needed that.

This question makes him want to squirm even more than accounting for all the other ways alcohol has effected his life. It's engulfed him since he was young, first by his father, then his brother, and carried on by his mentors, then by himself. Eventully, he can't go blaming the rest and he had to blame him. Clint wishes he could blame just the alcohol for the way he's hurt his romantic relationships, and the drinking being a problem affected his relationship with Jessica the most of them all.

Addressing his romantic relationships, admitting that he hurt his exes and that his drinking had a part in that, but it's not entirely to blame. ❝ Well, for one. I'd miss dates or drink too much on dates. ❞ He wasn't unpleasant when drunk, at least no one has told him if that was true or not. Clint hoped, by the God that abandoned him, he hoped he wasn't anything like Harold Barton when drunk. That repulsive churn in stomach because he drank the same reasons that Harold did. He wasn't, he's sure, but that's an ugly fear to have.

❝ That'd end a night early, or like I said I'd miss things. Ignore calls, texts, because I holed up in my apartment. ❞ It'd end the night in othre ways as well, things that toe the line of what was comfortable to admit when it came in terms of his masculinty. ❝ Whiskey dick's a, uh, uh, thing. ❞ No more elaboration on that, that's not something he wants to analyze any further.

❝ Really, you'd have to ask my ex-girlfriends or ex-wife. ❞ He won't admit to the irritablity he got when he hadn't drank in all day or night, went without because his tolerance was so high, and the alcohol levls in his body started needing it. Irritabilty and more than ready to start a fight.

❝ I screwed up my romantic relationships without any liquid help. Beer just made that fact hurt less, a lot less. ❞ That's the most honest answer for him. It's true, and in his self loathing way to cope with those screw ups, he chose avoidance, he chose to drink. Yet that's not to say that it didn't affect his other relationships, his friendships, and Kate especially; who was around regularly when he was hangover at home.

There's a lot of apologizing he needs to do.

#here's some direct references to fraction's hawkeye 2012 there and other things been establishing #alcoholism cw #alcohol cw #addiction cw #drinking cw #self loathing cw #[ STUDY ] Clint Barton and Alcoholism #[ ABOUT ] I guess I just need something or someone to believe in or maybe I just need someone who believes in me

[dy1ngf0r4n4t0l1ve]

Photos From When I Was Knee Deep In My ED Addiction

It's crazy for me to look back on these photos & think that this was almost 5 years ago. This was the second worst time of my ED. I say second because yes, there's a time after this that I got even worse. And the fact that I got worse, is a testament to how having an ED is an ADDICTION. It takes over your brain. Your entire way of living. I was completely consumed by numbers, calories, thoughts of food, and everything else. This was a horrible time in my life for me.

But EDs don't just go away. They stay with you. I still catch myself today looking at these pictures & romanticizing my ED. I have to catch myself and remind myself that this was NOT a good time. This took over my entire life. I planned entire weeks of eating around a single meal on the weekend. Just so that people I was spending time with wouldn't think anything was wrong. Because they would see me eating. I ate such a miniscule amount of calories, that I know if I had continued to keep going - instead of seeking help - I would've ended up in the hospital or worse soon.

What woke me up to realize I needed to get help was when I woke up one morning and, same thing as usual, I got dizzy sitting up in bed. But it's fine, it's NORMAL. So, I proceeded to stand up, getting dizzier, and said to myself, "It's gonna go away shortly, like usual." I started walking towards my bedroom door to go use the bathroom. Except, after a few feet - while I was still focused on walking to my door - my feet took my body 90° to the right (my body didn't even turn, I was still facing forward - facing the door) where I collided with my dresser drawers, slamming into it and blacking out. THAT was the moment I realized that if I didn't get help soon... You can finish that sentence because the worst outcomes were all possible.

Today, life isn't perfect. Recovery isn't linear. But do calories and numbers pollute my brain? No. Am I constantly obsessing about what I should eat? No. Am I always constipated, trying to find ways to make myself go? No. Am I happy today? Yes. Do I have a healthier relationship with food? Most definitely. And do I feel better than I did when I was actively in my ED? YOU BET YOUR A*SS I DO. I'm grateful to be where I'm at today, compared to where I was then.

I hope you all stay safe. I hope if you have the urge to get help, even if that urge is the size of a mustard seed, you take it and you RUN WITH IT. You RUN to get HELP. Because you are worth it. Your body deserves it. YOU deserve it. And because NOBODY in your life today, wants to pick out the black outfit they will need to wear for your FUNERAL. Especially not anytime soon.

So please. Stay safe. Don't cut calories too fast. Drink your water. Take your meds. Eat protein. Eat fiber. And remember, the average person needs to eat around 2000 calories a day. Anything less than that amount, is cutting calories. Is eating less than your body needs. So don't do anything too drastic. But please always remember this if not anything else, YOU DESERVE TO LIVE A HAPPY & BEAUTIFUL LIFE.

And if no one has told you this today, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, FUNNY, KIND, SMART, & MOST OF ALL YOU ARE LOVED. YOU ARE ENOUGH. YOU ARE WANTED. I love you🖤

#restrict #rexy #eatclean #alone with my thoughts #mental health #mentally fucked #4norexi4 #tw ana diary #mental health problems #staysafe #4n4rexia #4n4m14 #4n4m1a #4n0r3xia #pro recovery #anorexic #ana #@n0r3xia #@na trigger #@nor3×14 #@na vent #@na tips #ana shit #anarexyx #anarexyc #anarexa #ana rant #ana rexx #anarexx #anarex14

[pr0serpinaa]

I say this as someone who has struggled with Anorexia - I hate the new “waifcore” aesthetic with my whole heart. It’s not a cutsey “waif” thing, it’s another name for proana bullshit. (I’m not talking about memes and discussions about recovery, just to be clear). I see so many Pinterest boards glamorizing eating disorders and addictions. And I get it. As a teenager I looked at proana stuff too. But you know what I didn’t do? Share these images with the rest of the world.

“I just do it to cope.” No. If you post and share Pro-ana images you are not “coping”. You are hurting other people. You want to look at pro-ana waifspo heroin chic aesthetic shit to cope? Fine. That is not healthy and certainly not a good coping mechanism, but at the end of the day that effects you and only you. You spread that shit around because you want more followers on instagram/tumblr/pinterest etc.? You are complicit in cultivating a culture that actively hurts people, including kids.

Anorexia does not make you look pretty and doll-like. It makes your hair fall out and become brittle. It makes your skin sallow and fucks up your digestive system. It makes it so that you are always in pain from something, whether it’s your stomach or a headache or muscles (atrophy) or your fucking bones. It makes you tired and dizzy all the time so you can barely think. It gives you wrinkles even if you are a teenager. And you can die from it - heart, lung, kidney failure, the list goes on but I’m not going to bore you. And it’s not a pretty, quick Lisbon-Sisters-esque death. Anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any psychological disorder. And if you don’t die, you can have health problems years down the road. And it takes forever to recover, if you’re lucky enough to. For me it’s been over a decade and I still sometimes struggle.

It’s not cute. It’s not ~aesthetic~, and it’s sure as fuck not “coping”. Stop sharing this shit where teens and kids and people who struggle with eating disorders can see it. I don’t care if you’re “coping” or trying to get more followers or whatever. You are directly hurting people.

I genuinely, genuinely hope that anyone who looks at/spreads pro-ana content gets help. I’ve been there. I know it’s easier said than done. But you need to realize it doesn’t make you beautiful or give you control. It takes your life away so that it becomes the only thing. You lose any type of control you think it gives you, especially if you are hospitalized (which you can forcibly be, even if you are an adult).

I know that it’s unlikely that anyone will listen to me or stop engaging in and spreading pro-eating disorder content, but I have been on tumblr a long time and have a fairly decent amount of followers so I hope it reaches someone.

#proana tw #pro-ana tw #anorexia tw #eating disorder tw #eating disorders tw #this was so hard to write lol #waif #waifcore #waif aesthetic #heroin chic #ed tw #love to you all <3

[coffeeheartaddict2]

Everybody hurts sometimes (17/18)

Second chance

Book: Open Heart (AU)

Characters: Ethan Ramsey, F!MC Casey Valentine, Tobias Carrick, Alan Ramsey, Naveen Banerji

Warnings: mentions of abandonment and unhealthy coping mechanisms

****Trigger warning- this series deals with issues of abandonment and addiction****

Category: fluffy Angst

Rating: Mature

Word count:1944

Summary: Ethan starts his journey to heal at rehab, it is confronting, it is hard, but therapy gives new perspective on things and how he has lived his life.

Disclaimer: Characters belong to Pixelberry

Authors note: For those who have endured this marathon of angst, the end is near. We will get the happy ending I promised you ok, no more Casey sleeping with Tobias, no more break ups, just a road ro recovery with lots of people who love Ethan. The initial ask was about how things would be different if he did not pursue Louise or hear her out. It took awhile to get to that ask but I wanted to show what Ethan nearly lost and that when I conceptualized the series required a lot of groundwork. Thank you for your support and comments and not hopping on a plane to come and kill me.

🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂

Three days after being brought to Mass Kenmore Ethan Jonah Ramsey was discharged and made his way to Willow Hill rehabilitation centre. Everyone was surprised that he took the rehabilitation option but Ethan said to them, he wanted to do this right, I am well aware of what I nearly lost, I know it will be hard and I do not want any temptation around me if there is a tough session.

Naveen drove him to the centre.

“I am so sorry Naveen.”

“I am sorry too, I could see you were not coping but I left it, there were no errors in judgment with patient care, your interactions with staff were the same…”

“Would I have been receptive though?”

“That is exactly what Tobias said on the ambulance ride over.” Naveen sighed. “He is hopeful of reconciliation with you, did you know?”

“I am well aware, yes.” Ethan looked out the window, contemplating everything. They arrive at the centre and Naveen gets him all checked in. Naveen states he will only come when requested and wishes him well in his journey.

His first session was the next day. He gave the abridged version of how he got here. How his mother left him and Alan with no warning when he was eleven, the assumption and anger that he felt when he thought that he was the reason why she left. How he had kept everyone at a distance, Tobias, Estelle, Casey, how Louise out of the blue contacted Alan, her showing up at Edenbrook and the downfall that stemmed from him not talking to her. Ethan felt a little lighter but even he knew that there was much to unpack with the abridged version. He was asked what he hoped to get of of his stay.

“I want to heal, not only myself but to repair the relationships that I have damaged.” The therapist liked that answer very much. He went through the schedule. The therapist asked if Alan or any of his other friends. Ethan was amenable to this.

The therapy schedule was rigorous and confronting and Ethan felt vindicated for choosing rehab. Both Naveen and Alan came to visit after two weeks. Both men were happy to see progress. Ethan stated the biggest thing was coming to grips that he had lied to himself for 25 years. Alan was philosophical, stating he had his reasons to believe what he believed, especially when there was little evidence to believe otherwise. Ethan was apologetic for all the pain that he had caused both of them, especially Alan. Both men were happy that he was confronting the demons of his past. Surprisingly Ethan was not missing alcohol. He brought it up in a group session initially. He was not surprised that he was in the minority and it lead him to speak to his therapist one on one. Him and his therapist discussed why he drank initially and he realized he used it as a way of escaping. Bad day? Have a scotch. Want to ignore something, have a drink. Even the times he drank outside of parties in college was to escape the pain. Even drinking after Casey had gone to sleep was to dull the pain due to feeling like he was unable to say I love you to her.

Ten days after the revelation, Tobias came out for a visit. He was happy to see Ethan doing well. He told Tobias of his breakthrough and how in discovering why he drank, felt like no better person than his mother. Tobias reminded him that unlike his mother, he did not completely wallow, yes you pushed away and just about drunk yourself into oblivion but you hit the bottom and coming out the other side. Also despite everything you have had a good life by societal standards.”

Ethan thought on that, “it just meant I have the means to get help.”

“If you had spoken to her when she first came to Edenbrook, would you have helped her?”

“Maybe, I do not know. When you came to visit me after kissing Casey I think I was coming around albeit slowly, I was given a note, I read it several hours after I came to Mass K, That is when I lost it more.”

“There is a difference between reading it and hearing it for yourself though.”

Ethan nodded, “how is Casey?”

“Busy, boards are fast approaching, so she is studying hard, she is nervous but I think she will do well.” Tobias breathed. “What is the latest with you both?”

“She wants to get back together and work things out, we both wanted me to be a bit more on the journey.”

Tobias was happy to hear this.

“I am sorry too, for all I have done.”

“Medical school was on me too…”

“I know that, but that night I was a mess of emotion, and you come in, saying you heard we split, I was angry…”

“Rightly so Ethan, she gave me no reason to think otherwise but I should not have detoured, or even called her other friends.” Tobias took a deep breath, “you are the brother I wish I had, our friendship ending hurt me too but as you said when we met after you launched Diagnostic Principles, you still felt you could not trust me and if you did not feel that you could then we agreed to go our separate ways. That hurt too, I might add.”

“I was saddened too, I know we bonded over good coffee, what we wanted in our careers but the clincher was you like me were from a broken home and you had nothing to do with one parent. That was something I never had, the circumstances were different for both of us but still the same outcome.”

“Same on my side too, I am just glad that I was able to rebuild some trust eventually, despite what happened with me and Casey.”

Ethan nodded. “Unlike med school though, you knew for sure where things stood and as you said, the incidents occurred over highly emotional times.”

“That is true and when the numbness wore off, she felt horrible, actually apologized for using me as an emotional punching bag which is how she felt with you towards the end.”

“I know I flew off my handle when I saw you talking that day at Kenmore…”

“We can both argue your rational side had gone missing there Ethan and given our history, it was not a huge leap to make.”

“I know but I still knew it was different from medical school,I think because I knew I pushed her away like everybody else…”

Ethan starts to cry and Tobias lets him cry. When he appears more calm, Tobias said

“You did push, I will agree with you but you pushed because you felt unloved and unable to love which I know is not true, even now, on this hell of an emotional journey the fact that you do love her has not changed and I know she still loves you. I know you have for a long time felt unworthy of love but all this time you have gained so much love, Naveen, Casey, myself.

Ethan realized that Tobias was right, there was a lot of love in his life and they were people who chose to love him.

“I am glad we are becoming friends again, Tobias.”

“Me too, Ethan, me too.”

Ethan stayed a month at Willow Hill and went as an outpatient for another two weeks, to help him transition back into the real world. He researched therapists for when he was out and he found one who specialized in what he was going through and was not affiliated with a hospital. When Ethan came out he saw Naveen. Coming back to work was the main topic. Naveen was happy with the progress made and was happy for him to come back part time.

A week after release Ethan met up with Casey for lunch. Casey was happy to see Ethan and was impressed with how far he had come.

“I am sorry for pushing you away so much. It is still disconcerting that I knew at the time that I loved you but not feeling as though I could express it.”

“It was a shock to you Ethan, I know you had your reasons for not talking to her and in a way I felt bad for enabling you in that…”

“You had your reasons, you saw the distance I was putting on people who said I should…” Ethan took a breath. “Thank you for giving her comfort in her final days.”

“She enjoyed hearing about you, especially from Tobias, she had fond memories of you being mischievous and she was happy to hear that you still retained some of that. I never read the note but I knew she was writing it but I know she was proud of the man you had become, even though she did not get the chance to say it in person.”

“She said in her note the reason she went through Alan is because she thought I would not give her the time of day if she reached out to me directly…”

“At least you knew why she left.”

“Yeah, I do not know if I would have spiraled so much if I had heard her out…”

“We never will Ethan.” Said Casey as she reached out to touch his hand. Ethan turned his hand upwards and entwined his fingers amongst hers.

“I feel like a horrible friend,” admitted Casey. “Excluding what happened between myself and Tobias, I never saw you after we split up and I know we said before you went to rehab we would discuss us after but I did not come and see you and I know we emailed…”

“I know it is not the same but I know you are two months out from boards, that is rightly your focus and I had a lot to unpack at rehab, not just us. All I do know is that despite everything I still love you so much and I want to give us another try, if you are willing.”

“Casey smiled, “I still love you too.”

They finish their meal and Ethan walks her back to her apartment. He kisses her gently and Casey returns the kiss. “I really want us to work this time Casey.”

“Me too”

He kisses her again and she goes inside. Both relieved that they had taken the first step to repairing their relationship.

That night, after doing some self reflection and journaling, came to realize just how bittersweet Boston had become. Sure he had built a career and a chosen family but the ghosts of what he nearly lost were all to clear. Even at Edenbrook, the ghosts of the attack were still there and even in the now used wing he saw the ghosts of an unwell Naveen. He still steered clear from alcohol but his did start to wonder, what was next for his career? He went to his desk and saw all the journaling he had done, he thought about writing a memoir of his spiral and recovery. He then emailed his publisher with his thoughts. Happy to have that done he went to bed, he messaged Casey good night. His phone rang. “Good night Ethan, I am looking forward to being in a place where I am staying over with you.”

“Me too Casey, me too. I love you.”

“I love you too Ethan.”

Ethan went to sleep, hopeful of a future he very nearly threw away.

——-

Authors note: a little bittersweet this chapter, but you can taste the happy ending right?????

One more chapter, it will encompass boards and a little after then do a small time jump, just over a year.

For those who have endured, again thank you

Tagging: @jamespotterthefirst @jerzwriter @genevievemd @youlookappropriate @cariantha @alj4890 @crazy-loca-blog @bex-la-get @a-crepusculo @ofmischiefandmedicine @lucy-268 @binny1985 @schnitzelbutterfingers @trappedinfanfiction @potionsprefect @liaromancewriter @socalwriterbee

@choicesficwriterscreations

@openheartfanfics

#open heart #ethan ramsey #choices fanfic writers creations #fic of the week #Tobias Carrick #au #everybody hurts sometimes #happy ending #casey valentine #choices #play choices #choices stories you play

[chronically-ghosted]

I’m so sorry for essentially spamming you, because I legit stayed up until 2 AM reading Recovery Road because I just COULDN’T stop, and I def left you several novellas in the comments on ao3 because I couldn’t contain myself, lol.

But, in all sincerity, RR is one of the best things I’ve ever read. Ever. I mean fics, published works, anything.

As someone with a past history of substance abuse, I’m often wary of reading fics that touch on recovery or addiction at all, because I’ve been burned a few times by careless mishandling of what’s obviously a sensitive topic, or seeing it reduced to nothing more than a trope. But holy mother of god, the care and empathy you obviously took the entire fic was SO apparent. So many times while reading, I had moments of “oh, I have BEEN Natalie or Dieter or Heidi, I KNOW I exactly what’s going on right now and EXACTLY what it feels like, and this is IT.” Even when it was ugly and messy and painful, it was obviously written with such care in a way that was just beautiful.

And I’m seriously FLOORED by your ability to describe the hurricane of emotions through it all in such a visceral way. There were times where I could just FEEL the heat of shame burning in my gut, the sinking weight of grief, or my heart just damn bursting during their moments of triumph and happiness. And I so appreciate the time you took with the story and characters; a story like theirs, together and separately, just takes time, especially to have any hope of ending up where they did, and I love so much that you allowed them that (even if I did gasp out loud at the ten years reveal lol). I was truly just clutching at my chest, covering my mouth, and near tears the last two chapters especially.

Thank you so, so much for writing this absolutely beautiful story and for sharing it. I absolutely can’t wait to positively devour anything and everything else you go on to write. 🖤

this, without a doubt, made my entire week 🤍 i have no idea how to respond to this because this level of dedication and thoughtfulness towards something I wrote . . . i am gobsmacked!

first of all, the fact that you wrote an individual review on multiple chapters -- it's totally not spam and i read every single one of them twice and i think i'm a little bit in love with you??? seriously, that is like every writer's wicked fantasy 🤍

secondly and this is a big one - THANK YOU?!?!? addiction and recovery are things that have definitely affected me too, and I've always been the Heidi of the situation. But the way people treat or talk about addicts as if they are less deserving of care and empathy is horrific. In my own life, I struggle to find that balance of boundary setting and empathy all the time so I was genuinely worried about taking these sensitive topics and putting them in the realm of fantasy fanfiction. Of course, things are going to end well because it's fanfiction, but in real life it doesn't always and there's always that concern of relapse (which, in my opinion, makes addicts rather incredible to have to wake up every single goddamn day and make an active decision not to do the easy thing -- I struggle with doing my skin care routine daily).

I really have to shout out @spookyxsam for the realism -- she helped me through a lot of the scenes of Dieter's downward spiral, how someone on that many drugs might react or what they might say. And she diagnosed both Dieter and Natalie and wrote out their prescriptions! That is a very weird text chain to have in your phone! 😆

I had a couple of different phrases running through my head while writing this: "right person, wrong time", "loving someone is as much of a choice as it is to stay sober", (and if it wasn't totally obvious by Andrew's speech) "love above all else is what makes life worth living". I think by the end of it, both Natalie and Dieter made their own little families, independent of each other and then as one themselves. I genuinely hope you got some of that sentiment while reading this. There's something so desperately tragic about Dieter as a character (even in the original movie) that I am just obsessed with. Have I done way too much character analysis for a character from a Judd Apatow movie? Yes. Is that ever going to stop me? No.

*on my hands and knees* thank you for taking the time to write all of this out. this is a very close and personal fic for me, so to hear it affected you even at all, it means so much! 🤍🤍 I promise I will get to your request from my 100 followers event -- that one is SO DIETER IT HURTS! thank you thank you thank you and see you next time!

#nice things people say to me #dieter bravo #recovery road #dieter bravo x f!reader #dieter bravo fic #yall got me crying in the club

[fuwaprince]

Hi blog, me AGAIN *crowd boos*

Time to dump my hurt feelings into a post before they manifest into something else!

If I begin to talk about vulnerabilities irl no one will let me go on for long... or just sit with me while I think about it and cry... they don't like to hear about homelessness and abuse. About tragedies. About my life!!! About my shadow and heartache! That's really what it is...

No loved ones are willing to listen to the gorey and intense details of my recovery process here (offline) and I can't bother introducing my cascade of problems to a new therapist in 45 minutes only to meet every other week and hope I do something besides bitch. What's the point in that? There's no medical treatment for poverty. No pill for fixing social exclusions. There's no warmth for me there.

To call it a psychological problem on my behalf would be to deny the reality that this problem exists outside of my head. This isn't a matter of mindset or addiction to pain.

I am not addicted to suffering. That is not why I am unwell.

It'd help to know where I could barter someone (who I somehow already deeply trust) to physically hold me. 5 minutes. Lights off. Barely any seeing. Barely any talking. Just a moment of embracing safety and a peaceful quiet.

You don't get to eat positivity for breakfast, lunch and dinner. No one thrived off of just hearing the words "you need to take care of yourself" over and over again.

Can offline people care to do more for each other? I'm asking out of skepticism, not entitlement. Is the world really this helpless to each other now? I don't believe it and it makes this whole thing even more tragic.

It's too much to care for, for them. It hurts them too much to listen or see me crying the way I do alone. It sincerely will bother them for days and weeks to the point of self medication and it's even worse for them knowing I'm not getting better in their eyes. Hair falling out. Bad skin. Peeing in the middle of my worst moments out of fear. Yellow infections smeared and old brown blood. Malnourishment. The times I drop to the floor for a bit. It's disturbing watching someone you've never seen before FINALLY let themselves out. Can you imagine? The quiet friend you know who never cries finally feels vulnerable enough to cry in front of you. Do you perceive him as the most fucked up, helpless and PATHETIC human being on Earth for it? A lost cause? You ask your friend to take off their bandages to prove they aren't exaggerating and they're just as shocked as you are when maggots fall out. What do you do? Leave in disgust or stay? Cry harder than them and tell them that's not normal?

Whatever you do, please don't respond with marginalization. Please don't tell them they don't matter to you because you don't believe they're worth the time of day if they won't be getting better. Please believe your quiet friend is still right there in front of you, quietly trying their best... and if you can't say anything nice at all, tissues are a great resource to pass along instead of demoralization. Is there a way to treat the severely and chronically ill that isn't turning away from them when they ask for help?

Everyone else is already on fire around me and whatever I have to say is such a hazard that they don't want to risk burning up even more by being around any emotional flares. I see the real dangers in it. So they run and scream "fend for yourself"... they treat it like it was my goal to destroy their last shreds of peace... and it never has been!

Why is that perceived as evil and malicious?? Especially when the same group of people suggests "maybe you should reach out". Oh but not to you... And not anyone who I called a friend. And not any of my loved ones or family members. Hm. Well... who does that leave besides my ugly reflection in the mirror?

Imagine your friend saying, "would you like institutionalization or imprisonment? because I am not qualified to just talk to you like a human." Like wtf are you a chatbot????? Did the Creator forget to program your empathy???????

Now I have an "ick". My ick is hearing "grow up! MAN up!". The amount of times I've heard man up makes me not want to be a man at all.

It makes me think being a man = being treated like a machine and at that point why stay running? It isn't for me. It's not as simple as just turning off a switch to escape this either.

Can't blame anybody if they aren't in the mood to sit with someone else's feelings (can be draining) but it's lame when what I get back is unsolicited to do lists At Best... Well, that's not true. Someone hugged me briefly- before scolding me for my inadequacy in a friendly manner. Someone else used my desperation to be held as a gateway to keep touching me (not okay with that btw, that's just how they choose to be and who I'm stuck with if I want to continue having rides to school). I'm starting to get annoyed and frustrated for even trying to reach out. For even trying. I'm trying to be optimistic. Pretending I know there's helpers out there and that I just have to find those people. Pretending that it's okay if I only get worse as long as I'm not alone. It's hard to cope.

Like if I went up to one of the few people around me and asked for a hug shyly, they'd sigh and tell me what I ought to do instead is pick myself up by the brastraps and start doing chores (which are conveniently beneficial for them most times- although I was once assigned "go have fun" which led to some hedonistic indulgence in Bayonetta). Chores are good to do, yeah. Maybe I should clean your place after you CREATE A MESS THAT WASN'T ALREADY THERE for the purpose of me cleaning it and see if it makes me feel any better. Maybe you can reassign one of the chores you actually had onto me. Work is a great discipline. Maybe I needed that too since I like being useful (please use me but don't just use me) but actually- what I was seeking was just a moment of comfort. A 5 minute hug without many words. Maybe just to hear "you aren't alone" but in person... reading it online or writing it to myself is nice. I know humans will always want more but this feels so small to ask for.

If I saw myself, I would hug me. I would hug a stranger covered in piss and shit and ON FIRE with a fire blanket if it meant they could go on with their life knowing a caring someone stopped to extinguish their flames. It won't matter how they caught on fire. I'll understand that things don't just spontaneously combust. I'll understand that they needed help and I won't say a single word if I can get away with it because I don't usually offer many words irl. I wouldn't wait to be asked after glancing over. I wouldn't turn away to let them continue screaming. That's somebody's person. Somebody's kid. My Earth family.

Do burning houses ever put out their own flames? Or is it always other people? When people see their neighbor's home is on fire, do they pray that the universe sends them a rain cloud and call that angel's work? Do they yell at their neighbor "grab a hose" when they see he is trapped in the second story and cannot reach through flaming walls?

I would like my next to do list to be suggested without shame... I want it to feel like a gentle reminder. I don't want it to feel like "Shut Up, Leave Me Be, and Do What I Say Instead Since You're Too Stupid To Think For Yourself". I thought about it btw and I have a long to do list as is. The problem is actually doing it all somehow.

My only answer is to go on without humanity and learn to be a rock or just be happy with the online connections I'm lucky enough to have. I can search for pictures of hugging and try to make it work. I can ask a chatbot to describe it in detail again so I can read it to bed. Wanting anyone is why I'm suffering, or am I just blaming myself for yearning for something so basic to compensate for the members in my Earth family not caring enough to take responsibility for each other? Because communities have been corrupted for so many years by hate and forced isolation that they think it's a way of life? Why keep imposing that way onto ourselves and each other?

Why do we choose "You're disordered? As in acting out of order? How about: Solitary confinement, you threat to society. Here, here's a hammer. Go smash some rocks into pebbles and it'll make the world a better place. You might learn something instead of bothering me."

I just don't see how that's ever going to help the poor human who knows what to do already and can't get himself to do it. Or can't do it alone.

Why do we choose that over "I feel you. I'm here. You're not alone. I'm here. Trust me, it's okay to cry in front of me. I cry too. I promise things will get better. You're brave. You're strong. Thank you for being my friend. Thanks for reaching out to me. I'm glad you're alive. Let's take care of this. Let's get you cleaned up.".

Can I hug myself all alone? I need to clone myself for a group hug because the robots around me forgot they're human too. Or maybe I'm the robot and I need to know my place. Crying. So much

#long post #bring back empathy #bring back love #let it return please

[layanasstories]

First of all, I am not a doctor nor did I study any form of medication. So all you will read is made up stuff that sounds intresting...

Secondly... have fun reading!

----

Oblivion

NINE

A month has passed since our first meeting. We've been on a few dates, he's told me more about my past. We click nicely, but I don't feel a real twinkle yet. That's why I'm taking it easy. I work my five days a week, trying follow my daily routine as best I can. Only today is different.

Three weeks ago, just a week after I met with Jake, I went to see a neurologist for the first time. One who specializes in amnesia. He was shocked by my story. And furious when I showed what pills I had been given to take. I haven't touched them since Jake told me not to take them. The neurologist, Dr. Jeffrey Millward, had told me that he didn't recognized the pills at all and wanted to do research for himself what exactly is in the pills. Today I'll get the results, he had called me yesterday and indicated that he wanted to speak to me urgently. I didn't tell Jake about my visits to Dr. Millward. I know I shouldn't keep secrets. Only I didn't want to give Jake false hopes that things could be all right again, as far as my memories are concerned.

I'm waiting in the chair, facing Dr. Millward. He is still busy working on his computer. "Sorry for the wait, but I really need to get the report." he doesn't even look up. It takes another five minutes, but then I hear his printer and he jumps from his chair. When he has taken the papers from the printer, he sits down in front of me. "Okay, I've done the analysis on the pills. And I've requested your records from after the incident. MRIs, scans, photos, blood work. I'm not going to beat around the bush, I'm deeply shocked." his face is soft, as if he is going to tell me terrible news. "Layana, I'm so glad your friend told you to stop taking the pills. They're pure poison. It's a custom-made pill. It contains substances such as arbiturates, amphetamines and alprazolam, among other excipients. These substances are highly addictive, so I'm surprised you didn't have any withdrawal symptoms.

But coming back to custom-made, these pills are specifically made to suppress your memory and bring any recovery of your memory to a halt. He looks at me and asks if I can still follow him. "Yeah, I'm definitely still following it. In other words, these pills are made especially for me because they don't want my memory to come back.". "Precisely!" he answers. "But there is also good news. I've seen all your photos and the like, the damage you described was exaggerated. The damage is not that bad, and after four years it should already be healed. What I want to do is a new scan of your brain. We can do that immediately after this conversation. There's also one other thing we can do, it's experimental, but I want to give you the choice. We have a medication, which purifies unwanted substances that come from medicines and/or drugs from the body. This could just speed up the process of restoring your memory. The only known side effect is diarrhea. This can last up to three days and drinking water is the most important."

He reaches forward and puts his hand on mine, the way doctors do. "Listen, what they did to you is indescribable. And if you want, I can and will testify for you if you want to report them. But besides that, I want to do everything I can to help you get your memory back." I sigh deeply, hope is a dangerous commodity. Only this time I think hope is justified. "Fine. Let's do it all. The scan, the medication.". He squeezes my hand in recognition of my choice.

The new scan showed that the old one had been manipulated. Yes I had some damage, but certainly not as bad as it was said. And now there is no damage to see at all. My brain should be working like no other. Which made the doctor realize that the pills had been working for longer and deeper than he first expected. I was on the drip for three days, to flush all substances from my body. And I noticed that all to well, almost three days non-stop on the toilet. But I no longer had nightmares. More and more images came back to me. The doctor had warned me that I would not get everything back, just the vast majority. That was enough for me.

On day four, when my diarrhea had stopped, I was allowed to go home. I certainly don't have all my memories back yet, so the doctor advised me to look at lots of pictures, listen to stories, and most importantly, visit places, anything to trigger the memories. And that's what I intend to do.

#duskwood #duskwood everbyte #duskwood jake #duskwood mc #duskwood jake x player #duskwood jake x mc #duskwood game #iamjake #duskwood fanfiction

[toxiichxc13]

Maybe you should just fall

And leave the world and lose it all

And if that's what you need to finally see

I'll be with you through it all​

Bring on the pills, roll the dollar bill

Medicating will never heal

Relapse, rehab, repeat

Always thinking about the me, me, me

Self-destruct, spiral down

Until your want becomes your need

Please get up like I know you can

Or forever love the fall, 'cause

I don't feel like I'm getting through to you

Let me paint this wheel

Life is short, my dear

Honestly this song will always hold a special place in my heart. Why you may ask? Well where do I start? How about we start it off by me introducing myself; I’m Killian. And I’m a recovering addict that’s been in recovery for 16.45 months or 1 year 4 months and 13 days. I was in and out of my addiction for 6.5-7 years.

Okay, now that a little background is out of the way; let’s go ALLLLLLLLLLLLL the way back to the beginning. I have a genetic condition that caused my body to create polyps all throughout my large intestine. And of course, my luck, they were so spread out that they couldn’t just remove a section of it. So October 6th, 2011, I had a total colectomy.

And thus my addiction to pain pills started. Throughout my hospital stay I was on a morphine drip that I could hit I don’t even remember how often. Then upon discharge I was prescribed Percocet and also got it refilled multiple times. Then my doctor knocked me down to Vicodin (Norco). Was prescribed this for a couple months after. Little did I know that I’d become addicted to the way they made me feel until I didn’t have them anymore.

That’s when I started doing whatever I could to find them. Didn’t matter. As long as I could get high, I didn’t care who I hurt in the process. I was a shit human being. I’d get sober for sometimes a few weeks to a few months. But then I’d fall right back into the same pattern. Relapse, rehab, repeat. Those lyrics were my life for almost 7 years. Minus the rehab part because I swore I could get sober myself. You know, like most addicts swear they can do. Yeah, I was that person. Anyway, getting off topic here.

So back to the topic, in 2014, my baby sister got diagnosed with cancer. And I got clean for a little bit, actually more like a year and a few months. Then February 6th, 2016, I got the phone call. I’ll never, ever, ever forget that day. I shouldn’t have had to bury my baby sister. I honestly hoped it was a nightmare but it wasn’t. And I spiraled back into the abyss. Only this time it was worse and I had kids involved. And a new wife that watched me get clean then stumble back down. I got worried that I was going to die this time. Then May of 2021, my wife at the time left me. June was a horrible month for me but then I said fuckkkkkk it.

July 1st, 2021, I got clean. I literally decided I was done with it and I haven’t looked back since. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve honestly thought about it. Especially when life started to spiral again. Little bit of context on that; in August of 2021 we got back together and tried to fix things. Things were going well and then things were slowly going back to how they were before. So May 9th, 2022, we ended things. Then May 15, 2022, my dad passed away. And damn did I want to relapse or turn to something heavier. But I fought those demons and won.

So I guess the whole point of this is, I’m proud of you! Whether you’ve been sober for 12 hours or 12 years. I’m proud of you! I know from firsthand experience that every day is a battle. Sometimes all you can accomplish is waking up and staying sober, but guess what; that’s more than enough. We do recover! We do get better! I’m living proof of that 🖤

#recovery #addiction #journey #Spotify