#i’m not burnt out just going thru it mentally | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tomatoluvr69 · 10 months

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useless complaint post literally you don’t have to bother reading this it will just help me to rant a bit

This is sooooo not a real issue I’m just in the throes of pmdd but like I have a bunch of semi-expected (but way earlier than I’d thought) unemployed time so I’m using its alignment with the warm weather to go backpacking/live out of my car in [nearby national park and national forests] but right now I feel zero enthusiasm and I really hope it’s not gonna suck bc my heart’s not in it…like if I’m kind of doing it out of obligation bc it’s unusual to have such an extended span of time off when you’re an adult, then am I going to have the drive to get thru the parts that suck, like the exhaustion of steep trail days, the days when it storms so hard you have zero dry gear, etc. but really the part that I’m the most trepidatious about is the loneliness. But it’s so weird bc I’m struggling socially here and I really think some extended alone time would help?? But it’s always hard and I don’t want to lololol. Honestly what would help this the most is to just wait until after my fucking period. But as it is right now I feel like I’m just going thru the motions. If I could fucking live in my house for the equivalent amount of time without my social life encroaching I absolutely would but I’m so burnt out from my close friends leaving and from my last dear relationship here being at times really tough (it’s one that feels like my well-being rides on it— when it’s good, I’m on top of the world, when it’s not I’m hurt and confused and crawling out of my own skin). I still have a community here but it feels like it’s my roommates’ world, and I’m a guest whose presence is like…anodyne at best? And I really think I’ve just latched onto the idea of my trip as a vague mental escape hatch and haven’t really grasped the idea of the fact that I’ll still be present in my ailing brain and treacherous body when I go on the trip— I’m not just taking a nap from my (admittedly spoiled little baby) problems. And when I did the same thing for 3 or 4 weeks last summer I was dropped off & picked up, which created a really nice incentive to stay on trail— to leave, I’d have had to somehow communicate & coordinate with the relatives who’d agreed on a set date to come pick me up, i.e. effectively trapping me in the woods so I’d stay when I got all grumpy or sad or began semi-hallucinating human voices or was ready to throw it all away to get my hands on a slice of pepperoni pizza and a big old kombucha lol.

Anyways this is such not a real problem but me ol’ paranoid ass is convinced a whole passel of my irls have this blog’s url so I can’t freely complain about what’s really bothering me, which is that I’m starting to see harbingers of the devastating dissolution of my closest relationship. Or, even worse, my relegation to a much more distant connection. And I’m trying desperately to convince myself I should stay in this fucking town, because I’m suuuuuuuuper prone to just fleeing when I start to feel [inaudible], which is a super unsustainable way to live my life and o know it’s not [city] I’m trying to flee but myself which scientists are telling me I can’t physically do…but is that the truth?? Or is the truth that I actually do need a clean break from [redacted]…or is that just a convenient lie I’m telling myself so I can flee again. Or is THAT a convenient lie I’m telling myself so that I can keep my head in the sand and keep [redacted]. It’s so cool how you can’t trust your own heart and mind and you might just suffer from uncertainty forever and you’ll die chasing happiness with the grass always greener but also like pmdd and I don’t really want to go on this trip but I think I must. I think…

#like. even this trip itself is evidence that my nature is just a fucking flee-er.#and I think I’d settle for love but like that would require someone to love me. lol #and I’ve got some semblance of it here but it’s not enough and it’s very fucking painful. like what happens if the strongest ties you may #ever render are just enough. bc you’re not enough. lol #also I think I have to leave when I said I’d leave bc my internal shameometer prevents me from telling my male roommate I’m staying #solely to use the toilet during um well you know.#and also the more I come to terms with the fact that I’m almost definitely autistic the more I really can see how much masking fucking #drains me.#and the friends who left were the ones around whom I didn’t really feel the need to mask. but these social things the past few weeks have #fucking walloped me and I’m just :-( ;-( :-(#oops did not mean to make him wink.#and it just feels like the rest of my life is going to be a cycle of masking for long enough that someone likes me. and then being #abandoned by them for romantic relationships or some geographical distance reason or like ummm fucking liability by lorde reasons #ugsjkskwnenwjsmz :-( :-/

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peachpixiebby · 1 year

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Thinking about getting Invisalign and fixing the gap in my teeth. I don’t hate my teeth but it’s always been something that I was curious about doing. My work just added adult orthotics to our insurance for next year and I was like omg is this a sign I should do it??

I got a consultation a few weeks ago and dentist is recommending that I get 4 porcelain caps put on my four front teeth to make everything more proportional since I have a little bit of teeth grinding damage to my front teeth. The insurance will not cover the porcelain caps as that’s cosmetic and it’s in the multiple thousands of dollars. (Also planning to get a 2nd opinion since it’s a big purchase)

I actually have the money saved up and could do it but I don’t want to spend nearly all my savings on this. My work has a pretty good financial incentive to work overtime until the end of the year. Kicking myself for not taking advantage of it more earlier but with the specific goal I am so motivated to put in extra hours to help build up more funds for my teeth.

I’m planning to work as much as I can sustain. Rn were on mandatory overtime and must work 10 hour shifts all this week. I’m planning to ~try~ and work the max which is 12 hr shifts til the end of the year and try n get some weekend time as well AND some holiday time if they offer that. Holiday hours rn are triple time your pay so it’s worth it.

With all of this running thru my mind I’m feeling like I may be approaching/in a manic state and I’m trying to reel myself back. I know when I get like this I don’t eat or sleep enough and can have a meltdown. I wish my brain could balance these feelings right. I go from feeling burnt out and numb to having more ideas and energy than I know what to do with. I’m sure its untreated mental disorder(s). Dealing with that is on the to do list as well 😅

Wish me luck on getting to my financial goal ♥️ ✨

#journal #me

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jiminrings · 3 years

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last chronological part for stem koo... WHEW I WATCHED THEM GROW WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN NOW

cold senior!y/n x stem major koo masterlist :D

they finally become lunchbox lovers

“you’re asking me what’s jungkook like?”

jimin couldn't be any more surprised

first of all, his day started with yOU texting him and asking if you can drop by for a second, and the moment he texted "sure???", you're literally already knocking on the door

and second, you're asking him???

“oh come on. he clings to you with every chance he gets. i thought you gave him a chance already.”

your eyes only deadpan that jimin actually gets the hint, his mouth curling in a eureka moment that he managed to figure out himself without you talking

“oH! so that’s why you’re asking me because you’re thinking of giving him an actual chance.”

alright finally

you slump in relief over not saying it out loud, expressing the slightest bit of worry you have to someone (that's not as close to you like yoongi and jin are) who'd get where you're coming from without bias

“i just wanna know how he usually is when he’s not on my heels.”

“honestly? the same. probably even a bit more clingier.”

jimin wastes no time in ratting jungkook out, even leaning back to the couch with how relaxed he is

“talks about you too. i’m sorry y/n but even i know what shampoo you use!!!”

jimins knows your wHAT

"my shampoo???"

“mhmm. made me drive him to a grocery store at 10 in the evening so he can individually smell all the shampoos without anyone calling him a creep or something like that,” he nods earnestly and doesn't look like he's playing with you or the sort

you're quite frozen and jungkook's roommate isn't at all fazed and is even pulling up pICTURES of their impromptu grocery trip

“he even made it in a scientific paper format. with the hypothesis and conclusion and everything.”

he points it out just in time when you swipe to jimin's hand holding a printed piece of paper with the document in the monitor right behind it, the next pictures being blurry because that's when jungkook freaked out

jimin gets his phone back but not without sending you the pictures you just saw even if you didn't ask for them, trying to hide the amusement in your eyes when you decide to scroll through them again later

“cut him some slack though. he’s never really had a girlfriend, y’know? or like even a crush. he’s just navigating it with his instincts and all the advice he gets.”

hold on a second

“... advice?”

he thought you'd never ask (he'll still say it even if you don't) which is why he brightly grins, hunching over as if to let you in on a guarded secret

“i’m one of his consultants!!! didn’t suggest the shampoo part though.”

who could have possibly thought of that idea then ://

you hum in faux complacency, trying to get this as fast as possible so you could make up your mind quicker

“what else?”

jimin's relaxed now that he's had a proper laugh with you and realized you aren't as Intimidating As He Thought You Were, recounting the things in his mind like a to-do list

“he’s sickeningly kind.”

the gravity of his words strike him before they do with you, straightening his posture to clear up the air right away, “but i knoW that what he did to you is the furthest thing from kind, and trust me, i really got that point across!!!”

by point, jimin means cooking him burnt meals and jungkook having to endure it because he doesn't like wasting food

additionally, that also meant jimin served kook a cRISP smack on the back of his boba ball head into next week

look at him <3 seokjin, yoongi AND jimin gave him shit!!! now isn;t that teamwork

you're unable to paint the mental image in your head because he continues, grabbing your attention once again

“but apart from that, jungkook could just be too kind for his own sake,” he says sincerely. “he’s like the kid the principal refers to in elementary when they talk about peer pressure!!!”

your first instinct is to snort at that, the mental image definitely forming in your head now

is it just sO bad that you and jimin agree on this

“jokes aside, jungkook’s really genuine.”

it's the last thing jimin wraps it off with when you stand from the couch, cheeks still a little warm when he trails you behind the door

you're just about to thank him when the door in front of you opens and almost hits you in the process, the person behind it just as alarmed

jungkook’s just now coming home because he had to pick up some last-minute groceries from the convenience store downstairs that jimin forgot from his last run, clearly startled to why would wou be here

"oH???? y/n??? what are you doing here???"

his pupils are shaking between the two of you and he's not even trying to hide is incoming panic

“.... a-are you and jimin-“

“yup! sorry bud! we were just-...” jimin's attempt at a lighthearted joke is halted as fast as it was introduced, getting a smack on the middle of his back that makes him wince

“you’re annoying, jimin."

oOOOOH you just put your palm on him!! yea at this rate he's gonna be your best friend too won't he

jungkook's processing things as fast as he could, getting a reassuring glance from you that puts him at ease

“we were just talking, kook.”

he nods even if he's still a tiny bit unsure, calling for you when you're on your way out the door

“a-about what though?”

:-)

“you’d know soon enough.”

( ♡ )

“you wanna tell me now why we went on this drive?”

seokjin yawns at a stoplight even when his car is the only one waiting on the intersection right now, not in the mood for a ticket with a printed traffic light picture of him mid-yawn in his matching pajamas anytime soon

“no reason," you sing-song and it makes him snort, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. “couldn’t sleep."

“well that makes one of us.”

you've unabashedly knocked on jin's door and even if it took you two tries, he still answered nonetheless, not even asking for an explanation why before he sleepily took his keys and grabbed his house slippers for shoes

you had no destination in mind at 3 in the morning which is why jin’s just driving for no rhyme nor direction and is just going with his brain’s one-second impulses of where to turn

he’s game for anything, actually — that much you know

although you do know that jin literally wouldn't do this for anyone else besides the people he find worth all this (aka everyone except you and yoongi and ok maybe namjoon sometimes)

the drive is beyond serene and even with repetitive radio music playing in the background, you don't actually mind it

when you're with jin, it just feels like you're in a constant bubble of comfort and ease that you always try to look for in everything

he doesn't necessarily need explanations,, he just deduces from things at face-value and later ask about it when you're comfortable enough to share

jin points at a drive-thru he suddenly had a craving for as you were about to suggest it anyway

you're not even quite sure why there's a line but neither of you complain, the situation more than bearable that a little waiting wouldn't dampen your mood

the words you've been thinking of the whole day finally slip across the silence, as casual yet as sincere as they could be

“i’m really thankful that you’re in my life, jin. you know that right?”

he seems pleasantly surprised when you look at his side profile, shaking his head

“mhmm. you only tell me a couple times but you put your knee on top of mine everyday,” he chuckles at the habit of yours and he kNOWS for a fact you would put your knee on top of his if only he wasn't behind the wheel. “tell me all about it, kid.”

it's genuine laughter that encompasses the whole car, his chuckles suddenly ceasing when he realizes another possibility

“you’re not asking me for allowance, are you? because yoongi’s already bugging me for his next month’s.”

wait what

“you give yoongi an allowance???”

“you didn’t know???”

:///

“... i’m not asking for an allowance.”

“..... but do you want it,.,..”

jin sees you pursing your lips and intentionally looking at everywhere but him, already getting his answer

“fine. that’s the furthest you two could get from me!! don’t expect me to pack your lunchboxes to school now. you must be crazy.”

jin, in fact, packs you and yoongi lunchboxes more often than not

jin, aLSO, does all the paper rolling for you so when the three of u get occasionally high, it’s all nice and tight

jin is also the one who does all the talking on the phone to customer service when neither of you are willing

he asks the moment he relays your usual midnight snack slash early breakfast order he's already memorized to the attendant, patiently looking at you

“you want anything else with that?”

“i’m all good.”

it's in between cars and stoplights that the car is filled with more emotion again, acting on it when you realize it when seokjin's mid-bite on his hashbrowns

“jin?”

“yes?” he speaks muffled, looking at you once before bringing his attention back on the changing stoplight

“love you.”

he feels himself still for a second even if his foot's on the gas and one hand is on the wheel, a somber look on his face that he later smiles sincerely

“love you too, kid.”

( ♡ )

“it’s not my birthday if that’s what you’re thinking.”

yoongi sleepily mumbles the moment he feels his bed dipping, his side that was once holding a pillow now being occupied by you

“i know.”

you wedge yourself between his heavy comforter, tossing and turning until it feels comfortable

“but i actually don’t know your birthday lol it’s-...”

“fuck right off.”

yoongi doesn't question why you're in his bed, because the last time you did, it was because you were left traumatized after seeing a genuinely good horror movie that it was pending to give you nightmares

he didn't see you watch any movie today though, but he'll take you in nonetheless

“kidding.”

you offer in consolation because yoongi's birthday is in your calendar even if you know it by heart, a mindless hum in reply

it's when you drop your arm on his waist like it's dead weight and relax completely, your face near to his mop of hair that it's making him think you're actually cuddling him rn

quick how can he get a picture of this to get this framed

“are you telling me now?”

he questions with his eyes half-open, shimmying backwards so that you're able to hug him more comfortably

“my airconditioner’s busted.”

“mhmm. give me ten minutes. i’ll fix it for you.”

it's 4 am and if your airconditioner really was busted, you wouldn't have let it stay busted for that long

“don’t. it’s okay. i wanna be here anyways.”

both you and yoongi know that your airconditioner’s in tip-top shape and is actually the one that blows the coldest air in the dorm

sometimes you think he’s an angel in disguise because there’s no way you deserve a human best friend like him

“yoongs?”

“hmm?” he hums before he falls asleep again, trying to keep up while having his eyes closed so he could listen to you

“you know that i’m really glad you’re in my life, right?”

“mhmm. you don’t say, sweets," he teasingly chuckles, feeling his ribcage rise in amusement under your arm

“fuck-“

“yeah, i know. i do, because you put me as your family member in your emergency contacts, but you don’t know that i know that.”

... oh

you don't even know how yoongi came to know but you don't question it, the warmth in your heart doubling

“love you.”

“love you too, y/n.”

( ♡ )

jungkook’s the most nervous he’s been in awhile

and that’s coming from him who sees yoongi in almost a daily basis

after all, jin did tell him you can be quite forgetful becasue you tend to take care of things all at once

he’ll sTILL try to be as smooth and casual as much as possible though

“big game tomorrow huh?”

and by big game that means as in your last qualifying game to whether or not your team would compete in the yearly (not to mention prestigious) soccer tournament

you chuckle at the thought because by now, you should already be sleeping and getting some rest even if it’s just seven in the evening

but you’re here <3 out at a park near jungkook’s dorm, sharing hand warmers <3

“yeah. it’s a make or break match.”

“i actually haven’t seen you play before, y’know," jungkook silently admits, looking down on his shoes as he thinks if he's just offended you

“really?” you ask in genuine curiosity, “then how come you interviewed me for your little survey when you haven’t watched me play before?”

tHAT

“i uh, i actually just really wanted to talk to you that day. i-i don’t normally approach people first, but you just looked warm enough for me to reach out first.”

he's babbling before he even knows it, oblivious the growing smile on your face

“then i asked jimin because he kNOWS everything, and it was all in good fate that it turned out you were the soccer captain!! i was excited because i had a legitimate reason to talk to you that day.”

so that’s why

he wanted to talk to you even before his lunchboxes were taken out of the situation!!!

“how about me? why was it me?”

ahem

you're not trying to be funny but you can't help but chuckle, scratching the back of your ear in thought

“i honestly couldn’t tell either, jungkook.”

he almost coughs in shock, masking it off with playing it off for the bite of the chill of the night

“all i know is that something told me it was you,” you timidly add, looking down on your hands. “and i went for it.”

right can he chalk up mad blushing to the night air

he fiddles with the drawstrings of his sweatpants this time, his eye contact with you becoming fidgety

“big game tomorrow,” he repeats and you're just about to tell him that your conversation sounds like it's gonna be repeated

“don’t forget your eyedrops, alright?”

....

was that smooth enough

“eyedrops?”

yeah

uhm

that was... random

“oh right! you gave them back to me.”

“yeah. you should open it tonight, probably. to see if it’s already all-evaporated, y’know? if it is, then let me know tomorrow so i can buy you new ones.”

“highly doubt that they would, but alright, kook.”

you take the little banter to be your cue to walk back to your dorm, about to say goodbye to him when he makes an audible sound of confusion

it confuses you even more when he's trailing behind you

“your dorm’s twenty feet away from where we are, jungkook.”

“y-yeah i know that!! i’m walking you home, silly.”

right!!

hee-hee

he’s keeping his hands to himself even if he BADLY wants to hold your hand or even your forearm but he has to resist that urge rn

but he does intentionally brush shoulders with you and mumble “pothole.” so he could nUDGE you to the side even if there aren’t any to begin with

silence with jungkook now is comfortable as it has been for more than awhile, the walk passing by faster that you almost wish you walked slower

goddamn it he should've said there was a pothole atleast ten more times to make the walk longer

“goodnight, koo.”

“goodnight, y/n.”

there’s obviously no goodnight kiss but he dOES get a squeeze on his bicep

you take your time when you come home — to unwind as much as you could before you stress yourself out tomorrow

your shower routine may have took a little longer this time but it makes you get dressed as quick as you could when your eyes see the origami box you've been putting off from opening, one that jungkook just told you to open, because as far as you knew they were just EYEDROPS!!!

... the supposed bottle of eyedrops that’s too well-packaged and clearly thought-out

an origami box, a carebear heart initial drawstring pouch AND a plain ziplock baggie as if the other two weren’t enough

it’s when you open the box within the ziplock bag that you feel it’s definitely not as light as a bottle of eyedrops would be

there’s a very visible dent weighing down on the pouch (that’s within the origami box) that’s cLEARLY not your eyedrops

you’re actually nervous to the point that you just open unfurl it with your eyes closed, feeling two items in there

the plastic bottle of eyedrops, and definitely the cool surface of what feels like

a bracelet?

it’s a pretty straightforward yet timelessly elegant silver link bracelet, equipped with a couple options for how tight or loose you want to wear it

it hits you all at once and god does it just render you speechless

jungkook has this bracelet too.

you’re quite speechless and in between looking at it up-close to avoiding looking at it at all, trying to calm your breathing by focusing on the eyedrops instead

the said eyedrops you've been so used to seeing that you immediately sense that there's something oFF with the label???

its stuck-on, that's for sure, but something about it is not as seamless and stationary and official as it should be

it's almost as if there's something snuck inside it and-

...

..... there is

it's scotch tape that's just as thin as the actual label of the bottle itself, having to peel the whole label in order to see it in entirety

it's the same double-sided label jungkook worked so hard to peel flawlessly so he could try and replicate it in the same exact design and measurements, having to even take it up to a classmate from stem he once knew that transferred to graphic design

(yeonjun did ask for a science paper in exchange for his replication of the eyedrops slash adhesive label because who fucking kNEW he still had science even when in graphic design, but jungkook thinks it's fair trade so it's worth it)

it's the same exact label jungkook's had for a month and only recently gave it to you a week ago, a truth he's long since known

it's the same exact label that reads —

i love you

— in his handwriting you've come to known by heart, the label in your hand feeling much more heavy than the bracelet in the other

you already know what to do.

it's game day and u are about to launch yourself into orbit if you hear oNE more drum cheer because it just makes you nervous even more

yeah SURE it makes you pumped when it's the actual game itself but not now!!! not now when you're pumping yourself with electrolytes and at the risk of peeing from nervousness and too much hydration

you haven't seen seokjin nor yoongi yet and as much as that lessens the pressure on you, that alsO makes you nervous because they're your emotional support people!!!! where r they

usually you would see them in the front row of the bleachers and neither of them have any snacks because all of their focus would be on you

jin is nOT mr. kim from student affairs when it comes to your games,,, nuh-uh sir,,, he's that guy from the other team that glares so hard it dISTRACTS me from scoring in the perspective of the opposing team

coach's about to whistle like five minutes from now for a final huddle and everyone's getting their final stretches in

you're too busy looking for people that you actually want to be here that you're taken off-guard when one of them grasps at your forearm, a breathless smile one his face

"give them hell out there, alright. you're a champ."

it's jungkook!!!

IT'S JUNGKOOK!!!!@&$&":@:"$

he looks especially handsome today that you just short-circuit immediately

he's wearing a shirt with your team colors on it aND!!!

he ditched his glasses today to wear contacts, not only because he wanted to look a bit more different and special today, but because he's also scared that a ball would be thrown in his direction and injure him with the additional impact of his glasses

his hair's pushed back with his forehead showing instead of his usual hairstyle and god is it making you a little dizzy

he's beaming at you and his eyes immediately wander to your wrist, not expecting the feeling in his gut next

you're not wearing the bracelet.

jungkook feels the sudden urge to cry even when in public but it's when you grip at his forearm tightly that he stays still, squeaking when you realize his line of thought

"can't wear any jewelry on the field. i-i'm wearing your bracelet as an anklet for the meantime, it's underneath my sock."

...

....

...... oh my god

jungkook's never felt this frozen and euphoric at the same time, sputtering over nothing when your face looks like the furthest thing from joking

you're about to excuse yourself suddenly when your eyes finally take notice what's thrown on his shoulder, something about it being so familiar that it throws you off for awhile

"is that my jersey?"

he nods eagerly to your query, proudly unfolding it for you to see your spare soccer jersey with your surname and number right on it, the exact marks being the same from when you tried to use a laundry pen on it

he didn't get it replicated???

"h-how did you get that? where did you get that?"

jungkook thought you'd never ask, the words he never thought he'd say already leaving his lips

"yoongi gave it to me."

you only have a handful of jerseys on-hand and even if you could always request for more, the ones you have at home are a little more sentimental

you gave jin and yoongs one each from the only several ones you had, and you know yoongi would not give up his for jungkook

but now, you do know that he snuck to your closet and took one to give it to jungkook willingly, trusting him enough to give it to you behind your back

kook's sTILL not fully-forgiven but they're getting there sooner or later

wait why is this making you cry

before you know it, you're pushing yourself to jungkook to hug him tightly, the boy being surprised for a second but ultimately reciprocating once it registers

"i love you too."

this is the last chronological update for stem koo aka lunchbox lovers!! however, this is not the end of them!! with the end of this chronological series, this means that all the future updates don't necessarily have to be linked — they're miscellaneous and don't have to follow a specific layout like this part of their arc.

with that said, feel free to send in asks on what you want to see from the lunchbox lovers (misc. requests, questions, and everything in between) and i'd love to fulfill them because after all, this series was born purely out of your ideas <3 also pls send in ur thoughts and feedback and love because i have da greatest time reading through all of them!! thank you for all the love for da stem koo universe <3

#stem koo #CAN YOU BELIEVEEEEEEEE #jungkook imagine #jungkook oneshot #jungkook oneshots #jungkook au #jungkook college au #jungkook x reader #jungkook x y/n #jungkook series #jungkook x you #jungkook fluff imagine #jungkook fluff #jungkook angst imagine #jungkook angst #jungkook fic rec #jungkook drabble #stem jungkook

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thefirsttree · 3 years

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A personal update + my next game

OK, time to do this. I’ve been meaning to do a big DAVID WEHLE™ update for a while now and explain why I haven’t released a new game yet, but you know how life gets in the way. Especially when life is a quarantine hellscape, you have three beautiful, amazing, exhausting kids to raise, a spouse’s job you support, a viral YouTube channel that turns your brain to mush, a thousand emails waiting in your inbox since your game is free on the Epic Games Store (with an impressive number of redemptions too! … meaning lots of emails and customer support issues), etc., etc. What also contributes to my lack of updates is because… I just don’t really like posting online. Fascinating correlation, I know!

Don’t worry, this isn’t going to be a venting/ranting blog post (well, maybe a bit), because my life is seriously AMAZING and INSANELY BLESSED and LUCKY. I can’t believe how many dreams keep coming true, so much so that I feel I don’t deserve it and I really pulled the wool over everyone’s eyes… but I did want to at least be honest, because I owe that to myself.

Wow, where do I even begin? Well, how about we start with the reason I’m even a full-time indie game dev now: The First Tree. This small hobby project I worked on at night morphed into this gargantuan beast (or fox) that took over my life the past 5 years. Which is great! I’m living the dream! And yet, I really didn’t expect it to do as well as it did. At its core, my game is a slow-paced, sad walking simulator (ahem, I prefer the term “exploration game,” but you know what I mean) that somehow seemed to launch at the right time to the right audience. It resonated deeply with some of you, and for that I’m eternally grateful. I still get emails almost daily how my game changed their lives in some formative way. I’m beyond honored.

However, with that spotlight came criticism and demands from the ever-present, insatiable internet. I would randomly be surfing the gamedev subreddit trying to decompress, and I would see a comment by some rando saying how much I didn’t deserve my success, and how it was all one huge lucky fluke. And I believed them!

And to add to it, some devs considered me an indie marketing “guru”, which I was uncomfortable with. I worked hard to market my game every week, and after my GDC talk, people assumed marketing was my passion; the reason I got up every morning. Just to clarify… NO, I don’t like marketing, and I hate being the center of attention. I don’t like asking people for money and wishlists. But I did what was necessary because I was passionate about telling stories, and I wanted to give my story a fighting chance to be seen on the crowded pages of Steam.

So now, you’re probably wondering “well then David, why did you make fancy YouTube videos showing off your success? Not very modest if you ask me.” This honestly could be a long blog post all on its own, because my experience of putting myself in the spotlight and becoming a “content creator” is… complicated. It was an unusual step for me, especially since I never even showed my face online (as a game developer) until my GDC talk.

First off, I always wanted to teach and start a YouTube channel. I love video editing, especially since I’ve been doing it longer than making games! It’s a huge passion of mine. And teaching people who didn’t know they could make and finish games was a huge motivator (and it’s been so rewarding already). But the second reason is, I was scared. I was self-employed, and I was riding the success of a “huge lucky fluke” that would probably not happen again. I wanted to make sure I could provide for my amazing family, and give them food and health insurance and security in these tumultuous times. I was turning my lifelong passions and hobbies into a business, and it wasn’t as simple of a mental transition as I thought.

So, I went all in on YouTube and the accompanying online course called Game Dev Unlocked. I spent years editing the scripts and videos, and polishing them to a shine. At first, no one watched my videos, no one was buying… and in the blink of an eye, the YouTube algorithm picked up my main autobiographical video (“How Making Indie Games Changed My Life”), and I started getting 5,000 subscribers a day. Right now, I’m at 150,000 subs, which is still hard for me to believe. I always had a dream of earning 100k subs on YouTube, so I was pretty happy with the whole thing. Sales were OK, but mostly people didn’t want to buy the course. Then the emails came in…

Something you should know about me: I am a textbook “people pleaser,” and if someone asks for my help, I take it very seriously. If someone is mad at me, even if I didn’t do anything wrong, it’s all I can think about, and it ruins my day. So, taking an onslaught of people begging for help and multiplying that by an impossible amount of people for my brain to truly comprehend thanks to the internet… and let’s just say it wasn’t a healthy mix.

I received thousands of emails from people who were begging me for some kind of reassurance that everything would be OK. That their dreams would come true too. And I wanted to help every single one of them. I went from a nobody working on a game for fun to becoming a spokesperson for the indie game dream. I couldn’t even get a shake from the Chick-Fil-A drive-thru without someone recognizing me and asking for game dev advice. And it didn’t stop there… I would get emails from suicidal kids asking for help, teenagers from Afghanistan asking me to get them out of their country, and on one occasion I received an email from a hopeful game developer in a war-torn country who had just experienced a bomb blowing up their neighboring village. His friends were dead, and he was hoping he could finish a game before he died too, and he needed my help. How do you say no to something like that? Didn’t I owe it to everyone because I was lucky with my hit game and I needed to “pay it forward”? (Something people constantly reminded me of)

And then to top it off, after you’ve given everything you’ve got to other people in need… you get hate mail in your inbox. You spend the whole day serving your children and strangers on the internet, then when the kids are finally asleep, you hit the bed to relax and take a look at your phone to decompress, and you randomly come across an angry gamer in your Twitter mentions telling you your game they got for free sucks, and that you took away a potentially great game from them and that your apology isn’t good enough.

Long story short, I went to a mental therapist for the first time in my life. I was broken trying to care for two toddlers and a new baby in a pandemic (which is very, very hard), taking care of my course students who gave me their hard-earned money and demanded results, and the countless people begging for help on the internet. I was this introverted, internet-lurker trying to take on the weight of the world. I was so tired and hurt that no one cared about me and my needs… only what I could do for them.

Quitting my day job and making this hobby my full-time job has stirred up… mixed emotions. This statement may disturb some of you, but I was definitely 100% happier when I had a full-time job and I was working on my game at night. I missed working with the amazing team at The VOID, working on Star Wars… back when the success of my game was this abstract thing I could only daydream about. Mostly, I was making my game for me with no outside expectations to pay the bills or satisfy the ever-demanding internet, and that brought me a lot of joy.

It’s not all doom and gloom though! I’m actually very happy now and in the best shape I’ve been since the pandemic started. I’ve had to confront my weaknesses and personality quirks, but I’m a better person for it (and I’m sure these issues would’ve come out eventually). I hired an awesome community manager for Game Dev Unlocked who is helping SO MUCH with the emails, I can’t even tell you the mental burden it alleviates. I even leased a co-working office to help separate work from my home, and that’s been a huge help too. I’ve decided to work with my old friends from The VOID on a cool, new VR experience. It will take me away from my projects a bit, but I’m ecstatic to work with a great team again (and not manage anything, whew).

These are all things I would’ve never guessed I needed, because I thought I knew myself pretty well… turns out I didn’t.

The reality is: running a business is HARD. Running it solo is even harder. You have to remember, I was burnt out on The First Tree well into the Steam release in 2017, but I kept working on it for 4 more years due to my fears of failing again and not earning enough money for my family.

So, I was wrestling with the age-old concept of commercialism and art. There was this dichotomy of doing whatever I wanted and being true to my vision (what most people assume the indie dev dream is like), and doing only what customers wanted to buy. This is something that has killed me with YouTube… in one specific instance, I was super excited to make the exact video I wanted to make. I loved every part of its creation, and I thought it had a message that would inspire everyone. I lovingly edited it over several weeks, posted it, and excitedly waited for the stats… and it was by far my worst performing video.

This is not a new problem. Even the Sistine Chapel by Michelangelo was a commission forced upon him by the very violent Pope Julius II. My wife and I regularly talk about the fine balance between artistic integrity and commercialism, a problem she is very familiar with as an artist who constantly needs to balance what she wants to make with what the customer wants to hang up in their home.

For The First Tree, I was lucky. It was pretty much what I wanted to make (I had to compromise a lot of things of course), and it turned out millions of people wanted it too. Recently, I thought the safe business decision would be to do it all over again, so I started work on a spiritual successor to The First Tree (an idea that I may revisit one day since I do love the story idea). But that isn’t happening anytime soon. Trust me when I say I am now currently burnt out on animal exploration games.

So that realization left me with a question: what do I do next?

I’ve decided I need to make a game that I want to make, for me. It will be a bit different and I’m almost certain most fans of The First Tree will not love it… but it’s an idea that gets me super excited. It’s an idea that could help me fall in love with game development again.

A few more details: this game will be story-driven, first-person, and will use the Unreal Engine. That means development is gonna be slow going, because I have to learn a whole new tool. The “smart business” decision would be to make something quickly in Unity which I’m already familiar with… but I want to do this for me, and UE5 looks like a lot of fun. I’m also shooting for an early-ish release date so I avoid burn out and I keep the game short: I want to release it in Fall 2022, but knowing game development, it will probably take longer.

With the help of my therapist, I’ve also concluded that I’ve been too accessible on the internet and that my self-worth isn’t determined by the amount of people I try to help online. Of course, I love helping people and seeing them succeed, but I need to step back and focus on my family and myself. I will delete my social media apps on my phone (I will still post big updates occasionally) and stop responding to most emails, tweets, DMs, etc. It’s not that I’m ungrateful… in fact, if I don’t say thank you or at least acknowledge the incredibly nice people who share a sweet message about my game or want to tell me how I inspire them (still hard for me to believe, lol), I feel a ton of guilt… but I need to let that go. Please know I’m extremely grateful to all the fans who follow my work, so even if I don’t thank you directly, I truly mean it: thank you.

I will still post and stream occasionally on YouTube when I want to (and I still do live Q&A’s for my GDU students). The online course sales will help support my family as I work on a potentially risky game idea (and my new job will help alleviate the risk too). I’m gonna try one more marketing experiment and sell a mini-course soon (and add an Unreal section), and after that I’m done working on it. A gigantic thank you to the people who bought my course and are part of the amazing community, it has helped me and my family tremendously, and it’s inspiring seeing the games you make!

I’m a bit worried about the whole thing since this new game idea could flop, which could definitely affect my family. But a sappy, high-school yearbook quote is coming to mind… I think it applies here: “A ship in harbor is safe—but that is not what ships are built for.”

Thanks for reading,

David

#gamedev #indie games #the first tree

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thebigqueer · 3 years

Text

"Fellas, Is It Gay to Perform Necromancy on Your Ex-Crush?" - Valgrace (1/2)

Summary: Nico decides to help Leo reach out to Jason.

Notes: This is a 2-part story because I made it too long lol. Also it's technically valgrace but it features nico & leo more (for this first chapter).

Read on AO3

The firelight flickers over Leo’s features as he sticks his marshmallow stick into it. Despite the warm company of flames, goosebumps still rise against his bare arms as a gust of wind pushes through the evening air.

He sighs. Piper’s been gone for too long, and he’s getting lonely on his own. He could easily move across to the other side of the amphitheater and sit with his siblings, but right now, Leo really just wants to be with his best friend. He hasn’t seen her in a long while and it’s been nice catching up with her.

The marshmallow’s lightness gives way to darkness as it chars in the fire. Leo considers bringing it closer again, but he figures it might be better to let it continue roasting. He likes the taste of burnt marshmallows.

So did Jason, Leo thinks wistfully. Then he scolds himself for even thinking about the late demigod.

It’s been months since he’s has died. Leo should be over it by now; he should have moved past it. But he hasn’t.

It’s hard to forget when every time he thinks about Jason, he can only remember the secrets he kept from him.

Leo scrubs a tired hand across his face. He needs to stop thinking about him. Jason’s in the past, and in front of Leo is only the future. He can’t keep himself tied to what could have been, but instead focus his attention on what can be.

Besides, Nico’s already sent in those holograms that Leo made Jason while he was trying to find his way back to the real world. That alone has released the demigod of some of his guilt; at least Jason’s going to finally know how he feels.

But it’s not enough. Leo needs to talk to Jason. He needs to let go of him for once and for all.

The marshmallow in the fire blazes. Its whiteness bubbles and boils in the flames, then hardens into black crust. Leo almost laughs. How metaphorical.

The crunch of footsteps snaps the demigod’s attention, and he turns to the sound of it. Expecting it to be Piper, Leo offers a false grin to the approacher and gears up a joke to exclaim. Upon closer inspection, however, his eyebrows jump in surprise and anxiety - as well as a little bewilderment - hum in his blood.

A teenage demigod stalks towards him, his dark, feathery hair fluttering in the cool air. Silver tips gleam in the firelight at the ends of it. Abysmal obsidian eyes bear into Leo’s own, and a knowing, embarrassed smile cracks against the hero’s face.

“Nico,” Leo murmurs into the quiet. “Hi.”

“Hey,” he responds. His deep, glass-like voice resonates in the air and pierces into Leo’s ears. “Mind if I sit?”

Leo scoots over to make room for him, offering a confused but nonetheless welcoming look. “Sure. Cool hair, by the way.”

Nico smiles. “Thanks. I did it after a mental breakdown.”

“Sounds ideal.”

“It wasn’t.”

“Oh.”

After an uncomfortable pause, in which Leo turns back to his marshmallow in embarrassment and Nico picks on his jeans, the son of Hephaestus asks, “What brings you here?”

“I live at camp,” the demigod says blandly.

Leo rolls his eyes. “Not what I meant.”

Nico’s dark eyes glimmer with amusement. Despite Leo’s melancholic state just seconds before, a flutter of relief overcomes his heart. He and Nico haven’t talked much since he’s gotten back, but he’s glad to see that the demigod looks a lot more… comfortable here, for lack of a better word. He looks like he’s found his place.

“I know,” Nico says. “I’m actually here to talk to you.”

Leo nods. He’s been expecting this. “About the holograms I asked you to send Jason?”

The other demigod shrugs. “I’m a curious person. I’m just wondering what’s up with that. Totally fine if you don’t want to talk about it, though. But, you know, seeing how you asked me to travel to the Underworld specifically just to do that… Can’t help but be a little anxious about whatever it is that I gave him.”

Leo nods again, but this time a trickle of anxiety runs down his back. His shoulders rise and fall in a shrug.

“I don’t mind talking about it,” he says. Leo turns his gaze to Nico and offers him a pointed stare. “Besides, I think more than anyone, you might know what I’m talking about.”

If Nico understands what he means, he doesn’t show it. He remains still and patient, unsurprised, as if he’s expecting whatever Leo’s about to say before he even says it.

The son of Hephaestus sighs. He pulls his marshmallow stick back from the fire, but he doesn’t make a move to take the sweet substance off. His mind wanders back to so many nights ago, when he, Jason, and Piper had been sitting in this exact place, telling each other scary campfire stories and laughing when any of them cracked a joke.

It’s amazing how much has changed within a year.

“Listen, Nico,” Leo begins, his voice strangling itself, “I just want to start by saying that… I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you on the ship. I wish I could have been a better person to you then. But I guess I was dealing with my own stuff, and I was kinda blinded by my own issues to see that others around me were having troubles too. So I’m sorry about being inconsiderate to you.”

Nico waves his hand by way of dismissing the apology. “It’s fine. I understand that. My problems didn’t need to be of your concern, and I’m sure there were things that I could have helped you with that I hadn’t. Don’t feel sorry, Leo. You were dealing with your own issues.”

Leo shakes his head. “But it’s… I…” He groans and runs a hand through his hair in frustration. “It’s more than just me being sorry. I just wish I’d let you know you weren’t entirely alone. In terms of being, like, confused about your… identity, I mean.” His heart flutters in his chest as he turns again to Nico, anticipating the demigod’s reaction to his admittance. He’s not sure if he’s come off as direct as he needs to be.

Nico frowns. “You mean, like, me being gay? What does that have to do with this?” he asks defensively.

Leo notes the way his voice hitches at the word “gay,” like he’s still trying to taste the way it feels around his mouth. Nico shifts the tiniest bit away from him, as if he’s fleeing from judgment. The sight of it creates a crack against Leo’s heart; he doesn’t want Nico to feel like he’s being criticized.

“What I’m trying to say,” Leo says in what he hopes is a calming voice, “is that… I know what it was like. I mean, I don’t know what it was like to be you specifically, but I get that anxiety over your sexuality. I… I went through something similar.”

For a moment, it seems as though Nico doesn’t fully understand. His eyebrows curve into the center as he absorbs Leo’s words. Confusion sparks against his eyes. But after a moment - a moment in which Leo’s eyes bear deeper into Nico’s, begging him to comprehend - understanding flashes against the son of Hades’ features. “Oh,” he murmurs. “So… Are you saying…”

Leo nods. “I’m… queer. I know you and I haven’t had the same experiences with our sexualities, or even in general, but just know that… I wish I could have done more to reach out to you.” He shrugs. “Maybe we could have helped each other out.”

Nico offers a hesitant smile. “Yeah. I guess so. Wish I’d known, too. But… I’m honored you told me. Admitting this kind of stuff can take a lot of courage, as I’m sure you know. I’m glad you’ve come to some kind of conclusion about yourself.”

“You too, man,” Leo says. “I’m glad that you’ve found a way to move on from your fears of yourself. I’m not sure where you stand in terms of your confidence, but just know that we’re all proud of you. We all support you.”

Nico’s smile widens, just a bit, and that’s enough to make Leo’s heart skip a beat. He’s never seen Nico look so sure of himself, but the sight of it makes Leo excited, too. It gives him hope that maybe someday, he’ll be able to reach that level of assurance.

Not today. But someday.

Nico rolls his eyes. “Enough of this cheesy stuff. What does this have to do with those holograms?”

Leo shifts in his seat, contemplating what to say and how to say it. His chest thrums with a sudden burst of anxiety at the very prospect of admitting to Nico something that took him so long to do to himself. How will Nico even take the news? Would he make fun of Leo? Would he tell him Leo’s feelings are a mere joke?

Will he understand?

Leo’s chest expands as he takes a deep breath. He knows he’ll feel better when he tells someone about why he’s done what he’s done. He’s kept this in for too long.

The son of Hephaestus plays with his fingers in his lap, if only to get a distraction from the world around him. “I… I really… I liked Jason,” he murmurs. “I spent a lot of time pining for him. But I also spent a lot of time hating myself for liking him.”

Nico’s eyebrows lower and he offers a considerate, empathetic nod. “Yeah, I know what you mean.”

Leo turns his gaze to the son of Hades. Sincerity sparkles in Nico’s eyes, and an urging look covers his features. Leo’s anxiety lulls itself as he sees the understanding; at least the son of Hades isn’t judging him.

“Yeah,” Leo murmurs, “so that happened. It’s kind of why I decided to date Calypso. I just wanted to… forget about my feelings for him, you know? But that wasn’t fair to her or me, because in a way I kind of used her. We’re broken up now, though, which I think is better for both of us. Still good friends.”

Nico offers a polite nod.

“Anyway,” continues Leo, “I was getting tired of keeping that secret in. So you know how I sent that hologram to you?” When Nico nods again, Leo takes that as a sign to go on. “Yeah, so I tried doing something similar to Jason. Except for him, I kind of just kept all those holograms for myself. They were mostly used for therapeutic purposes, just so I could get a better understanding of myself.” Leo sighs and runs a shaky hand through his hair. His hollow chest thrums with guilt at the thought of the holograms; they contained so many secrets that he couldn’t give up, not even to the person they were intended to be given to. “I meant to give it to Jason,” he promises, “but he…”

In a quick second, memories of Jason sear Leo’s mind. His gleaming hair, his awkward smile. The way his laugh would echo around Leo and envelop him in happiness.

He was perfect. He was everything Leo wished he could be.

He was everything Leo wished he could have.

Leo bites his bottom lip. A surge of hot tears crash against his eyes, and it takes all his strength to prevent them from pouring out.

Nico shifts his body so that he’s closer to Leo. Not close enough to make either of them uncomfortable, but enough so that Leo knows he’s not alone. “It’s okay,” he whispers. “I get it now.”

Leo nods. Despite his efforts to keep his emotions in check, a tear still manages to slip out. It flashes in the orange firelight and drips from his face, bursting onto the green grass below.

Through a choked voice, he whispers, “I just… needed him to have those holograms. I needed him to know the truth. I didn’t want him to leave this world without… without knowing that there was someone who loved him in that way.”

“You needed to let go of your ghost,” Nico murmurs in understanding. “You needed to move on.”

Leo nods.

“Did it work, at least?” asks Nico. “Do you feel better now that you’ve given it to him?”

The son of Hephaestus opens his mouth to speak, but silence strangles his voice. Taking a deep breath, he whispers, “It’s not enough. I need… I need more. I need to actually confront him.”

Leo turns his head to Nico, a pleading look in his eyes. He hopes Nico understands what he’s asking.

The child of Hades’ eyes widen in surprise. “Are you asking me to take you to the Underworld?” he asks. “Look, Leo, I’m not sure-”

Leo shakes his head and waves his hands dismissively. “No, no, I’m too exhausted for adventures. I just want some time without all that excitement. But I just… I’m wondering if maybe there’s a way that I can contact him. And knowing that you’re a ghost whisperer…”

Nico’s eyes darken in the firelight. A cold, icy film covers them, and he fixes Leo with a stern look. “I can’t bring him back, Leo,” he says. “That’s not fair.”

Leo raises his palms defensively. “Hey, no, that’s not-”

“I’m not finished, though,” says Nico. An air of hesitance lingers in his words, and when he turns his dark eyes away from Leo, the latter’s heart skips a beat in anticipation. Excitement and anxiety roar in Leo’s ears. Will he agree to help?

Nico turns his face into the firelight, but he looks right through it. His mind wanders to some other place, some other world where Leo can’t reach him. The son of Hades’ olive fingers twitch in the glow of the flames.

Nico looks around, and as he does so, the silver tips of his hair flash in the firelight. A stern, anxious look pulls on his features.

“What is it?” Leo asks. “What were you going to say?”

Nico turns back to him. His dark eyes burn brightly in the firelight, flaming with excitement. In a hushed, hurried voice, he whispers, “Meet me in the woods tonight, right after the sing-along. Don’t worry about curfew, because I can shadow travel the two of us out. Don’t tell anyone you’re going there. I have a plan to help you.”

At Nico’s words, a gust of wind brushes between the two and chills Leo down to his core. His skin prickles with goosebumps once more, but he’s not sure if that’s because of the chilly air or because of Nico.

With one final skeptical look, the son of Hades stands to leave. But before he can, Leo asks, “Wait, what are you doing? What am I going to walk into?”

Nico pauses in his steps. His body freezes and he goes rigid, almost as if Leo’s question has shocked him.

Then he turns and, in the flicker of the firelight, a ghost of a smile haunts his lips. “You deserve to see him one last time, Leo. And you need to learn to let him go, because the more you keep holding onto his memory… the more you become a ghost of yourself. I can’t bear to see another friend go. Consider this a gift from me to you.” His hand lingers at his side, almost as if reaching for a sword that isn’t there. “Consider this a gift from one friend to another. That is, if you consider us friends.”

A ripple of surprise thrums in Leo’s blood. If there’s anything he didn’t expect tonight, it was to hear that Nico di Angelo considered him a friend.

But nonetheless, a relieved, grateful smile gleams against Leo’s mouth.

“Friends,” he promises. “I owe you one.”

Nico laughs. “Yeah, you do. I’ll see you in a bit.”

And with that, the demigod rushes off into the darkness, leaving Leo alone with only the flames for company.

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brideofedoras · 4 years

Text

Under Covers, pt 2

Rating: 18+

Warnings: mentions of masturbation, arousal and sex dreams

Word count: 2900+

Under Covers

Thank you all for the lovely responses to Under Covers, I know that surprise twist was evil of me (but I don’t regret it, it just felt right!). I received a few requests for a part two, and a suggestion for it to be Cooper’s POV.

So... here is Uncer Covers, as told by Cooper...

And, because I’m just as horny for William Cooper, there will be a part three! Mwuah! Love all of ya!

@urban-trek-thru-middle-earth @emily-strange @nora-hewlett @to-boldly-nope @pandaqueen7799 @bakerstreethound @portals-to-a-new-world @below-average-fangirl @writerdee1701 @ladyreapermc

Cooper reached for the travel mug in the console… but his fingers curled around nothing. A quick glance away from the early morning traffic showed an empty cup holder. “Well, that’s just typical,” he snarled grumpily.

His morning was off to a fan-fucking-tastic start, with a burnt Hot Pocket, his much-needed second cup of coffee forgotten on his desk at the office, and a restless night filled with some incredibly hot dreams of the only person he could one-hundred percent trust at work.

Ember.

She was a blessing, whether she knew it or not. Quiet, intelligent, efficient, with an uncanny ability to anticipate his needs. Beautiful. Sexy. A big flirt who had done a lot for his ego and self-esteem these past few months, and making him remember he was still a red-blooded man.

Last night’s solo sex on the back deck with a cigar and bourbon, fantasizing about having her on the glider swing or spread out on the patio table… bent over the deck railing…

“Down, dammit,” he glared down at his crotch when he felt that familiar stir.

Evidently that quick wank in the shower earlier hadn’t helped.

God, he hated waking up horny.

It was going to be a dreadfully, painfully, long weekend, he thought as he signalled to pull into the parking lot for Ember’s apartment building.

When the file detailing the op landed on his desk he had immediately known he would assign Ember as his partner. She did not have a lot of field experience, and had zero undercover experience, but she was a quick learner and self-sufficient. He’d seen her wipe the floor during hand-to-hand combat training under Kordesky (he was supposed to be teaching that course, but at the time he’d been recovering from busted ribs from an op gone wrong). Men three times her size hadn’t stood a chance.

It had both terrified him and turned him on.

But an entire weekend, maybe a tad longer, pretending to be a couple on a romantic getaway to nail a bad guy, with her…

Fuck, I’m screwed.

With a frustrated sigh he plucked his phone from the holder on the dash (strictly for GPS reasons) and pulled up the last text thread.

I’m outside.

His hazel eyes flickered to the old limestone building built in the ‘30s and remodeled, what, twenty years ago, into an apartment complex, wondering which part of the structure her apartment was in.

His phone chirped in his hand.

Be down in a minute.

He groaned, his eyes dropping to his zipper once more. I won’t.

If he survived the weekend, it would be a miracle.

He started to put the phone back on the clip when he realized he needed to tell her he wasn’t in his SUV.

Black Mercedes sedan.

Her response popped up a second later. No Porsche?

He chuckled. “No, no Porsche,” he mused out loud. He’d thought about it, the sweet little Roadster the CIA had confiscated a while back. Gorgeous car… but not ideal for a six hour drive to North Carolina.

Didn’t want to look like a man going through a midlife crisis, he texted back.

A classic sports car and a sexy young woman would most definitely make him look like he was. Well… so would the Mercedes, but it drove like a dream and wouldn’t kill his back or ass for the long trip.

You’re too young for a midlife crisis.

“Oh, you’re flirting, Sweetheart,” he groaned. He shook his head to clear it before pressing his hand hard against his crotch. “Behave, dammit, stay down.”

He had no idea when he’d find the opportunity to handle that particular issue. The little bungalow on the beach they’d be calling home for the next few days only had one bedroom. Light, airy, lots of windows and a door opening out onto a veranda, a king size bed--

He pulled himself from his thoughts when he saw Ember step out of the building.

“Fuck.”

God damn was he screwed.

Ember was dressed in a snug, scoop neck tank top and cutoff shorts that showed off her long legs.

Legs he’d dreamed of wrapped around his hips. Draped over his shoulders. Hooked over his elbows.

“Now is not the time to rehash your favorite fantasies, William,” he scolded himself as he climbed out of the car. He took the opportunity to adjust himself and straighten his plaid shirt to try to conceal the ridge in his jeans before he walked around to the trunk to open it.

Did she nearly trip over her own feet?

He kept that question to himself as he took her suitcase from her and stowed it next to his. He carefully shut the lid before turning his attention on Ember.

“Get in the car, Kid.”

She immediately bristled before storming off.

Oh shit, he sighed heavily as he watched her yank open the passenger door. He quickly rounded the car to climb into the driver’s seat. “Easy there, Tiger,” he looked over at her. “You okay?”

She shut the door and buckled up before taking in a deep breath.

Yeah, Cooper, you hit the wrong damn button by accident, he realized. Better salvage this and fast!

“Yeah. Sleepless night.” Her smile was faker than the phony IDs his buddy had made for them in high school.

Yup, wrong button.

He frowned in sympathy. “Worried about the op?” He was giving her a bullshit excuse for her temper flareup and he knew it, but he also knew Ember would not admit him calling her “kid” had upset her.

Her smile fell, allowing him to see how tired she was. “You could say that.”

“You’ve got the easy job,” he reminded her as he started the car. “Look pretty, flirt, be coy.”

Inwardly he flinched. Wow, Cooper. That was smooth.

“You call that easy?” The blush staining her cheeks was downright adorable. “I can’t flirt my way out of a paper bag if I tried!”

He grinned. Either she’s in denial about flirting or she’s clueless that she’s a natural.

“‘Your tie brings out the gold in your eyes, Boss’ ring a bell? Or ‘You’ve got a bit of powdered sugar on your cheek’?”

God, he could still feel her hand cupping his jaw and her thumb brushing over his cheekbone.

Her blush grew brighter. “A compliment and a gentle warning before a meeting are hardly flirting!”

“You were flirting,” he grinned even more. “And the plate of extra cookies left over from your Christmas dinner?”

“Figured your kids would like some cookies, and I had more than enough left over!”

Uh-huh. A whole plate piled high with monster cookies, his favorite fucking kind?

“That’s what break rooms are for,” he couldn't help but chuckle. “Pretty sure Sanderson would ask you to marry him if you bring baked goods in.”

Please forgive me.

Ember shuddered and turned a little green. “Pretty sure he lives in his parents’ basement.”

“Yeah, he has that personality,” he slowed for a stoplight. “Not your type, then?”

Please say no. You deserve so much better than him. Or me.

“Have you ever heard me flirt with him?”

He busted out laughing at her sassy rebuttal. There’s my girl, he struggled to get the mirth under control so he could speak again. “No, no, I haven’t,” he shot her a look. “You can give Wilkes a run for her money in the ice queen department when you’re dealing with him.”

She finally smiled. “I hope you’re giving me a compliment and not calling me a frigid bitch,” her own voice was laced with a touch of humor.

“She’s the frigid bitch and she wears that badge with pride,” he pointed out. “She made Sanderson cry a couple of times. You’re at least polite.”

“Maybe I shouldn’t be,” she mused. “And I don’t flirt.”

Oh, Honey.

“‘You’re too young for a midlife crisis’?” He struggled to keep another grin at bay.

“Not flirting!” She twisted away from him.

But not before he glimpsed the splotching blush dotting her chest.

His mind went south before he could stop it. Does she blush like that after an orgasm?

God dammit.

“What is it, then?” He mentally shook himself to get his mind back on the conversation. He winced when her head thumped against the window.

“The truth. Thirty-five is still young,” she sighed. “Age is only a number. What matters is how you feel inside. Take Grandpa-- er, Henry, for example. He’s eighty-five, still working downstairs, running circles around the younger desk jockeys.”

“I need to find out what his secret is,” he joked. Sometimes he needed more energy to make it through the day.

“No!” Her voice squeaked. “You don’t want to do that!”

His jaw dropped as he looked at her. “Wait, he really has a secret? What is it?” He needed to know.

She blushed again. “Nope,” she shook her head as if she were trying to shake off an unpleasant thought. “It was bad enough overhearing it. I’m not telling you.”

Oh.

Must’ve been something dirty if she was blushing like that.

“H-how long of a drive is it again?”

Did her voice just crack?

“Six hours if the traffic isn’t bad,” he answered.

“Straight through, no stops?”

He chuckled. “I’ll make a couple of stops, I’m not a monster. You have breakfast yet?” He glanced over to see her shake her head.

“There’s a coffee shop up ahead,” she pointed out. “They have donuts and breakfast sandwiches.”

His stomach grumbled quietly. “Any recommendations?”

“The omelette sandwiches are to die for,” she paused to cover her yawn. “They come with sausage and cheese. You’ve already had their donuts.”

His mind tripped back to the massive powdered sugar donut that had led to her soft touch that fateful afternoon. His unintentional groan at that memory bordered on sinful. “Might have to order a dozen for this weekend.”

“Better make it two dozen. I’m not crawling out of bed before ten a.m. this weekend.”

No, down, he stubbornly told himself off at the images popping into his head. “You’ve already claimed the bed, huh?” He inwardly grimaced at the husky and teasing tone in his voice. Who’s flirting now, Cooper?

“Figured it was a given since I’m a woman and you seem like the kind of guy who would take the couch.”

She had his number. Damn, she really is good. “Sweetheart, my back can’t take sleeping on couches even for a little catnap anymore,” he signaled to turn into the lot for the coffee shop.

Liar, he ratted on himself. He’d spent too many nights on the couch before Michelle asked for a divorce when she finally decided she couldn’t take being a CIA agent’s wife anymore. If it weren’t for his kids he would not have gotten the couch for his new place.

“The bed’s a king, isn’t it? We could share it. I promise to be on my best behavior.”

He coughed to cover a strangled groan. Share a bed with Ember? All weekend?

Fuck.

“What?” She asked.

“You’re flirting again.”

“No, I wasn’t,” she frowned at him. “My brain loses its filter when I’m running on very little sleep.”

“Always an excuse,” he rolled his window down. “What kind of coffee?”

“Just ask for the Emberleigh special, they’ll know.”

Cooper was pretty sure the barista, Tomer, was eye-fucking him. Not the first time that had ever happened, but it sure as hell was the first time a guy was so bold about it. And the not-so-subtle looks he was giving Ember were poorly hidden.

Oh, yes, I’m gonna be the topic of conversation the next time she stops in, he chuckled to himself. It was both amusing and flattering.

By the time they hit the freeway his two breakfast sandwiches were demolished and she was barely finished with hers. He shifted to get comfortable. Long trips by car were never fun, the miles monotonous and the seat unforgiving.

Flying had not been an option. The department could not justify using the jet for a weekend op, which left commercial flights. He personally hated that option. Checking weapons and other tools of the trade through security was a headache he did not want to deal with. It was easier to drive.

“Should we go over the parameters again?”

It never hurt to go over plans a few times, and with this being Ember’s first undercover op he wanted her prepared.

The breathy “no” from her caught him off guard.

He shot her a quick glance. “Seat reclines if you want to take a quick nap,” he swallowed the groan at the mental images of her stretched out on her back in that leather seat, him leaning over her… He shifted in his seat when his jeans grew a little tight again. “If you want to turn the radio on, go for it,” he cleared his throat (and his head). “I listen to just about anything. Except for the new crap.”

“Yeah, I can’t listen to that stuff, either.”

Thank god.

“I can Bluetooth my phone if that’s okay?” She asked softly.

“Go for it,” he nodded.

When the opening guitar licks for one of his favorite songs began to play he grinned.

God, if this song wasn’t the ultimate euphemism for sex. And the tempo. Jesus Christ.

And the fact that Ember had the Scorpions on whatever playlist she had? His crush on her grew that much more.

It reminded him of his high school days, his first car, T-tops off and cruising the strip rocking out to AC/DC, pretty girl in the passenger seat.

Sometimes he missed those days, not having any responsibilities other than keeping his grades up for football.

He drummed his thumbs on the steering wheel and sang along off-key. He found himself really getting into the music and tried to tone it down, but after catching Ember trying not to stare he decided to put his all into it.

And all bets were off when his favorite Def Leppard song came on.

They played random road trip games when he wasn’t rocking out. Counting state license plates. Slug bug (or punch buggie as his little Katie loved to holler, especially when she saw the blue ones). Billboard alphabet. Count the road kill (gruesome but it worked). I spy.

When she yawned for the tenth time in about as many minutes he realized why she was playing the games. She was trying to stay awake despite repeated suggestions to recline the seat back and take a nap. He even threatened to sing her to sleep.

She stubbornly insisted she needed to stay awake to help him watch traffic.

Somewhere along the way she did fall asleep. He smiled to himself when she sighed in her sleep and shifted to get comfortable in her seat. As carefully as he could he reached over to slip her sunglasses off and laid them on the dash.

No way was he waking her up any time soon. She needed to rest up.

He was humming along to “In The Air Tonight” and miming the drum solo above the steering wheel (it was a federal offense to not perform the drum solo) when a soft whine came from the passenger seat. He quickly glanced over at the distressed sound. “You okay over there?” He pressed the button on the steering wheel to turn the volume down even more for the radio.

She shifted in her seat, head lolling toward him before a quiet snore reached his ears. He chuckled and shook his head before he turned back to watch the road. They were ten minutes from the nearest fast food restaurant and despite still being full from breakfast he needed to go to the bathroom and stretch his legs. He just didn’t have the heart to wake Ember up quite yet.

A few minutes later she drew in a deep breath and moaned.

That moan sounded suspiciously like his last name.

His grip on the steering wheel tightened.

Ember shifted and moaned again. “We… shouldn’t…”

He felt his cock begin to stir at the soft little sounds coming from her. Sounds he had fantasized about more than once.

“Oh… god…” she squirmed.

Fuck, his jeans were uncomfortably tight. Cooper flipped the turn signal and checked his mirrors before exiting the freeway.

Her moans and gasps were more frequent now, with his name whined out a few times. He drew in a shaky breath, that last guttural moan damn near making him cum right there.

It would be cruel to wake her up, he thought as he pulled into McDonald’s parking lot. But he could not sit in the car and listen to her have a sex dream about him.

“Oh… god… Cooper…”

The way she was panting.

The way his cock was throbbing dangerously.

He hated himself, for having no choice but to listen to her pretty little sex dream sounds and for waking her up before she could…

No. Do. Not. Think. About. It.

“Ember,” he gently squeezed her shoulder before he chickened out. “Wake up, Sleepyhead,” he murmured gruffly when she blinked her eyes open. “We’re stopping for lunch.”

She looked disoriented, and he kicked himself for interrupting that dream.

He pulled away, breaking contact before his body could overrule his brain and pounce on her. “I’m surprised you fell asleep with my singing. Never worked on my kids when they were little.”

When she remained quiet he looked over. “No comment?”

“No!” Damn, that blush was beautiful on her. “N-no, I… I guess a smooth car ride combined with a sleepless night put me to sleep.”

“Yeah, that’ll do it,” he agreed as he pocketed the keys. “Come on, I’ll buy you lunch.”

#william cooper #william cooper x ofc #red #sex dreams

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snally · 3 years

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omfg I love comet pls tell me her adoption story!!! 😭💕

hello! sorry i think you sent this a couple days ago lmao but yeah!! here u go: six years ago i was in the middle of college in southern california and Going Through It and one thing i used to do was look at the cats in the shelter by my home (in northern california) online and one day comet (her name was sammy at the time) was there! and i fell in love at first sight, i just thought her markings and colors etc were so beautiful lmao (i remember thinking she looked like a burnt marshmallow) and out of all the cats i saw online, she was the one that afterwards i couldn’t stop thinking about and wishing i could adopt. i kept checking back and she was still there weeks later. and then one night i was Really Going Thru It and was crying on the phone to my mom which i did like daily and she said something like “what can i say that will make you happy” and i was like “you can say ‘i just adopted sammy, she’s in the car seat next to me right now and i’m taking her home’” lmfao and i remember her saying something like “if that’s what will make you happy then i’ll get you that damn cat” lol. i had to ask my dad first and he was super against it but eventually i got him to agree, later it turns out he thought that comet was in socal and didn’t realize she was going to be living with them lmaooo (i couldn’t take her because my roommate already had two cats) but he really really loves her now so its fine lol. but anyway i literally didn’t know anything about comet other than she was 5 years old, so i was really worried she was like mean or something and that’s why she was given up for adoption. so i kept hoping that she was like, skittish or something because at least i could work with that but if she was mean or liked to bite or something then my mom said she wasn’t going to get her. the day my mom went to go meet comet i was like sooo nervous it wouldn’t go well but my mom called me after class and was like “i met sammy, as soon as they brought her in to see me she crawled into my lap and fell asleep purring. so i’m going back tomorrow to get her first thing in the morning” :-) and she was only five dollars because no one wants adult cats lmao. and i forget exactly when but i visited her really soon after that for thanksgiving or christmas and the rest they say.... is history..... anyway sorry that was really long and really boring so TL;DR: its mental illness innit

#normally i am really anxious that i'm unintentionally using my emotions to manipulate ppl #but in that instance i was like I'm Gonna Get What I Want #anyway i dont recommend doing any of this i just got really lucky #Anonymous

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pyrodarknessanny · 4 years

Text

call out post for Krystal

Well I was originally going to be the bigger person and just walk from this , but since you INSIST on cussing me out over FB and have asked your followers to check my accounts / contact me to pass on messages that you your self are too cowardly to pass on . seriously . I’m not hiding I’m right here and you DO have the means to make contact. this is for you narcissist.

you’re so worried about your stepdad finding you, well he already has , he IS YOU. and you don’t even care but I’m the enemy for calling you out. for those playing at home lets go over ALL of the receipts since they want to vilify me. I was really hopping that you would be there at the wedding ,and I had already gone to a huge effort making sure that would be a safe space for you, and your special requirements because I wanted you to be there as your self and be comfortable. But you needed to tow the line a little bit too and improve your mental health , I have spoken to you about that on many occasions we even discussed it in person when I came up early in the year to see you. I’ve been understanding of your circumstances , tried to help you but you just want to mope and go for the cheapest possible pity points imaginable.

We have expressed concerns over your constant suicide posting and depression posting. Given legitimate advice for help.

As part of planning for the big day I cannot be emotionally invested in constantly checking to see if you are stable. It is not fair on anyone to put that responsibility on them.

You are an adult in control of your own life. Several of us have told you that you have made us uncomfortable with these posts. you never communicate your issues and instead blow up on us over the smallest thing. Shifting the blame off of yourself.

You have zero consideration for how your extreme actions are making those around you feel. You got told off for harassment but that’s not your fault because you’re stressed out ? we are all stressed out. from just this weekend. mum asked you politely to not comment negatively on her posts because you were causing her distress. A person who has been nothing but kind and accepting to you!, but instead of backing off you doubled down. then I politely asked you to leave her alone, saying if you didn’t agree with the content of her posts to mute her and not interact.

But once more you doubled down and immediately made a Facebook post making out like this was a personal attack.

you refuse to acknowledge that the problem we have with your comments had nothing to do with the fact that the posts were about religion . the PROBLEM was that you were making people uncomfortable , were asked to ease off but then chose to make them even more uncomfortable. so I called you out about that in a chat with 2 other close friends. I pointed out what was problematic about your behaviour and asked you to seek help because once more you were making us uncomfortable even though we were being accommodating to you.

I told you that if you didn’t get a handle on it you would be uninvited to the wedding because you are stressing everyone out with how you are behaving and as the primary organizer of said wedding I am under an intense amount of stress already without having to deal with this fire that you lit on yourself. others in the chat also reaffirmed that they wanted you to get help and could see the pattern of negative behaviour . instead of taking anything said on board you twisted it around and made excuses for it .

You then IMEDEATLY took to face book and posted how mean we were being and how fragile you are. followed by several suicide posts and a post that reads

“ you should just unfriend me right now, for your own good”

cool! I did just that!

You don’t see how your actions are not only hurting you but also hurting the people around you! So yes I removed you from my FB and revoked your invitation to the wedding.

because your behaviour is a major liability at present. I told you we all have things going on that are causing us stress. And I told you that it is not fair on anyone to put the responsibility of your mental health on them. You need to take accountability to that if you can’t hold a conversation with people you know closely without being triggered or set off then you are NOT coping as well as you make out to be. yes I did call the police to perform a welfare check on you.

If you really think you can fill your FB with hourly posts about committing suicide without getting that kind of attention, then there is something seriously not right going on in your head.

That is not a normal thing to do, and if you are that distressed then you NEED TO BE GETTING HELP.

Not posting for pity points.

I honestly do hope that they put you on some kind of crisis list, or keep you under observation because you need it.

but sure, I’m the heartless evil cunt for doing that. You are unstable and out of control lashing out at anyone who disagrees with you and then playing the victim when called out about it.

2 more things of note.

stop telling people I owe you money. There is NO COMMISSION. you wanted me to purchase something for you from overseas, you have your goods that transaction is completed. I OWE YOU NOTHING. as for your OC. I will be wrighting them out of the story immediately.

However you get no say in how it’s done.

You voided that right the second you decided to go down this path.

This is the biggest loss my readers were really fond of her, she was one of the more popular members of the cast.

But since you don’t want me using her anymore and quite frankly the idea of keeping her on disgusts me now she will be removed from the story. the fact that you would tank our entire friendship over something as minute as being asked to leave someone who respected you and acknowledged you for you and was making an effort not to dead name yous comment section alone because it was distressing them.

Says volumes about the type person you have turned into. when I first met you , you were meek , scared but you still had kindness in you. now all I see is an abusive manipulative spoilt brat who can’t handle even the slightest inconvenience.

I mean it with FULL CONVICTION when I say you have become the very person you have been running from all this time.

I have ended friendships over less in the past and you have had a front row seat to that. I honestly thought you were a better person than this, but you have only proved me wrong. I’m not going to fight for a friendship when the other person only wants to be coddled and treated like a delicate flower. Life isn’t like that. I hope the rest of you also wake up to what this person is doing.

They self-sabotage on purpose. we have been close friends for over 6 years. I’ve helped her thru several crisis points during that time and have been nothing but supportive of her. but you won’t hear about any of that. because now I am a “snake” as she so puts it.

I know what abuse looks like , I’ve lived thru it my self I know that the signs are. I know what its like to be suicidal I HAVE been in that position my self. but the people who weaponize their conditions to get their way , or to get out of being accountable for doing something selfish and harmful to others are the absolute worst kind of people. this friendship is over. you have given nothing and made no attempts to save it. cuss me out all you like . tell your followers what ever the fuck you like.

but you will never be able to escape the fact that you wrought this upon your self by being selfish. you burnt this bridge.

#sorry guys but i gotta air some dirty laundry #enjoy the drama #shits wild

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koko-bopp · 4 years

Text

Teenage Dream

lee taeyong x male!reader

word count – 0.7K

genre – FLUFF, highschool!au

warning(s) – none

synopsis – inspired by Katy Perry's song Teenage Dream

"Wow,"

Ten had a wide ass grin on his face, poking Taeyong's biceps like a giddy child that just saw the toy that he wanted on TV. "There we go, that's him! Now hurry up and go talk to him!"

"What? No, are you crazy? There's probably so many people waiting to chat with him!" Taehyung snapped back, taking Ten's hands off his arm maybe just a little too forcefully.

But as popular as Taeyong was around campus for his mad athletic skills and talents, his brain seemed to shut down completely when there's even a relatively cute boy he's talking to.

And word around your highschool has it that you like him too.

So his level of anxiety has reached an all time high.

Honestly though, you're pretty much the most good looking boy he's ever laid his eyes on, not to mention, you're practically known around campus for throwing the most insane parties. Your themed ones, in Taeyong's opinion, are the best, watching you kick out the people for not abiding by the theme.

One time the theme was red and someone came in simple jeans and a white t-shirt thinking the theme rules didn't matter. Watching you turn them away was actually hilarious.

So you can suspect– when someone as good looking, and confident, and charismatic, and phenomenal as you, is rumoured to be crushing on Taeyong, he honestly didn't believe it at first, just because, it's freaking,[Y/N] [L/N] we're talking about.

"[Y/N]! Over here!"

Taeyong immediately turned to Ten, ready to full on back hand slap that boy.

And you best believe he would have if you hadn't approached him so excitedly.

"Tae! Ten!" You beamed, you smile radiating pure energy that was super contagious. Taeyong felt his cheeks flame just a small bit, but your smile seemed to both make him more anxious and calm him down. "I'm so glad you guys were able to make it!"

"Wouldn't miss it for the world!" Ten replied, then hitting the back of Taeyong's back to get another reaction other than lovestruck from him. "Isn't that right, Tae-Tae?"

He accidently coughed out hard, not expecting the sudden impact. Felt like a slingshot from his chest was pulled back to his back then let go of. "Yeah!" He said, quickly fixing his demeanor and posture, 'For sure."

A small, adorable giggle left your lips at Taeyong's response, your gaze turning to Ten for a second, though; "Tenny, hun, I think Johnny was looking for you..."

Ten's ears and eyes seemed to perk up at the name. Taking his hand off Taeyong's back, he ran a hand through his own hair as if it would make a dramatic change to his appearance, "I'm gonna go find him then."

And with that, it was just you and Taeyong at the centre of the living room.

You didn't lie to Ten for nothing.

Taeyong's heart races like a goddamn train, his cheeks lit a bright, bright red when you placed your arms on his shoulders, brining the two of your close to each other, Taeyong's hands going to your waist just out of reflex. It made you chuckle a little, honestly, the school's cutest and most charming boy was a bit flustered around the boy he's rumoured to have a crush on. "Something wrong, Taeyongie?" You asked innocently.

"I–er–" Taeyong gulped, "I can't feel cheeks. I think they burnt off."

It made you laugh, and Taeyong wanted to dig a hole for himself. You took a tinnie tiny step closer to the boy; "You're more attractive when you're flustered, Quarterback."

"[Y/N], not to judge your taste... But why me?" Taeyong suddenly asked, his hands still holding the sides of your waist, "I can litterally name six guys right now giving me dirty looks."

"You have more then one brain cell," you said, smiling, "Most of the boys that shoot their shot don't. You're also a lovely person, I see how you make sure your team is always doing their best both performance wise and mentally, regardless of what the circumstances are; I appreciate that in a man."

Thankfully, the confession calmed Taeyong down just a bit, making him chuckle, "Wow, I guess I should've tried shooting my shot way earlier."

"I mean," you snickered, this time wrapping your arms around Taeyong's neck, "Ten was a big help, he doesn't exactly keep quiet when we chat."

"Damn." He might actually need to thank Ten, and maybe help him get a boyfriend too. "Can I take you out to the movies then?"

"Drive Thru cinema, Wednesday, eight thirty?" You said, smiling.

"Done," Taeyong finalised, grinning back.

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dog-teeth · 4 years

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I was thinking recently about what you said about non-creative people. "Are their souls okay?" I've kind of always wondered the same thing. But I think I'm getting burnt out. Writing is getting harder and harder. Is my soul okay? Will it still be if I take a break? What if I never come back to writing?

oh! worry not! thats completely different! when i said that, i was talking about people who never seek out creative hobbies, not creative people who go through phases of not creating. i’m a writer too, and even moreso than visual art i go thru phases where i can’t create. writing just doesn’t come to me. but i have learned from myself and the amazing writers around me who also all experience this that it often comes in waves, and i can 100% promise that you will come back to writing if you want to. it might be indicative that something is wrong, often when i’m not able to write im also facing a mental or emotional block, i’m repressed or depressed in some way. so maybe taking care of your mental health could help. if you want to get back into writing, my biggest advice is to 1. journal and 2. try to make urself write small, imperfect things, as frequently as possible. writing something is better than writing nothing, even if its one sentence thats half of an idea. just get anything down on paper. writing is a practice, it takes practice to get into a writing routine and become prolific. but its perfectly natural to take breaks from writing or have it come less easy to you. it happens to pretty much all of us. i’m in a similar place with writing right now too. just take care of yourself, be mindful, and go experience life, and i promise writing will come back to you.

#ez answers #Anonymous

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crimeronan · 4 years

Text

the girls and hennessy’s crumbling state of mind

been intending to put this together upon getting to chapter 50, which is where we get the backstory of each of the girls. the story is told from the present day backward, i’m flipping it to chart the progression of hennessy’s mental health (and to make brief character notes on the girls as well for if/when i end up writing them)

1. hennessy herself - split. lost to trauma. ruined, or so she thinks. ronan asks the girls, “don’t you have hennessy’s memories?” and they reply, “most of them.” i think they lack the memory of jay’s suicide and i’m sure they lack the memory of the lace because otherwise hennessy wouldn’t be so invested in keeping it from them

2. jordan - optimist and protector. it would do a disservice to try to fit a full character analysis of her in a paragraph but as the first, she gives us the best insight into what hennessy was like pre-trauma pre-illness & what she might’ve grown up to be like. but jordan is also VERY much defined by the protective role she’s taken on - a hennessy who never saw the lace wouldn’t be jordan. there’s no telling who she’d be

3. june - pragmatist and problem-solver. also very much her own person (they all are, we just see more dimensions to jordan and june in-text). craves independence and freedom. cares about her own individuality. helps solve everyone’s shit. she’s probably been shielded from the worst of hennessy’s self-destruction by jordan and has firmly taken on a strategic role. she’s likely the reason they got away with all living under the same roof with hennessy’s father without him figuring it out

4. madox - angry. they moved to the states before madox was born, living in pennsylvania rather than london (which i’d forgotten about! that question answered) & bill had a new girlfriend & everyone was angry. and tired. and going thru puberty. madox is the only one who was an accident (besides jordan) and hennessy was PISSED. interesting to note that madox has had nearly as many years to develop herself as jordan and june, but her anger colors everything. maybe she can’t let the anger go, maybe it’s too all-consuming to look past, maybe she needs it as a defense mechanism. unlike jordan and june, she seems uninterested in protecting hennessy - she’s busy being caught up in the injustice and unfairness of it all.

5. farrah - desperate. the girls describe her as stupid probably bc they’ve distanced themselves since she killed herself. i’d say farrah was idealistic but her situation - falling in love with an older married man who was NEVER going to give her what she wanted - reeks of desperation. wanting to be loved, validated, cared for, treated as an individual. i think hennessy at this point was probably looking for a way out and wanting things to be different and despairing that they weren’t

6. alba - destruction. we don’t know a lot about her except that she died when they were living in pennsylvania by totaling a car. i’m guessing some unsafe driving was happening. unclear whether the crash was intentional or accidental. the girls got rid of her body and the evidence before reporting the crash to the police or to bill. that’s how they got away with the story of hennessy surviving without a scratch

7. brooklyn - self-destructive sex. hennessy was “joylessly burning her way through partners of every gender” and left a trail of broken hearts behind her. imo this is the most obvious shift in hennessy from wanting more for herself to just wanting to feel something & be distracted, and not caring who got hurt in the process. brooklyn herself doesn’t appear very malicious, though - she likes sex but seems pretty upfront about what she wants to avoid breaking hearts. hennessy’s too tired to care about all that shit & might string people along on purpose just to feel wanted

8. jay - hatred. i wrote a more in-depth meta post about the jay thing months ago here but suffice to say i think she hated hennessy rather than just hating herself. i think hennessy was at that point so burnt out and callous and exhausted that she’d stopped caring about whether the other girls lived or died, & so jay was born wanting hennessy dead instead of just wanting out herself. (i also think hennessy killed her.)

9. octavia - bitterness. she comes on the heels of The Jay Thing. i think after killing jay, hennessy realized what she was becoming and wanted to stop. but that a big part of her feels intense resentment toward the other girls for being her reason to live. she wants to stop suffering; she can’t because they exist; she’s furious about it. hence octavia’s bitterness. i also think octavia represents the split where hennessy lost basically everyone except jordan. the girls let octavia die because she was so shitty to be around. if hennessy was like octavia at that point, the only reason they bother keeping her alive is to save their own skins - there’s no love there, just growing resentment on all sides

10. trinity - sadness. hennessy waited too long to dream and ended up dreaming her after passing out completely wasted in a garden. hating herself and hating the situation and resigned. i think this is the point at which she’d burned through the worst of her resentment and found there was nothing to sustain her underneath but that she just had to keep going anyway. the girls all expect trinity to kill herself

& that’s where she’s at when the book opens. girl #11 is the one she dreams in the bathroom, who drowns.

this chapter is such a fascinating look into how hennessy’s state of mind has changed over the years and i love it A Lot it’s one of my favorites in the whole book

#suicide #violence #death #murder #long post #hennessy #cdth #cdth meta #text heavy #hennessy notes #self harm #self destruction

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teannamon · 4 years

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The Black Cat and the Princess (ML Fic) 6

Cover art by deryuj :>

[ Family Switch AU ] Marinette’s the only child of fashion icon Gabriel Agreste, and Adrien is the adopted child of Sabine and Tom Dupain-Cheng, two of the best bakers in Paris. What happens when their paths meet?

↫ Chapter 5

Chapter 6: Adrien gets a visit from Marinette at the bakery.

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

Adrien groaned as he turned off his alarm. He was tired from last night’s party, not because of the party itself but because he spent most of his energy trying to calm down a drunk Alya from participating in another “Alcohol or Awful” drinking game. Ultimately, Nino decided to just take her home and he also decided to call it a night. At 3 am.

He rubbed his eyes and stretched to get ready for his weekend baking duties. Dropping down from his bed he grabbed a quick change of clothes and headed to the bathroom.

‘Not awful but not amazing either’ he thought to himself as he viewed his tired self in the mirror. After washing his face with cold water, he quickly changed into clean clothes. That’s when he noticed something missing from the hamper.

His favorite cardigan.

“Did I leave it at the party?” he asked out loud while double checking the hamper, but he remembered Marinette. Seeing her shiver from the gym clothes she changed into prompted him to lend her his cardigan so she would at least feel better from whatever happened to her.

“I’ll see her at school anyways, at least she’ll get home in better conditions” he said to no one in particular as he opened the trapdoor to head downstairs.

Sabine already prepared him a meal for him at the counter-three pieces of croissants, omelet, and a cup of coffee. She waited for him all night, so she knows how tired he must’ve been.

“Good morning dear, eat up so you can help your father downstairs” she greeted while taking a sip of her tea. Adrien gave her a kiss on the cheek as he sat down to eat, “Thanks mom”

“No problem hun, drunk Alya again?” she asked and Adrien chuckled while stuffing the bread into his mouth.

“You know it” he said after swallowing. He was enjoying his meal and almost choked when he heard his mother’s next question.

“Speaking of Alya, she mentioned you’re seeing a girl named Marinette is it?”

“N-no,” he sputtered out “Well technically I see her everyday because miraculously our schedules are almost identical, but she’s just a friend I swear Alya is just-and why are you laughing?”

His mom covered her mouth to stop her from laughing too loud but eventually calmed down, “You’re cute when you’re defensive, and Alya didn’t tell me anything. Actually, Marinette is at the bakery downstairs, said she wanted to bring back something for you”

She gave him a wink as she said, “I bet your father is already talking to her”

“What?!” the blonde boy ate his breakfast with much speed so he could head downstairs.

Meanwhile, Marinette and Tom were making small talk while he set the pastries on the display cases. She was in awe at the wonderful smell of fresh morning pastry, she made note to come here every morning that she can.

“I hear Alya mention your name a lot whenever she comes here, I’m guessing you’re that young designer she’s very fond of”

Said designer smiled sheepishly, “I guess you can say that. She has a lot of my outfits to say the least, and I’m glad we’re friends now”

Tom hummed in response before offering her a red velvet cupcake, “That’s great to hear, here’s a cupcake for making you wait long. Free of charge”

“Oh! that’s so nice of you, sir. It’s no bother though, I didn’t mind waiting”

“Even so, please take it. I’m sure one cupcake won’t hurt”

She happily took the cupcake and took a small bite, she was delighted by the taste “This is very delicious!” she exclaimed.

“I’m glad you like it; this is Adrien’s specialty” he gave her a knowing look she didn’t quite catch on as she’s too invested in the cupcake.

Another mental note-ask them to cater one of her future parties.

Just then Adrien burst in through the door that leads to the bakery.

“Good morning, Adrien” he greets with a large smile. Marinette peeks around the display case on the counter obstructing her view to see the person who he came here for.

“Hi Adrien” she waves with her cupcake in hand.

“Good morning dad, Marinette” he greeted back, sounding a bit out of breath.

He puts on an apron before taking his post behind the counter. At that moment his father conveniently ran out of cookies to put on display.

“Ah would you look at that, I’m all out” he said all too cheerfully and left for the kitchen door in quick strides “I’ll leave you two here then. Alone. Together”

Adrien internally facepalmed, ‘Not being subtle at all, dad’ and with that Tom closed the door behind him and as he said, leaving the two alone together.

He turned back to face Marinette who had no idea what just transpired as she just finished her cupcake. He noticed the custom cupcake liner he always used for his own cupcake recipe so he cheerfully told her, “That’s my special cupcake, what do you think? It’s a Crowd Favorite”

“It tastes amazing! I love the mix of dark chocolate and strawberry” she excitedly told him, “oh and the marshmallow frosting is such a cool idea. Does it have a name?”

Adrien resisted a chuckle, “I told you it’s a Crowd Favorite”

She rolled her eyes, “Well yeah, I meant special recipes have names right?”

He pointed his thumb towards the display case lined with his special cupcakes under the tag “Crowd Favorite”. This made Marinette groan but then chuckled after “Oh my gosh, you really are such a dork”

The blonde laughed with her and shrugged, “Well what can I say, I really am adorkable” repeating his statement last night, which reminded him.

“Anyway, I forgot to ask how you were since last night?”

“I got home safely thankfully, and speaking of” she reached down and placed a paper bag on the counter “you really didn’t need to lend me your cardigan you know but I do appreciate the gesture”

She smiled sweetly and Adrien couldn’t help but feel flustered as he recalled how close they were when he mindlessly carried her on the way out. He rubbed the back of his neck as he took the paper bag and placed it under the counter.

Just then the bell chimed and Adrien instinctively greeted whoever entered the bakery, “Good morning, how can I help you today?”

The blunette moved a little to the side to give way for the customer to approach the counter. She was wondering where the customer was until she looked down and saw a short old man wearing a red Hawaiian shirt.

“Hello Mr Wang, the usual?” Adrien asked with such familiarity. The old man nodded and smiled. As Adrien turned around to pack up his orders the old man, Mr Wang, turned to the female visitor who busied herself looking at the other pastries on display.

“Here you go, I added an extra cinnamon roll from the burnt pile as well” Adrien handed him a small box of pastries and took his payment.

“Thank you, Adrien. See you again tomorrow” Mr Wang took one last glance at Marinette as he left. The bell chimed as the door closed behind him.

Sensing that the day would get busier as time went on Marinette decided to say her goodbyes and leave. She approached the counter to face Adrien.

“Well, I guess I should go too since I already did what I came here to do but I’d love to come visit the bakery again”

“No problem, Marinette. See you tomorrow at school” he waved as she left the bakery.

As soon as she left he turned to the kitchen door to see both his parents peeking through the small window obviously spying on their adorable son and his equally adorable female classmate.

———————-

“Are you done with your errands?” Gabriel asked her daughter thru the phone.

Marinette rolled her eyes, “Yes father, we’re en route to the mall like you said”

Another event that she’s obligated to attend being the secondary face of the Agreste brand. That, and she needs to make up for her mishap last night.

“Good, and don’t forget to fix how you look all the time. I wouldn’t want to go through all the trouble of trying to get rid of unpleasant images of you uploaded to the net for everyone to see”

“Noted” she snapped as the call ended. She sighed and sank to her seat as they drove thru the city.

Last Night…

Chloe’s limo stopped in front of the Agreste mansion’s gate. Gabriel Agreste was already waiting for Marinette as soon as he got his daughter’s call.

“Ugh this won’t be good” she groaned and Chloe looked at her friend sympathetically.

The blonde patted her back, “Hey Mari, at least you had fun. Whatever your dad will tell you now shouldn’t take that away”

Marinette smiled at Chloe, she really was thankful for her. No matter how shallow and self-centered she might be at times she really does understand her and comes through when times get hard.

“Thanks Chloe, see you on Monday” she said as she was about to leave.

She stood next to Gabriel as the limo left.

He looked at her current get-up, “Those were not the clothes you left with tonight”

She looked down and wrapped the cardigan around her tighter, “Yes, I know. Can we get inside and I’ll explain everything”

He didn’t say a word but both of them went inside the mansion. As soon as they stepped foot inside he looked at her for an explanation.

Taking a deep breath she told him how she got soaked in juice, had a senior let her borrow gym clothes from a schoolmate, and Adrien letting her borrow his cardigan.

She chose to withhold some information like the blackmail from Lila or when Adrien walked in on her underwear. If Gabriel knew about those details she’s more worried about what her father is going to do to them than her.

‘He’s quiet again, what now?’ she wondered, her anxiety growing more and more each second he’s not saying anything.

He sighed, “Well it can’t be helped since you’re at a disorganized and rowdy event. Next time limit your attendance to those unless it's necessary”

“Y-yeah, of course”

“Goodnight, Marinette”

“Goodnight, father” she mumbled as they parted ways towards their own rooms.

She flops into the bed feeling frustrated at… well, she doesn’t know exactly.

Maybe Lila, for ruining her night and her outfit or her father for not even asking if she was okay throughout the whole night’s ordeal. Either way, she’s frustrated as hell.

‘Deep breaths Mari, deep breaths’ she reminded herself and she calmed herself down after a few seconds.

“Like Chloe said, I had fun tonight despite what happened” she told herself as she recalled the people she met that night, the live student band, the crazy games she got to witness, and her new friends.

She never would’ve guessed that Adrien would have the guts to carry her all the way outside though. Somehow that was the most memorable event of that night for her, she pondered as she fiddled with the cardigan of his.

As she took it off she noticed something written on the tag, ‘Adrien’s favorite cardigan DO NOT TOUCH’

“He really is a dork,” she giggled.

Marinette (wearing Adrien’s cardigan) being carried by Adrien in Chapter 5

art by @deryuj

↬ Chapter 7 (tba) ↬ AO3 Link

Its been almost a year since I last updated this but I hope you guys can forgive me QwQ... I’ll be updating this story more often though since college stuff is all done (and by done I meant holding it off til next year lmao)

But rest assured updates will be more frequent from now on, maybe every 3days or every week hehe

✦ Tag List : @conquering-medians

#teanammonfics #blackcatandprincess #miraculous ladybug #miraculous fanfiction #miraculous fanfic #miraculous au #Marinette Dupain-Cheng #adrien agreste #adrienette #tales of ladybug and chat noir #teannamonfics

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hearrtrender · 4 years

Text

50 QUESTIONS YOU’VE NEVER BEEN ASKED

Thank youuu for the tag @jesseblackthorns ilyyy

what is the color of your hairbrush? black, pink and like a lime green

a food you never eat? sushi...not into fish other than fish and chips

are you typically too warm or too cold? warm...my hands are always too warm/hot....at one point I thought I had that super power when you touch smthn and it gets hot (think of Chris Evans in fantastic four...dk his name anymore)

what were you doing 45 minutes ago? mentally screaming and hating myself cos I couldn't get this chord transition on the guitar right

what is your favorite candy bar? galaxy with caramel in it, dairy milk..the Oreo one....and not a candy bar but my fave candy ever...peanut butter cups

have you ever been to a professional sports event? yeppp

what is the last thing you said out loud? bYE

what is your favorite ice cream? peanut butter and chocolate swirl situation...idk it was a limited edition cant remember its name...or cookie dough....or caramel chocolate fudge...basically salty and chocolate works for me

what was the last thing you had to drink? coffeeeeee (it’s like..midnight.....fuck)

do you like your wallet? it’s cute like it has a cat on it but I wanna change it

what was the last thing you ate? chocolate...I think?

did you buy any new clothes last weekend? nOPE....not in a while anyways

the last sporting event you watched? really cant remember?

what is your favorite flavor of popcorn? idm anything ngl....salted with butter the basic is the besttt...cheese one I cant have more than five....caramel I cant have more than 3...HOWEVER mixing the three of those.....thats a good mix...salty and sweet...none too overpowering (maybe kick the cheese one out if you want)

who is the last person you sent a text message to? a friend...we were talking about what we would be doing if the world wasn't like it is rn

ever go camping? Yepppp and I LOVEEE IT

do you take vitamins? nopppeee

do you go to church every sunday? noppeee im not christian (however I did go to a catholic school at one point...thats a different fun story for another time....too long for this)

do you have a tan? nopee...however I was sun burnt not too long back

do you prefer chinese food or pizza? BOTH...BOTH IS GOOD

do you drink your soda with a straw? NOPE...theyre unnecessary..they float out of the can/glass and they make the soda too fizzy until its just bubbles

what color socks do you usually wear? listen...funky socks are fun...I have a shit load of those...but nothing beats black socks...

do you ever drive above the speed limit? I dont drive..

what terrifies you? thunder

look to your left, what do you see? my water bottle

what chore do you hate? laundry

what do you think of when you hear an australian accent? I think of how once I had to put on one for a drama thing and then it ended up sounding cockney....I also think of 5sos, Margot robbie and Tim tams

what’s your favorite soda? diet coke

do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive-thru? I mostly get take out anyways...unless im with my friends then we sit and eat..so idk

who’s the last person you talked to? parents

favorite cut of beef? idkkk?...idk cuts of beef?...I dont even like beef ngl

last song you listened to? im currently listening to ‘na na na by MCR’

last book you read? currently reading a darker shade of magic

favorite day of the week? saturdaaaayyy

can you say the alphabet backwards? used to be able to I think *tries again* yea no not anymore

how do you like your coffee? cold.

favorite pair of shoes? idkk ngl...any of them...but my go to are these pair of black boots with a slight heel....I put them on anything and BOOM they always work out

at what time do you normally go to bed? what is sleep again?...idek nglllll....quarantine fucked my sleep schedule badddd

at what time do you normally get up? 7:45 cos online school...6 when the world was ‘normal’

what do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? sunrises if I wake up for them...I love listening to music and watching the sun rise while looking out of my bus window.....ugh I miss it

how many blankets are on your bed? just oneee

describe your kitchen plates. ...too many to describe....

do you have a favorite alcoholic beverage? I don’t drink alcohol...dont ever plan to

do you play cards? I'm an only child.

what color is your car? my car....I dont have one...my dads is white

can you change a tire? lol no

what is your favorite province? a what?....people have fav provinces.....describe province again?

favorite job you’ve ever had? never had a proper job...however I am (well ‘was’ before everything went haywire) interning/learning/scholar-shiping (I have no idea what it really is) at this cancer research thing...so ig that

how did you get your biggest scar? first week of sixth form (for those who dont understand...its like the final two years before you leave school for uni.....).......cut my thigh against the side of a white board...gash through the pants...yelled FUCK in front of a new teacher...fun times

what did you do today that made someone else happy? nothing

I tag @kazz @thomaslightwoodx @fair-y-child @youve-cath-to-be-kitten-me @snackariah @tenthprinceofhell @highladyofstoriesandmusic and anyone else who wants to do this

#thanks sukkkkiii

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yeehawfolk · 5 years

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hi! i dont mean to restart shit but i feel like the reason neurodivergent ppl butt heads over gifted kids so much is that to kids like me who had undiagnosed adhd that had me hide my report cards and tests in elementary school, its kind of a slap in the face to hear so many people who you were compared to and put down against talk about issues that have plagued you since you were super young, but framed in a way that only they could relate to! the education system fucks over both “gifted” AND-

-kids who were barely scrapping by! it just affects us at different stages of our lives, and for different reasons. tying my intelligence to my self worth, an inability to ask for help, always feeling like im underperforming, etc, these are all things that affect me because i dont want to be the ‘dumb kid’ again. i still have to do extra work my high achieving brother doesnt because my mom doesnt trust my intelligence!! + i also think that ppl are bitter yall cld do so well during school-

- in the end, i think our experiences are more like a mirror; “ure dumb and forever will be vs if u get less than the top of the class ure a failure and ur achievements dont matter” (also, personally, even after hearing all the shit the gifted program put yall thru, id love to have been a gifted kid. id rather know i have the capacity to be smart than be the kid who regularly scores in the bottom of the class)

Listen, I am neurodivergent. That's what my entire post is about, how because I was gifted, I was seen as ""too smart to be disabled"" and given no accomodations whatsoever, even though I greatly needed them. I was autistic, but nobody in the education system even THOUGHT to look at why I suddenly started failing classes when I got into 10th grade, nobody even thought to ask me why I was having such a hard time. Because if I was ""smart"" then I should be able to do good in advanced classes. So ergo, my struggling was laziness. Except for one teacher, who when I told her, told me I needed to suck it up and get my homework done or she was going to fail me.

Like, I'm not trying to demean your experiences in the school system or say "I had it worse than you", but the entire reason I made the post in the first place was because I was absolutely fucked by the gifted label in school because I was neurodivergent. The gifted label leaves no wiggle room. You're either smart and pass your classes, or you're lazy and get shit grades, according to teachers.

I had a burn out at 15 years old. Think about that. I was 15, a time where I should be hanging out with friends and doing fun things. But instead I fell to the floor of my bedroom and cried for over an hour because I just couldn't face the fact I didn't do my homework again and my teachers were going to fail me. I was so mentally unstable because of the expectations put on me by the gifted label, I was so scared of seeing that big fat F painted across my report card, that I just broke.

On top of that, I was placed in advanced classes or classes I didn't need because I was ""smart"" and it would look better for getting a ""smart"" job. They kicked me out of the one place I felt safe in the school, Art, and replaced it with electives I didn't need or want simply because it would look good on my college applications. They replaced my Language Arts classes with a ""Gifted Class"" in Middle School and specifically because of that, I have no idea how to structure an essay more than 6 paragraphs long. Every time I asked a teacher for help, they'd tell me to stay after school (which I couldn't at the time, I didn't have a ride) and wouldn't even explain in the simplest terms what they wanted because "You're smart [gifted] you should already know this."

You do NOT want to be a gifted kid. Trust me. Especially if you're neurodivergent, because gifted kids are basically pressured to be mini-adults as kids and when they don't respond as being a perfect pinnacle of maturity or smart-ness, they're said to have problems with laziness. Or ""behavioral issues"". I needed SO much in school, but because I was labelled as gifted, I never got any of it. If we need help with anything we're ""supposed"" to know, you're shit out of luck, because nobody will give it to you. "You're smart, you're supposed to know this!" Is our mantra, and eventually, we stop asking.

The reason I made the original post is because the ""gifted"" label is thrown at anyone who has even a moderate IQ score who ""think differently"" than others. See how that ties heavily into the neurodivergent community? Some people with the gifted label might be neurotypical, but a lot of them end up being neurodivergent later in life for the sole fact "they were too smart to be disabled" and nobody ever said "Hey, you Might be neurodivergent" because they were seen as smart.

Gifted kids don't have it easier. Our praise from adults is always tainted by "You could do better". We don't get accommodations we need. Our education is lax because we're already supposed to know it, despite never being taught whatever it is they expect us to know. Adults want to make all of our academic decisions on how smart they think we are. We're given double the work because "we can handle it". And worst of all, we're constantly beaten down with "You're so smart! Why aren't you understanding this?" As if not understanding something is somehow our fault.

The post wasn't being like "GOD GIFTED KIDS HAVE IT THE HARDEST IN SCHOOL BECAUSE OF X". It was "The neurodivergent community greatly intersects with the gifted community and their struggles in the school system need to be acknowledged and not talked over because of the notion 'gifted kids have it easier because they're smart'."

I'm not going to lie, most of the reason why I dropped out from 10th grade was because I just couldn't handle the expectations from my teachers to be the perfect student and hand in perfect papers. They beat down that 15 year old teenager who liked anime and Sonic and reading to the point where I had a complete mental breakdown and I begged my mom to let me quit. Begged her, on the floor, sobbing. I burnt out so bad I couldn't read a book for over 4 years. I'm just now starting to read again.

School is fucked. But the Gifted label adds another layer of Hell to it that neurodivergent kids just aren't equipped to handle, and I feel very strongly about letting these kids talk about what they went through, bitter people or not.

#cas talks #listen i understand that school is fucked in general #but the gifted experience is a special kind of hell especially for neurodivergent kids #also this isnt meant to be mean or in your face i hope it doesnt come off that way #education #k 12 education #education system #gifted #gifted kid

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