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krypticcafe · 9 months

Note

Can please get fic where young reader almost gets r-word.. like! What happened to ellie on 'the last of us' like make it into that situation, reader kills the rapist and flees away and runs into the 141 team, and their like in this state of like panic, but they calm them down and they explain what happened they are beyond livid so they just reck hell on the people who was with the man who tried to r-word reader.

(this a platonic relationship between reader and the team)

Me and the Devil

rating: mature

pairing(s): platonic 141 x gn!reader

warning(s): no use of y/n, dead dove do not eat, non-explicit attempted r*pe, emotional and physical trauma, sexual physical and mental violence, canon-typical graphic violence, comfort

wordcount: ~3.8k

a/n: i'm not exactly sure what anon meant by young, but for context, reader is probably 20-22, I'm just not comfortable writing this kinda stuff for teen or child reader, I hope you don't mind. also, huge, HUGE emphasis on the warnings. though nothing is explicit and there are no sexual graphic terms, the descriptions and actions alone are still very disturbing and uncomfortable! and the violence is a little uncomfy for those not used to it, too. title is from 'Me and the Devil' - Soap&Skin

synopsis: You can see it. The devil. It laughs, and laughs, and laughs, mocks you for your childish stupidity and naivete. To think the angels would come marching in, that you'd make it out with any semblance of sanity. You can't fight it, you can't even hide from it. All you can do is lie in your grave.

Just hours ago, you were alongside the 141, cleaning up and wiping out an enemy base, a typical Tuesday on a summer afternoon. You should've known things would go downhill with how smoothly it was all going. Even Price commented on it with an air of wariness and suspicion. After all, it was a saying that if the fight starts getting too easy, then it's an ambush. And an ambush it was. You want to tell yourself that it was nothing, easy as pie compared to what you've been through. You wanted to say that it was a success and you turned the tables on your enemies. You wanted to say that it ended within a matter of minutes and that you were on your way back to base with your boys, ready for a night of banter at the pub. You'd join Ghost in watching Soap and Gaz try their hand at poker, taking a shot each time Soap's dogshit luck lost him another couple of euros while Price would pry Roach from having another cocktail and piss himself ('it was one time!' he slurs).

But instead, you're here. Locked in a room, bag over your head, tied to a chair, a stereotypical hostage situation but that didn't make it any less tolerable. Though having a potato sack over your head was nowhere near as embarrassing as the reason why you were captured. You tried your best to hold onto the jeep, honestly, you did. Until some ankle-biter decided to latch onto you and sink his teeth into your flesh, causing your grip to loosen and send you tumbling into the dirt. Your bodies slammed into the ground, kicking up dust and your opponent taking most of the fall damage for you. How thoughtful.

Seething at the audacity he had to chomp on your leg like some feral mutt, you gave him a piece of your mind and made sure he'd never bite another ankle again. His friends caught up the moment you were done. They dragged you back down to the coarse dirt and sand of the earth, making you taste and choke on dust. You looked at the lifeless figure in the sand, briefly wondering if you'd be wishing you were him before a bag was slipped over your head and tied like a collar. It didn't help that the sand on the roof of your mouth combined with your ineffective attempts to ration your breathing made for a burn worse than any hard liquor down your throat. Thrashing and shouting like a madman, you cursed them like some teenager who discovered swearing as they tossed you into the back of a truck, rolling you forth with the heels of their boots. Not your finest moment.

Once you were loaded and the rest of them climbed on, the truck shot forward without slowing down for a second, taking you to your own personal hell for the next few days. Knowing the 141, they were probably at the safehouse, planning their next move to retrieve you. In the time between interrogations and routine attempts to break you, you could imagine Soap and Roach pacing around the room, Ghost brandishing a knife with a dark look in his eyes, and Price looming over a map and pulling up contacts with Gaz at his side. While you hated to burden them with your own mistakes, thinking about them all gnawing their teeth in comical anger at your expense brought you momentary comfort, eliciting a small chuckle.

"Something funny?" Much to your ire, all your thoughts were interrupted by the sound of several people shuffling into the room. You could only expect so much privacy in a place like this. The man who spoke up seemed to carry himself like a leader, considering how he spoke above all others and you could hear him carrying out demands every now and then, checking up on you as if he actually gave a shit. And currently, he was on the top of your "to kill" list, along with every other cunt in this prison.

"What'll it be today, more screaming or more silence? You know, you can only stay quiet for so long." He sighed. Judging by the sound of metal screeching on concrete, he pulled up a front-row seat. With a single yank, you were again temporarily freed of the confines of the bag on your face, glaring at the man with a look of ferocity that seemed as if it were etched on your face permanently. His clothes were disturbingly clean-cut and polished despite the blood he spilled for the past few days. Your blood he spilled. "Come now... you know you'll only make things more difficult. Face it, kid, they're not coming, it's been days."

When you felt gloved fingers touch your jaw you snapped, pulling away like an animal restrained by a leash. Your captor let out a taunting "Oooh", and your skin crawled at how he heckled and laughed like some adolescent boy poking a rabid animal with a stick through its cage. "So it bites."

"Fuck you." You rasped.

"And it talks." The humiliation of their nonchalant attitudes made you seethe, you knew it was a tactic to get under your skin and you just wouldn't have it, turning your head away from the men.

"Uh-uh, eyes on me. How is such a fresh thing like you out fighting wars with men like them?" He hummed, gripping your jaw with a strength that took you by surprise and had you wincing. Even though his hands were gloved, it felt as if he were trying to dig into your skin. With no other choice, you were forced to look into his eyes, the pyres of unimaginable anger burning in yours.

However, it was then that you felt it. Something was off. Something was horribly off about him. The several times he'd come in here to either coax you with gentle words or have his men beat you within an inch of your life, he either had some faux kindness or gleeful malice painted across his face. But this time, his eyes were alight with slimy delight. You hated it, Hated how it made you feel small, cornered, pulling on your leash so that you couldn't be yanked from the one place that made you feel safe. You hated how it didn't feel like he was trying to get under your skin, or sink into your bones but instead your mind as if to violate it. You hated how it seemed like he had something more in mind, something that you couldn't predict like a kick to the ribs or a carefully worded reassurance that you'd be in "good hands". It was the one thing you felt like you had control over, knowing what was next, and now you didn't.

With a wave of his hand, his men all filed out of the room, leaving just him and you alone. One came back with a bowl in their hands and you felt yourself doubt your worries. Were you already beginning to lose it in here? "Hungry?" He smiled, taking the bowl and dismissing the soldier. It looked and smelled like a stew, potatoes, and beef, not scraps of stale bread or lukewarm, half-empty beer cans.

"I asked them to make something special today for you, isn't that nice? I suppose even someone like you has a taste for the finer things in life and wouldn't say yes to leftovers." No answer came but it was to be expected as he mixed the stew with a spoon. Your eyes were trained on his face instead, expecting some kind of strings attached. He entertained that expectation by—to your disgust—spitting into the stew, mixing it more, and bringing up a spoonful to your face. "Consider that the cost of being so picky. Open wide, soldier. Surely you won't make a fuss again, now will you?"

There was a pause, you leaned forward, lips ghosting the tip of the spoon before you roughly shoved his chair away from you with your boot. The bowl fell from his hands onto the ground, pooling between the two of you. He could go to hell with his stupid fucking soup.

He let out a scowl of disapproval, his self-satisfied smirk replaced with disgust and irritation like a parent to their troublemaking child. Fine with you, you didn't need that asshole's approval. He stood, grabbing a handkerchief from his breast pocket and wiping his hands and the small splatters on his uniform. "Should've known better that the government's pets would act like such animals. I gave you a chance, I tried to make this easy for you." He snarled, tossing his handkerchief aside and grabbing you by the collar, "But no, you just had to be a fucking brat, huh? Fine, be one. I can work with that. Either way, you'll be put in your place soon enough."

Before you could comprehend what he was implying, he slashed the ropes that binded you to your chair with a combat knife and shoved you to the floor, your head throbbing as it hit concrete, along with the rest of your aching muscles. Vision blurred, you sat up and tried to make out what he was doing, falling back when he roughly grabbed your hair and shoved your head back down into the ground. Like an alarm, every single flight or fight response went off in your body and yet you couldn't figure out what he was trying, you just knew that this was something worse and that you were a fool to let your guard down for a single second.

A twisted smile broke across his lips, "You know, you have a very lovely voice. You sing the loveliest songs."

Your brows furrowed, confusion flashing across your face until you let out a yelp of pain when he pressed into your stomach, already bruised from previous matters. He let out a sigh that made you shudder and you felt bile creep up your throat, moving your face to the side in fear that you'd choke on it.

"Eyes. On. Me." He snapped, his voice sounding so much louder than it actually was, his hand twisting your jaw back to look up at him while his fingers proceeded to dig themselves into whatever spots got you hissing and squirming away. That's all it took for your resolve to break, the blaze in your eyes fizzling out and replace with genuine fear and utter shock as you watched him straddle you and stare with a piercing gaze that trapped you. It forced your attention to stay on him, daring you to look anywhere else but him when that was all you could focus on. Him.

You couldn't even scream, paralyzed when you heard the sound of metal clinking against metal and the brushing of fabric, raw horror setting itself alight in your bones at how he loomed over you. At that moment, you swore you could see the devil itself laughing, cackling, mocking you in his eyes.

It was like you were seven again.

Scared, cornered in your room because you swore, you swore and sobbed and cried that you saw it, a monster in your closet. A dark, shadowy figure that'd taunt you merely with its existence and prayed on your downfall, drinking the fat tears you spilled and listening to your high-pitched cries as if they were music, eyes that you couldn't see but they could see you.

Others tried to convince you that it wasn't real, opened the doors, and closed them again, showing that there was nothing but cleanly folded clothes and hung-up jackets lined neatly along a rack. Every time, you'd feel a little more silly about your fears but anxious that they'd come back for more.

At some point, you nearly forgot about the monster altogether. It ceased to exist in your closet, but never your mind.

"Damn it, what now?!"

Pulled back into the present, you heard muffled speech with loud, obtrusive noises and more screaming and cursing from the man above you. He was faced with the still-closed door, talking to a soldier behind it. Instead of trying to catch up with what happened, your mind raced to its defensive instincts. Finding the spoon dropped from earlier, you reached for it with a strained grunt which caught his attention. Yet with a swift grab and thrust of your hand, you jammed the blunt handle of the spoon into his throat and screamed at him, your vocal cords ripping in deliriously satisfying pain.

Barely giving him a second to let out a final gasp for air, you flipped him over underneath you and yanked the spoon out, blood erupting out of the gash. Fire ignited in your veins and you balled your fists, giving him a taste of the rage of a caged beast with nothing left to lose, just the desperation to survive for more. It was a symphony of grotesque crunches of bone and ligament, and you yelled, screamed, and cursed with each impact at him, at the entire organization, at a godless world for making you live through hell. A pitiful yet gruesomely satisfying attempt to reclaim what sanity and control you lost in that room.

Blood and flesh coated your fingers like warm syrup, and you were sure your knuckles were split. Crimson red was a good look on a sterile uniform, you thought to yourself. The sight of your work made you realize it wasn't the devil in his eyes was laughing at you, but rather its reflection from over your shoulder, still gleefully singing and squealing with delight as it watched you indulge in pure, unadulterated wrath. Its tail wrapped around your neck, strangling you with delirium and bloodthirst, guiding you in your ear as you beat an already dead man to a pulp.

Taking a stand, its whispers remained in your ear, praising you and yet you felt sick looking at what was left of what you had done, of what was left of the man's face. His blood pooled around his shoulders, mixing with the stew into an unholy concoction, evidence that was a testimony to your suffering and to your sin. Using his combat knife, you cut through the ropes around your wrists, skin scratched raw and bleeding. Without a second glance, you took his gun and left the room.

To this day, you tell yourself that you crawled out of hell that day.

"Any signs of the hostage?" Gaz shouted over comms, holding off a room of enemies alongside Price.

The moment they had all seen your fingers slip from the jeep and saw you tumble away that afternoon was the moment they knew they wouldn't be coming back to base for a long time. Roach had watched in despair as he was so damn close to grabbing your hand, swearing that had he'd been a little quicker, you wouldn't be here. Soap had yelled for Price to go back but Gaz and Ghost both knew his hand wasn't going to turn that wheel anytime soon. All of them knew. They couldn't turn back, and you wouldn't have wanted them to either, not unless the entire team and mission were to be jeopardized. However, that didn't stop them from doing whatever it takes to get you back safe again.

"Negative." Ghost answered over the line, standing with Soap in a hallway painted with the blood of the opposition, bodies scattered like lifeless bags of flesh with no greater purpose than to rot.

"I have eyes on them, they escaped from captivity. Currently pursuing them!" Roach responded. He'd seen your figure run down a hall at an alarming speed, and when he followed you, he had a glimpse of the room and the spectacle you left behind, "The leader is terminated, too. Jesus, can someone get over here?! They're gunning it for the west exit and I can barely keep up!"

You were in fact, bolting for the exits, panicking the more you got lost and running so fast that you probably could've broken a record on base. Distant gunfire and blasts snapped at your heels like a pack of dogs, reminding you that if you didn't keep running, you'd be dead, you'd be torn apart and beaten just like their leader and fed to the wolves. Boots trampled the ground behind you like drums of death, the yelling of men ringing in your ears, a requiem to the inevitable. Run, just run, it's all you could do in this frenzied state. If you didn't you'd be helpless, you'd be put down like a rabid fucking animal. Run, even if your bones shook from the pain, even if flames licked at your torn muscles, even if it meant dying of exhaustion because anything was better than dying at the hands of those animals.

At last, you found the light of an exit, finally an escape from this asylum. Your heart felt lighter when sunlight kissed your skin only to be weighed down by getting slammed into, grabbed into a relentless hold. You screeched, shrieked, snapped, and sneered while the voices seemed relieved, almost happy at your capture.

"Don't fucking touch me-!" You screamed with animosity, practically frothing at the mouth, "Don't fucking touch me I'll fucking kill you! I'll fucking—"

"Friendly, friendly!"

Still growling under your breath, confusion flickered over your eyes. Why did it sound like... like...

"Captain?"

"You're safe kid," Price panted, as if he'd been running to chase you. He was chasing you. In all your hysteria, you hadn't realized that the group had been running after you for past minute or so, trying to call for you, get you to slow down. The only thing that worked was to just grab to and hopefully knock some sense into you or knock you out. "It's just us, see?"

Your gaze softened, taking in the features of the man before you. Despite the crossfire and fighting, somehow he still had such a kind look on him, puppy eyes that pitied you and kept you grounded. Turning your head, you saw the rest of the men watching you in concern, all tired but overjoyed nonetheless that you were finally back.

You were safe.

It was like a weight finally lifted off your chest, a pile of restrained misery and relief washing over you, and you wept without a thought to pride. Price whispered your name in a way that felt so comfortingly familiar, tucking your head into his shoulder and letting you muffle your sobs into his uniform. It was painful to hear your wails, the relief and the instability shaking off of you in waves. A part of you expected to be scolded, to be teased for messing up so badly with a simple mistake as letting go of the jeep but they didn't.

"You're in good hands,"

"We've got them covered,"

"They can't hurt you anymore, love."

"Do you have any major injuries?" Gaz asked, but you couldn't say a thing, clinging onto Price's jacket and crying like you were four years old and found by your parents after getting lost. Slowly and gently, Price pulled you from him to examine you, and that's when he saw it. It didn't take long for the others to notice as well. Your clothes were torn and belt undone. While no physical harm was visible, knowing what happened was enough to make Price tick.

"Roach, get them to the car and give them some spares ASAP. Everyone else with me, we're cleaning out the place." Everyone else had the same dark look in their eyes, one that sent shivers down your spine but encouraged you once more you were secure now. While Roach escorted you away, you peeked back to see them disappear back into the building. After you changed in the car, you could hear the distant gunfire and screams, shutting your eyes closed tight, making an effort to drown out the thoughts.

"You okay?" Roach frowned. he had apologized to you a dozen times over on your way to the car and explained all that happened after you were taken, which you appreciated him for and insisted it wasn't his fault. But he was sweet and stubborn, bandaging your wounds and telling you he'd make it up by giving you his dessert for the next month, a gesture that made you smile for once in a while.

"Yeah, yeah just... hope they're safe." You breathed, sinking into your seat with the rest of your thoughts. Though you cried once more, quietly this time and on Roach's shoulder. He was cautious not to initiate too much physical contact, holding your hand only when you asked for it.

The building was silent, not a single soul left to be reaped by the 141. They all regrouped around a body that was beaten beyond belief, to the point where the face was unrecognizable. Regardless, they knew who it was.

Gaz broke the silence, "You think they did this?" They all looked at each other, not wanting to imagine what happened to lead to this point.

Ghost nodded, a confirmation of something they already knew but wanted to mutually agree on. "No one else could've made this much of a bloody mess. HQ's going to have a field day with this. Can't say that he didn't have it coming for him, though."

"And well deserved, too." Soap spat. Price continued to look down on the figure on the floor without any thought to it. Not anger, disappointment, or spite, just disregard. Headquarters would be interested to hear what happened, but he could care less about the report. All that mattered was that loose ends were tied.

Minutes later, the men all piled up in the car again, setting for the road back. You woke from your half-asleep state, rubbing your eyes. You were met with a soft smile from Soap, who ruffled your hair. "You alright there, sleepin' beauty?"

Humming in acknowledgment, you nodded and glanced out the window to see the road whizzing by, the building growing smaller and smaller in the distance. Some dingy warehouse. So that was the hellhole you were stuck in for a near week.

"Dinnae think 'bout it too much," He followed your gaze and nudged your boot with his, "When we said they can't hurt ye anymore, we meant it."

"Yeah," You quietly mumbled, leaning back on Roach, who had fallen asleep and leaned on Gaz for support. "Can smell it on you guys."

That got a rumbling laugh out of Soap and even a little headshake from Ghost who sat in the passenger seat. Looking at the rearview mirror, Price was looking right back at you, eyes flickering to the road occasionally, "Get some rest. It'll be a long ride home."

You nodded like a little kid with a mumbled "yessir" and drifted off once more. For the first time in forever, you feel like you can breathe and ground yourself, no punishment, no torture, nothing to haunt in this rare bit of calm. You didn't feel the pain of your sore muscles, you didn't feel that your body was filthy, you didn't feel small and scared, not anymore. Just surrounded by nothing but a familiar feeling of safety and lulled to sleep by the sound of the engine that took you home.

a/n pt.2: had a tough time writing this one but hey, I think I managed! to be honest, though, I'm not super confident about the ending and proofread this while half-asleep, but I'd love to hear some thoughts about it. shoutout to the people who noticed any reoccurring themes.

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worukin · 1 year

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╭୨୧︰ prince yandere x servant reader

・✦⇢ working as a butler was something you did willingly. after all, serving the royal family earned you lots of coin. and you were such a loyal servant that the prince couldn't help but want to snatch you up for himself.

︰꒰1・ ( warnings ) — slight possessive behaviour, yandere themes, clinginess, pet names, lots of affection, showing y/n off like a trophy.

︰꒰2・ ( notes ) — originally intended to make the yandere a vampire but i wasn't too sure. maybe in the near future? ahh idk. but i do have things planned. anyway, a little something for being absent as i work on bigger drafts! ( word count: insert wc )

( if you are uncomfy with this type of content, kindly block me instead. this was very fun to write hope you enjoy <3 )

After a long time of working in such a place, you found your way through the maze of hallways covered with odd decor.

Sometimes there would be paintings of people who were nude and it did fluster you quite a bit. Or a statue of an unknown person, maybe even some vases filled with flowers. All to tend to the taste of the Royal family.

Now, you've been here for such a long time now and grown used to The Prince's silly antics. Always asking you to do your chores around his wing. Not that you minded.

"Oh come on Y/n~ Don't you want to rest a bit?" He cooed, laying on his stomach as he watched you with glee. "I apologize your Highness, but doing so would be overstepping boundaries."

He huffed as you continued to dust his room. Wiping the windows, adjusting the curtains, moving the carpet. Oh how cute you were in his eyes. "I wouldn't mind, you are my favourite little servant after all "

Eyes shined with glee when you turned away to hide the fact you were flustered. Such high praise coming from the prince made you giddy. "Please your Highness, picking favourites isn't fair." You sighed.

"Oh darling but you love it!" He exclaimed, a pout forming on his lips. The prince always did enjoy spoiling you with his riches. You hummed— though it was true you reveled at the fact you were his favourite, you weren't happy with it giving you a bigger advantage than the others.

You stepped back from the vase of flowers, cleaning up the roots you cut off. "I'm glad you think highly of me, but this is quite unprofessional." The last thing you would want is being banished by Her Majesty for being with the Prince as a servant and not a noble.

"Is my affections for you not enough? Perhaps I need to be more open." The prince gave a close-eyed smile at the thought of bragging how he had such a catch, a loyal passionate servant like you doesn't come around often.

Your brow lifted. "Open? More open how?" A confused expression formed when all you got in response was a giggle. "My apologies your Highness, I didn't mean to speak so informally."

The prince scoffed. "Oh please, you are my favourite. If anything I'm glad you're relaxed around me to speak like that." Heart swelling just thinking about being informal with you— maybe he could just take you away for himself.

"Awe, wouldn't you enjoy being alone? Just the two of us and away from such a stuffy manor?" He dreamed of waking everyday beside you, instead of waking to the sound of another servant's knocking. You didn't answer.

The loud ring of a bell startled you, reminding you of your duties. "Oh! My apologies your Highness, but I must go now." Hurrying out of his room you uttered another sentence. "Thank you for having such fondness towards me."

He giggled, waving a hand around. "No worries my dear, see you at dinner~" the prince sighed as you left, hearts in the air and in his eyes. "Oh my love, you don't understand at all do you? No matter, I'll lay it to you soon enough."

Various thoughts of hooking his arm around your waist as you attended a ball— everyone in awe at such a pair. Untouchable you both would be, a barrier between you two and everyone else.

He'd leave feverish kisses on your skin to tease and to relish in such jealous stares. That's right, you're his.

ʚ ﹒ ﹕ ̟乀 all works belong to @worukin, do not repost on anywhere else with or without credit, do not plagiarise. ty!

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colourstreakgryffin · 2 months

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HELLO! If you are taking requests can you do a Dazai Osamu! Reader with Alastor, Lucifer and Husk? Both romantic and platonic please. If you are uncomfy with it its perfectly fine!

Hehe! Okay. I actually haven’t gotten Lucifer or Husk yet and I like both of ‘em! I’ve written about this character before, Dazai Osamu but since it’s different, I’ll try it but i am sorry, I can’t manage over six over six-to-seven headcanons for the three boys in both platonic and romantic so just romantic it is! I hope that’s okay!

Alastor

Romantic

Alastor feels like he has to have you on a leash 24/7 and whilst it’s annoying, he wouldn’t mind being near you all the time. You’re a cunning and sophisticated person but you’re also quite suicidal and lazy at times so he has to have a eye on you all the time to ensure he won’t walk into you trying to make a joke, out of stabbing yourself

Alastor is quite protective. You’re a suicidal maniac and you even openly say to him you want to properly die with him, die with a handsome man and he is repulsed by this idea so he has to always cling you onto him to control your very bad habits and bad mannerisms. He will get you over them eventually, as your boyfriend, he cares about your health and he is thankful that you reciprocate

Alastor is glad when you’re more into your funny, caring state. When you’re more of an approachable and good person. Because then, it’s a golden opportunity to bond with you and not act as your damn suicide prevention police. He much prefers when you’re not fantasising and being picky about how you get erased then fail to complete these processes

Alastor’s quite impressed by your skills. You’re the strongest and youngest mafia leader back in your human life and your current sinner life so you have the passion you act you don’t and you’re more mature then you behave as. He is proud when he can watch you take charge and lead around the Hotel with your own knowledgeable being the main guide

Lucifer

Romantic

Lucifer is a goofy sweetheart so you bet your ass that he is very good at keeping you passive and giggling, away from your dark mind. You’re always smiling and joking around with the King of Hell since he can handle you very well. He is as caring but he treats you like you’re made of glass. Something he won’t stop doing until your obsession over suicide dies out

Lucifer likes how mysterious you can be. You’re not entirely open, which he understands whilst being immensely open himself. He will just have to win your trust and your ability to express yourself over time as your new partner. You’re dark and enigmatic, if not the opposite of Lucifer and it’s a wonder why he likes you so much and he could write a book about why he likes you

Lucifer loves how committed and willing you are. You’ll do even the most shady things for him and he always feels both extreme pride and the extreme desire to scoop you up in his mighty six wings to kiss your face off. You’re so loyal and you do so much for him, it’s not a surprise that he sticks to you like he’s glued onto your hip

Lucifer is actually quite protective to you. He doesn’t want you touching even the smallest weapon, even if you’re an adult as well but because of your mental issues and how suicide trigger-happy you are. At least, you do have a good sense of humour and have a fun-loving side through how much you tease people, it’s adorable! Lucifer does like them, it, for some reason, soothes him hearing you play around more genuinely

Husk

Romantic

Husk is a grumpy, quiet but yet patient and considerate man. He may be older but he is still caring and makes a wonderful partner. Especially for this carefree and relaxed soul, one who expresses their suicidal tendencies quite a lot. Husk knows about your suicidal desires and for that, he has such a sharp’s tiger eye on you

Husk(in reality, of these three boys) is the most healthy to date. He is gruff and emotionless on the outside but compassionate and gentle on the inside, he is a Tsundere at best and he doesn’t mind being stern with you when you’re falling down a rabbit hole or trying to harm yourself like it’s some comedy show. You’re life is beautiful and you need to see that

Husk relates to you a lot, on deep levels. You’re both lonely, you’re both lazy, you’re both basically done with everything but you have each other, you both hide your real selves and your genuine personality under a armour of behaviours, so Husk acts as the proper one for you two. He tries to encourage you to join him whenever-wherever and to try put your wits and intellect to good use. He’d feel so proud of you if you did

Husk always sticks around you. He never leaves you alone, he doesn’t want you hurt so he takes you to bed with him, he cuddles you to his side whenever you’re both walking, he even comes into the bathroom with you. He does it for many reasons, mainly because he feels so comfortable with you

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flwrkisses · 6 months

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boyfriend! sunghoon.

been a while hasn't it? recently got very inspired to write for the enhypen boys so here we are!— hope you guys enjoy!

genre: fluff, established relationship.

warnings: slight mentions of arguments, skinship & kissing.

❀˖° heeseung, jay, jake, sunghoon, sunoo, jungwon, niki.

- your first date was 100% to an ice rink. it's sunghoon's one and only big move when he likes someone, he wants to impress them and show off his crazy figure skating skills... even if you've never ice skated in your life and fall on your ass trying to keep up with him.

- the ice rink was also an excuse to hold your hands to make sure you wouldn't fall and get hurt.

- he'd probably take you out on 5-7 dates before he feels comfortable enough to ask you to be his partner.

- as your boyfriend sunghoon loves to tease you, especially if you're younger than him. he shows affection by poking fun at and teasing people close to him.

- "hey loser :)" texts all the time, out of love tho.

- he loves it when you tease him back. he absolutely loves it when you can keep up with him with jokes and build that playful tension. its probably why he fell for you in the first place.

- your first kiss with him was probably very quick, a nervous peck after one of the dates. his cheeks probably got red once he pulled away. he honestly thought he was terrible.

- now the kisses you guys share are so sweet. often times they're a quick peck in passing but when the time is right, sunghoon loves to give you sweet breath taking passionate kisses.

- sunghoon is the type to tell you it's cold, to hint at the fact you need a jacket. because he's not going to straight up tell you that he's worried you'll get cold. so when you don't get his hint, he'll bring one of his own extra jackets to give to you.

- "you don't bring a jacket because you don't wanna carry it later on, but— you get cold and take my jacket which then leaves me freezing... and what kind of boyfriend would i be if i let you freeze? so, yes! i'm bringing you a jacket so we both can be warm and be comfortable. good? great."

- he's also the type to see you struggling with opening something and would wordlessly reach over and do it for you.

- for example you're struggling to open a water bottle and he watches you struggle for a little before taking it from your hands, opening it, and handing it to you while looking away.

- you will never catch him, but he looks at you fondly all the time. even in public, he can't help it.

- he's definitely not a pda guy, he says it makes things much more intimate to kiss and hug in private. he also doesn't want the rest of the enhypen boys to tease him for being so sickly sweet to you.

- one thing he loves however, is holding your hand. in all ways he loves holding your hand even if you're sitting next to each other.

- something you notice when he's around his either sit close enough to you so your arms are brushing against each other or stand close enough for some type of physical contact, but thats about it when it comes to pda.

- he just isn't someone who feels the need to be all over you all the time. he has nothing to prove to anyone, nor does he ever feel threatened by other people. in fact he makes fun of couples that are weirdly all over each other in public.

- he doesn't get jealous often, however he is very protective of you and would rather people mind your personal space.

- if someone goes to touch your hand, or stands too close sunghoon would instinctively put himself between you and this person or move you out of the way.

- he is slightly possessive however, he would never admit it. however something in him lights up when you tell him you're his.

- he's a good guy to your friends too, he sees they're important to you so he takes them into account before doing things as well.

- like one night you and your friends decided to go out and sunghoon tagged along. he noticed that some random guy was bothering a friend of yours and making them uncomfy so without much thought he would go over to pull your friend back to the group and stare down the guy enough to hope he wouldn't come around your group again.

- he pretends not to remember or know important dates like your anniversary or birthday, but somehow you always wake up on that special day with a present at the foot of your bed from him.

- if you get sick he'll tease you about it at first but eventually will take care of you. he'd chuckle about how your voice sounds when you're congested and say "ewww" when you blow your nose.

- he would probably wait for you to tell him you love him first regardless of if he feels it first or not. sunghoon would hate to say that he loves you first and you not reciprocate, so he would wait for you to say it first for him to confirm he feels the same.

- saying "i love you" makes him shy, especially with how easily you are able to say it. he blushes a little each time he hears it.

- he probably mumbles his "i love you"s or sometimes just responds with "me too" because he's just too shy to actually vocalize it.

- sunghoon secretly likes praise, so tell him he's handsome and that he looks nice.

- although he's not a cuddler, if you sat on his lap while he played games his whole body would melt.

- texting would be pretty big with him actually. i see him leaving his members on read while responding to your messages fairly quickly.

- while he's on tour, he'd call you on facetime while he's in bed to mumble about how much he misses you and wants to be with you.

- in an argument regardless who's at fault, he would probably sit in silence and listen to everything you have to say. he's not really someone to fight with you, he simply wouldn't put energy into it which could be pretty annoying. he doesn't articulate his thoughts extremely well so sometimes it might seem like he doesn't care or is blocking you out.

- however fights are pretty rare considering how much you guys actually talk things out and how long he thinks about things.

- he honestly is so happy staying home and watching movies with you, ordering take out and staying in.

- doesn't mind going out for dates too. probably takes you on shopping dates, walks in the park, spa dates, trying restaurants, and ice skating of course.

- he has you make decisions for him since he's so indecisive. if he doesnt know what shirt to buy he asks you and goes with what you tell him. if you want to eat something he goes along with it and begs you to never make him choose anything ever.

- sunghoon has a folder on his phone of just candid pictures of you. he thinks it's cute, plus he's kinda become an expert in sneaking cute photos of you on dates.

- believe it or not, he spoils you quietly. things he notices you're running out of or need he'd buy you and quietly put them in their spots. it would take you a while to even notice he was doing that.

- you know he would never admit it, but his favorite part of his days are the days where he's able to come home to you and sleep with you in his arms.

hope you enjoyed! — yes i am writing for enhypen now...

leave me a request in the ask box!

©flwrkisses ; please do not copy, translate, repost and/or reuse my work without my permission.

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changbinsboiledegg · 6 months

Note

Hi!! I love your writing and I was wondering if you could do skz reactions to another member walking in on them and their gf doing the dirty? 😅

lmao sure anon. Digital footprint go brrr (thank you for the request ily 🫶)

Fem! Reader X SKZ. MDNI. MDNI. MDNI.

Warnings: Smut, ofc. Kinda explicit?, Unprotected or protected seggs, I didn't specify, swearing, implied vaginal, edging, cum mentions???, Overstimulation, teasing. Am I forgetting any?

Note: I'm not very good with smut BUT this is just a reaction post. I can do better probably. Also, I included some humorous shit because I got nervous. lol. Hope y'all enjoy :)

MDNI!!! Also if smut makes you uncomfy, pls skip (obviously).

♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎

Chan

“What’s wrong? Can’t handle it anymore, baby girl?” Chan teased, pinning you down against the bed as he snapped his hips into yours, eliciting a loud moan that became muffled when he moved a hand over your mouth.

You were almost on the ledge of release and he as well.

You almost didn’t notice the door opening in the midst of all of the pleasure between you two.

“Oh my god!”

You and Chan both ceased any form of intimacy and quickly scrambled to cover yourselves as Jeongin covered his eyes and turned around.

“Jesus, Jeongin! What do you want?!” Chan sounded frustrated at being interrupted.

“I heard a cry, I thought something was wrong!” Jeongin’s cheeks flushed with embarrassment.

Chan glanced at you, then back at Jeongin.

“Please, just… get out for a while…”

With that, Jeongin left without a second prompt.

Lee Know

Minho was teasing the entire time as you begged for him to just insert himself inside of you.

And he did. Slowly guiding himself into your wetness, thrusting once, and then pulling out. You whined, beginning to get frustrated. Minho smirked at this, rubbing the tip against your aching clit.

“Fucking hell! Just please—“

“Hey, Minho! Do you still have my—“ Jisung stopped, immediately going wide eyed and dropping his phone.

“I’m so sorry! I just— I didn’t see anything! Promise!” Jisung frantically apologized, leaving the room.

You exchanged an embarrassed glance with Minho, frozen in place before Jisung came in again, his hand over his eyes as he fumbled for his phone.

“Saw nothing! Just getting my phone!”

Changbin

You already came— twice. But Changbin had no mercy. He loved seeing you cum.

And he wanted to make you cum again.

“You can do it. I know you can.” Changbin gently spread your clenched thighs open again as they shook from your previous orgasm.

“Fuck, Changbin—“ You squirmed, gripping the bed sheets as he positioned himself over your entrance.

“Say the safe word and I will stop.” Changbin cooed, waiting for a response.

However, you didn’t say anything. You wanted to cum again. Right as he slid himself inside of you again, the door swung open.

“Oh.” It took Seungmin a few seconds to process what was going on. Seeing you quivering was enough to make him instantly leave the room, forgetting to shut the door in his embarrassment.

You looked at Changbin and said the safe word.

Hyunjin

Hyunjin was gentle every step of the way from the moment you started. He made sure not to grip your hips too tight or thrust too fast or hard unless you asked.

But you hadn’t asked, wanting it to be just as special as he did.

“You’re so pretty like this.” Hyunjin breathlessly complimented you, meaning every word he said. You stifled back a moan, knowing you needed to be quiet during this, especially since the other members were still there, lingering.

You squeezed your eyes shut, on the brink of orgasm but it was delayed and stopped when Hyunjin frantically got off and covered both of you up.

You almost took the blanket off before realizing Felix was standing in the doorway, hand covering his mouth.

Hyunjin rolled his eyes, a bit irritated.

“You act like you’ve never seen two people have—“

“I’m leaving! I am leaving!” Felix cut him off, shutting the door behind him but accidentally slamming it in the process.

“Sorry!” His faint voice called back through the door.

Han

It was your first time with him, although it was a little awkward at first, the more you explored each others bodies, the more comfortable you got with each other.

“I love you.” Jisung whispered in your ear, guiding your hips as you rode him on the edge of the bed. You bit your lip to muffle the moans that left your mouth, feeling your legs shaking the longer you rode.

“I love you too.” You managed to gasp out. Jisung smiled breathlessly before pressing his lips against your neck, softly sucking on the skin between his lips.

You quietly whimpered and gasped, feeling yourself letting go.

“Seriously? Now? Come on!” Minho’s voice halted you to a stop as you widened your eyes, not wanting to look back at him.

“Privacy please!” Jisung stammered out, grabbing a pillow and attempted to cover your backside with it. Minho was already on his way out, pausing at the door.

“You better be using protection!” Then he left. You and Jisung were horrified for a few seconds before laughing off the embarrassment.

Felix

“I am all yours tonight.” Felix leaned back, watching you as you undressed yourself. You walked over to him, straddling him with a smirk.

“And I, am all yours.” You gently pushed him to where he was flat on his back. You leaned down to kiss him, slow at first, then each kiss after progressively became more and more desperate as you helped him undress as well.

“Ready?”

“Yes.” Felix mumbled, taking in a deep breath, wanting nothing more than to see you be the one to take control. You kissed his jaw and down to his neck as he worked his fingers around the clasp of your bra.

You helped him, momentarily pausing and tossing it to the floor beside the bed. Felix’ hands roamed your body, grasping and rubbing any part he could reach before rolling you on your back and spreading your legs apart.

You turned your head, seeing Hyunjin walking in. He didn’t seem to notice you and Felix until his eyes landed on your bra.

“Hyunjin?” You muttered, feeling the panic set in. Felix didn’t see him yet, being more focused on you.

“Hyunjin? What does he—”

Hyunjin gasped loudly and quickly rushed outside of the room, causing Felix’ head to snap in his direction.

“Oh my god!”

Seungmin

His hands roamed your chest, trailing down to your stomach and stopping on your thighs, rubbing his hands against them as his lips were pressed to your neck. Seungmin’s hands inched up towards the top of your thighs before maneuvering a hand between your legs, feeling the damp cloth.

“Already?” Seungmin teased, his breath was warm against your neck as you softly moaned, slightly bucking your hips against his hand.

Seungmin pulled his face back, glancing down, then into your eyes. “Wet and needy. Patience is a virtue, you know.”

You whined, throwing your head back. “I am needy! I need you now!”

You didn’t say anything in specific, but he knew what you meant. Seungmin smirked, pulling the cloth down your thighs, taking them off and exposing to him just how wet you were.

On instinct, you parted your legs and leaned back on your elbows as Seungmin placed his hand back where it was, only this time there wasn’t a barrier.

“More?”

“Seung—”

A scream erupted, coming from the doorway where a shocked Changbin stood. His scream was so loud that you scream as well, startled as you closed your legs together. Seungmin got up to block you, still dressed, unlike you.

“Changbin, what the hell?”

Changbin quickly turned around, mumbling to himself as he shut the door behind him.

I.N

Jeongin hovered over you, both of you still dressed, but just as needy for each other as you made out on the couch. Your lips messily clashed with his as his hand made it’s way up your shirt and towards your the hem of your bra.

Your hand moved down his chest and stopping on his stomach while your other hand gripped the back of his shoulder. He began to grind his hips against yours when you wrapped your legs around his waist.

The other members were outside and weren’t expected to be back inside for another hour. Jeongin wasn’t particularly worried about getting caught as long as he— and you, were quiet and quick.

You lifted his shirt to remove it. Jeongin removed his lips from yours momentarily and sat up, helping you remove it. He then did the same to you, removing your shirt and leaving you in your bra.

Right as he was about to press his lips against yours again, the sound of collective chattering interrupted you both and soon the whole group entered. No one was prepared for what they just saw.

You and Jeongin scrambled for your shirts, slipping them back on.

“Oh my god! That’s what the rooms are for!” Chan’s eyes were glued to the floor. In fact, none of the other members were actually looking at you and Jeongin.

They were as flushed as you were, only slightly less.

“On the couch too?” Minho sighed as Jeongin ran to his room, pulling you with him.

Before the door closed, you heard Hyunjin say, “Guess we have to get the couch cleaned again.”

Note 2: Does nobody know how to lock a door???? be so fucking fr now. LMAO

#stray kids smut #skz smut #stray kids x reader #stray kids reactions #skz x reader #skz reactions #skz imagines #stray kids scenarios #skz scenarios

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whatsaninterestingplacethisis · 4 months

Text

Couples Challenge

Imagine

Nico Hischier x Latina!reader

Synop: Luke bets y/n and Nico can’t go three days without touching each other: pda, kissing, cuddling, anything. Guess who breaks first?

a/n: nico is a simpp... fluff + angst kinda?

cw: one cuss word maybe one or two more, cute shit, pet names: amor, bubs are used

It was a night out with some of the boys to blow off some steam, and of course Nico insisted that you accompanied him. You didn't mind catching up with the boys in person and having your man by your side, you only got uncomfy when Nico got a bit too comfortable in front his teammates.

Don't me get wrong, you loved when Nico showed affection but you knew PDA made other people uncomfortable and Luke who was sitting across from you, made it very clear.

Nico had kissed your temple when you answered Jack with a witty remark, "You guys are gross..." Luke had whispered to himself hoping no one heard,

"What was that little brother?" Jack nudged Luke

"Nothing"

"No I'm pretty sure you said something." Jack was definitely not going to let this go

You heard what Luke said and laughed at his demeanor. You tried to slyly remove Nico's arm around your shoulder because of so. Nico reluctantly removed his arm halfway and gave you a confused look.

"Sorry Luke" You felt awkward for making Luke uncomfortable because of Nico's affection

"Nah, don't say sorry. What did you say Luke?" Jack had a mischievous smile on

"What's going on?" Nico who had oblivious of the whole situation just butted in

"Luke hates seeing you guys happy." Jack says flatly.

"That is not true." Luke raised his voice in his defense

"I'm so confused" Nico went to wrap his arm around your shoulders but you dodged his attempt. His brown eyes give you sad look,

"Sorry Neeks. Luke doesn't like it when couples show affection, I think." you say

"He's just lonely he doesn't have someone" Jack couldn't help be an annoying big brother

Luke rolled his eyes, "It's just that," he sighed "when you guys are together you are always touchy, Nico always has his arm around you and no offense but it's something I don't want to see." he said softly as possible to mean no offense but everyone started to laugh

"Sorry Luke, I try to back down the PDA but your captain couldn't care less." you said

"That's not true, you are always touchy too, not just me." Nico retaliated making you flustered but also defensive,

"Nu uh, you are way more affectionate than me."

"That's a lie." He unconsciously lies. Truth is that the man can't wait to get home to meet your lips for nth time of the day. He can't wait for you to wake up in the morning so he can finally cuddle you without disrupting your sleep. He can never wait to physically touch you in any possible way.

"I bet you guys can't go three days without touching each other." Luke lets out before quickly taking a sip from his drink

"I think I can" you said with confidence, you knew Nico would be on the brink of death but with confidence he also agrees.

"Please make the bet so I don't have to see that" Luke makes a hand waving motion towards y'all. You turn to Nico, who was already looking at you, to see if he would be willing to do this challenge,

"Deal?" you ask with your hand out

"Deal." he shook your hand having no idea how difficult this was going to be.

Conversation continued and not even two minutes later Nico went to put his arm around your shoulder but tried to save face by placing his arm on your chair.

"That's cheating" the Hughes brother said unison,

"I'm not touching her!" Nico said with a grin on his face, this was going to be a challenge alright.

The ride home to your shared apartment proved how things were going to be difficult, especially on Nico's side.

"Get your hand off me, sir." you removed Nico's heavy hand from your thigh to the gear stick.

He gave you a very puzzling look, "Oh come on. I thought we were joking, not actually doing the challenge!"

"You shook my hand and we made a deal. You can't back out now." Participating in this challenge was pure entertainment to see Nico break under non-physical-pressure.

"But it's kind of dumb no? We won't see Luke together for the next days so there's no point!"

"The point is to prove Luke wrong even if he's not here, and by the looks of it, you are already struggling." You saw how Nico's right hand has moved from where you placed it, leaning over the console for your touch.

And he takes notice too, "No I'm not." he retreats his hand back to the steering wheel.

"Yes you are." you squint your eyes at your boyfriend, knowing this is going to be fun.

"C'mon Neeks its only three days, it's just for fun. A little test to test our patience." you turned your whole body leaning a little bit forward to convince him to this endeavor.

At a red light, he turns to you, eyeing your lips and asking, "Can we start the challenge tomorrow?"

"Nope." you boop his nose as you plop down into your seat.

He mumbles something is German, probably about how stupid the challenge is, but all you can do is smile all giddy.

Nico's clinginess and affection was something to get used to when you first started dating. It was surprising to see someone to be so affectionate towards you all of the time. Soon you realized that the man was madly in love with you and this is how he showed it. Even in mundane moments like brushing your teeth before bed, he was always there.

After arriving home, both of your got dressed in your jammies, and went to use the bathroom following your nightly routine. You tried to brush your teeth in peace but you could't ignore the stare of your lover through the mirror, next to you doing the same thing.

"Stop looking at me" you said with a mouth full of foamy toothpaste,

He softly grabs your waist to pull you aside, he spits into the shared sink, "So I can't look at you now?" He essentially losses the challenge now that he has both of his arms around your waist with his head on your shoulder.

"Not like you're going to pounce at me at any second, no." Even though you felt at home in his embrace you sneaked out of his arms leaving you outside the bathroom. He leans on the door frame blocking the entrance from you entering,

"If you don't move, I'll swallow this toothpaste."

He reluctantly moves as you quickly move to spit into the sink but when you turn around, you find him blocking the door again.

"Move, please" you ask in an overly-friendly tone hoping he would budge but doesn't.

He puckers out his lips waiting for you to give him what he wants, completely forgetting or caring about the challenge.

You sigh then come up to him, grabbing the back of his neck to pull him in, "Close your eyes." he obliges, still having his minty lips puckered trying to hold back a smile. You lean in, not towards his mouth, but near his ear, "En tus sueños mi amor“ you whispered with a smirk. Catching his body slack, you escaped the bathroom leaving him dumbfounded.

+ +

As fun it is to tease Nico, you were definitely missing his touch, but that was quickly washed away when you saw him become frustrated.

He was about to leave for his morning practice but of course, because he's so accustomed to daily rituals, he expects a hug and very passionate kiss, which you don't return, in return he becomes upset.

"I don't like this challenge." he pouts with his bag over his shoulder,

"I'm sorry bubs," you ruffle his hair to soothe him, "Just think of how better our kisses will be after two days."

"I wan't to kiss you now." your heart ached seeing sadness in his eyes, but a challenge is a challenge, and you were not going to lose.

"You can kiss me when you get back." you say with an innocent looking smile and Nico just sighs. He knows you won't kiss him now so he walks away defeated before saying I love you, and you say it back. At least you said it back is what he thinks as he leaves.

When Nico returns home he makes it clear he doesn't give a damn about the challenge. He finds you in the shared bedroom reading one of your current obsessions.

"Catch me" he warns you to save your book, as he slowly falls on top of you on the bed. He has you trapped under his body weight,

"Nico get off of me!" you struggle under his weight as he becomes very still.

"No. You have to kiss me first." he mumbles in the soft pillows.

"I can't breathe." you intentionally ignored his request and continued to struggle under him trying hard to not laugh.

"I'm not moving." he breathes into your neck,

"Nico Hischier get off me!" you raise your voice and he props onto his hands hovering over you. He watches how you avoid his eyes, pulling in your lips to hold back a smile.

He leans in to kiss you but you turn your head away making him huff in annoyance,

“You promised to give me a kiss.”

“But you’re sweaty,” you fidget with his dangling gold chain, avoiding his eye contact but he just rolls his eyes to your excuse.

He gets off of you and sits next you, “If I take a shower, will you kiss me then?” the desperation in his voice makes your face warm,

“Maybe” you squeak out before running to the living room. You know he doesn’t follow you when you hear the shower running.

When he’s all dried off and dressed he’s determined to get a kiss but starts to question if this all because of the dumb challenge or something else.

He plops on the coach next to you, resting his chin on your shoulder looking up to you, “Ich liebe dich” he says.

You just hum in acknowledgment which plasters a face full of confusion on him. He moves back to get a better understanding on what the hell is going on,

“Nahh, say it back.” He leans back still with his eyebrows scrunched but reaches his patience when you say,

“Yeah same.”

“Is this a part of the challenge or did I do something wrong?” his serious tone makes you choke out a giggle

“The is not funny,” his eyes finally catch yours when you look at him,

“It kinda is,” you say holding back your big grin

You felt bad for the guy so you gave him a very simple and final ultimatum, "Admit you’re more affecionate than me then you can kiss me.”

His jaw drops ever so slightly baffled that that was all he had to say to earn a kiss. But his body moves faster than his brain and goes straight in for another kiss. Your hand stops him as you laugh, “Did you not hear what I just said?”

“I’m more affectionate.” He says quickly and flatly, no room for argument.

“Obviamente.” you say as you pull him in for what he was starving for not even for 24 hours.

After a few minutes of a quick makeout sesh, you mention how Luke would be so disappointed. Both of you didn’t even last a day, let alone three. “I don’t care what he thinks. Actually, I’ll talk with him next time I see him. It’s his fault you were being mean to me.”

Oh boy, poor Luke, you thought.

#nhl imagine #nico hischier x reader #nico hischier imagine #latina!reader #jells🪼imagines

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pinkrecs · 2 years

Text

pinkrecs’s bts yandere fic recs

[POSTED ON JULY 12th 2022]

note: this is most (honestly just checkout all of these authors’ masterlists--there’s more great gems) of my favorite yandere bts recs! please show much love to our wonderful authors. the yandere genre does contain triggering themes (ex: representation of toxic relationships, possessive/obsessive behavior, non-con/dub-con, violent behavior, etc). read at your own risk + check out the author’s notes. ENJOYYY ^^

i would love to give each fic a detailed comment on how i love it but i lack the words and writing capabilities to do that. so hope a short spoiler-free comment will do (sorry). GO GIVE THESE FICS A LIKE, REBLOG, OR COMMENT!!!!

POLY/MULTI:

- death valley by @bangtangalicious

↳ gang + rocker + fightclub au + ot7 x reader. my brain is dizzy & fucked (in a good way) after reading this. each member gets their own time to shine and the characterizations of each member are crazy. this fic is a messy ass rollercoaster and the smut is scrumptious too!!

- gumiho cisswap bangtan x reader by @bloodsweattearscatharsis

↳ gumiho + cisswap au + poly ot7 x reader. its obvious from the title since the author mentioned that they haven’t made a title for the fic lol. honestly, go give this a read because the dynamic of ot7 is quite fun and i LOOVEE the suspense that from each chapter. all of them could run me over anytime and also HOT WOMEENNNNN ayyyyyyyyy go read bc it needs more luv

- house of serpents by @smasmashie

↳ mafia au + ot7 x reader. every character in here needs to go therapy but also not because i need to see more drama unfold. ot7 seems to care for the mc but their actions shown are... uhmm... questionable. but that makes this fic good though! reading each chapter like it’s the morning newspaper

- in your dreams by @voidswan

↳ idolverse au + vmin x reader. GOD THIS WAS INTENSE, i was shaking, gasping, and throwing uppp!! vmins are menaces in this one but god you can’t help but want more D: i’m like the mc--who’s a moth attracted to the flame.

- lilies of the valley by @girlmeetsliv3

↳ a/b/o au + poly ot7 x reader. each relationships between the members and towards reader is mysterious and there was underlying tension of meeting the pack’s expectation. in some way, it gets uncomfy at some parts yet that is what keeps each chapter an enjoyable read.

- lovesick by @angelicyoongie

↳ soulmate au + ot7 x reader. mc is very unlucky gal... not only having one BUT SEVEN yandere as soulmates lmaoo.. and the soulmark inflicts on both people if one of them gets hurt. that’s rough damn! i’m still unsure if all of them know that all of them are sending her letters. keep notifications ON for this fic

- nephilim by @royallyjoon

↳ cult + supernatural au + poly ot7 x reader. it was defintlely chilling while i read this. while there’s some sense of normalcy, the larger control of the cult makes keeps us feeling uneasy.

- on the first day of christmas, my true love gave to me by @forever-once-gone

↳ ceo + christmas au + poly namkook x reader. namkook is crazy and unhinged when they show their true colors. jungkook is very VERY sweet tho i cant hate him rip

- strangers by @bestaez

↳ strangers from hell au + ot7 x reader. i haven’t read watched the kdrama so i can’t compare between the two. this is definitely interesting as we can see SOME insight to how ot7 plans it and covers up their tracks to avoid getting caught. i hope the mc can get the tf out that apartment and we can see the reasoning for these actions of ot7 in future chapters

- school f*cking sucks! series by @sluttyandere

↳ high school au + maknae line x reader. all characters are of legal age btw! sucks to be mc because she just getting snatched from each guy like that. and she’s the class president but kinda powerless since two of them control her status at the school. all three of them are massively wicked and im kinda digging it LMAO

- thou shall not steal by @xherxx

↳ mafia + spy + enemies to lovers au + poly ot7 x reader. as the author mentioned, this fic is on the lighter side of the yandere spectrum. i love the mc in this fic. a girlboss icon actually. adored every interactions between the mc and each member. it’s a VERY pleasant read lol

- where three stars meet by @girlmeetsliv3

↳ poly sope x reader. this felt like a movie to this. i could picture everything in my head and sope was quite mysterious in this. and the little details placed throughout the story makes it enticing to continue reading.

- “why you look so pretty when you cry?” by @minniepetals

↳ mafia au + poly ot7 x reader. the way ot7 brings hopes up for the mc before crushing them down so she breaks and realizes that her only option is them is tragic for the mc... yet it’s a whole serve!

MISC (aka idk where to categorize these lol):

- never ever after by killingpeach (AO3)

↳ fairy tale au + ot7 x oc. each member is based on a character of well known fairy tales. for the mc to leave the story, she must make the member of that fairy to fall in love with her for “the end” to happen. i love the author’s versions of these fairy tales. each time the fairy tale ends, ik the oc is like: “i won... but at what cost??”

- seven princes of campus series by @bibbykins

↳ college au + ot7 x reader. this series includes various fics with each member and their s/o and is more on the softer side of yandere! each couple is cute and the build up of how each became to be to great!

- tatemae; 建前 series by @99liners

↳ trophy wife au + ot7 x reader. this series includes various fics with each member and their s/o. the gaslighting and manipulation is wild in these fics y’all. and each time, the ending of the fic makes think like: damn... these men not seeing the pearly white gates of heaven

- the tarot series by @flowesona

↳ ot7 x reader. this series includes various fics with each member and their s/o and “each inspired by one of the major arcana tarot cards.” i love this concept and each plot is easily able to get into.

MEMBER X MEMBER:

- desire by kyoigi (AO3)

↳ demon au + jikook. demon jimin is hot yet creepy at the same time. and the way jimin goes through his inner turmoil before realizing his feelings for jk + jk starting to piece everything together?! just scrumptious

- mused obsession series by @sombreboy + @chimoona

↳ photography + model au + jikook. the way jimin falls into jk manipulative and obsessive nature is crazy yall... and how they show their devotion towards each other? fucked up yet i can’t keep my eyes away from it!

- photos of you (and where I should be) by korknight (AO3)

↳ photography + rapper au + yoonkook. jungkook is risking it ALL for yoongi! down MASSIVELY bad yet jk gaslights himself into his actions are good for yoongi.

- watching you, watching me by mellifluous_kim (AO3)

↳ idolverse au + yoonkook. THE TWIST? you knew my jaw FELL to the FLOOR?!? it’s a must-read because everything is not what it seems D:

KIM SEOKJIN:

- carnal by @kosmosguk

↳ vampire au. mc folded that quick... honestly same here too! just immaculate *chefs kiss*

- contact by @gorehsk

↳ alien au. pure filth and i love it.

- rose gold by @sweetwolfcupcake

↳ idolverse au. jin is quite eerie in this fic. he’s subtle with his yandereness and calculated with his actions.

- the baron by @therealmintedmango (AO3)

↳ historical au. jin is charming and no one can suspect a damn thing. a fun read!!

- the lost, the found, and the treasured by @forever-once-gone

↳ reincarnation + royalty au. so well-written!! there’s small details in the story and by the end... you see piece together. seokjin waited for a long time and i could see why (even though it’s quite haunting).

MIN YOONGI:

- ash and cinder by @chimchimsauce

↳ cinderella au. a cinderella retelling with yoongi as our prince. great fic with the yandere twist!

- beloved by @bang-tan-bitches

↳ historical + empire au. this fic was a RIDE. mc is a supportive sister yet she unknowingly attraction of yoongi. his desire is eerie and attractive at the same time.

- beneath the world by @nomnomsik

↳ yoongi is down bad... and his notebook 😭😭

- control by @taeyohonic

↳ idolverse au. damn a twisted universe of bangtan. yoongi’s character is a massive dick in this one

- exitus acta probat by @bang-tan-bitches

↳ mafia au. can he also snatch me away pls too

- lineage by @kosmosguk

↳ royalty au. god the twist? you gotta read this, it’s a masterpiece.

- the man in the moon by @worldwidemochiguy

↳ lowkey reading was comforting in some sort. like i was soft for yoongi’s character by the end :3

- the music of the night by @bestaez

↳ phantom of the opera au. i was smiling near the ending but then that had to happen lol

JUNG HOSEOK:

- angel by @worldwidemochiguy

↳ best friend au. hoseok is affectionate, sweet, and insane in this one.

- forbidden fruit by @deepdarkdelights

↳ organized crime au. mc’s lack of fear has gotten her into some trouble... but it’s jung hoseok--it’s alright!!

- may the odds be ever in your favor by @yandearest

↳ hunger games au. this fic is incompeleted but the author left spoilers for the ending. i highly suggest checking out this fic--it’s very well written!

- orgasms on the verge of a nervous breakdown by @sluttyandere

↳ high school + party au. wow this was quite a lot to handle. pls note there’s non-con. in conclusion: trust nobody

- toska by @chummywchimmy

↳ a/b/o + werewolves au. hoseok is sweet and all but lord that bird gift LMAO.

KIM NAMJOON:

- a dangerous game by @chaoticpuff17

↳ mafia au. joonie does not know how to give up... prayers for the mc

- deviant by @jkeuphoriadreamland + @chimoona

↳ this fic is one of the most memorable fics i read. namjoon is so cunning and cocky piece of shit.

- fôret de cauchemars by @kosmosguk

↳ sleep psychiatrist au. i massively agree that this fic is one hell of a rollercoaster. thrilling and creepy!!

- lady of the night by @deepdarkdelights

↳ victorian + time travel + jack the ripper au. this joon lives in my mind to this day. enjoyed the mc figuring out what the hell is happening while scolding namjoon’s misogynistic ideas.

- let the villain win by @lemonjoonah

↳ author au. let me tell you that joonie’s character will have you memorized and shocked!!

- moonstruck by @lovelyspring7

↳ mafia + florist au. this is fic did what it gotta do... and IT SERVED!!!

- used to disappointment by @girlmeetsliv3

↳ nerd au. gosh i would also feel like a disappointment if i was in school with namjoon. but joonie is caring in this one (?)

PARK JIMIN:

- apothic by @jiminstonic

↳ zombie au. zombie jimin is sweet towards for the mc, but his actions went a lit extreme... ig that’s what he gotta do? slay?

- arte factum by @lolabangtan

↳ artifical intelligence + sci-fi au. fuck me up android jimin!@(31!!!! he’s a little bit eerie but we can OVERLOOK that :D

- charming by @bangtans-apollo

↳ cinderella au. *chefs kiss* prince jimin needs a therapy session because he’s very overbearing and possessive. you never know when he gotta explode!

- curiosity brought it back by catslullaby (AO3)

↳ CURIOSITY DID BRING IT BACK!!!!!! one of my all time favs. the way mc decided to make jimin jealous and she got what she wanted! but she also bargained more than what she can afford lool

- neighbors by @jkeuphoriadreamland

↳ neighbors + stalker au. toxic? yes. hot? yes.

- otherworldly by @sinning-on-a-sunday

↳ coraline au. i am ashamed to say that i’m not mad at the ending. i would bend my knees for other jimin.

- porcelain by @deepdarkdelights

↳ dollmaker au. i’m not just screaming at jimin, i’m also screaming at the grandma.

- spirited away by @out-of-jams

↳ spirited away au. i already watched spirited away and this fic takes it as inspiration to create something different as it own. jimin is supposed to be someone we can rely on... but the writing has good job of conveying the gut feeling of something that isn’t right :D

- the owner by @shumidehiro

↳ ghost au. i like the mc in this! love that she is respectful to the spirits and i can see how ghost jimin holds his resentment from.

- treasure by @sombreboy

↳ faerie dragon hybrid au. that took a dark turn but who can’t resist jimin? lets be REALLL

KIM TAEHYUNG:

- daffodil dreams by @sombreboy

↳ murder suspect + therapist au. the way tae and mc are attracted towards each other is kinda in push and pull in way. and when they give into each other, it feels conflicting since it feels right but wrong for the two to be together. a thrilling read!!

- devotion by @sweetbunnykook

↳ childhood friends au. the yearning?? the tension?? and when it blows up between the two, it’s completely worth it in the end. beautifully written!!

- dura lex, sed lex by @go1denjeon

↳ law au. tae is so mysterious in this fic. you know what you’re for when you read this, you just don’t know when tae decides to reveal his true colors. in hindsight, he acts like ordinary citizen yet ill think we’ll see more of his true colors in later chapters.

- like chalk and cheese by @helenazbmrskai

↳ tae def helped the mc bring out the craziness in her. it’s refreshing read from most yandere fics as we start to see more of the roles reversed.

- poison apple by @jooniyah

↳ moneylender au. this is one of more darker fics. mc doesn’t give up nor so does tae. his character is crazy and im impressed how she keeps her sanity still.

- purple people eater by @therealmintedmango (AO3)

↳ alien au. ik the title of this fic sounds crazy and the fic is. tae is adorable in the fic (besides the shit he pulled in the end).

- the phantom by @darkestcorners

↳ paranormal + parallel universe/time travel au. tae’s character in this is fucking scary actually. i probably been dead by now if i was mc in that situation.

- the treachery and reprisal by @min-hoax

↳ tae got ISSUES. and jimin??? my gasp was so damn loud at the end. that’s it.

- violets: memories [part one] / violets: realities [part two] by @emoboijk

↳ stalker au. tae and mc are unhealthy for each other but they still got feelings for each other... love how mc friends are there to support her :D

JEON JUNGKOOK:

- brother knows best by @cosmostae

↳ stepbrother au. jungkook is so hot and goodass smut. gulity-pleasure fic :D

- cardio by kaiseuphoria (AO3)

↳ personal trainer au. jungkook is so sweet but so insane all at once??&!6? this fic is a perfect mix of sweetness and creepiness.

- cruel intentions by @explicit-tae

↳ mafia au. the first chapter was just recently out and i’m glad the mc got out of the situation. but since it’s the first chapter, i wonder when is jungkook going take her and the baby back? eagerly waiting for the second chapter!

- deception by @kthyg

↳ gang au. this fic is interesting in a way that mc likes jk long before jk likes her. jk gotta manage his anger and sort his shit out first.

- flower petal by @royallyjoon

↳ empire + reincarnation au. this two together is tragic. mc did what she gotta for everyone’s sake and that ended up... not so well many years later...

- forever afterthough by sorvette (AO3)

↳ fantasy + vampire + werewolves au + implied poly ot7 x reader. god this was a RIDE. the progress between the mc and jungkook is sweet and i enjoyed their bond together. writing felt like a kinda like dream because this is so well written!!

- play date trilogy by @worldwidemochiguy

↳ the inner turmoil within the mc between leaving and staying lets me know that jk got her bad... honestly same tho

- polarity by @darkestcorners

↳ best friend’s boyfriend + college au. YOU GUYS WILL NOT GET IT UNTIL YOU READ THIS FIC. like i would smash my head everytime so i wipe OUT my memories and reread this fic all over again. the plot twists, the mind games, and how realistic this setting is in this fic got me fucked in all sorts of places. without being physical, jk uses all types of tactics to overtake mc’s mind. this is a must read.

- taking over you by @go1denjeon

↳ idolverse au. love the mc’s approach this situation. jk’s character in this fic is actually fucking sick and twisted. at some parts, i just got very uncomfy and got the chills.

- the crimson shell by @angelicyoongie

↳ mermen au. do not think this is your friendly mermaid au. merkoo in this fic his claws, spikey teeth, and clicks his mouth to communicate. poor mc in this, she went through SHIT

- the friendly ghost by @darkestcorners

↳ ghost au. ghostkoo is very sweet. he could never do wrong--until the end RIP :D

- to obtain the flower / primrose [sequel] by @mingshits

↳ empire au. who knew that mc’s actions toward jk during childhood could leave a result like this lol? this fic was a whole serve, def must read. each time mc takes one step, jk is FIVE steps ahead her LMAO

- you by @whoretan

↳ college + stalker au. the first chapter recently released and i’m invested on what’s going to happen to the next chapter. everyone’s motive in this fic is somewhat unclear and the mc here is quite unreliable. can’t wait for shit to happen

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funky-astrologer · 1 month

Text

The Yod Aspect

“finger of god”

This is a response to a post I was tagged in asking about this particular aspect formation, and is quite long, I have highlighted the most important parts.

Commonly known as the "finger of god" aspect, this particular aspect is traditionally formed when two planets form a sextile to one another and then each a quincunx to a third planet.

In this case Chiron in Scorpio at 16 degrees in the 6th house, sextile the North Node in Virgo at 13 degrees in the 4th house, with both of them forming a quincunx to Saturn in Aries at 14 degrees in the 11th house.

Consider first the nature of the two aspects -- a sextile is seen as easy, yet it doesn't always manifest itself simply because it is too easy. It is subtle and not prone to going out of its way to make a statement or leave an imprint. The quincunx on the other hand -- a 150-degree aspect combining two energies that seemingly have very little in common seeks to remedy this by presenting these energies together anyway.

For example, Aries and Virgo or Aries and Scorpio.

*Consider opposite signs (Aries & Libra) and look to the two conjoining signs of each one to find a quincunx sign for the other.

A quincunx is uncomfy, plain and simple. It is strain and burdensome when you don't realize what is happening. I have my Mars and Pluto quincunx and I do not like it very much at times. It causes me to overwork myself to the point of no avail almost. The answer is usually do nothing and wait for something. Doesn't mean you shouldn't make any effort at all, but rather the effort will show up at some point anyway whether you are consciously aware or not. Be patient and reserve your energy with the quincunx.

Chiron and North Node are two energies concerned with growth and evolution. They are about learning from experience, whereas Saturn is about building upon that experience. Any efforts made in the areas of life governing the 4th, 6th and 11th house will be brought into unique manifestation in the house of Saturn--which is the 11th house here, and a very prominent house for manifestation. These efforts may come in a most simple way through the 4th and 6th (these freakin' sextiles am I right?), yet will not manifest in a way that can be engineered or made to happen like many manifestations stories would have you think.

The sextile provides an easier time helping things along, but the involvement with the quincunx--and by default, the yod aspect, indicates that no mater how simple things can be--they are not always intended to be that way.

Being intentional is so important, it is so simple yet so profound. @Plantop-14 This yod aspect requires you to be intentional in your manifestations. Sure, some of them may be simple and you can have really beneficial results and benefits--but that isn't really the point nor the gift of this aspect.

Imagine a seesaw, okay now imagine two people on one side and one person on the other side. Whatever happens--all are involved. The two on the same side--are on the same side. They are literally working in tandem. The third person on the other side is the one who may be left feeling the most frustrated--this person represented by Saturn. It may be tiring at times and frustrating to keep going, and keep making an effort--but that is the point. Make the effort, and be intentional, don't try to make things easy just because you can. Otherwise, this third person is gonna be like f*ck you guys--I'll do whatever I want. Then what? Well then the sextile is no longer working in tandem--it isn't working at all. And things that should be easy, will in fact be harder. By being intentional about life plans, goals and making a genuine effort at things that come easy, you grow in a way that Saturn respects, and when you gain the respect of Saturn--through work and persistence, you will be rewarded with the "finger of god" in all your endeavors.

I hope this makes sense, and I hope it helps a bit. I wanted to go into specifics, but I'll save that for another time. The yod is powerful and carries potential meant to be utilized intentionally as if you were the god of these planets and energies.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading! I welcome feedback, @plantop-14 thank you for reaching out and tagging me. <3

@astrolovecosmoscosmos @astrroloaries @crystalsenergy @elysiansparadise @exalted222 @gg-astrology @helianthus-tarot

@hausofneptune @harmoonix @kms-astro

@katiifaetarot @kalki-tarot @libbee @leoascendente @moonseyeastrology @mercurianchild @nymphia-tarot @nayatarot777 @neptunes-sol-angel @occultic-luna @p1utofairy @psychelis-new @rxmxa @rebeltarot @saylessastrology @theoccultz @witchthewriter @youthnighttarot

Your friendly, funky-astrologer -S.

#astrology #yod #yod aspect #finger of god #aries #virgo #scorpio #4th house #6th house #11th house #manifestation #sextile

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khujoor · 4 months

Text

apple pie ch.one

tw: zhongli makes reader a bit uncomfy

wc: ab 1.3k

"we should all go out tonight! like when we were younger in middle school," ayaka said, trying to get the groups attention.

"can't, got wrestling practice," beidou said, not bothering to look up from her phone.

"i can't either, my mom wants me to meet some guy she's been dating," you sighed, putting your homework in your bag.

your friend group wasn't necessarily large, only five people, but others may disagree. it consisted of ayaka, the class president, beidou, the athlete people loved, ningguang, the student council president, keqing, the council's secretary, and you, y/n.

"is he famous?" beidou asked, suddenly interested in the discussion.

you couldn't blame your friends for no longer having interest in discussions, or no longer having free time, you were all seniors, only a month from graduating. you all also had other friends too. it wouldn't be a lie if you said you'd prefer others than them at times.

"i don't know," you shrugged. "i never met him."

"you think he's gonna be an old man?" ningguang asked you.

"i think he was born in '87 since my mom got him something year of the rabbit related. or '75 but not even my mom is 40 yet."

"he's young then. you're about half his age, if he's 36, that is."

you weren't necessarily excited to meet him. ever since your father passed away at a young age, your mom got a new boyfriend every other week, acting as if she was going to marry them, only to break up since your mom lost interest.

you thought your mom was the reason why you didn't have a proper relationship, you don't know what love really is. sure, your mom got you stuff, never yelled or hit you, and wasn't constantly out the house, but she never knew how to show affection towards you.

"do you think this relationship will turn out well for your mom?" beidou put her legs up on the empty chair next to her, grabbing a piece of gum for herself.

"beidou!" keqing looked at beidou, not wanting you to be hurt by her words.

"it's fine," you sighed. "i hope so, but i don't think it will. she's a very picky woman, y'know?" you sarcastically said.

you wished your mom would have a proper relationship. a not creepy boyfriend. maybe you can get a father figure too while she's at it.

"i think.. i'll get a rich boyfriend. then, we can live together, far from here, wouldn't that be nice?" you daydreamed.

"finish school first," beidou snorted.

"why don't you move into the dorms?" ningguang questioned.

"you know my mom can't afford it. if she could, i would've gladly moved in the dorms," you grabbed your phone from your pocket, opening your bank account. "even my part-time job doesn't give me enough money to live on campus," you showed the balance on your phone, a mere 150 dollars.

"you just got hired," keqing said. "just save up, you'll have enough money soon."

"we're all going to be out of school by then."

you wore the most expensive thing you owned, or probably the only expensive thing you owned since you hardly spent much on yourself. it was a dress, but wasn't too fancy or revealing.

"(y/n)! are you ready yet?" your mom called from her bedroom, as you heard her complain about what purse would best suit her outfit.

her boyfriend was supposed to pick you two up to take you all to the dinner, and while there was about 5 minutes left, you were decided whether you really wanted to go or not.

you can easily pretend to be sick, right? a few random stuff thrown in the toilet looks like throw up, doesn't it?

"you be on your best behavior tonight, okay? i really love him, so you better not ruin this for me."

you love your mom, if love was the right word for it, but she said that everytime. and everytime she ended up ruining it herself. what were you gonna do?

you slipped on your flats, changing from your original plan of heels, considering school made your feet sore.

you stood outside, next to your mom who dragged you outside, saying it'd be better to be outside so he wouldn't have to wait.

"mom?"

"yes?"

"do you really love him?"

she took a moment to say something.

"of course i do."

as your mom's words lingered in the air, you couldn't help but feel a sense of skepticism. it wasn't the first time she had proclaimed her love for someone new, only for it to end in disappointment and heartache. but this time, something felt different.

maybe it was the way her eyes sparkled when she talked about him, or the genuine smile that graced her face whenever he came up in some conversation of yours.

you sighed, pushing aside your doubts for now. after all, you wanted nothing more than to see your mom happy, even if it meant going through the rollercoaster of emotions that came with her relationships.

folding your arms across your chest, you forced yourself to wear a supportive smile as you waited for her boyfriend's arrival.

just as you were about to suggest checking the time, a sleek black car pulled up in front of your house.

"he's here," you said, looking at your mom.

"you should sit in the front seat, i'm sure he'd love to meet you," she said as she sits in the back.

"fuck," you groaned, rubbing your temple in frustration. you didn't like meeting new people, and now you were expected to sit next to a new person?

you opened the door, sitting down, making sure you were close to the door as you put out your hand. "i'm (y/n), it's nice to meet you. my mother always talks about you."

"really? i'm honored," his voice was deep, yet carried some sweetness as he looked back at your mom. he shakes your hand firmly, his hand feeling a bit rough. "i'm zhongli. you may have heard of my company, liyue? we're an entertainment agency."

"oh, yeah, i've heard of it before," you put on your seatbelt, wondering what to say to keep the conversation going.

he had a fairly nice car, it looked newly polished, and had the new car smell. you would believe him if he told you this was a brand new car.

"your mother tells me you're top of your class?"

"yeah, barely. hopefully i'll graduate top of my class," you said, looking forward, even if you desperately wanted to look away, you didn't want to be that disrespectful.

"what do you plan to do after high school?"

"become a scien-"

"a doctor. she wants to be a doctor," your mother interrupted you, but you doubt that did anything considering you said most of the title already.

zhongli's smile seemed to widen, but it didn't reach his eyes. "ah, a studious young lady. that's commendable. and dreams… they have a way of evolving, don't they?"

you nodded, trying to shake off the discomfort that settled over you. the rest of the ride was spent in awkward silence, broken only by occasional attempts at forced small talk. each passing moment increased your desire to escape this situation.

finally, the car pulled up to the restaurant, and you were relieved to step out into the crisp night air. the restaurant's ambiance couldn't dispel the tension that lingered, and the evening unfolded as a series of strained conversations and awkward silences.

#x reader #genshin #angst #genshin impact #genshin x reader #yandere #yandere genshin #yandere zhongli x reader #genshin zhongli #yandere zhongli #zhongli #zhongli genshin #zhongli x reader #yandere male #male yandere #tw yandere #tw angst

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tartigglez · 9 months

Text

puppy, bunny or kitty? (pt.1)

・❥・hey guys here's silly goofy headcanons of some genshin people and what flavour of petplay they're in to lol. this was initially only the mondstadters but i threw in some liyue babagrills too woowwo

・❥・kaeya, diluc, jean, albedo, thoma, zhongli, childe (separate) x gn!reader

・❥・nsfw, 16+, this is about petplay so dni if uncomfy!, sub!switch!character, dom!switch!reader, collaring, ears n tails, i think thats it? general dom/sub dynamics, talk of aftercare, degradation in some, just general filth bro

・❥・0.8k

kaeya - puppy

when he’s not in control, he really enjoys being loyal and told what to do. he loves when you order him around and when you spoil him, so its no surprise how happy he looks when you present him with a fluffy, blue tail you got for him recently. he happily giggles and asks if he can put it in. only you would be capable of breaking the cavalry captains ever-suave façade. he just sincerely hopes nobody ever finds out how he can get when you're in control…

diluc - kitty

diluc is poised, prim and proper, and although he doesn’t quite see it, you’ve definitely noticed this fact making itself present in your sex life. it’s not often that he hands control over to you, but when he does, he does it fully and completely. the level of trust he has for you is incomparable to anything else, so he trusts that he will be safe with you. he’s not much in to having accessories, but will definitely kneel by you, allow you to pat his head and rest it against your thigh, or kiss up and down it, depending on how he’s feeling.

jean - kitty

she’s never thought much in to the idea of having one of you being strictly “in charge” so to speak, but when you suggest it, she’ll enthusiastically agree. as much as she is quite vanilla, she’ll try anything once. she is more than happy to put on cat ears and place her hands between her legs on the bed as she kneels, happily awaiting for you to tell her what to do.

albedo - puppy

albedo will quite literally do whatever you tell him to do, he is a literal golden retriever, i will die on this hill. he is extremely gentle in nature and this reflects in every aspect of his life. he is usually vanilla but this is one of the exceptions to that. when he feels like submitting, you should be ready for him to become completely subservient, he will be awaiting your command, tongue out, waiting for you to push your fingers in to his mouth. when he has been won over, it is so incredibly hard to break his loyalty. he trusts you with everything. (do not hurt him ;-;)

thoma - puppy, through and through.

thoma is good at keeping secrets, which is why it's such a surprise to you when he shows you his collection of ears and tails, but you are far from disappointed. in fact, there is nothing prettier than watching him as he kneels, waiting for you and pouting. he loves being praised. just you telling him what a good boy he is has him smiling ear to ear and sticking his tongue out for you. he’s loud and vocal, whining and whimpering without even realising he’s doing it. he can get needy very easily, but he’s happy to wait for you, even if he knows you’re only teasing him. eventually you’ll give him what he needs, and that’s enough for him.

zhongli - a bit of them all!

it’s pretty impossible to type zhongli for this, it really just depends on how he’s feeling! he finds it really, really attractive when you suddenly assert dominance over him, kiss him all over and make it known that you are in charge. he is such a powerful being, but he is reduced to nothing when you tell him how much of a pretty puppy he is in that sweet, sarcastic tone. if he’s feeling more bratty however, that’s when he wants to be chastised for being a naughty kitty. he will put up a fight against your dominance, but he never wants to win that fight at all. when he craves intimacy, but doesn’t want to take charge, he will bury his head in to your neck and whisper soft words against it. when you’ve only just begun, it might be something along the lines of how wonderful you look. later, when he’s further gone, it may be something different entirely, like asking if he’s a pretty bunny, or it could be that his mind is already wandering to the thought of aftercare with you.

childe - puppy

cheery in nature, eager to try anything, and above all, loyal, childe wants to try everything for you, and will readily defend you in any situation. at the same time, he is literally filthy. nothing turns him on more than being degraded and used and told how much of a whore he is. he’s a little ashamed at first, but nothing makes him happier than being treated that way, then being degraded for it. being belittled makes him so incredibly horny, but also drives him to do better for you. trust he will serve you, and will bring you all the pleasure you could possibly seek. of course, aftercare is important as always. treat him softly, he needs time to get out of the headspace <3

nsfw masterlist || sfw masterlist || taglist: @celestetalkstoomuch @lioria

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softxsuki · 9 months

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Hello, may I make an URGENT request, please?

Nxx boys with an s/o who isolate themselves when going through a depressive and anxiety induced episode. To the extent that they actively go out of their way to avoid people (including them), they texted them one message about it before leaving them on read) . When they check on the reader, they are super skittish and super anxious about burdening others. S/o insists that they are okay even though they are trembling to the point where they struggle to stand. S/o is anxiously fixating on being "clean" (showering and exfoliating excessively to the point their skin is kinda red, wearing a white oversized shirt ) and being "cold enough" (their place is dark, max ac, fans on max) (they are also just wearing a loose shirt and shorts trying to feel something). In addition, there are red dots on the shirt along the center of their body, indicating fresh self-harm.

(Thank you in advance, and my apologies if It's really specific and it makes you uncomfy)

Tears of Themis Boys Comfort S/O Who Tries To Isolate Themself

TW: Do not read it mentions of blood and self harm, along with poor mental state will make you feel worse, rather than comfort you!

Pairings: Luke x Gn!Reader, Marius x Gn!Reader, Artem x Gn!Reader, Vyn x Gn!Reader

Warnings: mentions of self-harm, fresh cuts, blood, depression, anxiety, poor mental state in general, isolation, feeling like a burden

Genre: comfort

Post-Type: headcanons

Word Count: 3.4k

Summary: In which you find yourself going through episodes of depression and anxiety so you try to isolate yourself from the boys

[A/N: Hello! Firstly, I'm sorry that this was as soon as I could write and post this urgent request for you, but I thank you for being patient and understanding! I tried my best to include as many details as you mentioned, but I did end up leaving some out. As we can see I went a little overboard, but I hope this helps you out <3. Hope you enjoy! Depression and anxiety are so horrible to deal with, trust me I have a few episodes as well, they come so suddenly and they definitely hit hard. Reach out if you ever need to, I'm here if you need anything! <3]

Luke:

As your childhood friend, Luke notices that something is wrong the minute you begin to isolate yourself from him

You guys always hangout together, whether it be him walking you home from work, or grabbing a quick lunch together between your busy schedules, both of you always made time for each other

So when you began messaging him that you couldn’t get lunch or see him, red alerts went off in his head immediately

He just wants to make sure it’s nothing serious and wants you to know that he’s there for you if you need him, so he sends you a quick text

You do respond, but your message is short and cryptic; however, after that, all his other messages get left on read

He acknowledges that you clearly need space, so he gives it to you, sending a check-in message to you every few hours as he continues his work for the day

By the end of the day with still no response from you, he decides enough is enough, so he races over to your place

He doesn’t want to be a nuisance and seem overbearing, but he was very worried now, this had never happened before since the two of you began dating

Arriving at your home, your door is surprisingly unlocked so he lets himself in, making a mental note to remind you to not leave your door unlocked when you are home alone…

But he’s met with pure darkness in your home along with a freezing breeze

He enters your room to find you on your bed in only a t-shirt and shorts to cover you from how cold is was in there

He does internally freak out for a moment and thinks the worst–probably stares at you for a while, holding his breath, until he sees your chest rise, indicating you were indeed alive, and only then is he able to breathe again

“MC,” he calls out in a whisper, not wanting to alarm you from his sudden presence as you lie on your bed with your eyes closed in the darkness

It does spook you a bit, but you could recognize his voice anywhere as you open your eyes and question why he was there, in which he quickly scolds you for keeping your door unlocked but sighs as he sits beside you on the bed

“What’s going on?” He asks.

“Nothing, I’m fine” you say quickly

Did you really think he’d believe that? He’s a detective for crying out loud, he could spot a lie a mile away, especially when it came from you, someone he knew for so long now

As his eyes get accustomed to the dark, he notices a dark stain on your shirt and leans forward to turn your bedside lamp on–and then it becomes very clear what was going on…that was blood

“Spill, I’m all ears”

You know he means business, and you can’t exactly hide the blood from your self-harm on your shirt either, so you let it all out; how low you’ve been feeling lately, and how you got a wave of depression and anxiety out of nowhere, hence your distance from him

“I just didn’t want to burden you with all these complicated feelings that not even I can handle. You’re busy with your own work and I don’t want to distract you from that…but I’m sorry for ignoring your messages. I did read them all and I appreciate your support and allowing me some space,” you sigh, feeling bad that he ended up in this mess anyway

“You’re not a burden to me, MC. You’re my lover and my childhood friend, we have a bond unlike any other. You don’t have to pretend to be okay around me. You’ve always been there for me on my rough days, so it would be an honor to do the same for you…I love you…a lot. I hope you know that I’ll always be here for you. The second you need me, I’d drop everything to hear you out and help you through it,” Luke expresses and he reaches out to hold your hand, pulling you into his arms

And just like that you felt a little less lonely through your feelings, you could get through this

After giving you some privacy to clean up your fresh cuts, Luke spends the night with you as he feels a bit nervous leaving you alone. He’d make you some hot chocolate or any kind of drink that you’d like to warm you up as he turns the fans off and lowers the ac, throwing a blanket on you

You wanted to feel something? Well enjoy the warmth this man provides you with as he joins you under the blanket and gets lost in conversation with you for the rest of the night until you both fall asleep

Marius:

Ahh yes Marius–this man is clingy and obsessive (in a good way) so the second you leave him on read along with only telling him through text that you ‘need some space’ he’s already at your front door, knocking on it

“MC! Honey, it’s me, please let me in,” He pleads loudly. (rip to the neighbors because he’d stand there all night until you decide to let him in)

Knowing how persistent he was, you force yourself up to unlock the door before plopping back down on your sofa, allowing him to let himself in

Thankfully Marius hears your lock click and opens the door himself, but he’s a little taken aback by the darkness in your home along with how freezing it was in there

He flicks on the light by the front door, which makes you flinch from the sudden brightness, and you find him running over to your side to embrace you as soon as he sees you’re only in a t-shirt and shorts in this freezing home

Your skin is as cold as ice as he tries his best to warm you up

“What’s going on? Why is it so cold in here and why did you leave me on read?” He pouts, not letting go of you

You do push him away slightly though despite how comforting and warm it was in his arms

“Nothing, I’m fine. I like the cold”

He squints his eyes at you, knowing you were lying because you weren’t looking into his eyes

Marius inspects your condition one for time, and that’s when he notices the faint dark stains on your shirt–blood, it had to be, unless you were painting with red paint somewhere in your home, but that seemed highly unlikely

“Please let me in,” he says in a softer tone, going a little more serious

This pulls at your heart strings, Marius never got serious unless it came to his father’s company or when danger was around, but you clearly weren’t okay and that made him worry, so you decide to just open up to him

You tell him about your feelings, how you’ve been feeling really anxious and sad lately, and you also explain how you blocked him out because you didn’t want to be a burden to him

“If anyone’s a burden, it’s probably me, beautiful,” he sighs in relief, happy that he finally knows what’s been going on. “Of course filling my fathers place as CEO is a little stressful, but darling, time spent with you is my only time to be myself and to truly relax, even if that means hearing your worries and feelings. It’s my job as your boyfriend to protect you and keep you safe, but I’m failing at my job if you don’t let me in…”

He pulls you into his embrace as tears start to fall from your eyes

“Please let me be your shoulder to cry on, let me be the one who helps you feel alive, who helps you feel something. I’m your person, the one you’ll never feel alone with, just say the word and I’ll take all those burdens off your shoulders”

Slight relief fills you at his words…you really weren’t alone. These feelings didn’t have to feel as overwhelming as they did

After more hugs and a few kisses, Marius makes it his responsibility to clean your cuts up and press kisses to each of them

Afterwards, he’d order some takeout that you like as he offers you professional help if you thought you needed it (he wouldn’t force you, but he wants you to know that there are options and that was one of them) as someone big in the industry, he had many connections and he could find you the best psychiatrist in Stellis with the snap of a finger

But whatever choice you decide to make, just know that he’d support you through it all no matter what

Artem:

Intellectual Artem has a more direct approach to helping you out

He doesn’t pick up on you isolating yourself from him that quickly, because he’s always swamped with work, and you usually give him his space anyway when he’s busy

But one weekend when he had the day off and you didn’t reach out to him first, he was a little…sad? Disappointed? Something like that

He becomes worried and messages you but you only tell him you’re fine

Every message he sends after that gets left on read, so he then catches on that you are very clearly not fine

“You can be honest with me, MC. We’re lovers…I just want to be there for you. Please message me when you get the chance,” he messages you

Artem wanted to give you your space, but he was worried. Did he do something to you without even realizing that he upset you? Were you really okay? So his plan of giving you the weekend to yourself goes down the drain as he finds himself at your front door with some homemade food he cooked at his own home and packed for the two of you to enjoy

He knocks softly at your door and clears his throat, “It’s me, Artem” he announces himself, feeling a little awkward…what if he was just overreacting? He was still pretty new to the whole dating scene after all

However, as your disheveled self peeks through the slightly open door, he knows his fears weren’t for nothing

You don’t even get a chance to speak before he’s already opening the door fully and stepping into your home

The darkness of your home along with the freezing temperature hits him like a truck as he turns back to look at you, with furrowed brows…what exactly was going on?

The light from outside illuminates just bright enough where he can see what you’re wearing, a t-shirt and some shorts. You must’ve been freezing

Needing to change the environment around you both, he places the food down and helps you close the front door, opening up the blinds to let in some natural light along the way

Seeing one of your candles nearby, he lights one up and guides you to the couch where he places a blanket over you

He’s quietly studying you, trying to piece everything together, but this is a case he can’t entirely solve on his own

“MC…” he says, not really knowing where to start. “Is everything okay?”

Clearly everything was in fact not okay, and he did notice the blood stains on your shirt, but he decides to keep his observations to himself, you’d tell him if you wanted to

“I’m great. How are you? What brings you here?” You feign interest, you weren’t in the right headspace to have casual conversation

“I know you’re probably holding back and pretending to be okay because you think you’d be a burden to me. Trust me MC, I know how to read you well, you’re my partner after all. I’d be foolish to believe those lies. It’s okay though, I won’t push you to tell me, but just know that you aren’t a burden. You’re the only one I’ve let into my life and I just want to make sure you’re happy. As your man, it’s my job to make sure you’re doing well, and it seems like I dropped the ball, so for that I am truly sorry.”

Not wanting Artem to blame himself anymore, you decide to just tell him everything that’s been going on, from everything you’ve been feeling, and why you’ve been avoiding him, as well as informing him that you self-harmed

It wasn’t like you didn’t trust him, you did, you were just scared to lose him or have him not want to deal with the baggage you carried

Your body began to shake as you explained everything and Artem quietly listened to each word, scooting closer to you as you spoke, so he could hold you, in an attempt to calm your nerves and ease your shakes

“I see…I’m sorry for not noticing sooner. Though work takes up a lot of my time, you’ll always be my number one priority. I’ll do better. I promise,” he sighs, holding you tighter to him as if you’d disappear from his grasp

Even if you reassure him that it isn’t his fault, Artem takes this very seriously and would work more on checking in on you throughout his day, no matter how busy he is

“I know you’re going through a tough time right now. I’m not sure how I can be truly helpful other than just giving you my support, but we can look for a professional's help as well if that's something you’d like to do…” He brings one of your hands up to his lips and leaves a lingering kiss to your skin, “You’re not alone, never. It’s okay to reach out for help when you need it. You can reach out to me anytime, even if you just need to hear my voice. I’ll always make time for you MC, I love you. I promise we’ll get through this together”

After everything, and once you’re a lot calmer, he’d put on a movie for you both to watch as you eat the food he brought, making a mental note to check out your wounds later on, but for now he’d try to keep things bright and hopefully distract you, even if it was just momentarily

He does take a few days off of work so he can stay by your side and give you the support you need as you decide what step you want to take next

Vyn:

Nothing slides by Vyn, this is his specialty after all

You and Vyn frequently got together to drink tea and just talk about life or go on walks at a nearby park, Vyn always made time for you at the end of his day after seeing patients all day

So when you text him to cancel your plans one evening, he already knows something is up

“Something came up, I can’t go out this week. I’ll text you when I can,” you message him

“I am coming over,” he responds immediately, pulling his things together as he heads to you

Though he does have a spare key to your place, he doesn’t use it, knowing that suddenly invading your space, especially when something was obviously going on with you, wouldn’t be a great idea

“Darling, mind letting me in? I would like to speak with you if that is alright,” he speaks calmly through the door, knowing you were probably expecting him and listening on the other side somewhere

It takes a while. It’s silent, which worries Vyn as he debates whether he should just let himself in, but his worries vanish as soon as he hears your lock click open and the door slowly creaks as you open it

“My love,” Vyn whispers, eyeing the darkness behind you as a chill hits his face from the open door, but he keeps a smile on his face, needing to remain calm and not act shocked or alarmed which could potentially scare you off or have you close your heart to him, “Can I come in?”

You nod softly and open your door wider so he can come in, you were expecting him anyway since he said he’d be over soon

Vyn is still in his doctor coat which he slings over your shoulders, noticing you’re only wearing shorts and a t-shirt when you had the ac on blast. It was freezing in your home

He turns on a small lamp, not wanting to blind you with the bright light of the room, but needing to change the feel of your home subtly

Taking a seat on your couch, he pats the spot beside him, eyeing your bloody shirt until you’re seated

“May I?” he asks, gesturing to your shirt and whether he could see the damage you made. You knew there was no hiding things from Vyn. He was used to this and probably already knew what was going on, so you hesitantly nod, sighing in defeat as you begin to shake

You were scared of what he’d say or think about you after seeing your fresh cuts…

Vyn gently lifts your shirt and takes in the sight of your cuts with a neutral expression, then walks away to get some supplies to bandage you up so they don’t get infected

When he returns with a first aid kit, he quietly and softly cleans you up before speaking again

“I am all ears if you would like to say what led you to do this? And before you say it, no you are not a burden, no I am not upset, and no I do not hate you, darling. I am still very much in love with you despite how much it pains me to see you hurt yourself like this. I would just like to understand from your perspective if you would let me in,” he smiles softly, ready to hear you out

And as if he had some kind of magic pull on you, you find yourself revealing everything to him, from the complicated emotions and episodes you’ve gone through for the past few days, to how it all led to you eventually harming yourself, so you could feel something for once…something other than your depression and anxiety

He understood now, from your isolation, to the state of your home, and your desire to feel something, hence why it was so cold in your home and why you were wearing shorts despite how cold it was. All the pieces started to come together in his head

Vyn takes your hand in his now that he finished treating your cuts, he laces your fingers together as he speaks, “I first want you to know that what you are feeling is normal. It happens to a lot of people who are not aware of how to properly cope with these intense feelings. Depression and anxiety are more common than you think, but perhaps taking matters into your own hands caused you to feel worse?”

“Perhaps,” you nod, agreeing with his words. This was something you always tried to deal with on your own, which is why you tried to isolate yourself in the first place, you didn’t want to drag anyone else into your problems, you felt this was your own burden to carry

“Now…speaking not as a psychiatrist, but as your boyfriend, I want to say I care about you more than anything in this world. You are the light of my life, the one and only person I look forward to seeing everyday, so please do not lock me out of your heart, darling. It is my actual job and my duty as your lover to ensure you are okay. But you can count on me to help you through this if you would allow it”

Whether you take his help or not, he’d still show you his love and support for whatever decision you make

After a few hugs and more chatting, Vyn would make you some tea to calm you down

He’d squeeze you into his business day if you choose to seek counseling with him…after all he’s the only person he’d trust to truly help you through this

Through the good and the bad, Vyn will always remain by your side and hear you out, even with your smallest issues

REQUESTS ARE OPEN :D

Posted: 7/18/2023

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moonlightspencie · 4 days

Text

rewatched the update video, read some posts from both people who like and dislike the update, and just finished charlie’s (mo1stcr1tikal) video about watcher. here are my complete thoughts:

Video Execution

i appreciate that they seem to have consulted with a PR person, or at the very least really sat down and thought through their approach with the video.

they didn’t try to boo-hoo themselves.

they used a lot of positive “you language” for the fans (which i very much appreciate as a media and communication person myself)

they took accountability for their mistakes, and actually uttered the word “sorry”. low bar, i know, but many apology videos still somehow slip under the bar.

they very clearly put the focus on ryan and shane in the video. it sucks a bit that they probably felt they had to since much of that was probably due to the negative comments directed at steven, but it WAS a smart move. fans feel most betrayed by the two the majority connect with the most.

it. wasn’t. overproduced. (again, low bar, but it is what it is).

overall thoughts on execution? it was smart. they look uncomfortable, and whether that’s intentional or their true feelings, regardless of why they look so uncomfy, it makes it easier to watch. they don’t look pissed or smug. they look embarrassed. which, in an apology video, is a good thing. sorry to say

The Solution

i think they came up with the best alternative they could after royally fucking up with the majority of their fans.

the patreon solution… mixed feelings. i understand they don’t want to just go forward with one or the other: the patreon or the streamer. however, as ive seen some patrons say, it doesn’t make all that much sense to have both logistically. i think it’s only set up this way because they can’t go back entirely on watcher.tv now. good on them for giving a bit of a fix with the codes being sent to patrons.

i was still lost on how they weren’t “advertiser friendly”, and that’s where charlie’s video came in to affirm my suspicions. go watch his video for more information, but long story short: watcher is a GOLD MINE for advertisers. huge and loyal audience, engaging ads that make the viewer want to watch the ad, and an ever-growing channel.

on the back of the last point: how on earth were they struggling with money to begin with? it simply doesn’t make any sense. they had so many revenue streams & again, DO get sponsors and appear to be incredibly brand-friendly.

trust is still lost with most fans, and that will be hard as hell to regain. the ex-buzzfeed three-guys-on-a-couch model didn’t even work when the try guys were fucked over by their friend and brand trust was lost a little bit. and this loss of brand trust is fully on all three dudes on the couch this time

overall thoughts on the solution? it’s good for what they can do now that they obviously cannot just fully backtrack. that would arguably be a worse idea than the original idea for the streaming service itself. i think this would have worked much better and they would have retained integrity if they had done this from the beginning, and/or had a slow rollout instead of jumpscaring us like that. ghost files is supposed to spook us, not surprise paywalls.

Final Thoughts

a ton of trust was lost. the parasocial relationship that specifically shane and ryan fans had with them, that was the REASON for so much of the loyalty, is fractured, and for many it will never be the same as it was. i understand their fuck up when it came to the announcement was likely just them needing more self-awareness and a professional to guide them through it, but i still question how it got to that point where they felt like their fans would enjoy this to begin with. not to mention, again, how were they not making enough? why not try other options first?

i hope sincerely that watcher truly learns from this. that they remember their business isn’t about money or ambition (in a positive or negative way), but is built on the backs of their fans’ loyalty. without that fan loyalty, buzzfeed unsolved would have been the only thing we knew ryan and shane for. we wouldn’t have followed them to a new channel if we didn’t care about them and their work to certain degree.

it was a good apology video. genuinely. i’m glad they didn’t jump into it with a bandaid solution. i just wish they had the foresight to know their fans well enough to understand that there is NO way this would be well received by the majority. and there’s no going back on that now, obviously. what’s past is past. i hope moving forward that they gain a little self-awareness and that they gain some FAN-awareness. until/unless they start working on television and movies, they have to keep their fans happy. we are the consumer, not the employee, and it feels like they started somehow blurring those lines with the original video they posted. it felt like one of the corporate ‘training’ videos for my job when we start using a new system.

fans are important in online spaces, particularly. we provide free advertising for our favorite bloggers/youtubers/etc., and willingly give up money to support them through various streams (in watcher’s case: patreon, merch, live shows). you cannot exist as a creator online and think that you don’t need to keep your fans happy when it is your source of income. it’s simply how being a successful internet personality works, for better or worse.

good job to the watcher boys on how they went about the apology/fix. i hope things go better from here on out.

#watcher #shane madej #ryan bergara #steven lim #watcher entertainment

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rrxnjun · 1 year

Text

two people ;; mark lee

pairing: mark lee x fem! reader genre: wedding planner! mark, fiancé! jeno, strangers to lovers au | slice of life, slowburn, angst, hurt/comfort word count: 16.8k warnings: swearing, a break up a/n: i broke my own heart with this one. also, the blue monday series is finally over, after more than a year passing since i started it haha <3 sorry it took so long, but im happy to finally have a series that i managed to complete :) thank you for everyone that read the series, all of the fics are insanely special and to me and i hold them very dear to my heart. hope you like a painful hurt/comfort as our last stop!

synopsis: two people under bedsheets: one suffocating lover, one fool in a wedding gown. in other words, where you find the courage to get over your guilt and break free from your own promise, all becasue, in true irony, your wedding planner.

blue monday series | playlist

TWO PEOPLE UNDER BEDSHEETS, ONE SHIVERING WITH COLD FEET

You’re quite certain you’ve rethought your decision more times than you can count.

When your body hits the cold sheets of your bed, stumbling to your side of the mattress, you wonder if the heater broke again and you’re going to spend another night alone, shivering until the tiredness doesn’t make your thoughts turn off and your eyelids get heavy with sleep. Dressed in your usual pajamas and staring out of the window, watching the stars shyly glimmer, the moon kisses your cheeks in a solemn feeling of a weird nostalgia you can’t seem to shake off no matter how hard you try. The feeling is quite uncomfy. It makes your bones itch, it makes you wonder what is wrong and why you’re suddenly so deep in your thoughts, wondering about all the different paths you could’ve taken. You try to battle the feeling, but there’s no use– it’s too strong and you’re too weak; too tired to keep fighting.

A huff lands into your ear, a muffled sigh that makes you slightly open your eyes and still in your movements, wondering if you’ve woken him up. Feeling momentarily bad, you get ready to mumble a whispered apology for going to bed so late when you know that he has to wake up early for work tomorrow, acknowledging the fact that your arrival to bed always startles him and makes him wake up in the middle of the night, when a strong arm slings itself over your middle, engulfing you in a tight back-hug.

His body grows closer to you, shuffling himself to stick himself as close to your body as possible, a heavy breath reaching your ear. Your hand automatically reaches for his one laying on your stomach, looking over at him to see his eyes still closed, noticing his breathing being steady. You haven’t woken him up, you sigh in relief, eyes traveling along his face for some time, studying his features as if this was the first time he’s so close to you.

His eyelashes kiss his cheekbones, sharp edges of his face making him perhaps one of the most handsome people you’ve ever seen. You remember all the girls in university being jealous of you, for you’ve managed to catch Lee Jeno– the Lee Jeno everyone had been pining over ever since before you enrolled, feeling pride for how long your relationship has lasted. The shape of his lips is now a familiar sight to you– you bet you could recognise his mouth even with your eyes closed, knowing his warmth and his mannerisms while kissing you by heart now, for it’s happened more times than you can count; more times than you can remember.

Looking back over to the window, eyes briefly catching the time glimmering on the alarm clock sitting on your bedside table, you bite down on your lips and try to battle the weird feeling starting to dangerously spread across your insides again. His body pressing itself into your back is warm, trying hard to provide you with a sense of home and safety.

Chewing on your bottom lip, you fight the sigh that desires to come out of your chest.

Shimmering in the cold– because your body doesn’t let you absorb the hotness of his love anymore– you nervously play with the silver on your ring finger, twirling it around and feeling for the little pedant in the middle.

Almost like every other day, not being able to fall asleep, you’re quite certain you’ve rethought your decision more times than you can count.

Heels clicking on the shiny white floor, you walk through the narrow hall of the building in the very center of your hometown, adjusting the bag on your shoulder. As you near the service you’re supposed to visit today, your heart starts doing little tumbles and turns, your hands shaky as you think of the appointment right in front of you. Taking a deep breath in and out, you run your hand through your hair, trying to calm yourself down for the last time as you open the door and step inside of the room, telling yourself that there’s no turning back now and you’re in it for good.

The bell above the door rings, making you cautiously look around the room, noticing the whole store decorated in white and nude tones, plants and flowers potted everywhere across the spacious room. In the corner of the whole store, you see a little light wooden desk with three cushioned chairs, a desktop computer in the corner, various catalogs scattered across the surface with some more in a little white IKEA bookshelf right behind it all.

Admiring everything, you almost don’t notice the man peeking his head out of the door on the right, a hesitant look playing with his features.

“Good morning,” he says, bowing to you out of politeness.

Caught off-guard for no reason at all, you turn your lips into a tight-lipped smile, greeting him. “Good morning! I’m… uh… I’m supposed to have an appointment today,” you say, playing with your fingers as you clasp your hands together at your waist.

“Oh,” he nods, finally coming out of the room, furrowed eyebrows and all, “Ms… and Mr Lee?” he asks, confirming, earning himself a hurried nod.

“Yeah,” you say, “I’m- I’m Ms Lee to-be,” you clarify, licking your lips in nerves.

The man in front of you nods, ushering you towards the little station in the corner, leading you to the chair and inviting you to sit down. “And Mr Lee is…?”

“At work,” you mutter, putting your hair behind your ear, “he’s- he’s quite busy with work, usually, so he wasn’t able to come and I didn’t just want to cancel it, so I figured I can come alone, but- but he’ll be here the next time, I promise!” you hurriedly explain, suddenly feeling shy under the stranger’s gaze, not wanting to be judged by, who you assume is, your wedding planner.

His smile is gentle and reassuring, nodding as he stares into your eyes. “No worries! It’s okay, it’s just… unusual to come alone to a wedding planning, but I suppose we can work with only you today, then,” he says, his voice calm and sending shivers down your spine.

Clearing your throat, you take your eyes off the stranger in front of you, letting them travel all across the room, desiring to find something to put your attention towards. The whole situation feels weird and awkward. Who even comes to plan their wedding alone? It’s not like it’s only your wedding– there’s two of you that are getting married, and it’s only expected for you two to do it all together. And that’s how it was supposed to go anyway– the appointment at the wedding salon was scheduled a little over a few weeks ago, with Jeno reassuring you that he’s free that day; but when the day came and he told you he has work, you wanted to cancel it and come some other day. He refused, though, telling you that you can start on it alone and he’ll just compromise with you and follow what you’ve chosen.

It all feels like it’s supposed to be about you, but when your own wedding is the thing on line, it almost looks as if your own fiancé isn’t even interested in being a part of it.

“My name is Mark Lee, by the way,” the man says after clearing his throat, catching your attention again and offering you his hand to shake, “I’m the person in charge of your wedding, it seems! I hope you find working with me on this important day fun and that we can arrange something you two have always dreamt of,” he smiles as you take his hand and shake it, noticing the warmness of his touch.

Mark Lee doesn’t seem like your typical wedding planner. The ones you see in the movies are almost always female, with long acrylic nails and blonde hair pinned up into a funky hair-do, with bright eyes and smile lines imprinted into their face. Mark Lee, on the other hand, is a male– which is unusual, to say the least– and he also seems nothing like the movies. He’s calm and gentle, although still excited to work with you on the day of your dreams, with a shy smile and honest eyes that are slightly covered by the fringe of his chocolate hair falling into them, making him look young and lively.

“Nice to meet you,” you say, “my name’s ______ ______,” you introduce yourself with your first and last name, not taking Jeno’s just yet and shuffling a little in your seat.

“Okay, so,” Mark says as he takes out a notepad and types in the password into the computer that’s sitting in the corner of the desk, “I suppose we can start brainstorming today? Maybe tell me your main ideas, what you want for the wedding and what you don’t, how you want it to be decorated, just- just the general idea, nothing too detailed. We can move further when your fiancé is here as well, to make sure your ideas align and stuff. Sounds okay?”

Humming in approval, you watch him click around for a bit, opening some documents, while also twirling his pen in his other hand, the movement of it through his fingers fascinating you. The steady motions of the blue plastic of the pen catch your eye and make you zone out for a few seconds, completely making you forget about the task at hand and clearing your head out.

“So, anything you have in mind?” Mark perks up your attention again, making you swiftly take your eyes off the pen in his hand and instead look into his eyes again, finding yourself having a hard time maintaining eye contact with his deep brown eyes.

“I- I…” you stumble over your words, trailing off as you get lost in your thoughts. Wondering what your ideal wedding should look like, you chew on your bottom lip and try to imagine the day playing out right in front of your eyes. Your imagination tends to be crazy and wild, completely vivid, but for some reason, in this moment, you can’t seem to see the scene materialize in front of your eyes no matter how hard you try, all moments of it in your brain turning out blurry and hazy, making you sigh in frustration.

What do you even want your wedding to look like? How do you want it to play out? The questions run through your brain in a rush, not letting you focus and come up with answers, making the man in front of you silently clear his throat to get your attention.

Noticing that you’re probably wasting his time with this, your cheeks feel hot as you point your eyes towards your shoes, sighing. “I’m- I’m sorry. I think… I… I don’t- I don’t really think I have an idea of how the wedding is supposed to look like?” you mumble out, sounding more like a question than a firm answer.

“I see,” Mark answers, nodding in acknowledgement, “you have all the time you need, don’t worry. We’re here to make it perfect,” he says, smiling at you.

Chewing on the inside of your cheek, you realize you’ve never really fantasized about your wedding. You remember all your classmates at school sighing and gasping about the idea of a big wedding, marrying the love of their life; but you surely don’t remember ever engaging in those conversations. It’s like you never really cared to get married, you never really wondered how it would feel to kiss your loved one at the altar, you never really thought of it as a big deal. And now, when the day is supposed to come that those imaginations are to come true, you find yourself torn and confused, because how do you even chase a dream that was never there in the first place? How do you fulfill expectations you don’t have?

“To be honest, I have no idea about what I want, I just- I kind of know what Jeno would want, so I suppose I can just follow that, but- but I never really…” you trail off, seeing Mark nod and bite on his lower lip.

“Uhm,” he hums in understatement, “I see. Maybe… maybe you can look through some catalogs and see what you like the best? I understand that you know what your fiancés' imaginations are, but I also want both of the parties to like the big day, so I need your input as well.”

Gulping, you hurriedly nod, sweaty palms reaching over to the magazines on the desk, desperately flipping through the pages and pointing your gaze towards the pictures, trying hard to admire the big ceremonies, the pink and red decorations, the flower crowns and red carpets on the beach; but once again failing, noticing that this is nothing close to what you imagine when you think of what’s supposed to be the happiest day of your whole entire life.

The pages of the catalog stick together, making you desperately try to peel them off of each other with your clammy fingers, your breathing getting quicker as you notice the eyes of Mark Lee on your figure, watching over your every move.

This is not at all how you imagined the appointment to go. You’re only wasting his time and embarrassing yourself– there’s no way you’re ever going back.

“Hey, I’ll send you this quiz, okay? It’s like a- like a little questionnaire where you pick and choose what you like and answer some simple questions and then it gives you a rough idea of what your wedding could look like based on these answers,” Mark says, making you halt in your motion, “I know this is probably a lot of pressure on you right now, since the whole process could be scary and stressful and you’re out here all alone, so don’t worry about not giving me an answer today, alright?”

You find yourself nodding, averting the hands off the pages of the catalog and pressing your body further into the chair. “Alright.”

“And you can also take some of these catalogs home and look through them, mark what you like, take notes in them… whatever you want, okay? And the next time you come with Mr Lee, you can tell me what you both like and we’ll work from that.”

Following his lead in the conversation, you nod again and watch him close the catalog you’ve been frantically searching through for the last few minutes, stacking some more on top of it and pushing the pile towards you so you can take it home.

“Tell me your number so I can text you the link to the test and the next time you come, it will be easier, I promise.”

“Okay,” you nod, desperately trying to take your attention off the fact that you probably look like a little child, following each instruction that’s been given to you, too scared to take a move.

Paying your goodbye to the wedding planner and taking the pile of catalogs back to your car, your heels meeting the ground resonating all through the empty hallway as you walk out of the building, your mind flashes with the thought that Mark Lee already had your email address and he could’ve just sent you the link there.

Sitting in the silent car for a minute before you drive off, you try to battle the memory of what happened just a few minutes prior out of your head.

Fixing up your lipstick in the mirror of Jeno’s car, you get ready to enter the premises of the wedding salon once again, but this time, with your fiancé by your side. You suppose that the last meeting was completely useless- Jeno told you so as well, and you agree, in a way– but if you wouldn’t have gone to that first meeting, you think that the second one would make you even more nervous.

You see, it’s easier to pretend that you know what you want when you’ve rehearsed what you want to say beforehand. Taking the quiz Mark Lee sent you, and also a couple of more, accompanying yourself with catalogs, magazines and Pinterest boards while your fiancé was at work, you tried hard to come up with something you wouldn’t hate as much.

Maybe you just don’t like the idea of a wedding. That doesn’t mean you should crush your fiancés dreams to the ground and make the whole thing more difficult than it should be. You’ll just go along with it, get married, and then, you don’t have to worry about it anymore. It's as simple as that– you’re good at compromising, after all.

“Ready?” Jeno asks you as you put the cap of the lipstick you’ve been using back on, shooting you a quick look before you nod and open the door of the car, climbing out of the vehicle.

Following Jeno’s footsteps, so confident and easy it almost makes you feel like he’s been here before, you reach the entrance of the wedding salon in no time. You texted Mark about the time of the next meeting a week ago– you figured it’s easier to communicate like this, instead of emailing each other back and forth. Finding a time when it would be fine with both Jeno and you, and also looking for a free time in Mark’s schedule was quite difficult, but you managed to find a spot on a Thursday afternoon.

You hoped the day would come slower than it did, but as we all know, life doesn’t work like we want it to all the time.

Hearing the ring of the bell above the door, your wedding planner is already waiting for you at the computer, a welcoming smile adoring his features. You find yourself smiling back at him, easing into the situation. The man in front of you is wearing black jeans and a white button-down, opting to a more professional look, as he shakes his hand with your fiancé and introduces himself.

“Hello!” Mark smiles, sitting down at the stool, pointing his eyes towards the computer and clicking around for a bit, seemingly opening some document where he can note down everything you two tell him about the vision you have for your wedding. “So, as I already mentioned with Y/N the last time, I’d like to hear some brainstorming from both of you right now, just to see the general idea that we can build off of next. Sounds good?”

Jeno offers him a nice smile, the one where his eyes crinkle up into moon crescents, turning into the adorable samoyed you fell in love with in university. Reaching for his hand, you try to calm yourself down by playing with his fingers– an action you always used to practice whenever you were nervous about something– ready to continue with the planning of your wedding.

“Sounds great,” Jeno agrees, making Mark nod at his answer, glad with the reply he got. Resting his back against the chair, the man in charge of your wedding looks at you with expecting eyes, ready to hear your answers.

“So, what comes into your mind when you think of your wedding?” Mark asks.

Jeno looks at you for a split second, smiling, as if he was waiting for you to go first and say your ideas. When you don’t comply and stay silent instead, he wastes no time in turning to the other man in the room, talking enthusiastically about what’s going to be the most important day of his life, making you stare at him in examination and interest.

“I think of something romantic. I like grand gestures and big things, so I want our wedding to be one big party where everyone has fun and stays up the whole night,” he starts, making you hum. You knew that Jeno was into these kinds of things– he never missed a chance to celebrate anything with his friends Doyoung and Renjun. Even the way he proposed to you was a grand gesture in itself.

The whole thing played out on your vacation in Spain. You like Spain– the architecture, nature and the sea. Everything about it is your ideal vacation spot, a spot that makes you relax and reset after the whole year. Your first vacation with Jeno was in Spain, and so to be proposed to in the same spot you two walked across together a little over 4 years ago was only fitting and romantic. The beach spot you two found together when you graduated from university was decorated with flower petals and fairy lights, making you wonder how and when your dear partner managed to set all of this up, and when he kneeled down and asked you to marry him, you didn’t have it in you to say no.

Not that you wanted to say no, of course. You’re in love with Lee Jeno– you somehow think that you always have been and also you always will. Marriage is a big step, though, so you think that the status itself was what made you halt and hesitate for a split second before you replied a teary-eyed “Yes” and kissed your boyfriend with fondness and urgency.

“Alright, sounds good. When you close your eyes and imagine the day, what do you see? Anything specific?”

Jeno hums, even closing his eyes and thinking deeply, before he replies with a grin. “I see people dancing. I also think I’d like it to be in a big venue, a lot of white and pink… something similar to what you have going on right here, to be honest,” he says.

“Great. Y/N?”

Raising your brows up, startled, you point your look to Mark and realize he wants you to answer his question as well. A wedding is a thing for two– at least– so it’s only normal for him to expect you to have some opinion and idea of what you want.

“I… I’d like it to be something small and comfy? With my closest friends, and stuff. I don’t mind it being decorated simply, since… I’m not really that about flowers and… all that romance stuff…” you say honestly, making sure the rehearsed sentences you made up in your mind on your way here sound gullible.

It’s not that you’re lying– you just, frankly speaking, still don’t think you love the idea of a wedding. What you’ve said is just a thing you know you’d hate the least.

Mark looks at you with an examining look, furrowing his eyebrows as he nods and notes down everything both of you have said into the computer.

“That’s… your opinions are completely opposite, to be honest, but I’m sure we can find a compromise and create something both of you would like. I’ll show you some catalogs and you can both point to things you’d like, okay?” Mark says, rummaging through the drawers of his desk and offering you some magazines, almost identical to the ones you have at home from the last time you visited.

Seeing Jeno taking charge and flipping through the pages with much excitement, you watch his profile when he smiles and points to pictures of greatly decorated wedding halls, churches, tables full of cakes and a picture of the groom and the bride photographed together in a dramatic posture, dipped down and kissing. Flower petals, sparkles and fairy lights everywhere– this is the image of a wedding your fiancé would love, and you’re aware of the fact all too well.

“Isn’t this great, love?” he asks, not even tearing his eyes off the page he’s currently looking at, too busy with studying all the details, already imagining the two of you in the moment captured on one of the pictures in the catalog.

Eyes glazing over the glossy page, you bite down on your lower lip, sighing.

Again, you don’t find it in you to disagree. He looks so excited and you wouldn’t want to break his heart with your decision.

So instead, you only nod and try to put on your best excited tone. “It looks amazing, Jeno.”

Your eyes meet Mark’s for a moment.

The look is full of stern sympathy.

ONE SUFFOCATING LOVER ONE FOOL IN A WEDDING GOWN

The next part of your wedding planning journey is perhaps the one you, as the bride, should find the most exciting. How you’re gonna look on your big day is truly important, since you can only imagine full instagram stories of the wedding of every single guest invited, and also, the pictures you take on your wedding are what’s shown around to next generations, making your kids look at the moments captured in time, making them see the blueprint of what’s love supposed to look like while also simultaneously reminiscing of the feelings that died down over the years, simmered and a little washed-out into gray.

Maybe the last thing is what is making you despise the idea of marrying someone so much. What if, after many many years, when you’re at the end of your journey, the pictures would bring more pain than joy? What if it’s a painful reminder of something great that you no longer have in your grasp?

You don’t know what’s making you feel so conflicted about the whole thing. Thinking about it is scary, but the underlying stress of everything is still present and makes you constantly feel like you’re walking on eggshells, bound to mess something up.

Standing in another wedding salon, joined by your closest friend Seori– because you despise the idea of a big group of screaming women joining you on your journey of your own remake of Say yes to the dress– and your wedding planner Mark, you wait for inspiration to kick you and set you off to hunting down the perfect wedding dress.

“Hello, hello,” a man– lean in posture, wearing dress pants and loafers– joins your little group, a bright smile sitting on his face as he speaks to you, “I’m Na Jaemin, nice to meet you!”

Bowing to the man in formality and shaking his hand, introducing both yourself and your best friend of many years, you grow hesitant in your place. Eyes roaming around the room– walls painted a light peach color, creating a beautiful contrast with the white dresses hung all around the room– you take a deep breath in and out, taking a glimpse of Mark Lee standing by your side and saying something to you.

“This is where we usually go with our brides to pick out dresses, since Jaemin here has the most amazing assortment of all kinds and styles,” Mark explains, making you notice that the two men seem rather close. As you nod and walk around the salon with Seori, they catch up for a minute before the one with blonde hair walks up to you with a bright smile.

“Do you have any preferences about the dress? Any image in your head?” he asks, making you startled. This is not the first time you’ve heard someone ask you about your preferences for the wedding, yet, the question always surprises you and catches you off guard. Usually, you’d consider yourself a woman with strong opinions that’s not afraid to voice them– you’ve gotten into multiple arguments about feminism over your university years– but suddenly, you feel weak and disheartened, shrugging.

“I’ve looked on Pinterest the last night… and the last couple of nights, actually,” you softly laugh, trying to ease yourself into the conversation, “I found more styles that I liked, but I’m not sure if they would fit me well.”

“That’s what we’re here for!” Jaemin encourages you. “Just pick up whatever you like and we’ll help you try it on! Any adjustments needed will be done here, so don’t stress about it.”

Gratefully smiling and nodding at the man, you turn to the rack full of pearl white and shades of cream, your hands start working before your brain does, moving the hangers around and taking a look at all of the dresses available, taking your time. You’re not quite sure what would look good on you, not really able to imagine the dresses on your figure, and you feel the mental block of not being excited enough about all of this holding you back and tying you down.

“What about these?” Seori asks, an excited glint in her voice. Turning around to her, seeing the dress she’s picked out, you can’t help but giggle, since the dress is awfully similar to the obnoxious gown you wore to your senior prom, just in white.

“You’re unbelievable,” you laugh, coming up to her and taking the hanger into your hands, “one look and I’m back in high school,” you say, shaking your head in disbelief and hanging the dress back onto the rack, giving up on that option already.

“I still remember how funny you looked,” Seori laughs, poking fun at you, “I can’t believe you wore that.”

“I can’t believe you let me wear that!” you argue back. The memories of your senior prom hit you with a sense of weird nostalgia. It was all so easy back then– you went with Jeno, and you had a lot of fun together. It felt like an end of an era, and it truly was just that, even though the reality of it didn’t click for you back then. You’ve lived through multiple stages of your life with Jeno, and to think you’re going to be with him until the end of your life, seems oddly unbelievable on your insides.

“You were unstoppable, girl,” Seori grins, shaking her head. Continuing to look through the dresses, you pick out a few that you like, hesitantly moving them to the separate rack that’s emptied out for your options. Catching a glimpse of Mark sitting at one of the sofas, alongside with Jaemin, your eyes meet as he offers you a warm smile. This works as a reassurance, making you walk back to the dresses, standing next to Seori, seeing her pick up another white gown, showing it to you.

The dress is long and lacy, decorated with mesh on the shoulders, flowery details scattered all along the skirt. You can’t help but find the dress a little obnoxious, a little too much, perhaps, yet, you’d still call the piece of clothing beautiful, for you can see the appeal of a princessy look for most women your age. Hesitantly scanning over the many details, Seori speaks up to you.

“Jeno would love this on you.”

Meeting her eyes, she looks at you warmly. She’s known Jeno for as long as you have, all of you being friends since high school, so you can’t say she wouldn’t know. Because, frankly speaking, it’s true– Jeno would love that dress, and he would love it on you. It fits the image of his ideal wedding perfectly, with all the romanticness, all the grand gestures matching with the long skirt and the girly detailing across the neckline. You hate the dress, you feel sick as you’re looking at it, it makes you feel claustrophobic and dizzy, yet, the words that came out of Seori’s mouth resonate in your head over and over, making you pick up the hanger and move it to the rest of your options.

Jeno would love that dress.

“I… I think I have enough options now, I’m gonna try some on,” you say, smiling at the men sitting on the sofa, being met with eager nods of acknowledgement. The two of them seem to talk like old friends, and you can’t help but wonder why Jeno doesn’t meet up with his friends anymore and why he no longer has time for anything other than work. You’d like to see him like this– immersed into a conversation, yet, still playful and happy to just… exist.

Seori helps you into the dresses behind the curtain of the dressing room. The first few of them are a miss, you don’t like the way they look on you and the way some dresses enhance the features you dislike on yourself, saying no to them almost instantly. You don’t know how long it takes for you to get through all the dresses; it feels like infinity, like the time’s stopped and you’re stuck in this loop forever, when only two dresses are left: the one Seori picked out and your own, personal favorite.

Choosing the one Jeno would love the most, you wear it and hear Seori squeal out with excitement. “This looks so good on you! Oh my god!”

Looking at yourself in the mirror, you look like the woman Jeno would want to marry. Like a cut-out from the wedding magazines he likes to look through on his free days, you spin around like a princess, fitting the image of Jeno’s ideal wedding almost perfectly– with all the flowery details and romantic style.

“Do you like it?”

Chewing on the inside of your cheek, you shrug. You must seem unsure– but on the inside, you are screaming. The claustrophobic feeling settles into your chest again, making you feel like you’re suffocating on the inside, making you desire to rip the gown off and never see it again.

“Let’s show them!” Seori says, opening up the curtain and making you step outside of the dressing room, turning you in your place so you twirl like a Disney princess. “Doesn’t she look magical?”

Jaemin instantly nods, a happy glint in his eye. You wonder if he likes his job so much– he certainly looks like it, from the never-disappearing smile on his face and the enthusiasm he walks around the place with. You’re quite jealous of him. He seems like the perfect image of what you’ve dreamt of being when you graduated university– a person with their life together, loving their stable job and starting a family. Yet, you’re here– seemingly put together in a wedding dress that makes you panic, the eyes of everyone on you feeling judging, not sure of what to do and to which direction to step towards to finally get yourself together.

“She looks amazing!” you hear Jaemin say, making you nod with tight lips. “Is this your favorite one?” he asks.

Opening your mouth to agree– even though it’s a lie– you blink a few times to calm yourself down. The mental image of your favorite dress still waiting at the empty rack, waiting to be tried on, burns in the back of your brain, but you’ve said goodbye to it the moment you dressed up as Jeno’s bride.

“It can’t be,” Mark says, making you look at him with glossy eyes, confused.

“B-but-”

“You have one more to try on. You’ll see which one you like better after, okay?” he says, almost as if he was reading your mind, seeing the hesitance you tried so hard to hide.

Nodding, you step inside the dressing room again, changing the dress for the one you picked out with the help of your best friend. Taking a glimpse of yourself in the mirror, your eyes almost start to water, the A-line of the skirt and the simplicity of it all making you feel the best, like you could actually imagine yourself getting married, if you were wearing this gown. Turning around in your place, admiring the silk fabric, you don’t think you could ever find a better one.

Yet, the other dress still sits in the back of your mind like a bad memory, not letting you leave without it. It’s there, pettily kicking it’s foot against the flooring of your brain, bringing you headache and making you nervous as your clammy fingers move your hair away when you step outside of the room, ready to be criticized by the other people at the salon.

Eyes shaking, they find solace in the features of your wedding planner, his eyes like big pools of honey when he softly traces over the lines of your body, his lips parted agape. The expression makes you shy away from his gaze, heat rising to your face when you notice light pink dusting the man’s cheeks, quickly breaking his gaze from you.

“You look beautiful,” he mumbles, clearing his throat. The compliment should sound more casual than it has, the three words making your hands shake as you turn back to the mirror, forcing yourself to watch your surroundings through it instead, shielding yourself from the situation.

“Thank you,” you say.

“So, which one do you like more?” Jaemin asks, walking up to you and tightening the dress around your waist, showing you its full potential.

Locking eyes with Seori, you see that she’s not up to the simplicity of the dress you’ve got on. You see the suggesting look to the other dress, the one that makes you drown in despair, the one that you should be wearing, logically; the one that Jeno would love to see you in, the one you should be wearing to be his wife.

Pupils shaking as you take your reflection in for the last time, you’re ready to say goodbye. You’re ready to take the dress off and force yourself to forget about it, force yourself to never think of how pretty you thought you looked wearing it, force yourself to never see the image of you in your brain– to not cause yourself the bittersweet feeling you’ve been getting used to recently.

“Y/N, you should… You should only think about yourself right now, okay? Our opinions don’t matter,” Mark says from behind you, your eyes locking in the mirror. He uses the word ‘our’, suggesting that you shouldn’t think about the people in this room, that you shouldn’t think about what Seori, Jaemin, or Mark himself thinks, but somehow, you feel as if the words had a deeper meaning.

Perhaps he’s telling you to forget about Jeno’s opinion for a minute. To truly let yourself get lost in the planning of the wedding, to let go of the opinion that’s weighing you down the most of them all. To pick the dress you like, and not the one your fiancé would.

“This is the only part of the wedding that’s completely up to you, after all. Maybe you should take advantage of that,” Mark completes, sending an encouraging smile towards your figure.

And he’s right. You can’t be fully in charge anywhere else– almost to the point of feeling like your opinion doesn’t matter if it’s not the same as your fiancé’s– and maybe, that’s what’s making you feel so restricted in the whole process.

Maybe you should take your favorite dress. Maybe you should do at least one thing for yourself.

The trips to Mark Lee’s wedding salon are a usual thing now. It’s your first time planning a wedding for yourself, and while you also truly hope it’s also the last time, you can’t help but feel a little weirded out at the ordinariness of it all. You get used to the trips to the salon, you get used to the time it takes you to drive there in your small car– letting you time the songs in your playlist almost perfectly until the last moment when you park and turn the engine off– only when you’re driving there alone, though, because Jeno likes to pick the music when he drives and compromise is one thing you two can’t do when it comes to a playlist. It’s okay, though. You drive to the wedding salon more times alone than with your fiancé, and while it’s unusual and you’d really want him to be there, you guess you can’t really do anything about it now. It’s not like he was the one to ask you to marry him, after all…

“What about the honeymoon?” Mark asks one day, looking at you from under his eyelashes. The weather outside is cold and he’s wearing a thick hoodie, his whole outfit looking twice as cozy as your little thin jacket that you threw on yourself quickly before leaving the house. The image of his sweater paws makes you wonder how it would feel to be in the soft material of his light gray hoodie, making you almost slap yourself when you're caught on your own with the thought in your brain. It’s not like you’re thinking of another man when you’re on your way to get married, that’s not it– it’s just the simple jealousy of the warmth Mark radiates that’s gotten you to this point.

Shrugging, you glance at him, meeting his chocolate eyes. “I bet Jeno would love to go somewhere to the sea. We got engaged on a beach, so I guess that’s the right way to go.”

Scribbling on the notebook that’s sitting on his table– you wonder when he switched from his laptop to written notes; maybe it’s the power crisis– he hums before he turns back to you with an examining look. “And you?”

After working for you for a couple of weeks, the man should already know that it’s no good to ask for your opinion when it comes to your wedding. You don’t really have an image in your mind, and when you do, there’s no use in pushing through with your view, since Jeno’s would always be stronger, and what Jeno says, usually goes. And you love him– he’s the one dreaming so much about marriage. So you do what he wants, naturally.

“I don’t know,” you mumble.

Earning yourself a sigh from Mark, you almost laugh at his annoyed look. “How many times do I have to tell you that you need to tell me something I can work with, Y/N?” he asks.

After so many days spent at the wedding salon with Mark Lee, you two have come to a state of a casual friendship. It’s not all so formal and stern anymore, leaving you two space for jokes and snarky comments about cliche decorations shown on the shiny pages of magazines, making you two comfortable with each other enough to joke about looking dead when the other one is tired and telling each other about your days when you have time. Ever since you two have met, you’ve been the most indecisive person Mark Lee’s ever known– and he’s met a lot of people in his profession of a wedding planner so far. The only thing you’ve ever had a straight opinion on was the wedding dress.

He can’t get the picture of you in your dress out of his mind. Sure, he’s seen a lot of brides before, the image not really impacting him as much anymore as before– for the look on the bride’s faces never failed to make him emotional with the premise of the fact that he’s a part of something beautiful. He’s seen a lot of brides and weddings before, but in the white lights of the bright salon, he couldn’t help but think that you’ve been the most beautiful one so far, and he can’t seem to imagine anyone ever beating you. It’s a silly thought– one that he finds himself battling more times than he should, but it’s still there, in the back of his mind, whenever you two meet eyes.

That’s why he couldn’t let you choose the dress Jeno wanted. Not because he would be selfish– at least he desperately hopes he’s not selfish for wanting to see you in that dress again, at least once, at the wedding– but because he knows that you wouldn’t feel like yourself in the other one. And why would he let that happen, when he’s practically the one in charge of the whole ceremony?

And so, the fact that you say you don’t know what you’d like for your honeymoon doesn’t surprise him. But still, he wishes you could let yourself get more in tune with your opinions than Lee Jeno’s. At least when he’s not present…

“I know, I know,” you roll your eyes at the scolding manner, “but I just… I’ve never thought about it before, I guess?”

“That makes sense, I mean, it’s your first time getting married,” he shrugs, “but you must have a place you’d like to see one day, no? A place both of you, with Jeno, would love to travel to one day,” he says, looking at you with expectations in his orbs.

Lost, shrugging at his question, you almost look full of despair and confusion. Truth be told, planning a wedding is not as relaxing as one would think. There’s many things to take in mind, a lot of things that can go wrong and need to be taken care of. And you keep telling yourself that it’s going to be alright and that it has to be the most perfect day of your life, but you just can’t seem but to be a little stranded, especially in moments when Jeno isn’t by your side; when he’s the one that should be in charge, and not you.

Maybe Mark can read your mind. Or maybe, he’s just too good at reading people.

“Okay, relax,” he smiles, nudging your leg a little under the table, “then just… think about what you’d like to see. Your dream holiday destination. A place you always wanted to visit. Don’t think about the honeymoon thing or the wedding, if that helps.”

The grateful smile on your face is like a reward for the man, your eyes close a little as you lean back in the chair and think of the place you’d love to see the most. Not held by the grudges of the wedding, not holding on to the thought of a honeymoon, you find it easier to see the place right in front of your eyes, to focus on the noise of the destination, the crowded town centers and amazing architecture; you find it easier to be in tune with what you want, letting go of the thing you always force yourself to say.

“I’d love to go to France. Paris. I- I know they say it’s dirty, but frankly, I just want to see it with my own eyes at least once. And I think it’s quite romantic,” you say, opening your eyes to see the man in front of you glancing at you with a soft smile playing with his features, feeling yourself getting shy as your cheeks heaten up at the words you’ve just uttered out of your lips, “oh god, this might just be the cheesiest thing I’ve ever said out loud.”

Mark chuckles, shaking his head at you. “It’s a nice change.”

Scratching the back of your neck, you watch as the man scribbles down the word ‘Paris’ into his notebook, the lack of eye contact leaving you with your walls down and your soul in open. “But I don’t think- I don’t think Jeno would like to go to Paris. I’ll think of something else, so it fits…”

Looking back up at you, the shame mirroring in your eyes when he examines your whole figure, he lets himself shake his head in disbelief, showing you his true opinion on the comment. “I think you should compromise, you know.”

“Yeah, that’s what I just said.”

“That’s not a compromise, Y/N,” he says, his voice considerate, “that’s just… you compromising. Not Jeno. Never Jeno.”

And while you’d like to tell him that that’s how it’s supposed to be, because you already agreed to the wedding despite not making your mind yet, while you’d like to tell him that you owe it to him for not being fond of the idea, while you’d like to tell him that what Jeno says goes, because you can’t imagine yourself breaking his heart with telling him that this is not at all what you want– you stay quiet. Shrugging, you avert your gaze to the ground.

“I’m fine with that. I’m more than happy to comply, if he’s happy.”

TWO PEOPLE UNDER BEDSHEETS, ONE WALLOWING IN DEFEAT

Swirling the maroon liquid around in your tall glass, feet dressed in warm socks as you’re twisted into a blanket burrito, you overlook the figure of your fiancé sitting at your small couch, papers sprawled all around the coffee table. Taking a sip of the red wine, you feel comfortable for the first time in weeks– you don’t feel rushed, you don’t feel like there’s a burden on your shoulders– and you pray hard that it’s not just the effect of alcohol.

“Can you pass me that paper?” you ask Jeno, seeing him turn around with his half-wet hair, having just come out of the shower after work, his slight smile putting you at ease.

“Which one?”

“The list of guests. The one in the corner,” you point to the paper sitting at the coffee table, the contents of it another important step closer to your wedding. Mark advised you two to compile a list of all the people you want to invite to your wedding, so you know how big of a venue you’ll need to rent out. You complied to his request, sitting at your table one afternoon and scribbling down names of all the people you’d miss at your wedding, having the list not being that long– there was around 15 people, including your family, and you knew damn well that some of the people in your list will overlay with Jeno’s, for you have a couple of mutual friends.

“Oh,” he nods, passing you the list, “want to go over it? I did mine a while back, when you were at work,” he adds, making you nod.

“Sure.”

“Are you inviting girls from university?” he asked, looking at you from under his eyelashes. He knew some of your friends from uni, and while you could very well imagine your wedding full of people that you barely knew, it’s not something you strive for. Your wedding, at least in your head, is supposed to be a little safe haven– a place where you dance around and have fun, a place where you know each face that shows up, being able to let loose and enjoy the evening with your closest friends. So, to Jeno’s question, you shake your head in disagreement.

“Only a couple,” you say, “my roommates, yes. The other ones, I don’t really need there.”

“Oh,” he mumbles, squinting his eyelashes. In the midst of the scattered sheets of paper on the coffee table, he finds his own list, full of lazy scribbles in black ink. You can tell he took the paper you keep in the kitchen for when you need to write down a shopping list, because it’s a little greasy at the bottom. Looking over the names he’s written down, you notice that his list is significantly longer than yours, and you can also tell that some names, you barely even recognise.

“You want that many people to attend?” you ask.

“Yeah,” he shrugs, “I want them all there. Besides, my family’s big, so I can’t really make the list shorter, if that’s what you’re implying,” he notes, taking you off-guard with the sudden protest to something you haven’t even started talking about yet.

“I-I wasn’t saying that, but I think we could… go through your list and maybe forget about some people? I mean, my list is only 15 people long, and if we go through with what you have, we’d have to rent a big venue, and I can only imagine how expensive that will be…” you mumble, trying hard to pursue him.

There’s a shadow of an encouraging smile somewhere in the back of your head, a soft memory of a voice telling you that you two should compromise– you bet it’s Mark Lee, but you won’t admit that to anyone. Something about his words on your last meeting struck with you, though, and even though you would love to comply to everything Jeno wants, because he’s the one in desire of a wedding, you find yourself protesting to his idea, because, frankly, maybe you do not want to spend that much money on a venue, and also, maybe because you wanted your wedding to be small and intimate.

“I don’t care how much it costs, Y/N,” he shrugs, “it’s our wedding. We can spend some money on the special day.”

Sighing, you chew on the inside of your cheek. “I just thought we could have a smaller wedding, you know. I always wanted it to be filled with people I know, people I can’t imagine the day go by without, so I was very cautious with the choice of my guests-”

“And I wasn’t?” he cuts you off, suddenly all defensive.

“That’s not what I said, Jeno-”

“Look, I don’t want to cut anyone off the list. You have your own guest list and I have mine. We rent a venue that can fit both, okay?” he insists, making you finally snap, annoyance for the first time slipping off your tongue.

“Why can’t we just compromise on this?”

The man looks at you with cold eyes, something you never imagined to see from a man you’re in love with. Sure, you’ve had arguments before. Yes, they scared you a little each time, but they weren’t anything you weren’t sure you wouldn’t get through. You and Jeno argue over small, blatant things, things you can fix in a second– nothing to make you worry. This time, though, there’s a hit in your stomach that makes you freeze in your movements, halt in your step. Maybe you’ve hit a weak spot in him. Maybe you shouldn’t have said that.

“Do whatever you want,” he says, full of frustration as he throws the paper onto the table and storms off, closing the door behind him as he walks off to the bedroom, ready to sleep.

Is this how your dialogue was supposed to go? With you stating your needs, and him telling you to get over it? Do whatever you want?

You scoff. As if you wanted to get married in the first place…

Drinking the rest of the glass, you shuffle further down into the sofa, trying hard to make yourself fall asleep in the living room, despite your thoughts running around like they’re on a marathon. The warmth that radiated off the man and the whole situation is now long gone, leaving you feeling like an unlit fireplace, hugging yourself as if to shield your body from the impact of the silent sobs that dare to cut out of your throat.

What Jeno wants, goes. How silly of you to think you can compromise.

Sometimes, you wonder if you’re just not holding on to something that’s slowly burning out. Looking at your fiancé in the wedding salon right now, his side profile so perfect you’ve gotten used to it over the years, you reminisce about the memories you two have made together during your early stages of the relationship. The images flash through your brain in a feeling of bittersweet nostalgia, making you desire a time of life that’s no longer here, because you’re getting older and settling down. It’s not like you can feel free forever, you just don’t feel like you’re free in the relationship anymore– and truth be told, you were free and in love in all those moments you think of with a soft smile, so why is the essence of it no longer there? Is it really just because the thought of marrying someone is so deeply terrifying to you, or is there something more to it?

“Do you like these?” Jeno asks, holding up a wedding invitation to you. It’s snow white and the corners are rimmed with a rose gold color, everything falling perfectly with the decorations and the whole theme of your wedding.

“I do,” you nod.

You don’t.

Everything about the whole day, the closer it is, the more scary it truly feels to you. You can’t bring yourself to think of it, to imagine it, to have the promise of staying with Lee Jeno until the rest of your life right there in front of you eyes, and it all makes you wonder– truly, deeply reflect on yourself– as to why you don’t want that, and why you’re so scared of staying with him forever, when in theory, he’s the one you love and the one you should want to marry.

“And what about these ones?”

“They’re pretty,” you reply, not meeting his eyes.

You wonder if this is just the aftertaste of the fight you had about the number of guests. Maybe you just don’t feel in tune with it because neither of you has acknowledged the argument yet, maybe because you feel bitter because you felt like your opinion wasn’t valid in the process. Maybe that’s what’s making you soullessly stare into nowhere, eyes trailing over the white walls and the clasped hands of your wedding planner sitting cautiously right opposite of you– maybe that’s what’s making you agree to everything Jeno likes; because your opinion will never matter in the first place.

But that’s okay. That’s your fate now– that’s what you signed up for, after all. You agreed to marry him. You told him yes, even though the reply wasn’t clear in your head, you said you’d love to spend your forever with him, even though the feelings battling inside of you were so conflicting, yet the one you were leaving more towards was the urge to run away. So now, you have to face it; you have to marry him, because you lied to him about your emotions, because you let him down with a promise you never wanted to keep; because you can’t face the reality of breaking the man’s heart when all he did was love you deeply.

And it’s not even that you don’t love him anymore. Maybe you just hate the idea of your relationship feeling ordinary. Maybe you’re selfishly just bored.

“So, which ones do you prefer?” Jeno asks, looking at you with big eyes. If you stare into them for long enough, you could even see a hint of him trying to do better– asking for your opinion and ready to respect it, a hint of him saying sorry for the things he’d said without words, laying the opportunity of being in charge to you again.

Shrugging, you chew on the inside of your cheek. You hate both. You hate the idea of every single wedding invitation, because you don’t want a wedding, and the idea of using these little pieces of cardboard to invite numerous people to see you lying into your partner’s eyes makes you want to dig a hole and lie in it, maybe even bury yourself alive. “I like both.”

“But we need to choose one,” he insists, putting a hand to your thigh, his grip soft, yet protective and comforting. You used to love his sudden touches, the affection seeping off his fingers any time his fingertips glazed the surface of your skin. Now, you find yourself wanting to shrug the hand off, for the contact of it with your body burns, making you guilty for a mess that’s currently going on in your head, making you dizzy and confused.

“I-” you stutter, “which ones do you like?” you ask, helpless.

Eyes scanning over your figure, Jeno almost pressures you for more. He almost asks for your opinion again, wanting to see the excited glint in your eye as you look through the magazines and choose your wedding invitations, but when he finds nothing in the endless pools of your eyes, he knows to step back and leave it be, a hopeless sigh escaping his lips. “I like the first ones better.”

You could guess the answer if you were asked to.

Smiling, you nod. “I was leaning towards these as well.”

“Are you sure?”

“Totally,” you nod, trying to reassure him with a soft smile. You’re not sure if it reaches your eyes– you just know that if it doesn’t, Jeno can clearly tell.

“Okay, that’s all for today, I think,” Mark concludes, making you look at him. His chocolate orbs are plastered on your distressed face and you feel naked in front of him, you feel as if he can see right through your lies, as if he can tell that you really want to be anywhere but here right now.

“Thank you,” Jeno smiles at your wedding planner, the two of them shaking hands in a formal manner before your fiancé stands up from his chair and reaches for his coat, ready to leave the office. When your eyes meet with Mark’s, you offer him a friendly smile– the one you always have saved for him– and turn towards your coat as well, ready for your departure. Just when you’re about to leave the room, Mark’s voice echoes after you, making you halt in your movements.

“Actually, I forgot… Can I talk with Y/N alone for a sec? It’s about dresses, so… you’re not really allowed to hear, Jeno,” he says, cracking his knuckles as he utters those words, making you nod as Jeno offers him a polite nod, telling you that he’ll be waiting for you in the car outside. Once the door closes behind him and the room falls silent, you move closer towards Mark, looking at him with expecting eyes.

“What is it?” you ask.

Mark takes a deep breath in and out, shaking his head as if to get his thoughts straight, before he looks at you again with softness in his eyes, his voice barely louder than a whisper– for the contents of his speech are something that should be banned to say, especially in a setting like this. “You know you can still back away, right?”

Looking at him for a few seconds, a few seconds that feel like eternity, you blink at him in shock and surprise. “What?”

“There’s still time to say no,” he says, now looking you dead in the eyes, the expression stern, yet considerate.

His words can’t really process in your head, the whole situation making you break down your walls as you shake your head, running your hand through your hair. Scoffing in disbelief, you turn defensive– because who is Mark Lee to tell you anything about your upcoming marriage and why can he see right through you? Who gave him the right to see through your walls, through the facade you built up all those months ago; who let him make you feel utterly, completely naked in front of him, scared of what he’ll see inside?

“What are you even talking about?” you snap.

“I think you know what I mean, Y/N,” he says.

“I-” you stutter again, all words stuck inside of your throat, “why would I even want to do that? Why would I want to call it off?”

“Y/N-”

Nothing can stop the tangent that’s incoming out of your lips right now– not the soft, considerate look he gives you, not the eyes full of truth and honesty staring right inside of your soul, not the soft touch on your shoulder that you shrug off in the speed of light as your hands fly into the air in frustration. “It’s not your place to tell me to cancel my wedding, Mark, and I don’t know what’s gotten into your brain to make you think for just a second that that’s what I want to do, because- because I know that I’ve been out of it, I do know that, but I just- I just can’t do that to Jeno even if I really wanted to, you know?” you let out, tired voice echoing off the walls of the salon. “So don’t go around and tell me I can still say no, when I’ve already said yes, and don’t try to tell me that this is what I want, because I truly, deeply wish that I didn’t.”

The defeated look on your face is enough for the man to break, yet, he offers you nothing more than silence as you stare him down, wordless and empty. Breathing heavily, you turn to the door, shaking your head in disapproval of the whole thing.

Turning around one last time at the door, you try to burn Mark Lee down with your eyes, for the comfort he gives you with this new opportunity both sets you free and makes you suffocate at once, his words make your insides burn with ashes as you desperately try to breathe for fresh air– the whole thing leaves you mad and stranded, completely alone and left to lean on nobody, because the one that’s supposed to be there for you now and forever is the object of this mere conversation.

“Don’t- don’t mention this again,” you sternly say, reaching for the doorknob, feeling a stray tear falling off your cheek as you escape the pure white walls of his office.

This whole time, you didn’t even notice you’ve been crying.

Voices of the people present resonate through the half-empty venue, pearl white pillars supporting the weight of the ceiling situated in calculated places all around the spacious room as you lean on one of them, watching your fiancé walk around with your wedding planner, observing the place. There are big windows on one of the walls, the glass panels providing you with a view of the outside– a pretty, long garden filled with flowers that will wilt once the cold season is over, tall trees shielding some places from the sun, providing a relaxing shade.

Tugging your sleeves down to further cover your arms, since the place is kind of chilly, you try to catch up to the two men in the other corner of the room, both physically and in conversation. Listening to Jeno asking all about the technical stuff and how the place is going to look once decorated, Mark answers him with factual answers, showing him around and making sure the groom is 100% satisfied with his choice.

You still think you’d prefer a smaller venue– you still prefer a smaller wedding. It’s not up to you to decide, though, and you’ve given up on that opportunity a long time ago. Maybe in the same moment you said yes to him on the beach– you think that was the moment where you decided your own destiny, the moment where you tied yourself down with a metal ball on your leg, and now it’s your fate to drag it around and pretend it’s not there and that you’re not bothered by the weight.

“It seems perfect,” Jeno hums, making you automatically nod with a mechanical smile, looking around the venue once again. In Jeno’s eyes, it sure does seem perfect– it fits all the criteria of his ideal wedding, of the best day of his whole, entire life. And you can’t lie, if you really tried hard enough, you could even see the vision. You could even force yourself to enjoy the image of it in your head, you could even imagine the day going exactly by the plan, and in reality, nothing will even change, because you’ve been living with Jeno for quite a while now, but the concept just seems so scary and unnatural to you that you can’t help but feel like the reality will crash you any passing second if you don’t try hard enough to keep your guard up.

“It’s amazing,” you nod, afraid to meet any of the men’s eyes. Gathering up all the courage you have left in you, you add another convincing message. “I can almost imagine it all decorated and stuff, it’s gonna be great.”

You hear a strangled hum come out of Mark’s throat, a noise you can only decipher with it’s true emotion because you still have the conversation from a few weeks ago fresh in your brain, replaying over and over in front of your eyes as you can’t fall asleep under the blankets of your soft bed, twisting and turning in despair. If he could see it, why can’t Jeno?

There’s a hint of you that wishes oh so deeply that your fiancé, the man that knows you the best, could see right through your white lies; there’s a hint of you that desires for him to talk to you about it, to get mad and leave you for leading him on and breaking his heart.

That doesn’t come, though, and you know it never will. You're too far in now to ever look back.

A touch on your hand brings you to avert your gaze from the ground to the man next to you, the emptiness of it all breaking your heart a thousand times over and over, your heart yearning for somebody to take it and mold it back together, glue the sharp pieces back again even though they could cut them, to tell you that it’s okay and that you’re human and that people make mistakes, yours just was a way bigger one than you should’ve ever let happen. But that doesn’t come, and it may never– but it’s okay, because you are the reason for your own downfall, and you’re the reason why you now have to play pretend and suffer.

You glance up at Mark. Strangely, his eyes soften. He should hate you– for even though you pretend, he knows damn well what storm’s going on on the inside, and maybe you could say it’s only for the years of experience he has with fiancés eagerly planning their wedding that he can see you don’t share the same enthusiasm, or you two were just simply connected and in tune. Chewing harshly on your lower lip, so hard you taste the iron bitterness of your own blood on your tongue, your discomfort tries hard to show at your face and you keep battling hard to not let it slip.

It’s been years with Lee Jeno by your side. Why can’t he see your suffering?

And you keep telling yourself that maybe it’s just his own joy and enthusiasm that makes him so blind to your averted eyes and still body under his sheets. But that doesn’t help your situation; you’d argue it makes it even worse, for you don’t think you can keep going for any longer, and he’s the one pushing forward with such force. You never enjoyed the difference in power you two have. You should’ve never said yes to him in the first place.

And it’s drowning you, because it’s not even his fault. He’s done nothing wrong, but you can’t help but want to stay away, want to hide and run whenever the topic of a wedding is brought to your attention, because it’s not what you desire, even though it’s what you should want, after so many years by his side.

Mark’s voice echoes in your brain, his damn argument never leaving the walls of your head. You want to silence it, but you’re never strong enough.

It’s never too late to back away. But how could you do that to him? You shouldn’t.

You shouldn’t, and that’s why you’ll never do so, no matter how scared and panicked you feel.

You shouldn’t, because you loved him.

ONE UNREQUITED BELIEF

They say that staring into a cup of black coffee won’t make your troubles go away; nor will it make you feel at least a little better about yourself, but nonetheless, you do it on a cloudy, sad afternoon, sitting in your kitchen as you hug your knees to your chest. Hearing the steady ticking of the clock on the wall, you wonder why you can’t make the time stop– why you can’t just hide away from your problems for a little while, finding a quiet haven and listening to yourself for just a second, to see what you really need and what you should do.

But you can’t stop the time, even though you sometimes really desire for that to happen, and that leads to your fiancé eventually coming home to find you staring into the cup of now cold, black coffee, the solemn look on your face telling him perhaps more than you would’ve expect, but still not enough to fully understand.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, taking a cautious seat on the chair opposite of yours, not even bothering to put away the groceries he brought with himself on his way from work. Sensing the tense atmosphere, you take a glimpse on his face, and with the sad pools that are his eyes right now, you force yourself to swallow away the guilt and look away.

“Nothing,” you mourn, your voice weak and almost a little shameful. It makes you feel bad for him– for letting him see you like this, on your worst; but the reality of the knowledge that if you two want to really stay together forever, he has to see you like this until you die– the image of him looking at you with such scared eyes every single time, it sends shivers down your spine. You’d rather crawl out of your own skin than to experience it over and over again, the motion of it destroying you completely until there’s nothing left of you than a broken, empty shell of a human you used to be.

And Jeno, he’d fit in your skin, if he could. He’d crawl inside with you, trying to fix every piece that’s broken, trying to understand the patterns of your veins and the thoughts flowing through your head. But the truth is, that you’ve got some problem, and he doesn’t know how to deal with it. And that’s even scarier than anything he’s ever encountered before.

But he’s not stupid.

“We need to talk about the wedding, right?” he asks, and the reality comes crashing down on you. He knows– he knows, he knows, he knows; he’s aware of the storm on your inside and how the raindrops can’t seem but to wash you completely away, making you drown. And you should’ve expected it, he’s your partner, after all, but you never once in your life could’ve predicted the lost look in his eyes when you finally look up at him from the darkness of your coffee cup and offer him a hushed whisper.

“What about it?”

Offering you a tired smile, he sighs and nestles deeper into the chair. Brushing his hair out of his face, as if to prepare himself for the tough conversation, he puts his hands on the table and you watch his muscles flex when he moves to crack the knuckles of his palms in nerves, a habit you’ve noticed in him from when you first started dating back in high school.

“You’re unhappy with it,” he proclaims, not even leaving you a second to react with a disapproving ramble that he knows is coming– you always say everything’s fine when it’s not– as he proceeds with his observations, “and I know I might have been too pushy with some of my decisions, and I wasn’t being considerate enough of your opinions, but I promise you that we can change all the parts you don’t like and compromise. I’m sorry if I made you feel like you can’t have a say in it,” he says, and there’s a wallowing pit inside of your stomach, because after all,

he doesn’t get it. He doesn’t know what’s going on, he doesn’t see it in your eyes when you tiredly close them to get rid of the exhaustion, he doesn’t understand that this is not the problem, and it’s okay, because he’s not a mind reader, but to your poor, selfish self, it feels like you’ve been wronged, because who can understand you in this, if not your own fiancé, the love of your life?

“It’s okay, Jeno,” you mumble, almost automatically.

“I said I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

There’s a silence overtaking you two, the clock ticking on the wall driving you insane. You think that if you hear the piercing sound of it ever again, you might just open the kitchen window and jump out of it, but then there’s another sound, and that one makes you crawl out of your skin again, the sound of Jeno's voice making your nails scrape against your own insides as the last remains of you need to stay inside, true to themselves.

“So what’s wrong? What do we work on?” he asks, and the tone of his voice is so considerate, so gentle, it almost brings you to tears.

Because you don’t deserve to be treated like this.

Because you’re a traitor. That’s what you are, aren’t you?

“Nothing…”

“Do we change the invitations? Is it the venue?” he insists, his eyebrows furrowing with confusion as you don’t offer him any response. The silence is excruciating to him and you can clearly see, but still, it doesn’t lead you to breaking the truth to him, it doesn’t make you say the words that have been slowly dying at the tip of your tongue since the day you got engaged.

“Y/N, if you don’t tell me, we can’t fix it. Can you please talk to me and tell me what it is so we can work on it together?” he asks.

And it’s killing you.

Shaking your head, you scowl. This is not the way your script is supposed to play out. You were too careless, let him see inside, but all he saw through the crack was a glimpse of the full thing and now him aimlessly searching with a pointless game of guessing is only making it worse, and you don’t know how longer you can go without bursting apart.

“I told you it’s fine,” you insist, eyes closed as you plop your head against your palm, resting your elbow on the hard surface of your kitchen table. Your voice is barely louder than a whisper, but the impact of your words still feel like arrows with a straight goal to Jeno’s poor heart.

Another sigh leaves the man. Reaching gently for your wrist, he tries to pry your hands away from your face, but you stay put as he asks you over and over again. “If you really want to have a smaller wedding, I’ll cut down the guests. I’ll do it for you, if you want me to,” he says, and you don’t know why him fully letting go of what he wants is what makes you break– maybe it’s the fact that now that the wedding won’t be exactly to the point like his ideal, leaving the whole thing a whole fraud, an act you’re playing just to satisfy him and the others– but you do, as you cut him off with another hesitant, yet firm sentence.

“Maybe we can lower the guests… to zero.”

A heartbeat passes, and then another one. You think he can’t quite grasp the full meaning of your words, and you’re right as he opens his mouth and inquires for an explanation, his heart hammering against his chest.

“What do you mean?”

“Maybe we don’t need a wedding.”

His expression falls more, if that’s even possible, his eyes losing all their glint as he stares at you, dumbfounded. Snickering, he shakes his head. “You’re joking.”

Wetting your lips, averting your gaze from him and taking a glimpse outside of the window– the snow falling for the first time this winter making the whole situation even more idyllic, pushing you further with your final decision– you sigh and shrug, the argument already started and there’s no going back now, so you aren’t even scared of the idea of backing away anymore.

“I don’t want to get married.”

And in this moment, you almost feel like the clock got broken and the ticking stopped, or the world stopped spinning and the time halted in that exact second– either one of these, as your heart beats angrily against your ribcage, the sound of it in the veins of your ears making you drown out everything else. Lee Jeno is staring at you with eyes that slowly lose all their life, his expression growing more and more full of despair, and the image tears you apart, the little you inside wanting to break free at the sight of him completely crumbling under the impact of your words, and suddenly, you don’t know what to do as you stare him down and await his response. You don’t know how he’ll react. He could scream, he could shout– hell, he could even cry or leave you in silence, the closure never coming as you wait for him at that damned kitchen table forever. But Lee Jeno’s always been a man of words, and so, he doesn’t leave you hanging for long as he scoffs again, shaking his head in disbelief.

“You’re joking, right?”

But when the silence is his answer, he already knows he doesn’t have to keep asking.

“So you’ve just been… what? Leading me on for the last few months?” he asks, the bitterness falling off his tongue making your hands tremble, lips parting as you want to hurriedly assure him that your feelings were real, they were real until suddenly, they weren’t, and now you don’t even know where they stand and what to do with them and the confusion on your insides.

“This is unbelievable…” he says, running his hands through his hair as he stands up from the chair he’s been sitting on for the last few minutes, walking across and back through the kitchen a few times before he continues, “all those months… You’ve been just lying straight to my face? What did I even do? Why- why do you- why do you suddenly not want to-?” he rambles, and his voice slowly starts to break as you can’t seem to push any other answer out of yourself, all words stolen from your tongue as you stare at him, just waiting until the moment is over and you can let your body relax.

And it’s not his fault. It never was, but suddenly, you’re too weak to tell him, too selfish to give him the answers, too small to be the bigger person and tell him that it’s you, it’s always been you and none of this is a problem he’s created.

“Why did you say yes, then? If you never wanted to get married?” he asks, halting in his steps as he looks dead at you, waiting for your answer.

You should’ve never said yes to him. But you did. And why?

Because you were scared of this exact moment happening sooner? Maybe it would’ve hurt him less if you declined right when he asked. Maybe it could’ve been saved. But now, you’re sure you made more damage than can be fixed.

“Great. Don’t talk to me. Amazing,” he snickers, closing his eyes tightly as a stray tear comes down his cheek, the one you try hard to not notice in fear of breaking down as well, because truthfully–

now is not your time to feel bad or feel sorry. It’s not your time to cry and make it about yourself, because it’s you who messed up. It’s you who made all of this mess.

Looking at you again, and this time, it feels like the last, the question falling off his lips makes you completely shut down and build up walls around yourself, for the weight of the guilt is too heavy and you can’t seem to carry it well this time.

“Do you even love me anymore?” he asks.

Tears falling off your cheeks, your lips pressed into a thin line as you look somewhere into the unknown– anywhere but his eyes– you give him the silent answer again, and that’s enough for him to nod at you with a choked-out ‘okay’ before he disappears out of the door, the rambling through your closet being a background noise to your crying.

And relief doesn’t come even when the door shuts behind him and you don’t get up and try to stop him from leaving and the clock starts ticking in your ears again, grounding you back to reality; relief doesn’t come even when you let your sobs overtake you and your eyes tiredly fall from your coffee cup to the groceries left on the kitchen table.

Staring outside of your window, you can’t seem to find energy to even make any sound, your sore throat reminding you to take a step back and take care of yourself, just like you did mere seconds ago, finally breaking free.

On December 2nd, when the snow fell for the first time this year, you broke Lee Jeno’s heart, and you don’t think you’ll ever forgive yourself.

You decide a walk is surely gonna clear your head– at least that’s what you decide to think when you put on your winter shoes and get out of your small, silent apartment with a loud sigh, the meeting point of your errand today brightly lit in your mind as you leave the car in the parking lot and shudder in the cold.

The walk doesn’t clear your head, it makes you even more lost in your thoughts, it seems, but there’s no turning back when you’re already halfway there and you’re too lazy to get back and turn the engine of your little old car on, driving there instead. It seems like the consequences of your own actions leave you more miserable than content lately, and although you’re doing all of this for yourself, you feel like you’re unknowingly engaging in some sort of self-sabotage, and the fact that your body is frozen in the strong wind is only the tip of the iceberg of this topic.

After some time, you arrive, your nose runny from the condensation when you reach the heated interiors of the building, clearing your throat as you walk through the door of Mark Lee’s office, just like you would any other day, more often than not with your fiancé, sometimes alone. The man is currently waiting for you at his desk, his silly little journal open on the pages you know so well by now, the image hurting you to your core.

“Y/N!” he greets you, confusion mirroring on his face when he notices you being alone, since this meeting was scheduled precisely on Jeno’s day off, so both of you could attend, “why are you alone?”

Not giving him a reply, instead walking over to the chair and settling deeper into the cushion, preparing yourself to break the news to him, the curious nature of the man shines through as he asks you hushed questions, a tiny hint of bitterness in his voice unknown to you.

“Does he have work again? Did he cancel?” he asks, prepared to give out an over-exaggerated sigh if you tell him that he’s right about his assumptions, but when you just chew on your cheek and avert your gaze away from him, and instead look everywhere across the pearl white room, he senses that there’s something wrong.

“Yeah, about that…” you mumble, shrugging.

It’s now or never, you think to yourself– you went here for a reason unknown to you. Maybe you seeked comfort in the man that pushed you towards your decision, maybe you desire for someone to tell you that what you did was okay and the right thing to do. You could’ve just texted him you weren’t going to plan the wedding anymore, since there is none to happen, but you didn’t– you went here yourself, just to break the news to him face to face, expecting nothing and everything at once. It’s weird. Maybe you just, true to your fragile nature, need someone to look out for you when you feel so insanely guilty for doing something for yourself. Why that person is Mark Lee, you don’t know. Perhaps there is something that is pulling you to him, the comforting nature surrounding him being your safe haven in a time like this, making you so selfishly wish that after hearing you say it, he won’t let you down and look at you with defeat and disappointment.

“I- I called off the wedding,” you say, finally meeting his chocolate orbs with expectations, “and we sorta broke up, so I just- I just wanted to tell you that I won’t need your service anymore, but that I’m really thankful,” you add, nodding to prove your point.

The man in front of you is left startled, eyes wide as he searches for a hint of something– anything– on your face that would tell him if you’re okay and what led you to the decision, opening his mouth to talk to you about it, when you cut him off and add another thing, a sentence that breaks him and glues him together in one swift motion, leaving him speechless.

“Thank you for telling me that it was okay… to do that. And that it wasn’t late to call it off. It means the whole entire world to me, Mark, and I’ll never forget that,” you say, smiling hesitantly at the wedding planner, playing with your fingers in your lap, “I felt like I couldn’t make this decision, even though the idea of getting married to Jeno was breaking me, but your words really assured me.”

“That’s-” he stutters, clearly shocked. It’s not like he didn’t know– once again, he advised you to do so himself– but still, the reality of it is making him bewildered, true surprise raining over his face as he shakes his head to clear it, providing you with a more coherent response, “I’m- I’m glad you were able to do that. It’s- it’s so great you broke away from something you didn’t want for yourself, Y/N.”

Smiling, although a little shamefully, you avert your gaze from his intense eyes. “Thank you.”

“No, no, don’t thank me, I mean-” he rambles, his professional composure breaking for what feels like the first time, his figure looking so approachable right in this moment, “are you okay, though? It must have been hard.”

Shrugging, you wet your lips in a moment of thought. Are you okay? You’re not so sure. So instead of worrying him, you just mumble: “I will be,” with a soft nod, reassuring both yourself and everyone involved. Because, in reality, even though it’s insanely hard and the moments without your fiancé feel foreign, you feel free. You feel true to yourself, and that’s the most important thing about it all. And as long as that is preserved, you will be okay one day.

Maybe your and Jeno’s ways parted just because your ideals were different. Maybe the difference between the two was so big you couldn’t get over the height; but that’s okay. Life happened this way, and there’s not much to do about it now. Only to get used to it.

“Okay,” he says, gazing at you.

You’d like to stay longer– the truth is, this is the first time in the last few weeks that you’ve felt relaxed, content, even– and it’s hard to let go of this feeling. Mark looks at you with soft eyes, as if he was scared that a more strong look may break you, and in a moment of selfishness, you think that although this chapter of your life is over, Mark is the one you don’t want to lose out of it. You wonder if he feels the same. You want him to feel the same.

But once the moment is over and you realize your stay no longer has a meaning to it, probably just wasting Mark’s time, you nod to yourself as you stand up from your place in the chair, paying goodbye to the place you’re most likely never going to visit again. “I’ll get going, then. Once again, thanks… for everything, Mark.”

The man shoots to his feet, hesitantly walking over to you, meeting your expecting eyes. Clearing his throat, he reaches to you with wide arms, and your body moves into his hold almost automatically, selfishness hoarding over you once again as he hugs you tight into his body, perhaps with the same amount of bittersweet feeling you feel on the inside right now, the firm grip around your waist making you relax into his touch. Burrowing your nose into his neck, you forget all about Jeno for a while, the scent of Mark’s cologne overtaking your senses, everything, past and future involved, disappearing when the noisy thought in your brain keeps rambling how you need to remember the way his arms feel around your body forever, you have to imprint his scent into your brain until the end of your time, because this is your last opportunity you have to experience it.

“I’m very proud of you,” he mumbles, one of his hands running over your back and up into your hair, a protective head pat mendling your fragile, broken body into his touch.

“Don’t say that.”

“It’s true, though,” he says.

“It doesn’t- it doesn’t feel appropriate.”

And Mark understands. It feels like he’s the only one that does. And although it may feel like there’s no one but him in this world that’s on your side right now, the reality of it comforts you, because that’s enough.

Breaking away from his hold, you pay him a goodbye as you walk towards the door, not turning around as you escape the room, because you think the image of him, knowing it’s the last time you’ll see him, would break you perhaps the most.

Your journey isn’t over, though. Walking through the countless labyrinths of the town, the weather outside making your bones cold as you stride for your next destination with utter determination, you know that once you complete this task, it’s finally over. The weight of it crushes you, but you know that in a few, you’ll feel completely free, and that’s why you keep going, despite it being insanely hard.

Your eyes are met with the view of a house you know too well; the windowsills greet you with a glassy shine, the sad trees in the backyard reminding you of your university days. You’re met with Lee Jeno’s childhood home, and by the looks of his car in the driveway, you were correct about the suspicions of his whereabouts. He had nowhere else to go, after all, and although you feel a little shameful about the fact, you don’t let it get to you.

Walking over to the small gate of the land of Jeno’s parents’ house, a red post box greets you, your final destination in reach. Rummaging through your purse, you take out a white envelope containing your engagement ring, and while opening the small box, you pay goodbye to the latest chapter of your life, putting the envelope in.

Taking one last look at the house, you imagine Jeno on the driveway, and you wave at his figure with an apology on your tongue.

Maybe one day, he’ll understand you. And maybe he won’t.

You can’t be mad at him for the emotions he has every right to feel. You acknowledge that you were wrong for leading him on for so long. But still, you hope that one day, he’ll be able to forgive you.

And as if your fate wanted you to have the last bit of karma you’ve earned, it starts raining as you walk home. On any other day, you’d despite the shower, but today, you think you can get through it. You think this is your prize, and you’ll keep paying it forever, until you no longer feel the guilt of everything you’ve done.

Putting yourself first breaks hearts sometimes. But still, you think it’s worth it in the end.

Maybe one day, you’ll forgive yourself.

When your body hits the cold sheets of the bed that isn’t yours, stumbling to your designated side of the mattress, it seems, you wonder if the heater in his apartment broke again and you’re going to spend another night shivering until the tiredness doesn’t make your thoughts turn off and your eyelids get heavy with sleep. Dressed in your usual pajamas and staring out of the window, watching the stars shyly glimmer, the moon kisses your cheeks in a solemn feeling of a weird nostalgia you can’t seem to shake off no matter how hard you try. The feeling, however, is no longer as uncomfy as it was the last time. It used to make your bones itch, it used to make you try to battle the feeling, even though there was no use– it’s always been too strong and you were too weak; too tired to keep fighting.

A huff lands into your ear, a muffled sigh that makes you slightly open your eyes and still in your movements. He joined the bed just a few minutes prior to you, telling you he’ll wait for you to be done with your shower, but it seems like he fell asleep in the short time period, making you feel momentarily bad for waking him.

A strong arm slings itself over your middle, engulfing you in a tight back-hug. His body grows closer to you, shuffling himself to stick himself as close to your body as possible, a heavy breath reaches your ear. Your hand automatically reaches for his one laying on your stomach, looking over at him to see his eyes flutter open and a soft smile glazing his features. “Ready for sleep?” he asks, and with a gentle nod, you watch him get more comfy in the sheets of his bed.

Continuing to watch him, his eyes close on themselves after a short while, his eyelashes kiss his cheekbones, sharp edges of his face contrasting with his overall soft demeanor making your heart swell with the thankfulness you feel because of his proximity.

Looking back over to the window, eyes briefly catching the time glimmering on the alarm clock sitting on his bedside table, you bite down on your lips and try to battle the smile that’s dangerously trying to spread across your face. His body pressing itself into your back is warm, trying hard to provide you with a sense of home and safety. This time around, it works. It always works out with him.

A sigh cuts out of your throat.

“Everything okay?” he asks, and it makes you snicker. You’ve never felt more content and satisfied in your whole entire life, yet, he dares to ask you this question, still uncertain. Nodding, you reply to him, sureness coating your words.

“More than okay.”

Your body slowly heats up in his hold– he’s like your portable heater, after all, since he likes his bedroom to be a little colder than you prefer, he took it upon himself to always have you glued inside of his arms whenever you sleep over at his place; to not let you catch cold, he says, but you secretly just think he loves to fall asleep with you in his hold.

Just a little over a year ago, with a different man in your sheets, you weren’t able to fall asleep with the weight of your overthinking. You rethought your decision over and over again, not ready to leave yourself to get a final conclusion, even though it was always somewhere there, in the back of your brain.

Now, though, your brain is at ease, relaxing after running laps through various scenarios in your brain– your body is soundly tucked in under the soft sheets of the bed, finding a sweet haven in a person you never imagined you’d let into your life.

You no longer wake up in guilt and fear. You no longer startle awake at night, too scared to look at your fiancé on the other side of your bed; because the chapter is now behind you, the war is over.

And you learn to forgive yourself. All by Mark’s side.

If it wasn’t for the actions of your past, you would’ve never met him, after all. Everything in your life has some sort of order, and while it wasn’t a happy journey, at least you’re left with nothing but experience and comfort in your heart.

Almost like every day, much to the contrast of your state a little over a year ago, you reach out for Mark’s hand again, pressing a soft kiss to it as you move it closer to your lips. Almost like every day, while you fall asleep to the scent of his shower gel and the steady rhythm of his breathing lulling you to sweet dreams, you’re thankful for every day with him,

because he was the one that brought you peace again, taking care of you each and every day, carefully catching your heart when you let it fall freely into the unknown.

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