#i hate the fact that adhd meds don't work for me

[tardis--dreams]

Keep realizing that i probably couldn't do my semester abroad in korea even if i wanted to because of all that stupid medication i take that's not allowed to be 'imported'

#like i guess i CAN go without the adhd meds and the occasional sleeping aids #but I'm quite fond of that anti depressant because it's the first one that ever worked and potentially having to give that up #sounds a little depressing lmao #been thinking about this for months now #just the fact i can't travel without worry because of the meds makes me mad #i kinda want to get off them just because of that #(and because i know i won't get a new person to prescribe them to me if my psych stops working #no chance to get access to proper healthcare in Germany if you don't want to sell your soul and sacrifice your first born #yeah no I'm bitter #sorry #this makes me sad #i guess the other meds should be fine since they're for physical health and don't fall under these heavy restrictions #but even with them it's stressful because even then I'd need to do paperwork and get proof i need that shit #and even if i have all that i can't take more than the supply for 3 months #i fucking hate it #really makes me bitter even tho i usually don't even mind it in my everyday life #but if i want to be free to go wherever i want i can't take meds but i need them so that's kinda fucked up #shut up amy

[not-poignant]

Jesus H Christopher, Pia. Your writing load is insane.

Maybe you should cut back on how many chapters you release for certain stories? Like Stain and Palma (since these stories dont equal income) until UtB the other Underline stories are almost done. Just a thought

Because I feel burnt out just by thinking of writing that much, so I can only imagine how you feel. Please take care of yourself

Hi anon,

TL;DR: My brain is stupid, which is why I can't do this, even though it makes sense and is logical.

Unfortunately the fanfiction is what often makes the original fiction possible, or more enjoyable.

If I lock myself down into too much schedule and rigidity, or if I only focus on writing for money, I actually start to hate writing, even if I love the stories. There is nothing like 'will this earn money, do people like this, would people pay, what if they all decide to stop paying for this, why would they pay for this, would I pay for this, how much would people pay for this, is there any incentive for them to pay for this, actually if I wrote a ton of different tropes maybe I'd make more for this, but that's depressing, but I need the money, shit what do I do, what if I lose my income, what if it all stops tomorrow, I need to write more, I need to write more, I need to write more' that is actually very exhausting and makes writing not much fun at all.

And to deliberately break out of that headspace as much as possible, I write fanfiction. Because that headspace (the one I wrote about above), on its own, even if I'm only writing two stories, can and has led to burnout and depressive episodes. I don't recommend it.

In a way, one of the reasons I can write so many stories right now (ADHD meds aside) is that I am letting myself break out and just have fun with fanfiction, and remember that my original writing is meant to be fun too. But without fanfiction, I lose sight of that very quickly.

Fanfiction means that when an original story chapter does super badly, generally there are still excited comments elsewhere that keep me going. That's how I survived The Ice Plague, and that story would never have been completed without fanfiction, because that was my worst performer of any story I've ever written. It also means if a lot of subscribers leave at once, I don't feel like The Worst Writer In The World. So having fanfiction behind me was like...a literal safety net or my security blanket.

If I have to discard my security blankets or use them less often in order to keep writing the original stuff, I might as well just stop entirely, because my longest hiatuses from Patreon (i.e. one lasted 1.5 years, many have lasted 4-6 months) have been when I'm mostly just writing original fiction, and am not writing much fanfiction, or not deliberately finding time for it, and finally get so stressed out re: money I literally have to stop. I'm on a (partial) Disability Pension.

A long time ago some professional people told me I probably shouldn't be working at all because of my mental illnesses and then paid me money because of the severity of those mental illnesses. My dumbass brain be pretty fragile, actually, and keeps chugging away because I make bad business decisions and write stuff I enjoy instead of writing to market, or doing rapid release, or releasing more novels (or novels). Writing does ironically help when I'm stressed, but not when I'm stressed about making money because of writing.

I will cut at my income before I cut at my love of this job, and unfortunately fanfiction keeps me going in this job, which means I can't really cut at that first.

(Also from a business perspective, it's actually a very good funnel to the original stuff and then subscription. Most of you wouldn't be here if you hadn't read one of my fanfics first and then gave the original stuff a try - I try not to think about that too much because I need fanfic to not be about money, but the fact is, I would not have this career without fanfic).

I do have plans to take two weeks off in January from posting chapters (I can still post rewards in the second half of January) and that's not too far away.

And the reality is that I probably would have kept going okay if real life hadn't imploded on top of everything like the world's worst bukkake party.

#asks and answers #personal #pia on writing #i am not a smart business owner #i'm an emotional fragile mentally ill one #who has to make decisions that keep me wanting to do this job #because at the end of the day #my severe treatment-resistant mental illnesses #do not do well with the pressure of making money #and feeling like a failure #so i need to actually do things that aren't about money at all #to remind myself that i don't need to have a breakdown #over never making a minimum wage #(i'm getting closer though which is probably why this burnout came on) #(i've been pushing a lot harder than normal because... well... i'd like to make #an average income one day) #(i may not be smart enough or well enough to do that) #(but i will keep trying) #i just have to keep trying as someone with a very broken mind #who copes with that brokenness through working hard #breaks are stressful and i have to think hard about what's best

[breannasfluff]

Imagine there was a law once a year you had to kill someone else to survive and not be able to be killed that year. As a problem to overpopulation.

I hate the "Is the cup half full or half empty" thing. It doesn't help to see if I'm pessimistic or optimistic. Seeing as my view depends on how the glass was set up. If the water was poured first, it is half full. If the glass was filled completely with water, then half of it got dumped out, it is half empty. How can you say "Oh it's half empty" or "oh it's half full". Also both of those are technically correct, so why is this even a thing? You literally can't tell anything from this and I hate it.

I don't think anyone is dumb. Everyone learns differently. Just because the person is not understanding the concept, doesn't mean they are stupid or slow. That means it is not being taught in their learning style. There are like 7 different learning styles, and I know for a fact there are almost no schools that try to teach people using all of them. It's not your fault for not understanding something, sometimes it's not even the person teaching you fault. Sometimes the wording is just confusing in your brain or you need longer to process and make connections. I just hate whenever someone uses dumb as an insult. It doesn't make sense and yes there are some topics I would be "Dumb" to, but that's just because I haven't tried to learn them.

Silent letters in English are so dumb. Or words that are just not spelled like they are pronounced. Like what's the point? It just makes everything more confusing for everyone. And also the different spelling for every day thing from like British English to American English to Australian English. Like Gray? I honestly don't know how to spell it correctly where I'm from. I change the spelling every time I spell Grey. It's so dumb.

Did you know ADHD meds don't work if you have certain foods after or before you take them. Mostly foods or things with vitamin C. Just a thought.

I have no clue why I wrote this. I had ten thousand other things I could be doing. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed my random thoughts and I'm sure glad for the ask anonymously feature in tumbler!

According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little. Barry! Breakfast is ready! Ooming! Hang on a second. Hello? - Barry? - Adam? - Oan you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up. Looking sharp. Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those. Sorry. I'm excited. Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son. A perfect report card, all B's. Very proud. Ma! I got a thing going here. - You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me! - Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye! Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! - Hey, Adam. - Hey, Barry. - Is that fuzz gel? - A little. Special day, graduation. Never thought I'd make it. Three days grade school, three days high school. Those were awkward. Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive. You did come back different. - Hi, Barry. - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. - Hear about Frankie? - Yeah. - You going to the funeral? - No, I'm not going. Everybody knows, sting someone, you die. Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead. I guess he could have just gotten out of the way. I love this incorporating an amusement park into our day. That's why we don't need vacations. Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances. - Well, Adam, today we are men. - We are! - Bee-men. - Amen! Hallelujah! Students, faculty, distinguished bees, please welcome Dean Buzzwell. Welcome, New Hive Oity graduating class of... ...9:15. That concludes our ceremonies. And begins your career at Honex Industries! Will we pick ourjob today? I heard it's just orientation. Heads up! Here we go. Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times. - Wonder what it'll be like? - A little scary. Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco and a part of the Hexagon Group. This is it! Wow. Wow. We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life to get to the point where you can work for your whole life. Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive. Our top-secret formula is automatically color-corrected, scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured into this soothing sweet syrup with its distinctive golden glow you know as... Honey! - That girl was hot. - She's my cousin! - She is? - Yes, we're all cousins. - Right. You're right. - At Honex, we constantly strive to improve every aspect of bee existence. These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology. - What do you think he makes? - Not enough. Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman. - What does that do? - Oatches that little strand of honey that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions. Oan anyone work on the Krelman? Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that every small job, if it's done well, means a lot. But choose carefully because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life. The same job the rest of your life? I didn't know that. What's the difference? You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off in 27 million years. So you'll just work us to death? We'll sure try. Wow! That blew my mind! "What's the difference?" How can you say that? One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make. I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. But, Adam, how could they never have told us that? Why would you question anything? We're bees.

Gray with an A is how you spell it in the USA. It has the A for America. Grey is the British spelling.

#asks #why me

[pretty-prince-lulu]

SIDE CHARACTERS/COLONISTS TIME

have a readmore. I want to write words and I just took my ADHD meds so I'm having thoughts that come in sequence instead of pinging off each other like marbles falling down stairs

lyfield there has a social skill of zero and is abrasive, and yet is more popular than his highmate wife. for reasons I can understand.

mel and misambil there, a drakonori and a frost giant respectively (also a couple) are his absolute rock-solid BEST friends. they have maxed 100/100 best-friendship links. they come and train together all the time. they have also banded together to try and befriend caelum, a shy little animusen who spent his childhood as a selective mute and is incapable of the social worktype.

they also share tips and mutual lessons with each other in magic. Misamibil is a shadow (I guess you'd want some stealth counterbalance to the fact that you're 5 times everyone else's height), Mel is an apothecary and shares his potions with his BFF while they train and Lyfield is a shaman who can throw up healing totems and invoke Enrage on his friends when actual battle strikes, which causes them to do a fuckton of damage until it wears off.

Lyfield is also huge and apparently clumsy as fuck. He goes ass-first through at least one chair a day. He's a night owl and gets real shitty if he has to work during the day, but he mostly uses his night shifts to train, which means everyone in the colony is constantly hearing his fucking rifle. ALL night. every night. He's good at making weapons and clothing but 99% of the time he just wants to do combat training. he refuses any and all cleaning and he won't carry jack of shit.

Mel is a masochist who LOVES the cold, explaining his choice of spouse. (his real name is Tak. We're not sure why he calls himself Mel. I guess it does sound classier?). He mostly trains our animals. he LOVES cats (he will bond with them very fast), is 'angelically beautiful' and can grab people with his tail and just grip them until they're finished being fuckoffs. That royal coat is of apparently awful quality but I CANNOT get him to take it off and not put it back on immediately.

Misamibil is a quick sleeper, quite obviously absolutely massive, shares Roly's fondness for cannibalism (she still hates him but will apparently warm substantially if he learns some magic; we have... been unsuccessful teaching him so far), abrasive (hey, maybe that's why she clicks with Lyfield so well) and apparently sickly but I seldom see her catch very much. Maybe it's a relative term for frost jotuns. due to being the size of a Jeep she is a very good miner, but mostly (when she isn't training) she's one of our field medics. She has a good relationship with most people she's spent time with but she stays pissed off at the occasional apostates we get for a long while. I guess disavowing the faith that she has annoys her.

not forgetting, lyfield's wife, Varklir:

is one of our teachers for the colony's children. She has a perfect link with lyfield but that's mostly because she's a highmate; they have little in common and don't see each other while working much because the rifle range and the school are on opposite sides of the colony (which felt like a good idea to me).

she's a good teacher but to be honest she's kind of a bitch. she is aware that her coworker Crane is beautiful but is the only colony member that I've noticed that does not a bonus to their relationship with him for it. She does NOT care- in fact, she snubs him a bit because he also hasn't bothered trying to learn any magic. I'd contend he has a pretty good excuse for being the main schoolteacher and a key researcher on the side despite being a vampire subtype that still has to sleep, but she disagrees with my assessment. She's also kind of annoyed by her new student, Irocarve (half genie half highmate hence his baldness), as he has come to his first day of school without putting on pants first, and that gets a relationship penalty here. He also doesn't know magic, but he's listening to his lesson, which earns him a few singular points of opinion back. Jesus Christ, Varklir, he JUST turned three today.

She is a summoner, which I feel like is increasing her disdain of the colonists without magic as her summons are doing a significant portion of the work around the compound on their behalf. She was apparently a jeweler as a youth. Nimble, small and enlightened (meaning she's very resistant to being worn down by the constant magic tax caused by her summons). She is also apparently a martial artist, despite being incapable of violence, which means if she ever IS in a fight she can yoink the opponent's weapon and throw it to the ground. She's vengeful, but that trait has been suppressed by her Highmate blood. I would argue that the suppression is, uh, incomplete. She has negative relationship points with every single non-magician member of Chaos Gene.

I cannot decide if I like her or if she kind of annoys me...

#rimworld

[alexissara]

Happy Disability Pride

Originally I was working on a very personal deep dive in my own struggles with coming to terms with disability but it's really hard to write about the abuse, the self hate and stuff so I wanted to write something more light hearted to celebrate and maybe I'll get that up too.

I'm disabled, something I refused or a very very long time, it was just this year that I finally accepted, I am in fact disabled. I have dyslexia, a cocktail of other mental stuff [probably Autism/ADHD/Anxiety], chronic stomach issues [Probably IBS atm doc isn't sure], and my body is aging so who knows by the end of the year if i'll develop more new physical disabilities. I've gone through a lot in my life and while I had rejected the label worrying about taking up space, i've decided to simply embrace it.

After years of ignoring my stomach issues and trying to blame myself, my eating habits, anything else for why I had stomach issues since I was a little girl, a few years back I was so ill I had to be hospitalized on an off for over a month. Even after that and now being on meds for over a year daily It took a long time for me to go like "oh ya that probably means I'm physically disabled right". It can be hard to internalize how interconnected disability struggle is and just how wide disability is as umbrella.

I don't want to reject that part of me or reject the community solidarity and I am happy to be who I am, I am glad I am alive today and that the particular struggles my body and mind have given me have shaped me into the woman I am today.

So I guess, all I have to day is let's fight to keep making life easier for all disabled people. For accessibility and for disabled rights. The world is not made for us but we deserve the world so let's keep going forward together for a better future.

#disability #disability pride month #personal

[hiccanna-tidbits]

AKGHBKUEFYDGJ when I tell you I just BARELY got all my submissions from last year's Hiccanna month in in time for this year's Hiccanna month--

Truly I have levels of procrastination inside me that most college students can only dream of.

So anyways, here's a moodboard for a fic I wrote a full-ass year ago. A moodboard that I made...last week XD Better late than never, I guess?

The fic is We're at the movie scene where everyone drowns, and it's also posted both on my AO3 Infrared_Ultraviolet and my ff.net Infrared-Ultraviolet! Go check it out :3 Hopefully I'll have the time and energy to write more full-length one-shots for Hiccanna month this year, but we will have to see! I'm a working woman now earning the big bank so I can continue to pay my internet bills and maintain the fandom lifestyle XD

Anna gets to have terrible insomnia because she is my beloved projection blorbo and she gets to deal will all of my issues for me <3 But hey, it's not like it doesn't have canon basis! We see that she does in fact have trouble getting up in the morning (enough to make it a running gag!) and is pretty bleary and out-of-it when she does, which could easily be the result of not running on much sleep and (unwillingly) staying up late. We can also see pretty consistently that she's not what would be considered a "morning person" (although I have my doubts such a thing even exists in real life). Anna's pretty heavily ADHD-coded, which often has insomnia as a side effect because your brain will not turn off ever, least of all when you need to sleep. Things like time blindness when you get super into doing something right before bed or existing anxiety and/or paranoia that's exacerbated by the ADHD really do not help, either.

Anyways, I'm here to tell you that the fear of forgetting your sleep meds when you're going on a short trip/crashing at a friend's house is very, very real. Especially since you often don't realize it until everyone else is already dozing off and no one wants to take you to the pharmacy to buy more XD At that point, your options are a) start taking shots in hopes the alcohol drowsiness will put you to sleep or b) lie awake and get bored and angry and hate your life and also have no one else to talk to because everyone else went to sleep in under 5 minutes. Yes, it really is that bad.

The one upside is that there IS the possibility you will get to watch your crush sleep in a non-creepy way (like you didn't seek them out like a stalker--you just can't go the fuck to sleep and they happen to be 5 feet away!) and fawn over how cute they look doing it XD Which is the only thing that gets Anna through the night, I'm pretty sure!

Although being alone with the stars and the creature noises doesn't sound half bad, if you HAVE to stay awake XD Better than staring at the wall of your room, anyways! Still praying for Anna to get that Starbucks the next morning, tho ^^;

Man, I really wish my college campus had had a duck pond with amusing but occasionally aggressive geese. We had some pretty insane squirrels, but staring down a squirrel is just not the same as being chased by a hissing goose. This is something that I think should happen to everyone at some point, to keep humanity humble. Also being followed around by hungry honking geese while you try to evade them and go to class sounds like the exact kind of college shenanigans I needed in my life! Instead of the depression-laden mess it actually was ajnsdlkuhkuedgh

I love the idea of Anna kinda inadvertently memorizing Hiccup's freckle patterns and finding little designs in them, like constellations <3 She pays WAY too close attention to him, and it shows XD I remember back in college I was gone af for this one guy, and I noticed he had this freckle pattern on his cheek that kind of looked like a baseball diamond. And I adored the fuck out of it ;____; If anyone replaced him with a clone who didn't have that little baseball diamond, I would catch on SO DAMN FAST. I imagine Anna would do the same thing with Hiccup XD Ain't nobody swaps Hiccup for a doppelganger without Anna being ON THE FUCK TOP OF IT.

Pretty pleased with how this one came out! I kind of wanted to do a juxtaposition of dark pics with well-lit pics, and I think the end result turned out pretty decent! Also ended up with a green, orange/brown, purple, and black color scheme, which all go together surprisingly well :O

Any modern AU Anna would also definitely own that exact greenish-blue sweater. Just sayin!

As always, pic credits available upon request!

#hiccanna #hiccannamonth #hiccannamonth22 #hiccannamonth2022 #aesthetic #moodboard #hiccup x anna #anna x hiccup #hiccupxanna #annaxhiccup #hiccup #anna #hiccup haddock #princess anna #rotbtd #rotbtfd #modern au #college au #camping au #httyd #frozen #crossover

[myatuesday]

The ever-present question of...

Wtf is "wrong" with me?

+

Wtf do I do about it?

-

Today's question... is it Avoidant Personality Disorder aka AvPD? Or... is it just me?

-

I feel like I have this, but it's not been pervasive my whole life. I also was recently dx w ASD. I'm wondering which came first or one is masking itself as the other or what.

My social anxiety started at 18, but I've always been an outsider or outside of social norms. I'm ok w this minus obviously it impacts my ability to work or accomplish things.

And now I find myself avoiding more and more. I haven't been out in public since May 1 (it's July 1). I haven't seen any friends or gone on a date since... April maybe March.

When she said the thing about holding in thoughts and opinions, that's so relatable to how I felt and interacted w friends when I was 18. I'd just sit quiet in a social setting, my mind of fire, but scared of sounding stupid. Or sometimes I'd be out w friends but literally sit away from the group, distant or try to make myself smaller in some way like by sitting on the floor. Sometimes ppl thought I did it for attention which was humiliating and my worst fear. It's like dear god NO please stop focusing on me. Fuck. 😭

Now that I'm an adult and social expectations have changed, I just... don't leave the house. I don't work because I hate social interactions and nobody likes me anyway (this isn't a self esteem thing, it's a fact. My job history will make that abundantly obvious).

Interestingly enough, my self esteem is mostly fine. *I* like myself. I just know nobody else likes me. So... why the fuck am I going to subject myself to that if I'm perfectly content alone?

The problem is things like making money, doctor appts, legal stuff, etc. Then it becomes a problem. And I'm prone to meltdowns, anxiety attacks, panic attacks, etc.

I have Cancer and I'm avoiding going to the Dr. I opened a letter today, because I won't even talk to them they're sending certified mail, about an appt I missed back in April. It's July.

I'm scared to talk to them about my fears about the procedures because I don't want to seem dramatic or annoying whatever, so... I'm just sitting at home w a tumor.

Totally normal stuff.

I guess I'm just writing all this hoping someone will give me insight. Is this just ASD? Is this AvPD? Is it both? Is it something else all together?

I'm currently dx w CPTSD, Depression, multiple anxiety disorders, ADHD & ASD.

Ativan and sometimes xanax help to a degree. But I'm having issues getting these meds due to supply chain issues.

My dream is to just live on a farm or in the woods or something. Just away from society completely, in my own peaceful little world. But that requires money which would require work. So... I'm kindof just on a fucked up loop. It makes me feel suicidal often. Just the finances of it all, the pressure.

A life without other people would just be so much better. I feel like if I can't have that, life is too hard to bear mostly.

Oh. And I avoid my family too. Yes. I have for decades. I'm sure they think I'm a dick. But it's really that I'm nothing like them and just... really don't feel like dealing w it. Again, it's not that I don't like them, I just know they don't like me anyway. And I don't get the social protocol of spending time w people, that's just SUPER awkward and uncomfortable, just because they're family.

I'm an only child for whatever that's worth.

That pretty much covers it.

_

Then the question is always like...

Maybe it's not me.

Maybe society is just fucked and the fact I want nothing to do with it and am nothing like this people is actually an extremely sane response to their disordered lifestyles and behavior.

Not being able to function in a fucked up society and wanting to drop out of said society actually seems like enlightenment and self care.

Right? Right.

#AvPD #avoidant personality disorder #ASD #actually autistic #aspergers #actually aspergers #social anxiety #anxiety #CPTSD #BPD #mental health #mental illness

[kuriquinn]

Just had to share this because I'm so excited: for the first time since 2016, I'm under 200 lbs.

I've always been really worried about the extra weight I had on me, especially since we have heart disease and diabetes in our family. Prior to the pandemic I hit 230 lbs, which for someone 5'7" and a tendency to put weight on around the belly and boobs is not good (fuck BMI as a health calculator, the visceral fat is the thing that needed to go down.)

So in 2019 I decided to deal with one of the major deterrents to me doing anything physical and which had caused me terrible damage to my spine: scheduled a breast reduction.

For pandemic reasons it took me about a year before I was able to get it, but during that time I started trying to take off even just a little in preparation for surgery, not doing anything too strenuous (my back is too fucked up and my knees too clicky for something high energy like running or zumba or aerobics) but basically just walking and swimming and gentle yoga, and of course, the dreaded diet. I managed to take off 5 lbs by myself before plateauing in a way that my weight refused to budge.

Luckily my surgery fell between a period of lockdown ending and then month later going back into effect (ah, Quebec. Wtf.), so I spent early 2021 recovering but once my surgeon gave me the go ahead (i lost about 5 lbs more from that surgery alone), I really tried to get into better shape

And it sucked.

And my weight didn't change.

And I kept losing motivation and went weeks, occasionally months without activity and only barely watching what I ate. By some miracle I managed to maintain instead of gain but it wasn't until this year (about the time I was semi-living on my own) that I really got serious about getting healthy.

A lot of motivation for that came down to witnessing Rebel Wilson radically go from overweight to healthy in like 1 year and finding out that she did it without dieting. (And she's also like me in that she will never be a tiny person which is role model goals imo)

And most important (which I think is what messed me up every time I tried to lose weight) keeping in mind that losing weight is not an overnight thing. It might take me a year or more to do it, but I had to celebrate the little milestones and not hate myself when I couldn't stick to goals and such, and also make goals which were reasonable.

So in January I gave myself a best-case goal of losing 40 lbs by this December, regular case 20 lbs, absolute least maintaining (since most years since high school I've put on an extra 5 lbs).

The fact that I'm halfway to that goal by this time in the year makes me feel amazing because it's been so hard to stick to a plan or a goal in the past, especially something as important as health wise. So even if I don't lose anymore weight this year and just maintain where I'm at now (hit 199.9 on the scale today and I don't care if it's just 0.1 off, this is the first time there hasn't been a 2 anywhere on my scale in eight years!), I've already managed to meet my own expectations.

And I really hope that this is just one of more goals I've set for myself, such as finding a job I like (not even love, just something I can do my best at without killing my soul) and getting back into writing, that I can complete by the end of the year.

A big part of that is going to be getting some help with my ADHD, which has been crippling me a lot worse the past year. I feel like as the depression and anxiety meds started working, it exposed all the symptoms of ADHD I've been able to ignore or mask my whole life and which since my burnout I haven't been able to do. So yeah, either gonna need to find some kind of affordable therapist to work with and maybe meds to help manage it, but for the first time in a while I feel like it's possible?

Anyway.

That's just my mood today, and a lot of you have been key to keeping my morale up and dealing with depression stuff (even if I don't interact much with you, your posts make me smile and keep my confidence up!), so thanks so so much for being you, and I hope whatever your personal goals are, no matter how big or small (seriously, just something like getting out of bed in the morning or taking a shower is a huge goal and you are awesome for managing it!), you achieve them.

XOXOXO

Kuri 💜

#personal #weight loss #depression #adhd #physical health #mental health #real life adventures #positive

[wyn-n-tonic]

Hello.

I hope this isn’t to personal. You can ignore it if it is, but I read your post about your diagnoses and…it…just really spoke to me. For a few years now I have suspected that am on the spectrum and the more I read about experiences like yours I get more and more convinced. I just….how did you go about bringing it up to your doctors? Did you have to go for testing to get the diagnosis? I’m really nervous to bring it up to my doctors. I am worried that they are gonna look at me like I am looking for attention or something. I am in my mid 30s and I’m afraid that they are going to question why I am bringing it up now. How can it be possible that I have lived 35 years and am just now bringing it up? The sad thing is that it’s affecting how I live my life and, if I am being honest, has affected my entire life. I feel isolated and alone. I want to grow these friendships that I am keeping at arms length.

hi, babes! this isn't something that i feel is too personal. i like to consider myself an open book for two reasons: 1) these things are just facts of my life, they happened or are happening and just speaking on them has no positive or negative connotations, they're just true. 2) if there's any small possibility that something i went through and my willingness to talk about it can help somebody else then i'm okay with living with pain or reliving it because it means others don't have to feel so alone.

this is a very long post so i am going to cut it.

so... bringing it up in your thirties is super not weird. especially if you are a woman (or AFAB). so much of our understanding of autism is still developing, it's still being researched, it's still being understood. and, like ADHD, it presents differently in girls than it does in boys and, well... healthcare is sexist. there's also still a lot of really fucked up biases that people have where they think of those with autism as being high support needs (otherwise known as low functionality but i fucking hate that term) because, again, they do not understand that it is on a spectrum.

and first of all, i want to say that self diagnosis is super valid and accepted within the autistic community. even if i said in that post that i don't feel like i am enough of anything to belong anywhere, i know that that statement is still true. i think that i'm closer to the end of the spectrum than either of my sisters but i'm still there and, really, how much is that just because i've learned to mask and tamp down who i am my whole life that now i don't really know how to get out of that? it's like when you pull funny faces as a kid and your mom tells you that your face will get stuck like that, you know? my mask feels pretty stuck.

ALL OF THAT BEING SAID. bringing it up now is so important and not at all attention seeking. you're looking for answers and you deserve to have them no matter how old you are. it's your body, it's your health and it's your brain. you deserve to know the things about it. then you can consider support needs and apply that to your life. of course, you can just apply support needs to your personal life and home as it is but sometimes asking for reasonable accommodation at work requires the official diagnosis.

for me, i do not have an official diagnosis yet of autism. i got my diagnosis of ADHD (which i was diagnosed with as a kid but since i don't have access to those records, i had to redo it). it was three hours the first session, three hours the second and then one and a half hours the third and it cost me a lot of money because my insurance did not pay for as much as they said they would. please don't let that deter you, though, because my version of a lot of money in this instance came at a very financially hard point for me. my doctor was like, 'look, let's get your stable on the ADHD meds and then we can start discussing the possibility of autism and sending you for testing.' this man looked at me two months later at a check in appointment and was like, 'yeah, i don't even need to send you for testing right now, i am very comfortable with just telling you that you are autistic.' i have worked with multiple psychiatrists and mental health professionals, as well, who have randomly mentioned it to me in conversation before this which is what really got me interested in figuring this shit out. like on psychiatrist just looked at me while we were at lunch and went, 'you know you're autistic, right?' and then i've had another conversation where i was talking about how i interpret some thing in a social aspect and this therapist was like, 'oh, because of the autism right?'

i will, at some point, start picking apart the healthcare system so that i can be officially tested and have that official diagnosis. because, at the end of the day, having that official diagnosis is having protection for yourself. especially in the work place. i just don't have the money for it right now and have a surgery i need to be focusing on alongside paying down debt.

i started with a psychiatrist because i work in mental health and can kind of navigate my way around in my state regarding rules and where to go and it's still SO FUCKING HARD to understand. i'm unsure what state you're in (or if you're even in the US, i'm so sorry, i shouldn't assume) so it would be my advice to bring it up with your doctor first and foremost because they likely will have resources and referrals that they can make. in some states, it actually has to be your doctor who diagnoses you (never mind that psychiatrists legitimately went to medical school too or whatever, we have established that the government doesn't know shit about medicine). hopefully they will have those referrals and can be a better guide for you. if they don't, however, i would say make an appointment with a psychiatrist and let them know that you just want to look into all the possibilities to help you feel and be the best version of yourself that you can feel and be. and that's not always medicine (there is no medicine for autism), sometimes it's just having the fucking knowledge.

because my psychiatrist, when he started the evaluation, we were talking and i had to take all these questionnaires for all the different mental illnesses and he was shocked. he was like, 'you are lighting up all of these questionnaires. you are leaning positive for bipolar and for borderline, your anxiety is one of the worst scores i have ever seen and your depression is.... have you ever been hospitalized?' like... sir, do not even suggest a grippy sock vacation, i cannot afford it. and i told him that i don't mean to sound like a drug seeker, i'm just very self aware and i work in this industry and i've done a lot of thinking about this. but i've been in therapy for years now and it is very helpful but it isn't enough and i've been treating my depression for years as well and i'm on one of the highest dosages of my anti depressant and it barely scratches the surface of my suicidal ideation because, underneath everything, i still feel different and unwanted and like i'm not getting it. i can be smart all day, i know i'm not stupid, but i really don't know how to navigate a lot of life and it goes so far beyond social anxiety. which only told me that my anxiety and my depression were not my illnesses, they were my symptoms and treating just the symptoms does nothing to treat the root cause of it all. And for the first time in my life, a professional agreed with me not to get me to shut up and get out of his office but because he believed me.

he said, 'that makes sense to me. because i'm talking to you now and i don't think you truly have manic episodes that would suggest bipolar disorder. i think that you've been depressed for so long that nobody knows who the real O is, not even you. so when you feel good and 'manic' the way you're describing... that's actually how you're supposed to feel all the time.' he started me on Adderall and we actually increased my dosage at my last check in but i'm going to request going back down. because that first month on the adderall was perfect. my brain was quiet, there were no intrusive thoughts, i wasn't fidgeting to get through the day, i understood and listened to my hunger cues, i was losing weight healthily (for a girl who's had an eating disorder since she was five, that is a huge deal for me), i didn't bite my nails, i wrote 50k words in the month of August. and then we started discussing the autism. and the more we talked and the more reading he had me do and the more reading i did for myself not to mention the personal interactions i have with those on the spectrum that tells me so much about myself like.... it all just made sense of everything for me. like it hurts! it's wild how much it does hurt. i feel like nobody talks about the grief of later diagnosis as much. and grief is weird and you're allowed to cry and crying is okay. because this isn't a bad thing, it just sucks that you had to learn so late in life that you feel as though it's too late for you. i promise it's not because i have to have that hope for myself. it's just gonna take a bit but it's actually really freeing.

i hope any of that made sense or was helpful, friend. i will try to answer questions or if you wanna just talk, we always can. i'm not a licensed professional by any means and these diagnoses look so different for every body but i'm here to commiserate!

#ask o

[not-poignant]

Have you ever worked on just one fic at a time (how did you find it?) or have you always worked on multiple fics at once?

If you've done both which way do you prefer and what are the pros/cons for each?

Hi anon!

I have worked on one fic at a time before! When I first started out actually, I wrote pretty much all of From the Darkness We Rise, and most of Into Shadows We Fall without working on anything else.

And I know there's been other times where I've also briefly worked on other stories solo.

What I learned is that I vastly prefer working multiple projects at the same time. It's a very personal preference, some people hate doing things like this, but I love it! For me, I find that if I have writer's block on one story, I generally won't have it for another story (and if I have it for every story, then I'm exhausted, which is different, lol.)

I don't really get writer's block anymore, or perhaps more accurately the tools I use to deal with it just always tend to work now. But I still prefer to work on multiple stories at the same time.

General pros / cons for me are

Working on one story:

PROS

Focusing on just one thing, often very rapid updates (i.e. 2-4 a week) (see cons for the downside of this)

Can basically exist in that world and only that world.

CONS

Sometimes 'writer's block' actually means 'writer's block only for this story.'

Inconsistencies if you crash out on a story and aren't working on anything else.

Missing out on other 'tones.' If you're only working on a grimdark smut story and feel like writing something wholesome you are shit out of luck until you finish your giant 2 year long story.

Take less chances on 'risky' stories. Things like Game Theory and The Nascent Diplomat etc. literally wouldn't exist.

Working on multiple stories:

PROS

No more writer's block! (For me)

Able to switch between lots of different tones, so I can go between dark and smutty, to heavy worldbuilding, to wholesome and consent focused, between different kinds of angst, and different genres.

It's more fun (imho)

A good way to justify writing quieter stories, because you might be getting more comments and feedback somewhere else. As an example, it's a lot easier to commit to Smoke in Autumn on the side even though that's comparatively very quiet, because Underline the Black and A Stain that Won't Dissolve gives me enough dopamine for everything.

I can work on fanfiction and original fiction at the same time. Always a bonus.

For readers who only want one kind of story from me, there's a much higher chance that I might be writing one of those kinds of stories. Very useful given I know a lot of people who actually hate omegaverse lol.

My wordcounts are actually higher because I'm more inspired.

The possibility since starting ADHD meds of actually working on stories to save for *after* current serials which is totally new for me.

CONS

A slight increase in the likelihood of continuity errors due to holding so many worlds in your head on a regular basis.

The 'I don't really want to work on this story even though I have to' feeling.

The internal pressure of 'oh shit am I working on too many stories right now' and feeling quite overwhelmed.

No story is getting 2-3 updates a week most of the time and sometimes I worry that means people will hate it.

-

As you can see anon, for me personally, the pros of writing multiple stories absolutely wins out. These are very specific pros/cons to me, and for someone else, the cons of writing multiple stories might be way too long.

Fun fact: Game Theory would never have been written if I focused on 'one story at a time.' I started writing that towards the end of Into Shadows We Fall, and started putting chapters up for it before I'd finished. I just won't take risks in the same way when I'm only working on one story at a time. I doubt I'd ever have written original fiction on AO3 at all if I'd forced myself to stick to one story at a time!

#asks and answers #pia on writing #i'm definitely multiple stories all the way #different playlists for different feelings #the more the merrier #i also really like having stories i work on most days of the week #and stories i can write a chapter for once or twice a month #it's just way more fun for me to do things this way #so it works out well because i like this job!

[kart0]

meds update plus rant: day 10

I knooow, I knowww no one cares and this is a blog just for me but I'm sorry I skipped day 7 ! I got so overwhelmed and cried a lot and I just forgot to do it, I was rlly tired

anyways, honestly I can't remember at all what happened...

I did have a pretty bad mental breakdown, because I had to do a writing for uni and it took me 6 hours to finally do it. I was sitting in my desk my notebook opened in front of me and my iPad with the article opened and I just. I just couldn't. and it's hard to explain when someone asks "well what have you been doing in these 6 hours you were procrastinating ?" because. I literally did not do anything. I was definitely stressed and paranoid tho. I kept opening twitter and closing it bc I had one thing in mind and it was "do the writing. do the writing." and it kept going on repeat and... sigh... if I at least used these hours to relax or have fun, just, no, I didn't and I didn't do anything. I don't know why, it is always so frustrating. but I was able to eventually and it took me only 20 minutes to do so.

everything was going alright. I submitted my writing ( at 3am ), then went to uni, took 2 exams which were in pairs so it went fairly well. I was really, really happy with myself cuz even tho it took me 6 hours to do it I actually did everything I had to do.

and then I had another writing to do. and it started well ! for 2 minutes

and then I procrastinated for 7 hours. at 11pm I was already sobbing because I was so frustrated with myself. it's so easy ! just do it ! just start it ! you have to do it then just do it it's that fucking obvious ! and at 1am my dad entered my room ( originally to scold me for being awake at that hour ) and he saw my red nose and puffy eyes and asked me why I was crying, and I said because I had to do this project. and he then said "do it then" and left the room and I started crying again. I really hate myself. and then, at 3am I realised i wouldn't be able to do this work, and also I had to study for the exam I'd have on that day. so I went to sleep. and I felt so incredibly defeated. I lost. I always lose in the end, no matter how much I'm working hard, or how good things are going, bc the previous day I had managed to do it, and then it all fell apart.

of course i struggled with the exam and I failed my test. and when I got back home I just laid in bed and I felt really...weird. like. definitely bad but I felt really. idk, but it was bad. I couldn't do anything, I couldn't cry, I wasn't able to focus on social media at least to distract myself, I couldn't sleep. I also had not eaten anything basically all day which definitely did not help at all and I think in fact it made things worse

but then now is day 10. and I am done with my exams. I went to a bday party ( that was on a bar ) and I had a bloody Mary for the first time. it was good. caught up with some old friends. I'm really proud of myself for staying alive, taking my meds and not forgetting a single day, even if I might not be able to take every time at the same hour oof. but I feel proud I think.

I definitely need to checkout on a adhd/add specialist, my current therapist is more focused on depression and grieving haha. there are some days like today that I really feel hopeful for my future. and I feel like I really want to improve. but it's rather rare, most of the time I want to die and feel like I'm condemned to live miserably forever

as for side effects, I don't remember if I said it but sometimes my hands shake pretty bad and my body feels weird and hot and I can't focus, but it usually lasts 10 minutes and then I'm alright. this only happened 3 times that I remember. I also lost basically all my appetite which... is definitely bad because uhm I have an eating disorder and body image issues so I'm like, torn. I'm happy that I'm not eating but I don't like that I'm celebrating this thoughts I don't want them to win yet at the same time I'm thinking how much weight I'm going to lose and unfortunately it excites me. I'm trying to eat properly. I also became really tired on the last two days, like really really tired and sleepy all day but when I go to sleep I suddenly get anxious and it'll take me longer to sleep. for now I think that's all.

I hope things get better for me. this update was long, and I apologize. I will try to keep up with the schedule I made. goodnight :•]

#me #update #rant #antidepressants

[pink-slay]

Support Needs/Life

I think it's wild how I can barely meet my own basic needs but be somewhat successful with my academic/career pursuits. I can't spend too much time on academic/job stuff, but being able to work for 4 hours some days with naps and powerchair tilt is weirdly juxtaposed against my inability to take care of myself. I cannot clean my own room without making my autism and adhd causing me to feel severely overwhelmed, having my paralyzed legs tremble from bending over while sitting down, having my heart rate sky rocket and go dizzy, and nearly pass out. At this point I don't clean any more; I just clear a path with my grabber and sometimes pick up random things next to my bed while in my bed (and then get some help from friends). Getting dressed is the hardest part of my day. I have three different sets of braces I need to put on every day and pulling my pants up is so hard. I can't cook unless it's in the microwave, but even then I sometimes avoid doing that (and the dishes get moldy anyway because I can't successfully executively or physically function well enough to wash them). I barely brush my teeth anymore because it is so much work, and I only shower once a week.

I need to get a carer(s)/PCA(s) but it is so overwhelming to find anyone I would be okay working with and who would have enough experience/comfort with some of the more physically challenging tasks (lifting, rolling, etc.). I hate the fact that all I have thus far done on this account is rant about disability, but sometimes I feel like even though I can barely sit up unsupported (barely might be pushing it, my trunk support is shitty as fuck) and I can't do so many basic tasks and have to sleep so so much, I still think I "shouldn't" identify as a severely disabled person. But I don't really live indpendently now (and my situation becomes more dire as my school environment that provides my supports is ending the school year soon) (and I know everyone depends on people but not to cook for you or get meds or clean or dress you or manage sensory overload and overwhelm that comes from all these activities). I know I'm managing without some of these for now but it is so so hard. I wish I knew what to do or that other people could just say that my experience is valid or something or that I'll make it out the other end of this (even if it means just having needs met and not becoming less severe).

#disabilties #disability #disabled #severe disability #severe #support needs #carers

[cuckoo-among-beasts]

TO THOSE I SPEAK TO OOC (DISCORD ETC)

I've been thinking about this for a few days. Things are really, really rough for me atm, both with the usual, but also some family and friendship stuff (not with anyone here, it's with my flatmate). I've also been without my adhd meds for what will be 3 weeks now and they help me with impulses and emotional regulation. Idk if I'll keep this post open, since I'll feel guilty and disgusted that I post it.

I'm writing this here instead of contacting everyone in person, this way no one need to respond to it. I don't want to be more of a bother than I am.

I also won't reply to stuff in group chats/servers (unless specifically tagged).

I will stop initiating ooc contact with people atm. Idk for how long, but for now I just feel like everything I say and do are wrong and that everyone are angry with me and hate me. Those who talk with me does it out of duty, but I'm actually really annoying. This is by no means anyone's fault and I logically know that I'm overreacting. This is my brain being a bitch with trauma as well as rejection sensitivity dysphoria. I've tried to not initiate contact for a couple of weeks now, but I forget. I also feel a little lonely if I don't talk to anyone online, but it's better to be lonely than the constant anxiety of wondering if others hate me or not, if I've upset them or hurt them. It's better to push away than be pushed away. This is very much a me problem, I'm not blaming anyone for how I'm feeling (well, besides those who have actually gaslighted, bullied me etc in the past).

If you want to, you can write to me on discord, but be aware that this is what I'm currently struggling with.

I do not want to talk about this. It's very embarrassing and has been used against me in the past, so the fact that I even mention this is a big step for me.

Sorry to everyone for me being... well, broken. I do try to work on it, but it's hard when you barely manages to stay alive and also have no professional support.

#ooc #tbd

[thelocalconstellation]

Just gotta shout into the void for a minute

Something about the fact that I'm just. So fucking exhausted right now. Between work and school and the fact that I was sick for the last week, still suffering after effects actually, which caused me to miss 75% of the week, I'm so so so fucking tired. Nothing really helps either. I feel like my wizard keeps getting dragged into encounters I'm out of spell slots so I'm down to my last few hit points and I'm stuck fighting with my fists because I can't do anything else.

I can't do homework because I need somebody there I can walk through it with or I can't get my ridiculous fucking brain to understand it because my fucking adhd put my processing speed in the dirt and my doctor didn't want to put me on meds last time and my next appointment to go over it again with the doctor and my dad isn't until next tuesday and it doesn't matter I have three shifts left until the season is over for work I'm pretending to have energy when I feel like I haven't gotten to have a break since early august and the two or three days in this mess I haven't been trying to do school stuff or at work I can't relax because I should be catching up on notes or doing practice questions or working on things I missed or doing one of a billion things and two people I knew died in the last month and I don't know how to tell you that seeing a kid who barely hit adulthood, a kid barely older than you dead is really fucking bad for you.

I don't know if its hormones if its adhd if its just my world keeps getting shaken like a really fucked up snowglobe or what but I haven't been able to regulate my emotions at all in the last month and I can never keep a decent sleep schedule during the school year which makes literally everything worse and so I'm stuck in an endless loop of falling asleep in class, trying to do the things I need to for class, trying to do homework or whatever I didn't manage to finish in class, not being able to go to sleep until late because I don't get home until five, I have to have dinner and do the dishes and do homework and I need some time to do something fun or I'm going to hit burnout a lot faster than I should and by the time I manage to actually do half that its anywhere from 11:30 to 2 am and I have to get up early so I can go in to get help for chem because I fell asleep yesterday and I missed something and I don't understand the material because my brain refuses to take anything I learn and actually put it away!!!!!

Im just. So fucking tired. So so tired i want to be able to be nice and help people when they ask and do things but I'm in a damn near constant state of overstimulated and exhausted and I don't know of anything that I can do to fix it at all and i just dont know anymore.

I want to sleep. I have a headache. I cant sleep because I'm stressed about everything ever. I cant manage my personal hygiene well enough to try and even do anything about it via self care. I don't know how to dress or anything to give me any good vibes about my appearance beyond "this is socially acceptable". I barely know what I might want to do after high school but I have no idea if its attainable. I fucked up my savings by spending too much in places I didn't think I'd be going near and I still don't know how to remind my friends they need to pay me back for sushi without being rude because theres an extra 60 bucks I didn't account for.

I could barely stand in front of a mirror long enough to clean my piercings because I hate how I look when I've been crying and I hate how I look generally because nothing but my hair feels right anymore and I'm too tired for much else.

I've been being upbeat and energetic the last couple days at work when I want nothing more than to sleep all day because nothing else feels even remotely like it brings me joy anymore.

My brain feels so fucking loud all the time and I can't think and i can't focus and I don't want to spend money on constantly buying coffee in hopes I can focus the next class because that gets expensive and I don't want to do that with energy drinks because I don't want my kidneys to hate me and I don't know where the caffeine pills went and tea never has enough to help me focus and I can't get the adhd to bugger off long enough for me to do my schoolwork and I'm stressed and tired and I feel like I'm out of options. I don't have energy to hang around my friends much anymore. I've got one friend i can interact with regularly without being more tired and I don't know if I'll even have time to talk to them much this week. Nothing I've tried is working and I'm just. Tired.

Im just some kid. I'm too tired for this guys

#vent post #tw vent #tw death mention #tw child death #technically? #he was barely an adult if at all. #death mention tw

[asafeplaceforus112]

Gaurfians of the galaxy vol. 3 because this is the only way to bond with my withdrawn father figure so I have to deal with the homophobe on the screen.

Anyways, we start off with an epilepsy warning so fucking wish me luck

Oh no not the racoons

I JUST GOT RADIOHEADED SEBD NE HOMD

Christ Pratt is acting as repulsive as his choice in church is

Fucking poor nebular

He got owned by a German dog

COSMO UR A GOOD DOG

EW GROOT STOP

Adam dude is the bully from maze runner actor ???

Also it's cute that mantis and Peter are considering each other siblings

they DECAPITATED THE BOY

Awwweee he tried ))):

MSNTIS

"nebula!" "Piss off," same girly same - bossy

*that hurts" "whst a potty

Oh my god the rocket

Horrible little Groot head ud nor my favourite version

Poor rocket

The otter I'd gonna die and im gonna be sad

The fucking rsbbit

Horrific

Tol is now the otter

Tol is such an otter

Me too Cosmo me too

They're all going to die or get horribly hurt and I'm going to get sad

The fact he got a step so he'd be higher

Fuck off god you don't have the right to get rid of me now bitch imagine bringing something into the world and then killing it for fun, fuck you

And before fuck wits rock up, no it's not like abortion. We're not having this convo on a fucking gaurdians of galaxy post.

Oh man Peter had no idea

Me I'm mantis, you gonna trauma dump? I'm gonna question you're shit

The rick and is koe a dick head " maybe I wanted a nut" "they're all gone *eats one*" I hate him now

Gamora is fun sassy

I'm sad that they're not sisters anymore though.

Baby rocket ))): such a baby

Poor rocket

Oh no I'm so worried for they tortoise. Yeah I looked away that was fucked up.

I hate this man . Low ke? High key the worst villain so far

Ha ha amongus

The choice of flesh as the planet theme is not fun, not fun sound texture

Not fun for our brain to see skin hsrm

Eewwwww this scene is so much no fun without fun music behind it

I enjoy nebula and mantis so much

Shut up more

"I got one I love* my mum

I KNEW IT WAS AN EJECTION

Awwwe duck y'all mantis tried her best

Oh no that was the lacky dife

Mantis same noone fucking tells me and then get upset at me fucked up man, fucked up

Quill no quill no

Poor receptionist

Poor Gamora,

Please don't please don't please don't please don't please for

I dead ass said it outloud please dude I had a feeling but please don't do this

Noooo not the carrot guy

I hate Peter, incel mother fucker. All the femme people in that elevator think he'd annoying and maybe pity him

Was the horrific squish needed huh?

"they're corporate shells they're not going to listen,"

Awwweee poor receptionist just trying to do her job

They're all going to die and I'm going to be sad

I'm gonna cry when something happens to Lyla

The system naming each other dead ass

Bossy is rocket

Why are they watching his trauma

Gamora is fair

But also nebula is the smartest

The poor animal dude

Gamora is a fucking dumb ass

Kind of really safe they this movie resulted in ticket getting side lined

Same mantis same

Fuck you all I felt thst

I felt that, the seeing your parent being fucked , fucks you up

Those poor animals

Oh no he just found out

Awwwe man fuck off I feel that I feel like that's how it feels to be autistic, the expectation that you can figure it out and then just, not.

Panda dilf

My brother playing ball with me

I thought it was going to be a med pack and would kill the bat person

Is that a Vocaloid?

Drax is our second brother

The system be like

Also

Bossy is 100% nebula

So he has a stretched out face because ticket fucked up his face right?

Smol is the floor the rabbit in our head now and I'm going to sob when they die

Asssssnnnddd there goes tol

I am mantis, we have done stuff like that

Drax is a dumb ass

Obviously the fun of war pig, but also the pig noises are horrific in a great way

Kinda sad to see the gold lady die

The gun thing worked for me with possible ADHD but one hundred percent there's a dude bro who thought it was soooo obvious and come on guys hod could you not know

Tol is mantis telling bossy to knock it off

I swear to fuck if he's killed off rocket I swear to fuck

Did I just deal pooled did we just get Deadpooled ehdy the fuck

All the kids look like a bunch of mini albleist movie singer

Mee too, fuck off Cosmo is a good dog fuck you

Oh same kids, when too gets upset thats when we freak out

Come on whistle dude you got this

I'm sorry I fucking laughed at the yonda but, I'm just quirky like that /j /lh

Good dog Cosmo

AWWWWWWWEEEEEEE Cosmo is so cute o love Cosmo more than anything

"there is no god that Is why I stepped in"

Oh shit was not expecting a coupe (sp?)

Man I wish my earphones sat in my ears so nicely

I love mantis

I love that for rocket, and I love that it's Groot, than nebula than quill, than mantis, than Drax and the. Reflectantly gamora.

Oh 100% you know that Drax was the "last" one coz it took him a moment to understand what was happening

Okay the fight choreography was pretty dope.

Like especially the part with rocket and Groot? Just really fun camera work

THE FACT NEBULA LOST NECK SUPPORT AND THEN KEPT GOING SO MUCH FUN HOLY SHIT

If any of these kids die I will be upset

Warlock dude really tried

Mantis trying to do the save and then screaming

If they kill nebula I will be upsetand I will call it homophobic

Yes I do think it's really cool that Cosmo got them locked up correctly

I'm fucking sobbing at the baby racoons

I would feel so rock rolled if my whole life I said I wasnt a racoon and then I was

ROCKET JUST TRHING TO CARYY ALL THE RSCOOBns

FUCK

And the vibe of "I can't save you all I'm so sorry"

And then rocket just yeeting the babies to safety

NOT GAMORA PEELING HIS FACE OFF

The body effects is cool

Get the animals please please

YES YES IM SO HAPPY

I'm so glad they got them all out

YEHA fuck y'all they can turn into higher forms if they were forced let them fucking lice

Awwwwwweeee the fact that Peter got the key card coz he knew it was important for rocket ))):

Why he not got his mask huh???? He knows how important that mask was????

The fuck man???? Dumb ass motherfucker

OH FUCK ALL THE STUFF IN HIS BODY IS EXPANDED HES FUCKING DHUBG

FUCK OFF THATS SO DUMB, HAVING THE POSE AND SHIT THATS SO FUNNY

Also it wasn't the card it was his iPod thing but

Someone get him some med stuff jeez

Awwwee even the gold dude joined in on the hug

Awwwweee the realisation that for Groot it's like his mum forgot him thats so sad. How could I not find it sad.

He literally whined the whole time please do not give him the girl in the end I will be upset

Oh fuck nebula saying that drex was born to be a father

Awwweee poor rocket, he finally got his family together and they're all leaving

Awwwwwweeee it was for rocket

Awwweee all the little racoons

"awwwwweee fuck off" reaction seeing Groot dance

Awwweee they're best buddies stop that's so sweet

I love how she's adopted three massive beasts and is going to go live and exist like that

Awwwweee he's grandpa that's so sad okay they got me I got teary at that

I forgot about the severed toe

He's so big ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

I love that they're a whole new different kind of family

Not my as reading "thanks to all the fans!" As "thanks f*gs"

"star load will return" ah fuck really ))):

Idk overall, enjoyable movie. I don't got anything specific to talk about, it was a good commercial movie, like I think

#gaurdians of the galaxy #gaurdians of the galaxy 3 #gaurdians of the galaxy 3 spoilers #spoilers

[dsk0fx]

My thoughts feel very all over the place and our of control right now I have too much in mt.head and it is confusing I feel angry at so many insignificant things. My head is spinning. I've never been this fucking dysphoric before I feel so shit in and about myself I'm an absolute fucking wreck I've put on so much weight I feel so awful about mysekr even though I know I am healthier now I can't look at myself in a mirror inhate my apperance I hate my hair I hate the fact I feel like I don't have a personality or any sense of self I don't know what I like or how I want to look or dress and I hate it my dysphoria is killing me I'm constantly paranoid about my period starting again I cannot be calm I need to change something about myself binding is killing me it hurts so bad ans icant regulate my temperature and I feel like my T isn't doing jack shit the gender clinic are being fuckin useless I need top surgery ans hysto I feel so out of control of everything I hate it so much I need my chest to be flat I need to pass I need my hair to be good I need to be clean I need to be clean I am not clean I need to be clean I am not taking care of myself at all ans like.i am getting so angry irrationally and protective over how Jakes been treated bad in the past it makes me irate I want to hurt anyone that has ever made him feel any bad feeling I feel so possessive n protective over him lately he is mine and only mine and the fact it's not always been that way is infuriating to me rn. Idk if it's bc he's been sick n I've gone into over protective mode or what but idk. I feel so out of control I duxking hate this I think I need to go back on my meds but I'm not sure. I don't even know who I am anymore any sense of identity is slipping away from me because I try to shove myself into boxes but I don't fit into one certain subculture n it's killing me even tho I know it's literally no big deal but I feel like if I don't I'll get judged and have to be a certain way so I feel like I have no personality of my own and don't know what ahy of my own interests of likes are because I just moulf to people around me and I need to stop smoking but I can't but im almost out of baccy

but it's the only thing making my head shut up and feel calm right now and I literally feel.like I cannot function I am so overwhelmed by everything right now I hate it so much I feel like.im.never seeing Jake right now eieher because he's at work so much and burnt out and I miss him I miss him I don't feel good at all I feel like I am going insane and I want it to stop I've been having really bad sh urges and I've been able to not so far but I'm scared but I've been drinking again and I'm trying to stop because I don't want to get dependent on drigs or alcohol again but addiction is wireed into me because of how severe my fucking ADHD is I can't help it and I need to not but my gp won't give me any of my meds and adult services arnwt willing to help or do shit until I'm 25 bx of my auriam and I dont know what's going on with the gender clinic or Mt t ans I'm so stressed everything feels too much right now my head won't stop it won't be quiet I hate it I cand motivate myself to do anything I'm a failure and a let down and not good at anything and don't even know why I am still here I cabr work im so mentally fucked in the head I can't even get a job I am useless and worthless and my.life feels hoplwss like I'm never going to do ajytbing with it I hate my head I hate my brain I hate myself I have every single little thing about myself I do not feel like a person I feel so far dissociated and depersonalized and derealizeed I feel like a feral animal trapped in a cage scratching and clawinh trying to escape until my skin is raw and I am bleeding I want to rip mt.skin off I donf feel human I am not okay please somebody bwlp me I don't want to wakw Jake up I don't feel okay I don't feel okay I don't feel okay I hate this I just want it to stop I just want to feel okay I want to feel like an actual human being and not an angry terrified animal

#vent #help me #i am going insane #i dont feel real