#i am writing this because i am mentally ill and my therapist said i'm allowed to write instead of punch people

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

Hey, so I have a situation going on (TW for extensive discussion of ED):

So I'm in recovery but sometimes I still relapse, especially during the fall and winter months, idk why but those are just the worst for me in terms of ED. My roommate and acquaintance knows that I've been battling ED for most of my life and before I moved in with her and other flatmates, I told everyone that I am in recovery and that I need them not to comment on my food (be it choices that seem disordered but are actually improvements to my previous situation, or idk my portion sizes for example).

Despite that, this roommate, who is currently going through an eating disorder and is in therapy for it, keeps commenting on my food. She keeps judging how much I eat, keeps asking me questions about why I eat what I eat (eg. Sometimes there are days when I just won't eat something I haven't made. I just can't. And she'll just keep asking why. It's not malicious but she doesn't take the hint when I say "well you know...due to the problems" and essentially forces me to just outright say that I can't eat it because I don't have control over it and the ingredients, which is both a frankly embarrassing thing to say and most of the time she doesn't really get it either), and sometimes says things like "Idk how you eat like that and aren't fat lol" (which usually occurs when I have like...a slice of bread with jam or something, which is, mind you, also usually my only food of the day because I am too busy for my own good, and because my meds cause me not to have an appetite).

Worse than that, she vents about her ED problems to me constantly. I get that maybe she needs someone outside of therapy to talk about it with, but it makes me really close to relapsing every time. She'll come home and start saying things like "I weighed myself yesterday and lost another X kg" and "A guy ranted to me about how he wanted to lose weight, like duh he should be happy, he might need it for when he's like me, who hasn't eaten in 3 days." and "I've been so bad today but it's probably a good thing because the 4 days before that I didn't eat at all."

I don't know how to gently reaffirm my boundaries and tell her that it's affecting me really badly when she says such things to me. I don't want to be too firm or mean, and I understand that she's going through bad stuff, but I'm not in a place where I could listen to it without it fucking me up badly.

Honestly, I think you've given your roommate the benefit of the doubt for too long. She doesn't "forget" she's triggering you. She's subtly doing it on purpose. She doesn't "not pick up on" your hints about why you're uncomfortable. She's enjoying making you uncomfortable. I usually do not advise people to think in such a paranoid fashion, but I truly believe the writing is on the wall here. As someone who has given others the benefit of the doubt for too long and gotten hurt for it, I feel obligated to say this.

Anon, those of us who have eating disorders are often unwell in other ways. We often have trauma and difficult relationships and other issues. And we're often competitive in our eating disorders, which is a real risk. Many of us try to show off being the "sickest" or make it a game, sometimes. And you are ABSOLUTELY allowed to be too firm and "too mean" in defending your health. Her going through stuff does NOT justify her putting you through stuff, and that's a lesson all of us who have mental illness need to learn - both in regard to what we put up with, and what we may make others put up with.

So listen. A successful boundary is not a statement of "you can't do X." Attempting to control the behavior of others is useless. Instead, think of a boundary (and speak your boundaries) in terms of "if you do X, I will do Y to protect myself." And do be prepared to follow through on that consequence. As one of my favorite TikTok therapists once said, "a boundary without consequences for violating it isn't a boundary, it's more of a fancy request."

If you're stuck in the lease and don't have the option of moving away from this girl, here's what you can do to get by for now. Make a list of all the things she has done to trigger your ED, and make a list of responses that will be protective for you. Then, have a kind but firm talk with her about how she constantly triggers your ED and how you will be taking the following measures to take care of your mental health. Let her know you're not trying to be hurtful but for your protection, these are non-negotiable. Things like "If you continue to make comments about what is on my plate, I will take my plate and leave the room." or "If you continue to vent to me about your eating disorder, I will hang out with you less."

She may try to act the victim. Do not be swayed by this. No matter how she feels about this talk, nothing is worth sacrificing your mental health, and it is her own responsibility to learn to take care of her own mental health WITHOUT hurting others, as we all must learn to do. Tell her that you want for her to have someone to talk to about this, but that someone cannot be you. She has done this multiple times. This isn't a mistake at this point, and honestly, you're not doing her a favor by letting her go without learning how to hold herself accountable for respecting the boundaries of others. But more importantly, you're not doing yourself any favors by teaching yourself that it's okay to let others hurt you because they're having a hard time. Your hard times matter too, anon.

Best of luck in the roommate stuff and in making it through the winter.

#ed recovery #toxic friends #ed cw #boundaries #healthy boundaries

[running-in-the-dark]

I've got more to say on that post (tw I'm insane I don't know what to tag this as its just. mental illness man idk.)

I'm really, really glad that other people apparently really don't know what it's like to feel like that. like you're not allowed to think certain things or that thinking them makes you bad.

because fuck I wish that was me.

I find it almost impossible to talk about this but I'm trying because I've found it's really the only thing that helps a little bit - and it feels like literal torture, like. I am having to actively fight every instinct in my head to be able to type any of it.

but. just. man I just can't. sometimes I can do it, but sometimes it's like now and I get so panicked about it that all the words just fucking disappear. literally can't talk about it.

okay, I'll try a different way. so. I get extremely obsessed with fictional characters (which you know if you've ever looked at this blog because duh). obviously that means I think about them. a lot. all the time really. and it's. it is really really hard, honestly. just like. imagine having to basically check every. little. thought. to see if there's anything there that could make you a bad person.

again, can't go into any more detail because My Brain (probably should stop saying that, I guess it's like, part of the ocd tendencies I have or whatever) won't fucking let me.

so, I'm trying to work on that, and for some reason I'm doing that by writing it down instead. because then I have like, the option to go back and look at it and be like actually this is probably fine. not horrible, not the worst thing anyone has ever thought, and even if it was - no one but me is ever going to see this, so why should it even matter?

but more than anything it's like. shown me how fucking insane that is. I literally can't even write so much as like. a hug. without feeling like I'm the most disgusting piece of shit ever (lots of complicated reasons but it boils down to basically. well you're thinking about his body. and that his body would feel nice. and that is absolutely not allowed in any way). when I've said that I'm writing some insane shit I don't mean like haha, this is sooo dirty hehe :3 no guys I mean it is literally insane and mostly me literally having to write paragraphs of dialogue in which the character assures me that it's okay and I'm not horrible for thinking that and. like I'm literally writing him as if he's my fucking therapist because that's the only way I can justify it in my own head.

like, I am not exaggerating when I say that I've made myself feel like I'm physically ill from overthinking this so much. I literally felt like I had a fever because I got so extremely stressed out about it. I think that was about like. holding hands or some shit. I'm 32 fucking years old. I'm literally married (won't even get into that but fuck dude just imagine being like this and. yeah).

and the funniest part about all of that is that I feel so unbelievably ashamed about all of it that I don't think I could even mention it to a therapist or whatever. like the thought alone is so absolutely horrifying that it makes me feel like I need to be punished for it. so I just convince myself that well it can't really be OCD anyway because I don't even have compulsions anymore (even though I did, and they affected my life so much for like, 15 years at least), and well even if it could still be that even without the compulsions well it's not that bad really. I mean I don't have the issues that people with actual OCD have, it doesn't really affect me, so what if I can't think about fucking that fictional guy, imagine how much a therapist would laugh at you for thinking you should get help with that, nope your brain is just fundamentally broken (it's always been that way after all, so it can't be something like that, no you're just broken and wrong and that's why all your thoughts are bad, you're just the worst person on Earth).

I can't explain how hard it is to even like. just talk about the most mundane shit. like let's say there's a picture of The Guy and I think he looks good. it's such a struggle to let myself say that. like literally, something as fucking basic as that. literally anything that is an admission of 'hi I've thought about his face and his body and I think they look kind of nice' makes me feel like I should literally die. that's why I've been trying to say that shit as much as I can lately, with the reasoning being well if I just keep doing it and nothing horrible happens it'll get easier right? (nope it doesn't, not really)

and like, there's so much more to it than social media, obviously. like it's probably 99% my upbringing (didn't even fucking realise until very recently that a lot of it is based on religious stuff because I didn't understand that my family was even that religious. yeah I don't get it either. but there's way more than the religion aspect, just pretty much everything about my childhood and my parents and. everything). but it does play a huge part in it for me and. I don't know what to do about that and I'll probably do nothing because doing anything is hard and I'm already completely overwhelmed by everything.

yeah idk all of that came from thinking about that video too much, idk, I'm shutting up now

#literally I've talked about this with. I think exactly two people. and one is just the very basics and even that is. hard. (the other one #is - well hi you probably know I mean you.) #anyway I'm gonna go dig a hole that I can live in now because that's what I deserve for having thoughts. bye. #personal

[rainbowvolt]

I tried this once already but out of nowhere I got attacked by the overwhelming notion that my antics are pointless and that the world around me is crumbling and so I deleted the entire message and took some time to journal out my feelings in the classic rambling poetry style that I have perfected over the years. It didn't make me feel better nor did it provide any fresh prospective but I'm feeling better today so I came to the conclusion that if nothing matters then I'm going to go back to inviting just a little bit of chaos into the everyday lives of people I have never met just because at least im having fun that way. That being said, what the fuck is up gamer? I put on some sublime to write this one to bit now amazon music is playing beck (loser) but I actually really like that song so I'll allow it. Anyway I was on hinge the other day, because just like you I am chronically single, and unlike you I do care because being alone with my thoughts for too long drives me insane and to do shit like this for fun. So I'm swiping and I'm complimenting I mean just imagine me turning on the God damn charm, and I match with this one girl who I think is attractive and we're chatting it up and suddenly bam, no reason at all, I lose all interest. I just felt like it was pointless to even keep talking to her my heart just wasn't in it so I did, I stopped. I probably still could hit her up if I wanted but the truth is it's just a lot of work, relationships that is, and I don't think I have the time to dedicate someone that I want to be able to dedicate. It's weird. Life. Love. Happiness. I try to remind myself that happiness, at least the way that we see in happily ever after movies and books, doesn't really exist. The best you I can ever hope for is to be content. And I'm not sure if that's true or if that's pure unfiltered copium that I'm doling out to myself on a strict rationing schedule so I can make it through the throes of years long depressive episodes. I've considered therapy but whats a therapist going to tell me? Oh you're unhappy for literally no reason, just take these pills? I've done that ya know, the pills didn't make me happy they just made me numb to the world around me and incapable of emotions. Plus my job would kick me out onto the streets if I sought out help, I already got a waiver for it the one time and if I get back on them I'm afraid it'll be game over for my career. So I guess I'm kinda screwing the pooch here. It's always like that, coin tosses and horse races I guess. I just want to break free. I don't know if that'll solve it all, but I want the option to at least seek it out. I used to believe, genuinely, without an ounce of fucking irony that my depressive thoughts and feelings, and my borderline schizophrenic tendencies were genuine fucking shortcuts to creativity. I would sit there and really channel them into my poetry, but you know what? While some of that shit is undoubtedly the best I ever wrote, it wasn't because mental illness is some sort of magical potion, it's not because hurt and pain breeds greatness, it's because I was just being truthful I think, as raw and true as I could possibly be. And I've read some of it to people ya know, like my mom and a few friends, and they just say it's so good and I guess I appreciate their support but it's not good, it's bad ya know, i was trying to share a piece of me that i rarely let anyone see and I guess people just saw it as a piece without the deep emotional relationship that it has to my psyche, maybe I gotta specify like hey this is real shit. But ya know I've also been trying to breed a mental positivity, I try to tell myself good job and "hell yeah dude" for anything that could be considered an accomplishment. I wouldn't say it's the most effective but maybe it's doing a little something. This whole self awareness thing is kinda new to me, obviously, like I seriously lived the first 8 years of my life without a single thought, I remember like watching TV or having a conversation and it was just static upstairs.

Which is kinda funny actually cause now all I fucking do is think. Ugh. To be a frog. A mindless bug eating happy little frog. Those guys have got it made. Love frogs. A ray of sunshine in an otherwise dark and disappointing world. That and when people say bazinga. That shit is hilarious. Also, you have to say bazinga, that's the whole point of this. We've established a raport and now I'm cashing in pal, you gotta say bazinga, you owe me. And if you don't I'm reporting you to PepsiCo. They will bottle and carbonate your ass. You'll be sold worldwide. I wouldn't risk it just fucking say bazinga. I'm dialing them right now, doot doot doot look I've only got a few numbers left last chance bud

I, an autistic person who is currently wearing a flash t shirt, have been asked to say.. that word. Irony aside.. no. I'm not falling for your silly tricks, your insightful-incel Seinfeld style stand up routine, and so.. I turn it back on you. You have to say 'wubba lubba dub dub'. I'm exchanging all my favours, my coupons are going straight in to this uncomfortably shaped vending machine and my goodness something better come out. It's time to make good on your reputation, time to come forth and fulfil your destiny, to do what must be done; it's time to whip out a test tube or two to help Frankenstein some confidence into that ugly little lump of brain mass and say the damn words. Say. The damn. Words. Wubba lubba dub dub.

#i love this #it reads like Seinfeld but interesting instead of mildly offensive

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hi. Can't think of trigger warnings, maybe for crappy therapy and a bad therapist and some mentions of physical illness. Looking for advice. Nickname purple

I'm just wondering if you have any advice on how to get over a fear of/reluctance to seek therapy (and to am extent medical care in general). More and more often I'm starting to think I'll never be able to function normally without some help but I'm so scared to get it. In part I think this came from my mom's own mental illness and how whatever pills she took (no idea what they were or even what they were for besides that there were a lot) left her so out of it all the time and sometimes made her destructive on top of neglectful, and from my dad's distrust of the medical system as a whole, to the point of ignoring his doctors after a heart attack, not seeing care for cancer until it had progressed too far too fix, and generally being reluctant to get me any medical care and being mad at my mom if she took me to the doctor for anything, because it was babying me and would make me think it was okay to be weak and I should be stronger and trust God before 'weird medicine'. Between that and most people in my life growing up basically thinking mental Illness isn't real and anyone who claims to have it is faking maliciously or, especially if they claim to have significant past trauma, flat out delusional (and yes, they applied this to me, even when I was actively suicidal or had visible marks from abuse).

I got sent to a therapist when I was twelve, against my will in a whole court ordered thing, and while I don't remember many specifics of the first session I know I was reluctant to talk and he ended up screaming at me until I shut down. The few additional sessions there were went better, though only because I coasted through and just tried to give the most 'normal' responses to anything he said so I'd be allowed out of it all sooner.

Now, well into adulthood, my issues have only gotten worse and worse. It feels my mind is falling apart and I'm so frequently scared, my emotional regulation and memory are practically non-existent. I can't get away from self harm or disordered eating (though I often doubt a therapist would think those things are significant), can barely keep myself from falling back into substances. I can barely get a job or keep it and sometimes the only thing keeping me here is being scared to die though sometimes that doesn't even work (I'm not actively suicidal right now just to clarify). More than ever it feels like I'm barely real or even alive.

But I'm still scared to even try to schedule a therapy or psychiatrist appointment. I'm scared I won't even be able to talk when asked what's wrong since more and more now I've been having verbal shutdowns, especially in frightening enchantments or under the slightest stress, which I respond to worse than ever lately. I've been thinking of writing down a summary of what's going on but I don't know if they'll accept that, if they'll want me to talk normally. I'm scared they'll want me to go into past trauma but I just can't, not to a stranger or sometimes to anyone at all. I'm scared they'll think I'm just making everything up and turn me away. I'm scared they'll think I'm just a whiny child that can't handle normal life, or I'm just looking for some excuse to not participate in society or get drugs or something (funny, since I'm afraid to take meds and I'd probably just refuse if prescribed something controlled). I'm just scared and I know I won't be able to take it if I get even a fraction of the treatment I did at that therapist back then or most other times I've tried to bring up anything wrong with me to people in my life. I just don't know what to do I'm sorry I'm sorry

Hi Purple, I am so sorry for your experiences, and would like to start by validating your mental health struggles, and trauma history, and commend you for the self awareness it takes to want to develop new coping skills for a healthy functioning base line. We all deserve the space and time to explore what that means for us, and I hope you find yours as well. It makes all the sense in the world to me, that with both your background, and experiences, that the thought of seeking out therapy would feel the way it does for you. I deeply empathize with it, and know it is something that unfortunately does happen within the medical community. I had the opportunity to reply to a previous ask about something similar that I'll link here as well, but essentially, I'd like to copy over two core parts of it: This link about red flags in therapists (not to discourage!) but to help validate your experiences and not potentially self-gas light yourself as you navigate new medical professionals along your healing journey.

But also this part:

"Of course it’s very understandable that without feeling safe, the appointment could feel so jarring that even if you meet a kind one, it could be hard to convey what you’re looking for.  

My first advice would be to ask if someone can go with you, someone you feel comfortable with, and who you might even be able to practice a dialogue with beforehand.  

Even if they can, or cannot come, my second piece of advice is to have your questions written down as well.  Worst come to worst, if you feel unable to verbally share your concerns, perhaps you could slide them over so they can reply.  

My third piece of advice is to ask for a print out of the after visit summary, with clear instructions and follow up to what the next steps might be - something you can refer to in the future as well." Regardless of what you choose moving forward, I hope you find someone who helps you feel seen, heard, and encourages you along your healing path.

Mod Kat

#trauma talks #mod kat #therapy #purple

[zee-has-commitment-issues]

Zee, I would like to start by saying sorry. I didn’t mean to bring up horrible things talking about drama, you being “famous” from the asks, and your past. I had no idea, and I shouldn’t have said anything at all. I am so very sorry. Next, I am so angry on your behalf that any of this happened to you. This is horrendous. No one, especially not an adult, should have done anything like that to anyone (especially not a minor). There is no excuse for her behavior. 1/?

Hello again, my darling.

I want to start off by saying that you have nothing to be sorry for. You didn't cross any boundaries. If I really felt uncomfortable answering, I would have kept it to myself and deleted the ask. You didn't pressure me into posting anything I didn't want to. This story needed to get told somewhere, anyway. I've been keeping it to myself for too long.

I told you it was batshit, and I hope I delivered.

I wouldn't call myself blameless in this story. I was manipulated, yes, and I was groomed, yes, but I'm not completely blameless. Or at least I don't think I am. Idk maybe it's just the leftover mental illness saying that, I wouldn't be surprised.

I don't feel much joy in art anymore. It brings me back to a time I'd like to forget. I found my love for writing again, and that is enough for me. The fact that I'm writing something that I've posted and people enjoy is enough for me. I don't know if I will ever find joy in art again, which is a shame because I was really fucking good at it, but c'est la vie.

Yeah, people finding me was really fucking weird, and really fucking scary. I stopped tagging my friends and family in posts and I changed my fucking name. It hasn't happened in a while now, and I think I'm probably safe. The last time it happened was last year. Someone on my college campus recognized me, so that was really fucking awkward.

I'm thankful to my family and friends and my therapist for getting me through it. Honestly, I don't know what I'd do without them. I hope y'all understand what I mean now when I say that Dani is like one of my limbs, lmao. I genuinely can't live without her and she kept me sane throughout a lot of this - reminded me that I was allowed to have negative feelings about it.

Once again, darling, don't worry about it. You didn't do anything wrong. If I truly felt uncomfortable answering, I wouldn't have. There's a little "delete ask" option that I could have used. I'm not mad, or hurt, or re-traumatized or anything. It was a shitty situation, and it had a shitty aftermath, and I'm living with the consequences. It taught me lessons about life. Lessons I probably didn't want to learn, but needed to. And now y'all know a little more about me.

I'll leave you with this comment from Dani because I think it perfectly sums up what the fuck our lives were like in 2021:

We were fucking teenagers. And we still are.

#ask #anon #zee's dark and mysterious fandom past

[mentalillnessmouse]

(p1) Hi, I'm writing because I feel there is no hope for me. I'm 30, I live at home where I get verbally mistreated (it was physical when I was younger.) I'm morbidly obese, agoraphobic, I literally didn't leave the house for a 2 year period and still rarely do. I have 0 friends and never had any except a few online ones who ditched me years ago. I was bullied constantly. I have self-harm marks all over my arms. I've NEVER had a job, or finished high school. I still almost never leave the house.

(p2) I’ve asked for help to learn to drive, but they tell me I can’t. I guess because they call me autistic and tell me I am not very smart and make jokes about me having ADHD. I took those comments seriously and they told me I was “looking for problems.” WHAT? I made the mistake of speaking with a few psychiatrists about it who shut me down because, in their words, I didn’t “look” like I had those issues. And that my parents had hard jobs so it made sense they would lash out at me. 

(p3) I deal with other issues too like menorrhagia. A doctor had me do an ultrasound (this was like my 3rd one since ‘06) and sent me to a specialist because they saw something. The specialist said she didn’t think anything was there and wasn’t going to actually examine me. I gave up. I’m afraid to speak up for myself, I genuinely don’t understand how to live, make friends, talk to people. I feel like I just have TOO MANY issues. And at my age I don’t see why anyone would bother with me anymore.

(p4) I have an appt with a psych at the same place as the others because I have my city’s free insurance and nowhere else to go. I don’t know if I can do it again after this? I just wanted somewhere to reach out at least one more time :( I’ve reached out to others (like extended family) who will talk to me for a bit then ignore? I can’t help but to feel damaged or like I’m doing something wrong I can’t figure out. I feel like a weak loser and I didn’t try good enough.I’m sorry this is so long

Hello Anon, 

I’m mod Bee and I’ll do my best to help you out, but I received help myself from the other mods to write you back. So this is a communal effort!

Thank you for reaching out, and I’m sorry you’re going though such a difficult and distressing situation. You sound strong and tenacious, and I’m proud of you for the way you keep trying to improve your life. 

We have some suggestions that we hope can be of help. They’ll concerne:

finding online communities/groups to hang out with

finding a professional that suits your needs 

looking for courses you can join 

thinking about possible job options 

Just an head up: this is going to be long, and it will contain tons of links. I’ll highlight one - that I think it’s most useful - for each section, but I suggest you to go through them all. 

1. finding online communities/groups to hang out with

Having friends is important for our mental health, but it can get difficult to make new ones, especially when we’ve been burned before.  

Online communities, forums, and groups, can be good places to start looking for friends again. You can approach them with as much caution as you need, and find those people you relate with the most.

If you like games, and rpgs in particular, there are online options that allow you to connect with other others all over the world. Activities like Dungeon&Dragons are based around players’ interactions, so you’d get to know people without putting the stress on forging new friendships. The article 10 Best Online Chat Rooms & Games suggests other equally fitting games. 

Forums and groups where you can share your experience and fears are another important tool you can use. I’ve looked into active ones and found Panic Disorder and Agoraphobia Forum, r/Agoraphobia/ (on reddit), bus (a self-harm support forum), Mental health support group and discussion community, Online Support Groups by Turn2Me, PsychForums (Psychology and Mental Health Forums), and the ReachOut app.

Trying with pen pals - a one on one exchange - could also be a good idea: InterPals and PenPalWorld are only two of the many websites dedicated to this purpose. Here’s some tips on how it works.

Finally, there are apps with the specific purpose of finding new friends, like Bumble BFF. Try to see if you there’s one of your liking in this list.

2. finding a professional that suits your needs

We usually recommend what it’s colloquially called “psychiatrist/therapist shopping”, the act of choosing a professional after inquiring what we need to know of their line of work, based on our own wishes, and asking this to more than one.

It’s difficult when insurance covers just a little portion of professionals, but not impossible. 

Can’t afford therapy? No insurance? Need low cost options? Here is a great list of ways to get help when money or insurance is an issue.

Therapy For Every Budget: How To Access It

9 Ways to Get Free or Cheap Therapy When You Don’t Have Health Insurance

Dial 211 for Essential Community Services: if you call 211, you can ask about free therapy options in your area, or how to work with you insurance to afford other professionals.

If none of these options work out, and you have to stick with the professional your insurance provides, there are measures you can take that might help making the sessions successful. Check out 21 Tips for getting the most out of each therapy session and How to Talk to Your Doctors When They Don’t Listen. 

If your new psychiatrist tries to dismiss you without hearing everything that you have to say, insist that they write on your record exactly what they did and why, and that you absolutely want a copy of it before you exit their room. It’s your right to have both your requests accomplished. I know it’s not easy to have them respected: you’ll probably have to stand your ground and that can be difficult, but I think it’s important for you and fundamental for what you can get out of this session. This is a post with links to various module you can complete to help you assert yourself, which I suggest you to start before going to your appointment, if you can. It can be useful to face your family, too.

Does your insurance cover a different specialist for the gynecological problem your doctor wanted you to check out? Is there any free or low-cost clinic near you, like Planned Parenthood or Free Clinic? You can inquire about their services through email.

3. looking for courses you can join

Online courses can be helpful for a number of things, like keeping busy, learning new stuff, feeling accomplished, and possibly getting some qualifications. 

There are some free options that end with a proper certificate, but not all are accredited, meaning that they’re not automatically accepted by employers (they can choose to consider them valid or not). Still, there are no downsides in joining such a course, seeing that it doesn’t cost anything but your time.

Not accredited certificates/no certificates:

Alison’s Diploma Courses and Certificate Courses 

FutureLearn doesn’t grant you certificates with their free courses, but it still provides learning access

edX’s Courses

Udemi, not free but it offers up to 90% discounts generally once a month

Learn how to code, a masterpost that lists different courses to learn coding

Free Online Language Courses, a masterpost that lists different courses to learn languages  

24 Invaluable Skills To Learn For Free

Accredited certificates

coursera offers some free courses, and/or the possibility to apply for financial aid

Online Degree require no tuition, no applications, and no interviews, and has worked so participating Universities around the country will consider the courses for credit, potentially finishing up to an entire freshman year of college

edX’s Professional Certificate Programs are not free, but edX offers up to a 90% discount to those who prove they cannot pay a full price.

University Of The People is tuition-free, which means there is no charge for teaching or instruction, only initial fees (around 160$) for each course. You can also apply for scholarships.

on StudyPortal - Scholarships, you can find a huge number of scholarships available in your country, and here you can find the easiest scholarships to apply to. There are also scholarships for online courses.

There’s also the possibility of completing high school through virtual courses, and if they’re organized by your State’s public school system, they should be free. You can find more info on this here. 

4. thinking about possible job options

Working towards finding a job is important for our own self-worth and feeling like a valuable member of society, and of course it can also help with looking for better therapy. 

It can be tricky when mental and physical illnesses are at play, though. That’s why I’d like to give you some online options here, too, that don’t ask for any particular prerequisite, and would give you enough free time to focus to get better. Jobs like data entry or app testing are doable from home, and may not pay much, but they’d allow you to start building some savings. 

5 Online Jobs That Require Little or No Experience

No Experience? Start One of These Online Jobs

Best Data Entry Jobs From Home

10 (Legit) Data Entry Jobs from Home

Work At Home Data Entry on Indeed.com

FlexJobs

Glassdoor

Whatever you choose, creating a strong resume is always a good step. I’m giving you some resources on how to do that:

How to Create a Professional Resume

How To Make A Resume 101

Help Everyone Find A Job In Their Field

And between checking out all these options we gave you, please try to do some of this Workout For Daily Life, because focusing on a screen for too long can cause so many aches!

You’re not a loser, you’re strong and you keep fighting for yourself, which is admirable. I hope these resources can be of help, and please do send another ask if you need anything else.

Take care,

mod Bee

#ask MIM #seeking help #online jobs #online courses #agoraphobia #self harm #mod Bee #Anonymous

[system-of-a-feather]

I've dated before without the knowledge of having DID. I'm honestly scared to date now. How do you deal with dating in your system? -Host

I realized after writing that this was way longer than I remember. Synopsis is that I put a bit of a personal story, and five main points to consider while dating with DID. For a full explanation, click “Keep Reading”. XD I don’t want to fill up everyone’s dash with this long message

Hey sorry to hear about your experience dating with DID. Honestly for us it is a long story. I’ve been in two ‘relationships’ and I put that in quotations since one was kinda a situation of me being groomed by an online friend that was 22 when I was 14 and it was kind of bad and we don’t need to go into that tbh.

As for the one more relevant to the topic of DID, it is just kind of something that we had to figure out as we went. We technically weren’t diagnosed or really knowledgeable on what DID was for the good like first year and a half of our relationship and the first year dating was so incredibly shaky.

When I had started dating my current boyfriend / fiance, it was WELL established that I was mentally ill, depressed, full of anxiety, and had some notable trauma issues as well as issues with expressing my emotions, trusting people, and just the general concept of love / friendship due to some issues with us being friends, him asking us out, and then a bit of a manipulative extended rejection from Aderis, our old persecutor protector / primary protector at the time. We only started talking again over a shared club leadership and because our therapist at the time said that I HAD to make friends.

Anyways, we had major major issues when we started dating him, partially because we had really poor communication and even worse coordination, especially since we weren’t diagnosed and while we generally knew of each other’s existence, the extreme denial was real since Lucille and I wrote it off as a delusion we developed to please a toxic friend and we wanted to have nothing to do with being a system. A lot of my tips with dating with DID came from a lot of trial and error the hard way and a really patient partner with experience having a mother with PTSD and dissociative tendencies.

This pretty much led to my fiance getting thrown a lot of my really bad depression at the time, suicidal from our suicidal alter, emotional disconnect / disinterest from Lucille, and outright attempts to push, scare, and torment him away from Aderis. I 100% consider him crazy for staying as much as I am super grateful.

Anyways, story time aside, if I had to pinpoint the main issues with dating with DID I would say the following.

1) The System is Not All On Board / Okay With Dating.

The most important detail and largest issue I’ve found with dating with DID is the host (or even another alter) starting a relationship out of their own interest without trying to communicate or check in with the rest of the system. This is ESPECIALLY problematic when a persecutor-protector is against the relationship from what I’ve seen. It might suck, but having DID is pretty much like having a democracy over a monarchy and often times that means that decisions have to be made as a team. If one alter starts working too much in their own self interest and disregards the system, chaos is going to start and inner system drama will start.

When it comes to dating with DID, I feel it is important that you are able to get most of the system on board and for those that you can’t, make plans and give your partner a warning about them / apologize ahead of time. This doesn’t mean all the alters have to date that one person, but rather that they aren’t actively against it. 

This was the core issue that I had in the early stages of my dating as Aderis saw him as a place of vulnerability that will get us hurt and cause us to kill ourselves when “he inevitably left us” and as annoying waste of our time. Additionally, Lucille really didn’t see him as a long term relationship and took a while to actually take the relationship seriously which was a minor problem in comparison but still caused issues. It is important that before anything, you make sure the system knows and that there aren’t any major issues.

2) Poor Communication of Rules Within the System Regarding Dating.

Like anything within DID, its important to have rules established within your system on what is okay and what isn’t okay. This is especially true for dating. Maybe one alter would feel cheated on if another alter is dating them. Are your alters allowed to date your partner? What are they allowed to do and say with your partner? Are your alters allowed to explain what you are feeling for you to help solve the issue or better inform them? How should all your alters behave in order to try to respect the relationship? If an alter is uncomfortable with the relationship how should they mention / handle it? The questions vary from system to system and alter to alter so it’s important to see what is important to your system.

This honestly was only something we started to pick up and still are working out since we have poor communication outside of me and Lucille to my knowledge. One important thing, if anything, that I found most useful is figuring out if it is okay for an alter to explain a situation for you as PTSD and depression may make it hard and leave the partner confused or in the dark and such lack of transparency causes relationship issues. This wasn’t discussed in the system at the start, but when Lucille started explaining the situation to my partner and giving him an explanation on what would be best to handle the situation, it really helped make mental health complications easier and smoother. It let my partner understand what I was going through when I otherwise couldn’t mention it and made it easier for him to be patient and supportive rather than confused, stressed, and upset.

3) Poor Understanding of Each Alter’s Boundaries with Partner

This one I have read more about than personally experienced but I do have some details on this too. Not all alters will see the partner in the same way. Some might find them a full on romantic and sexual partner, some might only see them as a sexual partner, some might see them as a close friend and some might just see them as a stranger. The way each alter sees your partner may vary and this can cause issues both within the system and the relationship. 

If one alter dislikes the partner but tolerates it, then the system shouldn’t try to force them to like your partner if they don’t want to interact, and your partner should try to understand that that one alter has yet to warm up to them and not to expect anything, not to treat them the same as one that loves them, and understand that it isn’t anything personally attached to those that are dating them. Also, if one alter sees the partner as a platonic relationship, it is important that the partner doesn’t “make it weird” by treating that alter in a romantic or sexual way.

4) Partner Not Understanding DID Properly

This isn’t something that has to be found immediately into the relationship, but it should be built overtime. It is important that your partner understands how DID works and the myths vs facts about it as it can cause some barriers that may make problems understanding one another. They don’t necessarily have to study up on it, but perhaps just doing a bit of research or you explaining it to them can do some good. If they actually bother to understand it, then it will do a lot to help the relationship be more smooth. This is integral to really get a good number of these details to work.

5) Co-Morbid Mental Health Issues.

I can’t specifically talk too much on this as there is way too many things that might be involved, but it is important to know that DID often comes with a number of co-morbid mental health issues that likely will come into play as well that should be looked into.

Overall, I really have to stress that this is easier said than done and I am lucky to have the guy that I do since I don’t have to deal with the issue of being forward to a new person I am dating that I have this disorder. It is important to keep communication within the system and with your partner strong and the better everyone can communicate with one another, the better the relationship will be able to stand. It isn’t easy but it is possible. 

And this isn’t specific to like, DID and dating, but generally I would recommend trying to get to know your partner on a platonic level before trying to date them romantically. That way you guys can have a stronger foundation to build a relationship on and a level of communication is already set in place that would assist a lot in figuring out all the communication that is needed in a relationship.

-Riku (Host)

#did #d.i.d. #actually dissociative #dissociative identity disorder #osdd #dating #relationships #dating with did #alters #alter #mental health #dating with mental health #did tips #alter: riku #tips #suicidality #grooming #groom #tw: grooming #tw: suicide #tw: suicidality #asks #ask

[garden-of-succulents]

Wait, so you don't have BPD but you want to write parse with bpd as your representation? How does that work? I'm really sorry, I like your Parse stories and read them and I don't mean to say that you shouldn't write them, but I don't understand where you're coming from on this. Is it really that difficult to identify with any of the characters of color on the same level?

I’ll answer your questions backwards so the long personal story can go under a readmore:

“Is it really that difficult to identify with any of the characters of color on the same level?“

That’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot over the last few weeks. Like, mental health is my wheelhouse, that’s a huge thing I write about; what about writing mentally ill characters of colour?  I can do it pretty easily with my OCs (cf. Luis and Maida) but feeling my way into mental health themes with canon characters of colour is more difficult while Kent and Jack are kind of like... low-hanging fruit, for me.

It’s why I’ve started bugging @abominableobriens with thoughts about BPD Nursey, gone back to trying to work my way into Ransom’s anxiety (I can’t find the post where I talk about where I was with this a couple months ago).  It’s not a smooth process, though--I’m flopping around being like “but how do I respect Ransom’s personality and preferences but get him some TREATMENT and REST” and “Okay but I haaate conflict-laden relationships and Nursey and Dex’s canon relationship is so full of sniping, how do I write Nursey without Dex?” and that’s the kind of flailing and experimentation I have to do internally or talking to a few people. Mostly the for-public-consumption stuff that’s come out of that process so far has been fluffy romantic headcanons.

So we’ll see how that goes. It’s partly that positive depictions of BPD/the kind of complex trauma I’m interested in are really rare. Before OMGCP, I spent most of my time writing straight-up OCs in fandom contexts because I couldn’t find what I wanted in the source material. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Oookay, and now for the long bit: Why I care really personally about representations of BPD even though I don’t have it myself.

So basically, I’ve been depressed/mentally ill since elementary school, but growing up I kind of internalized the idea that letting my family know I was suffering would be so awful and unbearable for them that I could NOT do it. So I hated myself and I was miserable and was convinced that I couldn’t tell any adults about it. The big lifeline for me were young adult problem novels--books about teens in treatment programs for eating disorders or self-injury or, heck, kidney disease or parapalegia--I never saw myself in the symptoms, precisely, which was confusing, but I did see myself in the emotional experience of overwhelming pain, and I was captivated by the idea that feeling so awful all the time wasn’t normal, it was a disease; and a disease that could be treated. There were people who could help me be Not-That--but I couldn’t ask my parents to see a therapist, since that would be too awful for them, so I tried to soak up what knowledge I could through those books (or the nonfiction books that were available to me).  The books... were very  bland, whitewashed, rendered down to be acceptable; the girls were very soft, very fragile, would never hurt a fly (except themselves). I kind of internalized that as what a Good Mentally Ill Person should look like, and didn’t realize there was any other sort of mental illness.

In junior high school I started being able to articulate this depression to other kids and started making friends, online and in real life, who were also mentally ill like me. We could talk together about feeling worthless and unlovable, and participate in a conspiracy of silence Not To Let The Adults Know.

I’m struggling to explain this and keep my narrative somehow concise, not an essay about my entire childhood--long story short, I’m not Borderline; I was a lot more emotionally stable, even if my stability was in absolute fucking misery. I could take an emotion like a punch to the gut and sit with it, when a lot of my friends would have to get it out somehow--it drove them to do crazy and self-destructive things. (As an adult I know this difference is a lot about genetics and our lives before the age of three.)  And also, long story short, I learned that one way to make people like me was to pay attention to them and take care of them. I nurtured out of self-defense and because it was the only way I knew how to socialize. So I was the person all my friends told about their problems.

And I thought they were like me, that we had the same problems, the same illness? I tried to take what I learned from books and apply it, which was all about being patient and giving and empathetic and loyal and A Good Friend. I thought friendship could cure anything.  No matter what anybody did to me, I was totally disconnected from my anger and self-protective instincts; I thought I had to be a sponge, soaking up all their bad emotions and loving them no matter what.

So I was totally unprepared for them to split on me. I didn’t know anything about the idealization/devaluation cycle.

Splitting is... so, Borderline Personality Disorder is basically an inability to self-regulate, to integrate, to tolerate ambiguity. Either the person with it is an amazing perfect god, or a destructive piece of shit. Either their friend is a wonderful loving angel, or an evil demon who hates them and wants them to suffer. And this is an opinion that can flip on a dime, depending on how the person feels in that moment. So like--

I was maybe 16 or 17, and made a friend through a speech and debate club I was part of. From out of nowhere she liked me, thought I was pretty and smart and special. I stayed up until 3am one weekend and talked with her; we shared our hopes, our dreams, our favourite books. She sang a Scottish ballad that she said reminded her of me (”black is the colour of my true love’s hair”). The next time we met she gave me a little teddy bear with a hand-written note about what a good friend I was.

Then in the club, it was my job to make sure everyone got to meetings on time and was properly dressed and everything, and someone pointed out to me that my friend was wearing a skirt that was way shorter than dress guidelines allowed for. I had to go tell her that she was supposed to change and said, squirmingly uncomfortable, “People have talked to me...”  She stalked off.

That night was a ceremony where people who aged out of the group got to talk a little bit about what the group meant to them, and say goodbye to people, and play or sing a song. Her turn came, and she announced that our entire group was full of fake, awful, petty monsters, two-faced liars, almost as hurtful, hateful, and abusive as her foster parents. The song she played was “Just Like You” by Three Days Grace. I sobbed the entire time and tried to apologize to her, but it didn’t work. 

About a month later, she emailed someone in the group to say she’d been angry and hadn’t meant it, and she was sorry for ruining the ceremony.

That kind of thing happened to me with... maybe five or six different people, to greater or lesser degrees, from the time I was 12 to the time I was 20, which is when I finally got a handle on what was going on and how to predict it and keep it from happening. Friendships where everything was fine, wonderful, great thanks, how are you, fine, wonderf--KABOOM YOU’RE A FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT LIS YOU ABUSER (oh wait sorry i didn’t mean it where are you going).

It took a lot of work to learn that I had to get my sense of self from something other than helping other people, to look after my own needs as well as other peoples’, to learn (GASP) to accept and even ask for help. A lot of things changed when my mom told us, when I was 15, that she was depressed and going into therapy, because that meant we were allowed to do these things in our family. I immediately blurted out, “Can I see a therapist too?”  So I got more centred in myself, and also finally figured out what was going on with my friends, and got better at maintaining friendships with people with BPD that did not explode, at making friendships that were not based around me being a pseudo-therapist, and at getting my helping-people jonesing out with actual paid work.

So you might notice that a lot of my fics about Kent and BPD aren’t actually from Kent’s perspective or about him--they’re about people trying to live with him. Hurricane or Campsites are stories about people who know what to expect, who have some understanding of what he’s like and how to keep themselves safe. They can find ways to love him for his good parts without letting his bad parts hurt them, can love him without letting themselves be sucked in by the extreme warmth of his regard, can maintain their own boundaries and make their own decisions.

(To be honest, I was initially really amazed to find that people with BPD appreciate my fics or me talking about the subject? Because I am an outsider, because I am writing from this perspective--a medical perspective, no less! The voice of the Establishment! But a lot of people have been really receptive to my POV--which might just be, again, the paucity of positive representations at all.)

I didn’t really think about it this way until I got this ask and started trying to explain it, but... I’m trying to write the kind of story I could have used when I was a kid.

(So then you ask, Lis, you’re still writing about other people, about meeting other peoples’ needs--when are you going to write about children like you were, about experiences like yours? When are you going to tell your own story? and then I change the topic and sidle awkwardly out of the room. I’m not ready for that yet.)

#stuff i wrote #kent parson discourse #race in fandom discourse #mental health #bpd kent parson #bpd nursey #Anonymous

[lets-get-fictional]

(TW for abuse!) The parent of my main character becomes abusive during the MC's middle school years. The parent was never abusive before or at least not physically abusive. I need some help brainstorming some ideas for why the parent started physically abusing the MC. I have a few, but I'm not sure I'm satisfied with any of them. Of course, if you aren't comfortable with this topic, I understand! You don't have to answer.

Anonymous asked:

how do I write an abusive relationship where gets worse and worse over time? for any genders

I decided to answer both these asks in one, since what I have to say really covers both questions.

Thank you both for your questions!  This is definitely a sensitive topic, so I’m going to tag this copiously – but I have no problem discussing this, personally, so don’t worry.  You haven’t offended me :]

These are both questions that ask for a broad kind of answer, though, so I’m going to approach it from the emotional aspect.  After all, abusive situations always derive from some kind of intense emotion in the abuser.  This doesn’t excuse their actions, of course, but it is to say that the occasion of abuse arising from a perfectly healthy relationship with perfectly healthy people is rare if not impossible.

Writing Abusive Relationships

The three kinds of abuse, from what I’ve read and experienced, are physical, mental, and emotional abuse.  The first anon is referring to physical abuse, so this is the type of abuse I’m going to discuss.  It’s also a type of abuse that usually starts at home, in the abuser’s childhood as they’re mentally development.  Physical abuse is used as an outlet for emotions, meaning that the abuser, either as a child or through some sort of traumatic situation in adulthood, learned an unhealthy way to express their emotions, and has not learned a better coping mechanism since (or slips out of it in times of stress).

For example: as a child, I used to hit my brother… a lot.  Sometimes for seemingly no reason.  It wasn’t because of some trauma I’d endured or even an example of abuse I’d witnessed.  It was because I had a build-up of emotions that I didn’t know how to handle.  I felt inferior to my brother and unloved by my parents (for reasons I won’t discuss here), and acting out made me feel better for a few minutes.  It got my parents’ attention.  It expressed an anger that I couldn’t put into words, either for fear I’d be punished or because I didn’t know what I was feeling at all.  It wasn’t because I wanted my brother to be hurt – but because it made me feel superior.

Then I got a bit older, and realized what kind of person I wanted to be.  I figured out why it was happening, and most importantly, I felt really, really guilty.

So I grew out of it, as many aggressive children do.  I’ve recently discovered that I’m autistic, which probably attributed to my struggles with expressing my emotions.  I’ve developed different emotional habits (some of which aren’t any healthier, but they don’t hurt anybody) and even in much more stressful times, I’ve never hit anyone since.

Anyway, storytime ends there.  The point is that abusive tendencies don’t crop up out of nowhere, and they definitely don’t just disappear.  Emotions have to build up to the point that they overflow, and when an abuser first lashes out and it sends a signal to their brain saying, “This feels better.  This is getting the emotions out,” that’s when the pattern begins.  And it doesn’t stop until that person:

figures out the emotional cause behind the impulse

learns and practices new coping mechanisms to deal with said emotion

works to heal their relationships, so that their guilt can be lessened and supportive relationships can be established

develops a new self-image, creating a personality higher than abuse – otherwise, their guilt can draw them back into the pattern (the “this-is-who-I-really-am” mentality)

So that’s for the second anon mainly.  Now I’ll go into the different emotions that could be sparking your character’s abusive tendencies, and what situations could be sparking those emotions.

The Heart Behind Abuse – Four Chief Causes

Physical abuse starts from an underlying, building emotion – then it shows itself when this emotion swells and becomes overwhelming.  These feelings come from all sorts of complicated situations, but they can be boiled down to four chief causes:

Frustration

Frustration is the most recognizable cause of physical abuse, as violence is usually associated with strong feelings of anger.  This feeling, like any of the feelings I’ll mention below, does not have to be caused by the victim of the abuse.  Any external source of stress can be transferred onto the victim, creating a target.  Frustration can build up due to:

stress at work (lack of respect, heavy workload, conflict with a coworker)

romantic relationships (lack of communication, arguments, partner’s negative influence)

physical stressors (muscle aches, headaches, illness [possibly progressing], sexual frustration)

failure (slipping into bad habits, disappointing loved ones, inability to perform up to one’s own standards)

personal frustration with victim (victim “disrespects” abuser, victim is unable to do as abuser commands, victim reminds abuser of a negative person/image)

Frustration is usually built up gradually and can create a seemingly sudden and confusing outburst of abuse for the victim.  Frustration is a difficult trigger to manage as it has many sources and can crop up at any time.  Victim may come away from their abuse never knowing what sparked it – possibly blaming themselves.  Victim could “learn” this method of dealing with frustration and repeat the pattern themselves.  Anger management therapy is usually the recommended course of action for the abuser.

Hurt

Hurt (or emotional pain) is often overlooked as a trigger of abusive coping mechanisms, mainly because of the strong social correlation between abuse and anger.  Again, hurt feelings don’t necessarily have to be caused by the victim – although this kind of abuse is usually more personal, therefore more likely to be an interpersonal issue (and therefore more recurrent/traumatizing).  Hurt can be built up due to:

crushed hopes (no promotion, bad grades, rejection letters, personal rejection)

grief (loss of loved one, loss of self-image, loss of passion or source of validation)

heartache (unrequited love, parental disapproval, loneliness, broken trust)

triggered pain (resurfacing memories, reentry into an abusive environment, conflict building feelings of paranoia or abandonment)

personal hurt with victim (real or imagined: betrayal/dishonesty, victim “attacking” abuser, emotional/verbal abuse from victim)

Hurt is more often a sudden onslaught of emotion, and can be less psychologically damaging to the victim if the cause of the hurt (and therefore the abuse) is recognizable.  Victim may sympathize with abuser or develop feelings of anger toward the “cause” of the abuser’s pain.  If the victim is the proclaimed cause of the pain, the victim may develop feelings of guilt which are damaging for years to come.  Counseling and reconciliation of the source of hurt is usually the recommended course of action for the abuser.

Fear

Fear (especially powerlessness) is a strong, yet often overlooked cause of abuse.  It draws from the Fight-or-Flight response humans are supposed to use for survival – but in this case, it’s manipulated to provide emotional protection.  The fear to which I’m referring isn’t actually a fear of a certain situation, although it’s usually triggered by some external loss of control.  The real fear is a fear of emotions.  When there is no solid coping mechanism put in place, any strong feeling becomes terrifying.  Some people run from their feelings through drugs/alcohol/sex/etc..  Some people fight their feelings, which takes a physical form in abuse.  Common triggers of fear include:

powerlessness (professionally or personally, inability to control victim, inability to control themselves, money problems)

overwhelming circumstances (too much responsibility, unsafe environment)

fear of self (fear of revisiting personal traumas, feeling unable to stop lashing out, demonizing self)

fear of others (of their own abusers, of politicians/the media, of therapists, of being abandoned, of being fooled, of being used, of being loved, of being hated)

personal fear of victim (any of the above)

Fear builds up gradually, and it is the easiest for the abuser to explain away or ignore.  It can also allow the abuser to take the role of the victim, allowing abuse to continue and worsen with little or no guilt felt on the part of the abuser.  Victims can feel guilty or can adopt the abuser’s fear (especially of external causes like money problems or fear of therapists) which hinders the process of accurately placing guilt and ending the abusive cycle.  Victims may not only learn behavior, but mimic or return the behavior as the abuse makes them afraid, which makes them act out of their own fear.  Counseling for the issue of fear of emotions, rather than the specific cause of fear, is the recommended course of action.  Counseling for phobias or extreme paranoia may also be desired.

Neurodivergencies

I would have put “mental illness” here, but that’s a bit too specific for what I’m discussing here.  Anything that affects the neurotypical mind can, in some instances, take part in abusive behavior.  This means that external substances, trauma, and even autism will be included here.

A quick disclaimer: this is not to say that neurodivergent people are more prone to abusive tendencies.  My only point is that the aforementioned emotional causes can be exacerbated by mental neurodivergency.  Emotionally healthy ND people don’t go around abusing people.  Neurodivergency is a catalyst of emotional problems becoming abuse – not a cause of abuse.

Neurodivergencies that can exacerbate emotional health issues include:

addiction (alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction [abuse can arise from the abuser being sexually rejected], to name a few)

divergencies that hinder emotional expression (autism, depression, muteness, dissociative identity disorder, intellectual disability)

divergencies that heighten emotional intensity (generalized anxiety disorder, borderline personalitiy disorder, bipolar disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, paranoid personality disorder, schizophrenia)

divergencies that dull emotions (autism, bipolar disorder, depersonalization disorder, depression, sleep disorders)

(Some items are listed in more than one category as mental illness/disabilities are complex and have various effects in various phases).

Mental disorders and substance abuse can make strong emotions even more difficult to handle and express to others, which can trigger an abusive outlet.  This kind of abuse is highly tied to the abuser’s relationship with therapy and medication/sobriety – if the abuser is on the wrong medication, or abandons their medication (or their sobriety), they may lash out more often or more violently.  The abuse itself may come to a complete stop under the right treatment (depending on the mental abnormality at hand), but the emotional problems which cause the abusive tendency will still remain underneath.

Victims will struggle to place blame on the abuser and may remain in the abusive cycle for a long time, attempting to resolve the abuse or feeling the “responsibility” to handle the mistreatment because of their love for the abuser.  Victims can develop internalized ableism or fear of neurodivergency. Diagnosis and proper treatment as well as counseling on emotional management is the recommended course of action for the abuser.

So mother of goose, this was a long post.  I hope this has helped both of you to understand exactly what you’re writing, and how it starts/progresses/ends.  I’ll try my best to tag this appropriately so that no one is affected/harmed by the content of this post.  If the anons (or anyone really) has any other questions, be sure to send them in.

Thanks for reading, and good luck getting through the tough content!

If you need advice on general writing or fanfiction, you should maybe ask me!

#writing #writeblr #writing tips #writing advice #writing reference #my post #abuse #domestic abuse #abuse tw #abuse cw #tw: abuse #cw: abuse #tw: domestic abuse #idk I excessively tag tws #ableism #tw: ableism #ableism cw #relationships #abusive relationship #substance abuse #family #ask #anon ask

[roleplaystorageroom]

A man, a doctor, and a song.

“And that's why I think treatment could be concluded here and I'd be fine,” Kieran finished. A lengthy speech, no doubt long prepared and rehearsed of all the improvements he had made and why he would be so much better off without therapy.

Christian listened attentively but ultimately shook his head.

“No, I don't think so,” he said.

“What?” Kieran frowned. “What do you mean you don't think so, I'm… I'm right!”

“I'm afraid I disagree. Yes, you have made great improvements. You get out of bed, you function throughout your days, you maintain your relationships much better than before we started our work together. But does this mean there is nothing left to work through? Not at all.”

“I don't understand,” Kieran said, shaking his head with a deep frown remaining on his face. “I'm doing really well, like you said I manage to do the things I'm supposed to do and I'm---”

“Yes,” Christian interrupts, “but do you do them gladly? Do you wake up with lightness in your shoulders most of the time? Does food taste as it should most of the time, do you manage to express yourself when necessary most of the time?”

With that, Kieran remained silent. He stared at his therapist, hating him for bringing up the lack of perfection.

“I am not saying you have to be perfectly balanced and thrilled constantly. No one is,” Christian continued, as though he was really able to read the other man's mind, “but it's about  feeling alright most of the time, instead of now and then. The fact that you do feel alright at all is fantastic and a big leap forward from where we have been. But this is not the end of the road, Kieran.”

Kieran let forth a deep sigh. He looked out the window, at the view that was now so familiar.

“In fact… I'm somewhat worried about you.”

“Why?” Kieran asked, looking at the man across the desk from him. “I'm doing fine, Simon and I are finally in a good place, Mason and I are, too. Sebastian is improving, and I--”

“You are defining how well you are doing based on your relations with others, no yourself. Do you see that?”

Again, Kieran was silenced by Christian's words. That's not how he thought about it at all, but he saw the man's point as it was shown to him. Still, he didn't agree, but he knew better than to start arguing. It would end up with him getting angry, and he didn't much like himself when he was angry. He looked at the long-haired man a while longer, then looked out the window.

“This is exactly why I am worried about you,” Christian said after a pause. “You never fight anymore.”

Kieran frowned. “You want me to fight with you?”

“I want you to show some passion about things. Lately you say very little in our sessions unless I drag it out of you and despite deliberately provoking you on occasion, the most you will do is clench a fist and stare out the window.”

“I thought controlling my anger issues was supposed to be a good thing.”

“Controlling the anger is not the same as denying it, Kieran.”

With a noise of frustration, Kieran pushed his hands into his hair. “I don't know what you want from me.  Nothing I do is good enough. It's never right, it's never – I can't be anything but a fuck-up if you can't tell me what you want me to do!”

Christian put his notepad down and leaned forward with his elbows resting on his desk. “This is not about what I want from you. Why do you think that?”

“Because--” Kieran's face twisted with dismay. He got up, paced toward the window which he pushed open. “Because I feel like you have this box you need me to fit into or I can never stop coming here. And I'm trying to fit into that box so fucking hard, Christian, I'm trying.”

“I do not want you in a box,” Christian explained calmly. “I want you to be yourself, but a mentally healthy version of yourself.”

“That doesn't help me. I don't know what to do with that, I thought I was… I thought this is what you-- what I should be doing. But you're telling me it's wrong.”

Christian let out a breath through his nose and sat back again, fingers laced together in his lap. “That isn't quite what I was trying to say. All I mean is that you should not be censoring your feelings. Be they anger or anything else, they must be allowed a way out. The manner you used to express yourself was not healthy – but neither is completely suppressing any form of expression.”

Kieran breathed in deeply of the air flowing in through the window. Filled with the fresh scents of spring, it brought an ache to his heart he didn't quite understand. He eventually turned to Christian again and folded his arms over his chest as he leaned on the window frame. “I don't know how to achieve that.”

“Yes you do. You start by talking to me again. Say what you're keeping inside. Say something… meaningful, something about what you're trying so hard to hide from me. From yourself and everyone around you.”

“I'm not trying to hide anything,” Kieran said defensively, but even as he said it he found himself distracted. In his mind, the faint traces of a melody was starting to form. On the rare occasion he didn't need Mason to help him find the actual melody to fit his lyrics, this is how it started. A group of words put together in a certain order triggered some musical corner of his mind. He must have been staring off into space for a while because he suddenly became aware of Christian saying his name rather firmly.

“Kieran! Are you still with me?” A certain undertone of concern was in his voice. Kieran only noticed it because he knew him so well by now that those nuances stood out to him whether he meant to notice or not.

“I'm sorry, yes… Yeah, I'm here. I think a song started to form.”

“A song? Music is a good form of expression.”

“Mm… It was something you said, not my own words. At least not at first.”

Christian watched the man with an intense, searching stare. This was an interesting first, being the witness to the man's artistic process. He wanted to make the most of it, and pulled a stack of blank parchments from one of the drawers in his desk. He held the stack out along with a pen, and made a beckoning gesture. “Go on, take them. Write what comes to mind.”

Kieran took the stack and the pen and walked back to the narrow sofa to sit. He laid the papers down on the table and began scribbling, occasionally drumming his fingers against his thigh. It was coming together, the melody in his head, at least part of it. He sat back after ten minutes, chewing the inside of his cheek.

“I want you to help me,” he said eventually and looked at Christian. “I know you write poetry.”

“I… do. But not always lyrical poetry.”

“Not 'always', but you do. So, help me. P-… please?” The word came out so very reluctantly when he looked at Christian, but he managed to formulate it. “You got this process started, now I'm stuck.”

“Hrm,” Christian grunted. He got out of his chair and went to sit down next to Kieran to read the lyrics he had written so far. “So you want to talk about what it's like coping with your illness and the pressures that you feel come with it at times?”

“I guess so… I guess-… I kinda want it to be about this. My therapy, with you.” Kieran looked almost embarrassed but as soon as the thought had wedged itself into his brain he couldn't get it out. This year of therapy, with a man he truly never liked, had been so difficult, so filled with internal and external conflict. The psychologist wanted him to express himself… why not start expressing himself about the difficulty of expressing himself, right?

Christian looked at Kieran for a while. Certainly was an unorthodox form of therapy. But did he, the first sex therapist in all of Tyria, the first to even bring that up as a term needed in the field at all, did he really have any right to say what was unorthodox therapy anymore? Not really. If the patient wanted to write collaborative poetry about their therapy, well… by all means.

They sat together for four hours, working on the one year history of their therapy together. How Kieran felt, how Christian viewed and interpreted. Even things Kieran felt about himself, about his situation beyond their therapy were included in the lyrics. Things were revealed, perhaps even chasms mended and bonds forged. That might have been overstating things but lyrics for a song that Kieran later went to record – with Christian in the studio – was the product of their work that day.

These are those lyrics:

If I could speak I'd tell you all my fears and deprivations If I could feel I'd take away your pain If I could bleed I'd show you all my scars and imperfections If I could breathe I'd hold you in my veins You've got me feeling like an animal Beat down in fear and paralyzed You've got me feeling like I have no other hand to hold In this assisted suicide So say something beautiful Say what you're keeping inside This anticipation I will only let you down Say something meaningful Say what you're trying to hide This anticipation I will only let you down If I could breed I'd show you all my infantile obsessions If I could sleep I'd hold you in my head If I was strong I'd keep you close and render you defenseless If I was gone I'd hope you'd take my place You've got me feeling like an animal Beat down in fear and paralyzed You've got me feeling like I have no other hand to hold In this assisted suicide So say something beautiful Say what you're keeping inside This anticipation I will only let you down Say something meaningful Say what you're trying to hide This anticipation I will only let you down So say something beautiful Say what you're keeping inside This anticipation I will only let you down Say something meaningful Say what you're trying to hide This anticipation I will only let you down