#i hate this i hate grief i hate that i have to miss her at all

[jowrites]

"If I buy a car, will you take me on late night drives?" - Part 2

Jake Sim x Fem!Reader. Where 2 neighbors befriend one another because of his dog, and she doesn't have any friends.

Part 1.

TW: LOTS of fluff, Isolation(?), mentions of being a lone(r), mentions of parent death

You were very odd indeed. It’s not like anything was really wrong about you, just social cues and norms weren’t your expertise and so you avoided it as much as you could. Growing up, your parents sheltered you. You remember how your mother would brush your hair at her vanity and express her unconditional love for you. How you were her precious doll and she needed to protect you at all costs. Your father loved to paint with you, every time you had painting lessons or piano lessons he would sneak in and join you, praising how his little Princess was doing so well. They were all you needed in life. When you told Jake this you avoided his eyes and he could see the tears start to spring in the corner of your eyes. He never pushed you.

He learned you were 2 years older than him and you actually went to school and graduated with a Master’s in Architecture. He was always shocked when you mentioned little facts here and there, especially your age as you seemed to be like this lost child, always curious and not aware of the dangers of the world. He had built this incredible sense of wanting to protect you always, and longing. It had been 7 months now and he was feeling himself fall deeper and deeper every time you were around. He just didn’t know how to break that barrier he knew you put up.

“Do you have any other dreams?” he asked you. The two of you were sitting next to each other drinking beer on your balcony. It was late at night and the moment Jake got home he ran straight to you wanting to just soak in your existence. 

“Hmm, yes. I have them here, hold on!” You quickly got up and ran inside, he watched as you scurried around looking in a drawer before finding a small journal. It looked extremely worn out so he figured it must be pretty old.

“My dad gave this to me on my 10th birthday, it was right before they got in their accident. He told me it was a dream journal and I’ve been writing in it since,” you held it out to him and he took it from you opening the first page.

Sell my first painting.

On this very day October 23, 2017 I sold my first ever painting to Keith Boulder. Mom and dads longtime partner. Thank you, Keith!

Move out of the Estate.

On this day January 1, 2018 I am moving out of the Estate. Jonah said it would be good for me and he helped me make arrangements to leave. I’m going to miss everyone but I can’t stay here anymore. Everyday I’m reminded of them and I need to get out before I drive myself mad with grief. Here’s to the next…

Play Bingo at a Casino.

Get my license.

I realized something: I hate driving!

Own a pet snake.

I got a snake. It somehow escaped. Don’t know where it went. Lesson learned: don’t get a snake.

Touch a cloud.

Make a new friend.

Her name is Layla. And Jake.

Have my first kiss.

Go to Paris.

Paris is a lot dirtier than I thought it was going to be, the people are pretty mean too. Was a bit disappointed but the Countryside was beautiful and next time I’ll just spend my time there.

Fall in love before it’s too late.

‘Fall in love before it’s too late’. Jake looked over at you and saw you looking out into the City. He could easily check this off for himself, but this was your dream and he hoped he could fulfill it someday just like he did with some of your others.

“You lost a snake in your apartment?” he asked.

“Yeah, it just went poof! Gone,” you shrugged.

“How?” he raised an eyebrow, suddenly looking around scared the snake would show up now and attack him. That’s just his luck.

“I don’t know. It’s been like 3 years, I never see mice or rats around the place so I assume it’s doing well just…being a snake, I guess,” you said.

“You guess? You mean to tell me it could still be alive in this building?” He couldn’t believe it.

“Hey, the risk you made when moving in,” you shrugged it off.

“Yes, a very strange neighbor and her lost snake was something they must have forgotten to mention,” he said, making you laugh.

“You are very much welcome!” You smiled, finishing off your beer and taking his and drinking his as well.

“And she takes my things!” He liked to joke, you always laughed at his jokes and it was better than seeing you cry so he wanted to make you laugh as much as possible.

“Hello??? JAKE!!!!” Suddenly the two of you turned and looked towards your door. You both could hear banging and his name being called by voices you never heard.

“Oh, shit!” Jake quickly got up and walked out into the hall, you soon followed suit. 

“Ah, there you are!” One of the men said.

“You lived there? And we have been banging on this stranger's door! Oh I’m so sorry to whoever lives there,” one of the other’s said.

“What are you guys doing here?” Jake asked, suddenly opening his door for them to go inside.

“We wanted to surprise you, wait, so you do live here?” The other said.

“Oh! Are you Y/N?” One of the guys pointed at you, realizing you were present.

“Oh, so you DO exist, we were starting to think Jake was seeing things,” the other jokes.

“No, you’re seeing things. I don’t exist,” you played along giving them a sly smile.

“Guys, this is Y/N, and Y/N this is Sunghoon, Jay, and Heeseung,” Jake introduced.

“Jake talks about you all the time,” Jay said.

“He literally doesn’t shut up about you,” Sunghoon chimed in.

“It’s nice to meet you, Y/N. Don’t mind them, they can be annoying,” Heeseung came over and held his hand out for you to shake. You gave him a fist bump instead, causing a bit of confusion.

“You can’t just show up unannounced, next time call or something,” Jake said as everyone ushered into his apartment. Layla was with you the whole time and you silently took a seat on his couch just watching Jake and his friends. 

They began rummaging through his kitchen looking for things. They brought things to make dinner and Jay looked like he knew what he was doing so you trusted him for now. Jake almost forgot and looked around suddenly before spotting you on the couch. He gave you an apologetic smile and you smiled assuring him it was okay. He really did not want his friends scaring you off.

“So, Y/N, how’s our boy Jake over here? Is he treating you right?” Jay asked and Jake mentally face palmed.

“Oh no. He can be quite annoying sometimes, like for instance he doesn’t leave me alone,” You started off and Jake’s eyes got wide.

“Hey! I can say the same to you, Missy! You literally wake me up sometimes so I can drive you around, guys she doesn’t drive so I have to drive her,” Jake defended.

“Yeah, but you promised me you would and so you have to no matter what,” You said back. 

“You’re just as clingy as I am! Guys yesterday I was in the shower and she literally just came in without a hi or hello! Just barged in while I was taking a shower. Who does that?” Jake said.

“I told you I just found out Betty White died and I was grieving!” You defended.

“She died years ago!” Jake spoke up.

“Wow, you two are cute!” Heeseung said.

“Are you sure they’re not married?” Sunghoon whispered to his friends.

“Mhm, tell me more, Y/N, how he is! Love to hear it,” Jay nodded as he was chopping up some vegetables.

“What else is there? Jake is my best friend,” you shrugged and Jake immediately got soft. “He doesn’t leave me alone but I like it. I got to him because I want to be around him. He brings me food and paints with me, he drives me around because he knows I don’t like to drive. I know I am not that easy to get along with and I’m very weird. I don’t know how to talk to people and he doesn’t judge me. He’s always nice to me and makes me laugh. He eats meals with me and lets me play with his dog. When he has a hard day he doesn’t complain and still comes and hangs out with me. What else is there to say other than he’s the best person in this whole world.”

It got quiet and everyone suddenly stopped what they were doing and looked between you and Jake. Your eyes were on Layla as you petted her and Jake’s eyes were on you, soft and full of love. He suddenly walked over to you and grabbed your hand and started walking out, “Be right back!”  walking you two across to your apartment.

“Did I overstep? Sorry, I just-” You began to say but Jake cut you off.

“No, no you didn’t. I’ve had feelings for you for a while now, Y/N, I’ve been completely head over heels and I had been so afraid to tell you,” he started to say and your heart skipped a beat.

“You have?” you whispered.

“Yes, yes. I wasn’t sure about you and your feelings but now I am, you like me too,” he said.

“I do? How do you know?” you asked.

“I didn’t until a minute ago, but now I’m sure you feel this spark too,” Jake said. “Let me in. Let me love you.”

“Okay,” and that was all Jake needed before crashing his lips to yours. The kiss was soft and sweet, Jake didn’t want to be overwhelming but it took everything in him to hold himself back. You kissed him back and he kissed you with passion hoping you could feel his emotion. You began to giggle and he pulled back, putting some of your hair behind your ear.

“What’s so funny?” he asked.

“You made another one of my dreams come true,” you said.

“Oh, love, I plan to make many more of them come true for you.”

#kpop multistan #enhypen scenarios #kpop writers #enhypen #kpop fanfic #sim jaeyun #jake sim #jake drabble

[crime-wives]

wip wednesday (totally not thursday)

thank you so much for the tag @sssammich :D

the first snip is from my supercorp rift fic in the format of the five stages of grief. this is from the denial section

Kara Danvers is Supergirl. It’s an ugly loop, constant record screeching in her mind. Louder every second. Her eyes fixed on the bloody corpse of her brother. Smoking gun heavy in her hand.  Lena feels a sickening, violent twist in her gut. It’s so blatantly obvious, how could she have ignored all the signs?  Denial, people see what they want to see.  . . She pastes a plastic smile on her face, wine bottle clutched like a lifeline. She laughs, and gestures, and says all the right things despite the fury that simmers beneath the surface. There’s a familiar ache lodged in her chest, splintering in all directions.  She looks into Kara’s soft blue eyes [insert something] . . Lena sells Catco to Andrea. If she’s honest, she only bought the company for Kara [rephrase + expand] . . It’s been two months since she found out and not a word from Kara. Baby blue eyes filled with trepidation when they fall on her.  Each interaction punctuated with a breathless Lena— Everytime Lena thinks maybe, maybe Kara will finally come clean.  She never does.

this is from my swan queen enemies with benefits fic

She’s furious, storming into the station when she sees Regina perched on her desk, legs crossed, expectant look on her face. And Emma just wants to- fuck, throw Regina against a wall and- She feels her mask slip, but only for a second. “Madam Mayor, what a nice surprise.”  A lazy smirk forms of her face, “Miss Swan, I was hoping we could discuss [insert thing that pisses emma off]” “You’re such a fucking pain in the ass.”  “The feeling is quite mutual.” And she’s so smug, that when she stands, brushing the non-existent lint off her pencil skirt (that somehow managed to ride several inches up her thighs) Emma can’t help but grab her shoulders and slam her into the nearest wall. The tiny gasp Regina let’s out is worth it. Regina looks up at her, pupils dilated, lips parted.  “Miss Swan! Unhand me this instant!” She does nothing to move, and her words lack their usual bite. In fact, her cheeks are flushed, her tongue darts out to wet her lips.  Emma feels a hand pressed against her stomach. Snaking further up her bare skin, ghosting the underside of her breast. Emma feels her body unwillingly lean closer. Close enough that she feels Regina’s breath on her lips.

another snip from a swan queen neverland rewrite (it may be added to the ewb fic lol)

“You sure you can do this?” Emma moves to lay a hand on Regina’s arm, offering comfort. She retreats, fingers outstretched midair, when Regina flinches. “After everything, after the—” Torture. “Of course I can,” Regina scoffs. “Henry is everything. I would do anything for him.” The devotion pours off her in waves. “I know you would.” The ship rocks, as they stare into inky water. It’s quiet, almost frighteningly so. The sounds of their breathing fills the air. “I would too, you know.” Regina raises an eyebrow. “Do anything for him. I would too.”

and finally, my meddison 2x04 wip

It’s inescapable, she’s a constant presence in the hospital. Copper red hair around every goddamn corner. Cutting jokes about threesomes and unexplainable kindness when Meredith’s best friend ends up on the OR table. God, Meredith hates her so much.  . . “Meredith, she gave me divorce papers. She filed,” Derek asserts. Voice bordering on patronizing.  “I know,” Meredith says. That shuts him up quickly. He tilts his head, baby blue eyes imploring gently. “She told me,” Meredith sighs. “Addison told you?” He shakes his head in disbelief. “I didn’t think you were on speaking terms.” “We’re not— It’s complicated Derek.” 

no pressure tags :) @emily-prentits @nostradamus0 @thecasualqueer @sillyfroggremlin @walshies @peridotglimmer @fazedlight @flyingpotstickers

#my wips #tag games #supercorp #swan queen #meddison #this was so fun to do :) #a lot of this is nowhere near edited so it's very rough

[heartbreakfeelsogood]

#grief sucks grief sucks grief sucks #i thought i’d never move on from her death and i hate the fact that in some ways i have #i hate the fact that i can wake up each day and go about my life and almost forget that she’s gone #i hate that it takes something like her birthday to bring up all the feelings of mourning again #because honestly? at least when i lived with the grief every day i was used to it being there #but now it’s something i feel occasionally and it hurts so much more because every time the grief comes back i feel her dying all over again #all week i’ve been absolutely miserable before i even realized how soon tomorrow was #and i’ve been thinking of her more too. literally was thinking i should learn how to extreme coupon the way she did bc she used to bring me #it just sucks she shouldn’t have died. not like that. #she was too young and it all happened so fast and just #she should be able to celebrate her 55th birthday with us #but she didn’t even make it to 50. what the hell man #i hate this i hate grief i hate that i have to miss her at all #i should be able to call her and text her and she would’ve helped me so much with the phase of life i’m in now #because sometimes she was mean and she was so stubborn but she others first and loved us more than anything #i can’t believe she’s been gone six years and i can’t believe i’ve celebrated six of her birthdays without her #what the actual fuck

[crazy-fruit]

.

#jojo rambles #cw death #but only in the tags #i wonder how bad the grief will be on the offical death date #and I only realised how much love there was when she was gone #but it hurt a couple of nights ago #how can she be gone? #has it been 2 or 3 years already? #I no longer think I will just meet her when going back home #but I miss her #I'm sad she can't see my future #how important she was for my entire family #it says a lot that my mother asked my brother to call me because she couldn't #I hate the fact that I am still wondering when she died #it can not be the day when the life support was turned off #funny how I would have lost a parental figure of a bicycle accident hadn't happend and how I actually lost one due to a bicycle acciddent #parental figure sounds wrong #but how do you grief somebody when you can't define the relationship you had #from tucking me in as a kid to giving me my favourite stuffed animal to making sure my family can handle my mother returning to work #to saying that I will find love to telling me about the world and encouraging me on my path

[pepprs]

crying again lol ok

#purrs #and posting online abt it so i get immediate validation / support instead of asking for help from anyone im close to i know. but god fucking #damn it to hell. ok im going to be candid about this because it hurts so fucking bad. five years ago i met someone so important to me. and I #miss her so so so so much. and every space here i have a memory with her in. and she left in July and she’s gone. and im sobbing my eyes out #FOR WHY because it was over 6 months ago and im happier and she’s happier and we’re all happier. but i think im getting some aftershocks #being here for the first time without her exactly 5 years to the week we met: when she was so important to me. she was the whole reason i #even saw myself as something. and she’s fucking gone. she left. but she’s not dead like LMAO idk why im crying so hard when i could just #text her any time and tell her that i miss her. but idk. it’s just everything is stirring memories and they’re painful to think about now or #at least today because she’s gone and it all changed. i was just saying that i feel like im not having any emotions and tonight the grief ju #just rammed into me like a train and my fucking counselor sucks ass and won’t even help me work through it and everyone is busy and tired an #and im a staff coach so im not supposed to be having a fuckjng mental breakdown over **** pacing around in my bathroom at 1:23am but ive be #been thinking about her so much and remembering all the formative interactions i had with her here and missing her so much i want to explode #and die and p*ke and whatever. so stupid to cry about it but i fucking miss her. and i hate that she’s not here. and i’m trying so hard to b #be her but i have to be me but i can’t not have what she brought here and im just crashi ng and burning and can’t be honest and im having a #breakdown and crying so hard and i don’t know what to do. i ithink i’ll be fine after some sleep and reflection but my heart is like seizing #on itself right now and nothing takes my mind off it and i just keep crying LMFAOOOOOO. i hate it here #delete later #like how can you look at me like that and then fuck off to ****** 4.5 years later. you know? im about to punch a hole into the hallway #and i have to be quiet bc ppl are trying to sleep but it’s making me fucking crazy. #retreat tag

[leander-ligo]

.

#I hate having constant insomnia #let along grief-induced insomnia #like the least the universe could do for me right now is let me pass out at a reasonable time #why must I lay awake till dawn thinking about my mom #I just miss her

[pixiefms]

nanago and glimpse of us :(

#cause sometimes i look in her eyes and that’s where i find a glimpse of us #and i try to fall for her touch but i am thinking of the way it was #said i’m find and said i moved on in only here passing time in her arms #hoping i will find a glimpse of us #LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN #y’all are missing out on THE ABSOLUTE ANGSTY POTENTIAL OF NANAGO #SEEKING WARMTH AND CARE AND LOVE IN EACH OTHER AFTER HAIBARA AND GETO #BITH IF THEM USING EACH OTHER AND CHASING A FEELING THAT IS LONG DEAD #BITH USING EACH OTHER AS A REPLACEMBT FIR WHAT WAS LOST #AND SEEKING COMFORT #THE ANGST THE TOXICITY BECAUSE YIU DONT HAVE TI HATE EACH OTHER FOR IT TO BE TOXIC #THE DRAMA #THE GRIEF #THE SADNESS #like the codependency and stuff using each other to heal maybe ultimately healing or maybe breaking up and reuniting when in a better place #WAKE UP NANAGO NATION WHERE ARE MY FANFICS ABOUT THUS #nanago #jjk nanago #jjk nanami #jjk gojo

[moregraceful]

of all the stupid fucking shit i've have to grieve over in my life, "breaking up with my long time and favorite therapist" is by far the fucking stupidest

#i mean it's so stupid i cannot believe i am making a post on tumblr abt it #but what has this blog been for except oversharing grief lol #but i miss her! i miss her and i don't get her anymore in that context and now i have to find a new therapist who probably won't be as good #and finding a new therapist SUCKS it's just trial and error while my brain slowly falls into disarray from lack of upkeep and i hate it!! #anyway. these is such a stupid non problem i need to grow the fuck up #lol #i'm gonna go say something unhinged in the tags of some post to bury this one #cool stories with kasper

[yardsards]

i've been avoiding toh season 2 spoilers but you've still managed to infect me. i had a dream last night i was luz in season 2. i had to learn about the 10 greatest witches from history and compete trials or else amity's mom would football throw me and amity off the capitol building. i bit someone. at some point amity decided we should go heck off and play with our friends instead of this stupid life or death nonsense. and i befriended a 10 foot tall millipede willow was scared of. the end

LOVE IT. somehow feels in character despite being bizarre. 10/10 to your subconscious.

also i feel proud of myself for infecting your mind with my brainrot

#eliot posts #toh #my last owl house dream was a weirdly angsty willumity au where luz went missing #and willow and amity fell in love while looking for her and dealing with the grief over the possibility she might be gone forever #but it was somehow a VERY interesting plot despite being dream-generated #so i spent like an hour typing out all the details and posted it on here #you can find it on my blog sonewhere if ur curious. i think i tagged it willumity so you wont have to dig much #honestly if i had the patience to write stuff i'd turn it into an au fanfic. or alter it til it's a good piece of original fiction #i hate that i'm technically good at writing and sometimes i have good ideas #but writing anything (whether fanfic or original) always feels like pulling teeth so i just. usually don't. #which is a cryin shame. i wish i could enjoy writing more cuz i do enjoy reading my own stuff sometimes. n i love entertaining others w it #oh wait i also tagged it as #missing light au

[bilestat]

all I want to do is hug my dad and ask him about his family and his childhood because i was only 13 when he died and I’ve forgotten so many things and I’m so scared of the day I won’t remember him anymore and I wanna talk to him about meaningless shit and watch star trek with him and play video games and drink coffee and go out for dinner together and do all of the things I know we would’ve bonded over if only I’d had more time with him and had a chance to know him as more than a child, it’s so unfair that there’s so many things about him that I’ll never know and so many things about me he never got the chance to know

#my dad was my favorite person in the world #I’m not even exaggerating #i genuinely hate my fucking life lol it’s so unfair #he’s been gone for years longer than I had with him now #i hate that so much #anyone who tells you that you get over the loss of a loved one or that grief gets easier is a fucking liar #who could I have been if I didn’t have to experience this kind of grief as a child #I’ll never know #and it sucks because I can’t go to anyone about it #i could but I can’t #i don’t want to bother or burden anyone #i don’t even want to talk to my own sibling about it because I don’t want to upset them more than they already are #i don’t want them to have to deal with my grief on top of their own #same with my mom #and I hate crying in front of people even if it’s on the phone #i hate being vulnerable #anyway I’m lightheaded now from sobbing so hard #but at least I’m starting to calm down some #and it’s a double fucking whammy because the anniversary of his death is the 14th and then my grandma’s birthday is the 25th #and I miss her so much too and can’t believe she’s been gone almost two years now #fuck the universe for making my dead have a heart attack three days after my mom’s birthday and dying five days after it #***my dad wow #parent death tw #parent death mention #grief tw #to be deleted #personal

[pheonix-inside]

Help I just saw a sad video about grief of my Twitter feed and now I'm crying I'm supposed to be getting ready for bed

#my mom's most likely asleep so i dont wanna bother her for a hug #and i dont wanna call my dad bc i dont really need to talk i just need to cry it out #but damn i really miss some people #i feel like a broken record crying about it but like. bro it's almost been a year since what has been my biggest loss so far. what the fuck. #how do i process that #i miss this person so much and i feel like i lost a part of me with them #a downside of having a tight knit family is when you lose a member it hurts way more #my dad and my aunts still haven't sold her house. they still go through her stuff. she had so mucb stuff lol. a lot of it was really old #we took her piano and i think i pressed down on like one key when we first got it moved to our house and then had to stop. #it sounds like her house to me. #i've advanced so much musically over the last year and she never got to hear it. she would've loved the shows i hated being in this year #they would've been more worth being in #im just making myself sadder so im gonns try to distract myself now #keyword try #wish me luck #grief tw #vent

[voidhope]

The Other Woman

(Part 2 FINALE)

—

Synopsis: Miguel had left Y/N for another version of his old wife in hopes of getting his old life back. To only realize the mistakes he’s made.

Link to Part 1

Pair: Miguel O’Hara x Spider!reader

Warnings: very heavy mental health, ANGST LIKE A LOT OF ANGST, ALL OF THIS IS ANGST, mentions of death/almost dying, long term establish relationship, cheating, swearing, therapy, physical fight, blood, feral protective miguel?

—

A/N: hello again! this one is more heartbreaking and longer than the first part oof… Very low dialog up until closer towards the end! wanted to just get through telling the story itself and the emotions. It’s just a very heavy storyline!! I want to say thank you so so much for showing so much support for part 1 i had no idea it would receive that much attention :O !! i wrote this out kinda fast as i didn’t want to loose the momentum of the idea. so apologies for any mistakes! all feedback is greatly appreciated ~

—————————————————

You used to make Miguel coffee everyday, with one cream two sugars, and he would nag about how he hated the taste. It was to your liking, not his. As you would sneakily take sips out of his mug while working next to him. Why didn’t you just get your own coffee? You claimed you could never finish it and just wanted a taste out of his. Miguel would roll his eyes at you every time he caught you but he adored it. He had secretly grown to love the way you made it and had become his only way of making coffee after meeting you.

Now as this version of his older wife made it the way he is suppose to like coffee, bland and straight, he found himself bothered by it. Going as far to correct her even though this was what he had been claiming to have missed so much. He was now seeing himself teaching someone else how to love him like you did…

He was only a shell of the man he was when he had Gabriella. Even though the copy of his old wife has her same personality, the relationship couldn’t be exactly how it was before because he had changed so much. You had helped him become whole again. His tastes and likings had all switched to everything about you. The charm he found in his old wife doesn’t hold a light to you now and he was getting frustrated. He had wanted this so badly. He felt like those babies who whine and cry wanting to eat a lemon and once they get their way they realize the sour truth.

Miguel never truly realized what it was like to loose you until three weeks after he told you the truth. Over the years the idea of losing you terrified him but he only ever thought of it being in death. He never considered separation when everything was perfect for both of you then. There were times he believed that you were made just for him and he treated you like his queen. Which you truly were to him in his spider society. Why would he ever throw that away? Look at what he did.

He gave himself every excuse in the book before you knew he was cheating on you. ‘This is only for research.’ he would think every time he found himself back in that universe. As everyone knew he was so serious about his work, obviously this is just him getting to know more about certain universes and canons. Lyla was the only one seeing straight through him knowing where he was actually going. Things kept tumbling and the more he found out about the place and spent time with her the more his grief and yearning returned. It was all just there, so reachable.

There was a time his mind tried to snap him back out of it while cheating on you and made him realize the guilt. The first time he kissed this woman you were there in his mind. He came home right after and held you without saying a word. You never questioned him, just showed him comfort as much as you could. Lightly stroking his back, you never over stepped or pushed him when he was vulnerable with you. He only closed his eyes and held onto you tighter processing how you were always too good for him. He was converting to living two different lives; his old self during the day and then coming home to you. He didn’t want to let go of either at the time.

Once he found out he could safely have Gabriella again was when he became distant with you. The shame of using you for research made him become stoic. He didn’t want to admit how wrong he was treating you. All while you were always being so loyal and trusting towards him. Things were slowly slipping through the cracks and he knew he couldn’t up keep it. He wished he could have had that conversation with you so much differently but it was over. Now he had his old life back, a dream he had his mind set on.

He ignored the shakiness in his hands when he returned to her after letting you go. ‘It’s all for the best.’ is what he would repeat in his mind as a mantra. His new girlfriend truly had no idea who he really was or what his background was. Miguel continued to feed her lies to the point where he even started believing them himself getting too lost in avoiding what he’s done. He believed he was happy as he spent time with her.

When she got too close to finding the truth after finding his wedding ring in one of his pockets, he set her off course from it by revealing his spider identity and taking her to HQ. This was the day that everything felt like it was crashing around him. Being reminded of his marriage, having to face his friends with his new lover, sharing his personal spider life, his work with someone who wasn’t you. He excused himself rushing to an unused office room while his chest was tightening. Pupils dilating as he realized it was his first time having a panic attack.

Nevertheless he continued to push it all aside and act completely normal with his girlfriend. He was feeling your absence the most while working. You had became an extension of him. He had trained you from scratch and you helped him build this society he has now. You knew the ins and outs of everything and fought perfectly alongside him. Now that he was on his own he let his girlfriend be there for him when he got stressed, but there always was a knot in his stomach he never could get rid of.

The more his mental health ate at him late at night the more he considered searching out for you. There was no closure between both of you and he never got to listen to how you feel. What was your opinion on all that happened? Do you hate him?

He wanted to speak with someone so badly but he dug himself in a hole too deep. You were gone, he was lying through his teeth to this poor woman he’s kept for some fantasy, he felt too ashamed to say anything to his friends, he would rather die if all his workers found out how big of a piece of shit he is. Anytime Lyla tried peeping a word that wasn’t work related he would snap. He had pushed everyone away and now he just felt alone.

Regardless he would wake up in the morning and swallow all his dark feelings. He would remember his grief of when he lost his family and it would put him back in the moment. He has another chance. He was happy with the direction he was going in now.

Right?

—

The day he found out you were at HQ he felt his heart stop. He was mid mission trying to call for Lyla but she wouldn’t answer. Frustrated he tried looking into what was happening only to see her busy having a conversation with you. It felt like something took over him when he opened a portal in less than a second. Without thinking nor wasting a heartbeat he rushed back. Just a glimpse of you, maybe just to hear a word out of your mouth. The feeling of having you back in HQ was making him ignore all his insecurities. How he would coward at the thought of trying to reach out to you before. You were in his home, your home, and the thought drove him wild.

You were already long gone though. Lyla stared at him not saying a word. The quietness in the room making his ears ring but his thoughts were screaming in his head. He stood there frozen still trying to recollect himself. He was the one that left you, what is wrong with him?

Again he went back and forth in his own head trying to convince himself ‘You wanted this.’ but if he did why is he feeling like someone just killed a puppy in front of him? Why is he here fighting with his self if this is really his dream? Why did he try chasing after you? The wounds of his past grief were too deep. He never took the time to properly heal and now look at what he’s become.

“Miguel, what’s this?” He was startled turning around seeing his girlfriend holidng your watch and skimming through the divorce paperwork addressed to him.

There was no more hiding, no more lying. He swallowed hard even though his throat was dry. He let everything he had kept away rise to surface. It hurt him to see the beautiful face his old wife shared contort into such anger and pain while finding the truth.

She didn’t stay, but for some reason he wasn’t upset. Though he longed for his daughter, he knew it would have never been the same now. He finally closed the door on his past. His heart had made the choice this time but it’s too late. Now grasping onto the divorce papers left by you, emptiness spread through his soul.

—

You on the other hand did not find yourself crying by yourself on a rooftop for long. The shift in the air from your arrival alerted the local spider-man immediately.

“It didn’t work out, did it?” He crouched down next to you as he noticed your watch gone and your missing wedding band.

Peter Parker knew both you and Miguel. Your husband had come to do many rounds of research in this universe when he took you. Eventually offering this Peter a spot in the society, which he politely declined due to just being busy enough here. You both never spoke much but always had an appreciation for each other.

“Do you need a place to crash at?” He continued while trying to get you to look at him. Reaching his hand towards you.

You had absolutely no one and you had been gone so long you couldn’t even go back to the little you had. When you met Miguel you didn’t hesitate to never look back and now it filled you with regret. How naive were you to put all your trust and reliance on him.

You took Peter’s hand. You were ready to start your own life and be your own person now.

—

Peter Parker was nice enough to let you stay with him as long as you needed it. You both had became ‘besties!’ as he would love to poke at you. The first month with him you were a disaster really but he showed you how he liked to cope using his spider abilities.

The first thing he helped you with was getting a new suit. Your old one resembled too much to Miguel’s and you felt suffocated every time you put it on. Peter had taught you to use your current emotional pain on whichever sad little villain was making trouble out in Brooklyn that night.

“Come on, we got multiverse spider-woman helping me keep these streets clean now!” He would taunt at the men while watching you easily take them out a little bit too aggressively. His feet kicking up and down while he sat on the side of a building watching you. The crime rate did go down a bit once word got around how strong your punch was. Peter’s just happy he can now spend some nights to himself.

You got yourself a job at the mart on the corner to help cover bills for Peter and save up. You were grateful enough the owners never batted an eye when you would disappear during a shift to either suddenly go cry uncontrollably or beat the shit out of someone at a nearby robbery. Next thing you were enrolling yourself back in university, wanting to finish that degree you never did.

It wasn’t too long that some of your older spider friends would stop by to check in on you. Seeing them was difficult sometimes, you were internally itching to ask about Miguel. Things were going okay for you on a very slow path of breathing step by step. You never wanted to feel that hurt again and so you very well pretend like Miguel didn’t exist if you could.

You couldn’t ignore the hurt resurfacing when you passed couples on the street. Or when you found yourself going to fidget with your wedding ring just to remember it’s gone. You can’t just move on from a relationship that was so deeply apart of you and lasted so long. You gave everything to him and it will take you much time to get yourself to build trust again.

After two semesters, you finally had your graduation. All the things you learned while in Earth-928 paid off as you barley had to study. Passing top of the class, you immediately got an offer for an internship opportunity with Alchemax and was able to get an introduction tour of the building beforehand.

What you hadn’t realized was that Alchemax had been looking for that girl who snuck into their offices a couple years ago. Who made another dimension’s spider appear and then went missing herself soon after. They had kept as close tabs on you as they could and how foolish you were to think your little break in wouldn’t come back to bite you. The moment you stepped foot back in their building, it was over for you.

—

Miguel had spent a whole year in much deserving therapy. Nothing could stop the embarrassment he felt when Peter B signed him up with HQ’s best spider-therapist after 3 months of constant out bursts. No one could come near the man when he felt like he had lost everything. Those first initial months were difficult for everyone around him.

Therapy did help, he hates to admit it, but it was a very rough ride. He finally was able to understand his deep inner term oil and heal his issues but moving on from you? No, he could never.

You were the only one who had sincerely stood by his side, always rooting for him. He never fell out of love with you despite of everything that he did. He just pushed everything down too deep and was blinded by obsession. Till now he could never deny that he still loves you. Maybe if he just would have went to therapy years ago instead of acting out on unsolved grief none of this would have happened. The guilt always making him toss and turn at night.

He would have big temper tantrums when he would find his coworkers going to visit you time to time and not sharing any details. He needed to know if you’re okay. Did you already move on? He longed to find you and speak with you but he knew he wasn’t ready yet. He was so self destructive and this was what he deserved.

Everyone avoided him completely when he overheard someone saying you were living with Peter Parker. Fighting crime with him and having a cute little home life. Peter followed you around now like a puppy. Miguel did not take the news well at all. Let’s just say, the large bill replacement for his monitor screens was what snapped him out of that rage.

He also wanted to strangle Hobie Brown every time he saw a glint in his eye when your name was mentioned around. Yet Miguel couldn’t hate the kid either, as Hobie was one of the people to try help repair the damage he did to you. How badly he just wanted to hold you and shield you in his arms from any other people taking you from him as if he wasn’t the idiot to let you go in the first place.

Everyone’s big, powerful, scary boss was really just a grumpy, wallowing-in-self-pity, sensitive, lonely man now. Mention your name too much to him and watch him start crying or take it out on whatever he could find nearest to him. He would some nights scroll through your wedding photos while listening to your last tracked log with Lyla. Your words cutting through him deep like long sharp knives. How he urged to go tell you it was all wrong and how guilty he was for making you feel like this.

Despite it all, he still believed in being the best of the best. He used his work to distract himself from his sorrows, to become numb. Even though his divorce paperwork were set next to him on his desk to remind him the pain. He never signed it.

—

“We can’t tell him!” Jessica gritted through her teeth. Small group of spider-people were hovered around Lyla taking in the new found information.

“Her canon events have always been uncertain, we can’t just stop and fix this one?” Gwen Stacy suggested in hopes.

“We have never prevented a canon event of hers or the people involved in it. It could be even more dangerous than a regular canon.” Peter B spoke grimly.

“When ‘as danger ever stopped us?” Hobie spoke up.

“Everyone get your gear.” Lyla added to the stress of the situation.

—

You couldn’t open your eyes properly with a strong blinding light being held above you. Arms and legs secured on top of a metal surgical table. You could feel the warmth of blood scattered on certain parts of your body, slowly starting to dry. It was a mix of yours and the people you had tried fighting through to get out of here when you realize the trap you were reeled into. Different people in lab coats poked and pried all around you while you were tied. Your mask was thrown on another table and your suit had large gashes across it.

Soon you also could feel the presence of Peter Parker being brought to the room, thrown slumped in the corner breathing heavily. They had gotten you too good. They knew everything and had planned this so detailed.

“Now you’re going to help me open the multiverse.” Kingpin loomed around you. All you could feel was searing pain as a laser aimed right at your chest.

—

Miguel was already staring out the window to the glowing night lights of Nueva York when he saw a big hole appear in sight of the skyline. His eyebrows furrowed while he was trying to process what he was looking at. It wasn’t a second later when all alarms started going off in his office.

“Qué carajos?” He exclaimed seeing the alerts of a possible universe collapse. “Lyla! Why wasn’t this being taken care of already?”

“I already sent people.”

“Then what are they doing?” He yelled. His confusion and anger only furthered when he saw a red alarm for a canon event.

“Canon event?” He whispered to himself. He always knew when these were happening, there were none scheduled for today. There was no way he would let one passed him, it’s not like this could magically appear? His jaw dropped in realization… a new canon event.

“Lyla, tell me the truth. Why wasn’t this reported to me?” He made the atmosphere turn cold. She knew he already figured it out.

“A new canon event was received this morning being given to Peter Parker. Of Y/N L/N’s death.” The words from Lyla made Miguel’s body go still. His eyes raced side to side while he processed it.

“No!” He roared, a fist slamming into the nearby desk. His massive strength breaking it in half.

“Boss, you can’t go on this mission only using your emotions.” Lyla warned. However Miguel was already half way stepping through a portal to find you.

He appeared, watching his team struggle to shut down the machine causing the collapse. Outnumbered by the amount of Alchemax puppets. A different kind of rage filled him as he saw you, for the first time in a year, suffering. Miguel was never one to act reckless while on missions but he had no plan here and just ran off the pure adrenaline the fight or flight had hit him with.

His claws tore into the backs of his enemies as he jumped beast-like across the room. Not hesitating spilling blood across the wall while he took everyone down as fast as he could. His team could only watch wide eye with an unsettling fear as they saw Miguel lose himself to his spider sense. While he fought they took the opportunity to take apart the machine.

Miguel was panting heavily, pupils blown wide glowing red, and fangs dripping with venom as the room slowly silenced. Kingpin laid on the floor slowly trying to drag himself after being beaten to a pulp. It was over. Peter B stopped him from doing anything further. Knowing Miguel would kill the man, Peter B let the team finish up to give Kingpin to authorities. Miguel turned frantically to look at you seeing the other spiders step away. Peter Parker was hunched over you in tears. Miguel fought the urge to snap at Peter and grab his hands off of you.

Your vision was too blurry and everything felt like it was burning. A shape that seemed too familiar came into your peripheral vision and you tried to push yourself up.

“Miguel?” Was the last thing you croaked before slumping back passing out. Miguel catching you in his arms before you could hurt yourself further.

“It’s her time.” Jessica spoke behind him. Yet he was refusing to let go. He had never defied the way the timeline worked since he created his society. He would never break the rules and you both had promised each other before not to. If there was a situation like this you both agreed to save the universe first. How stupid was he to think he would listen to that now facing it in-front of him.

He never got to tell you what happened. He never got to apologize. He never got to tell you one more time that he loved you. Even if you in result just spat in his face, at least he was able to talk to you one more time. You were never a placeholder or someone to fill a hole in his heart. His whole heart belonged to you and he couldn’t let you go thinking you didn’t mean anything to him. No matter the consequences, he needed to tell you.

“Call all the teams to control the damage of a possible universe collapse.” He turned to Jess with Y/N tightly in his arms. The spider-people watched speechless as he opened a portal and disappeared.

—

—

—

—

—

—

—

—

—

Two weeks you laid motionless in the HQ’s medbay.

The clean up after breaking the canon was a little intense. They were able to get it under control as the event started to fade from your timeline once you were returned and starting to heal in Earth-928.

The spider society would remain silent near the medbay. The lights always being dimmed and hushed whispers between staff to not bother the distressed O’Hara. He refused to leave.

Your Peter Parker had now joined the team, much to Miguel’s dismay. Everyday your friends would come in and check to see how you were. Some telling stories about their day or any gossip updates you missed, in hopes that it would get you to wake up. They would ignore the gloomy Miguel who was basically glued to the seat next to you not saying a word to anyone.

At night Miguel would play with your fingers and softly stroke your hair all while pleading “Please don’t leave me, please don’t leave me. Por favor mi alma.” He knew it wasn’t his place to beg this after what he did, but he didn’t mind the words falling on deaf ears.

Miguel hadn’t eaten in days, he felt too nauseous from anxiety to even try anything. Pavitr had done the favor to bring you and Miguel’s favorite empanadas from a small street vendor downtown. Hoping to get Miguel to at least try the food before he ended up in a hospital bed next to you due to starvation.

You started to blink open your eyes, spots surrounding your vision. You could hear a soft breathing to your right side and you slowly felt your sense come back one by one. It felt like you just had a really rough nap.

“Oh my god that smells so good.” You moaned, sitting yourself up to try to look at where the smell of food was coming from.

You were met with a wide eyed Miguel holding a box of empanadas. His jaw slacked open acting as if he’s seen a ghost looking at you. Confusion hit you first for a second and then you start to panic.

Why was he here? Why was your ex-husband sitting right here? You started to push away from him and Miguel caught on to your panic.

“No, no, no mi amor stop.” He tried calming you. “You’re hurt, you’re going to open your stitches.”

You suddenly remembered everything that happened right before you blacked out. At that moment you forgot the hurt you had towards your ex-lover. Gathering yourself you just stared at him. “I’m suppose to be dead.”

Tears rimmed your eyes. Why did it feel like life just hated you so much?

Miguel engulfed you in his arms as you started to cry. You didn’t care right now. You had ached for this feeling again, so alone, with the comfort Miguel used to bring you. Just for a moment you could pretend like how it was before.

“We can’t do this Miguel.”

He knew what you were thinking. He didn’t want to let you leave his arms yet, as he let his self hold harder and push your head closer into his the crook of his shoulder. The tickle of your breath on his neck, he just wanted this forever.

“She left. Almost a year ago.” He let out to you. A big weight coming off of his chest. You pulled back from him and looked up into his eyes while you watched him avoid your gaze. You felt bad to say you could feel a bit of satisfaction bubbling in you.

“Good, she deserved better.”

“So did you.” Miguel sighed playing with his hands. Your eyes widened when you saw the ring still on his finger. He let you stare. “I-I could never. I couldn’t.” The emotions struggle to come out of his mouth. You understood him though. You always did. Placing your hand on top of his you just nodded.

“Please stay here.” He whispered.

Miguel had broken you in so many ways. Yet he almost ruined another universe just to keep you alive. You both needed time to talk and coming out a coma right now isn’t good timing.

“I finally became my own person when I went back in my universe. I enjoyed my independence.” The words pelleted at him. He could only hold his breath as he waited for you to continue. “I’ll stay… but not for you.”

It wounded him deeply; but he deserved it. This place will always be a home for you even if he wasn’t apart of it. Before he can tear his gaze and turn away, you reached out to hold his face close to yours. Your fingers gently rubbing on his cheeks as you slowly look at him properly after so long. You let your thumb smooth over his frown lines and he leaned into your touch closing his eyes.

“Let’s give us time.” Was the words you blessed that opened every door of hope he could find. He would take it, he would absolutely take it. He has to fight for you, he has to prove to you. He would do anything but for now he’ll be on his best patiently waiting for you.

Both of you sat comfortably without speaking, only the faint background beeps of the hospital monitor making up for the silence, while passing small glances. For once both of you felt a missing warmth you didn’t realize you needed. Sharing empanadas with each other, just maybe it will be alright…

—————————————————

The end!!! Thank you so so much for your time in reading my story. i really really was so happy with all the comments and feedback on pt 1 it really meant a lot!!!

i hope this was ok ~ i apologize for how long it was i was thinking of doing another part but just wanted to finish this up. I was in such a conflict how to end this. i hope it wasn’t too cliche or anything i’m just a sucker for very wanty needy dramatic stories. It’s a hopeful ending tho~ i couldn’t pick with just happy or sad.

So many of you had tons of amazing suggestions which I appreciated so much. I was such a mess trying to figure it all out. Many of you wanted to see Y/N move on with another person but I ended up going this route. I used Peter Parker as an obv character in y/n’s universe but it’s not tied to any specific one and you guy can think of him more to your liking if you want to!

If any of you would like a small drabble or imagine of another route of this story or just anything angsty/possessive and rarwrarwbarkbark miguel. I’d be glad to help lol!! My request box is wide open~ i had so much fun writing this!

—

TAG LIST!

@hoseokslefteyebrow @sleepyamaya @typicalife-101 @jenniferdixon05207 @geraskier-thots @nuttyrebelflower @youcantseem3 @ihateuguys @archangel1206 @southprw

#miguel o'hara x reader #miguel o’hara fanfiction #miguel o’hara imagine #miguel o’hara x y/n #spiderman imagine #spiderman2099 #across the spiderverse #astv #x reader #peter parker #fanfiction #miguel x you #angst #miguel o’hara angst

[waitlifted]

(( dunno why but now I'm thinking about how we never really see Cassandra reference "Flynn Rider", he's always Fitzherbert (or Eugene if she's feeling generous, a whole list of insulting nicknames if she's not). I mean it makes sense, he'd started going by it again by the time they actually meet each other, even if she knew him by reputation before and all.

honestly despite the venom she can put into saying his name sometimes, it's probably really good for Eugene's safety and well being that she does. after all, if she had that old moniker coming up as a constant reminder of how the man in front of her was her previously declared nemesis that committed all those violent acts against her dad and the other guards, it would be much harder for her to restrain from strangling him. instead she manages to (somewhat) disconnect him from his past actions and just be mad at his present actions instead :^) ))

#ooc. #(( and like yeah she still gives him grief about being an ex criminal )) #(( but 'ex criminal' is several rungs down the ladder of hate from her feelings on Flynn Rider specifically so )) #(( for the record (in case you're new or have forgotten/just missed it) i the mun *love* eugene. tts said malewife eugene rights )) #(( it's just cass that has severe beef with him that takes a long time to let go of oops ))

[mamashenanigans]

When my head isn’t filled with “keephishandkeephishandkeephishand” on a loop, I actually think about more stuff from 407.

Someone on X pointed this out, but how wittle baby boy Yoichi is shown here…

Makes it seem like the people that AFO just killed had maybe beat him up. Of course, AFO is taking their metapowers away too, but it’s an interesting catch. And, yes, Yoichi is wearing fitted clothes while AFO walks around with something just wrapped around him.

You know how Yoichi still believed there was good in his brother because of the kindness of his “hand”?

Well, in case you missed it…

They were born apart with their hands already reaching out to each other. They are on their backs right now, so those are the same hands that are holding/being held.

This means…

AFO grabbed Yoichi and dragged him with him. What you’re seeing in that top panel is the water starting to overflow the river and rush past. AFO pulled Yoichi out of the water and on to their mother. He is also using the spike quirk for teeth and on his hand to grab onto their mother and pull them up. The bottom left panel is him biting into her dress as he pulls them out of the danger of the water. Yes, AFO saved Yoichi when they were fucking newborns. THIS is what Yoichi has a faint memory of. That was the kindness.

I know some people have been wondering if they’re fraternal or identical. This seems to suggest that they are in fact sharing the same umbilical cord. It’s rare for fraternal twins to have this. It’s crazy to think that Yoichi may have looked just like AFO if he had the same amount of nutrients. But I digress…

A very notable thing about AFO’s eyes: they are huge and creepy in feral/survivor mode. We’ve seen his eyes get like this as AFOTomura and when he goes into rage mode against All Might and now Bakugo.

Here, he is quite literally just walking down the street past the anti-meta people and presumably just heard them talk about killing metas. Once they take notice of him, he turns his head towards them and his eyes are huge like a startled animal.

He then proceeds to kill them and still has that feral look.

But now let me get to something pretty important…

We don’t see AFO actually smile until this panel

Once he has a dream of everyone living for his sake, like Yoichi, he is finally smiling. And continues to do so after this point.

Something really bothering me is that they must have named themselves including their surname. Shigaraki means “death tree” which fits in nicely as they were born “from death”. However, where did Yoichi get his name? AFO must have named him and Yoichi can mean “first gift”. So he named him that because Yoichi was QUITE LITERALLY the first thing AFO ever had. As for AFO…I don’t know if he would take the time to name himself. Yoichi only calls him big brother so he may have told Yoichi to just keep calling him that then decided to name himself after the Quirk he also named himself: All for One. Dude is really committed to the bit.

There’s one more thing I haven’t seen anyone touch on yet…

The hatred.

As you probably recall, Hawks has a talk with Best Jeanist over AFO’s lack of emotions and lack of hate. Why he has to use Tomura to get OFA.

406 explained why that is perfectly.

When he feels hatred, he is forced to remember WHEN HE WAS TOLD HE KILLED HIS BROTHER HOLY SHIT. It would also be possibly the first and only time he ever cried. Felt real grief. So, he never “feels” REAL hatred because that would mean having to confront this memory.

It’s fucking genius.

You’’re welcome.

#all for one #afo #my hero academia #yoichi shigaraki #boku no hero academia #bnha afo #bnha yoichi #bnha spoilers #mha407 #bnha

[enderwalk]

fuck

#i hate being plural only because the mourning process is so much. harder #everyone is over with this except for one person. and every time she fronts now the body gets so sick from grief and regret and anger and. #i feel bad. she didn’t get a choice in what happened. no one told her until it was too late and she still hates wilbur for it #we’ve had to stop her from reaching out to this person so many times and i feel awful with her this upset #mellohi tried to help and it only made. spruce worse. I’m just tired of this #i miss when she used to just have fun talking to her partners and now it’s just like #she only fronts to be sick with grief or pain and get organizing done and leaves.

[headspace-hotel]

some times i see people talking about the Earth and climate change saying things like "now i know it is difficult to deal with utter hopelessness, terror, and visiting the thoughts of death"

and it's like wow I am so deeply sorry about the suffering. but...concern. Concern. Tell me, am I missing something important? Why do I feel a sense of hope for our planet? Am I a lonely fool? Have I been consumed by naïveté and misguided optimism?

That would be weird. It feels weird. It feels like I would be well suited to despair. My natural temperament is Mortal Terror making my body crushed for a thousand years at the bottom of the deepest trenches of the ocean. I've thought before "I can't live any more. This exceeds the tensile strength of the human spirit."

And then? After irreversible catastrophic failure of the soul, there is...what?

We try to imagine the future where we fight to save our home and it is very painful. The resistance feels so small and the machine of death feels so vast. But something's missing.

Everyone else is missing—the plants, trees, bugs, beasts, and creatures. Hello? Are the other humans seeing this? Nature wants you to know that she is not a princess in a tower. Look! Look at the chaos moving through every cell! Iterating! Adapting! Becoming! Thriving! Watch the pollinators tirelessly at work, observe the mycorrhizal network in the forest floor distributing the rich fruits of decay and photosynthesis for every inhabitant! Pay attention! We belong here too. They feed and shelter us, give us the very air we breathe, and in return we plant and propagate, cull, thin, and burn, shape, trample, till, shepherd and sprout seeds. Our species can look toward the future, to the world of our descendants. We can call every plant and animal by name and teach our children to use and care for them responsibly. We can feel this anger, pain, and grief on behalf of the family of Life, OUR family, and we can love the smallest beetle and the humblest moss.

Look at it! This thing is nothing like me, it does not benefit me, it has no use or purpose for me, but LOOK at it! Look at its intricate structure! Look at the marvelousness of its behaviors and biological functions! Look at its uniqueness throughout the whole universe! Look at it, and see its infinite value!

I saved a baby tree from the scorching hot gravel of a parking lot. I watched it grow and thrive in the hands of its caretaker. Many more followed, trees and herbs and flowers, rescued and carefully placed in cups and old tubs that once held yogurt and sour cream. This is so strange, I thought. They're everywhere, offering themselves for free, and no one thinks to take them. Everyone thinks transplanting a tree is hard and that nothing grows on the edge of the pavement but weeds. But it's so easy??? This is weird. Plant Nurseries Hate Her: Get Free Plants With This One Weird Trick.

I protected an old barren garden patch where nothing had thrived from being mowed and weed-whacked, and transplanted little plants that I found. I marveled at the bees that came. Chicory bloomed, then asters and goldenrod. I shed actual tears over a spicebush swallowtail. I ordered some milkweed from the internet, and the monarchs came for them. Less then twenty-five bucks for a divine experience like this. Wow, everyone else really needs to know!

I started volunteering at a nature center, and was allowed to transplant flowers where they sprouted in inopportune locations. I collected tons of seeds all fall and winter long.

There is much, much more, all of it bigger than I ever would have imagined. But this spring there were more birds, in number and in species, than I'd ever seen in my back yard before. Chickadees, swallows, finches, nuthatches, jays, cardinals, warblers, sparrows, woodpeckers of every kind...I remembered just a couple years prior when all I ever saw out there was a couple grackles or starlings or robins, with the occasional sparrow. Those birds come in flocks rather than couples now. And then the bumblebee arrived. An American bumblebee, endangered now, a queen. For a few days she was always out there, would fly out and buzz around me when I came out to tend to my now-innumerable plants. It's nesting time for them. She chose this place I was creating. She saw that this place would take care of her.

A week ago, I discovered wild strawberries growing in my Mamaw's driveway. I found lyreleaf sage growing beside a gravel road. I've become a master of transplanting; I took several of each home. Yesterday, I saw a tiny, metallic blue bee, an Osmia mason bee. Today, I saw an oriole and a strange, very fancy fly. I see something new almost every day. Every day I am being irreversibly changed as a person. How did I ever fail to see how much this matters?

I said I feel hope...do I feel it? I don't think it's a feeling, I think it's a practice. It's being part of our communities and our ecosystems. Nature's interconnectedness is both reality and example: to survive, we take care of one another. And when one member of the community helps another thrive, it creates a cascade that increases the thriving of all. Just by existing, you help us all survive.

You can only take care of so many plants before you have to give some away. You can only hold so much knowledge before you have to give it away. I gave seeds to a dozen different flowers to my next-door neighbor and she invited me inside and wouldn't let me leave without food, and we talked about plants and trees. A family friend lets me have goats' milk and heirloom vegetables in exchange for help around the farm, and I listen to him talk about trees, bugs, and soil and learn so much I feel like I'm about to explode from knowledge.

Being a caretaker is unavoidably a community-oriented, community-forming thing. You can't grow plants all by yourself. Your garden will make too many tomatoes. Share them. Your milkweed will make hundreds and hundreds of seeds. Spread them. Wild blackberries invite you to take and eat. Your lonely retired neighbor invites you to talk and keep her company. Once you grow delicious fruits or little oak trees, you always have a reason to greet someone and say, "Look, it is a gift!"

We're not alone. We are not separate. We take care of each other. Every species, every individual. A single action of caretaking creates a cascade effect of thriving. A single unapologetic love for a creature creates a blossom of curiosity and fascination in everyone surrounding. It's so powerful.

As my chemical romance says "I am not afraid to keep on living"

#nature #community #plants #gardening #you are not separate from every other thing #the wonders #caretaking #plantarchy