myatuesday

[myatuesday]

All that being said, ironically, I realize part of what's going on with me and why I feel so drained is my entire life right now is all thankless work and responsibility.

I'm having to handle all these major adult responsibilities (way over my head) while trying to literally and metaphorically clean up a giant mess that was left behind, that apparently no one else but me can and/or will take care of (in fairness, it's no one else's responsibility).

And attempting to do all of this, all by my fucking self.

I don't have anyone to say "thank you" or "you're doing a good job" or to guide me in the process.

I think that's why I feel so drained and in need of self care. Or fuck if I know, honestly.

I just know that realization came to me very recently, cause I couldn't understand why the fuck I was struggling so much with all of this. And I think that's why. (Aside from the fact it's just a lot and I'm one person and I was never even good and handling my own life. Now I'm trying to figure out how to juggle 3? How the fuck?)

And there's no solution or remedy. It just is what it is.

If I don't do this, everything will fall apart. But it's thankless and extremely stressful.

And I'm just to the point of wanting to give up. Because I feel I'm in so over my head. I feel like I'm drowning.

I keep thinking I'm going to pull myself up. But I'm not being very successful in doing so.

_

I mean, point being, I'm saying I don't understand relationships or why people need people.

But I need people right now. And I don't have anyone, which is why I'm struggling.

But at the same time, it's people and my relationship to said people who landed me in this shit.

_

So idk wtf to do

I could ask for help

But the only thing worse than asking for help

Is knowing there is no one to help me

Hence the whole... train tracks thing

Idk wtf to do

[myatuesday]

[I'll post the context at the end]

As someone who is having a hard time connecting with other people and who lives an extremely solitary life, which others either criticize or try to coax me out of, I find takes like these (below) extremely confusing and/or misguided.

But is it just me? Like...

Ok. If this is the case, why the fuck do we need other people? I could argue that we don't. Yet people INSIST that we do. Ok. Then... how does that not contradict with this women's take? I don't get it.

This was my response:

"We don't have friends, lovers, nor choose to interact w family members all to just grey rock eachother. I understand the point you're trying to make, but there's a reason that relationships require the effort of *both* parties. Otherwise, we could literally all just live in solitary confinement for our entire lives. How do we connect with someone who isn't meeting our needs? We don't. And that's why relationships fail. Again, even the healthiest most internally fulfilled person has emotional requirements of a partner. Otherwise, wtf is the point? Just to have someone to split the mortage with? They still need to treat you decently and live in a cycle of reciprocity if you're sharing a roof. I feel like you're equating being an emotional vampire w having basic needs met. There's a sizeable disparity between the two. I find it hard to believe that you don't ever need a hug or words of encouragement or appreciation from the people in your life. Or that you don't provide those for others. That's literally the point of relationships. Support. Which requires reciprocity in order to function and be healthy for both parties."

Now (though I didn't explicitly state it) this is concerning how interactions should be within a relationship. Moreso than it's addressing if relationships should exist at all (though I did touch on that).

Idk if it's me or other people. Idk if this is a ND thing. Or an introvert thing. Or what.

But I don't get how we're supposed to fulfill our every need (not that I feel we shouldn't - just hear me out), yet... we "need" relationships w other people?

That makes no sense to me.

If all our needs are fulfilled, we don't need anyone else.

I just don't get it.

_

Context is: This was a discussion in this dating group I'm in (that I honestly hate). A friend of a guy (this is a women's group) was discussing how her male friend didn't feel appreciated in his last relationship.

Another woman said he needed therapy to work through his unmet childhood trauma or some shit like that (I thought it was rude and misguided, in this particular instance).

So I said,

"We all deserve to have our needs met in our relationships though. A range of very basic needs exist, regardless of our childhood or how much therapy we've had. And there are plenty of people out there, with their own issues, unequipped or uninterested in meeting those needs. That doesn't make the person wanting the bare minimum (heaven forbid) the broken one. Stop assuming the worst in people and pathologizing the human experience."

Now since this exchange happened, based on her last comment (which occurred after I already starting posting this), I realize part of this issue is we just have a different POV of the guy being discussed.

But seeing as I'm just looking at the whole thing in a general sense, this was my response.

"I get that. I think we just have a different POV on this guy having issues vs maybe him actually having a shitty partner and his issues in that relationship being completely valid.

If we have a partner for the sole purpose of them validating us, that's a problem. But at the same time, a loving partner should be validating us. Does that make sense? That's more my point. And if they aren't, regardless of how much validation we already feel within ourselves, having a partner who isn't also validating, imo, isn't a healthy partner. Therefore wanting to leave that relationship for a more validating partner makes sense to me. You also could opt to not date, sure. But wanting a partner who validates you, vs not wanting one who doesn't, doesn't mean you're dating for the sole purpose of being validated. That's my take away from the issue this guy was having. But that's just my POV."

_

My aforementioned (original) questions/issues still exist though. I feel like there's definitely a conflict btwn the concept of "fullfill yourself" but also "YOU NEED RELATIONSHIPS SO SURVIVE".

Which one is it?

And if it's both, explain how.

I agree we need to fulfill ourselves. But it's the latter I find confusing. As in, if we've done that, why do we need anyone else? Feels kindof superfluous if not co-dependent for literally no reason.

#relationships #human interaction #nuerodivergent #introvert #friendship #ASD #aspergers #Aspie #solitude #emotional needs #basic needs #psychology

[myatuesday]

Last night I stopped my car on the tracks but the train never came.

[myatuesday]

I'm taking Cancer naps

But not losing Cancer weight

I find the former quite frustrating

And the latter fucking infuriating

#Cancer #women's health #fatigue #lethargy #weight

[myatuesday]

#Taurus #Astrology #Taurus Season #Napping #Sleep

[myatuesday]

This is NOT a supportive statement.

I'd literally rather you leave me on read than hit me with anything that remotely conveys anything resembling relating to an issue you DO NOT relate to in any fucking way.

I HATE when people try to relate to situations they can't possibly relate to. Much less to say "I totally understand".

No, you are so far from understanding, I'm trying to figure out in what way you could even begin to understand. My life couldn't be more opposite than yours. Period. Could not be more opposite.

You don't "totally" understand. You don't even 2% understand. Stop.

Ugh.

This is why I hate even trying to have friends. It's infuriating.

[myatuesday]

My 1st fiance is texting me asking dating advice (not relationship advice, like he has a 1st date for the first time in a very long time).

And I was thinking how a date I had w him, like a million years ago, is the best date I've ever been on in my life. It was totally spontaneous. We had an amazing night. There's pictures somewhere. We took so many pictures. With an actual camera. But we had a fancy dinner at an Italian restaurant that no longer exists. Then stumbled into a swanky jazz club that no longer exits. And just walked around downtown Hot Springs.

That was definitely the best date of my life. That whole weekend was just fkn magic.

Once upon a time.

[myatuesday]

It's very frustrating when all advice in regard to being burnt out on dating/failed relationships vs dying alone all is just endless loops of women saying to love yourself/be your own best friend and/or to focus on building close female friendships.

Ummm...

Bruh. Honey. Baby. Sweetie. Sweet summer child. I've BEEN my own best friend my entire life. I've spent SO much time with myself, that I'm bored of myself.

That isn't to say I don't love myself. I'm obsessed w myself.

Just Jesus Fucking Christ. Believe it or not, not everyone is profoundly disconnected from self.

"Go to therapy" is the 3rd most popular advice.

Oh, you mean that thing I've been doing for over 20 years.

Like... is it actually possible that BECAUSE we've spent so much time w ourselves, whether that's self care, healing, indulgence, making mistakes, or doing the work, or everything else in btwn, that we've actually done ALL that do death and that's WHY we are wanting a relationship

What a concept

I'm so fucking bored

And life is hard. Period.

I need help.

I'm not a millionaire.

I can't hire a personal nurse. Or a landscaper. Or wtf ever.

Like Idk how to take care of a house.

I can cook and clean and sleep and eat and fuck and paint and plant a tree.

But I've never cleaned a fish or trained a dog or cleaned the fucking gutters. Hell, I've never mowed a lawn.

I wanna decorate and garden and make babies and bake cakes and just sit on the porch and have a fucking drink.

Like

Being my own best friend or not has no real impact on that.

Going to therapy or not, at this point, has no real impact on that.

Having a close group of girlfriends sure as fuck doesn't solve that in any way. Building my relationships w my male friends would benefit me, if anything.

I just don't understand what reality people live in.

I mean, it's obviously very different than mine.

And also certainly seems to lack just basic logic and practicality.

I mean, ffs. My grandfather died alone because he was a bachelor. Period.

We could've and should've been there. But mom was busy dying of cancer and I was busy trying to figure my own shit out. [Edit: Oh this is the fun part where I brain fart that I have cancer, despite cancer being probably where 50% of my FML freak out is stemming from in the first fucking place. There's just so many catastrophes, it's hard to keep up. But, you know, I'm sure being my own best friend would solve all that for me. *eye roll*]

But if he had a partner, he'd probably be alive as we speak. He at least wouldn't have been dead alone in his home for a week before anyone discovered him FFS.

In what way was therapy supposed to save him from that? Or being his own best friend?

I suppose having a group of friends could've maybe played some role. That's fair.

But who's fucking single?

All my girl "friends" are married.

I have literally no friends locally.

My best bet is relying on single guy friends, both locally and at home.

But... idk

I just hate how short sighted and unrealistic or overly simplistic or presumptuous or whatever people seem to be.

If I hear that "be your own best friend" thing one more time, I'm gonna kill someone. You know.

Like, bitch. Stop projecting.

The reason I'm tripping is because I AM and HAVE been my own best friend. For a long goddamn time. And realize it's not enough.

Please and thank you.

Your advice sucks.

(Not that I'm asking for advice. I just see this advice all the fucking time in this dumb as fuck women's group I'm in w all these seemingly vapid fucking jaded man-hating idiots. And they all say the same shit to eachother like a broken record)

I don't want more female friendships.

Honestly, one good female friend is probably enough.

What the fuck can a woman do for me that I can't do for myself?

The most important female friend of my adult life died.

All my other friends are fucking married.

Wtf am I supposed to do with that?

I mean, converting to Judaism will give me something to do (as in to occupy myself) while also giving my life some meaning. So there is that.

But that still doesn't give me anyone to pick me up from the hospital or make me hot tea when I'm sick or reach shit on the top shelf or know why the toilet is being weird or wtf ever.

Just BASIC yet really goddamn crucial important shit that people take for granted.

I don't even really want love anymore. I don't think about love. I sure AF don't care about sex.

I care about a functioning life and a functioning household. And having all the moving parts to make shit work.

And, yeah, I'd love to not die alone.

And I don't mean the moment of death.

I mean the slowness of death. The dying that starts the moment we're born. The eventuality of death always being there around the corner. And all the moments leading up to it.

Alone in dying. Just the same as alone in living.

It's not shameful to want to share your fucking life with someone. It doesn't mean you're goddamn lacking self anything. It means heaven forbid that just maybe you want something outside yourself, because you don't want to live with your head in your own asshole, number one. And two, that you realize that you can not do all things. In 100 years no man or woman could possibly do all things. And we're going to need someone to help us do SOMETHING. For Fucks Fucking Sake.

Stop saying trite bullshit to eachother and sure AF to me. That does NOTHING to remedy the situation nor even come close to meaningful advice as to how to handle actually living and surviving the course of your fucking life.

You're all full of shit.

And if your biggest issue is learning to be your own best friend, I don't even know what to say to that. Wtf did you spend the last XYZ years of your life doing? And how interesting can you possibly be that spending the next XYZ years w yourself is enough for you?

That's a helluva ego to think that's the be all end all solution for all of our problems in life. Sucking your own dick?

Um ok. Good luck w that.

Where the fuck does that leave someone like me?

I can't comment on any of these questions because I'm 99% sure I'm literally just killing myself within the next year if I don't secure an actual real life partner or child. And I'm still pretty sure a life partner isn't going to do anything honestly but fucking annoy me if I'm just stuck w them forever, without something else to do. Like idk, raise a kid. Or two.

If someone can make their life worth living (and not just worth living, but livable. As in have the ability to care for themselves and their home and all their hierarchy of needs) by simply owning a dog and being their own best friend, more power to them.

Do we have any evidence this is realistic at all? Much less possible for a female?

I would really like to see the data. Or even an anecdotal example. Truly.

Because ime even truly capable self-assured able-bodied full grown [single] men die alone w no one to care for them or even discover their bodies. Only to get buried in a pine box without a fucking eulogy or proper obit.

But go off, I guess.

A bunch of gashes running at the mouth helping no one.

#relationships #adulthood #death #dying #life #alone #solitude #introvert #single #friendships #female #women's issues #survival #coping #trauma #marriage #partnership #motherhood #childless #unwed #homemaking #over 40 #40 #mid life #midlife #midlife crisis #mid life crisis #women #forty #cancer

[myatuesday]

I also feel like I can feel my cancer flaring up. For all I know, that's part of what's fucking w my hormones making me a hormonal mess crying all the time.

(Granted, I haven't had my thyroid meds in way too long, cause I was too sick to go pick them up and nobody would go get them for me, so that could be part of it too)

But the oral surgeon finally called. So as soon as I get those appts squared away, I need to get in to get everything else checked out.

It may be time for another surgery ffs.

Sigh.

Idk. I just know I've been feeling it for awhile now. Idk if it's just been a couple weeks or more like a month.

But I need to get that checked out too.

[myatuesday]

I do think maybe I am done eating.

Idgaf if that's positive or negative.

I contemplate suicide every fucking day.

Every fucking day.

The only thing getting me through is the idea that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

But I feel so out of control of my life.

I'm so tired. Like just emotionally and mentally exhausted.

How much I've been crying all month (well it started in February) is insane. Idk if it's hormones or just exhaustion finally hitting me.

But I'm just not happy. It goes without saying.

And eating is just one more ordeal. And one more expense.

And I just want to feel something else.

And I know myself. It's spring and... it just feels like the right thing to do for me right now.

I have SO many supplements that it's crazy. I've got super greens and super fruit and iron and calcium and this that and the other thing.

The only thing I don't have is protein.

I try so hard to get my protein in every day. That too is expensive and exhausting and tedious.

But if I could maybe just commit to supplements and simple emergency protein snacks, like eggs or nuts or cottage cheese. I think I could actually have a well-balanced "diet" without having to eat much actual food.

And that would give me something to focus on instead of A L L this bullshit.

And/or food just wouldn't be something my day or finances have to center around. It's one less thing on my plate, literally and figuratively.

I've been thinking about it for a couple weeks and now seems like as good a time as any.

[myatuesday]

I'm just going to try to trust the process.

I've cried so much today.

Not over him. Just over everything.

Life is really hard right now.

Really fucking hard.

It feels like mom just died 3 months ago.

My sense of time is just fucked.

All this financial responsibility has really become a burden.

All those months being sick just took me out. That wasn't planned or budgeted for and bouncing back is HARD.

I'm still sick.

Who knows how many HUNDREDS upon HUNDREDS I've spent on medication?

I can't eat. Idk if I lost my appetite or if my mouth just hurts (that too) or what.

It's hard being back in mom's apt.

It's just ALL alot.

-

As far as the Carter stuff, all I can do is be myself. If it's meant to be, It'll be. If not, he can go fuck himself.

I know who the fuck I am. How strong I am. How much I've been going through. It wasn't fair to be so misunderstood and questioned this whole time. Why he was so committed to misunderstanding me, I don't know. But I'm an amazing woman, capable amazing things. I'm committed to everything I stand for. And if I say I'm about it, I'm about it.

If not for the desperation to have children, I would say it's his loss. But that aside, it really is. Cause I know what type of woman I am and anyone is a fool to fumble me. Especially him, because they don't make women like me up here. Period.

I'm gonna try not to hate.

I'm not gonna push either.

Or explain myself.

Fuck all that.

I'm just gonna try to trust the process.

All I can do is pray the universe and now my family on the other side have my back and will find a way to bless me with what I want in life.

Whether it's alone or with the right person, I really don't care. I just... need motherhood to be on the other side of the door when this extremely difficult chapter is over. And I hope all the finances will magically fall into place

And that all this was just a final test to prepare me for my future of prosperity and fulfillment.

That's all I can hope for and ask for. And just... get through the shit now.

If I cry every day, I guess I cry every day.

I HATE this shit, but I just have to get through it.

The only way out is motherfucking through.

I just have to do this shit.

[myatuesday]

We broke up. Monday. Over fucking text.

(Over text? Really? Wtf)

It was a mutual break up.

But the reason wasn't mutual.

And I can't shake his reason.

It's driving my crazy, actually.

My issue w him was day to day bullshit we could potentially work out and overcome.

His issue still boggles the mind, claiming our values don't align.

THAT is what's bothering me.

Any other reason may have been fair or valid. But our values not aligning?

What The Actual Fuck?

What's even more ridiculous is this fight started over my schedule. And if I expanded on that (I don't feel like getting into it) that itself was a needless argument that never should've been an argument and could've been entirely avoided, if he didn't feel he need to control and dictate and judge and critique every single situation, rather than just be fucking SUPPORTIVE.

Which goes back to day to day issues.

But my values and principles are the foundation of who I am. I take that shit very fucking seriously.

Anyone questioning those cuts... I guess as deeply as I can be cut, pretty much. It's an attack on my character and who I am at my core.

Plus, unless there's some new development I'm unaware of, as far as anything we've discussed, our values DO align.

That was the whole foundation of our relationship.

The only issue I can think of is where we disagreed on money. I just wanted to have a simple, content little life that focuses on family. He wants to chase money to leave his kids a financial inheritance. I see the land/farm as an inheritance, but he's very money driven.

Now, yeah. That's a big difference.

But that has fuck all to do w the argument that even lead to the break up. So...

I'm completely confused.

And, despite agreeing to meet up to talk about this in person, *sigh* we've not spoken. Because of course we haven't. That's such a signature move on his part. Sigh. He just cuts and runs like nothing ever happened.

How the fuck?

-

He's been back in town for a week. A week. And we break up?

What The Fuck

-

But you know what? I'm not even upset we break up. I thought now wasn't a good time to date anyway.

The difference is, I wanted to stick a pin in it. Not just throw the baby out with the bathwater. Which seems to me to be what he did.

And I have no idea why.

Cause he just said that shit, then left me hanging.

-

Now, the reason I said it was mutual, is because I definitely said my piece too. I kept sending shit then unsending it, trying to let him talk.

But mine was out of frustration and idk... just feeling very "fuck you then" cause I was so annoyed he was picking yet another fight with me first thing in the morning. And FOR NO FUCKING REASON. No reason. Just him being fucking him.

Sigh

But he was so calm and mature with his

Blah blah bullsit, that it really just gets under my skin.

And it hurts, because it's simply not true and I have no idea what he's talking about.

-

You've know me almost a decade.

You ask me to marry you and have your children.

Then you randomly decide our values don't align, at 11am on a Monday morning. Because I say that I'm going to make my business calls in the afternoon that day because I didn't sleep well and I'm not a morning person. When just a day earlier we were taking our fertility supplements together.

Just WHAT?!?!?

Make it make sense.

[myatuesday]

FUUUUUUUUUCK

Universe, don't you fucking dare fuck this up for me! I'm *this fucking close*.

Can I just finally have what the fuck I want, PLEASE?

Stop fucking with me.

[myatuesday]

Me? What am I up to?

Absolutely nothing. Of course.

[myatuesday]

Jean Paul Gaultier Spring 2024 Haute Couture

[myatuesday]

[myatuesday]

RASPBERRY SWEET ROLLS