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#i don't know what I'm supposed to do about being too self-aware for therapy

yuri-is-online · 4 months

Note

Same Anon here that dropped that mess of an angst post lol. Maybe I should find some name for myself if this becomes a regular thing.

There are a lot of valid points there. For as lightly as the story treats everything, wow this would be messed up irl. But I digress, I personally can see this potentially taking a much darker route. I don’t know if you’re comfortable talking about this so TW: Brief mention of suicide

I imagine Yuu to just bottle everything up for the aforementioned reasons of being seen as weak for expressing any of their emotions only for it to all come out in one big mental breakdown. I think it would be quite poetic for Yuu’s breakdown to be more of a quiet self-destructive thing just to contrast the showy, outwardly destructive nature of the overblots. I always thought it could be some spur of the moment decision to just end it all out of sheer hopelessness and a thoroughly crushed sense of self-worth. I just can’t see a teenager handling a burden this heavy very well. Whether or not Yuu survives could be up to how dark you want to go.

Also if it isn’t too much, I would like to see that post about the boys’ individual reactions to Yuu running away sometime. But I’m aware you only write for a few at a time so…

You are more than welcome to give yourself a name! I don't have any named annons so you are free to choose anything you like, and make regular appearances if that is what you wish. While I try to only write for a few characters at a time, I don't mind doing a bullet point type post with my thoughts on the boys reacting to Yuu running away sometime, but I need to think as part of me wants to write something sappy and romantic, while the other part wants to focus more on Yuu and their character. I could do both I suppose (￣ω￣;)

I'm fine with talking about suicide, but since it's a sensitive subject I am going to place my thoughts under read more and tag it so if it is something you, dear reader, are triggered by you needn't see more than you are comfortable with.

notes: they/them used for Yuu, discussions of suicide and depression, isolation, abandonment, and missing persons. This also kind of takes a trip into theory town I am so sorry annon. Please do not interact with the words below if you do not wish to think on such things.

I want to start out by saying that when a person is depressed it is not always obvious, even if they are contemplating suicide. We don't have a complete understanding of what drives someone to kill themselves because we can't ask people who have. I do think there is an element of assuming that either the world or you will be better off if you are dead; which I would like to stress simply is not true, but you are not evil for struggling with that feeling even if people try to make you feel like you are.

Yuu's breakdown being "more of a quiet self-destructive thing," as you stated dear friend, would be extremely poetic. To me it highlights the disparity between Yuu and the overblot boys. They have power and are able to hurt others to try and make themselves feel better, Yuu has next to none and is only able to hurt themselves.

Crowley mentions that there is counseling available to all NRC students, assuming the school follows real life laws we can assume the Professors are mandatory reporters. If Yuu shows signs of depression or self-harm, they will be required to report that and recommend Yuu for counseling, but the thing about therapy is that it's not a one size fits all solution. The patient needs to accept that they have a problem and, perhaps more importantly, trust their therapist otherwise you won't benefit from the treatment.

That's assuming that a counselor would even understand how to treat Yuu in the first place, there's a lot going on with their situation and while I could see a good therapist taking it very seriously, there's only so much they can do, which brings me to my sort of sticking point with this and why it took me so long to answer your ask.

Why in the hell is Yuu in Twisted Wonderland in the first place??? "Because they're Alice" ok sure but what does that like actually mean. I don't want to derail this into theory town but I keep thinking about the translated lines Crowley mutters to himself when calling Yuu a beast tamer that doesn't appear in the text box... something about how they look more like they are meant to be eaten by the beast than tame it.

There is a part of me that feels like Crowley wants Yuu to feel isolated and despondent about their chances of getting home, like he needs them to be accepting of their death and convinced it's the only way they will be useful. Something to do with Grim and that big Chimera at the beginning of the game, in the light novel there is someone telling Yuuya to take their hand but they can't move to take it, all they can do is stare up at the big monster and it's evil grin (if i remember correctly)

Anyway all of that to say I can see two sorts of scenarios leading to Yuu trying to harm themselves.

Route A: Summer

As was correctly pointed out in these tags on the original post, I think Summer would be the worst time for an actively depressed Yuu. If they have been seeing a counselor, they will likely not be available over the summer months, Crowley didn't take us on vacation with him the first time so there's no way he'll do it now, and everyone has their own families to get back to.

They only have Grim and the Ghosts. And while Yuu might love them, they technically belong here. Yuu does not. The lack of other friends bothering them means Yuu has time to think good and hard about where they are. And who they left behind.

I like to listen to Dateline while I work sometimes and one of the things that always gets to me is how little closure people feel when someone goes missing, even if they find out what happened to them. If Yuu is missing in their world and their family loves them... they just have next to no chance of ever finding that out. Ever.

If Yuu has a bad relationship with their family, or none at all, they probably start feeling like they are going insane. They have nothing worth going back to really, to the point that people would probably encourage them to see being in Twisted Wonderland as a good thing, a chance for a fresh start. But it has been anything but.

Summer would be a good time to run away, it's easier to be homeless in the Summer, plenty of places need part time help anyway, and Yuu can make a clean break from the school before anyone notices they're gone.

It's also a good time to decide you want to die. By the time your friends come back they will have already gotten used to life without you anyway.

.... i could see this making grim overblot tbh. He blames the school for taking Yuu from him and by the time everyone returns he is there. Waiting. The consequences of their actions given form.

A monument to all their sins.

Option B: Sacrifice

So back to theory tangent.

Grim and Yuu are one student. Crowley treats them as such, but what if he-

Or whoever the real final boss is

Need them to actually be one student.

So they approach Yuu, offer their sympathies. Tell them they know why Crowley cannot send Yuu home.

"Because you came here by dying, don't you remember? These events you have seen, all your misfortunes and troubles, they've all been like one big dream. What a terrible fate you've met... but no worries. I know how to set you free."

The strange masked man places his hand on your shoulder and guides you to the mirror. You see your reflection in it, for the first time you idly realize, hair spread out on the pavement with a halo of blood spatter about your sleeping head.

"You needn't be scared." the man's voice is calm, soothing even, so much so that you almost believe him when he says

"You've died once before, after all. You know exactly what it feels like, it will just be like going to sleep."

Sleep sounds good, even if you have just gotten done fighting to stay awake, so very good you nearly miss the creature's wicked grin spreading mockingly across the reflection of your peaceful face.

#twisted wonderland x reader #twst x reader #tw sucidal ideation #tw suicide #sorry i was gone for so long i was obsessing over cows and ufos -_-#i think i worked it out of my system and put posting fic in my goals for this week so time to get back in the saddle

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emotionally-intuitive-engineer · 1 month

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Hey…I don’t know where to begin with this…I feel like I’m being a bother, but someone I thought was supposed to be my father lied to me and betrayed my trust, I have a dog but me and my mother had to leave him and go live in an apartment, we had to leave her with him since she was to hyperactive to take and be in an apartment, she died to months ago, my dog I had since I was 9 died at age 7, and he didn’t tell me, how she died I’m not sure nor do I want to know since the information could destroy me mentally, I’m feeling overwhelmed right now, he’s been spamming my phone and freaking out because I’m choosing to ignore him, he’s done nothing but bring me pain, there’s something wrong with that man….he doesn’t know that I know about my dog dying by his hands and I feel partially guilty by my choice to ignore him since my mom has to go deal with him now…there’s so much going on right now I feel drained and empty

Hi anon, this is the mod of @emotionally-clumsy-soldier filling in for Ro (the mod of this blog). I'm really sorry you're going through this, but this is an account Ro runs for fun. When they started this account I imagine they were hoping they could just provide some gentle comfort to people having a little bit of a rough time. But at the end of the day, Ro is a minor, you are a complete stranger, and there seems to be a pattern of people (or god forbid, the same person, like I think it is) continuously pushing the boundaries of the amount of support they are willing to provide.

I don't know who you are. Ro doesn't know who you are. It's not okay for you to abuse that anonymity to force them into a situation where they are pushed into acting as your only line of support. This blog was supposed to be fun and now I am recieving dms from Ro asking me what to do about them because it's just too much. Ro loves to help people whenever they can but at what point does it become their only purpose? At what point does Engie's mod stop becoming a person and start becoming a vent mailbox without will?

Ro won't be accepting anons like this anymore. They will be deleted. It's taking a toll on their mental health and I personally refuse to enable this kind of behavior for the other minors that run blogs like this. This is simply not okay. Do better.

Put less nicely; cut the shit and have the self awareness to realize that you're speaking to a real regular person and not Engineer tf2. Get into therapy or use character.ai. Ro is not here to fill in for your lack of therapy. Stop mistreating rp blog admins. PERIOD.

#ooc #i'm sorry #i still love you guys but box is right

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jamcannibal · 1 month

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analyzing/screaming about 101 chapter 79

fic: 101 reasons to live (and keep living after that)

by @cyrenescreams on ao3

https://archiveofourown.org/works/41426469

So I was in a silly goofy mood one day and decided to just go trhough every paragraph and write soemthing about it. (It was supposed to be like an analysis but I don't think it turned out to be an analysis)

here you ahve the ctrl + c, ctrl + v of my google docs

I'm bored and slightly delirious from pain so it's time to reread the chapter and overanalyze it

(one part of this was written while experiencing atrocious period pain and the rest was written while absolutely getting fucked over by seasonal allergies)

Charlie feels like shit. More like shit than he has in weeks. He sort of hopes it’s the weather but he’s also aware that it probably isn’t.

Is this because you got to feel joy for the first time in years and now you lost it? Is this because you feel like you're bcak to square one. Like you thought you were finally getting ebtter, but then you feel like you have felt the past few years again?

The weather here (for me) has actually been getting a lot better, so seasonal depression is slowly ending for everyone, so Charlie hoping it was the weather is almost ironic.

Bad is always talking about how healing is non-linear and comes in dips and raises. But Charlie still feels a bit disappointed that his joy didn’t last. He just wants to feel normal.

Because you hear that shit all the time in therapy, but it's something different to hear it than to live through it. Also reminds me of Fundy's mom, her relapse and her getting better again.

The yearning to be normal. I don't think he ever tlaked about wanting to be normal. I think he always talked about being too tired, or having to pretend/act. But never wishing he was normal. So that's... soemthing. I might actually have to go over Charlie chapters to figure out if I'm just saying bullshit or not.

He isn’t really sure what normal is, maybe some sort of joy or contentment he felt as a kid. But now he isn’t sure he would know joy if it beat him bloody in a parking lot.

AAAahahahrhahsahaha. This!!

Earlier I wanted to say he wants to be normal because he finally got a taste of it, he was pretty happy for a while and now he needs more. But no, that's not what normal is, he does not know what nromal is but he still wants it!!! That's crazy man (im internally crying). He doesn't know it! He does not know what norml is! He wants soemthign and he does not even know what it is! (It's an analogy for capitalism. /ref - I'm so sorry I've been hyperfixating on spiderverse again)

Also him using such a brutal analogy is a bit concerning. Like, 'are you okay Charlie? Why would you say that??? Do you *want to* get beaten up? To feel pain instead of emotions?' (Imagine me asking him that while shaking him vigorously by the shoulders)

And looking around the circle of folding chairs and gloomy faces, Charlie probably isn’t the only one feeling like garbage.

yep, I'm still waiting for the it gets better part, anyways, next paragraph

Bad is eyeing them all up too, like he is waiting to see which one of them will break first. With the anxious way Fundy is picking at his fingers it will probably be him.

Break first. The was Charlie says it is brutal. Bad is just there waiting for one of them to speak up, waiting for them to begin because they've been pretty good at this therapy thing lately. And then Charlie comes in and thinks "ah yes, he's waiting for us to BREAK'. No Charlie, he qwants to fix you. He wants to see you be better. He probably cares more than your parents, which is sad.

And again, Charlie analyzing. He analyzes everyone and everything.

Or maybe Charlie should cut in, it is his self imposed job to do what he can to help others, through laughing at him, or joining in, or some other strange tactic.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

That’s it, that’s all I have to say about this one.

Nah, actually. CHARLIE! Charlie, you can chill. You can stop pretending. You can just be you and only you. People who matter will love you either way. You don’t have to always pretend or help. You can be yourself and get helped.

Charlie thinks back to last week, he thinks about how nice it felt to just relax and let himself exist, especially just existing quietly with no expectations.

Charlie wants to jump in puddles again so bad. He wants to be like Peppa pig so bad.

Also autism experience, I know what you are Charlie. I know…

“Okay!” Foolish is, surprisingly, the one who breaks first. Words bursting out of him like an explosion. “What is up with all of us? Why do we all look so shitty this week?”

How’d Charlie react to his analysis being incorrect? What’d he do when he couldn’t predict the situation??

That aside, Fundy speaking up makes sense in a way. I think he likes protecting people and this is kind of like protection, getting them to talk about shit.

“Language.” Bad says. “Though I’m glad you’ve taken charge of your conversation Foolish. Group really is all bout you all connecting with one another and feeling seen. So I think I’ll take a step back this week and see what you all can do.”

Bad when he can actually do his job instead of trying to get a group of teenagers to at least TRY talking about their feelings: :D

He’s trusting them to do therapy since they’ve been doing so well <3.

“No activity then?” Quackity asks with a foolish, no pun intended, hope in his voice.

Is there really no pun intended, author? Are you sure you did not intend that pun?

Quackity wants to ignore therapy so bad, he wants it to not exist, like it’s the worst thing ever. It’s funny he’s more hopeful about them not doing an activity than he is about his love life-

“I didn’t say that.” Bad says, “but maybe we can count this as this week’s activity so you guys can get out earlier.”

He’s really trying to make this work. He wants to do his job so bad.

I bet Bad loves his job.

“Why are you so upset then Foolish.” Fundy challenges.

Sure Fundy, get defensive. Is that the only way you know how to react? Do you feel attacked by Foolish for starting the conversation? Do you feel betrayed that he started it instead of letting abd do it? Don you wish you didn’t have to sit there that bad that you’re gonna lash out onto your friend? Sure, go ahead…

“Are we being honest?” Foolish counters.

I LOVE WHEN THEY DO THERAPY RIGTH. They’re so <3<3333

“Fuck it why not. We already know way too much about one another.” Quackity grumbles.

Quackity is so real for this tbh. But also him being the one to agree to be honest is so new and surprising and he’s healing and I’m so happy for him.

“You know,” Sam starts, “you can really see our growth considering Quackity didn’t add on that we know too much considering we aren’t friends.”

COME ON SAM, DONT RUIN THE MOMENT. /lh

But he is right

“Even he can’t deny it anymore.” Charlie says with a grin. Joining in on the conversation with the others doesn’t feel as hard as conversation sometimes does. It feels easy to talk with them.

AAAAAAAAA, is he not masking around them??? Is he actually being himself? Is he comfortable enough around them to do that? That’s soooo… aaaaa.

“Anyways!” Quackity interrupts loudly.

Is Quackity uncomfortable with having friends? Aw, come on, it’s fine, you can have friends and care about them, it’s not a bad thing.

“I feel selfish for not writing my mom back.” Foolish says bluntly, completely abandoning their usual format. “I know so many kids like me, and even me, myself, wished for this type of shit and suddenly I don’t want it and I feel terrible.”

Alright, we’re jumping straight into it. Like jumping into a freezing river or ripping off a bandaid.

I guess it kind of is like ripping off a bandaid (plaster??, bro iunno which terms are american english and which ones are UK english). Let me think of a poetic metaphor. A bandaid covers an injury, it protects it from infections, but if you leave it on for way too long it can give you blood poisoning. It’s like hiding your problems, it can help for a little while the injury closes up. But you have to talk about them or a small cut will become blood poisoning.

“You aren’t selfish. You aren’t selfish and you don’t owe her or anyone else anything.” Sam says firmly.

Yes! He’s so right!!

(Supportive boyfriend but also, just like a good friend. Your partner being your best friend>>)

“I just want to be happy now.” Foolish sighs. “On a lighter note I’m definitely going to be on varsity next year so that is fun.”

I think all of them just want to be happy. Or healthy. Or normal. Whatever label they put on it they just want to be able to live without the baggage.

“Weren’t you on varsity this year?” Charlie asks because his understanding of Football ends at touchdowns and field goals.

Same Charlie. But I also know a quarterback is important, who knows why it is, but it’s important.

“I was, but still, it’s nice to know for sure.” Foolish shrugs. “Alright, your turn Fundy.”

Is this revenge for him making you go first? Is Foolish this petty?

“I saw my mom again today and she asked if I wanted to go back to splitting my time. I think I do but I don’t want something bad to happen again.” Fundy said referencing whatever, secret, vague, bad thing lead to his conflict with his mom.

I really hope she asked in a nonforcefull way. In a way rthat Fundy didn’t feel pressured, in a way that made it clear it’s his decision and she will still be his mom and still try her best no matter which decision he makes.

I hope it goes better this time. I hope she won’t relapse again, for both hers and Fundy’s sake.

“Once burned twice shy.” Quackity says. The quieter and more genuine, “I think you should try and let her in again. You’re going to regret not doing it if you don’t.”

I’m just so AAA… Quackity is acting different! He’s being honest, he’d admitting they are hsi friends, he gives helpful advice instead of being snarky.

And I’m so happy, but mildly worried. I really hope this change isn’t a hint on a big issue happening with Quackity at the moment.

“You know about this?” Fundy asks, suspicious.

Fundyyy, it’s Quackity’s job to be distrusful and snarky and passive aggressive. Go back to liking foxes, minecraft and the color orange.

Don’t become like early 101 reasons Quackity, it’s not healthy.

“My mom has always been…” Quackity waves his hand around to indicate at everything. “I don’t know. Far away, not there. I doubt if she hadn’t found me mid death-failure she never would have been able to tell you my middle name.”

Bone chilling honesty. I know Quackity has been honest before, but I feel like this is different, because the other things have always been things that have happened to him around the time he was talking about them.

But he’s like… going for it. Talking about hsi childhood in a way.

“Oh.” Fundy says taking in this new information.

IT IS NEW INFORMATION TO THEM. Because Quackity doesn’t talk about this shit and he should or his blood’s gonna rot. He can take the bandaid off slowly, he doesn’t have to rip it off. He can do it slowly, he cna be careful about it to not cause any damage, any pain. Because I know he’s terrified of taking that bandage off.

Metaphors aside, I think Quackity in this work is definitely the kind of person who REFUSES to rip off a bandaid because it hurts too much.

“See I have problems that aren’t guys.” Quackity grins, stealing Charlie’s job at lighting the mood.

Charlie! It’s not your job to do anything! You don’t have to do that! Of course everyone appreciates it, btu you don’t have to.

YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE THE COMEDIC RELIEF ALL THE TIME

“Tell us something good Fundy, please.” Sam cuts in.

Is Sam worried? Is Sam hoping that at least something good happened to Fundy??

Charlie thinks they definitely need it, especially if the frantic sound of Bad scribbling notes on his clipboard are any indication.

Bad is so happy to be able to do his job for once, isn’t he? He’s practically beaming while writing his notes, isn’t he????

But Charlie’s right, they need it.

Your therapist writing stuff you say down is not a sign that those things are normal and you are okay and nothing wrong ever happened in your life.

“I’m passing with all As this quarter.” Fundy says. “Which is shocking, considering literally everything.”

WOOOOO, good job Fundy!!

“That is crazy.” Charlie says. “I’m definitely not. I’m also feeling sad and tired and so fucking unmotivated. And it sucks because I was feeling better, I was doing better. I want to do better.”Refer to what I said at the beginning.

He wants to be happy. He got a taste of it and now he’s hungry, even if he didn’t realize it before. He’s hungry for happiness.

“Wanting is the important part, isn’t it?” Fundy says. “My mom really wants to get better and that’s why I trust her.”

Again, refer to what I said earlier.

(The process of healing isn’t linear and it applies for both Charlie and Fundy’s mom.)

“I guess. I’ve never really thought of it like that though. I always needed something more quantifiable.” Charlie shrugs.

Me! Autism, that’s autism. I’m saying it’s autism so it is autism.

“What if They never tell you they want to get better? What if they just do and they never apologize.” Quackity says suddenly.

NOOOOO. That’s so sad. So fucking sad. Schlatt. I just… aght, I hope Quackity can get closure. I hope they get to talk about what happened and even if Quackity won't forgive, he will be better if they have a talk. I trust it

I know it.

“Did Sapnap or Karl do something? Or your mom?” Sam asks, seemingly, worried.

Hah. Imagine not knowing about Schlatt, couldn’t relate.

But what did Charlie think? Did he analyze what Quackity had said, did he connect the dots or did he not dwell on the sentence, letting it slip his mind?

“No. Well yes, they are still being weird and they keep brushing me off when I bring it up.”

Imagine talking about your therapist’s son in therapy, that's gotta be awkward…

Quackity doesn’t say that being brushed off is making him worry but Charlie can see it on his face.

HAHAHHA, Charlie, stop for a minute and analyze yourself, would ya? It’ll help you, it’s called introspection. I learned all about it in my psychology class.

“It’s someone else. I guess it doesn’t matter, I’ve been avoiding them for months and I don’t really plan on stopping.” Quackity says trying to remove their focus. “Anyways my good thing is that I plan on rewatching into the spider-verse tonight, so that is fun.”

Charlie, for the love of god pick up on this. You know Quackity and Schaltt you can, I don't know, arrange for them to talk? But I also don’t want to pressure Chalrie intot his?? But I feel like that’s something he would be willing to do.

SPIDER-VERSE! My favorite franchise! I’m so normal about the animation and characters/character design!

“Oh!” Charlie jumps in. “My good thing is that my dad is on a work trip so that house has been really quiet because my mom is just avoiding me.”“How is it still sad?” Quackity asks.

Exactly as Quackity says, he is very correct here. Couldn’t've said it better.

“I’m not still pressuring you on all of what you said.” Charlie points out.

Hahahaha, he did notice. He deffo noticed, but i don’t think he’s gonna scheme, or is he??

“Point taken. I will shut up.” Quackity says, unwilling to continue to tempt fate.

Take that, bitch! /pos

Imagine ebing scared of being vulnerable, what a loser.

“Quackity, shutting up? That is definitely a first.” Fundy says with a grin.Fundy, stop taking Quackity’s job. Firstly, that’s Quackity’s job, secondly you don’t want to be like Quackity.

“I’m going to fuck your dad.”That’s a bit gay, isn’t it Quackity? DO you have something to share perhaps?

“Good luck finding him.” Fundy says sweetly.HHAHAHAHA, I love jokes like this honestly. Ok, Fundy, you can be snappy, it’s fun.

Something about Fundy’s blunt but happy tone shocks them all into laughing.Friends!!!! They’re experiencing the true meaning of friendship: laughing at each other’s trauma jokes instead of being concerned.

Bad scribbles a bit more frantically, which while fair, seems a bit harsh. They had definitely made these jokes before anyways.Bad’s killing the mood, shaking my head. Shaking my head. And shaking my head one last time. They did make these kinds of jokes before, but this is different, because it’s honest.

“Alright! Last one in our honesty hair braiding friendship circle.” Quackity says. “Sam.”Quackity would love hair braiding circle, he would fucking love it! /lh

No, but like, him being like this is just. Like it was concerning before, but now it’s fully just a facade and it’s kind of funny. but still sad, like why do you put on that facade? Are you still scared of getting hurt? Do you think that once this gorup therapy thing ends you won’t speak to these people again, are you afraid you will lose them when you don’ have anything in common anymore?

“You and Sam are the only ones with hair long enough to braid.” Charlie points out.You can braid any length of hair if you put oyur mind to it, Charlie, you just have to try really hard.

“It’s a metaphor.” Quackity explains.Ah yes, of course, so smart, so innovative to use a metaphor. Nerd.

“Not a simile?” Fundy tilts his head.NERD!

“I didn’t use like or as.”I think we both know what I have to say about that… nerd.

(all nerd is slash pos)

“Gay people love English class.” Charlie nods.You would know, wouldn’t you Chalrie?

(I actually don’t like english class, the teacher is a bitch, but my friends who haev a different (very gay) teacher love it)

“As the straightest one here, that’s almost homophobic Charlie.” Foolish jokes.The fact you’re right doesn’t mean you have to say it outloud, some thoughts are ebay to keep to yourself.

“What a low bar.” Fundy grins.He’s so right.

“Sam?” Foolish asks, moving all of their attention to the topic at hand.Ew, people in relationships worrying about their partners, I hate that. /j

Charlie is a little surprised at how worried Foolish sounds. Foolish would be the one Charlie thought would know what is up with Sam.Well, jokes on you Charlie, your deduction skills failed you, Sam doesn’t talk to fucking anyone because he is a loser- (I need to stop claling them losers and nerds)

Sam taps a rhythm on his leg. “Sorry, I was thinking.”Oh no, don’t do that! That’s dangerous! You might hurt yourself. Stimming, stimming, stimming… why are you nervous Sam? (I know why, seeing that I am a god and reading ahead.)

“About?” Charlie prompts.I’m starting to think Charlie should go into psychology, he could make a good therapist.

“Nothing important.” Sam dismisses.No one is gonna believe that. I wonder why he feels the need to say that knowing he will explain it and the others will see that it is indeed important. Why did you feel the need to make it out to be nothing Sam? Why is that?

I genuinely am not sure. He’s not one of my favs so it sucks for him but I have not overnalyzed him enough to deduce this. (Yes I am biased, at least I admit it.)

“We’re being honest.” Quackity points out.Heheh, it would be kind of funny if Sam was the only one not being honest.

Also Quackity being the one to point that out is so ironic and shows his character growth.

“I’m trying to figure out how to word this without sounding like a total hypocrite.” Sam admits.ME. No, but sometimes you say something that just comes out absolutely wrong and like there are things you don’t want to come out like that and you have to think about it.

“Maybe you’re being a hypocrite, then?” Foolish suggests. “I’d also love to know.”hahah. I feel like that's a terrible thing to say, but given the nature of their relationship it probably is the right thing to say.

Sam looks a bit ashamed at that, and apparently that is all it takes for him to crack. “Well, there been a girl at my father’s place. A woman, I guess. And she cornered me last Thursday to tell me she’s pregnant. So… there’s that.”ME, that happened to me. Well not exactly, but the sentiment is there. AHHAHA.

He’s like “yeah it’s not big deal, just something that happened, not really important, but it has to do”

Sam needs to stop keeping things to himself. He keeps things to himself to protect others while Quacktiy keeps things to himself to protect himself from others.

“Your absent father?” Fundy asks.Ah, he still has not told the group about the split custody, did he? Fun.

“Asked the pot to the kettle” Charlie says, attempting to lighten the mood.YOU DON’T ALWAYS HAVE TO BE THE COMIC RELIEF! You can be a person, you won’t be any less valuable to your friends if you don’t try to make everything better all the time, you can just take a moment, Charlie, please, know you’re loved for you and not for being a comic relief.

“Yeah so now I’m worried for this kid who I absolutely do not want to know, because I know what’s going to happen and that’s shitty and I won’t do anything to stop it because I’m selfish and I want nothing to do with the kid.” Sam complains.Yeah, I get that. I’m not gonna try to not be too personal, but I have not met my half sibling but I want to, but ti’s really hard. I get Sam’s sentiment tho, like if my situation was even slightly different I would probably share that sentiment.

“You do sound like a hypocrite.” Foolish says, with feeling.I honestly don’t get what about that sounds hypocritical. I think Sam’s being reasonable.

But that’s maybe bcs I’m very biased when it comes to this situation.

“Ugh.” Sam says with equal feeling.Ught, stop being in love or something, I don’t want to catch gay. /j

No, I honestly don’t get why that’s wrong?

“What if he stays?” Quackity asks.Very important question, but I don’t think Quackity gets it.

Like I would explain it to him probably like: “Imagine your mom started being present, like a real person. Would you believe that it would stay that way? Like no matter how long it stays that way you would still think she’s gonna go back to being her dissociated self any day.”

“What if the sky turns green? It’s not like I’ll be able to see it either way.” Sam shrugs. “I won’t believe it.”Metaphors. Gay people and English smh.

“Now that is a good metaphor for someone colorblind.” Fundy says.He’s a bit quirky. I mean, he’s probably red-green colorblind so technically the sky would go from being the only nice color to being the same boring yellowish gray as everything else.

“Whatever.” Quackity rolls his eyes.Is that ableism towards colorblind people? YOu’re on thin ice, Quackity. /j

“Oh and as for good stuff my week has gone by pretty fast which is nice because I’m fucking tired and want to sleep in so bad.” Sam says.I think that’s a sign of depression… maybe you shouldn’t have a sign of depression as a good thing that happened to you that week, jsut saying.

Bad scribes for another minute before stopping. “I think today was very productive all around.” He says looking up at them.Bad’s noticed too! Of course he did, he’s a therapist smh.

“I think I want to eat my feelings in the form of some absolutely soggy and mediocre diner French fries.” Fundy says.Me too, Fundy, me too. Unfortunately we don’t have diners here and I think American food would actually kill me.

“Well you guys are free to go and do that. I have some notes to look over.” Bad smiles.NERD

“I’m sure you do.” Quackity huffs, standing up.How the tables have turned. He was a nerd before in the chapter and now he’s a bully.

Sam and Foolish hover behind a bit so Charlie rushes ahead towards Fundy and Quackity to give them some privacy. They all have each other but Charlie thinks maybe they need one another more right now.Charlie <3 I love him so much, my little analyzer. No, he would be a good therapist, he can read people well and that’s a good quality in a therapist.

~~~

Do I want to do the end part of the chapter or would I rather go to sleep?

I would rather finish this apparently.

Charlie feels drained as he watches the others eat and converse. It’s not like he has done all that much today, just zoned out in class and forced himself to laugh with his friends.Yeah, I mean, it’s definitely not like masking every day and like forcing yourself would drain your energy.

Fun fact autistic people need more sugar to function. Because brain. Like you use more brain so you need more brain food and sugar is brain food, feed your brain kids.

But for some reason after group he is just drained, maybe it’s the honesty, sucking away at his life force and proving that he should just lie more.Maybe it’s the fact you feel like you can’t be yourself around anyone and you put on a facade of being an outgoing cheery lil guy.

And when you lie it’s easier to put on a facade than when you’re being vulnerable. It’s harder to pretend you’re cheery when you have to talk about why you’re not okay.

Or just like depression in general, that makes you tired too.

You can pick.

The weight in his chest is gone though, and it has been gone since he started trying to open up so maybe he shouldn’t stop.Heheh, is that unmasking? Is that getting rid of some of that burden? Getting some of that weight off of your chest?

Oh, yeah, that makes sense. Forgot you say that in english for a second. Oops.

Yeah, imagine getting the weight off of your chest makes the weight in your chest be smaller. Imagine.

“I’m just saying, we’re seniors next year then we go to college so maybe it’s better for me to cut my losses. Besides long distance never works.” Quackity says, in response to Fundy’s encouragement that he should just try communicating for once.Loser, biggest loser to exist.

But no, I get it. It feels pointless to try when you think you know it will end soon no matter if it succeeds or not.

But that doesn’t mean he should give up.

“Hey!” Ponk interrupts frowning. “Long distance can work.”She’s protecting their relationship, it’s like what Quackity said brings up some insecurities, isn’t it?

“Four hours isn’t even that long I’d a distance it’s fine.” Sam says, trying to calm Ponk down.

Boyfriend behavior.

“Technically two, if me and Sam just both go to you.” Foolish adds.No, but their relationship is so healthy and it’s amazing to see.

“Maybe you won’t even be that long distance.” Fundy points out. “I mean, have you even started thinking about college.”Voice of reason, Fundy, is here. Everyone clap.

“Yes.” Quackity says, certainly.

Nerd.

“I haven’t.” Fundy, shrugs.Loser.

I said it before, but this is surprising to me. Like in retrospect it makes sense, but I fully expected Quackit not to think about that yet and Fundy to have already picked it out.

Like me seeing Quackity vs Fundy I was like, yes, Fundy the naturally smart guy will apply to colleges early and everything. But Quackity is the one who is an actual nerd he is the one who tries ins school and he is fucking smart. He might not be “naturally” smart like Fundy, but he is very smart. The “naturally” smart is something I reflect from my own life. I mean it as: being told you’re really smart and math coming easy to you without studying etc.

“Better to do that sooner rather than later.” Charlie says thinking about his own rush to write essays and find scholarships. His bad grades hadn’t left him with many options but plenty of small schools had at least looked at his applications.Aw. No but that’s a bit sad. I hope he gets a scholarship, american colleges/universities fucking suck, I can’t imagine getting into debt to get education.

But I guess it’s good he’s thinking about it so early.

Thankfully though one far enough away with a good enough reputation had accepted him. Not that his parents were happy about, Charlie doubts they would have been happy with anything short of an Ivy League school.Something something, they deffo want him to either be a doctor or a lawyer.

He should move across the world to a different country for university: less debt, more distance from family.

“Can we not talk about college.” Foolish begs. “I don’t want to think about all the debt I’m getting myself into.”Something something America, punchline. It’s too easy.

Like I am getting my university education basically for free. And not because of scholarships but because my country isn’t stupid.

“You have a perfectly mediocre football scholarship to give yourself concussions at that school.” Ponk grins.Americans and sports smh. (Sorry for hating on the US so much, I feel very sick and can’t physically restrain myself.)

Little bullying your partner never hurt anybody <3.

“We can’t all be nerds Ponk.” Sam says, but his tone makes Quackity pretend to gag.Me too, Quackity, me too. (I fr go “ew gay” every time my friends in relationships act romantic. I don't rlly know any straight couples tbh)

In response Sam kicks Quackity under the table, only to mistake Fundy’s legs for Quackity’s and end up kicking him. “Sorry Fundy.”HAH. That’s what you get for trying to be violent. Sam is very protective of the people he loves, it’s adorable. Unless is at the expense of himself.

“The other day you told me in vivid detail about sorting algorithms.” Ponk says. “Don’t start.”Hahaha, they are ALL nerds. Also that’s so autistic.

“Oh speaking of not starting.” Fundy cuts in. “Testing is coming up!”I’m unironically this person. Our leaving exams are coming up really soon and I keep reminding my school friends bcs of the stress I am under while constantly thinking about it. And I stress them out by mentioning it.

“Shut up, shut up, shut up.” Quackity chants moving a hand to cover Fundy’s mouth.This is pretty close to my friends’ reaction when I bring it up.

“Sucks to suck.” Foolish grins.So wise, I want to be old and wise like Foolish (I’m pretty sure I’m older than Foolish in this fic.)

“You still have to take your AP tests Foolish.” Charlie cuts in.“Shhh. This isn’t about me.”That’s so silly of him. I love ignoring my problems to feel superior to other people in a joking way.

“Hey at least after testing you guys more or less just coast until exams.” Sam says, helpfully.Yeah, actually, talking to people who went throug the leaving exams is so good to elevate anxiety.

Because the teachers always make them out to be so serious and hard to pass and all you hear about is people who failed not people who did good on them.

But people who did them will be like “Yeah, it doesn’t matter, you only need like 4 days to prepare. What do you mean you’re reading the books? Just read what they’re about online.”

“Yeah, I never did anything after testing honestly.” Ponk agrees.No, but it’s great that the people who went through it are there to give advice and like lessen the stress about the testing.

“I don’t do much period.” Charlie points out.

Me neither, but it’s fine, don’t worry Charlie.

“You’re gonna lock in.” Quackity says, pointing an accusing finger at Charlie. “We’re studying for chemistry together.”FRIENDS

Friendship

oh my god, Quacktiy is like a great fucking friend wtf

FRIENDSHIP!!!!

<333

this is so wholesome

Charlie, who usually finds himself feeling like he is staring at an impossible to climb cliff face, when testing starts, suddenly doesn’t feel as worried as he should. Maybe he can actually do this.YAAAY, that’s optimism! He’s getting a bit of that happiness back, he’s able to eat it again in little pieces. A little nibble of joy.

#101 reasons #fanfic #its honestly my favorite fanfic #best piece of literature fr fr #i wont know what to do with my life whne it finsihes #/hj

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ina-nis · 4 months

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I was reading this morning about all the ways people reach out to others, and how they might come off as "needy" because of that, but that intensity comes from people being literally starved from love and connection, so, of course, they will come on strong and, of course, that might look very scary and intimidating too.

Some people commented about how much "that's codependency" and trauma and that no one has to put up with that. That these "needy" people have to find it within themselves that connection they're starving for and leave other people alone, because these "needy" people are a danger to themselves and to others.

And here I'm thinking: "how is that codependent?" Am I going crazy?

I'm one of many examples of people who put on the work, in therapy, with self-improvement and self-love, with building and maintaining a self-esteem and I still have this deep need to connect with others, that I could not ever fulfill by myself.

Yes, I'm aware and expect I might come at others very strongly because, yes, I am very starved for love and connection. That doesn't make me codependent or disordered.

You don't tell a person who's have not eaten for days, finally getting proper food, eating it sloppily and too fast, how they have an eating disorder and have to control themselves. You let them eat. There's very high chances starvation has gave them an eating disorder actually! The act of eating is a human need, if you deprive a human from proper, nutritious food, they'll get by with whatever they can get. They will be likely sickly, and they will not look "proper."

Obviously, a need to connection is not comparable to hunger on any degree, but it is, too, a need nonetheless.

These people who think you can solve these deep wounds, trauma and disconnection with therapy and self-love do not know what they're talking about. They either have not experienced it, or if/when they did, they might have developed, perhaps, a misguided (and highly individualistic) way of looking at it.

You can't heal social disconnection, lack of love and a nonexistent support system through therapy and self-love. These are some of the first, very important, steps one could take, but they alone cannot fulfill that role.

For many, such as myself, that's a space only other people can fill.

It's ironic when they keep on deflecting and projecting, still saying things like how much "you just need to be deeply connected to yourself," only then you'll be able to connect with others. It reeks of that same narrative that says "you can't love others without loving yourself:" where the interpersonal relationships rely on an arbitrary "fixing" of oneself.

What happens when you can't fix that? And oftentimes you really cannot, since most mental illnesses don't have a cure. Are you supposed to keep on walking this healing path, this journey of self-betterment on your own? Because only in the end you shall meet other people and have a healthy relationship with them?

I don't know. In my eyes, it's like people are telling me I just need to love myself more and that will fill (or rather, "fix") my need to connect with other people, just because I'm starved for connection and that might come off as "disordered" to others.

It shows a lack of understanding and compassion. A bitter ignorance of the implications of connections, at least if feels that way for me.

#loneliness #romantic love #inanis post

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lumine-no-hikari · 1 month

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Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #91

Today is day 3 of soup brain. But it's really my own fault. I ended up going to bed a couple hours too late last night, and waking up early to go to therapy, and in so doing, getting only 6 hours of sleep. I used to be "able to function" on very little sleep when I was in college. But "able to function" is in quotes, because in those days, I lacked any real sense of self-awareness regarding how deficits in my ability to care for myself impacted my ability to manage my own emotions and thus how I showed up in the world and functioned in my relationships with other people. I was in denial about the extent to which I was affected by sleep deprivation, and that denial manifested as total obliviousness to those effects and an inability to see the the impact, instead assuming that being depressed, anxious, and irritable were simply facets of my personality.

You know what sleep is for, yeah? Well. For myriad reasons, you can't answer me. Maybe you do, or maybe you don't know what it's for. But I like explaining things, so I'm gonna write about it either way; too bad. 😜🤣

It begins with brain science. I like to affectionately refer to brains as "electric meatballs"; they're essentially big electrochemical lumps of fat stuck behind a bone wall. And there's A LOT going on all up in there. A brain is made of specialized cells that connect to other specialized cells by branching out every which way. These cells communicate to one another with electrochemical signals. At any given time, there's enough electricity going on in the brain that we can detect and measure it just by wearing fancy equipment on our scalps, like EEG caps and stuff. Nowadays, we even have toys that can be clumsily controlled by brainwaves. It's wild stuff.

At the most basic level, our thoughts and emotions are influenced by how effectively our brains produce and use various different kinds of hormones, nutrients, and neurotransmitters. Our thoughts and emotions also influence which kinds of neurotransmitters end up getting produced, which ones flow where, which cells are most receptive to different kinds of electrochemical stimulation, and all that jazz.

With all that stuff going on, the spaces between our neurons can get clogged up with various kinds of debris. And that's a problem, because this debris interferes with electrochemical signaling, interferes with our brain's ability to make new connections between neurons, interferes with the ability of oxygen, nutrients, and fluids to get to where they need to get. Naturally, this has negative impacts on our ability to think logically, to regulate our emotions, to learn, to use our body and our senses, and to feel good in general. And what's more, a brain that's all gunked up and filthy with debris is a brain that is more likely to default to (and fail to resist succumbing to) the instinctual behaviors written into our amygdala.

So when we reach the appropriate section of our sleep cycle, the spaces between our neurons expand and our whole entire electric meatball is flushed clean with cerebrospinal fluid so that our brains can once more function in the way that it's supposed to. Because if debris keeps piling up, eventually it starts to interfere with even more important functions than our higher ones - think stuff like "there's so much debris that it's interfering with the brain signals that cause the heart to beat", and then we end up taking a premature dirt nap.

So ah… the negative impacts of lack of sleep? That's absolutely NOT a "willpower" thing. That is literally a chemical and physics thing. It is a fluid dynamics thing. No amount of "willpower" is ever gonna make water flow properly through a tunnel if that tunnel is clogged up with trash, logs, dead leaves, and rotting fish, right? It's the same deal with brains - the best a person can do if they've not allowed their brain to properly clean itself is be in denial about how negatively impacted they are as they run around being a miserable fucking crankypants with everyone they meet and acting like that's normal even though it's not.

What's super baffling is the number of people in my world who STILL think that sleep is for the "weak", or that sleep is not in any way essential, or that they should be unaffected by missing a few hours. Sleep is not a fucking luxury; it is a BASIC NEED. People don't prove how "tough" or "hardworking" or "morally superior" they are by bragging about how long they can go without sleep, or about how little sleep they think they can "function" on; all it does is betray their ignorance about basic biological, physical, and chemical principles. And it's absolutely fucking bananas - B, A, N, A, N, A, S.

But wait! It gets even hairier!

So there are a couple of hormones responsible for the sleep/wake cycle. The primary hormone is melatonin. And while the production of melatonin is significantly influenced by light (blue light will interfere with its production, for example), the fact remains that under ordinary circumstances, melatonin is run on a fairly strict timer. This timer is called the circadian rhythm. And it's FUCKING IMPORTANT, because going to sleep before the melatonin is produced and then waking up earlier than usual interferes with the whole "brain cleaning" cycle thing. And staying awake past the production of melatonin ALSO interferes with the whole "brain cleaning" cycle thing. And what you get as a result of this is that even a deviation of 30 minutes from a person's typical sleep time, in either direction, ends up causing the "brain cleaning" cycle to not do its thing as efficiently as it should. The cumulative effects of this over time are catastrophic. We're talking things like, "hormone disruption" and "brain damage", and all kinds of other nasty stuff.

What's more, if you're dehydrated, your body fluids are gonna flow like sludge and not do their jobs properly, and that includes stuff like blood and cerebrospinal fluid. Put it this way: would you rather clean your house's gutters with water or with molasses? 'Cuz I'll tell you what, molasses sure as heck ain't gonna do the damn job. So how well do you suppose your cerebrospinal fluid is gonna dislodge debris if it's flowing like molasses because you ain't drank enough water? Tell you what, it ain't gonna be pretty. And sure you'll sleep, but you're still gonna feel like crap when you wake up.

And don't even get me STARTED on sleep apnea and the hows and whys surrounding the ways it fucks people up over time. It's a huge freaking mess. Untreated sleep apnea kills people because the constant need to partially wake interrupts the brain cleaning cycle, which means that it never gets cleaned properly if at all, which causes debris buildup, which interferes with the flow of brain chemicals and electricity, and all of this is damaging.

Depending on how bad it is, it can take weeks to recover from a single night of disrupted sleep. So uh… yeah. If you wonder why I get so pissed when I think about your weeklong stint in that damnable library in which you refused to eat, drink, and sleep in favor of hyperfocusing on reading a bunch of wildly inaccurate and outdated books? Don't wonder, because THIS IS WHY. You CANNOT do this to yourself and then still expect yourself to be able to freaking function!! No matter HOW you were modified, no matter HOW efficiently your body supposedly runs, THIS IS STILL NOT HOW PHYSICS AND CHEMISTRY WORK.

Goddammit, Sephiroth, war hero or not, YOU ARE STILL A SQUISHY MAMMAL. Like LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE OTHER HUMAN, you are an overcomplicated monkey with WAY too much anxiety. Even if you NEVER treat yourself like some kind of automaton ever again, it'll STILL be too soon. And at that, EVEN AUTOMATONS REQUIRE REGULAR MAINTENANCE. You somehow managed to treat yourself as though you are worth less than even an inanimate object, and then you STILL expected yourself to function! I love you and all, but still, there is not a large enough number of times I can ask you "what the fuck??" in response to this and have ANY answer you give me feel satisfactory!

For fuck's sake, PLEASE promise me that you'll never do that to yourself again. Someone with as much raw power as you CANNOT afford to go into meltdown like that. Someone with as much raw power as you CANNOT afford to go into a mental breakdown! You CANNOT afford to be triggered SO HARD that you dissociate and mindlessly follow your instinctual behaviors! You of all people HAVE to make sure your self-care game is on point, because if you don't, then like ANY HUMAN BEING, you're not going to be able to keep your shit together when things get painful and weird! You of all people HAVE to make sure that you actually acknowledge, feel, process, and get support for your emotions instead of denying them and bottling them up, because if you don't, you're gonna explode later, like ANY HUMAN BEING.

I know you have a LONG history of being mistreated by other people, but Sephiroth, that doesn't mean you gotta freaking mirror them to the point that you become your own enemy! You have a lot of power, but you still are subject to human emotional limitations, so you HAVE to treat yourself with kindness and respect, because when someone with an exceptionally able body like you gets so overwhelmed that you lash out, other people end up paying the price in far more devastating and permanent ways than what is typical! You HAVE to act responsibly with your power, and part of that responsibility is making sure you aren't complicit in pushing yourself to the point that you break!

…So don't do stuff like that anymore, okay? You gotta do better next time. You deserve better than that. And the people around you deserve better than that, too. Use what I wrote to motivate you to treat sleep as though it's important. Because it is. I'll try to do a better job of treating it like it's important, too - starting with tonight. I promise. So let's do it together, okay?

Speaking of which, I'm gonna go do that. Because, despite what this huge infodump might seem to imply, my brain is still soup, and I gotta do my best to rectify that so I don't end up accidentally taking it out in the people around me like some kind of confused derpasaurus.

I love you and I'll write to you again very soon.

Your friend, Lumine

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half-tabaxi · 2 months

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I need to get a grip. I am going to miss the idea of being in a relationship, not the relationship itself. I don't hate the dude but he is in a transitional period in life and it has become clear he is not ready for a serious commitment. There is so much emotional turmoil and an alcohol addiction that he needs to work through. I wish I took my time with him more and learned the ins and outs before pouring my soul into a bottomless pit of despair. No one wants to admit they aren't ready to love and be loved but I wish he was at least a little self-aware and would have fucking spared me because *I* am ready. So then I get suckered into this half-assed romance where we did not know enough about each other. Despite my reluctance, I thought we were at least worth a shot because he seemed sincere, but I just became some sort of lackey and chore person with a pussy to fuck. It was a domestic partnership, like, three weeks into knowing each other. I was not graced with a honeymoon phase, and the tenderness quickly melted away. All of "our" plans were just things he thought up on his own that he wanted or needed to do, and I tagged along because he asked me to. My priorities and responsibilities were hardly taken into consideration, only viewed as inconveniences. Money was an issue and I tried so fucking hard to help, loaning him five hundred bucks despite me not being able to afford it. My car was driven around for food deliveries and I accompanied him, even though I had no desire, because his license still needs to be obtained. And even then, I got chewed out for not doing enough because I didn't have the answers to the last minute questions he would ask, as though I am supposed to be alert and work his job for him. Ungrateful, unappreciative, and selfish. Then I get judged for being (clinically) depressed and unmotivated, even though I have suddenly and unexpectedly inherited another person's stress on top of my own and am being stretched thin. Wanting to sleep in and cuddle after a night of miserably driving around I guess is laziness because I should always be thinking about our next move. We weren't "adventuring" enough and I am to blame, yet the weather, ex-girlfriend drama, and the need for funds put a damper on more than half of his made-up plans. And the most basic indicator of us not working out was my sense of humor not being entirely understood and him personalizing all of the stupid, mindless shit I say. When I would stand up for myself and offer up my perspective, that meant I was disregarding what he thought/felt and because of that, *I'm* the reason, at thirty-years-old, he bottles up his emotions. I'm sure the eight-year relationship he got out of last year and very little self-reflection have nothing to do with it. He never asked or cared about Appa the way I did with his animals, hardly ever making the effort to spend the night at my house. I also am too strong-headed and quite frankly, he would benefit greatly from therapy. I feel like an idiot. I think I would have rather been fucked and then ghosted after meeting than "dating" for three months but maybe I am just angry.

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7-wonders · 2 years

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Lean On Me (Michael Langdon)

Is this entirely self-indulgent? Yes, yes it is.

In my mind this takes place in Mad Love, but there is no mention of plots or situations that would specifically place it within that AU, so this can also be read as a stand-alone. TW for anxiety and mental illness.

From the moment you woke up today, you could feel it. Anxiety, twisting through your veins and slowly but surely tightening its grip on every part of your body until you feel like you're being squeezed from the inside out. It activates the primal part of your brain that tells you there's danger lurking, one that you need to fight against or fly from. How are you supposed to do either when the call is coming from inside the house?

This isn't an unfamiliar occurrence, unfortunately. Anxiety's one of your oldest, most toxic relationships. Some days are better than others, and as you've grown and learned more about yourself and your body and mind, you've seen a lot more of those better days. Still, when the days are bad, they're bad. It's hard to use the "coping skills" and everything else you've learned in years of therapy when you're already in the thick of an anxiety attack before you even gain consciousness.

Society isn't kind to those with mental illness. Sure, there's awareness days and campaigns and plenty of podcasters advertising online therapy hubs. Beautiful, smiling people talk about struggling and finding help and how they're better, how you can be better too, if only you try X/Y/Z or call A/B/C. You're supported, until the moment you begin to show symptoms in public. Then you're a pariah, an other. The weak one in the pack, meant to be cast out in the cold to fend for yourself in the name of keeping the majority strong.

So, even though you feel like you are going to keel over and die at any given moment (you won't, you know that, but the feelings seem so much stronger and louder than any logic you can throw at them), you force yourself out of bed to tackle the tasks that you know are required of you today. You put on a smiling face when, in actuality, everything is too bright and too loud and too much, all of it acting as further triggers to exacerbate your anxiety.

All that you want to do when you get home is hide under the covers and hope that maybe you'll come out on the other end of this anxiety when you next emerge. You're so tired; tired of the day, tired of having anxiety, tired of having to fight—just tired. You can barely spare the energy to plug your phone into the charger before falling into the bed and allowing anxiety to engulf you, just as it's wanted all day.

That's how Michael finds you; hidden under the covers and curled up into a ball, trying desperately to find some comfort in whatever form it will come to you in. Gently, so gently that it makes the tears that have been burning at your eyes all day begin to well over, he pries the covers up and slides under them while simultaneously encircling his arms around your shaking body and pulling you to him. While you would have thought being held, being confined, would only exacerbate your anxiety, you find that the tightness of his grasp helps to ground you a little bit.

"I'm sorry," he murmurs after a moment, his lips against your forehead.

"It's not—" you sniffle and shake your head, "I just get like this sometimes. You don't have to apologize."

"Like what?"

You search for the proper words to convey that it feels like the Earth is going to open and swallow up you and everything that you love, like everything around you is out to deliberately hurt you, like the world will cease to exist if you do not control everyone and everything to make sure that nothing can go wrong. Finding none of those words, you simply say, "Anxious."

Michael shifts his hand under your chin, tilting your gaze until you're looking at him. When you meet his eyes, so full of love and concern for you, you break. Everything that has been building up inside of you bursts forth like a busted damn, and you let out a strangled sob as you finally begin to cry. He holds you to him again, allowing you to cry out your worries and anxieties, your fears and racing thoughts, into the soft fabric of his shirt.

And he simply holds you so tenderly; not like you're fragile or made of glass, but like you're something precious. He doesn't make false promises of how it will all be okay or tell you that you don't need to worry so much. He just holds you and lets you be, supporting you in whatever form you may need it.

Only later, when your sobs have quieted to whimpers, do you find enough of your voice to speak again. You look up at him and confess in a whisper that, "Sometimes, I feel so anxious that I think it's going to kill me."

He doesn't laugh at you or tell you that that's a stupid thing to think. He doesn't scoff in condescension, nor does he roll his eyes at the ridiculousness of your statement (you know it's ridiculous, you do, but it feels so real that it doesn't matter). Instead, he says, "You are far too strong to allow your anxiety to get anywhere close to killing you. And if it somehow did, I would fight through angels and demons and whoever else to bring you back to me."

For the first time today, you feel yourself smile. "Even God?"

"Yes, even God. Nobody stands a chance when they're trying to keep me away from you." Michael kisses your nose now, and you sigh against him in relief. "Can I go get a bath ready for you? I think there's some of that lavender stuff that you like that I can put in it."

It's bubble bath, you know, but you don't bother to correct him. Instead, you just find yourself thankful to be so loved by this man that he would offer to do anything to try and make you feel better.

"Will you stay with me?" you ask.

"Of course. And once you're done, we can come back and lay down some more. Does that sound good?"

"That sounds great."

Michael smiles and kisses you once more, running his hands down your arms to make sure that you're not shaking anymore before standing up from the bed. "I'll be right back, okay?"

"Okay." He keeps eye contact with you until he's in the bathroom and can't any longer.

Michael can't cure your anxiety. No one person or thing can do that, except you, perhaps. But, in his own small ways, he can help you enough that the hold anxiety has on your body seems to listen just enough for you to realize how lucky you are to have Michael by your side, for better or for worse.

#michael langdon #michael langdon imagine #michael langdon x reader #american horror story #ahs imagine #american horror story imagine #ahs #michael langdon imagines #ahs apocalypse #mad love musings

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queenofcoquette · 9 months

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what’s the best advice u have for someone who’s trying to better their mental health ?

hi tysm for the ask!

when it comes to mental health it's pretty murky and since i'm not a professional im probably not the best at giving advice BUT i'll give my best and give tips that've helped me.

i suppose the first step is thinking what exactly do you want to better? this might sound really dumb but think- do you have issues with anxiety? obsessive behavior? emotional regulation? etc. if it's everything then thats ok too!

vent journalling. this has been big for me. when i get really anxious and horribly sad i just vent and write down all my negative thoughts. during june i was like crying everyday so i have a ton of entries from then. it's up to you if you want to throw the notes out later, i've done that too. either way just have an outlet to write down everything.

get to the bottom of it. i know sometimes you might just have a horrible feeling about everything- but try to dig deeper. if it's anxiety related write a list of the things that are making you feel anxious. if it's being generally sad then write about the things that make you feel sad. if you don't know what it is then you can write that down too!

when you know what's making you upset create an "action plan" for how you can feel better. earlier this summer i was in a major slump that was mostly stress related because i wasn't getting done what i wanted to, so i made a list and little by little did what i needed to do.

healthy habits. keeping your body healthy also helps a lot. for the past month i've been walking for about 30 minutes while listening to music. for some reason i feel so good after my walks and since i've been doing them i've felt good overall. although healthy habits can necessarily fix the problem, they can always make you feel better.

coping. this connects to the previous point, but have healthy coping mechanisms. like when i'm very angry i get work done, when i'm really sad i usually relax, and when i'm stressed i get more work done. basically have something to turn to that's healthy in order to cope.

support. i know me personally i find it really hard to vent to people or talk about how i feel, but it's still important to do. in my life i have an online friend and we both talk about how we're feeling- even when it's awful, and it feels good! if you want to vent to someone or just talk about how you feel make sure that you trust them really well, and ask them before hand if you can vent about something serious.

be mindful of your thought patterns. i know personally i tend to have such negative self talk that sends me into a spiral- so now that i'm aware that i do that and how it makes me feel, i'm able to stop myself while doing it. basically just think about what thoughts you tend to have, and when you start thinking them get yourself to stop.

counselling. the final step is counselling such as therapy. i know not everyone can get therapy, and i know i can't right now, but if you can then having a therapist can do wonders. i know people in my own life who've been absolutely transformed, and i think in the future i'll probably go to one.

wishing you the best of luck! u can do it- even now if you're feeling awful know that you are in control of some things, and you can change your situation for the better in some aspects. things are constantly changing, and i hope that you get the support you need. :)

#that girl #self improvement #anon asks

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confessions-official · 4 months

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I hate growing up I hate being a teenager so much

It's literally been like what, 6 months??? since I turned 13 and I already can't handle this. Every month I'll have like two weeks of PMSing and then my actual period that's just absolutely living hell, then another four days somewhere in the middle with the, whatever it's called the clear thing that gives you period cramps as well, and my emotions are just off the walls

And if that wasn't bad enough, the few weeks I have where things are SUPPOSED to be normal I have the stupid puberty hormones ALSO giving me all sorts of emotions and anxiety and I had a panic attack when my mom asked me what I wanted for dinner. I'm the oldest this generation in my immediate family and I'm kind of like the golden child, they'll always joke that I'm easing them into having teenagers before my sister and cousins get there because I'm really easy or something and I don't know how I'm supposed to respond to that when I'm literally biting my cheek to not yell at everybody because I KNOW it's not their fault it's me literally all that's happening is gentle teasing NOTHING is happening but my insides are on fire and if I don't scream I'm gonna die

But I can't complain about it, can I, because I'm just a stupid kid that doesn't know anything and can't even comprehend basic internet safety even though that shit's been drilled into us repeatedly since literal kindergarten and I'm better at it than quite a few adults I've seen on here. It's just hormones, it's just my period, and NO, I can't do anything to remove the torture device inside my body because what if one day when I have a husband that I don't want I try to have kids that I also don't want? There's nothing to be done about the agony you're in on a daily basis, don't make your parents pay for therapy you're just a teenager.

It's not that big a deal, yes I know you've been showing almost all of the signs of depression consistently since the start of 7th grade. Yes I'm aware that most of your memories from before COVID are a strain at best, straight up nonexistent at worst. Self diagnosing is bad, remember? Suck it up, it'll be over by the time you're an adult.

You can fight with your sister, you guys have said that it's enjoyable and a form of bonding so we'll just ignore it, but that means that when you actually want her to stop you have to scream or be physical in order to get through to her and then you get in trouble and feel horrible because she's only eight but she's not listening and if you don't get her to stop right now somebody's gonna die

I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate existing in my body. And every time you hear about people that actually have problems the worst years are always late teens and 20's

I don't know how I'm going to do this. All the stuff you see from actual people and not just the stupid unrealistic shows says that things start looking up late 20's maybe. I don't know if I have it in me to do another 5 years of this torture, let alone two decades

But what do I know? I'm just a dumb thirteen year old, suck it up and go help the people with real issues. But not too much, because then you seem overbearing and like you have no respect of personal space and boundaries and it reflects badly on your parents and the next wave of young people will have to deal with even more backlash because of your stupidity

I just wanna sink into the floor and die, and I hate myself even more for the thought

#confession #suicide mention

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authenticleviackerman · 3 months

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No Longer Human by Osamu Dazai and how the book helped improve my life.

Despite the controversy and even banning of No Longer Human by Osamu Dazai in some parts of the world as I have come to learn, it has to be one of my favourite books. The disconnect from the world, society and people hit very close to home, and it was ultimately the book which made me realize that despite what people have told me ("You're such a smiley person though", and "You have too much energy to be depressed" etc.) is just not what makes a person depressed or not.

I think that this book is a perfect gateway into the concept of mental illness. I'd like to tell you a little story. Keep in mind I don't really consider myself a writer, I'm just an insomniac who is self taught in English and has nothing to do at 4 am.

I, like Yozo, learned to fake a smile. As a child I was always talkative and loved books. I learned to speak fairly early (at about 6 months of age) and always flipped through books for hours despite it not being typical for kids with my diagnosis (cerebral palsy).

I was always a child who was very afraid of something I couldn't even name. Slight change of voice made me cry, no matter what the context. I could meet my grandma's friend and I didn't greet them (because I didn't know you were supposed to greet them yet) and after my grandma told me, I started crying because I thought I made her mad.

This never improved, even after I had entered school. In fact, it got worse. I was not yet aware of anything until the first day in 1st grade, when my teacher greeted everyone formally but me, leading to confusion and so I accidentally greeted her in an informal way as well. This of course, has led to embarrassment.

I soon got an assistant who was supposed to help me learn. I never had an intellectual disability of any kind, although I couldn't really focus on schoolwork and wanted to play instead, so her role was to be like an" at home teacher" and someone to look after me when my parents were busy.

She had worked with disabled people in the past so my mom naturally thought nothing could go wrong, and for a short while it didn't until about 5th grade when things started getting worse, but that's a whole another chapter.

Long story short, for 10 years, she mentally abused me, putting me down whenever some of my weaknesses showed, totally ignoring the fact that I had learned how to speak English (in my case a foreign language) completely on my own.

That made me think I was now fundamentally broken, leading to severe self hate while I still put a smile on my face, because depression and anxiety in media are usually showed in the most severe cases, so I couldn't be ill. I'm just an idiot.

I started writing poetry (which I now inconsistently post on my Instagram but I am afraid to do so as I fear that if my mom's friends noticed it being too dark, they would tell my mom who could scold me for it so I haven't put anything out there in a while. Besides, they pretty much ruined the tags) which did get some small audience (I got one of my favourite musician's wife to follow me there) but my brain makes me give up on things because I feel like there was no point in it, which was a frequent theme described in no longer human and his other books.

For years and despite my mom literally asking me to stop crying all the time, not one teacher or professional suggested therapy. I was just told to "grow up already" or laughed in the face by my assistant (who caused me to develop PTSD like symptoms), so I had to beg my mom to bring me in repeatedly.

Thankfully, bringing the book up in therapy this summer got me on antidepressants, (which, again , I thought I don't need because in my brain I wasn't "sick enough") and now my mom is aware that I am fighting my own brain, so she isn't frustrated with me when I cry.

That is what I'd like to say, but unfortunately it was a bit too late and I learned to numb down my emotions because I'm afraid of being shamed. The only people who see me cry are my therapist and psychiatrist who saw through the (very believable) fake smile, and people who I truly trust.

The antidepressants definitely worked though, and I believe if Dazai lived in an age where antidepressants existed and mental health wasn't stigmatized, he would feel at least a little better.

I hope I manage to feel human one day.

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fairycosmos · 2 years

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do you think constantly complaining about our circumstances actually elongates the grief we feel? that we only make this hole of self pity deeper? but then again how does one take a more proactive approach to the lack of happiness in their life?

HI so i actually don't think so. because grief is impossible to elongate, it's permanent and "always there" no matter how you approach it in your mind. and like yeah i'm the first to admit i love wallowing and being bitter. i'm the worlds most irritated and repressed woman or whatever BUT i will say i think people who automatically see us trying to communicate our mourning / pain as "complaining" really just do not have a clue what it's like. i get it sometimes on here, that i'm making things worse for myself by hyper-focusing on the heaviness, and i get it but i also don't. i'm going to comment on the way my life is forever changed for as long as i'm alive. i'm going to be sad and angry and i'm going to scream about it, and i don't care if it's annoying or repetitive or a downer. it is for me too. the worst thing that could have possibly happened happened, and it's laughable that i'm not even allowed to cry about it without being judged or analysed or whatever the fuck. like god forbid we have negative things to say about a negative situation? there's an undeniable validity to that feeling, there's an undeniable validity to the pain and the only reason people don't want to hear that is because it makes them uncomfortable - understandably. but in my own space i am going to say what i need to say when i need to say it and let it be the most self pitying pathetic little thing you've ever heard every time! who cares. i don't like the performance of looking like i have it together, like i'm above it all and can handle it through the power of my own wisdom. like i'm "that girl" who can outsmart trauma through my little witticisms and my deep breathing and my emotional maturity. it's literally just not true so let me air out my grievances with the world instead - even if it is kind of convoluted, pitiful and self serving at times.

i suppose i just really don't see the value in trying to be all faux positive about something so deeply hurtful when that's not how i actually feel about the way things are - and i'm not sure why i'm supposed to? i think outsiders looking in on this sort of thing are kind of estranged from the true scope of grief, how far and deep it runs, how inescapable it is. listen, i'm not saying that there's no danger in perpetually licking your own wounds. and god knows the victim mindset can and will choke you and everyone around you to death if you let it. i become more and more aware of how pointless it is as the years pass honestly. also, there's definitely peace to be found in trying to take a more proactive approach (i think what that looks like wildly varies not only from person to person but also from day to day, maybe moment to moment.) but i also think there's a difference between complaining just to complain, and actually trying to talk about the absolute and endless pain that you're somehow supposed to carry while functioning normally. i say scream as much as you want, just keep it self aware and somewhat regulated for realities sake, which i mean it sucks to have to do that but yeah. and definitely seek a lot of therapy if possible, or at the very least keep it as a viable option in your mind. i don't spill my guts and demand a pity party from everyone i meet, i barely have a genuine conversation fucking ever to preserve other people's feelings/time. but on here and in diaries and in art (lol) i'm going to lose my mind about how awful shit is however much i want to in any given moment. something something my god given right

#anon #U could ask me this in an hour id have a different answer #long poxt

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traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 1 year

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Tw for pretty general abuse talk , gaslighting , self doubt (if I missed any tws I'm sorry in advance)

So, between the ages of 5-15, my mom was considerably abusive towards me in a number of ways, because of her own trauma and untreated mental illness. On top of that she was very absent from my life during everything else I went through, and was often the reason that other abusers would be let into my life.

For the past 2 years or so, I've been working on acknowledging this abuse, due to years and years of my family's gaslighting and belittling my feelings about it all. In August, I moved back in with my mom after a year and a half living with my dad and stepmom, due to her healing enough to see me as an equal, and the fact I became aware of my stepmom's abusive behavior and couldn't handle it anymore. Life has been better than ever for me since I moved back.

She's supportive, and way way way less overbearing and intense. Many members of my system have been able to kindle a relationship with her much like a mother and child SHOULD have, and it started getting really fucking hard to conceptualize that it ever wasn't this way. It's almost like my brain was just waiting for her to be stable enough to latch entirely onto the good, and bury the bad deep down within other alters. I don't know if this is a result of the gaslighting, but even all the processing I had done at my dad's feels non-existent, let alone the trauma itself I had been trying to process. Everything has just been fine forever, suddenly. Which would be great, if I wasnt still having cptsd symptoms, and wasn't still dealing with the disproportionately strong emotions of my alters. I'm just always stuck invalidating my own pain, due to our now relationship, and can't seem to find it in me to say she's an abusive person or would ever do that stuff to me. I'm always normalizing it so it doesn't feel like trauma anymore, too

I just can't seem to find a middle ground, where I'm able to listen to my alters when they say my mom in the past was abusive, and at the same time continue to forgive my mom in the present. I don't know if this is something I can do anything about without therapy, but it's immensely hindering any progress I'm making within my own system and with my (not specialized) therapist, so if you have any advice or just, consolation of normalcy, that would be great

- The Horizon

Hi The Horizon,

I'm sorry about what y'all have been through.

It can be hard to reconcile how to feel about our abusers, especially when they're someone we love or is supposed to protect us. It's normal and okay to have mixed feelings towards your mom.

I also just want to say that while your mom's trauma and undiagnosed mental illness may have influenced her abuse towards you, abuse is ultimately a choice one makes independent of other factors. The fact that trauma and mental illness don't necessarily make someone abusive goes to show that being abusive doesn't really have to do with either of those things. There is no excuse for abuse, and there's no excuse for being mistreated.

The gaslighting could definitely be a factor, and I think part of it may also be that she is your mom, and so part of you may be yearning for that affection so desperately as to try and dismiss the history of abuse. I think therapy can help you and your system work on figuring out how to reconcile the present situation with what has happened. Please know that however you feel about your mom is valid.

I think it's also worth considering the fact that you don't have to forgive your mom, and you can still heal and/or maintain a healthy relationship with her.

Please know that what happened is worth acknowledging, the pain and trauma y'all carry is worth acknowledging, and you are a valid survivor.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if y'all need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #the horizon #tw abuse #tw child abuse #tw emotional abuse

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tenacious-blossom · 1 year

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Dear Fred

Dear Fred-

The last couple days have been a little hard. I don't know if it's my anxiety about going to see you in Boston in 4 days, about you not having feelings for me anymore, or about me not being good enough. Maybe it's all of the above. Maybe I'm self sabotaging. But my heart hurts. My gut feeling isn't good.

We haven't talked like we used to, for a few days now. It feels a little forced. Based on previous experience, my instinct tells me that you're probably talking to someone else. That's okay, but please don't ghost me. Please be different. I want to text you, asking "why aren't you talking to me?". But I'm holding back in fear of hearing words that I don't want to hear. I miss you.

I wasn't planning on falling for you like this, but here I am...writing a letter on Tumblr that you'll never read because I don't have the balls to talk to you. I want us to be more than friends. I want you to be mine. I'm very confused on where we stand.

When something happens and/or I see something funny, I immediately want to share with you. I get butterflies when I see that I have a notification from you. When I get sad, you've talked me out of my moods. You make me feel safe.

I'll hopefully get to see you on Thursday, but now I don't know how I'm supposed to behave. I want to hold you and not let go. I want to lay in bed, look at stars on the ceiling and listen to music, while a candle is burning, just like you said you wanted. I want to visit a museum, holding your hand and talking about the art. I want to wearing matching shirts and beanies and take cute photos. I want to look at your face in admiration. I want to feel you. I want your kisses. I want you to say that you want to see me again. But I'm afraid these are all just empty wishes. I'm afraid I'm just going to be another friend visiting you, a friend with whom you share a situation.

I'm afraid I'm going to detach by the time I see you because of these thoughts in my head and feelings in my heart. Maybe I'm overthinking and got too into my head with these thoughts. Maybe I'm emotional because my period might be starting soon. But I find it hard to doubt, because this feels too familiar. Please be different.

I'm beyond excited to go to Boston, but I'm also fearful. I'm unsure how to approach this conversation. What happens if you're not on the same page. Will it get awkward? Will we be okay?

Do I have genuine feelings for you, or is this infatuation? Are we good for each other? Will I be okay? I have so many questions and no answers. I definitely need to go to therapy again, I'm aware.

I don't know where these insecurities stemmed from over the last few days. I was fine. I was happy. I feel like I'm more somber when we talk, than fun and flirty, like I usually am. Why am I like this? Maybe I'm not good for you. You deserve better. Maybe I know this, and that's why I feel inadequate and am questioning everything.

I'm struggling to figure out when to ask you if you like me enough to get into a relationship. I'm telling myself and others that I'll stop talking to you if you don't want me like that. I feel like I'm lying to myself and everyone else. I don't want to get hurt, but I feel it's inevitable. Please don't hurt me. If you have to, please hurt me less.

Love,

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fencesandfrogs · 2 years

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debrief time:

this session honestly went really well. i started at low distress, and brought the memory down to basically 0.

unfortunately, emdr has the very smart statement called "if it's not zero, it's not zero, and if you can still feel it in your body, it's not zero."

so it's not zero.

it's hard to tell what's going on in my head. things were going OK and the distress was going down, and then i noticed my thinking had gone back to, "this is unfair to [the child]" instead of "this was unfair to me." which is...depersonalization? but i don't know what to make of it. i think i was more focused on distress going down to notice there was a lot more static in the memory. it's tricky because the memory's distress has gone down, but also it was, well, staticky.

then at the end, she asked me whether a positive belief felt true, and despite my distress being low, it didn't. interestingly, this whole memory has been in my chest (that's where all my distress-pain is concentrated tbh), only it was my Stomach saying, "no, this isn't true."

i'm going to put the rest of this under a cut, because i want to talk a little about the memory itself to see if i can work parts of this out. cw for child abuse.

so the memory i'm working on has to do with some spelling tests i did for many, many years. i did not used to do well on them, and i don't really want to write the whole thing out. which in and of itself: i'm afraid that thinking too hard will bring all of the emotions back. which is...not where i'm supposed to be.

i'm pretty sure i'm going to end up emailing my therapist about all of this later, fwiw. looking back...i'm not sure if the distress was/is really gone, or if i was just dissociating, or if it's a combo of both. i didn't do my usual prep work before the session (because of the rush this morning), which means i was definitely...the only part present. which isn't great for this sort of thing.

but anyway. the positive statement is "i am good enough as i am." (or, kind of? i'm simplifying.)

we've been working on this memory for...three sessions now? that sounds right, three sessions. so like, i'm trying to be patient and not rush, but i want to be done with this. (another red flag to me in thinking-mode. one downside of emdr for me is that less talking means i really have to unpack things after sometimes, because i just don't get there in session. this isn't the worst thing in the world, it's just a comment.)

anyway, she said it, and i had...urgh, it's the funky split emotion. that's true, and it was basically what i was saying as we did the bilateral stimulation, but i couldn't ignore the pit in my stomach saying it wasn't true, and i could've done better, if only i tried harder/figured out the trick/i was capable of doing better.

i said it felt like a 5, but honestly, it felt like 7 and 2 at the same time. i still struggle with answering emdr things because sometimes it's "i think that's a 7 but there's a voice in my head saying it's a 1"

i just...i'm annoyed. and emdr has, like, it's structured to not let me move on when i'm not ready. which is a good thing. because as much as i feel like i'm done with this, i can see that i'm not. (i called that paradoxical understanding pseudo–self-awareness in therapy monday, which i think is a good term for it.) but it's frustrating to me.

i think a lot of this is dissociation. i don't want to reflect on why it doesn't feel true, i don't want to get too close, it sucks that this happened to [the child] but why should it bother me?

...i wish i had therapy in a few days like normal to talk through this.

i did some scrolling thru my therapy tag hoping it would have some insights. i should do a good long read through of my posts sometimes, just to see what i notice, but i did see my last emdr session i was frustrated about being stuck.

which she did say, we started this session with something to get me unstuck that did not at all work, and i'm not surprised that it didn't. looking it up, it looks like she either forgot to explain something, or i misunderstood, so that makes sense that it didn't help. but i don't know if it would've worked anyway. i'm really averse to mixing positive and negative experiences.

but i think, like...it's funny. uhh a quote from a different post about this:

God, I knew it wasn’t going to be a good session when I woke up this morning. This isn’t my memory to work on. I’m stuck in the same inner conflict I used to be, only everyone else has moved on from this moment.

2022-07-08

which is one thing i've talked about a bit, how i can say something contradictory like that and not even acknowledge it. "this isn't my memory" followed immediately by "i am a party to this internal conflict."

i know the part who wrote that post, and i don't think it's a coincidence i can't feel her at all right now.

I think I’m just stuck in the emotions of the past. I’m frustrated with myself for everything. For all of the wild emotions. For being unable to quiet them, then and now. For not being able to access the memory I needed to. It’s all the same anxious frustrated mess I’m familiar with.

and she's still stuck in the past set of memories, so i guess it's not surprising to me that i'm in an awkward position of having processed my part, and feeling no distress, only to be held back by a different part.

i should probably write about this to my emdr therapist, something which...well, i don't usually contact therapists outside of sessions. at all. i'm not one for it. but i think once i've sat with this all a bit more, i should email her, because...if i understand things right, i apparently jumped down a huge level of distress, but i don't think it was "true." like, it's complicated.

fuck.

i really, really, really want to be done with this memory. i am so goddamn tired of picturing myself standing by the couch and reciting the words i got wrong. i am so tired of thinking about the internal conflict that used to tear me apart. i am so goddamn done.

but i don't get to pick the speed healing happens at.

#mine #therapypost #disorderposting #thoughts welcome

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rabbitindisguise · 2 years

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I was afraid of getting worse on recovery and (don't quote me on this) my experience has so far made me feel that is less true?

Growing up I either had to be amazing or terrible, and while being terrible was too much to ever even consider I started to genuinely believe I could/should/would be amazing just to escape the prospect of being terrible. This probably wouldn't be a problem for most people but combined with the regular mania/hypomania where it felt like I was achieving that. With nothing and no one to point out I was a regular human being, I was constantly frustrated with my mistakes instead of working on just like . . . what I could reasonably do. I had lost all sense of reasonable. And the mania was willing to latch on to that and contort itself in whichever way would be necessary to make me feel like hot shit.

And like OOF right? I'm not generally a follower of the medical model, but PTSD is one exception and it's affect on mania has made me feel well and truly ill. I don't want it and I can't stand it. My actions are my own, bipolar doesn't force you to do bad things, and yet it still makes things so . . . difficult!!! It's really hard to know what to do!! I get irritated with everything, I don't know what's really true about me or what I just breezily say as if it's true, I'm scared of myself doing something reckless.

Anyways more to the point while bipolar itself was always there (er, relatively, I had my first episode in highschool, from what I can gather from my blogging on Tumblr) the PMDD overtop complicated the problem so I was going to have to figure out one or the other first. It also means I was never a person with depression, which I'm grateful to know. Depressive episodes are, well, depression but it's not the same. Since I generally have about four different episodes a year (apparently?? I don't know it's just a guess at this point from looking at my blog and stuff) I'm never staying depressed long enough to be clinically depressed. This is important to me because when I was depressed-depressed (after my grandfather died) I couldn't write, I felt terrible, I was actively suicidal at the time. These days from all my practice with PMDD it rarely gets more than I can handle (I can still write, I'm less functional but I'm not totally immobilized, I know what to do in an emergency). And the most petrifying thing about SSRIs was how they made me feel (mania) which is much worse when you don't know that you're wrong and that your feelings aren't an accurate depiction of reality. With PMDD, the reactions are over exaggerated but at least have a BASIS. And since I didn't know why I was depressed I also (wrongfully) assumed that depression had to have a basis. I couldn't understand what was happening. I refused to humble myself to understand what was happening. I was convinced I new everything about my brain and my therapists kept indulging that fantasy, kept telling me how self aware and reasonable I seemed.

So yeah while this seems like so much more, potential lifetime medication, so much therapy in my future . . . I'm glad I figured it out now before I tried to do something even more reckless than I already have. Thankfully I'm such a cautious person that none of it involved like, a lot of alcohol or whatever, just a reasonable amount, but considering how firm I was to never even try it and alarm bells didn't go WEE WOO in my brain about it there's some solid evidence I'm literally off the rocker at this point. The rocker and me have never been so far apart. But perhaps I've just been bad at estimating distances as I've painstakingly crawled back to it ever since I had my first period.

(I'm also, importantly, debating if I should identify as bisexual just to make a bi, bi, bi nsync joke or if that's too crass)

(and side note: isn't mania supposed to be good and fun and sexy? It sucks!! Hyperfocus is a million times better. Doing stuff while manic is like I'm wearing those cursed dancing shoes that force you to dance until you die from exhaustion- without the dancing even being average for my skill level. My eyes keep opening too wide and I feel like I'm full of electricity and I'm not tired or hungry. I'm so anxious!! I'd rather be depressed at this point and never write another word than stay like this one more minute. Argh. I've done so many chores and I hated every minute of it. I feel like I'm holding my own leash back at all times just to remember to eat and sleep and drink water and pee and and and. If this is mania then the movies are sincerely missing something important because I'm not happy at all.)

(also last note: wait does that mean understanding that I'm crazy make me not crazy?? Isn't that the whole thing? "If you understand that you're not supposed to feel this way, that's the difference between anxiety and something more complicated?" Idk being mentally ill is hard because of the colloquialisms everywhere.)

(another problem is that I just. Can't. Stop. Talking. There will never be a good place to end this where I don't want to say more things.)

#personal #mental illness #menstruation #PTSD #pmdd #annnd bipolar #maybe #probably #i don't even know #am i even autistic????#i know i have adhd #thank fuck for small mercies #my entire perception of myself could radically change but at the end of the day i will always be a little adhd gremlin

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