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aceofspadegrass · 3 years

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Get Sick? Break in!

Characters: Niragi Suguru, Chishiya Shuntaro

Genre: Just a sickfic, I guess. Chishiya's just taking care of a sick Niragi, who is a huge grumpy pants.

1.5k words

Nobody asked for this, I just got bored and decided to write Sick Niragi and Chishiya pretty much breaking into his house just to care for his sick butt then leave.

Of course he'd get sick on a rainy day. At least he didn't have plans, but it sucked that he was sick anyways. He rolls over in bed, pulling the blanket closer to him as he breathed through his mouth, his nose completely and utterly stuffed. He didn't even have the energy to grab any medication, and he didn't exactly live with anybody.

So, here he was, suffering by himself.

At least nobody would take pity on him.

Niragi sneezes, grabbing a slowly diminishing box of tissues and blowing his nose hard. He tosses the dirty tissue into the trash bin that thankfully sat within reach of the man, Niragi curling back under the covers. He might as well attempt to sleep off the sickness. Nothing else he could do.

----

Niragi wakes up to the feeling of a wet rag on his forehead, and his entire body burning. He whines under his breath, tiredly blinking as he kicks off the blanket in irritation. He tries to reach up for the towel, but something stops him, and it's then when Niragi spots the blotch of white kneeling near him, and Niragi squints, his eyes refocusing themselves to the smug looking bastard known as Chishiya. He growls a little, Chishiya calmly staring back.

" How did you get in.....?" Niragi's voice was raspy, but still usable. Chishiya just slowly blinks and pulls Niragi's hand away from his forehead.

" Your friend down the hall let me."

Damn it Last Boss. Damn it all.

" Fuck."

" Hey now, at least someone came to check up on you." Chishiya glances at the blanket, and pulls it back up around Niragi. " Stay under the covers, you'll make yourself worse."

Niragi sticks his tongue out. " You're not my mom."

" I sure hope not, because they raised a bitch."

" You take that back-" Niragi tries to yell, but that strains his throat too much and he starts to cough, Chishiya backing away so he didn't get coughed on. Niragi wished he would, make him suffer with him.

Chishiya just watches him suffer, Niragi groaning and tugging at the blanket, eyes shut. " Can you leave now?"

" See, I would, but now that you asked, now I don't feel like it." Chishiya says with an air of arrogance that Niragi wanted to shoot in the face, but he was a little incapacitated. So he opts to just bury himself in the blankets and attempt to sleep again.

Surprisingly, it works.

Unsurprisingly though, it doesn't last long. He wakes up again an hour later, and just starts coughing again, cringing at how heavy and thick they felt. Niragi grumbles and clings to the blanket, the wet rag at least helping a little bit. Not much, though, but it was better than nothing. He feels a finger poke his cheek, and he cracks an eye open as he looks up at a white blob, immediately scowling.

" Here, take some medicine." Chishiya says, and Niragi can make out a glass of water and what might be a napkin, Niragi grunting as he sits up a little and squints. Sitting on the napkin was two pills, Niragi glancing up at Chishiya for a second. Chishiya doesn't move, Niragi looking at the pills again.

" What do you want."

" Hm?"

" Why are you doing this to me? What motive do you have?" Niragi squints at Chishiya, who kept that same smug look he always had.

" I have no motive. Just felt obligated to make you look less like a drenched sewer rat."

Niragi grumbles, but he swipes up the pills, taking them into his mouth. Chishiya wordlessly hands him the glass of water, Niragi taking a few sips of the chilled drink to wash it down, then a few more to feel the cold wash through his hot body. Chishiya watches him without a word, even when Niragi sets the now empty glass down and curls up under the blanket again. Just barely, Niragi could see Chishiya just standing there, and he glares at the male.

" Leave."

" I'll be on your couch then." Chishiya walks away, Niragi calling after him as best as he could.

" I meant out of my house, you underdeveloped mozzarella!"

Chishiya just waves, and he disappears out of sight, Niragi just grumbling some more. He's not sure of how much time passes, just the slow silence and occasional sniffles coming from himself. He grumbles, and attempts sleep for the third time. However, it escaped him this time, so he had suffer for as long as he had to. He groans under the blanket, the headache getting worse and worse and foggier and foggier.

Chishiya comes back a little later, or at least a white blob did, and Niragi could've sworn the illness got worse somehow, despite taking medication. He just remains curled up under the covers and attempting sleep, breathing through his mouth.

Through the haze, Niragi could barely make out the sound of ceramic hitting wood, and the blanket as tugged away a little, letting in fresh cold air. Niragi involuntarily shivers, muttering and attempting to tug it back up. It fails though, and Niragi squint-glares at the white blob.

" Hi. I made soup." Chishiya says, and clinks a spoon against the bowl. " Now, are you gonna help yourself, or do you want to be fed like a little kid?"

" Fuck off, Chishiya."

Chishiya lowly chuckles, that damn laugh that made Niragi mad and his head hurt even more, Niragi squeezing his eyes shut. Still, when he opens his eyes again, Chishiya is still standing there, just staring down at him with nothing behind those eyes.

" Didn't you hear me? I said-"

" Oh, I heard you. But my name isn't an answer, so......"

Niragi just glares at him, his head just pounding. Like hell was he about to be fed by this box dye bitch. He determinedly attempts to sit up, and Chishiya offers him zero help as bit by bit he manages to get into a sitting position. Niragi huffs, and Chishiya at least carefully hands him the bowl, making sure to balance it well enough on top of the blanket that remained on Niragi's lap so it didn't burn his core. The spoon was already sitting there, innocently. Niragi couldn't smell it at all, but he could feel it. It looked like chicken noodle, some standard soup for the sick. He didn't remember having any chicken noodle though, Niragi taking the spoon and swirling the bits around the broth a few times.

Chishiya doesn't say a word, just standing there and watching, waiting. After way too long, Niragi finally takes a spoonful and sips at it. It tasted exactly as he expected, but somehow under this sick spell it felt like the best damn thing he has ever tasted. So he took another spoonful, this one with a piece of shredded chicken and a carrot peacefully sitting within the broth, and he takes that too. It was soft, yet not mushy at all. A satisfying soup. He lets out a hum of satisfaction. He looks up at Chishiya again, and he almost didn't want to even praise him, but he end up swallowing his overflowing pride, even for a mere second.

" Thanks. It doesn't taste like ass."

Chishiya just hums, hands tucked in his pockets as he continues to stand there. Niragi blinks, then scowls. He looks away and back at the warm and comforting meal, eating as much as he could take in.

Niragi doesn't remember when he ended up eating it all, and he yawns. The soup warmed his core in a good, heavenly way, and he sets the bowl on the bedside table. He barely realizes that Chishiya left at some point, but Niragi didn't care at that point either, crawling back under the covers as his tiredness overtook him, Niragi snoring away 'til morning.

When he wakes up again to a clearer nose and less of a migraine, enough that Niragi felt comfortable enough to leave the comfort of his bed, he shuffled around his house, checking to see whether Chishiya had touched anything he wasn't supposed to. However, as far as Niragi could see, nothing was out of place at all, except for a single note on the benchtop of his kitchen and a lack of dishes. Niragi picks it up, squinting at the tiny handwriting.

' Feel better. It gets boring when you're not being annoying and on the move. And make sure to retake the medication. I put it back in the cabinet, third bottle on the left.- 🐈'

Niragi blinks, then huffs a little, the paper crinkling under his fingertips. " You little......" He throws the paper back down, even though he fills a new cup up with water and the bottle of medication that Chishiya probably used. " How dare you come in, do all this 'care' shit, then just disappear. Absolutely rude and pathetic. Didn't even stay to make sure I didn't die in my sleep-" He mutters to himself, taking the appropriate amount.

Still, somewhere buried in him, he was a little thankful he even showed up in the first place.

#aib #alice in borderland #aib fanfic #alice in borderland fanfic #chishiya shuntaro #niragi suguru #niragi x chishiya #chishiya x niragi #niragi pretends he hates the attention but he probably enjoys it #why did chishiya break into the house in the first place?#who knows #this doesn't exactly take place at the Beach at all #chishiya's a med student #he probably at least attempts to be a good one #niragi is an angry noodle #chishiya don't break into people's houses to play doctor you goof-

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monst · 4 years

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The Silence after sex

This is an answer to that one anon who legit sent me a blank ask it’s right here. (Apparently it didn’t let me answer it directly) But, Seriously -.-‘ I’m not sure if you did it on purpose or if it was an accident. How am I supposed to answer silence???? You know what since ya like trolling me so much I’ll indulge ya. So I looked at this ask and, thought okay silence hmm-

The silence after sex

All characters 18+

Shigaraki Tomura, Dabi, Bakugou Katsuki, Kirishima Eijirou, Shinsou Hitoshi, Hawks (Takami Keigo), Fatgum (Toyomitsu Taishiro) Twice (Bubaigawara Jin) x reader (They are in that order if you wanna skip around)

Shigaraki Tomura

After he cums inside you, you’re both a panting mess of sweat and saliva. He takes his time to pull out and, immediately demands cuddles. It’s a peacefully silence; His arms wrapped around your waist as yours cradle his head running your fingers through his greasy hair. It’s soothing. It’s safe. When you pull him up, he can’t help but feel emotional, What with you pressing soft kisses on his forehead your fingers tracing the wrinkles around his eyes. He feels loved. It’s a new and odd feeling but he doesn’t hate it. And, when you feel him grinding into you again you can only roll your eyes with a smile. Because if this rat boy only knows how to show how much you mean to him by fucking the shit out of you then by all means you were going to let him.

How the silence broke:

“I Love you Tomura.”

“I don’t hate you.”

(I love this crusty man!!)

Dabi

After your well and fucked your out like a light. And, once your eyes close the smirk that was on his face drops and, he’s looking at your abused body. He’s burning with turmoil angry that he does this to you and, angry that you let him do it. He’s thinking of how beautiful you are and, how you deserve better than some street rat. Any other person wouldn’t call you defaming things or get off at making you cry. They wouldn’t spit in your mouth and use you like a urinal. He was bad for you. But the moment leaving you enters his mind he’s pissed because he’ll be damned if anyone else got to see you like this. You were his and as he dressed in silence his eyes never left your form. So long as you were willing to shed tears for him and, beg for his return he’d always be back. But in the meantime he was going to snap a picture of you and leave. He’ll wait for one of two things. For you to wake and call him or for you to text him that you never wanted to see him again.

How the silence breaks:

“D-dabi where are you? Why’d you leave?”

“That’s none of your damn business dollface.”

“….Okay be careful…and…..remember I love you Dabi. I’ll be waiting for you to come back so…. don’t die…Please”

(Kaz is a Dabi fucker……)

Bakugou Katsuki

He breathed in the scent of your hair as he held you flush against his hard body. His arms cocooning you protectively. He was in awe. He was always left in awe after he made love to you. You and, Bakugou never just fucked even when he was rough with you it was never mindless. You were the only person he’d every be vulnerable and open enough to have sex with. You were the only person in this world who carried a gold band on your finger given to you by the hero himself. He always thought of how lucky he was when ever you guys were snuggling in silence after sex. Today he was in a daze. After two years of marriage you were allowing him another part of your body. Your womb. His arms went down to caress your stomach the same stomach that will one day hold another little Bakugou. He pressed a gentle kiss to your head and, untangled his limbs from yours to get a rag to clean you up. You were already drifting when he came back a snort escaping his lips as he wiped off your drool. His lips coming into kiss you as he whispered-

How the silence broke:

“I love you so damn much.”

“Mmm”

(He’d be soft with his s/o afterwards and no one can tell me otherwise.)

Kirishima Eijirou

It was a silent morning. He woke up before you, wincing at the pounding of his head. It really felt like his brain was training to be an MMA fighter. He cast a look to your slumbering form a sad smile on his lips. You were undeniably gorgeous. You would also wake up with a hangover and, how he wished he could stay and tend to you when you awoke. But life didn’t work that way. He was just a booty call. A friend you called over to smash because another lover had broken your heart. Why couldn’t you give your heart to him? Why was he always reduced to a rebound? He let out a heartbreaking sigh as he pulled up his jeans. Once dressed he walked into your bathroom to pull out some asprin. His red eyes were shot tears threatening to spill over. Sex with someone you loved was supposed to leave you feeling happy and complete. But, whenever he and, you had sex he felt hallow, sad and regretful. Putting a glass of water by your bedside with the pills he ran his fingers through his hair. He knew the drill leave before you get up and come back when you called in tears….. But, he was done the post-it on the glass should be enough of an explanation. He was done with the vicious cycle and, next time you called he wasn’t going to be back.

How the silence broke:

Your sobs could be heard from outside of your apartment as you clutched the note to your chest. You had realized to late how wonderful Kirishima really was.

(Whoops…. This happened)

Shinsou Hitoshi

The smile on his face afterwards could only be compared to the sun. Bright and shining as your fingers traced shapes on his bare chest. You made him completely happy and, whether he was topping or not he was always left with a feeling of connection to you. You completed him and, thoughts like those ran wild in his head. Thoughts of how you’d raise little gremlins and, grow to be rocking chair raisins. His fingers came to stroke your cheek his lips parting in a soliloquy-

How the silence broke:

“Last night I dreamt of the sun….. it was bright, it was warm, and it was wonderful….. Her light shone upon me granting me warmth from the cold. Her luscious heat making me smile. She illuminated the grey filling up my heart. She brought warmth to my sheets, a fire to my soul, joy to my life and with that she took my heart. When she captured it, I thought for a moment why is it that sun chooses to shine for me? Isn’t the sun so breathtaking? Radiant?! Blinding?! Why…the sun?.. It brings life, it brings hope for a new tomorrow…. She brings me life, she is my hope for tomorrow….And I? I am her earth the one she fills with creations, with hopes and dreams. I am her earth that will never cease to spin around her. Even when I’m blue and dizzy my dance will be for her. But then I woke up…..I wasn’t dismayed because when I turned to the side she there was the sun right beside me.

(Shinsou is a poetic romantic! Change my mind!)

Takami Keigo (Hawks)

He was content with the silence. After years of unspoken attraction, it finally happened and if he was much happier than he was at that moment he’d burst. That’s why his face was buried in your stomach as he laid upon your legs. Your arms came down to caress his wings. Your fingers felt like heaven on his soft feathers that he could feel his arousal begin to rise again. However, it was a tender moment that and, he felt so comfortable. It was as if your arms were made to hold him and the thought had him drawing circles into your lower back. From your seated position you looked down missing his blissed-out expression as his sandy locks blocked your view. You didn’t stop threading your finger through his feathers and he wasn’t going to ask you to stop either. You stroked the red plumage until you felt him shudder. You paused. It didn’t look like it harmed him, so you repeated the action receiving the same trembles from the man. It was then that he made a sound and you couldn’t help but look down at him incuriously.

How the silence broke:

“Keigo? Are you cooing?”

“Roo.”

(If keigo cooing isn’t a thing it is now!)

Toyomitsu Taishiro (Fatgum)

Toyomitsu was scared. He wasn’t speaking and neither were you. Were you dead? Did he drown you in his cum? Oh Lord please don’t let that be the case. He could see it now ‘Pro-Hero Fatgum kills his girlfriend via oral!’ He was relived when he heard the audiable sound of you swallowing. Streams of his essence slipping past your lips as you were unable to swallow it all. Hell Fatgum didn’t mind he was more impressed with the fact that you could even take him in your mouth. When your eyes finally met his, he gave you a sheepish grin making you roll your eyes with a smile. You felt like a turkey on thanksgiving with how stuffed you were. Fatgum stretched your cunt beyond what you thought possible and, had filled you up so well that it was still flowing out. That wasn’t anything compared to how sore your jaw was and how full your belly was. He really took being a whole ‘meal’ to a whole ‘nother level. Toyomitsu knew he was a big man even without his quirk so he was quick to make sure you were okay.

How the silence broke:

“Ya scared me darlin’ thought ya died for a second there.”

“Ha. Ha….. Ugh I’m so damn full. Wipe that grin off your face!”

(He has so much lewd potential that I can’t even!)

Bubaigawara Jin (Twice)

He had pulled out a while ago a bashful look on his face as he looked down at you in your afterglow. His eyes took in everything from your frazzled hair to the light sheen of sweat that made your skin glow. He didn’t waste a single second and immediately took you into his strong arms cuddling you. You smiled brushing your nose upon his in a cute bunny kiss his stubble brushing against your chin. You ignored the scratchy feeling in favor of running your fingers down the scar of his forehead leaning up to press your lips upon it lovingly. Twice didn’t say a word. Although he ached to tell you how much he loved you and how happy you’ve made him he refused to open his mouth. He was afraid that after he said something to melt your heart, he’d ruin it by saying something rude. The last thing he wanted was to hurt you. You who had completed his life. He had finally found a place with the league, comrades a family and, then you came in to complete the picture. You came in to love him all! Damn he loved you! So much. Maybe he should just say it.

How the silence broke:

“I love you (Name), That’s right my fucking bitch.”

“This fucking bitch loves you too Jin.”

(Love him!!! Love him please!!!)

(There you got 8 characters happy??!! Lmaoo you can totally tell who I follow with these scenarios that and there so damn self-indulgent but hey can you blame me? The ask was to make something out of nothing right? Right?!?!)

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kuronanox · 4 years

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Second chance - Kensei Muguruma

Yes she knew Kensei was dead, yes she knew that Kensei would leave one day and yes she still allowed herself to get hurt by him.

"What's on your mind?" Kensei asks her one day as they laid on her bed. "It's nothing." She replied flatly back, afraid to show she was feeling down.

He grunts at her response and flips her body towards him. "Stop with the stubborn talk." His face filled with concern as she knits her brows at him.

"I just wanna sleep." (Your Name) argued back as Kensei clicks his tongue in annoyance before facing his back away from her. "Suit yourself then."

(Your Name) turned her back away as tears fell from her eyes. She tried her hardest not to make a noise but her body was shaking. Her sniffles made Kensei picked her body up so she was sitting on his lap.

Kensei demeanor now changed as he could see she was feeling down about something. "Hey baby what's wrong?" His voice showed no roughness as she covered her face with her hands.

"I'm fine." She replies not looking him in the eyes.

Gently he removes her hands away from her face as she looks down.

"(Your Name)." Kensei calls out moving the hair out of her face.

"You." (Your Name) started to say and continued. "You are going to leave me behind."

He let out a big sigh and brings her body to him in a big embrace. Although he wanted to comfort her Kensei knew every word she said were true.

Initially Kensei didn't want to be in a relationship with anyone let alone a human but he fell in love and it was crashing downhill fast. Every word he wanted to say were lies because he wanted to make her feel better, but he knew it would only hurt her more.

They lived in two different worlds. She would die as he stayed behind.

"Don't worry, I'll always be watching over you."

Those words were not enough for her.

"Go to sleep, it's been a long day." Kensei continues as she stayed silent. He lightly placed her down and switched to big spoon as he caresses her body. "Just relax and sleep."

The next morning he was gone, probably back at the base with his other friends. (Your Name) just got ready for the day and walked down the streets of Karakura town.

At first (Your Name) didn't believe Kensei was actually a spirit, but one day as they walked back from a date a hollow appeared from behind them.

(Your Name) knew about the shinigami and how they killed hollows to bring peace to the city. Most of the time she ignored them though because people often called her crazy for seeing spirits ever since she was a kid. Never did she expect Kensei to be one of them.

Kensei didn't waste a second as he crushed the hollow in seconds. At that moment (Your Name) noticed that no one could see him.

Ever since that day she had doubts about their relationship. Often times she felt bad because it affected the way she would act towards Kensei. He didn't need that from her.

Kensei left early morning because Shinji needed all of them at base to help that orange hair teenager with his hollowfication.

Honestly he didn't even want to help but Kensei knew it would benefit for the war to come.

The war.

Kensei hated to admit it but he was feeling a bit uneasy for what was to come. He wanted a good fight though, it had been decades so he wouldn't be surprise if he was a bit rough on the edges.

Then his mind wandered off to (Your Name) he constantly thought what would happen if they helped the Soul Society, would they allow them to come back? What would happen to their relationship?

He knew in a realistic point of view that he would have to leave her. She deserved someone that would grow old and die with her.

After training with the orange hair kid he walked to (Your Name) work place at a elementary school. He could see her smiling and helping all the innocent children.

Children.

Something he would never get to experience with her as Kensei hands turns to fist. The world was cruel at the moment for him. If only she could be with him for as long as he lived for.

Spotting Kensei (Your Name) smile brightly and wave. After letting the last child home with the parents she rushed to give him a big hug. "I didn't think I'd see you today."

"I left without saying goodbye, of course I'd come back."

Packing her things they walk back together hand in hand. "How was your day then?"

Kensei wanted to say good but all he had were thoughts about the future. "Interesting." He replied shortly as she raises an eyebrow.

"How so?"

As much as Kensei wanted to keep her out of the war and fighting he eventually told her all about it.

"When the times come I will be going to fight. I don't know what will happen though."

There was silence between the two, Kensei knew there was tension about their relationship, but he tried to make her happy in every way so she wouldn't feel any doubts.

"I see, I'm not worried. I know you will come back." She smiles trying to bring some positivity.

It was a sleepless night for the two as they hungrily craved each other bodies. This night was different, the love making was more passionate and raw.

Kensei made it about her that night, pleasing each sensitive area till she was off edge and screaming his name.

He didn't know what came across him that night, but he felt like this was the last time they were going to be this close together.

"I love you." He whispered to her ear.

Those very words hurt to hear as she smiled to herself sadly.

"This is the first time you've ever said that to me." she says to him as he embarrassingly turned the other way.

"Shut up, I'm learning." He sheepishly says as a blush formed on his face.

There was a silence before she got curious and leaned onto her elbow for support. "Have you ever.... you know. Loved anyone before?"

Kensei shakes his head and looks up to the ceiling. "This is my first and it will be my last."

(Your Name) didn't know what that meant but she could tell he was speaking the truth.

"(Your Name) you know I will always do what's best for us and for you. Promise me one thing." He looks at her as she nods her head slowly for him to continue. "If I leave you won't be sad."

"What do you mean by that? Aren't you staying here?"

Kensei doesn't answer her question as he kisses her forehead. "Just expect the unexpected."

(Your Name) didn't know what happen but she felt like she was asleep for ages, when she woke up Kensei was on the bed in bandages. He was asleep so peacefully. A warm feeling began to bloom in her chest.

"He survived the war, that means he's staying." A smile spreading across her face as she kissed his soft lips. Kensei lightly stirred around as he pulled her closer to him out of habit.

"(Your Name)." He murmured in his sleep.

"Sleep, you look rough." (Your Name) whispers to him as she caresses his face.

"I can't if you're going to baby me like this." Kensei says with his eyes closed as he groans and sits up from bed. (Your Name) notices that he is bandaged on most parts of his body.

"Are you okay? How did everything go?"

He silently pulls her body to sit on his lap. She nervously swallows her saliva, usually when Kensei pulled her onto his lap, its usually bad news or when they were having sex.

"We won the war but with a heavy cost."

(Your Name) didn't know why but her heart was aching, she knew something bad was about to happen. Kensei wasn't smiling, he looked tired, stressed and a wreck.

"I'm going back." He announced to her, as easy as he said those words they were heavy to bare. Kensei knew it would hurt her, but it would save them from the heart break later on in the future.

"But I thought everything was good?" (Your Name) hesitantly says hugging herself out of the habit of feeling insecure.

"(Your Name) it not that, we have always been good it's just we live in totally different worlds. I don't want to watch you disappearing from my eyes every living day you have. I would stay the same and it would torture both of us... I have to take the position as captain again."

(Your Name) felt ashamed and selfish at the moment. She wanted to yell at him that he didn't love her, but she knew this day would come. Although she could see him as a spirit he'd be gone in a different place and as time passed by he would forget her.

"So what now? When do leave?"

"Tonight." The air had heavy tension.

She whined in pain, he was leaving so fast. Kensei pulled her in a tight embrace as he rubbed her back as she cried.

It wasn't the break up that hurt her, it was the thought that they were being separated and she wouldn't be able to see him for the rest of her life.

"If you leave tonight please do it when I'm asleep. I'm afraid I won't let you go if I'm awake."

Kensei could only chuckle, he felt bitter.

"I love you (Your Name)."

Laying on top of him she let the tears fall "I love you too."

The world was going the same pace but (Your Name) had a hard time adjusting, she wanted it to stop completely because she didn't feel whole anymore. Kensei left no trace of himself, which pained her. At least a t shirt would make her happy. She knew he probably left nothing to make things easier.

Her life began a new routine, going to work and coming home. She didn't have much friends, nothing helped her mind. All she thought about was Kensei. Wondering what they would be doing if he was here or what he would be cooking.

"Stop, you promised him not to be sad." (Your Name) says grabbing her head lightly as she took the sleeping pills she had prescribed to her.

Going to bed was the worse part of the day, her mind would wander off to unless thoughts. Many of them were unpleasant, so she relied on the pills to sleep. It helped so she wouldn't have to think.

Kensei didn't smile anymore, he was neither sad or angry. He understood that was how their life was. So many times he wanted to leave and go see her, so many times he had to stay up in bed lost in his thoughts. He didn't like the feeling of heart ache, he realized that's why people never fell in love in the first place. They don't want to be hurt.

It effected his work environment at first, his grumpiness and being easily irritated made the place have tension. Kensei was a grown man and once he felt that the 9th divison was not a good place to be at the moment he changed his ways for the better.

It wasn't till night time where he tortured himself, he stole all the pictures they took with each other from her house, he was no selfish man but just for these precious moments they had together he was.

Kensei would rather torture himself with their memories rather her because he wanted her to have a normal life in a normal relationship with a normal person.

He would often dream about her, it was a unless cycle. With special permission he left to the world of living to see her one last time to ease his mind.

Walking to her house he noticed the lights were off, knocking on the doors for a few times there was no answer. Getting irritated he was about to break the door open when the landlord appeared from behind him.

"May I help you sir?"

"Um yeah, I'm looking for (Your Name)."

"You didn't hear?"

"Hear about what?" Kensei asks his eyes lowering down in suspicion as the landlord sadly smiles.

"(Your Name) died 5 years ago in a car accident, a drunk driver hit her."

Kensei eyes widen, how long has he been gone? He felt like it was only a few months since he left. His world was crashing down on him. Leaving the place quickly he looked around Karakura town for her soul. She was nowhere to be found.

Kensei wanted to wreck something, he was angry, angry for not checking up on her and angry how someones life could easily be lost.

She had no grave, her ashes sent with her parents. He couldn't even see that. Kensei let his frustration out as he hit the wall causing it to break in pieces.

Realizing she wasn't here anymore he went back in loss. Her soul was somewhere out there.

Years passed by and if Kensei thought the first time he tortured himself was bad this time around it was worse. He overworked himself, slept constantly to bring the guilt away. He got irritated a lot and became more cut throat than he would like. Of course he felt bad for Shuhei and Mashiro but it didn't change that he fell into depression.

Never did he think he would fall into depression, it was different for him. Kensei stopped yelling at Mashiro at one point. Shinji and everyone was concerned for him, but he assured them that he would pass over it.

Kensei even searched the Ryugongai district in his free time to find her. The place was so huge he never had luck. "Where are you?"

(Your Name) woke up one day in a barren area, she was still the same as when she died. The memories and everything still in place when she was human. At first she didn't know where she was till it it her. She was dead.

A part of her was happy but at the same time she didn't know what to do. There came many times where she had to fend for her life. This place was definitely not the heaven that she imaged it to be.

Determined to find Kensei she joined the academy. (Your Name) worked hard endlessly night and day to train her body. She wanted to see him again but not as the weak human she used to be. So she decided she wouldn't see him till she was strong enough.

Poor Kensei tortured himself not knowing her intention and how she was right under his nose.

(Your Name) finally understood everything about the Soul Society, being a seated officer was nearly impossible, but it was the only way for her to be close to him. They were treated like celebrities so seeing Kensei was not going to be easy.

After years of endless training she was finally getting some recognition and was offered a seat as vice captain to the 13th squad under the command of Rukia Kuchiki.

They placed a small ceremony for the vice captains to welcome her, everyone was so accepting. Till she saw Mashiro the tears fell from her eyes as they embraced each other in a sisterly hug. "Kensei would be so happy to see you!" The green haired girl exclaimed.

"I know, you don't know how hard I worked to get here. It's been so many years. I thought you would have forgetten me too."

"Nonsense we have to go see Kensei!"

(Your Name) wanted to see him now, knowing how close she was to him. She grew impatient. A older man with scars on his face introduced himself. The similar 69 tattoo on his face as he wore a bright look in his eyes.

"You must be (Your Name), my captain has been looking for you." He warmly smiles knowing Kensei would be at peace now.

With the help of Mashiro and Shuhei they guided her to the barracks where Kensei back was facing her. She can hear him yelling at other seated officer about a mission that was not completed and how it was Mashiro fault for not taking the lead.

"MASHIRO! I TOLD YOU THEY NEEDED GUIDANCE! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANYTHING ABOUT BEING A SUPER LIUTE-"

Kensei turned around to see a familiar face he yearned to see everyday, all the yelling got his throat dry. No words came out.

Stepping forward (Your Name) ran into his arms as he shockingly looked down at her. "(Your Name)." Kensei breathlessly says.

"You don't know how much I've missed you Kensei." She sinks into his chest the happy tears falling down.

His squad stood in awe at the sight, they never seen their captain so vulnerable.

A wave of emotion came crashing over him as he tightly held her, a few tears fell from his eyes. Only visible to her as she wiped them away.

"Stupid, why didn't you come see me?!"

"Because I wanted to be strong when I saw you!" She argued back as Shuhei and Mashiro stood next to them happy to see their captain in a brighter mood.

The 9th division and the Soul Society knew about Kensei having a human lover in past, they also knew he fell into the dark for a long time. So seeing him smiling made them feel at ease.

"Tch, so your the newbie Kuchiki appointed as her Lieutenant."

(Your Name) proudly shows her badge on her arm. "That's right! And this time I'm not leaving."

Kensei chuckles with a bitter sweet feeling. A part of him wanted to be upset that she was dead but another part is relieved to be with her again.

"Yeah, I'm not leaving either." His toothy smile brought shivers down her spine. It was something she hadn't seen for a long time.

"Looks like we got a lot to catch up on (Your Name)."

A big grin on her face as she leaned her cheek on his hand.

"Yeah, we do."

(Author Note: Kensei is bae!)

#Bleach #bleach one shots #bleach oneshot #bleach imagines #bleach x reader #kensei #kensei muguruma #bleach kensei #mashiro kuna #Shuhei Hisagi #Tite Kubo #KUBO TITE #muguruma kensei

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hostclubtotallysaidthis · 4 years

Note

🌃🕯🥀 with Kyoya please I love your blog btw ❤️❤️

Memory Prompts | Heavy TW for suicide and suicidal thoughts!!

🕯- A sad memory they would rather forget

Kyoya stood, staring at the wooden door with wide eyes. He didn't know if he should go in, even though he wanted to. His mother was sick and needed rest, she'd lost a lot of blood and stopped breathing. Her brunette hair was messy and greasy, and dark bags lay beneath the eyes that were so much like his.

They were always compared, looks-wise. He was a tiny version of his mother, one of the reasons why she let him keep his hair at shoulder length. He was as pretty as a little girl, as pretty as her, and it made the two of them feel... closer. Even if he went weeks without seeing her, he could just look in the mirror and see the parts of her he was given.

She always seemed to need her rest, but he had to see her now. He came so close to... She almost died, and he wouldn't have said goodbye. He wouldn't be able to hug her, kiss her cheek, and listen to her sing. It felt almost selfish to think of it in those terms, but he loved her so much and he couldn't bear to think of the hole she'd leave in his heart.

Taking hold of his resolve, he pulled open the door and stepped inside the clinical, sterile room. He knew hospital rooms had to be clean, but the smell of antiseptic and iodine was pungent, and paired with something disgustingly stale. It didn't suit her. She loved flowers, and the best perfumes, and silk sheets and... and...

"Baby boy."

Her face and voice were both warm and cotton soft when he finally let his gaze lay on her, sitting up in that awfully uncomfortable bed, but he wasn't fooled into thinking she was alright. Bandages lay thickly around her forearms, and she definitely had stitches. Her eyes were puffy, raw and red, bloodshot from the tears she must have cried when she awoke. His father had explained to him, after all, in more detail than an eight-year-old should know.

She wanted to die and was disappointed she was saved. It hurt. A searing pain wrapped around his heart when he thought about it, that none of them could convince her to stay.

Fighting his own tears, he rushed forward and climbed onto the bed, trying to be careful of the various IVs and wires attached to her slim frame. She didn’t push him away, didn’t tell him that he shouldn’t, simply cradled the back of his head and wove her fingers between the soft, black strands, kisses carefully pressed into his hair.

“It’s okay, baby boy,” She cooed, so sure that she could convince him of that. But she couldn’t, because he knew. He knew since he first saw her bleeding out on the bathroom floor.

She wasn’t okay.

🌃- A time they got to admire the beauty of a city

The suite was painfully impressive, even to a sheltered young boy raised in a mansion his whole life. Several rooms decorated in such a lush and overtly gaudy fashion which honestly disgusted his own sensibilities; a room doesn't need to be gold-gilded to show it was luxurious. He was a much bigger fan of the usual minimalism - monochromatic and glass surfaces gleaming in warm lamplight.

Still, he supposed he'd keep his mouth shut, considering the most likely outrageous cost and the fact that his father was nice enough to bring his youngest with him, opposed to his older brothers. It should be treated as an honour, even if it was simply because the other three children were too busy with their studies.

"Not that he asked me," Fuyumi had grumbled, but didn't elaborate further. She just stuck her nose back in her biology textbook, as if she hadn't uttered a single syllable.

Despite his dislike of the décor, what drew his eye was the view.

Panoramic windows lined the room, the night scenery laying beyond, and Kyoya had never seen Tokyo that beautiful. There were no stars, thanks to the light pollution, but thousands of lights were dotted around the city. Even if loud, bright, obnoxious advertisements made themselves known without a hint of apology, it was somehow captivating. Perhaps it was his lack of familiarity with cityscapes - let alone one like this - due to the Ootori estate having acres of land, but it was so absolutely breath-taking.

All he seemed to be able to do was walk over to the window in a daze, taking in every detail that became clearer the closer he came. His fingertips brushed the cool glass, his breath fogging an almost perfect, white-hued circle; it made the city beyond look even more dreamlike.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" His father finally chimed in, depositing their suitcases by the sofa for the moment, "I hate the room, but this makes it all worth the tackiness of it all. Don't you agree?"

He nodded, not knowing quite what to say, and reached for the window latch, feeling the need for a little fresh air. However, it opened maybe an inch, and was stuck. He tried to force it, but his father merely took a breath.

"There's no point in trying, Kyoya," He stated, "They don't open any further. With wealth like this comes much stress and pressure, and there have been... incidents."

"Like with mum?" He replied without thinking, almost instant, and regretted it as soon as those poorly chosen words left his tongue. His father took a deep breath, and he could see his reflection in the glass, racking a hand through his hair.

“Kyoya, do you know why I took you out here?” He inquired, “I wanted you to… Get away from that for a little while. It’s not good for you.”

He didn’t argue with that. In fact, after their “conversation”, Kyoya didn’t say another word all evening, bombarded by thoughts one certainly shouldn’t utter aloud.

It’s certainly high enough. If I jumped from here, I doubt I’d ever get up again…

🥀- A memory about death and grief

Here he was, soon to disappear and leave behind... What?

Kyoya groaned, all but slamming the bottle of pills on the bathroom counter for what had to be the fifth time that hour, at least. His head couldn't shut up about killing himself, but of course he couldn't do it peacefully and with dignity. That'd be far too much to ask for Kyoya Ootori!

It certainly wasn't the first time his consideration to end it all took him to the bathroom, but it was the first time he held the sedatives in his hand, summoning the will to swallow them all. They weren't a painless death - far from - but it was convenient. Slitting wrists and throats had to have a certain precision his shaking hands wouldn't be able to muster, drowning tended to have a low success rate, as self-preservation kicks in. With pills, he could swallow them down, and then go take a nap.

While unpleasant to think about, if he aspirated his own vomit, it would at least be quick, as long as he wasn't found.

But no, all of those perfectly reasonable things weren't what were making him hesitant. He'd like to act like the weeping martyr, say how he didn't want to hurt his family, and turn away. Not to get help, of course, because if you truly were the golden-hearted sob story, then your issues would dissolve into thin air and you'd just be happy again.

No, he's hesitant for fully selfish reasons.

Legacy is such an important thing, and what has he accomplished in his thirteen years of yearning? Nothing of note. He doesn't have friends, he's a good student but thoroughly average for an Ootori, no extra curriculars or talents that would make others think "Oh, he's that kid!"

Will the servants set a place for him at the table, before removing the cutlery and continuing their day a little more melancholic? Will his brothers miss him? Will Fuyumi cry over him? Will his father soldier through with his usual stoicism, before finally breaking down in the privacy of his office?

He can't imagine that. He can't imagine any thoughts of him after he walks out of his life. Because why would they? He can't imagine anyone truly caring anymore. He was too sad, too lethargic, too cold. His pretty looks also seemed to slip through his fingers like the dry, brittle strands of hair that fell from his hair. Even the vainest, shallowest of reasons to notice someone had abandoned him. He wouldn't even mind it if he was purely ornamental to someone, not anymore.

He growled deep in his throat, bile creeping up, and his chest was far too tight. He didn't know what he wanted - leave and be unremarkable, or struggle on and suffer. He wanted to rest, to stop fighting for once. Leave the battlefield for new planes.

But no. He couldn't. Not until he could say that people would at least call his death a shame - and mean it. A star turning supernova before imploding.

Yeah, right; like that could ever happen.

#ouran high school host club #OHSHC #Kyoya Ootori #Yoshio Ootori #Kyoka Ootori #suicide tw

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aliceaddellheidde · 4 years

Text

PART 1

14.6.2019, Friday

Zdenka:

I was walking in Hyde Park with my new, purple headphones and I let myself be carried away with tones of drums in the song. I lifted my head up, so I don´t hit someone, and just then I saw how some girl in front of me was falling down. It has been only a few people around. I put the headphones down and I ran to her. She lay motionless on the grass and breathed shallowly. I pulled a bottle of water from my bag and gently spattered her face. But nothing has happened. I was scared that she would die so I rolled her over on her back and started with first aid.

„Please do not die. You have to breathe. Come on.“ I whispered and along the way I called an ambulance. After two beeps male voice said: „Hello, how can I help you?“ I gently touched the girl's pulse on her wrist. It was already much more regular. „I need an ambulance to Hyde Park to the restaurant Serpentine Bar & Kitchen. A young woman passed out here.“ There was a pause. „Doctor will come in a moment. Wait on the spot.“ I really waited only a few minutes when I heard a siren and an ambulance stopped few meters from me. Two young men jumped out of it with a stretcher and behind them went older guy, probably a doctor. „Hi, I'm Mark Krumhlovic, did you call 911?“ I nodded. He bent over a girl and checked her pulse and then two men gently moved her to a stretcher. „The pulse is weak, but she will be fine.“ „I gave her cpr.” „You probably saved her life.” Doctor smiled and turned to leave. „Wait! Can I go with you?” I asked. The doctor looked at me with shock. „I just want to make sure that she will be really fine.” „Okay, but quickly.” I jumped into the ambulance, which has rushed to the nearest hospital - Saint Mary, as I heard the driver said into walkie-talkie. A few minutes later we entered the hospital lobby and then into a large, double room with a small balcony in a neutral, light beige colour. I sat quietly on the other bed while a doctor wrote out the papers from the patient documentation. Along that he asked me on my name and also how the whole situation happened. When he was almost finished with the papers, the door opened and a nurse in blue uniform called him out. He left quickly.

The ringing phone sounded loud in the room. I looked at the display. It showed the name Chloe. I wondered whether to take it or not. Because it was not my phone. I finally picked it up. Girl voice said: „Gemma? Gemma! Hi, where are you? Why do you not come to the meeting?” I sighed. „Um, hi. Gemma is currently in the hospital of Saint Mary in room number 18. It's nothing serious, just ...” „Oh, and who are you? Can I talk to her?” „She is currently unconscious. You can come see her if you want.” „Sure. Thanks.” And she cancelled. I put cell phone on previous place and looked at the incomplete patient card. There was a name written on it: Gemma Styles. Styles. Gemma. I know that name from somewhere. I looked at her face. Sure! Sister of Harry Styles from One Direction! I am already lost in the names of my favourite singers and actors.

Phone rang again and I took it. „Gemma, darling, hello. Do you have time?” asked another girl. „Sorry. She is currently unable to speak. She´s in the hospital.” „In the hospital? What happened? Is she okay?” „Yeah.” „Where is she?” „Saint Mary. Room 18.” „Okay. We will come there.” I tapped on the red button to end a call.

„Who was that?” said a soft voice beside me. I looked at her. She stared at me with grey eyes and slightly small laugh. „I don´t know, I did not see the name.” Gemma slowly rose to a sitting position, leaning against the pillow. „And who are you?” „Zdenka. I came here with you.” „How do I ...?” She didn’t finish when the door opened and there was three girls in the company of some guy.

„Gemma!” screamed one of them and ran to the bed. „Ouch, Chloe, it hurts.” Gemma hissed. „Sorry.” Chloe smiled, moving away from the bed and looked at me. „Who is this?" she asked. „Sdenka.” Gemma replied and she mispronounced my Slovak name. „Nice to meet you.” Chloe shook my hand. „Nice to meet you too. We called together.” „Nice to meet an unknown person on the other side of the phone.” she smiled. „There are Crystal, Aimee and Chris.” I nodded head in greeting and got off of bed. „I'll go now. Don´t wanna disturb you.” I was walking around Chris, when I was stopped by Gemma´s voice. „Sdenka Wait here, please.” I looked at her friends, whom has watched at me with weird look. I frowned a little and sat down on one of the two armchairs opposite the beds.

After about half an hour, everyone left. I lifted my eyes from the phone. Gemma smiled at me. „I would like to know how I got here.” „That's the simple. You are here because of exhaustion and lack of energy.” answered doctor instead of me as he came to the room.

„Now I would advise you to rest up and sleep up. I will give you medication to sleep.” He put a small pill on the table and picked up the patient documentation and started to finishing it. „Actually, you fainted in Hyde Park. I called an ambulance.” „Thank you.” „You're welcome.” She took the pill. „I should go now. You need to relax.” „Hey. I should sle ....” She closed her eyes and fell asleep peacefully.

„You have a nice name, Zdenka. A bit unusual for a British citizen. Someone from the family was from the Czech Republic or Slovakia?” asked the doctor, checking monitor showing Gemma's condition. „I am from Slovakia. I came here to work a few years ago.” „That's amazing! It's great to meet someone from the homeland.” his English was changed to Slovak. „I thought your name is Polish.” I told the truth in the same language. „Yes, it may sound so.” He hands me his hand and I accepted it. „I'm Mark Krumhlovič from Prešov.” „Zdenka Vargová (Varga), Humenné.” His broad smile was even wider. „God. Slovak and from east!” I blushed.

„Can I invite you for coffee? My break just started.” „Sure, why not.” I agreed. Free coffee, I could not resist. „Could you call me Mark? It's better than calling me Doctor.” „I have no problem with that Mark.” We went out of the room and we headed through the reception into a small canteen. We had a great talk and we exchanged phone numbers, but then Mark finds out that his next shift began forty minutes ago, he quickly said goodbye and ran away. I was about to leave the hospital too. Almost at the exit I wanted to turn on music, but I found out that I forgot my headphones in Gemma´s room. I quickly ran up the stairs and I slowly walked inside. Gemma was still asleep. I quietly passed along her bed and took the headphones. She moved a little. I was going to leave when a few people came to the room. Woman with a man in their fifties and behind them were four boys.

**********************************************************************

A/N: Sorry for mistakes. I hope You liked it :)

#future #story #of #my #life #one direction #niall james horan #harry styles #louis tomlinson #liam payne

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felltheheavens · 4 years

Text

Waiting Room

‘Are you family?’

‘No.’

That was it, that was all they needed to know to relegate me to the waiting room and its cold plastic comforts for the next few hours. Never mind her family was too busy, too addicted, too abusive to turn up. Never mind that I loved her.

I wrung my hands, again. I clicked my knuckles and stretched my fingers and checked my phone – not that there’s much to do on it at gone 3 o’clock in the morning. What a time to drag me to hospital, huh.

The coffee shop was shut, unsurprisingly, so I got myself a glass of water instead. I savoured it, trying to help the time pass, stopping and swallowing between every sip. I picked the polish off my nails. I paced until the tiredness kicked in. I asked if I could see her every chance I could, but she was in no state to be seen. My heart ached every time I pictured her hooked up to an IV, semi-conscious and alone, so I tried not to think about it.

I wrung my hands again, and I got some more water.

I used the sterile, impersonal hospital bathroom. I checked my phone, more out of habit than anything else. Even the other people that might have cared had gone to sleep.

4.07 a.m.

It takes a certain dedication to know how much over-the-counter cold medication will stop your heart. Trust me, I’ve done the research, and it’s not easy. But for a 49kg girl with 4 pharmacies in walking distance, it was doable. Too doable.

I closed my eyes and could hear my blood moving. It sounded like the ocean, like waves crashing into cliffs with lethal force. It sounded like one step wrong and your life is over. It sounded like a reminder that mine wasn’t; not yet, and I didn’t want to know whose life it would remind me of next, so I opened my eyes. The harsh fluorescent lights cast stiff, sharp shadows on the linoleum, and I wondered if I would see pictures in them if I was less tired.

‘Shit time to be waiting in a hospital, huh.’

I hadn’t noticed the man in the corner. From a glance he looked like the type you don’t want to start a conversation with, tall and dark with fingerless gloves and mildly slurred words, slumped into a chair. His hands were jittery, his jacket worn and stained, his slight beard an unkempt mess. But it was gone 4 a.m., so who gives a fuck?

‘Yeah, it is.’

He chuckled, and I looked at him properly. His eyes were so dark I couldn’t see his irises – or maybe he was so high his pupils had engulfed them.

‘You should go home.’

I shook my head. ‘Can’t, need to know whether my friend is okay.’

‘And you don’t think that answer will be there after a few hours’ sleep?’

He made such a good point I didn’t know how to respond.

‘Why are you here?’

‘Don’t have anywhere else to be.’ He shrugged. I didn’t want to pry, so I didn’t. ‘You know how many people die per day?’

I was a little taken aback, but I decided to answer anyway. ‘Um…a lot?’

He smirked slightly and fiddled with the fingers of his gloves, and I got the feeling he was far better acquainted with death than I would ever be.

‘One hundred and fifty thousand a day, on average.’ He took his time tasting each word, enunciating so clearly I suddenly got the impression that he was stone cold sober. ‘One’s probably gone since I started this sentence.’

I didn’t know what to say to that.

I believe in a God, I think, I believe in Life and Death and their eternal balancing act. I know that things are meaningless if they do not end, and life shouldn’t be meaningless. I know that life comes and goes, babies are born and old people die, and this is immutable. I know that no one and nothing is immortal. I know all this, and I know it doesn’t mean a damn thing when someone you love dies, because it still always feels like you are drowning and there is no lifeline.

‘Their poor family.’

‘Maybe their family is happy. Maybe they were a cunt. Or maybe it ended a good person’s suffering, maybe it was a relief, who knows?’

I didn’t respond, but I thought about how there are people that this world would be better off without, and I thought about how my grandmother was treated like an animal at the end, fed through tubes and wearing a nappy, and I thought he might have a point.

‘Sorry I’m not more talkative, but it is gone 4 a.m. and I’ve got my own shit going on. Nothing personal.’ I didn’t know if I was sorry, really, but it seemed the polite thing to say. The silence stretched for a few moments, long enough that I thought I he might have passed out, and I almost found myself disappointed by that idea. Then his head jerked up and his eyes met mine.

‘Do you think she’ll survive?’

I thought about it. I thought about her tiny, frail body and the number of pills she swallowed and how the first time she tried to kill herself she was 9. I think about her crazy fast metabolism and how quickly they got an ambulance and her resilience and how I cannot lose her, not tonight, not like this. I think about everything I know about her and overdosing and life and death, and I say what I have been scared to realise all evening.

‘Yeah, I think so.’ It seemed too good to be true, so I tried to justify it. ‘They would have told me if she’d gone, right? And she’s been here for hours and no one’s come to tell me anything, so she must be heading towards stable, right? Yeah, I think she’ll survive.’ I said ‘think’ but I meant ‘hope and pray’.

‘She will.’

I stared at him, because he didn’t know that. If he had been a sleep-deprived nurse, or a well-intentioned mother, I would have scoffed. But I wanted to believe him, and maybe want was all I needed that night, because I did. I mumbled something vaguely affirmative, but he seemed to hear me. I wanted to believe I wouldn’t lose her because I didn’t know if I believed I would survive if I did. I didn’t know if I could surface after another set of breaking waves, not after my grandparents, and my brother’s best friend, and my godmum’s parents, my grandad’s best friend, my second cousin in America, and that girl from my school with the brain tumour and-

‘She will,’ he repeated.

I had no reason to believe him. He was some stranger who struck up conversation in public; that alone is enough to have made me wary of him and anything he told me. His eyes were flicking around so quickly, his movements so unnatural and jerky, his entire demeanour so unsettling, I really thought he was probably high. But I was tired. I was sleep-deprived, sure, but I didn’t mean that kind of tired; I was tired of my friends hurting and I was tired of this shitty world and I think I might just have been tired enough to trust a stranger for no reason at all.

‘I hope so.’

‘It’s not her time. You both have a lot of life left to live.’

It was a strange reassurance coming from a stranger, but I accepted it. I was glad he thought I looked young. I was, I was barely in my twenties, but I felt world-weary and I had found another grey hair that morning.

I didn’t mean to let myself hope, but before I knew it I was imagining me and her in 10 years or so, I was imagining coming back here to visit her in the maternity ward instead of Accident and Emergency, and I wondered what this man would say to me if he met me then. I liked the idea that we had life left to live. I wanted us to go on to something amazing, something good at least, to keep going and get better and just fucking live. But she always seemed like she was just biding her time before she tried to kill herself again, and I hated the idea that she was waiting for death, and I knew that I couldn’t keep waiting with her.

Suddenly, as if he’d heard his name called, the stranger stood up, his head slightly cocked. I realised then that he must have been over 6 foot. He seemed skinny; his face was gaunt and his knuckles prominent, but he was in baggy trousers and oversized coat so it was hard to tell.

‘You take care now.’ He tipped his head towards me, as if acknowledging some connection between us, and he sauntered off into the bowels of the hospital, walking just wonky enough to seem high again.

I felt relieved; and I wasn’t sure if it was because I had met him, or because he had left. I brushed it off, and I drank some more water, and I checked my phone. I curled my legs beneath me on the hard plastic. At some point, in the bright white room, on that uncomfortable chair, my eyelids drooped. I remembered the stranger’s words, telling me to go home, to get some sleep, and then I don’t remember anything.

When I woke up, I was at home, and the sky was a few shades paler than dawn. I guess I must have gotten a taxi, or a bus, must have opened my door in a half-awake daze, and fallen into bed. I’d managed to strip off and tie up my hair, so that was good. I checked my phone.

She was okay.

She was okay, she was incredibly bored and quite tired, and I had 4 other people asking me about her, but she was okay, and that was enough to make me smile. It was strange, I didn’t feel that relieved. Is it relief if you know it’s coming?

I rolled over, pulled the blankets around me and committed myself to a few more hours in bed. I wasn’t quite awake, I was in that middle ground, that state between dreaming and consciousness where nothing is real and everything is possible. I slept, then, fitfully and in bursts. I dreamt of a hooded dark figure stalking the corridors of a hospital, scythe in hand, I dreamt of waking up next to a heart monitor when you weren’t sure you would wake up at all, I dreamt of Life and Death chasing each other through my old school playground, running in circles. I dreamt of the stranger, standing over me in sixty years, speaking oh so clearly as he took my hand and lead my soul from my body, and the overwhelming calm I felt as I left it behind.

I dreamt, and then I fell into oblivion, and I slept so peacefully I could have been mistaken for a corpse. I would wake, a few hours later, to a bright day full of sunshine and opportunity. To a world where no one I loved was in danger, where meetings with strangers were just anecdotes, where 4.07 a.m. a time I was never meant to see. I would wake to a world where things were slightly better than they had been the night before.

But for now, I slept, and I dreamt, and I was at peace.

#writing #writing blog #writing on tumblr #fiction #mental health #death #grief #suicide #suicide attempt #writer #writers #writers on tumblr

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pretend-writer · 5 years

Text

Down Below (Chapter 42)

Summary: Y/N Reyes lands on Earth with the rest of the 99 prisoners. Being one of the first people to come back “home” after 97 years of living in space, she learns what it’s like to finally live in this planet.

Pairing: Bellamy Blake x reader, Raven Reyes x sister! reader

Word Count: 1714 words

Warning: mention of sex, swearing

✤ · ✤ · ✤ · ✤ · ✤

Bellamy sat on my bed as I closed the door to my room. I figured that it’d be better if we came to a quiet space for us to talk.

‘How was Farm Station?’ Maybe taking the conversation slow and easing up to the topic later would’ve been more effective, I thought.

'Luckily I had the seal to prove to Ice Nation that we were the 13th clan. They let us through but they took the people from Farm Station hostage and used them as slaves.’

'That’s horrible. What happened to them afterwards?’

Bellamy looked down with disappointment, 'We brought them back safely but the hydro generator is gone. That was the only way to take them out.’

'Good, good. You got our people back that’s great. Why do you sound so upset?’

'That was our only source of water once the radiation comes and now I feel like a bad guy I just-’ He paused and clenched his fist. 'I don’t know what I’m doing.’

I sat next to him on the bed, 'You’re not a bad guy. You were jus-’

'Its not just that.’ Bellamy looked at me, 'I was angry about Jasper too. I was jealous about you guys’ relationship and I had no right to be.’

My eyebrows raised, surprised to hear Bellamy’s reason to being upset this whole time. 'It’s okay. Those feelings doesn’t make you a bad guy either.’

'It makes me feel like I am. It’s not fair especially after the whole… Raven thing. You never brought it up with me and I just thought it’d be wrong to bring Jasper up too.’

'Bellamy, I would never be angry with you for talking about how you feel. The whole Raven situation does sometimes cross my mind but I trust you now. It’s different.’ Placing my hand on his lap, I tried to comfort him. 'Do you trust me?’

He smiled with his sincere eyes, 'Of course I do but it’s not that.’

'So what is it?’

Quickly shifting his eye contact with me, he stared down on the floor. 'I was jealous because of the things you did with him that we haven’t done… if you know what I mean.’

'Oh.’ I mumbled as he mentioned the sexual relationship I had with Jasper. I never thought about the situation I was with him and I felt bad that Bellamy had to hide his feelings for it this whole time.

'Yeah..’ Bellamy said, smiling nervously as he was embarrassed of the situation. 'I was never bothered by it honestly until you started to mention Jasper again and I couldn’t help but think…’

'It’s okay, I understand.’ I scooted closer to him for reassure him. 'I’m sorry I never noticed.’

He quickly sat up and stared at the ground. 'It’s not your fault. I’m sorry I was being a dick to you.’

I reached for his hand and gripped it tightly, trying to get his attention. As he finally made eye contact with me, I leaned in to kiss him.

Bellamy grabbed my cheeks and slowly kisses back as I lightly push him to lay him on the bed.

He pulled away from the kiss, 'No, we can’t do this.’

Embarrassed, I sat up and scratched my head. 'Oh, I thought this is what you wanted. I-I’m sorry.’

'No, don’t be.’ Bellamy got up and held my hand. 'Y/N, I just want it to be special. Not do it because I said what I said.’

I nodded and lightly smiled, happy that Bellamy wanted to share a special moment with me. 'Okay.’

He gave me a peck on my forehead, 'Thank you for understanding me and being here for me.’

'Of course I’ll be here for you. I’m glad you were honest with me.’

✤ · ✤ · ✤ · ✤ · ✤

Tossing and turning on the bed, I slowly wake up to Bellamy’s light snore. I smile to myself, watching him sleep peacefully while playing with his soft, fluffy hair.

'You’re up early.’ Bellamy mumbled with his eyes still closed.

'Uhm, yeah. Just had a lot on my mind.’

'Like what?’

Clarke finally gave the speech to the rest of our people about radiation; Except she didn’t tell them the whole truth. She left out the part that not everyone can fit into Alpha Station or the fact that we still don’t have source of water and food.

'We don’t have a solution when Praimfaya comes.’

Bellamy turned towards me and looked me in my eyes, 'Actually, we kind of do.’

'What is it?’

'She’s making a list for a hundred people who can stay on the ship.’ Bellamy noticed my facial expression change, 'Don’t worry. You’re going to be on the list, Reyes.’

'That’s not the point.’ I wasn’t upset about the fact that I may or may not die from the radiation. 'Clarke doesn’t have the right to choose everyone’s fate.’

He nodded, acknowledging what I was saying. 'I get that but-’

'But what? People should have a choice to live or to die. Do you really agree with Clarke about keeping this from everyone?’

Bellamy sighed, lost for words. 'I-I don’t know.’

'Don’t know why I asked.’ I got up and grabbed my pants. 'You guys kept the whole list idea from me.’

'Hey, hey.’ He got up with me, grabbed my arm to calm me down. 'I don’t want to fight anymore.’

'We’re not fighting. I’m just disappointed.’

He pulled me in for a hug, 'We’ll find a way through Praimfaya. You said it yourself, we always find a way.’

The door bursted open, revealing Raven with panic all over her face. 'Bellamy, have you see-. Oh.’

Watching Raven smirk at us while we pull away, I scratched my head. 'You were looking for me?’

'Yeah. Both of you, actually.’ She grinned, 'We’re having a meeting so I was gonna say come in five minutes but seems like you guys need more time.’

Raven’s sarcastic remark got my eyes widened, 'Dude, he’s right here you know.’

Bellamy chuckled, 'We’ll be there in five.’

✤ · ✤ · ✤ · ✤ · ✤

'Luna came by with others and she was sick.’ Raven explained that they’ve already been suffering from Radiation disease, which could of possibly came from the fish they ate. 'Abby’s taking care of them right now.’

'Abby’s back?’ I questioned as I thought about Marcus and Octavia.

Raven nodded for response then started typing on her computer. 'The radiation is already here so I did some calculations again. Praimfaya isn’t coming in six months, it’s actually two months. You need to make that list.’

Clarke looked over at me with a surprised face. Bellamy sighed, 'I already told her.’

'If you’re scared of people’s reactions, why are you leading us anyway?’ I laughed lightly out of frustration, 'You’re lucky I’m not crazy but if someone else finds this list, you’re in big trouble.’

She stayed silent, 'You have nothing to say now?’

Raven grabbed my hand and squeezed it, 'Y/N, calm down, it’s okay. We have a bigger problem anyways.’

'She’s right. Jaha apparently found a bunker that was used during Praimfaya years ago.’ Bellamy said while rubbing my back.

'You’re going to believe Jaha after he tried to get us all killed with the damn chip?’ Raven argued.

'We don’t have a choice right now but to believe him. It doesn’t hurt to go and see the possibility of our survival.’ Clarke said.

Bellamy tapped on my shoulder, 'Reyes and I can go check it out.’

'Actually, I’m thinking of staying.’

'Uhm, okay. Clarke, let’s go then.’ Bellamy kissed my cheek before he left the room.

The door shut behind Clarke and Bellamy, then Raven spoke up. 'I’m so done with all of this.’

'You have to be patient, Raven. I know we don’t have the time but-’

'But what, Y/N? You’re still trying to defend her after she knowingly kept the list a secret from you?’

Raven was right but no matter how much we argued with Clarke, there was no way she would do things our way. I didn’t have a choice but to trust that Clarke was going to help us.

'We don’t have a choice but to do what she says.’ I shook my head and lightly smiled at my sister. 'Let me know if you need anything, I’m going to see Abby.’

She nodded and smiled back and went back on her computer to continue her work.

✤ · ✤ · ✤ · ✤ · ✤

'Y/N! Just the person I wanted to see. I can use a little help in here.’ Abby took a pill from the medicine shelf as she greeted me.

'Yeah, of course but you sure you want my help with this?’ I would love to help but I knew that I wasn’t technically qualified in the medical field.

Abby placed her hand on my shoulder, 'You’ve always been a huge help for me in the past few months. Don’t think you’re useless around here.’

'Thanks.’ I followed her back out to the room, filled with sick Flokru people.

I walked towards a familiar face and waved my hand, 'Hey, Luna. I hope you’re feeling better.’

'Actually I am.’ She said as she slowly sat up on the bed.

'It’s probably the nightblood. Everyone else isn’t doing too good but Luna… she’s healing.’ Abby stood next to me.

Before stopping A.L.I.E at Polis, Monty mentioned at Becca made nightblood and distributed it to people for an experiment. Perhaps we can use that method to possibly survive the radiation that’s coming in two months.

Abby looked at the expression on my face, 'I know. This can probably be the cure we’ve been waiting for.’

'Yeah…’ I mumbled to myself and looked over at Luna. 'Uhm, I just wanted to apologize for when we intruded the boat. I didn’t mean any of that to happen. We didn’t even know that one of us was chipped.’

As she lightly coughed, she shook her head. 'Don’t apologize. I understand that you were doing whatever it took to try to save your people.’

'The way we handled it was not right though. I’m very sorry for that.’

She chuckled lightly, 'You must think we deserve this… this illness.’

'No.’ Even to our worst enemy, I would never wish this deadly illness to anybody. 'Nobody deserves to suffer. Not like this.’

#bellamy blake x reader #bellamy blake fic #the 100 fic #bellamy blake imagine #raven reyes x sister! reader #bellamy blake x y/n #bellamy x reader

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chuffyfan87 · 4 years

Text

Hiding. Part 80f

"A while." She replied softly.

He moved and quickly went to the table and the packet he threw.

"Have you taken any?" She asked, her voice barely loud enough to carry across the room.

“Any of what?”

"The pills you're trying to hide from me."

“Not yet.” He muttered.

"But you were going to? Is life with me really that awful?"

“Needed something to take the edge off.” The blood on his sleeve, seemed to be growing.

Duffy sighed as she stood up, walking over to wrap her arms around him.

He hissed in pain when his arm came into contact with hers.

She felt the dampness against her arm. She twisted and snatched hold of his arm. "What happened?"

He swallowed, “Nothing. Fell over.” He mumbled.

"Oh Charlie!" She moved to turn the main light on. "Let me take a look." She insisted.

“If you must.” He sighed and rolled up his sleeve. There was quite a large wound just above his wrist that was still bleeding.

She ran her fingers gently across the cut. Her trained eye told her that it didn't look like something caused by a fall.

He closed his eyes as she ran her fingertips against the cut. It hurt.

She quickly popped into the kitchen to fetch a clean, damp tea towel which she placed against the wound. "How did you really do this?" She whispered.

“Does it matter?” He whispered back.

"It does if you want me to help you properly."

He laughed gently, “I did it to myself.”

"That's not funny Charlie."

“I hurt myself because,” He shrugged, “Why not? I wanted to. I needed to.”

"How much have you had to drink tonight?"

“Not enough. I can still feel it.”

"We need to find a way to stop causing each other pain." She sighed sadly.

He shrugged, “And if we can’t? Then what? We divorce? Because I’d rather die than divorce you.”

"Please don't say things like that." She begged as she gently tended to his arm.

He moved his arm away, “It’s fine.”

"No its not. Just let me fix it up!"

“Fine. Whatever.” He exhaled and sat down on the sofa.

Once she'd wiped up the blood she took a closer look at the damage, the tip of her tongue peaking out of her mouth.

He watched her.

"Ball your fist for me." She instructed.

He did as she instructed.

"OK, I don't think you've damaged any tendons but it should probably be stitched."

“Ok.”

"I can try to do it here if you really want me to..."

He nodded.

"We don't have anything to numb the area." She reminded him.

“It’s fine. I’ll be alright.”

She got the necessary equipment and nervously started to close the wound.

It didn’t hurt him as much as it should have. He was feeling pretty numb right now.

Once finished she turned his arm for Charlie to look. "Is it OK?" She asked, feeling like a student nurse again.

“Perfect as always.” He met her gaze.

Placing the needle back down on the coffee table she softly lent her forehead against his, not breaking eye contact.

He bit his lower lip as he moved his gaze to her lips and back to her eyes.

Her right hand moved slowly from her lap to stroke his cheek.

“I tried cheating on you once.” He said.

She pulled back slightly. "When?"

“Just after Emily was born.” He sighed, “But I realised what I had to lose and knew it wasn’t worth it. I still stand by those views.”

"When I was pregnant with the twins?"

He nodded.

"Who was she?"

“Just some girl in the pub.”

Duffy wasn't sure why it came as a relief that it wasn't someone she knew. "How far did things go?"

“Nothing happened.” He reassured her, “I thought about it but what was the point?”

"What made you consider it?" She asked, more out of curiosity than anger at his confession.

He shrugged, “I was worried about you and the twins. Needed and wanted a distraction...”

"What was she like?"

“I can’t remember.”

"She can't have been much to write home about then."

“She wasn’t.” He paused, “Can we go to bed?”

"I'd like that. I've missed your cuddles."

“Me too.” He pulled away from Duffy and stood up. He began to tidy everything away, putting the tablets in the top cupboard so the children wouldn’t reach.

She slipped upstairs to check on Peter.

Peter was asleep.

She sighed and continued upstairs to her own room. She stood watching Paul sleep peacefully in his moses basket at the foot of their bed.

Charlie came upstairs and crept into the room. Usually he would put his arms around her waist but tonight, he didn’t. He just moved to his side of the bed and began to get changed.

Duffy frowned at the distance he put between them. She kissed her fingers, reached forwards and gently placed them against Paul's cheek.

He got into bed and watched her. “Give him a kiss from me.”

She repeated the motion on Paul's other cheek before changing into her nightclothes, checking her stitches as she did so. Taking the glass from the bedside table she ensured she had all her medications to hand.

He continued to watch her. He wanted to touch her but her earlier words kept replaying over in his head.

"At this rate I'll rattle more than that ball Oli likes to chase!" She joked, trying to lighten the atmosphere.

He laughed gently, “Quite possibly.”

"I swear I wasn't on as many pills the previous times."

“It won’t be for long, hopefully.”

"Here's hoping." She smiled as she took the last pill. "Just promise me you won't let them put me on those disgusting nutrient drinks again."

“I promise.”

"They make me gag just thinking about them! She grimaced.

“They don’t smell great. God knows how they tasted.”

"Worse than the time that drunk vomited in my face!"

“Makes me feel sick just thinking about it.”

"The nutrient drinks or the vomiting drunk I got in the firing line of?" She giggled.

“Both.” As she got into bed, Charlie still left a gap between them for a few minutes.

"I honestly thought you were going to wet your pants laughing at me when that happened." She sulked playfully, attempting to ignore the continued distance Charlie was putting between them.

He moved slightly closer to her, his fingertips stroking her hip.

"The number of times you've found humour in my misfortune with patients... It's not very nice!" She pouted lightly.

“Sorry.” He replied, turning on his side to look at her.

"I think you do it on purpose. Some kind of weird game to see how many different bodily fluids you can get me covered in during a shift!" She teased.

“Busted.” He said quietly, looking at her lips once again.

"You wait til I get back to work, you'll be laughing on the other side of your face!" She threatened with a giggle.

He kissed her before he suddenly pulled away, “Sorry. Shouldn’t have done that.”

"Why not? Last time I checked its perfectly legal to kiss your wife when you're in bed together."

He sighed but didn’t say anything. He moved his hand from her waist.

Duffy stared up at the ceiling for several minutes trying to work out how to bridge the gap between them.

As did Charlie. “This is ridiculous.” He muttered. He moved over the top of Duffy and kissed her.

She wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him closer til she let out a hiss of pain. "Fuck. Stitches."

“Are you okay?” He asked. He shifted off her so he wasn’t pressing against her stitches.

"Yeh, just got a bit too enthusiastic." She blushed.

He smiled seeing her blush and kissed her again more passionately.

She let out a low moan against his lips, frustration growing as she wanted more but knew they couldn't.

His tongue ran against her lower lip.

She opened her mouth to him, no use them both being frustrated afterall.

He began to suck on her tongue, making out with her.

She could feel his body quickly beginning to react.

He pulled away before he got too excited.

"I can help you out with that. No use us both being frustrated."

“It’s fine, I’m not really in the mood.”

"You sure?" She asked, her hand slowly sliding down his stomach.

“Yes.”

"Oh, OK." Duffy frowned, moving her hand away awkwardly.

He sighed sadly. “Can we sleep?”

"We probably should. Paul will be up again before long."

He kissed her head, “Love you.”

"I love you too." She wriggled in an attempt to get comfortable. "Will you hold me?" She whispered.

“Yeah.” He wrapped his arms around her and held her.

The agitation she'd felt since coming home seemed to instantly evaporate as she melted into his arms and drifted off to sleep.

Charlie couldn’t sleep for a while but, eventually, he gave in.

#chuffy #charlie fairhead #charlie and duffy #lisa duffin

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dragonroyaly · 5 years

Note

Alright, I'll bite. Tell me about your new MID AU.

WHY THANK YOU FOR ASKING ANON!

Quick heads up though: Death warning. I don’t usually make only fluffy AUs and this is not one of them. Proceed with caution.

Okay so like there’s a bunch of shit going on in this AU and I’m not exactly sure where the best point to start is so let’s start with Pierce.

I like the idea that the Daemos have little elements, so I decided to take a swing at that too. And I swung and Pierce ended up being like a grim reaper sort of dude, becuase who better for that role than the gentle giant.

He can see ghosts like they were actual people, and he can kinda sense when who he’s seeing is dead or not, but with the magic crisis and all the ‘Sense Death’ ability is dulling as the magic drains.

He tries to help ghosts move on to the afterlife the best he can while still doing his job, he really does care about this as the Grim type of Daemos are super rare and usually ghosts can’t really move on without help, but also being Asch’s guard or whatever he does interferes with that a great deal

So, cannon shit happens, y’all know the drill, and in comes Rileigh.

Rileigh is an OC, Ava’s twin brother, and very dead.

And in comes Ava’s part of the story. I keep giving characters tragic backstories becuase I’m That Bitch, I guess, and Ava’s Tragic Backstory is the kinda cliche ‘Dad was just Gone, mom never talked about him, mom was also highly abusive’ shit, y’all know the drill.

Cut to a couple years later, their mom either dies from like alcohol poisoning or she gets caught or something, I actually haven’t thought that part through, she just can’t take care of them anymore one way or another.

So, Andrew and Devon adopt them, both are really Really nervous because as previously mentioned their mom Was Not Nice and they hoped there was such thing as good parenting but also they were like eleven at the time and hadn’t been shown kindness by like Anyone before.

And Andrew and Devon were really great dads! They loved Ava and Rileigh so much! They knew their mom hadn’t been the best and they’d be wary of them one way or another but like the underestimated how bad that’d be.

A thing about their mom, she was usually all-around bad but sometimes thing got real good for a couple days, maybe a couple weeks, she would spoil Ava and Rileigh and be really nice but then things got really really REALLY bad and Ava and Rileigh decided next time that happens they’re just gonna end it.

So, using their not-too-smart and very traumatized eleven-year-old brains, they decided that Andrew and Devon would eventually turn out like their mom did and tried to kill themselves by overdosing on some pills they found.

And Rileigh did. But Ava didn’t. So Rileigh just decides he wants to see Ava safe and followed her around as a ghost, he’d move on when Ava died and he’d be with her in the afterlife.

Fast forward to cannon events, Rileigh’s still following Ava around, Pierce can still see ghosts, and eventually figured out Rileigh was a ghost.

So, Pierce does what he does, tries to see what Rileigh wants so he can peacefully move on. Rileigh isn’t having any of that, and Pierce can’t even meet his requests becuase he’s just like “I’ll move on when Ava moves on.” “But Ava’s still alive. I’m not going to kill her.” “Exactly.”.

Rileigh is happy that someone can see him, and Pierce doesn’t really have anything better to do, so sometimes they’ll just stay up and chat. Usually in the livingroom in the middle of the night when everyone else is asleep.

Anywho back to Ava for a bit.

I have trouble seeing a world with magic where people aren’t able to sense if others have magic or not, even if it’s more dulled than others are, so the Daemos would be able to tell Ava’s completely bullshitting it after a while.

So, I do the logical thing and I give Ava magic. Extremely powerful magic. And the Daemos know. Ava does not. She used to think she might have superpowers because in moments where she wasn’t completely there, like her being sick, or just waking up, or extremely zoned out, she swore she could levitate things or fly or freeze things, set them on fire, grow plants faster, stuff like that, but eventually chalked it up to her having an overactive imagination.

So, another thing, Ava has a lot of magic, easily enough to fuel Daemos for another century at least, but it’s all kinda just trapped inside her body and whatever the Daemos are sensing is a very dulled version of her true power. If Ava gets a scratch or something, more magic would come out.

So, one day they’re all just kinda la-dee-da-ing around the apartment, the boys are hanging out in the livingroom, Ava’s in the kitchen making soup or something, chopping carrots, and she accidentally nicks her finger becuase she has the hand-eye cordiation of a blind goose.

Cue all of the boys kinda just freezing in shock because it doesn’t matter if you have hyper magic sensing (Rhys) or dull magic sensing (Noi), that’s more magic than they’ve felt in their lives.

All from a tiny scratch. And Ava’s just like ‘Ow yikes gotta go get a mcfricken band-aid’ and all the boys are just. Staring. Becuase they knew she was powerful but not to this degree.

Rileigh, still very ghostly, is kinda there, witnessing their shock like ‘??? What’s going on? Yo Pierce you wanna explain this shit? Is it the smell of blood, are y’all like vampires or something??’

Needless to say the Daemos are very careful around Ava from then on becuase she could probably blink at them and kill them instantly. Though she didn’t know that.

Rileigh learns what happens, laughs, continues to have a mini existential crisis becuase holy shit would he have had that much magic??

Fast forwards a couple months. The Boys have now been gone on Daemos for like two years and no one can get to them becuase there’s no longer enough magic left to open a portal to Earth. I am estimating on the time here go easy on me.

Pierce has gotten himself into a bit of a sticky situation. He has. The biggest fucking crush on Rileigh. Cue a couple internal crisises or whatever the plural of that word is, asking Ava what love felt like because all of the boys are stupid with emotions and Pierce is no different, Ava very loudly responding “BABY DON’T HURT ME” as a knee-jerk reaction to Pierce asking ‘What is love’ and a very quick run-down on memes.

This is also where my now commonly used line “I mean you do you but I have questions” comes from. “So how would y’all react if I said I had a crush on Ava’s dead brother” Pierce says. “I mean you do you but I have questions.” Asch says.

Ava is also aware she has magic now, and very strong magic at that. Still can’t use it for shit. Has made books go flying straight out the window when she tried to lift them with her telekinesis or whatever.

Fast forwards another little bit, Rileigh also has a crush on Pierce, tells him becuase he’s not a fucking coward and also knows emotions and shit.

Quick note, I know Daemos don’t do human shit but like kissing is a thing on Daemos becuase I fucking said so. They also tap horns together but like irrelevant.

So, Pierce, due to the nature of his magic and me being a cliche bitch, if he kisses someone they’ll straight-up die. He knows this from experience and swore off love after that.

So back to the scene, Rileigh and Pierce kiss, which would’ve looked hella weird if you couldn’t see ghosts but Pierce made sure that literally no one else was in the same room as them when he and Rileigh talked.

Pierce describes this as quite possibly the best thing that’s ever happened to him and kissing Rileigh feels like heaven.

And guess what happens next?

It takes a hot minute but eventually Pierce is like ‘Wait a sec Rileigh isn’t giving me dead people vibes anymore what’s up with that’ and both kinda freak out when they realize apparently that legit brought Rileigh back to life.

Cue Rileigh yelling becuase no one could hear him for the past like twelve odd years so he got a little used to just Shouting when he wanted to, and he woke Ava up.

Ava who was VERY surprised to see her previously dead brother (Who now looked her age because if one twin dies and the other doesn’t and the dead twin doesn’t move on they’ll continue to age like nothing happened), Pierce being caught in the middle of this kinda just stuck with the surprised Pikachu face, Rileigh who’s feeling Hella Hyper and Happy becuase he’s alive and also Pierce fucking kissed him.

There were tears. Ava cried and clung onto Rileigh. Rileigh also cried. Pierce was just sitting on the couch for all of it wondering what the hell he should do. At some point the other boys come out and are collectively like ‘WHO FUCK THE IS THIS BITCH??’ And Pierce has to explain the whole thing in detail becuase Ava and Rileigh are too caught up in their little ‘Holy shit you’re alive’ ‘HOLY SHIT I’M ALIVE’ thing.

Cut to like a week later, everything’s perfect, Rileigh’s alive, Pierce has gotten himself an entire boyfriend (That he can kiss and stuff without killing!), Ava finally got a mcfricken job. Andrew and Devon don’t know about any of this becuase that’d mean explaining even more stuff to them that Ava’s not sure she can do without getting a headache.

Asch suddenly realizes “WAIT SHIT WE’RE SUPPOSED TO GET MAGIC BACK TO DAEMOS SHIT” So after Ava gets home they have to do that.

And they fuckin do that, just open a portal in the middle of the livingroom and go through. They didn’t exactly have a plan, just take a bit of Ava’s magic, she has enough of it to fuel that entire dimension for ages, as previously mentioned, and with Rileigh in the mix, who does in fact have magic like Ava does, there should be a peaceful way to solve this, right?

They did not get to explain the plan fully before The Daemos are like “So like if we kill The Magic Princess we’ll never have to worry about magic and right? Right. Okay bye we’re gonna go publicly murder her now.” And dragged a very confused and panicked Ava away before any of them can react.

I should say during this whole thing Rileigh was not immediately present. He was out getting groceries or something, I don’t know.

The Boys forget they can like rebel against the kingdom or go after them and explain that you don’t need to kill her you idiots just take like a teaspoon of blood and we’ll be fine for decades but you know how Daemos are. Only using their Violence Brain and all.

It takes Rileigh getting home with Lorelai in tow, he ran into her at some point and she was like “Hey you look like Ava!!” and Rileigh being like “Oh yeah I’m her twin!!” an Lorelai being herself and he ends up bringing her home with him to hang out or something.

Rileigh finds the portal and all there and is frozen like “What the fuck??!?! THEY’RE GONNA KILL HER??? NO???” And the boys still don’t remember they can just save Ava and go fuck off to her apartment for like until they die.

Lorelai, understandably, completely snaps and goes rushing into the castle or whatever because portal landed like right outside of Asch’s room, grabs two swords off the wall, like, you know those displays?

So it’s just Elizabeth’s fight scene from Black Butler but Lorelai and Daemos guards and Lorelai just guessing off of where Ava’s screaming is coming from.

The Boys finally fucking remember this does not have to end with Ava dying, which was pointed out to them by Lorelai, who is completely human with absolutely no magic whatsoever, and not built for fighting whatsoever, her just rushing in without a second thought, and also Rileigh, who screamed at them and kicked Asch in the head.

So they follow the trail of dead bodies Lorelai’s leaving behind and Ava’s screaming and end up looking at where there’s already a crowd, Ava’s about to be killed, Lorelai’s not close enough to save her, Asch fireballs whoever was about to kill her the fuck away.

At this point, Ava had just about complete shut down, just zoned out due to panic, so she was just kinda sitting there in front of the shocked audience who by this point had been like ‘Wait we were running out of magic? Wait killing her will give us like unlimited magic? WAIT THE PRINCE JUST KILLED A FUCKING GUARD WHO IS THIS LADY??’

So after like five minutes the boys and Lorelai and Rileigh are all surrounding Ava and trying to protect her and then.

And then the goddamn king shows up.

The king, very feared, Asch’s father, Rhal’s too but like Rhal had been backed into a corner due to Lorelai being Angerey so he wasn’t present for any of this.

And everything just seems to freeze. The crowd, the guards, Asch and Co’, Ava was still zoned out, Rileigh was clinging onto Ava, and everyone was staring at the king.

He takes about the same stance as everyone else like ‘So spilling this lady’s blood will give us unlimited magic? Sounds good to me if y’all aren’t going to kill her I’ll do it myself.’ but like logically more threatening sounding than that but like before he can do anything Ava kinda half zones back and looks up at him.

Now, here’s why Ava and Rileigh have magic and Daemos doesn’t.

Daemos had gods, very powerful gods, but eventually they all got tired and fled to different dimensions. The gods were fueling everyone’s magic, the followers of certain gods got certain powers, y’all get it.

So, eventually, there was just this one god left, right, the main dude who was the only one fueling anyone’s magic anymore.

He got tired, and he got lonely, so he gave the rest of his followers magic power and fled to earth. The King, who was his most loyal follower, got the highest amount of magic. Please note that The King was a total nobody before this. Didn’t even have magic. Why is Asch like that then? His mother, obviously.

The God went on to fall in love with Ava and Rileigh’s mother, and, surprise surprise, is Ava and Rileigh’s father. And even before all the other gods just left and dumped their duties onto him, he was still the most powerful. So that’s why Ava and Rileigh are so damn jam-packed with magic, they’re demi-gods.

Ava, who is still mostly zoned out but some deep dark part of her definitely recognizes this dude’s magic is the same as hers.

So she’s like “You have my magic, that you don’t deserve. Give it back.” In like the Irene voice or whatever and she stands up and looks at The King and please be aware she is zoned-out during this entire thing.

The King, who can also sense the same magic he has in Ava but definitely stronger, but is an idiot, goes ‘No, you will give me, me and the rest of Daemos your magic.’

And Ava’s like ‘Then if you will not give me my magic back willingly, I will take it back by force’ and straight-up absorbs this dude’s magic leaving him completely powerless and then both The King and Ava pass the fuck out. Rileigh absorbs half the magic Ava absorbed from The King becuase she couldn’t take all of it on her own and still be stable since like he tainted it or whatever. Daemos were not meant to handle magic, humans were.

So like no one knows what’s going on becuase both The King and Ava are unconscious and everyone’s still trying to handle the shock of the whole event and Lorelai never really snapped back out of Fight Brain.

After a moment, Leif just scratches Ava’s arm enough to bleed a little bit which, as I’ve said, is enough to fuel the dimension for like a solid year or so human time, and then they all run back to Earth and close the portal before anyone can get mad at them.

Ava wakes up after a bit, has one hell of a fever since The King had tainted the magic she had just absorbed and that was Not Fun, but they explain everything to her after the whole sick event after now like once a year Ava has to give up a tiny bit of blood to keep Daemos running happily and The Boys live on Earth becuase they like it there and Pierce has Rileigh and they’re all happy.

There’s a whole other disaster when Andrew and Devon find out about all of this because Ava’s just decided it’s not worth lying about. She wasn’t even sure how she’d explain Rileigh.

“RILEIGH’S ALIVE??”

“Shit dude yeah he sure is. Hey he’s got a boyfriend too, did you know that?”

“RILEIGH’S ALIVE AND HE HAS A- WHAT?!”

“Yeah, Pierce brought him back to life through the power of love or some shit. Hey did y’all know me and Rileigh are demigods?”

And at that point they’re just kinda staring in complete shock.

Lorelai always goes back to Daemos for their yearly teaspoon of blood sacrifice as Ava’s personal guard. Ava did not ask for this. No one asked for this. Lorelai is feared throughout Daemos due to the whole Elizabeth Fight Scene stunt she pulled. She low-key enjoys seeing people this scared of her. She is aware this is a problem.

Anywho this AU was like a lot more detailed than I previously thought, but it’s fun being able to talk about this. If anyone has anymore questions like specifically or as like a suggestion for this AU let me know!

#I Was Asked Shit #How did I come up with any of this? Flow Free and music and my overactive imagination!#I also have another AU I might mush into this one where one of Ava's dads was in the mafia but like #Might not do that #Aphmau #My Inner Demons #I don't actually remember how Rileigh specifically came to be but hell I love him

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puregaychaos · 6 years

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Learn to Fly (Biadore oneshot)

Hello there I’m back again. Sorry this has taken so long for me to post but thank you for being so patient. luh you xo

He was never sure where it came from, but for as long as he could remember, Danny was terrified of flying. It wasn’t like he was worried that they were going to crash and die, obviously. He mostly attributed it to watching Final Destination a few too many times when it came out. As soon as he hit a moderate turbulence he would have a major panic attack thinking this was it for him. Naturally, this was pretty inconvenient given that his work required him to travel the world. The amount of anxiety pills required to get him through these flights could probably kill someone and forgetting to refill his prescription was never going to end well for him.

These were the thoughts going through Danny’s head when he was in the cab on the way to the airport for the ABCD Tour. His leg was bouncing, his stomach was spinning and he couldn’t remember the last time he felt this nauseous. When he arrived at the airport his fears escalated, only subsiding slightly when finding his best friend waiting for him. “Jesus, you look a mess,” the charming Roy greeted. This kind of banter was nothing new to Danny as he chuckled, hugging the shorter man. “Let’s get drunk!” Danny exclaimed, knowing he would need something to take the edge off of his flying nerves.

“Danny it’s 10am...” Roy trailed off before laughing, “let’s go.”

With a few hours to kill, Danny and Roy found a small bar in the corner of the airport and ordered themselves a round of drinks. Then two, then three then four until Danny was no longer even feeling nervous. “Whoa,” Roy said checking his watch, “we need to go sweetie.” Danny slurred some gibberish and wobbled all the way to the gate with only Roy holding him up. It wasn’t until they’d boarded and sat down that the nerves started to kick in again.

“Roy, Roy, help me.” Danny’s breathing was erratic and Roy grabbed his hand.

“Hey, breathe with me.” Roy responded, breathing slowly in and out trying to help Danny.

“No, my heart...is gonna explode.” Danny was having heart palpitations at this point and stood up, feeling immediately dizzy.

“Sir, you need to sit down, we’ll be taking off soon.” The flight attendant politely said.

“No, no,” Danny’s whole body was shaking until Roy grabbed his arm.

“Hey, you’ll be fine, I’m here,” he whispered. “Can we get some water?”

Danny woke up on Roy’s shoulder, not realising he’d passed out. Roy was peacefully watching a movie on his iPad with his earphones in. He glanced down, noticing Danny’s movement. “How are you feeling?” Danny simply mumbled in response, feeling his nerves bubble up again.

“Don’t like flying,” was Danny’s more coherent reply, to which Roy chuckled. Despite his sleep, Danny was still feeling tipsy. “Help me,” he slurred.

“What do you you need?” Roy asked and instead of answering, Danny wrapped his arms around his neck in a tight embrace, his head buried in Roy’s sweet smelling hair. When the two pulled away they locked eyes for what felt like forever. It was a strange new feeling for Danny, like the ultimate intimacy without even touching. Suddenly his heart rate was speeding up and slowing down all at the same time, it wasn’t the flying he was scared of anymore, it was what might happen next with Roy. Not that there hadn’t been times where Danny wanted to make a move before, he’d had feelings for Roy for a while. It was just that he’d never acted on them and this time he thought that maybe Roy wanted it too. It was such a big risk but in Danny’s eyes so was being on this plane and if they were gonna die on this flight, he wanted to know that he’d at least tried with Roy. Then again, what if Roy flat out rejected him? What if he was so disgusted by the idea of Danny kissing him that it ruined the friendship they had? As he finally snapped back to reality, he realised it was too late to be worrying about this because he was already leaning towards Roy. This was it, the moment that that could make or break everything. His mind was spinning as he realised what he was doing. He shouldn’t have even been doing this Roy was his best friend and he could be about to kill that in an instant. Before he had time to register any of this, their lips were touching, only slightly, it didn’t take Danny long to notice that Roy didn’t seem to be kissing him back and he moved away quickly, hanging his head in shame. That was it, he’d ruined it all, their friendship was over.

"Danny I," Roy paused. Danny couldn't even look at him, he was terrified and his heart was beating double time. Of course it had to be that moment when the plane hit turbulence. Danny's knuckles were white from where he was clinging to the armrest between them. At that moment he was struggling to breathe. Roy rested his hand over Danny's, "look at me," he commanded but Danny still couldn't, keeping his eyes on the floor. After saying it a few more times, Roy gave in. He grabbed Danny's cheek and moved his head to face him. Danny finally moved his eyes to look at Roy, still in the midst of a panic attack. Before he could think, Roy's lips connected with his, this time actually kissing him. Danny could feel fireworks inside his chest, suddenly he wasn't so worried anymore. It didn't take long for their kiss to become more heated with Roy grabbing the back of Danny's head with one hand and caressing his cheek with the other. Meanwhile Danny's hands were roaming all over Roy's body, wanting to feel every part of him while he can. Their steamy makeout came to an abrupt end as the seat belt light above them turned off and they were no longer in turbulence. "Bathroom, 2 minutes," Roy whispered to Danny as he stood up, making his way to the back of the plane.

Danny took a deep breath in an attempt to compose himself. He looked around the cabin at the, mostly sleeping passengers, as he stood up. He made his way to the bathroom, seeing that the door was locked, and tapped on it rhythmically. He saw the lock go from red to green and let himself in, checking over his shoulder first.

Before Danny could even make it fully into the small bathroom, Roy was pushing him against the door, clicking the lock behind him. He pinned Danny's wrists above his head as he kissed him passionately, exactly the dominant lover Danny imagined him being. An involuntary whimper left Danny's mouth as he felt Roy's tongue on the roof of his mouth. Roy pulled away briefly, leaving Danny a light-headed panting mess. He threw his head back as Roy moved down his neck, kissing and nipping whilst moving his hands away from Danny's wrists, moving down his arms and resting at his waist. Danny wasted no time pulling Roy's head back up and wrapping his arms around his neck. Roy's hands slid down to undo Danny's jeans and starting teasing him through his boxers. Danny wasn't sure how to react, almost wanting to swat Roy's hand away because he didn't know what to do. Of course he'd done this before but this was different. It was Roy. Roy's hands delicately stroking him through his boxers almost as if he was afraid of hurting him. Just as he was thinking this, Roy pulled Danny's boxers down to his knees. Danny gasped as Roy pulled away, now wrapping his lips around Danny's cock, slowly moving up and down his shaft. It was an amazing feeling that Danny just wanted to last forever. Roy pulled his head back, swirling his tongue around the head before ducking back down, taking the whole of Danny deep into the back of his throat until he gagged. Danny could feel every muscle in his body relaxing as he knew he was close to climax already, a pitifully short amount of time. "Roy, please." Danny stammered, "please fuck me."

Just then, there was a knock on the door. "Sir, we will be landing shortly please make your way back to your seat." Both of the men giggled, embarrassed by the situation.

"That'll have to wait until the hotel," Roy whispered as he helped Danny get his pants back up.

"Is that a promise?" Danny replied, making Roy laugh and nod his head in response. Once both men had composed themselves they exited the bathroom, both looking down to hide how much they were blushing. Roy intertwined their fingers as they walked through the cabin back to their seats. Once theyd sat down, Danny looked down at their hands. He couldn't believe what just happened. This man he'd had a crush on for years may have actually felt the same. He kissed him on the cheek after they'd lock their seatbelts and rested his head on the older man's shoulder.

"Still scared of flying?" Roy asked, to which Danny laughed.

"Not if you'll do that more often."

#Biadore #Bianca del rio #Adore Delano #Biadore fic

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lahallucinations · 6 years

Text

Two Ghosts

Note: the update broke me also written late at night so can’t rlly say how coherent this is

“Ha…Ha…Ha!”

Clank! Kent’s fingers slipped and he lost his grip on the phone and it fell onto the bar counter. Kent heard part of Carl’s comment about how Kent was shocked. He didn’t respond. Kent swallowed and Swoops looked over to him and Kent knew his face was giving away too much. He had spent his time hiding, hiding or existing in plane sight. Tomorrow he expected questions from the press,the fans and the world. Did he know? Was he also? Were they ever?

Kent scoffs.

“Next round’s on me.” He says to the guys and smiles wide. He wasn’t about to let Jack Zimmerman ruin his night. Not another one. Swoops looked concerned but didn’t say anything. Kent thanked his stars for that. What a shame it would be if Kent couldn’t spend another night drinking to forget something Jack did. The first time was when Jack and him were only 17 and Jack had giggled “I love you” into his ear sending Kent into a panicked frenzy, the last time had been after Kent was kicked out of Jack’s bedroom at a frat party and also his life. Kent downed his drink and then another for good measure. He tried to focus on tangible things to not let his mind wander into the memories that had become dangerous nightmares. The lights of the club were louder, the music deafening and he couldn’t make out any words that were being said by his teammates. He ordered another drink. Across the bar he watched a couple on the dance floor, both girls, both wearing Zimmerman jerseys, both drinking and dancing the night away. They snuck in a kiss. Drunk people usually got into fights after his games. Did Jack have to upend everything about hockey culture in one night? Kent’s thoughts were straying again, he needed something to help him forget, he needed a buzz again. Kent’s heart wouldn’t stop beating and with each moment he wondered whether being here was worth it at all. “Boys, you’ll never forget the feeling. That moment when you look out onto the ice and you see your team smiling, everybody laughing and the glee on the faces of the crowd, oh god, everything just will feel right. Always hold onto that feeling.” Bad Bob’s words rung clear as day in Kent’s mind. At the time, Jack and him had just been satisfied with the fantasy of winning a cup but when they were alone, Jack had said,”We’ll do it together.” “Yeah, we’ll definitely win.” “No, I mean we’ll win and hold the cup up together and I’ll kiss you. What do you say Kenny, us against the world?” “Another, please.” Kent was drunk but he wasn’t going to let even a random stranger say that he wasn’t charming or polite or anything other than lovely. “Uh… man I think you’ve had enough, your teammates told me to cut you off. They left already. Do you want me to call you a cab?” Kent checked his watch. Two a.m. He had somehow missed his team leaving but whatever. He didn’t need them. He decided to leave the bar. As he was going out, a group of hockey fans spotted him and asked for selfies. He smiled, they were charmed and they invited him out. Some random rap song blared, Kent was barfing in a random toilet but he still felt sober because his phone kept sending him notifications. The latest one was a missed call from Bob Zimmerman. Kent stumbled from the bathroom, found a waiter serving champagne and grabbed two. Kent woke up to the stench of vomit mixed with disinfectant. His eyesight was still blurry but he made out the bare, too clean walls that could only be identified as a hospital. “Oh, Parser, thank god. You’re awake.” “Huh.” Kent says simply. “The doctor said you’re fine, just had a bit too much to drink last night yeah? It’s lucky someone saw you passed out on the street and called the hospital and not the cops. Don’t worry about management or anything okay? Trust me the press isn’t getting wind of this.” Swoops was rambling a little. Kent knew he did that when he was nervous. Kent supposed he should be grateful to whatever brave fool didn’t let him die peacefully in some unmarked alley. That’d be a fitting way to go. It’s be cowardly and it’d be a candle instead of a firework but yesterday and the eight years before that had proven he couldn’t be brave. He couldn’t even tell people not to say something homophobic on his own team. He had learned how to be quiet, how to shove aside his truth and he had excelled at thriving in a place that hated yet adored him. His thoughts were broken again by Swoops. “About last night… I’m sorry, I knew you were upset and I should’ve stayed. I don’t know what happened between you and Zimmerman and I don’t want to know but seeing you here, broken, I want things to be better for you, alright? Parse, you’re an enigma. You’re a great person and player and I’m going to support you no matter what.” “Can you drive me home?” Swoops smiled, “Of course, Captain.” Kent smiled too. On the drive home, Swoops asked him if he remembered anything from last night. Kent remembered amber taking over his taste buds. Or was he drinking with Amber. Then there was loud music, a throbbing headache and vodka as a cure to the headache.

“Not much, no.” He did remember though, not last night but a similar one 8 years ago. He’s the one who called 911. He’s the one who had to tell Bob Zimmerman that his son was lying lifeless on the cold bathroom tiles and no he didn’t know how many pills he’d taken and yes he’d called an ambulance and of course he’d stay with Jack until they got to the hospital. He remembered crying and tugging at Jack’s sleeve and shaking him roughly, hoping, praying, pleading for Jack to wake up. For Kent to hear his laugh again. For Jack to hold his hand, for anything other than no response. The 7 minutes that the ambulance took to reach the house had at the time seemed to be the longest of Kent’s life but the hours in the waiting room beat that. Both records got destroyed the day after that draft, where Kent got everything.

Everything but what he wanted the most. He remembered in explicit detail what the pressure of hockey had turned Jack into, what the promise of being the next great thing with the guilt of being gay had lead to. Yesterday though, Jack was everything but scared and Kent hoped that somewhere in an alternate universe, he was there next to him.

#I don’t like how abrupt the ending is but I had feelings that I wanted to write down #title comes from a harry styles song bc ofc it does #kent parson #jeff troy #jack Zimmerman #omgcp fic #angst #bob Zimmerman

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nicknchris09 · 7 years

Text

Once In A Lifetime Chapter 51 Own Terms

Melissa's POV

Our trip finally came to an end. Seth and I decided we should leave. My mother asked if I would come back soon. I told her I would. I knew when he got worse, I would want to see him one more time and say goodbye. I wish I could have stayed longer but knew it wouldn't be good for my children to see him get worse and they had school to go back to. We all were outside as the children said goodbye to their grandparents. Once they did, Seth walked up and my mother said goodbye to him as she hugged him. He walked over to my dad and he shook my father's hand. My dad looked at him almost with sad eyes, "Please, take care of them. They will need you once I am gone."

I became sad when I heard this. Seth looked at him and said, sincerely, "I plan on it. I'm not going anywhere. I promise you."

My dad smiled at him and said, "I know you will." He still had a hold of his hand and he pulled Seth into him. He hugged him. I was shocked to see this. My dad wasn't particularly affectionate. But to see this was warming. Seth seemed shocked by it as well. But he did give him a hug back. My dad said to him, "You are a good man, Seth."

They pulled away and Seth nodded as he smiled. I walked up to my mom and she hugged my quickly. I then walked over to my dad, sad, knowing this would be the last time I would see him like this. Tears build up in my eyes and he noticed. He said, sweetly, "I love you, princess."

I hugged him as I cried. "I love you too, daddy."

I stayed that way for a moment as a few tears fell. I finally pulled away and dried my tears up. Then my dad said, "It will be okay. It suppose to be this way. Parents suppose to go before their children, it’s only right."

I nodded but it didn't make me feel better. We hugged one more time and I finally left. We got into the vehicle and left. As we drove away, Seth briefly looked over to me as he asked, "You okay?"

I exhaled. "I just wish I had more time."

He smiled, softly. "Baby, I think no amount time would be enough for you."

"I know." I only said, softly.

A couple weeks past and I talked to my parents everyday. I checked in with dad and mom to see how he was. He just now started to show signs of the cancer spreading. It broke my heart. Seth had to work but him and I decided to go to lunch. I got to the parking lot of his job when my phone rang. I quickly parked it and looked at my phone. It was Max. I picked up and said, cheerfully, "Hey, bro, what you up to?"

"Hey, Lissa." Max didn't sound right.

I knew instantly something was wrong. "What's wrong, Max? Is it dad?"

"Um, yeah." He sounded really upset.

"Did he already take a turn to the worse? How bad is he?" I was almost freaking out.

"Lissa, dad is gone." He almost choked out.

"What?" I was shocked. I didn't expect this. I thought we would have more of an idea about when he would go. But this, this was sudden. No getting really bad before he passed. I said as I didn't know how to process this. "I don't understand. I thought he was suppose to go slowly. How...how did this happen?"

"Lissa, dad didn't want to be in pain. He didn't want us to watch him in pain. So, he decided to take it upon himself to end it. He left a note saying he didn't want none of this for us. He wanted us to remember him how he was. Not dying and sick." He explained.

This hit me harder as I realized he took his own life. "How...how did he do it?" The realization started to hit me as tears flowed down my cheeks.

I heard Max crying at this point. "He took a bunch of pain pills. He did it when he went to bed. When mom woke up, she found him dead."

"Oh, god!" I was shocked.

"Lissa, I have to go. Mom isn't doing so good and someone has to talk to the doctor." He told me.

"No, I understand. Go. Give mom my love. And I will try to come back as soon as I can." I said to him as I tried to hold back the pain.

"Okay, sis. I love you." He said to me.

"I love you too, Max." I said, then hung up the phone.

I sat back in my seat as I was really shocked at what my father did. I felt zoned out and everything around me didn’t feel real.

A few minutes later, I was inside the building. I was almost in a daze as I walked to Seth's office. Everything sounded so far away and distanced as I was too dazed by the news. I felt someone touch my arm as I was focused on the floor, only thinking about my father. I looked up to see Mila. She said, "I tried calling out to you, Lissa. Is everything okay?"

I still felt daze and said, "Um, yeah. Where, uh, where is Seth?"

"I think in his office." Then she looked at me in concern. "Are you sure you are okay? You do not look so good."

I just nodded. Just then I heard my husband's voice, "There you are. I thought you were standing me up." I just looked at him as my eyes filled with tears. He made me feel safe and okay to be vulnerable. He noticed the tears. "What's wrong?"

I only cried and ran into him arms. He hugged me tightly. I finally choked out, "My dad is gone."

"What? I thought he had more time." He seemed shocked.

"He took his own life. He left a note saying he rather us remembering him like that then him sick. So, he ended it so we would never have to see him like that." I sobbed out.

"Fuck, baby! I'm so sorry." I could tell this shocked him.

I forgot Mila was still there. But I heard her gasped when I told Seth. I felt her hand on my back and I looked over at her through the tears. "I'm so sorry, Lissa." Mila said, sincerely.

I just nodded but didn't move away from Seth. Seth didn't stop holding me. "Come on, let's get you to my office."

He held onto me as he moved us to the office. We walked in and sat on the couch in the office. I didn't let go of Seth as I didn't want to be away from him. ��He was actually stopping the pain from being worse. Seth didn't say anything, just held me closely. My tears subsided. "We have to go back." I almost breathed.

"I know." I heard him say. "I will handle everything."

Then it hit me. My children. I looked up at Seth in pain, "What do we tell the boys? I don't want them to know their grandfather killed himself."

"Then don't tell them. Just tell them he died peacefully in his sleep. That really isn't a lie." He said to me.

I said to him, "I can't lie to them."

"Then I will. It's only to save them from the horrible truth. I would say we could tell KJ as he is old enough. But I don't know how he would handle it." He said.

"His grandfather's death is going to be hard on him." I said as the tears build back up.

"I know and that worries me." Seth breathed.

I said in my tears, "Me too."

Neither of us said a word, just stayed there as he held me. I just stayed still as I thought about everything. I knew what my dad did was for us and for himself but I was angry with him. For cutting it too short. Even if it was only for by a couple more months. That was a couple more months he could have had. But he ended it. He ended it before I could say goodbye. I was angry at him for that.

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Seth's POV

I felt for Lissa so much but at the same time I felt sadness. I finally got the man to genuinely like me and now he was gone. We knew this was coming, but not like this. I was in shock by what he did. I didn't think he would do that. I also knew Lissa didn't expect it either. After sometime of holding her and having her calm, I decided we should head home. We quickly and quietly left the office. She broke the news where people heard it, so as we walked out, I saw people looking at us as they whispered. It pissed me off. She didn't need that just then. We finally left the office and we got in my car. We left her truck there as I knew she was in no condition to drive home. I would have someone bring it home later. After I got her home, I put her to bed as I knew she needed to get some rest. She was emotionally drained. When I checked on her before I got Josh and James from school, I found her sleeping. I quickly left and made sure to get them quickly. I got us home and waited for KJ and Jacob to get home. Once they did, I told KJ, "Get your other brothers, I need to talk to all of you."

He then asked, concerned, "Is everything okay, dad?"

"No, son. Please do as I asked." I said to him.

He nodded and did it. Shortly all four of the boys were in the living room sitting down on the couch. I sat on the coffee table and said as I signed, "I have some bad news, boys. Your grandfather passed away last night in his sleep."

None of the boys reacted right away. Finally Jacob asked, "He's dead?"

I only answered as I signed, "Yes."

They seemed sad but not surprised. They knew there grandfather was going to pass away so I think they didn't take it so hard. I asked them as I signed, "Are you guys okay?"

They all nodded sadly and James signed, "Grandpa is in heaven. He isn't in pain anymore."

I just smiled at the young boy. Then I told them, "We will be going back in a couple days. You do not have to go to school tomorrow."

They understood and they all parted ways. Before KJ walked out, I called after him, "KJ."

He stopped as the rest of the boys left. "Yeah, dad?"

"Come here. I needed to talk to you." I said to him.

He stayed back and sat back down. I made sure the coast was clear from the other boys. I then looked at him and said, "I have to tell you more of what happened as I feel you are old enough to really understand it all. But you have to promise me you will not freak out or get angry. I know your mother cannot deal with you going to that bad place again like you did when your father died."

He seemed to understand and said, "I promise, dad."

I signed and said, slowly, "I didn't tell the rest of them as I feel they will not understand."

"What is it, dad?" He seemed to be scared at what I had to tell him.

"Look, your grandfather didn't die cause of the cancer." I told him.

"What?" He seemed shocked. "Then how?" He asked.

I looked at him as I licked my lips. "He took a bunch of pills and went peacefully during the night."

"He killed himself?" He asked in shocked. I nodded. Then he began to freak. "But why? Why would he do that? I don't understand."

"Calm down, please." I almost begged. I didn't want him to go to a bad place. I saw him calm himself and I finally said, "He felt it was best. He wanted everyone to remember him okay, not sick. Once his illness began to progress, he decided this was the best way. He also didn't want to be in pain. He wanted to go on his own terms."

I saw KJ's expression change. He seemed to understand and was seemingly okay with it. "I get it. He wanted to die peacefully. He was going to die anyways, he just wanted to do it his way."

I nodded and said, "I figured you understand. But please do not tell your brothers. They do not need to know and they will not understand."

He quickly said, "I promise, dad. I get why you don't want them to know. They aren't ready for stuff like this."

I moved over and hugged him. I asked as I did, "Are you okay?"

We pulled away and he said with a small smile, "Yeah, I actually am. I am glad grandpa did it the way he wanted to. I know he was probably happier this way. Actually makes me feel better to know that he wasn't in pain when he passed."

I smiled softly and nodded. KJ then said, "I'm going to go to my room. I promise, I am okay, dad."

"I'm glad." I told him.

He got up and started to walk out. He stopped and looked back. "Dad." I looked up at him. "I love you."

I smiled at him and said, "I love you too, son."

He smiled back at me and walked away. I got up and went to check on Lissa. I walked to our room and opened the door. Her back was to the door but I heard her crying. I moved in as I closed the door. I walked over to the bed and laid down. I pulled her close to me. She quickly turned her body to me and clung onto my shirt. "Baby, it's okay. It will be okay."

"I still can't believe he did this. Why would he do this?" She sounded mad.

I tried to calm her. "Baby, don't overthink it, please. Let's just get through this, together. Okay?"

She didn't say anything at first. Then she asked, "Did you tell the boys?"

I breathed, "Yeah." Then I said, "But I told KJ everything. He seemed okay. He understood."

She looked at me in surprise. "How? I don't even understand. He killed himself, Seth. He was so selfish. No one got to say goodbye. He just let his death hit us harder. He was so selfish."

I noticed anger in her voice. "Baby, what is going on?"

"Are you not listening? The man was selfish. I didn't get to say goodbye!" It hit me what was bothering her. She thought she would be able to go back and say goodbye to her father, but now it was robbed from her. She broke down in tears. "I wanted to say goodbye."

I held her tightly. "Baby, I know you didn't get to say goodbye the way you wanted to. But you still get to say goodbye. It's never too late."

All she did was cry in my arms. I didn't know what else to say at this point. I just knew she needed me. So I just held her as I let her cry in my arms.

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#seth macfarlane fanfiction #seth macfarlane #seth fanfic #macfarlane #fanfic

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plasticoveredfurniture · 5 years

Text

inktober d13: ash

pairing: taegi

words: 1941

tags: violence, gang au, journalist yoongi, roughly inspired by banana fish, happy ending

Daegu had never been the safest of cities, Yoongi was aware of that. That was why he moved to Seoul in the first place. The city was bigger and safer, not completely in the hands of gangs and crippled by crime. But he was a journalist, and he followed wherever the news brought him. And, unironically enough, he was taken back to where everything had begun. In the six years he'd been away from his hometown, things had gotten worse that everyone had thought possible. So his job took him back there to interview the members of one of the youngest gangs in the city.

It was lead by someone who went by V and they mostly dealt with dealing and micromanaging infrastructures related to gambling and prostitution. No one knew how all this power had ended up in the hands of an eighteen-year-old boy. It was now Yoongi's job to find out.

Their first time meeting completely shocked Yoongi. He'd known the person he was gonna meet was extremely young, but the boy he was faced with shocked him. The boy's features were sharp, but boyish nonetheless. He had a sharp jawline, but soft cheeks, and round doe eyes that held an intensity that left Yoongi paralyzed.

"Why is he just standing there like that?" asked the younger to no one in particular.

Yoongi moved closer to the boy and introduced himself.

"Hi, I'm Min Yoongi. It's nice to meet you."

He offered his hand without thinking twice, but the disapproving stares he was met with made him realise his mistake. Just as he was about to withdraw it, he felt a hand curl against his.

"Kim Taehyung, but keep it out of the papers."

Yoongi's job was pretty simple. He just had to stay close to Taehyung and observe him. Try and understand how the gang worked and maybe how he got such an important position. He just had to pay attention.

But things didn't go quite as planned.

For starters, Taehyung had demanded he be armed with a gun. He had one of his people provide him with one, and taught Yoongi personally. The elder was not allowed to leave his apartment without it.

Then, after the first month, he realised the two of them had grown closer than he had anticipated. He truly cared for the boy and no longer thought about his stay in Daegu as a work trip. They spent most of their time just hanging out and Yoongi even helped him seal a couple of deals thanks to his "smartass mouth", as Taehyung had very kindly put it.

But Murphy's law never disappoints. After a whole month of nothing but tranquility, things started changing. Random shootings started happening in V's districts and some punks had started selling their own low quality shit in the same places where V's people were stationed.

Taehyung couldn't afford to look bad, he was already way too young to be taken seriously. He needed to assert dominance. So he sent off about fifteen of his guys, all armed, to take out whoever was being. nuisance. Only eight of them came back in one piece.

After that Taehyung made Yoongi move into his own apartment, claiming it to be safer.

Being forced to spend every waking moment together did nothing but strengthen their bond. Taehyung trusted Yoongi, and the feeling was mutual. But that was the main problem.

One night they decided that deserved to wind down a bit so they treated themselves to a couple beers which turned into a couple glasses of rum and coke. And alcohol makes people loose lipped. And that isn't something that people like Taehyung can afford.

"You know how I became" a sip of his drink and a grimace "this?"

Yoongi was staring at him with wide eyes. He shook his head.

"I used to sell my body to survive. I was living on the streets and greasy old men are such easy targets. So I took advantage of that."

Yoongi was at a loss for words.

"A few of them were stupid enough to become regulars. They loved this pretty ass so much that they paid and paid and paid to have a taste of it again. And before I knew it I was swimming in money."

Taehyung opened the bottle of rum and gulped a mouthful down.

"But at some point it stopped being about money. I was drunk off of the power that these men were giving me. So I didn't stop. And then it was too late."

Taehyung kept the bottle close and lit a cigarette. The smoke was rising up in pretty milky swirls and Yoongi focused his attention on that. He didn't like how empty the younger's gaze was. He'd gotten so used to the warm intensity of his stare that it had become familiar. And the void swimming in Taehyung's eyes was odd and scary.

"His name was Donghyuk. He would give me these little jobs saying that he needed me because no one was like me and all that stupid shit. At first it was just delivering messages. Then it turned into bribing. Both with sex and money. And then I became his carrier for the more important clients. No one knew I worked for him. Not even I did. I thought I was the one in control. That he was wrapped around my finger."

"What happened to him?"

Yoongi's voice wasn't louder than a whisper.

"I killed him. He touched me after I said no, so I killed him. And took everything that was his."

Taehyung took one last drag from his cigarette and put it out on the carpet. His eyes staring into the void.

They stayed quiet for a while after that. It wasn't uncomfortable, but a bit awkward. They kept sipping on their drinks quietly until Yoongi moved. He got up from his spot on the floor on the other side of the coffee table from Taehyung and sat next to him.

In a burst of confidence he tugged on the boy's sleeve and when he turned around Yoongi closed the gap between them and kissed him.

And when Yoongi moved back, Taehyung put his hand on the back of the elder's neck and lurched forward.

He was hungry, but careful. So careful when he laid Yoongi down on the floor. Even more careful when he slowly peeled back the layers of clothing. But oh so hungry whenever their lips met.

The following morning they woke up on the floor in a tangle of naked limbs. Yoongi tried to slip away, but Taehyung tightened his embrace.

"I didn't peg you as the type to smash and dash, hyung" he teased with his eyes still closed and his lips resting on the journalist's shoulder blade.

They kept treading this very dangerous line between something that they could never have and what they were doing, and it was inevitable for them to fall into something recklessly close to a relationship.

They refused to acknowledge it thought, thinking that it would make it less real, less dangerous.

But word travelled fast and soon enough everyone knew that the great V had a weakness in the form of one tiny journalist.

When Taehyung found out they got into a huge fight. Taehyung wanted him to leave, but Yoongi wanted to stay by his side.

"What if something happens to you? I could never forgive myself for ruining your life like that, especially now that you mean so much to me!"

"You think you're the only one in this position? I would rather die here than leave you alone! I don't wanna say goodbye without knowing if I'll see you again! What would I do if I never got to see you again?"

Taehyung was quiet after that.

"Come with me."

"What?"

"You heard me. Come with me. We can start from scratch together in Seoul. I'll find a new project to work on and we can travel together. I'll write the articles and you'll be my photographer."

"You're crazy."

"Am I? I know you hate this as much as I do. And I know how much you love photography. You told me. You've shown me the boxes full of pictures. We can be safe. We can be happy. Together."

"I can't leave this life, Yoongi! I am responsible for these people, I can't just leave them behind and pretend like nothing ever happened! And the past always catches up to you."

"Well, that's what's gonna happen if you stay anyway."

"What are you talking about?"

"Leaving them. That's what's gonna happen. Because if you stay, someone's gonna get their hands on you and you'll end up dead somewhere and everyone else is just gonna have to go on without you."

"Hyung-"

"Wouldn't it be better to at least try?"

Silence.

"I don't know how to go on without you, Taehyung-ah"

But no matter what the elder said, Taehyung couldn't let him ruin his life like this. As soon as Yoongi fell asleep, the boy called one of his people and had someone buy Yoongi a ticket to get back home and someone to guard the apartment after he left.

He'd had some of his people look into the weird activity that had been going on in his districts and clubs, and found that some of Donghyuk's old people were out for revenge. Naturally, he decided to deal with it on his own. He was V, if he was gonna go down he was gonna do it in style and with dignity. He didn't need people watching his back.

So, as a screaming Yoongi was being dragged towards the airport to hop on a flight to Incheon, Taehyung was walking into the lion's den.

No one knew anything about his suicide mission, other than that it was gonna happen. Some of his people put two and two together after the phone calls he had made earlier that night, so they rushed to help.

They were too late though. When they got there, it was a bloodbath. Everyone that Taehyung had wanted dead had a bullet planted in between their eyes, and maybe a couple extra ones in other unpleasant places. But Taehyung hadn't been able to leave without a scratch. They found him in a pool of blood with a gunshot wound in his leg and another in his shoulder.

They rushed him to the hospital and, thankfully, they hadn't been too late for that.

With his money they were able to put him into intensive care and have the best surgeon in Death operate on him. It was a close call, but they were able to save him. He wouldn't be able to move his shoulder without being in pain, but they had pills for that.

When Taehyung woke up three days after the shooting, it was to Yoongi sleeping peacefully in the armchair beside his bed.

"W-What-"

Yoongi immediately opened his eyes.

"Oh my god, you're awake"

"You're supposed to be-"

"In Seoul, I know. But you made quite the mess when you decided to go shoot up a whole gang all by yourself. When they found you-"

The journalist took a sharp breath.

"You goddamn idiot, I thought I'd lost you"

There were streaming down his face and Taehyung couldn't help but cry with him.

"I think-" he coughed a little, throat hoarse from not being used for a few days "I think we should go to Seoul as soon as I can leave this hospital bed"

"Wait, what?"

"Yeah, I think we can just start over again. Be safe. Be happy. Together."

#btsboulangerie

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mntflka · 5 years

Text

ANNIVERSARY

“I can imagine your boyfriend being so problematic and annoyed because of how hard it is to deal with you.” She faintly utters with those side smile as she clearly remembers how those words came up from her friend’s mouth, and added, “I couldn’t agree more.” HARD is just an understatement if she is to describe how hard it is to deal with herself and at that time, she started to accept the fact that she will not be loved in a romantic way, no one can deal with her and bear with her for so long. She started to realize that it was her fault why not just one but so many people got tired of her. She started accepting that fact at the same time when her world was slowly drifting apart and started crumbling down. She lost so much people in her life that she was so afraid to live her life because she never felt so alone and even if when people tried to reach out, the fear of being too invested on people that will just end up leaving her is just so scary and is engraved deep within her that she chose to shut down everyone. Until one day, a much unexpected day, she met her Primo.

As she looks back and remembers the day that they met, she can’t help but wonder why she waited for how many hours for him to message her when she hates waiting for replies. “Sorry tumakbo pa ako na pang-amazing race para magpa-load para inisin ka kasi alam ko ayaw mo sa late reply” was his first message to her. And lo and behold that started their friendship. As days go by, it is very evident how they become so close that talking to each other about how their day went to deep talks to freaky talks became routine. “To be honest, when we met I didn’t expect it that you would mean so much to me and you are God’s answer to my prayers.” She said as she reminisces their memories together.

Before he came into her life, people knew her as someone who was independent, strong, and brave but slowly all those things started to break and shatter until she became helpless, pessimist, weak and depressed. In a span of how many months, things started to go against her when the people she values the most left her hanging. Her bestfriend left her, her barkada was mad at her, her friends ghosted on her, bad things just kept on going and going yet she couldn’t open up to anyone until things started to pile up that made her question her worth and made her think that no one really cared for her. She was lost. She wanted to give up and just end the pain and the suffering. Crying every single night inside the four corners of her room while curling up in bed and pillows soaked up with tears became the routine while asking God to make the pain stop and make her feel numb because the Elisha that everyone knew was gone. She’s empty, has nothing else to give, and no will to live. But truly God has a different plan when He allowed her to meet someone who turned her life into 360 degrees. During a very boring and lonely night, he met this guy who told her to wait for 3 hours and she doesn’t even know what got into her but she waited. Little did she know, the guy she is literally waiting is the same guy she has been praying for- her saving. It wasn’t easy opening up at first, but Primo is not hard to be at ease with because he wasn’t the usual guy that everyone knew. He’s decent and a guy with a pure heart. Until they both started feeling weird feelings toward each other. Despite the distance, Elisha can say it was the best decision she ever made because it was with him that she was the happiest. Ever since she always wanted to have a long-distance relationship. Yeah, crazy is an understatement as what her friends say but for her, it wasn’t. Because she grew up believing that when people are in a relationship, love is not just enough to keep it going. It needs trust, loyalty, and faithfulness for it to work. She believed that distance is not a problem when two people truly love each other. Distance is just merely a number. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. Other people say that no long-distance relationship lasts but for her, there are. It’s just that maybe relationships that did not last are not meant to last, they’re not meant for each other or they chose not to fight for each other. No amount of distance can break you apart if two people truly and dearly love each other because sometimes distance is also needed for us to grow. But this belief is bound to end and not last when every single day, all that she could think about is to be with him. Despite the miles apart, he never failed to make her his Princess. He never failed to make her smile. He made her want to have a future, a family, and to pursue her dreams.

If people would ask the Elisha before what she wants in the future, she would probably just answer “Have my own foundation, go to Dignitas and die.” But if the Elisha who met Primo would answer that, it would be “I want to graduate with RMT and proceed to Med. Get married, and have four kids. Have my own foundation for cancer patients and peacefully live with my family.” There’s a very big difference in how they see the future because that’s what Primo showed to her, the beauty of life that she tried to bury deep within because of all the things that life threw at her.

To the Love of My Life and my Everything: Lovey, Love, Mon Amour, Baby, Babi, Babe,Bb, Mahal, Dadi, Hubby, and my Amor Mio. I gave you my heart with no inhibitions, no questions, I gave it wholeheartedly and unconditionally even if things were so rough and hard to handle, even there were so many questions unanswered, I stayed because I love you, deeply. Do you know that saying “Loving someone is like giving them the chance to hurt you but trusting them not to”? Before we became a couple, I told you what I went through, all the shit that life threw at me, all the pain that I felt. I told you everything, every single thing. I told you those things that no one knew because I thought you were different, I thought you won’t be like those people who just left- but I was wrong. Before you left, we talked about how my life will crumble down again once you choose to leave me, and it did happen. Despite the distance, you were not just my boyfriend, you were my badest bitch, bestest bestfriend, my dad at times even. You knew everything in my life. I wasn’t dependent before you came, but you made me one. That feeling when I wasn’t even scared to lose the people around me because I knew that I have you, I wasn’t scared to be alone because I knew I have you, I wasn’t scared to try new things because I knew that when I fail, you will still be there by my side. You were not just my boyfriend but you were my other half. You lifted me up when I feel like shit, you never forgot to assure me every single day that I am worth it, you never forgot to make me believe in myself and that I am capable of doing great things. You knew how scared I was with life but when you came you made me want to live, continue to fight and to have my own family. You were my comfort, my defender, my happy pill, and my home. You changed my life but sadly, you didn’t even stay. You chose to throw the ace card and break me all at once. You build me up but you also broke me apart into pieces, you made me feel the things I told you I’m afraid of feeling again. If I just knew that would be our last call, I should have talked to you ‘til the sun showed up, I should have not let you drop the call, I should have not said goodbye. We shared so many memories that I will forever treasure in my heart. Memories that no one can take away. But despite all the pain that you caused me, I wanna let you know that I don’t feel any anger towards you because, despite everything that has happened, I am still grateful and blessed to have met you and shared my life with you. You thought me so many things that made me who I am today and I promise not to do stupid things because I know that you wouldn’t be happy. Love, it hurts. So much. Every single day, the pain and sorrow that I am feeling just get deeper and deeper. Thank you so much for everything, Love. I hope you’re doing fine and always know that you are in my prayers. I guess, I’ll be back being that Elisha who doesn’t want to have a family once again, because it will always be you or no one else, I love you beyond words can express and I will wait for you no matter what. I am always here and will forever be here. But sadly, I have to learn again how to be alone. How to face life alone without you. Don’t worry even if no one will be there to listen to my rants and cries about acads, even if no one will call when I fail, even if no one will be there to make me smile after a very tiring day, even if no one will be there to wake me up when I need to go and attend my Chem class, even if no one will be there on the other side of the call when I’m studying, even if no one will be there to ask me to keep on revising letters, even if no one will help me look for sources if I cry because the teachers are annoying, I will try my best to be strong. I will try my very best to get that RMT, MD because I know that’s what you want me to do. To keep fighting and pursue great things. Even if I have to crawl to finish this, I will, for you because I know you believe in me. It’s gonna be hard and tough once again without you but maybe you left me for a reason. A reason that I will never know. There may be so many questions and uncertainty but there is this one thing that I am sure of and that is Te amo mucho, amor mio. Svethlana Reese, Alexander Reeve, Avery Gabriel and Ameythyst will forever be in my heart even if they won't be able to see the light. I love you so much, more than you can ever imagine. Just like what you asked me before you dropped the call, I will wait for you. I love you and I miss you very much.

PS: You know how hard it is for me to write something about yourself, and I tried. I am sorry if this is not as good as the poems you gave me.

Will forever love you,

Doktora

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its-rantsandbants-blog · 5 years

Text

Cutting doesn’t make your depression any more valid.

A suicide attempt doesn’t make your depression any more valid.

You are not less worthy of care just because someone has had 10 more suicide attempts than you.

You are not unworthy of care because you have no suicide attempts nor physical scars from your depression. You are not any less worthy of care because your depression is shallower and less frequent than someone else you have seen.

I didn’t feel like my depression was valid of treatment and attention until my suicide attempt. The anxiety made me worry of burdening others, while the depression told me I was not worthy. The anxiety whispers in your ear that you’re making a fuss over nothing, while the depression tells you life is not better than this; you’re imagining an ideal which does not exist. You shouldn’t chase that ideal because this is life. Get over it.

My depression was no more or less valid of treatment and attention on the day I first sat staring numbly at nothing, wondering if this was the best it could get. When I told myself I was fine because there were no tears. No, I didn’t cry myself to sleep. Depression didn’t cause the tears. It caused numbness. I felt nothing, no joy, no sadness, just emptiness. I was most myself when I was crying, or shouting, or laughing. Because at least I had emotion.

When I tried to kill myself, I didn’t cry. I walked calmly to the kitchen to get the pills that I ‘no longer needed’, because I still smiled, I was pretty fine most of the time, and because they didn’t make me feel better; they weren’t enough to lift me into the happiness I dismissed as a long-forgotten childhood myth. I got those, some Panadol, because my research had shown that fluoxetine and Panadol was a deadly combination, refilled my drink bottle, because you can’t swallow that many pills without water, and returned to my room. With the door shut and a tv show playing I calmly swallowed pill after fluoxetine pill.

I only stopped when the taste became incredibly unpleasant, and I thought I’d take a break before the Panadol. Or maybe, I’d sit here for a while and see if the fluoxetine did anything on its own. Maybe that was enough to kill me? I’ve always hated swallowing pills, after all. I sat there for a solid forty minutes watching my tv show until I began to feel scared. I hate pain.

At first I’d thought that death by overdose would be the least painful. I imagined drifting peacefully into a sleep, feeling myself dying and then being free. I imagined no pain, no fear, none of the realistic consequences. I had an ideal, and I stuck to it. I avoided jumping in front of a car because I didn’t want the driver to be scarred for life, plus I didn’t know if I could will myself to do it. It’s not that I didn’t want to. I did. But I can barely walk on a wire two metres off the ground when I have something to hold onto and a full harness. I just can’t force myself to do the big scary stuff. I was scared of the pain. I avoided jumping from somewhere high for the same reason. Stabbing myself is too unrealistic, it’d be terribly painful and messy. You can’t get a hold of guns in Australia. Anything else was either too elaborate or inconvenient. And so, I stuck with my ideal of floating peacefully and painlessly into death.

I was wrong. The reality kicked in after those forty minutes. So I went out to see my dad in the kitchen. I can’t quite use any other word than hysteria to explain why I had a half smile on my face as I came out. Dad later told me he thought I was going to tell him a joke. I didn’t find it funny, not in the least, and by this point I was quite scared of the consequences I’d so carelessly overlooked; organs slowly and painfully shutting down, watching the fear in my parents faces as I slid through this while there was nothing they could do to save me, or perhaps even lying unknown on my bedroom floor, while my family were oblivious. So, I turned around, so dad wouldn’t see my smirk and get the wrong idea, after throwing the empty packet of pills on the bench. He took a second to get it.

“Did you take these?”

A nod.

“All of these?”

Another nod.

He was all business after that. Good in a crisis is my dad. He took me straight out to the car, not saying a word to the other three members in my family who were in the house, because he knew that two minutes could be the difference between life or death for me.

One of my most solid memories from that night is making eye contact with my mother as we went out the door. Our eyes et, and I gave a tremulous smile. I expected her to see. I didn’t think she could miss the despair and the fear and the anguish in my eyes, and I wanted to comfort her. But pain is not so easily seen. Eyes are not windows to the soul, and if they are, then in this case my eyes so gradually turned dark and despairing that all my mother saw was the eyes of her daughter; normal.

I planned it for a week. I was going to do it as soon as possible, but I wanted to play with the band on ANZAC Day at the Evandale service, like we always did. I wanted to play the flute and feel the companionship of music for the last time. And so I did. I then begged off helping pack up and demanded my family take me home before they returned to the band rooms to return the gear. I claimed a headache. And so they did. I was alone in the house, and in the time it took them to help pack up, I made a note. A note in the form of a forty-minute video, which I have kept to this day. In it I said goodbye to friends, family, teachers, the world. I explained how important everyone was to me, and that I’d miss them. I can’t recall all the details, because I haven’t been able to bring myself to watch it since. Then I went to the cupboard and got the pills, because I knew they were still in there, and if anyone saw me get them there would be questions, and they would stop me. I didn’t want them to stop me.

Not once did I even truly consider the hurt it would cause. Strangely enough, I was surprised when my parents told me my brothers were incredibly worried about their dying sister in the hospital. I was surprised at how upset my best friend was and continues to be over that day. I was surprised when my dad told me his calm façade that night was hiding some of the most intense emotions he has ever felt in his life.

I didn’t, until now, truly think about the impact.

It’s strange to think of how it could have been versus how it is. If I had died, everyone would have known. The shock and the devastation would have ripples throughout my friends, family, teachers, acquaintances, affecting them all in some small of large way. My grandparents would have been told. My teachers. My classmates. My little cousins.

That thought was the one that broke my heart. My primary school cousins being told that their happy, lovable lyssa was dead. I wonder whether my aunt and uncle would have explained how, and why. I wonder if they would have told them that Alyssa was just ill, and there was nothing they could do. I wonder if they would wait until their 18th birthday, when the emotionally turbulent days of high school had passed and they were no longer worried of my suicide influencing them into depressive thoughts or behaviours, or of even making an example of me. I wonder whether they would tell them straight away, of them not understanding, of them being angry and confused and not truly processing it until years and years after.

I wonder what my grandparents would have thought. I wonder how my nan would cope after already losing her husband. I wondered how my grandma and grandpa would cope, after having known me since the day I was born and seeing how happy I appeared to be all those years. I thought about how my death could affect my friends for the rest of the lives. I imagined the guilt, the shame, and grief, and ultimately the truth that I was not alive. At 16, I had deemed life so unworthy of living that I chose to leave it, and them behind.

I thought about the people I wouldn’t have met and the experiences I wouldn’t have had if I’d succeeded. I imagines tubes and monitors hooked up to me that night with my parents sobbing over me.

I wondered if my parents would call my brothers in. My friends. If they knew I was going to die, who would they tell? Who would they bring to share my final moments, if anyone, and who would they tell after it had happened.

I wondered if they would avoid calling people to tell them the news. I wondered if at school people would simply note my absence and not know why until a month later. I wondered if they might never know. If my parents might keep it a private matter, and tell the school I’d dropped out, that we’d moved away. I thought about how hard it would be for them to face the undeniable truth that their little girl had killed herself, and to then have to hold themselves together for their other two children, for their immediate family, for their extended family, for their friends to grieve when they told them the news. I wondered how they would have coped. I wonder how the world would have coped.

Most of all I think about all I would have missed out on should I have not been so lucky as to survive. I would not have known true happiness, as I know it now, with all of its ups and downs. I would not have truly experienced LIFE, experienced love, of people, of school, of music. I wouldn’t have discovered the passion and euphoria of sex. I wouldn’t have known the pain of tendinitis, or carpal tunnel, or shin splints, or the heartbreak of various guys whole stole my heart and decided it wasn’t for them. I wouldn’t have been able to sit here, more than two full years later, and watch a documentary about a girl who killed herself and been so terrified and moved by emotion that that was almost me, and so unbelievably glad that I am alive.

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