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mirandapriestlyswife · 10 days

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Mirandy fanfic- Apocalypse Au; Chapter 4

Hi everyone! Sorry this took so long Ive been busy :) this is mostly just fluffy filler, im hoping to make the next few chapters more angsty. Enjoy!

Prologue- https://www.tumblr.com/mirandapriestlyswife/747204446805704704/mirandy-fanfic-apocalypse-au-prologue

Chapter 1 https://www.tumblr.com/mirandapriestlyswife/747303362291286016/mirandy-apocalypse-fic-chapter-1

Chapter 2 https://www.tumblr.com/mirandapriestlyswife/747419492186996736/mirandy-fanfic-apocalypse-au-chapter-2

Chapter 3 https://www.tumblr.com/mirandapriestlyswife/747593307288403968/mirandy-fanfic-apocalypse-au-chapter-3

────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───────

Waking up with your old bosses head snuggled tight in the crook of your neck is a nice feeling, but an odd one at that. It’s what Andy has been dealing with the last 6 weeks. After that first night Miranda was quick to move all of her things to the studio apartment she resided in. The floor was practically shaking under the pressure of the dozens of suitcases Miranda had brought with her. Eventually, as she assumed, Miranda got sick of the pull out couch. Its what she expected. What she didn’t expect was for Miranda to insist they inhabit a place that required less stairs to climb.

“Maybe a nice first floor hotel room?” Andy suggested

“No room on the first floor is nice.”

“Maybe we could go to queens? See if theres any abandoned places there?”

Miranda snorted, “Queens.. Be serious, Andrea.”

“Maybe we could take a trip like I suggested?”

“No.”

“Alright..”

Miranda let out a deep sigh and a grunt, “Maybe.”

Maybe was good enough for Andy!

Over the weeks they had finally decided on a beautiful brownstone, probably abandoned by some rich upper class losers who had ditched the city to go hide in one of those bunkers upstate.. At least thats what shes assuming since Miranda made her look through every room, under every duvet cover, in every bathtub, for any corpses but none were to be found. It took the two of them what felt like hours to haul Mirandas suitcases inside (with Andy doing most of the work).

Now the two sat, with Miranda sitting at the kitchen island reading some old magazine as Andy prepared “lunch” (a combination of canned green beans, spam, and canned corn), she didn’t bother telling Miranda its spam so she’d actually eat.

“Whatcha reading?”

“Runway.”

“Really? I never would’ve guessed.” She smiled and slid Miranda her plate which Miranda looked at with only mild disgust rather than her usual “oh my God I used to have a private chef, now look at me” face. She sat down next to the editor and took a bite of the salty green beans. It was weird, having this almost domestic relationship with Miranda of all people.. I mean- they slept in the same bed for Gods sake. Andy couldn’t tell what she felt for the older woman anymore, something between love and slight fear, alike before the outbreak, but maybe with a bit less fear after sleeping in the same bed as her for nearly a month. They haven’t spotted another living person in all of New York City, it felt as Miranda said, “A waste of time” to keep looking.

“Sooo.. Anything new in Runway?”

Miranda let out a displeased grunt.

“Can you at least eat?“

Miranda visibly rolled her eyes and shut her magazine before poking at the meal.

“You slept in late today.” The editor noted aloud.

“Yeah.. Guess I was tired-“

“I was worried you died.”

Andy snorted and took a bite of her spam when she saw Miranda staring at her with her piercing blue eyes, somehow scarier in the afternoon light. “Im serious.”

Andy paused, unsure how to act. “Mira- what-?? Im not gonna just die on you!” She awkwardly sputtered out.

“Well.. Good.” The editor stared at the other woman’s facial features for a minute before turning back to her plate and continuing to poke at the food.

“Can you actually eat something? Im tired of watching you poke at your food like some snooty house cat.” She watched closely as Miranda rolled her eyes and finally took a bite of the corn with a displeased look.

“Good?”

“Its fine.”

Andy chuckled, “Thanks.. I worked all day on it.” Miranda was not amused by her attempt at humor.

The two ate in silence until Andy spoke up. “I think im gonna head out today.. Look for some more food or something.. You want anything special?” The editor rolled her eyes

“A ribeye would be lovely.”

“Sure ill add it to the list next to the lobster dinner.”

Miranda grumbled and took a bite of meat which she visibly cringed at. She sighed woefully as they ate in silence.

“I like your shoes.”

“They’re last seasons.”

“Im sure no one will notice.”

Miranda smiled. Andy found it rewarding to see the editor smile. It felt as if she was playing a constant game of try not to laugh and she was always losing, but sometimes she had a small victory.

“We should go to MoMa soon.” Miranda suggested as she pushed her half eaten food away and stood up.

“We could go today?”

“I thought you would be searching for more cans of vomit to serve us.”

Andy frowned, “Hey! Its good. You’re just too privileged to appreciate the effort that goes into-“

“Into opening a can?” Miranda smirked, she always got that smug look of satisfaction when she was right, it made Andys heart flutter.

“I don’t just ‘open a can’, I have to go search for things I’ll hope you’ll eat, touch dusty crates in the back of bodegas, its gross.” Miranda simply scoffed and turned on her heels, setting the magazine she had been reading on the slightly dusty table that displayed photos of the twins Miranda had taken with her along with two urns.

Andy never asked about the twins. She was sure Miranda didn’t want to talk about them. She sighed and scratched at her arm awkwardly as she leaned on the kitchen island.

“Well. If you must.. Scavenge, then go ahead. But I would like you back before dark.”

One thing new shed learned about Miranda Priestly was that the woman was absolutely petrified of the dark. Whenever the two went to bed the room had to be illuminated by battery powered candles just for the editor to sleep through the night. Andy might’ve found it endearing if it didn’t always put a time limit on all of her out of the house activities. She had to be home at 5:00 due to the shortened December days. Oh how she missed summer.

“Yeah. I’ll be back before dark.” She walked over to Miranda and grabbed a few of the massive grocery bags stored under the table. “Any requests before I head out?”

“Fruit. But get water with it. I dont like the sugary concoction that slathers the stuff.”

“Canned fruit, got it.” Andy sighed and to her own surprise leaned over and gave Miranda a kiss on the cheek goodbye.

Miranda froze, not looking displeased but a bit surprised as did Andy. She smiled and awkwardly said, “I’ll be back in two hours tops, okay?”

Miranda made a noise of approval and as Andrea was leaving the older woman piped up.

“Andrea?”

“Hm?” She turned on her heels to face Miranda.

“Be safe. I love you.”

Andy stared at Miranda in disbelief, “..I love you too.” She finally sputtered, the editor smiled and nodded before turning down the hall, most likely to go nap.

Andy was shocked, Miranda loved her?? Miranda Priestly loved her?! Maybe she was looking too much into it.. She might mean it as platonic love.. But still, the words made Andys heart skip a beat.

────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───────

I hope you enjoyed! Again, sorry for the wait

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kiki-strike · 4 months

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hi would you mind tellin me what ed ward was like? i might have to go there at some point and im scared also sorry if im phrasing it wrong and also also if you're more comfy dming or not answering at all thats fine

Hi yes I can!! And you can dm me if you want or send another ask if you have more questions :)

So there’s two kinds of 24-hour ED care, inpatient and residential. Inpatient is usually inside of a hospital, sometimes integrated with the psych ward (hence “ed ward”). This is where people that aren’t medically stable go (think serious heart conditions, people who flat-out refuse to eat, people who need to be in a locked ward to be safe). I haven’t been to inpatient ed, so I can’t say much on that subject. I do know that you typically stay in inpatient much shorter than residential.

I was in residential for four months. Usually ED treatment takes longer than treatment for depression and such and it’s not uncommon for people to go into residential more than once, but it’s pretty rare for residential to last more than six months. It’s expected that you’ll do a step-down plan which means after you leave res you’ll do a PHP and an IOP (PHP is when you live at home but go to programming during the day, usually 40-60hrs a week with all meals there, and IOP is usually half a day 2-3 times a week).

My res was three houses in a neighborhood (not in a row) and we would all go to the biggest house during the day. There was usually 2-3 group therapy sessions and 2-3 classes (DBT skills, nutrition, etc) per day, every day (inc weekends). We spent the rest of our time doing leisure stuff and eating.

Meals took up a HUGE portion of the day because we got half an hour for each meal, and then there was another half hour for supplements, plus 15 minutes for snacks and 15 minutes for snack supplements, so that amounts to… 4.5 hours every day. The way meals worked was each person got their own plate, to their own needs (some people got tiny amounts bc refeeding, some people got huge amounts bc restoration, etc). You got to choose 3 blacklisted foods that they would never give you, other than that if you didn’t like the food you had to suck it up. I chose spicy food, eggplant, and I think peanut butter? Because being vegetarian didn’t count (though I told them I was vegan instead because I was scared of milk😔). If you didn’t finish your food you got supplemented - 1/2 a sup for eating 3/4 but not finishing, one sup for 1/2-3/4, and two supps for eating less than half. Our supps were Kate Farms unless you had other dietary restrictions; I got switched to ensure clear halfway through because I went on a Kate Farms boycott to get it haha, WORTH IT ensure clear I love you. You had to sit at supps table for the whole half hour or until you finished it (it was a socially-acceptable choice to just sit there for half an hour). If you didn’t drink your sup you lost privileges for the next day, but unless you’d been there for a few months you didn’t actually *have* any, so… privileges were going on our daily 10 minute walk, the weekly strip mall field trip, and if you were VERY LUCKY going to the bathroom with the door closed. During meals there were a lot of blacklisted topics because yknow. Bad Time Let’s Be Nice. If you weren’t eating staff would gently encourage you but wouldn’t be mean about it, and the other patients would too. It’s pretty hard to fake eating there, but not impossible, and definitely impossible to do it without other patients seeing (because we all watched each other eat So Closely and we know all our tricks…) and other patients ratting you out is a definite possibility. You weren’t allowed to leave the table during meals but sometimes it happens. If you didn’t eat for two days they sent you to inpatient (they couldn’t actually force you to eat in res, but in IP they can tube you).

In our free time we all got really close. Everybody had a roommate and we slept in real bedrooms with our own bathrooms (which we could only use at night, they were locked during the day). A lot of us crocheted, there was lots of reading and coloring. We were allowed an hour of screen time, including TV, a day but that was taken away if you were Really Bad (think screaming fit not like “didn’t eat fear food”). If you were still in high school you were expected to do that (online) during free time (which was also a ticket to unlimited computer time during free time lolol, same with AA). The people you go to res to become like a weird version of your family, you’re together for months with ONLY each other doing something very emotionally taxing, so like within the first few days boom you now have 15 new best friends. It’s also very insular in that there are trends? Within your res? I started a rock painting trend, and also pestered staff enough that they finally let us garden (this was just me gardening and everyone else reading in the yard). Everybody listened to top 50 pop even if they hated it, because at res you like it (I’m very attached to billboard pop 2021 still), we all watched every Keanu Reeves movie because it’s funny to say that you have (none of us even liked him that much).

At res everything is funny because everything’s so bad? It’s this sort of delirious sheen that takes over everything, like looking at the world through a soap bubble. That said I was also on the maximum dose of seroquil. Everyone’s super supportive, not like the movies. If they didn’t actually want to recover they didn’t say anything about it.

Staff there consisted of three types: the babysitters (I don’t know their real titles), mostly college girls who babysat us and ran the houses, the therapists/psychiatrists who ran groups and did individual therapy, and the nurses. There was a nurse on staff until 11 every night, because we all had hot girl stomach issues and sometimes hot girl heart problems. They took blood once a week and there was a doctor that saw you once a month or if you complained about something long enough. The babysitters were all really nice though some were less pushover-y than others (let you stay on computer longer etc). They said they did room sweeps once a week but I had contraband they never found. They also said we weren’t allowed to touch each other for more than five seconds at a time (I am the reason that rule exists haha) but like… you have a roommate for a reason!! (I’m not even talking about sex I just mean snuggling ;-;)

In terms of visitors you mostly only got your parents or if you were married your spouse, maaaybe somebody’s friends came once? But not common. You’re not allowed alone time with your visitors (like prison!) and anything they give you has to be searched by staff (same as stuff you order online or buy on the strip mall field trips). A lot of rules are very very strict because people with eating disorders are masters at worming their way out of things which sucks but makes sense.

There were some unsavory things that happened to me there that I’d like not to talk about here, just know that when you go, it’s very possible for staff to lie to your parents/caretakers to the point that they don’t believe you. It is very hard to leave once you check yourself in, and if you do leave before they let you, that’s called AMA and your insurance won’t pay for the part of your stay you did already (which for me was $2k a day. For four months). Once you go there you’ve basically handed over your rights indefinitely to the program in exchange for learning how to eat good and not die. Which is better than dying but not amazing either, but that’s the way it is.

Some other unintended side effects:

1. If you were scared of blood draws before you went in you won’t be when you come out.

2. You’ll be able to pee anywhere no more pee shyness. Along those lines we had to describe our shit every morning to the nurse in earshot of everybody? So you won’t be embarrassed about that any more.

3. You might forget to close the bathroom door the first few months you’re home.

4. You’ll become very attached to some foods in res and then when you get out can never eat those foods again. For me that’s biscoff cookie butter.

5. You’ll be WAY less on your phone. You’ll know how to sit and wait instead of going on your phone immediately for entertainment.

All in all I’d say you get more freedom than the locked ward and less freedom than rehab, but stay longer than both of them combined. Fellow patients are awesome, staff is a mostly positive mixed bag, and activities are dismal (eating).

I wish you so much luck in recovery. You can do this! Every meal is a new beginning. I believe in you!

A funny for you for making it this far:

#ALSO I didn’t want to put this in the main body bc it’s a lil dreary but if you relapse that is SO OKAY that doesn’t mean you should lose y #your support network or are a bad person or not trying hard enough. everyone relapses. that’s okay. the important part is that you keep goi #going and don’t give up!#BEST OF LUCK!!! you’ll be in my prayers!!!#Ed tw #psych ward tw

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syncopein3d · 1 month

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Broken World

4: Bad Night

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

CW: badly injured whumpee, implied past violence, loss of consciousness, fear of death, discussion of death, offensive/ignorant cis questions, blood, bruises, broken ribs, difficulty breathing, stranger caretaker, uncertain fate

Ripper ate the noodles without much interest. They felt like they gouged on their way down, and it couldn’t taste much. It wouldn’t be able to for a couple of days. Mostly they kept an eye on Robert as they sat there, in case he dropped the fat styrofoam cup or threw up. Neither happened. Afterward, he set the cup on the nightstand and sloshed water from the bottle around his mouth before he swallowed.

“So, where do you sleep?” Robert asked.

“I’ve got a couple of things to do. Then I’ll lie on top of the other side. It’s a big bed,” Ripper said.

“Yeah, well, if I die just dump the body in the garage,” Robert said. “In case I get back up.”

“Do I want that?” Ripper asked.

“It’d mean your extra work wasn’t wasted.” He leaned back into the pillow stack, swollen eyes all the way shut now.

“Good point.” They threw away the trash and washed the cup and fork they’d used for the noodles. Then they grabbed the duffel and went to take a hurried shower and brush their teeth. In a few minutes they were cleaned, changed into different sweats, and padding barefoot back into the guest room. Robert was still breathing, the wheeze audible, so Ripper shut off the light and lay down facing him on top of the comforter. Its current cheapish smart phone made a small weight in one pocket. It actually thought he was asleep until he said,

“You sleep in a mask?”

“Nobody knows my face, and I’m not starting with you. Go to sleep.” It was all the Ripper could do to keep its own eyes open. Food eased the stomach cramps even if it didn’t affect the overall raw feeling that came from turning itself inside out to pass through the Other Place. Acetaminophen dulled the pain a little. And they were so very tired…

Ripper woke up with a start, rolling backward off the bed to crouch on the floor behind before they even registered why they were awake.

Then the noise happened again, a small, pained bark, and it realized Robert was trying not to cough and failing. They clawed their way back up onto the bed, stifling a groan. It felt like every raw place inside them had stiffened. A glance at the phone said it was six a.m. They must have slept for about six hours. There had been dreams, a snarl of uncolors and pain.

“You okay?” Robert asked. He was half-curled on his side facing away, so he could stay supported by pillows but keep weight off his left ribs. For a second his misshapen nose was there in silhouette as he tried to look over his shoulder.

“Better off than you are. How long have you been coughing?”

“Few minutes, I guess. Hurts like Hell. Is that normal?” His voice wasn’t any less graveled than yesterday.

“With broken ribs, yes. I’ll make tea.”

“All this time I thought people were really weird about pain,” he muttered. “Turns out I wasn’t feeling most of – kaff – fuck! Feeling most of it.”

“How sad for you,” rasped Ripper, already carrying the kettle away to refill. Robert coughed again twice while it was doing this. When it came back he was lying with his eyes closed, face half-buried in the pillow. Ripper thought he had passed out or gone back to sleep for a minute or so. Then, when it was pouring hot water over the black tea bags, he said,

“Why you doin’ this?”

“Good for a sore throat.”

“You know what – kff – what I meant.”

“You said your blood could heal me, remember?” Even to themselves, they sounded dry.

“It can. But you haven’t gone looking for needles or asked my blood type or nothing. Y’don’t believe me, do you?”

“I believe you’d say anything to stay alive.” Ripper shrugged. “I would, too, if I was you. But you did tell me where the carnite was. That’s worth something. And I can’t do anything with it for another couple of days anyway. I’m not busy.”

“Can’t. Why?” A thin sliver of bloodshot eye appeared to regard them.

“None of your business.”

“You’re sick,” Robert said. “Worse than when you found me. That thing you do, it hurts you.”

“Shut up. You want milk and sugar or not?”

“Nah,” Robert said. He eased himself into a more upright position, gritting his teeth. “Thanks. So you can’t travel to sell this shit until you get better. DO you get better?”

Ripper glared down at him. Robert looked back up at him. Then he grinned, showing a couple of missing teeth.

“You don’t scare me,” he said. Ripper exhaled involuntarily, not quite a laugh.

“Fine, you ass. I get better until I have to tear again. It’s never right any more, but tearing is worse. Can you hold this?”

“Yeah. Gimme it.” He held the mug in both hands, inhaling the steam. “So you think you can find somebody to fix you with the carnite so it doesn’t hurt no more. Who would you even trust to do that?”

“I know someone,” Ripper said. “She’s operated on me. She’ll be honest enough as long as I pay up.”

Robert listened as he drank tea, nodding slightly. Then he said, “You don’t think you’ll wake up strapped down and she’ll cut bits off you until you tell her where the carnite is?”

“I think her reputation is worth more to her than nine hundred fifty million dollars.”

“That’s crazy.”

“She’s a very specific kind of crazy. Do you think you can eat a protein bar?”

“No,” Robert said. “Stomach feels weird.” He set down the mug on the nightstand and would have just flopped backward if Ripper hadn’t caught him by the shoulders to help lower him back down. He didn’t wince at the thumb on the bandaged ball of his shoulder.

“Robert?” There was a clotty mumble, then a cough, no real answer. Ripper wedged him into the pillow pile so he would stay upright. They would swear they heard a crackle to his breathing now, mucus sticking to itself and the walls inside when he breathed. He didn’t fight them.

The wounded man slept fitfully all day. He was never awake enough for a real conversation until evening, when he started to really have trouble breathing. At that point, it decided the risk of suffocation was as bad as the risk of a punctured lung. The Ripper peeled back the covers, put a towel over one shoulder, and straddled his legs, pulling him forward. Then, as he lay with the unbroken side of his ribs against their chest, they thumped his back with their fist to help him cough. The sound was awful, and it could hear the wet sound of tarry mucus and blood hitting the terry cloth. Their arms ached, and that made the ache inside worse, but they didn’t even think of stopping.

Afterward, he breathed a little easier. Ripper could feel him trying to wipe his mouth on the towel before he nudged it aside and rested his forehead on their shoulder. It rubbed his naked back silently for a couple of minutes. His skin still felt hot. The NSAID helped the fever, but had not eliminated it.

“Hey, Ripper,” he said weakly.

“Yeah.”

“I’m afraid to die. I thought I never could.”

“Maybe you won’t,” the Ripper said. “It’s too early to say.” Robert grunted, but he didn’t move, so neither did they.

“Will you tell me one thing?” he whispered.

“Probably,” Ripper said.

“You born flat, or you get ‘em removed?”

It pushed him back into the pillows, ignoring his wheezing laugh. He curled onto his side, but didn’t stop for a while as it stalked away to shove the now-horrible towel into the washer.

“Asshole,” they said, as they came to pull the covers back over him.

“You said you’d tell,” Robert gasped. A weak hand clutched at their wrist. They detached it, but carefully, setting his hand back on the mattress.

“I had top surgery. Why do you care?”

“I never knew an agender type – thing - before. Don’t want to die wondering. One more?”

“It better not be about my genitals again, because I’m not answering that.” The fact that he’d said “thing” tempered its annoyance a little. Usually it didn’t even bother with that, because no one would use it. Robert had.

“What d’you call yourself in your head?” he was asking. “Not he or she.”

“It,” Ripper said. “Sometimes they.”

“Yeah. That makes sense.” The swelling in his eyes might be a little less. It was easier to tell when he closed them. Ripper sat on the edge of the bed beside him for a couple of minutes, elbow resting on his hip. After a minute, he said, “Will you stay? It’s gonna be a bad night. If it’s going to happen, I don’t want to be alone.”

“You won’t be alone. I’ll be here,” Ripper said. “But it’s only fair you know that if you do die, I’m rolling your ass off the balcony.”

“Don’ make me laugh again, damn you.”

He couldn’t even drink broth that night. Ripper finished the cup itself. When they had showered they crawled into bed with him under the covers, wearing boxers and a loose tee shirt with the name of a college they’d never been to on it. They pressed up close to his burning body, arm carefully over his belly so that they could feel him breathe.

“Starting to feel floaty,” Robert said. “I don’t think it’ll be long.”

“Sh,” Ripper said. “You’re not going anywhere. I’ve got you.”

Robert turned his face into their shoulder. He stayed that way for a long time, his labored breathing loud in the dark room. Ripper held onto him, thumb stroking one of the only unbruised parts of his side, listening to each breath get farther apart.

It was sure he would be dead before morning, that it would one moment be holding a living man and the next moment a corpse. That was bad, but it had done that before in a way that had been much worse. This couldn’t pay for that, but it could at least make it easier for Robert than it had been for Blackknife.

But that wasn’t how it happened.

Ripper snapped awake, arm tightening. Something in the sound of the room had changed. It could feel Robert still breathing –

But it could barely hear him. It lay still for a while, listening, but he had stopped wheezing. Under their arm he breathed easily and regularly, without a hint of obstruction. That couldn’t be. They sat up on one elbow. Robert let his cheek be slid onto the pillow with a small mumble of protest, bur he didn’t wake up. That let Ripper turn far enough to grope around for the hoodie with the smartphone in the pocket. Then it turned the dim half-light of the screen on Robert’s face.

His eyelids were a little dark, but they were smooth, barely swollen. His face was no longer swollen at all, the line of his jaw straight and perfect. His nose was still crooked. Ripper tugged the covers down from his chest to look at his ribcage and was staring dumbfounded at the unbroken and unmarked skin when something hit it so hard in the chest it was knocked backward off the bed.

It knew just enough to cover its head with its arms before it hit the rugs. The phone went flying. Ripper curled on its side, gasping, wondering if its sternum had cracked. Spots danced in front of its eyes, blacker against the black.

“Ripper? Ripper?? Shit!” It was a new voice now. Still a little rough, but strong, definite. They heard Robert slide off the bed, and then felt him scoop them up against his body as if they weighed almost nothing, pulling them into the vee of his legs. “Hey, talk to me. Are you okay? Is anything broken?” He patted at their chest, producing a protesting hiss but no shift of cracked bone. “Fuck. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean -”

“Robert,” it panted.

“Yeah.”

“ Are you better?”

“Yeah. It wore off, finally,” he said.

“Oh. Good,” Ripper said. It let its head rest against a more muscular shoulder than it remembered. Robert was saying something else, shaking them a little, but that was all right. Robert was all right. The thing inside that burned felt farther away...

Ripper felt themselves turning into dead weight, heavy and limp, but it didn't feel important. The world had gone soft and dark.

Part 5

#whump #whumpblr #syncopein3d future reference #cometverse #hurt comfort #hurt/comfort #sick whump #whump loss of consciousness #loss of consciousness whump #@whatwhump #small time villains #stranger caretaker #villain caretaker #agender caretaker #male whumpee

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navigatorwrongway · 1 year

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okay finals week is over so here’s my ADHD online/remote student survival guide

1. This is the big one: if you’re stuck staring at a blank document that should be an essay by now, what you’re gonna do is turn off your brain and turn on your voice to text on your phone.

ideally, you should have at least one little guy (can be a figurine or stuffie or whatever) for moral support

just go on auto pilot about whatever your paper is supposed to be about. You can go back and neaten it up after you have some thing to neaten up, the point is get something down on the document to break the surface tension

I have speed-written so many essays using this strategy, you don’t even know

2. Get a floor pillow!! It will make your floortime so much more comfortable and sometimes doing work on the floor is necessary for your wellbeing i have this one and I slept on it for several weeks when I didn’t have a bed

just make sure it’s one you can stretch out on, belly flop style — those giant throw pillow-style ones are no good

3. For the love of all things holy go outside sometimes, open a window, anything to get fresh air will help

4. Find something you can have on in the background that will get your brain into over the optimal arousal threshold, I like Time Team and the Historical Farm series (both are on youtube)

5. i KNOW you’ve heard it before but you’re gonna hear it again use firefox and adblockers. Do it. I haven’t seen an ad on YouTube in two years and that could be you, too

6. Even if you can’t use one consistently, I hate to admit it, but a planner does actually help. It doesn’t have to be a planner planner, literally a notepad or stickynote where you write a to-do list and due dates next to the assignment is better than nothing. Black pen for everyday/general to-dos, red for the day it’s due

7. Alarms. Alarms for everything. I usually do three alarms for each class or assignment deadline; ten minutes before, four minutes before, and one minute before

8. Find a dopamine boost game that you can pop on for a second and jump off just as easily. I like dragcave.net because i can collect cute dragons but it doesn’t have any of the ‘drag you in and hold you down’ suction that mobile games do and I can put in as much or as little effort as I want (ie. no rewards for checking in every day, no time-out penalties, also free)

9. Work in daylight as much as you’re able to, lamp light if you must, and screen-only in a dark room as a last resort, your eyes and brain will thank you (see point 1 for alternative methods of essay writing at 10:37pm when there’s a midnight deadline)

10. If your school/institution has tutoring or workshopping resources, use them!! They help, both as an extra pair of eyes and as accountability prods; if you have an appointment to have your essay looked at BEFORE the eleventh hour, it can act as a little baby due date to get that deadline productivity magic working

11. Relatedly, research librarians are seriously SO helpful, see if you can get in touch with one.

12. Find a reason to visit campus every so often, if you don’t have any in-person classes. It’s wild how much the “I am a student, I rightfully belong here” feeling can do to strip away that plastic remote learning vibe

13. Seriously just try point 1 it will make the ‘getting started on essays’ part of your life so much less painful

(And please feel free to add on your own tactics!!)

#mar posts #mar does human things #adhd #adhd life

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altschmerzes · 1 year

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First Sentences Game!

tagged by @disappearinginq (thank youuuu!!!)

Rules: share the first lines of ten of your most recent fanfics and tag ten people. If you have written less than ten, don’t be shy and share anyway.

putting the rest of this under a cut so it’s not a huge long post! decided to take a leaf out of disappearinginq’s book and use only WIPs that haven’t been posted yet so >:) enjoy. we got 4 ted lasso fics, 2 9-1-1 fics, 2 locked tomb fics, 1 now you see me fic, 1 flashpoint fic, and 1 ffxv fic. yes that adds up to 11. it’s a surprise.

i have included the opening...... Couple Of Paragraphs. Or for these lmao because as always with me, i cannot help it and it is longer than intended.

tagging some folks up front no pressure but if you want an excuse to share your stories or brag on yourself this is your cue. i dont think it matters if it’s posted fics or wips - @heavensenthale @appalachianapologies @bold-and-nosy @nativestarwrites @impossiblepluto @roguelibrarian (and anyone compelled to do this who can go ahead and take this as a sign to say i tagged you and Do It)

1. Love Stuck - ted lasso

the aromantic jamie tartt fic. jamie realizes he’s aro, and this becomes a study of his and keeley’s post-breakup friendship and how aromanticism can open doors and allow for more freedom and personal choice in relationships for non-aro people too.

The only warning that Keeley gets before Jamie shows up at her house is a text message that she knows he sent by voice-to-text because of its use of capital letters and the complete lack of emojis. It announces his imminent arrival and apologizes for the lack of warning, explaining that he forgot to do that until he was almost there, all in one long, run-on sentence without punctuation. She has just enough time to grab a cardigan, because she’d been getting kind of chilly anyway, and pause the episode of Sex and the City she had been watching before he’s ringing the doorbell.

When Keeley opens the door, Jamie bypasses any kind of perhaps typically-expected greeting. While this isn’t exactly unusual for him, what he says is.

“I’ve got great news,” he tells her, smiling like he really does have great news, which helps to somewhat offset the sense of foreboding she’d been starting to feel. “I am not in love with you. Can I come in?”

2. Wriggle Up On Dry Land - ted lasso

au where everything is pretty much the same except for the part where jamie is the fifteen year old groundskeeper’s assistant who works part-time at nelson road. proceeds approximately through the timelines/events of seasons 1 and 2 (and maybe 3 depending on how that goes).

At this point, Ted has been in England for less than forty-eight hours, he’s slept for somehow both too many and not enough of those hours, and people keep saying things to him that are ostensibly in English but have no coherent meaning he can wring from his exhausted, jet lagged brain. This, he thinks, is a reasonable explanation for why it takes him several moments to process what he’s seeing when he reaches the coaching office.

One hand loosely gripping the strap of his backpack, the other holding out his keys in preparation to unlock the office, Ted stands there for a long time and blinks. The office does not need unlocking, it turns out, because the door is already open. The door is already open, and there’s what appears to be a kid crouching next to it, doing… something to the lowest hinge with a screwdriver. The boy glances up when Ted approaches, but makes no direct acknowledgement of him and goes immediately back to whatever he’s doing with the tool.

Now. On the one hand, this is a teenager Ted has never seen before and he is messing with the door of the head coaching office. That feels like bad news. On the other hand, he is wearing a grey zippered jacket with the Richmond logo on one lapel and STAFF embroidered underneath it in cursive. That, and his non-reaction to Ted catching him mid-potential-mischief, seems to indicate maybe this whole situation is above board after all.

“Uh,” Ted says after the silent pause has gone on long enough that he officially feels like he’s being rude. “Good morning?”

3. the bus curse 5+1 - ted lasso

Five Times The Curse Of The AFC Richmond Away Game Post-Game Bus Ride Home (Mostly Referred To Simply As 'The Bus Curse' For Conservation Of Time) Ruined The Night And One Time It Tried To But Couldn’t. tl;dr bus is haunted (roy voice It Is Not) (for fun and profit the chapter titles for this are ‘twitter’ ‘illness’ ‘the heavy existential burden of captaincy’ ‘nightmare’ ‘injury’ and ‘double birthday’)

The most important thing to understand about The Curse Of The AFC Richmond Away Game Post-Game Bus Ride Home (mostly referred to as ‘the bus curse’ for conservation of time) is that it doesn’t fucking exist.

Roy is fully ready and willing to die on this hill and go to his grave still swearing up and down that the ‘curse’ is superstitious bullshit, just like the one on the training room. Sure, he’s experienced two flat tires and a radiator overheating on the way home with Richmond, which never happened with any previous team, but that’s probably because management always hired the cheapest charter possible. Sure, the driver once stopped off for petrol and simply never came back from inside the station, but that’s because the bloke apparently had some kind of epiphany and decided to radically change his life, not because of the bus itself. Sure, there have been some dozen-odd other assortment of events ranging from inconveniences to calamities that have disrupted specifically the return bus journey from away matches, but there are explanations for all of them, none of which involve any kind of curse.

4. Never Been In Love - 9-1-1

the aromantic evan buckley fic. buck has a very rocky time coming to terms with being aro, and then telling everyone about it. ft internalized arophobia, romance repulsion, found family, the power of queer friendship, and the way the episode with red the retired firefighter was the perfect set-up for an aro character realization but of course they’d never go there.

The thing about dates is that, theoretically, at some point they are supposed to go well. And it’s not like Buck’s never been on dates that he has fun on. He has! A lot of them, actually! He’s a people person, he always has been, he likes spending time around others and spending time one-on-one is extra nice - it feels nice to bask in the attention and to focus his attention solely on someone else for a while. However, there always comes a point where the woman Buck is out with starts blatantly flirting and he knows he needs to flirt back, or he just… remembers that he’s out on a date and not just hanging out with a cool person he wants to get to know better, and it all goes sour.

The end of it is, even when Buck’s dates go well, they don’t. The mere fact that they’re dates is enough to thoroughly ruin the experience, either in the moment or in hindsight, particularly once there’s an expectation that there are going to be more dates and, at some point, a relationship. And that… Buck really just doesn’t know what to do with that.

5. One-Way Mirror - now you see me

oneshot set between movies 1 and 2 that gets at explaining some of the shifts in character dynamics and digs into what it would be like for dylan to mesh with the team when they were already a team and he was on the outside. lot of focus on what happened to create such a faith in him from jack specifically.

The nice thing about setting yourself up to look like the lawman who got duped by a team of criminals just a little too smart for him is that, when you announce your intention to take a sabbatical, nobody really asks too many questions. Dylan must have played his role effectively, because not an eyelid is bat when the Agent who got too invested in fugitives that ultimately eluded him decides to take off for a while. He has the leave accrued, it’s a matter of putting in the paperwork. Fuller is a little concerned but Evans waves it through with barely a thought. Cowan swans around the office dripping smug satisfaction, and Dylan keeps his head down and swallows it.

He goes to France to visit Alma first. While things are still white-hot in the fallout of the case, the Horsemen are laying low in the area. They’ll take off for a house the Eye has arranged soon enough, but in the handful of days intervening Dylan gets on a plane to Paris. Alma deserves some answers after everything she went through on this case with him, and if it means he’s going to get arrested after all, well, so be it. The others are set up, they’ll be okay.

6. untitled fic about mercymorn and augustine in a doc labeled ‘rotates them’ - the locked tomb series

this is simply me losing my mind about this dynamic, getting somewhat at how they came up with the plan they attempted to enact in ht9.

“Do you love your brother?”

Augustine stops in his tracks, facing away from her. His body twitches in a horrid, disarticulated little spasm, like a marionette that’s been electrocuted. The question has hurt him, and she can tell.

Good, Mercymorn thinks. Pain sharpens the senses.

“How dare you ask me that.”

Mercymorn does not back down. For one thing, she does not, as a rule, back down. Ever. For another, she’d caught up to him here and brought up the subject for a reason, and it isn’t just to torment him with it.

7. One Right Move - flashpoint

time loop of the episode one wrong move where lou young died. spike relives his best friend’s death over and over and over until he can figure out how to make it stop.

This is the way the world ends. This is the way the world ends.

This is the way the worst day of Michaelangelo Scarlatti’s life ends - not with a bang, but with the echo of one.

Explosions have not been an unusual occurrence in Spike’s world to date. Moments of ground-shaking thunder and fire have come and gone for him the way a lawyer conducts depositions or a surgeon draws a dotted line indicating where they plan to cut - something that is an incomprehensible oddity to those outside the profession, but as familiar as the tree on the corner of the street you drive down every day to those inside it. While the detonation of a bomb may be the worst or most shocking thing to happen in the life of just about any random person you grabbed off the street, it’s Tuesday for Spike. Even when they go bad, they still ultimately go. He doesn’t spend hours reliving them after the smoke has cleared.

This time, he does. Laying on his side on the couch in Greg’s living room, the moment that mine went off replays again and again. Sometimes it’s hard to tell if he’s imagining it or if something is still actually exploding, because Spike can still feel himself shaking from the percussive force. Or maybe shaking from something else. It’s hard to tell, now, in this diluted, slipping evening that doesn’t feel remotely real.

8. Can’t Grow A Proper Branch - 9-1-1

5+1 of five times someone got one of the pieces indicating that buck’s childhood and family were Really Fucking Bad and one time he just straight out told someone.

Man plans and God laughs.

When Bobby was growing up, the Nash family’s next door neighbor had been a Rabbi and his wife whose older daughter had been his age. Often, when his parents were working late, Bobby would end up at the Rose house, playing with Sarah Rose or doing homework with her at the kitchen table under Rabbi Rose’s quiet supervision. Man plans and God laughs. A Yiddish proverb Rabbi Rose had been fond of. Even though it’s been decades since he’d lived in the house in St. Paul next door to the Roses, decades since he’d last spoken to the man at all, the phrase he’d used so often still pops into Bobby’s head sometimes. It even makes its way out of his mouth now and then.

From the moment they meet, it feels to Bobby like Evan Buckley is God laughing at his plans.

9. Game Over. Try Again? - final fantasy xv

the first time noctis had to use a phoenix down on each of his friends. exploring game resurrection mechanics from a narrative standpoint.

Gladio has been twenty years old for all of nine days when he dies in an assassination attempt that leaves Noctis without a scratch. It all happens so quickly that there’s no time to feel the energy in the air change before the shooting starts.

A second before the first bullet shatters what had been a perfectly fine, unremarkable afternoon, Gladio’s hand closes around Noctis’s arm, the other plants in the square centre of his back, and he’s being shoved so hard it propels him several feet forward. He’s all ready to be pissed, to whirl around and demand that the big dumb bastard explain what, precisely, his issue is when a chunk of concrete explodes from the waist-high wall he’s landed behind. Noctis isn’t really sure what he thinks is happening at first, but ‘someone is shooting bullets at me because they are trying very hard to kill me’ is not it.

10. baby heist au - ted lasso

the one where bex decides to leave rupert, rebecca decides to help her, an extremely unlikely friendship forms, and i cast spell of ‘hold a baby’ on the entire richmond greyhounds roster.

The first thing that enters Rebecca’s mind when she gets the initial message is suspicion. She stares at her mobile, squinting at the text from the number - unattached to anyone in her address book - and trying to piece together who it could possibly be from.

Hello Rebecca. I was wondering if you might have time for a coffee and a chat soon. I have something I’d really like to discuss with you.

It came through just as she was walking to her desk upon first arriving at the office, and caught her so off-guard that she’s still standing there in the middle of the room looking at the screen when the second message arrives.

Oh, this is Bex by the way. Bex Harper.

A third, not a moment later.

Well. Bex Mannion I guess.

bonus 11. baby heist au 2: 2 heist, 2 baby - the locked tomb series

modern au (i know, but bear with me) where it’s like pov. you are ortus nigenad. you are in your very early twenties. you have come to the unfortunate realization that you are in a cult and you have Fucking Snapped and you cannot be here one more moment longer. on your way out, you decided to take a pair of toddlers with you. pov. you are abigail pent. you are a professor and you live with your husband in the top floor of a duplex. a young man with a pair of little girls just moved in downstairs, and you’ve got the feeling there’s something Going On with them.

The bottom unit of the building has been empty since before Abigail moved into the upstairs of the duplex on Primis Street. She’s never met the person who owns it, and so there has never been an opportunity to ask after this curiosity, despite her desire to know if there was a reason for it. Magnus tells her that it’s probably just not a keenly desired neighbourhood, especially for the university demographic comprising most of their area, but still she has always wondered.

When someone does move into it, Abigail doesn’t notice at first. It’s such a shock the first time she hears a sound and looks out of her unit just in time to see the downstairs door close behind someone that she nearly calls after him on the spot. She manages to repress the instinct, but she calls Magnus immediately upon going back inside.

“What? Since when?” he asks when Abigail tells him they’ve finally got neighbours.

“I haven’t the faintest idea! I just saw him coming home. Didn’t see much, just the door closing behind him, but I think he’s young. There’s not even a car out front! It’s all quite mysterious.”

Things do not clear up from there, especially not once Abigail catches her first glimpse of the children.

#gav gab #tag meme #writing liveblog #i did not tag ten people i tagged five people but frankly that much is a win #pls feel free to message or ask about any of these #i always need the encouragement slkdfjsfd #so drop me a line if there's one you're excited for or smth

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felawnie · 2 years

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about me

tagged by @marvelingjules

last song: *stares at the screen in ‘can’t remember things and slept for 17 straight hours before this’* Uh, if I pull up my youtubin window...Looks like it was Start Again (Feat. Fiora) - Seven Lions. Ooo I should listen to that again. And then maybe thanks for the memories cause it’s stuck in my head.

last show/series: I don’t have cable nor any streaming services and I checked out Robocop weeks ago from the library and STILL haven’t watched it! I don’t watch things very well. A while ago I watched the first season of Columbo? I was very proud of myself..I managed to watch it in a week or two. Now if we were talking fanfics, I just recently finished an Avengers kick. Wait, should I be considering youtube in this?

currently watching: If we’re considering youtube, that would be Cracking the Cryptic, Far Lands or Bust, Fascinating Horror(when something comes up since that is the ONLY channel i am up to date on), and I’m checking out Usefulcharts. But like, I only watch stuff while I’m eating and only listen to stuff when I’m playing something that doesn’t need sound. Otherwise I could be reading... If we’re going with fanfics for this question, I am reading through a SuperBat rec list. Will I stick with SuperBat? I dunno. I just really want the angsty/pining/touch starvation recently. Been down in the dumps, wanna feel worse. Uh. In the way that people like being scared by horror or rollercoasters, yanno?

favorite color: GREEEEEEEN. I love green. I love green so much I can’t even trust my decisions. Listen. I was looking at a picture book I loved when I was younger and realized my favorite character wore green. At a dinner at Dad’s coworker’s house, I picked a place to sit and after I sat, realized the plate was green. My favorite bubble tea at the place around here is jasmine green tea(well, fela, it says green tea in the name. LISTEN ON THE MENU IT JUST SAYS JASMINE I DIDN’T EVEN NOTICE THE GREEN TINGE UNTIL MY FRIEND POINTED IT OUT). When I worked at Mcdonalds I worked the morning shift. If you work the morning shift you make yourself some coffee because it’s 4 fucking am. I liked the hazelnut iced coffee. The syrups have a colored plastic wrap at the top. It took me A YEAR to realize hazelnut had a green wrap! DO I LIKE HAZELNUT?? OR WAS IT THE GREEN? ...I have become convinced that if anyone wanted to marry me, they’d just have to wear green around me until I fell in love with them. Green comes up so often it’s become a joke. Help. I also like blue and purple. Peacock colors!

sweet, spicy, or savory: savoury!

currently reading: :I Oh boy. The Winter Long by Seanan McGuire(Ocober Daye series is so good) The Way of the Househusband by Kousuke Oono(fucking hilarious) The Fires of Vengeance by Evan Winter(will this boy ever get a break? no.) Anno Dracula by Kim Newman(about to start) Great Courses:Introduction to Geology(yeah mostly this is a listening thing but i’m currently reading the guidebook for the first part) Rogue Protocol by Martha Wells(Murderbot is ALSO a very good series) Spectacular Silver Earthling by Mara Lynn Johnstone(a fun book and one i should have finished ages ago but) Antimony by Tenorreaper(spooky Danny Phantom fanfic) running til we’re out of time by Pasdecoeur(one of the SuperBats from the rec list and oooooof *fans self*) Poetic Justice by Limmet(the last avengers one. the last time i read it was while it was being written and less than 30 chapters. saw it in the avengers list and realized it had hit 142 chapters and it shocked me right out of the avengers kick LMAO) Various other fanficsI’ve stalled on and left the tabs up in the hopes that I’ll go FUCKING FINISH READING THEM. If anyone wants that list they’re gonna have to ask. 81 fucking library books.Do my friends(who i work with) mock me? Yes. Does one of them play a game with me where whichever of us who has less books wins? Yes. DOES SHE ALWAYS WIN????? YES. 5 items on this list are from that 81 book pile so. I’m TRYING. Oh god please don’t ask me for a list of these.

what I'm working on: Just like, Flight Rising stuff. I have a breeding project, lair expansions, gathering a new set of lvl 10s for the next push(whatever kind it is), the set of three challenges I was trying to tie together, the long drop challenge. Also the 81 books I have out. I...I need to read those...

currently obsessed with: :/ I don’t get obsessions. I’m barely existing as it is.

tagging: @asthmaticsarcasticasshole @owl-troll @fractal-baby @faeymouse @zubneogeist @poorlydrawnsonya @bloodlinemagick No obligation, of course. And if anyone else sees this and wants to do it and tag me so I can read it, that’s cool too

#*screams in why did adding a bit of text fuck up the formatting in the currently reading section*

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witchlockmonsterfox · 2 years

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second day of (on the niche little drug corner of my blog) The Phentermine Trials. once again i do not suggest you experiment on yourself like i am doing. i am a person with a long and extensive history of drug use as well as experience with an absurd amount of pharmaceuticals of all kinds, i have rudimentary medical knowledge, and have been studying psychopharmacology on my own for 16 years. i can’t stop anyone from doing anything, but i still don’t recommend doing something like this, especially if you’re inexperienced.

previous post here explaining phentermine and other information re: for the treatment of adhd

i took a break from the phentermine yesterday as like i mentioned, it gave me insomnia and i did not sleep until last night. i only slept five hours, but that’s not unusual for me. i’d say insomnia was the worst side effect from it, but i imagine with tolerance that’d go away as many people who use it for weight loss have no problems sleeping on it as long as it’s taken long enough before bedtime.

this is true for all amphetamines, so i don’t know if it’s really a specific drawback. i have little stimulant tolerance currently, and insomnia is something i’ll also struggle with with other amphetamines upon first starting them.

so i ingested another standard dose of 37.5mg six hours ago. i forgot to mention in the last post that 1) i’m on 5mg of valium (diazepam) 2x a day as well so that might be blunting side effects like anxiety/energy/jitteriness although with the usual and typical amphetamines i needed a higher dose of valium than that.

and 2) this drug takes 3 to 4 hours to reach peak concentrations in the body, HOWEVER, both times i have started feeling it well within an hour on an empty stomach, and it hasn’t been much different from my experiences with extended release amphetamines that can take 2-3 hours to really get going so it’s pretty comparable still.

after second dosing today and now knowing what to expect, perhaps some mild tolerance, and the previous dose still hanging around in my system slightly (it has a half-life of 20 hours so there’d be around 9.3mg left in my body) the energizing effect is milder than previously.

however despite this it’s still pretty beneficial for my adhd and those effects haven’t decreased in strength. in fact just this morning i was able to research and figure out everything regarding how to get a medical marijuana card, which i have been putting off for years. i got the motivation to post to a local subreddit about the topic and was able to read, respond to, and focus on the comments i received with the end result being a productive one as i now understand the entire process, have a clinic i plan to go to, and hope to be approved by the end of this week.

so here’s the breakdown… (all of these are going by comparison to therapeutic, standard dosages of commonly used amphetamines, not by recreational standards.)

the pros (for me, don’t forget this is all anecdotal!):

side effects such as anxiety, jitteriness, and agitation are extremely mild to the point i honestly can’t tell if it’s even related to the medication as i get those anyway.

MUSCLE SPASMS. i have a problem with muscle tension and spasms that stronger amphetamines (usually instant release like those found in adderall) trigger. this has had zero effect on them (even though valium is a muscle relaxant as well i would get them so severely on instant release adderall that just 10mg of valium wouldn’t help).

NO HEARTRATE OR BLOOD PRESSURE INCREASE which was very important to me because i have idiopathic sinus tachycardia (or: heart beat too fast all the time and it’s a mystery why) that i even have to take beta blockers for. my friend who was prescribed it for weight loss has high blood pressure and theirs also did not increase.

definite, NOTICEABLE and tangible increased focus and attention span unlike non-stimulant medications. you can tell this drug is working. helps you feel less foggy headed and less confused, able to organize your thoughts better. in fact in this one regard i can’t really tell much difference at all in this effect between phentermine and other amphetamines unless you were doing something intense or… (see below)

slightly increased energy, but seems to have waned after one dose a little. helps fatigue some but nothing like the usual amphetamine.

suppresses your appetite (hence its use as a weight loss medication) but not as bad as other amphetamines do. this is another one of the worst side effects for me even WITH tolerance. food can be impossible to eat and just the thought of it is so disgusting. this is probably worsened by my chronic nausea/lack of appetite i already have but i do know others report the same severity of this side effect.

now the cons:

the obvious: it’s not as potent as typical amphetamines and when it comes to motivation and focus it doesn’t work as well with things that you don’t want to do. however if you’re having difficulty even doing things you actually WANT to do (including productive stuff! it all depends) then it’s pretty equivalent.

insomnia, normal for all amphetamines and was about the same. not worse but not better either. again this probably just needs time to gain tolerance to.

Headache. it got pretty bad at one point. i assume this is from the norepinephrine as it’s the SAME headache atomoxetine (strattera) gives me which is an NRI (norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor). all amphetamines can give me this headache too, but typically more so when i’m using them recreationally and taking extra dosages.

for my fellow junkies, addicts, drug users, etc: low recreational potential imo. i don’t think i would enjoy increasing this drug in dosage as its focus is on norepinephrine over dopamine and serotonin (the Good neurochemicals). it seems like it would produce more side effects that would outweigh the positives too much to be worth it. the standard dose of 37.5mg did produce some very mild euphoria/content feelings but i don’t see much potential here.

(this last point could be seen as a pro depending on how you look at it)

in conclusion: doctors, psychopharmacologists, whoever: please study this drug for adhd! i think this might be an incredibly useful alternative for some patients who have issues with the normal amphetamines for adhd and poor/no response to non-stimulant medication (which let’s be honest… is most adhd patients)

also for those curious about it it MIGHT be worth asking your psychiatrist about as well! even just to get their opinion (which i’d be interested in hearing by the way if you did and wanted to share). it definitely has a reputation as a weight loss drug only though.

#ted.txt

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forbidden-creepypasta · 2 months

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Other Planes

Hey guys, this is the first pasta I've written. Probably the first story i've written since elementary school, I guess. I've been reading pastas for a while and figured I would try writing my own. I wrote it this afternoon because i'm trying to figure out what i'm interested in. Just lookin for any tips that can help me improve my writing. It's a little long and rambling I think, but i'm hoping you guys can help

Other Planes

Dear John,

I don’t know who else to write. We used to shoot heroin together, and you’re the only person I can think of who got clean, and stayed clean. I don’t know where I will be or if I will be breathing when this reaches you. I’m writing you to try to get my mind off of this, and to get my story out if something worse happens.

I haven’t touched it in five days. Five days, five hundred days, no difference to me. I miss it so much, but I know what will happen if I decide to indulge. I hadn’t slept since the last time I had it. 5 days ago. My mind is racing. I can hear cars outside my window, but we’re on different planets. I try to keep my mind clear, but my thoughts all return to that damn little red bottle with its damn child proof cap. Child proof, how ridiculous. Why can’t there be an adult proof bottle? I have tasted the forbidden apple, and it has changed me. Well, what did I expect? That bastard in the suit selling it said it would be a life changing experience. He didn’t say what kind of life changing experience, he didn’t say that it would torture me to the very core.

So why is it that this bottle still haunts and taunts me even though it brings out the worst in me? Well, the answer is obvious to anyone who has done a mind altering substance. The two E’s. Escape and Euphoria. Oh god it’s good man. It’s better than any combination of drugs I can imagine. You won’t belive how I found it, to be honest, I’m having trouble remembering exactly how it came into my posession. I was in a bind. I’d been up on speedballs for a good while, how long, I can’t be sure. By that point I was injecting in between my toes. It was painful, but fuck it, it worked. You know how it is John.

Of course, as happens with most junkies, I ran out of money. I had nothing left, not even anything to sell, and I definitely couldn’t prostitute myself. I was skin and bones, had no appetite, but what the hell did I care, I was high. But of course, I started coming down, and with that comes the anxiety, the fear. I started freaking out calling all of my contacts begging for just a single hit, anything to keep myself from crashing. Of course they told me to fuck myself until I paid them for the last free hit. I must have owed 4 different dealers money.

I was screwed. The drugs had been wearing off for an hour or longer, and my mind was speeding. I decided I’d go out for a walk and do whatever it took to keep this high going. I grabbed my brown jacket, and whipped it over my shivering body. I don’t even remember if I closed my door, much less locked it. I had one thing on my mind, and one thing only, man. Drugs. I checked out all the usual spots. But I couldn’t find anyone. Benny on third, Mike at the park. Nobody was where they should be. I guess I should have taken it as odd, but I wasn’t even thinking. Come to think of it, I don’t remember seeing anyone else on the street.

I was thinking how I might have to resort to sucking dick for drugs for the first time in my life, when I noticed a light coming from a back alley between some shitty thrift store and a market. I figured maybe some dude was smoking a spliff or something, and hopefully I could mooch myself a little to keep myself going. So off I go down this dark, dreary, dirty alleyway. It was the strangest thing, from the outside it looked like a tiny passage, but once you got walking in a little deeper it really opened up into a large area. The light source was a small black stand in the back left corner of the clearing. There was a small figure standing behind it. It didn’t make sense because I knew the shape of the buildings, and there shouldn’t be a large clearing here, but that was the last thing on my mind. Like I said, one thing on the brain.

So I finally get to where the light is coming from, but it was not what I expected. From a distance, I couldn’t quite tell if the person was male or female, and getting closer did little to clear up the confusion. He was wearing a white suit, white shoes, and a white cowboy hat. I remember hearing spurs jingle when he moved around. I thought I caught the gleam of a pistol in his belt, but it could have just been a belt buckle for all I cared. It gets kind of fuzzy when I think of it, but I remember he or she was missing an eye. No eye patch, just an empty socket. As scared as I was, the person called me over and I felt drawn to uh.. it. I walked over, and when I got closer it said “You’re lookin a little down chum.” With an English accent.

So the situation is this: it’s wearing a white suit, behind a black stand, with a possible gun in his waist, I’m alone in the alley, and I decided it was a good idea to see what he was offering. In your sober state John, you must think I’m an idiot, but you have to remember how it was when you needed a fix. Anyway I walked over and asked what he was doing here. He told me he was “Just tryin’ to get by”. Well, I didn’t ask questions and judging by the looks of his stand and all the assorted jars and smaller bottles on it, I figured he wasn’t selling vegetables. I decided he had to be selling stolen prescription drugs judging by the bottles with labels on them. And then I saw it.

It was like he/she wanted it to stand out. All of the jars were black, and all of the small bottles were white. But right in the front centre, was a red bottle with no words on it. As soon as he saw my eyes dart to it, he said, “Ah I see you have noticed my most prized possession.” Of course I didn’t ask who he was or what the fuck he was doing here, I just asked what was in the bottle. He said “This bottle holds something different for each curious mind. I can see you have a love for escaping reality, and this bottle will give you everything and more than you could ever want. It will change your life.” I didn’t even ask him to clarify what drug it was, I just snatched it from his hand and ran away. I got a strange feeling as I was running away, and when I reached the exit of the alley, I could have sworn I heard a girl release a glass shattering scream that ended with a cackle, and it shook me to my core.

The noise stays with me, I can still hear it clearly. Once I gathered myself, and tried to shake it off, my mind drifted back to the bottle that was now tucked into my pocket. I took it out. It felt like there was only a single pill inside. I opened it up, and as expected, a small white circle stared back up at me. I figured fuck it, it couldn’t be that bad, and it’s better than nothing. I took it out, popped it in my mouth, swallowed it, and ran home. Thinking back on it now, it’s funny how the mind works when it’s craving. I took a pill from a complete stranger and downed it without even thinking, just to get back on that cloud.

I got home, and had been waiting an hour, and nothing was happening. The sweats were getting worse, and the anxiety was killing me. I kept thinking about how long it’s been since I’ve got a hit of anything, and worrying that this pill would do nothing. But my fears were quickly dissipated when I felt a strange tingle in my spine. And from that tingle a warm feeling of cool euphoria, like a river pulsing through my body, rushed through me. It was great. At the same time as the euphoria, the hallucinations started. Every colour became vivid, I swear I even saw some colours I had never seen before. I was transported to a never ending garden with the most beautiful flowers and plants I had ever seen. The greenest grass, the freshest fruit. Sitting on the bench in the distance was a woman. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. Long flowing blonde hair, a perfect smile, perfect curves. I swear she was an angel. She just sat there on a bench smiling at me. The best part of all this was that I felt no fear, just amazement and ecstasy. It was better than any amount of heroin. I couldn’t believe it. It was the greatest feeling I’ve ever felt, and for the next few hours (I lost track of exactly how long it lasted), I was in complete heaven just staring at her smile. She never moved.

You can’t even imagine it, John. I wasn’t even thinking about the come down, but the absolute first second when I noticed the drugs effects waning, I was transported back to my room. Except it was different. I couldn’t see colour. Everything became black and white. This scared the hell out of me, I didn’t know what was happening. I ran to the bottle to maybe look for some words or anything about side effects. I wasn’t colour blind for fuck’s sake. This isn’t supposed to happen. I picked up the bottle and was looking for any markings on it, when I heard something jingle inside. “What the hell?” I thought. I opened it up, and there, sitting in the bottom of the bottle, was another pill. I swear I heard that girl’s scream again, but I figured it was just the come down and some kind of auditory hallucination.

Fuck it I thought, and snatched it up and swallowed it in one motion. An ear shattering scream floored me, and I was quickly back in the world I had just left. But this time it was different. Everything was still black and white. The girl was still sitting on the bench, but this time her hair was black. Instead of a beautiful smile, it was a disgusting snarl. Her perfect curves gave way to boney arms and legs, bending in ways I didn’t think possible. If the girl I saw before was an angel, this girl was a demon. She also didn’t move. She just sat there snarling, and I couldn’t shake her gaze. I had never been so scared in my life. For what seemed like an eternity, I was completely paralyzed by fear. My mind was only thinking the most disgusting and vile thoughts a person could possibly think of.

After what seemed like another eternity, it disappeared, and I was back in my room. But it wasn’t my room. I was still colour blind. The girl was in my room with me. She became a mixture of both of the hallucinations, the beautiful and the ugly. Half black hair, half white, half snarl, half smile. She still caused me great fear, and at the same time great ecstasy. Her stare still never left my face. She spoke to me once when I finally got past my feelings and pushed some words out of my mouth. I asked her what was happening to me, and where I was. She told me that this is purgatory. She said there was only one way out, and I realized she was talking about the bottle. I jingled the bottle, and sure enough there was another pill inside.

My eyes left the bottle to glance at her one last time, she had got up and was menacingly sprinting at me. I tried to scream, but before the scream left my mouth she was on me and everything became black.

When the darkness cleared and I realized I was awake, I was on the ground outside that dark alley between that shitty thrift store and that market. I was still suffering the bad withdrawal, and my mind kept shifting between what the hell just happened to me, and how the hell I was going to get my fix again. My arm brushed my jacket, and I heard a pill jingle in a bottle in my pocket. I was too scared to take out the bottle and validate my fear that what had just happened to me was real. Finally, overcoming my fear and shivering, I punched my hand into my pocket, and pulled it out. And there in my hand, was the red bottle with the single pill jingling inside.

There was still nobody on the streets, and I still had no way to score. I ran back to my apartment, and here I’ve been for the past 5 days staring at the bottle. I’ve been looking out my window, and I haven’t seen a car or a person since the alley incident. I don’t feel like I’m even on Earth anymore. The withdrawal does not get better, and it does not get worse. It simply is, and I cannot think of anything else. Now I am stuck with the dilemma of the bottle. Do I take the pill? I can’t be sure what happened was real. I am so afraid of going back to that hellish place, but maybe I will get the heaven? I can’t live like this forever. I’ve thought about killing myself, but then I might as well just take the pill and see what happens.

That’s it. I’ve decided it. I’m going to take the pill. I realize now that I might as well already be in hell. As I feel it move down my throat, I hear an ear piercing scream and everything goes black as a man in a white cowboy hat drags me down through the floor.

Credit to: fakeup

#creepypasta #horror microfiction #creepy stories #horror fiction

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garaksapprentice · 1 year

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Today's Knitting is Brought to You By Sleep Deprivation

I had grand plans when I woke up to Get Stuff Done. The world is technically still on holidays, so this is the perfect time to sneak in some good, long writing and weaving sessions. I managed both yesterday. (I was the only human moving in the house for the entire morning. I watered the plants and set up the mister for the chickens, then hit the workroom and didn’t come out for four hours. It was glorious.)

Unfortunately, I slept like absolute crap last night. The weather was obscenely hot yesterday - 37ºC at 5pm - and I sleep on the west side of the house. It was barely down to 28ºC by bedtime, even with a good southerly breeze and a fan pointing directly at me. I kept waking up, tossing, turning, and generally having a terrible time of it. Even some lackadaisical morning gardening and a decent coffee didn’t help.

So I scrapped the “Get Stuff Done” plan, in favour of the far more restful “dick around the house reading and scrolling social media” backup. On the plus side, I finished Sweep of the Blade (Innkeeper Chronicles book 4) by Ilona Andrews before the library took it back. On the minus, I either wait six weeks for my hold on the newest book in the series, or I experience sweet, sweet instant gratification via my Amazon credit.

One nice thing about reading is that I can work on (some) knitted projects at the same time. All the other fibre stuff I do requires my eyeballs to keep things on track. So one of the vests I’m working on finally saw some love for the first time in months.

It’s about five inches longer than it started today, and right about the time I need to stick the live stitches on a thread and try it on for length. I suspect it will still need another inch or three - I want it a touch longer than my current favourite vest, so it hits the top of my jeans/belt properly and keeps my back a bit warmer. I also haven’t given much thought to the edge (though a nice simple 1x1 rib is always a good option).

Once that’s sorted it’s just armbands and a neck band, weave in a few ends, and enjoy one less WIP on the pile. (Shrinking the size of Area 52 is one of my goals for this year. It’s gotten really quite out of hand, and it’s stressing me.)

I’m slightly concerned about the sizing, too, but at this point I’m not averse to felting it down to size if it’s a touch too large. The weatherproofing would be helpful since it’s destined to be a house vest, and house vests often end up worn in the cold, windy rain in around here.

Speaking of WIPs...

After a ~5 year break, I’m back to using Habitica for day-to-day task management. While the vast majority of my project/task management happens in Obsidian (love that app), I found I needed some distance between “everything that I ever need to do, whether today or five years from now” and “stuff I need to get done within the next week or so".

Both my needs and attitude towards task management have changed a lot over the last few years, so I was hesitant to go back to it, but for right now it meets 95% of my needs. It helps that the elder child is old enough to start learning to manage their own stuff, instead of me. The gamification (especially the pets) is catnip to them. Our little two-person party is doing pretty well for a perpetually-stressed adult with too many responsibilities, and an ADHD homeschooled tween with no sense of time.

And, because I just can’t fkn help myself, I joined a Guild. Just one. I learned my lesson from last time. Overwhelm is the shortest path to a quick death for any system. Of course, I have no sense of restraint, so I joined the New Years Resolutions guild. As the name implies, it features monthly challenges to help you plan, set, and work on yearly goals. I traditionally have a few of those, so *shrug* decided to tag along for the ride. Which leads me to...

#HabiticaResolutions

One of the tasks for this month’s Challenge is to post your goals on social media. Historically, I like to keep things close to the chest, since what I decide to do with my life is between me and me. But, in the spirit of experimentation, I decided to give it a go this year. (There’s a version of the Challenge that doesn’t have the “post to social media” task, so you can opt out of it if you really don’t want to share.)

Thus, my goals for this year:

Finish my current novel/write at least 50,000 words of fiction

Work on improving my writing skills via further education

Publish at least one blog post a month

Spend ~2.5 hours per week working on my weaving skills

Finish at least 12 WIPs (1 per month) from Area 52

Make some clothes for me, not just for the kids (at least 2 items)

Yesterday I wrote a touch over 500 words, and spent not quite 1.5 hours weaving. And now I’m throwing a blog post out there. (Tumblr totally counts, right? It’s easier to use than “real” blogging platforms...) So while I’m bummed that I didn’t have the super productive day I envisioned this morning, I’m still happy with how things are going.

#wip #knitting #habiticaresolutions #new year resolutions #tumblr is actually great though #and so is sleep #sleep is the best #fibre arts #fiber arts

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scoups4lyfe · 1 year

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Journal Entries (3)

These are all mood journal entries (so super short / concise) of mine; where I chart my daily moods over a period of time.

These go up to when I stopped mood journaling

(which I didn't start doing again until this last month or so, why I stopped? I don't know I was hypomanic-manic from OCT 2021 up to a majority of 2022; and got caught up in life that I forgot to mood journal. That -- and a lot o the time I felt I was doing "good" and when I'm doing good I forget to journal....lol. Anyways, seeing as I was hypomanic for months on end I, uh....wasn't as 'good' as I thought I was hghgnhghngh.) )

Part: [1], [2], [3], [4] Bipolar PPT Essay: [1], [2], [3], [4], {5}, [6]

ok.

Wednesday August 4th 2021 (43rd)

took meds: yes (8:45 AM)

Mood: 8/10

Energy: 7.7/10 (8:46am)

Woke up at 6AM

(2:43 PM: I still feel pretty good. Mood: 8/10, energy: 7.5/10) :))

I got a lot of work done today: reading, writing, exercising, turning in a job app >:))

...

Friday August 6th 2021 (45th) (2nd)

taken 2 meds: yes x2 (9:48 am)

(10:30 am) m: 6.5/10 e: 6.2/10

(1:33pm) Had 1 shot of espresso in my frapp and dawg. If Jaemin gets

three shots of espresso homie really do be on another plane of existence.

(2 pm) m: 8/10 e: 7.8/10

(5:49 pm) m: 8/10 e: 7.8/10

Did you get work done? Baby you got 8/10 of your work done.

Overall day: Amazing. Brilliant. Fantastic. My crops are watered.

...

Tuesday Aug 10th 2021 (49th) (6th)

taken 2 meds? Yes (11:20 am)

Broooo I couldn’t fall asleep until 5:30am last night and had to be up by 9:30am for my food sensitivity appointment. Rippppp. I feel like crap. I should’ve taken a melatonin.

...

Saturday Aug 14th 2021 (53rd) (10th)

taken two meds? Yes (1:07pm)

M:6/10 e:6/10

I feel nice, pretty normal, a little wired sometimes. I was somewhat productive.

....

Monday Aug 16th 2021 (55th) (12th)

took 2 meds? Yes (6:32 pm)

I don’t really feel good so I’m gonna try and go to sleep (it’s 9:50 pm).

Last night / these last few days I’ve been having trouble sleeping :(.

...

Thursday Aug 19th 2021 (58th) (15th)

took two meds? YES (12:20 pm)

Broooooo I read and read and didn’t stop reading yesterday. Exactly 24 hrs or a bit more— solidly awake.

...

Sunday Sept 5th 2021 (74th) (31st)

took two meds? YES.(12:35 pm)

Mood: 2/10. Energy: ——

No will to do anything. Didn’t want to even get out of bed. Taking my meds helped, but I still didn’t want to do anything and slept all day.

...

Tuesday Sept 7th 2021 (76th) (33rd)

took two meds? YES (3:49 PM)

The no energy/mood to do anything continues.

...

Wednesday Sept 8th 2021 (77th) (34th)

took two meds? YES (7:35 PM)

I slept mostly all day when I didn’t need to…but now I feel a lot better than I did previously?

...

Thursday Sept 9th 2021 (78th) (35th)

took two meds? YES (9:52 pm)

Got obsessive with reading and lost sight of reality

...

?????

NOTE: I black-out from thursday the 9th to Saturday the 11th. I don't remember sh*t that happened at all between that time, hence the '?????' -- Which was actually written down on my phone in the mood journal (LOL)

...

Saturday Sept 11th 2021 (79th) (36th)

took two meds? YES (1:36 pm)

Hmm I feel okay? Maybe a bit tired.

...

Sunday Sept 12th 2021 (80th) (37th)

took two meds? YES (2:17 pm)

I got some work done. But I’m still not in the realm of reality, it seems.

...

Friday Sept 17th 2021 (85th) (42nd)

took two meds? YES (5:51 pm)

Really struggling to get work done, but I at least did a little bit today. (Seeing as I haven’t done sh*t in like 10 days :///)

...

Saturday Sept 18th 2021 (86th) (43rd)

took two meds? YES (5:51pm)

Got a shit ton of work done both with writing and I did all of my laundry!!

...

Tuesday Sept 21st 2021 (88th) (45th)

took two meds? YES

(Basically skipped Monday cause I slept through Monday …)

...

Monday: Oct 18th 2021 (115) (72)

took two meds? YES (12 pm)

For the last two weeks I’ve slept only 4 hours each night. Sometimes less. But I’m not tired?

...

Monday Oct 25th 2021 (122) (79)

took two meds? Yes (11:46 am)

I slept perhaps 2 hrs last night (9am to 11:30 am) but God is with me and I feel good and awake. So praise God. Thank you Lord, Amen. <333

Mood: 7.5/10. Energy:7.5/10

[End of Mood Journal Entries]

NOTE: Moving forward the rest of the entries are from my journal and then my online journal -- the mood journaling only continues around OCT and NOV of 2022

[Prev] [Next]

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mystery-star · 1 year

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Ladies and Gentlemen – Ben Wade (Part 3 / 4)

Pairing: Ben Wade x fem!reader

Warnings: mentions of death, attempted sexual assault

Words: 2810

Series Navigation: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

Please do not repost my work on other sites or platforms!

This morning, the floor of the carriage felt much softer and when you opened your eyes you realized that you weren’t inside the vehicle but had slept outside, on the ground. You let out a groan and rubbed your face. Hopefully your mother hadn’t noticed or she would lecture you again. Or assume the worst.

“Mornin’” you heard the outlaw, Ben, say as you sat up “Coffee?”

“Do you have tea?” you asked, knowing it was probably futile anyways

“No, I’m sorry Miss” you nodded

“Then I’ll take the coffee with sugar and a little milk.” he chuckled

“Haven’t that either”

“Oh” you looked down at your hands “What else do you have?”

“Water or whiskey” without a word you took your water canteen and took some sips. Now that the water wasn’t already a couple of days old it tasted bad but was better than nothing. He took a metal cup with coffee for himself, rummaged the saddlebag and tossed you something. It was a piece of bread. When you took a bite you realized it was hard but since you were hungry, you ate it anyways. “May I join you?” he said as he sat down next to you

“Yes” you said, chewing on the bread

“Sorry ‘bout that too” he nodded at the bread in your hand

“It’s alright. Better than no food” he chuckled and took a sip from his cup “Aren’t you hungry too?”

“No” he replied, taking another sip.

“(Y/N)!” you heard from the carriage and saw your mother standing there “Where have you been all night? I was afraid wild animals had eaten you!”

“I just fell asleep outside” you said. It was the truth, you had wanted to go sleeping in the carriage but must have fallen asleep on the ground at some point.

“And what have you been doing outside?”

“She wanted to be by herself” the man said “Couldn’t do that in the carriage. But no worries, I’ve been there and have protected her”

“Have you talked to him again?” your mother asked with disgust

“Just what was necessary” you replied

“It’s not necessary at all! What have you done to my daughter?”

“Never did anything. And won’t in the future” she took a deep breath

“Get away from her right now!” to your surprise he listened and walked over to the carriage to help your mother out. For a moment it seemed like she wanted to refuse but then took his hand anyways and came over to you “What have you done to your dress and hair? It’s a mess and filthy!”

“I know. I am sorry, mother”

“You better be. Come now” she held out her hand and although you didn’t want to, you took it and let her pull you to the carriage. However, she didn’t enter and just pulled out her bag and then lead you behind the carriage to get your appearance under control. To your surprise, Watts body was gone and after you shortly considered what could have happened to it, you dismissed the thoughts. The man was gone and didn’t deserve your attention. During the whole process of prettying you up, your mother scolded you for your behavior and of course voiced her thought that you had slept with the outlaw. She also warned you that she would tell your fiancé about all this and have him deal with it as he deemed fit. That it would be your fault if he didn’t want you anymore and you landed on the street or with a less than perfect match because of this. After you were done, she led you back to the front of the carriage, demanding the outlaw helped you inside. When he took our hand, he pulled you slightly closer.

“You look stunningly beautiful” he whispered in your ear and pressed a kiss to it before helping you up. Oddly, you didn’t even know what to think of the kiss. It hadn’t really upset you but you knew it should. At least your mother hadn’t noticed anything of it so you decided to keep your mouth shut about it.

A couple of hours later you heard hooves approaching and looked out of the window.

“Oh why, finally” your mother sighed

“Is that Mr. Franklin?” you asked and she nodded with a smile. You gulped. When you opened the door no one came to help you. A glance around told you that the outlaw had taken his horse and left, leaving some of the materials in the camp behind. Now you couldn’t even thank him properly. The men reached you and the one at the front dismounted his horse, walking over to the carriage.

“There you are! We’re glad to find you both unharmed”

“We were ambushed. It was dreadful!” your mother complained. Another man came closer and took off his hat.

“Mrs. (Y/L/N). Miss” he gave a little bow and offered you his hand. When you took it he helped you out and then pecked your knuckles “I’m Michael Franklin”

“Hello, Mr. Franklin. It’s nice to meet you, Sir” you replied.

“I trust you’re alright, concerning the circumstances?”

“I am fine, yes. It was scary but… it’s over now”

“What have they done to you? Did they touch you?”

“No” you said “one of them tried to but the other one stopped him”

“Stopped him? So he could have a go?”

“No. He promised to keep us safe and he didn’t want to break the promise” Mr. Franklin didn’t look like he believed you and to make it all worse, your mother told her version of the story. That she believed you had been a little too close to the leader, Ben. You had to admit, she had a point – that you shouldn’t have talked to him that much – but the rest was just outrageous. And it appeared that also your fiancé was not pleased at all.

“Aren’t you ashamed of yourself?” he asked you

“I did nothing wrong or indecent” you defended yourself.

“And you call your mother a liar?”

“No. It is what she believes is true. She just never bothered to talk to me about it before and to consider my point of view”

“You are quite insolent, you know that?” you didn’t reply, earning a hard glare from your mother. “Where is the outlaw now?”

“He left” you said “His horse is gone; he must have heard or seen you coming and disappeared” Mr. Franklin turned to one of his men, ordering him to look around to check if he could see him somewhere

“Who was he even, the outlaw?”

“I don’t know” you said “He didn’t give me his name. I mean just his Christian name. Ben” he nodded and the men who had first gotten off the horse, who had been inspecting the carriage while you were talking, reported that it was broken and couldn’t be moved with what they had.

“Well, we’ll have to take you on horseback then. Can you ride?”

“No” both you and your mother answered.

“We will manage” he assured you, took your hand and led you over to his own horse “Perhaps you would like to ride with me?” while you appreciated the fact to get his help you didn’t know if you wanted to share a horse and be close to him for an extended period of time.

“I would like that” you answered before you could think about it. From a distance you heard a shot, then someone shouting he had sighted Ben. Your fiancé more or less pushed you away and mounted the horse, intending to go after him “No!” you protested

“No? Scared I get hurt?” he replied in a mocking tone. Suddenly you realized you didn’t really care about Mr. Franklins welfare. But the outlaw’s. You didn’t think it was justified if he got caught now. After all, he had saved your life - probably more than once - and you had to try the same, now that you had the chance.

“That is just one reason” you replied “It may also be fruitless and I would prefer to leave sooner rather than later. Besides, after what he did for us – for me – I think it is right if you let him go. I might be dead without him”

“It’s his fault this happened”

“No” you defended him “He told me that they wanted to ambush a coach that carried money from a bank. Turns out one of his associates mixed up the carriages in the town we stayed overnight, so they followed and held up the wrong one. He would not hold up normal carriages and rob people of their personal belongings”

“That surely was a lie. Who would do such a thing? No outlaw is that considerate of others. You are blinded by him”

“I am not” you raised your voice and regretted it. What if he was right? What if Ben had manipulated you? After all he had saved your life, hoping it would make him more trustworthy in your eyes. Maybe, he would have tried to seduce you in the end. You let out a gasp of disgust. “Can’t we just leave?” you asked, not wanting to think about it further.

“You are trying to protect him. Maybe your mother is right…” some of the men were murmuring and you heard the blood rushing in your ears. “Tell me, why should I even take you with us? Who says you wouldn’t prefer to stay out here with your new friend?”

“He is not my friend. And you cannot leave me here. I am your fiancée!”

“Then you should behave as such” at least he turned his horse back around and told someone to help your mother onto a horse and ride with her. You swallowed

“You cannot leave me” you breathed. For a while, he just looked at you, then ordered you to apologize. As you did so, you could feel tears in your eyes since you felt humiliated. Yes, maybe you had not reacted as you should have. But these were special circumstances. Had you not been out here, you would have not deigned to look at the outlaw.

To your dismay, you had to camp outside yet another night before you reached the destination. However, your mother seemed to hate it even more than you did and somehow, a part of you couldn’t help but feel a little glee. In the middle of the night, a nightmare about Watts woke you.

“Everything alright?” you heard Mr. Franklin ask. Apparently, he was still keeping his watch. He got up and sat down beside you.

“Yes, I am well. It was only a dream” giving a nod, he placed a hand on your leg and you glanced at him in confusion. He surely knew he had no right to touch you like this before you were married? Or at least agreed to such a touch.

“Whatever it was, you’re safe now” you nodded

“I know. But I suppose I won’t feel really safe until we have reached safe territory again” realizing you had to pee, you got up and excused yourself. On your way back to the others, Mr. Franklin came towards you.

“I want to hear the truth. Everything”

“Everything what?”

“What happened out there. From the beginning, all the details”

“You do not trust me” you guessed “There is no reason to. I did nothing that should have you worry”

“I’ll decide that for myself” when you kept silent he took hold of your upper arms “Tell me” he ordered angrily. “I want you to tell me everything that happened”

“Nothing happened” you insisted

“Your behavior clearly says the opposite” he almost pushed you away. Suddenly you started to doubt if he really was a gentleman. What if he had just played one at the time he had been at your place to ask for your hand? On the other hand, he had been sharing a bottle of alcohol with his friends. That surely had an effect on him too. And yet… if he did drink so much he was intoxicated, did he still qualify as a gentleman?

“I demand that you leave me alone” he chuckled

“You let that outlaw come close, you surely haven’t anything against me – your fiancé – being close?”

“You are drunk” you stated matter-of-factly. “I want us both to return to the others and that you pass your watch to someone sober!” you tried to walk past him but he grabbed your arm.

“You’re not going anywhere before you told me what happened with the outlaw”

“We talked. And after he saved me from a rattlesnake I clung to him until I calmed down” you answered “That is all” he made no move to do something, so you tried to break free, resulting in him pulling you closer.

“Show me you are still my betrothed. Kiss me”

“I will not kiss you because you ask me to. Besides, it is improper without a chaperone. To even be here with you alone” when he mentioned it had been the same while you had been with Ben, you weren’t even surprised. “At least he had the decency to respect my wishes” you retorted before you could even think about it. When he hit you across the face, you regretted your words, even though they were the truth.

“I should simply leave you here when we continue. I don’t want a lying whore as wife” he is simply drunk, you tried to tell yourself but you still felt tears forming in your eyes at his words.

“Are you breaking the engagement?” you choked out. Your mother would be fuming and blame you. Although, she probably was right. It was partly your fault. There was a grin on his face and he dropped his shotgun to the ground.

“Well, if I do, I don’t need to hold back anymore, huh?” he let go of your arm but it wandered down to your hip, pulling you closer again.

“No!” you had wanted to scream but your voice was just a whisper. Frantically, you tried to push him away. Again you tried to scream for help but placing his hand over your mouth, he effectively muffled most of it.

“Bad idea, really” it took you a while to realize it had not been Mr. Franklin who spoke. There was someone behind him, holding a rifle “Dropping your weapon for any reason” only now you recognized it was Ben. He must have followed you!

“Who are you and what do you want?” instead of a reply he hit your fiancé with the weapon, making him groan and let go of you.

“What I want is that you leave the lady alone” after a hit to the head, Mr. Franklin dropped to the ground. Letting out a deep breath you glanced down at him and swallowed, before you set your eyes on the outlaw.

“Ben” you whispered, not sure what to do or to say

“I see, you finally do use my name” he stepped closer and his hand was on your cheek “You hurt? What’d he do?”

“No. He did not much. Luckily. Thank you” he pulled you against his chest and placed a hand on your back. Oddly, you didn’t fight him but did nothing to return the hug either. “What are you doing here?”

“Rescuing my damsel in distress again, obviously” you couldn’t help but smile

“No, I meant why you are here. I thought you had left”

“Well, I did. But not too far. Wanted to see if that’s really your fiancé and that you’re doing fine ‘fore I turned and left for good”

“But you didn’t”

“Had a feeling about that guy” he nodded his head to your unconscious fiancé “Turns out I was right” you couldn’t determine how to feel. Glad he cared about you and wanted to be sure you’re safe? Or rather annoyed and angry he had distrusted a gentleman? Although, he probably had been right about that, given Mr. Franklin’s latest actions. “What are we gonna do now?”

“Huh?”

“I for one don’t think your fiancé will take what just happened well. I don’t want him to hurt you again and I can’t follow you to the end of the world, even though I’d like to”

“He talked about breaking our engagement”

“Makes him even less predictable for as long as you’re with him”

“The other men surely could stop him. Or-or what if you followed us again until we reached the edge of the city? Then I could arrange for a way home. Or somewhere else because there is not much left for me at home” he let go of you but only so he could look into your eyes.

“What if I brought you somewhere? Wherever you’d like?”

#3:10 to yuma #Ben Wade #ben wade x reader #ben wade imagine #ben wade x you

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kaunis-sielu · 3 years

Text

Fire Dogs

The fires had been blazing for weeks now, inching closer and closer to your home and firefighters were pouring in. You’d decided to stay, the fire was mostly moving away from town, thank god. The mayor had said that people who were willing to stay and help care for the hordes of firefighters pouring into town were appreciated. So even though you were a single Omega, you’d signed up. You could take in 2-6 firefighters depending on if they were willing to share a bed with one another and if you needed to sleep on the couch. You’d been assigned 3 men, all from New York City, one a Captain and all of them Alphas.

When you open the door as they walk up your sidewalk the first, a man with light hair and blue eyes, gives you a tight smile.

“Hi, welcome. I have a dog, is that okay?” The three men don’t even have to look at one another before all nodding yes. “Great, come on in.” You move out of the doorway and the three men come into the house.

“Thank you so much for opening your home to us.” The first man says, god he smells good, like sandalwood and lavender.

“It’s the least I could do.” You introduce yourself as your dog comes trotting into the room, Cooper’s tail wagging wildly. “But you can call me Fawn, and this is Cooper.”

“Sorry, I’m Steve Rogers, this is Bucky Barnes and Sam Wilson.” The first man says introducing himself and the two men with him.

“It’s a pleasure. I’ll show you guys to your rooms.” You lead them upstairs and show them each to a room. Bucky takes your first spare room, Sam the second and Steve is in the master.

“Buck, you’ve got third shift, Sam you’re on first and I’m on second.”

“Do we start today?” Bucky asks as you make your way downstairs, you were given a small packet for the guys, things you would need to know like allergies, presentation, emergency contacts and dietary restrictions. All three are simple, no dietary issues, no allergies, Alphas, Sam has his wife Carol as his emergency contact but Steve and Bucky, or James as he’s listed, both have Rebecca Barnes, Bucky’s sister.

You get started on dinner and Sam wanders down into the kitchen bringing his

“So, why didn’t you leave town?”

“Nowhere to go. And the fire is heading away from here so hopefully everything will stay away from town.”

“The smoke doesn’t bother you?”

“I mean it’s not great but as long as Coop and I are okay I plan on staying. I’ve got some stuff packed up in my car and ready to go but I just haven’t pulled the trigger yet.”

“That’s fair. We do really appreciate you doing this. Letting us stay here.” He’s got such a soothing presence about him that you forget he’s an Alpha until his scent washes over you.

“It’s the least I can do,” you tell him with a smile, “so what does first shift mean?”

“Oh, it’s the really early shift, like 4am. Steve will be out running a crew since he’s a Captain back home and he’s around 10am then Bucky is 4pm.”

“What will I need for you in the morning? Breakfast? Coffee? Energy bars?”

“Coffee would be great. I usually take it with milk.” You jot down coffee and milk on a sheet of paper.

“How do the other two take their coffee?”

“Barnes likes it black, like a psychopath and Steve likes it with cream and sugar so he can’t taste the coffee.” You laugh and jot down creamer.

“Any chance you know what kind of creamer he likes?”

“Caramel I think.”

“I can always ask him too. I’ll set the coffee to go off at 3:15 for you.”

“Thank you.” Sam says as he sits down at the island. “What are you making for dinner?”

“Spaghetti. I make the sauce from scratch, from the garden.”

“It smells great.”

“Thanks, should be about a half hour. I’ve got meatballs in the oven and will have some garlic bread and green beans from my garden too.”

“You’re going to spoil us huh?” He says with a grin and you laugh, hoping that your suppressants work like they’re supposed to and keep you presenting as a Beta.

“I don’t get to cook for others often so I’m being a little selfish. Let me know if you need anything from town or want me to get anything. I’ll go shopping for the week tomorrow.”

“Are they paying you to host us?”

“No, but I don’t mind getting you guys stuff.”

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely, I wouldn’t offer if it was a problem.” You assure him and after studying you he nods.

“I’ll be sure to let the guys know.” You chat with Sam while you cook. You learn that his wife Carol is an Alpha and a doctor. The Alpha/Alpha pair is uncommon but if it works for them that’s wonderful. You also learn that he, Bucky and Steve served together and that Carol had outranked all three.

It seems that Steve has always been the one to lead their little trio, and when the smell of dinner lures him and Bucky down you include them in the conversation. Bucky, whose scent is oranges and cedar wood, is more chatty and flirty than Steve is but there’s this quiet strength about Steve that’s impossible not to notice.

Sam goes to bed immediately after dinner but Steve and Bucky stay up and watch the news with you. You set the coffee machine for Sam and leave him a note to help himself to anything he wants to eat. Then you bring Cooper outside, he wanders your wildfire lit backyard, the orange glow is spooky and the smell of smoke is thick in the air.

“Come on Coop, it’s bedtime.” You tell him leading him to the living room. Both Steve and Bucky are gone so you change into your pajamas and get ready for bed in the bathroom then head back to the couch where Cooper is laying dead center. “Move it Coop.” He grumbles but gets down, once you’re settled you let him back up on the couch between your feet.

You wake up as Sam closes the fridge.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.” He says softly. When he turns and sees you sitting up on the couch.

“No it’s okay.” You tell him as Cooper hops off of the couch. You follow him to the back door and let him out.

“Why are you sleeping on the couch?”

“They needed three more beds so I gave them three more beds.”

“We put you out of your room?” He asks with a small frown.

“I sleep more on the couch anyway, I usually fall asleep to one baking show or another.” You tell him with a sleepy smile, you hadn’t meant to tell them they’d taken all your beds but it was too late now.

“This is your home.”

“Seriously Sam don’t worry about it.” You say letting Cooper back into the house. “Be safe.”

“Thanks.” He says and you go back to bed on the couch.

The next time you wake it’s 9:00 and you want to make sure that you’ve got something ready for Bucky and Steve for breakfast so you get up. You feed Cooper then let him out again, if there wasn’t the fire you’d let him stay outside as long as he wanted. You sit down on the couch and pull your tablet into your lap. Cooper joins you on the couch as you start to draw your characters.

“Morning.” Steve’s voice is low and soft when he greets you.

“Good morning. There are pancakes, scrambled eggs, hash browns and bacon in the oven. The pans will be warm.”

“Thanks,” you hear him help himself to food and coffee then he comes out into the living room. “Do you mind if I join you?”

“Not at all. Don’t let Coop fool you into any food though.”

“No people food for him?”

“Just some fruit and veggies.” You tell him glancing up at the fire captain. “So Sam said you guys were on a 4-10-4 start time but what time are you all home?”

“We’re doing 12 hour shifts, so Sam and Buck don’t overlap but I will with both.”

“Okay, I’ll have dinner ready when you get back. Is there anything that I don’t have that you need? Sam said you liked a certain flavor of creamer.”

“The French vanilla is fine.”

“He said caramel?” You glance over at him again and he has this little shy smile on his face. “I don’t mind, I need to go get groceries anyway.”

“Caramel is my favorite.” He admits and you nod then get back to your drawing. He finishes his breakfast in silence then puts his dishes into the dishwasher, Steve heads back upstairs and you hear him finish getting ready before he comes back down.

“Be safe.”

“Thanks.” He says before closing the door softly behind him.

Bucky sleeps until almost noon, you’ve taken breakfast out of the oven and put it in the fridge. He somehow looks groggy still and you’re worried he didn’t sleep well.

“Good morning.”

“Morning. How are you?” His voice is low and husky.

“Good. Did you sleep okay?”

“Yea I slept great. I could still be asleep to be honest but I might get called in early.”

“Why?”

“There are less guys at base camp right now. Apparently a group of them had some trouble on the way? I don’t know but Steve called.”

“Breakfast is in the fridge if you wanna heat it otherwise I have lunch meat and stuff for sandwiches.”

“I love breakfast food.” He says making his way to the fridge. He starts a cup of coffee then opens the fridge.

You find out that Bucky is a chatter. Which is fine but you’re glad that you’re illustrating today rather than writing because there’s no way you’d be able to focus on writing. He asks you about living in the small town, how you ended up here, about your job, when he finds out you’re an author and illustrator of children’s books he promises to buy his niece a couple books. You tell him to leave his address and you’ll send him a signed copy of the one you’re working on, he excitedly does.

When he leaves at 3:30, not being called in early, you take a break and start on dinner. You want to make sure you’ve got food ready for Sam when he gets back.

Sam comes in at 4:45, Cooper barks excitedly and Sam sinks to the ground and Cooper immediately calms allowing Sam to wrap his arms around him. You don’t say anything, just continue to cook while Sam hugs Cooper to him. You hear him talking softly but you ignore him, whatever he’s saying to Coop is none of your business.

“I’m gonna go take a shower before I eat.” Sam says at full volume, the side of his face still pressed to Cooper’s side.

“That’s fine,” you assure him, “I’ve got about twenty minutes before the rice is done.”

“Okay.” He disappears then Cooper comes wandering into the kitchen. You give him a couple of treats and tell him what a good boy he is.

Sam eats in silence then goes up to his room, you’re pretty sure he goes to bed by 7 but after the day he’s had you can’t blame him.

At 10 you start reheating food for when Steve comes in. Sure enough, 10:30 rolls in and so does Steve. Cooper greets Steve with a wagging tail, Steve gives him a little pat and heads upstairs. You hear the shower turn on and after around 10 minutes Steve is back dropping down on the couch as Cooper puts a head in his lap. Steve absently pets Cooper and you place a plate of food in front of him.

“Thank you.” His tired eyes meet yours and he gives you a little half smile.

“It’s the least I can do.” You tell him sincerely. Cooper stays with his head in Steve’s lap until Steve goes upstairs to bed. You set up your bed on the couch and set your alarm for 3:30 in the morning so you can get food heated for Bucky and coffee and food started for Sam.

You fall asleep still smelling Steve on your couch.

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twinklelilstarkey · 3 years

Text

Relieved - Matthew Tkachuk

Words: 1.7k+

Type: Fluff

Summary: Matthew has to go back to work just days after you give birth to his son and he absolutely hates it.

Warnings: Female!Reader. Anxiety (maybe, separation anxiety). Kinda rude Matty. Mentions of soreness and lack of sleep (from birth).

It has been 2 days since you were dismissed from the hospital. Two days since you have officially become a mother. And two days since you haven’t slept a full night without waking up at least 4 times during it.

Your body is still very sore, but medicine helps. Yet it’s not like you move a lot around the house.

Matthew, your boyfriend and dad of your kid, does not let you get up most times the baby cries. He always says that he will check and then if you’re needed, he’ll bring the baby to you. All of this because he knows that you’re tired and really doesn’t want you to tire yourself out further or go through any pain from how sore you are, over something that he can do.

Bad thing work calls quick. You’ll be on maternity leave for at least one more month, but Matt? Yeah, no, his team supposedly already needs him back.

And he’s not happy about it.

“Baby, I’ll be fine.” You tell him in a low whisper. “You don’t have to worry that much.”

He clenches his jaw and looks out of the window, clearly annoyed. He’s not wearing a shirt and is holding the newborn baby close to his chest as he sleeps peacefully.

Matt looks down at his son, staring at his small chubby face with adoration, as it is kind of smooshed against his warm skin, which makes his lips slightly parted, and he continues to contemplate calling his coach and just announce his absence last minute.

“He’ll probably still be asleep when you come back.” You tell him, gaining his attention again. “We’ll both be fine.”

“And if something happens?” He asks, also in a whisper, “I won’t be able to pick up the phone and come home.”

“Your mom is just a few blocks away at the hotel, remember?” You ask softly, “I promise that if something happens she’ll be the first person I call.”

He thinks about it for a second and looks down at the baby again.

“She’ll probably get here in less than 2 minutes too.” You add to lighten the mood.

A grin appears over his lips at the sound of your words and he gives his head a slight shake. You smile and he leans away from the wall beside the bedroom window.

Matthew sits down beside you on the side of the bed and you move a bit to sit closer to him. You two look down at the sleeping baby, admiring him as if he’s just the most peaceful thing in the world and didn’t wail his little lungs out just about half an hour ago.

You lean your cheek against Matthew’s naked shoulder and he lays his head against yours, letting the two of you sit in the peaceful silence as he rethinks his options.

“I’ll go.” He finally whispers, “But promise me you’ll call my mom right away. And that you’ll always have your phone with you.”

“I promise.” You say with a slight grin.

You lift your head off his shoulder really slowly, so he can lift his first, and you move a bit on the bed to move in even closer to him. You give a quick kiss on the lips before giving him two more on the cheek and offer him a smile.

“Everything’s going to be fine.” You tell him in a whisper.

(...)

Throughout the warmups and game, Matthew’s mind is going a mile a second.

Sure, he’s a professional athlete, he’s supposed to be able to put everything in the back of his mind and only focus on the game and nothing else. But it doesn’t really work that way.

From the time he stepped foot outside of the apartment and inside the arena, he feels like his heart is continuously skipping beats and accelerating for no reason.

And the fact that everyone that would see him walking to or around the locker room would congratulate him for the second time for being a first-time dad, is just making matters worse.

How is he supposed to be focused on something when everyone just keeps on reminding him who he has at home?

Warm-ups were awful, he just wanted to do one more lap, go take his gear off, and go home. It’s going to take him hours to leave that place and knowing that is just worsening this whole situation.

You, on the other hand, are more than calm. To be completely honest, you’re sitting in bed half-asleep for most of the time. As well as the baby, who is sleeping on his little crib beside your bed, peacefully, as the game plays in a soft mumble on your bedroom’s TV.

You’ve also now come to realize that the voices of the casters over the sound of blades on the ice are surprisingly relaxing when left at a certain volume. To you, at least, a mother who hasn’t slept more than 3 hours for the past few days.

While you were taking your very peaceful nap, Matthew was still a nervous wreck. He’s made sure that one of his trainers has his phone just in case something happens. Something that, of course, they never do but today is the big exception.

And surprisingly, he scored in the second period.

Matthew honestly felt like he was on autopilot the whole game, so it even came as a shock to him that he did it. Which some people did notice since he had a more confused look on his face than anything while everyone around him celebrated.

And right as the game went to intermission, he thought he was being able to put home aside for a second. But that was only until the god damn intermission interview.

“Congratulations on the new addition to the family , by the way. How’s everything going back home?”

Damn you, whoever decided to make that question. He did answer with a smile and a soft tone, seeming to everyone like he’s an under-control-over-his-emotions dad and not at all freaking the fuck out.

You? Still fast asleep. Just like the baby.

By the time the third period reached its half, Matthew was already seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

He’s almost home.

And you? Well, this time you’re not asleep anymore. You’re changing a diaper and then comforting your very small baby against your upper chest as you walk around the house.

It still amazes you how such a small being can scream so loud.

You used the opportunity of being up on your feet and with the baby with you to go actually eat something. Which was kind of hard to do with only one hand, but not impossible.

You texted back Chantal, Matt’s mom, just to let her know that you are okay and that you were even able to take a nap, which as an answer you got all types of celebration emojis.

Everything was going pretty okay and honestly, that nap worked wonders with you. You felt exhausted when Matthew left, and now you feel as strong as ever. Still sore, but strong.

After eating and drinking tones of water, you walked back to the bedroom to watch the end of the game. You had to eventually feed the baby as well but that went fairly easy.

You had to give yourself a pat on the back after this whole thing, everything went so well that it seemed like you’re truly getting the hang of it. For now, at least.

The game ended, the Flames won, and Matthew was ready to go home.

That is until he’s told that he has press to do. He swears he almost hit someone with his stick or even helmet. Like, come on, people!

And this time he did not have the smile nor a soft tone, he looked pissed, which some people found funny.

At least some questions were quick and easy to answer, but there still were the quite annoying ones he’s grown accustomed to.

He was out of his chair as soon as the words ‘the questions are do-’ left someone's mouth. Rude? Probably, but today is not the day to throw that in his face.

The shower was probably the quickest one he’s ever taken and he thinks he didn’t even dry himself off completely when he started getting dressed.

Speeding out of the parking lot, home he went.

He doesn’t even think he parked his car correctly, but he was out of the car and inside the house in a matter of seconds.

You heard him from the bedroom let his bag fall by the lobby of the house and his quick footsteps over the wooden floor of the hallway.

A few seconds later, Matthew appears in the bedroom’s doorway and his eyes are staring down at you right away.

“Hi!” You say with a smile.

“Did he sleep this whole time?” He asks, a slight shock on his face.

“No,” You say with a smile, “But he might go to sleep again in a few.”

You look down at the small baby and you hear Matthew making his way to the bed. He ignores the fact that he’s still wearing his very uncomfortable suit and sits next to you, leaning his back against the headboard while eyeing his son staring at the ceiling while what looks like chewing on his tongue.

“Do you want to hold him?” You ask him as he stares intensely.

A shy smile grows on his face and you smile back as you see that as a big ol’ silent yes.

You lean away from the bed’s headboard and turn a bit to Matthew to get a better angle. He slowly and safely takes his baby from your arms, who automatically leans on whatever warmth is next to him - that being Matt’s chest.

Matt doesn’t feel stressed, anxious, mad, or even tired anymore. He just feels relieved that he’s back home.

You look at two of them and your heart completely melts at the image you swear you can look at for the rest of your life.

What is there not to love about this?

Baby fever is still going strong, so I had to write this, don’t hate me.

#Matthew tkachuk #matthew tkachuk imagine #matthew tkachuk imagines #matthew tkachuk x reader #matthew tkachuk fanfic #nhl imagines #nhl imagine #hockey imagines #hockey imagine

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onceupon · 3 years

Text

London Boy - Part 4: Just friends

summary: You wake up to find Rafe Cameron in your bed. Even though nothing happened, you’re still left trying to make sense of it all.

pairing: Rafe x reader (slowburn)

warnings: swearing, drinking

word count: 5k

a/n: thank you so much to all of you who have been reading along <333 sorry in advance if you want this to progress faster haha, it simply must be this slow, sorry I don't make the rules (even tho I do lol). Not canon Rafe!!

masterlist

Your eyes slowly flutter open as the early morning rays wake you up. You didn’t even remember falling asleep. As you slowly gain consciousness you’re startled by the weight of Rafe’s arm draped across your body. What the hell? When did that happen? He spent the night in your bed?

Your mind races at a million miles an hour as you slowly slip out from under his hold. You were careful not to wake him up, not wanting to face any awkwardness. You throw on fresh clothes and grab your backpack, desperate to make your escape. You had wanted to get to school early today to work on some homework anyways, never before so eager to trade in the comfort of your bed for the library.

After a quick pit stop to pick up a coffee and a croissant, you swing the heavy wooden doors open. You liked campus at this hour, the morning light still soft, the air crisp, and the atmosphere silent. As you scan your eyes for a spot to sit, you notice the unmistakable sight of fluffy brown hair hunched over a table.

“Liam?” your whisper. “What the hell are doing here?”

That classic cheeky grin spreads across his face as he looks up to find you standing in front of him. “I go here, Y/n. Forget already?”

You roll your eyes, “I just didn’t know you were the studious type.”

“Not gonna lie to you babe, I’m not. But Rogers is already all the way up my ass over this class, and I’m not letting that prick hold me back a year.”

You pull out the chair across from him and go to sit down, spreading your books out on the table.

“Who said you could sit with?” he asks, and you shoot him a look. You’re not in the mood. “Geez alright, someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed… you good Y/n?” he slows, taking in your disheveled appearance. You hadn’t so much as brushed your hair.

“Can you promise not to tell anyone,” you stare dead into his eyes.

“On my life,” he extends his pinky, and you accept.

“Rafe… slept over last night…”

“Oh shit!” he exclaims, and your eyes widen at his echoing voice.

“Not like that,” you hiss, not wanting to draw anymore attention to the two of you. “Nothing happened… like he just came over to watch a show and then we talked for a while and just accidentally… fell asleep. I panicked when I woke up and realized he was still in my bed so I ran out of there as fast as I could and now…. well now I’m here.” You nervously chug your coffee, heart racing.

“So he hung out with you all night and didn’t make a move?”

You nod, nervously awaiting his analysis as you take a bite of your croissant.

“Damn, boy must really like you,” he muses.

“What? Definitely not,” you scoff.

“Y/n, let me tell you a little something about guys. If we really like you, we’re gonna make the time to hang out with you, no matter what. The fact that he’s coming over your room to watch a show and hanging out with you until he physically can’t stay awake - I mean I can’t make it any more obvious to you.”

“I don’t know I just don’t think so… You don’t know Rafe like that, he’s a total player back home. He can pull any girl he wants, so if he liked me like that he would’ve done something by now. This is probably how he is with all his friends and I’m just reading too much into it. I’m sure Lily Colts will be in his bed soon enough,” you mumble. That last part stings in particular, you had already thought it, but saying it out loud made you feel… icky.

“I may not know Rafe like that, but I know guys like him. I am guys like him. He likes you Y/n. So what if he pulls a lot of chicks, he doesn’t actually care about them. But he cares about you, probably can’t even understand why, and now it’s like bam Uno reverse. He can’t pull the cards he normally does, and now you’ve got him confused and he doesn’t know what to do. Man’s down bad. Give him time though, he’ll come around,” he explains to you calmly, stealing your coffee cup from you and taking a sip.

“Honestly can I just start paying you to figure my life out for me. You make everything seem so simple.”

“Because it is simple. You insist on complicating it. But I know how you could pay me,” he adds with a wink and you shoot him a glare. You know he’s just joking (partially), he loves pushing your buttons.

“Well whatever. I’ll believe it when I see it,” you resign on the Rafe matter. You wanted to believe what Liam was saying but it didn’t quite make sense to you. You were only going to drive yourself crazy trying to read between lines that you weren’t sure existed. Rafe was just used to situations like this with girls. To him last night was probably no big deal. It was to you though. You would never let ‘just a friend’ stay over like that, with his arm around you no less. But Rafe didn’t need to know that, you decide.

—-

You manage to avoid Rafe all day, not having any classes with him on Friday’s. As soon as your last class is over, you sprint home, relieved when you’re the first back at the flat and can quickly slip into your room undetected. You set down your bag and sit on the edge of your bed. Your hand slowly runs over your comforter, still ruffled from where Rafe had been laying the night before. The indent of his head is still on your pillow; you can almost smell the scent of him lingering in your room and hear the sound of his soft whispers. You wonder what his first thoughts were when he woke up in your bed alone - was he confused? Embarrassed? He probably thought nothing of it at all. You can just picture him casually getting up with a stretch, like it’s the start of any typical day.

You slip into the shower and let the water wash over your body. It’s warm and soothing, and it’s reminding you of Rafe laying next to you, of his arm wrapped around you. God if there was only a way to shut your brain off once in a while. As much as you tried to suppress it, there had been a tiny part of you that was happy to have woken up in his embrace, giddy like a school girl with a crush. You’d always wondered how a moment like that would feel, or how a moment like that with him would feel. You had conveniently failed to mention the “arm” detail to Liam, maybe because in the back of your mind you knew it would only help prove his theory right.

When you make your way back to your room, your phone buzzes and the Royal Fam 🇬🇧🇺🇸 group chat appears.

Olivia: who wants to go out tonight 😈

Topper: me and Rafe have to be up early tmrw for soccer - rain check on this one ladies

Olivia: :(

Olivia: girls night out??

Millie: you know I’m there!

You’re a little bummed that Rafe won’t be there tonight. But a girls night sounds like just what you need to get him off your mind.

Y/n: I’m in :)

Not even a few minutes later Olivia and Millie are barging into your room, causing you to let out a startled yelp.

“My god, heard of knocking,” you exhale with your hand coming to your chest. Your statement falls on death ears.

“Which jeans with this top,” Olivia asks, holding the clothing items against her body.

“Should I curl or straighten my hair with this,” Millie follows, holding her outfit up.

“Uhh,” your mind scrambles, “those jeans Liv. And straight, Mills,” you reply, shocked by your own decidedness. “But now you guys have to help me, I have no clue what to wear.”

“Say less,” Olivia flashes a smile.

Within minutes they tear through your closet, picking out your outfit. Things were always much more clear with a fresh set of eyes. The three of you discuss the night’s logistics before making your way to the kitchen - couldn’t go drinking on an empty stomach. Rafe and Topper are already there, and you try your best to act natural even though your stomach ties itself in a knot the moment you catch a glimpse of his face. You haven’t seen him since you ran out this morning.

“Uh hey I’m gonna run to Sainsbury’s real quick, I wanna get a chaser, anyone need anything,” you ask, avoiding eye contact with Rafe. Your nerves get the best of you and in terms of fight or flight, you were ready to flee.

“Hey wait I’ll come with you. Gotta pick something up for dinner,” Rafe stands grabbing his jacket, and before you can interject, he’s leading the way down the hall and out your shared flat.

“So what are you chasing tonight?”

“What?” you ask startled, his question pulling you back to reality. Your mind had been running in a loop, trying to read him and the thoughts in his head. You wished now more than ever that you knew what Rafe was like behind closed doors back home, so you could somehow make sense of it all.

He chuckles at you, lost in your own world. “You said you needed a chaser?” Those intimidating blue eyes have found their way to yours again and you hastily look away, focusing in front of you instead.

“Oh yeah- uh just for the vodka,” you laugh nervously.

“Basic,” he mocks. You scoff in surprise and lightly hit him on the chest as the laughter leaves your lips. He’s sporting a shit-eating grin, having successfully egged you on.

“You’re funny if you think I’m gonna do shots of whiskey before going to a club.”

“Well you do owe me one…” he says.

“Oh so he remembers?” you reply, amused.

“Of course,” he states so calm and so sure. Your head swirls at that, his cool confidence making you melt. The automatic doors slide open in front of you, fluorescent lights stealing your attention from the boy you were finding dangerously more attractive by the second.

“I thought we’re supposed to take it together? But someone’s being lame and not coming out tonight,” you say sarcastically, playing it as cool as you can manage. Rafe’s confidence seemed to come naturally, but you were more of a fake-it-till-you-make-it kind of gal.

“Hey you know I have soccer,” he defends. The Kook Prince was not one to turn down a party without cause.

“Excuses excuses,” you shake your head.

“Actually, speaking of soccer, you uh- you and the girls should come tomorrow. If you’re not doing anything. Or not too hungover I should say. Game’s at 12.”

“Can’t make any promises Cameron, but we’ll see,” you smile, earning a satisfied smile from him in return.

You make your way to the frozen food aisle, Rafe explaining to you how they call a soccer field a football pitch here, as you laugh at him grabbing 5 frozen pizzas (dinner solved for the next week, of course). You ask him which chaser you should pick. He points out a cola, so naturally you decide to get blackberry seltzer water, Rafe twisting his face in disgust (who would voluntarily drink that tv static). You always felt so nervous at first, to be in Rafe’s presence, but all it ever took was a few minutes for you to completely relax around him. He was intimidating, yet inviting. Mysterious, yet open. He was somehow the cause of your anxious nerves and yet the source of your comfort. The fear of facing Rafe after running out this morning had paralyzed your thoughts all day, and now you could hardly remember why. He hadn’t mentioned it at all, as if nothing happened. His normalcy confirmed for you that him sleeping over was in fact no big deal, and you almost want to laugh at yourself for how much you had worked it up in your head. You two were just friends, and perhaps Rafe was used to being… a friendlier friend than what you were used to. But that was okay, you could learn to be friendlier too.

—-

Rafe and Topper had decided to accompany you guys in the kitchen as you pregamed. They slowly sipped beers as you, Millie, and Olivia pounded back shots, laughing at the way you guys got progressively drunker and progressively louder before finally heading out. And much to your surprise, the boys were still seated in the same spot hours later, when the three of you stumble back into the flat, McDonalds in hand.

“Oh look who’s still up,” Olivia slurs, taking a bite of her cheeseburger.

“We can’t go out, we have soccer,” Millie mocks, almost falling to the floor as she trips over her heel, Topper and Rafe not making any effort to hide their clear amusement.

“Fun night huh?” Topper quirks his brow.

“The funnest,” Millie holds her head high, sinking down against the wall until she’s sat on the floor. You had made a beeline for the dining room table, silently admiring your chicken nuggets. In that moment, they were the best thing you had ever tasted.

“I want Jake,” Olivia pouts, and before anyone can say a word she’s turned on her heel, burger in hand, off to crawl into her boyfriend’s bed.

“Alright you drunk, let’s get you to bed,” Topper laughs, scooping an incoherent Millie up to her feet by her elbows.

“M’not drunk,” Millie protests, even though she’s leaning her full body weight against Topper who sarcastically nods at her, escorting her down the hallway. Rafe sits on the couch, silently playing with the cards in his hand again, not the least bit uncomfortable with sharing your company in silence.

“I’m mad at you,” you say matter of factly, taking a bite of a french fry. At this point, the alcohol is doing the talking.

“Mad at me?” Rafe stops shuffling the cards and raises his head to look at you, intrigued.

“Yeah because you didn’t come to the club,” you furrow your brows, chucking a fry at him. He catches it instantly, laughing to himself with a shake of his head.

“Don’t worry I saw all your guys’ snaps, I feel like I was practically there.”

“That’s not the same,” you frown, throwing another fry which he catches yet again.

“I’ll try to be there next time,” he laughs.

“That’s better I guess,” you grumble, eating another chicken nugget. The room grows quiet, Rafe training his attention back to the cards.

“When are we watching the next episode Cameron,” you break the silence, chucking another fry. He barely has to look up to catch your latest throw, shaking his head with a chuckle. He puts the cards down and makes his way over to the dining table, standing right above you now.

“Come on, time for you to go to bed,” he beckons you toward him with his arm, to which you only furrow your brows in indignation.

“I’m not done with my food,” you protest.

“Now you are,” he says, grabbing your last fry and finishing it with one bite. “Now c’mon.” You reluctantly grab onto his extended arm to help you get up. You walk down the hall together and he opens your door for you, letting you in as he leans against the frame. You immediately fall back and collapse on to your bed with a gasp, you didn’t remember it feeling so soft when you were sober.

“Goodnight L/n,” Rafe laughs, staring down at you.

“Goodnight Rafe,” you mumble, seconds away from passing out. He smiles to himself at the sight of you still in the outfit and shoes you had been out in, bent in surely the most uncomfortable position possible, legs half way off the bed, yet somehow already asleep. He’s about to head back to his room, but he hesitates, turning back to you with a sigh. As slowly and quietly as he can, he pulls your shoes off for you, lifts your legs onto the bed, and covers you in your blanket. And just as quick, he slips out of your room and back into his.

—-

You wake up the next morning, letting out a groan when you realize you’re still in the outfit you had worn clubbing. Your head dully aches and your throat is desert dry so you force yourself up and to the kitchen. When you see the aftermath of McDonald’s containers on the table, vague memories start flooding your brain in horror. You couldn’t have… could you? Did you actually throw french fries at him? You close your eyes and slowly run your hand over your face in realization. Great, you think to yourself, Rafe probably thinks you’re an annoying idiot. Good grief.

You hear the door of the flat opening and Olivia appears in the kitchen, holding a plate of breakfast sandwiches, your mouth watering at the sight.

“Thank the lovely lads in apartment 4E,” she laughs, placing them on the table. “Oh god, we went hard last night didn’t we,” she says, taking in the sight of the flat.

“A little too hard…” you remark.

“No such thing, darling! Now eat up and get dressed, we’ve got a match to catch,” she declares before disappearing down the hall where you can hear muffled groans of Millie being reluctantly dragged out of her bed. You sigh and sink down into a chair, grabbing a sandwich and taking a bite. Heaven. You make a mental note to thank Jake for his chef skills. You had completely forgotten that you and the girls were supposed to go watch Rafe and Topper’s match today. Your worries about having to face Rafe yesterday had been quick to melt away, but today they were back with a new vengeance.

—-

“Okay no one wander off when we get there. Y/n, fair warning, these games get… rowdy,” Millie says, as the three of you walk toward the field, arms linked.

“Things get pretty crazy at Kildare too,” you laugh, “so yeah, don’t fucking let me out of your sight.”

The three of you shake off your fits of laughter as you stumble toward the stands, finding a spot amongst the already packed crowd. You’re finally able to take in your surroundings, glancing at the field ahead. The opposing team is warming up on the pitch, clad in red. Westheath’s team is off to the side, the boys stretching and getting ready in their white uniforms. The dirty blonde immediately catches your eye. He’s jumping and jogging in place, headphones in as though he’s tuning out the physical noise around him, and probably the mental noise too. You wonder if he’s listening to one of the songs he showed you the other night.

He pauses his jogging to stretch out his arms, his eyes glazing over the stands, when suddenly they lock with yours. Your cheeks flush pink, embarrassed at having been caught staring, but his face just pulls into a wide grin and he gives you a wave. You wave back, and he does a quick hand motion that everyone does at Kildare games back home. You laugh and do the responding gesture, as he smiles cheekily at you before a teammate comes up to him, pulling his focus away. The exchange was brief, but oddly intimate. There was a whole field and a couple dozen people between you, and yet you two were the only witnesses to the interaction. You smile to yourself, relief in the fact that maybe getting a french fry chucked at him wasn’t enough to make him hate you after all. You wonder briefly if Rafe spends half as much time overanalyzing things the way you do. Liam was right, you do insist on overcomplicating things.

“Hey, earth to Y/n!” Olivia laughs, waving her hand in front of your face. “The game is starting!”

—

The final score flashes on the screen: 4-2, a win for Westheath. The students are going nuts, rushing the field. Olivia and Millie lead the way, pushing through the crowd until you guys reach Rafe and Topper.

“Let’s go boys!!” Olivia yells, jumping up and down with the sea of bodies and beer around you. Rafe and Topper react with equal enthusiasm, pulling each of you in for a hug. You and Rafe are the last to hug, him pulling you in brief but close against his large sweaty body, arms wrapped around you. You don’t even mind the stickiness of the hug, feeling deja vu at the warm feeling of being in his embrace again; a feeling that is foreign yet familiar, one you hadn’t felt before.

“Did you guys see Rafe’s goal in the second half!?” Topper asks, clapping his friend on the back.

“Of course we did, super star!” Millie cheers, giving Rafe a high five as he humbly shakes his head and laughs at his friends. The mental image of his goal was burned in your head, one that your mind would certainly play for you involuntarily over the next coming days.

“Alright we gotta go do some stuff with the team, but everyone’s going to Central Bar later. See you guys there?” Rafe asks.

“You got it,” Olivia replies, and they jog off with quick waves, you meeting those blue eyes in silent acknowledgement once again. It was that gaze that always made the rest of the world seem to disappear while his eyes met yours, making your heart skip a beat. He’s just a friend, you remind yourself. Just a tall, attractive, soccer-playing friend…

—

“Y/n! Liv! We’re doing a round!” Jake calls you and Olivia over to where him and Liam are already at the bar, four shot glasses ordered and lined up.

“On three! One, two-“ Liam chants, as the four of you down the alcohol. Central Bar had been buzzing with what felt like half of Westheath’s student body all day. After the game, you and the girls had gone back to your flat to nap and eat, before meeting up with Jake, Liam, and the rest of their boys to head to the bar. Rafe and Topper were already pretty buzzed when you guys got there, playing a round of table tennis with you before the rest of the soccer team and their other friends pulled their attention away. You couldn’t help the way your whole body tensed when Rafe greeted Lily with a tight hug, humbling you with the confirmation that Rafe’s actions toward you weren’t anything special. You resolved yourself to a night of drinking and dancing your worries away with Liv and Liam instead.

“Alright, round of table tennis? You two against me and Y/n?” Liam challenges.

“Please, I saw Y/n playing before, you guys have nothing on us,” Olivia flashes an evil smile, her competitive side coming out.

“Oh it’s on Liv,” you laugh, as your foursome stakes your claim at the pong table. While Olivia and Jake gather the balls and paddles, you notice Liam grimacing off into the distance. You follow his line of sight, landing on Topper and Millie drunkenly dancing together across the bar, a bit too close for comfort.

“What is she doing with that geezer,” he mumbles.

“Liam! Jealousy is unbecoming of you,” you gasp in mock disbelief.

“I’m not jealous,” he scoffs, and you quickly realize that he actually is, even though you had just been joking. Your jaw falls slack as you put two and two together. Liam and Millie were always by each other’s side, at school, at the pub, when you were all watching a movie at his apartment a few nights ago. He would tease her relentlessly and his own words rang in your ears If we really like you, we’re gonna make the time to hang out with you, no matter what.

“Shut up! Shut up!,” you whisper yell, hand coming to your mouth. “I should have realized this whole time… of course you like Millie! Everything you’ve been telling me you think exists between me and Rafe has actually been about her! She’s your Uno reverse card!” You’re shocking even yourself at these revelations.

“No no no, you can’t use my own words of wisdom against me, that’s not how this works Y/n. So what, maybe I slightly give a shit about Millie? Who cares. Her and I both know that’s never gonna happen. I still stand by everything I said about you and Rafe so don’t think your getting off so easy on that.”

“Then tell me why you’re staring at Millie while Rafe hasn’t so much as glanced my way since the minute Lily Colts got here, hmm?”

“Oh Y/n, Y/n Y/n Y/n,” Liam tuts, shaking his head laughing as he turns to the game your group of four is about to begin. You don’t have the energy to argue with Liam over the matter right now, oblivious to the fact that Rafe had indeed been glancing your way, several times. In fact, he was glancing at you right now, as Liam reached his arm over yours to help you actually hold the paddle the right way. You just hadn’t been glancing back to notice, scared of what you may or may not see between him and Lily if you did.

—

The night dies down and it’s time for the pilgrimage back to your building. You’re walking with Millie when Liam quickly falls in step with you two. You give him a knowing smirk, to which he responds with a glare behind Millie’s back, but you let the two banter as you fall behind, now walking alone. You stare ahead, eyes mindlessly settling on Lily walking in between Callum and Henry at the front of the pack. You don’t notice the pair of legs that begin moving in pace next to your own.

“Tonight, by the way,” Rafe’s voice startles you as you jump next to him. He chuckles at the confusion written all over your face. “You asked last night when we’re watching the next episode. And my answer is tonight, L/n,” he states.

“Haven’t you been up since like the crack of dawn? Aren’t you tired?” you ask incredulously.

“Too tired for Game of Thrones? Never,” he scoffs, Liam’s words ringing in your ear. If we really like you, we’re gonna make the time to hang out with you, no matter what.

“Well then tonight it is,” you smile. “Sorry about the french fries last night by the way,” you say meekly, looking down at the sidewalk in front of you, cheeks burning.

“Seriously L/n, talk about a horrible throw. Room for improvement,” he jokes with a comforting smile, saving you from yourself.

“Good game by the way,” you add, grateful for the way he was letting you off.

“Thanks,” he looks at you, shoving his hands in his pocket. You turn to look at him too, and after a few moments laughter is taking you both apart. Nothing funny was said. Neither of you knew why you were laughing. And yet it felt natural, not an ounce of awkwardness in the air.

As your whole group walks into the building, people begin to peel off, splitting towards staircases and off elevator stops.

“I’m fucking beat,” yawns Topper, as you and all your flatmates file into your hall.

“I’m gonna sleep like a baby tonight,” Millie yawns in agreement. One by one everyone files off into their rooms. You open your door, backing into yours, Rafe across the hall from you backing into his. Laughter tugs at both your faces once again, as you let your doors close. You manage to change into your sweats and brush your teeth before you hear the light rap on your door. Rafe enters, in a t-shirt and gray sweatpants, your weakness. But you feel comfortable being alone with him now. The Rafe jitters had finally began to subside.

“Alright L/n, episode 4, you ready for this?” he asks, plopping down in his spot next to you.

“Oh I’m very ready,” you reply, sitting up to reach for your laptop which was resting by your feet. As you lean back, you find yourself in Rafe’s arm. He had extended it out before you sat back, effortlessly catching you against him. His hand rests casually on your arm, and you gulp, pressing play. You pray he can’t feel the way your heartbeat quickens and your body flushes. So much for those jitters being gone.

The episode plays, you and Rafe making comments here and there before your chatter eventually dies down, leaving just the sound of the show to fill the room. You can feel Rafe’s body lean further and further down, becoming heavier and breathing slower. You very slowly turn to check, and sure enough he’s fast asleep. You sigh, and shut your laptop, careful not to stir him. You could easily shake him awake, tell him to go to his bed, but for some reason you don’t. You don’t mind him here. In fact, you almost prefer it, his body heat keeping you warm. He had already slept over once before and it clearly hadn’t been a big deal, so what was the harm in letting it happen again? You’re just friends after all, you remind yourself, not sure who you’re trying to convince. And so, the two friends fall asleep in the same bed again.

---

🏷: @hopebaker @pogueslandia @mardema

#rafe cameron #rafe cameron x reader #rafe cameron x y/n #rafe cameron x you #rafe cameron imagine

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