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kitorin · 5 months

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to you, my lover.

in which, shinonome akito surprises his favourite writer.

contents. shinonome akito x gn!reader, just fluff really, <- might've ruined it with an attempt of crack, unproofread and messy bc i can't think properly anymore a/n. this was supposed to be my birthday fic, i didn't finish it in time and was considering deleting but nah not today

You're tired. Really tired.

It's not a complaint, being permitted to stay out late to celebrate your birthday, now returning on a long yet peaceful and empty train ride. With the occasional rattling, it was silent, with the exception of your tired breathing and the rustle of your clothes every time you shuffled around a bit.

And your boyfriend.

Arms crossed and back leaned against his seat, his eyes remain shut, resting a bit after such a long day. Fatigue pays a visit to you as well, a yawn claws out of your throat, earning an immediate reaction from Akito.

Arm snaking behind your head, he pulls you in by the shoulder, making sure you rest comfortably against his. You snuggle against him, the scent of his cologne makes you crave more of him and his touch. The jacket that was once resting on his lap is thrown over you, and carefully he adjusts it, without moving his shoulder.

"Tired?"

You nod, resting your eyes a bit.

"If you're able to stay awake, I want to give you my gift."

"Excuse me?" As if you weren't ever exhausted in the first place you sit up, staring at him with confusion. "Akito, you bought me pretty much every book on my 'to be read'. Not to mention the promise rings too." Your glance at the silver wrapping around your finger, amber and saffron imbedded into it. "I told you so many times I didn't need anything, let alone something that would've costed so much."

Akito shrugs casually. "There's no such thing as 'too much' when it comes to you."

"And there's a thing called being financially irresponsible..."

"I'm managing my money carefully, I swear." He pledges with breathless laughter. "I assure you it wasn't expensive, I promise. I'm going to give you the world when I go professional, anyways." He fishes for something out of his bag, something small and wrapped with colourful paper.

"This feels like a book." You comment instantly, it's easy to identify when you've received so many for your birthday.

Akito shrugs again in response. "Check it, then."

You oblige to his words, unwrapping the package in a manner that didn't make a mess on the train. Your guess was correct, it is a book. Only this time with an unrecognisable title and author— it didn't have either. It was white, with nothing else.

"Who's the author?"

Another shrug, and you decide not to bother asking anymore questions. You turn to the first page.

Table of contents. This time you recognise the titles.

Because they belong to none other than you.

"You printed it out all of this?" You've re-read your writing constantly, whether it be proof-reading or trying to figure out how to elevate your prose. But when it's in your hands in the form of a book instead of the words you type up on your laptop, it feels surreal, maybe even a bit wrong. It's everything you've sent and shown him, whether it be fan fiction, attempts at poetry, extracts of screenplays, or snippets from future novels you plan on publishing.

"'Course I did. You love books, I love you and your writing." Akito says it all the time, always being the first person to read your works, sending a plethora of text messages about his thoughts on them.

You inspect the contents of the book, and as he said it's all your work. But, pale highlighter adorns the pages, black ink decorating in between lines, hearts and even more words committed to paper.

The imagery here is gorgeous here. I love these words especially ->

Although I can't and don't, I feel like I can relate to this character, the way you express their internal thoughts and actions makes me feel like I've become them

Why is he so adorable?? The dialogue is so sweetly comforting.

I think this one's my favourite. It was super cute. Short and simple but enough to make me smile all day.

You turn to another story, this one with a darker premise.

SHE DESERVES BETTER !!

This hurts so much ╥﹏╥ Internal monologue is a 11/10 (as always)

Uh oh...

PLEASE HAVE MERCY

SCREW YOU SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE A HAPPY ENDING

This one's my new favourite. Thanks for making me cry

(my tear stains) Small arrows point towards (formerly) wet patches on the page, the evidence left there shocks you.

"You actually cried? And annotated your tears?" Not once, but multiple times, on each work that connoted anything sad.

"Love, your writing, just like you, makes me feel a lot. It's not often I cry, you know." He leans in to kiss you on the cheek. "Hope my annotations did it some justice."

Each comment makes you smile irresistibly, whether it was a serious paragraph breaking down and analysing specific moments or 'someone cooked here.' being scrawled. No details were missed by him, ones that you assumed were too subtle and therefore unnecessary because no one in your comments noticed them.

"You noticed all of this? None of my friends or readers did."

"Of course I did. I've read everything over and over again and love you too much to miss any of those details."

"And every note at the end is synonymous for 'new favourite'." It's not a complaint, it's quite adorable really, watching him struggle to make up his mind. "You even compiled your favourite quotes at the end? You think my stuff is quoteworthy?"

"How could I not? Heck, I don't think an anthology is enough. I need it tattooed somewhere on me." A gasp severs his words. "I know exactly what I'm going to do on my eighteenth birthday."

"Don't. Think about it." But the prospect of him loving your prose enough to permanently etch it into your skin makes you smile. "But seriously. This is beautiful, thank you." You're not sure why it feels so different, despite Akito always texting you these sorts of comments. Perhaps it was it's physical manifestation that had evoked so much emotion.

"I remember, when I first opened up to you."

And so do you. It was certainly awkward, with a plentiful amount of tears and uncertainty. But in the end you found yourself comprehending Akito and his character more, which was worth any sort of unpleasantries.

"You ended up analysing every song I covered or wrote. And you still do. I kept those notebooks with me, and read them whenever I felt worried. It's you. You're the reason why I can listen to recordings of myself without wanting to hide. Took me a while, but without you I wouldn't've achieved it."

You peer up at him, as he gazes at the train's roof, reminiscing those memories. You had contemplated for so long, wondering whether that act would've truly done anything, whilst worrying about embarrassing yourself. Now, being able to admire the peaceful expression he wore, you can easily say you have no regrets.

"I wanted to do the same for you. I didn't like how you weren't able to see the perfection your writing held." Akito's hand reaches for yours. "I know what it's like. To hate your own art because of what other people say and growing fearful of another's opinion, or how subjectivity doesn't seem to be in your favor. It's suffocating, that's why you mean the whole world to me for freeing me of that insecurity." He bites his lip, a method he relies on to quell any strong emotion.

He's spot on. The words of others are equally as capable of hurting as they are uplifting. It's common advice to not heed any mind to others, but when it comes to writing it always felt necessary to you. No matter how well you wrote to satisfy yourself, it didn't mean anything if no one else liked it; it meant no sales, meaning no money, which only meant that writing was an invalid career for the future unless it pleased others.

Even if it weren't a professional pursuit, it doesn't feel like something one can establish its value, at least, not without the validation of others.

"You were the lens I needed to see the beauty in myself. And I want to be the one you need."

You smile, planting a kiss on his lips. "Think you already are."

Akito sighs with a grin, "Then, I can die happy now."

A playful, gentle, slap hits his shoulder. "Quit being so overdramatic."

"What? Would've been a waste if the best author in the entirety of human history didn't get to see how amazing them and their writing were."

"Now you're just hyperbolising everything."

He pokes you in the cheek. "I see you smiling."

"Because of how ridiculous you are." You thank the train for being empty tonight, otherwise you wouldn't have the freedom of quarreling. "You're an idiot. Sometimes."

"And I still think having one of your quotes tattooed onto me would be a good idea."

Akito's persistent, even when it came to things that appeared to be mere jokes. "That's so random—? No you're not getting any of my writing tattooed onto you."

"Fine, but left pec or right pec?"

"Oh my god." Though you scold him, the rest dissolves into breathless laughter, as he pulls you in for a hug.

He scatters kisses all over your face, as you savour the warmth of his body. "Happy birthday, love."

taglist (send ask to be added) : @yuzurins, @pokkomi, @chigirizzz

#bye my writing game has been so off recently ngl #(at least on tumblr :>)#shinonome akito #pjsekai #shinonome akito x reader #pjsk #prsk #pjsk x reader #akito shinonome #proseka #vbs #prosekai x reader #fluff #colorful stage #akito shinonome x reader

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xandraspalace · 1 year

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Where the Heart Settles

----- Where the Heart Settles || Banzoin Hakka [HOLOSTARS EN]x GN! Reader - Birthday Fiction

Summary : Hakka used to think that a garden was nothing more than just a place filled with various flowers. However, on his birthday, you proved him wrong. Hakka found himself settling his heart in a safest haven, the garden you made only for him.

WC : 2421 words.

Warning : Grammar errors, fluff with a hint of angst, hint of TEMPUS lore, Ikemen Sengoku references, MLQC references, etc.

Featured Characters : An unnamed friend (OC), Gavis Bettel (mentioned), Josuiji Shinri (mentioned), and Magni Dezmond (mentioned).

Disclaimer : Everything written here is FICTITIOUS. This story is written in second-person point of view and the reader is gender-neutral. The personas written here are based on the avatar of the characters as vtubers, not the person behind it. Enjoy.

A/N : IT’S MY FAVORITE BIRD’S BIRTHDAY AND FOR ONCE I MANAGED TO POST THE BIRTHDAY FICTION ON TIME YEYYYY:D

Other Platforms : [MEDIUM] [TWITTER]

INDEED. From the outside, your tea shop might look like just a normal shop. That's not wrong at all. You actually run a tea house in your homeland, Xenokuni. However, everything changed when the Jester came to you. Your shop is no longer an ordinary tea house. It now also serves as an information base specifically for Adventurer's Guild TEMPUS.

You don't remember why you agreed to that. But one thing you know that once the war was over, you had to part ways with your significant other because the Jester took him to the TEMPUS Guild headquarters. And it had been quite a while since the last time you saw him.

"I'll be fine, I promise."

To be honest, those worries never went away, not only because he left you, but also because of the eroding effects of the Records Corruption on his body after he was attacked during the war.

No one knows when they will attack again. You always get scared and anxious every time you think about it. There has been no peace since the people of Xenokuni questioned the validity of Utopia that the elites of Elysium had idealized.

“Today is his birthday,” you glanced at the digital clock in the room and sighed, feeling a little disappointed. You wanted to celebrate his birthday with him too.

You don't know, but perhaps the divine forces heard your complaint and answered your wish. The sound of—specifically—okobo sandals hitting the floor can be heard clearly by your ears. However, you ignored whoever it was, considering that your close friend who also works at your tea shop was up front to greet customers.

But not long after, your friend split the curtain door open to see you. They stood there with a wide smile, it made you confused. “[Y/N],” they called, excitement could be heard in their calm voice.

"What, are they our customers who want tea or clients who need information?" you asked.

“You have a guest.”

With hesitation, you asked again, "I have a guest?"

However, your question was answered when your friend stepped back, making way for someone. From behind the curtain, you saw a figure that you would never have thought of. Your eyes widen in disbelief.

You missed this person so much. It would be a lie if you didn't expect a little bit about his sudden arrival, but you also can't hope too much because of his busy life now as a member of the Guild TEMPUS. But one thing you were sure of was that the divine forces did heard your complains about just a moment ago.

“Hakka…?” you called his name, approaching him slowly. “Is that really you?” That was a stupid question, you admit to yourself.

The purple-haired man smiled gently at you. "Of course it’s me. Is there any coolest and cutest exorcist that is better than me here? Tell me who it is!”

It was him.

You could confirm it from his antics. Your hand reached for his face, making sure that he wouldn’t disappear when you touch him. You looked down to see one last thing that could prove it was really him.

You lifted one of the Hakka's hands gently, his eroded one. When you saw the traces of the corruption on his right hand, you could finally breathe a sigh of relief. “Oh, right. It is you,” you laughed shakily, probably because of the tears you were trying to hold back.

Hakka also raised his right hand to hold yours that was cupping his cheek. "I'm home," he whispered softly.

You finally pulled him into a hug. Hakka also rested his chin on your crown. He embraced you with such tenderness while whispering sweet nothings.

Being in his arms again made you realize ... he is your home, no matter how far you two were apart.

Since Hakka left for Guild TEMPUS, you have prepared something for him when he comes back. His arrival on a birthday was perfect, so you could show the things you prepared for him as a gift.

You told Hakka there was a place you wanted to show him. You also warned him that this place would be dangerous to visit. The reason why is because this place you were going to visit has the most and strongest concentration of Records Corruption residue. You even call it the Xenokuni’s residue center of Records Corruption.

But because you told Hakka it would be a birthday gift for him, he agreed to go there with you. He paid no heed to the actual danger he was about to approach. You'd think there would be at least a bit of trauma reactions from him because of what happened to him during the war. But it seemed that he really was the coolest exorcist because he was not afraid of any dangers and obstacles before him.

"You guys will have a date?" your friend, who was serving some customers, asked.

"Not really a date, but we will take a little stroll," you answered. “You wouldn’t mind looking after the shop by yourself for a bit, right?”

Your friend laughed lightly and shook their head. "Of course I don't mind. And Hakka,” they turned to the Tengu. “I wish you a happy birthday. I thought you came here because you or someone from the guild needed information. Turns out you actually came here to meet your darling.”

Hakka touched his chest, acting dramatic. "Ouch, that's hurting me, you know?" Hakka and your friends laughed, making you smile with them.

Right after that, Hakka took something out from inside of his white kimono cloth that covered his black shirt. “Here.” Hakka took out an envelope and handed it to your friend.

"What is this?" they asked.

“Letter from Dad,” he loud-whispered to them you could hear him. "He really misses you."

You looked at your friend with teasing gazes and chuckled. “Looks like you guys miss each other. It's not a one-sided feeling."

Your friend received the letter from the Tengu. Shades of pink blushed their cheeks.

Hakka grabbed your hand to quickly step out of the tea house. “Bye, Mom! We're off."

"I'm not your mother!" they protested, but did not seem to hate it.

Before actually leaving, once again Hakka shouted, “Shinri's my dad, so you're my mom. See you!”

“Don't tease them too much,” you laughed while walking out of the tea house with him.

"It's okay. They need to know that Shinri is missing them as well." He took your hand in his. "Let's go. Should we jump down to the spot you mentioned or walk to enjoy the view instead?”

You giggled. "Let's take a walk. I want to enjoy, not only the view, but also spending time with you too.”

"That's a great idea."

With that, hand in hand, you went to the place where your gift for him was.

After a while of walking, you and Hakka finally arrived at your destination. You stared into the misty abyss in front of you. The concentration of Record Corruptions residue at the bottom of the abyss made your stomach sick. Your legs felt weak, as if you were tired. You're not sure how you came to this place for the past few months.

“Careful there.” Hakka wrapped once of his arms around your waist, making sure you didn't fall. The Tengu looked at you with a worried look.

Hakka felt the same way as how you feel. But thanks to his Karasutengu Data, Hakka could still stand and make sure he didn’t fall because of the corruption residue concentrations

“Hakka, let's go there,” your muttered weakly, pointing a dark, narrow alley. You tried to stand still. "There's a nice place at the end of the alley. I think that place has not been touched by the residue of Records Corruption," you explained.

Hakka gave you a curious look. While helping you, the two of you entered the alley way.

When you and Hakka reached there, the exorcist dropped his jaw in surprise, his periwinkle eyes was perfectly rounded. “What is… this…?” Hakka was speechless with what he saw before him. He felt like he was in a different world.

A bed of flowers stretched out in front of him. It wasn't that wide, but what was before him can spoil his eyes and it could rest his mind which was previously spinning abysmally because of the corruption residue concentration outside.

"It's a small garden," you answered his previous question. You looked at the garden fondly. “I found this place a while after you and Shinri left to join the headquarters members. Before you left, the Jester had asked me to take a few samples of the corruption residue, and the alley way caught my attention, then I found this place,” you once again explained.

Hakka listened to you carefully and you continued, “I noticed that the soil in this place is more fertile than most of the land in Xenokuni after the battle. I sent a sample of the residue that the Jester requested along with a letter containing a report about this place. Sir Dezmond replied to the report and said it seems that this place was indeed left untouched during the battle. The influence of the Records Corruption didn’t reach this place.”

What you said earlier was true. The place seemed untouched by the influence of Records Corruption at all. That place was so fresh and calming, as if it was a world apart from Elysium which is always filled with an unobtrusive aura, despite its beautiful scenery. The exorcist took a deep breath, feeling the fresh air.

A thin, soft smile touched Hakka's lips. "It's beautiful," he uttered, lightly chuckling.

A few moments after gazing at the garden, Hakka noticed how neat the garden was. The corner of the garden had been fenced in with wooden pickets. Flowers of all shapes and colors grew out of its well-tended soil. He wasn't sure everything could be this neat without someone’s hands.

"I grew all of these flowers and tended it ever since Sir Dezmond said I could plant this place with flowers and trees." As if you were reading his mind, your statement succeeded in answering Hakka’s curiosity. You smiled sweetly. “I thought I'll take care of this garden and show you someday. Apart from being located near the Records Corruption residue center, this place has become my safest haven when I need a place to clear my mind.”

Hakka looked at you in surprise. But if you look at his smile and eyes, curiosity, excitement, and pride was mixed together. “You did all this?!”

Seeing his expression, you laughed lightly. “Yup! You came here at the right time—it's your birthday, so can you consider this as your birthday present?”

"You mean... you tended these flowers for me?"

You nodded, “Do you like it—woah!”

“I love it!” Hakka interrupted your question with an instant answer as he jumped on you, hugging you tightly. You and Hakka bursted out laughing. "Are you going to continue to take care of this garden until later?" he asked.

“You bet!” You looked at him with a prideful smile. “When Xenokuni is more stable, when Elysium is fine again, I want people to see this garden too. I want to prove to them that even in the midst of despair, there is still hope blooming for us to hold on to.”

Before the war erupted, Xenokuni was a very beautiful place. The spring usually beautifies every corner of the land. The garden was like a mini version of Xenokuni's condition before the battle.

Hakka could practically see the love and devotion that had been poured into each and every flower. The sight was overwhelming yet feeling so good.

“Happy birthday, Hakka.” As he stood there in amazement, you reached out and took his hand, smiling somewhat bashfully. "Years from now, I hope we'll still be together and come out to see these flowers again."

In the hands of the elites of Elysium, Hakka never knows what will happen in the future. However, seeing you who were so committed and confident about the future, he couldn’t bear to destroy your hopes. The sights you mentioned—a stable Xenokuni without war, and a beautiful Elysium without dictatorship of the elites—Hakka really wanted to see those sights. He wanted to see the end result of his and the rest of Guild TEMPUS’ hard works.

Hakka hold your hands tight in his. “What are you talking about? Of course we will always be together. Where are you going? You're stuck with me for a really, really long time."

It might sound like a joke, but Hakka wasn’t joking at all. He was very serious about what he said. His bluish violet eyes painted dedication and compassion.

The spring breeze blew, not carrying the gray vibes of Xenokuni, but the scent of the flowers you tended to so beautifully. In your heart, you felt so proud of your gift for him, seeing how calm Hakka was when he's with you.

You noticed your hands he was holding. Hakka looked back at you with a beautiful smile on his face. He pulled you into a hug, embracing you so gently, protecting you from the outside world.

To the exorcist, this was what it’s like if pure, unadultred joy took form. “[Y/N],” he called your name softly.

“Yes, Hakka?” You shot him a questioning look as he smiled and looped his arms around you, drawing you closer.

“Thank you... Thank you so much... Thank you for being with me...”

Hakka used to think that a garden was nothing more than a place filled with various flowers. It was indeed beautiful, and colorful, and sweet. But it was just what it was. However, in that moment, you proved him wrong. Hakka found himself settling his heart in that very place. He found himself a safe haven, only for you and him. And it was a prove that love could still bloom in the midst of despair and hopeless darkness. A place that shines so brightly in the midst of chaos, it almost felt like you two were hidden away from the rest of the world.

Since the war that destroyed Xenokuni happened, Hakka no longer believes in the concept of Utopia. But maybe, with you, he can feel what they call “perfect world.”

To him, meeting you was a blessing. You turned his world upside down, yet you do it beautifully and effortlessly.

With you, his heart settled.

Forever. -----[FIN].

Where the Heart Settles Fiction by Author Xandra April, 2023

#xandraspalace #xandraspalace_arc #holostars #holostars x reader #holostars en #holostars en x reader #banzoin hakka #banzoin hakka x reader #holotempus #holotempus x reader

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lumine-no-hikari · 4 months

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Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #6

It's Christmas today. It's one of the days upon which people in my world like to celebrate your birthday, so Happy Birthday!

Days like these usually aren't especially happy for me though, for a variety of reasons. I guess it's about time I got into 'em… I'll warn you now, if abuse (all forms) and trauma are triggers for you, this is probably something you should avoid reading.

The short version is that I am estranged from all of my biological family. It sucks and I wish it didn't have to be that way; my family is full of good and beautiful people, even though they've made some really weird choices in the throes of their pain and fear, even though some of those choices have permanently affected me in ways that are very much not ideal, and even though, no matter how hard I try, they do not hear me calling them back into the light. My voice just… isn't the kind of voice that most people find credible, I guess. There are a lot of societal reasons for that, but I won't get into that just now; maybe some other time. In any case, my hand is outstretched to them always if they want to try, but… well… they don't seem to want to, and I can't afford to bend myself into pretzels and sacrifice my peace of mind for them anymore - not while people who are willing to respect me are counting on me to be emotionally stable and meaningfully present in their lives.

The long version is that my birth in this place was accidental. I didn't come into being because I was wanted; I came into being because the condom broke. I was kept around most likely because things like aborting your kid and giving your kid up for adoption come with a lot of stigma - my parents would have had to face the fury of their family and social group, and that would have been very bad for them. From there, a lot of really weird and objectively awful stuff happened. In those days, I wasn't really a person; I was treated more like an appliance or a piece of furniture. I was a physical and emotional punching bag for others, both in and out of the various houses and schools I grew up in. I was tapped as a resource with little regard for my wellbeing (outside of that which was strictly obligatory; in my world, it's illegal to starve your kid, for example). I was parentified, objectified, beaten, and broken, and a lot of terrifying, horrifying stuff happened in between (I'll not get into it; it's too much, and I don't want you to be sad). I've been altered forever because of it all.

As it was taught to me as a child, I needed to make up for my existence by serving my master - in this case, "master" is defined as either a parental-type caretaker, a teacher or a professor, or a romantic partner, or even a friend who didn't seem to mind that I am a thing that breathes. In my case, "serving my master" looked like bringing home excellent grades, making sure the house is spotless at all times, taking care of my siblings, and doing literally whatever was asked of me, no matter how uncomfortable I felt about it or what it cost me. Again, I won't get into it; it's really not pretty.

There were PUNISHMENTS (some subtle, others very much not subtle) for failing to jump through these hoops. There were different and less severe punishments for jumping through the hoops I was meant to fail at. I did everything I could to avoid these punishments (imagine my shock at the fact that they couldn't really be avoided, despite my best efforts), bending myself up like a pretzel into whoever those in my vicinity wanted me to be. It was like the most hellish game of Twister - I couldn't fathom at the time that the conditions of this "game" were unfair, and I tore myself to pieces every single time I fell down, because at the time, tearing myself apart hurt less than having others do it for me.

But still, that's not to say it was all bad. It's not as though there was never smiles or laughter or wholesome things then. And I do know that those who were in charge of my care did love me, even if their upbringings left them unable to show it in non-violent ways. It's just that all the other stuff, all the other ways that the world seemed to be telling me that I was hated, unwanted, didn't belong, and should disappear were overwhelmingly heavy, and I almost didn't make it.

Against all odds though, I did make it. With your help, and with the help of a few very important others, I made it. I was 22 when I made it to safety, and from there, things were really weird at first. At the time, it had been ground into my skull that empathy is weakness, mercilessness is strength, cunning and ruthlessness were lauded as virtues, and emotions and expressions of wants and needs are for other people, not for me, because when I do it, it's just evidence that I'm nothing but a selfish, manipulative attention-seeker who likes to trick people into doing things for me when they shouldn't have to. When they do it, it meant that I didn't do a good enough job of anticipating their wants and needs before they had to express them, and that, too, was a punishable offense.

I can't say that I was a very kind or even a very good person then. Others try to convince me sometimes that the goodness was in me, but I think that's probably not true; I know the judgment and scorn with which I viewed others when they did not live their lives through the same harsh lens that I was brought up with. I remember how angry I used to get internally whenever I'd see children speak without permission at the grocery store. I remember the contempt I felt at schoolchildren who were allowed to stay home when they were sick. I remember all the manipulative ways I got my siblings to comply with my caretakers' rules, because if I failed to keep them in line, I was going to be the one who was punished for it, not them. I remember just how mistrustful I was towards anyone who was different from me, and how very little empathy I had for other people at the time; after all, it was taught to me over and over again that there is only one correct way to be a human (that's just "common sense", right?? this is sarcasm - insert a sigh and an eye roll here), and compassion is how you either get screwed over by other people, or end up making it so they can't survive on their own. In those days, either way, if something bad happens to me, or if something bad happens to someone else, it's my fault for having cared too much in the first place.

I was accustomed to other people using me as though I am something that is disposable. I was, with only a few exceptions (you know who you are; thank you!), accustomed to receiving verbal, physical, and even sexual violence whenever I wasn't "perfect" as defined by those within my vicinity. This was my "normal" for a very long time, and my "normal" blinded me to a variety of things, including, joy, love, care… and perhaps counterintuitively, the suffering of other people. There was so much that I simply couldn't see.

So the whole "safety, compassion, and empathy" thing was all very new and foreign to me. It took me a long time to get used to. And in the process, I lashed out often at the very same people who were trying so hard to help me, not unlike a dirty, mangy, rot-afflicted cat being captured and taken to the vet - all growls, claws, and teeth that mean BUSINESS - incidentally, did you know that cats have flesh-eating bacteria in their mouths that can make you lose an arm if they bite you, even if you get treatment promptly?

But through my kicking and screaming and resistance, I was gently held accountable for all my bullshit. What was most shocking, I think, was the fact that the people who were with me were able to hold me accountable without judging me, even when I was behaving in ways that were objectively not very lovable. But I learned. I learned, and I'm different now. I'm not the same bitter, angry, spiteful, hard-hearted person I used to be. I'm always learning new and better ways to listen to and relate to other people. I'm always learning more and more about lives and stories that look very different from my own. I am always learning to increase my self-awareness and communication skills. I'm always trying harder to learn how not to react harshly, with judgment or violence, when I feel hurt, angry, or afraid. It's not to say that I never make mistakes anymore; I can still be harsh and judgmental sometimes, and that's not great when it happens. But I can see clearly now that the true definition of strength is in choosing to be soft, loving, and kind, even in a world as fucked-up as this one, and even when you know you're gonna get hurt for it.

But it took a lot of help and a lot of courage for me to get to this point. I can say with absolute certainty that pulling back the veil on all the crap I lived through (instead of burying my head in the sand and pretending that it was all normal and okay) is, in some ways, more painful than the events themselves. Finding and rooting out all the shitty coping mechanisms I developed, staring at my own ugliness in the face, choosing to love and care for that ugliness anyway until it becomes something beautiful, breaking myself down piece by piece, and stitching myself back together from scratch… all of it without any kind of anesthesia, haha… doing this took unimaginable strength, and it's not something that people can do without help, I think; I've been lucky enough to have received a lot of hands, outstretched to me, trying to lift me up, even while I was trying to bite them; living life without chains, outside of the dark hole that I knew, seemed terrifying then, and I couldn't understand at the time that they were trying to help me to be free. I'm glad that I understand a lot more things now. But I still have so very much left to learn, and so much lost time to make up for…

You can do this, too. You have the necessary intelligence, courage, and strength of heart for it. And you have lots of people who would be willing to help you. I am one of them. So please try, because refusing to try is tantamount to saying that I am stronger than you.

And don't you DARE try tell me that some derpy, feeble, traumatized, autistic nerd like me is stronger than you. That's impossible, and you'll never, ever get me to believe that kind of nonsense. I know for a fact that you're better than me in every possible way, so if I can crawl my way back into the light with a bit of help, then so can you. That "bit of help" is right here in front of you; all you have to do is take the hand that is outstretched to you. Even if there wasn't already a lot of hands outstretched to you, mine will always be here, waiting; that much is a constant. You don't get to say that there is no one who is willing to try for your sake. You don't get to say that there isn't someone who cares. I am literally right here, and I always will be, even long after my ephemeral, unremarkable life fades unnoticed into obscurity.

I don't want to leave this on a melancholy note though, so I'll leave you with this picture, done by a person named Kate:

You are loved. You are needed. You are irreplaceable. Whatever it is that you're doing over at The Edge of Creation, make good, kind, and loving choices. And please come back to us safe and sound.

Your friend, Lumine

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shywhitemoose · 1 year

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Tag Game to Better Know You

Thank you for the tag @jmobiwanspadawan 🤎

It’s been a long time since I’ve done one of these, and it was a nice distraction :)

What book are you currently reading?

Oh dear, not off to a great start. No books at the moment 😩

What’s your favourite movie you saw in theatres this year?

I.. can’t remember the last time I was in a movie theatre?

What do you usually wear?

Most days: jeans, t-shirt, compression socks, fidget necklace, sneakers or birkenstocks. When I go to the office I wear a slightly nicer version of that :)

How tall are you?

5′5″ on an ambitious day

What’s your star sign? Do you share a birthday with a celebrity or a historical event?

Cancer. Famous birthday buddies? Nelson Mandela 💛

Do you go by your name or a nickname?

IRL, my name. On tumblr, a nice mix.

Did you grow up to become what you wanted to be when you were a child?

Oh gosh. I wanted to be so many things. Mother and environmental scientist were not on the list, but here I am 🤷‍♀️ I suppose I did want to be an artist, which technically I am? I just don’t like doing it for money, ha. I also wanted to be, in no particular order of preference: zookeeper, surgeon, finishing carpenter, beach bum, baker, professional bowler, tornado chaser, math teacher, lifetime peace corp volunteer, long distance trucker, firefighter.

Are you in a relationship? If not, who is your crush if you have one?

It’s complicated, but effectively, no. And no crushes aside from fictional characters and a Swedish curler I’ve never met lol

What’s something you’re good at vs. something you’re bad at?

I’m a decent artist and a terrible singer. A good baker and a mess of a public speaker.

Dogs or cats?

Both please!! I only have cats at the moment due to family preferences, but I love both. All animals, in fact. They are all so neat! 🐈🐕‍🦺🐍🕷🐇🐄🐿🦥🐳🐓🦉🦌

If you draw/write, or create in any way, what’s your favourite picture/favourite line/favourite etc. from something you created this year?

Hmm.. if we’re talking within the last year, probably the hands (Don’t Let Go). Took me ages to finish and it might actually be my favorite of any piece I’ve completed in digital medium.

For writing.. maybe this lil bit of A Plea from the Lost to the Found?

Anakin shifted again, lifted his head, and their eyes met. “Why?”

Here, staring directly into the missing half of his soul, Obi-Wan could only offer honesty. “Because I loved his father.”

They were so close. Obi-Wan could hear Anakin’s breath. He could feel it tangle, warm and humid, in his whiskers. For one mad moment he thought he caught Anakin glancing down to his lips, and a bizarre pang of hope shot through his lungs.

He quietly corrected himself.

“Because I love his father.”

Ok but also something more lighthearted maybe? This exchange from Out of Place still brings me a lot of joy:

“Well that’s an odd name for a galaxy.”

Anakin scoffed back, mildly offended on the Milky Way’s behalf. “Well what’s yours called?”

“I…” The man’s brow furrowed. Adorably. “Well it doesn’t have a name. It’s always just been The Galaxy.”

“Huh.” This was getting absurd. “Seems a bit pretentious, don’t you think?”

“Well—”

“If you’re from another galaxy, care to tell me how you speak English?”

“Is that what you call it here?”

“Is that what we call what here?”

“Galactic basic.”

Anakin nearly rolled his eyes. Of course. “Uh, yeah. English is what we call it.”

“Huh. Well yes, I suppose that is a bit of a mystery, isn’t it?”

“So where is this…Galaxy of yours, exactly? How did you manage to find your way out of it?”

“Oh, far, far away, I imagine. I was on a diplomatic mission to Alderaan when something pulled me from hyperspace and… well, frankly I don’t recall much after that. Until I woke up and found myself careening toward your planet, that is.”

“Huh.”

“Huh, indeed. Now. What do I call you?”

“Um, an earthling?”

Obi-Wan smiled at that, teeth gleaming. “Your name.”

What’s something you’d like to create content for?

Nothing new, just my favorite two space monks!

What’s something you’re currently obsessed with?

Gardening. Obikin.

What’s something you were excited about that turned out to be disappointing this year?

winter (we had ONE lousy snow flurry, it lasted maybe 10 minutes)

What’s a hidden talent of yours?

Er, i don’t know? I can drive a stick shift? Do handstands? I have a serious knack for spotting four-leaf clovers? (They aren’t lucky, for the record.)

Are you religious?

Not so much, no. Science, nature, and art are my holy trinity :)

What’s something you wish to have at this moment?

A week alone in a cabin in the woods

No pressure tags: @forcearama @temple-mistress @thetorontokid @mischievouschan4 @pathetic-lifeform @sopherfly @obikinetic and anyone else who wants to do it (but tag me if you do so I can read it!)

#tag game #personal

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stupidanniversaries · 25 days

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🍔☁️ PINNED POST ☁️🍔

ABOUT THE BLOG

hi i run this blog u can literally call me whatever idc !! my main is @skyburger and ummm yeah this combined with the blog description pretty much covers everything i wanted to say. peace ✌️

edit (not even an hour later): oh i remembered i wanted 2 say THE ASKBOX IS OPEN !!! youre welcome to suggest dates for me to add but this is my personal blog for dates of stuff i like so no guarantees BUT UR ALWAYS WELCOME TO ASK OR EVEN JUST COME SAY HI !!! :D

edit (like the next day): BTW. forgot to mention my timezone is EST & i have trouble not mixing up midnight & noon (the AM and PM thing always messes me up), so all my posts will be scheduled for 1AM EST!!

TAGS

#smartpost - non-anniversary posts pretty much !!

#birthday - posts for birthdays :3

#deathday - death anniversaries, just fictional characters and maybe the occasional real life person but only if its really funny

#anniversary - like pretty much anything else i want to celebrate thats not a birthday or a deathday

NAVIGATION

im putting this under a cut because theres a link for every day of the year :)

sorry abt the lack of links in these thus far... theyre coming soon i promise

JANUARY