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#i am very normal about their relationship since childhood to adulthood

twistedbloodstain · 1 year

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simon riley x reader: i try to capture every minute the feeling in it. | domestic! simon riley with his infant kid

plot: the one where simon riley sees himself again.

warnings: simon as a dad :), fluff, domestic!simon

masterlist

if you’re pregnant and you two are in a committed relationship, i feel like he might either retire or go on leave for a long time. he feels like this a fresh start for him, a world where he doesn’t fight to live his life but where he actually lives his life.

he goes with you at the classes, for a more extensive level of information he reads some studies and books about infants and parenthood.

he’s quite wary of this very new chapter in his life, considering he never had a normal childhood, he’s scared he might fuck it all up with all that fear and trauma from his early life experiences.

the opposite happens, he’s (subtly) doting on your kid. all that protectiveness and paternal instincts kicking in.

your kid needs his nappy changed at 2 AM in the morning? get back to bed he’s on it. you’re too tired to bathe your kid? move aside he’ll do it. your kid suddenly throws a crying fit in the middle of nowhere? simon riley just spawned in.

he really tries. simon knows how much a traumatic childhood can shape children as they grow into adulthood and he doesn’t want that for his kid. he swears to himself he will never be like his father.

since he’s now a father, he definitely tries to cut the smoking. he’ll still go for an occasional smoke but it’s far away from your kid.

he finds it hard to let your kid leave his line of sight. maybe it’s the fear of losing or his instinct to keep everyone he cares about close to him.

in my opinion, i think he might lack at the emotional department. he’s not quite sure what to do there, since he’s not exactly the most expressive person. of course, he’s good at expressing through his actions but not through words. he might leave some of the task to you but he’ll try his best.

in short simon riley will be a good dad.

author’s note: someone requested this to me a year ago…im sorry. anyways i am actively accepting requests! (for real)

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sophietv · 8 months

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The Ultimate Thread Of Koincidences (2021) Part 3

Here's the part 3 of my thread since I reached the photo limit...again.

If you haven't read part two. Go read it before reading this one! (X)

Those are all the Kaylor evidences I could find for that year. If I've forgot some, don't hesitate to tell me so I can add them!

If you haven't read the posts for the other years, I highly suggest you do before reading this one:

Fall 2019 (X)

2020 Part 1 (X)

2020 Part 2 (X)

2021 Part 1 (X)

2021 Part 2 (X)

As always, I'll include link to more informations on certain piece of Kaylor Lore as we go, so some Koincidences are easier to understand. When there's a (X) beside something, it's to give you more context and help you understand better.

Here's the link to the incredible Masterposts that helped me do this one: (X) (X)Afficher davantage

Septembre 2021:

Septembre 17th:

Taylor posts a TikTok hinting at Red (Taylor's Version) and 1989 (Taylor's Version). (X)

She winks with her left eye (Eye Theory) (X)

There's a Glitch in the video.

Glitch easter egg? (X)

People said in the comment that it made them think of the Bad Blood MV...Karlie is in the MV.

At the start of the video. Taylor is painting her nails Red.

A couple of days later in another TikTok we see that she also painted her toe nails red. (X)

Interesting because Karlie posted a video in her Story on Septembre 10th with Red fingers and toes nails. The. Exact. Same. Red.

And it's not over.

Because in that video Taylor wears about the same outfit as when she recorded King Of My Heart...on Karlie's birthday.

Also.

On that day. Taylor releases Wildest Dreams (Taylor's Version).

First song out of 1989 (Taylor's Version) and this song is about Karlie...

And if you zoom in on the shirt. You see that there is double Ks embroided on it.

October 2021:

October 5th:

Eye Theory in Karlie's Instagram's Story:

October 26th:

Taylor posts her fall TikTok. (X)

She wears her famous "Le Duo" necklace with "The artist and The muse" (X)

October 29th:

Eye Theory in Karlie's Instgram's Story. (Still inchteresting red fingernails)

October 31st:

Halloween.

Taylor goes out in the West Village with Blake's children. Dressed up as a Squirrel.

Karlie goes with Levi. Dressed up as Batman.

This is rather interesting...

This was a fanmade cover posted in 2011 (X)

Not their first time cosplaying DC characters...

And it's even more interesting because in her 2019 Musicians On Musicians Interview with Rolling Stone (that we talked about in the 2019 thread). (X)

Taylor talks EXACTLY about that with Paul McCartney.

How he could go spend Halloween with his kids wearing masks...

Here:

Swift: But I think that in knowing him and being in the relationship I am in now, I have definitely made decisions that have made my life feel more like a real life and less like just a storyline to be commented on in tabloids. Whether that’s deciding where to live, who to hang out with, when to not take a picture — the idea of privacy feels so strange to try to explain, but it’s really just trying to find bits of normalcy. That’s what that song “Peace” is talking about. Like, would it be enough if I could never fully achieve the normalcy that we both crave? Stella always tells me that she had as normal a childhood as she could ever hope for under the circumstances.

McCartney: Yeah, it was very important to us to try and keep their feet on the ground amongst the craziness.

Swift: She went to a regular school .…

McCartney: Yeah, she did.

Swift: And you would go trick-or-treating with them, wearing masks.

McCartney: All of them did, yeah. It was important, but it worked pretty well, because when they kind of reached adulthood, they would meet other kids who might have gone to private schools, who were a little less grounded.

November 2021:

November 15th:

I Bet You Think About Me MV.

Sooooo much about that MV.

Taylor's dress being about the same as Karlie's Met Gala one.

Josh's lookalike AND Mickey's.

Taylor "spills" champagne when there's a close up on Mickey's lookalike.

Josh, Mickey and Karlie

Mickey, Karlie and Josh's lookalike

Taylor spills wine while doing a close shot on Mickey's lookalike.

Taylor gives her red Scarf to Karlie's lookalike. And the girl is really pleased by this.

And so much more to say...

Novembre 23rd:

Taylor releases a TikTok of Champagne's Problem (X)

The hand that appears of the person filming is not Blake's hand.

Let's compare Blake's hand with the hand on the video:

Source: purplepinksky on Twitter (X)

And now let's compare Karlie's

Source: purplepinksky on Twitter

December 2021:

December 13th:

Taylor celebrates her birthday and wears the Victoria Secret Angel Ring (X).

Source: 9w1ft

There you have it!

All the Koincidences I could find for 2021.

There was a lot.....

Let me know if some are missing! I'll add them.

#kaylor #lsk #gaylor twitter #koincidences #gaylors #gaylor swift #gaylor theory #gaylor #gaylor of twitter #lgbetty

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roserr06 · 1 day

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The "Book of Life" Legacy Challenge

I created this challenge myself & I am currently test playing generation 1 on my twitch channel; follow me at rrrose06. I will post the other generations once I finish writing the narratives.

Must play in normal lifespan mode.

For each generation, complete the designated career, skills, and aspirations.

Have a family graveyard; you can either build your own or place one from the gallery to host all your sims tombstones.

You can use the colors assigned to each generation for your sims hair, clothing, furniture, etc.

Randomize children and career branches for generations that do not have specifications.

Generation 1: Blue, Black, & White

Since childhood, you have been fascinated with books and really enjoyed reading and writing. You strived to become a best-selling author and to also build your very own private library. But after a near-death experience as a teenager, you became fearful of death and developed paranoia going into adulthood. Upon doing some research, you learn about “The Book of Life'', which is a book that can be used to resurrect the dead. You are then determined to write that book, hopeful that a future generation would use it to resurrect you.

Traits: Bookworm, Loner, Paranoid

Aspiration: Best Selling Author

Career: Writer (Author)

World: Windenburg

Rules:

Master writer career (Author branch) & Best Selling Author aspiration.

Reach level 10 Writing & level 5 logic skills.

Obtain the "Fear of death" trait.

Unlock the “door of perception” in order to create a secret doorway into your own private library.

Have only one child, do not include the other parent in this generation; the relationship between the both of you will also be scarce due to your paranoia.

Write & publish a Biography about yourself .

Write the “Book of Life”, and read it so it will bind to you; then pass it down to the next heir.

Generation Two: Black, Brown, & Blue

Growing up, you were neglected by your own paranoid mother as she spent hours a day in her private library alone; you never met your dad, nor even knew his name or what he looks like. Throughout your childhood, you pretty much had to take care of yourself. In need of money, you turned to the life of crime stealing anything worth valuable to sell. In adulthood, your mother passes away and since she didn’t have a penny to her name, the only thing that was left was the “Book of Life”.

Traits: Mean, Noncommittal, & Kleptomaniac

Aspiration: Public Enemy

Career: Criminal

World: Oasis Springs

Rules:

Master Criminal career (either branch) & Public Enemy aspiration.

Reach level 10 Mischief & level 6 Handiness (Boss branch) or level 8 Programming (Oracle branch) skills.

Move out as a young adult into a rundown home; sell stolen items to make extra money to improve your home throughout your sim’s life.

Never stay committed to a relationship & never marry; you can get engaged, but will eventually need to break it off.

Have 3 children with different men/women.

#sims 4 #sims 4 legacy #sims 4 gameplay

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cosyrosemary · 1 year

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The drawing is mine, and I’ll explain why I’m sharing it under another name instead of my actual usernames I’m known for.

I’ve known for about 9 years now that I’m demisexual.

I discovered it by accident. Not even joking… I was actually looking up information on asexuality, because some of my friends were half joking about another friend being asexual (due to the lack of partners, I guess 🤷🏻‍♀️) and I didn’t think he was asexual. I don’t know why, but I just didn’t believe he was. So I got curious and looked it up. I barely knew anything at all. But I did not expect to find my own sexuality in the process.

Growing up I never understood what people meant when they were talking about “that hot guy” or whatever. Sure I could see someone was aesthetically pleasing to look at. But that didn’t make me want to hook up with them. I didn’t understand attraction. Not as a child, not as a teen and even in my (young) adulthood it was a weird concept to me.

I know that because I appeared “straight” to the outside world, that I didn’t suffer like many of my fellow queer people. But I guess you could say I was hiding it. And to be fair, to an extent, I still am.

I’ve been in long relationship (mid teens to early twenties) before, with someone to whom I was not sexually attracted in the slightest. I also did not have a deep connection to them, despite being in a relationship and living together. Whenever we were intimate, it was because he made me. I did not enjoy it, I never really have. I had no desire in that sense. I hated being intimate. And I thought this was normal for women!

It wasn’t until my husband that I realised I could in fact be attracted (both sexually and mentally) to someone after all. I always thought something was wrong with me. Since -despite various partners- I never found anyone particularly hot (and besides my husband, I still don’t). I did not understand what that felt like. And people who knew made fun of me or they didn’t believe me. Especially during my childhood and teenage years. It made me feel like a weirdo.

I’m now a married woman in my late thirties. I have a husband and we have kids. My husband knows I’m demisexual. It doesn’t change a thing for him.

But reading about demisexuality really helped me find some missing pieces of the puzzle.

For the past 17 years I’ve been in a monogamous relationship to my now husband. So I doubt I’ll ever get to figure it out for real, and I don’t have the desire to either because I don’t feel I’m missing anything (thought I can’t deny I’m curious what it would be like with someone from the same gender!). And I have never said it out loud… But I think I’m a panromantic demisexual. How I know? Just something I feel I guess. I always assumed I was straight because I was supposed to be according to the media and those around me.

And yet, I feel like a fraud for even saying I’m demi or grey ace.

When I just discovered my own sexuality, my gay friends did not understand and were upset!? I never felt the need to say I’m also part of lgbtqia+ or queer or that I was deserving to take part in pride. But why the hell wouldn’t I be? I have been oppressed too, albeit less than someone who is actually out.

I don’t feel comfortable yet coming out and I don’t know if I ever will.

But I have been dropping hints -jokingly- that I’m the A+ at the very end of LGBTQIA+

It’s a start.

🏳️‍🌈

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kabuki-draws · 1 year

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{Aleeya Rael}

Yeah, I had this urge to create an own SW character after I rewatched Andor and I came up with this design.

What if: Luthen Rael once had a wife, that tragically died in a catastrophe caused by the Empire and this woman named Ayda had a daughter with him. She gave birth to Aleeya just minutes before she passed and made the child a newborn out of tragedy. Luthen never recovered from the loss of his beloved Ayda, another powerful fuel in his already burning fire of rebellion, that he made his own child a weapon to use in this fight for life and death. And just as he moved other people like chess figures in his rebellious shadow game, he also used Aleeya. Since her early childhood he started to train her as an assassin and spy, while he also teached her to play a mask to hide her true identity, taking away everything from her that would´ve been a normal life. Even before she changed to adulthood, the young girl already took over small missions of information gathering and even assassinations. There's nothing she knows beside the rebellion, a fight she fought since the day she was born.

Being a rebel is everything for her and she would give up her life at any time for it.

Some facts:

Her preferred weapon is a IQA-11 Blaster Rifle with modified scope.

The relationship to her father is very tainted by the fact that he trained her like a soldier and rarely showed any signs of fatherly love to Aleeya (due to the fact that she always reminds him of his dead wife, he has to tackle his own traumas). So she often acts more like a subordinate in front of a commander when she is around Luthen.

Just like her father she has a Coruscant mask and works in the antique store of her father as a restorer.

At the beginning of Andor S1 she is around 24 years old.

Even though she truly believes that the rebellion is right, her main goal to perform missions as successful as she can, was always to make her father see her. All she ever wanted was to make him say "I am proud of you."

So that should be enough about her for now, feel free to ask me questions, if you want to know more :) But I also try to draw her more frequently together with more Andor fanart in the future

#andor #star wars #andor oc #sw oc #sw fanart #luthen rael #star wars oc #rebel oc

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intersex-support · 2 years

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hi! im sure you get sick of getting this but i need some help as im questioning intersex after many years and lots of research. specifically im question if i have swcah. ive had pots symptoms for as long as i can accurately recall and am close to constantly in some level of adrenal fatigue, im always craving salt and having electrolyte imbalances as well as feeling dehydrayed easily and having awful circulation.

physically, i had a lot of early growth spurts and was one of my tallest classmates, but now as an adult im barely average, about as tall as my dad who is kind of short for his circumstances. ive been growing facial hair since middle school, and now that i identify as some? flavor of trans masc? almost everyone ive met in recent years asks me how long ive been on T, based on my voice and amount of face and body hair. ive never in my life had access to T, i havent started it, and people are genuinely shocked by it.

[possibly tmi trying to be medical]

i also absolutely have clitoromegaly, thats another reason partners as well have asked before if i have been on T, as well even growing up and before i had any concept of what intersex conditions were, i knew there was something off there and i would awkwardly (like a very small child) tell people i *actually* had, um, "both" when i was gendered as a kid, until i got told by my parents to stop because i was wrong.

final thing probably: i had to get a full physical at 11, including genital physical, and there was a point that my mother was pulled aside and whispered something that she never told me no matter how much i asked. ive been growing increasingly worried lately that it was related to an intersex condition in someway, even if not using those terms, but since im no contact i cant ask now. sorry, i know that one is anecdotal, so feel free to ignore it.

i just want to know why i am the way i am

hi! again! i forgot to mention that i started puberty around 10-11 and ive never had a very normal cycle, sometimes it would be almost normal for a few months then i would go months without anything again, and eventually a really short but really intense, painful, heavy cycle after so long of nothing, its always been like this for me. 2/2

Hey anon!

So, I've done some research to answer this question but I am not an expert on salt wasting CAH and def would reccomend checking things with a doctor if possible. It defintely sounds like you have a lot of symptoms of CAH. Having clitoromegaly, growth spurts but now mostly average, having body hair, the irregular periods--all of those things really stand out to me as symptoms of CAH, and also especially the doctor keeping something secret from you, cause that happens to so many intersex kids.

What I'm less certain about is if you could have gone this far into life without being diagnosed with salt wasting CAH. I know that newborn screening for salt wasting CAH started in the 1980s, but I entirely believe it's possible that it could have been missed, or wherever you were born didn't screen you, or something like that. My understanding, however, is that salt wasting CAH is life threatening if not treated and I'm wondering if it is possible that you could have gotten into adulthood without ever going into adrenal crisis. From everything I've read, it seems like salt wasting CAH is usually diagnosed in childhood because people with salt wasting CAH will go into adrenal crisis without treatment. Honestly, the only way I really think that you could have salt wasting CAH is if you had gone into a salt wasting crisis while you were a newborn but it was treated, and it was hidden from you. It sounds like there's a complicated relationship with your mother and already a pattern of hiding some medical info from you, so I suppose it could be possible that it happened but the info is not in your medical records. Have you ever been on hydrocortisone, prednisone, or dexamethasone long term, as well fludrocortisone? I'd say only if you have been on those medicines long term and had salt wasting crises, that you could possible have salt wasting CAH.

However, what I think is more likely is that you have a variation of CAH that is not salt wasing and also not NCAH. My first guess would be that you have simple virilizing CAH, which is still considered "classical CAH" but is without salt wasting crises. With SV CAH, people usually have a less severe aldosterone deficiency. This means that you might still have symptoms like hyponatremia (low sodium), hyperkalemia (high potassium), hypoglycemia, dehydration, and could also maybe even cause your poor circulation. Usually, this doesn't progress to the point of salt wasting crisis and is more mild than swCAH, but is generally more severe than NCAH. Besides sv classical CAH, there are also rare forms of CAH caused by defienciencies in other enzymes, which have a wide variety in presentations of symptoms.

Another thing that I just learned about is CAH X, which is a variation of CAH that's comorbid with EDS. If you also have Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, it might be worth looking into. With CAH X, there's a specific genetic cause that causes EDS, CAH, and most people are also comorbid with POTS.

Also, there is a chance that you could just have more severe symptoms of NCAH. I just read a study that says 1/3 of people with NCAH have a cortisol insufficency. Cortisol insufficency can also cause weakness, fatigue, dizziness, electrolyte imbalance, low sodium--so there may be a chance that you have NCAH and a more severe cortisol insufficency. Anecdotally, a lot of people with NCAH have POTS comorbid (I do as well!) and there really hasn't been a lot of research on NCAH and POTS. It looks like there might be more of a connection between NCAH and adrenal insufficency then previously thought, but there isn't a lot of research done on NCAH. I read another study talking about how a lot of research papers do not specify whether they include NCAH in their numbers of people with CAH.

Basically, I think that it is unlikely that you've made it to adulthood without getting diagnosed with salt wasting CAH, because salt wasting CAH is basically life threatening if untreated. It is more likely that you have classical simple virilization CAH, a rarer subtype of CAH, or NCAH with severe symptoms.

Please feel free to ask if you have any other questions, and good luck!

-Mod E

#asks #actuallyintersex #cah #ncah #cah x #also: if you haven't ruled out Addison's disease you def want to look at that #bc that's the other main adrenal insuffiency thing #addison's isn't intersex tho #but still adrenal

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bi-curious--george · 9 months

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An Open Letter To Taylor Swift

I feel silly even writing this. That being said.. what's it going to hurt? I know you have a tendancy to read things and lurking in places nobody would expect. And personally, I don't think you'll ever actually read this, but I have always wanted to tell you what a fan I am, and I figure after this many years, it may be time. I talked myself out of writing this, thinking nobody's going to read it, and that may be true, but, one time when i was drunk, I wrote president obama about how unjust the system was and rambled about domestic violence and he wrote me back a very personal letter and if that can happen because of my words, why not try to see if you read this and I can ramble about what an impact you made in my life. And what a hypocrite i would be if i would sit every day telling people how important their stories are, but think that mine isnt important. I don't need a response, and don't believe I will ever get one.. But it would mean the world to me if you knew how much you saved me as a kid. To give you some context, I am a therapist now, but I have been a fan of yours since before your first album ever came out. And I really believe that your album was a huge reason I got through my shitty childhood to be here today. I would love to tell you a funny little glimpse of how I'm stumbled upon you.

So i grew up just dirt poor. And i had a really, really traumatic childhood (and adulthood, but thats a different letter, to, Obama apparently) and i remember so vividly how i became a fan of yours. So. I was trying to take a bath. And i loved baths - this was my escape from my awful childhood right? and i used to play the radio while i did and I'd crank the music. And we lived in the middle of nowhere with no actual television reception so my parents had to pay for satellite TV. So i did have that going for me. So i turn on the satellite radio on my parents tv all the way up, go draw my bath down the hall, and i get in the tub and get in, and i heard your music for the first time. I wish I could remember the first song, but i dont (I am betting Tim McGraw, but i dont recall precisely). What i do remember is me running down the hall in a towel, basically tripping over myself soaking wet, literally dripping, yelling " DON'T CHANGE IT I NEED TO FIND OUT WHO IT IS". And you or maybe the dj? announced your first album coming out, and i instantly knew what i was going to ask for for Christmas.

I didnt think i was going to get it. I actually rarely got what i wanted for gifts, They normally shopped at the dollar store. Around Christmas time, i showed them your CD and begged and begged for it. I still didn't think id get it. I have vague memories of showing them the CD of yours in a Kmart and very dramatically saying " this one! " So They couldn't claim they didn't know which one it was when Christmas time rolled around.

The suspense is killing you, im sure. So I'll get to it, but, I did get your cd for Christmas. And then from that point on, every time I got screamed at, every time I was hurt, or I didn't feel heard, i could at least escape. It was a peace offering of sorts in my mind, i think. My favorite song was probably "Tied Together With A Smile".

Life got a little hard after that, I'd become a single mom at 19 and my relationships were, well, complicated, and your music just became more and more relatable. And I just was able to pour myself more and more into your music. I've always just been so thankful for your music to be there. I found a partner and I love him, and somehow your music is still relatable.

I've appreciated that your music has been there the whole time. The staying power it had in my life, from teens to 30s, I think is what made it so impactful. Your music was the soundtrack of my life while ive been learning how to reclaim my life as my own - and seemingly watching you do the same.

I always wished I could have seen you in concert. But money got tight, then stayed tight. I settled for what i could- scream singing in the car and shower.

I went to grad school, had some more kids, and I became a therapist and my parents disowned me which was a wild ride. I tried so hard to get tickets to see you this time, I didn't think I would care that much, I even anticipated it not going in my favor as I was grown now and i can handle not getting to go to a concert if they ran out of tickets.

I will admit, this Ticketmaster fiasco felt so unfair. I had worked for so long and so hard to get to a place where i could finally see you in person. I had been a fan since before your first album. Life had screwed me over so many times in so many ways, but it felt like i made it through it - and now i could support myself and spend my own money and be a part of this eras tour - see all the eras i couldn't see when i was hiding from the abusive relationships or couldn't afford the albums and had to repeat them on YouTube to memorize them. I was crushed after 8+ hours of waiting to still not get tickets.

I'm betting not hearing you in person probably hurt more at the time because I found you when I lived with my parents and since I had been disowned semi recently by my parents and you had been such an integral part in my healing it became this awful metaphor for me not being able to move forward. "I'm 32, I went to grad school, i still can't buy a house for my family, my car is going to die and I can't replace it (at the time), I'm stuck at a job that doesn't appreciate me, I can't even see the one concert I wanted, where did I fuck up so bad?" and like it was an awful loop of me messing up somewhere along the line.. and I cried probably every day from the day of Ticketmaster failure until the second day of Minneapolis, and even sometimes now even thinking about losing the chance. Ticketmaster had other ideas for me i guess. And that's not on you, that's just a me thing. And that's for my new therapist to unpack, 😂

I still try to watch the lives on tiktok so I can try to be a part of What is likely our generations Woodstock. You are doing amazing things, and I hope that you and your family and friends are endlessly proud of you.

Regardless, thank you for being a part of my journey, I'm so glad you were there. And if you ever tour again, which I hope you do, I'll see you there.

I wrote this whole thing out on 8/1, I was going to print it out and mail it as I had heard that's the best avenue.. then I never got around to it as I felt silly. It's now 8/3, the day that more dates were announced (I knew it! I knew Canada would get some dates!) Unfortunately Minnesota did not get more dates but I'm going to register for Indianapolis on 11/2- it's worth a shot. 🤞. I slept on it, and said to myself, Let's put it on Tumblr and let the universe decide if you should see it.

#taylor swift #taylornation #taylurking #the eras tour #speak now taylor’s version #personal #folklore #swifties #ts eras tour #speak now #long live #journal

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itsokbbygrl · 2 years

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Hi your tag on the article I shared earlier is me, bisexual half in half out cisgendered woman! Sorry it made me smile because I am always so insecure these days and I rarely meet people like me. In my teens early 20s I was with males and females and I used to run around saying gender isn’t important I love everyone blah blah. I was so fucking confident. I am almost 38 now shudder!!!

Then I fell in love with my best friend when I was 21 who identified as a man and the rest is history been with him ever since. We have kids. We even eloped a few years ago! I am as an older adult assumed straight. I never write that on forms but no one ever asks so I rarely say say I am bisexual. If asked it sounds like I just experimented in my teens but I know I am attracted to people for all kinds of reasons and that’s cool.

I am so sorry I have just put all this on you it’s clearly been ready to go for a while. No need to reply.

thanks for listening!

Hiiiii. This is so cute. I’m 31. I had my first sexual fumblings with one of my (female) childhood friends. I didn’t really think anything of it, didn’t even consider it anything sexual until WAY into adulthood and l went “oh, yeah ok that was a Thing and not just besties at a normal average everyday sleepover,” lol. I don’t particularly like dating anyone, but frequently fall head over heels for people and just don’t do anything about it. Recently it’s mostly been men, but I’m always steadfast in reminding myself it doesn’t negate my attraction to women.

Half in half out is the best way I can describe it! I’m out to almost anyone I met after I turned 25. I’m not super duper loud about it on any particular platform, so it really goes under the radar. I’m “in” to people who gave me bad reactions when I very softly tested the waters with them about bisexuality in general and that’s fine with me. Nothing about our relationship has to change until it does and right now it doesn’t so meh, doesn’t bother me.

I love that you shared ❤️ hopefully this finds more of us queer folk who sometimes feel a little wonky about our very valid place in the community!

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anxietyjedi · 2 years

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The Damage That Has Been Done

One would think that it would not take as long as it has to come to terms with what happened. For a long time I always figured that the behavior of my relatives that I do not associate with was something normal. I wrote it off as "that's just how they are" and thought nothing else of it. Since I turned 18 and left, I've maybe seen them three maybe four times and a lot of that is because I decided way back when I was 17 that I would have little to do with people like that. The thing is, as I thought about it more and more over the last few weeks the more I realized just how much my life was shaped around it. I see people going out, living life, having normal relationships (be they platonic or intimate), and doing things that I wouldn't do. I actually sat here one night while working on writing and thought about how I've lived my life and that's when it dawned on me; I structured my life around avoidance of conflict unless I absolutely had no choice but to engage, I've never really taken the time to address the wants and in some cases needs when I've been in a relationship, and often times I've neglected the things that I've wanted to do when people ask what I want to do. Is that normal? I have a pretty good suspicion that it is anything but normal.

Avoiding Conflict~ When I would get into a debate or an argument, I would often try to find the middle ground as soon as possible. It didn't matter if it was something that I as a person strongly disagreed with, I would compromise myself to avoid a conflict. A lot of that is rooted in the fact that whenever I had some kind of conflict with these people, my relatives, I lost. I lost because I was outnumbered, I lost because they were the adult and I was the child, I lost because it didn't matter what logic I used because I was wrong. Even if I was right, I was wrong because I didn't line up with the alleged status quo.

Wants and Needs Not Being Addressed~ This one? Hoo boy...I learned very quickly at a fairly young age that if I wanted something I was being selfish. When I was younger I would ask about something that I wanted, and with my parents it was usually a yes or no kind of thing (as we all deal with, or at least I would like to think that is the norm). However when it came to my relatives...hmm, let's be honest here, my abusers, how they reacted made me feel as though I truly was being selfish. Instead of a no, it was a full on negative response, usually supplemented with comments that made me feel as though I was asking for too much. It became so ingrained in me, that I eventually just stopped addressing the subject of what I wanted because the idea of being selfish set in. I would think "I would like that, but I guess I am selfish for wanting it" and it stuck with me. It started in childhood, continued into adolescence, and it has unfortunately lasted into adulthood. It wasn't until recently while discussing the topic of wants and needs with a very good friend and confidant that I started to realize just how muted about my own wants and needs I have really been. It was hard to answer their question because I've spent so long just not focusing on my own wants and needs. How hard? I found myself on the verge of frustration as they asked because I was not sure how to answer. It was not a matter of how they asked, or the words they used. It was difficult because for so long, I had not thought of myself because that meant I was being selfish.

Neglecting What I Want to Do~ Have you ever had an experience where you want to do something, you get others involved, you all go and do it and it turns out that it wasn't such a good idea? Not a great feeling. Now imagine if that was a regular thing that happened to you. Everything that you wanted to do ended up not being so great. OR you enjoyed it, you enjoyed every bit of it, BUT the people who are with you have a sort of "ho-hum" reaction to it. Then throw in some commentary about how bad it really was, and suddenly you start to feel as though maybe your ideas are stupid. Maybe the things that you like are actually dumb. That happened quite often. Remember my post about the "Happiest Place on Earth", well, every so often they would have a new attraction or even a new area. I remember getting excited about the addition of the now defunct Toon Town and when we got there I had a blast. It was fun to step into the world of the homes of the various characters, as well as the few things that you could do there (it was brand new, so they were just getting it started). Their reaction? "Hmm, it's cute but not great". Talk about beating the piss out of the excitement of a kid. Yeah, I know. It was all something thrown together and fake even then, but for a little bit it is fun to throw in the suspension of disbelief and just imagine yourself somewhere that isn't here. Going to see movies? As I got to the age to appreciate summer blockbusters and action films I was always overridden and outvoted. Or of course they got to see something the weekend it came out, and of course I was out of luck because they had already seen it so that obviously was not going to happen. Oh, and the things that I would write? Yeah, they weren't interested in the subject (not the plot or characters, but the activity of writing) so automatically that was stupid in their collective books (no pun intended). I've long wanted to tell stories, even when I was younger and for some reason because they didn't like the idea of creating a world with a fantastic story behind it that meant it was a waste.

The last few weeks have been very revealing as far as life. I've found myself walking the entire emotional spectrum; I've felt sadness and I've felt joy. I've felt serenity and I have to shamefully admit that I've felt rage. Sadness at all the things that I've missed out on, joy in coming to terms that I have the right to not associate with the people who made me feel the way they did, serenity in the fact that I now have control over my life and what direction it takes, and rage because of all the damage that has been done. It would be one thing if I deserved it but no one, be they child or adult, should ever have to endure the "wolf pack" mentality of a group of abusers or be made to feel that they are selfish in regards to their wants and needs. If you came across this and somehow in someway you understand because you've faced this, you have my sympathies. More than that, you have my respect. Doubly so if you came out the other end of it in some kind of normally functioning manner. If that is true for you, I am sorry that you know or knew what that was like, but I am proud of you for getting through it.

#personal #searching for myself #One day I will be myself at last

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lazycheesecakeee · 3 years

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Feelings, or lack thereof

Feelings, desires, addiction, adulation. With Hyunjae anything was possible but maybe it actually wasn’t. He was smart, bold, assertive, attentive and admirable. And you got to experience it all. The inner turmoil included.

Pairing: Lee Hyunjae x reader, a bit, like hints of Sunwoo too

Genre: kinda fwb type of arrangement... kinda more, SMUT, angst, university au, kinda fluffy

Warnings: SMUT, curse words, kinda questionable writing but ya know I tried, also waay too long Idk what got into me :))))

Word count: 29.4K

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Oh feelings. What a trap. What a way to separate what you would like to be from who you are.

You've hated your deep feelings since seemingly forever. Why should I be the one that is sensitive? Why can't I be strong and careless??!

Those would be questions running through your mind every so often. But now, at 2 in the morning, when you are exiting his apartment for the 2nd time this week after another hook up, and it's raining, it's almost like you want to hate yourself even more. But only a quiet laugh of self-pity comes out, stopping you from bawling your eyes out.

'It would mingle with the rain', you thought.

Ah Hyunjae. You casually met. You became friends. Or like... close acquaintances. Good acquaintances. He was just so good with people. But most importantly, good to you. You didn’t have to think twice before wanting to be around him. However, being around him and fucking him weekly were 2 very different sides, and you felt them both plenty, especially the latter.

You know you did it to yourself. You had these periods of being in a slump, depressed and anxious and he came at the "right" time to soothe all your pains. Maybe that's why you feel attached, despite knowing you skipped a lot of steps rendered normal for any relationship, to get where you are, in each other's beds.

You even promised yourself you wouldn't get involved since you knew from the very start it would be inevitable with you. The feelings. The self-pity. And still.

He was so enticing. Maybe it was the safety his hugs provided. Maybe it was the fact that he was nice to you when other people seemed to be done with you. Or maybe it was that he noticed you when you were normally kept on being invisible. Oh Hyunjae. Always the one to be sweet to you.

Or maybe it was all in your head, and how you chose to perceive his actions towards you. He might have been like that for everyone. He was an extrovert after all. He has friends. He could speak for himself. He could go around. Imposing. Talented. Pretty. Sweet. So many adjectives in which not only you but anyone who knew him could describe him. Yet to you he was admirable.

So, it was natural you gave in. From the first time you kissed in a haze, to that damned time it escalated, and he took such good care of you, all the way through. From kissing you, to the way he was so adamant about exploring your body, to the way he knew how to push your buttons, and the way he was holding you... of course you would get on your knees for him. And not only when he asked you.

And now, a mere 2 months later, you were seemingly blindly gone with the feelings, carried away, and you knew, he was probably just enjoying the sex.

At first hangouts were just a relaxing time to vent with friends. But now, it mostly wasn't the case anymore. Your hangouts were now mostly turned hook-ups. And how could they not? It made sense in a way. Yet on second thoughts you might have liked it better before.

The hopeful part of you. You'll always be damned. It always seemed to screw you over. Always hitting you with the "what if's"... 'What if he feels something too', 'what if I am not stupid'. 'He gets me'. 'What if this could grow into something'.

But you knew that part it's usually just hopefulness, foolish optimism inherited from your childhood, when your favourite hobby was also to explore possibilities and imagine things that wouldn't happen. Yet the hobby didn't leave in adulthood.

But back then it was easy, you think. You were protected by the naivety of being young, and by your parents. Mistakes couldn't be so catastrophic. And you would be forgiven anyway. Your feelings could get that hurt, you would be protected. Not that hardly judged. You were a child after all. You could afford to be foolish. Your happiness that came from those scenarios couldn't really hurt you. But oh it can hurt you now.

You arrive pretty soon at your apartment and choose to go straight to sleep. 'Change, take the make-up off and hopefully the amount of stress caused by college work and some early morning classes will take the mind off of the extracurricular activities with him' you plan.

'Damn Lee Hyunjae and his amazing smile', you thought as you turned off the side lamp and set your alarm.

You like the mornings. Always have, always will. Something most people hate. Ok, maybe you don't like all of them, especially since you've been stressed lately, but the feeling of the fresh air after waking up and the start of a new day along with some strong coffee and maybe a pastry could definitely make you feel nice.

Plus, classes this morning were not bad. And you would meet your best friend, Lia. And you would be off by lunch. And you don’t hate your part time job that much. And...

'See? All the good opportunities to have your mind off of your thoughts' you said to yourself. Reasoning with yourself was an usual habit to you.

Yet you don't realize in the process of thought who has snicked up behind you. Sunwoo. He hugs you from behind a little too tight. He likes to startle you.

"Can you fucking stop doing that all the fucking time?" You half yell and elbow him.

'Damn him too' you thought. Mischievous little shit. Of course, you were SO fond of him and your friendship. You were kinda made to bicker and be loud and pointlessly flirt and steal each other's stuff and get on each other's nerves. Others knew. Your teachers were frowning when you sat together. But it was the way it was. And you liked it. Simple. Easy. Or was that even it?

'He is smart', you thought many times, 'the kind of smart I wish I was'. But of course, you would never say that to him.

He is the one who introduced you to Hyunjae in the first place. Damn Kim Sunwoo and his many good-looking friends. Damn Lee Hyunjae. Damn yourself. You had it bad.

"Auch you are gonna bruise me one day. Why are you so in thought this morning anyway?" He said as he pulled on your backpack to hold you back.

"A girl must think dumbass...plus it's 7 in the morning. How come you are speaking at this hour?" You mock him.

"For you I will always speak" he smirks.

You give him a signature unimpressed face and roll your eyes. "WHY? Just to remind me of how annoying you are?"

"Just to remind you of how much I am the light of your life" he said in a sarcastically cheerful tone. "Do you want coffee? I will even pay"

"Damn, since when are you so self-sacrificial?" you ask trying to seem impressed.

"Shut up. Do you want it or not?" He retorts.

"Oh, I will take anything good I can get from you" You say mocking his useless flirts.

"Bet" he smirks.

This was your relationship with him. Some people that knew the two of you wondered if you liked each other at all. Some wondered if you were together. Or maybe no one did. Maybe you both were invisible. You like to think so. Regardless, it was you and him. It made sense. And you loved the moments with him. Lately more than ever. They could take your mind off of anything. And you needed to distract yourself.

Your classes went by easily, as expected. You were oddly energetic. You finished your shift at your job. And you didn't see Hyunjae at all today, which you deem good. Although, as the day went by and you grew more tired, your thoughts were always seemingly going back to him and your 'relationship'.

It was odd that you were almost trying to avoid him a little lately, while at the same time wanting to see him to tell him about your day, how it was decent, but you were a bit tired. He always listened to these pointless stories. You were very conflicted.

As the day was coming to an end you decided to go get some dinner since you hated cooking. You called Lia, your trusty friend who also hated cooking and generally doing things.

You love that woman. You are so happy to have her by your side in college. The random-est talks and convos, her willingness for your random ideas, the relate-ability. Sharing with her, talking, confessing, being around each other, it all seemed natural seemingly since day 1 you guys talked. You were SO appreciative of this friendship.

It was fun, always fun to discuss random subjects with her while having cheap food and complaining about life. You decided to get pizza from the corner shop together.

What you didn't expect was the next subject.

"You know. I don't mean to interfere but" she said almost warily.

You two were not like that in normal convos.

"But what?" You said eyeing her with suspicion.

"You know I had the marketing class this morning with Hyunjae and.."

You were catching on. They knew each other briefly as you knew his friends too. Random acquaintances.

"And?" You continue trying to seem unfazed but were all of the sudden really preoccupied by the straw in your drink.

"And he asked if you were good. He said he didn't get a chance to talk to you last night and you left abruptly as you were probably busy."

You are a bit puzzled. Were you that weird last night? Enough for him to ask that. You didn't know whether to be glad he thinks of you or just run for your life.

She sighs. "Look I don't know the exact nature of your endeavours, even as your closest friend and I don't mean to get in there bu-"

"It's nothing. We just happened to see each other. And I had early class, so I left maybe abruptly last evening but it's nothing." You say as you realize how fast your heart started to beat.

"Sure, it's nothing" she said with a roll of her eyes, in a monotone voice. "Girl you sus af... But look. You don't have to explain anything you don't want. You've always had a soft spot for him. I could see it. You guys hung out a lot. And you have been oddly busy lately. You are stressed and irritated. I am just saying if there is something, anything you wanna talk about, you know we can always get good conversations and make inside jokes out of our suffering, right?"

"Yes mom, thank you" you say with a roll of your eyes. But you were really appreciative.

This is why you were such close friends. She didn't know even close the extent of the so called "endeavours" as she chose to put it. But she could sense your feelings, read you well.

You almost saw her everyday anyways as you had 4 actual friends in total and she was in the same college as you, although different classes.

"Yeah I know. Thanks for always sticking with my dumbass" you sat with a smile.

"Pretty sure we can't get rid of each other now" she laughed and didn't go further with the discussion.

After a bit you said your good-byes, you drove to your apartment, not before giving her a lift to her dorms.

However, much to your dismay you were now starting to think again. About him. About you.

About everything that seemed to stress you. Maybe you did "need a chill pill" as Sunwoo always says. 'Pft, like he doesn't need it more than me anyway', you said as your little soliloquy.

The next time you saw Hyunjae was in one of your two shared classes. You used to bond over how much you hate this one. It is hard and the teacher does not explain things well. And there are so many assignments and projects to present.

Your anxiety manages to get the best of you. Now not only were you anxious because you didn't get much sleep trying to finish your presentation, you were also pumped with expresso shots and he was also there in your face. You chose to sit alone first rows which you never did, because you wanted to go first and get rid of it. What surprised you is when he took the seat next to you. Of course. God you wish you weren't so anxious but the more you tried to sit still the more your hands seem to shake and your heartbeat to run and...

"Hey" he said softly while putting a hand on your knee, trying to steady your leg, which was bouncing harder than it needed to, gesture of trying to calm you down.

Your thoughts were going at 1000 per hour and if you weren't so anxious about public presentations, you would have thought about what a contrast that gesture is compared to the way he touches you lately.

"Hi" you said and you never realized that you actually needed to take a deep breath since the anxiety was strong.

"Breathe, ok? You've done this before. Last time you didn't seem that nervous" he said comforting.

"Yeah. I... I don't know I guess today is not my day, I am more anxious than usual. But I am good I promise." You try to convince yourself.

"Yes you are good. You always have it in you, despite circumstances. You just need to go, and it will be done before you know." He says softly.

'God you are so full of shit' You thought to yourself. You laugh. You never seem to do that well according to your standards. The voice cracks and the gasping for air makes you lack professionalism as some would say. But he always chooses to aim his words at soothing your unsurfaced feelings.

"I hope my voice doesn't break completely or I lose my English completely again" you say bitterly laughing.

"You still pulled through even then. You got it, no matter what. And you have me here first row for you. What more could you ask for?" He jokes to lighten the mood as he makes soothing patterns on your knee.

You roll your eyes at "what more could you want?". Hm. Funny he says that.

As the teacher gets in, you inhale deeply and prepare yourself. He grips your thigh once for reassurance and pushes you to the front.

The presentation goes fine. Not great. Just averagely right. Therefore, you are pleased. Grateful it's done.

When you get back, he grips your thigh again as he whispers "You did good" in your hair.

God this man can have your soul and you wouldn’t mind.

It's not like he whispers how good you are doing when he is pounding into you while holding you down with a bit too much force, you think to yourself again. Anyways. It's the way he does it so naturally too, that reminds you why you keep going back against your better judgement.

You think it could have been easier to quit him if you stopped at the right time. But you were greedy. You wanted to have everything he has to offer, apparently even at the expense of your own sanity.

Nothing soothed your nerves, stress, or moods like his touch. It's like he knew perfectly from day 1 what you wanted. What you craved. So no wonder you decided to skip lunch today before work just to go to his apartment. It was all so natural. Getting in the same car. Doing the same thing for the nth time. It was intoxicating. Like a sugar rush. How his kisses clouded your judgement. Late at night or 1 in the afternoon you wanted the high, seemingly more than anything.

He unlocked the door and pressed you against it. Kissing your lips. Kissing your neck. His knee going between your thighs. He likes to tease you endlessly.

"Can you just get on with it?" You said in a raspy breath, hands tugging at his hair while he is kissing deep down the cleavage of your shirt.

"Someone's impatient" he laughed, undoing your shirt fully and throwing it somewhere.

"I have shit to do" You roll your eyes at him and take off his shirt, kissing down his torso instead of properly replying.

It was like a routine. And to a certain extent you were so very fond of routine. But this was something else.

You rushed it sometimes. Maybe it was because you thought it would save you, the less time you spent around him. But you knew each time you gave into this that it was only taking your soul further into the pits of your personalized hell, no matter how heavenly his touches were.

His groans were heavenly. You liked that you had that power. God how you wish you could just let him have all the power over you and you can just throw yourself into him without hesitating.

You both land on the bed and he flipped you two over and he started undoing your jeans. "You seem deep in thought." he says while pressing his lips on top of the wet spot on your underwear, producing a whimper instead of a response.

This fucker knew what he was doing each time and before you processed anything, you felt his lips lick down your wet folds, underwear to the side. You moan and grip his hair while shutting your eyes.

"So, tell me. What are you thinking about?" He said while taking off your last piece of clothing, leaving you completely bare in front of him once again. He liked to start conversations that you couldn't finish.

"God. You must know everything, huh?" You say squirming and get up to grab his face to look at you. "Just please fuck me already".

"Anything if you ask nicely, like the good girl you are" he says and kisses your lips and down you exposed cleavage, closer and closer to your core. You love every second.

His fingers run through your wet folds and start circling your clit, as his mouth explores your chest further.

"Yes. Just like that" you say. As if he doesn’t know it perfectly already from all the times he's done it.

You sit up to undo his jeans and motion for him to discard them. And usually, he would take his time teasing you further but this time he just ditches them along with the underwear, his erection springing free, inviting you to take him like you have done so many times before.

You lick your lips and reach for the drawer, taking out a condom and fastly rolling it on. Surely you both liked to do it raw, since you were on birth control and you both seemed to be into the breeding kink a little too much, but for certain times when you were lazy or rushed to clean the mess so you had this arrangement.

You take him in your mouth a few times for better lubrication and hear him groan as he holds your hair. You use your hand to pump him further while kissing up his abs.

He gently grabs your throat and throws you back onto the sheets. Ah yes. The manhandling.

You spread your legs widely as he guides his hard-on to just rest on your folds, teasing the head over your clit. He liked to watch your body tighten, squirming under his touch. He always liked seeing you beg for more. And Lord knows you were always willing to beg for him.

You braced yourself for the first thrust. No matter how many times he did it already, how clouded your mind was, you always craved more.

He smoothed his hands over your thighs and slips into you effortlessly, your walls tightening around him. Your body always seemed to react the same. No matter the emotions plaguing your heart and the conflicted thoughts racing through your mind, your body just couldn’t wait to feel him pound into you again and again.

“Mm, fuck,” Hyunjae groaned when he bottomed out. He stood at the edge of the bed and hooked your knees in the bends of his arms, settling you right into a rhythm that rocked you in the mattress.

You closed your eyes and gripped the sheets, whimpering for him once again.

"Mmm. Faster please" you moan.

And he complies. He was satisfied and you could feel the smirk on his face at how much pleasure you got.

"You feel so good baby" he whispered in your ear.

You sighed. God he was killing you each time. He could ask for anything and you would give it to him.

There was always something with him. Something new, exciting, he could keep you there. Under him. Physically and metaphorically, rocking your life from the very core.

The little whimpers and exhales, and the resounding slap of burying himself between your legs sent a tingle down his spine, making his stomach tighten. You liked the view of his flexing abs more than you liked to admit.

He leaned his head back, eyes rolling closed. “Fuck,” he growled in a low snarl, gripping your legs a little harder and picking up the pace.

That growls made you crazy with lust for him. Reaching for him, you wanted your hands on his body, wanted his lips on your neck. He met your eyes and let you guide him without a word.

You popped your legs around his waist and smoothed your palms down his lower back.

He kept himself raised, putting his hands on your sides, pumping his length into you faster and shivering at the sudden feel of your nails digging in his back.

“Just like that, baby,” you say in a breathy voice, setting your fingertips into the skin of his hips. “You fuck me so good.”

He loved and hated when you talked like that. It made him insane; It took all he could do not to come into you then and there.

You gasped slightly in surprise when he crashed his lips on yours, silencing you with his tongue.

You made a noise against his mouth, his hips colliding heavily with yours. You were holding him tightly to you. Even as he throttled into your body hard and rough, his kisses were different. Or maybe you liked to think so.

'He really is the death of me' you thought.

You started moving your hips against him to match his strokes, feeling yourself getting closer. He sat up and met your eyes. "You gonna cum for me?"

You only nodded.

He moved his hips rapidly, fast. His hands gripped your waist as always, hard enough to bruise, holding you in place. You liked it

You squirmed close to the edge as you felt him twitch. The bed creaked loudly from his movements. You knew he wouldn’t last much longer and neither did you. Finally, you shudder with orgasm and when he felt your grip on his length he let loose too. You rolled on the bed, shaking with release and you gripped the comforter to bury your face and body in the sheets. He held you tight with no chance of escape, keeping himself bottomed inside you, milking the last of his high.

“Fucking good girl,” Hyunjae panted before pulling out. "You always take me so well"

"Yeah" you sigh breathlessly, not having the energy to come up with something sarcastic. You loved the praises anyway.

He held you a bit longer, spooning you from behind. He always did that. You knew how sweet he is when he isn't fucking your brains out. You would linger sometimes. It felt nice. But not lately, as it was too nice. And certainly not now, that you had work in 40 minutes.

You tried to get up to quickly wash and refresh for work.

"No." He said snatching you back in the sheets, gripping you tighter and not letting you leave the bed.

"Listen Lee Hyunjae, I have work in 40 minutes" you say grabbing and showing him your phone "And you know that too. I don't have time for your moods" you turn to glare at him with fake annoyance.

"Ugh, fineee" he says as he puts his hands in the air freeing you.

You have been here, at his apartment so many times now. You could easily get around.

You grabbed your clothes, your bag and got in the bathroom. Within 5 minutes you were out and dressed. He was also dressed, to your surprise. Normally he would laze around or pull something to get you ready for round 2.

You grabbed your make-up bag and quickly re-fresh your base and your lipstick to clean any proof of doing anything sinful at this hour. You could feel his gaze watching your reflection and you tried your best to ignore it as you knew it could so easily get to you.

"You look good" he said as he came behind you and placed his hands on your shoulders while you did a few final touches to your new lipstick.

"Yeah yeah" you sigh and put everything back in your bag, quickly scanning the room for anything you might have missed in order to avoid his gaze. He lets you be and disappears from your sight for a bit.

You were at the door putting your shoes on, about to get out when he re-appeared into the small hallway and handed you a small bottle of orange juice and a protein bar.

God you wish he would stop with those little gestures. They make it harder, so much fucking harder for you to be strong. To resist him. You wonder how he can always know so well to accommodate everyone and give them exactly what they want. No wonder he could put a spell on every human being around.

"I am good thank you" you try to refuse him. You were salty about your bottling up emotions and how you always gave in.

Of course, it doesn't work. When does it ever?

"I am not asking. You need energy. Especially after I drained you." He winks playfully. "Plus, you never eat breakfast anyways" he says in such a classic Hyunjae manner.

You hit him in the arm hoping he would get the hint to just let you live and leave. You try to turn but he grabs you by the backpack, opens the zipper and puts the things inside, closing it again.

"Good luck at work" he says with a satisfied triumphant smile.

"Yeah yeah" you say trying your best to leave before he can see just how wide that makes you smile. 'God I am a lost cause when it comes to him' you thought for the nth time these past 2 weeks, and you tried to run just to not think about the sweet gesture.

You promised yourself you wouldn't do mornings after. Yet here you were. Not even 2 weeks later. You woke up from your alarm. Something felt heavy. Hyunjae's arm was over you, holding you close. You turned your alarm off as soon as possible in order to get out and leave without waking him. You didn’t even realize in the frenzy and sudden induced anxiety that this was, in fact, your own apartment.

'He slept over? That is weird' you thought.

As you jolted awake and were trying to make more sense of the reality that you were home, you glance back at him. Sometimes he was a deep sleeper. Only sometimes.

"What time is it?" He asks nuzzling into the sheets. 'Does this not faze him at all?' You wonder. But sleepiness is bliss so you just:

"Shh it's fine, go back to sleep" you say trying to calm your rapid heartbeat and shuffle out of the sheets.

His grip on you only became tighter. He did this all the time lately. Hugging you closer in a dazed state and having a pouty voice telling you to not go. 'What a bad habit to have around me' you thought.

"I need to get ready" you say fighting your way out of the comfy sheets in the dazed state.

He rolls around to look at the watch on your nightstand. "But it's only 8 and we start at 9:30" he whines but you were already of his grasp, on the way to the bathroom. It had to be the day when you have first class together too.

'God' was all you could think to yourself, like asking for force from above to re-balance your life, while you run your hands through your hair, and splash cold water on your face.

You stay in the bathroom apparently more than his ass is willing to wait, as he softly knocks and gets in.

"I'm busy, you should go sleep more" you say almost coldly. But you kind of regret it in an instant when you see the pout on his face and wary look.

"Ok. I will wait for you to be done then"

You were feeling a bit bad but also going to him and offering gestures of affection in your own apartment at 8 in the morning after last night's endeavours was pushing relationship boundaries that were a bit too much, for you liked to keep some distance in the favour of your sanity.

You put on your chosen outfit for the day. You settle on the same ripped jeans but with fishnet tights underneath and a simple cute, oversized T-shirt, with your usual jewellery, topped by a leather jacket.

Before you return in his line of sight, you go to the kitchen to make coffee or now coffees for the both of you. 'It's only polite' you think.

As the sound of the coffee machine is running, you open the small window and your mind flies again.

'Damn I really am a creature of habit. Maybe that is why I am so used and addicted to him at this point'. Which was an interesting contrast, as this morning was far from your usual mornings, aside for the coffee.

Before you can think further, your coffees are done, and you take them to the bedroom.

You expected him to be dressed and sitting somewhere in a somewhat uncomfortable position. Weird him. But to your surprise he is still nuzzling in your sheets, seemingly unbothered by the idea of going to classes or that he woke up in another bed. 'He looks comfy. He looks small. He looks cute' were random fleeting thoughts. You hated how much you loved to see him like that. It's like your heart was growing in fondness for him.

"I made you a coffee" you say while settling it on the nightstand next to him. You try to not look at him because your feelings keep nagging you with 'God he's so cute like this cuddled in your sheets, you could have this' but also because it's a quite intimate gesture.

However, you cannot avoid the way that, after setting down your coffees, he reaches for you and snatches you back on the bed.

"Dude, stop, are you a child? We have school soon too." You try to scold him, so you don't have to think about him hugging you in his body.

But he doesn’t stop and only goes further rolling onto you, to crush you under his weight.

"Honestly HyunJae stop crushing me and get dressed, you lazy ass" you sigh breathless.

"Do we really have to go? I hate this class anyway" he says while further suffocating you.

You push him and try your best to turn and face him.

"Since when do you hate this class?" You roll your eyes. "Besides, the more attendance the better, you have nothing better to do anyways".

"Oh but I could do you better aNyWAyS" he half mocks you.

You laugh. "Was last night not enough for you? We are tired as it is already"

"Never tired of you" He mumbles in your hair.

'Fuck' you mumble to yourself in your thoughts.

"You are such a man child" you retaliate but your thoughts are a bit too fuzzy to properly communicate. "I'm going now mister" you say and push him hard enough to get him off of you again.

You suppose you liked the crushing embrace.

You get your make-up bag and mirror and turn on the light to see better at your desk. As you start on your quick routine you feel his eyes intently watching you from the side. It wasn't the first time either.

You turn to the side but only to angle the mirror to hide your reflexion from his sight subtly. 'He looks like he's never seen make-up before' you thought but never stop applying things to your face, expressionless.

He gets up and starts to get dressed, disappearing from your sight for a bit.

You see his reflection again a few minutes later as he enters the room.

"You always wear that lipstick" he says matter-of-factly as you reach for the lipstick in the little stand where you have your favourite ones on hand.

"Your point?" you say giving him a side eye and taking a sip of your coffee.

"You should try this one" he says while picking from the stand and handing you a dark burgundy.

"Jae, it's like almost summer. It's bright as shit outside. I am gonna look so emo" you turn back and snatch it to put it back.

He pouts. "You are so emo anyway. Please?"

'Damn him why must he get to my heart strings like that. Why can I not say no to him.'

"No" you smile at him sweetly and reach for your normal one.

He places a hand over his heart as if hurt.

"Stop being dramatic" you say rolling your eyes. But you still take his suggestion and put it on and then lighten it with your normal one.

You can see the satisfied smirk and give him a threatening side eye in the mirror.

"Go get fucking ready or you are walking to class" you half yell.

"Fine fine but I am ready" he raised his hands in defeat and goes to look for his stuff.

'Finally, I can have some peace' you thought as you finished the last touches to your make-up.

You are kinda salty about how pretty and effortless and nice he looks just like that, without much effort at all. Your eyes involuntarily glance at his body. 'Damn he really looks like that huh?'

You take one more sip of coffee and gather your things while taking mental note to ensure you have everything. It seems so. You look at the time and you still have a good 30 minutes.

Then your phone rings. Sunwoo. You remember you said you would meet early and walk with him and get coffee and give him some notes for his class. But of course, you almost completely forgot, if it wasn't for the phone call; probably related to the man in your house.

"Hey how are you?" You answer. "Yeah, I will meet you in 10 I promise. No, I did not forget, let me live. Yes, I do have your things. Yes we can get that. Byeee. I said byeeee."

"Why are you guys meeting?" He seemed oddly serious. How did he even know who it was and why did his expression change.

You are taken aback a little.

"Idk. To get coffee before school and because I should give him some notes. Um...Why?"

He seems odd and you don't like the mood change.

"I... never mind."

"I will drop you at our building before meeting him and I will come to class later when it starts"

"Ok" he says and seems like he wants to say something else but doesn't.

He almost sounds pissed.

"Make sure you have everything and let's go" you say a bit warily.

"I have everything" he says blankly.

The car ride is silent, and you are kinda glad to drop him off.

'Weird' you think as you drive until you finally see Sunwoo.

"Hiii" he says cheerfully, getting in your car.

"I got this coffee for you and a scone. It's new she said" and hands you the things while making himself comfortable.

"Um. Damn thank you. Why are you buying me so many things lately?" You eye him suspiciously "Also why do you buy strange things people recommend you. That looks so suspicious." You laugh at him.

"It's important to try new things, miss 'I always get the same thing'. I like your lipstick by the way." He winks.

"Ok mister 'I am here to attack your life choices at 8 in the fucking AM' ".

"I said you look nice" he retorts and takes a sip of his drink exasperated.

You can't believe he actually noticed the change in lipstick. 'When do boys ever have observational skills?!'

You sigh and reach for your backpack. "Here are your notes and some other useful stuff. Maybe try to pay attention a bit too instead of flirting uselessly and being a loud clown”, you retort and smirk at him.

"And I am the one attacking you? Pft" He raises his voice dramatically while laughing with his mouth full. "The scone was a good choice, if you even care. And my flirting is not useless. Everyone loves me."

"Yeah yeah they do, surely they do" you roll your eyes. "You're welcome by the way" you say hitting him with the papers and opening his backpack to put them inside, since he is too busy munching on the suspicious looking bread.

"Hey I was gonna say thanks. I am well mannered."

"Sure you are. Sure you are" you say while closing his backpack.

You reach for the scone yourself and take a bite.

"It's not half bad, right?" He says.

"I meeeean... are you trying to convince yourself it was a good investment?" You laugh and he glares. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding is actually pretty good"

"You're welcome" he mocks you fake-offended

"Hey. I wAs gonNa sAY tHaNKs. I aM wElL maNnEReD" you mock him back and you both laugh.

You are glad you have him.

"Oy it's 9:28 We are gonna be so late get out"

"It's fineeeee" he says sly.

"Get out bitch and don't forget your shit" you basically throw him out.

You drive fast and questionably park while getting your stuff and your new coffee. And run up the stairs. 9:34.

You see the teacher ahead, so you make even more of a run for it to be ahead of them and enter the class breathlessly. You scan the room quickly and find Hyunjae already looking at you and he saved you a seat.

'That is sweet' you thought, considering the drive you just had 15 minutes ago.

"Thanks" You sit down and catch your breath the best you can.

"Sure" he says. "Did you have fun?"

"I guess? We just met to exchange notes lmao" you try to lighten the mood.

"Mhm"

He doesn't pester you further, as the teacher enters the room.

Another day. Another shift. Working in a retail clothing store is not half bad. Sure, since you were in college and doing a degree you were expected, as many of your colleagues, to get a job in some corporation. Or an internship. Something seen as valuable and important and prestigious.

But God those people are picky and the environment is tight and suffocating. You used to complain about it to all your friends. Including Hyunjae. And he was the kind that could get in one of those corporations.

But he was actually the one who advised you not to worry and take a step back. "Maybe do something you would enjoy since, even if not seen as the best since we are not tight on money nor fully adults yet" he said to you back then.

He had such good words of encouragement and seemingly good advice. You often wondered why you blindly trusted him and threw yourself, when you were so scared of your own future, but it seemed fine.

Turns out it was a good idea, working in a retail store at the mall as a part-timer. It's going well. You like your job. Pay is decent. And you liked fashion and make-up anyway. And you get discounts. And you are in a mall, which is great since one of your favourite activities is window shopping.

Lia would visit you sometimes. Sunwoo came to annoy and inconvenience you a few times too.

You suppose this was one of those times huh?

"What are you doing here?" You ask quietly trying to seem intimidating.

You weren't actually that done with him, but you didn't want to be yourself with him at work.

"If you say some dumb shit, I will suffocate you with this silk scarf" you say quietly.

"Kinky. I like it." He says wiggling his eyebrows.

You discretely punch him in the arm and look for an answer.

"I can't just visit my bestest of besties at work?" He asks teasingly

"No. No, you MAY NOT. Please get out." You say as if you're almost begging but in reality, you know he wouldn't do something to get you fired. Probably. Not intentionally. Or you are almost sure.

He sulks.

"Well, what do you want? I know you ain't here for my friendship or life advice" you shoot him a mildly annoyed glare.

"I actually need an outfit for a birthday party dinner type of situation. You remember Jacob? Yeah his birthday is pretty close". Sunwoo says matter-of-factly.

"And... why do you need me? You have friends who are into fashion. Ask Chanhee."

"We are closer in style and I don't want to spend my entire fortune for Jacob's birthday."

"You want my employee discount." You roll your eyes.

He smiles widely and knowingly.

"We are such good friends you know..."

You widen your eyes holding eye contact expectantly to see what else he can come up with.

"...ok yes please I am broke" he laughed semi-awkwardly.

You smile and roll your eyes. 'He is endearing' you thought.

"That is because you spend all your money on useless shit you know?" You scold him again.

"The scones were impeccable" he retaliates. "Plus it's good to have breakfast. And you never do."

'Why is it that the two men I interact with more often attack me on the exact same spots?' you thought to yourself.

"I will literally attack you as soon as my shift is over" you whisper in his ear for dramatic effect.

"I look forward to that" he whispers back.

"Now help me pick, you must help all your customers equally".

"Yeah yeah" you say trying to rack your brain with what you could dress him. You actually really enjoyed dressing people and fashion in general and he low-key knew.

You browse through with him and try to settle together on an outfit. You are almost ready and try to send him to the dressing room to try on things. But what you didn't expect is to see Chanhee and Hyunjae walking into the store. Your store.

You seem almost frozen as the four of you make eye contact almost instantly.

"Sup guys. Fancy seeing you here" Sunwoo says oblivious. "How come you are also here?"

"I am helping Hyunjae pick an outfit for Jacob's party dinner" Chanhee says softly.

You glare at Sunwoo.

"That's cool because she is helping me pick an outfit too" he beams at them.

"That is cool. I saw you were dressed nicely too at Sunwoo's birthday, but I didn’t get to talk to you much." Chanhee says shyly. "I also didn't know you work here and with clothes. That's cool"

'Why is he so sweet' you thought.

"That is so nice. I wanted to say the exact same thing for you at that party" you laugh. "I actually told him to ask you, not me, to dress him".

You were trying to converse casually, but Hyunjae seemed pretty fixated and didn't say a word.

"Well, we will see you guys around, after picking the outfits" Sunwoo says, and you both go to the fitting room as the original plan.

As he gets dressed you hear "So why are you and Hyunjae hyung so weird?! You used to be like best friends. Also, I have seen you around together a looot lately."

'Great' you thought.

"Well, I don't know I guess we seem strange but there's nothing weird between us, we have some classes together" you try to seem casual.

Little did he know. But he didn't need to know more. Especially him. You wouldn't hear the end of it.

"Hm you are being weird" he says getting out fully dressed in the new outfit. You chose light washed jeans and a belt with a few chains, a graphic tee and a blazer.

"You look like you didn't roll out of bed for once" you say sarcastically.

"Ha ha" he says "You mean I am irresistible" he winks at you.

You give him the disgusted look and then turn serios: "I mean the colour scheme is not that good imma be honest"

"I meeeean" he ponders.

"No she is right though, something could be better. Try on another top. Or jacket"

Chanhee appears all of the sudden with Hyunjae, startling you.

"So much effort" Sunwoo complains.

"Try this one with the same things and then try just the shirt slightly unbuttoned and see which works best" you say to Sunwoo sending him back. "What did you pick for Hyunjae?"

"This shirt with the leather jacket we bought earlier at another store and these plaid pants."

"Nice. I like the zipper details on the pants. I think it will work nicely."

" I will let him borrow my jewellery And he will be fine" he laughs and you laugh too.

Sunwoo comes back with the second T-shirt you picked and It quite nicely with

the blazer and jeans.

"You look good. It would work with that cuban chain and bracelets you stole from me" you laugh.

"Yeah I agree. Looks good" Chanhee says.

"Ok I will get them for you and give them to you tomorrow at school" you say to him.

"Hyunjae you good?" You ask.

"Yeah I am a bit stuck but all good." This was so like him. Clumsy in the weirdest ways. He eventually comes out. You gotta admit he looks impeccable. You would like to take those off of him. You mentally slap yourself back to work mode.

"You look good. I like the combination, and with accessories it's for sure a success. Since you are here do you want my employee discount too? I can bring them to you tomorrow as well" You ask him.

"It's fine I will just pay but I see why Sunwoo is here" Hyunjae says and eyes Sunwoo.

"It is like him but honestly it's no trouble. Let me treat you both on behalf of working for fast-fashion and capitalism" you shoot him a glance as of 'please let me get this'. Chanhee eyes him suspiciously too.

"Ok fine I guess but just because that was a good joke" he says, and you nod at him pleased.

Finally, they leave, and you wonder how you manage to get yourself in such weird coincidences and have even more awkward situations with people you know and their friends. But you are happy that you got to meet Chanhee again and take a mental memo to text Jae and talk to him later tonight.

Of course, texting him ended up with you meeting up at his apartment. Not only to give him his clothes. Of course, it ended up with him deep inside you, but this time you wanted to ask your questions and clear things up instead of just getting laid and hearing sweet nothings mumbled in your skin after. You tried talking although not knowing how to approach the subject and what was the main issue to address.

But it seemed like he wouldn't let you speak on purpose. He was rougher than usual. Jealous, you would even say. But of course, you took it all and just made a point to ask him later.

The rest of the evening went fine, and you got dressed and were getting ready to leave and things seemed to be back to normal for a bit. He seemed relaxed again. At this point, you almost didn't want to ruin it by starting the discussion. Definitely not about Sunwoo, as he seemed sensitive to that.

So you didn't. But it surprised you when he asked if you wanted coffee in the morning before classes.

"Yeah sure, that would be nice" you say "kinda like back then” meaning a few months ago

'Back then' you think. When you and him and a few other random acquaintances used to go to the shop and get coffee and chat for like half an hour before splitting and each going to their class. It kinda just happened and then it became a thing for a bit

Back then you didn't know each other well at all. You used to think "God he is so good looking" and then you thought 'he is attentive and sweet I wish I was close to him'

And now, you both know the in-s and out-s of each other. Not even in a deep sense. More like literally. Come to think of it, you didn't even know how you got to this arrangement

Not that it was even spoken of. Like ever. To you he could get anyone he wanted with his charming but slightly cold nature. With his looks and caring ways of treating others. Of course, people wanted him close.

What you didn't expect is to get to talk to him. Actually, so much. To have fun. To even have a few classes together and support each other. To grow closer. It seemed natural.

And then one day at a party you kissed. Seemingly for no reason. And you liked it. So SO much. You wanted more from that very moment. And you got it.

You kissed again later on. And then it escalated. You still can't tell what made you go all in. Especially since you are not one for the hook-ups. It's not your thing.

Maybe you had started to develop feelings even back then, come to think of it. Maybe it was that you felt safe that you ended up sleeping with him like that and wanted in his words and touches. He had that effect.

After that, you expected it to be awkward, maybe avoidant. Like you guys would not get to see each other or just ignore each other and say hello out of courtesy. But he didn't ignore you. He was just as sweet. Kinda like it didn't happen. Like it was normal. It seemed strange to you. But you weren't exactly familiar with hook-ups unless from friends’ stories. You thought you wouldn’t as the lack of emotional connection and paranoia would stop you. But it was him. So, you took his lead and emulated his behaviour, doing the exact same. Maybe that was your first mistake. Pretending it was nothing and staying close to him.

And then at one of his friend's birthdays it happened again. And then later again and again. Seemingly coincidental. Until it happened so much that it felt like all the time. Seemed meaningful, as you were growing closer and knowing each other "better", but it also seemed to grow the distance between you, as you didn't speak much about other things anymore. And when would you? Felt odd but also oddly comforting, being with him, so close yet so not close.

You like to think you take responsibility for your actions. But maybe you run from it just as much.

'How did I even get in this unspoken arrangement?' You wondered often.

You didn't even have the guts now to start a discussion about the meaning of everything. It seemed so useless after so long. But maybe if you did have the guts, it would be better. In reality you hated to admit but you didn't know him that well at all. He was oddly unpredictable to you. His ways and demeanour always fascinated you. But maybe it was that, amongst other things, that made you come back to him. Or the feeling of the comfort and excitement in routine. A new thing wrapped in the safety of comfort.

Either way it felt like it had to end or something had to shift. And that you were sure of. It was emotionally draining.

The next morning when you got coffee with Hyunjae it was peaceful. He seemed to make an extra effort and brought you to a fancier cafe not the one you usually attended. He paid for everything, fancy coffee and pastries and he asked you to stay with him and ditch your first class, so you guys have more time together.

And you didn't even have to think about it. Your instinct would have been to comment something sarcastic, but you stayed with him, 'who cares about that class' you thought.

It felt nice yet off. Like those times you met a few months back, like those times when you didn't know each other well, but communicated surprisingly well. Like when you had a weird fondness, like a little crush, because he was just 'so good looking' as you used to tell Lia.

But it isn't t exactly like back then now. Cause now you know each other. The conversation has a heavier air and flow. It's still natural to some extent but doesn't seem to float as naturally. It's like the course of conversation is heavy due to the implications of your rendezvous.

But he still managed to make you feel good and not have it awkward. 'It's me who makes this weird isn't it???' You thought to yourself.

Regardless, you were happy to be here, and the ice seemed to break again revealing a new lair of your dynamics with him. You were pretty content to just speak about everything and nothings. It was in a way eye opening to just sit with him after constantly sleeping together.

If only you had the guts to tell what you actually wanted to say. But you could leave it like this a little longer. Or so you told yourself every damn time.

Days went by. Weeks went by. You and Hyunjae were still talking, and much like usual, conversations were turning into something else. It seemed like a routine. He gave you kinda everything and nothing.

'Things are slightly shifting though' you thought while staring into nothingness while sitting on a bench this school morning.

You couldn't point out why things were different. You just knew you were not per se painfully longing to have his affection anymore, not even the "twice a week, wrapped in good aftercare and the occasional snacks" situation. You wanted to figure out what it is about you two that is hard for your brain and emotions to digest.

You were starting to look more in depth at how he interacted with others. His closer group, his friends and with the women he seemed to be quite popular with because of his looks. You liked studying people from afar anyway.

His way of being always fascinated you. Charismatic yet cold. Keeps you at a good distance yet close enough. Is caring and sweet but slightly underdone, to most at least.

'Maybe that's why everyone seems to always long for more of him' you thought to yourself again. He can give you everything yet not enough.

You shake your head. You slap yourself mentally back to reality. It was in fact way too early to perform a psychoanalysis of your "not lover" but your brain never stops, does it?

'It makes sense though' you thought. You wondered why you couldn't bring yourself to distance yourself from him and this mess. But it was so apparent why. You let yourself guided by feelings above all, despite knowing better.

"I wish I was smarter" you say out loud while taking a sip of your coffee after staring at nothing for forever.

"Now that is something you could work on" a sweet but prominent voice startles you, while her arms wrap around you.

You honestly almost choke. You were apparently too deep in thought to hear Lia come behind you.

"No but she definitely could" another voice, recognized by you as the menace himself, says playful. She wasn't even alone? She somehow had to be with Sunwoo out of everyone.

You turn with as much of a threatening expression as you can manage to see both of them better.

"Ok now how come you both motherfuckers have decided to be on my head and torment my life together at 10 in the fucking morning? I can barely deal with one of you at the time" you say and lightly hit both of them with your water bottle.

They seemed so amused.

You glare. "Don't fucking look at me like that. I don't even wanna know how you managed to meet up in such a big campus and also find me. The universe must truly hate me or something" you roll your eyes as they take a place on the bench on each side of you.

"Oh, you aren't glad that your two only friends are here for you and they grace you with their presence?" Sunwoo says sarcastically.

Lia only laughs.

"I will end your existence on earth and make sure no one will find you" you say as you hit him again.

"Ok jeez someone is grumpy" he retorts and moves a bit further, faking how hurt he is by you hitting his arm. "Maybe we should leave her here before we get killed for real" he jokes.

"I think the same to be honest, she is feral when angry" Lia jokes but goes for a hard hug around your shoulders.

You don't get to say much when Sunwoo goes in for the hug too, both of them literally trapping and suffocating you from every angle, like a weird sandwich. You don't even get to act disgusted.

"Guys stoooooop you are literally trying to asphyxiate me in the middle of campus what the fuck are you doing?" You fight to push them off, but they only suffocate you further. "This is a weird sandwich and kink I don't wanna partake in" you say out of breath.

"You can't even deny that you loved it" Lia says playfully after they let you go.

You get up from in between them and stare at them.

"Yeah I loved it so much I would have rather went to class 30 minutes early"

They just seem amused. "I don't like this new combination. How did you two even team up to torture me?" You ask but it was more of a rhetorical question. "Anyways I should get going cause I have class in the third building and it's a ten minute walk"

"Oh come on, you are trying to get rid of us" Sunwoo says fake whining.

"Yeah dumbass, obviously" you say and start to walk.

"Well, actually too bad cause I also have building 3" Lia says grabbing your backpack to hold you back.

"And I have building 4 which is few minutes further from you guys. So, you ain't getting rid of us it seems" Sunwoo says grabbing you by the backpack too.

"Ok jeez the universe really ain't on my side at all, I see. Holy shit" you exclaim. "Also, can you two please stop touching me I will scream that you are kidnapping me"

"Yeah yeah, sure" Lia says rolling her eyes while removing her hand and so does he. "You hate attention on yourself anyways" she adds.

Honestly, as much as you act annoyed with both of them all the time, you are so very fond of them and glad they are with you. It truly benefitted you, so much, that they somehow both found you this morning while you were knee deep in your pool of feelings and self-criticism.

The walk is actually really nice, and you get to class in quite a good mood. You were actually really thankful to have them by your side, more than you would ever let them know.

"You seem irritated lately" Hyunjae states matter-of-factly.

You just glare at him.

In your head you think 'no wonder I am irritated I have school and work and you and all of these feelings and thoughts on my head and I am constantly wondering and the more I do the more I hate myself'..... It comes out as a hard exhale.

"Hey hey breathe" he says and starts rubbing your shoulders with concern in this lecture hall.

"You always say that" You pester him.

You used to love these gestures but now you have grown to hate them more and more. 'You are so sweet and caring with me. And for what?' You thought to yourself. 'Maybe I do just need to breatheOr I will strangle him'.

"So why are you irritated and stressed?" He chooses to subtly change the subject.

You wonder if he doesn't know better to not press or if it just persistence to get a rise out of you.

"It's nothing. I honestly don't even know" you ponder and sigh in annoyance, leaning back on your chair.

He huffed at that. The sound of the teacher entering almost drowned out the low whisper of his voice. “You’re a really bad liar you know that?”

You give him a side eye, straightening your back to greet the teacher.

But somehow today Hyunjae choses to be even more of a little shit than you know.

You suppose he is trying to get your attention. His attempts are miserable though. The first thought he came up with was clicking his pen to annoy you. It does hut you ignore him. The second is drawing random lines on your paper where you take notes. You stare blankly at him. The third tactic is rubbing his foot against your leg. However, of course his plan was not a success, you straight up ignored him like you had no senses. You suppose he would stop if you ignore him.

The last idea he has however was the risky one. He placed his hand against your thigh, thankful you had worn a skirt, which was a rare occurrence; he thinks maybe it is the root of his idea to begin with. This allows his hand plenty of access and he goes further and further. Shameless.

“Jae…” You warned through your teeth, eyes never leaving the slides projected in front of you.

Your attention only urged him, as you assumed it would, hand crawling up your skirt. You couldn’t help but shiver from the action, vivid images of the time when he tried this shit at some random dinner table in a restaurant. He smirked, admiring the way you tensed under his touch. Leaning close, he breathed against you. “You gonna tell me now?” His fingers dug into your flesh under the skirt, pressing hard on your inner thigh.

“Hyunjae” It came out louder than you had expected, and you immediately shut your mouth and tried to hide from any eye contact. Your temperature and heartbeat spiking all the way, making you shudder.

The attention however was already on you when the teacher looked straight at you

"Are we interrupting something?" She asked.

You could see Hyunjae wearing his arrogant smirk in the corner of your eye.

"No, I- I'm sorry" you say slowly and wary. Well, you were going to slap him now for sure.

"You don't have to be here if you don't want to, especially if you're going to disturb. You can exit if you want. Clear?"

You both nod and mutter “sorry's”. Even his face seemed slightly embarrassed. Good, you thought.

“Now miss, since you decided to disrupt the class why don’t you tell us where we were?”

Thankfully you knew. But that didn't really make it much better. He was gonna pay for this.

Or maybe he wasn't. It was meant to be confrontational. You, dragging him out of class and behind where the gyms were. You even slapped him. But he only seemed to enjoy himself, as he grabbed your throat and pressed you against the wall in the brick wall, your hands held above.

"Now there is no need to be violent. Getting in trouble is fun sometimes." He says smirking at you. It seemed like a game to him. Compared to his usual level-headed demeanour this, whatever he was doing, was even more annoying in this context. You suppose this wasn't the right strategy. You realize the cliche, buy ironically you are throat deep in it.

"Are you fucking idiotic?" You huff and fight out of his grasp. He lets you go easily, a bit of shock at the too serious expression on your face.

"If I could end your existence right now Lee Hyunjae" you say with venom in your voice “I would".

He, to your dismay, decides to smirk at you further. "Guess I'll have to make it up to you then" he says leaning to kiss your neck, hand moving to rest on your chin and brushing your lips. "Maybe I can help you relax and fuck that irritation out of you, huh?"

You jerk out of his grasp. You truly wonder if men ever have a drop of self-awareness. As much as you might have liked his games at times he needed to listen for once. You were pissed.

"Listen you moron this isn't a game for you to play with me. Fucking listen to me. What is it with you today and thinking with your dick? You really think you can use it to solve all your problems or something? I would have thought you knew better or maybe I wouldn’t sleep with you at all" you spit at him.

Sure, you were being harsh but God... lately being around him seemed like an entire challenge, and then some.

He was taken aback. It clicked for him.

But it wasn't done. You weren't done. Despite being pretty used to your mood swings, you never scream at him quite like that.

"Why does everything seem like such a fucking joke to you?" You let your voice down and stare at your feet.

His expression softened a bit. But you didn't think he really understood what truly made you reach the point and lash out like this.

He seemed to ponder over choosing his words wisely. And thankfully, he did.

He lifts you chin warily to look you in the eyes: "Look. I'm sorry, Ok? I know being called out and embarrassed and the centre of attention fucks with your anxiety. I truly regret putting you in that position" he looked serious, maybe too serious compared to a few moments ago, his hand barely touching you at this point.

You scoff and roll your eyes. 'Such deep words. Such fucking sincerity. He is such a good fucking liar' you thought. But you are grateful he acknowledges it at least.

"At least you have an ounce of self-awareness and maybe one fucking working braincell" you spew.

He took your hands, almost wary to no stir the shit further.

"Next time you decide to think with your dick make sure you should" you retort and give him an icy glance.

"Understood. I'm sorry" he said putting his hands up. "I didn't think that one through".

You looked him straight in the eyes: "Obviously. What exactly was you plan? What did you think was gonna go down?" Your voice much lower.

"I didn't have one" he confesses.

You stare at him. You were worked up and frustrated. You hated that you still wanted him so bad and you were still so mad and he looked so good at the same time. You wanted to kill him but maybe fuck him first. Such contradictions you felt all the time when with him lately.

"No you clearly fucking didn't, now do your job and take my stress away or something" you say bringing him down to kiss him almost aggressively. He was again taken aback again but didn't hesitate much, as you seemed determined. He knew how to react to you as much as you did to him.

"Now you can fucking solve your problems with your dick, you idiot" you say as you jump to wrap your legs around his waist and he catches you immediately, slamming you into the tile wall and pressing himself into you.

"Mhm" he mumbles in your lips while his hands were digging hard in your thigs.

You couldn't say that adding exhibitionism to your list of kinks was your priority. Not that you mind, as you enjoy this maybe too much. It is with him.

When you weren't with him you wondered why you always gave in but when it came to action it was like you were intoxicated. Your mind was foggy. You were greedy. He was so good. He was giving it to you so well. You were damned to have him and not have him at all.

His lips were attached to the sensitive skin on your neck, you biting your bottom lip wistfully. Your breaths had picked up as he kept kissing you everywhere, making you lean your head all the way to the side, so he could cover every inch.

Often he grinded his hips into yours, and you felt that prominent bulge in between your legs. You let out a strangled sound and you felt his hands dig in your thigs.

Harder. His tongue playfully toyed with the lobe of your ear, and you arched your back, pressing your chest into his.

Suddenly you make him stop and look at you.

"Do you wanna do it here, where everyone and anyone can see us, idiot?" You say while panting. "Didn't take you as the exhibitionist, Lee Hyunjae" you mock him just a little, even though you were fully partaking.

"Hm" he presses you further into the wall. "I bet you would like that, wouldn't you?" He says smirking, with his hair dishevelled.

'God he's hot' you thought. Maybe you did want that, with him.

"Can we get inside like in the lockers or showers or something please?" You plead with him.

He only laughed at you but picked you up, with your legs around his hips and carried you inside the showers. Thankfully no one is usually at the gym middle of school day hours. Not this one at least.

"Do you feel better by knowing it's not fully exposed or do you wanna be like the typical high school teenagers? Getting it on in the bathrooms"

You silence him with another make-out even if you consider hitting him again. You put your knee up and rub it in his crotch to silence him fully. It works as he responds with groan.

His hands skimmed to the rim of your underwear and teasingly pulled at it before allowing it to snap back against your hips.

“Can I have you?” he pulled back slightly and rested his head on your forehead.

"Yes" you say. Simple, fast.

'Maybe I should make his life harder' you thought to yourself.

His hand slipped under your skirt again and ran down your bare thigh. You gulped, eyes closing when his thumb began to run up and down your underwear.

"God, you are so wet already. Even mad you always respond so well to me" he says with an arrogant smirk.

"Shut up and do something already. I feed your ego enough every day". You want to seem annoyed.

"Ok miss 'I order people around'"

"Shut the fuck up" you say and start undoing his jeans for him, only pulling them and his underwear enough to not seem 'suspicious'.

He was giving you a heavy-lidded eye facial expression and it made you only want him more. You would take more moments to admire him, but the anxiety makes you go faster. You go take out a condom out of your bag pocket and put it on him. You lower yourself and take him into your mouth a few times to give some lubrication. He throws his head back and lets out a heavy breath.

After, you go back up and hold his jaw to have him look at you while you pump him.

"Hmm. I see you are prepared for me always." He slammed his lips to yours to silence your following sarcastic remarks, and moans in the kiss as you stroke him tighter. His hands groped your sides and breasts and moved with the same urgency as his lips were. Sloppy. Fast. Careless. He really could take your thoughts away.

"Shut your mouth"

His hands went to your thighs and lifted you slightly and you took the queue to jump again. He slowly lowered you, teasing your entrance with his tip.

"We don't have all day. We are at school. Just go for it already" you say with your eyes closed.

"So impatient" he says as you feel him go all in at once, filling you up. You put your hand over your mouth to silence yourself while also adjusting.

Hyunjae began to pick up speed till your back was slamming against the wall. You buried you face into his neck and bit harshly to silence yourself. This produced a whiny moan from him, and he increased his speed a little bit more

"Stop making fucking noises" you whisper yell into his ear, your hand going to his mouth.

“Fuck, (Y/N).” He groaned under your hand. “Fuck, fuck, fuck…” his voice sounds even deeper.

You bring your hand to your own mouth as he continued pounding into you, full control, your self-awareness just a little, but not all the way gone.

Your fingernails scraped at his back, probably leaving red lines on his skin, even through his shirt.

He was hot. Going all in, slamming into you almost fully clothed, going fast and rough to get you both to your highs fast. He knew what he was doing so well by this point. No matter time and place.

“Jae I'm close” You moaned again in his neck this time, closer to his ear and that had the wanted effect as you felt him twitch inside you.

"Me too baby. Me too." He says as his trusts into you hardened, one hand going under your skirt to rub your clit to help you reach your climax.

It was all the way smooth sail but right as about to get to your high, you thought you heard something. Your mind was however too hazy, and you choose to believe it was some random noise or you imagined it. You wouldn’t have chosen to ignore it usually.

But now, with the atmosphere hot, your bodies and clothes sweaty, him pounding into you like crazy and you both into overdrive, it was all about you.

You settled for putting your hand over his mouth again and biting into his shoulder to muffle any further sounds as you felt him come undone. A few strokes after, you also came undone, and he helped you ride out your high.

You were pretty sure you'd have left too many marks out of anxiety and pleasure if it weren't for both of you still wearing clothes.

He helps you down and discards the condom and you reach for your bag to get some wipes to freshen up. After you help each other and both fix your clothes, breaths still panting, you chose to sit down next to the sinks on the cold tiles to catch your breaths fully and he does the same.

The air was stuffy, and you felt slightly... both emotionally and physically drained, so you laid your head against the tiles of the gym shower room.

He took your arm and made you come closer to him, kissing you slowly again, guiding your head to rest on his shoulder instead. He intertwined your fingers, and you would lie if you said you didn't want to sit like this with him. He was so gentle, peaceful to you, especially in aftercare. Kinda made you truly regret your life choices, even when you were being so very content in the moment. He was rubbing circles on your hand with his thumb and God, you wish you would be mad and you could just scream at him to stop fucking with you so hard. But you knew he had good intentions. Or so you presumed. 'If only both of us could align and see eye to eye on this relationship' you thought as you pulled your phone out.

"Come on idiot, let's go about our day" you say, trying to force him up too as you got up, but he didn't let go of your hand.

"I want to go home" He whined holding onto your hand.

'He always does some childish crap' you thought as if you weren't fond of it.

"Well, then, let go of me and fucking go home" you say. But your soft tone betrayed that you weren't mad at him anymore.

"You are so mean to me" he says slowly getting up.

"Mhm sure" you roll your eyes. "Let's go because I have things to do with my day"

"Ok businesswoman" he retorts with a smile

"I will slap you senseless once again" you threaten but the mood is light compared to 15 minutes ago, when you did it firstly.

He just raises his hands and laughs.

As you look in the mirror to touch up the details on your clothing and make-up, he comes behind you, looking at your reflection intently.

"Did I redeem myself? Did I do a good job?" He says resting his hands on your shoulders.

"Yeah yeah. I however don't know if anything can truly redeem you" you smile at his reflection, and he does the same

"Hm. I KNOW you can't get enough of me." He says massaging your shoulders. "Plus, the anxiety of semi-public sex makes you cherish your quiet normal moments more

You scoff and turn to him. The audacity.

He is right of course, SO VERY RIGHT, but that doesn't need to be verbalised.

"What do you know about what I cherish dumbass" you say turning to look him in the eyes.

"Oh I know more than enough, and trust me, I can prove it again and again" he smiles down at you.

You never thought you would go about doing it in a fucking bathroom while in break at school, but it felt oddly exhilarating, now looking back. You were almost glad you did.

'Maybe I am really fucking stressed or some shit. Maybe I am going crazy too.'

You thought as you were now sitting in bed, done with work and responsibilities for today.

Little did you know you were in fact heard and seen.

Thankfully you weren't going to be in trouble.

You don't even remember the last time you left your room that wasn't classes or work or just to not go insane. It all seemed to blur together, as it was not so slowly but surely... time of the midterms, all work and studying and assignments due.

You don't even remember the last time you properly talked to your friends as they seemed to be just as busy. You felt exhausted and despite still liking mornings, the routine of struggling and having so much work every day was felt deep in your bones. However, you were grateful it was Friday, as the weekend would at least spare you a bit more time and Friday was not bad at school in terms of classes. You decided to text Lia to see if she was up for coffee for like 30 minutes before class to chat up, a bit more than checking to see if the other’s alive.

You were happy as she said she is excited to meet you. She also asked if it was fine if there were other people. Of course, you said yes.

You met up and she introduced you to Juyeon and two other classmates Ella and

Kevin and you all got coffee together. You knew Kevin from a party a while back, for where Hyunjae invited you. His twerking was truly unforgettable. You liked him the moment you saw him back then. You got along well. The dude liked to break his back for no reason.

By Juyeon you were intrigued, especially since he seemed to sit awfully close to your best friend. You didn't mind as she seemed comfortable, and you wanted Lia to enjoy herself and go out there, but he seemed the fuckboy type and honestly it made you mildly wary.

But as getting together and getting coffee and talking he seemed fine. Nice. Gullible. Not innocent but a bit weird. Childish yet manly. Quite the charming and oblivious, not intimidating fuckboy.

Their interaction however was very fun to observe. You were going to tease the shit out of her and try to get as many details as she was willing to give later.

As you needed to walk back to class and since you guys managed to synchronize in terms of where you have classes it was the perfect opportunity to pester her.

As soon as out of the others earshot, you already started:

"Giiiiiiiirl, so you ain't telling me nothing anymore. You really out there having hot men around you and I don't know a thing"

She laughed. "Oh, shut up. It's not like you even ever tell me anything about the men you score" she says, and she eyed you a bit more seriously than usual.

"First off I am not scoring shit. Second of all this ain't about me. How and why and since when you and the epitome-fuckboy-looking whatever Juyeon guy are close together???" You say in a 'maybe too excited, ready for some tea' voice.

"Omg can you not make this seem like such a big deal?" she whispers. "You are so dramatic"

You just look at her expectantly.

"Fineeeee. We met like 3 weeks ago... he missed his morning class and came to ours and apparently him and Hyunjae are close, and he introduced us and we sat together and did a small assignment. You happy?" She rolls her eyes.

You roll your eyes too but maybe it's more because of the mention of Hyunjae.

"God Hyunjae truly be the root of all evil and status quo disturbance in life huh?" you say laughing.

Maybe it seemed a bit too forced because it was hitting home. But you liked self-deprecating humour the best.

"Mmyeah I bet he is. You should tell me more about him" she says playfully.

You have a bit of an 'oh shit' look but go back to blank quickly. It made sense she be knowing something. Honestly you weren't even sure why you kept it to yourself from her. But at this point it was kinda embarrassing to tell the story, you thought.

She knew she wasn't getting a response, so she chose to continue.

"Well, weren't you like super fond of him and saying how pretty he is and how nice and bla bla. Turns out he has hot and nice and bla bla friends too" she turns the subject back.

"Girl Juyeon might be all hot and whatnot, but I don't know at a glance... kinda epitome of fuckboy" you say pursing your lips.

"First of all, you said that twice. Secondly, even if he is, although he doesn't seem to be so far, it's not like I am planning to get married to the guy" she says giving you a side eye. "And besides, says you, who walks around with motherfucking Sunwoo all the time, need I say more?" She gives a knowing look.

You don't bother to really respond "Ok fair he is like that"

"Did I hear my name? I didn't know you guys love to talk about me in your free time" he says sneaking behind and putting his arms around both your shoulders.

Lia laughs.

'How the fuck does he always manage to be here on my head?' You wonder. It's like he has a GPS or some shit.

"You wish. You ain't the primary object of discussion, as much as you would enjoy that." You say and take his arm off you.

He pouts and gets back, and you realize how much he is panting.

"My dude, why do you seem like you ran a marathon to school?" Lia asks, slightly concerned.

"And since when do you even care if you are late?" You look at him and narrow your eyes.

"Oh my God, can you ever stop being such a bitch to me?" He says in one breath.

"Mmmmmmmno. Also save your breath if this class is so important that you had to run."

He just mockingly makes a face at you.

"Do you have a presentation or something?" Lia asks him.

He just gives you both the bread meme face and looks down.

"Mmm I see" you smile knowingly.

As you approach the building you have to split.

"Well good luck with it" you say patting his shoulder.

"Good luck. Do well" Lia says encouragingly.

"Thank you" He bows his head. He almost turns to go. Then he turns back and snatches your iced coffee and turns half running taking a sip. "Thank youuuuuuu" he says loudly and smiles sweetly as he has put already some good distance between you.

You just give him a blank stare at first. Then show him the middle finger and smile as fake sweetly as possible. Oh friendship.

"Exactly what I was saying." Lia says laughing. "You guys are just such an interesting breed - you and Mr epitome of fuckboy if you will. Amazing duo" she finishes and purses her lips.

"Gurl" you just say, playfully slapping her maybe a bit too hard.

"Auch" she says as she starts to take distance to go to her class too.

"Good luck to you too you bitch" you say ending showing her your middle finger too, and giving a sweet smile.

"Good luck" she just smiles and waves.

Before you know the chaos of mid-terms is over. Between the stress of assignments, work, projects and mid-terms, it all goes away in a blink, while also feeling like the longest weeks of existence.

'I always do this to myself' you think as you absentmindedly sip on your home-made coffee on your dorm balcony. But you are free at last.

You know Lia still has one more exam to go before it goes back to normal for her too and you can go out together, so you find yourself enjoying your alone time, wondering if you should skip classes all together today, and get some sort of bruch before work. You need groceries anyway. You mentally note that.

You decide that even though you woke up for school you might as well skip after all. You put on a nice outfit and make-up as way to celebrate your freedom, and even take a few selfies, posting your OOTD in your Instagram story too.

After like 5 minutes you get a text from Sunwoo.

Sun dude: So, you just weren't going to tell me you are done with exams too? How disrespectful 😤

You: Pft I didn't know I had to give you a monthly report of my activities and whereabouts mister:)))

Sun dude: oh come on it's not like I am asking for THAT. NOW can you stop being dramatic and meet for coffee? And congrats on being done BTW.

You: First of all, the audacity. I am not being dramatic and no I am not meeting you, especially with that tone. And second of all thanks. Congrats to you too or something.

Sun dude: oR SoMEtHinG. How dare you. Also thank you🙃 SeConD oF aLL: will you please do me the absolute ultimate honour to accompany me for coffee in this fine morning to celebrate the end of some of the suffering we went through this semester, miss.

You: Jeez I didn't know you had that much vocabulary in you. How much of your last braincell did you use to come up with that one?

SeConD oF aLL: Fine. I will meet you in 15 minutes just because you tried so hard:))))

Sun boy: OK great. Thanks for appreciating my effort, I guess. And my braincell is very capable must you know😒

You: Yeah, yeah sure🙄. I will see you in front.

As much as you liked to tease and turn you were actually excited to see him.

You parked your car, and he surprisingly was already there, waiting for you.

You get out and he comes to greet you a bit too excitedly, in classic him fashion, putting his arm around your shoulder with too much force.

"How much did you miss me?" He says smirking.

"Oh but to the moon and back" you say sarcastically and clutch at your chest, then burst out laughing.

He just rolls his eyes. "Well it's good to see you too" he says shaking you by the shoulders.

You get in and order your coffees and you decide to get some cake slices too. After sitting at the table he suddenly asks you "wait why do you have just this small bag instead of your usual backpack? Don't you always 'must have everything'?"

"Wow I didn't know you had observation skills" you laugh and he gives you a glare. "I am actually not going to class today so I don't need it"

He gasps. "You are ditching class???? And without me too?" He says clutching his chest dramatically. "I am so hurt. Who even are you?!!!!"

You just roll your eyes and laugh. "Who is being dramatic now? Besides, why would I ditch class with you?" You provoke him.

"Because fIrST oF All" he mocks "I am the most fun person you could be with and sEcONd oF All, you missed me so much and you want to do stuff together" he finishes. "Or would you rather ditch with someone else?" He eyes you, narrowing his eyes.

"FiRSt oF all, you give yourself too much credit, and secondly, I love my alone time, as much as I ~long for your presence" you mock him back, rolling your eyes.

"Well, you have me, and we can do anything you want" he says giving you a smirk. You don't say anything.

"Of course, if you want, if not we can find another time, since we will have free time more and all that" he looks down avoiding, avoiding eye contact at this point.

You loved how he goes from super confident and flirty to being a shy baby, super respectful and listening to you. The boy was such a contradiction, but you learned to appreciate that.

"Yeah, we will indeed have plenty of time, and we will meet more often and see everyone too. As for today I was just going to get brunch alone, maybe a few groceries and walk in the park and then go back home and then to work" you say softly. "You can come if you want to tail my introverted activities Mr. Popularity" you say smiling.

He smiles looking down again.

"Shut up" he says softly. You like his cheekbones when he smiles.

You lied if you said you didn't like spending time with him. Although it was rare that you two spent more than 30 to 45 minutes together at the time, and those in campus... doing things such as grocery shopping and getting snacks and walking in the park was much more fun than anticipated. He wasn't even that tiring to you surprisingly, although he was hyper and loud and annoying. You were actually in such a good mood; you were glad you had him.

As you both got in your car for you to drive him back to his dorm and then go home, the atmosphere was relaxed and you were sitting in comfortable silence, the air conditioning fanning your faces and soft radio music playing at low volume in the background.

'Maybe I truly needed a day off or something' you think to yourself as you wait for the line to turn green.

"Maybe we should ditch together more often" he says smiling seemingly fondly, looking out the window. "I had fun" he admits almost shyly.

"Mhmm" you hum peacefully giving him a half glance while smiling, not taking your eyes off the road.

"I had a lot of fun too" you say smiling "although I don't know about ditching, attendance is pretty fundamental as I am a procrastinator, and I don't efficiently study for exams" you say giving him another glance.

"Oh my God, when will you stop?" He says fake annoyed.

"Mmmmnever" you hum again slowly.

The comfortable silence settles again.

As you park in front of his dorm, you get out to stretch and check if he has taken everything.

"I will make sure I have everything" he says getting out himself and checking.

You just smile. The constant nagging has paid off on him, although he always seems to NOT know where his things are, you think.

"Can I have a hug?" He asks and comes to your side.

You just give him an "intimidating" look but then immediately going in his arms anyway. Hugs are nice after all.

"Good luck at work and drive safely. Maybe text me when you get home or tomorrow morning for coffee?" He half mumbles half asks in your hair, close to your ear.

"I will" you say pulling back and looking at him. "Good luck to you too with whatever you do." you say softly.

"Thank you" he says and lingers one more moment before he starts walking.

You wait for him to walk more, and he turns one more time before going inside the dorm and waves, you waving back.

It's pretty safe to say you were SO glad you met up with him today.

Things seem to be settling. It seems to feel better. A bit more free. A bit more steady. The schoolwork seems to be going back to normal amounts, work is decent, and you get to see your friends more. To do things for yourself. It seems as things fall in line. The anxiety levels are much lower.

But how much do things fall into place when you still see Hyunjae every so often. Surely with exams and everything you have cut the contact and endeavours with him quite significantly. It almost shocked you how normal it felt to not have him next to you all the time compared to 2 months ago. You thought you would suffocate. But turns out... you don't.

'Maybe all the midterm stress and staying inside has finally shaken some of my rationality to life' you think to yourself.

'Maybe I don't need him after all'.

But how true is that when your thoughts still go to him every so often?! When you still admire him when you see him from afar, when you are still willing to hook up with him, despite knowing better.

You decide to enjoy college life at last, at least a bit, while it's feasible, and to exit the house. You go to a party some of Lia's classmates are holding in a fancy house. Nothing big but not that small.

It was all fun and games until you realized that a lot people you knew were at this party, which wouldn't have been a problem if it wasn't for Hyunjae and his many good-looking friends. 'Why am I even avoidant of him?' you ponder.

You said you were going to spend time with Lia, as you haven't spoken as much as you would have liked lately. But those plans are ruined when Juyeon seems to steal her away effortlessly to dance, to drink, to laugh with him, at some point they disappear completely.

Which leaves you to wonder around and be with Hyunjae. And it seems as if you are friends again. He is not usually a fan of PDA, so you get to speak more than indulge in other activities. But after taking few drinks together and just dance a little, your bodies seem to fit perfectly with each other. At this point no wonder they did. You did pretty much anything you thought of with him. You knew how to accommodate each other. And he still made you laugh a lot. He had it in his personality. You relish in the warmth he exudes and maybe you are once again too close to him, alcohol clouding your judgement. You start to flirt, and he reciprocates and before you know you are out of the main floor of this fancy house, somewhere on some stairs making out.

'He truly is intoxicating' you think for the millionth time, as you let yourself held by his not so firm grip on you. 'When will I learn' you wonder while going in for another kiss. Things seem to always be going in the same direction and you are ready to get in the next room or bathroom to get some privacy. Already.

But that doesn't last long as you and pretty much every one hears something break and some of the loud music stops. You go over to look down from the stairs, and it seemed like a few people started to be concerned too, as the impact had a powerful sound. What you find is not the best sight.

'God dammit Sunwoo' you think as you rush to see the situation from more up close. You didn't even know he was here tonight. He must've arrived late.

"Oh, come on just leave him, he is a big boy, he will manage" Hyunjae says but you are already rushing to the impact.

"What did he do?" You ask as you find Kevin first pretty close to the scene.

"Well, he had one too many drinks and he was showing off some random dance he has learned with Eric, both on that table, and it was apparently slippery, or they just tripped each other and they banged heads and Sunwoo fell dragging the table cloth and the entirety of everything on that table with him" he says, concerned.

You also look concerned.

"I don't know how either" Kevin shrugs and just looks like an upset mother ready to scold the kids, but also really worried.

"I can't believe they literally don't know better after all this time" Hyunjae says mildly annoyed. "I am gonna kick YoungJae's ass so hard" he states.

You don't know who you should be helping at this point, as you have seen Hyunjae kinda beating the living shit out of Eric as a joke at one time.

"We should honestly just let them be stupid and pay for their mistakes, maybe they would learn" Hyunjae says, glancing annoyed and making eye contact with Sunwoo.

"They would deserve that to be honest" some random girl says.

You grab her arm and push her out of the way with a glare, annoyed by her interference. "Let's help them" you urge Kevin and Hyunjae.

Everyone seemed a bit tense, and you didn't like that. It was like a mess, frozen in place, and yet so loud and dynamic you felt a bit lost, although you didn't have that much to drink. Hyunjae disappears with an angry look, giving Sunwoo a death glare and dragging Eric with him to God knows where.

"I'll take care of him" he says, but for some reason you are not sure if it's the best thing ever for Eric. However, you kinda felt much more responsible for Sunwoo, as you were really close with him.

"Damn Kim Sunwoo" you say as make your way next to him, some people filming, some drinking and cheering, some in the lookout for napkins, and some mildly concerned, trying to go back to their business.

"What the fuck was in your head dumbass? Why must you try stupid shit like this?" You scold him as you grab his collar and drag him up to inspect him.

He however resists which wasn't like him with you. Even if you were rough and bitchy, he always let you take care of him in your way. But it wasn't like that tonight.

"Oh, you came to help. How almighty of you." He mocks a bit too loud. You take a step back. Although you knew he can be weird when very drunk, you didn't see these things directed at you. He was pretty easy to pacify. For you.

"Come on. Stop the scene and come with me." You say seriously looking him in the eyes.

"Oh, come with you? Where? Weren't you too busy with Hyunjae just a minute ago?" He laughs, gets up and takes some random drink from the counter and downs it.

"Can you stop being fucking childish and just come with me?" You drag him more forcefully. He still resists.

You yank him close to you and he almost loses his balance, but you support him and lean to speak directly in his ear: "Listen I don't know what has gotten into you tonight. I know you like to be the fucking centre of attention but making a fool of yourself while you are too drunk to think, with your head swollen and other injuries, and screaming nonsense at me won't give you the attention you want" you say firmly.

"What do you fucking know about the attention I want?" He retorts and glares. "I can do whatever I want, and I definitely don't need you to nag me or 'care'" he says mockingly. He leans closer to you "You should go back and finish the business with Hyunjae, I bet he misses you" he says and takes another sip of a random drink.

You grab his face making sure he listens although he seems to be half hallucinating by now. "Listen here you little shit. I don't know what your problem is with me and/or with him but being stupid about your health and safety and doing shit like this won't solve your issues." You say sternly and a bit too loud. "You should clean your clothes and drink some fucking water you idiot" you say shoving some napkin into his chest and walking away, making your way through some of the people who seem captivated by the scene, or by him.

"Show is over. Enjoy your night" you say as you make your way outside.

At this point you weren't even sure why or how you got so angry and thinking escalated with Sunwoo, and you are definitely still worried about him and also about Hyunjae. God knows where he went. You try calling him. No answer. You send him a message to call you back. You try Lia. No answer.

You weren't really sure what to do but you couldn't leave Sunwoo alone in this state and the other people here weren't really close to you. As much as he was being a bitch and angered you, he was too drunk, too vulnerable, you felt the need to have an eye on him, despite knowing that he probably could d just fine on his own, without your help, get to his house somehow and get himself together some way. However, you still got back inside and started looking for him. He seemed nowhere in sight, and he wasn't where it all went down first, but his phone was. Slightly cracked and with some alcohol on it. You wipe it and take it with you. "I will fucking kill him myself" you say to yourself.

You wonder around some more and ask around, people don't seem to know where he is. You go upstairs, check open rooms and bathrooms and he isn't there. You can't tell if your pulse and temperature are so high from all the exercise, alcohol or anxiety building up. You assume all three. You weren't the best at handling stuff, even if you hated to admit. But you did try, and it somewhat worked.

You try to find people you know better. "How and where the fuck is everyone and why am I so stressed?" You say to yourself in an angry voice, feeling your sore throat.

'Relaxing' was the premise of going to this party. 'Mhm'.

You decide to take a tour of the yard again to look for them and also clear your head. You start to truly wonder what you should do as you pace around, no one helpful in sight. You weren't the best in certain situations.

You see Ella, the girl Lia presented you a few weeks ago. At least you spoke more than 3 words to her before.

"Hey sorry have you seen Sunwoo. Or like, do you know him?"

"Actually yeah... I think he took the back entrance of the house like 2 minutes ago" she says nicely.

"Oh thank God. Thanks Ella, I appreciate it."

"Yeah girl no worries" she says as you turn and half run.

You find the back exit and take the stairs in front, leading you to the floor you searched minutes before. You look in the first room and scan and hear noises from the bathroom. You try the handle and it's closed and upon further inspection you are glad it is, as you would have walked straight into something private.

You get out and rush to the next room and open the door a bit too forcefully, and smashing it into the wall by accident. When you reach the bathroom however you slow down immediately, as you see him sitting down in the most weird position ever, next to the bathtub, water on his face and clothes and his eyes half closed.

He seems startled by your presence and when he realizes it's you, he starts to laugh and closes his eyes back, leaning against the cold tiles. You don't want to fight or disturb him, as he seems out of it and drained, so you just sit down facing him, a bit out of his personal space.

"You are so determined to find me" he continues to laugh. Mocking. "It's like you can't leave me alone. What are you going to do now?" He says drowsy "Scold me some more?"

You choose to say nothing. You look at him, you pretty much sober by now, and say nothing. You are honestly not sure what to say but you are glad you found him and he is not downing more alcohol.

He opens his eyes and looks at you.

"Nothing, princess? Cat got your tongue? Or what? No scolding? No remarks? Are you trying silent treatment? Cause it won't work on me and you know it"

Everything he says is mumbled together and in a high but tired voice. Like his body is not functioning but his mind is going 1000. He seems tired and emotionally exhausted to you. And like he is about to throw up for 3 days straight.

"You should save your energy" you say softly and look at him up and down. His head is even more swollen than before and his knuckles red. His eyes have dark circles. 'God why am I friends with the most idiotic motherfuckers in the universe?' you wonder.

"Maybe you should stop checking me out" he says trying to joke around.

"Mhm" you hum and nod.

He is sweating and visibly uncomfortable as he drags his tie even lower than normal. You instinctively go closer and help him take it off. You try to help him out of his jacket, and he complies slowly and you unbutton his shirt a bit more.

"I bet Hyunjae wouldn’t like that you are doing this right now, sweetheart" He says is classic Sunwoo style. "Is that how gentle you are when you take clothes off him too?"

You try to no be obvious, but it stops you in your tracks for a second. You try to keep your composure as you feel exposed all of the sudden.

"What? You didn't expect to have people know you fuck him every chance you two get?" he says but you notice it's not even provokingly. It has a bitter yet provoking undertone, maybe disappointment, maybe something else.

You clear your throat and put his jacket aside, being grateful that he is half out, rambling nonsense he probably won't remember. Your mind races, but at least now you know why he seems so fixated on you and Hyunjae. But how does he know of your randez-vous with him?

"Shut up and have some water" you order and hand him a bottle you picked at some point for yourself downstairs.

"MmmIdonwanna" he says and slides his whole body down the tiles.

"Yeah yeah" you say and take the water from his hands and press it to his forehead, as it is cold, hoping the swelling would go down.

"Auchhh" he whines. "Are you doing this on purpose?"

"I'm sorry but the cold might help" you say lowering the pressure.

'He is like a child' you think.

The silence seems to set between you two for a bit.

"You always take such good care of everyone" he says, trying to readjust his position. After a pause he starts again "Is that how you two started fucking?"

You press the bottle firmer into his head and he hisses. "What is your problem with me and him? Why do you even care?" You say but don't look in his eyes one bit.

"I don't care. Why would I care? You can do whatever the fuck you want. Maybe you should go look for him right now and just leave. You would have a good time together for sure." he says in a raised voice, irritated. He doesn't seem to look into your eyes either.

You put the water down and start fiddling with your hands, making your body go a bit further behind, but you stay still.

That is when he does look up. He expected you to leave. You can tell. When he sees you are just sitting there, he closes his mouth and lowers his gaze once again.

After a quite long awkward silence he starts again: "Wanna hear something that is going to make you truly mad?" he laughs. You look up at him with a blank expression. "I lost my phone. It’s gone. Pufffff. Nothing" he gestures dramatically.

"Yeah" you say absentmindedly, not even looking at him. You rub your eyes and forehead. Maybe a party on a Wednesday wasn't your best idea after all.

"You are not going to tell me I am fucking stupid?" He says and lifts his hand, letting it just free fall onto the tiles.

"You ARE fucking stupid" you say, and you are pretty sure you looked straight through him.

He looks at you and you can see the features of his face drop. He looks down. "I-" he starts but stops.

You look at him again.

"I thought you were going to be sarcastic and say it like you usually do" he says in a little voice, almost laced with embarrassment and a child-like regret.

You say nothing and just pull out his phone out of your back pocket, handing it to him.

He seems shocked and he hesitates a lot to reach for it

"Do you want it back or not?" You retort.

"Yeah yeah I... I'm sorry" he says and takes it warily, a too impressed expression on his face.

"Magic" you say sarcastically but in a monotone voice.

"T- thank you" he stutters and puts it next to him.

"Anytime" you say and take it back to put it safe.

"And I'm sorry. For being a dick." He suddenly starts rambling loudly. "I don't know, I guess you and Hyunjae are a good pair I don't know why I can't stand the two of you. It feels weird and he seems to have you with everything he does and he captures your attention so right and gets you to do things and speak and when I see you two at school it makes sense but he gets you to do crazy things too and I cannot ever get to you like that... like when you fucked in that bathroom like it was nothing and I couldn't stand him fo-"

You stop his rambles by gripping his jaw a bit too harshly. You feel your heartbeat suddenly too raised and you are sure your eyes are wide and you kinda wish Earth would just swallow you. 'He saw us'. Realisation of the century. Now even further don't know how to feel.

You remove your hand from him and he just looks at you as you put distance between yourselves. "I'm sorry I shouldn't have- auchhh" he suddenly jolts as he leaned on his wounds.

You are both a bit frozen, stealing glances at each other warily every once in a while. You thought he knows nothing in this state, yet he made perfect sense in that phrase somehow. He seems to have sobered up quite a bit too.

"I feel like death" he says after a bit, further sliding down the cold tiles.

You look at him with concern. "You will probably throw up and be better. As for dying...not on my watch unless I kill you myself" you say softly and take the water bottle which he let slide on the floor and hand it to him again. "Please drink some" you say.

He takes it and takes a sip and puts it on the floor. "I- ok. Honestly I feel like shit" he says.

"You look like shit too" you say blinking at him absentmindedly.

He seems to relax despite the never-ending insults. Maybe he senses the change in your tone or demeanour.

"Why are you never nice to me?" He pouts.

"Shut up" You retort.

He complies.

He is sweating and coughing but with you by his side he manages to throw up and not get it on his clothes, as you shove water down his throat and hold him because he sees probably double if not quadruple.

You make him stand up and make him wash his face and mouth with whatever you find in that bathroom, and by this time he is more in his senses.

"I knew you liked to steal things but not like this" he says amused as you rummage through bathroom cupboards.

"Yeah yeah just shut up." You say handing him mouth wash and a towel. "Just take what I give you and concentrate on coming to your senses" you say authoritative.

"I will always take whatever you give me" he says and looks at you, smirking. At least it sounds like him again. Not bitter either.

"Maybe I will fuck around and give you some substance that kills you without living a trace in your blood" you give him a side eye.

"But..."

"No but’s, come on stand up properly and I will give you 5 more minutes to lay down until the uber is here, ok? Now hands up let me check your pockets" you say without giving him much time to do anything. You were tired and not really in the mood for the usual bickering.

He complies, letting you check his pockets. Thankfully he still has his wallet and keys. You take them and lead him to the bed.

"Why are you stealing from me?" He jokes around but by this point he doesn't sound coherent at all.

You just look at him. You think he gets the gist to shut up and lay down.

When the uber arrives you drag him, as he slumps over you all the way to the car, and also manages to fall asleep on the way to his dorm on your shoulder.

'What am I gonna do with you, Kim Sunwoo?' You think to yourself looking out the car window.

When you arrive you thank the driver and pay. Somehow you manage to drag him and his 70% asleep drowsy state out of the car and in the building and then in his dorm room. You place his wallet phone and keys on the nightstand, next to his bed.

"Here are your things" you say like a whisper, thinking to not wake his roommate, although you both made a lot of noise with him while entering for sure. He says nothing, just barely stands on his legs.

You half push him on his bed and close the door quietly, take off his jacket again, and you are glad he is too drowsy to say anything, as you push him in a mildly decent sleeping position and he just lays, falling asleep almost instantly. Or so you think. He seems pretty comfortable although in a weird way, and you decide to just let him be and sleep, planning to leave him a voice message for when he wakes up and hates himself but doesn't remember anything. You slowly close the door and leave and God knows you are ready to sleep too after the day's adventures.

You are so thankful when you arrive in your apartment, drained but feeling better, mentally knowing you managed to deal with him and get home, at least that. It is after all enough for tonight.

You are pretty sure you could sleep for days.

When you wake up the next morning to your alarm you don't feel too bad. Turns out you were pretty tired. Classes weren't that early either, so you had a decent 5 hours to rest. You decide to sit more in bed, sacrificing some of your make-up and also making your own coffee, although you suspect the latter is because you like the coffee shop coffee better. You make sure you get that before class and also a good water intake.

You check your phone and see just a text from Lia saying she is fine and asking if it's all good with you. No texts from anyone else. You respond and gather yourself to get up. After a bit you do get up and start getting dressed and put slight make-up on and get your things for the day. You can't exactly pinpoint what it is but you feel slightly weird.

Classes and work however go by fast yet really slow, your body seems a bit stiff but nothing too bad, a mild headache bothering you. 'I hope I don't get sick' you say to yourself. You pick some hot food on the way home from a random fast food and hope that some ibuprofen and food and good sleep will do the job right at fixing you back to your normal functioning state.

When you get home Lia texts you and you talk, how you feel kinda weird, the party (ofc she left with Juyeon like 1 hour within arrival) but she says they had a good time and they got food together and he is being really sweet, so you couldn't be more glad. You don’t ask about Hyunjae as you deem it weird since they left. But you do wonder about him.

After catching up some more about school and general moods, you both decide you should go to sleep earlier than usual. Seemed right.

You do your skincare and, as you are almost done with your dinner, you get a text.

~21:50

Sun dude: Hey, you good?

You: I am, are you though?

Sun dude: I am fine but I feel weird

You: Well that is pretty much a given considering the alcohol level in your blood is probably still too high and you have a mild concussion.

Sun dude: I hate life and I can't remember shit and things hurt.

You: Bet. Maybe you should get things checked or something. But at least get some good rest pls.

Sun dude: Yeah I should. I don't even know what life is since this morning.

You: No shit. Eat some mildly healthy food too and make sure you don't get yourself in more trouble. Thank youuu. I am going to sleep soon.

Sun dude: This early? Since when?

You: Since I need sleep you dumbass. Good night.

Sun dude: Ok sure whatever you say. Good night. Sleep well! ALSO, why do you text me in this tone? 😕

You: Good night!

Sun dude: Hm I see. Goodnight!

The next day you wake up a bit too late for your liking and also feel weirdly dizzy, but you decide to ignore it and get ready anyways. But then you realize that it truly is too late, and you missed your lecture entirely. You should have been there too as you promised the teacher you would be there for her presentation, and she would give you some materials that you needed for an extracurricular project.

'Who the fuck made me include myself in extracurriculars?' You sigh to yourself.

You low-key hate yourself for that, as now you have to apologise and go take the class with another group. However, you are an adult, so you must fulfil your responsibilities, therefore you go to the later lecture early and talk to the teacher. She excuses you and gives you the papers. She is nice about it too.

As you are done and look for a seat your eyes fall on Hyunjae, Lia and Juyeon and you assume this was the class they had together that she told you about once. You glance and give them a nod and Lia gestures for you to come sit with them. You are not particularly thrilled as you will sit in the only spot left, next to Hyunjae but you can't refuse them. Who are you gonna sit with anyways?

You are thankful however that the lecture starts pretty fast since all four of you can feel the weird tension between you and Hyunjae, and Lia and Juyeon seem to just sit awkwardly.

After the lecture is done, you say your goodbyes and ask Hyunjae to the side to talk to him. You are thankful Lia gets the queue, pulling Juyeon and they leave, letting you two to talk.

"So you weren't even going to text me?" You ask in a low voice, eyeing him carefully.

"I thought I didn't need to. Didn't seem like you cared much for what I was doing."

His reply is curt. It irks you.

"I literally called and texted you to text me. I do care about what you are doing, and I am also concerned, especially since everything seemed to go downhill at the party" you say looking at him warily.

"Really? Because you only seemed to care enough about whatever the fuck Sunwoo was doing, when all he does is get himself in trouble. You always go to him. You are always together." He says as his voice starts to crack and he aggressively runs his hand through his hair.

"He was in an obvious really bad state, and you also dragged Eric God knows where and what for. You, the person who is usually the first to help, you were making it hard too. You were acting so strange. I didn't know what to do" You retort.

"Oh, I was acting strange?! For not giving into whatever show they were putting on and babysitting them?" He says annoyed.

"They were drunk as shit, and you left without a fucking trace and didn't answer. Not even after more than 24 hours. I don't know what to do with this and I don't know what you expect me to do about certain things... and how you expect me to be like, but I just... I don't know... you..." you lower your voice and gaze and let out a breath of frustration.

"What do you mean what I expect you to be? I don't know what you expect ME to be either" he sighs in frustration. "God, we don't seem to be on the same page about anything lately."

"No shit we are not" you say blankly, a bit too fast, avoiding his gaze.

He looks at you. "Maybe you should just go with him, even right now, since you seem to like each other so much and you solve all his shit and take care of him all the time"

Now he was just being a bitch in your humble opinion.

"Oh really? Is that all you heard? Is that what this shit is about? Me apparently choosing him over you? Come on Hyunjae is your ego that fragile? We are friends and he needed help, he was shit faced, and yes I might not be the smartest and I don't know how to choose the best or organise my priorities but... God, really?" You exhale hardly after that entire ramble. "I don’t even know why we bother with this. We truly don't see eye to eye anymore at all, huh?"

However, what clicked for you was 1 thing. Somehow it pressed both of them so hard that "you chose the other over them". Now that was an issue you didn't anticipate at first.

He just sighs and his expression softens slightly. He seems like he would like to say 1000 more words. To put out what he really thinks and give you a piece of his mind. But he doesn't. He just nods.

You assume that is his way of caring about your feelings, he has always had this sense about not going too hard on you, even if to him you were irrational. Maybe that's why you seemed to love him, or so you assumed at one point.

But lately everything you two did is running around each other weirdly, and you started to hate the dynamics between the two of you more and more. It's almost like you wanted to fight him all the time too. Like you were on each other's nerves for no reason, despite "whatever desire" you had for one another.

"What have we even become?! We can't seem to speak to each other anymore" you say and give a bitter smile.

"I wonder too" he says, returning the gaze.

"I'm sorry" you just say looking down. You don't know what you are apologising for, but it feels like you should. It feels like the right thing to do to make amends.

"I'm sorry too" he says quietly and pulls you in a hug.

You have a feeling he doesn't know what he is apologising for either, but the hug feels nice and for now you both feel more at ease.

After that, the four of you meet up and have lunch all together. It goes pretty well, as the tension has clearly subsided. But despite that, you were still very conflicted inside.

Lately you seem to hate everything you do. Or don't, for that matter. You seemed to create yourself issue after issue, and they were all with yourself. Maybe that was the root of your problems. Yourself.

Sitting in bed now you wonder how another year has passed. You tend to lose track of time easily, whether it be stress, school, bottled up emotions, or general mental illness, the passage of time seems to always take you by surprise. And now, close yet again to what everyone deems to be a special day, your birthday, you think it's only fair to reflect on what made this year different from the last. You have a bit of a habit of doing so. What have you accomplished, what made you think, what made you change, how do your goals and thoughts differ?!

Honestly? Immediate indulgence and gratification were never really your thing. Perhaps it came from your childhood when everyone told you “You should have been wiser", that you "Weren't mature enough". So you learned to never trust yourself or jump into the things you wanted, out of fear that it will bring you a bad outcome, and you would cause "the entire world to turn around", just from the trouble you created. You didn't believe you could ever solve things fully on your own, not even now, as a full-grown adult.

You didn't know why or how back then, and you still don't know now. You wanted to prove yourself smarter back then, whilst now you just wish you could organise your thoughts and bring out some rationality to reason with yourself. To not be so emotionally tormented inside.

You've always had a point of holding back. In hesitating or denying yourself what you wanted in hopes you would be prepared to face the outcomes of it going sideways. And it always does (go sideways), because how can someone see the outcomes of every circumstance equated for?!

You suppose you should have treated long term issues and far thought outcomes as just that. Long term. Possibilities. Potential outcomes. But how could you when you wired and rewired your brain into constant panic about what you could do wrong next.

So, indulgence didn't come easily to you. It was equivalent to numbing your brain and your anxiety, and you found that impossibly difficult without a major distraction.

Looking back, you suppose he was just that. The prefect distraction. He baited your mind and twisted your thoughts the right way, to make you feel free to be "reckless".

Oh Lee Hyunjae. The man you have met though yet another one of your distractions, Sunwoo. You didn't think you would grow close to either of them. Yet somehow, you managed to tangle yourself with them so much, you don't know how to escape.

You remember meeting Hyunjae for the first time. He was sitting in the campus cafe with 2 other classmates. His features, sharp and defined, could undoubtedly be attributed to the attention he commanded. He was imposing, seemingly intimidating and untouchable. Yet some of his features were soft.

'He is handsome' you thought. It always came to the shallowness of physical appearance, you suppose. Something piqued your interest. And clearly not only yours.

He also had a look of disinterest about him, his head resting plainly in the palm of his hand, and his other playing with the pen, seemingly in thought. You wouldn't have placed him as nice and open, or necessarily sweet or attentive at a first glance. You assumed a bit cold and maybe conceited. Needs to get what he wants.

But when Sunwoo introduced the two of you, his face chanced into something welcoming, and his words were sweet. You felt nice to sit next to him, although you didn't speak much. You suppose now that it was just his way of being polite. Which you did too. But with that exchange came many others. You seemed to find each other. Again and again. And you wondered why. Why did he notice you? How did you two speak so much?!

You wouldn't have approached him anyways. You liked to keep your head down. Not necessarily out of humility, but more due to the masked self-esteem issues, you suppose.

But with so many simple short exchanges, came the implementation of your biggest indulgence. He was such a good distraction, and he was so good to you. It made perfect sense you would give into anything with him. He made you want things, and he took matters into his hands, giving you what you wanted. He anticipated your reluctance and made sure to clear the doubts in your mind with his touch, putting you where you would've not had the audacity to place yourself, because of your overthinking.

And you liked that. His persuasion and imposingness, his almost strict way of being, it made you want to show him you were up to his standards. That you were worthy of him. That you could keep up. Maybe that was one of your big mistakes. But you liked to be in the moment with him. And most moments with him came as an outlet for your desires, and his.

An entirely casual arrangement formed without you even realizing, which would turn out to complicate your life to a substantial degree and confuse you to no end.

Your birthday was in 3 days, Monday, but Saturday night seemed perfect for a birthday dinner and some fun and drinks with friends, as you were all free and could afford to go a bit crazy and still have time to recover from hangovers and other endeavours until Monday morning hit you with classes and work and other responsibilities.

You truly didn't have many friends. You invited Lia and Juyeon, since they were close and you liked having her around, even with him, to your surprise. Of course, Sunwoo, as he wasn't to miss this, or you would kill him. Another friend Hyolyn, you kept in touch with, even if not that much, as she was a med student, and last but not least, the one and only person who has managed to twist both your mind and your guts for the past year, Hyunjae. You truly wondered how it was going to go. You had mixed feelings to say the least, but it made sense. You were hoping to have a good time, nevertheless.

Birthdays, despite not yielding the same very special and exciting place they did in your heart when you were younger, still held some form of joy and desire for you to have a better time than usual. It was almost the thought of being "worthy of having all the nice things" and "lashing out" or "lavishing", despite it being one day in an entire year. Wasn't the healthiest mentality. You are aware.

Things seem to work nicely as you and Lia met up to get ready and you would meet everyone else at the location. Therefore, you have time to enjoy getting ready together and speak about nothing and everything. Exactly how you liked.

You were excited as she told you about their relationship, that it seemed to go well, to fall into place the normal way, and she was happily getting his attention along with all the fun.

You found yourself in the best place to finally tell her about your "adventures" with Hyunjae. How from the beginning, being acquaintances and getting along really well in a short time, you skipped the friendship bit, going towards being intimately close, an unspoken relationship fallen in place, taking you by surprise, the addiction to the feelings he gave you being a different story.

By this time, you were both almost ready and also had a little alcohol from the corner shop in your system, as to loosen, because apparently "you seemed stressed" or so she said.

She looked at you like the story was the most natural thing. Like it all made sense.

"So, you think you have feelings for him? Like genuinely?" She asks.

"Honestly? Right now, I don't even know. I like the feeling he gives me. He fucks me good. He is good. And a few months ago, I would have said that for sure I do have feelings... but now I think I have just an addiction to him or something. But I don't know... I can't seem to cut him out or end this thing."

"Makes sense. He has been in your life for a good half a year now or more and you guys work well. But I am glad to see you are not dependent on him or crying over him needing you. I think whatever feelings it is that you have, might just be you two being close for a while and going through different periods together. You have an interesting bond." she says, seemingly recalling the two of you together.

"Yeah, but even that seems to have changed. Our dynamics are truly something, especially lately." you say, pondering.

"Well, you guys definitely have something, and I am very sure, from "unspoken" sources, that he cares for you. You are definitely attracted to each other. But it just might be the feeling of familiarity and a bit of an addiction." She adds and looks at you in the mirror. "Nevertheless, you are doing well, you will figure it out, no matter what, and I am here if anything..." she says gently stroking your shoulder.

"Also, you look stunning in your outfit and make-up. Figured out feelings or not you are amazing, and you will get the hang of this. But by then enjoy yourself, get yourself some nice things and some dick-"

"Oh my God pls stop, like not most of my issues came from that" you roll your eyes, laughing.

"Hey let's have fun, all right? It's your night" she says and squeezes your hand reassuringly, like always.

You just look at her and smile knowingly. "Girl you truly are the light of my life. You are amazing. Thanks for being my friend. And you look stunning as well. We deserve some nice things" you agree, and she laughs.

Maybe it did make sense all along. She always understood you the best, without much effort. You were relieved to gather your things and get there with a bit more clarity, good looks and a good mood for the evening, especially beside her.

"Hi, reservation on Y/L/N" you say softly.

The waiter leads you to the table. You think maybe you picked something too fancy but you look good and Lia keeps pushing you with confidence.

Everyone is already there. You greet them happily, determined to make this a good time.

The dinner goes fine, 'uneventful but a good time', you would say. People keep each other entertained, even if you can't do that yourself, the restaurant is nice, like really nice, the food is good, and everyone is civil with each other, you assume for your sake. You get your presents and then you all decide to go to some other place and get a few more drinks and then walk around a bit to finish the night, before parting.

You find it weird that Sunwoo seems so quiet. After all he likes to be the centre of attention, and these are people familiar to him. You assume it might have something to do with that party. It would make sense. You find it even more weird that he is not particularly eager to drink, or even eat, as you observed at the restaurant. You would have asked him quietly if he is all right back there, but you were sat too far from him, between Hyunjae and Lia.

But now that he excused himself, so do you, as you want to make sure he is fine. You find him in the hall next to the bathrooms.

"Hey, you OK?" You ask and softly grab his arm.

He seems startled but his features softened immediately at he takes in your presence. "Yeah of course, why wouldn't I be?"

You eye him and narrow your eyes. He smiles at that.

"I just wanted to make sure. You were uncharacteristically quiet for yourself tonight."

"Oh, so now you want me to speak, huh? He smirks. "What happened to 'Sunwoo you are so annoying.' and 'I am always thinking of how to shut your annoying ass up', huh?"

"Oh, shut up."

He motions the 'zip up his mouth and throw away the key'.

"Stooooop. You are such a little shit." You say, as you lightly punch him. "But honestly if you don't feel great or anything you can just go home and relax or something"

"I feel great don't worry" he says and embraces you into a hug. "Happy birthday" he says in your hair, his head tugged in the crook of your neck.

"Thank you" you smile and break the embrace.

You return where everyone is and the atmosphere of the night resumes to its natural state. Maybe a bit tense, as in way... too civil for a group of friends, but still good.

The rest of the night goes by surprisingly fast. When you are saying goodbye and parting ways, Sunwoo is the first one to leave, on his own too, despite you offer to take everyone home. Lia leaves with Juyeon in his car and your other friend leaves with an Uber, which more or less conveniently leaves you and Hyunjae together. You wonder if they all planed this or something.

Although you both deem yourselves rational adults, the relationship you and Hyunjae had lately was weird, and created a different kind of unspoken tension between the two of you, no matter how hard you tried to pretend it was not like that. Even with the alcohol in your systems, you weren't exactly loose and your usual selves around each other. As you were driving to take him to his apartment it felt a bit awkward again. 'Since when do we go around each other like we are on shards?' You thought to yourself, as your eyes never once leave the road.

"You good?" He asks and looks at you.

Even at the stop signs you couldn't seem to want to make eye contact with him.

You turned nevertheless offering a small smile "Yeah, of course. Are you?"

"Yeah, but it's not about me." he says softly. "You seem a bit tense, and it's your celebration tonight after all."

"I mean...you seem tense too, if we were to take it that way." You laugh more to yourself.

He says nothing.

"We all have our periods of being weird, right?" You ask, but again, it was more of a rethorical question.

"Yeah. We definitely do." He says and places a hand on your hand, which was on the gear lever, soothing small circles, like he does sometimes.

Few minutes later you park in front of your apartment complex, as you usually do. It was a known arrangement from the times you used to hook up like two or three times a week. It was a habit. You would come from school or whatever place together, you would park, he would come up with you to make sure you were safe, he would come up with whatever excuse, you would hook up and then he would walk back to his apartment, which was only a 10 minutes’ walk.

You used to deem this convenient when you unspoken arrangement started. Now you weren't so sure.

"You sure you are alright?" He asks again, as you both got out of the car and close the doors. He leans on his side of your car. You lean on yours.

"Oh my God" you roll your eyes. "I am as all right as you know I always am." You briefly pause and shake your head seemingly teasingly, looking him in the eyes. "What do you want me to say?"

"I...I don't know, I'm sorry." He seems lost for words when he answers you.

Both your smiles seem courtesy.

"When did we get like this?" He ponders quietly, coming to your side and looking at you. You know it was again a rhetorical question.

Yet you feel the need to answer.

"It's like we're walking on eggshells around each other lately" you look up to meet his eyes.

"It really is like that." He says with a tight lip smile. "It used to be so easy. We talked so well and now we just don't seem to get the hang of that anymore."

"Yeah. I would say that is pretty spot on." you nod. "We got on so well ever since the beginning, despite everything, it felt natural."

"Yeah" he says and takes your hands, looking into your eyes.

"You are such an odd addiction to me, Lee JaeHyun" you say while looking in his eyes and slipping your hands from his.

"Oh, I see" he says with a smile "we are back to ID official name basis" he softly laughs. "OK then Y/L/N Y/N"

You can't help but laugh too. "Fucking moron" you say, still smiling at him, and leaning you head back against the car. He does the same next to you.

There are a few moments when none of you say anything, but you feel him close to you. Now it feels more like a comfortable silence. Everything is a bit more relaxed.

He takes your hand and intertwines your fingers. You sit like that for a bit. The air is nice, and it is quiet, as it is late. He gets up to face you. He closes in the distance between the two of you and puts a hand on your cheek.

"Can I kiss you?" He asks in barely a whisper, looking at you softly.

"Yes" is all you say back.

His kiss is gentler than usual. Like he is almost shy. Like it's your first kiss. Like you are both just starting to explore and get to know what the other likes. Yet it still feels natural, good, exciting.

When you break the kiss for air, he still looks at you softly, with his wet, slightly plumped lips, and smiles.

"You looked amazing tonight" he says softly and goes for a hug. "Like you always do" he says in your hair. "You are amazing I wish I knew how to be what you want me to be" he says and places a soft peck on your forehead. It felt odd but you liked to indulge in him.

You take his head in your hands and make him look at you. "You shouldn't be anything I want you to be. Just be. Whatever else doesn't matter" you mutter.

"I suppose you would be right in a way" he whispers, his face so close you can almost feel his breathing. "But it does matter in another"

"Ok Mr. Philosophy" you say softly, laughing, and closing the gap to kiss him again.

'God it's so easy to indulge in him' you think as you are once again almost breathless from his kisses, your hands in his hair.

He goes in for another. More intense this time. His hands start wondering over your body like 1000 times before. It felt good. Good as always but maybe better. You were always a big believer in circumstances and wondered what kind of circumstances have led you to meet him and become so easily enthralled by him.

"Can I come upstairs?" He asks after breaking the kiss once again.

"Please" you say without hesitation.

Nothing new. He held your hand all the way up in the elevator and kept close to you as you fiddled with your keys to open the door. As soon as you are inside and close the door again, he doesn't waste a moment. He picks you up and places you on a random counter, things being shoved out the way. He didn't like how you were "so messy", but he didn't mind that much either. He found it amusing.

He started to run his hands up and down your body, and soon under your shirt. It has been a while since you two have been like this anyway.

You break the kiss streak and look at him amused. "You are so eager tonight" you smirk and wiggle your eyebrows.

"That's my line babe" he says and goes back to kiss your neck.

He breaks it to look at you again. "Besides, you are the one who is eager in the end. Always." He says and starts kissing again down to your cleavage, the first few unbuttoned buttons of your shirt giving him an easy access.

"Yeah" you say half breathless, but it comes out as half a moan. Your grip on his hair tightens. "You like to make sure you don't give me what I want when I want it" you say smiling.

"And that's what you like most about it" He says, coming at eye level with you once again.

"Mmmm, do I?" You say challenging.

"Oh, I know you do. I have proved it repeatedly" He smirks. "You gave me countless chances too" he says, close enough that you can feel it deep inside. The eye contact seems a bit too much. Too intimate. Like he has a piece of your soul, not only your body.

"I guess I did" you say quietly and smile, looking down. "But what did you really learn, Lee JaeHyun?" You look back up at him.

"Oh I learned everything I needed" he says a bit out of breath from kissing you everywhere. He looks you in the eyes once again. "everything and more." He picks you up again, squeezing your ass tightly. He carries you to the bedroom and throws you carefully enough, but forcefully, onto the bed, and then himself on top of you, intertwining your fingers and squeezing you tightly under him. You can feel him growing harder, as he grinds on you slowly. "I can prove it to you as well"

At this point you are sure you just want him to stop talking and get to what matters. He always liked to drag things on a bit too long, to make you desperate.

"Prove it then. Since you are so fucking cocky about it too" you roll your eyes, grinding your own hips against him. He responds with a groan.

Truth is...you enjoyed annoying him back so much. Not 'giving him what he wants' either. As if he was the one who longed after you. As you were the most confident and self-sufficient person ever. As if you weren't foolish and intoxicated in your own potential failures and despair. As if you could have the same control and power over him, that he does over you. But somehow, that seemed almost unimaginable.

But then, when he puts his lips on you, when he forces you to tell him what you want, when his eyes seemed to be staring straight into your soul, the fake confidence that you allowed yourself to have often would evaporate.

Resting his weight on his arms, he effortlessly positioned himself between your now parted legs, his hands caressing different parts of your body and going under your clothes. His lips are fast to follow, never breaking from your skin, as he dragged them along your jawline for the nth time tonight. He gets lower, soft and then harsh against your skin, taking his time as he worked you.

“You smell nice…” He breathes in your skin. You feel shivers.

You also felt a pang of satisfaction in the fact that he’d noticed your efforts, despite knowing that both of you don't really like wearing cologne. That was something you had in common.

You looked into his eyes and clutch at his shirt.

Veiny hands press down on your torso, sinking you more into the mattress. He could make you feel small, but in a good way.

His fingers finally grabbed your waist firmly, like to stop you from moving, but it’s not like you were planning to.

You like the pressure of his grip, it reminds you that you’re in fact there, that you have him, that you get to experience this with him. You like even more the way in which his knee now presses against your core, giving you a hint of what is to come. You can only whimper for more.

“Tell me what you want…” He purred, his fingers brushing against your thigh, making you squeeze.

“Just take me…” You whispered, your eyes glossy. “Any way you want.”

This somehow felt much more intense than usual. It seemed like he was suffocating you. Yet you wanted to go down deeper.

He finally takes your shirt off all the way, tugging at it until he gets rid of the thin layer of fabric that hid you from his sight.

He unclasped your bra before tossing it aside and pushing you back. His mouth soon rests on your chest, sucking and biting hard enough for you to squirm under his touch. Your nails to dig on his back. You motion for him to take his shirt off too. He complies easily but you don't get the chance to do what you want and explore him back.

He presses you back and his lips find your mouth, sucking harshly on your lips, his hand finds your throat and start chocking you. You moan shamelessly. It hurt just the right amount, and he knew.

"Do I learn well?" He says not bothering to stop his grip on your throat

You know he would like to hear your chocked answer, but you don't bother, you just nod, closing your eyes and digging your nails in his arms.

You liked how it hurt. It reminded you how you are alive, and it was much better than being on the amazingly boring loop of absolutely nothing, the comfort zone, which you seemed to get stuck in often.

"Not so mouthy anymore I see" he smirks and makes his way down to your jeans. He easily unbuttons and removes them. His face was now close to your core, his lips placing kisses on your inner thigh. One kiss on top of your panties and you were desperate. You tried grabbing his face to bring him where you wanted, get him to do what you wanted. It seemed to take him more than forever tonight.

"Told you you'd become desperate" he says looking up at you.

"You're boring me" you have the audacity to say despite your laboured breath giving you away.

"Aw really?!" he says, as in one motion sweeps your underwear to the side, his long fingers slipping through your wet folds, and you moaned helplessly as he puts pressure on your clit. "Cause you are really wet and bothered for someone who is not entertained at all" He holds his fingers over your clit, circling it in small motions, making your core tingle. He loved how you always reacted so well to him.

Your back arched off and your core tightened as he pushed his middle finger into your entrance, filling you just enough to give you that sensation of something. Because he knew that was what you wanted.

“You always do so well for me…good girl” He hummed, adding his index finger as he slowly pumped them into you. You feel your stomach tighten.

"Please..." You beg.

"Please what?" He says continuing with his movements.

"Please let me have it"

Suddenly Hyunjae stopped his advances. You knew of this habit of building you up, and not giving it to you. And you hated it.

But in reality, you loved to hate it. You liked it like that.

"Oh you will definitely have it, don't worry" he says standing up, as he frantically discards the last of his clothes, and freed his erection from the confines of his jeans. You knew you were just getting started. When it was just the two of you, unbothered by anyone, he liked to take his time, ruin you fully, despite you already being a mess. You still choose to huff at him for the way he is.

He teased your entrance and clit with his tip before slipping in effortlessly.

He kept the slow pace for a while before moving rapidly without a warning; his pace was rocking you both into the mattress and you couldn't want more right now. You couldn't form words if you wanted, his hands firmly held you in place as he was tipping you over the edge. You felt your orgasm approaching again, your pussy tightening against him, making him feel your euphoria.

“Oh my god-” You whimpered helplessly as he pounded into you, his hand finding its way to your throat again, applying just enough pressure to make you dizzy. Desperately clinging to his arms, you felt your high washing over you as he continued to move inside you. He closed his eyes, as the sensation of your high enveloped his length.

"God you make me crazy. You could make me and break me" he says as he continues to pump into you at a slower pace. He liked to overstimulate you.

You were overwhelmed with emotions, totally subdued, and with tears in your eyes. You weren't sure if it was the pleasure, the overstimulation, your emotions or the atmosphere. Maybe all. You felt lightheaded from the rush. Like you weren't real after all.

“I am gonna cum…” He hummed, beads of sweat lining his forehead as his fingers went to your mouth, and his hand cupped your jaw, messing up whatever make-up was still there after all this.

You take his fingers in your mouth and start sucking on them both because you liked it and as a distraction.

“Agh… Y/N-... I-” He grunted at the gesture, his movements becoming sloppier and slower, as he felt the blissful release wash over him. His jaw tensed "Can I-"

"Cum inside, yes" you answer without hesitation. You felt his gaze on you as he came undone inside you. You hummed in content, running your fingers in his hair, while he left his body weight completely on you.

The only sound breaking the silence in your apartment now, at 2 in the morning is you both, trying to catch your breaths.

Hyunjae remains hovering above you for a while. You don’t have the energy to push him off or even do anything. You lay there, occasionally running your hand over his back or in his hair. But you find yourself growing too hot and pushing him, to go open the window.

In classic him fashion he tightens the embrace and, as usual, you were just more determined push him off.

"I am opening the window. It's stuffy in here" you say without energy.

"Can't help it, can I?" He smirks and you push him again. He falls back, to lie on his back on the mattress. You open the window and go to the bathroom.

Now it makes you think. You don't regret doing it again in the slightest. It almost felt a bit too good. Even different. Therapeutic. You think to yourself ‘well you could make me or break me too, even if you didn't mean it’.

As you clean and fan yourself a bit, you wonder if you have more or less clarity than before. "I should... " you sigh to yourself.

However, there is not much time to think, as you hear him calling for you. You decide to put on some clothes too, even if not at all necessary. You come out in a large t-shirt and underwear, which were not even visible. Before returning you go to the kitchen and get two glasses of water. One cold and one not.

'God I even know his water preference, no wonder I am in too deep' you think before appearing in the doorstep of the bedroom. He eyes you carefully. There is a glint of something you can't quite process in the look he is giving you, but you choose to not linger on his gaze and go place the water on his side, on the nightstand.

"Thank you" he says, his voice groggy

"Of course" you say, and get to your side on the bed.

But you don’t stay next to him for more than a few seconds as you’re soon grabbed and shifted to rest on top of him.

You place your head on his chest but upon hearing the calmly beating of his heart, something about it makes you feel like you are out of place. Like you're not supposed to be there. To be this much "in his business". It felt too close, too comfortable.

But when he starts rubbing circles in your back you know you should react. You don't have the energy to deal with your emotions in this confused state. Not tonight.

“Stop that,” you speak weakly, partly because you’re way too tired, but also since it feels overwhelmingly intimate. He complies and you roll back on your side of the back, staring at the ceiling. He rises slightly and takes another sip of the water.

"You pay so much attention to me. You know how I like my water" he chuckles, and you are pretty sure he winked too despite not looking at him.

You are used to his jokes and weirdness by now, but choose to respond with a simple hum of affirmation, your expression not changing a bit. You sit up, getting some water yourself.

You know he probably expected some scoff of sarcasm or something along those lines as you usually react like that, but you guess you couldn't be bothered.

You can feel his gaze on you so intently after that, the light-hearted air between you two being once again gone, as it has been lately most of the times.

“Y/n.”

“Yes?”

Hyunjae shifts his head a tad, just enough to see you and he grabs your thigs to rest his head on them.

“Are you good?”

'Well shit' You thought. There it is. The thing that probably made you so attached to him in the first place. His attentiveness and sense for your feelings, despite his mighty limited understanding of them.

"Yeah, what makes you thinks otherwise?" you answer, almost automatic, like you do with customer service. A bit too polite, too detached. Like you are not even there.

"I... don’t know. You seem so deep on thought. Like you are not even here" he retorts.

'Well fresh hell, why does he know me so well'

"You know I am always deep in thought for no reason, what makes you think tonight is special?!" You say, only sparing him a glance, your words laced with pure sarcasm. But for some reason it seems forced.

He turns, his head still on your thigs and looks up at you.

"I... know... " he says and falls quiet without finishing his sentence.

You can feel the silence rising in the room is the not comforting anymore. You can tell that, both of you, once again feel tense around each other, even if not to a high degree. Your gaze is distracted by the sound of him shuffling to get his clothes from the floor. He puts back his underwear and shirt, leaving it unbuttoned.

He sits back on the bed on his knees, facing you at eye level now. However, that seems to be only more scary. As if you have to face him and your feelings at the same time and assess everything. You hate being caught like that, despite it happening all the time.

You are left once again to mutter curses at him in your head, but mostly at yourself, for becoming so intimate with him in the first place.

"You can tell me what you think-" he starts, when he feels the ever-growing, pressing quietness from you but stops mid-sentence while looking at you.

Despite the cold-ish air of the night coming through the window, the atmosphere feels even stuffier than before. You shiver.

"I wish I could tell you what I think. Most of the time I am not sure myself." You state and you can't help but look at your feet and hug them to your chest. When you look up at him for a mere second you just say, "You know that".

He does know that. To an extent, of course. He seems lost for words. So do you. Both tones of your voices seem foreign to you. You wonder if he feels it too.

"Y/n-" he starts and takes your face gently in his hand, to guide you to look at him. The hesitance between the two of you became uncanny, or so you think. You hate that. Dancing around each other like that. But it's something you do all the time. Seems like the only thing you know.

Your gazes are still locked but you are kinda looking through him. You blink.

"I don't know Hyunjae, I don't know what I think, how to act, what I should say, what I can say... it's like I know nothing. I don't even know how to express myself in the slightest right now" you say and feel your voice crack.

You lower your gaze, despite him still holding your cheek, and hug your knees tighter. That is when he lets go of your head gently, and engulfs you whole into a hug. He places a kiss on top of your head and runs his hands through your hair.

'God I am not strong enough' you think. You feel like you could break. It feels suffocating, despite being probably the most comforting gesture ever. It feels like it holds meaning, despite it not being the meaning you think you want.

His next gesture surprises you. And it seems to take him by surprise too, a little. After letting go of the hug he grabs your face and kisses you slowly. Without a reason. Without anything. It would seem so meaningless. But it also seems like it holds too much weight. Weight that... you, at least, are not ready or willing to take in your system. Yet you let your lips collide with his again slowly. You two don't normally do this after your hook-ups.

It's mechanic, it's just kissing, but something is screaming at you that it's not something you should get yourself into.

And to others it would seem "oh so beautiful'. Like two lovers sharing an intimate moment. The ones that hold a lot more meaning. Outside of sex. Light and pure. Just to comfort each other. A signal that you are there and count on the other so much. That you could throw yourself without hesitation in him, again and again, and vice-versa. But unfortunately, you know the two of you are not close to that kind of feeling. You two are not THAT. Even if you maybe craved it, desired it, at one point more than another.

You get up from the bed and pace around the room for a second, running your hand through your hair, a bit too harshly.

The next words that come out of your mouth are again a surprise, both to him and to you:

"I think we should stop seeing each other" you say, audible enough but not loud at all, and you don't really dare look him in the eyes. You look straight ahead and see your reflection in the window.

"Wha-" he looks taken-aback and his voice cracks too as he shifts backwards, at the end of the bed, legs on the carpet.

You get up too and stand at the edge of the bed, facing him despite not wanting to. It's harder than you thought. It feels like it holds all the responsibility you never wanted to take for this arrangement.

He doesn't dare move his hand to touch you, despite the urge. You look down at him, his expression again, seemingly laced with something you cannot decipher.

Your words seem to come from deep within, maybe unfiltered, maybe sincere, maybe not. You don't know. You just say it:

"I don't think I am emotionally good enough to be like this with you. To keep up. To continue this." You motion between the two of you. "I think you are way ahead of me and..." You feel your breath chocking you. "-and I think I am not able to keep up with um...-" you try to choose your words carefully, "- this arrangement that we established".

You take a pause to laugh, even if it's totally unwarranted for. You feel tears in your throat chocking you and the laugh sound manic. "God I sound so formal. It's like I am talking to the fucking president or make amends for the country" you say louder, looking up to blink the tears forming in your eyes.

Only then you look at him. His eyes are red and glossy too, as he looks up at you. You want to reach for his hands but don't.

"I... I’m sorry for making this so hard and weird and emotional and whatever this is-" you say, this time looking at him.

"It's just that- I don't think I will never ever prove myself enough to be good for us, for this, for whatever you want, for whatever we have. I don’t even really know what I want." you finally let out a breath long needed, feeling it in your throat, your words faltering and getting stuck with tears and emotions once again.

You see tears accumulating at the base of his eyes. You don't know how you reached here. He seemed to want to say a million things during your rant but was too scared to interrupt you. Now he just says nothing. He carefully reaches for your hand and starts soothing circles into it, like always. He slowly gets up and with his other hand he wipes one tear off your eye, tear you didn't even realise was falling.

Then, he once again takes you into his embrace. He is so much taller than you when he stands, so you feel protected, enveloped but also just small. Like you would break if he squeezed you tight enough. It's once again suffocating but also really comforting.

You could attribute this to being emotional on your birthday, and you know you will beat yourself up later, no matter the outcome. But for now, however, you choose to just feel his arms around you, find comfort in him, even if maybe you should not.

You both stay like that for a while. He soothes your hair. When you break the hug, you look at him, prepared to apologise again. You don't know for what, but you feel as if you should.

"I'm s-"

"Please for the love of God don't say you're sorry right now" he raises his voice to talk over you, his voice hoarse. He holds your face to look into your eyes. "It's my turn to rant" he says almost laughing and you let out a shigh.

He takes a step back and holds your elbows with his hands, maybe as a form of grasp, maybe cause he needs to feel you are there with him.

"You have nothing to be sorry for right now. I am glad you told me how you felt. Maybe I should be sorry. For not keeping up with you. Your thoughts. For not understanding you enough. For taking you for granted many times. You didn't have to keep up with me. I wish I knew what things meant and that I was better too." he says, his voice cracking. "I must say..." He pauses. "-lately I go confused too. I didn't know how I felt and what to do. Maybe I don’t know what I want either" He pauses again, taking a deep breath. "Guess you were right when you said all men are oblivious that one time".

He laughs. You do too.

The silence that was rising seemed comfortable once again. You went to sit on your desk chair, turning to face him, and he sat on the edge of the bed again. You once again sit there for a while. Eventually he intertwines your hands.

"Maybe you are right. Maybe we should stop seeing each other but-"

You look at him intently and abruptly, trying to catch everything he says, as he says it too fast. His grip on you tightens. He seems a bit stiff.

"-but promise me you won't ignore me completely when we have classes together or when we meet in the hallways or when our friends want to get coffee...”

You expression softens and so does his.

You don't respond immediately. You suppose he’s grown impatient.

"God damn you are actually such an addiction to me Y/n Y/l/n and maybe I never even realized, because you were giving me everything I wanted" he says chewing on his lips nervously. "-and more".

"I could say the same thing" you retort playfully, smiling. "You were easy to get addicted to, you were a good addition to my life too. You gave me a taste of what I wanted but I was too afraid to ask for" you say smiling. It felt good to take it out. It felt like you were both confessing something sacred.

"So promise me then." He says squeezing your hands.

"What should I promise, Mr Lee JaeHyun?" You say as you put your hand over your heart, smiling a smile that almost breaks into a laugh. He laughs too and does the same.

"Promise we won't ignore each other, and we will smile when we see each other in campus and we will continue to give each other the expertise we have, whether it be cake recommendations, life decisions, smoothies or marketing classes." He says like it's a country alliance, but in reality, you were both ridiculous.

You wipe your cloudy eyes again.

"Aw. Do you want to be my friend Lee Jae Hyun? Do you admire me that much?" You say teasingly, your eyes blinking heavily.

"Maybe I do. I think you are thoroughly interesting Y/n Y/l/n and I wish we could be good friends, or like… acquaintances" he adds smiling.

"Oh I see... Ok then” you pause. “I could say you are pretty interesting too. I would like to be your good acquaintance." You say genuinely smiling.

"Pinkie promise?" he says narrowing his eyes and putting his pinkie up.

"Oh is it really that serious?" you inquire, smiling widely and rolling your eyes at the same time. He gives you a small smile. "Fine. Pinkie promise" you add and lace your pinkie with his. He smiles widely and lets out a heavy breath.

You do too. You know despite the relief you feel now, that you will have to deal with the effects of heartbreak and separation from him.

But for now, at 4 in the morning on a Sunday, maybe for the first time, after so long with him... you both feel free, comfortable and comforting being around each other. You both can smile with ease, despite feeling drained. You exchange glances that aren’t heavy, you are just other two foolish university students, who are too pressed about life and other matters.

#the boyz imagines #the boyz #tbz #the boyz hyunjae #lee hyunjae #hyunjae #the boyz scenarios #the boyz smut #hyunjae imagines #hyunjae x reader #the boyz fanfic

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luci-in-trenchcoats · 3 years

Text

If I Fell For You (Part 12) - Not So Sweet Home

Summary: Jensen is fed up with his parents ignoring Y/N all day and when he gets a moment alone, blows up on them like never before. The reader sees how upset Jensen is over what’s happening and does her best to defend him while still trying to salvage a relationship with them...

Masterlist

Pairing: Jensen x nanny!reader

Word Count: 6,200ish

Warnings: language, major family angst, mention of a dead parent

A/N: Eek! If you like angst this part is for you! Please enjoy and let me know what you think!

________

It was late, the kids asleep in the guest bedroom, Jensen’s siblings and their families gone home for the evening aside from his brother. He made some half ass excuse about wanting to hang out with Jensen more but you knew he could sense what you did. Jensen was getting close to popping after a whole day of politeness on his part and his parents ignoring you on theirs.

Jensen was bouncing his knee like crazy as he sipped on his beer around a gas fire pit, suddenly stopping when you shifted in your seat.

“Maybe you ought to cool it with the alcohol tonight,” said his dad. Jensen set his empty bottle down on the grass and breathed deeply through his nose. “Your legs been-”

“Y/N, would you get me another beer please?” asked Jensen. You took the opportunity to get out of there, surprised when the back door opened quickly after you, his brother closing it behind him.

“I don’t think your parents like me very much,” you said, going to the fridge and pulling out a drink.

“I know,” he said, glancing out the dark window. “Jensen asked me to make sure you don’t come back out there.”

“He’s gonna go off on them.”

“Yeah, that’s what I’m guessing,” he said with a sigh. “I have a feeling this isn’t going to go well. You guys can crash at my place if you want. We don’t have a guest room but we have an air mattress we can put in the family room.”

“You think it’ll be that bad?”

“Yeah,” he said quietly.

“Then why are we in here talking about this when we should be out there making sure he doesn’t say something he regrets in the morning.”

“You might hear things you can’t unhear,” he said.

“Right now my concern isn’t if my feelings get hurt. He’s really upset and I need him to be okay.”

“You know that’s why the rest of us like you, don’t you? You care about him, the kids. You’re in love with him.”

“Yes I am,” you said as he nodded.

“You call me if either of you ever need anything,” he said, going back to the door. You nodded and took a deep breath, following him outside and already hearing raised voices.

“She’s half your age, Jensen,” said his mom. “She was your nanny. Sweetie you have to know what’s going on here.”

“You’re getting played,” said his father, catching you walking out with Josh.

“She is not half my age. She’s thirty fucking years old! She’s a goddamn adult and been through more shit then both of you put together! She’s not after fucking money,” snapped Jensen who was already out of his seat.

“You’re engaged to the girl after five months!” said his father. “It took you years to propose the first time around!”

“Because I was a nervous kid that was away working constantly. I didn’t want to make Dee stay if it was gonna make her unhappy. I’m not afraid of how I feel anymore because I feel the same about her as I do Dee and I’m not wasting my time so I can stick to your socially acceptable schedule,” said Jensen. “I love her and she’s gonna be part of this family whether you like it or not. Deal with it.”

“You need a prenup,” said his dad.

“No I don’t!”

“Yes you do! You’ve known the girl for not even six months!”

“She’s not up to anything!” shouted Jensen.

“Son-”

“Have you ever lost your wife? Have you ever been in the car and almost die yourself while you watch her breathe for the last time? Where she’s hurt and you can’t do a thing to fix it? Have you ever had to tell your children their mother is dead and she’s not coming back? You have no idea, no idea, what that does to you, how much it hurts and how much it hurts when you’re still so fucked up and your parents start making comments behind closed doors about you and you have to pretend you’re better when you’re really not. When you don’t even care about yourself anymore, when you pretend for everyone’s sake so they stop treating you like a child, when you don’t know how to tell your kids it’s okay because it’s not. It’s not. Until you go through that, until you know how bad it hurts, don’t assume a damn thing about her. She’s my best friend and she makes me feel like my old self again. I laugh and smile and have fun and when I get scared or feel guilty or freak out she makes me feel better. I don’t give a fuck how old she is or what her job was. She’s kind and good and she deserves better than you two. Danneel’s parents like her. Jared’s parents like her. Her old foster dad’s family likes her. Our family likes her except for you two. Get your heads out of your asses or you can not even bother letting me know you exist anymore. I’m done with things hurting the women I care about. I couldn’t stop what happened to Dee but I can sure as hell keep Y/N away from the two of you,” said Jensen. He huffed and walked off, Josh running off after him.

“Well congratulations. You got your hooks in him deep, don’t you,” said his father. You rolled your eyes and his mother scoffed.

“You can take care of someone without treating them like a child you know. He’s an incredibly strong person. If you don’t like me fine. But don’t call him stupid or easily manipulated or imply that it’s wrong to know you love someone after only a certain amount of time. I love your son.”

“You love his money,” said his mom.

“I do just fine on my own,” you said, narrowing your eyes. “He’s staying at Josh’s house tonight. We’ll pick up the kids in the morning.”

“He’s overreacting. He’ll be fine in the morning,” said his dad. You crossed your arms and leaned your head back. “He’ll be fine.”

“You two don’t know a thing about me and you assume I want money because of my age and my former career. Don’t assume your son will be fine and get over it.”

“We’ve known him a lot longer than you have. He’ll get over it after a night’s rest.”

“You may have known him longer and I’m sure in some regards you do know him better but not the ones that matter. If you did, you would have seen how much he would have loved for the two of you to like me. I would have taken some respect and been happy because trust me, I get how this looks to everyone else. I understand you have fears and I’m not mad you have them. I’m mad you assume those are facts when all they are is a story you made up in your head you don’t want to change. He’s right, I’m not going anywhere. The difference between him and me though is that I’ll stay out here all damn night with the two of you until you get it through your heads that I’m not here to fuck him over. I love him. I don’t have family, not really. Things have always been screwed up for me pretty much until I met him and he didn’t have to say it for me to know that he was hoping he could share the two of you with me. Maybe I was hoping for that too. But right now I’ll take some goddamn respect and an apology to your son to start and we can go from there.”

“You’re gonna curse at us and expect an apology?” said his mom. “We know you took him when he was at his low and tricked him into trusting you so you could get exactly what you wanted.”

“You know what I want? What I’ve always wanted and somehow always seems to get ripped away? A family. A stupid fucking family. Being a nanny? That let me feel like part of the family. I could pretend I was like all of those people I worked for. Nice and normal and like people gave a shit. Some kindness and a family is all I’ve ever wanted. You two...you wouldn’t have survived a day in my childhood. In my adulthood with the shitty ex boyfriend and the crappy friends and I picked myself over all of them because my mom told me to stand up for myself. Even when she couldn’t be there and I wanted her to. So I stand up for myself and now I stand up for him and those three kids to anyone and I mean anyone, that hurts them. He’s my family and those kids are my family. I don’t know what you think I’m gonna do but I guarantee the only thing I will do is tell you two where to shove it and to leave him the hell alone.”

“Why would we believe anything you say? At all?” his dad asked. “It’s probably the same sad story you told him to get him on the line. I don’t buy it.”

“I have a million dollar book deal. I’ve worked rent free for a lot of rich people since I was eighteen years old. Do I sound like someone who needs his money?” you said. You put your hands on your hips and shook your head. “What is it? You want me to sign a prenup? I would but he doesn’t want one. He trusts me and for a guy that lost his wife and had to work through falling in love with another person, I respect that. He knows what he wants and he’s not wasting time. This is scary for him. It’s scary for me. But when Dee’s parents gave me open arms and kindness and their blessing, the last people I ever expected to disapprove were you two. If you’re going to stand there and keeping calling me a liar, I’m going to find your sons and I’m going take care of Jensen instead of wasting my time here.”

“We don’t disapprove of him moving on and marrying again,” said his mom as you turned to walk away.

“Could have fooled me,” you said.

“He’s going too fast and he doesn’t know you either, not well enough to make a decision like that,” said his dad. You turned around and smiled.

“He knows my favorite color. He knows what my favorite flavor of ice cream is. He knows why I have nightmares and he knows how to make me forget them in the first place. I’m sorry we aren’t doing things on your schedule but it’s his life. He can do whatever the fuck he wants with it, whether that’s me or somebody else. For the record, he knows me just fine. Oh and if this is how you plan on speaking to him again in the morning, I’ll pick up the kids myself.”

“We’re looking out for his best interest,” said his dad.

“No, you think you’re looking at his wallet for him. See money? People think that’s important and it is but best interest? It ain’t that shit,” you said as you started to leave.

“Well what do you assume his best interest is then?” said his mom.

“Treating him like an adult. He is smart and strong and the most emotionally healthy man I’ve ever met which considering all the fucked up shit he’s been through and felt the past year is really saying something. He’s your child but he’s not a child. He found someone he loves and all he wanted to do was share me with you. This was his worst nightmare and I couldn’t stop it. So if you’re not gonna even try with me, then I’m gonna protect him from you.”

“He doesn’t need protecting from us,” he said.

“You call him stupid and that he can’t take care of himself, that he can be fooled and that the person he thinks is his best friend really only wants him for his money. He knows none of those things are true but it’s what you said to him when you said that about me. For a man who went through what he did, it wasn’t mean. It was cruel. I’m gonna go fix what I can of your relationship with him because despite all that, I know you guys love each other and I’m not letting that get fucked up because you think whatever the hell you think about me.”

You stormed off around the house and found Josh’s truck still there but neither man in sight. You looked around and heard a sniffle, your head going up to the roof. You saw the lattice work on the side and climbed up, peeking your head up to spot the two of them sat on the roof.

“Hey,” you said quietly. Jensen wouldn’t look at you, Josh rubbing his back.

“Careful,” he said as you climbed up and slowly walked over. You took a seat on your bottom, spotting the window behind them. “That was my room. Jensen used to sneak out this way. I was always too nervous of getting caught to try myself. You landed the bad boy of the family.”

“Oh yeah, such a bad boy,” you said. You scooted closer on your butt to him, Jensen resting his head on his knees. “Hey. Before you even think about it don’t say you’re sorry.”

“I know,” he said. He took a deep breath but looked up, looking fairly normal aside from a slightly pink nose. “I wasn’t expecting that.”

“Nobody was,” said Josh. “I’ll give you guys a minute. I’ll be in my car when you’re ready.”

“You should go home,” said Jensen. “Staying in a different house won’t change anything.”

“That was kinda fucked up what they said.” Jensen raised an eyebrow and he shrugged. “I don’t always agree with them. If you guys want to stay, that’s your choice but I’m not going home without telling them what a mistake they’re making.”

“You don’t have to-”

“You’re my little brother and I like her. Even if I didn’t, they’re being assholes and she doesn’t deserve that. You don’t. Alright?”

Jensen nodded and Josh walked off to the lattice and climbed down while you scooted next to Jensen.

“You thought your siblings weren’t gonna like me,” you said.

“He’s a good person. He’s never told off our parents before so...I don’t know if I’m happy about that or not.”

“He’s a good big brother,” you said, wrapping your arms around him. “I don’t love you for your family though. I don’t care if your parents don’t like me. I’ll deal with it.”

“I wish you didn’t have to,” he said.

“I still like your dad so much better than mine,” you said.

“Yours is a monster to be fair.”

“Yeah, he is. Yours love you and I don’t agree with them but in their minds, they’re protecting you and I don’t have a problem with anyone trying to do that.”

“How are you so fucking kind to them after they basically said you’re with their dumbass son because of money?”

“Like you said, I know monsters. I know toxic and bad. They aren’t it. They raised you and I really, really like you. Good people can be stupid and still be good. In the morning we’ll try again.”

“What if I can’t get them to change their minds?” he said quietly.

“Jensen,” you said, moving to squat down in front of him. You grabbed his cheeks and he stared at you. “You don’t have to pick anybody over anybody. Maybe I won’t be close with them but that’s okay. It’s so okay. We’ll respect each other or just won’t talk to each other and we’ll figure it out but we don’t have to do it all tonight.”

“I think what bothers me the most is they’ve already made up their minds about you based on your age when they don’t even realize who you are. They don’t see that this is the kind of person you are, kind and supportive and I heard you not taking their bullshit. You’re a stronger person than I am and I wish they could see that the reason I’m not freaking out over this is cause I know you’re my partner and you got my back like I got yours. I’m just having a hard time understanding why they won’t even listen to us.”

“I don’t know,” you said, eyes darting to the window when you caught some movement inside. You narrowed them and glanced down, spotting the crack between the windowsill and frame. “I’m a little cool. I’m gonna get my sweatshirt if that’s okay.”

“Careful climbing in,” he said, turning on his bottom and pushing the window up. You kissed his cheek and climbed inside, the room empty as far as you could tell. You stepped out to the hall and into his old room, getting your hoodie, his old hoodie. You pulled it on but went downstairs, catching his parents in the kitchen with Josh.

“Josh may I speak to your parents in private,” you said.

“Yeah. I’m done here. I’ll be over for brunch, okay?” he said. He walked past you and caught your arm. “Call me if you need me back.” You nodded and he kissed your temple before he went out.

“Were you eavesdropping on us?” you asked, crossing your arms.

“We went to tell him to get off the roof. We could see him from the backyard up there,” said his mom, putting her back to you as she mixed up something in a mug. “But we heard the three of you talking and then the two of you. We didn’t mean-”

“We are all on the same side. His side. We should get along. It shouldn’t be this difficult and I don’t appreciate private conversations being listened in on. But I hope you understand that you hurt your son. I know you didn’t mean to and it’s the last thing you’d ever want to do to him. But you did. So please try to help me fix this. This isn’t easy for me to accept that you don’t like me either but you’re gonna respect me. If we can respect each other, then he’s not going to worry as much at least. Please promise that we can agree to that,” you said. His parents looked at each other and you sighed. “You have to be kidding me. What do you want me to do? Go away? I can’t do that. I won’t do that.”

“That’s not...Jensen called your father a monster up there,” he said.

“I thought it was a sob story according to you ten minutes ago.”

“You said you don’t have parents. He said your father is alive.”

“What’s your point, Mr. Ackles,” you said. “Please enlighten me.”

“It doesn’t make much sense to tell different stories,” he said.

“You can’t even give me the benefit of the doubt that I love your son. Why the fuck would I tell you things only he knows, things so few people know about. Why would I trust you with the worst parts of my life when you don’t accept the best ones. For your information, my birth mother is dead. My adoptive mother is dead. I wish my son of a bitch father was dead. The only glimmer of a parent I have maybe, maybe was my foster father. That was until last weekend. I met some parents. I met Dee’s. I met Jared’s. I got the same message from all of them. Let us know if you ever need anything. Oh the way he looks at you. You must be pretty special. Anything at all, you give us a call. People that don’t even have an obligation to look in my direction treated me like I was their kid. So maybe he and I both got our hopes up with you two and that was on us. If you want to pick apart what I’ve said and call me a liar…” you said, putting your hands on your hips. Your shut your eyes and breathed deeply, turning around. “I don’t care if you have to pretend to respect me. Just do it for his sake and the kids sakes, alright?”

A tissue appeared over your shoulder and you took it, blowing your nose and stepping away.

“When did your mother’s pass?” you heard behind you. You threw your head back and took a deep breath.

“When I was born and when I was sixteen,” you said, turning around and swallowing. “Why does that matter?”

“When were you adopted?” he asked.

“Why do you care?”

“Please.”

“I was eight,” you said.

“So you only had your mother for eight years then,” he said.

“Yeah. She got sick when I was fourteen. I stayed with her boyfriend until I moved out for my first nanny job at eighteen. It was all very sad and angsty,” you said.

“Who made the first move?”

“I’m done with this interrogation,” you said. You started to leave but he stepped in front of you. “What do you want from me?”

“I just want to know who made the first move, you or Jensen.”

“I don’t…” you trailed off. “We had a fight. I told him I didn’t want him to be my friend anymore, he was just my boss and that was it. We couldn’t hang out at night and stuff anymore.”

“Why?”

“I didn’t want him to hurt me,” you said quietly. “I didn’t fit with his life. I’m not a pretty actress. I’m not smart. I’m the younger nanny and that’s all I was gonna be until I became an older nanny and that was supposed to be my life. I didn’t ask for…”

“For what?” asked his mother, carrying over her mug and setting it down on the end table.

“I didn’t ask for him to love me. But he did and I don’t know why but I trusted him not to hurt me. It’s not fairytales and roses all day every day but I like having a best friend and I never would have submitted those books to a publisher without him encouraging me and I need him to feel better. He can’t catch a break lately and I hate seeing him upset. It makes me sick to my stomach and I really, really need him to be okay so please stop doing this. Just stop. Please. I don’t care if we have to pretend the rest of our lives but please, I can’t keep seeing him take hit after hit anymore and not being able to stop it.”

You weren’t expecting the hug from his father or to bury your face in his chest for a brief moment. His mom guided you to sit on the couch, pulling a blanket around you. She handed you the mug and you saw it was hot chocolate, your eyes darting back and forth between them.

“This isn’t about to be like a lifetime movie where you murder me, right?” you said.

“No,” said his mom as she sat next to you. “We hurt you quite deeply today, didn’t we.”

You stared at the mug, holding it in your hands.

“You were looking forward to meeting us,” said his dad as he sat down on your other side.

“It doesn’t matter. All I care about is him.”

“I don’t think he’d be very happy with you laying down for a semblance of normalcy for him,” he said.

“Just spit out whatever the fuck you want,” you said. You gripped the mug and shut your eyes.

“I’d like you to stop swearing please,” he said. “In exchange, maybe we can have a second chance.”

“Second chance at what?” you said dryly.

“At meeting our son’s fiance.” You lifted your head and stared at him, catching a bashful look you saw in Jensen every so often. “We understand, as well as we can, he was hurt after Danneel. We can’t fix those problems like when he would scrape his knees. We knew he was in a vulnerable position and things between the two of you seemed so fast for how in pain he was. We thought of the worst of you before knowing you and that wasn’t right of us. We were trying to protect him. But like you said, we all try to do that. So if you’ll let us, give us a second chance.”

“For him, I will give you both a second chance,” you said. “I’m sorry to have to be the one to tell you this but this sort of thing isn’t going to go away just like that, for him or for me.”

“Is there anything…” said his mom as you shook your head. “We are sorry for before. Truly.”

“I know. Trust is difficult for me on a normal day. You guys kinda tore through the safety nets I thought I had with you. I need to build them up again is all.”

“That was you that said that, people have safety nets,” she said. You raised and eyebrow and she sighed. “Jensen, months back, he told us his therapist told him that, put things in perspective.”

“I guess couple’s are kinda each other’s therapists,” you said. “Sometimes they just need to vent to each other too.”

“Before you said...has he ever been to one?” asked his dad.

“Last weekend was...intense. I went to one as a child and he talked to him for a little while, helped him put things in perspective,” you said.

“Intense? Did you fight?” she asked.

“He and JJ got stung by a scorpion. It was a little serious. We went out the next night and I made a comment and he took it a different way and he got upset thinking I thought of myself as being less in his eyes than Dee was. I know it’s not true, it’s just different. He’s been having a really great week aside from today.”

You took a sip of the hot chocolate and went back for more, drinking half the mug down.

“We screwed up,” said his dad with a sigh, sitting back against the couch.

“Yeah but he’ll forgive you,” you said. “This is really good Mrs. Ackles.”

“Thank you sweetie and call me Donna. I made it for Jensen. He’s always liked it when he was living here and having a bad day.”

“Why do you think he’ll forgive us?” asked his dad as Donna got up.

“Because he’s Jensen. He’s not an angry man. Angry in moments but he doesn’t hold onto anger. I wouldn’t expect anything less from him. So I know he’ll forgive you. When I’m not sure of but it won’t be forever.”

“Have you two ever fought badly?” he asked.

“We’ve had a few fights. Mostly small and when we’re both tired or hungry. We had a big one a few weeks ago when he got home but we talked about why it happened and how to make sure it doesn’t again,” you said. Donna carried over a kettle and poured more hot chocolate in your mug. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Don't ask about fights Alan. It’s not our business. We should let them tell us what they want,” she said as she walked back to the kitchen.

“They probably should have had a big fight at least once to know if they can work through those things and it sounds like they have,” he said when he turned to you. “I know you’re probably love struck but marriage? That’s a lifetime of putting in the work.”

“Alan if I didn’t care about putting in the work I wouldn’t be down here right now. I know I don’t know everything I’m signing up for and no one really does but I know him and the kids and that’s worth the parts I have to work at.”

“You sound older than you look.”

“Age doesn’t always equal life experience,” you said.

“I suppose not,” he said. He stood and took a deep breath. “I do apologize for thinking the worst of you and not giving you a fair chance upfront.”

“Thank you,” you said. “I’m going to bring this up and check on him.”

“Can I ask one last thing?” asked his dad. You nodded and he looked over to Donna who gave him a short nod. “Josh said you really love him.”

“I do.”

“Do you think he loves you the same way?”

“I know he does,” you said.

“How are you so sure?”

“How are you so sure your wife loves you?” you said. “Goodnight Alan.”

“Goodnight,” he said, his mom catching up with you in the foyer where the stairs were. You gave her a tired smile and she nodded.

“If I told you something, would you keep it a secret from Jensen?” she asked.

“No,” you said with a smile.

“I had to try,” she said. “We’re not like this by nature. Something happened he doesn’t know about when he was recovering that put us off to you. A woman. A young woman at his physical therapy.”

“What happened?” you asked quietly. She took a seat on a step and you sat beside her. “If someone tried to take advantage of him, you should have told me and him. He thinks you guys have gone nuts, no offense.”

“You’ll find with time you’d rather have your child safe and upset at you than the other way around,” she said.

“What happened?”

“We moved down to the house for a few months to help Jensen. He went to physical therapy. A very good place. A family friend works there and got him in and he regained a lot of strength in his leg quickly because of it. There were nurses that often helped and he worked with a few regularly and they develop a relationship and all that. It’s good for morale and healing we were told. One of these girls was about your age and our family friend overheard her gossiping to a friend on the phone during a lunch break.”

“Gossiping about…” you said. “Jensen?”

“They saw an opportunity to manipulate him. He is smart, smarter than the both of us together, but he was going through the motions that first month. She made him smile a bit. She flirted with him. Our friend told us what she’d said and we realized, he could be hurt again. Taken advantage of for what he has, what he can offer. His sudden shift in mood this year, introducing you as a fiance, made us think we’d failed to protect him this time.”

“Why not tell him that?” you asked.

“And tell him he was being manipulated back then? He’s so adamant that it can’t happen to him but we know different.”

“I think you should tell him, Donna. It makes your reaction today seem not so…” you said, her head shaking.

“Ma,” you both heard. You looked over your shoulders, Jensen sat against the wall at the top of the landing. “Mom. Jerry told me why I got a new nurse when it happened. She was nice, or was pretending to be, I don’t know. But I didn’t like her. I never got manipulated and I was never going to.”

“How long-” you said, Jensen rubbing the back of his neck. “You heard everything.”

“Yup,” he said, popping his p, his dad coming over to the bottom of the stairs and staring up. “I don’t want to talk to either of you right now. Y/N, I’d like to go to bed, please.”

“Accept their apology Jensen. You can hash out the rest of this in the morning but accept that they know they were in the wrong,” you said.

“Why should I?” he asked, cocking his head.

“We both got hurt out of their love for you. They are not monsters and I know the difference,” you said. “You know too.”

“Will you two ever look at me the same again,” said Jensen, staring at the landing.

“Honey it was a fight. It’ll be alright,” said his mom, his head shaking.

“Ever since I woke up in the hospital, you two look at me like I’m a kid. Like I’m weak and defenseless. But I’m not. I’m stronger than I’ve ever been and this whole day could have been avoided if you treated me like your adult son, not the kid who fell off his bike and cries over a cut. I needed you two to take over, I did, I honestly did after the accident. I couldn’t take care of myself let alone the kids. But you haven’t stopped thinking I can take care of me again. I can. I do. I know I’m your kid but let me be an adult again. Trust me. Please.”

“Come here,” you said, holding out your hand. He slid down the steps and you stood up and aside, letting him get a hug from his mom and then dad.

“We’re sorry,” said his dad.

“I know,” said Jensen quietly. “Never do something like that again. Ever.”

“We won’t,” he said. You leaned against the wall and sipped on the hot chocolate, Jensen’s nose twitching.

“That’s my cocoa,” he said, turning his head up at you.

“I just Jerry Springer’ed ya’ll. I get the cocoa. Get your own,” you said. He smiled and you gave it right back, his parents pulling off and bringing him to his feet.

“Come here,” said his dad as his mom dragged him off towards the kitchen with the promise of hot chocolate. You stepped down until you were about his height and took a drink, licking your lips when you finished. “How do you just let that go? You were so angry before.”

“I’ve been to therapy. I have good diffusing skills,” you said.

“Is that a joke?”

“Not really,” you said with a smile. “You made a mistake because you love him. I’m gonna make mistakes because I love him. So when I screw up, now you owe me one, deal?”

“I know it’s getting late but would you be willing to stay up a while longer, maybe find out that favorite color?” he asked. You smiled and nodded, stepping down.

“Depends on the day,” said Jensen, stepping out with a mug of his own.

“He’s right,” you said. “You okay to stay up a bit?”

He nodded and walked back to the family room, taking your hand.

“Better?” you whispered to him.

“Yeah. Not all the way but definitely better honey.”

It was warm when you woke up the next morning. You peeled open an eye and caught Jensen laying awake, staring at his ceiling. You kicked off the blankets and he reached an arm out, pulling you to lay on his chest.

“It’s hot in here,” you mumbled, eyes shutting again.

“There’s a box covering the vent,” he said, dancing his fingers lazily over your bare arm. “It’s almost noon.”

“Seriously?” you said into his chest, nuzzling against his soft skin.

“Yeah. Sounds like they’re out back with the kids,” he said. You nodded and felt him move his fingers all over you, soft and light, absentmindedly tracing patterns every so often.

“Still upset?” you asked, his head nodding. “They’re human. They fuck up.”

“Are you angry?”

“I was. Not anymore. I kinda like ‘em actually.”

“Why would you give them a second chance?” he asked.

“When I got adopted I didn’t like, instantly love my mom. I was scared of her at first. I don’t know, I get that you can not like someone at first and then love them unconditionally, you know? It’s weird but your opinions can change once you get to know someone.”

“I don’t do a very good job of protecting you from things,” he said, tilting his head, moving a few hairs behind your ear. You looked up at him, his fingers playing in your hair behind you.

“Honey you went off on your parents last night. I bet you’ve never done that to them. You were trying to protect me and you did. No one has ever protected me the way you do,” you said. “Today is a new day and I’d like to get to know my new family some more.”

“Okay,” he said softly. “I’ll follow your lead.”

_______

A/N: Read Part 13 here!

#supernatural #spn #jensen ackles #jensen ackles au #jensen x reader #jensen series #rpf #rpf series #jensen ackles x reader #spn fanfic #jensen ackles fanfic #supernatural fanfic

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capesandshapes · 3 years

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All You Had to Do Was Stay (Post Reveal/ Pre Relationship) (1/4)

Thanks to LNC for the title!

Summary:

Three years ago, Marinette revealed her identity to him. Three years ago, he promised to wait in a hotel room for her. Three years ago, she opened the door to find it empty.

Now she's expected to play nice with him, since she's the maid of honor and he's unfortunately the best man. But old habits die hard, and old feelings die harder.

"This is a wedding, not a death march, Marinette."

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Things that need to be done before Alya Cesaire could marry Nino Lahiffe:

1. Designs combining both Martinique culture and Réunion style needed to be made for the whole wedding party. Everyone should get to have a say in what they wear.

2. The video of Alya dancing overenthusiastically to the cupid shuffle needed to be removed from Lila Rossi’s Instagram, lest Nino’s nana see and wonder what type of woman he’s marrying.

3. The cake tasting needed to be had. Marinette needed to make sure that her parents didn’t go overboard and keep the couple for the whole night. Even if Alya was practically their daughter. Even if they begged. Even if papa cried.

4. A totally unique and unreplicable combination Bachelor and Bachelorette party needed to be planned.

And, lastly… The most difficult of all:

5. Marinette somehow needed to be able to stand in a room with Nino’s best man, Adrien, and hold a conversation for more than five minutes. Even if, three years ago, he found out her identity, left Paris, and broke her heart.

“Easy,” Marinette groaned, sinking further into her barstool as she closed her notes app, her head touching the counter of the bar. She’d already crossed off the top two of the list items, and yet…

“I’m not asking for a miracle,” Alya began, obviously knowing what she was thinking about. She was the one to ask Marinette out that night, wanting to find out her progress… and also to check in on her wellbeing. It was obvious that she felt bad, she knew how things went between the two and how Marinette originally thought they would go. But she couldn’t just ask Nino not to have Adrien be his best man. “Five minutes, that’s all I’m asking. Just five minutes in a room together. You quickly plan the bachelorette party, since we know that you’re far too organized not to, give him the run down, and then leave. Back to your life, back to doing whatever it is you do now.”

“Sit at home. Alone,” Marinette supplied.

Alya grimaced. “It’s for the best that Luka got married, Marinette. You couldn’t keep playing that game. All that kiss and tell was gonna kill you some day.”

Marinette groaned, somehow sinking further into the wood of the bar. Anymore and she’d become part of the grain.

“Plus, Juleka’s in a better mood with you now,” Alya said, obviously looking at the other young woman as she undoubtedly danced on the floor with Rose. Marinette’s habit of coming back to Paris and making out with her brother had obviously put a strain on their relationship, even if Luka insisted that things weren’t committal and he was totally fine with only seeing her twice a year. “Who knows, maybe Nino will have a handsome cousin and you’ll fall madly in love.”

Marinette raised the side of her head to cast Alya a glare from one eye.

Alya didn’t falter. “So, he’s back. After spending three years in New York, Milan, Hong Kong, and Tokyo. I get it, it’s life changing, it’s world ending, it’s all the things you don’t want and more—especially after how things ended,” Marinette groaned, Alya carried on, “but, you know who else is back? Max, Rose, unfortunately Lila, and Kim. Good old Kim. All your friends, everyone who you’ve known for years, everyone who has missed you as you flitted in and out of Paris! Sure, you found out that Adrien was Chat Noir, went to his hotel room, thought you were finally going to get together, and then opened the door to find it empty—but you know, life happens! And when you least expect it, it keeps going on and on and on and on!”

Marinette turned her face back to the wood.

“I really did try to get Nino to change his mind,” Alya said flatly. “I begged.” Marinette doubted it, but…

“Why couldn’t he just stay in New York?” Marinette mumbled.

“Because Nino is his best friend.”

“Why couldn’t Nino go to New York,” Marinette said, “or Adrien done a zoom call for the wedding.”

Alya snorted. “Okay, that’s it,” she said, grabbing Marinette’s arm. “Adrien’s landing today, nothing’s going to stop it, you just have to clear your head and power on.” She leaned into Marinette’s view as her friend finally turned her head, insistently stating, “you were Ladybug for god’s sake. Even if no one else knows it, you do. I do. You gotta suit up, lovebug, and face the day, lest another evil butterfly come flying by.” Never mind the fact that there hadn’t been an Akuma in years.

Not since Gabriel Agreste was arrested.

Marinette rolled her eyes, finally lifting herself off the bar.

“There’s my girl,” Alya said. “Now, finish your dirty shirley, order another drink, and come do karaoke with me. I’m a hundred percent certain that I saw Say You’ll Be There on the song list, and you know that I’ve been singing Spice Girls since I was in diapers.”

--------------------------

Marinette stumbled into her apartment at one am. Not drunk, she didn’t get drunk, not out in public at bars. In friends’ apartments, maybe. She was still a bit tipsy which was, in its own way, dangerous. But she could fight through it, maybe.

Kicking off her heels, she looked at it, the studio she called home and had once been so proud of a few years back, the same studio she’d lived in ever since she was a fashion design student. The same one in which she’d left Chat knocking on her balcony door when she struggled to stay asleep, and eventually relented to let him in time and time again before he knew who she was.

“Someday, I’m going to move,” she grumbled, beginning to pull the bobby pins from her hair. She wouldn’t, of course, not for a long time. Rent-controlled apartments were rare, and while she pretended that the history that practically stained her hardwood floors was something she would rather forget, she was a nostalgic young woman. She’d be there for at least another five years, or until she was finally well and truly over Chat.

Five years would probably come first.

She passed by the photos washi taped to her walls, the ones where fourteen-year-old kids gave toothy smiles and eighteen-year-old young women gave winks while leaning into blond young men. If she was so concerned about history, she’d have to get rid of those first.

She sighed, finally removing the last bobby pin from her hair and letting it fall down her back, placing the black pin in one of the many bowls around her apartment placed for that very reason. Adrien would be in Paris by then, she was sure. He was probably sound asleep in the Agreste mansion.

“Welcome home, kitty,” she said sarcastically, beginning to climb the steps to her lofted bedroom, a space that was not unlike her childhood room.

This wasn’t how she expected things to be.

Of course, this wasn’t how anyone expected things to be. If you asked anyone, they told you how the story ended. Ladybug and Chat Noir finally got together, they were hiding in Paris somewhere, they were in love. They probably had kids, a dog, a hamster—normal jobs and normal lives. That was what the people of Paris wanted. She thought that that was the ending they would get.

She thought that when she went to the hotel room that night, he would be there. She thought that he was happy to know who she was. She thought that he loved her.

She thought wrong.

Marinette always thought wrong.

She thought she could get over him. She thought making out with Luka was a solution, one that she could keep trying every time she went to Paris. She thought that she would miss Adrien more than Chat, the promise of love more than sitting in her bed and watching subtitled anime while he mouthed the English translations.

By now, she thought she’d be waking up to someone else. That maybe she’d have a steady life, someone to wrap their arms around her in the morning.

Adulthood hits hard.

“Adrien Agreste,” she said, flopping back in her bed and pulling open her phone. She wasn’t above social media stalking.

There he was. Gold hair, tanned skin, too many muscles to know what to do with. Landed in Paris four hours ago, his Instagram posted a picture of him with his arm around Nino. His eyes were still kind, his smile still flawless. Her heart still pounded.

“Jerk,” she muttered, letting her phone fall down beside her. “I didn’t need you anyway,” except for all those times she did. Like when she put the earrings back in the box and said goodbye to one of her closest friends. She could have used him then.

She could have used him a lot of times.

Her eyes stayed glued to the ceiling, her chest rising and falling with every breath. There was no sound, no doting kwami, no laughter from her parents, and no Alya playing with her hair. Just her.

“Now I’m going to see you and fall in love with you all over again,” she said, wishing she could steel herself against the inevitable.

#adrienette #lovesquare #adrien agreste #marinette dupain cheng #miraculous ladybug #post reveal pre relationship #post reveal #pre relationship #mlb fanfic #miraculous fanfiction #my fanfic

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timelyowl0 · 3 years

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Brittana/Faberry Fic Recs

Hi! Here’s a list I compiled of some of my all time favorite Brittana and Faberry fics! I was originally going to separate the list by Faberry and Brittana, but many of the stories have both, so instead you can just read the pairings listed for each. They are sorted by multi-chapter complete, multi-chapter incomplete/in progress, and one-shots. Each title is a link you can click on to take you to the fic. All credit goes to their respective authors :)

Also, here’s a quick rating guide in case you needed to know:

GA/PG - General Audience

T - Teen

M - Mature

E - Explicit

NR - Not rated

That’s all, I hope you enjoy!

Multi-chapter (complete):

Between The Lines (T) - 19 Chapters - Pairings: Brittany/Santana and Rachel/Quinn - Rachel invites Brittany and Santana to a sleepover. Brittany/Santana with a healthy side of Rachel/Quinn

The Only True Paradises (M) - 20 Chapters - Pairings: Brittany/Santana - The tortuous evolution of Santana's feelings toward Brittany. See also "Pas de Deux," a companion piece from Brittany's point of view.

Pas de Deux (M) - 20 Chapters - Pairings: Brittany/Santana - Companion piece to "The Only True Paradises." The evolution of Santana and Brittany's relationship from Brittany's perspective.

Faithfully (T) - 5 Chapters - Pairings: Brittany/Santana - "That moment when Santana had sworn, even though she and Brittany were standing at opposite ends of the raised platform…that she could still feel Brittany's energy zinging toward her, like they were connected on the same current." Brittana, Seasons 1 through 5, as told in five increments.

My Girlfriend's Sister's Keeper (T) - 13 Chapters - Pairings: Brittany/Santana - Brittany isn't the only Pierce that has Santana wrapped around her finger. Santana's life with her two favorite people.

Mariposa (M) - 5 Chapters - Pairings: Brittany/Santana - Like a butterfly, Santana's journey out of the closet occurs in stages. From the first time she heard the word gay to the first time she flew free from her chrysalis, she can remember everything.

time passes, in love and in seasons (T) - 4 Part Series - Pairings: Brittany/Santana - Brittana, from the end of junior year and throughout senior year, told through the seasons. Mostly follows Season 3 canon.

Brittana Shorts (GA) - 8 Part Series - Pairings: Brittany/Santana - A collection of Brittana-centric short stories

it’s nice to have a friend (T) - 8 Chapters - Pairings: Brittany/Santana - They're six when they first meet. It's the first day of school in a crowded classroom and Santana finds herself drawn to the new blonde girl. OR The story of how Brittany and Santana meet and all the significant moments in their lives following the first time they see one another. - sequel

A Matter of Miserable Time (T) - 10 Chapters - Pairings: Brittany/Santana - "His voice was deep, quiet, and sure, so calm compared to the last words they had exchanged. Her voice was only a faint whisper as she questioned the man she hadn't spoken to in three years.'Papi.'"

Influence (M) - 26 Chapters - Pairings: Brittany/Santana - Brittany is perpetually cast as the dumb blonde, but the reasons behind her demeanor are more complex than that. She looks back on her childhood, her relationship with Santana, and the life-altering effects the decisions of her youth had on her future.

It’s Not Like I Wanted This to Happen (T)- 101 Chapters - Pairings: Brittany/Santana and Rachel/Quinn - Quinn takes a very drunk Rachel home from a party...encounters the Berrys…and herself. This story contains a huge amount of Brittana and a lot of Puck.

Rough Beginnings (M) - 44 Chapters - Pairings: Rachel/Quinn and Brittany/Santana - Quinn decides she needs to end this obsession once and for all, but life doesn't always work out the way we want it to. Sometimes it's so much better. Faberry.

Never Asked to Feel Your Halo (T) - 45 Chapters (1/2 in series) - Pairings: Rachel/Quinn and Brittany/Santana - The thing was, neither of them wanted this-whatever it was, but since when did the Universe care about what Rachel or Quinn wanted? Their cards had been dealt the moment they'd entered that shower together. Now it came down to how well they played them.

Standing on the Edge Dancing in the Flames (M) - 34 Chapters (2/2 in series) - Pairings: Rachel/Quinn and Brittany/Santana - Life isn't all singing and dancing, not even in Glee club. And what if being on top of the pyramid just gives you further to fall. When everyone feels like a frienemy and fathers and faculty and babies and boyfriends complicate EVERYTHING, how are you ever supposed to get anything right? (Book Two of the 'No Halo' series)

The South Side of Anywhere (M) - 47 Chapters - Pairings: Rachel/Quinn and Brittany/Santana - Sometimes you fall in love with your eyes closed, and when you open them, the person is someone you never thought it could be. It started with letters, and turned into Faberry.

Somewhere in Between (M) - 77 Chapters - Pairings: Rachel/Quinn and Brittany/Santana - Imagine if Faberry happened instead of Finchel. This is a re-telling of every episode as if Faberry were cannon. Each chapter will chronicle each episode starting at the very beginning. Some things will change and some will remain the same. Longer description in first chapter. Also side Brittana. As well as Quinntana friendship, and Puckleberry bromance.

Didn’t See it Coming (M) - 63 Chapters - Pairings: Rachel/Quinn and Brittany/Santana? - AU HS. After a devastating breakup, Quinn turns to Rachel in need of a friend, and ends up with so much more. - "If, one day, someone asks me how it all started; I'll have to say it was a granola bar that finally did me in." Faberry.

Bet You Didn’t Know That (T) - 19 Chapters - Pairings: Rachel/Quinn and Brittany/Santana - Faberry. What she doesn't know, she doesn't need to find out.

Take Me As I Am Seasons 1 & 2 (T) - 48 chapters - Pairings: Rachel/Quinn, Brittany/Santana and Kurt/Blaine - The incredibly true adventures of Quinn and Rachel, starting from Sectionals Season 1. It's just like watching the show, if Faberry were the central couple and everything revolved around them! Brittana & Klaine co-star in supporting roles.

Take Me As I Am Season 3 (T) - 26 Chapters - Pairings: Rachel/Quinn, Brittany/Santana and Kurt/Blaine - The continued adventures of Quinn & Rachel as the starring couple of Glee. Some integration of canon events, but mostly this is the story of Faberry and their world! Klaine & Brittana co-star in supporting roles

Blink and You’ll Miss It (M) - 31 Chapters - Pairings: Rachel/Quinn and Brittany/Santana - Quinn Fabray and Rachel Berry discover they like each other. Against all odds, will they be able to get together before they tear each other apart?

You’re All I Need (M) - 17 Chapters - Pairings: Rachel/Quinn and Brittany/Santana - A Faberry romance story, set when they are both single but I haven't specified when as I'm not even sure myself but most of the events are from series 3. Points of view will change every few chapters. And that's probably the worst description you've ever read but yeah I can't be bothered to change it.

quarantining or how quinn might lose it, once for all. (T) - 8 Chapters - Pairings: Rachel/Quinn - It starts like the worst horror movie ever but instead of being trapped in the basement of a creepy 50-something year old, Quinn finds herself being trapped in Rachel Berry's basement.

Once More From the Top (T) - 22 Chapters - Pairings: Rachel/Quinn, Brittany/Santana and others - Here's what you missed on Glee: McKinley's Glee Club reformed under the direction of Will Schuester. Rachel tried to recruit the Cheerios but that ended up being a total disaster. It's cool though because she heard Finn Hudson sing in the shower and he's actually really good. She successfully recruits him and now the Glee Club has enough members to be a real thing.And that's what you missed, on Glee!

Outside Hearts (M) - 37 Chapters - Pairings: Rachel/Quinn and Brittany/Santana - Rachel Berry's world is about to be turned upside down when one of Hollywood's most sought-after young actresses, Quinn Fabray, abruptly and mysteriously leaves her fame behind, moves to Ohio and tries to have a normal life while attending McKinley High. (Faberry w/ some Brittana)

I See That Ragged Soul Take Flight (M) - 44 Chapters - Pairings: Rachel/Quinn, Brittany/Santana, Mike/Tina, Kurt/Blaine and Sam/Mercedes - Ensemble cast piece exploring what happens after Season 3. Rachel, Santana and Kurt are in New York together. Quinn is at Yale. Explores adulthood, friendship and long-distance relationships. Eventual Faberry. Also contains, Brittana, Klaine, Tike and Samcedes content, plotlines back at McKinley, and frequent use of Santana POV.

All The Best (T, but I would rate M for descriptive scenes of suicide, eating disorders, rape, etc.) - 80 Chapters - Pairings: Rachel/Quinn and Brittany/Santana - After spending the entire summer away, Quinn is eager to get back to normal and make the best of her junior year. Excited to put everything behind her and start fresh, she struggles to establish a new normal. But when she's least expecting it, Quinn finds support in the most unlikely places and is forced to confront the very feelings that landed her where she is in the first place.

take these broken wings (M) - 4 Part Series - Pairings: Rachel/Quinn, Brittany/Santana and Kurt/Sam - Begins in Season one and follows Quinn through her life should she have chosen to keep Beth, realize she is gay, and fall in love with Rachel Berry. The main romantic relationship will be Faberry, with a bit of Hevans and Brittana, but apart from Faberry it will be very heavy on friendship and Quinn&Beth oriented.

the state of dreaming (T) - 3 Chapters - Pairings: Rachel/Quinn - Rachel couldn’t help the guilt that bubbled in her chest when she watched Quinn get a prom photo alone. Determined to make it up to her, she invites Quinn over for a sleepover. It becomes a routine. Set immediately after 2x20 (Prom Queen).

Enough to Believe (T) - 2 Chapters - Pairings: Rachel/Quinn - Years after Shelby ups and disappears from Lima with Beth, a blonde girl shows up on Rachel and Quinn's doorstep, armed with a lot of questions, and very familiar cheekbones.

you and her loathing this cruel world (M) - 3 Chapters - Pairings: Quinn/Rachel, minor Kurt/Quinn and Kurt/Sam - "Of all the girls he had to have sex with (which really, were none), of course it was someone with a painting of Jesus above her bed, so he knows that his only hope in hell that this will go away is in a negative test result." Season 1 AU; Kurt is pretty sure he's gay, but would like to make sure. Quinn Fabray has similar questions running through her mind. They put their theories to the test, with very much unintended consequences. - sequel

I’ve Been Trying to Reach You (T) - 25 Chapters - Pairings: Rachel/Quinn, Brittany/Santana, Santana/Puck, Rachel/Jesse and Sam/Tina - After falling pregnant in sophomore year, Quinn Fabray plummets from the top of the teen hierarchy at McKinley High to the very bottom. In an effort to give her a chance to start over, her parents transfer her to Carmel, a private school in the area with a blossoming arts program. It's supposed to be a new beginning, but what she doesn't count on is immediately becoming enemies with the most popular girl in school: Rachel Berry, co-captain of Vocal Adrenaline.

The Lopez Manifesto (T) - 8 Chapters - Pairings: Rachel/Quinn and Brittany/Santana - santana starts writing a rachel/quinn fanfic for everyone at McKinley. it’s also extremely popular as everyone awaits her weekly updates. (usually based on what the girls are doing that week.) quinn is the last to find out and is… pissed.

my heart’s a leather jacket I am waiting to give to someone sweet (T) - 15 Chapters - Pairings: Brittany/Santana - Brittany is McKinley’s resident broody rebel who doesn’t see much point to high school, and who, completely incidentally, just so happens to be kind of a math genius. Santana is Lima's golden child, the perfect and unapproachable only child of public figure Dr. Lopez. She’s also the high school’s enigma; no one actually knows anything about her aside from the fact that she’s cold, distant, terrifying, aloof, and willing to eviscerate anyone who looks at her the wrong way. Unfortunately for her, Brittany is about to get a crash course in the complete mystery that is Santana Lopez when she is asked—or, more realistically, forced—to be Santana's math tutor.

Dead Girls Don’t Sing (T) - 39 Chapters - Pairings: Brittany/Santana, Rachel/Quinn, Kurt/Blaine and Tina/Mike - S3 AU. Brittany doesn't believe in unicorns anymore, Rachel's dreams are as dead as the world, Santana is no one's hero…and Quinn? Quinn's just trying to breathe. The world as they knew it is gone -now all they can do is survive. Zombie Apocalypse. Faberrittana Friendship. Slow Burn Faberry. Character Death. COMPLETE

Simple Parts (T) - 13 Chapters - Pairings: Rachel/Quinn and Brittany/Santana - That awkward moment when you travel thirty years forward in time and find out you're married to your high school nemesis? Yeah, it totally sucks...except...maybe it doesn't.

The Lateness of the Hour (M) - 12 Chapters - Pairings: Brittany/Santana - "Brittany has much less to lose. She always has."

half of me (T) - 4 Chapters - Pairings: Rachel/Quinn - a run-in (quite literally) at the bookstore, two broadway tickets, and a seven-year-old in a plaid catholic-school uniform. what has rachel gotten herself into? future AU where quinn has beth and rachel makes it on broadway.

April Fools (T) - 10 Chapters - Pairings: Rachel/Quinn - Santana recruits - forces - Rachel to help her prank Quinn. All she has to do is pretend that a love potion has caused her to fall madly in love with the cheerleader. Simple, right? Wrong. Faberry.

Stars & the Moon (M) - 15 Chapters - Pairings: Rachel/Quinn - In the midst of dealing with Beth's adoption, Quinn ends up working on a summer community theatre production with Rachel. Hilarity ensues. Just kidding.

Love Me Any Less (M) - 25 Chapters - Pairings: Rachel/Quinn and Brittany/Santana - Junior year becomes the beginning of something no one expected, and maybe the beginning of something a few can't understand how they ever lived without. Starts mild but progresses to M rating. First fic ever! Faberry.

Better Where It’s Wetter (M) - 10 Chapters - Pairings: Rachel/Quinn - Rachel and her dads are going on a LGBT family-friendly cruise for the summer and Rachel's told she's can bring a friend. Who else to bring but Quinn?

Like a Seal Upon Your Heart (M) - 20 Chapters - Pairings: Rachel/Quinn and Brittany/Santana? - Quinn Fabray is Daddy's little girl and the perfect Christian. She CAN'T be gay. But then her friendship with Rachel Berry starts to change...

Somewhere in Brooklyn (M) - 47 Chapters - Pairings: Brittany/Santana - Santana and Brittany have been trying to get pregnant for a year without any luck. What happens when a teenage foster child and positive pregnancy test land in their laps on the same day? A unique journey of motherhood ensues.

Multi-chapter (incomplete/in progress):

Everyone's Gonna Know Now (T) - 8 Chapters (Incomplete) - Pairings: Brittany/Santana - 3/4 in series - When Santana confronted Finn about outing her, his response was, "The whole school already knows." That was pretty much true. This story is about the first moment or incident in which each member of Glee - and a few others - discovered Santana's secret.

Be Okay (M) - 2 Chapters (Incomplete) - Pairings: Brittany/Santana - “Kurt doesn’t know why he does it. It’s not as if he and Santana had ever had anything resembling a friendship, but he feels drawn to her, feels connected to the anguish in her voice as she realized that her biggest secret in the world was about to be revealed.“ This is the evolution of Kurt and Santana’s friendship taking place over a series of one-shots.

looks like a girl but she's a flame, so bright she can burn your eyes, better look the other way, you can try but you'll never forget her name (M) - 5 Chapters (Incomplete) - Pairings: Brittany/Santana - santana lopez writes down the story of her life for a reunion project set for the glee club by none other than rachel berry. aka, a deep dive into santana's life told through her eyes. very santana/brittana centric.

No One Left to Blame (M, read tags) - 30 Chapters (Incomplete) - Pairings: Rachel/Quinn and Brittany/Santana - Quinn Fabray is well-versed in keeping the truths of her family and her past firmly hidden away. But, her efforts prove to be moot when Rachel Berry, armed with her own secrets of the past, arrives at Dalton Academy and manages to turn both their worlds upside down - or, perhaps, right way up. Faberry. Trigger Warnings.

I’m not breaking, I won’t take it (M, read warnings) - 2 Chapters (Incomplete) - Pairings: Rachel/Quinn and minor Quinn/Santana - Santana gets up and starts toward her, “Jesus, what happened to you?” she mumbles, but she's softer than she was moment before. It's obvious that she’s concerned. Quinn chokes down a sob and then admits, “There’s something wrong with me.”“Hey, listen. Whatever it is, you’re going to be fine." Santana is still not getting it, but she’s rubbing soothing little circles on Quinn’s shoulders. There really must be something wrong with her too, because then Quinn is lunging forward and then she’s kissing Santana. Quinn feels her freeze, but then Santana relaxes and she’s kissing her back. or, a study in quinn fabray.

no love like your love (T) - 5 Chapters (Incomplete) - Pairings: Rachel/Quinn, Brittany/Santana and Blaine/Sam - Following the death of her mother, Rachel Berry assumes guardianship of her six-year-old brother, Daniel. After a cross-country move for his sister's job, the first friend Danny makes is a soccer-playing, lucky fin having, firecracker of a girl named Beth.

Song of Mine (M) - 18 Chapters (Incomplete) - Pairings: Brittany/Santana - Santana Lopez, the new Music teacher at a religious private school in Indianapolis, meets Brittany Pierce, the resident Math teacher. A love story with a happy ending. Promise.

Girls Over Flowers (NR) - 14 Chapters (Incomplete) - Pairings: Rachel/Quinn, Brittany/Santana - Dalton Academy—a school of prestige, refinement and the country's wealthiest students—houses the famous F3. When "commoner" transfer student, Rachel Berry directly offends F3's leader, Quinn Fabray, she becomes their target. Mayhem ensues.

we were built to fall apart (then fall back together) (T) - 8 Chapters (Incomplete) - Pairings: Rachel/Quinn and Brittany/Santana - Rachel and Quinn haven't seen each other for seven years and neither thought they'd see the other again. They certainly didn't see themselves starring together in a Broadway musical, as each other's love interests.

A Different Life (E) - 33 Chapters (Incomplete) - Pairings: Brittany/Santana, Finn/Rachel and Kurt/Blaine - Canon!Divergent Brittana. Santana and Brittany move to New York after high school. Everything is going perfectly until Brittany gets a phone call that changes everything. Seven years later, Santana has a daughter and she and Britt haven't seen each other...Canon until 3x16ish. No Louisville, no second senior year.

you get too close you’ll get a royalty high (so breathe it in to feel the love) (T) - 9 Chapters (Incomplete) - Pairings: Brittany/Santana, Rachel/Quinn, Sam/Mercedes, Mike/Tina, Kitty/Artie and Kurt/Blaine - "Alright," she began uneasily. "I'll do it. I'll go to the dumb school."Her parent's smiles beaming back at her were almost enough to make her think this could possibly be a good idea, but the nerves surging in her stomach said otherwise. Boarding School/Royalty Brittana AU

One-shot:

Tattoo (T) - Oneshot - Pairings: Brittany/Santana - "She soaks it in for a few seconds—this night, this place, these friends, this family room floor, this girl—before she says it back." Post-3x11. Brittana.

Eden (T) - Oneshot - Pairings: Brittany/Santana - Brittany and Santana teach Joe about love. 4K

Riding in Cars With Girls (M) - One-shot - Pairings: Rachel/Quinn - After Quinn quit Glee club and joined a band Rachel feels the gap Quinn has left and sets out to get her back, whatever the cost. But what happens when Quinn's only condition involves her car and Rachel's lips on hers every day at five? Punk!Quinn

and things we’re all too young to know (T) - One-shot - Pairings: Brittany/Santana - Five vignettes set after the point when Brittana become girlfriends. Not too many people would guess it, but Brittany knows that loving Santana is the easiest and best thing in the world to do; Santana is just the best person to love.

My Friends Say That I’m Falling In Love (T) - One-shot - Pairings: Brittany/Santana - Brittany and Santana spend the week leading up to Valentine's Day giving Mercedes grief about her date. Brittana romance, Brittanacedes friendship. Mouseverse. One-shot.

And What Would You Say If I Wrote the Whole Thing Out for You? (T) - One-shot - Pairings: Brittany/Santana - Some things have changed a lot since Sam left McKinley and some things haven’t really changed at all. Set circa 3x08.

The Landslide Brought Me Down (T) - One-shot - Pairings: Brittany/Santana - Our girls’ story. Sweet lady kisses, Landslide, their separation, the night of Prom Queen, Songbird, Santana’s Abuela’s rejection, the night after Santana learned about the political ad, Brittany’s senior year falling apart, the lights of New York, and other scenes.

seven (GA) - One-shot - Pairings: Brittany/Santana - A companion piece to 'it's nice to have a friend'. Takes place after the first scene in the second chapter - can be read separately to 'it's nice to have a friend'. Basically just childhood fluff that examines their friendship and the items they connect to their friendship.

baby you don't gotta fight (i'll be here til the end of time) (GA) - One-shot - Pairings: Brittany/Santana - She sees red for all of last period, a strange twinge of pain in her chest because all these people think they know Santana but they’re all wrong. or: three times Brittany tells people they've got Santana all wrong and the one time she tells Santana

The Unicorn Tapestries (NR) - One-shot - Pairings: Brittany/Santana - We lie on our stomachs on my pale blue sheets, a book lying open in front of us that we bend our heads over, sunlight all over the page and bringing bits of gold out in your skin..

But You Could Sing (NR) - One-shot - Pairings: Brittany/Santana - Why am I always the one who tells bedtime stories? Because your stories are prettier, BrittBritt. But you can tell real ones. Like what?

Colors (NR) - One-shot - Pairings: Brittany/Santana - The sunlight in my room shines from the south. The way I know: when I lean far out my window, the sun rises on the side where I can feel my heartbeat, and sets in the direction of my writing hand.

You’re Something Else (T) - One-shot - Pairings: Rachel/Quinn - 'Quinn gets the impression she and Rachel are finally on the same page about what may or may not be happening between them. All she really knows is that it's colourful.'

Raising the Bar (M) - One-shot - Pairings: Rachel/Quinn and minor/implied Brittany/Santana - Quinn never expected that the best matchmaker would turn out to be a lumpy pullout couch.

the one with the friends reference (T) - One-shot - Pairings: Rachel/Quinn, minor/implied Brittany/Santana and minor/implied Kurt/Blaine - "You can see it. Quinn standing in front of you, as close as she can get without touching you and saying, 'Are you attracted to me?'" Faberry. Post-season six.

Blame it on the Alcohol (or the gay, whatever) (T) - One-shot - Pairings: Rachel/Quinn and minor/implied Brittany/Santana - “I can’t believe what you did to my body, I used to have abs!” - In which one sentence is totally incorrect and causes chaos and havoc and Faberry feelings to happen. Also known as drunk Rachel is kyoot and Finn is stoopid.

could you pass in love? (T) - One-shot - Pairings: Rachel/Quinn and Brittany/Santana - “'Quinn Fabray, I will divorce you, don’t think I won’t!'” In which Rachel and Quinn get married, sending them into a possibly out-of-character feelings frenzy . Season Three. Faberry.

Do You Wanna Know How This Story Plays Out? (T) - One-shot - Pairings: Rachel/Quinn - It's not her fault that you feel the way you do about women, you know that, and you knew that then, too. But you've been angry at Rachel Berry for making you feel things you wanted to lock away for years, and it was far too easy to put all of the blame on her to avoid dealing with your own feelings. It wasn't and isn't fair, but it was about protecting yourself and it makes it a little easier to bear. - OR - After everything implodes with Finn, Quinn moves in with Rachel. They make out a lot without ever talking about how much more it means to both of them. Introspective Closeted!Quinn POV from second-person.

you succeed at being mine (T) - One-shot - Pairings: Rachel/Quinn and Kurt/Sam - Sequel to 'you and her loathing this cruel world'.

This Must Be The Place (T) - One-shot - Pairings: Brittany/Santana - Santana is eight years old when her Tio Carlos joins the Army. Or the less-cracky-than-you-might-expect Glee/The Losers crossover where Cougar is Santana's uncle. (If it tells you anything, i nearly titled this 'Ohana Means Family.')

This Modern Love (T) - One-shot - Pairings: Brittany/Santana - "How do you know when you're dating someone?"

Beth’s family tree (GA) - One-shot - Pairings: Rachel/Quinn - "Now that being said, my family tree is composed by both my biological family and my adoptive family" Beth explains easily enough as she clicks the mouse. But then the next slide appears and the teacher gapes at all the information, names, colours and arrows in the diagram.

pictures of you, pictures of me (hung upon the wall, for the world to see) (T) - One-shot - Pairings: Rachel/Quinn and Brittany/Santana - "Quinn looked around her room again. She'd never noticed it before, but she had a lot of pictures of Rachel." or: a faberry oneshot set between seasons 1 and 2 where Quinn reflects on a series of moments with Rachel that led to where she is now

anything could happen (T) - One-shot - Pairings: Rachel/Quinn - She stared down at the test in her hand. The line was faint, disappearing depending on the angle. It was possible she was just seeing things, but still. She pulled out her cell phone, tears running down her flushed cheeks. It felt like the earth could open up at any second, just swallow her whole. The line rang. Once, twice, she cursed quietly. She sucked in a breath as she heard a click signifying the call had connected."Hello? Rachel?" Her voice cracked. "Quinn. I need your help." A Faberry-centric rewrite of Rachel's season 4 pregnancy scare

Frannie’s View (T) - One-shot - Pairings: Rachel/Quinn - When Frannie was a child she did everything she could to make her father happy. She was a daddy’s girl through and through. She was quiet and never disrespectful. She went to church every Sunday with her mother and father and prayed every night. Frannie had a lot of friends at school and was popular and well liked. She did very well in school though her participation grades were always low. Daddy told her women were supposed to be quiet and always treat their husbands with respect. She was a princess and he was the King. He ruled the house. Frannie absolutely hated the way her father treated her little sister. Frannie desperately tried to change Lucy. She thought if Lucy could be better then their father would be happier, nicer. OR A journey from Frannie's perspective of Lucy/Quinn and Quinn's sexuality and later feelings for Rachel.

According to Judy (PG) - One-shot - Pairings: Rachel/Quinn - How Judy Fabray deals with Quinn's infatuation with Rachel.

#brittana #faberry #fic rec #brittana fic #faberry fic

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velvet-red-rose-petals · 3 years

Text

Only Yesterday

I just finished watching this movie after hesitating a lot of times whether I should watch it or not but I am glad that I did. These will just be a mix of my thoughts about some aspects of the story and the movie itself. Personally, I haven’t been feeling all too well recently, feeling lost and stuck. Like Taeko, I longed for something different and was unsure about certain things in my life. Overall, I really enjoyed this movie. More than I thought I would. I love Ghibli movies in general especially the fantasy ones but my gosh, this just hits home. It made me question things and left me wanting more. The movie was definitely not ones that have big plot twists or carried anything too significant like how most Ghibli movies are but I really loved how it brings nostalgia and how it relates to me as a woman growing up pressured by expectations of others. Granted, I wasn’t born in that era but it just shows that girls go through the same issues growing up in whatever generation.

I was intrigued at how this movie conveys her stories from her past and how it connects to her thoughts in her present. Definitely she showed herself to be haunted by these memories and she tends to minimise her feelings of her past childhood trauma. All these little events shapes who she is as a person and she was confused about who she was and what she wanted in life. I relate to that so much as I remembered feeling unloved and invalidated about what I wanted in the past especially when it comes to family. She was expected to do things a certain way or else, she would get punished. And when she expressed her frustration, she was being too “dramatic” and was criticised harshly. The parents did seem to show some remorse but the things in the past where her feelings were hurt or confused, she brought those in her present self too. She had to act a certain way or think a certain way, to be nice and to be proper so she can be happy with herself. She wanted to be a star and got discouraged. She had trouble in maths for not understanding division and got ridiculed. Sadly, that is the cultural norm in SEA families. I relate to it so much as I also felt saddened on how people react to my emotions and things that I struggled with as child. I felt the same where all I wanted was help from people. If I didn’t know or wasn’t good at something, I wanted them to help me through it. Of course I never expected them to do it for me but rather guide me so I could understand. They equate me of not understanding things to being plain dumb and that hurt me, as a child and as an adult. I understand how young Taeko feels. No wonder she feels so off balanced in her adulthood. We were conditioned to be something we were not and when we didn’t meet those expectations, we are seen as a disappointment. It really helped me understand my childhood trauma more and it gave me a sense of validation that I wasn’t the only one feeling that way. I felt seen.

I know that romance was not a big aspect of this movie but I really do adore Toshio and how much influence he has on her. I do believe that Toshio has a hard time expressing his feelings and thoughts whenever she confides in him but I love that he validates how she feels about her past and how he doesn’t make it seem that she was over exaggerating for thinking that or not encouraging her to feel as if she is a bad guy for feeling the way she did. Reality is that people aren’t going to like everything you do or who you are as a person and everyone has a dark side but its what you choose to do with those thoughts that matters most. Toshio helps her untangle these complex feelings in his own way. It could seem very inconsiderate or too simple to some people in how he says them but I think that it was conveyed to Taeko perfectly. She didn’t need anyone to debunk whatever she feels but only to understand and help her know that its normal to feel that way. He was never pressuring her unlike how her family was and supported her decisions. I do love the subtlety of their relationship where there were lingering feelings of intimacy and how she realises that it would be nice to think of a future with him. I knew that Toshio definitely liked her since the beginning and was very respectful in terms of not rushing into things. He knew that if she were not interested in him, he could still be friends with her and waited for her to make her move first if she ever did like him back. I enjoyed that. So simple yet so moving. They both are definitely compatible with each other and seem to enjoy each other’s company. I appreciate a realistic love based on feelings of companionship. It was a gradual realisation for Taeko and she really felt at home in the countryside (and with Toshio). The ending to me was more than perfect where you get to see how he actually feels about her, he was surprised but glad to be with her longer. Stumbling into love for each other. It wasn’t a huge ground breaking reunion but it was a gentle feeling like a bud sprouting into something worth growing.

You could see that she was always so uneasy whenever she thinks of her childhood and why she had to bring up her past self sometimes. She feels uncomfortable facing her younger self but at the end, I was touched that she was finally beginning to let her past self motivate her into what she always wanted for her future. She didn’t push away that part of her anymore and uses it to fuel her new found dream. If she wants something, she will go get it. Ah I loved the ending.

Overall, this movie was a blessing for me as it made me slow down and really think about what I wanted. It gave me sweet feelings of nostalgia and helped me to think that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. My past will always be there but I should celebrate my growth also. I am not the person I was 10 years ago and I shouldn’t expect myself to be stuck thinking that way. Like Taeko, change can be hard but what we plant will be worth it in the end, especially the ones that we take good care in. I, too, can change my mundane and comfortable yellow aspect of my life and turn it into something crimson red in taking my chances in things I am scared to do. Who knows, it could lead to something magical. It doesn’t even have to be anything big but if it gives even an ounce of happiness in my life, I should take it.

All in all, I highly recommend this movie.

#only yesterday #my heart is warm #my ships #my thoughts #taeko and toshio

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ourloveisforthelovely · 3 years

Text

Unexpected Part 2

Harry Potter Marauders Era AU

Link to Part 1

Pairings: Regulus Black x Reader

Rating: M-minor smut

_______

Regulus couldn’t get away from Sirius soon enough. The last thing that he really wanted to deal with was Sirius asking questions about his love life. Regulus was already regretting what he admitted to his brother. Saying that he didn’t love you was a bit harsh. While he didn’t exactly know what love was, Regulus was sure that there was something of it inside him for you.

Stepping into the house, he remained in the hallways but focused his attention on you specifically. You sat talking to Lily with Halley in your arms.

I do care for her more than she knows...I suppose that I do love her

The past four months had been crazy for both of you. Crazy was putting things lightly. Before Halley was born Regulus never had any interest in having a child. The day that you had come to him with the test results, Regulus almost fainted. Remembering the day was enough to make him nervous again.

Regulus stood in the hotel room looking at the muggle pregnancy test as you stood waiting for him to say something. He had paced around the room a few times and was close to losing the stronghold that he had on his temper. Regulus needed an answer and you were only looking at him for an answer on how to feel.

“Are you sure? What if it's faulty?”

You looked up at him with a confused expression. Regulus was trying to remain calm and you could see it. He was trying not to upset you and for that, you would be eternally thankful.

“Six of them?”

Regulus ran a hand through his hair. Six of them wouldn’t lie. One could be faulty but you clearly covered your bases...smart clever girl.

“Is there anyone else that the child could belong to?”

Your face immediately went from worried to shocked. That comment you clearly didn’t expect and Regulus regretted asking it immediately. He was the one that had taken your virginity that night and you only made time for him from that night forward.

“I’ve only slept with you! We have been seeing each other a lot lately...if you’re suggesting that I am some loose tramp just forget what I’ve told you and I’ll handle it on my own with no help from you.”

You quickly gathered up your things and turned to leave without another word. Regulus stood motionless a moment longer before taking off after you. He ran through the hotel room and skidded into the foyer.

“Y/n, wait! I’m an idiot.”

Your hand was on the door handle as you turned to face him. What color Regulus had in his face had vanished leaving your lover paler than normal. His young face was etched with worry as you began to speak.

“No, you’re just a prim and proper boy who wasn’t trained to have unprotected sex with some stupid girl who is on the other side of the tracks.”

Regulus had to agree with you on that one. His mother would have a fit if she knew what her youngest son had done. Regulus couldn’t let her know...not yet. Walburga would expect you to “get rid of it” and that wasn’t something that he wanted to happen. Regulus wanted nothing more than to protect you and his child...even if it meant disappointing his family.

He quickly closed the distance between your bodies. Reaching out Regulus pulled you into his arms. What he was doing...he had no idea. Holding you seemed like the best option that he could come up with.

“Let me take care of you...We did this together and to be honest with you, Y/n, I’ve become taken with you.”

His words from that day were still accurate. Regulus was taken with you and he didn’t see that changing. Maybe he wasn’t ready to say love then and in some ways he was afraid to say it now but deep down he knew that he loved you. You would be the one that would prove to him that love exists.

Halley crying pulled Regulus from his thoughts. Any time the child made a noise, Regulus was on his feet. Had he ever expected to love the child so much? No. The moment that Halley was put into his arms the first time, Regulus was in awe of her. For someone only being minutes old, she already had him wrapped around her finger.

The baby’s arrival made Regulus question his own relationship with his own father. Orion had always been closed off and didn’t want to be bothered with his sons until they were older. Regulus wasn’t even aware if his father knew who he was until he was at least six. When he was older and not as interested in causing havoc (as Sirius) Regulus finally became closer to his father.

The last thing Regulus planned on doing was letting Halley feel this way. That was the thing that he liked about being in Paris alone (without other family involved). It was just the two of you looking after Halley alone. The two of you only relied on each other to make sure that the baby was happy and healthy. Now...Regulus was afraid that would change. When your parents and his parents decided it was time to sink their claws in, things would become difficult between Regulus and yourself. Would he side with what his parents wanted (which would involve Halley being raised in a life of privilege and pureblood shenanigans) or what your parents would want (still a privileged childhood but no pureblood bullshit that would piss his parents off)? Regulus already made a personal promise to himself that he would put his foot down and tell his parents no...should it need to be done.

You, meanwhile, had stood up trying to lull the child back to sleep. Meeting Regulus’ eyes, you gave him a small smile. Regulus couldn’t help but smile back. You were stunningly beautiful and you were his.

I really am an ass.

Regulus thought as you came to join him.

“Is everything alright?”

You asked, softly. Regulus nodded. He gently kissed your forehead, earning a scowl from Lily in the other room.

“Everything’s fine, darling. How about here? Are they plotting my murder?”

You rolled your eyes before giving him a sly smile.

“Nothing of the sort. Would you like to come upstairs with me to get the baby to sleep? It will be a bit before my parents arrive.”

Regulus nodded. He was more than happy to snag a few moments of silence with you. After the disastrous meeting with James, Regulus needed some time to prepare for meeting with your parents. He already expected your father to not be pleased with him. What kind of father would be pleased to find out that their daughter hastily married a man that she had a child with secretively? If there was some kind of father that would be okay with this then they must have something wrong with them.

“Y/n, you can put Halley in Harry’s crib if you would like. He’s not due for a nap for a while.” You gently placed Halley down in the crib. Making sure that the baby was sleeping, you turned and went back into the bedroom that Lily directed you toward. Regulus lay back on the bed with his hands behind his head.

“It didn’t take her long to go to sleep.”

You commented before easing your shoes off. Regulus gave you a smile.

“Normally at this time of day, it isn’t too bad. I was thinking...maybe we could go look at some houses or flats tomorrow? I would feel a lot better if we had our own place and didn’t have your brother looking down his nose at us nonstop.”

You moved to lay down beside Regulus on the bed. Snuggling your face into his chest, you gently petted his cheek until Regulus rolled himself to look down at you. His steely gaze kept your eyes locked on his.

“Is that what you want?”

You asked. Regulus nodded.

“We need our own place for our family. I know that you’ve missed your brother but we can’t stay with them forever. I have a feeling that I will be in a fight with James if we stay too long. I wouldn’t want to rearrange your brother’s face too much.”

Regulus was relieved when you didn’t become annoyed. You were well aware of the animosity between Regulus and James. Their relationship had been rocky since childhood at school and you didn’t see that changing much into adulthood. You had a feeling that Regulus would be more receptive of a cordial relationship with James but your elder brother wanted nothing of it. James was still furious with the Black family for how they did Sirius (and you understood that). Regulus, in James' mind, was a pampered little prince that knew nothing of the world. Regulus was the little brat that became Slytherin’s seeker and helped the Slytherin team crush Gryffindor into the ground. There were many other petty things that led to James’ disapproval of Regulus. Now James had your marriage and Halley’s birth to add to his list of reasons why he didn’t like Regulus Black. What James didn’t see was that Regulus lost his own brother that night and suffered greatly when Sirius left. He didn’t see that Regulus was only going through the motions after Sirius left.

You pulled yourself from your thoughts before looking up to Regulus.

“You’re right. We’ve gotten used to our privacy. I’m not looking forward to keeping quiet or worrying about silencing charms anytime that we want to touch each other.”

Regulus’ eyes fluttered open at that. He gave you a small smile.

“We have to watch ourselves to not wake up the baby. I am not about to take extra care to not give your brother nightmares….or….”

You immediately put a finger to his lips.

“Don’t be mean. Trust me, James is probably already brooding over the fact that we have sex..making him hear it would be just cruel.”

“I never claimed to be nice”

Regulus commented before leaning down to kiss you. You eagerly kissed him back. Slipping your hand down his chest to the buckle of his belt. Regulus’ hand quickly covered yours.

“Do we have enough time?”

You nodded.

“We’ve gotten used to quickies, unfortunately. Lucky for us, Halley sleeps like her father and won’t wake up for small noises.”

Regulus rolled his eyes.

“Very funny, smart mouth. You know, I think that I am in love with you.”

The two of you shared a smile before Regulus stood up to remove his trousers while you pulled your skirt up enough to spread your legs. You watched your husband with a pleased smile as he slid his trousers down his slender hips.

“Funny, I think that I’m in love with you too.”

You replied as Regulus took his place over you. Regulus gave you a needy kiss. He was as desperate as you were for some “closeness.” You groaned against Regulus’ mouth and he gently pushed inside of you. As much as you wanted to lay about and make slow passionate love to your husband, there wasn’t the time. The last thing that you wanted to do was face your parents looking thoroughly fucked. Things were about to be awkward enough without turning up with messy hair and swollen lips.

“Maybe we can con Lily and James into keeping Halley for a few days so we can have some private time alone. We haven’t had any of that from the day the child was born.”

You suggested as Regulus set up a steady pace. His eyes snapped open and rolled up to you.

“Don’t talk about your brother when I’m making love to you.”

Regulus hissed. You reached up and pulled Regulus down to you.

“Then kiss me and don’t be so loud.”

It seemed like the two of you had just gotten your clothes back on when there was a knock on the door.

“Yes?”

You called out. Lily’s voice came from the other side.

“Sweetheart, your parents are here.”

Regulus muttered “fuck” under his breath as the color drained from your face. It was time to face one part of the firing squad.

“Okay...be right down.”

It took you a few more moments to start downstairs. Regulus had gone into Harry’s room to get Halley. You waited outside of the room until Regulus stepped back out with Halley in his arms. The baby looked confused as she held onto her father’s shirt.

“It's going to be alright.”

Regulus said, hoping to sound confident. You only nodded before turning to walk down the stairs.

Taking a deep breath, you walked into the living room where your mother and father sat. Both were gleefully talking to a very quiet James. Your mother was the first to turn. She immediately stood with a smile.

“Y/n, darling!”

Euphemia moved to hug you but stopped the moment that she saw Regulus and the baby. Her mouth dropped as your father noticed the same thing.

“Y/n…”

Your mother started as James came in.

“It's exactly what it looks like.”

You narrowed your eyes on your brother as the annoyance began to build up.

“Shut up, James. They don’t know everything nor do you.”

Your father frowned. Neither James nor yourself ever argued with one another so this sudden venomous attitude was a shock.

“Y/n, what is going on, dear?”

Fleamont questioned as he turned his attention back to you. You took a breath.

“Before the both of you get angry, let me explain. Regulus and I got married and this is our baby. We didn’t tell anyone because we were afraid that someone would get hurt. If a letter with the information fell into the wrong hands...it could have been disastrous.”

Euphemia was clearly surprised as she put a hand over her mouth. She had a granddaughter that she didn’t know about. Shocked was the best feeling that she could come up with. James stood up.

“You know he is right?”

Euphemia immediately gave her son a displeased scowl. Of course, she knew who Regulus was. When Sirius turned up half dead at her doorstep, she wanted nothing more than to take Regulus away from his parents too but the boy wouldn’t hear of it. He had too much loyalty to his family.

“Yes, we know who he is James. I’m not angry with you, Y/n. I understand given the present situation with the times but I would have liked to have been there...for everything.”

Euphemia wanted to say more about her internal displeasure but it would make no difference. She could have told you that she missed every mother’s dream of watching her daughter walk down the aisle. Euphemia wanted nothing more than to have been able to be there with you while you were pregnant...that was taken away from her. In time the wounds would heal.

James’ mouth dropped.

“You’re both okay with this?”

Fleamont turned to his son. Your father’s displeasure was clearly written on his face but he didn’t speak of it.

“There is no point in beating a dead horse, James. What’s done is done.”

He finally commented as Euphemia stepped closer to Regulus with a warm smile. Regulus still looked like the shy boy that she remembered so well.

“Let me see this baby.”

She said cheerfully as Regulus slowly put Halley in her grandmother’s arms. Euphemia smiled immediately before gently stroking the baby’s cheek.

“She’s lovely.”

Euphemia commented before smiling up at Regulus.

“She looks a lot like you and your brother, dear. How old is she?”

“Four months, ma’am.”

Euphemia nodded with a smile before meeting her husband’s eyes. Fleamont had finally stood up and came to look at his granddaughter.

“She’s a perfect little girl. Harry will have a little playmate now.”

James looked up at that. You were pleased to see that realization had finally washed over your brother’s face. He hadn’t even gotten a good look at his niece due to him acting like an overgrown child. James looked at you apologetically. He made a mental note to talk to you later when Regulus wasn’t hovering over you. It would be easier to talk to you without the little pampered prince around. You would be his sister again...not Regulus’ wife.

James smiled down at his niece who was snuggling her grandmother.

“I only hope that Harry and Halley are as close as Y/n and I were.”

James said with a pleased smile. It was a genuine comment too. He wanted nothing more than for his son to be as close to his cousin as the two of you were as siblings. James could only hope that he could repair whatever damage he had caused that day.

For the next few hours, everything went smoothly. To your delight, your parents seemed as pleased with Regulus as you were. Your mother gave you a pleased as punch smile that let you know everything was alright with your family.

One set of parents down...one more to go...

When they left, you went to get Halley ready for bed. Regulus had remained in the living room attempting to talk to a very non-receptive James. You knew that it would be a very long road between the two.

As you walked up the stairs, you heard Sirius and Remus talking. The moment that your name came up, you froze outside the door. Sirius’ voice was the first one that you heard…

“Regulus doesn’t even love her. He said he hopes to fall in love with her someday but at this time he doesn’t love her. I think that it's a bit mean of him. Empty words hurt and you know how lovely Y/n is.”

You felt both your mouth and heart drop as Remus spoke.

“He actually admitted that to you?”

Sirius quickly spoke again with a sigh.

“That’s exactly what he said to me. He married her because it was the right thing to do. He didn’t want people talking about her. What I think is he didn’t want people talking about him. My brother is such a selfish little git. Makes me want to go punch him...he has a good wife. Y/n loves him so much and he just…”

“Sirius, maybe Regulus doesn’t know his own feelings. You know how you were over admitting to not knowing what love was at first��”

“Don’t care...Y/n is the mother of his child and he says I love you...he needs to mean it.”

You couldn’t listen anymore. Wanting to cry, you were tempted to go downstairs and yell at Regulus. This conversation would need to happen in private. Words couldn’t describe how heartbroken you were. Regulus had always made you feel loved and when he said “I love you” it felt so genuine. Now that you knew it was all a lie, you couldn’t formulate how to describe your feelings. Knowing Regulus only married you to keep himself “in a good light” was the worst feeling in the world.

It was another thirty minutes before Regulus came into the bedroom. He froze seeing you sitting at the end of the bed with tears in your eyes. Regulus immediately frowned. You didn’t cry.

“What’s wrong, love?”

You shook your head.

“Don’t call me that.”

Regulus blinked a few times before raising an eyebrow.

“I always call you that. What have I done?”

“Don’t tell me that you love me ever again! Never try to fool me with empty words. I know what you told Sirius outside. You married me out of some sense of duty so you wouldn’t be made out as the bad guy. It wasn’t out of us being in love. I was a fool then and I suppose that I still am. I would have been better off with people talking behind my back…”

Regulus’ cool composure didn’t drop. Inside, however, was a different story. He was about to panic over the knowledge that you had heard what he told his brother. The bigger question was how did you hear it? Did Sirius tell you? If he did, Regulus was going to strangle him!

“I do love you.”

He argued as you stood up. You took off your wedding ring and put it on the bedside table. Regulus could do with it what he wanted. As far as you were concerned, you had no idea what would happen between Regulus and yourself now. That sacred trust, that you thought was there, clearly wasn’t.

“Just stop! We have to stop! This has to stop!”

Regulus was beginning to lose his temper now...especially with himself. If he had just kept his mouth shut earlier then none of this would be happening. He would have a happy wife that loved him not one who was sobbing and hated his existence.

“If you are wanting me to leave you it isn’t happening.”

You rolled your eyes before starting for the bedroom door. Regulus moved to stop you but you shoved him out of the way.

“Well, I might just wash my hands of the whole stupid thing. I regret ever meeting you, Regulus Black.”

Regulus didn’t move to go after you. He was in too much shock to move. You had never said something so cruel to him. Not that he blamed you, had the rolls been reversed Regulus would have been as upset.

I really am an ass.

Regulus thought before lying down on the bed silently praying that he wouldn’t wake up.

A few hours had passed when the sound of Halley crying woke Regulus up. He sat up quickly and flipped on the bedside lamp. Yawning, Regulus glanced down at the clock that read 2:45. Halley had the fun habit of waking up around 3:00 every morning. Why would this night be different?

The soul-sucking depression hit Regulus like a brick to the stomach. The realization that you weren’t beside him made Regulus want to cry in frustration. He hadn’t cried in years but the night's events were enough to make him want to. Had this happened in France, he would have found a bottle of brandy and drunk himself to sleep.

Getting out of bed, Regulus slowly stepped into Harry’s room to only find the sleeping boy in the crib. The sound of you talking gently to Halley quickly grabbed his attention and Regulus turned in the other direction.

You sat in the living room gently rocking Halley who was eagerly playing with your necklace.

“I’m just fine on my own.”

You commented, not looking up to meet your husband’s exhausted face. If you had, you would have seen the depressed expression on Regulus’ face. You weren't sure if you would care or not though. At the moment, you wanted him to realize just how miserable and heartbroken that you were. You had considered telling Regulus that he could just go and be a typical 19-year-old and chase skirts if that was what he wanted. You weren’t going to stop him or keep him in some “loveless” marriage that he thought was the best idea in the first place.

“We always do this together.”

Regulus sadly commented. You kept your attention focused on your daughter’s face.

“Maybe it's time for a change. Go be a typical husband and go back to bed.”

______

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