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fallinforerling · 1 year

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LOVE ISN’T ETERNAL. chapter 4 - jb

ೃ⁀➷ jude’s masterlist

ೃ⁀➷ jude’s taglist

ೃ⁀➷ masterlist

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The weekend arrived without any nasty surprises, which was very much appreciated. Jobe was still a bit bitter towards Jude for all the lies he told the family, but you convinced him to not pick any fights with his brother. Jude didn't deserve it, but you still cared about his family dynamic staying the same regardless of how he managed the breakup and everything that came after it.

Now you were laying in bed, not having the energy to do much. It's not like you were allowing yourself to be consumed by the grief or sadness (which you still felt), but you were a bit apathetic. Luckily, Nikki and Mia were coming over to help you with that.

“I want this to end.” You whispered after a while, wanting to say something to fill up the silence in your apartment.

Because you truly wanted to get over him. Why bother grieving him? He has been partying and probably sleeping with girls every night since his arrival to London. And what were you doing? Missing him? Wishing he’d call? Having insomnia?

“Fucking prick.” At least insulting him was good therapy.

Before you could enter the space of mind where all you did was hate him and his existence, your phone started to ring. The only connection to the outside world this past week and a half was that little device.

Nikki was calling.

“Yeah?”

“Check my chat, girl. This is fucking insane. Go! We're almost there!” And then she hung up.

“What's up with Nikk and hanging up after saying things like that?” You laughed, expecting something funny or a photo of them. But no, it was a Twitter thread. When you clicked it, you almost had a heart attack.

“The fuck is this?!” You screamed.

The author of the thread simply wrote: “Jobe's new girlfriend???? I'm so jealous, who is sheeee???” followed with four photos per tweet. They were from the park meeting just a few days ago. There were photos of you hugging, when you were sitting together and when you started to leave the park.

At least it wasn't going viral, but there still were lots of people interacting with it. They were trying to guess who you were and for how long you two have been “dating”. A nightmare.

This had never happened in the ten months you dated Jude, mostly because privacy was important to him... And now you were mistaken for his little brother’s girlfriend? You felt like having a panic attack, but your front door opened and closed loudly, interrupting your thoughts.

“Did you see it?” Mia said, entering your bedroom after a few seconds.

“How did you find it?”

“Oh, you know I love gossip. I was digging for some information and I came across it. Did you see the date? Someone posted it three days ago.” Nikki sat next to you, biting her lip.

“Yeah…” Your brain started to analyze how it happened… Who took the photos without you noticing? The park was almost empty the whole time. Unless… “Fuck… I know who took those photos.”

“Who?” Mia asked with apprehension. “Someone we know?”

“No, far from it” With a sigh, you sat. “We met at a park near here. I've always liked that place because most of the time is empty… But that day I spotted a group of girls near us; I didn’t even payed them attention, they were far enough to not eavesdrop.” You covered your eyes, feeling frustrated. “They were teenagers, so of course they took the opportunity when they recognized him.”

“Yikes, girl… Someone’s going to cancel you for dating a minor.” Nikki joked, winning a very small smile from Mia and you.

“That’s not funny, my god.They probably will if they ever find who I am and my age.” You sighed, absolutely sick with the path your life was taking. “Why can’t I have one day of peace, huh? Life sucks.”

“Of course it sucks, that’s the main thing about living,” Mia said, sitting in your bed. “Well, let’s pray for that threat to die soon enough. You know how people are, they’re probably hunting for the next big gossip of the week.”

“Yeah…” You grabbed your phone again, thinking about your next move. “I probably should send this to Jobe as well, I don’t want him to be taken by surprise if people begin asking about this.” A tiny smile peaked between your lips. “And let’s hope the girl he likes doesn’t find it either.”

“Do you know what else you need to start doing?” Nikki said while you send the link to Jobe, who started to laugh about the ridiculous assumption those girls made about you.

“What?” You asked without paying much attention, smiling a bit when Jobe started to call himself Mr. Steal Your Girl.

“Being a soulless, heartless, and cold girl for once. What about some clubbing, some fun… Some boys?”

“You’re like the devil on her shoulder, Nikk,” Mia said, nudging Nikki’s arm. “But I agree, you need some fun. We forbid you from staying at home, drowning in your sadness. That boy doesn’t deserve it.”

“Not one bit,” Nikki replied, hugging you. “I promise it will be super fun, just go out with us tonight.”

Instead of responding, you took a look at the ground. There it is. You knew them too well, there was no way for them to “casually” suggest a night out; they had a plan. Their bags were on the floor, but you noticed a small bag that Nikki only took out of her house if she was planning to party: her makeup bag, which was essential if she was going out clubbing.

“Are you trying to persuade me into partying tonight?” You smiled, not even mad at the idea.

“Maybe?” Both of them said, trying to look as innocent as possible.

The three of you looked at each other with big smiles before laughing.

“We’re going out tonight!” Mia screamed, gaining more laughs from Nikki and you.

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The fun part about going out with Mia and Nikki was the part previous to the actual clubbing. There just was something magical about getting ready with them: the makeup with the collaboration of everybody, constantly changing outfits, Nikki persuading both of you to drink a little bit for good luck and Mia insisting that all of you needed smoky eyes, so guys felt intimidated. Most of it was nonsense, but they were your best friends in the whole world and you always felt extremely thankful for their support.

“Promise me you’re going to at least try dancing with the hottest guy that approaches you tonight.” Mia said while doing your smoky eyes (yeah, you gave in).

“I’ll try.” And you will because it wasn’t fair for you to stay in your comfort zone. If this whole thing didn’t cheer you up or make you feel better, then you could always find other ways to keep your mind occupied.

“That’s more than enough for me. Try to have fun, this is a girl’s night.”

“And talking about girls. Put this dress on, the girls look stunning in it.” Nikki dropped a black dress on your lap.

“No way!” You lifted it with a smile. “I completely forgot about this dress. I haven’t worn it since…” You paused, feeling uncomfortable. “Uh, Jude’s birthday.”

“Well, who cares about that? You still look amazing.” Nikki smiled, obviously not about to let you think much about Jude.

“Done!” Mia said after a few seconds, biting her lip. “This is my best work so far.” Her eyes were sparkling, so you believed her.

Facing yourself in the mirror, you almost didn’t recognize the face that was looking back at you. You looked amazing; the color of your eyes popped, the glitter was doing the right job of not making it look too dark and the red lipstick was the final touch. You loved it.

“That’s the face of a heartbreaker, girl.” Nikki admired your face for an instant before smiling. “Ah, I can’t wait for the boys to fight over you.”

“Very funny, Nikk.”

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The club Nikki choose was wild, especially since a manager was waiting for you at the door, guiding you to the balcony section of the club- which was the freaking VIP one.

“Nikk?” You half-screamed through the music, dying to know how she managed to pull this off. Mia seemed as confused as you were. “Anything you want to tell us?”

“About what?” She kept walking with the biggest of smiles.

“Uh… Us getting into the VIP section wiht no even five minutes of being here?”

“Oh, that?” Her smile grew bigger, if that was physically possible. “I know someone.”

Clearly, that was all the information you were getting. Mia gave you a look and the both of you silently decided that it was better if you didn’t dig into it.

“Tonight it’s about having fun, girls. My treat, don’t worry.” Nikki said once you were at the table, which already had a champagne bottle resting comfortably on an ice bucket. Three champagne glasses were next to it, patiently waiting for you.

“Oh, so this is luxury, luxury.” Mia whispered, laughing a bit.

“The fun it’s all that matters, trust me, Mia.” A waiter appeared out of nowhere, silently grabbing the bottle before smiling at all of you.

“Welcome, ladies. May I open it now?” You nodded, and with one quick movement of his wrist, he had the job done. Impressive. “Hope you have a good night. Don’t forget you can always call a waiter with the button that’s underneath the table.” And then he was gone.

“You were right, Mia. This is luxury luxury.” You accepted the glass Nikki offered you, excited for the night ahead.

“Let’s enjoy it without actually wondering how much all this is, babe.” Was all she said before chugging her glass in one sitting. “I’m ready, give me another one.”

“That’s what I’m talking about!" Nikki cheered, happy to see Mia engaged with tonight’s mission.

“Come on, you need to chug that thing too, there’s more in here.” Nikki told you, already serving Mia’s second glass.

“Fuck it.” You said before doing as Nikki said, chugging your champagne as carefully as possible so you didn’t choke. “If I end up vomiting all over the floor at the end of the night, I want you to know, I’m blaming you.”

“That’s fine to me!” And then Nikki chugged her glass as well.

Yeah, this night was going to be hella interesting.

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Needless to say that within two hours of clubbing you were pretty drunk. Not to the point of falling when trying to walk because the world was spinning or to the verge of unconsciousness, but a good point between being able to not care if something ridiculous escaped your mouth and dancing with strangers without giving it a second thought.

Nikki had found some friends along the night, and now three more people, which were the nicest ever, were sitting at your table, chatting and laughing along. You enjoyed the their company, but felt the need to give yourself space to drink a very much needed glass of water in peace.

So there you were, leaning against one of the multiple spaces in the balcony where little chairs were dispersed. It felt almost peaceful if you ignored the music blasting through the speakers or the many waiters going around the place, dealing with drunks and orders.

“No way! Is that you?” A voice startled you, taking your mind away from the blankness it was immersed in. “I knew I wasn’t mistaking that face!”

You turned, slightly pissed at the person that was basically yelling at you, until you realized it was Gio. Gio Reyna himself.

“Gio?!” You didn’t know why, but the excitement made you scream. Maybe it was because you were drunk, but seeing Gio was one of the highlights of the night. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

“I’m taking the few days off I have.” He hugged you tightly once you stood up, almost swiping you from the floor. “You look amazing! What are you doing here?”

“Thanks! I’m with my friends, they’re right there!” You pointed to the table, where all kept chatting without noticing your encounter. “It’s a girl’s night!”

“That’s cool! I thought you were with Jude, since he’s at London and all that.”

Your smile never wandered from your face, not caring about Jude’s name being dropped from Gio’s lips. You shook your head, letting him know you weren’t with him today. Or ever, for that matter.

“Nope, just my girls and I.” He kept looking at you like he was in front of a new person, not Jude’s “girlfriend”. You didn’t know if you liked it or felt bad about it. He was one of Jude’s good friends after all. “What about taking a picture? It’s been so long since we saw each other.”

“Sure! Are you okay if I post it to IG?”

Oh?

“Of course, go for it.”

Then the two of you moved to a more illuminated area, he took his phone and you knew this was one of a kind type of opportunity. Time to be the pettiest bitch I know. Taking advantage of him getting closer to you for the sake of the photo, you passed one arm over his shoulders, and after a couple of pics, you decided to give him a tiny peck on the cheek.

“Let's see.” He said shyly. Aw.

A few of them were blurry, but most were decent and the peck one was fabulous, not only for the sake of your intentions, but also because of how good the two of you looked. Your makeup was still intact, and with the lighting, it shined in a very pretty way. Gio had a light blush due to the alcohol, his smile being evident, giving his already handsome face something else.

“That one?” You said, picking the one you liked the most.

“Yeah! We look amazing.” He started to set it but paused before publishing it. “Do you mind if I tag you?”

Bingo.

“Go ahead, I have no problem.” And that was it.

You said your goodbyes, and while returning to the table, you felt some type of triumph. Did this make you a bad person?

“Where were you? We thought you got lost or something.” Mia said when you finally arrived, sitting beside Nikki.

“So… I did a thing…”

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codenamesazanka · 1 year

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Um… have you seen the latest spoilers off of Twitter? Mic’s thoughts on Kurogiri are… not good.

Hello! Sorry to answer this late, but I wanted the scanlations to be out before digging into the chapter.

Yeah. Mic's thoughts on Kurogiri are pretty brutal.

But I think it makes sense, though. Compared to Aizawa, Mic has always been the more pessimistic, somewhat-aggressively-minded Hero. He's the one who half-jokingly wanted to call the media mob villains so he can shoo them off UA campus; he's the one who first suggested there's a spy in UA; and when Aizawa and Mic went to Tartarus to face Kurogiri for the first time, he had no patience to see exactly what Kurogiri-maybe-Shirakumo can offer them.

So the fact that his friend Shirakumo might have turned Villain, even if unwillingly? That he's now this Noumu who works for AFO/Shigaraki? Obviously it angers and saddens Mic, but I think he's also just ready to accept that that's just not the friend he knew before. He's prepared to fight Kurogiri if needed? I guess he'd rather see things more black-and-white than the shades of gray Aizawa can see - that Kurogiri and Shirakumo are separate entities and should stay that way, vs. there's still some Shirakumo left, this is what Shirakumo is right now, for now - because in a way, it is easier. Less questions to ask, less ambivalent feelings to confront. Less hope, because hoping means having expectations for things to be better, betting on it; if the outcome is disappointment, it hurts, it feels like all that effort and time and energy and emotion were wasted.

In a way, he wants to spare Aizawa from this kind of suffering. Close the file on this gruesome case and move on. Aizawa has already lost and eye and leg; lost another friend (Midnight); and they're in a war to prevent any more loss. Mic wants Aizawa to keep one of the few good things he has left - their schooldays memory of their friend, and how it seemed like Shirakumo really had come back to give them that essential information of the location of the Doctor, becoming a hero just one last time.

It's just, Mic is also talking about a person. (Close to a person as anyone can be, anyways, as a masterpiece of a Noumu.) Kurogiri has independent thoughts and emotions, makes autonomous choices when he isn't given orders, shows a personality that's one of patience and protectiveness but also there's a bit of a mean streak (nonchalant when talking about slicing All Might in half, subtly teasing Gran Torino about Gigantomachia, the funny quip about Aizawa confusing Tartarus for a confessional). He's a person, with a job as a bartender, a ward to look after, and people who see him as an ally. It's hinted that as rude as Shigaraki treats him, Shigaraki does care a bit for Kurogiri, never denying missing him when Toga teased Shigaraki about it. Kurogiri’s still got connections in the world.

...and Mic wants to take those away, because if this being isn't the person Mic wants him to be, than it's better for this being to not exist at all. It's pretty fucked up, especially when Mic is a Hero (who are people who save other people).

Two years ago, I wrote a sorta navel-gazing, rambling piece about Hero Society and victims:

in HeroAcaLand, in Hero Society, if someone can’t be saved, then the best victim is a dead victim. Someone abstract to think wistfully about, gazing at the stars in melancholy. ...a victim that is only a victim, forever a victim, sitting and waiting to be saved. Or couldn’t be saved, and we mourn, quietly, privately. Here’s the thing: A dead victim won’t feel pain, won’t grow resentful, won’t feel rejected by society when whatever tragedy they suffer causes them to become alienated from others.

A dead victim is a failure, to be sure, but a quiet one, forever to remain silent and hidden away, gone. A dead victim won't cause trouble, essentially. And Kurogiri existing causes trouble.

--To the Heroes, that is. To the Villains, as we see with Spinner, Kurogiri is a reliable comrade, a last desperate measure to save their friends. Kurogiri is their hero of a sort. And Mic wants to take that away. Mic has a reason, as well as a totally logical strategic reason, but it's still taking Kurogiri away all together.

Which is fucked up, because who is he to decide that? Even if it's for Aizawa? Especially if it's for Aizawa.

But also, again: who is he to decide that in any way at all?

In Mic's worldview - in the Heroes' world view - anything that causes trouble must be eliminated. Quirks are suppressed. Distrust must be stamped out. Villains, especially, must be defeated because a great deal of Villains were former victims that were never saved and has grown resentful and frustrated. The dead stay quiet and peaceful and can be anything someone wants them to be in memory. Villains violate this peace and have a mind of their own; but most of all, Villains are a loud reflection of societal failure, and that's an uncomfortable truth.

So yeah. Mic's thoughts on Kurogiri isn't good. Personally, I like the darkness it reveals, and the reckoning it must bring.

Thanks for the ask!

#Present Mic #Aizawa Shouta #Yamada Hizashi #Kurogiri #Shirakumo Oboro #Chapter 373 #asked #answered #ask #nova-solstice #bnha #mha #HeroAca #nalslastworkingbraincell

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lilypadding · 10 months

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Hii! I haven’t really been active here for some time sooo how are you? How have you been? :)

HIIII!!! honestly I haven't been very active here either, I just hop in every so often. I should go back to the time when this was my #1 social media cause that was a lot easier to digest than twitter LOL

(this ended up being longer than i thought so I added a read-more)

I've been okay generally, I feel like I'm in a bit of a transitory period in my life where I'm trying new things and attempting to get myself to chase dreams that feel very far away. I just recently got on my Summer break from school, so I'm grateful for that! I was planning on taking another summer course, but I dropped it last second because it's technically not a requirement

I posted a random scene that I've been wanting to post on AO3 because I wrote it a while ago, it's basically an AU where Nagito is a fem musician and the whole premise is that she's popular (and so is the rest of the DR cast and some others, like just generally a fame AU cause I dig the idea so much) but it hasn't gotten many interactions since it primarily involves a rare-pair. (I've been so into Taylor Swift's music and her rise to stardom, it's been a recent fixation for me so I completely blame that on that AU/snippet of a fic.)

I have SOOOO many fanfics sitting in my documents of this rare pair, like 99% of them have fem nagito, and it mainly stemmed as an "inside joke" between my partner and I but now it's like second language to us and it's this weird thing where this version of fem nagito feels more like an OC if anything, cause the more deviations you take from canon the more creative liberty you impose on them and all that. I always feel a little bit like I'm lying when I post that content, because I love writing canon Nagito and writing him as accurately as I can muster because I'd like to think I do a good job, but then I remind myself that fanfic is entirely optional and I may as well post things that feel completely unique to me and even "out of character" because what's the harm in it? most sensible people will just click off if they don't like it.

Like, I posted this fic titled "3 years different*" on AO3 which was ANOTHER rarepair AU fem-nagito thing (Like, a different AU to the musician AU one) which, again, stemmed between my partner and I and I didn't expect anyone to read it and enjoy it but I got a pretty nice comment on the second chapter that warmed my heart and made me feel like posting was slightly worth it.

and I just love the rare-pair and I love my version of fem nagito that has shifted and grown - and while it's SO much fun to kinda have a little fandom AU between my partner and i, it gets sooo lonely being the only 2 people who are a fan of this hyper specific fandom-amalgamation we created??? like I'm only touching on it lightly here but THE LORE we made runs ridiculously deep, I've considered what a video-essay on it would look like trying to cover EVERYTHING and it would be A MESSS but it's so fun

in my personal life I've just been filling my time with animal crossing, I don't know if you're anything like this but I swing between all of my previous fixations when I don't find a new one and I just ping-pong between getting really sucked into one thing to another. like, a few months ago I was OBSESSEDDD with the sims 2. before that I think it was stardew valley. Now I'm back on animal crossing. I finally have a Switch so I've been decorating my island from SCRATCH for the first time ever, it's fun but I also find myself running out of ideas so quickly so I end up running around my island aimlessly wondering what I should do. I love building on animal crossing with long-form youtube content in the back.

I also want to start doing fan edits again!! I used to be really into it in 2020 (I Wonder why with the state of the world then), but I'm trying really hard to dabble more because playing around in After Effects and making transitions is genuinely a lot of fun. I hope i get into it more consistently

I'm also looking forward to a concert that I'm going to with my partner soon! I've never been to a concert so it'll be my first! I'm excited to dress up and hopefully know the words to the band !!

IDK why I'm just rambling LOL I got so excited to see this question in my ask! You're so sweet for reaching out and asking!! How have you been?!?! I want to know!!

#ask #c0rrupted-mov

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psychedelic-ink · 1 year

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I think when it comes to fanfiction and when it's x reader (not OC) people will always look at you weird. Bc to them they never thought about reading something where they're putting themselves in the perspective of being loved or just having fun with their favorite character.

Lots of people day dream but I've learned that lots of others don't. And most people dream about obtaining stuff they've never had or have had so little of it but they crave more, be it: having a friend, being in a relationship, a new game they've played at a friend's house bc they can't afford it, etc etc.

So most of the time the people who don't day dream are the ones saying: why are you reading x reader fanfiction? Isn't that cringe? That's so weird.

Man, all of us reading x reader fanfiction just want to be loved by our favorite character (s). Most of us have never had a meaningful relationship or none at all at the age of 20s, 30s, 40s etc.

Also it comes with going deep within a fandom. When u dig deep and make an account at Twitter/Tumblr you will see takes, fan art and even FANFICTION. stuff u may have never experienced before. You didn't know that shit existed.

Again, most people who criticize fanfic have never dug deep into a fandom. It's a thing that's always been there. Every fandom will have fanfiction. Believe me. That's why I don't like talking to guys who like marvel and star wars like me. Like okay i enjoy it but i don't feel comfortable enough in telling them oh i read fanfiction. Bc im pretty sure they don't even know what that is and I'm not gonna be the one to explain it.

One time i joked with an internet friend how talking to guys about those fandoms is like:

Me: i love the mandalorian (the character)

Them: oh yeah!!! He's so cool

Me: no u don't get it. I need mando to fuck me 😐

When it comes to OC people are more okay with it. Bc they're not imagining themselves. They're just imagining someone else. Like in a book. But when it comes to x reader it's different bc you either do imagine yourself or imagine someone made up from your mind. And people are not really prone to imagine themselves.

I love x reader but personally i don't imagine myself. But that's another story.

Idk where i was going with this but people should know fanfiction exist and they shouldn't be icky about it. It's normal. It's been here since the 60s (star trek). (Actually it's been here for longer but that'sss another story). Idk sorry if this doesn't make sense...

I've always been very open about writing fanfiction, all my friends and parents know. Even my professor knew I wrote it, and I think that me talking freely and being proud of it somewhat took their need to make fun of it and the power behind it, though I also understand that can't be the case for everyone

it's a bit long so i'm putting the rest under the cut dear anon xx

I really don't understand why people think x reader is cringe. Believe me when I writer character x character or x OC fic I'm also putting my personality into that character, or parts of it at least. That's what makes fanfic fun and you can't really say one is cringe and the other isn't imo, it's all fanfic.

I've only been in one terrible relationship my entire like and fanfic has helped me out tremendously so I feel you there <3

And honestly I'm so immersive when reading/consuming content that I can put myself into it immediately, so it's hard for me to imagine that other's don't. It doesn't matter to me who's pov I'm reading it from, or who it is. Maybe I'm just lucky in that aspect, but you might be right in saying that people just don't want to think of themselves directly and want to do it through a third party instead.

Experiencing fandom is truly an adventure it can go bad or good, luckily I've been experiencing good things so far with a couple of bumps! And to be fair I live in Turkey where fanfic and fandom is pretty much nonexistent, It's much more known now in the US and Europe

I agree that people shouldn't judge when they hear fanfic. It helps to understand yourself better and I can imagine some people not really liking the freedom of it.

And no worries, it made sense! I'm always happy to chat 💜

#mail.💌#anonymous #long post #tw long post

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psitrend · 5 years

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Lucie Liu’s TaipeiLove*: Taiwan’s unique journey towards same-sex marriage and equality

New Post has been published on https://china-underground.com/2018/12/30/lucie-lius-taipeilove-taiwans-unique-journey-towards-same-sex-marriage-and-equality/

Lucie Liu’s TaipeiLove*: Taiwan’s unique journey towards same-sex marriage and equality

TAIPEILOVE* is a documentary from Berlin filmmaker Lucie Liu.

Taiwan is the first country in Asia that in May 2017 ruled that same-sex couples should have the right to marry, even if the proposal was defeated in a recent referendum.

Taiwan’s fight for marriage equality is the result of a long journey. TaipeiLove* is a documentary focus on Taipei’s perception of homosexuality in Taiwanese society.

The movie provides a deeper understanding of breaking down stereotypes and starts to think about what is love: a feeling that is inclusive and indiscriminate.

Facebook | Twitter | Instagram | Indiegogo

Interview by Dominique Musorrafiti

This is a selected interview from Planet China Vol. 05 issue

China-underground: Can you tell us something about you?

Lucie Liu: I’m Lucie and I am 25 years old. I studied political science but I was always very interested in theater.

I used to act in theater and I started writing my own pieces and move towards the direction, that’s basically me!

Then I decided to start this movie because this documentary is kind of perfect combination of visual art and political science and that’s what I always wanted to do.

Where did the idea for your documentary “Taipeilove*” come from?

I used to live in Taipei in 2016.

I was working at the Goethe Institute.

I went to the gay pride parade (it was really packed ) and I saw so many people.

I met two Korean guys and a Japanese guy and I spoke to them and they told me that the gay pride parade in Taiwan, they attend every year, is the only time in the year where they can be truly themselves.

I thought it was kinda odd but then I was digging a bit deeper and I started reading on it and I realized that Taiwan is really having a super important role in this by pushing same-sex marriage.

I started reading about it and I realize there’s almost no coverage and since I always wanted to do something, as I said, combines politics at the arts I wrote a script for a potential movie. It’s really funny because I never had any film experience.

I mean I did some short commission works but never anything like that big, I kind of ended up pursuing a German political foundation to give me funding and I ended up flying to Taipei in October last year.

How would you describe your documentary?

I would say that TaipeiLove* is basically a snapshot of society that is currently going through a lot of change.

How long did it take to make the whole project?

Basically I’m still currently editing. Well, the idea process and the research process, I think, three or four months but not that intense and then the whole filming process was eight months.

Right now the editing process has been going on. From when we started it’s been like maybe a month.

It will be finished in October or November. There is a trailer for our crowdfunding campaign.

When you started filming, did you plan ahead, or there were events that influenced the development of the documentary?

The first event that really changed something was when I went to Taiwan and my German cameraman was supposed to come to Taiwan.

But then, only a few days before, he was supposed to come, he told me that he doesn’t want to come because he was kinda scared of Asia. I was there all by myself and I have felt incredibly lost, but I think this started my thrive because I realized “I’m here now and I can, I did it or I don’t”.

So I put all my energy into doing it. Then I basically asked all my friends “Please connect me with anyone who’s gay or lesbian” So I conducted around 40 interviews with friends of friends in the park in cafes.

They just told me what is happening in their lives and I kept asking them very similar questions and so I could point out the difficulties in being gay or lesbian in Taiwan. Then the filming process itself started.

I carefully selected three protagonists. The interviews I did with those 40 people they really helped me and put a finger on who’s really important in the scene. So I was able to find five experts and politicians give me an inside interview.

It’s really interesting because everybody was super open about it because I think there hasn’t been any coverage or a lot of coverage. So everybody was welcoming me with open arms.

That was probably like the highlight of everything. I just walked into the politician’s offices and they gave me an interview. I think in Germany that wouldn’t have. They really help me understand that this is a super important issue.

What were the biggest challenges of “TaipeiLove*”?

I think personally, for me as a person, it was kind of difficult because, in the beginning, I was kind of doubting, because I mean, it was my first movie, my first production and of course you have a lot of self-doubts and you kind of just want to be taken seriously. There’s still so much to learn, but I was really lucky.

I had a really great cameraman. A nice guy. He supported me so much. He knew I didn’t have experience.

He helped me so much and supported me a lot. I’m really grateful that I had him. He helped me like it was his personal challenge. I would say the bigger challenge, I think, it was really incredibly difficult and sad to see how people are struggling.

How difficult still is, despite that same-sex marriage will be legalized, how difficult it is to be gay or lesbian in public or especially in terms of being with your family or talking with your family about it.

One of the hardest challenges was to see how people are living in an open society but society is still too closed to accept. So that was very challenging to work that.

Can you share with us a story from the backstage of your documentary?

Well, I think there’s one I remember pretty closely. One of my protagonists is called Sarah and we became pretty close friends which were really nice.

When we had an interview day with her, I interviewed also her aunt. Her aunt was sending a picture of the interview situation to the group chain of the family.

Then Sarah’s mom calls and it was really moving, cuz her mom didn’t really want Sarah to give this interview or do have anything to do with the documentary.

We got the chance to listen to her mom telling Sarah all the reasons and everything that Sarah has always had trouble with. Her mom was on speaker so we could all hear it and it was really silent in the room all of a sudden.

Sarah’s mom just talked about “I wish you had a husband, I wish you had children. It makes me very sad that you chose that life. I just want you to be happy and I don’t want you to be lonely.”

This phone call kind of summarizing all the struggle and all the difficulties. So many people are going through and that was really moving and after this phone call, after she hung up it was just like everybody and the team was really tense and everything you could feel was the energy in the room.

It was there I think was like the golden moment of the documentary.

That was just super intense!

I think we hit a really good time, cuz the people of my team were just really cool people, genuinely nice and that really helped me.

I think it’s like this very tense moment on one hand, and under the other one, a very cool team then it works together.

Another story is that: I asked my team for motivation, like “What is the reason .. Why you’re doing this documentary with me?” My cameraman, who I’m really close to, told me he has a daughter. He told me when he was in high school he was a bully. He used to bully gay kids. I was really shocked.

He used to bully, but now he wants to help to do this movie because he realized he doesn’t want his daughter to grow up in a world that kind of makes it difficult for her if she would be a lesbian. He just wants to show his daughter that change is possible and it’s so interesting because he was the one who was putting so much trouble on gay kids in his high school and then he kind of changed his direction.

The realization of the revelation and that was also really interesting. He wants her to grow up in a world where she doesn’t have to worry about her sexuality.

Legalizing same-sex marriage is a historic moment for Taiwan. Do you think it reflects an important part of the society or LGBT community still faces problems with “coming out”, tradition, families, religion …?

I wish it would have a really big impact of course, but I honestly think for now that legalizing same-sex marriage will definitely lead to a change in society into a note.

You will just see a lot more weddings or it becomes more normal, to see that but I’m not really sure.

I really hope it would bring that change, but from what I’ve heard and what I’ve seen that families are still a huge obstacle.

I talk to so many people and they were in their 30s sometimes even in their 40s and their family still doesn’t know.

So I hope it would bring that change, but I think it takes a lot more time and a lot more education to actually have this change that everybody is hoping for.

I heard there was a protest from Catholics …

It’s so weird when you think about the new society because like the part that is actually religious, in terms of Christian religion it’s so small.

It’s four, around five percent of society and when you think about the part of society that is gay or lesbian is equal.

Five to ten percent. If you think about it’s like two equally big groups but the problem is that the religious groups are so vocal because they get so much money. They have so much funding from America, Australia.

A lot of priests from America and Australia are in Taiwan so this religion is so vocal. They have so much money into that.

They make advertising on TV, so it’s really difficult for the other group to kind of hold against.

They have this weird propaganda against LGBT education or gender education and they think that they tell people that their child will turn instantly gay.

These people are so odd, it’s so weird. They are really strong there and so they also fuel these anti-gay protests, so it’s a really big divide like a small part of society but that’s like a really strong divide.

How do you expect the audience reaction will be to your documentary? Do you think they will understand the historical important step in human rights for the LGBT community in Taipei?

I think as for now, I was always doing the documentary target audience, which is actually Europe and I hope any Western country.

I’m also hoping for America, but I think that a lot of people don’t know a lot about Taiwan. When I told people I was going there, a lot of people told me to have fun in Thailand. I think they will learn and they will see that this really small country that has this huge change going on, which is historic for Asia and I hope that they will understand and realize and give Taiwan more credit for it.

I know politically, it may have its chaos and nobody recognizes Taiwan and China have constantly claiming Taiwan, but I think in terms of human rights and soft power it’s incredibly important to actually give Taiwan credit for it.

It helped Taiwan go through that and be the role model it is supposed to be.

What I’m really hoping to do is that I will be able to go to different universities in Asia and just show the movie there. Because after all, I hope that next to the biggest Western audience.

I hope that if I go to university screenings, attend university screenings in Asia will also bring a slow impact there.

I really hope that. If people see what is possible in their own continent I hope in that change, maybe can a little bit change it up a little and changes in habits.

Do you think the example of Taiwan will help other Asian Countries to consider more freedoms and rights for the LGBT community?

I think if you have one positive example, others can follow.

I’m sure that it won’t be a change within the next five years. But I think within the next generation, my generation, when I’ll be a bit older or when I’ll have children, then it’s going to be definitely easier for them to be openly gay or lesbian in Asia.

That’s what I’m really sure of. Because if you have one positive example, I think others can actually follow. I know that it’s so difficult to generalize in Asia because there are Muslim parts and Buddhist parts.

But I spoke to activists in Taiwan and also I was in touch with activists all around Asia. They just have a problem.

Other countries want to legalize it as well but the politicians and the governments they really don’t want to do it.

Society is a lot more involved but after all, it’s the Government on the other side.

But I’ve always said if I’m in a lecture hall in some country: in South Korea, in Japan or anywhere and I only have the ability to speak to some students and those students will be touched by my movie that would be a huge success for me.

Photos courtesy of Lucie Liu

topics: Taiwan same-sex marriage

#Documentary, #Interview, #Lgbt, #Taiwan

#documentary #interview #lgbt #taiwan

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josiebelladonna · 2 years

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why i stopped following ben shepherd

okay. so, i’ve talked about this in fragments, but i never went into the full backstory. i have to get this out in the open because today is his birthday and i haven’t really seen anything about it, either. i think everyone deserves to know the truth about him, my past with him, the fact that this man who has penned some really great songs and released a long-awaited album about ten years ago and seems to be somewhat of an unsung hero in the soundgarden fandom, and there is a very good reason for this, too.

this is very long, much longer than i intended, so if you read this to the end, i hope you can understand where i’m coming from with all of this. this was also written over the course of several days, too, just because i was gathering my memories and old feelings together, so if anything sounds a bit weird or doesn’t make sense, it’s because my heart is in a different place now and i’m trying to make sense of everything back then.

i got into soundgarden when i was 11 years old, after i had heard outshined and then fell on black days one right after the other. i had a-sides when i was 14, and i bought superunknown with my own money (the first album i ever bought with my own money, too) when i was 15. i got to see them four times: portland 2013, las vegas and seattle 2014, and at the bridge school concert - the latter of which they played an acoustic set. yes. i got to see acoustic soundgarden. chris was a fan of me: i tweeted him my cartoon of him for his 50th birthday, the day after the vegas show, and he shared it a week later after i had completely forgotten about it. he and i were twitter buddies the last couple of years of his life.

i remember seeing ben in the liner notes of a-sides and i was intrigued by him. mind, it wasn’t until my parents split when i could really feel his spirit in soundgarden’s music. it wasn’t until i was in my darkest moments when i felt him resonate with me. the moments i was at my most paranoid, my most despondent, when i could hear him in there.

i remember developing a crush on ben in 2012. i got to see soundgarden mere weeks after my first “attempt”, in 2013. i plotted on probably making art for them over that year with my switch from stem school to art. it was the fall of that year when i began to develop anxiety, like really bad anxiety: we’re talking feeling so anxious that it would wake me up in the middle of the night and then it would be spotty all the way to sunrise and my thoughts wouldn’t even make any sense

and yet, i turned to him, though. i turned to his music that fall and winter to keep me warm at night.

i couldn’t not love him for it. i wrote my first letter to him in march 2014 - i remember doing it. oh god, do i remember doing it. what gets me to this day is how easy it was: i just looked in the white pages up in seattle and that was it. my mom did some further digging just to figure out where to send it to, but that was it, though. i also remember telling people on facebook about it, back when you could still somewhat talk about that sort of thing and not get weird reactions from people, at least for a little while. right after i talked about it with pride to people, i started running into more people who were more questioning of it, like “how did you do it?” and not in an intrigued sort of way, it was more like “how could you?” someone even told me that was the worst thing i could do and that he would get a restraining order against me.

i dismissed those things as nonsense because it’s the internet: you simply cannot believe everything you read - this was well before “fake news” became part of the vernacular, so make of that what you will. besides, it was the least of my problems, too: i wrote a very sweet letter to the man and that was it. and yet, for some reason, everyone saw this as hitting on him (i hit on alex skolnick in stories: some of the things i’ve said to him make the first letter i wrote to ben absolutely pale in comparison). difference is i know now that alex sees me, despite my own doubts, and i’ve seen his big jovial smiles at me, too. though it’s not out in the open - and it doesn’t have to be, either, privacy makes it more precious to me - i can see alex and i can feel him, whereas i was completely oblivious to ben’s reactions. so, figure seeing all of this speculation right before my eyes didn’t fare too well with me, someone who was coming out of a bad bout of anxiety.

it’s funny, i look back on my anxiety levels at the time and i cannot believe how on-edge i was back then and worrying about him liking me only added to it. the way in which i liked him as much as i did only added to the anxiety. say what you will with mentally remaining in high school: if you know anything about me, you’ve probably seen me talk about the fact that i grew up in an area where the pool was very limited, i.e., not a lot of chances to get together with someone.

but that’s how i am, though. i’ll admit it to the day i die: when i like someone, i fall hard. i can joke about it as much as i want, but that’s how i am, especially if the infatuation is short-lived. i have a very twisted sense of humor and yet my feelings run deep like the deepest well in the earth. even if i say i’m just a fan, i feel that phrase down to my core. it may sound contradictory - and it is, i’ll admit it - but that’s literally how i roll. “oh, i love you but i’m just joking around about it but i also love you to death but i’m also going to play around with this because i like to fool around with people i like” pretty much sums up everything you need to know about my sexuality. i can already hear the “quit playing around” crowd when i type that out: i can’t help it. and now that i type this out, i realize this is why i have such difficulty with my sexuality (among other things responsible for my own inability to fully accept it) and why i often look at the way i love another person and feel completely disgusted with myself and why i often wish i could just tear my own heart out so i wouldn’t have to feel anything ever again. i wish it wasn’t like this. i wish it was simple to understand and i could like someone more easily and in more straightforward fashion, especially when i’m all about being straightforward. but i can’t. i can’t. when i say “i kinda like this”, i mean i really like it but i don’t want you to know this, though, because how do i know you’re going to believe me?

so, no surprise (but simultaneously astounding) that far too many people failed to understand this - what’s disturbing is a lot of said people were women. there were a couple of men, but my critics and backstabbers were predominantly female. the gentle sex. the empathetic ones. the real victims of everything ever. my own sisters. some things never change, either, like how dare i feel sexy and love men.

love and lust can and do exist on their own, and neither is better or worse than the other, but for it to last, the two must coexist. and even with as much as i wish i could approach things more differently, i ask, what’s wrong with liking someone? what’s wrong with liking someone who’s taken, too? it just happens, too. but they all acted like it was completely repugnant of me to like ben as much as i did: one lady accused me of “worshipping” ben, which just on its own astounded me. i think she was the same person who gossiped about me to a friend at the time: she wrote this long elaborate message to her that... while i don’t remember most of it, accused me of being mentally unstable and that i had another thing coming if i wanted to get involved with him because “(she) saw him with a lady in florida and didn’t know what was happening but he’s got a lot of girlfriends so i’m told and it looked like it was something special” or some shit - i’m paraphrasing, and that was probably the one thing about it i remember with utmost clarity. (the “lady” in question turned out to be the second half of my old pals at jeffgarden, and i remember ben often did that with female fans, too: when they took a picture with him, he puts his arm around them, almost in appropriate fashion, too - at least alex has the decency to put a hand on their shoulder or do the “hover hands” thing that keanu reeves does.) but i remember seeing that and feeling so utterly disgusted with myself. i actually cried. i thought i was too late and that i had messed up somehow.

i will say this, though: i think it was around that time i started attaching the phrase “bad gal/bad girl” onto my name. it first started as an homage to rihanna given her ig name is badgalriri but there’s also a great deal of truth to it. i genuinely felt like a deviant, someone who was committing something so unspeakable and so horrible that i have to parade it around. it’s both a sentiment of pride as well as one of shame. i jettisoned it in favor of nirvhannahshepherd (which eventually became nirvhannahcornell) but over time, i went back to it because it aged like fine wine. i think it was also around that time i discovered eminem’s song “stan”, which spoke to me on so many levels, namely one of irony. like, yeah, i’m a batshit insane fan who’s willing to go to great lengths to talk to the guy she’s a fan of who also happens to be a guy she has a crush on. it’s on par with kathleen hanna’s “kill me” dress. i’m a bad girl. kiss me and then let me die, because you win.

except... you know how i eventually found out it was too late and he had won? in my second letter to him, for his birthday that same year, i was once again sweet to him but i included a photo of myself as well as a couple of drawings as sort of a bundle of some kind. got no response after that.

when i wrote to him the third time in february 2016, a week after valentine’s day, even after that, i thought “this guy’s not going to get back to me, will he” so i mentioned that i like his mother because i often saw her comments on the fan pages and on soundgarden’s official and i thought, “aw, she seems like a sweet old lady”. she would reply to my comments within a couple of months’ time. but i never heard anything from ben himself.

and i remember that baffled me to no end, too, like “why is she getting back to me but not him?” like that’s kind of shitty, dude, using your own mom to communicate with me when you very easily could do it yourself. and you seem to have the time, too, like what’s the matter?

that summer was also the one where soundgarden held a fanart contest (anyone remember that?) and they never said what the prize was until after the winners were announced - there were two. one was a british woman named nicola honey, the other was yours truly. you would think i would’ve been beside myself, and i was, too: i couldn’t believe it. the thing that killed it was without a doubt the prize: a choice between louder than love or down on the upside on vinyl. never mind the fact i don’t really like vinyl much and i was starting to dislike the ubiquity of it back then: if they had just announced it before they sent it out to the world, then i have no doubt i wouldn’t have bothered with the whole thing to begin with. really, if they were upfront about it from the get-go, it wouldn’t have made me feel sour about the whole thing and predispose me to dislike any art contests in the future after that. i do dislike them, too, because the prizes are usually shitty like that and because the winners of the last one i partook in were - there’s no way around this, either - complete trash. my portraits of the beatles lost out to a portrait of edgar allen poe that looked like someone sat on the reference photo.

that day in august was a death knell for my thing with ben, too, because i realized really quick, “no, this guy doesn’t give a shit about me.”

in other words, over the course of some three months, i lost a reason to like ben as much as i did. in fact, you could argue that i fell out of love: i pretty much pushed him out of my mind by mid-summer 2016.

and then, as we all know, i went dark that october, chris passed the following may, and i came back online in late 2018 with a fixation for metallica. i joined ao3 after a rendezvous with original fiction in february 2019 and i think it was that summer i found out ben had a baby in summer 2015.

suddenly, it all clicked. and naturally, i was pissed.

understand, it’s not the fact that he became a father again the summer after i wrote my second letter to him that bothered me: i decided in the months after that horrible bout of anxiety, during the summer where i took a sabbatical from school, that i actually don’t really care about that. live your life on your terms, even if it brings a tear to my eye. but i have no control over you. i may fall hard but know that i love you so much that i’m willing to let you go if it makes you happy. it did baffle me, though, because i often saw that he lived alone in that house up on bainbridge island (it still does hang me up a bit, too, because my mom and i were both positive that it was only him there).

the fact that i gave him a chance to say something to me, anything, whether it was a “fuck you” or something along those lines and he did absolutely nothing is the thing i can’t get over. you may as well have just looked at my picture, jerked off to it and then played around with your woman. you may as well have seen me as “the other woman”... and that feels really gross to me.

you know, never mind his transgressive onstage behavior for a second, with spitting on people, giving them the finger, even pissing on them - which, i don’t care how much you find it funny at first: after a time, you have an idea as to what you’re getting yourself into when you went to see them and there comes a point you stop laughing and you wind up rolling your eyes instead; i know it did me. like, “c’mon, you are not g.g. allin and you never could be, either.” but it made me feel incredibly cheated. used, even. this man was my hero (my hiro, rather) and i wanted to give him a piece of my heart. but oh, he’s more than happy to give other women shit like candy and babies, and they throw themselves at him with flowers and things. it made me wonder what on earth was wrong with me, what i had done wrong for him to be so spineless towards me. i remember blaming myself for a bit, like i had overthought my letters to him, i said the wrong thing somewhere... but then i realized something.

it’s not me, and it never was.

you know how i know this?

there’s a reason they were often referred to as “frowngarden” by the guns n’ roses crew, and why he was called “frankenbass” or “manimal” in particular. they were too serious for their own good. sure, there was the odd picture of them smiling and goofing around but when i really look back on them, i get this odd air of pretentiousness, like it almost feels smug, holier-than-thou even (meanwhile, gnr weren’t having any fun in their tenure, so figure their crew was going to be a bit jokey in their own rite). of course, “frowngarden” all but fell out of use after chris passed but in a way, there was a glaring reason they were called that. a glaring 6′4″ reason.

i’m a big grunge fan, the seattle scene is one of the loves of my life, but the pretenses surrounding that scene are very patronizing and holier-than-thou, which is why i often focus on the music rather than the bands (whereas the metal world has been a different story altogether *laughs for a thousand years*) and ben is without question a mouthpiece of this pretense: “it’s not grunge, it’s a gimmick, it’s just music”. sure. whatever you say. but i have a real problem with seeing “we’re not here to be hedonistic and party” because god damn it, a little hedonism will take you far in life. and it makes you seem like a real killjoy, too, like you’re afraid to have fun outside of having fun with the music. and it’s so rich to see him to say that, too, especially with how many kids he has now and the fact he smokes like a chimney. you don’t have to be motley crue (hell, motley crue doesn’t even want you to be them) but loosening your bullets every now and again will do a lot of good. this neverending black hole of “i always have to be doing something” that he carries with him is so unhealthy and so damaging, not just to himself but his children (whenever i see ione on instagram with one of her journals, i get a little choked up, to be perfectly honest). it’s beat-for-beat the same mantra as capitalism, the incessant “always work, fuck you if you want to play around” belief that we’re all supposedly against now and yet grunge fans worship the ground this man walks on. the man actually nearly drank himself to death (which my stepdad did, which is the last way you want to go) and he od’ed on morphine at one point, too, which is... not a fun drug at all, so i really don’t understand what his deal is when i think about it.

i see testament, there is seriousness there, but there’s also a lot of humor there (i mean, any band that has this as part of their photo collection, they have a sense of humor, bunch of men in black). hell, this was one of the reasons i was so drawn to anthrax, aside from joey’s voice and the fact they rock: they’re funny. they’re a funny, goofy bunch, even with the sheer amount of drama that followed them over the years. fucking death even had a sense of humor. chuck the perfectionist would tell you to lighten up, ben.

when i see alex’s name in my notifications, i feel my heart soar. i think “there he is!” even when he doesn’t reply to me or “like” my comment, i know he’s there. i think the reason why, after two years now of following alex, i feel things only strengthening between me and him, and i think it was around this time last year i realized what it is with me and him: i became attracted to alex’s mind first, then his big heart, and then his body, which if you ask me is how it’s supposed to go. yes, looks are very much important but it has to be part of the whole package if you want it to last, though. when you find yourself enamored with how they treat people - especially in his case, a guy whom people see as this guitar god, whereas he’ll always be the guy with a guitar alone in his apartment to me - how they behave when they’re alone, even how they speak, you know you’re on the right track. i came to a point last year where i started feeling aroused by the sound of his voice: i even told him that i love his voice, how warm and gentle it is and with that full ray romano/harold ramis tone to it. i especially love how it gets all husky and sensual when he talks to me, and he gets this really tender look on his face, or he smiles really big, the very second he sees me. i can’t not look at that and feel some really sweet things about him.

ben meanwhile? i couldn’t tell you how he feels. he has an instagram but he was active for about... a few months back in 2019 (before i rejoined ig, too). every time i went over there to see what things were like on his end, the more i got this slimy feeling, this nervous pit in my stomach.

i’ve talked about this, too: i’ll tell alex that i love the way he looks, or better yet, i tell him he’s handsome, and he seems to roll with it (never forget the first time i said that to him, either, and it made him blush) and i can’t even begin to say how euphoric and sexy it makes me feel. i could look at him all day long, at those deep hypnotic eyes and that gorgeous streak of gray on his head, at those lips like ripe rainier cherries off of the tree branch, at that beautiful body that’s just the right amount of chubby that i really like. i said this to ben, how i love the way his shaggy hair looks and how his slightly full body looks... and almost right after, he pretty much shaved his head and got really fat to where he resembled one of those dolls you squeeze and play-doh comes out of the head. or better yet, he resembled to homer simpson, although that’s kind of an insult to homer. between that, the fact he smokes (major turn-off for me: i don’t want to kiss you if you smell like an ashtray), and the fact that he used his own family to communicate with me when it was so easy to get in touch with him, it’s almost like he went against me from the very beginning and yet he didn’t have the balls to tell me off.

(honestly, it’s wild to believe these two men are literally the same age only 9 days apart, with ben’s birthday being today and alex’s birthday being next thursday, and the latter being far more mature about things. he’s a lot more dedicated to his craft, too: ben’s become one of those guys who’s all talk - which, as we all know, is a trait i absolutely love - whereas alex is like me, he just does it.)

guys, listen: if you don’t like me, just tell me. really. i have to figure it out on my own and it only makes me want to punch you. and ladies, if you don’t like me, be fucking women about it. real women are supposed to build each other up, you know 😉 but they don’t shame other women for their sexuality and treat them like trash in a completely worse manner that shitty men have treated them like trash.

a goal in my life is to write a memoir of all of the musical men whose lives i’ve touched since 2013, and no doubt this here will be a big part of it given my stepping away from ben opened the door for me. even after all of the nonsense with him, i still feel a bit of gratitude. without him, i never would have found lars, joey, or alex. without him, there would be no art or anything from me. i probably wouldn’t have found fanfic again - there would be no now it’s dark, no fever, nothing, really, and i never would’ve parlayed on controversy to get here, either - and i wouldn’t be writing this, either.

in a strange, morbid, twisted, royally fucked up way, i still thank ben. i think i always will, too. i’ve put him out of my radar for good and i couldn’t be bothered by anything he or kim and matt do anymore, but i still thank him, though, kind of like how my dad thanks my mom to this day, even though he’s long moved on from their fallen marriage.

like i said... know that i love you so much that i’m willing to let you go as long as i see that you’re happy.

#long reads #ben shepherd #soundgarden #personal essay #text

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p-receh · 1 year

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Smap ramblings

I stumbled upon twitter trends in japan specifically the topic of smap's legendary controversial video on january 18, 2016.

Why I brought this up? because in early January this year, Japanese news, Bunshun release their commemorative 100-year article. it includes more in-depth news in a novel format from many professional sources. And one of them was the one who was responsible for writing the script for that day.

Osamu Suzuki who was working as SmapxSmap's scriptwriter for 20 years wrote a story behind the scene from that day.

In truth I...somehow glad not joined the fandom during that year.

But it still hurt to think of how I knew and went to smap.

It began when I found this video. I want to know more about SMAP because Judgment's main protagonist is also a member of it. I still remembered the first time I heard this song, my impression was "Wow this song is really catchy! I love the instruments they'd used!"

youtube

Well tbh, I am not a fan of vocal songs. Really, I'm super picky to vocal artists. A bit weird to say why, but I am sensitive to ASMR things. No matter how high or low pitch they take, their breath control is always the number one problem for me. So my list of vocal artists can be counted with fingers compared to thousands of music varieties from electronic, instrumentals, bands, video game BGM and so much more.

But that's a bit subjective to others, moving on.

And that's what I loved about this song in the first place. It's not grand, just simple, warm and catchy beat to support the vocals. I love that the guitars at the start and the end of the song are enough to get the attention of listeners.

The lyrics are heavily inspiring too 'till this day. But what caught me off guard is the people who sing it.

I dare to say SMAP is not great when it comes to singing techniques (well, they proudly admit it's not their strongest suit). Not like V6 or Arashi or if I have to compare other boybands outside of japan in that era such as TVXQ, SuJu, Big Bang, and West Life, no, it's not that great. I'm not a fan of those but I'm fortunate to have my sisters with a wide range of boybands, especially from japan and Korea so I knew most of the boybands' qualities from them.

All SMAP members have their own unique(and odd) voice that might not be accepted by today's standards...

heck, even all of their specialties might not be accepted by today's standards :p

So distinctively unique that I can manage to determine which is which from the first time I heard the song. It is surprising that I usually can't tell the differences between the other member of a group even after many times I repeatedly listened.

Yet in all differences, when it comes to one voice, their distinct pitch instinctively blends in harmony.

Therefore Sekai is always a dear song to me with all that plus. Up until now, that song gives me uplifting hope in desperate times. (and many other examples to prove but that's a story for another time)

...and yet I shamefully regret my first SMAP video was that one.

Back to bunshun topic.

My own view of celebrities: Never like to know their slice-of-life stories. I usually look at them like stage actors: they performed, entertained, and led the show.

That's it, I don't care whatever they're up to behind the scene unless they tell them in public (via interviews, radio personality, tv shows or their own social media). And I'm still doing that for all my fav celebrities around the world. Therefore, I never had any intention to join celebrity fandom. I have high respect that every celebrity is also a human being.

But I admit there's a little bit of curiosity inside me. One of the first things in my early days as SMAP's fan was to dig deeper from the tip of the iceberg including what was really going on during that year. From both fans, journalists, and experts about the conflict around the world(yeah for some reason smap was well-known only for that alone. The fuck all their overseas acknowledgment being such a waste. why????).

And the results are...chaotic for sure. You will get absolute anxiousness about which one is true cause you almost dive into the red ocean with pieces of information scattered around. (And trust me, it still does to some people up to this day)

But one thing is certain to me, up until now, all the members were treated dirtier than I could've imagined. Being one the most successful boyband in Asia and raising their group with blood and tears... From being an underdog who had poor start to a fucking respectful group amongst the legends.

Wow...and I thought TVXQ - JYJ was enough for me.

With the new story, "201601118" by Osamu Suzuki, my point still stands. It's horrifying how much freedom of expression in Japanese media is restricted in such an extreme way. And how manipulative higher corporate to control media more than the government can.

It's also terrifying even SMAP itself who hold the title of being the vocal and the rebel group within the history of Jhonnys, "lost" to them. (The fuck they didn't get any chance to clear things up. All those things were not from their mouths sometimes irritates me)

It left the deepest scar on all members afterward.

I, for one, am realistic about when will they reunite specifically as five—no, six.

... Which could be more than a decade if they want to reunite. It's been what ... 7 years since that year? Nah still too early for them.

(To compare, it took 13 years (1996-2009) for members openly talk about Mori in public. And another 4 years to let tv crew finally broadcast about him in smapxsmap)

Yet I still have confidence in how well the members are right now. Yes, miracles do happen. By the time I posted this, more and more people were aware of SMAP's songs and videos on social media(really, many smap video suddenly gain viewers and more of them got million views).

I think this might be the time that all members are also "aware" of it in their own way to remind the audience about their birthright.

Such as one Mori dared to show the media their strong connection on his helmet(the famous five vibrant colors that create one giant star). And by the time I posted this, Mori stated in the press that he already contacted all members for his comeback as an auto racer since the huge incident last year(2 days before press).

Goro with his almighty move to play their 2005's songs "Tomodachi e~ Say what you will" and "Triangle"(that became major hit again)

Kimura loudly spoke in his concert about the news concluding that staying and singing as Johnny's Idol to protect SMAP's heritage--which he clearly irritated and corrected as their product.

Nakai's talk with Arashi's member, Matsumoto Jun, about SMAP was infamously known to rival Arashi even though in reality both of them clearly wanted to collab together before ended.

Fan report on Shingo's mentioned '5 people trip' from that famous 2013's smaxsmap holiday trip to USJ in his concert due to it was located in the same area.

or Tsuyoshi's congratulatory marriage messages from all members(and also to Shingo as well).

Yeah, it only took miracle for them to be able reunite again. But will it be as same as they did in past? ... Well...

I just believe to their leader in his departure from Jhonnys:

"it's not zero, I don't think it's 100% impossible"

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gamerswift13 · 1 year

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Birds!

Featuring the first cross-post with Tumblr!

Kia ora, friends!

Before I begin, I just want to say... hello again! (and sorry about the weird AI-generated bird)

It's been quite a while since I posted here, but that's all changing as of today. For a few months I've been writing a Substack publication about my personal fiction-writing and a bit about videogames as well, and I decided I should try something new to reach some more people. I was listening, today, to an episode of the excellent Decoder podcast from The Verge and Nilay Patel with the CEO of Tumblr and I thought, "I have a tumblr! Maybe I should use it?" so here I am. This is my most recent post, and while I'm looking for a solution to port all of my other posts over to Tumblr, I don't feel hopeful, so at least for now, you can read all of those here, and subscribe to get new posts in your inbox every Monday at 8:00AM NZST. Going forward, I will also be posting my new stuff here at the same time and date, so look out for that!

Anyway, let's dig in.

Now, if you know anything about me from Twitter or Mastodon at this point, it probably won’t surprise you to know that a bunch of my writing prompts literally come from dreams I’ve had. I figure, if it worked for Stephenie Meyer, why not me, right? Not all of my dream ideas have been good ones, and often I don’t even remember them fully, but there’s a core idea that sticks in my brain. You might remember this post from a couple of weeks ago where I woke up to a text I’d sent myself that just said “New Bees”, and while I had no idea what I had meant by that, those two words still worked for me as a great prompt - and I was pretty happy with what I ended up with.

That brings me to today’s item: Bird After Bird. I’m hesitant to call this, in it’s current form at least, a story - it’s more a description of an occurrance, if that makes sense. This is probably not something I am going to revisit any time soon because the concept is so surreal and otherworldly to me right now, but it might come up again later if I add to it, or if I have the dream again and remember more of it. Now, I’ll get to what I’ve written in a sec, but I want to put a quick content warning here; this one contains some birds being killed, so if you’re not down with that, maybe skip this one. There’s nothing graphic or gory, but it is explicitly mentioned and described. Okay, now if you’re cool with that, let’s get into the… thing I wrote.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She was picking up bird after bird from the benchtop beside her, giving them a quick knock on the backs of their necks with the handle of a knife to instantly kill them, and then placing them in a bowl at her other side. The birds sat patiently there, awaiting their turn, chirping amongst themselves, as one after another met their end. I was confused, and concerned.

"What was happening here? What is its purpose?"

And she stood there, the scene practically silent, except for the soft chirping of the birds and the dull blow of the knife handle. I watched her, motionless. She knew I was there but did not acknowledge me. “I don’t know why, but there must be a reason,” I heard myself say, and it seemed to comfort her. She didn’t reply, she just kept picking up the birds, swiftly killing them, and placing them into the bowl.

We stood there for hours. The birds kept coming, she kept working, and the bowl… never seemed to get full. Time seemed to be standing still; the sun had not moved in the sky, and the wisps of cloud in front of it remained. The air was cool and crisp and still.

I felt that I loved her, and she loved me, but the birds kept lining up next to her, one after the other, offering themselves to her knife, to her bowl. What did it mean? I asked her, but again she didn’t respond. Whatever the purpose of this action was, it seemed to be beyond us both, maybe even the birds themselves.

“I don’t know why, but there must be a reason.”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And that’s it. I felt really weird writing this, like it’s a memory that doesn’t make sense? I hope you all liked this, or at least found it interesting. I might look at doing more writing like this at some point, so let me know if that’s something you’d like to see. As always you can hit me up at the links at the bottom of the page, and if you want to see some more of my writing you can check out my Letterboxd - I recently reviewed M3GAN and it seems like I liked it more than a lot of people! 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Thanks so much for reading, everyone. I’ll talk to you all again soon.

Ka kite anō au i a koe. 💚

#fiction #surreal #short story #dream #queer writers #trans writers #lgbtqia+#non-binary writers #otautahi #christchurch #aotearoa #new zealand #writing #creative writing #writers of tumblr #writers of aotearoa #writers of new zealand

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chrisevansluv · 1 year

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it’s because they know deep down she’s the “perfect match” for him. she is exactly what he’s been saying he wants in a woman to a T. firstly she’s so aggressively his type. brown eyes? check. brown hair? check. big boobs? check. yoga ass? check. spiritual interests? check. presents as well read and sophisticated? check. artsy? check. being non-american and therefore “exotic”? check. then on top of that you add that HE followed her first? all the action has been from HIS side? because you know she’d probably still probably be with lucas bravo right no if he hadn’t followed her on twitter back in 2020. oh baby. they’re fucking scared. they know there’s a real chance he’s going to wife her up and have her be the mother of his kids. then there’s the fact that they were so fucking sure he was gonna receive the backlash of his lifetime for the age gap situation but it backfired so bad because they can’t get on code for five seconds and the general public is suffering from age gap discourse fatigue (they went public at JUST right time i swear) and also he’s a rich white man. that letter and those flyers and how his fandom has now gained a reputation rivalling the spn and k-pop stans? oh i KNOW their egos are hurting. 💀 played themselves with that letter because all the general public that care sympathize with him and her, the age gap is barely mentioned. man is untouchable fr fr. i know megan is smirking every day lmaooo.// There are millions of girls on the street who fit Chris' physical type, brown hair, brown eyes, exotic looking, spiritual and love to do yoga, love dogs and babies etc... These are superficial checks. What this fandom does not accept is neither Alba nor age gap, her and her friends' problematic behavior, their disgusting tweets. You need to be extra careful when dating someone with more reputation than yourself because the internet is forever. If he wants, he can marry this girl today, at this hour, no one can prevent him. Those who think that this fandom is trying to prevent a possible marriage or "serious" relationship, those who talk with the taste of "He is will be marry to her, cry harder lmaooo", you are no different from those who go to extremes in this fandom. Chris nor Alba are not innocent. You have become a "side" against the crazy people in the fandom but your common sense has been lost. If the "serious" relationship continues or marriage happens, of course, there be those who will lose their minds, but the general majority will say, "Married with this girl who is friends with people with racist and problematic discourses, congratulations to him" and they will move on to other "internet boyfriend".

Totally disagree. Acting like his fandom only cares about her being racist is a big reach. A year ago, no one knew about the tweets and posts, yet everybody was hating on her and calling her all sorts of names just because the POSSIBILITY of Chris dating her was on the table. When Chris was the one who was into a girl that played teenage roles and looked like one.

His fans saw how irrational it was to be hating on her for no other reason, other than their own projections on the situation, so they dig deeper to find problematic shit from the past (because everybody has done/said problematic shit in the past, even Chris), so their hate can be a bit more justified. Plot twist: it was not, and it's being called out by people outside the fandom.

"He will marry to her, cry harder" I only said it's a possibility, just like them breaking up next month. My talk goes more to: "Cry harder, and hate on her, because your fav is still dating her". And if some people aren't able to deal with that statement, the problem is on them and not me.

You definitely are on that side of the fandom who hates the fact that Chris ever laid his eyes on her, just by the way you wrote such a long essay to justify why you hate on her. And with how you tried to "minimize" that she's his type? Yeah, there are millions of girls that look and are that way, but he had been chasing Alba for a year and that's who he's dating now. So what else there is to discuss regarding that?

Like you said, "cry harder", but keep crying somewhere else that isn't my blog.

#cevansluv #anon #alba

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doiecstasy · 3 years

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She’s Confident

She’s Confident (Diluc x Reader)

Summary: Being an Imunlaukr, you were destined to travel and discover many things all around Teyvat. Even if being the lover of the uncrowned king of Mondstadt, who owns the famous winery and tavern inside the nation of freedom, you didn't stop traveling. Now that you're back from your recent travel, you wanted to taunt your boyfriend and probably show him your hidden bold attitude that is only for him to see.

Warnings: Oral, Teasing, Smut, Breeding, Impreg

Note/s: Minors DNI. I cross-posted this fic on Ao3 so if you also found it in there, don't worry. I need more Diluc fics so I wrote one and decided to share it with y'all Diluc simps. Enjoy!

Artwork: eriimyon in Twitter

The tension between the new honorary knight and the former cavalry captain in a room full of the Knights of Favonius is palpable. Very. Noticeable.

Perhaps they all know the history between the two hence no one ever dares speak up. An Imunlaukr from the clan of the grandmaster Varka and the son of Master Crepus Ragnvindr. Who would dare speak in front of them?

Except, of course, the cunning cavalry captain of the Knights of Favonius. Kaeya.

"I think it is better to sit shoulder-to-shoulder rather than facing each other. Isn't it Diluc?"

The redhead hissed, straightened up on his seat, and crossed his arms on his chest, enunciating through his actions that he is not interested in what his brother has said just a moment ago. He simply did not care and continued to stare into your azure orbs. Those blue-like ocean eyes that successfully captured his flaming ones.

Sensing how the other knights exchanged looks as if being able to communicate with just their eyes, you stood up and walked around the room to sit beside the uncrowned king of Mondstadt.

You looked over your shoulder and saw a surprised-looking knight. He seems new and shy. You could quite see that he was amazed. Mesmerized, even. A beauty like you, coming from the Imunlaukr clan with impressive combat skills and was gifted with a cryo vision matching perfectly to your blue eyes, who would not be captivated by your existence?

Glancing to your right, you saw how Diluc stilled and stared blankly in front of him, where you once seated. You smirked and looked at Kaeya, urging him to start the meeting he so-called important to the point where it needs the help of the two respected nobles of Mondstadt.

Kaeya didn't hide his smirk as he started briefing all of the people inside the room about the sightings of suspicious members of the Fatui outside the borders of Mondstadt and how the Liyue Qixing also wants to cooperate with this mission since there are also sights near Stone Gate, Liyue.

You understood how this is an important matter, for the safety of the citizens of Mondstadt is on the line. However, the man beside you once again hissed.

"Knights of Favonius, always so inefficient. Couldn't even handle matters like this alone." He said while staring directly at the cavalry captain in the center of the room.

The other knights averted their eyes on Diluc and looked down on their laps, feeling ashamed and guilty, partly because it is quite true. Something inside you was triggered and you directed your look to the redhead which caused him to look back into you.

"You can always back down, Diluc. You are not in debt to always cooperate in situations like this. After all, you are not part of the Knights of Favonius, aren't you?"

The room was quiet and an amused man was smiling boldly in the center of the room, enjoying the little show in front of him. But before everything reach its climax you stood up and excused yourself for you already know the details of the meeting.

"I'll be off now. If anyone needs something from me, I am just sheathing my claymore" you looked discreetly at Diluc, "at the practice grounds." You turned the knob and left the room with Diluc slightly shaking his head and Kaeya who is ready to irritate his brother more.

---

You saw Diluc leaving the headquarters and surmised that he is heading to Angel's Shares. You shook your head as you still couldn't fathom why the man owns a winery and tends the bar full of booze when he despises alcohol and is deeply in love with grape juice.

Picking up your claymore, you placed it back on the armory together with the other weapons exclusively for nobles like you and made your way to the tavern.

Why?

"Because I want to." You answered yourself while painting a smirk on your face.

While on your way, a hand was placed around your waist making you gasp and hold your tracks in front of little Flora's flower shop. Good thing it was almost dawn and the child is surprisingly not tending her shop at the moment.

"An Imunlaukr following a Ragnvindr, hm?" He tightens his hold on your waist, your chests now inch apart from each other. "Perhaps you need something from an ex-Knights of Favonius captain, honorary knight." He said staring directly into your orbs.

If it wasn't for the fact that you were both out in the open, you would gladly melt under his crimson eyes. But you were completely aware of your surroundings. You could feel the stares of a woman just above flora's shop. Quickly glancing in her direction, you saw the horror in her eyes and the way her hands slowly creep on her mouth as if suppressing silent sobs.

This is interesting.

Being aware that the woman's eyes are still locked in your position, you placed both of your arms around Diluc's neck and gently pulled him down to your height, making him bend slightly.

"Why don't we continue this inside your tavern, Diluc. I hate having an audience for private matters like this." You saw flames in his eyes like you've ignited something inside him. Moreover, you saw how the woman averted her gaze into you. She heard it. Definitely.

Diluc removed his arm on your waist and made his way back to his tavern. You hissed. This man never changes. But you followed him nonetheless.

When you entered the tavern you were surprised that it is empty. Considering the time, it's the hour that the tavern is supposedly packed with customers and bards. As if he has read your thoughts, Diluc answered. "The tavern is closed for today if that's what you're wondering. But I know that you heard it somewhere and to someone that we're closed for today, yet you still made your way here. So I supposed you're not here for the wine." He said while wiping mugs behind the bar.

Walking over to him, you settled on one of the seats in front of him and placed both of your elbows on the bar, plastering a smile on your face.

"I'm here for my welcome back greetings." You said while watching him. "And probably for some, 'I missed you', words as well." You still watched him and saw that he is not bothered by your words, he just continued wiping noticeably clean beer mugs. Placing your hands under your chin to support your face, you said,

"Or a kiss from you, perhaps?"

Sounds of clanking of mugs that fell on the floor were heard inside the tavern and a pair of crimson eyes were darted into your azure ones. He stopped wiping mugs and placed his hands on the edge of the bar to support himself, completely disregarding the scattered mugs on the floor.

His stares are of those like predators' look on their prey. You're sensing he got something up on his sleeves and you're not someone who backs out easily. Breaking the game of staring, you inched a little closer to him, being careful not to fall on your chair. But you saw him leave his position and slowly made his way around the bar. You followed his movements and your back is now facing his previous spot.

Diluc is now in front of you, caging you between the bar and his arms. His face is dangerously close to yours. The edge of the bar is digging behind your back, but you did not care and focused on the piece of art standing in front of you.

"Look who needs something from me, former cavalry captain of the Knights of Favonius. You said it yourself, hm?" He said and you felt shivers run down your spine.

You smirked.

"I didn't know that you hold grudges for small things like that, Diluc. I am surprised." You snickered. "After being with you for all these years, it just so happens that I only knew this trait of yours." You placed a hand on his chest.

"Is it because of how I travel? Maybe I'm traveling too much to the point of almost ignoring you."

You saw the protruding veins in his jaw. He is provoked. You internally praised yourself for making him like this.

He removed his hand on the edge of the bar and placed it on your waist while his other hand supports his body against yours. You felt him grip your side a little too tight. Maybe you're doing this a little too much for him. But you didn't care. You also like him this way.

"You changed your hair color." He said while burning his gaze into yours. "Why?"

Your previous hair color was dark brown. Your recent travel required you to change it so you colored it to ash gray. It still made you beautiful. More mesmerizing.

"Do you not like it? I could change it back for you." You said while slowly rubbing your hand on his chest.

He looked at your hand for a second and came back into your eyes. "I love it."

"Now, pick among the three." He said while smirking.

You were confused and he saw it too. "A welcome greeting, an I missed you, or..." He leaned in at your ear,

"a hot kiss from me."

He backed away from your ear and faced you once again, waiting for your answer. His eyes burning with what you could see and very well know.

Lust.

You didn't break the stare as you said your answer. "The latter."

Diluc leaned in and caught your bottom lip between his. Slightly sucking it before giving you a sloppy yet hot kiss. His hand slipped under your tight shirt, gripping and massaging your waist slightly. Your hands are now around his neck as he ravished your lips. He bit your lip and you moaned as his tongue met yours. "I fucking missed you." He said between your kisses.

The sound of wet kisses and muffled moans filled the whole tavern. You already started thinking that he did close the tavern on purpose for your arrival, but you were averted from your thoughts as he pressed his bulging erection on your thighs. You giggled between your kisses and one of your hands slowly made its way to cup his erection.

"Ah, baby," Diluc moaned parting from your lips as you slowly rub his member. Feeling how it begs to be free from his restricting pants. He finds it so hot seeing you rub your hand on his filthy cock. Slipping your hand inside his pants, you grabbed his member and slowly releasing it free from its cage. You felt proud of yourself seeing how you made Diluc all worked up.

You left your seat and situated yourself kneeling in front of his mad erection. All for you.

You pumped it several times before slowly and teasingly licking his tip already filled with pre-cum. "Ah. Baby, stop teasing." He said while running his hand on your hair.

You grabbed his balls as you took his cock in your mouth. Taking him and moaning while his cock slides in and out of your mouth. You pumped the remaining parts of his shaft that didn't fit in your mouth and you could sense that he is close to coming. Diluc was panting as you continuously blow him off, guiding your head with his hand. You intentionally ground your teeth on his cock and you felt him squirmed from pleasure.

"If you keep on doing that I might come right now, baby." He pleads. You continued sucking his cock like a popsicle until he finally came and filled your mouth. "I'm hard again just by seeing you swallow my semen, baby."

You moaned. "Then I might just suck you off again, hm." You said palming his still erect cock.

Diluc pulled you from the floor and positioned you on top of the bar. Parting your legs and settling his body between your thighs. He slowly palmed your clothed clit. "You're wet down here, hm."

He stripped you from your bottom garments and only left bare only for him to see and... taste.

Your head fell back and moans left your mouth as he eats you out like a predator. He licks, kisses, and tongue-fucks your pussy. After ravishing your mound with his mouth, Diluc inserted a finger in your opening and slowly pumps it in your hole while he's busy playing with your clit.

"Ah, Diluc... Add another in there, baby. Please." You grabbed his red hair tightly as he added another finger and this time it wasn't slow.

You heard him grunt and it vibrated to your pussy making you moan louder. His other hand snaked around your back to push your hips even more on his face.

"I fucking missed the taste of this pussy too." He said while adding another finger and continue eating your clit. You were shaking from too much pleasure but you didn't mind.

When his fingers found your g-spot, you couldn't hold it in any longer and came right in front of his face.

A moan escaped your mouth as he licked you off clean. You didn't have time to calm down as he grabbed your waist and carried you to one of the tables inside the tavern.

"I can't wait to fuck you, baby. I need you right now." He said while laying down on the hard surface. You didn't mind the discomfort as long as you're with him.

Diluc pumped his cock slowly as he watches you being impatient and desperately wants to be filled.

"Diluc stop teasing me and put it in me already." You said while massaging your breasts. He caught you off-guard when he suddenly slid it in you. Hard.

He pounded you like he never saw you for a year. When in reality, it was only for 2 weeks. Loud moans escaped from your mouth as he continuously hit your spot.

Diluc hoisted your legs up on his shoulders and fucks you deeper. A growl escaping his mouth. "Fuck, you're so tight and hot, baby. Fucking you still feels like the first time. Ah."

He leaned in and gave you sloppy kisses as he fucks the life out of you. "Want me to breed you, baby?" He said between thrusts and kisses. "Make you a Ragnvindr and mark you so no one could have you except me, hm?"

You couldn't form words from the pleasure he's giving you. You could tell that the table you're lying on will be destroyed moments from now. The idea of bearing a child of Diluc in you made you feel so hot and even more turned on.

You ground on him in sync with his thrusts. "Ah, Diluc. Yes!"

You were almost there but he slides out of you and picked you up from the table. You almost snapped from the lack of his cock in your mound, but when he placed you in front of the wall, hoisted your leg on his arm then quickly penetrated your pussy from behind, another set of loud moans escaped your mouth.

He moaned as he felt your hole clenching his cock between his heavy thrusts. Every time he thrusts it out, your pussy pulls it back in.

His other hand crept under you and rubs your clit fast, overstimulating you. "Come for me, baby. Let me fill you with my semen. I'll fucking put a baby in you."

"Ah, yes! Give it to me, baby." You said as you felt your release coming the same time he came inside you. A grunt left Diluc's mouth as his semen floods into you.

He stilled and moaned as you slowly pumped his cock back in your pussy, helping him cream your mound. "Don't want your release to come to waste." You giggled.

Diluc didn't let go of you as he very well knows you'd fall if he does. He situated you in one of the seats that have a cushion so that you'll be more comfortable after an intense fucking inside his tavern.

He grabbed tissues behind the bar and went directly to your position and slowly cleaned off the excess cum on your thighs. He helped you put back your clothes on and did the same to himself.

After a few moments, he just stared at you like you're the only woman in Teyvat. His woman.

"So, how did the ex-Knights of Favonius satisfy the honorary knight, hm?" He asked, crossing his arms on his firm chest.

You looked up to him and a smirk formed on your lips.

"Well, he did great. Very. Great. Perhaps, the other way to get railed like this again is by officially joining the Knights of Favonius." You said with a smirk on your face.

Diluc raised an eyebrow. "I hate the Knights."

You grabbed his arms and made him wrap them around your waist. You carefully stood up from your seat as your mound is still sore and you put a chaste kiss on his lips.

"But I like it when you're mad at me." You placed another kiss on his lips. "You wanna know why, hm?"

Diluc kissed you back as an answer. His tongue seeking entrance in your mouth.

"Because you fuck me harder when you're mad." You said between his kisses.

He guided your hand on his pants and a gasp left your mouth in his kisses when you felt him hard again. He parted his lips from you and whispered in your ears.

"I can't hate you, love. But I can make you suffer in bed later."

You're anticipating that 'later' in bed at home.

End.

#genshin x reader #genshin diluc #diluc x y/n #diluc x reader #diluc ragnivindr x reader #genshin smut #diluc smut #genshin impact x reader #diluc #genshin diluc x reader #diluc fic #genshin impact smut #diluc fluff #genshin imagines #my first genshin fic #enjoy

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shattered-sparks · 2 years

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This is a callout post for my online stalker who’s been stealing my art, characters, and at one point impersonated me.

I’m not expecting this to go anywhere or get popular. I just want to be left alone. I got pushed to this point and I’m exhausted. !Content warnings! This post is long and it has some stuff that not everyone will be comfy seeing/reading Edit 6/8/2022 -- Edited names so it’s the preferred name Edit 6/9/2022 -- I have gotten into contact with Luna and they have agreed to stop doing what they have done. Please do not harrass them, that will only make things worse and both me and Luna don’t want that.

Back in 2020 I deiced that I wanted to cut ties with this person. Me and them have had a history of on and off drama. Them bringing me into pointless stress, and in general not being healthy for my mental state. In hindsight I should’ve waited intel I was calmer when I wrote this message but I can’t change what I said now.

After this they decided to post videos digging up old screenshots from my time on google hangouts. Though all those old videos are private now.

If after this they decide to put them all back up I would just like to say. I’ve already apologized to them privately. I know what I did and said was wrong and I greatly regret it to this day. I wasn’t a good person back then. I’m still not one now but I’m growing and learning.

Sometimes after those videos were put up and all that drama started up me and my friend Artist who was smol in this conversation talked it out with them. Midnight was the user my stalker went at that time.

As you can see, they agreed to leave me alone after this. Everything was done. Everyone got their apologizes and we talked everything out. I thought it was over with. I was wrong. So so wrong.

2021, I see this. Mind you. Their discord was on my blocked list so I could see their username and profile picture

It didn’t stop there though. When I changed my username in 2022 from Caninewaterway to SynthCoyote this happened

They wouldn’t leave me alone even though they told me they would. I was basically lied to my face. That’s what it feels like at least. Later on I even did this.

I wasn’t even trying to think about them. I wasn’t trying to look at their socials or if they were stealing my art. So when they claim I’m stalking them I wasn’t. I was actively trying to not even think about them cause it was stressing me out.

What drove me back into thinking about them was when I got this twitter dm

Here’s some of the screenshots along with where they were copied from me

As you can see, some stuff is word for word off of mine. I would try and prove that I was the one who wrote this first but I honestly don’t know when theirs was created as like I said before. I wasn’t trying to even think about them, let alone seek out information about them. But it didn’t stop there. Not only were they impersonating me, but they was stealing me art. Here’s screenshots of their Instagram.

here’s the most recent of their instagram of their pfp being updated when I updated some art on my info carrd. I’ll show both the original and the screenshot.

I only uploaded that art to my carrd and Lux’s toyhouse profiles. No where else on my socials. So they could’ve only gotten it from those two places.

But let’s go back a bit to a video they uploaded.

Here’s the description

Hmmmmm, your sona huh. Let’s take a look at them

That’s awfully strange since they look strikingly similar to my own sona named Synth

And wouldn’t you know. Synth was created even before I posted them to my toyhouse.

Say, that top left picture looks awfully familiar. I also know where that other picture came from as well

And that one that I said my crush at the time posted to their Instagram story was only posted there. No where else online except discord and I know for sure they’re not in the discord servers I posted it in so they could’ve only gotten it from my crush at the time story. Now that I’m thinking about it it’s really weird to not only be looking at my socials when you said you’d stop bothering me but also looking at the story of someone they formally would trace art of. Warning loud sounds: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PfXoc35NaPw&ab_channel=JustAnArtist238 So now that we all know that they have a history of tracing and stealing others art. They’re still doing it to this day. This post is already getting long but to try and wrap it up we’re getting to the part where I got pushed to making this call out. Me and one other person from their past tried contacting them about the art stealing. But as you can see. We got no reply. The other person was blocked right after Luna left the group chat. Mind you, this was the only way as I’m blocked on all socials and I have them blocked on all socials so even if I unblocked them to contact them I can’t.

After this they posted this to their story. This is what drove me to making this callout post

I’m not stalking them. I’m not harassing them. I haven’t done anything but see that they have been stealing my artwork. Not only have they stolen my characters but they have stolen other people’s characters.

I’d like to take this moment to apologize to everyone who had their characters stolen from my stalker all because I drew them. I’m so sorry. I didn’t want this to happen or for you guys to get roped in. As for my Stalker Luna. Leave me alone. Stop stealing my art, my characters, stop stealing other people’s characters and please, for once. Create your own things. I’m going to apologize publicly to you. I’m sorry for what I did to you in the past, I’ve explain why I did it and I still hate myself for the things I said to you. You didn’t deserve that. But please leave me alone. Leave Artist alone. You’ve been stalking them for years and stealing their art work. I don’t want that to start all over again if you stop stealing my work. I wished the best for you when I cut you off that first time, and I’m going to say this again. I wish you the best, please get better.

#call out post

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psalloacappella · 3 years

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Flight crew AU - snippet

Finding inspo lately has kind of been like pulling teeth so I’m digging back through WIP’s and snips ✈️This deserved edits since I wrote it on the fly in that tiny twitter box lol. OG snip

In which Sakura is the best pilot from her class and Sasuke is crew + Ino best copilot/wingwoman.

“You did,” he whispers, breathing hard against her temple, feeling her coat against her chest, between them. “But not the job - I don’t care about that.”

Desperate, the way he takes her face in his hands, thinking if he holds on she can’t flit away into the bright blue world.

“It’s that you’ll always love me second.”

“You know they’re separated for a reason? Pilots and crew?”

Lingering by the cockpit near the crew rest quarters is the height of pathetic, he knows. In the aftermath, the chaotic fireworks of an illicit fling, it feels like a smoldering fire the whole route’s crew can see.

Ino’s glower cuts deep.

“Sniffing around isn’t a good look,” she says, raising her eyes up to the crew rest area above first class. “You’re so obvious.”

Sasuke sighs, expression pained. No matter the roles, he still feels responsible. He was the catalyst; in his life he’s never been “that guy.”

“It’s ending.” Voice harsh, a knife’s curt cut to drive home his point. Bitterness.

“It better be,” she hisses, folding her arms across her uniform. “I can’t stick my neck out for crew that doesn’t know their place.”

He glances at her stripes, jaw clenched.

“This is the last time. I’m . . . saying goodbye.” Dark eyes boring into Ino’s, he acutely feels the weight and tenor of his disrespect.

“She’s too good to be disgraced. This could end her career. She’s an idiot for overstepping.”

“I wanted her,” he says simply. “It’s me, too.”

The longest pause: First class dishes clinking softly, the murmurs of the engines and gentle waves of passenger conversation.

A few feet above him, she sleeps. Sasuke prepares to leave the only woman that’s ever made him feel a thing.

Pilot and cabin crew: A timeless cliche.

“You’re a mess, Uchiha.” Turning her ocean eyes back to the ceiling, she stretches tall and reaches for the ladder latch. Enters a code. “I’d better not see you on this route again. Go close the book on this.”

She sweeps past him, gifting him a hard nudge to the shoulder. He deserves it.

Pilots and crew always have separate quarters for a reason — it didn’t manage to keep their hurricane love apart.

Ascending the ladder, aware of the risk to him and the copilot, he curses himself for it all: The utter cliche of it. The drunk layovers. Whispers. Loneliness.

The lifestyle’s a difficult one, holidays and milestones celebrated on crash couches, the new year rung in halfway over a dark ocean with only your crew and passengers for company. But he jeopardized her one true love, and for that, he owed it to her to go.

Dim rest quarters, plush bunks for the pilots; long-haul routes offered comfortable accommodations, and he’d been around the world on them, whipped into a whirlwind by one of the best and youngest pilots of her flight class.

“Sasuke?” Her eyes trap him, glitter and green.

“You’re almost up again,” he says quietly, staying near the ladder. “Approach is soon.”

Sakura sits up, swings her legs to the bunkside. “But that’s not why you’re here.”

Unraveling, the frayed threads of their silence.

“I’ll make this easy for you,” he says. “I’m going.”

“Absolutely not.”

Watching one another askew, reflections bouncing at odd angles off the mirrors; seems they can only watch with distance.

“I’m taking a commuter route,” he mutters to the carpet. “I’ll work out of—”

“So that’s it, hm?” She stands, eyes blazing, feet planted. Looking every bit the charming, vivacious, undaunted young pilot he took an off-duty drink with not long after FA training. Did he know he was doomed then? “The mistakes were all mine,” she rasps, shaking her head. “This power dynamic — I disrespected that. Became a cliche.”

“And I begged you to,” he hisses. “I’m not about to ruin your career for this — for me.”

Aloud, it’s too fraught: He will take the hit, alter his course to stay out of hers and keep that runway clear.

“Don’t you see, Sasuke? I don’t deserve this position. I’m a mess.”

He snatches her jacket off a hook and tosses it at her with force. Catching it, she squares her jaw in anger.

“That’s what I want to see,” Sasuke says, acknowledging her with a handsome jerk of his chin. “The fire. You love what you do. So take it. Be the best.”

She feels the fabric in her hands, fingertips tracing delicate stitches in winding curves — her long-haul journeys, her thousands of hours in the sky. Mapping the world, her one true love.

Ah, and don’t they both know it, as their last flight ticks down to the approach.

“I’ve destroyed you,” she whispers, trailing her fingers over the epaulets. Four stripes — the culmination of her life’s work.

He crosses the small space in a few swift steps, crushing his lips on hers without pausing to breathe, tasting her for the last time, their epilogue.

“You did,” he whispers, breathing hard against her temple, feeling her coat against her chest, trapped between them. “But not the job — I don’t care about that.”

Desperate, the way he takes her face in his hands, thinking if he holds on she can’t flit away into the bright blue world.

“It’s that you’ll always love me second.”

He steps back, feels the ache and loss immediately, a stitch in the chest. “But to love you, Sakura, even second has been worth it.”

And he retreats, turning his back on her because her sorrow will absolutely ruin him.

“You’re up.”

Ten minutes later, crew and passengers alike enjoy a smooth descent and taxi, like slipping into a warm bath.

Sasuke lingers, nodding as people disembark, avoiding the blonde copilot’s sharp eyes while hating the soft warmth in his chest as he watches Sakura smile at the departures, taking compliments with grace.

When people shake hands with her, thank her, marvel at her, he knows in his heart she was born with wings.

This is what she’s made for. A thing not easily articulated but apparent the minute you meet her.

A great love, destiny at 20,000 feet.

And Sasuke knows it’s impossible to compete with a fate like this.

“We’re off-duty now, you know.”

She’s staring at him, handle of her rolling suitcase in hand. Of course he knows, and feels her gaze, unwavering.

That hunger, consuming.

“If you changed airlines,” she says, turning on her heel in a way that always manages to make him fall into line, “it could be less of a mess.”

And she starts walking, heels tapping the dirge of their great love undone, echoing across the airport floors.

He doesn’t hesitate to follow.

“Perhaps,” she says, “your name’s already been brought up at another legacy.”

“So then what would I do?” He catches up, watching the top of her pink head. Cap tucked under her arm. “Chase you around the world, meeting up when our schedules cross?”

Sakura shrugs, eyes ahead.

“Is that not what we’ve been doing anyway?”

They arrive at street-level, standing on hard concrete, bereft of words.

Then—

Sakura hands him a business card, a number scribbled on the back in a gorgeous, looping hand. “Go to your hotel,” she says. “Call her. Discuss it.”

“Sakura—”

“If you like the terms, I’ll see you at 7:00 p.m. in your finest, non-crew dress. I’ll be a stranger, and so will you. Endings and beginnings, you know.”

Her smile could power a city with its light and magic. It could chase away every cranny, small and dark.

“I’m sorry you’ve been second.” Summoning a taxi with a wave of the hand, she lets the driver take her luggage and lowers herself into the back seat. Pauses before continuing,

“But I have two great loves, and I don’t want to let go of either.”

Leaves him standing there on the curb, contemplating his fate.

Two strangers meet in a bar.

With his dark hair and eyes and hers so fair, they paint complementary shadows in the thrown curtain of dim candlelight; a new and foreign city.

They speak of everything and nothing, her considerably chattier than him, but upon taking her hand, she sinks into a companionable silence.

The bartender’s used to seeing this play out: International crews criss-crossing the globe, anonymous in a place like this. Flickering sparks of two kindred souls catching fire.

Unsurprised when they leave together, sailing into the night giddy on desire.

Watching a stern man chase a soft love.

Embarking on their star-crossed life in perpetuum, circling infinity.

#sasusaku #sasusakufic #snippet #sssnippetaday #psalloacappella

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pascalscenarios · 3 years

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Garden

Scenarios Series

Javier Peña x Reader

Summary: Javier makes you a garden

Warning: None

Words: 866

Author Note: Wrote this scenario on twitter. I had to make it longer because it was too cute not too. Enjoy - K

The sun was shining brightly through the window. You had woken up from a peaceful sleep. Your arm stretched over to the other side of the bed, but the person you wanted to touch and embrace wasn’t there. The space was empty, nothing but their imprint left on the sheets.

You sit up in bed, pulling the sheets off of you. He must be in the kitchen you thought. “Javier?” You shouted as you headed downstairs and turned into the kitchen, but it was empty.

“Hmm” You walk over to the fridge, grabbing the pitcher of orange juice and grabbing a cup from the cupboard, pouring yourself a class.

Javier and you had recently moved into a house together. It was a bit outdated, old-fashioned in ways, but it was perfect for the two of you. The reason you fell in love with it was the backyard. It was a large fenced-off area, with a lovely tree that sat in the corner. You imagined your future children having a treehouse and tire swing and Javier chasing them around it the grass space.

You also wanted a garden. You wanted a space to plant your favorite flowers. That would have to wait. You had to get your house organized first before you could even think about landscaping. You took a swig of your orange juice before setting it down and heading out to pick up the paper and check the mail.

You opened your front door, picking up the paper off the ground and moving over to the side to check the mail from the mailbox that was mounted on the side of your house.

You pick up the pile shuffling through the envelopes.

You look up noticing Javier's truck was here and the tailgate was down.

Curious, you walk down the porch steps, walking up to this truck. You looked in the back of the pick-up to notice dirt sprawled out in the back, a few broken potted plants, and stones.

“What the…” you look down noticing the trail of dirt that trailed over to the side gate that led to the backyard.

“Goddammit.” you hear Javi curse.

You make your way to the gate, lifting the latch and walking down the path. As you reach the end where it opens up, you see the backyard destroyed. Plants, pots, dirt packs, stones, scattered across the grassed area.

Javier had a shove in his hand, digging up space.

“What on earth are you doing?!”

Javier looks up to you and sighs.

“Um-I was making a garden. I know you love flowers and plants, overheard you talking to Shelby about having a garden-”

“You’re making me a garden?”

“Well trying... I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing or if I’m doing this right”

Your mouth gaped open in surprise noticing your favorite flowers.

“I went to the hardware store and checked out the garden center. I got a bunch of tulips... I wasn’t expecting you to wake up. I wanted to make a flower bed and plant the tulips before you got up to surprise you…”

You couldn’t help laughing at how defeated he sounded.

“What? Why are you laughing?”

“I’m laughing at you”

“Why is this stupid?” he sighed, his shoulders dropping. He felt like a fucking idiot.

You smile and shake your head. “No, Javi. I think it’s really sweet! Can’t believe you’re making me a garden even though we have more important things to do” You walk over kissing his sweaty cheek and pulling him into a hug.

“When I heard you talking to Shelby, you sounded excited and were dying to have one, so I thought it could be the first thing I get done.” “Well, I’ll help you out.” You set the paper and the mail down off the ground. Javier starts to dig again. You notice the hose on the ground, and an idea popping into your head. You quickly pick up.

“Hey Javi”

“Hmm?” He stops and looks up at you. You quickly squeeze the garden hose spray gun and spritz Javi.

You bust out laughing as he drops the shovel, his arms crossing to shield him from the water. You stopped spraying, his arms came down quickly and looked at you. He was drenched.

You quickly spray him again in the face.

He nods, wiping the water from his face. “Oh, you’re gonna get it now!” He says rushing after you.

“Javi No!” you shout as you run and spray him. You weren’t quick enough. He grabs you from behind, pulling your waist back into him. He takes the hose from your hands and begins to spray you down.

You both laugh as you fight over the hose.

“Okay truces! Truce!” you give up.

Javier drops the hose, turning your body to face him.

“You just had to spray me, huh” he pulls you close, your arms fling around his neck.

“Well, you were all hot and sweaty anyway. I did you a favor.” You smiled.

He playful rolls his eyes.

“I love you. I’m excited about my garden.”

“I love you too. Of course, anything for you to love.” He leans in giving you a soft kiss.

TAG // @alberta-sunrise @spacenerdpascal @ryleyrooroo @reader-s-cantina

MT // @wifeofdindjarin @icanbeyourjedi @sara-alonso@greeneyedblondie44 @hb8301

#Javier Peña #javier peña x reader #Javier #javi #Pedro Pascal #Pedro

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dustedmagazine · 2 years

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Slept Ons: The Records We Wish We’d Gotten to Earlier

We missed out on Chime School because he was off in the woods.

Every year, great records slip right by us, no matter how much music we listen to or how frantically we try to stay in the loop. Here Dusted contributors right the balance at bit by celebrating the albums that we discovered late or never got around to. Contributors include: Ian Mathers, Michael Rosenstein, Jennifer Kelly, Andrew Forell, Jonathan Shaw, Chris Liberato, Bill Meyer, Patrick Masterson and Bryon Hayes.

Aeon Station — Observatory (Sub Pop)

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[Ed. Note: We didn’t entirely sleep on this one, see our November Dust.]

The whole point of this feature, of course, is that every year no matter how you try some things slip through the cracks. But at least personally, there’s never been a record that’s felt as destined for my entry in a round up like this and yet at the same time that feels premature to include even here the way Aeon Station’s Observatory does. It’s not just that this record possibly signals the end of the wait (stretching close to 20 years now!) for the Wrens to return after 2003’s The Meadowlands, itself a fraught and delayed installment. Or that more sharply, something like five or six songs here (reports have differed) were basically finished and part of that follow up before Kevin Whelan — moved to action by a pandemic, by the death of his father, by his experience raising his neurodivergent son, by the feeling that "It’s a betrayal that I let a decade of my life go by and did nothing" — took them and wrote some more songs and played them with fellow Wrens Greg Whelan and Jerry MacDonald and told Sub Pop they had something to release. This has led to the kind of conflicting narratives and bad feeling you might expect from Whelan and fellow Wrens front man Charles Bissell, and it’s not just that there isn’t a Wrens record. It’s not just that Bissell hasn’t put out the album that will come from his own Meadowlands follow-up tracks. He hasn’t even released an apparently forthcoming statement (estimating on twitter it’s anywhere from 6.5k to 8k words long) about this album coming out and the narrative around that. Observatory sounded great on first listen, but to me it didn’t sound particularly like the Wrens (despite Whelan long being half of the band’s voice, literally and figuratively) and it took actually going over the band’s work back to back with Aeon Station’s before things started to fall into place. But it was impossible to do so without also looking further into exactly the kind of thing that can make one’s head and heart hurt about the situation. All else being equal you’d imagine most Wrens/Aeon Station listeners, even more than wanting to hear what’s next from Whelan and Bissell, would rather 30-year-plus relationships not get strained and possibly torched in order to bring us anything (or, pointedly, in order for either or both or all band members to be able to express themselves). I slept on Observatory partly because it came out late in the year and I didn’t have the time to give it before I was drawing up lists of albums, yes, but also because I knew to give any genuine response was going to take the kind of time and effort that I just wasn’t looking forward to. So now I know I love it, and also that it’s maybe the record from 2021 that causes me the most conflicting emotions, that makes me the saddest but also maybe the happiest. If you thought Whelan was trying to do that deliberately, it would be its own weird genius that he’s done so ‘about’ an album so bittersweet and so about the things we do and do not get, that we do and do not go after, in life. But I don’t think that sometimes painful resonance is a marketing ploy, or personal dig, or aesthetic gambit: I think it, too, is just life, in all its infinite disappointments and glories. One thing seems clear: This is not what any of us had planned.

Ian Mathers

Amyl & the Sniffers — Comfort to Me (ATO)

Comfort To Me by Amyl and the Sniffers

It wasn’t that I was unaware of Amyl and the Sniffers. I had, after all, much enjoyed Amy Taylor in the Sleaford Mods’ “Nudge It,” where her torrid rant lights up the final minute and, to my mind, completely eclipses Billy Nomates’ guest shot. Moreover I knew people who swore by the 2019 self-titled, though life is short and busy and full of records and I’d never gotten around to it. But on the very last Bandcamp Friday of 2021 (and maybe ever), it was time to commit. I plunked down a tenner on Comfort to Me, and it almost immediately became one of my favorites. Something about the architectural spareness of the Sniffers bass-and-drums framework, its crazed explosions of guitars and, especially, its heady, foul-mouthed front-woman. She drops the f-word while asking for angelic guidance in the very first track, my kind of punk diva, for sure. “Hertz” is best of the bunch, an unhinged paean to weekend getaways (“Take me to the beach! Take me to the country!”) that brooks no lessening in tension even when describing the good life. “Maggot” blisters surfaces with its jagged guitar riff, while still putting in a bid for love, but Taylor isn’t compromising. The Ramones-times-ten fury of “Don’t Need a Cunt Like You to Love Me” snarls and stomps at warp speed. “I’m still a good girl, don’t you fucking tell me,” sneers Taylor in the next to last “Laughing,” but it’s totally on her own terms.

Jennifer Kelly

Jeremiah M. Carter and Chelsea Bridge — The Way It Pours Into Itself (Whited Sepulchre)

The Way It Pours Into Itself by Chelsea Bridge and Jeremiah M. Carter

What with the sheer volume of limited run releases that consistently pop up within the fecund American musical sub-underground, it’s bound to happen that one or two (or many more) gems get overlooked when the year-end lists are crafted. This enigmatic CD, of which only 100 were produced, exemplifies this phenomenon. Both Carter and Mallory Linehan (a.k.a., Chelsea Bridge) have been slowly and unassumingly building their nascent discographies, which have been printed for the most part on the underappreciated cassette medium. Coming together under the Whited Sepulchre banner, a subsidiary of the Tome to the Weather Machine blog, they have created a unique work of art that for the most part managed to escape notice. To craft the three pieces of electronically manipulated acoustic drift presented here, Carter and Linehan worked apart from each other, trading sounds electronically. The Chicago-based Linehan sent violin and voice passages to Carter in Brooklyn, who then added his own sonic elements. A considerable amount of processing completed the vision. The resultant soundscapes are vast territories through which to amble. One might catch a scrambled violin melody accompanied by ghostly guitar fog banks, or an apparition of percussion beamed in from another realm altogether. A chorus of disembodied voices could be conjuring up tangled balls of scraped strings. Was that a phantom dog that just emanated the ghastliest of barks? By weaving together the best parts of their individual oeuvres, Carter and Linehan have turned the uncanny on its head, bewitching us in the process.

Bryon Hayes

Chamber 4 — Dawn To Dusk (JACC Records)

Dawn to Dusk by Chamber 4

One of my pleasures this past year has been getting better acquainted with the work of the Portuguese trumpeter, Luís Vicente. He’s both versatile and productive, so while I made it a point to attest to the merits of his spirited work in his own trio, a duo with Vasco Trilla, and a formidable quartet with John Dikeman, Hamid Drake, and William Parker, this Dawn to Dusk got past me until recently, even though it was released last summer. Chamber 4 is, as the name suggests, a quartet that improvises like a chamber ensemble. Vicente is joined by acoustic guitar-playing compatriot Marcelo dos Reis and Parisians Théo and Valentin Ceccaldi on violin and cello respectively. Dawn To Dusk, which was recorded in concert during the autumn of 2020, is their third album. While the instrumentalists do fall into roles — dos Reis generates momentum, Vicente earthy commentary, and the Ceccaldis’ fractal expansion and thorny counterpoint — their collective dynamics result in music that evolves excitingly and unpredictably.

Bill Meyer

Chime School — Chime School (Slumberland)

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Part of the fertile Bay Area indie scene, Andy Pastalaniec steps away from Seablite’s drum stool and grabs his 12-string guitar for ten tracks celebrating girls, cars, motorbikes and truancy on his aptly titled debut Chime School. Think Roger McGuinn via the paisley underground, indie labels Sarah, Fortuna Pop!, and, natch, Slumberland and you’re right there. Pastalaniec’s songs breeze along on ringing guitars, flourishes of organ and tight rhythms. An invigorating antidote to the miseries of 2021 and the rime of winter, Chime School doesn’t reinvent any wheels but the buoyant jangle of “Dead Saturdays” “Anywhere But Here” and “Calling In Sick” never gets old. A really good way to spend a happy half hour watching the rain and dreaming of escape.

Andrew Forell

consorts — distinctions (Spoonhunt)

distinctions by consorts

Over the course of 2021, bassist Dominic Lash released a slew of recordings on his Spoonhunt label from sessions by various iterations of his quartet to duos with violinist Angharad Davies to solo guitar releases to releases with collaborators like John Russell and John Butcher to realizations of Christian Wolff compositions by a jazz piano trio. One that I’ve kept going back to is distinctions, a piece by Lash for the ensemble consorts, recorded at Café Oto at his 40th birthday concert. Lash explains that “Consorts is a flexible ensemble formed in 2013 to explore the possibilities of combining sustained-tone music, improvisation (both guided and free), and the relationship between acoustic and amplified sound.” The 20-member iteration of the group here is comprised of many of Lash’s frequent collaborators, with 7 wind players, 7 string players, 3 musicians playing synthesizers and electronics, piano, harmonium and Seth Cooke credited with steel sink and metal detector. Over the course of the 46-minute piece, the musicians navigate their way through, plying extended drones, areas of spare activity and fractured lines tossed across the ensemble, all shot through with the scumbled grit of frayed overtones and burred electronic shadings. There is a patience and focus as the piece opens with the spare, timbrally rich multiplicity of instruments quietly intoning held tones, plucked notes, and textural creaks and crackles in overlapping skeins. Gradually, density mounts as layers accrue against each other, opening up to an extended section of collective, pointillistic improvisation where instruments bob in and out of the mix. The final section crescendos, caterwauling with skirling intensity shot through with insistent overblown reeds, hammered piano notes and the tectonic rumble of bass and electronics, winding down to a taut conclusion in the last moments. Listening to how the group pulls together throughout with gripping dynamism while still allowing for ensemble transparency is a tribute to their collective listening.

Michael Rosenstein

Louis Laurain — Pulses, Pipes, Patterns (INSUB Records/Carton Records)

Pulses, Pipes, Patterns by LOUIS LAURAIN

A string of releases in 2000/2001 seemed game-changers for solo trumpet. Within a few years, Greg Kelley, Axel Dörner and Franz Hautzinger put out solo releases, and Bill Dixon put out his monumental solo boxed set Odyssey. On each of their releases, the musicians delved into personal sonic experiments, deconstructing the elemental timbres of the brass instrument and reimagining the trumpet as a resonant sound generator. Of course, all of this has been absorbed and extended by musicians like Nate Wooley, Peter Evans, Birgit Ulher and others. But this release shows that there is still plenty of room for discovery. Twenty years on, French trumpet player Louis Laurain released this solo which captures the exploratory energy of those earlier releases. Utilizing trumpets, home-made amplification systems, resonating objects and field recordings, Laurain carves out five pieces which present his instrument as, in his words, “a resonating space.” Each zero in on a particular timbral area, building up layers of frictive hisses and burred breath, feedback projected through the instrument, looping percussive pops and clicks and objects placed against the bell which produce sympathetic resonances. Lorain modulates and controls this modular approach to sonic investigation through the subtle manipulation of the trumpet’s valves, tuning slides, spit valves and mutes, sometimes taking the instrument apart to project the sound across the stereo plane. While the technical mastery and resourceful invention of all this is engaging, it is Lorain’s keen structural sense that weaves all of this together into a release that I’ve continued to return to.

Michael Rosenstein

Low Life — From Squats to Lots: The Agony and XTC of Low Life (Goner)

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In the spirit of this feature, here is music born from being overlooked. So much so that on multiple songs on the third LP by Australian punks Low Life the narrator is asked, “How are you still alive?” The answer that frontman Mitch Tolman gives to this query is two-fold: by doing what needs to be done in order to survive, and by writing about it. To these ends, he’s gotten sober and relocated to Melbourne from Sydney, where the band formed in 2010 while living together in an Inner West squat house. In fact, I’m guilty of paying too little attention to Low Life myself, having failed to give their second album, Downer Edn, a chance after being underwhelmed by its teaser tracks. But if its songs are half the “growers” this set are, I only blame myself, which is what the characters in the band’s universe do best. Or worse, as Tolman speaks-sings about over the distinctly My Bloody Valentine-esque swells of “Epitaphs,” they make the mistake of believing that they can have it all. This isn’t shoegaze, though, the band insists in the liner notes; nor is it hardcore exactly (“this is not austere, disciplined music”), despite shades of both styles seeping through the echoey, haunted smog of these twelve tracks. Whatever you want to call it or not call it, From Squats to Lots is a damn near perfect album — and it’s only too fitting with the music’s resilient spirit how few in 2021 seemed to take notice, myself almost included.

Chris Liberato

Akira Rabelais — 図書館 / À la Recherche du Temps Perdu (Argeïphontes)

図書館 by Akira Rabelais

À la recherche du temps perdu by Akira Rabelais

Following 2019’s self-described magnum opus CXVI, Texan-born composer, Morton Subotnick student and Argeïphontes Lyre software creator Vincent Akira Rabelais Carté retreated from grander, more formal album statements for more than two years, opting instead to do soundtrack work and small-run cassettes. That changed in October with the simultaneous releases of 図書館 (“Library,” inspired by Haruki Murakami’s Kafka on the Shore) and À la Recherche du Temps Perdu (“In search of lost time,” not surprisingly drawn directly from Marcel Proust). Though distinct in their source material and mission, those coming to Rabelais for the first time will note the unifying themes in sonic topography across the six-plus hours of music herein; The Caretaker, Stars of the Lid and William Basinski are easy reference points, though plenty of ambient and “slow music”-minded composers are likely to spring to mind beyond that. 図書館 is the more ambiguous of the two, four roughly 20-minute pieces stringing out endless piano decay that fosters an uneasy atmosphere. It’s the massive À la Recherche du Temps Perdu (fitting for an album drawing inspiration from Proust) to which I keep returning, however: 13 tracks interpolating 51 works of Belle Époque composers capped off by “Il avait eu envie de réentendre certains quatuors de Beethoven” (“He wanted to hear some Beethoven quartets again”), an hour-long quilt of beat-up Beethoven 78s from down the long hall of a gilded Viennese palace. Each album requires sustained attention and total commitment, but if you have it, you’ll be rewarded with two of 2021’s most arresting records.

Patrick Masterson

Trhä — endlhëtonëg (Self-released)

endlhëtonëg by Trhä

The project identified only by the mysterious moniker Trhä makes songs that combine the sonic aesthetics of raw black metal, a fascination with the atavisms of dungeon synth and the occasional atmospheric gestures of bands like Tardigrada or Lamp of Murmuur. That cluster of references suggests a rather singular synthesis, and Trhä’s music is as occulted as the language (untranslatable, so far as Google can tell) the project uses on its scant internet presence. The first track on this LP is titled “ihaja endlhëjëdahhe nu jahadlhjavna gjëri ha”—you figure it out. The seemingly intentional linguistic obscurity is complemented by the project’s deployment of the anti-promotional strategy of numerous Satanic black metal bands: no names, no pictures, no firm locale, no contextual info beyond what you can dope out from the music itself. All of that can feel a bit like schtick, and given the increase in hipness that dungeon synth is currently experiencing, the intrigue threatens to signal a sort of self-important preciousness. But the music is terrific: less produced than captured, by turns moody and overheated, prone to long periods of chilly, expressionistic keyboard-based tonalities and sudden explosions of shrill and clattering blackened cacophony. The record is bonkers and haunting by equal measures. The last song and title track is an epic of creation-destruction, well worth the significant investment of time and attention required. Trhä released a lot of music in 2021 (including a good split with the mopey, nutty Celestial Sword), but endlhëtonëg is the strongest and strangest record of the bunch. Which is saying something.

Jonathan Shaw

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gunterfan1992 · 3 years

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Interview with Half Shy (the songwriter of “Monster”)

For the last few months, I’ve been collecting information for a second edition of Exploring the Land of Ooo that will also cover the production of Distant Lands. This means that I’ve started to look into the new songs that we have been graced with this year, and this of course includes “Monster,” the beautiful track from the masterpiece that is “Obsidian”. And so I reached out to the song’s writer, Half Shy, who was kind enough to chat with me via email about the songwriting process!

(Photo courtesy of Half Shy)

In many ways, Half Shy is living the creative Adventure Time fan’s dream: She got asked by Adam Muto himself to write a song for “Obsidian” after he heard her music through Bandcamp! (I’ve dabbled in fan music before, and the fact that someone from the show might listen to it just blows my mind.) What an opportunity; I am so excited for her!

Since a second edition of my book won’t be coming out until after all the Distant Lands episodes air, I thought it would be best to share my Half Shy interview now. Read on for the fascinating behind the scenes story of how Half Shy and “Monster” came to be..

GunterFan: What is your origin story? How did you get involved in music, and how did the Half Shy project come to be?

Half Shy: I’ve been making music pretty quietly since I was in high school with a keyboard and guitar. I played one or two shows a year after college when I could find a friend or my brother to get up on stage with me, but I don’t really have that performer gene in me naturally. I get too much in my head and forget what the lyrics are to the song I wrote, or what the next chord is. Total brain freeze. So that whole experience is a bit of a mental drain. It’s something I think I’d like to dig into and figure out, but right now I’m really enjoying the time writing.

Even playing a song for my friends I still get pretty nervous. That’s where the name Half Shy comes from. I’ve always been interested in making things that by their nature draw a bit of a spotlight, but at the same time, I am just really quite nervous about the attention.

I recorded my first songs under my old name Hey V Kay in my bedroom and started putting them up online one at a time. When I got enough I thought about packaging it up into an album, but then got really distracted by learning how to fix up motorcycles and going to automotive tech school. When I eventually got back around to it I named the album Gut Wrenching.

After a few years I realized that I didn’t want the day-in-day-out life of a mechanic, I just wanted to know how to fix cars for myself and to have that knowledge in my back pocket. I got back into making music but grew frustrated at the process of writing and recording songs. I felt like I wasn’t able to capture the ideas I had in my head. Like trying to draw on your computer with a mouse. Doable, but it’s not going to come out like you’d hoped.

So these last couple of years I’ve focused more on learning the technical aspect of it, from the initial ideas and lyrics, to the recording and mixing. During that process I put out Bedroom Visionaries, and while writing I happened upon the name Half Shy in an old Thesaurus which felt instantly right. Learning all of that has been fun, I even went as far as to create my own book to solidify a daily writing routine (lyricworkbook.com). All that has been a bit of a tangent from actually making much music though. I should be getting my books in December from the press so I’m really looking forward to getting back into making more music instead of dealing with printing presses, setting up websites, and sourcing ribbon suppliers.

GF: What is the story behind "Monster"? How did the show get in contact with you?

HS: I keep a log of “Song Starters” with neat things I’ve heard in the world, and I would look through it every now and then and notice just how many came from Adventure Time. Eventually I thought well, I have to make a song about this show that just keeps breaking my heart. It was around the time I was nearly done with the first [Adventure Time-inspired] song “In My Element” that I got an email from Bandcamp saying “someone bought your album (Bedroom Visionaries).”

I get maybe one or two of these a month at most so I love to go in and say hi to the person and say thanks, be curious about who they are, [and] what they’re all about. Turns out it was Adam Muto, the executive producer of the show. (I asked and he has no idea how he happened upon my stuff. He guessed that I must have tagged something #adventuretime and he just happened to see it.) So I sent him an email saying, “Hey wow thanks for checking out my tunes. Also... holy crap you’ve made the best show I have ever seen in my life.” [I] played it real cool like. After finishing up writing my second [Adventure Time-inspired] song “Betty” I couldn’t help but fangirl real hard [and I sent him another message saying], “I’m sorry this is probably awkward, but I really love your show and I wrote these songs about it.” He was incredibly kind and shared them with his Twitter Universe, and a while after that I got a random email from him saying basically, “Hey, I’m working on this thing I can’t talk about, would you be interested?” I was like… well you know I’m pretty busy working at a sign shop so I’m gonna have to pass on this once in a lifetime opportunity (J/K. Obviously I fan-girl squealed and said yes immediately).

We chatted a bit about what the project was going to be and the direction. He mentioned there [would be] two Marceline songs in the special, [and he asked if I] would I be interested in giving the love song a try? Trying real hard to suppress my instant imposter syndrome I was like, “Yea, totally I’d be into giving that a shot!” So I read through the story and loved the idea of the dragon mirrored in Marceline, thinking through how they’ve both built up a protective shell, how she grew tough for a reason, but now she can open up and be vulnerable with PB.

From there I wrote the initial demo with the first two verses mostly intact and we went back and forth a few times editing it down into the final version. I recorded the final parts for the show in my little home studio in Seattle.

GS: When you were writing the song, what emotions, thoughts, or ideas were you channeling? Was there any sort of memory of event that you were trying to artistically "catch" or "recreate" with the lyrics or music?

HS: As far as channeling an emotion, generally I’d say just the experience of existing as a human. It can be so hard to open up and be vulnerable. I can remember that feeling even as a young kid—getting really excited about something and having someone completely trash it or look at you like, “Why are you so interested in that? It’s dumb.” [It causes us to grow] a little more weary to share ourselves because we know that hurt and embarrassment. The pain of being misunderstood is something I think a lot of us can relate to. Then having to decide whether to keep sharing those vulnerable parts of yourself or think, “They’re just not going to get it, I’m going to get hurt, so why bother?” and then stop putting yourself out there. You lose a lot with that thick armor though. You might feel protected, but you’re not feeling a whole lot of anything else other than the weight and chafing of it (I had a whole lot of armor-related metaphors that I didn't end up using.).

I struggle with this in songwriting too. I’m not the bolt-of-lightning type. There are pages and pages of cliches, total garbage, bad jokes, and cheesy lines that I have to get through in order to get to something that I am excited to put out there into the world: “Here I did this thing, I know it’s a little (this or that), but I made it... What do you think?” It’s hard to open yourself up to hearing the other end of that question.

I filled about 5 little pocket notebooks just thinking through the story, ideas, and trying to get this song right. I wanted it to feel familiar and honor the past songs of the show ([e.g.,] using the ukulele and referencing a few of the familiar chords from “I’m Just Your Problem”) but also be pretty open and vulnerable and different for [Marceline]. [I wanted to] show that she’s going through some tough emotions but also figuring herself out and growing.

GF: I feel like “Monster” is, at its core, an ode to the “Bubbline” ship. How do you feel about your song being intimately connected to one of the most famous LGBTQ+ relationships in animation? Do you have any general thoughts on Marcy and PB, Bubbline, etc.?

HS: Oh, I’m a total fan girl of Bubbline. The whole story of how Rebecca Sugar and Muto slowly morphed it into this deeper relationship is just great. As a part of the LGBTQ community myself it really means so much to see the representation of characters like yourself portrayed in an intelligent way. Growing up I was too young to fully understand what was going on but I saw Ellen getting cancelled, and [I] heard people around me saying they’d never watch her show again after she came out. That stuff sinks in as a kid and so to have these characters who are not only intelligent, but funny, complex, and unapologetically strong who also happen to be queer is really great. I love that the story here isn’t about their orientation, but that they’re people struggling with how to be open and vulnerable in a relationship.

It feels like something sci-fi and animated shows do so well—to show that ridiculousness of limiting who a person should and shouldn’t love. Marceline is a 1000+ year old half-demon/vampire and PB was born from the Mothergum of an apocalyptic radioactive world, but you’re going to get hung up on them loving each other? It sort of brings it into perspective in a really interesting way.

GF: Do you have any other thoughts about the experience that you'd like to share?

HS: Just how lucky, thankful, and honored I feel to be a part of my favorite show, writing a song for one of my favorite characters. It’s also incredibly cool how the people on the show are so willing to connect and collaborate with their fandom. Everyone [on the production crew] was very open and a real joy to work with.

I’d like to give a huge “Thank you!” to Half Shy for agreeing to participate in this interview; she really was quite amiable! If you’d like to hear more of her music, check out her website and her Bandcamp. You can also follow her on Instragram here and on Twitter here. And of course, here is Half Shy’s awesome video of “Monster”.

#adventure time #atimers #adventure time distant lands #atdl #half shy #monster #bubbline #marceline #marceline the vampire queen #bubblegum #princess bubblegum #pb #adam muto #interview

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